,text
227699,"Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say """"I'm Irish"""". No.
"
214121,"I swallow at least one note per meal that says """"we're all really proud of you,"""" in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
"
118188,"How much does wood cost? About tree fiddy.
"
92913,"How many indie kids does it take to change a lightbulb? none because There is A Light That Never Goes Out.
"
27983,"My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
"
147218,"Ph.D students should not eat apples... Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
"
173841,"Q: What kind of snake is it good to have on a car? A: Windshield vipers.
"
127188,"What does Lenin say when he his angry? I will hit you so hard that it will leave a Marx.
"
11615,"Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
"
31143,"""""are you a programmer?"""" not really. me is more of an amateur grammar
"
206840,"What's bad about being a Black Jew? They have to sit in the back of the oven.
"
67308,"Why do u wanna work at Burger King? *imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king* """"I haven't taken my meds in weeks""""
"
39058,"What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Tellings your parents you're gay.
"
125829,"Why are pirates so mean? I don't know they jusr Arrrrrrrr!
"
180955,"Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq? Because they're all Targets.
"
60798,"My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd.....it's now Friday June 27th.... still no email
"
13979,"2 out of 3 Americans live beside a paedophile Not me though. I live beside two hot 12 year olds
"
11784,"How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? She can wear your wife's clothes.
"
67414,"Which 20th Century Business tycoon was a top? The one who could really Rock-a-feller
"
52001,"Dear XBOX Kinect If I wanted to use my whole body to play sports, I'd play sports.
"
113220,"Just watched Starwars The Force Awakend It felt kind of forced
"
147854,"I'm the perfect man if you don't factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
"
70420,"How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you """"Let's just be friends.""""
"
149443,"Whats Kim Kardashian and the Middle East got in common? Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.
"
215499,"One person gets an idiom wrong and it spreads like wildflower
"
184429,"What happened to the frog's car? It was toad.
"
98964,"Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.
"
73147,"Your baby's cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
"
112012,"If Donald Trump thinks America doesn't win anymore, he can tell that to Marvin Walters who won $100,000 playing Fun 5's in the Ohio Lottery!
"
173236,"Catch 22: Husband said if I quit Twitter he would pay for a boob job. But if I had huge jugs I would get tons of new followers. Sigh.
"
42091,"What food makes women stop having sex? A wedding cake
"
229639,"I started playing a new drinking game recently, Every time I am depressed I take a drink. That game is called alcoholism.
"
44709,"Doctor Doctor I think I'm a rubber band Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
"
203268,"Why Aren't SJW's Allowed In The Military? They are too trigger-happy.
"
53056,"Why didn't the other viruses hang out with The Common Cold? Because he is a bad influenza
"
227035,"Give a man a fish and he'll feed himself for a day. Make the man a fish and you'll feed scientific curiosity for a lifetime.
"
111928,"Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few minutes Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
"
186975,"What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back 4 seconds.
"
64775,"I just microwaved my TV dinner & it came out fully cooked on the first try, so I'm basically a chef at Applebee's now if anyone's hungry.
"
14458,"The Queen Elizabeth doesn't have one. The Pope has one, yet he does not use it. Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big, and Brad Pitt's is small. What am I talking about? A last name, you pervs.
"
175536,"What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.
"
149444,"Ladies, place your heart in the hands of God & he will place it in the hands of a man who he believes deserves it.
"
112443,"My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.
"
176559,"friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven? me: who all going?
"
37526,"A man is stranded on a dessert island and it was delicious.
"
230416,"Why doesn't money bring happiness? Because if you have a billion dollars, almost anyone will be a bitch.
"
211049,"Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
"
136134,"[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] """"I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I'M DIVORCING YOU""""
"
2698,"what did lowes say when home depot kickcked him in the crotch ouch menards (my nards). lolz
"
104760,"Sexxist much? Q: how do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow? A: give her a shovel.
"
71644,"Knock knock... Knock knock. Who's there? r/news. r/news who? [deleted]
"
213210,"A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder... Trump said """"It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me.""""
"
155920,"What does an epileptic vegetarian eat? Seizure Salad
"
212494,"Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
"
191443,"The difference between me & normal people is the normal
"
22006,"don't even talk to me if you can't name all three powerpuff girls.
"
216483,"Did you hear about the two horses? They were in a stable relationship... ...but one of them had an extra mareital affair.
"
74147,"Did you hear about Disney's new Star Wars/ Highlander crossover? The tag line is """"There can be Obi-Wan.""""
"
56272,"To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell """"YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?"""" into my phone, then slam down the receiver.
"
226199,"There are 10 types of people in the world Those who understand binary and those who don't
"
63004,"Did you hear they had to shutdown Japan's first virtual reality porn exhibition? Too many people came.
"
949,"Dallas Black people: please be Muslim please be Muslim please be Muslim Muslim people: please be black please be black please be black
"
193034,"Why would Pinocchio make a bad criminal? He wasn't cut out for this.
"
145320,"4-year-old: We're playing Star Wars. I'm a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper. Me: What am I? 4-year-old: In the way.
"
224407,"How do Etheopians celebrate their first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave
"
113628,"Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
"
209760,"Living well isn't the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.
"
115658,"What is another way to describe a cat ? A heat seeking missile !
"
185934,"But it's not my choice I'm single by choice
"
7163,"Mummy! Mummy! Have you seen my Cabbage Patch  Doll? Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!
"
88290,"What is the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb
"
196844,"Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.
"
67977,"Sometimes you have to accept that the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you.
"
16313,"Hey Guys! They brought back Angry Beavers! Isn't it great? Its been renamed to The View, however...
"
89108,"Hi I'm an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
"
112001,"""""Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,"""" I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
"
59751,"The bartender says:""""We don't serve your kind in here."""" A tachyon walks into a bar.
"
9447,"I bought a book on how to build stairs Its a step by step guide
"
103308,"Why did the chickens cross the road? To get to their jobs at the Sony headquarters.
"
72906,"Trojan's next commercial should just be a guy saying """"See?"""" while pointing at my kids when they're fighting over a cookie.
"
168446,"I hope all goes well with Princess Kate's baby delivery.., ...but I think it might turn out to be a royal pain in the ass.
"
108188,"Sometimes I like to pretend an ! is just a ? squeezing through a tight space.
"
128866,"We have much to learn about the fabric of space-time. But we know you can't make a decent sweater out of it. Too scratchy.
"
214335,"What do you call and eight sided dildo? A cocktopus.
"
136146,"My girlfriend from high school called today. She's stoked about getting her driver's license.
"
121244,"Some people here are a mite sensitive. Fell asleep during a pleasant DM chat and now I'm blocked. Didn't know I snored that loudly.
"
164987,"Any woman who chooses to have sex with me, gets the short end of *that* transaction.
"
133603,"What's the difference between a woman and a plate? You can't lick a woman dry. Rimshot*
"
109848,"I have a tendency to run around naked... So every morning I spray myself with Windex, to prevent me from streaking.
"
129900,"What's the difference between a fridge and a woman? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out
"
71684,"What's something 9 out of 10 people enjoy? [NSFW] [xpost /r/askmen] gang rape
"
5626,"A man goes to a $3 hooker He contracted crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, """"What do you expect for $3, a lobster?""""
"
143364,"A step-by-step guide: How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
"
177010,"At the teraphist: """"Sometimes i just can't focus at work!"""" Patient: """"that's fine, but we are here to talk about my problems.""""
"
45777,"What comes before the main violinist? ... Entree Rieu
"
133428,"Reporter: Tell me about him Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny R: Do you think he killed those people? N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
"
127546,"Compliment somebody on their moustache and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.
"
151952,"Did you know Elvis once worked at a dry cleaners? He specialized in treating denim. In particular, Elvis pressed Lees.
"
140467,"What do you call a gay Russian? erosexual
"
188488,"How many baby's does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them
"
37874,"My wife's cooking is incredible! With a silent 'cr'
"
57073,"Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
"
74758,"Girls who say, """"a lot of guys are after me"""", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.
"
43808,"""""Z"""" I'm so hungry i could eat a pony """" - Guy who knows a full horse would be too much
"
92402,"What did Steve Harvey say after announcing Miss Universe 2015 It was just a prank bro
"
137349,"At trial, a Volkswagen engineer is called to the stand to explain why they participated in the 'clean diesel' debacle. He claims he is not guilty. He said he was just following...odors.
"
22624,"..because I always go through the punch-line first I'm usually buzzed by the end of the cake-line..
"
74509,"What did one pizza tell the other pizza? A cheesy pun.
"
5603,"i know i'm getting old because i'm grumpy, i sleep early, and the devil appears with an empty hourglass whenever i shut my medicine cabinet
"
13104,"When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
"
206649,"Jesus was definitely a black man. He never once saw his father
"
24983,"I used to get sad when the leaves fell from the trees... But then they always grew back, so that was a releaf.
"
188382,"why don't blind people skydive? Its scares the heck out of the dog.
"
195041,"What do my girlfriend and Jesus have in common? Not sure if either of them came once, but I know they haven't come a second time.
"
44569,"After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c**t.
"
24035,"I hired a private investigator but he spent two days staring at my hedges Turned out he was a privet investigator.
"
25769,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was black...
"
12213,"I went to a feminist picnic the other day... It was great, apart from the fact that no one made any sandwiches.
"
203806,"How many """"friend-zoned"""" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
"
45404,"What do you get when a vampire bites a goblin? A Hemogoblin
"
195294,"Dude can you make the stitches spell out ___? http://www.cbc.ca/manitoba/scene/images/Dude%20back%20cover%20%20620.jpg One Joke One Vision.
"
51070,"Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working! *eye twitches
"
152629,"Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store? That's how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.
"
45739,"Why can't a nihilist use a pencil?.... because they cant find the point.
"
181488,"DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
"
170587,"How many mens' rights activists does out take to change a lightbulb? Well, not all of them.
"
226416,"Marc Anthony jeans at Kohl's come in three cuts - tuberculosis, heroin addict and skeletor.
"
138505,"So a man walks into a bar His drinking problem is destroying his family
"
160919,"Battlefield calls 911 Battlefield: Hi I'd like to turn myself in for a murder 911: Who's the victim? Battlefield: Call of Duty
"
40887,"I'm a big fan of wood. Mahogany. Cherry. Walnut. Morning.
"
178937,"What kind of ship never sinks? A dictatorship. *sobs*
"
139100,"[in the ambulance] Paramedic: what's your blood type? Me: whatever. I'm not fussy
"
135048,"I am both dyslexic and diabetic... So needless to say I fell in love with the idea of """"All You Can Eat Carb Legs"""".
"
42201,"What's bad about being a black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
"
78166,"How soft is Bill Gate's pillow? Microsoft.
"
88549,"How many passive-aggressive people does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh never mind, I'll just sit here in the dark...
"
218663,"If you have Bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the Bee holder.
"
80266,"Why do they call old people 'frogs' in Florida? 'Cause they all go there to croak!
"
174293,"How many communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, we just sit in the dark complaining about capitalism. But come the light-bulb revolution everything will be brighter.
"
37382,"Why did Bill Clinton say NO to testosterone meds? He was afraid of ending up like Hillary.
"
64247,"What is Italian-American foreplay? """"Hey! Wake up and roll over!""""
"
164784,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Doesn't matter how many of them come, they can't change a thing.
"
123972,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - East German Swim Team Barbie ...a Barbie head on a Ken doll
"
216166,"I masturbate about myself masturbating about myself masturbating... Inceptcestuous.
"
24427,"How do you know if somebody graduated from Harvard? They'll tell you.
"
192439,"Hello from the other side Bye.
"
206720,"2 potatoes standing on the side of the road. How can you tell which one is the hooker? The one wearing the sack that reads IDAHO
"
32189,"What does Trump say when he can't find his Viagra? """"This erection is rigged""""
"
187529,"One day I'm going to cure blindness. You'll see! You'll all see!
"
151413,"Why was the little shoe unhappy? Because his father was a loafer and his mother was a sneaker.
"
105275,"So, a skeleton walks into a bar... ...asks for a beer. And a mop.
"
109112,"ME: *smashes bottle into a ship* MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it? ME: I'm not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
"
56649,"If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
"
72384,"Soon be Christmas... WHO SAYS doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush? Last year, I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.
"
65020,"Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
"
74407,"What is the fiercest flower in the garden ? The tiger lily !
"
68575,"A doctor in a mental hospital was caught having sex with a female patient. He was Fucking Crazy!
"
147268,"Waana hear a joke? Women's Rights.
"
149487,"They told me to stay positive.. I told them I have HIV.
"
70583,"What happens when two oxen bump into each other? You have an oxident.
"
179457,"Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.
"
32200,"Why did Taco Bell hire Eminem? Because he's a Wrap God
"
187621,"What do you call a friendly helicopter? A hello-copter
"
65924,"Why did the crayon want to be a phone? Because it wanted to be a texta.
"
174569,"What do you call a group of gay cavemen? Homo erectus.
"
50064,"Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours wondering where he'd seen himself before?
"
159752,"Why is post college life so easy for Lannisters? Because a Lannister always pays his debts.
"
5980,"my phone keeps capitalizing my lols like i'm some kind of suburban mom with highlights and bedazzled jeans.
"
121577,"Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he's at work
"
197948,"Daylight savings On Sunday we jumped back an hour, today we jumped back 50 years.
"
222127,"What did people call the Nutty Professor before he became a professor? Mr. Peanut
"
143730,"Why was the robber bionic? He was holding up a bank.
"
211018,"What do you call a bouncer at a gay club? A flamethrower
"
126863,"HILLARY: i'm sick and tired of these baseless accusations THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she's also tired!
"
31303,"What did the mexican boy say to his mom after he mopped the floors and found his brother? I've cleaned up and found Jesus.
"
76207,"Why don't orphans play baseball. Because they don't know where home is.
"
89435,"Why is a bulimic's favorite restaurant KFC? Cause it comes with a bucket.
"
151379,"Do you know how to really disappoint a fellow redditor? [Repost] [Deleted] *repost*
"
138337,"What do you call a naked old man crawling out of a coal mine? 50 shades of grey's anatomy
"
105572,"   ...Oh the weather outside's delightful, the balance in my account is frightful, what happened to all my dough, I dunno, I dunno, I dunnnnoooooo...   
"
206740,"Why is the Joker's makeup like a whitewashed tomb, his lips like torn paper, his eyes like burning suns? Because when he was young, the Joker's father said """"Let's put a simile on that face!""""
"
207229,"What's the difference between my wife and the dress? The dress is white and gold
"
161841,"*Belle falls in love with Beast* Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it! *Belle speaks to furniture* Everyone: this is fine
"
164287,"There's a dog on my street who practices Islam. I don't have a problem with his religion, I just wish he wouldn't wake me up every morning at 5am shouting """"ALLAHU AK-BARK.""""
"
208713,"if america goes the way of greece, we'll be ending all our words with """"ous."""" that's ridiculous! omg, it's already started
"
98939,"My dream car is shaq wearing heelys holding me up by my hips like simba
"
145572,"I shouldn't have plugged my iPhone into the PC at the Kitchen It's now in the sync.
"
35238,"I don't get why my dad talks on a phone. He's so loud all he has to do is open the window and they can hear him.
"
128448,"I've spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted.
"
98082,"How are men like noodles? They are always in hot water they lack taste and they need dough.
"
2063,"Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life Because that major probably has no jobs (not an original)
"
41430,"What do women's breasts and toy trains have in common? A: They're both intended for children... But, it's usually the father that play with them the most!
"
164734,"If you love someone, let them go. If they don't come back, get a dog.
"
118527,"Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
"
49227,"Why is it good to post jokes about feminists? It promotes equality.
"
177349,"I once told my dad: """"I feel there are a good and a bad wolf in me fighting for control. But which one will win in the end?"""" He said: """"The one you feed.""""
"
201268,"Hey baby, you want to come back to my place? I do one hell of a Bill Cosby impression I'd love to show you
"
199020,"I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift. But I couldn't find a manual.
"
22254,"How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.
"
79787,"What does a ghost cow say? *wave arms around* MoooooOOOOOOoooooooo
"
34973,"Thank God for semi colon's. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn't exist?
"
8268,"Q: What does an Irishman have for dinner? A: Starvation. Q: And what does he have for dessert? A: Ethnic cleansing.
"
44698,"The apocalypse is apparently signaled by trumpets... ...might have been a typo though, it could have been Trump/Pence
"
39606,"""""daddy why did the moon turn red?"""" """"because god is flooding it with the blood of all the children who ask too many questions sweetie""""
"
226701,"What is better than a rose on a piano? Tulips on the organ. (I'll show myself out...)
"
173350,"What's the worse part about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in the wheelchair
"
114995,"Why did robin williams cross the road? I Fucked his uncle too hard!!!!!!!!
"
32939,"TIL Doctors have successfully grafted eye lids on a patient using foreskin. The surgery went well, but now she's a little cock eyed.
"
13797,"What did the fuse say when it blew out? Sorry, I couldn't resist.
"
81503,"When I was a kid we were so poor... If I didn't wake up at christmas with a hard-on I'd have nothing to play with.
"
182435,"Paris Hilton should make a sex tape with 2 black guys and call it NIGGAS IN PARIS!
"
137953,"What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
"
45444,"How do you break a Polacks finger? Punch him in the nose.
"
90918,"How to shave a cat's butt I won't tell you, you dirty person !
"
183974,"During lunch I asked my food server which salad she preferred. She said, """"Either one! They're both amazeballs!"""" I got a hamburger.
"
1331,"*LIGHTHOUSE* BATMAN - You call? L/HOUSE KEEPER - Shit, not again man. I am so sorry. BATMAN - Dead seagull on the light? LK -*Nods*
"
103168,"What is the tallest building in the entire world Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world? A: The library, because it has so many stories.
"
102524,"Did you know you can break your nose if you squint hard enough? I did it on the bus today and some Asian guy punched me in the face!
"
19480,"What do zombie vegans eat? ... Grains!!!
"
138728,"Best joke I've heard in a while feminism
"
13105,"Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
"
28929,"What does Arizona name Colorado? Border Collie
"
41243,"if women think they arent meant to cook why do they have milk and eggs inside them?
"
227066,"Two kids talking. One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'? The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.
"
53475,"My ex told me that I was gonna die alone... I told her she was wrong because I would die while making out with a shotgun.
"
57782,"If someone was shot in a chapel... ...would that count as a mass shooting?
"
106015,"Chris Christie's name... Is so dumb to me. It's just the male and female version of the same name. Like Eric Erica Daniel Danielle or Bruce Caitlyn
"
65142,"What do we want?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANES! When do we want them?! NEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!
"
151495,"Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?
"
68836,"Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
"
18524,"There are two types of people I can't stand. Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what the hell they're whispering about.
"
35318,"If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
"
80344,"A city boy was on his first camping trip. He was eating his lunch under a tree when an old-timer came along. 'It smells like rain' he said to the boy. The city boy replied 'They said it was lemonade.'
"
8300,"If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me :(
"
72326,"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
"
217496,"My German wife has just had a Brazilian. It was a Klose shave.
"
194319,"I was going to do the dishes but they weren't in the mood.
"
189305,"Why are hot pickle buns so popular in polish women's prisons? They're made out of dill dough.
"
111748,"How do I like my eggs? Unfertilized, thanks.
"
46765,"When someone says """"I love you infinity plus one"""" I immediately love them less because of their failure to grasp basic mathematical concepts.
"
155255,"Jeb says hes good at fixing things and I don't doubt him... People who voted in Florida during the 2000 presidential election know what I'm *talkin* about.
"
92250,"MARRIAGE PROTIP - Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
"
156542,"How do you fit an elephant in the subway? You take the letter """"S"""" out of """"sub"""", and the letter """"F"""" out of """"way"""".
"
133792,"How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb Trick question, feminists can't change anything
"
195575,"Two fish are in a tank. One fish asks the other fish """"How do we drive this thing?""""
"
105471,"My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.
"
37213,"Next time someone asks me a question I'm going to pull a Google & tell them my response time: """"I'd like the salad. (2.5 seconds!)""""
"
139070,"Literally no one wants to be on the phone with you less than the lady who answers the phone at a Chinese restaurant.
"
118474,"I hate menstruation jokes They're a bloody pain.
"
168929,"Which state has the most progressive bathroom laws? Transylvania.
"
39821,"So a leper goes to a prostitute... She begins to perform fellatio on him. After he finishes, he says to the girl """"Go ahead and keep the tip"""".
"
113673,"What did the first airplane engine say to the second airplane engine? """"Are we there soon?"""" """"Not jet.""""
"
210446,"(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see? Patient: A house and Me: Wrong it's Batman. Ok this one? Patient: I se Me: Nope. Batman again.
"
95107,"What is the fakest part of Skyrim? The fact that red guards can swim.
"
19429,"How many mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one.
"
36438,"Hey honey, I bought some steaks. I need you to stand on this box next to me while I eat them. Because it says right here, """"Best if consumed by date on package.""""
"
197493,"In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now.
"
202085,"What questioned started the Holocaust? What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
"
48099,"Introverts don't get ready for a party. They gather strength for a party.
"
110281,"Finding that one slob at the gym who's in worse shape than you is the best feeling. The worst is realizing """"he"""" is a mirror.
"
19965,"I just bought my wife some new eyes, a new nose and a new mouth... I can't wait to see her face when she opens them.
"
24483,"Kinda bored. Might shake things up by believing in Santa again.
"
204569,"I feel sorry for the people who are supporting Hillary. Living without a brain must be difficult.
"
95306,"Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.
"
165182,"What's the one thing missing from the offensive jokes on r/jokes? Karma, Whores.
"
137507,"Sorry I yelled, """"HAIL SATAN"""" at your baby's baptism.
"
14677,"[2 T-Rex's getting drunk] """"I'm wasted."""" """"Me too. You know how bad?"""" """"Don't say it again."""" """"I can't feel my face."""" """"Goddammit, Kevin.""""
"
225819,"If you use the word """"ridonkulous"""" or """"ginormous,"""" chances are you're a retardiot.
"
194923,"Why are 90 degree angles so cocky? Because they are always right
"
2122,"I was having sex with a woman last night and she kept screaming this other guys name. Who the hell is this """"Rape"""" fellow, anyway?
"
174130,"Invitations: $10 Cupcakes: $15 Facility rental: $100 Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless Math of a mother
"
47885,"After the Swiss Idol, a Bern resident was found dead in his home.
"
88704,"Earlier today I had a Titanic thought. It was *unthinkable*.
"
183939,"A man sent ten puns to his friends, hoping at least one would make them laugh No pun in ten did.
"
66462,"[courtroom] Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID Shark: I'm telling you idk *whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
"
158833,"So a seal walks into a bar.., Get it? No? Me neither.
"
52217,"Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.
"
114228,"What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? The picture only needs one nail to hold up.
"
97142,"Grandma is doing her best to stay cool. She signed up for some hip surgery.
"
224921,"Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.
"
78919,"Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Off duty cop: No *cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro* You're driving great, pal
"
23179,"I'm uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. Guys.
"
69435,"Where did the hipster drown? In the mainstream
"
71618,"A man sued an airline company after they lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
"
198598,"The guy who invented throat lozenges just died... I heard there will be no coffin at his funeral.
"
168745,"Did you hear about the bastard frog? It was a tad unexpected.
"
228861,"I think there's nothing cooler than being a lone wolf ...except at wolf picnics, when you don't have a partner for the wolf wheelbarrow races.
"
41874,"How do you circumsise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.
"
85270,"Stalin and Hitler Stalin: Hey Hitler, Wanna Hear a Joke? Hitler: Sure Broh Stalin: Stalingrad Hitler: I Don't Get It Stalin: Exactly
"
210044,"What's the other word for a pedophile with a large hat? The Pope. (sorry if repost, my friend just told it to me)
"
76001,"Bought some sneakers from my drug dealer... Not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!
"
32838,"f you think Amazon always delivers what you ordered... Then you've got another thing coming.
"
6394,"If you ever see on a road where a section of the dotted line is missing - There is no law there.
"
134209,"Think of a thing. Theres an e cig flavor for that.
"
190560,"I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight... The people who live above me are furious.
"
66548,"Why did the Austrian woman go to see a psychologist. Because she wanted a penis.
"
2300,"What do you call an elf made of lego? Legolass
"
209092,"The problem with a well balanced diet is the amount of chicken wings I have to eat that equals the weight of a dozen beers.
"
86259,"How would you get four reindeer in a car? Two in the front and two in the back! And how do you get four polar bears in a car? Take the reindeer out first
"
162656,"Why are football grounds odd ? Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits !
"
94457,"I've always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
"
78035,"How do you stop a Polish battletank? Shoot the guy pushing it.
"
218257,"How does an SJW screw in a light-bulb? Zir holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around zirself.
"
16634,"Because United 93 didn't hit it's target, Osama bin Laden wasn't perfectly happy about the terror attacks. So he rated it a 9/11.
"
173760,"Why so the French line their streets with trees? So the Germans can march in the shade
"
22494,"Meet my good friend 50 Cent, or as he's known across the pond... 10,000 Pounds
"
3929,"therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but- me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn't have married this snake aren't u
"
140125,"48% of soda fountains tested positive for possible fecal contamination, meaning it's likely you've unknowingly been drinking cream soda.
"
22857,"The clearer your conscience, the more likely you are to answer a call from an unknown number.
"
128364,"Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.
"
227690,"Did you hear about the people holding a raffle with the prize as a coffin? It was a dead giveaway.
"
107107,"I met a Muslim biker once... He was the Sergeant at harams
"
130056,"My mate went for a penis enlargement yesterday. Apparently it's now a foot. Worst plastic surgeon ever...
"
26719,"How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Obviously more than 8, because my basement is still dark.
"
21598,"I like my beer like I like my violence... Domestic
"
207421,"What do you say to a family who has just experienced death of a family member due to anorexia? Sorry for the loss.
"
171616,"What to mopeds and fat chicks have in common? They're both fun to ride until one of your friends sees you on one.
"
42312,"Girlfriend: """"What's senior year without a little slacking?"""" Me: """"Junior year.""""
"
91539,"What are Turkish cattle best known for? Mootiny.
"
70067,"What's the most American food? Popcorn, because you have to blow it up before you eat it.
"
85651,"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo on me.
"
199254,"You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
"
14304,"Why did the french man put a bomb on his kitchen floor? Because he wanted to see Linoleum Blownapart.
"
55424,"Where's the """"It's Complicated"""" box to check off on this tax form?
"
176924,"I just couldn't stop watching the video about mechanically joining metal... It was riveting.
"
199914,"What happens to a bacteria when he travels from his home colony to another? He experiences culture shock.
"
111094,"What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A pilot
"
59835,"PASTOR: and the lord said unto uscan u stop please? it's very distracting ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don't think he said that
"
148430,"What should you not put in the washer with a load full of towels? A towel full of loads
"
106071,"What did the Titanic say to the iceberg? """"Okay, but just the tip.""""
"
157073,"Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
"
64217,"Dogs are all """"huh?"""" while cats are all """"ugh.""""
"
43204,"[lawyer whispers to plaintiff] two can play this game """"Your honor. Upsexy."""" Judge: what's upsexy? """"that's harassment. move to change venues""""
"
194018,"If I ever go missing.. you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
"
9484,"My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said """"WTF man, it's 2015. You can use whatever printer you want.""""
"
216274,"Thank you 2015 for... Bees?
"
67845,"How were the Jews captured during World War 2? They could not resist a ho-low-cost.
"
231610,"I told my wife not to turn her head away after giving me a blowjob, but she didn't listen. It went in one ear and out the other.
"
24981,"What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim
"
186412,"Sometimes I ponder over things like, -What is life? -Where am I going? & -What the hell is a """"spokes"""" person for a bike company called?
"
223227,"Sometimes it just doesn't feel like putting the lotion on its skin.
"
121463,"We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
"
109884,"What do songwriters do after they die? They decompose
"
203528,"OMG! My boss has choked on his sandwich and stopped breathing!! Should I call an ambulance? Its been 16hrs.. I didn't wanna make a fuss.
"
227752,"What do you call a greedy marsupial? A kangajew
"
128937,"What do a tornado and a divorce in the South have in common? Someone is losing their trailer..
"
134030,"The Pope has the bird flu. He got it from his cardinals.
"
130230,"My dad used to beat me every night HORSE, chess, Super Mario..
"
176759,"Rule #0 of the Internet: Nothing you put online, even for a second, can ever be taken down. Drink that in and know it.
"
199772,"Some one destroyed the punchline to my Beastie Boys joke earlier.. I'm tellin' y'all, it was a sabotage
"
151684,"What's a masochist's favorite type of pasta? Smacaroni
"
103702,"I think my wife is suffering from Bulimic Amnesia She keeps eating and eating and eating, and then forgetting to throw up
"
96313,"Fucking in lifts is wrong on so many levels
"
191171,"Can we make it a rule not to put anything after the punchline? Seriously, it ruins the joke every time without fail.
"
1866,"Parallel lines have so much in common, It's a shame they'll never meet.
"
16219,"Willie Nelson? (NSFW) What is the worst thing Willie Nelson could say to you while you are giving him a blowjob? I'm not really Willie Nelson
"
135409,"What's the difference between your boyfriend and whipped cream? The cream
"
55576,"Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I paid for a $0.95 corndog with a dollar!
"
191639,"Amazon Prime is seriously way better than Netflix. I love it almost as much as my Zune.
"
162533,"May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
"
131887,"What's better at math than you a retarded Asian April fooly! Gotcha Burn April fooly
"
194660,"That's the story about a penguin breathing by his ass One-day he sit and dye
"
184471,"Parole officer: Come in and take a seat [me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
"
110363,"I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
"
81137,"What do you call a black man when he is sitting in the cockpit controlling an airplane? A pilot you racist!
"
227760,"sick of bullshit dui checkpoint profiling just because i'm a white male with the jagermeister logo emblazoned across his truck windshield
"
134888,"Why do they call the hardest group, """"The Group of Death""""? Four rosters of boners & you'd want to die too.
"
185568,"Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances.
"
15210,"I like my women as I like my classical regression model estimators: consistent, efficient, and fucking unbiased.
"
197771,"The only way an ice cream sandwich could get any better is if it was shaped like a titty.
"
147689,"Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song.
"
32349,"I had a boyfriend once....right up until the moment my dad asked him """"so what do you do?"""" and he replied your daughter. He's Dead.
"
7449,"Why don't they make bouncy houses for adults? You'd spill your drink.
"
231395,"You're either a dog person or a non person.
"
176589,"What do Japanses pirates do? Fry pranes.
"
96026,"A truck containing 10,000 unborn fetuses ran off a cliff. Luckily, nobody was injured.
"
78256,"How does a cow do math? With a cowculator!
"
145505,"Did you hear about the red luxury cruise liner that collided with the blue luxury cruise liner? The passengers and crew were marooned.
"
90214,"Arnold Palmer has died... I heard that he will be half buried and half cremated.
"
218568,"Why do barbers make good drivers?  Because they know all the short cuts.
"
111729,"Why can't the dutch fly? Because they netherland.
"
80264,"What do you call a gay wildcat? A dandelion
"
156255,"I know a thousand ways to kill a man, and pretty much all of them are with an XBOX controller.
"
114102,"Did you hear about the ancient bisexual motorcycle gang made up of Norse monarchs? They're called the bi-kings
"
17558,"What will people say when Prince Charles dies? Long live the Queen.
"
162654,"A woman walks into her doctor's office NSFW she ask's her doctor: is it possible to get pregnant from anal sex? her doctor replies: of course, how do you think lawyers are born?
"
80369,"My dad called in and told this joke to win a corny joke contest in the 70's What has two knees and swims in the ocean? A Two-knee fish!.....
"
181112,"Cat Cousins (OC) Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin? He followed lynx in his family.
"
2618,"All I'm saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
"
79880,"Why doesn't Ellen have a cooking segment? She's always eating out
"
117370,"What did the man say to his big breasted ex-wife? Thanks for the mammaries.
"
27558,"What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger Woods had a better driver!
"
47930,"I've made a fortune in gambling by betting my bottom dollar that the sun will come out tomorrow, thanks to my bookie, Annie.
"
159454,"Why are there trees in Harlem? Public Transport
"
165582,"Where do you go if a twister is about to touchdown in Texas? The Dallas Cowboy Stadium, a touchdown never happens there!
"
20747,"An anti-semantic walks into a synagogue. The linguists in the group are offended and leave.
"
2616,"What dinosaur has the best vocabulary? The bronthesaurus.
"
5600,"What is the difference between Donald Trump's hair and a Headcrab? Nothing.
"
128265,"How does Hitler make his coffee? He jews it.
"
164651,"[painting a picture of the last supper] """"Who's that?"""" """"Darth Vader."""" """"Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?"""" """"I dunno, I've only seen the 1st movie.""""
"
227332,"""""Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?"""" """"No."""" """"Why not, sir?"""" """"Because, it would make my rabbi sad.""""
"
225195,"Rabbits are either running or being a statue. You never see a rabbit strolling.
"
226413,"Most people have 32 teeth, some have 10. It's simple meth.
"
113432,"man...im so hungry i could- *i catch eye contact with a horse* """"you could what?"""" *shows his gun* i could.. eat a sandwich """"thought so.""""
"
170499,"Want to know why the call my penis the 'Truth'? The 'Truth' hurts
"
150128,"[HR office] Do you know why we called you in today? To give me a pay rise? No. Because I googled 'How to burn down office' 600 times? Yes.
"
180983,"Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA. Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands* Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
"
181503,"What do you call a dirty atheist? An unholy mess!
"
66034,"What's the highest story of any building? Floor 20
"
173180,"I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
"
18609,"Today I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof I was shocked!
"
14226,"I saw a documentary about beavers... It was the best dam program I've seen in a while
"
215797,"Father: How were the exam questions? Son: Easy Father: Then why look so unhappy? Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble just the answers!
"
107324,"Lesbian Joke Why can't lesbians wear make-up and go on a diet at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig when Mary Kay is already on her face.
"
171192,"My brother in law won't go to Hooters with me tonight because his wife is """"having a baby."""" #lame
"
74866,"Nothing like an episode of """"I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"""" to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
"
150233,"Me: You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you're smart too, I like that.
"
99836,"Having a bit of a lazy day... sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss doesn't look amused
"
44107,"A stranger called me the other day and told me to meet him at the cemetery at midnight. What a fucktard. He didn't even come.
"
176940,"Relation-SHIPS sink when they have too many passengers.
"
178741,"A man walks into a bar and orders a double Nebraska. The bartender turns around and says """"Sorry, we don't have *NE*.""""
"
187043,"Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas, it was in vein.
"
66315,"""""You'll never see him coming!"""" - Quote by Stevie Wonder
"
199289,"So, a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch... The bartender asks, """"What the hell is that?"""" The pirate responds, """"Arrrrr, it drives me nuts.""""
"
61084,"""""Please stop misquoting me on Twitter,"""" said my boss. """"It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut""""
"
127013,"My dog plays this fun game where she holds her bladder until she gets inside the house
"
147509,"No one has 99 problems. That's so many problems.
"
188907,"""""Let's see how many people we can trick into thinking we're quarters today!"""" - nickels
"
44558,"A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can't jump high enough to be in the """"mid air"""" beach picture :(
"
165014,"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean.....
"
165696,"Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it was pissed off!
"
230654,"I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: """"Oh, bad move, I'd have done it this way...""""
"
75619,"How do we know Paul Walker had dandruff? We found his Heads & Shoulders in the glove box.
"
205599,"A man walks into a bar That doesn't make cent
"
32726,"Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs? Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.
"
172622,"What state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota
"
30197,"Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem... [car horn] He didn't have access to the Record Scratch sound effect.
"
141284,"Put the punchline in the title How do you ruin a perfectly good joke?
"
139519,"I just yawned so loud, I think I called a boat in.
"
136076,"Men mostly hate two words: 'not' and 'enough'... unless you say them together.
"
196913,"Problem gambling? Bet you can't quit.
"
64182,"There's no I in you. Yet.
"
135392,"What appears when you ask a genie for a classical composer? A wish Liszt.
"
208481,"How do pigs gets to hospital? In a hambulance
"
170303,"Why did the chicken cross the playground? ... to get to the other slide. H/T - my seven year old son.
"
28952,"What's the best part about sleeping with twenty five year olds? There's twenty of them.
"
231089,"Why do people go to the gym again? Do they not know what a nap is?
"
67080,"Two satellites got married the wedding was okay, but the reception was incredible!
"
132560,"What service did Michael Jackson use to do his taxes? Pay-To-File
"
175708,"Did you read the article about corduroy pillowcases? ... They're making headlines.
"
109586,"*takes bite of cookie* Aw man this is awful *takes another bite* Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
"
75053,"What do you call an octopus that loves jokes? A knock-knocktopus.
"
82942,"My buddy has an inability to visualize feces He can't see shit
"
46554,"Miracle - something that only happens when I am not around I have that feeling that miracle is something that never happens around me or with me... does it happens with you????
"
23584,"You deserve a standing ovation from my tallest finger.
"
214253,"How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing? Asbestos he can. I'm so sorry.
"
141887,"Why does Luigi bring an extra pair of overalls when he golfs? In case he gets a hole-in-one
"
83427,"Why does Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand? She uses the other hand to moan.
"
14228,"How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
"
59396,"I want to start selling arm prosthetics globally Because then I'll be an international arms dealer.
"
5609,"Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner? Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes...
"
43107,"Trivia: If you stood every single Starbucks employee around the equator... I would totally steal a white chocolate and raspberry muffin.
"
38568,"Why was the Muslim arrested for speeding during Ramadan? Because he was going *to fast*!
"
9964,"In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature
"
169962,"Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair? Because she wanted to rock and roll.
"
28256,"My cat's name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw """"Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda""""
"
13250,"What is the only group of cops who get in trouble when a black guy gets killed? secret service
"
75200,"You know what they say about men with big feet... They have massive socks.
"
139812,"Whichever marketing genius created the """"Kim Kardashian Kollection"""" must not know much about history or acronyms.
"
108164,"I have CDO It's like OCD, but the letters are in order. Like they should be.
"
20373,"If I were Russian I'd be Vladimir Poopin
"
149161,"What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't Jelly my dick into you.
"
105108,"Meeting friends for dinner. Can't find my phone so I'm bringing along a TV remote to stare at.
"
95129,"How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't worry about changing the lightbulb. I'll just sit here in the dark.
"
43655,"Who did the ghost-boy write to during his trip to ghost-summercamp? There is no afterlife.
"
86922,"Most famous gay couple of all. Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
"
130896,"Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar... For the BOOOOS
"
169852,"I'm okay with Trump becoming president His hands are so tiny, he can't hold a pen to sign any bills
"
176193,"What do you call Venus Williams' collection of Pokemon? The 'mons of Venus.
"
105140,"I don't think this bowl of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
"
154535,"Bless you, my son... What is the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits for puberty before coming on his face.
"
168784,"In Soviet Russia... Joke kills you.
"
129022,"What do you say to a robot with a good looking bum? Nice Assimo.
"
98692,"So I heard they've leaked the working title of the Reeva Steenkamp biography... """"I'd rather die standing than live on my knees.""""
"
104520,"Why'd the Mexican cross the road? He took the chicken's job.
"
47182,"Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
"
4050,"I went to a show at the zoo, but the monkeys went wild and stated flinging poo at everybody... What a shit show
"
190071,"Why did the Weimar Republic ban balloons? Because of the Hyperinflation.
"
190340,"How do you piss off a transgender? I'm sure the title will be enough to do it.
"
42111,"My 10 year old niece said her science teacher entered her in a science fair I said, call the police!
"
95538,"How many gays does it take to put in a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes a whole emergency room to remove it.
"
212194,"What's a metaphor? Winning the game tournament!
"
65688,"Best thing about living in NY is you can order anything, anytime, and 30 minutes later it shows up. You see here? This here is an orangutan.
"
17785,"""""You can't stand there."""" """"Not there, either."""" """"Nope that spot's taken, too."""" -Ground hogs
"
161316,"An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn it to stop ourselves from freezing
"
102670,"The Story of the Old, Empty Barn There was nothing in it.
"
12701,"If I was Genghis Khan's personal advisor Every time he had a moment of self doubt, I'd remind him he is Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan't.
"
100711,"Divorced Barbie. Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? A: All Ken's stuff.
"
5902,"[HR office] HR: you know why you're here, right? Me: HR: you can't """"contract"""" Down's Syndrome & you can't call in sick with it
"
105152,"Life just handed me lemonade. Not sure what to do.
"
87024,"I call the toilet at work Mrs. Star Trek, because I just Shatner.
"
157738,"What happens when a male prostitute trains another male prostitute? He takes him under his wang.
"
24494,"It's easy to be with my family because we have so much in common. Like, we all love to look at our phones!!
"
20761,"If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
"
139403,"I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor... Then I thought of all the training.
"
49432,"I finally realized I could no longer keep my broken money making machine. It just didn't make cents.
"
57688,"I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
"
99172,"I went to a paraplegic fundraiser It was crawling with pussy
"
198285,"r/jokes this Aprils fools is god damn annoying at least give us a way to turn it off lol.
"
119522,"Muslim extremists have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London... Police think it might be the early start of Ram-a-dam.
"
158890,"How do you circumcise a hillibilly? You kick his sister in the jaw!
"
210063,"So true... Q: Why do women have boobs? A: So you have something to look at while you're talking to them!
"
177037,"2016 It was a joke
"
181685,"If you're paddling a canoe up a river and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None, because ice cream doesn't have bones.
"
186306,"When a group of mercenary electric powered robot horsemen attack... ...is it a charge charge charge?
"
209921,"What's the best iPhone app for telling a kid he's adopted?
"
222123,"In the event of a zombie apocalypse, who's the first to lose his job? a necromancer
"
172840,"Go ahead, post and claim my tweets as your own. Maybe later, if you like, I'll come satisfy your woman and you can take credit for that too.
"
63843,"The best writerly advice is to start each paragraph w """"Here's somethin for ya!"""" as the reader is now engaged & will follow you anywhere
"
5412,"Shout out to Mother Earth! She's 4.6 billion years old and still getting hotter.
"
214432,"How can there be self-help 'groups'?
"
26837,"New study reveals that women actually make better archaeologist. They're always digging up old shit.
"
122266,"Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund To get a long little doggy
"
147308,"All Lives Matter ...until you multiply them by the speed of light squared. Then all lives energy.
"
96681,"Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
"
60244,"Isaac Newton's friend was 16 minutes late the first time they met. At their second meeting, the friend was 8 minutes late. At this rate, said Newton, """"you'll never be on time.""""
"
45877,"How are woman and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave.
"
203243,"I wanted to be a banker But then I lost interest.
"
104007,"Why does Martin Luther King like jam? Because God bless America
"
205701,"What does a vegan zombie eat? Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!
"
15713,"Honeymooners (II) Her friend asked how the honeymoon went. """"OK,"""" she said. """"Though Niagara Falls wasn't as big as I hoped, either.""""
"
221387,"So Fabio is endorsing a new line of Fleshlights They're calling them """"I can't believe it's not butt.""""
"
105795,"A speedo is just a man's way of saying """"not today girls"""".
"
97809,"What does a 1 eyed, 1 legged, and deaf kid get for Christmas? ...Cancer
"
74013,"BREAKING: Daniel on Facebook is worried about his account's privacy but Paul is all """"that shit's a hoax dude!"""" More as this story develops.
"
217780,"I think I just caught the Zika virus... I met a Brazilian girl and she gave me a little head.
"
97335,"[interview] """"Describe yourself in 5 words."""" me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.
"
135281,"I hope Death is a woman That way, it will never come for me
"
202195,"There's only one problem with reading articles about space based technology It all goes waaaay over my head.
"
96903,"""""Does my uniform make me look fat?"""" -Insecurity guard
"
136332,"How many tickles does it take to make laugh an octopus ? Ten tickles
"
210167,"Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year's. Thanks pumpkin!
"
184064,"*Frantically typing on google* 'How to do CPR' *Opens video, 30 second ad pops up* [To dying person] Ok just hold on a sec
"
71537,"So today I found out I have Alzheimer's disease... But on the bright side, at least I don't have Alzheimer's disease.
"
50446,"Everytime I close my eyes, I think of you... 'cuz damn..It's sooo black just like you, nikah! --- I'm sorry...
"
48124,"What's better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.
"
205996,"What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails ? He cut all his fingers off !
"
181965,"What's worse than a dead muskrat under your piano? A diseased beaver on your organ.
"
51953,"As a large scale chicken farmer I raise hundreds of cocks everyday for a living.
"
41625,"TIL: They're making a sequal to Brokeback Mountain... Called Sore Ass Pass.
"
56261,"How long does it take To microwave a baby? I'm too busy jerking of to watch a timer.
"
97289,"Why do SCUBA divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward they would land in the boat!
"
175690,"Why did the vegan avoid the confrontation? He didn't want any beef.
"
180925,"What's the difference between an Ethiopian elevator sign and an British elevator sign? British sign says """" Maximum 6 People/500kg"""" Ethiopian sign says """"Maximum 500 People/6kg""""
"
69500,"What do you call a deer with flashlights for eyes? A bright eye deer.
"
185483,"This milk is so far past its expiration date that I'm only going to have a small slice.
"
208760,"What do you call a fat computer? A Dell.
"
211332,"People keep pushing me around and calling me lazy... I don't care what they say though this wheelchair is the best thing I ever bought!
"
108594,"Made this one up today: Knock knock I eat mop
"
178179,"My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he's brain dead
"
66305,"So many pants. So little yoga.
"
200491,"As a male, I enjoy watching POV porn where the guy recording is black so I can imagine that I have an enormous vertical leap.
"
33102,"I hate when you compliment on their mustache... ..and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
"
126825,"The wonderful world of Ironi """"Saw an asian classmate eat ramen and thought 'how typical' than looked down at my El Pollo Loco"""" - Hispanic colleague
"
127962,"Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives
"
117641,"BAE: come over ME: we live together im sitting right here BAE: my parents arent home ME: what is wrong with you
"
100038,"Why did the little girl in the flower dress fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms.
"
129167,"I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.
"
125084,"Admit it, you smiled. What do frogs do when they are depressed? They Kermit suicide.
"
194712,"What do you call a pickled aardvark? A jarredvark!
"
97447,"If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
"
202148,"I had sex with somebody and caught their cold. I have snyphilis.
"
223834,"What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew? Boy Scouts come back from camp.
"
153796,"My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water.... ....she means well
"
91359,"Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? [NSFW] He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking the chickens!
"
41366,"If Israel gets wiped off the map... Then we'll have to start calling it Wasrael
"
35763,"Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
"
211858,"There was a body of a man found in a manhole in New York. Authorities determined his death was a sewercide.
"
147947,"Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
"
37919,"Going to the toy store, pressing the """"TRY ME"""" button on a toy and the fucking thing wont stop...So you just try to get the fuck out of there like nothing happened.
"
160363,"Can anyone please post some good accountant jokes? Meeting with one tomorrow. Thanks
"
191479,"Do cats stutter? No, but they paws.
"
179836,"I like my women like I like my food. Existent.
"
132555,"What's the difference between US Politics and WWE? one is a predetermined charade that takes a tremendous amount of willingness to suspend disbelief the other is pro wrestling.
"
97347,"What Nationality has the easiest time learning sign language? Italians.
"
9802,"Me: Don't tell me you've never thought about having sex with me. Her: No, I never have.... Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
"
121624,"Why do Mexicans always have red eyes after sex? Pepperspray...
"
106942,"""""I love you...conditionally."""" -Cats
"
211206,"Don't quote me, but I'm pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
"
210493,"""""For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.."""" - Newton's Law """"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad."""" - Cole's Law
"
163883,"Why are all the guys banging hot chicks in porn fat and ugly? I don't know, but sign me up!
"
39887,"What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument? A tuba toothpaste.
"
146642,"Why did the muscle miss class? ...because it wasn't a-tendon!
"
149079,"What do you call a stoner dinosaur? A Smokealottapottapus.
"
73866,"Why do politians hate the term """"mudslinging""""? They don't want to get their hands dirty.
"
220190,"Why are none of my jokes funny? Because I have a shitty sense of humor.
"
169790,"I once stood 2 Twix bars up. Allahu Snackbar! (It was originally """"Allahu Akbar"""", but u/Disagreeing_Man made it funnier.)
"
3870,"What's Thom Yorke's reddit? /u/KarmaPuhlease
"
230827,"I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
"
132094,"What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ? Santa Clues !
"
20228,"I was scraping a window at my Grandma's house.... I then thought up a joke for my mom to hear it was """"This window scraping stuff is a pane in the glass!"""" She laughed :)
"
157933,"Why did the mathematician get pulled over? for drinking and deriving
"
82317,"The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It's like he doesn't realize I'm married.
"
8161,"I bumped into a cute guy today. I clawed his face off. I should work on my people skills.
"
139266,"There was a kidnapping at school today... But don't worry, he woke up
"
188123,"Doctor doctor I'm at death's door!  Don't worry Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you  through.
"
153132,"How many muscles does a chicken have in its neck? Just enough to hold it's pecker up...
"
123490,"What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it.
"
46779,"THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
"
3040,"I feel like my rear end turns into Billy Mayes whenever I get diarrhea... """"Butt wait, there's more!""""
"
186227,"How did the leper hockey game end? There was a face off in the corner.
"
215443,"So, its blasphemy you want? Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a sand-nigger.
"
181333,"At Toys """"R"""" Us, Barbie and the Chuck Norris actions figures must be at least eight aisles apart by law. After all, it is a children's store.
"
167801,"If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
"
127592,"Sometimes I'm scared I'll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I'm not so scared anymore.
"
35004,"What is mozart doing nowadays? Decomposing
"
183782,"David Hume's 'Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion' was published after his death, or in other words... it was published posthumeously.
"
118327,"Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.
"
218160,"Terminator doesn't google himself he uses Altavista baby.
"
220995,"Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense? Seriously. That other guy hasn't answered yet, and I'm dying to find out!
"
9985,"music joke As the Cellist in our string quartet, i can't help but feel the other musicians are looking down on me. sorry about that, i will just be getting my coat.
"
137231,"Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?
"
65387,"5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars Me: That'd wreck the economy 5: I just- Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
"
190179,"[NSFW] If abortion is a kill..... If abortion is a kill then jerking off is a massacre
"
214468,"Did you hear about the Hunger Games character who got eaten alive in the Middle East? Poor Peeta...
"
132082,"The three unwritten rules of life 1. 2. 3.
"
92675,"My naughty parts are starting to tingle! I usually only feel like this in my genitals.
"
83271,"*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
"
108322,"What's the best thing about kids? Making them!!!
"
194460,"What's a porn stars favorite drink? 7up in cider
"
162966,"I'm not into phone sex, the cord always gets stuck in my ass.
"
306,"A Bug's Mind What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he crashes into a windshield? His asshole.
"
34012,"What kind of bagel can fly? A plane bagel!
"
73105,"Why did Donald Trump watch the olympics? To see how high the mexicans pole vaulters can jump
"
93118,"Which news outlet has the most interesting Black Lives Matter coverage? BBC
"
119932,"What do you give a cannibal late for Sunday lunch? The cold shoulder
"
213309,"Why don't you hit a Mexican kid who's riding a bike? Because it's probably your bike
"
13375,"""""haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-"""" *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they're for
"
79478,"What lands as often on its tail as it does its head? A penny.
"
63676,"A black James Bond? Wouldn't work. He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
"
72410,"Why did Hitler delay the invasion of Britain? The weather called for *Heil*
"
72250,"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it was stuck in a crack!
"
179005,"I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can't even afford A washer or a dryer
"
224704,"i wanna get a huge pile of rocks for my driveway so i can park my car like a range rover dealership
"
10471,"So in 2016 I've decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
"
177529,"what did the jewish child molester say? hey kid, wanna buy some candy?
"
191588,"It all... The title says it all.
"
182789,"""""More people are killed by toasters than sharks"""". So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you're in big trouble.
"
105941,"It's weird that you need money to stay alive.
"
171296,"I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it: """"I wish my Wife was this Dirty"""".
"
134350,"Personally, I don't think it would feel good to be walking on sunshine. The sun is a fucking hot ball of gas.
"
217470,"What's blue and doesn't fit? An epileptic at the bottom of a pool.
"
88813,"How many people live in South America? A Brazilian.
"
166968,"Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
"
79877,"A co-worker of mine vocally disapproved with my proposal to ban pyrotechnics in nightclubs... I told her to give her rebuke a rest.
"
157745,"I think Adam Johnson should remain on FIFA 16 Because it means that kids will get to play with him for once
"
219565,"I just added Princess Diana to my xbox friends list. I don't think she has any games though, all she does is spend all day on the dashboard...
"
80516,"Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.
"
151029,"How do you make Holy water? You boil the Hell out of it.
"
53315,"I got arrested for having sex in a park. Luckily, I know some guys so I only got away with necrophilia.
"
147486,"Why do chemists go to the gym so much? Before they titrate, they need to get buffer!
"
194021,"You better watch out, you better not cry You better not pout, I'm telling you why Emotion signals weakness to your enemy Be vigilant, my son
"
228632,"Whats The Difference Between A Pick-Pocketer And A Peeping Tom? One snatches watches, and the other watches snatches!
"
11051,"Roses are red... Roses are red Violets are red Trees are red Shit my garden is on fire!
"
66367,"Why can't pencils have babies? Because they have rubbers on their end.
"
190057,"How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke-her-face!
"
192486,"[movie night] Her: Can I pick tonight? Me: You picked last time and it was horrible Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
"
11208,"My hit song would be """"Text Me Only""""
"
22649,"I really hate it when my gay friends joke about docking... It really gets under my skin.
"
39684,"Dogs are just vacuums that want to be rewarded
"
21279,"a pastor, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar. he orders a drink....
"
144166,"I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I'm going to try this on my wife.
"
220281,"What do you call a big beefy doctor who also studies the weather in his spare time? A Meaty-urologist. ^^Don't^^shoot^^me^^...
"
114700,"What's the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll before it leaves the factory? Give it two test-tickles!
"
12431,"Most offensive joke I know Why are dollars green? Because jews collect them before they ripen.
"
209472,"ISIS is not Global Warming... I heard Pratt & Whitney were United tonight. God bless you both!
"
81438,"Why did the chemist break his teeth? He ate a Pb and j sandwich I'd tell you another but all the good jokes argon
"
226854,"Where's the most racist place to focus one's thoughts? Inward
"
100205,"Why do the Japanese have squinty eyes? Becuase atomic bombs are bright.
"
82829,"DRIVING ON HIGHWAY Wife: You just missed a right. Me: Thanks babe  you just MRS right.
"
47569,"Hi, welcome to Necrophiliac Club. Who wants a cold one?
"
188658,"Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
"
20470,"How to you get rid of the dandelions on your lawn? Paint one of them black; the others will move away.
"
93963,"A rainbow.. Is gods little way of frowning at gay people
"
219009,"When you say """"9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans"""" all I hear is """"there's a bear out there who knows how to use matches.""""
"
53034,"So if something's not """"unique"""" then it's just """"ique,"""" right?
"
144988,"What's a good punch line to a Nazi themed anti-joke? Can you **not see** where I am going with this?
"
21958,"Tweets My Dad Shits.
"
200691,"Q: Why did the parasite listen to the clock? A: Because it liked the tick talk.
"
174202,"What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student? An essay.
"
93639,"A pedophile was taking a small child into the woods at night.... The kid say, """"These woods are really scary"""". The pedophile replies with, """"You're telling me, iv'e got to walk out of here alone"""".
"
38150,"This is an X and Z conversation... Y are you in the middle?
"
175590,"What is the greatest show of trust in a person? Letting a cannibal give you a blowjob.
"
166114,"What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth? a GladHeAteHer
"
110629,"What do you call a nymphomaniac graffiti artist? Bonksy
"
121374,"""""Mom, I found out I had colon cancer today."""" """"REALLY? What are the symptoms??"""" """"Why do I always have to start a list...""""
"
100425,"Donald Trump was really bragging about how big his penis was last night. Obama doesn't believe him. He's now calling for the release of his Girth Certificate.
"
10206,"It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. So, hate fun or have a fat face, your choice.
"
24246,"I dreamed... I dreamed I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.
"
137596,"My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.
"
208887,"Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film! Me: U too! TC: Really? You'll take me with u? Me: I didn't mean.. TC: Oh, I see Me: I'm sor TC: [sobs] JUST GO
"
67761,"Why can't you escape the angry forest? Because there are mad trees.
"
86183,"Carl was annoying Carl walked into a street shop. the first thing he did was cough very loudly. e b 9
"
130024,"A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears... Personally I  think its nuts.
"
146790,"My best joke today is.... r/news sub count. Literally just go there and press f5
"
180436,"What is the Difference Between a Pretentious Asshole, and a Brilliant Artist? About 6 feet.
"
163897,"I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that's totally fine, and science shouldn't stop her.
"
157613,"Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife.Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and  unlimited plan.
"
97606,"How do u castrate a priest ? Kick the alter boy in the chin ;)
"
71873,"Why did the boy fall off his bike? Someone threw a fridge at him
"
70619,"I haven't had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
"
77357,"Why won't A Flock of Seagulls perform in the Middle East? Iran so far away
"
166912,"Apparently, one in every two and a half men has HIV. Sorry, Charlie. ^^^Though ^^^I ^^^can't ^^^say ^^^I'm ^^^surprised.
"
37017,"What happens when you steamroll Batman and Robin? They become flatman and ribbon.
"
214085,"What do you call a hollow dachshund? Holloween. (*Please don't report me)
"
191034,"If Robbie Rotten's """"We are number one"""" is a meme.. Does that make one a musical number?
"
95066,"What is the difference between a cock and a penis? A cock is an animal. Penis is a male sexual organ.
"
104438,"Reports are coming in of an elephant doing a ton in the highway. Police ask motorists to drive carefully and to yield right of way.
"
94640,"What did the man with the world's largest penis have for breakfast? I had a bowl of Corn Flakes and some buttered wheat toast.
"
194952,"Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face. I teared up a little. I get strippers, I get it.
"
76872,"I asked a Chinese girl for her number... She said """"sex! sex! sex! Free sex tonight!"""" I said """"wow"""" Then her friend said,"""" she means 666-3629""""
"
205793,"How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two - One to put it most of the way in, and one to give it an interesting twist at the end.
"
30787,"Relationship Status: Very relieved towels can't get pregnant.
"
89350,"A fax machine is just a surprise printer.
"
159254,"Pope John Paul is being sainted. What a snub to Pope George Ringo.
"
56786,"What's the rudest type of Elf? The GofuckyoursELF 
"
112706,"Q: What's a frog's favorite drink? A: Croaka Cola.
"
80001,"Ever since I joined a French pedophilia group.. (Xpost r/imgoingtohellforthis) I've been on Claude, nine.
"
104261,"A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. """"Look in the lion's mouth"""" the vet told him. """"How do I do that?"""" he asked. """"Carefully"""" replied the vet.
"
203504,"What do you call someone who dyes their hair red? Trans-ginger
"
46015,"The Joys of Horse-riding by Jim Kama
"
84637,"My rare penny collection isn't very wise... It completely lacks common cents.
"
25172,"I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. """"What are you doing in here with that hammer?""""
"
218627,"How can you tell that you're getting old?  You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
"
120219,"What is an astronaut's favorite key on the keyboard? The space bar.
"
196961,"Blind people should not skydive. It scares the crap out of their dogs.
"
123212,"how bout i spell YOUR name wrong, Stahrbux. hm? how bout i pronounce it wrong, too, huh? you like that? how's that feel, Stlerbecks?
"
131489,"JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences [60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated] COP: This baby camel is under arrest
"
211423,"What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic? A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. ~ Infinite Jest, by DFW
"
98766,"My favorite short joke. How much cum does a queer have? ... A buttload. I always found this humorous because a lot of people use 'shit load' or 'fuck ton' as units of measure.
"
169929,"I try not to let facts or sound reasoning get in the way of a good rationalization.
"
99271,"Sue: I'm off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles* Stan: A power cut.
"
220165,"""""My eyes are up here"""" ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
"
161849,"She asked me for a dollar... But I only had three quarters of it.
"
164794,"Where did all the TV remotes go when you can't find them? To a remote island...
"
66694,"What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhino? elifino
"
41983,"I finally figured out why so few people still have fucks to give ! The gangster rappers stole the whole supply for their songs
"
180004,"What does the janitor say when he jumps out of the closet? supplies!!!!!!!!!!
"
65184,"Reddit went down for me... that was the most boring poop ever
"
89003,"After kissing a girl in back of the gym for several hours I said, """"You know, this isn't working out.""""
"
61759,"I was going to say a gay joke... butt fuck it.
"
188409,"A Muslim tried to tell a joke It bombed.
"
181979,"Yelling """"you're not my real ladder!"""" at your step ladder.
"
110485,"What is the difference between a Mother and Wife? One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.
"
28748,"Kim Kardashian wore white at her wedding. That's it. That's the joke.
"
127832,"There was a little girl who had a curl right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very good. But when she was bad, hot damn, she was terrific!
"
154751,"Did You Hear About the Man Who Went to The North Pole? He isn't doing so hot.
"
24730,"What's Donald Trumps favorite Pink Floyd album The wall
"
154344,"cops shutting down my giant SLIP N' SLIDE again because the traffic on the highway needs to get around us I guess
"
215104,"*she hears me singing in the shower* Her: oh he's so cute *she hears a guitar amp click on and feedback ring out* Her: NATE NOOOOOOOOOOOO
"
160481,"I would like an Instagram feed of the piles of shit people push out of the way to get the perfect shots in their homes.
"
219028,"A Muslim walks into a bar... Just kidding it's haram
"
220913,"eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
"
29364,"Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle? Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn't cheap tho
"
222702,"My 'Sleep Number' is Grey Goose.
"
158502,"You're just like my little toe, because I'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home.
"
192132,"Do you remember that programme about the surfing stuntman? It used to be good but now it's jumped the shark.
"
173186,"There are two key principles in life One of them is not saying everything you know
"
114396,"Britain are predicted to do well in the Pole Vault event at the Olympics this year Due to the large number of Polish people they have to practice with.
"
192067,"I once asked my mom about the time I was conceived... ...she replied:"""" Son, you were simply a blowjob gone awry.""""
"
98383,"How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? You nail a piece of toast to the ceiling.
"
207708,"My wife has cancer and the doctor has prescribed heavy morphine doses for the pain and distress. It works, when I have taken them I can hardly hear her crying at all.
"
143889,"My dad told me his New Years resolution was to embrace his mistakes. He hugged my sister and I :(
"
47631,"TIFU by posting in the wrong subreddit. Shit I thought this was /r/irony
"
16936,"Do you know how many 3rd party sects the catholic church is protecting? None, catholics aren't allowed to have protected sects.
"
165663,"Two termites walk into a bar... """"Excuse me sir, is the bar tender here?""""
"
65731,"Knock knock. Who's there? The Jews. The Jews who? Don't question us, that's anti semitic.
"
140632,"Which president was famous for his long pauses? Ellipsis S. Grant.
"
98218,"What the beat part about having sex with twenty-one year olds? There's twenty of them!
"
84414,"Pussy I know some of you don't get it.
"
140991,"A strange sense of humor. Surprisingly, but the long walks on the moor very breathtakingly.
"
78259,"I was at the park today by the playground. A mother asked me which kid was mine. """"I haven't decided yet."""".
"
33188,"Why did Jose push his wife off the cliff? Tequila...
"
167708,"""""Dude go make the first move on her!"""" """"Okay fine, but I'm not too sure what I'm doing."""" *approaches girl* """"Knight to f3""""
"
156063,"Some day, I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am and supports all my dreams. And I'll think, """"Something must be wrong with this one.""""
"
158919,"Some people are really tired after abortions... It's like they got life sucked out of them.
"
58255,"Why does Lebron James drive automatic? He has no clutch.
"
221314,"What did the cell say to its sister when she stepped on her toe? Mitosis
"
179628,"A Georgia State Trooper pulls over a car. He says... ...to the driver, """"Got any ID?"""" The driver says, """"'Bout what?""""
"
185364,"Here's a joke for those who follow rap Meek Mill
"
184309,"What do you get when ant's parents won't let him marry his girlfriend? Antelopes.
"
211776,"If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you're probably Rosetta Stoned.
"
118390,"science jokes two chemists walk into a bar, the first one says """"I'll have H20"""" the second one says """"I'll have H20 two"""" the second chemist dies.how did he die? tell me in the comments
"
179235,"At this point, the only reason I still get The New Yorker is to impress my mailman.
"
145757,"If you think men aren't good listeners then whisper """"C'mere, I'm naked"""" and I will hear you eight states away.
"
84783,"I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don't text me back.
"
110724,"There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
"
199231,"Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were playing chess... The comedy practically writes itself.
"
199085,"A blonde walks into a laundromat... And says to a worker, """"can you wash this shirt?"""" The worker did not hear her and said """"come again?"""" The blonde than replies """"no it is mustard this time""""
"
20013,"How do crows know what time is it? They have the knights watch .
"
167346,"What do you get if you fuck someone in the ear? Hearing aids.
"
159334,"[on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
"
227224,"What's an SJW's favorite JRPG? Chrono Triggered.
"
180197,"Doctor Doctor I keep painting myself gold Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!
"
3769,"My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first.
"
30190,"The non-Spanish version of Ambien is called Amgood.
"
53754,"Typical mexico...
"
87462,"Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but.. Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
"
146038,"Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.
"
102160,"The current law system is like bleach It works great on whites... but destroys colors.
"
138412,"How many girls does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, you tell me.
"
5263,"I like my women like I like my beer Stout and bitter
"
112059,"*standing outside your house I was totally going to stalk you but... *pets your dog instead
"
101249,"Friend: Do I need to repeat myself? Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time
"
89338,"A Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar. The Muslim says """"I don't drink"""" The Jew replies """"I'm not paying""""
"
144059,"Trump must be Hitler... ...because he sure is killin the pol(l)s right now!
"
119023,"How does Hitler tie his shoes? With Nazi's
"
115424,"What did one piece of bread say to the sad piece of bread? Its going to be all rye.
"
93813,"HELP!!! I forgot it's Mother's Day! I need some quick Mother's Day Present.
"
99549,"Who cooks in a lesbian relationship? No one, they both eat out.
"
227263,"One terrorist says to another: """"Did you hear, Malala is single?..."""" """"...you should take a shot.""""
"
140760,"Recent Scientific Discovery: Diarrhea Is Genetic. It runs in your genes.
"
103279,"Why don't you see penguins in Britain? Because they're afraid of Wales
"
215364,"Clickbait... ... it works everytime!
"
82664,"Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence ? A: She wasn't used to the front seat!
"
70246,"wife: """"he never reacts appropriately, just tell him"""" doctor: """"ok, keith we had to remove both your legs"""" me: """"where will i keep my car keys""""
"
96204,"Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating. Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
"
88320,"Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space? Because nobody liked it on earth.
"
124835,"*sinks into depression* Depression: """"Wrong hole.""""
"
47589,"What do you say to a midget that is a hooker? You must be this tall to ride.
"
110928,"How does cheese get more mature? Fromage
"
123313,"What do you get from a cowmedian? Cream of Wit!
"
127604,"I'm not going to let my kids listen to symphonies and big bands... too much sax and violins
"
186354,"Perhaps the most gut wrenching part of my day is the moment I look in my fast food bag to see if they remembered my straw
"
214716,"Are you a Farmer? Cause you know how to raise a cock!
"
90383,"You'll find there's truly so much beauty in the world if you'll just look at the right desktop wallpaper websites
"
19820,"I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
"
164757,"The only sexual problem I have is... I don't have sex.
"
92420,"About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
"
27740,"What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of  fried chicken ? She kicked the bucket !
"
70281,"Police have arrested a cat for robbery Guess they've identified the purrpetrator
"
2453,"""""You know the newest cars drive themselves. And they found that by turning an equal amount left and right, you end up going straight."""" """"I swear, officer.""""
"
77873,"Why did Constantinople fall? Itstumbled.
"
58297,"I had a job interview yesterday, I poured myself a glass of water and it overflowed slightly """"Nervous?"""" asked the interviewer, I simply replied """"No I always give 110%.""""
"
102338,"Some jokes are like doctors... They get better with repeated deliveries.
"
9392,"Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.
"
154021,"Accidentally brushed my teeth with hemorrhoid cream ...but at least my asshole smells minty fresh
"
173081,"Why did the pirate go to Ireland? he thought he was going to Arrrland.
"
154232,"What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted :)
"
88195,"Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Because they're two tired!
"
164842,"Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor's bedroom looks like a giant doily.
"
212729,"What do you call mexicans who are stoned? Baked beans.
"
35579,"What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises
"
224224,"What's the difference between a watermelon and a baby? One is fun to smash, the other is delicious.
"
154114,"I can't seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don't need their assistance in the bathroom.
"
85356,"What do africans wear on their heads? Ebowla hats
"
63580,"Two Mexicans What do you call two Mexicans in the back of a fire truck? Jose and Hose B
"
5166,"Yo mama's so mean... She's got no standard deviation!
"
204918,"How many Jews does it take to kill Jesus? You can't kill a myth.
"
69268,"How do I know you're not a cop? """"If I was a cop, how would I have this?"""" *shows police badge that just says 'Not a Cop' on it* Oh, okay good
"
183785,"What do cells say when their sister shoots their foot? Mitosis
"
98732,"What do you call something that only 9 or 11 can fix? An untenable situation
"
155494,"School Jokes The mother says to her daughter, """"Did you enjoy your first at school?"""" The daughter answers, """"First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?""""
"
71966,"I want to die in my sleep like my grandad Not screaming and crying like his passengers.
"
171395,"Life is like a toilet paper... You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
"
182039,"There are three flies in the kitchen. Which one is the cowboy? It's the one on the range.
"
88685,"I just had hip replacement surgery It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.
"
13315,"Just realized that I'm finally too fat to do things during summer.
"
197674,"What do you call a gay midget? Sweet and Low
"
196707,"An employee tells his boss... Hey, that's a nice car you have there. The boss looks at him and says: Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer.
"
53553,"The other day I tweeted about a married black woman hitting on me #blackwivesflatter
"
57611,"What's the difference between yogurt and the US? Yogurt's got a culture. (no offence)
"
19346,"Q: What did the blonde say during a porno? A: """"There I am!""""
"
12017,"A """"clear memory"""" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a """"delete cookies"""" button, but for my thighs.
"
149099,"""""are you drunk?"""" - everyone's response when i send a nice text
"
45960,"If Africa had more mosquito nets... ...we'd save millions of mosquitos from dying of Aids each year
"
26775,"The worst mix of diseases? Alzheimer and diarrhea. You run but you don't remember where.
"
219241,"How do you find a black person? Guilty as charged.
"
53642,"My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there's only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
"
194462,"Ellen pao Punchline is in the title whoops
"
220363,"What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.
"
139896,"Some lesbians built a house on my block... It was all tongue-in-groove with no studs.
"
76904,"How do you call black guy that missed his train? Nigga, you racist!
"
145445,"What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid and you don't.
"
208348,"What do you call bovine masturbation? Beef stroganoff!
"
216707,"If A Tree Falls Down In The Woods... But no one is around to hear it. Does a hipster still buy the album?
"
158363,"A man gets a $5 hooker a man gets a hooker for $5 and get crabs. the next day he goes back to her and tells her. she says """" what did you expect for $5, lobster?""""
"
170296,"I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso's Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.
"
61417,"What do you call a gay Eskimo? A snowblower.
"
181582,"The Spanish word of the day is wheelchair. Ex. There's only one donut left, so wheelchair.
"
166319,"Who am I? I mustache you a question but I am shaving it for later.
"
14803,"Caeser ran into his friends Brutus Brutus said """"hey Julius, I heard you raped a Senators wife. What happened?"""".  Caeser replied. """" Vidi Vici Veni!""""
"
174690,"What did the customer say to the barber after looking at a facial hair catalog? I moustache you a question about this style shown here, good sir.
"
213162,"""""Age is just a number."""" """"Yeah? Jail is just a room.""""
"
46427,"My friend's star sign was cancer, so I guess it's quite ironic how he died. He got attacked by a giant crab.
"
69950,"Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?
"
191224,"Did you hear about the writer who brought peace to the Middle East? He had a way with Kurds.
"
80687,"What bird is most likely to inspire a revolution? A pigeon... """"Coup, coup""""
"
113372,"It's 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it's also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
"
78684,"Jimmy Savile was a terrible ventriloquist. He stuck his hand up my arse and told me not to say anything.
"
32767,"How many feminists does it take...... ...to change a light bulb? 0, woman are so unrepresented in technology that this is not possible.
"
218162,"Ms Piggy... http://imgur.com/BtVKY
"
142674,"Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
"
85879,"A beekeeper talks about the dangers of his job. """"Of course you have to be carefull you won't get stabbed by one of those creatures, but that's a part of living in a multicultural society.""""
"
153711,"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina.
"
208370,"Hear about the new book that teaches both reading and STD prevention? It's called See Dick Run.
"
193711,"A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish. It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.
"
178373,"I'd really love to study Philosophy... But I Kant.
"
19304,"My cat rolled on my weed tray and now half my weed is stuck in her fur......Do I smoke my cat?
"
31549,"""""No, don't get up"""" - how I greet people in wheelchairs.
"
215074,"I wondered where my boomerang had gone. Then it came back to me
"
48043,"Lock an astronomer in a basement... and they'll go star craving mad.
"
2585,"Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say """"Ask me again later.""""
"
70875,"What do you call a pre-historical human who wanders around too much? A Meanderthal
"
157418,"I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, """"You sound like you're 4 - it's the grocery store"""".
"
111793,"My husband and I make a good team. I'm about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he's taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
"
31583,"Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
"
121836,"What's the difference between an epileptic farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea? The farmer shucks between fits.
"
170111,"What do you call a bird born in the 90s? A millennial falcon.
"
50902,"There's a man walking a tight rope. 100ft below him there's a man getting a blowjob from an 80 year old woman. What are they both thinking? Don't look down.
"
217919,"Why is sleeping the second most favorite activity of people's lives? Because it follows their first favorite activity, sex.
"
60939,"Did you hear about the gay fisherman who went for a check up They said if he wanted to get better, he had to stop going down on all the docks.
"
156782,"They say that ignorance is bliss But I'm just as happy not knowing!
"
199643,"I thought about buying a pocket calculator and then I thought who care how many pockets I have
"
52601,"The 2016 US Presidential Election That's it. That's the entire fucking joke. Edit: Woke up to hundreds of messages and FP status. Damn. Thanks, folks! And thanks for the gold!
"
184791,"My aquarium is missing quite a few parts #nofilter
"
473,"Why does little sally have a limp? SHE WENT TO JARED!
"
201204,"How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black.
"
204180,"Have you seem the movie """"constipation""""? Of course not, it hasn't come out yet! -Repost from r/funny-
"
74186,"[on a date with a teacher] Me: your eyes are beautiful Her: yours too Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you Her: i don't know CAN YOU
"
30375,"What did the little ghost eat for lunch? A booloney sandwich!
"
12929,"Why aren't the Williams sisters competing against Michael Phelps? Black people can't swim.
"
9012,"I have a friend whose fetish is cashews. He's fucking nuts.
"
225621,"To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
"
227925,"Russian jokes time
"
58161,"If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? the answer isnt congress
"
21830,"Drunk people are so self centred... ... they think the world revolves around them
"
39184,"What do you call unpredictable nudity? Erratica.
"
212130,"A model asked a painter girl """"Why do you always paint me in black and white"""" """"There is no u in color"""" She said
"
32727,"[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses] HER: So what kind of car do you drive? ME: A bookmobile.
"
226833,"Batman opened a restaurant... But he's serving just desserts.
"
20819,"After a shortcut through the ghetto, I see what the hood rats like to drive... Housing prices down.
"
97119,"I heard Sean Connery's great grandpa was hung for lese-majeste. God, shave the Queen.
"
209009,"What do you call a stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want to - it can't here you!
"
45500,"first day at school?"""" Mother: """"Did you enjoy your first day at school?"""" Girl: """"First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
"
8661,"(Sigh) I thought """"The Scarlet Letter"""" was a book about red stationery....
"
130051,"Where does a mathematician go when he gets hurt? L'Hospital.
"
63336,"My girlfriend called me a pedophile I replied """"Shut your mouth you fat cunt""""
"
31890,"I just sighed so hard, I won't have to dust for 6 months.
"
66578,"How to leave someone on the edge of their seat:
"
155884,"I stayed up all night... Trying to remember if I had amnesia or insomnia
"
129299,"My iPhone auto-corrected """"wish you were here"""" to """"wish you were beer"""" and I sent it anyways.
"
198601,"In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me """"what is in cells?"""" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
"
104093,"What is the difference between a drunk driver and a high driver? The drunk driver will blow through a stop sign without even knowing it was there.. The high driver will wait until it turns green
"
229410,"How do know if the person that you have just met is a DJ? They will tell you.
"
46271,"Knock Knock Who's there ... Fuck You
"
103368,"Relationships last longer when everybody doesnt know your business
"
148028,"What's the difference between a man and an octopus? Octopus: eight tentacles, each its own neural structure that offloads work from the brain Human Male: one tentacle which controls brain
"
157545,"If I don't wake up with Britney Spears' body circa """"I'm a Slave 4 U"""" and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa's not real.
"
213176,"How do you know who in the room is a vegetarian? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
"
101159,"Did you hear about the Football player that went to Prison? He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver.
"
90279,"I hired a PR team. They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people. I executed the PR team.
"
62382,"On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
"
18420,"I texted someone """"hell yeah,"""" but autocorrect changed it to """"hell year"""" because even our phones know.
"
32911,"Slaves and snow tires What's the difference between a slaves and snow tires? Snow tires don't sing when you put a chain around them.
"
136455,"Girl are you a prescription from my doctor 'cause you might be good for me but I can't read you at all.
"
220685,"why is being in the mafia and administering cunnilingus similar one slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit
"
63573,"Somebody messed up my small weighing scale. I was like 0MG!
"
103589,"Just realized what I'm putting on my tombstone. If you're reading this, I'm already dead.
"
54133,"Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from """"The Walking Dead.""""
"
58278,"Don't tease fat girls; elephants never forget.
"
130080,"What's another name for a dictator? A penis potato!
"
8039,"Receptionist: So you're here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear
"
68783,"What is a Mexican bodybuilder's favorite supplement? Guey protein.
"
164361,"You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
"
82554,"Hey baby..are you a school? Because I want to shoot kids in you
"
62386,"A guy walks into the doctors office... ...and says I'm having trouble making friends you fucking prick
"
38781,"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care.
"
191910,"My wife asked me to pass her lip balm, instead, I gave her super glue by mistake. She's still not talking to me...
"
42188,"[In cubicle at work] *pretends to start clipping my nails* *tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip* CW: WTF!
"
181674,"A very attractive woman walked into a bar Asked everyone what they wanted to drink, everyone wanted two liquor
"
207010,"My 3-year-old referred to her granola bar as a, """"NOLA bar"""" and now she's wearing Mardi Gras beads and asking me to make jambalaya.
"
201004,"Why do you never see elephants hiding behind trees? Because they are very good at it.
"
58880,"What is a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.
"
1535,"What do you call a gay rubber band? An elasstickle
"
945,"Tea makes everything great,even meth. Cos without T,meth is just meh.
"
17846,"Pretty cool that there's no law saying you can't name your kid Squidward if you want.
"
58547,"Have you guys heard about the scarecrow... Have you guys heard about the scarecrow that got a nobel prize for being outstanding in his field?
"
92302,"All I want is a gummy bear that's the size of a grizzly.
"
129463,"Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat? A: When you are a mouse!
"
15921,"What do you call a gay dinosaur? Stegosoreass.
"
218217,"What's the point of going to somebodys funeral? It's not like they are coming to yours.
"
78204,"This week in Nascar it all comes down to one race... The Caucasians.
"
207459,"I fell into a sewer the other day. It was really shit and draining to get out of.
"
203446,"They say being a hostage is difficult - but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
"
63226,"Trick or treat.. Smell my feet, give me something good to eat. If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear. And that's why I was arrested, Your Honor.
"
192302,"Ladies: If you have ever took any """"Glamour Shots"""", I will assume that you lost your virginity in a Pontiac Firebird.
"
195694,"Yo momma is so fat [deleted]
"
156822,"I was at the beach wondering why frisbees always look bigger the closer they get And then it hit me
"
202024,"What does a spider do when he gets angry ? He goes up the wall !
"
48287,"What is the difference between Christmas music and Kobe Bryant? Christmas music will still be playing next year.
"
34756,"My older sister constantly and incorrectly uses the word """"ironic"""" to describe situations in her life. It's pretty ironic.
"
124214,"What do you call a group of rioters attacking a music store? Luters
"
106623,"which cola brand sources its water from the oceans? PepSi
"
33921,"I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh. after a moment of awkward silence, I said: """"Well I guess you should have been there"""".
"
68336,"What if 85% of Homeless veterans are 2LTs lost on a land navigation course?
"
138761,"What do you call someone who never farts in public? A PRIVATE TUTOR
"
187322,"The table salt tore a ligament. It was an ACL.
"
57864,"This comes from a good place in my heart, homeless people build the best forts I've ever fucking seen.
"
2487,"I would make a joke about Mexicans... ...but that would be crossing the border
"
160108,"Fave bit of the Breaking Bad finale is when Ross is like """"DID SHE GET OFF THE METH?"""" and then Rachel shows up and says """"I got off the meth.""""
"
191256,"What did the bisexual sperm say in the morning? UGH!! I WANTED EGGS BUT THIS TASTES LIKE ASS!!
"
177821,"My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
"
76553,"I'm not saying your cat doesn't care about you, I'm saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well
"
88743,"If I don't mention you, then the tweet/status wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bitch up and wear it.
"
207470,"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
"
44633,"I need to get one of those gadgets for my camera so I can take pictures of myself. I think it's called a narciss-stick.
"
99588,"I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!
"
135691,"Lies I tell at work: ~ I'm sorry I said that ~ I didn't mean to offend you ~ It won't happen again ~ Of course I don't think you're an idiot
"
107647,"A Joke I Thought Up in Stats Why didn't the scientist tell his colleague the t-value of a test with 21 degrees of freedom and a p-value of 5%? It was a t-crit! Thank you and goodnight!
"
188062,"Why does Santa have 0 children? He only comes once a year and its a down a chimney.
"
169811,"My gay friend was up all night studying for his AP tests he was full of AP-ness
"
57733,"If they ever start charging for air... I'll buy a bag of chips, at least it will be a package deal.
"
88094,"Why can't anybody satisfy a woman completely? Question: """"why can't anybody satisfy a woman completely?"""" answer: """"because nobody has a dick made of gold, decorated with diamonds and ejaculates cash""""
"
57133,"-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated. -Well whoever did this must be pretty....crafty. -Go to hell sir.
"
215730,"A Rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar... The bartender said """"You three get the hell out of my bar! I don't want to be part of a joke.""""
"
44768,"The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
"
228006,"Ants Dancing ? Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar? A: The lid said, """"Twist to open.""""
"
10573,"Why won't Derek Zoolander vote for Hillary Clinton? Because he can't turn left.
"
65929,"Your smile must be a black hole, nothing can escape its pull.
"
73444,"What's the best part about being an orphan? All your chips and candy bars are family sized.
"
225423,"I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me.
"
192568,"(Corny)-What do you call a mermaid on a roof? Aerial
"
166759,"What do you call a fish with no eyes? a fisheyes
"
190675,"Paddy goes to court for armed robbery! The jury foreman comes out and announced """"Not Guilty"""" """"That's Grand"""", shouted Paddy! """"Does that mean I can keep the money?""""
"
122873,"Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill Let's Imax and climax
"
57425,"What do you call a group of animals who decides to kill themselves? Mass zooicide.
"
197964,"What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture....
"
36687,"I used to be addicted to soap... but now I'm clean.
"
131449,"What do you call a droid that always takes the longest route? R2 Detour.
"
132090,"A Higgs boson walks into a church, """"We don't allow Higgs bosons in here!"""" shouts the priest. """"But without me, how can you have mass?"""" asks the particle.
"
169088,"Why did the composer spend all his time in  bed? He wrote sheet music.
"
220115,"What does a retired Olympic sprinter have in common with Bernie Sanders? He quit running.
"
146055,"I'd let Jesus take the wheel but... I don't know how to speak spanish.
"
40866,"*handshake* wow, soft hands! u must've never worked a day in ur life [coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] """"u dont know me.""""
"
179348,"My GPA.. My GPA is the square root of -16. An imaginary 4.0
"
11332,"Sometimes when I'm alone in my room I squat down, grab hold of my ankles and lean forward. Coz that's how I roll.
"
14520,"I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
"
112481,"What was the last thing that the homeless man heard before becoming a giant? Go big or go home
"
123261,"How many dwarfs does take to change a light bulb? It can vary, but It's quite hilarious to watch.
"
201887,"My girlfriend told me she is sick of me quoting movies all the time I said quite frankly my dear I don't give a damn
"
791,"What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky
"
154721,"A guy came to my bar the other day and told me """"hey man I don't have much money, can you just give me your cheapest shot?"""" . . I said """"Yeah, your ugly and your mom dresses you funny"""".
"
157996,"4/20. Always forget.
"
218628,"What do Apple and The Titanic have in common? They both lost the Jack.
"
155022,"Christmas jokes needed I am about to MC a high school Christmas staff talent show and need your best Christmas or holiday jokes. This is happening in two hours.
"
95685,"What do you call a work out routine done by a sexy robot? An erector set. I'll see myself out.
"
228256,"You going to eat those sausages? - What? The encased meats. Do you want them? - Those are my fingers. Oh, no thanks, I'm not there yet.
"
22764,"I've decided not to have children The kids are devastated.
"
25245,"What do you call a cat in love? Romeow
"
83448,"What a common problem with r/jokes and FedEx? Delivery
"
34423,"The Farmer's New Cock A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes to Reddit and steals someone else's joke.
"
149353,"Bought my dad a pair of Crocs for his birthday, then pushed him down a flight of stairs for looking stupid in them.
"
153475,"UK: Hey u ok USA: What UK: I saw what happened USA: Im fine, nothing happened Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can't stay over
"
64824,"You know there are some trained minds that can tell a lot about a person just by looking at them. I like to call said minds 'Presumptious, judgemental Assholes.'
"
25059,"You deplete me
"
180287,"What does a German soccer player call his cleats? Das Boots
"
183522,"I love doing laundry... It's the only time you can separate the whites from the coloreds and no one gets offended.
"
131236,"I saw a Nun with her clothes inside-out today... I asked her about it, and she said it was *a bad habit of hers*
"
208155,"As a Lesbian... I like my men like I like my coffee- nowhere near my vagina.
"
98633,"Teacher: Fred I'm glad to see your writing  has improved. Pupil: Thank you Teacher: Now I can see how bad your spelling is though !
"
19252,"Break ups are the worst in China... You see her face everywhere.
"
129270,"How many animals are in a pair of pantyhose? Well there is 10 little piggies, 2 calves, an ass, a pussy and a dead fish, no one can find.
"
93190,"Can somebody explain to me the uproar over the CEO editing posts? I mean... what part of Chief Editing Officer don't these people understand?
"
211796,"I thought about doing stand up comedy, then I sat back down again.
"
67030,"What kinds of jokes do cats play on each other? Purranks.
"
41107,"*police sirens* *Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume* """"HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN"""" *throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
"
148265,"What do you call a lazy Italian at the gym? ...Mussolini
"
72405,"Tried to go for anal with my gf without talking about it She says, """"that's a dick move""""
"
29259,"What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre
"
92221,"Cyclists who don't obey the rules of the road should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.
"
145947,"Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You're annoying enough as it is
"
111382,"[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
"
63556,"Arrghh! I'm so bummed! I finally got laid off
"
223425,"I'm behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I'll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
"
175479,"Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jagermeister & I didn't spill a drop. Him: Well, how'd you do that? Me: I kept my mouth shut..
"
121277,"What's the difference between a corn husker with epilepsy and a prostitute with dysentery? One shucks between fits.
"
96645,"Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles! Me: Which ones? Wife: BLTOUR & E Me: Well, that could spell trouble
"
102312,"My new record in a 100 m sprint Is 52 meters.
"
164136,"Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it was stuck in a crack.
"
194678,"Why are families only allowed 1 child in China? The government is opposed to euthanasia.
"
209683,"Father in law just made an accidental calculus joke By the time I got to calculus in math, I realized I had reached my limit.
"
131470,"""""Who's got two thumbs and finds this joke funny?"""" """"Not this guy!"""" -Thumb amputee victim
"
80403,"How many confederate flag bearing husbands does it take to beat up their wives? None, she fell down the stairs.
"
117011,"What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower !
"
175083,"Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better. - What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
"
214729,"Chris Christie is so fat, he plans on walking for president.
"
118809,"Did you hear about the honeydew and pineapple who tried getting married? The court said they *cant-eloupe*
"
173491,"Why do black people have white palms? Because everyone has a little bit of good in them.
"
180445,"Whats the difference between congress and parliament? Ones filled with a bunch of baboons and the other just doesn't give a hoot during the day.
"
157122,"I want to start a Precedents Day, but it's tough because there's never been one before.
"
222977,"I'm not the girl your mom warned you about, her imagination was never this good.
"
19826,"If anyone finds 786 barely used tubes of Chapstick around my city, they're mine. I need them all back.
"
197228,"Pakistan army will never try to win the war against India, someone told them winner has to speak English on live television.
"
229470,"What Do You Call A Dog With Wings? Linda McCartney
"
217197,"When I was younger, I thought I had a Chinese friend. But it was just my imaginasian.
"
43978,"My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess So I put her into the back of a Mercedes and drove her into a wall.
"
57278,"My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the 'Silver Table Cat' wasn't a real species, and that we didn't own a pet, we owned a toaster
"
114013,"How does Super Mario contact the dead? He uses a Luigi board.
"
182650,"What's the most difficult instrument for a percussionist to play? a conundrum
"
104013,"I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It's like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.
"
90737,"If a green man lives in a green house... And a purple man lives in a purple house, And a orange man lives in an orange house, Who lives in a white house? A black man.
"
223857,"I treat my women like I treat my cereal Spoon first to get it wet, then eat it. P.S. I love fat chicks.
"
40753,"Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
"
179253,"Where does a hillbilly go to learn about his family's history? ~~Ancestry.com~~ Incestry.com
"
76530,"A blonde walks into a bar... Ouch.
"
111802,"Why do I only ran through campsites? Because it's past tents
"
194050,"What's a pirate's favorite letter? Aye yee think it be arrrrr, but it be the seaa
"
67685,"what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
"
121648,"My girlfriend wanted to have sex in the back seat of my car And she wanted me to drive.
"
52983,"[NSFW] What's a 6.9? Another good thing spoiled by a tampon.
"
164001,"What do you call a train full of Jews? Doesn't matter they're not coming back.
"
109366,"Why is New Jersey called the Garden State? Cause you're always guardin' your wallet, guardin' your car, and guardin' your house.
"
8648,"So a man goes to work... Memed XD im a grill btw so upboat plz.
"
25519,"Because of my thyroid condition, my parents made me join a support group as a kid. This one time, at gland camp...
"
171654,"What is worse than blacking out after a crazy night and losing money? Blacking out and gaining money.
"
145923,"What do you tell a Jew with a tattoo? Nothing, you already told his grandparents 6 million times
"
48894,"I hate all these posts They're so last year
"
66345,"What do you call a fish with three eyes? fiiish. (works when spoken :-/)
"
129176,"I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
"
49488,"A pirate walks into a bar.... with a ship's wheel in his pants. The bartender asks him, """"Doesn't that hurt?"""" The pirate replies, """"Arr! It's drivin' me nuts!""""
"
118812,"A psychiatrist diagnosed me with kleptomania. Now I'm taking things for it.
"
189628,"My wife said in the morning """"You are an idiot""""... while combing her hair in front of the mirror when I walked by.
"
157425,"People keep mixing up my jokes and my sex They groan at my jokes, and they laugh at my sex.
"
32651,"*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let's get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
"
121712,"My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
"
218276,"What did the egg say to the boiling water? I may take a while to get hard, I just got laid.
"
57695,"My Glee Club is just a baseball bat that I use to hit happy people over the head with.
"
10343,"Happy Birthday Tupac! He would've been 72 today if Dick Cheney hadn't shot him in his face.
"
92609,"Why was the physicist being so careful not to insult his colleague's choice of generalized coordinates and momentum? He was just minding his Ps and Qs.
"
175215,"There are two types of people in this world: Those who always lose their train of thought
"
186856,"What's a pirates favorite thing to eat? The booty.
"
83060,"Wait, you've got 99 bottles of beer on the wall? A. You should be refrigerating those, not putting them on a wall. B. You are an alcoholic.
"
143904,"[mall food court] Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
"
169739,"[100 year old man on job interview] """"Do you have any references?"""" Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
"
203847,"The three rules about procrastination. 1. 2.
"
228979,"Have you heard about that new movie 'Constipation'? It hasn't come out yet.
"
111123,"If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones
"
222573,"What's long, hard, and has cum in the middle of it? A cucumber.
"
115619,"""""Report Spam"""" is the elevator close door button of Twitter.
"
229948,"Roses are red. My name is not Dave. This poem makes no sense. Microwave.
"
22064,"Horrible funny joke What do you call an alligator in a vest....? An Invest-agator
"
206130,"As an introvert, I love my wife. *wifi
"
108913,"My """"friend"""" Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, """"Adam.""""
"
2054,"I thought I really understood what I was thinking, and then I spoke.
"
81686,"Kanye tryin to get a parrot to talk, says to him: Polly want a cracker? Parrot look at Kanye, say Nigger want a watermelon?
"
231142,"I just flew in from Chernobyl And boy are my arms legs.
"
43724,"Did you hear the one about Make-A-Wish foundation giving concert tickets to the little deaf boy? Neither did he.
"
162905,"It started snowing so everyone ran over to the window to see. I went and banged their heads against the window. Most fun I've had all day.
"
81364,"I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
"
129785,"[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store] Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
"
183395,"I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
"
27689,"How do you sink a Polish battleship? Put it in water
"
86205,"Albert Einstein was a genius... But his brother Frank was a monster.
"
30956,"Party Tip: At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
"
126989,"Vladimir Putin was recently late to a meeting He was really Russian
"
94063,"Why don't your balls like being chomped on? It makes them a bit teste.
"
28917,"I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
"
59268,"Lame joke: """"What do you get when you combine a vampire and a snowman?"""" Frostbite.
"
177320,"What do you call Will Smith's crying daughter? A weeping Willow.
"
123502,"I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
"
63534,"What do you call a fake Irish diamond? A shamrock.
"
44770,"Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it's half empty? Me: cause you're a pessimist!
"
81406,"Anti Jokes How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb? To get to the other side!
"
207389,"7: """"Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?"""" Me: """"Are you the someone?"""" 7: """"Maybe"""" Holy hell.
"
212778,"What happens when you combine an alpha particle and a beta particle? They become alpha-beta-cle
"
112473,"Chuck Norris doesn't get hangovers. He just gets pissed.
"
70565,"Two condoms are walking down the street... The first one sees a Gay bar, turns to his friend, and says 'Hey, want to go in and get shit faced?'
"
27799,"My friend and I have a pact that if we're not married by age 40, we're going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
"
98962,"My DNA results came back and apparently I'm .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I've ever had. About anything.
"
156946,"What happens when an elephant sits on a car? It breaks the trunk.
"
158893,"I wanted to make up a poem about the night we fell in love, but I couldn't think of anything that rhymed with inebriated.
"
160622,"I don't get why lesbians are called dykes. People keep explaining to me, but the idea just doesn't hold water.
"
188825,"What kind of dog can you milk? A titbull.
"
189589,"Dog Jokes I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him.
"
161048,"Zombies never bite hipsters. They taste fine. We just don't want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
"
208951,"Why do some people like to date pessimists? All that salt must make them thirsty.
"
54500,"Where do Zika babies come from? A guy trying to get a little head.
"
94843,"What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a bald eagle A life time ban from the zoo and a felony...apparently
"
15372,"A man was arrested for having sex with a virgin He was charged with breaking and entering.
"
153425,"How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
"
82932,"I just want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa... Not like the passengers in his car who were screaming quite loudly.
"
198238,"DOING NF NOW! ign OpticVpredz [x1] [xboxone]
"
68944,"What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
"
200512,"did you hear about the gay, cannibal pirate? apparently, he loved the taste of seamen.
"
175034,"What is a better name for cows? Lawn mooers! My 12 year old sister made this up... She out dad joked me..and I'm a dad!
"
2393,"Why are lumberjacks bad at online video games? Because their connections are so weak they are always logging out.
"
206290,"I just used """"volumizing"""" shampoo for the first time.... Everything sounds the same.
"
150994,"""""I'm gonna cramp your style."""" - Menstruation
"
225042,"Did you see the fantastic four? Human torch played by uncle ruckus.
"
130408,"My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2. Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
"
165616,"What did one loaf of bread say to the other? Weirdo.
"
86557,"My woman's always trying to give me stuff she gets from work. I tell her I've already got herpes.
"
227768,"The second rule of tautology club... is that the first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club.
"
35272,"Why do mexicans only cross the border in pairs? Because the sign reads no """"tres""""passing.
"
52054,"""""RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"""" """"Kraken's not here."""" """"What? Ugh! What can we release?"""" """"Gary's here."""" """"Gary?! Dammit! Fine... RELEASE THE GARY!""""
"
195983,"ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
"
186239,"sure you can PAY for a professional photographer, OR you can just lie spread out in a field until 1 finds u and just starts taking pictures
"
104815,"Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
"
44155,"What's musical and useful at the grocery store? A Chopin Liszt Note: taken from one of those horrible """"Joke of the Day"""" desk calendars. It took almost 12 months to get something clever.
"
12046,"What's the difference between a pizza and a baby I won't rape the pizza before I put it in the oven
"
126168,"The court has decided you guilty of clickbait and has sentenced you to death by the electric chair... ... What happens next will shock you
"
171866,"Restaurant A friend said she heard there's a wonderful restaurant on the moon, but nobody goes there because there's no atmosphere...
"
217023,"ME: genie, i wish i was dead GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left ME: i dont think u understood
"
21573,"Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires.
"
201102,"weekend plans: -solitude -cheese
"
215441,"Want to hear a joke about vaginas? Actually nevermind, you'll probably never get it
"
102426,"Instead of a wallet, I always keep my money in an envelope that says """"For the orphans"""" so people will feel terrible if I'm ever murdered.
"
116143,"With four days left until the end of the world... I should really try to get better at subtraction.
"
167926,"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag? One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with... And the other carries groceries.
"
161514,"What do hand grenades and wives have in common? Remove the ring and your house is gone.
"
57947,"INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if... wat if water was mor like sandwich
"
70505,"I was devastated to find my first love in bed with my own father. """"We've been through this,"""" said Mom.
"
81552,"What's harder than rocket science? My dick.
"
115908,"What blood type are most grammar Nazis have? A Type O
"
62122,"I have a really good relatipnship with the elevator operator. We speak to eachother on so many different levels.
"
219344,"Playing as japan in a ww2 game You know I never really liked Japanese weaponry... there just not my type
"
17159,"Some girl just caught me staring at her crotch so I gave her two thumbs up. She only deserved one, but it's the holidays and shit.
"
90280,"I went to the Reddit hotel The host wasn't responding.
"
108042,"What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil? Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.
"
90946,"Women belong in the House ...and the Senate
"
96750,"The punchline Did I ruin this joke?
"
120677,"What is a crossbreed between an elephant and a rhinoceros called? I don't know, but it isn't *relevant*!
"
132104,"Kids are so inquisitive. """"Will robots ever take over the world?"""" Me: """"Almost certainly."""" """"But when? Before I die?"""" """"A bit before, yes.""""
"
191819,"What's black and white and red all over? Police brutality.
"
163919,"The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don't have garden hoses.
"
62931,"Which country has the loosest regulations on incest? Oh shit, this isn't Google.
"
156504,"My dog barks for 2 reasons: 1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking. 2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
"
140823,"Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.
"
148047,"All my potato stored... in /r/LatviaPotatoStore.
"
85064,"did you hear about the gipsy that had a glass baby married a fortune teller with a crystal ball.
"
87183,"What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color? GINGER.
"
179597,"Printing... Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
"
38114,"Stop correcting my vodkabulary
"
109707,"Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I'm drunk?
"
108261,"What type of government rules the butterflies? A monarchy
"
3480,"What do multiculturalism and the movie Jaws have in common? They both made Americans despise great whites!
"
223239,"Two nuts were walking down a street... One was assaulted
"
135274,"Q: How did bulldogs get such flat noses? - A: From chasing cars.
"
130004,"It's going to be easy for Trump to build that wall... ... everyone's shitting bricks everywhere
"
156355,"How very is a very good dinosaur? Very. (Thought of this idk if it was good)
"
73676,"What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor!!
"
161925,"Fallout 4 doesnt come out in japan till december 17th.. Which is fair, because they got the original fallout about 60 years before us.
"
197025,"I cant English good? I prefer to speaking to writing on paper so that my grammar isn't as tearable.
"
96325,"LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors' noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
"
146762,"I think my wife is overdoing her lent observance. She won't even toss my salad.
"
12161,"[airplane intercom] good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
"
197095,"What's the difference between a seal and sea lion? One electron
"
126568,"I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for sex I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.
"
67005,"I'm still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant's bathroom... I hope everything is ok.
"
50769,"What do you call a smoking hooker? A hookar.
"
90999,"Confucius say: go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger.
"
28790,"The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting Then it brought me down
"
112017,"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
"
21563,"What STD did Forrest Gump catch? NSFW Jennytal Warts
"
46042,"[GRAND CANYON] WIFE: Isn't this incredible? ME: It's ok. WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons? ME: I don't want to talk about it
"
26683,"What do you get when you cross an ape and a black person?? A really stupid ape
"
185645,"My head says """"go to the gym"""" but my heart says, """"stay on the internet forever and eat!""""
"
28261,"Two Sikhs are fighting with each other on the street... """"I WILL A KILL YOU!"""" One says blatantly. """"AND THEN?"""" The other bellows while widening his eyes.
"
34569,"What does a Spanish dog say at the marina? Bark-o.
"
164882,"I wrote a poem about communism for my English class I had to share it with everyone
"
189647,"""""As seen on tv"""": Get two pieces of crap that don't work for the price of one.
"
47495,"It's not nice to make fun of the obese... ...They have enough on their plate.
"
19362,"Girl called me the other day and said: 'Come on over, nobody's home' I went over, nobody was home.
"
200218,"I just hit a Smart car and now it's my hood ornament.
"
167177,"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One! But the light bulb has to WANT to change.
"
157586,"Damn girl, are you misplaced silverware? Because why aren't you in the kitchen?
"
130135,"A man is at the gates of hell. Satan: Your card please, so you may enter. Man: *swipes card* Satan: It's a chip.
"
38705,"What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your whole week.
"
111607,"Why did the Polak cross the road? He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
"
43948,"What does an excited karate pupil say to his friend when greeting him? HIYAH!
"
92518,"What does an army of fire ants have in common with a horny dolphin? Both come in waves.
"
213571,"Why don't Blacks and Mexicans have babies? Their kids would be too lazy to steal.
"
106986,"I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched that way.
"
200526,"Roses are red violets are blue Roses are red and Violets are blue Sugar is sweet and so are you But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead The sugar bowls empty and so is your head
"
174971,"Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent Is a driver's Ed instructor
"
166769,"I recently saw a Broadway production about the origin of language It was just a play on words
"
124931,"When People Tell Me to Get a Life I take theirs.
"
8114,"I do my women like I do my homework I don't
"
160911,"I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.
"
154097,"It's never easy to look at someone and tell them 'That thing we both felt, that thing you saw inside of me, it just isn't there anymore'... Especially when its your obstetrician!
"
145870,"Knock Knock! Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the pool please, I'm dwaoning!
"
35375,"What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. J.K. Rolling
"
164874,"""""you look nice"""" - sweet potato """"im so high"""" - baked potato """"you suck!"""" - roast potato """"what have I done"""" - guy who made talking potatoes
"
49783,"Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You're happy until shit explodes in your face.
"
44455,"I started a club for guys with erectile dysfunction We're trying to get our membership up
"
60104,"[1st day as undercover cop] *approaches drugdealer* Me: """"Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!"""" *gets stabbed*
"
44797,"I don't condone workplace violence, until someone microwaves fish in the break room.
"
227432,"What do you find between Godzilla's toes? Slow runners.
"
146056,"It's true what they say: No news is Fox news.
"
18444,"If Gravemind from Halo did product placement... We exist / Together now Two corpses / In one grave Burma-Shave
"
22782,"I posted a joke about a coffin before on reddit It got buried
"
156088,"The nice thing of living in a small village is that when you don't know what you're doing someone else does.
"
171000,"Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting? Biden: Young Metro. Obama: Why did you call- Biden: Shhh. I got this.
"
66842,"10 ways to stop Procrastinating 1.
"
25963,"Why was the man allergic to Christmas? Because it's the reason for the sneason.
"
219195,"Been coughing all day. Can't seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
"
37486,"To Do List : 1: Buy 4 Pigs 2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 & 5 on their backs 3: Release them in Wal-Mart 4: Sit back watch Security search for #4
"
161877,"A man was undressing for the nurse behind a curtain He asks, """"Where do you want me to put my clothes?"""" She says, """"On top of mine.""""
"
15152,"Hey! It's Cyber Monday... a/s/l?
"
205698,"I hate going to 3rd period Chemistry It's such a Bohr.
"
33429,"I can't believe Lou Gehrig's parents named him after a DISEASE
"
138684,"What's small and green and smells like pork? Kermit's Finger.
"
231117,"How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it.
"
211853,"Ebay is challenging to use . . . (x-post from F7U14) I searched for lighters, and I got 72,816 matches!
"
157990,"How are women and computers the same? Neither take your 3.5 inch floppy anymore.. unless you pay extra.
"
65754,"Did you hear about Ken M.? He was a master baiter, but they told him to beat it.
"
135169,"Just once, I'd like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
"
31041,"What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 50 pounds.
"
47208,"Did you hear about the depressed lactose-intolerant woman? She committed soya-cide.
"
224723,"I told my therapist that I was hearing voices. He told me I didn't have a therapist.
"
182403,"Moses How does Moses make his coffee? He brews it.
"
152357,"What do you call a country where everyone is pissed? A urination.
"
41244,"Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
"
132728,"What do Cooperstown and Woodstock have in common? Cooperstown is where Baseball wasn't invented and Woodstock is where the festival didn't happen.
"
86060,"A man didn't like his haircut But it started to grow on him
"
101643,"My ex girlfriend broke up with me because I quoted Linkin Park too much. But in the end it doesn't even matter.
"
208491,"Why is the ocean salty? Because the land never waves back.
"
85893,"Am I original? -Yeaaah. Am I the only one? -Yeaaah. Do you wanna build a snowman? -Go away, Anna. Ok byyyyye.
"
185401,"May god bless German engineering, Italian cooking, and English humor. And may god damn Italian engineering, English cooking, and German humor.
"
48581,"Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
"
120508,"Just thought I'd let you know that I'm a chronic kleptomaniac... but don't worry, I'm taking something for it.
"
96429,"Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
"
204874,"What do you call a hard working man from whose chauffeur is from seoul? Korea driven.
"
88493,"Who is the most hated actor in Saudi Arabia? Shia Labeouf
"
102016,"I hate it when my girlfriend tells me she's about to come I have shitty cellphone reception.
"
204459,"Tom Brady walks into a grocery store. He buys a bag of chips, equaling up to $1.75. How much does he give the cashier? 2 dollars, so he gets a quarter back.
"
77871,"What did Gandalf say when he tried to shut down Auschwitz? """"You shall not gas!""""
"
37244,"Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
"
8279,"I've just found a Christmas present for my daughter in the loft. I'll take it up to her later.
"
67740,"Shirley Temple, a wonderful example that making sex tapes, twerking, and going to re-hab are NOT necessary to make it in Hollywood. Classy is ALWAYS in style. RIP Little Princess.
"
212142,"Teacher: """"Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"""" Student: """"A heart attack.""""
"
103502,"What did the fry cook do when he found out he was cooking burger patties made of feces? He flipped a shit.
"
115807,"What did the egg say to the boiling water? """"It's going to take me awhile to get hard. I just got laid by a chick.""""
"
117704,"""""It's a competition, I didn't come here to make friends."""" -- Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season's """"Friendmakers"""".
"
133949,"What do you call a really bad driver in France? A woman.
"
65594,"I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking, I can turn water into Sprite.
"
10423,"Before taking viagra, ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex. Riiight.
"
141580,"Whenever someone says """"let's get weird"""" my first thought is """"I'm already there""""
"
37726,"Son: Will you please just try to act normal today? Me: You're going to have to be more specific.
"
56063,"A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing except for saran wrap... The psychiatrist looks at the man and says, """"Well... I can clearly see you're nuts.""""
"
146501,"They're just making up new weather with this 'thunder snow' shit. Next we'll have 'earthquake rain' or 'sunny darkness' or some shit.
"
54051,"""""Sure it's a dental PRACTICE, but dont fret, I know what I'm doing. Open wide."""" *opens wide* """"Ok which ones are the teeths? Where are teeth""""
"
161970,"I'm worried I won't pass my stress test
"
118755,"How do the ladies get Batman to come? Ask Lt. Gordon to turn on the bat-signal. Get your mind out of the gutter.
"
224270,"Why can't women enjoy porn as much as men? They can tell when the girls are faking it. (This joke best after a few drinks)
"
47490,"What do you call a criminal that cant see? A macular degenerate.
"
2931,"Steven Hawking walks into a bar... Just kidding.
"
16421,"Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
"
163108,"How to make pasta: -Boil water. -Put what you think couldn't possibly be too much pasta in the pot. -Wrong. -Start an Italian restaurant.
"
226131,"My wife and I have lists for people we'd make exceptions for... I have one for midgets but it's a small list.
"
15932,"Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
"
91156,"PREGNANCY TEST! Girl: Dad, what's better? to pass or to fail? Dad: To pass obviously Girl: OH GOOD, YOU'LL BE PROUD OF ME! I PASSED MY PREGNANCY TEST!
"
187117,"When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
"
82940,"Never marry a drummer... they beat things for a living.
"
85463,"Why doesn't Jesus play volleyball? All those spikes hurt his hands
"
126282,"What gets bigger every time I see my wife? My wife.
"
165449,"I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
"
228682,"In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I'm not his wife.We broke it off...Single again
"
181888,"tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead
"
73286,"Baby, let's stay up all night and watch people Instagram the sunrise.
"
199237,"My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
"
99716,"What do you call the yellow ones? -Yellow labs. And the black ones? -Black labs. So the brown ones are- -No we named those after dog poison.
"
213994,"I picked up a tub of ice cream and a tub of light ice cream They weighed the same.
"
50343,"When are we going to change """"til death do us part"""" to """"for the next five years"""" ?
"
202649,"Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
"
118339,"my new year resolution is 1080p thanks please make this go viral so my ex gf stephanie sees it steph if ur reading this please take me back
"
113371,"I never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking.
"
91553,"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the """"P"""" is silent
"
158033,"You guys are even more beautiful now that I'm wearing my """"wine glasses"""".
"
162719,"*newspaper headline* BIDEN'S EMAIL HACKED -'it was easy' the hackers said 'his password was 'password'
"
108690,"When going camping you can never run You have to ran, because it will always be past tents.
"
225354,"I can't wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
"
193188,"You gotta wet it first, doesn't work dry. The wetter the better. -whistling you perverts
"
95504,"if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat
"
153774,"/r/jokes is like a beginner's fencing class. Lots of unwanted riposte.
"
8757,"What happened to the native man that drank 23 cups of tea? He went home and drowned in his tea pee.
"
25289,"A book just fell on my head.. and I've only got myshelf to blame.
"
59695,"[emergency] [super hero appears] GUY: It's Doesn't-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you! HERO: I...I don't know
"
23804,"Black Jesus. Went to jail for you
"
88539,"*sees a racoon in the neighbor's trash* I won't say anything if you don't. *continues rummaging*
"
14059,"HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
"
99613,"I just killed 84 birds with 1 stone at Petsmart, totally destroying the previous record of 2.
"
106296,"How did the orphans in Oliver Twist communicate with each other? Through *more*se code!
"
90402,"I hate when I'm checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
"
117852,"Still waiting for the FedEx joke? OP didn't deliver.
"
96453,"All the letters of the alphabet line up in front of a prostitute A says, """"Alpha queue"""".
"
230639,"Hey General Motors, what about an electronic drum set on the steering wheel? You're welcome.
"
5502,"What's the worst part about being black and jewish? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
"
42557,"So I asked /r/AskScience a question... My post is not yet visible on the forum and is awaiting review from the moderator team.
"
106052,"BBQ joint offers the """"Betty Ford Special"""" Half a rack with extra sauce
"
36960,"You know, you don't realise what you've got until you don't have it. I just ran out of toilet paper ...
"
22235,"I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
"
99103,"Other girls think they are quirky because they pet dogs at parties. I on the other hand, fear death but also long for it
"
162072,"What did the pineapple say to the coconut? Pina Colada!
"
180833,"Paddy's firework party was a complete disaster. """"I don't understand it!"""" He said. """"They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday,""""
"
115028,"Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like.
"
183310,"If orange is the new black? then Donald Trump is black
"
101801,"Are you an infidel? 'Cause i beheaden' your way.
"
134671,"was about to ask this girl on a date until i saw her click firefox instead of chrome
"
85159,"How to pick up a woman at Walmart. Very slowly and team lift with your legs.
"
74947,"The Minnesota Twins have just signed Adrian Peterson to a 3 year deal. More details to come. All we know is Adrian will be a switch hitter.
"
75800,"What happened to the ice cube? It came straight outta Compton's glass.
"
31350,"Sex is like a box if chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
"
63183,"What did the computer say to the pirate? Want to date hot Russians!
"
99573,"If I had a dollar every time Trump said something stupid. I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
"
76889,"whats a feminist least favorite football team? MANchester united
"
76893,"So a skinhead walks into a Jewish bakery... A skinhead walking into a Jewish bakery and asks, """"How much does the challah cost?""""
"
227106,"I have a gardening tool that I use to dig up large amounts of treasure So yeah, I got a big booty hoe
"
156230,"What do you call a dirty Chinese crab? A crusty asian
"
147505,"Guys, I'm getting a little offended by these racist jokes. I had a black friend. . . ... Until my dad sold him.
"
182298,"Turned on TV and heard people talking about grinding, pumping & hole filling. Sadly, it was just CNN.
"
9567,"Sharks don't sleep so I'm pretending I'm a shark except one that sings along with Lady Gaga. I'm Lady Sharkshark! Anyway, totally drunk.
"
92395,"It takes many nails to build a crib... ...but only one screw to fill it.
"
138051,"I don't like it when my phone puts a word in """"quotals"""" like I made it up or I'm stupid or something.
"
16892,"When I die I'm going to donate my body to science. That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.
"
217476,"""""Babe I'm ready for bed"""" """"Why so early its the weekend?"""" [background] """"Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison's local business men""""
"
202312,"I asked my North Korean friend how life was there He said he couldn't complain.
"
191430,"So now i hear donald trump wants to put auto gun turrets on his wall I say, do the coastlines too. Keep out those merpeople!
"
210967,"I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There's a lovely key change at the end.
"
13838,"Things that have occurred in history since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series... I had an ice cream cone. That I dripped all over myself.
"
97241,"What is the syndrome that endangers the dental well-being of over-anxious or stressed-out LGBT's? brucism
"
160056,"Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live
"
72018,"I tripped over my girlfriends bra.... I guess she planted a boobie trap.
"
133501,"""""Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.""""
"
102349,"I was walking through a cemetery, and I saw a guy crouched behind a gravestone, so I said """"morning"""", to which he replied """"no just taking a shit"""".
"
128278,"Rejected names for lumberjacks: -Woodroberts -Treedaves -Logjeffs -Forestbills -Timberjims
"
179343,"Cop: Lemme see your papers Me: Okay Cop: These are rolling papers Me: Would you look at that Cop: Sir are you high? Me: What are you, a cop?
"
55011,"TIL that the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has it's own version of the devil . . . You will know this fake Flying Spaghetti Monster by his name, for he is known as the Im-Pasta.
"
146338,"What is the most awesomely amazing word in the English language? Anticlimactic
"
16154,"Ladies and gentlemen, my browsing history... [deleted]
"
217348,"How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know. I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one :(
"
71200,"Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? His wife is dead.
"
79506,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Brent ! Brent who ? Brent out of shape !
"
132162,"Commissioner: we'll need to stay in touch Batman: ok Commissioner: this stealth communication device will- Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
"
225503,"What my Doctor said... """"Sugar kills more people than Cocaine"""" What I heard... """"The next time you're craving Cake...Do some blow instead""""
"
110929,"""""Should I add more liquor?"""" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked.
"
27882,"why do giraffes have long necks? because they have smelly feet!!
"
18397,"Wanna hear a joke about my cawk? never mind its too long
"
177444,"What's white on the outside and black on the inside? An American police officer.
"
38301,"My wife went to the West Indies for her holidays. Jamaica? No, she wanted to go.
"
56343,"Blow job vs. Mount Everest What does getting a blow job from a 70 year old woman and jumping down from Mount Everest have in common? You don't dare to look down, but you feel the rush.
"
32489,"Greece is a good example of capital punishment.
"
138154,"14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added """"not in your pajamas"""" so I'm wearing hers because good moms listen
"
188978,"Why should you never take a shower with a pokemon? Because it may Pikachu.
"
29045,"What's worse than having ants in your pants? Uncles.
"
144161,"Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
"
120805,"I've never understood people who don't drink because it's """"bad for you"""" Honestly, I think they should lighten up and liver little.
"
146924,"Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it. That's because elephants never forget.
"
8325,"Sometimes I wonder if I need to spell it out to people.. But then I realised I typed it, so I already did spell it out.
"
211163,"Did you know that you could also use comments sections to write positive things about people?
"
132858,"What is a skeletons favorite tool? A bonesaw
"
137447,"I organized a threesome last night! There were 2 no-shows, but I still had a good time.
"
122373,"Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, """"It doesn't matter where  you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home"""".
"
12257,"He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
"
122603,"I would make a fitness joke But it just wouldn't work out..
"
132743,"There will be only 7 planets left After I destroy Uranus
"
136333,"How many ears does Spock have? Three, a left ear, right ear, and a Final Frontier.
"
195002,"Pretty cool you had a healthy meal while I was eating the icing off an entire cake.
"
106635,"What's two holes in a hole ? My nose up your ass.
"
150368,"Ugh, I just finished eating at a restuarant, and some patronizing waitress kept asking if I wanted another shaker! It was so insalting!
"
115519,"[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting] """"we need to tell users when their inbox is full"""" how do we do that? """"we send them another email"""" nice
"
189548,"Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get the Chinese Newspaper. Do you get it? . . . . . . . Me neither, I get the New York Times
"
61005,"I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.
"
168659,"Piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook.
"
123611,"Remember: It's not stalking if you don't see me.
"
213464,"Did you hear about the competition between Volvo and the other Swedish car manufacturer? It's all just a Saab story, really.
"
41064,"What does a mole think, when he digs trough lower Austria? Make way, children.
"
131377,"*boss walks in Me: I lost my contact Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk? Me: Boss: Me: Shut the door when you leave
"
82182,"Jews are lazy... ... essentially a group of people who couldn't be bothered to read the sequel. -Will Bailey (Cambridge footlights)
"
220764,"What do you call a pirate cartoon? An animatee!
"
89995,"Why did the Crip cross the road? Cuz.
"
146664,"Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stpehen hawking after a house fire.
"
21262,"I found a new passion yesterday pairing socks. I guess I just enjoy bringing sole mates together.
"
79643,"Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to  change a lightbulb? A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
"
185352,"What is green, fuzzy, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree A pool table
"
71370,"Thank Satan it's Monday.
"
166424,"I'm a psychiatrist studying the relationship between humans and dogs in beastiality You can find me in my lab
"
132334,"[Walks up to stranger] Me: """"Excuse me, would you take my picture?"""" Him: """"Sure."""" Me: """"Great!"""" [I hand him a beautiful 5x7 portrait of me]
"
128164,"I feel as though common sense should be referred to as the sense formerly known as common.
"
103826,"Why are lilypads round? So that it's easier for the hippos to jump on them.
"
62383,"Why does repost always get to the top?... Most people reddit before
"
69163,"So I'm going down on this homeless woman. And then she wakes up!
"
130349,"I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I'm gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
"
61899,"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's an obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
"
13430,"Did you hear about the new pop singer that has giant nipples? Her name is Areola Grande.
"
123420,"The Ancient Mayans have predicted the world will end on December 21, 2012. They also worshipped a Corn God named Ah Mun.
"
189009,"Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last very long for fat people
"
99375,"Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
"
176699,"America! Where we celebrate mediocrity! 15 year olds should not be praised for losing 50 pounds while still being 300 plus...
"
230376,"Where does dubious pasta come from? The spaghetto. I can't take all the credit, however: I heard the word from [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/xdp4k/the_gaydar/c5lnkep) guy
"
3830,"Hey babies, I can do 12 push-ups. Impressed? Doap. Typo, meant babes. Impressed? No? Oh. Well then. Impressed babies?
"
84125,"I used to think there were 25 letters in the alphabet I don't know Y.
"
226668,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Anita ! Anita who ? Anita you like I need a hole in the head !
"
137192,"I'd like to start today by telling you how wonderful (NAME) is. I'd like to but...
"
5562,"[commercial] Narrator: These are real people and not actors- Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE'RE PEOPLE TOO!
"
122933,"How many votes does it take to change a light bulb? Votes don't change shit.
"
209500,"Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven? If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
"
129961,"Donald Trump on Twitter: """"The Theater has always been a safe place"""" Abraham Lincoln: """"Dude""""
"
98202,"Is your refrigerator running? Good, then I'm voting for IT for president!
"
160359,"what does clark kent have for breakfast? alter-eggos
"
138956,"Why have the Chinese not got telephone directories? There's so many Wing's and Wong's they might wing the wong number.
"
117318,"Norm Macdonald tells a good joke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGr_7p5Ti0Q
"
201306,"Although Bugs Bunny starred in many cartoons, why did he die a pauper? He ate all the cabbage he made.
"
118696,"How do you say 'Toilet' in Japanese? Dump-ring.
"
211008,"In a blind taste test ...Stevie Wonder was delicious
"
137581,"A hammer and a Nail cost $1.10 The hammer is a dollar more than the nail, how much is does the nail cost?
"
62549,"Whenever people say """"anything is possible"""", I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
"
141365,"|T|h|i|n|k| |I| |f|o|u|n|d| |s|o|m|e|t|h|i|n|g| |m|o|r|e| |a|n|n|o|y|i|n|g| |t|h|a|n| |h|a|s|h|t|a|g|s|
"
229359,"DUMPED BY HIS GIRLFRIEND Q: Why was the 6'6"""" guy so brokenhearted after his 4'9"""" girlfriend dumped him? A: He was nuts over her.
"
91365,"What do you call a pessimistic black man? Niggative.
"
195249,"Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.
"
96855,"Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have Cotton Balls
"
80187,"What's big, black, and explodes when shaken? A COKe bottle.
"
81653,"what do you call a baby in the middle of the ocean without arms or legs? fucked.
"
153759,"yo mama's teeth so yellow that when she smiles everyone sings """"i got sunshine on a cloudy day"""".....
"
118572,"Racism is not a joke Lol, JKKK
"
40100,"""""Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep."""" *fireworks go off outside* *opens window* I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
"
205600,"The Long Walk Home by Miss D. Buss
"
179346,"My wife came home to me cheating on her. I don't know which surprised her more; the fact that I was fucking our daughter, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
"
212904,"What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
"
163296,"A wife comes home and says, """"Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery!"""" The guy says, """"Great darling. Should I pack for the ocean or the mountains?"""" She says, """"I don't care, get out!""""
"
45731,"The only time honesty isn't the best policy is when speaking to an Apple employee at the Genius Bar.
"
142350,"What do you say to a girl with small tits? NOTHING!
"
64086,"I asked my boyfriend if I brought Joy to his life... """"Yes,"""" he said. """"I knew it,"""" I said, """"That backstabbing bitch!""""
"
50135,"A large hole was found in the middle of the city. Officials are looking into it.
"
127773,"Chinese girls number I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, """"Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"""" I said, """"Wow!"""" Then her friend said, """"She means 666-3629.""""
"
205651,"""""SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP"""" I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
"
161160,"I do not have an obsession with tidiness. I just wanted to clear that up.
"
63823,"Sorry, I'm using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
"
198099,"Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today.
"
124127,"Why did the Buddhist photographer fail at taking pictures? Bad cam'ra
"
80427,"What's the difference between roast chicken and pea soup? I can roast chicken but I can't pea soup
"
127933,"I'm a racist person and my mouth says racist things but my penis is a humanitarian. - Dave Chapelle.
"
202054,"Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.
"
125283,"If I had two bathrooms I'd tell everyone someone died in one, I ain't tryna clean two bathrooms
"
208305,"Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer? He had loco motives
"
198461,"good artists copy ,, great artists steal i say to myself as i shove several marley and me dvds into my pants. im a dog lover wat can i say
"
168535,"A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her  follows you behind.
"
90224,"""""I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service."""" """"Dude this isn't email I'm standing in front of you.""""
"
55443,"What's Captain Picard's favorite game system? N-Gage
"
190354,"My penis just lost its job. If anyone knows any holes it can fill let me know.
"
226096,"When Kurt Cobain was a child... When Kurt Cobain was a child, his mother told him not to play with guns. I suppose that went in one ear and out the other.
"
115141,"What did Journey say to the critic as he stormed out of their concert? """"Don't stop! Be leaving!"""" Just a joke I thought up the other day.
"
86028,"2 for the price of 1 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the idiot's house Knock Knock <Who's there?> It's the Chicken
"
200738,"What do you call 13 dwarves and a hobbit inside a mountain? A *smaugasbord*.
"
118398,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Broken Bungee Barbie ...Barbie doll lying broken on the pavement
"
91013,"""""There's no business like crow business."""" -Wealthy businesscrow
"
181234,"What is a pirate's favorite letter?
"
16683,"What does a woman and KFC have in common? Well, you start with the breasts and the thighs, and you end up with a greasy box to put your bone in.
"
124851,"Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There's a killer recipe for duck a l'orange on page 6,374.
"
187983,"FUN BIT OF TRIVIA...The hard-working individuals who discover and preserve ancient pastas and breads are called starchaeologists.
"
42220,"A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.  """"Which side is it best to lie on?"""" she asked. """"The side that pays your fee"""" replied the doctor.
"
158144,"Q: What's the book of socially prominent monsters? A: The Book of who's Boo.
"
6356,"Vader: I AM your father. Luke: Why are you telling me this now? Vader: Luke: Vader: I need a kidney.
"
73713,"16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said """"Listen to it, it'll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
"
138611,"What's the last thing someone wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson? """"I'm not Willie Nelson.""""
"
212404,"Mike wazowski opens up a tattoo shop Called Monsters Ink
"
49056,"I'm adopted and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me. But why everyday?
"
1615,"Today my boss will learn that I am nowhere near mature enough to be left alone with a label maker.
"
70817,"Ladies, the word for the day is """"legs."""" Spread the word.
"
61208,"Did you hear about that guy who said 'that's' like 'dat's'? Instead of saying that's mine, he said dat's mine.
"
117404,"Goose bumps are God's way of letting you know a devil ginger baby was just born.
"
181082,"There's literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
"
82263,"a disability, a curse word and a radical interpretation of scripture walk into a bar nothing happened welcome to /r/cleanjokes
"
229447,"What do you call an Irish man who lives in your back garden? Patti O'Furniture
"
216190,"How do you divide old Rome? Using a pair of Caesars.
"
63150,"I don't answer unexpected knocks on the door in case it's the beginning of a very polite Zombie Apocalypse.
"
64016,"Kadala of Diablo 3
"
130081,"Why does a flamingo lift up one leg ? Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over !
"
119314,"The worlds worst joke... EDIT: Thanks for the gold!
"
182241,"What is the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple waits until you are 13 to come on your face.
"
95516,"{Working as a bouncer} ID please *looks* Okay you can go *softly kisses their forehead first*
"
42005,"The Mrs recognizes my """"tell"""" when I've seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud """"A-OOGA"""" noise.
"
119693,"What's something a white person says a lot, but a black person never says? Hi dad!
"
117449,"A couple of Irishmen are walking down a country road . . . They see a sign that says """"Tree Fellers wanted"""". One of them turns to the other and says, """"Dammit. Too bad there's only two of us.""""
"
205824,"what did one bruise say to the other? Have a swell day
"
32054,"How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife? Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.
"
167468,"Ok guys I have a confession.... Particle accelerators give me a hadron....
"
208707,"How can you tell when a vampire is sick? By his coffin!
"
161428,"[5:30AM] BRAIN: I'll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don't wake up. BODY: I'll just clip my head on the door frame.
"
226011,"Hey, what's the difference between reddit and LOTR? In the books and movies, the trolls didn't type.
"
168194,"Hey, Reddit! Here's one about cats: why did the mother cat move her kittens? She didn't want to litter.
"
29760,"Me: Feel free to name your next kid after me. Coworker: Why would I name my kid """"Giant Douchebag?""""
"
23301,"Ive tried everything to get my dog to behave. Ive tried shoving it into a wool tube, stabbing it in the neck and head, etc. nothing works.
"
39695,"Q: What's green and purple and goes up and  down? A: Barney in an elevator.
"
135952,"Definition of circlejerk circlejerk: What comes around goes around.
"
62804,"What, I'm Asian? *slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks* *buys a bonsai tree*
"
47804,"""""Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."""" In which case, there sure are a lot of amnesiacs on this subreddit.
"
59959,"What do you call Mexican stoners? Baked beans
"
25452,"I'm no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you're pulling your tampons out way too fast.
"
107667,"There are two types of people in the world. Those that pee in the shower.... And dirty, dirty liars.
"
83138,"Q: What is the difference between a viola and a  trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
"
218175,"A reality show for little engines called """"So, You Think You Can?""""
"
150118,"Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
"
48603,"Ambitious workaholics in Taiwan typically have a Taipei personality.
"
115583,"A note to the mods 
"
189911,"I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait sorry, that didn't come out right : I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.
"
161544,"""""welcom to salad shop do u want a salad"""" yes """"do u want chicken on it"""" yes """"do u want bread on the side"""" r u just selling unmade sandwiches
"
188107,"What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women...
"
110638,"I got fired from my job at the sperm bank. I guess you can't keep saying """"Get a load of this guy"""" every time someone walks in.
"
171175,"What'd the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
"
20889,"Why did Mr. Pibb go see Dr. Pepper at Rehab? Because he was addicted to Coke.
"
111797,"Elephant meets a camel somehow. The elephant asks the camel why he has boobs on his back. The camel replies, """"You don't have much to say because you have a dick on your face.""""
"
22850,"Her: My father is very upset that I'm your girlfriend. Me: Well, duh, I'm very upset that you're my girlfriend...
"
141625,"Honey, we should really think about becoming parents. I mean, we've already had the kids.
"
26529,"What did Hitler get for Christmas? An easy-bake oven.
"
25880,"Why did the brother octopi look so alike? They were itentacle twins.
"
90330,"What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? YOUR MOMMA!
"
224108,"I like my women like I like my rum... Aged 12 years and mixed up in coke.
"
38270,"""""Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don't be clingy.""""-women
"
61460,"A rhyme which is neither Hickory nor Dickory Hungary Dungaree Duck That fowl sure loves to fuck just like his feathers his zipper is down Hungary Dungaree Duck
"
137908,"Why was the web server down? Mary Jane dumped him.
"
24272,"Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.
"
52498,"What do you call a broken statue with nice tits? A busted busty bust.
"
211221,"""""Hey pregnant, I'm dad"""" .... .... .... ..... """"Oh god wait.""""
"
91827,"When friends or family ask me if I'm going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, """"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?""""
"
96612,"My girlfriend keeps asking me to stop singing Wonderwall """"I said maybe...""""
"
158637,"If I ever got stranded on an island, I could totally use the glare that bounces off the whiteness of my legs to signal for help.
"
128710,"The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I'm like """"What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me""""?
"
121426,"I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone. Edit: Holy *shit*! This blew up!
"
72525,"I asked for a chemistry joke, and he responded with this. [x-post from r/dadjokes] What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer? The taste.
"
89608,"In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.
"
67660,"Asked someone today if they knew any good antonyms for yes They didn't know any
"
186647,"Why did Moses spend 40 years romeing in the desert he dropped a quarter
"
63129,"""""hello pretty lady."""" [i slide down the bar] """"what's your name?"""" i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
"
200297,"Have you heard of the man that walked all day and only moved two feet? .....That's all he had.
"
117654,"What did the veterinarian performing canine reproductive surgery say to the veterinarian with over productive saliva disorder? Spay it don't spray it.
"
15410,"You had me at 'I've had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend'
"
144973,"Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad? Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?
"
117240,"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Nothing. she couldn't speak while gagging
"
103711,"So I was giving my gf the ghomeshi last night.... ^That is the joke and punchline all in one.
"
108109,"Choosing between Hillary and Trump is like having to fart really bad while sitting between Scarlett Johansson and The Pope. I don't know which way to lean.
"
214012,"Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
"
194299,"What did the German policeman say to his nipples? You are under a vest!
"
7187,"How to legalize animal poaching ? Drop a kid in their zoo enclosure.
"
139127,"Jokes What is Mario's favorite fruit
"
58010,"What do you get when you put 32 Rednecks in one room? One full set of teeth.
"
41096,"What's the difference between woman's breasts and a box of matches? The matches are made for adults, but kids constantly grab'em and play with them. The situation is quite opposite with breasts.
"
20468,"Love is a decision. I have decided not to smother my husband with his pillow. Our love will live another day.
"
174315,"Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
"
9532,"Huh, this is a first Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before They must know
"
220895,"Why did Adele cross the road? So she could say """"hello"""" from the other side.
"
166675,"whats a ghost's favorite fruit? booberries!
"
150196,"You wanna know what makes me smile? Face muscles
"
195830,"What did the astronomer say when the government launched a napalm bomb to the seventh planet Uranus is on fire
"
63835,"what is a ghosts favorite lunch meat? Boo-loney :D
"
25280,"DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what's this for? ME: it's a tip DOCTOR: okay but you're still dying ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
"
114181,"What are some great video game jokes?
"
178917,"What do you call an entrance to a brothel? Hodor.
"
102742,"Yo mamma so dumb... ...her offspring think 'Yo mamma' jokes are funny!
"
192294,"I know you look at the toilet paper after you wipe.
"
150719,"God loves me even when I don't forward those chain letters
"
145368,"At least you'll be able to watch Jeremy Clarkson on Dave for the next 12 years.
"
215227,"Why couldn't the Hungarian programmer buy a third long? Because he only had Forints! Thank you thank you, tip your waiter.
"
73039,"A mathematician walks into a pizza shop... They request one pie. Upon getting a full pizza, they exclaim, """"You gave me twice as many radians as I asked for!""""
"
71625,"Where is the best place to hide a dead body? A cemetery
"
120267,"How near was the boy to his dad's tobacco stash before getting busted? Close... but no cigar.
"
94766,"Why does Brendon Rodgers hate Twitter? It only allows 140 characters
"
88585,"What does Taylor Swift say when going down a slide? Weeeeeeeeeee, are never never never, getting back together.
"
177789,"I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
"
50471,"What did Luke say at Han and Leia's wedding? May divorce be with you
"
198712,"E-cigs are fedoras for your mouth
"
13142,"knock knock player 1: whos there player 2: hola player 1: hola who player 2: holawhosn
"
228872,"I'm opening a store that specializes in selling automatic weapons. It's called Bloodbath & Beyond
"
186274,"If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
"
212041,"Bad puns run in the family... I guess they're he**reddit**ary
"
143675,"I had a dream I was a muffler I woke up exhausted
"
30177,"Naked New Jersey My girlfriend comes up to me naked and says kiss me where it smells. So I drove her to New Jersery
"
65409,"[diary, day 3642 on deserted island] How can I still be fat?
"
203673,"How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader? Tell him that asylum seekers kill pedophiles.
"
230454,"[day 1] hello, world [day 2] bit less wobbly today [day 7] making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho [day 26] turns out i'm a hippo
"
211750,"""""Oh fuck, of course!"""" -unicycler seeing a bicycle
"
99461,"If your human doesn't feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up. ~Cats, apparently.
"
115531,"What do you call a rapist in the friendzone? A stalker.
"
82681,"Heard on the radio and could not resist repeating... """"My ex-girlfriend never asked me use a condom."""" """"Because she was on the pill."""" """"Ambien.""""
"
132942,"On the bright side, this is gonna be the most environmentally friendly olympics... On the bright side, this is gonna be the most environmentally friendly olympics, even the pools are going green.
"
218483,"Realized that I'm getting old. 20 years ago all of my friends were on drugs. Now they're all on medication...
"
14282,"if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a ...? no?
"
86883,"Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
"
5271,"My wife turns over and accidentally kicks me in the nuts. I gasp. She gasps. Then she raises her arms and yells, """"I WIN! I WIN!""""
"
39535,"Knock knock Who's there? Ana Ana who? Ana gonna tell you
"
98033,"Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court
"
97343,"I wanted to be a Ninja, so I googled """"Ninja school"""" I followed the link to their website, and it said """"Page cannot be found"""" WOW, these motherfuckers are good.
"
21805,"My grandpa is a total pervert My mom told me he had a stroke at my sister's piano recital
"
198127,"What did the Bra say to the hat? You go on ahead I'm going to stay to give these two a lift!
"
218683,"what do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from jail? A small medium at large.
"
50630,"Epilepsy is a real problem, you shouldn't make light of it. Or rather, you shouldn't make light then dark then light at a rapid pace of it.
"
215148,"Just got home from the doctor, apparently I have a couple of kidney stones... It should be okay though, he told me that *these two shall pass.*
"
228070,"What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book? Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.
"
92782,"How many pancakes can you fit into a dog house? None because ice cream doesn't have bones.
"
205704,"What is the most deadliest breakfast? Ebola cereal. Note: Got it from my stepbrother who has his moments.
"
206992,"drummer: """"just add er on the end of your instrument"""" guy who plays trumpet: """"so im a trumpeter, ok cool"""" guy who plays trombone: """"oh no""""
"
205205,"[at a bar] me: hey girl are u a wanted criminal girl: no me: oh ok [to a group of cops] shes not here, search the other building
"
28432,"I'm glad my mom is such a bad cook If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they'll swallow anything.
"
33349,"Why is Santa's sack so big? He comes once per year.
"
10110,"Internet explorer... The best browser for downloading a new browser
"
74643,"What happened when Cinderella got to the ball? She choked.
"
128587,"WAITER: How is everything? ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
"
229693,"Today I had an allergic reaction to a peanut... **This title contains content from FINE BROTHERS ENTERTAINMENT who has it blocked on copyright grounds.**
"
181231,"""""I am inspiring"""" -Russian guy who's about to get kicked out of his spy ring
"
103427,"Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means? Me: We have to be quick! *Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
"
21318,"Have you heard that they're filming the first porno in space. They're calling it smutnik
"
101450,"LEGAL JARGON! Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian? A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!
"
192951,"I just heard a guy arguing with his oven. Things got pretty heated.
"
107874,"A blonde walked into a store.. She got a nose bleed.
"
146415,"What do you call a bunch of Indians running down a hill? A: A mudslide How do you make one? A: Roll a coin down a hill Who is the richest man in India? A: The guy who got the coin
"
52417,"Wrote Santa A letter asking for a baby brother Wrote Santa a letter asking for a baby brother. Santa wrote back... """"Send me your mother""""
"
91177,"What's the difference between marmalade and jam? You can't marmalade your cock up a girls ass
"
144149,"... -_- Ash gets raped??? http://teensofhs.blogspot.com/2013/02/20000-views-celebration.html
"
99249,"What did the pig say when his wife left him? """"Don't go bacon my heart""""
"
203655,"On a walk, my son saw a pay phone asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Blackberry.
"
193636,"Bernie Sanders to cut the BS Now wants to be called Ernie Anders
"
81452,"What did the optometrist give Helium? A pair of noble glasses
"
13125,"The Australian border patrol is so good... they even stop the good internet from reaching Australia.
"
127980,"What's the best thing a midget can catch? Air.
"
110625,"[sees kid hitting pinata] Me: wow he really hates horses
"
85840,"I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
"
196664,"My only real accomplishment in life is knowing all the words to Coolio's """"gangsta's paradise"""".
"
111195,"What do you get if you cross a snake and a lego  set ? A boa constructor !
"
1377,"What's the definition of a will? Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
"
207775,"So I blew positive for alcohol today and got arrested... Positive is my neighbor's dog's name
"
170058,"If a woman asks if you """"notice anything new"""" tell her """"I do, your beauty surprises me every day."""" Then continue thinking about velociraptors
"
6266,"I told a joke to my Jewish friends about kosher food, but they didn't like it at all... they said it was too ham-fisted.
"
121225,"Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
"
203178,"I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society. It's the thought that cunts.
"
210435,"Friend : """"I wasn't that drunk!"""" Me : """"Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming """"YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!""""
"
35783,"Symphony of puns i never let my kids listen to jazz or classical music... Too much sax or violins can only lead to treble!
"
227155,"I only believe 12.5% of what the Bible says. Which makes me an eighth theist.
"
67164,"Why do porn stars always talk the same way as they would to a pet? Insert punch line below if needed
"
96307,"If the car in front of me were moving any slower, it'd be Paris Hilton's thought process.
"
155093,"I landed a really nice job at the local sperm bank But was soon after let go for drinking on the job.
"
8642,"Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today...finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
"
167191,"Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth? Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.
"
33606,"Did you hear the one about the sidewalk? It's all over town!
"
156519,"Air Asia Accident - java reference So some remains of the Air Asia Airline were found in the Java sea. Guess the pilot didnt C#.
"
25879,"Where do the Mexican truckers hang out? The guay station.
"
218801,"I'm glad Lassie wasnt my dog. I just want to watch TV, I don't want to be constantly rescuing people.
"
31540,"When you know it is too cold in Bay Area? When you see the programmer's hands are in their pockets.
"
126839,"No matter who you are or where you come from, all anybody wants in this life is for no one to object to their iTunes mix playing at a party.
"
7583,"What is the lactose intolerant man's least favorite chore? Laun-dairy.
"
19289,"Why is the book """"Women Who Love Too Much"""" a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers.
"
42125,"Sudoku... It's a numbers game.
"
94111,"What's one thing Lance Armstrong can still make money from? LIESTRONG bracelets.
"
76358,"A boy says to his step-dad """"You're not my real dad"""", and his step-dad says """"you're right, because I'm here right now"""".
"
215423,"What do you call group of mentally handicapped kids at a performance of """"Peter Pan""""? Slow Children At Play
"
82858,"What do you call a shitty bungalow? Dungalow.
"
72118,"I have a splitting headache today. Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
"
93093,"What does Monica and Hillary have in common? They don't fuck Bill anymore.
"
141522,"I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He insists he can stop at anytime.
"
3881,"What did grandma say to grandpa while in bed? Keep it up!
"
182697,"That new show, Black-ish just started airing in Korea. It's called Brackish.
"
24357,"If you're out and you see a donkey, say """"hey, come here donkey."""" He might not come but if he does, free donkey
"
226338,"Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
"
159216,"Why do people become bakers? Because they knead the dough. (Kneading hand motions required during recital.)
"
210719,"What did the Japanese man say to the hooker? You might feel a tiny prick.
"
147815,"What do you call a black guy having sex? RAPE
"
114500,"My wife said she'd like another baby... ... I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!
"
147190,"This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face... <--Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
"
211446,"Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we care.
"
57778,"Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
"
106809,"Alcoholics don't run in my family They just stumble around and break stuff
"
156602,"""""If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?"""" An Airplane
"
7942,"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn't open your door.
"
179357,"[Cat birthday party] *Cat opens gift from her husband* """"It's...an empty box."""" *silence* """"Oh honey, I love it!""""
"
102792,"A man walks into a bar Ouch!
"
130010,"Quick question... How many Facebook pokes before it's okay to ask her to take a load to the face?
"
220136,"When it boils down to it water is just steam.
"
145425,"Why did Miss Piggy call in sick to work? Because she had a frog in her throat.
"
78085,"Bruce willis was found dead next to a bottle of viagra I guess you could say he died hard
"
144889,"Knock knock """"Who's there"""" """"I'm the mailman""""
"
108563,"Seriously. Who gets """"regular strength"""" ANYTHING?! """"Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I'd like this headache to LINGER.""""
"
64792,"Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman
"
23828,"""""I'm still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it's convenient for me."""" - Idiots
"
146079,"What do you call two lesbians in a closet? Licker cabinet.
"
34460,"My wife calls me a """"five times a night"""" man I've always had a weak bladder
"
21502,"Never ask me """"Who hurt you?"""" unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.
"
225988,"*gets taste of own medicine* Yep this is my medicine
"
139309,"Call me crazy but you can't follow, star, retweet, and trophy me and then act surprised when I show up to your house in a wedding dress.
"
24223,"Just held the door for an Asian guy and he said """"Sank you"""" so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.
"
180034,"Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
"
137034,"My friend lives in Colorado and told me he wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea. The steaks would be too high.
"
203934,"I laughed in r/funny
"
21372,"I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer
"
12851,"Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it's a palindrome? Put it backwards and it spells racecar, put it sideways and it kills Paul Walker.
"
111236,"Josh Dugger more like Josh Diddler
"
58211,"You don't need to use your words if you're carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
"
30643,"I once borrowed a pro-life campaigner's laptop. The desktop was filled with accidentally-created New Folder icons.
"
15648,"How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the chin...
"
95836,"How many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know, I left early.
"
124592,"What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Denim, denim, denim. edit: (works best if said out loud)
"
53269,"What two friends belonging to two different alien species call each other? Brothers from Another Mothership.
"
65219,"On my first day of college my dad's only advice was """"don't date any of your teachers!"""" Yeah right dad, everyone knows teachers are poor.
"
222568,"Boss: """"Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?"""" Me: """"The antidote?"""" Boss: """"No, a nice..Wait, what?"""" Me: """"Nothing""""
"
176855,"Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants.
"
209794,"How do you know if balls are ticklish? Testicle
"
207433,"I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
"
182229,"Outbreak - New Strain of Bird Flu Discovered!!! It's called Chirpies. It's a Canarial Disease. It's Untweetable.
"
31117,"One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. """"Tie me up,"""" she purred, """"And you can do anything you want."""" So he tied her up and went golfing.
"
115383,"How can you tell if a pedophile is Jewish? """"Hey little kid! Want to buy some candy?""""
"
167131,"""""I thought I was happy, but then you revved your engine so loudly and I realised YOU are what's been missing from my life"""" - No girl, ever.
"
212053,"Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub (2) I'm banned from Subway
"
183487,"Why aren't pigs invited to black tie events? Haven't you ever seen pig's tie? It's filthy!
"
99635,"""""I see,"""" said the blind man, pissing into the wind. """"It's all coming back to me now.""""
"
214303,"Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? A: To make up for a bad summer.
"
118067,"ME: I've expressed this political opinion so clearly, there's no way anyone could misinterpret it. THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
"
151162,"Erectile Dysfunction is hard to live with
"
89811,"Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
"
209062,"If your middle initial is V, I bet you constantly get mistaken for a court case.
"
164566,"What do you call a prostitute's vagina? A whorifice.
"
11041,"""""Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it."""" ~ Not an old Irish proverb
"
3362,"Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
"
68446,"What is the difference between a female blond and a female mosquito? A female mosquito can raise a family when she is done sucking.
"
191459,"OMG!! Lady Diana was on the radio yesterday!! Well, technically she was also on the steering wheel, the cupholder, a small splatter of her on the dashboard..
"
135378,"I thought the baseball was getting bigger.. Then it hit me.
"
160824,"[Courtroom] Judge: One more word & I'll hold you in contempt! Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
"
167847,"Why did the atom stick around? Cuz if he split, the situation would have gotten blown out of proportion.
"
209150,"I wish a girl would give me a chance so that I can finally disappoint someone besides my parents.
"
147578,"Why do Scottish men watch porno movies backwards? Because they like the scenes where the prostitutes return the money to their clients.
"
60264,"You know pornstar are really violent people... Everything always comes to blows.
"
69562,"My keyboard is such a freak I fingered the shift key 5 times and gave it sticky keys.
"
203278,"*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
"
2100,"I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else's
"
137760,"Why I'm leaving r/Jokes Going for some sushi. Brb in a hour or so.
"
80908,"You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don't like. Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
"
69217,"My Life. It said """"Submit a Joke.""""
"
90107,"Calculus derives me crazy!!
"
18798,"[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool] Boss: You're hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture. Me: *eyes widen* what
"
231429,"Don't trust people that are constipated They're full of shit
"
147561,"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to do it before it gets cool, and one to talk about how much better the old one used to be.
"
85942,"An Australian soldier arrives at the front line in WW1 where he meets a British officer. The officer asks """"have come here to die too?"""" The soldier replies """"No sir, I came yesterday.""""
"
131906,"Knock Knock Knock knock Who's there? A man with short-term memory problems. A man with short-term memory problems who? Knock knock
"
54781,"So I've narrowed it down and I'm either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
"
229288,"Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio. Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.
"
32913,"Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.
"
32951,"Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you """"work in mysterious ways"""" and see how far it gets you.
"
111885,"Ever have sex with a schizophrenic? It's fucking crazy.
"
73650,"Whats green and fuzzy and can kill you if it falls from a tree? A pool table
"
76969,"""""I would absolutely say I'm an introvert!"""" - Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
"
220150,"My buddy told me this hilarious joke earlier about Albert Einstein getting a handjob... What a stroke of genius!
"
194564,"What's the difference between a feminist and an archangel that dislikes Biblical prophets? One is a Dan-hating Mike. The other is a man-hating dyke. edit: spelling because of anal dykes
"
133078,"I'll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don't give a duck.
"
111206,"What happens when lawyers die? They lie still.
"
8200,"McDonald's is like if Ke$ha were a restaurant.
"
213472,"If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
"
49549,"[Doctor's Office] Dr: I'm not going to candy-coat this.... Me: *misses bad results of test because I'm imagining a coat made of Skittles*
"
165450,"what do you get when you cross breed humans and goats... baaa..bies
"
148666,"ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary. BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?
"
112359,"What do you call a drink with problems? Dilemmanade
"
42021,"Lance Armstrong flew to NY yesterday to fight the allegations of doping. ... would have been more convincing if he'd taken a plane, though.
"
121422,"[at gym] *spends 45 minutes untangling headphones *drops phone, squats to pick it up Phew! Good workout! *leaves
"
101405,"Guys how can you tell if a girl is attracted to you? She touches her ears with her ankles
"
223383,"Hot kraft singles in my pocket waiting to meet you.
"
25696,"We call our new maid Non Sequitur, ...because she's Latin and she doesn't follow.
"
165246,"I ever tell you about the time I dated a midget? I was just nuts over her
"
135852,"I'd make a joke about albinism but... I'm afraid it would be off-color.
"
40842,"What do you call a gamer girl on her period? Red ring of death.
"
139269,"I always thought by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead, we have blankets with sleeves.
"
100962,"Saw a couple standing in the park holding each other tightly, silently, not moving. I was touched. Both their phones must've been stolen.
"
33632,"1am: Huh, I'm not tired... 2am: I feel great! Maybe I don't need sleep? 3am: LET'S EXECUTE EVERY IDEA I'VE EVER HAD. 3:04am: Euthanise me.
"
140399,"Tonight, I watched someone ruin over 20 years of sobriety. It was a shitshow. But, in her defense, you only turn 21 once.
"
6793,"Where do fat people live? Obe-city
"
4441,"""""Jessica wasn't usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong."""" -Investigation Discovery
"
185273,"Who do you call for the console police? WiiU
"
189996,"where did alice go during the explosion? everywhere
"
43331,"What's long and hard and screws people? An exam.
"
174205,"I'm not a Christian... But as a gay man I wouldn't object to being nailed bloody up against some hard wood.
"
170087,"I have three daughters. They are Three, Ten and Eleven. I know, I know! These are strange names.
"
92174,"Dad jokes are real.... What do you call a Cow with no legs? """"Ground Beef""""
"
227519,"Amber Alert, but for the TV remote
"
31077,"Just been informed the man who stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.
"
209594,"Why did the boy drip his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
"
197073,"What's green, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
"
111066,"Told my mom I was adopted. Totally April Fooled her ass.
"
197633,"Theres an egg on yor head... Only yoking.
"
49249,"I don't understand the hate for man buns I think they're top knots.
"
61622,"Knock knock... Who's there? Ah. Ah who? WEREWOLVES OF LONDON
"
107270,"I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It's like they don't know I plan on cropping them out later.
"
12709,"How many mottophobics does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Who do you think broke the filament in the first place?
"
170439,"When asked, 'Are you Twittering?' if I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.
"
192915,"Ten years from now mankind will be illiterate, and we'll only communicate through pictures of our breakfasts.
"
40579,"That chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment.
"
145649,"Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert's funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. """"Me want cookies,"""" he sadly intones. """"Me want cookies.""""
"
114313,"why do jewish men get circumcisions? because jewish women wont touch anything that isn't 10% off...
"
84022,"What do you call an Irishman sitting on your veranda? Patty O'Furniture.
"
168554,"Have you heard about the man born with five cocks? His pants fit him like a glove.
"
47965,"Why did Jim Morrison cross the road? To break on through to the other side.
"
205594,"I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting. I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.
"
60755,"Want to hear a joke about nitric oxide? NO
"
5063,"Late night phone convo BF: Ok you hang up GF: No, you hang up BF: No, you first GF: Nooo, you first NSA: Shut the fuck up and hang up already!
"
186205,"an icicle got in a fight with a cpu it's okay, it's all water under the sandy bridge now
"
102145,"'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming... Just cuz I went into the wrong house.
"
192019,"The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hangout. It just says I can't get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?
"
52812,"My son had a really terrible experience while camping last weekend It was in tents
"
31797,"What's the plural of Ebola West Africa Credit goes to /u/Malfunkdung
"
157500,"everyone's always asking me 'is your son named after the movie?' and I'm like no idiot Sharknado's 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013
"
202080,"Whenever someone asks how i'm doing & walks away before i answer..I write """"GREAT"""" on the side of thier car with my keys!
"
68971,"""""none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?"""" I promise [later] *stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
"
90401,"I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
"
172741,"ME: did it hurt GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
"
25243,"Why don't boxers have sex before a fight? Because they don't like each other.
"
48177,"My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
"
171019,"A man is talking to a rabbi and asks, """"Do you charge a lot for your circumcisions?"""". The rabbi says, """"No, I just keep the tips.""""
"
202676,"Q: Why don't blondes like buttered  toast? A: They can't figure out which side the butter goes on.
"
169522,"LIAM NEESON: I have a peculiar set of skills. ME: I think the line is 'particular'. LIAM NEESON: Nope! *He rollerblades away juggling dogs*
"
222836,"Your only chance of getting laid... is to crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
"
207094,"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.
"
125794,"The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
"
156533,"What do you call a German sausage fest? Wurst orgy ever.
"
126609,"Did you haer about the dyslexic insomniac atheist? He would spend all night long awake thinking about whether or not there was a dog.
"
220858,"Chuck Norris know's Victoria's Secret.
"
108465,"What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year the dog is still excited to see you.
"
86530,"Yo mama's soo ugly.. One Direction went the other way.
"
144729,"Happy International Women's Day! Or as I like to call it, Taco Tuesday
"
54174,"What do you call the hair of a centaur? Humane.
"
85360,"TIFU by clicking on a useless post.
"
17061,"My wife and I used to describe our marriage as 'forever', now we both prefer the term 'ad nauseam'.
"
120064,"People tell me I use too many cliches. But I take it with a pinch of salt.
"
6980,"What does the shy little pebble wish for? To be a little Bolder.
"
64545,"I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once.
"
132951,"Twenty-seven dollars is probably the most money that's ever been in a wallet with a chain attached to it.
"
7674,"Doctor Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear that's a lot of calories !
"
82407,"Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that's ghanistan af.
"
158794,"Why do I need a wingman? How's a half-man half-bird freak gonna get me laid?
"
89667,"Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss Cheese
"
192441,"When you're talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit.
"
38902,"Why can't you trust a person with two butts? Because they're bi-assed.
"
76494,"I'm seriously disappointed by /r/goldbenefits. Not even one name appeared in the Panama papers.
"
192746,"I like my women how I like my golf scores... Low 80's with a slight handicapp
"
217171,"For my new year's resolution I will stop replying to funny jokes I hear by saying LOL
"
39996,"What's the feminine name for the Internet Highway? e-Lane
"
70790,"Three guys walk into a bar together... You would've thought at least one of them would have seen it!
"
24707,"Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this  test! Teacher: I agree but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
"
13658,"Today may be the hottest day of the year but all the other days have nicer personalities.
"
165593,"Where does the Empire buy their robes? The Darth Mall!
"
74666,"Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
"
210038,"Did you guys hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
"
113030,"My girlfriend says that I've got the body of a guy half my age. Which would be a nice compliment if I wasn't 22.
"
44274,"Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.
"
75580,"What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with Herpes have in common? They all """"Feel The Burn!""""
"
158140,"Why do blonde girls go to the bathroom in groups of three? Because they can't even
"
53939,"People with private Twitter accounts should know that withholding their tweets is like not letting us talk to their toddler on the phone.
"
123876,"My Gran died of asbestosis. It was terrible, it took us four months to cremate her.
"
212784,"Why do I see so many broken condoms outside? Honey, those are called """"children"""" and should be treated as such.
"
94996,"100% of people who eat in the dining area of the grocery store are murderers.
"
3022,"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it? a dead cat
"
199063,"Knock knock Who's there? Not victoria
"
161266,"The urgent care center in town was torn down... ...it was clinically depressed
"
101247,"What did the conspiracy theorist use as his breakup line? Baby, I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone who's as real as the Moon landing...
"
25244,"What's the most scandalous of the wonders of the ancient world? The Colossus of Scrotes.
"
216509,"Vegans with children named 'Hunter' are why I lie awake at night.
"
36442,"[pirate ship] Pirate: Walk the plank Me: *struts down like nobody's business* Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you're one of us now
"
35047,"My stats prof is so romantic... He keeps talking about his Bayes' Theorem
"
191138,"Hey baby, did you fall from Heaven? Because so did Satan.
"
140170,"The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
"
213471,"Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
"
67551,"What did the cannibal do when he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped
"
22944,"I like my coffee how I like my women Without a penis.
"
151973,"Grandpa...why is there a suppository in your ear? Oh... THAT's where my hearing aid went!
"
3355,"the printer in my office is fondly called Bob Marley it keeps jamming
"
144704,"What do you call a dark skinned surfer? A RADICAL muslim. Sorry if I offended anyone but just thought I would share a funny thought I had that I turned into a joke.
"
159357,"NSFW. What do you get when you mix a rooster with peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
"
209067,"MOUTH BUT NO TEETH RIDDLE Q: What has a mouth but no teeth? A: A river.
"
147465,"The best joke of them all You.
"
152978,"Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.
"
4702,"I hate people who steal the punchline. I'm keeping mine a secret.
"
46000,"Wondering when Oceans 14 is coming out? It already did, it's called """"The Hobbit"""".
"
158409,"I'm hungry. Nice to meet you, Hungry!
"
89733,"Mexican Magician The Mexican Magician says """"I will disappear at the count of three. Uno, dos..."""" *POOF* And just like that, he disappeared without a tres.
"
108921,"HR has a problem with me giving the vending machine guy a lap dance. In my defense, he was packing Dark Chocolate Twix.
"
93202,"Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.
"
100297,"I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don't need to sleep anymore anyway.
"
128668,"What's better than a violin on your bed? A fiddle between the sheets
"
160298,"Child twister: """"I can't tear up that farmhouse, Dad"""" Dad twister: """"Come on son  we're Kansas tornadoes, not Kan'tsas tornadoesn'ts""""
"
47991,"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
"
207383,"What was the geologists' favorite Musical genere? rock
"
46783,"If I were cloned I'd be beside myself with confusion. Really, I'd probably see double.
"
89484,"I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics. ... ... But graphing is where I draw the line!
"
7481,"What body movements alert you that a politician is lying? His lips are moving.
"
153339,"A dyslexic man walks into a bar And yells """"Hands up mother fuckers! This is a stick up!""""
"
35545,"Help, I accidentally ... build a shelf?!? What should I do?
"
94415,"I don't want to be racist.... so stop trying to make me to take up competitive running!
"
116536,"Sure, your app can send me push notifications. Just give me your home number so I can call you to let you know I got them.
"
219864,"A game of cat and mouse, but it's just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
"
7151,"What Does a Duck Smoke? ( _)&gt;- **Quack** (_)
"
18917,"A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shihtzu
"
16933,"Where does the cynic go to pray The Cynicgogue
"
56023,"My friend told me he wanted to find the electrical resistance of Jesus. I was like """"Ohm my God!""""
"
198549,"Donald Trump Is proof that Willie Wonka had sex with the Oompa Loompas.
"
116360,"It doesn't make any sense for ugly girls to play hard to get. You're already playing hard to want.
"
68859,"If I'm on a date and can't think of anything to say I just make it look like I'm busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
"
209963,"I told my dog to """"Lie."""" He said """"Meow."""" Now I don't know what to do.
"
62669,"What do you call a gay geologist? Fagate.
"
226250,"Why did the chicken cross the road? Just kidding I'm not going to be that guy
"
87772,"Kinda scared for 2017 Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more
"
42756,"psychic: """"I see... I see kids in your future"""" me: """"but I've had a vasectomy"""" [9 months later ... me tending a goat farm] """"This's bullshit""""
"
124003,"I think that limiting the nuggeting of animals to only chicken was a mistake.
"
104338,"What happens to the cannibal who is late to the party? He gets the cold shoulder.
"
196125,"Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it. Genius.
"
201653,"Yo mama so fat Every photo from family gathering is her self-portrait.
"
110920,"Did you heard Steve Jobs died? He went to the iCloud. (RIP Steve. You may disagree with him, but the fact the man died is tragic considering his contributions to computing.)
"
114488,"If Earth was a rented apartment, ain't NOOOO WAAAAAY we're getting our security deposit back.
"
176080,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hockey Barbie ...comes with hockey stick and missing teeth
"
54336,"The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
"
159350,"why did the native family starve? Somebody hid the welfare cheque in a work boot.
"
116849,"A woman marries a man..... A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
"
93305,"I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground up and in my freezer.
"
45520,"Why is there no phone books in china? Because theres so many wings and wongs you wing the wong number.
"
217122,"What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
"
160465,"I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
"
155512,"A young boy asks him mum why his cousin is named Diamond... His mother replies """"because your auntie loves Diamonds"""" He replies """"what about me?"""" She responds """"enough question Richard""""
"
198228,"I don't want to brag but unlike most men I need both hands for a wank . One for the magnifying glass and one for the tweezers.
"
42837,"What do you call 100 Mexicans holding hands around your yard Spicket fence
"
162126,"I was rejected at this job interview that I had. Apparently, """"gang rape"""" is not a suitable example to prove that you are good at working in teams.
"
29848,"Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash. Who survives? America.
"
113880,"How do you say goodbye to 230,000 Indonesians? A big wave.
"
202484,"Some subs... Are not the OP.
"
68904,"Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
"
61930,"Why is """"Z"""" afraid of all of the other letters? Because they're Not-Z's (*Nazis*)
"
210707,"Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window? Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.
"
31388,"""""Well, that just isn't gay enough"""" - the inventor of wrestling, shortly before adding spandex to the mix.
"
75785,"A lot of women at the mall make me feel like I'm tripping on flaccid.
"
3079,"Which color confuses an idiot? Blue
"
36878,"Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around """"the law"""". Judges don't like it.
"
163155,"Already resenting that I have to wake up tomorrow.
"
62599,"What do the Russians use to film their war with Isis? Daeshcams
"
200980,"I haven't seen anyone in a yellow jersey this disgraced since Lance Armstrong.
"
98701,"A junkie walks into a gay bar,..... he goes straight to the bathroom and starts banging ron.
"
54761,"Friday is like a bra... You did your job all week, now it's time to take it off!... anyone need a hand??
"
68727,"When I said I got a little action last night, I was referring to bed bugs.
"
123812,"In bed, women commonly mistake me for Usain Bolt because I always come first.
"
141641,"What do you call a doctor who eats his vegetables. A cannibal.
"
40360,"Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. One guy says: """"Man I wish I could do that"""" The other guy replies: """"Ya, you may want to pet him first""""
"
178928,"It's a shame what happened to the Dolphins's parents...... I can't imagine being an Orfin
"
208314,"Student l: """"Did you know that ghosts are protected by the Constitution?"""" Student 2: """"They are?"""" Student 1: """"Sure. It's in the Bill of Frights!""""
"
30156,"CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps """"Latest Speculative News"""" or """"We Really Don't Know Shit"""" would work. CNN call me.
"
126905,"Why doesn't 'Murica have any knock-knock jokes? Because Freedom Rings!
"
124628,"I asked my dad what he thinks of Nihilism... He said, """"Does it matter?""""
"
165317,"What time did Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Ten-ish.
"
88688,"Was playing the piano and the cover fell on my hands Have not been feeling myself since.
"
109370,"I went on a date last night with a tiny lobster. Its didnt work out. She was a little shellfish.
"
60044,"How many cocks does it take to make your mother cry? None!
"
7072,"I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like """"That one's shaped like an idiot.""""
"
145076,"My thai girlfriend told me a small penis doesn't matter... ...I still wish she didn't have one though
"
212275,"What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit? The first herd shot round the world!
"
758,"What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps.
"
17031,"I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
"
31330,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Apollo ! Apollo who ? Apollogize !
"
148550,"What do you call a man with a small penis? Justin
"
195954,"My shoulder just got to 2nd base with the chick who is cutting my hair...
"
42014,"Beer makes you smart. It made Bud wiser.
"
57803,"What did the sea say to the shore? Nothing, he just waved. Christmas crackers are the worst.
"
41980,"Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you're getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
"
220296,"Jesse James married my sister. He's know my brother out-law
"
40581,"why is 6 afraid of 7? 7 ATE 9.
"
72175,"*discovering flying dinosaur* PALEONTOLOGIST: We'll call it pterodactyl, for """"wing fingers"""" ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
"
137129,"Noah build an ark """"what? why"""" I'm gunna flood the earth """"just give me fish powers"""" [jealous he didn't think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
"
13188,"""""How is this grilling you?"""" - mom's 44th question
"
60996,"Hear about the Donald's """"high energy"""" masturbation kit? Tweezers and a magnifying glass.
"
92860,"Neuroscientists have discovered a commonly-consumed food which nearly eliminates the female sex drive. Wedding cake.
"
178971,"For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there'd be one less blogger.
"
188502,"Are cucumbers the only food you can put over your eyes to reduce puffiness because these pizza bagels aren't helping at all.
"
28931,"You know what they say about camping... It's in tents!
"
197796,"Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said """"Hello."""" The other one thought """"I wonder what he meant by that.""""
"
101100,"Q: Why do ghouls wear glasses? A: So they don't bump into other ghouls.
"
197528,"Today i realised why my Dad divorced my mom I saw her driving license. she has an F in sex
"
74252,"Wanna expand my polynomial?
"
41534,"Why do mermaids wear seashells? because D shells dont fit
"
59429,"Why cant some one stay straight while playing hide n seek in IKEA?... ...cuz they'll have to come out of the closet at some point.
"
134396,"Companies should use chromosomes in advertising Because sex cells.
"
115974,"[dj voice] """"Make some noise, Dad Party!"""" *dads go nuts* """"Whatcha wanna hear, I'm taking requests"""" [in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I'M DAD
"
49267,"My sex life is like a Wild West saloon... Liquor in the front, poker in the rear
"
84187,"A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff... Ba-Dum-Tsss
"
154773,"Based on statistics The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style... The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
"
69439,"What did the fish say when he crashed into the wall? Fuck!
"
143204,"REALTOR: It's a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools- ME: And the Pokemon? REALTOR: .... sigh. Mostly Pidgeys ME: I think I've seen enough.
"
188117,"Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only comes once a year!
"
137730,"I'm just like Bob Marley but not black or Jamaican or talented or dead but my hair gets tangly .
"
31545,"Heard a good joke about Hillary Clinton's email scandal TOP SECRET
"
190991,"What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? """"Tennish""""
"
63834,"Beefy right wing joke The maniacal right wing, cow-worshipping saffron brigade in India...is it true they never hold a beef against someone?
"
27750,"I spend so much time alone I may as well just be ugly.
"
196307,"What is the name of an Irish girl who hangs out on your lawn? Patti O'Furniture
"
173087,"A woman site down next to a man in a bar and says, """"You smell good, What do you have on?"""" The man says, """"I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it.""""
"
78688,"He said we needed to talk so I screamed 'Who are you & what are you doing in my house?' Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad
"
161359,"[Serious] Holocaust jokes are NOT funny and never will be. It's a very sore spot for many people. Personally, my grandfather died at Dachau, he got drunk and fell out of his watchtower.
"
78101,"Taylor Swift Stabs Lucky Fan 1,989 times.
"
19507,"What do you do with a Rhinoceros with 3 balls? You walk him and pitch to the giraffe.
"
174270,"Why do people say love is like chemistry? Because you can put it in someones drink
"
197536,"What does /r/jokes and the iPhone vs FBI case have? Both just got hacked
"
114443,"I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he'd know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.
"
102308,"When i die i want to go peacefully like my friend in his sleep. Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.
"
138366,"What does a programmer do in the toilet? A log dump!
"
147403,"What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? """"Where's my tractor""""
"
49316,"A BLONDE'S BRAIN Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant.
"
219432,"What do you call a Jewish rock band? I want my nickelback
"
116847,"Trump is single-handedly bringing down America. Actually, I take it back. With hands that small, he'd have to use them both.
"
205995,"Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
"
162781,"Math Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.
"
213840,"What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common? An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.
"
222689,"Lobotomies Do they smart?
"
201282,"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
"
34889,"Thank god pets can't talk, they know so much
"
60613,"Why did Ms. Frizzle get fired from teaching Sex Ed? She told the class to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy.
"
104938,"""""woofwoof, woof"""" -my neighbor's dog telling me his views on politics lol you gotta look at both sides tho fam
"
178350,"I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they're safe for a day, but why aren't they good enough for a holiday meal?
"
121897,"Two old ladies sitting in a doctor's office in Florida... The one says to the other, """"I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk. Thank God I can still drive.""""
"
164165,"Quit my job at the helium factory today I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
"
110307,"Teacher Why did the teacher get glasses? Because she was having trouble with her pupils
"
112563,"Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar... The bartender says """"Why the long face?""""
"
194801,"I was about to sleep with a blind girl when she said, """"You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on""""... I responded, """"You're pulling my leg.""""
"
70238,"So I was driving home from work and I saw what looked like a giant weasel It was humongoose.
"
49100,"Why was the cook sad when all the water in his pot boiled away? Because he mist it.
"
48543,"Did you hear about the guy who threw a tree at Donald Trump? He missed; I guess you really can't stump the Trump.
"
107733,"A friend told me to try Viagra, he said it'll make me feel like James Bond. I don't know about that but I can defiantly feel my Rodger Moore.
"
110137,"Q: Where do mentally unstable trees go? A: The insane a-xylem.
"
109257,"A guy tells his friend a long sleeping joke, which his friend hates. """"That was a bed joke,"""" said his listening friend.
"
32805,"It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
"
107269,"Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin? It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.
"
108305,"My kids and this punchline have a lot in common. They're both a disappointment.
"
19644,"What do you get if you cross a skunk  and a dinosaur? A stinkasaurus!
"
69888,"a piece of me is missing. I guess that I should stop asking people if they want a piece of me.
"
22269,"My penis... Is such a dick.
"
112949,"I've just bought a house with period features She hates that nickname.
"
108922,"I like my women like I like my wine. About 20 years old and locked in my cellar.
"
110971,"Why don't ants get sick? Because of their tiny little anty bodies
"
223324,"Is it bad that when you walk into a room and a persons clothes are hanging up that you think they have new curtains?
"
219212,"I just killed a man Knifely done
"
203073,"I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
"
10873,"Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
"
10227,"Women are like pickup trucks. Men with poor taste usually want to add a lift kit.
"
9809,"I climbed a really tall ladder. Afterwards, I was rung out.
"
134222,"The Heist A man walks into the bank with a pistol. He aims the gun at his head and yells, """"Give me the money!"""".
"
101795,"If you smell burnt toast, you may be having a stroke... But if you also smell bacon then you're probably having breakfast.
"
109855,"Whats a Neckbeard's favorite city in Spain? M'drid
"
12196,"Why does Bernie know he'll win the elections? Because his good friend Nostradamus told him he would.
"
80425,"Black magic is kinda racist, but it's better than nigga wizardry
"
179732,"I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season
"
220695,"I asked the barman why he wouldn't serve me. All he kept saying was, """"Too drunk."""" He should really stop drinking on the job.
"
19827,"What goes """"ha ha, thump thump?"""" A guy laughing his balls off.
"
132157,"If a blind girl tells you your penis is massive... ...she's probably pulling your leg (great show by Jimmy Carr tonight)
"
221300,"Dont hit me! Thats whats she said. Bazzinga
"
120753,"Why Trump and that lady you sit next to on the plane who asks way too many questions are the same. They are both loud, annoying, fat, barely male, and completely unable to make america great again.
"
23638,"If I had to choose between a stepstool and a device that let's me get even higher... ...I'd take the ladder. (I'll just leave now)
"
121365,"*whispers to businessman sleeping next to me on bus* Sleep tight precious angel
"
79319,"I got a great deal on a boat the other day..... Sail
"
227838,"*goes to get phone out of car *sees car has been stolen *finds phone in back pocket OH THANK GOD
"
206200,"Every husband is a farmer by default.. his survival solely depends on """"Agree""""culture
"
150366,"What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter? The rogue one
"
40961,"[Border control] Officer: """"You're not American."""" Me: """"Deep."""" *Officer squints* M: """"Fried."""" *squints harder* M: """"Guns."""" """"Welcome back, Sir.""""
"
175495,"Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender.
"
114605,"So a virgin priest and a virgin nun walk into a bar.
"
169710,"What do tou get when you cross a Rooster and a Cat Sex
"
37513,"Me: My dog has gone missing Dog pound: What colour is it? Me: Brown Dog pound: Sex? Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
"
203776,"Why is there no such thing as a great golfer? The best ones are consistently sub-par.
"
223914,"What do Mexican people call really upbeat TV shows? CCTV
"
91400,"Why does a dinosaur climb a tree? To get in his nest.
"
169499,"Who is the new member of the X-MEN Caitlyn Jenner
"
136592,"What do you get when you roll weed on a dictionary? ...High Definition
"
182720,"A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
"
18814,"Being a vegatarian is a missed-steak!
"
225161,"Doctors have discovered that breast cancer may cause amnesia. After all, mastectomy would result in mammary loss.
"
69928,"How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's not funny.
"
9263,"I bought a push up bra today... It didn't work, I can still only do 2...
"
61628,"Death by chickpea... What do you call it when a chickpea smashes another one to death? Hummuscide Thanks, I'm out.
"
63517,"Sorry I'm late, guys. SOMEbody.. *gestures at wife* told me this knife fight started at.. *sees everyone holding guns* FANtastic, Ellen
"
178163,"I love you so much, I'll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
"
111180,"Principal: Do you do your homework? Kid: Now & Then Principal: Where do you do it? Kid: Here & There Principal: Put him in the closet!!! Kid: Hey When will I get out? Principal: Oh sooner or later
"
14938,"A blind judge conducted a trial.. And even after no one managed to provide a substantial incriminating evidence he still condemned the defendant. he couldn't see the truth.
"
79691,"The Bermuda Triangle A.K.A.... Clinton's Inbox
"
66498,"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
"
205387,"My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.
"
162163,"I'd try to commit suicide, But I'd probably fail like the rest of my life.
"
126068,"What is cookie monsters favorite war? Vietnom nom nom nom
"
221471,"How about an app that keeps track of every working automatic paper towel dispenser in the world? All seven or eight of them.
"
178458,"What does the arabs put in their Mexican food?? Allah-penos
"
227214,"I don't like working at the IRS It's incredibly taxing
"
131628,"The doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia
"
221826,"A bigot redneck and a psychopathic grandma get into an arguement Someone filmed it and decided to call it politics
"
197638,"I saw a black man carrying a T.V. today I though that it looked like mine, but when I got home he was still shining my shoes
"
166374,"What's the difference between handguns and feminists? A handgun only has one trigger.
"
46612,"What is a dentist's favorite time of the day? 2:30
"
165290,"Today I saw nice ass, huge cocks, hot chicks and wet pussy. It was a nice day at the farm.
"
67755,"""""Grandpa, grandpa! Tell us again about the time you whittled a 189 character idea down to a perfect 140 character tweet!""""
"
119875,"I let my baby girl know she can do anything. Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT'S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
"
68687,"Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can't read Bella's mind is because there's nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.
"
151784,"When I'm feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar
"
97684,"A man walked into a hospital with 8 plastic horses in his rectum. They described his condition as """"stable""""
"
84074,"Q: What is dumber than the Blonde jokes above? A: Me for wasting hours editing and typing these damn things.
"
87179,"Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He was dead.
"
28870,"I spent all day replacing the muffler on my car It was exhausting
"
20229,"I share a commute with three friends. Every weekday for the last 15 years I've driven into the city, taking the road that goes under the river. Now the doctor says I have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
"
193338,"Someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds Poor bastard.
"
100080,"I heard a rude joke about Grizzlies the other day... ...but it doesn't bear repeating.
"
132741,"an optimist, a pessimist, and a nihilist live in a shared apartment. dah- dum -- crash!
"
24095,"Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble... You have my Word
"
119073,"There was a prison break and I locked eyes with a midget as he climbed up the fence. As he jumped over he sneered at me and I thought, """"Well, that's a little condescending.""""
"
28290,"When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
"
47432,"Someone just named a commercial service """"KGB""""? I would've gone with """"Abu Ghraib"""".
"
41987,"I once went on a date with a playwright It was all going well, until she started making a scene
"
89436,"I hate it when a guy pulls out a chair in front of me. I'm never sure if he's a gentleman or a chair thief.
"
90441,"Why did the twins have twice as many shirts as pants? Because they shared genes!
"
209050,"My friend got in an accident that caused the whole left side of his body to be amputated off He's alright now
"
83950,"When an oppressed people demand a democracy I wonder if they realize we created obesity, the piano neck tie, and Keanu Reeves.
"
106772,"I've stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,""""I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.""""
"
190787,"Creation of the woman Too bad God didn't make her out of he funny bone **this is just a joke so don't get offended please**
"
178396,"My girlfriend recently asked me if I wanted to get more serious. I said, """"What do you think we can do to keep the second amendment while making sure terrorism and crime are not enacted?""""
"
135171,"What is Jabba the Hut's middle name? the
"
17433,"How does an Alzheimer's patient celebrate New Years? Kissing strangers.
"
148046,"A bumblebee, a spelling bee and a vitamin B got in a fight The vitamin B1
"
140819,"If someone is spitting behind you, it means you're in front.
"
133908,"I renamed my dad """"Death"""" in my phone's contacts. Just so I remember that life can always get worse.
"
137228,"How did the dog make anti-freeze? He stole her blanket.
"
56247,"AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM: Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
"
127016,"Did you hear about the ambidextrous golfer? He swings both ways.
"
66681,"I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.
"
112568,"What European city is home to the most Indians? Buddha-pest.
"
162618,"What's worse than being a tanning salon owner in Africa? Being a Somali Uber driver in Columbus, Ohio.
"
43742,"Never heard this joke before... neither will you
"
73721,"HUNG LESBIAN how can you tell a lesbian is hung? she has really long fingers
"
77929,"why didn't the antelope like to go on the rollercoaster because he is anti loops
"
228950,"Why did China write such a shit constitution? Because two Wongs can't make a right!
"
94770,"There's an website you can use to see if your family is racist. It's called Facebook
"
40746,"What is the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman? Ironman is a superhero, Ironwoman is a command.
"
4909,"Where do nazis go on vacation? The holocoast.
"
215123,"My ex-wife is like Barbie... The bitch has everything.
"
121472,"What's the best way to make money with a plus-size modeling agency? Life insurance policies.
"
179792,"Yesterday I extinguished a colleague's cigarette at the office with a water pistol. Adds firefighter to resume
"
39449,"What do you call math that gives you PTSD? Triggernometry
"
161961,"What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
"
98292,"Ex-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has died following a stroke but why she was following it, nobody knows.
"
157817,"What's in common between a sprinkler and the answer i got if she wanted anal? Tsk Tsk Tsk Tsk
"
172061,"How come the government can keep printing money But when I do it, it's a crime?
"
212559,"Sorry I said """"What is it?"""" when you showed me your baby.
"
136955,"What's Iron Man's favorite ride at the carnival? The ferrous wheel.
"
161369,"What kind of jeans does mario wear? [Denim denim denim.](http://youtu.be/rdnTvgK2o5I) ^^^^^^shamelessly ^^^^^^stolen ^^^^^^from ^^^^^^tumblr
"
138085,"Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
"
229019,"Name a body part that's long and stiff and uses the letters PENSI A spine
"
75284,"Women are not complicated at all, except when they expect us to read between the lines.
"
150223,"I'm starting a new sport where people race on sea horses. I call it, """"Aquastrianism.""""
"
42426,"I like my coffee like I like my women... Black and made by my dad.
"
42416,"how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia? when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day
"
84584,"What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back 4 seconds
"
56367,"My penis is so big if i laid it out on a keyboard It would reach from A to Z
"
44083,"What do you call it when a red head gets a tooth infection? Gingervitus.
"
26276,"What was the name of the hobbit who went to get frozen yoghurt? Froyo Baggins.
"
168004,"Q)What is the condition when a cat loses it eye-sight after being beaten? A)Cat-a-rekt!
"
72593,"What's the difference between regular sex and anal sex? One makes your day and one makes your hole weak.
"
21086,"What do you call a black man flying an airplane? Pilot.
"
104526,"My favorite drinking game is that one where you drink every time you have access to booze.
"
59902,"There was a man watering his garden across the street at night. At first I thought he was pissing outside but after a realized he wasnt I said """"I thought you were peeing"""" he said """"no I'm Chinese""""
"
35450,"I send thank you cards to people that don't invite me to their weddings
"
44895,"Shia Labeouf always looks like he's trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.
"
210080,"Me: """"You flunked the labs & the midterm. You need 154% in the final to pass."""" Him: """"So there's still a chance?"""" Me: """"Let me ask my unicorn.""""
"
121346,"What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG
"
66718,"What did the salad say before being eaten Lettuce go.
"
125527,"Hillary demands that Trump release his tax returns Trump says - I'll email them to you.
"
175064,"I like my women like I like my coffee ... ... ground up and in the freezer.
"
141484,"[opens fortune cookie] -You will have a great night """"aw, that's neat, wait there's more"""" [unrolls note further] marish clown assassinate you
"
104323,"Two psychics bump into each other on the street... The first one says, """"You're fine, how am I?""""
"
29525,"Guinness book of world records I use to have my dick in the Guinness book of world records, but then the librarian told me I had to leave.
"
41644,"My new breast reduction clinic is called ... Tits for tats.
"
180565,"Translated from danish: 2 drunk sits in a bar. One says: My dog keeps chasing people on a bicycle..... The other guy things for a bit then replies: Then why don't you take the bicycle from it?.... (c:
"
729,"A guy walks into a bar and says, """"I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife""""! A man shouts from the back, """"You don't got enough bullets, bud""""!
"
156770,"What side of a monster has more hair ? The outside !
"
62395,"Abortion - it really brings out the child in you. Anyone got any similar puns? Also: - 9/11 jokes are just plane rude.
"
34062,"Here's a good one my dad told me.. A sober Irishman walks out of a bar..
"
188496,"Which cheese is made backwards? Edam
"
132956,"TUMS HAS ANYONE ELSE REALIZED THAT TUMS SPELLED BACKWARDS IS SMUT? WELL, IN ADVERTIZING THEY SAY SEX SELLS
"
121318,"I took a bite out of a vegetable the other day... The nurse was pissed
"
212606,"What do you call silly pasta? A noodlehead..
"
82088,"What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
"
89638,"If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice They're lying.
"
223107,"Jim ate my sandwich. It was clearly labeled. Jim's email is open on his PC. Jim's son now thinks he's adopted. The sandwich was LABELED.
"
63269,"As I was about 3/4 of the way through the Fallout 4 campaign, I began to notice something strange... .
"
81034,"What's the difference between a fish market and Nicki Minaj? One has halibut and one has hella butt.
"
85553,"What do you call an Alaskan hooker? A frostitute.
"
114104,"So I had this idea to make money by selling bottled bottles ...It made no cents
"
41603,"that fuzzy feeling when he puts his arm around u for the first time and then his other arm and then his other arm then u realize HE A SPIDER
"
75672,"There are few problems in life that can't be sorted by slowing down, taking a deep breath, and THEN drawing winged eyeliner on a raccoon.
"
213912,"What is the name of the martial arts discipline that the anime girl that you are in love with practices? Wai fu.
"
89521,"What does a priest and a second place runner have in common? (NSFW) They both came in a little behind.
"
16309,"What is a jewish golfer's favorite vegetable? A parsnip.
"
152078,"An Asian man's wife died He couldn't bereave it.
"
188837,"You were all Pluto's not even a planet and now you're watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
"
83425,"Besides watermelon, there should be windmelon, firemelon and earthmelon. The four elemelons.
"
158121,"A dad says to his son, """"Son, if you don't stop masturbating you're gonna go blind!"""" The son replies, """"Hey Dad, I'm over here!""""
"
214685,"[ordering cake over phone] """"and what would you like the cake to say?"""" [covers phone to ask wife] """"do we want a talking cake?""""
"
128746,"Ladies, call me Adobe Updater, because I nag you at least once a week and never seem to work
"
154308,"Do you know why women aren't allowed in space? * To avoid scenarios like: """"Houston, we have a problem!"""" * """"What is the problem?"""" * """"Yeah, great, pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about!""""
"
208315,"The Punished Schoolboy by Major Bumsaw
"
114492,"Got fired from my job at the deli for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer. The pickle slicer kept her job cuz she is the boss's daughter
"
155746,"My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She'll have cereal.
"
5485,"Seven days without Mexican food.... Makes Juan weak.
"
129302,"What do you say if you meet a toad ? Wart's new !
"
24768,"Did you hear the one about the Mexican train bandit? He had locomotives.
"
114945,"(Utterly awful joke ahead) What do you call a scar left by the Swedish Chef? A borkmark.
"
192761,"What did the vulture say when the airline agent asked if he wanted to check his luggage? No, thanks, it's just carrion...
"
129165,"Q: What has four legs and several fins? A: A happy bear!
"
9122,"Which is the smallest pub in the world? The Thalidomide Arms.
"
200450,"? Hey there Delilah, what's it like when u go grazing I know u said you're not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing Did u just moo ?
"
59590,"What do you call a gay dinosaur? A Megasaurass
"
110125,"If it wasn't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
"
18127,"I tried eating a clock once It was time consuming.
"
212546,"My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole
"
84504,"How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just shoot the room for being black.
"
81821,"Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world? She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.
"
44368,"Person on this home improvement show said everybody needs """"a good screwing surface."""" Can't argue with that logic.
"
65900,"I just bought a device that makes my car 95% quieter! It fits perfectly over her mouth.
"
123044,"Why do people like office parties AND this joke? The punch line.
"
61119,"How can you tell a mechanic just had sex? Two of his fingers are clean.
"
187826,"My favorite mixed drink is the M. Night Shyamalan. It's nothing with a twist.
"
205588,"Oh my god, did you hear Bob Barker died? He was hit by a BRAAAANNDDD NEEEEWWWW CAAAAAARRRRR!
"
21075,"When I was 15 my dad bought me my first pack of condoms When they expired 5 years later he bought me my second.
"
83912,"Why was the solider nervous about being deployed? He had arachnophobia.
"
109132,"The flag in the moon is fading into an all white flag Future generations will believe the French were there.
"
133333,"What do you call an oval with a speech impediment? An Elipshhh
"
17861,"How does the vicar explore the Internet? With the church mouse.
"
184738,"What do Yoda's sheep say? Dey go baa.
"
181402,"What does David Bowie get at the supermarket? Can-cer
"
217857,"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose..
"
88648,"Silkworms Two silkworms had a race It ended in a tie.
"
20643,"I got attacked by a yob with bat down the local park yesterday.. I was really impressed with how well he had it trained
"
192557,"A man drops his watch........ And he notices his dog is about to piss on it. The man says """"Oh no you don't, not on my watch!""""
"
227684,"You can chew on the end of the pencil But you can't erase the tooth.
"
17186,"How do you go about hiring a horse? Try two pairs of stilts!
"
186384,"Knock knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? I thought you said you'd never forget.
"
98415,"How does a Gorilla become another animal? When a Mafia don hires a 'big Gorilla' to be his bodyguard and the  big Ape goes to the cops and turns into a stool pigeon!
"
32817,"There are some benefits to having alzheimers For example, you get to meet new people constantly.
"
28462,"All this darkness is making me feel like Hellen Keller.
"
88712,"in GTA5 my dude was driving fast and I got a text IRL. when I looked down at my phone I crashed & flew out the windshield. #ItCanWait
"
210451,"What does Reddit say to the Joker that doesn't have a punchline?
"
87929,"Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don't get married. If you are over 35, don't get married. If you are 35, don't get married.
"
143315,"[dinosaur naming committee] TERRY: and we will call the flying one the Terodactyl PTERRY: I've got a crazy idea
"
22285,"Son, do we have any dopted? Son: What is a dopted? Dad: You are! Son: Ha ha funny one    dad.(Sarcastically) Dad: I'm not your dad!
"
154941,"Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don't have to suck my gut in.
"
105986,"NSFW What's white, and bobs up and down in a cradle? A pedophiles ass.
"
56877,"I met a girl with 12 nipples It sounds funny Dozen tit
"
162358,"LPT: Don't eat Taco Bell for breakfast. Or you're gonna have a shitty day.
"
197499,"I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew. So I keep the curtains closed.
"
67731,"I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.
"
35237,"I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I'm just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!
"
196082,"Someone on Facebook posted """"Having the BEST DAY EVER!!"""" So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
"
211926,"Yo gurl is your dad in prison? 'cause if I was your dad I'd be in prison.
"
129199,"Two cowboys looking at the desert horizon and a bunch of indians appear coming towards them... -Are they enemies or friends? -They are obviosly friends, they are coming altogether.
"
66339,"My boss: Are you on Twitter? Me: I've never heard of it. Is it a drug? Why would you ask? Am I acting funny? Maybe you're acting funny.
"
169091,"Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.
"
37013,"My sister's got hay fever, and now she has diabetes. I tried to cheer her up. You know, the usual. Flowers, chocolates
"
70998,"At my new job I have 500 people under me. I mow grass at a cemetery.
"
76324,"Vegans have a special acronym for 'Today I Fucked Up' TOFU
"
120818,"What happened when the Samsung Note 7 was launched? It was an explosive success
"
69794,"Why did the Eskimo break up with his girlfriend? He just wasn't really Inuit...
"
42937,"I probably wouldn't know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there's a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.
"
119778,"How to rap like Pit Bull: Spanish Spanish Spanish Mr Worldwide DALE!!
"
227589,"To all the haters out there, I think Melania Trump's speech hit all the right keys. Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V
"
137974,"What is this compound? Chemistry teacher drew this during class. http://imgur.com/fQyNg Don't know how to type spoilers, but maybe rot13 will do. Vg'f n cnenqbk.
"
188486,"Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
"
151489,"I'd eat more chicken if it was branded as """"Tuna of the Land.""""
"
24137,"Did you hear about the woman who got Alzheimer's after removing her breasts? She lost her mammaries
"
17878,"What's a greater Pressure, the impact of Earth hitting the sun, the impact of Earth hitting the moon, or Republican demands for Carson and Kasich to drop out? Please discuss. Thanks.
"
16290,"Are your breast imported? Because they look like they're over C's
"
127576,"MY WIFE: [donating blood] ME: That's from both of us
"
64200,"""""What did you do today, mommy?"""" """"I invented names, like 'Grand Theft Anal' and 'Mortal Cumbath"""" on Twitter, and you?""""
"
35411,"I like to get up early on Sundays, have my coffee, watch the sunrise, and pretend everyone else died of polio.
"
125790,"My bank statement is just a record of everything I've eaten for the last month.
"
41557,"Why didn't the chicken cross the road? He saw what happened to the zebra.
"
136928,"My goal weight is to stop hearing 'you have a great personality'
"
163029,"I was gonna tell a sodium joke but... NA
"
57506,"So a vegan sits down at a bar... I only know that because he won't shut the fuck up about it.
"
208124,"Y'know I hear the N-word a hundred times a day... I need to stop yelling it at black people.
"
84747,"My math teacher called me average the other day. I thought it was mean.
"
186159,"My friend kept nagging me to donate one of my prepositions to charity. Eventually, I gave in.
"
207797,"Culturally speaking... Having a McDonald's in a WalMart is like finding a cyst in a tumour.
"
16194,"How did the cavemen in the far east protect them selves? They Rocked their doors.
"
172148,"My friend told me to sing Wonderwall I said maybe.
"
197314,"Why is it called PMS? Because mad cow disease was taken.
"
6899,"Today I asked the Director of Admissions at my University what the best thing about her job was... And she said, """"Well, I gotta admit...""""
"
222743,"What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack? A Tupac...
"
184382,"Why did Angela Merkel ban use of crabgrass lawn treatments? She was told they would stop the """"German nation""""
"
140352,"I asked a North Korean how his life was going... He said """"can't complain.""""
"
336,"A woman's JJ sized breasts saved her life in a car accident. Those same breasts were the cause of her husbands death in a motorboating accident.
"
118668,"The first woman on the Moon... """"Houston, we have a problem."""" """"What?"""" """"Never mind."""" """"What's the problem?"""" """"Nothing."""" """"Please tell us?"""" """"You know what the problem is.""""
"
165844,"What comes in hard, comes out soft, and what do you blow hard? chewing gum, you sicko...
"
156320,"Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton survive a capsized boat. Who drowns? The boat.
"
154989,"Did you hear about the ghost who went on safari?  He was a big-game haunter!
"
83420,"Made the mistake of letting my east coast newspaper freeze on the steps this winter... I've fallen on some hard Times.
"
44575,"I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.
"
159977,"A man has an accident at the factory where he works... He calls his wife and says """"Meet me at the hospital! I just cut off my finger!"""" Wife says """"The whole finger?!?"""" He says """"No, the one next to it""""
"
143929,"Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria's trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?
"
171734,"BRUCE JENNER CHANGE OVER WHEN BRUCE JENNER FINISHES HIS CHANGE OVER IN BECOMING A WOMAN, OUT OF CURIOSITY (WINK WINK) I'D LIKE TO SEE HOW BIG HIS ASS IS GOING TO BE
"
102527,"I once dated a strict Catholic from the south of Ireland I'll tell you what, you can take the girl out of Cork....
"
48009,"Have you heard about the invention of the shovel? It was groundbreaking
"
85996,"What do you call an Eskimo peeping Tom? Tom tookalook! Went to see my grandma. Dying of cancer but still got a sense of humour!
"
188974,"People just said """"go to the gym"""" they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I've been doing this so wrong.
"
145764,"Why is it easy to talk to people who earn little pay? Because they make cents!
"
177673,"What do you call a turtle with a hard on? A tank!!!! PEW PEW PEW!!
"
191282,"What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an arsehole [insert name of political opponent here]'s tie
"
14964,"What's Mr T's favourite dessert? Petit Filous (Credit goes to my ex wife for this one).
"
125613,"Which star do the dinosaurs like best? The one that keeps getting bigger
"
68846,"What did the dog say after it slid across some sandpaper? Ruff.
"
44319,"You're never too old to learn something stupid.
"
150093,"""""I love plates."""" - Plato
"
148974,"I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
"
186552,"Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
"
150517,"If being a disappointment were an Olympic sport.... I could win the gold, have my father present the medal to me, and it still wouldn't be enough for him to be proud of me.
"
69653,"I just got hired as a garbage truck driver. There was no training, but I think I'll pick it up as i go along.
"
59387,"What kind of TV show do felines watch? Catoons
"
216675,"I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
"
133354,"What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
"
144935,"After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
"
167556,"What is a Mexican's favorite FPS? Borderlands.
"
147287,"Are those against upgrading to OSX Yosemite... Anti-Yosemites?
"
735,"What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The bikings.
"
109826,"The chicks better be hot on this Mayan calendar.
"
38859,"I was watching the men's hockey at the commonwealth games today, I was thinking it must be a very dangerous game to play, I mean half the Indian team were running around with bandages on their heads
"
91774,"I had a friend from North Korea. When I asked him how the country was, he said, """"I can't complain...""""
"
144268,"Why did Skrillex's girlfriend dump him? Because he D-D-D-D-DROPPED THE BABY.
"
112440,"Where does the Internet football team play? Webley.
"
188475,"Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer... she exclaims, """"Some asshole's got my pen!""""
"
123052,"I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
"
163374,"Why did the giraffe cross the highway? Because he bumped his head on the low-way! I guess we're doing 4 year old's jokes today :)
"
152596,"Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble? A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
"
54245,"Why was Lindsay Lohan feeling sleepy? He was buying drinks.
"
115375,"Yo momma's so fat... Her Patronus is a Birthday Cake.
"
142167,"Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
"
226577,"What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? Porcupines have pricks on the outside!
"
143834,"I have an idea for a movie combining my two favorite genres. Zombies and Mafia...I'm going to call it """"Deadfellas"""".
"
78692,"I was going to make a gay joke Butt fuck it...
"
46389,"I once swore in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
"
57505,"How do you know when someone is a single mother? Don't worry! They will tell you!
"
146654,"Got caught again. Next time I'm stealin alcohol from the neighbor's, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.
"
191955,"A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
"
159349,"Imagine how much money you could save on vitamins by dying.
"
73438,"Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps. Freaks her husband out though.
"
179655,"Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? If it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
"
19699,"Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game Hurt, bloody, but at least my dad came.
"
9111,"Do you want to hear a short joke? Never mind, it'd probably go right over your head anyway.
"
104310,"[getting a massage] Me: I have tension in my lower back. *therapist begins* Me: Lower. Me: Lower. Th: But that's your a- Me: Lower!
"
112429,"Brexit's new vowels AIO Since it left E U
"
95348,"Sorry I yelled 'killin' it' when your mom was eating that banana
"
192688,"Why are gay guys good helpers when moving? They know how to pack your shit.
"
230899,"Why does a chicken coop has two doors? If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan
"
136530,"Calling your baby ugly makes me rude? How about you making me look at your ugly baby makes YOU rude.
"
119288,"What do you call a woman rolling around on a beach? Sandy
"
228296,"I'm having an out-of-money experience.
"
7871,"What is Green and Oblong? A well disguised orange!
"
198054,"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? No one pays to have a garbanzo bean on their face.
"
223133,"What does the Indian chef do in his spare time? It's naan of your business!!!
"
162071,"What does a horny assassin do? Netflix and Kill.
"
151150,"*rubs temples* security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
"
112657,"Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.
"
200804,"What's the difference between Jack Daniel's and General Custer? Jack Daniel's is still killing indians.
"
174016,"Saw a documentary on rim-jobs last night. It was very tongue-in-cheek.
"
146458,"Why was the guitarist arrested? Because he was fingering A minor...
"
51450,"Trying to understand women is like trying to smell color 9.
"
133818,"Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
"
200623,"Remember when President-Elect Trump said immigrants were going to take our jobs? It's all true! Just ask Michelle Obama!
"
25923,"My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday I don't think they understood when I said """" I wanna watch""""
"
122465,"I'm actually surprised Sarah Palin has fewer than 200,000 Twitter followers, or, as she calls them, """"Birdy-word-numberees.""""
"
9747,"What did the maggot say to another ? What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this !
"
38098,"When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
"
116888,"I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of  4 instead of just me
"
44995,"What do you call a singing laptop? Adele
"
43704,"Let's pause this conversation until your Transition Lenses catch up.
"
24648,"Have you heard the one about the dog on the roof? You wouldn't get it, it's over your head.
"
125435,"There are 10 types of people in the world... Those that understand binary, and those that don't.
"
84111,"Had the words """"I love you"""" tattoed on my dick. Wife made me remove it because... she said I was always trying to put words into her mouth.
"
68101,"If I could have dinner with anyone dead or alive, I would choose alive.
"
83262,"A libertarian vote walks out of a bar ... ... and goes, """"God, I'm wasted.""""
"
108575,"What do you call a ghost in the Outback? An Apparigine!
"
174773,"What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common? There used to be two, and now it's a really touchy subject. Edit: I am can't word goodly.
"
188319,"Why are there so many piggy banks? Pigs don't like to hide their money in the mattress.
"
176609,"alright. if everything happens for a reason why did i put a scarecrow in the shower
"
123574,"[about to message girl he likes] Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid. Brain: OR
"
98814,"*smacks you with my coloring book* Wow. These coloring books really do work to relieve stress.
"
216265,"I asked the local prostitute if she could do something kinky so she put a set of jumper cables up my ass... Don't get me wrong, I liked it, but I couldn't believe how much she charged me!
"
130733,"Wifey: We should get a chest freezer. Me: We don't need a freezer that big. Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies? Me: I love you.
"
48131,"When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train? When it's on the train.
"
219880,"What do you call a nerd girl with big boobs? ...iRacky.
"
25462,"Washington DC's IQ is the same as the Federal Reserves interest rate Theyre both negative.
"
154310,"What do they call the Hunger Games in Ethiopia? Games.
"
103946,"Why does spider man so great with his stunts? Because he is Peter Parkour
"
208909,"my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin
"
119533,"My wife has a colostomy I get a little action on the side
"
29338,"A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables and the bartender says, You can come in, but don't start anything!
"
216294,"Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton  alike? A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
"
132880,"SURGEON: *cutting open patient's torso* NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement! SURGEON: there's a Pokemon in there
"
174749,"I knew the Psychic was a phony as soon as she accepted my check.
"
157407,"Spend life with the people who make you happy, not the people who you have to impress.
"
21119,"water Water Teacher: What is the formula for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O. l
"
101421,"What do Trump and his supporters NOT have in common? His supporters have a blind trust.
"
84545,"ooh n aah Q whats the difference between ooh and aah? A About 3 inches.
"
131069,"I had a Mayweather joke but,... It ran away.
"
148266,"What's the Difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? One's $2.50 and the Other's Under a Buck!
"
170534,"I would rather... die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
"
162816,"A woman asks her Milkman to fill her bath with milk.. He asks """"Do you want that milk pasteurised?"""", She replies """"No, just up to my boobs please.""""
"
155435,"Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
"
192716,"Once you've mastered being a surgeon... ... operating just become an exercise in patients.
"
63786,"Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats The cops had nothing to go on
"
51137,"At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted???
"
174196,"I still can't believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone I mean, who TALKS on the phone
"
112456,"support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
"
120822,"How does Mike Tyson say hatred? Hate Thread!
"
37798,"We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
"
31747,"Life is like choclate Bitter if you're dark
"
24884,"I recently joined a nudist colony.. The first week was the hardest
"
174605,"Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
"
94133,"I murdered a load of Jehovah's at church today. Don't worry, I left no witnesses.
"
51230,"What's a Mexican's favorite candy bar? A payday
"
15237,"Have you tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they
"
224585,"Did you hear that Shakira and Madonna had a big fight? They're no longer on a first-name basis.
"
79587,"I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I'm about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
"
94120,"The same woman who said """"I'm your mom not your friend"""" has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
"
218700,"Yes, I read Quantum Physics. But only for the particles.
"
188517,"Things I'm never going to do: - Give you up - Let you down - Run around - Desert you - Make you cry - Say goodbye - Tell a lie - Hurt you
"
99668,"Did you hear about the idiot who had a new bath put in? The plumber said """"Would you like a plug for it?""""  The idiot replied """"Oh I didn't know it was electric.""""
"
132306,"If Sam McCringle can mingle with a single bag of Pringles in the time it takes to sing a single jingle, with how many Pringles did Sam McCringle mingle? none... Pringles come in cans
"
104341,"Did anybody hear about the the peeping Tom who was caught? He was beaten up so badly they sent him to the ICU.
"
77274,"I got busted visiting Texas. For trying to smuggle in books. Luckily, I got off on a technicality. No one could prove they were books.
"
147227,"Why do gay pirates always fight each other? They are always trying to get to the others booty
"
140290,"I sponsor one of those poor kids on TV. He sends me nice letters, I mail him pictures of me smiling, throwing away food.
"
32623,"Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what the hell is wrong with you.
"
206637,"What do Afghan stoners smoke? Hindu Kush
"
37569,"Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.
"
10621,"If it talks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then you gotta ask yourself Why the fuck is there a duck in my room?
"
172065,"Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella? There was a Lil Wayne outside
"
138530,"When is a Pixie not a Pixie? When its head is up a Fairy's skirt, then it's a goblin.
"
42542,"I keep misreading ISS as ISIS... ...so I was very confused when we were sending ISIS The Martian
"
168237,"What do you call it when a bunch of deer have an intervention for one of their friends? Change for a buck.
"
36995,"Why did the boy take a pencil and paper to bed? He was told to draw the curtains before going to sleep.
"
198795,"What does a duck say when it goes to the doctor? Quack
"
46252,"You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
"
9140,"You know, I love the ocean I think in a past life I was a semen
"
98134,"I hate when I'm in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
"
10996,"What do you call a pallbearer from Oklahoma? A Karaoke
"
148376,"What did one bridge say to another? """"Fuck you"""" (They were arch enemies)
"
155744,"I went on an extreme camping trip... It was in tents.
"
48873,"What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common? It's either Sunni or Shiite.
"
13940,"Don't be nervous if someone is driving ahead of you- the world is round, just think that you're driving first!
"
187904,"My corner store failed because most people want more than just the corners of stuff.
"
111433,"[Gets cut off by a Pruis] *Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me* *Prius spins out of control* Thug life.
"
221602,"I was telling people about my Mona Lisa joke... but I wasn't getting much of a smile about it.
"
65770,"There is no """"we"""" in pizza
"
111405,"Stop looking at row numbers in first class. That's not where you sit.
"
129028,"These Valtrex commercials are confusing... Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
"
74587,"How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
"
28348,"My friend asked me to take a look at something on r/jokes I replied, """"No thanks, I already reddit.""""
"
108934,"Someone hash-tagged """"share the love,"""" and I read it as """"shave the love."""" I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.
"
144942,"Who has the biggest duck in Compton? A tripod
"
143322,"Ask me if I have a banana in my ear. Do you have a banana in your ear? I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
"
52571,"Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant? ...Because Burger King didn't wrap his whopper
"
224748,"Back in my day... You could go into a corner store with a dollar and come out with two Cokes, three candy bars, and a magazine. Now, fucking security cameras everywhere.
"
2960,"It's that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they've been since last summer.
"
69869,"What do you call a Chicken staring at lettuce? Chicken Caesar Salad
"
19358,"I spend more time hitting the damn snooze button than I do snoozing.
"
121433,"My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!! Upvote for visibility.
"
13649,"A man goes to a doctor. The doctor examines him and finds out he has five penises. The doctor says, """"That's amazing! How do your pants fit?"""" The man says, """"Like a glove.""""
"
190355,"What did the sergeant say to the corporal? I need to see your privates.
"
200955,"T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME TRAVEL JOKES!! when do we want them? RIGH
"
25156,"Before tea-baggers, there were two-baggers. Two-bagger: a woman so ugly you wouldn't do her unless she had two bags over her head, in case one tore.
"
158492,"During agricultural revolution canines... ...became dogmesticated. AHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHa
"
171938,"I told my disbelieving Egyptian friend that he was standing in a river... ...but he was in The Nile.
"
104735,"Our gold fish jumped out of his tank and the dog ate it.....I feel like there is a life lesson here but don't know what it is.
"
190488,"What's white and can't climb a tree? A refrigerator. Sorry.
"
41878,"What's beef jerky? Dried parts of a cow that had Parkinson's.
"
12725,"St. Peter: """"Spock?"""" Leonard Nimoy: """"I'm Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV."""" St. Peter: """"HEY EVERYBODY! IT'S SPOCK!""""
"
189913,"I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say """"Mommy steals credit cards"""" when they're in a checkout line.
"
90425,"""""Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"""" And that's when his wife replied shouting: """"I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!""""
"
29620,"Amusing roller skating falls collection. That's very interesting and amusing video
"
21029,"Press control, alt, and down arrow key. it's fun.
"
32540,"Did you that even when The Thing is not scared... He still shits bricks
"
55487,"flappy bird misunderstanding someone told me to get flappy bird. trying to pick up women from my local bingo hall, was not what they meant.
"
154867,"Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.
"
31246,"I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
"
112705,"My penis is so long When i put it on my keyboard, it covers all the way from A to Z
"
140689,"guy walks into a bar... bar eats 'im.
"
87069,"What do you call a black person in space? An astronaut.
"
5582,"Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren't worth it.
"
170957,"The song """"Hotel California"""" could never be admitted into evidence in a court of law. It's entirely hearsay (he said/she said)
"
79526,"A Grizzly walked into a bar... It was horrible! Many people in the bar died painful deaths, survivors of the attack said the pain was """"un-bear-able"""".
"
92971,"The train stops at a train station; the bus stops at a bus station; My desk is a workstation.
"
78133,"You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.
"
38685,"There was life on mars. Was. It was a cat. Then Curiosity killed it.
"
56285,"Next time you're not feeling hungry, tell yourself you're going on a diet in an hour & you'll unleash the starving African child inside you.
"
12981,"Why did the cowboy want to buy a wiener dog So he could 'get a long little doggy' Credit- my 12 year old daughter!
"
196577,"This guy at the bar yells in my face """"Have you been sleeping with my wife?!""""... I said """"No, she's always awake when I'm over there""""
"
31137,"Bungee Two friends watching Bungee Jumping. 1st friend: Do u wanna try? 2nd friend: No way! I was born bcoz a rubber broke... Don't want to die for the same reason!!!
"
90851,"Why wasn't Sarah Jessica Parker cast in """"Seabiscuit""""? I don't think she auditioned for the movie, or was even considered for it. And she was busy with """"Sex and the City"""" anyway.
"
65785,"[hospital] """"We found the problem. There's an entire sheep in your stomach."""" """"Is that bahahaad?"""" """"Yes. It's causing some internal bleating.""""
"
194426,"Why do birch trees only have daughters? Cuz they kill the male birch trees. Nobody likes those sons of birches.
"
119858,"Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don't send me a fruitcake. Already got one.
"
2017,"""""Pardon me miss, but would you mind moving out of the way?"""" --Polite Ludacris
"
229924,"Man, all the girls I saw today were so hot ...because it was 90 degrees out.
"
46045,"It's uncomfortable when the neighbor's kids look like you.
"
212230,"This year for Christmas you are getting jeans with the pockets cut out. So you can have clothes and something to play with.
"
166119,"I was at a urinal when I realized standing to my left was Muhammad Ali and to my right was Michael J. Fox... bad day to wear sandals.
"
51211,"Turkeys are crazy. They hunch down and freeze in groups in grocery store coolers to elude hunters. Must be a safety in numbers thing.
"
193692,"""""For sale: Brown skinned Cabbage Patch doll..."""" It's only Harv Price
"
216956,"Don't blindfold an Asian with a shoe lace. That's lacist.
"
217072,"What do you call a married cougar? A cheetah.
"
176850,"I don't think I should get a brain transplant... But in the end I changed my mind.
"
167069,"When you're sad, hug a kid. But make sure it's yours cuz that shit would be weird.
"
187495,"Chelsea Clinton charges $65,000 for a 10 minute speech. How many times has her husband said, """"Honey, I can't afford to hear about your day.""""
"
39057,"Why Didn't the Jew Score Another Date with the Asian Girl? Hebrew it.
"
39855,"Trying to grab a stall after lunch as a male. It's a crap shoot.
"
20744,"Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
"
36497,"Jokes What do you get when you cross a chicken and a bed
"
201994,"Why Do Philosophers Have Such Good Teeth? Because they philos all the time!
"
215926,"HR: Me: HR: Me: HR:..87. Karen has lost 87 PERCENT VISION.. Me: HR: Me:..she looked at my cheese stick.. HR: Me: HR: Me: *eats cheese stick*
"
131183,"My girl always tells me """"Life is about the little things"""", but I just hate when she talks about her Ex.
"
229092,"A fight or flight situation. Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher's walking towards you with """"the look"""" on her face.
"
110050,"Him: God you smell good, what is that? Me: chicken nuggets
"
160545,"I was asked a million dollar question today """"Is that your car that just crashed into my lamborghini ??""""
"
164449,"A well-known doctor recently passed away and is having a funeral this weekend. There will be no coffin at the funeral.
"
195187,"I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 companies were interested. I said gas, electric, and cable.
"
194428,"""""Do unto others and stuff."""" (Lesser-known brother, Josh Christ)
"
171238,"I'm no genius but I'm pretty sure Mexicans with anxiety have Hispanic attacks.
"
168797,"What will Donald Trump definitely do when he wins the election? Donald Trump will ban muslim, be a douchebag,make the whitehouse 500x larger and of course, BOMB NORTH KOREA!
"
192682,"Want to hear this... *running* joke? Then you better go catch it!
"
156954,"What word allows you to take away two letters  and get one? Stone.
"
138236,"Why are all blond jokes 1 liners... So men can understand them too!
"
143478,"[Reguest] Can you tell me a joke that's translatable in any language? So not jokes like the current front page: http://i.imgur.com/Hp8K3vB.png
"
60726,"My grandma still doesn't need glasses... My grandma is over 80 years old and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
"
162133,"If I ever met a Space Alien, I'd resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
"
14006,"Peanut butter You're almost as good as chocolate Which is almost as good as cheese Which is tied with vodka -Poem about the food pyramid
"
64223,"My laziness is like the number 8. Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
"
27606,"Why does a milking stool only have three legs? The cow has the udder.
"
40225,"What's worse than finding a worm on your apple? The Holocaust
"
5847,"How do you stop a baby from crawling in a circle? Nail it's other hand to the floor.
"
1750,"What's the worst part about necrophilia? When you get stiff before she does.
"
70960,"When people say 'oh, you're still single?' I like to reply with 'wow, you're still married?' I'm popular.
"
138873,"""""Are you crying .?"""" """"No, my eyes are sweating -_____-"""" #ITTS
"
142035,"I don't know why China wants to continue the One China policy... I mean, the One Child policy didn't turn out too well.
"
4273,"I don't care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
"
70034,"What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged.
"
146153,"My daughter may only be one year old today, but she retrieves beer from the fridge at a fourth grade level.
"
43325,"What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl? A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed. A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.
"
199264,"A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.
"
224867,"What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi? People from Dubai don't like the flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do
"
211271,"What's it called when you sneak into a homosexual wedding? A gay-tecrash Dad joke, right there
"
77824,"Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her's and copy exactly what she wrote.
"
231253,"How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
"
86451,"What do you call a Mexican Midget? A paragraph. He's too short to be called an ese
"
186321,"Accidentally called 911 Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
"
41501,"I KNOW WHO TWEETED THAT! -Me when reading ecards on Facebook
"
89889,"Skinny girls look good in tight clothes.. butt curvy girls look good naked
"
6,"Why was the musician arrested? He got in treble.
"
118356,"The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.
"
94667,"Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny. I am not sorry.
"
133004,"From my 91 year old grandpa Q: What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? A: You can't hear a vita-min.
"
162683,"What the difference between a ISIS member and a child? I don't know, I just fly the drones.
"
57998,"""""BRING ME THE FOETUS' OF 3 CHICKENS"""" *Maniacal stare* """"Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette"""" """"AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES""""
"
96920,"*opens kitchen drawer* Me: Whoa, what's with all the whisks? Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
"
165781,"Say one positive thing about your opponent Well...he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
"
14642,"A magician was driving through a neighborhood... and then he turned into a driveway.
"
32119,"What's the hardest thing about roller-blading? Telling your parents you're gay.
"
200854,"Guy walks into a bar... Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables wrapped around his neck. Bartender said """"alright...but don't start nothing!""""
"
99604,"The movie industry has been irresponsible in the way it has glamorized getting splashed by a passing car.
"
148723,"Why did the midget get kicked out of the nudist colony? He kept getting in everyone's hair.
"
70061,"""""Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes"""" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out
"
16512,"give us a pickup line related to your profession WITHOUT revealing your profession. we'll try to guess I might have posted in the wrong sub Reddit. let me know if we should move it!
"
84674,"If ignorance is bliss there should be a lot more people with smiles on their faces.
"
181120,"What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste!
"
163547,"I want to sleep my way to the top. Like with actual sleep. Wake me when I've conquered.
"
29194,"Where do you take a sick boat? To the dock!
"
184999,"I just lost my job and was told I should apply for COBRA. I said okay, but I think the G.I. Joes are going to be very disappointed in me.
"
145795,"Where was France's military strategy developed? Toulouse
"
189230,"Sources are saying Geno Smith threw the first punch but it landed a few yards short and was returned for a touchdown.
"
167044,"I was starving earlier so I opened up a beanbag chair. There were no beans, only styrofoam. Im furious, Im hungry and I have nowhere to sit.
"
56124,"We're having sweet potato fries with dinner """"Haha sweet potatoes?"""" DON'T """"Don't what?"""" You're gonna make a dumb potato pun """"I YAM NOT!""""
"
139539,"You know what I hate about some of the jokes submitted to this sub? When people repeat the title in the description.
"
69056,"...Maybe it should be called 'Dancing Without The Stars.'
"
119272,"I wonder who they'll get to play the roles of """"Couch"""" and """"Phone"""" in the movie of my life.
"
147839,"Why did Snoop Dogg go to Germany? For Schnitzel.
"
204490,"When is a door not a door? When it is ajar. Saw this as a trail of sticky notes left on someone's door at work.
"
183768,"Little kids are so lucky; they don't have to pay rent or wear deodorant.
"
114746,"I like my coffee like I like my men Tall, dark, strong, and inside of me.
"
17718,"Don't do the pathetic baby talk when talking to the baby. They don't understand you any better. You don't go up to a dog and start barking.
"
92188,"Do you know why fruits don't get married? Because they cantaloupe.
"
40468,"Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden.
"
170892,"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a whiz? Because the P is silent!
"
166636,"What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs? Names
"
119134,"Did you hear about the reusable condoms? When you're done, turn them inside out and shake the fuck out of them.
"
210068,"It's been 14 seconds why haven't you replied yet
"
54737,"Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison? Treeson.
"
113721,"I'll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
"
162920,"Why did the remorseful child-molester paint his toe-nails? He thought it would be a pedicure. ^^^sorry.
"
152492,"What languages do pigs speak Porktuguese
"
88046,"Two cows are talking in a field. Two cows are in a field. One says, I'm not scared of mad cow disease'. The other says, Oh really, why not?'. The first replies, Because I'm a helicopter'.
"
132624,"Man who stand on toilet... High on pot!
"
116472,"""""Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?"""" asked the taxi driver. """"Is it his shield?"""" I asked.
"
154545,"If i ever become a vet, I'm naming my clinic """"Bitches get Stitches.""""
"
40897,"Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
"
116768,"Hey do y'all wanna hear a political joke? Donald Trump!
"
121930,"I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you, Smiling You know what's coming next.. It's your turn to do the laundry
"
69279,"What has 16 legs and speaks german? Doppelspider
"
146902,"I don't need stress management, I just need less stress to manage.
"
230606,"A magician was driving down a street... then suddenly he turned into a driveway.
"
72002,"What do you call the surgical procedure for a female to male sex change? An Addadicktome.
"
210323,"I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
"
162120,"What do Sea Monsters eat? Fish and Ships.
"
116337,"A gay guy wants a tattoo of truck on his penis... Tattoo artist asks """"What kind of truck do you want on it?"""" Gay guy says """"It better be a 4x4 cause it's going to get muddy.""""
"
155177,"Did you hear about the woman who used a fake name and married a renown psychologist? She committed Frued. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.
"
95640,"Folks call me a stillborn egg Cause' I'm never getting laid!
"
100164,"Why was the owl afraid of Raidoactivity Because it was made of Hootonium
"
48917,"A famous pornstar died yesterday. My penis was at half-mast.
"
98344,"Marriage Law ! If you marry one girl, She will fight with you ! If you marry more, They will fight for you !
"
20082,"When Jedi need to read PDFs, they use Adobe Wan Kenobi.
"
10229,"What is it called when a thief steals a purse, runs into the street, then gets run over? *Car*ma
"
73437,"A son runs up to his dad Son: Dad, I'm gay! Dad: Son, I fucked your mother. Son: ... Dad: ... Son: What the fuck? Dad: What? I thought we were saying things that were obvious.
"
113236,"""""He's gone too far."""" """"He crossed the line between science & ethics."""" """"He's playing God."""" -reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
"
48342,"I queued up for ages to get cod earlier... ...but they sold out, so I got a battered sausage instead.
"
132359,"When I see one of those student driver cars, I always honk a lot and yell, """"You're doing great!"""" I think they appreciate the encouragement.
"
18327,"What do you call a Scottish parrot ? A Macaw !
"
213727,"You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans That's crossing the border.
"
133522,"Why are there so few female politicians? It's hard to put makeup on two faces.
"
40396,"What do you call a dyslexic insomniac philosopher? A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
"
52357,"Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
"
181278,"Psychic: reads my mind My mind: waelcome to my kitchennnnnn.... We have bananis...... And avocadi
"
171594,"It is not a middle finger It is my unicorn fist
"
5308,"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
"
84220,"Why do cows have bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.
"
132417,"Forest fires always think my jokes are hilarious But it's probably just because they're blazing trees
"
113001,"Newton's Third Law of Emotion For every male action, there is a female overreaction
"
77552,"*brings whipped cream to bed* Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new? Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
"
46167,"The minimum wage in Canada is 9 compliments an hour
"
107195,"Global warming can reduce terrorism because the isis melting.
"
10617,"You know you are successful when ... Girls from school who ignored you on facebook back in the day all of a sudden want to add you on linkedin.
"
118680,"What do you get if you cross a radio music presenter with Match of the Day ? DDDDDDDDDDDDDJ !
"
20604,"Worst things the parents do on Home Alone: 3. Never punish Buzz 2. Forget one of their kids 1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
"
135198,"Did you hear about Kurt Cobain's new album? He did a cover of The Wall by Pink Floyd
"
101286,"Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you're making me pitch a tent.
"
23205,"On the way into work I dropped my doughnut on the sidewalk. You read about these things, but never think it'll happen to you.
"
155071,"Have you ever tried Nigerian food? Neither have they.
"
183347,"A good comedian is like a good dictatorship. Consistent in their execution.
"
134594,"I'm really sick of the """"ebola cereal"""" joke... I'm pretty sure that's the last thing you'll find in Africa.
"
180741,"How do you sum up a cashew? In a nutshell!
"
139691,"Did you guys hear about the sequel of """"To Kill a Mockingbird""""? It's called... """"The Murder of Crows""""
"
226659,"Special thanks to my dictionary for explaining the definition of """"many"""" It means a lot.
"
165503,"What do you get when you goose a ghost? You get a lot of sheet.
"
95275,"Customer: I'd like to try on that bathing suit in your front window. Saleswoman: I'm sorry, ma'am, but you'll have to use the dressing room.
"
191724,"*notices wife has 5 asparagus on her plate while I only have 4* everything ok? """"fine"""" [hour later during car ride home] you're speeding
"
171353,"Why did god give Women legs? So they didn't leave slug trails. My father told me that when I was 8 years old.
"
200990,"You know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship? It's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.
"
8990,"If you call someone from America American and someone from Mexico Mexican what do you call someone from Tibet? Chinese
"
103036,"Why do people dislike going to the dentist? Because he is boring.
"
171835,"Tonight I was Attacked by 4-5 Terrorists . They were in Car with full loaded Guns. But thanks god I wake up.
"
168134,"What's squawky, worn out, and falls from foot easily? An old shoe... ...and Ronda Rousey
"
47595,"What do you call a constipated German? *Farfrompoopin*
"
151490,"Why is Halloween a crackheads' favourite holiday? Only two more sleeps til' Christmas!
"
130724,"Hey Mom, I hate tomato soup... Mom: Shut up, you only have it once a month!
"
126403,"True story: 5 year old me was asked by a backhoe operator, """"Hey Buddy, you wanna drive one of these when you grow up?"""" """"No, my Dad wants me to go to college""""
"
27161,"What's the difference between a seal and a sealion? An electron
"
57460,"*hires skywriter Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
"
150513,"""""What's math?"""" - people who give 110%
"
83780,"With the brexit news, they say the pound is failing. They're calling it the ounce, now.
"
189892,"The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship """"I apologize"""" and """"You are right.""""
"
220867,"Mind Blown. Girls=Time and Money Because Time=Money Girls=Money (squared) Since Money is the root of all evil square root the squared Money Therefore Girls=Root of all evil
"
37370,"What's a tents favorite kind of meat? Stakes
"
68636,"sex while camping? Now that's fucking in tents.
"
183458,"I was at the inventor of the USB stick's funeral yesterday..... They lowered his coffin into the ground, then raised it back up, turned it around, and lowered it back down again.
"
67068,"Life Tip: Do not treat your woman like an object. It hates that.
"
23934,"If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I'm sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.
"
105433,"How do you make holy water? You boil the hell outta it
"
78379,"How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but how in the hell did they get in there?
"
161487,"Why couldn't the boarder throw out his collection of potted ferns? They were his best fronds.
"
127812,"Love' is picking up tampons at the supermarket for your girlfriend. True love' is inserting them.
"
120079,"Sorry I said your cat was ugly. Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
"
156983,"I don't care what everyone says, I think my Jersey Shore hairstyle makes me look sophisticated.
"
220298,"Police Officer: Do you speak English? Jose: Yes. Police Officer: Where are you from? Jose: Yes
"
368,"Why was pregnant Cinderella late to the ball? Miscarriage
"
218285,"Guys, how can you tell the girl your having sex with is faking an orgasm? Who cares.
"
95153,"Scroll Scroll Scroll your phone, gently down the screen. Merilly Merrily Merrily Merrily MY GOD THAT'S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
"
97249,"What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? One is a little heavier and the other is a little lighter.
"
102992,"Yo mama is so dumb..... That she shakes her baby when she reads the orange juice label.
"
127501,"What's the worst part about watching porn? ... The climax is always the same.
"
226142,"Why does North Korea have the highest literacy rate? Because Kim Jong-un is supreme reader!
"
8851,"My Grandfather was one of those Unorthodox Jews. He was a Nazi.
"
153695,"Hitman: Hey what's up Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again
"
194343,"Why does tigger have no friends? Because he plays with pooh.
"
177782,"I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. 'That woolly one looks like a fist' I say, as Jack punches me again.
"
59953,"We changed our dog's name to Dad. Because he kept running away
"
14863,"The way to end up $1 Million using the stock market LEGIT invest 10 million into it
"
206176,"Hey girl are you from Tennessee? Because you look like your parents are related.
"
172294,"The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
"
95040,"You know how Hitler picked up hot Jewish girls? With a broom and dust pan.
"
208775,"Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
"
151569,"What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
"
144377,"For $11, you can come to my house and watch me shave. The plot is a little weak, but the 3D effects are amazing.
"
64395,"A woman was battered over breakfast ...it was waffle :(
"
187172,"Waiter Waiter there's a fly in my ice-cream ! Gee I did not know that they had started winter sports so early in the year !
"
140634,"Why are girls so odd? they can't even
"
220260,"I went to an adrenaline junkie camping retreat. It was in tents.
"
68369,"The teacher took away the kids rubber-band gun.. Because it was a weapon of math disruption.
"
224100,"What's the difference between my GoPro and my girlfriend? I wouldn't spend hours looking for my girlfriend at a ski resort if I lost her on the mountain.
"
55679,"How do you make a starfish shine? Drop it in sparkling water.
"
211038,"What is Donald Trump's favourite song? Another brick in the wall
"
179532,"My new year's resolution is that donuts have no calories.
"
142640,"People tend to put their faith in a higher power. But to me that's just a primitive solution.
"
18571,"Damn girl , are you a TV ?? Because you got all eyes on you !
"
7086,"What did the Buffalo say to his son that was leaving for College? Bison
"
105703,"What do you call a comic book hero that is constantly hooked on having sex with female superheroes? A heroine addict.
"
213431,"I think self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
"
58845,"Have you ever heard of the international feline butt scratching award? . I hear it's a catastrophe
"
205532,"Why do optometrists enjoy nautical jokes? They have a good sense of aqueous humor.
"
168429,"9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there's no wifi
"
77788,"2 guys walk into a bar.. The third one ducked.
"
89140,"Why are Saudis so behind on current events? Because they live under Iraq.
"
139381,"There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary and those who don't.
"
137267,"Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
"
116409,"What does a nosey pepper do? Get Jalapeno business.
"
53613,"A man walks into a doctors office A man walks into a doctors office and says Man: """"Doctor, Doctor! I have 5 penises!!"""" Doctor: """"That's amazing! How do your pants fit?!"""" Man: """"Like a glove.""""
"
11385,"[phone rings in 1984] """"Eric get the phone"""" Hello? """"Tell em I'm not home."""" She's not home. """"Ask who it is."""" My mom wants to know who this is.
"
134604,"What's the difference between a chicken and a pussy? A chicken is easier to eat if you bone it first.
"
50851,"Whats an Australian Kiss? (nsfw-ish) It's like a French kiss, but down under.
"
158220,"When your phone is wet, put it in a bag of rice ...the rice will attract Asians, and they will proceed to fix your phone.
"
67529,"You pick up the phone: """"Hello, this is the IRS..""""
"
204273,"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay 300 dollars to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
"
143533,"""""Doctors report a new super effective painkiller."""" Its axed shaped for splitting headaches!
"
63200,"My wife left me due to my obsession for classical music.. I hope she takes me Bach
"
148738,"What type of dog did the tweaker have? A pure bred meth lab.
"
853,"What did the old maid get the vasaline for? 84 cents. Joke by my grandfather
"
142736,"So I finally found a girl that swallows... But she's bulimic so it really doesn't count.
"
218852,"Batteries I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
"
193190,"Professor X walks into a bar &gt;:)
"
1737,"Just overheard the phrase, """"pregnant with a baby,"""" and secretly wondered what the other options were.
"
47338,"Starting to reconsider the Supreme Court decision... what are these lesbian newlyweds going to do with all the sandwiches they make if they always eat out?
"
112940,"I bet you guys want to hear a joke about my penis. Nevermind, it's pretty long.
"
7808,"Cheating at a limbo contest.... that's about as low as you can get!
"
91383,"Racist jokes my dad told me Whats the difference between a black guy and a pizza A pizza can feed a family
"
65779,"What does a grumpy sheep say at Christmas? ...Baaaaaahumbug
"
33474,"What did the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants say? """"Argh it's driving me nuts!""""
"
181986,"The Nathan's hot dog eating contest should contain one poisoned hot dog mixed in with the other hot dogs
"
210955,"What's the first step to throwing a space party? You planet.
"
176206,"I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they're trying to catch her.
"
86738,"Next big terrorist attack I was going to tell a joke about the next horrific terrorist attack, but it's too soon.
"
151731,"if i could rearrange the alphabet i'd put """"u"""" at the beginning and """"i"""" at the end. i want a divorce karen
"
205851,"""""WHAT?!"""" - a dinosaur that just found out what cars run on
"
50368,"If a man and a woman get married in Tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced... Are they still brother and sister?
"
28780,"What do you call a person with no nose or body? Nobody nose!
"
189962,"My son donates his hair to charity & people are all, """"Sweet."""" I donate the people in my basement's & people are all, """"We have a warrant!""""
"
130121,"What do you call a bus driver who helps old people and parents with children on and off the bus? A stand up driver.
"
95154,"The CEO of Comcast dies and goes to heaven...
"
52912,"If you're heartbroken, remember: There are plenty of fish in the sea. But I'd advise giving mankind another chance first.
"
12461,"""""Do you know why I pulled you over?"""" """"You thought I'd like your pretty lights?"""" """"Recite the alphabet backwards"""" """"I can't even do that sober""""
"
158959,"why wasn't the chicken able to cross the road because it was disabled
"
32781,"What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you're gay
"
56511,"I just bought an answering machine and it doesn't work. Or maybe I'm just asking it the wrong questions.
"
68348,"What did the frog say to his girlfriend while she was giving him a handjob? Rubbit, Rubbit!
"
160662,"What do you get when you cross a Sith Lord, and a Donkey? Darth Mule! A joke, from third grade me... Happy Star Wars day!
"
198789,"What kind of fruit always has a wedding_ A cantaloupe.....
"
194756,"I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA!
"
197780,"What's Irish and stays on your back porch all year? Patty O'Furniture
"
48001,"This is incredible Nothing has been reposted here all year!
"
217876,"I think I'm finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
"
168170,"How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss?
"
94938,"What do you call a kid with no arms and legs and severe Down syndrome? Names
"
136774,"It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
"
171107,"I'd rather watch a 3D video of my conception than watch one episode of The Real Housewives.
"
184178,"Why can't Elvis Presley drive? 'Cause he's dead.
"
100016,"How are children like slinkies? It's fun to toss them down stairs.
"
103564,"What did the necktie say to the hat? I'll hang around here, you go on ahead.
"
147794,"Nothing is more dangerous than a woman """"gathering her thoughts"""".
"
89982,"I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride.
"
20895,"1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning. 1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.
"
99491,"WINNIE THE POOH: There's a rumbly in my tumbly ME: Use regular words you half naked glutton
"
123043,"What's the best Brokemon? Ayyyyyyy, brah.
"
63249,"Why do mermaids wear seashells for a bra? Because """"B"""" shells would be too small!
"
129626,"850: Number of nukes Sarah Palin would have dropped on North Carolina in the last few hours if she were President. #korea
"
223855,"Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights. However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts
"
53867,"How did hipster kid hurt himself? He touched the stove before it was cool...
"
40819,"4pm Me: How was school today? Kid: ... 6pm Me: Do anything fun today? Kid: ... Bedtime Me: Goodnight! Kid: Guess what happened at school?
"
25424,"[at restaurant] """"check, please!"""" [waiter leans over] sir, again, there are no monsters under the table """"ok....goodnight"""" wait what
"
60238,"I'm not real good about sharing my feelings unless I hate you.
"
166270,"What's brown and very bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.
"
66715,"My name is Forrest! I constantly hear Forrest Gump jokes, ever since I can remember they've been the same ones, and I want to hear something original! Work your magic reddit!
"
44065,"How did Helen Keller discover masturbation? She tried to read her own lips.
"
214737,"did you know if you throw a baby at a random group of people someone will always catch it so far
"
57759,"Reddit is really a green community, considering all the recycled content on here.
"
127916,"""""I totally nailed that guy"""" - Roman soldiers
"
114644,"You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
"
56019,"Using a cellphone in 90's: """"he's prob a drug dealer"""" Using a payphone today: """"he's prob a drug dealer""""
"
34158,"Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
"
932,"why did hitler commit suicide? Because he saw the gas bill (Thanks nofx)
"
122133,"I got the opportunity to taste some Wookiee steak today It was a little Chewie.
"
145089,"Sure, I'll spend $5 on a cup of coffee, but I draw the line at paying 44c to have someone travel 3000 miles to hand deliver a letter for me.
"
220074,"What happened when the cannibal ate a minister? He got a taste of religion.
"
196288,"[first date] HER: Do you have any hobbies? ME: Yes! Wait, did you say """"hobbits""""? HER: No, hobbies ME: Oh, then no
"
123062,"A son asks his dad: """"Do you remember your first blowjob?"""" - The father answers: """"Yes, son!"""" The boy asks: """"How did it taste?""""
"
27245,"What's innuendo? It's Italian for """"suppository"""".
"
7810,"How do pigs talk? Swine language
"
204702,"5 minutes into America's Got Talent and I learned we don't have talent, we have a bunch of delusional idiots that don't want real jobs.
"
195144,"Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition... ...and discovered that he'd gravely misunderstood the objective.
"
100051,"My girlfriend refused to make a porno with me.. saying there are enough vine stars already
"
151478,"i was baptized in a car wash
"
101579,"Be wary about dating a female that pronounces the letter H silent Especially when she tells you that all she wants is happiness.
"
142795,"Girl walks into a bar... ...and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he GAVE it to her.
"
149685,"So I checked into a nihilist hotel, and asked for turndown service. The clerk at the reception looked at me wearily and responded: """"Turndown? What for?""""
"
161749,"An American doctor who contracted Ebola is said to be getting better. The bad news is he's getting better at contracting the Ebola virus.
"
47529,"Hillary could be the first F----- president. I would have said female, but someone deleted the emale.
"
64865,"What does Trumps Hair and a Thong have in common..? They both barely cover the asshole.
"
161553,"What do you call a camel with 3 humps? Pregnant Dad joke courtesy of my child
"
86665,"Some say Blair Walsh tried to commit suicide... ...but it went wide left. Being a Vikings fan is painful
"
115400,"Don't you hate it when you're running on a treadmill and then your butt gets really itchy and then you over-share on the internet?
"
607,"A sadist and a masochist meet The masochist starts pleading, """"Hit me! Please hit me!"""" The sadist looks at him, smiles, and calmly replies, """"No.""""
"
110206,"Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident Cop: you're under arrest. I'm taking you to jail Me: let's take my car
"
85870,"I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
"
228159,"If you use a lighter on a cigar, a man will smoke for a day If you use a lighter on a man, he'll smoke for the rest of his life.
"
85735,"CW:my husband doesn't understand me at all. What about yours? Me:I wouldn't know... I don't talk to him about you...
"
26249,"My religious, conservative upbringing taught me that poor people are lazy and the rich are giving. Real life taught me the opposite.
"
231576,"Why are most reactionists black? Because stealing is the only thing they can do.
"
202592,"""""What do you do in your free time? """" """"I stalk. """" """"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes"""" """"I know."""".
"
172915,"Q: How do you catch an orange elephant? A: I don't know. I've never seen an orange elephant.
"
68909,"Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection - except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
"
24441,"What do you need to perform a fair test in a mental asylum? A control freak.
"
9577,"I will punch you in the face. OK not really - but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
"
180163,"So they were going to make a new CSI tv show in West Virginia... But they had to scrap production when they realized there were no dental records and all the DNA was the same.
"
76875,"With the recent events in the news... My Facebook friends list is starting to look like the French revolution.
"
178187,"Me: Phone a friend Judge: That's not how this works
"
171261,"TIL Redditors are easy to fool.
"
178371,"Whenever I meet someone for the first time, I avoid telling Titanic jokes because they're terrible at breaking the ice.
"
16095,"What did the mama bullet say to the papa bullet? We're going to have a BB!
"
10484,"The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
"
99276,"Dog Joak! FIRSED PART OF JOAK: how manny dogs does it take to scroo up a lite bulb? SECKENED PART OF JOAK: it dipends how you pyle the bodys.
"
125703,"why did the bird-shit did not fall on the man standing under the tree right under the parrot? the bird was wearing underpants.
"
12529,"How do you call a judge that only gives innocent veredicts because he gave up on law school and knows nothing? a quitter.
"
123395,"Mom, have you seen my turtle? Your friends took it outside to play. They're cracking walnuts.
"
185588,"What's the saddest thing in the world... Dick, His family are nuts, His neighbor is an asshole, His best friend is a pussy, And his master beats him
"
77157,"Do you know what the arch enemies of skinheads are? Blackheads.
"
129981,"I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course. I saw a butterfly.
"
24993,"Who is the most trustworthy lover? Shakira. Her hips don't lie.
"
44072,"If science is so great why hasn't it invented chocolate that has negative calories?
"
192954,"I hate tacos Said no Juan ever.
"
211361,"They say not to covet which isn't too difficult as a kleptomaniac.
"
165598,"Have you heard about all the decapitations happening in the Middle East right now? I certainty won't beheading their anytime soon! -wink-
"
3337,"What did the dinosaur say after the car crash? I'msosaurus
"
68514,"Why do raindrops like lightning at night?  -So they can see where they are going
"
175423,"My interviewer kept getting annoyed at me... ...when I kept responding to each question with the same question - only in a really sarcastic way. Apparently, I don't know what a """"mock interview"""" means.
"
218404,"I've been using Vim for 5 years... Mainly because I don't know how to exit it
"
210996,"What ghost is handy in the kitchen? A recipe spook.
"
25155,"Us guys like to be held too. Just, you know, lower. Lowwwwwerrrrrrrr.
"
80624,"""""I'm not that kind of girl."""" ~That kind of girl
"
172891,"I don't think I have a drinking problem I find it incredibly easy to drink!
"
67768,"Why is a pensioners vagina like a pork pie? Because you have to bite off the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat.
"
20698,"What did the porn star put at the end of their resume? Sexual references.
"
122114,"What's the difference between a Boko Haram training camp and a Nigerian refugee camp? I don't know, I just fly the fighter jet.
"
117575,"Every grocery store has free samples if you're quick enough
"
228,"Some people say Glenn Frey got pneumonia from the cold... But that can't be true because he said the Heat is On.
"
150894,"""""Put your pants on grandma, you're scaring the reptiles!"""" - Me, camping
"
203716,"Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably sh!t.
"
145805,"What do you can a pessimistic antelope? A cantaloupe
"
99450,"Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? A: 'cuz they ain't got balls to scratch!
"
47127,"The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down...and that's when things got interesting.
"
194025,"Google is now filtering out Holocaust denier websites from searches Now we will nazi those results.
"
18995,"When I stay at a man's house that I want to see again I always """"accidentally"""" lose something there, like my phone, my  sweater, or my dignity.
"
148577,"Hat did one prick say to the other prick? Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts!
"
220517,"Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as 'supper' so obviously it wasn't going to work out in the end.
"
175982,"Q: What's another name for the """"Intel Inside""""  sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.
"
162031,"[pulls into taco bell drive thru] Hi, I'd like enough tacos to forget 2016
"
219138,"What language do bugs in the Middle East speak? Scarabic
"
15593,"What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel  a poodle and a rooster? A cockerpoodlemoo!
"
170596,"What is the leading cause of dry skin? Bath towels...
"
209471,"Did you see the awful story about a triple amputee dog the other day? Poor pup. They said he was on his last leg.
"
82003,"What do you have when you are having second thoughts about your booking on Native American land? Reservation reservation reservations.
"
229255,"Have you ever heard a Carthaginian ambulance? Dido, Dido, Dido, Dido, Dido!
"
26457,"Santa Hates Blonds Why did the blond slap Santa? He kept saying """"Ho Ho Ho"""" *dum roll - rim slap*
"
59556,"Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
"
118993,"Shouting """"wahoo"""" instead of """"woo-hoo"""" so everyone in this bar knows that I'm into fun AND sport fishing.
"
36152,"I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
"
122192,"What's the most sensitive part of your body after you masturbate? Your sense of guilt
"
44213,"What's the cheapest type of meat? Deer balls, They're under a buck!
"
186968,"Mr. Belichick how do you feel about these accusations against your organization? Deflated.
"
230031,"I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.
"
9687,"Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!
"
16143,"You said clothes were 50% off But not one woman in here is topless That false advertising!
"
218596,"What do mathematicians get if they stare at the roots of negative numbers for too long? Square eyes
"
220060,"What food reduces a couple's sex life by 90%? Wedding cake
"
113886,"how do you wake lady gaga up? poke her face
"
226004,"What did one testicle say to the other? """"Hey I hear your neighbor's a real dick""""
"
18574,"whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i'll hack into their security cameras real fast [types """"job openings"""" into google]
"
167529,"Don't you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
"
159459,"Apple announced a breast implant that plays music... The iTit is considered a major social break through since women have always complained that men stare at their breasts but never listen to them.
"
9789,"I was going to make a joke about that bus that rolled over and killed the driver and 9 passengers... But there's no pun in ten dead.
"
158838,"I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
"
156927,"Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN! Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix. Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...
"
89641,"The first rule of Alzheimer's club, Is don't talk about Chess club.
"
94790,"4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money? Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don't they just steal the stuff? She's a criminal mastermind.
"
108742,"What do you call a jewish pokemon trainer? Ash
"
8684,"What do you call a woman who misses her period? Fucked
"
198755,"I like my coffee how I like my employees Free and Black (I know this joke is around but I feel like this is the best wording) Don't downvote because it's racist, it's still a joke
"
119434,"Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone's food and suddenly they don't want you to cook for them anymore
"
139720,"If Wednesday is hump day... Would that make Tuesday foreplay day?
"
28797,"Attention people who aren't employees: you should wash your fucking hands too.
"
70172,"Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can. Sincerely, spiders
"
207618,"Having to explain a joke is like dissecting a frog Sure, everyone will understand it a bit better; but the frogs never quiet the same.
"
133497,"Why is it called the """"funny bone"""" when you hit your elbow on something and it tingles? Because it's humerus.
"
98711,"7 out of 10 people believe in Life after death. The other 3 don't even like cereal.
"
190838,"You are so tall in my eyes that they can't rise higher than your waist.
"
74865,"Defense attorneys are just like porn stars. Their only job is to get you off.
"
110122,"Why does Oregon Ducks need such big suitcases? Because they Pac-12 of everything
"
204381,"Microsoft Office Stolen Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word
"
120812,"I know someone who talks like an owl
"
110185,"A sadist and a masochist are talking. The masochist says, """"Hit me!"""" The sadist says, """"No.""""
"
96894,"Whats black and doesn't work ? Decaf Coffee ..... you fucking racist.
"
30627,"I'm on the fermented barley diet... and I've never felt better.
"
62932,"BALD FLEAS Q; What do you call two fleas on top of a bald head? A: Homeless.
"
187879,"What's long and black? The unemployment line.
"
220616,"How do you spell a hated opponent with three letters? NME (enemy).
"
123409,"The interesting thing about the Royal wedding is ... ..... exactly ....
"
75664,"Why was the lions stomach enormous? Because he finally swallowed his pride
"
161458,"He was like, 'We're all slowly dying' So I was like, 'WRONG' and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
"
85263,"It's hot as balls today. And by """"balls"""" I mean """"testicles"""".
"
97152,"I told my girlfriend that I am over my ex... I don't have to feel guilty anymore.
"
19010,"Knock, knock..(my 8 year old told me this) Knock, knock Who's there? Anna Anna who? Anna one, Anna two
"
192405,"I don't worry about Friday the 13th. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
"
106640,"Why didn't the bicycle cross the road? ...he was two-tired...
"
65445,"Men are like Bluetooth. When they're close they're connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.
"
307,"My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So whenever someone says """"I can't see"""" I can be like """"here, let Jesus light the path""""
"
19880,"Just dropped my iPhone in the bath tub. I think it's syncing.
"
111642,"I love doing crunches. *crunches Doritos* *crunches popcorn*
"
59288,"""""My wife is like Whiskey."""" """"Oh yeah, she gets better with age?"""" """"No, she gives me a headache.""""
"
191821,"My nephew is in the 'why' phase of his life as a 6 year old... and I told him 'Because it feels nice and you're an unreliable witness!'
"
45544,"""""With people now being able to decide their own gender, how do you feel about people who identify as household appliances?"""" """"I'm certainly not a big fan.""""
"
161229,"Why can't I think of a word that means something really good or really bad depending on how you use it in a sentence? Fuck!
"
113231,"A battery murdered another battery He was charged with murder and put in a duracell.
"
83149,"Why isn't Spiderman in the Avengers? Because a black widow has no husband.
"
150587,"Pretty soon you'll be able to get married online, instead of saying """"I do"""" you will have to click """"I agree to these terms and conditions.""""
"
103656,"Say what you will about hitler... At least he killed 6 million Jews
"
132436,"What do you call a reptile that likes to start fights The Insti-Gator
"
79063,"Sometimes when your sad, no one cares. Sometimes when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time.
"
130066,"What's the difference between a woman kneeling in prayer and a woman kneeling in a bathtub? a woman kneeling in prayer has hope in her soul.
"
23201,"Have you heard my joke about construction? I'm still working on it
"
222492,"I think salads help you lose weight because they're gross and you end up not eating them
"
137318,"Big news! Obama read my tweets and appointed me Secretary of Swagriculture
"
220028,"What did the hippy say when I told him to get off my couch? Namaste
"
160335,"How much is the bare minimum? 1 bear.
"
177077,"What do you call people that you hate? Clouds, because once they are gone it's a beautiful day.
"
187576,"Q: How do Chinese people name their babies? A: They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make.
"
10856,"The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild * sleeps in middle of bed
"
71949,"So I heard Lena Dunham has a new show coming out... It's called Sister, Sister.
"
112216,"Corny computer jokes? Why was the spider inside the Computer? He was looking for a webpage!
"
28446,"What do you call an unused piano? A keybored
"
111595,"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off
"
207054,"Husband: Let's talk about it when we're not tired and cranky. Me: So, in like 18 years?
"
179530,"Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
"
21965,"How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know... I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one.
"
45012,"An ex-military veterinarian who specializes in animals wounded in war... is a Vet Vet for Vet Pets
"
142863,"What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion? A cat-ass-trophy.
"
213920,"What did the baker say after he found the dough he had lost? That's just what I kneaded!
"
210912,"What do you call it when 2 guys fight over a slut? Tug-of-whor
"
63668,"Crap. They didn't cancel this morning's meeting. I wore my suit to bed inside out for nothing.
"
184719,"Help! I've been canned with preserved fruits! I guess you could say I'm in a jam.
"
90721,"Why do mice have such small balls? Because so very few mice know how to dance...
"
216075,"Where was the Magna Carta signed ? At the bottom !
"
55941,"Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?
"
210696,"I formed a band with my therapy group. It was fun for a while, but we couldn't make it big. Our album 'Appetite for Self-Destruction' didn't do well with the critics.
"
178835,"The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
"
60917,"""""You should only have to tell them once"""" - People with no children
"
38592,"Are the UK banning the export of cheese? I keep hearing on the radio about cheddar vans not being allowed overseas
"
152521,"Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
"
127568,"A woman said to me, """"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Brad Pitt?"""" I said, """"No, nobody."""" She said, """"They've clearly never seen The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.""""
"
184364,"The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
"
78857,"I can't understand Undertale. It doesn't make sans.
"
34940,"So Cheech Marin plays golf now, which is appropriate Because what's more Mexican than sweating balls on a freshly-mowed lawn with a bag full of weapons?
"
119182,"Winter... The only time of year when 8-12 inches is used to describe something white. (Up North)
"
177701,"It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman's shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you're at Walmart... I know that now
"
51234,"A wife is like a hand grenade... remove the ring and your house is gone!
"
75854,"When life gives you AIDS... Make lemonAIDS
"
68123,"This Subreddit.
"
5385,"What do you call a jew who works at a brewery? A he brew.
"
203858,"A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg. Apparently the answer is Chicken. (Edit: Typo)
"
123247,"I shot a Black Man the other day I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.
"
82816,"No no, I'm not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
"
138716,"Your forehead is so big you donated it to charity for shelter!
"
67979,"If I ever have a daughter I am naming her Everest. That way her boyfriends can say they Mount Everest.
"
219772,"What's the worst way to reply to an """"I Love You"""" ?
"
154433,"My church says to treat my body like a temple. And let all the priests inside.
"
73035,"I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
"
217053,"Why couldn't the retarded man talk normally? He was trying to hold the door
"
223518,"7 is asleep, 8 is on his iPad, and 12 is all like """"hey dad, why don't you remember our names""""
"
119034,"I can't stand people who are indirect You know who you are
"
211279,"Donald Trump's Vice President... ...Charlie Sheen, cause they will be Winning!
"
114783,"What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot you racists.
"
19780,"I'm jealous of people who have more than one ab.
"
3038,"Setting up a Moses business would be simple except for one setback... Staff problems.
"
191427,"Yo momma's so fat ...that the city of Dublin was named after her daily weight gain.
"
164896,"Barry? Yes Joe Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we'd eat at the Pizza Hut in France No Joe *Biden slams fist* THIS IS BULLSHIT
"
139094,"I think when shit hits the fan you really should rethink why and where you have that fan.
"
133341,"To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
"
112602,"How did Chuck Norris solve the dwindling oil reserves problem? Ctrl - C, Ctrl - V
"
116563,"The bartender says, """"We don't serve time travelers here."""" A time traveler walks into a bar.
"
202297,"Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you're saying.
"
196538,"President Putin say's he is doing everything he can to wipe out Aids Researchers. (What too soon?)
"
4582,"Whats better than winning gold at the paralympics? Having legs.....
"
201817,"What's it called when you jizz on a Spanish woman's face? Nutella.
"
38475,"What did Picasso and Smurfette have in common? Both had blue periods.
"
83538,"this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don't know who's winning
"
206085,"BABY: WAAAAAAA- ME: Shhhh, it's okay. BABY: -AAAAAAAA- ME: shhhh.... BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI! ME: wtf BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
"
16136,"I built a lighthouse... but it blew away.
"
164953,"Why did the bees go on strike ? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers !
"
23269,"I might invent a new beer, call it """"Occasionally"""". When people ask if I drink, I can say I drink Occasionally' this way they won't think i'm an alcoholic.
"
19243,"Why do women watch porn films until the end? To see if they get married
"
183918,"What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts What do you call nuts on a chin? A dick in your mouth
"
156228,"(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane) 5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN'T STRONG & HE'LL DIE SOON RIGHT
"
96941,"Monica Lewinsky's favorite Green Bay Packer? Clinton-Dix
"
7825,"The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn't bargain on """"bankrupt"""" being an option.
"
196847,"What do ISIS and cats have in common? They're both a bunch of pussies. Credit to Stephen Colbert.
"
125977,"Why can't an Italian snake talk? Because it doesn't have any hands.
"
149730,"Why did the Red sea not find a good husband? because she was too shallow.
"
177560,"wher did the waitress work IHOP
"
211106,"Puts an """"I love Daddy"""" shirt on my kids until they're old enough to read.
"
69586,"I found out my wife was cheating on me so I divorced her. She's no longer my Mrs Take. She's my Ms Take
"
13805,"Girls call me the Burgermeister Meisterburger... After they get with me, they throw away all their toys.
"
55345,"What do you call an elephant that flies ? A jumbo jet !
"
109106,"Wife: (shouting) Stop watching porn.. ... I can hear it in the kitchen Husband:I'm not, it's Sharapova vs Serena... I'm watching tennis
"
56802,"What happens to a frogs car when it is parked illegally? It gets toad away
"
11083,"I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
"
59910,"[iphone vibrates] 3yo: daddy someone is texting you [landline phone rings] 3yo: what is that sound?
"
176426,"Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
"
156141,"What do Jewish kids say to their Christian friends at Christmas? Sorry we killed your saviour, can we play with his new toys.
"
197,"What's a snakes favourite dance ? The mamba !
"
191003,"If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I'm nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
"
397,"Why the gills in the sea don't drink tea even though there is plenty of water That will make them all guill tea!
"
152151,"Qui-gon: You will give me the parts Watto: I'm immune to mind tricks Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers? Watto: I will give you the parts
"
82571,"I've just bought a car that parks itself. Oh really? And where it is? I have no fucking idea.
"
36346,"My 5 year old just ended a phone call with """"I gotta jump, Daddy. I'm out."""" And now everyone in my house is officially cooler than me.
"
182719,"What's pink and hard? The Financial Times crossword puzzle
"
99642,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get hit by a car because Trump won.
"
76801,"I was gonna make a chemistry joke Then i realized all the good ones argon.
"
112537,"Where did Susie go during the bombing? Everywhere.
"
79138,"Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess snails make? Credit to Oney in [this](http://youtu.be/lZWJKhLe6wo?t=7m46s) for that one.
"
46081,"Just had to re-watch the Rousey v Nunes fight... Because it finished before I did
"
72320,"Did you guys see the new Mad Max prequel? It was playing on every channel last night
"
224512,"Man plus woman Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
"
219435,"Doctor Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film! Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.
"
57468,"I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet But I don't know why...
"
196971,"i get ignored so much my name should be terms and conditions
"
220268,"That awkward moment when... When Mars has more water than California...
"
167448,"If you're happy and you know it, you're self aware!
"
164974,"Heard about the fruit that became a president? He got impeached.
"
195578,"Did you hear about the guy who went for the world fapping record? He almost pulled it off.
"
79029,"If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter
"
209725,"Someone asked where I'm from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, """"Like That '70s Show!"""" and I clarified, """"More like Making a Murderer.""""
"
151252,"I think my virginity has grown back.
"
80710,"What do nazis eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles
"
100585,"What did Ghost A say to Ghost B? Nothing because ghosts don't exist. Edit:Holy crap I just realized I didn't post this on /r/antijokes.
"
129768,"My wife and I recently became feminists But since I'm a guy I'm a little better at it than she is.
"
204738,"I met a dwarf the other day He was a pretty down to earth guy.
"
147364,"[getting out of prison after 10 years] GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
"
18322,"I just put a girl in the hospital. I'm in charge of hiring new nurses.
"
145846,"Dont be afraid of change, its inevitable. Unless youre homeless. Then you might have to go around asking for it. By the way, I dont have any
"
212792,"""""But I can't conquer China, it's way too big..."""" Now Genghis, what do I always say? *Sighs* """"I'm Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan't""""
"
94025,"What happens when Fonzie doesn't fold his clothes after doing laundry? His shirts get all winkly.
"
192463,"They say the average man thinks about sex every 6 seconds That's why I try to eat hotdogs in 5
"
26041,"It's about time I talked to the boy about the birds and the bees. If memory serves, it's the stork that delivers and the swallow receives?
"
222520,"I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.
"
140701,"My Grandfather died in the holocaust... ...he got drunk and fell off a watch tower. I remember NOFX said this when I went to see them can't take credit.
"
185512,"""""I hate this quilt."""" - my wife, a person capable of hating a quilt
"
129266,"I can't have teamwork at League of Legends because... the only people listening to my calls are the NSA.
"
26442,"[team tryouts] Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park. Jimmy: Thanks Coach! Coach: This is tennis.
"
167743,"How do you disappoint a redditor? &lt;removed&gt;
"
161997,"The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
"
24752,"I just got a great new lab coat! The meat was pretty good too.
"
184234,"What do you get when you cross a bridge with a car? You get to the other side.
"
73746,"The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job
"
533,"Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
"
2359,"I think it's time I throw away my fleshlight My masturbation is getting a little out of hand.
"
173566,"Pete Carrol has kidney stone complications. It should have been removed by surgery.... (wait for it).... But he decided to try to pass it.
"
101557,"Why did Hitler kill himself? The gas bill was too high.
"
7053,"I can tell a train has been through here recently... You know how I can tell? Cause there is its tracks.
"
82751,"We could use Thor and his hammer to solve all our energy problems... I see the headlines already """"Earth powered by Generathor"""".
"
158069,"If Pitbull wasn't famous he'd easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.
"
149686,"If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
"
60967,"A baby seal walked into a club ba dum tss
"
159723,"RT if you love puppies, rainbows or beating the shit out of strangers for not saying """"Thank You"""", after you've held the door for them.
"
169978,"What do you call that useless bit of skin around the vagina? The woman.
"
117260,"What did the scientist say to his hot assistant? """"There's only gonna be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus.""""
"
158842,"What's the best thing about twenty nine year olds? There's 20 of them
"
47836,"What do you get your girlfriend for Valentines Day? A box of chocolate, flowers and a dildo. So if she doesn't like the chocolate and flowers she can go fuck herself.
"
69890,"Me: I won't be in due to a VOLCANO Boss: ..we live, in Florida..? Me: IRRELEVANT Boss: Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
"
128996,"Why did the hamster die? He just didn't have the wheel to live.
"
95858,"What's the difference between a white guy and a pizza? A pizza doesn't shoot up a school.
"
211371,"What did the duck say to the hooker? Put it on my bill.
"
230046,"I was addicted to the hokey pokey... But I turned myself around
"
216403,"It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.
"
48093,"Not to brag, but I can still fit into my high-school girlfriend.
"
28350,"A Quebecer staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. """"Black pepper, or white pepper?"""" asked the concierge. """"Toilette pepper!"""" yelled the Quebecer.
"
42654,"What is the difference between Detroit and Cleveland? 5 years.
"
34191,"You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
"
196045,"What has big ears brings Easter treats and goes """"hippity-BOOM hippity-BOOM hippity-BOOM""""? The Easter Elephant.
"
203177,"Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn has gotten off pretty lucky... The last German who tried to gas that many people had to commit suicide!
"
114931,"This is the best day of my life! """"Why?"""" I just got 1000 comment karma! """"I don't get it, what's the joke?"""" My life, my life is the joke.
"
1987,"What do you call an Irish man who won't leave your porch? Paddy O' furniture
"
60152,"A man was molested by an Alien... ...when asked by a local reporter if he had any comment he said, """"It was out of this world.""""
"
137685,"What's the difference between a homeless and a  pizza?  A pizza can feed a family of four.
"
75982,"How do you turn a cow into a steak? You mootilate it.
"
222494,"What song did Taylor Swift write about Magic Johnson? Bad Blood.
"
28340,"My wife left me because """"I am addicted to video games"""".. I was so sad I could hardly console myself
"
1361,"A Latino shot an unarmed black man today, and everyone is in an uproar Especially the police, saying """"They took our jobs!""""
"
100452,"The movie """"Noah"""" comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.
"
66936,"""""FOUR MORE YEARS!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!..."""" - Honey Boo Boo's teachers her senior year of high school
"
88691,"What do you call a ghost in spring? April ghouls
"
127057,"5k mud runners I hate people that brag about paying $ to run a 5k race in mud. Big deal cause in Africa, that's called Wednesday.
"
228257,"Where can you go to fill all of your rhino related needs? Rhinos R Us
"
150216,"Don't ever compete against Heinz... You're always going to play catch up.
"
163551,"*writes 'amount to something' on bucket list* *crosses it out* *writes 'mount something'* Yeah. That's do-able.
"
39726,"The countdown to my sister's wedding has begun, a constant reminder that I'm just a unibrow & a showtune away from being Susan Boyle.
"
184746,"Did you hear about the sexually promiscuous deaf person? Turns out he got hearing aids.
"
70339,"Any phrase can be banalized,by adding """"if you know what I mean"""" at the end. EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean
"
130095,"What followed the dinosaur ? It's tail !
"
79907,"Why did the sorority girl add NaOH to her Frappuccino? Because she's a basic bitch.
"
130048,"What's black and blue and red all over? The dress
"
125332,"My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of """"cumin"""".
"
164616,"After watching Interstellar, I really want to buy a Lincoln.
"
175379,"My husband believes my greatest accomplishment... is his last name.
"
177538,"Did you hear about the pirates who became shoe shiners? They were s*washbuckling*!
"
122778,"Our Office Needs A 3D Printer Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies ... which he'd made on the Xerox machine.
"
152367,"Pease don't make fun of dyslexic dwarfs! It's not big and it's not clever!
"
184907,"What is the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes and the other decomposes.
"
11485,"What's the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut? About 3 weeks.
"
89577,"Did you hear about the guy who was sent to prison for poor grammar? His cellmate put his semi in his colon.
"
73869,"Tonight's forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
"
167994,"Want to hear the worst self-referential joke in the world? You just did!
"
106557,"[kids fighting in the back seat] ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON'T CUT IT OUT.
"
174309,"How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? ... you pick him up and suck his dick.
"
186488,"I wonder how long it takes a giraffe to throw up?
"
157618,"A group of sex toy manufacturers are discussing the success of their products... and they decided that only dildos had really achieved market penetration.
"
148526,"Why couldn't the tree solve the Lumberjack's riddle? He was stumped.
"
135501,"How many Donald Trumps does it take to change a lightbulb? One, he holds up the bulb and the world revolves around him
"
138674,"Hooters sucks! Feed you messy ass hot wings presented by one the hottest skimpiest dressed big boobed blonde. Its like they're daring to go to the bathroom and jack off.
"
186591,"How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just 1. It's offensive that you thought this was a joke.
"
142907,"I wish I were a Jedi. I don't want to use the Force or anything. I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
"
182489,"I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time
"
77946,"I'm surprised that more people don't shoot at the signs on Target stores.
"
37710,"Google Buzz is Facebook's estranged drug-addicted step sister who eloped with a hideously ugly rich guy named Gmail.
"
111330,"I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, """"I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?""""
"
47785,"Sexual intercourse: It's just wanking that's got out of hand.
"
199202,"I just invented a new word Plagiarism.
"
76600,"I was asked who my favorite X-Man was Apparently, Kaitlyn Jenner was an inappropriate reply.
"
75137,"I went camping last week... And oh boy, it was in tents.
"
110005,"Why couldn't Edward leave the Airport? Because he was Snowden...
"
137087,"It's expensive to attend Amputation University... Tuition's an arm and a leg!
"
3115,"A friend of mine is so politically correct.... At the deli he is afraid to ask for """" white American """" cheese.
"
192422,"Women and Wine I like my women like my wine, aging in the cellar.
"
128489,"Things I constantly worry about pressing: 1. """"Like"""" while ex stalking 2. Send all drafts 3. A baby's soft spot Yes, this list is in order.
"
206890,"Dad, what's a Freudian slip? Well son, it's when you say one thing and mean your Mother...I mean another.
"
36498,"Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what? Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
"
213701,"Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
"
123980,"There was time in the old west A dog with three legs walks into a saloon, he slams open the doors, looks around at the startled patrons and asks, """"Anyone seen my PAW?""""
"
51579,"How can a black woman tell if she's pregnant? When she takes out the tampon the cotton is already picked
"
170195,"There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
"
150682,"I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that'll come back to bite me.
"
18414,"Have you ever met that one guy you really want to punch in the face? Turns out punching a mirror is painful for your hand.
"
45933,"What has blonde hair, blue eyes and tends to ailed animals? A VeterinArian.
"
134858,"What do these owners think when choosing music for their stores restroom? """"oh yeah people like to listen to this when they're taking a shit""""
"
156136,"Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you're happy and in love... Maybe I was in jail.
"
73258,"*bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect
"
34552,"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
"
77548,"I'll stop at nothing... ...to avoid using negative numbers.
"
102333,"I like to tell self-referential jokes. Like this one
"
226029,"I asked a pregnant woman what cup size she was. She said 500ml.
"
14640,"I don't always tell Dad jokes, but when I do, he tells me to get my fucking life together and stop being a disappointment.
"
17932,"""""On this episode of 60 Minutes, we'll talk to a woman who had a baby but did not change her Facebook profile picture to a photo of it...""""
"
48146,"What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three Hos.
"
106732,"What is the title of Martha Stewart's culinary anthology? """"Cooking: The Books""""
"
164716,"What is the name of an annoying creature that is notorious for biting humans in the tropics? Luiz Suarez.
"
56597,"Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
"
187289,"How do you pass the Isis entrance exam? I don't know about you, I bombed it.
"
216538,"CASHIER: """"Did you find everything you were looking for?"""" ME: """"Oh, yes..."""" [places """"How To Murder A Cashier"""" book on counter]
"
141036,"What did Moses say when he wanted to see through his door? Let my peephole grow!
"
32321,"Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
"
47510,"Why was the tomato blushing? It saw the salad Dressing
"
120446,"Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit One fly passes gas and the other looks at him, """"Come on man, I'm eating over here!""""
"
104220,"What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
"
226234,"""""If you're having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son."""" -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it's a boy.
"
125664,"A lady said I was catching up to... her in terms of age. I said she must be moving too fast.
"
111978,"What do you call Judge Judy when she dresses like a vampire? Cunt Dracula
"
226494,"What do you call a deer with big eyes? A big-eye deer!
"
10175,"What did the little boy with cancer get for Christmas? AIDS
"
103297,"How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
"
28758,"Have you seen that new film about a tractor? Me neither, just saw the trailer.
"
223179,"What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing ? An elephant's shadow !
"
142810,"What were the polite Egyptians running away from? DaRUDE Sandstorm
"
32416,"I know Jeb Bush will be President... because I bought a bag of Oreo cookies today.
"
171313,"What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur? Lickalotapus
"
7069,"Why are libraries so strict? Because they have to go by the book.
"
216434,"I gotta stop the filthy double entendre jokes But it's so, so hard
"
218233,"Shout out to all the Aussies over here! Want to hear a joke? :) Tony Abbott
"
226513,"I'm not racist or anything but all Canadian Geese look alike.
"
126326,"Which educational institute did many Jehovah's Witnesses graduate from? The School of Hard Knocks.
"
45600,"Where would Helen Keller park her car? On top of three children.
"
81024,"I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the most ignorant country in the world Personally, I think Europe is the most ignorant country in the world.
"
57511,"Why didn't Hitler participate in the marathon? ... Because he can't finish a race.
"
157194,"What's the difference between a cheap hooker and an expensive one? You'll get crabs from the cheap one, and lobsters from the other. Heard this years ago, hope this ain't a repost. Cheers
"
164764,"I was in an AWESOME undercover band once No one was sure if we were The Police.
"
65268,"What do you call a man with a toe on his knee? Tony
"
228635,"I'm sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the same way you treat everyone all the time.
"
146621,"Two deer walk out of a gay bar and one looks to the other and says """"man, I can't believe I blew 40 bucks in there.""""
"
181201,"Want to hear my favorite joke? 729271
"
101398,"I keep trying to think of a bone joke But none of them are humerous
"
206794,"A survey asked me if I was dyslexic I checked the option for """"sye.""""
"
50762,"Sorry, I just got your text. Do you still need a ride to the ER?
"
59848,"Etsy is like your Aunt taking acid. It's lonely and crafty and tries to convince you that spoons should be necklaces.
"
93098,"What was Schrodinger's favorite childhood book? The Cat in the Box by Dr. Seuss
"
209347,"Did you hear about Prince? Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.
"
127051,"The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
"
81130,"What do you call a dinosaur with a super high automobile insurance premium? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
"
132034,"Women are like hand grenades If you take off the ring you lose your house and half your belongings
"
51808,"did you know there are people who hate jews who are not nazis? yeah, they.re called tenants.
"
116834,"Positive people are less of a person They are missing electrons.
"
216942,"That beard may hide a couple of your chins but it won't make you pretty, ma'am.
"
123322,"Why don't churches, synagogues, mosques and temples have Wi-Fi? Because religions don't like competing with an invisible power that actually works.
"
39503,"What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.
"
104707,"I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have 'daddy issues', but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
"
97642,"Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
"
92789,"What's the fastest form of bread? Scone.
"
25019,"something we all think is funny. Everybody thinks a pussy fart is funny, right?
"
89199,"Him: I really like your car Me: Thanks! H: What is it? Me: Uh......black?
"
34545,"How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
"
8023,"How does an elephant get out of a small car ? The same way that he got in !
"
25627,"What's up in the sky, oh so high? A baby falling out of an airplane.
"
112004,"""""U put on suntan lotion?"""" """"No"""" """"Youll get sunburned!"""" *sun descends, his voice echoes loudly* """"NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?""""
"
38418,"As a kid I'd watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I'm like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
"
65294,"I was getting a blowjob and I told the girl to treat my dick like a jolly rancher.... and keep on sucking.
"
166924,"Went to our annual work party last night... They played 'The Twist' so I twisted. They played 'Jump' so I jumped. Then they played 'Come on Eileen'...I was asked to leave shortly after that.
"
1199,"My friend got drunk and thinks he had sex with a prostitute... At first he wasn't sure, but then he was *positive*.
"
61955,"FUN FACT: All kitties share a common ancestor, whose name was """"Snickerboots Fancybasket.""""
"
68224,"Me: You've got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm... :|
"
101052,"Don't ever date an Aztec woman.. They will rip your god damn heart out.
"
33101,"58% of statistics are made up on the spot.
"
84038,"Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1? A: For spare parts.
"
142971,"Sorry about my two week Twitter hiatus, I was trying to find the end of the plastic wrap.
"
142077,"Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium are dating? OMg
"
71969,"What's black, and breaks into houses? A wrecking ball
"
157363,"[Eating] Waiter: How's the meal? Me: I dunno. Let me check *pulls out phone Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram Waiter: ...
"
178090,"What is the only type of alcohol muslims are allowed to drink? TAKBEER!
"
7003,"A book fell on my head the other day, I only have my shelf to blame
"
215282,"I'm such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
"
183219,"Why is an engaged girl like a telephone? Because they both have rings.
"
221006,"What do you call a 2D fairy? Pixie-lated
"
63883,"What does R. Kelly tell little girls on Halloween? Urine for a treat!
"
158452,"Which three American Generals won the most during the cold war? General Motors, General Electric, and General Dynamics.
"
41419,"Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
"
175204,"A man is praying to God because his son is a stripper. God replies, you think you've got it bad, my son thinks he's a doctor.
"
42192,"""""OMG, I FORGOT TO CHECK FACEBOOK"""" - somebody almost about to get some work done
"
230436,"Where does the midget pizza chef with epilepsy work? Little seizures
"
173743,"If you want to hear a very interesting story: send an SMS to your wife with the following text in the body: """"I know everything""""
"
62225,"Headline: """"American Pharoah Wins 1st Triple Crown Title Since 1978"""" That is one long-lived horse.
"
19463,"I got like 30 followers off a tweet about free porn sites, to which I say free credit report lose weight free penis enlargement.
"
79768,"I'm white, but not """"clap my hands above my head at a hip hop concert"""" white.
"
151888,"Have you guys heard about the drastic effects of erosion on the Great Pyramids? Yeah, they're kinda pointless now.
"
139680,"I just want to give a shoutout to the ancients for inventing the calendar. It has made my day.
"
146169,"What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel? Sparky
"
151411,"What do you call a Jamaican gynecologist? A Pokemon
"
136730,"Two prostitutes were walking down the street when one said to the other """"Girl, we're gonna be making some money tonight. I can smell dick in the air."""" The other says """"Bitch please. I just burped.""""
"
139986,"Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth? A: Einstein's dick.
"
39842,"I used to be square but then I gave my self to a higher power... Now I'm stuck in this cubical all day
"
81218,"What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? With Twitter you only get 140 characters.
"
182526,"Can't find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
"
77683,"There are two things I hate in this world... People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
"
131343,"What does Sonic the Hedgehog wear when he goes to the beach? A speedo
"
225585,"How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
"
5487,"Why do they call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken.
"
34399,"What do you call Shaka Zulu with a Fire Cracker? BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA!
"
59381,"I get nudes from Adele Sorry, *a dell*
"
197543,"What do you tell a girl who won't stop asking for a tampon? Put a sock in it.
"
42446,"Ghosts wear sheets because nobody's scared of sleeping bags.
"
230334,"I wanted to make a joke about a bridge but I thought I might need to build the suspense first
"
225982,"Where do you touch a woman to give yourself the most pleasure? The back of her head.
"
73117,"I'll do algebra, I'll put up with calculus, I'll even push through trigonometry... but graphing is where I draw the line!
"
131635,"How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to assure that everything possible is being done about the situation and the other one to screw it into the faucet.
"
16343,"How to tell someone they have a bad breath nicely ? """"Oh boy I am bored lets brush our teeth""""
"
110045,"What did the mad cow say to the other cow? You don't want beef with me
"
130209,"What is DNA The national dyslexic association.
"
137437,"i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
"
214509,"What do you call a chicken crossed with a cow? Cock-a-doodle-moo!
"
160977,"Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
"
169685,"I think I'll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching """"How to tell if your baby is black in the womb.""""
"
74425,"School is like a boner.. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.
"
161650,"Hey, say what you want about pedophiles... ...at least they slow down in school zones.
"
177574,"How do you trace a scatter plot? You give the pencil to Michael J. Fox.
"
127859,"One of my cats learned how to open doors and now he opens doors for the dog and I live in an 90's family movie.
"
45615,"What paper product speaks really quickly? Wrapping paper.
"
58068,"Want to hear a joke? The Ghostbusters Remake
"
113017,"Precious Father-Son Time When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom...they were all just pictures of me.
"
60491,"My friend stole my Atlas and won't give it back. Seriously it's the world to me.
"
40210,"A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table... ...one full of water in case he gets thirsty, one empty in case he doesn't.
"
197436,"An Atheist and a Christian walk into a bar... ...they proceed to have a few drinks and enjoy each others company because they're not pretentious assholes
"
210457,"A friend of mine asked me, """"what rhymes with orange?"""" I said, """"no, it doesn't"""". *Credit to Jimmy Carr.* **Edit:** ITT: door hinge, syringe, whore binge, Blorenge.
"
111372,"Kim Jong Un recently banned the blues scale... He hates Seoul music
"
123886,"Little Johnny walks in on his naked mom... sees her little bush and asks: -Mommy what's that? -It's uh... a spider! -Oh, be careful or it'll bite your pussy!
"
200811,"I just took the garbage out. In 3D.
"
5839,"Why do humans mainly use the decimal number system? It's just what we tend to do
"
131257,"My bf asked me to act like a """"naughty school girl"""" for him so I forged a note from my mom saying I don't have to participate.
"
208301,"What's the fastest to have George Zimmerman pull a gun on you?
"
85914,"I usually piss in my shower combo to save on water But I should really stop taking baths they are so wasteful.
"
183781,"*Approaches a guy reading """"Catch Me If You Can""""* I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin' cans.
"
220574,"What's the worst thing you can hear when your giving Willie Nelson a blowjob? """"I'm not Willie Nelson.""""
"
128735,"For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
"
1771,"My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her. It's like she's a drunk version of me.
"
60084,"I don't think it's correct to call them grammar Nazis anymore... They seem to prefer the label """"alt-write"""" nowadays.
"
72851,"You're 15 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
"
112615,"Where does the brown sugar go to watch a movie? The Cinemon.
"
135460,"(Breaks car window to save a dog) Guy: I'm in the car! Me: Yeah but it's hot Him: The AC is on! Me: Can I get in? It's really hot out here.
"
158005,"What did the geologist say to the Ginger after he evaluated her precious metal? Red, it gold.
"
143987,"The good news about falling down the stairs is that my Fitbit counted it as a mile walk.
"
106919,"Did you guys hear about the butcher who backed up into his meat grinder? I hear he got alittle behind in his work
"
123107,"I don't have a penis April Fools
"
138169,"Did you hear about the guy who lived in a tyre? He got a puncture and now he lives in a Flat 
"
198775,"So I asked my friend what its like to live in Switzerland.. He said It's pretty cold but the flag is a huge plus
"
222823,"How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
"
227723,"I went for my interview to be a bus driver I told them 'Sorry I'm late' They said 'you're hired'
"
46743,"Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
"
9456,"What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey
"
78316,"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
"
57834,"Q. How do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
"
53185,"Some apples don't fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling...and rolling...and rolling..
"
93422,"No, I haven't lost weight but """"spanx"""" for asking.
"
15070,"Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like.
"
58780,"Hi, my name is Chadical--I mean--Chad, and I'm a recovering bro. [group says """"Hi, Chad"""" but one voice goes """"Sup bro""""]
"
202512,"I can't believe Earth is 2017 years old! ...plus a couple billion years...
"
18065,"What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month.
"
27686,"I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute After all, it was her thirty second birthday.
"
193053,"I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
"
8182,"Dentist: when was the last time you flossed? Me: bro, you were there.
"
63006,"Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted.
"
21687,"What do you call it when a helicopter pilot reflects on his life? HINDsight
"
111553,"i just went to a bar god damn, it was one sharp crowbar.
"
224896,"What about the two old ladies who brought a bottle of whiskey to the baseball game? At the bottom of the fifth the bags were loaded.
"
74520,"What do the American dollar and the American dress size have in common? Both have had to adjust for inflation.
"
229298,"I entered a laziness competition and placed first. I got atrophy.
"
165523,"Gay bars have different rules at the pool table... They play balls in hand.
"
59707,"If Mississippi wore a New Jersey, what did Delaware? I dunno, Alaska.
"
165202,"What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl? Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.
"
220579,"Doctor Nervous by Three year old When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, """"Do I have to drink it?""""
"
71243,"The wife asked her husband to get rid of his boner He tried, but it was too difficult.
"
122769,"Have you seen the new movie about Auschwitz? The plot was interesting but actors could have put more soul into their characters. It was a hollow cast.
"
128525,"This joke was the first post I ever made! Did you hear the one about Kevin Ware? He turned White Man Can't Jump into Black Man Can't Land.
"
51770,"What do you call a Robert on a stick? A keBob!
"
73945,"I bought a book on DIY. So far my dad has read me 103 pages of it.
"
23855,"What sound does a gun made from church seating make? Pew Pew.. Sorry. Just became a father 2 years ago. I have some catching up to do.
"
69099,"I just made up a new word Plagiarism.
"
99123,"i was turned down by an eskimo girl she wasn't Inuit and had a hundred words for no
"
178487,"I ran into Donald Trump on other day He looked pretty flat when looked in my rear view mirror.
"
112142,"Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory? The only thing left was de-brie
"
117018,"Special shout-out to various coworkers for keeping me warm during this chilly weather by wearing perfume that burns my eyes and lungs.
"
38571,"What does an electrician say while meditating? Ohm... Ohm...
"
45951,"If you're wondering at what age you'll stop messing up your life know that it's not 40 and apparently not 50 either.
"
154775,"*I throw my hat into the ring* Oh you wanna fight do ya? *I throw my pants into the ring* Pal this is gettin' weird *I throw my skin into th
"
159250,"A world without women would be a pain in the ass!!! ... If you don't get it... you don't deserve to.
"
172697,"I'm gonna be honest, I don't even know where girls pee from
"
120766,"Pork shoulder meat, ham meat, salt, water, preservatives. Sorry, that was spam.
"
145106,"[answering door on halloween] NEIGHBORHOOD MOM: please stop giving the children hamsters ME *hands full of hamsters*: but it's Halloween
"
193480,"What's the difference between spider man and superman? peter parker can shoot webs. clark kent.
"
169745,"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? A: [Sound effect - - gagging noises]
"
218270,"*wife looks through my phone *divorces me 8 times
"
225532,"Worst joke I've ever heard What is the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers? One of them actually ended a race.
"
80314,"If Donald Trump's Hair turns out to be a wig then... There'll be hell Toupee.
"
45741,"How do you know an r/jokes mod is a cyberman? [deleted]
"
72074,"[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It's okay, just go on without me
"
105434,"I wanted to make a chemistry joke... But I'm too basic.
"
36928,"probably the best joke rn your face...
"
26340,"Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap... Guy: doctor, I've been hearing voices. Can you help? Doctor: I'll try to diagnose but I can clearly see your nuts
"
153973,"Me: """"All my friends are getting married."""" Grandma: """"Yeah? All my friends are dying.""""
"
172330,"Why do black folk carry around """"boomboxes""""? it's just their stereo-type!
"
68545,"What's the worst news for a NASCAR driver before a race? """"The track is alright.""""
"
71386,"Trump may not fulfill all of his campaign promises... ...but he sure is making Saturday Night Live great again.
"
128092,"Hillary Clinton is... hilarious.
"
45725,"Signed up for Gmail and set my password as 'Mypenis' Google said it was too short. :(
"
137036,"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if you crushed his spirit by telling him how worthless he was and deprived him of a good education?
"
205918,"Thanks to the Fed continuing to print money, a picture is now only worth 583 words.
"
211399,"I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, """"Period!""""
"
41703,"You can't run through a campground You can only ran, because it's past tents.
"
187502,"Thanks to the 96 years of sun bathing grandma doesn't need a leather jacket to ride on the motorcycle with me.
"
94292,"IT'S A BIRD! NO, ITS A PLANE! HOLY SHIT it's Dave!
"
13499,"What does Mrs. pancake say when you compliment her on her weight? Thank you, I'm flattened! I made this joke up on my drive home and am very proud of it. You monkeys better find it funny!
"
23526,"To whom was Shia LaBeouf chanting """"*He will not divide us*"""" after he got arrested yesterday? His buttcheeks.
"
55250,"How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate it's tits a lot
"
6987,"I went camping recently. It was intense.
"
94123,"Told this girl to text me when she got home.... I think she homeless. ----- I don't own this and I take no credit.
"
171102,"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
"
77512,"What do you call an Italian guy with a rubber toe? Roberto
"
106911,"How do mermaids have babies? Sea-sections
"
163111,"Joke If I had a quarter for every time someone called me racist I would eventually be robbed by a black guy.
"
221656,"What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite beer? Yeungling. He can kill off a 12-pack by himself.
"
57132,"If thieves ever broke into my house, searching for money... ...I'd just laugh and search with them.
"
141206,"I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
"
37180,"Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
"
108607,"A chicken stood in my way at the grocery store It was the biggest Cock Block of my life
"
7775,"/r/jokes http://i.imgur.com/i9mD9jZ.gifv I don't remember what that link is, used this cuz reddit says I need text here to post.
"
92511,"BREAKING NEWS Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015 Use it while you can, white girls
"
21695,"How do Australian bees please the queen bee? They bee hive
"
177491,"I'm volunteering at the tempura house tonight. It's a shelter for lightly battered women.
"
69713,"I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed not my fault they don't have windows
"
219584,"(At the dentist) 'Your grinding isn't good.' Excuse me! I've never had a man complain before.
"
189409,"I'm not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
"
4889,"dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets
"
127908,"Friend: I'm pregnant Me: You should have just got a dog
"
110074,"I accidentally swallowed a lot of food coloring this morning. I dyed a little inside.
"
37689,"I'm going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
"
180481,"I think I need to put my dog on antidepressants I ask him how his day was. His answer is always """"Rough""""
"
27834,"a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it!
"
204409,"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? Its ok he worked it out with a pencil
"
205359,"if anyone tels u """"evryday is a gift, thats why its caled the present"""" just say """"evryday begins in sadness, thats why its caled the mourning""""
"
96953,"The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.
"
114916,"When I'm down, I read shelving assembly instructions. Shelf help books make me feel better.
"
157679,"If you can't walk into your walk in closet, you might just live with your girlfriend.
"
219100,"My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
"
19102,"Me: """"Excuse me, hi"""" Her: """"Um, I have a boyfriend"""" Me: """"Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse""""
"
133844,"We sent you an email, please check... please check your junk... Mail.
"
206004,"Don't exercise so you can live longer. Exercise so when you're about to die you can think, """"at least I don't have to exercise anymore"""".
"
98338,"Did you hear about all the Hamburgers that showed up at the Hot Dogs' prom? They were in abundance.
"
125641,"What's worse than a polar bear? A bi-polar bear.
"
116297,"Danke for calling Germany. To order beer, press 1. To order weapons, press 2. To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
"
5064,"All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn't miss the target every time he shoots.
"
230647,"Today in 1949, Bruce Springsteen was born. He became """"The Boss"""" after several years as """"The Assistant Regional Manager.""""
"
48649,"What's going to be thinner than the IPhone 8? Apples ideas.
"
130469,"Dinosaurs naming their non-hetero children. What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotopuss.
"
35247,"What's the best way to stop a German train? *Axe* them nicely.
"
174144,"How do inmates pay for things in prison? With ConCurrency, of course.
"
148699,"Life is like a box of condoms... I haven't done anything with mine yet.
"
47942,"If da Vinci were alive today, the """"Mona Lisa"""" would have been called """"IMG-20121020-00463.jpg""""
"
189022,"How to sports: - Take a ball - Put it someplace someone else doesn't want you to put it - Congratulations you've now sportsed
"
211749,"Why is poop tapered? So your butt hole doesn't slam shut!
"
34943,"Did you know a cat can jump higher than a house? This is due to the fact that cats have very powerful hind legs and that houses can't jump.
"
90291,"What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua?  A short one!
"
449,"I'm not saying that girl's a slut... But she has touched more wieners than Heinz ketchup.
"
84409,"I wonder if deaf schizophrenic people hear voices... I never asked them
"
80452,"Overheard my boss say this to our secretary.. What's the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian? One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
"
11956,"Why did the chicken kill himself? To get to the other side.
"
44024,"I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, I had to dump her because she kept seeing guys on the side.
"
194489,"What do get when you mix two breads? A hy-bread
"
199096,"What do you get when you mix Hitler with a dolphin? Adolfphin
"
96290,"According to my doctor, it'd be healthiest to stay away from trans fats. I'm really going to miss tumblr.
"
45172,"Last night I dreamt I was a muffler I woke up exhausted
"
60444,"My friend said this in the middle of class. Best joke I have EVER heard. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 knew what 6 and 9 were doing.
"
224147,"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... Because they always take things literally.
"
196675,"A woman was having a shower When the doorbell rang. """"It's me, the blind man."""" And she didn't open the door because she has public decency and doesn't stop her showers for strangers.
"
229065,"I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
"
168699,"What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? (gotta love the classics) You can unscrew a light bulb
"
107504,"We had to put my horse down. After he escaped from the barn, the veterinarian said he was too unstable.
"
97626,"What's the similarity between being in the mob and... eating pussy? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit
"
9889,"I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I'm in.
"
48243,"A blonde was swimming. She swam deeper and  deeper until she drowned. Her husband came home and found her dead in the bathtub.
"
113302,"This is gonna be misinterpreted, but I've been sitting on hard wood for an hour and my ass is killing me
"
217557,"My entire family is prone to diarrhea... ...It runs in our jeans. EDIT: typo
"
107861,"What do you call it when a deer knows karate? Tae-fawn-doe
"
205665,"Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
"
29607,"For a tennis player, what is the perfect crime? Racketeering
"
55988,"""""I'm a green onion and I'm here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day."""" -A rapscallion
"
129430,"You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months.
"
227729,"I used to cry when my dad chopped onions. I miss Onions, he was a good dog.
"
9467,"What do you get when you watch 'Cinderella' backwards? A woman in her place...
"
127892,"I'm supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
"
184578,"What's the best way to sum up the 90's? 90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945
"
56512,"My girlfriend LOVES my toenails.. I'm starting to think she's a nailphile.
"
13894,"What does Las Vegas have in common with Scotland? Not a lot, but in both you can pay for sex with chips.
"
49194,"I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics. He told me I used the wrong stereo type.
"
93201,"DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again! *daughter dish starts sobbing* [outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
"
39665,"""""Let's name it something that people will automatically connect with movies."""" - Not the guys who started Fandango.
"
48357,"I got a new thesaurus. It's terrible. On top of that, it's also terrible.
"
231328,"How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute
"
59886,"911,What's your emergency? Me: I think it's a heart attack 911: Can you call back when you're sure, we're watching Walking Dead
"
111932,"Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning! *scratches Judy's back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers* Judy: Hi!!! How are y..... Me: *walks away*
"
156249,"Q: Which positions does a violist use? A: First third and emergency.
"
29966,"Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons? They're short of breath!
"
182228,"Who has scene a dinosaur? No one! They're extinct!
"
73896,"How do you get an Asian to crash their car? Make the windshield full screen
"
107299,"What do you call the CFO of a landscaping company? A hedge fund manager
"
24736,"Hub: You ready to go? Me: In a minute, I'm beating the kids. [Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
"
102586,"I went out for dinner tonight... ...and they tried to charge me for salt and pepper! I thought it was condimentary.
"
215747,"I asked a fetus if it wanted some food, and it replied: 'no thanks... ... I gestate.'
"
212756,"Life is like a box if chocholates. It's full of nuts and you only enjoy some of it.
"
79568,"Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie's life? Because he was too far out maaaan. (Hippy voice)
"
218515,"Why do we.... Cook bacons and bake cookies?
"
45601,"Work today had a sexual harassment seminar It was a real let down when I found out they weren't going to teach how to sexually harass.
"
139595,"""""Well ... I'll be dammed."""" Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
"
10380,"What's the difference between an ass kisser and a brown noser? Depth perception.
"
8903,"What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows!
"
192456,"Panties ... ... are for pussies.
"
170333,"3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy? Me: So I look less tired. 3: Why are you tired? Me: Because I'm a mom. 3: Why are you a mom? Me: 3:
"
93856,"Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? Because he only **comes** once a year.
"
89089,"Namast'ay Away from negative people.
"
104426,"Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
"
32648,"Why did the Walrus go to the Tupperware store? Because he wanted a tight seal.
"
227868,"What do you call it when guys find older women unusually attractive? The Stunning-Cougar Effect.
"
4049,"I got kicked out of a store trying to buy condoms All I wanted was to use their fitting room!
"
181545,"""""I think I stepped in some upchuck"""" What's up, Chuck? """"Not much, but my name's not Chuck"""" *vomits*
"
23040,"My friend just told me he has a chocolate lab. Turns out it's a dog, not a place. Bummer.
"
95506,"The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar It was tense.
"
138436,"Jail is a prison term. And that was a prison sentence
"
161560,"In England butchers price meat by how they smell... ...a good sirloin costs about 10 pounds per scent.
"
225309,"What do a bass guitar solo and peeing your pants have in common? It's quiet and embarrassing.
"
47412,"Being a chemist, I feel pleasure to announce that I've just Synthesised CPH4(lucy drug). I wish I could post it in r/worldnews.
"
125458,"My boyfriend just texted me, """"We need to talk."""" I think he's going to propose!
"
93325,"Did you here about the dead whale that washed up onshore? Apparently it had HIV..........................................Biologists think it may have been rear-ended by a ferry.
"
143844,"Cows What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom.
"
205833,"Why are there no coup d'etat in the United States? Because there is no U.S. embassy there.
"
201468,"What's the difference between sex and a corporation? In sex the person on top does most of the work.
"
224373,"How many US Congress members does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one. They just hold it still and wait for the world to revolve around them.
"
146267,"A toothless termite walks into a bar... He asked """"is the bar tender here?""""
"
18761,"What's the difference between a peeping tom and a rapist? A rapist doesn't waste time beating around the bush
"
35816,"Thank you for teaching me the meaning of the word """"much."""" It means a lot.
"
43434,"How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None the keyboardist can do it with his left hand.
"
5747,"What do you call a closet full of lesbians? A liquor cabinet.
"
172631,"The little bit of decent human being left in me finds cannibalism to be wrong... but who cares, he was delicious!
"
62518,"I want to make an alligator joke... But I'm afraid I'll get carried away.
"
52241,"What did the proctologist do to those poor people's butts? He rectum.
"
91168,"If I could be any animal I'd pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
"
129280,"What do you call Captain Forte and his sidekick Piano? A dynamic duo! This joke came to me in my delirious state after hours of band camp practices.
"
227831,"Someone should invent padded underwear for men to get back at women for wearing pushup bras
"
215409,"Just spent an hour attempting to explain to my 3 year the difference between Baltimore and Voldemort.
"
197799,"Adding Up by Juan & Juan
"
42636,"What is the difference between a millennial and a gun? A gun only has one trigger.
"
118059,"God: """"MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE."""" Moses: """"New burning bush. Who dis?""""
"
21878,"Volkswagon How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, 3 in the back and 6 million in the ash tray
"
75976,"How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs ? They sit eggsaminations !
"
77579,"I named my Pokemon Margarine... ...because it's butterfree.
"
192110,"Retweet this and you'll go to heaven. Yes, the standards are now that low.
"
108020,"I'm reading a book on evolution... The beginning wasn't great, but it's getting better over time.
"
107394,"Dinosaurs never had peanut butter and jelly and they all died.
"
124756,"Why couldn't the NSA leave their houses? They got Snowden.
"
213022,"I hate when I'm telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.
"
215873,"*puts on shirt* *notices shirt has OBVIOUS stain* *takes off shirt* *hangs back up for future attempt at wearing shirt*
"
100424,"Why are there so few gay comedians? It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
"
136807,"The Apple store in town got robbed last night the police have sent out an appeal for iWitnesses
"
100448,"What do you call someone who drinks too much water? An aquaholic...
"
116789,"I wish i had the immune system of an African baby I've heard they only get sick once in their whole lives.
"
23646,"How to make $500 fast Attach it to a rocket Credit: 4chan
"
192712,"What's the mean difference between normal sex and the act of necrophilia a. 16C b. 18C c. 20C
"
3575,"What happens if you steal in Afghanistan? You get Talibanned
"
156559,"I went to an Anglican church recently... They do communion a little bit differently there. You just walk up, kneel down, and the priest sticks it in your mouth.
"
43536,"What do gospel and interracial porn have in common? Gifted black people and constant calls to God.
"
27395,"What does a Jedi say after a tragic loss of life? """"May my thoughts be with them"""".
"
214409,"I saw a deer yesterday. I asked it if it had any doe. It said yeah, about two bucks.
"
79574,"How to keep an idiot busy for hours [read below] How to keep an idiot busy for hours [read title]
"
57856,"What cell phone service do Stormtroopers use? AT &amp; AT.
"
181569,"Bras are like the illuminati They're on top, hard to see, harder to unlock, and hold all the good stuff.
"
168433,"How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
"
106358,"His icy glare melts my creamy core. He's so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him. -Oreo to milk
"
213526,"Kids' complaints on vacation: - No wifi on beach - Sand is sandy - Ocean has salt in it - Lobsters? I want pizza. - Too outdoorsy outside
"
28213,"A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3... He says, """"Uno, dos..."""" and then *poof* disappeared without a tres.
"
78333,"Which sex position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your parents.
"
52936,"Does shaking the vending machine count as working out?
"
210751,"If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then... ... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.
"
32227,"In my bed, it's perpetual motion all night long, baby.
"
45497,"What did the two stoners do with their son when they divorced? They put him under joint custody.
"
85703,"Goth people wear black to reflect the color of their souls... Except ginger goths. They go naked.
"
11707,"When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say """"oh, I thought she was already dead""""
"
134785,"A man was asked if he was Indecisive He couldn't make up his mind.
"
126209,"You know the difference between 2 dicks and a joke is? You can't take a joke.
"
183949,"I was at the track yesterday. I backed a horse at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
"
121160,"WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said """" I hate shoes""""
"
63549,"I give in to peer pressure My friends went on a diet, so I joined in to try to fit in.
"
196394,"There's this greek archipelago called the """"Sporades"""". People there work sometimes. By my Economics/Politics teacher
"
101980,"I really hate it when People punchup the fuckline
"
206588,"""""how about an animal that looks like a cross between a horse and a barcode"""" - creator of zebras
"
176414,"Why You Shouldn't Drink Toilet Water There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water: Number 1. Number 2.
"
185225,"How do you get a little old lady to say the f* word? Get another old lady to say """"BINGO!""""
"
151187,"I bought myself a new hairdryer but it's faulty. It sucks.
"
136086,"What's the difference between jeweler, a cut down tree, and a sea captain? A sea captain watches the seas, while a jeweler sees the watches.
"
133106,"Why didn't Hitler take a taxi? He was more of an Ubermensch.
"
21047,"Sometimes I draw a penis on my face before I go out so people know I'm there to fucking party.
"
159197,"What do you get when you cross worms with elephants? Big holes in your garden
"
142701,"Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.
"
148867,"People call me """"big"""", """"dumb"""", and """"stupid"""", which confuses me because I'm actually not very big
"
151969,"I like my children how I like my essays. Unplanned and poorly executed
"
24554,"In the South, everyone is treated like family I guess that explains the rape
"
99915,"What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!!!
"
94319,"Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.
"
191892,"BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
"
229630,"*popular kid is struggling in class *gets a tutor to help *Kool-Aid
"
132169,"Two whales are at a bar... The first whale turns toward the other and says, """"ooooooOOoooooooOOOOOOOOooo!"""" The second whale says, """"Dude, you're drunk as fuck.""""
"
70830,"two blondes... ...are chit chatting. """"I slept with a Brazillian!"""" """"Wow, how many is that?""""
"
151034,"My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
"
85340,"How do you find out what's in an e-cigarette? Just ask someone not to smoke it next to you.
"
86148,"How do you say """"Fuck You"""" in Yiddish? Trust me!
"
7123,"[during sex] HER: this isn't working out ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?
"
149077,"See above is an understatement.
"
185850,"Did you guys see the lunar eclipse the other night? I missed it, the earth was in the way.
"
80724,"Not tryin' to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it's inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
"
205490,"My Poem to you Roses are 0xff0000 Violets are 0x0000ff return(SUCCESS);
"
31706,"All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
"
47406,"What do you call a folder of child pornography? A pedo-file.
"
107298,"What do black people and a tornado have in common? It only takes one to ruin a neighborhood.
"
66889,"Twitter is perfect for men, because with men brevity is key. Beyond 140 characters they know they're going to say something wrong.
"
162416,"Why were the early days of history called the  dark ages ? Because there were so many knights !
"
8806,"What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? In the US you can't milk a cow for 14 years.
"
136671,"When pigs have a party who jumps out of the cake?  Nobody. The pigs all jump in.
"
37422,"A midget went to the gym while visiting Sweden... He was a little thor the next day.
"
48090,"What did the British gentlepimp say to his accountant bitch? Tally ho!
"
145308,"I have an inferiority complex ....But it's not a very good one. :(
"
52900,"What's the difference between a C4 and a feminist? The C4 does something when it's triggered.
"
25325,"Where did the kid with adhd go? Aushwitz
"
136615,"What do you call the president when he is rolling down a snowy hill? An Obama-nable snowman
"
170594,"Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?  - Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
"
45894,"""""Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick."""" -- everyone in front of you on the highway.
"
163380,"What did Uranium-238 say to Helium when they first met? IDK
"
39180,"Some say I'm condescending It means I talk down to people.
"
1765,"I have one trophy on reddit. Dust
"
193107,"Did you hear about the blonde with tire marks on her back? She crawled across the street when the sign said """"DON'T WALK"""".
"
185107,"I love the smell of relapse in the morning
"
123645,"Why was the little strawberry sad? Her mommy was in a jam.
"
217221,"Jack and Jill went up the hill So Jack can bang Jill's fanny. Jack came down with quite a frown Because Jill's a fucking tranny.
"
179196,"Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework
"
45683,"A pharmacy was broken into and the only thing stolen was a case of Viagra Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals
"
184518,"What do you call a black man who flies a plane? A pilot, you assholes.
"
69058,"According to a study I read... Men think about the adjectival form of pus every 6 seconds.
"
34149,"If you can't convince them, confuse them.
"
155535,"what do you call a girl in Georgia that can outrun her brothers? A Virgin.
"
128211,"In light of the recent Taylor Swift &amp; Tom Hiddleston news. I believe they shouldn't have let slip they are dating and kept it Loki (Joke above)
"
8493,"If steroids are illegal for athletes, then Photoshop should be illegal for models
"
55335,"An Irishman walks out of a bar.
"
174483,"""""Daddy, how do stars die?"""" """"Drugs, normally.""""
"
24898,"yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men's shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn't choose
"
144794,"What's the difference between a drum, a woman, and a blowjob? You can beat a drum. And you can beat a woman. But you can't beat a blowjob.
"
202965,"Whats the difference between Aladdin lamp and women make up - nothing if you rub both you will find a freak
"
138763,"Two fonts walk into a line dance club. The barman says to them """"Get out. We don't serve your type here.""""
"
102952,"Knock Knock Who's there ? Closure ! Closure who ? Closure mouth when you eat !
"
193172,"Why are librarians so shy? Their occupation makes them very shelf conscious.
"
175958,"My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.
"
174256,"2 apples are sitting in an oven One apple looks to the other and says """"Man is it hot in here or what?"""" The second apple screams """"Holy shit!?! A talking apple!""""
"
20525,"What's the difference between you and me? You came OUT of your mom's vagina.
"
176751,"What is the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on
"
166610,"1 fist bump from a cool black dude = 5 years of my white parents loving me.
"
40206,"What do you get when you cross an iPad with a Christmas Tree? A PiNEAPPLE! Get it? ;-D
"
120154,"My nickname at work is """"HR wants to see you""""
"
822,"What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of the turtle? Weeeeeeeeee
"
109927,"The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
"
126161,"""""Do you smell the updoc?"""", I say to my pet bunny. My bunny replies with silence. I know that someday he will say it and I am willing to wait
"
195801,"My wife has a shell tattood on her upper thigh.. And if you lay your ear on top of it, you can smell the sea.
"
218988,"What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog. It croaks every night.
"
176965,"My brother's dying wish was to get a joke into the front page of reddit But it seems rude to post a photo of him now that he's dead.
"
100206,"here is a self depreciating joke. **Q: What is the difference between me and a brick?** A: Bricks get laid
"
214065,"iPhones need a feature where an incoming call doesn't take up the whole screen so u can do other things while u ignore a phone call
"
58417,"Here's another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
"
39732,"Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we're getting somewhere.
"
192028,"Pedophilia You grow into it.
"
51019,"Pretty cool how Ryan Gosling's dad was Ryan Goose.
"
12052,"I'm worried that I'm gonna get a super judgey coroner.
"
4107,"What is atheism? A non-prophet organisation.
"
23149,"Why George RR Martin doesn't utilize suicide bombers in GoT? Because he does not have enough virgins left in the story
"
206816,"Fred: """"I can't believe Ben is in the hospital. Just yesterday, I saw him with a gorgeous blonde."""" Bob: """"So did his wife.""""
"
1055,"Of course he's going to get re-elected, because once you go Black...
"
39850,"what happens after kidz bop 68? are they gonna skip a number or just go for it or what
"
55719,"Did you hear about the brown paper bag cowboy? He had a brown paper bag hat, brown paper bag boots, a brown paper bag shirt, and a pair of brown paper bag pants. He was arrested. For rustling.
"
142096,"ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants* DR: Ok what seems to be the problem? ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
"
170067,"My stages of drunk: 1) onstage 2) backstage 3) hostage
"
141498,"What does a shaved otter look like? Odder... Sorry
"
42830,"Everyone keeps talking about tragedies but then does nothing about it. Just like this post.
"
184418,"Did you hear about the hillbilly who  asked his friends to give him their burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted to start a dark room.
"
65047,"Here's one for you...! 1
"
143275,"Did you hear about the scientist who accidentally tripped into his cloning machine? He was really beside himself after that one.
"
185132,"I told my son I'm a motherfucker...... He was like. """"You fuck mothers...... lesbo."""" I replied. """" Ain't a lesbo if it's myself.""""
"
217441,"What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers.
"
178462,"My punchlines are like lost baggage... you should get them in a couple of days. - George Watsky
"
215018,"What you call a Dildo with six heads? Hail Hydra!
"
129070,"I'm usually pretty inspired after watching a movie to try something I've just seen. [hunts for a movie about cleaning bathrooms]
"
133785,"hey it's me, the girl who just googled """"chemistry alphabet"""" when i meant """"periodic table""""
"
201273,"Where do they make contentment? At the satis-factory.
"
37261,"You are no longer what you eat. You are now your browser history.
"
36605,"When I was in high school my girlfriend's dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said """"Sorry, it won't happen again.""""
"
72081,"They should just report when there WASN'T a shooting in Florida at this point
"
217585,"I was once a man stuck in a woman's body Then my mother gave birth
"
189213,"I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
"
222457,"Whats the difference between Batman and a Blackman? Batman can go into a store without robin....
"
92051,"Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
"
155038,"Interviewer: Why did you Leave your last job? Candidate: The Company Shifted Their Office &amp; Didn't Tell me where it is....!!
"
200779,"What happens if you play tabletennis with a bad egg? First it goes ping then it goes pong.
"
20048,"I told her it's been a while. She told me that was fine. It's just like riding a bike. Now she's mad I checked her for proper inflation
"
32740,"What do you get if you cross a black person with an octopus? I don't know but it would be excellent at picking cotton.
"
185983,"How do you lose fourteen stone of fat? Dump him.
"
94016,"I like my women how I like my text wrapping... Tight.
"
6862,"There was a new machine at the gym today. I had to stop using it after an hour as i felt sick, but it was worth it got through 4 kit kats 2 cherry cokes and 2 packets of crisps.
"
19149,"Why do they call camels 'ships of the desert'? Because they are full of Arab semen.
"
68491,"I broke up with my girlfriend over religious beliefs She didn't believe I was god. (Credit: Artie Lange)
"
202654,"The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber: You stay in all day and nobody comes!
"
184715,"Saudi Arabia refuses to even consider allowing women to drive """"safety on the road is our first priority"""" said the King spokesman in a recent press conference
"
213193,"My ex-girlfriend was an astronaut. So I guess you could say that, I've had a spacex.
"
35434,"I once heard this joke about corn It was a-maizeing
"
225188,"My sex life .
"
91498,"Rattlesnakes and condoms Two things I don't fuck with
"
52839,"Getting to the point now where we should just try to get the water out of the oil.
"
65394,"What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business :D Edit: Sorry, I'm not sorry
"
199426,"What up Holmes? ~Watson
"
103074,"I bought what I thought was a Burger King But infact it was just a little Wimpy.
"
155237,"What do robots dip in salsa? Microchips
"
193800,"""""Haha you flinched"""" """"No crap, you almost hit me in the face!""""
"
149186,"Life on a trampoline isn't that bad. It's got its ups and downs.
"
196871,"What do you call 2 people with identical penises? Doppelwangers
"
39190,"Mistakes married women make: 1. Assuming he heard you. 2. Assuming he understood you. 3. Assuming he'll remember. 4. Marrying a man.
"
60070,"The inventor of the snooze button has passed away. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 8:00, 8:06, 8:11, 8:13, and 8:14.
"
183604,"Why can't a vegetable win an argument? Cuz he always uses a straw, man!
"
208620,"Pascal: Come on, we must go! Me: Man, you are really making a lot of pressure for 1 Pascal.
"
178840,"What do you get when you have an ant with 8 legs? An uncle that has to build a bigger shoe closet...
"
78201,"Me and my new girlfriend are both scientists, archaeologists to be exact... .. we're carbon, dating.
"
6734,"I had a very confusing time when I tried to buy a Wii in France.
"
97188,"I heard that a few of the /r/Science mods also moderate /r/Jokes... [deleted]
"
189306,"Valve is like a deadbeat dad.... They both do well on creating, but suck at taking care of the offspring.
"
202914,"Theres 365 days until halloween and people ALREADY have their decorations up.
"
135230,"What do you call a constipated vegan? A grasshole.
"
17421,"If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is there to hear it... do the other trees laugh at it?
"
144463,"my mom discovered slang. she just texted me """"sup?"""" and i wrote back """"not much nigga! just cold kickin it with my breezies!""""
"
102018,"What do pessimists and electrons have in common There both always negative.
"
15254,"What do you get when you throw a Pokeball at a Pakistani? A Pakimon.
"
15802,"Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I'm in public
"
171168,"A little old lady walked into the bank cashed  a small check and started out. Passing the armed guard she smiled and said """"You can go home now.""""
"
78005,"[ouija board] Who are you? *board begins spelling* G-R-E-E-N--M-A-R-I-O What the -- a Luigi Board?! W-A-H-O-O--I-T-S-A--M-E
"
130771,"A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks """"Do you have a previous criminal history?"""" The visitor replies """"I didn't realize that was still a requirement""""
"
23250,"What is the similarity between a bicycle and a black man? The rightful owner of both is white
"
66112,"I hate trying to wipe my ass without my glasses on I can't see shit
"
175459,"When I know I've posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I'm Jason Statham walking from an explosion.
"
186520,"how does a moel make his money? he collects the tips.
"
2690,"Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they'll have a friend to play with Fact: They'll fight. Every hour. Every day.
"
121496,"How short-sighted of you to include a fax number in your email signature but not the coordinates of your zeppelin dock.
"
154249,"Why did Steve Jobs eat all the cookies? Mac users have no CTRL
"
29004,"My girlfriend told me I look """"uncool"""" with a bike helmet on.. Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.
"
40405,"How do you call a cross-dressing father of two? Transparent
"
154541,"Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
"
28977,"""""I think I have ADHD, doc"""" why? """"I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford"""" that's not- """"yeah I keep losing my Focus"""" get out of my office
"
48746,"What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater ? A plain clothes police dog !
"
73875,"Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don't want my own husband, so I sure as hell don't want yours.
"
147812,"fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due me: say it fred: pls no me: i'm not paying fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due me: haha
"
108782,"My friend wrote a crossover of Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider It was good, General Lee speaking.
"
106092,"How long is a submarine? No, How Long is a Chinaman.
"
88385,"Two blondes and a stripper walk into a bar. The second blonde should have seen it coming. The stripper usually does.
"
223649,"How do you make an ugly baby? Ask your parents.
"
49752,"The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword
"
5292,"I always heard it was OK to date a nun... as long as you don't get into the habit.
"
220814,"Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.
"
145865,"A mother borrows her gay son's phone She needed to get in touch with her husband, so she clicked the contact titled """"Daddy bear"""" in her son's phone. It was not her husband who answered.
"
31777,"I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, """"Because I'm trying to examine you.""""
"
124242,"*turns off life support* *waits* *turns it back on* Me: How's she now? Him: Are you sure you're a doctor? Me: Doct... No, I'm from IT.
"
96543,"maybe the white peopel who are scared of immigrants are only scared b/c they kno what white peopel did when they first immigrated to america
"
12143,"An horse walks into a bar. The customers get up and leave, recognizing the danger that may cause an animal of that size.
"
135315,"My parents say I am a Cancer... I was born in March...
"
188470,"What did the frog with internet addiction say? Reddit
"
159557,"First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What's the problem? -Nothing Please tell us? -You know what's the problem
"
36822,"I hardly ever drink Only 2 times a year to be exact On my birthday, And when it's not my birthday
"
194951,"Because we love Adel.. Why did my computer just say hello? Oh, that's right. It's A Dell.
"
104409,"What's better than getting a gold medal at the paralympics? Having legs.
"
170416,"If I had a dollar for every girl that didn't find me attractive... They'd eventually find me attractive..
"
175989,"I walked up to a lady and asked... ...""""Can I smell your feet?"""" """"No."""" """"Oh,"""" I said, """"Must be your pussy I smell then.""""
"
127704,"Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
"
165418,"Q: What did Tarzan shout when he saw the elephants coming up over the hill? A: """"Here come the elephants up over the hill!""""
"
48832,"How many Chinese people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, while the rest were kung fu fighting
"
212168,"Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
"
12298,"I just got an iPhone 7S for my wife I thought that was a good trade
"
68106,"On which day do monsters eat people?  Chewsday.
"
195340,"""""You won't like me when I take my estrogen pill."""" -Bruce Jenner
"
220364,"*Jesus hanging on cross next to thieves* Lean in guys, let's do a face swap
"
145468,"Knock Knock Who's there ? Cheese ! Cheese who ? Cheese a cute girl !
"
204041,"What do you call someone who's afraid of Santa getting stuck in their chimney? Claus-trophobic.
"
212693,"Knock knock -Who's there? -Ala -Ala who? -AKBAR
"
96508,"I was in Starbucks the other day and I saw a guy who dropped his coffee on the floor by mistake..... I said to the man """"wow, you actually dropped it like it's hot""""
"
145327,"dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver me: *looking* dad: Isn't that a Phillips beside you? me: It says """"Craftsman"""" dad: me: Are you crying?
"
195455,"Who's the best detective in Mexico? Sherlock-Holmes
"
121474,"I knew the psychic was a fraud the second she accepted my check
"
117465,"What did one druid say to the other? Bear with me...
"
8727,"How do you spell relief? F-A-R-T
"
228459,"A psychic Midget escaped from jail yesterday. The papers read: """"Small Medium at Large""""
"
77392,"What's the loudest thing in the last two Harry Potter films? Deaf Lee's """"HELLO!""""
"
77080,"When you hold me, I'd prefer it not be """"accountable.""""
"
144108,"The stock market has been looking thinner lately. It's lost several Pounds.
"
203287,"Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic? He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions.
"
214155,"If kittens tasted like pizza I would totally be a cat person.
"
7114,"What is the quickest way to get Trump out of The White House?? Put Monica Lewinsky in there. She's not the hero we deserve, but she'd be da real MVP we need right now.
"
155902,"Why did Peter Parker get fired? He spent all day on the web.
"
107611,"Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
"
92189,"Remember to check on your elderly neighbors to see if they have anything worth stealing.
"
148693,"Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition.
"
32627,"fat people https://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/2uje2o/how_to_lose_weight_fast/?submit_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DzfOy5Ghv9rM&amp;already_submitted=true
"
186902,"Reddit vs the Titanic At least the Titanic had a band
"
70251,"good old family racism what do you call the leader of the black panthers movement? the maine coon
"
82251,"Apple pie isn't American unless you eat the whole thing in one sitting.
"
84465,"A man was found dead under an ice-cream truck, covered in chocolate syrup and sprinkles.. Police think he topped himself.
"
76888,"What was the yacht doing while it played heavy metal music? Dokken
"
61431,"I found a new way of making popcorn... just give an ear a baby
"
205769,"Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain? I don't know. It hadn't really crossed my mind.
"
213425,"I'd like to buy a bed please. Certainly madam. Spring mattress? Oh no! I want to be able to use it all year.
"
78469,"How do you beat the Islanders? Give 'em a 3 goal lead
"
77911,"What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A-flat miner
"
172879,"I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
"
193780,"Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
"
64370,"God made Heaven and Earth The rest made in China
"
154741,"He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
"
213418,"What's a comedian's favorite candy? Laffy Taffy.
"
192783,"The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you'd think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
"
62659,"First white Muslims in Boston, now a 7'0"""" gay black pro athlete. Narrow-minded conservatives everywhere are having a very confusing month.
"
98922,"My grandma told my 25 year old cousin that she has finally gotten used to his beard... He agreed. """"Yeah, it has really grown on me.""""
"
70818,"What does an American actor say when going to Europe? Let's go PAL.
"
170108,"[takes a sip at wine tasting] Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.
"
197060,"A logician just had a baby Her friends ask her: """"A boy or a girl?"""" She replies: """"Yes""""
"
21623,"I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we're all gonna die in 2012
"
101718,"Why a woman doesn't make sense to a man... Actually they make 77 cents to a man.
"
215837,"How do you test for pregnancy in Harlem? See if the tampon's cotton was picked.
"
37,"Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.
"
142768,"A skeleton walks into a bar... and says """"Give me a beer and a mop""""
"
169105,"My SO started smoking last night So I slowed down and applied some lube.
"
131331,"Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle are horrible tippers. They rarely leave 10%, even for adequate service.
"
189268,"Officer: We're building the Death Star as fast as we can. Vader: I have new ways to motivate you. *implements margarita Tuesdays*
"
147349,"I usually read this subreddit on a toilet,... ...so that I dont shit my pants.
"
28821,"FUCK YEAH I GOT A CRIMINAL RECORD *smooth criminal blasts an i bust out sick mj moves* """"congrats sir u are now manager of this kfc/taco bell
"
215848,"How did Helen Keller burn her face? She answered the waffle iron. How did she burn the other side? They called back.
"
103378,"I was just reminiscing with my friends about our day out at the clock museum... ...good times!
"
82514,"What can you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him on a drag! What do you call said dog? Doesn't matter... he's not coming anyway.
"
107684,"""""Welcome to Panda Express"""" """"I'd like one panda"""" """"Sorry we don't sell pand-"""" *slips cashier $100* """"Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes""""
"
142315,"Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
"
10758,"An obese man was standing naked in front of his doctor He said """"Doc. I haven't seen my dick in 3 years"""". Doctor said """"Then why don't you diet?"""" The fat man replied """"What color is it now?""""
"
114755,"Wynona Ryder was great in Stranger Things. She stole the show
"
7185,"I was going to tell a gay joke. Butt fuck it!
"
32370,"Which Christian denomination knows the most about dinosaurs? Episcopaleontologists
"
185949,"You've heard about the Ferguson situation, right? The issues raised aren't exactly black or white.
"
113560,"a sociologist finally solved the mystery of why men tend to die earlier than their respective wives they want to.
"
15768,"Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said """"What ya doin'?"""" She said """"Buying luggage.""""
"
114491,"I tried to be friends with my computer mouse But he's too cliquey.
"
207716,"Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you're wrong & Raphael isn't the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
"
193834,"What do you call it when George Thorogood farts on a throne? Air to the bone
"
58758,"*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink* WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
"
8978,"The reason the earth's core is hot Is because my mixtape is so underground
"
177608,"Did you know condoms had serial numbers? I guess you've never had to roll it down that far
"
6714,"I'll admit that my jokes are cheesy, but even then the ones I find hilarious my friends don't find funny at all They must be laughtose intolerant
"
172237,"What did the Bulbasaur say to the Charmander? """"Bulbasaur!!""""
"
34534,"I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
"
164500,"what does a cowboy from colorado wear? a 420-gallon hat
"
144579,"""""I'm not sure-"""" wife: honey he's a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them! *the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
"
220754,"What do you call an Asian girl with Mexican parents? Juana Sum Peeksa.
"
227778,"I need an emoticon that's stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
"
188377,"Siri's on her period. she needs an iPad
"
124413,"Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
"
69739,"Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
"
200095,"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
"
211287,"A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: """"Pint please, and one for the road."""" 
"
61925,"speak, three languages you are trilingual, two, bi-lingual, what do they call you if you only speak one language? American
"
52942,"Why do white girls only travel in packs of 3's? Because omg they can't even.
"
218101,"A Jamaican is asked, use Dandelion in a sentence ... He then says ... """"The cheetah is faster dandelion""""
"
222430,"""""Is your refrigerator running?"""" """"Yes"""" """" AWESOME! REFRIDGERATOR 2016!""""
"
211683,"My bank called me today to alert me my card was used for a gym membership and they doubted it was legit because they see where I go to eat.
"
110092,"Which whiskey should you buy if you want to dance all night? Wild Twerky!
"
77239,"I hate people who support the Nazis They're such deutschbags.
"
152723,"[interview] Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread Me: That's right [cut to supermarket] Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
"
210593,"How does a blind parachutist know when to pull his rip-chord? The leash goes slack...
"
185242,"If you're a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I'mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
"
231187,"What's black and white . . . What's black and white and loves kids? Michael Jackson
"
181360,"I bet we'd have to say 'The steaks are pretty high' if a herd of cows ever got into a field of marijuana.
"
228509,"Saw geese flying in a v formation and my friend asked me if I knew why one side was longer than the other. More geese dumbass.
"
32560,"An entire generation does not know what the hell is happening when a movie pans over to a wall calendar and the pages magically fly away.
"
60691,"Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi's worst nightmare.
"
120784,"""""No. Delete it."""" -Mona Lisa
"
158624,"I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
"
165193,"Obama has been endorsed by Warren Buffett, Colin Powell, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates. Romney has been endorsed by Lindsay Lohan.
"
35302,"Difference between Memory and RAM? What is the difference between Memory and RAM? I can't Memory my junk in a girl's butt.
"
145488,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Callas ! Callas who ? Callas should be removed by a podiatrist !
"
133338,"Knock, knock! Who's there? Opportunity That is impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!
"
16604,"Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
"
59191,"I put a beaker of sodium hydroxide on a biography. It was base on a true story.
"
146247,"How Old Is Your Father Teacher: """"How old is your father?"""" Boy: """"As old as me."""" Teacher: """"How can that be?"""" Boy: """"He became a father only when I was born?""""
"
63911,"The Rocky Mountains Ever since Colorado passed amendment 64, legalizing marijuana, there have been talks of renaming the Rocky Mountains to the Stoney Mountains.
"
51508,"What's a thoughtful person's favourite dip? Hmmmus.
"
142779,"Q: What did the Momma Buffalo say to her child as he left for school? A: Bison!
"
122922,"I wonder if mutes ever sign """"Now that's what I'm talking about!""""
"
67201,"The bonus of simple origami is twofold.
"
32927,"Wanna hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable!
"
114432,"I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked. The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low.
"
205973,"Statistically, 9 out of 10 people... ...repost.
"
22312,"Historic moments in rap. Jay W [username taken] Jay X [username taken] Jay Y [username taken] Jay Z
"
101838,"I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.
"
147303,"What do you call a group of poor homeless people that show up to a party? Party paupers
"
48309,"**SEX.** SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX. Now that you have my attention, go do the dishes for me.
"
6389,"What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine's day? A hug and a little quiche.
"
4563,"Have you heard about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally.
"
136843,"I fell and hit my head on my drum set today... Me: Dad, I think I have a concussion Dad: No son, you have a PER-cussion
"
218750,"What do you call an EDM party full of serial killers at the bottom of the ocean? Deep-rave.
"
155055,"My Australian friend asked a Kiwi: """"What's a Hindu?"""" """"...it lays iggs.""""
"
104234,"Pluto: You dumped me, now all you do is drive by real slow and take pictures
"
222142,"*therapist writes in pad* Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me- *therapist jumps* Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
"
212038,"What does a Victoria's Secret Black Friday sale have in common with a girl about to get a spanking? Both have panties half-off.
"
42682,"If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they're okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
"
229694,"My love life is like magic... Because it dosen't exist
"
41257,"My kids never finish their dinner because they're saving room for bath water.
"
20152,"Why was the broom late to the meeting? It over swept
"
131557,"""""I'd pap that."""" - Gynecolgist
"
53647,"Where do the Russian separatists go to complain about their lives? Crimea River
"
89154,"You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate? Yeah, she's staying at my house this week.
"
52557,"Whaddya call a large lizard in a trench coat? an investigator.
"
39660,"How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.
"
98069,"Did you know what 6.9 is? its a good thing screwed up by a period
"
205611,"So I decided to write a song about tortillas... Well, it's actually more of a wrap.
"
41301,"A Chinese baby was born prematurely. Parents named him Sudden Lee.
"
176144,"Those days I only knew six words if you count muther fucker as two.
"
180516,"2 married mathematicians have fratenal twins They name the boy Adam, and the girl Subtractam
"
201231,"COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest?? COP 2: easy...he was in the water they drop on forest fires WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO
"
33204,"[rubs magic lamp] GENIE: You get 3 wishes """"Anything?"""" GENIE: No wishin for more wishes """"I wish for more genies"""" GENIE: I don't like you
"
103899,"What are the magic words for making a spoiled asparagus edible? Impairagus Repairagus
"
132845,"What is a duck's favorite TV show ? The feather forecast !
"
209016,"Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the  Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
"
20583,"What's the best part of being a lesbian in 1912? Both got seats on the titanic's lifeboats.
"
186004,"Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident? She got cut off by a dick.
"
156083,"Man Desperately Clicks Away From Article He Didn't Realize Was A Video
"
26162,"How many ADD/ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb? Wanna go ride bikes?
"
231255,"Why do cannibals never go hungry? Because they can make themselves dinner.
"
205945,"A boomerang walks into a bar... Bartender says, """"Hey, I thought I threw you out of here!""""
"
36580,"If the Nazi's were a football team, what would be their favorite play? Blitz!
"
120086,"""""Oh no. We dripped cheese dip on the cat. I'll get it"""" *she grabs a shirt* """"Hey don't use that!"""" *hands her a chip*
"
195225,"Whats the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls? You can t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
"
30798,"What do you call a place showcasing gay people in their natural environment? A queerium
"
174003,"What state did the programmer start her road trip in? Maine
"
115526,"I took a public speaking class in college. I did a presentation about Free Speech. It was mostly just about the website where I downloaded my speech.
"
62661,"What does Tim Cook do when he's home alone at night? Jack off
"
133584,"The worst political jokes..... Are the ones that find themselves getting elected.
"
44469,"My mute grandfather always said:
"
187699,"I just got home and found someone had stolen my bed! I walked in and it was gone. Honestly, i'm not lying
"
199809,"What if Aliens don't want to visit us because they're all women and they want us to make the first move.
"
127036,"Why is the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in Coffee instead of Caw Fee.
"
83836,"How did the pig get to the hospital? In a hambulance.
"
75596,"One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
"
145547,"A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, """"What'll it be?"""" The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.
"
205933,"I recently switched to an all Middle Eastern diet and can't say I recommend it I falafel.
"
20632,"If Olive oil is made from olives - baby oil made from what? *is
"
68143,"Where do I see myself in ten years? I don't know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*
"
54438,"Did you hear about the narcoleptic hair stylist? He dyed in his sleep.
"
85969,"Breaking News: Playboy to eliminate nude pictures from their magazine. """"What's a magazine?"""" asked every guy under 30.
"
105948,"What does a blonde woman is doing with her ear bonded to the wall ? Listening *house*.
"
125470,"do bird watchers not know about tv
"
481,"Keep in mind that """"The Cat in the Hat"""" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...
"
5605,"What do you do if attacked by a clan of clowns? Go for the juggler
"
28149,"What does Tupac Shakur and Oceans 13 have in common?... They were both shot in Vegas!
"
182841,"NERD JOKE: What is the difference between a refrigerator and a one foot tall man painting the side of a house? Answer: On a quantum level, there is no difference.
"
136817,"What's better than double-fisting a newborn? HADOUKEN!!!
"
154847,"How did Bob loose his job at the sperm bank? He was always drinking on the job
"
52338,"Here's a joke about my browser history: [deleted]
"
14830,"Which group of people are the best at jazz? The Saxons!
"
45507,"What do you call a Russian with three testicles? Whodyouknickabollokoff
"
54681,"What's the difference between a WWE wrestler and a soccer player? A WWE wrestler will get up after faking an injury.
"
112376,"What do you call a fat Chinese person? Double Chin
"
20077,"PLEASE LEAVE A VOICEMAIL (if you're calling from 1986)
"
92765,"What did the singers say right before they had sex? Let's duet! I am so proud for coming up with this one
"
38384,"What is the world's fastest land animal? The Ethiopian chicken
"
187344,"I am listening carefully, but let's be honest, your menu options haven't changed.
"
31550,"What musician has the hardest instrument to play? A Tromboner.
"
221683,"Do you know how you piss off a bunch of people at once? http://www.redditstatic.com/reddit500.png
"
107619,"What's the difference between a blonde and your job? Your job still sucks after 6 months.
"
84197,"What did the surgeon say to his constipated patient? Cut that shit out!
"
139135,"I bet hipsters love Mondays just to be ironic, but mostly because they're unemployed.
"
84971,"My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, """"urinate out of ten.""""
"
228977,"Volkswagen are a bunch of cheats... Audi you think they Passat their diesel tests for all these years? They would have never Beetle their CCompetition if they hadn't.
"
226533,"What's the difference between the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Charlie Sheen? Charlie Sheen's winning.
"
33828,"What does a Trumpie say when they see video of Trump saying the N-word? """"I can't believe how racist Shillary is for showing this video.""""
"
181069,"According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
"
72059,"Saw an ad for a mirror. It said """"Never used"""". How, then, did they know it was a mirror?
"
125206,"Sh*t happens all the time , just flush and move on.
"
21102,"Little Known Fact: Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
"
180113,"How was the copper wire invented? Two Jews were fighting over a penny.
"
119863,"Made a reverse chain letter that said 'delete this email or you get bad luck!' and then deleted it without sending. Then I called it a day.
"
210830,"I hope I never have to produce an alibi...cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
"
157175,"Whats the difference between a Greyhound bus station and a Lobster with a breast implant? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean ;)
"
36448,"Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
"
211259,"Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, """"EARTHQUAKE!"""" Sadly, like many, she's not prepared
"
128673,"""""I liked small butts. I was lying."""" - Sir Mix-A-Lot's teary deathbed confession
"
25033,"I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.
"
147695,"How does a crackhead order their whiskey? On the rocks
"
123100,"What is the meaning of life? All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
"
135050,"It's six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
"
34110,"Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking? I can't pair wines like this.
"
67754,"My sister won a horse pulling contest She went so fast she nearly fell off her stool.
"
42730,"How many blondes does it take to screw a light bulb?? Just 1...blondes will screw anything.
"
180363,"There's nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
"
125199,"Why does 7 and 8 feel very uncomfortable? Because they're stuck between a 69.
"
49543,"I saw a bald eagle take a shit mid-flight today. I've never been prouder to be an American.
"
102825,"6 said he isn't sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money. -No DNA test needed
"
209662,"Fact: If you sneak away to fart loudly in private and get caught by some innocent person walking by, you have to now hate that person.
"
112371,"My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
"
132266,"When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance I said """"maybe she went black"""" and now I don't have to help with homework
"
30766,"What can a goose do, that a duck can't, that a lawyer should ? Stick his bill up his ass.
"
190916,"[at hairstylist] Make me look like I'm running really fast.
"
174224,"What is DNA short for? National Dyslexics Association
"
163767,"I don't like listening to loud frequencies. After a while, it hertz your ears.
"
80167,"A guy goes into a military surplus store... ..and asks the owner if he has any camouflage jackets. He says, """"I've got hundreds, but I can't find any of them!""""
"
160011,"Snow White and the Three Dwarfs met Goldilocks and the Seven Bears at a party last week They exchanged numbers
"
31175,"I made a list on how to do an impersonation of Victor Meldrew a) Don't b) Leave it
"
131787,"How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A Brazilian.
"
47596,"I asked a grocery store clerk to help me find the vodka Turns out he was my spirit guide.
"
214577,"Why was the scientist allowed to use dolphins for his experiments? Because they were for test porpoise only
"
131154,"How many ears does Captain Picard have? A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear.
"
145618,"This is a better joke than feminism. Just kidding, there's no better joke than feminism.
"
97096,"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result but I still get up every morning.
"
118340,"Obama is a lot like college Everyone wants four more years, but nobody wants to pay for it.
"
222658,"Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
"
52738,"How can you tell if a girl is under 18? Ask her if she is a Bernie Sanders supporter.
"
183983,"What did the German physicist use to drink his beer? Ein stein. - From Big Nate, as told by my kid.
"
57175,"Who proofread Hitler's speeches? A grammar nazi
"
84745,"What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair
"
196287,"My barber is a specialist in road map  shaves. How come? When he's finished your face is full of short cuts.
"
19979,"Donald Trump is 69. Let's hope the death trend carries on. Third time's the charm.
"
127919,"What is a goat's favourite form of comedy? Satyre.
"
172858,"A Collection of Great Comedians Jokes Just found a collection of great comedians jokes and thought I'd share it. [Here's the link!](http://famehorse.com/collection-of-great-comedians-jokes/)
"
123834,"No need for instructions when building something, just put it together all wrong & then read them later after taking it apart to start over.
"
48585,"Caught my wife cheating with the neighbor today so I smashed our big screen tv onto his head. That will teach them to prewatch the jeopardy dvr and try to outscore me without me knowing!
"
104205,"What's blue and orange &amp; sits at the bottom of a swimming pool? A baby with burst armbands.
"
46199,"[updating CW's iPhone] M: You need more gigs CW: I don't need no gigs I got a job Having a smart phone doesn't make you smart.
"
57652,"What do you call a little kid with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
"
211061,"First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I'll do in the air.
"
6728,"What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
"
60957,"In the jungle, the mighty jungle. Cecil sleeps forever.
"
93496,"I'm home alone eating donuts and listening to Journey. I think I can stop believin' now.
"
228805,"Why shouldn't you wear loose fitting shorts when visiting Ukraine? Because Chernobyl fallout
"
33982,"What insect runs away from everything ? A flee !
"
68076,"I lost my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.
"
109249,"what was Joan of Arc's hidden talent? She could really cook.
"
223564,"What happened to Kim Jong? He was ill.
"
89688,"Most people don't realize that Iron Man.. Is a Fe-male.
"
67613,"If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn't she make herself some pets? I'd have like 50 snowcats by now.
"
191863,"I too lost 120 pounds... And the Judge says the bitch gets to keep the house...
"
218661,"My Wife was dead and rotting for a week... ..and i thought she was just having her periods.
"
66275,"If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.
"
71184,"i like shaking hands with old guys with really tough hands because it feels like im grabbing onto a horse saddle
"
49564,"How does a painter support their art in this economy? Easel-y
"
230075,"My wife says I have a drinking problem.. I don't remember ever getting blackout drunk though.
"
125071,"What do religions and gender have in common? You hear about a new one every day and none of them make any sense.
"
17472,"Why are ghosts always dehydrated? They have a lot of boos but no water
"
77017,"Q: What do you get Devin Hester for Christmas?? A: Nothing - he'll just return it!
"
219418,"Your mama is so dirty Her crabs have dirt bike races.
"
79933,"I got lost in a corn field. It was quite a maize.
"
198278,"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the light bulb will change when it's ready
"
161203,"Of course Tom Brady got twice the suspension Ray Rice did. Ray Rice only beat his wife, Tom Brady beats everybody.
"
53881,"Where's my cell? """"Right there."""" That's not my phone. """"Yes it is. I cleaned it!"""" My cell's white?
"
21729,"Why isn't there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
"
119363,"What did the boulder say to the other boulder? I rock. You Rock. We Rock. Disclaimer: This joke was made during a 6 hour road trip with the family. My only scenery was rocks.
"
150975,"The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
"
194983,"wife: """"you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings"""" me: [covering penguin's ears] """"he can hear you linda""""
"
151444,"Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
"
62822,"i've been doing home repairs. since i started using black caulk, i haven't gone back.
"
156554,"Make librarians cry by calling it a """"Book Museum"""" while taking pictures with your iPad.
"
213540,"Why was the dietician kicked out of the casino? He was caught counting carbs.
"
177301,"Which has less drunks: an Irish wedding or an Irish funeral? An Irish funeral has one less drunk.
"
47542,"What's black and white and red all over? A penguin dating Chris Brown.
"
124774,"""""I need you to tie my poop together."""" """"What? You've gotta be kidding me!"""" """"No, I shit, you knot.""""
"
136533,"My sex life is like finding a parking spot in town. All the good ones are taken, so sometimes when no one is looking I have to stick it into disabled one.
"
199349,"I just had sex with Jesus Christ I wasn't prepared for his second coming.
"
154015,"I have the heart of a lion.. .. and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
"
192209,"What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They can both smell it but they can't eat it.
"
38160,"What is green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table. [Thanks, Wagon Train camper!]
"
39208,"I found a tumor at Bingo last night. It's okay. It was B9.
"
178755,"[house being raided] [swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
"
123741,"Technology.( Based on true events) My apple watch reminded me to take a minute to breathe right after my grandfather let one rip.
"
147003,"How are vegans okay with drinking water? They can't eat meat, but they can just destroy a fish's home for a glass of water?
"
90413,"New procedure The hospital in my town is becoming pretty progressive and added a new procedure targeted towards transgender women, it's called addadicktome.
"
138270,"Last year, Taylor Swift went on a world tour called TS 1989 That must've been an awkward stop in Beijing
"
15774,"*has no girlfriend or kids* *gives out dating and parenting advice*
"
79550,"How do you make endocrine? Endocrine is not a hormone.
"
97448,"Fun things to do pt 1 When you're stuck in traffic and some guy revs up his engine just yell out """"alright we get it you have a small penis""""
"
69042,"I got you a paracetamol, I said """"I got you a paracetamol"""", I said. """"But I don't have a headache"""", she replied. """"Good, then let's fuck"""".
"
227963,"My mum was called Pearl and my dad was called Dean... Every time I would call them I would go, Hi mum and Pe PA pe PA pe pe PA....
"
10046,"Where would Martin Luther King Jr. be right now if he was white? Alive
"
109886,"Is it all black people that have a problem with slavery? Or just mine ?
"
224874,"A kid locked the boys bathroom. Janitor tells him """"That was a dick move there son"""". The Principal tells him """"Urine a lot of trouble son"""" His friends are pissed at him
"
118865,"A pirate walks into a bar... And orders a bottle of rum. The bar tender says that will be 10 dollars. The pirate replies, """"Do you accept Barrrr Nickels???""""
"
140967,"I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but she was on her period... so I had to pull some strings.
"
9078,"Things I know I cannot do but still try to: 1. Cartwheel 2. Hit the high note 3. Move things with my mind 4. Eat 'just one' 5. Be Cool
"
229744,"[arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE
"
203349,"I met up with my ex-fiance today and immediately began having sex The police did not take it well as I was only asked to identify the body.
"
132172,"a crazy spanish train commits a murder because some guy slept with his train-wife that's a loco motive, ese
"
15992,"Today I told my girlfriend she should really join Reddit cause... We'd be on the same page.
"
217150,"Did you hear about the guy that farted in church? He had to sit in his own pew.
"
221145,"Crayons are a lot like M&M's. All of the colors taste the same.
"
132926,"What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years  old ? A year older on his birthday !
"
4995,"What did the carpenter say to the girl he loved? Oh sweetheart, you are the eye of my maple....
"
145343,"A guy is talking with his friend Edward... ...and asks him: -What do dead and black people have in common? -Well, I don't know. -They both get a rest, Ed.
"
211880,"What 8-letter word has one letter in it? Envelope.
"
230636,"If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler's hand.
"
121709,"That was easy... Said Yoda, after to Staples he went.
"
189965,"What do you a Mars with water? Wars
"
14906,"What do you call it when a banana eats another banana? Canabananalism EDIT: Thanks for all the support, only my second reddit post and I'm surprised this got as many upvote a as it did!
"
35736,"Help me Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only Never mind. Batman's here.
"
111504,"What did Spock find in the toilet? The captains log!
"
145627,"When my girlfriend caught me cheating I told her I got HACKED but she didn't believe me. I guess that only works on Facebook.
"
79409,"What's a cats favorite Mexican dish? A purr-rito
"
122,"What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.
"
83842,"Why did the sick bird come in jail? Because it was an ill-eagle.
"
109473,"When Spongebob has sex he wouldn't make the girl wet. He would dry her up.
"
168665,"Don't tell me you love weddings, you love open bars.
"
131735,"Co-worker: """"If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it's yours to k.."""" Me - """"THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.""""
"
134506,"""""I feel like I got off on the wrong foot."""" - Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
"
183410,"Here's a quick joke for all you telepathic people out there.
"
2818,"Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil? It's pointless
"
36521,"I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me...
"
193155,"A friend of mine told me he hated Smash Mouth... I told him he might as well be walkin' on the sun
"
4269,"retweet if a walrus named jamaal got you pregnant then wouldn't pay child support so you had to take him to Maury
"
141402,"My girlfriend and I joke about which of us is more competitive. But, I joke about it waaaay more than her.
"
31684,"What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
"
16539,"My urge to sing """"The Lion Sleeps Tonight"""" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
"
78587,"Why did the cow go to the psychologist? She had a fodder complex.
"
38192,"Have you heard about the all-lesbian construction crew? well, they don't use studs; it's all tongue &amp; groove :)
"
54655,"Does anyone see this? Test post please respond
"
101402,"I was walking down the street earlier and saw two kids fighting As an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.
"
70929,"Why was the first computer never invited to dinner? It would just take a few bytes then run.
"
52761,"The chameleon couldn't change colors when the time was right... I guess he had a reptile dysfunction.
"
176537,"Anything can be sexual If you think about it long and hard enough.
"
88253,"Opinions are like assholes... I'd rather not hear yours.
"
157353,"Just forgot the word 'bagel' and had to say, """"round toast donut."""" I think I'm having a stroke.
"
41683,"""""Happy birthday! """" - Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait... Did you get me a fake diamond? """"Well, it's not really your 29th birthday either""""
"
41990,"Repost! You're a fucking joke.
"
189848,"Add a word to ruin a movie name: 1- Batman begins...School 2- Charlottes web ... cam 3- the birds...pop 4- Jennifer's body...so hot 5- The cousin's...password
"
157031,"""""Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say beautiful instead."""" """"Fine. Can you pass me the beautiful sauce then?""""
"
201391,"ME: Off to the concert with my friends WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me [later] ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
"
127952,"I heard William Shatner and Stevie Nicks are getting married. She's decided on a double barrelled name Stevie Shatner-Nicks
"
70153,"I was gonna tell you a gay joke... Butt fuck it
"
71774,"We're decorating the tree with the kids today. But now that they're teens it's harder to find branches that will support their weight.
"
67202,"I know what a bird can do that you can't. Whistle through its pecker.
"
41677,"*sees a tweet i don't like from a person i follow voluntarily on a free website* I am entitled to compensation
"
204216,"I should of studied harder in English.
"
174020,"I remember directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene... Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing that theatre needs, others that I ruined the nativity.
"
130234,"What has seven arms and sucks? Def Leppard.
"
88692,"Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn't even begin to cover what's wrong with me.
"
134520,"I just want to be rich enough to add bacon without asking how much more it costs.
"
44710,"Just flipped my son off behind his back because I'm an adult and don't get into arguments with 4 year olds.
"
167342,"It's better to have loved and lost, than live with the idiot for the rest of your life!
"
52555,"Why did Michael Sam, the first openly gay NFL player, say he doesn't shop at Sports Authority? Because he prefers Dick's.
"
213809,"My Chinese friend died today... So Yung
"
26624,"What did the Alabama woman say when she lost her virginity? Dad you're crushing my cigarettes.
"
136369,"If at first you don't succeed... Well, there goes your skydiving career.
"
49956,"Whenever I go to McDonalds, they always ask me """"What can I get you?"""" and I always say """"Give me a second."""" And they always give me the number two.
"
36963,"I too save a bunch of money on car insurance. By not having any.
"
95699,"My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it's my fault.
"
63033,"I tried committing suicide today Not going to do that again almost killed myself
"
145073,"That bitch... Two necrophiliacs were chatting on the phone. One says to the other,""""So how's the girlfriend?"""" He replies, """"Eh, the rottin cunt split on me last night.""""
"
231141,"Calling someone average is mean but I think they are the mean
"
173369,"I was going to make a joke about a broken pencil... but it would be pointless.
"
94456,"I can't believe my back is killing me. My spine has some nerve.
"
197068,"Why was the Amish girl shunned? Too Mennonite.
"
106488,"What do sperm and politicians have in common? About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.
"
189168,"I hate songs about how hard it is to be on the road. Stop being a musician if you don't like it. Apply to law school.
"
231087,"Went to """"The Social Network."""" I ran into people I didn't like in high school and they kept showing me pictures of their kids.
"
34098,"Some people said my dog was too scared to shit itself... Then I replied """"That's why I have to beat them.""""
"
110772,"Why was the doctor stressed? He was losing his patients
"
52606,"Why are people into Flat Earth Theory? Because it's edgy.
"
171901,"""""And remember to talk to everyone like they're a 3rd grader."""" - flight attendant manual
"
186785,"Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine's Day.
"
184004,"HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE WILDERNESS: Call someone and have them come pick you up.
"
117646,"*lays down on memory foam mattress* mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade? me: I regret buying you
"
43647,"""""It's very expensive."""" - Chipotle employee """"Look, I got money to spend in here."""" - Julia Roberts Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
"
46409,"How do color blind people see porn? In fifty shades of gray
"
147096,"What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland ? The Loch Ness Elephant !
"
176623,"I thought I'd just discovered a mass grave for snowmen Turns out it was just a field of carrots
"
229395,"Why couldn't the melons run away and get married? They cantelope.
"
93785,"That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
"
58617,"I was on a date with a girl last night... She told me she had an eating disorder. I looked at her solemnly for a minute and then asked her very nicely: """"So are you gonna eat 'dis order of fries then?""""
"
163991,"Do you want to hear a joke about a psychologist? - Yes. - Why?
"
114296,"if two tanker trucks collide at an intersection, one is carrying water, the other is carrying vinegar, what sound do they make? DOUCHE!!!!
"
140913,"(Starbucks drive thru) Me: I'd like to pay-it-forward for the car behind me. Barista: That will be $30 Me: How much for the car behind him?
"
77716,"What does a virus call a cluster of stars and gas? Nebola
"
85158,"What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes? A pilot, you racist.
"
223296,"I hate moving house... It means I have to go around telling all the neighbours I'm on the sex offenders register again. I'm not, but it sure keeps their kids out of the yard.
"
223472,"A man who calls himself """"Dog the Bounty Hunter"""" is currently hunting down a man named """"War Machine"""". We all live inside a comic book now.
"
64254,"You shouldn't come back, because later you'll still want to leave.
"
116658,"A man goes to the doctor He says, """"Doc, I got a problem. I take a huge shit every morning at 8."""" The doctor asks, """"How is that a problem?"""" The man says, """"I don't wake up until 10:30.""""
"
118354,"HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA GET YOUR VACCINE AT WALGREENS TODAY
"
99364,"2 nuns are riding their bikes to church As they're riding, one nun says to the other """"I've never come this way before"""". The other nun turns to her and says """"It's the cobblestone"""".
"
123538,"Why shouldn't you post to Reddit while driving? becau
"
207558,"Bruce Jenner just got rooted by his own son Right in the pussy
"
31442,"I apologize to everyone that I've ever offended. Just kidding. Could you imagine?
"
146850,"What animal runs around happily with 5 legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten
"
157071,"I wish i was like my coffee. Rich and strong.
"
182429,"What's a caveman's favorite lunchtime meal? A club sandwich.
"
192548,"Doctor Doctor I keep thinking  I'm God When did this start? Well first I created the sun then the earth...
"
81657,"What does a pirate take for his allergies? Aye-drops
"
216875,"214 of the 234 girls rescued in Nigeria from Boko Haram are pregnant? The other 20 girls must feel pretty fucking ugly.
"
37692,"Why can't cows do ballet? Because they lactose.
"
49011,"If I say """"Someone else's God"""", Then say """"Dammit"""" Is it still a sin ?
"
180866,"Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common? A: They were both cooked by a guy named """"Dave"""".
"
102767,"Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette? He didn't have enough money tabaccer!
"
31184,"There are two cavemen sitting by a fire... [OC] One is eating some bugs he found, and he says to the other, """"You like beetles?"""" and his friend says, """"No, *CRUNCH CRUNCH*, me more of a stones guy.""""
"
58444,"Forget everything you learned in college... ...You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are under qualified to work here.'""""
"
10870,"I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
"
26901,"Three men walk into a bar... One said ouch.
"
105807,"What's the difference between an ass kisser and a brown noser? About 2 inches.
"
155042,"Whats big, pink, long and my girlfriend hates when I put it in her mouth? Our miscarriage.
"
202108,"My blood type is A+ because I'm the best at everything. Even at having blood.
"
125016,"Oh dear... I should get out of the way, he's probably trying to catch a bad guy. -me getting pulled over
"
176682,"What did one triangle say to the other triangle about the square? Look out for that guy, he's got another side to him.
"
204998,"How did the mathematician solve his problem with constipation? He worked it out with a pencil
"
169221,"How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
"
167031,"Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
"
100501,"I'm in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don't poop.
"
17938,"*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment* """"Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.""""
"
145562,"An Irishman walks into a bar .... An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says: """"Right, this looks like a fair fight.""""
"
204209,"If they can make crunchy peanut butter, surely they can make crunchy butter.
"
209082,"whats the worst thing about being a black jew? you have to stand in the back of the gas chamber.
"
90995,"Throw me to the wolves and they'll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
"
118306,"The problem with grammar nazis? They're anti-semantic.
"
127627,"The Annual Urology vs Proctology Basketball Tournament ended predictably... Urology is #1 Proctology is #2
"
107614,"What is a carpenters dream girl? Flat as a board, skinny as a nail and easy to screw.
"
15589,"[OC] What does a blind pessimist say? """"What glass?""""
"
93518,"My subscription brings all the newspapers to the yard.
"
69390,"Noel, Noel. Noel, Noel. Born is the king of isrea.
"
134068,"*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword* you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
"
216591,"Illegal immigrants do jobs that Americans don't want. Like marrying Donald Trump.
"
72036,"What is blurrier the more you squint? Everything.
"
8594,"Why did the bowling pins stop working? They went on strike!
"
225393,"Minions.3D.BluRayRiP.4K.aXX0.torrent Talk like a pirate day
"
104450,"Did you hear about the vampire at the circus? He went straight for the juggler
"
213792,"What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns? I think he would be most strict on nail gun control. (Credit to Taylor on PKA)
"
73003,"What was the Sci-fi remake of A Streetcar Named Desire? InterSTELLLLLLLAAAAAAAR
"
183807,"Did you hear the one about Phillip Hughes? He was the first Australian to die of a bowler.
"
211191,"My friend entered a poetry related pun contest. He stanza good chance.
"
9855,"There was a devastating fire in my shoe shop. So many lost Soles.
"
96457,"A towel walks into a bar... He orders a drink, and says """"I'll have it dry.""""
"
69473,"What do toilet paper and The Star Trek Enterprise have in common? They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons.
"
180957,"""""Our new model works 40 percent of the time. Best one, yet. Congratulations, everyone."""" - CEO of automatic paper towel dispenser company
"
202166,"How can you tell your boyfriend has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow.
"
16745,"What did the zero say to the eight? """"Nice belt, fuck face.""""
"
80249,"Two guys walk into a bar.... You would think the first guy would've warned the other.
"
171103,"What does a vulture bring onto a plane? Carrion luggage
"
65721,"What do you call a fat skeleton? big boned
"
103892,"Thank you for telling me the definition of """"many"""". It means alot.
"
73981,"How does Hitler tie his shoes? In little knotsies
"
93677,"I like my women like I like my Whiskey...... About 15 years old, and mixed up with coke.
"
166876,"FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don't know. Prove me wrong.
"
15824,"Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he'll do with both packs.
"
204682,"Why can't Jesus roller skate? Because he's naild to a cross.
"
103402,"Whats a statisticians favourite S Club 7 song? Reach For The **Stats**.
"
86661,"The worst part about being a pedophile is trying to fit in.
"
170232,"Thinking about making a sitcom where two mermaid guys are roommates and calling it """"tuna half men""""
"
94080,"*smashes car through your living room* Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
"
91200,"What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands? Canta Plaus. Source: https://youtu.be/44aiB0vB36Y
"
155355,"ITALIAN MUSTACHES WHY DO MOST ITALIAN MEN HAVE MUSTACHES? A: SO THEY CAN LOOK LIKE MOM
"
77213,"Why Do Jews Make Good Philosophers? They think that everything Israel.
"
78123,"Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin  opener ? He had a bee in his suit of armour !
"
79210,"Just payed a cab driver $10 not to beat two dudes with a tire iron because they didn't have cab fare. #fact #trueshit #newyorkmoment
"
47855,"*leads horse to water* """"You're not gonna drink, are you?"""" *horse neighs* """"It's The Fountain of Eternal Youth."""" Horse: You're not foaling me.
"
180747,"What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't jelly my cock down your throat
"
25146,"9 months later story
"
211780,"What's the difference between a horse dick and a joke? You can't take a joke.
"
36298,"What do you call a wine loving horse? Chardon-neigh.
"
89161,"After 20 years of marriage, the one thing that pisses off my wife ... of 6 years is that I keep a running total.
"
92552,"What do you call a Mexican that's in the rebellion? A Rogue Juan
"
198390,"Why was six afraid of seven Because seven was a registered six offender
"
139655,"I like black people the same way I like racist jokes: I don't like racist jokes.
"
136713,"Having sex is like you're doing fractions it is improper for the larger one to be on top
"
43743,"What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
"
38225,"Posting a status update before responding to someone's text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
"
118664,"What did Shakespeare say when his dog messed up the carpet? *""""Out, damned spot! Out, I say!""""*
"
43936,"I'm not making any resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2003.
"
9057,"What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump's tie.
"
118838,"What's Al Qaida's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
"
92068,"I'll never become a vegetarian I think it would be a huge missed steak.
"
22985,"Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her  birthday. How lovely! Yes but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum's too frightened he'll break it!
"
109057,"Just realized why women love shoes over clothing, because no matter how much weight they gain, the shoes still fit.
"
175170,"Mary Rose sat on a pin Mary rose
"
118672,"Life plan: 1. Befriend shady people. 2. Witness a murder. 3. Enter witness protection & get new name. 4. So long student loans!
"
70344,"Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
"
99924,"Apparently the USA is the biggest contributor to noise pollution in the world My solution: put a silencer in every school
"
141285,"So, I was at work the other day and... My manager asked, """"How good are you at PowerPoint?"""" I said, """"I Excel at it."""" He replied, """"Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"""" I was like, """"Word.""""
"
30361,"How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
"
181079,"What's a lumberjacks favorite animal? A TIMBERwolf
"
172670,"Of all the possible utensils you can use to eat rice... ...how the fuck did two sticks win?
"
103529,"nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free
"
45706,"No matter how hard you try to push that envelope It will still be stationery. ^edit: ^spelling...
"
119079,"A leper gave me the finger the other day I was upset, but I still did the right thing and gave it back
"
138132,"What did the NSA agent say when the blizzard hit? Looks like we're snowed in.
"
74299,"Why did Hitler kill the Jews? Because they're greedy dirty Jews
"
175248,"A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a bar. The priest asked the rabbi, """"Do you get paid for corcumcisions?"""" The rabbi replies """"No, but I keep the tips.""""
"
14267,"Women say they like a man in uniform but I've been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet :(
"
214023,"What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside ? A mouse sandwich !
"
149850,"Whoever invented """"copy and paste"""" should never have to go more than 2 hours without someone's lips around his wiener.
"
24911,"WIFE: you're so overly dramatic ME: no i'm not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting """"no he's not""""] dammit guys, not now
"
96413,"Did you hear about the bureaucrat who was a Platonist? They were really obsessed with forms.
"
18193,"They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn't land on her feet and now I'm in jail for murder.
"
187849,"Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say """"Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.""""
"
13902,"pushing an obese dude down a hill wasn't what i had in mind when you asked me if i wanted to roll a fatty.
"
30901,"A man goes to see a psychologist wear only plastic wrap on his whole body The psychologist says well I can see your nuts
"
228005,"Marijuana is not a gateway drug... I have never been smoking weed and thought, """"I know what this needs! Meth!...""""
"
35086,"(Offensive joke) What kind of pizza did they order on nine eleven? 2 large planes
"
86172,"What do you call a Mexican with crazy intentions? A locomotive!
"
8022,"14-year old Becky writes """"Stop wars"""" as her Facebook status. It gets nine """"likes"""", all from world leaders. Peace reigns forever. She did it.
"
172821,"A Massachusetts man was arrested for illegally keeping over 400 birds in his home. He tried to keep it a secret, but he couldn't keep the birds from tweeting about it.
"
154610,"What did the lightning bolt say to the old oak  tree?  -Hang onto your bark this will be no ordinary spark
"
12871,"I feel sorry for men who don't know how to value women. One look at a woman and I KNOW how much she will cost me.
"
52441,"The hardest part What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheel chair
"
1342,"What the hell is Minecraft? Hitler's lesser known, second, book about his love of knitting.
"
108891,"I thought I liked spheres then I realized they're pointless.
"
88472,"Mum Mum Dad's broken my computer! How did he do that? I dropped it on his head.
"
226120,"I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
"
207597,"My favorite sex position is the JFK... I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.
"
215515,"I swallowed my keys It's a pain in the ass getting in and out of the doors.
"
65704,"Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don't have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
"
70709,"Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should've cooked it on aloha temperature..
"
227688,"Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming """"I'M GONNA CRUMB"""" because I have something wrong with me
"
51049,"I'm such a perv that... ... even the crack of dawn isn't safe.
"
84609,"What do u call an ethopian with a feather up his ass? A dart
"
72502,"Even though the nurse who performed my circumcision did a bad job... I still left her a tip.
"
197463,"What do you call stuffing an orifice with chilies? Jalapenetration.
"
90673,"Almost Is Never Enough Ariana Grande  VINE  Alyssa Light for link video : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjAa6GX8AXw
"
230517,"Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, """"Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.""""
"
182736,"*laughs all the way to the bank* *cries all the way back*
"
159758,"Ordered a pumpkin spice latte this morning and now I have bangs and work at Anthropologie.
"
377,"If these walls could talk I'd fuckin' move out immediately.
"
89063,"If a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls, they call him a stallion. If a stallion sleeps with a bunch of girls, they shut that riding school down.
"
139793,"I asked a city dweller """"Do you know where the post office is?"""" He said, """"Yes,"""" and kept right on walking.
"
171755,"My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
"
153807,"How does Voldemort seal his mail? With his Parceltongue. (...I'll see myself out)
"
62478,"Sometimes I feel bad for thugs when I realize they can't enjoy a cup of hot cocoa with a bunch of marshmallows without risking street cred.
"
50683,"I am gonna die with this joke http://www.thegeekbyte.com/install-wordpress-localhost/
"
198786,"Tell me a joke. Make me laugh I need to hear a joke make me laugh please
"
43333,"Why is it really hard to convince Egyptians? Because they all live in de-nile...
"
14556,"There is probably a lot of ATM security camera footage of me rocking the fuck out.
"
189147,"If Microwaves were people... They would be your one friend who always runs into something or knocks something down when you're trying to sneak into the house at 3 am.
"
13825,"When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
"
43571,"*in bed* Him: what's your fantasy, baby? Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold Him: No, like sexual Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
"
39793,"Cop: Sir, can you step outside please? Me: Sir? Awww! You are SO polite! Cop: Excuse me? Me: Now you're just showing off.
"
211084,"Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
"
137709,"I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler
"
188227,"How do you make 3 pounds of fat attractive? Put a nipple on it.
"
34595,"My new year's resolution is to stop using spray deodorant. Roll on 2015!
"
8316,"With so many unhappy married couples and a 50% divorce rate, I think it's pretty obvious that Americans don't breed well in captivity.
"
212212,"Why did Ken and Barbie never have any kids? Ken always came in a different box.
"
28808,"Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there Me: C'mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem
"
218102,"Why did Europe start the first World War? They did't like being sans-Ferdinand.
"
156512,"The sausage principle. If you like something, never find out how it's made.
"
188729,"Boobs are proof that guys can pay attention to two things at once
"
128374,"How do you know if a pepper is starting a fight with you? It gets jalapeno face.
"
98807,"What do Canadians put on their steaks? Eh-1 (Sorry)
"
159953,"What do you call a Bronie in the military? A GIbronie!
"
45094,"I told my SO that now Movember is over they should shave their mustache. She didn't take it very well.
"
48277,"How did Mars feel when the colonists were approaching? Terra-fied.
"
94969,"I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.
"
134856,"I have a serious self-loathing problem! Trust me to say that...
"
230645,"Just spent 15 minutes explaining football to my 5-year-old daughter. Now I think I'll go explain health care reform to the cat.
"
9365,"How did the shellfish win the underwater beauty pageant? Using saxitoxin.
"
114936,"How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can't figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?
"
193094,"My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances Well, she's in for a shock
"
186725,"How do you make a drummers car more aerodynamic? You remove the pizza delivery sign! Hahahahaaa..ha
"
159696,"What language do pigs speak? Depends on which country they're from.
"
128310,"To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.
"
33352,"Knock knock. Who's there? The pilot, let me in.
"
156780,"Respect to this dude at CVS whose sole purchase is Frosted Flakes
"
185711,"Why don't people get married in North Korea? Well, all marriages are legal in North Korea, but no one has them because there's no rice to throw.
"
25996,"Sexist double Standard: """"If a girl fucks a ton of guys, she gets called a slut..."""" But if a guy does that same, he gets called a homo.
"
162876,"What Do You Call A Mexican From The Caribbean? A Carabiner
"
146077,"Two peanuts walking down a street One was a salted....
"
145753,"What do you call an aligator that likes to wear vests when no one else is around? A private investigator.
"
2697,"An Eel asked an Eagle: do you know why we can't team up? Eagle: No, why? Eel: Because it would be EEL-Eagle!
"
150354,"And now for the most stupidest joke ever. How do you say the word """"peanuts"""" *without* the letter """"t""""? Think about it.
"
146396,"My 5 year old's original joke My son came up with this one. Clever, I thought. What has one wheel, spins, but never moves? A Ferris wheel.
"
174338,"I'm at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.
"
132120,"Why did the cow jump over the moon? To get to the Milky Way!
"
155256,"Your face is the human equivalent of a blue screen Just came up with it, think its alright. Thoughts?
"
162594,"A man named Phil realized he was gay one night.... It was very Phil-filling
"
136740,"Oprah and Hilary have a backup plan if trump wins The catcher in the rye is going to be featured in Oprah's book club
"
11830,"Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies
"
87173,"I bet Hemingway would've deleted a shitload of tweets the next day.
"
101999,"What do you call a quantum physicist's hair style? Schrodinger's cut
"
97396,"What's a pirate's favorite programming language? You might think it's R, but his first love has always been the C.
"
228703,"Me: *pooping with the door open* Olive Garden Mgr: """"I know what the slogan says ma'am, we aren't THAT kind of family.""""
"
111986,"There's a man waiting on the bus Then the busdriver yells at him: get off the roof my bus!
"
170972,"Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. How long it took for you to figure it out?
"
131979,"What's up late and optimistic?
"
204048,"Why is the suicide rate so low for Puerto Ricans? You can't jump out of a basement apartment.
"
150700,"I said to my Doctor, """"I've become a can of deodorant."""" He said, """"Are you sure?"""" I replied, """"No, I'm Lynx.""""
"
24756,"It's amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone.
"
38877,"Deleting cookies from my browser history is fine but I'd rather delete cookies from my eating history.
"
10510,"A classic among my friends Knock knock. Who's there? Allah. Allah who?  Allahu akbarrrrrrrrrr-
"
216441,"English version of Breaking bad in progress It will last one season with only one episode where Walt will be diagnosed with Cancer but will get treated by NHS and wil end up living on benefits.
"
72540,"Ever hear about the Jesus Bomb? Red bull and merlot
"
68178,"2 Smurfs stand over a body... """"What happened?"""" """"Choked on a sandwich."""" """"Nobody helped?"""" """"No."""" """"Didn't they see him turning bl-"""" """"..."""" """"Oh.""""
"
42596,"Just watched two of my kids try and fail to open a cereal box so I've concluded that playing Mozart during pregnancy is bullshit.
"
139614,"90s Kids won't get this either Smallpox
"
84158,"Q: What do you get when you cross a camera with a mirror? A: A camera that takes pictures of itself.
"
95047,"Why are friendzone'd guys always sick? They suffer from m'ladies
"
7907,"How many feminist does it take to screw in a light bulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY
"
125789,"Me: we're throwing a surprise party for Tim Wife: don't you hate Tim? Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
"
28082,"I always thought Hamlet was the story of a small pig.
"
34104,"Why do they call them thunder storms and not lightning storms? Thunder storms just *sound* better
"
159566,"What do you call a man with his big toe above his shin? Tony
"
46887,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.
"
105174,"What's the difference between Christmas and the Great Marianas Turkey Shoot? At Christmas, there's a nip in the air.
"
8927,"Coughing problems -My wife is constantly coughing. We have tried everything and nothing helps. -Have you tried weed? -Yes, she is coughing and laughing.
"
6044,"What did the dyslexic bank robber say when he robbed the bank? """"Air in the hands motherstickers! This is a fuck up!""""
"
64033,"If I was an origami penguin, where would I hide?
"
61085,"So you like limericks, huh? On the Breast of a woman named Gale was tattooed the price of her tail and on her behind for the sake of the blind was the same information in braile.
"
125268,"A psychic midget has escaped from prison Yes, we have a small medium at large.
"
141437,"What does it sound like to shoot yourself in the foot twice? Pao! Pao!
"
181221,"Did you hear about the monster who lost all his hair in the war? He lost it in a hair raid.
"
22893,"What do I say when my favorite spice knocks on the door? Cumin!
"
196686,"In Canada... ...you are more likely to be killed by a moose than a terror plot. Damn Mooselisms.
"
41621,"[wife calls] did you write """"make all the traps from home alone"""" on the calendar [me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] """"no""""
"
171790,"Why is semen white and pee yellow? So you know whether he's coming or going.
"
185622,"A Rabbi was drinking his Tea. And turned into a Rabbit.
"
197965,"I couldn't decide whether or not to buy this new king sized mattress I'm going to sleep on it.
"
180204,"On April 16, 2017, a small French city will detach from the surface of the Earth and fly into space, killing everyone. It's just Toulouse.
"
150537,"What was the name of King Arthur's fattest knight? Sir Cumference. (He ate too much pi)
"
17677,"The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won't be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
"
64765,"What's a dog's favorite chip? Ruffles :)
"
190946,"Teacher : What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air ? Pupil : It's stolen !
"
39929,"My jeans say """"no more Christmas goodies"""" but my leggings are like """"we got you, gurrrl""""
"
13949,"Fifteen years ago we had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs and Bob Hope. Now we have no cash, no jobs and no hope.
"
124580,"What's red and invisible at the same time? No tomatoes.
"
189028,"M-I can't go. My Ewok is sick. H-Gigi that's a stuffed animal. M- H- M-Crap. I think you're right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
"
217041,"Fancy Dress Party tonight. Going as a masturbating guy with Leprosy Hope I can pull it off.
"
92346,"What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life? Fred and George Weasley.
"
98015,"Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
"
26390,"People keep telling me to start thinking for myself... I'm not sure what they want me to think about.
"
125791,"[presidents 2km race - finish line] OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record? CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
"
165451,"What do you call an American linguist, philosopher, cognitive scientist, logician, political commentator, social justice activist, and anarcho-syndicalist advocate who doesn't eat ham? NO-HAM CHOMPSKY
"
153804,"Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
"
217762,"I saw a sale ad for Extenze male enhancement pills... it was half off!
"
225184,"Black humor jokes? Post here some funny black humor jokes !I am boooring as hell and you guys make me laugh everytime,so please!
"
155836,"What kind of gay sex are u havung http://youtu.be/KWOk0xh_dV8
"
55127,"Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.
"
8777,"What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig ? A teddy boar !
"
95562,"And your 2015 Miss Universe is Columbia! -Steve Harvey
"
230378,"Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? You would too if your name was *ahruaergtw*
"
47938,"A dog limps into a bar... and says"""" I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.""""
"
3136,"Sex is not the answer... Sex is the question. """"Yes"""" is the answer
"
43358,"Afraid your kid might be a commie? Well if he paints one of his bedroom walls red with some yellow stars or a hammer and sickle, that's a huge red flag.
"
165285,"My dog did this i was going outside for 5 minutes and I told my dog not to poop in the house. When I came back, he had pooped in the house.
"
124892,"Yo momma's so white... When she passes through a prism more prisms come out
"
139579,"If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.
"
189066,"When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you're not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.
"
30495,"Four girlscout cookie boxes down in a day and I realized I have a problem ... I'm running out of cookies.
"
133285,"I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.
"
63198,"If life gives you lemons, you migth be lysdexic
"
114788,"Yeah, bitches! I just sharpened a pencil with a KNIFE. I feel like such a man. I'm gonna go show my mom. BRB
"
25868,"My grandfather had alzheimers...
"
148071,"Sometimes a man's idea of honesty in a relationship is telling you his real name.
"
82923,"Good cop: u want a drink? Good cop 2: I love your shirt Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
"
165766,"I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming """"WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?"""" And that's my long-term solution to religion.
"
183508,"Weekend's coming up. Time to surf the real world.
"
110520,"Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.
"
16862,"Whenever your girlfriend tells you she's on her period remember not to say things like """"that explains it.""""
"
29768,"Why did a Stripper run for mayor? Because she did great on the pole
"
36223,"GOD: Moses!! I COMMAND YOU TOcan you take your shoes off MOSES: What? Why G: I'm trying to keep the place nice, OK? M: It's a mountain
"
119814,"What dries your clothes but can also make you writhe around in agony? A tumblr.
"
134881,"Mc'Donalds in hurricanes No wonder McDonalds places are still open during hurricane sandy. None off their customers can blow away anyways
"
87397,"""""Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest"""" - T-Rex singing """"Head, shoulders, knees and toes"""".
"
146696,"I've been asked to take care of the neighbour's cat. They aren't on holiday - they're just really lazy.
"
220924,"Did you hear about the actress who stabbed her husband at dinner? That blonde girl Reese.... Not Witherspoon, with her knife.
"
210731,"A man goes to the doctor... ...to seek treatment for both premature ejaculation and diarrhea. The doctor simply shrugs and says """"Easy come, easy go.""""
"
77409,"the real reason you shouldn't flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat
"
226837,"""""Here's the problem... You've got a Pokemon up there"""" - me, as a proctologist
"
148036,"The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
"
181609,"My ex texted """"You've got a friend in me. XoXo"""". I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
"
140456,"Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
"
40890,"You know why yoga is so unpopular for men? Well women don't mind muff diving but dudes don't like to suck their own dicks.
"
178973,"Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with """"If you're reading this, I'm already dead.""""
"
114176,"(NSFW) What's the difference between a clever dwarf and a blue waffle? Well one's a cunning runt...
"
179308,"How do you drown a hipster? Drag him into the mainstream.
"
110942,"What is Steve Job's favorite food? *Nothing because he's dead*
"
91212,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Triskaidekaphobia.
"
197876,"2 peanuts walk into a bar... One was a salted
"
30928,"Do you never want the party to end? Now, it doesn't have to! Introducing, DRUGS.
"
3546,"Daughter: Here you go! Me: You're my favorite. Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite! Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
"
133621,"Opportunity knocks only once, if you hear a second knock it's probably a Jehovah's witness.
"
12411,"We're sorry Micky Mouse, but your wife being crazy is not reasonable grounds for a divorce! I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!
"
189300,"I always finish sandwiches because there will already be too many regrets when I die.
"
18283,"Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. 
"
217064,"How was the hamburger murdered? First it was 'rolled' then smothered in onions
"
138068,"I was in the pharmacy today... A man approached me offering either a blue pill or a red pill. I didn't know staying in false reality gave you a 24 hour erection.
"
26253,"Why can't Chinese people eat Swans? They don't have a Pitchfork. (This is a music reference joke)
"
75317,"How can you tell if a Redditor is a female? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
"
205361,"What did the dominatrix say to Dwayne Johnson before they got started? I'm about to be peoples elbow deep in the rocks bottom.
"
211196,"Left-handed people can't do anything right.
"
19110,"What do you call a cheap circumcision? ...a rip off.
"
208878,"How do poor people make it rain? They don't.
"
153648,"What's the difference between modern pop and Christmas music? One is 6 people singing 100 songs, the other is 100 people singing 6 songs.
"
165986,"How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.
"
134341,"How many people does it take to screw a lightbulb? Just one guy with a really weird fetish.
"
149366,"How to get Laid: Lay in bed. Wait two hours. Lay becomes past tense.
"
164573,"Did you hear about the man who was born without any ears? Niether did he.
"
217845,"What's the difference between a washing machine and a festie chick... A washing machine wont follow you around all summer after you popped a load in it.
"
175111,"What do you call a person who fights fire? Firefighter.
"
30764,"So I hear Trump wants to ban shredded cheese. Says he's going to make America grate again.
"
72473,"Doctor doctor people tell me I'm a  wheelbarrow. Don't let people push you around.
"
55363,"Would headphones get tangled in space? no, they would knot
"
214097,"A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fcuker survived the crash.
"
219614,"Knock Knock..... who's there? Owls. Owls Who? Yes they do...
"
128396,"What's the Dumbest thing you've ever Done? Thank you very much for honest sharing.
"
222479,"I thought I'd tell you a good time travel joke... but you didn't like it.
"
172120,"Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware.
"
73246,"What's a word that starts with """"u"""" and ends with """"w""""? Cloning.
"
142800,"Who named their company after your dick? Bill Gates.
"
64921,"What do you call a 2x4 that lost its family to a fire? mourning wood
"
77659,"How does Microsoft count to 10? 1, 2, 3, 95, 98, ME, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.
"
204329,"Being a conservative, I set all our clocks back 23 hours. I just can't stomach the idea of moving anything forward.
"
149281,"When boy scouts leave a campsite better than they found it, I like to picture a bear who went to interior design school like, """"Oh HELL naw.""""
"
184089,"When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me No
"
190241,"I can't date fat women anymore... I just found out I'm lactose intolerant. Note: I just heard this from some landscapers as I walked my dog.
"
129855,"""""Found"""" a nest of ground bees and got stung multiple times. But I was able to remove all the stingers. So yes, my pullout game is strong.
"
30436,"I cry when I cut my carrots because I don't want my onions to feel awkward.
"
86988,"So how does this work now? Does General McChrystal have to give up his Foursquare """"Mayor specials"""" in Kandahar?
"
57761,"I hate in your end. O. (innuendo)
"
207566,"What did the mexican student say when he was asked to turn in his essay? I ain't no snitch.
"
60049,"Sometimes I take out my headphones, walk to class, graduate college, get married, file for divorce, and then finish untangling my headphones
"
29227,"What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesn't scream in the oven
"
50882,"I was having the best day of my life But then I woke up.
"
140720,"Please don't tell me about your methods of increasing drag on your car It would be a spoiler alert
"
197830,"One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom.
"
209345,"To the 20 year old girl who wrote an essay claiming she is too pretty to be allowed to lead a normal life:Same.
"
33224,"They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian... They're not laughing now.
"
48377,"How do mussels reproduce? They shuck eachother.
"
152865,"So Russia has been running out of resources lately... I guess you can call them the Red Scarce.
"
144060,"How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
"
229856,"Culturally no one in alaska dates in the winter. When asked why, one alaskan replied, """"We try, but its hard to break the ice.""""
"
144760,"What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes... *WHACK*...""""Dang it!"""" And the other goes... """"Dang it!""""...*WHACK*
"
61984,"Why was the bodybuilder arrested at the elementary school? Because it was a gun-free zone
"
224796,"I'm going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
"
115126,"One of my friends went up to my Portuguese dad.... and asked """"You're Portuguese, right?"""" He said """"No, I'm Portugoose. There's is only one of me""""
"
66052,"What if you had an eye in your asshole? Imagine all the shit you would see...
"
77938,"What does sex have in common with a savings account... What does sex have in common with a savings account? Answer is: """"You lose interest once you make a withdrawal"""".
"
162295,"I said to the wife, """"I'm horny."""" """"What you want me to do?"""" """"Have sex with me."""" """"Oh, really?"""" """"No, just joking,"""" I laughed. """"I just wanted to give you a headache.""""
"
28776,"What is the linguistic description of sentences like 'ho ho ho' and 'merry Christmas'? They are both santa clauses.
"
152018,"Them: What would you do if you knew that you couldn't fail? Me: Probably eat spaghetti while wearing a clean gray sweatshirt.
"
91414,"Did you hear about the ointment... Did you hear about the ointment that couldn't stop talking about politics? When confronted, he said he was just trying to be topical.
"
123824,"Why don't you .... A husband asks his wife after sex """"Honey why don't you ever tell me when you are having an orgasm?"""" She replies """"Well I would Dear but you are never home.""""
"
49061,"I buy all my guns from a guy named """"T-Rex"""" He's a small arms dealer
"
210150,"My girlfriend is leaving me because I won't stop singing Linkin Park songs. I tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
"
158605,"Why is masturbating in France like cooking an egg? Because in both cases you're cracking one oeuf
"
155109,"School of Terrorism, Suicide Bomber course... Instructor: *Alright pay attention class, I'm only gonna do this once.*
"
151892,"I got my wife a plunger for her birthday... because she just LOVES bringing up old shit.
"
147373,"50 cent filed for bankruptcy... That makes no cents.
"
88147,"Doctor Doctor I'm scared of Father Christmas Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.
"
185820,"Who is the oppostite of Cristopher Walken? Christopher Reeve
"
113674,"A man goes to a prostitute and later he finds out he has crabs. When he goes back to complain, the prostitute says """"It was only five dollars, what did you expect, lobster?""""
"
170082,"'I'm sorry' and """"My bad"""" mean the same thing ... except at a funeral.
"
162544,"A Jewish boy asks his father for $20. His father says, """"Ten dollars? What do you need five dollars for?""""
"
219610,"Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my """"funny"""" status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
"
41479,"""""But mom! I don't like grandma."""" """"Keep quiet, son, and finish your plate.""""
"
96527,"Why do cavemen drag their women by their hair? Because if you drag them by their feet their cunts fill up with mud.
"
222196,"Colin from """"Whose Line Is It Anyway"""" just quit. Apparently he felt like he was making a Mochrie of himself.
"
21062,"Where's the best place to do a mannequin challenge? In a morgue.
"
111602,"How do red necks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin
"
225054,"Patient: Doc what should I do with all the gold and silver in my mouth? Dentist: Don't smile in a bad neighborhood.
"
73596,"I Walked In On My Dad Chopping Onions Up One Day... It made me cry. Onions was my favorite dog.
"
203642,"What's the best part of having sex with a transsexual? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
"
148682,"What do you call an Asian guy with a great work ethic? Task Oriental.
"
145303,"Would you rather have $5 dollars OR... Have your favorite WNBA team win the championship
"
14113,"Two Congressmen are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, """"Pass the soap."""" The second one says, """"No SOPA, radio!""""
"
145153,"I'm such an introvert. #Introvert #Introverted #TeamIntroverted #Shy #SoShy #2Shy #2Shy2Talk2You #ShyBoy #Blushes #NoEyeContact #SoftTalker
"
151868,"The hour I lose from daylight savings time will now be multiplied by 6 as I try to change the time on the clock in my car.
"
154039,"What is the largest moth the world has ever seen? A mammoth
"
120089,"I bet hell is full of morning people and obsessive compulsive facebook pokers.
"
134133,"My desires are unconfessional. No wait. Unconditional? Pumpkin sensual? I just had it. Undone sectionals? Unmoustachable? Stunned pistachio?
"
99374,"What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
"
136218,"Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I've been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
"
71355,"Sometimes I like to spend my Sunday afternoon being screamed at by a 5 year old for eating the sandwiches I made for her imaginary friend.
"
38580,"My brother... Likes driving black and white F1 race cars. They call him the F1 racist.
"
175621,"When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
"
223460,"My dog Minton just ate my shuttle cock. Bad Minton.
"
139801,"What kind of newspaper do cows read? The Moo York Times
"
123207,"What do an eagle and a mole have in common? They both live underground, **except for the eagle.**
"
13526,"What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
"
161688,"I searched your life up on google... ...it gave me an error 404
"
20875,"""""How many people here believe in ghosts?""""
"
26996,"Why were Jeremy Clarkson's colleagues excited to try his mulled wine? Because they'd been floored by his punch.
"
1300,"Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the finest ingredients, *asshole*.
"
118039,"This 14 yr old girl in the news that is being frozen cryogenically, her Mother wanted to comply with her wishes, but her Father didn't... Does he just have to let it go?..
"
137169,"A friend told me there's a place like twitter called """"outside"""" where people favorite each other by making eye contact and smiling. Unfollow.
"
181773,"Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.
"
7091,"Save the date! Someone is trying to ruin it by having a wedding.
"
105646,"I'll follow my girlfriend into the bathroom watch her close the toilet door, and then ask, """"What are you doing?""""
"
108644,"Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
"
196291,"78% of black men like sex in the shower The other 22% haven't been to prison yet
"
119556,"Mom, come quick, daddy hanged himself in the attic! Gotcha, April fools day! He hanged himself in the garage.
"
192093,"For Jesus this was anything but a Good Friday.
"
175491,"Did you hear the one about the two deaf guys? What?
"
197191,"Why don't you invite a Comcast worker to your party? Because nobody likes his company!
"
201450,"What's the most awkward part of a redneck wedding? When her father and brother walk her down the isle.
"
157740,"What do Trump and lip stick have in common? Both make Hillary Clinton more attractive.
"
71735,"Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written 'nail appointment' in my diary? Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
"
104159,"I once had sex for an hour and 45 seconds. Thanks daylight savings.
"
40254,"I've been sober as far back as I can remember. Which is roughly 11 hours.
"
158544,"It's pancake day already? That sure creped up fast.
"
179996,"""""Dad can you tell me 5 animals that live in the North Pole?"""" """" yes son , 3 polar bears and 2 seals. Anything else?"""" ___ """"No dad thanks""""___ """"No problem son""""
"
90966,"I've got a joke with no punchline.. I'm not joking!
"
214767,"DOCTOR: If you don't exercise, there's really no point in dieting. ME: I can't wait to tell my wife the good news.
"
224396,"What's a Mexican's dick when it's cold out? A little chili.
"
164042,"Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? It doesn't need cleaning.
"
181967,"My last name is Zilla.
"
200393,"*walks into interview* Thanks for coming in today. I'm Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil. *walks out of interview*
"
14827,"For gods sake! You'd think it would be safe not locking a car in a church carpark on a Sunday, apparently NOT. Anyway I got 8 iPhones.
"
14855,"What do you call a fake Sony phone? Phony
"
84495,"Christmas Presents To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present... They are due back at the library today.
"
159093,"""""I don't think you're ready for this jelly."""" ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
"
40244,"To the man who just got naked in public I admire your balls
"
170342,"Donald Trump is gonna be the next US President pretty HILLARYous, isn't it
"
97899,"Why do suicide bombers have 72 virgins? one for each chunk.
"
2558,"What do you call a Mexican baptism? A bean dip.
"
147388,"*Skynet becomes self aware* *Starts a blog*
"
202434,"Facebook should make an option, to block people from tagging me in videos/pictures that have nothing to do with me.
"
128329,"[at parent-teacher night] Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler* I see you're a coffee enthusiast, too Me: Coffee? Oh...yeah, coffee*wink*
"
194738,"What is Bill Cosby's arch-nemesis? Smelling salts.
"
78087,"Home alone... Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
"
50470,"Why don't black people go on cruises? They aren't falling for that again...
"
183205,"What's the worst thing about being an atheist? You have no one to call to when you're having an orgasm.
"
188830,"Obese people are roll models.
"
208547,"Ray Rice hitting his wife on the elevator... Was wrong on so many levels. And I'll show myself out.
"
215019,"Smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy.
"
80998,"What is an engineer's favorite Halloween candy? Dork chocolate
"
69872,"why did the tomato cross the road? to become ketchup
"
93367,"Robin Williams tried to give me a high-five the other day but I just left him hanging
"
219858,"Why didn't the buzzard have any luggage on the airplane? Because he ate his carrion.
"
149224,"Why did the retired police officer decide to become a DJ? So he could still get to say """"Put your hands in the air.""""
"
166181,"Rio just listed a slightly used Olympic stadium on eBay.
"
198375,"I still wake up hoping that class is cancelled.
"
61178,"It's so cool how math isn't real now that I'm a grown up.
"
206382,"What do you call 7 white guys sitting on a bench? The nba
"
18708,"Three ways to tell if you're dating an Octopus: 1. They give awesome hugs 2. They have no skeleton 3. Every date is at the aquarium
"
225616,"Say what you will about Clinton being a womanizer But Bush had the Twins go down on him.
"
121734,"Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
"
154229,"I don't always roll a joint But when I do, it's usually my ankle
"
52300,"When does it become a dad joke? When it was a kid.
"
170995,"Why did the T-Rex get kicked outta the porn shoot? Because he had a reptile dysfunction
"
94131,"My new girl friend. Just got a new Czech girlfriend, but its taken her nearly 5 days to hoover the house. Turns out she's a Slovak.
"
142480,"My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment. Props to him.
"
192154,"In Russian thanksgiving, Turkey shoots you.
"
59529,"You've got two brain cells: one is in a wheelchair and the other one is pushing.
"
79812,"Stop Flaming Faggots! A Non profit dedicated to informing the public about the fire dangers of bundled sticks and stacked firewood.
"
122124,"[ear is bleeding for 3 days straight] hmm better keep an eye on that. [laptop slow for one second] i gotta run AdWare & antivirus right now
"
46911,"Why don't blind men go skydiving? Because it scares the shit out of the dog!
"
191726,"When his brothel went out of business, what sign did the owner hang on the door? Beat it, We're closed.
"
17655,"How does Hitler organize his juice? By concentration
"
110525,"How do you say """"touchdown"""" in Polish? Gronkowski
"
8854,"Unlike Rick Astley, this tweet is likely to let you down.
"
155586,"If two vegetarians fight.... Do they have beef?
"
50331,"I'm not a recluse, I'm just playing hard to get with society.
"
150697,"What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny! [ ](http://multivu.prnewswire.com/mnr/warnerbros/42096/images/42096-hi-Bugs_Bunny.jpg)
"
173900,"acording to Jane Eyre... Love is blind
"
7561,"Here's how pessimism works. It never works.
"
67942,"Where did the pirate go to college? Yale. He was rejected from H**arrrr**vard.
"
104235,"Whenever fat people tell you they are on a diet, it just means they started dabbing their pizza with a napkin to get some of the grease off.
"
103388,"With great power... ... comes a great electricity bill.
"
157359,"Co-worker: You drink a lot of coffee!!!! Me: It's for your own safety.
"
166628,"I wish I could reenact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades Of Gray Like the one where she gets a job right out of college.
"
113969,"Joke a friend made up What's black and yellow and makes everyone laugh? A school bus full of black people falling off a cliff.
"
85849,"A man started telling a joke, but he started with the punch line... What did you expect?
"
62123,"""""Do you love me, Mulla?"""" whispered the girl. """"Of course I do,"""" Mulla Nasrudin whispered back. """"Will you marry me then?"""" she asked. """"Let's not change the subject?"""" said Nasrudin.
"
177265,"Does anyone know watt is the unit for power?
"
43964,"I'm not a basic Jew, I'm Hasidic.
"
198619,"What do you call a censored DMX song? A really good instrumental
"
184034,"I once went to an open air Queen concert. It was good, but there was a terrible electrical storm during the set Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening...
"
179011,"Apparently it's frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym Who knew
"
149425,"Wife: Did you measure for carpet? Me: Yeah, from the window Wife: Don't Me: To the wall Wife: Don't Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs! *runs*
"
118834,"What's addicting? The sound an erection makes when it hits a cymbal.
"
105834,"scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
"
79290,"Oh so everyone praises the movie 'Her' but when I loved my Sims everyone was like """"we're worried"""" & """"you've been playing 72 hours straight""""
"
61147,"What is up with these reposts? It must be heredditory.
"
75688,"Which is the favorite US State of Miley Cyrus ? Montana.
"
206231,"What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation? """"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"""" """"Welcome. We're glad to have you""""
"
189507,"Gravity falls fans are going to hate me for this... My ex wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
"
185649,"Where do religious school children practice  sports? In the prayground!
"
99244,"Question everything. Or should you?
"
17980,"One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
"
181973,"Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but.... At least we can say, """"Hey dad"""" and """"Thanks for the warning officer.""""
"
29358,"It's official... My voice is incapable of making, """"Thanks. I appreciate that"""" not sound sarcastic.
"
146578,"Knock Knock ...
"
15432,"Nicholson: You want answers?! Cruise: I want the truth!! Nicholson: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Cruise: mmk... how bout a little hint?
"
199238,"The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
"
189707,"Why did the college student change his major from Biology to Physics after his first exam? He needed to see if how fast his grade dropped broke any laws of physics.
"
50919,"""""Now?"""" """"Not yet."""" """"Now?"""" """"Not quite."""" *Car approaches* """"Now?"""" """"Now."""" -Deer crossing the road
"
176346,"""""Get me another beer, boy"""" """"Dad I'm an adult. My name's Bobby"""" """"It's time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B's in your name are silent""""
"
137686,"What's the difference between you and mallard with a cold? One's a sick dick, and I can't remember how it ends, but your mother is a whore. -SNL reruns-
"
143279,"How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? 1000 One to change it and 999 to walk into the same room and change the same light bulb without checking to see if it needed changing first.
"
58727,"You don't need a parachute to go skydiving You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
"
52169,"Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
"
218495,"""""Give it to me!"""" My girlfriend screamed. """"I'm so fucking wet right now!"""" She could shout all she wanted. I wasn't handing over my umbrella.
"
189949,"Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked.. ...but that's rare.
"
139359,"What did Matthew McConaughey say when he saw this year's Oscar nominees? All white, all white, all whiiiiiiiite...
"
15427,"My favorite oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp. 2. Act natural. 3. Boneless ribs. 4. Civil war. 5. Freezer burn. 6. Adult male. 7. Happy marriage.
"
49720,"I commonly known for arguing over what gives an object weight Some people say I'm a mass debater
"
157867,"Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.
"
18836,"Waiter what is this cockroach doing on my ice cream sundae ? Skiing sir !
"
139518,"Which songs do planets sing? Neptunes.
"
195186,"Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence.
"
124009,"Sunday is a great day to curl up with a good book and completely ignore it because, ya know, the Internet.
"
98987,"Three of the ugliest people in town were found beaten and lying in the gutter... Police don't have any leads yet, but they think it was a facially motivated crime
"
137780,"*leans back in chair* wow, what a great question. I guess I'd say my biggest weakness is the 5 felony convictions I left off my application
"
96256,"Why are outdoor workers so in fit? Cause they work out.
"
68614,"Meanwhile, at School: Teacher- """"How much is a gram?"""" Laure- """"Depends on what you want"""" Teacher- """"Out, just get out"""" #YouOwnedHimDude
"
174908,"What did Superman get at the supermarket? A Super Bowl
"
167815,"I met a girl who was looking hot and I said to her: Your temperature is high today,as usual got weird reaction.
"
97301,"I'm off to a 3yr olds party. There'll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
"
116363,"What do you call the man with a lisp who drowned? A philosopher. Cuz he's a deep thinker.
"
169797,"before you do a horrific crime, double check whether you could get the death penalty for it and if so whether you really want to do it
"
66687,"What's in an STD salad? green pees
"
200020,"I went for a run in morning but came home after 2 minutes coz I forgot something I forgot that I'm so fat that I can only run for 2 minutes
"
211871,"I ordered a red ottoman online yesterday and now all my self-aware sidebar ads are a never-ending David Lynch fever dream of red ottomans.
"
166874,"A man walks into an Australian pet store, He asks the bloke behind the counter """"where do you keep the kangaroos mate?"""" The bloke replies, """"outback.""""
"
153965,"Did you hear about the rabbi who had a wallet made out of foreskins? He could rub it and turn it into a suitcase.
"
168370,"I always ask my dad for help Whenever I ask my dad for help with something, he always tells me that I'm a faggot and how should already have a job. I only 30 years old dad, there are child labor laws.
"
86458,"They polled Britons on their favorite Jane Austen novel 52% prefer Pride &amp; Prejudice to Sense &amp; Sensibility
"
115207,"Most popular Who is the most popular guy in a nudist colony? The guy that can carry two pots of coffee and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl? The girl that eats the last donut.
"
81431,"How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1 to hold the bulb in place and 100 to spin the house around it.
"
193964,"The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
"
194740,"hello poison control. i need some poison asap, my kid is being a real piece of shit. yes i'll hold.
"
145881,"I was going to tell some rabbit jokes But people tend not to carrot all about them.
"
47632,"What do you call somebody who is allergic to wearing little alligators on their polo shirt? Lacoste intolerant.
"
134541,"I passed a homeless guy who asked """"Any change!?"""" I said """"Nope, your still dirty and homeless"""". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
"
139567,"What happens when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
"
35400,"What does Cam Newton have in common with a Fig Newton? They are both soft and crumble under pressure.
"
222452,"What is it about tall creepy louisiana swamp dwellers that makes them naturally glow? Their bayou loomin' essence
"
83249,"Don't put words in my mouth...my foot is already in there.
"
222763,"My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.
"
119488,"""""You're on your own, kid."""" - A Republican village.
"
194057,"Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
"
226463,"What was the hackers' rehabilitation meeting called? Anonymous Anonymous
"
206324,"i think when there's a new viral thing and instead of checking it out you're like """"eh who cares i bet it's dumb"""" that's Internet Adulthood
"
179020,"Did you hear about the woman who ordered a double entendre at the bar? The bartender reached under the bar whipped it out and gave it to her
"
76423,"Why did the vegetarian hate giving blow jobs? She was a lesbian.
"
37994,"1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance - My stages of getting ready for work
"
112883,"How can you spot a blind man in a nudist camp? Its not hard.
"
142091,"I used to hate facial hair... but then it grew on me.
"
118400,"I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I'm ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
"
116668,"What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for?? A Boo Meringue
"
1578,"The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.
"
153013,"3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said """"I'll be back in 20 minutes"""". Nobody has bothered me since and I'm never taking it down.
"
222141,"We'd have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He'd look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
"
71800,"When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
"
226945,"You hear what happened to the frog's car? It got toad.
"
118176,"me: How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?! Netflix: Because you watched """"The Wedding Planner""""
"
225767,"What do you call a felon who enjoys getting zapped and has a go-to attitude? A con-do-it!
"
110055,"I'm really good at making women laugh out loud When they see me naked for the first time...
"
168168,"Phases of love. 1) xoxo. 2) xxx. 3) ex.
"
33735,"The greatest joke of all time... Android.
"
225918,"When someone I don't know likes one of my statuses I think, """"Will this be the story we tell our grandkids?""""
"
193146,"MY NEIGHBOR CAT MITZI JUST LET ME PET HER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 2 YRS NOTHING ELSE MATTERS RIGHT NOW ONLY MITZI & I EXIST
"
148835,"The bra my boyfriend gave me is really uncomfortable. Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.
"
37376,"Apparently being poor is genetic, my son loves bologna and thinks pants are optional.
"
118652,"Photographers are so violent. They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.
"
136810,"A man walks into a bar with a piece of green tarmac on his head... The landlord says to the rest of the customers: """"Don't talk to him! He's a **cycle path**!"""" Ba Dum Tss!
"
31140,"Which composer do lumberjacks prefer to listen to? Chopin
"
53291,"If a porn star takes a vacation, Do they consider it a leave of abstinence?
"
47086,"Store: help wanted Me: *applies for job* Store: """"no, not you""""
"
186938,"Saw the pictures of the Hooters girls who were fired due to weight discrimination? Now I'm in the mood for Wings, Muffin Tops & Camel Toes
"
146769,"If I had 9 lives I'd stick my butthole in your face too.
"
60972,"What do you call Bruce Lee's mom when she's making obvious statements? A parent, Lee.
"
140240,"A natural log with her own show ln(DeGeneres)
"
138879,"Early to Bed and Early to Rise proves that . The Person has no Internet Connection...;-p
"
145966,"Did you hear about the sequel to """"The Thing""""? Turns out one of Jackie Chan's Relatives is directing it. His Uncle, I believe. &amp;nbsp; He's calling it """"ONE *MORE* THING!""""
"
61270,"What do you call a lawsuit against a zombie? Deceased and desist
"
58290,"Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent P!
"
97116,"There is nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
"
100299,"Sarah Jessica Parker had a leaked sex tape... The man has been arrested for bestiality.
"
146879,"I met a guy with 5 penises... His pants fit him like a glove.
"
48675,"I started a website for female drivers... but the damn thing kept crashing =D.
"
112560,"How do you find a naked man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
"
77989,"The hardest part about breaking up with your Japanese girlfriend... Is that you have to drop the bomb twice..
"
41512,"What do you call alcohol distilled by the Avengers' enemies? Hydra-Gin
"
174248,"Did you know that a male ejaculates at 27mph? That's why I always get in trouble when I do it in school zones.
"
122047,"What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids!
"
13034,"An app that detects itself running on other people's phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
"
6556,":*  `*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar *  `*:. HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!
"
44055,"Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
"
4633,"Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.
"
168833,"I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
"
111052,"What do you call a woman who dyes her hair red? Transginger.
"
28802,"What do you call a frozen terrorist? A isilcle
"
137081,"Last night I dreamed about eating a huge cotton candy. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
"
101219,"My wife has the hottest ass in the world... Me.
"
40526,"[1st time on phone with a girl] I've got butterflies in my stomach It's so cute that you're nervous [eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
"
3105,"Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
"
110962,"Did you hear they discovered a carnivorous tree in the Amazon? Don't worry its bark is worse than its bite.
"
76445,"I was in the Olympics ,I was favorite in the Errection event But only made it to the Semi's
"
20049,"I finally figured out the secret to click bait.
"
142854,"Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
"
117045,"I used to curcumcise elephants. The pay wasn't very good, but the tips were huge.
"
211270,"I was having trouble with my phone... So I took it to the phone store, and let me tell you! The service was great in there!
"
82548,"Mary had a little lamb... Boy, was she surprised.
"
6441,"I learned that Honey Bees in the United States developed a form of electronics - they're called U.S. Bees.
"
64764,"[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today
"
4378,"Coffee at McDonald's is like sex in prison You'll have no trouble getting it, but it's rough.
"
38199,"I used to be indecisive... But now I'm not sure. EDIT: I know this is an old joke, but it's one of my favorite one-liners, so I thought I'd share.
"
66725,"[doctors exam] """"I'm feeling a lump here. Here's another. You have several lumps."""" -uh oh, what does that mean doc? """"it means you're fat""""
"
85657,"I think my dog wants to be a carpenter. He likes roofing.
"
217526,"God is obviously a Civil Engineer... ... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.
"
32706,"Everything is made from matter... That's why everything matters.
"
72479,"Why Snoop Dogg can't eat a hotdog... Because he drops it like it's hot!
"
96266,"I like my comedy how I like my milk..... dry.
"
192037,"It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It'll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.
"
59947,"I've been training for the masturbation world record. I'm gonna beat it.
"
123835,"Roses are red, violets are blue... I killed your family. You're next.
"
166664,"What's the difference between me and a pigeon? A pigeon can make a deposit on a BMW
"
858,"What do you call children born of ginger people? Ginger-bred
"
113502,"A magician is driving down a road... ...and turns into a supermarket.
"
85406,"""""911, what is your emergency?"""" Yes I can't hear my television """"Sir, this is not an emer-"""" Someone keeps screaming """"HELP ME!!"""" next door
"
83803,"*sings Hakuna Matata during your meltdown*
"
24525,"Knock Knock Kid: knock knock Dad: Who's there? Kid: Hatch Dad: Hatch who? Kid: Bless You.
"
153459,"Two men walk into a bar.. The first man says I'll have an H20 The second man says I'll have an H20 too, the second man dies.
"
214154,"A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, """"well I'm bored,let's go brush our teeth"""" in mid convo
"
106273,"My wife claims watching me do karate """"isn't foreplay."""" Why am I even alive.
"
216150,"A man driving a car hits a woman. Who's fault is it? TRICK QUESTION! Cars can't fit in the kitchen!
"
72535,"I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
"
71483,"I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know... Oreos.
"
90900,"According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
"
184350,"The past, present and future walked into a bar... ... it was tense.
"
173692,"My friend owns a popular graveyard People are dying to get in.
"
126490,"Where's a lesbian's favorite place to shop? The Liquor store
"
202932,"I like my men like I like my tea in little disposable bags
"
5203,"I really hate when people get brie confused with similar cheeses. I camembert it.
"
91273,"Why did Helen Keller's dog kill himself? You would too if your name was MMMHHHUUHH
"
164054,"Geometry Joke. So I was in my Geometry class and my teacher was giving us a ton of homework. So I said to her """"stop being an angle side side."""" Edit: thanks hypervelocityvomit.
"
226822,"What do you call a horny group of lawyers? Firm
"
100823,"Two guys walked in a bar and said.. The Game.
"
189686,"What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work? She drops him off at band practice.
"
165335,"It's a boy! """"It's a boy!"""" I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.
"
175763,"STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she'll log into twitter.
"
1997,"Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden engine, the wooden doors and the wooden chassis? It wooden go.
"
52280,"I thought my watch ran out of battery power... It scared me for a second.
"
150791,"BoyFriend &amp; GirlFriend BoyFriend : Hey.! Please give me a kiss.. GirlFriend : No, Not before marriage.. BoyFriend : Don't Worry Darling, I am already married..
"
155139,"I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
"
122505,"Cigarette: Hey buddy. Me: I don't smoke anymore. Cigarette: But buddy. Me: NO. Cigarette: Buddy? Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
"
96349,"i'd tell a joke about a vampire but... it'll suck
"
14814,"This guy rapes people with a smile on his face Fuck this psycho up. 248 Oh 330 And 0815
"
174521,"Pizza joke? Forget it, it's too cheesy
"
188521,"*climbs into windowless van* *puts on """"Free Hugs"""" t-shirt* *heads out to make new friends* *fails* *waits for lawyer in windowless room*
"
141727,"I almost had a heart attack when I saw a black man carrying a TV like mine. Then I remembered mine was at home working in the garden.
"
44974,"A 72 year old benjamin button, is a pedophiles dream.
"
18261,"A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a* Shitzhu*.
"
129689,"Started a suicide prevention club at my school today We call it the hang out
"
170445,"The girl working at Best Buy saw me checking her out. She walked up and asked me """"Do you need help?"""" I replied """"No, I am just looking.""""
"
103707,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question; feminists can't change anything.
"
19277,"On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?... Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes
"
111168,"[texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
"
54295,"A line to use on Polish people You must be a magnetic Pole because I'm attracted to you.
"
95138,"Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
"
230551,"Penguin Joke Two penguins are sitting on an ice float. One says,""""It looks like you're wearing a tuxedo."""" The other replies, """"What makes you think I'm not?""""
"
13793,"Raspberry buy guitar Raspberry take lessons Raspberry answer ad Raspberry show up at drummer's house Raspberry plug in Raspberry Jam
"
100513,"I always ware my Seahawks jersey on test day... Because i know ill pass even if i shouldn't
"
51922,"Why did the pirate date the mermaid? He thought finding X in her algebra would lead to booty.
"
166465,"Hedgehogs: why can't they just share the hedge?
"
161562,"Iceland passed away last week... its last wishes were for its ashes to be scattered across Europe...
"
183993,"""""Support bacteria  it's the only culture some people have!""""
"
144277,"What's the difference between three midget mensa members and a female track team? One group is a bunch of cunning runts...
"
57404,"What do you call someone whose filed bankruptcy 4 times and divorced twice? A GOP Presidential candidate.
"
147043,"What do you call an octopus that's missing one tentacle? Octopus Prime.
"
151854,"Took my pet lion in an elevator along with shocked shoppers this morning. There was quite an uproar.
"
93717,"Carl: """"It's chilly out."""" Me: """"Tell me something I don't know."""" """"Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials."""" """"Fair enough, Carl.""""
"
130059,"OJ's son must have been the murderer.... ... because when he went to OJ that night to borrow his car keys, OJ said, """"..go aXe your mother""""
"
52994,"Around here we commonly refer to our intellectual property as 'our shit'.
"
11045,"If I was Penguin's attorney I'd request bail by saying """"He's no flight risk!"""" Then Hi-5 the whole courtroom but Batman. I'd leave him hangin
"
144487,"What do you call a group of cars ? A clutch !
"
124825,"Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail. JK It was me.
"
185422,"What would Ronald Reagan be doing if he were alive today? He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, """"Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!""""
"
227105,"Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickle? Because it had more cents
"
59494,"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"
83278,"My friend has a butler who had his left arm cut off... ...serves him right!
"
34684,"What does the Obama administration think about foreign relations? Why so Syrias?
"
158188,"My problem is I don't like working out in front of people or when I'm alone.
"
92713,"How do you make a sheep jump off a cliff? Put a redneck behind it.
"
38129,"I think I have an infallibility complex I've never been wrong before.
"
166436,"A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
"
80723,"""""Hey Dad, I'm going to the airport. Call me a taxi.' Dad : """"Hi taxi""""
"
119339,"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity .... It's impossible to put down.
"
180080,"The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself """"This changes everything.""""
"
20458,"What's a Chinese chicken's favorite vegetable? Buock choi
"
39225,"What was Hitler's favourite song? Knocking on ovens door
"
227333,"why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3? Yoda was In charge of scheduling
"
120515,"Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
"
161503,"Why do Mexican and Muslim jokes all sound the same? Cause if you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal. Ba da Tissssssss
"
21799,"Why did the late man stand on the clock? He wanted to be on time.
"
27815,"What's the difference between Wright and Rong? Wright yells, """"Objection!' Rong is your typical Chinese man.
"
21480,"I was offered a threesome with a Japanese guy but I turned it down, after all, you know what they say about Japanese penises... ...they're really blurry.
"
121676,"Why don't birds wear underwear? Because, their pecker is on their head.
"
139485,"What do a hand rolled cigarette and hippy sex have in common? [This](http://i.imgur.com/KRuRgF9.gif)
"
222483,"Saw a sign on the highway that said """"Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500"""" but it doesn't tell me where to pick up the money...
"
91719,"To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly's loved ones.
"
71655,"Some relationships can survive only online.
"
71074,"How does Dr. Dre like to be told a story? Chronic-logically.
"
85664,"*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history's greatest monster*
"
35552,"If you think Big Government is bad... Wait until you see *Yuge* Government.
"
134529,"Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
"
81015,"I love when couples get sick together because that's what people deserve for being happy.
"
122000,"Women hate to be stereotyped. .. They're all like that.
"
128613,"I was gonna make a joke about Sodium and Hydrogen, but NaH
"
19954,"How do programmers like their snacks? Byte-sized.
"
70456,"I feel like if there ever was a zombie apocalypse I'm so numb to them at this point I wouldn't even bat an eye.
"
84889,"Where do the gays in New Mexico live? Santa FE GUURLL!!!!
"
211177,"It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
"
14075,"How do you titilate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot.
"
66465,"Why are 8 year old African children always so depressed? Mid-life crisis
"
99912,"Just once I'd like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
"
23654,"4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: ... Go tell your father I said to come here.
"
180450,"An Arab and a Jew walk into a bar... and they have a blast!
"
205121,"To find your real porn name, take the translation of your Chinese letter tramp stamp & add to the name of your mom's 4th alcoholic husband
"
55626,"I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.
"
20486,"Me: If that baby won't stop crying I'm walking out & going to another restaurant. Gf: You used to do that too. Me: that was months ago.
"
52808,"What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it.
"
142028,"When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
"
161435,"How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!
"
142820,"What do you call a group of lesbians from Pittsburgh? Lesbiyinz.
"
91698,"Confucius Say . . . Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Stabbing a man with a spoon is pointless.
"
169224,"What do you call a discounted Zuckerberg? Marked down!
"
171128,"Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto's Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
"
54451,"i'm undressing you with my ey... oh god, no no no i'm redressing you.
"
40132,"What are you doing tonight? Your wife.
"
176127,"Stalker status update: Good news-I'm not in your house. The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
"
54257,"1. Rage against the machine. 2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in. 3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
"
185075,"What's Tommen Baratheon's favorite band? Fall out boy
"
31407,"Funny that Lebron couldn't even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
"
120310,"Do retarded people know that they are retarded? Person A: Do retarded people know that they are retarded? Person B: I don't know, do you?
"
167879,"What did one ball say to the other? Who's the dick in the middle?
"
144468,"How to Pass So apparently if someone commits suicide while we take a exam or final in school, everyone in that room or place will get 100%. I literally need the blood of a virgin to pass these exams.
"
94491,"Babies are really expensive, which is why all the ones in Babies R Us don't have price tags.
"
82510,"NSFW Your cock's like Mt. Everest... It's hard to get up
"
23094,"I bet George Washington's favorite drinking game had to have been Quarters.
"
216477,"My neck tattoos are so big the three people after me don't get hired either.
"
41993,"Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
"
71751,"At the hospital... NSFW At the hospital, I overheard two doctors discussing a patient that came in with six plastic horses stuck in his rectum. They described the patient's condition as stable...
"
92619,"A feminist once asked me, """"What's your view on lesbians?"""" I said, """"1080p""""
"
196158,"How do you tittilate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot.
"
176412,"Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we'd still be talking about how we're not finding that airplane.
"
53832,"I made up a word today! Plagiarism.
"
107403,"The Cheesecake Factory had a """"Help Wanted"""" sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn't to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
"
109853,"Apparently Burger King will be giving away free whoppers on October 13th to Special Olympians I'd be downs for that
"
206508,"I have 2 eyes and can't see, but millions of eyes on me. What am I? NFL Referee
"
228475,"I went the other day to buy some camo pants,but could not find any...
"
103943,"Skinny friend: Bananas are super high in sugar. Why would you eat them if you want to lose weight? Me: Good point. *Grabs Kit Kat
"
33242,"Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no
"
109793,"Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT? Me: no, it says """"worked it"""" I: worked what? [disco ball drops] [rips off pants] Me: """"it""""
"
38732,"What did the African eat for breakfast? Ebola cereal. (A bowl of)
"
171900,"A woman is at the doctors office and the doctor asks the woman, do you know what your ass hole is doing during an orgasm? I don't know probably out golfing with his buddies.
"
144053,"I tried to catch fog today Mist
"
1779,"At which fast food restaurant is a hamburger happiest? Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips!
"
169274,"Why is all of the music made in North Korea just absolutely terrible? They've got no Seoul.
"
111088,"what did the man say when he couldn't get frea with his dog? oops, forgot the ky
"
195673,"""""Aloha, a bar,"""" said a struggling alcoholic ex-Muslim in Hawaii.
"
181510,"Why does Islam get angry if you criticize their religion? Im not sure they always seem to blow things up out of proportion.
"
227916,"I just met a guy addicted to brake fluid. However, he was adamant that he could stop anytime.
"
12801,"What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows? Survivor guilt.
"
164418,"two guys walk into a bar. The 3rd one ducks
"
124158,"Man's guide for a selfie: 1) Squint your eyes like your cool 2) Look off into the distance 3) Put your phone down 4) Don't take the selfie
"
31652,"What do you call a chicken with lettuce on its eyes? Chicken Ceasar salad.
"
133312,"Where do people in Detroit get their groceries? They don't.
"
26543,"Doctor Doctor my husband smells like fish Poor sole!
"
197249,"How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist? A sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
"
18373,"I never point fingers at anyone. Though I do have a box of human fingers that I slingshot at people when I feel like blaming them for shit.
"
221748,"There's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says You man the guns, I'll drive'
"
183366,"whats the difference between the duke of york and Katy price? the duke of York only had 10,000 men
"
14049,"2016: The year Brock Turner got sentenced to 3 months but America got 4 years.
"
174795,"When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve
"
45393,"SPOILER ALERT for """"Finding Bigfoot"""" TV show - they don't find him. Again.
"
203671,"Why can you trust a coffee roaster? Because he never spills the beans :-)
"
181591,"My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records Until they kicked me out of the library
"
17341,"Why Did The Hedgehog Cross The Road? Because he wanted to see his flat mate.
"
45299,"can't wait to see how dudes figure out how to still get really mad at each other when cars are all self-driving
"
87073,"I have the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the Lincoln Park Zoo
"
175970,"Definition: Coffin What they carry you offin.
"
43013,"What phrase do prostitutes and mafia members both say? You lookin to get whacked?
"
183383,"Being an amputee... On one hand it has its benefits, but on the oth-
"
67495,"You think we should see other people? I'm bipolar. I am other people.
"
95489,"What do you call a slutty toaster? A crumb dumpster
"
61148,"Does anyone have a really good racists or sexist knock knock joke?
"
141127,"Finally thought of a retort to my bro's friend who kicked me from his car in 1998 I don't need your Camero anyway Ricky MY LIFE is a joyride
"
14724,"Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it. The taste of her hairy lap stick.
"
86463,"So I just moved to a new area... And as usual I had to tell everyone that I am a registered sex offender. Just kidding, nobody's found out yet.
"
48520,"Two Muffins Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first muffin says to the second, """"Is it getting hot in here?"""" The second muffin says """"AAAAHHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!""""
"
124406,"I ran out of tortilla chips so I'm freebasing salsa.
"
158472,"The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.
"
92054,"What do you call a collection of Tyler Perry's movies? Fifty Shades of Black
"
86980,"""""We run a tight ship"""" barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway """"Real tight."""" he turns sideways to fit down the hall
"
101091,"Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One.
"
225450,"I just drove in from a Transformers convention... ... and boy, are my arms tires!
"
112379,"For me, eating fast food is like going out on a date and finding out the person you're with is racist. Either way, you're going to end up alone in your apartment using up all the toilet paper.
"
213171,"Donald Trump has written a lot of books about business... They all end at chapter 11. Nice one Hillary!!
"
25730,"My background check bounced.
"
172337,"Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
"
101832,"Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
"
142121,"My friend's been dating Tim Howard She told me he's a keeper.
"
22747,"Why are cops so bad at pool? Because they can't resist hitting the black ball.
"
38883,"Mathematically speaking, 9/11 was quite rational
"
103096,"What's a hippy mothers least favorite sport? Formula one!
"
217659,"New camouflaged condoms! She'll never see you coming again.
"
170939,"What did one casual necrophiliac say to the other as they left their day jobs? Come by my place later, we'll crack a cold one.
"
207521,"What's the difference between a million dollar car and a pile of dead babies? There's no million dollar car in my garage.
"
153692,"""""Use a spongebob quote to describe your sex life"""" """"Are you ready kids?""""
"
107957,"Q: Why was the musician arrested? A: He got in treble.
"
39493,"A week before Abraham Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland... A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
"
118054,"A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
"
206005,"Maybe zombies just have shampoo in their eyes.
"
3344,"I don't volunteer my time to worthy causes but I do always whisper """"you're doing great"""" when a waiter is describing the specials to me
"
95173,"Give a man a jacket He will be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket, he will never leave the house.
"
49518,"Your heart cannot be an American Hero Because I am going to capture it
"
26712,"Friends are a lot like trees... They fall down when hit multiple times with an axe.
"
58179,"There's an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you'd be perfect for the job.
"
110421,"What do you call a Mexican with no legs? Cuntswaylow.
"
71444,"What a weekend... apparently gonorrhea is NOT a girl's best friend.
"
35930,"I'm having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
"
142718,"How many christians does it take to change a lightbulb? three, but they're really one
"
164597,"Q: What's the slowest thing in the world? A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.
"
130679,"what did the zero say to the eight? nice belt.
"
104886,"I don't like referencing Not et al.
"
159106,"What's a white supremacist's favourite fast food restaurant? KKKFC
"
88594,"What do you call an artist with a brown finger? A Pickassho
"
104345,"Sober in an Uber: Please don't talk to me. I don't know you. Drunk in an Uber: I want to get married one day, but I put up emotional walls
"
223040,"All these women marching in protest is so well organized I'd love to talk to the man in charge.
"
29576,"Easy IQ Test: starting from 160, subtract 10 points for each honk of a car alarm before the owner can figure out how to turn it off.
"
180794,"I wrote 'DIVORCE', my wife wrote 'YES'. Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
"
6158,"The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.
"
137021,"I send flowers """"From Steve"""" to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn
"
7833,"We can put a robot on Mars but we can't make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
"
13574,"Why are gardeners good at spreading religion. Because they can plant churches.
"
16952,"What's BROWN and making California a miserable place to live? California Governor Jerry BROWN you racist asshole!
"
130116,"what did stevie wonder say when he recieved a cheese grater for Christmas? it was the most violent book he had ever read
"
172941,"Customer: I thought the meals here were supposed to be like mother used to make. Waiter: They are. She couldn't cook either.
"
19875,"What do pedophiles and rappers have incommon They both like da booty
"
156287,"My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
"
179109,"""""Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.""""- Ludacris's cousin, Kurteous
"
191162,"How many friend-zoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
"
142575,"Sex is like snow. You never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
"
223285,"did you know that the bible doesn't actually contain any references to hell? or heaven? or christ?? it just a bunch of names & phone numbers
"
176354,"What is the one riddle that everyone gives up? The riddle of life!
"
169007,"What did the mother say to the child who refused to eat his fossil for dinner? Trilobite, you'll love it!
"
228014,"I'm glad David married me for my brains. My glorius, perky, bouncy brains.
"
56214,"How do cows do math? A cow-culator. haha haha ha ... ok, I'll leave.
"
66724,"How do you confuse a feminist? Tell her not to make you a sandwich.
"
127222,"You can run, but you can't hide. Unless you're a chameleon with broken legs. Then you can hide, but you can't run...
"
161805,"Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. This is always funny because it never grows old
"
210247,"I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don't even have to ask how I'm doing
"
63912,"How is it that magic carpets are able to fly? They are powered by turban engines.
"
67655,"[Tim Burton tries baseball] COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now T: Yes C: Ok. Pitch T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De- C: I'm gonna kill him
"
53633,"I stayed up all night to see where the sun went... Then it dawned on me.
"
47101,"I'm sexually attracted to one of my students I knew that becoming a primary school teacher was a bad career choice
"
83748,"Comment on every picture of someone's dog, """"What is this""""
"
216910,"What is the difference between feminists and Nazis? One group has a purpose and lots of support and the other is full of nagging women.
"
195855,"What do you call 100 black people on a plane to Africa? A good start.
"
216501,"I bartered a ring for a shop vac All she does is suck up my wallet and spend all my money.
"
202385,"How do you keep an AssHole in suspense?
"
188452,"What did the bolt say to the nut? """"Washer? I don't even know 'er!""""
"
172022,"I'm on a seafood diet... I see food, and I eat it.
"
92569,"Don't try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each-other.
"
24394,"*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing* Me: You really need to hurry up  we're going to be late. *Child starts singing faster*
"
20767,"What do you call it when a lizard cums? Busting a newt
"
206847,"Soda Can Yesterday someone hit my head with a soda can, luckily it was a soft drink.
"
137798,"What did the policeman say when he was told about the large pothole? """"I'll look into it.""""
"
114907,"Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white... ...so now it looks like France landed there.
"
228421,"Chief: You're the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge! Me: *realising I left both in my son's crib* Uhhhhh....
"
16886,"Why Marriage is Difficult Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.
"
66581,"Why do men die before their wives? Because we want to!
"
222456,"Knock knock, who's there? """"Star wars episode IV a new"""" """"Star wars episode IV a new who?"""" """"Star wars episode IV a new whope"""" So bad that it's good?
"
88578,"A nun was kidnapped No offence but she was asking for it. Nun taken.
"
68300,"Atheist Sam's grand-daughter Saudi Atheist Sam gets an email that his new grand-daughter is named Saudi. His first response? Jesus!
"
2581,"Why do I like sweet potatoes? Cuz they're yammy!!!
"
95449,"""""Turning on the dishwasher..."""" Is what I call foreplay with my wife.
"
153741,"What does a Russian use to wipe their mouth? ... a soviet
"
42761,"Wanna hear a good abortion joke? Uhhh... Nevermind..
"
51335,"Why are Microsoft circuit boards so bad? They use French resistors.
"
108067,"""""I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid..."""" -how vodka was born
"
162797,"[At a San Francisco Dance Club] *Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt* Hey baby, what's your name? """"Robert""""
"
10419,"My friend doesn't believe in gosh. I'm afraid he'll go to heck.
"
59824,"I forgot my joke about a lollipop... I swear it was on the tip of my tongue!
"
223878,"What do you call a homeless college student? A philosophy major
"
85799,"I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn't funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.
"
6264,"What's the difference between a Therapist and The Rapist? Just a little space
"
38196,"I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
"
133289,"I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one.. There all like awww shit, who's it gonna be this time
"
192195,"I accidentally bumped pretty hard into what I think was a transgender woman Felt like a dick
"
201551,"A woman visits reddit...
"
130863,"I added broccoli to my kid's Mac n Cheese and now he's sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.
"
106230,"Someone needs to tell Madonna you can't call it """"Girls Gone Wild"""" when you're a 100.
"
114279,"You know it's true love when your wife farts in bed & you go in the other room & text your boyfriend """"I love you.""""
"
213962,"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways... Five.
"
231583,"A flying pig defecated on me today. I shit you not.
"
130279,"(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does """"Single Ladies"""" dance)
"
53207,"Just accidentally threw an 'xo' in a text to a dude. Guess I have to fuck him now.
"
210581,"What is the core of Uranus called Urectum
"
27732,"Baltimore, eat a snickers. You turn into Ferguson when you're hungry.
"
14298,"Superman: Only one cookie left. Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it? Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO! Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
"
166227,"What is Micheal Bay's favorite phone? The Galaxy note 7
"
32012,"Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the one that had a dream got shot!
"
16506,"The world would be a much better place if people like Adolf Hitler were still born. EDIT: typo, 'stillborn'
"
79142,"If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
"
74306,"What do you call a smart mexican? Sherlock, Holmes.
"
133921,"What do ducks do at Christmas time? They duckerate cookies.
"
173810,"Did you hear the one about the umbrella in the trench coat and sunglasses? He was looking shady.
"
9132,"What kind of batteries do stuttering Canadians use? Triple Eh's.
"
18965,"''You will die alone.'' I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
"
204126,"You know what I find odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.
"
51000,"I reported my own accident on Waze Hence, the accident.
"
165082,"Jesus was gay. He was nailed by 3 guys.
"
148946,"What did the police say to the hot dog? You are under arrest.
"
71864,"What do you call a pussy with herpes? Cuntagious
"
229625,"An iPhone user walks into... [x-post r/funny] a bar, a hotel, a field. He's not too sure
"
157059,"What are the most fucked up jokes you have? Mine is: How do you make a scout cry twice? You wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.
"
122977,"A gymnast walks into a bar. He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.
"
91709,"Yes, I'd like to return this pizza """"is there a problem, sir?"""" *opens box* ITS GOT NO TOPPINGS ON """"sir, you've opened the box upside-down""""
"
77982,"The absolutely wrongest answer when you ask a woman if the carpet matches the drapes """"Nope. Hardwood floors.""""
"
85717,"What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
"
14876,"So Aliens Arrive """"Earth has a species with advanced warfare, they seem intelligent."""" """"No, they have it aimed at themselves.""""
"
6027,"You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
"
202437,"I'd like two tickets, please. - Is it for The Hobbit? - No, she's my girlfriend.
"
190489,"Q: When the boy broke his knee, where did he go to get a new one? A: At the butcher shop, where they sell kid-knees.
"
68088,"Conjunctivitis.com There's a site for sore eyes
"
160156,"Women are like helicopters... You know they work and you trust them, but if you make any effort to understand them whatsoever you'd be too terrified to go near them.
"
186332,"I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit """"ignore caller"""" on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
"
37827,"Why didn't the criminal train operator die when he got the electric chair? he was a bad conductor.
"
227844,"What if they make a movie about Leo's life and how he couldn't win an Oscar, and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar...AWKWARD!
"
4794,"KING SOLOMON: I shall cut it in two, half for each of you. WOMAN: sure ME: OH GOD NO! KING SOLOMON: ok this is clearly your meatball sub.
"
56068,"What did Goku want to be when he was growing up? a SAIYANtist!
"
110633,"If a blind girl tells you that you've got a big penis... She's probably just pulling your leg.
"
162811,"Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat's back & everyone wonders why you're naked.
"
162137,"I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
"
209607,"The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard: I'm so sorry your grandma died? I love you?
"
54411,"It sucks being a dick. Your best friend is a pussy, and your closest friend is an asshole.*a real asshole*
"
206501,"The Yin and Yan of Life Life at begining of month: I am the king. let me buy some castles and build an empire Life at month's end: Do I really need two kidneys?
"
75145,"If Terminator had a horse, what would its name be? Termineightor I'll show myself out...
"
145267,"What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly a cock down a throat.
"
53915,"You know what really gets my goat? The Chupacabra
"
219069,"Your momma is so classless... she could be a Marxist utopia
"
215555,"Whats the hardest part about being a pedophile you ask? Trying to fit in.
"
59251,"Just had a very embarrassing misunderstanding with my new Irish girlfriend. Turns out she just wanted me to take her in the Yaris.
"
72316,"[marriage counseling] She's always getting mad at me """"There's a shark living in our pool"""" IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
"
79133,"I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.
"
87108,"One Direction.
"
214649,"I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.
"
138024,"Now that people with zodiac tattoos feel stupid, I'm waiting for China to change its alphabet and indians to start clubs instead of tribes.
"
154321,"I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named """"Spider.""""
"
48633,"I hate when people ask where I think I'll be in five years I don't have 2020 vision.
"
163445,"I love arguing with you so much, I'll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
"
97218,"[job interview] """"Tell me a strength."""" I'm a decision maker. """"Excellent. How about a weakness?"""" I'm a bad decision maker.
"
35971,"[on first date] Let me get that for you. *holds door open* """"May I help you, sir?"""" Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme...
"
32949,"I just realized why many women love douche bags... It's the only thing that gets them wet.
"
113369,"[wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
"
146612,"What's worse than watching Star Wars?
"
171216,"*takes your compliment* *stares nervously at it*
"
103708,"Does it take more than one Mexican to screw in a light bulb? No, Juan knows
"
163088,"7: mommy can I play on your computer? Me: later 7: what do you mean by later? Me: I'm hoping you forget.
"
102357,"How do crazy people go thru the forest? They take the Psycho path.
"
126693,"The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died. Tributes have been lead by JK Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.
"
91076,"Q.What do me and a mirror have in common?  A.When we see your face we both crack up!
"
99705,"Two guys walk into a bar You would think the second one would've ducked...
"
129748,"Never argue with somebody legally blind about spear fighting... they can hardly see your point.
"
126845,"Why will people with MS never be great artists? They only have MS Paint
"
97782,"Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother? For smoking in bed.
"
110870,"How many dead babies do you need to turn on the light? More than 20, because my basement is still dark.
"
14476,"The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll hollows.
"
169178,"A man walks into library & asks if they have any books on coincidences. The librarian says, """"As a matter of fact, this one's just arrived.""""
"
59931,"Daughter: dad Im a lesbian Dad: Okay its cool 2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys? Son: I do
"
94646,"How many r/jokes commenters does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know but that reminds me of a similar joke my uncle used to tell...
"
56921,"Pizza will never tell you you're fat unless you're high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
"
208550,"What's the difference between feminists and hockey players? Hockey players shower after 3 periods.
"
128057,"What should you do if you get an erection on the subway? Get off at the next stop!
"
176897,"Is it solipsistic in here? or is it just me?
"
37728,"Why did the jellyroll? He saw the apple turnover.
"
120152,"Want to hear an awesome lyrebird impression? You just did.
"
136378,"Women just want security At least that's what they start yelling when I try to talk to them!
"
154568,"What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
"
65253,"What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear? An algae bra.
"
225891,"Doctor: """"The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions."""" Me: """"Okay, I'm ready."""" Doctor: """"You're not a cat.""""
"
218193,"The other day I heard that photons have mass Who would have thought that they we catholic?
"
154336,"Yo mama so fat that black holes revolve around her.
"
219798,"A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar - The bartender looks up and says 'get the fuck out of here!'
"
207047,"One of the good things about trump winning... We get to see Amy schumer leave.
"
132816,"I hate having to brush my teeth every morning. I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth.
"
50036,"In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you're never allowed to unbutton your pants.
"
128464,"Bernie Sanders should change his name to Colonel. That way he'll surely get the black vote.
"
45503,"What's the paradox of 'lingerie'? Done right, it doesn't linger.
"
197511,"Two bucks are squaring off in a field in the middle of hunting season. One says """"Let's do this, I'm game!""""
"
28385,"Apparently there's enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
"
10586,"Guy: I don't deserve you. Girl: Awwwww...you're so sweet... Guy: I don't mean that in a good way.
"
148855,"4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress* *puts on ballerina shoes* *puts on ballerina tiara* Me: Who are you supposed to be? 4: A ninja.
"
86443,"Two reposters are in a plane crush. Who survives? Reddit
"
125328,"I have a hard time telling people when something is displeasing to me... I might be dys-like-sic.
"
172595,"What is the program for pranking insane people called? Pantaloon
"
173675,"Before you decide to become an atheist try dipping an Oreo in Nutella once
"
63261,"How do you make both God and Satan angry at you? You rape Satan's wife.
"
179142,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question. Feminists can't change anything.
"
86203,"I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
"
110833,"Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4 what is 4+4? Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
"
202519,"Did you hear the Offspring song about how to store mummies? """"You gotta keep 'em desiccated""""
"
1918,"Two hillbillies were playing chess..
"
59875,"Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn't mean to one-up you. I'll pipe down.
"
110989,"Treat your women like your smartphone; touch them a lot.
"
191250,"Q: Why did the invisible man look in the mirror? A: To make sure he still wasn't there.
"
38194,"Did you hear about the knife-wielding madman who attacked a circus camp the other day? He went straight for the juggler.
"
39768,"The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say """"Die slowly"""" and """"die quickly"""". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
"
95601,"What's bigfoot's favorite food? Sasquash!
"
156790,"[NSWF] What's the difference between acne and priest? Acne waits until a boy's 14 to come on his face.
"
140641,"I met a really unfriendly Christian outside the church the other day. Told me to call him Mr Bale and shut the fuck up during filming.
"
177702,"Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.
"
95437,"What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker? Ones a snack cracker and the others a crack snacker.
"
210626,"I wanted to shave my testicles... But I didn't have the balls.
"
58604,"What did the jealous prostitute say at the orgy? Don't blow this for me.
"
36148,"*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head* M: Wow, look at that! 12: Hang on. There's A LOT more! M: 12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
"
138645,"What do communists and feminists have in common ... They cannot change anything.
"
228719,"We've all been talking about your paranoia.
"
146617,"What is a parrot's favorite game? Hide and Speak!
"
56229,"How many fams does it take to get the sky lit? Just one sun
"
89746,"It's impossible to embarrass me because once the door opens on you while you're pooping on an amtrak train, you become untouchable
"
200002,"So two cannibals are sitting in a forest, and one of them says to the other, """"Gee, I really hate my step-mom."""" The other one replies """"Well why don't you try the potatoes?""""
"
86021,"it must be confusing working at a mint when a power outage happens. because when it happens, everything stops making cents.
"
124343,"What did the woman say after 5 guys came on her for a porn video? Thank you all for coming!
"
7195,"Whenever I see a middle-aged guy trying desperately to hang onto his youth, I always think """"I should move this mirror"""".
"
45344,"Til, We are Homo Sapiens at school, And said that my mother. She wished My father was still Homo Erectus.
"
103786,"Death is coming to take a lawyer away The lawyer is weeping, """"why now? I am only fourty!"""" Death replies, """"not according to the hours you billed your clients"""".
"
27913,"Why did the orange fall out with the orange-peeler? Because he was taking the pith. /gets coat. bai.
"
165056,"What do you call a redneck family of bakers? Inbread!
"
177201,"How do you make a snooker table laugh? Put your hands in its pockets &amp; tickle its balls.
"
118824,"After Usain Bolt retires, he'll move to Iran.
"
221628,"How do you stop a lawyer from drownng? Shoot him before he hits the ground
"
112358,"Never fall in love with a tennis player Love means nothing to them
"
119042,"Why do Communist Dictators have trouble getting their work done on time? They're way too into Stalin
"
17362,"10: What does AF mean? After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF. Why do you ask? 10: Mom said you were lazy AF.
"
176229,"*Air horn sound* *Second airhorn sound* Me: """"Well this clearly isn't deodorant.""""
"
176814,"wife: YOU changed the sheets?! [flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere] me: Surprise!
"
160839,"A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan. The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass. """"What in the world is this?"""" The bartender says, """"Central Park.""""
"
59570,"Mom, what's an orgasm? I don't know, ask your dad.
"
144028,"What happened when the man put in mypenis as a password? Error not long enough.
"
230677,"Wife, I am truly truly upset... I must take this out on your vagina.
"
75806,"What is the temperature of the average coffin? 6 Below
"
49022,"What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
"
126983,"someone asked me if i liked having long hair... i told them i didn't at first but it kinda grew on me.
"
218969,"What's the capital of Greece? About 20.
"
139091,"Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar? Waiter: This is sugar. *GB stands pissed* GB: THIS..IS...SPLENDA!! *GB kicks waiter through glass panel*
"
217399,"What's the worst thing about being a transgender? Having the women inside of you telling you what to do.
"
41385,"I hate taking pictures of mirrors. The pictures always come out with some a**hole in them.
"
11551,"What do women and pine trees have in common? Every time you try to get on one, they ruin it by getting sappy.
"
94446,"What's the best part about buying dishes that are made in Mexico? They wash themselves.
"
18978,"I have often wanted to drown my sorrows. But, I can't get my wife to go swimming.
"
19894,"I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
"
171776,"Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a  caterpillar Don't worry you'll soon change !
"
19309,"After an outage, what time does the power come back on? 12:00 --:-- 12:00 --:--
"
129455,"Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the  Internet.
"
58929,"A deer stumbles out of the forest and says """"that's the last time I do that for two bucks.""""
"
207481,"My wife gave me a leaflet about anger management last week... I lost it.
"
185752,"I think I have just enough followers to start a decent sized cult
"
207915,"What do you call two lesbian dinosaurs? Lickalotypus.
"
31299,"Why are people afraid to play poker in Africa? Too many Cheetahs.
"
35926,"I had Taylor Swift in my head all day... ...I just shouldn't shake her off, shake her off...
"
99904,"A Jew boy asks his poppa for fifty dollars... Poppa Jew says """"Forty dollars, well what do you need thirty dollars for?""""
"
104395,"What's the difference between an spam and a personal attack? They aren'tt tolerated on thsi subredit
"
49360,"What Do you Call a Bowler that drops his ball a lot? Gutterfingers!
"
48236,"My sister went on a crash diet. Is that why she looks a wreck ?
"
190286,"There I was, waiting to pay for my landscaping materials, when suddenly... ...I was charged for aggregated basalt.
"
102085,"There was a blackout in the streets of Houston yesterday... Don't worry, the police have everything under control..... they shot him.
"
129139,"Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
"
197880,"What are the rough parts of Italy called? The spaghetto.
"
205504,"Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip? I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
"
212429,"So have you heard about the mass immigration problem ALDI has been having? They even got a new slogan: Do work or ALDI port ya
"
39442,"It's so hot outside that I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
"
83854,"What did the LGBT art teacher tell the kids to use when their projects needed glue ? (wait for it ... wait for it ...) brucilage !!!!!!!!
"
91151,"People say I'm just distrusting, but I don't believe them.
"
227613,"Q: How many Arians does it take to change a  lightbulb? A: Only one Arian but an awful lot of light bulbs.  (*smash*)
"
231628,"Sometimes I think we're all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.
"
85714,"If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive... ...they would eventually find me attractive.
"
100260,"Someone turn off the internet I'm trying to sleep
"
23291,"Why should you never shower with Pokemon? Because he may Pikachu
"
19570,"My girlfriend said she's break up with me if I didn't stop being a casanova. Apparently she doesn't like that I live in my Chevy.
"
54109,"Why did the zombie get a gym membership? Gaaaainsss
"
66327,"Why did the horse fail German? Because he could only say, """"neighn!""""
"
89959,"How much is 5Q and 5Q? 10Q. """"You're welcome.  """"
"
179838,"What do ducks smoke? Qwack
"
142166,"Why are wedding in Wales so inexpensive? The brides are already dressed in white.
"
106554,"I asked Santa for something to wear and something to play with... He brought me a pair of trousers with holes in the pockets. Merry Christmas everyone!
"
175812,"A big moron and a little moron were standing on the edge of a roof. Suddenly a gust of wind came and the big one fell off, but the little one didn't. Why? He was a little more on.
"
132932,"Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies!
"
216261,"Who was appointed as a proof reader of Hitler's speeches? A Grammar Nazi
"
9358,"I would like to thank the kind stranger I met on the bus this morning for teaching me the meaning of the word 'abundance'. It means a lot.
"
173496,"Me: Goodnight Moon. Moon: Don't """"Goodnight"""" me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
"
13516,"Why are black people good at basketball? Because they can run, shoot and steal at the same time.
"
85139,"An honest Joke Job interviewer: """"What is your greatest weakness?"""" Young man: """"Honesty"""" Job interviewer: """"I don't think honesty is a weakness."""" Young man: """"I don't really give a shit what you think...""""
"
216359,"If God was a mathematician God: Homosexuality is a sin! Human: But why? God: Cos
"
22283,"It's black, and when it falls out of a tree your piano breaks. Your piano.
"
191340,"What does the high elves call Gandalf? Methrandir
"
227133,"A Jewish boy asked his father... for fifty dollars for a pair of sneakers. His father replied """"Forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!""""
"
144895,"A poem for Valentine's Day Love is the fart of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.
"
76297,"100% legal to pay a kid to punch another kid in the face.
"
92614,"What was Hamlet screaming when running around a circle ? 2(pi)r or not 2(pi)r....(snicker)
"
219656,"/u/username goes to the grocery store.... username checks out.
"
231625,"Hello. It's me. I was wondering if after all this time you still had all the money you owe me.
"
68865,"Down with the metric system No more foreign rulers!
"
136430,"What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew the light bulb.
"
162678,"What does a drunk police officer do? Protect and swerve.
"
109337,"Chicken pot pie. My three favourite things.
"
134432,"My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.
"
122186,"What's the most popular family car in Norway? The Fjord Focus
"
14608,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did the black guy cross the road? To kill the chicken and eat it!
"
39597,"Poker doesn't work well in Africa. There's just too many cheetahs.
"
35791,"Thanks to incognito private browsing, nobody will discover my deepest, darkest secret.... That I play RuneScape.
"
121094,"I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer No one will do it, though
"
43575,"What sentence is vastly shorter after you remove one word from it? Child porn
"
96024,"People don't like my jokes. People don't like my jokes, and that's fine because I'm not punny.
"
104549,"What's similar between The Mafia and a Pussy..? ...I haven't been in either.
"
48257,"There are 2 types of college majors... A B. S. major and a BS major
"
33926,"I tried to read a book on Nordic countries, but... I tried to read a book on Nordic countries, but I couldn't Finnish.
"
101105,"What kind of clothes do lawyers wear? Lawsuits.
"
56122,"[After 20 min at your house] I used all your toilet paper """"Check in the cabine-"""" All of it """"We have more in the gar-"""" All of it all of it
"
49192,"What do you do if your wife starts smoking? Slow down and use lubricant.
"
113919,"Non-tweeting friend: """"So it's like FB?"""" Me: """"Except everyone's mean & sarcastic & brutally honest."""" """"Sounds awf..."""" """"Awesome. I know.""""
"
196157,"Q: Why don't Polish people kill frogs? A: Because it's their national bird.
"
168357,"Why did the boy drop his ice cream cone? He got hit by a bus!
"
205910,"Want to hear a joke about sodium hypobromite? NaBrO!!
"
11032,"Me: Did you play video games all day? 9: No Me: What else did you do? 9: I ate lunch
"
68352,"NSFW What is the difference between your father and I? Nothing. We both had sex with your mom. Just kidding, the difference is that I used a condom.
"
58274,"Two kittens are sitting on a roof. Which one falls off first? The one with the smallest [](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friction#Coefficient_of_friction)
"
34385,"6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon? Taxidermist: He will not
"
205360,"The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it...
"
186018,"I would NOT want to have to pay Carly Rae Jepsen's phone bill.
"
220402,"I love eating Swiss pancakes. They're like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
"
92527,"Trev's antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, """"I'm sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.""""
"
227931,"says if you don't like what you see in the mirror, run the hot water until it fogs up. Problem solved.
"
117792,"What do you call pizza that isn't yours? Impersonal pizza
"
10115,"My phone never asks me to put my husband down.
"
79105,"A man walks into a bar... and says """"ouch""""
"
92939,"Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?
"
222031,"How are a sword maker and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air alike? They're both black smiths
"
133472,"I'm not Racist I love blacks, I think everyone should have one.
"
81623,"Scientists have now changed the name of periodic table element 117, formerly known as ununseptium, to Chogenon. CHOGENON DEEZ NUTZ
"
3223,"A vegan, cross fitters, and yoga person sit down for dinner And nobody says a word.
"
216063,"to my friend who was cooking steaks for the first time: you can either make steaks or mis-steaks.
"
35686,"Why can't you give a balloon to Elsa? Because she'll Let It Go.
"
122145,"Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers? It's a shifty business.
"
208054,"FARMER: you ok man? ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol FARMER: lol ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
"
194256,"I have standards. I'm looking for a woman that 36-24-36. Age, IQ, Body fat %, that is.
"
67057,"Why did the seismologist not have to pay for the damage caused by the earthquake? It wasn't his fault.
"
66116,"Just bought some 007 Viagra It makes you rodger more
"
149840,"I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it's slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
"
128579,"So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back... Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
"
157784,"In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
"
152360,"3-year-old: What's a swear word?Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad.3:Me:3: Is my middle name a swear word?
"
135991,"What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman - What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? - Snowballs.
"
33464,"What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells. Credit to DBZ. Edit: Not sure why this auto flared to religion....
"
216505,"Not gonna lie to you guys, I've used my inter-net connection to look at boobs, tits, and what have you.
"
142442,"I asked Yoda for a two word review of Les Miserables """"Lame is.""""
"
5243,"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong? Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, and Michael Jackson rapes kids and gets away with it.
"
224902,"Advice for guys When a girl says you that you're going to far, she actually means you are coming to close.
"
8915,"How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish?(X-post r/nfl) Mark Sanchez.
"
26792,"Which female comedienne likes terrible punchlines? BaDum **Trish**.
"
205993,"Some girls on Facebook are cute until their 30-day photoshop trial expires.
"
152439,"My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy! Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
"
52434,"Two fathers and two sons went duck hunting.  Each shot a duck but they shot only three ducks in all. How come? The hunters were a man his son and his grandson.
"
82810,"Whats the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
"
202301,"Which wrestler has the finisher that stings the most? Stone Cold Steve Irwin.
"
20505,"What did Earth say to the Sun? My life revolves around you!
"
40982,"A programmer goes to do groceries. His wife tell him: -- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen. He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread. -- But why?, she asks. -- They had eggs.
"
180691,"""""Hello flight 56 if you hear me rock your  wings.."""" """"OK TOWER IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!""""
"
96467,"A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon. All the inmates attend the service. The preacher opens with """"It brings me joy to see you all here""""
"
196925,"Did you hear about the tight end who went to prison? He came out a wide receiver
"
183852,"The NFL has got some messed up rules Kill some dogs, go to jail, then come on back and play. But say the """"N"""" word ...... You in big trouble sucka
"
34028,"Knock Knock Who's there? The pilot
"
155188,"A guy with a wooden eyeball is self conscious... ...so he asks the homeliest girl at the ball if she would like to dance. She looks him straight in the face and says """"would I?!""""
"
102019,"What's the Wifi password in a mosque? AllahIsTheOne2345
"
82501,"Did you hear about Charlie Sheens new TV show? It's called Two and a Half T Cells.
"
60711,"Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend's birth control that says, """"guess u don't want 2 have my babies haha.""""
"
180265,"On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
"
11028,"Trains delayed due to: - Wrong kind of sun - Ominous cloud - Slightly damp leaf - Chilly track - Suspicious gravel - Sarcastic swan
"
152951,"Fun fact: if you took all the arteries and veins in a person's body and laid them end to end... Then that person would die.
"
148219,"Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead (mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
"
97251,"They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings. - Reasons why I drink
"
56839,"""""What do you mean there's not a secret passageway?"""" """"Sir, this is a library."""" *whispers* """"What do you mean there's not a secret passageway?""""
"
14802,"*daughter reading *son playing ipod *dog sleeping *house quiet *I go take a dump FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG'S ON FIRE
"
106796,"Hey, guy who named the mustache Hair lip was available
"
82169,"Bad puns are the best puns How can you tell that a baker's hands are on fire? He can't seem to *stop droppin' rolls*.
"
119331,"How can you tell how hard a nigga is? By the number of niggabytes in his hard drive.
"
181955,"why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? to get to the bottom!
"
225713,"In high school I hooked up with my teacher... She was really into me... I mean I was home schooled, but still!
"
205814,"[interview at a clothing store] be cool, don't let them know you're a dog """"so what color is this dress?"""" oh you gotta be kidding me
"
157608,"Natural Disasters are just Mother Nature's way of saying, """"How many times I have to tell you to stop making such a mess? Go to your room..""""
"
185779,"Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste.
"
188444,"What did the kid with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer
"
75415,"Your mom is like the Liberty Bell ............ Everyone gets to feel her crack !
"
119734,"*walks into library* """"Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?""""
"
219354,"Hey can you pick up summa of the way home? Me: Hey, on your way hone can you pick up summa? Wife: Summa what? Me: Summa DEEZ NUTS
"
46546,"A woman walks into a library and ask for a book on child birth. The librarian replies C-Section
"
141272,"What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Strokin-off
"
204262,"A little about me: I'm a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don't care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
"
132830,"I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
"
95334,"On CNN I just saw a headline that said """"Reddit Revolts"""" My first thought was, """"Mr. CNN reporter. You don't know the internet very well do you. Reddit is revolting every day""""
"
66139,"What is Saturn's favorite movie? Lord of the Rings.
"
70829,"If you're gay in the Muslim world you are fucked..
"
64958,"Is it just me...... or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing ?
"
215228,"""""just got my rejection letter from MENSA"""" -idiots.
"
212050,"Why do women have sex? Because they have to.
"
221138,"Coworker: It'll either work or it won't. Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
"
35726,"Rules are like a penis You can bend it as much as you want, but if you break it, you're fucked.
"
124854,"How come Mr. and Mrs. Claus don't have any kids? Because Santa only cums once a year and its down the chimney!
"
213427,"What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
"
90652,"Did you hear Willie Nelson got run over? He was playing on the road again.
"
142235,"Not all men just want a relationship for sex. Some want their ironing done too.
"
229673,"How do you kill a bear without a weapon? With your bare hands.
"
169424,"I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.
"
120206,"The French government has issued a statement regarding the recent string of terrorist attacks. Oui surrender
"
193688,"What's the difference between a turkey sandwich and a ham sandwich? A turkey sandwich doesn't recognize the Armenian genocide
"
67681,"What makes Stevie wonder? What everything looks like.
"
24217,"Big sunglasses are an ugly girl's best friend.
"
138018,"""""We've traced the call. It's coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!"""" -Trojan 911 dispatcher
"
91761,"Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that
"
219066,"What's the difference between the United States and a yogurt? That after 200 years, a yogurt can actually build a community. Haha, happy late 4th of July.
"
66657,"What is Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli
"
41973,"What are most people afraid of about Hilary Clinton? Her Penis
"
56676,"What one food is known to decrease sex drive in women more than any other? Wedding cake.
"
103772,"How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Find the fresh prints
"
10108,"What is green and smells like paint? Green paint.
"
74163,"It's that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
"
120722,"[date] Me: Are you a serial killer? You have to tell me if you are. Him: That's a cop. Me: Changing the subject, just like a serial killer
"
113019,"A Woman's place is not in the kitchen Cause that's where all the knives are.
"
118475,"What is the volume of a disk with radius z and height a? Pi * z * z * a
"
53193,"I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver 'I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago'
"
24986,"This guy says to me, """"Your girlfriend looks like a man"""" I said """"Your girlfiend looks like a man too: the invisible man!""""
"
5921,"All my life, I never thought I'd wake up at 6am to go jogging...and I was right.
"
117624,"I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
"
96144,"Women and rocks are a lot alike. We skip the flat ones.
"
166838,"Just told a girl who was getting too close we should just stay friens. In case you're wondering, I'll give her the d later
"
3706,"How are ISIS like Little Miss Muffet? Because they've got Kurds in their way.
"
34722,"Why am I fat? Every time I fuck your girlfriend, she gives me a cookie
"
65943,"Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70?? Because when she gets to 69 she has a Frog in her throat.
"
186058,"You know how to make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
"
162930,"HER: I think we should see other people. ME: I don't. We're awful. We should leave other people alone.
"
111798,"Have you heard the joke about the sky?? Well it's over your head anyway...
"
121274,"I can't imagine the difficulties of growing up with 2 gay dads double the dad jokes.
"
107168,"I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min I come on an tell them how important their business is  to me. Please hold.
"
50391,"My new favorite sex position is called """"wow"""". It's where I turn your mom upside down.
"
65748,"Fred wrote in her homework book: Margarine is  butter made from imitation cows.
"
182817,"How do you end a prayer to the Noodle God? Ramen.
"
230391,"What's the difference between Feminism and Islam One is a woman led group that aims to beat the patriarchy. The other is a patriarchy that aims to beat women.
"
85586,"As a janitor, you wouldn't believe the shit I have to clean up. http://m.imgur.com/cjYphZQ
"
145516,"Joaquin What kind of name is Joaquin? It's not Russian
"
135013,"how did the constipated... How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem... He just worked it out with a pencil.
"
219333,"Don't talk shit about someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
"
33284,"Are you celebrating Chinese New Year, gurrrl? Cuz I'd like to go home from the baa and ram ewe.
"
56981,"Poison control sounds pretty easy. Most poisons can't even move.
"
52926,"You know why those automatic sensor sinks save water? Because none of them fucking work
"
198393,"Why is Halloween one of the most popular holidays in West Virginia? It gives them an opportunity to *pump-kin*.
"
62499,"Why did the Muslim CEO dislike the cartoon of Muhammad? Because it wasn't prophet maximizing.
"
112014,"Did you hear about that earthquake yesterday? I heard it was groundbreaking.
"
98031,"I accidentally dropped my girlfriends epilepsy medication in the washing machine... ...now her clothes don't fit anymore
"
16572,"What do gangsters put on their nachos? Glock-amole
"
183692,"Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
"
46560,"Doctor Doctor I've a split  personality Well you'd better both sit down then!
"
175383,"What do you call a man with no body and no nose? Nobody knows...
"
221380,"What did the Spanish guidance counselor tell his students? You have to have gooooooaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllssssssssss!!!!!
"
59325,"When you unfollow me, I find your name on a Coke bottle, shake it up, put it back on the shelf and whisper """"suck it"""" under my breath.
"
49832,"I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
"
208251,"What do you get if you put 100 paralitycs in a hot tub? A vegetable soup
"
128183,"Popeye was a lonely sailor no wonder why he had such big forearms.
"
113792,"Why is your washing machine always laughing? It's taking the piss out of your knickers!
"
30215,"I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn't violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
"
215139,"Get in the van! me?...*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?! *jogs after van*
"
76440,"I saw a sign that said """"Watch for Children"""" and thought to myself, """"Sounds like a fair trade.""""
"
150066,"Jesus must've had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
"
20872,"oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
"
196532,"maybe she's born with it, maybe it's compulsive engagement in pleasurable habits despite their negative consequences
"
190163,"What do they call Independence Day in France? A Royale-free with cheese! (Happy [Bastille Day](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bastille_Day)!)
"
33919,"[couple tossing baby back and forth] [music stops] judge: custody granted dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
"
55422,"I've discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out """"TWINSIES!""""
"
67836,"Q: What do get if you cross a parrot and a crocodile? A: An animal that talks your head off.
"
169936,"Did you hear about the new 8bit Nazi Simulator game? It's called Eightolf Bitler.
"
217290,"What three things does a woman need to do an oil change on her car? Two boobs and a man
"
2925,"What's Gordon Ramsay's least favorite movie? IT'S FROOOOOOOZZZZEEEN
"
43054,"God: write this down Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot God: thou shalt have no- Moses: slow down, pal. It's gonna take me an hour to carve 'Thou'
"
12869,"How many ways are there to please a guy? Three way.
"
167037,"What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? The blonde keeps sucking after you slap her.
"
66002,"Geography puns So I was trying to look up some Geography puns, but I couldn't find any.
"
11972,"Eating a banana. Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium. But... why can't I use my teeth?
"
123359,"If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
"
115500,"what do you call a slutty french fry? a potat-hoe
"
37436,"Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven.
"
23025,"RIP evaporating water. You will be mist.
"
226211,"A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here. The kangaroo says, At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand.
"
188348,"Boolean Algebra You either know it or you don't.
"
19704,"""""I find it funny when my husband brags about how big his penis is.... .....Mine was way bigger""""
"
31889,"A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: All we did was correct his eyesight'
"
185524,"Barista: How do you take your coffee? Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
"
2247,"It's all fun and games until you lose your wifi signal.
"
204681,"Two peanuts walk into a bar... One was a-salted.
"
203624,"What's the difference between Bono and Jesus? Jesus didn't walk around Dublin acting like he's Bono.
"
63828,"When someone asks me where I see myself in 5 years... I dunno...I don't have 2020 vision.
"
61350,"What elements make up life? Lithium and Iron
"
96432,"No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar... With our age difference, I wouldn't be a cougar... more like a saber-toothed tiger.
"
135415,"An old man says to the doctor """"I piss like a horse at 6 each morning, poop like a goose at 7."""" The doctor says """"Then what's the problem?"""" The old man says """"I don't get out of bed until 8.""""
"
116813,"Why shouldn't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
"
139126,"When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol' days.
"
149028,"I want to form a law practice specializing in sexual harassment suits against medical professionals... I'll call it """"Doctors Without Boundaries""""
"
212315,"Sarcasm is like hitting someone in the face with a bat, but with words.
"
114889,"Why French Fighter jet are name phantom? Because they don't exist.
"
44993,"A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar... He orders a drink.
"
155462,"Did you hear about the day your parents got married? It was so beautiful even the cake was in teirs.
"
161149,"Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge.
"
83268,"What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A Milk Dud.
"
97489,"What did the depressed muppet say? I want to Kermit suicide.
"
70781,"If comedy is tragedy plus time... The holocaust is the funniest thing ever.
"
150273,"what do you call a pissed off group of door handles? An angry knob
"
8441,"Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first. I hate walking into spiderwebs...
"
99662,"`Why can't you get cell phone service when you're naked? Why can't you get cell phone service when you're naked? No shirt, no shoes, no service.
"
227651,"Heard this one at the bar last night: Women are good for 70 things... Making sandwiches and 69.
"
7736,"How did the executioner learn about knots? By watching the noose.
"
16258,"What type of transporter does Mr. Scott use? A Beemer.
"
138419,"What do you call a toilet seat that's missing the left side? Half-assed. (please forgive me, first time)
"
181729,"Did anyone see the transit of Venus? If so, was it a white one?
"
22153,"A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for an innuendo... ..So he gave her one.
"
99674,"Saudi Arabia now supports euthanasia Just proclaim you are homosexual
"
58038,"What's the difference between a Catholic and Baptist? A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.
"
105802,"If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.
"
74652,"I didn't hold open a door for a woman and she said 'I suppose Chivalry is dead' So I put my sword through her heart to prove otherwise.
"
214112,"You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
"
122792,"Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets? A: She went looking for the three guys.
"
24844,"What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger? The bogeyman.
"
138261,"I'm Not Racist! Racism is a crime... ...and crime is for black people.
"
84418,"You know how drinks always mention """"Please drink responsibly"""" ? ... Well I want to start a beef jerky brand that mentions """"Please jerk responsibly""""
"
146234,"After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they'd start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
"
78455,"I just went to a very emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
"
31482,"Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
"
226151,"Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?  A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.
"
121778,"I screwed up self-checkout at the supermarket and had to ask myself if I could see a manager.
"
41893,"Why do black people always die first in scary movies? Because they never run from nothin but the police
"
156842,"First Kangaroo: If you were  surrounded by 30 lions 25 elephants and 10 hippos how would you get away from them? Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.
"
135531,"""""Beep."""" Zebra walking past a self service checkout.
"
204117,"A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry No pun in ten did.
"
60515,"What is hillybillys fantasy?! S&amp;M . . . . .. Sister and Mother.
"
229153,"What do you call a blind deer? No eyed deer. What do you call a dead, blind deer? Still no eyed deer.
"
199416,"Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive. Now picture them holding a pizza box.
"
17843,"Me: Jimi Hendrix? Daughter: Who? Me: Beatles? Daughter: Who? Me: Doors? Daughter: Who? Me: Justin Bieber? Daughter: Hate him. Me: Thank God.
"
43933,"I visited you every day in hospital when you were in a coma. They gave me free wifi & coffee, It was the best 2 months of our married life
"
63048,"How does a jew make coffee? Hebrews it
"
83208,"I decided to vote for the most presidential and least controversial person I saw on the debate last night... So I'm going to vote for Lester Holt.
"
119078,"Bonnie Tyler is performing a concert in Greece next month. She'll be singing her classic. I need a Euro.
"
48417,"Cop: Sir, you can't use hand-held communication devices while driving Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
"
83799,"You are right, 27 is """"just a number"""" but I'm looking for a man, not a boy. No offense. PS: Save my number... just in case I change my mind.
"
213865,"When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
"
222560,"If there was a black character in Clue, the game would be called Solved.
"
64674,"Q: Can February March? No. But April May!
"
110760,"What did arnold schwarzenegger say to the chemist Get to the COPPER!!!!!
"
229451,"People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, """"Thanks!""""--please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
"
90376,"What do you call an Iraqi bodybuilder? A Mosul man
"
86057,"How do lumber theives offload their stolen goods? They fence it.
"
150476,"An old couple were in church the other morning and the old lady said to the old man """"I've just broken wind silently, what will I do?"""" He said, """"First thing is get new batteries for your hearing aid"""".
"
194524,"They say curiosity killed the cat, but what I want to know is how the cat got to Mars in the first place
"
212949,"Last night I dreamed that I was a homeless dog It was pretty *ruff*.
"
161211,"I didn't like the idea of having a beard But then it grew on me
"
138155,"Why do woman have legs? So their feet don't smell like pussy.
"
79496,"I hate gay people They are a pain in my ass.
"
75881,"I had an artist put a tattoo of an asshole put over my asshole. That way I can say, """"Are you referring to me or my tattoo?""""
"
105691,"How do you blind an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
"
169706,"How do you make a tiramisu? With a thousand Gigamisous
"
15488,"Hillary Clinton Style Condoms! *Rigged for her pleasure*
"
14277,"At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
"
52307,"I just don't understand how moats ever went out of style.
"
25565,"Attention Netflix and Chill has been replaced The new thing is Cookies and Dick...that is all
"
212616,"I volunteer a lot at a children's hospice... It never gets old.
"
99969,"Grandpa Joe's all, I'm gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk! He's my kinda people.
"
118139,"What do you call an all panda furry orgy? Panda-moan-ium
"
142688,"An archaeologist notices his partner appears to be nibbling a fossil... Curious, he walks over and asks, """"What you got there?"""" """"Not sure"""", replies the fellow, """"But you have got to try-a-lil'-bite!""""
"
63613,"After years of research, scientists have discovered what the woman wants! Meanwhile she changed her mind.
"
27383,"I never understood how you got dick from Richard. Apparently you just get him drunk first.
"
227682,"Just failed my theory test. Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.
"
109575,"Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their """"eating disorder"""".
"
46416,"Why is Santa's Sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
"
212921,"Why do Americans write """"color"""" instead of """"colour""""? Because fuck """"u"""", that's why.
"
153569,"So Kim Jong-un is claiming he personally hacked into Sony's servers in retaliation to them broadcasting a spoof interview. Is there no end to this Olympic gold Medallist's talent?
"
73789,"Why old people don't have sex? Have you ever tried pulling a grilled cheese apart?
"
11001,"HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like? ME: I don't think that will fit me.
"
156104,"What do you call it when Britain, Russia, and France make a sexual pun before WWI? A triple Entendre. History jokes, man. they're killers.
"
115690,"I learned about being sad from my dad. He's kind of a lamentor to me.
"
226712,"You know what they say about guys who don't remember their circumcision... Ignorance is briss.
"
54635,"Willie Nelson, 81, found dead... He was playing 'On The Road Again'
"
173489,"What do the weather man and every other man have in common? They say it's going to be 10 inches, then end up only being 4 to 6.
"
222968,"Why are they rioting in Ferguson? Because they carefully and objectively reviewed the evidence from the trial and thought a legitimate injustice had been done.
"
118076,"what kind of vegetable is the hypest a turnup obvs
"
96069,"Quite frankly autocorrect I'm tired of your shirt
"
75912,"William Shatner? I didn't even know he knew her.
"
157429,"Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, """"I love you too!"""" while hanging out of the sunroof. Me, 1 Kids, 0
"
205388,"2 cats smoke catnip and lay around, discussing Plato's Allegory of the Cave. """"What if the laser pointer is just a projection?""""
"
157925,"I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I'm good.
"
54208,"I took my BMW to the mechanic today after a strange light came on. I asked him what it was, as I've never seen it before. Apparently it was called an indicator, does anyone know what it's for?
"
85147,"SCIENTISTS HAVE FINALLY DISCOVERED THE CURE TO PREMATURE EJACULATION It's not out yet buy it's coming quickly !!
"
228138,"Why was NASA so interested on travelling to Mars? Because it had their Curiosity.
"
83342,"I've developed a fear of imitation ale, It's a faux beer.
"
195621,"Improve Your Target Shooting by Mr  Completely
"
159284,"If you still pay for porn I have a Typewriter and a VCR I want to sell you.
"
224231,"God: sends you to hell for aborting your 'child'.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
"
226073,"What is white and interferes with the meal? An avalanche.
"
2636,"If I were British these tweets would be worth 1.61 times as much.
"
72865,"What's a moo hoo for a darling bull? A dear steer!
"
103716,"I bought a female horse around 10pm What a night mare
"
186474,"[2024] """"Yeah my dad left to get vape juice 6 years ago, but he never came back""""
"
203542,"Sometimes I wear a tinfoil hat. I'm not one of those wackjobs, it just makes being in the microwave more interesting.
"
310,"Q: How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Juan
"
97717,"What do you call a fight between Jews? A roast
"
102286,"Why did the climate scientist cross the road? To analyze the chicken s carbon footprint.
"
142151,"Why do all travelers use the road to get to Jordans most popular destination? Because they're all Petra-flied of using the air!
"
155239,"My questionnaire for teenage girls: 1. can you not 2. do you even 3. whatever
"
420,"""""It's 5 o'clock somewhere."""" - a shitty watch.
"
64038,"What do you do with a sick boat? Take it to the dock.
"
36198,"Someone asked Russell Wilson if he wanted to win the Super Bowl. He said he would pass.
"
11586,"[tweets about one side of an issue to my followers who all agree with me already] hell yes I'm making a difference
"
131285,"My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
"
128274,"My girlfriend's mood is like the graph of sin(x)..... Her mood goes up and down within one period.
"
72215,"My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time, But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity
"
45879,"The Big C Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. """"What's the matter?"""" I asked. """"I've got the big C,""""he said. """"What, cancer?"""" """"No, dyslexia.""""
"
219264,"A woman who's PMSing and a terrorist... What is the difference between a woman who is PMSing and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
"
27995,"How do you get a gay guy to screw a women? Shit in her pussy.
"
138470,"I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control... I thought to myself Well, this changes everything
"
42396,"What do you get when you clone a cyborg? A cyclone.
"
27323,"WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk ME: [from cardboard box] i'm sorry come out of where? WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
"
189937,"So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife's idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
"
116920,"Why did the student fail the exam? Spent too much time figuring out the Engels, so he didnt get the Marx.... thats what he gets for Stalin
"
107506,"What did the black kid get for christmas? Your bike.
"
156956,"What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.
"
146666,"What kind of fun does a priest have? None.
"
115376,"Sex with a girl is like going to Six Flags I'd have to wait in line for an hour and a half and when it was finally my turn I wasn't big enough to get on the ride.
"
78881,"the homeless woman I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
"
181662,"Why are pizza makers always poor? Because they knead dough to make a living.
"
64872,"What did Noah do with all the poop? Threw it overboard. it formed the UK. Taken from here: http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/240xyy/brilliant_neil_degrasse_tyson_quote/ch2kcxl
"
1610,"I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.
"
95174,"What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaaaay
"
38700,"NO MORE READING! Yesterday I was reading this article in the newspaper about all the danger of alcohol. It scared the crap out of me!!! So that's it - from this day forward, NO MORE READING!
"
65838,"What is the difference between 69 and an ambush ? With 69 you see the cunt coming at you.
"
196551,"My Uncle Bill was a terrible door to door salesman. He never once was able to get one door to buy another.
"
47462,"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
"
41532,"I'm going to make a city just for people with special needs. I'll call it Downtown
"
204266,"I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid
"
213432,"Once you understand they're unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
"
13373,"Robot Doctor. Robot Doctor: """"I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."""" Patient: """"What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"""" Robot Doctor: """"1"""".
"
38183,"[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
"
207933,"I like my beer like i like my violence.. Domestic
"
39916,"Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive? She was a woman.
"
36749,"I'm an anti vaccine activist, and didn't vaccinate my children. They're all dead, but at least they don't have autism!
"
229427,"extremely suspicious that there's no information about brains that didn't come from a brain
"
26791,"Mom She gave me life She gave me love She gave me sarcasm She gave me the ability to cut brake lines so that it looks like an accident.
"
21376,"I think a ladies pubic hair should be called... A muffstache.
"
130323,"Why do women make such great plumbers? They like to bring up shit from the past.
"
202602,"Most women who've dated me will tell you I'm about an 8 on the pain scale.
"
216741,"After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. """"No hablo ingles.""""
"
224038,"I had a frozen apple for lunch today It was hardcore
"
13718,"Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.
"
200900,"wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you me: *giggles* wife: me: wife: ...go ahead me: """"do do""""
"
79412,"My girlfriend told me that if I were a tree, she'd want me to be a Christmas tree so she could spruce me up I told her she'd probably be a huge birch
"
11189,"Smiling is disencoursged in my country. It isn't illegal but it is frowned upon.
"
59225,"A man walks into a bar.. ..all the bottles fall down.
"
154703,"A man walks into an eye doctor and asks to see the doctor... The nurse replies, """"Not with that eye!""""
"
203928,"Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was an oar deal!
"
38760,"Who do Egyptians pray to when the public transportation breaks down? Anubis (If you don't get it, say it slower.)
"
214764,"Them: Hi. I'm happy to meet you. Me: Hi. I'm awkward and already trying to find a way out of this conversation.
"
31131,"Why don't blind people go skydiving? It scares the hell out of the dog.
"
213681,"A serial killer walks into a bar... ... And becomes the bartender.
"
45317,"Did you hear about the Buddhist that refused Novocaine during his root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication...
"
156805,"Favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell's Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
"
106836,"A woman was robbed... ...but upon coming home she discovered that nothing was stolen apart from her lightbulbs. She was delighted
"
84310,"My wife asked if I was coming to our daughter's dance recital... I was, but I paused the video, pulled up my pants, and denied it.
"
200665,"I Swear, These Jell-o Products Just Keep Getting Worse... It's almost like they're pudding in less effort. I'll see myself out.
"
75274,"I like my black people like I like my coffee I don't like coffee.
"
89456,"Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
"
11004,"Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower on the boat? She wanted to wash up on shore
"
156814,"Did you hear about the guy who thought he saw a fog? Apparently he was mistaken
"
170400,"JONATHAN EDWARDS: God abhors a sinner and holds him over the flames of hell like some loathsome insect LOATHSOME INSECT: Wow I'm right here
"
151459,"Be a part of history! Die in a catastrophic natural disaster.
"
205156,"Whoever invented the iPhone charge cord is probably the same shitlord who invented the Capri Sun pouch.
"
45914,"I went to therapy because of all the years I've been putting Chef Boyardee inside of me... I finally admitted how much he's been sodium-izing me.
"
167496,"What did Einstein text to his friend who he'd see tomorrow? E=MC U L8R
"
118783,"Is Google a woman? I can't even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions.
"
40688,"What's the difference between Einstein and Kim Kardashian? Einstein is famous for special relativity, Kim is famous for simple reality tv.
"
96930,"please, Frankenstein was my creator's name; call me The Monster
"
215481,"Damn Girl, did you fall from heaven? Cus your face is fucked up.
"
154868,"Told my girlfriend to watch out! It might smell in the bathroom... She asked if I had used the air freshener. """"yeah, I did"""" """"Oh so it smells like shitrus."""" man she's funny.
"
162294,"Laughter is the best medicine Dad used to say laughter was the best medicine I guess that's why some of us died of tuberculosis.
"
80367,"What does a vampire with a weight problem drink? Blood light
"
181432,"What is Al Qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets
"
205671,"I don't need to lie. But, sometimes, I like to give the truth an extreme makeover.
"
187082,"I saw a snail driving in a car with a big s on it. It was amazing to see that escargot
"
131934,"My neighbor doesn't like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.
"
97154,"How many fuck boys does it take to change a light bulb? None, cause its already lit as fuck fam.
"
147511,"How do you write the sound made by a pot or pan bouncing down the stairs? ... ... ... ... ~~~
"
152288,"""""I'm really good in bed"""" -Ice cream
"
201945,"What's Romeo and Juliette's least favorite fruit? cantelope
"
35572,"Proof of God Every atheist becomes a theist if you give them a little space
"
100533,"I got a job digging graves, I don't know how, I just fell into it.
"
77195,"What's the cheapest type of meat? Deer balls. They're under a buck.
"
219794,"I've stopped dating this girl I met at the Diabetes Camp. Turns out she isn't really my type.
"
106521,"Why do terds taper at the end? So your asshole doesn't slam shut.
"
18458,"I'm on a whiskey diet. You should try it, I've lost 3 days already.
"
199087,"What did the buffalo say to his son before he went to college? Bison.
"
91258,"My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.
"
162526,"Watch it bro, your mouth's writing checks your body can't cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
"
134560,"LPT: what to do when someone is having a seizure in a bathtub Throw in a load of laundry.
"
34759,"Whats the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? You cant unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork!
"
23752,"What is it called when foreign girls spread their legs? I call it the British open.
"
82271,"What is brown and sticky? Michael J Fox opening a can of coke
"
230845,"What is Godzilla's favorite fruit? Squash.
"
34574,"Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs? Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs? Me: No, I said the right thing...
"
229088,"Why did the woman turn to her husband and say """"now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?"""" She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.
"
50346,"A man sees a woman 500 feet in the air... He asks her """"hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"""" She says """"No. Do you know anything about gas stoves?""""
"
57527,"What would you find on a German fire truck? Ladder-hosen
"
108529,"I was going to see your comedy but then a critic called it """"Delightful.""""
"
6092,"What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys? Coach. What do you call one white guy surrounded by 100 black guys? Warden.
"
165133,"do you ever start rubbing your eyes and then it feels really good and you can't stop so it's like eye masturbation
"
100982,"Which race eats the most watermelon? The human race, you racist asshole!
"
99516,"STUDENT: Will there be a final? PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods? BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
"
55757,"Did you hear the news about quadriplegia research? No? Probably because they haven't been making great strides.
"
61131,"I hate grocery shopping. That's why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I'm getting, but it sure is faster.
"
223032,"What number is higher than infinity? 420
"
19367,"Ladies and Gents """"Ladies and Gents.... ...and that concludes our tour of the toilets.""""
"
195734,"Why did the black man have to sell his parrot? because polly wanted a cracker
"
188310,"Why did the scarecrow win the nobel peace prize? Because he was outstanding in his field!
"
38298,"How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.
"
172597,"What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a wall? My dick while doing it.
"
44194,"Dear Mom and Dad, if you can read this tweet, Congratulations!!! it's time for lesson number 10.
"
101443,"I really have to hand it to short people Because they usually can't reach it anyways.
"
207497,"Thinking about having kids? Buy a plant. If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you're too old to have kids by then.
"
215088,"Nerdy Fairy Tale """"Grandmother, what big ears you have!"""" """"Since I can't see you, I can at least hear you Infrared Ridinghood...""""
"
44207,"What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question and a joke?
"
24727,"Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads...Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
"
104713,"If you guys don't hear from your sexy lady friend TC today it's because he's spending Father's Day with his family.
"
231534,"I don't hate you, but if you we're drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
"
175017,"What do you call a gay Asian? Caucasian
"
222905,"It doesn't matter whether you're a bad parent or a bad drug dealer... Because at the end of the day a kid gets smacked.
"
120681,"Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
"
105848,"What did russian judge say to the jury? I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.
"
12557,"How did Jesus get so ripped? By doing Crossfit
"
14310,"Football players, basketball players and soccer players all play with balls. How come my girlfriend refuses to.
"
182178,"[me adjusting paintball mask] it's too bad we aren't on the same team date: yeah
"
175840,"Going to take my girlfriend out on a date to a Jewish restaurant. Hopefully it'll bring us kosher.
"
128925,"My new pickup line Does this smell like chloroform to you?
"
202380,"Boy: Did you know you can get fur from a three  headed mountain monster? Girl: Really? What kind of fur?  Boy: As fur away as possible!
"
80726,"Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
"
104790,"What is the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? A rooster says """"cock-a-doodle-do"""", and a prostitute says """"any-cock-will-do.""""
"
172032,"What did the battered woman say once she finally realized she was no longer sexually attracted to her abusive husband? Beats the fuck out of me.
"
157334,"Why are cats against abortion? Because they're CATholic
"
191551,"Game of Thrones would have had more seasons... But HBO didn't want it to dragon too long.
"
119392,"Donald Trump is such a good salesman he could sell ice to the Eskimos. Which will come in handy considering his policies on global warming.
"
126996,"The largest city in the world is: The largest city in the world is Dublin. That's because the size and population are always Dublin.
"
142452,"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants The bartender says, """"Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"""" The pirate says, """"I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!""""
"
165714,"What do you call an ape that's both extremely frugal and fearful? A cheap pansy
"
100764,"What do you call it when you say """"please"""" and """"thank you"""" during sex? common Coitusy
"
23620,"ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes? HER: What? No, I said asterisks. ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!
"
131687,"Thought up a reddit joke today. When is a triangle a rectangle? When it fails
"
201853,"Have you ever tried to eat your own watch? Well it's very time consuming.
"
117495,"What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts. 
"
115726,"Why is the ocean so salty? The land never waves back.
"
2364,"Tequila everyday keeps sobriety away
"
115243,"I went to a zoo the other day There was only one animal in the zoo a dog it was a shitzu
"
100406,"*rage dresses *rage stomps down stairs *rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind *rage stomps upstairs *rage undresses
"
47498,"Use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence My brothers girlfriends boobs are so big when she wears a ten button shirt she can only fascinate.
"
86138,"How was the bear able to move in order to get honey? It had muscles.
"
165180,"Where do hipsters drown? the mainstream.
"
41965,"Active voice: I loved your book Passive voice: Your book was loved Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
"
117003,"""""Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption"""" the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
"
93467,"The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.
"
148087,"Did you hear? The supreme court ruled that gay marriage has extended to swans.
"
84249,"If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
"
152383,"What did the cowboy say as he walked into a German car garage? Audi
"
35065,"Why do they call chicken wings, chicken wings? Cuz they go flyin' out of your butt after you eat them!
"
20369,"I'd hit that. - women drivers
"
57076,"I saw the most unnecessary roundabout the other day... ...it was literally pointless
"
66949,"A guy walks into a bar ... and orders a drink.
"
212133,"There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
"
53630,"Computers are like old testament gods. Lots of rules and no mercy. Not mine, got it somewhere on the internet.
"
80939,"Brad Pitt might be """"better looking"""" than me, but I am considerably fatter.
"
45878,"My dad's never been proud of me The other day he asked how old I was, I said """"twenty-one"""". """"When I was your age I was twenty-two"""" he replied.
"
209235,"URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT'S REALLY """"NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY"""" PLEASE SAY YES.
"
164996,"Trump's wives were immigrants. Proving again that immigrants will do jobs Americans won't.
"
164860,"Why do sailors use liquid soap? It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.
"
40050,"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
"
164950,"What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAND EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
"
5736,"An artist found a way to draw a two-sided figure, but the International Geometry Summit immediately began to furiously contest the new shape... I say, let bi-gons be bi-gons
"
201308,"Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
"
46481,"What do you call it when an ex pees on you? EX-STREAM!
"
198863,"Did you know that no matter how much you move a piece of paper, It remains stationary...
"
12657,"A guy goes to his doctor. The doctor says to him, """"You need to stop masturbating"""". The patient says """"What? Why?"""". The doctor replies """"So I can examine you""""
"
97535,"My girlfriend wants a Christmas Gift she can wear... I'm going to give her a facial.
"
20577,"Where does a pornstar go for timeout? The casting couch
"
19668,"Q: What does a blonde answer to the question """"Are you sexually active?"""" A: """"No I just lie there.""""
"
100057,"It's cute how the news wants me to stick around until 11 for the forecast. As if I didn't have 17 other ways to get that info in seconds.
"
228936,"hi yeah I'm here about the junior executive position. my skills? well I'm SUPER GOOD at playing video games i found too difficult as a child
"
191623,"Birth Control My wife and I had seven kids. We tried using birth control pills, but they kept falling out.
"
227220,"The wife of a programmer tells him.. """"Honey, would you please go to the store and get us a watermelon for the barbeceu. If they have eggs get a dozen."""" He came back with twelve watermelons.
"
147040,"Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
"
151654,"Can antelopes get married? No, they cantaloupe.
"
201980,"Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi
"
528,"What does a sheep in denial say? Nahhhh
"
47616,"What do you get when you cross a black and asian man? (slightly racist) A car thief that can't drive.
"
118901,"Kanye smashing his bathroom mirror to free the other Kanye trapped behind the glass.
"
33308,"Customer: Why don't you have doggie bags? Waiter: That would be cruelty to animals.
"
33506,"Persian joke Yesterday I was so hungry, I went to the sandwich shop and ordered Ham e Cheese. ....  means """"every thing"""". (first timer here, be gentle)
"
128237,"I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
"
138381,"Thanks for the memory I bought a memory foam mattress topper for my bed but I can't remember if I put it on or not?
"
168376,"""""I should probably start filling this thing out."""" -I say about my son's baby memory book on his wedding day.
"
43993,"What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwomen? - Snowballs :)
"
43486,"Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
"
104828,"How does a Welshman find sheep in tall grass? Irresistible.
"
216028,"Why are flowers the best test takers? They have all of the anthers.
"
31460,"A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, """"Oh alright, I'll stay the night.""""
"
50665,"jail phone hey what do you call a phone in jail? a CELLphone :D
"
69619,"Stevie Wonder walks into a bar... Then a table, then a chair.
"
89485,"What did the doctor say to the witch in  hospital? With any luck you'll be able to get up for a spell.
"
56421,"The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it. Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
"
79484,"DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
"
67493,"When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, """"No, thanks. I'm vegetarian.""""
"
17289,"[Pun] Why did Henry invent the assembly line? He couldn't a-Ford not to. *bad-dum tish*
"
231201,"Tried changing my password to """"14days"""" but it was two week
"
222463,"Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
"
182592,"Only the immature will laugh A sausage and an egg are frying in a pan. """"It's a bit too hot in here for me, mate."""" The sausage says to the egg. The egg screams, """"Ahh! A talking sausage!""""
"
105323,"i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.
"
45963,"How does a sailor remove a condom? He farts
"
214420,"""""It's a banana in my pocket"""" """"May I remind the defendant that he's under oath?"""" *averts eyes* """"I'm glad to see you""""
"
140647,"50 shades - only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
"
92718,"What happens when you mix Jared from Subway and Bill Cosby? I don't know; It was too long ago, and I can't remember.
"
208928,"My friend tried to kill herself by taking 20 advil. I was very upset by this and I asked her """"Why take 20 advil when you can just take 2 aleve?
"
188245,"I'm changing my name to Ceed. Because all girls want to succeed!
"
555,"How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.
"
59292,"if i were a cab driver, i'd scream """"ROAD TRIP"""" every time i got a passenger
"
154700,"What do you call a woman who thinks she has the best rack in the world? [oc] Boobcocky
"
159463,"Why cant a nose be 12 inches long? Cause then it would be a foot.
"
101957,"I had long suspected a rival robot lumberjack of stealing my wood So I checked its log files.
"
78693,"What did the dolphin say when three orcas swam by? Whale, whale, whale, who do we have here? Please, this is a cry for help.
"
142216,"How do you kill Donald Trump? You dont, that would be a poor life decision you would most likely be imprisoned. But you get to practice your TRUMPet.
"
9321,"Whenever there is trouble, Justice League cums in a... Flash
"
189325,"I am not a weatherman but... you can expect 20 centimetres tonight
"
183965,"What did the smoked salmon say after it realised it was no longer ill? """"I'm cured!""""
"
95990,"Those Jihad magicians really need to learn new tricks... I'm tired of watching reporters get sawn in half.
"
202448,"This is a math joke So x^2 goes to a x^3 and asks, do you believe in god. For a moment the x^3 pauses before responding, you know what, I do believe in higher powers.
"
124513,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Althea ! Althea who ? Althea in court!
"
146880,"Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
"
81525,"When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
"
228113,"Infatuation prick is the answer, what is the question? How do you want your wontons cooked?
"
102694,"A guy goes into a Latvian bar with 3 potatoes Walks out with a female entourage that would make Hef proud.
"
189000,"If you listen to Nicki Minaj backwards, you'll hear the illuminati's plans What's worse, if you listen to it forward, it's Nicki Minaj
"
12454,"Why are so many Germans into scat? Because they appreciate the creativity and artistry of Ella Fitzgerald, and enjoy listening to her music..... while pooping on each other.
"
112590,"I have a lot of wisdom in regards to oral hygiene. I'd consider myself a flosserpher.
"
129264,"Eight bytes walk into a bar The bartender asks, """"can I get you something?"""" """"Yeah"""", the bytes reply, """"make us a double""""
"
147352,"Check this one out: 1
"
41641,"I didnt know what to wear to my first meeting of the premature ejaculation society.... ...so i came in my pants.
"
122092,"My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar. I said """"maybe"""".
"
42174,"There's a guy at the office today wearing full camo. At least I think so... I haven't seen him in a while.
"
164894,"If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
"
130388,"What is Donald Trump's favorite nation? Discrimination
"
82855,"What's grandma's favorite seasoning? Old Bae
"
27168,"Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player. He was big in the minors.
"
186943,"I do this fun trick at parties where no one there likes me so I don't go.
"
126085,"ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open WIFE: they don't say that, you're drunk ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
"
214725,"sorry i'm still an undecided voter, but it's hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
"
149153,"What's 3 inches long, stiff, and makes people laugh? My dick.
"
137279,"Where do blind parrots go for treatment? The Birds Eye counter!
"
174068,"What's a pirate's favorite letter? The C.
"
34650,"Whats the difference between pork and beef? Once fucking someone and the other one if fucking someone over
"
73207,"My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
"
22367,"What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
"
222125,"[Little bit racist] why do New Zealanders... Have insomnia? Because every time they start counting sheep they get too horny to sleep.
"
65638,"If I had a 1$ for every gender there was... I'd have 2 dollars.
"
16410,"In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.
"
15393,"'You look fat' is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
"
212577,"Who has the best K/D ratio? Hitler.
"
148754,"What kind of pants does agent Mulder wear? Just a pair 'a normal pants.
"
227691,"#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
"
20192,"What happens when a lighter smokes weed? It becomes a high-lighter!
"
224596,"What do pirates have in common with photons? They both travel at c
"
104588,"I miss the old days. When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.
"
193415,"I once asked my girlfriend if she was a newspaper. Because there's a new issue with her every fucking day.
"
151099,"Old Chinese Proverb Says """"Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok""""
"
1738,"For someone who said """"Correct me if I'm wrong..."""" you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
"
34548,"[circus school] """"So to tame the lion, you have this whip..."""" What if the lion's too close? [picking up tiny stool] """"we've thought of that""""
"
168875,"What do grapefruit and women have in common? The best ones squirt when you eat them.
"
94315,"How are dogs and addicts similar? They both have PAWS
"
73565,"exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said """"that's the girl I'm gonna marry one day"""" but it turned out to be a lamppost
"
208759,"I couldn't figure out why my data wasn't coming out like my classmate's, until I realized I dropped a square root in the formula. I put it back in and re-plotted the data. I saw a radical change.
"
24280,"I went for my physical yesterday. Nurse came in the room and she said """"I'm going to have to ask you to stop masturbating"""" I was like """"What? Why!?"""" She said """"because I'm trying to do your physical!""""
"
217808,"What's the difference between a chickpea and a potato? You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.
"
208524,"Someone called me racist for saying """"black paint"""" Apparently the politically correct term is """"Tyrone, please paint the fence""""
"
157051,"I keep having suicidal thoughts But I try not to get too hung up on them.
"
135015,"one small step for man one giant step for a really small man
"
197494,"I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
"
204944,"Yo Mamas so stupid she got lost in a telephone booth.
"
149557,"WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
"
165480,"Trump is supporting the minorities The minority of scientists that disbelieve global warming.
"
87131,"Did you hear the one about three holes in the ground? Well, well, well...
"
223052,"What do you call that useless piece of skin on the end of the vagina? A woman
"
26654,"Q: What do you call the study of the purchase of tree parts? A: Stem sell research.
"
218496,"Why should you always bring an iPhone to Mos Eisley Cantina? Because droids can't get service.
"
213103,"Hear about the time Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile? Mohammed responded """"Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!""""
"
5461,"How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meet Patty!
"
118457,"Pissed off? Punch a wind chime and you'll feel better.
"
228733,"You know what a Rhetorical Joke is?
"
151039,"It's important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you're all set to go
"
214879,"My penis is in the Guinness Book of World Records... ...I wonder how long I can keep it here until I got kicked out of the library.
"
112873,"What do you call a white woman that identifies as black? TransRachel - credit Jennie
"
37786,"I like my women like I like my coffee... I don't like coffee
"
143767,"If """"she'll be riding six white horses when she comes"""", she's probably a little more woman than I can handle.
"
149771,"My boss knocked on my office door and asked if I had a sec... I told her I have lots of secs. Now I'm looking for a job.
"
151639,"""""So here are the plans for the Eiffel tower..."""" """"Hmm. Yes, yes - this is Gustave!""""
"
131295,"Why did Mr. Clinton want to become President? Because it pays the bills.
"
78399,"Why do athletes prefer nuns to time their laps? Because when a nun times anything it's zero. (0*n=0) :D
"
218153,"My dick is like news... ...because it passes from mouth to mouth.
"
56608,"Save some A's for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
"
149399,"What does a Polish groom give his bride for their wedding that is long and hard? A new last name.
"
24430,"A man walks into a bar... His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.
"
155954,"My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. 
"
186025,"So apparently airport security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
"
1390,"People tell me that I'm condescending That means I talk down to people
"
146718,"I'm beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.
"
202087,"How many SJWs does it take to screw in a light bulb? THAT'S *NOT* FUNNY!
"
140620,"My new Toyota is going to be in a new movie . . . Just a small part. It's just a Camryo.
"
37308,"A chemist is surprised by a pan of old-fashioned magnesium photo flash powder going off in front of his face. """"MgO!"""" He shouts, temporarily blinded.
"
123188,"Sometimes i get scared robots are going to take over. Then i use a motion-controlled sink.
"
202436,"What was in those drums of chemicals Captain Malcolm Reynolds hid behind in Firefly? For-Mal-To-Hide.
"
155717,"Who named the Sperm Whales? Seamen.
"
136547,"Father: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me? Mother: Probably dear. I still have all of mine.
"
96439,"How many eggs does a Frenchman need? One, because that's an Oeuf.
"
164773,"If there's a """"Mr."""" in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.
"
193046,"How do you sink a norwegian submarine? You knock on the door. How do you sink the same sub again? You knock on the door and they'll come out saying """"Haha! We're not falling for that one again!"""".
"
116828,"Why is one thousand million billion trillion so bad? It's very naughty
"
53535,"My foot just fell asleep, I'm terrified that drunk white people will notice and start drawing moustaches and penis' on it. #ILoveYallReally
"
148494,"Saw some cows just standing around in a field doing absolutely nothing. Get a job, hippies.
"
189250,"How not to be funny. /r/funny
"
208461,"How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin-divers
"
19319,"Why do people take such an instant dislike to Ted Cruz ? It saves so much time.
"
10542,"Why did the hipster die? He thought breathing was too mainstream
"
162804,"How did the metal get the wrong idea? He was misled.
"
7116,"Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it's just pointing to another refrigerator.
"
144637,"There should be a drama series about women trying to figure out their mystery leg bruises.
"
55527,"Said """"large"""" today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting """"Venti, Venti, Venti!"""" and a mass suicide occurred.
"
20947,"What did the vegetable say to the dj? lettuce turnip the beet
"
104835,"I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says """"Your sister wouldn't have missed that.""""
"
203105,"Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
"
75379,"How will Donald Trump decide which ones to deport? By separating the good Juans from the bad Juans!
"
2183,"What type of car does an African drive? A Sudan
"
156639,"If I commit suicide, it'll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
"
116260,"Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
"
22199,"Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don't be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don't show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
"
2260,"What did the Alligator say to the turtle? Can I bayou a drink?
"
204508,"A mugger pulls a knife and shouts """"Your money or your life!"""" The victim just shurgs, keeps walking and calls over his shoulder """"I'm a postdoc, I don't have either.""""
"
216514,"Why is Neil Degrasse Tyson such a famous physicist?... On the day he was born he escaped a black hole...... and then he spent his life studying them.
"
226108,"Stuff I think about... I've often wondered what would happen if a Schizophrenic took a multi-vitamin. I have many more of these posers I may or may not post....
"
78640,"Why do Klingons feel very little pain? They produce a lot of endworfins.
"
181837,"And for his much awaited stunt, Ku Klux Knievel will attempt to jump 50 bIack kids with a steamroller.
"
5931,"Bruno Mars is the best levitating vegetable magician I've ever seen. He can do 24 Carrot Magic in the Air
"
17428,"Why should I date you? Girl - Give me 1 good reason, why I should date you? Guy - I'll give you 69.
"
199040,"What time did the man go to the dentist Tooth hurt-y
"
215051,"LPT: Always sneeze when calling in sick to work So your boss always """"nose"""" that you are really sick.
"
119661,"Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.
"
165709,"Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
"
102746,"Why are there no homosexual traffic lights? They can't change, even if they try.
"
175371,"Why is Iron Man Italian? Because to get him you have to rig-a-tony..
"
94412,"What sexual position makes the ugliest babies? Ask your mom.
"
54312,"What the opposite of progress? Congress
"
208787,"What did the fish say to the man draining its aquarium? WATER YOU DOING
"
112623,"For those of you wondering what it's like to be married, I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.
"
36331,"I like my women like I like my ice cream. Freezer-burned
"
175035,"Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what's coming to them
"
221067,"Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer? Because the grass tickles their balls when they run.
"
40420,"wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can't see him 9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles* me *hits him in the face with the door*
"
110327,"NEWSFLASH - Greece/Euro Announcement The EU has just announced that with immediate effect all Euro notes will be printed on Greece-proof paper
"
24798,"[at stadium with child] Me: That is batball. [at the races] Me: That is horse circles. [at the opera] Me: This is horned yodeling.
"
219033,"I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.
"
43200,"I found the quickest way for a woman to make you a millionaire. See, first you need to be a billionaire...
"
158389,"I like girls with curves, if I wanted to see bones, I would go to the damn museum.
"
228378,"What's the most important part of a joke, the setup or the punchline? To get to the other side.
"
91046,"Never accept a rap battle from a cricket unless you know more than five words that rhyme with chirp.
"
45732,"Why couldn't the banana get a date? It didn't have a peel.
"
140502,"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
"
226229,"""""It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Superman!"""" """"Nope."""" """"A spider? An aardvark?"""" """"Wrong. It's a horse."""" """"Wow. You can't draw for shit.""""
"
127766,"Avoid arguments about the toilet seat...use the sink...
"
158862,"Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now he's a hardened criminal.
"
156025,"Why do lesbians shop at Sport's Authority? Because they don't like Dick's.
"
16100,"When Tom Cruise is driving, he says """"Now in Cruise Control!"""" with this stupid smirk on his face even when there's no one else in the car.
"
227944,"You're 16 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 3 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating crayons.
"
38003,"Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
"
143838,"A red dot walks into a bar. Period.
"
199917,"1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air 2) Name it Fresh Prints 3) Make millions 4) Move to West Philadelphia
"
23960,"I am opening a restaurant called """"Peace and Quiet"""" A kid meal is 250
"
133081,"What is the media of choice for the mallard? **DUCK TAPE!!!** lololololololol-- *cough cough* --lololololol
"
90854,"[God Creating] Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes G: That sounds horrible L: People will love it G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
"
169825,"So, I have a black girlfriend now Burnt the shit out of my hand on the stove...
"
3185,"Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my fuckin' dick!
"
113858,"There's a sign at the airport in Pristina Welcome to Kosovo Your car is already here
"
25358,"How many nymphomaniacs does it take to screw in a light-bulb? As many as will fit.
"
31764,"It's hard having a cheesy personality... I get Provolonely.
"
224743,"Don't succumb to peer pressure. . . . . . . Remember, none of your friends do.
"
189352,"What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
"
131911,"9: Mom! Where's my Spiderman costume? I want to wear it to the science museum """"In your closet, why?"""" 9: DUH. To attract radioactive spiders!
"
216037,"What blood disease do communists get? Hammer and sickle cell anemia.
"
141001,"What Do You Call Adrian Peterson Playing Baseball? A switch hitter.
"
104989,"For Sale: Parachute Never opened, slightly stained.
"
204232,"How does the drug addict know the cocaine is good quality? He just nose. All credit to my BFF
"
89094,"Why is the new version called Windows 10? Because 7 ate 9.
"
128025,"Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he'll be too stoned to attack me.
"
208335,"Greatest pickup line that never works!! I put the STD in stud, now all I need is U.
"
5706,"What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman? Lots.
"
220974,"What's the difference between Buddhism and porn? Buddha teaches not to fill a hole in yourself with material possesions.
"
83904,"I like my coffee like I like my women... With my dick in it.
"
174171,"This might be an uncomfortable subject for some... But we need to start talking about Germany's plans to drill for oil in 2940.
"
37322,"Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.
"
205805,"Sorry, this joke's a repeat.. ^^^^^I'll ^^^^^show ^^^^^myself ^^^^^out
"
195239,"Hey, is your name Paul Revere? Because I want to give you a midnight ride!
"
28092,"Having a beard makes it easier to hatch a scheme, but it's getting harder and harder to play on a public swing set by myself.
"
187075,"What do you call a sexy BLONDE that understands what you're saying? A MissUnderstanding!
"
137188,"The most adventurous I get is visiting Amazon on my Safari.
"
103224,"What happened to the indian who drank too much tea? He drowned in his tea-pee.
"
208327,"Zoo... I went to the zoo and saw a loaf in a cage. A sign read: """"Bread in captivity.""""
"
181745,"What do you get when you mix birth Control and Lsd? A good trip without kids.
"
195087,"Be smart because you won't be pretty forever.
"
111687,"Hotel guest to desk clerk: """"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."""" Desk clerk: """"No, it's regular porn you sick fuck.""""
"
8130,"What's 3 inches long and pleases all women? A credit card.
"
115352,"What do you do when you meet a robotic genie? You mech a wish.
"
211310,"What Do You Call A 7 Second Minecraft Video? VINECRAFT DO IT FOR THE MINE XD
"
191510,"I'd like to thank my hands... I'd like to thank my hands for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me through thick and thin, and my fingers... Because I can always count on them.
"
139509,"Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, was quite skinny, and apparently had bad breath. That'd make him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
"
39896,"""""I don't really know my best position. left, right or center"""" """"Wayne, just get on the fcuking plane and pick an aisle will you.""""
"
7166,"What do you call a cancerous growth on a clown? A *humor*.
"
198104,"Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
"
8054,"""""I'll be back!"""" -boomerangs -and herpes
"
197728,"Say what you will about Chris Brown He produces hit after hit.
"
202402,"WIFE: Carol's hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I'd LOVE u to do that ME: Ok [next day] ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don't get it either
"
65692,"Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids? Me: When are you going to stop?
"
168076,"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit making 'Airplane' refrences
"
138918,"Did you hear about the woman who had a face transplant... They had to use human foreskin for her eyelids. She's going to be a little cock'eyed for the rest of her life.
"
17146,"Start the day with a big bowl of why the fuck am I awake.
"
72816,"Taking that CPR class before Highschool... Led me to believe that choking and strokes would have occurred more often that I thought.
"
200746,"If you live in Russia... .. then you must've picked """"HARD MODE"""" at birth.
"
225871,"What did Abraham Lincoln say after recovering from a 3-day drinking binge? *""""I set* ***who*** *free?""""*
"
212738,"What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
"
181074,"What's an environmentalist's favorite part of a computer? The recycle bin.
"
220626,"So I had sex with a condom for the first time It was good. But I still prefer doing it with girls.
"
130244,"Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates. They'll kill your dog.
"
121526,"How many good presidential candidates does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Its gonna be a dark four years, now isn't it?
"
140881,"How is pussy like veal? It tastes sweeter the younger it is.
"
115730,"Did you know there's a species of antelope that can jump higher than a two story house? This is mostly because the antelope has powerful hind leg muscles, and houses can't jump.
"
146560,"""""Mounting debt"""" sounds way sexier than it is.
"
178202,"What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!  (Edit: Say it out loud if you don't get it)
"
196772,"What did the mailman ask his girlfriend? Will you envelope with me? (I know its Corny, but it makes me chuckle.)
"
121880,"DON'T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
"
104434,"What do mathmeticians do when they are constipated? Work it out with a pencil
"
20154,"Reddit is like a shiny new penny... It's fun to look at but completely worthless
"
10670,"What's better than breaking the seal on a bottle? breaking the seal on a rock.
"
160351,"People who tweet a lot of motivational stuff on here are the same people who reminded the teacher she forgot to give out homework.
"
56618,"My girlfriend is really into space... So I've started calling my junk the """"Pillar of Creation"""".
"
150693,"If Donald Trump becomes president... Does that make orange the new black?
"
133014,"They tried to make me go to rehab, and I said """"My HMO doesn't cover residential treatment.""""
"
64206,"You know what's odd? Numbers not divisible by 2.
"
89,"What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant (Told to me by one of the kids at work)
"
78056,"Plumbers are a lot like hookers... They'll unclog your pipes, but it's gonna cost ya.
"
202951,"Why can't Africa have Volkswagen beetles? Because an elephant will screw anything with a trunk in the front. Thanks to a random guy outside of a 7/11.
"
34776,"What is not the answer to this question? Not this.
"
179306,"Proper diaper fitting If the baby's legs turn blue, it's too tight, if they turn brown, it's too loose.
"
201380,"I've had insomnia so much it is starting to worry me. But I won't lose any sleep over it.
"
50965,"What did the pirate say with the steering wheel in his pants? Arrgh, it's driving me nuts!
"
123555,"When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
"
118169,"A scottish man walks out of a bar...
"
152046,"I can't stop watching the Hunger Games movies... ...I have a heroine addiction.
"
206589,"What's the difference between a duck? One of its legs are both the same
"
211692,"the scariest thing about teenage girls is all they have to do is laugh near you and they instantly make you feel like total shit
"
199191,"It's amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don't like them!!!
"
198519,"HEY DISNEY: If Cinderella's shoe fit so perfectly, why'd it fall off? Yeah, time to do some critical thinking.
"
41825,"I could never be a hardcore gangsta rapper because there's probably a limit to how much you can enjoy a scone in public.
"
158320,"What type of wind is named after Santa  Claus's warm climate cousin?  Santa Ana
"
116303,"If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I'd still stay with them.
"
202911,"How do tree surgeons live? Life on the hedge!
"
155012,"A masochist cried to a sadist: """"Please hurt me! For the love of god, hurt me!"""" And the sadist said """"no.""""
"
71195,"FB makes HS reunions awkward. Hey, I haven't seen you 20 years. So how was that nap you took this afternoon?
"
63800,"Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie? """"You mean MAY, not CAN"""" Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
"
26704,"Knock Knock Who's there? Gilbert Melendez Gilbert Melendez who? Gilbert may lend deez nuts
"
202117,"I am one of the best fortune tellers in the world. My predictions are accurate 99.9999% of the time. I can predict your future fortune right now. You won't be winning the lottery anytime soon.
"
97286,"What does a Necrophiliac have when he is turned on? Mourning Wood
"
61182,"What did Aaron Hernandez lose when after he got cut by the Patriots His TE
"
41088,"You're mom is so dumb I knocked on her door and she said """"Let me in!""""
"
38993,"I have an irrational fear that I'm accidentally making up words. I don't want to be misunderstandable.
"
11684,"Throughout history they've removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah """"Loofifer.""""
"
162593,"Bears eating a clown Two bears finish eating a clown and one of them asks the other """"Did he taste funny to you?""""
"
181723,"Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
"
134081,"what do you call a magical dog? A Labracadabrador.
"
43230,"Yelling at a dog... Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog just probably thinks, 'Awesome, now we are both barking!'
"
111556,"What's Adam Sandler's favorite salsa? Medium Pace
"
167289,"What do you do if you step on a landmine? Well standard procedure is to jump 50 feet and spread over a wide area.
"
31811,"Do I know any jokes about Sodium? Na
"
106221,"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
"
153656,"Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
"
195661,"A Short History Lesson The old missionaries who arrived in the West Indies were the cannibals first taste of Christianity
"
111568,"HEY YOU GUYS! Last chance to date me before I call it a day and start wearing socks under sandals.
"
199355,"What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A pilot, you racist bastard.
"
142868,"I'm starting to think Twitter has nothing to do with birds.
"
227700,"Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A. Because they're all pigs.
"
224792,"What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? Its pasture bedtime
"
181233,"My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: """"I enjoy receiving a paycheck.""""
"
160967,"Instagram's down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
"
206812,"What did the band Weezer say about the nudist beach? All the mammaries made me want to go back there!
"
65698,"What's the difference between getting the girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car? How pissed your wife gets when you explain the coat hanger.
"
27480,"First The Doctor Told Me The Good News I Was Going To Have A Disease Named After Me
"
171153,"Policeman: Why have you parked your bus  here? Bus Driver: The sign says """"Bus Stop.""""
"
230982,"I'm not saying my wife's a snob but even her colostomy bag is a Louis Vuitton.
"
176918,"IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high? ME: Your guess is as good as mine I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans M: Ok I take that back
"
47132,"There are two types of people in this world: Those who need closure...
"
87497,"If John has 100 pieces of bacon, and he eats 20, what does John have? Happiness. John has happiness.
"
199246,"*Comments on Facebook picture* """"That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.""""
"
63430,"STUDENT: what's it like being drunk? TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12. STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
"
91930,"How's it going? """"I'm so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now"""" You're supposed to say 'fine' & ask how I am. Bye.
"
199383,"The police caught a man masturbating in public. As they were arrestng him, they told him, """"You came in the wrong neighborhood.""""
"
27374,"So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
"
72029,"An Irishman walks out of a bar... !!!
"
45807,"What do WNBA players make? Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share
"
51379,"Not a Latvian joke Lost job and no money for buy potato. Also is cold. Regret immigrate to Detroit.
"
52506,"What do you call a communist pirate? Lutin.
"
6613,"Can't be an atheist after getting in a subway car with no a/c because u now know hell is real
"
144132,"Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem is overused, just like your mum.
"
116979,"A man walks into a drug store... And asks the druggist for two boxes of condoms. The druggist asks """"do you need a paper bag with that?"""" To which the man replies """"hell no, she's good looking!""""
"
109488,"Did you hear the one about the guy with two wooden legs? They caught fire and he burnt to the ground.
"
157451,"It's convenient for my password security needs that my mother's maiden name is Waffles4%
"
187894,"What's the difference between a  schoolteacher and a train driver? A schoolteacher says """"Spit out that toffee"""" and a train says """"Choo choo.""""
"
40619,"If I'm extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it's cause I've forgotten your name
"
29642,"I'm like an onion When I cut myself i cry
"
51108,"I just had 'the talk' with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn't real.
"
156395,"So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.
"
41881,"Disguise a mini-recorder as a walkie-talkie and play this at high volume: """"DO YOU COPY? IT'S A BEAR WITH HUMAN HANDS! A BEAR WITH--[static]""""
"
45766,"Got passed by a guy with a ponytail riding a moped so no I'm not ok.
"
184595,"Where do wind gusts go to on dates?  -To Chicago
"
169462,"[william shakespeare as an 8yo] dad: bedtime william: dost thou not... dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!
"
60291,"You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
"
212863,"A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says... """"Why the long face?"""" The horse says, """"My wife was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer."""" The bartender says, """"Holy shit! A talking horse!""""
"
64852,"I'd like to give it up to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
"
82679,"Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man? The Book of Job.
"
86894,"My new Muslim Girlfriend keeps talking about a blow-job. I don't know whether to get my cock out or to warn London transport..........
"
225517,"Today has me remembering my father's last words... Be right back.
"
46147,"Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night. Coworker: Wasn't the building alarmed? Me: Buildings don't get scared. CW.....
"
137906,"What do you call eight rabbits walking backwards together? A receding hare-line.
"
35453,"I just responded to a text message with: I can't hear you, you're breaking up
"
189428,"I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years
"
76679,"What did one giant squid say to the other giant squid? What's Kraken!
"
135737,"How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 Brazilian
"
11740,"I heard this joke about a guy who gave oral sex to his sister's daughter. It was a real niece lapper.
"
30089,"I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
"
98256,"What do you call a rabbit with lots of fleas? Bugs Bunny.
"
156526,"Shouldn't Spiderman have 4 more legs?
"
196252,"I'm fed up of all this racism. I think we should all come together & unite as one...blacks, whites, Asians...and gang up on the Arabs.
"
148195,"Im a doctor and I saw an 85 year old patient with aids the other day.. Turns out they were hearing aids
"
228558,"The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We're Just Cucumbers With Anxiety"""" - Science Person
"
229847,"Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I'm not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.
"
118022,"What don't you want to hear after performing oral sex on Willie Nelson? I'm not Willie Nelson.
"
68378,"Husband:-""""So when you starting back at the gym""""? Me:-""""Why""""? H:-""""Because you need to"""" His funeral takes place next week.
"
124136,"How come Notepad has no street cred? It can't wrap.
"
52086,"So I went to the mattress store and tried laying on one of the Temper-Pedic mattresses. I was impressed.
"
131406,"What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuckup cunts
"
119882,"What do you call an introspective monk? A deep friar.
"
168175,"Says if you're happy and you know it drop your pants!!
"
184146,"What do you get when you eat all the potatoes? They're all gone!
"
46265,"What do you call coffee for jews? Hebrew.
"
172855,"I have an addiction to cheddar... But it's only mild
"
155528,"What did a pirate say to fellow pirate? Are you seeding?
"
129792,"What do you call a pig that does karate? Q: What do you call a pig that does karate? A: A pork chop.
"
158079,"I made a short joke today... It wasn't very funny.
"
15394,"What do you get when you enter a cow into the Kentucky Derby? Milk and Bookies.
"
77957,"If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
"
28825,"I sat next to this attractive Thai girl on the train... I kept thinking *don't get an erection*,*don't get an erection*, but she did.
"
154466,"Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
"
45744,"PSA: If you have kids, do not label the box of your ...ahem.. special items """"Toys"""". It's very awkward to explain.
"
234,"I once bought an e. e. cummings poem collection.. It was the worst game of Mad Libs ever.
"
96436,"wander ten miles over the German border, shoot everybody in sight and then claim you were never over the line
"
16028,"*Dentist's waiting room* *Trying to make conversation with other patient* So... I guess you have teeth, too?
"
216428,"What do you call a balding Native American? A patchy..
"
193264,"A Jedi Knight was singing Livin' On A Prayer. It was Obi Wan Bon Jovi
"
175032,"Why was the robot cold? He was missing his winter gear
"
84346,"I once hung out with Dwyane Johnson and Danny Trejo... ...and I was literally stucked between the Rock and a hard face. ^^
"
57350,"What's the best way to announce that you're lactose-intolerant I'm allergic to Wait for it Dairy
"
7463,"Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres just drowned? They found her face down in Ricki Lake
"
69143,"My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it... We went out and had drinks. Cool guy, he wants to be a web designer.
"
184,"If we attacked Turkey from the rear... ...do you think Greece would help?
"
154185,"What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon and Michael Jackson likes to fuck little boys...
"
53463,"Saying """"I enjoy porn"""" is considerably less creepy than saying """"I enjoy watching complete strangers have sex in highly unlikely situations.""""
"
121462,"What do you call a Russian Duke who makes butter the old fashioned way? A churn-noble!
"
2158,"Why does the little mermaid wear sea-shells? Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
"
79835,"Fellas; There's no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
"
111815,"""""Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?"""" - how waiters should greet people
"
174430,"I'm on a plane and I see my friend Jack. Instinctively I say, """"Hi Jack!"""" Still don't understand why I was detained.
"
69676,"Sometimes people ask me why I don't wear a watch. It is because I just don't have the time.
"
207710,"Why should you never high five someone in the gallows... Because they always leave you hang'n
"
196853,"What do Limas Sweed and Bruce Jenner have in common? Neither can keep track of their balls
"
59361,"Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you're a parent: -showers -sitting down to eat -drinking coffee while it's hot -pooping
"
229976,"How do I make my penis 12 inches long? By folding it in half.
"
145774,"Knock knock. Who's there? Banana Banana who? KEVIN!
"
151997,"My girlfriend doesn't believe in abstinence. Thank God.
"
203501,"Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers in the winter time? To keep Hillary's chin warm!
"
25307,"Suicide If I'd ever want to commit suicide, I will jump off your ego to your elo.
"
155361,"The reason for the increase in salty people in our generation is... due to how popular Sea-Sections have become in the recent years.
"
211545,"Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
"
42855,"It's nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates. It'd be even nicer if they'd stop bringing them back home.
"
41831,"There aren't enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
"
102090,"I was going to invest in the Microsoft HoloLens but... ...Their projections weren't very good.
"
44658,"Q. Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was  Arrested? R. Charged With Battery!
"
8352,"If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that's gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
"
137386,"In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years
"
199954,"What is Tumblr's least favourite show? NCIS
"
75022,"What's an Impressionist's favorite condiment? Manet's.
"
66251,"My son is a real hand full. I didn't have any tissues handy.
"
29990,"Confucius say...Man who fall in sewer trough, in deep shit.
"
70964,"How does Gandalf know he's pregnant? A wizard is never late.
"
135777,"What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? (NSFW) I'll see you next month.
"
34032,"Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
"
93248,"The Mother Of All storms (Frankenstorm) is heading toward New York City... Trump better get out the hairspray.
"
122945,"How do you get over a fear of elevators? Just take some steps to avoid them!
"
201563,"Q: What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor? A: Make me one with everything.
"
166889,"Where there's a will there's an """"OMG! What's it say!? What does it say?"""".
"
71112,"Reddit is like my ideal woman with double D's
"
135947,"Hillary's mad at Satan Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me? Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?
"
109059,"Why can't Jamaicans count to 10? Because there's a *tree* in the way!
"
49461,"Why didn't the weightlifter like doing chest exercises with Coke cans? Because it was soda pressing.
"
17426,"If you get nervous during sex, just pretend like everyone watching you is naked.
"
1507,"I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
"
11906,"What do you call Batman who skips church? Christian Bail
"
41293,"Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist? Because they fought both tooth and nail!
"
14342,"If the USSR were to become a country again... ...would it be called the Soviet Reunion?
"
23616,"TIFU by taking someone else's Subway order Oops, wrong sub.
"
207443,"""""OH MY GOD IS THAT GLUTEN ON THE FLOOR!?!?!"""" Great way to clear the checkout lines at Whole Foods.
"
139749,"What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka? A sorority.
"
223662,"What do Asians do when they have erections? They vote
"
180690,"Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with  a paint-roller
"
152179,"Switzerland is a pretty sweet country... and their flag's a big plus.
"
12863,"I just got a great deal on a Flesh Light... Craigslist is the best!
"
83796,"Calm down with that charm bracelet, lady. Every time you move your hand I look around for Santa's sleigh.
"
46363,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Cause 7's a nigger.
"
5074,"I gave a blind man 10$ He told me he'll pay me back the next time he sees me.
"
113806,"Met a microbiologist this morning He was bigger than I expected.
"
23403,"Interviewer: We offer great benefits. Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
"
74035,"What is 6.9? Good sex interupted by a period
"
180380,"If guns don't kill people.... If guns don't kill people, people kill people, then toasters don't toast toast. Toast toasts toast.
"
89489,"Roger Federer asked what the large silver dish was for. """"Seconds"""", they replied.
"
165337,"what's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm Rape!
"
8026,"Why are Ethiopian's teeth so white? Because they never use them
"
30011,"What does the chicken do to get through college? She strips.
"
113338,"How do you make one girl disappear? ..just add a G and now she's gone.
"
63397,"If I were Obama, I'd totally lead with """"My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless."""" #SOTU
"
219143,"I'd like to tell you guys a chemistry joke But based on my experience so far in this sub, I'm sure I won't get any reaction
"
5718,"I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who's got access to filters
"
106256,"I'd give my wife my coat if she's cold but I'll take it back if I become cold and maybe she'll be prepared next time we go out.
"
139782,"'Weeds' is a gateway show... ...watching it can lead to binging on more serious programs like 'Breaking Bad'.
"
53763,"The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
"
14132,"Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
"
33477,"I have very bad addiction to wrapping gifts. Every time I open a present, I end up rewrapsing.
"
162231,"How many Ukrainians does it take to screw a lightbulb? You don't need to, they glow in the dark.
"
53870,"If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.
"
80894,"Professional liars Haven't done an honest days work in their life
"
52006,"My 13 year old told me this joke.... Him: I want to start a dating website for Indians.... Me: a dating website for indians? [scratching my head wtf] Him: yeah I am going to call it connect the dots.
"
32143,"Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: I just wanted to see you. [4:07 am]
"
157513,"james[jesus' brother]: i need off my bro passed away boss: gotcha man [3 days later] james: i need off my brothers in town boss: now hold on
"
109528,"What do you get when you cross a Jehova's  witness with a business man? A door to door salesman!
"
119872,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bettina ! Bettina who ? Bettina minute you'll open this door !
"
141420,"What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis and gonorrhea? An incurable romantic.
"
53758,"Nobody under the age of 23 has any recollection of life before the internet. I hope that fact makes you vomit like it did me.
"
144817,"God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.
"
10554,"I recently had an interview with Sony I didn't get the job because I was underqualified.
"
186596,"I use my neighbor's outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I'd invite him, but my cat's funny about bathing with strangers.
"
173769,"Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic  Satanist? A: He sold his soul to Santa.
"
134273,"Dogs were the first social justice warriors They hate mailmen.
"
74339,"If Satan ever lost his hair... There would be hell toupee.
"
192741,"I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
"
76145,"18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget
"
209765,"Bacon, Eggs, and Toast walk into a bar. . . The bartender yells, """"Get the hell out of here! We don't serve breakfast!""""
"
205028,"Socialist jokes aren't funny.... Unless everybody gets them.
"
48486,"My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I'm glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
"
76039,"What is the hardest part about bring a pedophile Fitting in    btw meant being not bring
"
104854,"What is a redditors worst nightmare? [removed]
"
86749,"I know I'm late to the party but why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
"
66784,"What was the stressed out toddler diagnosed with? Diapertension
"
127722,"What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit.
"
85977,"My jumper cables stopped working the other day So I called triple A to bounce up my trampoline
"
47326,"Is a lightsaber's blade hot or cold? Neither. Its warm. *picks up lightsaber *warm warm warm*
"
40717,"Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.
"
223876,"There's a brand new cemetery in town Everybody is dying to get in
"
78598,"My wife has just left me for Arnold Schwarzenegger. She'll be back.
"
143668,"Which one of the smurfs is the only one to recycle? Smurfette, as she's the only one with a blue box! Lol
"
192389,"NASA launches bovines into space It was the herd shot round the world!
"
68994,"I'm like a Rubik's Cube, the more you play with me the harder I get!
"
200264,"If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
"
173947,"One pirate says to the other, """"Ey, you want some grog?"""" And the other says, """"I made tea!""""
"
185941,"I went to the zoo this past weekend. The only animal they had was a dog... it was a shih tzu.
"
18879,"The first 1500 pictures of your kids were cute, now it's a bit much.
"
52463,"Is PETA aware that we're still struggling with the ethical treatment of humans?
"
74496,"Whats it called when batman leaves church early? Christian Bale
"
157085,"The closest I have ever come to being involved in a threesome was when having sex with a ventriloquist. I was stoned and VERY confused.
"
138357,"What is Rhiannas favorite type of cheese? mozzarella-ella-ella
"
177191,"What was Hitler's preferred breast size? Not C's. And off to hell I go.
"
132137,"Q: What's the friendliest school? A: Hi school.
"
217698,"What do you call a reptiloid that crashed landed its spaceship? Imsosaurus!
"
6048,"New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.
"
173993,"I like my women the way I like my beer Ginger
"
39042,"Why can't you feel photons? Because they are light.
"
58264,"What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot you racist bastard.
"
194627,"Helen Keller walks into a bar Then a table, then a stool...
"
215352,"What did the horse say to the one-legged jockey? How're ye gettin' on?
"
24592,"My mom saw me crying in my room and asked what's wrong. I told her I feel like I didn't exist. She told me I do exist because im a pain in the ass.
"
158176,"Why are there so many Indians working with telemarketing? Because they have the biggest cow center.
"
85153,"Governors that use foursquare probably get really angry when they become mayor of something.
"
23407,"Him: Get on my level. Me: You're a gamer? Him: .... Me: .... Him: You need to get out more. Me: *mumbles* Your face needs to get out more.
"
193704,"*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
"
63663,"King George. One day George is going to be king, thats not bad going for some one who started at Asda.
"
46709,"I'm always caught between a rock and someone I want to throw it at.
"
121861,"Best pick up line? Lets go eat. I'm paying!
"
127303,"The first time I stayed at my girlfriends' house, her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Shame, he's very attractive.
"
184972,"If Jesus invested $1 dollar when He was alive, it would have grown into $100 trillion dollars today. But that's the thing about Jesus, He didn't invest, He saved.
"
138947,"What do you call a group of kids? ..... a migraine
"
72000,"What do you call a cross between a hippo, an elephant and a rhino? Hell if I know
"
29706,"A man walks into a library and asks for a book on tides. The librarian says, """"I'm sorry sir, that's just gone out.""""
"
117406,"Who was the dankest dictator of all time? LMao Zedong
"
108110,"How do people in Iowa get elections? By watching corn!
"
77932,"I've been thinking about Oscar Pistorious's case... I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.
"
91127,"How do you know your friend is gay? When his dick tastes like shit.
"
200296,"What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!
"
63804,"FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
"
42831,"A horse walks into a bar... ...the trainer says, """"next time, jump"""".
"
38223,"*Takes your face in my hands* *Looks deep into your eyes* *Whispers """"You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you"""" *
"
184335,"Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?
"
81239,"DID YOU KNOW: If you don't eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
"
66594,"God was truly looking out for me today  I opened a bag of air and found a few Lay's potato chips inside.
"
63148,"IT Jokes 3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later, they walked out... Because they couldn't find a table.
"
46090,"So I was in Jerusalem and a man was trying to sell me a gold watch... I kept telling him I don't want it. It looks too fake, not real gold. He looked at me and says """"It's not fake, Israel.""""
"
39703,"What's the Al-Qaeda's favourite sports team? The New York Jets (   )
"
159470,"A joke the owner of the pizzeria I work at told me while listening to Beethoven. Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? Because it wouldn't stop saying """"Bach, Bach, Bach.""""
"
187000,"The officer said, """"you drinking?"""" I said, """"you buying?"""" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.
"
212916,"My sister told me I'd never be able to kill a man with my pasta... ... She soon learned that the penne's mightier than the sword!
"
226960,"Wanna hear three rapid jokes? No.
"
3522,"Until I had kids I didn't realize that """"bouncing off the walls"""" was actually a literal statement.
"
134480,"My RA just came to my room looking for fire hazards . He said everything was fine . I guess he didn't see my mixtape .
"
72499,"Yelling """"shotgun"""" when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.
"
216826,"What do you call a blind german? A not-see
"
131629,"Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
"
123193,"75 years ago my grandfather died in a concentration camp he fell off a guard tower
"
222376,"Dave walks on a Sandi beach and says Hey it's me! lol gets me every time.
"
157497,"FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia ME:what's that FRIEND:it's where you can't sleep ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?
"
35565,"What do you call a prostitute with white eyes? Full up.
"
63848,"She's like a cat. I don't mean in bed, she just ignores me
"
42246,"Sure, white people cant say they """"N"""" word but atleast we can say phrases like """" thanks for the warning, officer"""" and """"hey dad""""
"
10384,"Making Snacks by San Widge
"
5509,"Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.
"
68581,"What's Paul Walker's favorite drink? Fireball
"
42428,"Snickers wrapper: """"contains peanuts"""", I expected, but """"brief language"""" and """"partial nudity"""" was a total surprise.
"
90462,"The best curves on a girl is her smile.....Naw just kidding look at dat ass!
"
210741,"A scientist walks into a bar and seems depressed. The bartender asks """"What's the matter?"""" The scientist replies """"Everything is matter.""""
"
147230,"""""haha one time we turned a cpr training dummy into a bong"""" yes doctor but how is our son *leans in close* """"you had to light its weiner""""
"
86589,"Latvian Christmas Christmas Eve father ask son what want christmas. Son say potato. Father say """"Ok. Santa bring potato."""" Next day boy is learn Santa no exist.
"
171501,"Why are all ants British? Because they colonize.
"
198364,"What's your body type? Mine is """"giant gummy bear.""""
"
15375,"What did one John say to the other John? """"What's the matter? You look flushed!""""
"
39559,"When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute
"
163141,"What do you call an Iguana that can't stand up straight? Ereptile Dysfunction.
"
158650,"Kristen gave Sally 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Todd gave Sally 5 flowers and 3 stuffed animals. What does Sally have? Cancer.
"
19602,"I told my girlfriend she'd look better with her hair back Apparently that's not an appropriate thing to say to a chemo patient
"
178211,"Girl do you play basketball? Because I hear you can make Magic with my Johnson.
"
41944,"What do the Zika virus and Catholic priests have in common? They both give kids a little head.
"
229124,"If my love life was a movie it would be Demolition Man... ...starring Sylvester Still-alone.
"
212421,"How can you tell when a woman has an orgasm? Who cares?
"
20403,"Tried to type hustlin', iPhone corrected to hustling'. I don't need to see the casing to know that I've got the white iPhone.
"
96748,"Does anybody know how can I send an enemy request on Facebook?
"
3059,"I had a difficult childhood... I was brought up by a couple of alcoholics. I called them my Foster's parents.
"
151867,"Golf is like life... the main goal of both is to get the balls in the hole.
"
7196,"I told my chef wife that if she were to leave me... please leave me one of your incredible cupcakes. She replied...""""I won't dessert you.""""
"
100587,"My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't stop talking about Star Wars. I said """"Please don't leave me, Yoda one for me."""" In other news, I'm single.
"
5373,"[traffic stop] COP: where ya headed? ME: on my way home COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat* ME: look at me when I'm speaking to you
"
189440,"Did you hear about the kiln operator who sucked at his job? He got fired.
"
103809,"I tried to catch fog the other day I mist
"
224599,"So I bought some shoes off my drug dealer. And I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
"
225260,"I feel bad for airport security workers. I'm going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.
"
229834,"Date: I like old-fashioned guys Me: *dies of polio*
"
83361,"There's been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.
"
6606,"What was Sisyphus's favourite type of music? Rock 'n' Roll
"
130995,"Who is the scientist's favorite zombie? The schrodinger cat.
"
167327,"Scientists recently discovered a new dinosaur that was very intelligent They named it Thesaurus
"
132395,"Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?
"
199805,"ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle. WIFE: I'm only gone for two days. ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet
"
135496,"[home] FRIEND: How'd family dinner go? ME: Huge mess to clean. F: It's spotless! M: *sprays luminol* You'd never know they were even here.
"
149633,"when I die I want you to save my skull and use me as a paperweight (and kiss me when no one is looking)
"
154215,"How do you measure a Villanova graduate's I.Q.? With a tire gauge.
"
116498,"How many handicapped guys does it take to change a light bulb? Just one if it's Professor X.
"
177177,"Hey girl, are you a tube of Pringles? Because my whole fist is stuck inside of you
"
73150,"I buried my head in my girlfriend's breasts tonight when we had a deep, intellectual conversation I just had to rack my brain to figure it out.
"
54538,"5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl's.
"
188345,"The melons Why did the melons get married in a church? Because they cant-elope.
"
136309,"The bartender asks him what he'd like to drink. A time traveler walks into a bar.
"
221968,"I knew a guy obsessed with baking pastries. He was a real dough-nut.
"
25116,"Do you know what 80 year old vagina tastes like? Depends
"
28288,"As told to me by my 5y/o nephew at the dinner table... Why did the elephant cross the road? &amp;nbsp; Because he farted!
"
134357,"A shrinking man walks into a doctors office. The receptionist says, """"you'll have to be a little patient"""".
"
185838,"There are always two ways to look at things. I prefer to look at them my way.
"
193934,"What is 6.9? A really great thing ruined by a period.
"
154346,"Wanna Know SomeThing Funny? My Amount Of Karma.
"
4328,"I am so dwarf that... I am so dwarf that people don't take me seriously enough to win any competition other than stand up comedy!
"
118338,"Where was Bill Clinton during his presidency? He was right between the Bushes.
"
143445,"Why did the Germans loose WWII? They kept Stalin around.
"
173577,"By and large, most of my girlfriends have been fat lesbians.
"
140829,"Why are some people so afraid of second dipping when they probably put their mouths on someone's genital before?
"
203163,"Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
"
110766,"When an Eel bites your heel, and pain is all you feel... Thats a """"Moray""""
"
150564,"I loathe tweets like """"Be somebody's beautiful tragedy"""". Might as well tweet using a random word generator. """"Be golf brisket honkytonk""""
"
163062,"What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a millionaire? A bunny with money.
"
230286,"Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
"
21887,"Touch me, taste me, bite me, blow me, suck me, fcuk me, nice and slowly...but if you kiss me don't be hasty...use your tongue and make it tasty !! 
"
184662,"I don't mind being back on my meds... I just think it's sad that at the same time all the dogs in the neighbourhood stopped talking to me.
"
99299,"Why did Hitler always win foot races? He was the fascist one.
"
78507,"Me: did you get into my weed again? Wife *dipping a pop tart in ranch dressing* what?
"
103765,"What do Hutts use to program computers? JabbaScript
"
71994,"how do you piss of a frenchman? ask him what part of canada he's from
"
133250,"Who made Lewis and Clark's footwear? Sock-a-gawea.
"
91941,"why do i wish my lawn was an emo ? SO it would cut itself
"
195785,"Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay fifty bucks for a lentil on my chest.
"
77488,"They're giving Caitlyn Jenner ANOTHER TV show Apparently, they have her competing in the Olympics again. It's going to be called """"Drag Races"""".
"
28726,"Some people should put professional victim on their resume
"
74519,"friend: Try this me[takes drink] It's wine friend: Did you detect a hint of anything? me:Alcohol friend: But what did it taste like? me:Wine
"
79923,"Everybody always asks my why I like chess so much... yeah
"
57734,"An old lady's beloved pair of pet rabbits died So she took them to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked her """"would you like them mounted?"""" """"No"""" she replied, """"just holding hands.""""
"
156442,"(original) I just got my flu shot and tried to draw something, but it still looks shitty. I thought it was supposed to make me artistic?
"
19032,"If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, """"this'll do""""
"
4917,"A photon checks into a hotel... A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. """"No thanks, I'm traveling light.""""
"
160561,"Thinking of cryogenically freezing myself until they can find a cure for unemployment.
"
66290,"Why did Michael Brown rob the convenience store? He was so hungry he could eat a bullet.
"
32580,"I feel like I've eaten three countries! ...namely Turkey, Chile and Greece.
"
71670,"f u cn red ths yu meb b dislxic rely
"
140985,"I got sick from a fist bump it's the first confirmed case of ebrola
"
15084,"50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You're Not Getting Laid
"
222001,"How do Australians breathe? They exhale
"
211719,"If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
"
23701,"My problem with McDonalds is I can't go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can't fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
"
81128,"Why are parents boring? Because they're groan-ups.
"
146915,"I left my chamomile tea steeping for too long and it turned into the new Coldplay album.
"
139854,"I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a booby-trap.
"
15695,"Did you hear Vaseline is coming out with new labels for its petroleum jelly? They're going to have a picture of missing gerbils on it.
"
26382,"What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.
"
100887,"First Guy: """"How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition today?"""" ... ... ..... Second Guy: """"I don't know, it was countless.""""
"
137703,"When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject... These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
"
109778,"Don't commit suicide, that's how people get killed.
"
98534,"How was I supposed know she was ugly? She had big titties.
"
123710,"Error 404 It's been a while since I've seen a good 404 joke. I was going to upload one but I couldn't find any.
"
215521,"How do you know if a wizards gay? It disappears with a poof.
"
105734,"What do mechanical keyboards want for dinner? Chicken ticka ticka ticka masala
"
127283,"I lose a lot of arguments just so I can go back to my nap.
"
138079,"Been doing a lot of gay clubbing recently The baby seals put up less of a fight though...
"
206015,"Ten times I've watched that episode of Friends where Rachel has the baby, just so I'll be emotionally ready when my wife delivers tomorrow.
"
198752,"I only drink on special occasions... Luckily for me, I just broke my record for consecutive days alive today
"
176182,"im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
"
41633,"The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling """"woo hoo"""", but after that my schedule is wide open
"
164661,"Whats brown and sticky? My poster of rihanna.
"
157388,"You know how to scare a bunch of bees? BOOBIES!!!
"
196503,"Why didn't the ghost have any children? Because he had a Halloweenie!
"
57260,"What did the spaceman see in his frying pan? An unidentified frying object.
"
194657,"I'd tell you the joke about the paper But it's tearable.
"
151948,"4 y/o: What's your job? Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food... 4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
"
220034,"Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, you will pay. You have my Word.
"
81036,"Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
"
110164,"Knock knock. The game.
"
165204,"If I work security at the Samsung store, does that make me a Guardian of the Galaxy?
"
210257,"""""Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead"""" she hexed.
"
224624,"What does Metallica's St. Anger and Star Wars VIII have in common? No solo.
"
181989,"How does a penguin keep itself hydrated? His waddle bottle.
"
215427,"[pitching movie] """"It's Titanic..."""" Go on """"from the iceberg's perspective"""" holy shit
"
193781,"I once won an argument with a woman...in this dream I had.
"
179247,"Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. Then a man comes up and exposes himself to them. Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach
"
18163,"whats a vampires teabag? tampons (used of course)
"
120484,"What is Gollum's favourite bird? A Smeagull! :D
"
45865,"What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' catholic.
"
173207,"2016 has been the year for unforeseen outcomes Something tells me 20/20 will be the year of hindsight.
"
57295,"Ladies: we're not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.
"
54749,"""""You gotta keep 'em separated!"""" -the dude from the Offspring whenever he's doing laundry.
"
132184,"""""I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled """"Ninja School"""", followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School""""
"
151179,"I decided to have that fifth cup of coffee, and now the ghosts of my ancestors are scrolling through my iTunes trying to pick a summer jam.
"
215071,"TIL 78% of statistics are made up on the spot
"
204464,"Q: What what can you make from baked beans and onions? A: Tear gas.
"
71330,"What happened when the cheese factory exploded? Debrie everywhere.
"
215898,"What's the best part about gay sex? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through
"
105972,"There's only one problem with your face, I can see it.
"
104693,"What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? Ones fun to smash with a sledge hammer the others just a fucking watermelon.
"
79359,"My nose won't stop running. But, to be fair, it's the only part of my body that's still in shape.
"
80727,"Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la
"
82006,"I consider you a female sheep Gotta say it aloud. *ewe
"
35196,"If you've seen me impatiently standing in line, then you've seen me dancing at a concert.
"
190132,"A guy goes the video store... - Excuse me, could I rent Batman Forever? - Sorry but you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. :(
"
85286,"Calling someone """"stupid"""" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it's just a diagnosis.
"
142524,"I saw a black man walking down the street with a TV. """"That looks a lot like mine..."""" I thought... Then I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes.
"
85314,"What do you call a piece of toast on the ceiling? An Ethiopian rave.
"
229870,"The Lord said to John, """"Come forth and receive Eternal Life""""... But John came fifth and won a toaster.
"
29701,"where does a queer download his illegal software from? pirategay
"
169413,"Education is a team effort There's no 'i' in 'illiteracy'!
"
128496,"So I was eating out this girl one time... And then I tasted horse cum, and said ''Grandma that's how you died''
"
1813,"Why was the snowman smiling? He saw the snowblower coming
"
69943,"Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.
"
131706,"I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
"
111650,"What does a chemist say when he needs someone to pass the salt? """"Please pass the salt.""""
"
34396,"I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.
"
78244,"Where's the best place to hide a body in texas? Oops. Wrong subreddit!
"
167925,"Alzheimer's joke Knock knock Who's there? To get to the other side!
"
213603,"SSBM players: what's it called when Fox McCloud and Falco Lombardi shoot up a school? Columshine
"
157465,"Cop: Maybe it's your driving. Maybe you're drunk. Me: Maybe it's Maybelline.
"
55717,"Do you know why every new bride smiles? Because she just gave her last blow job.
"
186353,"I pulled my cow's udder, but nothing came out. He's a milk dud.
"
39992,"What does a news anchor say during sex? this just in
"
218692,"Jesus christ, guys! Can we stop arguing about politics for ONE second and change subject to something more lighthearted? So what are your guys' thoughts on abortion?
"
140453,"How many gay dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A whole buttload of them.
"
39299,"why did the little shoe cry? Because his mommy was a sneaker and his daddy was a loafer with only a penny to his name!
"
107612,"A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, """"no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis""""
"
222072,"Goat joke(my 1st please go easy on me) Q: What do call a gay goat. A: A Fagoat
"
19744,"I like my women like i like my coffee Ground up in the freezer
"
155447,"What do you call a cat with 3 legs? A handicat
"
170452,"Opposites If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
"
230415,"Two cannibals are sitting around eating dinner. One begins to complain to the other, """"You know, I really don't like my mother in law."""" """"Then just eat the noodles.""""
"
87197,"You couldn't even imagine how good I am at taking a fake phone call to get out of a boring conversation. It's Oscar worthy.
"
28465,"Ferguson PD plans on removing all German Shepard k-9 units Turns out Germans aren't the problem. They're going to replace them with coon dogs
"
120865,"Who is the smartest rapper? Ice^3
"
140329,"[Home invasion] Me: isn't there anything ELSE you want to take? Burglar: lady I told you I'm married
"
46720,"If you're anxious and you know it...Clasp your hands.
"
103353,"I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them.
"
34664,"Why did.. Q : Why did Manchester United go to Stamford Bridge? A : Four Nothing
"
102791,"the only exercise this month ive done is running out of money
"
194860,"this guys with premature ejaculation problems Just comes out of nowhere
"
125072,"What's a European immigrant's favorite high school sport? Cross country
"
83458,"Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
"
223970,"My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
"
222713,"Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
"
207255,"I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I often wonder what she's up to now.
"
89838,"Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
"
257,"An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfit fanatic walk into a bar... Who talks more?
"
210293,"Why did Hillary go to the OB/GYN? She was feelin' the Bern!
"
1850,"Where does the pervert keep the underwear he steals? In his briefcase!
"
169136,"How can you tell which Burger Land baseball pitchers are left-handed? They're the one's wearing the left-handed 'meats'!
"
16409,"Why do Computer Scientists always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25!
"
28649,"Lionel Richie: I'm easy like Sunday morning Sunday morning: wow I'm right here
"
145132,"What did the shy pebble wish for? Only that he could be a little boulder!
"
80325,"There's no police in Canda... If your car is faster than a moose
"
216365,"Why don't Buddhists have Instagram? They don't believe in the concept of a selfie.
"
124186,"What's six inches long, has two nuts, and gives women big bellies? Almond Joy.
"
55644,"What do giants and strippers have in common? They both grind on bones to make their bread.
"
174080,"Did you hear that the Jim Henson company is making a show about meth-cooking? They're calling it Borking Bad.
"
164930,"A priest, rapist, and pedophile walk into a bar He orders a drink.
"
55358,"Just got out of heart surgery with a surgeon who had tremors. I'm quite shaken up about it. Sorry if this is a repost.
"
170517,"How do vegetarians give blowjobs? They stick to just eating the head cheese
"
121776,"An unemployed engineer opens a clinic... He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.
"
230593,"Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase... ...so I could unzip your genes.
"
85642,"A man walked into a bar He is an alcoholic and he is ruining his family. (Any anti joke lovers out there?)
"
90208,"Jumper cables walked into a bar Bartender said I'll serve you but you better not start anything!
"
227288,"What's a black mailman called? A blackmailer. I'll show myself out :(.
"
168454,"What does the Dalai Lama order from the pizza shop? One with everything
"
212727,"Where do internet pirates get their loot? From pier to pier.
"
6628,"What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and.... ....I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.
"
90716,"Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
"
48100,"I was surprised that my Christian clothing company is extremely popular with transvestites. As it turns out, they love Cross Dressing.
"
123402,"I tried S/M once, and ended up with a dominatrix who was unusually cruel. Instead of using a whip she would make me do fractions in my head.
"
106724,"[Meta] Anyone else hate jokes that are too long? They usually have too many characters.
"
7417,"George invited all his friends for a no-masturbation get-together They came within the hour.
"
97435,"You know the Yahoo hack is not that bad... at least someone knows my password to my Yahoo account.
"
33113,"I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
"
149798,"What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Trump's tie
"
36646,"I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
"
230635,"The Dark Knight Rises.....a porn title that requires no alterations.
"
227239,"What do snakes take for their sniffles? Antihissssstamines!
"
221397,"Knock knock. Who's there? A cow. A cow who? Not a cow """"who""""! A cow moos. An owl says """"who"""".
"
103637,"A man is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy: """"Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared."""" Man: """"How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.""""
"
88834,"I like my women like I like my Poke Stops. Ready to go again in 5 minutes.
"
144269,"What do you call a middle eastern sorceress? A sandwitch
"
60453,"What's the difference between Paris Hilton and a farmer? A farmer shucks between fits.
"
51466,"How do trees get online? They just log in...
"
56571,"Us New Yorkers try to stick to the four main food groups; pizza, pizza bagels, pizza pies, and cheesecake.
"
59912,"I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
"
6241,"I like my slave like I like my frees Coffee.
"
115959,"Why do I call my van the Pussy Destroyer? Because cats explode when I run over them
"
19391,"What do you call an angry witch? Ribbit.
"
162488,"You know football is a big sport... ...now that you can buy hair gel that gives you the """"Messi look"""".
"
42819,"What do you call a fake psychic who was found out and now shoots up in ditches? A high medium low
"
96412,"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, """"K"""" so it must be pretty bad.
"
95316,"What'd the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing they just waved.... I'll show my self out
"
179535,"What is Captain Picard's favorite Chinese takeout ? Make it Tso!
"
8081,"Did you see that? That's the third time she came over here. I think she likes me. """"This is Applebee's and she is our waitress""""
"
133334,"Did you know that your body is made 70% of water? And now I'm thirsty.
"
25233,"What is Brown and Runny? ...Usain Bolt
"
5664,"A blind man walks into a bar, and a chair, a table, and a human.
"
183150,"Why were you late ? Sorry teacher I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !
"
32907,"Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese shop in France? The area was covered in De Brie...
"
10431,"You hear the one about the transgender student? He spent his Junior year a broad.
"
119724,"As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don't like people.
"
60685,"Did you hear about the Aggie that moved to Oklahoma? Raised the I.Q. of both states.
"
37580,"A 25 year old just told me she's gonna rock my world. I'm 47 so I assume she's gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice
"
214043,"The NFL these days Hide yo kids, hide yo wife
"
119848,"I asked Christian Bale how many ex's he had... ...he started counting, and then he fell asleep! (works with any welsh person's name)
"
91424,"I don't trust stairs... They look like they're up to something.
"
77615,"If you could pick any superhero name and power, what would they be? My name would be """"Dad"""" and my power would be *invisibility*...
"
195563,"Knock Knock... Who's there? I, diddup I, diddup who? You filthy bastard
"
106207,"[Auto-shop class] """"Cody, for the last time, it's still a carburetor even when it's in a van"""" *raises hand* """"Or a truck"""" *lowers hand*
"
142068,"You can't spell """"Schwarzenegger"""" without """"google.""""
"
149264,"What did the cat cough up when it was sick? Meowcus
"
6984,"Today is Stevie Nicks' birthday. She is 67 years old. I wonder what that is in goat years?
"
144855,"well, son, we named you after where you were conceived; that's why you're called The Frightening, Tyrannical Hellscape of Obama's America
"
120251,"1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge. 2016: *watching cat videos*
"
169479,"You know, there's one thing I have yet to witness in life. A crippled stand-up comedian.
"
59815,"Two peanuts were walking through the bush... One was assaulted.
"
204669,"I didn't think that pigs could fly... But then I found out that Donald Trump had a private jet.
"
157199,"They changed something in the matrix... and now all the eigenvalues are wrong.
"
158774,"I have a useless talent.
"
54135,"Why do men give their penises names? Because they don't want a total stranger making 90% of their decisions.
"
109243,"No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
"
148481,"If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
"
194620,"why do queens play poker in the bathroom? so they'll always get a royal flush
"
6574,"My girlfriend hate when i call her fat And now she want us to break up so i said : What about the baby.
"
150885,"A new and better nail clipper was invented today What a cutting-edge technology it is
"
61965,"Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty to the charge of premeditated murder Frankly I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.
"
205786,"My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently """"heating your dinner"""" wasn't a good answer.
"
107414,"How many mods does it take to switch a light bulb? [deleted]
"
148323,"[OC] What did the blind plumber say? I cant see shit.
"
78697,"The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You're failing now. You're not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
"
142157,"It's surprising how little people change Actually the process isn't that different, other than the tiny clothes
"
88055,"On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment.
"
33345,"Did you know we only use 10% of our brains? """"Actually that's a myth-"""" This part is useless *stabs fork in head* See? Now florble arble guh
"
156417,"What does Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse have in common? They both used to be on top gear.
"
12807,"You're so beautiful Sometimes I have to photoshop you to make you look less attractive! - Zach Anner
"
112717,"What do you call an unemployed Nazi? Laid-off Hitler!
"
47057,"I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair so I won't feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head
"
209736,"Why little girls can't fart Do you know why little girls can't fart? Because they don't get a**holes until they get married.
"
65930,"Q: What mythological monster casts no reflection? A: All of them.
"
84819,"A Chinese man goes to the eye doctor complaining of poor eyesight in his left eye. The doctor says """"I see you have a cataract"""". The Chinese man says, """"No I don't...I have a rincoln continental.""""
"
226386,"How many monastic women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None... they live an ascetic lifestyle and prefer to not use electricity.
"
99118,"You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons. How ionic.
"
178137,"Why did the man bring his bed with him to the hospital? It's because he heard hospital beds have a high mortality rate.
"
15222,"Hey, do you like analogies? I got plenty! I got analogy to rabbits, analogy to grass, analogy to mold...
"
190353,"You know that pestering someone because the don't watch the same TV shows as you isn't a personality, right?
"
86891,"Knock Knock *Who's there *The Kgb *The kgb who? *(Slaps person) we will ask the questions.
"
68385,"Why did Simba's father die? He couldn't Move Fasa
"
124722,"Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
"
211922,"What is the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the Battered Women's Shelter? The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
"
105083,"Don't ask me for directions I got lost on an elevator once.
"
75358,"My friend Jay is going to name his newborn son """"K"""" When I asked him why, he said he wanted to name him after himself.
"
117701,"What do you get if you cross a dog with a sniper rifle and a car? A *range rover*!
"
179510,"Why do heavy drinkers usually live longer than light drinkers? Because you thought this was going to be a fat joke, that's why
"
177633,"I don't think peeing on a goose is the right answer.. But on the other hand.. I'm not sure it's the WRONG answer. -Drunk me at a zoo
"
65435,"[NSFW] How can you tell if your girlfriend is too young? You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth!
"
164242,"A horse walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a coke. The bartender says """"Is Pepsi ok?"""" The horse replies """"Neigh.""""
"
65799,"Sweat pants & Uggs in public says """"and I didn't brush my teeth, either.""""
"
38340,"Me: Read this tweet. Wife: Sure. Me: Is it racist? Wife: No. Me: Sexist? Wife: No. Me: Is it offensive at all? Wife: No. Me: *deletes tweet*
"
180668,"I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend's bedroom. I can't believe she's a super hero.
"
6068,"[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life's funeral] Damn her niece is hot
"
137484,"A guy is at Chick-Fil-A When all of a sudden Tinker Bell shows up. He goes to a worker and says, """"Wow, you guys have fairies in here?"""" The worker then says, """"No, our CEO doesn't like it.""""
"
6145,"If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
"
70499,"I'd tell a 9/11 joke... But the only two I know always fall flat.
"
1202,"A mother called the police on her 6 month old baby for not taking a nap. He was resisting a rest.
"
120856,"'Why are you crying Ted ?' asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'
"
152647,"What does an Engineer use for contraception? His personality!
"
86382,"How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? Because it is not called a teethbrush.
"
209848,"Was chopping herbs and got some in my eye now im parsley sighted
"
68117,"What do you get when you cross a whistle with a blizzard? Edward Snowed-in
"
159634,"I'm not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
"
163563,"Why is cellphone reception so good in Wisconsin Even the smallest towns have at least 4 bars
"
139998,"I hope fashion in the future isn't all like, weird metal bird outfits. Cuz a bunch of mine just got stolen.
"
168191,"What's a Russian's favorite food? Vladimir Poutine
"
126654,"Two bars of chocolate are falling down the stairs... ...the first one says:""""Shit I think I broke my ribs"""". To which the second one replies:""""So what, I fucking hit my nuts!"""".
"
42534,"What's the worlds strongest animal? A 'buff'alo
"
228445,"What if weight loss supplements ads are just made by British people really transparently trying to scam you? You'll lost 30 for only $42.82! Guaranteed.
"
207005,"Why couldn't Biggy or Tupac ever get decent internet on their phones? They were just 2G's
"
21839,"If babies knew how shitty life gets they wouldn't be giggling so much. Ignorant little bastards.
"
99386,"my dogs in jail.. for watching kitty porn
"
219070,"What does your momma and a hockey player have in common? They both change their pads after three periods.
"
151351,"Nowadays, French fries are made from potatoes. What did they used to be made from before the 1960s? Potatoes
"
143463,"Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient...
"
32699,"I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was """"be right out,I'm taking a shit""""
"
118359,"I don't see why everybody wants a white iPhone... Everyone knows the black ones run faster!
"
39366,"Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit's dick.
"
94793,"What can you hear but never see? Everything if you're Stevie Wonder
"
54392,"Movie Idea: Lohan. Bynes. Statham. DEATH RACE 2
"
133434,"They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift your beer belly is it.
"
53812,"If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they'd sell drugs and alcohol.
"
32448,"I fucked an Asian in an elevator. It was Wong on so many levels.
"
103671,"Did you hear about the Mexican killer that owned trains? He had loco-motives
"
179394,"BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that """"it's not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That's just creepy.""""
"
146482,"A good lawyer, Santa Claus, and an honest politician enter an elevator. They see a five dollar bill on the ground. Who picks it up? Santa. The other two don't exist.
"
2540,"What do you call... ...a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob
"
212625,"so i was on youtube... and people started making jokes here's the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&amp;v=V7-XLL3nbYU&amp;feature=fvwp great song too
"
84060,"A blonde and a brunette are in a room... The blonde ask: """"What does idk stand for?"""" Brunette: """"I don't know."""" Blonde: """"OMG, no one does!""""
"
38285,"My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I'm peeing in the toilet every night.
"
82970,"How do you tell a joke about ISIS? It's all about the execution
"
142518,"the fact that im 29 and buttholes and poop are still really funny to me says more about the staying power of buttholes than it does about me
"
70974,"ant-man: im here to stop u bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid] ant-man: motherf
"
73339,"I think the Oscars would be a lot more interesting if they had a """"Best Nip Slip"""" category... or """"Best Back Burger.""""
"
139836,"The pilot asks over the PA system whether there's a doctor on board From the back a guy shouts """"I'm a vegan!""""
"
76618,"A guy goes to a record store to pick up a Meshuggah CD... but he can't because it's too heavy.
"
65568,"Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you're the valet. 3. Say yes.
"
191645,"Who is faster... Speedy Gonzales or Road Runner? It depends on how close they are to the Mexico-United States border.
"
154254,"Ugh, I am swamped at work today. *stares at puppies on the Internet for 3 hours
"
44560,"Do you guys like presents? Here I am!
"
105570,"<-- Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
"
65784,"I got 99 problems but I'm avoiding them all.
"
193833,"An old woman ask her husband of 65 years... what would you do if I stated smoking? He quickly replies """"Slow down and use more lube.""""
"
150148,"There are 10 kinds of people in the world.... ...those who understand Binary, and those who don't.
"
179014,"At this point making fun of Lindsay Lohan feels like laughing at the underprivileged Little League team who has to play in blue jeans.
"
167127,"Immigration jokes are funny But some just cross the line...
"
143542,"My family and I went to visit this new zoo that opened up recently but they only had a single canine there It was a shih tzu
"
126640,"""""Daddy, where do babies come from?"""" Show him Edna.. [mum stops slicing carrots] *starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
"
159448,"I used to be schizophrenic. But we are ok now.
"
86813,"Why do Americans hate knock knock jokes? Because Freedom Rings.
"
120596,"*posts Social Security number on social media* *hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
"
222792,"if a wheelchair athlete used WD40, would it be considered a performance enhancing substance
"
118252,"What is the slowest racehorse in the world ?  A clotheshorse !
"
77131,"Why don't seagulls fly over bays? because then they'd be called bagels!
"
156001,"Why doesn't Batman like going to Robin's house? They don't like rich people in Robin's hood
"
67696,"I'm starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
"
206391,"If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.
"
140162,"Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
"
212078,"What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck
"
118311,"So if you never eat meat or dairy you must never throw up, because what happens in Vegans--ow stop hitting me.
"
23312,"How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.
"
190580,"______________________ I'm drawing a blank here.
"
157410,"I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
"
192450,"Why won't Monica Lewinsky vote for Hillary as president? The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
"
39537,"Bill Gates walks into a Apple Store.... and as he is looking at the ipad he farts. He takes a whiff and says to an employee, you need to buy some windows.
"
6012,"Someone came to my door today asking for donations to the local swimming pool So I gave them a glass of water
"
210290,"If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?
"
63706,"Did you hear about the fish addicted to worms? He got hooked.
"
176284,"Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough. She keeps asking what I'm doing
"
70009,"You can never trust the cat family..... The head of the family is always a lion, and his cousin is a cheetah. (Lying and cheater, for those whom need this explained).
"
89783,"If you have never turned away from you children and uttered the words """"What a complete Idiot"""" Bravo,you sir/mam are the Jesus of parenting.
"
12602,"There's a party in my pants and everyone's invited but nobody ever shows up. I wish my pants would stop throwing parties. It's humiliating.
"
45466,"Oh, jokes from 7 year-olds are cool now? From my son last night: """"Why do sea gulls fly over the sea?"""" Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bay gulls (""""like bagels, get it Dad?"""").
"
24423,"What do you call a mad lunch? Hater-tots
"
226607,"What do you call a frog that's parked illegally? Toad.
"
218867,"Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It's like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
"
5260,"What did the Texas sheriff say about the black guy who was shot 15 times? """"Worse case of suicide I ever saw.""""
"
44716,"When you think about it, Mariah Carey and Drew Carey don't even look like sister and brother.
"
83741,"Q: what is the scariest religion? A: boo-dism. Im kidding its all of them haha
"
215545,"[waiting for elevator] Coworker: Hey, how's it go- Me: I'll take the stairs.
"
171210,"A man walks into a bar... And says """"ouch"""".
"
178083,"Millennials make the best spys... They've got nothing to lose.
"
25369,"My ass is a woman tonight It won't shut the fuck up.
"
216297,"Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
"
202391,"This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don't count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
"
10757,"My future's so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
"
131646,"Curveball What is black, bitter and dont work worth a damn? . . . . Decaf coffee.
"
39288,"How does Donald Trump rile up his constituency at a rally? """"Wall Mart workers of the world, unite!!""""
"
172173,"I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
"
28542,"What do they call the Hulk when he has an erection? Bruce Boner.
"
184678,"Let them know how much you care. This holiday season, say it with a mass text.
"
133177,"What Google Drive app is reserved for Jews? Google Gasroom
"
196068,"I can't believe I shaved my toes for this
"
199739,"My friend had party the other night and didn't invite me, only midgets. He said it was just a little get together.
"
129692,"Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name.
"
189239,"What is the difference between a young man and an old man? The young man shampoos his head and soaps his ass, the old man soaps his head and shampoos his ass.
"
103018,"I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick? Her: Of course... *walks out 26 minutes later* Thanks.
"
154285,"Did you hear the news about half-life 3 Me neither
"
9955,"If you are going to use a boat to escape make sure its in water not in water town!
"
55538,"How is a teacher like a hooker? They're both pretending that they're enjoying it.
"
181320,"I'm not a fan of stupid conspiracy theories, but I'm fully aware that Governments slow down time on weekdays & speed it up on weekends.
"
13881,"Have you heard the latest trend... Have you heard the latest trend that's blowin' up the Internet? It's cyber-terrorism.
"
10937,"Why are black people so tall? Because their knee-grows
"
47701,"*turns on the news* I wonder if things are getting better in the wor-- tv: AN ALLIGATOR ATE A BABY
"
56314,"She told me to give her 9 inches, and make it hurt. So i fucked her 3 times, and punched her in the nose
"
212363,"At the rate this year's going so far... I'm probably not going to get that puppy for Christmas.
"
166233,"Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.
"
187829,"Why did all the potato chips but one jump off the cliff? He was a Wise Potato Chip.
"
41313,"Being a parent means enthusiastically clapping for a lot of mediocre stuff. It's like being a Coldplay fan.
"
76425,"I went to a really emotional wedding the other day Even the cake was in tiers.
"
176003,"I don't always eat breakfast... But when I do, I prefer """"dos eggies.""""
"
52752,"How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three: a left ear, a right ear and a front-ear
"
228009,"Two monitors are at a new years party... One says """"So, what's your new years resolution?"""" The other replies """"1080p"""".
"
145527,"A horse walks in a bar Bartender: why the long face? Horse: I just found out I have cancer.
"
110502,"Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9? Because 7 8 9.
"
161855,"[OFFENSIVE] How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw... (Heard this one the other day from a friend, and thought I might share it here. :P)
"
6148,"I got invited to a block party recently. I show up, blocks EVERYWHERE.
"
56840,"Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that's just wine.
"
87415,"What do you do if an epileptic falls in your swimming pool? Throw in your laundry.
"
192692,"One tub of crisco. One body pillow. One box of condoms. One cashier. One wink. One awkward moment.
"
63893,"""""Tim's coming tonight"""" """"Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?"""" [in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
"
223961,"So, how do you make your truck look like Lance Armstrong? hang one tennis ball from the tailgate!!
"
175573,"What do you call a berry with a sore throat? A raspberry!
"
44418,"How do priests make holy water? They bless the hell out of it.
"
204476,"She died doing what she loved: driving while taking a photo of a license plate that had 69 in it
"
88997,"ISIS I Saw I Shot. Then Iran. Cuz I'm a cowardly bitch.
"
23919,"My doctor told me I suffer from Anorexia... ... like it's not enough that I'm fat.
"
169432,"GF: I'm sick of communicating via walkie talkies. I think we should breakup ME: we should breakup what? OVER GF: its over ME: its what? OVER
"
70409,"Why does Saturday stink? Because it has a turd in it.
"
94588,"I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will never describe me as """"quiet""""
"
1579,"What word becomes shorter when you add two letters? Short.
"
126273,"ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he's dating someone half his age? HUB: Yep. He's livin the dream ME: HUB: His dream not mine
"
220105,"Patient asks his doctor... A patient asks his doctor, """"If I gave up women, wine, and song, would I live longer?"""" The doctor replies, """"No, but it will feel longer.""""
"
212284,"Yo momma's so fat... She was crowned dairy Queen of the food court.
"
225225,"My parents say I'm too materialistic... Sent this from my new iPhone 6s Plus by the way.
"
118599,"How does a pirate tip his hat? """"M'Hearty""""
"
104304,"What is the longest sentence in the English language? """"I do.""""
"
117000,"I went to a party dressed as a loaf of bread. The birds were all over me.
"
71546,"At the gynecologist Young woman:Doctor,last few days I can not feel the IUD string.What I am going to do now? Doctor:Well, now you can have sex with no strings attached!
"
8982,"Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne? Superman: Um obviously. Batman: Think about that for a second.
"
119468,"What type of shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans
"
121621,"Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word
"
227816,"Knock knock... Who's there?... Tank... Tank who?... You're welcome
"
70935,"What do you call a movie about artificial orange juice? Pulp Fiction
"
151057,"Judging by the way some women wear makeup it's rather obvious they didn't excel at coloring as a kid.
"
87819,"If I'm a baker, you're the dough.. I knead you.
"
696,"Why were there only 49 contestants in the National Ebonics Beauty Pageant? Nobody wanted to wear the sash that says """"Idaho"""".
"
155305,"What 2 books do white American boys enjoy reading on their way to school? The Catcher in the Rye and Cooking For Dummies.
"
9876,"I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week... He never called me back.
"
220050,"What kind of music do balloons hate the most? Pop music.
"
92578,"How does a watch maker tell you he likes you? With a romantic tock.
"
12814,"Diet day 1 I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious.
"
37659,"The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that's just about to happen anyway.
"
32711,"How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
"
220620,"What's black and eats banana's? Apparently half of London
"
216358,"What building has the most stories to tell? The library.
"
101554,"Last night, I had a dream that I was walking on a white sandy beach... At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning...
"
105001,"Who is the greatest Jewish cook? Hitler.
"
202616,"Whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dre
"
4259,"A sexist, a racist and a homophobe walk into a bar Bartender: 'What will it be, Mr Trump?'
"
231336,"How is medusa like weed? She makes people stoned.
"
229142,"What's the difference between a telemarketer and a man with a multiphobic personality? One gets lots of annoyed hangups, the other has a lot of annoying hangups.
"
196672,"After two months, I finally finished reading a book on herbs &amp; spices It's about thyme. Bet you didn't see that one cumin.
"
112240,"April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring? Pilgrims
"
62227,"Why are men better swimmers than women they are part sperm
"
95303,"If """"kiss me"""" doesn't work, """"I'm Irish"""" isn't gonna get you any closer.
"
100481,"How about instead of shaking hands we nod at each other and that way we both won't have to wash our hands?
"
184203,"My favorite religion is that one that doesn't try to force their beliefs on you. What's that one called again?
"
161018,"How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buck an ear
"
72690,"What's the difference between a policeman's baton and a magician's wand? One is used for cunning stunts and the other is used for stunning cunts.
"
67018,"It's so cute how fish just can't contain their excitement when you cuddle them.
"
221803,"Why didn't the girl like anal? Because she was always butthurt over it.
"
108943,"Dad, can I have another cup of water? Dad: But its your 12th cup tonight! Son: I know, the baby's room is still on fire.
"
89606,"I'm not Fred Flintstone... But I can make your bedrock.
"
172003,"Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Richard Clock, the man accused of viciously knife-raping his wife.
"
48647,"Puberty doesn't hit us Asians Our parents do.
"
116908,"Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead. So every day, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic.
"
37609,"What's in the toilet of the Star Ship enterprise? The captains log
"
185067,"What's the difference between a Priest and Acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
"
149948,"How does Kylo Ren talk on the phone in his helmet? He uses a hans free device
"
105333,"She said she needed her space and time.. Why didn't she ask for her velocity then?!
"
144534,"Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.
"
92673,"What's the difference between a cock and a sausage roll? """"I don't know"""" Wanna go for a picnic?
"
116617,"Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was. She said """"fuck you"""". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.
"
209522,"God, the Atheists are coming! God: """"Tell them I'm not around!""""
"
98179,"I Like My Women Like I Like My Math http://spikedmath.com/comics/138-i-like-my-women-like-i-like-my-math.png
"
36441,"Two guys who vape walk into a bar I only know because they're naked on the bar blowing their vapes up each others' assholes right now.
"
102265,"Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver I only abuse it when I'm drinking
"
187526,"The strongest person in a prison should be called mitochondria Because they are the powerhouse of the cell.
"
136351,"Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
"
23133,"If you ever get a job at a bank, take care not to slice your hand open while handling notes and coins. If that happens, you'll be sure to get a pay cut.
"
175338,"I like my women like I like my Starbucks coffee. Left cold and empty with my name written across them.
"
118071,"I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.
"
158189,"What do the dolphins and the post office have in common? Neither deliver on Sundays.
"
137809,"A good looking girl waved at me today... but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
"
113295,"Why the musician sold his computer... It was baroque.
"
176358,"Okay kids don't ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger's houses except on the day we worship the devil.
"
146003,"what do ducks and pseudo-science have in common? it's all just a bunch of quackery.
"
54889,"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No i-dear What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no i-dear
"
27298,"Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.
"
157310,"Christmas these days is a lot like having sex the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
"
202034,"Why is gravity so weak? Because it doesn't lift
"
96705,"What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches watches...
"
19403,"""""She's cute I swear, let me find a better picture.""""  Me telling my friends about my new girlfriend.
"
27540,"What do you call a sheep giving birth in a bedroom? Bedlam
"
65883,"What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet.
"
7624,"The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, """"Window or aisle?"""" I replied, """"Window or you'll what?""""
"
201159,"What do you do if you are driving your car in central Manhattan and you see a space man? Park in it, of course.
"
114391,"Friday the 13th today Do not visit summer camp.
"
137618,"When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
"
127999,"My child: Mom, there's a monster under my bed. Me: """"That's impossible, they're all running for president right now.""""
"
157292,"[at the hunting store] Me: where's the camo gear? Clerk [winks]: exactly
"
204990,"""""I would describe your butt as a 7/10..."""" """"...There's a crack and a hole in it.""""
"
60607,"don't smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
"
57488,"My girlfriend invited me to have some cyber-sex... I thought it was gonna be just some us time but it turned out it was a 4G!
"
33625,"What was the bear's favourite pick-up line? Hey baby, what's ursine?
"
22604,"Catch Up or Catch It What do you do meet an old friend? What do you do when someone throws a ball? What do you put on a hamburger? What do you find in a litter box?
"
45955,"My wife and I were happy for 25 years Then we met.
"
41269,"What did the greek cow say? 
"
74974,"I've never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that's running 30 minutes over time.
"
114329,"I firmly believe in taking care of one's body... That's why I protect mine in a thick layer of fat.
"
208931,"I found a shop that sells clothing made of brick. It's a hardware store.
"
171983,"I know this Ethiopian family who are so poor they had to eat clay to survive. Afterwards they were all shitting bricks.
"
116725,"A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I'm at the airport.
"
87336,"PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
"
164034,"I wanna make a joke about sodium. But Na.
"
79181,"I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems. The pitch is easy. All I do is say """"Good morning"""". At 3am in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
"
216052,"I've never heard a good joke about islam... They've all been a bit shiite
"
204150,"BAR JOKE So, a guy walks into a bar....
"
9367,"Every time you enter a room, you should say """"Smells like farts in here."""" This way when you fart later, they'll never suspect you.
"
222990,"Is anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?
"
90570,"Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we're supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
"
190486,"*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal* """"ALFRED WE'RE GETTING IPHONES.""""
"
203232,"What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities
"
59003,"Tweeting and grocery shopping don't mix. I've been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone's baby.
"
201542,"The new British PM has been spotted performing necromantic rituals over Margaret Thatcher's grave... She May be planning Theresa corpse.
"
172073,"My aunt is trying to convince me that I'm gonna have kids. I named my kittens lunchbox and cocaine Steve. No one is gonna let me have a kid.
"
51676,"cows are pretty nice to us considering that we eat them
"
74346,"Did you hear they made an Emo-Hipster pizza? It cuts itself, and you're supposed to eat it before its cool.
"
226449,"Black actors boycott Oscars... No slave or MLK movies this year.
"
16056,"What did the Nazi without a car say? Damnit! Now I'm going to have to sieg HAIL a cab!
"
120365,"""""Bitches be crazy."""" -dog therapist
"
115178,"How do you kill a thousand flies... Slap a Kenyan in the face. Just heard it from a coworker...thought I share.
"
51636,"Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you Me: yeah well that's just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
"
62826,"What food greatly diminishes a women's sex drive? Wedding cake
"
198476,"What is the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? A pervert wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on his face.
"
148059,"Some family is never more than just blood.
"
2253,"Doctor says: """"No sex for 6 weeks after birth."""" Me: Why? Did her vagina see its shadow? Doctor: Me: Doctor: Please tell me you're not the father.
"
178530,"China must be a huge sausage-fest by now.
"
13584,"What keyboard shortcut do the elderly have the most trouble with? Ctrl+P
"
214492,"I once lived with a Canadian family for a year... They didn't want me to, but were too polite to ask me to leave!
"
202543,"What wears a leather jacket, and would kill you if it fell from a tree? An elephant wearing a leather jacket!
"
29702,"How did the detective solve the case of the missing nun? Through the process of cross-examination.
"
226273,"You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.
"
153006,"Food bank Im that poor i cant even get help from the food bank, they said I'm 2 tins of Tomatoes and a banana overdrawn.
"
202837,"98% of black people love having sex in showers The other 2% haven't been to prison yet
"
97847,"Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville.
"
219761,"Every 15 minutes, a woman gets run over. She's starting to get pissed.
"
20001,"You can tell Monopoly's an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
"
112265,"Whats the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg.
"
144587,"Conservatives after a mass shooting: """"You can't take our guns!"""" Conservatives after a police shooting: """"But he had a gun!"""" I'm confused.
"
14934,"What do you call it when Einstein faps? A stroke of genius.
"
66214,"Netflix is becoming a viable competitor to cable service So your local cable company is now offering headend and bellend
"
208839,"What do you call a knight who cheats on tests? Glancelot
"
491,"""""Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP"""" -first rule of Sprite Club
"
111685,"There's a thin line distinguishing """"Heroes"""" from """"Herpes""""
"
41624,"I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying bitch isn't """"fun to be around"""".
"
46912,"Paul McCartney wrote 'Yesterday' But he also wrote 'Obla-de-obla-da' and 'Ebony and Ivory' So, don't worry if some of your tweets are shit
"
18443,"I met a girl with 12 nipples Sounds funny, dozen tit?
"
54046,"19 and 20 got in a fight. 21.
"
96927,"I didn't know about Reddit in college That's how I graduated
"
50149,"What's white and gives you a solid 9+ inches that gives you a workout every time? Snow Storms
"
70475,"My girlfriend is quite pessimistic about our sex life, but I'm a vagina half full kind of guy.
"
151458,"Two jews walk into a bank The bartender says """"Shit, I'm in the wrong joke""""
"
163084,"To a guy who said that my jokes about animals are bad I can't bear with it.
"
152282,"I heard there was a website to find missing sausage.... But I couldn't find the link
"
15248,"Do you know how many people were gored in Spain during the running of the bulls? Same as last year: Not enough
"
86272,"I just opened a shop called Beatbox. We only sell boots n cats.
"
4006,"What's the difference between a fish and a mountain goat? Fish muck about in fountains...
"
75839,"I did a striptease for my wife but it didn't go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.
"
188946,"What's the worst thing you can come across while browsing the Internet? Your keyboard.
"
51199,"You know what they say about people with big brains, right? """"You have a severe case of meningitis.""""
"
147131,"How do you know a stranger could be an engineer? Don't worry they'll tell you.
"
112545,"My favorite pickup line.... Hey, smell this... does this smell like chloroform?
"
135487,"Why do sharks only swim in salt water? (Got this is a Cracker Jack box) Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
"
200653,"Why did the balloon go near the needle? .... Why did the balloon go near the needle? He wanted to be a pop star.
"
217507,"3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I don't want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.
"
192936,"Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don't know what the Indian dude is saying either.
"
200984,"My fiancee is like a good joke Short and Sweet
"
105482,"Gravity walks into a bar in space And shit goes **down**
"
145811,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Baby Owl ! Baby Owl who ? Baby Owl see you later maybe I won't !
"
40987,"I know repetitive noises irritate people so I'm surprised there weren't more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
"
180103,"So I was about to roll a joint with a page from the Qur'an... But I decided that I didn't really feel like getting stoned.
"
195499,"Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit Me: ok Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom
"
111847,"Things that we wished were delivered 1. Taco Bell 2. OP 3.
"
61442,"Donald Trump wants to ban shredded cheese... He wants to make America grate again
"
16514,"Hey baby, you're just like my little toe... ...because I'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home.
"
148384,"Some of my lowest points are when I try to """"like"""" an email
"
81208,"Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: """"Windows frozen."""" Husband texts back: """"Pour some lukewarm water over it."""" Wife texts back 5 mins later: """"Computer completely fucked now.""""
"
227310,"Reporters Why did the reporter only dunk chips in the middle of the dip? He just wanted the inside scoop.
"
179349,"Wife: What's the Harlem shake? Me: I don't know, I think they sell them at Burger King?
"
120099,"Damn, girl... Are you a Pokemon? Cause I wanna make your vulva sore.
"
41060,"Recently I'm having a lot of bad dates! I've to try grapes now!
"
171030,"What words does Donald Trump find irresistibly sexy? """"You sick fuck, I'm calling the cops.""""
"
123953,"Why did the woman divorce the grape? She was tired of raisin' kids.
"
171949,"I once knew a women who started walking five miles a day when she turned 60... . Well, she's 99 now and we have no idea where she is.
"
96928,"Don't try this at home. If homeless, go for it!
"
123426,"What's the difference between falling 2 ft and 200 ft? 200 ft: Aaaaaaaaa, bump 2 ft: Bump, aaaaaaaaa (Yes, it's an old, really old joke. Surprisingly haven't seen it here, yet.)
"
57833,"North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine Woops, wrong sub
"
201998,"My wife is a liar! Last night I texted her and asked here where she was, she said with her sister Emma. I was with her sister Emma!!
"
196460,"Mexican word of the day """"Budweiser"""" That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
"
139525,"Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that's also a desperate attempt not to die
"
223146,"Cannibals like to meat people.
"
1407,"What's the deal with Drake, first he was an actor now a rapper? Must have been all degrassi was smoking. I'll let myself out.
"
18139,"What do Americans and Putin have in common? They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.
"
11176,"Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you? *Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*
"
208617,"Dear Men. When a woman is upset, don't ask her what's wrong, but for fuck's sake don't not ask her what's wrong either. Hope this helps.
"
38478,"Friend ran in the Boston Marathon, He said he had a blast but can't feel his legs.
"
217031,"Working in an Action Man factory pays very well indeed... You can make six figures in an hour.
"
23342,"Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: When he asks for a lifesaver ask him what flavor he wants.
"
68637,"Any funny student council election catchphrases for posters? I made jokes for last years sophomore election but can not think of any for this year. Any help redditors?
"
207042,"""""It's complicated"""" relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease.
"
62528,"What do Russians call their sexual partners? Cumrades
"
136532,"I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
"
24791,"Mexican Magician There was a Mexican Magician standing on the stage. He said, """"On the count of three, I will make myself disappear!"""" """"Uno!"""" """"Dos!"""" POOF! He disappeared without a tres!
"
21331,"What do you call a happy dolphin? Endorphin
"
37560,"I use to have a job working in an elevator... it had its ups and downs
"
11224,"The awkward moment when you're wearing Nike's and can't do i
"
55191,"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
"
221467,"Both my son and daughter love reddit. That must mean it's heredditary.
"
201180,"Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I'm guessing it's the same place you're going.
"
133509,"There's nothing more deceitful than the word """"booby trap"""".
"
106098,"Hear about the state-of-the-art amputation device? All I know is it's pretty cutting edge...
"
6153,"What's the difference between a snitch whose been caught and a free-spirited orphan with an Oedipus complex? One's a dead-ass motherfucker. The other's a dead mother ass-fucker.
"
58522,"Just took a huge Nicolas Cage movie.
"
134392,"I'm basically Switzerland. I'm cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.
"
74148,"I got nothing better to do, dude in a Prius, I will absolutely follow you all the way home just to let you know you're a terrible driver
"
36716,"Your British accent is so attractive! If we had kids would they have British accents? We should do a scientific test & find out. For science
"
25689,"7: I didn't do my homework Me: why not? 7: they told us to write about the new president Me: so? 7: you told me not to cuss
"
76171,"What's the difference between a Canadian woman and a moose? 50 pounds and a flannel.
"
166127,"Who really appreciates a good fisting? A sock puppy.
"
158905,"Why do people say its not you... it's me in a breakup? Yeah it's YOU, you're an idiot! I'm amazing... ask your brother!
"
191606,"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
"
66877,"I started a band called 999 megabytes We still haven't gotten a gig.
"
134237,"I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy. """"Making breakfast. ;)"""" """"Walking the dog. ;)"""" """"Broke in to your house ;)""""
"
103827,"[ brings ouija board to your grave ] """"Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?""""
"
140204,"If a fireman's job can go up in smoke, and a plumbers job can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?!
"
127956,"How to clean your keyboard aaaaaaaa'kdnf...........,mnnbcvxeuw8301435555555556789+0 zx,cmmmmmmmmmvnsdbasfkoljfsw
"
224446,"I told the bartender i wanted a 9/11 Bartender: """"whats a 9/11?"""" me: """"a fucked up Manhattan""""
"
230340,"My cross fit application was was rejected Bad form
"
25012,"COMMENCE ANNIHILATI... Sorry, wrong notes, that's tomorrow's speech. Here's the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega ...
"
227740,"Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
"
97380,"My dad once told me I would make a great mime... I was speechless.
"
112250,"Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, """"Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.""""
"
44180,"What do you get when you travel a long way with a kung fun hero, and breathe heavily next to a guy named Russ? Miley Cyrus.
"
61977,"Nothing makes me more proud of my son's sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
"
72224,"Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through an alley last night? One was a salted.
"
174945,"Thinking about writing some erotic fan fiction about 90s bands Working title It's A shame About Grey
"
62598,"A pirate walks into a bar with paper towel on his head. The bartender says, """"Hey, do you realize you have paper towel on your head?"""" The pirate replies, """"Arrrg, I have a bounty on my head.""""
"
66518,"Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it's not real life.
"
89017,"What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend when he broke up with her? I need some space.
"
161771,"""""GET IT!?"""" * """"Knock knock"""" * """"Who's there?"""" * """"Interrupting time traveler."""" * """"Interrupting time traveler, who?""""
"
76568,"What did the IT guy say when he threw RAM sticks at the stripper? """"RAMs a make a dance!""""
"
185320,"I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years.
"
13600,"If you google """"MySpace"""" your computer will ask """"Are you fucking serious right now?""""
"
208143,"What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? I don't use a feminist to kill myself when talking to a gun.
"
200037,"What do you call a midget prostitute? A lowrider
"
177357,"Why don't klansmen like to eat sushi? because that would be a case of rice mixing
"
149187,"I get a new phone every year just so my friends don't think I'm lying when I tell them I've lost their number Avoidance is expensive
"
113701,"How many dead hookers does it take to screw a light bulb? Why the hell would my basement even need light?
"
13464,"Rules for being a good neighbor: 1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS 2. Don't forget rule number one.
"
43420,"How do you know if a guy has an asian wife? He'll tell you.
"
93126,"My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
"
225494,"Why was Selena Gomez suspended in elementary school? Because she couldn't keep her hands to herself.
"
118216,"I asked my trainer """"Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?"""" He pointed outside and said """"The ATM machine"""" [ c/o /u/jubileo5 ]
"
101774,"The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
"
158772,"What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state  capital? Albunny New York!
"
89423,"Due to the downturn in the economy my friend has had to close down his salt stall. He's really feeling the pinch.
"
61615,"I don't know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
"
223214,"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
"
48259,"I love the word frequently... I try to use it as often as possible.
"
126925,"You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
"
26131,"I was astonished to learn that the meat in Subway was slaughtered in a traditional Muslim way. I mean how the fuck do they fit a rucksack on a cow?
"
170908,"Did you hear about the owl who fell in love with the goat? They had a hootin-nanny.
"
180851,"Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
"
228324,"If my friends circle was a pizza... ...I would be the crust
"
98984,"FEmale The original iron man. (clever feminist joke I read on a T-shirt. Not actually a huge feminist.)
"
63953,"[love making] Her: [leans in] """"do that thing you know I like."""" [i cease to exist] Her: """"yeah baby.""""
"
19320,"I wanted to get a brain transplant... But I changed my mind.
"
194452,"Why did Ray Bradbury use heated lube? It was a pleasure to burn.
"
76877,"My wife left me because I couldn't control my pasta touching fetish... I'm feeling cannelloni right now
"
75922,"The most high brow yo 'mamma joke... Yo mamma is so classless... she is like a Marxist utopia!
"
107519,"You're not a REAL American until you're at least 30 lbs overweight.
"
216181,"I get so pissed off when the 'Dawson's Creek' theme song doesn't suddenly play in the background while I'm having a magical moment.
"
64306,"""""Every family on 2013 had 'quite the year'."""" - study conducted using Christmas newsletters
"
153935,"The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
"
150439,"Community college
"
154504,"If Obama said If President Obama said he was in favor of oxygen, republicans would suffocate themselves.
"
100436,"Australians don't have any problems with gender pronouns... Because we call everyone cunt.
"
49770,"When in history was there ever an abundance of birds and a shortage of stones?
"
110845,"I know my mum has a dildo because I hear her drawer slam shut every night before she switches off her light in the next room... ...I wish this was a joke.
"
97491,"Girl with small feet? Will do great in kitchen
"
161175,"I'm just off for a meeting with an Indian car maker. Tata.
"
6937,"How much is Donald Trump's life insurance? Just one pence.
"
74396,"So I went around to a friends house... And on his mantle was a bronze statue of an animal butt. When I asked him about it he said it was a catastrophe.
"
75652,"Love is like a fart If you have to force it, it's probably s**t
"
128806,"TIL Chicago is the #1 supporter of Latin women. They always yell: Go Chica! Go!
"
104972,"Do You Like Wendy's? Well you're not gonna like it Wendy's nuts are bouncing off your chin.
"
136652,"I have a sweet parking spot at Target. I'm just going to sit here for the next 10 minutes with my reverse lights on, pissing people off.
"
88446,"What's the best part of having sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and imaging you are poking through Old guy at work told me that hahaha
"
37379,"OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
"
133710,"Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
"
221816,"TIFU by accidentally benching our star player on the last inning... Whoops, wrong sub
"
128854,"A joke my religion teacher told to our class Roses are red, Violets are blue-ish, If it wasn't for Jesus, We all would be Jewish!
"
71549,"The other day my dessert looked like it was undressing me with it's eyes... It was a total crepe.
"
66087,"Me: And what do you do if I tell you I'm having a heart attack? Siri: I clear your browser history. Me: That's right darling.
"
226888,"I feel sorry for the two policemen outside number 10 Seeming David Cameron has a thing for pigs now.
"
185693,"I love that the news bleeps swears. """"Sorry you heard a bad word during our footage of a firefight that ended with a guy being burned alive.""""
"
172245,"Sometimes I think I have ADD... ...oh look a bird!
"
50936,"Does any one know a program that converts mp3's into Nutella?
"
35181,"So I asked my uncle how he felt about the Ducks this season He replies """"I finally know what it feels like to be a Beaver fan.""""
"
118414,"What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common? They both love a tight seal!
"
181527,"Accents are important. Would you rather be touched by Jesus or Jesus?
"
133277,"Knock knock Who's there? Police. Your wife has been involved in a terrible car accident.
"
187175,"When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
"
51661,"Why didn't rail Castro want to be President of Cuba? He didn't want to play second fidel
"
7832,"Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew  where he lived.
"
146876,"What do churches and guns have in common? They both go PEW PEW PEW
"
39221,"About what time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish
"
54136,"If I had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive... They would eventually find me attractive
"
141690,"I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
"
87263,"When do chickens stop laying eggs? Henopause
"
204304,"Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A1: Because they can spell it. A2: Because they can spell BWM.
"
201769,"Him: """"I killed the spider for you. He suffered."""" Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) """"Splendid.""""
"
203291,"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
"
86634,"I messed up planning my New Year's party I guess you could say I dropped the ball.
"
60331,"Did you know drinking beer makes you smart? It made Bud wiser.
"
58119,"So I have one coworker who uses """"irregardless"""" and another who uses """"unappropriate"""" and now I'm over trying to conversate with these people.
"
18985,"So I made a Guardians of the Galaxy themed soft drink. I call it Groot beer.
"
190663,"A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.. She says """"Show me it's true what they say about black men"""". So he stabs her and takes her purse.
"
221358,"If you're going to bother Google with a search, it is polite to type """"excuse me"""" first.
"
172335,"You're so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial.
"
197371,"Girl, we can play zoo..and you can tame my monkey
"
85932,"My girlfriend told me our safe-word was too easy to forget I said, """"Ok, let's make it 'harder.' """"
"
177211,"What did the alien say to the gas pump ? Don't you know its rude to stick your finger in your ear when I'm  talking to you !
"
93761,"what's it called when you're secretly a norse god? you're low key loki
"
149273,"Dave is coming over. """"Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he's Spider-Man?"""" [loud thud on the roof] BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE
"
201216,"Hey kids, don't forget to look both ways before getting hit by a car.
"
224774,"GOD: Mark, I have chosen you. You will know answers to all of life's mysteries, just listen to the voicemail I left you. ME: voicemail? ugh
"
3879,"Whats Donald Trumps favorite album? The Wall
"
155635,"What happens when a linguist gets sick? Plosive diarrhea
"
31386,"I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
"
129000,"What did she say while cleaning herself after sex? Well, that's a load off my shoulder
"
8166,"What do soy beans and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes!
"
216277,"What did one frog say to the other frog? Time's fun when you're having flies.
"
116695,"What does it take to be a president of Russia? Be a Viktor, then you are Devinitely In
"
40284,"My neighbor named his dog """"Rolex""""... He's a watch dog.
"
230575,"What do you call a Mexican who can't find parking. Noe. E-or estacionar is park in Spanish.
"
14675,"What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? her bellybutton.
"
85357,"I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won't find them.
"
15419,"What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? Dubai doesn't like the Flinstones but Abu Dhabi do
"
57417,"Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
"
98454,"I have never managed to find a happy medium All the one's I've ever met have a haunted look to them.
"
90131,"You're missing the point and possibly a chromosome...
"
118397,"Trump gets elected president.. On inauguration day, he swears in as President. Before delivering his inauguration speech, he turns to Obama and says """"President Obama, You're Fired""""
"
86468,"""""Benjamin Button"""" *""""Benjamin who?""""* """"Benjamin"""" *""""Who's there""""* """"Knock knock""""
"
56119,"I'll never forget my grandfather's dying words... """"AAAAHHHH!""""
"
190312,"I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink. Then I get kicked out.
"
154459,"huh? """"razzleberry is a mixture of raspberry and blueberry jam *puts mouth closer to drive thru speaker* either you have it or you don't""""
"
22819,"NSFW The joke you'd never tell someone in person. I'll start What does a baby's vagina smell like? *Lean in, blows softly in your face*
"
85980,"Every time Guy Fieri forgets to call it """"Hotlanta"""" Chester Cheetah magically appears to remove one flame from his shirt.
"
16844,"Q: What has fifty legs but still can't walk? A: Half a centipede.
"
140849,"What's similar between an old lady's vagina and an apple pie? You've got to bite through the crust to get to the cream inside Happy Valentine's day everyone ;)
"
208978,"What does a guy want more than anything in the world? It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.
"
124696,"Two Canadian hunters were driving through the  country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read """"BEAR LEFT"""" so they went home.
"
137291,"What weighs 12lbs and won't be getting plucked this Christmas Scott Weilands guitar
"
100924,"Which is more promiscuous, a Northern girl or a Southern girl? A Northern girl says """"You can"""" but a Southern girl says """"Y'all can""""!
"
45614,"The only thing I'd like for you to say behind my back is """"Do you like that?""""
"
130093,"This sushi restaurant has the worst service. """"Ma'am this is an aquarium""""
"
33263,"How many cops does it take to push a Black person down the stairs? None. He *fell*....
"
54971,"Pokemon GO is the biggest thing right now, guess whats up next! Plantation Tycoon DownSouth 1600s Go Railroad 1800's Tycoon Auschwitz Tycoon Pedophile Go
"
41381,"So I went to a wedding And everyone was very emotional. Even the wedding cake was in tiers.
"
223086,"What do Japanese men do when they have erections? They vote.
"
114825,"What is Forrest Gump's favorite pasta? PENNAY!
"
25899,"[me after 1 minute of jogging] this is good, this was a good decision [me after 3 minutes of jogging] life is suffering, there is no god
"
222174,"My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
"
151276,"As an ornothologist and a pimp I structure payment based on the old saying: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
"
226750,"I'm not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.
"
72647,"what do you call that worthless flap of skin around a vagina a woman
"
107133,"Why do you have to pee so quickly after you start drinking beer? Because it doesn't have to stop off to change color!
"
100250,"You hear the one about the Blind Prostitute? You gotta hand it to her
"
34911,"How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? One, although it's probably screwed in too tight anyway.
"
179029,"*psst... ok ok be quiet... ssshhh...* uhhh... how do you sell a duck to a deaf guy? WANNA BUY A DUCK?!?! Uh... This joke isn't as good written down :-(
"
149758,"What has 200 teeth and holds back Godzilla? My zipper
"
108484,"How Do You Circumcise a Redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.
"
86116,"I hate when I can't understand what I'm eavesdropping on.
"
60985,"What's a Mexican's favorite assignment? Ese's(Essays)
"
127462,"When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
"
91527,"I keep throwing up when I count in French My doctor thinks I might have a huit allergy
"
52827,"Toast at a Wedding """"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live."""" That's an Irish toast. """"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup."""" That's a French toast.
"
194929,"What do you call a caboose that changes its gender? A trains-vestite.
"
29158,"Why do we say dogs are man's best friend? Why not say dogs are man's and woman's best friend? Because diamonds are a woman's best friend.
"
151290,"During an inspection of the federal penitentiary, I saw a bald inmate beat up a warden. I guess the warden was hit by a Smooth Criminal.
"
34799,"jomomma.ninja Jo Mamma is so Ninja, that even Chuck Norris sent her a Friend request.
"
155003,"What is dark and hairy on the outside, soft and moist on the inside, starts with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in it? A coconut
"
142807,"A real boyfriend will blow up his girl's phone when she's mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she'll see his effort.
"
62999,"Today I was walking down the street today and a guy threw a slice of cheese at me. That's mature.
"
28596,"If a boy put rose petals all over my bed I'd be like you're cleaning this up I'm not cleaning this up
"
96215,"Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% other people cheapening the meaning of the word """"genius"""".
"
55005,"How do you hit 20 flies in one shot? Hit an Ethiopian in the head with a frying pan.
"
213653,"Don't you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?
"
161775,"Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
"
138965,"Surgeon: I'll be taking out your appendix today Me: [stomach rumbles] Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy] Appendix: I have a boyfriend
"
31280,"Son: """"Mom, Dad, I'm gay."""" Mom: *Stares at Dad* Dad: *Clenches fist* Mom: """"Don't!"""" Dad: *Sweats Profusely* Mom: """"..."""" Dad: """"HI GAY, I'M DAD"""" Edit: Yay top of r/jokes, #lifegoals Also formatting
"
229469,"What do you call a gay Asian guy? Rice-a-Roni
"
183481,"Sometimes I feel so alone, and then I remember I'm a part of the biggest, most reliable 4G network in the country.
"
176631,"[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
"
111027,"A gay man asks his lover """"are you mad at me?"""" The lover responds """"no, why?"""". The gay man says """"Well, last night you slept facing me""""
"
96924,"Why did the punk-rocker cross the road? He had a chicken stapled to his face.
"
62462,"How do three gay guys sit on a stool? Flip it upside down.
"
64403,"I heard politicians don't have toilets. They just shit into microphones.
"
4751,"If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I'd have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
"
22482,"What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung? The guardians of the galaxy!
"
74680,"You say you want to bring me back to reality. You're assuming I've been there before.
"
172382,"Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say """"you did that""""
"
171739,"You're a Carrot I wish, I'd be easier on the eyes.
"
142842,"What dog loves to take bubble baths ? A shampoodle !
"
186638,"If women ruled the world, there would be no wars... Just bunch of countries not talking to each other
"
121385,"What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing?
"
143977,"What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car next to an abortion clinic? Having to go in to ask for a coat hangar.
"
132031,"Why did the church hire a prostitute? Her resume said """"missionary position""""
"
64331,"what's big, black and looks good on a lawyer's neck? a doberman
"
208391,"What can give you life, but also kill you? Your father...
"
46172,"Still carry my keys one-poking-out-like-a-weapon-style in case I'm attacked by a not very tough rapist with thin skin.
"
174507,"What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom? """"He's a real fun guy [fungi].""""
"
13946,"When drinking liquor while watching baseball, at what point will you be the most drunk? Bottom of the fifth, of course.
"
54885,"Chopped: College Edition. """"In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.""""
"
20351,"Why doesn't Santa have kids? He only comes once a year
"
53929,"If I say, """"Don't worry, I'm on it,"""" there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
"
178944,"Because of Politcal Correctness you can no longer say """"Black paint"""". You have to say """"Jamal, will you please paint the fence?""""
"
225589,"When is a door not a door? When it's ajar
"
199367,"Went to the store without my iPhone. Felt like I traveled back in time. Saw a dinosaur. Realized I actually traveled back in time.
"
150316,"Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming? ROFLMFAO! JK! Lolz Ttyl KK Ur BFF, Hannibal ~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
"
100942,"Fun Prank: If someone leaves their car windows cracked cause it's hot outside, start slipping unwrapped Kraft Singles in their car
"
194813,"What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-Na-Na-Na!
"
14254,"Pickup line Hey there, wanna come over and watch porn on my 50 inch flat-screen mirror?
"
164316,"What human organ would survive the longest in the hunger games? The liver
"
111879,"Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.
"
119549,"What did Christian Grey say to Anastasia before they sex for the first time? Don't worry, I'll show you the ropes.
"
208102,"What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef!! What do you call a cow with two legs? YOUR MUM!!
"
4138,"Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
"
137086,"I've just been to a concert put on by the Bermuda philharmonic orchestra. Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.
"
195105,"What do you call that part of the pharmacy where they keep the condoms, birth-control pills, etc.? The Contrasection.
"
60680,"What is Santa Claus' favorite metal band? Sleigher
"
111551,"What do you call a Mexican riding a bike? Wow. You guys are some racist fucks. He's a bike rider. On a bike he probably stole.
"
210980,"[Staring deep into David Schwimmer's eyes] """"I'm afraid I only like you as a Friend""""
"
54065,"What do you call a guy who likes telling """"dad jokes""""? A """"groan"""" man...
"
217420,"How did the Roman cut his hair? Caesar
"
68182,"I thought my vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant. But it turns out it just changes the colour of the baby
"
175216,"Me: Grandma died, can't work today. Boss: Thought she died last month? Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
"
197456,"The most awkward part of a murder/suicide pact has to be deciding who goes first.
"
207991,"Why did Jon lick the cat's butt Because the dog was busy
"
221669,"Down in Virginia, the prosecutors brag they could get a grand jury to bring a ham sandwich to trial. In fact, just last week, a banana was actually convicted of murder. It was overturned on appeal.
"
177051,"What do u call a Jew? Jewish
"
176287,"Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn't even hallucinate one time.
"
18741,"To avoid identity theft when I die I want to be shredded.
"
85318,"If crime doesn't pay... ... than you're doing it wrong.
"
218499,"What did the Pirate say on his 80th Birthday? I don't know, but I'm sure someone is gonna repost this
"
37329,"What do you call a cheap circumcision? A Rip-Off
"
13922,"Women are good for 70 things. cleaning house, and 69
"
47395,"Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It's a play on words.
"
92555,"What did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish? Cod dam
"
98687,"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
"
107975,"Halfway into the 20km marathon, I saw my cheating g/f and told her that I was breaking up with her I guess it was the right thing to do in the long run.
"
180757,"and on the 8th day god created drugs and everybody was like """"thanks god you're the shit""""
"
199223,"I've messed up, I'm gonna be arrested for crimes against light... I'm gonna be sent to the state prism!
"
12479,"What's denser than a black hole? Your ex.
"
28227,"I told the Starbucks batista my name was Mary Krismas... They still can't get the spelling right.
"
16334,"There is no """"g"""" in paradigm. """"You're thinking of phlegm,"""" she says. Well now I am.
"
58030,"I've hosted an bukkake party for my girlfriend You should've seen her face
"
130637,"Almost got raped in prison My family takes Monopoly way too seriously
"
220069,"WTF? Anal bleaching Normally I'd be against such a thing, but some assholes just need to lighten up.
"
184928,"What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Probably an award or something. I mean, that would be pretty crazy. Alternative punch line: I don't know. The zoo won't let me try.
"
71857,"How does a composer remember which groceries to buy? She writes a Chopin Liszt.
"
201184,"What does a clock do when it's hungry? Goes back four seconds.
"
137015,"Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up!
"
99063,"Why did the run on sentence think that it was pregnant? Because its period was late.
"
171330,"I was having a hard time remembering my PIN on my debit card.... So I changed it to 0911. That way I never forget.
"
106311,"TIL you can determine the sex of an ant by dropping it in water Sinks - girl ant Floats - boy ant
"
32853,"Why don't cannibals have dogs? Because you're not supposed to feed them people food.
"
40580,"Why do Seagulls Fly over the Sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be Bagels
"
23399,"Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
"
37163,"I'd hate to give a speech to nudists because I'd be nervous and then I'd have to imagine them without their skin on and skeletons are scary.
"
104975,"How do they dance in Arabia? Sheik-to-sheik (cheek).
"
72441,"I wanted to invest in Lumber Liquidators... But wood stock hasn't been viable sincs the 60s.
"
38036,"How do you spot the violent kids at the circus? They go straight for the juggler.
"
175913,"(real news) In Virginia, a man stole a samurai sword from a store by hiding it in his pants. He later denied having the sword, telling police he *was* just glad to see them.
"
9054,"What did the homeless yoga instructor say when he was told to leave his camp site? Namaste.
"
57616,"Misunderstood gift! My lesbian neighbours gave me a rolex for my birthday. Really sweet of them, but i think they misunderstood when I said """"I wanna watch""""""""
"
31491,"Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
"
92077,"Reporter: What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend? Boy Hero: I had to do it. He had my skates on.
"
137020,"Q: Did you hear about the new blonde hoodlum? A: She runs around spray-painting her name on chain link fences.
"
20928,"I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years. So I mean who's the real winner here?
"
54479,"I saw the headless horseman riding down the street the othrr day Does anyone know where he might beheaded?
"
161023,"A beautiful blonde walks into a bar, and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.
"
183726,"""""LeBron has cramps""""... I get those every month you baby.
"
1276,"A man walks into a bar... He asks the barman """"do you serve women here?"""" The barman replies """"no, sorry, you'll have to bring your own.""""
"
131432,"Q: What is the one thing you will never hear a  man say? A: Her tits are just too big.
"
145654,"Why does Mr. Pencil hate Mr. Pen so much? Because he is an erascist.
"
6815,"Two guys walked into a bar.. You would think one of them would of ducked!
"
91563,"I am currently upset at my mom for having me. I didnt ask to be here. Now I have all these damn bills.
"
84522,"how can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts to fit your wife's clothes. Yes, I know this isn't OC. Nothing on reddit is.
"
154400,"Guy calls to HR: - Hi. I'd like to discuss IT security specialist position at your company. - Ok. Send your CV, please. - You already have it at your desktop.
"
17996,"Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.
"
144977,"Nurse: Would you like an appointment for next week? Patient: No I'm sick now.
"
229968,"What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEYYYYYEEEEE!!!!!
"
68067,"Some people ask me why I never hold a grudge. I've always hated those people.
"
89325,"Bush Jr, and his take on words The only reason Bush Jr attacked Iraq,,, is because Bush Sr. asked for """"a tie rack"""" for Christmas!
"
87119,"What do you call a brain dead Swede? A vegetable..
"
162371,"How do you keep a baby from crawling in circles? nail the other hand to the floor.
"
23918,"I used to work at a muffler shop... That shit was exhausting. Then I got a job a vacuum store, but it sucked even more.
"
144746,"Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing her seat belt.
"
216405,"Dramatic performance I once had a dramatic performance on the subject of puns, but then I realized it was just a play on words.
"
104163,"I dropped my laptop in the middle of the ocean A dell must be rolling in the deep
"
23724,"After placing me in charge of training new employees I can't help but question my companies' commitment to success.
"
64962,"What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your ass
"
138924,"Never make fun of an overweight person with a lisp. They're probably thick and tired of it.
"
168666,"What does a Chinese bear fry eggs in? A pan, duh!
"
20756,"What do you call a rich frog ? A golf blooded reptile !
"
67348,"Why is the Kentucky Derby run in a circle? They like horsin' around.
"
141401,"Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
"
89907,"What's the procrastinator's favorite song? """"Tooomorrow, tomorrow, I love yah, tomorrow.."""" (You're always a day away)
"
59502,"What is a shoe made out of a Banana called? a slipper! I've been telling this corny ass joke around campus and everyone seems to like it haha.
"
134347,"Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
"
230754,"I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how. Not right now, though. I'm waiting for my meth dealer to call.
"
15083,"How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush
"
150381,"I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym... I guess we just weren't working out.
"
153292,"Petting my dog with a spatula cause I'm too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer Why is there a spatula in my room?
"
154252,"How do male civil unions not end with the phrase """"I dude""""?
"
117069,"What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? HAAAAAANNNNNDDD EYEEEEE
"
192292,"I'll stab someone if they hurt my kids. Or touch my nachos.
"
2646,"Gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect
"
20918,"Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building which one hits the pavement first? A: Who cares!
"
156390,"What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? Swim for it...
"
145724,"A dyslexic man walks into a bra... It was a booby trap.
"
151163,"Just installed the iOS 9 update and I've already noticed a significant increase in my phone's battery life! This is aweso
"
180383,"How Long is a Chinese name ...
"
20678,"What do you call a man who gives a woman the illusion of entitlement? A Husband...
"
92590,"Did anyone else hear about the nasty crash involving a mustang and a t-bird? There was horse shit and feathers everywhere!
"
174287,"Whats the best thing about dating a Cleveland Cavaliers fan? They never expect a ring
"
166311,"An Italian woman walks in on her husband giving a man a """"Golden Shower"""". In her dumbfounded state, the shocked woman could only think of one thing to say. """"European!""""
"
4777,"[my wife and I watch a drunk white girl fall out of a cab] I've never drank that much.... [wife looks at me in disgust] ugh, ok I have.
"
191593,"A great idea for Shark Tank Mark Cuban Cigars.
"
40426,"I'm great at signalling for help on a sinking ship.. Just got a flare for it.
"
211522,"I backed a horse at 10/1 yesterday... It came in at quarter past 4.
"
121089,"a 80s movie style montage of me trying on different condoms and my bros keep shaking their heads
"
191059,"How will we truly reach gender equality? By leaving the toilet seat at a 45 degree angle for the next person to decide without bias.
"
33526,"Yesterday in the World Cup, England beat Germany for the first time in recorded history. In fact, it's the first time England has won anything on the 4th of July.
"
225553,"The inventor of distorted mirrors has died. His funeral with be held in asymmetry.
"
80500,"So a magician walks in to a bar And says to the bartender """"Why so many fucking reposts?""""
"
103037,"Do you like your new baby sister? She's all right. Do you play with her? No and we can't even send her back because she's been here more than 28 days.
"
222207,"Which kind of sharply dressed, tiny dwarves make the best drummers? metro gnomes
"
145828,"Knock Knock Who's there ! April ! April who ? April might make you feel better !
"
133318,"Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There's not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.
"
213407,"My friend the Scarecrow just got a promotion He was outstanding in his field
"
55057,"Coming up to the anniversary of 9/11  a reminder, that jokes about this tragedy are plane wrong.
"
222872,"Did you hear about the awesome new Corey Hart cover of Sunglasses at Night? By Stevie Wonder.
"
150236,"A joke this subreddit will love What's worse than a whale with a sore tooth? When you go to kiss your grandma goodbye and she slips you the tongue.
"
90554,"Animals in Australia There are 2 kinds of animals in Australia: * Those that want to eat you * Sheeps
"
158566,"Ay girl, are you a Pokemon? Because I wanna take a Pikachu.
"
32828,"Jesus said to Peter, """"Come forth and I will give you eternal glory."""" Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
"
225699,"This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What's your name? What's your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?
"
146867,"Ever wonder why You never see the headline. Physic wins the lottery.
"
202742,"Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn't satisfy me anymore.
"
106222,"What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock? you can't fuck a rock
"
132059,"Q: Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times? A: Once when you tell it once when you tell her the punchline and once when she gets it.
"
44582,"How does a SQL expert get a date? getDate() ^(I really hope this doesn't do well, so cheap, so stupid, just had to write it when I thought of it)
"
168808,"Did you hear there's a new LGBT kung fu actor making films now? His stage name is Bruce Leigh
"
81750,"Alligators can grow up to 8 feet! Though most only have 4
"
160078,"Did you know that Justin Bieber has a 12 inch cock? Yep. It's in his ass and belongs to Usher.
"
23340,"Why did linkin park wrap themselves up in plastic wrap before they jumped off a cliff? So in the end they didn't even splatter.
"
182165,"that's one of the last straws. I'm going to throw a small tantrum, then continue putting up with both this bullshit and all future bullshit.
"
105256,"[Divorce court] Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce. Judge: He was cheating? Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
"
127141,"If you think January has been a big month for marches, you're gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
"
137585,"I think my Christmas Tree is a male. It keeps bragging about its """"trunk size.""""
"
139227,"Your dog is better than your wife. Don't believe me? Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and then see who's happy when you open it.
"
59321,"Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
"
95793,"Hitler wasn't that bad of a guy I mean, he did kill Hitler.
"
71974,"What did Obi-wan say to Skywalker the first time he saw him as Darth Vader? (snickering) Nice suit, must have cost you an ...
"
130451,"What disease causes people to swear at the dinner table? Gilles de la gourmette
"
166283,"What's black and never works? Decaf coffee.
"
28050,"What did the little boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn't opened them yet.
"
149630,"Have you ever tried eating a clock. Nobody has time for that.
"
41774,"When I wrote """"Spiritual"""" on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch 'Ghostbusters'.
"
114992,"Sometimes in the mornings I have dirty thoughts about a dead girlfriend Mourning wood
"
163620,"Wife: We get 1 """"cheat meal"""" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. ...And that's why I'm not getting laid tonight.
"
81270,"If only success was measured by how self deprecating you could be... ...I'd still be below average.
"
52015,"What is Hitler's favorite chocolate? Fuhrerro Rocher
"
119180,"Having a crush is weird bc one minute you're a normal person and then out of nowhere you're like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
"
130476,"(OC) one I thought up this morning What did the vegetarian lion say before going hunting? """"Lettuce prey""""
"
3496,"Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock
"
82778,"Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar ? He wanted sweet and sour pork !
"
194386,"Whats black and white and red all over? A [removed]paper
"
189579,"Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
"
47299,"I just watched a boring documentary on how to build a time machine. That's an hour of my life I'll probably get back.
"
124727,"How does Moses make his coffee? He brews it
"
85690,"How to sound Australian. Say """"good eye might"""" aloud.
"
159605,"""""Take Your Child to Work Day"""" must be awkward at the dildo factory.
"
120995,"If at first you don't succeed... Skydiving is not for you.
"
30058,"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day... ...set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
"
86956,"Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now heis walking around like a sour puss.
"
45351,"I'm drunk & I want a TV Special called """"Wizard Fight"""" where David Copperfield, David Blaine and Cris Angel try to make each other disappear.
"
133721,"Mary had a little lamb. The doctor fainted.
"
190798,"How do you make black people break out into song? Put em' to work!...  On a gospel record.
"
152607,"In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
"
216143,"I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.
"
123845,"I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.
"
195175,"What type of skiing do Jews prefer? Shlalom
"
168888,"What's the cheapest type of meat to buy?? Deer balls; because they're under a buck.
"
3513,"What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements? The atoms family.
"
123483,"The Foo Fighters wrote my favorite song about throwing up lunch There goes my hero!
"
206001,"I drank tequila in a cave... ...it was a shot in the dark
"
162062,"""""but what if I ask someone a question and they answer it"""" - me sitting in my house too nervous to go to my neighbors party I was invited to
"
12726,"I went to Africa recently... ...and I saw that they used Co2 as fuel instead of petrol or diesel. I couldn't believe it and I exclaimed, """"Madagascar!""""
"
113128,"do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
"
61646,"What do white guys have bellow their hips thats hard and pleasures women Credit Cards
"
104107,"How do you know it was not U.S. that did the aerial bombing? Because the funeral, wedding and hospital were not the targets.
"
138661,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Amy ! Amy who? Amy for the top!
"
200663,"How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
"
118321,"A peanut was walking down a dark alley He got a-salted
"
164339,"Try toasting... It raises your spirits.
"
1113,"What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date? Netflix and chill.
"
38324,"Two guys walk into a bar... ... I can't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore.
"
106721,"How do you circumsize a blue whale? Four skindivers
"
149307,"The worst would you rather... This election.
"
182458,"You don't sweat much for a fat chick.
"
219084,"A man finishes a tube of chapstick... ...just kidding.
"
209174,"Aliens who abducted a drunk Russian gave in... and let him drive for a bit.
"
131332,"""""What attracted you to our company?"""" Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
"
165136,"I asked God for a bike... but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
"
179917,"I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know  why)
"
186405,"Did you see that documentary about the death penalty? Tired concept, great execution.
"
46009,"What do you call a white guy surrounded by 10 black guys? A quarterback.
"
202271,"How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb? .....change??
"
182414,"The Lord said unto John; """"Come forth and you shall receive eternal life."""" But John came fifth and he won a toaster.
"
19275,"I know it wouldn't be """"environmentally friendly"""" but I wish someone would invent disposable handkerchiefs.
"
57730,"What did the body builder say when he ran out of protein powder mix? No whey.
"
172169,"An Irishman applies to a job at a Blacksmiths """"Have you any experience at shoeing horses?"""" asks the Blacksmith """"No"""" says the Irishman """"but i once told a donkey to fuck off""""
"
90044,"Why did the Mexican food go to counseling? It wanted to taco bout his feelings
"
108452,"A Zombie ate Ram's brains... He didn't mind it at all... Silly but original. :P
"
7784,"How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 5 Step 8, 9, 10
"
188299,"Well there's definitely one word I can't use to describe Tom Brady's ego... Inflated.
"
17575,"I wanted to make a joke about transgenders... ...but I don't have the balls to do it. Not anymore anyway.
"
201861,"Did you hear about the guy born with 5 dicks? His pants fit like a glove.
"
215768,"What is Samsung's next Note series phone after Note 7? Samsung Not Explode
"
36042,"If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?
"
72130,"Mrs. Claus can't have kids Do you know why Mrs. Claus can't have kids? Because Santa only comes once a year, and that's down the chimney.
"
201408,"What's a pedophile do on a Saturday night? Netflix and chill-dren.
"
198441,"It's too bad the meaning of life is 141 characters.
"
194730,"I've been drinking and trying to think of a great tweet for a few hours now and here it is: FARTS
"
205282,"A Russian doctor is treating his patient. *""""Take this for insomnia... take this for depression... and take this for anxiety.""""* *""""Thank you Doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides Vodka?""""*
"
126377,"Two gay penises walk by a bar One says to the other """"hey, wanna get shitfaced?""""
"
205265,"Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultra sound guy.
"
68732,"Why did the math student fail his exam? He needed to sketch the sine and cuisine graphs but only knew how to do cos(-x)
"
106517,"With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute
"
139723,"Why did the bacon laugh? Because the egg cracked a yolk.
"
17435,"I hate eating vegetables. The wheelchair doesn't go down easy.
"
171911,"Unable to fall asleep all night from browsing on your iPhone? There's a nap for that.
"
178910,"Why do they call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken
"
184435,"I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT ANYTHING. YOU ARE EVIL. I don't want to go in the swing!! NOOOOooooo.... okay. yeah. This works. I'll hang here. - Baby
"
172557,"Don't panic if your parachute doesn't open! You have the rest of your life to fix it!
"
80849,"Why 21 didn't invite his brother for dinner? 28
"
83890,"Boss: How come I don't see you doing any work? Me: Because you have no imagination!
"
153939,"What do you call a naughty football joke? An offensive line
"
204208,"When your prospective father-in-law asks:""""Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?"""" Do NOT say:""""Because I am tired of using my own""""
"
178185,"What's the difference between a cry baby and Dallas Cowboys fans? Eventually the baby stops crying
"
39645,"Burping up Taco Bell is like returning to the scene of the crime
"
33108,"A man is put on trial for committing mass genocide against the people of Scotland. It looked like he would be in prison for life... ...but he got off Scot-free.
"
4589,"Good friends are like toasters... If you throw them down the stairs, they probably won't make toast for you anymore.
"
60365,"I wonder if Jesus would have been as popular if his name was Eric.
"
51363,"The internet is a place where you can make long-lasting friendships. You can also watch 2 girls drink diarrhea. Two sides to every coin.
"
229302,"Money may not buy happiness, but pondering your problems on a tropical island would sure beat pondering them on your couch.
"
29404,"Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor? Doctor: It's a mango. A perfectly ripe mango Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
"
53323,"Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the  timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.
"
8370,"What are Mario's overalls made out of DENIM DENIM DENIM
"
7894,"eating Asian pussy all I need was SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE
"
113695,"*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist's hair behind her ear with my toes*
"
30199,"What do you call a rabbi that you scrap off your shoe? Resi-jew. I'm so sorry.
"
204004,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Annetta ! Annetta who ? Annetta joke like that and you're off this bus !
"
211440,"It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
"
101526,"What did the mortician say to his new necrophiliac employee? Don't worry, you'll fit right in.
"
7454,"Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours. Him: Why'd you shave it off? Me: I just told you...
"
167435,"I don't hate anyone. I just don't like people.
"
99030,"Love voicemails from my grandma that start with """"hello?....HELLO??..."""" and end with her trying to dial another number.
"
172476,"one time i went to the bathroom and i didn't know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
"
129200,"Space-X just used a multi-stage propellent catapult to send a small group of cattle into low-earth orbit. Its the first heard shot 'round the world.
"
169611,"How do they perform abortions at Hogwarts? Fetus Deletus
"
39777,"Remember when you were at a friend's house & their folks fought & you didn't know where to look? It's how I get when Glee does a rap song...
"
79976,"""""Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"""" """"Please wait someone else is using it.""""
"
31824,"ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
"
88030,"My friend asked what would get black walnut stains off of his driveway I told him to call a cheap motel. If anyone would know how to remove nut stains it would be them.
"
9912,"How do you kill a circus clown ? Go for the juggler
"
181839,"I used to have a Russian friend who was a terrible driver... He was stalin
"
18469,"When I search Canadian cats in Google... It just gives me a bunch of lynx.
"
50548,"Yo momma so fat When she went to the beach the whales started singing """"We are family!""""
"
62777,"Somewhere in Russia, a little kid farted a half beat before the meteor blew out all the windows. It was the greatest moment of his life.
"
100093,"A cannibal, a terrorist and a rapist walk into a bar... in their jail cell.
"
37195,"How does Lady Gaga like her... ...Steaks? . . . Raw, Raw, Raw Raw Raw!
"
226600,"What do you call a posh Gym? James
"
91805,"My gf told me to stop pretending i'm amy winehouse I said no, no, no
"
164107,"A blind man walks into a bar... And a chair. And a table..
"
43689,"what do you call a jamaican proctologist? POKE-MON!
"
110500,"What do Donald Trump and his chromosomes have in common? There is one too many of them.
"
2133,"The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else's birthday.
"
170326,"You guys, how can true love still exist if we don't have mixed tapes anymore?
"
112198,"I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room *giggles*
"
123793,"Q: Why do scientists look for things twice? A: Because they research everything.
"
99571,"""""You know that's not even a word, right?"""" I said, condescendingatively
"
226316,"Just got back from bowling... But I'll spare you the details.
"
62181,"A Muslim, a black guy, a horse, a pirate, a gay, a chicken and a rabbi all walk into a bar... The bartender says, """"What is this, some kind of joke?""""
"
47497,"I don't mind showing up to work But this 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit.
"
88984,"[interview with girl at dating agency] i get shy around pretty girls [girl smiles brushing hair from her face] """"are you shy now"""" not really
"
177558,"I had surgery to change myself from Asian to Caucasian. It was a real eye opening experience
"
164517,"""""It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!"""" - The ultimate twist
"
130393,"Why are fleas never happy? They're in-fur-iated.
"
70367,"What do a d20 and my penis have in common? Girls don't play with either of them.
"
99234,"Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
"
41926,"what do you call Coq Au Vin made with Two Buck Chuck? Chick n' Chuck!
"
200362,"Sex with homeless people is in-tents.
"
19784,"Some grade school humor What's brown and sticky? * ** *** **** *** ** * A Stick!!
"
128935,"One How many time travellers does it take to change a light bulb?
"
44406,"Sorry I reported your newborn's pic on FB but nudity is nudity
"
223325,"How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter? Tell her a joke at Christmas
"
124440,"2 convicted murderers escaped a New York prison using cordless power tools. Authorities said,when they get a hold of them they will be charged.
"
19930,"How do you pick up a fat chick? Piece of cake.
"
48308,"What did the little boy with no hands get for Christmas? Cancer.
"
75704,"What's a terrible plate pun? dish one.
"
31227,"What is it like to eat out an old grandma? Depends.
"
88977,"INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths? APPLICANT: I'm a detail-oriented team player [nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
"
158197,"*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: """"Who was that, your girlfriend?"""" *Everyone laughs* NERD: """"Nope. It was yours."""" *Dead silence*
"
89797,"I stuck a firecracker up the cats butt! Mommy: Tommy, it's rectum. Tommy: I'll say it rectum! It blew 'em all to hell!
"
20123,"Cause of death is still a mystery... Authorities haven't ruled out foul play, after finding prince at the scene.
"
187797,"[interview at the Pringles factory] BOSS: why do you wanna work here? TENNIS BALL: {don't say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
"
47143,"How many women with PMS does it take to change a... just SHUT UP, OKAY! SHUT UP, (sobbing) SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
"
188308,"Don McClean's wife just surpassed American Pie as his greatest hit.
"
108220,"What do you get when you cross a poodle with an elephant? A dead poodle with an asshole of diameter 40cm.
"
62938,"I asked Sean Connery what game he was going to play with Roger Federer tomorrow and what time he was going to go He replied: """"Tennish""""
"
87351,"[E] open box [empty]
"
211127,"How do you start a rave party in Ethiopia? Glue bread to the ceiling.
"
173455,"Probably he best advice you will ever receive...... don't listen to any advice on the internet
"
203442,"What do you call a mentally handicapped lion? a leotard ~
"
194802,"what's the longest word in a black man's dictionary? sheeeeeeeeeeeeit..
"
65178,"What do you call it when a woman of the church goes on a secret mission? Nun of your business
"
56871,"german jesus why jesus not born in germany?there was not three wise men and not one virgin around
"
28473,"My iPhone's device name is """"Titanic"""". It's syncing.
"
70850,"Why can't motorcycles go faster? They're two tired.
"
226366,"What's the difference between a normal baby and a matter baby?
"
98631,"Where does a Jewish farmer become a man? At his Barn Mitzvah
"
133097,"Matthew McConaughey for president 2016: Make America Alright Alright Alright Again!
"
104636,"*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other* 4: I didn't pee the bed daddy! Me: Me neither! *big hug* It was a big night for both of us.
"
125245,"My Boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together... I nailed it! My friend Steve figured I would of screwed it up.
"
184590,"Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, """"How could you do this to me"""" and then runs off crying?
"
146967,"Before Twitter there was Facebook, before Facebook there was MySpace and before that I had a life.
"
53649,"What did the blind man say when he passed by the fish shop? Hello ladies
"
1284,"Don't cut out part of your day to throw out clocks! It's a waste of time!
"
217422,"At midnight, thousands of people will be at Times Square to witnesss Ryan Seacrest's balls drop.
"
168213,"*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*
"
222631,"What's the difference between the Titanic and Kim Kardashian? The number of people who rode the Titanic is known.
"
54565,"My dog lost his tail So I took him to the retail store to get another one.
"
209550,"LPT: If you want to get all green lights just try to send a text.
"
189675,"""""GO SPORTS!"""" -how I cheer for all sports
"
195953,"New study shows that homosexuals care more about marriage than straight people. When they propose, they get down on both knees.
"
193520,"tell me your best """" i was gonna tell a joke about X but Y"""" mine is i was going to tell a joke about Wisconsin but it was too cheesy. ninja edit: i love puns
"
215126,"Waitress: what will it be? Me: I'll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake? M: yes please
"
129824,"My neighbors wifi isn't working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
"
109364,"""""I love you. I'd do anything for you."""" -let me see your phone real quick """"You're smothering me. I need some space""""
"
61859,"My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser
"
214119,"The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house And I thought to myself """"that could've been me"""" Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus
"
1491,"What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic!
"
190872,"If quizzes are quizzical.... What are tests?
"
209627,"Monica Lewinski released a statement that said she would be voting for Donald Trump the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth
"
30050,"Why can't Russia extradite US top-secret whistle-blowers? Because they're Snowden (snowed-in). To all the folks on the East coast, stay safe and warm.
"
175324,"In Amsterdam you could watch live sex shows by paying 50 Euros. That's nothing - In India, I watched a live rape just by buying a bus ticket.
"
208840,"How do you keep someone in suspense?
"
89627,"Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real Me: Yea Dad: There's one more thing Me: Don't say it Dad: Retirement Me: *sobs uncontrollably
"
129839,"What's green and bad for your eyes? An alligator.
"
154820,"I tried to change my password to 14days... The computer said it was two week.
"
183183,"I have a bumper sticker that says, """"honk if you think I'm sexy""""... I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
"
161264,"We were going to install Underfloor heating... But we got cold feet.
"
166627,"What's the similarities between Michael Jackson and the colour changing dress? They both started out black and blue then became white and golden
"
36476,"S.I.N.G.L.E...sexy! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting!
"
151400,"Want to know if you're in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it's over. You're welcome.
"
96848,"I tried to stop cussing for like five months... But I said fuck it.
"
171546,"its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
"
112896,"I'm not racist, I love black people.. so much I think everyone should have one for themselves.
"
70210,"Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself """"I can't believe I'm recording this""""
"
16637,"What do you call an uncertain insect today? A May bee.
"
173338,"Why are there so few black hockey players? Because there was no cotton in Canada.
"
57552,"Damn girl Just $5 for a blowjob? You have syphigonnaidsitis or something?
"
147246,"Is it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients """"thanks for coming"""" as they leave?
"
16061,"I watched Mad Max: Fury Road today.
"
100773,"What direction does a Walter White-themed GPS tell you to turn? Goddamn right.
"
213537,"What do witches ring for in a hotel? B-room  service.
"
152106,"Shout out to all hoarders, sleeping on piles of cats and whatnot.
"
91650,"Guy walks into library and asks the librarian... """"do you have the book for men with a small penis?"""" She replies """"I don't know if it's in yet"""" """"yeah, that's the one """"
"
102953,"Mayweather Vs Pacquiao A fight ? That's a laugh .... I've had tougher fights getting my kids to take their baths!!
"
13270,"Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for """"Race,"""" I add a question mark and then write, """"Anytime. Anywhere.""""
"
54192,"How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
"
199369,"Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? Because he didn't want to fall into the cup of hot chocolate.
"
105175,"Toilet humour isn't funny It's just crap.
"
161622,"I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know Y.
"
25823,"Why do 9 out of 10 bear moms prefer minivans over sedans? All the extra cubholders.
"
71125,"QUEM TEM CHEFE E INDIO NHOQUE EP 1 (trilha sonora para youtube) Aprenda nada sobre cozinha
"
35789,"why is history called his-story because no one wants to read about 6000 years of cooking and cleaning...zing
"
180460,"I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week... I won't be doing that again. joke by Tim Vine
"
176004,"What does a balding man and a tortoise have in common? Hare loss.
"
68389,"What do you call a sudden breeze at The Masters? Augusta wind.
"
157394,"What's the difference between a fraternity and a gang? Gangs don't have to pay for friends.
"
113782,"my Liam Nissan is missing from the parking lot it's been taken  2014
"
4704,"Meet the parents
"
172869,"For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can't even right now, obvs press THREE.
"
194046,"Man gets his wife roses for Valentine's Day Wife says """"I guess I have to open my legs now"""". Man says """"Why? Don't we have a vase""""?
"
57787,"Do you know about the unpredictable weather in Syria? Sometimes it's Sunni, other times it's Shiite.
"
27852,"Congratulations USA We have officially gone black and gone back.
"
4033,"To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
"
97829,"Two women were sitting quietly.
"
95276,"What size lumber is used to build homes in Dubai? Dubai fours
"
185595,"There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
"
103313,"If you ever fart in public, just yell, """"Turbo power!"""" and walk faster
"
218282,"have u ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot
"
77202,"[visit to zoo] See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
"
215369,"Was going to wear my camouflage pants today Couldn't find them.
"
65914,"Fighting childhood obesity.... ....is as easy as taking candy from a baby.
"
62244,"I think my dog always follows me into the bathroom because I always follow her outside when she goes and she just thinks that's how it works
"
228048,"You're following a man who once stole someone's garbage can lid and used it as an umbrella. That's on you.
"
79700,"What do Nihilist's believe in...
"
74963,"So two men walk into a bar... Which is weird. You'd think the second one would have noticed it!
"
16239,"The greatest joke about being gullible
"
126581,"A vagina is like a warm toilet seat on a cold day It's nice, but you can't help but wonder who was there before you.
"
42478,"Why did the University of Kentucky have to put AstroTurf down on the stadium? To keep the cheerleaders from grazing at halftime.
"
166206,"The PC term for Christmas C:\hristmas
"
199070,"The little old woman who lived in a shoe... ...wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
"
186139,"Girls say they want a guy with a sense of humor, but they don't specify what type. Remember, serial killers think murder is a hoot.
"
87673,"What did the busy port master say to the rowdy pirates who wanted to dock? """"I don't have time for your ship.""""
"
174717,"Girls are always the first to say """"YOLO"""" Until I mention anal
"
218593,"My wife and I only disagree on the small things, like the importance of my happiness and whether anything I say matters.
"
65819,"Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.
"
93607,"A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office... Wearing nothing but seran wrap. The doctor looked at the man and replied, """"I can clearly see you're nuts.""""
"
2983,"""""Charlie, I want a divorce."""" [in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
"
197367,"In light of the holiday Season... What do you call the alphabet with only 25 letters? Noe(L) ...no L.... im going to walk away now.. sorry
"
83628,"What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
"
14331,"Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek? A: Because no one will look for them.
"
162221,"Want to know the secret for making 1 million dollars? Start investing with 10 million dollars
"
71760,"It happens when you least expect it. Your head starts to spin. You lose control and you start falling head over heels. -winter ice/love
"
82383,"Joke my brother told when he was little..... Why did the cannibal cross the road.....  To get to the body shop......
"
38356,"The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides! Your days are numbered missy.
"
228215,"You're the unreachable booger of people.
"
49213,"How I met your mother was....... How I met your mother was.....nothing but a 9 year (season) long TED Talk
"
216994,"I always thought i had a good imagination... but it turns out it was just my imagination
"
86313,"Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing.
"
100841,"Two rules for success! 1. Never reveal everything you know.
"
131699,"What's a nymphomaniac cook's least favourite ingredient? Italian dressing
"
178921,"all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
"
169272,"I was going to say a chemistry joke... But I was afraid I wouldn't get a reaction.
"
9991,"When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's sweet, I think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
"
148094,"wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints """"thats when i carried u"""" wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean """"i tried to drown u""""
"
915,"""""Why do white people like cheese so much?"""" Because they're made from cultures! Edit: Five BLM members disliked this post.
"
101772,"You were a still born baby.. Mother didn't want you but you were still born.
"
224294,"What's speed of sex? 68 because at 69 she needs to turn around.
"
11798,"Why do credit cards not work in France? They don't understand the concept of charging.
"
51600,"Why does the internet always mourn the death of politicians? Because they are always lion about everything.
"
125899,"My GF's boobs are pretty odd. I sometimes wish she'd just have 2 of them instead of 3.
"
95291,"When I asked for my wife's hand in marriage, I didn't realize how often I'd just get the finger.
"
148038,"two guys talking.... Guy one: I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally peed in her. Now she won't talk to me. Guy two: Sounds like urine trouble.
"
195189,"""""WE AREN'T SO DIFFERENT, YOU AND I."""" -- bad guys reaching for a weapon at the end of the movie
"
47049,"If the people that drink it are any indication, Diet Coke does not work.
"
182035,"To clean up or just move. This is the question.
"
162839,"Vasaline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children... *Just stick that stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can't turn the knob to get in.
"
99039,"Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh... 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
"
8660,"Jaws How do you know the girl from Jaws had dandruff? She left her Head &amp; Shoulders on the beach
"
99699,"If life gives you melons... You have dyslexia
"
111395,"Why are Gay and Lesbian parades always held in the Summer? Because Pride comes before a Fall.
"
39721,"Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It's been 15 minutes.
"
150958,"So a irishman walks out of a pub
"
89472,"Did you hear about the holocaust museum banning Pokemon? I guess they didn't want a bunch of Ash running around.
"
88949,"Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they're causing all new problems.
"
5205,"there once was a wonderful poet who knew that one day he woud blow it cuz his poems woud rhyme most of the time but occasionaly they didnt
"
157294,"Excuse me miss, you're a cat - a man who doesn't know how to cat call
"
84714,"Why was the little bear so spoiled ?  Because its mother panda'd to its every whim !
"
73257,"Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading.
"
115668,"What do you call a Mexican who's car got stolen? Carlos.
"
201556,"Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
"
38908,"What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor ? Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go !
"
137416,"Girls are like squaring numbers... If their under 18, just do them in your head.
"
136059,"I once saw a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
"
21365,"Pilot [on intercom]: You guys want to see a dead body?
"
27042,"Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.
"
149839,"Following someone on Twitter and complaining about what they tweet about is like phoning someone to tell them you don't want to talk to them
"
226735,"Guys, I know Charlie Sheen isn't winning right now. But at least he's positive.
"
158437,"Never buy a used dream catcher from the flea market near a mental hospital.
"
40973,"For Mother's Day, I told my teens, I'm going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
"
200764,"Why don't orphans play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them.
"
37661,"What do you call a mexican protein? Amigo Acid
"
42140,"Benedict Arnold's boy pointed out the front window ...and pointed at a maple. """"Look daddy, a bush,"""" he said excitedly. """"That's not a bush,"""" Benedict replied, """"that's a tree son.""""
"
214747,"Two cows and a cat were going on a trip. Cow A: Do we go this way with the cat? Cow B: The cattle go this way, we shall go the udder way.
"
140586,"Why does Reddit have so many reposts? Because you already read-it.
"
41087,"For those who can't eat their vegetables bc of the wheelchair: There IS a chocolate shake with every one, all you have to do is pull out the straw. Edit: a word
"
213731,"If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you're an inmate & tweeting from prison.
"
170012,"I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
"
20195,"A short but funny joke your dick
"
188648,"How do jews get around town? On penny boards.
"
88249,"the iPhone 8 won't even come with headphones you'll have to imagine you're listening to music
"
225935,"Two snare drums and a cymbol fall off a cliff... Ba-dum tchh!
"
172020,"Giving a woman an orgasm is like riding a bicycle. I always feel silly wearing a helmet.
"
184726,"An angry Hillary storms into Satan's office and yells """"You told me I was going to win!"""" Satan looks up from the paper and says, """"Well, you told me you had a soul.""""
"
146646,"What do you get when someone teases you with ice cream then takes it away? Blue Bells.
"
54437,"Dr: I need a urine and stool sample. Me: *hands him my underwear* Dr:...... Me: Its all there.
"
160450,"She often thinks about what life may have been outside the asylum, had the cashier refrained from putting her change on top of the receipt.
"
162664,"A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a salad The bartender says """"Sorry, we don't serve food here"""".
"
218283,"The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren't me.
"
140375,"What happened to the horse that ate a duracell battery? He went on furlong-er.
"
162575,"Really? """"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"""" Um...may I introduce you to pizza?
"
119895,"You're in a bar and a guy throws a punch at you You can't even react back or TheFineBros will sue you.
"
142079,"A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double-entendre... so he gave it to her.
"
188154,"Why can't Hillary Clinton be called a female? Because she deleted the emale.
"
212051,"Today I woke up to a surprise bj for the first time Probably should sleep with my mouth closed from now on
"
224050,"I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at Capri Sun.
"
54968,"What do the Patriots and Lance Armstrong have in common? They only have one good ball.
"
138435,"Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims, they went through 110 stories in 4 seconds
"
672,"How to get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve...
"
12266,"All good things must come to an end, which means shitty things last forever.
"
91979,"Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy's gonna have a gold medal, and all you'll have is your joke about curling.
"
72737,"Eskimo: If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell? Priest: No, not if you don't know Eskimo: Then why did you tell me?
"
192173,"I've set my phone to airplane mode to add more realism to the nausea and turbulence I experience at work.
"
64736,"I caught a computer virus once. My thumbnails fell off...
"
143715,"Whats that when you keep moving constantly produces something white ? Its toothbrush dear dirty minded people..
"
112768,"TIL I'm hung like a baby. 7 lbs. 9 oz.
"
171822,"Life is like a penis. It's soft and squishy until a girl comes along and makes it hard.
"
202259,"I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.
"
216244,"3 legged bear..... There was a 3 legged bear in the woods, sad as it was he ran into a one legged bear from Alaska - he was the 3 legged bears polar opposite.
"
216268,"Did you hear about the goblin whose left arm and left leg cut off? Guess what he's alright now!
"
39444,"Why does Yasuo never get locked out? Because he always """"hasaki!""""
"
210931,"A toilet seat left up in the ladies room can only mean one thing. Lady cocks.
"
104682,"What is a Detective's favourite pastry? The Tooth Hurts Donut!
"
3911,"Damn girl, are you my cable remote? Because you are weirdly designed and very confusing, and does this row of buttons even do anything?
"
32339,"A talking penguin walked into a bar and the bartender said: """"Hey, we have a drink named after you!"""" And the penguin responded: """"Why do you have a drink named Bill?""""
"
146298,"Breaking up with Japanese Girl Was Hard... I recently had to break up with my girlfriend who was Japanese and it was hard, I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.
"
18913,"They say faith can't move mountains But I've seen what it can do to skyskrapers
"
193337,"Did you hear about the butt fetishist who finally convinced his girlfriend to peg him? It made his hole weak.
"
113613,"So Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?
"
73273,"what if family matters took place today.... urkel would make an app. laura would have a blog. eddie listens to podcasts. carl is on atkins
"
91301,"[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire] it's alright guys i got this one. *whips out a flamethrower* TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
"
36940,"Resistance training But me dragging my kids into school.
"
168867,"I wrote a Haiku Poetry is hard Like Mr. Jared Fogle At a kid's party
"
16847,"My 5 stages of grief: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Are you gonna eat that?
"
80511,"What's a pedophile's favorite musical score? The Magic Flute in A Minor
"
215605,"Cross posted to r/Christianity
"
136454,"What is the difference between British and American schoolchildren? British schoolchildren survive hide-and-seek.
"
22762,"*Getting a tattoo* Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you're using a regular pen on your spare time?
"
150000,"I hired a golf pro to tell me what's wrong with my tee shots He said I was standing too close to the ball, after I hit it.
"
184485,"Why did I break up with my spare change? It was too clingy
"
70335,"Why does Japan have such a low obesity rate? They don't want to see their little boy grow into a fat man.
"
57234,"where are opie and anthony from? ethiopia
"
40390,"Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
"
212868,"Why do single men live longer than married men? Because they want to.
"
49835,"What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov? I'm putin' that guy to sleep
"
192784,"*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall* Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home Me: I'm sorr... *A sippy cup starts crying*
"
186482,"What happened to the gay couple that mistook Vaseline for wallpaper paste? Their wallpaper fell down!
"
139794,"Hank Hill is into BDSM because he is Pro-pain.
"
21410,"Why don't the blind bungee jump? Because it scares the fuck out of the dogs.
"
13806,"What did the Japanese General say to his kamikaze trainee? Despite what everyone tells you, you'll never learn from your mistakes.
"
55324,"I've never been carded at a Forever 21.
"
211299,"When you have sex you burn 1000 calories. No wonder you're so fat.
"
200069,"Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
"
144575,"What do men and linoleum have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years to come.
"
125818,"Pirate with steering wheel for belt buckle """"Arrr, it's driving me nuts!""""
"
9520,"""""I high fived a shark, and then we ate burritos."""" - Martin Luther King Jr.'s other dream.
"
108809,"I am an actual real house cat. After I take a bong-hit I SWEAR I can type in English for about 60 secmeow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
"
66612,"I may have hit rock bottom, but the upside of being down here, is I can see up all of your skirts. As you were.
"
228450,"There's a technical term for a sunny warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
"
38400,"What's the best part about having sex with 28-year-olds? There are 20 of them.
"
157396,"All subjects can be funny with the right delivery, Except abortion jokes. Which by definition have no delivery.
"
144502,"Never serve bad food at a bris Otherwise the rabbi won't leave a tip
"
173583,"Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It's not a bulb it's a globe.
"
36862,"What lies on the bottom of the ocean and sweats? A nervous wreck...
"
130947,"How do you call a dog without legs? you don't you go and grab him
"
172874,"Doctor Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking Do you drink a lot? Not really - I spill most of it!
"
226124,"I've been shoveling manure all day So don't give me any bullshit.
"
4552,"If she eats pizza with a fork, she isn't going to like being bent over the dining room table.
"
115125,"And this pickup line is broght to you by Budweiser.... And this pickup line is broght to you by Budweiser: ---Budweiser: and who do we have here, standing so pretty and so quiet?
"
144371,"What's a down-side of being a paedophile? You have to go to bed early.
"
53026,"What's the difference between a chickpee and a garbanzo bean? I'd never let a garbanzo bean on my face
"
205837,"What do they call a virgin down in the south? Faster than her brother!
"
163180,"How do you spot a modern spider ? He doesn't have a web he had a website !
"
161212,"A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel in the front of his pants. The bartender asks """"isn't that bothering you?"""" The pirate replies """"aye, it be driving me nuts.""""
"
2118,"I just bought shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
"
120270,"Why did the thieves get caught after robbing the Louvre? Cause they didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the van Gogh.
"
55234,"Cheer up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president , until after serving 27 years in prison .
"
44129,"What did one ghost say to the other? Do you believe in people?
"
58532,"What did the gay Frenchman say to his boyfriend right before sucking his dick? Boner appetit.
"
10972,"When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
"
111400,"I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I'd try my best to take that thing home.
"
67586,"Figurative digits When is a 2 literally a 6? When it has metaphor.
"
147145,"Sometimes programming gets dirty... holes[h].insert(new Objects.ConcretePillar(),  new Vec2());
"
28274,"What do you call a pig that votes? Polled pork.
"
213857,"What do you call a European using the bathroom? 'You're-a-peein""""
"
68706,"OMG! THERE'S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! """"OMG."""" Wtf are you doing?! """"HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!""""
"
65749,"Like that scene in 'The Revenant' where Leo is mauled by the bear but it's just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
"
96020,"I met a Buffalo Sabers fan once.
"
196009,"It makes more sense to dump Gatorade on the losing head coach.
"
107849,"What is a horse's favorite condiment? MayoNEIGHS
"
150788,"Why did the lead singer of Drowning Pool lose his job at Starbucks? HE LET BISCOTTI HIT THE FLOOR
"
148882,"My dog is sleeping soundly now that I've removed myself from his king sized bed.
"
171910,"What do you call the Asian-Mexican master race from outer space? Illegal Aryans
"
5352,"Thinking that you're on speaking terms with God is like finding out you've been playing both parts in an episode of """"Catfish""""
"
105301,"To the people comparing Rachel Dolezal pretending to be black to Caitlyn Jenner being trans... Transrachel isn't the same as transjenner.
"
207432,"Y'know, the KKK actually do have some good points on their hats
"
208959,"A man asked Robin Hood, """"would you rob from the rich to give to the poor?"""" To which he replied, """"I Sher-would.""""
"
220909,"A man walked into a bar and a Midget walked into a Bollard
"
38295,"What is it called when Batman leaves church? Christian Bale... 
"
61799,"what did my sperm get for easter? an egg hunt!
"
49428,"I told a Catholic girl my penis is named Jesus... ...because it always rises on the third date.
"
88737,"If you're a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven't been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney...then why the hell are you Mormon?
"
231183,"National Survey Reports Pi day as America's Third-Most Underrated Holiday To me it's a little bit more than that.
"
169122,"What is the creepiest letter of the alphabet? V. Because no matter where you are, any time of any day, no matter what you do, V always follows U.
"
196310,"Apparently, Isaac Asimov wrote a book about jokes and puns called Treasury of Humor I laughed my Asimov when I was reading it
"
48796,"The genie sang that whole song about how he's gonna be Aladdin's best friend ever right in front of the monkey
"
142434,"Did you know that chickens die after they have sex? Well.. at least the one I had sex with did.
"
24040,"[first date] GIRL: When you said """"fitness freak"""" in your profile, this isn't what I expected HALF-MAN/HALF-TREADMILL: It was an old photo
"
125173,"I have too much stuff in my closet, so no one can be certain Tom Cruise isn't hanging out in there, too.
"
179426,"I was going to go check out r/TwoX..... but it's just a bunch of pussies there
"
35536,"Is that a banana in your pocket or... oh wait that is a banana. Sir I'm with super market security. Please come with me.
"
167398,"Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely. Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
"
20315,"Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? He's all right now.
"
179356,"Well I finally solved my drinking problem, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous Yeah I still drink, I just use a different name, that's all (Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield on The Johnny Carson Show)
"
189429,"Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
"
114972,"Fish didn't start smelling till women started swimming Title
"
158083,"A fish hits a wall ... Dam wall!!
"
121301,"If you're not using Social Media to spout your uninformed opinion then you're totally missing the point of the Internet.
"
163336,"George Washington's bark was from the same tree as his bite.
"
49075,"I opened my fortune-cookie. There was nothing inside. Does that mean i have no future?
"
145239,"I shot a frog once. It croaked.
"
36366,"Say what you will about censorship on Reddit [removed]
"
17737,"I just love rehydrated raisins They're grape.
"
38666,"It really doesn't matter what the tattoo across your collar bone says. All I see is """"My Dad Never Went To My Little League Games Sober.""""
"
190511,"What do you call a boat that won't float? Bloated.
"
89721,"Why don't witches wear a flat cap? There's no point to it
"
211442,"Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair? Because if they dragged them by the ankles, they'd fill up with muck.
"
8287,"asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it's her floss
"
68137,"What's the difference between a women's argument and a knife? The knife has a point !
"
224710,"Ruin a hipster's day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
"
99307,"I'm Scottish and my son is marrying a Jewish girl. I'm afraid their kids will leave me penniless.
"
150189,"I don't understand why we use the word 'late' to describe someone who died, what were they late for? The funeral?
"
104483,"I'm not a racist.... I'm not a racist, Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people. Also Whats black and doesn't work? Half of london
"
55347,"The first computer can be traced back as far as Adam and Eve It was an Apple with extremely limited memory: just one bite. Then everything crashed.
"
124164,"If Shakespeare were alive today, he'd write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
"
96480,"GOOD COP: He won't talk except in sign language BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
"
85975,"We now have tortilla chips shaped as functional shovels to minimize calories burned when scooping junk into our mouths. Your move, diabetes
"
77985,"Why didn't Rick Grimes settle his group in an abandoned senior center? Too many walkers.
"
131732,"My financial situation is so bad, I'M being sponsored by a child in Africa
"
173913,"What do you call a shitty city? Turd Furgeson
"
198637,"Old witch: Now I know you want a job with me.  Do you tell lies? Young witch: No but I can pick it up.
"
17850,"I can't fall asleep/So I think of some haikus/I should go tweet one!
"
157229,"A termite walks into a bar... Is the bar tender here?
"
64205,"Know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets.
"
84255,"What do you call an Asian lady sitting on a fence with no arms or legs? Pai-Ling
"
217631,"I like my coffee like I like my women. In the kitchen.
"
160218,"Kenya? Yukon.
"
110392,"Yo mommas so fat You can see her from more than 2 meters away in a hyperbolic plane.
"
102111,"What do baby parabola drink? Their Quadratic Formula!
"
118988,"Did you hear about that AMA that guy with two dicks did? Yeah, I already . . . . . Reddit
"
125113,"My robotics company will make SexBots Gonna call ourselves *Gears of Whore*.
"
127791,"What's wet on the inside, hairy on the outside, starts with C and ends in T? Coconut.
"
98665,"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: """" I'm tired ."""" """"I'm washing my hair."""" """"I've got a headache."""" """"I am your sister-in-law.""""
"
96662,"Quitting tobacco is not that hard I do it several times a year
"
13650,"LPT How to beat morning wood I find my right hand does the job quite nicely.
"
61406,"Why don't astronauts take anything seriously? They don't grasp the gravity of the situation...
"
146807,"Joke of the Month What do you say when people tell you June is already over?
"
31651,"My girlfriend told me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. [NSFW] So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the nose
"
65716,"How many chans does it take to change a lightbulb? Lulz!!! etc etc etc :-D
"
14043,"Knock knock. """"Who's there?"""" Christopher Walken. """"Christopher Walken who?"""" Christopher Walken and then walk out after his weird cameo.
"
199904,"How does a coat steal something? They jacket
"
171690,"Did you guys hear about the murderer who stole a train in Mexico? They say he had a loco motive.
"
142772,"Engineering Class My teacher tells me there are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't...
"
126217,"Never trust an Atom They make up everything.
"
185939,"I'd like to thank the floor, for always catching me when I'm falling down.
"
62380,"Me: this is shit, I'm changing the channel Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
"
100977,"So I'm holding the door for this Japanese guy... He looks over to me and says """"Sank you!"""" Can't believe he just brought up Pearl Harbor like that.
"
229490,"If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : """"He said, stupidly.""""
"
90178,"Yo momma so fat, when she wants to take a bath... She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water.
"
16280,"what's the difference between a vagina and your joke? Nothing. They both stink!
"
65439,"A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
"
84721,"it's my birthday today. IK Fuck you too.
"
153361,"I turned into a cat earlier. Don't ask meow.
"
37445,"Almost arrested for drugs and rape """"I didn't take the drugs, i feed the drugs to the girls than raped them"""" -Bill cosby
"
68284,"At some point Princess Peach needs to look in the mirror and ask herself what she can do to prevent getting abducted so frequently
"
27384,"*wife offers me a sip of her water* m: Am I gonna catch what you have? w: No m: w: m: Are you sur- w: You're not going to get my period!
"
71633,"Why is a creative writing workshop the first step when training to become a firefighter? Prose before Hose
"
72491,"The best way to respond when a girl asks you if she's fat is to fake a seizure.
"
20781,"Don't pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
"
230860,"Two fish swim into a concrete wall... The one fish turns to the other and says, """"Dam.""""
"
102485,"Why did the boy want to see a thunder storm in Greece? Because Greece lightening
"
120250,"Man, boobs are amazing!
"
134400,"What did it say on the former chairman of the Hypochondriac Association's tombstone? Told you!
"
47751,"I like dating black girls because...... ...I hate meeting dads
"
126448,"My mother went to college. My mother had a strong career. My mother has traveled the world. My mother talks to the TV as if it's listening.
"
154271,"X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup...
"
137805,"Mufasa didn't die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper. - The Lyin' King
"
7424,"What did T say to reassure V? """"Don't worry. I'm right behind U.""""
"
123246,"What is long and hard that a Australian bride gets in her wedding night? Dick
"
88377,"Why are the """"sans"""" family of fonts so serious? No one wants to be comic sans.
"
69094,"HER: Let me know when you get your shit together. ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
"
155354,"What animal should you never play cards with? A cheetah
"
102261,"*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower* me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?
"
174930,"Q: How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!! YOU DON'T KNOW!!!
"
82448,"What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One says ribbit ribbit the other one says rub-it rub-it!
"
95845,"Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
"
121934,"How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 
"
36161,"Will reddit let me get by with this one? What do the WWE and CNN have in common? They're both fake, but sometimes people still get hurt.
"
78520,"When the Chinese fill out government forms... Under """"Occupation"""" do they write """"Tibet""""?
"
113016,"What did Tony Abbott do when he heard Denmark had surplus wind power ? Cut funding for wind power in Australia
"
69741,"kanye west slowly pacing around the room to avoid a bee but insisting that he's not scared of it
"
162345,"My friend owns a bakery Last week it burnt down Now his business is TOAST
"
113691,"My cute kitten Aww, wrong sub.
"
16392,"When I hear the Christmas song about nuts roasting on an open fire, my testicles move into a defensive formation.
"
195407,"I consider myself somewhat of a pussy magnet... ...I just need to learn how to change the polarity.
"
202268,"Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I'll immediately be alerted...
"
37447,"As a tall person... Study finds that shorter men will live longer but taller men have a higher shelf life.
"
66598,"Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank
"
54423,"Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren't getting along.
"
21813,"Hear about Harrison Fords plane crash? I guess he shouldn't have been..... (_) ( _)&gt;- (_) Flying solo.
"
7180,"Joined Match.com... And all I got was a lit cigarette
"
184931,"What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup? A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.
"
109271,"I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren't really my 'thing'.
"
69644,"I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
"
151553,"I updated my drivers on my laptop and now I have all kinds of pop ups...thanks Microsoft!
"
42062,"Why do flower beds have mulch? So you can't see their underplants.
"
31288,"You're exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
"
9616,"If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you're part of the problem And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
"
78281,"a photon checks into a hotel... And the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage and he replies, """"no, I'm traveling light.""""
"
49633,"I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.
"
224889,"ME: [screaming into the void] THE VOID: please untag me from this thread
"
148175,"A kid looks up from his phone... ....
"
112323,"My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
"
74862,"Just remember that whatever you put up with, you end up with.
"
155619,"does anybody have any funny quotes from the new Anchorman movie that they'd like to share for the next seven to eight years
"
66903,"Drayman green pushing to go to game five... if you push back he'll hit you in the nuts.
"
172098,"My friend asked me if i want some Sodium Bromate. But I said : """"NaBrO""""
"
12232,"Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis? *Biden raises hand* Obama: besides assembling the Avengers? *Biden lowers hand*
"
73094,"There are 10 types on people in the world Those that understand binary code and those that don't.
"
74444,"Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare* DC: Which room will you be working out in? Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
"
231573,"OC that I came up with whilst daydreaming: Why is there no sofa in the forbidden kingdom? ... because Mao is more of a chair man!
"
55863,"After the tsunamis in Japan a while back, my Japanese girlfriend dumped me. It's okay though, there were plenty more in the sea.
"
195724,"What would you call an EDM producer on a flagpole? Datsik but not dat well.
"
32552,"A dyslexic man walks into a bra.... Then he apologized to the woman he bumped into.
"
22687,"How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea Me: *rocks boat* Her: Hey! Me: *rocks faster* Her: Can we PLEASE go steady? Me: I do.
"
128624,"How to be Productive: 1.) Make a list 2.) Cross off the first thing on your list 3.) Reward yourself with a nap
"
69483,"What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night? I've trapped it in my bedroom, send help...
"
112207,"What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
"
109404,"What do you call it when your computer gets infected with a keylogger, a rootkit and half a dozen backdoors? A free upgrade
"
35408,"Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Ahh, those were the days...
"
219632,"All these years and the """"insert thumb and lift"""" tab on macaroni and cheese boxes is still lying to us.
"
18460,"[Sci fi movie] How did you travel such a distance so fast? """"I went through a wormhole."""" Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
"
147432,"What do you call the smallest Superman in the world?.. Quark Kent.
"
80289,"What did T-Rex say after doing yoga for the first time? dinosore
"
117753,"Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
"
169795,"I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin! It squashed all of my doubts... And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
"
128055,"It would be funny if, with everyone freaking out about global warming we ended up dying in a good old 60s throwback nuclear war with Russia.
"
55311,"What's the difference between a guy falling from the 20th or the 1st floor of a building? 20th floor fall goes: *Aaaaaah, BAM!* 1st floor fall goes: *BAM, Aaaaah!*
"
86739,"Why did the tree look pissed off all the time? It had Resting Birch Face.
"
175845,"Beaver 1: our house has been flooded... Beaver 2: dam
"
55113,"What's the difference between a Soap Opera and a Trailer Park? A Trailer park has much more interesting drama and less than a third of those pesky white teeth.
"
15515,"What does the narcissistic cow say? Moooo! Cuz it's a cow
"
9585,"No, sweetie. You can't see the moon with vernaculars.
"
77138,"What do you call a doctor for websites? A URLologist
"
219910,"If I were a superhero, I'd be Pizza Man. My one-liners would be cheesy, and I'd save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.
"
168884,"how do you drown a blonde? put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool
"
170665,"I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
"
199626,"Sign: """"No alcohol past this point."""" Translation: Bet you can't chug this entire beer, right now.
"
89796,"If Jack helps you off a horse... Would you help jack off a horse?
"
51683,"How can you tell if you're at a gay picnic? The hot dogs taste like shit.
"
68146,"Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other... How do we drive this thing?
"
79914,"*Hunts and Kills Winnie the Pooh *Hunts and Kills Pepe Le Pew *Cooks both in stew *Serves Pooh Pew Platter
"
16383,"Do old men wear boxers or briefs? Depends.
"
160051,"Tweeting angrily about issues does nothing. If you really want to make a difference, you have to get out there and sign an online petition.
"
79897,"A woman once said that a cheating man is like a deck of playing cards.... You need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his fucking head in, and a spade to bury the bastard
"
214226,"There are 10 kinds of people Those who know binary and those who don't
"
141034,"How do weathermen get up a mountain? They climate.
"
163171,"What do bulimic stone masons do? Binge and parge.
"
5670,"You say """"tomato,"""" I say """"tomato,"""" and there, we've written our own wedding vows
"
230295,"What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common? They both barely cover an asshole.
"
2852,"Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't fucking know. Chickens don't even know what roads are he probably thought it was a field.
"
170491,"What has two legs and bleeds? half a dog
"
59115,"Why do farts smell so bad? So the deaf can enjoy them too.
"
26048,"My sister would make a great politician... ...she avoids directly answering questions and always leads the blame to someone else, whether she has proof or not.
"
177404,"Did you hear about the hillbilly who was called to testify in court? When he spoke you could only see the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
"
51725,"I wonder how many crimes The Muppets have kermitted.
"
29679,"You know what is blown out of proportions? Overweight suicide bombers.
"
226305,"How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night? He used a skeleton key.
"
99894,"Do you know why all the girls are quiet in the sauna? They are sitting on their lips!
"
121807,"Diarrhea is hereditary. Apparently it runs in your jeans.
"
139730,"He just gave me his last bit of bacon. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. It was a proposal right?
"
197816,"Knock knock Who's there? Allah. Allah who? Allah who akbar!
"
77156,""""" Wake up, little Suuuzzie, wake up """" - The Everly Brothers accidentally kill another hooker
"
174015,"Where's the biggest shopping center in Europe? Malldova
"
82276,"What was Pablo Escobar's favourite pool party game? Narco Polo.
"
45360,"Heard about the new game of thrones app? It's good but I heard it might CUT OFF your wifi connectivity
"
85523,"In the middle east its hard to tell who's crazy, And Hussein.
"
37497,"Little Monster: I hate my teacher. Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!
"
152294,"Q: Why did the baker rob the bank? A: He needed the dough.
"
64625,"If I was a fashion designer Id call myself """"who"""" so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say """"Who?"""" """"Yes who?"""" """"Yes.""""
"
221017,"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
"
123635,"What is that thing, which the maker cannot use, and the user cannot see? Coffin
"
152892,"How is a bell obedient? It sounds off only when it is told (tolled).
"
8483,"I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
"
76203,"*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation* """"Technically we're all under the weather today unless you're an astronaut in orbit""""
"
202557,"Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
"
113987,"What do you call a dog that goes to the beach? Ballroom blitz
"
63985,"Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide!
"
104012,"My husband: It'd be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner. Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
"
171028,"How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? Six. Why? IT JUST DOES, OK!?!?
"
59179,"This is the most offensive joke I know What's the best part about having sex with a six year old? Watching her fall apart on the witness stand.
"
188500,"""""I just left my job. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me."""" Friend: """"What did he say."""" Me: """"You're fired.""""
"
37907,"My wife just told me she read all 1800 of my tweets. I feel like I did when I was 10 and my mom found that magazine under the mattress....
"
67769,"Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
"
229086,"When my friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo... ...I had to put my foot down.
"
9693,"I swapped my wife's parachute around with her backpack. Now when the bitch goes on her stupid camping holiday, all she will have is a parachute. *copypaste from sickipedia.org*
"
177867,"For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did... I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.
"
16627,"Why couldn't JFK become a boxer? Because he couldn't take a shot to the head.
"
217445,"Did you hear about the Holy Cow? Some say he was legend-dairy.
"
75384,"I freak out when i don't see the L and R marks on headphones. There's no way I'm taking that risk.
"
180962,"How much does a flight to Rio cost? A Brazilian dollars.
"
90362,"Alright let's hear them. Your best and favorite knock knock jokes. Me: I have a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it. Person: Knock knock Me: Who's there
"
18838,"Sometimes on a clear cool night I look at the stars for hours and wonder what cool things I'd be doing if my Internet weren't down.
"
96714,"Sheep Jokes are baad.
"
195860,"How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one. We are very efficient and not very funny...
"
207041,"Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
"
37502,"Cavemen were smarter than we think. Do you know why cavemen dragged their women around by the hair? It was so they wouldn't fill up with rocks.
"
116013,"Why does Mexico never win the Olympics? Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim already left.
"
202164,"What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out.
"
166084,"My next door Neighbour's Daughter said that when she gets older she wants to marry me. I was touched. A few minutes later, so was she.
"
200730,"I wish I could unhinge my jaw so when the dentist says """"open wide,"""" I could really wow him.
"
75817,"Hello! my name is Linus Q: What do you call a person who has lost all hope? ------------------------------------------------------------- A: Linus
"
49655,"[DATE] ME: I'm a literature buff HER: who do you read? ME: read? *cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
"
114362,"I'm going to grab 'em by the pussy. Don't downvote me!! I'm being """"presidential""""
"
203079,"Why did the woman get stoned off her ass? Sharia Law.
"
129561,"Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
"
59281,"Aspirin is a Placebo!!! That sense of relief you're feeling is all in your head.
"
115017,"What's the difference between Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan? Caesar: """"I came, I saw, I conquered."""" Khan: """"I conquered, I saw, I came.""""
"
137604,"A balding person in denial is probably like maybe it's all in my head.
"
160952,"What do you get if you cross a bee with a  parrot? An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!
"
70716,"I don't understand why we give bad kids coal. Isn't coal what minors want?
"
113487,"I just saw two blind and deaf lesbians walking down the street with their hands down one anothers knickers.....I think they were lip reading?
"
211643,"I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they're hatching some kind of evil plan.
"
50866,"What did the hippie say when he was asked to leave the party? """"Namaste""""
"
185644,"I asked my professor how long my paper should be. He said it should be like a woman's skirt... Long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting.
"
147176,"Whoever thought of appetizers was literally like """"we should pregame this food w more food"""" and I think that's really beautiful
"
197722,"What does a sign on a out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we're closed.
"
194010,"What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day
"
139222,"Bill Cosby played running back at Temple University. They were a real sleeper this season finishing 10-3.
"
203794,"Photographers are the worst! They frame you, then shoot you, then hang you on the wall.
"
171592,"The Human Centipede review I found it a little tongue-in-cheek... Source: Dad
"
12614,"Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him.
"
214998,"To impress a girl on a 1st date, rent a Ferrari. Then drive it off a bridge & try to save her. If you can't, whatever, you drove a Ferrari.
"
102974,"Anybody else always feel at least a little panic when their 6 says he """"really needs scissors, like right now!""""?
"
15044,"He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
"
136718,"This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I'm just going to let him die.
"
168958,"A man was admitted to the ER with 6 small plastic horses up his bum... ...doctors described his condition as """"stable"""".
"
124924,"Why did the sloths vote to keep the coal mines open? Because when it comes to energy they're conservative.
"
211231,"Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.
"
74192,"I don't think I'm racist but... ...the KKK all look the same to me
"
187990,"Tons of guys wave at me when I drive my wife's car.
"
26616,"Non-Racist black joke What do you call four black men in a red sleeping bag? A Kit-Kat.
"
61050,"The Supreme Court is like regular court but with sour creme, guacamole and extra cheese.
"
100242,"I was going to make a gay joke... Butt fuck it.
"
158057,"I'm sick and tired of the jokes on this sub, so I'm going to kill my foot. Yeah, that's right. I'm putting my foot down.
"
223591,"A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
"
56469,"What does a Jewish turtle say when it first meets someone? SHELLom
"
201459,"Hey, same-height couples. You're weird. Everyone thinks so.
"
208801,"I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I'm a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
"
76249,"The guy at the grocery store just asked if I brought my reusable bag with me and I told him its none of his business where my girlfriend is
"
142539,"Why did the whale have to go see his doctor? His diet was krill-in him.
"
44082,"What did the grand child say to his drowning grandpa? Paddle Pop!
"
32278,"What do a gynecologist and a pizza guy have in common Both get to smell the goods, but not eat them
"
205668,"What did terrorist say to my friend Jack? Hi Jack!
"
135400,"Why did the creepy hipster get arrested? because he was following people before instagram
"
215575,"What's Spider-Man's least favourite rice brand? Uncle Ben's...
"
154491,"Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
"
129187,"Why do you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp? She's probably thick and tired of it.
"
109312,"r/ best """"I like my ( ) like I like my ( )"""" I like my women how I like my natural resources, Foreign and Untapped. Top that and you win rule of the internet #899
"
22992,"YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u
"
147944,"What do you call a Mexican rolling in sand? A churro.
"
59640,"My girlfriend and I went to the Renaissance fair and saw a minstrel get cut in the arm He's gonna be okay though, my girlfriend had just the thing to stop the flow of minstrel blood
"
159920,"What's a Scientologist's favourite piece of furniture in Rivendell? Elrond's cupboard.
"
149195,"As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
"
138006,"What's the difference... What's the difference between a bowling ball and menstrual blood clots? You can't gargle a bowling ball.
"
88581,"My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.
"
172775,"What lives in gum trees ? Stick insects !
"
146536,"Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn't graduate college.
"
226397,"You Gotta Hand It to Leprechauns Because they Can't Reach It!
"
107092,"Where do Na'vi go when they get hurt? ICU
"
166962,"Confucius say virginity like giant bubble One prick, all gone
"
60296,"How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good? Stick a nipple on it.
"
14511,"Mean jokes are like children with cancer. They never grow old.
"
55612,"I always hear voices when I go for a poo. Shitzophrenia.
"
105176,"Why do farts smell? so deaf people can enjoy them too.
"
84663,"What kind of guns do bees use? BeeBee guns
"
186207,"What do you call it when you make fun of someone's gambling addiction? Slot shaming.
"
177167,"If your boyfriend doesn't buy you chocolates today, it's probably because he thinks you're fat.
"
22117,"Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, was he?
"
61920,"Why did Cinderella get kicked off the Basketball team? Cause she ran away from the ball
"
39338,"What did the alien say when his flying saucer landed in a stud farm? Take me to your breeder !
"
74043,"Doctor talking to a woman Doctor says: It looks like you're pregnant. Woman says: I'm pregnant? Doctor says: No, it just looks like you're pregnant.
"
129695,"Joke from my young cousin Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is black.
"
152278,"[on phone] mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it 'pokey-man'
"
150102,"I'm so tired I could eat a horse.
"
157887,"This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.
"
197714,"""""I think that kid's a robot"""" What? """"Look at his mouth"""" Relax they're just braces *backs away slowly* """"That's exactly what a robot would say""""
"
219447,"Did you guys see the movie about the hotdog? It was an Oscar Wiener
"
15255,"""""I feel like 790,000 bucks!!"""" Said a woman feeling like a million bucks.
"
59754,"How does Donald Trump start his favorite joke? Two Corinthians walk into a bar...
"
145093,"To be honest, Adolf Hitler was a hero... Afterall, he was the one who killed Adolf Hitler.
"
222025,"Any salad can be a Caesar salad. You just need to stab it enough times.
"
24829,"Why does Popeye have such huge forearms? Olive Oil is a virgin
"
50473,"This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
"
87170,"It's because you have a penis for a face... Oh, I thought you asked me why no one likes you.
"
181135,"Where did the farmer find his missing baby horse? In the foliage.
"
140465,"What denomination are the coins in Super Mario Bros? They're dollar coins, because a quarter is two bits, which means a dollar is 8 bits.
"
61433,"A blonde a brunette and Ellen Pao walk into a bar... This content has been censored by Ellen Pao because it was harassing her personal interests
"
143978,"I saw a shop called Lasting Impressions, they sell brass knuckles.
"
146356,"NAZI: I'm a Nazi MEDIA: How controversial NAZI: I said I was a Nazi MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
"
124786,"I went to see an evening of vegetables doing stand-up last night. It wasn't to my taste though - too many crudites
"
4247,"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, a comma has a pause and the end of it's clause.
"
224068,"How does Steve Irwin open a lock made of tears? With a """"Cry-key!""""
"
112108,"Our son came home one day with a note from his first grade teacher: Your son bit another boy today. Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
"
96477,"What did the victims of a month-delayed April Fool's prank feel? Dismay.
"
28016,"Whats a really famous corn? Pop corn. Get it? like e.g, pop stars
"
138995,"[OC]What do you call a shrunken walrus? A smallrus.
"
182048,"I'm in a constant battle between wanting a hot body and wanting a hot fudge sundae.
"
66754,"astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours so they decided to call it a day
"
222635,"What's the difference between a cup and a mug? being cupped is far more pleasurable than being mugged
"
151292,"The only thing worse than Friday the 13th, is Monday the 13th
"
175339,"What do you call a bikini clad conspiracy theorist? An illumi-hotty!
"
83696,"What did the feminist Jedi say to Darth Tyrannus? """"Check your Force privileges, Sith Lord!""""
"
4358,"Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
"
206263,"This guy was so computer illiterate... When told to turn on a computer, he asked where he's supposed to rub it. :P
"
212870,"Well no wonder we haven't cured cancer yet. Our standard for the """"best medicine"""" is laughter.
"
216151,"Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.
"
106734,"I'll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
"
171804,"Why do the French have so many civil wars? So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)
"
226487,"My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose... I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!
"
176983,"What does Spiderman do when he's not fighting crime? Web Development.
"
92392,"The year is 2072. Numbers have lost all meaning. It could be 3247 for all they know. """"It's "" says one guy, but it could've been 8 guys.
"
189265,"What fruit/vegetable doesnt leave your body through the anus? A Stomato
"
7906,"I recently entered a blindfolded masturbation competition... I haven't seen the results yet so I've no idea where I came...
"
176231,"What do Chinese monks eat? qis.
"
176429,"My friend and I are playing a game.. So my friend and I are currently playing a game. The person who is hated the most by the Reddit community loses. Well, to put it simply.. I just lost the game.
"
149349,"Why did the Double A battery die after 5 years? It has two lower case a's
"
53868,"I went to the optometrist the other day and he told me I was colourblind... It came right out of the purple
"
134829,"What has six legs two arms four eyes and a  tail? A man holding an aardvark.
"
145674,"Shout out to Debra on Facebook for saving lives by letting everyone know that the snow is slippery.
"
43153,"Where does Noah keep his bees? In the Ark Hives
"
72624,"My neighbor is a veterinarian I can never tell whether he's talking about putting an animal to sleep or the """"youth in Asia.""""
"
207313,"What do you call an old man selling plums? An entrepruner.
"
127535,"""""your whole family suffers from chronic constipation?!"""" no shit.
"
40049,"I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked.
"
76200,"Got EM DEEZ NUTZ
"
28425,"John supper in spanish is JUAN CENA ^^^^^^^^edit: ^^^^^^^^apparently ^^^^^^^^its ^^^^^^^^juan ^^^^^^^^cena
"
152233,"3-year-old: Where do people go when they die? Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not? 3: It's full of dead people.
"
60854,"*races to airport *hurdles though security *sees her at boarding gate *shouts her name *romantic music swells I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
"
134996,"Don't forget about bald guys living vicariously through their beards.
"
141918,"What did the blind man say when he arrived at the fish market? """"Hello, ladies.""""
"
143510,"Whats worse than 10 babies nailed to 1 tree? 1 baby nailed to 10 trees.
"
51290,"For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine. Only used once.
"
185957,"What do you call a dinosaur with good dental hygiene? A flossiraptor
"
123374,"Why did the boy throw a clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
"
218410,"Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
"
209222,"Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it's free range bitch!
"
105578,"LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
"
115983,"I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today.. On the front they say 'I would do anything for love' and on the back they say 'But I wont do that!'
"
71334,"I want to make a puzzle that says """"Get a job"""" after its completed.
"
172342,"What did the chemist say when his girlfriend cheated on him? Dy Ho
"
164432,"I cherish a gift a dying friend gave me, strange as it is. With his last breath of life, he gave me his EpiPen. It seemed very important that I have it.
"
133197,"A blonde takes her dress into the dry cleaners... On the way out the lady at the counter says """"Come again!"""" The blonder replies """"No, this time it's toothpaste you nosy bitch!""""
"
219309,"Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she's in charge of North Korea.
"
204722,"difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist spends there time looking up old family and a gynecologist spends time looks up old friends!
"
80490,"After I changed sex, my daughter has been ignoring me.. It seems like I'm transparent
"
201230,"What's the different between a pilot and a pepperoni pizza? I give a shit when my pizza is burnt.
"
183399,"My wife fell down a wishing well... I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
"
178174,"What happens when a man of jewish descent runs into a wall with an erection? He breaks his nose.
"
114253,"I just remembered the fuck out of the titans.
"
63444,"There's a doping scandal at the Rio de Janeiro Paralympics involving the Russians. We will see if these accusation stories have any legs.
"
178653,"What do you call a person who worships Doritos? A Chipmonk.
"
203055,"There are 10 types of people... too highbrow? There are 10 types of people... those who know binary, those who don't and those who understand off-by-one errors.
"
79924,"Driving in London
"
131652,"I heard my lawnmower was going on a rampage... It was going on a *grass*acre [Grass acre, grass massacre](#spoiler)
"
182622,"What did the zit say to the other zit while they were making love? Yeah you like that you dirty pore?
"
229011,"Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.
"
93763,"At what age do you think it's appropriate... ...to tell a highway it's adopted?
"
209421,"TIFU by falling asleep on the john at noon. I meant Job. I fell asleep on the Job. :D :D
"
33951,"Now that I have teenagers I understand why some animals eat their young.
"
115742,"Next Battlefield map set in Nepal. It's made using groundbreaking technology.
"
94129,"Being in a vortex Must really suck
"
143894,"I'm not a quitter. """"Lights cigarette""""
"
105655,"New Urinals I'm not a fan of those new shaped urinals, went for a pee earlier and the fan just blew it everywhere!
"
64665,"How do you get heaps of pikachu on to a bus? You pokemon
"
181174,"How are burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend related? All come from not pulling out on time.
"
140472,"Rooney and Iniesta meet at the airport of Rio ...suddenly Pirlo appears and asks """"What are you guys doing here?"""" - """"Just waiting for Ronaldo""""
"
171376,"How does a redneck mom know her daughter is on the rag? Her son's dick tastes funny.
"
8210,"Job openings. A female HR calls a guy: Lady: Sir, I have two openings. Man: Yes, I know. The lady hangs up.
"
93663,"[walks up to coworker's desk] I know I don't say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.
"
112130,"Did you hear about the dyslexic atheistic insomniac? He lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
"
155179,"What is the biggest joke? Reddit.
"
100911,"Smoking causes a huge financial burden that's shared by all of us, so it only makes sense that they get a bunch of extra five minute breaks.
"
22534,"Luke, I am your uncle. Luke, I am your third cousin. Luke, I am your grandmother. - Skywalker family reunion
"
92005,"Dear Garment Manufacturers: Short Shorts should not come in a size 16. Warmest Regards, People with eyes.
"
229740,"There's that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell... Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?
"
53465,"Comas make a big difference in a sentence. For example: Ben is in a hurry Ben is in a coma
"
183697,"Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a 'more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug'.
"
185839,"My father's Texas joke A Texan gets pulled over for speeding. The officer says, """"You got an ID?"""" The Texan says, """"... about what?""""
"
133669,"You know whats sad? A depressed onion cutting itself.
"
3376,"At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think """"I wish I could be a shark"""".
"
84825,"What do you call a cook with ebowla espatula ill be here all night guys
"
138119,"unrelated but I believe strongly that Woody Woodpecker is a lesbian
"
28164,"Why do Catholics drink? ...because they're filled with the Holy Spirit
"
59342,"I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up
"
139176,"Diarrhea is hereditary.. It runs in your jeans.
"
114222,"An undertaker says to a bereaved husband When did you realise your wife was dead?' Well,' he replies, the sex was the same but the dishes just kept piling up...' from Internet.
"
43557,"Scientists thought they had found a limb of an ancient hominid... but it was just a fossil arm.
"
163427,"I like my coffee like my women... Piping hot and all over my lap in the McDonald's drive thru (backs away very slowly, opens door without turning around, lurks out...)
"
89341,"A blonde goes to a target And misses.
"
39358,"You know your life sucks when... Your job sucks, Your kids suck, And your wife doesn't.
"
148417,"What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?... ......Roberto
"
145210,"What did the guy who didn't like vegetables say? """"I don't really carrot all for vegetables.""""
"
104813,"Why do Canadians like number systems greater than Base-10? Because 7 8 9, A?
"
51316,"Show me someone who is """"cheery"""" in the morning and I will show you someone who probably knows how to dispose of a body.
"
26599,"Me: doctor doctor I cant stop fucking farting... Doctor: *runs out the room comes back with a ten foot pole*Me: OMG!!!!!!! what are you gonna do with that??? Doctor: OPEN UP A FEW FUCKING WINDOWS
"
65823,"my cousin's baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like """"im here lol. from baby""""
"
37081,"Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
"
190347,"[Arby's] BRO [jumping into car]: GO ME: it's lunch, not a bank heist B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag M: OMG I'm too pretty for jail
"
134465,"I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.
"
58168,"Can't Sleep Whenever my son can't sleep I tell him to count backwards from 100 to 0. He usually gets to about 80 before I pass out and can't hear anymore. Works every time.
"
202687,"Did you know that Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer? Too bad he never cries.
"
121233,"""""It feels like it was only 7 years ago"""" - dogs recalling memories
"
71011,"A man decides to go to the zoo There was only a dog there. It was a shih tzu.
"
123988,"The most Canadian sentence ever. Sorry aboot spilling too much maple syrup into your Tim Hortons coffee, eh?
"
84654,"How do you...? How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Give it aids.
"
175912,"Why do bad farmers make good DJs? Because they've got sick beets!
"
214540,"Honestly, I just want to see the bot try to explain this.
"
63503,"Staying at my daughter's place again this weekend. Can't wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there's a moth in my room.
"
53597,"Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided... ...if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.
"
36877,"Fucking cows... ...wouldn't recommend it.
"
210447,"Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
"
7840,"John Boehner is lucky Pope Francis didn't splash any holy water on him. He wouldn't have been crying. He would have burst into flames.
"
111360,"What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? one can wash their crack and re-sell it!
"
176958,"Did you hear about the guy who smashed up a Chinese restaurant? They put him in jail for wonton destruction.
"
40999,"What toy should you never buy a Jewish child? A Bulldozer!
"
21772,"What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces? Guacamole.
"
58271,"Why did Hitler not mind being on the naughty list? He needed more coal anyway.
"
81083,"Movember just reminds me that i inherited the inability to grow proper facial hair from my father... why couldn't i be more like my mom?
"
88008,"""""I really regret not taking up bow hunting"""" I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.
"
50680,"Instead of my usual Monday snark I'm going to be upbeat and have a great day LOLJK today will ass rape my spirit animal with its angry fist.
"
157935,"Label every torrent you upload with your e-mail address and other contact information so peers can thank you
"
225209,"My idea of a romantic dinner for two involves a surprising amount of papier-mache dinosaurs.
"
128134,"I was up late last night watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks... ...We were the finalists in a cream cheese staring competition.
"
212804,"What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.
"
41865,"*locks doors and rolls window down almost a quarter of the way* """"you fellas mind not skateboarding so close to my driveway""""
"
171914,"TIFU by having sex in an elevator
"
184165,"Why did Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia never get together? Because Luke was looking for love in Alderaan places!!
"
199319,"How does a penguin make a decision? Flipper coin. Again, I shall take my leave.
"
48776,"I'm going to stop eating beef from Colorado The steaks are too high
"
111648,"The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.
"
227428,"I saw a chameleon today... So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.
"
231143,"Sometimes I wake up Grumpy... other times I let her sleep.
"
226631,"A wise man once said that nothing really dies, it just comes back in a new form Then he died.
"
71555,"Why did the lawyer refuse to take payment when defending the lead singer of U2? Because he said he was pro Bono.
"
188407,"Know Thyself, said Jesus. in the biblical sense. Merry Christmas.
"
217080,"I do have a life outside of Facebook, but I don't remember the password for it.
"
75478,"There is one great thing about cancer It does a fantastic job of getting rid of those weird hairless kids.
"
213805,"Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? Dubai don't broadcast the Flintstones but AbuDhabidooooooooo
"
95354,"Always put sunglasses on your tree. Then, you'll get the proper shade.
"
162040,"What do you call a naughty Yazidi child? A little devil
"
71129,"People tell me I have ADHD Wanna ride bikes?
"
200905,"What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night? Crib death.
"
217809,"Why doesn't Captain Picard have an iPhone He already has an android, and it came with a data plan.
"
75165,"What's an 80 year old pussy smell like? Depends!
"
13966,"Wife: Your PMS jokes aren't funny. Me: I can't help it, they just flow out of my mouth. Wife: ... Me: Fine. No more. Period. Wife: *eyeroll*
"
219416,"How do you become a millionaire in post-Brexit UK? First, start off with a billion pounds..
"
182676,"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, do feminists still try to blame it on the patriarchy?
"
44367,"When is a door NOT a door? When it's ajar.
"
4715,"Thought of this the other day as a 22 y/o... How do you win the vegetable race? You need to get ahead of lettuce
"
137865,"Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.
"
135458,"5Q + 5Q =? You're welcome
"
90705,"Sorry I'm shit faced Why did the midget go swimming in the kitchen? There were microwaves. Sorry I was drunk making popcorn.
"
62846,"Good job I am very surprised that no one has made a 9/11 joke. I would of thought that 9 times out of 11 that I would see one.
"
77123,"What's a german's favourite number? Nein
"
169227,"The problem with rich people is you're not one of them.
"
187091,"A girl comes out of Sherlock's office as Watson comes in...he thinks they had sex. """"That girl was in college wasn't she?"""" """"Elementary, my dear Watson""""
"
136791,"Apparently my girlfriend is a lot like JIRA... They're REALLY good for creating issues.
"
231043,"Saying """"oh my gosh you're getting so big!"""" is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
"
73081,"It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! - someone who believes in talking snakes
"
150535,"What do you call a dictatorship founded on the principles of Ethos, Logos &amp; Pathos? An Aristotalitarian Regime.
"
33380,"Two trucks carrying thesauruses got in a wreck... Onlookers were aghast, amazed, appalled, astonished, astounded, dismayed, offended, shocked, stunned, upset...
"
22378,"Cool joke i found on the internet (very clever) If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
"
153063,"Girls holding hands with gay guys, you don't fool me. Oh that's your bf. You still don't fool me.
"
196343,"What is going to replace ObamaCare? Don.T.Care
"
118893,"I use to be terrified of speed bumps... But I slowly got over it.
"
192759,"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
"
46902,"THIS JUST IN: Hooters seeks extra support due to unprecedented sagging. So yeah, Hooters is for sale.
"
198010,"Why do Gay guys wear condoms? To play star wars.
"
143484,"What is a dog lover's favorite cookie? Keebler
"
105584,"""""Why is that cotton candy talking?"""" """"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj""""
"
50941,"welcome to fireman school. raise ur hand if you thought this was firefighter school *all hands raise* wrong *lights self on fire* FIREMAN
"
132990,"What do you call a starting indie dev? No Game No Life
"
210439,"What were Jesus's last words to his disciples as he was nailed to the cross? Nobody touch my fucking Easter eggs, I'll be back on Sunday.
"
197820,"Me: What happened to all the bourbon? Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken. Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
"
30612,"A large marine mammal was recently in Cardiff. It had a Wales of a time.
"
124378,"What do you call a Sith Lord who lives in the woods? Darth Deciduous
"
19718,"GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now. ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open? GOD: ...
"
139110,"I won the drowning competition. Wanna know my secret? Well, don't hold your breath!
"
24731,"A man goes to the Doctor for a physical. The doctor says, """"I'm sorry but you are going to need to stop masturbating."""" """"Why?"""" the man asks. The doctor says, """"Because I'm trying to examine you.""""
"
104249,"The Size of my Penis is Very Private It's information that should be kept between me, my doctor, and his wife.
"
138449,"As the NASCAR driver went around the track it just didn't feel right.
"
89077,"what did the grape say when it got stepped on? nothing but it let out a little wine
"
53806,"Did you know your kitchen faucet might raid your house? Let that sink in...
"
220129,"I hate it when... people refer to themselves as animal containers. and yes I'm a hippo crate.
"
172399,"Two ships crashed in the night one ship was carrying red paint the other blue The survivors were marooned
"
26460,"This joke is like a party without any demand for fruit juice. There is no punch line.
"
150473,"Pretty good one liner ___________.
"
104913,"I've had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
"
79734,"My lesbian sister told me that most girls are like spaghetti noodles Straight until you get them wet.
"
158675,"have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
"
106319,"MEDIC: """"Put pressure on the wound!"""" ME: """"Hey, wound! All the cool kids are drinking and you should too!""""
"
786,"Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb
"
4413,"The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
"
29011,"I hear Donald Trump wants every welfare recipient to take a drug test... I don't even what to know what he's planning to do with all those urine samples.
"
156481,"Norm MacDonald's father's favorite joke (as told by Norm MacDonald) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3UqEgL1VXI&amp;t=14m44s
"
158691,"If you were born in September... Then, you can be sure that your parents started the New Year, with a bang.
"
174592,"Weddings r cool bc u can cry in public about other stuff as long as u look in the general direction of the bride + groom
"
153154,"What do &lt;school name&gt; cheerleaders and a shotgun have in common? Give them 2 cocks and they'll blow.
"
78409,"I've been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn't say not to do that.
"
202194,"The scientists a scientist went to a remote island with a dog in order to teach his speaking. Three years later, the scientist returns, and is asked about his experiment; he replied """"woof, woof, woof""""
"
135478,"Making the Most of Life by Maxie Mumm
"
199494,"Christmas tradition.
"
135178,"Did you hear there was a fire in George Bushes personal library? It was awful! Most of his books hadn't even been colored in yet.
"
162376,"How high are you? No officer, it's hi, how are you.
"
112942,"Never knew that Irish people are so racist... Needless to say I was shocked when my Irish mate started telling me about how much he hates the black and tans.
"
14227,"Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
"
138721,"If Britney Spears can get through 2007 you can get through school...
"
93491,"Given that my grandmother's world is upended by soup that is too salty, I can't help but question how bad The Depression REALLY was.
"
144775,"I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn't have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
"
155673,"What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist.
"
169373,"A computer once beat me at chess... ...but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
"
196019,"I'm lactose intolerant, too. Do the pills work for you? It's a crap shoot.
"
102292,"Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair. I ate it. Then looked for more.
"
94883,"Your mama is so ugly that when she met Bill Cosby he made her espresso.
"
224250,"Did you hear about the idiot who  planted Cheerios in his backyard? He thought they were donut seeds.
"
46763,"[creating foxes] GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail ANGEL: ok... GOD: and make it sneaky ANGEL: you sure? GOD: yeah... real sneaky
"
6290,"I've never smoked weed before but the frequency with which I pass out, hand in a bag of snack chips, leads me to believe I'd be good at it.
"
185552,"Twitter is going to get very dark when we all get older and are still tweeting from our Alzheimer and dementia riddled brains.
"
196513,"I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist. Every week at our meetings there's always loads of black people hanging around.
"
144390,"What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic? Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
"
40949,"Q: why did the chicken cross the road? A: for a totally legitimate reason Now start fucking laughing
"
204615,"What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? I take my shoes off before I jump on a trampoline
"
114997,"A guy was stealing Morton and Everstart. He punched the owner when confronted... He was charged with assault and battery.
"
21359,"I can't think of anything worse than an over exaggerator
"
229296,"If Bruce Jenner goes missing tonight, will they put his face on a carton of half n half?
"
145050,"Why do Jews hate sex? Because porkin isn't kosher.
"
67355,"high school was the free trial version of college. """"if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000""""
"
25228,"When you add the same thing to both sides of an equation, it remains true. Therefore, since 'pro' is the opposite of 'con', then 'progress' is the opposite of 'Congress'.
"
23266,"I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
"
28004,"Who's the most popular guy on a nude beach? The one who shows up with a dozen donuts and two cups of coffee.
"
215194,"Apparently I can tell the future. If I want something really bad I know it won't happen.
"
112903,"""""Yo mama is so fat, when she was cremated all the flights in Europe got cancelled.""""-my 10 year old cousin. right now.
"
140342,"You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back. Are you raising an army for Mordor?
"
165116,"A joke walks into a bar... So the bartender says """"Can I help you?"""" And the Joke says """"Nah I'm good I'm just waiting for a couple Jews""""
"
37088,"What do you call a black guy on the moon? An astronaut, you racist.
"
152473,"I can guess how many times you've had sex... 0! about 99% of you guys just had your minds *blown*
"
62737,"(not sure if repost) What do you call a black man that drives an airplane? A fucking pilot you racist!
"
227038,"Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
"
147259,"What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O'Furniture
"
102204,"I used to be a banker... But I lost interest in the job
"
85292,"She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
"
105150,"""""Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn't be cows."""" ~me giving directions
"
67873,"What kind of sex do you have with twenty seven year olds? Any kind you want, there's twenty of them.
"
51468,"Me and a friend.. Walk into a pet store and the employee asks """"Anything that I can help you find?"""" and then proceeded to kick us out. apparently dinner wasn't the right answer.
"
215754,"I rang my boss and said """"what is the difference between work and your daughter?"""" """"I don't know"""" """"I am not coming into work today"""".
"
93570,"Whats the difference between a piece of paper and an emo. The paper cuts you not itself.
"
142322,"Why is there no point in sending medicine to Athiopia? Because the instructions usually say: """"Take after meals.""""
"
102777,"My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me  every mundane details about it.
"
205980,"I just got a new Sony P station, It had split-stream, so I just ended up messing the toilet seat.
"
133731,"Dear Homework. They might be doing you, But They are always thinking about me. Sincerely FACEBOOK
"
208570,"how do you kill a blonde with only one arm that climbed a lamppost? You wave to her.
"
34170,"[Storm into Octopus Boss' office] I want a raise or I quit! [Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern] NOT THIS TIME
"
139556,"What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
"
1486,"I was going to grease my mechanic's hand with a $20 bill for the phenomenal job he did but ... he already overcharged me by $200.
"
138334,"Chumlee was arrested for sexual assault, drugs, and guns. Do you think Rick will go to the court and haggle down his sentence?
"
184633,"What's the best thing about dating a black girl? You don't have to meet her dad.
"
79603,"How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace's bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
"
191805,"Why do seagulls fly by the sea? If they flew by the bay, they'd be Bayguls!
"
160405,"Two guys walk into a bar the third one ducks
"
40322,"Can God be an atheist? Yes, if he has low self esteem and stops believing in himself.
"
95881,"I call my bedroom the place where the magic happens' because it's where I make my self-respect disappear.
"
91816,"What is quivering at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
"
178405,"Before I say a wtc joke... On a scale of 9 to 11, how offended are you by it?
"
215776,"What's the difference between an expensive purchase and a loud noise that scares a chicken? One costs an arm and a leg. The other caused alarm and an egg.
"
140988,"What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry Potter escaped the Chamber.
"
202773,"Sometimes I put on a belt made out of watches because I like to waist time
"
183323,"4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone's house in one night me: warp speed 4 y/o: warp speed isn't real me: neither is Santa go to sleep
"
194870,"I could have sworn I saw spearmint flavored fig newtons at the shop the other day. But it turns out they were just a fig-mint of my imagination.
"
229524,"do you know the difference between a carrot and a fork? If you don't you should be more careful when you eat!
"
8305,"A pilots plane is shot down When he parachutes out, he is taken to a pow camp. He is later asked """"What did you have on the wings of your plane?"""" """"Holes mostly...""""
"
68539,"A black guy walks into a bar. And he found himself with a headache as he couldn't read the CONSTRUCTION sign
"
44778,"Apple is going to release the first smart vacuum cleaner this year The first Apple product that doesn't suck (not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)
"
225002,"A guy is about to die Guy: How much time do I have left, doctor? Doctor: 10 Guy: 10 what?! 10 days, 10 months, 10 years? Doctor: 9...8...7...6...5...
"
63590,"And Jesus said unto his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross. Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs, i'll be back on Monday.
"
10190,"Today I found my first grey pubic hair... I got really excited, but not as much as the other people on the bus.
"
105716,"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a very obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
"
162732,"Scientology has spaceships?! Crazy! I'll stick to my guy who parted the sea with his mind.
"
187687,"What do a Tupperware designer and a horny walrus have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal.
"
97128,"In 1940 Goebbels made a speech... Proclaiming that the Swastika was an example of the Golden Ratio. Turns out it was a fibbin' Nazi...
"
63931,"What's black and hard? Cast iron.
"
4640,"You know what's way better than an iPod? A zune
"
23534,"Q: Did you hear about the imaginary tree? A: It was mapleleaf.
"
122400,"Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it over and used the other side.
"
59790,"A horse walks into a bar.. The bartender asks """"why the long face?"""" The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and then leaves.
"
163959,"A Triceratops was recently found frozen in the ice... ... upon closer inspection it turned out to be a tricicle.
"
21324,"One time i asked a guy what he was majoring in and he said women's studies... I then said, why are you in women's studies? You study women all the time!
"
126315,"[first time having sex] Me: are u sure u aren't too drunk? Couch cushion: ....
"
194607,"How do you make German potato pancakes? Cook them in the microwave
"
60408,"Merry christmas and happy new year! - Internet explorer
"
31025,"Why do frat bros hate fruit loops? They're eternally disappointed by two-can Sam.
"
194752,"How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? More than 4, because my basement is still dark.
"
97120,"You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
"
8675,"Q: Did you hear about the man who was Polishing the flagpole? A: He varnished into thin air!
"
64735,"What's the the key to telling an ISIS joke? The execution.
"
25772,"Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up? Because if they slept with two legs up they'd fall over
"
76759,"Spoil any movie by telling ur friend """"Ice Cube dies"""" before they watch it. They'll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
"
31385,"ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that's quite a serious infection you have here. - Me as a Gynaecologist
"
208188,"When you're sliding into first.... Inspired by a LeBron James thread from /pics of all things.... What's your favorite?
"
86868,"With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
"
21539,"My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
"
142299,"I need to polish up on my flirting skills... Hej kochanie, chcesz niektore pieprzy?
"
123355,"You got 30 minutes to text me back or I'm breaking into your house & responding to myself.
"
180318,"A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they're blocked: I'm totally gutted. Well done. You're fierce! You got me GOOD.
"
231259,"Google+ is not a """"ghost town"""", because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.
"
43615,"How many anesthesiologists does it... take... to... ... change... ... a... ... ... ... ...
"
24146,"How do you know if a guy was in the Navy SEALs? Don't worry, he'll tell you.
"
211453,"What's the difference between a Swedish jam band and slam dunking a baby? One's a Swedish Phish and the other's a fetus swish
"
30944,"Breaking news: We can all tell Kanye something Because we're still waiting for him to get his money right
"
214887,"Putin and Medvedev go to a hooker. The hooker is sucking Putin off and Medvedev is fucking her from behind. Medvedev: Should we swap? Putin: Sure, you can swap.
"
45581,"I keep trying to make funny eye puns... But my friends say they keep getting cornea and cornea.
"
83994,"Life is like photography  we develop from the negatives.
"
111315,"Just LMAO and spent 6 hours in surgery getting it reattached. It's not funny.
"
74476,"If you watch the movie Twister backwards it's the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
"
32214,"Went to the gym and asked the trainer. Could you help me do splits? Trainer: Sure How flexible are you? Me: I can only do Thursday.
"
14018,"What happened when the man asked the salesman  for a good belt? """"O.K. you asked for it"""" the salesman said as he gave him a good belt.
"
103472,"There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley... one was assaulted.
"
72141,"The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
"
177787,"What did the square say to the triangle? You're outta line!
"
130812,"I answer with an automatic """"Yes"""" each time my mom says """"Oh, have I told you...?"""" I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
"
70988,"I'd tell you the joke about the philosopher but I think only a Nietzsche audience would understand it.
"
219979,"What do you call a joke with no punch line?
"
117015,"A prisoner walks in to a bar Drunken repost of my favorite joke in the world
"
209473,"Yo mama is so fat that if she confronted a boggart it would morph into a treadmill.
"
60841,"My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds... ...so I bought her a bathroom scale.
"
194534,"I have a great relation ship with Jesus He mows my lawn for $6 an hour
"
35188,"""""You promise you didn't get me bees again"""" [me from a distance] just open it
"
65011,"Dear Parents If you want to find out where your Son/Doughter is in the house, Simply turn off WI-FI and Wait
"
170057,"It's probably too soon for Ebola jokes on here... ...but when the time comes, I bet they're gonna be killer.
"
41219,"You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells """"IT'S JUST A POTATO!"""" #ambien
"
106886,"What do you get if you cross a skunk  and a balloon? A creature that stinks to high heaven!
"
69245,"why can't a bike stand on its own its two tired.
"
140094,"Opening a new restaurant, focusing on gourmet noodles and spaghetti. We're also going to offer free delivery. We're calling it Send Noods
"
196039,"I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.
"
212740,"What did the dog get at the vet? [FIXED]
"
150283,"What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
"
186281,"A Native American man walks into a hotel in Las Vegas. The receptionist asks, """"Do you have a reservation?""""
"
180302,"What is the cheapest date ever? Drive in reverse trough the mcdrive, so the checkout is on her side.
"
60145,"I woke up, after a drunken night, with two tattoos on my dick, but one of them was done in regular pen ink. So I rubbed one out.
"
188718,"You can lead a horse to water... but jet fuel can't melt steel beams.
"
111576,"there should be a pill that makes you feel the kind of happiness you get when you play with puppies
"
162879,"Don't ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don't want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.
"
157377,"settle down twitter crush. i didn't ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i've picked for our kids
"
50159,"[robbers outside bank] When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks """"But can't u feel your pores really opening up?""""
"
123662,"I'm so sick of this debate. Of COURSE, the chicken came first! Are you saying I don't know how to properly fuck a chicken?
"
113044,"Police I thought I saw a police chopper this morning but it was just his baton sticking out.
"
91049,"How do you organize a Space Party? You Planet.
"
115418,"I was laying in bed with a hangover It's awful when your cock's so big it won't stay in the bed. -lee Mack
"
168973,"Can't believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn't using the slogan """"Once you go black, you don't go back.""""
"
216898,"TIL: Roofing in the Summer heat can be dangerous WARNING: HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA
"
53935,"Why did the cop climb the tree? He worked for a special branch.
"
139610,"How many protesters does it take to change a lightbulb? **TRICK QUESTION. THEY CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING**
"
13630,"Your vagina is so dry... ...That Native Americans do rain dances around it.
"
186403,"Why don't ghosts have kids? Because they have Hollow-Weinies
"
18452,"The Pope is really setting a high bar for giving something up for Lent.
"
101803,"What kind of murderer has moral fiber? A cereal killer
"
18515,"I've heard of sleepwalking on Ambien but the cabbie dropped me off and seems I flew to New Mexico, got peyote, ate a burrito, and flew back.
"
209696,"What do you call a road full of giraffes? Giraffic.
"
186348,"What do you call a midget with an axe? A battle dwarf
"
191348,"A couple of million dollar ideas: 1) Boxers with pockets 2) A service that lets you throw a live shark from a speeding van
"
112801,"Why shouldn't you give Muslim Women drugs? They'll get stoned. (Ba-dum tss)
"
54361,"What do Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Saville have in common ? They both shafted minors in the 1980's.
"
146946,"If Hooters had delivery, would they be called knockers?
"
88985,"How do you get a baby to stop choking? Take your dick out of its mouth.
"
23108,"Have you heard that story about that man who gets surprised a lot? It was a tale of WOAH!
"
19593,"Heard on Haight St. the other day: Why didnt the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? Cause he was just too far out, man. Edit: I work on Haight St. This was in exchange for one cigarette.
"
210543,"I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I'm drinking.
"
22618,"This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier? Put a toy for babies on its tail. YES
"
134737,"Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time someone goes to the toilet take 4 shots
"
54754,"A patella throws a party Because he's fun-knee
"
65224,"My wife's friend's baby always cries when her mom leaves the room. My son just laughs at her. Proud father of a douchebag.
"
141429,"Name Some Anti-Jokes They always are the funniest
"
27590,"I bought some toothpaste that must have been created by God. It said on it, """"Heal Thy Gums.""""
"
160009,"How long does it take for a white women to take a shit? 9 months
"
70304,"Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
"
70302,"[elementary school] BULLY: gimme your lunch money ME: no B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it M: ok but this has to stop I'm your teacher
"
1474,"It was fortunate that Hillary had a moderator Lester temper get out of hand.
"
182763,"""""I don't follow her so whatever you do, don't LIKE one of her Instagram photos or she'll know we're looking at them."""" -Why 2015 is confusing
"
39451,"My fat next door neighbor is lying face down on her front lawn. Don't know if she's passed out or eating the grass.
"
164050,"What do you call an African American wife who knows where her husband is at all time? A Jailbait.
"
41630,"I heard Plexiglass coffins are making a comeback, but... Remains to be seen.
"
48054,"Auto correct changed """"mingle"""" to """"mangle,"""" and now I've been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
"
213361,"What does Spock sing in the shower? I'll stop the world and meld with you!
"
17847,"What does a feminist and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up cunts.
"
190129,"I wore my golf socks today There's a hole in one
"
111500,"Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.
"
206031,"Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.
"
94304,"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket... and says """"Oh dammit some asshole has my pen!""""
"
173376,"what has four wheels and flyz? A garbage truck.....ha ha ha
"
16515,"Life is like a box of chocolates... It can be a load of shit.
"
15396,"Net flips and krill? - killer whale text
"
184085,"Some small people that I don't know think I'm strange To me they're a little stranger
"
134900,"Sorry about your lost dog. If you liked it, then you should've put a leash on it. If you liked it, then you should've put a leash on it.
"
56616,"Did you hear about the guy whose penis looks like Professor X? The resemblance is uncanny.
"
188253,"My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can't respond. That's where House Horn comes in
"
102024,"What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers.
"
182491,"A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, """"I slept with a Brazilian..."""" The blonde replies, """"Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?""""
"
88634,"Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
"
25142,"What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.
"
209797,"""""DIDN'T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!"""" ~A parent's memoir.
"
37123,"Monday, Tuesday Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday Those were the days...
"
89981,"What kinds of clothes do protons wear? Plus sizes!
"
32072,"Capcom is developing a new game based on Donald Trump... It's called President Evil.
"
6854,"Why did Jon Snow become a spokesman for Rolex? For the time piece.
"
137104,"China already tried Trump's giant wall idea, and we saw how that worked out... not too many fuckin' Mexicans in China, are there?
"
15347,"Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I've decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand She'll love it
"
16871,"What happens when a cow jumps over barbed wire? Udder destruction!
"
49527,"Why doesn't Oedipus swear? Because he kisses his mum with that mouth.
"
71304,"I like my sex like I like my math Discrete
"
203819,"People form Pittsburgh are called Pittsburgers. Do you know what people from Hamburg are called? Germans
"
131835,"Gay horses What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!
"
20782,"You're like a magnet... Your fatass is always on the fridge.
"
83392,"Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it.
"
83549,"Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word """"voluptuous.""""
"
130512,"Son:Dad, what is 'creeping inflation'? Father:It's when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.
"
10520,"I've found that the things I'm most interested in aren't really in my best interest.
"
135941,"Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing. Sister : Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing. Brother : Because the people would think I am F**king you.
"
230794,"Boss: You're fired Me: No YOU'RE fired Boss: No Me: Yeah Boss: *starts sweating*
"
222505,"It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It's like you can't even enjoy your own joy.
"
151211,"Two guys are peeing off the side of a high bridge. First guys says: """"Water sure is cold."""" Second guys says: """"And deep""""
"
132384,"I like my men like I like my pizza With extra sausage (   )
"
198834,"Non-technical people, here's a secret. We tech folks have no idea what the problem is. We just try to narrow it down, removing variables.
"
204154,"the easy way to tell between local police and state troopers is that state troopers usually have more brightly colored, magnificent feathers
"
146548,"A blind man walks into a store... he then starts knocking things off the shelves. An employee asks; - """"Is there anything I can help you with?"""" - """"No thanks, I'm just looking around.""""
"
156528,"What do you call a gay loaf of bread? A faguette ^^^^I ^^^^just ^^^^made ^^^^this ^^^^up ^^^^and ^^^^I'm ^^^^so ^^^^proud
"
159166,"""""Does my bum look big in this dress?"""" my wife asked this morning. I said """"No, but the dress does look quite small on your arse"""".
"
138776,"What do chefs do when they are cooking in an emergency? They take drastic measures.
"
182269,"How was copper wire invented? Someone threw a penny between two jews
"
103558,"These days my boss has been getting on my nerves. See I'm a brick layer and he is always yelling to layer the bricks faster and faster... These days everyone wants instant stratification.
"
194227,"My employees forgot about Cyber Monday. I won't rub it in. They look embarrassed enough when I walk by in my RoboCop suit.
"
8344,"In our wedding, I'll invite his ex and be like """"Still believe you can get him back?""""
"
34213,"Robocop's guns malfunction. Robocop gets sued for manslaughter. Robocop loses his home. Hobocop.
"
214462,"Of course Goldman Sachs called their clients """"muppets"""" Some of them ended up living in garbage cans.
"
50404,"Why doesn't the KKK like Halloween? Too many spooks.
"
172805,"What car did the Apostles drive? (Hint:Acts 2:1 KJV)
"
223702,"I want to learn how to do 3 things before I die 1.) Learn how to count
"
131587,"McDonald's is coming out with a Michael Jackson burger... ...it's a 40 year-old piece of meat sandwiched in between two eight year-old buns.
"
180234,"Why did the chicken coop have two doors? 'cause if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan
"
90070,"It's not Adam and Steve, it's Adam and [Cher autotune voice] beli-EVE *club goes crazy*
"
103181,"*looks up from pestle and mortar """"Powdering this baby is HARD!""""
"
52972,"Have you guys heard of the Ed Zachary disease? if you get the disease you'll look Ed Zachary like him!
"
183295,"What is a gay dinosaur called? Nsfw Megasorass
"
222732,"When a kid wants to snuggle it means you're about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
"
56730,"Can a women make you a millionaire Yes, if you are a billionaire Kevin hart
"
29238,"One I came up with today. Did you hear about the new cult that worships testicles? They are sacreligious.
"
116090,"How do you know when... ... a blonde has been using the computer? There's white-out on the screen. How do you know when a brunette used the computer after a blonde? There's writing on the white-out.
"
76955,"I just yelled 'Jayden' at the mall and now I'm a mom to like 20 kids.
"
110906,"It's so humid today I keep expecting a southern lawyer to do his closing argument.
"
215649,"Your favorite one liner/quick joke? When bored at work I snapchat jokes to friends. Need new material. Could use your favorite short joke.
"
176649,"Last week I went golfing and finally beat my wife... Those are two separate things.
"
100277,"A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
"
153352,"People who say """"adorbs"""" make me miserbs
"
212783,"Why are pills white? Because if they were black they wouldn't work.
"
157931,"[Job interview] """"How would you describe yourself?"""" """"I'd use the appropriate adjectives."""" """"Anything else?"""" """"Over-literal sometimes.""""
"
27292,"What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro cinqo. EDIT: Yeah, I take French, not Spanish. :)
"
61201,"What did the green grape say to the purple grape? """"Breathe you idiot! Breathe!""""
"
126974,"REPUBLICANS: I can't believe Trump won. DEMOCRATS: I can't believe Hillary lost. ME: I can't believe it's not butter!
"
65909,"Reddit right now http://imgur.com/hcmqCjU
"
94110,"What does a musician use to build a house? A tuba-four
"
144417,"Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower's plane leave Washington DC? He was Edward Snowed-In.
"
226158,"God made them God made the little niggers, he made them at night. He made them in a hurry and forgot to make them White.
"
43695,"Who do you call when your wheelchair gets a flat? Cripple A.
"
32609,"What did you say to the policeman who spent  eight hours on the Internet? Oh give it arrest.
"
171294,"If you want to work with livestock, you better know your farm animals, kid! A kid is a baby goat.. That's the joke...
"
94187,"How would you rate an average upholstery job upon completion? Eh. Sew-sew.
"
142463,"What is it with people who text and drive? I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.
"
4194,"""""Rock. Paper. Scissors."""" - terrible surgeon
"
153044,"a guy's wife died so in her memory, every month, he takes half of his paycheck and throws in in the trash
"
31816,"Teacher: """"Simon, can you say your name backwards?"""" Simon: """"No Mis""""
"
100885,"Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
"
105062,"*throws caution to the wind* *wind blows it back in my face at 100 mph*
"
51273,"Q: Why did the bird get a ticket? A: It broke the law of gravity!
"
138544,"CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU'RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
"
120428,"I put as much effort into life... As the guy who named the sleeping bag
"
205604,"How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza? Deep pan, Crisp and Even
"
84296,"what did the black boys dad do for him for christmas nothing, he had no presence
"
45447,"Want to hear a joke about Subway? Okay, but it's not really kid friendly.
"
157233,"A cunt. What do you call someone who says the punchline before the joke?
"
22185,"I asked a Jewish girl her number She said she didn't have one, but could give me her grandfather's.
"
97258,"A bear and a rabbit are pooping next to each other. The bears asks: """"Does your fur stick to the poop?"""" The rabbit replied with: """"Of course not."""" Then the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
"
49039,"A golfer to his caddy: 'How would you have played that last shot, caddy?' 'Under an assumed name.'
"
8736,"Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide. *bows*
"
60439,"Q: what do you call an orange Jew? A: Ivanka trump
"
150831,"My brother just lost his left hand, but the doctor told me not to worry. He's going to be alright.
"
71990,"How do you get a fat chick into bed? Piece a' cake!
"
222902,"What did the doctor say to the man who couldn't pee? Urine trouble!
"
36356,"I understand why Jesus was crucified But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher.
"
41511,"C, Eb, and G walk into a """"bar"""" .
"
182047,"I've been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won't tell me who's a good boy.
"
160680,"Why did the 16 year old Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay.
"
210584,"To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
"
212147,"Hillary Clinton and Nickelback are on a boat and it capsizes, who survives? America
"
181371,"I'm not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.
"
22619,"When I go to Starbucks, I tell them my name is Marco. When my drink is ready and they call my name, I just keep saying Polo.
"
55558,"Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and asks 'does this taste funny to you?' Ba da ba, tshhhh.
"
124155,"I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
"
80275,"Playboy's decision to keep models clothed comes weeks after McDonald's decision to serve breakfast all day.
"
56207,"Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
"
151054,"What's worse than a dead lawyer? A living one.
"
164453,"Met a hot isis girl Jihad me at hello
"
169760,"How do you get a blonde to break her nose? Place your dick under a glass table
"
43713,"Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle ...
"
212361,"My new girlfriend is a sandwich artist and she's really into roll play
"
184823,"Tsipras and Varoufakis now have a mandate. They will probably go for some retsina and gyros and perhaps catch a movie afterwards.
"
116680,"Did you hear about the tragedy in France? I was very confused reading headlines saying, """"Nice attack, 78 dead"""".
"
108638,"Where do you find a dog with no legs? ...right where you put it.
"
55675,"How do bank robbers send messages? By flee mail!
"
30302,"So the other day I went to the zoo There was only one animal there. A dog. It was a shuit tzu
"
188845,"So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world
"
44291,"3 women went to a bar... And they wanted to know how lose they are.. * The first one slid in a hotdog * The second slid in a cucumber * And the third one went down the bar stool
"
141771,"I went to the local library And found out that the post apocalyptic section has been shifted to current affairs after the us elections 2016
"
125140,"What are the unspoken rules of sign language? All of them
"
31895,"Knock knock. Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin. They hatin. Patrollin and tryna catch me ridin dirty.
"
216984,"You scream, I scream, we all scream, then I leave the women's restroom.
"
152839,"What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
"
1940,"Duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for some lip balm. """"Certainly sir, will that be cash or credit?"""" """"Just put it on my bill.""""
"
198695,"Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant
"
89522,"Saddest Joke if... Last person on Earth... Knock Knock..
"
223211,"What does Michigan State football and Marijuana have in common? They are both green and get smoked in bowls!
"
5541,"Why are camels known as the ships of the desert? Because they're filled with Arab semen.
"
97063,"What's the difference between a lobster and a Japanese woman run over by a steamroller? One's a crustacean and the other is a crushed Asian.
"
94831,"My father said his Computer crashed... I asked him, what he did. """"I googled 'Malaysian Airlines'"""", he replied.
"
87393,"You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
"
144399,"Whoever invented """"knock knock"""" jokes Should get a """"no-bell"""" prize.
"
210218,"I like my women like I like my politics The more Bush the better
"
241,"If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.
"
99528,"Confucious he say... Man who fart in church, sit in his own pew...
"
74412,"I've been called """"Poindexter"""" for different things... Does that make me ambipoindextrous?
"
225631,"Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
"
203820,"Why you shouldn't masturbate Dad: Son, you shouldn't masturbate otherwise you'll go blind. Son: Dad, I'm over here...
"
78134,"""""My fellow Americans-"""" Barack """"we are working tirelessly-"""" Sir """"to make sure-"""" Barack. You're still wearing ur xbox headset
"
167868,"Kanye name his son North West, So no matter who many people make fun of him, with a name like that we know he is heading straight to the top. And a little to the left
"
217475,"What is the difference between a woman and a hippo? One has an overly big mouth and a fat ass and one lives in the water.
"
68771,"If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
"
100067,"People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
"
160745,"Why are there no walmarts in Syria Because there's a target on every corner
"
139786,"How can you know if somebody watches Doctor Who? They'll make sure you know.
"
113924,"""""Hermit crab"""" describes me twice.
"
68804,"How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.
"
46632,"What do you call it when two cops dance? Pork Grinds
"
27993,"Women's underwear is a great example of how you can make something half-assed and it still become very successful Thought of this in traffic yesterday
"
42613,"what do you call a 3 humped camel? Pregnant
"
92982,"Were a blind person to go sky diving, how would they do it? Wait until the leash goes slack, then pull the rip cord.
"
231581,"What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog
"
8293,"Why did the egg get a ticket from a lady police officer? Because he was picking up good vibrations.
"
169061,"Some people wouldn't know good literature even if... ...they got slapped across the face with a Moby Dick.
"
206567,"A ship carrying blue paint has collided with a ship carrying red paint in the English Channel. 32 sailors have been marooned
"
191875,"What's worse than being told by your doctor that you have gonorrhea? Being told by your dentist
"
227643,"Why was the cannibal sad at dinner? Because he got the cold shoulder.
"
135524,"I have nothing positive to report. Except that roadside drug test.
"
94854,"Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank  they turn off the surveillence cameras
"
179190,"My favourite sexual move is the JFK I splatter all over her face while she screams and tries to get out of the car
"
58675,"What did the cop say to the doughnut as he ate it? Rest in **police**.
"
42625,"So a hunter walks in to a bar and says, """"Bear with me"""".
"
193456,"I remember the last thing my grandfather ever said to me before he kicked the bucket... He said """"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?""""
"
92087,"Interviewer: I don't see a phone # for your reference Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly
"
228643,"My friend tells me she's sitting on the board of the local chapter of Rotory Club. I just hope they have good cushions..
"
209185,"I guess George Lucas is not a Scrabble fan. It's R1 D2.
"
47508,"A single word can make a heart open. That word is """"scalpel.""""
"
215417,"I think her gash must have a rash For the last time I licked it, my head went bare, my tongue grew hair, and my nose fell off when I picked it
"
63867,"How you heard about the new bad breath removal strategy? They call it the tic-tac tactic.
"
10838,"I told my wife she would look sexier with her hair back... She was pissed! Apparently that's a insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
"
65902,"me: Did you brush your teeth? 9: Yes me *hands him a glass of orange juice* 9: Do I have to? me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
"
20611,"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has got to *want* to change.
"
182344,"Why Was Vista Afraid of Seven? Cause seven eight ten.
"
28029,"I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
"
213435,"TIL that if you took all the veins in your body and laid them end to end... You would die.
"
192794,"What is the difference between kinky sex and perverted sex? Kinky sex involves a feather, perverted sex involves the whole chicken.
"
160153,"""""No Kanye, it's called Coney Island."""" """"Kanye Island."""" """"Coney Island"""" """"Kanye Island."""" """"Co... ney."""" """"Kan... ye.""""
"
3853,"Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
"
10559,"I have a love-hate relationship with my wife... I love her, she hates me! Ho-ho!
"
137064,"""""Give me a moment"""" """"Give me a moment,"""" says the physicist as he sits in his desk chair. He wonders why nobody has spun him around yet.
"
204548,"How do you know you are in a real lesbian bar? Not even the pool table has balls
"
129812,"Someone stole my mood ring.. And I don't know how I feel about that Credits to 30 Rock
"
31336,"I've been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I'm actually talking to someone.
"
79945,"What is Russia's favorite type of pasta? Putinesca
"
86707,"Aliens: """"Take us to your leader"""" """"No"""" """"What"""" """"Look we've made some mistakes"""" """"Just take..."""" """"It's been a weird year, half of us are morons""""
"
159003,"What is the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.
"
192203,"In Dublin, a very nervous Liam brings his girlfriend to meet his father for the first time. Liam (to father): This is Amanda Father: A fooking WHAT!?
"
174200,"Why did the jew leave the party early? He had gas.
"
135731,"There was a problem with my AC device It's all cool now though
"
137452,"When I'm drunk, I'm like South Park I'm crude and offends everyone
"
69543,"What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks? Half calf
"
135759,"A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
"
169854,"I collect coins and old paper money. For our anniversary, my wife surprised me with a $1,000 bill! Unfortunately, it was from Fendi, for a pair of shoes.
"
102987,"*gets handed a Mario Kart controller at a party* I don't know guys, I've never done this before. *straps on monogrammed driving gloves*
"
160024,"I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.
"
198068,"What did the surfer say when he visited Syria? This place is totally radical!
"
118285,"The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....? Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.
"
130420,"Donald Trump announced that he would be turning down the regular Presidential Salary in lieu of a yearly salary of $232 He said """"If 232 is good enough for Hillary, it's good enough for me""""
"
34112,"What has 40 teeth and holds a monster at bay? My zipper.
"
55012,"Just finished typing this tweet.
"
124094,"Ever heard of the blind hooker? You really gotta hand it to 'er.
"
102473,"What did the 8 say to the 0? Hey, fatty
"
170636,"I think the most pressing question for the Pope should be, """"so like, after 7pm in the Vatican, what do you do? Just, like, sit in there?""""
"
73606,"Why don't the people of Pompeii like volcanoes? Because they're all dead. As told by my best friend, in light of the Indian joke.
"
14552,"What is the speed limit of sex? 68, because any faster and you'll flip over and eat it.
"
46781,"A black man and his son are walking on the beach... ... the son asks """"Dad, can I play with your wiener?"""" [](/sp) The dad says """"Okay, but don't go too far.""""
"
93857,"I saw some guy stealing a gate last night... I thought not to shout at him cuz he might take a fence.
"
207956,"Why did the bigamist cross the road? To get to the other bride.
"
133557,"I had a dream I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram I was - like - 0MG.
"
131904,"The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
"
66712,"Windows Phone
"
180595,"There are three kinds of women: the intelligent, the beautiful, and the majority.
"
147034,"Just saw the hood of my jacket out of the corner of my eye and jumped out of the way, in case the Navy SEALS are hiring.
"
90183,"How many friend-zoned guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just sit around and compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
"
25542,"Guns don't kill people. Wars and famine and disease and random accidents kill people. Also, sometimes guns. Have a good day!
"
109832,"What's black and rhymes with 'snoop' Dr. Dre
"
211537,"Why did the woman fall into the well? She couldn't see that well.
"
189525,"Never have sex after getting a concussion. It's fucking confusing.
"
98017,"TIL: 64% of Statistics Are Made Up
"
202702,"My doctor wrote me a prescription..... For dailysex, but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia
"
75452,"One time I won a raffle in England, turns out it was for knighthood. Boy was I Sir prized
"
97068,"What's the difference between an epileptic oyster farmer and a prostitute with diarrhoea? The farmer shucks between fits.
"
57992,"Sometimes I go on WebMD to see what I'm currently dying of.
"
211290,"Did you hear about the guy from Prague wearing armor? The Czech's in the mail.
"
135388,"The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
"
193017,"Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? A: I'm bigger than you!
"
187661,"What do you call it when...? What do you call it when you photograph childbirth? Child bornography.
"
31983,"Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don't like people.
"
149617,"I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
"
152489,"Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:""""Do U find this is a tough neighborhood? Neighbor:""""Na, u just use a slow cooker. Me:""""What? n:""""What
"
98743,"What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, dang it! BREATHE!
"
192399,"What do you call a Graveyard built on sandstone? A sedimentary.
"
38648,"How do you make an internet addict wait? I'll tell you later.
"
44008,"Parenting Tip: Place fake present under tree with unruly child's name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
"
148511,"If you don't have company or a package coming, don't answer the doorbell. You're nobody's bitch.
"
95175,"The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.
"
37978,"You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers ... if you find one, what's your plan?
"
208820,"I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I'm going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride. *adds humanitarian to resume
"
123470,"I hope the rain keeps up so it won't come down.
"
30415,"I got a call telling me my grandma only has a few hours left to live.... but I refuse to pay the ransom.
"
52954,"Days after a massive F5 tornado hits Mississippi.. ...financial experts estimate it did over 50 million dollars worth of good.
"
64342,"What do you call a group of Idiots? Congress
"
223331,"I like to have have sex to #Kesha songs. I hate her so much that it makes for a great anger-fuck. #hopeshelikesitrough
"
173794,"Don't drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be """"the dirty guy"""" and no one will have sex with you
"
194419,"What is the difference between an onion and a hooker? I am not crying when chopping up the hooker. Thank you and goodbye forever!!
"
62943,"*me, at high school prom Me: So, you wanna dance? Her: Definitely! M: Can you tell me why?
"
5828,"""""If you don't let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you."""" Liam Neeson returns in... TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER'S PISSED (Summer 2015)
"
204638,"What do you call a prison inmate with a skin disease? A Leper-Con
"
73800,"That escalated quickly - Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
"
192133,"My dick is not small. It is perfectly shaped according to ancient greek standards.
"
207641,"What is the best place to hide a corpse? On the second page of Google
"
57208,"What's the worst thing you can hear when Willy Nelson is going down on you? I'm not Willy Nelson
"
91165,"My mate borrowed 20 grand for plastic surgery. Now I don't know what he looks like.
"
4482,"Why did the hipster drown? He went ice Skating before it was cool
"
193775,"My wife doesn't know... That every time we have sex, I put a dollar into an envelope that goes toward her Christmas present. So far, she's getting a candy bar.
"
206455,"Why is an Alabama divorce like a tornado? One way or the other someone is losing a trailer.
"
42645,"What is the most exciting sport in the world? Camping. Its in tents.
"
33594,"How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you
"
93048,"Next on """"McCribs""""! Hamburglar shows us his pimped-out hideout, and Grimmus takes us on a tour of his plush pleasure dome.
"
207888,"Saint Peter in Heaven So, I was in the mood for some """"Saint Peter in the gates of Heaven"""" jokes... Anyone have something?
"
142221,"My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they're like, sir that's just irritable bowel syndrome.
"
146168,"I wondered what my parents did to kill boredom before the internet. I mean, I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them had a clue.
"
228052,"I have a silly friend named Oedipus... He's a stupid motherfucker.
"
24683,"Read more Accountant jokes
"
26649,"Genderqueers must have a tough time scheduling.. Because they don't have agenda
"
154801,"I think my girlfriend might be pregnant... ...I just laughed at a Dad joke.
"
209203,"I used to sleepwalk all the time, but now I mix in a little sleepweightlifting a few times a week.
"
5863,"Wanna hear a joke about sodium? Na
"
85792,"I failed stats because i have no faith in myself.. I couldn't find anything more than a 0% confidence interval.
"
27779,"What did the Leper say to the Prostitute? Keep the tip.
"
131254,"Did you hear about the dyslexic science teacher? He was teaching the Law of Conversation.
"
219689,"Sometimes I'll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them
"
226921,"What did Tanto call the lone ranger after he started treatment for cancer? Chemosabi
"
184301,"What did Hitler do to people who didn't like his facial hair? He sent them to Stauschwitz.
"
78609,"What's the best way to get gum out of your hair? Cancer.
"
182321,"If I ever have two sons, I'll name one Penn and the other Sword, then make them wrestle a lot just to see if it's true.
"
193408,"Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.
"
77651,"Every time I lay down in bed I think 'why didn't I do this sooner?'
"
135879,"What the best thing about pedophiles? They always drive slowly near schools
"
119389,"What's a pirates favourite video game genre? Arr-PG's
"
171830,"I never keep toilet paper in the guest bathroom. They don't need that kind of incentive to visit again.
"
14559,"Her: are you single? [flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek] Me: haha idk
"
90627,"A partnerswitch? How about a partnerswitch? I'll bang your wife and give you a handjob after!
"
184254,"Why is your wife annoying? Because she is always jalapeno business.
"
176336,"Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them.
"
224535,"What's the scariest thing about a white man in prison? You know he did it.
"
191882,"What rock group has 4 dudes that don't sing? Mount Rushmore
"
177116,"What's the longest word in English? smiles. Because there's a mile between both S.
"
50031,"Not now, kids. Daddy's pretending to be a woman on the Internet
"
115016,"The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
"
138145,"Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
"
160224,"My mute friend told me a funny joke.
"
207953,"Once I walked across a road when the light was red. I felt so bad I went back and waited for the light to turn green.
"
51460,"After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
"
128718,"On the the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me.. Nothing. I don't have a girlfriend.
"
65532,"So a pun, a play on words, and an anecdote walk into a bar. No joke.
"
187522,"I tried to eat a clock once... But it was very time consuming
"
143247,"[phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted? W: OMG M: I'm in a bar not far from there
"
94006,"You can't spell ginger... without nigger
"
190621,"Going to attempt a Mexican joke. Hope it's a good Juan!
"
23490,"What's the difference between Donald Trump and a thief? Nothing.
"
42857,"An irashman walks out of a bar...
"
140522,"I think Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
"
190027,"I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!
"
12413,"What's the difference between feminists and Nazis? The Nazis shaved.
"
34493,"Movie pitch: There's this guy named Craig that makes a list of Jews he can save from Naz... what?
"
138432,"I spilled a whole case of forks today..... ...you could say I forked up real bad
"
169496,"Why do Italians wear gold chains? So they know where to stop shaving.
"
100117,"I did a girl missionary style I stole her cultural identity so I could take her land
"
9894,"There's no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can't do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I've tried.
"
61253,"What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.
"
31158,"We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
"
200863,"I haven't slept in days I've been sleeping at night.
"
50009,"For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you're working with are idiots.
"
145022,"They say a woman's work is never done. That's probably why they get paid less.
"
64554,"What do fish in Jamaica smoke ? Sea-Weed. I'll show myself the door.
"
107280,"I can count the number of times I actually used a flyer on one hand... And still have five fingers remaining.
"
27181,"What Do You Call Giving a Dutch Guy a Gun? Armin Van Buren.
"
33022,"Did you hear about the American Indian who was in a tea drinking contest? They found him the next morning lying in his tea pee.
"
19613,"Little Johnny strikes again The teacher came up to johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what seperates you from a monkey. Johnny said with confidence """"the desk"""".
"
35052,"Some young women are like bottles of wine They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
"
128840,"So I heard Robin Williams' new stand up failed. It was a little shaky at first but he really choked in the end.
"
111597,"Just my luck... """"I sure do like your finger in my pussy, but your ring hurts."""" """"Uh, I'm not wearing any rings. Baby, that's my wristwatch...""""
"
88161,"I've got my girlfriend working on her gag reflex... ...I haven't got a big dick or anything, she just throws up when she sees me naked
"
192904,"The Buddhist idea of Nirvana literally translates to """"Blown Out"""" Typically in reference to something like a candle, but occasionally to Kurt Cobain's brains.
"
226859,"What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night? Patty O'Furniture
"
68748,"""""Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!"""" The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
"
118921,"Letting me choose my username on Amazon is a bad move. I think customer support gets uncomfortable when I need help with CockPopsicle87.
"
23846,"If I had no emotions, I don't know how I'd feel about it.
"
110173,"Turn a man down for sex, he gets over it. Turn a woman down? Oh. My. God.
"
138960,"Never been able to throw a frisbee too well, but I make up for it by having a huge dong & a really positive attitude
"
175820,"A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as """"ruthless"""" since then. People are pissed.
"
174364,"Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff Bu dum tss.
"
3045,"What thinks the unthinkable? An ithe-berg
"
197930,"Donald Trump and Adolf Hitler walks into a bar He orders a beer
"
63292,"Why are women such bad drivers? Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.
"
89700,"Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus: A table for 26, please. Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you. Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.
"
133551,"Why monkeys make terrible drivers: bad depth perception, suffer from road rage & fling poop at other drivers.
"
217895,"An optimistic donut sees the cop as half full.
"
933,"A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn't be weird.
"
19174,"I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
"
168785,"Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
"
124059,"How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze? You invite two of them.
"
13770,"The frog was double parked... And that's why she got Toad.
"
2319,"To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night, I'm not letting you out!
"
105201,"how do we know that jews crucified Jesus? they used one nail for both legs
"
106381,"To err is human, to arr is pirate.
"
230144,"A disgruntled bubble wrap factory worker could shoot 20 men and no one would turn their heads.
"
151516,"How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh? It weighs *Won-ton*
"
211372,"Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get away from the crime scene.
"
117811,"Q: Dad why do the singers rock left and right  while performing on stage? A: Because son it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
"
65349,"Me: 'Why are you going through my phone?' BF: 'Do you have something to hide?' Me: 'I'm gonna have a body to hide if you keep it up.'
"
205967,"The doctor told me I should stop masturbating today. So I look him straight in the eye and asked him """"why?"""". And then he said something about not being able to work in these conditions.
"
55849,"And Jesus said unto John... And Jesus said unto John come forth and I shall give you everlasting life. But John came fifth so he only won a toaster.
"
141534,"It's been scientifically proven that women who worry are smart. I must be a freaking genius.
"
66998,"Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on  the side? A: So the cops can find the handles.
"
65851,"Did you guys hear the news? Apparently Donald Trump is a cuck.
"
155690,"I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!
"
108939,"Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing the chickens.
"
122343,"The Oscars so white I gotta wear shades.
"
152695,"Driving down the highway and on the side of the road I see a preist fucking a goat! I yell out 'hey, wrong kid!'
"
35265,"Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
"
186131,"-I can't stand liars and fakes -You are so pretty -See? Why can't everyone be honest like you
"
39003,"I asked my English friend what his favourite summer accessory is. He said, """"Clouds.""""
"
126631,"How many bruthas does it take to clean a kitchen? None, that's women's work!
"
64692,"[pharmacy] """"I'd like a refill for this bottle of pills"""" PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof? """"No thanks, I already believe in children""""
"
220232,"What do you call someone who throws up after drinking too much orange soda? ... Fantastic
"
118529,"Fairytales You know what the two most known fairytales start with? """"Once upon a time"""" and, """"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.""""
"
42301,"Why did the hipster die? someone told him billions of people were alive.
"
36435,"birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said """" One would've done""""
"
182235,"What's a Trump supporter's favorite topic? Hillary Clinton.
"
151837,"What do you call a redditor in the restroom? A shitposter.
"
66733,"I saw your link on Facebook. What happened next will blow your mind.......I didn't open it.
"
140962,"The groom upon his engagement went to his  father and said """"I've found a woman just like mother!"""" His father replied """"So what do you want from me sympathy?""""
"
74630,"What's the difference between me and my couch? My couch pulls out
"
108513,"Why did the cod sue the fish and chip shop? Assault and battery. Sorry again. I'm bored in work.
"
99965,"""""This love triangle is WAY too complicated"""" Pythagoras' other woman
"
31466,"I was having dinner with a snowman... The other day I was having dinner with a snowman, and he says """"Am I crazy, or does it smell like carrots in here?""""
"
191008,"A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes he would win. To his surprise, 6 puns in ten did.
"
158949,"I became rich by selling fertilizer. I have some very prosperous phosphorus.
"
150205,"A scared look and a """"let me go google that"""" is not what you want to hear from the gynecologist.
"
135663,"Chuck Norris is so awesome... He counted to infinity, twice.
"
198257,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bing ! Bing who ? Bing down the house !
"
47202,"Our wedding pic looks like my wife's selfie photo bombed by me.
"
195468,"What's the difference between a shrimp with big tits and a bus station full of old people? One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station!
"
68638,"Women my age expect a man to have his shit together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
"
187685,"- """"Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?"""" - """"I'm going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too""""
"
101188,"How does someone with amnesia tell a joke? I don't remember.
"
35587,"New Thesaurus I bought a new thesaurus, it's terrible. It's also terrible.
"
209261,"Reasons to jump: 1. Trampoline 2. Skydiving 3. Bungee jumping 4. Kris Kross made you
"
5442,"What does a Mexican duck say? Guac Guac
"
166643,"I'm commonly known to my friends as """"that nutty guy"""" Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can't talk.
"
176874,"My brother said he's incontinent. Yeah, he said he's wet his pants in nearly every nation in the world.
"
8775,"My dentist isn't racist. He has loads of plaque friends.
"
55331,"Can we PLEASE... stop beating a dead gorilla.
"
49681,"A man is drunk outside a bar Suddenly he starts beating up a nun walking by. Two bystanders pull him off the battered nun and the drunk yells """"you ain't so tuff now are you batman!""""
"
176721,"Kinda weird how much we're attracted to each other's genitals even though they're gross.
"
220722,"Great news insomniacs! Only 12 sleeps til Christmas.
"
151358,"What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics? Walking.
"
185098,"Rodney Dangerfield joke I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
"
212039,"Fishermen are reel men.
"
187763,"Why did the astronomer hit himself on the head in the afternoon? He wanted to see stars during the day.
"
119509,"My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they're like """"It wasn't that hard.""""
"
187437,"How many 'sah dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it's already lit.
"
169513,"Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning's church service.
"
131826,"How do you take a pig to hospital? By hambulance!
"
151128,"What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password? 1forrest1
"
209416,"Four gay men walk into a bar and there's only one available stool. What do they do? Flip the stool over.
"
163170,"'maybe the world wasn't ready for pizza perfume' i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other
"
107649,"If swallowing battery acid mixed with Dr. Pepper doesn't turn you into a wizard, then call me an ambulance.
"
222641,"*overeats sugar* *gets diabetes* *gets limbs amputated* *can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
"
202961,"Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you're doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
"
164949,"There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
"
182358,"What did hitler say when the jews escaped aw shwitz!
"
87077,"The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.
"
124083,"You could film me for a month and still not have enough footage for a 30 second 'Rocky training' typed montage of my productiveness at work.
"
95419,"I want to be seen Especially before you slam that door into my face!
"
141796,"What happens when a blonde wins a gold medal at the Olympics? She has it bronzed.
"
153464,"My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta... Yuk yuk yuk
"
165465,"Ultimate confusion What is the ultimate confusion? Two gay guys in a hottub full of sausages.
"
105177,"I just read a book on Stockholm Syndrome... At first it was pretty bad, but by the end I kinda liked it.
"
26421,"Why was the dolphin depressed? He felt he had no porpoise in life
"
87954,"How many teens does it take to change a light bulb 1, they stand there and wait for the world to revolve around them
"
128398,"Joke for chemistry nerds ;) Argon walks into a bar and the bartender says: -We don't serve noble gases here! Argon doesn't react.
"
564,"what did cinderella do when she got to the ball? gag...
"
46019,"With my luck, I bet if I was homeless, I'd probably end up with the shopping cart with the fucked up wheel.
"
18974,"midget in the library midget walks into a library and ask do you have any books on irony? the librarian replies sure they are on the top shelf
"
32843,"My cat's staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she's mulling over past social situations she wishes she'd handled better.
"
212045,"It's a shame push-up bras don't work on IQs.
"
117905,"Never marry a girl whose mother's name is Hope.... because 'Hope' never dies.
"
106938,"A toothless termite walks into a bar... and says, """"Is the bar tender here?""""
"
58416,"Today, the tree my family planted 15 years ago died and had to be cut down. I'm mourning wood.
"
171101,"Almost touched an old person tonight. Luckily I jerked my arm away before they could drain me of my youth and vigor.
"
50704,"What do you call a cheat sheet you use for a Philosophy test? A Nietzsche-t sheet!
"
184299,"Why is the term """"genitals"""" plural? Do I have another penis I'm not aware of?
"
98130,"If the opposite of pro is con... Wouldn't the opposite of progress be the congress?
"
178635,"Do you know why Bill Clinton played the saxophone? Because he lost his whoremonica
"
79504,"What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Asian businessmen don't pay thousands of dollars to have a lentil on their face
"
133069,"What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in....
"
180573,"How does a hacker speak with bread? He uses wheat speak.
"
29041,"""""No, everything's fine"""" must've been a great phrase to say before women got hold of it.
"
162156,"What did the gay man say to his cheating boyfriend? I see you already have your shit packed, now get out.
"
139438,"Why was the racehorse names Strawberry  Ice? He was a sherbet!
"
116925,"I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point. She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
"
74423,"I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
"
138231,"A history professor was given a boring lecture about Russian dictators Finally, an exasperated student exclaimed,""""stop, you're putin me to sleep""""
"
194697,"Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake? Him: The fact that you're calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
"
168073,"[interview] HIM: What are your strengths? ME: Well, I can see dead people. HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies? ME: Grave digging
"
29132,"The original Karate Kid is currently the same age as Mr. Miyagi was in the movie, 51. My youth just got crane kicked in the bean bag.
"
89471,"School is like a penis... Long and hard unless you're Asian
"
74009,"Up-Dog Something smells like updog.
"
59920,"How do you make a little boy cry twice when your finished wipe your dick on his favourite teddy bear
"
95577,"Donald Trump is elected president...
"
119565,"What do snakes write on the bottom of their  letters? With love and hisses.
"
83882,"Reporter: Sir, how do view lesbian Relationships.?.. Me: Full HD.
"
155118,"We're sorry, the number you have dialed... 911 has been changed to a non-published number. Please make a note of it.
"
188782,"Why does Mrs Pepper walk funny Cause Dr Pepper comes in a can.
"
44491,"in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
"
41651,"My son answered a test question """"What causes the earth to rotate?"""" with """"Fat bottomed girls."""" He failed the test but won my RESPECT.
"
23330,"Why is Steve Jobs middle child unemployed? Because he's always inbetween jobs.
"
175314,"I went for a run. I was out 2 minutes before I had to return because I forgot something... ...I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes
"
206993,"There was a deaf mute who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.
"
214589,"My thesis just came back with """"Appendix?"""" scrawled on it. Seems a little forward  but I thought: sure, why not?.
"
164689,"I like my girls like I like my coffee. In a bag in my freezer
"
867,"Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
"
229279,"Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee's Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
"
136777,"What's blue and tacky? Smurf shit
"
81183,"How do farmers find their sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying!!
"
49292,"Hey Prius owners your entire car is a bumper sticker
"
206616,"Poker Face. But I barely know her!
"
72787,"I Want To Be Pampered! Actually, any brand will do.
"
162981,"I majored in Politics, Computer Science, and Dance. Now I'm stuck writing Al Gore Rhythms.
"
2226,"Every time I don't clog a toilet I feel like I've gotten away with something
"
43402,"Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
"
58964,"Only 1 month left til black people misspell Kwanzaa.
"
78922,"half life 3 will never come out lmfao got u~
"
62816,"What do you call a murder committed by a gay person? *homo*cide ;)
"
38474,"My friend brags to me all the time about the women he has seen naked We both agreed the internet is awesome.
"
22353,"A comment suitable for most of the reddit jokes Repost
"
163757,"A world without women... Would be such a pain in the ass.
"
168463,"What do you call a person who you had a one night stand with on Mars? A solmate
"
139155,"A team of computer scientists just announced their discovery of the new largest prime number. Apparently it's 5x larger than the last one!
"
66406,"I almost got raped in jail ... My family takes monopoly way too seriously.
"
192826,"Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called """"I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to
"
77139,"Has legs, but don't walk... has feathers but it is not a chicken... What it is? A dead horse with a duster in his ass
"
200112,"""""Is there a Mrs. Prime?"""" -- EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
"
164900,"Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy? Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they'd beaspirin tablets!
"
125223,"My To Do List: 1. Buy a flat screen TV. 2. Hang it on a wall. 3. Put a tub of boiling water under the TV 4. Watch """"The Ring"""" and see tht bitch fall when she crawls outta my TV.
"
145390,"What is the premier dish in Israeli-Japanese cuisine? Jewshi
"
186653,"You know what they called vegetarians 300 years ago.... Poor People...
"
64170,"What do making love in a canoe and Budweiser have in common? Both are fucking close to water.
"
169117,"Most girls: """"I hangout with guys, there's less drama."""" Me: """"I hangout by myself. There's no drama & I don't have to wear pants.""""
"
105029,"Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
"
99073,"How my girlfriend stay's thin. Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin? She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.
"
194368,"What is the square root of 69? Ate Something! (""""8 something"""", actually 8.306)
"
6219,"Its stupid of Apple to include Health apps with their products... ...Everybody knows that people with one Kidney are not supposed to run.
"
148276,"I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been banged more than a snooze button on Monday morning.
"
217248,"I give new meaning to the word """"awesome."""" At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
"
4888,"when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won't eat a dog
"
63044,"What is the difference between your wife and your job? After ten years your job still sucks
"
89442,"A Mexican kid passes a note to his friend in class. """"What do you think you're doing?"""" the observant teacher asks. To which he replies... """"writing an ese""""
"
189935,"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh 10 tickles
"
31515,"You can tell a lot about a person's personality by the type of car they drive. I haven't got one.
"
9684,"I asked my friend how she liked her first Brazilian wax... She told me it was a complete rip-off.
"
59689,"Wow she actually noticed me! Time to pick a different tree.
"
25073,"Obviously you don't think you're ignorant! That's the meaning of ignorance!
"
198656,"How many egocentrics does it take to change a light-bulb? Me, and only me!
"
133580,"Man, I really hate all these low level Pokemon... They're always breaking my balls.
"
33495,"What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies? Oh wait, I don't have a garage. Sorry neighbor I'll clean them out tomorrow.
"
121353,"What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
"
52052,"20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
"
137226,"Hey dude, there's 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to... And now he's talking to me! Someone call 911!
"
6796,"FUN FACT: Teens in the late 1800s sent/received an average of 75 telegrams a day.
"
58110,"your mom is so fat that.. The whole U.S nation started this """"ur moms so fat"""" joke exclusively because of her
"
84949,"So Putin and Erdogan walk into a bar. Sorry, a war.
"
161378,"How to avoid clickbait Not like this
"
198572,"What's the difference between and egg and a wank? You can beat a an egg but you can't beat a wank.
"
123101,"Who is the greatest painter of this century?  Pigcasso!
"
200209,"What's the best way to get the aristocracy out of France? A chopper
"
172996,"What does Snoop Dogg do when he forgets to put on oven mitts? He drops it like it's hot.
"
92304,"How do you fix a broken website? With stick e-tape.
"
56550,"*Putting ikea furniture together* Her: ummm, it's supposed to be a dresser Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA
"
114162,"Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies!
"
83285,"feminism .
"
37536,"Did you hear about the Christmas Party in San Bernadino? It was wild. A Muslim couple showed up and put 14 presents six feet under the Christmas Tree.
"
155812,"my friend told me on first dates i should just """"be myself"""" and """"be confident"""" and i was like """"ok but which one?""""
"
163580,"Why did the tomato blush? He saw the salad dressing
"
141261,"NSFW What is little, red and crawling up a womans leg? A failed abortion with homesickness.
"
189195,"When I was born I was so mad at my parents I didn't talk to them for 2 years
"
134650,"[at a bar] """"I'm meeting my friend Dan"""" big Dan or Dan who's never has money? [door swings open] HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK
"
22459,"What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before they were married? Fiancee
"
147203,"What do a communist and a nihilist have in common? It's all the same to them
"
122703,"I'm going to have to rethink my time machine rental business. People keep bringing them back a day before they rented them.
"
126173,"Have you ever heard of the s-shaped well? It's pretty swell. And I would tell you about the d-shaped well, but I'd rather not dwell on it.
"
230917,"I had tears in my eyes when my dad chopped up Onions I loved Onions. He was a great dog.
"
71804,"Why don't progressives go to the dentist? Because dentists like everything straight and white.
"
79535,"You can say what you like about Paedophiles... ..at least they drive slowly in a school area.
"
148748,"Did you ever hear about the vegan, the atheist, and the crossfitter who walked into a bar together? I don't know how you haven't heard about them, they told everyone.
"
215510,"Why do medicine boxes always have a little bit of cotton in them? To remeber the black man of what he did before he dealt drugs.
"
2794,"What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Wife.
"
46246,"Man walks into a bar... ...with a piece of tarmac under his arm, says to the barman 'give us a pint and one for the road...'
"
135498,"Isn't it ironic how so many females are attracted to assholes, but rarely say """"yes"""" to anal?
"
101147,"What did Caesar say to Cleopatra ? Toga-ether we can rule the world !
"
67179,"What is a pirate's favorite letter? Ya think it be R, but it's da C!
"
218211,"My favorite sexual position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
"
17313,"""""UNLESS WE'RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE'S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!"""" - me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
"
104699,"I bet there are at least a few seconds when a tiger is chasing you where you look back and are like, """"awwww...""""
"
85947,"Three dyslexics walk into a bra...
"
154863,"What do you get if you cross a steer and a chicken? Roost beef!
"
144532,"An old lady at an ATM asked me if I could help her check her balance... So I pushed her over.
"
161493,"Stuart hall, Rolf harris and Max clifford walk into an Irish bar. Barman says not Yew Tree again
"
66886,"My roommate is painting and makes a mistake... Him: """"gah why can't I Ctrl-z!?"""" My inner dad: """"because z is a rouge letter""""
"
157636,"What do Anne Frank and Bin Laden have in common? They're both hide and seek champions!
"
23861,"What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear!
"
70542,"I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.
"
102048,"I have such bad luck getting a girl to come over... I watched the video from """"The Ring"""" and the creepy chick called seven days later and said something came up and she couldn't make it.
"
42095,"Yo mama is so fat that when she fell in love She broke it.
"
116731,"I feel creepy every time I 'follow' someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good
"
126952,"When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
"
137194,"I assume most of braille writing is just shit talking about non-blind people.
"
25310,"A cheesemaker is hard-strapped for cash... He decided to get a Provolone.
"
127923,"""""I'm Googling some people to play Wii with"""" -2010: normal. -1997: weird as fuck.
"
34922,"Is this one haunted? """"No"""" What about that one? """"Ma'am, none of the booze is haunted"""" What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
"
32195,"In all US bars you can now order an Osama Bin Laden... two shots and a splash of water
"
95367,"What did the 2 tampons say to each other? Nothing because they were both stuck up cunts.
"
136482,"First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
"
15087,"A very British joke: I went to a class to learn how to make the perfect cup of tea It was a steep learning curve
"
149958,"Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them.
"
113564,"[watching """"Cinderella""""] 5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors? Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba.
"
103555,"stupid knock knock joke Knock knock Who's there Little old lady Little old lady who I didn't know you can yodel
"
156557,"Wish I wasn't raising my kids in an era where mediocrity was celebrated.
"
20601,"I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
"
134812,"What kind of pants do Mario and Luigi wear? Denim Denim Denim
"
171403,"So this one time I offered some shrimp to this Jewish friend of mine... Me: This shrimp is great. Wanna try some? Friend: Sorry, I'm Jewish. Me: No, it's free! *from a comic by Cyanide and Happiness*
"
146275,"What does E.T. stand for? Freedom of speech
"
111980,"Why do rednecks like to do it doggie style? So they both can watch Nascar.
"
178650,"Why was the Amish girl kicked out of her community? Too Mennonite
"
117698,"Watching too much porn gave me unrealistic expectations of sex I really thought it would happen
"
202132,"Things that cause extreme panic: - Accidentally liking a Tweet - No milk - Unknown numbers - The question """"you don't remember me do you?""""
"
206886,"Whats brown and sticky? a stick
"
209803,"If people were as passionate about world affairs as they are about their opinions on tattoos, we'd be on WWVIII by now.
"
107086,"I heard today is World Alzheimer's Day Sorry, I just forgot.
"
85609,"How do you kill a fox? Give it one leg and make it run across Canada
"
176714,"Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps... unless she's plotting your murder... then don't be that.
"
8248,"Good Cop: Book 'em. Illiterate Cop: I'll just wait for the movie.
"
90990,"Darling """"Darling, can I go out in this dress?"""" """"Yes dear, it's already dark out.""""
"
215136,"I really like non-sequiters But I prefer irony.
"
206426,"Saw this one in my maths class Student: Sir I'm cold! Teacher: Go and stand in the corner then. Student: Why would I do that? Teacher: Because it's 90 degrees over there.
"
159738,"Saw a white guy putting daisies in masa. He was trying to make flower tortillas.
"
101781,"What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
"
175240,"Which Vice President was the best at making beats? Algorithm
"
46947,"Friends and lovers may come and go but allergies are forever.
"
100292,"You find my yoga pants distracting... ...would you like me to take them off?
"
228969,"I just submitted my application to be on the next season of Survivor... Which apparently was not the answer my dad was looking for when he asked """"How is the job search going?""""
"
81746,"Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it's antidisestablishmentarianism.
"
227556,"According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
"
9645,"What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes? Nothing.
"
135276,"A classic: what do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
"
35354,"Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald's find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
"
90512,"Why are black crimes hard to solve? Because they're all criminals and they look the same.
"
55992,"If you've never had diarrhea from drinking Jack Daniels... then you don't know Jack shits.
"
106195,"Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
"
120249,"just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I'm gonna need a minute
"
115137,"Why won't bankers go to the opera? Because they quickly lose interest
"
131774,"I'm not surprised the Seahawks chose to pass... Lynch was only there so he wouldn't get fined.
"
169724,"What do you call a Kiwi with one leg? Not even bro.
"
225636,"Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a loaf of bread.
"
231406,"What do you call it when a stripper works for free? Pro boner
"
186277,"Boy: Hey girl, you are ABCDEFGHIJK Girl: What?! Boy: Amazing, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous, hot Girl: Awww, what about the IJK?? Boy: IM JUST KIDDING!!!!
"
148279,"Who does Hitler call when his dog is sick? A Veteran Aryan
"
215344,"What do you call a gay cripple? Tomato.
"
63481,"Did you hear about the COW that got a promotion? She was out standing in her field. **Edited for political correctness.
"
81429,"having sex for pleasure Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.
"
112284,"You know you're drunk when... ...you get home, put food in the microwave, and then enter your pin number.
"
197739,"Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneeded a poo!
"
162272,"I got a job at a bakery today I kneaded the dough.
"
139193,"There once was a girl from Nantucket... Who carried her ice in a bucket. She walked down a hill. She had a great spill. And when she got up, she said, """"I'm going to watch my step next time!""""
"
223501,"Whats with all this Anti-Semitic Jokes lately? Jew nose... - I am truely sorry for that one
"
76240,"I'm old enough to remember when there was only one fat kid in class photos.
"
106575,"What does a Nazi Turkey say? Goebbels, Goebbels,Goebbels...
"
75233,"I woke up the other day and had really bad bed head. Never called her again.
"
155412,"What do you do if you lose all the information on your computer? Ask the NSA for a backup.
"
119021,"I almost had to go the hospital today because a stranger threw a can of Pepsi at me... I'm just glad it was a soft drink. Otherwise, I would have had to get surgery.
"
26937,"*Fakes Phone Call* """"Yes a thousand doves please....well give me pigeons and i can paint them white"""" (cups hand over phone) """"I plan weddings""""
"
91406,"Sperm bank I wounder if the receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used phrase """"Thanks for coming"""".
"
218431,"In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
"
26571,"The other day I held the door open for a clown I thought it was a nice jester.
"
86442,"Why is a room full of married people empty? There isn't a single person in it.
"
129817,"My mom is the healthiest person I know... She's been a vegetable her whole life.
"
50310,"Dear #Athiests Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
"
74536,"Q&amp;A / ALMOST CHOKES IN cinnamon challenge Watch This Guy DO A Q*A And Almost Chokes ON The cinnamon challenge
"
173699,"""""When you exit the bus please be sure to lower your head and watch your step."""" """"If you miss your step and hit your head please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.""""
"
101263,"One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.
"
46182,"A fat Man is a joke... AND a fat woman is two jokes- one on herself and the other on her husband.
"
203090,"Give a man a fish... ...and feed him for a day. Give a man to a fish, and feed it for like months.
"
217750,"How many heroin addicts does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to hold the lightbulb and three to smoke until the room starts spinning!
"
164799,"What's pink and red and goes 100MPH. A baby in a blender.
"
25443,"My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since
"
185093,"How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis... LADDER! I said ladder!
"
43226,"I never wash my fruit, in case anybody's wondering how badass I am.
"
140288,"Why are there so many dogs at the pound? Because no one wants them.
"
73145,"If you ever feeling worthless, just remember that Gotham City has a police department.
"
112176,"When should I reach the bus station if the bus leaves at 1530 hrs? before 15:30 ... ^I'll ^show ^myself ^out
"
115315,"Killing someone with kindness sounds like a lot of work to me.
"
79150,"I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.
"
211338,"If you ain't Muslim... ....you ain't Shiite
"
168602,"If you go to the zoo and he doesn't help you steal a monkey, he's not that into you.
"
17265,"[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon] astronaut: """"we should've taken our own"""" astronaut holding net: """"just keep looking""""
"
148332,"You know what the downside about Crotchless panties is.. One ball always manages to slip out..
"
41400,"First cannibal: We had burglars last night.  Second cannibal: Did they taste good?
"
162506,"Q: Why was the chessmaster interested in foreign women? A: He wanted a Czech mate.
"
127064,"What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts. . What do you call nuts on a chest? . Chestnuts. . What do you call nuts on a chin? . A blowjob.
"
195236,"My ex broke up with me because she wanted a man with a 9inch penis :(... ... and there was no way I was cutting two inches off.
"
163676,"I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
"
53945,"I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
"
73184,"I passed out drunk at a party and I woke up to some random dude blowing me.... I yell at him angrily """"As soon as you're finished, I'm kicking your ass!""""
"
112063,"I had a bowl of Cap'n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
"
92083,"They say time flies like the wind.. But fruit flies like bananas
"
96340,"Pun challenge My friend entered a pun tournament this weekend and had to submit 10 puns. When I asked if he won, he told me """"No pun in ten did""""
"
58553,"If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make? The first airplane.
"
11584,"There are 10 kinds of people in this world... ...those who understand binary and those who don't
"
147278,"What do they call Reddit in France? Ribbit
"
20056,"I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes. Edit: Apparently a lot of you are all teaching my mother new things too. Weird.
"
228751,"I'm not desperate because i'm single, i'm single because i'm not desperate.
"
95180,"Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
"
157348,"If Trump becomes president... It would be the first instance of a white billionaire kicking a black family out of public housing.
"
21336,"What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim....
"
46084,"In the summer there's only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
"
11214,"A new prisoner meets Elsa in his new cell... A new prisoner meets Elsa in a cell in the prison. He asks her: """"Why are you here?"""" And Elsa answers: """"Because they don't let me go.""""
"
137375,"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Rustle.
"
228266,"What type of government would a nation ran by Alvin and the Chipmunks be called? A theocracy.
"
21172,"- What do you think about the coming battle  General? - God knows it will be lost. - Then why should we go for it? - To find out who is the loser.
"
211908,"I like my women like I like my coffee with my dick in them.
"
112804,"Son: Dad, I'm gay. Dad: whatever floats your boat son. Son: what floats your boat dad? Dad: Buoyancy.
"
190317,"An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama's a Muslim
"
139939,"Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11? Americans can't milk the cow for 14 years.
"
70165,"Did you hear about the cheese that exploded? There was debrie everywhere.
"
147116,"I got stopped outside the pharmacy today, by a woman holding a clipboard. """"What products do you use for grooming?"""" she asked me. Her face looked quite taken aback when I said, """"Facebook""""
"
152772,"Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? A: That's the banjo player's porsche.
"
73578,"Impatient means she's restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital... Learned that one the hard way.
"
127252,"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
"
146842,"Caterpillars: Neither cats NOR pillars.
"
45659,"What did the Mexican firefighter name his two children? Hose A and Hose B
"
178430,"Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
"
168686,"The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
"
119341,"Did you hear George R R Martin committed suicide? Yeah. I saw it coming too.
"
15398,"If this tweet gets 5 retweets, I will threaten a public official on Facebook.
"
135843,"*wife walks over to me* *cups my face with her hands* *looks me in the eye* """"Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?""""
"
87719,"So a midget psychic broke out of jail the other day... the headlines read """"small medium at large""""
"
118850,"How can you tell if a redditor is a pedophile? When you make an ELI5 post, you end up receiving a dick pic.
"
87516,"""""Daaaaaaaaaaaad, what should I do with this industrial roll of bubble wrap?"""" """"Just pop it in the corner please"""" It took me 2 hours.
"
122658,"What happens when you give Donald Trump Viagra? He gets taller.
"
47679,"What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic? You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.
"
95701,"A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not. He's eggnogstic.
"
213043,"What's the biggest joke of 2016? Look a bit to the right.
"
77449,"How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I will tell you later. SOURCE: Heard it on the subway
"
92818,"What did the pirate Louis Riel say to the villagers? Yarrrrrrr Metis!
"
212305,"2 Muffins are sitting in the oven... Muffin 1: """"it's really hot in here"""" Muffin 2: """"holy shit! A talking Muffin!""""
"
213057,"I had friend that died of indigestion Its just not the same now Gav is gone
"
205692,"Math joke: Why can't you derivate a social scientist? Because they don't have a function
"
102157,"What did the judge say when the defendant cause a ruckus in vegetable court? Bay leaf get him out if here!
"
47978,"I wish I could just """"like"""" a text message so I don't have to respond.
"
186739,"What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk? anUDDER failure.
"
76052,"If NASA are ever going to send someone to mars to collect water samples, They're going to have to planet very carefully!
"
35080,"Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret? He was a blubber mouth!
"
223118,"COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim's mirror ME: You can't prove it was me COP: It was written in Dorito dust ME: I want a lawyer
"
231480,"What is the best way to get called a ,""""genius?"""" ...by losing a billion dollars in business.
"
19372,"I heard that Auschwitz had to ask people to stop playing Pokemon Go. Which is weird, because they have the same slogan. Gotta catch 'em all.
"
146949,"ME: Leave me alone! You're not my real dad! CRAWDAD: [patiently] I am doing my best to raise you on my own. Now eat your plankton.
"
24107,"It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean...it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..
"
209739,"A SEO expert walks into a bar Bar, bars, pub, lounge, restaurant, beer garden, nightclub, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, beer, wine, whisky
"
2738,"Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
"
229136,"The Flat Earth Society No further comments needed.
"
95841,"Do you know what moth balls smell like? How did you get their tiny legs apart?
"
104096,"Wow, the guy buried alive with weed in his pocket must be rolling in his grave right now.
"
78722,"My daughter bought a new mattress for when she goes off to school, but was undecided about whether to keep it. I told her to sleep on it.
"
85043,"What is the funniest two legged lizard? The stand-up chameleon.
"
88471,"Cam Newton has been fitted with a GoPro strapped to his leg for the Super Bowl, sponsored by a canned meat company. It's called the Spam Cam Newton Gam Cam
"
38461,"If you have a donkey and I have a rooster, and your donkey bites off my roosters feet. What do you have? 2 feet of my cock in your ass
"
116822,"Whats the difference between a Russian garbanzo bean and a Russian chickpea? A president has never been blackmailed into treason over a video of him paying to have a Russian garbanzo bean on his face.
"
158245,"I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
"
39830,"My wife and I are both feminists But I'm a man so I'm a bit better than her at it
"
132024,"I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people. It's a lot to digest...
"
198974,"A person died laughing... This tale is told posthumously.
"
210242,"I'm a Buddhist coke head I hope when I'm reincarnated I come back as a donkey, so I can grind my teeth all day.
"
70652,"What's big, yellow, and can't swim? A schoolbus full of children.
"
222972,"VA Nurse joke What is the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet? * A bullet can draw blood * A bullet can be fired * A bullet can only kill one person
"
30277,"Roma menstruation Q. What's the best thing about a Gypsy on her period? A. When you finger her you get your palm red for free.
"
2529,"It's been about 3 years since my last drink and I'm still hungover.
"
112573,"My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we both are... But I laugh more.
"
160219,"We don't have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country's been through too much already.
"
70002,"I took my item up to the counter. """"I'd like to return this,"""" I said, with a tear in my eye, """"It didn't work."""" He said, """"I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms.""""
"
124142,"""""I'm a great listener."""" - The US government on a first date.
"
36277,"Snoo VS Reddit Stalker More like... ***Alien VS Predator...*** **/o\**
"
80393,"I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 4K
"
117978,"My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I'd be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
"
128503,"What did the jewish pedophile say to the child? """"Wanna buy some candy?""""
"
192396,"What did the train on the way to Auschwitz say? JEW JEW! TUGATUGATUGATUGA JEW JEW!
"
179639,"How Jesus was named: Mary: Joseph, I'm having a baby. Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
"
42993,"What did the egg say to the boiling water? """"Sorry, it's going to take me a while to get hard, I got laid last night.""""
"
138931,"I'm rubber, you're glue. We are both very handy and have a variety of practical uses.
"
97101,"Girl Horribly Rejected https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=va9sVhWuAv8&amp;feature=youtu.be
"
191929,"Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after Chuck Norris gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
"
229731,"How do you know your sister's on her period? Your dad's cock tastes like blood.
"
196757,"""""Wow, you're tall.. Do you play basketball?"""" """"Wow, you're short. Do you play mini golf?""""
"
119038,"What is Hitler's phone number? 999-999-999
"
18821,"Are hamburgers male? Yes because they're boygers not girlgers!
"
160833,"Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? one's really heavy and the others a little lighter!
"
44131,"All I want for Christmas is my own perfume commercial where I say random words like 'hope' and 'passion' & look like a date rape victim.
"
200676,"What did the caught fish say to the fisherman in the net? Well man it's been reel.
"
41718,"I'm not racist. Some of my best friends are white such as Joey, Phoebe and Rachel. And I can't forget Chandler.
"
83678,"How many Metropolitan Police does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
"
225946,"Yep, we're the minority around here when we have the only Wi-Fi network name written in English in the entire neighborhood.
"
128348,"So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago... ...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
"
118112,"Yo mamma so fat... When you download a picture of her at work, the IT department thinks they're under a DDoS attack.
"
66621,"The first Olympic sailing results are in England has taken gold, France has taken silver and Somalia has taken the boat.
"
144429,"Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat... sooner or later you'll get pissed off.
"
144661,"Stereotyping people because of their religion is not nice. Whether they be a Christian, a Jew, a Buddhist, a Hindu, an Atheist, or a terrorist.
"
120404,"Bad: I saw my girlfriend's name and number on a couple of men's bathroom walls.. Worse: It was in her handwriting...
"
215321,"Why couldn't the cop save the hippie from drowning? He was too far out man
"
17335,"If you think nobody cares whether you're alive... try missing a couple of payments.
"
213077,"Good luck listening to 80's music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
"
74839,"What's the hardest part of a vegatable to eat? The wheelchair.
"
104213,"*eats pizza out of box in bed *falls asleep *wakes up next to leftover pizza Voila! Breakfast in bed!
"
189591,"Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord. Gsus
"
169281,"I can't make it tonight. There's a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
"
120196,"Why did the tomcat get sent to prison? For looking at kitty porn.
"
24347,"Which stretches further, skin or rubber? Skin. It says in the bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 10 miles.
"
204058,"A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk' to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill.
"
129572,"I'm not saying she's a slut, but if she had as many dicks sticking out of her as she did in her, She'd be a porcupine!
"
188767,"There's no way Kat Von D knows when she's done showering.
"
71135,"Invite everyone you know over for dinner. Set the table really fancy. Serve 6 courses that are just mayonnaise in different bowls/plates
"
177919,"Why can't a T-Rex clap Because it's extinct
"
18712,"One day two blind men started fighting. Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them. Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out """"I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife."""" Both men ran away.
"
75940,"The """"oops, wrong hole"""" excuse doesn't work when she catches you with her best friend.
"
100947,"Ever notice how white women over 40 can't dance without clapping?
"
183184,"I got voted """"Least Likely To Succeed"""" by my high school class... Fuck, I hate being a teacher.
"
222079,"I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia
"
176642,"Me and my girlfriend were on a cruise, listening to Bob Marley. She said he was Upboat.
"
216055,"Why does Freud always have a cigar? Penis envy.
"
144128,"Jesus: *turns water into wine* Me: nice Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak* Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit
"
201404,"*Jesus emerges from tomb* Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?
"
157714,"What's a narcoleptics favorite game? Hide and go sleep.
"
123472,"I really love the way the earth rotates... It makes my day.
"
35845,"What do the Irish do after winning the world cup? They proceed to Chapter 9: The Dark Mark
"
143494,"What kind of food can't blind people eat? Seafood.
"
119667,"Why do Japanese people have slanty eyes? Atomic bombs are realllllly bright.
"
41031,"What if the pilgrims had shot a Bobcat instead of a Turkey? (NSFW) We'd be eating pussy for Thanksgiving!
"
38068,"I can see my Uber driver's car is almost out of gas and it's really stressing me out.
"
105425,"I met my wife in an African Languages class. We just clicked.
"
134359,"I used to drink beer in my underwear but now I use a glass.
"
210817,"What's white and fuzzy and lives high up in the trees? A Meringue - a - tan.
"
116267,"What do you call two breath mints that were turned into humans by a scientist? Ex-pair-a-mints.
"
95940,"Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.
"
90181,"What do Donald Trump and Pokemon have in common? The only thing they can say are their name and random bullsh**.
"
129761,"You know, I'm really worried about future of Kickstarter with all this talk about cannabis legalization. Nobody wants to have to sift through even more half baked ideas.
"
54453,"Jean shorts on men should be called Danny Dukes. Or Daisy Dons. Or maybe just Poor Life Choices.
"
28496,"Unemployment jokes aren't funny They just don't work
"
163028,"What is a wolf's favourite dance move? The Shuffle ... pack of wolves.
"
191501,"What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.
"
14258,"People say drugs are bad, but I'm calling complete BS on that. I've only been on meth for 20 minutes and I'm already the king of Jupiter.
"
163836,"Dog: I'm a man's best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me. Pussycat: Yeah, you're not gonna win this one.
"
147389,"I got my first kiss from a girl today.... It was milk chocolate.
"
141460,"Racism is wrong I have never been racist before. It's wrong for anybody to be racist, it doesn't matter whether they're black, Asian, or normal.
"
216320,"Daughter is acting so rude I'm not sure she's even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube's comments section.
"
203162,"Two antennas met on a roof and got married. The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great.
"
199895,"Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
"
141646,"Difference between a nun and a nympho in a bath One has a Soul full of hope...
"
30006,"What did the clown say after having a few drinks? """"I'm feeling funny""""
"
207192,"- Doc, how did you know that I have high blood pressure? - You make mosquitoes explode!
"
226111,"I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
"
196256,"How does a dog catcher gets paid? by the pound.
"
142763,"Apple recently created a more child-friendly iTouch. It's called the iTouch-Kids.
"
20009,"A pirate walks into a brothel and says... """"ARG! THERE SHE BLOWS!"""" Edit: Wow 8 views. thanks guys :D
"
209035,"I like my girls how I like my wine Ten-fifteen years old and locked in my basement.
"
125455,"A telephone rang. """"Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"""" """"Yes, it is,"""" came the reply. """"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.""""
"
156612,"A physicist sees a man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells """"Don't do it! You have so much potential!""""
"
136889,"My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!
"
206712,"I'm not crazy; I've just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.
"
192200,"I'm thinking of starting a Death-Metal themed take-away joint that caters to Pirates. I'm gonna call it """"Pizzas of Hate"""".
"
146444,"*you open a ring box and inside it is an enormous pair of jeans* He went to Jared
"
197122,"I used to miss Mitch Hedburg I still do... But I used to, too. RIP
"
105160,"In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most educated country in the world. Here in America it's National Cheeseburger Day.
"
113356,"Hi I'm michael cera and this is jackass [blows on his yogurt to make sure it's not to hot]
"
43066,"The only website a computer with Internet Explorer will ever see http://www.google.com/chrome gg
"
223039,"New Year's Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
"
186929,"A black hole was telling me a story... It sucked me right in.
"
102797,"What do you call a jewish pokemon trainer? Ash.
"
187769,"I almost forgot. Happy 4/20. Lets not waste time, lets smoke weed.
"
165681,"Nothing like listening to old school rap on the way to the office to make you want to smack a bitch.
"
57096,"girl you're like the water in flint, michigan you quench my thirst but i know you'll slowly kill me
"
5962,"What did the Chemist have with his Eggs? Barium, Cobalt and Nitrogen.
"
77393,"If I were to ask you to dance naked for me, would your answer be the same as to this question?
"
44064,"What do you call two gay scientists breaking up? A homolytic fission.
"
25927,"""""Axe"""" is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
"
125928,"He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I'm saying.
"
129784,"""""Of course I can paint your ceiling,"""" Michaelangelo scoffed. """"Gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dicks out on it though.""""
"
19472,"Can anyone help me. I don't know where to park my boat and all the other captains are making fun of me. im under alot of pier pressure!
"
173448,"What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizzas didn't scream when Hitler put them in the oven.
"
100870,"I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-Never mind, I found it.
"
228849,"What did the cookie say to the cracker? You feeling salty bro?
"
118548,"Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
"
142418,"""""Stressed"""" backwards is """"desserts"""" so chill and have that cupcake.
"
187220,"Automatic flusher Automatic soap dispenser Automatic sink Automatic paper towel dispenser N O W T O U C H T H E D O O R H A N D L E
"
9598,"Why did the semen cross the road? Because you wore the wrong sock.
"
135934,"Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
"
140553,"What is the difference between light and hard? Well, you can sleep with a light on.
"
42336,"I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend """"That's us in 10 years"""". She said """"That's a mirror"""".
"
130745,"I'm sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead. Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup. ~White people.
"
195648,"BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
"
12496,"I would like to learn more about frequencies But whenever I try to measure it, it only Hertz
"
121730,"Movie Ratings Explained G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
"
24074,"*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
"
225780,"I found a bug in Madden 2015 I sacked Tony Romo, and he didn't break his collarbone.
"
62339,"This guys car is stopped in the middle of the hwy with his flashers on. Probably thought of a really good tweet.
"
15302,"If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas and you will still die.
"
25450,"Police: Everything you say can and will be held against you Criminal: Boobs
"
166659,"So I ran into a guy named Juan Williams yesterday... Isn't he the guy who wrote the music for Star Juars?
"
126262,"I ate at this restaurant last night. After dinner they gave us some strange cookies. I ate that cookie right away but my friends all removed a small paper message from theirs. That cost me a fortune
"
75542,"Facebook likes I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
"
82680,"What do you call a guy who watches child porn on the dark web? A Tor pedo.
"
205944,"Grand Theft Auto 6 just announced. Already criticized for displaying """"excessive and gratuitous violence towards pedestrians"""". Apparently your character is just a normal on-duty cop.
"
141472,"What do you call a pessimistic pelican? A pelican't.
"
121185,"What happens when a pope dies? Another pops up.
"
41626,"What's SpongeBob's worst personality trait? He's way too self-absorbent
"
186313,"What do you call a two-legged-dog A puup
"
23270,"Monica Lewinsky just turned 43 It seems like only yesterday she was crawling on the floor of the White House
"
83501,"My wife is always trying to pick a fight by making fun of my impotence. Well she won't get a rise out of me.
"
42375,"[1st date] Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma'am ? Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?
"
29183,"Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
"
181397,"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
"
213429,"Anything you say can and will be held against you boobies
"
162561,"What kind of train eats too much? a chew chew train
"
190610,"The company I worked for was bought out by a billionaire from Spain... We didn't expect the Spanish Acquisition.
"
39846,"Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
"
179208,"What is today's best punch line? Paul christoforo
"
71874,"Why don't baseball players get much action? Because they have foul balls.
"
47348,"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with large breasts? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean!
"
26706,"I told my redneck uncle how I learned about the five pillars of Islam. He said Muslims must all be a bunch of pansies. Just one pillar has always been enough for him, and he sleeps just fine!
"
129950,"Why did the computer get a virus? He wasn't using protection.
"
210300,"What did the ISIS shepherd get arrested for? Trafficking sex workers.
"
117187,"What's a zombies favourite brand of crisps? Walkers
"
126715,"what do you call a red head's problem? a ginger ail
"
124559,"What Will Come After Fuller House? Fullest House. Then, Get Out of My House
"
164410,"Why was the vampire thought of as  simple-minded? Because he was a complete sucker.
"
114694,"Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can't eat this! Him: Does it matter that much? Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
"
125896,"What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
"
172466,"Someone at Sony Studios was arrested for having a bomb in his backpack. He was released after it was determined that it was the script for Ghostbusters
"
222402,"Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money.
"
121531,"I have a difficult time living in buildings near many neighbors I think I have an apartment complex.
"
27123,"There are two fish in a tank... ...one is driving, the other one is operating the guns
"
14346,"I used to be schizophrenic... but now we're ok.
"
127876,"What's the difference between a tuna, a piano and a gluestick? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
"
48314,"Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won't have to restart at the beginning of the level.
"
228122,"My fake mustache fell off in Home Depot and now they won't let me touch any of the power tools.
"
193622,"Velcro... That's a rip off
"
80443,"Heya /r/jokes! do you want to know how to keep a loser in suspense? I might tell you tomorrow.
"
36520,"What's a rabbits' favorite movie? Rabbits of the Lost Ark.
"
52921,"Caught my son running a Google search for """"adult entertainment"""". I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
"
161343,"What do you call a Flaming Homosexual? A hate crime.
"
211335,"watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence at least we don't have to save for college
"
169470,"In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
"
32902,"[On date] Her - """"so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?"""" Me - """"Jurassic Park theme""""
"
80538,"Why doesn't the sun go to college? It's extremely bright, it already has 28 million degrees.
"
228237,"What does a cow measure its harddrive in? Moogabytes
"
39770,"What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their greatest hits are on the wall.
"
203582,"To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn't tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It's on!!
"
114165,"How many redditers does it take to change a light bulb? 3. One to screw it in, the next to claim credit and the third to be a bot that reposts.
"
56704,"If I had a penny for every time you made me feel worthless; I'd be worth something by now.
"
170600,"If a male asks another male for assistance helping him put on a particular piece of clothing, what is it? A brotie. ......(I know this joke was bad)
"
34237,"Feeling cold? Just stand in the corner of your house, since it's usually 90 degrees
"
175184,"Did you hear the one about the zoo with only one dog? It's a shih-tzu.
"
143451,"What's a redditors favorite Imagine Dragons song GOLD!
"
72724,"I like a good long fiction piece... So I picked up the Bible at my local book store.
"
102853,"If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger's cat.
"
207672,"While shopping, look for this marker on where the gluten free aisle is at. You'll see a man with a gun to his mouth. Because, you know, bullets are gluten free.
"
118629,"Sometimes I wish real world conversation had a 140 character limit.
"
14958,"What did one train track say to the opposite track? Wanna race?
"
161823,"Ghana has eliminated the U.S. from last two World Cups... They're probably Ghana do it again.
"
13476,"My son fed half of the petting zoo. That was the best way to dispose of the body.
"
89144,"Build a fire for a man and he will be warm for a night... Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
"
87317,"Hey girl whats your sine? It must be 90 degrees because you're the 1.
"
125070,"I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
"
64281,"Politicians are like diapers.... They must be changed often and for the same reason.
"
209610,"What kinds of vegetables did Ghandi prefer? Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...
"
25547,"Neighbour: Haven't I seen you on TV?  Actor: Well I do appear on and off you know. How do you like me?  Neighbour: Off.
"
150527,"Why did the guy spend the entire day throwing out his surplus of herbs? He had too much thyme on his hands.
"
97499,"How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just look for fresh prints.
"
73139,"What do you call an evil cat, who only lives to be an ass hole? A cat.
"
205108,"[ignores the worlds evils] Oh wow this is a lot easier
"
203409,"What do you call a hapoy frog? Hoppy
"
99556,"What is more inappropriate than a 7 year old saying """"I drink coffee""""? Her saying """"I drink it black, like my men""""
"
198960,"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory! I only took a day off!
"
178555,"What do you call the largest number of grizzlies you can fit in a car? The bear maximum
"
119755,"I'm so out of it I just asked my dog to hand me something. To be fair, he gave me the same blank stare my kids would have.
"
220738,"Q: What is a crowbar? A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
"
139404,"A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman """"Can I park here?"""" """"No"""" says the cop. """"What about all these other cars?"""" """"They didn't ask!""""
"
207225,"Why did the police chief hate going into the basement? Because it was beneath his station. :P
"
98724,"What Do You Call it When Someone Steals Someone Else's Coffee? A Mugging.
"
4728,"Why the new Apple Pencil isn't included with the new iPad Pro. There is no point.
"
14881,"I'd rather see someone on the street coming towards me with a knife than a clipboard.
"
202013,"A man went to the vet for advice to curb his racist dog that kept barking at his Asian neighbour. """"Muzzle him"""" the vet advised. The man paused, and exclaimed, """"could be, he does have a big beard""""
"
116317,"What's a pirate's favorite letter? Many think it be 'r' but in fact it be the 'c'
"
43079,"I hate being the only drunk person at the party It totally ruined my sons 6th birthday!
"
181400,"Say whatever you want about pedophiles... ..but at least they slow down in school zones...
"
40608,"Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
"
22155,"""""This little computer"""" said the sales clerk """"will do half of your job for you.""""  Studying the machine the senior VP said """"Fine I'll take two.""""
"
166947,"What lives on a farm and says moo? a bilingual chicken
"
70803,"I'm agnostic. What happens to me when I die? Idk. (I decay)
"
122109,"Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
"
218489,"""""Flight 1234 for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."""" """"But Center we are at 35000 feet how much noise can we make up here?"""" """"Sir have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?""""
"
133272,"But man says to the doctor: Wojak I am the pepe
"
193790,"Did you hear about the Texas hipster whose bicycle was broken? He was fixin' to get his fixie fixed.
"
163696,"without nipples....... boobs would be pointless
"
127425,"*Removes smoke detector battery **Cooks in silence
"
51613,"I'm addicted to brake fluid. But I can stop any time.
"
181085,"I like giving names to my furniture Right now i'm chillin' with Oscar the Couch
"
37904,"R Kelly taking the art out of rap artist.
"
66154,"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85 That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship EDIT: Didn't excpect to get this many upvotes. Thanks!
"
141884,"How much do deodorant factory workers get paid? A pittance.
"
116741,"My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I'm going to destroy you but it turns out I've got absolutely nothing.
"
191993,"To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso... oh that was you, nice
"
202963,"I've been sending naked pictures of myself to the TSA. I'm not traveling anywhere, but as an American, I want to be helpful.
"
55427,"How to take selfies: Step 1: Take 40 pictures. Step 2: Post the least bad one.
"
45990,"Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
"
60843,"No one likes a motherfucker *Except for the mother*
"
231326,"Bob told his wife, """"I can't work for him anymore after what he said to me"""". Wife: What did he say? Bob: You're fired
"
8717,"How many out of date redditers does it take to change a light bulb? OVER 9000
"
155518,"What was Michael Jackson's favourite musical key? A Minor
"
13195,"JESUS: heaven... must be missing an angel ME: o gee thamk u jesus ur so sweet JESUS: hehe ME: hehe JESUS: time to send u back ME: wait no what
"
35987,"Terrible advice for a suicide survival hotline: If at first you don't succeed...
"
206722,"How do you confuse a gay person? Seven
"
123399,"Today seems like the perfect day to make important life altering decisions! - Me, when I've gone two days without sleep
"
228076,"[Shopping with teen son] *sees hot girl* *waits until she gets close* *grabs box of adult diapers* """"How are you doing on Depends bud?""""
"
129418,"Young man, you promised you will bring my daughter back by 11 pm. First, it's 3 am and second, this is not my daughter.
"
16211,"Is it me or does it seem like Cinco de Mayo is always on May 5th?
"
27489,"If you like the song """"Red Red Wine"""" then U B 40.
"
179986,"If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their age.
"
49918,"Chicago is the cleanest city in the world right now... BECAUSE IT JUST GOT SWEPT!!!!!!!!
"
37756,"I like my coffee like I like my slaves. Free. You racist!
"
147674,"A new girlfriend asked me """"How did you manage to stay single for so long?"""" Single Handedly
"
192818,"Why is Hitler never invited to the BBQ'S? Because he is always burning the Franks
"
226804,"What's got four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of tree it could kill you? A pool table.
"
169916,"Why are doritos triangular? Because they are illuminachos.
"
144780,"I got a good piece of advice for picking up girls Just keep your back straight and lift with your legs.
"
24231,"I get my best showering ideas when I'm writing jokes.
"
147846,"I lost 140 unwanted, useless, life-sucking pounds - in only 6 weeks! I got a divorce.
"
109205,"What does a black guy get after sex? 20-30 years in prison
"
177593,"What do you call a little polish boat? A Jetski.
"
209830,"Tectonic Plates One tectonic plate said to the other, """"I'm addicted to crack"""". The other said, """"It's your fault""""
"
141279,"What was Thriller really about? A negromancer.
"
26104,"In Chinese culture the great wall represents true longevity. It's the only thing from China that lasts more than a few weeks.
"
150298,"Why were all the oompa loompas black in Willy Wonka &amp; the Chocolate Factory? Because Orange is the New Black.
"
156445,"What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? Church.
"
80522,"I call her Magnet... She's attractive from the back, but repulsive from the front.
"
44106,"Me: Don't be mean to my friend. Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me. Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
"
135182,"What do you call an Italian with two broken hands? Mute
"
185264,"My local newspaper is running an innuendo competition. I might enter my sister.
"
61013,"Amputees can be pretty stubborn. You've really got to hand it to them.
"
83439,"People call me the most disoriented U-boat captain of the 20th century... Oops wrong sub.
"
210316,"What bee is forbidden to the Muslims? Haram-bee
"
201240,"Why didn't Bono sell any wheat bread at his bakery? Cuz it's all rye, it's all rye, it's all rye.
"
121821,"Lesbian joke What do lesbians use for lubricant? Tartar sauce!
"
84560,"dad, we have ants on the counter! Hey, some of them are uncles, moms, and dads. (Thanks dad)
"
19244,"Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.
"
118486,"Latvian Joke Stop. Please.
"
215372,"Justin Bieber on the phone. Says he """"won't be coming back to the UK in a hurry"""". Well played, Great Britain. Job done.
"
122843,"She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
"
110355,"I think Bran might actually know how to walk and is just faking it. He's always lying.
"
86910,"The guy in front of me is buying a pregnancy test....I bet this is the only time he would rather be buying tampons.
"
147958,"I'm gonna covet you. I am gonna covet you so hard. I am gonna covet the holy living shit outta you. C'mere.
"
208792,"Uzbekistan Travel Advice In Samarkand some are kind and some are cunts.
"
145578,"Why did the liberal go to the gynecologist? She was feelin' the Bern!
"
65691,"If Mitt Romney was president, we'd blame everything on him. """"Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn't this cold when Obama was president.""""
"
28522,"*looks up from phone* Great, I'm inside of a coffin again.
"
145848,"Johnny wants to go bathroom Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first!
"
85337,"Why is it ridiculous to believe I communicate to the world in 140 characters but not ridiculous to believe I created the world in six days?
"
130620,"HOROSCOPE: You'll read a horoscope today. ME: Whoa, it's like they know me.
"
28759,"Why did the piglets get in trouble in their biology class? They ate all the specimens.
"
86566,"How many SJW's does it take to change a 90w lightbulb? Did you just assume my wattage??? FLICKERED
"
125019,"My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
"
149112,"Where's the red light district in Toronto? Behind the Maple Leafs' net.
"
227440,"If at first you don't succeed.. Then that's it for skydiving.
"
2001,"Viagra Tea Does nothing for your sexual vigour, but stops your biscuit going soft.
"
55531,"How do you know when your sister is on her period? when your dad's dick tastes like blood
"
167363,"Maybe your d*ck is so small because half of it is in your personality.
"
165121,"What do you do after having licked the world's smoothest vagina? Put it back in the stroller
"
110935,"Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?  It was a tappy one!
"
213581,"What did granny say after leaving her handbag on a bus? """"Allahu Akbar!"""" I'm going to hell for this.
"
155529,"The Hurricane by Rufus Blownoff
"
124173,"I should rename my Reddit account to Digiorno... Because as OP I never deliver
"
224406,"My therapist told me the way to achieve  true inner peace is to finish what I start.  So far today I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.  I feel better already.
"
210771,"What do you call an abortion in Prague? A cancelled Czech.
"
70936,"Why did the funeral director cover his mouth? he kept coffin
"
130176,"The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that's all you really need.
"
89710,"A man lost his arms, legs and torso gambling. Fortunately he quit while he was a head.
"
221877,"How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Lets go ride bikes!
"
103598,"Psychoanalysis is nothing sinister There's really nothing to be afreud of.
"
130446,"I heard about this Mohel who did a circumcision while drunk ... ... he got the sack. He had developed a drinking problem, just couldn't cut it any more.
"
99622,"Whats the difference between Marmalade and Jam? You cant marmalade your cock up a womans arse...
"
183218,"Say no to drugs. Say yes to the dress. Say anything to John Cusack. Say you say me to Lionel Richie. Say say say to Paul McCartney.
"
7357,"Where do you take a sick wasp? To waspital.
"
199391,"Why did Kesha switch """"$"""" back to an """"s""""? Because she no longer has a dollar to her name.
"
162162,"I forgot where I threw my boomerang. Oh wait.. It's coming back to me now.
"
88070,"I'm madly in love with a girl who's a solipsist... ...but she doesn't even know I exist. :(
"
28157,"How do Jews fight? With JewJitsu
"
83407,"Dear fork, I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork. Love always, Spoon PS: he has your hair.
"
203663,"Looking for jokes about Boy Bands!!! Hosting a sing-a-long drink-a-long and need some jokes with boy bands as a theme. Please help!
"
187095,"Q: Why did the comedian do time? A: Is it cause his jokes killed? (Nope, one in ten dead)
"
171104,"MC HAMMER: U can't touch this! ... U can't touch this! MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer! MC HAMMER: U can't tou...
"
88051,"Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there's the possibility of invisible bees.
"
169679,"My new years resolution is 1200x800
"
122541,"Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow...
"
132165,"Supermarket Workers So this woman comes to the meat section of a supermarket and asks the butcher if he has any brain, and he responds with: """"Miss, if I had a brain I wouldn't be working here""""
"
2148,"(NSFW) What did the haddock get covered in at the fish orgy? SALMONal fluid
"
135436,"(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham (1:37pm) Abe: sup (1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son (1:42pm) Abe: k (4:02pm) God: jk lol (4:10pm) God: u there?
"
135224,"I read a Braille spy novel today that made me extremely paranoid... It was like something just didn't feel right.
"
128928,"Yo mama is so easy even a caveman could do her.
"
52959,"I had loads of bird seed as well as loads of parrots with headaches. Trying to hold onto all the bird seed but the parrots ate 'em all
"
108227,"Unfortunate man comes back from a war A man was relieved from service after losing his feet. His wife subsequently left him because she was lactose intolerant.
"
110604,"Can woman make man a millionaire? Yes, if he is a billionaire
"
87169,"Pessimist: This can't get any worse. Optimist: Yes it can!
"
109652,"Dear Math, Grow up and solve your own problems.
"
48028,"I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.
"
174029,"The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they'll erase what they did during the week.
"
45495,"Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
"
147800,"How do you become a hobbit? Eat, shrink and be Merry!
"
132960,"9/11 jokes arent funny and 2/11 are just plane stupid
"
11527,"My wife said she wanted to die naturally. So I shot her and she died, naturally.
"
80918,"I (maybe?) came up with this joke today. What do you call a lost caveman? A meanderthal.
"
159230,"My neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
"
89430,"""""Must you lick the knife?"""" """"Sorry,force of habit"""" I said """"Loads of people do it though, don't they?"""" """"Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor""""
"
43432,"I went to the shop and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, """"Will you be putting that up yourself?"""" I replied, """"No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room.""""
"
134747,"Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
"
88162,"""""This soup was so good I wish I could just...NOMCRNCHNCH"""" *chewing glass* """"There must be a better way!"""" -Inventing the bread bowl
"
60987,"How do I like eggs? Ummm...in a cake!
"
32294,"So this baby seal walks into a club ...
"
134072,"I'm a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog """"The War Atrocity Babe""""
"
24632,"MAN: See my tattoo? It says """"Only God can judge me."""" GOD: That shirt with those pants?
"
16453,"Dont do phone sex Or you'll get hearing aids
"
77278,"I see your limerick... There once was a man from Wheeling Who pounded his pud with great feeling And then like a trout He'd stick his mouth out And wait for the drops from the ceiling
"
216838,"Two nuns sitting in a car at lights... ... when Dracula jumps on the bonnet and roars an evil roar. """"Quick, show him your cross!"""" """"Oi Dracula, get off my damn car!""""
"
76162,"I'm on the toilet, and I'm pretty sure I just reached enlightenment. Holy shit.
"
81172,"What do you call an accountant without a  spreadsheet? Lost
"
213521,"How high can Miss Piggy count? 68, because at 69 she gets a frog in her throat...
"
75354,"My Girlfriend told me that if I bought her any more stupid gifts, she would burn it! So I bought her a candle!
"
111839,"Two mathematicians were chatting online... 1st mathematician: Gimme 5! 2nd mathematician: 120
"
159182,"How do you make an elephant float? Take a cup and add root beer, two scoops of ice cream, and an elephant
"
90123,"Chicken to turkey: """"Only Thanksgiving and  Christmas??? You're lucky with us it's any Sunday.""""
"
76148,"Him: Let's grill this steak Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS Him: that's not- Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
"
53104,"So a guy is eating a steak dinner at a restaurant... ...when the waitress comes over and asked the man """"How did you find the steak, sir?"""" The man looks at her and says """"I just moved the potatoes.""""
"
48103,"So someone decided to offer a million pounds to the first Irishman who could learn to swim... A Scotsman ended up winning.
"
205201,"Someone once asked me if I trust boobs... ...I said """"I put my faith in them""""
"
23237,"A necklace and a little plane on it. The man was staring at the little plane on the woman's necklace The woman: Do you like the plane? The man: No! I like the airport.
"
103340,"What gets louder as its gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.
"
79879,"They say rabbits don't have glasses because they eat carrots. They also don't have thumbs. I like my thumbs so i don't eat carrots.
"
65937,"It all The title says it all
"
111851,"Whats the difference between a performance by a female pornstar and an act by an escape artist? One is a cunning stunt, the other has a stunning cunt.
"
95034,"How will Donald Trump decide which ones to deport from millions illegal immigrants? By conducting a **Juan on Juan** meeting with every Juan of them.
"
165096,"What do you call a spaghetti that went to a pasta party? An Impasta
"
60561,"Why did the guy take his time setting up a premature ejaculation support group? He didn't want to go off half cocked.
"
3263,"I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series. It's called the """"Learning to Count"""" trilogy.
"
140594,"Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...
"
156592,"Feminists are like Mr. Bean They do stupid stuff and everybody laughs at them!
"
89841,"wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news? -the baby walked! wife: OMG where is he? -i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
"
115194,"I work in retail, a married man made me laugh Me: Hi sir, can I help you? Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!
"
228470,"I call my mom santa.... Cause she is always calling me a ho ho ho
"
146922,"Sex is one of the most wholesome, natural things... that money can buy. -Homeless man quoting Steve Martin.
"
199166,"I bet the guy who named it The Big Bang was super horny that day.
"
122883,"I don't know what the big deal is. Putting my toddler to bed is easy... In fact, just tonight, I did it 25 times.
"
60371,"What's the difference between a manly female and a feminine male? A dick, you moron.
"
96308,"What does a vegan zombie eat? GRAAAIIINNNSSS!!!!
"
88302,"99.9999999% of you will laugh after reading this joke. How soon after and whether or not it's in reaction to the joke is irrelevant.
"
11241,"I can't remember whether I threw a boomerang or not... It'll come back to me.
"
167570,"What did the leper say to the prostitute? keep the tip bitch.
"
8,"What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't ask her out again.
"
118581,"At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?'
"
200917,"People who claim to talk to God are so delusional.. I've never talked to any of them.
"
109432,"What's your best Hitler joke?
"
142720,"I hate recursion, irony, and the Oxford Comma.
"
2445,"Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool
"
91439,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered six offender.
"
121234,"Britain left the European Union.... Some think that the country will eurupt
"
34055,"why do i love bananas so much? they have a peel
"
154377,"What do Dallas Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl? They turn off their XBOX and go to bed!
"
153088,"""""What's your favorite kind of music?"""" Asked one windmill to another. The windmill responds, """"I'm a metal fan.""""
"
56025,"I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
"
60806,"""""I love all quilts, regardless of quality."""" - blanket statement
"
56509,"I had my hepatitis test today.... I did pretty well! I had one A, two B's, and a C! Edit: word
"
201079,"[Guy Joke] How is wearing crocs like being blown by a dude? It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.
"
39177,"Anyone else hear the new Whitney Houston song they just released? No? Well it's very underground right now.
"
215535,"My own ass has been talking shit... but it's just a bunch of hot air.
"
72163,"Why isn't China a democracy? Because then they'd have to hold erections.
"
59989,"What do bees who are allergic to honey get? Hives.
"
7796,"What do you say to Floyd Mayweather after his arms have been cut off? Whatever you like.
"
164843,"A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME AGE ADDRESS etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED. ''Yes.''
"
228298,"The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog's poop.
"
64052,"What's the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has dates...
"
36763,"I went to a sperm bank to make a donation. This guy in the lobby came with me.
"
42587,"Why did the dick go to 7-11? Q: Why did the dick go to 7-11? A: To get a Slurpee.
"
67137,"What does a goat have when it gives birth? A kid.
"
27941,"What do you call a trapped fly in a frying pan of stir fry? Your mum
"
132073,"If someone asks if you've been crying just say, """"why... do you want to watch?"""" and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
"
34338,"WebMD's slogan should be """"It could be nothing.. but its probably cancer.""""
"
1131,"Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
"
217105,"Q: What lottery did the broom win? A: The sweepstakes.
"
132878,"Two months ago my teacher asked me the name of the clothes indian women wear. Is it too late now to say """"sari""""?
"
133328,"Does everyone get take 'by mouth' printed on their pills or did the pharmacist look me over and think hmm...this guy might go the other way?
"
78152,"Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love.
"
77023,"Asians are such bad drivers I am beginning to think Pearl Harbor was an accident. Just jacked this from a comment on ask Reddit....thought it should be shared.
"
115347,"So If the Pope shits in a toilet.... Does that make it holy shit? Aaaand thats my shitpost for the day.
"
159061,"What did the chronic masturbator say to his ex-girlfriend? I'm nuttin' without you.
"
218697,"If Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders were stuck on an island, who would survive? America
"
160060,"The problem with some people is that they're alive.
"
99602,"I lost my mood ring.. I'm not sure how i feel about this.
"
67808,"Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
"
205215,"Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are """"too mainstream.""""
"
31379,"I married a chinese millionaire Ka Ching
"
111618,"What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!
"
127466,"Colleges should offer a writing class called """"That Last Line Of An Email"""".
"
72695,"What did the thug say to the mugging victim before he shot him. Worldstar.
"
187640,"Q: What goes click-click-click...""""Did I get it?"""" A: Ray Charles doing Rubik's Cube
"
104894,"What's the stupidest animal you can find in a jungle? A polar bear.
"
95949,"What did the pirate say to the wench before sex? Prepare to be boarded.
"
181230,"Why can't you take a pig out on a date? Because she will squeal on you.
"
87956,"What do you call it when 2 cops let everyone know some dead cow meat is homosexual. Steakout
"
144341,"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I am not sure what they were laced with but I have been tripping all day
"
220926,"There was two people in the bus I wasn't the one who farted
"
26123,"When an American says, """"You do the math,"""" you should also offer to assist him in his grammar.
"
59782,"Shout out to all my people with split personality disorder You know who you are
"
139495,"Where does Dracula buy his pencils? Pennsylvania.
"
228034,"I bet male porn stars don't find themselves in tight spots very often.
"
135002,"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?
"
105783,"God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they're happy.
"
181950,"While in prison, I asked the Calvinist, """"Why did you kill your family?"""" He answered, """"I had to know.""""
"
136623,"No YOU hug her first .... NO YOU hug her first .... F-that ! YOU hug her FIRST ! .... -Lineup congratulating the Next Ebola free nurse
"
82334,"Want to know the worst thing about yourself? Hang out with a kid for an hour, then ask them.
"
1794,"""""If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun"""" ~My son apparently
"
184210,"Why did they stop the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.
"
43830,"Why was Windows afraid of 7? Because 7 8 10.
"
27738,"Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
"
83005,"A truck driver almost crashed into a dam Son that was close!!! Nope? :( ok I'll shut up...
"
40112,"CNN News """"Tree Falls On Bank"""" Does anyone know what branch?
"
54548,"if 9-5 is a full time job, and 11/4 is a part time job, what's 9-11? An inside job.
"
182670,"A Native American man walks into a hotel in Las Vegas The receptionist asks """"Do you have a reservation?""""
"
85905,"coworker: those are some crazy socks me: well I guess th- socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
"
223471,"Why does the Empire use Apple? Because they couldn't find the droid they were looking for
"
82968,"A second Limerick There was a young man from Nantucket, With a dick so long he could suck it, As he wiped of his chin, He said with a grin, If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it
"
111876,"4-year-old: What's """"saying grace?"""" Me: It's when we thank the one who provided our food. 4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
"
108340,"Where did Zooey Deschanel grow up? In Albu-quirky.
"
228779,"i need a reasonably paying job. something like $6,000 an hour, nothing too wild.
"
189192,"I am not a fan of dad jokes. """"Hi, Notafanofdadjokes, I'm Dad.""""
"
122362,"Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn't sell air.
"
66850,"Why do so many Jews enjoy smoking? The ashes reminds them of their parents.
"
127382,"So I just wrote a test on the Periodic table of Elements It went berylliumtly
"
72604,"What did the homeowners of house haunted by windows have? Phantom panes.
"
82897,"Why do men snore when they sleep on their back? Because their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.
"
116395,"Why did the cannibal refuse to eat the police officer? It was a jewish cannibal.
"
208954,"I haven't spoken to my wife in three weeks. She told me not to interrupt her.
"
209162,"When Conor McGregor finishes in 13 seconds, everybody cheers But when I finish in 13 seconds, my girlfriend won't talk to me
"
40557,"Son:Dad's trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet? Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
"
19418,"Yo' Mama Jokes Battle! I'll start! Yo' Mama is so skanky, her dildo came with jumper cables.
"
221277,"What do you call it when an employee poops in the food at a Chinese restaurant? Shitty wok
"
76355,"What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have Bird Flu, you need tweetment. If you have Swine Flu, you need oink-ment.
"
183875,"[restaurant] WAITER: [brings bill] ME: I got this DATE: Thanks ME: [gets out piggy bank] [hits it w/ hammer] [it is filled w/ bees] ME: RUN
"
205455,"Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. """"Is that good?"""" No one will make eye contact with me.
"
146280,"Have you ever smelled Moth Balls? How'd you get your head between it's legs??..
"
117493,"I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
"
72294,"I just read that the average person spends 2 weeks waiting for a traffic light to change. Fuck that. I'd run it after 3 or 4 minutes tops.
"
23142,"What do you call a crocodile who always lies? A croc o' shit.
"
137266,"A Nazi walks into a BAR... Browning automatic rifle
"
223482,"This strange woman won't stop talking to me so I'm going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
"
230811,"""""Wow! Can you believe it's almost June already?!"""" YES DEB, I AM WHOLLY MYSTIFIED BY THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF TIME ON PLANET EARTH
"
159130,"The Hunger Games Don't they play those in Africa?
"
44125,"I'm proud of myself- I just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took me 6 months! The box said 2-4 years!
"
130586,"What's long and hard on a black man? The First grade!
"
172087,"The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
"
154525,"I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta. Now it's a Ford Focus.
"
167155,"So is the 2020 Election Season open yet? Or is the succession now inherited?
"
92220,"Two girls and a cup walk into a bar They get shitfaced
"
148027,"Jesus take the wheel... Carlos, you take the stereo. I'll take look out
"
229901,"The inventor of the Orgy has died today. Everyone is coming together for his funeral.
"
58148,"I always lock my front door before I get in the shower 'cause if a killer broke in & heard me singing I'd be HUMILIATED.
"
9084,"A good way to force people to feel whatever you're feeling is to hum in public
"
223379,"I bet the LAPD gets a lot of calls about """"a lost, lonely-looking little girl"""" that turn out to be David Spade walking home.
"
39655,"Reddit's turning into 1980's America Mass privatization, and everyone is blaming the Chinese.
"
132069,"[first date] """"I learned to crochet in prison... Now you say something.""""
"
169647,"iSpy, with my little """"i"""" a lawsuit from Apple for trademark infringement.
"
23031,"Did you hear about the live performance about the dictionary? I heard it was a play on words.
"
178066,"Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
"
123390,"This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop. I can raise my cat any way I want.
"
121136,"I found a wallet today, and as a practicing Christian, I asked myself """"what would Jesus do?"""" So I turned it into wine.
"
107512,"What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip...
"
124948,"I am """"cool"""" and """"chill"""" and """"stuck inside the walk in freezer.""""
"
190343,"Uh oh, someone is heading this way and it looks like they want to talk to me *flops to the ground like a toy in Toy Story*
"
155937,"I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe. I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe!
"
199952,"What do you call a self help book for a Country Music singer? Drink, Pray, Truck
"
47663,"There's a gang in my area... There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join. But enough about the church...
"
228090,"Dear Abby My name is Gloria Mae and I'm from Tennessee. I'm 14 years old and am still a virgin. Is my brother gay?
"
135448,"What's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a silly monster ? One's a hare-head and the other's an air-head!
"
83131,"Did you know that beer contains female hormones? It's true. You drink too much you get fat, get emotional, talk too much, cry, and you can't drive a car. All apologies to the fairer sex.
"
163861,"My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats' heads to make little wigs.
"
149035,"A man who is infatuated with soil... has a dirty fetish.
"
3732,"Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.
"
187418,"Why parents don't allow their children to listen to M. Jackson songs? because they are very touching
"
162727,"I installed anti-virus on my PC Now the damned thing has autism.
"
173254,"Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a  mosquito Go away sucker!
"
230829,"""""Love me or hate me, both are in my favor...If u love me, I'll always be in your heart...If u hate me, I'll always be in your mind"""" -Shakespeare
"
182062,"A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff BA-DUMM-TSS
"
191817,"Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when it's being shoved into an oven
"
134712,"Have you heard about that new therapy they're using in Japan? Soy lattes up the rectum. It's supposed to have amazing health benefits. Enemame.
"
102615,"Last year I felt depressed and miserable, but this year I've managed to turn it around. Now I feel miserable and depressed.
"
85976,"Why are the top elites around the world scrambling to buy school supplies? Because scissors beats Panama papers .
"
190283,"A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
"
211817,"Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ? A: They never know when to come in.
"
124886,"Happy new year!! Brrrrrr it's cold outside... It has to be the coldest day of the year!!!
"
16427,"How is a good criminal defense lawyer like a dead hooker? I use them both to get off.
"
155477,"My time-travelling uncle died. RIP Robert Mack, 1968-1834
"
132920,"Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like """"nuh uh zombie, we don't want that""""
"
39019,"What does a man with a foot long cock eat for breakfast? Well, this morning I had a hard boiled egg.
"
199896,"I'm Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I'm good at cleaning.
"
138954,"I've read all of Charles Dickens's novels except one. I don't have *Great Expectations*.
"
86358,"""""I'd hit that""""- me, to rock bottom
"
34246,"Why are neutralization reations illegal? They involve assault.
"
170115,"My wife asked me: """"What's the most risky, dangerous food you've ever eaten."""" Me: """"wedding cake"""".
"
132404,"There's a fine line between being a drug addict and a recreational user... ...and I snorted the whole thing.
"
136846,"A really funny joke. http://youtu.be/h8ycKKA7LZI A work-in-progress from my stand-up set. Tell me what you think!
"
108903,"What's black and always in the back of a police car? The seat.
"
183197,"Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. """"So it's like any other day.""""
"
230582,"What is successful but always beat? Rihanna
"
27090,"Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
"
55181,"Rick Astley will let you borrow any pixar movie in his collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
"
28669,"Yo Mama So Fat... ...it took the Large Hadron Collider to weigh her atoms.
"
34320,"There was an old woman walking her dog A man came up to her and said that's an ugly pig. The woman replied """"Sir, that's not a pig."""" The man said """"I was talking to the dog!""""
"
210475,"I like my women like I like my coffee... Lukewarm and bitter.
"
220657,"you're all like """"haha interpretive dance what a humorous concept"""" until you see a professional do it then you shit yourself with wonder
"
120301,"Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.
"
200476,"What is a pirate's favorite drink? The HI-C! (punchline must be said in proper pirate voice) (this is what I do when bored at work not even ashamed)
"
201203,"Did you guys see the goal from half field today in the World Cup? It was a great U.S. attack from Midway
"
135243,"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Its a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
"
178535,"What's the thin line between love and hate? A condom.
"
92515,"Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? Because he needed his space.
"
118805,"What medical condition are Clinton supporters currently experiencing? Tendienitis
"
13522,"When I'm out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying """"Don't make eye contact with daddy.""""
"
53106,"What do you call 500 dead lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean? A good start
"
166201,"My favorite position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
"
183434,"""""A man in a wheelchair walks into the room..."""" Um, teacher? (*true story, just happened!*)
"
204907,"Some lemons just handed me a life.
"
72686,"TIFU by forgetting what current MMO my friend played and wasting my money to buy WoW gametime Wrong sub.
"
76750,"Bilbo Baggins walks into a strip club and sees his cousin making it rain on a stripper. Unimpressed by this, he proceeds to shout... ...""""Don't Fro Doh"""".
"
88353,"World: Hey check out this sport we made called football. America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
"
205439,"Jack is a big part of all of us. He's the best friend we've never had. We spend most of our time doing Jack shit, drinking Jack and Jacking off. Thanks for the memories.
"
142905,"How much does it cost to kill a Jew? It holocausts one.
"
111754,"Who is Hitlers least favourate character in star wars? Jewbacca
"
38518,"What did the Hawaiian terrorists say when they blew up a restaurant? ALOHA SNACKBAR
"
144876,"What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner
"
73315,"I know we're smarter than dogs, but whenever I hear them bark for no reason I'm positive they know more than I do.
"
7720,"[at Waldo's trial] Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant? Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
"
80630,"""""I shaved for this shit?"""" - All of us at one point in our lives.
"
208723,"What is Santa's favorite band? Slayer.
"
200717,"I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
"
10195,"What comes after Q Jokes? /r/Jokes
"
147422,"Official Bin Laden Joke thread! """"Osama's funeral is gonna' be the bomb!""""
"
76990,"Why wouldn't the mouse tell the police where he hid the cheese? Because he's not a rat.
"
197322,"If you're ever cold, just stand in a corner. They're usually 90 degrees.
"
161490,"Why are giraffe's heads so far away from their bodies? Long necks.
"
40590,"What's the Difference between 3 dicks and a Joke? Your mom can't take a joke
"
226080,"Isis has hidden bombs inside alphabet spaghettios. If they go off they could spell disaster.
"
133727,"9/10 dentists recommend good dental hygiene... The other dentist is from England.
"
83012,"What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture. -.-
"
137263,"What's the last thing a drummer says in a band? """"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?""""
"
153719,"What was the vacant lot's favorite Spoon song? Don't Make Me A Target
"
42717,"It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television.
"
23439,"There are 10 types of people... (with a twist) There are 10 types of people, those who know binary and those who don't and those who understand the off-by-one error.
"
74209,"My wife has been missing for two days now. Police have told me to expect the worst. So I went to the charity shop to buy her clothes back.
"
220240,"How do you make a song better using cement? By remixing it.
"
101426,"If I had a dollar for every gender I would have 2 dollars
"
204005,"Milkman Today my girlfriend was sexually harassed by a milkman. This really happened
"
97143,"I once had a voice like Justin Bieber. Then I turned 4.
"
13551,"Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then? Well I saw this light at the window...!
"
218504,"Here's your social security card. It's paper & has to last you forever. Don't laminate it. Good luck asshole.
"
189461,"Yo mama's so stupid... Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to use the Pythagorean theorem on an isosceles triangle.
"
220592,"A falling battery killed a man today. It was charged with murder.
"
190026,"If you don't eat your candy corn in three separate bites starting from the big yellow end to the small white end, you're a communist.
"
116636,"How do you tell the difference between a factory worker, and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'
"
134523,"The N word. What do you call a bus full of niggers under the ocean with 1 empty seat ? A crying shame
"
181987,"What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
"
225505,"How do you know that a dog is a man's best friend? Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?
"
73668,"iPhone 8 should have no charging port. So you can use it only once.
"
166396,"In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
"
221984,"What's the difference between an Atheist and a black guy? Atheists are stereotyped as being giant dicks. Black guys are stereotyped as having giant dicks.
"
144283,"Why do bald guys cut holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.
"
51194,"Before you act, listen. Before you react, think. Before you spend, earn, Before you pray, forgive. Before you post, check  for typos.
"
109754,"Checked into a hotel expecting one night stand but there were 2! Mighty pleased.
"
124792,"Did you here about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? They performed unspeakable acts on her.
"
202287,"""""I won't vaccinate my kids! It's not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!"""" *gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*
"
55522,"Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms--I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
"
139300,"Dear Santa -- For 2017, all I want is a SLIM body and a BIG FAT bank account. Please don't mix it up like last year.
"
225034,"Despite the cost of living... It still remains so popular.
"
61755,"Why did the man cry when he was cutting up onions? """"Onions"""" was his dog... D:
"
127164,"Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular. Wondering if """"inbred whackadoodle"""" paints a full picture.
"
126045,"What do you call a pile of dogs? A ruff terrain.
"
188029,"What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post!
"
217316,"Why do women have trouble parking? Because men tell them that 6"""" is more than it actually is.
"
36966,"Why did the pervert cough when he was caught molesting a pony? He was feeling a little horse.
"
33609,"What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked. Edit: Think LONG and HARD about it.
"
29058,"What do you call the German word for Vaseline? Derweinerslider
"
224449,"I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick... She's still not talking to me :(
"
225959,"What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade!
"
120976,"I heard that Al Qaeda recently received substantial financial aid from an unknown person in South Korea. It seems the terrorists have Won.
"
19740,"My Friendster account was hacked. Now I'm being extorted for all those testimonials I wrote. Said no one ever.
"
95496,"Whats the Difference Between Hitler and Stalin? Hitler Hit. Stalin Stalled.
"
61458,"Atoms are what make us all Matter:)
"
71656,"How does a bassist's brain cell die? Alone.
"
27728,"My sex party was a big disappointment... Nobody came.
"
13121,"Why did the Jedi kill his master? To get to the other side.
"
160757,"What do you call Italian marijuana? A pizza joint
"
211781,"What do you tell a man with two black eyes? Nothing, he's been told twice already. (And be cool, if you get the reference keep quiet and let em wonder.)
"
24982,"Just be yourself. All the good personalities are taken.
"
47876,"Why aren't jokes in base 8 funny? Because 7, 10, 11.
"
50814,"Did you hear the one about the sprinkler that tried to spray a man in the eye? It completely mist!
"
122218,"1)sit in toddler seat of a shopping cart. 2)tip over til feet touch the ground. 3)stand up. you're now a grocery turtle. no one can stop you
"
89533,"wife [text] I'm so proud of you for sticking to your diet me [can't respond because there's powdered donut on my fingers]
"
154770,"I was speaking to my friend He was telling me about a plan he had to change all the numbers in the world into roman numerals. I said """"Not on my watch""""
"
85818,"""""I don't have time for this shit!"""" I thought, as I sat on the toilet, angry, and late for work.
"
53491,"who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you're asleep? I'm worried about how many are getting into the other holes
"
218767,"What's the opposite of progress? The president.
"
19493,"No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
"
96516,"Why is Harry Potter better than Jews? He made it out of the chamber.
"
229647,"What ethnicity is Santa? North Poleish
"
147997,"Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
"
5090,"Why is it a bad idea to give Elsa a balloon? Because she'll """"Let it go! Let it go!"""" This joke was made up by my 5 year old nephew.
"
196731,"This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one's ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.
"
99436,"I was going to write a joke about the pentagon... But I gave up when I couldn't find the right angle.
"
42236,"Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out?
"
129044,"What did the French stoner say? 80 blaze it
"
186773,"Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse: If you're hot, she's cold If you're comfortable, she's cold If you're cold, she's not in the car
"
122594,"A horse walks into a bar... ...the bartender asks, """"Why the long face?"""" The horse replies, """"I have AIDS.""""
"
170527,"""""Why are you glowing?"""" """"I've been eating light.""""
"
73289,"Why did the black guy loose all his money? Because a cop robbed him.
"
214213,"You don't hear about Rowan Atkinson much these days. It's probably because he's a has-*bean*.
"
92122,"Where do you put a black jew? the back of the oven!!!!
"
223575,"I broke my finger today But on the other hand im fine
"
155620,"Why was Miss Piggy sick for her show? There was a frog in her throat.
"
31918,"Mickey Mouse hangs himself... He doesn't die though, it's just a case of suspended animation.
"
204265,"I don't drink about you anymore.
"
87810,"""""Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, I know you're asleep but I just wanted to let you know that I'm like 14 miles away from your house right now!"""" -Trains
"
147405,"What do people mean when they say kids are 'experimenting' with sex? Getting it on in a lab coat? Is that how you get a test tube baby?
"
66132,"If I give you breakfast in bed just say """"thanks"""" Not """"who are you"""" and """"how did you get in here""""
"
182475,"When is a single gay man's favorite time of the day? When he takes a shit.
"
196048,"Be nice to people because you never know when you'll a need character witness.
"
208043,"[lunch break] Gf: I have 30min Me: you thinking what im thinking? Gf: oh yea *starts undressing Me: *googles closest laser tag location
"
165108,"""""The Emperor is naked!"""" cried a child Silence was the answer. There were only him and Emperor in the bedroom.
"
226385,"I know I'll be a good father. I've had my iPhone for over 6 months now and I've only dropped it 182 times so far.
"
9907,"My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food
"
98651,"What does Darth Vader identify as on Tumblr? Ana-kin
"
97904,"How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to hold the penis. I mean, ladder.
"
62414,"I'll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
"
27752,"I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during """"Ellen"""" and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
"
45946,"When cute black and white bears start communing with spirits, it's pandanormal.
"
141230,"Why must you be religious to join the Navy? Because it's a place of war ship.
"
11017,"Every now and then, getting lost means finding your way.
"
22329,"People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply......Chuck Norris
"
123006,"Kiss her in the middle of her sentence chicks dig when you visit them in jail
"
191491,"""""UK Students Die In Safari Crash"""" I bet they wished they'd just stuck with Internet Explorer now.
"
154074,"Did you hear about the new John Wayne toilet paper? It's ruff tuff, and takes shit from no one.
"
8783,"50 years from now...""""Remember that time we were fighting the riot police and the National Guard ..."""" """"...and your mommy shows up and kicks your ASS?""""
"
229719,"""""What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?"""" """"An octopus?"""" """"No Jeff, the answer is my wife's 4 divorce attorneys""""
"
12020,"What's sexist and not a concern for feminist? Misandry
"
194247,"Two men walk into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it...
"
32441,"Why does a montonegran man keep a chair next to his bed? So he can have a rest after he gets tired from waking up.
"
47248,"Mitt Romney is walking through heaven when he runs into Barrack Obama
"
66823,"I'm really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
"
109398,"Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas Boss: it's May Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
"
179898,"Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but I think they forgot to mention the Morons.
"
22209,"CarefulWhere's your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
"
203727,"Doctor Doctor I feel like an apple. We must get to the core of this!
"
138247,"Why do frogs have webbed feet ? To stamp out forest fires !
"
99003,"I tried to catch fog yesterday Mist.
"
89085,"Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ? A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
"
112161,"Why did the 2 contractors hire a pilot to help survey their land? Because they really wanted a third's eye view!
"
95294,"Why was Karl Marx against Chinese mutes? Because he hated the Bu shuo!
"
136285,"Why did the computer science student drop out? He just couldn't hack it.
"
151701,"If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
"
53769,"Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don't spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
"
74470,"What is Britain's most popular newspaper amongst breastfeeding mothers? The Daily Express.
"
191803,"Yoda: *dies and fades away* Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking. Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
"
95130,"I don't want your candy, what I really want is your number.
"
46021,"[texting] you mean the wolf to me -wolf? ha! autocorrect fail! -lol what i meant to say was...you're a mean wolf to me
"
226268,"A Buddhist goes to the hot dog vendor... And says, """"Make me one with everything."""" Giving him a fifty, the Buddhist asks for the change and the vendor replies, """"Change comes from within.""""
"
191242,"Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
"
32481,"[jail] INMATE: so what are ya in for? BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession INMATE: goddam pigs
"
9020,"How do you make a hippopotamus float? 2 hippos and a LOT of root beer.
"
206090,"The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
"
130751,"Which fly captured the ladybird? The dragon-fly.
"
28312,"""""Dad, what do you think about abortion?"""" --Ask your sister --But I don't have a sis...
"
181306,"A Billionaire, a Misogynist, and a Racist walks into a bar The bartender asks how he is doing in the election. Edit: shitty spelling and punchline
"
4052,"The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...
"
125240,"I think you are amayonazing! I'd take it as a condiment.
"
223037,"I spent over an hour at my wife's grave yesterday... whew, that was the longest I've ever lasted
"
114628,"The creator of the 'knock knock' joke was awarded a prize today Unfortunately he wasn't in to receive it
"
17046,"Why was Jimmy so excited to go to Clown College? He got a fool scholarship.
"
42988,"I know Muslims can't eat pork. Islam ok though?
"
167461,"What has a hazelnut in every bite? SQUIRREL SHIT!
"
126691,"Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit ? So he could tell the time at night !
"
5321,"I like my women like I like my Little Caesar's pizza- Hot &amp; Ready.
"
55862,"Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an  Uzi submachine gun? A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
"
38023,"Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic  waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.
"
192665,"A black guy applied for a job at the LAPD He got shot down
"
64049,"Do you know why I hate drinking with blind people? They can't handle their booze and always black-out.
"
211024,"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
"
191439,"I think it's fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him. He's awfully thin...
"
153802,"[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] """"do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.""""
"
172124,"What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife? An erection and a place to put it.
"
214789,"Damn girl, can you guys stop with these retarded jokes? The first 2 were funny...the last 10,000 have been dumb as shit.
"
111582,"Have you heard about the two gay ghosts? They gave each other the willies.
"
8992,"What's it called when a planet orbits its sun 8 times? An orbyte
"
93221,"Which religion breeds terrorism the most? Not Islam
"
76309,"There is nothing worse that realizing the vacation you planned is going to be the same week as her period.
"
114434,"What do you call a camera that shoots out true facts about an ancient Phoenician city? A Canon, Canaan-canon cannon... (I'm not sorry...)
"
193,"Gentlemen test At least most tests have the decency to ask me my name, before they fuck me.
"
208489,"Ever hear about that guy who sued the door factory? It was an open and shut case.
"
102624,"I just wish God hadn't hidden all of my talents so well.
"
123898,"so two elderly grapes are talking then one of the grapes says, is it just me or are you looking a bit prune?
"
28677,"Do you know why there's no Apple wireless charger? Because they can't decide what exactly should break there.
"
218131,"What do you call it when the only cow on your dairy farm won't produce milk? Utter despair.
"
191935,"Feminists are basically Lesbians who don't want to admit it.
"
182791,"I've fallen in love' My husband yelled to me as his arse cheeks splashed against the toilet water.
"
3116,"A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
"
206499,"What do you say to the Montana barista when they overfill your chamomile? Beautiful
"
231209,"How do you make a space party? You planet.
"
115356,"So a radio talks to another radio Over.
"
112071,"Which hotel does Link use when he goes on vacation? The HYAT
"
195164,"If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam I'd have $ 6.30 now
"
198165,"Proof that Donald Trump is a racist Tomorrow he is going to throw a black family out of their house.
"
81116,"why did the chicken cross the road 69 ahhahaaha
"
39432,"Who represents a Ghost in court? A Paralegal.
"
165147,"How can you tell if someone is an entrepreneur? Don't worry, they'll tell you
"
125261,"Why was the lesbian mad when she got her report card? Cause she got a D
"
199833,"One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
"
89163,"Why did the oven go back to University? To get another degree. - My sister thought it up and found it so funny she called to tell me.
"
98286,"Why do Australians always win 4D chess? Double check, mate
"
188428,"English Teacher: So class we're going to be talking about Biased today """"So Fox News?""""
"
180222,"The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
"
198392,"Cam Newton Just signed a contract with McDonalds. He will be promoting turnovers.
"
204025,"Amish Hooker What's an Amish Hooker do? Ten Mennonite! (Mennonite link on the front page made me think of this one.) edit: I accidentally a """")"""", but I'm getting a kick out of the weird comments. :-)
"
85073,"[on the phone with wife] Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin? """"Tell me why."""" [winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
"
29073,"What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaay
"
35940,"What's the difference between a fan and a prostitute One Blows air off you and the other blows air into you.
"
220892,"*pets a skeleton* u used to b a baby
"
210695,"TRUMP: I'm building a wall to keep Mexicans out. AMERICANS: I'm going to Canada if Trump is elected. CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.
"
9530,"October 10th was such a great day 10/10
"
219669,"""""Hi, My name is John Foreman and I run a cabinet making business."""" John said counter-productively.
"
153808,"The Mexican word of the day is """"Wheelchair"""" For example, """"Hey mang, I see you don't have a lunch today so wheelchair mine.""""
"
185728,"Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!!! Britain: """"What happened to the T?"""" America: """"We threw it in the Harbor!""""
"
203973,"Who's your friend who likes to play? **JOHN CENA** *DUn DUnDUnDUn DUn DUnDUnDUn.*
"
181370,"How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin? When around both, one eventually stops moving. Forgive me.
"
56773,"Why did the """"upright man"""", a humanoid species, went extinct 70.000 years ago? Because they got homo e-rekt-us.
"
161184,"Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn't have a job.
"
92969,"Intellectual Jokes as in: Yo mama so wide she didn't fit through the Thermopylae Pass or she so fat she didn't fit through the last circle in Dante's Inferno. Let's get this thread ballin'.
"
47571,"QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder? ANSWER: Milk and honey.
"
117488,"Why doesn't Fleetwood Mac shave? Because Stevie Nicks.
"
150890,"Michelin, Triangle Shirtwaist, and Brian Williams. """"Name a tire, a fire, and a liar.""""
"
173046,"What do you call an emo on a hiking trip? Cliffhanger.
"
16779,"I have a huge fear of elevators... I've started taking steps to avoid it.
"
196958,"If I was a waiter & asked if the customer was done eating & they said no, I would say 'fat fuck'. Then draw a hippopotamus on their check.
"
211526,"Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven? because it really looks like it did.
"
145541,"I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I'd never be caught dead at a Walmart.
"
80149,"My wife screams like crazy during sex... ...especially when I walk in on her!!!
"
65064,"Dear women, 3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature. No 1. We know what upsets you. No 2. Hahahahahaha... I said """"number 2""""
"
99097,"What do you call an Egyptian surprise attack? A Tut offensive.
"
107162,"A man was meeting a girlfriend somewhere... And she said: """"is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"""" He replied: """"Either way, we're having sex tonight""""
"
179103,"So two peanuts crossed the road.. ...and one of them got assaulted.
"
139977,"If a vampire bites his tongue, does his tongue become a vampire? Tongpire?
"
7271,"Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.
"
4953,"What did the pirate tell his littler sister when she asked if she could hold his parrot? ISIS
"
219032,"M$ forever! [oneliner] The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck, is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
"
53821,"Why did the sperm cross the road?... Because I put on the wrong pair of socks today.
"
192743,"This creepy guy at work calls me """"hun"""" despite knowing my real name so I've started calling him Mulan.
"
194760,"Where's Waldo wears stripes... because he doesn't want to be spotted
"
175785,"Ellen Pao's front teeth
"
37641,"My friend tried to sell me a triangular monitor but I knew it was just a pyramid screen.
"
216093,"What does a taxidermist do for a living? Oh you know... stuff...
"
27571,"Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was far out dude
"
159161,"Teacher: Frd give me a sentence starting with  """"I."""" Fred: I is . . . Teacher: No Fred. You must always say """"I am."""" Fred: Oh right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
"
203468,"What do you call a frog in the no parking zone? Toad
"
6909,"What was Hitler's least favourite month? Jew-ne
"
190326,"If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to shit yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.
"
133913,"A poor virgin had a big black guy as a landlord Now he's just poor.
"
217848,"I had diarrhea till 5am It was shitty
"
78242,"Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!
"
22526,"You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take -Jenny Mccarthy
"
81132,"The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That's my dog. My dog does that.
"
88297,"What's a homophobic congressman's favorite place to swim? In da Nile
"
191401,"Why are colds such bad robbers? Because they're so easy to catch!
"
130170,"The past, the present, and the future all walked into one bar. It was quite tense.
"
196689,"What do you call it when a Spanish man goes to court for custody of his children? Fight for your right to padre
"
84080,"Wanna hear a joke? women's rights
"
166,"Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.
"
170835,"Germans - they're great people, if you give them their dues. (Hint: say it out loud.)
"
195941,"College can be a lot like prison sometimes It's easier to get into if you're black.
"
81585,"A young couple are in the middle of an argument... Man: """"Yeah well, your hemorrhoids are disgusting!"""" Woman: """"At least they stay out of my asshole!""""
"
85349,"How do you walk a chicken on a leash? You pullet.
"
167522,"High schools shouldn't have school zones. If you can't cross the street by the time you're in HS you deserve to get hit.
"
71196,"I got my drug dealer arrested the other day Maybe next time you'll wish me happy birthday, mom
"
215206,"If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog shit in my yard.
"
189434,"[job interview for garbageman] interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you're hired Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
"
147595,"What's the difference between an arts student and a table? A table can support itself
"
18026,"""""The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?""""
"
129920,"An engineer gets banned from r/fitness He was trying to sell SCRs to their NOx users...
"
99335,"Without that little voice in your head you wouldn't be able to read this.
"
33608,"What's the difference between a slut and a bowling ball? Nothing....you find them both in an alley, finger the holes, throw them in the gutter, and they keep coming back.
"
141997,"Wife ran into my ex girlfriend today. I asked if she still looked good? Always wondered what the worst thing I could say was. That was it.
"
72465,"Friday night is Fred Flintstone sliding down the dinosaur's back.
"
55532,"The patriots must be feeling pretty deflated right about now.
"
125644,"What type of plant can you use to make phone calls? A telefern
"
2400,"When one door closes... An incognito window opens.
"
181834,"Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.
"
166236,"What's a ninja's favourite drink? Waaaaa-taaah!!!
"
112958,"Your momma's so fat... Her picture fell off the wall She wears a 3 piece bikini There are smaller fat women orbiting her Her tampons come equipped with On Star
"
52711,"I hate it when I go to the supermarket and the employees there comment on my groceries. Always with the """"Hey, sir, you have to pay for those!"""" Every damn time.
"
165303,"A man told me that he wasn't constipated I think he's full of shit.
"
72333,"I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a  mirror.
"
124581,"The price of balloons is said to rise. It's only logical with all the inflation.
"
71697,"A black man and a mexican are in a car, who's driving? The police . . . . . . . They're the police you racist cunt.
"
109947,"[OC] I invented a word: plagiarism.
"
179059,"I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can't help eating it.
"
69569,"Inception *A van falls into a river* (Duration: 148 minutes)
"
94789,"A termite walks into a bar and asks: """"Is the bar tender here?""""
"
73386,"A joke from the oldest written collection of jokes begins """"A coward is asked which are safer, warships or merchant-ships"""" Dry-Docked ships he answers
"
129282,"Breaking: Man takes longer to find emoji than it would have taken him to find words that convey what he wanted.
"
171036,"If there isn't an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I'm not going!
"
107117,"I made up a joke about the 4th dimension It's about time.
"
130187,"What did the nosey pepper do? It got jalepeno business!
"
91715,"my fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that i lied about on my drivers license
"
143486,"What do you call butt sex in public? PDAnal
"
84854,"What did the prostitute bring to the can drive? Her peas
"
121345,"I'm sick of all this sex on TV. I keep falling off.
"
163783,"What did the pirate say to the prostitute? Thar she blows!
"
141101,"On a hot day, what did the pig say to the other pig after he came back from the car? """"It's bacon in there!""""
"
19721,"[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey W: but- PLS JUST DO IT *ends phonecall* BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
"
124594,"How can you spot the prostitute at the Miss America pageant? She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.
"
42422,"Why doesn't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he's dead.
"
63457,"What did cinderella do when she got to the ball? choked
"
81005,"FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
"
194061,"My ex owned a parakeet. The thing would never shut up. The bird was cool though.
"
133932,"What's your favorite pickup line? Mine is the Ford F Series.
"
105507,"Why did the banker leave his job? he lost interest
"
106596,"Maybe it's just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
"
180657,"What don't elephants forget when they go swimming? Their trunks.
"
88845,"If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
"
111497,"Don't die a virgin. Well it's not like you get to choose.
"
214555,"A woman with a lazy eye was having an affair.. They said she was seeing someone on the side.
"
150101,"Bob drowned... , so at his funeral we put a life jacket over his grave. It is what he would have wanted.
"
202486,"On cold mornings, it'd be helpful if a menacing man screamed obscenities at me in German so I'd get out of the shower.
"
92751,"Did you hear Gotye converted from Judaism to Catholicism? After realizing he didn't need to follow Jewish customs, he exclaimed to the rabbi, """"you didn't have to cut me off!""""
"
204366,"Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America?? Because Freedom rings! Happy Birthday U.S!
"
221845,"Buying my parents' house. Soon, like so many of the 'ladies' here... I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom's basement.
"
130839,"Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country? 2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?
"
152577,"Reading a book about anti-gravity... and its impossible to put down
"
68365,"She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
"
132475,"The son to his dad * Son - Dad at last i lost my virginity- * Dad -OH! so good son, i am proud of you, come on, sit here and tell me- * Son -I don't think i could sit for a while
"
129536,"I met my grandmother in Mexico She looked familia.
"
123127,"My LASIK doctor said that if I get 2000 upvotes on this post I'll get free treatment. Upvote for visibility.
"
182286,"Why is a lobster similar to a Asian under a steamroller? They are both crushed-asians
"
108639,"How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.
"
191469,"You treat your body like a temple? That's nice. I treat mine like a whorehouse above a liquor store next to a motherfucking Taco Bell.
"
190887,"Animal sounds Cats go meow Rats go squeak Dogs go woof Pigs go """"Put your hands on your fucking head unless you wanna be shot in your fucking skull!""""
"
26594,"Life stops when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, love ends when you stop caring, friendship ends when you stop sharing.
"
18944,"I think I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start eating.
"
189946,"What's the best month for dating? Sep-tinder!
"
9862,"Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket? Because he was in de-nile
"
2790,"I've decided to give karate a break for a little while... I guess you could say I am going on a HI-YA-tus.
"
37371,"How was the roman empire cut in half? With a pair of caesars Edit: fixed
"
2267,"When someone says """"I need this done yesterday"""" it's like I'm not going to be bossed around by someone who doesn't understand how time works
"
152081,"I was at Redbox, but I didn't know what to watch. I consulted my groceries, and my pizza said, """"Keep Frozen.""""
"
151861,"*makes typo* *deletes tweet* *deletes twitter* *deletes life*
"
138482,"There's something missing... Girl : Can you listen to me ? Boy : what ? Girl : I like you okay , And I feel there's something missing in my hart . Boy : I think it's an E
"
47587,"Poop When you say the word """"poop"""" you mouth makes the same motion as your butt hole when you poop. Sam with diarrhea.
"
127312,"What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing, because he ain't coming over to you.
"
230052,"What is Imperator Furiosa's least favorite type of ice cream? Rocky Road.
"
151146,"Irish chili How many beans do you put in Irish chili? Two hundred and thirty-nine. Why? Because one more would be two-farty.
"
3140,"What do you call it when a person falls ill from watching too many BBC period dramas? Downton Syndrome
"
145000,"I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through. One formal complaint from her, and I'm now banned from the gym
"
21133,"How can a person travel from the north pole to the south pole without passing the equator? By becoming a stripper.
"
1775,"Why don't little girls fart? Because they don't get an asshole until they get married.
"
209667,"Lucky that guy in Good Will Hunting liked apples.
"
121162,"Whats the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job does not give you a raise.
"
34343,"Dogs can't operate MRI scanners. But catscan.
"
5968,"How many Redditors does it take to tell a joke? Two. One to think of it, and another to repost it a day later.
"
42139,"What's the difference? What's the difference between a colorful explosion in the sky and a black person? Fire works.
"
66452,"Pimples on teenagers are asterisks on things they say* *Listener discretion is advised
"
71180,"I needed a password eight characters long... ... so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
"
231219,"If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say """"you're okay, you're okay,"""" they are definitely NOT okay.
"
171699,"My naked wife fell on the floor as she was climbing into bed. 5 second rule?
"
102494,"What's the smartest piece of lab equipment? A graduated cylinder.
"
191364,"My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn't flat. I don't care if it's wrong - that's still some great logic.
"
177232,"I was raised by my father. He was a competitive poker player.
"
152703,"12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it's bad *throws in trash* HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what's this
"
141029,"At least Stevie wonder was faithful, he never saw any other women during his marriage.
"
167447,"SKRILLEX must be really clumsy... ...he just keeps dropping his bass
"
102334,"[watching TV] GF: Tickle my back please ME: Is that nice? GF: Little bit higher ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
"
57573,"A big upside to marriage is never having to take time to google shit, your spouse already knows everything.
"
93932,"What do fish smoke? Seewead
"
170706,"Germany Q1: What would Germany be called had they not surrendered at the end of WW2 ? A1: Gerfew Q2: What would Germany be called if the issue in Q1 happened before the holocaust? A2: Jewmany
"
154087,"What Do You Call Fake Spaghetti? An impasta!
"
225577,"Where do the stankass penguins live? Antfartica
"
170860,"Why is fishing called fishing and hunting is not called deering or birding?
"
42894,"You never hear about a new ghost. """"Oh yeah, this place is haunted since Jeff died last Tuesday.""""
"
10212,"What is Hitler's least favorite drink? Orange Jews
"
92181,"What did the swollen prostate say during the prostatectomy? I'm out, urine.
"
173693,"I just heard my friend suffocated working at a nescafe factory. I was worried he suffered but luckily, it was instant.
"
94886,"I won the prize for laziest person a live... I got a-trophy
"
175181,"I got a new book and I can't seem to put it down. That's the problem with slathering one's hands with rubber cement before touching things.
"
83712,"What's a rapper's favorite candy? Eminems.
"
124619,"After his final sex-change operation, what kind of wood won't Bruce have any more? Sbruce
"
211197,"How did hitler tie his shoes? In little nazis
"
207280,"At the Apple store waiting for a snotty Genius Bar guy. Thinking about how a """"crowbar"""" has nothing to do with crows either.
"
173808,"Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
"
168417,"""""Your resume lists the skills 'poor timing' & 'awkward'?"""" Can I have a raise? """"We haven't hired you."""" Oh. You're very handsome. """"I see.""""
"
219636,"My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber
"
87492,"Bollywood What's the reason Bollywood Cast parties are awkward? They think Cast is spelled with an e.
"
193382,"I'm really good at fighting.... I won my last fight by 100 metres
"
178491,"You're an asshole Superman.
"
198190,"Can I call you? Crush: Yes Errm, I called but you didn't pick Crush: I said you could call, I never said I'd pick up
"
68026,"What does a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
"
127061,"Steve Irwin should have wore sunblock... ... to prevent against harmful rays.
"
3366,"Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included.
"
64655,"[In a seahorse home] Son: Dad? Dad: Yes? Son: Happy M- Dad: DON'T Son: Moth- Dad: STOP Son: HAPPY MOTHERS DAY *Dad bangs head on desk*
"
143307,"Why did the flight from Warsaw to Moscow crash? There were Poles on the right half of the plane.
"
9521,"FREEBIRD! (When you purchase a bird of equal or lesser value.)
"
25308,"Does your wife know you're single?
"
111524,"I would watch a reality show that's nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
"
172396,"Why was the doctor forced to leave work early? The hospital ran all out of patience
"
193993,"The animosity between Republicans & Democrats is NOTHING compared to the hatred between Jeffs & Geoffs.
"
165254,"Got banned from bookstore AGAIN this weekend for moving """"CAUTION: WET FLOOR"""" sign to the erotic aisle.
"
4492,"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I don't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face (There's a slight pause between garbanzo and bean when speaking the joke)
"
132955,"Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home Having a kid really mellowed God out.
"
1494,"[NSFW] Why did the priest cum on the little boy's face twice? Because Jesus said to turn the other cheek
"
35512,"What's the only thing worse than asbestos? Asworstos.
"
143310,"What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear?
"
147328,"A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And then a staircase. I don't think hes alright, can someone get a doctor?
"
157874,"Where do all the normies play? In the areeeeeiiiiiiiiina
"
215984,"Why did the feminist burn down the field of canola? She said she was defending herself against rape.
"
207512,"Interviewer: I heard you were extremly quick at Math... Me: """"yes, as a matter of fact I am"""" Interviewer: """"Whats 14x27"""" Me: """"49"""" Interviewer: """"that's not even close"""" me: """"yeah, but it was fast""""
"
172192,"Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was """"bumpy."""" Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
"
198428,"""""I don't know what else to say..."""" Me, giving my husband false hope
"
214381,"What did MC Hammer say to his wife when she caught him cheating? Can't trust this
"
109484,"I gave up my seat for a blind man on the bus today That's how I lost my job as a bus driver
"
125951,"Ok Reddit, I'll be signing off to take my girlfriend home... ...and I'm back, didn't take long to put my hand in my pocket.
"
78511,"What's a pirates favorite letter? Them: R You: No, its the C!!!!
"
31255,"What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn't a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I'd be
"
130169,"What did a piece of tofu say when it got dirty? Misoyaki!
"
38271,"How many light bulbs did it take to screw a human? None, there not too bright with doing anything except showing us where to go when were lost in the dark
"
78848,"Auto correct tries to change the word """"pussies"""" to """"Aussies"""".... Just saying.
"
158175,"Ever wondered why written jokes about mailmen are generally unfunny? They are all about delivery.
"
51675,"Permanently blinded people of Reddit, what is your favourite movie?
"
224572,"I tried to make this post all about why Finland DOES actually exist... ...but I couldn't Finnish.
"
197460,"How many feminists does it take screw in a lightbulb? One she holds it in the socket and waited for the world to revolve around her.
"
225864,"Gay Irishmen Did you hear about the first gay Irish couple? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
"
80259,"What do you call an arranged marriage between two communists who don't like each other? A so-be-it union.
"
176794,"School is like a boner. It's long and hard unless you're asian.
"
76894,"Whenever I game on my Note 7 I always have such a blast
"
147447,"No, no, no. I said I was a 'peephole' person.
"
78734,"Spoiler Alert: There will be a minimum of 4 """"Gangnam Styles"""" at every party this Halloween.
"
47167,"Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
"
132164,"Why is a Boston painting school so special? Because everyone there is ahtistic.
"
110960,"i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl's keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
"
193051,"Since Ghandi walked barefoot, and ate a diet giving him bad breath, he was... A super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis!
"
33761,"Nothing spoils the target more than a hit.
"
56546,"How do fallopian tubes like there eggs in the morning?? Ovary-sy
"
160216,"Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
"
68599,"What do you call a black guy at college? A miracle. Edit: I've hidden this post as I realized it was stupid and too offensive. I'm sorry, it was overly racist.
"
146350,"Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
"
207922,"What's the name of the Hogwarts Professor that has an STI? Syphilis Snape
"
224829,"Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
"
184913,"Why were all the ships sinking Because the japanese just learned to fly and were looking for a fun target
"
166997,"Why dont blind people skydive? because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
"
216004,"Why is sorority row the safest place to be during a zombie invasion? Cause the zombies are looking for braaaaaaaains
"
196852,"An Irish man walks out of a bar.
"
208831,"What do you call an Italian reggae enthusiast? A pastafarian
"
72890,"""""What's your name?"""" """"Colin Fucking Wilson."""" """"Have you got Tourrettes?"""" """"No, but the Vicar at my Christening did.""""
"
122788,"No YOU'RE the stalker. (I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)
"
47858,"The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
"
110026,"What did one Spanish speaking white supremacist say to the other Spanish speaking white supremacist after eating a piece of delicious cake? Que queque!
"
34878,"The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
"
64139,"Dear Kids, there is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents. Love, Julian Assange - *WikiLeaks*.
"
80463,"Here's another Diarrhea joke If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, then does one enjoy it?
"
217740,"What do you get when you have rough sex in an ice cream parlour? A sore bae.
"
118468,"Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
"
3671,"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog !
"
119694,"My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.
"
20765,"What did the poet with hemorrhoids say? I'm stuffin the puffin back into my muffin.
"
46197,"Last year, I got socks for Christmas. The year before, I got a couple of sacks. And before that, a sax. For pity's sake, Santa, you blind old jerk, it's sex. S-E-X.
"
9387,"The way I see it, the only thing my daughter's little """"boyfriend"""" needs to know about me is I ain't afraid to go back to prison.
"
230305,"Why doesn't Texas float away into the Gulf of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks.
"
91459,"What did the illiterate Mexican say to the funny looking bottle of mayonnaise? """"LMAO""""
"
30518,"I remember when my dad was a drinker I also remember when he was a alive.
"
1809,"What if the missing plane is still up there? """"What?"""" Did you check the sky? """"No."""" See, this is why you'll never advance, Kevin.
"
46732,"I hate the phrase """"let me clarify"""" because it means someone is about to talk some more.
"
223176,"Craigslist A man placed an ad on his local craigslist: """"Wife wanted"""". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: """"You can have mine.""""
"
148348,"I'm cursed to end every statement I make with Bruno Mars lyrics Don't believe me? Just watch.
"
122479,"My """"Game of Thrones"""" is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
"
63531,"Hey, have you heard of that new movie, """"Constipation""""? Yeah...it hasn't come out yet.
"
200307,"What's a pirate's favorite letter?
"
208439,"We think you may have a phobia of marriage Doctor: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are? Me: I can't say I do. Doctor: That's one of the symptoms, yes.
"
169950,"How to respond when asked if you watched the Super Bowl. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"
141027,"There are 10 kinds of people in the world... People who can read binary and those who can't.
"
12228,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - King Kong Barbie ...six foot tall ape holding Barbie doll dressed like Fae Rae
"
13884,"English joke - What's another name for Santa's elves? Subordinate Clauses
"
200993,"2 guys walking down the road... they see a dog, licking its junk. """"I wish I could do that."""" """"Uhhh....you might want to try petting him first.""""
"
227072,"What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ? It's Christmas Eve !
"
144316,"It is rude to start a Twitter account and not state within 48 hours that you want to see what all the fuss is about.
"
198678,"My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
"
36260,"What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
"
74765,"My girlfriend is like ketchup. I always bang her on the table.
"
187695,"How does a musician make a million dollars? They start with 2 million.
"
44299,"I just threw a rock at a guy who was getting Subway breakfast. He understood why.
"
210951,"I used to do this impression where I was a blind anaesthetist; stopped 'cause the audience wasn't feelin' it and I couldn't see the point.
"
12826,"Chris Brown said he's done making music. That's funny. I didn't even know he started.
"
42598,"1) My wife and I are fighting 2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me 3) My phone is in the room where she's sleeping
"
230749,"Got a quick joke, that might be offensive to women. NSFW Q: Two tampoons drive right pass you. Which one stop to say """"Hello?"""" A: Neither! They're both stuck up cunts.
"
68555,"(Interview) Says here on your resume that you're unpredictable. (I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman) """"That's a rumor"""".
"
151101,"Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit afire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have yourkayak and heat it too.
"
11205,"What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, since he's too short to be an ese.
"
145353,"Have Egyptians tried unplugging and plugging Egypt?
"
192400,"Usain Bolt isn't allowed near any elementary schools. The speed limit is only 40 kph!
"
69726,"Why do people live soda? Because it's sodalicious.
"
189817,"Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
"
101231,"Why do people say amen instead of awomen at church? Because they sing hymns, not hers.
"
84782,"So there are 2 fish in a tank... And one says to the other: """"Hey, how do you drive this thing??""""
"
207767,"__________________________________________ Just drawing the line somewhere on R/Jokes
"
167175,"Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.
"
8885,"I know this guy who prematurely ejaculates and he just comes out of no where...
"
66409,"A Muslim, A Christiana and a Jew walk into a bar, The Muslim blows up the place before anyone could say anything.
"
121815,"How can you be sure you have counterfeit money? If it's a three-dollar bill you can be sure.
"
160926,"People keep telling me that I have no idea what it's like to have no roof above my head I don't think so, I really like the new Porsche convertible.
"
69998,"Cop: You doin drugs? """"No"""" Cop: Whatya smokin? """"Pot"""" Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS """"Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs""""
"
216206,"*Licks the fire in your soul *Burns tongue
"
106917,"Restaurant At restaurant, We wait for a waiter to bring order... Aren,t we waiter too...
"
10697,"I want to be cremated... So I can finally have a smoking hot body!!
"
67717,"I'm a genie. If you rub me, ill grant you 3 wishes.
"
84501,"What sound does a Nintendo Ambulence make? Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U.
"
161676,"""""Ma'am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I'm gonna need you to step out of the car."""" """"Um, I have a boyfriend.""""
"
223726,"ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I'm gonna sting him BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
"
183211,"When I open the Sriracha and a bunch squirts out on its own I tell it that it's okay, it happens to a lot of hot sauces.
"
49499,"I found Alan Rickman in the grocery store yesterday... Jk
"
146505,"Hey Seattle do you want to win a Superbowl???? """" No thanks we'll pass!! """"
"
145857,"Q: What did the mermaid do last Sunday night? A: She went to sea a movie.
"
99961,"Boobs My wife has eczema all over her chest. She's got a cracking pair of boobs.
"
133297,"How do Humans Reproduce? A: Sexually B: Sexually C: Sexually
"
219987,"At this point, every item on drive-thru menus should have """"Uhhh..."""" in front of it.
"
97424,"Thou shalt not commit adulthood
"
175041,"Why do Arabs only buy Chevy Trucks? Because they're like Iraq.
"
149044,"My friend thought it would be funny to fake his own death... It was a hard thing for us to die-jest
"
225349,"Mom stop you are not funny Son: Mom stop you are not funny, you never make jokes. Mom: I made you.
"
229990,"Vets aren't doctors: Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe I can help? Mom: My son broke his leg! Vet: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck.
"
188187,"The date had been magic. We moved to her couch & kissed. That's when horror struck as my eyes locked on the Duck Dynasty DVDs on her shelf.
"
91993,"What did one the left headphone say to the right headphone as they walked through a haunted house? This place feels earie.
"
207843,"A man went to see his doctor """"You need to stop masturbating"""" said the doctor. """"Why?"""" asked the man. The doctor replied """"Because I'm trying to examine you!""""
"
68208,"QA Engineer Goes To A Bar He orders 1 beer. He orders -1 beer. He orders 644644678 beer. He orders a goat. He orders asdfg.
"
47818,"What's the problem with tipped cows? They can't MOOve
"
199808,"I feel like putting on a shirt with a huge dot and going trick or treating the day after Halloween to scare people. Cause then I'd be a late period.
"
53875,"What's the best thing to put into a pie Your teeth.
"
226532,"As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked """"Are you going to put that up yourself?"""" No you sick fuck, I'm putting it up in the living room.
"
182198,"My orgasm face is pretty much the same as my looking-over-my-shoulder-while-backing-up-the-car face.
"
35803,"I'd rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
"
60161,"What did the fly say to the second man on the moon? Buzz.....
"
11016,"The English language is bizzare There was a young girl from Slough Who choked on a piece of raw dough But the time she was through With hiccup and cough She woke everyone in the borough
"
184132,"Have you heard about the internet couple that broke up? They just didn't click together anymore.
"
139141,"I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
"
20652,"What do you call using Tinder while you are in the bathroom? A swipe and wipe.
"
209475,"A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.
"
163970,"A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
"
143355,"Me: *breathes* *gains weight*
"
144494,"What genre can't Ed Sheeran sing ? Soul
"
96691,"Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying """"Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.""""
"
138641,"If they sold Star Trek themed condoms they wouldn't need to put any condoms in the wrappers.
"
75237,"My grandmother always wanted to be in a gated community So that's why I chose to have her buried at the cemetery when she died.
"
216411,"What do you call the Loch Ness monster on drugs You're high ness
"
212751,"If a woman has sex with a hundred men...... She is a considered a slut. If a man does the same thing, he is gay.
"
18257,"Three Germans were sitting in a bar telling jokes about WWII. They lost it.
"
230741,"""""Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?"""" Well, Katy, I'm thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that's a pretty apt simile
"
217156,"The most unrealistic part of The Martian movie was... CNN's coverage did not involve speculation about whether Joe Biden would also get stuck on Mars
"
196012,"Imagine how hard you'd cry if you found out your mom had been eaten by a wolf WHILE you were chopping onions.
"
82482,"What is half the diameter of a radish? ...the radiush.
"
46288,"I accidentally rear ended a mercedes with a midget driver... he got out, looked at the damage and yelled """"I am not happy!"""". I replied """"fine, which one are you then?""""
"
137177,"Ladies, if he says he would go to the """"end of the earth"""" for you and then he goes missing, check Finland.
"
185341,"What did the dolphin king say at the funeral of his faithful servant? You have served your porpoise.
"
54331,"What did the man say after his wife was dragged off the beach by a seal? Welp, seal ate her.
"
125276,"I think I might be a wizard... every time I push open a door it becomes ajar.
"
80863,"""""Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?"""" *sigh* """"Because you don't b-"""" """"BECAUSE WE DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU""""
"
17926,"learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
"
34779,"I used to be a plastic surgeon. Which raised a few eyebrows. (Credits: Stewart Francis. Look him up, this guy is hilarious)
"
187525,"What do you call a prostitute that is bad at their job? Whorrible.
"
87752,"The best thing about a blowjob... ... is the 15 minutes of silence.
"
87000,"What does Gwen Stefani say when it rains a lot in California? **No Drought.**
"
58932,"[first date] """"so what do you do?"""" *thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I'm a hedge fund manager
"
155074,"I've got an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one.
"
7170,"My wife's a biology teacher... This morning she asked how I wanted my eggs. I told her, """"Ovariesy.""""
"
102584,"Josh Gordon sold his first car the other day... (xpost r/nflcirclejerk) it was a beater he sold to Ray Rice.
"
144072,"What did the mermaid wear to her math class? An algae bra.
"
68095,"Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone? He couldn't find the droid he was looking for.
"
170503,"Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, """"I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"""" She says, """"Don't worry. It's not your fault.""""
"
155164,"You're not cool if you have to tell people you're cool. I'm looking at you, Cool Whip.
"
79742,"A Sober Irishman... .
"
107774,"What did the carrot say to the DJ? Lettuce Turnip The Beet
"
96379,"wanna hear a joke about my dick? nevermind its too long
"
160185,"What's Pac-Man's favourite holiday destination? [Wagga Wagga](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wagga_Wagga)
"
228084,"What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ? She lays hand gren-eggs !
"
206725,"You know you've got a real fatty in bed when her boobs taste like deodorant
"
52469,"Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms....
"
49106,"What is the interior temperature of a Tauntaun? Lukewarm
"
144735,"What sucks about being black and jewish? You gotta stand at the back of the oven! Edit: I was at an [7] when typing this and fucked it up. It is better now. oven was bus. Changed bus to oven.
"
83431,"My dog has no nose. That's terrible! How does he smell? Awful.
"
6063,"Dad I spotted a Dalmatian! No need to it already has its own spots!
"
190373,"When life hands you melons... You might be dyslexic.
"
75771,"I like my woman the way I like my coffee. Hot, black, and all over my lap while I'm driving.
"
23182,"Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural? Dumb Bob: You add S. T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us. DB: [writes] SNAIL
"
84416,"(1st day in heaven) Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
"
57358,"What's the difference between Chuck Schumer and Tom Brady Tom Brady is a Patriot and a winner. (Thank you Dennis Miller)
"
140589,"What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight!
"
45339,"What is Robin Williams doing in heaven? Not sure, probably just hanging out.
"
108406,"Why were there only 40,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo? They only had 2 trucks
"
6878,"I was glad to see the back of my ex-girlfriend! She always insisted on having sex doggy-style....
"
213695,"Q: How do you make a hot dog stand? A: Take away its chair.
"
188627,"Sorry I took the little stringy things off my banana and put them on your baby's head to make it look like he had hair.
"
114205,"If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
"
132507,"Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital? It came out cordless!
"
3661,"[death row] Guard: Any last words? Me: [smugly] photosynthesis. Guard: ... Me: it sounded longer in my head.
"
211962,"What does the 'B' in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot
"
85805,"I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn't tell I was drinking. I'm worried about her, now.
"
200729,"Waiter there is a cockroach on my steak ! They don't seem to care what they eat do they sir !
"
164463,"I'm Mexican and I think we should go to bed early Tomorrow we need to wake up early to go build the wall.
"
131354,"What do you call a canadian girl that can not sing? Justin Bieber
"
76670,"How do you confuse Hellen Keller? Give her a basketball, and tell her to read it.
"
130412,"I didn't sleep so well last night... So this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I made it halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
"
7425,"What does a dog become after it 6 years old? Seven years old.
"
201488,"Remember, if you smoke after sex... ...You're doing it too fast!
"
23154,"Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?! 4-year-old: 2-year-old: 4-year-old: 2-year-old: 4-year-old: The dog.
"
96112,"Want to know how to make tons of people mad real fast? your about to now how.
"
106968,"Why is the moon tastier than Earth? It's meteor.
"
152381,"Yo Mama so fat she's gotta wake up in sections
"
106184,"Why did Princess Diana cross the road? A: Conservation of momentum. _____ *Also, give me your best dark jokes, I've been out of it a few years and I need to get some new material.*
"
3097,"My friend said he was a harp.. But he was obviously a lyre.
"
153205,"Saw a """"Don't Text and Drive"""" sign on my way into work today. Good thing I took a second to look up from my phone, otherwise I may have missed it.
"
183981,"TIL Only three types of mammals go through menopause. The Blue Whale, The Beluga Whale, and You're Mom
"
51152,"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
"
8767,"My wife informs me that today our 2YO daughter said, """"fart,"""" and laughed uproariously. Three times. So, yeah. That one's mine.
"
82128,"Are you a moment of Inertia? Because you're MR (squared)
"
102580,"What do you call a black person on the moon? An astronaut
"
77053,"Why did the redditor go to /r/zelda? To boost his link karma!
"
208752,"Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy. Alcohol sales have never been higher.
"
209855,"I remember when my grand father first got his pace maker Every time he would go to use the microwave he would piss his pants and forget who he was for about an half an hour or so.
"
181916,"I almost killed my whole family last night, but eventually chose not to let my wife drive.
"
11719,"I went to a seafood disco last week I ended up pulling a mussel.
"
55943,"I made the kids put sunglasses on the snowman so he wouldn't have to make eye contact with the neighbors.
"
156152,"Whats the most common breakfast in Africa? Ebola cereal!
"
118940,"It turns out no one likes """"the real me"""" and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.
"
22284,"What part of the body does a woman never move while dancing Her bowels
"
199923,"What is a punny play? A play on words.
"
150181,"Husband &amp; wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver &amp; wife is kidney. If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.
"
154802,"Not to brag, but I was voted """"Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal"""" by everyone who has ever met me.
"
67135,"Today is David Finchers birthday... WHATS IN THE BOX!?????
"
38167,"Steve Irwin lived as he died With animals firmly in his heart
"
12390,"Which mythical creature casts no reflection? All of them, technically.
"
21309,"Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female... The female egg says """"Oh my, look, I've got a crack"""" """"No good telling me"""" replies the male egg, """"I'm not even hard yet""""
"
208821,"Spider-Man's a great addition to The Avengers, if they're looking for a superhero who is best at watching people they love die.
"
47517,"I need a full wifi description before I can even consider coming to your home
"
156641,"What's the difference between a joke and 100 dicks in your ass? You can't take a joke.
"
214186,"Knock knock... Who's there? An owl says...
"
80477,"How do doctors treat mesothelioma? Asbestos they can.
"
54507,"How do you keep men on their toes? Raise the urinals
"
69743,"What's the difference between Males and Females? An iron.
"
49679,"What did Yoda say to Luke when he was constipated? Try or try not, there is no do.
"
152509,"What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day ? After a week he was spotless !
"
124119,"Me, Myself &amp; Irene What would be the movie called if it were about you? You Yourself &amp; Urine.
"
9088,"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur. -George.W.Bush
"
51739,"How many psychiatrists does it take to  change a light bulb? """"How long have you been having this  phantasy?""""
"
205962,"TIL the French flag is traditionally made with Velcro So they could remove the red and blue bits in times of war
"
44001,"Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit ? They are both ginger nuts !
"
174324,"I had a Ford Fiesta.... and fed it some adderall and it turned into a Ford Focus
"
33963,"The ex says he's come into some money and can finally """"take care"""" of me. Wait...he's gonna have me killed isn't he?
"
92468,"And then God made Saturn. And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
"
115397,"How do you know if you have skin cancer? You die from skin cancer and come back as a ghost to study the autopsy report.
"
17360,"*Crosses fingers* *Fingers plan their revenge*
"
141880,"I'm making a graph of my past relationships... I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.
"
182407,"How many pushups can Chuck Norris do? All of them!
"
118543,"While getting ready to leave on trip, I was trying to get my wife to hurry up. She says """"Why are you rushin'?"""" Too which I replied """"Because my grandpa is from Moscow."""" Duh..
"
117423,"My girlfriend likes to play this weird game.. Where she dresses up like herself and acts like a bitch all the time.
"
60461,"Ever since I've been on crutches I've been extremely depressed... I mean I just can't stand myself.
"
72956,"Excuse me, but do you need the Jaws of Life? Because damn girl, you're crushin' it
"
220694,"So many good jokes on twitter today. Comparatively few reliable strategies for achieving eternal life.
"
150199,"Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.
"
115160,"My attitude changes in 5 seconds flat. From sweetheart to bitch. So I suggest you don't test that.
"
227292,"I want to tell the sun to stop being so self-centered But the world does revolve around him
"
106236,"My x had a Nikon breast implant She called it her photographic mammary.
"
33394,"I don't understand why, with all the modern technology we have, objects in the mirror can't be the exact size as they appear
"
115853,"For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it's coupons
"
1280,"My penis is so polite..... .....it stands up to give ladies a place to sit down.
"
113070,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was black
"
84518,"I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p. I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
"
102980,"*Girl comes out in a slinky dress* ME: Ooh that looks like fun *I push her down the stairs*
"
47027,"How to write Icelandic: 1) Put a dictionary in a blender 2) Blend 3) Pour onto table. 4) Voila!
"
179754,"[god creatig god] GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent ANGEL: ok... GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists ANGEL: ru sure GOD: trust me
"
66818,"Wild horses could definitely drag me away. Tame horses could too. A slightly muscular hamster probably could drag me away at this point.
"
29857,"My kid just told me all she wants for Christmas is a bell so she can """"make lots of money like the man outside walmart.""""
"
225717,"Found my first grey pubic hair last night. Just a shame it was in a kebab.
"
26674,"Joke  What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? Wife: """"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"""" Husband: """"You have perfect eyesight.""""
"
122033,"Computer helpline? Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white....
"
148239,"I saw some nudity on TV last night... I just sat there shaking my fist. I was furious.
"
178905,"Give the chick a break. Kristen Stewart TOTALLY looks sorry. Or happy. Or sad. Or constipated.
"
14700,"got removed from r/showerthoughts but... Helen Keller really only knew a hand-full of words...
"
55550,"what's red and invisible? no tomatoes.
"
38325,"What did the leper say to the hooker? """"Keep the tip.""""
"
152540,"My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
"
176448,"Green tea reduces weight* *Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
"
96502,"A man with anxiety accidentally annoyed the cartel He began seeing a psychiatrist because of hispanic attacks.
"
4609,"College guy: How do you like it? Me: Salty...of course *slaps down $20 CG: We'll take two pretzels with salt ~Get outta the gutter pervs
"
195688,"blacksmith joke A blacksmith asked his apprentice, """"Have you ever shoed a horse?"""" He replied: """"No, but i once told a donkey to fuck off""""
"
218260,"I walked in on my Arab roommate He was having sex with his girlfriend from behind, while shaving with his left hand and all while having an argument. I said """"good thing you're not wearing ihram!""""
"
190701,"What's white on top and black on bottom? Society. Whats black on top and white on bottom? rape.
"
176879,"A blonde gets an acceptance letter to Harvard .
"
84180,"Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the """"P"""" is silent
"
46986,"What do you call a wanker on a plane? a Highjacker
"
77673,"A horse trots into a bar, trips, and falls
"
229611,"What if Hitler was cast for 'The Matrix' instead of Keanu Reeves? The movie would have been pretty... Neo-Nazi.
"
230177,"I was having sex with a 90 year old woman yesterday nsfw She stopped suddenly and shouted Quick call me an ambulance! I said, I'll call you whatever you want you kinky bitch.
"
221347,"Interviewer : So you're super fast at math? Me : Yup I : Ok, what's 346x48? Me : 804 I : That's not correct Me : Fast though.
"
41349,"""""Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman's body"""" - Russian nesting doll
"
1604,"A: You look nice today, is that a new shirt and haircut? B: I masturbated yesterday, So I had to clean up afterwards. And one thing lead to another. Hair trimming included.
"
198185,"What has a bottom at its top? A leg.
"
138834,"We're going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out. And Facebook is going to pay for it. Make Twitter Great Again.
"
133602,"Corny Jokes Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiots house!!!! Knock Knock!!!! (You know what comes next,comment for the rest)
"
111385,"I'm really confused by the fact people judge me for refusing to pay for Netflix... I mean, I've seen Stranger Things.
"
110252,"Some naughty science shit. 63 earths can fit inside ur-anus.
"
196596,"kanye west: beyonce is the best there is & she's one of the few true artists of our generation me: kanye: me: how did u get in my room again
"
194547,"What did the melon say to his daughter after she tried to get married? You cant-elope!
"
197459,"""""No more Mr Nice Guy"""" ~ Mr Nice Guy's eulogy
"
185015,"[on a 1st date] Me: I'm just looking to take things slow Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
"
132803,"Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
"
181604,"What did the casket say to the sick casket? Are you coffin?
"
218361,"My friend's Mom and Dad are really fat... He told me it runs in the family. Nice try, but no one runs in your family
"
130344,"My entry for the shortest joke in the world congress
"
74625,"What's the worst thing your wife can do while you're having sex? Come home early.
"
92833,"In a hundred year's times, the equivalent of """"Mozart turning in his grave"""" will be Adele rolling in the deep
"
176370,"Atoms are Liars... They make up everything.
"
14322,"I ran into the back of a dwarf's car. He said he wasn't happy. I said """"Well which one are you?""""
"
215610,"*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that's my girlfriend.
"
1831,"Did you """"ask"""" me or """"axe"""" me? Because seriously...... one is murder.
"
93887,"What do black people get when they die? Nigger Mortis
"
71531,"I'm sorry and I apologize are the same thing... Unless it's at a funeral.
"
61063,"How many black people does it take to start a riot. -1 I stole this.
"
40202,"Damn Reddit, Aren't you tired of this bullshit?
"
182511,"How do you get four gay guys on a barstool? Turn it upside-down.
"
179396,"The best joke I know. [Link to the joke.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eialt/oh_you_sneaky_little_bastard/)
"
146142,"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
"
27510,"How do you get herpes viral infection of the eye? Looking for love in all the wrong places.
"
230120,"What is something that looks like an obese vagina, loves guns, is widely hated by the Europeans and can't take a joke? An Americunt.
"
213894,"To those who want to join the conversation. Don't.
"
225541,"There's no such thing as a viral meme (pass it on)
"
219235,"I like my women like I like my coffee ground up and easily dissolved.
"
99158,"how to tell.... do you know how to tell if your room mate is gay? his dick taste like shit
"
152793,"What do dark humour and food have in common? Only some people get it.
"
215185,"My friend and I always fight over the electric drill It can get a little bit heated.
"
102033,"A forgetful guy walks into a bar... ..Hm?. Oh shit,I've forgotten it!.
"
83954,"What do you call an unemployed rasta? Jah bless
"
218114,"The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
"
168378,"How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.
"
30103,"Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim's ringtone.
"
36864,"Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You pick up the wrong phone.
"
188653,"The ladies call me """"subway"""".. ..because I lie about being 12 inches and my meat smells like a yoga mat.
"
21348,"How do you kill lots of Anzacs in a small amount of time? By telling them to get out of the trench
"
108243,"My Jewish friend reviewed Auschwitz on Tripadvisor. He gave it one star.
"
221407,"What did the retarded kid get on his IQ test? Drool
"
125537,"Whats Harry Potters favourite way of getting down a hill? walking. JK ROLLING
"
47576,"Doctor: """"Sir, the results are in. I'm afraid you have a serious case of 80s Rock Bands Alzheimer's"""" Patient: """"Oh my god. What is the cure??!""""
"
219995,""""" You should date black guys"""" - how girls tell each other they're fat
"
113511,"I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo.
"
174562,"Van Gogh's best friend was his brother Theo He would often lend him an ear.
"
105419,"I like my coffee like i like my women. Ground up and in the fridge.
"
74460,"Don't you hate people that answer their own questions? I do.
"
130849,"A woman is in an abusive relationship. She's talking to her friend one day. Her friend asks, """"Why do you stay with him?"""" She replies, """"Beats me!""""
"
134846,"Don't use the Internet ...when you have low self confidence. JUST KIDDING, THAT IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULD USE IT!
"
220179,"What did onlookers say to the Wright Brothers as they took off? BYE PLANE
"
106109,"Q: Where do baby cows go to eat lunch? A: At the calf-eteria.
"
221088,"Why is Jar Jar Binks so lonely? He's been looking for love in Alderaan places.
"
229320,"How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone? Put it into airplane mode
"
3860,"I had a masturbation addiction. I beat it.
"
194887,"What do a black guy and a paraplegic have in common? They're both only three fifths of a person
"
49598,"Did you guys see Micheal J. Fox's icebucket challenge? The water was so cold , he's still shaking.
"
23501,"When you've got a bladder infection... Urine trouble.
"
75363,"Why are Toblerone's triangular shaped? So they fit in the box.
"
105637,"Why can't rock climbing instructors get dates? Because they rappel men and women.
"
21530,"What do you call a deer without an eye? No idear.
"
86937,"Hello everyone, welcome back to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous... I gotta say I'm pretty disappointed because I'm seeing a lot of new faces here tonight...
"
209588,"Ladies, If you would simply make your Facebook profile pic a bikini shot, it would save me a lot of awkward stalking time.
"
109951,"My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances... Well, she's in for a shock.
"
93994,"Remember don't judge, you never know what another person is going through Unless they're constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
"
87099,"I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
"
137185,"Computers and my spouse are very similar in some ways. If ever there is something wrong, it's probably my fault.
"
44668,"I like my women like i like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
"
184377,"A dyslexic man walks into a bra. Title.
"
150760,"Poured Tresemme on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
"
7792,"I remember this from a Monty Python """"My dog has no nose!"""" Says one man. His friend asks """"well how does he smell?"""" """"Stinky!""""
"
88616,"My signature move is texting """"There in 5"""" while I'm 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
"
107257,"Did you hear Adrian Peterson is trying out for the MLB? Apparently he's one hell of a switch hitter.
"
96255,"If I had a dollar for everything I did out of spite... I wouldn't take the money.
"
55062,"What game is in Schrodinger's Xbox? Dead or Alive
"
194823,"I wouldn't mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren't coming from my wife.
"
125571,"why public hairs not gone white ?
"
201656,"Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens. Alien: Take us to your leader. America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
"
46031,"No YOU let your kid think he could turn the traffic lights green with his mind powers until he was 10 yrs old!
"
54419,"""""Egocentric"""" is an anagram of """"Geocentric"""" I guess the world really does revolve around me...
"
100733,"My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.
"
114406,"I went to get a physical the other day... And the doctor told me that I had to stop masturbating. Shocked, I asked him """"why?"""" He said I had to stop because he was giving me a physical.
"
151993,"Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I'd love you more if you had super powers.
"
198943,"Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket..., Thinks to herself. """"Well, some asshole's got my pen."""" Another you say? What's the difference between rectal and oral thermometers. Taste.
"
66528,"How many Jews can you fit in a car? Two in the front, three in the back, and as many as you can fit in the ash tray.
"
146150,"If you text """"Haiti"""" to Pat Robertson's phone number, $10 will be deducted from his account and sent to Haiti.
"
76570,"What is a Men's Rights activist's idea of foreplay? Trying to argue a prostitute into accepting a credit card.
"
211097,"My sole task as an elevator boy is pushing buttons. It's just depressing.
"
131300,"According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, """"I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.""""
"
102247,"What do you get when you push a piano down a mining shaft? A flat minor.
"
2807,"The TV remote, the G-spot and black dads. Some things are just made not to be found.
"
156173,"What are the 3 rules to buying real estate, the difference between jock itch and athlete's foot, and breastfeeding and a glass of milk? Location, location, location.
"
16985,"I'm thinking about buying a greyhound, don't know what the wife is going to say so I'll run it by her first.
"
108566,"What's the deal with the phrase """"door ajar""""? I mean, is it a door or is it a jar?
"
119098,"At the funeral home How do you want your mother-in-law buried or cremated? Hmm No risk do both.
"
80025,"In his quest to gain more power, the mad scientist extended his hours at the lab. This is after he discovered that power is work overtime.
"
60,"Things have really turned around for me since I re-named my penis and testicles """"JD Power and Associates"""".
"
228221,"The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, """"Duck"""". His mother slaps him.
"
132015,"As I've gotten older, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. I guess its time to move out, its starting to get weird.
"
60684,"What do you call a cat who takes a shortcut in a race? A Cheetah.
"
118585,"When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport. Where it goes is up to you.
"
16195,"I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day. Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
"
31505,"What are they going to use to build the wall? The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president.
"
18016,"I'd make a joke about mentally handicapped people... But I can't compete with the one God already made
"
76921,"How was Snoop Dogg murdered? Blunt force trauma.
"
74575,"Knock Knock Who's there? Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly who? Peanut butter jelly you!
"
62125,"Her: Give me a chat up line? Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper? Her: *laughs* Because I'm so captivating? Me: No, you smell like an animal.
"
35184,"Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
"
128936,"Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exausted.
"
181267,"Punctuation is really important: it's the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse, and helping your uncle, Jack, off a horse.
"
227522,"What's the difference between a fridge and a gay man? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
"
131491,"Her: You need to text faster Me: Not sure what you just sent. I'm still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago
"
111788,"NSFW What's the difference between sex and lunch? Depends on where you put the cucumber. Worked in a fruit and veg shop, guy stopped me packing cucumbers to tell me that.
"
68708,"I've snapped a bunch of necks Being a necklace photographer isn't too bad
"
43984,"Wife asked me to get """"bath stuff"""" for xmas. Hope she likes her toaster.
"
17974,"I listen to trump rallies before I go to bed They're all white noise.
"
54609,"My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house
"
168369,"I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, """"How flexible are you?"""" I said, """"I can't make Tuesdays.
"
190575,"Old enough -Mom I'm finally 15, can I have a boyfriend? -No. -Can I use high Heels? -No. -Can I use a mini skirt? -No. -But why? -Because you're a man, Bob.
"
100559,"What did David Bowie want for Christmas? Carrie Fisher.
"
102756,"What's a neckbeard's favorite pokemon? M'champ
"
185354,"Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school? A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
"
200541,"Why did the yoga pants come in last place? They were bringing up the rear.
"
214373,"How do you get your girlfriend to stop giving you blowjobs? You marry her.
"
228332,"Q: What's green, and sings? A: Elvis Parsley
"
18033,"*opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead* If you're here then.. [cut to kid bursting through a wall like 'oh yeah']
"
140308,"People that say """"The worst kind of cut is a paper cut"""" probably haven't been stabbed in the face before.
"
36628,"If a cop busts you with a prostitute, slip an engagement ring on her finger & be like """"Joke's on you, bro; we're in love!""""
"
126945,"Yo mama so fat.... pickup lines don't work on her.
"
120452,"What car does Luke Skywalker drive? A Toyoda
"
9971,"An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch. A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, """"Have you lived here all your life."""" """"Not yet.""""
"
228915,"My angry wife left me after she said """".. eat shit and die! """" And all I said was: """"So dinner is ready?"""".
"
228119,"Why is 2 Phosphorus Oxygen Carbon the greatest rapper from the elements? 2POC
"
149330,"PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
"
211752,"""""Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take? """"Your trip will take 5 hours"""" """"Google, I have a child. """"Your trip will take 9 hours"""".
"
10919,"Stoners are gearing up to do on 4/20 what they do every other day of the year.
"
167446,"I've got the body of a 25 year old supermodel But my fridge is too small... Does anyone have any ideas?
"
22488,"What does a German say when you finally explain a funny meme to him? Danke
"
34652,"got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
"
116691,"Bill Cosby and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar... tender girl who later reports them to the police for sexual harrasment.
"
27539,"Me at a wine tasting: *swirls glass* *sniffs* *sips slowly* *stares off into the distance* ...Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
"
210303,"How do you ruin a joke? Screw it up. How do you ruin a joke? Screw it up again.
"
190973,"The woman who will be on the $10 bill has been announced and it's. . . Caitlyn Jenner-Hamilton
"
144718,"If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you. Science.
"
119313,"Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
"
192289,"A guy walks into a bar.... ...holding a set of jumper cables and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says """"okay, I'll serve you, but don't you start anything!""""
"
131312,"Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn't a teen mom. Because that child would not be OK today.
"
175616,"The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said """"Flawless Victory!""""
"
226223,"making cookies? be sure to save some of the dough so you can start gorging while they're baking
"
66762,"What do Jedi use to open PDF files? Adobe wan Kenobi.
"
5082,"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person? None.
"
128097,"8/11 Never Forget What? Too Soon?
"
2288,"I like my women like I like my wine... Twelve years old and in the cellar.
"
107528,"Guy comes home to find his best friend in bed with his wife. He says: """"Jimmy, I HAVE to, but you?""""
"
81136,"What's red and crawls up your leg? A homesick abortion.
"
152445,"Do you like web jokes? Yes - they're e-larious!
"
113057,"Did you hear about the award winning scarecrow? He was out standing in his field.
"
147605,"Who has the easiest job in the world right now? Joan Rivers' embalmer.
"
46552,"What's the square root of 69? 8 something
"
202826,"I'm gonna have sex on new year's day... To start the new year with a bang.
"
160801,"I work at a restaurant and one of the chefs there is both dyslexic and epileptic. Ended up sending out a chicken seizure salad.
"
126203,"I'm a janitor at MIT and i see some extremely hard ass equation on the chalk board. i quickly erase it because im not being paid to do math
"
72097,"A wise Chinese man once said... """"If a dog barks... its probably undercooked"""".
"
66721,"Why did the referee blow his whistle at the leper hockey game? There was a face off at centre ice.
"
29756,"I got a new job growing weed. It's the Kush-iest job I've ever had.
"
176146,"Someone told me: You shouldn't fall in love because you might get hurt.... I said yeah: And you shouldn't fuckin live because you might die..
"
148143,"Is my corny pun... A-maize-zing?
"
91901,"A man goes to a library and asks for a book on Suicide The Librarian says: Fuck off, You wont bring it back.
"
180598,"Why are there so many Mike Tysons on my news feed today...? """"May the forth be with you""""
"
69081,"hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it 'No Filter', go with a filter next time. serious
"
50340,"Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
"
68243,"Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can't.
"
15392,"Do you want to know what Jon Snow and yo momma have in common? They both can be stabbed multiple times and not die...
"
227249,"My grandma thinks of me as a rock star... Always having me sign her tits. Takes forever.
"
225465,"What's the most annoying part about waking up to find a penis drawing on your face? Figuring out how to make it stop.
"
201694,"*Throws caution to the wind* *gets covered in caution*
"
217188,"What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
"
207070,"Some people say I am crazy Lucky for me, only I can hear them
"
216300,"I raped myself today. It sucks being a schizophrenic hermaphrodite.
"
79736,"Damn girl, are you a cigarette? Cuz I don't want you unless I'm drunk and one of my friends is already having you.
"
172267,"Girl likes 'boys with accents <333' on Facebook. I charge at her. """"HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY""""
"
149093,"What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers? Your mother.
"
194874,"My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
"
76126,"Seven year old brother hit me with this one Him: How do people look at the internet? Me: How? Him: With their google-y eyes
"
108604,"My mom still tells me not to talk to strangers. I'm 22 mom, I don't talk to strangers, I sleep with them.
"
179377,"How does a mathematician get rid of constipation? He works it out with a pencil.
"
148833,"what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human? thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
"
57371,"[blood bank] Doc inserts needle [turns around] YOU AGAIN! [vampire sucking on tube like straw] GO ON SCOOT [chases him from room with broom]
"
131166,"""""I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this."""" -me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I'll try shouting
"
168970,"[crouches down] [rubs earth between fingers] 'The pizza went that way ..'
"
83818,"I asked a refugee: """"How did you get out of Iraq?"""" He answered: """"Iran""""
"
54082,"Which country has many spaces to put your car in? Park-istan!
"
134169,"Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
"
46501,"If a giant capture you and me and made a smoothie out of us, what would it taste like? It would taste like """"just us"""".
"
161913,"Stand Up Comedy Yes, I actually did some stand up comedy, but I didn't like it... every time I would get up on stage to do my routine, all people ever did was laugh at me...
"
205681,"Just thought of a nazi knock knock joke (probably said before) Knock knock Whos there? Nazis Nazis who? No wonder we killed millions of you.
"
182738,"*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm *calls cell phone *waits
"
49791,"What do people wear when they go to a new planet? Terraformal wear.
"
51853,"If there's more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali? I just want to be ready.
"
211666,"What do you call a boring meme about some internet drama that you don't care about? Dramameme.
"
68674,"What do you do with an epileptic in a bathtub? Throw your laundry in with them.
"
94715,"I just saw someone eat 12 dozen custard donuts It looked like a gross meal
"
42697,"Let me get this straight Hulu Plus. I pay you $ to watch shows & then you fill those shows with commercials. This sounds familiar.
"
143702,"[Request] Jokes or puns about a broken arm. Friend broke his arm and I'm trying to cheer him up, can be insulting if you want.
"
207024,"What do you call a small byte? A nibble.
"
107099,"""""Rate your high fives on a scale of 1-10"""" """"Oh, I would say they are a high five""""
"
25584,"Why were all the computers in the company frozen? Because they let IT go
"
170616,"What do you call someone who lurks for child pornography? A Predditer
"
192236,"If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
"
212776,"My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D... ... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.
"
6844,"Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon
"
203831,"Who was the best financier in the Bible? Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
"
134793,"Your mama's so fat... She broke the branch off the family tree
"
91686,"I once sent nude pictures to everyone in my contacts list. Not only was it embarrassing... It cost me a fortune in stamps.
"
138668,"Order of the Phoenix is my favourite Harry Potter book Dead serious.
"
158274,"What's Captain Hook's favourite kind of shop? The second hand shop.
"
53673,"Hitler wasn't a very athletic man. He never even finished a single race.
"
29941,"What's the definition of eternity? Four blondes waiting at a four way stop.
"
155853,"I once asked my friend from New Zealand to count how many girlfriends he's had Shortly after attempting to do so, he fell asleep.
"
16200,"The problem with political jokes... ...is that they always get elected.
"
63758,"What kind of ears do trains have? Engineers (engine ears).
"
138993,"I met this really hot Geologist today. She had quite a Gneiss ass.
"
40938,"Your honor, I second that motion Judge: Ma'am, I'm simply reading your husband's request to be cremated
"
226067,"Pizza is like sex I only get it from Papa John
"
9925,"Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
"
3953,"Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
"
160267,"Another Twilight movie? God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
"
26972,"If hillary wins, trump supporters can at least take solice in 1 fact. Bill clinton is going to be the first lady.
"
94235,"In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
"
54053,"I was reading a newspaper, and the headline said,""""America is without a leader!"""" I said,""""That's unpresidented!""""
"
98309,"What's a pirate's favorite video game? **Call of Booty.** Because there's mighty phat loot and booty ta be pillagin' and plunderin', matey.
"
55559,"What do eagles and moles have in common? They both fly, except for the mole...
"
161491,"I like your name Thanks I got it for my birthday
"
133636,"[house hunting] Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
"
54826,"If Hillary Clinton makes it onto money... ...then she would have had to be on top while her husband and her were having sex. Otherwise, it would make no sense for her to be on a bill.
"
139853,"The Special Olympics is like Nascar. You're not watching it for the race...
"
52292,"My girlfriend got her period today... ...and I guess, since I'm the adult in this relationship, I'm going to have to have """"the talk"""" with her. They grow up so fast...
"
97054,"Why did the zombie not eat your brain? Because he doesn't eat junk food.
"
150846,"I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I've had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
"
92480,"Grandma is it exciting being 99? It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.
"
61275,"What's everyone's problem with euthanasia? I like little asian kids
"
199030,"Because it's funny! What do you call a stripper you pay with noodles? A PASTATUTE!!!
"
116771,"Why does Santa Claus have such a large sack? He only comes once a year.
"
33821,"I'd never be on a reality show, but only because I wouldn't want my mom to see the faces I make when I'm talking to her on the phone.
"
201119,"My dentist bumped into my orthodontist. I'm sure it was acci*dental*.
"
110743,"People forget that Hitler also invented those subscription cards that fall out of magazines.
"
92644,"Whats the only thing more White Supremacists then hardcore Rednecks The Oscars
"
72762,"You know the difference between my birthday and a courtroom? My dad shows up at a courtroom.
"
141422,"Why couldn't Robin play cricket? Because he lost his bat, man.
"
98770,"You didn't like it. I was going to tell you a joke about my time machine
"
186368,"I wanna be the reason you're comfortable with your prostate examination
"
32043,"Who called it """"wearing a monocle"""" and not """"putting on a bit of a spectacle?""""
"
144218,"I just told a cow that he's being watched. I always like to make beef stew.
"
171526,"My friend Carlos got his car stolen. We just call him Los now.
"
17260,"TDIL: Why Arizona gets so hot. Because they don't observe daylight saving time the heat of the day is compressed into fewer hours.
"
175125,"I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for 25 I think it's too deer
"
175468,"How to Make A Cat Go Woof
"
206088,"Why was christopher never in the same place? Because he's always Walken
"
126427,"Half life 3
"
152716,"Got a Handjob from a Blind Girl last night... She said """"You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on"""" I said """"Nah, you're pulling my leg""""
"
177822,"A scientist Couldn't understand """"What is Marriage"""" So he married, after it Now he couldn't Understand what is science .
"
217868,"What has been confirmed when Ariana Grande spat on the donuts? She's a spitter, not a swallower.
"
146709,"A chemist discovered a revolutionary new compound of technetium, sulfur, helium, and bismuth. It got him tons of BiTcHeS.
"
45458,"I tried to cook something from scratch..and ended up summoning a demon.
"
195218,"What do you call pasta with alzheimers? forgetti
"
146066,"Turns out being a conspiracy theorist and having Asian friends don't go so well together. You can only shout """"OPEN YOUR EYES!"""" so many times before someone gets offended.
"
72070,"Who's the most badass flower salesman? Chuck Florist
"
19934,"A guy comes into a bar. No wait.. it was a horse. So, a guy comes into a horse...
"
116648,"Someone said my clothes were gay I said """"yeah they came out of the closet this morning""""
"
181152,"Why did Jesus Christ go to the doctor? His resurrection lasted more than four hours.
"
91890,"I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary... I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.
"
149150,"How does a mustache support his family in the event of his untimely death? By investing in a shavings account.
"
226367,"What's a pirates favorite letter? You'd think it's """"R"""" but it's actually the """"C"""".
"
28456,"I'm one step away from being rich All I need now is money
"
206782,"I had to fire my tennis doubles partner today. I told him his services were no longer required.
"
186124,"Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole? Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can't be that.
"
157787,"My drug dealer ... cracks me up.
"
108875,"A penis is like a box of chocolates Because girls can't get enough of them as long as they're dark and rich.
"
147520,"Well it's almost time for that """" New Year  New Me """" bullshit again!
"
135652,"What do you get if you push a gypsy off a bike? Your bike back
"
116645,"Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on """"Pitch Perfect"""" then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
"
185469,"If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?
"
135335,"What did the snowman do when he saw a snow blower go by? Pull down his pants.
"
98165,"How is an American teen girl different from an Arab teen girl. An American teen girl gets stoned *before* she has sex.
"
192201,"My girlfriend's ex won't leave her alone. I'd drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.
"
105100,"- You are more attractive when you don't wear glasses -You too, when I don't wear glasses
"
86965,"10 Dollar Compliment A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, """"What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?""""
"
51427,"What is that famous Raider saying? Next season!!! Hater nation!!!
"
4511,"We've replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump's speech with the names of IKEA furniture. Let's see if he notices
"
9628,"My girlfriend is like my bank account Only there for the money
"
124522,"The most scientific pet? The lab.
"
144840,"Pantibros before pantihose?
"
55854,"My friend is dealing with a really severe Viagra addiction. He's having a hard time with it.
"
174559,"Why did the bass player miss his second lesson? He had a gig that night.
"
223624,"My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
"
162940,"My Grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
"
73319,"My guy friend is pregnant! Inconceivable!
"
46725,"What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout ? Monkfish !
"
151986,"I once saw a theatrical performance about puns... It was a play on words.
"
36676,"I'm just me looking for fun
"
67562,"Yo momma is so fat... ...She was diagnosed with a flesh-eating virus and they gave her 15 years to live.
"
87643,"What did the Queen say when she lost her dog? """"Where the fuck is my corgi?!""""
"
94728,"If you have no regrets you're either a liar or an asshole.
"
218856,"What's the difference between a Zippo and a hippo? One's a little lighter.
"
126729,"A ship carrying red paint collided with another that was carrying purple paint Both crews were marooned
"
178220,"What's green and says """"hey I'm a frog""""? A talking frog! Stolen from """"Friends"""" still hilarious.
"
14522,"Joke of the week... /r/leagueoflegends Lmow
"
196710,"Never trust a mathematician with a graph. They're always plotting something.
"
215130,"I gave every penny I had to the homeless guy the other day! Now I just have 20 $100 bills in my purse!
"
103741,"Police officer: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I'm just as confused as you are.
"
17796,"i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy... """"who's blocking the exit?? WHO? who's blockin' the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!""""
"
4855,"Knock knock? Who's there? Come in. Come in who? Me.
"
65347,"Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
"
107209,"What do you call it when Professor X does a wheelie? Professor +
"
165708,"A tiger got his tail caught in a lawn mower... He looked at it and said, """"It won't be long now....""""
"
36372,"My idea of Hell would be Carrot Top and Shaun White taking turns sneezing in my face.
"
132917,"A man walks into a bar... The man is now in a serious coma since he was stupid enough not to wear a hardhat in a construction zone.
"
21011,"What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle ? A polo bear !
"
184545,"Why Make Your Bed? MOM: Make your bed! KID: Why make my bed if I'm gonna sleep in it again tonight? MOM: Why wipe your ass if your gonna poop again? KID: O_O
"
124955,"Judge: Did you commit murder? Me: I'm a man. I'm afraid of commitment. Judge: hahaha! Me: hahaha! Judge: Life.
"
156672,"a sad short wrench walks into a bar and asks for a beer the bartender asks why is he so sad. and the wrench replies """"can you leave me alone, i don't want to torque""""
"
4578,"Be careful when you ROFL! I once heard a joke in a scissor factory... It left me in stitches.
"
10789,"Q: Did you hear about the blonde who hijacked a submarine? A: She demanded $200000 and a parachute.
"
5659,"My friend is always looking for trouble... Which is good because he's a cop.
"
223029,"What's a kidnapper's favorite kind of shoes? White Vans
"
95427,"Got stoned and decided to buy a bottle of ex-lax Just for shits and giggles.
"
3155,"Did you hear about the guy who died after eating chicken? The meat was fowl.
"
130809,"Jesus loves everyone. Except manicurists. He always hated having his nails done.
"
197760,"What do they eat instead of """"pigs in a blanket"""" in McKinney, TX? Pork in a roll. (At least I'm trying)
"
22309,"2 lepers playing poker... 1 throws his hand in, the other laughs his head off.
"
33554,"Why does the leprechaun laughs when it runs? Because the grass tickles its balls
"
49809,"I called the suffocation hotline yesterday... I was instructed to hold.
"
5538,"Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.
"
22731,"I need to order faster internet then :D Lag makes you violent, not the games :D
"
105964,"My wife said I lack empathy I don't understand how she could feel that way.
"
207382,"What's the difference between an onion and a hooker? I don't cry when I cut up the hooker
"
219258,"What's the difference between a kindergarten class and an ISIS camp? I don't know man, I just fly the drone.
"
160786,"I've never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
"
50046,"North Korea reminds me of a redhead Because they both have no Seoul
"
87793,"Your cubicle must be full of ghost and owls Because all I hear over there is booo hooo
"
41834,"Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice. Take alligators for example.
"
158517,"How does a Priest find a little boy in the woods? Very exciting
"
87380,"A nice pick-up line I made up Hey are you from Brazil? Because I'm trying to score with you seven times.
"
65136,"Old people talk into cell phones like they hit the Caps Lock key on their voice.
"
226212,"When ever someone asks me how I'm able to insult people so well..... I say """"I'm German, roasting people is what I do...""""
"
47031,"Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he's called a stud... ...but when he nails a ton of studs, he's in construction?
"
64747,"There are 3 kinds of people in this world; those who can count, and those who can't.
"
210725,"Why stop with two L's Lloyd? why?
"
16397,"I like my Starbucks like I like my slaves Free
"
92232,"Did you hear what what Dr Dre is calling his new social media platform? Beats me.
"
3084,"Why can't you tell Walter White a knock knock joke? Because HE is the one who knocks.
"
87467,"What would be a more appropriate name for spiderman? Peter parkour.
"
92126,"A Pirate Walks into a Bar A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, """"Are you aware that there is a steering wheel in your pants?"""" """"ARRR IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS.""""
"
22648,"The Dirty Dancing lift, except I'm throwing her off a cliff.
"
93634,"On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
"
114326,"Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man
"
30501,"What did a kleptomaniac say on 90% sale? """"It was an absolute steal!""""
"
30298,"A man walks into an auto parts store and says """"I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo."""" The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while then says """"Yup seems like a fair trade to me.""""
"
211775,"Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side? ah wait, i can't remember the rest :/
"
188281,"What did God say when Eve swim in the ocean for the first? He said, """"Oh great, now we'll never get that smell off the fish"""".
"
84690,"TIFU by eating my brother's extra hot Subway sandwich! Whoops, wrong sub.
"
86750,"How do you split $6 between 5 mexicans? You cut *Juan* out.
"
56276,"Why did the corn maze go back to school? It was tired of working in a dead end field.
"
205938,"White Anglo-Saxon Protestant's (WASP's) Why did God create W.A.S.P's? Someone has to pay full retail...
"
30876,"I ran into a racist Jamaican on Halloween, I went into a gas station wearing an Obama mask, he said no mosques allowed.
"
207425,"Says the priest to the altar server: """"There's a good christian in you""""
"
101248,"Why does VALVE end with 2? Because they can't count to **3**
"
169330,"A guy walks into a bar... ouch
"
6292,"Why did the clown go to the doctor? Because he was feeling a little funny. He had testicular cancer.
"
33305,"I looked out the window earlier and the sky was bright green. I thought, 'I've got the fucking plane upside down.""""
"
204713,"I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like """"Carl dropped your pizza"""" & """"5 second rule"""" are a bit much.
"
161654,"Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy """"doesn't exist"""" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
"
181671,"What's the difference between a basketball player and a mexican? Nothing, they both run, jump, shoot and steal.
"
122313,"Mexico's president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump The wall's not even finished and it kept a Mexican out!
"
51142,"What does a pirate drink for breakfast? Arrrrange juice.
"
148456,"Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short
"
104269,"Helen Keller walks into a bar and a table. And some chairs.
"
27822,"If Jesus played soccer, what position would he play? Not on the wing, he doesn't do well with crosses.
"
77359,"Are you a Nice girl or Good girl?: NICE girls blush when they watch porn, GOOD girls smile cause they know they can do better.
"
27665,"They say 3 out of 4 people text and drive Not me; I watch YouTube videos.
"
112875,"Dear /r/jokes, I've said this before and I'll say it again... Gay jokes are NOT funny! Come on guys.
"
58990,"I ran into my dad earlier... Shitty driving must run in the family...
"
223045,"What's six inches and not getting sucked today Whitney Houston's crackpipe
"
31189,"What did Shakespeare say when Mr. Big proposed to him? """"Noth""""
"
128701,"My safe word is """"insufficient funds"""".
"
154642,"Anyone else able to tie rope using telekinesis? Thought knot.
"
87706,"Where's the feminist world headquarters? Bancock
"
155707,"Go to subway and order the Jared Fogle. 38 year old meat between 10 year old buns.
"
19908,"I can never decide whether to slam on my breaks or go through a yellow light, so I do an annoying combination.
"
36007,"Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because his class was so bright!
"
178387,"Yo momma's so fat, she uses the Large Hadron Collider as a hula hoop.
"
130050,"What's the most common blood type in Taiwan? Type A.
"
134596,"Business Idea: 1. Join dating site. 2. Arrange dates with 30 people at your house, all at the same time. 3. TIMESHARE PRESENTATION.
"
75275,"I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list. Turns out he's an odd job man.
"
105324,"How did the headless chicken cross the road? In a KFC bucket.
"
65451,"I may be a bit rusty, but if the world ever needs me to climb into a triangle and shoot asteroids, I'm ready.
"
79767,"What is worse than the earthquake in Italy? The Holocaust.
"
212623,"REALLY?! WHY?! - my reaction to meeting a white guy named Andre
"
114621,"What do you get when a dyslexic tries to make a gif? Peanut Butter.
"
19838,"Two programmers walk into a bar: a blond, a brunette and a red head.
"
152551,"A jewish girl asks her dad for 40 dollars her dad looks at her and says""""30 DOLLARS??!!?!, what do you need 20 dollars for? here's a ten, go split it with your brother""""
"
11309,"You said I could have my way with you. If you didn't want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should've been more specific.
"
182496,"Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
"
48030,"What do you get when you mix a lesbian and a platypus? A lickalottapus.
"
228602,"What's a mobster porn actress called? Sunny Corleone!
"
114871,"UPS guy just acted like he'd never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
"
17635,"A beggar once asked me, """"Any change?"""" I said, """"Nope. You're still broke.""""
"
26761,"Roses are red and sometimes they're thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
"
162675,"*sees guy having a heart attack* me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth! person: isn't that for diabetics? me: it's what I would want
"
147811,"[on 1st date] Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single? Me: Single? Who's single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
"
229467,"'Just 90's kids things' 40 years later Good cartoons and good eyesight
"
115224,"""""Billie Jean"""" is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
"
87222,"The frustration I feel untangling my earbuds before I use them never translates into me putting them away neatly when I'm done.
"
60997,"Them: Pleasure to meet you. Me: Give it time.
"
137901,"You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me.
"
224717,"What's the Difference Between An Onion and a Baby I cry when I cut onions.
"
831,"The other day, I was looking through my socks, when I found one had a hole in it... """"darn it..."""" I muttered.
"
12818,"Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks
"
191024,"It took me 6 months to finish a puzzle.. ..which I think is amazing considering the box said 2-4 years
"
28851,"What do you call five Mexicans drowning at the bottom of their pool? Cinco.
"
181104,"Five Star Hangover Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the vomit in my car, I'm pretty sure that I'm a ball of fun when I black out on Saturday night.
"
85862,"Have you been injured in a car accident? call 555-bottom-feeders. We will do anything for money.
"
219165,"Whats the Difference between Acne and A priest? Whats the Difference between acne and a priest? Acne wont come on your face unil youre 13.
"
145220,"What do you get when you're outside too long on a cold night? (OC) Arcdick
"
118234,"I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
"
155364,"The only thing I've ever made from scratch was dandruff.
"
225652,"How do you confuse a polish laborer? Lay down three shovels and tell him to take his pick.
"
218640,"What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you  don't understand.
"
33231,"Speed dating, but instead of talking, you just exchange phones for 3 minutes and try to glean as much information from them as you can.
"
45549,"What do you call 2 polar bears jerking each other off? Bi-polar
"
84083,"[OC] How does Gandhi measure passive resistance? In oooooohms.
"
97714,"Starting now, every hour, on the hour, walk up to a stranger and slip the tongue in. Because it's midnight somewhere. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
"
185061,"An evil baked potato hatched a devious scheme Fortunately, it was foiled.
"
212891,"Roses are red... Roses are red Violets are blue Most poems rhyme This one doesn't
"
110583,"Frownie wink wins for most confusing emoji ;(
"
185575,"GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
"
35082,"If I had a shot of whiskey for every time I thought of you, I'd be sober.
"
128838,"I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
"
213843,"Married life - Honey, are you jealous? - Nope! - Admit it, you're jealous! - I told you, I am not! - Then give me a kiss! - GO KISS THAT UGLY-ASS WHORE WHO LIKED YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS!
"
65378,"What's the difference between your PC and your Penis? Usually its small, used often and you dont let just ANYONE touch it.
"
169444,"Why do so many kids die in high school massacres? Because they aren't allowed to run in the corridors
"
170043,"What's brown and rhymes with snoop? DR.Dre
"
210653,"Everyone in horror movies: *loud scream* It was probably just the wind *a ghost flies across room* Just the wind *dog gets cut in half* Wind
"
123629,"Why do Jewish women love circumcisions? They'll get their hands on anything that's 10% off.
"
88189,"Shot through the heart and you're to blame. You give archers who shoot apples off of people's heads a bad name.
"
217948,"What's the difference between driving in fog and eating pussy? When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you
"
28627,"Why did the vacuum get a raise? Because it sucked at its job.
"
834,"How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick? cause their cars are always Stalin
"
32052,"I always cry after sex. God, I fcuking hate prison!!!!!!!
"
29429,"Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it? CW: That's my stapler Me: You didn't answer my question
"
107886,"How do you make a tissue dance? you put a little boogie in it
"
127824,"Guy walks into a Broadway costume house, tells the guy he wants one red, one blond, and 1 brunette merkin Clerk says - shall I wrap them up, sir? He says - no, I'll eat them here ...
"
26785,"What does Chris Brown tell his friends when he sees Rihanna at a party? I hit that.
"
132909,"TIFU by posting in the wrong sub Aw crap
"
6640,"I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that's super easy for me to remember: InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
"
79653,"What's angry most of the time and wants you to stick something hard in it? An outlet
"
2109,"All the jokes about iPhone 6S are just slightly improved jokes about iPhone 6.
"
161118,"i make a point never to repeat gossip... (pause) so listen the first time!
"
92030,"What medications do I take? I'm not sure. The names on my neighbor's prescription bottles are ridiculously long
"
45376,"What's loud and sounds like """"apples""""? *APPLES!!!*
"
165595,"What does Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim
"
165354,"Guys, I don't think we should drink so much yesterday.
"
144574,"Buying a new phone is basically being forced into a not so fun game of """"how long can I go without dropping it."""" Same thing with babies.
"
141823,"If u wake up on Christmas morning wit a weird taste in ur mouth.....remember Santa only cums once a year
"
179823,"Why do police officers keep water in the automobile trunk? Because they don't want the siren to die.
"
76479,"Maybe there is no baby I'm starting to suspect my wife's been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams Now I'm hungry.
"
129348,"Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts? It's not my fault I'm blind.
"
33704,"I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I talk to you.
"
158815,"There have been reports of very heavy shelling...... At the peanut factory.
"
76578,"They say the music you listen too is tied to your personality;I listen to Chris Brown. Two counts of assault and one hit and run.
"
66544,"Cats are great for testing because they have 9 lives.
"
28770,"Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they'd never get caught.
"
163928,"Why don't elephants smoke? They can't fit their butts in the ashtray
"
115607,"Wife: """"Hey sexy, the kids are asleep, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."""" Me: """"OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car...""""
"
112970,"What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can't make a vita-min. But you can make a hor-mone!
"
136087,"""""This is the police! Put your hands up where I can see 'em!"""" """"But I can't-"""" """"Now!"""" *t-rex panics*
"
211859,"One great perk about working at a funeral home... I always get to bring flowers home to my wife! (Yes, I actually work at a mortuary. No, I don't do this)
"
66573,"Why doesn't Barbie have kids? Cause Ken cums in another box...
"
155016,"What's the difference between a trump supporter and a newly adopted Siberian husky? The dog has the mental fortitude to realize he's just gotten owned by a Russian.
"
73559,"My wife just accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left!!
"
61892,"A quick joke that my friend thought up over dinner Why do sailors marry busty women? To forever see the seven C's
"
60424,"Where do banana slaves go to work? Plantaintions.
"
99686,"What's the best kind of cream... ...to get rid of spots and bug bites? Creamation.
"
210012,"[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
"
16516,"You've been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.
"
29998,"I punched Dwayne Johnson in the butt... I guess I hit rock bottom **ba-dum-tss**
"
104604,"Study says that 1 in 3 people suffers from short term memory
"
7434,"If i was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you.
"
105663,"I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.
"
34261,"Just saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
"
132280,"My dad shouted """"shut up idiots"""" to the cats. I told him """"You're speaking English to a cat. You're the idiot. You have to meow at them.""""
"
56318,"Who is Patrick Swayze's favorite author? Wodehouse!
"
40193,"I can tell my Girlfriends ass is getting bigger, She fits in my Wife's jeans.
"
25167,"[1st date] Her: I love quail Me: Omg me too! H: Love Cher M: Omg me too! H: Love men Me: Omg me too! H: Love Pepsi M: WTF is wrong with you?
"
151365,"What do you call it when you run out of seed? Endosperm.
"
104408,"You hear about the guy who was accused of jerking off with hand soap for his erectile disfunction? Well, he finally came clean.
"
2787,"Guys, I know Michael Jordan very well... .. He just doesn't know me.
"
60191,"""""Dad, I cant sleep."""" Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB. """"Dad Im seven-"""" Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
"
193511,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the little bitch's house.
"
34862,"So this blonde walks in to a computer store... ... and says to the employee; have you got any curtains? Employee says; um no sorry this is a computer store Blonde; duhh, I have windows.
"
141663,"I just bought something with money at a store. Now I'm taking it home. I guess it's true: you get what you pay for.
"
106377,"I tried making a chemistry joke today... ... But all the good element jokes Argon
"
28266,"What does a man with one leg wear to the beach? Flop.
"
77227,"I'll do algebra. I'll do trigonometry. I'll even do calculus! But graphing is simply where I draw the line.
"
92696,"Knock knock Who's there ? Siobhan Siobhan who? Siobhan your knickers, your dad's home.
"
135858,"A young burn victim gets new eyelids made from his foreskin! Doctors say he will be a little cockeyed.
"
221752,"If wishes were fishes... ...life would be pretty crappie
"
114216,"""""...so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive."""" """"Eat human corpses?"""" [flashback to eating quinoa] """"Y...yes.""""
"
173744,"I am woman, hear me ignore.
"
15604,"China has a new mid-range rocket called the 'Dong Feng'... ...there is another rocket under development called the 'Pon.'
"
225999,"They say you can find out what kind of person someone is by the porn they watch... ...turns out I'm a lesbian.
"
176778,"What do you get when you mix an owl with a rooster? A cock who stays up all night.
"
119349,"Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally,Not Wally... *from the Where's Wally Audiobook*
"
225082,"Whats easier than stealing candy from a baby? ... Stealing candy from a dead baby.
"
201139,"What's the difference between oral sex and...... Brussel Sprouts? If you're forced to have either as a kid you're going to hate it as an adult.
"
65834,"I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said """"Watch for Children."""" I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
"
227319,"What do you call an intelligent prostitute? A fucking genius!
"
3243,"End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
"
190861,"What's the difference between a BMW and a pair of Dockers? You can only fit one asshole in a pair of Dockers.
"
128886,"I wasn't good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I'm starting to look good eh?
"
86478,"The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
"
114918,"CW:where are you going? Me:trying to prevent an awkward conversation between two people CW:who? Me:me and you
"
8155,"What do you call a fly without wings? A walk. What do you call that same fly without legs? A raisin.
"
67443,"Why do hamburgers and hot dogs fuck their cousins? Because they're inbred!
"
223142,"Doctor doctor I feel so short! No problem. Hop up on the couch.
"
218304,"You know what's the problem with Mexican and black jokes? If you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamaal.
"
224207,"What do you call a pansexual guy named Nick who works at a cd store? Pan nick at the disc co.
"
221283,"I recently found out my blood type is A+ However, in my tests I only get B or less. Doesn't success run in my blood?
"
201672,"All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards. It was difficult to deal with.
"
201840,"My wife said her new addiction is goji berries but I'd prefer she get addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.
"
160366,"I'll never forget the first time Mum made some rock cakes. She passed then round and told me to take my pick. I didn't need a pick, I needed a hammer and chisel.
"
116524,"I have a """"Knock Knock"""" joke but you have to start it off.
"
214591,"I've been dating this really sweet homeless guy. I think it's getting serious. He's asked me to move out with him.
"
219827,"What did Tennessee? The same thing that Arkansas
"
163906,"What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman? The back of my hand.
"
166002,"My eyes always hurt whenever I have sex It's probably the pepper spray
"
42994,"How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve
"
22714,"If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you!
"
32202,"I think the most romantic thing a woman can do for a man on Valentine's Day is to have a vagina.
"
135758,"Lets go to the symphony Beethoven: You guys want some symphonies tonight!? Crowd: **cheers loudly** Beethoven: I can't hear you!
"
64261,"Why did the USA invade Panama? Just 'Cause
"
192296,"What Video Game do feminists LOVE to play? No MAN'S sky!
"
3037,"UK /r/jokesters, tell me the most British joke you can think of. The less my American brain can comprehend it, the better!
"
113577,"Idea: a Chinese restaurant called You Dim Sum You Lose Some.
"
121156,"Did you hear about the fish that walked into the chip shop?? He got battered!!
"
4060,"What does a gay man and a rhubarb have in common? It's not right to call them a fruit.
"
219233,"What do pizza boys and gynaecologists have in common? They can smell it, but they can't eat it! (Joke from sikipedia)
"
101550,"There is no way Siri could be a woman, she only speaks when she's spoken to.
"
219384,"What did the dog say after stepping off a sailboat? Wharf!
"
231170,"Why do clumsy farmers make awesome DJ's? cause they're always dropping beets
"
66039,"Did you know, the cave where Jesus was resurrected... contained a large quantity of hydrating body lotion? He was moist-jew-rising.
"
198657,"How do mesquite trees get taller? They stand on their mesqui-toes!
"
88338,"Probably too soon News is Robin Williams didn't commit suicide. Apparently, he was Ru-Fi-O'd.
"
142513,"6yo:You can't eat chips before dinner! Me:YOU can't. I'm a grown man. I do what I want. *Wife walks in*: What's that? Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
"
180058,"An Irishman Walks out of a bar.
"
217742,"What's an epileptic's least favorite pizza place? Little Seizures.
"
13860,"How many Biology undergrads does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but doing it will make them think they're going to be an electrician in the future.
"
61719,"You're so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.
"
110000,"Really threw me off This kid started throwing out words that started with TH. I got through this, there, and they but I didn't see that coming.
"
74882,"I'm with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don't find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can't believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
"
222957,"Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
"
72563,"Sorry I used your baby's bald head as a lipstick blotter.
"
21193,"What's Harry Potter's favorite way of getting down a hill? Walking JK, Rolling.
"
3748,"Why is Nixon a bad chef? Because he is not a cook.
"
82690,"Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
"
12121,"What did the mortician say to the corpse? We're gonna need more lube.
"
154298,"I can't decide which room not to clean first.
"
14939,"Engineering joke At work today I told an engineer I liked the cool shapes in his design. """"Oh, it's not intentional,"""" he responded. """"It's mostly in compression.""""
"
209117,"The fact touche and douche don't rhyme bothers me.
"
79932,"What's the difference between a cliche and a trope? BECAUSE FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY
"
228554,"What is the difference between a Lira and a Dollar? A Dollar
"
168270,"It makes me sad when people tell me they married their best friend, mostly because marriage between a woman and Vodka will never be legal.
"
217320,"On the topic of NSFW woman jokes... """"Want to go get some Pizza and Fuck?"""" """"No!"""" """"Oh you don't like pizza?""""
"
71017,"What's the one advantage if Hillary Clinton is elected President? We'll only have to pay her 77 on the dollar
"
110506,"hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*
"
40584,"What kind of medicine do Ants use when they have eye problems? Ant-Eye Biotics (Dad joke, I know)
"
139961,"My dad would always say this, I don't know if this classifies as a joke, but it's funny I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest Also: That smell could knock a buzzard off a shitpile
"
61284,"Why was the chess player pregnant? Because they were mated.
"
146626,"Met a woman with 12 boobs the other day Sounds weird dozen tit?
"
155396,"They say when a man meets the right woman, he is complete. When a man meets the wrong woman is finished. When the right woman meets the wrong woman with the man, he is completely finished.
"
229392,"Why are lesbians statistically more poor than the average person? Because they eat out every night.
"
125125,"what did the drummer say to the Chinese man that called him gay? first i bang the drums then i bang ur mom
"
29734,"What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A drowning epileptic.
"
8525,"Worry: a waste of imagination.
"
164347,"When Vanna White dies... Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?
"
55586,"What's the difference between your dick and your money? I can find a lot of girls that'll blow your money.
"
146856,"[at seance] Me: If you truly are a ghost why don't you move this object Ghost: If you truly are a human why don't you get your shit together
"
110336,"Cookies from Best to Worst: 1. Chocolate chip 2. Girl Scout 3. Oreos ... ... 727. Browser 728. Tossed 729. Raisin
"
2831,"A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. When confronted by his boss the man explained: """"You can't park anywhere near this place!""""
"
58810,"[end of long conversation] HER: let me give you my number ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name? HER: ME: HER: k-i-m ME:
"
62948,"Why did Dr.Pepper blush? He received a Sunkist from his Crush
"
224095,"Why DOES """"February"""" have that extra R? It should just be """"Februay.""""
"
73558,"A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker.
"
177204,"Egypt. Palin. Walmart. Facebook. KE$HA. Bieber. Typos. Snow. Zombies. Superpowers. FFs. Your mom. Boom, I just won Twitter.
"
151526,"I was walking down the road.. I was walking down the road and saw a beautiful woman, A spark flew off between us. We had passionate, amazing sex. Amazing what tasers can do these days.
"
16636,"Its possible to live on a diet of only potatoes But, as the Irish found out, it wasn't possible to live on a diet without them.
"
186814,"A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them. He names the weapon """"Ambu-lance""""
"
88784,"Doctor: How did you get all those bruises? Me: Rough sex Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop Me: Talk to your nurse about that
"
101049,"How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.
"
144162,"I like my coffee like I like my women... Hot, mocha, and overpriced. Prostitutes. I like prostitutes.
"
34469,"I bet OJ Simpson's friends were really confused when his answer to F/Marry/Kill was """"Yes.""""
"
219550,"[using ouija board] Why isn't he responding to us? I'm annoyed H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
"
56050,"I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. """"How's it going?"""", """"How about the weather?"""", """"Where are your pants?"""".
"
129041,"I'm surprised that the UK left the EU by voting. Most of the time they leave on penalty kicks.
"
229874,"People want to know if the Vice President will be running in 2016 He might, but for now he's just Biden his time.
"
43537,"How do you get a Catholic nun pregnant? Dress her as a choirboy
"
114737,"What do you call a sentinel with three hands? A watchman.
"
147147,"My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.
"
1549,"My brother's so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he'd kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
"
26664,"If i could have any super power, i'd pick the ability to lure kids into my truck without giving them candy i spent my hard earned money on.
"
101694,"IRISH EATS ITALIAN Q: What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food? A: Gaelic breath.
"
171584,"Why are smaller breasts better for breastfeeding? They're more of a kids meal.
"
54019,"I have just seen a load of dyslexic africans. They were laying flowers at nissan maindealers.
"
165671,"How do you get four gay guys on a bar stool? Flip it over
"
47500,"What is the best way to follow a lost dog's paw prints? With a track-tor!
"
44864,"A boy went into the local department  store where he saw a sign on the escalator - 'Dogs must be carried on this escalator.' The boy then spent the next tow hours looking for a dog.
"
222698,"In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a very generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
"
195599,"Did a T Rex have two copies of each chromosome? I reckon it was a diploidocus
"
3420,"funny how people who earn philosophy degrees probably at some point ask themselves """"why did i do this""""
"
112789,"What do you call one of Santa's helpers? A subordinate clause
"
27808,"When droid BB-8, was asked whether it should be referred to as """"he"""" or """"she""""... BB-8 replied, """"I roll both ways."""" http://i.imgur.com/umSzUjp.gifv
"
32414,"My dad and I never got along We have been butting heads since the womb
"
201808,"Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they're willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives...
"
110240,"TIFU by asking a chinese girl's number... I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, """"Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"""" I said, """"Wow!"""" Then her friend said, """"She means 6663629.""""
"
116137,"*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!
"
1444,"What did the cholo say when two houses fell on top of him? Get off me homes!
"
44046,"A man posts a Joke on reddit It is not a repost.
"
183484,"Two jews walk into a bar and buy it.
"
123947,"You win some, you booze some!
"
121853,"I bet Rihanna will be on the cover of Chris Brown's greatest HITS CD.
"
224606,"A black man walks into a music store... ...and asks an employee if they have anything by 'The Doors'. To which the employee responds """"yeah, two security cameras, so get lost""""
"
84892,"Have you heard the one about the roof? never mind, just forget about it, it's probably over your head.
"
44442,"Wife asks his husband how many women he had slept with... Husband proudly replies, """"Only you darling!"""" """"With the others I was awake...""""
"
82209,"Why was the rooster angry? He just found his chicken strips. (Courtesy of my creative bartender pal)
"
15283,"Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
"
93076,"Packing Do gays really have a lot of s**t to pack before moving?
"
150018,"How do gay man cry? They don't, that would be counterintuitive.
"
103801,"One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
"
102461,"Bathroom Boy: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz Teacher: Where's the p? Boy: """"Half way down my leg.
"
107943,"How many Environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't matter, they will never change a thing.
"
10438,"What do you do, if you're jerking off when you're meant to do something else but you're putting it off? Procrasturbation.
"
29600,"If you talk a lot about """"networking"""" you're the kind of person that nobody wants to network with.
"
155101,"What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker? Putin on the Ritz.
"
200433,"Don't you hate it when people ask for upvotes? Upvote if you agree.
"
116709,"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He got a pencil and worked it out.
"
167156,"Dear Cool People, they didn't name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
"
92979,"Starting a conversation Do you know how heavy a polar bear is? Enough to break the ice. *winks*
"
80334,"Roses are Dead, Violets are Dead I am a bad gardener
"
91102,"Waiter I'd like a cup of coffee please with no cream. I'm sorry sir but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?
"
130473,"Love may be blind, but It doesn't have to be stupid.
"
62621,"Did you hear that Microsoft is giving away Office to parents? Word to your mother.
"
73168,"We should be more thankful for our wounded veterans Our freedom cost them an arm and a leg
"
50106,"My Grandfathers dying words to me were, """"Are you still holding the ladder?"""".
"
205902,"My illiterecy got me fired from the box moving company. I was so confused, I didn't know which way was up.
"
31977,"Knock Knock Who's there? Doctor Doctor who? Yes
"
62731,"How to be funny [OC] How to be funny: 1) Why 2) Was 3) Six 4) Afraid 5) Of 6) Seven 7) 8) 9)
"
17512,"What do you call 256 Shades of Grey? Grayscale
"
169102,"Question: What's the difference between sin and  shame? Answer: It is a sin to put it in but it's a shame to pull it out.
"
122696,"Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station... The other's a busty crustacean!
"
76089,"What is the dogs favourite city ? New Yorkie !
"
185928,"They say Napoleon got the shakes whenever he put on his uniform... Modern scholars believe he may have had epaulettesy.
"
223408,"I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia. Which is the one about being in a closet?
"
198825,"Two fish in a tank... ...one turns to the other and says, """"how do you drive this thing?""""
"
115271,"Did this dude really just say, """"Why don't you make like a tree and leaf"""" to me? Fuck you. Why don't you make like a toilet and eat shit?
"
194244,"My Chinese neighbour told me he'd just opened a """"Crows shop"""". I said, """"Don't you mean a clothes shop?"""" He said, """"A Crows shop!"""" I said, """"OK, I might pop down for a Rook.""""
"
92154,"Mayweather goes 48-0 49-0 if you count his wife
"
113208,"Why did the mexican take xanax? For hispanic attacks
"
214653,"How many lawyers does it take to grease a  combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!
"
114597,"What do you call a Penis inside a Potato? A dictator
"
12147,"I plan on starting a geek rap band... I think I'll call it Run-D.L.L.
"
46676,"*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
"
172370,"i don't know why people think women are weak... well hell pots and pans are heavy
"
51155,"How do you play a big game of Hungry Hippos? Go to a weight watchers meeting and roll Maltesers down the middle of their meeting circle.
"
71593,"What's brown and sticky. A stick.
"
57531,"*waiter lays down my plate* """"Can I get u anything else?"""" U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC- *he rotates my plate* oh ok
"
103677,"Why don't Mexican's cross the border in three's? Because it says no *tres*passing
"
94671,"Why did the dog die? It had Barkinsons
"
177709,"Does a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
"
122439,"What do you call a bunch of crows that go to church? A mass murder
"
163392,"What is 1 + 1? 3 if you don't use protection.
"
80673,"Why did Josh Gordon marry Mary Jane? So he'd only get a 2 game suspension for abusing her.
"
81947,"What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.
"
209805,"Which company makes the best apple cider? Dicken's. Because everyone wants their Dicken's Cider.
"
209581,"What do call a Nazi that takes bribes? Paid-off Hitler!
"
190888,"So my friend told me the other day that he was gunna start studying abroad... ...but no matter how many times I asked, he wouldn't tell me her name!
"
153631,"Did you know if you beat up a monk then he's no longer vegetarian? He becomes a *sore-sage*.
"
159066,"Why did the Soviet union fail? Too much Stalin'. Yeah it's bad but it made me giggle when I thought of it... :P
"
98063,"A study shows 95% of black men enjoy sex in the shower the other 5% haven't been to prison
"
213156,"[2006] *creates anonymous username online and never reveals personal information* [2016] *tweets Taco Bell my credit card number & address*
"
231426,"Amish girl Do you know why the amish girl was excommunicated? Two mennonite
"
154454,"How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They can't change anything.
"
186531,"Gay men tend to be very tongue-in-cheek.
"
191169,"What am I gonna do with a river? Could you cry me a beer?
"
101837,"Saved a little girl from getting raped this weekend I raped a little boy instead
"
134146,"An unhinged neurosurgeon, a tech CEO, and a Southern Baptist preacher walk into a bar... they all ask for your vote
"
45102,"My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you're wondering why your screen just went blank.
"
136690,"I just want a woman that will look out for me while I'm shaking the vending machine
"
42552,"People tell me I'm confusing... I tell them I stopped making sense when I lost my job at the mint.
"
229006,"My x-girlfriend had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh It was amazing! If you put your ear to it you could smell the ocean!!!
"
131881,"I tried to make a clock with no battery for the digital clock competition but it didn't count.
"
25777,"A communist tells his friend before going to bed, """"I'm going to take a nap."""" He wakes up as a libertarian.
"
111152,"Sir, your frog is illegally parked, move it imediately or it will be toad.
"
194100,"Somebody called me pretentious today... I almost choked on my chai latte.
"
10061,"The Puzzle - I beat a record. - Oh , what? - I managed to do a puzzle in 15 days on which he had written """" from 3 to 5 years.""""
"
8063,"If you say """"people either love me or hate me"""" it's a pretty safe bet that most of them hate you.
"
226700,"Dentist Lion
"
203633,"What do you call a chicken with lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar salad.
"
100496,"A child was recently forced to write on the chalk board until he died He was sentenced to death
"
9692,"a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says 'responsibilities' on it. for symbolism
"
64973,"Why do we call dogs, K-9? ...because K-10 is for cats.
"
102745,"[Romeo and Juliet as turtles] ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath JULIET: I'm just stuck on my back R: we're turtles, Juliet
"
86791,"*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
"
194608,"Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby? Mr. Bigger's baby, because he's just a little Bigger.
"
146044,"Going to work. I got to work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk. I didn't know what to make of it.
"
97721,"Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature's most elusive and successful serial killers.
"
230961,"What do a horny guy and a bad driver have in common? They are both bad at pulling out.
"
204792,"How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. That's the oldest pun in The Book.
"
182352,"Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich ? Because the poor didn't have any !
"
13308,"My Shake Weight came in the mail today! Boy, was that a mess.
"
228704,"I self medicate, therefore you live.
"
18575,"What did the city say to its father before it left for Mexico? Ciudad
"
122358,"Abortion jokes are a lot like the procedure itself. If you half-ass it then it will come out mangled.
"
147329,"What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell. She's got a grenade in her mouth.
"
61593,"Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.
"
135283,"What do you call a menstruating caucasian with depression? Red, white and blue
"
12476,"""""Put your hands in the air like you just don't care"""" is offensive to those of us in the apathy community. But whatever.
"
3127,"Q. What is good for your soul but not your soles? A. Linedancing!
"
185954,"*puts ranch dressing on chicken* aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
"
133637,"Growing up, whenever I told my father, 'It's really nice out!'... He'd reply, 'Yeah, I had it out a minute ago, I thought it was great, too!' And so went my childhood...
"
81362,"Cop: Know why I stopped you? """"You heard the song I was playing?"""" Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM """"ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE""""
"
169816,"You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.
"
78445,"Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop* Mgr: What'd she want? Me: nothing. Mgr: Where're all the donuts?
"
220370,"What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip
"
211149,"I'd like to join the Navajo tribe... I hear they've got great fringe benefits.
"
211971,"Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house? They have to use their Endor voices.
"
146477,"My masseur thinks he's naturally better than any masseuse. He's such a massagynist.
"
35778,"What does Justin Timberlake say when he's going to the bathroom? """"It's Gonna Be Pee""""
"
12024,"I refuse to text and drive... I always end up spilling my beer.
"
188676,"What is the worst that can happen to an atheist caricaturist ? To die as a martyr.
"
200847,"Why did Moses only go down on redheaded girls? He's into that burning bush.
"
146553,"How is making cheese like invading Syria? You get some Kurds in the way.
"
143446,"His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
"
121571,"What has six eyes, four wings and eight legs? Two chickens and a goat.
"
196990,"When I draw a fish I always.... ... Draw it to scale
"
103469,"What is a cat's favorite tropical destination? Meowi
"
87723,"I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris... But it turns out that idea was already taken
"
122585,"What did the pirate say when asked how old he was? Aye Matey!
"
17981,"What is it called when an Ethiopian takes a shit? Bragging
"
36288,"Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.
"
158165,"According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated from an """"Institute of Fine Farts"""" because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
"
139080,"Did you blow Bubbles when you were a kid? well he is back in town, wants you to hook up.
"
64382,"Why did the turtle cross the road? ...to get to the Shell station.
"
190065,"I bet when scientists throw office parties, there's always the one guy who gets drunk and carbon dates his own butt.
"
215315,"Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.
"
127851,"The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
"
203640,"Sure, I'll cook dinner. How milky do you like your Captain Crunch?
"
93651,"What's the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes? My pizza jokes *can't be topped!*
"
4405,"YOLO You Only Love Owls.
"
161786,"Twins Yesterday, I was hanging out with my girlfriend when her identical twin sister walked by. Then my girlfriend asked me, """"Do you think my sister is pretty?""""
"
197207,"Wife: Do the dishes Me: Can't. Holding the baby Wife: Take out the trash Me: Can't. Baby Wife: Change the baby Me: Can't. Doing dishes.
"
201460,"Please pray for my friends' 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn't photographed or documented on Facebook today.
"
120014,"I was asked by a feminist how I viewed lesbian relationships.. """"In HD"""" was NOT the right answer...
"
73624,"Employee requested for a leave and got FIRED!! """"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."""" ~ James
"
203611,"A recent study found out that 9 out of every 11 jobs are done inside
"
113014,"did you hear about the guy with five penises? his pants fit like a glove
"
204034,"What did the cat say when the delivery man was leaving? Purolator.
"
75334,"The John Birch Society wants American schools to ban protractors. Because a protractor marks angles.
"
17065,"What do a hockey player and a hippie chick have in common? They both shower after 3 periods.
"
60207,"i'm not """"cute"""" awkward. i'm """"what the hell is wrong with you"""" awkward.
"
58383,"Ordering at Chipotle: """"With white rice."""" """"Brown?"""" """"No, white. And chicken."""" """"Steak?"""" """"No, chicken. And medium salsa."""" """"Mild?"""" """"No, medium.""""
"
83384,"What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesaurus
"
73673,"My mom told me this joke the first time she met my gf. What are three 2 letter words meaning small? Is it in?
"
105286,"I'm pretty sure that while girls are under anesthesia getting breast implants the doctors secretly do brain explants.
"
88929,"How do you know you're in a redneck family? When your sister's pussy tastes like your dad's dick.
"
20249,"Her: Are you even listening to me or are you just tweeting? Me: Yes sweetie, I hate her too.
"
152861,"You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.
"
11789,"Why is Hillary Clinton running for President? Because it's easier than running from Law Enforcement
"
191048,"All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall Lean in And whisper 'I'll do your housework'
"
222406,"I just painted my toenails whore red, then immediately confined them to tight heels so they know what shameful little sluts they are.
"
18715,"Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way. Trying to get into smaller pants.
"
216666,"Does anyone ever get to their deathbed and think """"I may have some regrets, but I'm really glad I joined Mafia Wars""""?
"
38391,"I think we could significantly cut down the number of different pasta shapes and still be okay.
"
199161,"PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
"
217923,"What do you call a homosexual on fire that jumps into water? A flameboyant homosexual
"
37142,"Not silicone A woman got wooden breast implants. This would be so much funnier with a punchline, wooden tit?
"
70871,"ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone sack time!!
"
223504,"wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
"
103918,"I'm gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family. Bacon Bad
"
143809,"What type of road race do Donald Trump supporters run? 3 K's
"
94121,"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Aaahh ahhh cough cough
"
51387,"Did you hear about the first time offender who was in to BDSM? He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist.
"
5444,"Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive? I just did and I won't be allowed on this airline again
"
132477,"What do gay horses eat? dick.
"
37944,"Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here! A: Two one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
"
35600,"TEENS: You might find yourself """"embarrassed"""" by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
"
184054,"I wanted to become a dictator... but I was only partially qualified.
"
104427,"The Internet is the world's greatest source of things you don't really need.
"
178143,"My partner is a dog person, I'm not. Gets really fucking inconvenient every full moon.
"
93667,"[Marvel Avengers Age of Ultron Spoilers] If Captain Americas shield is made of Vibranium what is Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver
"
221252,"WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
"
7040,"What's the difference between parsley.... and pussy? Nobody eats parsley anymore.
"
229838,"What's better than honor? Inner
"
11943,"Why is the Canadian Mint so confusing? Because they don't make any cents.
"
25636,"I once met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds weird.... ...Dozen tit?
"
211664,"Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way.
"
109777,"I stole my friend's kidneys one night he'd be pissed, but he can't
"
46154,"A Lawyer walks into a bar He tries his hardest, and passes the exam.
"
108433,"How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 8, 9, 11, 12
"
216163,"I hate when my in-laws come. It's such a bitch to clean.
"
217039,"Now a Days never ask a ... Never ask: ... A Woman Her Age.! . &gt; &gt; . A Man his Salary.!!! . . . ANd Now a days.... A students , His Percentage... . Its hurts source: http://www.newgags.com
"
72553,"I wish there were more dry sex acts like dry-humping. I think I'd really enjoy dry 69.
"
134620,"What is Kanye West's favorite kind of omelette? Omelette you finish
"
23665,"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn't pay 100 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
"
30923,"I heard Baja Fresh has a new burrito called the Ravens. It has everything on it but Rice.
"
144790,"Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes.
"
59708,"How did they know Christa McAuliffe had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders on the beach
"
111930,"In Dog Beers, I've only had one.
"
129973,"Why did the chicken cross the road? It got sick of hearing the vegan talk about how he saved a chicken.
"
1638,"Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan? Cashier: No, it's not an actual bu... Me: *loads nutrigun* Cashier: What the heck?
"
213048,"My girlfriend told me her period was late So I said it's probably stuck in traffic.
"
64547,"funniest joke i've ever heard. womens's rights.
"
42824,"They weren't pleased that I played I heavy metal song in the church but I resolved it on Gsus
"
60677,"Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing...we are about to make fun of people on FB...
"
140773,"How do you put a condom on a elephant? You take the c out of ice and the f out of weigh.
"
74688,"My Tylenol bottle says """"DO NOT TAKE IF SEAL NOT PRESENT."""" Does anyone know how to contact him?
"
81520,"A Batman Joke for Indians - What do you call Batman without a soul? Bn. (B """"atma"""" n)
"
22204,"PERV IN THE LINGERIE STORE Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret? A: The panties were half off.
"
22565,"GOP Debate Donald Trump has a big dick. Donald Trump implied that Marco Rubio had a tiny penis Ted Cruz ate a booger THE ARISTOCRATS!!!
"
23500,"Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos
"
15151,"No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I'd go on a road trip with my mom.
"
160257,"I went to a zoo, but all they had was one sad-looking dog. It was a shih tzu.
"
137801,"I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
"
141696,"""""I'm half black and I'm trying to decide who I want to have kids with. Do I want them to have every advantage in life, or be able to dance?""""
"
43020,"I'm working on a fitness routine for insects. It's going well, but I'm still trying to work out the bugs.
"
91836,"In marijuana's defense, I'm lazy as shit completely sober too.
"
208316,"Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
"
176012,"Which Dinosaurs love electricity? Bulbasaurs
"
161932,"Heard The Wall Street Journal just dropped Facebook stock results to the Comics Section
"
1846,"Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other.
"
103409,"You know why people insisted on calling the Higgs Boson for """"the God particle""""? Because since the Higgs Boson gives mass to tiny particles, they imagined that it had to be a tiny priest.
"
44565,"[in car with wife] """"did you take $20 from my purse?"""" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
"
211828,"Poor Will... Everyone's always firing at him. A joke my grandad would use on occasion.
"
44518,"Why do men want to marry a virgin? To avoid criticism and comparison.
"
129472,"Masturbating is wrong in some people's eyes... Also, it burns.
"
126200,"A drunk man walks up to an Englishman pissing on a tree... And says, """"Yurr ahh.... European!""""
"
73282,"Alcohol is a perfect solvent. It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
"
11430,"I've been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
"
9885,"Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
"
51216,"How do you make apple jelly? google maps.
"
207723,"[At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*
"
218726,"I heard reports of a white haired man in a strange outfit going around emptying his sack in children's bedrooms across the country. Which is crazy because I heard Jimmy Saville was dead.
"
48837,"TIL of a Native American doctor who has successfully treated cancer for hundreds of individuals. They call him Chemo Savvy.
"
149056,"A pirate walls into a bar And he has a ships wheel attached to his belt buckle. The bartender says """"what's with the ships wheel on your belt buckle?"""" The pirate responds """"Aaarr! It's drivin me nuts!""""
"
186185,"Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
"
110622,"*looks gift horse in the mouth Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
"
60763,". No Shoes No Shirt No Problem Welcome To Walmart.
"
36233,"Why was the Mercedes Benz on sales? Because they've removed 6 rows of yellow LED strips...
"
76868,"A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest... are sitting on a park bench when a kid walks by. The Catholic Priest says, """"We should screw him!"""" and the Rabbi says, """"Out of what?""""
"
75525,"If there's one thing I like better than paying bills, it's anything else.
"
7520,"Pickle bread How do you make pickle bread? You use dill dough.
"
106281,"There is no law that says you can't smoke celery inside public places. What are they gonna do? Ask you to extinguish your celery? Doubtful.
"
108247,"Do white boys with dreadlocks know about Garnier Fructis?
"
97276,"Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her mind
"
87061,"I asked my friend why i have a thing for short Asian girls. he said """"its because you want them to call you Godzilla in bed""""
"
105853,"Rape Jokes General I was raping a woman the other night and she said """"Please, think of my children!"""" Kinky bitch.
"
194075,"Who is the director of the first wireless movie? Christopher No-LAN
"
93376,"What's better than getting second place at the special Olympics? Not being retarded
"
223600,"[in hospital] -dude what happened? """"I got hit by a bu- [a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion] -I mean I fell down the stairs""""
"
116347,"Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"""" Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
"
64177,"""""All the single ladies... All the single ladies... All the single ladies..."""" - list of girls who wouldn't talk to me in high school
"
18133,"When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the Doctor where I should put my pants.. """"Over there, beside mine"""" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
"
221526,"What does an unborn fetus and a tube of toothpaste have in common? Neither of them can be used as functional tables.
"
174458,"Why do 95% of black males like sex in the shower? The other 5% aren't in jail.
"
45517,"Addicted to pills? Don't worry. They have a pill for that.
"
173075,"Christmas song Single bells, Single bells. Single all the way. My crush said let's be friends. Friendzone all the way !!
"
32499,"I bought a new black router today... I think I'm gonna name it Martin Router King
"
220576,"""""I'm your biggest fan."""" -- That humongous talking fan you bought from that magician
"
67921,"Tech guy says: """"When in doubt reboot. """" Okay, I've rebooted but i still don't see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.
"
199998,"Where do Sikhs buy clothes? Turban Outfitters
"
165821,"I bought an iBoat and it's syncing!
"
169085,"Have you ever seen one of those billboards that just says """"AVAILABLE"""" and a phone number? That's your mom's number.
"
36558,"Gay people make me sick I should really stop deepthroating them so hard...
"
52186,"Why can't a lesbian diet and wear make up at the same time? Because..........It is hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.
"
32188,"Wanna hear a short joke? Joke. Ok, But do you wanna hear a longer joke? Joooooooooooooooooooooooooke
"
139139,"I think I might be a genius! My nephew has a 12 piece jigsaw puzzle that says 3-5 years on the box and I managed to complete it in just 7 hours!
"
122069,"DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can't see you right now ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
"
174848,"You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
"
208992,"Why did the chicken cross the road? because North Korean missiles cant go that far
"
182116,"want to know why i didnt have sex last night? The roofie didn't work.
"
172581,"What's the best thing about have sex with a lady boy You can reach round and pretend its went all the way through
"
178317,"[One to tell militant women]: how many women on their period does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [Meekly] ^just ^one...
"
46815,"Why do you hate a nosey pepper? Cuz he's jalapeno .business
"
63662,"What do you call it when you keep wiping but brown still shows? The Trail of Smears
"
131408,"I met this cute Inuit girl but I didn't know what to say, so I just said something funny. It was an icebreaker joke.
"
12360,"Why did the condom hit the wall? It was pissed off.
"
32014,"What do you call a planned organised rebellion gone wrong? A """"coup d'isaster"""".
"
45349,"During the security announcement on the plane, they asked us to """"place all loose objects in the overhead compartment"""" So I picked up my friend and put her in the overhead compartment.
"
154942,"Why was most of Jesus' walk downtown very awkward? Because his friend asked him when he thought they should cross.
"
18286,"What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away
"
114241,"A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression... It's called Trycoxagain
"
176360,"How do you start a joke about Vladimir Putin? By looking over your shoulder.
"
212528,"This jokes so dark, it's not welcome in South Carolina He:Babe Come Over She:i'm Playing Arkham Knight He: My Parents arent's home She:neither Are Batmans
"
21961,"isnt it cool how we all accepted that we all know the names of streaming porn sites and didnt ask each other how we knew of them
"
84189,"Smart Friend My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
"
171072,"You can't say America isn't inclusive and progressive The Current president is a black man and latest election was between a female and a mentally handicapped person.
"
26274,"Why didn't the monster use toothpaste?  Because he said his teeth weren't loose.
"
134867,"I had sex with my girlfriend while camping once... It was really fucking in tents!
"
4043,"Hey you know how people say they hate math because it doesn't make sense? I think that is unfair because math loves them. The problem is that math shows its love by playing hard to get.
"
3687,"Did you hear about the opera singing monk? He took a vow of Pavarotti.
"
41361,"My wife is leaving me I was having sex with her twin when she came in. I tried telling her I was doing it because thought it was her. She didn't buy it. It didn't help that his dick was in my ass.
"
83853,"So Godzilla walks into a bar... The entire building is destroyed. 23 people are missing and presumed dead.
"
200948,"What did the white guy see when he looked at his family tree? A straight line.
"
98742,"""""I'm still a virgin"""" -theres plenty of fish in the sea """"Ur right. I'll find someone"""" -no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
"
133059,"I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets to within 4 inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
"
98010,"I like my women how I like my cars... Stuck in my garage once I'm done with them.
"
159128,"If it looks like a fish and smells like a fish... Shes's probably too old for you.
"
10826,"Life without women would be... a pain in the butt!
"
110138,"A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, """"First offender?"""" She replied: """"No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender.""""
"
64908,"What is Bear Grylls' favourite vegetable? Leek.
"
67781,"Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them. *selfies*
"
127444,"A pakistani food company is launching a new product... Its called, Allahu Snackbar
"
176998,"It's too human to go outside.
"
76719,"What's green, slimey and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
"
40696,"*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
"
6485,"why do they throw shit at a pakistani wedding? keeps the flies away from the bride
"
107435,"An interesting fact about owls. Their heads can rotate up to 360 degrees before it comes off in your hand.
"
92880,"What did the vet say to the dog he just castrated? No hard feelings.
"
205461,"I was watching a movie with my son earlier. Gripping my hand he said: """"Dad I'm scared, is that woman going to die?"""". """"Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes"""".
"
201398,"What came first, internet porn or """"clear all search history""""?
"
134954,"What do you call a sheep without legs? A cloud.
"
51592,"Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I've ever seen Brain: Coming right up Me: Remember to pay that bill Brain: Nope
"
229982,"Why did the raisin go out with a prune? He couldn't get a date!
"
187838,"How many cans of soda can a soda can can if a soda can can can cans? No one can ever know P.S. are these type of tongue twister jokes allowed here? If not i will happily remove it.
"
190995,"Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
"
217802,"What losses its head in the morning and gets it back in the evening? A pillow
"
57678,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Arthur ! Arthur who ! Arthene you in the butchers haven't I ?
"
153454,"What's Donald Trumps favourite album? The Wall.
"
182057,"What do you call an Asian who is always on time? Thai Mingh Ha. Ha. Ha.
"
66350,"What do you call a hippy's wife? Mississippi.
"
164599,"My Wife does this cute thing where she says that """"actions speak louder than words"""" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
"
112424,"President Obama announces his intention to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court """"I can't wait until I'm in a position to have a real impact on the country!"""" said an excited Obama.
"
213315,"[interview] """"Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?"""" """"Yeah, sorry, that's a typo""""
"
170209,"Canada plans on removing the polar bear from the Tonnie. And replace it with two gay deer, it's called two fucking bucks.
"
101078,"Stop making fun of fat people. They have enough on their plates!
"
175926,"Chivalry I want to name my child Chivalry. Because I am not good and taking care of children. So no one will be suprised when I say Chivalry is dead.
"
46582,"Part of me says, """"I can't keep drinking like this."""" While another says """"Don't listen to her, she's drunk.""""
"
179104,"A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street... when they see a little boy walking towards them. The priest says, """"Hey, let's go fuck that little boy over there!"""" The rabbi says, """"Out of what?""""
"
139617,"Why should you never date someone with a lazy-eye...? Because you never know if they're seeing someone on the side.
"
14776,"I thought my witty comeback was completely original.... Turns out it was a riposte.
"
44804,"I've been seeing a lot of these lately, so here is mine. I like my steak like I like my women. White and domineering.
"
28593,"John Cena wakes up in a hospital Cena:""""Where am I?"""" Nurse:""""ICU"""" Cena:""""No you don't """"
"
191640,"What do you call it when you dip poultry and beef in chocolate?  Brown-chichen-Brown-cow
"
4792,"Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas? Me: drugs. Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.
"
137211,"Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.
"
27376,"When preparing blood sausage, never cook it in the same pan as crip sausage.
"
213433,"How do you tell which potato on the street corner is the prostitute? It has a sticker on it that says """"Idaho.""""
"
55433,"What's the difference between the charismatics and the nacists? 45
"
96326,"There's a new morning after pill for men... ...you take it the morning after you have sex and it changes your blood type.
"
213129,"My girlfriend is not allowed to go on vacation. If she wants to travel she better pick up a basketball and start walking around the house!
"
86248,"How do you make five pounds of fat fun? Add a nipple.
"
71045,"Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
"
196749,"Only sometimes do I use semicolons in my writing; I don't want to sound like a *complete* asshole. edit: grammar. Thanks, /u/jwfiredragon
"
178658,"Dear lady who says she will only date guys who drive Mercedes or BMW cars, yet your father drives a Hyundai; Why can't you be humble like your mother?
"
68692,"What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy, scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is delicious dipped in batter and deep-fried. *-Hannibal Lecter*
"
58504,"*I describe my lost cat to the cops* Sketch Artist: *draws my cat* Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
"
46510,"Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None--He'll only promise """"change.""""
"
40955,"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $5 to have a garbanzo bean on me.
"
167135,"Did you read the novel about the US drug epidemic? The heroin gets abused.
"
59555,"AC changed bail to basil, and now I'm sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
"
185951,"Did you hear about the new Italian tires? Dago here, dago there, and when dago flat, dago wop wop wop.
"
187269,"I had really loud unprotected phone sex last week Now I have hearing AIDS.
"
16475,"War does not determine who is right  only who is left.
"
163700,"I have a mammoth erection. It's gotta be worth a fortune.
"
69406,"What is the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.
"
40452,"""""I probably shouldn't have said that out loud"""" -a biography
"
158538,"I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm... ...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.
"
60641,"What 20th century composer would make the best bartender? Philip Glass. (fill up glass)
"
104974,"How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? A lot. Many Hans make light work.
"
84257,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Beethoven ! Beethoven who ? Beethoven is too hot !
"
102988,"What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli
"
84970,"Constipated Mathematician Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
"
214739,"How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
"
23611,"My friend told me I sounded pretentious in my essay I don't get it: I don't think I sound ostentatious.
"
160729,"You're meeting identical triplets tonight. One's from the Army, one's a lifestyle Vegan, and one is a diehard Trump supporter. How do you tell them apart? Don't worry. They'll tell you.
"
44164,"What did the Mexican put under his carpet? Underlay! Underlay!
"
5573,"Respond to every """"How was your weekend?"""" today by staring off into the distance & whispering """"So much blood...""""
"
88548,"How do secret agents complement a disguise? """"Hey James, that disguise is incogNEATo!""""
"
203420,"A black man, a blue man, a green man, a pink man, a red man and yellow man walk into a bar... The bartender says, """"We don't serve your kind in here. Too much Risk.""""
"
595,"Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine? Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
"
215410,"Dad: Look at this cute photo of my baby Just kidding, this isn't freaking Facebook!
"
179774,"what is the best thing about eating brown bread you can eat 1 slice and it is still a whole-meal
"
181448,"If I don't get off Reddit, my dad says he will smash my head against the keybosdqAFQ#D!E
"
184014,"""""Dad, where do zebras come from?"""" Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much
"
137854,"What's the most annoying thing about trying to remove the panties off a girl when having sex? The screaming and the fighting
"
73944,"[Airport Bar] Me: I'll have a beer, please. Bartender: That'll be $45. Me: Worth it.
"
71250,"Why was the plant embarrassed? It soiled itself. *Buh dum ts* *Dodges tomatoes*
"
141097,"Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls... One of them says, """"man, I wish I could do that!"""" The other says, """"well, maybe you should pet him first.""""
"
201305,"Doctor Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed what can I do? Saw the legs off of your bed!
"
123729,"Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
"
95900,"Men who talk about how big their dick is actually have a tiny dick. Related: I'm hung like an Asian field mouse.
"
227896,"I was having dinner .. .. .. with Garry Kasporov and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
"
119374,"What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones? The Rolling Stones say 'hey you, get off my cloud.' the Scotsman says 'hey MaCleod, get off my ewe.'
"
86278,"I used to be friends with a lot of metalheads. But then, gradually, our relationships got a little bit rusty.
"
97067,"I found out today it's OK to date a nun.... You just can't get in the habit!
"
130779,"Jesus loves you is always great to hear Unless you're in a mexican prison.
"
170604,"[on intercom] Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear
"
30846,"A man gets pulled over, the officer says to him """"How high are you?"""" The man replies, """"No officer it's 'hi, how are you?'""""
"
176351,"a study shows that 40% of Japanese people have cataracts. the other 60% have Mitsubishi's edit: Mitsubishi to be said in best racist Japanese accent
"
166757,"In which state does the Mississippi river flow? Liquid.
"
135573,"[casting call] -have u acted before? *shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal -oh this guys good
"
144376,"Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....
"
48416,"What's the strongest letter in the alphabet? ***P*** Even Superman can't hold it.
"
214397,"Give a man a fish and chances are you won't be asked to be in charge of buying a gift """"from all of us"""" anymore.
"
17179,"Hey girl are you the great American West? Because you're flat and fertile
"
103035,"WIFE: you've had enough ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
"
27450,"It's a bird, it's a plane! No, it's my data plan!
"
69761,"Where do Doggos go when they lose their tail? THE RETAIL STORE!
"
131937,"What do you call a detective novel about eskimos? Whodinuit
"
189320,"Have you seen www.boomerang .com? Yes I return to it again and again.
"
176119,"Why don't Mexicans blow their noses? So that they have something to pick in the off-season.
"
32386,"Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.
"
39767,"Coworker: Man, it was cold last night! Me: I had my heat on. CW: I meant outside. Me: I don't live outside. CW...
"
125468,"The person you are trying to stalk Is stalking another person.. Please wait
"
28073,"What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it. (heard this somewhere)
"
115085,"Our top story tonight... Generalisimo Francisco Franco is still dead...
"
32207,"boyfriend jeans are over. in 2017 its all about wearing your boyfriend's dog's jeans
"
15431,"*batman voice* Alfred, my bat-wang is stuck in my bat-zipper. Bat-help.
"
19393,"I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I'm sleeping.
"
155936,"A prankster draws glasses on all the photos In Lois Lanes family photo album... Lois Lane: """"this is not my family photo album!""""
"
144306,"Who do you sell second hand bikes to? A re-cyclist.
"
99574,"""""Hey mom, where could I buy some paperclips?"""" """"Staples?"""" """"No....Paperclips.""""
"
23589,"My dog loves sniffing piles of poop He gets so shitfaced from it.
"
140,"My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
"
206988,"Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant looks at the menu and says """"okay!""""
"
5076,"What's in common between Batman and a black guy? They can't go into a store without Robin
"
28882,"Our baby's new nickname is Assad... ..because he keeps assaulting us with gas that is definitely in violation of the Chemical Weapons Convention.
"
204752,"NSFW What's the difference between foreplay and KFC? Once you're finished with the breasts and thighs, you're left with a greasy box to put your bone in.
"
15728,"Two biologists have twins. They named one Jessica, and named the other Control.
"
84379,"Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.
"
60714,"Do cucumbers make anyone else burp? Or am I shoving mine up to far?
"
27054,"What do birds order when they go to Starbucks? Flappaccinos.
"
212451,"Never underestimate the power of carefully worded nonsense.
"
205332,"Why do the /r/jokes moderators like chess? It's the only chance they have to mate.
"
153853,"I enrolled to online Private Investigator Course but they are not answering... I'm not sure if they just ignoring me or this is my first case...
"
30699,"What does a walrus and tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.
"
67270,"Never borrow money from a zombie: they almost always want to be paid back in brains
"
68313,"What do I know about dwarves? Very little.
"
97564,"I was going to make a illegal immigrant joke But I wouldn't want to cross that border
"
32506,"What do you call a prepubescent rapist? ... a smooth criminal.
"
129573,"6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap. It's a joy raising an 80 year old man.
"
39960,"I noticed a bank teller having trouble counting coins so i bumped into his desk and knocked some cents into him.
"
189087,"me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test* cashier: would u like a bag
"
59750,"I like Buddha He's a well rounded guy
"
67282,"did you hear about the guy with five penises? his pants fit like a glove.
"
110413,"How do Jamaican's end their prayers? Ey mon.
"
57986,"I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
"
21,"How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
"
2131,"did you hear about that kidnapping in Texas? He woke up.
"
220335,"Last night I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of sprite... But when I woke up, I realised it was just a fantasy
"
64999,"I hate it when people call me contrary. I am *not* contrary!
"
102075,"I recently joined a support group for people who peaked in high school. It's called Crossfit
"
128851,"I don't believe in peer pressure. Unless my friends do...
"
183299,"I wish I felt as much passion for something as my dogs feel towards the doorbell.
"
200518,"What was Romeo and Juliet's favorite fruit? Cantaloupe
"
118753,"You wanna hear the best joke of the year? Your belt size.
"
14268,"What do you call it when a photo of gay lovers falls from the wall and shatters into two pieces, tearing them apart? Broke back-mounting.
"
179449,"Why is crack a """"Rock""""? Because it's as hard to get off as Alcatraz.
"
162713,"My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
"
121272,"My dog used to chase people on a bike all the time It got so bad I had to take his bike away.
"
6712,"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror.
"
44672,"A man starts having a heart attack mid flight... Person: Is anyone here a doctor? Vegan: I'm a vegan
"
207694,"You call them """"cuss words""""... I call them """"sentence enhancers"""".
"
191979,"How do you stop a monster digging up your  garden? Take his spade away.
"
119698,"Internet is filled with girls crying over Zayn leaving 1D. Never knew there were so many girls in the world until yesterday.
"
194074,"What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Rubberto
"
148238,"Did you hear about the restaurant that got closed down because they were serving just the rear ends of animals? Just-ass was served
"
142893,"What's worse than lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ
"
134271,"That's some crazy news about corn on the cob... Oh, I'm surprised you didn't **ear** about it!
"
31929,"Next time a conspiracy theorist says, """"That's what they want you to think,"""" say, """"No, but that's what they wanted you to tell me.""""
"
52386,"if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
"
98355,"What do you call a Nazi doctor that served in WWII and only took animal patients? A Veteran Aryan Veterinarian!
"
43531,"Why did the pilot hit the Alps? To get to the other side.
"
171999,"Politically Correct Chiggers Chegreos.
"
226596,"Why is Batman undefeatable? Because he was coached by Liam Neeson.
"
164248,"What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison? One's a pro, and one's a con.
"
23475,"So there were these two extremely saggy breasts.... one looked to the other and said """"If we don't get some support soon, they're gonna think we're both nuts!""""
"
149705,"What is punctuation's favorite curry? L&amp;a
"
39249,"A guy at work calls me """"Partner"""" and another guy calls me """"Chief"""". Apparently we're playing Cowboys and Indians and I'm a double agent.
"
113768,"Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
"
59907,"I got caught masturbating by the fedex guy I shouldn't have answered the door, but you gotta sign for that shit or wait til he comes again.
"
158345,"Don't ever debate with an absurdist... because you will always chair apple man with hands for eyes.
"
216681,"What's the difference between the French and toast? You can make soldiers out of toast!
"
133512,"I once dated a 3 foot tall model who played a supporting role in Cat and the Hat She was a pretty little thing
"
10283,"With all of the experience The Fine Bros have... I wonder why they didn't see this reaction coming.
"
68055,"Wow, I was not expecting this to blow up ! RIP Inbox. Well, I actually was.
"
182960,"The Devil has his own Bible. He's releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.
"
213612,"Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt. Well, that and sex.
"
47198,"I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
"
16168,"Someone sly sheared sleeping sheep. Talk about shear terror.
"
166493,"All the sex I've ever had in my life... has been an inside job.
"
58015,"A masochist and a sadist are having rough sex. Masochist: """"Hurt me! Hurt me!"""" Sadist: """"No.""""
"
39273,"ROAR Did you here about the lion joke it will make you ROAR!!!
"
207583,"Why wouldn't the man dance? His pants had no ballroom.
"
155584,"What do we want? A CURE FOR PARANOIA When do we want it? WHO WANTS TO KNOW
"
8591,"did you know that the earth used to be 100% water? that was until yo momma got thirsty.
"
24330,"Why wasn't Hitler allowed at the barbeques? He always burned the Franks.
"
190860,"Steven Hawking nearly died last year. Luckily they sorted him out, they just switched him off and back on again.
"
34648,"What is the drunkest animal in Antarctica? A Pengwine. That's a /u/amanescape original. I can show myself out.
"
65204,"I can relate to people who say they need to rest so they can recover after a tough workout. I feel exactly the same after a heavy meal.
"
129460,"I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one animal there and to make it even worse it was just a dog. It was a shit-zu
"
193765,"""""Have u seen my cat?"""" """"I saw a cat down the road?"""" """"Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?"""" """"No, the one I saw was dead.""""
"
39720,"Personal ad: Handsome man (29), seeks short, open minded women to poke him in the eye with umbrellas. Busy streets only. No names please.
"
190670,"I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
"
110806,"You can tell Monopoly is an old game; Rich people can go to jail.
"
65024,"Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court  decision is Hilary Clinton famous for? A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas is she still your cousin?
"
160398,"Why does it smell so bad in Russia? Everybody loves Putin!
"
120977,"If chick-fil-a ever merged with five guys, what would they could call themselves? five-guys-fil-a-chick
"
189520,"How does North Korea only have four medals so far? We're the best at everything. We even fed our athletes this time.
"
62835,"What happened when the husband tried to deep fry his wife? She went to the battered women's shelter
"
84071,"I've been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I'll be damned if I'm going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
"
79068,"What do you call it when Google Glass connects to the internet? Eye-fi.
"
224413,"Why can't Emma Watson ever play Hermione Granger again? 'Cos once you go black, you never go back.
"
68946,"It's amazing, when a dog licks its own arse it's perfectly normal. But when I do it... I get arrested for bestiality.
"
228228,"I was having sex with a woman when her husband came early. Premature ejaculation is killing our sex life.
"
194106,"People Says ,""""SMOKING KILLS SLOWLY......"""" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . So What, Who'z in a Hurry ....!!!! ;-)
"
231603,"I can always tell by their eyes if someone is a primary school teacher They have small pupils.....
"
35674,"So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I'm not pregnant when they ask when I'm due.
"
203872,"If I was a vampire, pretty sure I'd find a way to cover blood in cheese.
"
15862,"I decided to give a name to my dinner. It was a Miss Steak.
"
135818,"So I decided to finally try one of those vegan stores It might have been the single most disappointing experience of my life they didn't have a single vegan for me to purchase
"
201682,"We all make mistakes... especially your parents!
"
10637,"I hate how people treat amputees differently. Just because they're missing a limb or two doesn't make them any less of a person.
"
52717,"What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film? Stop playing it cagey!
"
213716,"*gazing at the ocean* God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation. Angel: I'm sorr- God: SORRY DOESN'T FIX THIS MESS
"
144596,"Why doesn't Rihanna tell her boyfriend jokes anymore? He always beats her to the punchline.
"
55365,"Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn't want to dance anymore.
"
142634,"What do you call a Spanish cucumber ? A cuke-hombre...
"
218779,"If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
"
203723,"What did the clam with a lisp say to his greedy friend? You're so shelfish!
"
86105,"My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing!
"
30250,"I make you wet and naked people turn me on. What am I? A shower
"
93877,"What do you call a gay vegetarian? A vegetarian.
"
116587,"The worst marketing blunder in history was not putting cassette decks in cell phones.
"
166981,"Overheard a teenager watching Armageddon for the 1st time (after Bruce Willis blows up): """"lol at least the hot one lived (Ben Affleck).""""
"
187813,"My balls are so big that my sac only holds one. The second one? You're standing on it.
"
128205,"People say I should be ashamed that I'm still a virgin... I literally don't give a fuck...
"
21138,"Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To tax the chicken.
"
55244,"Why are pirates angry after leaving the bathroom? Because after """"p"""" comes """"irate""""
"
74835,"Why do people hate cliffhangers? Because the suspense is killing them.
"
205311,"What goes in hard and comes out soft and sticky? Gum.
"
89367,"What's the difference between a lobster with boobs and a filthy bus stop? One's a busty crustacean while the other's a crusty bus station.
"
61091,"Why did the melon plan a big elaborate wedding? Because he cantaloupe.
"
120165,"I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
"
21178,"What do you call a Mexican who can't find his car? Carlos
"
131603,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Caesar ! Caesar who ? Caesar quickly before she gets away !
"
168422,"What's the hardest thing about scout camp? No, not your scout master's dick, but choosing what to wear in his tent.
"
17138,"A few jokes my friend told me... What do you call a bitten apple? -An Iphone. What is bigger than an Iphone? -A brick. What is smaller than an Ipad? -An Ipad Mini.
"
24037,"God: why don't we text anymore? Me: you know why God: I can't just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That's not how it works Me: k
"
220875,"How do you have a rave in Greece? Blu-Tac a euro to the ceiling
"
50370,"My brother and I own adjacent farms The other day he rode over to complain that I was growing marijuana on his side of the fence. I told him to get off his high horse.
"
154430,"Imgur Servers
"
151445,"How do you circumsize a redneck? kick his sister in the jaw
"
77411,"What do black guy's have that is twice the size of white men's, and expands upon contact with a woman? A criminal record.
"
55097,"If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice... ... at night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.
"
183952,"Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
"
89156,"i always carry a condom in my wallet incase i can't finish my corndog
"
217672,"Free admission to Disney On Ice!! Just push your knee against your eyes and you'll get to watch This Knee On Eyes.
"
52896,"My Dad got a new Lexus for my Mom this Mother's Day. He says it's the best trade he's ever made.
"
96381,"""""I Like My Drinks Like I Like My Women"""" Cold, Stiff, and been in the cellar for the past few years.
"
85859,"I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man's best friendzone.
"
230543,"I was going to tell you a joke about homosexuals Butt fuck it.
"
149382,"Why did the picture plead innocent at the trial? It was framed.
"
26493,"The iPhone 7 is water-resistant, has stereo sound and a better camera but it doesn't have that one feature that I want: affordability.
"
65016,"When's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty
"
107936,"Just watched 7 hours of the Inside of my Eyelids Channel. Lotta black shows.
"
115703,"Why do Russians love pho? Because they're SO-VIET
"
42972,"So I walked into a bank with a bag of weed to deposit... The teller asked, """"what are you doing?"""" I said, """"I wish to open a joint account!""""
"
109621,"Why clickbait is so effective
"
124993,"Math joke Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She is not coming back.
"
109088,"You'll never understand unconditional love until the birth of a child. Or hear the beep of a microwave with your burrito.
"
145052,"Bread -mummy I'm tired of always eating bread from yesterday! When will we eat bread that was made TODAY? -tomorrow darling.
"
20223,"Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, 'Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?'
"
55724,"I can't believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
"
141860,"If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.
"
117202,"A non-smoker says to a smoker """"Excuse me, would you mind smoking somewhere else?"""" The smoker replied, """"Hypothetically, yes.""""
"
103592,"As a professional standup comedian I never do self-derogatory jokes I keep my personal life away from my professional life.
"
196642,"Trump chose his Secretary of Defence But who will be Secretary of De Wall?
"
78475,"I bought a Molotov Cocktail today It was $850 and they called it the Note 7
"
51957,"What does the perverted frog say? Rubbit!
"
23840,"There are three types of people in this world Those who can count, and those who can't.
"
197389,"An old man told me this old joke: What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish store? """"Hello, ladies""""
"
6528,"I told my Mexican student to turn in his essay He said """"I ain't no snitch!"""".
"
14752,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Darth Vader Barbie ...with plastic helmet; pull the string and she sounds like James Earl Jones
"
112634,"What has four legs and can fly? Two Birds!
"
199392,"RIP to that hoodie you left at your ex-gf's house. She says she has no idea what youre talkin about but she knows. Wheres my hoodie, Denise?
"
223087,"Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
"
33898,"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a Lickalotopuss
"
158777,"Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.
"
68992,"Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.
"
82886,"What dog is always tired in London? An English sleep dog.
"
219223,"Why did the mummy stop using the Internet? He was getting far too wrapped up in it.
"
77953,"I was going to buy a greek yogurt today, every little helps. Come on guys, lets pull together.
"
5270,"Where do pedophiles get the wedding rings? They go to Jared.
"
79745,"Why did the dog scratch itself against the tree? Ruff Bark
"
44540,"What did the deaf Canadian say to the American that was talking? Eh?
"
26790,"When the moon hits your eye... When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore. When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek that's a moray.
"
61792,"My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition. She didn't miss a beet.
"
150803,"Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy. Me: Did it work?
"
33674,"When covering gay marriage debates avoid asking """"which of you is the woman?"""" It's the shorter guy.
"
229430,"Black Joke Why are black people getting stronger??? Because the televisions these days are getting heavier.
"
145408,"I got kicked out if boy scouts for eating a brownie
"
92794,"""""Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas  tie?"""" """"He said it was too tight.""""
"
118621,"Didn't sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
"
70000,"Maybe I'm just drunk, but this toilet looks alot like my neighbors car.
"
127633,"We could save a lot of hassle if we just made macaroni out of cheese in the first place.
"
103231,"Just once I'd like to have the confidence to order something off of a menu without having to look at the menu while I'm ordering it.
"
100470,"What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? One you pay $500 an hour to screw you. The other one has sex for money.
"
203636,"If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert
"
15081,"Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship? They need space.
"
189484,"I put a thousand pounds on a horse. The fucking thing collapsed.
"
178358,"I was standing out side the other day and a bat flew at my head it was a Louisville Slugger and I don't remember much after that.
"
203208,"(OC) What do you call Helen Keller punching someone? Senseless violence.
"
139762,"What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.
"
75331,"Police are looking for a man who refuses to update his PDF reader. He is described as 32, single and has no fixed adobe.
"
26750,"I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
"
109383,"Heard of that new product for removing gum that's stuck in your hair? Chemotherapy
"
127904,"I was just sentenced to Prison for my part in a timeshare fraud. I have to go to prison for two weeks every year for 20 years.
"
49274,"An awesome person fills you with awe, which stands to reason that a handsome person will fill you with hand.
"
92272,"Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit a fire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
"
55704,"Some say I'm a man of many talents. It's not true... I'm a man of one talent - I'm good at everything. *i'll see my self out*
"
210212,"Make like a tree and... Make like a tree and use photosynthesis to turn sunlight into energy and use that energy to go and fuck off
"
167861,"What did one wall say to the other wall? Lets meet in the corner!
"
50551,"What's the difference between a joke and three dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.
"
165745,"Whats the difference between an onion and a hooker? I dont cry when I cut up a hooker
"
218517,"Q. What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase? A. """"It's okay Daddy I'm not hurt.""""
"
52278,"What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepard? The Stones say """"hey you get off of my cloud!"""" The Shepard says """"hey Mc Cloud get of of my ewe!""""
"
223750,"Did you hear about the new sprinklers from Australia? They're Aussielating.
"
78538,"So this crazy guy starts talking to me on the train... """"Is this the train to heaven?"""", he asks me. """"No"""", I say. """"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit"""", he replied.
"
14820,"I had a 12 inch Italian last night Then I went to Subway
"
154638,"A man goes to the library and asks for the book """"Psycho the Rapist"""".. The librarian slaps him and says it's """"Psychotherapist""""!
"
165979,"Conversation between two accountants at a  cocktail party: """".......and ninthly...""""
"
220474,"A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. """"Are you a friend of the bride ?"""" he asked. """"Certainly not"""" she snapped """"I'm the groom's mother.""""
"
23754,"What does a frying pan and anal sex have in common? They both brown your meat.
"
176138,"What would I be if I doubled myself? Meme
"
100359,"What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? """"Today sure was ruff"""" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P
"
44000,"DIET TIP: Always eat smart. Refuse any food that hasn't scored highly on the SATs and been admitted to an Ivy League school.
"
70755,"Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I'm not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That's just ridiculous
"
199058,"What spoils quicker than unrefridgerated meat? The Walking Dead's facebook page.
"
119904,"Knock knock. Who's there? Saddam. Saddam who? *Seen*
"
195514,"My iPhone does NOT rule my life. Battery - Don't worry, Siri. I got this.
"
60638,"Remember that time when you didn't call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?nnSo sad. Really.
"
212319,"*sneaks into sons room to scare him* *trips over skateboard* *steps on something squishy* *turns light on* *makes him clean his room*
"
99940,"I gauge a person's wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
"
8350,"I made a huge mistake I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.
"
80280,"How do you say nachos in English? Mine.
"
185231,"I'm such a great chick magnet Too bad I'm the kind that repels rather than attracts
"
95632,"Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists... They did unspeakable things to me.
"
137782,"I believe if Floyd fought Ali ... I believe it would be a close fight but Floyd would win. Because Ali has Parkinson's
"
78273,"How do you ask someone if they're Vegan? You don't need to, they'll tell you
"
185542,"Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you're high, you won't buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.
"
106029,"How did the blind carpenter regain his eyesight? He picked up his hammer and saw.
"
56607,"Where do fish wash ? In a river basin !
"
177403,"It's in the Smile A boy met a girl.... Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Boy (smiling): Why thank you... are you single? Girl: No, I am a dentist.
"
90032,"My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
"
44315,"What do you call it when frankenstein's monster's wife gets her period? Her monstrual cycle
"
193992,"COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.
"
57199,"I went to the Space and Air Museum in Indiana... I paid $20 just to see an empty warehouse.
"
218232,"Why does Sirius Black get all the girls? Because he's a real dawg.
"
156094,"Mulatto friend of mine was eating Oreos. I asked her """"Isn't that cannibalism""""?
"
69730,"In Jamaica, how do you know if a mango is ripe? Pokemon Go!
"
80737,"What's a muslim's favourite game? Goat Stimulator
"
50448,"Have you heard about the Polish strip club? There are Poles everywhere.
"
75183,"An old black man goes to his vasectomy wearing a tuxedo... ...his doctor asks him """"Why are you wearing a tuxedo?"""" The man responds """"If I'm going to be im-po-tant, I want to look im-po-tant!""""
"
93713,"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but I hear the reception was excellent.
"
209224,"What idiot invented fire blankets? You'd think they'd be hot enough from the flames.
"
220062,"Someone stole all the toilets from my local police station The cops have nothing to go on.
"
143323,"What is the difference between a cop and a box of chocolates? Nothing. They'll both kill your dog.
"
163972,"I think about other women when I'm having sex with my wife. But I always think about her when I'm having sex with other women.
"
59084,"how many Frenchmen does it take to properly defend Frances borders? No idea, No ones ever tried.
"
231430,"Last night I met the girl of my dreams... Then I woke up.
"
154098,"A world without women..... Would be a pain in the ass
"
203843,"Did you know that the illuminati created golf as a way of harnessing the world's most valuable energy source? Angry old white men.
"
197640,"This morning some bloke drove up to my house in a huge lorry and dumped off a massive pile of lego blocks. I'm so furious I don't know what to make of it.
"
14004,"Everyone had heard of the Ronald McDonald house for abused children..... Now they're opening the tempura house for lightly battered women.
"
122817,"*Husband using Ouija board after I've died* Please answer me *arrow moves* """"It's on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!""""
"
188979,"I once farted in an Apple Store and everyone got pissed.. It's not my fault they don't have Windows
"
178390,"My surgeon says I'm the easiest patient to work on. Because I'm gutless, spineless, and my brain and colon are interchangeable.
"
112638,"I just took a poop so black, I sent an Instagram of it to Kim Kardashian and she asked what team it plays for
"
174707,"""""This sushi is terrible."""" """"Sir, this is an aquarium.""""
"
76876,"Let's hear some Confucius Jokes I'll start Confucius says woman that keeps soap on top shelf will jump for joy.
"
155379,"[The Price Is Right] Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right
"
128926,"Q: How do you fix a broken pizza? A: Use tomato paste.
"
165238,"Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
"
198340,"An idea for a board game... BONOPOLY - Similar to Monopoly, but where the streets have no name.
"
174942,"Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat  next to everyone
"
68785,"I invented a realistic sex simulator. It doesn't work on me because realistically nobody wants to have sex with me.
"
145208,"[helping kid w/math] What is 0.1 as a fraction? """"One tenth?"""" Good, now what does 10% mean? """"Battery low, plug in your phone?"""" Perfect
"
165308,"Do you get extra points for killing two birds with another bird?
"
30032,"Black guy just told me """"Stay up playa"""" but didnt say until what time and I usually go to bed around 11 so not sure what to do now.
"
97334,"What pokemon spys on you while he has a cold? Peek achoo!
"
183019,"Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
"
155504,"I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don't know. I'm still working it out.
"
149766,"What's the difference between New Jersey girls and trash? Trash gets picked up.
"
75464,"What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAND EEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
"
133942,"My girlfriend used to do flashy shows on a chair for me. It was electrical.
"
110867,"I was thinking about moving to Moscow But there's no point in Russian to things.
"
123727,"I used to go out with a girl who had a wooden leg. Everything went smoothly, then I broke it off.
"
175155,"When I get a lot of Myspace requests my fax machine goes crazy.
"
176624,"I was going to photograph my food but then I ate it. I hope I don't get kicked off Instagram for that kind of behaviour.
"
199747,"Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*
"
168643,"I was walking through an arts and crafts shop when I saw a sign saying, """"Glue Sticks."""" I thought, """"No shit...""""
"
94146,"The best revenge is living well, unless you own a flamethrower.
"
166193,"My crushes are like the sun They're hot and if I stare for too long, I get hurt.
"
93237,"""""What's the difference between you and I?"""" About 12 letters
"
109596,"A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.
"
125306,"*Skrillex, young and penniless, is working at a grocery store and shelving boxes of produce* *drops beets* Oh. Oh my god.
"
206437,"Forget the wheel.... ...Jesus take my final!
"
154165,"You guys wanna hear a potassium joke? K
"
92061,"How many ears does Captain Kirk have. He has three, a Left ear, right ear... and a final front ear.
"
202456,"What does the ghost like on his roast beef? grave-y gravy
"
221078,"What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle? Optimistic
"
128367,"Urugay still complaining about Suarez punishment: """"Don t forget that 4 human months are 2 dog years.""""
"
115595,"My math teacher used to call me average. How mean!
"
92541,"Niggas be like.. ..OH HELL NO!
"
206675,"2 Egyptians noticed their farts smelled the same. They had a Tutankhamen.
"
201070,"unlike drugs, twitter addiction won't cost you anything, except your social life
"
66644,"I can't believe they're still using that guy as a Subway spokesperson! Robert Griffen III is terrible!
"
58793,"""""Hey, the sky is pitch black tonight.""""-You, counting your lucky stars.
"
6346,"Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
"
23868,"[Ouija board] """"Hey spirits, talk to us"""" W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E """"fml""""
"
47800,"What do you call a fat psychic? ...a four chin teller
"
29087,"I taught my 4yo how to spell 'beer' so he'll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
"
185507,"How does a chef relax? He beats his meat
"
13389,"There was a paradox... And ***Theseus*** parked his ***ship*** right in-between them. 
"
79863,"What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? Branch manager.
"
55687,"A Priest, A Pervert and A Pedophile Walks into a Bar
"
116923,"Congress If CON is the opposite of PRO, is congress the opposite of progress?
"
108323,"My underwear is spoiled.
"
49556,"What did the illiterate man say upon realizing the couch he just purchased was made of fake leather? Oh for faux sake!
"
180782,"Why are dogs always SENSITIVE? ------------ Because they have tears in their eyes
"
175705,"I'm addicted to wanking over leaflets. When I went into rehab, I got off to a flyer.
"
38818,"'My boobs fall to the side when I lay down' is the new 'my boobs are real.'
"
134890,"Why did the programmer die in the shower? He followed the shampoo instructions.
"
64724,"If FedEx and Ups merged would they call  it Fed UP?
"
114186,"Hula hoopers never seem to get anywhere... They're just going around in circles.
"
143230,"What's Fozzy Bear's favorite city? Mil-wocka-wocka-waukee
"
87596,"Guy at the gym had """"True Gentleman"""" tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.
"
56538,"Why couldn't the astronaut book a room on the moon? Because it was full.
"
40086,"What does GOP mean? """"GOP"""" is onomatopoeic: it's the sound of anonymous penetration in public bathrooms late at night. -&amp;y
"
15526,"HOLY SHIT I JUST CORRECTLY GUESSED A WIFI PASSWORD AM I JESUS?
"
105267,"This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
"
94975,"My girlfriend finally watched Back To The Future. It's about time.
"
73473,"I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected This economy is ruthless.
"
56927,"A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a friend' that is ALWAYS in need is getting on my nerves.
"
140085,"I don't know why they call them """"dog tranquilizers."""" They seem to work just fine on people, too.
"
212618,"Helen Keller walks into a bar And a table, and a chair, and a bed...
"
217114,"I'm scheduled for a vasectomy next Wednesday, but I am a little worried. I hear it can make a vas deferens in my sex life.
"
16226,"I found out my best friend was a heroin addict... Needles to say, that friendship ended quickly.
"
47355,"Why Couldn't Bill Gates Get A Girl Friend? Because his penis was Microsoft.
"
118382,"Just saw a car with """"Just Married"""" on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
"
73576,"If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, """"Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.""""
"
38789,"Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
"
178889,"Why didn't anyone care about the circus? Because it was irr-elephant
"
176906,"My dad says I'm lazy, but he's wrong. I like work. I could watch it for hours.
"
96571,"This is not a joke, just wanted to say this. A repost means nothing other than a Joke worth re-telling.
"
220922,"Chemists Confirm the Existence of New Type of Bond Bond, James Bond.
"
174793,"I hear something. Do you hear that? HERE COMES THAT BOI OH SHIT WADDUP!
"
211063,"How are bad dubstep and constipation similar? Both leave you waiting for the drop.
"
185003,"Show him you care by leaving the message """"I see you"""" on his bathroom mirror.
"
218036,"I might have Alzheimer's... But at least I don't have Alzheimer's.
"
69387,"wife: What's the best moment of your life? me: That time I won a stuffed dino- wife: That didn't involve a dinosaur me: Our wedding
"
218103,"Who got only one visitor his entire life, got banished from the family and still lurks around with hope? Pluto.
"
57619,"*gets down on one knee* Wow, you really suck. Why can't you be more like the other knee?
"
36387,"Some girls put more effort into naming their Facebook photo albums than I put into my life.
"
211365,"Captain America: I got the alert, what's the emergency? Avengers: Well, it's snowing, so... CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
"
92309,"The Comcast repairman asked if he could use my bathroom. I guess he had to cut some cable.
"
123051,"How can I know hundreds of digits of pi But not know the digits of your phone number?
"
110366,"I'm classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
"
177284,"[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick] Hi, you left your number on my car. Who's going to clean this?
"
108324,"Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
"
217336,"- We buried my mother-in-law yesterday. - Sorry to hear that. When did she die? - My guess would be sometime this morning.
"
20011,"Oh, you were sexually harassed in the workplace? Sounds like a personnel problem.
"
124411,"What do you call a shy, soft-spoken hipster? mumblr
"
58116,"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Holy Roller
"
7978,"What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.
"
228611,"What's 20 feet long and smells like piss? It's a line dance at the old folks home...
"
29264,"Of course women are funny. Why else would there be so many jokes about them.
"
62100,"It's a good thing I keep condoms in my backpack because midterms have been fucking me all week
"
124007,"What is the difference between a robot and a sandwich? Everything. These two objects have nothing in common.
"
61396,"Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
"
144115,"What's the fastest way to heaven? It depends on the flight delays.
"
72714,"A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it's hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face.
"
212691,"Breaking news: Cartoonist found dead in his own home. The details were sketchy.
"
207553,"Is it getting solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
"
198111,"I'm DJ'ing my daughter's 11th bday. As DJ D. A. D. , I need to collect your best dad jokes suitable for the mic! I'm sure she'll forgive me... eventually.... Hit me!
"
190108,"People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that's why.
"
94083,"First Time F: they say the first time hurts, is that true? M: I don't know, but I don't think so. F: they say that every time M: amateurs
"
124342,"Anyone have a good recipe for ice cubes?
"
106818,"2 humorist were fixing a bomb in a car humorist 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing. humorist 2 : Don't worry, I have a one more.
"
21343,"What do gay men have in common with the people who persecute them? They're both fucking assholes
"
231438,"Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I'm googling how to get paid without leaving my house
"
127857,"1. Secretly take a bunch of pictures of someone you see everyday but barely know 2. Friend request them on FB 3. Tag them in 238 photos
"
93673,"Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
"
230659,"You all need to stop worrying about Trump becoming the next president... There's no way he's moving into a smaller house in a black neighborhood!
"
100122,"How does the farmer count up his cows? ...with a cowculator.
"
176851,"A skeleton walks into a bar... And askes for a beer and a mop.
"
140734,"It's a shame that the Woman in Pakistan got stoned... ...but Jihad it coming.
"
107178,"What internet provider does Satan use in hell? Comcast
"
206574,"What does a hippy tell you when you ask them to leave? Namaste
"
26500,"A magician was driving down the street and turned into a driveway
"
200302,"A masochist asks a sadist """"Please hurt me."""" """"No,"""" replies the sadist.
"
7749,"If you don't like my selfies, maybe you shouldn't have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren't ready to handle that kind of responsibility
"
211590,"I went to Seoul the other day to sell fluorescent markers. It was the highlight of my Korea.
"
216553,"Boxing is probably the most applicable martial art to the street... If you run away, you probably won't get hit.
"
130695,"never hit a guy with glasses... hit him with a brick
"
89170,"What's all pent-up and missing a cunt? Chelsea Manning.
"
52963,"If I could have any superpower, I would pick China.
"
5635,"I told a friend of mine that me and other friends were talking about him behind his back. He told me, """"You disgust me."""" And I said, """"Yes. Yes we did.""""
"
181932,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Baby ! Baby who ? Baby love my baby love.... !
"
29480,"Me: What's your strongest weakness? Candidate: ... *Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up M: It's a trick question. You're hired!
"
146958,"How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
"
169169,"Do you know who cries the most during the end of Titanic? Metal fans.
"
210009,"If Italian westerns are called Spaghetti Westerns,then what are Japanese ones called? Sushi Westerns
"
111960,"I just found out how babies are made. Gross!
"
23952,"What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better perk up or people may think were nuts.
"
45980,"What do you call spaghetti that carries a fake ID? an impasta!
"
161350,"What do you call hand warmers scattered throughout a room? Intermittens.
"
47067,"When a drunk girl in her 20s screams, """"Oh my God, I love this song!"""", you can be sure that song sucks.
"
29247,"chicken. knock knock Why did the chicken cross the road? (To get to the idiots house.) *knock knock* """"Who's there?"""" The chicken....
"
109387,"PMS: I'm sorry. ME: Why? It's a good day. PMS: Wait for it. ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
"
73741,"A nudist colony is where both sexes go... ...to air their differences.
"
78070,"Why were the mountain climber's parents disappointed in him? He was always high! ^(I'm sorry)
"
125426,"Dark Jokes Post your darkest joke in the comments
"
227374,"Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
"
4677,"I saw a man at the beach yelling """"Help, Shark! Help! I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.
"
215593,"If you're wearing Superman undies, but she's a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.
"
15641,"a great joke to tell on the phone What has a little dick and hangs down? a bat! now what has a big dick and hangs up? *click*.
"
68879,"Girlfriend and I are visiting San Fran to finally see the Golden Gate in person. """"What are we going to do when we see it?"""" she asks. """"We'll cross that bridge when we get there.""""
"
45867,"I shoudl not be expected to put my knee on the ground to propose to a woman, the same ground where the animals shit,
"
100926,"How many lives does a German cat have NEIN!
"
203361,"The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That's when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake...
"
76234,"Don't know if this is original or not but... What is the top selling fruit in the world? Clay Aiken.
"
98504,"A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
"
143768,"So my girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day... And I said that's a big word for a 5 year old.
"
94717,"How does a black women know if she's pregnant? All the cotton on her tampon has been picked off.
"
160894,"Drugs are bad...when they wear off.
"
94597,"I'm at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out
"
179822,"If Captain Obvious ever got an archenemy I would expect him to be named Major WTF Now that's one Major WTF. No kidding Captain Obvious.
"
39310,"Why do gay men hate Jesus? It took him three days to rise again.
"
144181,"I wasn't upset about that black cat crossing my path but mouthing """"you're fucked"""" as he passed was just rude.
"
126234,"Who Shot JR ? by U Dunnit
"
39581,"4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
"
126878,"Dropped mother-in-law at airport. Her flight isn't until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
"
222057,"Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.
"
183842,"Nice Girls are found in every corner of the world... ...unfortunately, the world is round.
"
217046,"Helen Keller walked into a bar Then a table, and a wall.
"
91532,"What do chemists make guacamole out of? Avogadros
"
160576,"What do I and Ronda Rousey have in common? neither of us can last more than a minute :(
"
204734,"Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
"
110899,"Reports coming in from Detroit that during his visit to the church, Trump was AXED.... ....a lot of questions.
"
170156,"If you feel like your parents didn't hug you enough as a child then it's probably because they didn't really want you. Good talk.
"
227797,"How do you react when looking in the mirror? You cry because you shoved a cactus up your peckar.
"
83039,"I'm so lonely I bought a plane ticket just for the airport pat down.
"
208975,"What do you get if you cross a telephone  with a fat football player? A wide receiver.
"
28561,"I like my woman like I like my coffee Served at 160F.
"
12941,"Yes I read reddit on the toilet I do it for shits and giggles
"
52201,"The real oldest yo mama joke... ...yo mama
"
2694,"Say friends, why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers? They're always raising the steaks!
"
154554,"I just bought a really expensive car, only to find the reverse gear broken. There's no going back now.
"
100993,"What did a police officer write in the criminal report, when they found a homey from the bottom of a lake, wrapped in 200 kg's of metal chains? -Offender stole more than he could carry by swimming
"
70668,"Why do Irishmen grow mustaches? So they look like their mothers
"
195267,"when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
"
171486,"My wife has been around the block a few dozen times, if you know what I mean. She's a mail carrier.
"
188522,"I'll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said """"Never forget what I'm about to tell you"""" then some story about corn.
"
189383,"How Many Russians Does It Take To Invade Crimea? None according to the Russians.
"
221744,"Man insisted on pumping my gas. Didn't turn into an euphemism until he squirted all over the side of my car & asked if that's how I like it.
"
137540,"Two blondes are waiting for a bus. The first one is waiting for the 2nd route bus, the other - for the 3rd. They both board the route 23 bus when it arrives.
"
128024,"If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember.. there is someone crash testing volvos
"
32375,"ME: What's this bit here? NURSE: ...his heart ME: Hm. NURSE: Your resume said you were a surgeon ME: My resume says a lot of things
"
60273,"Robin Williams was found dead in his house. The police suspect arson, but I doubtfire. Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/4chan/comments/2dacn8/no/cjnr8i8
"
146992,"A man walked into a chiropodists and put his d**k on the table...The chiropodist said """"That's not a foot """"....and the man said """"I know, but it's not far off!""""
"
1009,"Me: *pouts at front facing camera* Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
"
122491,"Nobody suspects that you're digging a grave when you're always working on your landscape.
"
75647,"Why are drug addicts bad at billiards? Because they only pay to shoot up the eight ball
"
193485,"Rape jokes are so much more funny when you force them on someone ...
"
142643,"World Peace.
"
197672,"Subway is like prostitution you pay someone else to do your wife's job.
"
150625,"Why do black people like the rain? For drizzle.
"
120875,"What did the fireman say when the church  caught on fire? """"Holy smoke!""""
"
113187,"If you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don't have to sell you anything.
"
160989,"What do we want?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES! When do want them?! NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWW!!!
"
64898,"Why is Dublin the capital of Ireland? Cause it keeps on Dublin and Dublin.
"
135586,"Facebook should invent a relationship status that says """"Only when I'm drunk.""""
"
149336,"What do you call a handjob in a swimming pool? A pull noodle
"
104144,"There are 3 types of people in this world Those who are good with numbers and those who aren't
"
226776,"Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sips it for a while, and when he is finished, the bartender asks him if he'd like another. Descartes says, """"I think not"""", and disappears.
"
155563,"I'm gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
"
208938,"How do you drown a hipster? Throw them in the mainstream
"
174178,"Why didn't the child in the secret society get a present for christmas? He had been illumi-naughty
"
136910,"Clever Husband. Husband: Today is Sunday &amp; I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: Why Three? Husband: It's for you and your parents.
"
50480,"The guy who coined the phrase,""""I'm not gettin any younger."""" The guy he said it to then coined the phrase,""""No shit, Sherlock.""""
"
129846,"Why is a T-rex so angry? He can't masturbate.
"
196927,"I slappa da bass man... ... then he and the drummer beat the shit out of me :(
"
159788,"Why are campers so predictable? You know they're in tents.
"
111522,"What do communists do on May Day? Paint the town red.
"
132291,"A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs. The Customs official says """"Have you got anything to declare?"""" He thinks a second and he says """"It's a nice-a day!""""
"
104277,"WIFE: You can't tell kids they're grounded anymore ME: Why not? W: They weren't our kids M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
"
40795,"Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl use a bathroom? The p is silent.
"
165771,"Why were the potato people upset with their leader? He was a dick-tater
"
76106,"Have you watched the movie about polynomials? I heard the *f(x)* were great!
"
163514,"you are what you eat.. funny, I dont rember eating a sexy beast this morning.
"
16624,"What's the similarity between women and dogshit? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
"
47592,"Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site. The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.
"
104366,"The cops arrested my phone yesterday. They charged it with battery.
"
72848,"I wrote """"except zombies"""" on my welcome mat so I know I'll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
"
117435,"My wife has really dry skin so I asked my doctor what I could do about it. He said, """"Give her a milk bath."""" I said, """"Pasteurized?"""" The doctor replied, """"No, just up to her knees will do.""""
"
216966,"Why did the Little Mermaid run away with the fisherman? He had allure.
"
146076,"Knock, Knock Knock, Penny?
"
135412,"Teacher and Student Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that? Boy: Me and I'm going home now.
"
39043,"What do you call an Irish snake in Lord of the Rings? Legolas
"
220453,"Embarrassed Shopper I get so embarrassed grocery shopping when I see the Salad Dressing
"
95665,"What is the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear
"
187067,"I was waiting in line for soup at my favorite Vietnamese food truck... When this guy pushes in front to place his order. I'm like, """"Dude, pho queue.""""
"
175515,"You're fat and you need to diet... I won't sugarcoat it because you'll eat that too.
"
68337,"I was sitting on a bus in Thailand across from a beautiful young lady. My shorts were a little tight and I was thinking, don't get a boner, don't get a boner... But she did.
"
109266,"Why does Bob Seger always laugh when he plays chess? He thinks it's funny how the Knight moves.
"
216924,"What did the midget say in the crowded elevator? You guys are a bunch of assholes.
"
108668,"Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
"
24771,"Best time to go to the dentist? tooth hurty
"
21633,"Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!
"
78966,"I don't know what STD causes blurry genitals... But Japan seems to have an epidemic of it.
"
165701,"Have you heard there's a new disease you can get from using Linux? It's Terminal. (OC joke.)
"
26489,"Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down.
"
29555,"North Korea shows that you don't need religion to be crazy.
"
11897,"I thought I was wrong once But I was mistaken
"
67101,"Why use words you don't understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
"
230304,"What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your mouth.
"
114143,"Alpha male An alpha male walks into a pharmacy and asks for Beta blockers.
"
264,"I left Stephen Hawking like 8 voice mail messages before I realised he'd picked up every time.
"
35222,"Knock Knock Who's there? The Pilot
"
7615,"""""My girlfriend is 41 years old"""" - """"My girlfriend is 41 years old."""" - """"Dude, wth?! She can be your mom!!!"""" - """"Yes, but she's yours"""" - ._.
"
183540,"Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There's no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
"
80195,"How do you stop a metal from rusting? Use some antioxidants
"
24850,"Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work* Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
"
73416,"I saw a woman with 12 breasts. Sounds strange, dozen tit?
"
197993,"You can say many bad things about Hitler... ...but the showers joke was pretty good.
"
35,"Every night, I take all of the singles out of my wallet, spread them on the bed, and pretend I was pretty that day.
"
193512,"Jimmy was blowing bubbles in the bathtub... then Bubbles got up and left.
"
88535,"Chuck Norris counted to infinity Twice!
"
130189,"Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?
"
15647,"If a Church Congregation from Massachusetts goes on a Bus Ride It would be Mass Mass Mass Transit
"
73798,"Maybe middle America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
"
75092,"Why are the steaks so high? Because the pot was calling the cattle back and the cows went back to the marijuana field.
"
202015,"A banker tells his client that a 1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money! So the the client asks """"How much is a ton of money"""" The banker responds """"Two Thousand Pounds""""
"
209697,"Don't make fun of fat people with lisps... They're thick and tired of it
"
218840,"Wife [walking into house]: Ummm.. Me: [recreating """"You Better Shape Up Scene"""" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early.
"
14671,"I wrote in my diary and went through it with a bright yellow marker. It was the hi lite of my day.
"
226969,"I wanted to be a standup comedian.. they asked me to sit down.
"
124441,"Why does Meek Mill avoid shopping on Black Friday? Because the stores advertise """"Back to Back"""" savings.
"
158029,"What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater ? Terrified !
"
162001,"Why do Americans spell colour as color? Because fuck U, that's why.
"
160728,"My doctor said I need to eat more Taco Bell He actually said I was constipated, but I understood what he meant.
"
156179,"Racism is for lazy people who don't take the time to learn enough about someone to dislike them for a much better reason.
"
6413,"""""How long have you been chopping wood for?"""" """"I'm not sure, I'll check the logs""""
"
48152,"Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me. Then he turned around and asked me a question.
"
211082,"When I was young, my dad told me chocolate milk came from brown cows. I really envied little black breastfed babies after that.
"
214670,"A magician was driving down the road. He turned into a driveway!
"
224460,"A wise man once said that ice on the ground is great. He fell
"
12522,"I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me... ...to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
"
11885,"Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac dyslexic? He lay awake at night wondering if there's a Dog.
"
72066,"The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
"
216657,"Why couldn't the pirate get into the movie? Because he was arrested for pirating movies since it's illegal!
"
103375,"How do you fuck a fat chick? Roll her over in flour and find the wet spot
"
63810,"I was feeling a bit down today... So I breathed some helium. It picked me right up!
"
87571,"The FCC requires all rock stations to hire a woman named Kat.
"
142341,"9: """"Mom, that's a pretty necklace. Can I have it?"""" Me: """"No, I got it as a gift."""" 9: """"Well, can I have it when you die, then?""""
"
986,"Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
"
221456,"My boss gave me a nice pat on the back the other day.. It made things a bit awkward on the shitter though.
"
131702,"A man walks into a grocery store. Asks for a pound of tomatoes. The grocer says, """"we call them kilos over here."""" The man replies """"fine, a pound of kilos then.""""
"
651,"Why did the Canadian cross the road? Because that's the direction his car was sliding.
"
168323,"why can't two physicians be near each other? Because it's a paradox!
"
77021,"Used tampons should be hung outside for the mosquito
"
141044,"What do you call a Mexican who is high? A Baked Bean!
"
84632,"[OC] Why did Caitlyn Jenner lose custody rights of her kids? Her kids couldn't see her anymore, she was a trans-parent.
"
186150,"The reason cats are so pissy is they're God's perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
"
155591,"Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium **BATMAN! **
"
90217,"What do a moped and a fat chick have in common? Both are fun to ride but you'd never want your friend to catch you on one.
"
10216,"I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
"
15015,"What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
"
91428,"I slapped a statues arse... I think I hit rock bottom
"
60003,"A student sits at his desk and begins his economics exam. He opens the paper and reads the first question. To Germany, how much is Greece worth - 1 mark
"
158531,"Bet the wife $50 That she couldn't make me happy and sad with the same sentence. She said I was much better in bed than my brother.
"
175073,"My dentist... has the heart of a lion. ( sitting on his office table)
"
57923,"Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.
"
8403,"What do you call a blind dinosaur? An Idontthinkhesaurus.
"
155995,"So i brought home a piece of furniture last night... but it left in the morning without saying a word. It was one nightstand.
"
51698,"""""Have they tried turning him off and then on again?"""" - Me, suggesting a cure for Stephen Hawking.
"
155947,"Ever hear of """"organic"""" grapes? Yeah, they're called Raisens.
"
209608,"You know who really likes debates? De fish
"
95580,"There was a race between a group of gays and a group of lesbians. Who do you think got there first? The lesbians, because they got there lickety-split while the gays were still packing their shit.
"
1304,"You know you're too drunk to drive when... The tree you swerved for is actually the air-freshener.
"
52697,"Why is a bullet like a gay man? When it gets it in the ass, he blows his load!
"
219164,"Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today Guess I should've prepared whey in advance
"
43023,"Life teachings Q: What do you call it when your child teaches you something they are interested in? A: Learning from your mistakes.
"
183838,"Why are the Greeks so in debt? They demand credit for everything
"
15721,"Shoutout to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
"
166982,"How do you starve a Socialist? You hide their food stamps under their work boots. Edit; Thank you /u/DoctorBrohoof for my first gold!
"
11274,"You think you know all about fractions... But you don't know the half of it.
"
55256,"Stupid people need a CPU upgrade, colorblind people need a GPU upgrade. Just thought of this a few minutes ago, thought you guys might like it.
"
102909,"Wrote a letter to Santa today because i don't want him to think that we only talk when i want something from him.
"
170920,"Rene Descartes walks into a bar... The bartender asks """"Want something to drink?"""". Decartes replies """"I think not"""", and disappears.
"
63948,"""""This is gonna be so awful, and everyone's least favorite, yet .0001 of the population will keep it in demand."""" - Inventor of licorice
"
21669,"How much does a pirate earing cost? A buccaneer
"
150721,"If you're the best at bodybuilding, all you've really accomplished is grossing the rest of us out.
"
207419,"I think my friend is a racist. He's been known to tell a few colorful jokes.
"
227988,"Respectful Yo Mama Jokes
"
172116,"You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
"
174087,"Why are notes natural leaders? Because while a note makes a sound, the rest is silent.
"
61199,"What do gay jazz musicians play? The ballsax.
"
38294,"Just reminding everyone on the sub, 9/11 jokes aren't funny. They're plane wrong.
"
200946,"Some people say I'm unemployed, but I say I work.. for steam customer support
"
91579,"Why Hitler used uBoots? Because the enemy did nazi them coming.
"
208661,"My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
"
93723,"Pull the pin out of a grenade... and you can keep it for the rest of your life.
"
80315,"Snake and the lizard Did you hear about the snake and lizard? Turns out they moved. Yeah, they scored an upscale apartment.
"
131775,"I'll sleep when I'm dead. I'll sleep tonight as well. There's also a pretty good chance I'll take a nap soon.
"
57972,"Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? 'cause they're ugly and they stink.
"
202361,"Condoms A man walks into a shop to buy some condoms. The cashier asks 'would you like a bag with that?' To which the man replies 'No thanks, she's not that ugly'.
"
65939,"In 1974 I helped a man called """"Falcon"""" throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
"
191634,"Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they're Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he's got diabetes.
"
217157,"Linguistic studies have shown results about drivers of east asian cars... It is proven that a large number of Hyundai owners have an accent.
"
101917,"Tell y'all what I know about dwarfs.. Very little.
"
138627,"I've been driving for about seven years and haven't had an accident yet... I guess you could call me a wreckless driver
"
194991,"Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don't want people to know they like to swim YOU DON'T KNOW
"
120652,"They say dog is a man's best friend and diamonds are a girl's best friend but My best friends are cows because steak and handbags.
"
125454,"complaining about your wife's stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories
"
15658,"If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test?
"
206436,"[several months ago] BEYONCE: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby JAY-Z: How many we got BEYONCE: One JAY-Z: Not a problem
"
98986,"What's the best part about five year olds? They're hands make your cock look huge
"
129440,"""""You know who else loved carbs? Hitler."""" - excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation
"
192847,"""""Knock Knock"""" """"Who's there?"""" """"Grandpa"""" """"Wait, STOP THE FUNERAL!""""
"
196500,"What if there was a sign written in braille that said DO NOT TOUCH! http://i.imgur.com/gNUYlpb.gif
"
159074,"""""A gripping tale of love and survival..."""" is how one reviewer described me tumbling down the stairs while trying to retrieve a stray M&M.
"
161504,"Knock Knock Who's there? Moderate Islam. ....... That's strange. I could've sworn I heard a knock at the door.
"
42497,"Imagination: because if I fcuked you as much as I thought about it, we'd both be unemployed.
"
49339,"joke what did the porcupine say the first time it had sex ? ouch ooh ouch ooh ouch ooh. what the beaver say the first time it had sex ?....... gee Wally that kind of hurt
"
157896,"What's the worst part about being a gay bathhouse attendant? Shitty tips.
"
167658,"Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school? It's fine, he woke up.
"
15740,"The youngest daughter of a cannibalistic family was late to dinner She got the cold shoulder
"
6740,"""""No no no!"""" said the enraged businessman to the persistent salesman. """"I cannot see you today!"""" """"That's fine"""" said the salesman """"I'm selling spectacles.""""
"
115964,"Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
"
211165,"What does a stick of Big Red and a Jamaican prisoner have in common? Dey both sinna, mon!
"
123609,"Everyone should thank me for not being a doctor.
"
38026,"What's better than getting gold in the Special Olympics ? Being normal.
"
132459,"I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
"
60802,"A skeleton walks into a bar... The bartender asks, """"Hey skeleton, what'll it be?"""" The skeleton replies, """"I will have a beer...and a mop.""""
"
33303,"A waitress approaches a table full of jews. She asks, """"is anything alright?""""
"
33065,"What do you get the girl who has everything? Penicillin.
"
189197,"There's an ISIS comedy night coming up... I would go but i'm fairly certain they're all going to bomb.
"
146720,"My goal weight: To not look like a """"before"""" picture.
"
248,"Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain.
"
81397,"I have the Emergency Alert Warning sound set as the ringtone for when my wife calls.
"
189208,"Three guys go to a bar They do pull-ups
"
174263,"Did you hear about Donald Trump's porno? It stars Trump himself, a Mexican woman, and a glory hole.
"
167018,"A homeless man staggers into a bar Plot twist... it was soap. He landed a lucrative job shortly thereafter and started sweeping his problems under the rug like the rest of us.
"
113592,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, there's no need for a lightbulb with a glass ceiling.
"
35064,"Why is Monica Lewinsky voting for Donald Trump? Because a Clinton left a very bad taste in her mouth.
"
104326,"There's only one vampire on Sesame Street... At least, only one that counts.
"
54717,"What came before the Big Bang? The Big Foreplay.
"
25709,"What did the boys do ToGetHer? Roam And Tick things..
"
44076,"Why isnt Monica Lewinsky voting for Hillary? The last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.
"
44542,"Turquoise is the best colour. It's been cyantifically proven.
"
218704,"Ever had haggis? I fed it to my dog once.... Poor guy's been licking his asshole for a month, trying to get rid of the taste.
"
21020,"Why couldn't the police solve the case of the flat car battery? They had no leads.
"
229352,"They should name American Pharoah's first offspring """"Regression to the Mean"""" Because, you know, statistics.
"
174920,"How do you spell women backwards? Kitchen
"
44403,"It's called karma, and it's pronounced """"haha! Screw you!""""
"
76333,"What do you call a group of people from Idaho? Deydahoes.
"
86947,"Whats the difference between american women and middle eastern women? American women get stoned before they commit adultery..
"
52691,"What goes """"knio knio?"""" A backward pig.
"
122415,"When someone looks at your baby pictures and jokingly says """"Aww you were so cute! What happened?"""" Bitch, I got sexy,  that's what happened.
"
226571,"What do you call a white girl with a yeast infection? A cracker with cheese.
"
29051,"Life is like a box of chocolates The fatter you are the shorter it lasts
"
196975,"Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
"
177396,"9: My room is clean. Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
"
173540,"I whispered to the wind, and the wind told me to shut up.
"
45759,"Have you ever heard of Ethiopian food? Neither have they.
"
72577,"What did they gay necrophiliac say about his ex-lover? """"That rotten asshole split on me again!""""
"
5073,"Her: What do you do? Me: Global prosthetics distribution. Her: You're an artificial limb salesman? Me: I prefer international arms dealer'.
"
190800,"My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, """"There's an idiot at the end of this ruler!"""" I got detention after asking which end.
"
105594,"You should never accept gift from a German The German/English bilingual crowd should be the safest ;)
"
146812,"The other day I was mocking my wife, """"Why do you wear a bra? You've got nothing to put in it.""""...... Fucking bitch replied, """"You wear briefs, don't you?""""
"
187634,"A man dressed as a harry potter character came up to me and told me he was a zombie. I thought he was kidding, but he was Dead Sirius.
"
226006,"When does a tree want less? When it's sycamore.
"
174830,"It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.
"
43024,"""""you should be more serious, sir. this is arson."""" """"no this is MY son!"""" *tousles his hair* """"ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn""""
"
122444,"Me: I know exactly what's wrong with me, Doctor. Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn't you? Me: NO! Dr: <blink> Me: One TINY Google.
"
76760,"Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I'm trying to watch this with my mom
"
21929,"What kind of tiles can't you stick on  walls ? Reptiles !
"
22900,"I wish I hadn't spoken French to my cat. Now he thinks he's the king of Iran.
"
180761,"[2 dogs eating dinner] """"u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great"""" [stops chewing] """"why does this taste like chocolate""""
"
135532,"Me: One last drink and then I'm off to the petting zoo Her: Aren't you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo? Me: I have kids?
"
192958,"My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath. The walls, too. Yup, and ceiling.
"
98500,"Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
"
126244,"What's the difference between a chickpea and lintel? I've never had a lintel on my chest.
"
106590,"Why Weren't There Many Jokes in the Dark Ages? No one could perform the execution well enough.
"
158687,"What's the difference between a cunt punch and fisting? pants
"
206409,"I gave an elderly hare viagra but it died I guess old rabbits die hard
"
16125,"What is a Mormon's favorite movie? Lord of the Rings
"
206224,"Wuts 9+10 Twenny wun
"
127502,"A drunk was seen by a cop thrusting his hips every couple of steps as he staggered down the road. Cop catches up to him and asks him what he was doing? Drunk says...... Fucking nothing.
"
195792,"The Last Man on Earth I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth. At least I'd find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
"
34596,"Why could Joseph never get anything done? Because he was always Stalin..
"
34745,"How was copper wire invented ? One copper coin, two dwarves.
"
123192,"Q: Does a roller coaster like its work? A: It has its ups and downs.
"
85842,"TIL that soldiers in Vietnam ate small amounts of C4 plastic explosive to get high. No wonder the US defense budget blew up so quickly.
"
22752,"My mum fed me yeast and put me in the oven. Just how I was raised.
"
22440,"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
"
80651,"SHENG WANG: FUN AT THE PARK Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching.
"
207348,"All my life, I thought air was free... ... until I bought a bag of crisps!
"
76715,"Why did the chess master order a Russian bride? He needed a Chech mate!
"
119949,"New study shows that Diarrhea is hereditary... Because it runs in the jeans.
"
211171,"Just burnt my Hawaiian pizza... Guess I should've put it on aloha temperature.
"
197374,"I was sitting there... A lady walked into the bar I asked her """"Did it hurt?""""
"
3910,"What's another name for a boxy plow pulling baby maker? A Mexican. Make America great again! Vote the Donald!
"
8544,"What is Irish and sits on the porch? Patty O'Furniture
"
10441,"Did you know there are only two Lawyer jokes? The rest are all true.
"
167775,"[aliens talking] """"They call it a sel-fee"""" A photograph of oneself? """"Sometimes several"""" But why? """"We have one theory"""" Go on """"They're idiots""""
"
97106,"Have you heard of the restaurant on the moon? great food, no atmosphere
"
47307,"I wasn't sure about having sex with aliens Butt fuck 'et
"
24232,"Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD. Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about? Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items! Blonde 1: What do you need to repair? Blonde 2: My DVD player
"
89493,"A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, """"May I help you with your luggage?"""" The photon responds, """"No thank you. I'm traveling light.""""
"
72171,"What's a horny pirates worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty! *ba dum tssh*
"
178867,"The United Kingdom. A country whose name is now ironic.
"
123587,"What's the best way to prepare a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner? Just be *honest* with it man...
"
42106,"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's an obscure number, you wouldn't know it.
"
36405,"I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
"
163332,"I just got one of those workout watches apparently i've masturbated 5.8 miles today
"
177735,"Bill Clinton rapes a woman... Hillary Clinton then says to him... """"Bill did you rape another woman?"""" Get it? Bill Clinton rapes women....
"
180261,"Why did the mermaid cover her breasts with seashells? She outgrew her B shells.
"
112908,"God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib
"
201988,"What would you do if a kid in your class jumped out of set and took of his shirt, then ran out of the class and hoped onto a segway.
"
110297,"Someone told me the first person you look at after something funny happens is the person you like the most... Good thing I always keep a mirror with me
"
207431,"What kind of sounds does Jaimie Foxx make in the bedroom? No sound at all, the D is silent
"
11072,"I like my women how I like my socks Full of my jizz and forgotten about somewhere
"
186007,"What's the best part of having sex with twenty one year olds? There's twenty of 'em.
"
185987,"what did they call the Mexican after losing a finger minus juan
"
178355,"JOKE - Boy and His Train Set
"
13302,"How many Feminists does it take to change a Light Bulb? Two - One to change the Bulb and one to Blow Me
"
167345,"Dad I have to poo! """"Dad I have to poo!"""" No answer. """"Dad I have to poo!"""" Still no answer. """"Dad I really have to poo!"""" """"OK son, I'm pulling out.""""
"
48803,"Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors? To see the battle.
"
20039,"If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. HA.
"
148367,"My grandfather got his tongue cut out in a POW camp He doesn't like to talk about it.
"
63782,"Just watched some Midget Wrestling. It was a short fight.
"
220602,"Why is God happy? Because every women call his name during sex.
"
225812,"Have you seen the movie - Constipated? No? Why? Cause it hasn't come out yet!
"
102480,"Bumper sticker reads.... Voices inside my tells me everything is going to be ok
"
212029,"I sleep with my glasses on so I can dream up smart shit.
"
94343,"The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
"
223454,"Why are you late? Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.
"
36696,"Why did the Egyptian kid in therapy? Because he thought his daddy was his mummy.
"
214940,"Watching a Kristin Stewart movie. She's being CHASED by ppl who want her DEAD. The CHEESE STICK I'm holding has a more frightened expression
"
52263,"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field
"
25718,"Straight out of Gotham... This building, in the city I live in (in Tianjin, China) looks like it was taken straight out of Gotham City. http://imgur.com/j0RM7h3
"
201814,"What's the difference between a canoe and a Canadian? The canoe tips.
"
229133,"Joke of the Day 6/10/14 A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, """"Is this some kind of joke?""""
"
35947,"Why did the Redditor cross the road? To bask in social approval.
"
212918,"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid 200 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
"
25571,"At the school for the hearing impaired... ...no one can hear you scream!
"
5419,"What does a pig put on his cut? Oinkment
"
150990,"Cannibal one liner A cannibal passed a priest in the woods.
"
163071,"I said to my wife Barb, You make an excellent point.'
"
132084,"Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
"
150879,"Why do they call me an oven? Because when I get turned on things get really hot
"
150651,"Haven't been sleeping well, which is ridiculous cuz I have decades of experience
"
118635,"How long is a Chinese name that isn't a question
"
60988,"What do you do when you stumble upon a one-armed Polish man stuck in a tree? You wave!
"
62971,"Save the cheerleader, save Reddit. 
"
140376,"Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.
"
9391,"Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
"
128004,"Not rewinding VHS movies after watching the nude scenes was the original not clearing your browser history.
"
29478,"People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.
"
201906,"My cousin's a traveller and he lives in a camper van, but he's always wanted to brick up... so he drove on dirt roads until he got a flat.
"
217939,"What did the Gorilla do when he saw the sign 'Clean Washroom'? He cleaned it!
"
98735,"what sex position makes an ugly baby??? ASK YOUR MA!
"
205628,"What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her? ...It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!
"
32402,"Ever step on a Lego and then kill yourself just to make the pain stop?
"
59244,"Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It's like God doesn't trust us to write our own jokes.
"
160053,"Samoa is in 2 time zones Some of those people are living in the past
"
200177,"Why does santa have such a big sack? Cause he only comes once a year.
"
153387,"Panicked when I saw """"Godzilla"""" was trending, until I found out there's a movie.
"
95285,"When you're trying to watch something and your whole family decides to have a competition to see who can be the loudest.
"
121366,"I just got in touch with my inner self today http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2xs04j/today_i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self/
"
95890,"To the cars honking behind me, Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets
"
96797,"What animal would you most like to be on a cold day? A little otter
"
196494,"Wat do you call the entrance to a whore house? A Hodor
"
133599,"What do you call a puppy combined with bread? Well, It's not a purebread anymore.
"
41156,"Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let's dial back that """"It's 4 am!"""" attitude, mmkay?
"
74154,"It's like my racist grandpa used to say: """"Good morning."""" That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn't one of them.
"
157578,"Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
"
1441,"What blood type does a man with bad spelling have? Typo
"
67924,"CNN just said the world is forty trillion dollars in debt. Who the f*ck does the world owe? Jupiter?
"
217032,"I knew the guy who invented the clothes iron. Unfortunately, he died from being ironed on the face. I still remember the iron-y smell of his blood.
"
146704,"TIME TO RETIRE Q: WHEN DOES A PROSTITUTE KNOW IT TIME TO RETIRE? A: WHEN SHE CAN NO LONGER HIDE THE STRETCHMARKS AROUND HER LIPS.
"
119255,"HER: Wow you look great. ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
"
227408,"whats the name of the app? Q: Name the app for which all the USERS must be LOSERS? A: TINDER
"
24309,"What do vegan zombies eat? GRAAAIIINSSS!
"
2307,"Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do.
"
119701,"Did you hear about the women who got wooden breast implants? A punchline would be funny here, Wooden Tit?
"
75278,"What does the son of God do when he is the victim of medical malpractice? Jesus
"
174887,"What is it called when you mix Alcohol and Literature? Tequila Mockingbird. (X-post /r/waterpuns)
"
65448,"Why did the depressed chicken cross the road? To get to the other side :(
"
76023,"When my girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down
"
54689,"How do you get 100 babies into a bucket... With a blender How do you get them out again? With tortilla chips
"
193963,"(NSFW) What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your way into a girls butthole.
"
133904,"With my wife it was sex, sex, sex... Yes, three times in 35 years
"
206629,"Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won't be like before.
"
231242,"A lady came up to me in the middle of the street asking for help So I gave her my AIDS
"
153131,"Autocorrect changed """"you flatter me"""" to """"you flatten me"""" and shit just got really weird.
"
222781,"Have you ever gone camping with Crohn's disease? Shits in tents.
"
121973,"What's the bare minimum? One bear.
"
35243,"How do you save a suicidal procrastinator? Tell them it can probably wait 'til tomorrow.
"
175905,"It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.
"
31968,"Why would someone name a dog """"pistachio""""? Because they're nuts
"
136752,"There's a party in my pants, with an all you can eat buffet, and a VIP entrance in the rear.
"
111489,"4: How do you spell no? Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound? 4: Batman? (Spelling is hard)
"
184229,"Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
"
228860,"A man wearing nothing but cellophane walked into a psychiatrist office.  The doctor said I can clearly see your nuts
"
7460,"Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
"
226634,"Why couldn't G Unit get on the Bus? They did not have 50 Cent.
"
21115,"Women are like Fruits. Every Woman has her own unique taste and color. But The problem is the Men. They seem to love Fruit salad..!!
"
185175,"I don't know about you, but I can't wait to be ashamed about what I do this weekend.
"
63142,"What do you call a an Egyptian crocodile who swears they live in Florida? In da-Nile
"
148977,"Our Uber driver is literally participating in our conversation as if he's a full-fledged part of it. It's odd.
"
58026,"Where do rabbits like to eat breakfast? IHOP!
"
225762,"What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? Tire-less
"
179759,"How does good deodorant smell? Odorable.
"
75195,"How can you tell when a man pumping gas is a male porn star? Right before the gas stops pumping, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
"
83564,"Boy, is my face red! Fingering a suspect means something totally different at the police station, you guys.
"
149061,"I'm in Germany. Time to drink precisely one bier (beer) and call every man """"Hans""""
"
220264,"Your mama's mouth is like a smoke house. Everyone is always hanging their meat in it.
"
67733,"What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?
"
1175,"What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your ass.
"
209281,"I'm no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to fcuk off today you'll feel better.
"
61902,"Your psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you.
"
220693,"What should you never ask at a gay bar? Can I push your stool in?
"
96537,"I was sitting in the library... I was sitting in the library when a black guy came up to me, asking """"Where are the colored printers?"""" I said """"Dude... it's 2014, you can use whichever printer you want""""
"
103054,"What's long and black and dangerous to cut into? The KFC Drive-thru line.
"
210425,"A dad is suspicious, and asks his teenager """"Son, would you pass a drug test right now?"""" """"Sure, I know all about drugs - quiz me!""""
"
31302,"I've got my doctorate in palindromes. I'm now addressed as Dr.Awkward
"
192307,"What is a ghost boxer called? A phantomweight.
"
137187,"Are trees really necessary? They seem kind of arbor-trary.
"
85457,"What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
"
12072,"So my friend gave me half a pie... So i said, """"No that's one pi""""
"
17551,"What percentage of police officers are strippers and what percentage of strippers are police officers? I'm confused.
"
184846,"No thanks Black Friday crowds. I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
"
124719,"Why does wally wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
"
194677,"They are writing a biography about my dick Ok. Ok. A pamphlet.
"
222562,"What do you call a stereotypical flan? A quiche
"
59489,"Women are like a 1000 piece puzzle... Hard to finish in 10minutes
"
202075,"What's white and Irish and sits in your backyard all year? Paddy O'Furniture
"
209426,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bolton ! Bolton who ? Bolton braces !
"
152515,"The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
"
169891,"Yes Yes Yes !!! Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. """"Yes"""" is the answer.
"
71458,"What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job? You know she'll swallow.
"
54866,"What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.
"
150204,"The 'C word' My girlfriend hates it when I say the """"C word"""". This one time, we were watching Spongebob and I'm like """"hey, its 'C word'!"""" and shes like """"it's Squidward, you cunt""""
"
200806,"Why aren't their Mexican Olympics? Because all of the Mexicans that can run,jump,and swim are in America!
"
195344,"Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy
"
116601,"Skrillex! It's your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you've been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
"
22716,"What do you call an angry psychologist? A thera-pissed.
"
15426,"What do they call soda in Rome? Pope.
"
121765,"LPT. Before making any promises to a girl, masturbate twice. It may change your opinion.
"
209529,"I'm allergic to alcohol.... I break out in handcuffs.
"
75702,"*Goes fishing *Catches Spongebob *Hangs him on my wall as a trophy *Too lazy to buy a sponge *Uses Spongebob to clean toilet
"
89090,"Dad goes on date with Carly Rae Jepsen As she got into his car he said """"Hi, Maybe.""""
"
198959,"Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says """"welcome""""...
"
116579,"When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: """"It's done, but there's blood everywhere!""""
"
1214,"Why is Forrest Gump as a young boy without his leg braces like a Samurai without a master? Because everywhere he went, he was Ronin! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll see myself out...
"
2518,"Why did Hitler suicide? He got the gas bill
"
15163,"When I tell people I don't speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home
"
25953,"""""Hey, Cyclops."""" """"Hey, Cyclops, are you still dating Jean?"""" """"No, Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..."""" *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*
"
70905,"What's the best part of being a necrophiliac? In the bedroom, it doesn't take much effort to make your lover's jaw drop.
"
143278,"A guy walks into a grocery store... And buys groceries.
"
225261,"I was straining on the toilet this morning. """"Where's the fucking sieve?"""" asked my wife.
"
216896,"*termites on date* Waiter: what would you like to order, sir? Termite: table for two.
"
18732,"Why do smarter people last longer when having sex? Because it takes twice as long to fuck their brains out
"
207726,"Ever wonder why you don't see the energizer bunny anymore? He got arrested for battery.
"
169251,"No matter which doctor I go to for a general checkup, they all hit me on the knee. I think they get a kick out of it.
"
167184,"Give a man a fish Feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, feed him for the rest of his life.
"
39147,"Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
"
99442,"So I went to a zoo with only one animal... It's a shit-zhu
"
178695,"the united states russia argentina and germany walk into a bar...... germany turns to argentina and says """"hey wanna go into the country with me"""" HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH get it?
"
182470,"Being sick and tired of all the excess fat, one day I decided to burn it off. And then I started running... ..from the police for setting my wife on fire.
"
130845,"What is green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
"
220840,"Finish this joke, """"I am Christian and I believe in science. In fact, I studied Physics at a Catholic University."""" So far I have, """"Physics at a Catholic University? That's like studying... at a ...""""
"
20314,"Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
"
83027,"The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead... """"Hail, Satan""""
"
146483,"What is the easiest way to kill a gaggle of black men? Tie watermelons to the bottom of a lake
"
193343,"What does a priest get when he wants pussy? Nun
"
21882,"Bigfoot, an alien, and a Pilgrim walk into a bar. I need a punch line.
"
40435,"What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it ? Nothing it just let out a little wine !
"
21338,"The story of Kanye West Kanye West divorced his Kanye Pest, now it's just him and his kid in his Kanye Nest, Now he won't get his Kanye Rest to be his Kanye Best at the Kanye Test.
"
39333,"Dear Pope, Religion and birth control are more compatible than you may think. Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.
"
30286,"Peyton Manning walks into a bar. ... to watch the Super Bowl.
"
170552,"What is E.T. short for? So he can fit on a spaceship.
"
224608,"What do you call an Italian mobster who specializes in cold coffee drinks? Al Frap-Pacino
"
169727,"Schrodingers cat walks into a bar with no windows alone eventually he walks out drunk and sober.
"
28037,"[pharmacy] """"Can I help you?"""" Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this? *lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
"
180164,"Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is fucked up.
"
141321,"What does the ISIS member say about telling good jokes? """"It's all in the execution.""""
"
141827,"How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
"
33268,"This redditor is so N00b... He pondered for several hours as to why people in his comments thread kept calling his submission """"Overpowered""""
"
31484,"what was adam's nickname for eve? prime rib
"
199744,"Why haven't we found aliens yet ? because they are searching for intelligent life too.
"
22951,"What do you call a robot dressed in drag? A transition metal.
"
170028,"How do you know when your best friend is gay? [NSFW] His dick tastes like shit.
"
139296,"A pirate walks into a bar The bartender says """"Hey, you have a steering wheel in your pants."""" """"Aye,"""" the pirate replies. """"It's drivin' me nuts!""""
"
231512,"I am trisexual I'll tri sex with anyone
"
211047,"Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove it wasn't a chicken!
"
150579,"I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I'll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.
"
212851,"Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? Because when he asked them who the greatest composer was all they would say is """"mmmmmm... Bach Bach Bach""""!
"
126972,"US disasters and tragedies You'd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds... oh wait...
"
30550,"What do you do when your wife is blocking view of the TV? Go to the kitchen and shorten her chain.
"
215778,"To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013,  it did fuck all. For 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers...Cheers!
"
138933,"I would tell you a leech joke. . . But it would suck anyway
"
32206,"[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive [penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
"
198368,"God, Clark Gable's performance in """"Gone With the Wind"""" sucked... ...It's like he didn't even give a damn.
"
57492,"Mathematicians have found a new, advanced strand of Ebola... called Hyper-bola I'm sorry :(
"
215448,"Customer: Why is this sandwich half eaten?  Waiter: I didn't have time to finish it.
"
57904,"Why did the Cephalopod get coal for christmas? Because he was on the nautilust.
"
226302,"Enhanced interrogation idea: If waterboarding isn't working, try having my mother brush their hair.
"
142838,"It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.
"
68720,"So I've Been Making this Joke About Alkaline Metals Recently... I'ts been getting a lot of good reactions!
"
48656,"How is the iPhone 6 like /r/gonewild? They both give you tightness in the pants. I'll see myself out...
"
25931,"What if you woke up with amnesia and all you could remember was your Facebook password and you had to discover who you  were based on your statuses?
"
1049,"People who say """"in and of itself"""" are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
"
162778,"What do you call someone who stands on the left side of an escalator? A fucking asshole.
"
76392,"I bet most Braille on public signs says: """"How did you know this was here?""""
"
165427,"I'm 291 away from having 3000 followers on Twitter and 8 away from having 10 friends in real life.
"
200473,"What did the group of unborn babies say when they were hungry? Fetus.
"
14506,"When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
"
85658,"What music do cats prefer? Deadmau5
"
118437,"ppl: are u sick? me: no, im just ugly
"
208249,"Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something. So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and told her, """"You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow"""".
"
77364,"Just spent another day totally agreeing with everything pretty girls say.
"
121509,"Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
"
52291,"How much does a plumber make in an hour? It depends on how much crack he can produce.
"
103352,"[inventing humans] god: """"they should have complete control of their tongue"""" angel: """"um ok"""" god: """"let me finish.. except when using scissors""""
"
188609,"Why do black people have white palms? (NSFW) Because everybody needs a little good in them. *Found in my Spanish text book in 6th grade... kids man
"
18537,"She can't leave if you're wearing all of her clothes.
"
12124,"Gas dropped to 77 cents a gallon in some places in Michigan. But don't bother, it was leaded.
"
173093,"[SCIENCE FAIR] ME: It's a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts. PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids. OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
"
12720,"Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house? Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
"
147118,"i bet white supremacists just get off on the charcoal briquettes turning white.
"
209661,"Wiping with only one square of toilet paper is a meditative experience.... You really get in touch with your inner self.
"
20294,"Put my grandma on speed dial Call that Instagram. My friend told me this a little while ago.
"
227882,"What does the tree says in autumn ? Leaf me alone.
"
119420,"Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat's been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
"
173528,"My daughter asked me what it was like when I was a kid, so I took away all her electronics and made her play with a Rubik's cube.
"
59830,"I ordered girlfriend from Thailand who thinks small penis isn't an obstacle for relationship. Now I just have to get used to that she has one.
"
105876,"Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
"
26347,"So this morning my fiance rolls over and says ,""""honey I think I have a fever this morning."""" To which I reply, """"pics or didn't happen.""""
"
46170,"The ONLY reason I'm voting for Hillary Clinton George Soros :(
"
15872,"""""As long as you append my name to a quote,... people would buy into it and take it seriously."""" - Winston Churchill
"
59442,"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my uncle Charlie Not kicking and screaming like the passengers on his bus
"
137879,"I predict that in the year 2050 the only people who will have tramp stamps will be grandmas. Thus they will be referred to as granny stamps.
"
193466,"Don't move, I know what I'm doing. *takes a nap
"
97299,"Why was the computer programmer single? Because he couldn't commit.
"
50426,"Where do polar bears go to deposit money? A snowbank
"
31478,"""""Be patient."""" - Mr Miyagi telling Daniel how to bang a nurse
"
147302,"Grandma: 'And that's how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home' Me: 'So you haven't seen my scarf?'
"
225434,"Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!
"
107916,"How many 210 lb policemen does it take to throw a 140 lb suspect down 3 flights of stairs? None, he fell.
"
164902,"Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
"
109445,"Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
"
65066,"A Psychic Buying Clothes Employee: How about this one? Psychic: That shirt is too small. Employee: You didn't even try it on. Psychic: I'm a medium.
"
192135,"Where does a shoulder work? In the army.
"
186917,"My favorite types of jokes are dead baby jokes; They never get old.
"
29512,"What do you call a crush on a fat person? An inFATuation
"
32943,"I'll never be friends with the girl who brings a bottle of sparkling water to the gym.
"
113002,"Why does Indiana Jones hate the letters ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWX and Y Because they're not Zs. Sorry.
"
230942,"Two Guys Peeing off a bridge- One guy looks over at the other- """"Man, This water is Cold! """"Yeah...It's deep, Too-
"
69441,"How do shellfish get high? At a clam bake
"
119208,"I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio's friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg...
"
1957,"Happiness is like peeing in your pants ...everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.
"
26703,"Q: What do termites eat for breakfast? A: Oakmeal.
"
74301,"Who is your's Your Father's- Mother's- daunghter-in-law's husband is your?
"
155676,"So, a bird flies in front of a pitcher and gets hit by a baseball. What do the umpires rule it? Fowl ball
"
89747,"What do priests and christmas trees have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.
"
72561,"What's the difference between a feminist and a trash bin? The trash gets taken out once a week.
"
12764,"Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
"
66155,"What do you call a robotic priest? The Sermonator.
"
146684,"[chiropractor] Dr., your client Tony is here -Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap Yes -Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
"
202495,"Why did the Kenyans win the marathon? They heard there was water at the end
"
70329,"What is an injured persons favorite movie? Cast Away
"
155607,"Women are like credit cards The ones I really want have a low interest and won't qualify me, so I get stuck with one that has a high interest, extra fees and no rewards. *(credit: Uncyclopedia)*
"
49733,"Did you hear about the cross-eyed carpenter? He *literally* can't even.
"
191399,"I just invented a new word! It's called """"plagiarism"""".
"
146411,"Remember Kids! Friendly fire, isn't.
"
216720,"Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
"
49988,"Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
"
225107,"If you're American outside of the bathroom, what are you inside it? European
"
155880,"Vodka is just potatoes that made the right career choices.
"
184959,"Why do we have to listen to a 45 second instructional to leave someone a voice mail? Beep, talk. We get it, condescending cell companies.
"
57971,"What's the one thing a black person will never steal? Your job.
"
147722,"Happy Thanksgiving Reddit! Let us all give thanks to the day Jesus ate turkey with the pilgrims.
"
28269,"Cancer cures smoking.
"
198,"What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
"
208867,"This lady just said she's naming her baby Nevaeh b/c its Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.
"
65893,"What do you call memories of old Playstation? Sony-stalgia
"
6484,"I've got a new aardvark. Would you like to play with him? I don't really know. I've heard it growling it doesn't sound very friendly. Does it bite? That's what I want to find out.
"
30240,"""""Is this your resume?"""" Yes """"It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away?"""" Yes """"Welcome to UPS!""""
"
164554,"I put my phone on airplane mode. Now I can't find it.
"
169925,"Ghosts never write encouraging stuff on my mirror. It's always """"KILL"""" or """"MURDER"""" or """"YOU'RE OUT OF NUTELLA""""
"
122683,"Hey I really like you. I wanted to know if you'd like to gradually grow to despise each other over the next 4-5 years.
"
64269,"""""There's a horse in my leg?! Why are you taking out my Adam's Apple? What's wrong with my nose?""""- Guy from 'Operation'
"
112356,"Ted told me i'm a dick... I said i'm not addicted.
"
208368,"Dr: your father is real sick Woman: [sobbing] how long? [her dad wheelies past on a bmx] Dr: almost six yards that time
"
161394,"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopuss.
"
112370,"[interview at winery] What strengths do you bring to the job? *long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now
"
178671,"Jesus was on his way from heaven to Earth for the Second Coming, but his car broke down along the way. He was driving a Chrysler.
"
121460,"What do scientists and vegetables have in common? Stephen Hawking
"
26129,"Can't afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
"
4718,"What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes? Social netwerking
"
88950,"Whats a similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist? They both smell it, but they can't eat it.
"
123223,"If the Dukes of Hazard were black... the show would be named COPS.
"
154618,"I'm not condescending! Try and count how many times I've been condescending! Exactly; you can't cause you're a dumbass.
"
45132,"Dear Oral-B You forget the J
"
72874,"How do you tell if a girl is ticklish? You give her a test-tickle.
"
145116,"No one is listening until you fart.
"
57793,"Q: What do you call dirt? A: Dirty.
"
163077,"A fish is swimming down a river when it hits its head on a big wall of stone and says """"dam.""""
"
87917,"Here's a really old one I
"
1112,"What's the definition of a redneck virgin? A 7 year-old girl who can run faster than her brothers.
"
71006,"What do banks and the US government have in common? They both deal with checks and balances.
"
111958,"Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say... """"I made coffee""""
"
55414,"Please stop telling me how poor you are via Twitter for iPhone
"
123673,"How many idiots does it take to change a light bulb? Five - one to hold the bulb, and four to turn his ladder
"
73786,"(Q)...... What was the difference between Bill Clinton &amp; Monica Lewinsky's dry-cleaners? (A)...... Clinton wouldn't come clean.
"
79360,"Why wouldn't the four month old African stop crying? He was going through a midlife crisis
"
205364,"I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. """"You'll die too,"""" I say. """"9 lives,"""" my cat whispers, lighting a match.
"
219067,"""""911 what's your emergency?"""" MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! """"Okay. I'll send the police"""" *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY """"AT MARIOKART""""
"
109882,"Some bought Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for his birthday He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
"
170959,"The worst restaurant in the world is """"wherever you wanna go is fine with me.""""
"
44122,"I fainted at an Indian restaurant when I found out that R.E.M had split up That's me in the korma.
"
6217,"My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
"
64762,"What do you call a Mexican who lost his car ? Carlos.
"
210966,"Reddit users love reading the same thing again and again. Here's proof....
"
5593,"""""You know what? Guys should play ALL the parts. We could even wear dresses and kiss and stuff."""" - Shakespeare's gay friend
"
208941,"What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a kidney bean on my face.
"
220653,"A german walks into a bar and orders one martini. The bartender asks: """"Dry?"""" The German replies """"No, one you dumbass!""""
"
195096,"Haiku of the week """"James, you have Tourette's."""" """"I'm afraid there is no cure."""" """"Fuck! Shit! Cunt!"""" said James.
"
179206,"I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
"
211454,"Why does Santa never visit Jewish families on Christmas? Jew's houses dont have chimneys, they already fell for going into a house with them once! [NSFW]
"
32673,"What do you call a stand-up comedian with no legs? A prop comic
"
15262,"What's the difference between a Maine girl and a moose? 15 lbs and a flannel shirt.
"
164289,"How do you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber? Ask them to pronounce 'Unionized'.
"
83304,"What does a 72 year old snatch taste like? Depends...
"
75193,"Tonight's bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.
"
21308,"I'm coming down the home stretch of the semester... its getting tough, my work is starting to pile up faster then the rape allegations against Bill Cosmy
"
12903,"TIL Harriet Tubman wasn't a real person. It was just what the slaves shouted to each other on the Underground Railroad, """"Hurry it up, man!"""" Credit: my wife
"
200265,"What's the difference between toilet paper and a knife? Oh, you don't know? I won't ask you to wipe my bum then.
"
121546,"What is the difference between joghurt and America? If you leave joghurt alone for 200 years, it will grow a culture!
"
15111,"Doctor: """"You have a blockage in your small & large intestine"""" Barista: ... Barista: ... Doctor: *Sigh* """"Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.""""
"
202873,"I'm very anti-slavery, but boy do I hate laundry.
"
103838,"I can't afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
"
190332,"You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
"
72409,"When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can't open my eyes under water
"
118724,"[Mesozoic era] God: if u can't spell ur name you're going extinct Jellyfish: seems fair Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit
"
201637,"Why do women over 40 don't play hide and seek? Because nobody is looking for them.
"
139295,"[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist] """"He was literally kermit the frog""""
"
143763,"old one's are the best. that's why i'm barred from the care home.
"
157372,"ENTER PASSWORD > bench85 PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN. > bench285 BRO!
"
204934,"Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I've been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
"
10894,"My friend and I went to a guitar clinic recently. He really seemed to be into it. I guess it struck a chord with him.
"
48740,"Why couldn't the alligator send e-mails on his PC? Because it was on old croc.
"
211823,"So they have warning signs for drivers to look out for pedestrians on their cell phone now. Put up warning signs for pedestrians that the driver might be looking at their cellphone. Problem solved
"
23036,"How to break into comedy Crack a joke
"
151395,"The toilet felt abandoned... ... but pubic cares :) sorry... I just had to.
"
212665,"Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
"
213729,"What do Hillary Clinton supporters and Eminem have in common? When you tell them that you want to see proof, all they can do is tell you about it!
"
178370,"Most guys think i look like an angel... because they don't see me.
"
40969,"A guy types """"lower case is for the lower class people"""" someone else replies with """"I guess that makes you a capitalist""""
"
30504,"I asked my sister how her blind date went """"Oh it was terrible"""" she said, """"He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce."""" """"So what's so bad about *that*?"""" I asked. Apparently he was the original owner.
"
206233,"what lies dead, a hundred feet in the air? a dead centipede
"
157261,"Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.
"
163963,"You don't really know someone until you get drunk with them
"
64906,"I went to Russia, met a guy called Vladislav * **Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.**
"
17700,"Time to ban High Capacity Assault Vehicles? how else could we stop this?
"
26569,"Which one is the odd one out; monopoly, rape, incest? Rape. It's not a family game.
"
41274,"My GF was brutal when we moved. Told me anything not used in the past 6 months had to go... I just looked down and gave my condolences
"
48601,"What happened to the tyrannical fruit? He was impeached!
"
17198,"You got some jokes? What are some good jokes you know? I would prefer ones that aren't too raunchy.
"
163080,"What's the fastest cake in the world?  Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngue.
"
4463,"SNAKE: im gonna bite you SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy S: wha- SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me? S: *blushes* well not anymore
"
46048,"Neutrinos """"Sorry we don't serve neutrinos,"""" says the barman. A neutrino walks into a bar.
"
94156,"If the opposite of con is pro... ...the opposite of constitution has to be prostitution.
"
157950,"I hear that you're supposed to learn from your mistakes Probably why I'm an only child.
"
160483,"Why didn't the rest of the fractions like """"mc"""" very much? Because he was generally known to be a square(ed).
"
29226,"What do sex in a canoe and American beer have in common? They're both fucking close to water.
"
147766,"How did Helen Keller burn her ear off She answered the iron
"
185665,"Samsung users are like... """"Im glad Samsung is finally blowing up.""""
"
55603,"Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
"
130307,"You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.
"
24270,"REALLY GOOD JOKE!!!! DON'T CLICK! NSFW Lemkie
"
123175,"""""Tell me the story behind each of your tattoos."""" -No one, ever
"
210191,"One. How many time travelers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"
219128,"I just don't understand how to properly put together a play on words I think I'm just going to throw away my script for *The Dictionary in the Attic: An Anne Frank story*
"
200205,"Schools are reporting a massive jump in average ACT scores. On a completely unrelated note, the amount of black students taking the ACT is at a all time low.
"
126888,"When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
"
123593,"From my 8 year old: What's brown and rhymes with poop? Snoop Dogg
"
99159,"will you marry me? no, marry Christmas!
"
153834,"Why was the violist standing outside the door? He didn't know when to come in
"
21845,"My roommate from California was homesick So I stole his water bottle to make him feel more at home.
"
24666,"Why did the man commit suicide by helium suffocation? He wanted to go out on a high note.
"
164231,"So buddy, how's life in North Korea? I can't complain.
"
101293,"I tried this new oral contraceptive I asked a girl to have sex with me and she said no
"
187902,"I walked into a gas station and asked, """"Can I have a Kit-Kat chunky?"""" The lady behind the counter came back with a Kit-Kat Chunky. I said, """"No, I wanted a normal Kit-Kat you fat bitch.""""
"
22563,"I named my dick """"The Truth"""" Because bitches can't handle it.
"
145021,"What did the serial killer say before he killed his victim? cheerio.
"
199492,"What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath.
"
135174,"Peter Parker was lucky that radioactive spider bit his hand not his ass or he'd have shot out web every time he farted.
"
6205,"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
"
1625,"My friend didn't understand my poorly timed holocaust joke. So he asks me, """"What's a holocaust?"""" And I reply """"Oh, about eleven million""""
"
206144,"Fighting dumb people with irony is like throwing stones at tanks. You can do that, but you achieve nothing from it.
"
129749,"Why didn't the lipid ask for water He wasn't carbohydrated
"
50178,"A really big joke... r/jokes
"
61429,"Sending 17 text messages explaining why you're not crazy seems a little counterintuitive.
"
93894,"Him: I love nerd girls Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene? Him: no. not like that.
"
26333,"My GPS sighs and rolls its eyes every time it says """"Recalculating"""".
"
143745,"[praying mantis first date] Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
"
215881,"What do you call a vietnamese turkey? Gobbledy gook.
"
162975,"The bible says you can't buy your way into heaven but there isn't a church in the country that won't encourage you to try.
"
2538,"When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that """"totally weird"""" text you got from your ex last night.
"
42271,"What's the difference between a slut and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
"
169006,"What did the druggie scientist say when he got high on Helium? He He
"
170073,"What's the difference between tumblr and a gun? The gun has only one trigger
"
225228,"Remember the undies with the days of the week on them, Monday, Tuesday....? In Romania we had something similar, our girls on their undies had January, February....
"
87364,"Do you know what my dad and Brad Pitt have in common? Neither came to my birthday party
"
196357,"What do you call the slimy stuff between dinosaurs' toes? Slow cavemen.
"
12986,"If you ever see a creepy clown... Go for the juggler
"
200908,"I asked my friend in North Korea how it was there. He said he cant complain...
"
116692,"It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
"
62269,"I have spent the past year looking for my ex's killer. but no one would do it.
"
213769,"You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
"
220083,"Poke joke Knock knock? who's there? Shaymin. Shaymin who? Shame in you!
"
207671,"Waiter are there snails on the menu ! Yes sir they must have escaped from the kitchen !
"
139500,"Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
"
183274,"How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to change the bulb.
"
71178,"What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
"
31289,"How do you think the unthinkable? With an ithberg!
"
196467,"The best part about being single is only having to say """"I'm sorry"""" to the dog.
"
31436,"Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? A. Three if you slice them very thinly.
"
229529,"Ugh, I hate social media. (please validate this opinion via social media)
"
99428,"What did the monkey say when he was throwing his feces? This shit is bananas!
"
110758,"I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
"
166785,"What do Monica Lewinsky and NFL players both have in common? It's their knees that go first.
"
178453,"a guy got an Interview for a job with EA Boss: the second part of your resume is missing Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$ Boss: welcome on board
"
25865,"What do you call a pair of identical twins who are stewardesses? Hostess Twinkies
"
89703,"So anyway, one of my favorite pastimes is not drowning.
"
6729,"How do you spell hypocrisy? R-E-L-I-G-I-O-N
"
219364,"Son : Dad.... This movie is so scary... Is that woman going to die?? Dad : Judging by the size of that horse's dick, Yes she is
"
136905,"A feminist claims that she is independent enough to pay for her own bills And then she complains when her boyfriend doesn't pay for dinner
"
40939,"I eat a lot of grapes. I'm basically a wino with no patience.
"
26491,"Why was Jesus so ripped? because he did crossfit...
"
133171,"They say one person in every group of friends is gay. I hope it's Ben, he's really cute.
"
80104,"Does anyone know what subreddit """"your mamma"""" jokes are in? Jk.
"
31672,"Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.
"
168782,"Where do footballers dance ? At a football !
"
43480,"Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied 'er!
"
132123,"Dammit, this spermicide didn't work at all. My kids are still here and now they won't stop whining about their eyes burning
"
27452,"What do you call a Jew with no chance of getting ahead? Bernie Sanders.
"
150815,"Bad joke I made up Where do black people stay when they visit Alaska? A nigloo
"
132843,"A lot of guys found Princess Leia attractive... ...but for me she ticks Alderaan boxes.
"
127035,"What's black and doesn't work? A quadriplegic chimney sweep.
"
56904,"Why are people afraid of Donald Trump? Because he's run more buildings into the ground than Al-Qaeda.
"
112125,"the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
"
34683,"If being sexy is a crime then I'm not committing one.
"
17352,"Who handles font related crimes? A sans sheriff!
"
212758,"I hate when waitresses flirt with me.. I can't tell if they just want the tip or if they want just the tip.
"
39805,"How to stop pedophilia worldwide? Kill all the children.
"
7541,"What do you call a chiropractor in Egypt? A cairopractor.
"
9751,"A cop pulls a guy over for speeding on a slow day Cop: """"I've been waiting for you all day."""" Driver: """"Sorry, officer. I got here as fast as I could.""""
"
152000,"JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my...cat
"
73288,"(Joke Request) A joke about penicillin I'm looking for a joke about penicillin to start off a presentation on a light note anything PG will be appreciated :)
"
69427,"Cholo What did the cholo say when two houses fell on him? """"Get off me, homes!"""" My brother heard this on Tosh.
"
190078,"I was born short Thankfully I grew out of that phase.
"
177439,"Relationship or hallucination... Either way, I'm seeing someone
"
128980,"I saw the army of Lichtenstein the other day. He was a really nice guy.
"
140537,"I think Jesus is black. Because he's supposed to be our father and hasn't come back yet.
"
161619,"""""Your password is weak"""" You're the weak one And you'll never know love Or friendship And I feel sorry for you
"
151768,"This is my best knock-knock joke *""""Knock Knock""""* """"Who's there"""" *""""Whoo""""* """"Whoo-hoo"""" *""""Happy to see me?""""*
"
131275,"""""It's good but it's not right."""" Roy Walker having sex with a corpse.
"
131705,"The Millionaire by Ivor Fortune
"
45085,"In LGBTQ families... We need more transparency.
"
404,"I like my women like I like my coffee... I don't fucking like coffee.
"
137867,"The Ugly Hag by Ida Face
"
65483,"What is the digestive system? The digestive system is a system which starts with one hole and ends with one hole
"
167703,"I won't undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.
"
123714,"Why would two melons in love hate their parents? Because they cantaloupe. =D.....=).....=|......='(
"
130716,"Why is a burning candle like being  thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them !
"
113426,"What's the one thing a woman wants most in this world? Nothing, she's fine
"
24227,"I knew a guy who bowled a three hundred and one How do you bowl a 301? Do you know anyone who has bowled a 300 and lost?
"
149517,"Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
"
70646,"Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret? The panties were half off
"
86225,"How many short term memory loss patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? to get to the other side..
"
26366,"I thought I saw someone I knew putting up Rick Santorum posters but I couldn't get a propaganda at him.
"
192909,"A young boy speeding way above speed limit. He got pulled over by a cop. Cop:""""I've been waiting all day to catch someone like you."""" Boy:""""I know sir, I got here as fast as I could.""""
"
55273,"What's the difference between a white Jew and a black Jew? Black Jews have to get in the back of the oven.
"
199801,"Little known fact: Most Star Wars' space fights filmed in a church Pew Pew Pew
"
221701,"Weird how it's always the women with multiple muffin tops wearing the tightest tank tops money can buy
"
73586,"AMA I left the Church of Scientology two weeks ago [Deleted]
"
73883,"I just accidentally opened the door for a jehovah's Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
"
130452,"What's Brian David Mitchell's favorite movie? Get Smart
"
84280,"What do Jews get at night during the holocaust? Not z's
"
210746,"A man walks into a bar He says """"Ow!""""
"
221306,"""""On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you're in charge."""" - my advice to new teachers
"
87687,"There are 3 kinds of people in this world Those who can count and those who can't.
"
163763,"Q: Why was six scared of seven? A: Because seven """"ate"""" nine.
"
3530,"[candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition.
"
205724,"*travels back to 1930's* okay and that's why you've got to kill hitler FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
"
101761,"What did the cop say to Boris Yosanavich after pulling him over for speeding? Quit Russian.
"
223984,"What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb
"
124454,"Why did the chicken end up in the soup ? Because it ran out of cluck !
"
161541,"what do people in the German Alps say before they are about to do something crazy? YO-da-lay-hee-LO
"
2650,"I remember 2016 As if it were a normal year.
"
133279,"my uber driver said today, """"I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."""" Then I said, """"Turn left""""
"
152999,"What does the sun skate on? Solarblades
"
215894,"Ann: I wanna break up Ed: why? A: you use time travel to manipulate me E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this? A: well... Hey!
"
150147,"What do you do if an Elephant comes through your window? Swim for your life!
"
170562,"A Roman walks into a bar an orders a martinus. """"You mean a martini?"""" asks the bartender. The Roman replies, """"If I wanted more than one I would have said martini""""
"
75517,"I don't like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
"
180187,"What did the pop can become when it finished high school? A graduated cylinder.
"
178402,"Classic Russian Reversal Old one, but I still find it funny: In America, you go out to find a party. In Soviet Union, party finds you!
"
185590,"Why are Women like buses? You wait all day for one then find out 48 other people in the local area have been riding on her.
"
124259,"Never do a parachute jump with your girlfriend... Do it with a parachute.
"
156235,"I hate passive-aggressive people. _You know what you did_
"
26564,"After a klose game with messi challenges and neuer goal scoring opportunities, ze Germans kept their cool and gotze World Cup that they deserved!
"
175749,"Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I'm going home now.
"
9980,"If you see a swarm of jellyfish, DO NOT enter the ocean. It's a no-brainer.
"
110405,"Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
"
88432,"Son asked me what a cowlick is To which I replied, thats what you call giving oral to Adele.
"
102314,"What does a white trash girl say after sex? Get off me, Dad. You're squishing my smokes.
"
216301,"I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.
"
197018,"Do you know about Bassist heaven? I've never heard of it
"
131552,"Earth is indeed bipolar, but it's not a disorder.
"
128427,"Thinking about opening a restaurant for breast cancer survivors. It's called Hooter.
"
56682,"Who is Joseph Kony's favorite rapper? Soulja Boy
"
931,"They're remaking Ocean's 11 with an all-female cast and it's gonna be called Ocean's 8 It's that damn wage gap I tell ya!
"
66755,"Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium BATMAN!
"
175717,"I don't understand why death row inmates are given their choice of meal before they're executed. """"I have to die tomorrow, but I get TACOS!""""
"
185583,"Why do Native Americans hate snow? It's white and on their land.
"
319,"What do you call kangarooo jump and play hocky? the fam copter
"
189018,"[Trying to impress a girl on a date] Me: """"Not to brag but I'm getting Windows 10 for free.""""
"
176313,"My muslim neighbour invited me to this 'jihad party' he organised Everyone had a blast!
"
117013,"Why do people say half a dozen? Why can't they just say Six
"
96555,"I ate a donkey steak today It tasted like ass
"
157043,"No Carl, I said """"lick her"""" not wicker. Put the patio furniture away.
"
141699,"What do you call an intersection where a lot of Asians cross? A cross-wok.
"
187837,"I'm in the middle of inventing emo playing cards. You have to shuffle them, but afterwards the deck cuts itself.
"
180628,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Annabel ! Annabel who ? Annabel would be useful on this door !
"
16555,"The Bible wouldn't sound so preachy if every commandment was followed by the word """"dude.""""
"
107172,"What does Wayne Gretzky's wife call him? """"Wayne""""
"
147523,"I had a friend who got fired working in a urine testing lab.... he wouldn't say why but personally, I think, it was because he was taking the piss...
"
25944,"[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] """"OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?"""" *ducks try to play it cool*
"
7581,"Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member? He went around killing gingers.
"
72594,"I always hang on the rim after I dunk because it's really high up and I'm scared.
"
63109,"Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it's like...I don't care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
"
99456,"Be carful guys, I read about a new app and if you use it you'll get a virus. Have you heard of Tinder?
"
73832,"I was doing manual handling training at work today. I've been picking it up really well.
"
63852,"What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A CARROT
"
175776,"Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn't want to see 3 lava lamps
"
83257,"Why can't women ski? there's no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.
"
89712,"I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.
"
106636,"I once raised a roof, and now that he's all grown up he never writes or calls.
"
117786,"Kenyan men are the best at long distance relationships.
"
34111,"Mexico is now the world's fattest nation, is plagued by gun violence, and has a big problem with illegal immigrants crossing their southern border... I guess they became Americans after all.
"
27019,"What kind of overalls does Mario wear? denimdenimdenim
"
82107,"What would you call an indian dating site? connect the dots
"
56212,"Him: Let's get you out of that dress. Me: Be careful Him: Why? Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I'll pop open like a can of biscuits.
"
165569,"I see fewer cats on my front page. I've been told that Curiosity killed them.
"
159998,"I once had a large gay following. But then I ducked into an alley and lost him.
"
92936,"I only like brown rice not white rice. I think that makes me a ricist.
"
217772,"What do you call a muscular Arab A protein sheikh
"
154623,"Don't understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
"
133588,"Why are Scientology and Proctology alike? It's all a load of shit.
"
26178,"Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
"
115100,"What do you call an aborted baby Spawn Kill
"
152100,"Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing
"
33254,"Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn't enough.
"
124314,"Sexist Joke alert why do they say Lady's first? because its the best for last
"
127884,"Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
"
227142,"[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy] *raises hand* What if I draw a peanut on her napkin? Wife: Please go wait in the car
"
147500,"A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says I don't have a headache!"""" He says """"Aha!""""
"
6369,"Why do physicists love going to church It's the center of mass
"
135464,"I heard my idiot friend talk about inequality the other day and I couldn't help but draw some parallels. :)
"
185174,"Finally made it with a Chinese midget .. It didn't last Tu Long though
"
80417,"What do you call a haughty criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
"
156290,"wonder why's theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap
"
45594,"If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out
"
25677,"Keep calm and stop making different versions of that """"keep calm"""" poster.
"
17611,"How many black people does it take to change a light bulb? You can't tell it's in the dark
"
163684,"Doctor Doctor I'm a burglar! Have you taken anything for it?
"
226516,"why was 6 afraid of 7 because 789
"
125060,"If apples grow on an apple tree, where do chickens grow? A poultry
"
45370,"A couple of cats and dogs were seen wearing crowns. I think they're reigning cats and dogs.
"
153532,"It's so annoying when you're trying to poison someone but they're just not thirsty :(
"
61302,"Dicks are like LAYS potato chips... No one ever sucks JUST ONE!!
"
59525,"A journalist is interviewing a five hundred pound man with paper thin skin who is getting a full body skin transplant. The reporter asks if he is excited. He says, """"I can barely contain myself!""""
"
87667,"Two cows were in a field. One cow says, """"Mooooo."""" The other says, """"Jerk. I was going to say that.""""
"
217279,"I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
"
152990,"Why Was Tigger looking in the toilet?? ... He was looking for Pooh!
"
52609,"This map of Africa is so authentic, it has no borders, it just says """"Hey guys, can someone fucking help us?"""" across the entire thing.
"
152405,"There are two kinds of people in the world... Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
"
151362,"What kind of tree would have the best bark? Dogwood. Don't you dare judge me, it was on my popsicle stick. :P
"
51184,"I hope you're using all the time you save by saying """"totes"""" instead of a """"totally"""" to learn a trade.
"
26842,"A comedian walks into a club and says the punchline.
"
203112,"[interrogation] Bad Cop: *face way too close to Shakira's waistline* tell me what I want to know
"
172323,"Of all the millions of candidates in history, it figures that Hitler would be the one to keep his campaign promises.
"
123902,"Why don't you play UNO with a Mexican? Because they steal all the green cards
"
36516,"Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
"
172171,"a waiter walks up to a table of yentas and asks, """"is ANYTHING alright?""""
"
223286,"Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
"
214244,"*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
"
25948,"Did you hear about the guy that got shot in the back of the head in a movie theater? He was sitting in front of pee wee herman.
"
95929,"There was 30 cows in a field and 20 8(ate) how many didn't? 10
"
112405,"So I had sex with this Asian girl the other day... She didn't speak much English, but I think she liked it. She kept on screaming """"Wong Ho! Wong Ho!""""
"
194393,"Why is Iran called Iran? Because when I saw the bombs, I*ran*
"
93613,"Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.
"
75197,"A man is like a spider.... when he is on the web, he is bound to get his hands sticky....
"
99723,"I think my cat is a communist. He keeps saying """"Mao""""
"
81198,"I wanted to make a joke about the new Call of Duty... ...but there are already infinite of them So here's a Battlefield one instead
"
144783,"What's the difference between a mathematician and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family.
"
227598,"(Adobe CEO's house) Like the new couch hun? Update it. What about the wallpap... UPDATE IT ALL. You're scaring the ki... UPDATE THEM TOO...
"
152821,"Last requests After I die, I have 2 requests on what shall happen to me. 1) I want my remains spread around Disney world. 2) I do not wish to be cremated
"
60125,"'100% Yes!' '1000% Yes!!' '1,000,000% Yes!!!' I wish the X Factor judges would stop trying to top each other... and just top themselves.
"
95461,"I always hate going into my cousin's house. He vapes e-cigarettes constantly... ...so whenever I leave there, I end up smelling like an ashlesstray.
"
170292,"Don't believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won't actually stick to someone's face.
"
94404,"Using a pencil to vote in the 2015 General Election... As safe an option as letting Jimmy Saville volunteer in a Kids Hospital.
"
175615,"How do dolphins send messages? By sea-mail.
"
146065,"Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Neither have they.
"
82095,"You thought i would bring up an old meme from 5 years ago? Nope, Chuck Testa
"
225950,"What do frogs do when they are depressed? They Kermit suicide.
"
142972,"My brother and I both like our women like our coffee... He likes them hot and black. I like them cold and bitter.
"
52564,"What color is a baby in the microwave? I wouldn't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate
"
163115,"How do you make a dead baby float? 2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
"
181170,"One How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
"
178581,"I never thought that the Internet was very  useful but now I've changed my mind. Let's hope your new one works better then the one you had before.
"
68061,"I remember when I was a kid... ... I was only about 10 years old and my grandmother took me out for a wonderful seafood meal. I'll never forget it. A great mussell memory.
"
123668,"What happened to the fireman who let the house burn? He got fired.
"
50693,"The Class of 2019
"
28692,"People need to realize that racism is a complicated is a complicated issue It isn't just black and white
"
17583,"The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
"
52111,"JonesTown Massacre Do you know why you never hear any jokes about the JonesTown Massacre? .......The punchline is too long!
"
108011,"""""Torture me"""" said the masochist. """"No"""" the sadist smiled.
"
126864,"Thank God I don't have to pay my computer's solitaire debts.
"
174952,"For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
"
139305,"My favorite one-liner Two women sat down quietly.
"
11034,"The iCloud leaks weren't an accident at all. It was Apple trying to make up for causing Adam and Eve to have to wear clothes in the first place.
"
108377,"Can't please Americans For years Americans have complained to the Government that their voices weren't being heard. Now they are freaking the fuck out over the NSA.
"
193707,"combine the name of the first enemy you ever had and the name of the last thing you ate out of a microwave to get your Horrible Asshole Name
"
43306,"I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance
"
3358,"I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live... I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. I shot him and the judge gave me 30 years.
"
100985,"I got pulled over by a female cop.. When i asked what's wrong, she said """"NOTHING!!""""
"
141129,"Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together? The air hockey table. All our bathrooms have one.
"
59156,"oh hey mom. no i'm just Skyping with my girlfriend. what do you mean am i just playing a Vine of a girl saying i love you over and over
"
37495,"I joined a 12 step program for people who talk too much. Its called OnAndOnAnon
"
19524,"If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here..... *pizza stays *happy tears
"
39538,"Whenever you say """"I'll shoot you an email,"""" it makes me wish I could shoot you in email.
"
183499,"Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing.
"
186655,"Whenever I have trouble getting out of a hot shower, I simply count down from 100. Today I got to -634.
"
214512,"Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
"
73862,"I am a level 5 vegan.... I cant eat anything that casts a shadow.
"
203099,"Being molested by a teacher is twice as bad for home-schooled kids.
"
144798,"There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
"
196348,"Whats the difference between a Mexican and a power tool? Power tools are found inside the Home Depot.
"
23492,"CW: You're not wearing a costume. M: Yes I am. CW: You're dressed as yourself? M: No. I'm a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
"
173453,"Why did the Irishman wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure.
"
109673,"""""You run like you're making fun of running."""" -my brother
"
89927,"My music teacher was arrested for sticking his dick through a sheet of music Apparently, it's illegal to have sex with A minor
"
100280,"My mate David was a victim of ID theft Now we just call him Dav
"
44921,"Not joke Teacher :What is the difference man &amp; woman ? Pupil :Sir, in overtime ,overdose &amp; overhead ,man shouts and woman sobs
"
212035,"How did the blonde chip her teeth? using a vibrator
"
169016,"I tried to join the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.
"
20177,"How do you kill a redneck? Wait until he fucks his sister and then cut the brakes on his house.
"
87011,"""""I'm the world champion of hearing,"""" I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
"
84198,"I heard that there was a new food court in Coruscant Its called Admiral Ackbar's Admirable Snack Bar
"
147271,"A little kid came up to me and said... """"I have two mommies."""" """"Really?"""", I said. """"Your parents are lesbians?"""" """"No, my mom's just a schizophrenic.""""
"
146846,"My wife looked different today then it dawned on me. Her mouth was closed...
"
197262,"Campus bookstore robbed The Campus bookstore was just robbed of $25000. The criminal was seen taking a sweatshirt and 4 textbooks
"
99198,"Q. How would you write do not touch in Braile? A. With copper wire and strong electric current. (read it in a shower thoughts thread)
"
107224,"I wish everyone would stop vaccinating their children. It's really cutting down these lines at Disneyland!
"
53338,"ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror] [ever so slightly later] ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
"
15205,"Burn victims never travel alone They always stick together
"
68119,"What has 300 legs and 16 boobs? The breast cancer awareness 10K run
"
172841,"This guy next to me says my cigarette smoke is bothering him. I'm like: Well, it's killing me and I'm not bitching about  it.
"
28732,"What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company? Progressive *this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance*
"
102617,"If you want to prevent pregnancy use two condoms and... Fill chille powder in between. If outer one breaks she will know if inner one breaks you will know..
"
228286,"ME: bae, you wanna go out? HER: hell yeah  ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.
"
143934,"Why does Donald Trump secretly not want to win the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
"
105131,"What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
"
6412,"Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
"
39781,"There's only one problem where tears are the solution... and that's forgetting to pack your contact lens cleaner.
"
84620,"What do crazy girlfriends and chocolate have in common? They both kill your dog
"
200971,"Why do gay people dress so well? They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing!
"
180319,"What is the difference between a thief and a pervert? A thief snatches watches.
"
21055,"Are you a geologist? You can analyse my rocks anytime ;)
"
198770,"[job interview] """"What's your biggest weakness?"""" """"My honesty"""" """"I don't think-"""" """"I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night""""
"
194007,"Tried to eskimo kiss my girl last night... but she wasn't inuit.
"
13789,"So the past, present, and future walk into a bar. It gets really tense.
"
46881,"My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.
"
161327,"What do you call a Black Fisherman? Jailbait.
"
218824,"What does a chef with a chronic masturbation issue cook? Fapjacks!
"
192681,"my sister... My sister asked if I wanted to have sex, I said """"well if you incest.""""
"
62529,"My favorite part of Avatar was when Queen Amidala defeated the Klingons by helping Harry Potter & Legolas destroy the White Witch's ring?
"
70199,"When I die, I hope it's in a women's dressing room because if I become a ghost, that would be AWESOME!
"
65174,"Did you hear about Oscar Pistorius' home improvements? He wants a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend's dead against it
"
151051,"On the Beauty of Nordic Women... Question: Why are Nordic women so beautiful? Answer: Well, the Vikings didn't kidnap the ugly ones...
"
79581,"What does a writer hope to get in a Christmas cracker? A Pull-it-surprise!
"
4374,"TIL I have big fingers or a small butthole.
"
171703,"Look at all these people writing in Starbucks, just like Hemingway.
"
136839,"Text: How come you stopped drinking? Me: Because I kept waking up with you. Her: I hate you.
"
92797,"What Kind of Pee Comes Out Your Butt? Poo Pee.
"
142159,"What is the biggest scum-hole in the galaxy? Teddybear junction.
"
102330,"I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.
"
192168,"Eternity The time between when you cum and she leaves.
"
5715,"What are your best corny jokes? I want them all! """"What's brown and sticky?"""" """"A stick.""""
"
63715,"What did the lecherous Sufi say to the burkini fatso? Ouagadougou
"
85019,"Gimme your best Mickey Mouse/Disney character joke! Going on a Disney Cruise and need your funniest, raunchiest or most nasty joke involving a Disney character.
"
158248,"What do Trump supporters and Flat Earthers have in common? They both hate globalists.
"
57225,"Wanna play guns? Bend over and I'll cock you.
"
48278,"Round Sheep A farmer asked me """"Can you help me round up my sheep?"""" I said """"How many have you got?"""" He said """"78"""" I said """"we will call that 80!""""
"
146179,"Double standards are amazing. If I take my top off I'm called a """"poser"""". But if a women does it, suddenly I'm not allowed to masturbate?
"
83681,"Why did the band 999 megabytes break up? Because they couldn't get a gig.
"
94819,"Marathon runner: I think we're lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way? Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
"
153153,"Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
"
226617,"For people with a gluten allergy, it's kind of like kryptonite, except Superman didn't find a way to mention it in every conversation.
"
165012,"Why did Adrian Peterson sign with the Minnesota Twins? Because they needed a switch-hitter.
"
5878,"My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft... I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
"
89937,"Have you ever tried eating your watch? It's time consuming
"
176296,"I didn't use to like fungus but then it grew on me
"
46860,"What is the official cereal for the Rio olympics? Cheer-Rios
"
5448,"Reddit will end with not a bang, but a Pao.
"
230192,"Two cryptographers walk into a bar No one knows what they are talking about.
"
29655,"""""Let's do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died"""" ~ Really personal trainer
"
19285,"What does Neil Patrick Harris call his toilet? His Dookie Houser
"
192052,"Why did the banker eat lunch by himself? Because he was a loaner.
"
51340,"New Knock-Knock joke? Child: Knock Knock Grandmother: Who's there? Child: [Insert Name] Grandmother: [Insert Name] who? Child: Oh no! You have Alzheimer's! Yes? No?
"
95824,"Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it's like you're blasting them with nuclear waste.
"
159641,"What would you call a Russian invasion of Alaska? Ice [Krim](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%D0%9A%D1%80%D1%8B%D0%BC)
"
210580,"The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3+ hours.
"
194847,"I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn't scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
"
86084,"For lunch today I ate three lunches.
"
126176,"TIL the British used U-boats Whoops, wrong sub
"
103356,"How did the Pharaoh feel after falling for a craigslist scam? Egypt
"
31416,"How do you clear out an Iraqi bingo parlour? Call out """"B-52""""
"
205984,"I was having trouble settling into my new house, so I went to a therapist He said I have an apartment complex
"
200068,"Enough with the bass jokes. Just drop it. wubwubwub
"
88633,"Joke about the word joke There has to be one, there's a joke about everything, but I just can't find it, do any of you know a good joke or pun about the word joke?
"
201500,"Whats do a baby and old people have in common? They both get ditched in the park
"
208950,"I like my women how i like my coffee Without a penis
"
14379,"If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
"
129574,"How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb? Please help. There are ten so far and they have invited their gross friends to our home. They are using the broken lightbulb to smoke crack off of.
"
184924,"I'm just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8
"
90801,"Got caught talking to myself today. So I pretended I was a tree until they walked away.
"
231212,"How do you keep a moron in suspense for 24 hours? I'll post the answer tomorrow.
"
70872,"Why did Leonardo di Caprio want Steve Harvey to host the Oscars? He'd get it.
"
98397,"Raising awareness: Pinatas create unhealthy expectations of levitating rainbow donkeys.
"
197165,"I asked one of my friends how his sex life is going. His response: """"I'm holding my own"""".
"
57540,"A vegetable walks into a bar... Just kidding, he'll never walk again.
"
203091,"What do you call an underdeveloped chicken fetus in a frat house? ...an embroyo! heyooooooooo
"
224687,"Q: What happens if you sing country music  backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back.
"
214892,"Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
"
111987,"It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
"
42045,"Ted, The bus driver got pulled over.. He was busted.
"
45993,"What nation is the most unjust? Discrimination
"
74790,"I get a sense of pride and achievement when my boss catches me actually doing work.
"
228318,"Did you hear about the girl that failed her sex ed class? She got the D
"
126399,"Why does Bob Ross hide his wife's razor? So she always has a happy little bush!
"
60270,"Guy calls his doctor... He says, """"I figured out what's been causing the pain, doc. Avocado!"""" Doctor: """"Did you research that?"""" Guy: """"No, I just pulled it out of my ass""""
"
145455,"If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I'd watch for like 20 min before I asked """"For real, tho?""""
"
87778,"What's the difference between Martin Luther King and Donald Trump? Martin Luther King had a dream and Donald Trump is a nightmare.
"
45804,"I'm going to a trial in Great Sept of Baelor today, AMA. Edit: Wow, this blew up!
"
31662,"Why did the hipster burn his tounge? Because he ate his food before it was cool.
"
132985,"What do Apple and Blackberry have in common? Neither one has Jobs.
"
20614,"What mental disorder did the serial killer who stabbed his victim 23 times have? OCD.
"
194578,"A blonde and a brunette are discussing the previous night out... The brunette says, """"Last night I slept with a Brazilian."""" """"Oh my god!"""" the blonde replies. """"How many is THAT?""""
"
4798,"What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds? Brexit
"
117547,"I'm starting a nightclub to cater to people infected with AIDS It's called """"Hi Five"""" in Roman Numerals (HIV)
"
175635,"Two Cleaners In A Car... Broom Broom
"
180599,"Why didnt the toilet paper cross the road? it got stuck in a crack
"
109511,"[1st date] HER: do you like charades? MIME: [thumbs up] HER: well? MIME: [nodding 'yes'] HER: hello? MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]
"
159982,"What do you call a religious dairy farmer? Cheesus Christ
"
156103,"Me: *eating a Mars bar* Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
"
123383,"Never judge a book by it's cover.....
"
162886,"Do you know what you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino? **Elephino**!
"
184600,"Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn't mean I'm getting old, right? Means I'm turning into a werewolf! Right?
"
222712,"Which November holiday is a weed smoker's favorite? Danksgiving.
"
6282,"I don't ever have to worry about getting sex... Because I'm married, so I already know I won't. Takes all the guesswork right out of it.
"
116956,"The Klu Lkux Klan... The original boys in the hood...
"
209826,"Why were the Boston Marathon Bombings worse than Hitler? (OFFENSIVE) Because they actually managed to end a race.
"
142179,"Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger... But she did move to California in 1849
"
222352,"I inherited an Epipen My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
"
152312,"So a priest, a pedophile and rapist walk into a bar ...he orders a drink
"
24368,"So a blind man walks into a bar... and a table, and a couple of chairs
"
171357,"Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
"
227815,"A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, """"I slept with a Brazilian...."""" The blonde replies, """"Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?""""
"
222760,"I used to think I knew what a racist was until I told Usain Bolt he was my favorite racist ever.
"
105097,"The internet connection on my phone seems to be at its fastest when I've clicked the wrong link.
"
199108,"What's a skeleton's favorite dish? Spare ribs
"
29140,"What's the difference between a black guy and a bench A bench can support a family.
"
150557,"How many designers does it take to change a lightbulb? Does it really have to be a lightbulb?
"
176611,"""""You can't build your own man."""" They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
"
137770,"How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
"
64932,"People who get offended when I breast feed publicly can fuck off What I'm doing is totally natural and strengthens the relationship between me and my dog
"
33568,"What do you get when you cross the CIA with information about it? ****
"
49071,"What's Ronald Reagan's favorite vegetable? James Brady
"
198499,"Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered six offender
"
12271,"They say shoe size correlates with penis size... ...which makes getting raped by a clown that much more terrifying.
"
147,"What does a sheep say after walking into a disgusting, dirty bar? Ew.
"
116424,"I was trying to chose a password for my email, but I was not able to... I had chosen BrazilianDefense, but apparently it was too weak.
"
162912,"What's the difference between the US and Russian Presidents? US presidents get shot while Russian presidents take shots.
"
208822,"I got a new job crushing cans... It's so depressing...
"
2798,"I'VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES """"Don't you mean catlike-"""" BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
"
32662,"I hope rapidly clicking this arrow on Google Street View counts as jogging.
"
178772,"What did the flight attendant say to the vulture who dragged two dead raccoons onto the flight? I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed one carrion
"
151330,"Never forget 9 November 9/11 was truly a horrible day for the USA.
"
101938,"What's the difference between a pre-pickled pickle and an ice tray full of semen? One of them is a cucumber and the other is a cumcuber.
"
188240,"Word meanings: Slut: A prostitute that doesn't charge. Prostitute: A clever slut!
"
135726,"How many black men did it take to rape the white woman? 0 She is a lying bitch.^don'tberacist
"
1348,"What do you call a dog that is a magician? A Labara Cadabarador
"
152500,"""""No, no, I said I'm a PEDALPHILE. I'm super into bicycling. So that's a no go on the job now, huh?""""
"
170667,"A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped wrapped in cellophane.... The psychiatrist says """"well, I can clearly see your nuts""""
"
168404,"""""I made six figures last year."""" - Extremely lazy G.I. Joe employee.
"
189670,"What do you call it when Superman craps his pants? Undy-terd.
"
45185,"How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for french fries.
"
42242,"Pendanticness test Look in the comment section for your results.
"
76430,"How many homophones does it take to change a lightbulb? Nun.
"
43368,"A survey was held on what citizens of the United Kingdom thought of the new DOOM game... The overwhelming response was """"bloody hell""""
"
224040,"The Problem With Scooby-Doo Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
"
87389,"Fun Prank: When someone wakes from a coma, have everyone dressed in medieval clothes and welcome them back from """"The Sleeping Disease""""
"
17210,"Why are marines who can't swim better? They defend the ship with way more enthusiasm.
"
228595,"Charley wanted to buy Farley a birthday cake but he couldn't figure out how to get the cake in the  typewriter so he could type 'Happy Birthday'
"
17423,"Knock knock joke Knock knock Whos there Broken Pencil Broken Pencil who Never mind...its pointless!
"
201379,"One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line in front of me with the food stamps!!!
"
162381,"Why was Luke Skywalker banned from all the local pubs... He used excessive force
"
97231,"What is the name of the restaurant chain that serves sushi burritos? Japotle.
"
117209,"Yo mama So fat I can stand on her belly and high five Jesus -Merry Xmas
"
122023,"[Car breaks down] Me:*inspecting engine* Date: is everything ok? Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
"
182480,"What's a vampire's favorite fruit. Neck-tarine
"
52817,"I bought a new boomerang but it sucks, because i cannot throw my old one away.
"
58176,"How can you tell if a package is gay? It cums in the male
"
76673,"What do you call a zombie musician? A decomposer.
"
777,"What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit? The defendant.
"
224659,"""""Can I get you to-"""" YES! """"Great! Here it-"""" I'LL DO IT! """"Don't you want to-"""" MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO... - Adam Sandler being handed a script
"
205029,"How do you get everyone in a chemistry department to kill themselves? Get them to unionize
"
10955,"What is the difference between catholic priest and acne? An acne doesn't come on boy's face until he's 13.
"
33383,"Unshakable Fact # 3 Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Fucking PRICELESS.
"
44587,"Dad: Why do you smell like weed? Me: How do you know what weed smells like?! Busted, mister! You're grounded for a week. Dad: Okaayy :(
"
72378,"An Eskimo's lover leans in close and says.. """"baby, kiss me."""" The Eskimo leans forward, shakes his head, and says """"no"""".
"
71750,"If strippers are now called """"exotic dancers"""" then drug dealers should be called """"exotic pharmacists"""".
"
30325,"I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said """"WHERE ?""""
"
7483,"There is no such thing as Internet stalking. Stalking requires physical activity. Fun activity like softly brushing your hair at night Sarah
"
193170,"Rick Astley will give you any of his pixar movies except one... His SAG preview copy of Inside Out. It would be unethical for him to share that copy while it's still in theaters.
"
55706,"I asked my girlfriend at dinner, """"Why are you being so salty?"""" Her response - with a flat, even look: """"I've been well seasoned."""" I lost it
"
4329,"Give it to me straight """"I'd really like to have sex with you-"""" Now give it to me gay """"-r boyfriend.""""
"
36906,"Whats the difference between love, ture love, and showing off? spit, sallow, and gargle.
"
70346,"Having problems with my low-libido S.O., but last night she finally took one for the team! But when she got home she was completely exhausted and still didn't want to have sex with me.
"
43342,"If you pooped everything out and then only ate corn after that, would your next poop just be a pile of corn? Oh sorry welcome to PF Chang's
"
94119,"How to you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out it
"
190318,"I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump's mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what's inside.
"
16974,"What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom? Angus McCoatup
"
211792,"I remember when I was gay It was a real pain in the ass.
"
185074,"Based on the seemingly random things my autocorrect suggests I sometimes wonder if it is trying to communicate with me.
"
149800,"I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.
"
84710,"If Hide and Seek was created by the Arabs... It would be called Hide and Sheikh
"
181374,"I bought some new shoes today from my dealer. The only problem is I don't know what she laced them with, and have been tripping all day.
"
212496,"What do you call a group of Pigeons and Chickens? A Coo Clucks Clan
"
171232,"I just ordered a cup of coffee from a BP gas station. The attendant spilled it. Why am I not surprised?
"
151024,"I painted my iPhone black so it would run faster. Now I need to jailbreak it.
"
113957,"Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
"
226208,"IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
"
92690,"My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
"
230383,"Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
"
156537,"Monster: Doctor doctor I'm a blood-sucking monster and I keep needing to eat doctors. Doctor: Oh what a shame. I'm a dentist.
"
170731,"If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist I'd have tree fiddy
"
166995,"Donald Trump will make America Great Again... ... he's already grating on me!
"
184196,"Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn't having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
"
177398,"You need Jesus in your life... that lawn won't mow by itself
"
31431,"Who is the most musical Canadian heroine? Laura C-Chord.
"
25343,"Knock Know? Whose There? Letm. Lemt Who? Let me in please
"
206373,"Madonna goes on her arse, To much Material Girl ..
"
159119,"very productive day today, turd-wise
"
94556,"How do you tell if a girl in Nebraska is a virgin? She can outrun her brothers... *mic drop* """"I'm out...""""
"
188180,"*re-dials* Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
"
70006,"Is it true that in Siberia, bears walk on the streets? Nah, that's bullshit. There are no streets in Siberia.
"
50499,"[at zoo] Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
"
127412,"The Lion King is probably my favorite children's movie about running away from your problems until you're strong enough to kill your uncle.
"
56977,"If Hitler had a pet, what would it be? A dolphin
"
36238,"El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive. I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
"
176617,"What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator...
"
219971,"What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? A pick pocket snatches watches.
"
152340,"Some people get paid to make fish puns... I just do it for the halibut.
"
26603,"Donald Trump sure likes making fun of boxing. What with all the lightweight insults
"
159878,"I was raped by a group of mimes They did unspeakable things to me
"
155501,"Why does the man go to the beach when he's hungry? Because of the sand which is there.
"
36981,"Have you tried that new cocktail called Hurricane Sandy? It's just a watered down Manhattan.
"
144657,"You know you are a Physics nerd when.... Yo mamma so fat she attracts black holes
"
169581,"Gay dude was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner, """"This year we should try Greece."""" His partner looks up and ask him. """"Whts wrong with the Vaseline?""""
"
9978,"Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, """"Do you all want a beer?"""" The first logician says, """"I don't know."""" The second logician says, """"I don't know."""" The third logician says, """"Yes.""""
"
97024,"I like my women like I like my wine. 10 years old and in the cellar.
"
151461,"A wife went with her husband to his doctors appointment... Doctor: I'm gonna need a urine and stool sample. Wife (to husband): Just give him your underwear honey!!!
"
188124,"What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70? Your honor.
"
131462,"A joke without brevity Is just a long explanation of something that's funny
"
85308,"What is Hitler's least favorite sauce?
"
20711,"Einstein came up with a theory about space... and it was about time too!
"
208458,"Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn't worth saving.
"
129376,"My GF bragged about the cat sleeping next to her I told her """"Yes, he seems to be attracted to the overwhelming aroma of fish""""
"
173022,"Two fish are in a tank, what does one fish say to the other? How do you drive this thing?!
"
151353,"A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle. Did I just say that out loud?
"
75936,"My wife's so ungrateful The other day I gave her a massive orgasm, and she just spit it out.
"
64789,"What's the worst thing about alcoholics? They wine too much.
"
34302,"A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
"
149322,"What do you call a female to male sex change? An Addadictomy.
"
101665,"Hoe many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Swan.
"
4087,"Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won't try new foods.
"
20888,"What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people!
"
210492,"""""Sure, you could bury it but hear me out."""" Taxidermy is invented.
"
33656,"What kind of girls date firefighters? Hose.
"
197933,"Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
"
209423,"I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
"
145112,"My Grandma has such beautiful... 3-Ply toilet paper. It feels so good on my ass.
"
113908,"What did the author of The Lord Of The Rings say after he completed his books? If you like dialogue, theres a whole lot of Tolkein.
"
204390,"What is the phobia of chainsaws called? Common Sense
"
63081,"MAN: I'll get pasta & she'll have the salad COW: What's that mean? MAN: Uh- COW: I'm fat? MAN: ... You're a cow? PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
"
19258,"I tried inventing a belt with a clock on it... It was a waist of time
"
193006,"What's the difference between """"choice"""" and """"choose?"""" """"Choice"""" is your ability to make decisions, """"choose"""" are what Mexicans put on their feet.
"
160868,"Miley Cyrus So Miley Cyrus entered a rehab treatment facility last week but was denied admission because they didn't think it would """"twerk"""" out
"
132230,"*CLOP CLOP CLOP* **BANG BANG** *CLOP CLOP CLOP*. And a man died Those damn Amish pulled a drive-by
"
17661,"What do you call a three humped camel? Pregnant. (Credit goes to the trailer of Zootopia)
"
178125,"hah woops!! someone asked me what's up, i tried to say """"not much"""" and """"just chillin"""" at the same time, accidentally said """"hitler was cool""""!!
"
52776,"Why did dave go into the backseat? Because kurt called shotgun.
"
39297,"Some people pride themselves on their hard work. I pride myself on doing so little and yet keeping my job.
"
183836,"I slipped and fell outside today... and when I got up, my wallet and keys were missing. Must've been black ice.
"
34631,"Why do only 99.9% of dentists recommend Listerine? Because the other .1% is too busy out hunting lions
"
90440,"ME: I'd like to return a defective boomerang SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it? ME: I have no idea
"
74343,"I sent my wife a card that said, """"I DON'T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU'VE MADE.""""
"
21481,"They tried to record the Juno Satellite launch, but their computers were outer space. Outer. Space.
"
124723,"Hillary Clinton's autobiography should be called, """"Sisterhood of the traveling pants suit"""".
"
152067,"How do you make a cheeseburger sad? Make it with blue cheese!
"
192108,"Last night, my sexy Japanese friend asked me out for dinner. """"Hey, you wanna go for sushi? It's on me."""" It's funny 'cause I paid the bill.
"
35095,"You should never have sex with anyone in your family... Even if they inceest.
"
196683,"My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas! Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.
"
35078,"FRIEND: Do you want to go [i don't hear the rest because i'm already sighing too loudly]
"
7617,"Why did the chicken jump into the bag of popcorn? The kernel was looking for him.
"
11810,"You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
"
112157,"Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since LAST Friday.
"
197363,"This is your brain. *holds up a brain* And this is your brain on drugs. *holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
"
167772,"Two people go to a Nickelback concert.
"
115486,"My neighbor's diary says I have boundary issues.
"
218444,"What's Forrest Gumps password? 1forrest1
"
102106,"It would be a fun surprise if Jay-Z said he finished laying down some tracks and when you went outside there was a railroad.
"
23906,"I figured it out. Renee Zellweger is stuck in the longest oncoming sneeze of all time.
"
160341,"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
"
122765,"some simple jokes whats big white and falls out of a tree? a fridge whats green and has wheels? grass i was lying about the wheels
"
205661,"What's high in the middle and round on both ends? Ohio.
"
61338,"there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair
"
132732,"My friend had to go to the doctor, because all he could see were dicks. Turns out he was cock-eyed.
"
19615,"Is it possible to have a joke that is not racist/sexist/politically incorrect or commenting on stereotypes? Challenge for reddit. Curious
"
192238,"Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
"
114803,"What do a pizza and this joke have in common? They're both cheesy.
"
88177,"Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I've been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
"
106063,"TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
"
27677,"Did you hear the joke #4126?
"
80371,"A man was pulled over for speeding... The officer says: Where is the fire at? The man replies: it's back there, I'm just going to get the water! (This is a true story, my uncle really said this)
"
227245,"Self checkouts are great if you're in a hurry or don't want to pay for everything.
"
158283,"Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over? *lies on floor, closes eyes tight* (in customer service line at Walmart)
"
134739,"I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: """"If I wasn't already dead, your outfit would've killed me"""".
"
86263,"Did you hear about that Native American who drank ten cups of tea one night? They found him dead the next day in his teepee
"
212236,"Wow! last night was crazy. I killed 15 zombies just in the first hour alone. Anyone know why they were all carrying sweets?
"
8384,"what does a son tell to his mother when he's leaving his house in India? Mumbai
"
31276,"Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt.
"
46453,"Atoms are the biggest liars in the universe... They make up everything.
"
83634,"I don't know why I got fired from my job at the M&amp;M factory. I threw out all the Ws, they should be happy!
"
72092,"Did you Hear About the Paper Joke? It was tear-ible
"
52124,"Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot Vampire: sucks the life out of u Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling Child: all of the above
"
109006,"How do you get honey from a graveyard? From a zombee!   I'll see myself out
"
111137,"How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia? If the shutter makes a """"crick"""" noise.
"
157263,"Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
"
41684,"My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
"
18074,"How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just beat it for being dark.
"
79868,"How do you tell a good farmer? He's outstanding in his field
"
104177,"What do you call it when a redhead goes nuts? A ginger snap.
"
1335,"What do you call a nun sleep walking? A roamin' Catholic
"
143916,"Did you know someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds? I feel bad for the poor fella.
"
189387,"How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
"
43778,"What do a Yugo and a bath have in common? You can't step out of them in public.
"
16007,"This cat poop tastes like I'm about to get yelled at. -- Dogs
"
86166,"A Monk went into a shoe store... He was doing some Sole Searching.
"
109124,"H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed? M: Actually... *stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours* M: That was amazing.
"
203660,"Lost and confused in an helicopter
"
218378,"I'm sick of all these holocaust jokes. My Grandfather died in a concentration camp. Dumb bastard fell off the guard tower.
"
72967,"An Irishman walks out of a bar... Do you get it?
"
223283,"What do you call a morality story with sharp teeth and green scales? An allegory.
"
46933,"Spent 15 damn minutes looking for my phone in the car last night while using my phone as a light, yup that high..
"
159665,"How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the South? Because if it were invented in the North, it'd be called the teethbrush!
"
131399,"BEAUTY TIP: avoid unsightly wrinkles by being a sociopath who is incapable of feeling genuine emotions
"
76518,"ME: OMG I CAN'T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR HER: do you want dessert? ME: ok, but just a small slice.
"
170742,"What's the difference between Jesus and Bono? Jesus doesn't think he's Bono
"
26562,"How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one.
"
11053,"Why did the hipster... Why did the hipster burn his mouth on the hot coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.
"
11326,"I thought yesterday was going to be pretty boring... But it sure started off with a bang.
"
78636,"I'm like a dead owl... I just don't give a hoot anymore.
"
191707,"How are kids like piano keys? All the black ones are accidentals.
"
177887,"My wife told me, """"I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me."""" I said, """"You have perfect eyesight.""""
"
108610,"I saw a sign that said """"watch for children"""". Sounds like a fair trade
"
51552,"How do you add up a mountain? You summit.
"
81055,"What do you call a fear of deadly snakes? Common sense.
"
173627,"What is the best part about taking a shower? Not being able to see yourself in the mirror afterward.
"
219174,"What did the boy with no legs and arms get for Christmas? Cancer
"
220964,"What do you call a Mexican Baptism? Bean dip.
"
126641,"Me: Yeah like that, baby. Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair* Me: *moans* Him: *growls* I'm gonna do so many-- Me: *snores, drools*
"
195330,"Why did the medium cross the road? To get to the other side.
"
177222,"*Murderer points a gun at me* """"You wanna die today"""" Me: """"Yeah kinda"""" Murderer: *lowers gun* damn, you wanna talk about it?
"
70985,"The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen's clubs.
"
54739,"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile (Im going to fucking hell. I shouldnt have laughed at this so hard.)
"
97031,"I only work because it feels so good when I stop.
"
40506,"My jokes should be written on lollipop sticks So you can only see them if you suck as much as they do
"
150642,"What do you call a construction truck wearing a toupee? a dump trump
"
180791,"I hate when people put the beginning of the joke a second time
"
92217,"Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it's a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
"
143281,"I always say no to drugs... But they never listen.
"
223764,"What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4 year-old child? Eric Clapton never would have let his bag of coke fall out of a 49th-story window!
"
101035,"Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? A: She opens the car door.
"
151902,"I'm sick of all of the Irish stereotypes... As soon as I finish this drink I'm punching someone
"
66063,"Why did the hipster burn his mustache on his coffee? ...he was totally drinking it before it was cool.
"
208408,"Mental illness isn't a disease... ... It's all in the mind.
"
5997,"It feels like every time I look at the time it's 9:11 I hope this doesn't get me on a watch list.
"
11611,"Why did the boy fall off the bike? Someone threw a fridge at him.... Gold
"
192952,"Prisoner: You inked Me: *thinking about my """"I hate prisoners"""" back tattoo* No why
"
102097,"Why do women like Ryan Gosling? Because he is always Gosling around..... A co-worker snickered so I figued share.
"
60213,"What do Vegans, ISIS and Feminists have in common? None of them like pork.
"
113308,"Is your refrigerator running? You probably didn't notice because you were too busy looking for reposts
"
36880,"What's the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.
"
222986,"Who was Tupac married to? His Thug Wife.
"
203308,"How can you tell if Lady Gaga is dead? Po-po-po-po-po-po-poke-her-face
"
63905,"My black friend was told he couldn't run in the boston marathon Bunch of racists.
"
108759,"Little known fact: most shepards have NO idea how many sheep are in their flock.... Every time they try to count them.....
"
129267,"new shoes, new outlook on life. I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all week.
"
99523,"Knock Knock Knock, knock. Who's there? Anee. Anee,who? Anee one you like!
"
199523,"BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags. People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
"
67554,"My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
"
121321,"Wife: """"you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?"""" Me: """"why?"""" W: M: W: """"they're running along side the car""""
"
9386,"Two horses are standing in a field. """"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse"""" Says the first. """"Moo!"""" says the second
"
126912,"[Cringe Alert] Why are Trees never invited to a formal dinner ? They only wear Trunks.
"
167643,"What did the fresh egg say to the boiling pot of water? """"It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning.""""
"
161821,"""""wow with attitude like this do you even have friends"""" me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
"
90751,"Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone... What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?
"
137405,"How do you tell the difference between a terrorist and a tenured professor? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
"
70962,"""""Bigotry"""" -an Italian guy describing an oak
"
30899,"Got caught smelling my sisters underwear yesterday. Made the rest of her funeral very fucking awkward.
"
148386,"Hey did you know a new medication came out for depressed lesbians? Tridixigin
"
168926,"Why do jews get their penises circumcised? Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off
"
105944,"What's in a name? Boy asks a girl: Is your name WiFi? Girl: No, why? Boy: Because I am feeling a connection.
"
29827,"I believe we should all pay our taxes with a smile I tried, but they wanted cash
"
201664,"I got a job as a stand up with a comic sans resume, but i lost my CV Now im a comic sans resume
"
166106,"What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking? A leave of absinthe.
"
204275,"What do you call a nation of programmers? A developing country
"
176860,"I missed you with all my darts
"
90427,"Why are hurricanes always named after white people? Because white people destroy everything.
"
104512,"""""Balls."""" said the queen. The king laughed, he had to.
"
182066,"Hillary Clinton could be become our first F president. I'd say female, but she lost the email.
"
157431,"Waitress: need anything else? Me: yes, a cup of black coffee. W: and how would u like your coffee? M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
"
3113,"What did one window say to the other window? I'm in pane
"
70671,"I tried to open a store that specialized in leather made from cow nipples... It was an udder catastrophe
"
49077,"It's fun to park next to that car that's parked far away so that no one will park next to it.
"
182366,"Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social  exclusion.
"
6489,"In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I've put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.
"
106254,"Just ordered a pizza from Papa Johns online ordering system & it asked me if I had any instructions for the driver. Yes, """"Bring weed, bro""""
"
182899,"A horse walks into a bar... The Barkeeper asks:""""hey dude, why the long face?"""" The horse has cancer.
"
207764,"A Hippo claimed that he didn't like serial killers Than he ate a bowl of cereal. He was such a hippo-crit.
"
33375,"Did you hear about the elephant that orgasmed? It was all over town.
"
195143,"What's the best version of Microsoft Office? Microsoft Office 36543
"
10015,"Do you know what a girl says when she sees a big...NSFW Do you know what a girl says when she sees a big dick? *when the person says: 'no what'* I do
"
27548,"Knock Knock... 1.Knock knock. Whos there? Yoda lady. Yoda lady who? Good job yodeling! 2.Knock knock. Whos there? Well, not your parents, because your parents never knock!
"
40439,"A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, """"Depends on what's in it for me.""""
"
147478,"A man was killed with a starter pistol today Police think it might have been race related.
"
4477,"Born Too Late To Explore The Earth, Born too early to explore the galaxy, Born at just the right time to have sex with virtual reality anime chicks.
"
148834,"What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom? A fake name
"
129518,"What's one thing you never want to hear your wife say while having sex? """"Honey, I'm home!""""
"
136345,"The blonde tip-toed near the medicine cabinet so that she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. This is not a joke, ambien serious!
"
94232,"I've compiled a list of women I'd like to sleep with for your viewing pleasure: 1.) You 2.) Every other woman in the world
"
3431,"A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship's wheel sticking out his crotch. 'Does that not hurt?' asks the bartender. To which the pirate replies: 'Yaarr, it's driving me nuts!'
"
55101,"Tower: Mission triple-three do you have problems? Pilot: I think I have lost my compass. Tower: Judging the way you are flying you lost the whole instrument panel..
"
28658,"What song would Kendrick Lamar sing if he was Native American? """"Bitch don't kill my tribe.""""
"
74511,"What's the difference between going into a sewer system and the government buildings? They're both full of shit, but the government's got more assholes.
"
139713,"When a dog's stomach starts growling, it's either hungry, or pregnant.
"
121230,"Condom bursts are like Hillary Clinton's e-mails. You can try to neclect it, but everybody knows it's yours.
"
132872,"What's the best way to get a redditors attention?
"
228136,"Why did Jesus quit playing ice hockey? He kept getting nailed to the boards.
"
58147,"I was just reading about the Volkswagen fiasco recently, and something puzzled me. It's not like Germans to get gas emissions wrong.
"
212399,"5 penises A man visits his doctor and tells him, """"You've got to help me doc. I've got 5 penises!"""" To which the doctor replies, """"5 penises! How do your pants fit?"""" """"Like a glove!""""
"
225995,"Have you seen the new Broadway production about the dictionary? It's a great play on words.
"
123781,"Why do priests cry during sex? There's no telling.
"
161773,"What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
"
71723,"How many IT people does it take to change a light bulb? Do you have a ticket for that?
"
178943,"i cant feel my face when im with you / please untie me / nose is itchy
"
74856,"What did one guy at a gay bar say to the other guy? Can I push your stool in? I just wanted to note that my ten year old brother told me this joke.&amp;#3232;\_&amp;#3232;
"
189834,"[date shouting over music on the dance floor]: WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS? Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
"
154723,"I bet Lady Gaga covers herself in glue and just rolls around in random objects.
"
113756,"My computer is so slow . . . . . . I get a progress bar when I copy and paste . . . text.
"
177070,"Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween confused? Because: 25 DEC == 31 OCT Merry Christmas Fellow Nerds! :)
"
10908,"What did the fancy cat say when he wanted to leave? Le meow
"
192309,"What is the clinical name of the surgical procedure performed on a transsexual woman transitioning into a man? Addadictomy
"
148285,"Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool 
"
169008,"Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
"
145772,"You should've seen my bad spelling. That shit was [sic].
"
124026,"A nurse reaches into her pocket and finds a rectal thermometer... """"Ugh, some asshole has my pen"""", she thought.
"
42942,"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *SLURP*
"
108344,"When guys are best friends it's a bromance. When girls are best friends it's..... Temporary.
"
196134,"As of now, I only know of three Jewish holidays: Hanukkah The Bar Mitzvah The Oscars
"
214458,"It's chilly this morning. I should let my nipples do the typing.
"
50200,"What's similar about a shy jihad and a bagpipe They only make noise once they've been blown up.
"
230174,"What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast. I'll see myself out.
"
130933,"[cat shelter] Me: so u don't test for it but u say none of them have it? Owner: we've never come across a cat with martial arts training, no
"
19188,"Whats the difference between a mosquito &amp; a hot blonde chick? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it
"
124548,"Morning after The morning after pill...did you know it's called the """"anti-baby pill"""" in Germany? And in Sweden it's called the """"regret pill"""". However in Chicago it's called the """"crime fighter"""" pill.
"
180170,"Did you hear that Jared Fogle got sentenced to 15 and a half years? But he was happy with it cause it was under 18.
"
65358,"It's pretty stupid how cats will just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. Hold on, gotta check my iPhone.
"
220701,"I'm really against picketing. I just don't know how to show it.
"
230216,"she wants the D (director's cut)
"
154511,"Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
"
86645,"Did you hear the joke with the punchline that is invisible to idiots?
"
97163,"""""Let's walk over there"""" """"ok"""" -couple a cows
"
213223,"A woman walks into a bar. She asks the bartender for a double entendre, and the bartender gives it to her.
"
143532,"My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, """"I can't do it if you're watching."""" #MyFamilyIsWeird
"
164259,"What buzzes is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea ? A bee in a submarine !
"
205324,"I don't have a problem sharing my funny stuff with ya'll here as you c0py & paste to your Facebook, it's the damn Twitter crew I can't stand with their self righteousness and egos.
"
87583,"Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It's like, pick a side, babies.
"
54363,"Someone stole my mood ring the other day... I still don't know how I feel about it
"
94093,"A blonde walks into a bar The man behind her just walks around it.
"
139602,"What do you call an orgy with six paraplegics? A threesome.
"
85749,"What brings a Jewish family closer together? The bristles
"
96934,"Why did the SSD burn a flag? Because it was a Patriot Blaze
"
13929,"Donald Trump doesn't like Mexicans, and I'm terrible with timed writing prompts. I guess we have similar opinions... We both hate ese's.
"
112183,"Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana
"
180347,"Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
"
224488,"I bought a book of pick-up lines, but the pages were empty... turns out it was written by Bill Cosby.
"
93436,"As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.
"
20153,"2nd grade poop joke going around. Knock knock. Who's there? Schmelmop.
"
228396,"[Updates Christian Mingle bio] """"Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first"""" """"You have 999 new matches""""
"
18314,"Why did the chicken go to the bathroom? That's where all the cocks hang out.
"
87272,"[NSFW]We should learn three things from dogs. 1. Love 2. Trust 3. Faithfulness And what we actually learn? Doggy style
"
138497,"Floyd Mayweather's true record is 51-0... They forgot to count the 3 times he beat his wife.
"
50835,"What vegetable parties the hardest? A Turnip.
"
138907,"You're the Thelma to my Louise. The Ben to my Jerry. The Kanye to my Kanye.
"
115090,"[sees some cut grass] """"Nice"""" [sees some ripped leaves] """"oh yea"""" [sees a twig with a 6 pack] """"holy shit""""
"
156139,"What do you call a French cow that grows sprouts instead of fur? Chia LaBeouf
"
108539,"What do you call a shed full of black people? Antique farm equipment
"
74255,"The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket Hey, son. Check out how far I can kick this bucket
"
43098,"Why doesn't the postal worker's wife have sex with him on his day off? Because mail men don't come on Sundays.
"
44936,"Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
"
203017,"What does a bad salesman and a toilet have in common? They are both full of crap.
"
70355,"Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p*rn. It's a fight to the finish now.
"
72162,"What is the cannibals' favorite game?  Swallow my Leader.
"
135055,"I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that sh1t
"
17018,"Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that's a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse [Everyone dies]
"
221106,"You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
"
42214,"I bet God's email spam box is filled with all the prayers from athletes.
"
19256,"Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse """"You mean Centaur, right?"""" Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh
"
171509,"Adam Sandler
"
163716,"Doc, my leg bone is missing! """"You must be joking!"""" """"No doc, there's not a humerus bone in my body!'
"
23228,"I RT a bunch of awesome stuff. nnBecause its funny. And I needed to hide my tweets from last night.
"
27078,"My family thinks I don't get jokes But I'm actually great at them!
"
148305,"My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don't have the heart to tell her he's just out chasing Pokemon.
"
119574,"DEFINITION whats another definition of a goatee? a gay mans bullseye
"
122333,"Babies who cry in a restaurant would rather be eating in a breastaurant.
"
10136,"I've got reverse Benjamin Button disease.
"
172515,"Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean? A: Nothing, they just waved.
"
94271,"Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile
"
129770,"[Breaking] Muslim terrorists have crashed a speedboat full of explosives into the base of the Hoover Dam... Police suspect this might be the first attack in a month long operation named Ramadam.
"
129995,"Why did the lawyer with a torn ACL still win the marathon? (OC) Because he had the power of a torn knee
"
147048,"Why did the cheeseburger fight the veggie burger? It had beef.
"
150784,"look. alls I'm saying is, with that many extremist in one single location, we'd be crazy NOT to take the X-Games to the Middle East. what?
"
25692,"If you're going to get in trouble for hitting someone, might aswell hit them hard.
"
38210,"How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum? Two. One to eat it, another to look out for traffic!
"
89832,"There's a very thin line between having your foot out of the covers enough to stay cool but not enough so it gets eaten by monsters.
"
17711,"Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
"
43252,"Great things come in small packages Is what i say everytime before i whip it out.
"
106042,"How can a man go eight days without sleep? No problem , He sleeps at night.
"
87980,"It's obvious that God doesn't hate gays; because if he did he would have made a plague or something to wipe them out.
"
28443,"Roofing... That's a bit over the top isn't it?
"
84185,"I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
"
76274,"She's got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won't quit. Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish.
"
35892,"Se7en is a great movie even if you haven't seen o1e, 2wo, thr3e, 4our, 5ive or 6ix.
"
24821,"How much toilet paper do people use on a daily basis? A shit ton.
"
198204,"I'm still disappointed that The Phantom Menace was never nominated for an Academy Award... ...for Best Animated Film.
"
43836,"Jajajajajajaja is either a Mexican laughing or a German having sex.
"
108372,"If your Uncle Jack was on an Elephant.... Would you help your Uncle Jack off the Elephant?
"
46277,"Dad:why are your eyes so red? Son: i was smoking marijuana Dad: don't lie to me, you were crying because you're a faggot
"
102306,"Did you hear about the cvs looted by BLM supporters? They took everything but the sunscreen and Father's Day cards.
"
24324,"What's Mary short for? She's got little legs, I guess.
"
212688,"Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
"
9016,"Worst math joke I know. Two students sit in a geometry class. One says to the other """"I'm cold!"""" The other says """"go sit in the corner."""" """"Why?"""" replies the first. """"Because its 90 degrees!""""
"
92705,"There's a part of me that still loves you. I hit that part with a hammer. Stupid part.
"
129385,"That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you're with your new much younger pizza guy.
"
217900,"So the jerk store called and they're running out of HB2!
"
184093,"Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker """"Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.""""
"
46592,"[Cretaceous Period] T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier... DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha's weird but ok 1 sec
"
111680,"What do you call a privileged post office? Cis White Mail
"
82662,"What do you call a line of Mexicans buried across the border? A spicket fence
"
27682,"What's the difference between you and Bear Grylls? You'd get fired if you drank piss at work.
"
73641,"Speed Dating Tell me something about yourself I have 3 cats What do u do for fun I have 3 cats What are you most proud about I have 3 Next
"
117117,"My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am!!!! 3 in the morning can you believe that?! Luckily, I was still awake playing my drums.
"
5799,"I called my Colectomy surgeon's office... To check on my appointment. A man with a Russian accent answered the phone saying, """"Thank you for colon.""""
"
90045,"A sadist joke I thought-up today at 2:20PM Q: Where do happy sadists come from? A: A Sadist-factory! get it? get it?
"
220717,"The barman says 'I'm sorry we don't serve time travelers.' A time traveler walks into a bar...
"
194398,"What do you call a horny priest? A firm believer.
"
95658,"I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, """"I'd tap that.""""
"
8095,"I woke up this morning to find chinese writing all over my bedroom walls. I couldn't understand it.
"
83084,"dont judge a book by its cover. dont judge a book at all. read a book. write a book. dont judge a book unless that book has murdered someone
"
115167,"Ever heard of a sex position called a 71? Its a 69, and each partner puts a finger up their partners butt!
"
46346,"REQUIRED : A content developer. Salary commensurate with contentment
"
218023,"Why are gays never really supressed? Cuz they always stick it to the man!
"
70175,"If a man stands alone in a forest... If a man stands alone in a forest, with no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
"
152995,"What do Mexicans say on their first day in America? Jose can you see, by the dawn's early light...
"
107053,"I haven't spoken to my girlfriend in months. I don't want to interrupt her.
"
139957,"What's the difference between reddit and resturant ? Restaurants have better servers.
"
177017,"*early humans discovering sleepiness* noooo!! what is this, im shutting down? dying??? *waking up later* wow, i love that. gonna do it a lot
"
208308,"I got arrested for indecent exposure after my neighbour claimed he could see my penis. Maybe he should get a smaller postbox?
"
119807,"She is such a hoe that she doesn't have boyfriends.. ...she has daily active users.
"
124918,"Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.
"
57440,"I don't understand why so many of you are unhappy. They sell vodka where you are, don't they?
"
17771,"I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
"
105464,"Why should you never tell jokes on the ice? The ice might crack up! I use this at the beginning of conversations... it's a reall ice breaker.
"
224641,"My penis is so big... ...if I laid it out on my computer keyboard, it would go all the way from A to Z.
"
200694,"How do you give a quadriplegic a headache? Ask him to hold open the elevator door
"
227486,"I need some advice What has everyone been using to get ice of their cars in the morning? I've been using a discount card, but I can only ever get 20% off
"
38863,"Drugs and alcohol aren't the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
"
18770,"I did my foreign country report on Ethiopia. It was really easy, I didn't even have to bring the class food.
"
19760,"If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
"
114261,"Two cannibals, father and son, catch a blonde The son """"Dad, will we take her home and eat her?"""" Dad """"No, we will take her home and eat your mom.""""
"
205956,"What do STDs and jokes have in common? They're both easily spread.
"
10944,"I got together with a pig and... I think she's my Sowmate. ( ^ @ ^ )
"
111403,"My sex life is like a Pontiac. I usually find it on the side of the road.
"
194454,"I went to a job interview at EA The interviewer, after reading my CV, said: """"I see that this CV was clearly printed on two pages, but I only have one. Where's the other one?"""" """"Page two is 19.99$""""
"
42924,"Me:- Boss i am not coming into work to day coz i am sick. Boss:- How sick are you? Me:- Well i am in bed with my sister
"
46823,"Why does a space rock taste better than an earth rock? It's a little meteor
"
13667,"You guys have been the worst hostages I've ever used, hands down. *everyone lowers their hands* GODDAMN IT!!
"
219391,"What do they call Chipotle in Canada? Chipotl-eh
"
101677,"Poop Patties What did the fry cook do when he found out they were making the burger patties with feces? He flipped a shit.
"
146801,"Look, all I'm saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
"
128896,"Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let's go steal all their shit!
"
34790,"Why didn't the skeleton go for the halloween party ? He had """"No body """" to go with.
"
77209,"Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender says """"Hey Mr. Pirate, ya know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"""" Pirate says """"Yarrrrr, it's driving me nuts.""""
"
101322,"Q: Complete the following word analogy:  Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4)  On a Pentium all of the above A: Number 4.
"
193581,"Can I ask you a question? Me and my co worker was having a good conversation about school that lasted about 20 mins. Then she said """"Can I ask you a question"""" and I replied """"You just did""""
"
11597,"Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
"
7680,"You can just walk into a Blockbuster and take a shit on the floor now. It's not even illegal.
"
149580,"It weirds me out my phone won't swear. What, is it religious?
"
39332,"Two redditors walk into a bar
"
217747,"""""I didn't see you in church last Sunday Nigel. I hear you were out playing football instead.""""  """"That's not true vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!""""
"
93827,"I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
"
181373,"I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.
"
119271,"Owls always look like they've just found out that they've been cheated on.
"
165037,"Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
"
69909,"What do you call a stoner that is masturbating? A highjacker.
"
208879,"Does anyone else love thick sandwiches with three slices of bread and two layers of filling? We should make a club.
"
213674,"i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into $65,000 cash
"
82643,"Do nomads ever get angry?
"
180152,"First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks """"is that your puppy?"""" say """"No. That's my dad."""" Then storm off.
"
32127,"An egg sits perfectly balanced on the apex of a roof, the wind blows south, which way does the egg fall? Down. The egg falls down.
"
156245,"The Wifi and the deodorant of the person sitting next to me on this flight did not work :(
"
134470,"I don't normally shit with the door open but I don't want to miss the in flight movie
"
51205,"Before firemen rescue cats from trees they always take a photo and that's where 'hang in there, baby!' posters come from.
"
219990,"Wife: My family is coming over. Me: ....? Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!
"
216162,"i am skeptical of the concept """"Too Big To Fail"""" mainly because i am extremely big and i fail constantly
"
169547,"Why are giraffes' necks so long? Because their heads are so far from their bodies.
"
62607,"Sometimes, I think I'm the only member of my family not doped up on prescription drugs all the time. Then I usually take my amnesiac meds.
"
47407,"What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste.
"
16501,"I have a MASSIVE heroine problem... I'm addicted to fat women who save my life.
"
94875,"Why do gay guys like rotisserie chicken? They like the way the meat spins
"
33550,"What goes in big and hard and comes out soft and soggy? Bubble gum.
"
34622,"What should you never say to a brony? Hello
"
153667,"Unlike many guys, I don't try to get into a lady's pants... ...mostly because they won't fit me, but also because they lack usable pockets. What's up with that aspect of fashion design, anyway?
"
186454,"What did Neil Armstrong say when he was offered another trip to the moon 'I'm over the moon'
"
181806,"What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
"
186187,"Jokes are like packages. While the content is important you mustn't forget about the delivery.
"
135139,"Where does Vladimir keep his shit? In a Putin
"
83037,"Everytime I listen 'freudien slip' I always think in my ... ... psychology classes. And you ?
"
135457,"Why were the ghosts wet and tired? They had just dread-ged the lake.
"
7337,"I like my women like I like my coffee.... Ground up and in the freezer.
"
26531,"Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
"
27010,"I said to the gym instructor: """"Can you teach me to do the splits?"""" He said: """"How flexible are you?"""" I said: """"I can't make Tuesdays.""""
"
131083,"I had to break it off with my girlfriend. She wouldn't fake orgasms. I can't be with someone who doesn't care about my needs.
"
222989,"The waiter came up to my table and said, """"Can I take your order?"""" I said, """"Sure."""" He said, """"Thanks, I'm just really hungry.""""
"
210017,"A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'
"
183194,"I wish my name was Grudge. This way my wife would hold on to me forever.
"
21737,"Never let the CIA install your government. Too much spyware.
"
48605,"The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke's hand was because he touched the thermostat
"
21288,"My cousin, who's a karate expert, joined the Army. First time he saluted he nearly killed himself.
"
144513,"How do Reavers clean their spears? They send them through the Wash.
"
229609,"What did the jungle cat say to the comedian in a packed laugh house? """"Stop making me laugh, you are going to make me puma pants"""".
"
206251,"What happened to the lost cattle? Nobody's herd.
"
123171,"Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police  car? A: She saw """"911"""" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
"
169634,"Did you hear about all the bears that got laid off from Chanel 6? (xpost /r/BearJokes) Turns out they were bad news bears.
"
13808,"Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
"
166454,"My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess  I sell AVON..
"
145941,"Why didn't the Jews fight in WWII? They all went camping.
"
186564,"A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.
"
3851,"What do you call a cow with no sense of humor ? A feminist
"
102352,"How do you piss off a redditor? This GOD-DAMN joke has been reposted SO many times, and its not even clever in the first place!!! Im super serial guys, knock it off.
"
7312,"Did you hear about the Power Plant that was bad for the environment all year? He got coal for Christmas.
"
69757,"What's better than roses on a piano? Two-lips on your organ
"
11477,"I'm worried, about that one cute sweet innocent girl who keeps liking my fb post.
"
82524,"The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
"
15780,"Why can't gingers run? Because they have no soles
"
190136,"You know you're good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did
"
17359,"The story of a heroic husband .... Wife to her husband - How do I look? I just came back from the beauty salon.... Husband - Well. Was it closed?
"
89337,"How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
"
61573,"Boyfriend: You know you can..... Boyfriend: You know you can be a real bitch. Girlfriend: I have been called worse. Boyfriend: Like what? Girlfriend: Your girlfriend!
"
83191,"How do you kill a snail? With an as-salt rifle!
"
203066,"Worried sick about America's billionaires, you guys
"
7852,"Knock Knock Who's there ? Chest ! Chest who ? Chest-nuts for sale !
"
46537,"You know what they say... If a Chilean Miner gets scared and runs back to his hole it's winter for 6 more weeks.
"
10590,"Old tourist joke German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: """"Occupation?"""" The German replies: """"No, no, just visiting.""""
"
114314,"Why does hitler not like jewish lemonade ? Its to hasidic
"
221928,"What do you call the act of turning over in bed to switch from the missionary position to doggy style? A sexual revolution.
"
183190,"ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec- ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here? ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let's hear him out.
"
8657,"How can you tell the pig is a failure as Easter bunny? By the egg on its face.
"
95307,"Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he's swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
"
162956,"That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
"
154444,"What did one guy say to the other at the gay bar? May I push in your stool?
"
135794,"What's the difference between mayonnaise and sperm? Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back if my girlfriend's throat at 60 miles per hour.
"
4523,"My Girlfriend Told Me I Need To Get In Shape..... I told her """"I am in shape! Round is a shape!""""
"
20514,"Where's Spiderman's home page? On the world wide web.
"
170563,"*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night* *wife reaches over* """"Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?"""" *already locked myself in the bathroom*
"
17690,"HEY GUYS I'M AT NXNE! WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY?
"
217795,"I like my women like I like my cars Black, loud, heavy, and full of gas.
"
142448,"What's the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at 3 ho's.
"
110224,"What's a pirate's favourite amino acid? Arrrginine
"
198084,"Psychiatrist to the patient: - Your case is clear. You have double personality. Please, pay bill $ 100 for the consultation... - *Keep $ 50. The rest will make the second one*
"
50290,"Q: What's E.T. short for? A: So he can fit in his space ship.
"
33669,"Knock KNOCK Who's there? Orange Orange who? ORANGE YOU HAPPY I DIDN'T SAY ORANGE   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  v  v              TLDR I'm dead on the inside
"
155510,"A priest, a rabbi and a gorilla walk into a bar. The bartender looks over and says """"Is this some kind of joke?""""
"
182710,"A man entered his home and discovered that someone have stole all his lamps.... ...he was absolutely delighted.
"
189282,"Q: What illness are you suffering from if you keep seeing cartoon animals who talk? A: Disney spells.
"
204033,"Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone !
"
61132,"Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children's bicycle, you're probably in a bad neighborhood.
"
190829,"What gun do you use to hunt a moose? A moosecut!
"
36394,"I chuckled at this one Suicidal arsonist burned at the stake.
"
22306,"Sicilian saying """"When you wake up with four balls, your enemy is behind you.""""
"
129024,"What's the best way to catch a fish? Have someone throw it at you.
"
29803,"I don't believe ppl who """"don't masturbate cuz it's not the real thing."""" When I run out of Frosted Flakes, I put sugar on my Corn Flakes.
"
155834,"Today I masturbated 8 times! A personal record for me... In my defence Schindler's list was a long film
"
163601,"I don't have a vagina, but I'm pretty sure sex feels a lot like cleaning your ear out with a Q-tip.
"
107226,"Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
"
152346,"What did one Fart say to the other? Just so you know, your's is not the only asshole around
"
4437,"What is the most common question asked by iPhone users? """"Does anyone have a charger I could use?""""
"
189444,"What's a meth head's favourite thing about Halloween? Only two more sleeps till Christmas!
"
53656,"The waiter asked if I wanted any salt for my steak... I told him to pepper my angus ;)
"
197013,"Why do all chicken coupes have two doors? Because if they had four doors they would be sedans.
"
53660,"Had to check IMDB to make sure there really aren't any more Shrek films in development. Now I can sleep.
"
217843,"I'm a tire in real life It's a wheel hassle.
"
227855,"What do you call a spinning, bisexual dinosaur that loves Juno &amp; Superbad? Biceratops
"
183930,"Why did the otter cross the road? To get to the OTTER side!
"
195214,"I've run out of Christmas wrapping paper so I'm going to use 'Happy Birthday' paper and write 'Jesus' after it.
"
217307,"I sexually identify as an invisible dad. I'm trans-parent.
"
127010,"Why Beyonce? Why did Beyonce sing 'to the left', 'to the left'? - Because black people have no rights...
"
196270,"How do you castrate a redneck? You kick his sister in the jaw.
"
110774,"Titanic the boat cost $174 million, Titanic the film cost $200 million. Why didn't James Cameron just rebuild the ship and sink it for real?
"
203818,"Why are gluten-free children so healthy? Because they're not inbred.
"
137978,"What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it but they can't eat it.
"
15739,"[on date] HER: I cant see u anymore ME (hiding under table): lol I know H: no I mean I cant see u anymore M (still under table): lol I know
"
79303,"The necrophilia is strong with this one This is my best friend. She enjoys pina coladas, long walks on the beach, and the feeling of cold dead skin upon her body. http://imgur.com/Rie20hf
"
115307,"I'm surprised my son doesn't think his name is 'stopit'
"
74849,"What do you call a dictator running a bookshop? The Supreme Reader.
"
91393,"Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... You have my Word.
"
229113,"My telethon to raise money for starving children in Africa was a huge flop. I didn't know the TV added 10 pounds. Those kids looked fine. :(
"
87655,"What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader
"
56537,"I opened the door for an old lady today... A few people stared when they seen me jump in front of her and just stand there to activate the automatic door though.
"
74351,"why should you never iron a four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck.
"
143661,"stadium announcer: """"STADIUM!""""
"
65910,"I just forked over $5,000 for a reincarnation seminar I figured what the hell you only live once.
"
194442,"Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
"
66467,"Today in 1775, Jane Austen was born. She wrote """"Sense & Sensibility,"""" """"Pride & Prejudice,"""" and """"Lust & Lunchables.""""
"
36167,"making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
"
114576,"What do you call a transformer in a canoe? A row bot
"
58765,"Sammy: My parents are sending me to camp. Tammy: Why? Do you need a vacation? Sammy: No. They do!
"
33017,"Haaha What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
"
31687,"[wife in labor] *i press play on cassette {Ice Cube - You Can Do It} Wife:WHAT THE HELL Me: sorry hun *ff to {SaltNPeppa - Push It}
"
101022,"I wanted to throw an earth day party... But I forgot to planet
"
5806,"Anyone remember the joke about the dwarf? Can't think right now, should be easy to remember, it was only a short one.
"
45093,"After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
"
198821,"Why was Yoda afraid of the number Seven ... ? ... because *six seven ate*
"
5668,"Did you hear about the broken watch from the 1800's? It was a timeless classic.
"
200843,"Did you hear the joke about butter? No? I guess it didn't spread then
"
198911,"That moment when the bus runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it!
"
11608,"Wheelchair tax The new tax on wheelchairs has been met with major resistance, with some users refusing to stand for it.
"
11244,"Being the President is seriously stressful. Kennedy lost his mind!
"
26077,"If I haven't said something mildly offensive today I'm sorry and I promise to try harder
"
149300,"What do you call a bad Cubs game? Unbearable
"
36741,"A man walks into the shop of a psychic barber Barber: Say no more
"
228937,"A feminist once asked me, """"What's your view on lesbians?"""" I said """"1080p""""
"
126361,"Are you ignorant or apathetic ? I don't know, and I don't care...
"
40975,"What kind of bar do fish go to? A sand bar.
"
164345,"What did one meme say to the other meme? Dank
"
70932,"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
"
77164,"Those a-hole guys on """"Teen Mom"""" don't think being a dad is """"cool."""" Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so """"swag! """" lol
"
73055,"Wife: """"Tony is coming round"""" Me: """"Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?"""" Tony: """"I'm here for the money."""" *DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
"
65284,"My boss asked if I accomplished my years resolution Nope, I'm still working here
"
195718,"Stop. Stop it right now. I'm going to count to five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. ~A parenting haiku.
"
134096,"TGIF - A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside ...
"
202818,"How did I win a Super Smash Bros. Brawl Tournament? I met a knight
"
173530,"America was declared the country with most busty people. In the both genders category.
"
146897,"if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
"
84668,"Did you hear about the most recent police shooting? I heard they killed a law-abiding, productive member of society.
"
212474,"Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
"
38708,"On a scale of 1 to fucked, how fucked is FIFA? FIFucked.
"
2198,"Did you guys hear about the girl that had three vaginas? She kept getting fucked left, right and centre.
"
41605,"A man is driving and hits a pole. """"I knew I never should've driven in Poland!""""
"
72921,"Taught my grandmother that """"Jabroni"""" means """"fine young man"""" and it's made our time out in public way more interesting.
"
31839,"Given their destructive force to homes, kids' birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
"
140104,"What's the difference between tulips and roses? roses hurt when your dick is between them.
"
76190,"Don't talk down to me just because I'm drunk on tequila. That's Patronizing.
"
144687,"Why did the Crimean run across the Street? Because he was Russian
"
220305,"Lately I've been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
"
1243,"There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she's left. She obviously wasn't blind at all.
"
101667,"How Fat Was She!!! She was so fat I got done fucking her and rolled over twice, and I was still on the bitch.
"
79080,"My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She's always been thoughtful.
"
27603,"My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds Only 13 more to go
"
218271,"You know what the problem is with dating a white girl with a mixed baby? The kid never spends the weekend at their dad's house. **I'll just see myself out**
"
159836,"GOVERNMENT VS. MAFIA Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia? A: One of them is organized.
"
155036,"Have you heard about these new Oak woord, gold-finished coffins? Apparently they're to die for.
"
56391,"I've compiled my bucket list. 4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe, 2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits.
"
7875,"What do cannibals call shin meat? Below knee
"
169439,"My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house. Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though
"
92492,"Did you hear some expert thieves stole the toilets from the police station? The police were left with nothing to go on.
"
5255,"Q: What's the good part about having alzheimer's? You can hide your own easter eggs.
"
32956,"Father: """" I know the answer to your bad grades. You're spending too much time watching television."""" Son: """" I'm sorry you'll have to phrase that in the form of a  question.""""
"
37435,"I'm a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
"
161846,"How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb ? 1 or 2 ? 1... or 2...
"
203899,"A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
"
166477,"We have enough pictures of airplane wings now, people who travel. Thanks.
"
17390,"I'll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that's like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
"
105588,"The little Jack to his mom : Mommy, I'm fed up with sleeping with Jimmy ! Don't tell that again, you know we can afford funerals for him !
"
101682,"I painted my computer black so it would run faster Now it doesn't work. Edit: Should I have tagged this with something? New to posting here
"
179883,"What's better than winning a gold medal at the Paralympics? Walking
"
29256,"My neighbor is loud and obnoxious Now I know how Canada feels
"
136256,"Deez Nutz GOTEM!
"
12505,"Possum 911: What's your emergency Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD! Possum 911: You sure they aren't just playing? Possum: Oh yeah
"
66100,"Unfair fight. Housewife Holly Holm defeats Rousey with ironing skills... Because she layed her out and starched her ass.
"
218915,"What do you call the corner of the market that specializes in philosophy? A Nietzsche market!
"
138496,"What kind of bees give milk? Boo-bees.
"
27776,"What's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard.
"
14588,"What do you call a fat, Italian-American ghost? A gabaGHOUL!!
"
120713,"NSFW: """"Do you spit or swallow?"""" I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, """"Do you spit or swallow?""""   She slapped my face and stormed off... I'm never taking anyone to wine tasting again!!
"
66963,"Why do American's take letters out of words? Because they're lazy, and they hate U.
"
31546,"What's the difference between feminism and a $100 bill? A $100 bill makes change
"
46186,"Math class is like a penis... Its long and hard, unless you're asian!
"
14339,"What was Hitler's favorite game? Nahtzee.
"
91612,"What do you get when you cross a Jamaican and a Scotsman Dreadlochs
"
170889,"What did the gay bar say to the straight bar? Q: What did the gay bar say to the straight bar? A: I'm not gay. Its just the guys that come inside me.
"
193631,"Did you hear about Helen Keller's dating life? because I heard she wasn't seeing anyone
"
82804,"Numbers don't lie but they don't tell the truth either. They're NUMBERS.
"
48268,"What's little,metal, and will ruin dinner A bullet in your face
"
203067,"How do tectonic plates have fun? They meet up and crack each other up.
"
105761,"In a courtroom... *Mickey. mouse, it says here you want to divorce mini because she was... extremely silly? """"No! I said she was fucking goofy!!""""
"
132220,"Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
"
5040,"Fidel Castro's last words Fidel Castro's final words were: """"revive me I have the ray gun""""
"
6934,"What's the difference between an oyster with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? Well, one you shuck between the fits and the other...
"
145682,"Now the UK is out of the EU we can ban pre-shredded cheese. Make Britain grate again.
"
168733,"Yo momma is so fat......... Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, """"We are family, even though you're fatter than me.""""
"
125956,"Yo mama so ugly just after she was born her  mother said """"What a treasure!"""" and her father said """"Yes let's go  bury it.""""
"
107702,"If I wanted a Joke Id just stick the microphone to your moms vagina, the last thing that came out was a joke
"
92917,"Give a man an axe and he'll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he'll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
"
165114,"After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyways.
"
75228,"Two Kentucky psychology majors were walking  through the campus. """"Do you consider a 1441.Q. high?"""" """"Yes!"""" """"For the  whole basketball team?""""
"
31965,"What do you call a Mexican Juggalo? A Faygo Diego
"
132751,"What do women and modern computers have in common? Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy
"
6558,"A guy I know calls women's periods """"shark week."""" I asked him why, and he told me """"Beware of blood in the water. The fearsome beast will bite your head clean off, unprovoked, when you least expect it.""""
"
5042,"What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don't fuck a sandwich before I eat it
"
139774,"Q: What is a conservative? A: A liberal who's been mugged.
"
24398,"What do people drink at Club Obi-Wan? Qui-Gon Gin.
"
224494,"*puts on white shirt* *accidentally spills coffee* *takes off shirt* *shoves shirt into coffee pot* *puts on brown shirt*
"
90831,"What's the difference between bullets and everyone? Everyone misses Harambe.
"
176575,"I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
"
183298,"What do you get when you cross a weasel with a whale? A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.
"
188065,"how many corrections officers does it take to throw an inmate down the stairs? none he fell
"
183855,"Why do shower heads have 11 holes? Cause Jews only have ten fingers.
"
228458,"Republicans always take the price tag off  expensive gifts before wrapping. Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
"
169897,"Have you guys seen the trailer for that new Moby Dick movie? I think it looks like a huge flop.
"
135263,"Twitter is an amazing source of useful information, the way a haystack is an amazing source of needles.
"
52551,"Strawberry is a terrible name. """"Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,"""" you'd think. But you'd be wrong
"
56337,"Will you get mad? Wife: *Honey, do I look fat in this dress?* Husband: *Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?* Wife: *No, silly. Of course not* Husband: *I slept with your sister*
"
134886,"You really have to hand it to the members of the African American community.
"
34931,"Like father, like son Son: Dad, why do people suffer so much in life? Dad: ... for the final five push-ups.
"
95466,"If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
"
98103,"What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag's a big plus.
"
9299,"I'm the Babe Ruth of the toilet I always get the runs
"
78958,"What is a cheating wife's worst nightmare? A husband in his hybrid
"
228050,"What do you call a chicken that has passed on? A poultrygheist.
"
98595,"The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar It was tense.
"
46821,"Who do you get if you cross Arnold Schwarzenegger with Michael Jackson? Michael Wasanigger
"
93914,"Why did they arrest the musician? He got into treble.
"
68935,"What Central American country has the most spooks? Ghosta Rica!
"
158402,"How do you know if a girl is hungry or horny? Give her a cucumber and see what hole she puts it in. How do know if she's hungry &amp; horny? When she sits on the cucumber and then eats the pickle.
"
199947,"If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I'd have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
"
34607,"Why did Al Gore get nipple rings? because he heard George Bush had a dick cheney
"
32122,"Wife said she was 'retaining water' and I said I'd wondered who drained the swimming pool. Been 4 days and I'm still hiding in the attic
"
177442,"I'm so poor... I can't even **pay** attention
"
159087,"I like my women like I like my cheese. Cold and blue.
"
184358,"Where does bad light end up? In a prism.
"
6971,"Why did the hipster burn his tounge on his coffee? Cus he drank it before it was cool...
"
23101,"Your mom is like a vacuum cleaner. She sucks balls and then gets laid in the closet.
"
219274,"What do you call an abominable snowman who's always late? A not-yeti.
"
18792,"What supervillain do you know the least about? Loki , because he is low-key.
"
119325,"I've accepted that my brother is never paying back that money I loaned him... I've lost interest, and I'm just giving up on the principal.
"
24935,"I registered as a sex offender.. ..just so I wouldn't have to wake up early to drive the kids to school.
"
129725,"My lesbian neighbour just gave me a Rolex I think she misunderstood when I told her I wanna watch...
"
38589,"Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that's all you'll have to make your kids think you're cool.
"
52728,"Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
"
207340,"What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick into your mouth.
"
124096,"""""97% of the world's population is homosexual."""" - survey based on YouTube comments
"
78209,"Policeman: Why were you speeding? Driver: I didn't want to be late for my trial.
"
156048,"""""Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma"""" """"Shut up, and keep digging""""
"
172693,"A 40 year-old man is walking into some dark woods with an 8 year-old girl... ...the girl says, """"These woods are scary!"""" The man says, """"How do you think I feel? I have to walk out all by myself!""""
"
197972,"Why did your sister shoot the alarm clock ? Because she felt like killing time.
"
153516,"What do Muslims eat for Thanksgiving? Quran-berries!
"
143027,"Did you hear about the blonde who froze to death at the drive in theater? She went to see Closed for the winter.
"
74131,"How many men does it take to wallpaper a feminists house? Only one, but you have to slice him REALLY thin!
"
68786,"Reddit is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.
"
70455,"She is not my reword, I am her punishment.
"
102438,"My sex life is like Blackjack... I always hit on 16.
"
112102,"Why do librarians like the wind? It says, """"Shhh!"""" all day!
"
31250,"*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle* """"No no, allow me"""" *gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
"
140174,"What kinda pet would John Wayne get?... He'd get a long little doggie.
"
202802,"What does a 90 year old woman taste like? Depends.
"
71662,"*goes to the park* *spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
"
10378,"One day, some dude was all """"You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,"""" and everybody went """"That is a GREAT idea.""""
"
1990,"Pinocchio When did Pinocchio learn he was made of wood? when his hand caught fire!!
"
51284,"Why was the Xbox 360 named as it was? Cos when I seen one i turnt 360 degrees and walked away Playstation for life xD
"
166704,"Me: My father's name is LAUGHING and my Mother's name is SMILING.  Teacher: You must be Kidding? Me: No, that's my brother. I'm JOKING.
"
143761,"a strain of weed that permanently erases your memories and reduces your brainwaves to the carefree infantile state of a newborn baby
"
92266,"I made a bet with my sister that I could make a working car out of spaghetti.. ..you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
"
97224,"What does a man eat when he cannot run off with his girlfriend? Cantaloupe
"
206496,"One time a girl tried sleeping with me for adderall... She was a total attention whore.
"
218578,"A Jewish boy asks his father for 50 bucks. What the hell are you going to do with 30 dollars? Why do you want 10 dollars?
"
118123,"The ratio of guys to girls in my friend group Is undefined!
"
204964,"What was the name of Hitler's Political Party: A, B, C, or D? Heres a hint: It's not C!
"
51966,"How do you call a person that is afraid of people homophobic
"
32950,"What's the difference between a dept. store Santa and a male prostitute? I've never been employed as a dept. store Santa.
"
179760,"Typing """"I hate Reddit"""" brings up the following sub-Reddit http://www.reddit.com/r/fatpeoplehate/
"
110578,"Graphic designers just aren't my type.
"
172770,"I told my son that I found his hamster. He was ecstatic. Until I said it was in the vacuum cleaner.
"
97863,"""""When I was your age, I invented the time machine"""" I told my Granddad.
"
203720,"If two vegans have an argument... is it still considered beef?
"
23971,"Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there.
"
88575,"Why did Ayn Rand lose the pool tournament? She wouldn't play on a regulation size table
"
97566,"*everybody gasps as I drop the baby* Oh no was it expensive?
"
147586,"What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
"
66716,"GOT knock knock Knock knock? Who's there? No one. No one, who? Jk it's Arya Stark. I'm out, Jaqen H'ghar.
"
33595,"What is the definition of a caterpillar ? A worm in a fur coat !
"
55407,"How do you spot an engineer at a party? He'll come up to you and tell you himself.
"
9511,"Instead of murder/suicide, I'm contemplating the rare suicide/murder, whereby I jump out a high window and land on my girlfriend.
"
1483,"What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.
"
231269,"My Favorite Politician Quote (not sure if this belongs here but what the hell) """"Madam, I may be drunk but you're ugly, and in the morning I'll be sober."""" - Winston Churchill
"
55360,"What do you call it when a lemon jerks off her own brother until he chafes? Inzest
"
209981,"Subway sandwich artists seem like they'd rather kill their mother with an AIDS hammer than give you extra toppings.
"
82663,"So I was talking to a Christian mother We were talking and she said """"I tell my kids Santa doesn't exist, I don't want them to believe in stuff that isn't real.""""
"
86567,"Why did the Chinese kangaroo turn red? Because it was making a Great Leap Forward.
"
79457,"I went to Prague recently... I had a really good time. You should Czech it out.
"
224370,"I once dated a girl with twelve nipples Sounds weird, dozentit?
"
154427,"Which is the smartest tall mountain? Mt. Cleverest Hue hue
"
173561,"What do you get when you play a country song backwards? Your wife back, your dog back, your house back...
"
199409,"Old school chicken joke Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and crossed the road again? Because he was a dirty double-crosser!
"
153503,"Why don't midgets like barbecues? because the steaks are too high.
"
151523,"How do you know if someone doesn't like Football and isn't going to watch the Super Bowl? They'll tell you
"
140782,"Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing ? Because they're crab apples !
"
100266,"You say I'm """"Dirty minded"""" but then how did you understand what I meant?
"
119033,"Did you hear the one about Sodium? Na
"
131990,"Pretty cool how you can turn cotton into delicious candy or a totally comfortable shirt to wear.
"
194066,"Q: What goes """"krab krab krab""""? - A: A dog barking in a mirror.
"
163803,"Whenever a Mexican makes fun of you, just say this Siete-Cero
"
67488,"2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine, both in hospital...one's in a korma..
"
129026,"The monkey at the zoo ruined my new shirt. I should have seen it coming.
"
123711,"I love Taco Bell so much that I even enjoy being *asked* what style of tacos I want... I get hard every time.
"
219310,"The average person has sex 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
"
111532,"This gay guy I met was named Cinnamon(synonym) Now my ass is thesaurus
"
153467,"George Michael has been accused of organ trafficking It turns out Last Christmas, someone gave him their heart
"
48725,"Why was Hitler a pussy? Because he had nein lives!
"
178277,"my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
"
121077,"In his prime, Richard Simmons was, at best, in just okay shape.
"
178543,"What do vegetable do when they got robbed? They dont.
"
194652,"Two Cookies Two cookies are baking in an oven. The first cookie says, """"Man it's hot in here."""" The second cookie says, """"Holy crap! A talking cookie!""""
"
330,"If chopsticks were really better than a fork... ...wouldn't we be digging ditches with pool cues?
"
158154,"Why do asians got to the hospital after voting? Everyone knows that you should see a doctor for an erection that last longer than 4 hours.
"
108960,"I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.
"
80247,"A man goes to the doctor and says """"I've got a problem, I have 5 penises"""" The doctor says """"Woow, how do your pants fit?"""", he replies """"like a glove""""
"
200114,"Wearing a wig is probably worth the hassle for those moments when you get to dramatically pull it off your weary, tearful head.
"
157472,"69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I'm going down, you're coming with me.
"
15225,"Why is NASA having a lawsuit filed against them from animal protection? ...because curiosty killed the cat
"
29980,"did you hear about the time they strapped a Timex watch on an old, flea-bitten dog to see what would happen? The watch kept ticking, the ticks kept watching.
"
223123,"Why is North Korea disliked by South Korea? It's because they are a Seoulless nation.
"
17193,"At least he won't annoy his co-workers every week. What did the mother and father camel name their baby born without a hump? Humphrey!
"
56612,"Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with """"Kodak""""? Nicki Minaj: """"Kodak"""", duh... Pitbull: Thanks!
"
184603,"How do you make pickle bread? You need dill dough.
"
206622,"How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it's half empty.
"
24577,"When everyone around you has their phone out... I guess you could say... you're in a phony world... I am so sorry guys.
"
141019,"My phone got married last week. The service was good despite the lousy reception.
"
76740,"Why do jews like jail Because of all the shackles.....im terribly sorry
"
187414,"I've been informed that """"Ped Xing"""" means """"Pedestrian Crossing."""" So what? Child molesters on horseback should get out of my way, too.
"
186095,"Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
"
8174,"What has two thumbs and got laid last night? My hands.
"
15871,"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.
"
184238,"how is my dick like a diamond? its the hardest substance on earth, it can't be crushed, and every girl dreams of having it.
"
10482,"Wouldn't it be great if Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber hooked up... to one of Dr. Kevorkian's machines?
"
56351,"College: Now that you're making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year Me: lol College: lol ikr?
"
119505,"What do McDonald's and a pedophile have in common? They both stick their meat between seven-year-old buns.
"
213599,"Did you hear about the man with five penises? His condom fitted like a glove.
"
72940,"What do you call a car with a broken exhaust? Emission impossible
"
155841,"Drinking Light Beer is like going down on your sister.. it tastes the same, but just isn't right.
"
168392,"I like to make a sandwich with just cucumbers and pickles... I call it the Before and After
"
148942,"I just call everyone viewers...... so I won't mistake their gender.
"
220434,"Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
"
14071,"What did the sphinx say? What did the sphinx say when he found out the pharaoh caught him up in a pyramid scheme? Egypt me!
"
43027,"Where is the best place to find discounted ray bans? &gt; marked as spam
"
222752,"Why is does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it'd be called a chicken sedan. (better if saying it out loud because of the spelling of coop/coupe) ;-;
"
176152,"A man once ate a whole deck of playing cards. A couple of hours later, he had to drop a deuce.
"
174931,"Where do Russians get their milk from? From moscow
"
71452,"In olden times it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Since then weddings have been held there and times haven't changed at all!
"
35255,"To the Engineer To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
"
147957,"My neighbors are gay I guess you could say I'm by sexuals
"
124605,"Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a  telephone pole? A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone
"
9785,"What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
"
174685,"What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts? Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent """"Rax on, Rax off""""
"
58493,"There are two kinds of people in the world: Those that can extrapolate from missing information.
"
228351,"Have you ever heard a joke with no punchline?
"
225507,"This one time in high school I was called to the front of the class while I had hardest boner I ever had. It was the only time I thanked God for giving me a micro penis.
"
1365,"A barbed-wire tattoo on my arm keeps my arm horses from running away
"
124755,"Why do my eyes hurt? Because I got eye lashes.
"
220684,"I have a friend who won't admit that he dresses up as Santa every year. He's pretty deep in the Clauset.
"
180651,"Enjoying Life There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my wife when she has the hiccups. I wish I could wake up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.
"
136234,"If only people were named after their tattoo's. This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.
"
215953,"I feel like a battery because I am not included in anything :(
"
946,"I can't believe I forgot to bring sunscreen to the beach.... ...boy was my face red.
"
42269,"What do you call a broken lizard? Ereptile dysfunction
"
56243,"What's the difference between Barack Obama and Cecil the lion? Ones an African lion, the other's a lyin' African.
"
31194,"Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
"
143189,"what did the melon say to the cookie? nothing, melons can't talk
"
194890,"What happened to the Italian chef when he died? He *pasta way*.
"
163237,"do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don't have to be there
"
145810,"A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor """"Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
"
179403,"Went to watch 'Comedy Thesaurus - The Punny Years' at the local theater yesterday. Disappointing, it was just a play on words.
"
134329,"My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday So I took her to a baseball game
"
227538,"Great news for the Texas Rangers baseball players Now that Ron Washington is no longer the manager, they are putting coke back in the vending machines
"
1173,"Two ducks are arguing in a bar about quantum physics... One turns to the other and says, 'Quark Quark' The other says, I'll have a Harvey Schrodinger, thanks'.
"
68760,"Worst Betrayals in History: - Judas turning on Jesus - Brutus helping to murder Caesar - Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
"
119536,"I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!
"
117382,"Which letter has the best bum? Big Rs
"
204030,"A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I only know because they told everybody
"
148215,"a neanderthal scrawls a message on a cave wall, the etchings begin to glow red as he exceeds 140 characters
"
67975,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bunny ! Bunny who ? Bunny thing is I've forgotten now !kn
"
26567,"When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
"
88906,"Bin Laden's neighbours interviewed """"we had no idea...he just kept himself to himself really...""""
"
61685,"People tell me filling animals with helium is bad.. But i say whatever floats your goat.
"
12744,"What do you call the divorce between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? a Brexit
"
185230,"what has nine legs, four feet and orange? Nothing, fuck off
"
81109,"What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? One makes your whole day the other makes your hole weak!
"
3641,"Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
"
88190,"Why do black people have white hands and feet? Because everyone has a little bit of good in them.
"
91695,"I heard Hotel California for the 6th time on the radio during my cross country road trip. You can change the station any time you like, but the song never leaves
"
26661,"What's the great thing about 25 year olds? There's 20 of them.
"
115025,"So my dyslexia makes it hard for me to take public transportation and... ...oops. Sorry. Wrong bus.
"
92091,"Did you hear about the 2 men who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.
"
164761,"What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster? - Grandma monster
"
98603,"What do you call an Irish guy with no arms and no legs hanging out on your front porch? Patio Furniture.
"
39454,"Why did the siamese twins moved to England? So the other one would also drive
"
142030,"Police were called to a day care Toddler was resisting a rest.
"
182777,"A young child says to his mother... """"Mom, when I'm a grown-up I want to be a musician."""" She replies, """"Well honey, you know you can't be both.""""
"
86986,"I have just read an interesting dictionary. It had literally no metaphors. I'll ^show^myself^out...
"
192609,"Sex is like a snowstorm... Sex is like a snowstorm: It's advertised a beautiful, in reality gets messy very quickly, and if you take 10"""" overnight you are *not* moving the next day.
"
21470,"Girl, did you fall out of heaven? Cause you're showing signs of deranged cognitive abilities in your brain highly suggestive of Post-concussion syndrome.
"
100684,"Do you sell bloodpants? """"Nope"""" Shitpants? """"Nope"""" Droolpants? """"Nope"""" Sweatpants? """"Right this way...""""
"
67134,"Girlfriend bugging you to get married? Propose to her in the most inappropriate place. """"I'll have the McChicken. AND YOUR HAND IN MARRIAGE!""""
"
197175,"What can we take away from the first 20 seconds of the new Suicide Squad trailer It's Zack Snyders wet dream...
"
124387,"Wana hear a Canadian joke? Toronto maple leafs.
"
43423,"Did you know that 1 in every doll, in every doll, in every doll, in every doll are Russian?
"
67957,"while memes are a great gateway to wasting your life away online,, they're not for everyone . ask your doctor if memes are right for you
"
138088,"Why were the absurdly dressed chickens escorted from the basketball game? Because two flagrant fouls is an automatic ejection.
"
148662,"There are three types of people in the world. Those that understand math and those that don't.
"
176892,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Alda ! Alda who ? Alda time you knew who it was !
"
33593,"When did you stop beating your wife? When we stopped having masturbation races.
"
126732,"Punctuation is everything: """"Will you marry me"""" is a marriage proposal """"Will, You, Mary, Me"""" = a Foursome Inquiry
"
171619,"You know your relationship is losing its spark when your wife wears a rape whistle to bed.
"
211635,"What do you call four white guys in a band? The 4Skins
"
166468,"Tupac Hologram owes me $50 if you see him materialize any time soon tell him I'm looking for him
"
29127,"I went into a cafe and said, """" A crocodile sandwich and make it snappy.""""
"
45595,"Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
"
19191,"I wanted to watch the inauguration today But Eisenhower late.
"
106131,"Why does it take southerners so long to do their chores? Because slavery is illegal.
"
208969,"Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I'm too nice of a person to tell you I'm surprised you got laid in the first place.
"
161117,"I wish I was just like my nose And all it takes is spicy food to get me to run.
"
12990,"Apparently 95% of the girl like to be waking up by oral sex !!! Well its not true, """"WHO ARE YOU AND REMOVE THIS FROM MY MOUTH"""" Said the girl in the park yesterday !!
"
191597,"The best joke ever... ...Reddit's servers!
"
131413,"Don't use asian prostitutes you'll just be horny again in an hour
"
84267,"What did Spock find in the Enterprises's toilet? ... ... ... ... ... ... The captain's log!
"
171116,"What's the difference between Donald Trump and Moby Dick? Moby is just named Dick but Trump is an actual dick.
"
114851,"I had a passionate affair with a girl from the circus It was in tents.
"
201505,"My family leaves lights on that I didn't even know we had.
"
82093,"It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
"
230555,"My friends keep saying, """"If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country!"""" But I think Carlos, Jose, and Alejandro are all talk.
"
211691,"You have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand, so what do you have? Hulk's dick in your mouth.
"
168964,"Life and beer are very similar........chill for best results.
"
106908,"Who is this Rorschach guy?... ...and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
"
160026,"I can dig graves my entire life and nobody calls me a landscaper, but i suck one dick! And they call me gay for life!
"
134134,"I think the girl I just met may be a goddess... because even though she's never talked to me, later tonight billions will be massacred by my hand in her name.
"
160447,"Before Facebook, you had to """"like"""" things with your feelings.
"
54057,"What do you call a redneck orgy? A family reunion.
"
61358,"Mariage is like deck of cards At first its like a diamond and heart. Then it turns into a club and spade.
"
143992,"Jesus rose on the third day. He then went over to the men and said... """"Hola, senor! What is my job?""""
"
191252,"Someone asked me when the narwhal bacons... ...my response was: """"huh?""""
"
222491,"What do you get when Philip Glass breaks? John Cage.
"
6250,"A Priest a Rabbi and a Nun walk into a bar The bartender looks up and says, """"What is this some kind of joke?""""
"
152822,"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket. """"Some asshole's got my pen""""
"
51113,"I think if I was a lifeguard I would just talk shit through my megaphone. """"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING... WHO WEARS CARGO SHORTS TO THE POOL.""""
"
217400,"Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
"
64030,"Paula Deen reportably has type 2 diabeties. Any word on she's serving it with butter?
"
86273,"What is a buddhist's favorite pizza? One with everything
"
14807,"What do two rednecks say to each other after a break up? Let's go back to being cousins.
"
97600,"Croc sandals are like getting a blowjob from a dude... They feel amazing but you realize how gay you are when you look down.
"
148128,"I just got a job as a triangle player in a reggae band It's really easy, I just stand at the back and ting
"
120538,"Why wasn't Christ born in Italy? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
"
55880,"A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods The bear asks the rabbit - """"do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"""" """"Nope"""" So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.
"
206335,"Yesterday, my dog was humping my leg So stupid, had to show him where my butthole was.
"
154102,"So I drew a perfect circle today. You could say I finally got around to it.
"
49837,"Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
"
123929,"At a job interview I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly. """"Nervous?"""" asked the interviewer. I responded, """"No, I always give 110%.""""
"
89708,"Jamie Oliver says there's """"nothin worse in the world than an undercooked green bean"""" I'll go out on a limb & say he doesn't watch the news.
"
72537,"The man who invented autocorrect just died. His funfair will be on Monkey.
"
16597,"What's the difference between a pineapple and the White House? A pineapples pricks are on the outside.
"
27237,"How do you start an Ethiopian rave? Staple some food to the ceiling.
"
92240,"You can't lose a homing pigeon... If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.
"
78523,"Did you hear about the new """"morning after"""" pill for men? It changes your blood type.
"
38743,"Why does Kim Jong Un love books? Because he is the Supreme Reader.
"
176123,"Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I'm going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
"
92846,"There's a new drinking game... You draw a random card from a deck &amp; if it's black you take a shot.... We call it """"Ferguson""""
"
122905,"You really gotta hand it to short people.. Because they usually can't reach it anyways.
"
231233,"A republican posts in /r/politics...
"
162076,"People say I've got no willpower But I've quit smoking loads of times.
"
73720,"*decides to go on a diet* *smokes weed* *eats a horse*
"
38415,"[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant] FRIEND: You seen my elephant? ME: no FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
"
138305,"Did Jesus ever get drunk? I dunno either, but I heard he got hammered once.
"
71866,"[interview] Okay, don't let him know ur a vampire. """"What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?"""" OH COME ON
"
93539,"What is a Word documents least favorite blood type? Type-O
"
166515,"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger Is a terrible thing to say to someone with a muscle eating disease.
"
79807,"Why do men get erections while they sleep? So they don't accidentally roll out of bed.
"
142705,"Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn't have bought all this meat.
"
6364,"Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* """"sketchy"""". Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
"
107986,"Did anyone else hear that France is changing the color of its flag to plain white? Supposedly it is to make battles easier.
"
224076,"How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, or two? One .... or two?
"
122786,"Always remember the first move in every fight...punch to the balls.
"
15809,"If you're wearing sandals with pants on i just want you to know I'm the one who spit on the back of your shirt.
"
103084,"What do you call a banker's disgusting fetish? His gross interest.
"
51001,"My friend told me he was terrified of pedophiles... I told him to grow up.
"
186667,"My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated. We think that's what killed her.
"
120862,"Why do donut shops not hire security? Because Cops go there willingly. Free security and protection.
"
86914,"Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently. California said """"It's not our fault.""""
"
205464,"How is a 9 Volt Battery similar to an Anus? You know you shouldn't, but eventually you're gunna lick it.
"
32592,"A reddit Moderator told me I have to flair my post.... So I replied, """"Well, that's only flair.""""
"
150523,"Because it pisses off r/funny Why would I type the punchline in the title?
"
137855,"It's a little sad that today's youth don't get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
"
38383,"What's the spaciest kind of camel? Andromedary
"
105773,"Did you hear about the deaf man who was diagnosed with cancer? He didn't.
"
213002,"By the year 2020, the word """"Silly"""" will be considered Harmful. It will be replaced by """"Seriously Challenged.""""
"
212732,"What did Missy Elliot say to Tony Abbot? Is it worth it?
"
79093,"Im opening a ice cream parlor in Israel... Its called """"The Creamatorium""""
"
216920,"Anyone hungry? I read there's some leftover cat.
"
21424,"What do you call Jewish coffee? Hebrew
"
80742,"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly, because they're full of shit.
"
173548,"Somewhere in the world, a woman gives birth once a minute. It must suck to be her.
"
199393,"Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say """"Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?"""" And he can, he can hold them all.
"
222556,"What's the difference between a black person and a bicycle tire? The bicycle tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.
"
41785,"God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
"
168918,"How to climb a flight of stairs? Step one Step two Step three
"
11076,"What do Canadian girls have? Boobehs
"
118857,"What do you call and Irishman who works in a French cafe? Paddy Hor D'oeuvre
"
201832,"My Ex Wife Still Misses me, BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER, HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! You see, it's funny cause marriage is terrible. Edit: Joaige
"
89301,"[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man] """"Hey"""" Hi """"Can I ask you something?"""" Yup """"Why'd you name the dog 'Another Man' babe?""""
"
28272,"Really Speedo Guy? Things aren't bad enough in the world already? You've got to display to the whole beach that you're hung like a Tic-Tac?
"
169299,"Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
"
12,"What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.
"
42233,"Scientists just discovered a contraceptive better than a condom It's called your face
"
35905,"Two guys are walking when they come across a dog on the sidewalk, licking his balls. One guys says, """"I wish I could do that."""" The other guy says, """"You better pet him first to make sure he's friendly.""""
"
103560,"I got burned by a piece of metal on my pants when I pulled them from the dryer. It was a hot button issue.
"
221452,"What was the last thing Arnold Schwarzenegger said before he was eaten by cannibals? """"I'll be snack.""""
"
37157,"My favorite thing about hot weather is the way it makes the fat people disappear.
"
134040,"I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.
"
200999,"""""Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop"""" Ok hold up *pulls out iphone* """"Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop"""" ISIS:""""ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?""""
"
104054,"How can you tell if a woman's picture is photoshopped? She isn't standing in the kitchen
"
14451,"One man's trash is another man's treasure. Haha you are adopted. Credit to this post? https://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/3715bp/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure_would_be/
"
203578,"I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
"
110617,"Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
"
202772,"When my laptop asks """"Are you sure?"""", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
"
86806,"A little kid comes running into the backyard. He says """"Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"""" """"Son you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile.""""
"
224341,"Why couldn't the NSA do anything after the blizzard? Because they were Snowden.
"
131679,"Ever heard of the movie """"Constipation""""? Nope. --- That's because it hasn't come out yet.
"
10985,"My only talent is sleeping I could do it with my eyes closed.
"
102477,"What's the difference between radical feminists and a Valentine's Day mascot's tricks? One's Cupid stunts...
"
96587,"My girl's father said """"YOU TOOK MY DAUGHTER'S VIRGINITY""""! I replied, """"Sorry. Won't happen again!""""
"
98958,"According to a dating app, Amazon employees are more desirable than employees at other tech companies. Plus, if you sleep with one, they will recommend someone else you might also like.
"
200897,"I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
"
116499,"How much power does it take to move a tank? A horse
"
91505,"What do you call a woman flying a plane? A pilot, you sexist!
"
67388,"Wise Men Sea man came across a woman, there was a lot of cleaning up
"
95860,"What's Edward Elric's favorite band? My Alchemical Romance
"
142400,"What do you call a Native American who graduated from med school? A doctor, you racist!
"
171399,"Want to hear a bird joke? Oops i forgot it. *Hawkward*.
"
81298,"GRADUATION TIP: Don't graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can't make you leave if they can't find you!
"
168350,"If you have 10 apples and Michael takes 6. What colour is Michael?
"
46544,"You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
"
30167,"What I've said most in 2016 Table for 1 please
"
123919,"Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me Guy: Can't believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
"
181309,"I tried to put two apples together But then I got a pear
"
143348,"How do you know if someone owns an Apple Watch? Don't worry, they will tell you.
"
170852,"""""weed is a gateway drug"""" """"to what? the fridge? Hahaha"""" *loses car, house, wife, and job because of fridge addiction*
"
142851,"I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin... My wife told be that would be infant tile.
"
230622,"*brings a super-magnet to a knife fight* *discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*
"
25695,"To all you ladder manufacturers, I got something to tell you. Step it up!
"
39698,"So, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, right? I guess that's when the books started getting *dead Sirius*
"
110493,"My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, """"Who murdered this guy with a pipe?""""
"
84933,"When I'm on phone with tech support or costumer service, I say the whitest shit. """"Sure thing"""" - """"You bet"""" - """"Correct"""" - """"Tell me about it""""
"
129104,"Is it gay if a male doctor feels your balls while looking you deep in your eyes and isn't really a doctor but is just some guy at Target?
"
69426,"Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seat belt.
"
35869,"This popped into my head in class the other day... Why do professors like stats and physics students? Because they'll work for p naughts.
"
99462,"Some people come into your life for a reason. Like for target practice.
"
128968,"If Amy Poehler was a cold front.... She'd be the Poehler Vortex
"
193047,"Me: """"You didn't tell me that."""" Them: """"Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone."""" Me (looks up): """"I'm sorry, what?""""
"
1824,"Birds A duck walks into a restaurant. After eating a whole meal, he says to the waiter """"Just put is on my bill""""
"
207293,"The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute.
"
120570,"My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
"
29636,"What do you have if you are holding a cricket ball in each hand? A bloody big cricket.
"
109525,"Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
"
129831,"If anyone needs any morals, I have some I'm not using.
"
144628,"On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it's just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
"
184693,"Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
"
77264,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? THATS NOT FUNNY (must yell it)
"
3937,"My cell phone is so nervous whenever I go to the countryside... ...it's constantly on EDGE.
"
96948,"I'm crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
"
116375,"My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She's been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease.
"
12805,"Three blind lesbians walk into a fish market. They get confused
"
60800,"what did the tampon say to the other tampon as they passed each other in the street? NSFW nothing. they were both stuck up cunts!
"
82221,"Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
"
41941,"Pretty lame how horses and dogs don't capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
"
21005,"BOVINE HIJINX Q; What do cows do for fun? A: They go to the moo-vies!
"
53386,"Kinda wanna eat a jar of peanut butter, kinda wanna nap, kinda wanna punch a stranger. Being a woman is hard.
"
83877,"TOP REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES: 1) Ted Cruz 2) A gun 3) Your racist uncle 4) A gun in a cowboy hat 5) Jeb Bush 6) Literally a turd
"
81125,"""""Okay class, today we are going on a trip... *hands out acid*
"
135078,"""""Let's just kill ALL the characters"""" -Game of Thrones
"
33195,"I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name. He said, """"No way!"""", to which I replied, """"Yahweh"""".
"
143274,"Why weren't there any famous gun slingers in the Canadian West? Because they all wore mittens.
"
110383,"Never moon a werewolf
"
27579,"Final words on germanwings flight recorder: """"Dave's not here...""""
"
109497,"I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
"
166249,"I went to see a dermatologist. I asked him to do everything he could to stop me from breaking out. He locked all the doors and barricaded the windows.
"
32850,"How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2. But how did two flies get in a light bulb?
"
111071,"If brevity is the soul of wit... Why the fuck are some the jokes posted here so long?
"
85760,"Q: What do you call a spooky waterway? A: The Eerie Canal.
"
4690,"What's Santa's favourite metal band? Sleigher.
"
134170,"Never tell someone that it would work out if """"only they lived closer"""". Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
"
172033,"Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts? That's the spirit
"
146228,"Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me! I only received super fish oil injuries, but still...
"
8952,"I have a nightlight flashlight...I can only see in the dark for 2 seconds in 10 second intervals
"
212403,"No thanks farting robot on the wall I'll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
"
1562,"I named my eraser Confidence... Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
"
31566,"Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff? Because she was wearing mittens.
"
33278,"What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black.
"
158219,"You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog
"
21686,"they say a friend will come over and help you move and a good friend will help you move a body I have two good friends
"
137389,"What did Schwarzenegger say when deciding which composer to be for Halloween? I'll be Bach.
"
81660,"What's a philosopher's favorite toy? Play-doh.
"
141095,"What do you call a large bread disco? [deleted]
"
217751,"Holocaust jokes ARE NOT funny Anne Frankly, they make me disgusted.
"
92910,"Yo Momma so Fat When she met Stevie Wonder backstage. He was like """"Who brought a goddamned bouncy castle in here!""""
"
113074,"Little Johnny Johnny was a chemist's son, but Johnny is no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
"
153715,"Oh ..your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?:-)
"
229807,"Do you remember the """"Hold a coke with your boobs"""" challenge ? It was a trend a while back to promote awareness for breast cancer. I'm just glad a similar stunt wasn't pulled for prostate cancer.
"
51297,"I've been wondering for a while now... If a man who likes Asians has Yellow Fever, and a man who likes Africans has Jungle Fever; does that mean because I like Native Americans, that I have Smallpox?
"
215906,"What's Varys the Spider's favorite OS? Unix
"
167187,"Saw two construction workers laughing today... I know what they were really building: Friendship
"
131715,"Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
"
220214,"What do you call a dog that doesn't have a life and hangs around the club for too long? A bitch.
"
41546,"What's the best part about being an alcoholic stand-up comedian? If you're good you get laughs, and if you're bad you get booze.
"
225676,"How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
"
94562,"I'm gonna make a proctologist training video based on the Shawshank Redemption The main characters name will be Andy Dufranus
"
10526,"Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field.
"
106246,"*slowly pulls up in a car next to you when ur walking on the sidewalk* """"why did u favorite that instead of retweeting it?""""
"
199985,"What do lawyers wear to court? Law suits!
"
98438,"I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating. He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.
"
1229,"I see dead people. No wait, I take that back. I see people I want dead.
"
184414,"Sometimes I like to stand in front of a mirror and reflect.
"
44626,"Did you hear about the computer that ate an entire hamburger in one go? It was a megabyte.
"
85461,"How do you make dill bread? Dill dough.
"
84448,"SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die
"
201008,"So a politician dies... Ha!
"
168632,"Someone asked a ship captain if the rumor that he can't swim is true. """"Yes,"""" he replied. """"Can pilots fly?""""
"
117093,"I'll never forget my grandfather's last words ... """"Stop shaking the fucking ladder you little cunt!""""
"
153867,"Are we sure this new planet isn't just Pluto wearing a wig?
"
58567,"College doesn't prepare you for holding in farts in the workplace.
"
135849,"As a Malaysian, I thought that our Prime Minister would be crowned the worst political leader of the century But it looks like America has finally decided to us their Trump card.
"
109474,"My doctor told me I'm Bi-Polar I wasn't sure to laugh or cry.
"
139862,"My 2 year old loves Hello Kitty. My 6 month old, on the other hand, is really into Hello Titty.
"
75161,"Yesterday, my computer science teacher was teaching us about for-loops... ... he said it was a *for n* concept.
"
6860,"A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife but a Tiger Wood
"
196963,"I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me I'll never find love.
"
89984,"How is God just like a regular man? If you're not on your knees, he's not interested and you know what they say, abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.
"
101417,"Simba was moving too slow So I told him to Mufasa
"
99975,"9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
"
176209,"What's the big deal? Gay people could always get married. Just not to each other.
"
186388,"Presently poking others but your poke is important to me. Please stay online and your pokes will be returned in the order  they were received. Approximate wait time is five minutes.
"
67092,"When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
"
107169,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 had a gun.
"
120354,"FUN AT THE PARK Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching.
"
199893,"How do you make your girlfriend cry while you're having sex? Call and let her know.
"
130173,"this is your brain *points to egg* but this is your brain ON DRUGS *puts egg on pile of drugs*
"
176722,"Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day Teach a man to fish, and pretty soon the fisheries will be collapsing.
"
63733,"Why does Donald Trump dislike trees? Because they're brown and don't speak English.
"
159809,"Which administrative ghost is responsible for auditing all of the incoming/outgoing hauntings? The boo-keeper.
"
108239,"A dirty limerick I made up today ... I once met a girl named Susie. And, boy, was she a doozie! She loved me right, Made it last all night! And in the morning she blew me!
"
212849,"This joke will SHOCK you. how do you catch a mouse? Click baiting.
"
115560,"""""Helga tell me something. Why do Swedish men always have stupid grins on their faces?"""" """"Because they're stupid"""" said her friend.
"
115785,"There's 3 things I hate about r/jokes people who think they know the punchline and misleading titles.
"
148053,"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
"
173233,"I told my kids I'd rather they """"pull the plug"""" than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines. So they hid my phone charger.
"
225003,"If George Washington Carver became a teacher, what would his nickname be? The Nutty Professor
"
153091,"What do you call a puppy with a camera? A furtographer
"
164617,"My mate wears the same jacket when he's impersonating either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman. Maybe he's Bourne with it, maybe it's Wolverine.
"
222994,"I heard if you went on a diet.. you could end world hunger.
"
202277,"Knock Knock... """"Come in!""""
"
133274,"I need Irish jokes, pronto! Just 'cause
"
144302,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Buckle ! Buckle who ? Buckle get you a drink but not much else !
"
44362,"What do you say to a two headed monster? Hello hello.
"
100346,"Early this morning I was sitting on the beach wondering where the sun was... then it dawned on me
"
58790,"What do you call a god who lacks self-confidence? An atheist. He doesn't really believe in himself.
"
223973,"Why was the horseman fired from his job of  saddle testing? He was always standing up on the job!
"
71155,"Life is like a box of chocolates... Mostly nuts and sometimes you get brown stuff on your hands.
"
12698,"So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise. When I said to myself, """"Self..."""" """"I shoulda made a sandwich first.""""
"
145489,"50/50 What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
"
130844,"If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
"
156059,"My phone knows the word """"giveth"""" but not the word """"fuck."""" Perfectly useful for speaking to knights but not for describing what they did.
"
83117,"Punchline... Joke...
"
213905,"Women- God's version of a Rubik's cube.
"
65037,"Printer tired while printing her picture Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
"
36087,"Don't tell them but... I write horrible things about illiterate people.
"
53375,"Why couldn't Cauchy lose any weight? Because every time he saw a street pole he imagined two pies.
"
195482,"Why are British anti-smoking PSA's often made by homophobes? Because they want to prevent people from bumming fags
"
108132,"What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage.
"
52682,"My father used to say """"Life is like a box of chocolates..."""" **BECAUSE WOMEN WILL DESTROY YOU.**
"
43199,"Daddy, can I have another cup of water? """"Sure, son. But it's your 12th cup tonight..."""" """"I know, the baby's room is still on fire.""""
"
28908,"Just shook a piece of cellophane off my finger and now I'm exhausted.
"
221199,"Why was the burger thrown out of the Army? He couldn't pass mustard! (muster)
"
186737,"I gave a homeless guy some cheese today. I feel gouda 'bout it.
"
19344,"How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but when he unscrews the bulb, the lights go out and your xbox is gone.
"
115214,"Where was the male lion's favorite vacation spot? Maine
"
122243,"I have the heart of a lion... and a lifelong ban from the zoo.
"
59128,"I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from """"Married"""" to """"It's Complicated.""""
"
108294,"The difference between being interrogated by a terrorist & interrogated by a woman is that eventually the terrorist will end your suffering.
"
68826,"So Obama's leaving, and Trump is going into office I orange really is the new black.
"
63889,"Did you hear about the happy Roman? He was glad-he-ate-her
"
138333,"I clicked """"Going"""" on a Facebook event last week but now I feel like staying in... *masked tough guys throw me in a van* """"You committed, pal""""
"
70785,"So, my mate Vincent cut his ear off and his wife asked him why? He just told her """" I guess I just had to 'let it Gogh'. EDIT: removed the u from gogh
"
94734,"A bear and a bunny... Are shitting in the woods. The bear asks the bunny: """"Do you find that shit sticks to your fur?"""" The bunny says, """"No, why?"""" So the bear picks up the bunny and wipes his ass.
"
32702,"Why did the neck bone explode? It was C4.
"
137788,"Got in a fight with my wife while camping... It was in tents.
"
864,"What is a name for a female lawyer? Sue
"
14589,"I'm far less concerned with who let it out, and more curious as to why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
"
123580,"When I got my first pube, I left it under the pillow for the Pube Fairy. He came. All over my pillow.
"
138363,"My new telly is brilliant, it shows 50 frames per second. I managed to watch the whole of the snooker world championships in less than a minute.
"
171304,"Why did the pasta get in trouble? Because he was stroganoff!
"
103301,"""""Nobody move!"""" - 19th century photographer
"
200996,"Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch!
"
21683,"Don't get cute with the live version of your song. We like the one on the album.
"
83543,"There was a homeless guy walking down my street.. I was gonna give him a few bucks but his sign said: """"ONE DAY IT MIGHT BE YOU"""". I put the money back in my pocket just in case he's right.
"
214230,"Why did the stressed out zombie go on vacation? He needed some time to himself to decompose.
"
143586,"My son got mad unfollowed me... I disconnected his phone. -I win
"
134325,"What's the difference between scouts and jews? The scouts return from camp.
"
140181,"My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.
"
180530,"Tell us a scary story! Ok kids, gather around *holds flashlight up to face And I'll tell you all that is evil *puts wedding tape in VCR
"
216168,"Interviewer: what's your greatest weakness? Me: I'm always very honest. Interviewer: I don't think that's a weakness. Me: I don't give a fuck what you think.
"
195767,"How come north Carolina is the bluest state? Raleigh scattering
"
78107,"[Toothpaste Laboratory] Dentist 1: Yes Dentist 2: Yes Dentist 3: Yes Dentist 4: Yes Dentist 5: Not so fast...
"
227311,"A fun thing to do is comment """"that ain't the girl you were with at the bar the other night"""" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
"
139332,"Why are there no Irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.
"
95570,"[A Sex Joke] Get Your Jokes On Q. Which Kind Of Girls Wear Transparent Clothes? Answer : """"Those Girls Who Don't Trust The Imagination Power Of A Boy""""
"
175606,"Me: Are these your kids? Boss: """"Yep"""" They're gorgeous! """"Thanks"""" Step kids? """"Nope"""" Adopted? """"No.."""" .. """".."""" She's cheating on you.. """"Get out""""
"
220675,"I'll always remember my dad's last words on his death bed: 'Son, what are you doing with that pillow?'
"
155247,"Why did the zombie cross the road? To get his guts back. My three year old made that one up, I though it was pretty good :)
"
85787,"The Vietnamese hooker who works next to the asbestos factory always says, """"Ooh, me so thelioma.""""
"
83865,"So I had an unplanned talk with my 13 years old son about masturbation yesterday... I told him it was a perfectly natural thing to do and that he should knock before he enters my room.
"
153685,"How do you know you're not logged into reddit? There are /r/atheism posts on the frontpage
"
4803,"Q: What country is ill? A: Germany.
"
78694,"Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak
"
191554,"Spiders are lucky. They can shoot magic ropes out of their butt & zip-line whenever they want to.
"
111902,"Why is the next Windows version 10 and not 9? Because 7 ate(8) 9!
"
131665,"Loving someone and not expressing it is like wrapping a gift and not giving it.
"
20354,"A Physics major finds his girlfriend in bed with another man. He threatens to take matters into his own hands.
"
46273,"ladies, sometimes you only get a personalized ringtone so guys like me don't even have to get up to ignore your call.
"
183099,"What happened when the teacher fell in the copier? She was beside herself.
"
166908,"Ever been to the restaurant owned by the fundamentalist church? No? Well, if you do go there I don't suggest getting the bible sandwich. They really try to shove it down your throat.
"
2942,"You really are the cat's pajamas, and by that I mean you're a stupid idea.
"
214836,"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? -Makes a choking noise-
"
122020,"Why are all Stormtroopers virgins? Because they don't hit anything.
"
169700,"I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.
"
32835,"My friend once told me """"You must be the most pedantic person in the entire world."""" """"Third most, actually.""""
"
58285,"What did one volcano say to the other? """" i lava you """"
"
144090,"What do you say when the Batmobile drives by? Na na na na na na na na BAT MAN What do you say when a stolen Batmobile drives by? Na na na na na na na na BLACK MAN
"
143734,"The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
"
28841,"Arial walked into a bar. The bartender said """"We don't serve your type here.""""
"
66441,"Need help While scratching my ear with key few hours ago, audio on my brand new TV went off. Does anyone know good TV Service. Sh... I think my Laptop sound died too.
"
200033,"HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
"
220058,"What do you call hardcore backpacking? I don't know, but it's fucking in tents!
"
218314,"It's not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you've missed your exit by 37 states.
"
135693,"How many eggs did Kelly Clarkson eat for Easter? All of them. (It's timely if not funny, right?)
"
79593,"Did you hear about the emo pizza? He topped himself.
"
108034,"Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.
"
78441,"9/11 Americans Won't get this joke
"
220187,"I remember hearing about this actor that lost all of his money and was locked up after a huge scandal... I'm pretty sure it was Nicolas Cage.
"
139946,"You can never trust someone from Chernobyl. Most of them are two-faced.
"
63167,"Damn girl are you a pet rock? Because I want you in my butt.
"
5756,"When I was your age, I was outside all day until dark 15: The batteries on cell phones must have been a lot better back then Me: .........
"
92123,"You're a special combination of disappointment, and What The Fcuk!?'
"
58616,"What's better than a paradox? A pair of nurses
"
69571,"The 70s had it right. Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
"
207147,"Two Ducks Two ducks in the airing cupboard, which one is in the army? The one on the tank.......
"
189604,"I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying """"get a load of this guy"""" every time someone walked in
"
46162,"Job security: calling my boss and posing as a problematic customer so he'll realize he still needs me while I'm on vacation.
"
28132,"What makes a joke about ISIS funny? The execution
"
106793,"What would you call the easter egg roll if Bernie Sanders became president? Weekend at Bernie's.
"
94615,"A little boy comes running to his mother.. """"I went into the bathroom and the light came on without me touching anything!"""" """"Oh you idiot, you've pissed in the fucking fridge again.""""
"
15523,"I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer's but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying """"I gave you one yesterday.""""
"
66252,"How many virgins does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. But he will pull it back out and stick it back in again just to make sure he`s got the right hole.
"
192607,"Are you a general? Because you make my privates stand at attention.
"
160550,"My arm is asleep. Let's draw mustaches on it.
"
179419,"Wanna hear a knock knock joke? Two men walk into a bar. (credit to my friend who has no Reddit account)
"
1431,"What is Red and Smells like Blue Paint? Red Paint
"
167396,"Why can't Ray Charles see his friends? Because he is married
"
225703,"I invented a new word today! Plagiarism.
"
46396,"Now I'm not saying I plan to be a school shooter... but if I was Dylan..
"
13656,"What is the stupidest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.
"
3780,"The Captain and Tennille are divorcing. Tennille left him after learning he was only a Petty Officer, Third Class.
"
116026,"I have all the money I'll ever need  if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
"
214225,"How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the mouth.
"
95523,"I like Gravity... It keeps me down to earth
"
140150,"Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
"
52047,"Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who's knees don't bend.
"
28664,"Say what you want about Cannibals but they have a great taste in people.
"
8265,"Does anyone know where Engagement, Ohio is? About halfway between Dayton and Marion
"
12609,"A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone **British soldier**: Did you come here to die? **Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!
"
178227,"So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
"
45077,"[ouija board] me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E me: ....please stop
"
146747,"The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.
"
126638,"Why didn't the insomniac attend his uncle's funeral? he's not a mourning person
"
64361,"A creepy man is dragging a little girl into the woods. \- """"I'm scared, I'm scared!!"""" she's crying. \- """"Stop crying. You think it's easy for me, ha?! The way back I'll have to do by myself.""""
"
109555,"If I were a millionaire, I'd probably sign up Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow for a movie called, 'Salt' & 'Pepper'.
"
109001,"Q: Why are manhole covers round? A: Because if they were square, you couldn't play twiddlywinks with them.
"
108670,"I use the word """"thingy"""" when I cant think of the word: Me- Are you picking up the """"thingy's?"""" Wife- ...you mean your kids? Me- Dont judge me
"
172783,"I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that his teacher is """"an idiot"""" and she's """"out to get him."""" Which is just the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.
"
135534,"Why is it I barely have any signal in my house but the fucking Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan??
"
39603,"Tequila If a guy gets drunk on tequila, and beats you up... then he's guilty of agavated assault.
"
15918,"The 7 days of my week.....Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday and preMonday
"
136394,"My girlfriend is the best hooker in the country All her fellow rugby players agree.
"
130089,"Why are broken vibrators so rare? Because they are hard to come by.
"
217263,"Where do you hide after killing a black person? behind a badge
"
106449,"DATING TIP: Girls like bad boys! Brag about your Twitter gang.
"
2061,"The cops did a high-risk raid on a drug operation located at a barn I guess you could say it was a *high steak operation*
"
149431,"CAPT. AMERICA: Merry Christmas, Hulk! Happy Hanukkah, The Thing! Er... what religion are you, Thor? THOR: Do you understand I'm an actual god
"
122097,"How do feminists screw in a lightbulb? By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them EDIT: Rip inbox EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!
"
95398,"Twitter was down for a couple of hours but I didn't panic at all. I dialed 911 and calmly told them """"people are about to die"""". Then Hung up.
"
193813,"It's raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
"
204054,"Why can't you tell jokes to a Nympho? Because they'll take them too hard.
"
195716,"If you see an Apple store getting robbed.... Does that make you an iWitness?
"
208528,"People often invent statistics to prove a point they are making. 5 out of 3 people who do this actually don't understand numbers.
"
26559,"Enough with the North Korea jokes guys, Seriousry they aren't funny!
"
153310,"Do you know who I saw yesterday? Everyone I looked at
"
1205,"For a very short period of time, you were the youngest person in the world. #mindblowing
"
201837,"*Burglar breaks into my room* *he looks around* *he softly wakes me up* Dude do you need some money or something? I'd be happy to help
"
43418,"Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years' hobo costume to dress up as this year's federal employee.
"
49157,"Did you hear? Chuck Norris moved to Endor He became an Ewok'er Texas ranger.
"
176545,"Didja hear an LGBT singer just came out with a cover of that Santana Grammy-winner from a few years back? It's called """"Brooth""""
"
188304,"Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, """"That's not your left foot"""" a billion times.
"
227917,"Have you seen www.dustbin.com? Yes but it's a load of rubbish.
"
95818,"Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno
"
151425,"The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
"
180669,"If you have a referee in football what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes!
"
219767,"Dead baby joke What the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of sand? I don't eat sand.
"
185553,"Why don't they have a Phone Directory in China? Because there are so many """"Wings"""" and """"Wongs"""" they'd still wing the wong number.
"
48192,"I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks 'This is WAY cheaper than Asylums'
"
138163,"Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
"
108393,"What if Stephen Hawking was the real slim shady... But we didn't know because he couldn't stand up?
"
183058,"Don't give the homeless money. They'll just use it on sharpies and cardboard.
"
167835,"What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture
"
13075,"Q: Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic? A: There's a 12-month waiting list.
"
225527,"What do you call a scruffy lazy ant?  Decadant.
"
165518,"What did the snobby bird say to the poor bird? *Cheep, cheep.*
"
162096,"Yo mama is so fat that when she went bunggie  jumping in a yellow dress everyone was screaming the suns  falling!
"
164550,"If life gives you lemons... Make lemonade If life gives you melons... You might be dyslexic.
"
168707,"He has the grocery Liszt What did the musician say to his wife when he went out to the supermarket? I'm going Chopin, I'll be Bach in a minuet.
"
7605,"Two Gay Men Walk Into A Bar One sits down, the other says """"Can I push your stool in?""""
"
91630,"Take My Advice I Don't Use It Anyways
"
39648,"The reason Patrick is always clueless Is because he lives under a rock.
"
44842,"I popped into the library this morning and asked if there was any books on Facebook status jokes? The librarian said, """"They've all been stolen."""" """"That's the one."""" I replied.
"
197098,"I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80's with a slight handicap.
"
74602,"Imagine the look on his band's faces when Steve Miller hit them with lyrics claiming people called him Space Cowboy & The Gangster of Love.
"
132242,"Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
"
19855,"Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.
"
64990,"What's black and doesn't work? Half of London
"
97708,"Leave Apple alone! All they wanted to do was jack off.
"
9296,"I'm acutely dyslexic and often forget my route home. AMA! Sorry, wrong bus!
"
52428,"Why can't mexicans pass the border in groups of three? Because there's a sign that says No Tres-passing
"
217394,"I opened my closet, looking for my boots. And there they were... Gone! (as told to my by my Bella-Russian-Canadian (and redditor) friend)...
"
80273,"What do you call jerking off two dicks with your elbows? The chicken dance.
"
9772,"My doctor said no more drinking. so I froze my alcohol into cubes and ate them.
"
47781,"What did the Israeli Prime Minister who can't say the word """"and"""" say about candy that caused such a hubbub? Mike Ike's are my least favorite.
"
142965,"Dad said I wasn't allowed to go out wearing this skirt because it's """"too revealing""""... Fuck you, dad, I'm a grown man and I'll do what I want!
"
74184,"Cops don't like it when you ask them """"Need some help?"""" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.
"
189215,"Why are the sheep in Africa coloured pink? The elephants are using them as tampons
"
191519,"I'm in a band called 1023 megabytes... We haven't had a gig yet
"
21398,"Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog? Her: Neither. I'm vegan. Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.
"
68620,"I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live So I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years to life.
"
93529,"any love for Trump reversal jokes? In Obama's America, you serve the president, in Trump's America the president serves you.
"
105799,"I had a dream about a horse in a suit of armor. Pretty sure it was a knightmare.
"
48927,"The dictator forced everyone to work in the butter industry. Some men just want to watch the world churn.
"
200105,"Why did the 3 year old go to jail? For resisting a rest.
"
172753,"Did you hear about the photographer that got locked in his darkroom? He died of exposure. It was not a pretty picture.
"
228758,"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station , and the other's a busty crustacean!
"
228080,"What would BuckWheat from Little Rascals be called if he were a Muslim? Kareem of Wheat.
"
207886,"How do black geese call to white geese? HONKEY! HONKEY!
"
130834,"What do motors and the Soviet Union have in common? Commutators
"
214127,"Why is the letter T like an island? Because its in the middle of water!!!
"
115826,"[David Attenborough narrating my life] Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
"
49441,"What did the terminally-ill dock worker say about his health care? """"It's asbestos could be.""""
"
42605,"I just saw a guy with a mustache exactly like my grandpa's. I doubt it was his though; grandpa never let anyone borrow his mustache.
"
43640,"TIFU by feeding my mogwai after midnight Whoops, wrong sub. By the way, if you see one, just throw it in the microwave for like 45 seconds.
"
201455,"What is the toughest religion to get into? The Difficult.
"
32837,"If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.
"
209191,"Americans, make jokes about US states that your state hates. I'll start. Did you know 29 astronauts are from Ohio? What about Ohio makes people flee the face of the Earth?
"
75904,"How do you top a car? with the break tupid!
"
215836,"What's the difference between peanut butter and jam. You can't peanut butter your dick into someone's ass.
"
21234,"What did the counselor say to the hologram? """"You're projecting."""" (From Star Trek Voyager)
"
204031,"I'm not fat Just short for my weight
"
214681,"How did the sperm cross the road? I put the wrong socks on today. ^(credit to /u/jackster_)
"
189617,"At work today I noted that it's difficult to see yellow marker on white paper... My Asian coworker said, """"Are you trying to say you can't see white and yellow together?""""
"
171939,"- 911, what's your emergency? - My nephew just swallowed a lighter! - What's your address? - Never mind, I found some matches.
"
112632,"[The Second Coming] Jesus:""""People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God's love an-"""" Voice from the crowd:""""DO THE WINE TRICK""""
"
47091,"I turned my phone onto """"Airplane mode"""" and threw it up into the air... Worst transformer ever
"
132208,"Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn't respond that she's been thinking it for a while.
"
107806,"A man walks into a bar, He says ouch.
"
223244,"You and my mother are the only women in my life! Said the redneck.
"
72548,"Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's.
"
199107,"I just found out JFK was jewish. He was shot in the temple.
"
211734,"What is Robb Stark's least favorite band? The Fray
"
203891,"Islamist Humor Planes blowin' up On a Tuesday
"
191985,"""""Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other"""" """"Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?""""
"
88915,"A guy goes to the doctor to get his prostate exam during the exam the guy turns and says to the doctor """"will you stick another finger up my ass? I need a second opinion""""
"
120309,"Why is a beer like a woman? After you drink one you can't shut up or drive.
"
32333,"I hear a woman with no legs just won the world strawberry picking competition. Jammy cunt
"
131560,"a tv show where a group of friends just text each other but never hang out
"
122367,"Yo momma so fat... She is geographically bipolar.
"
111647,"What do you call a black person that flies a plane? ...A pilot you racist piece of shit.
"
135349,"I'm 82 and I have the body of a 25-year-old supermodel. But it takes up too much room in my freezer... any suggestions?
"
34771,"They say you are what you eat So I bought myself some """"ready to eat Apricots"""" And after I bought them I was indeed, ready to eat Apricots.
"
37810,"Did you hear One Direction is breaking up? They're heading separate ways.
"
185889,"Is your refrigerator running? cause I'd rather vote for it instead of these two
"
157187,"A lot of people tell me that I'm funny... So I guess it's a good thing that looks aren't everything
"
50848,"What did the french say to the Nazis when they invaded ? Table for 50,000?
"
175514,"I wish robot servants were affordable already.
"
231289,"Pieces of cooked meat have been found on mount Everest recently... The steaks have never been higher.
"
93849,"I took ten photos of myself in the shower, but hated them all. Turns out I have selfie-steam issues
"
53723,"Nobody questions me when I watch a NSFW video at work because I'm a porn movie editor
"
132001,"Note down the number please. A person was riding on a horse, He Jumped the red light, a cop whistles' person lifts the tail of horse and says, """"Note down the number please.""""
"
51337,"Buzzfeed: 9 Ways to Know You're Dating a Real Woman and Not a Burrito
"
40449,"[ER: Goth Unit] Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
"
128148,"Two fish are sitting in a tank And one turns to the other, bewildered, and says """"Do you have any idea how to drive this thing?""""
"
88309,"I heard someone got shocked by their Ford... that must stang.
"
115612,"What did R. Kelly say to the teenage girl fan? Urine for a surprise.
"
212161,"Why does Donald Trump hate Casper the ghost? Because he can go through walls.
"
77381,"""""Sorry, but I can't sell you cigarettes. It hasn't been 18 revolutions around the sun since you descended from your mother's vagina.""""
"
158662,"I'd probably be broke by now if there was a website where you could pay to flirt with lobsters
"
604,"you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes """"sexual"""" the rest of the boys all agree that he is
"
21435,"You should know, that no one understood it was an April fool's joke because no one expected you have a sense of humor.
"
216996,"Do math majors get degrees or radians?
"
230453,"I'm not racist! I have like 3 friends! And five of them are black.
"
126,"Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
"
205646,"I'm not sure what this guy shaking a cup of change at people wants. He must just be bragging that he has change.
"
42006,"Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it's all around you
"
165348,"What's the difference between a bindle of cocaine and a baby?? Eric Clapton wouldn't let one fall out the window
"
97077,"What do you call gigabytes in Africa? They can't afford computers in Africa.
"
79349,"The stock market plunge of 2008 was worse than a divorce... I lost half of everything, but I still have my wife!
"
90695,"Why did Napoleon return from exile? He needed more Elba room.
"
89191,"*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn* Mom, I'm 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
"
96454,"Why didn't the Mexican go """"bow hunting"""" with the Native American? He didn't Habanero.
"
35566,"What do you call a paper car? A paper-machacedes
"
115613,"Why don't North Koreans go to heaven? because they have no Seoul
"
30557,"I'd be more inclined to get in a stranger's van if he was offering free wifi instead of candy.
"
95400,"Why is Kfc always out of toilet paper? Because it is Finger Lickin' Good.
"
38185,"If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
"
179243,"Q: What did the German watch repairer say to his watch that would only go tick, tick, tick? A: """"Ve have vays of making you tock!""""
"
5116,"*Throws up some gang signs* *stabs self in eye with salad fork* Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
"
86858,"Why is Latvian cross road? Latvian see potato, but when cross is only secret police.
"
126105,"At my school, the cafeteria has """"World Cuisine"""" day once a week, in which one foreign nation's traditional cuisine is on the menu. Last week, the country was Ethiopia... ...they served us nothing.
"
15966,"How does Hitler tie his shoes? One Jew at a time!
"
186530,"I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
"
78860,"What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Nice belt.
"
18086,"Why does Sia live in a low-rent apartment? She loves cheap bills
"
175460,"Where do Easter bunnies dance? At the basketball.
"
51403,"Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn't have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
"
21019,"If you're American when you go into the bathroom... ...and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom? European
"
10518,"What is the difference between Rihanna and a coconut? One is black and hairy and the other is a coconut
"
19365,"A woman gets breast implants made of wood.. Too bad this joke doesn't have a punchline, it would probably be funny. Wooden tit?
"
138063,"I'm not afraid of death, so much as I am of dying! I wanna die how my father died, peacefully in his sleep, not like his screaming terrified passengers! *Gotham, Mondays on Fox*
"
155664,"What was the suicide bomber greeted by in the afterlife? A group of 40 other suicide bombers.
"
177256,"My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn't enough time.
"
168546,"Lorena Bobbit has died in a tragic car accident. Some dick cut her off.
"
172738,"How come the Government knows when I don't file my taxes, and when I leave the country, and when I take a shit - but still needs a census?
"
157909,"What do you call a gigantic polar bear? Nothing you just run away!
"
134141,"The government should pay for everyone to get massages on November 9th.
"
35896,"A girl called me the other day and said, """"Come on over, nobody's home""""... I went over. Nobody was home
"
107259,"[commercial for mops] *scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor* """"There has to be a better way"""" Narrator:MOPS
"
69789,"I hate jokes about German sausage.. They're the wurst
"
210227,"Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
"
105019,"Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to """"your place"""", take him to Target.
"
55442,"I couldnt go back to work, especially after what my shitty boss said to me. Damn, what did he say? You are fired
"
191746,"What does a baby look like after a minute in the microwave? I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
"
21593,"It's good to keep healthy. My gran started walking 10 miles a day when she was 50... ...she's 80 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
"
138425,"Are you fond of alternative sources for cooling technologies? I'm a huge fan.
"
54107,"What are Mario and Luigi's overalls made of? Denim, denim, denim.
"
53603,"If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims
"
110665,"Anonymity on the internet allows us to be whatever we want to be, but I'm glad most of us went with """"perverted idiot"""".
"
59369,"Why do scientists love watching dog shows? They appreciate good lab skills
"
3931,"If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what is outside? K9P.
"
74399,"Help! I accidentally swallowed a mint! Never mind, I'm cool now.
"
125136,"My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble  is he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves  himself.
"
219117,"Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.
"
50815,"What do you call a mini-golf club made of wasp testicles that's covered in Reese's Pieces? A peanut butter bee-nut putter.
"
89463,"What do you call a cup with a Confederate flag on it? A Hiccup! Get it? Hick-cup?
"
133905,"Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new  brain transplant? A: She sneezes.
"
26085,"My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
"
120905,"I got arrested for punching this guy at a new year's Eve party When you hear an Arab count down from 10 your instincts kick in.
"
91245,"I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, """"My money's on the one with the knife."""" You should have seen how  fast they both ran off.
"
94385,"You are my fan because u blow me away.
"
202607,"The difference between an European that feels fat and an American that feels the same? The European goes to the gym, the American goes to Jim's.
"
169855,"Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he's a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
"
38651,"Oe Oe Oe so there's these 2 monkeys bathing one monkey says: oe oe ooooe second monkey says: did you forgot to put some cold water in?
"
47286,"""""So you are suffering from flatulences, grandpa?"""" """"Suffering? No, that's my last remaining pleasure!""""
"
3469,"Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: Besides that.
"
12878,"Did you hear the one about the pizza? Ugh, nevermind. It's too cheesy.
"
21419,"Kraft Foods, Inc. has moved their headquarters to Tel Aviv They're changing their name to Cheeses of Nazareth.
"
53008,"Watching commercials about retirement homes makes my boner reach for the stars.
"
45776,"Plateaus... ...are the highest form of flattery.
"
106843,"My teacher called me into her office today. She totally wants my D To go up to a C.
"
114799,"What is Mozart doing right now? De-composing
"
189594,"What's used to calculate binomial coefficients and eaten on Passover? A Paschal Triangle!
"
49351,"Wiki Hi this is a wiki I work on. I need help to expand it. It is a satirical humour based wiki. Someone any one please help me.
"
88191,"Which chemical compound are you most likely to find at a frat party? Hydrogen *Bro*mide.
"
63921,"If I had a dollar for every gender I could possibly be... I'd have $2.00.
"
58898,"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ? Disney Movies still touch kids
"
162478,"if I was a Trucker, I'd wanna' be 1978 macho karate knowin', funny CB-radio trucker, Not the 2010 meth-addled, restroom-gay-sex,herpes-type.
"
111275,"I bought some """"no more tears"""" shampoo but her hair still tore right out!
"
35685,"Its ironic that the gay club was called """"pulse""""... As 50 people didn't have one after the shooting
"
35399,"Girlfriend left a note on the fridge """"this isn't working, you take everything too literally"""". She'll be so happy when she sees the new one.
"
33652,"A Teacher in Wales got arrested They found a pencil, a ruler and a geometry set square. Allegedly he was part of the Al-gebra network and purchased """"weapons of math instruction""""
"
93520,"Broccoli is like anal sex. If you didn't like it forced on you as a child you probably won't like it as an adult.
"
146174,"Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy's house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
"
23105,"There's a doctor who goes around my neighbourhood handing out body parts... ...he gives me the willies.
"
198418,"are vegans allowed to play Duck Hunt
"
80407,"No matter how kind you think you are... German kids are always kinder
"
181902,"Two muffins are baking in the oven One muffin looks at the other and says, """"It's getting pretty hot in here"""". The other muffin replies, """"HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN""""!
"
85279,"What do you call an elf who lost all his toys? Legolas
"
29078,"Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats. Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep? """"Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.""""
"
93421,"Why did President Obama get two terms? Because every black man gets a longer sentence.
"
208812,"What do ducks smoke? Quack!
"
155701,"Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?  A: He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression in her forehead.
"
12409,"What if earth rotates 30 times faster? Interviewer:""""If the Earth rotates 30 times faster, what will happen?"""" engineer:""""We will get our salary everyday"""" :D Think Greedily Act Confidently
"
193139,"Batman's parents....... or not. Guy: Hey, I just saw them. Batman: Who? Guy: Not your parents. Batman: Y U DO THIS??? Guy: Because they told me to. Batman: Who told you to? Guy: Not your parents.
"
142309,"My son just announced """"I like snacks."""" I'm off to draft a press release.
"
55299,"What are filipinos horror stories? Crispy Pata
"
207668,"Spell check changed """"important"""" to """"impotent"""" so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can't get it up.
"
98401,"What does it mean when a girl likes a 12 inch dick? She has a foot fetish. :D
"
85839,"A port-a-potty truck blocked my car in at work so I couldn't leave.. But hey, shit happens.
"
103577,"Saw some Mennonites playing Baseball yesterday All I saw was a swing and Amish
"
190893,"What did the penguin say to the polar bear? Nothing, penguins live in the south pole and polar bears live in the north pole. TROLOLOLOL
"
74091,"When do computers go to sleep? When it's internight.
"
21775,"Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like 'ambition' and 'productivity'.
"
66038,"Did you know that the 16th presidency had the best records kept? I think they were called the Lincoln Logs.
"
182816,"Vagina jokes are not funny Period.
"
163134,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid the approaching feminist.
"
169572,"What sounds like a joke, but isn't funny? an anti-joke.
"
60427,"(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike) KID:Dad, I'm scared ME:It's okay. The closest tree is a mile away TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
"
150336,"What do you call a group of polar bears that support Donald Trump? A basket of depolarbears
"
119811,"Whenever people say they're willing to do """"whatever it takes"""" to """"make it in Hollywood"""" they never mean """"patiently work on their craft"""".
"
180619,"KAREN ADDISON: CHEAP DATE He took me to McDonald's, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.
"
187913,"What is it? It has wings, but it doesn't fly, it has a beak, but it doesn't peck, it has legs, but it doesn't walk. What is it? A dead crow
"
171562,"I refuse to work with compost It's degrading
"
12717,"How can you spot a Jewish Pedofile? He's the guy in the creepy van rolling up to kids and asking """"Hey kids, you want to buy some candy?""""
"
107271,"Wow. Those Spaniards are some die hard Ozzy fans.. ..cause they really went off the rails on a crazy train.
"
131690,"""""Asphyxiate' would be worth like a million points..."""" I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
"
183908,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Benin ! Benin who ? Benin hell!
"
204194,"""""Expecto me to be there"""" Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
"
205298,"What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug addict? The prostitute can wash her crack and then use it again!
"
146178,"""""Creepy DM: I want to shave your legs. Me: Ew"""" On reflection this would have been a real time saver. If you're reading this, call me?
"
94507,"What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park there, man!
"
126241,"I was in a second hand shop. """"I was wondering if you had any condoms?"""" I asked the owner. """"Don't be ridiculous,"""" he remarked, """"Of course not."""" I said, """"You're a brave guy, I like your style.""""
"
206194,"schrodinger's joke. It's funny and not funny at the same time, until you tell it to someone.
"
54777,"My girlfriend is always hooking, ending up elbow deep in a bush because she swings both ways She's a terrible golfer
"
103223,"The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.
"
110738,"My grandfather never forgave the Japanese for Pearl Harbor... ...until I explained to him that it was the Americans who made that movie.
"
160459,"Earth: """"You're causing tidal waves!"""" Moon: """"So?"""" Earth: """"I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation!"""" Moon: """"Very funny.""""
"
80965,"Scroll no further, as it only get worse from here...
"
141816,"""""It's pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh."""" """"Ok, got it doo-shah.""""
"
19108,"Mother: What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write? Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!
"
170162,"The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
"
130155,"Two men walk into a bar. The third one should've seen it coming.
"
206002,"What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor? """"Make me one with everything.""""
"
2587,"Detective: how were u able to do it? Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
"
64979,"F Scott Fitzgerald ...and F the Great Gatsby as well.
"
34866,"What do you call an invalidation of someone's argument because they cannot differentiate between their and they're? ad homonym
"
7522,"If you follow the rules of grammar, people will always help you. If you don't, your on you're own.
"
188196,"Why do all black people go to heaven? The Son is attracted to black
"
83137,"I wish """"friends with benefits"""" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
"
193718,"Why did the light turn red? You would too if you were caught changing in the middle of the street!
"
189981,"[1st date] Me: don't let him know you're a lobster Him: we should check out my hot-tub later Me: 'yeah...sure' *nervously clicks claws*
"
212396,"What do you call a group of sorority girls/fraternity guys standing in a circle? A round of applause ...because they all have the clap.
"
53667,"I speak fluent hint. - No man anywhere, ever, never ever
"
106761,"I don't downvote. It's bad karma.
"
231599,"Paula Deen should create her own brand of butter called I Can't Believe It's Not 1860.
"
110653,"Who is a cow and horses favorite artist ? Moo Nay !
"
198259,"Nearly Christmas... PEOPLE say that every dog has its day. How right they are. We got a dog for Christmas, got bored with it and had it put down on Boxing Day.
"
223694,"Interrupting Cow Red: Knock Knock Dit: Who's There? Red: Interrupting Cow Dit: Interrupti- Red: MOOOOOOOOOOO
"
156392,"I hate it when I'm trying to make money and someone greases the stripper pole.
"
24541,"How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? apparently not 3, because my basement is still dark.
"
229564,"Anyone who gives me flowers makes my whole day. Anyone who gives me anal makes my whole week.
"
170876,"Why is it never a good idea to use a Chinese phone book? There are so many Wings and Wongs, you might wing a wong number.
"
195400,"What's the best part of an asynchronous dog? It's non barking! Hopefully some software people get this one
"
129527,"I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria's Secret catalog... But all they sent me was her underwear.
"
190268,"I had a few jokes about unemployed people... But none of them work
"
21527,"I'm really worried of discrimination based on skin color during the Trump regime The thing is, unfortunately, I'm not orange...
"
113939,"I'm going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they'll let me take.
"
87309,"""""O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!"""" ~ Japanese flag designer
"
36014,"If I were to invade Djibouti... Do you think Greece would help? [read out loud]
"
203455,"My dad once told me this one If you walk into the bathroom an American and come out of the bathroom an American, what are you when you're in the bathroom? European :^)
"
589,"My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero... At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.
"
21761,"What's Superman's greatest weakness? Horses
"
183934,"Deer nuts are cheap they're under a buck.
"
39512,"What's brown and runny Usain Bolt
"
114263,"I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I'm ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
"
37400,"First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you're out of the cuddle club
"
182862,"Being a grown up is throwing something at the trash can, missing, then actually going over and picking it back up.
"
92093,"Why can't woman drive? Because there are no roads from the bedroom to the kitchen!!
"
51080,"What has 7 arms and sucks? Def leppard
"
75883,"If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.
"
32007,"getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community
"
202897,"What do you call a skinny person with a lisp Methed up
"
78157,"With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
"
25690,"Do vegetarian cops... ....go on stakeouts?
"
170622,"My Dad couldn't pull out of my Mom... ...but at least he could pull out of my life.
"
126657,"What did the mathematician use to kill himself? An hypotenuse.
"
129220,"Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren't even in.
"
176338,"What's a room full of saurkraut? Over-krauted.
"
35650,"Joke from a 5 year old kid: how come dinosaurs don't talk? me: ...why? kid: because they are all dead. source: stolen from Brian Reagan's standup.
"
230728,"I just punched what I thought was a paparazzi with a long lens. It was an old man with a wheat bread sub. Sorry.
"
162017,"How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
"
167025,"Did you hear the joke about the fast car? I would tell you but I think you're too slow to get it.
"
55068,"What's the difference between your mom and a bowling ball? You can eat a bowling ball.
"
200446,"Mom goes to the store.... Mom: Going to the store son what do you need? Me: Bleach. Mom: Why? Me : I heard on the internet that bleach cures sadness when you drink it
"
124,"My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet
"
131871,"Welcome to The News. Tonight's top story: you know that thing you love? It's terrible and you're terrible. Thanks,
"
43100,"And He said unto Mike, """"Come forth and have eternal life."""" But Mike came fifth, and won a blender.
"
14547,"Nice that after 17 years of marriage I can still have a sex dream about my wife. Last night the role of my wife was played by Jessica Alba.
"
198128,"I went to a reverse psychologist He told me to kill myself
"
139499,"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why.
"
137001,"#1: Checking your phone after someone else pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.
"
213584,"It's great that every Playmate """"just wants a guy that makes them laugh"""", because I want a chick with fake boobs that can't form a sentence.
"
107705,"Reddit is really a green community. considering all the recycled content on here.
"
134816,"I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
"
24253,"I added Paul Walker on Xbox Live He spends a lot of time on the dashboard.
"
194797,"What did the baby call the strip club? An all you can eat buffet
"
189433,"Some of the weirdest looking Jehovah's Witnesses kept knocking on my door last night.
"
69465,"Q: What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty? A: Are you my mother?
"
15524,"The person who took my sneakers while I was on the jumpy castle at McDonald's Please grow up.
"
101709,"I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
"
38460,"Why does the Mexican guy take xanax? For hispanic attacks Edit: Happy Cinco de Mayo
"
202573,"There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.
"
23370,"How did Moses make his coffee? Hebrewed it.
"
24086,"Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
"
167759,"I never knew who my father was Until my mom revealed that she had a sex change
"
82453,"What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection?? Quarter pounder with cheese
"
175827,"""""How dare you judge her size..."""" """"The woman has had three children!"""" """"For lunch?""""
"
66957,"New job. A nigerian man got a job at US, on his first day he shows up late for work. His boss yells, """"You should have been here at 8.30!"""" The man replies, """"Why? What happened at 8.30?""""
"
171731,"I had two gorgeous cats... One was called Idonknow and the other Idonremember. Unfortunately, idonremember jumped from the Golden Gate bridge and died. Which dog remained alive?
"
60564,"i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
"
106758,"Being a bigger account doesn't make you a better person. We're all terrible people. We're on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
"
81475,"My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn't know why she was mad at me.
"
199942,"A Florida boy was born with no eyelids... The doctors decided to make him some eyelids using his foreskin. He's a little cock-eyed now, but he'll be fine.
"
169334,"What did they call Hitler's limo driver? the Chau-fuhrer
"
125065,"Waiting to see who you're sitting next to on an airplane is the original Chatroulette. Now where the hell is the next button?
"
112354,"I asked the barista for a Nyquilatte. He was really hairy, like a werewolf. A """"wereista"""" if you will. I may have already had some Nyquil.
"
156447,"What do you hear when a sheep blows up? Sis boom baa ~Carnac
"
78352,"(Selling my soul) Just sign here and here """"I should have a lawyer read this"""" *a million lawyers crawl through hell* We have plenty of those
"
91766,"""""Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking"""" [pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]
"
15675,"Its not gay if its a three way The two other guys promised.
"
3245,"No one spoil the ending, I haven't finished the iTunes user agreement yet!!
"
194298,"Brain walks into a bar. or maybe was his name Brian? No, it was like bill or brad or something. Anyways that dude had the best weed.
"
46152,"TIL After years of research, scientists have positively concluded that the most effective way to make your penis bigger is using a magnifying glass
"
25501,"When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag, So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops
"
110535,"What be a Pirates favorite letter? Ye all must be willin' to guess Arrrr. But ye be wrong! It be the Sea! Yearha har har har
"
176583,"-Do you take drugs? -No. -Ever tried them? -Never. -You seem very nervous. -I'm just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.
"
120718,"After watching today's Apple event, I can confirm the new iPhone will not be a failure. In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.
"
137731,"If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore.
"
57813,"Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.
"
193099,"What's the best thing to do with a thimble? Bang it with a drum-thtick!
"
26417,"Me: I said no cookies! 4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia! Me: How'd you get amnesia? 4yo:.. Me:.. 4yo: I don't remember. Me: Well played..
"
230125,"What do you call a woman standing in the middle of at tennis court? Annette!
"
173562,"How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish? Mark Sanchez.
"
182988,"#MyHomelessSignWouldSay Obama aint the only one who wants change
"
127190,"While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs. They grow up so fast.
"
21513,"Somebody gets stabbed in London every 57 seconds. Poor bastard.
"
34438,"""""If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."""" -Taylor Swift's moment of revenge
"
231316,"What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
"
228681,"I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders.
"
183800,"Have you heard of the beer Jesus made? Its called Hebrew.
"
10414,"Two Mexicans fall of a cliff at the exact same time. Who wins? Society.
"
207044,"What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time ? Cross mouse cards !
"
216153,"Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Driver: Go, Pikachu! Thunderbolt! Cop: Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?
"
99406,"Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
"
76026,"Some women have names that simply demand respect. The few. The proud. The Maureens.
"
81670,"what idiot called it a moon enthusiast and not a lunatic
"
140103,"*gets down on 1 knee* OMG *puts 2nd knee down* WHAT? *lays on floor* JIM? *snake noises* WHAT ARE YOU DOING? *slithers out of relationship*
"
81415,"I am a master of tearable puns But only on paper
"
94933,"So I want to start a business of manufacturing ATM machines... .... I hope it pays off
"
53912,"What part of the computer the astronaut likes the most? A space bar.
"
219706,"How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? You'd think it was some really obscure number, but it's just one, ironically.
"
32565,"How deep is a swimming pool? It deep-ends.
"
2135,"My favorite jokes are the short ones that make me laugh. Here's a short one that I hope makes you laugh. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? - You look for FRESH PRINTS!!
"
110596,"Created a Kickstarter for my movie. Hoping to raise enough for a popcorn and soda too.
"
71728,"So if google glass got a virus.. Would it be called malware or malwear?
"
193550,"Why do Cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
"
26902,"I like my beer, like I like my violence Domestic
"
205939,"Don't argui with r/jokes... There's too many ri-postes.
"
74222,"I just saw a man pick up a screaming child and take her to his van. Man, kids are getting carried away these days.
"
160620,"The best part of Pitbull is he yells out """"MR WORLDWIDE!,"""" at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station
"
25130,"WANTED: Sanity LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn't get a new toy REWARD: 4 year old
"
144881,"Female Masturbation My woman told me that she would never play with her self when she was on her period. . But I caught her red handed !!
"
167301,"My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
"
189772,"I set my phone to airplane mode I lost it two weeks ago and everyone has a different opinion on what happened to it
"
205524,"A man orders a large cup of coke with ice Upon receiving his drink he began to wonder why his hands were so cold. Then he realized that just ice was served.
"
52348,"""""Dad, why are there no jews on jupiter?"""" """"Because its a gas planet son""""
"
6520,"""""I like my women how I like my sunglasses... Sitting on my face...""""
"
161822,"In honor of the Million Muslim March... What do you get when you add a million lesbians to the Million Man March? Two million people that don't do dick.
"
146995,"Mommy mommy why do I keep running around in circles? """"Shut up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."""" In the 80s, my mother thought this was hilarious.
"
11689,"9 Year Old: Where do babies come from? Me: (pause) Europe.
"
115331,"After all they crap between them..Can you believe they are still together? """"Who?"""" My butt cheeks.
"
193770,"How many online courses are offered by the senior learning center? None. They're old school.
"
162950,"Why don't you hear Django's penis talk during the movie? The D is silent.
"
164965,"FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you? RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
"
229060,"(6-year old brother gave me this one) Why do farts smell? So that deaf people can enjoy them too!
"
97891,"Why is the Doctor an excellent chef? He's a Thyme Lord
"
227759,"What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
"
40232,"Your mama so hairy... ...the only soap she buys is shampoo.
"
188033,"Your mom is like a bowling ball she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, and she always comes back for more.
"
109905,"..which is why I start my sentences in the middle.
"
214273,"""""A ghost took a dump all over the house!!!"""" - Paranormal Activia
"
225313,"People who live in Flint should drink gasoline. It's cheaper than the water and guaranteed unleaded
"
56306,"(Work in progress) I want to have sex with a news reporter. I want to have sex with a news reporter. As soon as enter her, I want to scream """"This Just In!""""
"
227050,"At a playground, a woman asked a man """"Which kid is yours?"""" The man replied """"Haven't decided yet.""""
"
128065,"What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A centipede
"
84968,"My secret to sleeping is I put my bed outside When I go to bed I'm always out cold
"
40043,"Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received. Beep.
"
63934,"Why does Santa come only once a year? (Its not the chimney one) Because it's all his sack can handle
"
174222,"Someone called my shirt gay today... True. It just came out of the closet today.
"
45846,"If Trump wins the election, Mexicans be like.. [removed]
"
83236,"A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
"
187456,"The homework is due on Monday. """"Can I get an extension?"""" The homework is due on Monday.png
"
4534,"What should we call people who leave crusty bits of food in the corner of their mouths? #Herpeaters.
"
210010,"""""Stop putting words into my mouth!"""" """"Fine, eat your alphabet soup by yourself.""""
"
93701,"Sure fire way to really annoy a woman  tell her she is being too dramatic and overreacting.
"
69659,"One thing is for sure about people who want to do Bono. They want to screw U2. I'll show myself out...
"
226858,"Be Positive ++ My girlfriend always says that be positive!! You know what she is going to have HIV tested this week ;)
"
39607,"Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont pay attention but call her fat once and she will never forget. Thats because elephants never forget.
"
82293,"What's a young birds favourite game? #BEAK A BOO!
"
56650,"At a Smucker's family reunion... ...there is at least one mother Smucker
"
112210,"Knock knock Knock, knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? Adore is between us. Open up!
"
169555,"My Jewish employee wasn't very good at his job so Isaac'd him.
"
76845,"A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand """"What will it be for you, my friend?"""" - the vendor asks. """"Make me one with everything""""
"
134873,"I hate being Bipolar... It's awesome.
"
121467,"If I could have dinner with anybody, living or dead, I'd have pizza.
"
51372,"Did you know there are only 24 letters in the NHS alphabet? There's no A&amp;E.
"
70858,"I got my first A+ on a test today... It was a blood test...
"
196851,"I just got back from Paris It was a blast.
"
216606,"What's a redneck family reunion called? (NSFW) pump-kin
"
49705,"Her: Undress me with your words... Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
"
4786,"Where did the Martian put his teacup? On his flying saucer.
"
101274,"Every time I pinch a loaf; I think,""""I don't knead this shit.""""
"
162109,"What's common between a bungee jumper and a hooker? If the rubber snaps, you're screwed
"
168816,"I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.
"
21604,"Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant? Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.
"
40388,"Whats the most politically divided animal? The polar bear.. I'll see myself out...
"
228989,"Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 10% off
"
189175,"Height of complement - Lol Wife: """"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"""" Husband: """"You have perfect eyesight.""""
"
202134,"*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*  Fly  Breathe fire  Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
"
117498,"I know Aladdin can't wish for more wishes, but why can't he just wish for more genies?--My 5 year old and future lawyer, probably.
"
204261,"Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn't even know this rage inside me existed.
"
93796,"I've never once used the """"C word"""" in a tweet but I will now!!!! Cookie. There, happy now? You c**ts.
"
127556,"An alcoholic walks into a bar every day... His entire life is a joke.
"
189985,"I think always mixing up vocabulary words in school hurt my career options. Because I always wanted to be an archipelago just like """"Indiana Jones""""!
"
189015,"My love for you is like an hourglass I always finish on the bottom.
"
205570,"Writing a Play I'm gonna write a musical made up of only puns and call it """"A Play On Words""""
"
31341,"What do you call a lesbian ice cream sandwich? A Klondyke bar.
"
15447,"Told by the driver of the bus we were on Driver: so you hear president obama is in the hospital right? Us: no we didnt Driver: he cant stop putin
"
134314,"One night a woman undressed in front of her husband... """"what turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"""" Asked the wife The husband looked her up an down an said, """"your sense of humor.""""
"
169314,"MAYOR'S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it's really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
"
27465,"Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
"
139490,"Patient And Doctor Joke Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
"
215718,"Why is Santa so Jolly? Cause he knows where all the bad girls live.
"
49202,"I can swallow two pieces of string and make them come out an hour later tied together I SHIT YOU KNOT
"
182936,"Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
"
2490,"Kids and adults loved it so, the happy world of Harambe. #neverforget
"
140102,"I just whispered """"Come at me, bro"""" to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I'm in my car driving away from my old life.
"
69134,"*emailing professor after exams* it hAs been An Awesome And greAt yeAr thAnks for the AmAzing clAss you hAve tAught me A lot
"
222839,"If I'm on a sneezing fit it's best to let me go, because by the 4th time you say """"God bless you,"""" I'm ready for you to be out of my life.
"
139482,"Never gonna invite Jesus for another bondage party Last time around, he forgot his safe word and we had to bury his sorry ass.
"
34011,"How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem? He worked it out with a pencil.
"
514,"To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts.  Sorry.
"
56962,"Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?
"
187766,"I once met an ape who could use both hands... He was Harambedextrous.
"
61658,"Everyone thinks its cute when a kid wants to be a pirate But when a Somalian kid says he wants to be a pirate it's a different story
"
73928,"A blind man finally got his vision back He was so happy he became paralysed
"
131566,"Making a frisbee out of bread. Let's see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!
"
76018,"In A Error At 99% Completed Understanding A Girl: . . . This Is Like Downloading A 4GB File. At The Speed Of 2kbps. Which Ends Up.. In A Error At 99% Completed!
"
168006,"Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known as The Islands.
"
97246,"What do Mexicans cut their pizzas with? Little Caesars
"
129898,"if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
"
14915,"Watched a documentary about retina surgery the other day.. It was eye-opening.
"
54129,"My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it's rude to point???
"
153422,"I feel sorry for people who sell magazines. Seems like they got a lot of issues.
"
188741,"7yo: I'M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I'M GOING TO BED EARLY Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT
"
116249,"""""Mommy, why is my backpack so heavy?"""" Allahu Akbar, honey.
"
96570,"What do you call a female accountant? An accountant you sexist fucker.
"
126855,"Did you hear about the man who cut his own head off after the Academy Awards? He was Leonardo DiCapitated.
"
194502,"""""With great power, comes great responsibility"""" - - Melania Trump
"
190843,"Gravity is just a myth. We all know it's the white man keeping us down.
"
178123,"If you can't beat them, try again when they're sleeping.
"
111286,"Interviewer: Any questions? Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
"
199957,"Why did the crow go to the gym? To work on his caw strength.
"
17565,"To be honest She: You cannot find another girl like me Me: I'm not looking for another one like you
"
131755,"good prank: sneak into someone's house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
"
101617,"People from the UK have been exercising more. They've lost a few pounds.
"
189007,"Donald Trump just announced Mike Pence to be his Running Mate. If Hillary wants to one up Trump in that regard, her running mate should be Mike Tuppence.
"
74023,"What part of a vegetable can't you eat? The wheelchair.
"
14130,"Why do we hit things when they don't work? Because it worked with slavery
"
157828,"If you ask a lot of questions and then rob the cab driver, every cab becomes a cash cab.
"
132922,"Why do neurologists think they're God? Because they can turn any animal into a vegetable!
"
114369,"Everyone is telling others how to vote via Face Book. and all I can think is how I just watched Bob Ross paint this whole thing and explain every step but I still don't get how he did it.
"
131424,"""""I'm going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.""""- Damned dog.... Could've been me though.
"
210986,"""""The hell with friendship, our top priority has always been between our legs.""""
"
2615,"My running tights are giving me a mean camel toe. I'm going to wear my """"Mind the Gap"""" t-shirt to the gym
"
166415,"What do you call it when a girl throws a tantrum during her period? An ovary-action.
"
223357,"Three words to ruin a man's ego. """"Is it in?""""
"
146068,"How do you steal a coat? You jacket.
"
96666,"My friends say I'm condescending... That means I talk down to people.
"
186301,"Casey Anthony is still unemployed...? She should have a pretty good resume though. She had a job as a mother once and killed it!
"
88853,"""""She must be shy"""" is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.
"
218438,"Why did the baker have smelly hands? Because he needed a poo.
"
173652,"Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
"
15038,"Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven't experienced any yet, but statistically they're bound to happen at some point.
"
169602,"There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I'm supposed to stop reading the internet.
"
203479,"When it comes to sex I'm a bit of a romantic... I only masturbate to the thought of fucking girls in the missionary position.
"
68285,"I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
"
94649,"I couldn't get tickets for the Plan B concert. So I had to go with my first choice instead.
"
9918,"Why does Daredevil worry about getting fat? He never watches what he eats.
"
13073,"What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal? Computer
"
200799,"Did you know there is a dating website for amphetamine addicts? Speeddating.com
"
123588,"My mom's late for everything, and it irritates the hell out of me. For example, last week she drove me to an abortion clinic.
"
36060,"i'm sorry but hating something that lots of people love doesn't automatically make u an interesting person
"
143718,"I used to be a banker But I lost *interest*
"
221386,"I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long. That's OK. I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it.
"
50414,"How do you make a cat bark? Wrap it around a tree
"
218254,"Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you're fooling?
"
183405,"I`m not working for Blackberry... But I`ve got a RIM job.
"
107603,"I'm not the kind of girl to get mad and throw a drink in your face....that's wasteful. I'd drink it first and then glass you.
"
119902,"which is the best key on keyboard?
"
173437,"Lost Wallet I thought my dad would be angry when I told him I had lost my wallet, but he told me not to worry, that it was in my genes.
"
19758,"Did you hear the one about the German sausage? It was the wurst!
"
76091,"I wanted to take up yoga. I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said """"what's your flexibility like?"""" I said """"I can't do Tuesdays"""".
"
22778,"What did JFK say about his multiple affairs? """"I did them not because they were easy, but because I was hard.""""
"
182742,"How do you make a man from New Zealand fall asleep? Ask him to count how many sexual partners he has had (Because they're sheep fuckers).
"
75075,"2 peanuts are walking in the park. One is assaulted.
"
47865,"I've got a plan to get rid of the dollar Honestly, it makes a lot of cents
"
59672,"""""Bloodied cricket bat found in Oscar Pistorius' house"""" In addition, locals have told police that he was previously sighted with stumps.
"
183043,"Spent the entire day trying not to look at porn... It was so hard.
"
79151,"How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fish.
"
88817,"You know you're getting old when people say you look young..:)
"
72723,"I can't wait until I'm 69. It's going to be hilarious.
"
7046,"Every time I see the headline 'tragedy on film set' I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
"
23753,"Masturbation is like procasination In the end you're just fucking yourself
"
130489,"What did Bob Marley say to his wife after he opened the fridge? """"No, Woman, no pie.""""
"
79294,"NBC is contemplating a new TV series titled """"Airline Tragedies."""" They are putting the pilot together right now.
"
52216,"Husband says to his wife """"you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back!"""" She says """"what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.""""
"
93562,"So apparently you're supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
"
189416,"If people don't wish to discuss the cruel existential futility of all human endeavour they shouldn't say.. ...Good Morning in the first place.
"
174652,"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he and his friends decided to dress up as famous composers for Halloween? I'll be Bach
"
148315,"My grandma is going to vote for Hillary... She's been dead since 82.
"
103269,"They say that dog is mans best friend ... ... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet
"
103833,"Other silverware probably hates the large spoon that wears skinny jeans, Keds, and thick rimmed glasses. Nobody likes a hipstirrer.
"
122921,"Cat knocks over coffee Me.... Cat.... Me... Cat.... Me: well? Cat.... Me.... Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing. Jumps down
"
21634,"Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue? Are aliens their primary customers?
"
74563,"What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit
"
47744,"How Long is a China-man? I always thought he was Korean.
"
187417,"he literally just said, """"everyone's saying i won the debate."""" is it possible...hear me out...trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
"
195409,"Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK.
"
191249,"So batman's son got into the rap industry .. They call him Lil' Wayne
"
92790,"Why is Reddit different from Facebook? [removed]
"
47494,"We were on Family Feud once.... Yea, we fought the entire time.
"
44284,"My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don't know why she got pissed when she found my """"prospects"""" list.
"
179172,"How can you teach Jamals and Juans? Just toss em banana, they will suck for it
"
193939,"So a dyslexic walks into a bra. . .
"
114986,"I'm the guy who invented the sandal for people with only one leg. It was a flop. Credit to 'flaggon' from sikipedia
"
201146,"Funny Jokes testdfdfdfdfdfd
"
193199,"Guys, if you forget your girl's birthday, just look into her eyes and say, """"I love you."""" Then run, because that is not going to help.
"
42282,"Did you hear there was a blackout last night? Don't worry, we caught him
"
109443,"I know they say that looks aren't everything... But have you ever tried wanking to personality?
"
53312,"Found a copy of """"Dr. No"""" in German, and it only set me back nein euro.
"
144395,"What happens when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? You get half way
"
45609,"Did you hear about the guy with two wooden legs who's house burnt down? He fell on his ash.
"
223797,"Love is grand Divorce is a HUNDRED grand...
"
36820,"In the Ben Affleck version, Batman's parents kill themselves.
"
137893,"[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
"
40720,"Knock knock -Honda. -Honda who? -*Honda the wings of love*
"
65972,"Why can't Cinderella play soccer? Because she keeps running away from the ball
"
75727,"I am addicted. I bought the iPhone, iPad & iTouch & now iBroke, iHomeless & iRegret.
"
203200,"""""The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole's Law.""""
"
34953,"Why do clumsy people get married? They fall in love.
"
229878,"What did Jesus say to all the Indians before he left Don't do anything until I get back.
"
194020,"I bought my friend an elephant... I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said """"Thank you."""" I said """"Don't mention it.""""
"
104111,"The tree and the wind. What does a tree say after it gets knocked over by the wind? I went out on a limb.
"
79629,"NSFW At the restaurant, everyone kept calling me a pedophile just because I'm 52 and my wife is 22...... It completely ruined our ten year anniversary dinner.
"
61481,"what do you call a Black man with a small dick? By his name you racist fuck!
"
152368,"2 guys walk into a bar. chef
"
44230,"What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism? No more jokes about the profit.
"
78362,"Coworker: you play any sports Me: yeah but I've had to take a break from it CW: oh..Injury? Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
"
158405,"If women could change one thing about the penis it would be the man.
"
149568,"Which band is difficult to dance to? The Beatless
"
135906,"What does Wolverine and Caitlin Jenner have in common? They're both X-Men.
"
99895,"Witch: Doctor I can't help pulling ugly faces.  Doctor: Well there's nothing terrible about that. Witch: It is when the people with ugly faces don't like them being pulled.
"
25804,"Why do Avon ladies walk funny? ..because their lipstick
"
16289,"The Best Knock Knock Joke All Day! Fuck you Chad.
"
38759,"If he buys your drink, but you're really not interested? Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.
"
16013,"The gardener asked me what I wanted him to do, I told him to water the plants... He points and asks """"water these?"""", I said """"nah man, *pointing* WATER THOSE"""".
"
183072,"It's ok to believe in life after love. Cher if you agree.
"
184716,"Apparently speed dating doesn't involve taking amphetamines. UGH. Worst night ever.
"
81981,"Why do they call wood carving """"whittling""""? Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler.
"
230293,"How many more spills do you think parents in paper towel commercials can take before they just push one of those kids down the stairs?
"
36353,"Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies !
"
126635,"Father is talking with his son DAD: Whaddya got there, son? SON: Soy milk. DAD: Hola milk, soy tu padre.
"
212981,"Dang girl are you the police on Grand Theft Auto, because 2 minutes after I leave you forget all about me & move on to someone else.
"
83829,"Anyone still keeping up with their New Year's resolutions? I am... Still 1080p
"
8399,"[At the Rumble] her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels* me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
"
175457,"What's the difference between a newspaper and a cocaine addict? One has headlines, and the other gives head for lines.
"
229939,"What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle? [x-post from r/bicycling] Attire
"
218921,"The government have announced new measures to stop migrants from getting into England Henceforth, Chelsea fans will be in charge of security at Calais.
"
40917,"What did Pac-Man say when he almost got run over? I'm Waka-Waka-Waka-Walking here!
"
27338,"""""God"""" not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don't worship God. """"Money"""" mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.
"
179058,"Bar So, a man walks into a bar and says ouch.
"
127279,"The joke of 2016 Trump
"
170221,"What did the bisexual man said to his wife? It is not cheating if it is in the ass.
"
196316,"My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
"
116232,"Some people are like Slinkies... Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
"
47043,"What did Kris Kross tell the nervous paratrooper? """"Tell her you're a paratrooper. Chicks dig that kind of thing.""""
"
110827,"Has anyone seen the trailer for the latest Tom Cruise movie? He can't go to the bathroom at all. It's called Mission Impissable.
"
141346,"Skywritten letters: SUSAN I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
"
170490,"Growing up in poverty, my mom was a lot like my anti-depressants... Neither of them really worked.
"
197307,"What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew? Only one makes it back from camp.
"
35281,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Cumin ! Cumin who? Cumin side its freezing out there !
"
120435,"Did you hear about the german who accidently put his hand in boiling oil? he Gottfried..
"
182427,"I saw this farmer milking a baby cow and I thought to myself """"How could anybody stoop that low?""""
"
125874,"Synonym rolls... Just like grammar used to make.
"
227993,"To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is...lucky guess.
"
57725,"A Boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother.... They couldn't settle on a name, Until it hit them! They named him Ravi O. Lee Sorry
"
137899,"For some reason, my girlfriend asked how I view lesbian relationships... Apparently """"in HD"""" was the wrong answer...
"
88125,"Lettuce, tomato, onion, green peppers... Wrong sub.
"
108151,"I didn't understand why my wife bought me a metal detector for Valentines day... Until she told me she got her clit pierced.
"
221573,"I like my Jews like I like my juice. Concentrated.
"
18621,"So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley She said """"Tenpin?"""" I said, """"No, it's a permanent job."""" - Tim Vine, King of the one liners.
"
91045,"How I Won the Pools by Jack Potts
"
112950,"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
"
168729,"I've quit my new job as a postman..... .....they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought: """"This isn't for me.""""
"
47267,"What do you call a pony that sleeps around A whorse
"
95362,"What kind of tree smells like bacon? (Original?) A Porcupine!
"
57562,"I recently found out that my aunt is both a bigot and illiterate when... she refused to shop at the local fabric store because they were having a sale, but it was only for muslins.
"
116969,"How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?  It has a rattle.
"
125544,"Never trust volleyball players with your drinks They might spike 'em.
"
27367,"A fun dream I have is to stand in the middle of Comic-Con, yell """"What's so cool about Star Wars anyway?"""", then jetpack through the ceiling.
"
79363,"My wife asked for the broom... And I said, """"Why? Are you going somewhere?""""
"
112814,"Whats a baby's favourite temperature? Womb tempertaure
"
147685,"What's the worst part about making out with a perfect 10? The cold feeling on your lips when you realize you're kissing the mirror
"
181755,"why did the lobster refuse to help anyone else? because he's shellfish
"
120477,"""""Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you."""" """"Is the male lead obsessed with me?"""" """"Yes."""" """"I'll do it.""""
"
33863,"How can you tell that a black person used your computer? It's gone.
"
147701,"I heard that the Dutch have a lot of educational support for homosexual teens. They know had bad things can go when a dyke fails.
"
30907,"There are three kinds of people The ones that can count, and the ones that can't.
"
146663,"if a child of mine is ever incredibly muscular at birth i would consider naming it XERXES in all caps like that
"
28662,"""""Brian did you remove some of the thread from your shirt logo?"""" Me: [clearly enjoying people calling me the Hug Boss] what? No probably not
"
19520,"Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground And I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
"
204911,"My girlfriend was upset when I brought home a vibrator... it rubbed her the wrong way.
"
73346,"Why did the hospital put all of their gynecologists on salary? Because the ova time was killing them.
"
119063,"How do people with Mesothelioma live their lives? Asbestos they can.
"
7355,"What's the difference between Santa Claus &amp; Michael Jackson? one comes when children dream &amp; the other dreams of children coming*.
"
189180,"Where do football directors go when they are fed  up? The bored room!
"
44318,"What state makes exclusively swiss cheese? Swisconsin.
"
151575,"Why is there the occasional black Jew? Because Hilter kept them in the oven for too long.
"
71379,"What do you call a dad joke in Jamaica? Dreadful.
"
162808,"Italy changes law to make all markets give unsold food to super needy keep it going
"
92866,"What do you call an origional joke on Reddit? Mine
"
211316,"what do you call a mexican on the moon ? an Astronaut you Racist
"
226566,"What do you call a man with his hand up a horses ass? An Amish mechanic. A favorite from Robin Williams
"
226519,"I'm going to protect my tweets on Christmas this year so Santa can't """"know when I'm not sleeping or know when I'm awake."""" Take that!
"
209701,"My website just crashed from a huge influx of traffic today... I wonder why so many people are interested in my superb owl, today of all days. I mean, he's really great and all, but he's just an owl.
"
119233,"There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
"
9046,"OMG. My wife's boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
"
206901,"I blame instagram for making these basic b*tches think that they're """"models"""" in real life.
"
60062,"A Chinaman goes to the eye doctor.... Eye doctor says """"You've got a cataract."""" Chinaman says """"No, I drive Rincoln Continental.""""
"
12319,"What is the hardest part of a vegetable? The wheelchair. ^sorry
"
156492,"Yuppie cannibals shop at Whole Dudes.
"
14175,"Sorry, I'm in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
"
133868,"Doctor Strange, Weird Al, and Oddjob walk into a bar... that's a very unusual event.
"
181029,"One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!! I'll fuck their boyfriends
"
113200,"I asked an atheist """"How do you view homosexuality?"""" He replied """"Mostly on pornhub""""
"
125936,"WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux? ME: u said to groom him WIFE: i meant brush ME: oh...sorry buddy, wedding's off DOG: this is bullshit
"
149212,"First Olympic sailing result just in. GB have taken gold, Australia have taken silver and Somalia have taken the boat
"
40376,"? Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be... ? Wait, hang on...my bad, those are vultures.
"
27778,"Dicksuckers Cramp Guy 1: """"You know what this face is?"""" *Holds mouth open in an O* Guy 2: """"No, what?"""" Guy 1: """"Dicksuckers Cramp, get it?"""" Guy 2: """"Yeah"""" Guy 1: """"How often?""""
"
113719,"Why don't anteaters get sick ? Because they are full of antibodies!
"
28620,"One of the rudest things you can do is make eye contact with someone eating McDonald's in their car.
"
177908,"I've always wondered why baseball was getting bigger ...and then it hit me
"
28820,"What's the difference between the Olympic long distance race and the Paralympic long distance race? A lap
"
203435,"i like when people call cheap liquor """"rot gut"""", implying that more expensive liquors wont also ravage their guts with harsh chemical solvent
"
133064,"What do they eat on the set of a chick flick? Romcomnoms
"
123595,"Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
"
22785,"A pack of coyotes shrieking at 3:12 AM is less unsettling if you instead imagine it's a bachelorette party that just got a limo upgrade.
"
46896,"Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it is too cheesy.
"
169101,"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
"
223895,"What do you call your ex-girlfriend from Baltimore? Old Bae
"
59375,"Guess what I saw? wood
"
79314,"What's the opposite of the Sun? The Guardian.
"
92265,"A tree falls on my kitchen, who's dead? My wife, if she doesn't clean that shit up.
"
190961,"Why did the rapper scream into his Easter basket? He wanted to give a shoutout to his peeps
"
200361,"I decided for dinner to make the Duck confit As I was in a really fowl mood.
"
36155,"What is the best food to eat after a circumcision? Brissket
"
7611,"take our dunkin donuts survey and be entered to win $50000! question 1: how sure can you *really* be that they are your real parents?
"
131296,"Keep your friends close and your asthma inhaler closer.
"
95302,"If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt...don't worry, I'm just chasing my dream.
"
4402,"FUN FACT: The Olsen twins were actually triplets but Mary ate her sister Kate in utero and that's why she has two names
"
219263,"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
"
69863,"Roses are brown, Violets are brown.. Who the fuck took a shit in my garden?
"
119883,"What does a male prostitute say when his phone keeps ringing after he's seen 3 clients in a row? """"FOUR FUCKS ACHE!!""""
"
102372,"I just had a wicked threesome on the kitchen floor. Me, Nyquil and Vodka. I'll be walking funny tomorrow!
"
230212,"What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence? Parole.
"
131105,"Why do jewish men like latinas? Because chicsas are hot!
"
147168,"isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
"
108184,"Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.
"
92676,"I bought a nice 12 year old Scotch. Obviously his parents weren't pleased!
"
78824,"My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we've lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
"
197776,"My remaining Scrabble tiles were PENSI, so I played the name of a long, hard body part ... ... SPINE.
"
115903,"ALBUS: It's a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING. SNAPE: That's amazing. We can save- ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
"
39907,"I like to observe people in lines. I'm in Wait Watchers.
"
165855,"Why did the hipster burn his fingers? because he changed the light bulb before it was cool
"
94219,"What was the first thing Adam said to Eve? Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
"
67189,"Why did the Chinese almost lose in Mulan? They had way to many chinks in their armor.
"
146095,"What do you get when you cross a spud and a metal show? Moshed potatoes.
"
174391,"I watched an exciting documentary about rabbit farmers... it was hare-raising.
"
157284,"Chris Eubank has written a book about ethics if sales go well he's going to write another book about Suffolk.
"
2262,"main difference between /news/ mods and north korea? one side executes people for no reasons and puts people in detentions camps, the other one is a country.
"
20997,"""""I"""" before """"e"""" except after """"Old MacDonald had a farm""""
"
102570,"Who is the funniest American politician? Hillarious Clinton
"
70305,"What's the difference between """"a choice"""" and """" to choose?"""" """"A choice"""" is a decision you make. """"To choose"""" are what Mexicans put on their feet.
"
228945,"""""Ahmed, you're parking too far away from the sidewalk."""" """"Who cares, its gonna explode anyways.""""
"
82611,"Today my friend got a new downstairs neighbor. Herpes
"
85771,"What did Obama say to Trump at the White House? Change
"
124334,"What do you call a black guy that flies a plane? A pilot, you f'n racist!!
"
208580,"What do you call a disabled Asian? Sum Ting Wong.
"
114713,"Cats won't give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
"
58,"I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before!
"
119822,"When I heard about Ferguson.. ...I assumed it related to Sir Alex Ferguson
"
125697,"I was in Nigeria browsing Tinder the other day It said """"There are no available girls in your area."""" (Thanks Boko Haram)
"
168962,"I've been sleeping with my pocket knife these days... It fucking hurts!
"
126171,"A sad horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks: """"Why the long face?""""
"
15099,"Reddit is like Playboy Nobody reads the articles...
"
54179,"Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup! Waiter: Don't worry Sir it's not that hot!
"
121369,"Be careful of shoe thieves I hear they're afoot.
"
140630,"The leg rests have taken over! Fear the Ottoman Empire!
"
79823,"When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home  and nailed her against the wall.
"
162820,"What is Illinois known for? The three C's. Chicago, Corn, and Corruption.
"
132292,"What is Spock's Birth Control method Vulcanized Rubber
"
65333,"Whats the difference between an easily offended person and a gun? A gun actually does something when triggered.
"
58324,"An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance.
"
225719,"I can't imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I'm Canadian and I'm chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.
"
173245,"I'm not an alpha male I'm a male
"
189836,"What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common? They share the same middle name.
"
204335,"Why was the pedophile so excited by 23 year olds? There is 20 of them!!!
"
131685,"A woman got wooden breast implants today. This joke would be funny if it had a punchline, wooden tit?
"
30505,"Son, there's no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
"
74253,"What's a hipster's favorite kind of cigarette? Yours.
"
146,"What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae
"
17984,"BREAKING: Republicans may oppose President Obama's decision to skip breakfast.
"
146893,"I used to work at an orange juice company But I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
"
105458,"I hate when people ask what I hope to be doing in 5 years time. I mean come on, I don't have 2020 vision.
"
131191,"What's the difference between shame and pride? It depends on where I draw the line.
"
183414,"Why are teenage girls so odd? Because they can't even
"
160038,"Why are rabbits never gold? How would you tell them apart from goldfish?
"
51719,"What do you say to your floating TV at midnight? PUT IT DOWN, NIGGER!
"
47639,"What's the best way to wipe a computer server? A cloth.
"
203852,"How do you clear out an Afghani bingo game..? Call B52!!
"
198627,"The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.
"
221316,"I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato
"
66605,"How do you make an ant huge Add """"eleph""""
"
201780,"Single beds Should date more.
"
217573,"What do you call masturbating on a plane? Hijacking.
"
5287,"Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy  traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
"
3560,"Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives? For shits and giggles.
"
80861,"I texted my girl saying who sang """"Party Rock Anthem"""". She replied """"LMFAO"""". I don't get what's so fucking funny?
"
192262,"All these phone companies advertising for """"More lines, more savings!"""" But when I do more lines my savings go to shit.
"
210962,"I never mess with anyone in a Pontiac Aztek. I just don't want to be on the wrong end of another of their poor decisions.
"
73778,"How is Trump vs. Clinton like Godzilla vs. Mothra? No matter who wins, the city will be destroyed.
"
196311,"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil.
"
121249,"Woman bus drivers When I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality. And then I wait for the next bus...
"
18489,"Kanye West is opening up a breakfast restaurant... Omelette You Finish
"
210480,"I just moved to a new housing estate and asked my girlfriend to celebrate with anal Her response; """"N.I.M.B.Y""""
"
150389,"Chevrolet has seen a huge drop in sales in Canada They just hate the 2016 Cruze
"
33100,"'Dances with Wolves'... But it's just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
"
130389,"My husband asked if I was wet enough.. I was so he told me to get the fuck out of the shower and make him breakfast or he was going to be late for work.
"
36012,"Why can't the plane fly? Because it's grounded.
"
167834,"Math problems for smartypants-s What is the square route of an EMU? A RADICAL EMU!!!!!!
"
169076,"Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
"
141170,"English teachers put more thought into novels than the authors do.
"
41755,"I hear that strong instruments are best at the inner city. You always hear the news say, inner city violins this... inner city violins that.
"
144085,"What would LMFAO's hit song be called if they were Russian? """"I'm Slavic and I know it""""
"
32955,"Stupid Joke I'd like to name my kid buoyancy, but whatever floats your boat.
"
147474,"Don't have phone sex You might get hearing aids.
"
174004,"Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.
"
26238,"When I was young, I stopped believing in Santa despite massive peer pressure. You could say I was a rebel without a Clause.
"
155621,"what's the difference.... ..... between a vagina and a refrigerator? refrigerators don't fart when you pull out your meat
"
145412,"Why is the twin towers and gender the same. There used to be two of them but now it's to offensive to talk about.
"
79883,"Knock, knock. Get off my porch!
"
182533,"Frankenstein the Gardner why is frankenstein a great gardner????
"
209810,"Transjenner
"
178265,"My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
"
10627,"He died doing what he loved. He didn't know she was married.
"
44140,"I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like """"Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?"""" & we stay up talking about it.
"
159877,"My friend says she's doing good but she means well
"
132193,"I knew someone that was frozen to absolute zero once. He was 0K.
"
164997,"How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome? You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.
"
76252,"What's a Muslim's favourite musician? Shari'ah Carey
"
43684,"I feel sorry for Bruce Jenner. He should have never admitted that he is a Republican. Some things are just better kept in the closet.
"
138818,"How do you make the spying NSA frustrated?
"
208816,"Gas prices have me feeling like I'm robbing the gas station. """"Just leave, before they change their mind.""""
"
126369,"What does farm animal porn sound like? Brownchickenbrowncow
"
133861,"A good pickup line is """"I have a phone charger.""""
"
102650,"Archaeologists discover the remains of a slave-worker under famous statue in Giza Reports claim he died of Asphinxiation
"
215692,"I go hours without using the restroom just so I can let out a huge orgasmic moan when I start to pee & scare other women in the ladies room.
"
91749,"What did one lawyer say to another lawyer? We are both lawyers.
"
64633,"So I went to a restaurant called Bukkake the other day... WAY too much sauce on everything.
"
138959,"Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?
"
117859,"What is the most honest vegetable? Beetruet
"
61219,"What do midwesterners call Minnesota? Minnepop.
"
32076,"If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
"
150011,"What did the DNA say to the RNA? Uracil-y structure!
"
28260,"So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
"
175954,"At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.... ...Only 15 pounds to go.
"
196436,"Why is the sky blue? Son: Dad..Why is the sky blue? Dad: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing the lawn.
"
61043,"How does Harry Potter go down a hill? By walking. JK. Rowling.
"
7757,"How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? Third as many as for a regular bulb.
"
57105,"All good Dick jokes... are well concocted.
"
183834,"Just tried to switch to Bing. Google was like, """"You can, but it'd be a real shame if some of your old searches got out.""""
"
86016,"Why do you not run over a Mexican on a bicycle? It could be your bicycle!
"
137519,"A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns... But then I realised toucan play at that game.
"
55166,"At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy I loved that wheelchair.
"
217518,"How do to an indian burn My curry is better than yours.
"
166683,"Have you heard about the Flint, Michigan football team? Their lead is unstoppable!
"
94953,"""""Pilot season"""" in Hollywood is when TV networks pay writers millions of dollars to think of ways people could move in together.
"
71801,"How does the moon cut his hair Eclipse it!
"
56862,"It didn't take long for Japan to illustrate Rousey's knockout. See? http://imgur.com/NSLx1SZ EDIT: Link works now.
"
37453,"(Animal school) Lion: That's my desk Wildebeast: Sorry, I'm gnu -5 minutes later Sloth: *slowly falling from chair* Ha. Ha. Ha. Gnu!
"
167067,"1998: - Don't get in strangers' cars - Don't meet ppl from internet 2016: - Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
"
27229,"What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ? An alarm cluck !
"
144010,"What do bad photographs and the Irish famine have in common? Potato quality
"
221065,"Why did the cop shoot the insomniac? He was resisting a rest
"
217901,"What's the difference between a walrus and a lesbian? One smells like fish and has a mustache, and the other is a walrus.
"
99320,"I used to follow my dreams, but they all got restraining orders.
"
193013,"What kind of bug do you find on a long car ride? An I-shoulda-pede.
"
22012,"My internet is so slow... Loading...
"
213037,"[SKYRIM JOKE] Why didn't the Nords win the theater audition? They should have acted.
"
148139,"It costs over 200,000 dollars to raise a child these days. And that's just for alcohol.
"
176006,"If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
"
202192,"How are marriage and commiting suicide the same? You are really good at it if you have only had to do it once. Edit: Joke idea taken from a /r/showerthoughts post.
"
125751,"Apparently Sepp Blatter has resigned to spend more time with his family... ... And his shreddder
"
159657,"What's the worst part about eating out a grandma? Have you ever pulled apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
"
193849,"What do you call a Blind German? A Not see.
"
143157,"I'm currently in a very serious relationship ,we don't even smile .
"
172856,"Did you hear the joke about King Midas and King Oedipus? It's pure, motherfucking gold.
"
11310,"Finally found out why MTV doesn't do crossover episodes The FCC had some serious problems with """"Pimp my Pregnant 16 Year Old.""""
"
214824,"I'm surprised they didn't make an all-female Ghost Busters sooner... Busting ghosts at three quarters on the dollar? What a savings!
"
100989,"Where do galaxies go to college? University! Happy 1st day back to school to many of you :)
"
208257,"How do reptilians melt steel beams? thermite.
"
226866,"Where is the most open green space in New York  City? Central Pork
"
107952,"MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn't stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.
"
157779,"Whats the last thing that goes thru a bug's mind when it hits the windshield? Its ass.
"
182274,"What happens when a plant is sad? The other plants have to photosympathize with it
"
82035,"Ruin a date in 5 words... Does this smell like chloroform?
"
174318,"What Do You Call A Sleep Walking Nun? A Roamin' Catholic.
"
160453,"Me: """"I'd like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please."""" Man: """"That isn't how a food bank works, sir.""""
"
77645,"""""Gosh it's raining cats and dogs"""" said Fred looking out of the kitchen window. """"I know"""" said his mother. """"I've just stepped in a poodle!""""
"
83880,"What do they call spiders in the Middle East? Iraqnids
"
70971,"What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has it's pricks on the outside!
"
212700,"We could clothe the needy with all the extra fabric black dudes wear.
"
100800,"Q: Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon? A: Because she'll let it go!
"
24128,"Floyd Mayweather was asked about remarks made by critics on last night's fight. He said """"I don't tend to read into things""""
"
44382,"How did the farmhand get a job at reddit? He put """"excellent reposter"""" on his resume.
"
216103,"If Patrick Bateman from American Psycho had a butler, what would the butler call him? """"Master Bateman.""""
"
41314,"Why do Rednecks love cheeseburgers? Because they are in bread.
"
2979,"HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems *i pick up my phone* HER: your behavior is untenable """"hold on I'm still googling exacerbate""""
"
165917,"I'm not hungry but I'm going to eat these Oreos because they're there. Americans.
"
14162,"This guy just threw milk on me! How dairy....
"
2225,"It's amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday. For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
"
110972,"Rene Descartes walks into a bar The bartender asks him if he'd like a drink. Descartes replies """"I think not"""" and vanishes.
"
41342,"I hate talking to my boyfriend sometimes. Every time I bring up his camping fetish, he pitches a huge tent.
"
58511,"The human body is amazing; I ate no pickles today, yet I just produced a burp that tasted EXACTLY like delicious pickles.
"
14798,"Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
"
226315,"What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up? Slow clap.
"
111887,"Most people think it is perfectly okay to recharge a battery. I think it's revolting.
"
79997,"Chuck Norris house trained his dog by 1 roundhouse kick to the face.
"
164682,"welcome to Olive Garden! when you're here, you're family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can't you be more like your sister
"
8868,"What is your mom's favorite animal? Macaque.
"
51288,"I grew up for this?
"
197842,"What's the difference between a Ford and a tampon? The tampon comes with a tow rope.
"
70528,"What do you call the electronic process of making a sandwich? A sub routine.
"
48948,"There are three types of people in the world. Those that are good with numbers and those who are not.
"
121373,"If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
"
154352,"Christopher Nolan and Leo Dicaprio walk into a bar and then they walk into another one
"
193060,"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey..... But then I turned myself around.
"
186609,"Why didn't the magician shave? He made it disabeard..
"
11178,"I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple Sorry, wrong thread
"
41708,"Healthy midgets don't exist. Midgets are always under the weather.
"
64707,"If it looks like I'm typing for five minutes I'm really just trying to spell diarrhea.
"
168024,"My girl said for every upvote this gets I get one thrust for anal Please do not upvote, her strap-on looks really big.....
"
37638,"I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. At least I know where I stand now.
"
117020,"I thought I might be pregnant. It turns out I'm just three months fat.
"
88322,"How do you know when a white girl recently visited her friends grave? There's Starbucks next to the headstone.
"
20950,"Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views... ...toddlers are the worst.
"
138913,"My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
"
15265,"Why don't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it's *P* is silent....
"
189010,"My paper boy is Jamaican... My paper is always late, and it's always rolled nice and tight
"
44102,"It's a shame Pacquiao is opposed to gay marriage. If they were married Mayweather would have boxed more aggressively.
"
56856,"what idiot called it becoming a zombie and not waking up on the wrong side of the dead
"
21391,"My son told me all females have nice butts in yoga pants, so I took him to Walmart so he could see the error of his thoughts.
"
81328,"*places empty liquor bottle on shelf for display* I'm An Animal Now Everyone. I Decorate With Trash. Literally An Animal
"
116597,"What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley? the location of the dirt bag!
"
214515,"I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi. You can imagine my disappointment.
"
65437,"What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
"
222875,"What do you call a group of unorganized cats? A CAT-ASTROPHE!
"
191736,"I just dropped a fart that sounded like I got the wrong answer on a game show.
"
40004,"I got a banging sound system fitted into my car. Might make my job as a hearse driver more entertaining.
"
49016,"Where do fish deposit their money? River banks
"
114291,"Why did Jesus fall on the side of the road? Because he was crossed.
"
217370,"The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
"
56642,"A hippo comes to a doctor... with a toad on his head. - What seems to be the problem? - There's something stuck to my ass, - answers the toad.
"
7717,"I once put a bunch of grapes in a woman's vagina.... She didn't say much, she just let out a little wine.
"
54088,"[office meeting] BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs? SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y'all lookin' at me?
"
211819,"If only Africa had more mosquito nets... then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.
"
184387,"Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method. But Han shot first.
"
100113,"If a normal person's mouth waters at a steak? Does a vegan's mouth water when someone is mowing the grass?
"
88374,"When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid... *lowers shades* ...Dutch Coven.
"
135841,"I've been informed by TSA that my man-bun is not allowed on the plane. They fear a riot from horny women clamoring to sit next to me
"
5453,"At the risk of offending my fans, I finally bought an air conditioner
"
162779,"Why would Trump not lose any votes if he shot someone? Because he doesn't have any in the first place
"
30409,"What's blue, small and sits in a corner? A baby with its hand in the power socket.
"
195080,"Spent over an Hour at the wife's grave this Morning Bless her, She thinks I'm Digging a Pond.
"
61267,"Why do successful lettuce farmers always get women? Because everyone knows they give good *head*.
"
212415,"What is invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts
"
228418,"The more """"normal"""" you try to be, the less interesting people like myself will find you.
"
199206,"[10 PM] If I go to bed now, I'll get a full 8 hours of sleep [3AM] Siri what is a grape nut
"
105677,"Everyone is unique. Except you. You are not unique. You are the only not unique person in human history.
"
203272,"I recently went to Israel The showers and trains didn't work.
"
43173,"My dad was a magician... He could be walking down the street and turn into a bar.
"
93797,"What did the bartender say to the alien? """"You're drunk ET, go home!""""
"
158184,"Inauguration Day crowds One more thing that Trump has that's smaller than a black guy's.
"
124222,"I can't wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.
"
82645,"What do the jews use to browse the internet? NethanYahoo!
"
195511,"Tesla Car Driving Grandmother to Family Christmas. 12 Hours Later...: Pulls up into the family home dead with the children yelling """"Grandma's here! Grandma's here!""""
"
70891,"Invisible man married invisible woman.......Their kids were nothing to look at either!!
"
39508,"My girlfriend told me stop singing wonderwall. I said maaaaybe....
"
93904,"Just monkeying around An orangutan walks over to an another orangutan and says 'Yo, I'm the best at climbing and swinging!' His friend looks at him and says 'that's a gibbon.'
"
23268,"Postmodernism pun Hi all, I'm trying to come up with a clever pun on postmodernism but I'm stumped. Does anyone have any clever puns on postmodernism?
"
87763,"A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff ba-dumm-tss
"
113515,"What did people call Putin after he lost an arm? Amputin
"
26429,"Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!
"
107428,"Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She didn't wear a seatbelt.
"
206510,"If you hold a SUV up to your ear, you can almost hear the sound of the ocean screaming.
"
170379,"Have you heard of the corduroy pillow? Well, its making headlines.
"
23766,"Why did God create man first? So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.
"
112802,"I've just been informed by a porn site that """"8 hot nymphos in my area are dying to meet me."""" I'm understandably stoked.
"
196806,"what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden
"
15199,"Why are women dressed white on their wedding day? because all good kitchen appliances come in white.
"
111080,"A pessimist, optimist and feminist Optimist: The glass is half full Pessimist: The glass is half empty Feminist: The glass is raped
"
164909,"What is long, hard and full of sperm ? The sock under my bed.
"
119792,"Q: If one horse is in the corral, running around the perimeter of the fence, and another horse is running free in a field, which one is singing, """"Don't Fence Me In""""? A: Neither. Horses can't sing.
"
156798,"There was only one animal at the zoo... it was a Shihtzu
"
154495,"I can count on one hand the number of times I've blown four of my fingers off with illegal fireworks.
"
53300,"If you can't beat the record, you can beat up its owner.
"
194970,"If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy. I would....
"
34817,"How can you tell that truckers like nuts? They always have pecans! (Read aloud)
"
231351,"What's the best part of having a kid? The chewy center.
"
1932,"What's the best city to search the World Wide Web in? Rome.
"
40520,"I like to think of myself as the Martha Stewart of slobs.
"
213308,"How can your make 7 even? Take away the """"S""""
"
43269,"My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. So, I got drunk.
"
113330,"I made a chicken salad today... The bastard didn't even eat it.
"
121092,"DAD: wat am i chopped liver CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
"
158659,"I got my first email address in 1999 to keep in touch with a girl I met in Poland. She's dead now but I still use email.
"
117166,"Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! Whos there? Control Freak. Con Okay, now you say, Control Freak who?
"
199955,"Chairman: Ok so we've decided a group of crows is called a flock? Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I've got a better idea
"
176542,"Who is the biggest singer right now? Ariana Grande
"
119421,"My favorite thing about camping is when I stay home & don't.
"
90850,"What do you call tiny waves that wash up onto a beach? Microwaves!
"
86624,"Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9? Because 7 - 8 - 9.
"
9338,"I have a joke about minidisc... ...but it's a little CD.
"
9777,"What does a racist get for their birthday? KK-cake
"
116202,"COP: Know why I stopped you? MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh? COP: You're using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
"
41350,"Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide - Windexter.
"
181735,"""""Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON"""" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on
"
39162,"Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it.
"
48283,"Scientists discovered a kind of dinosaur that could only see moving bodies. They named it 'Doyouthinkitsaurus?'
"
122827,"Hi. We noticed you Googled """"How do I keep IT from seeing my browser history"""" yesterday at 3:21pm. How'd that work out for you?
"
131544,"If I had $1 every time somebody called me a racist... Black people would rob me!
"
115166,"I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but fuck you.
"
211345,"What's the difference between a cactus and a BMW? With a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.
"
142592,"What do you call an Asian-Indian man, who is standing on one leg? Balan Singh
"
107095,"It takes a long time for a giraffe... ...to swallow its pride.
"
229782,"What comes after a 69?
"
65964,"What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer? Depends what you smoke. (Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)
"
185040,"In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air? God damn inflation.
"
161362,"There was a sniper here Anybody s..
"
151593,"*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*
"
186367,"Girl's status* """"Bored""""  86 likes  27 comments *My status* """"Just got accepted into Harvard!  0 likes  1 comment from Mom: """"nerd""""
"
38950,"I'd like to give a shout out to the sidewalk.... for keeping me off the streets.
"
84744,"Why one's dick can be only 11 inches long? Because if it's longer, it's called a foot.
"
120548,"Sent my ex a card that said, """"Get better soon."""" He's not ill, just really crap in bed.
"
66288,"Feel free to not tell me how sore you are from working out.
"
46180,"Why do Asian girls have small breasts? Because their fathers want them to have A's.
"
155076,"A fortune cookie told me I'd receive an important message soon. The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
"
88855,"""""Always leave them wanting more"""" is great advice for a performer. Restaurant owners, on the other hand...
"
189308,"Why can't you fight an accountant ? They'll always out number you!
"
28565,"What is the smallest part of a little person? Their wee-knees!
"
52825,"Why are diapers like $10 bills? Because you have to change them.
"
191499,"What do you eat when you fly? Plane food or Plain food?
"
95482,"Whaddaya call a blind nun? A roamin' catholic.
"
57067,"Just when I thought we'd avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
"
67460,"I wouldn't say I do a lot of psychedelics... But my couch has seatbelts.
"
181208,"People are rough on gym teachers, but let's not forget all the years they spend in college, learning how to yell a last name in a scary way.
"
33781,"How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower. Hand her a shovel!
"
144978,"How do you confuse a gay person? 7
"
12245,"knock knock Who's There? Do you ya Do you ya who? No, It's 2014 I use Google
"
179699,"Look. If we're going with redundancies like """"tunafish"""", I'll just have my beefmeat and be done with it.
"
94599,"Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat.
"
149406,"If you need help staying awake, subtract sheep in your head.
"
36508,"How do you spot a sumo at a feminist rally? Look for the one with shaved legs....
"
229947,"a:1:{s:7:""""retweet"""";i:1;}
"
113823,"Actual air attendant: """"Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st""""
"
183830,"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
"
187079,"What does a french sheep say? Ca ba?
"
100822,"My math text book got recalled We were told it had too many problems
"
179277,"What's better than winning a silver medal at the Paralympics? Being able to walk.
"
80700,"Great deals on circumcisions, Half off!
"
60943,"i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.
"
66747,"What's the real reason Mr. Clean is always smiling? He likes it dirty.
"
211782,"Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself? Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
"
141546,"What did the tailor say to the fed up customer? Suit yourself.
"
211953,"they used to allow cell phones on airplames but the pasengers kept textimg the pilots to do loop-de-loops & barrel rols. it was too rad
"
159305,"I was down the gym this morning, when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in... ...Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.
"
152548,"(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today's pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
"
144559,"Why does it take longer to make a snow woman than a Snowman? Because you have to hollow out the head.
"
9047,"What's the difference between a Mexican and an elevator? One can raise a child.
"
227053,"Did you hear about the prize-winning author that got a chicken in the mail? It was a pullet surprise!
"
175325,"Yeah, I believe..... Yeah, I believe Indians should be given land. I believe in animal rights.
"
62939,"What do you call 4 dicks tied together? An erectangle.
"
132583,"What did the lobster do at the disco? Pulled a muscle.
"
23574,"Guy walks into a bar... A guy walks into a bar and drunkenly yells at the bartender, """"I fucked your mother!!"""". The bartender says, """"Dad, go home"""".
"
148909,"What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? How was your date with Chris Brown.
"
94285,"Mirror Inspector When I think about it, inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
"
152021,"Why Are Demons So Fat? Because they hate exorcising.
"
189187,"My ex was just diagnosed as a narcissist Good to see I'm not the only one with low standards.
"
103783,"Anyone ever seen Stevie Wonders house? Neither has he!
"
138548,"Why do farmers have potential to become great judges? They recognize bullshit from miles.
"
74247,"I installed a mirror in front of my toilet so that when I run out of things to read I will have someone to talk to.
"
19428,"you are one of billions of workers trading irreplaceable hours of your life so a few hundred guys can have more money than anyone in history
"
183535,"What is a baby bee ? A little humbug !
"
143749,"It's funny when guys say """"treat your girl right or I will"""" lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?
"
125033,"Me: I need to lose my baby weight. Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest? Me: Thirteen.
"
128139,"How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
"
6150,"What do you call an Asian with a big... NSFW Butt hole? Gay ping!
"
189574,"How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but first he has to rewire the entire building.
"
156196,"What is the proper expression of gratitude when someone calls you a good listener? """"Huh?""""
"
221600,"I hate when people ask me what I see myself doing in 5 years...... I don't have 2020 vision
"
162372,"Return to empty house. TV turned on to UFC. Faint smell of Axe body spray. Worst fear realized. My house has polterguys.
"
216672,"I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
"
210597,"knock knock Knock knock? Who's there? King Tut King Tut who? King Tut Key Fried Chicken!
"
132796,"I'm not feeling very well today, I have constipation But I couldn't give a shit
"
114211,"What did the sarcastic taximan say when he lost his job? Oh well that's just uber, isn't it
"
103418,"Enjoy dogs while you can. One day they're going to evolve opposable thumbs and open all of our cupboards and shit
"
18960,"So a horse comes into a bar... wait crap, I meant a guy... So this horse cums in to a guy (credit to cyanide and happiness)
"
156558,"How do you top a train? Tep on the break tupid! :D:D:D
"
48137,"A friend and I got into a fight on a ski lift. It was an uphill battle.
"
54121,"Why did the nickel jump off the building but the dime didn't? The dime had more cents.
"
179858,"If I were in a musical, I'd get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.
"
49392,"What's Donald Trump's least favorite music band of all time? Foreigner.
"
89078,"Sex is like dark humor Not everyone gets it.
"
165080,"Sometimes I feel like Valentine's Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.
"
130757,"Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart. """"I'll be beethoven!"""" Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be? """"I'LL BE BACH.""""
"
71718,"Wanna hear a joke? Sanctity of marriage. OH!
"
93938,"The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat
"
67939,"Empty brain A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this? B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
"
125980,"8yo: Ghosts real? Me: No! 4yo: I heard groaning last night 8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning 4yo: What was that? Me: .. Them: .. Me: Ghosts
"
190774,"Kik you? Like what? In the face?
"
22869,"""""Fuck it"""" - guy in charge of naming the hot air balloon
"
157330,"What do gay men say when they pray? AHHH **MEN**
"
89693,"If you were a browser, you'd be called FireFoxy.
"
16105,"13: Dad, do you believe in miracles? Me: Do you remember spray painting my car? 13: yeah M: Are you breathing? 13: yeah M: Well, there ya go
"
3457,"WARNING! If you get an e-mail with the title of """"Nude Photo of Newt Gingrich"""" DO NOT OPEN IT! It IS a nude photo of Newt Gingrich.
"
157953,"A man goes to the doctor... ...and the doctor tells him he has dyslexia. The man replies, """"Dyslexia? I just met her!""""
"
118856,"Why do so many guys spit in urinals? Just seems weird that there are that many dudes who salivate at the sight of a wiener.
"
58455,"I made a girl wet yesterday. I took away her umbrella.
"
105282,"Who would win in a fight between Muhammad Ali and Stephen Hawking? Parkinson's
"
119258,"PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as """"late-term abortion."""" Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
"
25423,"First Michael Jackson, and now Neil Armstrong.... The world is running out of moonwalkers
"
63688,"What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WA-TA!
"
76474,"Did you hear about the nation's best farmer? He's out standing in his field.
"
132814,"An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I loaned it to a friend but he suddenly moved away
"
45809,"The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
"
117782,"May you never leave your marriage alive.
"
65001,"My friend is so rich He thought Manual labor was a Spanish musician
"
87685,"So what are you doing these days? * -Oh, i just sit in my house and complain about things.. * -So how is that working out for you? * -Well i can't complain * -Oh
"
218522,"whats the difference between a Mexican and a park bench? the park bench can hold a family of four
"
106817,"Have you heard about the new store coming to the mall? It's a pretty *hot topic*.
"
227451,"A cop stops a prostitute... and asks have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before? """"No, but I've been swung around by my titties.""""
"
138942,"How do Jedis close their programs on a Mac? They use Force quit.
"
205728,"Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality than any other mammal. Well, that explains Edward.
"
111921,"If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
"
209663,"My girlfriend told me she loses Mortal Kombat matches on purpose. She said it's the only time I finish her.
"
152873,"What's long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber 
"
186988,"The man who invented the """"VELCRO"""" died today.... ...RIP.
"
217984,"I was talking to a girl last night ... She was quite fat, but she had huuuuge tits. """"My eyes are up here"""", I had to say, because she kept staring at the hamburger in my hand.
"
183950,"*Eats a Lean Cuisine *20 minutes go by. *Devours entire Pizza Hut store...including employees.
"
26735,"The 3 words that best describe me are... I'm really bad at counting.
"
38398,"I'm going to hell for this but..... *knock knock* Who's there? *9/11* 9/11 who? *you said you'd never forget*
"
6078,"Tight pants are like a cheap hotel... No ball room
"
23956,"Poop jokes aren't my absolute favorite kinds of jokes. But they're a solid #2.
"
121680,"[family feud] Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence... Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
"
186517,"Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you're probably not making it out alive.
"
174372,"My friend thinks I'm too indecisive. I'm not sure what to think of that.
"
59094,"Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes? Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car
"
189219,"Other than THAT Ms. Lincoln, how was the play?
"
94398,"You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you? Broke.
"
119062,"What has long ears four legs and is worn on  your head? An Easter bunnet!
"
127725,"I'm going to start rapping under the name """"Jay Y"""" So I can tell Jay Z """"I'm coming for you""""
"
41380,"Exec 1: We gotta improve our company image. E2: Hey, let's call customers at home. E1: At dinner, on Sunday. E2: But be pushy. E1: Perfect.
"
36409,"What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? Taste...
"
30709,"What does Mr. Kipling do in his spare time? Pumps cream into tarts.
"
19727,"The perfect Irish bean stew (In an Irish accent) Why does d' perfect Irish stew require exactly two hundred n' terty nine beans? Because if you added one more it'd be two farty.
"
169614,"why do people swerve I love running over stuff
"
40154,"Why are Christians so bad at Trigonometry ? They're afraid of sin
"
26476,"What do you do if you see a blue banana?  Try to cheer it up.
"
201464,"What is a neckbeard's favorite fish? M'ahi
"
12125,"""""They say penguins can't fly. Can't? Or never got the chance?"""" I whisper in the penguin's ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.
"
100288,"She was only a fishmonger's daughter .. .. but she'd slap it on a slab and shout """"Fillet!""""
"
96679,"In life, we should all aim to be like Italian meatballs. Well seasoned and well rounded.
"
41766,"You ever hear the one about the super-competitive guy who joined a circlejerk? He came in first *and* third. (Ngaio Bealum)
"
57890,"Men often think that women don't know what they want. That's incorrect. Women know exactly what they do and don't want, however, those two are usually the same thing.
"
169670,"Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.
"
60267,"So many haunted """"mansions."""" Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
"
104155,"What tense do Italians speak in? Pasta continuous.
"
150932,"Pot is a plant, that grows in the ground. If God didn't want it, It wouldn't be around. So all you f*ckers that don't get high, Shut the f*ck up and give it a try!
"
27908,"Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they're changing their name to the ACME Corp.
"
72161,"Is the end of the world happening right now? The internet is not working on my phone, so that was my first logical conclusion.
"
135579,"What did 0 say to 8? hey, nice belt!
"
100718,"You are a sad, strange little man... That's what she said!
"
141655,"What do dyslexic sysadmins eat for breakfast? Cronflakes.
"
145752,"Did you hear about the cow that jumped over the barbed wired fence? It was udder catastrophe!
"
137597,"my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
"
87204,"What do the mafia and 69 have in common? A slip of the tongue and you're in for some shit.
"
146299,"""""and god said LET THERE BE BUTTS and there were butts nice warm jiggly butts everywhere on every human"""" - me 2:16
"
115053,""""" I gotta see this guys best tweet, I'll gift him Favstar Pro"""". Said no one ever.
"
54900,"rural upbringin' What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Wisconsin? Prom night.
"
226339,"Pavlov goes on a trip... But when someone rings a bell he realizes he forgot to feed the dog.
"
202120,"I made an original joke And it's not funny
"
40301,"A Maid Knocks On Her Master's Door Her master is busy talking on the phone She asks, """"Sir would you like some juice?"""" He Replies """"Give Me A Minute Maid""""
"
37194,"My doctor told me I'm artistic. I have no idea how he could tell.
"
113805,"The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
"
6423,"Comcast opens an airline. The airplane only goes full speed to certain, partner airports and if the airplane flies further than expected, you're charged per mile.
"
140827,"Have you heard the one about the single lady and the hitman? probably not, the punchline is a dead miss.
"
90264,"I don't want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
"
230902,"What's in front of a woman and in the back of a cow? The W. Yeah my dad just busted this joke on me.
"
59656,"What came first the car or the wheel? The car because a wheel isn't cary fast but a car is wheely fast.
"
38959,"Dear grapefruit, putting the name of a better fruit in your name doesn't change the fact that you taste like a lemon's butthole.
"
133770,"I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
"
87118,"I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but... ...when I got home all the signs were there
"
126628,"I was going to use Bing for all my searches ...but I couldn't find myself doing it
"
94555,"Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven's a six offender.
"
214030,"What do you call a gay paraplegic? Rolaids.
"
207935,"Urethra! I've done it! ...says the gynecologist after a spectacular discovery. """"I don't think that's quite right sir,"""" says the patient.
"
192748,"I wish people would stop asking me where I think I'm going to be in 4 years... I don't have 2020 vision.
"
179844,"I'm starting a mirror cleaning business. Its a job I can really see myself doing!!
"
86130,"How did the cheerleader get magic AIDS? A Magic Johnson.
"
71502,"my dad told me this one Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table , then a chair
"
209537,"How do you know a soprano is at the door? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
"
200535,"{Commercial for Floors} Is this you? {footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
"
144281,"I should probably never be a mom considering I'd rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone
"
22681,"What did Ray Rice say the first time he met his girlfriend? """"Dayuum. I'd hit that.""""
"
81478,"It's cool how when people tell us about their dreams that were the weirdest/most beautiful thing they've ever seen we're like """"UGH BORING""""
"
145760,"Did you see the movie invisible? I couldn't
"
54401,"What's a sailor's favorite kind of knot? It's a tie.
"
145433,"Want to lose 10 pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.
"
215671,"Why is Italy's birth rate decreasing? Because they pull out at the last second.
"
195432,"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur. Licktalottapuss.
"
44916,"I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use """"sliced bread"""" as our basis for great inventions.
"
68827,"Knock Knock Knock knock Who's there? Daisy Daisy who? DAISY ME ROLLING, THEY HATING
"
192355,"What's a Pirate's favorite letter? Ye would think it be Arrr(R) but its the Sea(C)!
"
156393,"What does a redneck do when he misses his girlfriend? Reload, take better aim.
"
172088,"Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food Priorities
"
134300,"Why does America have so many boasting Republicans? Because it needs some bragging rights.
"
36971,"I think I've found the cure for AIDS. It was in the bathroom cabinet after all.
"
160085,"I won't be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
"
219349,"I'm glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn't want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
"
156307,"Spent an hour by my wife's grave God bless her soul, she thinks I'm digging a koi pond.
"
27755,"What's stronger, fifty watts of sound or fifty watts of light? I don't care but would you please stop screaming, turning the lights on and off.
"
60660,"When you think your life couldn't be any more pathetic, remember some people have more than 1 Facebook account.
"
64183,"Why are giraffes slow to apologize? It takes them a long time to swallow their pride
"
231505,"/r/Jokes just surpassed /r/AskReddit in users! I lie...
"
124146,"My elected representatives and the executives of the firm I work at are going to be in the News soon ! Thanks Panama Papers !
"
221495,"Why do people order espresso shots at Starbucks? Because it's black. Sorry.
"
196959,"There was a kidnapping in my neighborhood today... So i woke him up.
"
77563,"I've heard so many drunken Irish jokes, it's gettin' old... ...not everyone's a drunkard in me ~~Publin~~ Dublin.
"
83346,"What do astronauts put on their toast? Space Jam.
"
188003,"How can you tell if a girl is ticklish? Give her a couple of test tickles...
"
176305,"A man returns home only to find out all the lamps in his house were stolen He was delighted
"
196239,"""""I saw the Facebook Movie yesterday. It's a good movie. It touched all my emotions: LOL, OMG, WTF...""""
"
129966,"I almost got killed because my Superman cloak wasn't the correct size. It was a narrow """"S"""" cape.
"
64502,"God: I made you in my own image. Adam: Your penis looks bigger.
"
11512,"*Power goes out* Wife: I can't see! *Shoes light up* Me: Ha! Whose shoes were """"a waste of money"""" & """"clearly meant for a large child"""" now?!
"
199204,"If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
"
210985,"Why couldn't the teller comprehend the bank robber? He was bad at stickup lines.
"
136978,"What do performing oral sex on a constipated woman and working for the Mafia have in common? One wrong slip of the tongue and you'll probably wind up in deep shit.
"
1366,"Let's make fake tan orange people an official race so we can discriminate against them properly.
"
217384,"How do people do backflips and shit, like I can't even flip my grilled burger without fucking it up.
"
55237,"What did the Irishman say about Batman and Superman's fathers? They were both Martha Fockers
"
94422,"I used to be addicted to soap... ...I'm clean now
"
125523,"My favourite position in bed...... The side nearest the socket so i can play with my phone while it's charging
"
114872,"How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two...but I don't know how you're going to get them in there...
"
190658,"[DARK] A bulky muslim man walks into a gay bar... He says """"EVERYONE, WANNA SEE THESE GUNS??"""" Everyone """"YEEEAAAHHH!!!"""" And. Thats how Orlando happened. And dark humor is never too soon :)
"
86216,"My boss keeps getting pissed when I call him 'Dick' for short... It might be because his name is Brian.
"
205002,"I heard they found the plane.. Well at least Sarah Palin tweeted that she could see the wreckage from her house.
"
12750,"Why did John Snow get an iPhone? For the watch.
"
208714,"A good rule of thumb is It's opposable.
"
87425,"Bricks and mortar are so passe. I going to live in my homepage.
"
177278,"Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
"
187113,"The pickle is like your sandwich's pet
"
47152,"I just spent my entire tax return on guacamole.
"
194688,"Why did the black guy wear a suit and tie to his vasectomy? """"Well, if I'm gonna be impotent, I'm gonna look impotent.""""
"
176792,"What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies? I haven't got a Ferrari in my garage
"
59332,"My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying """"try again bro.""""
"
222280,"What did the drummer get on his test? Drool
"
43187,"My mother said that I looked """"cheap"""" with my bra showing underneath my clothes - so I took my bra off.
"
95832,"Why do hipsters only buy games from GOG? Because other stores are too mainSteam.
"
62138,"My son is a man trapped in a woman's body he'll be born in February
"
30136,"I bought the mask Jigsaw wears in the movie 'SAW' just so that if a robber ever breaks into my house he'll know he made a fucking mistake.
"
141030,"What is the proper weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds .......not counting the urn!
"
78241,"How do crabs get out of hospitals? On crotches.
"
102969,"Damn girl are you the meta? 'Cause I really didn't need this cumback.
"
193806,"How do you get down from an Elephant? You don't, you get down from a Goose.
"
122717,"Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says """"Don't Bother Me,"""" so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
"
208534,"*Tips fedora at a mosquito* M'laria
"
60176,"If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to smile about when you're old.
"
26834,"How do you recognize a feminist from a bunch of naked women? She's the one with the penis.....envy.
"
114170,"I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me.
"
121674,"Zombies are categorically asexual as they are more interested in taking head than giving head.
"
223621,"They say """"confidence"""" is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I'd have to say """"not banging my friends"""" would be a very close 2nd
"
215986,"Why is the Star Trek enterprise like toilet paper? They both circle your anus searching for cling-ons
"
69045,"A man walks into a bar and says ow
"
43267,"A girl's ass is like an onion... ...It'll give you really bad breath if you eat it raw!
"
74297,"feeling dunb after a class test they are always the same :( reddit jokes saved me
"
60692,"I bought a new boomerang... but I couldn't throw away my old one.
"
163786,"Why should a good driver always carry weed in his car? So he always hits the green when he's driving.
"
757,"How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.
"
23377,"I'm going to tell you a joke about a broken pencil........ Never mind. It's pointless.
"
60274,"How do you make a protester cry? Tear gas
"
204733,"Under pressure, Air Bud's math teacher changes grade from """"he's a dog"""" to a 70
"
100081,"Who wants to dress up as a battery and make Halloween come early this year? I'll be Halloween.
"
224696,"I told a joke to a bunch of guys. They laughed. Now I'm going to prison. For manslaughter.
"
149109,"Females will stop speaking to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same trifling ass dude a millions times.
"
185246,"Which American president was not guilty? Lincoln, he was in a cent
"
136073,"A joke my dad said about black people! I said, Dad do you like black people? He says, """"Yeah! I think everyone should have one or two!""""
"
3777,"A British wizard walks into a gay bar... ...and disappears with a poof
"
128694,"Today I lost my virginity for a dollar I wish I didn't bend down to pick it up.
"
4415,"What's the difference between donald trump and a bucket of shit? the bucket
"
225356,"What do you call a black man on the moon? An Afronaut.
"
197200,"The Dress Joke """"Did you hear about that blue and black dress?"""" """"No, what about it?"""" """"Turns out it was white and gold."""" """"Oh thaaat one.""""
"
129671,"Why do conservative gay men vote conservatively? They want to keep the right to bear arms.
"
91294,"Where do you go if you need to weigh a whale? A whale-weigh station!
"
71567,"What do miss Frizzle and the catholic church have in common? They've both been in little boys.
"
84821,"If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
"
67021,"David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.
"
84638,"What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? (Kinda dark) One's fun to smash with a hammer, the other is a delicious snack.
"
195068,"Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
"
189652,"Earlier today at a coffee shop, I spilled my drink all over the paper I was working on. The barista looked over and said, """"Well, essay chai tea happens.""""
"
107199,"Why should you not argue with a decimal? Because decimals always have a point.
"
206464,"Who is the most cowardly knight in all the land? Sir Ender
"
164365,"How do you greet people at a funeral? Mourning, everybody!
"
107780,"What's it called when an Arabic author releases their latest novel after dinner? Post-Hummus
"
36318,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Crete ! Crete who ? Crete to see you again !
"
162693,"Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn't even have hands.
"
209695,"Guys WhatsApp status be like """"at the gym"""" since 2014.... Brother are you going to fight Brock Lesnar or just trying to get 12 pack??!!!
"
22196,"Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. You know who you are.
"
77012,"A guy gans into the butcher's... ... and says """"Gie us a steak and kidley pie."""" So the butcher laughs and goes """"You just said kidley."""" And the goes """"Naw, I didley.""""
"
82261,"I've lost so many friends to babies.
"
47304,"What is a rednecks favorite pie during the holidays? Pump-Kin
"
1012,"Ate a salad for lunch so basically I didn't eat lunch.
"
95873,"What is your favorite joke about women? Q: Why don't women wear watches? A: Because there is a clock on the stove.
"
31181,"Your check a$$hole light is on.
"
92792,"Don't cry because it's over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
"
136085,"Wanna know how easy it is to sleep with a fat chick? Piece of cake
"
45372,"When/If Scotland becomes independent, what will the national currency be called? Doesn't matter, you won't be able to pry it out of the cheap bastards' hands anyway.
"
227929,"When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they're like """"I'm lactose intolerant.""""
"
20939,"When I went away for a lengthy business trip my wife and kids threw a big party... According to the email.
"
170100,"A boy asks his father, """"Where's the big storm going?"""" The father replies, """"Miami."""" The son says, """"Is your Ami going to be ok?""""
"
119770,"Best politically incorrect joke you have heard ?
"
101764,"Q: How many programmers does it take to  screw in a light bulb?  A: None that's a hardware problem.
"
171380,"I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games
"
205448,"Q: How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. Each lightbulb contains the means of its own revolution.
"
146952,"""""son, I've had to throw my golf socks out"""" """"Why dad? cos you got... A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA"""" """"No son. I killed a man. They're covered in blood""""
"
51951,"What do you call an asian walking a dog? A vegetarian.
"
7077,"If 4 people have sex is called a four-some 3 people have sex is a three-some and 2 people have sex is a two-some Now you know why they call me handsome
"
141637,"What's Rectangle, red and bad for your teeth? A Brick!
"
122560,"Donald Trump has banned shredded cheese. He's going to make America grate again.
"
59694,"What do you call it when water is poured over a clock? Time dilution.
"
22046,"what did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look i'm changing
"
129921,"What is Jojo's Favorite Pokemon Game? Pokemon ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS ORAS
"
131987,"What are the aardvark's favorite Beatle's songs? It's Been an Aards Day's Night and I Want to Hold Your Ant!
"
168105,"3yo just yelled """"face-five!"""" & slapped his brother in the face. I'm totally using that at work tomorrow.
"
34235,"My wife gets really annoyed when I make sexual requests. The other night, I asked her if we could try the praying mantis'  position and she tore my head off
"
121857,"What's a classic Russian sci-fi film? Czar Wars
"
114050,"""""6-6x6 = ?"""" Little hint: It is not 32 Edit: It gets funnier the longer you wait
"
134646,"Here is my period story Period. End of story.
"
102668,"What do you call a cow with no legs? ....ground beef... tehe..
"
173529,"If you find something wrong with EVERY person you meet maybe it's because you haven't been introduced to yourself!
"
106681,"I got arrested for creating a youtube channel Cat videos and DIY makeup channels are the most popular on YouTube. But apparently you run into all kinds of trouble when you combine the two.
"
201783,"I used to have a student who suffered from suicidal thoughts but now I don't.
"
125103,"What did a young Pink Panther sing when he was playing with his magnifying glass in the back yard? Dead ant; dead ant; dead ant dead ant dead ant...
"
166715,"Today at the bank, a little old lady asked me to help check her balance. So, I pushed her over.
"
119654,"What do you get when you run over geese? Goose bumps
"
210801,"Donald trump wants to run for president, Why not? Wouldn't be the first time he's pushed a black family out of their home. (Snoop Dogg - /u/Here_Comes_The_King )
"
184345,"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer
"
180825,"Ironically Caps 'Lock' is a 'Key'.
"
112714,"Why can't Jesus play Football? He has flashbacks every time he looks at the goal
"
19688,"[gets down on 1 knee] Babe will you-- """"Yeah... Here it is"""" [she lends me her phone charger] Thanks
"
185897,"How is /r/jokes like the green movement? Reuse and Recycle
"
107631,"What did batman say to robin before robin got in the car? get in the car
"
197961,"I met this girl at the library... She was really smart! Almost as brainy as Kurt Cobain's ceiling.
"
20850,"[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar] give me another """"haven't u had enough?"""" i'll tell u when i've had enough! *bartender hands me another kitten*
"
210119,"Pokemon Go is just like Grindr... but for kids. And you try and catch Pokemon instead of catching AIDS.
"
88123,"I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
"
49128,"A man walks into a bar and is immediately disqualified from the Limbo World Championships.
"
151637,"For my niece's 7th birthday, I'm filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I'm gonna yell """"Oh God! She was pregnant!""""
"
116374,"If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.
"
13220,"Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
"
40625,"So it is my anniversary I couldn't think of what to get her... But I finally settled on a plunger, because bitches love bringing up old shit
"
229330,"What famous pig actor made a movie about  Frankenswine? Boaris Karloff.
"
171793,"What is ET short for? He's got little legs.
"
181097,"What's Irish and sits outside? Patio Furniture
"
21251,"""""You're not the pizza guy."""" Bin Laden's last words.
"
215032,"What does a prostitute and a bungee jump have in common? They both cost a lot, last 5 seconds, and if the rubber splits you're fucked.
"
103290,"5yo: I dropped my damn spoon! Me: Don't be using that word! 5yo: Is it a bad word? Me: It is.. 5yo: Ok..I dropped my damn """"food scooper""""?
"
126210,"Why did OP's mom leave the prostitution business? It got too gonor-real
"
79561,"Quasimodo is running down the street with a bunch of kids chasing him. """"Fuck off, i haven't got your ball!""""
"
182918,"[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks] """"Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat""""
"
134020,"Did you hear about the new condoms for frogs? They're rrrrribbet for her pleasure!
"
37908,"What has four legs, two humps, and is given a copy of Metal Gear Solid for their computer? Revolver Camelot!
"
142744,"Playing that 'Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?' song on your iPhone, full blast while entering a public toilet stall, feels pretty good.
"
5896,"my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
"
131854,"Financial status: Googling """"sell kidney""""
"
22692,"Confusious say """"Man who eat many prunes sit on toilet many moons.""""
"
50636,"A Trump supporter asked an opponent what the candidate should do for the American taxpayer. The opponent laughed and said, """"How about becoming one himself?""""
"
146506,"Who's a good example of a Swedish Spaniard? Per Ejemplo.
"
22333,"Number one handheld A recent survey indicated that smartphone is the number 1 handheld device.. Penis has slipped to number 2..
"
123243,"Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? It heard the ref was blowing fowls.
"
43753,"What is a downies favourite song? Hot potato. Hot potato.
"
92262,"My Dad died recently, but unfortunately I slept in and missed the funeral I guess I'm not a mourning person
"
190275,"What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit? Can't- elope!
"
19926,"There would be no evil in the word..... if Satan had life alert.
"
160991,"Drug dealing is a great occupation because if it doesn't work out, you can always tutor children in fractions.
"
141433,"What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke
"
15381,"Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, """"Bang!""""
"
64450,"""""Oh I'll be your relationship status alright..."""" -me sleeping outside this Taco Bell
"
153822,"What's does a photon and Donald Trump have in common? Both full of energy and momentum, both lacking substance.
"
7435,"What do we want? Race-car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww!
"
155449,"Did anyone else see that episode of Scooby Doo where they unmask the villain only to find out it was someone else all along?
"
21972,"I've made 20,000 tweets. And I've never tried to sell you anything except the idea that tampon jokes are funny.
"
57902,"What type of lettuce do they serve on the titanic? Iceberg :D
"
199761,"[showing colleague a pic on phone] """"NO! Don't scroll left!"""" My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
"
146335,"How do you endanger the fly species? Slap an African child.
"
183686,"Bad news from the doctor... Men: Doctor, how is my mother in law? Doctor: I have some bad news. Men: We can take her home, right? Doctor: Yes
"
185182,"What do you call an easy lifestyle revolving around eating Chinese food? Lo Meintenance
"
9947,"Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You're welcome!
"
229703,"My mate got busted stealing a calendar the other day. He got 12 months.
"
37259,"What's a 69er got in common with the mafia ? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
"
208156,"what do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A-Flat-Minor
"
57331,"Top 3 situations that require witnesses:1) Crimes2) Accidents 3) MarriagesNeed I say more?
"
139524,"What do you call it when a king rips a fart?.. Air to the throne.
"
230159,"How do you use calculus in real life? You integrate it
"
187143,"Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God's plan. God must not like her very much.
"
95805,"""""I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!"""" - said no one ever.
"
58573,"What is Beethoven's favorite food? Ba-Na-Na-NAAAAAAAAAAAA
"
4407,"What do you call corn with a sense of humor? Laughing stalk
"
169603,"Where do angles go for fun on the weekends? To watch movies in the THETA
"
192353,"Instagram makes me feel like the world's only employed person.
"
187061,"""""We don't serve time travelers..!"""" A time traveler walks into a bar
"
189592,"Prison guard is a pretty good job. Who's going to steal a prison.
"
167814,"My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it's too snowy to drive. SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
"
140925,"My grocery list tells the story: limes, beer, TP, creamer, donuts, batteries, excedrin, a life.
"
120762,"Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her car? She burned her mouth on the exhaust.
"
27223,"Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
"
197525,"How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood? The Blacks get car insurance.
"
38338,"How do pirates know that they exist? They think, therefore they arrrr
"
87757,"You know you're drunk when the cat barks.
"
197147,"I was doing a crossword and asked my Jamaican friend for help I asked him, """"Hey, what's a 10 letter word for colossal or huge?"""" He said, """"Monumental!"""" I replied, """"No, I'm not.""""
"
128941,"Why are orphans bad at baseball? Because they can never find home
"
211583,"Apart from the name, what similarities do pencil rubbers and rubber johnnys share? They both erase mistakes.
"
157166,"Marijuana is the gateway drug to taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.
"
208130,"Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonald's; Not funny, grow up.
"
203434,"The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
"
91210,"I saw my friend's girl sleeping with another man in the army but didn't tell him... It was a private affair.
"
112391,"I met a deaf gynecologist today.. Apparently, he reads lips. (Obligatory: posted this in /r/dadjokes, thought this sub might like it as well.)
"
160083,"If time is money are ATM's time machines?
"
207410,"America elected Donald Trump And we're going toupee for it
"
119767,"At a family gathering of Rednecks, NEVER say """"come at me bro""""
"
93045,"What do you get when you cross a duck and a cat? A Chinese restaurant's newest entree!
"
57119,"What did the Russian athlete say when he was stung by a mosquito during the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro? zika blyat
"
32766,"My Mexican friend told me this one. Whats an owl say? Quien?
"
116282,"Jack and Jill went up a hill each with a buck and a quarter.. Jill came down with two fifty.. That fucking whore. ( The Dice Man )
"
79758,"How did the hacker kill himself? Overddos.
"
174839,"Where does Google and Apple get their weather information? The Cloud.
"
151448,"What do you call a cross between a gorilla and a monkey? A cross.
"
218420,"A MEXICAN AND A BLACK MAN JUMP OFF A ROOF. WHO LANDS FIRST? A: WHO CARES
"
149625,"Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
"
113026,"Why did the chicken limp across the road? Because it was a lame joke.
"
184436,"children are cool because they're the perfect height for me to fart directly into their mouths without having to really exert myself
"
23987,"What's the most confusing day in a Mormon home? Mother's Day.
"
139467,"""""I'm so wet!"""" she screamed at me. """"I'm so fucking wet!"""" she screamed at the top of her lungs. """"Give it to me, now!"""" She could yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.
"
156004,"Where is the gangster egg from? The Upper Sunny-Side
"
197657,"I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people. It's a lot to digest
"
229899,"What do you call a security guard in a jumping castle? A Bouncer
"
213405,"Age is just a number. (That roughly indicates how close you are to menopausing/getting super ugly/dying)
"
191954,"My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting """"LOL"""" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
"
147856,"Son: Mom! What's a gf? Mom: if you're a good boy, you'll get one when you're older. Son: What is I'm not a good boy? Mom: You'll get many.
"
148709,"I'm having one of those off days For example, this morning, I made a bowl of cereal, but instead of putting the milk back in the fridge and the cereal back in the pantry, I fucked my neighbors wife
"
214367,"I just watched two mice screwing in a lightbulb But for the life of me, I can't figure out how they got in there.
"
35331,"I'm not fucking stupid. I mean, I was, but we broke up.
"
217202,"What do you call a baby born at 4 months gestation? Doesn't matter, still born.
"
74165,"60% of my day is spent quickly closing non work-related browser windows when my boss walks by.
"
60252,"What happens to a drunk vampire? They get a fangover.
"
127077,"[Olympic Swimming] CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they're kicking it.
"
143746,"My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn't want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
"
59738,"Back in Homer's time it was thought that ingesting small burrowing mammals would cure you of any injury. When the prince of Troy was shot with an arrow the doctor prescribed Paris eat a mole.
"
204348,"Beginning Magic by Beatrix Star
"
137934,"Blind people of reddit. See what I did there?
"
35274,"So the waiter said """"The plate is hot"""" and I said """"I'll be the judge of that, haha."""" Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
"
57300,"Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they
"
120112,"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday I'll tell you what, never again
"
187795,"How do you agitate an achy feminist runner? massage a knee
"
41405,"I'm not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
"
140783,"Why did the zookeeper take a piss on the seel? He couldn't hold it.
"
42263,"What do you call a fish poop born out of wedlock? A bass-turd
"
189568,"A seal walks into a bar The bartender says, """"What'll it be?"""" The seal says, """"Anything but a Canadian Club.""""
"
65672,"Why is it good for a mason to live in constant fear? That way he just shits bricks.
"
88674,"If my neighbors are gonna get angry every time I see them... why did I even buy the binoculars?
"
162469,"What was the ancient language Link needed a book to translate in """"A Link to the Past""""? Hyruleglyphics.
"
171666,"Oral relief 'Darling, I want some.... Oral relief.'    'You mean you want a blowjob?'      'No, I just want you to shut up.'
"
224473,"I figured out the solution to iceis We just kick them under the fridge.
"
204839,"What do you call an STI in your nose? Sniff-illis
"
3700,"China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.
"
56576,"Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can't help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
"
136748,"Date: so what do you do Me: i build dog houses Date: oh you're an """"arf""""itect lol Me: haha good one Date: Me: (under breath) it's """"bark""""itect
"
67759,"What's a Porn Star's favorite spell? Expecto Erection
"
133070,"What makes a juice joke so funny? The punchline
"
198793,"Hey girl, are you the final scene in the Sopranos? Because
"
101397,"There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe, call in sick tomorrow.
"
215225,"A Jewish girl asks her father for $50 """"$40 dollars!"""" he says, """"Why do you need $30?!"""".
"
79865,"I need to take a new default picture but i'm nowhere near a bathroom mirror.
"
32854,"It's the worst night of the year for my dog and cat... Their names are Pots and Pans.
"
174291,"Q: Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes? A: He wanted to go bear foot.
"
34635,"Last night, my Chevy was bitten by a vampire. Now it's Vlad the Impala.
"
206529,"Thank goodness for wide, paved road shoulders that important people like me are entitled to use during traffic jams.
"
29013,"What do you call a cheap circumcision? A total rip off.
"
136082,"Whats black and hurts when you get it thrown in your face? A Piano.
"
231439,"A fat man complained to a doctor that obesity runs in the family The doctor replied: It's not obesity that runs in the family, it's that no one runs in your family.
"
20258,"What is a gay guys favorite search engine? Bing Bing
"
131209,"What do you call a prison for gays? Prism
"
1733,"The next iPhone won't be a failure In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.
"
96824,"Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland The barman says """"Not Yewtree again""""
"
18479,"7 has started saying """"your life just got better,"""" whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid's strong-suit.
"
179994,"If life gives you melons you're probably dyslexic
"
14738,"I'm in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they're both on their way to tell my husbands.
"
154148,"*walking into our new house* ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home? HER: *giggling* OK *later, flinging holy water* ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
"
126419,"Two condoms walk into a gay bar. One condom says to the other """"hey man, let's get shitfaced.""""
"
6162,"Where do stoners keep their money? In a joint account
"
92179,"Are we Thor yet? Are we Thor yet? Are we Thor yet? Are we Thor yet? - How to annoy an Avenger when you're on a road trip.
"
59622,"Did you hear about the musician who couldn't even pay to be in tune? He was only a few cents off.
"
23505,"French People and France When god created France it was beautiful, and great. The rest of the world was so jeaulous...so to make it equal god created French People.
"
186493,"Did you guys hear Adele might have cancer? It's not confirmed, but tumor has it
"
32818,"thought being on acid at ikea would be scary but it was fine and i told people who walked the wrong way """"there are arrows here to guide you""""
"
112796,"The definition of passive aggressive is a girl tagging you in a FB photo where she looks good & you look like a bucket of shit.
"
73,"""""You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this"""" -Guy who invented shovels
"
179003,"I'm about to watch 'Funny or Die' on HBO. Wow. Now I'm nervous.. I hope I laugh..
"
133324,"These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us, who fought for, and won, the right to party.
"
87182,"If Bruce Jenner is a woman then Eminem is black. Since when does having boobs make you a woman? If that was the case all women that lost their boobs to breast cancer are now dudes.
"
36673,"I'm not popular, but I have nice friends. I'm not rich but I have what I need. I may not be liked but I know I'm loved.
"
190223,"8 hrs sleep: So refreshed 6 hrs: Feeling fine 4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression 2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
"
2197,"What smells worse than an anchovy? An anchovy's cunt
"
137885,"Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It's so fun to watch them freak out!
"
10779,"Jokes about stuttering are a big big no no
"
192226,"What is black and yellow and buzzes along at  30000 feet ? A bee is an aeroplane !
"
203281,"What did one volcano call the other volcano? An Ash-hole.
"
90909,"Q: Why do rugby fans eat up the sport? A: Because it is 'scrum'-ptious.
"
65897,"[counseling] She gets angry a lot """"He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere"""" YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
"
46344,"Okay R/Jokes, what's your rawest most brutal joke?
"
23552,"Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash. Mind if we shared a cab home?
"
52384,"I heard that my old neighbour forgot about his dementia. He's alright now.
"
185351,"A teacher, in an attempt to get more enthusiasm from her students, asked them to write a summary of a baseball game. Within minutes, the first one was handed in. It read, """"Rain. No game today.""""
"
63119,"When I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality. ` And then I wait for the next bus.
"
222380,"You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he's talking about.
"
223644,"Today I saw a poor, old woman trip and fall. At least, I assume she was poor. She only had $4.75 in her purse.
"
129211,"/r/LatvianJokes, you are Subreddit of the Day! Congratulations! Is only joke. Is actually secret police.
"
80327,"Why do Jewish people have big noses Because air is free
"
37178,"I like my women like I like my coffee... With no pubes.
"
19333,"what's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger.
"
169817,"The only sex a priest got on Friday... Was nun!
"
60945,"Doritos - my own personal love triangles.
"
116318,"What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? A boy scout comes home from camp
"
169562,"it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk
"
24098,"[Starwars] How can you tell Luke is Uncircumcised? Because he has Force Kin.
"
185819,"I think I made a good joke Donald Trump
"
199983,"How are skinny jeans like a small mansion? They have no ball room.
"
178029,"How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? The question is irrelevant, because as soon as the first angel steps onto the head, the tip will rub against the ground, making it pointless.
"
18199,"Offensive Jokes these are the worst jokes ever be warned
"
645,"What is Moby Dicks dad's name? Poppa Boner
"
197661,"What's the worst thing about Fridays? Realizing it's only Tuesday.
"
192766,"Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time? Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.
"
33364,"Eating pistachios is like picking up girls You always go for the easiest ones to crack first.
"
84056,"why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? to get to the same side.
"
225978,"It's a shame Jerry Hall never got it on with Vidal Sassoon Then she'd have completed rock, paper and scissors.
"
5862,"I have an old resolution 640x480
"
190498,"Whenever I have doubts as to my race, I just scrunch up a piece of paper & shoot at a waste basket... Anyway, today! I am definitely white.
"
81628,"It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards. Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.
"
132620,"I'm so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
"
164601,"I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
"
57018,"q: what's black and would kill you if it jumped on you out of a tree? a: a grand piano
"
138288,"WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP MIDWIFE: The baby's WIFE: NO, THE NOISE ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?
"
209455,"The first year I didn't eat Thanksgiving leftovers on the day after. I quit cold turkey.
"
43466,"Every day the cat climbs a six-foot glass-block wall and watches my wife shower. She thinks it's cute. I do it once and I'm creepy.
"
191761,"I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
"
125598,"According to an old Irish saying... Summer is the best day of the year
"
34670,"Don't you hate when you're at the mall and there's a kid that just won't shut up. You're like, """"SHHH!"""" And he's all, """"STRANGER! DANGER!
"
72870,"What do elephants say as a compliment ? You look elephantastic !
"
105436,"I masturbate with my pinkie finger pointed straight out. That way if anyone ever walks in on me, I'll still look all classy and shit
"
37362,"What is the difference between Susan Boyle and a aircondtioner? An aircondtior can be hot
"
27786,"Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.
"
59415,"Teacher: If you have five haystacks in one corner five in another and two in another how many would you have ? Pupil: One big haystack !
"
190850,"What do you call when a blonde dyes her hair brown? Artificial Intelligence
"
3252,"Why did Hitler kill himself? He finally got the gas bill.
"
55686,"Old joke for Halloween. Why do witches not wear panties? For better grip on the broom
"
3947,"Fewer US schools are selling candy, soda and chips to students After all, that stuff is horrible for pregnancies!
"
55287,"I'm gonna name my firstborn """"arial"""" and people will be like """"oh like the mermaid"""" and i'll say """"no like the font""""
"
97841,"You need an Arc? I Noah guy.
"
29136,"What's that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
"
184677,"You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
"
164590,"What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails
"
209852,"I don't want to seem desperate, so I always wait at least 3 days before I call 911.
"
9142,"What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper
"
44854,"Whisper """"whey protein"""" into a mirror three times if you want a straight white man to come out of it and talk at you
"
201668,"If Batman left church early... Would it be a Christian Bale?
"
201093,"So far, I've gotten away with passing as an adult again today.
"
120015,"Old English Churches by Beverley Minster
"
110086,"A boy and his mother passed a cemetery. The boy saw a gravestone read 'Here lies an honest lawyer'. He said to his mother """"I thought Gandhi was cremated.""""
"
188952,"Why German Loves Americans why do Germans love Americans? because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.
"
72775,"This bloke at uni today told me he had 90 degrees... I said 90 degrees how is that even possible? He said you just need to look at uni from the right angle
"
121643,"It sucks when an album has a real chill sad song and you're like oh yeahh and then the next song is crazy loud it makes me wanna eat knives.
"
13619,"How to fall down stairs: Step 1: Step 2: Step 3: Step 4: Step 5: Step 6: Step 7: Step 8: Step 9: Step 10: Step 11: Step 12: Step 13: Step 14: Step 15: Step 16: Step 17: Step 18: Step 19: Step 20:
"
164783,"How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends on how hard you throw them
"
150691,"So if Lucy died 3.2 million years ago after falling from a tree... ...does that qualify her for a Darwin award?
"
155739,"So I was driving Sasha Grey to a porno shoot and I asked her where I should park She said right in the g-spot
"
8921,"Your restraining order says NO But your lazy eye says.......maybe later.
"
176695,"YO' MAMA IS SO FAT... SIZES Yo' Mama is so fat, she buys clothes in three sizes: large, extra large, and """"Oh my God, it's coming towards us!""""
"
86414,"Who do you call when a sleepwalker injures himself? The somnambulance.
"
141735,"A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three He says, """"uno, dos..."""" *poof* and he disappeared without a tres.
"
34624,"The man who invented auto-correct has died. May he restaurant in piece.
"
204160,"Him: What are you doing? Me: Tweeting. Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time. Me: *stare* Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
"
197388,"I have an Asian cat. Her name is Mi Yao.
"
56159,"My neighbor just gave us a brand new dining set! I guess he was feeling particularly chairitable today.
"
91851,"My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike .. my dad was holding me from behind ..
"
146716,"Excuse miss can you tell me does this rag smell like chloroform?
"
17090,"My friend told me this one. 18+ inside, nsfw. 19
"
30145,"Everyone working at a bank looks like if you said """"Marry me and I'll take you away from all this,"""" they'd instantly scream """"Yes!""""
"
66266,"Chuck Norris tries this at home.
"
21991,"It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling """"Release the Kraken!!"""" right before I do it.
"
106370,"Eventually you're going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities
"
39022,"Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It's called science. Maybe you'd know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
"
109938,"How does a Russian count '1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi...'? 1 CCCP, 2 CCCP, 3 CCCP... I^will^see^myself^out
"
216805,"Lemonade Stand At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
"
167118,"Why did the bird go to the restaurant? Tweet!
"
134992,"Britain just left the EU! But they'll be alright... After all, you always lose a few pounds after a break up.
"
135953,"After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black... ...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief
"
84117,"Why did the chicken cross the road? He wanted to go to the other side.
"
194744,"Clearly the people that design refrigerators don't know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
"
194032,"I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle. He said it was the most violent thing he ever read.
"
76807,"My throat has been sore ever since I ate that tin of beef. I think it felt a little horse. Thank you. Tip your waitress.
"
166577,"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
"
116238,"whats red and bangs on the window? A baby in the microwave
"
41266,"You know the best thing about having a penis? You get to share it with people who don't.
"
202442,"Hahahahah Wife: """"What are you doing?"""" Husband : Nothing. Wife : """"Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."""" Husband : """"I was looking for the expiration date.""""
"
198025,"I do an average of 6 things a day that will keep me out of heaven.
"
218343,"Sometimes my dog looks super fucking delicious. #AsianPeopleProblems
"
22701,"My work out class has a cancellation policy of $15 if you cancel too late. Which means I just spent $15 NOT to work out. I am my own hero.
"
129062,"Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? A: By their names.
"
18353,"Why Can't You Play UNO With Mexicans? They keep stealing the goddamn green cards.
"
157793,"I was eating a danish... http://youtu.be/b5FQKsEgLnQ
"
47270,"Did you hear about the blind circumsiser? He got the sack.
"
175080,"All You Need to Know about Explosives by  Dinah Mite
"
88708,"ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
"
155183,"Did you hear that the CEO of Under Armour got in trouble with police recently? He was caught KEVIN, PLANKING, in a restricted area!
"
221133,"My mom threw away all my Linkin Park CDs and kicked me out of the house. But in the end it doesn't even matter.
"
109441,"*In church 9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing... Me: [Whispers] So we don't fall asleep 9: oh
"
18093,"Hospitals are so shady nowadays... Even the doctors are drug dealers.
"
181435,"Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
"
3791,"What do you call a computer that can sing really well? A Dell.
"
56088,"I went to the Optometrists to buy some glasses the other day, you'll never guess who I ran into... Everyone.
"
111476,"I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids. So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.
"
15783,"What's the pirate's least favorite letter? Dear sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright...
"
194893,"I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think... Is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?
"
190428,"Having a charity event for people that struggle to orgasm Let me know if you can't come.
"
60346,"My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can't remember to flush the toilet.
"
179508,"Why did Sherlock Holmes not want a second cup of tea in the emergency room? Because it was More ER Tea.
"
124742,"What can you add to any food to make it taste better? The word """"free""""
"
84995,"How do the Lanisters make large beds? They put two twins together to make a king.
"
132859,"Your momma is so old.... she used to get off on fifty slates of grey
"
169132,"OH MY GOD THE INSPIRATIONAL TWEETS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
"
32192,"I have no problems with buying tampons... I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a """"proper"""" present. (Jimmy Carr)
"
147767,"[killer enters home in middle of night] ME: Who goes there? KILLER: Haha ME: What KILLER: Who still says """"Who goes there"""" ME: Ok laugh it up
"
127570,"Never trust an atom... They make up everything!
"
132717,"Let's spare a thought for the Malaysian business man on flight MH370..... who told his wife that he was going to China for a meeting and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment.
"
194877,"Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight... Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
"
7242,"Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would have been too farty.
"
21562,"I've only ever met white people with gluten allergies
"
192869,"What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter it wont come anyways
"
117776,"""""Oh my god,"""" said my wife, smiling, """"our boy's...kicking."""" I said, """"Yes, that's generally how football works.""""
"
202279,"How do you get jizz off a Scrabble board? Don't bother, that's 29 points right there.
"
40658,"I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.
"
146159,"When you really have to pee and there's no bathroom in sight... Urine trouble.
"
228642,"What was the lonely chemist looking for? AgF
"
226512,"Christopher walked walks in, he sits down and says... Hey. Guy. I threw a hotdog down, the highway. The hooker, was already dead.
"
98649,"What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot? A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
"
50443,"At the disco last night. They played twist. I did the twist. They played jump. I jumped. They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
"
24055,"Did you hear about the Indian who drank too much tea? He drowned in his teepee. -My Uber Driver
"
3315,"Jesus sits at his last supper *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna have to stop you right there
"
95937,"Santa came last night. Oh god.... it's everywhere :(
"
224509,"A hat and a tie are out running The tie gets tired and says he needs a break. The hat replies """"Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead.""""
"
134638,"so, history isn't that boring? The history professor asked his student Keaton, """"Have you read Marx? Keaton: """"Yes sir. I think it's from the wicker chairs.""""
"
109674,"Whenever someone says """"I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart"""", all I hear is """"I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart"""".
"
144331,"I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
"
136035,"Lonely Second Graders What do you call a second grader with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor
"
123774,"I've never been to Japan, but I've seen a bunch of emojis so I think I get the idea.
"
139697,"What do you call an angry Russian? Pissdov
"
150611,"My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
"
103142,"[watching porn] This is crazy! He delivered that pizza like half an hour ago. *cups hands over mouth* IT'S GETTING COLD! IT'S GETTING COLD!
"
64851,"A comedian committed suicide today... Took a knife straight to the jocular vein.
"
212043,"*builds time machine* *goes back in time 183 days* *earth is on the other side of the sun* *dies in space*
"
111737,"It's colder than a well digger's ass.
"
204977,"I'd be super bummed if my Prince Charming rode in on a white horse because you'd think he could at least afford a Kia
"
201995,"What's the difference between Trump and Hitler? Hitler knew when to kill himself
"
155598,"How do you call two guys on a motocycle? Fucking morons; they could have stolen two motocycles!
"
189284,"There are three types of people in the world I hate. Racists, hypocrites and niggers.
"
84918,"I'm selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.
"
132468,"My dentist took a look in my mouth and said, """"Your gums look awful. I told you to floss religiously."""" I do, I said, I floss on Christmas and Easter.
"
39155,"What happened when Dumbo went to a mindrreader? They gave him his money back.
"
211180,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Jock Barbie ...looks like Dennis Rodman
"
216213,"Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.
"
93882,"Why did the gifting company fire their last employee ? Because they got a bad wrap.
"
23838,"What's the best thing about an 8 year old in the shower?..... You can slick her hair back and make her look 6.
"
65747,"A woman who sits on a judges lap... Get's an honorable discharge.
"
37628,"What's a policeman's favorite gaming console? wii-u wii-u wii-u wii-u heh
"
78827,"Joke from my 7 year old cousin - Why did the ninja go to college? He wanted to be a ninja-neer.
"
41826,"Where do pirates go after they are thrown out of Kansas? Arkansas
"
197210,"1) Put index and thumb together. 2) Place them where nose meets forehead. 3) Close eyes. 4) Sigh. 5) Check to see if person still talking.
"
141131,"What do you call a clairvoyant dwarf that recently broke out of prison? A small medium at large. (One of my sister's favourites)
"
120305,"Husband comes home with a duck under his arm. """"Look. This is the pig I've been fucking."""" The wife says, """"That's not a pig, that's a duck."""" The husband says, """"I wasn't talking to you.""""
"
33031,"[first date] me: don't let her know you vocalise everything you think her: what? me: shit she knows
"
53864,"What do you call a Jamaican with diahorrea? *Cool Runnings*
"
179528,"A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies """"Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.""""
"
150103,"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60, she's 97 today... and we don't know where the fuck she is.
"
169415,"So, Bruce Jenner wants to become a women, eh? He's already got the driving part down. http://www.npr.org/2015/02/08/384663218/bruce-jenner-involved-in-fatal-car-crash
"
118323,"I breathed a sigh of relief when I typed the letter """"y""""... ...when I had to type """"analytics"""" into the search bar during a presentation at work.
"
158670,"How do fireflies start a race ? Ready steady glow !
"
189436,"I think my penis is sick!!! I was playing with him this morning and he threw-up in my hand.
"
126328,"A man walks into a bar. A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender looks up and shouts at him, """"Hey, where the fuck are you going with my bar stool?!""""
"
50655,"What's the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
"
98604,"Last year I turned my life around and lost over 200 lbs People ask me what's your secret? And I'm like """"It's simple, I dumped my girlfriend.""""
"
221070,"Pansexuality is the best... fuck the rest.
"
177566,"1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ... The 5 stages of buying petrol.
"
136236,"Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I've eaten 107 push-up pops.
"
10876,"My wife was excited after my vasectomy. She said it was a load off of her chest.^.(stole ^off ^imgur, ^sowwie)
"
147311,"What do you call an alligator that wears a vest? An Investigator
"
171292,"What dance do you do when summer is over? Tango (tan go).
"
79779,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Amber ! Amber who ? Amber-sting to come in !
"
104374,"Dad says he's practicing Tai Chi to learn how to align his 'Chi's Now, he says, he just needs to learn how to align his crackers, and he'll be able to make a perfect party platter.
"
228848,"I found a bunch of money I didn't know I had while cleaning for company... ...it was like Christmas.
"
223957,"My ass is one of the great wonders of the world if you're wondering when it's getting off this couch.
"
88805,"5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up! Me: What? What's wrong? 5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7.. Me: It's 4am! 5yo: I can't tell time..
"
188700,"How many babies does it take to paint a barn... ...depends on how hard you throw them
"
38079,"Answer: 9W Question: Does your name begin with a V Herr Wagner?
"
193378,"Where does a mansplainer get his water? From a well, actually.
"
87542,"Why do your in-laws become dangerous after a divorce? They become outlaws
"
62769,"Home Alone 3: Take the Hint, Kevin
"
132346,"What did one pedophile say to the other? I'll give you two fives for a ten.
"
117297,"Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
"
81841,"robbing hood http://ts2.mm.bing.net/th?&amp;id=HN.608026807890022015&amp;w=300&amp;h=300&amp;c=0&amp;pid=1.9&amp;rs=0&amp;p=0
"
175674,"What has a bottom on a top? A leg.
"
128955,"What is the primary job of an alligator? ...make allegations
"
152109,"Where is the best place to hide something? On the second page of Google search results.
"
80626,"What's the last thing you want to hear right after you get done blowing Willie Nelson? """" I ain't Willie Nelson.""""
"
97354,"One blonde says to the another: """"Hey, let's yell simultaneously! 3, 2, 1 """"SIMULTANEOUSLY!! SIMULTANEOUSLY!!!""""
"
155943,"Your son has been suspended """"for what?"""" He hit a kid who was picking on another child """"so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?""""
"
93964,"What's the difference between a concentration camp and a cancer treatment facility? Concentration camps had survivors.
"
36437,"What did the guy with 5 penises say? """"These pants fit like a glove""""
"
67718,"What do you call a cow that gives no milk? An udder failure.
"
173543,"Women are good for 70 things Cooking and 69
"
29307,"White people really do look alike, so let's fill up on teriyaki chicken samples by walking laps around the food court.
"
163777,"So in conclusion, the burglars in Home Alone 2 absolutely would have died. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk
"
136080,"Just got confessed to today... Congratulation Just!
"
114352,"I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job... after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office. No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
"
170033,"My girlfriend and I are very different but we share the same body. *Love you Rosy P.*
"
130702,"Office Theft Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word
"
227477,"Hang in there Dave At the rate that all the celebrities are dying let's hope Dave doesn't die before the years up, it'd be devastating
"
36584,"What's Grey and Comes in Quarts? An Elephant.
"
96831,"MORON joke Why did the moron think his girlfriend was into metal? He found steel wool pads in her bathroom.
"
135358,"Hey girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest
"
39518,"How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten tickles
"
123798,"What's the difference between cancer and black people? Cancer got Jobs.
"
217123,"How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!
"
46463,"Trying not to take my dog's sighing personally.
"
223351,"Who are the fastest readers of all time? 9/11 victims, they went through 87 stories in 15 seconds
"
8569,"What would you call ISIS after they've been eliminated? WASWAS.
"
169882,"I didnt just read it I Reddit
"
50285,"There sure are alot of the_Donald posts on the front page It sure makes me glad that 14 year olds can't vote.
"
108272,"What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. [Currently my 7 year old daughter's favorite joke]
"
170125,"People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
"
31164,"Why was Tigger's head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.
"
72864,"Who finds america? Funny Joke Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.
"
7220,"""""I wasn't that drunk..."""" """"Dude, you threw an Iphone in your blender and screamed 'I WANT APPLE JUICE!' """"
"
162442,"Being possessed would be cool because you could turn your head all the way around to say """"wrong hole""""
"
162690,"What did the blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic boy get for Christmas? Cancer
"
10305,"Boss: """"late again I see"""" Brain: think of a good excuse! Mouth: """"your moms late."""" Brain: wow....
"
155338,"If you can't handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don't deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
"
70934,"What's the difference between cats and dogs? Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
"
133815,"For Christmas this year, I decided to go all out and ask Santa for something black and shiny and will go 0 to 300 in 2 seconds. I got a scale.
"
94857,"What did Helen Keller say when she jumped off a cliff? Nothing, she was wearing mittens.
"
49076,"Witch: Doctor doctor I don't feel well.  Doctor: Don't worry you'll just have to go to bed for a spell.
"
42713,"Where do grasshoppers eat? At IHOP. A three-year-old made this up.
"
10152,"Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No Bell Prize.
"
203121,"Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of. Is it a virus or a free U2 album?
"
180076,"I Read Something In The Newspaper A few days ago, there was an article in the newspaper obituaries titled """"Survivor of Nazi Death Train Dies"""" ... I guess he's not a survivor anymore.
"
182643,"Did you hear about the time Orion lost an archery match? He was given a constellation prize.
"
107751,"""""One man's trash is another man's treasure"""" it's a great saying... but a terrible way to tell your kids that they're adopted.
"
19984,"Why are photographers always so depressed? Because they always focus on the negatives.
"
117919,"What do the Lannisters and Alice in Chains have in common? They pay their debts on time.
"
83284,"Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I'm saying to you.
"
59766,"Biden: I think if we just leave a small- Obama: No Biden: Just a small Mouse Trap inspired- Obama: No booby traps, Joe
"
143144,"having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
"
166570,"Don't drink and drive, might hit a bump and spill it.
"
21070,"What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with garbage bags? A Pillow Fight
"
159444,"How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, """"How many women have you slept with?"""" he proudly replied, """"Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake.""""
"
174137,"People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen
"
228520,"SON: How are monster trucks made? ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth- GF: [glares] ME: He's old enough for the facts, Jane
"
136422,"Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
"
33527,"Why don't Purdue athletes eat pickles?  They can't get their heads in the jar.
"
19116,"A good groaner What do you get when you combine an elephant and a poodle? A dead poodle, split in half.
"
112920,"This clown fad is getting out of hand.... They are even running for president of the United States.
"
110169,"sometimes i literally would stop replying to someone for a whole hour because i be googling a very specific reaction gif for the convo
"
207646,"My mother once told me to get rid of the assholes in my life She then complains that I never contact her.
"
41929,"""""Just so you know, you're coming home with me tonight."""" I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
"
48522,"""""YOLO"""" giggled the 53rd incarnation of Buddha
"
170638,"All a farmer needs to do to get a girlfriend is... ...attract her.
"
167586,"[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? """"It was Rover he w.."""" *dog makes throat slice gesture* """"It was me. I shit on the rug""""
"
138649,"I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.
"
6749,"Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
"
213460,"What's brown, squishy, and something a weak minded baby would eat weed brownies.
"
78791,"7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy? Me: 7 years 7y: how long have you got left?
"
31233,"There's nothing like shaving off your beard to remind everybody why your face needed a beard
"
10711,"Hubby's head seems like it's almost twice the size of mine. We are never having children.
"
95605,"I hope the new Royal baby girl doesn't follow in her grandmother's tire tracks .
"
210185,"""""Thanks for the clarification."""" ~ Melted butter
"
11946,"I give this cheese an """"A"""" I grated it myself
"
56846,"Penis Enlarger My wife suggested I get a penis enlarger. So I did, she's 25 and her name is Kelly.
"
55177,"If you are living your life without giving an """"f"""", You are living a li[ ]e.
"
166806,"A woman's shoes say a lot about her feelings believe it or not. For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.
"
147933,"A black guy, Chinese guy, and a Jew walk into a bar. The bartender says, """"Get the fuck out.""""
"
130192,"Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
"
221811,"I always open the bathroom door at Starbucks like I'm about to find a dead body in there.
"
87470,"What is Julian Assange's favorite vegetable? WikiLeeks.
"
70587,"My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
"
106893,"7 barges into bathroom while I'm showering, laughs & says """"I saw your peanut."""" He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
"
176335,"What did the doctor say to the Mesothelioma patient? There's not much I can do, but I'll do asbestos I can!
"
161764,"I'm against vaccination! Vaccines save lives and I'm against overpopulation!
"
65228,"What emotion does a tree feel every spring? Relief
"
119749,"The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago... on this very night
"
216830,"I swallowed a piece of string yesterday when it came out my other end it was tied in a bow I shit you not!
"
149689,"""""Can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?"""" asked Rupert. """"Okay"""" replied his father """"but don't stand too close.""""
"
164849,"I've found out recently the worst way to start a bennefit gig for abused children is with an apology
"
174777,"I go in hard and come out soft You blow me hard what am I? a stick of gum :D
"
5663,"Why doesn't Jesus participate in Battle Raps? All his comebacks take three days..
"
44554,"Offering the floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently not ok.
"
46662,"Had to go and find a stepladder yesterday. I never knew my real ladder.
"
132681,"So I poured my root beer into a square glass... now I just have beer [](http://i.imgur.com/FVEqK.jpg)
"
44889,"The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
"
34710,"BIGAMY Q: What's the downside to bigamy? A: More than one mother-in-law.
"
112079,"What was the preferred magazine of the bear that hung out behind the library? Digest Readers.
"
188752,"What happened to the man running in front of a car? He got tired. The man running behind the car -- he got exhausted.
"
143518,"Islam Is a religion of peace
"
91652,"My favourite part about the Harry Potter movies... ...is the casting.
"
75735,"All women say they just want to meet someone with a sense of humor - From what I can tell, Rich guys are fucking hilarious-
"
77732,"Patient: Doctor my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
"
53961,"What does an IT guy use for birth control? His personality.
"
1983,"As my friend confessed, """"My teenage daughter never even talks to me,"""" I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
"
52379,"I don't think any of us would have made it to a life boat on Titanic.
"
120246,"If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.
"
110474,"Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
"
137436,"What is afraid of pussy? Mice, what else?
"
150172,"How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
"
145057,"What's a Muslims favourite place to eat? Allahu Snackbar
"
107895,"Obama: joe can you please explain all the cheetos that are in the kitchen Biden: I didn't want Trump to feel- Obama: Joe, Biden: ...lonely
"
183207,"A venn diagram is a lot like two fat people sitting next to each other... There's never enough space in the middle.
"
33800,"How do you drown a hipster? In the main stream
"
206672,"What was David Bowie's last hit? Probably Morphine
"
4487,"Why should you never bring a fat person to see a dramatic movie? They will ruin the suspension.
"
57472,"What's it called when you go around looking for stuff to buy that's made in America? Antiquing.
"
62703,"I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut the f@#K-up! but the parrot was cool though!
"
173335,"[VERY RACIST-NSFW] So they get married... So a nigger and a Mexican get married, and both sets of their parents are afraid... THAT THEIR GRANDCHILDREN WILL BE TOO LAZY TO STEAL
"
80622,"Women who want to renew your wedding vows.... Why not renew the bachelorette party? You'd probably have more fun.
"
160328,"My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children's Tylenol.
"
148086,"If Hillary Clinton wins the election I am moving to Benghazi. At lest I know she will leave me alone there.
"
57395,"What's the difference between the England football team and a teabag? The teabag stays longer in the cup.
"
44466,"Why did the cloud get $10M for having a fight? He was the raining champion.
"
207689,"What's the difference between chemistry and cooking? In chemistry, you should never lick the spoon.
"
167864,"Years ago I used to do a lot of drag racing... ...buy I kept tripping in those high heels
"
101548,"Cocktail bar.. Wife went to a cocktail bar, she asked the barman for a double entendre ..,so he gave her one.
"
160205,"What's the best way to cross the border? In the trunk of a car.
"
211567,"right now mitt romney is trying to put an entire loaf of bread in his mouth
"
215945,"Salesman: This jug is genuine Indian pottery. Customer: But it says """"Made in Cleveland."""" Salesman: Haven't you ever heard of the Cleveland Indians?
"
48078,"I never shower. No hobo.
"
40271,"What do Walruses and Tupperware have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal.
"
219972,"Ice skaters... ...do it on the slide, if you know what I mean
"
93270,"Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who's late for something.
"
22017,"What's the difference between water falling from the sky and hamburgers falling from the sky? One of them is a meatier shower.
"
106371,"Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves? The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
"
63344,"[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower] """"Yo, Taylor- I'm really happy for you & I'm-a let you finish, but...""""
"
220223,"What happens to crude people? Crucified.
"
184042,"Me: (squeezing into a gown) I'm so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children? Disney Store clerk: Yes.
"
123948,"Why American Names Are Like  """"Jackson, Wilson, Markson..... Robinson, Kenson, Anderson, Davidson, Jemson, Johnson"""" Because This Is The Easy Way For Mom To Remember Who Is Whose Son.
"
69647,"Someone on the New England Patriots is getting fired Whoever forgot to deflate the 12th ball
"
201317,"[on date] Here, let me help you with your jacket! *i gently remove her jacket* This is mine now. Cya
"
112857,"We come to love not by finding a perfect person... but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
"
193478,"Why should one not talk about Titanic with a stranger? Because it can't break the ice
"
115642,"On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what's up.
"
88608,"Overheard at the coffee shop: 'i think that guy is listening to our conversation'
"
132673,"English teacher asks me, """"What's an example of pleonasm? """"Troublesome Woman""""
"
63027,"Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.
"
138293,"It should be illegal to own a bug-eyed pug and not make it wear sunglasses in public.
"
109228,"I love plants. They are the only living things that do not run away from me.
"
43711,"The weirder Rihanna's tattoos get the less I blame Chris Brown.
"
109250,"In baseball, why does it take longer to get from second to third than any other bases? Because there's a short stop in between.
"
208253,"If I had a nickel for every time my pants have fallen down from carrying around too many nickles.
"
229778,"If our feet had mouths then they'd be walkie talkies.
"
124884,"What do you call a Native American girl that is really good with directions? A Navajo.
"
193015,"Why did the boy stare at his orange juice for so long? Because it said, Concentrate.
"
52288,"What do you suppose Ray Rice's fiance' did when he got her home from knocking her out? The dishes if she knows what's good for her!
"
106852,"The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
"
72196,"I stole a toilet seat from a police station once, and they never figured out it was me. They had nothing to go on.
"
138152,"How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don't tell anyone about it.
"
109909,"Me: A watched pot never boils. Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
"
190923,"What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog ? Chump chops !
"
213767,"Do you know what the scientific name of Viagra is? Mycoxafloppin.
"
66424,"What do frogs say? Times fun when you're having flies
"
195103,"A Limbo dancer married a Locksmith yesterday... ...the wedding was low key.
"
220900,"Have you ever opened your wallet and wondered if your dollar bills have ever been in a stripper's butt crack?
"
114661,"What can I get you to drink? """"Pepsi"""" Is Peps- Uh one moment please [In kitchen, to manager] I don't know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?
"
219646,"Did you know Stalin got hit in the groin with a potato when he was young? That's how he became a dictator.
"
218846,"Are you guys all right? Or are you all left?
"
30219,"How can you help a starving cannibal? Give them a hand !
"
14493,"As an atheist I don't receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say """"may God have mercy on your soul.""""
"
144635,"Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the  world to have? A: One that never misses a period.
"
59445,"JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses? HE-MAN: Well, I- *job interviewer's fake mustache falls off and it's Skeletor*
"
118627,"My girlfriend said she wanted to get properly measured for a new a bra... I said, """"Of course, it's not your eyeliner... You don't want to wing it.""""
"
106874,"Sorry hun, but unlike you, I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I'm more of a casino where only the lucky ones  hit the jackpot.
"
79559,"A young boy once reached out to the grab some fog but he mist.
"
194137,"Irish Car Bomb Yanks have a cocktail called an """"Irish car bomb"""", but if you stuck two flakes in an ice cream cone and called it a 9/11 they'd get offended.
"
197519,"Women would save a lot of money on beauty products if they ever realized they have a vagina.
"
103115,"If I play my cards right... I Can become a Pro pokerplayer
"
54986,"Why do pirates like TIG welding so much? Because they have a good supply of ARRgon.
"
168588,"If your girlfriend says """"my pyramid is late..."""" Know two things: 1. Your hearing is poor 2. That's not your biggest problem right now
"
71040,"Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low? General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
"
105963,"why is peter pan always in the air? Because he neverlands
"
71142,"When you whistle at a bird, it's as offensive to them as saying """"ching chong ding dong"""" to a Chinese person.
"
145262,"What's the difference between cowboy hats and tampons ? Cowboy hats are for assholes.
"
108392,"What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're a teen.
"
36187,"[crime scene] *detective snaps pics of murder victim* Corpse: delete it
"
133753,"Just read a book on Helium. Couldn't put it down.
"
158972,"what flavor of ice cream do you wish existed?? shaq sweat, nickelodeon slime, or maybe even dog the bounty hunter mullet flavored wow
"
111867,"Did you hear about the fight in the bathroom? Shit went down
"
153836,"Babe.. [gets down on one knee] I'm [gets down on the other knee] so [lays down on belly] tired [zzzzzzzzzz]
"
54156,"""""The garbage needs to go out. It's full of candy wrappers."""" """"Is Eminem in there?""""
"
99018,"Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing? Yeah, me neither.
"
88714,"My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick.... Especially since his name is Steve
"
164816,"I was lucky enough to meet and have an excellent conversation with the worlds leading brain surgeon. Best cab ride ever.
"
202561,"*goes 100mph in Prius *gets pulled over by police Cop: HOW
"
21462,"Happy Valentines Day. And Merry Christmas to FTD, Hallmark and Zales.
"
76443,"Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.
"
105603,"I'm proud say you will never guess who has been sober for 10 years. Ted Kennedy.
"
75028,"Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
"
205214,"what do you call a racist tampon? twatstika.
"
147570,"Some people like those European youngsters... But I prefer the euthanasia
"
89514,"Mother Teresa walks into a bar
"
63529,"What a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.
"
97442,"People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
"
156951,"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but only if the light bulb wants to change.
"
26723,"What's the worst thing about living with Alzheimer's? I forgot
"
180678,"Chelsea asks Hilary to dinner 100k for a meet-and-greet, 250 to say hello and 400,000 for dinner.
"
86053,"When I play fighting games I press random buttons and hope for the best.
"
84845,"Apparently, In Sweden parents aren't allowed to spank their kids. Like that would bother me, I don't do foreplay.
"
116912,"Oh your baby's name is Walter? Is he close to retirement?
"
109556,"Me and my girlfriend bought a copy of the Kama Sutra to spice up our love life... ... I just can't seem to fit it inside her. Shouldn't have gotten the hardcover version I guess.
"
6517,"BREAKING: Pot calls kettle """"black"""". """"Racial tension at boiling point"""" says mayor of kitchen cupboard
"
70124,"Did you hear about the boy who wanted to run away to the circus ? He ended up in a flea circus !
"
157506,"What if... Obama was secretly working for the government?
"
4365,"What's the going rate to find out a girl isn't into you? My recent observation concludes ~$140. Great weekend.
"
194334,"Its important to have a good vocabulary... If only I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.
"
231591,"After his failed Presidential run, Bernie Sanders decides to write a book and finally endorses Hillary Clinton. The Clinton Foundation bought 10 million copies in advance.
"
188478,"Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own. Then eat it in front of them.
"
43585,"whenever I think of the happy birthday song I imagine someone softly crying and singing it under their breath, blowing out a candle alone
"
189349,"What do you call a caveman that goes walkabout? A Meanderthal.
"
190608,"Why don't sheep shrink when it  rains?
"
87075,"What do they call the lower roadway of the George Washington Bridge? the lower roadway of the George Washington Bridge
"
3872,"A guy walks into a bar with a gun and shouts """"Which one of you fuckers is reposting jokes on r/jokes?"""" A voice from the back called out """"I don't think you have enough bullets m8.""""
"
179342,"Why do nice guys make good lovers? They always finish last.
"
220753,"My wife says her farts smell like flowers Cauliflowers maybe
"
125554,"What do you call a lazy sandstone? A sedentary rock.
"
18301,"Have you seen www.pitchdark.com? Yes but I really couldn't see what all the fuss is about.
"
172862,"I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say """"you're next"""". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said """"you're next
"
17384,"Watching """"Annie"""" all I could think was, """"That redhead kid is going to make a hideous adult.""""
"
190290,"What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits.
"
127216,"How does Kanye West screw in a lightbulb? He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
"
13869,"Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
"
107402,"Me: """"Hello? Yeah hi I'm calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what's her number?""""
"
54426,"[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it's the right amount.
"
5493,"What do you call a midget psychic on the run? A small medium at large.
"
165944,"Why did God create women? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
"
211234,"I'm giving away parachutes for free. No strings attached.
"
149968,"MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice  to my mother when she visits us this weekend dear. Fall down when she  hits you.
"
177007,"What should you buy if your hair falls out ? A good vacuum cleaner !
"
185683,"Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go? God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.
"
83949,"What docyou call it when a Soviet dies comedy? Stand up Commedy
"
14459,"What do redditors give one another on Christmas? Gifs.
"
132470,"I felt like I was going to be programming forever... ...so I took a `break;`
"
31884,"Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie
"
206517,"What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker? Your job still sucks
"
230452,"Why do Black people prefer big asses? Because they have a bigger machine to ride (   )
"
108780,"If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
"
125545,"Why wasn't Skrillex allowed on the fishing trip? He keeps dropping the bass
"
115884,"So a man comes into a bar... Wait, no... It was a horse. So a man comes into a horse...
"
220521,"What does ISIS want for Christmas? Turkey, apparently.
"
148651,"If I find myself at Paula Deen's house, I'll be sure to stay out of the kitchen. There's an oven in there. Jews in Stews #paulasbestdishes
"
79627,"Hate the political process, not the politicians. Nah, who the f*#k am I kidding? Hate those politicians!
"
67371,"I know that we don't all agree on our new president But at least the first lady is someone we can all get behind.
"
225855,"A man and a boy went into the woods at night... ... the boy says to the man, """"it's scary out here."""" The man then replied, """"You think you're scared, I gotta walk out of here alone!""""
"
160597,"Ladies, are you having wine? Don't be shy. Let us know about it on all of your social media websites.
"
128609,"Why if the best things in life are free the next-best things are so expensive?
"
73772,"Retarded people They shouldn't even exist
"
201745,"Husband getting dressed: Me: Purple and green don't go together. Husband: It works for the Joker. Me: My point exactly.
"
43700,"Had a girl say """"I want you to treat me like a virgin"""" So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.
"
78992,"An American and a Muslim are at a bar. Who got there first? The drone.
"
45805,"Record ice and precipitation in the northeast and I'm paranoid that the government is watching me Because I am snowed in.
"
8570,"If Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are on a boat together, and it sinks, who survives? America
"
72597,"How do you get Americans to join a World War? Tell them it's nearly finished.
"
186852,"Why did Hitler really commit suicide? He got the gas bill
"
14146,"What's the difference between light and hard? You can still fall asleep with the light on!
"
27330,"What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
"
85908,"I'm starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.
"
231397,"I was disappointed after I won the grand prize on the game show last night. It was for a year supply of calendars.
"
231566,"What I don't understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He's just a fat, lecherous crook. Wait
"
192224,"What the the electrician say to his buddy? Watts up?!
"
96366,"A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder The bartender says, """"Hey, that thing is cool - where did you get it?"""" The parrot replies, """"Africa.""""
"
131137,"Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past... One says to the other, """"I bet she was a looker in her day.""""
"
63528,"When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the """"math"""" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
"
113083,"A boy has a stunning realization and confronts his mother Boy: Mum! Why am I black and you're white? Mum: Considering all the crazy shit I've done years ago, you should be glad you aren't barking
"
99416,"What do you call a blind hooker Free
"
109148,"Yo momma so fat, the closer you get to her, the slower time passes for you in relation to an observer outside her gravitational pull.
"
65783,"What kind of parents are see-through? Transparence!
"
66951,"What's the difference between a fridge and a vagina? A fridge doesn't fart when you take out the meat.
"
181054,"I don't want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach...unless there's a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
"
13413,"Whats does dissecting a frog and explaining a joke have in common? Sure, you know how it works, but now it's dead.
"
88231,"A day without sunshine is like, night.
"
108714,"What does a colour's laugh sound like? Hue hue hue
"
100604,"What does the daddy gun have when he becomes a father? A bb gun.
"
111117,"What do you call an orgy with drummers? A gang bang.
"
167922,"Really sucks for those addicted to Apple products... ...now there is no *escape*
"
197159,"The IBS drug commercial that mentions """"urgent diarrhea"""" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had.
"
179701,"""""Money isn't everything,"""" I say, poorly.
"
61173,"What do you call a sick eagle? Illegal.
"
151738,"What's the difference between a prostitute with diarrhoea and an epileptic oyster shucker? The oyster shucker shucks between fits.
"
100639,"Uh oh. My car's GPS asked me, """"Who's Siri?""""
"
223078,"On a positive note, women with full hour glass figures don't have to wear watches.
"
186275,"Are you feeling sluggish and tired? Constantly yawning throughout your day? There's a nap for that!
"
58991,"Policeman: Are you going to a fire? Motorist: No I'm trying to prevent one. That's what my boss said  would happen if I were late again.
"
176054,"*goes to watch youtube vid* BUFFER well okay *lifts weights* *checks again* BUFFER *does steroids* BUFFER """"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME""""
"
8183,"What did the dinosaur say to the caveman? RAWR!
"
221772,"It's unfortunate when pasta night turns into a surprise family intervention.
"
191243,"My father always told me it isn't real money if you don't make it yourself..... of course that was before he got arrested for counterfeiting.
"
202040,"What's the difference between between a pizza and a black person? A Pizza can feed a family of four *Still courtesy of my Comrade Ivo*
"
197625,"''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
"
161154,"What's the difference between a high and drunk driver? The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.
"
76483,"I need to find out what my company needs to do in order to get protests by topless women.
"
108986,"What's the worst thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
"
66365,"A physicist saw a man standing on a ledge The physicist yelled out """"Don't jump, you have so much potential!""""
"
130436,"What's worse than a moron? A lessoff.
"
111361,"Women always call me ugly,until they find out how much money I make Then,they call me ugly and poor
"
157405,"Why was the tea so obstinate? Because it was steeped in tradition.
"
7629,"What is the difference between peanut butter and a blonde? The blonde is easier to spread!
"
69802,"One direction splitting up? My daughter just announced to me she is in d-Niall :-)
"
164181,"What's yellow and goes around? A banana in the washing machine.
"
142923,"Racecar spelt backwards is still racecar But racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died
"
227533,"Duck Jokes What do you call a duck addicted to crack? A quack head. What is a ducks favorite snack? Quackers. Why couldn't the duck drive his car? His windshield was quacked.
"
9205,"My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.
"
14502,"My teacher dropped the most dad like joke to me today Me: """"Hey can I go to the bathroom?"""" Him: """"I sure hope so."""" With the biggest proudest smile on his face.
"
155520,"What's a hipster's favorite painkiller? It's a local anthesisia anesthesia, you've probably never heard of it.
"
174598,"Pick a number, double it, add 10, divide it by 2, then minus it by the number you started with. LIKE if you got 5.
"
59949,"Did you hear about a Russian-speaking Indian? He worships a moss cow
"
46133,"What's the smallest instrument in the world? An e-lectron.
"
46784,"My friend entred me in a double-entendre competition That's it.
"
165822,"What would you call Macaulay Culkin if he was black? Homie alone
"
119967,"I tried to propose to my girlfriend from Thailand today but it went wrong. As soon as i got down on one knee she started undoing her skirt
"
2025,"Putting the dog down today. Gonna start by telling him he has a big nose.
"
25661,"I just got a Facebook invite to my brother's non-alcoholic Mormon wedding. I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
"
106931,"I like my women like I like my coffee. I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.
"
54734,"Only a woman can make you a millionaire if you are a billionaire.
"
104826,"My wife said to me, """"Would you rather have sex with Angelina Jolie or Mila Kunis?"""" I said, """"Yes.""""
"
124550,"Me:""""If you ever give me another gift with 'some assembly required', you're dead to us."""" 6:*writing thank you card* But, um.. Me: Write it!
"
60857,"Today my friend accused me of being condescending. It's ridiculous, I don't even think he knows what that word means.
"
107082,"I'm a bad person... (NSFW) Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
"
210485,"If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist black people would rob me
"
204863,"I Like my Women How I Like my Coffee Hot, wet, and wakes you up in the morning.
"
140865,"I can speak more than one vagina I'm bicunnilingual
"
58966,"So a lady walks into a bar and orders a double entendre... ...and the bartender gives it to her.
"
225702,"Sometimes I open my mouth and a dad joke falls out and we both just need to walk away from that and remember better times ok
"
151228,"I was flipping through the Victoria's Secret catalogue and now I have a craving for ribs.
"
6245,"Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU Me: wow your hands are so soft Murderer: omg really Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use
"
129197,"My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful Well they do say that love is blind !
"
191569,"Bully For You Q: Why did the bully go to beauty school? A: She wanted to tease hair
"
82378,"A whale performs a La Roux cover...... """"Mmmmmmmmmm.......I'm goin' in for the krill""""
"
18339,"i gave my girlfreind my nine inch nail... and we got closer.
"
113358,"A photon both raises his hand and shouts """"Goodbye!"""" It's a wave and a parting call.
"
50721,"Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $47! -Attorneys
"
54589,"What are the two saddest words of the English Language? 'What party? '
"
99166,"So a Harley Davidson rolls into a bar and the bartender asks what it'd like. RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM
"
134162,"[Interview with a time traveller] """"What's life like in the year 3000?"""" It's pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
"
3393,"*at an AA meeting* """"Hi, I'm Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol."""" *gets aggressively escorted out*
"
93405,"My parents taught me that if I tried hard I could be anything I wanted to be. Sure they just meant for Halloween, but it was still nice.
"
167333,"What happened when the cannibal showed up to the buffet late? They gave him the cold shoulder.
"
166411,"Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition* Cro-magnon woman: """"I have a boyfriend.""""
"
122798,"How does R.Kelly end a joke? Ba dum *piss*
"
27683,"""""I've been trying to recapture my lost youth... I really need to get that cellar door fixed."""" ^^^^^^. ^^^^^^^. Gary Delaney.
"
33512,"Girl: I think we should just be friends Me: ya okay, but I get to be Chandler!
"
217161,"You can call me xenophobic... But I think the United Nations has too many foreigners.
"
188140,"Since we seem to be terrified of homosexuals, it would seem that the key to conquering America would be to attack us with an all-Gay army.
"
114602,"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one but the light bulb really has to want to change.
"
221408,"What did the cannibal ask for at the cruiseline buffet? The passenger list.
"
213397,"Ten things only 90s people remember: 1. 1990 2. 1991 3. 1992 4. 1993 5. 1994 6. 1995 7. 1996 8. 1997 9. 1998 10. That sound the modems made
"
198689,"After seeing the disaproval of gay Jokes I might as well say that handicap jokes are also horrible and rude. I just can't stand them.
"
10709,"Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
"
97235,"What do you get when you cross The Atlantic with The Titanic? About halfway.
"
163600,"A guy drove his expensive car into a tree... That's when he learned how the Mercedes bends
"
196268,"Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
"
169708,"Reddit, what is your best one-two line joke? I heard one recently, what do you get when you put TNT in a bra? Tit bits.
"
33580,"Why do people call memes """"dank""""? Because they release dopameme!
"
187351,"Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii? """"Aloha Ackbar"""" doesn't go over well at the airport
"
104565,"What do you get when you squeeze a synagogue? Fresh Jews.
"
106030,"What take out food should you avoid at all costs in Hospital? Donor Kebab
"
24406,"[Getting waterboarded] """"Um, sir the subject isn't responding to interrogation, he's just getting bigger"""" [Me, a sponge] """"MwahahaHAHAHAA""""
"
131284,"A blind man walks into a bar... And a table. And a chair.
"
187405,"Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
"
185096,"Did you hear The Fonz wrote an erotic novel? It's called 50 Shades of Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
"
136247,"Yo Mama is so fat...when she took her shirt  off at the strip clubeveryone thought she was Jabba The Hut from Star Wars
"
190443,"Why did the Tinman not go to the ball? His heart wasn't in it.
"
167452,"I was looking at the fruit in the bowl, thinking... How the fuck did I end up with a gay goldfish...
"
86765,"What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
"
154095,"What's a difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs
"
91982,"*steps on Lego* *stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos* *throws all Legos away* *Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
"
22867,"Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet :(
"
209487,"Wasn't wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy's gym bag. How's your night going?!
"
43121,"Why did the plumber kill himself? He was sewericidal.
"
2904,"What is Carroll Shelby's favorite food? A torque-y sandwich.
"
194153,"How long does it take for a black woman to take out the trash? 9 months.
"
180862,"Someone told me a story of a mountain climber... It ended with a cliffhanger.
"
228148,"What's the difference between your mom and a bowling ball? Your mom can't fit in a bowling ball.
"
134212,"Five second rule? Pfft. What's the point of having an immune system if you're not going to use it?
"
42963,"Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.
"
230776,"I had intimate contact with Jesus... ...in a Mexican jail cell.
"
116490,"Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude's been doing to his hair.
"
185006,"What is the hardest part of eating vegetables? Their wheelchairs
"
40669,"Why couldn't I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
"
26475,"He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He's a serial killer named Terrence Fishman & he plans to kill you Monday
"
216955,"How do you make an elephant float? A can of coke, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and an elephant.
"
86179,"Why can't Sluts Count to 70? Because 69's a mouthful!
"
200134,"I understand if you aren't religious, I respect that. But you don't have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
"
103289,"What do you call over the counter Viagra? Mycoxafloppin
"
22109,"The industrious prostitute Well there was this prostitute who had a vagina surgically implanted in her hip...so she could make some money on the side.
"
97071,"Never pretend to be something you're not. Unless you're pretending to be sober, in which case that's probably a good idea. Keep doing that.
"
150560,"Boss: What's your five-year goal? Me: Paid administrative leave.
"
126396,"C-3PO Papa, when C-3PO is naked, he is see-through PO (My 5 1/2 y/o just came up with this. I think it's funny, for a 5 y/o :-))
"
208953,"What's the difference between my guitar and my girlfriend? My guitar doesn't yell at me when I snap it's g-string
"
138309,"What is the best place to hide a dead body? On the second page of google.
"
2804,"I'm lucky enough to be ambidextrous. It's just a shame I'm a lefty.
"
211150,"Hash browns not tags.
"
82644,"What's the longest word in the English language? Smiles. There's a mile between the s's.
"
136879,"I did it again, I put way too much hairspray on my back hair, now I can't sleep.
"
24160,"I was going to tell a dick joke... But now I can't seem to 'member it.
"
214511,"Marmite ... But paw may not.
"
40211,"I often go to fancy dress parties dressed as a shark.... Quite honestly, the novelty is wearing a little fin
"
219557,"So a horse walks into a bar... The patrons of the bar then proceed to scream in surprise because there's A FREAKING HORSE IN THE BAR.
"
156906,"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
"
157397,"I see ISIS is finally practicing Structured Programming. They're eliminating GOTOs.
"
83030,"Married for money... Jack: It's just too hot to wear clothes today, but what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn naked? Wife: That I married you for your money!
"
24928,"Why was the egg kicked out of the comedy club? Because he was telling bad yolks!
"
188392,"Please donate to my gofundme to replace the laptop i threw across the room in anger after my last gofundme failed
"
118344,"What's the longest time in which you haven't consumed alcohol? My record is 21 years.
"
18395,"If a blind girl ever tells you that you have a big cock She's probably just pulling your leg.
"
152728,"Did you hear the one about the man who got swallowed by a whale? Turns out he survived by running all the way to the end until he was all pooped out!
"
167670,"When i have sex it's a race to see who comes first ... me or the aspca
"
11293,"TIL if you buy the new MacBook Pro There is no escape.
"
203161,"How many redditors does it take to post a joke to /r/Jokes? Three. One to post it, another to post a better punchline in the comment section, and another to repost it with the new punchline.
"
159224,"Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
"
172755,"Just saw the coolest magic trick! Ticketmaster turned a $15 concert ticket into $38.95
"
22675,"I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women. There were tons of girls there, just not very many.
"
47060,"I have a kinship with a racist pumpkin. I'm Donald Trumpkin.
"
37169,"Waiter there's a fly in my soup! Force of habit sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
"
227108,"I'd complain about the bathroom smelling like pine, but I'm sure it's better than whatever smell the pine is covering up.
"
195273,"I called my boss and told him """"the roads are blocked so I'll be redditing from home today""""
"
33026,"[diner] ME: I'll have the eggs, please WAITER: how would you like those? ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
"
204660,"Why did the firefly keep stealing things ? What goes """"snap crackle and pop"""" ? A firefly with a short circuit !
"
212470,"Even if God himself appeared & said """"Dude, I am real and you need to go to church today,"""" I would still be like """"Yeah it's been a long week""""
"
228274,"How do you help a Jew with ADHD? Send him to a concentration camp.
"
68307,"What is long, black and smelly? The unemployment line.
"
106756,"What is Will Smith's job ? He's a blacksmith
"
115276,"Which came first: the chicken or the egg? The rooster
"
158470,"What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
"
129955,"What's the difference between an Iraqi elementary school, and an Isis hideout? I don't know man, I just fly the drone.
"
193677,"Why was Einstein unable to build a wall? He only had Ein Stein
"
164459,"What does a waffle call his complete existential paradigm shift? His eggo death
"
67353,"I took part in an erection competition over the weekend I made it to the semi's
"
126229,"Boxers Last night as I was sitting on the edge of the bed gently pulling off my boxers, the wife said, """"You spoil those dogs!""""
"
216669,"If someone overtakes me when I'm walking, I match their speed so it looks like I've got friends.
"
220349,"Did you hear how high the offshore banker's salary is? I heard he makes boatloads.
"
97223,"Who is the Gorillas' favourite President of  recent years? Hairy Truman!
"
30483,"My girlfriend decided to quit her job at the yogurt company The truth his, she never really liked the culture
"
94379,"What was white outside and black inside? The White House.
"
123693,"What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam!
"
75407,"I had 2 big surprises today. The first one was that the Thai massage centre at the bottom of my road is actually a brothel...
"
27868,"Xperia M2 dual my sony xperia m2, hanging so much after updating this new year, even when using facebook and making a call, any one faced this problem
"
204571,"This year for Lent, I'm just giving up.
"
1052,"Another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.
"
122716,"The lesbian vampire Did you hear about the bar-hopping, lesbian vampire? Once a month, she goes to gay bars and drinks everyone under the table.
"
54365,"What's Hitler's favorite species of shark? The Great White.
"
57154,"So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
"
94650,"The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's ass.
"
108246,"I drive an Audi to compensate for my innie.
"
88412,"I went to a zoo and there was only one animal... It was a 'Shih Tzu'
"
91807,"While some guys go to the gym to clean &amp; snatch... Others go to to see lean snatch. C what I did there?
"
167204,"MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME
"
7747,"What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
"
101239,"I always get the last word in arguments with my girlfriend. I just say """"Yes ma'am""""
"
19942,"What do you call a stork that doesn't bring babies? A swallow
"
132556,"Why are women terrible drivers? Because making sandwiches behind the wheel is a lot harder than making them in the kitchen.
"
34481,"What did the little cloud say about the big cloud? I think you're condensating for something.
"
48477,"Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn't mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
"
20631,"Barakaysan la hadal sida Maalinta burcad ah!
"
228261,"Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist? A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
"
118825,"I feel sorry for the wasted sperm Some of them turn out stupid, run for President and win.
"
199534,"My stainless steel appliances double as police style fingerprinting kits.
"
84719,"Knock Knock """"Who's there?"""" """"Walter White."""" Of course.
"
121140,"Netflix has a doc called """"Fascism in Colour""""; wouldn't this be more of a """"black-and-white"""" issue?
"
215342,"I hope you won't mind if I stare toward your house at dusk in an expressionless porcelain mask.
"
74578,"Trump has a change of heart and brings Hillary to his administration As Ambassador to Libya
"
159043,"What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year.
"
221945,"The weather is so nice it makes me want to watch TV with the windows open.
"
29231,"What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common? They both contain high amounts of trans fats. Edit: Omg guys! I didn't expect this to take off this much, thanks guys!
"
186228,"USA soccer We Ghana win.
"
155468,"Getting caught I got caught jacking off at the store yesterday. But seriously, who pays for bug spray?
"
134847,"Me: Mum was I adopted? Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
"
2885,"What do gnomes fear most about Christmas? They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!
"
86857,"""""I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat"""" - me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
"
203742,"If Chef Boyardee was a dictator what would he name his secret police? Gazpacho
"
121904,"I ordered a book called """"How to relieve stress"""" My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time. And that it's useful. And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me.
"
52180,"What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
"
221724,"Did you hear about the blonde actress that stabbed her husband with a fork? Reese something... Reese Witherspoon? No with her fork!
"
76590,"the worst part about hitting a child in public... is getting caught by their parents.
"
44641,"My boss fired me because I didn't attend the meeting as I had to answer an important call. Apparently nature's call doesn't count as important to him
"
48579,"How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood? He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.
"
167604,"What do they call the 13th floor in England? The 12th floor.
"
175778,"Dear Chiquita: I have your new slogan: """"Constipated? Try a banana! Not like that, silly!""""
"
83044,"What do you call a foreigner who is obsessed with Chinese culture? A zhuologist
"
68408,"What's the powerful weapon in Greenland's arsenal? The Nuuklear Bomb
"
68645,"I tried to write with my broken pencil today it was pointless
"
12665,"Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
"
191428,"""""I bet you I can get people to buy the shirt from a game they don't even know how to play."""" -Ralph Lauren
"
191796,"The bartender fainted.
"
96088,"Few Saturdays I switch off the light and stay the whole night in darkness So that the neighbors might think that I've an active social life...
"
52266,"Waking up Is the second hardest thing in the morning.
"
50720,"What do you call a hooker who likes noodles? A Pastatute
"
75321,"I wish there were a way to find hot singles in my area.
"
120318,"In all the alternate universes, in how many is Kim Kardashian super famous and in how many did she just get fired from a Wells Fargo?
"
207135,"And the Lord said unto John.. """"Come forth and receive eternal life."""" But John came fifth and won a toaster.
"
34304,"What comes between fear and sex? Funf.
"
210111,"How do you use an african man to get people to meet your demands? You black male.
"
220942,"An astrologer asks a lady if she wanted to know her husband's future... To which she replied, """"I decide his future, tell me about his past""""
"
3238,"I once dated a dyslexic woman. I took her home and she cooked my sock.
"
227394,"What do you call someone with a spice garden on Gallifrey? A Thyme Lord.
"
226031,"So there's a child and a gorilla... Well there WAS a gorilla.
"
77129,"Yo son, do you like nachos? """"Hell yeah!"""" *son goes in for high 5* That's good, 'cause I'm nacho real dad *rejects high 5* You're adopted lol
"
92597,"I started a band called 999 Megabytes ... we haven't gotten a gig yet
"
15981,"I've drawn a cartoon picture of Mohamed and signed it Kim Jong-un. Let's see where this goes.
"
80354,"Why were people milking cow upside down? Because the system went tits-up
"
10194,"Dating Q. Why did this OkCupid user never go out on a date? A. """"I couldn't imagine a date could be interested in knowing about me more than this website""""
"
119214,"Enough with the cutesy-chubby sidekicks, 3D animation studios.
"
223263,"I saw a sign that said falling rocks So I tried it, and it doesn't.
"
36379,"Is it just me? ... or are circles pointless
"
60640,"Who won the first Tour de France? The 7th German Panzer division
"
208939,"Mr. Trump, what will you do as President? TRUMP: I'll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks Why? TRUMP: To make America grate again
"
143919,"To Hillary supporters, don't give up hope! Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison before becoming President.
"
6100,"What is the difference between Coors beer and a ... clitoris? A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
"
16994,"I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
"
68000,"Dang girl, I want to treat you like my big toe... ...and bang you on every piece of furniture in the house. (sorry if its been submitted before)
"
71533,"When is an English teacher like a judge?  When she hands out long sentences.
"
104011,"i absolutely cannot cook for shit but i was watching a child prodigy chef n was casually like """"ugh, i don't kno about that sauce""""
"
8514,"Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time? Because the signs say """"No trespassing""""
"
92689,"How You Can Draw a Muhammad Every Day Wipe!
"
190316,"I tickled my little brothers foot this morning. And my mom went crazy about it. Something about """"Waiting until he's born"""".
"
70787,"My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
"
211651,"How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
"
84314,"How do you circumsise a redneck Kick his sister's chin
"
188423,"If you care about someone, even a little bit. I beg of you. Please. TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
"
6221,"Did you hear about the Woodstock Killer? He was charged for murder within tents.
"
134583,"ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it's my cheat day CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday ME:[leans in] why don't u mind your own gd business
"
13423,"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalottapuss
"
5347,"What's the difference between a petri dish and white people? A petri dish develops a culture.
"
91349,"me: wanna hang out? southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah me:
"
222422,"Wet Astronaut The astronaut thought he was taking a pee but it turned out to be a piss-up.
"
130518,"Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?
"
86036,"""""Shoot for the moon, land among the stars"""" -dead astronaut
"
178065,"What do you call 10 politicians at the bottom of the sea? A good start.
"
186312,"Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
"
231421,"What is God's favorite guitar chord? Gsus
"
173388,"Why did Simba have trouble returning to Pride Rock? He ran into trafiki.
"
197879,"I ordered a bowl of spaghetti and found a linguine noodle at the bottom he was an impasta
"
191119,"Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want  ice cream or beer.
"
96638,"The word """"Caesar"""" has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
"
150053,"You do realize that if you save yourself for marriage, you'll only have sex like three or four times ever?
"
37230,"Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.
"
104842,"That Old Man An Old man knocked on my door and asked for the donation towards the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
"
246,"How are doctors so well tempered even under heavy stress? They have a lot of patients
"
13732,"Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say """"Sorry, I'm with a client.""""
"
144030,"What do you call a belt made of dollar bills? A waist of money.
"
96929,"How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? Ten tickles
"
25642,"Note for Santa Dear Santa, Please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.
"
93333,"Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
"
180954,"Girlfriends are like phone apps They come with in-app purchases, and need the reassurance of updates to function well.
"
33913,"I've always wanted to be a comedian... But I have a tremendous fear of being laughed at.
"
205699,"What did the grizzly bear study at college? He was an Ursa Major
"
87427,"Whats the best part about twenty-three year old's. There's twenty of them
"
39948,"What do you call a 3 humped camel? Pregnant.
"
229325,"Tribbles. [How many tribbles does it take to screw in a light bulb?](http://imgur.com/aTXIs)
"
96715,"There's a chef that doesn't bother putting gloves on before prepping his food Now he's got a lot more thyme on his hands.
"
149357,"What's the hardest part about being a Vegan who does Crossfit and owns a Rescue dog? Deciding which to tell people first.
"
29791,"What do you mean mom, how could my birth certificate be expired?
"
127596,"How do you feel when there is no coffee? Depresso.
"
59095,"How do you catch a wild bra? Set a booby trap.
"
170340,"Rio is full of liars, cheaters, thieves, and drug abusers. And that's just the athletes.
"
42847,"What's the longest word in the world? Smiles. Because there's a mile between each 'S'.
"
143575,"Why are midgets so skinny? Because they eat h*elf*ally
"
212678,"I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago. She's still answering it.
"
30595,"Did you hear about the anxious gynaecologist? ...He got in a flap.
"
88529,"if you don't have hair, will your head skin turn gray when you get old
"
208720,"I think my coworkers are gay because every time I walk by, they mumble under their breath """"what an ass!""""
"
166443,"Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
"
229385,"What do you call a discount circumcision? A rip off.
"
27408,"-What's your zodiac sign? -Tyrannosaurus. -But that's not even a real sign. -None of the zodiac signs are real.
"
80476,"What do you call an ant with frog's legs?  An antphibian.
"
61831,"hmmm this cereal is bland, tasteless, boring, flat, flavorless...*checks box* oh, Synonym Toast Crunch
"
194317,"What did the naughty rabbit leave for  Easter? Deviled eggs!
"
160381,"My wife is such an air-head I told her not to turn her head away after giving me a blowjob, but she didn't listen. It went in one ear and out the other.
"
162402,"So many fun things to say.....too many relatives on Facebook to post!!
"
22031,"Why does it take 100 mink to make a fur coat? Because they are lazy and have small hands!
"
146983,"I want to buy the most elevated premium male deer, but it doesn't need to have the highest prize stag.
"
161194,"What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days.
"
200864,"What would Forest Gump's Password be? 1Forest1
"
94995,"A voter from the 2000 election recognized me. He came up to me and said """"Hey, Chad, how's it hanging?""""
"
66615,"The AutoZone guy said my battery was out of juice but he didn't say which kind so I'm going with kiwi strawberry.
"
209367,"Other than The Aristocrats, are there any jokes where the telling of it is the joke itself?
"
37313,"I don't buy my fruit from Chris Brown... because it's always bruised!
"
152948,"What the Washington Fat Cats don't understand is that when they stopped making Doritos 3D we lost an entire dimension of flavor
"
224592,"What did one snowman say to the other? Smells like carrots!
"
22316,"Step 1) Get a job selling punctuation marks. Step 2) ?????? Step 3) Profit.
"
164640,"What's the difference between a sin and a shame? It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to take it out.
"
107484,"Don't you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That's why I do it.
"
99275,"A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack. A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said """"better put down that phone.""""
"
52801,"You hear about those robbers who steal shoes for fun? It's how they get their kicks.
"
67194,"What do you call a fish that is good for your bones? An orthopedic sturgeon. :D ?
"
175952,"Why do people find Anne Frank so attractive? Because she is smoking hot
"
217468,"If you play a Justin Bieber track backwards... ...You'll hear satanic messages. Even worse, if you play it forward, you'll hear Justin Bieber!
"
35273,"A man contemplates if it's worth masturbating now so he can last longer in bed later. It will come in handy.
"
71713,"[me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men
"
36705,"Why can't Edward leave Russia this winter? He'll be Snowden.
"
68247,"Curiosity killed the cat, and got your daughter pregnant.
"
10959,"A little alien asks his mother... """"Mommy, the kids all say we're aliens from outer space. That's not true, is it?"""" """"Vegl dibrogmrn di shtrtl mixtor!""""
"
158800,"What vegetable was on the badge in the cab? A CABBAGE!
"
34311,"Nigeria's president is up for re-election. Good luck Jonathan!
"
199660,"I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower. Exactly. I'M the idiot in a slasher film.
"
34955,"During the day I don't believe in ghosts, But at night I'm a little bit more open minded
"
205182,"A man walks into a bar. Embarrassed, he dusts himself off, then walks around it.
"
186168,"How is a speech impediment like a box of chocolates? It doesn't really matter, as long as it has good cocoa content.
"
13191,"It's gonna be a long day. I can wait to get home and curl up with a good Internet.
"
188701,"I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget's taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.
"
185907,"Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
"
107098,"A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: """"You must be single."""" The man answers: """"Wow, how did you know?"""" Cashier: """"Because you're ugly.""""
"
191468,"My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
"
100193,"Why did Uhuru get mad? Because William Shatner.
"
227864,"What do you call a Mexican church? A Taco bell.
"
85411,"The wife shares my sense of humour. She hasn't fcuking got one of her own.
"
109718,"Why do gangsters save so much money on clothes? 'Cause all their pants are half-off
"
19719,"What did Joey Ramone say to the prostitute? Hi ho, lets go.
"
213725,"How do you get an elephant into a Safeway shopping cart? You take the 'S' out of Safe, and the 'F' out of Way.
"
128570,"Looked up from a text message and thought, """"Oh shit. I'm driving.""""
"
111172,"I thought I had ADD because I have a hard time concentrating when I read books. But it turns out I'm just lazy and not very smart. Phew!
"
122061,"Would you like to know the best way to avoid drama? Just stop going to plays!
"
77569,"Today i asked my friend how hungover he was... He replied. """"Well on a scale of one to Amy Winehouse its not looking so good.""""
"
127571,"Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital... Proving once again that white guys can't wrap.
"
45276,"Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so damn good at it
"
134410,"I saved 100 orphans from a burning building. Do they call me """"The Orphan Saver?"""" No. I butchered 20 men with my bare hands in WWI, but so they call me """"The Butcher?"""" No. But you fuck one goat....
"
191596,"Why did the English teacher hire a midget geography nut as his lawyer? He wanted someone who understood *capitals* and *lower* case.
"
92588,"I like my women like I like my coffee Bitter
"
152504,"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are 99 cents, deer nuts are just under a buck !
"
67339,"What's the difference between a man biking to a job interview and a clown on a unicycle? Attire.
"
2678,"What's the difference between a everyone and a bullet? Everyone misses Harambe.
"
224731,"Why did the cow drink his own milk? He needed the cowlcium.
"
167268,"A professor and a thespian walk into a Martin Chalifour concert... 69696969696969696969 lololololololololol
"
170712,"What has eyes but can't see? Hellen Keller
"
126870,"I got robbed by a magician Took my wallet, watch and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.
"
9646,"Tinder announced a new feature this week which gives users 37 gender options to choose from And it's now easier than ever to avoid matching with the mentally unstable
"
131076,"Dyslexia cost me my job in IT Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files
"
117448,"Walk a mile in someone else's shoes????? NOOOO, THANK you! I don't even wanna walk a mile in my own shoes!!! Do you know how long a mile is?
"
10512,"I hate being bipolar.. It's great.
"
156815,"Bad news: I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school. Worse news: I'm a bus driver
"
229327,"22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders
"
220593,"Losing your spouse can be hard. But it's not impossible.
"
195637,"Have you seen www.yawn.com? Yes but I'm a bit tired of it.
"
118186,"How many guys does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you.
"
60871,"What do you get when you breed a rabbit with an elephant? A dead rabbit with a beat-up asshole.
"
170095,"Paris joke (fair warning) Looks like America isn't the only ones who like their french fried. #fuckcommies #fuckterrorism #gofrance #goamerica #laughtoeasethepain
"
202114,"As a member of Destiny's Child, Kelly Rowlands was one of the most famous and beautiful women in the world.. ..'s friend. From Frankie Boyle.
"
39049,"What does Harry Potter do when he gets Ginny Pregnant? Cast Fetus Deletus.
"
49149,"My son walked in on me and my wife """"wrestling"""" on the bed. We call it """"wrestling"""" because he can't pronounce jiu-jitsu.
"
7975,"I cut my finger on a beer can last night. Now I know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.
"
29888,"A list of my favorite sex jokes. I don't have any...
"
137739,"My joke originality is like my girlfriend I don't have any
"
224537,"Did you know cat's are impervious to most rattle snake bites? Said every dog ever.
"
93854,"What are your most hilarious jokes if you dont know your opposite person?
"
206504,"Fat people. You can't run, but you can't hide either.
"
220167,"What do you call a Vietnamese undercover police officer pretending to be a prostitute? Pho Ho PoPo
"
217498,"the phone in the guy's hand next to me rang, it sounded like my alarm clock, I yelled fuck and smacked it out of his hand on pure reflex
"
164414,"John was going through a rough time, he lost his job and couldn't pay rent. Everything was hopeless when suddenly, he remembered... mitochondria is the power house of the cell.
"
161971,"? Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi """"May I have the definition?"""" The state siblings can get frisky ? and cousins toooo ?
"
15165,"I'm so lazy, if I got kidnapped I'd just think, """"Well, this is where I live now.""""
"
96864,"A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar The bar tender looks at him for a few seconds and finally says """" alright, you can stay..just don't start anything""""
"
44951,"Some of your timelines are my morning paper.
"
106973,"How did i escape Iraq? Iran.
"
141511,"Chuck Norris drives a solar powered car at night.
"
162178,"[Job Interview] Boss: What is your best trait? Me: Procrastination. B: How is that a positive? M: I'll give you my reasons. Later.
"
106708,"When it comes to anagrams, I don't know my earholes from my arsehole.
"
79378,"Why wouldn't the teacher fart in public? Because she was a private tutor
"
161243,"Lol at birds that walk places.
"
201181,"3 guys walk into a bar you would think one of them would have seen it.
"
139075,"Someone accused my dad of stealing from his job in the roads department... ...I thought it was nothing to worry about but when I got home the signs were everywhere.
"
27535,"Q: What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A: A pool table.
"
87008,"What's big and brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
"
82005,"Why is 6 afraid of 9 on New Years Eve? Because 9, 8, 7....
"
11087,"A real man should never wave faster than he SAYS the word """"hey""""
"
10628,"The legal system is like bleach, Works perfectly for whites, but not with colors.
"
81571,"Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants.
"
205111,"I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
"
149223,"Pet Review: Horses Cost: Thousands of dollars Pros: Bragging about owning a horse Cons: Can literally kick your face off, big teeth 1.5/10
"
10618,"The problem with cuddling in bed with your true love is that iPhones don't cuddle back.
"
129564,"The ugly barnacle. Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The end.
"
2078,"It was recently discovered that Pluto is not actually a dog.
"
37674,"""""So, how was your week off ill?"""", asked the co-worker to his Scottish counterpart. """"Aye, was okay lad, but it was only a wee cough"""".
"
102723,"A farmer walks past a tombstone that says: Here lies a lawyer, an honest man, a man of integrity. The peasant crosses himself and says scared: """"Blessed Virgin, three men buried in the same grave!""""
"
110184,"Optimist- The glass is half full Pessimist- The glass is half empty Engineer- The glass is twice the size it needs to be. College Student- I can't afford the glass.
"
48190,"Being a Miami Heat fan is like high fiving Starbucks employees while the locally owned coffee shop across the street boards up its doors.
"
101428,"Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
"
42109,"What do you get when you mix Michael Jordan with Donald Trump? A Dunkin' Donut.
"
78419,"""""Can you tie a knot?""""... """"I cannot."""" """"So you can knot?"""" """"No, I cannot knot."""" """"Not knot?"""" """"Who's there?"""" """"Fuck off!""""
"
147084,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Anthea ! Anthea who ? Anthea get home by 8 O'clock or else !
"
17782,"What is Donald Trump's favourite nation? Discrimination
"
55998,"[harsh] I'm very open-minded, if I have a daughter she can be whatever she wants when she turns 18: stripper, whore, you name it ...because by then she's gotten too old for my tastes anyway.
"
175670,"What would martin luther king be if he was white? Alive.
"
71557,"""""Wow, that milk is spoiled!"""" *milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
"
185368,"Pavlov's bell, but it's me reading an email that I think says winebar when it's actually webinar.
"
72765,"I went to the supermarket dressed as a classical composer... Somebody asked me what I was Chopin for.
"
23549,"Why does the disinterested Italian man have perfect skin? Because he's aloof-a
"
48270,"Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
"
176079,"Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.
"
166584,"Easy way to have a relationship: 1. Buy a ship 2. Name it 'Relation' 3. ??? 4. PROFIT
"
164759,"[awesome life of caterpillar] 1) all I do is eat, awesome 2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome 3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME
"
168271,"A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out """"What do you think you're doing?"""" """"Just heating up dinner"""" she replies.
"
204528,"A tree falls in the forest and kills a baby, whos fault is it? The lumberjack
"
231100,"I feel a weird sense of pride when I'm so drunk that autocorrect just gives up.
"
227618,"I wanted to get a haircut today after work around 8:45... but they closed at 9, so that's cutting it close.
"
194248,"I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
"
119219,"If you think your days bad... Think of all the shit plumbers have to go through
"
95128,"Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
"
42506,"Cheez-Its are hands down the BEST cheese flavored pronouns.
"
37769,"Why did ygritte break up with Jon Snow? She didn't want six inches of snow all year long.
"
78954,"Why did the melon leave her boyfriend? He said he can't elope.
"
161021,"My girlfriend said we can have sex on days that start wit """"T""""... ...Tomorrow.
"
58799,"Q: How do elephants smell? A: Really bad.
"
198739,"This is shit Said the winner of world anagram championship
"
104642,"Today I saw a Japanese man rushing to the elevator The door was closing, so I held it open for him. He replied with, """"Sank you"""". Why did he have to mention Pearl Harbor like that?
"
45682,"*slaps the shit out of a fish with a slightly larger, more confused fish*
"
132757,"""""Siri, why am I single?"""" Siri: opens front face camera
"
112434,"What's a lawyer's favourite pastry? Suet
"
181147,"If she's freaking out, kiss her forehead, hug her & call her beautiful.. If she growls, throw chocolate at her from a safe place
"
84378,"The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
"
69380,"I like to keep my collar popped. I ain't no collar back girl.
"
5010,"Two wind turbines are having a paddle 1: What's your thoughts on renewable energy? 2: I'm a big fan.
"
10878,"There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
"
26795,"What's small, orange and sounds like a parrot? An oompa loompa with a sore throat.
"
53619,"Why was the lesbian mermaid fired from the bakery? She was eating all the muff-fins.
"
109738,"I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. Then I realized what was telling me that.
"
52269,"What goes above the water and below the water but doesn't touch the water? An egg in a duck.
"
90197,"I didn't vote for Trump, but at least Now I get to find out how He's going to Build That Wall and make Mexico pay for it.
"
65295,"What's an incestuous mother's favourite drink? Sonny-D
"
68509,"Neon bumped into helium. There was no reaction.
"
224562,"I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
"
56213,"What are your two favourite times to party?  Daytime and night-time!
"
109618,"My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
"
91460,"A mayfly walks into a bar. The bartender asks: """"Why don't you fly?"""" The mayfly responds: """"Because it's not May, you fucking idiot""""
"
113993,"When I die I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not like his terrified passengers.
"
192737,"What do you call a cat who uses fake finger prints? an im-paw-ster.
"
219854,"Between men and women... There's a vas deferens.
"
20724,"Corduroy Pillow """"Did you guys hear about those new corduroy pillows?"""" [silence] """"No? I heard they were making headlines""""
"
49576,"Really the only advantage of a rainy day is that it is illegal to exercise.
"
82434,"I invented a new sex position called """"The Donald"""" You grab her by the pussy and fling her over a wall.
"
188038,"NSFW what does a suicide bomber need virgins for i read that suicide bombers get offered a bunch of virgins in heaven but whats a pile of mince meat going to do with them in heaven anyway.
"
11006,"There are plenty of fish in the sea. There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
"
19216,"What powers a robotic Sherlock Holmes Electricity, my dear Watt-Son
"
76674,"what is the disease that killed princes diana? Car pole tunnel syndrome
"
46137,"How did Henry V reload his rifle? Once more into the breech, dear friends
"
81837,"Chuck Norris uses a floor buffer to polish his massive testicles.
"
12178,"If I had a dollar for every gender that there is... If I had a dollar for every gender that there is, I'd have 2 dollars.
"
22167,"The Pope walks into a synagogue the Rabbi asks, """"Why the wrong faith?""""
"
211328,"Whoever decided on spelling """"biscuit"""" really needs to get their shuit together.
"
48643,"Why do Mexicans eat so many beans? Because they're versatile, a good value, and contain lots of protein you racist fuck.
"
66434,"A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up. The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY Doctor: Can you read this ? Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
"
50706,"What do you call it when a hooker farts? A prostitoot.
"
193073,"My dick is like an anchor... If it extends, I'm not going anywhere until it retracts.
"
45422,"If storks bring babies, what kind of bird doesn't bring any babies? A swollow.
"
27152,"My friend told me what the Mile High Club was the other day But honestly, I don't give a flying fuck.
"
148865,"My wife said something that meant a lot to me. """"500 trillion.""""
"
145490,"This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses INSIDE of the cars, at least?
"
21445,"When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.
"
2894,"I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you're talking on it
"
208197,"Looking to find a way to say """"I'm not mad at you"""" without actual human communication? Try a Facebook Like today!
"
88224,"Invisible Russian army. -Do you see Bandera supporters in Crimea? - No. -Yet, they are there. - Do you see Russian army in Crimea? -Yes. -Yet, they are not there.
"
8583,"Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that's a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles
"
200616,"Why does Reddit hate Pilipinos? Everybody hates Pilipinos.
"
154443,"Soldier had his dominant hand blown off Guess you could say it was an explosive breakup
"
65144,"Why is the Angel of Death so socially awkward? Because he sucks at life.
"
101406,"I don't understand people with anchor tattoos that say, """"I refuse to sink."""" It's a damn anchor! It's supposed to sink! What am I missing?
"
61393,"Why is milk the fastest liquid on the planet? It's pasteurised before you can see it!
"
168052,"What's the worst part of locking your keys in your car at an abortion clinic parking lot? Having to go inside and ask for a coathanger.
"
189146,"here lately i've been feeling a void in my life... it's probably nothing.
"
39946,"Erectile Dysfunction Nature's way of saying """"No hard feelings"""".
"
58445,"You wanna know why me and my wife don't see eye to eye anymore after 26 years of marriage? She lost her legs so we're no longer the same height. edit: I'm sorry, I thought this was /r/antijokes
"
31768,"Joke from my daughter Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!
"
194446,"How do you get a nun pregnant? You dress her up as an altar boy..
"
125733,"I like my men how I like my coffee. Sweet.
"
23988,"Developing an app that redirects you to twitter if you click on any other app on your phone cause obviously it was a mistake. You're welcome
"
90771,"What kind of bears don't have teeth? Gummi bears. ;)
"
28477,"Why was 7 afraid of 8? Because 8 nined 10.
"
158454,"My girlfriend treats me like I'm God She ignores my existence and doesn't ever speak to me.
"
75080,"Did you hear about Nursing Home Sports League Everyone gets atrophy at the end of the season.
"
124793,"From the pilot during his welcome message:  """"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the  industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.
"
85322,"Muslim artists threw some paint bombs at a local building... They blue it up.
"
1001,"How are babies different from feminists? Babies grow up and stop crying.
"
54032,"In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it's space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
"
151905,"Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
"
159505,"I joined the DNA this week . . . The National Dyslexic Authority
"
34037,"You had me at, """"we'll make it look like an accident.""""
"
143534,"So, this dugong was all up in my face today askin what kinda shirt I was wearin. I said, """"Manatee.""""
"
217864,"Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
"
188060,"Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
"
16570,"Save your little napkin, bartender. I don't plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
"
140003,"What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip? Girl, we used to be so tight until we let some dick come between us.
"
69337,"Microsoft tech support called me last night as a indian, I said """"Sorry your calling Indian Tech Support""""
"
175803,"Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won't last long! """"Honey, stop trying to sell the kids.""""
"
15290,"How do you guys feel about that new drug-resistant superbug? It makes me sick.
"
209799,"I'm not usually too good at jokes but um... Tiss
"
217619,"Newt Gingrich's face looks like a fat woman's knee.
"
91292,"A truck with the slogan """"We always go the extra mile"""" took the last parking spot so I wrote on it """"because we missed the exit"""" as a revenge.
"
17443,"A construction crew was converting an old road near a chicken coupe back to farmland... Comedians slaughtered the construction crew, and the jokes continued.
"
221041,"[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a """"gang"""" [Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] """"Not a chance""""
"
105279,"The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances. *locks doors*
"
117128,"A new card game It's called the Star of David. You take out all the cards you don't like, put a star on them, and then you burn them.
"
42098,"Do you know how Michael Jackson really died? He ate a 3 year old wiener.
"
167207,"Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing """"you Two look fantastic!!"""" on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it.
"
230338,"I got received an e-mail from my Buddhist friend... ...it was free from attachments.
"
132706,"What is E.T. short for? So he can fit into his spaceship.
"
217608,"*gets down to snails level* IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
"
57109,"[running from cop] *cop catches me* """"Get on the ground or I'll taze ya"""" *pulls jellyfish from pocket* """"Look they were all out of tazers""""
"
72588,"After every one of Benedict Cumberbatch's lines in DR. STRANGE, turn to your neighbor & say """"I guess that's why they call him Dr. Strange""""
"
53167,"Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
"
173933,"Why is 'secret' such a popular password on Brazzers? You can type it with one hand.
"
197853,"""""HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?"""" """"Ma'am, that's a watermelon""""
"
208047,"What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? A seizure salad!
"
60970,"You guys hear that Atheists don't get taxed? Apparently they are a non-prophet organization
"
36023,"Guns don't kill people Bullets do
"
33740,"Did you hear about the porno at the campground? It was fucking in tents.
"
8849,"People say I'm a stand up guy.. ....but I prefer to sit down when I can. Good morning everyone!
"
5162,"I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don't know if he was scared of what I'd do or thankful. Either way, amen.
"
132192,"I hate it when I pee in my pants and people think its just water that splashed on my crotch from washing my hands.
"
172643,"It's funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom Until they're flashing behind you
"
156597,"Why are there no cats on mars? Curiosity
"
16713,"Little Johnny When I was a boy, I prayed, and prayed, for a bike but never got one. Then I realized that God don't work that way. So I stole a bike, then asked for forgiveness.
"
168509,"How does Bruce Wayne's mom call Bruce in for dinner... She can't she's dead
"
200424,"How long does it take a black lady to shit? About 9 months.
"
183107,"Don't worry. Nobody else wants Sharona.
"
86909,"Fat people are a bit like circles. Because pie dictates their life.
"
69944,"Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I'm not the kinda guy who'll kiss intel
"
91382,"An elf walks into a bar. (LOTR) The hobbit laughed and walked under it.
"
204144,"Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.
"
188069,"How do pasta strainers go to the bathroom? Through their little-ass holes
"
163382,"What do you call it when you spill your morning drive-through beverage on your virus scan software? Getting McCafe on McAfee
"
154342,"What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country? Simple, you get stoned twice
"
192290,"Sally Why could Sally never answer questions about her previous husbands? They all beat her.
"
169257,"My GF called me """"behind the times"""" today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
"
227728,"Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed I'm sure they'll soon get over it
"
226156,"Congratulations. You're 18. On a list of 20 people that I want to kill.
"
72165,"Why are women so odd? Because they can't even. Huh huh?
"
86274,"if i ever go missing please don't use that photo of me holding a sign that says """"if i ever go missing don't look for me."""" thanks
"
43809,"I've run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
"
185829,"I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I'm a hippy and start talking about recycling.
"
15110,"Cross-Eyed Monster: When I grow up I want to be a  bus driver. Witch: Well I won't stand in your way.
"
20609,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Arson ! Arson who ! Arson McCullers !
"
90029,"I can go from 2 to 0 testicles in 1.0 spiders.
"
9105,"So I was shopping online for antique guns..... and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.
"
104888,"For what it's worth, I'd like to exchange some foreign currency.
"
80193,"NOW THAT is a great looking tie! just. WOW. I mean, SHIT, that's nice! seriously, that tie is fucking PERFECT! ... I ran over your kid.
"
222059,"If Johnny Cash were alive today. He'd probably just be known as Johnny Credit/Debit.
"
195736,"If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.
"
172725,"Why did a Hispanic man rob a train? He had loco motives!
"
97485,"Whats worst than a super long joke? A short one with no punchline
"
198430,"What did Mulan's grumpy elderly friends say when they caught her with Li Shang? """"Get off Mu-lan!!!""""
"
231502,"NASA's Scott Kelly is back on Earth after spending a year in space He found out how many states Trump won and left again
"
217044,"I've been waking up with a headache for years Unfortunately I'm married to it.
"
107277,"My wife...it's difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore
"
84907,"What are a psychoanalysts first words to a suicide bomber? """"What makes you tick?""""
"
201838,"Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.
"
145707,"My daughter is at that age where she has started asking awkward questions about sex... Like, """"Is that all you fucking got?""""
"
6039,"My door to door VHS sales are taking a nose dive because of the economy.
"
183113,"Why can't black people be virgins? Because they're born fucked.
"
47882,"something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don't do this.it's a rhombus. u don't care
"
180984,"What do you do when a bird shits on your windshield? Don't take her on a second date.
"
74158,"- How many Russians does it take to screw in  a light bulb? - That is a military secret. If I told you I'd have to kill you.
"
91697,"If someone finds a corpse, in the river off 4th St., in a blue suitcase, it wasn't me.
"
131711,"If your building doesn't have an elevator and you don't live on the first floor, we can't date. I'm looking for a relationship, not a gym.
"
220114,"Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself you're dying.
"
61488,"Hot Date: Girl: Sorry, I don't put out on the first date. Me: [on fire] I respect that in a woman.
"
162440,"Where did the Grim Reaper find his missing keys? On Death's drawer.
"
99856,"How do you get people to quit smoking? Cut off their lips
"
136111,"I'm new here I have never posted here before. I will share a joke. What is brown and sticky? A stick.
"
118591,"How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts Wi' jamin.
"
31033,"My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke's on them because I'm not even trying.
"
81829,"A snake met an elephant one day and laughed 'Look at you, you have a dick on your face!' The elephant replied, 'Better than you, your face is on your dick!'
"
173321,"Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says, """"do you know how to drive this thing?
"
3527,"What are the pigs warned to look out for in New  York? Pigpockets.
"
22730,"What is a Jewish delima? A free ham.
"
62412,"Why was the old Jewish woman afraid her chauffeur got her pregnant? Because they schlepped together.
"
66138,"How do you make an elephant sandwich?  First of all you get a very large loaf...
"
108162,"Where do facts come from? The factory.
"
186870,"mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
"
135049,"What animal is best at playing hide and seek? The airplane.
"
52937,"What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? Boy scout comes back from camp!
"
150918,"What's the difference between love, pure love and excessive love? Blowing Swallowing Gargeling
"
85809,"Only in America do we chain $2.00 ink pens to the counter but leave our $58000 cars out in the driveway.
"
152157,"Tell a woman she has cute kids and she's all proud. Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
"
108591,"What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
"
193608,"I don't quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don't even like 15 people altogether in my life.
"
191745,"Sometimes I tell my Then I laugh at them.
"
186339,"Sometimes I think my wife's a bit shallow I wouldn't want the dog digging her up
"
212537,"I'll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid's acting like a spoiled brat...I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you're not looking.
"
57303,"You know why there are very few American bees these days? They are being replaced by H1Bees.
"
149963,"-hey lucifer. did it hurt -did what hurt -when you fell from heaven -for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
"
102796,"A man calls in sick... """"It's my eyes,"""" he says. """"What's wrong with them?"""" his boss asks. """"I just can't see myself coming to work today.""""
"
74884,"Germany really put a whoopin on Brazil today... But it's still not as bad as when they beat Israel 6,000,000-0
"
38,"Ted Cruz getting elected.
"
168814,"What is a thespian pony? A little horse play!
"
176596,"Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
"
114880,"What did you think of our website? A little bit tacky.
"
143587,"You better brush your teeth everyday... Oral-B very mad!
"
32948,"Policeman: What do you think you're  doing parking your car there? Motorist: I thought it was good place. It says """"Safety Zone.""""
"
207947,"How many dragon ball characters does it take to change a light bulb ? Only one... but it will take a few episodes. ~~The lightbulb saga~~
"
130071,"Hi, I'm Zack. You might remember me from HR meetings such as, """"We Don't Even Need to Watch the Security Tape to Know It Was You""""
"
27062,"What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
"
147994,"After working for 24 hours straight... I called it a day.
"
149400,"My favourite joke when I was 9. """"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a row of theatres"""" """"Did it happen suddenly?"""" """"No, it came on in stages""""
"
227781,"If you speak Japanese... Why would you support Trump? He's such a card.
"
156764,"No adult entertainment companies around here that offer fireman strippers, so we're starting a fire and hoping a slutty one shows up.
"
144751,"My job is top secret Even i dont know what im doing
"
177625,"Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can't put their shopping cart away.
"
33293,"Why did Jeb lose support? He was always beating around the bush... Without getting to the (common) core!
"
63118,"Why you should wash your car? WASH YOUR CAR BECAUSE IT IS DIRTIER THAN MILEY CYRUS!
"
163067,"Two college grads are standing at a counter... The one says to the other """"I'll have a number 6, super sized""""
"
40136,"Why is George Clooney unhappy with his sex life now? Because he married her under the impression that Anal was her nickname
"
83246,"I think that this entire Jared thing will just end up resulting in a teeny jail sentence.
"
173490,"Why did the Irish Football manager flood the pitch ? So he could bring his 'sub' on
"
140488,"Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
"
120400,"Being a fat guy at McDonald's is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
"
212431,"I lost my virginity yesterday. My dad incests he did nothing
"
134407,"Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
"
222070,"Don't people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person's deeply held beliefs?
"
42362,"What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?
"
185886,"I'm so dependent on the google """"did you mean ____?"""" that i barely bother to spell anything even remotely correctly
"
43812,"When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You're experiencing what scientists refer to as """"the eye of the shitstorm.""""
"
37964,"Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea ? Jack the kipper !
"
216281,"The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes.
"
151498,"Can we just make serving unsalted french fries a federal offense?
"
208516,"Have you guys heard about that new broom that's sweeping the nation? I heard it literally leaves its competitors in the dust!
"
201558,"What do you call Asian quadruplets? 4chan
"
22586,"And on the 7th day God rested, but the children did not rest. So on Monday God made school and He sent the kids and all the people rejoiced.
"
77785,"My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp, I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again.
"
54152,"I wanted to make a joke about quantum physics, but I wasn't sure if I should. So I did and didn't.
"
149994,"Why was the garbage man afraid of the staff at the sex-change clinic? They give him the willies.
"
89913,"Why did the baker have brown hands? He kneaded a pooh
"
111402,"What's the difference between LIGHT and HARD? You can sleep with a light on.
"
182346,"A man goes into a library asking for a book on suicide... The librarian says """"F*** off, you won't bring it back.""""
"
96377,"""""Act your age!"""" I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
"
180193,"What happens when a soviet and a german have a child? I don't know but he can conquer poland really fast.
"
210226,"""""Officer, what can you tell us about the break in at the bakery today?"""" """"Man I've seen all kinds of thieves in my career, but this one takes the cake""""
"
31476,"What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed? Isaac Newton died a virgin.
"
117456,"I was born with an extra toe halfway down my leg. It's neato.
"
103524,"what do you call a blonde that dyed her hair brunette. artificial intelligence.
"
7954,"The World Trade Center had a Speed-Reading club they went thru fifty stories in thirty seconds
"
75709,"I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
"
156643,"Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark? Black people can't swim. -.-
"
128225,"Why do jews believe in God? Because Isreal.
"
6947,"I swear if I see one more tweet about 11/11/11 being once in A life time I will snap. Every date is once in a life time! That how time works
"
117726,"A good place to hide a body would be the DVD section of a Best Buy.
"
45699,"Toilets can be so full of shit sometimes.
"
211594,"Did you hear about the guy who got fired from Crayola last week? He desecrated the holy crayon.
"
53727,"my cat: *hacking up a hairball* my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
"
59627,"I like my men like I like my grapes Black and twenty at a time
"
35788,"7yr old """"Do women get their periods on weekends too?"""" Me """"Yes"""" 7yr old mutters to herself """"Jesus Christ""""
"
59315,"What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? A Pokemon.
"
124822,"Damn girl, is it just me, Or did I just damn you to hell for the sake of pick up line?
"
28996,"I was addicted to hokey pokey But then I turned myself around
"
225330,"Saw a man at the beach screaming, """"SAVE ME..I'm drowning"""". I instantly uploaded his pic, captioned """"1 like = 100 prayers"""" on facebook..!!
"
204046,"I was eating a piece of Gouda... And I was trying to describe it. I didn't want to say it was good because that would've been to cheesy.
"
146784,"Anyone: I'm cold Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I'm not your mother Dog: *shivers once* Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
"
226681,"ancestry dot com told me my ancestors were """"A Shit Ton of Sketchy Raccoons"""". bullshit. i didnt pay 50 bucks for something i already knew
"
189016,"The human body is 90% water, so we're basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
"
13165,"Jokes we made up when we were kids? I have one. Why did the boy band break up? They weren't N'sync.
"
23546,"Q: Why can't blondes put in light  bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
"
209847,"Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't care now and I probably won't care later.
"
32622,"Why do people think Henry the Sixth was a Norseman? Because he was a VI KING.
"
133263,"*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
"
131768,"""""Latte"""" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
"
118920,"*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
"
208235,"Why do midgets have bad breath? Because their asses are closer to their mouths.
"
45680,"Inspired by a recent ELI5: """"Why is milk measured in gallons and soda in litres"""", I present this oldie... Q: What comes in quarts? . . A: Elephants
"
29120,"*Aquarium GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off...ma'am don't flash the octopus ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
"
115075,"A male law is going on a date A male law thought he was going to dinner with a female decree, but it turned out it was a mandate!
"
149830,"What is the generic name for Viagra? Mycoxafloppin
"
83801,"Have you ever read """"The Longest Joke in the World""""? Now you have.
"
216804,"The dentist said to his patient, """"This is going to hurt a little."""" The patient replied, """"It's ok doc, I'm ready."""" The dentist went on, """"I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.""""
"
144141,"Brace yourself for the shortest and corniest joke in the world What do you call a fly with no wings....... A walk
"
146719,"Shakespeare walks into a gay bar... [Exit, pursued by a bear]
"
209598,"Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs] Prince: """"There there, cry it out"""" [starts recording] Um, you are a therapist, right? """"Sure""""
"
110202,"best sunscreen ever... Xbox 360
"
40816,"Wife: """"Bad day?"""" Me: """"Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid."""" Wife: """"Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.""""
"
75512,"Virginia wolf More like Virginia woof
"
129628,"I once knew a gay Irish couple. Their names were Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick
"
93633,"""""I'm not really supposed to do this,"""" says the Verizon employee, showing you the setting on your phone that unbinds love from sorrow.
"
66050,"How do you excite an idiot? I'll tell you later.
"
113945,"Friends don't let friends make Harlem Shake' videos...
"
109721,"A Smart Liberal
"
7322,"I think my girlfriend would be a great presidential candidate, Because she's so awesome at bringing up shit from the past.
"
3891,"A guy got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick... Now he can play with his money, watch it grow, and you can't find a girl who can't blow a hundred dollars.
"
86295,"Did you know Thailand has a military? It does a good job of separating the ladyboys from the ladymen.
"
46751,"Q: What is the proper way to address the king of the ghosts? A: Your ghostliness.
"
60984,"Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.
"
53103,"Why was the cannibal expelled from school?  Because he kept buttering up the teacher.
"
174107,"What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry  ? A hoppercraft !
"
35148,"I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend and re-wire the toaster. She was shocked.
"
40162,"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
"
81245,"Coldplay have been arrested. They played """"Clocks"""".
"
172186,"I don't blame people for not wanting Merrick Garland in the Supreme Court I would be scared too if I had to work with the Incredible Hulk in his later years.
"
128246,"Why did the scale decide that the scam artists were heavier than the novels? Because the cons outweighed the prose.
"
82715,"Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
"
405,"butts are truly the final frontier. to think we know more about SPACE than we do about the human butt. two fleshy mounds of mystery & wonder
"
92380,"Adding """"and shit"""" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
"
11483,"What's the difference between good sex and anal? Good sex makes your whole day, good anal makes your hole weak.
"
85949,"It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
"
160650,"We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton's laugh.
"
39315,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. You don't need a lightbulb when you have a glass ceiling.
"
172275,"Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Asian population is getting.
"
190825,"Man walks into a bar with a giraffe The giraffe goes to sleep on the floor. The bartender says, """"Aye, what's that lyin' there?"""" The man says, """"It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!""""
"
99999,"What's the world's longest Ted Talk? How I Met Your Mother
"
200695,"I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker.
"
203864,"A man walks into a Bar.. fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu
"
85106,"What's a pirate's favourite Roman numeral? You might think it's II, but his true love be the C.
"
227301,"How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Potato
"
78457,"WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.
"
195683,"What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional. (My manager from Croatia told me this during a shift)
"
101792,"What's an alcoholic's favorite type of soap? Bar soap.
"
202586,"Did you hear the one about the blind ship captain? He couldn't sea anything.
"
66111,"Why do black people have nightmares? We killed the only one with a dream
"
15784,"What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? Everyone pretends to be Irish on St. Paddy's Day.
"
202424,"There once was a mouse called Keith Who did circumcisions for free with his teeth; He didn't do it for pleasure, Excitement or leisure... He did it for the cheese underneath.
"
47426,"Knock Knock. whos there? a beautiful girl a beautiful girl who? that was already the joke.. no beautiful girl will ever knock your door loser... edit: looser = loser
"
132093,"Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.
"
169197,"I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid... ...but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
"
171737,"Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
"
207774,"There is a new Jason vs Michael Myers movie coming out... ..I guess it will be a silent film?
"
24623,"Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh doctor my  girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in say three  or four weeks' time?
"
3429,"I'm one of those people who thinks different races shouldn't mix Which is why I don't participate in triathlons
"
57347,"Just found an inch-long hair growing from my earlobe. Does this mean I can finally join the X-Men?
"
10800,"What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last great hit was the wall.
"
210222,"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk in to a bar.. Barman says """"What is this, some kind of joke?""""
"
65581,"What's the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
"
127320,"How do you call playing games while it snows heavily? Blizzard Entertainment.
"
163812,"I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but... No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
"
46840,"what's a cheap, tasteless way to kill a werewolf? Coors Lite, the silver bullet
"
124434,"I saw my ex getting jumped by six guys at a party last night, so I helped out She didn't stand a chance against seven of us!
"
129822,"I put one slice of toast in my toaster and got two out... Must have been mitoastis
"
204563,"Ever wonder why people pay so much for their electricity bill? CON Edison.
"
110913,"The penguin is mightier than the swordguin.
"
99553,"What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
"
49496,"I don't mind hopping on the bandwagon every once in a while, but seriously, it's 2010. Buy a fucking car already.
"
186573,"Louie C.K.'s Honda Civic joke at the Oscars Really struck Accord
"
18216,"What's the most important part of a Taliban joke? The execution!
"
87007,"Canadians would be chagrined to know how many Americans think a """"Vancouver"""" is a big tarp for your VW microbus.
"
6154,"BEST vine with nigga - chocolate milk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JZfR4PwIbs
"
213492,"Would it be dangerous for a human to live 65 million years ago? You bet jurassic would.
"
26407,"Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?
"
133574,"TIL Trampolines were originally called Jumpolines.. ..until your mom jumped on one.
"
98290,"Restraining order Why did Mary get a restraining order against Black Beard the Pirate? He kept trying to plunder her booty.
"
189003,"Why would Adrian Peterson be a great baseball player? Because he's a switch hitter
"
40881,"How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar? Total internal reflection.
"
147952,"How much is a $1,000,000 Bill worth? Nothing! You can't use it anywhere!
"
86846,"Do you want to hear a dirty joke? Jimmy fell in the mud. You wanna hear a clean joke? Jimmy had a bath with bubbles. You wanna hear another dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door.
"
153581,"Two blondes walk into a building... You thought they would have seen it.
"
26033,"How many grammar mistakes does it take to piss off your English teacher? not alot. (Just thought of it, tell me what you think :) )
"
226337,"FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food ME: I like to plan ahead FRIEND: But you haven't got a freezer ME: I'm a terrible planner
"
81806,"What do you call a guy with no arms and legs at your door? Whatever his name is you ass
"
196591,"I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would've found it already.
"
61367,"Why does the Little Mermaid where sea shells? Because she can't fit in B shells!
"
204970,"You can lead Narcissus to water...
"
135978,"Police hunting a man for indecent assault. Applications close next week.
"
212222,"The biggest thing I've learned at art school is the art of disappointing my father.
"
206397,"Call me a stun gun Because I'm going to shock you with a bad joke.
"
37588,"What's the difference between Boy Scouts and Jews? Boy Scouts come back from their camps.
"
127191,"What is a dog's favorite camp sport? Woofleball
"
35494,"What do you call sandpaper on fire? Bernie Sanders
"
196400,"What do a crematorium and an auditorium have in common? It's apparently frowned upon to jerk off in either.
"
155896,"My wife said to me """"If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"""" I answered """"Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.""""
"
47306,"Love is like Wi-Fi You can't see it, but you'll know when you lose it.
"
99551,"Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
"
170537,"A guy goes to the doctor for his annual checkup, and the doctor says, """"You need to stop masturbating."""" """"Why?"""" the man asks. The doctor replies, """"Because I'm trying to examine you.""""
"
227513,"Why do white girls travel in groups of 3? Because they can't even
"
183925,"The police just knocked on my door They claimed my dog was chasing someone on a bike. I told them they must be mistaken. My dog doesn't even own a bike.
"
14567,"What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets? Tally Hoes
"
14441,"Stop! This is not funny! My dad died in 9/11, his last words were Allah wakbar
"
209636,"How does father Christmas get away with suing everyone? The Santa Clause
"
122070,"Whenever I see a person with a yoga mat... I tell them to get bent.
"
160222,"Why did the hipster wear a sweatshirt on the sweltering summer day? She wears sweatshirts before it is cool! (Cue rim shot)
"
3171,"How do dogs own cats? bitches have pussies
"
171650,"""""Any idea how to make a lasagne, Barry?"""" """"Not a clue mate, but I Bechemal would know""""
"
69025,"My lame brother and his friends dressed up as european sausages tonight! He's the wurst.
"
69295,"Q: What do you get when you cross a poisonous snake with a horse? A: I dunno, but if it bites you, you can ride it to the hospital!
"
190564,"What do you call a Mexican without his car? Carlos
"
153283,"Did you hear about the atom that was caught stealing electrons? He was arrested and charged. ...this is the stuff I come up with while procrastinating studying for finals.
"
10775,"TV that gets louder to compensate for when you are chewing.
"
30995,"A giant lizard rebuilds Japan and the moonwalks into the sea. #ReverseAFilmPlot
"
81119,"Where's the most dangerous place to go  trick-or-treating? On the psycho path!
"
4143,"A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double-entendre... So he gives it to her.
"
211464,"I will not eat a donut. I will not eat a donut. I will not eat... I will not eat a third donut. I will not eat a third donut.
"
66841,"Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
"
197788,"A landscaper's favourite musical genre? Mow-town.
"
90935,"Why did God invent the yeast infection? To show girls what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.
"
49107,"I got the book """"Front Page of the Internet for Dummies"""" from a friend... But I need to take it back, because I already reddit.
"
187923,"What do witches eat at Halloween?  Spook-etti Halloweenies Devil's food cake and Boo-berry pie.
"
5738,"Why was Edward stuck at the Russian airport? Because he was Snowden.
"
34382,"How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to sell oranges by the side of the highway.
"
159574,"Trump: """"If you mess with the United States...."""" .....there will be hell Toupeeeeee
"
134113,"The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
"
91560,"What do you feed a gay horse? haaaayyyyy!
"
47220,"If Trump wins the election and replaces President Obama... ...orange will be the new black.
"
187228,"If a tree falls down in the woods... But nobody is around to hear it. Does a hipster still buy the album?
"
145529,"How that we are engaged I hope you'll give  me a ring. Of course. What's your phone number ?
"
7518,"If you ever travel to Italy, you have to try their famous food called """"Pasta,"""" which I believe is Italian for """"Pizza.""""
"
226122,"I needed a password 8 characters long .. .. so I used Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
"
164175,"A man was found dead eight years after committing suicide Sort of proves his point, doesn't it?
"
106154,"So another way of saying a no-brainer would be...? A Kurt-Cobainer...
"
175843,"What do you call it when a shepherd can't find his ram? Memory loss.
"
147850,"Why did Theon Greyjoy become Reek as Ramsay Bolton's hostage? He was suffering from Starkhome syndrome
"
125674,"What do you call a mexican who last his car? Juaquin.
"
80061,"Voting this year will be like going to the dentist... No one wants to do it, but we all know we should for our own good.
"
69300,"What do you call a Hawaiian with a cold? A Polysneezin.
"
111041,"What's difference between dollars and Jews? I'd give a shit if I lost 6 million dollars.
"
172732,"What's the hardest thing about nailing a baby to a tree? My Penis.
"
208688,"Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.
"
199468,"A blind guy walks into a bar ***thud***
"
147805,"What is brown and sticky? A stick!
"
27507,"The generic brand Kool-Aid Man just walks into walls and mutters """"whatever"""" and tries to steal your wallet.
"
185587,"Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
"
89822,"""""Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs, snakes, spiders and rugby players bite."""" How Aussie parents tuck their kids into bed at night.
"
52026,"Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I'm running out of ideas for gifts.
"
4822,"What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? One stops sucking when you slap it and the other is a blonde.
"
79338,"Lars asked Ole, """"Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"""" """"No, I don't,"""" said Ole. """"A canoe will sometimes tip,"""" explained Lars.
"
218833,"For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says """"please take one"""" That way it looks like I actually had candy once
"
58243,"Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns By keeping his mouth shut.
"
22948,"If a man masseur refuses to give a massage to a woman Is he a misogynist?
"
81185,"Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses. 5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?
"
160256,"what's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean!
"
49180,"Welcome to the celebrity impressionist club. Please take a seat, there are plenty of Chers. I'll see myself out....
"
131963,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Butter ! Butter who ? Butter wrap up - it's cold out here !
"
105067,"In order to prepare for the future, I'm going to practice wearing adult diapers. But only when I'm drinking.
"
61320,"How do you discipline your pet rock? You hit rock bottom!
"
77454,"How do you clear out a synagogue call the irs
"
67859,"Capital letters are important. It can be the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
"
112056,"I tried to use 'penis' as my password But it was too short.
"
178266,"How many gay guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw it in, one to pour the wine, and one to say 'marvelous, simply marvelous!'
"
138406,"What is the difference between a brothel and a circus? One is an array of cunning stunts!
"
7338,"What do you call a panda who's legs don't work? Pandapalegic
"
198622,"How does a person with less than 50 dollars become a millionaire? Knawledge!
"
78289,"Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes? Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.
"
32796,"teacher asked a boy ............ if you have ten chocolates and you give 2 to girl on first bench 3 to second and 5 to last bench girl then what will be left for you reply : three new girl friends
"
84577,"What's that pig doing in the middle of the road  with a red light on its head? Didn't you tell me to put out a stop swine?
"
51377,"Being an assassin would be so cool People would kill to have that job
"
40364,"Why do toilets flush after getting pissed on? They get embarrassed.
"
179278,"I was told I couldn't change religion because I wasn't circumcised .. Guess I'm just not cut out to be a Jew.
"
37423,"What's Sauron's favorite soft drink? Mountain Dewm
"
101064,"Me and my wife decided to form a suicide pact... Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.
"
106572,"Someone told me they could beat me in a photoshop battle. Adobe'd it.
"
215031,"I have this Jewish friend. Hebrew beer for a living.
"
113331,"I'm up all night to get lucky, My dog that ran away
"
25314,"What's the worst part of giving a magician a ride home? When you get there, you turn into the driveway. Ba-dum-bum! Don't forget to tip your waitress!
"
88983,"what's pink and hard?... Micheal Jackson...still.
"
87835,"Why were the police ever issued with pepper sprays? Surely this will lead to the creation of more seasoned criminals.
"
225143,"Why doesn't Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year and it's down the chimney.
"
71248,"My idiot friend wanted to get into porn. He heard that the camera adds ten pounds.
"
218993,"Did I tell you I bought a sports car? It wasn't very good though, I beat it in every sport I played against it
"
164446,"Doctor: Any cancer in the family? Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I'll have to check on everyone else. Doc: ...
"
228054,"A man walks into a bar... and the man behind him ducks.
"
91780,"Why is the biggest nose only 11 inches? Because if it was 12 inches it would be a foot!
"
130842,"Why was the Tibetan monk celibate? Because he didn't give a fuck.
"
125806,"Why can you trust a musician? Because he always gives sound advice. Ba dum tsss.
"
178320,"I would tell you a complicated joke But there is no chance that your incapable human mind has any possibility of comprehending what it means.
"
51522,"What did the sick gyro say to the other gyro? I falafel.
"
180399,"I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
"
136763,"I found a cat camping in a game today. What a pussy.
"
43798,"Why do french people love eating snails? Because they hate fast food
"
204892,"how did harry potter get down the hill? walking jk rowling
"
84708,"What do fables and STDs have in common? Both can be passed on orally!
"
54469,"Life hack: Never actually say the words 'Life hack' out loud.
"
191028,"If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
"
169190,"PATIENT: I broke my arm in 3 places DOCTOR: Then dont go to those places!
"
53347,"How many Jews died in the holocaust? Not enough.
"
194645,"Howcome you can't see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're very good at it.
"
50962,"What does the B in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B. Mandelbrot
"
59101,"A man is buying an apple, a banana, and two eggs. The female cashier says: """"You must be single."""" The man answers: """"Wow, how did you know?"""" Cashier: """"Because you're ugly.""""
"
218862,"I shot my first turkey today. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.
"
145044,"Sometimes, I like to read the bible in public and yell out, """"Oh Bullshit!""""
"
80320,"How many Orthodox Hasidic Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, ya mensch. It's Shabbat.
"
52874,"What's another word for knowing that you're right? Woman
"
77801,"Hotel Chain Merger Ramada Inn and Hilton are merging. The new hotel chain will be called """"Ram it in to the Hilt""""
"
106790,"I work in food service. .. We've cooked so many passover meals, it's like everyone is afraid of ovens.
"
71464,"Why is Santa Claus's sack always so full? Because he only comes once a year
"
129109,"To the people who will be posting 9/11 jokes this month: Please don't do it. Making jokes about 9/11 is just **plane** wrong. ~~dontkillmeforthis~~
"
94902,"Why did the pirate with the eye patch drown? Because he had no depth perception.
"
203614,"I was roasting meat and accidentally stabbed myself with a meat thermometer and blood is gushing out. I'm done.
"
2086,"100% of Nickelback fans drive drunk.
"
228793,"I bought a new sex doll... it's so realistic she doesn't wanna have sex with me.
"
158164,"Transitioning to a Smurf Today I'm excited to announce I'm transitioning to a Smurf...starting with my balls.
"
17006,"Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resume list """"psychics abilities"""" under skills? No. Next question.
"
67153,"Give a man a compliment & he'll be all, """"Yeah, I've been working out."""" Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he'll be all, """"I feel SO fat.""""
"
224926,"So I introduced my new girlfriend to my family Everyone seemed to like her except for my wife
"
225878,"What do you call a guy who's rolling around in the grass early in the morning? Dewy
"
148229,"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious.
"
31846,"Hillary is a great female candidate. She really puts the """"Emale"""" in """"Female"""".
"
193883,"Boss: """"We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.""""
"
68266,"Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.
"
155556,"I made a model aircraft. I wanted it to be an unpainted smooth finish wooden aircraft. So I made a plain planed plane plane.
"
30698,"What are the bouncers called at a gay bar? Flamethrowers.
"
114398,"What's the difference between Jesus and a hooker? One of them starts a religion after it gets nailed.
"
83935,"ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise
"
68190,"My parents are so poor.... If I dont wake up with a boner Christmas morning I'll have nothing to play with.
"
188657,"I don't get why I'm supposed to like someone who's different in the streets and in the sheets sounds duplicitous just be a freak everywhere.
"
84435,"Peeing is Foursquare for dogs.
"
38082,"What did Michael Jackson have in common with Target? Boys clothes half off.
"
13579,"A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because """"that's weird."""" As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
"
212656,"What's faster than a speeding bullet? A Jew with a coupon
"
132725,"I found a ghost passed out on my stairs last night. He must have been really into the boos! Happy October!
"
118794,"Marvel's latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD
"
67861,"Doctor: """"We got your test results back. I'm so sorry--it's Curiosity."""" Cat: """"Oh my god...""""
"
76071,"Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv! Me: Oh. No that's just for when I run out of toilet paper.
"
210681,"""""How often do you exercise?"""" About 3 to 4 times a week. """"Be honest."""" 2003.
"
196320,"I'm the man putting sexy... .... back into dyslexic.
"
194467,"Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
"
104908,"What do you call a faucet that won't give water to gay people? A sbigot.
"
94628,"Parents tell you their baby's weight because they have no other information. They can't say """"Meet Jim, a free spirit who's into yodeling.""""
"
127749,"I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your """"scary"""" battle at Normandy, grandpa.
"
224345,"Some pigs are born with two vaginas. It's true, ask your mom.
"
132439,"So if pro's are the opposite of con's... Then what is the opposite of progress?
"
152246,"Have you heard who's playing the lead role in Hollywood's latest fairytale movie? China's GDP numbers.
"
12483,"Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
"
5312,"I lost my virginity to a mentally disabled girl last night I wanted my first time to be special.
"
98022,"What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? A seizure salad
"
136653,"Man: Lima is a capital city in South America. Woman: Peru-ve it!
"
39056,"What does MSG stand for? Mandarin Service Guaranteed.
"
102061,"Im on the verge of starting my passion, a childrens sporting goods store Little Dicks
"
19218,"""""Excuse me, but the sign says 'No shirt, no shoes, no service.' It doesn't say a goddamn thing about no pants."""" - Me, drunk at Target
"
14635,"The drone on Mars ran over a feline organism. That's right - Curiosity killed the cat
"
188294,"There's safety in numbers. Unless there are 6,000,000 of you. And you're Jews.
"
84176,"What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Credit to Top Gear.
"
131362,"My son came into the room and said there was a man knocking the door with a beard. That's probably why I didn't hear him.
"
34979,"What do brunettes and red-heads do on Friday nights? Make blonde jokes!
"
190914,"Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all horrible sinners and you're going to hell.
"
208312,"what does past, present, and future have in common? ...... tense
"
200184,"You look cute without glasses. my glasses.
"
88217,"Whats the difference between man united and a clown? ones a complete laughing stock and the other ones a clown.
"
26278,"Youtube is the only place where you'll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
"
90226,"If the opposite of """"pro"""" is """"con"""", then what's the opposite of """"progress""""? """"Cliche jokes"""".
"
187680,"If Mr. Bigger has a baby, which one is bigger? The baby is, he's just a little Bigger.
"
102214,"Good, good, good, if it isn't that guy who isn't very well at grammar
"
176688,"If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
"
171236,"Why did Mrs. Quartz divorce Mr. Quartz? He took her for granite.
"
138713,"I feel so empty after sex... It's OK though. I'm a prostate gland.
"
158380,"A man was in a supermarket.... and he saw a man. He went up to him and said """"I know you from somewhere, are you famous?"""" The man replies """"no no no... I'm famYOU"""".
"
178315,"There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
"
99426,"Political Correct'ness has gone too far! Did you hear you can't even say 'black paint' anymore??? No! You have to say: 'Please paint the wall DeMarcus' instead.
"
20492,"I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.
"
99558,"Stop pissing me off or I'll marry you
"
14712,"Someone asked me to stop singing wonderwall I said maybe
"
142603,"What murder mystery is especially popular among mathematicians? the Sin of 4
"
193296,"If bad Russian puns were worth a Nikolai would be rich.
"
184141,"What did one gay sperm say to the other? How are we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?
"
72259,"The guy who cuts my hair tells me that the iPad 3 is coming out in March and the iPad 4 is coming out in October.
"
198937,"I read that most accidents happen within a few miles of the house... ...so I moved
"
120927,"I don't see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
"
213196,"Guy walks into a DR's office with a duck on his head... Duck says """"Hey Doc an you get this guy off my ass""""
"
83520,"If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don't preface them with """"and lastly"""".
"
94552,"Biology Joke If I ever meet the cell cycle, I'm going to punch him in the phase.
"
95239,"HULK:*smashes a tank* IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind* HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
"
91661,"What did the Native American pornstar call himself? Spread Eagle
"
9570,"Well ladies valentines day is over. Time for the men to go back to being a-holes again.
"
24887,"Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography. """"Shelf E,"""" replied the librarian. """"Aye that's the one,"""" said Sean
"
118624,"Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? - A: Mice cream
"
62258,"What's long and hard on a black guy? First grade.
"
158494,"Why are New Yorkers so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
"
96825,"Bicyclists, it's one thing to hog the road, but it's quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
"
174027,"What do you call Sherlock Holmes with no shit? No shit sherlock
"
142375,"I'm trying to choose a Freudian therapist... ...but they're all sex of one, half a dozen of your mother.
"
34109,"What do you get if you pour boiling water  down rabbit holes? Hot cross bunnies !
"
108693,"Her: I can't cook because, I """"believe"""" I can't cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that? Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
"
65760,"I woke up with a ringing in my left ear So I put my phone on vibrate.
"
51789,"Did you hear about the family with hereditary diarrhea? They said it runs in their jeans
"
52780,"We had a proper, serious, grown-up discussion about pornography recently, and my girlfriend said, """"I don't get porn. Why would I want to watch to people have sex?"""" I said, """"Two? People?""""
"
12029,"I wish I had emo hair So it would cut itself.
"
133850,"Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands
"
60575,"THE RIGHT ONE HOW CAN YOU BE CERTAIN YOU FOUND THE RIGHT ONE? AFTER YOU PASS GAS,THEY HAVENT FILED FOR AN ORDER OF PROTECTION
"
3627,"Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
"
57487,"[Twister] DOG 1: left paw green DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
"
50291,"Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we're done. Me handing him my boxers: I'm in a rush. Just wring these out.
"
677,"The Lord said unto John, """"Come forth and be awarded eternal life"""" John came fifth and was awarded a toaster
"
40926,"I got the job even though I kept telling them I'm not a plumber. It took awhile to sink in.
"
20949,"Mall security asked me to empty my pockets. My response was """"you won't find a better job or respect in my pockets""""
"
160305,"A German man walks into a bar.. He stops midway, locks eyes with the bartender and announces: """"This is a scheduled stop.""""
"
3291,"Me: Can I order the conch fritters please? Waitress: The """"ch"""" is pronounced like a """"k"""" Me: Okay Bick.
"
171896,"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
"
49802,"I wouldn't say it's easy living with erectile dysfunction. But it's not hard.
"
135304,"What is the difference between a Jew and a Canoe? a canoe tips.
"
89518,"I only have one hand.... So i shop at secondhand stores.
"
150928,"What is the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after three periods!^I^will^see^myself^out^now
"
19609,"Chopping Onions I walked into the kitchen to see my Dad chopping Onions up. As soon as I saw him, I started crying because Onions is my dog.
"
200715,"What was the ambulance saying when they were carrying Satoru Iwata? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U
"
56386,"Life is like a box of chocolates- -There is always that one nasty one otherwise know as your neighbor
"
218889,"Schizophrenic walks into a psychiatrists office . . . says, """"Doc, am I as crazy as he says we are?""""
"
20028,"If your going to be two faced at least make one of them pretty.
"
195944,"Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I'm tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
"
4285,"Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
"
117420,"What do you call an angry German? sauerkraut! (sour kraut)
"
225656,"Johnny sees that his dad has a black eye He asks him, """"Dad, why do you have a black eye?"""" His dad replies, """"You're gonna have two if your girlfriends keep leaving their panties in my car""""
"
59226,"How is Bud Light like sex on the beach? they're both fucking close to water
"
87287,"You know what they say about a man with cold hands...... No gloves.
"
28890,"How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? Not 6. My basement is still dark.
"
188201,"One of my co-workers just called the elevator a """"vator"""". Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call...
"
75341,"Her: Oh, please... You'll make a pass at anything in a skirt. Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
"
84519,"5 jokes at once. Q: how to tell 5 jokes at once? A: One direction
"
177692,"What does a Bactrian camel have in common with a very lazy prostitue? Humps on the back.
"
180650,"How many unwashed gorillas did Fetty Wap buy? 17 dirty apes.
"
152952,"Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.
"
51926,"Leather armor is the best for sneaking... ...because it's made out of hide.
"
191058,"What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops? Justin Bieber gets jealous.
"
2301,"Have you guys seen this? Have you heard about this? Wow, what a tewwific audience.
"
108577,"Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own 5yo: Ok Me:. 5yo:. Me:. 5yo: How do I do that?
"
86827,"HEALTHY VIRGIN Q: What's the definition of a healthy virgin? A: """"One who has never been bed-ridden!""""
"
165448,"Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that's just my onion.
"
190719,"Halloween '94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
"
108380,"If I were a ghost, I'd spell """"antidisestablishmentarianism"""" on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots' time.
"
210112,"Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they're like """"Yeah, you haven't got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit.""""
"
170945,"What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish ?  Tsardines !
"
119608,"[date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Girl: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
"
220546,"Patrick Star is so clueless It's like he lives under a rock or something
"
128194,"90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
"
193742,"How do you get a one armed man off a tree? You wave to him
"
108853,"I'm hesitant to use the word """"genius,"""" but I just answered the last five questions on Sesame Street correctly.
"
83586,"A very large woman was walking her dog... and as she walked by I said """"nice pig,"""" she looked at me with a puzzled face and said """"that's no pig, it's my dog."""" I replied with """"I was talking to the dog.""""
"
222974,"If you are willing to jump off a bridge, because your wife cheated on you... ...just remember it is a pair of horns, and not a pair of wings.
"
199157,"#Parenthood Throwing a ball to a two year old is like....well...playing """"throw a ball and go get it yourself""""....
"
182798,"Happy Fourh of July """"Hey England, Happy Fourh of July."""" """"Where's the T?"""" """"We threw it in the harbor."""" Merica.
"
28001,"What do you call a grandma that know martial arts? A grandmartial artist. I apologise for any lost brain cells.
"
104728,"Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
"
158639,"Why do you never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the """"p"""" is silent...
"
114740,"My career as a baseball catcher was cut short because I insisted on kissing the ball every time before I threw it back to the pitcher.
"
112047,"What do you call a fusion between Batman and Superman? The krypton-knight.
"
49365,"Whats black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra
"
215239,"If Sean Connery was in the bathroom and told someone what he was doing, it would sound like he was repeating himself. """"I'm shitting in here, pooping.""""
"
23755,"Do people who go to the gym to """"feel the burn"""" know nothing of Mexican food?
"
200853,"My girlfriend and I use """"laundry"""" as a code-word for sex. Her dad asked me why I couldn't do the laundry by myself so I told him """"it's a big load"""".
"
84171,"2 Jews walk into a bar.... They buy it.
"
40567,"People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
"
127967,"Doctor, doctor! I only have 59 seconds to live! Just a minute!
"
85730,"Ladies don't pass gas. We just let it bubble up inside until it bursts out in the form of nonstop chatter about some chick we hate at work.
"
134291,"What's the difference between a priest and a chilean mining company? One gets its miners stuck in shafts, and the other gets its shaft stuck in minors.
"
179911,"A Roman walks into a bar... He says """"I'd like a martinus,"""" the bartender replies """"don't you mean a martini?"""", the Roman replies """"if I wanted a double I'd have asked for one.'
"
51536,"Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone. It could have been a real game changer.
"
184139,"Why did the NSA spy on Germany ? Because after meeting with Merkel, they heard Obama say """"I'd tap that"""".
"
147637,"My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.
"
204305,"Welcome to plastic surgery anonymous I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say i'm really disappointed.
"
64776,"Why was the obtuse triangle upset? Because he is never right.
"
76346,"When I was young, I thought girls didn't poop Now I realize they're all full of shit
"
111039,"During sexual intercourse Jimmy suddenly stops and becomes motionless.. .. Girl: What the heck are you doing?? Jimmy: I have seen this on adult porn sites, it's called """"buffering""""
"
133900,"Whats the difference between a pussy and a freezer? The Freezer dosen't fart when you take the meat out.
"
84081,"You're a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges.
"
89453,"What's black &amp; blue covered with blood? The 12 year old in my trunk that faught back!!
"
160004,"My sister called in a panic to say she'd dropped my kid. I didn't even know she was pregnant.
"
17985,"ME: these gummy bears are delicious WIFE: those are daily vitamins ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can't find the remote
"
162680,"My friends started to call me Carlos... because I lost my car.
"
213985,"Trump's foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn't read the book. """"Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!""""
"
101492,"Can we start a Rihanna joke thread? Or did Chris Brown beat her to the punch?
"
70728,"NHK reported on the massive American erection yesterday... and apparently there will be a bigger one in two years.
"
187278,"I named my dog Shark to make him sound tough... For some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach.
"
107995,"My grandpa has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
"
139149,"What's the difference between Paul walker and my PC? I give a shit when my PC crashes.
"
160617,"I forgot to go to the gym again today. That's like 8 years in a row now.
"
77769,"What is a spectre's favorite theme park attraction? The Roller Ghoster
"
3697,"April showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? Pilgrims. What do Pilgrims bring? Smallpox
"
207263,"""""I don't believe in hyperbole,"""" she said while consuming an entire horse.
"
4508,"If there's a god-shaped hole in all of us does that mean our poos come out in god's image?
"
180041,"After everything I put, say to yourself 'So did Michael Jackson' I went to the beach on a sunny day. I saw an ice cream stall. I bought an ice cream. It melted.
"
39457,"Why did the biology magazine put a picture of gametes on their cover? Because sex cells.
"
177906,"I like to write """"made you look"""" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
"
188810,"[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard* ME: no not again *she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
"
66412,"I had to make a sign for the International Haiku club: International Haiku appreciation Conference meeting
"
192913,"No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword
"
111795,"Which movie is on every man's bucket list? Die Hard
"
91044,"I'm wearing my Superman t-shirt under my work shirt, which I'm sure the paramedics will find ironic after I throw myself out of the window.
"
185846,"What do you get when you combine a pun and a rhetorical question?
"
117180,"A guy shows up late for work... The boss yells, You should've been here at 8.30!' He replies. Why? What happened at 8.30?'
"
97032,"When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it's perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach's.
"
104678,"If you surround yourself with people who are full of drama, don't bitch if a shitstorm is always blowing through your life.
"
90849,"My girlfriend really wants to try out some schoolgirl role play. However, I feel really uncomfortable wearing the dress...
"
95352,"Everyone talks about how May 4th is 100% hands down the best Star Wars holiday ever.... But only a fifth May deal in absolutes..
"
12336,"A shark walked into a bark...
"
134241,"To my fellow graduates; don't you forget about me Just something to instil into your simple minds. I am *not* proud of this.
"
96820,"Him: You'll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
"
55449,"What is the main difference between real numbers and women? Real numbers having period are rational.
"
65188,"I put my middle finger up as soon as I start driving, and if another driver does something really good, I take it down for a second.
"
213828,"My mule is pretty lazy... ... Always doing half-assed work.
"
110890,"""""I'm so wasted!!"""" Vegetables in my refrigerator.
"
21096,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get some chicks. (nephew made this joke, he's 5 years old :o)
"
108961,"Why were the pirates on the ship fighting? They needed better anchor management.
"
138549,"How are beer nuts like deer nuts? You can find a small bag of each under a buck.
"
228677,"The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
"
63971,"Doctor Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts and here... it hurts and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me? You have a broken finger!
"
84188,"grandma! Mommy! Mommy!. I don't want to visit Gramma! She's cold,distant and she smells funny. """"Shut up and keep digging""""
"
44503,"What do you give a deer with an upset  stomach? Elkaseltzer.
"
178510,"Twitter, because my work isn't just going to ignore itself.
"
230412,"How did Mary fall off the swing? She had no arms
"
135271,"Did you hear about the mechanic who accidentally punctured the wheels of his car? He retired.
"
131045,"Two scientists walk into a bar... first one says I'll have H2o Second one says I'll have a H20 too. Then he dies
"
503,"How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? """"It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!""""
"
134666,"How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree? Wave at him
"
4561,"Friends are like trees They fall after being hit multiple times with an axe.
"
34780,"Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships Which got me thinking, Is it my wife or is it my girlfriend who is cheating?
"
202224,"What did the urban dog say to the other urban dog? Wad up Dawg?
"
107987,"2 Stormtrooper are eating a Wookie steak it was chewy
"
226676,"Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!
"
5750,"Shoutout to rattlesnakes and condoms... Because I don't fuck with either of them.
"
10347,"So my husband asked me if I anted a boob job... I replied """"How much does it pay?""""
"
158332,"The club can't even handle me right now. Like, the club's just had a very emotionally draining day and the club's been in a weird place.
"
18413,"What lottery did the broom win? The sweepstakes.
"
31953,"What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
"
180714,"Three Signs You're Getting Older I was told that there were three signs that you are getting older. The first is senility And I forget the other two.
"
178215,"Another friend of mine is a very successful  businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes  fifty-five million.
"
106167,"How do you stop a black guy from jumping on a bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
"
133042,"My ex-girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea.
"
184639,"Me: What do you want to be when you grow up? 2-year-old: An eagle! I'm going to save so much money on college.
"
135750,"""""Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don't we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?""""
"
220855,"What's the deference between and porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has its pricks on the outside
"
902,"When I was younger, I was given a choice: a good memory or a long dong. I can't remember which I chose.
"
77525,"Dead babies and rocks What is the difference between a dead baby and a rock? You can't Fuck a rock
"
81246,"Like every good global citizen I've reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they're on vacation
"
193909,"Muhammad The police would be upon him
"
222270,"They gave the scarecrow an award for being outstanding in his field. When he accepted the honor he pointed to his parents in the crowd and said, """"What can I say... Hay, it's in my jeans.""""
"
30511,"The rabbi really messed up that circumcision... It was a total rip-off.
"
76409,"How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea? Skates!
"
191410,"How do You find the worst joke of the internet? You reddit.
"
104218,"What's the difference between a ruble and a dollar? One dollar
"
129100,"How many women does it take to bring down Herman Cain? Nine-Nine-Nine
"
164140,"How many bitter Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None, we've decided to let a man do the job.
"
89516,"One of the best ways to disguise the sound of a fart is to do it during the 4 claps in the Friends theme song.
"
33218,"What's the best part about going in without a condom? The abortion.
"
40263,"What do you get when you cross an Italian with a gorilla? A retarded gorilla.
"
172568,"Why does the graveyard have fences? Because people were dying to get in!
"
85207,"How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.
"
130090,"How does a white girl prepare for the world? Basic training.
"
207446,"What idiot called it an auction instead of serious bidness?
"
136913,"What did the wife say as she left her Mexican husband? I'm sorry but I love another Juan.
"
141343,"How can you tell if you have a high sperm-count? if she has to chew before swallowing.
"
120209,"My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he's finished.
"
90000,"I fart, why..because it's the only gas I can afford.
"
23600,"What sounds like a frog but keeps me up all night? reddit
"
121834,"HER: You can't even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference. ME: Yes I Khan.
"
195762,"[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news...HOW contagious?
"
89499,"Why are there no Jewish male pedophiles? Because not even the pleasure of hard candy is enough to make them spend a dollar on grooming a child.
"
46014,"[bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
"
137567,"I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans. I find it lightens the mood.
"
230170,"What do you call your grandma on speed dial? Instragram!
"
84338,"how much wood would a wood chuck if Bruce Willis is the Ghost
"
217565,"[Ariel climbs Rapunzel's hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth] """"There can only be one socially awkward Princess,"""" she vows savagely.
"
24672,"Everyone one knows Nissan's Motorsport brand, NISMO.... But most forget Honda's brand, HOMO...it's pretty gay if you ask me...
"
23347,"What is the best cure for a headache? DECAPITATION!!!
"
137933,"Why wouldn't the skeleton go diving? He didn't have the guts for it.
"
64947,"What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? """"Quack! Quack! Quack!""""
"
7935,"An Irishman walks out of a bar.... What? It could happen.
"
164150,"When it comes to Russian Roulette .. .. 5/6 approve
"
112628,"When I was 18 I got Coal from Santa Yup, raising Cole as a single mom was a punishment for being bad, I guess.
"
115835,"Islamic state claimed responsibility for american presidential elections.
"
52072,"You know, you're not that bad looking -- for a fat-ass.
"
84415,"Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
"
151333,"There's a faggot in the trunk of my car. There were too many sticks in my front yard, so I'm dumping them in the woods.
"
59340,"Q: What did the head trauma patients do when the price of medicine went up? A: They went on stroke.
"
153440,"What's common between a good boyfriend and a lion? They're both ready to eat you
"
58441,"So a crossfitter, an atheist, and a vegan all walk into a bar How do I know? Because they told everyone in the place within 30 seconds
"
148921,"Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!
"
204785,"Have you ever heard of the exhausted frog? He was out of bounds
"
11531,"Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.
"
191208,"Actually Jesus wasn't the carpenter, Joseph was. You're thinking of the Carpenter's Monster
"
114,"lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
"
58914,"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
"
210129,"*watches soccer* *watches soccer* *watches soccer* *watches soccer* *has to pee* *watches soccer* *gets up to pee* *misses goal* :/
"
158835,"""""Walk it off"""" does not apply to everything. Stupidity, for example. You're not walking that shit off unless it's in to oncoming traffic
"
231163,"All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
"
190474,"Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple store? For the watch
"
18288,"Is that chili in your pocket, or are you just terrified to see me?
"
218422,"Show up late for a meeting and say, """"Sorry, I have the WORST hangover."""" Then, whip out a copy of """"The Hangover Part 2"""" and laugh and laugh.
"
101189,"Did you hear about the Make A Wish Foundation going bankrupt? Some kid wished for more wishes.
"
163751,"I really need to stop killing people I have a lot of skeletons in my closet.
"
64640,"Why couldn't the dolphin turn around in a hallway Because he was driving a tractor
"
23891,"What does one chauvinist say to the other? There's a thousand things I'd like to do in my life, and those are just the pretty ones!
"
164468,"What do The Walking Dead and Fast &amp; Furious have in common? dead walkers
"
83085,"Britain should have written a break up note """"It's not EU, it's me""""
"
119916,"Remember busy signals? Crazy times.
"
58380,"*opens camera app on phone* *35 cats scurry under the couch*
"
74801,"Think I've got the Windows 7 ADVANCED edition. It automatically created """".dust"""" files in my e-book folder.
"
192555,"A mother moth was telling her baby moth off  saying """"If you don't eat all your cotton you won't get any  satin.""""
"
82813,"Getting directions from Donald Trump is a lot like checking the hour on an analogue clock Always pay attention to where the little hand is pointing
"
191361,"What's Hitler's favourite cany? Nazipan
"
180240,"What's the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer Balls...they're under a buck
"
89340,"Helluva guy John is a hellava guy. Type of guy who goes out on a Friday night, gets a couple of blow jobs, comes back and gives his buddy one.
"
104125,"What's the difference between a radical and a moderate Muslim? A radical Muslim wants to cut your head off, but a moderate Muslim *wants* the radical Muslim to cut your head off. Bye.
"
6968,"Q:What happened when Smokey the Bear started the forest fire? A: He got arrested just like you would've.
"
183890,"Why did Sally the Sloth sleep in all day? Because her crippling depression leaves her unable to function properly.
"
10184,"So my great-grandpa died at Auschwitz.... An overused joke fell on top of him and crushed him.
"
195151,"I don't always roll a joint... ...but when I do, it's an ankle.
"
15484,"Whats worse, being a vegan inmate or non vegan? Or non vegan inmate* Depends on whether you want to eat meat or toss salad.
"
146516,"What do you call a flexible Rastafarian who lies a lot? Cinnamon twist
"
211141,"Threesome? No Thanks! If I wanted to dissapoint two people at once I would just have dinner with my parents
"
70276,"Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don't have any kids.
"
31735,"What kind of soda did Moses drink? Mountain Jew!
"
118780,"What do you call a North Korean Gorilla? King Kong Un (From my younger brother).
"
40928,"If someone feeds you alphabet soup... Is that putting words in your mouth? Also, if they are about to feed you and pull back, is that taking the words out of your mouth?
"
59401,"Girls want a Guy that's a gentleman and a Bad Ass! Girls want a guy that's a gentleman and a bad ass. On first dates, I wear a tuxedo and an eye patch!
"
79408,"The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they're in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
"
32315,"My doctor just told me I have Parkinson's... ...I'm pretty shaken up about it.
"
130857,"What do you call a dinosaur with a big penis? Megalodong.
"
5219,"Where do you see yourself in five years? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
"
168648,"[board meeting] """"So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?"""" """"I call it the 'Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower'."""" """"No.""""
"
114648,"Russian History in five words ...And then things got worse.
"
121741,"I got thirsty on the ride to the carnival But the punch line was impossible to find.
"
33090,"Q: What did the lightbulb say to its mother? A: I wuv you watts and watts.
"
95604,"Mother tells her computer geek son, """"Go get a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."""" So he goes, and returns with 6 cartons of milk.
"
198220,"Dear Abby, I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
"
186880,"Poor Chinese tourists have to buy souvenirs in other countries made by themselves in China.
"
198829,"Q: How do French poodles greet each other? A: Bone-jour.
"
184553,"Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.
"
154075,"We're so festive in Boston that we do the whole """"Don't drink the water"""" thing the entire week of Cinco de Mayo.
"
185790,"Where is the best place to hide a dead body? On the second page of a Google result.
"
137116,"If you think a minute goes by really fast you've never been on a treadmill.
"
105497,"Two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Bud dum tss.
"
118262,"I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
"
165830,"How do you burn a lot of calories at once? Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match
"
63160,"So Zayn quit the band? His life is obviously taking on a new direction...
"
163033,"Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. Im too lazy to do either.
"
192312,"How do you make a woman drive in a circle? Take away her rights.
"
48501,"I rang a gym yesterday and asked them if they could teach me to do the splits """"How flexible are you?"""" they asked """"Well I can't do Tuesday's""""
"
230009,"Some parents count to 10 to get their kids to behave. I use a similar technique where I string out crime scene tape and fire up a chainsaw.
"
61966,"Why are airplane crashes in the ocean so visible? They're plane to sea
"
47458,"How do normal people vs feminists laugh? Normal People: HeHeHe... Feminist: SheSheShe..
"
16363,"Can anyone teach me how to finger a minor? I need to work on my guitar skills.
"
21037,"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Gmmmppphh
"
72023,"My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
"
18993,"I don't want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
"
158329,"Two men walk into a bar. you think the second one would have seen it.
"
8482,"What is the rapper's favorite bread? 2 Grainz
"
42928,"My wife's cooking is so bad.... My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
"
175311,"What's the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same. Thought I would join the circlejerk.
"
121390,"I heard a Sean Connery film once got am R rating Because he said """"sit"""" too many times Edit: shit didn't proofread the title, *an* not *am*
"
143237,"The Truth About Math Math Mat Ma M Me Met Meth So now we know why Math is so mind f*cking
"
168540,"You drive a truck your whole life... and no one calls you a trucker; You suck one cock and all of a sudden you're a cocksucker!
"
80170,"How did the high speed car chase end? Caught eem! Hahaaa caught eem.
"
70171,"Love your parents. We are so busy growing up, we often forget they are also growing old.
"
31106,"Coming up short like.... ...a midget laying prone I'll be here all day posting jokes
"
147380,"Everybody was Kung Fu fighting. Except Gary. Gary was in your house going through your underwear drawer. He also kissed your cat.
"
15602,"What do call it when actor Charles Dance tries to flirt? Dance moves.
"
45669,"What do you call a fat psychic? A large. (Because medium)
"
137023,"What do you call an all black sorority? A minority
"
28905,"Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
"
56918,"The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat!
"
214611,"Bob's volunteered to give a C programming workshop but needs a topic Give that man some pointers
"
228786,"Does """"You'll find love when you're not looking for it"""" apply to money too? Because let me be clear I am NOT looking for $10 million dollars.
"
165638,"i take my gf on a balloon ride to propose. a field of wild flowers spells Women Are Crooks. """"oops sorry."""" i apologize. """"that ones for my dad
"
122148,"Kidnapper: Pay up or I'll leak your nudes Me: So what? K: Then I'll tweet your drafts M: Ok don't do anything crazy we can work this out
"
23186,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Mick Jagger Barbie ...Mick with Barbie's head...but Mick's lips
"
153862,"Yo mama's so fat... Yo mama's so fat that we had to put the real joke in the comments.
"
164891,"What's red and unhealthy for your teeth? A brick.
"
148753,"I hit the snooze button so many times this morning I think we might be engaged now
"
138348,"Just had a food baby, but I'm not ready for that type of responsibility so I flushed it
"
25375,"Q: Why do Polish names end in """"ski"""" ? A: Because they can't spell tobbagan.
"
184795,"How do you get a woman to scream twice? You do her in the ass, then wipe it off on the drapes.
"
123656,"How do moms in west Virginia know their daughter started her period? Her son's dick tasted like blood.
"
53965,"I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality... ...but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
"
66454,"Asian Jokes are just wong
"
51607,"Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.
"
219475,"I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I'm in a t-shirt while she's rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
"
44720,"What I hate about pasta is how they change the shape and act like it's a different food. I'm out to expose the fraud.
"
46814,"What do philosophical dolphins say? What's the porpoise?
"
137918,"Snail 1: Are you male or female? Snail 2: Yes Snail 1: Me too! [they kiss passionately]
"
93903,"a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
"
224080,"Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I'm all like, """"No."""" [rises from chair] NO.
"
194392,"What's your favourite colour? I love green 'cos it reminds me of blue.
"
223811,"What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? """"Halloumi""""
"
221694,"Beef Jerky Did you hear about that new kind of Porno where a slut from Vietnam gives a cow a hand job? It's called Beef Jerky. http://earlmcgerd.tumblr.com/
"
45529,"I just made a scathing video mocking the Amish I can't wait till they see it
"
56097,"You don't have to study for a pregnancy test... but I have heard there's a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam.
"
117171,"Have you ever walked into a room and forgot what you went in for? I done it the other day, I walked in and completely forgot why - my mind went blank. 3 seconds later I shat myself.
"
5479,"What does my ex and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up cunts.
"
112553,"How many black people does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3/5
"
163276,"If you're only18, please don't tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
"
80485,"Who doesn't want to be a millionaire? Well, certainly not a billionaire.
"
121359,"How do you turn an airliner into a boat? #**Allahu Ackbar!**
"
182942,"Why was the skeleton missing a funny bone Because this joke ain't funny
"
46801,"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere
"
155404,"Why can't anxious people walk on tight ropes? Because they're too high-strung. Corny I know, but I wrote it myself and had to put it out there.
"
22502,"Why is the blood of christ wine? Because he drank religiously
"
193437,"I like my politicians like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.
"
157611,"How do you make a little boy cry twice? Rub your bloody dick on his teddy bear. (think about it)
"
15848,"What's the best thing about having sexy with twenty one year olds? There's twenty of 'em. edit: autocorrect is a bitch - we all know what it should say.
"
22465,"My grandpa said that this generation relies too much on technology. I told him his generation relied on it more. Then I unplugged his life support.
"
227164,"Three legged dog A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: """"I'm lookin' for the man who executed my father.""""
"
208404,"There was an old man from Peru... whose limericks all end on line two.
"
83684,"What cheese do hunters use to goad a bear out from its cave in the winter? Camenbert
"
64733,"Based on the novel 'Push Notifications' by iSapphire
"
138281,"Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
"
66580,"I was gonna open a clothing store for midgets... ... but the market was too small.
"
229334,"I never thought I'd be drowning in a river. I think I was in the Nile
"
152499,"I like my women like I like my coffee. Irish.
"
211706,"""""Let's get down to business!"""" -Guy who enjoys dancing to the background noises of a local business
"
150571,"I went to Thailand... Saw a hot girl in the bar. I kept telling myself """"don't get a erection, don't get a erection"""". After 5 mins, it happened.. She got a erection
"
224007,"Gay jokes aren't funny! I mean...Come on guys!
"
29882,"I stole a futon from a shop. I think the police are after me, so I have been lying low.
"
184213,"Some people hate the thought of adult diapers.... But I say, """"It's just Depends.""""
"
204133,"When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mum said, """"Just use a fcuking spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi.""""
"
149481,"Christmas lights remind me of some people I know. They all hang out together, half the fuckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright!!!!
"
6756,"I'm recovering from necrophilia and beastiality... I would tell you about it, but I'd be beating off a dead horse.
"
46656,"Why did santa and Mrs. Claus go to marriage counseling? Santa only cums once a year.
"
106153,"When everyone is sharing the jokes of the day on Facebook but... You already reddit
"
150315,"Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seat-belt. Credit goes to some caller on the Dean Blundell show. I couldn't make that up
"
124658,"Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.
"
99868,"I sprayed Taylor Swift's new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby's.
"
21382,"""""Why does the Mexican Olympic Team suck?"""" """"Because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already here, raping and killing Americans"""" -Donald Trump
"
161807,"At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
"
41402,"The best pirate joke(in your best pirate voice): What is a pirates favorite letter? Every body says its the """"R"""" but it is actually the """"C.""""
"
222831,"Why do rpg characters like potions so much? Because they're always the life of the party!
"
5206,"Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river? Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!
"
19449,"I told my wife I didn't want to watch Kevin Heart's Seriously Funny because he is a sellout """"Not compared to Kevin Durant!"""" She laughed. True story.
"
166930,"What's the difference between a scout boy and a jew? The scout boy comes home from camp.
"
15212,"RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom
"
20391,"When I woke up this morning, the garbage disposal was making a funny noise. Turns out he was just masturbating in the next room.
"
12426,"Damn girl, you give people cancer. Because you're shining like the sun.
"
119332,"Latvian man walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, """"Why so long face?"""" Latvian say, """"I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.""""
"
7410,"If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it's because they've just killed someone right?
"
12959,"Dentist: """"When was the last time you flossed?"""" Me: """"BRO, you were there.""""
"
156732,"You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . . me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
"
162599,"Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can't use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
"
36169,"Why are people in jail always mad? Because they are constantly butt-hurt.
"
97984,"How Many Tourettes Sufferers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? Penis.
"
21379,"Me: Better late than never! Wife: ... M: Seeing red? W: ... M: Go with the flow! W: ... M: I'll go buy tampons. W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
"
156885,"THE HUMAN BODY 12 Wildly inconsistent design. Leaks fluids. Zero protection from drop damage. Can be killed by bees/peanuts. NOT RECOMMENDED
"
5989,"If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.
"
210841,"What happens when a Jewish man with an erection walks into a wall? He breaks his nose.
"
64676,"4th of july British people say that we as Americans go overboard with the 4th of July. When really the only thing that went overboard was their tea
"
61007,"How do you call it when a girl kicks a boy in the groin during the first date? Premature emasculation.
"
26575,"Shout out to octopi. The spiders of the sea since 1981.
"
126020,"If you still talk about it, you still care about it.
"
194090,"Speech Joke. Why shouldn't you eye-fuck someone? Because there is a chance you will get visual aids.
"
121631,"Why would I be a horrible magician? Cuz I'll fuck a trick up.
"
207973,"What's the difference between committing seppuku and impaling yourself with a sword? They're the same thing but committing seppuku comes with a little twist.
"
81407,"A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
"
221594,"eating cereal in the shower isn't saving me as much time as i thought.
"
180266,"Where do pirates store their files? On their RRRRRRR drive.
"
198412,"Real chemist never dies ...just stops reacting.
"
54779,"After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty ended up having a great fall.
"
177458,"What killed the guy ordering at an Italian restaurant? He'd had trouble deciding to go with the appetizers or entrees, but eventually he went antipasto way.
"
81243,"My girlfriend, concerned, asked me if I'm an alcoholic. I said """"Of course not sweetie."""" """"Alcoholics go to meetings.""""
"
182986,"Doctor: I have two bad news for you. Doctor: The first one is that you have cancer. Patient: whats the second one then? Doctor: you also have alzheimer's. Patient: well at least I dont have cancer
"
89449,"What is the difference between a 14 year old boy in the U.S. and one in Mexico? A 14 year old boy in the U.S. is a freshman and one in Mexico is a senor
"
30285,"I'll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
"
69584,"If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save? Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
"
181765,"What did the mom say when she found out her son was going to be a evil spy? Abort mission!
"
218183,"Since I'm home alone tonight, I'm carrying around the biggest kitchen knife I could find. You know, to stab any murderers who come for me.
"
91266,"So I asked my North Korean friend how his life was going He said """"Can't complain"""".
"
16527,"Why did the dog's friends send her home from the bar when she started to act strange? They thought she might have been slipped a woofie.
"
27733,"Not sure if my bed is calling me or if its the girl I left handcuffed all day
"
183038,"[job interview] """"Under skill it says nicknames?"""" """"You know it Sex Dragon."""" """"Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?""""
"
135914,"I don't know how to act my age I've never been this old before.
"
158490,"Four word joke Boy scouts. Girl guides.
"
31037,"[Commercial for lawnmowers] [Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden] *Stabs a long sword into the grass* """"There has to be a better way""""
"
12591,"Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I'm going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
"
151432,"My friend told me he was flying on a plane for the first time. I told him to have a blast.
"
144439,"Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she's had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she's talking about right now
"
202895,"*dresses like a kitty* *climbs tree* *waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
"
48870,"""""Annie are you ok?"""" -yep """"Are you ok?"""" -dude, I just said yes """"Are you ok Annie?"""" -THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
"
131737,"What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? About halfway
"
219569,"Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
"
8753,"A conservative is beating a liberal in a debate [removed]
"
35703,"I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.
"
180081,"Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
"
227054,"How many developers does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a hardware problem.
"
37218,"What's the differce between a black guy and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four!
"
210666,"What goes """"Tick Tock, woof woof""""? A watchdog.
"
179016,"So I was applying for Art school... I made sure to remind them what happened when Hitler wasn't accepted to art school.
"
214475,"Im voting Hillary Clinton this year. Because she dosnt suck
"
214586,"The Social Justice League doesn't have a Batmobile They have a tumbler.
"
49910,"What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it? Au-burn ^He^^He^^^He^^^^He
"
91754,"A black father asks his son how his exam went But the visiting hours finished before he could answer.
"
62758,"Jet Steel can't melt dank memes
"
189804,"A Roman walks into a bar Holds up two fingers and says five beers please.
"
206069,"How does a ninja shop for groceries? No one knows.
"
122839,"Why couldn't the laptop go to sleep? Because it has two shifts.
"
82502,"Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I'm definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
"
50973,"Have you heard of drooling Jesus? He's offering salivation.
"
44392,"Why did the vulture have to check some luggage at the gate? It was only allowed one piece of carrion.
"
134778,"Want to hear a joke about Jonestown? Nevermind, the punchline is too long.
"
67764,"My ex talked me into marriage I mean, she was my girlfriend before she became my wife
"
192961,"Have you heard that there's a new  mountain website? Really? I must take a peak at it!
"
159239,"After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it's still January so it's super cold out and I have considerate eyes.
"
71762,"A giraffe was at an airport security check line. The security guy asked """"Is that your laptop?"""". The giraffe replied """"I thought you would never ask.""""
"
178974,"What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A PILOT, YOU RACIST!
"
1287,"BUSINESS IDEA: CinnaBon-Iver. Delicious pastries filled with scarf scraps and broken pieces of wind chimes.
"
60421,"What do you call it when thieves in a metal boat steal your fool's gold? Iron Pirate
"
12186,"My dad once said 'why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids and not the other way around?' I still laugh...
"
23514,"Did you hear about that girl in the terrible car accident the other day? Her entire left side had to be amputated. She's all right now.
"
214606,"[high school sex ed class] *scoffs* When are we ever going to use this in real life
"
148044,"Why did the chicken cross the road? It saw a cock!
"
36444,"What does Captain Falcon say when he goes to Starbucks? """"Show me your brews!""""
"
22120,"My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey's Anatomy......so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
"
107898,"Just found out that McDonald's is serving all-day breakfast ... ... all day breakfast? I don't have that kind of time.
"
89853,"Do you have something against black people?!?!!? Yes, an alarm system.
"
204781,"Knock Knock who's there? -it's a-me -Amy who? -it's a-me Mario.
"
85632,"Policeman: Did you know your vehicle was reported stolen? Criminal: It wasn't when I took it.
"
51908,"I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. Apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
"
129449,"I swallowed two pieces of string last night and this morning they came out of my ass tied together I shit you knot
"
218471,"I cant believe I forgot to go to the gym this morning. That's 7 years in a row now.
"
183898,"What's Funnier then an Obama Joke? DEZ NUTZ!!!
"
109812,"My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car and she wanted me to drive -The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)
"
186355,"my wife tried to tell me that I'm in denial... So I told her to go back to school and learn geography because I'm standing nowhere near a river in Egypt
"
219538,"What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph, because he's not big enough to be an ese.
"
40777,"So a guy named Steve asked how well he did during making an Apple product. """"You did good Job!"""" Sad the person he asked.
"
128343,"I told my friend to not worry about being hungry at the beach. Because of all the sand which is there.
"
88580,"What's an Australian kiss? The same thing as a French kiss, except it's Down Under.
"
29394,"A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop There is de brie everywhere!
"
158903,"how does a robot laugh? 1010101010101
"
169473,"Why did the skeleton burp in the church ? He didn't have the guts to fart
"
7539,"It's been a big year for my ten-year-old. Two months ago, he attended his first confession.... .... It took the cops four hours to break him. He's got some willpower, that kid!
"
60539,"Joke What did the one Angel say to the other? """"Halo""""
"
14173,"My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I'm not buying it as I don't think she can even say, """"Please kick me in the face"""".
"
2339,"I went to the doctor yesterday I told him my penis suddenly turned into a tiny green ball. He said I may have peacock syndrome.
"
91852,"Did you hear about the two gay truckers? They exchanged loads
"
139548,"Here's a FedEx joke http://imgur.com/UiGwU3e
"
88931,"Changing a light. How many niggers does it take to change a lightbulb? 2, one to drive the pink caddy and the other to change the light.
"
163008,"If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say """"It's on the house.""""
"
61237,"Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute? It opens on impact.
"
141571,"How do you stop a Mexican tank? Shoot the people pushing it.
"
41284,"The French police raid in one day killed more than my guild does all week.
"
182055,"I visited Canada and got an STD Hepatitis A.
"
42991,"I snore at night, so I bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for my wife to shove in her ears.
"
86637,"Why did the elephant paint its nails red? So it could hide in the strawberry patch.... Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? No? See, it worked!
"
198685,"TIL that the Beatles had to change the lyrics to Hello Goodbye because it was too """"british"""". The original was """"Oi Mate Piss Off""""
"
43463,"If you're buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it's probably because he bought is his condoms there too.
"
202851,"The next time you make fun of a ginger, put yourself in their shoes. You'll know how bad it hurts to not have a sole.
"
13204,"What do you call a fat cow..? Your mum
"
98106,"No prosecuting Trespassers will be violated
"
36714,"Who was the first person Aaron Hernandez called after the shooting? Wes Welker. Everyone knows you need a white Bronco to get away with murder.
"
14361,"This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
"
45771,"Knock, knock. Who's there? Owls. Owls who? Yes. Yes they do.
"
198535,"I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
"
2335,"What do you call the 1 yard line at the Super Bowl? ...A running play - Obviously...
"
98811,"What did one hungry unborn baby say to the other? Fetus
"
131976,"What is Pedobear's favorite time of the day? When the big hand touches the little hand.
"
93087,"Parents My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist. For most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.
"
125688,"What did Sonic say during Ramadan? """"Gotta go fast!""""
"
200381,"I'm not racist but... racist people are.
"
218945,"Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey? Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
"
55898,"What has 5 teeth and 60 eyes? A bus full of old people
"
169939,"that sad moment when you return to your normal life after watching an awesome movie
"
13999,"You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?
"
224090,"A nice one (maybe repost) I don't smoke, I don't drink, I never swear and - Oh shit my cigaette fell into my beer!
"
125967,"My lawyer friend loves board games... ...but he has been sad lately, ever since he started that Risk-free 30-day trial.
"
228281,"I'd rather pick my nose in traffic than arrive at my destination with a crusty booger. Anyone who says different is a liar.
"
160172,"Why are men sexier than women? Because you can't spell sexy without XY
"
164015,"pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..
"
222706,"Adding a smiley face after anything makes things seem playful. Examples: You're a slut:) You're ugly:) I killed your puppy:)
"
26004,"What's the difference between yogurt and America? Yogurt could develop a culture after 200 years
"
179656,"I want to start a show about businesses in my neighborhood called, """"HOW IS IT STILL OPEN??!""""
"
186571,"How do Frenchmen share files? Pierre to Pierre.
"
59203,"Who took care of German army dogs after the war? Veteran Aryans
"
70168,"Why did Little Johnny drop his ice cream? He got hit by a truck...
"
205684,"Whats similar with a Dick and a Rubik Cube? If you play with it, it gets harder...
"
141193,"Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish and you feed him for the rest of his life.
"
3918,"When people ask how I got the latest movies on my computer.. I respond by telling them my lovely bay with hella booty gives them to me.arggg
"
106861,"How gays decide who will be on the top? With a swordfight.
"
69108,"I hate when you tell someone you're bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you're not quite that bored.
"
34726,"I told my dad I'm HIV Positive He replied """"Hi HIV positive, I'm dad!""""
"
187480,"What did the libertarian shirt say when it was thrown into the washing machine? AM I BEING DE-STAINED?!
"
163114,"I once walked in on my brother having sex with my girlfriend. Needless to say I deflated her and threw her in the trash.
"
156129,"So i was at lunch with a small girl she kept complainin bout how she wanted vanilla ice cream so i said this girl like ice cream cuz she as white as vanilla!
"
22849,"My school janitor is a part-time pianist. He has 88 keys.
"
214047,"Woman driver is like a star on the sky You see her, she doesn't see you.
"
133210,"My friends got tired of the """"Chinese Fire Drill"""". Instead, we shout """"Triangle Fire Drill"""", lock the car doors and scream until we reach our destination.
"
168525,"My church's priest said today, """"You know, sodomy is frowned upon by the church"""" """"So you better not tell your fucking parents"""".
"
71877,"It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance. I really shouldn't be a paramedic.
"
3398,"What is it that is yours , but others use it more than you ? Your name
"
210423,"I went to the library and tried to take home a book on suicide The librarian said """"fuck off, you won't bring it back!""""
"
19431,"The Irishman's dilemma. Do you eat the potatoes now or do you let them ferment so you can drink them later?
"
85212,"I can't sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I'm an owl.
"
69388,"In the time it took me to RT in Favstar I could have written the tweet in calligraphy and hand delivered it to all 7600 of my followers.
"
57252,"""""Of course you're the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder"""" - alcohol
"
217390,"9gag anyone?
"
78994,"If there is anything in this world to be happy about... Just be glad that the tastebuds are at the front end.
"
59123,"Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
"
111306,"Went to my daughter's netball finals yesterday. What a semi.
"
114512,"Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military  action in Bosnia? A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
"
134912,"I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.
"
190361,"I put the ogle in Google image search.
"
182046,"Government - 'Um, we're having big issues with tax evasion. People are stashing away notes with large denominations.' Modi: 'Have you tried turning them off and and on again?'
"
52429,"""""Dad, did you ever fall in love with a teacher?"""" """"Yes son , with the kindergarden teacher."""" """"Then what happened?"""" """"Well, your mom caught us and we had to send you to a new school.""""
"
171198,"There's two things I hate in this world 1) People who can't count
"
197297,"*turns on shower* *shower whispers """"eat donuts for breakfast"""" & """"get drunk tonight""""* Me: Wow, that's some serious water pressure
"
179438,"These Hoes Ain't Royals, said Chris Brown, pointing at Lorde and her friends.
"
97538,"The best part about twitter is that it is completely satisfying on a deep emotional level and in no way makes me feel empty inside.
"
82563,"What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor.
"
48339,"Google News now awards """"Badges"""" for viewing stories. Also, remember: if you manage to finish one novel without pictures,...you get ice cream!
"
4688,"What do you call a musical wreath made from $100 bills? Aretha Franklins
"
229865,"Girl, you gotta be tired coz you been runnin through my mind all day. Note to self, stop saying that pickup lines to the girls in wheelchairs.
"
207450,"[politics] I think Trump settled the whole """"tiny hands equals small penis"""" argument today... It must take a pretty massive dick to fuck the entire world at once
"
13490,"Was JFK born in USA? Doubtful, he sounds Kennedyan!
"
166674,"ATTN: I'm looking for a new girlfriend Are you: 1. Between the age of 11-69? 2. Mostly female? 3. Trained to poop outside? DM for details
"
1087,"Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
"
70223,"Bras come in sizes A, B, C, etc. So what's the biggest bra? The Zebra.
"
217828,"What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? Nobody's ever paid money to have a lentil on their face.
"
166495,"How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick.
"
206618,"Whose fault is it that California always has earthquakes? San Andreas fault.
"
224533,"The Donald walked into a bar.. by accident. Turned out to be a gay bar. Everyone came up trumps.
"
216256,"Why not call baby pigs """"hamlets"""" ?
"
174049,"Chili today, Hot tamale.
"
189794,"How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. But everyone's got an opinion.
"
77214,"whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)
"
21330,"What do you call a circumcision for a dollar? A rip off!
"
38453,"Sex is like Kebab. When it's good, it's really good... ...and when I'm drunk I'm willing to pay for it in a roadside turkish buffet.
"
30321,"Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick into someones ass.
"
47287,"How do you fit 100 dead babies in a barrel? with a blender. How do you get them out? With a straw.
"
95885,"This month is called """"February,"""" that stuff is called """"snow"""" and unless you live in what's called the """"tropics,"""" drop the shock and awe.
"
222341,"Treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag
"
56494,"Maybe the Mayans were talking about hockey
"
71078,"The last stall in the bathroom at work Has a really, noisy creaky door when you open it. There's some scary shit going on in there.......
"
29771,"The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
"
86934,"What has 10 letters and starts with Gas? Automobile! Everyone says gasoline because they don't think about it.
"
156945,"Did you hear the one about the amber alert? Neither did the children in my basement.
"
196140,"Me:I think I just saw the main guy from Transformers you know, ol' what's his name Friend: Shia Lebouff Me: Yeah, the one whose a truck
"
125342,"SWJ goes to the laundromat . . . . . . . . and is appalled by everybody being ok with separating whites from coloreds.
"
8829,"Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test? Because its period came too late.
"
211145,"answer This is too all high school teacher, What is the worst thing that you've seen your student doing?
"
141789,"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
"
81610,"So a jewish boy walks into a bar mitzvah
"
105962,"Anyone want to hear a really Nepalling joke about an earthquake? Oh. Nvm...
"
110376,"What happens when Kim Jong-un gets sick? He turns into Kim Jong-ill!
"
20581,"'Failed to send tweet,' is Twitter's polite way of saying, 'Dude..'
"
119699,"So I bought the new cod game. Best fishing simulator ever.
"
124462,"I hate it when homeless people shake their cups with change in it at me I get it, you have more money than me so stop showing off
"
212608,"So, today I woke up and asked my UK counterpart... """"Did you have eggs and bacon with your Brexit this morning?""""
"
168895,"BOSS: why are you so late? ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
"
153980,"First Caribou: What well-known cartoon character do moths like a hole lot? Second Caribou: Micky Moth!
"
133090,"One beer please! *This is Starbucks!* Oh, my fault, I'm Bill.
"
13563,"""""Hey I like you"""" """"I like you too"""" """"Let's lick the inside of each other's mouths to express our love"""" """"Yeah that's not weird. Let's do that""""
"
47754,"What do you call the ring that worms leave round  the bath ? The scum of the earth !
"
91033,"What's a duck's favorite drug? Quack.
"
159746,"Two penguins are chilling in Antarctica. One turns to the other and says, """"Yo, it's really fucking cold."""" The other quickly looks at the penguin and exclaims, """"Oh my god! You can talk!""""
"
57690,"So I found out today that I have Alzheimer's...
"
152453,"How do you start a baby shower? Throw it into a wood chipper.
"
168461,"My pharmacist thinks I'm a pedophile. He keeps putting labels on my pills telling me to keep away from children.
"
13247,"We can't afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we're going to take them to an IKEA instead.
"
8887,"While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
"
134106,"I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said """"This is what happens to roses who cross me""""
"
222541,"Husband's note on refrigerator for wife: Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn't know you liked beer.
"
118364,"Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa? I thought he didn't care about the 1%
"
156033,"At the touch of her lips, it grew hard an swollen... I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I d ever seen.
"
112808,"If at first you don't succeed Then skydiving isn't for you.
"
152986,"Hey baby are you a unbalanced equation? Because I think I need more of U! Edit 1: Also sorry for the bad grammar in the title sadly I cannot change it...
"
26152,"Why was Jared Fogle upset? Because he was sentenced to over 15 years in prison.
"
80954,"Metapod really loves eating Margarine on his pokefood. Since its butterfree.
"
121622,"[after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
"
210081,"I need a guy who's cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
"
71821,"""""Whoo, take off your tits!"""" -confused pervert
"
98539,"How do you fit 4 gay men on a barstool? Flip it over.
"
17119,"Marvel announce the new Thor is female, to show that women are equal. Issue 1 sees Thor return the hammer back to her husband's toolbox.
"
32895,"When asked why he swallowed so much jizz, Rod Stewart would only say: """"My heart can't tell me no""""
"
144222,"We really need to respect organ donors... It takes guts to do what they do! (I'm sorry)
"
125081,"Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: """"We are pressed in every way but not cramped beyond movement.""""
"
144642,"99 Homes was originally a movie about Mexican gangsters
"
42463,"what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?
"
127886,"Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they're full.
"
169521,"I currently live in a college apartment with four other dudes... we go through toilet paper like Hitler went through the Jews
"
153144,"What's the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls? There's only one you can unload with a pitchfork. Edit: Who said something about dead babies?
"
142108,"[at Eminem show] Cuz I am / whatever you say I am / [from crowd] """"Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!"""" The shapeshifting continues for hours.
"
18030,"Today I went down on my girlfriend Period.
"
116217,"Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they'll mace and taser you. In that order.
"
1608,"[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank] Why do you think people hate us so much? """"Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.""""
"
20010,"If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can't be left alone with your best looking cousin.
"
228622,"What's white, but has a black asshole? The Whitehouse.
"
38151,"Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: Because they don't know where home is.
"
209621,"Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows.
"
101834,"My mum says I need to get rid of my blow up sex doll. I don't want to let her down.
"
58084,"My favorite pirate joke (no arrr) Say it out loud. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? I'm 80!
"
151318,"Will is weary of fame Will runs away to the woods Will dons a loincloth Will eats bugs & berries Will befriends a bear Will Ferrell
"
215959,"Why is Ireland so rich? Because their capital is always Dublin.
"
62555,"Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust... Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust, exclaiming: """"I can't believe it's February and I'm still writing B.C. on all of my checks!""""
"
139796,"Hey U.S.: if every now and then I heard a """"God PLEASE bless America"""", maybe you'd have better luck. #manners
"
146554,"After the Heimlich maneuver what's the best way to stop someone from choking? To pull it out.
"
88584,"Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field. From: http://www.dadlaughs.com
"
191274,"Knock knock. Who's there? April Fool day :)
"
125553,"Apple Products My friend asked me why I don't like Apple products. Told her that the cables remind me of my ex-gf, white and kink-free.
"
225820,"How to make your wife take care while driving? Tell her that if she meets with a serious accident, the newspaper will have to print her age.
"
33452,"How do you now when somebody is retarded on Facebook? Well, its complicated.
"
198740,"Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was """"reduced fat"""" so basically it was like going to the gym.
"
55094,"Does Rapunzel use the shampoo """"Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.""""
"
49296,"What do racists say during sex? """"Hard R! HARD R!""""
"
201597,"What do you say to encourage someone who is masturbating? You do you!
"
30110,"why didn't Hitler pass algebra? He didn't know the final solution.
"
55847,"What do you call a vaping vegan?1 Nothing! It isn't like you'll be able to get a word in!
"
31297,"Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
"
143422,"Bert walks up to Ernie and asks, """"Ernie, you want some ice cream?"""" Ernie says, """"Sure, Bert!""""
"
141609,"I'm not judging you, I'm just trying to guess what medications you're on.
"
43850,"Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
"
116063,"Why did Santa bring his sack with him when starring in the pantomime? He wanted to have some stage presents.
"
52038,"What goes stomp, stomp, stomp, squish? An elephant with a wet boot
"
147979,"[Ice Cream Truck] John Cena: I'll take an Icee, please. Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You? Cena: *grabs driver's shirt* No, you can't.
"
20851,"Kid: Dad, a girl called me ugly, how long does ugly last.. Dad:Hey hun Mom:Yes? Dad: How old are you? Mom: 45 Dad:theres your answer kid
"
71204,"This woman walked into a bar... and asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave it to her.
"
71560,"How do Orcs eat their food? By goblin it down.
"
73664,"An Englishman walks into a pole... He tells him, """"Get the fuck out of my country""""
"
162403,"Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? They had a lawn-distance relationship.
"
124433,"""""Hey Iron Man, how'd you get your powers?"""" *flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*
"
29720,"DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point
"
83299,"Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.
"
106948,"Me: I have to lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise everyday. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym. Me: Is that cake?
"
1046,"I am sick and tired of women jokes!! period!
"
14927,"What snakes are good at sums ? Adders !
"
203751,"What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep
"
219770,"My professor just told the WORST physics joke What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito? Nothing, cause you can't cross a scalar and a vector!
"
5024,"Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom's boyfriend Craig won't let me call him Dad when we hug?
"
7663,"Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn't matter, just get out.
"
135844,"The Nietzsche Family Circus random generator
"
169963,"[NSFW] Why do the things Donald Trump says always sound fishy? Melania needs to douche.
"
102414,"what do you call a woman with one leg I-lean Just heard it!
"
175182,"An xbox and a ps4 were attacked .. here comes the ambulance WII U WII U WII U
"
66637,"I did a theatrical performance about puns.. Really it was just a play on words.
"
122426,"When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee That's a moray.
"
82025,"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cart has claws at the end of its paws. A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. Edit: spelling
"
201358,"Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
"
211830,"How many dead babies can you fit in a phone booth? 78.5
"
210069,"Long visits to nature linked to improved mental health, study finds. According to new research by Australian and UK environmental scientists. Who obviously didn't poll women on Tinder.
"
84793,"A little advice on poetry..... If you don't know if you like a poem or not just perform the ex lax test. See if it moves you
"
111838,"Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
"
41034,"Knock Knock. """"Who's there?"""" """"Kenya."""" """"Kenya who?"""" """"Kenya let me the fuck in?!?""""
"
124475,"16 sodium atoms walk into a bar...... followed by batman!.... Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
"
79103,"What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.
"
192503,"Phew, don't have to think of a catchy title today Why is Monica so exited for the next Clinton presidency? This time she won't have to swallow.
"
194881,"Heard the one about the corduroy pillowcase? It's making headlines.
"
12238,"My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing.
"
9003,"There's no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I'll just go for it.
"
207830,"Why do you never see black people on cruises? They're not falling for that one again!!
"
15594,"What kind of fish will help you hear better ?  A herring aid !
"
200154,"How can you tell if someone is from Texas? ...Oh don't worry , they'll tell you
"
86657,"My mom always said I was like a punctuation mark I am an exclamation mark when I should have just been a period.
"
97358,"Meant to tell my daughter """"Good night, I love you,"""" but it came out as """"Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit""""
"
210670,"What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..? Kill Bill.
"
223940,"Did you know pillows have their own website? Really? Well you could knock me down with a feather!
"
20981,"Who will take the second shot in this snooker game? Find out after the break.
"
206191,"If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge....Like by poisoning their food.
"
76915,"75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
"
21170,"Did you know that dogs can't get MRI's? only cat's can
"
124135,"All my punishment tactics against my 8 year old were in vain until I threatened to transfer her most valued Pokemon to the Professor
"
226333,"Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... your one of them.
"
172501,"""""I'm laying by the pool. Better take a picture of my legs and post it on the internet."""" - girls
"
10992,"How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh, wait. That's a hardware problem. [source](http://nerdfighteria.info/video/54/Zrnd63DAH8o)
"
77161,"People never point out how awesome Meth is for weight loss.
"
230129,"Give me my Money!! How do you make a Hormone-- Don't pay her!
"
135161,"My roommate gets angry when I steal their kitchen utensils It's a whisk I'm willing to take
"
76498,"Who were the shortest people in the Bible? Let's see. There'sKneehighmiah, Bildad the Shoe-Height...oh, and Peter, who said, """"Silver andgold I have none,"""" and no one could be much shorter than that.
"
12303,"My password is my pussy Because apparently my dick isn't long enough
"
195865,"What do you call a weed smoker with abs? A Narc.
"
155826,"What do you call a camel with no humps? *Humphrey!*
"
201506,"What did JayZ say to the theoretical mathematician? I feel sorry for you son, I got 99 problems but you got imaginary ones
"
44693,"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the """"P"""" is silent.
"
180088,"Yo momma jokes are old, common and used by everyone. Just like yo momma.
"
13711,"One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
"
170789,"Why did the drunk fall asleep at the wheel? He needed a place to crash.
"
86386,"Whenever I have sex, it's always a race to see who cums first.... Me or the police.
"
25650,"16 sodium atoms walk into a bar. They were followed by batman.
"
26374,"I'm returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful. """"Sir, that's a loofah."""" Oh. I'm returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
"
189332,"My pick-up line """"Hey girl are you a fallen angel? Because your face looks like it hit concrete.""""
"
183861,"If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you'll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
"
26125,"Did you hear about the blind man walking past the fishmonger's? """"Hello ladies""""
"
111625,"Why is the Pharaoh a rare tuba player? Because he Toots Uncommon.
"
46870,"What is Oscar Pistorius's new favourite band? Bullets For My Valentine
"
200166,"People admit to shopping for their girlfriends/wives all the time... but when I do it I get busted for ~~prostitution~~ human trafficking.
"
215652,"If you have 100$, and your girlfriend has 100$. Your girlfriend has 200$
"
52917,"Friends are like snow when you pee on them, they disappear.
"
127740,"""""Whoever smelt it, dealt it"""" - a handy tip when trying to track down large metal suppliers.
"
101376,"So a horse walks in to a bar... ...and the bartender says, """"Why the long face?""""
"
130076,"Why did the Aggie take a golf club and a baseball glove storm chasing with him?  -To golf the golf ball size hail and catch the baseball size hail
"
188144,"Why does everyone love Plato? Because he loved Dogs and he had two sons named Plato and Socrates
"
165299,"It was awkward when she said, """"And yet your feet are so big.""""
"
49440,"Why do women wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
"
153001,"Do not go golfing with Admiral Ackbar. All he does is obsess about the location of sand hazards.
"
83921,"Just walked by a senior center celebrating pride... ... It looked like they were having a gay old time
"
204197,"The bottle said to apply liberally So I bitched and complained the whole time I used it.
"
230835,"What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone? Shelfies.
"
214009,"I didn't see my face anywhere as a kid... ...then I realised it was right under my nose the whole time!
"
92612,"Why does Santa have a garden? So he can hoe-hoe-hoe! ^^^^^That's_a_knee_slapper...
"
161379,"A plane full of lawyers die in a crash. thats the joke.
"
153916,"Be great if just once the winning actor was like """"I mean it wasn't a particularly strong group this year, but still.""""
"
230349,"Hungary's goalkeeper Gabor Kiraly's sweatpants are looking so sexy that you can go to second round with them.
"
698,"Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.
"
214710,"What did a Vegetarian Cannibal eat? Stephen Hawking.
"
216270,"A hamburger walks into a bar The bartender says we don't serve food here!
"
122337,"What is it called when two celebrities are fighting? Star wars.
"
90481,"Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog probably just thinks, Awesome, now we're both barking
"
116730,"How do you make Hitler kill himself? Give him his gas bill.
"
1047,"Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.
"
142950,"I am going to stop procrastinating tomorrow.
"
1577,"Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone. Available at all times. Unless his wife's around.
"
170395,"Please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.
"
136016,"Putting a ring on a woman's finger... is like pulling the ripcord on an inflatable raft.
"
80432,"Your Harvard education doesn't make me respect you more - it makes me respect Harvard less.
"
37299,"If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
"
56103,"Sorry I yelled """"SURPRISE!"""" when you caught me in bed with your husband. I was unaware that you don't like surprises.
"
181898,"The best way to eat a salad is to order a pizza instead.
"
195440,"A man tried to find a restaurant using Apple Maps
"
101165,"I woke up today feeling like a god! I don't believe in myself. :(
"
57232,"I know the voices in my head aren't real but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!
"
14116,"Him: 'Sorry Mr Hill, no last minute call from the Governor. Any last words?' Me: -whimpering 'She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle'
"
43497,"How many men does it take to close the toilet seat? No one knows yet!
"
180153,"Who Is Jay Gatsby's Favorite Comic Book Character? Deadpool.
"
33937,"asked my little bro for a couple of chips... he brought me three, said 2 were a couple and the third was my side chip
"
34072,"Why did Michael Jackson always lose in a race? Because he always came in a lil behind.
"
229772,"I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and put in a freezer
"
105524,"You have the body of a professional athlete If competitive eating can be considered a sport
"
173759,"Doctors to Patients The patient says, """"Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."""" The doctor says, """"Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.""""
"
60639,"Since 1782, at the age of 12, Beethoven was composing some of the greatest music ever, of course since 1827 all he has been doing is decomposing.
"
227159,"What's the same about an election and an erection? They're only one letter different, and both are about a dick rising to power.
"
64940,"I don't get new car smell air fresheners Your '98 Ford Taurus isn't fooling anyone
"
210606,"What did the biologist's sister say to her sister after she dropped a beaker on her foot... Mitosis
"
36563,"What's brown and sticky? A poop.
"
159948,"What did one cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his toe? Mitosis!
"
55986,"The high today is only 37 and the low is when I ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy before 10am.
"
31479,"""""Dadd-"""" """"No."""" """"You don't even know what I was going to say!"""" """"You're wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.""""
"
24913,"What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? Seizure salad
"
86684,"What do you call an existential lycanthrope? A whywolf.
"
100817,"Why are promise rings 1/10th the price of engagement rings? They only work 10% of the time.
"
214802,"Go down a water slide without water and you'll understand why foreplay is so important.
"
42981,"What do you call a non-violent venereal disease? Ghandi-rhea
"
153635,"When my doctor gives me a prostate exam I like to moan """"Mmmm, deeper."""" Freaks him out, but not as much as when I try to cuddle afterward.
"
99388,"How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It's a hardware problem.
"
14369,"Why shouldn't anybody help cats down a tree? Because they're stuck up
"
157402,"I don't know why I just bought some coconut shampoo I haven't even got any coconuts.
"
154170,"What do Monica Lewinsky and a soda machine have in common? They both say insert bill here
"
94723,"I'll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
"
65392,"""""Can I see your ID?"""" Sure, it's... *lowers sunglasses* *raises them* *lowers them again* """"What are you doing?"""" I don't know.
"
47880,"Why girls don't have willys Little brother came into the kitchen and declared """"mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow""""
"
71239,"Depresso; the feeling you get when you've run out of coffee.
"
155803,"Raise your hands if you just completed a gymnastics routine.
"
191982,"My Memory Lane is now mostly traffic cones.
"
76427,"If you dress in cowboy clothes does that mean you're ranch dressing?
"
66719,"Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
"
8638,"Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play  louder? A: You can't!
"
1122,"i'm a homewrecker in the sense that i got sick out both ends in the attic and it soaked through the ceiling in 3 different rooms
"
13737,"English and American spellings England: colour America: color England: humour America: humor England: flavour America: flavor England: What the hell are you doing? America: Getting rid of u
"
181944,"A feminist grammar-nazi's favourite joke (NOT a mean joke) A woman without her man is nothing! """"Wait, that's not quite right!"""" A woman; without her, man is nothing!
"
194425,"What happened when Red-Beard's ship and Blue-Beard's ship crashed into each other? They were MAROONED!
"
201666,"*writing resume* Strengths? I'm great at multitasking *explosion in kitchen* My popcorn! *car crashes through fence* I forgot I was driving!
"
136313,"My parents took away my mood ring . . . . . . I don't know how I feel about it.
"
174046,"Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
"
185623,"What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits your windshield? Its butt.
"
161429,"Him: You hang up first. Me: *click
"
58679,"What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? A widow.
"
222867,"Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus' life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
"
75124,"""""This work simply does not deserve an A,"""" my teacher said, berating me.
"
122538,"Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor
"
94540,"IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT'S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
"
160623,"[1st date] *stuffing face* sorry i eat a lot when im nervous 'u know ur eating a candle right?' yah *points to napkin* u gonna finish that
"
181280,"Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here. Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
"
80817,"What does a terrorist and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them the more english you get.
"
185442,"Did you hear about the man that threw a mineral at the cops? The police said it was a salt.
"
166096,"I seasoned my beef with too much salt I'm salty.
"
172933,"My friend called me cheesy I said """"don't Brie so mad, its all Goud-a""""
"
76647,"Everyone's making Mayan jokes Like there's no tomorrow!
"
29053,"A vegan, a vaper, and a Pitbull owner walk into a bar... ...I'd tell you what they said but I have no idea because none of them would shut up.
"
104981,"Whats black,white,black,white,black,white,red? A nun falling down the stairs on her period.
"
185480,"What do a chop shop and a desperate actress have in common? They both strip for parts!
"
96212,"Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn't, it'd be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
"
49222,"So, you know how they put that magic hat on Frosty and it makes him talk? I wonder if there's one that works in reverse, but for children.
"
22504,"A fireman's pole is a stripper's pole that takes you places.
"
200997,"A few dad jokes a customer told me. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meet Patty.
"
161168,"What's more effective than an islamic call to prayer? A rape whistle.
"
190858,"Everybody is tweeting """"OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH"""", I'm like tf' you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
"
13158,"Why are Mexicans good at bow hunting? Because they hav-an-arrow! :D
"
109625,"What did Elton John call his tribute to Mother Teresa? Sandals in the Bin
"
54368,"I'm at the point in my life where """"friend with benefits"""" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
"
184806,"Girls that are 16 and pregnant may look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.
"
113915,"Canadian What to do when a Canadian throws a grenade for you?
"
157136,"If you make fun of your significant other's love of Hunger Games are you.... Mockin'Bae
"
17030,"Why would you wrap a hamster in duct tape? So it doesn't explode when you're fucking it.
"
224876,"""""Chocolate is so yummy it'd probably taste good on mothballs."""" - inventor of Whopper Candies.
"
216793,"How do pianists remember which groceries to buy? They use a Chopin Liszt!
"
98407,"why does dr. pepper come in a bottle? his wife died.
"
7773,"""""Poor"""" is an odd word because when you put it in front of """"people"""" it's sad but when you put it in front of """"bladder control"""" it's hilarious
"
188126,"I bet the Americans feel really stupid now. They've spent millions fighting ISIS when all they had to do was change their profile picture.
"
32820,"Two peanuts are walking through Central Park. One was a salted.
"
204851,"What do you call a guy with rabbits up his arse/ass? Warren.
"
208758,"Rape game Husband: Darling, let's play rape game Wife: No! Husband: Perfect start
"
203022,"Why periods? Why can't mother nature just tweet me and be like """"Waddup girl. You ain't pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to you next month""""
"
68508,"A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he's wearing TOMS and you can't stop laughing.
"
176771,"Knock Knock? Who is there? Willis. Willis who? Willis d**k fit in your mouth?
"
80713,"We should move to a herb based fuel economy We can finally make the trains run on thyme.
"
158170,"When live gives you lemons... life is trying to tell you you're leading a sour life.
"
59379,"How do you pump a Republican for information? With a plunger.
"
172716,"Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.
"
115982,"What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? A Yoghurt's got culture!
"
63290,"If I had a gun and 2 bullets and I was alone in a room with you, Hitler, and Stalin, I'd look at you like how the fuck did we get in this situation.
"
208846,"Andrew Johnson was the first US leader to ever be impeached. You could say it was unpresidented.
"
106472,"Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, """"Please wear.""""
"
125009,"I shouldn't type Reddit posts on my phone. The autocorrect is my worst enema.
"
196456,"How many parents does it take to raise a homicidal maniac? Two, then one, then none
"
160127,"2 blondes are checking a car """"Does the turn signal work?"""" """"Yes! No. Yes! No. Yes!""""
"
64237,"Sometimes when I'm down on life, I think to myself... """"At least I'm not addicted to crack."""" And then I feel alot better about myself.
"
5094,"In this economy I sometimes have to make tough choices. Like between eating or buy that cover for my iPad.
"
155089,"Why aren't ants going to church? Because they are in sects.
"
131371,"I used to be indecisive... Now I'm not so sure...
"
230390,"Actors retweeting compliments is the modern day version of actors murdering hookers.
"
38514,"What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
"
148482,"after a long day of respecting women I like 2 sit down and ponder how I'm goin 2 respect them the next day
"
135924,"What's the best way to make your wife angry during sex? Call her and tell her where you are.
"
190449,"When does Hillary Clinton have sex with Bill? maybe never but Bernie sanders lost big time in the primary today.
"
66372,"sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I'm a meatball
"
186040,"A Man Has a Heart Attack on a Plane... Stewardess: Is **anybody** here a doctor?! Man: (Raising Hand) I'm a vegan.
"
154523,"Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class? Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!
"
25599,"Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
"
182068,"After years of poor yields, Old McDonald will have to sell his farm... ... to cover what he e-i-e-i owes.
"
215850,"A psychic midget broke out of prison The official police report warned of a small medium at large.
"
158881,"Why did the sheep move house? The neighbours were baaastsrds.
"
57889,"When I fall down a public venue, """"Did anyone see me"""" totally outranks """"Am I ok"""" on the thought process.
"
171899,"In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
"
219546,"My son's default mode is """"protester being dragged out of a political rally.""""
"
205422,"Then there was the guy who fell into a vat of molten optical glass after drinking too much. Just two glasses, and look what a spectacle he made of himself.
"
156844,"The makers of Dr Pepper are changing their recipe, using less expensive ingredients. The new soda will be called, Nurse Practicioner Pepper.
"
87529,"Did you hear about the Grizzly that killed a camper? He used his bear hands
"
104721,"Whats the best part about dating a Black girl? You don't have to worry about meeting her Father
"
55377,"Did you hear about the redditor who had a girlfriend?
"
206601,"Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
"
177151,"Why do farmers put bells on cows? Because their horns dont work!
"
109442,"I'm not a fan of male-to-female sex change surgery... It just seems like a dick move.
"
223238,"Experiment: text your parents """"got 2 grams for $40"""" then right after """"Sorry ignore that txt. Not for you"""" Then tweet pic of their response.
"
107371,"A rubber band pistol was confiscated during algebra class. It was a weapon of math disruption.
"
34441,"Shout-out to people just out of earshot.
"
179641,"Why can't you tell when a Pteradactyl goes to the toilet? Because the P is silent.
"
5070,"Abortions are so fun... ...they really bring out the kid in you
"
121501,"What's a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross country
"
9094,"My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me """"Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring"""". So I bought her nothing.
"
222832,"""""Give me 'bored.' Give me 'late for lunch.' Scowl at a tree. Scowl at a tree. Look at a bird like you hate it."""" - book jacket photographers.
"
36043,"Plot twist: Everybody shoots Cupid with an arrow.
"
96150,"My friend told me a Holocaust joke Anne Frankly I didn't like it.
"
162967,"What's the difference between me and Jimmy Kimmel? I can make it to the end of a Jimmy Kimmel joke without laughing.
"
179461,"If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it's because I have drugs missing.
"
158849,"Why does nobody play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs
"
110314,"[Skype] ME: Finally I see your face and wow. HIM: [naked] Where are you?! ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
"
196862,"Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber. Cleverest. Government. Propaganda. Ever.
"
126330,"Where do suicide bombers go when they die? ALLAAAAAAHVER the place!
"
10160,"What's President Obama's favorite vegetable? Barack-oli
"
36863,""""" Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache. Husband: tell him i've already got one. """"
"
208401,"Eating a banana faster to try and hide it only makes you look even more gay.
"
120130,"The difference between a prostitute and drug dealer? A prostitute can wash her crack and resell it.
"
74489,"America's favorite psychic Ms Cleo passed away No one saw this coming.
"
222640,"Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
"
198512,"Knock Knock. Who's there? Knock Knock. Who's there? Knock Knock KNOCK KNOCK. Who is there? The pilot.
"
190109,"Who should you pray to if you don't want the airplane that you are on to get diverted? Diversion Mary
"
224420,"The secret to a long life Avoid death
"
162884,"If you wait long enough, every cool thing starts to suck.
"
212020,"What's ISIS's favourite band? Koran Koran.
"
175802,"Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
"
80788,"What did the peanut say to his wife before he left? I'll be back in a jiffy
"
170167,"I just sneezed so violently, I think it qualifies as an ab workout. (Screw you, I'm counting it.)
"
133894,"what's the difference between my television and my wife? my friends wait til i'm home to use my television
"
57100,"Real Road Signs (What they mean) """"Rough road"""" (Road sucks) """"Construction zone"""" (Unattended orange cone zone) """"Lanes shift"""" (Confusing af)
"
88888,"Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol, one sec bro
"
180435,"Is it just my nipples or is it cold outside. They're hard as rock. EDIT: They're
"
84329,"Dja hear about the LGBT who would only own a Dalmatian if its spots were bleached white? Bruella de Ville
"
7634,"There are TV shows literally every day so no I am not free to hang out ever.
"
197870,"I met Jesus once but he was kind of a dick He was all """"holier-than-thou""""
"
54978,"Why was the cop absent from work? He had swine flu
"
78664,"What do you call a mill thats just ok? A satisfactory.
"
124368,"I don't mean to brag about my patience, but I just waited 5 whole seconds before passing a student driver and flicking them off.
"
46917,"What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
"
36206,"The Oregon Problem The latest opinion-type poll Says Oregon's out of control Football - U of O Marijuana - you know Both of them got """"smoked in a bowl""""
"
198120,"Can of sardines in Soviet Union A man in the 80s in Soviet Union buys a can of sardines. He opens it and it's empty, but there is a little note in it: """"Not a winner""""
"
115780,"Don't worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex's name tattooed.
"
5229,"What do you call a fruit that is a vegetable? A crippled homo.
"
100373,"When people ask, """"Don't I know you from somewhere?"""", I reply """"Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.""""
"
166229,"My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
"
163918,"Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who's getting cut from the team
"
161421,"How did the duck become a junkie? He was addicted to quack.
"
115684,"Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars? So they can park in handicapped spaces.
"
175746,"What's got 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog.
"
85881,"I have been suffering from Priapism for the last 2 days My wife is taking it pretty hard
"
217587,"How do you die by heroin? When you are the villain
"
86347,"adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane
"
62788,"I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they'll open up a small demolition business together.
"
73187,"If your uncle Jack was stuck on a roof... Would you help your uncle Jack off?
"
158423,"A man walks into a bar """"Ouch!""""
"
109285,"They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance
"
155130,"Twitter. /twt.r/ (noun) Twit-ur: an omnidirectional toxic sludge pump for the lame and unfunny musings of the imbecilic masses.
"
112725,"I just got fired for getting beauty tips online during my lunch break! my Boss said """" Madison Ivy gets a facial"""" is not a video on beauty tips.
"
29898,"What happened when the lawyer took a Viagra? He got taller.
"
209909,"Tell someone, """"You wore that shirt the day after yesterday"""" and see how long it takes them to get it.
"
9817,"I kill people for a living with my jokes! HAHAHAHAHHAHA FUCK YOU
"
163889,"You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they've never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
"
197923,"I hate thinking of new passwords. Last time I did I chose """"Penis."""" But got the error: Your password is too short. I tried BBCPenis, that was too many characters. Guess that ones too long.
"
129760,"Don't mind me, just another pirate joke passing though What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it was arr, but actually it's the sea.
"
12093,"Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants. Me: These are my legs.
"
184599,"All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
"
27300,"My grandma can hold her breath for over fourteen years!
"
22485,"Prostitutes are really over achievers... I mean all they do is succeed.
"
87735,"What is a stealth bombers favorite banana from Bananas in Pajamas? B2
"
129372,"So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
"
53756,"Can you help me with this problem? X+U=25 I think X=15, because U sure are a 10.
"
75083,"Who was the largest knight at the Round Table? Sir Cumference. Why was he so fat? He ate too much pie.
"
103751,"You don't need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
"
35955,"Two men walk into a bar... One of them gets a concussion and the other gets a bruise on his forehead.
"
111516,"The twin towers remind me of genders There used to be two of them and people get offended when you talk about them
"
158070,"what does a british person say to congratulate a friend when he hears they are having their first child after joining a reptile gang? well, chap, you're a propa-gator now.
"
9936,"What is it called when you call your ex? Ex-communication
"
17498,"Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler He was one hell of a proctologist.
"
138258,"How many comedians does it take to change a light bulb? Dunno. Never been able to get them past the question.
"
231172,"I just swallowed my record player's needle and nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happe
"
19343,"What's the difference between a Vagina and a Refrigerator? A Fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
"
125134,"The only way I'm listening to a voicemail is if I think the pizza guy is lost
"
220192,"Damn girl are you an alarm clock? Because no matter how many times I hit you you won't shut the fuck up
"
95652,"A Mexican magician announced... """"For my next trick, I will count to ten and vanish into thin air."""" He began """"Uno....dos.."""" Then he disappeared without a tres.
"
202306,"What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? Dr. Pokemon.
"
228550,"Why is it so wet in Great Britain? Because of all the kings and queens that reigned (rained) there.
"
166189,"What is stephen Hawking's favorite food? His shoulder.
"
72234,"Why did the woman's visit to wall street land her in the hospital? Because the stock broker!
"
73221,"What happens if you cross an Ape with an octopus? You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!
"
197400,"GOD: That's the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones ANGEL: Will do GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
"
15150,"I got mugged last night! My assailants made off with everything from my shoes to my mood ring... I still don't know how I feel about that.
"
214722,"I went to the library and asked for a book on rohypnol. That's the last thing I remember.
"
224030,"What do you call it when batman skips church? Christian bale.
"
1430,"What's the difference between a piano, a tuna fish, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna. ... What about the pot of glue? I knew you'd get stuck.
"
469,"What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !
"
152615,"Why was the Newfie excited when he heard Quebec might leave Canada? It wouldn't take him as long to drive to Toronto
"
88730,"I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea... ...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.
"
162135,"What does the snicker say to the other snicker? DEEZ NUTZ, Ha! Goteem!
"
106457,"There are two types of people in the world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
"
28008,"What does the physicist have to eat when he goes to the pub? Fission chips.
"
76773,"Me: You're gorgeous Her: OMG that is so sweet, c'mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*
"
99179,"What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend? Long time no sea.
"
119317,"Go to JebBush.com He lost his domain and Donald Trump bought it.
"
228325,"Why did the man put condoms on his ears during sex? He didn't want to get hearing aids.
"
193703,"I hate waiting in line. I wish this guy would hurry up and pick a suspect.
"
142855,"Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
"
102248,"Dear Sharks: You may get your own week on TV, but house cats get their own eternity on the internet.
"
26047,"I have a wig, I have an orange, ugh Donald Trump
"
151440,"I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon - perfect.
"
19450,"A man walks into a psychologists office... wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychologist says """"It's a good thing you came. I can clearly see your nuts""""
"
97999,"How do you know someone is from California? They tell you.
"
191649,"I was standing next to a guy before he was brutally stabbed. It was a near-death experience.
"
9832,"6-year-old: Spill me some milk. Me: You mean """"pour."""" 6: Not the way you do it.
"
63904,"""""I just can't control myself around you"""" - Me talking to a homemade batch of cookies
"
97877,"911: what is your emergency? Me: HE READ BUT DIDN'T REPLY
"
166363,"Hold me closer, tiny dancer. Oh my... not that close. I can't breathe. How are you so strong? LET ME GO TINY DANCER
"
96504,"What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The polar bear
"
212535,"Why did the Broncos wear white jerseys in Super Bowl 50? Because it's hard to catch a white bronco in California.
"
31868,"I was listening to a Lewis Grizzard tape the other day and I realized that r/jokes better call him up and ask for their jokes back.
"
3444,"Why did the dolphin feel crabby?  Because he ate too many crabs!
"
118516,"A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief... Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.
"
185374,"Unexpected sex... ....is a great way to wake up. If you are not in a prison.
"
211315,"HR: Do you know why we called you in here today? Me: I'm not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
"
20817,"If the dove is the bird of peace... ...what is the bird of true love? The swallow.
"
78913,"What was John Lennons final hit? The pavement
"
46623,"I want the leaves in my yard to leaf Maple I should rake them. But hey, they do spruce it up a bit.
"
175213,"what do you call a turtle dressed as a guido a slowbro
"
151908,"How do we call a skinhead with an Afro? The only black KKK member.
"
176027,"A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
"
167054,"Aladdin's love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
"
194311,"I'm so proud of my self, I decided I'm going to stop procrastinating and do something with my life! Starting tomorrow...
"
108595,"If I share my food with you, it's either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it.
"
144965,"Dad, who's Daniel Day-Lewis? *Dad peers out the blinds* He could be anyone, son. *Mom starts weeping* He could be anyone.
"
150736,"Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
"
135755,"A man goes into a bakery and says, """"I'll have 99 rolls."""" Says the lady behind the counter: """"Why don't you take 100, then you have one more."""" """"But who's gonna eat all those rolls?""""
"
8925,"It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme.
"
98723,"This joke came to me while waiting on my iphone repair at the Apple store.. What do people at the Genius Bar drink from? -Einsteins
"
142185,"i've fallen out of my fair share of windows in my time and lets be honest, glass and air look basically the same
"
55418,"That's the third time in a week I've woken myself up by farting. One more complaint and they're not gonna let me drive this bus anymore.
"
142432,"I hate it when people compare Freddy Mercury to God. I mean God is great and all but he's no Freddy Mercury
"
3917,"A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
"
42338,"BUT GHOSTBUSTERS NEVER GAVE US THEIR NUMBER.
"
11687,"Your momma so ugly ... Not even Ripley can believe it
"
66011,"Did you hear about that guy who put 19 toy horses up his butt? His condition is stable.
"
229628,"Hillary and Trump are on a sinking boat, who survives? America.
"
137413,"Smart White Boy OPTIONAL (text)
"
196029,"So I went to my first gym today Brock was pretty hard.
"
181119,"What comes after the third car? The ford car.
"
13396,"I saw a beefle of buffaloes Really!? is a herd of buffaloes called a beefle? Nah, I was just joking...
"
84989,"An Irishman walks out of a bar. Edit: For clarification, that's the joke.
"
209833,"You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I'm stopped. I won't unstop. Don't look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
"
171796,"I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
"
164460,"""""Oh yeah"""" - me, remembering Iowa exists.
"
98526,"two guy's are sitting on the front porch in the yard they see a dog licking his balls one say's to the other do you think I could do that? his buddy says maybe but I think you should pet him first
"
214072,"I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let's do this bro
"
75571,"Have you heard about Reddit OP having a miscarriage? She could not deliver :(
"
8602,"If you say """"gullible"""" very slow, it sounds like """"butterflies""""
"
158963,"What did the retarded chef say after watching terminator PASTA LA VISTA HAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *TAKES OFF ALL HIS CLOTHES AND RUBS HIS NIPPLES*
"
46818,"What did the salesman at footlocker say to the customer? Shoes wisely
"
72825,"Breakfast musings... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
"
129508,"How often do I see alligators? Ocajunally
"
222203,"I still think Porky Pig got his stutter from an early jail experience.
"
168869,"Steve Irwin died the same way he lived... With animals in his heart
"
61240,"I went to buy a 'Where's Wally?' book today but couldn't find one anywhere. Well played, Wally. Well played.
"
98489,"I always cry before getting intimate with a girl Does someone have tips against pepperspray?
"
65951,"""""IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?!?"""" I screamed on the plane. 3 men shot up. """"Ok, now are any of you single? I need a sugar daddy. I do butt stuff.""""
"
95292,"It smells like updog in this sub.
"
142612,"What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut? A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.
"
40142,"I'm participating in a 0.25K run to raise awareness for people with attention deficit disorder.
"
58235,"What's the worst part of being a cook in prison? Having to toss everyone's salad
"
96060,"How about a dirty joke? the new born white duckling fell into the mud. the filthy, filthy mud.
"
181375,"What's it called if you re-evaluate your butt? In hiney-sight.
"
77618,"I saw Michael J. Fox in a gardening centre the other day... He had his back to the fuchsia.
"
194913,"What do you call a cold cafe worker? A burrrista.
"
176449,"Women's magazine Page 14: accept yourself as you are Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
"
99311,"I thought my wife was happy to fully repair my jeans. Or at least sew its seams.
"
37414,"My GF passed away... and I wake up every day with mourning wood now.
"
183780,"Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don't die alone.
"
55659,"Did you guys hear about the new metal band playing at the winery this evening? They're called Grapes of Wrath.
"
162430,"What do you call a lamp you send in the mail? Lamp post
"
34681,"What's yellow and flys through walls? A magic banana...
"
155394,"What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice? A goddamn riceist
"
29547,"""""Something's keeping me from masturbating,"""" the young woman confided to her doctor. """"I can't quite put my finger on it.""""
"
177508,"Why are Jedis allowed to use negative numbers? Because only Siths deal in absolutes.
"
71842,"Advertising agencies should start using gametes in their commercials Because you know, sex cells
"
104371,"Using the phrase """"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,"""" only shows that you're unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
"
105031,"""""When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said: 'Oh, two or three'. She wonders why her marriage didn't work.
"
186712,"Whats the first word a swede says after its born? wouaaa wouaaa wu wu welcome refugees
"
189367,"Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn't the first time you've failed in life.
"
5846,"I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
"
20388,"Vampire 1: """"I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died."""" Vampire 2: """"How awful!""""  Vampire 1: """"Yes. Fortunately I found some in the neck of time.""""
"
12507,"A Match Made in Heaven God grabbed a box of cigarettes and pulled one out. He put it in his mouth when he realized he had nothing to light it with.
"
110900,"told my Subway sandwich artist the toppings I wanted but then I whispered """"love"""" so now I can't go to that Subway anymore
"
16135,"My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
"
108140,"What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls? Sparky
"
20569,"What did the house say to the other house when it fell on it. Get off me Homes.
"
34447,"What are your best 'no arm, no legs' jokes? What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on his porch? Matt.
"
215140,"Kim Jong Un's fat could be evenly distributed among his people so that all are well fed :/
"
204974,"How many animals can you fit in a condom? A cock and a couples of hares! Source: I was told this in a bar tonight and felt the need to share it!
"
93000,"The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants.. ... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.
"
179424,"I sent my kids to public school because I didn't want them to be spoiled. Turns out I didn't want them to be educated either.
"
217589,"My friend asked me why I carry my gun inside my house I told him 'Decepticons.' He laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. So I shot the toaster. It was a good day.
"
181061,"WIFE: *motions to me that she's choking* ME: *immediately dials 911* 911: what the emergency ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
"
68999,"Why did the Chicken cross the road? Because the farmer left the chicken hatch open
"
205193,"Women dream of world peace a safe environment  and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.
"
49053,"How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis..*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*
"
89248,"Who was the worlds first capenter? Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.
"
189927,"People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
"
131140,"I Went To The Zoo Yesterday The only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih-Tzu.
"
49912,"A black man went into a bank and asked for a job. """"You're in luck!"""" said the manager. $50 thousand a year, and a car!! """"You're joking!"""" said the black man. """"Of course I'm joking. But you started it!!""""
"
9002,"""""Lincoln"""" is a terrible movie The main character dies at the end.
"
204597,"There are 16 types of people in the world Those who understand Hexadecimal, and F the rest.
"
191884,"What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? We really do taste like chicken!
"
211228,"Why are old printers so musical? Because they are prone to jamming.
"
218327,"What's an """"oying""""? This joke
"
52686,"Hamster joke There is a boy, he owns a hamster. What does the hamster eat? Ham.
"
180775,"A Gingerbread Man Veteran ...lost his legs in 'Nom
"
167415,"""""I have too much time on my hands and I want to stew in a broth of my own filth."""" - People who take baths
"
134135,"My parents used to tell me this one. Where did the general keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
"
195654,"I'm going to open an ISIS themed cafe called Allahu Snackbar - our food is the bomb.
"
51428,"How do you organize a party in space? You planet.
"
88488,"How do you make a dog float? Take two scoops of ice cream a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.
"
193855,"What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only 1/5th of what comes out of her vagina is retarded.
"
99828,"I'm a shy person with low self-esteem, but I'll tell you a great joke ..if you promise not to laugh.
"
166080,"I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that's why it's called chemist """"try""""
"
49996,"Is there a God? A billion Hindus can't be wrong.
"
229342,"its adam and eve not woody and buzz, if you want a real toy story read the bible
"
112046,"How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes.
"
80051,"People keep telling me i'm self-deprecating. I don't think i deserve that.
"
203266,"Two parrots sat on a perch one turns to the other and asks, 'Can you smell fish?'
"
148338,"What do you call a cow with Parkinson's? Beef jerky
"
193014,"A kiss can make your day Anal can make your hole weak
"
162856,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market  - Banjo Barbie ...complete with straw hat and Earl Scruggs  cassette
"
198231,"Two blondes are driving. The first blonde asks, """"Is my blinker working?"""" The second blonde checks the dashboard and responds, """"Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.""""
"
190137,"What do you call a trumpet on a leash? A trumPET *Edit Also why is this Marked Politics?
"
174828,"You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a glass of water. If it sinks: girl ant If it floats: boy ant
"
203265,"the divorce rate for socks is 100%
"
167471,"What do you call a half native pirate? Metis
"
10678,"""""Do you want to see a nice clock?"""" I said, lowering my trousers, """"That's not a clock!"""" She exclaimed when she saw my dick... It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!
"
13745,"Therapist: So what's the problem? Wife: He thinks he's a flamingo. Me: That's it! I'm putting my foot down. *lowers foot that was raised*
"
7900,"It takes a second..... Two guys walk into a bar.... you think the second would have noticed. HA.
"
10154,"Q: How did a blind man drive his car? A: One hand on the wheel; the other on the road.
"
139735,"It's like the TSA doesn't even care relationships end cause we can't run through the airport and stop someone from getting on a plane.
"
218077,"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman all walk into a bar the barman looks up at them, shakes his head and says """"is this some kind of a joke?""""
"
71676,"What do you say to a Jewish New Zealander? Hee brew
"
58434,"I'd make a wind pun But it blows..
"
181643,"Why does the sun never set on the British Empire? Because God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark!
"
196965,"What's the difference between a bIack guy and a bike? A bike doesn't start singing when you put chains on it.
"
160900,"I'm wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.
"
67664,"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.
"
107121,"A man with a gun shot his keyboard it typed POW
"
85686,"What did Sam say to the young Americans? """"Guess where this finger's going.""""
"
229736,"I don't like holocaust jokes. Anne Frankly you shouldn't either.
"
218772,"An Indian news anchor was fired for referring the chinese President Xi Jinping as """"Eleven"""" Jinping.
"
204323,"I can confidently say I'm 150 pounds of solid sexy. Plus 40-50 of squishy stuff.
"
94897,"Did you hear about the time traveler who finished his plate? He went back four seconds.
"
214366,"Donald trump
"
34371,"What do you call a Mexican Baptism? Bean Dip.
"
6727,"Son of a Beach So I like digging. I am going to go the beach and become a professional digger. Professional digger.
"
225939,"I heard 9/10 Redditors are dumb... I'm so glad to be part of the 1%
"
7052,"What do you call a person who makes surrealist sandwiches? Salvador Deli.
"
79087,"Have you heard about corduroy pillowcases? They're making head lines!
"
38109,"Why do we hire Nazis as Game Developers? Because they're Pro-Grammer.
"
171383,"What do you call 2 Mexicans playing Basketball? Juan on Juan
"
182293,"How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb? One to put in the new one, and two to sing about how good the old one was.
"
178580,"My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.
"
200368,"The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
"
147919,"What was an elephant doing on the freeway? About 5 miles per hour.
"
109027,"I make the stupidest excuses just to skip the gym. *burns tongue while drinking coffee* """"Oh no! I really wanted to go to the gym today!""""
"
35901,"Having a wife is like a grenade You pull the ring off, and your house is gone.
"
101319,"I had sex with a Chinese girl. It was great... But I was horny again an hour later.
"
22171,"GOOD COP: tell us where ur boss is hiding and we'll let u go BIKE COP: [clenches fist] we woulda caught him if he hadnt climbed those stairs
"
182364,"I tried to have a conversation with a rock. It was hard.
"
165555,"Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.
"
70730,"A priest, a pedophile and a homosexual walk in to a bar... And that was just the first guy.
"
74298,"A bartender walks into a barn... The horse says, """"Hey, why the wrong place?""""
"
205998,"What did the buffalo say to his son on the first day of school? He waves and says Bi son
"
101953,"Did you hear the watermelon joke? It's pitful.
"
123765,"The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery. Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
"
229852,"[NSFW] Dad, I am a lesbian 1st Daughter:""""Dad, I am a lesbian"""" Dad; """"Oh okay!"""" 2nd Daughter: """"I'm a lesbian too..."""" Dad: """"Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?"""" Son: """"I do.""""
"
218264,"My aunt passed away recently... She died of adult onset sudden infant death syndrome.
"
145701,"What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? The hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead.
"
83321,"Do I have a police record? No... but I have two of their albums on tape.
"
8195,"So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? """"Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry.""""
"
172000,"Me: BOOP! teehee! Cop: .. Me: sorry. did you want me to touch MY nose?
"
106826,"""""How much would you say you read the Bible?"""" """"Well, I don't read it religiously."""" Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.
"
164478,"When my girlfriend told me the news, I pushed her out of a thirty-story building. She fell pregnant.
"
136878,"Did you know that Samsung also manufacture hangar ships? Must be because of all their ports left Open. (l8 to the party i know)
"
225716,"A fascist, a billionaire and a president walk into a bar... ...and he says """"one beer please"""".
"
119889,"What do you call an exceptionally intelligent gay man? Homogeneous
"
63877,"What do they call a meeting among the most  brilliant people in Burger Land? A MEATing of the minds!
"
190920,"My wife told me """"My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks"""" I said """"And what did your proctologist say?""""
"
6816,"An old man was having a check up.... The doctor asked how hid erections were doing. """"They come and go.""""
"
13310,"I own 2 types of fossilised animal excrement I'm a shit collector.
"
3504,"If I exit the bathroom stall singing """"Break On Through (To The Other Side)"""", it's best to avoid shaking my hand.
"
62234,"my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.
"
114185,"Pity the poor egg. He only gets laid once in his life, and even then it's by his mother.
"
111471,"Are you going to buy something this time? Or are you """"just curious""""? Let's just say I'm buy-curious.
"
74469,"what did the rapman say to other rapman yo tony where did you get that fresh salami?
"
24643,"*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It's nothing, I'll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
"
223826,"Me: Baby I know you had a long day so I drew you a bath Her: Ah I can't wait to take it *hands her paper* Me: I used your eyeliner pencil
"
115251,"Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Nevermind, it's too long.
"
208810,"I never feel more racist than when trying to find my waiter at a Mexican restaurant.
"
115229,"My WD-40 can rusted. Now that's irony.
"
201118,"What is black and rhymes with Snoop Dogg? Dr. Dre
"
91898,"If life gives you melons... You're probably dyslexic
"
64094,"The average married couple has sex 68 times a year. I should be pretty busy the next couple weeks.
"
80368,"1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood 2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures 3. Get all the cats
"
57427,"An Arab is shaking a carpet on the window.A guy sees from below and asks: What's wrong with it? Doesn't start?
"
185743,"I told my boss I'm calling in sick today. He said, """"You can't do that when you're already here."""" Is that true you guys?
"
4831,"is thinking that with their track record, buying condoms at a BP station is just taking too big a risk!
"
124759,"My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm obsess with football In my defence I got Kolarov,Otamendi,Thiago Silva and Dani Alves
"
35099,"A poll says that 60% of women take medicine for mental instability. That means that 40% aren't taking their meds!
"
209378,"Why should you never shout at a pirate? Because it hurts their buccaneers. (Sorry it's lame, I just made it up)
"
72152,"Behold the nuclear arsenal of North Korea and Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un! The very Earth quakes in terror!
"
192860,"How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with """"A man once told me"""" .
"
112292,"I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.
"
209523,"If the workouts you're talking about aren't the bedroom variety no one wants to hear about it.
"
167193,"How does Kim Kardashian like her eggs? Over-Yeezy. ^forgive ^me
"
158400,"If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
"
32492,"Did you hear about the Dick that graduated from Law School? He was appointed first attorney genital.
"
133140,"Have you heard about the invention of the white board It's remarkable.
"
146449,"May I pay you handsomely, good sir? -Why yes you may. *opens wallet* *pulls out Ryan Gosling*
"
1233,"What's that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.
"
129976,"I'm always right. I thought i was wrong once, But i was wrong.
"
20088,"Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side...
"
124951,"Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
"
55350,"My ex is like the Mona Lisa It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room
"
7982,"The definition of Halloween: Halloween: the holiday when children vandalize your yard with toilet paper, then are rewarded with candy the next day.
"
100283,"I'm not really fan of gallows humor It just always leaves me hanging.
"
184075,"I had a dream about Captain Crunch It was really cereal
"
84764,"A Star Wars Joke(No Spoilers) Why was Han yelling at Chewbacca on their first day on the Millenium Falcon? . . . Because Chewie was making too many wookie mistakes!
"
10646,"What did the elephant say to the naked man? """"How do you breathe through that thing?""""
"
160066,"So I was out shopping for a Mothers Day gift for tommorow I bet that scared the shit out of you
"
130360,"My wife made fun of my (admittedly) ugly balls again. I shall now drop the charade that I am a """"feminist.""""
"
58019,"Thank god attorneys let us know they're attorneys """"at law"""" so we don't assume they're attorneys at garlic bread or something.
"
47837,"Two muffins are sitting in an oven... The first muffin looks over and goes """"man, it's really hot in here."""" The second muffin replies """"HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!""""
"
189711,"Jared Fogle began and ended his career the same way... Trying to get into smaller pants
"
109512,"What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-calf-einated
"
175321,"Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
"
100215,"What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? You should know, you've only read it twenty times.
"
3668,"Did you hear about the new Obama Healthcare Burrito? You don't find out whats in it until you pass it...
"
77272,"Doctors just told me I have """"stripper lung"""" from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to """"JIGGLERS"""" again I'll die.
"
19865,"What did the leper say to the prostitute? (NSFW) You can keep the tip...
"
219932,"Velcro... What a ripoff!
"
68350,"before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war
"
99960,"A man got hit in the head with a drink... It's okay, though; it was a soft drink.
"
206910,"what do u call a sleeping pizza a piZzza ha ha haha someone date me plss
"
25433,"Eating McDonald's because you're hungry is exactly like sucking dick because you're lonely That meat is no good for you and I do it about once a month
"
10434,"Yesterday was National Girlfriend day and my girl friend really enjoyed it .. ... my wife .. not so much.
"
107489,"I don't know what's more disturbing? My son reading a billboard that says """"LIVE NUDE GIRLS"""" or him asking if there's dead ones.
"
80933,"What's the difference between swine flu and avian flu? Bird flu needs tweet-ment and the swine flu needs oink-ment! Ha
"
217162,"I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy. Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.
"
163398,"What time is it? http://youtu.be/mHyRCeKxhss This is an animated joke. I hope a video submission flies here.
"
125129,"How do you a convert a number to a radical? You convert it to Islam.
"
128085,"WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
"
116485,"I once threw an abstinence party... And no one came. Edit: grammar.
"
138189,"What's the difference between a Mexican and a computer? You only have to punch the information into a computer once.
"
22326,"Doctor: """"I'm sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners--"""" Lou Bega: """"Way ahead of you.""""
"
66566,"Hear about the porno in a hot air baloon? It was fucked up.
"
94103,"Apparently, using a french fry and an onion ring to simulate how I wanted the rest of the evening to go wasn't the most romantic move ever.
"
105903,"How do you know that peanuts are  fattening ? Have you ever seen a skinny elephant ?
"
92243,"Two men walk in to a bar... Which is really stupid because the second one should've seen it coming.
"
159930,"Anyone up for a Native American joke? Did you hear about the Indian that drank too much iced tea? He died in his tea pee.
"
67532,"Why couldn't the crime scene investigators find the murder weapon? They thought it was a piece of cake.
"
17075,"You're more useless than a...
"
21746,"How do you make Ben Carson yell? Watch a movie with him.
"
12176,"What is the heaviest surgical intervetion that can be done to women ? Getting money and dicks out of their minds.
"
72808,"In a serious water shortage /r/showerthoughts should be shut down.
"
206043,"A seal walks into a bar.... And the bartender says, """"what are you going to have?"""" The seal replies, """"anything except Canadian club.""""
"
219953,"Narcissist? Let's just calm down with the big words and keep this conversation about me.
"
57016,"I once played golf with a Kiwi The RSPCA showed up the next day.
"
66261,"Have you heard about this? It's a pronoun used to identify a specific person or thing.
"
6102,"Q: What's a little quicker than a shark? A: The Little Mermaid on her period.
"
181634,"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was invited to a classical musician theme Halloween party? I'll be Bach.
"
91099,"What is a monster's favourite society? The Consumers' Association.
"
203896,"Did you hear about the teacher who was always cross eyed? She struggled to control her pupils.
"
180826,"Coco The Clown took his car back to the garage this week. The door wouldn't fall off.
"
92099,"BREAKING NEWS! Lorena Bobbitt involved in a road rage incident. She cut off some dick in traffic.
"
5586,"In hell, your socks are always wet
"
7830,"just read an article about the horrible effects of binge drinking and fuck that im never reading again
"
197704,"Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says, """"Geez, it's hot in here isn't it?""""And the other one says, """"Aaaaaah! A talking sausage!""""
"
2674,"Her: Wasn't it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree? Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard...
"
223701,"all the haters throwimg tomatos at me while im on stage dont seem to understand that im always lookimg for extra tomatos to make soup with
"
64215,"Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
"
114297,"The letter E is used frequently and infrequently.
"
88174,"India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That's a heck of a place to put a call centre.
"
213340,"What does Taylor Swift tell her boyfriend when he gets toilet paper stuck on his arse? Shake it off
"
151810,"I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal. Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.
"
45462,"Why must rabbits never miss dinner? With out their tea they'd be Rabbis.
"
206041,"A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
"
150709,"Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
"
224701,"What's the difference between a large pizza and a bass guitarist? A large pizza can feed a family of four!
"
84212,"I treat pavement like Tampax Because some bitches bleed on it!
"
68404,"[baby wakes up in the middle night] """"Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out."""" [puts baby on eBay]
"
50402,"Stapling my scrotum to a tree... Not a great way to start any evening...
"
82784,"Next year for Halloween I think I will be a dead chrysanthemum.... Then when people ask """"WTF are you"""", I will reply and say """"I am a chrysanthemummy!""""
"
135768,"did you hear about the flying German pancakes in WW2? they were in the luftwaffle!
"
38775,"What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him? Get off me homes.
"
218958,"One time I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist.... Unfortunately, I couldn't find any openings.....
"
157156,"What's the difference between an Afghan Military Base and a Pakistani School? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
"
243,"Don't buy whitening toothpaste It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days. 15 days have come and gone... and I am still asian.
"
177801,"How much of Canada has a person from Iqaluit seen? Nunavut.
"
7488,"A short poem for y'all... """"*Roses are black* *Violets are black* *Everything's black* *Even I am black*"""" - Stevie Wonder
"
137753,"Roses are red, Violets are blue, I can't rhyme Refrigerator
"
168517,"When an ape visits his tailor what kind of a  suit does he order? A zoo-t suit!
"
179076,"What do you call a burger made from 50% beef and 50% veal? Half Calf
"
229619,"Hypnotist Error
"
58041,"Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
"
215137,"What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mothers vagina? Your mother's vagina gets some new content every once in a while.
"
33148,"I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.
"
116270,"Why is Rose sad? Because there is no Jack in iPhone 7.
"
186535,"Tried having an argument with a Mobius Strip... ...It was pretty one-sided
"
49234,"How do you define a farmer? Someone that's outstanding in their field.
"
22075,"Don't worry, people who are sick of political tweets, every horror movies needs a few """"Nah, it's nothing"""" types to raise the body count.
"
125386,"I told my son about the birds and the bees... He told me about my wife and the mail man. I get no respect
"
130041,"Q: Can I ask you two questions? A: Ok, what's the second one?
"
81197,"So I was talking to this dolphin the other day. It was so gnar
"
125557,"TIFU by ordering the wrong sandwich Whoops....wrong sub.
"
103779,"When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I'm older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.
"
211658,"Waitresses/waiters of reddit... When you got interviewed for the position, did you tell them that you bring a lot to the table?
"
112684,"What do you call a black man being killed by the police? A warning shot.
"
54617,"So I was sitting on the toilet this morning... ...and I look over and see this huge spider. It scared the shit out of me.
"
172740,"Why are batman and black man different? Bat man can go a whole night without robin
"
197677,"Why don't southern belles go to orgies any more? Too many thank you notes to write
"
207025,"I just tinder matched with a block of cheese.
"
59237,"A horse walks into a bar...... A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says """"hey SICCNESS206, put your pants back on""""
"
62097,"Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (...and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
"
185233,"Why do police ask to see your drinking license when they pull you over, but they call it a driver license like your bartender does before you can drink?
"
145944,"Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
"
126239,"Light a man a fire and you warm him for a night... Light that man on fire and you'll warm him for the rest of his life.
"
190823,"""""I'm pregnant"""" Are you kidding """"Technically yes""""
"
86679,"What's a pornstars favorite drink? 7 up in cider
"
163569,"How do you set a woman's watch? You don't, there's already a clock on the stove.
"
86109,"hey tomorrow you could be hit in the head by a block of cheese so frickin live ur life today before you have to wear ice on ur head tomorrow
"
176741,"So this pirate walks into a bar and he has the ships wheel attached to his hips. The bar tender says, """"wow that looks uncomfortable!"""" The pirate responds, """"ARGH ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!""""
"
191866,"What do a marriage and superglue have in common? They both form a bond in seconds, last (ideally) forever, and are dissolved by alcohol.
"
124587,"A guy walks into a bar... Ouch
"
143630,"I've got a new habit. And a naked dead nun.
"
26313,"So from now on I believe in talking bears until someone can logically explain how that Ted scene just happened on the #oscars
"
167729,"The art of the word """"Fuck"""" jk there is no art, art fucking sucks
"
66089,"What's a Democrat's favorite genre of music? Progressive rock.
"
124291,"What do you call a helicopter with a bad paint job? A patchy gunship
"
225753,"There hasn't been a """"final"""" fantasy
"
113076,"As a gay male, just once, I wish someone would ask me how I like my coffee. Them: Hey, how do you like your coffee? Me: Like I love my men! Them: Oh, Black? Me: No, anally!
"
108101,"RIP Fluffy McKittens 2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2016
"
128291,"A black guy in the library just asked me where the colored printer is... It's 2015 dude, use whatever printer you want.
"
43141,"WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?! ~me, drunk, at a wax museum
"
43190,"Things in common When does atheism become synonymous with running? A: When you draw Mohamad. Edit: Reworded it to make sense.
"
121756,"We don't need a Voting Rights Act. If we just give all the votes to rich people, then democracy will just trickle down to everyone else.
"
59024,"When I said """"I hope you die,"""" I was actually being really thoughtful. Do you really want to experience the unending burdens of immortality?
"
190170,"911: what's your emergency? me: what's YOUR emergency? 911: *starts crying* omg no one's ever asked me that before! me: jk I've been stabbed
"
123520,"Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
"
33480,"Anal is like brushing your teeth. If you see blood your not doing it enough.
"
214607,"The best thing about being over 25 is that no one can find embarrassing Youtube videos of you as a kid.
"
96874,"I woke up with just my arm in hospital Hospital is a weird name for a dog
"
5546,"What do you call a party with no Filipino people? A no-Nguyen scenario.
"
112082,"Have you ever traveled in time? How about now?
"
79671,"Porn I watch so much porn, my screen saver is windex.
"
5746,"Two guys walk down the street And one falls through the window
"
9115,"Why do ghosts carry tissues? Because they have BOOOOgers.
"
106800,"I finally found a girlfriend! She was lost untill she found me. I'm glad I could give her a ride to her boyfriend's house.
"
195818,"Why Can't Dinosaurs Clap. Because They're Dead. :)
"
138225,"Have you ever had sex while camping? Its fucking in tents
"
137054,"What do Donald Trump and Mondays have in common Nobody likes them.
"
34885,"What is both a fruit and a vegetable? Elton John in a coma.
"
6962,"You know, I just love whiteboards... They're remarkable.
"
13625,"A rich kid sees a poor kid kicking a can down the road The rich kid says """"Hey, you, what're you doing?"""" The poor kid says """"Moving.""""
"
20559,"How do I explain to my dog tonight that thunder isn't the all powerful god of canine destruction searching for him with every boom
"
51068,"Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
"
229822,"A wizard walks into a gay bar and disappears with a poof.
"
168235,"What did 0 say to 1? You're turning me on!
"
192946,"A humorous joke to say on January 1st, """"I haven't had sex since LAST year!"""" When really it's only been 21 years, 3 months and 18 days.
"
161732,"It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you've slept with
"
120639,"My friend's spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic. Well, three can play at that game.
"
222023,"I came here to tell a gay joke... Butt fuck it.
"
83769,"I keep ringing Screwfix... .. To this day they still insist they're not a matchmaking agency!
"
165998,"I need a joke for a medical residency interview! Halp!
"
227388,"Have you ever tried North Korean food? [Neither have they](#s)
"
53954,"I love telling jokes... But I always punch up the fuck line. Shit!
"
222342,"You know it's weird you add 'French' to anything and it makes it better: 'French cuisine', 'French toast', 'French kiss'... The only exception is 'people.'
"
45137,"How many feminists you need to change a lamp? """"That's not funny...""""
"
186182,"My New Year's resolution for 2017 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 12 more to go.
"
27410,"The guy I just cut off thinks he's gonna destroy my car with high beams.
"
130040,"Why can't siamese twins be trusted to render fair judgments? Because they're always partial. I'm so sorry.
"
22832,"What's a dragracers favourite meal? Brake-fast
"
172008,"A guy walks into a bar with a gun and yelled """"Who slept with my wife?"""" and in the background someone replied """"You ain't got enough bullets.""""
"
230844,"""""I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"""" He just said """"That's a D, you idiot.""""
"
139658,"[Trapped on a Island] *Message in a bottle* """"Please send help!"""" *Gets message back, months later* """"Linda invited you to play Candy Crush""""
"
67032,"Sometimes, eating road kill Can be a big moose steak
"
79583,"Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a mattress store and sleep on the floor
"
81566,"Who are the fastest readers in the world? New Yorkers. They can go through 110 stories in five seconds.
"
21421,"If Hilary Clinton is elected president, what title will they give Bill? First Lady's man (;
"
62321,"I enjoy visiting countries where I don't speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
"
199934,"Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards? A: Because he was sitting on the deck !
"
165946,"Stop scrolling. You need to sleep. (:
"
208045,"There are 10 types of people in this world.... .... Those who understand binary code, and those who don't.
"
38211,"What do you call a chicken without feathers? Dinner!
"
102101,"""""You know how I realized I had such a great butt?"""" Because every time I would walk away after meeting a group of ladies I could hear them say, """" what an ass""""
"
159914,"Q. What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? A. """"Rough rough"""".
"
180774,"A gun and a bullet get into a heated argument Police still don't know who fired the first shot
"
219142,"(Halloween Party) Friend: What's your costume? Me: I'm dressed as """"A total disappointment"""" Friend: But you always wear that Me: Yeah.
"
47966,"Mary had a little lamb, until she learned about lamb chops.
"
10239,"I like my women how I like my cheese... ...blue, filled with holes, and wrapped in plastic in my fridge.
"
68210,"What do you give a sick bird ? Tweetment !
"
111531,"Why did the female warrior prefer the armor smith over the weapon smith? The weapon smith was a bit rapier
"
205660,"How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
"
91856,"Oh, you're talking to me again. Did you just break up with your boyfriend?
"
159296,"Sometimes when I attempt to make a joke as reply-all to a group email chain I hit the wrong button & just make joke to 1 weirded out person
"
202064,"Just like Jesus joke (NSFW) Came up with this: If I were gay and had sex with a jewish guy I'd be just like Jesus. Because I came into Jerusalem ridding on an ass.
"
215697,"My wife said i was being immature, so i told her to get the fuck out of my fort.
"
48319,"What do you call a Trump-supporting midget having a seizure? A Foul Munchkin Malfunction
"
147214,"Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in. Silver yells """" au, get outta here! """"
"
219226,"The number of my farts. . . is gastronomical.
"
187336,"Two Calamari Two calamari walk into a pub. Bartender asks, """"What'll ya have?"""" """"We'll have a Hurricane and a Sex On the Beach"""" says squid A. Bartender pauses and says, """"That'll be three squid then.""""
"
224,"A kiss will make her day But anal will make her hole weak
"
51246,"Blinding hatred is a perfectly healthy response to everything that other people do.
"
105980,"If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life. """"What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?""""
"
111783,"I had my identity stolen once. The next day I found it on my doorstep with a note saying, """"F@ck you, you can keep it.""""
"
21797,"What is Hitler's favorite letter in the alphabet? I don't know, but it's definitely not z's!!!
"
175148,"Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three what would you have ? Pupil : A fight !
"
60572,"Why is turkey happy? It just escaped from a coop.
"
81487,"Me: I'll have a Dr.Pepper. Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok? Me: Is he a doctor?
"
29909,"What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a unicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire
"
123408,"[homocide scene] DETECTIVE:""""my god, in my 25 years on the force i've never seen a dead ghost."""" COP:""""sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.""""
"
98122,"Why should you feel bad for the gay homeless population? Because they don't have any closets to come out of
"
81426,"What do Lumber jacks do in China? Chop sticks!
"
152193,"If I ever have a baby, I hope it's a puppy.
"
142543,"I hear they're making a new 50 euro note on grease proof paper
"
176139,"What do you call a bovine that won't leave Egypt? MOO-barak!
"
54957,"Nowadays People know the price of everything, But the value of nothing.
"
58827,"What do you do to a blind, deaf, dumb girl after raping her? You break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
"
73975,"God says to jesus, """"You remembered it's father's day?"""" Jesus says """"what the hell am I supposed to get a man who has everything?!"""" *God turns &amp; winks at camera* """"Omnipresents.""""
"
105608,"I saw this advert in a window that said: """"Television, 1$, volume stuck on full"""" I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.
"
183817,"Oh good, a gift card to Arby's. *waits for their birthday* Them: Thanks Aimee for the... *opens box* (cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
"
173308,"A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep I said 'Sure, seventy'.
"
12763,"Why are bodybuilders the best the best partners? Because with them it always works out.
"
180070,"Remember, I'm not an idiot...I just play one on-OH CRAP I'M ON FIRE! GUYS, HELP! I'M ON FIRE AGAIN! Oh wait...this is just an orange shirt.
"
124311,"A man goes to Macy's to buy a sweater. He swipes his card but it didn't register. The cashier asks him to try his card again and the man replies, """"I already did and it fits great!""""
"
222410,"deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio
"
10648,"What do you call a homeless orphan? Depressing
"
16969,"Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, """"Parking fine"""", so that was nice.
"
153182,"PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, """"You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!"""" DO NOT OPEN IT. It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.
"
94399,"A riddle: it's yellow and if you push the button it turns red... A chick in a blender.
"
116250,"Did you know NASA 30 years ago made a new space drink? Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP.
"
199133,"Did you hear the one about the gynecologist who was looking for a job? He could never find an opening.
"
127348,"Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys... Win/Win.
"
32660,"What's the most redundant sentence you can come up with? -department of redundancy department
"
76457,"My neighbor with the Confederate flag is harmless after all. He just drove off in the cutest little ghost costume.
"
176344,"My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick Especially since his name is Steve
"
86137,"I don't trust people with graph paper They're always plotting something
"
4705,"Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?
"
124289,"A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. Always been a family favourite.
"
99563,"Let's use this thread to tell Alabamian jokes... They won't be able to read them.
"
196632,"What did one little lesbian frog say to the other? """"We really do taste like chicken!""""
"
206560,"Why does the letter A look like a flower? Because Bs like flowers.
"
188101,"A new study has shown banana skins contain traces of LSD... I guess that explains why people are always tripping on them
"
162228,"(This one is better said than read)... What do you call a fish with no eyes?... ...a ***Fsh!!***
"
34471,"I have a photographic memory But I ran out of film a long time ago
"
179324,"I would've been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said """"I don't do romance"""" I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
"
175010,"Thank god for smart phones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom
"
96636,"Why did the blonde get fired from the M&amp;M factory? Because she threw away all the w's!
"
43247,"I thought it was odd that there is a Bass Pro Shop and a Dicks in the same shopping center.... But then I realized Bass Pro does attract dicks!
"
4299,"There is no 'I' in 'Denial'
"
26207,"I'm jealous of Santa... ...he can yell """"hoe hoe hoe"""" at anyone and get away with it.
"
143664,"I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company. We're not very good.
"
39825,"""""do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?"""" no, try using your phone [throws phone and hits wasp nest] *running* I meant google it
"
150929,"[Pours goldfish into aquarium] You're free now """"Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?""""
"
163924,"How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
"
21568,"My hamster died as he lived... in the microwave.
"
171091,"For their honeymoon, Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine Went to the beach and got a Tan. When they went back home, it took a Sec to find they needed a Cot.
"
148181,"Why do jews get so little annuity? Because they only worked from 38 to 45
"
81187,"Why did the hillbilly cross the road? His dick was in the chicken
"
15176,"Don't spell part backwards It's a trap
"
97594,"I'm so happy I'm not as cool as you. Because then I'd be a huge fucking asshole.
"
100753,"Did you hear about the movie with the Red Tractor? The trailer was better
"
163545,"Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would too if your name was """"GWWAAAANNNEEEHHHAARRRR""""
"
5142,"Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends? because they can't protect their towers
"
148484,"""""Omg there's a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant""""- no one, ever.
"
58438,"So a group of nerve cells are mingling for the first time. They look really nervous.
"
187691,"What does a Drake fan with AIDS get tattooed on his back? If you're reading this it's too late.
"
27915,"How do the French defend a city? We don't know, they've never tried it.
"
8991,"What do you call a women who always knows where her husband is? A widow
"
228273,"Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year...
"
102422,"i want a segway so i can ride my segway away from my problems
"
121431,"How many Potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
"
107079,"What do you call a dinosaur that sleeps around a lot? A carniv-whore.
"
214480,"Fortune Teller The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large!
"
150095,"I'm a man who hates rocks *smashes a rock with a sledgehammer* oh great I just made like a thousand more rocks
"
199888,"Your mother's so fat... she listens to Jimmy Buffet.
"
78764,"You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
"
138488,"The only clowns I'm afraid of... Are the ones running for president
"
219625,"Hippocrates was pretty damn smart ... for a horse.
"
74850,"My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
"
192918,"My butcher is very rude I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder
"
166709,"""""One man's trash is another man's treasure,"""" is an awesome phrase But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.
"
189014,"A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar. - comedy removed due to complaints -
"
180492,"What do you call 2 ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese? A paradux
"
185223,"What do a gynecologist and a pizza guy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.
"
152417,"A man returns to his chiropractor """"Back again?""""
"
152432,"What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!
"
83290,"Which two musicians are famous for saying, """"What?"""" Lil' Jon and Beethoven.
"
130793,"Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh
"
59762,"Some people are doing stuff with their lives!! Let's mock them.
"
54015,"Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
"
104589,"For those with kids who love Frozen..... Knock Knock. Whose there? You. You who? You Who, big summer blowout! (Norwegian accent)
"
168922,"GAY WEBSITE NAME C : ### . com...... for those that don't get it : c (see) : (colon) pound pound pound . com
"
111181,"How do you tell if you've posted an anitjoke in /r/Jokes? If someone comments saying you posted an antijoke and that you should rather post your joke in /r/antijokes.
"
121580,"Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?
"
43995,"What animal can only survive in temperate climates? A lukeworm.
"
56755,"How did Donald Trump know he had an STD? Because he was fired
"
127226,"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
"
24938,"anti-tattoo people saying """"my body's a temple"""" like they wouldn't worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
"
173228,"Why do sandwiches never have kids? Because they always turn out in-bread.
"
188354,"Why did Ginger go to the psych ward? Ginger snaps
"
8214,"What is the scientific measurement for moistness? Digits...
"
146195,"The Jonestown cult survivor was never any good at jokes. He always missed the punchline.
"
143190,"A repost walks into a bar... ....Nah, nevermind. You've probably heard it before.
"
94220,"What does 2 electrons say when the meet each other ? Hey, watt's up ?
"
54994,"My phone changed """"you wanna hang"""" to """"you wanna bang"""" and send........
"
161222,"I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
"
222617,"Jose was embarassed of his weight. No weigh Jose
"
63727,"I bought my cat a box of wine... The selfish rascal only wanted to play with the box! Also, it turns out I have a serious drinking problem and no cat.
"
218273,"Why'd the chicken cross the court? Because he heard the ref was blowin' fowels..
"
149271,"What kind of floor do dinosaurs' bathrooms have? Rep-tiles.
"
110378,"How do Australians find sheep in the long grass? Irresistible...
"
149814,"I had a bukkake party last night. You should have come
"
47972,"Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
"
229795,"Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
"
185116,"Surely I'm not the only who chews extra hard to make sure the Teddy Grahams are good and dead. Surely.
"
8045,"A powerful tornado tore through our town last night. So far, eight bodies have been found. Plot twister. It only damaged the graveyard.
"
152896,"Funny Sex Joke by S.K Are you from Iraq? Cause i like the way you BAGHDAD ass up ;P
"
49749,"I'm not flirting. I'm just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive. 
"
116939,"What do you call a vegetarian with bad gas? A leaf blower
"
115799,"What does an obese white woman have in common with a brick? Eventually, they're both getting laid by a Mexican.
"
24072,"The person who discovered electricity... Must have been quite shocked!
"
200111,"Abusing a word, done correctly I have eye opening experiences every day, quite literally.
"
94506,"I won't help a customer with their problem until they've been completely dehumanized.
"
3402,"I'm quitting the blueberry only diet. I haven't lost a pound and I'm getting tired of blueberry pancakes, muffins and poptarts every meal.
"
59736,"seems like you must have been preeeetty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
"
65663,"A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
"
63230,"[pizza delivery] Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip* uh HELL YEAH! *pulls out phone* see that RT button?
"
162339,"""""Knock Knock."""" """"Who's there?"""" """"Ghostbusters."""" """"Ghostbusters who?"""" """"Taco."""" Courtesy of my 3-year-old.
"
37058,"Five year old Little Johnny was lost so he went up to a policeman and said """"I've lost my dad!"""" The policeman said """"What's he like?"""" Little Johnny replied """"Beer and women!""""
"
119615,"I got this gem from a 6-year-old ...seriously, I need to get rid of it fast, the law really frowns on stealing from children.
"
119587,"The last time you got a piece of ass... Was when your fingers slipped through the toilet paper.
"
72910,"2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17,19 etc were the years when I was in my prime.
"
160063,"Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
"
99984,"Every time you reach under the couch for something a giant spider must choose whether or not to give up its secure location.
"
209798,"A blonde is walking down the street and sees a banana peel 10 ft in front of her She says to herself """"Oh no not again.""""
"
150856,"Don't you hate that feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.
"
170949,"What's an epileptic's favorite side dish? Seizure salad.
"
132435,"What do you say to a masochistic necrophiliac going through a beastiality phase? Stop beating a dead horse!
"
91075,"If by drinking responsibly you mean drinking out of a plastic cup rather than a glass one then you're damn right I am.
"
7038,"Cakeday special - what did the Chinese gangster do? Made him an offer he couldn't understand
"
189345,"If I owned a moving company, I'd call it 'Van Gogh.'
"
13150,"How do you get a guitar player to turn down his amp? Give him sheet music.
"
80749,"Why did the ghost go to the funfair. He wanted to go on the rollerghoster.
"
91418,"When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.
"
52751,"The Amish are starting to promote the use of condoms.... To help stop the spread of Abes.
"
215052,"What do you call a judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers!
"
130401,"Asked for Cheez-its Wife buys Cheese Nips Now she's sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
"
104954,"My friend told me this hilarious joke about Parkinson's last night But I don't want to tell it because I'm a little shaky on the details.
"
75134,"Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable... Who cares if you can see my balls?
"
43030,"Jokes written by kids http://imgur.com/gallery/hyQna
"
213734,"TIFU by mixing up my sub order at subway. Whoops, wrong sub.
"
151829,"What kind of trophy do I get every time I lift weights? Hypertrophy!
"
88118,"I tried to give myself a sex change... but I couldn't really pull it off.
"
206229,"If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes.... Will she be Rivers Phoenix?
"
50262,"Shoutout to my grandpa. That's the only way he can hear...
"
143385,"I don't have a problem with alcohol. Only without it.
"
139170,"Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he needed a poo. (As in, kneaded a poo.)
"
121703,"Was the principal's brother really a missionary? He certainly was. He gave the people of the Cannibal Islands their first taste of Christianity !
"
49388,"I went to visit my Grandpa... My Grandpa said, """"Your generation relies too much on technology!"""" I replied, """"No, your generation relies too much on technology!"""" Then I unplugged his life support.
"
191556,"Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
"
44031,"A man walks up to a taxi -How much would it cost to drive me to the center? -5 bucks -What if my wife comes as well? -Still 5 bucks. -Do you see now honey. You ARE worthless.
"
104558,"First Cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you  with last night? Second Cannibal: That was no girl that was my supper.
"
127729,"What do you call 2 Asians playing basketball? Won on Won. 2 Mexicans playing basketball: Juan on Juan. 2 Indians playing basketball: Khan on Khan.
"
137328,"The .01% of germs that remain alive in your mouth after mouthwash are the Liam Neeson guys who are really pissed and looking for revenge.
"
5342,"My best friend kept bragging about his expensive yacht Had to tell him to stop showboating.
"
70640,"I told my kids 10 good dad jokes to see if any of them would make them laugh. But no pun intended.
"
99297,"Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
"
47399,"if aliens show up and they're nice, we'll take them captive. and if they're mean, they'll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.
"
41612,"What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
"
171125,"What can't you spell without the letters p-e-n-i-s? Happiness... you dirty bastards
"
48405,"Why was my other pillow jealous? Because I like to sleep around.
"
38278,"Why are all computer scientists such pessimists? They always worry about the worst case!
"
17047,"bleakest Russian joke i know """"children! Your father hanged himself for some peace and quiet, not so you could have a swing-set!""""
"
182845,"Me: I've been constipated for 2 months. Friend: No shit?
"
211768,"Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.
"
129505,"Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
"
27287,"My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
"
69977,"What's the best name for a cigarette company? TOBA Co
"
138238,"What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? A Cameron Diaz
"
79920,"Friend: Hey dude, tell me a joke.  Me: Pussy.  Friend: I don't get it?  Me: I know you don't...
"
4486,"What is a pirates favorite letter? No, it's the C.
"
183727,"How did Mario bring back his brother after he got a Game Over? He used a Luigi Board.
"
42443,"I got asked out by 7 girls today... I was in the girls washroom.
"
171675,"The thin,healthy, smart people are really missing out on some horrible food at Burger King.
"
77105,"I will NEVER go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of broken rubber, no way am I leaving the same way
"
87483,"Candy corn is the rare candy that's worse than than the vegetable it's based on.
"
129002,"""""That's what she said"""" is a really versatile joke because you can put it anywhere That's what she said.
"
15467,"Why did the bear eat his own arms? They were made of honey.
"
62725,"Hope to get down to a weight where people don't think I have an opinion on movies.
"
43363,"I went to school with a girl who said her last name was Faux. I thought to myself, """"Man, that's got to be fake.""""
"
111698,"What is space like without a space suit? Breathtaking
"
59767,"I feel bad for kids in wheelchairs. I bet they get pushed around a lot.
"
106005,"What did the cat say to the banana? Banana. .. What did the cow say to the banana? Banana. .. What did the goat say to the banana? Baaah- nothing. Goats can't talk.
"
52730,"Why is Biotite the hottest mineral? Excellent cleavage.
"
132158,"What's hindi for milf? Mumbae
"
226809,"Brain: no Heart: yes Foot: don't ask me I'm a foot
"
30337,"Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!  Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes but I thought it was mine!
"
42235,"Q. Why does Rilla get mad when he's in a  race? A. Because all his friends shout """"GO-RILLA!""""
"
52709,"My doctor said my blood sodium level is apparently too high but I take everything with a grain of salt.
"
208205,"Amazon Prime Day
"
151541,"What do you call a white supremacist who doesn't eat meat? A vegitaryan
"
100458,"Why did the janitor flush the toilet? Because it was his duty.
"
219087,"How do you access a watersports/golden shower porn site if you don't know the URL? You just use the IP address
"
3677,"When I first met your mom, I fell in love with her because she had a kind face... The kind of face I want to fuck the shit out of!
"
231350,"I'm doing interval training. It's just that the intervals are very far apart.
"
178040,"I told my chiropractor that my spine was already in alignment, but he proved me wrong. Now I stand corrected.
"
100201,"Why does Donald Trump have a foreign wife? Because some jobs American's just won't do.
"
26780,"Al Gore to protest Amy Winehouse funeral... Something that toxic should not be going in the ground!
"
212344,"Pink Floyd is opening a gay bathhouse that focuses on glory holes They're gonna call it """"Another Prick in the Wall.""""
"
36777,"Ocean How does the ocean greet us?
"
68979,"why cant Ray Charles see his friends?? Because he's married.
"
133878,"Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it would scare the shit out of the dog.
"
71113,"In 1976, my friend asked me when's the last time I had sex... I replied, """"1950"""" He responded, """"that's a long time ago.."""" And I said, """"not really, it's only 2150 now.""""
"
168397,"Polynesian Hey, ever heard of the homesick, nymphomaniac Polynesian girl? Yeah, she kept longing for Samoa....
"
217034,"Don't ask the Norse professor about his old subject... It's a Thor subject. And he still doesn't want to Friggen talk about it.
"
176038,"A Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket ...and says """"some asshole's got my pen""""
"
105705,"A day or two after eating jalapenos I realize I've made a mistake That shit burns.
"
206703,"I haven't used algebra in 3x-q years
"
117258,"I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, But when i got home all the signs were there.
"
100783,"What's a crime that doesn't exist now, but might become illegal in 100+ years? Posting this question to r/askreddit.
"
187546,"Where do onions fight? In the onion ring!
"
139822,"WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.
"
164606,"Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like """"East.""""
"
120114,"Jill: Have you read the Bible? Jack: No I'm waiting for the film to come round.
"
15425,"Q: What kind of snake is good at math? A: An adder.
"
167237,"Why do marine biologists have such a high job satisfaction rate? Because they find their work gives their lives a great deal of porpoise.
"
123514,"There has been a rise in sheeple recently. Someone better tell the sheep shaggers to wear some protection.
"
161166,"Why is the mens bathroom such an angry place? It's where all the pricks hang out.
"
190408,"You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you work in the alzheimer's wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.
"
216321,"What does the beginning of the German alphabet start with? Not Z.
"
19388,"What's the difference between fucking you and 9/11? No one forgot about 9/11
"
181348,"Dentist says I need to be more aggressive when flossing, so I'm going to start barking.
"
204179,"Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as we're all giving up on New Year resolutions.
"
4341,"I hope this Hurricane is a Joaquin the park ;)
"
25479,"I like my women like I like my toasters... Two warm holes and never leaves the kitchen.
"
36335,"There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.
"
92101,"Has the airplane joke been posted yet? Eh never mind, it'll go over your head.
"
67297,"What do you call a group of JD Salingers? A Humble Hindi Bundle.
"
60216,"Im sorry I yelled """"GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE"""" when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn't be married
"
218536,"Pro Tip: Ask the guy sitting next to you if he's gonna freak out about you watching fetish porn before you waste $8 on in-flight wifi.
"
163615,"[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now] TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
"
42387,"How many Dependent P.D. does to take to  change a lightbulb? None he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.
"
130532,"Two boys were arrested... Two boys were arrested -- one was drinking battery acid, and one was eating fireworks. The authorities charged one and let one off.
"
99322,"[christmas lights are being put up] Every moth ever: oh hell yeah
"
34604,"Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama's campaign isn't going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.
"
82594,"phlegm I used to work in a seafood restaurant where my specialty was clam chowder. I got fired when I got over my cold
"
105943,"What's a traffic cop's favorite kind of sweater? A pull over.
"
97171,"Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he's taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
"
65143,"How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. 
"
122430,"What do you call a man with a spade in his head? An ambulance
"
212087,"Wanna hear a joke about ebola? Nevermind, you won't get it.
"
194114,"Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle? He always gets stuck on across.
"
191549,"So I was doing donuts in my car.. And a cop pulls me over. Now I know what you're thinking, who names their dog Donuts?
"
163766,"What do you get when you dissolve Zyklon B into Israel's water supply? A final solution
"
195434,"'Five dollars for one question!' said the girl to the fortune-teller. 'That's very expensiveisn't it ?' 'Next!'
"
173137,"What animals were last to leave the ark ? The elephants as they had to pack their trunks !
"
100700,"Did you know Wiener dogs are the the breed that bites the most people? Well, you would be pissed off too if your arms and legs were a foot long!
"
153953,"You can say what you like about Hitler... ...at least he killed Hitler.
"
4856,"Her: What do you do? Me: I drill for oil. G: That sounds interesting. M: No, it's really... H: Don't do it, I'll leave M:...just boring
"
60123,"Why did the elevator take antidepressants? It was feeling down
"
85346,"Thanks for the gold! I'm an optimistic guy.
"
215637,"Why did the perv leave? Because he came.
"
81877,"I ceaselessly seek validation from strangers. No joke, but that's why there would be a joke in the first place.
"
64121,"I used to be dyslexic but now I'm KO
"
16751,"Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.
"
108656,"You know the punchline before you're ever told the joke. What's the worst part about time traveling jokes?
"
79961,"If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing?
"
64058,"What did the diligent whore get for Christmas? lots and lots of karma
"
168580,"Boss: You need supervision. Me: *squints really, really hard*
"
194810,"10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that's not a reason to exercise, then I don't know what is.
"
141513,"I said bring your coffee maker whenever you want Them: great headphones on planes is heavier than flying over TEAs
"
96052,"Do you know anything about tapes and cd's? Do you think if i taped my dick to my forehead you could cd's nuts?
"
230814,"*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING
"
50494,"My Executive Director said to me """"Well aren't you an eager beaver"""" I was like """"Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???""""
"
15969,"Did you hear about the avon lady ? Max Factor
"
63734,"I once went out with a girl who worked with bees My friends said she was a keeper
"
218868,"whenever i get frustrated with the world i remember that some birds can talk and then i get so amped
"
23436,"I was blind for a while after eye surgery. Those were dark times.
"
98579,"Why do women love men who work with Horses? Because those men have got Stable jobs.
"
22388,"If you're not part of the solution, I think... well, technically, that makes you insoluble sediment.
"
148749,"The Beatles were so full of shit. They only used that yellow submarine residence for tax purposes.
"
209549,"[First day as hitman] ME: Don't worry boss, I'll deal with him accordionly. BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly? ME: *hides accordion* yes.
"
26472,"Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college
"
160589,"""""Grammar: it's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit""""
"
200426,"My friend keeps hiding Disney films in my lunch. I'm fed up.
"
98878,"I painted my computer black so it would run faster. But it was shot before it could start running.
"
230242,"Why did Mrs. Grape leave Mr. Grape? She was tired of raisin kids.
"
155425,"""""Dave just showed up"""" Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations? *Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I'M DTF """"Yeah I dunno""""
"
162159,"Did you hear about the baker who always fantasized about being a king? He walked into his bread oven room and said, """"All rise.""""
"
7104,"I have a new word for vibrator ... selfie stick
"
116043,"Yo mama so fat... She takes up more mass than her thin friend.
"
130475,"Did you hear about the little person psychic who broke out of jail? Police are looking for a small medium at large.
"
229438,"With all the hate about the black clone trooper He is a clone of Jango Fett brother, Django Fett. http://pmcvariety.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/star-wars-teaser.png?w=670&amp;h=351&amp;crop=1
"
175075,"My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners
"
51809,"In West Philadelphia born & raised/ through my anus is where I got most of my AIDS - Tom Hanks in Philadelphia'
"
48026,"How do you know when your sister is on her period? When your dad's dick tastes like blood.
"
155460,"I saw my sister watching the show """"Dexter"""" yesterday.. I thought it was a pretty weird show, but then again, I have seen stranger things on Netflix.
"
92651,"The STAR WARS super agressive marketing will probably change the name of Easter to """"The Christ Awakens""""
"
75061,"If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
"
58035,"What's the difference between a garbonzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbonzo bean on my face!
"
155662,"""""Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?"""" I protest as I'm dragged out of Ikea
"
130516,"I'm Puerto Rican, but not """"carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go"""" Puerto Rican. Sometimes it's in my bra.
"
142669,"I'm starting a Mexican hate group. It's called the quequeque.
"
229989,"At least people that have hit rock bottom are disciplining their pet rocks This joke brought to you by my ten year old son
"
227817,"Does anyone know of any rappers who are proud of their hometowns?
"
203709,"Hilary Clinton is trying to appear more normal by using the subway... ..., but Bernie Sanders claims she only uses it one tenth of one percent as much as he does.
"
79434,"Who said the first million was the hardest? Was it hitler?
"
68262,"Why aren't anal sex jokes funny? Because they tend to be inside jokes.
"
15055,"Jerry Seinfeld is at Best Buy. """"We've got a great deal on TVs today"""" the salesman says. """"What's the deal?"""" Jerry says. The Best Buy explodes
"
85216,"Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.
"
119686,"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job.
"
120972,"*Lexus dealership* Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?
"
109156,"I'm more than happy to take your sloppy seconds. Who am I kidding, I'll take corroded fourteenths.
"
138138,"I just found out about Shift Codes in Borderlands... I now have 100 golden keys.
"
173129,"Got my ass fucking handed to me at Candyland again today by my 3 year-old. This decade is going to SUCK.
"
17455,"Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls
"
224605,"Why should you never use r/television 's fridge to store mutton? It always spoils the GoT.
"
215813,"What does a black guy do after sex? 15 to life
"
34738,"What's the difference between you and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
"
69614,"I gave my girl an orgasm and she spat it right back in my face
"
33972,"Someone should start an organization called People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals. They'd all be knows as a bunch of PUTAs
"
70396,"What do you say to two dust particles making out in the street? Get a broom, you two.
"
92036,"Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
"
6720,"Am I the first with a Roof joke? Hope so. What is the source of Roof's racism? When he was young, his friends teased him by calling him Rufus.
"
46672,"Now picture me using proper grammar Wronger
"
39774,"Do you know why you should never hire a communist employee? Because they only work in theory
"
8728,"""""I'm dying call me an ambulance"""" Best friend: """"Ok dying, you're an ambulance""""
"
123776,"What do you call unleavened cheese? Matzahrella
"
81973,"I was having dinner with my folks when dad called me a son of a bitch. I said, """"Listen, I don't disagree--but she's sitting right THERE.""""
"
76848,"Why does Waldo always wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
"
99505,"Liz from HR just called me in. I guess my thigh gap is distracting everyone, like that's my fault
"
40787,"Inside Out 2: The girl enters puberty. Her emotions get out of control. She goes Goth. Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
"
47390,"Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first.
"
135084,"What sound does a Filipino horse make when it gallops? Tagalog-tagalog-tagalog-tagalog.
"
29844,"""""I'm not good at goodbyes."""" I am. See ya.
"
225018,"So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
"
25149,"Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home
"
1752,"How I reacted to the Fine Bros controversy... [deleted]
"
213668,"I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying """"gracias"""" at Mexican restaurants.
"
193387,"What do you call a female sex change? An add-a-dick-to-me.
"
125581,"You need glasses when you do maths Because it helps with division. -Barbara from Rooster Teeth
"
39601,"What happens when you piss off a pepper? They get jalapeno business.
"
133230,"How is education going to make me smarter?
"
216778,"My wife spiked my dinner with viagra and gave me an epidural. No hard feelings.
"
123454,"What do black people get on their math test? (Warning offensive!) Chicken grease.
"
206008,"*slips on a banamna peel* *lifts up banamna peel w/ end of pen* somone get the detective,. somwhere out there, theres a nude banana
"
49950,"Now that Christmas is over, don't forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid's toys.
"
140337,"Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
"
170912,"Can I sleep over at your house tonight? There's too much stuff on my bed
"
215416,"The largest circle jerk on the planet? http://i.imgur.com/fXivJ5X.jpg [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/fXivJ5X.jpg)
"
87675,"Fresno. I want to live in Fresno, because it rhymes. Rhymes with what? Because I said so.
"
75296,"A man bets his wife she can't tell him something that will make him happy and sad at the same time. """"You have the biggest penis out of all your friends"""" replies the wife.
"
32002,"What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? About one U.S Leader.
"
193225,"A recent study shows most Americans like to have sex on days that begin with T Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow
"
125846,"Killing people is just like smoking cigarettes I can stop whenever I want
"
79388,"""""Barista"""" is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
"
6849,"Never threaten anyone. It spoils the surprise.
"
204807,"i blame everything on the illuminati. stale bread? illuminati.
"
77805,"My grandfather said he'd never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks. And now we wait.
"
81226,"Lance Armstrong I hear Lance Armstrong was doping to win the Tour de France again this year.
"
221723,"""""Well I'll be damned."""" said atheist when rapture happened.
"
119463,"Why couldn't the blonde count to 70? Because 69 was a mouthful
"
113101,"A termite walks into a bar... And asks, """"is the bartender here?""""
"
221885,"Anybody Home? Yes, I am alone come in (house wife) Husband: WTF! (who came early from the office)
"
174906,"My heart goes out to all those frustrated people who are stuck in Traffic, on their way to the Gym to ride Stationary Bicycles...
"
30117,"How are blowjobs and hollandaise sauce alike? You can't get either at home.
"
137568,"How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away his credit card.
"
52998,"Q: Why is a room full of married people empty? A: There isn't a single person in it.
"
111114,"Two men walk into a bar... They're blind, it happens.
"
132351,"""""Who am I?"""" she beckoned the stars. Stars: We've gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
"
59802,"What do computer programmers and aged-care nurses have in common? They both worry about the position of colons.
"
127289,"Q: What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common? A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips.
"
121975,"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that.
"
104825,"He said the spark between us was gone. So I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up
"
64727,"Just made 7 decisions based on my phone's battery life.
"
117417,"I think it's fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I'd fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
"
42088,"When someone asks if I want to hold their baby, I casually mention that I'm constantly tempted to see how far I can throw things.
"
31791,"A really twisted joke What do Ted Bundy and the Space Shuttle Colombia have in common? They both left bodies in four states.
"
105112,"Why does the new new French navy have glass bottomed boats? So they can see the old French navy.
"
175885,"A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church... """"You can't be here"""" says the pastor The Higgs Boson particle responds """"But with out me, how can you have mass?!""""
"
112031,"A baby seal walks in to a club. . . .
"
130338,"Greatest days of my life: 3) Day I got married 2) Day my first kid was born 1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
"
220545,"How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None! The room's been dark ever since Jose got deported!
"
193261,"What's something that some people don't get about jokes with sexual innuendo? That it's a fucking joke.
"
92879,"Tickle me Elmo was recalled They forgot to give him two test tickles.
"
182160,"Arthur Miller underratedly sucked at naming characters. """"Biff""""?? """"Happy""""?? Dude, take five more minutes.
"
77641,"What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his  head in the fan? It took ears off his life!
"
228282,"My son just handed me a duck & a pig from his puzzle & smiled as if that made us """"even"""" for all the food/clothing I've given him.
"
192138,"If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it might be a grebe. Know your waterfowl.
"
34277,"Why was """"C"""" afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because they were """"Nazis""""!!!! eyyyyy :D
"
36472,"My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn't feel like it.
"
196843,"How is a penis and a paycheck the same? Neither one is big enough to satisfy your wife
"
171951,"You wouldn't know her. She goes to a different Internet
"
185532,"If Trump wins after Obama leaves office... Does that mean that orange really is the new black?
"
126021,"What's the best thing about getting Reddit at a young age? Getting tired of sandwich jokes before embarrassing oneself on one's first date.
"
38476,"Matthew McConaughey is for Matthew McConaughorses
"
102514,"Pig Breeding by Lena Bacon
"
54366,"I hate going to liquor stores. Everyone wines about everything.
"
31326,"I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added """"they fall right off""""
"
41429,"A blind guy walks into a bar ... then a stool, then a chair...
"
3432,"Why should you buy Adrian Peterson sun screen? Because it is very strong at beating the son.
"
122826,"[heaven's IT department] Ok, I see why your computer's crashing. Have you been closing doors again? God: Yes, why? Too many open windows
"
197931,"I bought shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced it with,but I've been tripping all day.
"
55741,"Not only is my new thesaurus terrible... ...but it's also terrible.
"
181355,"How many potatoe does it take to kill a Latvian? none (inspired by /u/aces613 )
"
46369,"Minnie asked Mickey Are you F*****g Crazy Mickey Replies 'No I'm F*****g Daisy
"
108652,"They should really replace, """"I now pronounce you man and wife"""" with """"FINISH HIM!!""""
"
78485,"[writing own obituary before going to the zoo just in case] """"his hatred of lions was well known and dreamt of fighting one two of them""""
"
160825,"My dad was cutting up onions and I started tearing up. Onions was a great dog. :'(
"
115635,"Since 3D is so popular, all my tweets will be in 3D from now on. But you have to supply your own glasses.
"
8936,"Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
"
27589,"What is your best lawyer joke? I need some new material for the court house.
"
2849,"In Flint, Michigan, students have no difficulty learning A  G and P  Z. The problem's H to O.
"
46328,"Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.
"
222016,"Kids, rap music has been around since 1979, we've all heard it. You aren't being edgy by playing it loudly at an intersection.
"
46621,"What's the difference between an Iraqi school and an Iraqi Army base? One poses a significant potential threat to ISIS and its continued existence. The other is an Iraqi Army base.
"
161743,"What's a pirate's favourite letter? A P. Because it's like an ARR, but it's missing a leg.
"
229241,"What do spies say in bed? Shh I'm undercovers
"
212955,"Why nuns don't wear bras? God supports everything.
"
50774,"Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
"
189584,"I admit I've had sex with over 30 women in my life But it only happened one time.
"
110507,"TIL the band Tenacious D didn't actually sing the greatest song in the world It was just a tribute
"
62729,"I thought up a color that doesn't exist... It's just a pigment of my imagination.
"
117632,"Why is the all-seeing eye the symbol of the occult? Because they want us all under super-vision!
"
140569,"Some Might Say This is the World's Funniest Joke Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
"
113717,"I like my coffee like I like my wife... cold and bitter.
"
216460,"For breakfast this morning... I had ebola cereal!
"
169701,"Friends from school are like hot dogs You have them because they're there, not because you love them
"
205401,"If woman had apostrophes instead of periods, they'd be even more possessive and prone to contractions.
"
139612,"Selected a charity for my major donations this year. It's called Blink.org. They provide turn signals to the masses who can't afford them.
"
44680,"Is anyone on Twitter named Sarah Connor? If so, where do you live? Nothing to worry about, just a simple survey for my neural net processor.
"
210570,"Why does Michael Jackson love placing 2nd in races Because he loves coming in a little behind
"
23253,"The President of the United States, the Prime Minister of England, and the King of Thailand walk into a bar in Bangkok and the bartender says """"May I get you and your guests drinks, Your Majesty?""""
"
213030,"What's black &amp; white and can't turn around in an elevator? A nun with a javelin through her neck.
"
198431,"What do you call a black person on the moon? An astrounaut you racist bastard!
"
194431,"""""Y'know, she was actually pretty convincing."""" - Me walking out of a movie where Meryl Streep plays a Chinese UFC fighter
"
81876,"What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? You slow down and add lubricant.
"
68657,"If a gay guy jumps on your back... do you leave him there, or do you beat him off?
"
197670,"""""Could you not joke about tragedies?"""" my friend once said to me. Studies show that 9 out of 11 people find these kind of jokes to be offensive.
"
115150,"Worst thing about having a one-syllable name: Every """"Happy Birthday"""" singer stretches it out awkwardly to fit the song. """"Paaaa-aul""""
"
89538,"Every single person my age... ...is 43.
"
212946,"*as girl walks in* 98, 99, *grunts* 100 """"Wow, push-ups?"""" Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
"
171817,"It's windows 10 because 7 8 9
"
131130,"I'd totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren't really a tangible physical manifestation.....
"
85600,"How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking ... J K Rowling
"
52560,"When I die I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.
"
26718,"How did Roman magistrates keep fit? Pontius Pilates.
"
106285,"What is the hardest part about sleeping with twenty one year olds? There is twenty of them
"
104313,"My wife called me an alcoholic, and I was so taken aback I spilled my drink... But I was able to wring out the placemat back into the glass, so everything's ok!
"
223096,"How to spot an Aussie 1. Shout 1 3 DOUBLE OH! 2 Wait till someone shouts """"6 TRIPLE 5 OOOHHHH 6""""
"
160457,"Did you hear about the guy who won the Nobel for inventing time travel to the future? He was ahead of his time.
"
176167,"I don't have a girlfriend.. I just know someone that would be really mad if they ever heard me say that
"
30021,"How quick she mentions her husband/fiance/boyfriend is directly related to how creeped out she is by you.
"
64490,"I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.
"
114563,"Rick Astley will give you almost any Pixar movie... But he's never gonna give you Up!
"
155352,"Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
"
158872,"Whats the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates.
"
19408,"I don't want to just eat Olive Garden. I want to eat OLIVE it.
"
70574,"Q: Older Brother: """"Hooray! School's out! I'm free! I'm free!"""" A: Younger Brother: """"So what? I'm four!""""
"
132937,"Word on the streets is.... """"LOADING ONLY""""
"
45770,"What did the Jewish pedophile say? """"Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?""""
"
133796,"Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn't always talking about the liquor.
"
127275,"Mona Lisa 1o acto:Una mona aplastada. 2o acto: La misma mona aplastada. 3o acto: La misma mona aplastada. Como se llama la obra? """"La Mona Lisa.""""
"
163912,"Reddit is like sex A well-placed thumb makes all the difference
"
143201,"Why is it weird that the Jews killed Jesus? They love prophets
"
59320,"Why a centipede cannot fly coach? Not enough leg room!
"
14012,"I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.
"
8997,"Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
"
55210,"For an international audience, spell the pop star's name as """"KeUSDha.""""
"
88341,"Mama Pig has a great new kitchen appliance that lets her prepare meals ahead. It's called a garbage compactor.
"
91717,"What do you call a woman who uses Vagisil? a Basic bitch
"
69624,"I carry an epipen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
"
49833,"What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't Jelly my dick in an ass.
"
45893,"What does an impatient cow say? Mooove the fuck out my way
"
94783,"Just Admit it Your biggest lie was &amp; still is : """"I have read and agrees\d to the terms of service.""""
"
45573,"I don't like the Powerballs....only one person ever wins, is what I told my dad after he asked whether or not he was hurting me.
"
111753,"I always hate going to my Rastafarian friends house its dreadful
"
97444,"A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables... The bartender says, you can have a drink, but ya better not start anything
"
218724,"You'd think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
"
92553,"when life gives you lemons make apple juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
"
228419,"""""Nothing there? Better bark at it."""" - a dog
"
113555,"Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
"
4854,"Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
"
17505,"If I die before I wake, I pray the lord will clear my browsing history.
"
116864,"Why are there 2 doors on a chicken coupe? Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan
"
147706,"""""Dean, what do you think is a reasonable price point for a chocolate cake?"""" """"Good question, Deluca. I'm gonna say $95.""""
"
99515,"Favorite Old People Jokes
"
58122,"(First Day as Mailman) ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup? BOSS: You're supposed to deliver those. ME: No.
"
177183,"iPad Apple will be unveiling a larger iPad. Proctor &amp; Gamble is set to file suit over trademark infringements over Apple's new Max iPad.
"
201145,"during my morning commute i like to make the """"roll down your window"""" gesture to the car next to me then yell """"DID YOU POOP YET TODAY?""""
"
96539,"What do you call the shiniest people? Polish
"
203489,"Pluto Its Self Ex-Planetary
"
38024,"If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they'd shower more and fart less.
"
133352,"Pretty sure Tiger is wasting valuable babysitter fucking time with this press conference.
"
219016,"Me: Is there alcohol in this? Barista: ... No ma'am. Me: Can there be?
"
201051,"Charlie Sheen is like Ash Ketchum BeBecause they both catch things
"
49155,"What do you call a 1 ton toilet? EL-ton John
"
154181,"Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
"
181089,"Why are there so many Chinese people? Because as soon as you fuck a Chinese girl, you're horny again half an hour later.
"
205981,"Science Joke :) Two scientists walk into a bar. Bartender: So what would you two like? Scientist 1: I'll have some H2O. Scientist 2: I'll have some H2O too. (H2O2)
"
185989,"What is the chemical composition of a fire hydrant? K9P.
"
207820,"Why is physics inherently racist? There's only two types of bodies: the free body and the black body.
"
46155,"You know you have a struggle of being a Vietnamese When your first name is Dat, last name is Ho and the teachers call the whole thing out
"
124917,"Why don't black people pay rent? Because jail is free.
"
143788,"What did the grocery store owner say to the customer that asked him if he sold tires? He shrugged and said, """"I've got asparagus.""""
"
172587,"My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don't know, that seems pretty far fetched.
"
118131,"A doe walks out of a forest... and says """"Well I'll never do that for a buck again.""""
"
169754,"Food is like dark humor. Not everybody gets it.
"
66967,"Does racism still exist? Let's go to this panel of white people to find out.
"
224018,"What do you get when you cross a bunny with a leek? A bunion.
"
126790,"To the guy who invented Zero... Thanks for nothing!
"
73049,"DAD: Think an earthquake's coming. MOM: Check Rocky; dogs always know. DOG *analysing seismic data*: I anticipate magnitudes of 6 or more.
"
29747,"When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky. They're always 20 years behind everything. Mark Twain
"
195364,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away for North Korea's long range missiles.
"
137807,"Die Hard VIII: Die Even More Harder: Mostest Harderest.
"
204933,"Every time you hire a clown for a kid's birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
"
107719,"Epic camping trip last weekend!! It was in tents.
"
213696,"How many people with Alzheimer's did it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
"
89815,"I'm addicted to brake fluid... ....but I can stop whenever I want.
"
208542,"Dad always said, """"Never get on one knee for a girl... ...who won't get on both for you.""""
"
56620,"It's impossible to touch your elbows behind your back. You just pushed your boobs towards me.
"
123163,"Why did the chicken cross the road? bu-buk-buk- becaaause! (pretend i made chicken noises)
"
4667,"Fastfood Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries! Man: Right here! Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight. Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait... Clerk: &gt;:D
"
97739,"I guess Stephen Hawking tried stand-up comedy recently He failed miserably.
"
227217,"What do you call an Asian man with one leg? Tie Won Shoo
"
113785,"So a termite walks into a bar and asks... """"Is the bartender here?'
"
49373,"your mom is so stupid.... when I said it was chilly out she ran out the door with a spoon
"
138266,"My daughter gets all bossy when we're playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she's at school I play with them the way I want.
"
211636,"What do you call an integral that doesn't like derivatives? An anti-derivative.
"
190252,"What are the most common mistakes your ______ makes in bed?
"
129579,"Why can't Stevie Wonder see his kids? Because he's black.
"
106360,"What's the difference between kinky and perverted ? Kinky you use a feather; perverted you use the whole chicken !
"
126165,"i had a dream a policeman came into my apartment and gave me a field sobriety test and i failed and went to jail
"
89873,"sorry for my absence, i've been hiding inside my head
"
202504,"Would an Australian WiFi network... ...be a LAN down under?
"
94050,"Whats the difference between Bob Marley and Heracles? Heracles beat Cancer
"
218223,"Did it hurt? When I subtly insulted you to lower your self esteem in order to make you subconsciously seek my approval because I am a socio
"
130038,"What does a bunny use when it goes fishing? A harenet.
"
173284,"got a job at the no more tears baby shampoo factory spraying shampoo into babies eyes and filming their reactions. best job ive ever had
"
56696,"Daughter comes home with shirt inside out. Me: Why is your shirt on wrong? Daughter: I think you old people call it: """"second base""""
"
161693,"I like my women like my coffee, hot, black, and bitter.
"
74762,"Q: Why didn't the pig have to pay for drinks on the cruise? A: It was all-oink-lusive.
"
77436,"What does American Beer and making love on the beach have in common? They're both fucking close to water.
"
150954,"What do you call Jewish folk that died from agent orange? *german accent* Orange Juice
"
75190,"Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
"
128140,"5 Strategies to stop arguing whit your Women 1. Admit she is right 2. Admit she is right 3. admit she is right 4. admit she is right 5. run for your life
"
161215,"What did the farmer say when he found dynamite in one of his cows? This is a bomb in a bull.
"
106149,"My pet lizard was acting really strange the other day so I took it to the vet. She said it was a reptile dysfunction.
"
106105,"Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag.
"
183569,"How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the bulb has to be large enough.
"
16454,"7 y/o daughter: Why don't they have tape for your burrito but you could eat the tape? And now I know what Einstein's parents felt like
"
51406,"What's worse than finding a dead monkey on your piano? Finding a diseased beaver on your organ.
"
74002,"When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
"
178392,"I pulled on a door that says push. Cause I don't let a fuckin door tell me what to do.
"
192559,"I called work and told them I have Anal Glaucoma... Just couldn't see my ass coming in today.
"
12947,"Was that pun intended? Nope, unintended.
"
69731,"Hooters is starting a home delivery service. It's called Knockers.
"
2289,"Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
"
155633,"Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I'll sleep in the other room.
"
196603,"The Democratic National Committee. That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.
"
177716,"What do you call the Irish guy who always brings flan to the potluck? Shaun O'flanagan
"
119265,"100 kiloPascals go into a Bar..........
"
192206,"What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people? 1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired
"
157975,"Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.
"
139079,"Understanding women isn't rocket science. Rocket science has rules and boundaries.
"
44448,"I wish the mailman would come to my house at the same time as the garbage man so he could give my mail directly to him.
"
118514,"I'm opening a restaurant called """"It doesn't matter, whatever you want"""" since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
"
190195,"Hm. Not sure whether to scold my son for chasing the cat or thank the cat for excersizing my son...
"
34890,"What kind of meat does a priest eat? Nun. (this one is probably a little better spoken)
"
87742,"Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last book you read.
"
120694,"Where do cats go when they die? Purrgutory.
"
64484,"Why haven't any subscribers to r/TheRedPill played Overwatch yet? They don't play the beta.
"
12573,"Yo mama's like the sun you look at her to  long you will go blind!
"
197157,"TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy TIMMY: I'm scared to look. TEACHER: Don't worry. It's all B's lol *opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
"
218392,"What do you call Jehova's Witnesses in Chinese Ding Dong
"
131776,"Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape? He was colour-blind.
"
97462,"I've always wanted to know how long """"forever"""" was... and by looking at some people's relationships, it's around 2 to 4  weeks.
"
82235,"Chuck Norris can live on the dark Side of the moon............naked
"
29315,"Did you hear about the Finn who  spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an  earthquake.
"
181055,"I like to yard work listening to Judas Priest... ......singing at the top of my lungs: RAKING THE LAWN RAKING THE LAWN!
"
204627,"Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.
"
19368,"What do you call a wet spy? James Pond (   )
"
94088,"I have something to say to anyone who has more than one Bachelor Degree That's a bunch of B.S.
"
183464,"Some people have 32 teeth. Others have 10. It's simple meth.
"
9910,"Why was the cat scared of the tree? Because of its bark
"
147840,"Cashier: haha that's a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh Me:... Cashier:... Me:... Cashier:... Me: yep
"
186871,"What's the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeve.
"
20402,"I would tell you a chemistry joke about Sodium and Bromine Oxide but... Na BrO
"
21684,"""""What goes down must come up."""" -Sir Anorexic Newton
"
167338," What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer. 
"
19072,"Come on, terrorists. Stuff your pockets with colorful beads before exploding. It doesn't have to be ALL negative.
"
57264,"How do you blindfold an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
"
220808,"Just one. How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?
"
160867,"Why does C. Ronaldo comb his hair every game break? So it won't get too Messi.
"
104010,"[picking name for new puppy] 13: Pixie. 16: Rosie. Wife: Annie. Me: BATMAN!
"
184337,"What's both blue and purple and never seen again? This thread :/
"
122553,"How do you kiss a florist? With tulips.
"
123585,"Why doesn't Ronald Reagan drink orange juice? Because he's dead.
"
47613,"What did the Zune say to the iPod? You da real MP3.
"
55002,"What do you call a fast sheep in Ireland? A virgin.
"
214622,"Why is the iPhone 6 the coolest smart phone around? Carry it around in your pocket for a while and it'll be on every selfie you take.
"
27280,"""""ok start it up"""" tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk """"give it some gas"""" ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh any ideas? """"I can't hear over you beatboxing""""
"
610,"My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn't expecting I'd be dissecting so many white mice.
"
214057,"If you're angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it's not me please add """"Not you Jim."""" at the end. Thank you.
"
355,"Me: .... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
"
137838,"Robert Pattinson said Kristen Stewart humiliated him. Then he added it was even more humiliating than being in Twilight.
"
124813,"When Chuck Norris says """"More cowbell"""", he MEANS it.
"
142459,"What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot with a vampire? It bit his neck sucked his blood and said """"Who's a pretty boy then?""""
"
74264,"How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb? One. Just because she's dead doesn't mean she can't still screw.
"
171588,"What has 2 eyes, 2 belly buttons and 2 legs? 2 pirates.
"
43287,"Why don't Rooster's wear underwear? Because their pecker's on their face
"
166009,"I was pretty excited about this box of elbows before I saw that it was only macaroni.
"
204229,"I've got a message for all you """"migratory ducks"""" out there: If you're going to come to our country, learn some freaking English.
"
69811,"Light a fire for a man, he'll be warm for the night. Light a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
"
137304,"What did the Triceratops sit on? Its Tricerabottom.
"
15227,"What's Jared's favorite Subway bread? Italian Herbs and Child Pornography.
"
96415,"What is Napoleon Dynamite's Favorite TV Dinner? Tot Pockets
"
196881,"PERSON: Want a slice? ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread P: From your diet? M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure...from my diet
"
146467,"If your father is a Priest, could you call him Father dad? Shit thought, shit joke.
"
146861,"""""Why is it that whenever there's two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..?""""
"
34744,"Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
"
85800,"Cashier: Smile! Me: Worry about your own face.
"
105457,"Written on the Bathroom Wall... *Here I sit Broken-hearted Tried to rhyme Couldn't even get the meter right.*
"
154314,"Q: Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? A: Because she had no guts!
"
206145,"If my cat smoked weed it would be Meowi Wowee
"
26419,"Getting ready to ask my black friends what finna ax means.
"
203861,"Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
"
225268,"Two women were sitting quietly...
"
72608,"Last night, I had dinner at one of those illicit restaurants where you can dine on endangered species. I left there full of egret.
"
215010,"Marriage is like fruit Honeydew this, Honeydew that...
"
36607,"What do you call Wolverine post-op? An x-man.
"
217956,"My Load Is So Big Jokes http://myloadissobig.blogspot.com/
"
194653,"Tasty Tattoo My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other. She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
"
228449,"What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a shipcarrying blue paint? Both crews were marooned.
"
50449,"When your body is a solid 10 But your intro and conclusion need work
"
58702,"A magician was walking down the street... ... and then he turned into a store.
"
172145,"How do you get a black guy out of a tree? Cut the rope!
"
75587,"What do ISIS and Little Miss Muffet have in common? They both have Kurds in their way.
"
188976,"Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded
"
4700,"After several drinks last night, I had a great Buzz. Unfortunately I was no longer able to get a Woody.
"
96757,"Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses. Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.
"
215905,"The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
"
215705,"If Sesame Street really cared about children they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
"
19993,"Failed my biology test today: They asked, """"What is commonly found in cells?"""" Apparently """"black people"""" wasn't the correct answer.
"
55179,"9/11 jokes are not funny guys.. The other 2, however, are hilarious!!
"
194062,"Joke: Where did AT&amp;T get their 2007 slogan? Ireland: More bars in more places
"
571,"What was Hitler's last two words? Oy Vey!
"
94544,"Edward Scissorhand's death was probably from running.
"
189852,"A rusted van sits under a bridge. Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks. Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe. """"WHY COULDN'T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?""""
"
58055,"The Enola Gay Made rice crispies long before Kellogg's
"
170176,"What happens after Amy Chua? Amy Swallowa.
"
133430,"Why are dockhands never featured in Miley Cyrus music videos? Because they're port workers.
"
203193,"Shouldn't russia have the mos dairy? Cause you know, They have the moscow? Sorry for the cheesy joke :/
"
4070,"Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
"
210757,"Why can't men be accountants? because they don't understand periods
"
5478,"""""Does this leaf make me look fat?"""" - Eve.
"
97298,"What did the racist cannibal have for breakfast? Nigger-o's
"
201072,"What is the favorite note of a priest? A minor
"
181508,"The year is 42069. We've stopped changing the date, it's just always the year 42069 and people spell their names with emojis. It's awesome.
"
225351,"Why don't women fart? They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure
"
184295,"Why did the Hippy Drown? he was tooooo faaaaaaar oouuuuutttt maaaaaannnn
"
2511,"BREAKING NEWS: California's drought is over Water supply flourishing from the tears of the racist, homophobic, and conservative southerners.
"
45631,"Don't argue with strangers on the Internet. Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.
"
180387,"I sealed a fart in a jar for my wife to open because I know how to romance a lady.
"
167671,"Ben and Kyle are talking. Kyle says to Ben I had a one night stand. To which Ben replied what do you have now?
"
96139,"My angry wife controls everything. She even said I had to stop eating candy at work... ... so I had to fire her
"
165660,"Hey'd you hear about that guy who's half Indian, half Canadian? Yeah, his name is Aziz I'msorry
"
58912,"Did you hear about the truck full of blueberries that crashed on the highway? It caused a traffic jam.
"
31985,"Shoe repair guy: so what happened? [cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet] Me: I stepped in a..puddle
"
218034,"What does Jared from Subway have in common with McDonald's? They put their meat in 10 year old buns.
"
184507,"[1st day as a paramedic] me: can you point to where it hurts cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
"
64719,"What do you call an orgy with five black people? A threeway
"
22963,"If we didn't have lawyers... We wouldn't need lawyers!
"
186001,"How did the native find his sister in the woods? Pretty good!
"
198649,"My Roomba sucked up some cocaine & cleaned the entire house in 5 mins. Now my jewelry's missing & the Roomba's trying to bang the blender.
"
101521,"What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
"
124532,"What do they call diarrhea at Hogwarts? expellianus!
"
109960,"Why is african education so behind? Because instead of learning their abcs they learn their stds
"
164359,"Want to hear a joke? I was going to tell a gay joke, butt fuck it.
"
83135,"What goes """"Clip""""? A one legged horse!
"
149216,"To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want... Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
"
29625,"Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous
"
12881,"After months of trying to find a job... ...my mate has recently found work in making chess pieces. He starts next week on nights.
"
5367,"My wife said to me, """"Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?""""
"
125236,"Donald Trump is getting back into the air travel industry... He's launching...Receding Hairlines
"
202517,"""""There's no I in TEAM,"""" he yells. """"There's no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,"""" I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
"
169904,"Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no...
"
41861,"With what do Mexicans use to cut pizza? Little Ceasars
"
55479,"I was going to tell a Voldemort joke.... But everyone already nose it.
"
170009,"Why was the one y.o. Ethiopian child crying? Because he was having his mid-life crisis.
"
104460,"Interested in: ( ) men ( ) women (X) food
"
227180,"Why does Japan love Obama? He is first Barack president.
"
78947,"""""This is your Captain speaking..."""" """"...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there.""""
"
76747,"I just answered someones question with..... I Reckon. and now I have to move to Oklahoma.
"
132364,"I had a dream I was sitting in a motel room in Hell, so I turned on the television and started flipping through the channels. All the shows were closed-captioned for the visually impaired.
"
23711,"Hey guys, what's the name of that movie where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager?
"
152925,"Me: Got your nose! Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
"
134334,"I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like 'Loves Abortions Brenda' or 'Eats Her Feelings Julie'.
"
119359,"Best day to propose a girl Hey U Know Which is the best day to propose a girl.. April 1 U Know Why?? If she accept its your luck otherwise just tell April Foooooll.
"
231254,"I believe that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
"
137608,"Why didn't the grizzly bear dissolve? Because he wasn't polar
"
53728,"*adds 'memory loss' to Symptoms* *adds 'memory loss' to Symptoms* *adds 'memory loss' to Symptoms* *adds 'memory loss' to Symptoms*
"
169459,"My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex... Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???... No!!!
"
59448,"The most artistic boxer Just watched some Evander Holyfield highlight videos. Such artistry! He's like the Vincent Van Gogh of the boxing world.
"
44615,"Why was the wall in a store? Because it's wal-mart.
"
94763,"The back-to-front comb over: Where mullets are laid to rest.
"
67009,"What do you call a virgin redneck? An orphan
"
180434,"What is heavier -- 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers? 200 pounds of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
"
130508,"Whoever decided to print nutritional information on ice cream cartons should be arrested and tried for the murder of my happiness.
"
110379,"My girlfriend and I tried playing doctor... She stayed over the weekend and I sent her a bill for $180,000.
"
145092,"Why do lesbians shop at sports authority? Because they don't like DICKS.
"
48487,"What's black, grey, and red all over? A gorilla with a child in the enclosure.
"
33520,"i don't do crossfit, i cross """"fit"""" off my list of goals. way easier.
"
7854,"Kim Kardashian's ass is ridiculous He's egotistical too
"
29928,"""""Fig Newtons: they're like a funeral in your mouth!""""
"
134853,"Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
"
4800,"I played a blank CD full blast on repeat all night last night. The mime next door went nuts!
"
187641,"Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my Facebook status...
"
157108,"Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can't park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
"
24502,"What's a crackhead with no drugs? Crack-a-lacking
"
167104,"TIL of Charles' Law: """"The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer.""""
"
211301,"""""Knock Knock"""" """"Who's there?"""" """"Wanda"""" """"Wanda who?"""" """"Wanda go out with me?""""
"
117525,"This one has always tickled me! My father is the inventor of the rear view mirror. He means a great deal to me but looking back we're not as close as we seem!
"
72297,"Live debate - where is the """"China"""" counter? Someone must be doing this :)
"
52666,"Why did the doorman get a raise? He was always out standing.
"
148933,"Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire? A Snowman.
"
24495,"Iron Man is a super hero... Iron woman is a command.
"
85832,"Where do the burgers go on New Year's Eve? To a meat ball!
"
193700,"Why did the bees build the hive? It's in their beehavior.
"
216909,"""""Relax. It's not a competition."""" """"Right. That's what I say."""" """"But I said it first.""""
"
145038,"3 Bears This is a joke my father told me. Once upon a time, there were three bears. They came across a girl with pink hair, it made them so mad... They moved.
"
53967,"Why do female zombies have such a terrible sex life? Because whenever they shout, """"I want you inside me."""" all of the guys run away.
"
16283,"Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
"
25206,"*comes into work with black eye* oh please I'm fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
"
66899,"What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.
"
132927,"Knock knock *knock knock* """"who's there?"""" *knock knock* """"who's there?"""" *knock knock* """"who's there?"""" *knock knock* """"Quick! Open the coffin I don't think he's dead!""""
"
201393,"I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyear s.
"
190399,"Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we'll stop Eddie Murphy.
"
83182,"What do you call a terrorist who's always late? 9/12
"
107913,"How do you eat the Flesh Hounds? WH40K Humor: I don't know about you, but I prefer my Khorne Dogs with ketchup.
"
163603,"Which kind of ink do you put in your computer's printer? Black Red or Iced? Iced Ink? Well yes you do but I didn't want to mention it.
"
22859,"If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret. Then punch the person in the face.
"
99916,"""""holy crap....um guys?!"""" - the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
"
207659,"On average, a single male has sex 89 times a year. Tomorrow is going to be really awesome for me!
"
15341,"Where do dinosaurs get their pickles from? Vlasic Park
"
113912,"My husband and I are trying to set up a new password for our computer. My husband puts, """"Mypenis,"""" and I fall on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, """"Error. Not long enough.""""
"
96095,"What did they call taxi drivers in Nazi Germany? Ubermensch.
"
175367,"My girlfriend keeps telling me i need a job... I said """"with your hands or your mouth?""""
"
63163,"What do you call a Syrian sex toy? A blowup doll
"
181179,"I have sixth sense, I see stupid people.
"
178723,"What do Mexicans use to cut a pizza? Little Caesar's
"
16721,"What do you call a construction company that only employs midgets? Clearly short handed.
"
17324,"""""Welcome to Fight Club,"""" said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
"
67398,"""""BRB"""" - Hindu Gravestone
"
187485,"What's large, black and steals your credit cards? Sony Playstation
"
217431,"Which Pokeman has the best sex? Squirtle
"
25528,"There is a blind guy called Miles, what is the name of his guide dog? Roger Daltrey.
"
221592,"Two guys are on a boat with three cigarettes but nothing to light it with. What do they do? They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
"
184643,"Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don't believe in it. nigga I don't believe in having a job but I still go to work
"
101861,"Be on the lookout for a armed psychic midget who just robbed a bank and got away....the police now have a SMALL MEDIUM at LARGE!! ba dum dum
"
58206,"Improvement One student to another: """"How are your English lessons coming along?"""" """"Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me.""""
"
165916,"My dog is an alcoholic... So he had to be put in the 20 step program.
"
206116,"The term 'Grammar Nazi' is outdated and offensive... ...we prefer to be called the Alt-Write
"
139656,"Walked into the gym and did 1 push up in front of everyone, then ripped off my shirt and walked out grunting 'You did it. You did it.'
"
124721,"Before you get into an argument with someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when the argument starts you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.
"
67583,"Maybe I'd bother with cologne if my natural scent didn't make even elderly women violently ovulate.
"
2573,"A baby of few hours old is third in line for the highest title in the UK.
"
4401,"What do you call a clever joke that doesn't make it to the front page? A clever joke, but nobody will have Reddit...
"
17327,"Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver.
"
199899,"Why did the banker dump his girlfriend? He lost interest.
"
172069,"I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week. It was OK. Nothing to write home about
"
55066,"What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck!
"
230252,"Wore an orange suit for the first time today... I stand by my convictions.
"
213184,"I saw a turtle during a thunderstorm You could say he was shellshocked
"
109289,"A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel between his legs The barkeep asks if he knows he has a wheel there.. He replies, """"Yarr, it be driving me nuts!""""
"
39911,"I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day. On the plus side I made a few bucks.
"
225487,"American Horror Story The Rise of Donald Trump.
"
81911,"Prostitution problems are had in Canada because... We use $1 and $2 coins. You can't throw those at strippers. Some of us ignore this problem and use Canadian Tire money.
"
197532,"""""My pleasure, doll"""" """"My pleasure doll"""" Commas can make a world of difference...
"
80970,"I almost hit a bunny but then i missed it by a hare.
"
4470,"What rock group has four men that don't sing? mount rushmore
"
42574,"An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
"
19396,"I was confronted by an angry man today. I told him I come in peace Apparently that's something you shouldn't say to Peace's boyfriend
"
46817,"Nice guys finish last. But thats because practice makes perfect.
"
32601,"How do choo choo train go down many mountain? It go """"TOOT"""" then thomas Tank gives tug
"
38779,"Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seat belts to encourage safer driving habits.
"
28382,"Sir? the table of hot ladies over there wanted to know what song you were drumming on the bar. they said it seemed very fast and impressive.
"
14610,"Why did the Chicken Cross The Road?
"
128672,"Thought my Siamese twin was giving me the cold shoulder. Turns out he was dead.
"
51217,"Why was the airport depressed? It had a terminal illness.
"
100133,"""""Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?"""" *throws pineapple against grocery store wall* """"Ah nuts that was a good one.""""
"
219675,"How is a rabbit like a plum? They're both purple except for the rabbit.
"
230372,"Why was 10 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
"
173219,"What is Mario's favorite material? Denim Denim Denim
"
187302,"Finish this sentence: I like my coffee like I like my _____. I like my coffee like I like my coffee: recursive.
"
205866,"A bird in the hand is never as fun as a hand in the bush.
"
122274,"Knock Knock. [My C#@&amp;] Who's there? Mike. Mike Who?! Mike Och
"
205213,"What was Hiroshima's code name in World War 2? Target Practice.
"
22691,"A man walks into a psychiatrist's office... completely naked, but wrapped in plastic wrap. The psychiatrist looks him and down and says...I can clearly see your nuts.
"
179185,"The Most Disgusting Joke You'll Ever Hear A young boy was licking out an old lady when all of a sudden he tasted horse cum. He sat up and said """"oh...grandma, so that's how you died""""
"
120884,"What is a vampires favorite drink? .
"
23279,"What do you call the history of a car? An autobiography.
"
111072,"So I've been tossing up between becoming a meteorologist or a scout master. But I don't know weather or knot..
"
110248,"Why don't you buy sunscreen from Steve Irwin? Because it doesn't protect you from harmful rays
"
206123,"What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaay!
"
213157,"I will make a book called Math for dummies and I'll sell 1 for 10 dollars or 2 for 30.
"
157068,"What kind of punch hurts children the most? A sandy hook.
"
112196,"How do you know if there is an elephant in bed with you? He has a big E on his pajamas.
"
76377,"What do an elephant and an apricot have in common? They're both grey.....................................well except for the apricot.
"
13870,"Experimental Music sounds like a cool idea until you realize that the experiment is how bad something can be, and still be called music.
"
133849,"My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can't get laid.
"
22279,"The best joke of all time. Women's rights.
"
27858,"I like to cook my meat like I like my women Low and slow.
"
67915,"I don't think Major Tom was much of an astronaut - Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That's pretty basic stuff.
"
50651,"What do you call it when you give a downy kid weed? Baked potato.
"
89876,"I knew this guy who would ask men at church, """"is your tie made out of bird cloth?"""" &lt;blank stare&gt; """"It's cheep, cheep, cheep.""""
"
198280,"What do you call an Italian whore? A pastatute. I'll see myself out.
"
116706,"My friend David lost his ID yesterday... We just call him Dav now
"
53439,"Why are women so afraid of looking stupid? Because they don't want the world to know!
"
50013,"My friends and i wanted to dressup as the Pokemon Trio today to play Pokemon Go... Unfortunately our friend Brock was too busy chasing tail, so it got cancelled.
"
110198,"What do you call a rabbit in a beanie and listening to vinyl? A Hopster.
"
70263,"What do you do to a dog that doesn't obey your commands? You kill it.
"
141614,"Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
"
172243,"""""My desires are... unconventional."""" """"Show me."""" *opens door to a room full of memes*
"
170339,"My girlfriend says she needs time and distance Is she calculating velocity?
"
112858,"Don't you just hate clickbait titles? Gotcha!
"
96446,"What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt can finish a race.
"
148326,"Some are mad Trump won. Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad. I'm mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it's only 1/3 full.
"
171474,"My life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
"
13442,"Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology... She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
"
11544,"Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us! Me: Why? Who's celebrating their 12th birthday?
"
64231,"Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
"
132563,"You still use Internet Explorer? You must like it nice and slow.
"
72603,"Bob: Did you hear about the camper who was killed by a garter snake? Betty: That's impossible. A garter snake is not poisonous. Bob: It doesn't have to be if it can make you jump off a cliff!
"
17412,"I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don't have any laser hair.
"
181324,"Why did the superhero flush the toilet? It was his duty!!!! told to me by my 7yo son
"
21134,"M R ducks. M R not ducks. O S A R, C D E D B D wings? L I B, M R ducks.
"
73296,"..so in a technical sense, they're only relatively bad. My jokes are so bad, they sometimes appear to violate causality..
"
132593,"I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
"
66809,"[Dirty] You know what they say about farm girls and horses... They both fell in mud.
"
192902,"Have you heard about the new Emo pizza? It cuts itself!
"
65433,"Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, """"feminine scent"""" and """"feminine odor"""" are perceived differently. You're welcome.
"
187034,"Have you heard my unemployment joke? Yeah, it needs a little work.
"
22914,"How does Jesus pull mad bitches? Because he's hung like this! ( extends both arms horizontally)
"
229515,"I watched a bunch of people build a ship... It was riveting.
"
154685,"Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet ? He wrecked three cars a bus and two fire engines !
"
224221,"Mechanic: what seems to be the problem? Me: nice try buddy, that's what I'm paying you for
"
70437,"What's big and green and sits in the corner? The Incredible Sulk!
"
91476,"People told me girls wait their whole lives to hear a man say """"I do"""" Apparently not if the question was """"Do you think I put on weight?""""
"
16084,"Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
"
44722,"Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out. Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
"
167490,"Customer: There's something wrong with my hot  dogs. Waiter: Sorry I'm a waiter not a veterinarian.
"
12897,"Does anyone want a vacuum cleaner? Mine's just gathering dust.
"
230041,"How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her
"
126246,"If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
"
105058,"A recent study shows that Twitter users don't give a fuck in excess of 30 times a day.
"
194858,"""""What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris?"""" """"He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise.""""
"
213561,"To Doo List: 1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
"
100805,"I'm getting a vanity plate that reads """"B Pitt"""" because I like people to be disappointed when they look at me.
"
62394,"the chipotle guy who never charges me extra for guacamole even though there's a big G on the foil. what are we?
"
109762,"How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb One hooker at a minimum. However the light bulb must be big enough for two people to fit inside
"
3946,"I never understood why vets... aren't called dogtors.
"
124370,"How many cops does it take to push a pedophile down the stairs? None, he tripped. ;)
"
32640,"What's the difference between a pot head and a person who physically abuses children? One is good at rolling blunts, the other is good at bowling runts.
"
219754,"Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
"
117926,"WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me ME: she's a liar WIFE: are you saying her dog didn't die? ME: [wiping sweat] I love you
"
75292,"I went to the zoo today and all they had was a dog... It was a Shih Tzu.
"
5601,"When you're alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what's up.
"
86913,"Other jokes like, """"If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?"""" Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.
"
154653,"[i read a pun] me: ugh, no [i make a pun] me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
"
101888,"Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.
"
23112,"I respect you, liquor store shopping cart user.
"
219025,"Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend? A: Without him the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.
"
191710,"What cologne do engineers wear? Elon's musk
"
196022,"How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.
"
46867,"Why are quantum physicists bad lovers? When they find the position, they can't find the momentum. When they find the momentum, they can't find the position.
"
137541,"What does a Buddhist order from a hotdogs vendor? One with everything
"
91090,"What is brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
"
73888,"That awkward movement when you... read movement as moment.
"
159725,"What did one orphan say to the other? """"Robin, get in the batmobile.""""
"
204989,"What is simultaneously the best and worst thing one can hear at the dentist? These are the best looking teeth I've ever come across
"
199674,"I like my coffee how I like my slaves. Whipped
"
230806,"""""I haven't read an update about Karen's Farmville crops in a few days. I hope everything is OK."""" - no one, ever
"
143824,"If laughter is the best medicine, then most facebook status updates are Herpes, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis and Syphilis all rolled into one.
"
91555,"What's the difference between the strippers and the circus? The circus has a cunning array of stunts.
"
204750,"Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list. Love, -Tim
"
91302,"What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it
"
45858,"I was sitting in a bar... When a guy yells out, """"Linda why didn't you give your mom any grandkids?"""" She yelled back, """"Because I swallowed them all!""""
"
212495,"Did you hear about the guy from Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which part of the olive to throw away?
"
40021,"What does a crow with a cold sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph, caw-ph.
"
133784,"Q: What did the tree say to the mountain? A: Stop peaking at me.
"
40800,"When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.
"
108307,"I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it's just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.
"
60597,"Why didn't the bike go to the car show? Because he was two tired.
"
37000,"More like """"science UN-fair"""" *I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava* *I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
"
20810,"When a girl says, """"I think we should talk,"""" it's never about the Bat Mobile.
"
116786,"Hitting on women is like doing Parkour.. I can't do Parkour.
"
141336,"What is the origin of the word """"Boob""""? The """"B"""" is the aerial view, the """"oo"""" is the front view, the """"b"""" is the side view.
"
14537,"A giraffe walks into a bar... and says highballs are on me.
"
146062,"Why shouldn't you play cards in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!
"
228061,"What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? can't jam peanut butter in your ass
"
222305,"I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
"
94339,"If I were a dinosaur, I'd be a swagasaurus.
"
127721,"My downstairs neighbor was yelling and banging on the ceiling until 3 AM Did that bother you? Not much. I was up til about the same time practicing my trumpet.
"
47519,"What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? Irrelevant!
"
73915,"[blank], teaching english better than english teachers since it's release. Video games.
"
45180,"How many potatos does it take to kill an Irishman? None.....
"
172155,"What did the princess say when she got to the ball? garglgarglgarglgarglgargl
"
213011,"What do you use to compare and contrast nordic cultures? A Sven diagram!
"
205907,"NSFW Why is driving in the snow a lot like eating pussy? Because if you're not careful you might slide into the asshole in front of you
"
16358,"Why did the Orange stop rolling? It ran out of juice!!!
"
66661,"[shootout] Cop: I said fire a warning shot Me: I already did. Cop: you shot him in the face Me: warning the others that I'm a very good shot
"
60946,"I can't believe this paper went to college, let alone thought it ruled
"
36236,"Movie critics have said some negative things about the new movie Jobs... I guess Ashton Kutcher didn't do a good Jobs.
"
46616,"Why are Pentacostals so good at kissing? They have the gift of tongues...
"
93727,"Knock Knock! Who's there... No one because you have no friends.
"
153819,"Dear Santa , before I try to explain, just how much do you already know?
"
103481,"Hey should we dry out these grapes? I don't see a raisin why not.
"
226168,"Do you have cotton balls? """"Yes"""" """"Do they tickle when you walk?""""
"
174211,"fire works? buddy all fire works haha just some topical humor here on Twitter Online, where anything can happen
"
62289,"What does Donald Trump call his penis? Little Marco
"
65856,"I stole a Tom Cruise movie from the store the other day... It was Risky Business.
"
176723,"Admit it.... Sometimes you just wish you could read your crushes mind to find out how they feel about you?
"
213817,"My keyboard squeaks and so does my mouse.
"
62849,"mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!? [flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift's """"Love Story"""" in the car on the way over] me: Yes
"
76835,"What do FBI agents grill for the 4th of July? Hillary.
"
113657,"What is that thing called when your crush likes you back? Imagination.
"
199033,"Why did the child have two black eyes? Because telling them once wasn't enough.
"
128327,"Four Worst Feelings Ever: 4. Losing your job 3. Romantic break up 2. Death of a loved one 1. Needing to pee when you're stuck in traffic
"
102403,"What do you call the people who make sandwiches at Subway? Sub humans.
"
120539,"*phone rings* """"Yeh hi who's this? Sure he's here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u."""" """"Who is it?"""" """"Drastic Times"""" *crowd goes wild*
"
77246,"I find it disappointing that the word """"stealth"""" doesn't have a silent letter in it.
"
126404,"if theres liquid water on mars i dont care about it. im not going to drink it
"
178556,"The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is so weird. It's like, """"We know you read us for sports but how about this week you just beat off?""""
"
22724,"""""Doc, my boyfriend & I don't wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn't working."""" """"What kind are you using?"""" """"Grape""""
"
12772,"Superman is using his supervision... And sees Wonder Woman lying naked in her bed! He breaks through her window and picks her up. """"Surprised?"""" He asks. """"Not as surprised as invisible man!""""
"
197176,"How do tiny Mexicans cut their pizza? Little Ceasars
"
19631,"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
"
210346,"Why is Bud light kinda like making love on a canoe? Because it's like fucking close to water.
"
68457,"What if Voldemort's last horcrux was his virginity? Then Harry Potter would have to destroy it ofcourse.
"
136859,"What do you call an election in Syria? A civil war
"
49434,"How can you tell if your wife is dead? [NSFW] The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Didn't make this up, credit goes to the morning show I was listening to this morning.
"
24362,"ME: someone stole my credit card number BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand? ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn't them
"
115265,"Why is the men's room always located to the left? Because women are always right.
"
10504,"Rudolph's red nose is actually the result of a parasitic infection in his respiratory system. Stay woke.
"
186926,"A feminist, a vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. What happens next? His head explodes, because he can't decide which one to tell you about first.
"
103866,"how many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None
"
101523,"[dad accidentally steps on the dog] I'm sorry girl, I didn't see you. Are you ok? [dad accidentally steps on me] Why are you on the floor?!
"
138658,"Did you see the score to the Ethiopia vs Egypt soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't
"
15207,"""""I thought I'd thaw a pussy cat."""" -- dogs deciding what to take out of the freezer for dinner
"
224383,"Why are TVs attracted to people? Because people turn them on
"
38451,"Procrastination is like masturbation: it is fun and feels good but in the end you've only fucked yourself.
"
65958,"Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn't THIS job.
"
26841,"what do you call an italian whore? a pastatute lol
"
205990,"How many square feet of pizza can you eat? Trick question. Pizzas are round.
"
45190,"Why did Jesus run off the airplane? He didn't like the Pilate
"
214080,"Where does a fish keep it's money? The river bank.
"
3030,"What happens when you call a Trump supporter xenophobic? They do a quick google search and then agree with you.
"
61500,"What are the advanteges of a long distance relationship? All four people are happy.
"
226663,"Sometimes I wonder if my wife ever heard me call her a dumb bitch. I think about it every day since she died from cancer. I never got to say it to her face.
"
8541,"The rest of the world should fear our military. We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
"
50172,"What is the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger
"
178727,"How does a football player make phone calls?  On a touch-down phone.
"
71536,"Lost My Job I've been sacked from my job as a roller coaster ride operator. I'm suing them for funfair dismissal.
"
105288,"Have you heard of Helen Keller? it is okay my fellow redditor, neither has she!
"
218971,"After tonight's World Series game... It looks like the Indians are going to have a different type of trail of tears.
"
214556,"Do you know how many feminists it takes to change a light bulb? One, you asshole.
"
176147,"What do you get if you cross a zebra  with an ape man? Tarzan stripes forever.
"
38473,"My father always told me, he liked his women like he liked his sunglasses. Sitting on his face.
"
39507,"Who translated """"The Flat-Chested Woman"""" from the original Russian? Vasily Bithertitoff
"
663,"There are plenty of fish in the sea. Sometimes you just need a really big fishing rod.
"
85704,"What was Hitler's favourite colour? Braun.
"
150912,"I was once blind for a couple of years... It was a very dark time in my life.
"
113224,"I challenged a guy to a game of Pool. """"The winner gets to sleep with my girlfriend,"""" I declared. Boy, did he look smug when he won. Jokes on him though, I don't have a girlfriend.
"
187396,"Why is Oedipus against swearing? He kisses his mother with that mouth!
"
52416,"""""The Interview"""" Joke Kim Jong Un walks past a movie theater and sees a movie poster for """"The Interview."""" He says """"I wouldn't be caught dead in that.""""
"
49990,"What did the Pharaoh's wife nickname her husband after he farted during sex? Toot n' comin'
"
92914,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Buggy ! Buggy who ? Buggy Jean is not my lover !
"
128956,"A seven year old girl goes to subway and orders a footlong Jared delivers
"
149741,"Whom hath released the hounds? Whom? Whom? Whom? Whom?
"
34495,"My dick is like a chinese finger trap. The more you struggle, the harder it gets.
"
80069,"Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
"
19230,"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He ate his food before it was cool
"
137774,"What's the difference between a Russian bot and a sincere Trump supporter? One of them actually exists and the other *ees teepeecal Amyerikyan pyatriot*.
"
169622,"Virgins everywhere are fucking nowhere.
"
173890,"Chris Christies mom told him to run. She didn't mean for president though...
"
66164,"Tonight I'm going to party like it's 1999 Because back then the worst thing I had to worry about was just a computer glitch destroying civilization.
"
200748,"Q: Why don't elephants go skinny dipping? A: They can't get their trunks off.
"
207423,"In Tesla Motors you... Don't drive car, car drives you.
"
140088,"for those who received a book from me this Christmas. They're due back at the library tomorrow.
"
87043,"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the cutest of them all? the mirror laughed & made a grunt & said """"not you, you ugly  c*nt.
"
217455,"Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I've only done that with pizza
"
68934,"If I am ever in a coma on life support I want my family to unplug me... And then plug me back in. See if that works.
"
160122,"I asked my North Korean friend how it was there He said he couldn't complain
"
95774,"the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
"
5184,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Agnes ! Agnes who ? Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe !
"
155736,"What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales? One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.
"
145743,"What do you call Mexican food when it gets cold? A burrrrrrito.
"
8641,"I've wanted to post this forever. This.
"
7304,"What do you call someone who supports Hillary? Paid off.
"
179809,"What do you get when you play a country song backwards? Your house back, your truck back, your girl back, and your dog back.
"
223723,"*holds flashlight under chin Me: suddenly the mystery of... Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins *drops flashlight Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
"
219276,"I nearly puked on my girlfriend, but she moved out of the way just in time She ducked my sick
"
189138,"I got a new high score today. Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale!
"
66768,"What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.
"
66628,"A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.
"
84512,"Caller: Finally! I got through! I've been trying to call the zoo for hours! Zookeeper: Yes all our lions were busy!
"
73285,"I don't really care for the New England Patriots, but Lance Armstrong used a deflated ball for years and no one said anything.
"
175751,"Sorry I yelled, """"Sweep the leg!"""" when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend. But I stand by my advice.
"
124298,"Did you here about the guy who's whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
"
189335,"Geez, there's a lot of people on this Ashley Madison list... It's a pretty bad state of affairs
"
29195,"What do you call an explosion in a Frencg kitchen? Linoleum Blown-apart.
"
87695,"My family treats me like a god. They only talk to me when they want something.
"
155035,"My friend doesn't like how I tell fat people jokes. I'm still not sure how their weight has to do with their sense of humor.
"
9641,"""""Ohhh, that's what you meant by period sex"""" I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
"
144645,"My Optometrist told me in 8 years I'd have 2020 vision.
"
22197,"how to know if a thin girl is anorexic? she posts her nudes in bbw subreddits.
"
89842,"California is getting so much rain right now... ...that even Caitlyn Jenner is getting wet.
"
90943,"What kind of marijuana do cows smoke? moo-dicinal
"
144379,"I'm going to sell John Lennon memorabilia online. Imagine all the PayPal.
"
111144,"Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
"
142621,"""""I hate fake girls."""" *a nearby girl's coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*
"
40974,"Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on """"America's Most  Wanted.""""
"
41508,"What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
"
50744,"Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one more guys I promise.
"
75290,"Universities are like priests They will teach you a few things, and then take you into the back room to fuck you.
"
10178,"What's the best thing to come out of a penis? The wrinkles.
"
169064,"A spic and a nigger are falling from the top of the empire states building. Who hits the ground first? Who cares?
"
208101,"Three men walk into a bar, what's missing? The joke! Usually one would introduce this one with: """"I'm gonna tell you a joke"""" - but since we are in /r/jokes here, the setup should be ok.
"
58520,"Walks into a Bar A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender: """"Do you serve lawyers here?"""" """"Sure."""" """"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.""""
"
192299,"What will Melania Trump say to mexicans if her husband becomes president? Hello from the other side.
"
64853,"Did you hear about the spilt milk? It was an udder disaster....
"
64914,"I don't see the issue with microcephaly. Personally, I love a little head.
"
214862,"A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
"
230028,"So Dolly Parton bought the supermarket franchises Big Lots, Harris Teeters, and Piggly Wiggly... She's calling it Big Wiggly Teeters.
"
167560,"My girlfriend says I have a sharp tongue ... But I think she's just menstruating.
"
151469,"HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
"
174478,"Cop: You know why I pulled you over? M: Speeding? C: No! M: Not using my blinker? C: No! M: Because I'm drunk? Cop: Sir get off the mower!
"
129693,"How do lesbians celebrate special occasions? They eat out.
"
39651,"What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummy bear. I know it's bad, but everyone deserves a good arsenal of dad jokes.
"
207068,"Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful  time. Where am I?
"
81194,"For as long as that song was, you'd think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once...
"
117937,"I once had some food cooked for me by a prostitute... ...it was a nice ho-made meal.
"
98930,"Never sky dived before, but I just zoomed google maps way too fast. Pure adrenaline.
"
31072,"How do you describe a boring, Asian, black and white film? Anti-chromactic
"
60651,"""""bowl of chips"""" 9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.
"
20923,"While we are on the offensive jokes, here's mine:""""What's better than fucking a 13 year old boy against a barbwire fence?"""" """"Nothing""""
"
77328,"What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left the farm? Bison
"
215355,"What do you call a guitar that has completely changed parts? Trans-Fender.
"
62276,"What do you call a French guy wearing sandals? Felipe Flop!
"
89647,"What do you call 4 Mexicans in quick sand? Cuatro cinco
"
42065,"I hope Elon Musk never gets in a scandal Because Elongate would be really drawn out.
"
13295,"Someone gave me a star as a gift. I'm planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
"
221577,"I've just opened a casino for dogs where they can play roulette, poker blackjack etc... They'll have to go outside for craps though.
"
53371,"Knock Knock Who's there? Oink. Oink Who? Make Up Your Mind...Are You A Pig or an Owl
"
91517,"What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? El-if-ino
"
192805,"My stages of drunk: 1. You're UGLY 2. You're HOT 3. You're BEAUTIFUL 4. Your HONOR in my defense......
"
223597,"[slips the bus driver 20] """"Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?""""
"
106468,"Mohammed Mo Problems
"
32391,"It's too bad your funny status was ruined by your inability to spell.
"
181011,"Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing """"Fortunate Son"""" on my boombox while watching a man die.
"
135598,"Jesus saves... ...everyone else takes full damage.
"
107223,"We gave The Gap shit for the new logo. Then we gave The Gap shit for pulling it. Congratulations. We are a collective psychotic girlfriend.
"
108094,"I live on the edge Her: cool It's scary Her: So sexy I almost fell once Her: Oh! You actually live.. My home insurance is so expensive
"
51960,"Why did Hitler make such a bad weatherman? Even when it was rain, he kept yelling """"heil!""""
"
159803,"God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
"
35813,"My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, """"What would the world be like without theater?"""" One of her students replied, """"Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer.""""
"
195125,"I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy. Edit: For those worried about the kid, it's ok. He was an adopted ginger, so no big deal.
"
212049,"What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
"
16949,"How do you keep your hair from blowing everywhere when you drive in a convertible? Cross your legs
"
147831,"What do you call a james bond film about a calculator? Casio royale
"
130777,"A little jewish girl was playing with an ashtray... Hitler comes in and says: """"Are you looking for someone?""""
"
124052,"I think the face you make pre-sneeze is the same as when you orgasm.
"
230365,"How many Jihadists does it take to change a light bulb? Allah them. (I googled several varations and thus far I believe I am the originator)
"
78602,"When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
"
143318,"Leonardo: Let's go rescue April!! Donatello: Let's do it! Raphael: Bodacious!! Michelangelo: Totally!! Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
"
138678,"A priest asks a rabbi, """"when are you going to finally try pork?"""" The rabbi replies, """"At your wedding friend,""""
"
176916,"Why do pigs run from medicine? They hate getting cured.
"
149045,"""""I'll sleep when I'm Ned!"""" -Exhausted pre-op who plans to go by Ned after the surgery
"
57493,"I met a girl called simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
"
161284,"A calculus lecture at a college Only four students are present. Suddenly six students get up and leave the auditorium. The professor thinks: """"If two more come in, there will be no one left!""""
"
196994,"Did you hear about the dyslexic marathoner who would only eat shellfish the night before races? He was crabo-loading.
"
21511,"Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.
"
136956,"News: Ireland has now legalized ecstasy, meth, and mushrooms due to an unexpected legal loophole. In other news: I have a plane to catch.
"
48744,"The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
"
63157,"What is the easiest way to weigh your head? Ask assistance from ISIS.
"
157682,"What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
"
142239,"The introduction of Yoga Pants have been found to be the cause of a 0.65 drop in the GPA of Males. I dont have significant data to back this up, But i have some notes from college that show causation.
"
73462,"I know Mexican judo Judo know if I have a knife. Judo know if I have a gun.
"
192205,"[Amazing Comeback] So I was reading comments on a LGBT friendly add(Android's #AndProud) &gt; I hate fucking gays &gt;&gt; Stop having sex with gays then.
"
6032,"A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn't need any assistance. The tailor says... ... """"Fine. Suit yourself.""""
"
223204,"If your jokes are corny I'm all ears.
"
213054,"Hey dad, how does it feel to have such a handsome son? I don't know son, ask your grandfather.
"
154747,"Women are always complaining that I make too many 'dick' jokes but I don't understand why. I mean, that's the only part of me guaranteed to make them laugh.
"
83366,"What's blue and look like pink fluff? Pink Fluff holdings its breath. What's Red and looks like Blue Fluff? Red Fluff.
"
25559,"A friend confided in me about a peculiar birthmark on his butt. I told his secret to my friends for a laugh. I am Julian AssStrange.
"
18017,"How do you subdue a large snake? You use a boa restrictor
"
43920,"Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent's glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
"
112249,"Women would be better serial killers if they didn't smile when people mention someone's been missing
"
27812,"2 Mexicans escape from prison. """"Jesus, take the wheel!""""
"
88818,"Asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight. The pointer keeps gliding back and forth between the H and the A. It's been over an hour.
"
15436,"What do you call a girl who's sitting in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
"
66298,"What did Sonic the Hedgehog say during Ramadan? """"Gotta go fast!"""" ^I'll^see^myself^out...
"
45030,"How does an ethiopian open a beer? With his ribs
"
129103,"Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we're camping. With an angry bear close by.
"
167417,"Knock Knock: Nutella Knock Knock Who's there? Nutella Nutella who? I'm Nutella-ing you.
"
57801,"I went to the doctor and he said """"don't eat anything fatty."""" I asked """" no bacon? No burgers?!"""" To which he replied """"No fatty, just don't eat anything! """"
"
212966,"What do you call a boy with no arms and an eye patch? Names! -Bo Burnham
"
96134,"KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret MARILYN MONROE: ok i'll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday K: pls dont MM: *winking* ok
"
46874,"Why did the left alt key and the right alt key break up? They needed some space.
"
216073,"Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.
"
150387,"A bunch of bats are hanging on a tree branch... BAT A: Hey look at Harry he's hanging the other way up!! (like a bird) BAT B: He's been having these fainting spells all week.
"
98199,"What do computers eat for snacks? Micro-chips.
"
73236,"Big shoutout to my great grandmother She can't hear me otherwise
"
196667,"How do sharks like their steak? Whale-done :)
"
177389,"Kids these days don't give a fuck about acid They're all about that base. Credit to /u/Assorted_Jellymemes
"
1460,"So I called my friend turkey and I said to him """"Turkey, la gente esta muy loca. What the cluck?""""
"
118879,"Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
"
156993,"What did the fisherman say to the street magician? Pick a cod, any cod!
"
99300,"A guy with a rock on his head hit someone and was charged with basalt and hattery.
"
139840,"What did the Joker say to the dwarf planet? Why so Ceres?
"
190167,"[NSFW] Why is it so hard for a prostitute to pee in the morning? You ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
"
213227,"What is the difference between a diameter and a radius? A radius
"
180992,"What's the difference between a Pilot and a jet engine? A jet engine stops whining after it lands
"
154743,"""""Why do you always exchange your Canadian dollars to USD? It makes no sense!"""" """"Well neither does the Canadian Mint!""""
"
119526,"What do you get when you cross an Indian smoothie with a rescue dog? Mango Lassie
"
167748,"Melania Trump says her husband is """"not Hitler."""" That's true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
"
104432,"Instead of taking The """"N"""" word out of Huckleberry Finn, take it out of the brains of millions of bigots.
"
206197,"How do you know accountants have no imagination? They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
"
18027,"What do you call a sad gay Brit? Aaa bloody bummer
"
210335,"Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone. When did you get electricity in your cave?
"
120556,"The secrets of the baking industry are given out only on a knead to dough basis.
"
199911,"Female sprinters are so hot. I've been trying to bang one for years. But they always outrun me.
"
105533,"When is a door not a door? When its ajar.
"
81975,"What did the pickle say to the cucumber? Come on in the water's brine!
"
6665,"How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already screwed in! heh. *chirp* *chirp*
"
100679,"Why should you never run in front of a bus? You will get tired.
"
158721,"Mermaids: Can't live with them, can't beat them in a potato sack race.
"
65965,"What's the difference between Broccoli and boogers? Kids don't eat broccoli.
"
125817,"It's decided. If I have 3 kids they're getting named """"Bed"""" """"Bath"""" and """"Beyonce.""""
"
170131,"What do you get when you cross a gay man and a Jew? A hit Broadway show. (heard Drew Carey make this joke in a Whose Line blooper reel)
"
173384,"Facebook needs a """"who cares?"""" button.
"
42348,"Mary had a little lamb...... Best lamb chops I ever ate. SUCK IT VEGANS!
"
161596,"What's brown and ryhmes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
"
132804,"Today I told my boyfriend he can have as much anal sex as he wants... After all it's his butt.
"
152356,"A rapist, a priest, and a pedophile walk into a bar. They say """"ow""""
"
59404,"What do a dildo and tofu have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
"
157725,"My friend said that onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I killed his mom with a coconut.
"
71823,"One of my great-grandparents believed in God, but the other seven didn't Which makes me an eighth theist
"
104025,"What is Chris Brown's favorite cooking appliance? A Black and Decker
"
128238,"An Asian woman brings her large Irish boyfriend to meet her traditional parents Her mother says: """"You bring great Shamus to this family.""""
"
181943,"A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
"
100066,"Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife's trying to murder you Me: How'd you know? P: *sees knife in my back* I'm good
"
175428,"There are only 10 types of persons in the world Those who don't know binary, those who know and those who did not know that this joke is base 3.
"
24709,"What do we want? HEARING AIDS! When do we want them? WHAT?!
"
99064,"Are there any one word jokes ?
"
53176,"What do you call three rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.
"
210793,"My penis is referred to by the female market as... The sperm whale
"
224378,"What is literally the most important fact you'll ever learn, that will totally blow your mind? That people exaggerate.
"
49553,"Getting hit by a sound wave a couple of times won't affect you. Increase the frequency however... And it hertz
"
187714,"What did the left ass cheek say to the right ass cheek? Whose the asshole in the middle.
"
25799,"This hating of people that breastfeed in public should really stop... I can raise my cat any way I want to.
"
8574,"911 What's your emergency Me: I'm calling to complain about the quality of this cocaine 911: The police are on their way Me: Thanks
"
207913,"Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
"
153877,"Did you see the porn circus? It was fucking intense.
"
4369,"I ran 3 miles this morning, so if I did my math correctly, I can eat 3 pounds of cake today.
"
114747,"You can tell I'm having a tough time writing this teleplay by all the crumpled up laptops overflowing my trash can.
"
64397,"What did the photographer say when he retired? """"I can't take it anymore!""""
"
1290,"Start with the answer. What's an easy way to ruin a good joke?
"
28950,"How come sheeps don't fly........... Because they are scared of the Airwolf.
"
89958,"What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? The codpiece he made out of his girlfriend's face.
"
181855,"What is Siri really good at? Playing pocket pool.
"
105538,"DOCTOR: Here's some medicine, for your well-being. GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being
"
192934,"So a priest and a kid walk into the forest The kid says to the priest, """"wow, im pretty scared."""" the priest says, """"your scared? I have to walk out of here alone.""""
"
206760,"Once, just once in my life, I'd love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper I'm hunting wabbits.
"
149003,"Why did the thief killed himself after getting caught stealing instruments from an orchestra? He didn't have a safe Hayden place, and couldn't Handel the thought of being sent Bach to prison.
"
159558,"Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?! Cop: Settle down sir Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions] Cop: ...
"
55325,"*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
"
187158,"Darth Vader once baked some cookies... But it was a little on the dark side.
"
3198,"Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
"
209705,"I like first aid classes its the only time I get to be touched by a caring human.
"
118052,"How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one.
"
187081,"What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisey noise annoys an oyster!
"
222755,"Why cant obama ever be on a dollar bill? they would have to use to much ink.
"
204511,"What's the difference between American and European kids? European kids actually come home from school.
"
77663,"To follow up on the Java/C# joke... Q: Why did the Java Developer quit his job? A: Because he didn't get arrays.
"
202689,"How to catch a polar bear: Step 1: cut a hole in the ice. Step 2: set a can of peas opened and in front of it. Step 3: When the bear comes to take a pea kick it in the ice hole.
"
201546,"I lift the toilet seat to take a piss and my girlfriend forgot to flush and the water is red. My first thought.... ...do we have any juice boxes in the fridge?
"
228425,"What's the difference between America and a tub of yogurt? After 200 years the yogurt would have developed some kind of culture.
"
222662,"A photon arrives at the airport As he checks in, security asks him: """"Do you not have any luggage?"""" The photon replies, """"No, I'm travelling light"""".
"
163361,"It's like my father always used to say, """"[years of silent disappointment]""""
"
38958,"Whats the difference between Jelly and Jam? I cant jelly my dick in your mouth
"
11335,"I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
"
185784,"If you're a pregnant teenage white girl and you don't name your child Pumpkin Spice Latte you are wasting everyone's time.
"
191599,"If you're not part of the solution, you're either a solid or a gas.
"
225672,"Whats the difference between a joke and three dicks? Your mom cant take a joke.
"
80558,"[Pickup Line] Do you hold up the KDE desktop environment? Because you're a QT!
"
176949,"What do you call a Russian sex offender who is trying to quit smoking? A vape-ist
"
177525,"Duct tape is like the Force... ...there's a light side and a dark side, and it keeps the Universe together.
"
6508,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Dont be silly, feminists cant change anything.
"
174954,"They say that 1 out of a group of 5 guys is gay.... I'm really hoping it's Jake, because he's *super cute*.
"
126882,"If I buy a cardigan, and then I buy another cardigan Am I buying a cardiganagain?
"
146225,"I don't need WebMD to tell me what's wrong with me, I have my mother.
"
39745,"What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Poop
"
22505,"My extra sensitive toothpaste cries when I don't brush my teeth
"
76884,"What is green and smells like pork? Kermits finger...
"
114240,"Every day I spend a few hours on a running track. Next week I might even turn it on.
"
19883,"Scary Story Told In Only Five Words Your browser history is public!
"
125864,"Noah... The original Pokemon Master.
"
157032,"Hard to believe it's 2017 I'm still writing """"this is a nightmare fuck everything omg"""" on my checks.
"
217682,"Hey, you have something on your chin... no, the 3rd one down.
"
170406,"The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
"
164039,"Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you're not being arrested?
"
50385,"People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.
"
29440,"If Michael Moore was a conservative... ...he'd be Donald Trump.
"
48765,"This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p
"
106016,"I contacted and arranged for a meet with an undercover FBI agent to show my skills in deduction and reasoning.. Unfortunately,a 14 yr old girl showed up at the coffee shop
"
202018,"How do you know if the wool in your socks came from New Zealand? They've already got cum stains before you open the package.
"
99719,"Cut to Obama and Biden silently eating schwarma.
"
209104,"Taken 9 (2021): She got married she's with her husband relax man
"
54502,"It's gonna be ok.
"
169292,"It's hard to be Japanese. You know why? It's because I'm Chinese.
"
102884,"i know why the new windows is windows 10 instead of 9.. its because seven eight nine. im so proud of myself
"
182518,"How is 2+2=5 like your left foot? It's not right.
"
7502,"The man who invented distorted mirrors has died. His funeral will be held in asymmetry.
"
67369,"Oh please! Merkel: """"Alexis, I don't think you Greeks understand the seriousness of your debt situation..."""" Tsipras: """"Oh please....you really should give us a bit more credit.""""
"
121595,"What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter? A cock that sticks to roof of your mouth...
"
165227,"What do you call an Englishmam in the Euro championship final A referee
"
197914,"So this girl asked me what I look for in women I told her, """"3 holes and a heart beat""""
"
80514,"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
"
180561,"Speed was unrealistic because nobody riding a bus wants to live
"
53406,"What's the opposite of assault? a pepper.
"
20999,"what do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off
"
164924,"I finally found a girl who is like my mother in every way! I brought her home and wouldn't you know it... my dad doesn't like her
"
225661,"I was born to be wild, but only until around 9:30
"
94561,"What type of brain does a plant have? A membrane
"
155324,"What do you call a Pokemon with a tiny head? Zikachu
"
185187,"I like my women like I like my X-Wing pilots... """"Almost there.""""
"
49328,"Act now to enjoy a false sense of urgency!
"
165112,"What did the Canadian say when asked what he thought about stereotypes? Eh.
"
70320,"How many police chefs does it take to beat an egg None, the little brown bastard accidentally fell down the stairs.
"
39112,"How many 3rd wave feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Whats the point? 3rd wave feminists can't take a joke anyway.
"
14718,"Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring? Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone. Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
"
138614,"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.L Then it dawned on me.
"
47245,"What does an Indian boy say to his mum when he goes out? Mumbai
"
95692,"Password reminder: The hero in second grade who farted instead of saying 'here' during attendance.
"
164740,"Handed in an assignment late today, looks like my teacher is giving black Friday deals too. 50% off
"
57126,"What's the name of the yoga pose where you're hunched over your kitchen sink shoving handfuls of cereal into your mouth?
"
154425,"You don't make any sense. I would know because I'm unemployed.
"
8436,"The problem with dieting is food.
"
220676,"Feminists are like prime numbers The only thing that goes into them is themselves.
"
176223,"Whats The Diffrence Between A Fridge And A Child The fridge Doesnt Care If You Stick You're Meat In It
"
29676,"If you ever feel like you are worthless, just remember... You were once the fastest sperm.
"
139458,"I guess you could say the situation in Gaza... Israeli bad. YEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! i'll show myself out.
"
62715,"Why do sharks circle their prey? """"dad, why do the sharks swim in circles like that before they eat someone?"""" """"it makes them taste better, son."""" """"taste better? How? """" """"it scares the shit out of them.""""
"
81395,"What is worse than ants in your pants? ......... Uncles.
"
34298,"I was driving down a street with a magician He turned into a driveway
"
20513,"Why didn't the Mexican take Xanax? He was barred.
"
18840,"When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I'm totally nailing his mom.
"
4130,"I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
"
136863,"Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like? Have kids.
"
227848,"Forget everything you learned in College.... """"Forget everything you learned in College, you won't need it working here."""" """"But I never went to college."""" """"I'm sorry your not qualified to work here.""""
"
99079,"they'll never listen to us Wife: I lost my keys again Me: Its in your jeans Wife: Don't drag my family into this
"
54059,"How many Police Officers does it take to change a light bulb? Thirteen. One to change the light bulb, and twelve to beat the room for being black.
"
2736,"Why do the bees have honey? Because they have a queen. If they had a parliament, they would have had nothing.
"
206818,"Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't fuckin know, maybe if you didn't run him over we could ask him.
"
111686,"A man goes into a library and asks for a book on chlamydia. The librarian says, """"You're girlfriend already has it, she said that she gave it to you.""""
"
148796,"What do you call it when a frog jumps off a bridge? Kermitting suicide.
"
221275,"Why did hipster burn himself? He drank the Coffee before it was cool
"
85488,"What made Bruce decide against Jacqueline for his new name? He was afraid his nickname would be Jockie.
"
162364,"I was addicted to the hokey pokey but then I turned myself around.
"
86364,"A rabbit's favourite Christmas song? 'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'
"
103059,"What's the famous Confederacy battle cry? We Surrender!
"
87828,"What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? A Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
"
142178,"What did the right butt cheek say to the left butt cheek? *""""Let's get together and stop this crap!""""*
"
168362,"FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
"
14872,"How much does a Polar Bear weigh? Enough to lower your standards, I'm moonsout_goonsout
"
63591,"My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.
"
139218,"How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass? Attractive
"
166242,"LIFE HACK: when at a restaurant with a long wait, resort to cannibalism
"
48747,"what kind of file makes a 1 inch hole into a 3 inch hole? a pedophile
"
123067,"I want an iPhone with BBM and a Nokia battery.
"
75336,"The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
"
55348,"Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much...
"
135548,"Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do? Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
"
50594,"What happens when you throw a green stone into the Red Sea? It gets wet.
"
90671,"One time I got drunk and took the bus... Now that may not sound impressive to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
"
84046,"what did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Damn
"
56708,"Why are some chillies nosy? They're jalapeno business
"
85415,"I was speaking to a black man the other day, when I said I suffered from Deuteranopia he asked 'Are you being racist?' I said 'no, I don't see colour'
"
186914,"If you work for Samsung.. does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
"
167277,"What does 80 year-old pussy taste like? Depends...
"
72086,"I got a nice Rolex from the lesbian couple next door after they asked me what I wanted for my birthday. It's a cool gift and all, but I think they misunderstood me when I told them I wanna watch.
"
64980,"Polio walks into a bar and no one walks out.
"
188505,"What do wooden whales eat? A plankton.
"
25008,"What has 4 legs in the morning, two at lunch, and three in the evening? A cannibal
"
193690,"THIS JUST IN: Foreign suppliers of shredded cheese on strike. Eyewitnesses report protesting workers holding signs that read: """"MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN""""
"
20371,"Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she's in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.
"
44191,"I see, it's all coming back to me now... Said the blind man as he pissed into the wind.
"
171173,"My dog's got no """"O""""s. - How does it spell? - """"dg"""".
"
72822,"Caught in the act My wife walked in on me masturbating to a picture of an optical illusion I said """"Darling.. it's not what it looks like""""
"
4865,"Charlie Sheen Says He Has HIV... Finally a positive in his life.
"
112574,"Two parrots were sitting on a perch... One turns to the other and says, """"Can you smell fish?""""
"
155127,"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor ? Wheres my tractor!
"
196203,"Worst 15 minutes of my life I quit Reddit it was the worst 15 minutes of my life!!!
"
23483,"I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.
"
17951,"Today, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships... Apparently """"in HD"""" was not the right answer.
"
121484,"What is a firewalker's favorite snack? Tostitos.
"
143497,"Of course you can trust me with your secret. *Calls local news team
"
168753,"What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vaccuum? The position of the dirt bag.
"
90742,"Where is everybody? Everybody? I don't know. All over the planet I guess.
"
46385,"What did the earthquake say to the tornado? It's not my fault.
"
226794,"my marrige is just like my time in prison nothing but fucking and fighting, Im just kidding I never fought in prison.
"
98856,"Are you a belieber or a directioner ? I'm A I-Dont't-give-a-fuck-er.
"
10447,"My friends think my cat is loyal and selective with his affection, but the truth is that I don't have any friends.
"
115188,"What would you call the Flintstones if they were black? Niggers.
"
226109,"I warn you not to mess with me! I know Karate, Judo, Aikido, Jiujitsu and 22 other japanese words.
"
45572,"Why did 6 and 8 dislike 7? They thought 7 was pretty odd.
"
48679,"Why was Santa upset when he got a sweater for Christmas? Because he was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
"
114814,"What's an arborists favorite side dish? Can o' peas.
"
111979,"I like my women like I like my bikes. Chained up and locked down in my garage.
"
198566,"I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale I'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes
"
158230,"APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that- {trapdoor} NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it's perfect.
"
159743,"I could tell a joke... but I'm not funny. Sorry. Please don't kill me.
"
24304,"For every player who credits God for the win, a player from the opposing team can logically blame God for the loss.
"
123340,"Him: I think I'm getting sick. Me: Do you want some euthanasia? Him: I'm pretty sure it's called echinacea. Me: Tomato, tomahto.
"
68166,"Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
"
175303,"Why is my father so abusive? Beats me
"
76712,"My friend is majoring in Gender Studies. He's been a broad for the past semester.
"
227207,"you know how Hitler used to tie his shoes? In little nazis
"
223758,"I'm the first to review a series of roads that have no left turns ... ... it's alright.
"
139220,"Cashier: how old r u? Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21 Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
"
69096,"Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it was pissed off.
"
49197,"what's black and white and red all over a nun with a harpoon through her
"
109241,"Why does the coffee taste like shit? Because it was ground this morning.
"
22441,"What's the worst part of running into your ex? You have to get out and check to see how bad your car is damaged.
"
96899,"Before I really understood sarcasm people would say things like """"oh, well look who it is"""" and I'd be like """"it's me Karen, I'm your daughter""""
"
85897,"I saw a person with a backpack and a messenger bag. Talk about some serious baggage.
"
208596,"What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a handsomely dressed man on a unicycle? Attire
"
165627,"Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours? A: Nacho cheese!
"
99287,"Why'd the factory worker hate their job? Because it was soda pressing.
"
47113,"I'm going to start making my own baby food... What's the best cut of baby?
"
225015,"If fire hydrants have H2O inside them, what do they have outside? K9P
"
95759,"I just established the five hour rule for tequila spilled on the floor.
"
49932,"If your nose runs and your feet smell..... You're built upside-down.
"
123455,"Miley Cyrus Im trying to think of a miley cyrus joke, but its just not twerking.
"
113028,"What do you call snacks served at a brothel? whore d'oeuvres
"
180349,"Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear... Therapist: Is this true? Me: She's right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
"
131729,"Why we don't give food to cannibals.. ..because they know how to feed for themselves.
"
60950,"How do you make Holy Water? Boil the Hell out of it!
"
84292,"What's your name? SIENNA Where you from, Sienna? MALIBU Do you like sports? GOLF You're just replying w car brands aren't you? FORD F-SERIES
"
99627,"It was just yesterday where it was a requirement to say grace before every meal... Now the only importance before a meal  is making sure you get glamour shot for instagram.
"
141325,"A straight face and a sincere-sounding """"Huh?"""" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
"
94337,"Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you're like, """"What the hell have I done?""""
"
163698,"Why did the American flag get so fat? Because these colors don't run.
"
83493,"I am in the S&amp;M period in my relationship She sleeps, I masturbate.
"
189862,"There's a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
"
38661,"Life on earth is expensive, but it does include an annual free trip around the sun
"
203675,"What did the busy tailor say to the Scarecrow who needed some mending? I can't find the twine.
"
43549,"Give a man a fish: you just killed a fish. Teach a man to fish: you just killed like a thousand fish
"
81869,"I walked into a bar the other day... ...ouch
"
31012,"Was just complaining about Mondays. Then I thought, """"Wow. David Lee Roth would never do that."""" So I shut up & finished my breakfast.
"
111374,"Why was the scare crow given an award? Because he is outstanding in his field.
"
149854,"Where do Crows hang out on friday night? The crow bar.
"
129294,"Plan """"T"""" is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
"
133847,"Which web developer enjoys finding bugs? A spider!
"
210319,"are their jew witout big nose... yas, but onli aftar nose removal
"
159344,"What do blind people drive? A cataract.
"
135966,"What do Tony Romo and a french whore have in common? They both do a great amount of sucking for four quarters.
"
56761,"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Nobody ever wants to borrow my hippo :-(
"
43547,"What does a fat ballerina wear? A three-three
"
138939,"Never refer to a woman as a bitch. Instead, refer to her as beautiful. Bitches love being called beautiful.
"
186972,"I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless! It only chills on Sundays!
"
90400,"A cat got run over A little boy told his teacher that his cat got run over its ass and the teacher said its thats terrible but its called a rectum. the boy said: rectum? it near killed him.
"
146857,"How can you tell if a girl is a lesbian? Look really closely at her tongue.... If it's in another girls vagina, she's a lesbian
"
126792,"What do you call Albert Einstein giving a handjob? A stroke of genius.
"
5640,"I went for my prostate examination this morning.After inserting a finger into my arse and having a good feel around, the doctor looked at me and said, """"that should be my finger, not yours""""
"
104290,"A skeleton goes to the bar and says """"Can I have a pint and a mop...""""
"
9169,"I watched the bonus features on a porn movie today. It just showed a woman crying in the shower, washing all the cum out of her hair.
"
42941,"My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
"
91209,"What do Mr. Spock and toilet paper have in common? They both hang around Uranus trying to wipe out Klingons.
"
185022,"magician: """"think of a letter, any letter"""" me: """"ok"""" magician: """"now double it"""" me: [visibly confused]
"
3998,"What do you call a party of communists that haven't seen each other in years? Soviet Reunion Terrible and painful, I know.
"
19062,"Who's the fattest Knight at the round table? Why? Circumference. Because he ate too much pi.
"
7327,"""""Why is there a jar of pickles in the bathroom?"""" """"I like pickles."""" """"Do you eat them when you're on the toilet?"""" """"Ewww! EAT them?! Gross!""""
"
192176,"What did the lifeguard say to the hippie? You're too far out, man.
"
71365,"My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said """"Alright, fatty.""""
"
34139,"What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock down your throat!
"
89210,"Have you heard of the italian chef that died? He pasta away!
"
223444,"Do you ever look at your own ass and ask yourself """"What the hell is going on?"""" -- Balaam son of Beor
"
217991,"One of my students told me he was drinking formic acid to settle his indigestion. After all, I suppose it is an *ant* acid.
"
194208,"Take my wife, Please!
"
80663,"""""You a cop?"""" UNDERCOVER COP: No. """"So you wouldn't mind if I ... threw these donuts away?"""" UC: *sweats profusely*
"
177875,"If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
"
226009,"Cheesy joke Cheddar
"
20852,"Q: What's the definition of a teenager? A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.
"
124508,"OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN - All Emmy winners
"
153771,"I tink Therefore I am Irish.
"
18196,"APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop [flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet] ME: hurricane
"
91825,"I'm sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That's your new name now, there's nothing we can do about it.
"
225810,"What is Donald Trump's favourite Overwatch hero? Mei, because she's from China and likes to build walls.
"
138994,"Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I'm flirting.
"
77361,"What kind of jeans does mario wear ? Denim denim denim
"
189961,"Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give  in? A: """"Have another beer.""""
"
210516,"Martin Luther King Jr, Gahndi, and JFK walk together into a bar. """"Don't worry,"""" they say to the other angels as they dusted themselves off """"the bullets hurt much more.""""
"
151600,"Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
"
7142,"Knock Knock Who's there? Doris. Doris who? Doris locked, that's why I'm knocking!
"
91997,"How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb? Haha, don't be silly. Feminists can't change anything!
"
198910,"[death row] GUARD: Ok, here's your last meal. Bon appetit. CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
"
27468,"[Jumps into taxi] """"FOLLOW..."""" [taxi driver turns around excitedly] """"...ME ON TWITTER"""" [Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
"
204282,"Mother Teresa lived to 87. Do you know how much sex she had in all those years? Nun.
"
73816,"A man went to a fish and chip lunch organised by the local monastery... He strolls up to one guy serving, and with a big grin, asks """"Are you the fish friar?"""" The guy responds """"No, I'm the chip monk!""""
"
16790,"How do you prevent alcoholism? Shots.
"
216583,"What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster? A cock thats up all night!
"
181385,"Yarrrr! What's a pirrrate's favorite letterrr? """"R?"""" NOOO!!! It's the Sea!!!
"
11179,"How do you confuse a jew? Put him in a circular room and tell him there's a quarter in the corner
"
66926,"What do you call a man that brews beer? A Hebrew.
"
35402,"What does a Bills fan do when they win the superbowl? He turns off his xbox.
"
130568,"What is the perfect name for an Indian butler? Mahatma Coat
"
95344,"My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things in her ear... So I leaned forward and said: """"dishes, bathroom and laundry.""""
"
179952,"What did the shooting range instructor say to the guy in a wheelchair? Parachute
"
182056,"Two law students walked into a Bar. And realized it was all a lie.
"
78148,"What's the difference between Nicole Simpson and Princess Dianna? Princess Di was killed ~ by a white man ~ in a black car.
"
213904,"You can't put a price on slippery lemons.
"
85718,"Having sex in a bunch of python compilation errors It's fucking *indents*
"
147514,"Me: I don't think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids. Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.
"
97522,"Q: How you can tell if a ghoul was in your fridge? A: It leaves footprints in the butter.
"
164268,"Telling someone """"You are not alone"""" can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
"
143331,"Did you hear about Apple's new product? It was a big 6s
"
136809,"Two Irish men walk into a bar. I would've thought one of them would have seen it.
"
58471,"I went to Costco the other day... As I was checking out the cashier asked me """" Do you wanna box?"""" I said """"No, but I'll wrestle you!""""
"
167935,"One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that's pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious
"
162736,"I always thought a shih tzu was... a zoo without animals.
"
59687,"Virgin mary enters into heaven as soon as she gets in she notices a hot dog stand. She blushes and giggling says """"the holy spirit!""""
"
59443,"Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the  three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.
"
140927,"Did you hear about the Rabbi who didn't charge for circumcision? He only took tips
"
209399,"I told my friends that I'm going on a date with a gorgeous girl, and they teased me that she's imaginary. Joke's on them, they are too.
"
202042,"The tenth of October is the only day of the year that I would recommend 10/10
"
126247,"I was an alcoholic for seven years. Today marks my eighth.
"
123096,"What's the difference between a sperm bank and an regular bank? When you start to make deposits at the sperm bank, you loose interest
"
60230,"I kept getting asked to stop singing """"What is Love?"""". My response to this is always the same... """"I would stop if I Haddaway""""
"
154880,"I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.
"
107736,"A Christmas joke for you: Where do snowmen go to dance? The snowball!
"
195705,"Fell asleep last night with the T.V. off. Was that camping?
"
199449,"Does Alfred masturbate? ... No he masturwaynes
"
92512,"A man walks into a bar.... /r/im14andthisisdeep I might not be doing this right
"
72595,"I realized that haven't done the Hokey Pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.
"
138587,"Give a man a fish and he'll go to McDonald's instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald's
"
80133,"Why girls live longer than boys???? SHOPPING"""" never causes HEART ATTACKS, but,""""PAYING the """"BILLS"""" does
"
68487,"What do you call an old snowman? Water.
"
158917,"What do you call a Starving German Woman Faminenazi
"
18783,"""""You Americans are so uptight!""""  dude from Europe who just kissed your girlfriend on the mouth
"
160027,"Where do you put the Duke? In the duke box!
"
151496,"Everyone always pets my pregnant wife's stomach and says 'congratulations' but no one ever rubs my balls and says 'good job'.
"
67038,"A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone's face.
"
139666,"What was the musician doing when he was struck by lightning? He was conducting.
"
148872,"In conclusion, members of the board, I'm sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
"
225126,"I love paying full retail for a game and not have all the content available. Said no one ever
"
18775,"My best toys run on batteries
"
201806,"Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
"
144547,"What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after? Yes, I'm completely sure.
"
205085,"What happens if the protesters in Egypt win? They advance to the finals against Tunisia.
"
32478,"What is the official ice cream flavor of the Academy Awards? Vanilla, because it's all white.
"
138445,"If there's one good thing about the election of Trump, it's the greatly lowered odds of being attacked by Russia. After all, they're not going to key their own car.
"
79889,"That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass
"
146550,"[SPEED DATING] HER: Hi, is this seat free? ME: By all means. HER: *drags chair across room ME: WTF? HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
"
68105,"Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
"
31580,"[interview] Any questions? """"Why isn't Bigfoot called Bigfeet?"""" No about working here """"Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?""""
"
220432,"The Longest Joke in the World http://longestjokeintheworld.com/
"
224586,"What a man How do you respond to someone who says """"fuck you"""" Answer: You fuck you
"
171155,"My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
"
181490,"My wife said to me: """"If you won the lottery, would you still love me? I said: """"Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you
"
71592,"The biggest problem with prostitution as a career path... All the jobs are entry level
"
104048,"There are so many old jokes on this subreddit... Want to hear a new one? 1.
"
79010,"Why do Asians have such small tits? Because they can only get As.
"
90464,"(Me,after returning from exam) Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper? Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn't knew.
"
57800,"In the words of my dead grandmother...
"
205131,"""""Mom, I'm sorry I'm not a doctor."""" -Me """"It's okay if you're not a doctor, or anything else."""" -Mom So true, much wow, no shock.
"
87543,"I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn't like it. So I choose not to post it this time around Edit: Thanks for the 1000 upvotes this time guys! ( Edited when I only had 27)
"
230112,"Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms
"
140343,"What do you call porn with thailandese chickens? Hentai. (Hen Thai)
"
135058,"If anyone thinks I'm a homophobe they can suck my dick. Unless they're a man, because that's unnatural.
"
210997,"Happiness won't just walk into your life on its own. But neither will unhappiness. So if you don't want trouble in your life... then you'd best stay still and never move a muscle.
"
208628,"Did you hear about the resourceful proctologist? He always used two fingers, in case his patients wanted a second opinion.
"
193654,"How to blind parachutist know they're close to the ground? The feel the leash go slack! (heard this one while listening to some irish tunes)
"
107486,"[Fixed] Brace yourself for the shortest and corniest joke in the world kernel
"
88416,"Why did the feminist sign up for football? She wanted to be the center of attention.
"
25517,"Ad a German i often hear some say we have a bad humor .... last time someone actually told me, he got burned with the other jews telling me. Edit: Damn it phone it is as and not ad ._.
"
164482,"What do you call a communist sniper A Marxman
"
185911,"My insomnia is getting worse But I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.
"
196684,"What do you call an eternity? 4 blondes in 4 cars at a 4 way stop
"
73111,"How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb and one to provide suppressing fire.
"
132502,"""""This town ain't big enough for the two of us."""" -Someone who is terrible at English, science, and geography.
"
225874,"Well it's that time of year again when the 80 a week I invest in child maintenance finally pays off by providing me with a pair of fucking socks.
"
133293,"How does Samsung know its most loyal customers? They check with the burn ward. (I'll get my coat)
"
142101,"Did you hear about the fly that sat on the toilet seat? It got pissed off.
"
227948,"Hillary Clinton is elected president... good one
"
151042,"The GOP debate
"
59972,"What is the coldest dish at a Mexican restaurant? a b-r-r-r-r-ito
"
227119,"A chicken crosses the road... ..and meets 007 on the other side. """"What's your name?"""" Asks the chicken. """"Bond, James Bond,"""" Says 007. """"And how about you?"""" """"Ken,"""" Says the chicken. """"Chic Ken.""""
"
222233,"What kind of sound does a horny toad make? Rubbit, rubbit.
"
37842,"Q: Why'd the robber take a bath? A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.
"
194700,"What's the difference between a Lima Bean and a Chick Pea? I never payed a hundred bucks to have a Lima Bean on my face.
"
73443,"What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
"
80542,"I was out shopping today; guess who asked about you?! Nobody.
"
177332,"""""Coming up on tonight's news, hear about the tragic case of 10 people who lost their lives trying to escape a fire at the nightclub everyone's been dying to get into."""" *Disclaimer: No pun in ten dead.
"
215703,"Where can I fit 40 jews in my car The ashtray.
"
89980,"6.9 is worse than 69 because... it's interrupted by a period.
"
125547,"44 of my Facebook friends changed their profile pictures. My life is fucking insane.
"
132864,"How many dwarves does it take to paint a room red? It depends how hard you throw then against the wall.
"
77750,"What do you call two lonely bastards drinking together? Two bastards.
"
55852,"Heard this at Disney... What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino? What? An elephino! (What's better is that they tell this surrounded by kids, and the parent's all just chuckle)
"
151220,"Tutorial: How to make sure your Reddit post blows up Ill tell you if this reaches 50 upvotes edit: ~~added joke~~ update
"
140121,"What's faster than light? Darkness, my old friend.
"
193119,"""""I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.""""-Nobody in Assassin's Creed
"
58166,"Jewish dietary law... Pork and shellfish may be eaten only in a good Chinese restaurant.
"
135672,"Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it.
"
196267,"Who's in charge of all the liquid measurements? The liter.
"
222315,"What do Steve Harvey and a dentist have in common? They're both experts at placing temporary crowns.
"
221076,"Internet speeds would be a lot faster if it wasn't for all the bandwidth hogs watching their cats sleep by webcam.
"
139084,"I asked my blonde girlfriend to shave her pussy for me I didn't realize Calico's were that skinny.
"
77229,"I used to hate my tumor But it grew on me.
"
183590,"I always read my wife's Horoscope to see what kind of day I'M going to have.
"
145608,"If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line """"lettuce romaine friends"""" at a low cost of my student loans.
"
229709,"GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
"
57680,"What does Spiderman like to get high on? Mary Jane
"
63432,"eer booze and fun!' 'Contrary to what people say  you can indeed drink to relax. Of course sometimes you get so calm you can't move.
"
96331,"Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
"
187863,"What do you call it when you said a redneck on fire? A firecracker
"
199218,"Who will put chick sexers out of business? broosters
"
57013,"Why should you bring two pairs of pants when you golf? In case you get a hole-in-one (stolen from some girl at school)
"
31401,"How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail? Because he was in a cent
"
226993,"this is best joke :D watch it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVHlZkzPiH0
"
6650,"What do you call a fat female assassin? A killer whale.
"
31086,"""""Hey Siri, what's your favorite 'Friends' quote?"""" """"I'm very bendy""""
"
112484,"Daughter yells """"I love bananas, the bigger the better"""". Wife and I laugh hysterically, Then I die a little inside.
"
210202,"Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies
"
142264,"Autocorrect is horrible... I'm so tired of this shirt
"
78465,"In a blind test, 100% of participants... said they totally didn't see this joke coming.
"
146075,"2 muffins sitting in the oven. First one says """"Damn it's hot in here"""". Second one says """"Oh shit! A talking muffin"""".
"
171323,"Chuck Norris Joke Chuck Norris tells Preston about settlements that need help.
"
25524,"What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? One snatches watches...
"
189493,"If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
"
64880,"A selfie stick is very useful..... .. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
"
16673,"We would have discovered the cure for cancer by now if we rewarded, recognized and respected our scientists just as much as we do our sportsmen and celebrities.
"
216581,"When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question
"
221886,"I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
"
102128,"Why is a room of 50 doctors safer than a room with 1000 doctors? You can't survive in 1000 degrees. *credit to my friend Neriah.
"
55729,"Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.
"
45919,"I've been feeling really dizzy since yesterday I think I need to stop these New Year revolutions.
"
183503,"My friend said he had a hole in his sock. I replied, """"Darn it!""""
"
220590,"I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
"
95140,"A Chicago priest is offering a $5,000 reward to help stop gun violence. Meanwhile, people with guns just found out about a priest who has $5,000.
"
133757,"How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a Mexican's job.
"
55504,"What are the people from the country Lesbia called? Lesbians
"
15390,"Warning: This movie may contain nudity. Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my time.
"
196190,"Most people cry while chopping an onion... The secret is to not form an emotional bond.
"
74871,"How many post-minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. On e to he lp with t he he lp with one two with and the oth there to {}}}}}}}}}}}}} and th e to two with lp he
"
134674,"Canada has seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
"
103999,"When I go to my Profile Page I am so happy it says """"That's You!"""" because I get confused easily.
"
214808,"Computer dating is fine... if you are a computer.
"
78318,"Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
"
104493,"When I asked my friend how he's doing, he said """"man, I'm just happy to be breathing"""". I told him he should have bigger aspirations.
"
17274,"I love this time of year, when the temperature changes from believing in global warming to not believing in global warming.
"
102326,"George bush got stuck in concrete. That sets a bad precedent.
"
59254,"Her: """"Your funny"""" Me: """".... Uh ya... this isn't gonna work""""
"
135713,"A teacher was fired for not letting kids out at the end of the day unless they gave her fresh coffee. It was grounds for dismissal.
"
150035,"What is an Actor? A man who tries to be everything but himself
"
141102,"The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it... I'm gonna miss that baby...
"
146818,"What is a mathematicians favorite Eagles song? Take it to the limit. RIP Glenn Frey
"
175869,"""""do you know why I pulled one over on you?"""" becau- wait what? """"I'm not a real cop lol"""" haha nice! *pulls gun* """"I am taking your car though""""
"
124161,"My girlfriend says she's going to leave me because I have a gambling problem But I think she's bluffing.
"
47641,"My professor really snapped yesterday, went all crazy on the blackboard during math lecture He really did a number on it. Its days are numbered now. Edit: grammar
"
41662,"[3rd grade] bae: come over me: no bae: my parents aren't home. me: but we're only 7, that's awful parenting. bae: but- me: AWFUL. PARENTING.
"
227604,"Soon every possible joke will be written on twitter and we will be forced to face our feelings.
"
20921,"I never make mistakes... I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
"
58257,"What do mexicans drink in the morning? Dos Eggys
"
136822,"What do you call a pokemon with a venereal disease? A PENISSAUR!
"
146712,"Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you're dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
"
194542,"I thought it was a booger... But itsnot.
"
142987,"Scientists had already discovered a ninth planet 5000 times the size of Pluto years ago Your Mum
"
112435,"Why do people regard the middle east as the holy land? Because they're constantly drilling for oil.
"
108371,"Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine? A: Knock on the hatch.
"
124123,"My girlfriend treats me like a god She ignores me till she wants to ask for something
"
118678,"I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements It's putting me to sleep
"
91534,"I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit's door.
"
4663,"My friend has OCD and says he doesn't like white girls. Maybe because they can't even
"
190751,"Way to greet me with a headache, Friday. Who died and made you an asshole? You think you're Monday or something?
"
199100,"Which is the meat patties' least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
"
5744,"If I died & went straight to hell it would probably take me 2 or 3 weeks before I realized I wasn't at work anymore.
"
138394,"if ur in a bad mood & somone says """"have a good day"""" the best response is to yell """"HEY EVRYONE THIS DUDES HANDING OUT GOOD DAYS COME GET ONE""""
"
39689,"There was this ancient pagan ritual where they would hit the ground with sticks and shout out. Today we call it golf.
"
45792,"ADELE WAS BUSTED FOR DRUG DEALING! Yep - they lifted her skirt and found 100 pounds of crack.
"
6159,"[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes? [instructor] that's not what we- [me] I just hate boxes so damn much
"
153884,"Short rabbi joke As I'm walking with a rabi I ask him, Me: so do you charge a lot for you circumcisions? Rabbi: no I just keep the tips
"
100180,"i just found the HOTTEST porn video: """"girl uses logic during argument"""". oh god, i'm gonna nut just typing thissssssfjdksfjsjfa..........
"
55024,"Why do Russian cars have such a bad rep? Because they're always Stalin.
"
53346,"Him: Let's play """"show me your binky."""" Me: Hey Father, this is a fucked up confession. Can't I just say a Hail Mary?
"
221368,"What is a psychic medium? ...smaller than a psychic large.
"
166694,"Women's voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you're in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
"
39134,"Mother Banana: Why didn't you go to school today? Little Banana: Because I didn't peel well.
"
21312,"Kids used to call me """"four eyes"""" in school. I'm not sure if it was because of my nerd glasses or because I spelled my name Loriiii.
"
203958,"If Wednesday is hump day... ...is Tuesday foreplay day?
"
207635,"A horse walks into a bar... Bartender: why the long face???
"
126046,"Let's turn that frown upside down! ** **does handstand** **
"
67883,"I like my women like I like my coffee Tied up in a sack and thrown on the back of a donkey!
"
211179,"Orange Signal Booster Network Service has a mobile phone signal booster that is specifically designed to improve the Orange Network signal.
"
26459,"I tried committing suicide once... never doing that again, I almost killed myself.
"
125932,"I, for one, completely agree with Hitler's plan... ...to kill himself. ____________________________________ Besides, if it wasn't for Hitler, who else would we compare our enemies to?
"
206872,"Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
"
172553,"Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn't wanna look stupid
"
220587,"Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?
"
139206,"My grief counselor died last week. Luckily, he was so good I didn't give a shit
"
12796,"How can Donald Trump avoid impeachment? By dropping out now.
"
58009,"I'm glad I'm not invited to Joan Rivers' funeral. She might be cremated and I hate the smell of burning plastic. Too soon?
"
28160,"I have a dog named Lucky... Sometimes he escapes so we have to go get Lucky. And sometimes it'll be dark out so we'll be up all night to get Lucky.
"
7379,"""""War Horse"""" and """"The Help"""" are the SAME movie! I watched them on my laptop and they BOTH have a 90 minute scene where I just check Facebook.
"
214321,"Why couldn't the penguin turn around in the phone booth? Because he had a javelin through his head.
"
68327,"I was once kicked out of fat camp for being a little debbie downer.
"
99324,"What did the token black guy say to the other black guy who walks in the party? Hey man ! Who do you know here ? This is a Brothers only party !
"
192215,"I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn't be fare to him
"
52362,"I was talking to a 12 year old on the Internet when she told me she was an undercover cop I told her I was proud of her That's a really big job for a 12 year old
"
140243,"What do you call an illegal immigrant and a pedophile fighting? Alien Vs Predator
"
222759,"What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?
"
90016,"What does a girl from Kentucky say after sex? Git off me Pa. You crushin ma Copenhagen
"
29587,"What do old lady vaginas smell like? Depends.
"
48014,"I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like """"If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.""""
"
195166,"This poor old lady slipped and fell on the ice today..... at least I think she was poor she only had 75 cents in her purse.
"
140338,"Why do women put on makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and smell bad...
"
123297,"TIFU by trying to kill a spider with axe body spray. Now his name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house.
"
181438,"I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall 'for a good time'. Then I recognized my hand writing.
"
53513,"I stopped at the bookstore to pick up the book I ordered on how to get through life with an extremely small penis. It isn't in yet.
"
128083,"How is sex like air? It's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
"
147728,"What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
"
88274,"Snatch, twat, fanny, cunt, pussy, box, split-arse, and of course vagina. Just a few of the names I have given to my cats.
"
10144,"What did the italian man with dementia have for dinner? Forgetti Bolognese.
"
106877,"What do you call a sick eagle that just flew in from out of the country? an ill-eagle immigrant
"
142246,"My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.
"
19706,"My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
"
28880,"I ordered a Pizza the other day, When she read the order back to me she said, """"So, you have one thick sausage, anything else? I looked her dead in the eye and replied, """"Yes, I also ordered a pizza.""""
"
4174,"23rd Century Scientist: We're sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission. Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
"
34290,"I met this one guy who thought killing someone to save many is still wrong. God, what a Kant.
"
63866,"I wanted to make a joke about a Russian airplane... ...but it'll probably get shot down
"
22852,"What is worse than a worm in your apple? The Holocaust
"
185783,"""""You should leave your wife..."""" The secret note I leave on my husband's windshield every morning...
"
127093,"I can't help but be disappointed at the brand new Rolex I received for my birthday from the lesbian couple next door. ... I think they misunderstood when I said, """"I wanna watch.""""
"
35306,"Who's Zombies greatest enemy? Necrophiliacs
"
44924,"How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard I throw them.
"
98081,"why is 6 afraid of 7 ? because 7 is a child molester
"
11879,"40 days after Christmas Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her for Christmas and it's still printing.
"
60287,"I have Tindr hair.... It's messy, dry, and I swipe it to the right hoping for good looking results.
"
22856,"I just ate four cans of alphabet soup... ...and just had the largest vowel movement ever.
"
18149,"Does the defense have any last words? """"Yes I do your honor... THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA"""" [Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
"
193856,"Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of  secret service agents? A: He's the stiff one.
"
42881,"A boy is walking in the forest with a pedophile """"This forest is really scary,"""" says the boy. """"Tell me about it,"""" replies the pedophile. """"And I have to walk outta here alone!""""
"
156569,"* see weird traffic pattern * turns down radio * smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole * runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
"
2406,"Hair Stylist: What are we doing today? Me: Let's do something that will look great here but I'll have no chance of replicating at home
"
189123,"What do you call a spitting vampire? Spatula.
"
24920,"How do you get a woman to pick cotton?' Set her tampon string on fire.
"
84138,"Working with horses is hard but it's stable work.
"
58661,"News Just In:More pictures leaked,the world rejoices...Iran uses oppertunity to attack Lets not get complacent,your lives could depend on it.
"
55293,"My sons consider """"it's bedtime"""" my first offer in the negotiation process
"
103001,"Me: *braids girl's hair* Girl: *turns around, terrified* Me: The movie was boring me... *leans back in seat* *eats popcorn*
"
110901,"TRUE STORY: woke up around 3am with a great idea for a tweet; this morning found a note reading """"Hills, they are nature's stairs!"""" Please RT
"
165776,"What cause of death prevents a man from having a closed-casket funeral? Viagra overdose
"
147566,"What do you call 8 rabbits? a rabbyte
"
4302,"What do call a white guy in a burning building? Fire cracker
"
205024,"*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats* Guy who's about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
"
53966,"I got free admission for life at SeaWorld For being an Orca Whale.
"
201023,"Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
"
221263,"Don't take drugs... for granted.
"
158167,"Marriage is a workshop.........The husband works & The wife shops
"
21153,"Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
"
61775,"Dating tip: Don't do it, a disturbingly high percentage of people are actually flesh eating insects in human suits. Just stay home instead.
"
42914,"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIEt after the holidays.
"
39459,"What's the easiest way to twist someone's arm? Thalidomide
"
214301,"Wife just found out my ring tone for her is """"ding dong the witch is dead"""" so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
"
8209,"Once you go black you'll sit in the back
"
101494,"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalottapus
"
2315,"New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist. You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.
"
70831,"You know, I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.... then it dawned on me.
"
191658,"Did you hear about the tick who followed U2 on tour? They say he was living life on The Edge.
"
10388,"Cow joke. Maybe sex for a cow aint great since the bull dick is jerky.
"
12622,"What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat? The wheelchair.
"
191522,"I had such a crap day. First my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver. Ugh.
"
44363,"My dad was a good man, he raised five boys.... Without the rest of us knowing
"
193727,"Absence makes the heart grow fonder... of someone else, who isn't quite as absent.
"
195600,"Marriage Joke The title is the joke. Come on guys. -.-
"
114097,"They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile Not me. I live next to two guys who keep reposting a century-old joke
"
127964,"I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
"
1415,"""""And now it's time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!"""" - Cat game shows
"
109712,"Hold on I'm about to count my money. Alright I'm done.
"
40445,"What's the difference between Karate and Judo? Karate is a martial art and Judo is used to make bagels.
"
190688,"Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
"
62349,"There hasn't really been any natural disasters lately Even the mudslides have gone downhill.
"
114135,"I like to go to the vet It's a lot cheaper than the doctor. The only shitty part is the thermometer
"
124640,"(Xpost Antijokes) Check yourself before you wreck yourself... ...with dick cancer. Happy Movember. http://us.movember.com/mens-health/
"
171375,"You know you're fat when when... Your penis is an *innie*.
"
61690,"When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes
"
1240,"What's the alien version of Facebook? Spacebook. (It's a terrible joke I know).
"
221517,"I used to think Ronda Rousey was so hot But tonight I saw a total knockout
"
107368,"Its march already Life is marching forward
"
172820,"A car dealership twice the size... ...can offer a whole lot more.
"
917,"My grandfather's holocaust stories aren't half as depressing as the contestant interview segment on Jeopardy.
"
184659,"""""i used to live in india, now I live in indiana"""" """"is there a difference?"""" """"na""""
"
190253,"hey baby. ever been with a man who uses the basket instead of a grocery cart. Im basically bicep curling these chickpeas haha its easy to me
"
20343,"What kind of disease do you get from birds? Chirpes. It's a canarial disease, and I hear it's untweetable.
"
148453,"When I got back from Vietnam people asked how I could shoot women and children...I told them, """"it's easy you just don't lead as much""""
"
6231,"I was suffering from constipation the other day but I really didn't care In fact, I didn't even give a shit.
"
93020,"What's a cats favorite color? Puuuuurple.
"
188479,"Doctor: """"Good news you passed your hearing test!"""" Patient: """"HUH""""
"
38265,"Who makes more money a drug dealer or a prostitute? A prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
"
188439,"I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking. He said he was busy and I'd just have to be a little patient.
"
192437,"How do you stop squirrels playing football in  the garden ? Hide the ball it drives them nuts !
"
216820,"What do you call a pachyderm that doesn't matter? Irrelephant.
"
29443,"My friend told me he broke my lamp He said I hope you're not mad. No, im delighted
"
100120,"People who decorate their cars for Christmas are in serious need of help.
"
72195,"""""WTF IS THIS?!?!"""" dad demands as he looks at my report card. I explain to him the idea of schooling and grading systems and he calms down.
"
129727,"What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic? About halfway. ^^I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out...
"
60592,"add """"boobs"""" to a famous film name 47 boobs. got it?
"
224646,"LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER
"
152926,"Holocaust jokes aren't as funny when you have a relative that died in a concentration camp. To be fair though, if the fall from the gun tower hadn't killed Opa, the alcohol would have.
"
40639,"I'm white but I'm not """"exterminate or enslave millions of indigenous peoples then rewrite history into a bullshit heroic narrative"""" white
"
144202,"I was going to tell a mean joke about EMT's but I didn't wanna get... ... carried away.
"
69907,"TIL that FDR was the first sitting President to travel by airplane Maybe tomorrow I'll learn who the first standing President to travel by airplane was!
"
24118,"What do old cars and dead chickens have in common? You'll usually get more money for them if you sell them for parts
"
113533,"How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? **One.** They're very efficient and don't have a great sense of humour.
"
68553,"George, are you high? No mom. The smell is incense, my eyes are red from browsing reddit for hours, and I'm just keeping that unicorn here until Tim comes back from Florida.
"
200655,"So I'm balls deep in this guys ass and I go ahead and try to give him a reach-around... And he was hard.. How fucking gay is that?
"
221448,"9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
"
137785,"[Job interview] """"What are your strengths?"""" Me: I fall in love easily. """"Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?"""" Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
"
134004,"So I tried catching some fog today... I mist.
"
32736,"What do you call an elephant that can't do  sums ? Dumbo !
"
192825,"*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend's twin* TWIN: she'll never find out about us ME: thanks dude you're a trustworthy guy
"
9172,"I like my women like I like my wine.... Nine years old and locked in my basement.
"
180622,"Internet, just because I bought shoes from you once doesn't mean I'm going to do it again. You're coming across as desperate.
"
71544,"Doctor wanted a semen sample, stool sample and urine sample. I gave him a pair of my underwear. Here, you sort it out.
"
218222,"Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
"
106978,"Two cannibals are enjoying dinner. One compliments the other, """"I say, Bill, your wife really makes a great meal.""""
"
137724,"How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away its USB cable.
"
45944,"I am never going to procrastinate again... Starting next semester
"
104912,"What do Native American pubescent hipsters who would like to join a group often say? Clandestine.
"
206898,"Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
"
3787,"Jokes from a college student. How to use green, yellow, and pink in a sentence? The phone goes green, green, green, I pink it up, and say yellow.
"
190707,"Do you remember when you used to blow bubbles? Well he's back in town and said he misses you.
"
26378,"I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalk For keeping me off the street.
"
60132,"I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night. The performance was a little wooden.
"
92450,"I watch """"2 Girls, 1 Cup"""" for the articles.
"
169763,"Why don't you starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is there.
"
205986,"Why can you not shower with a Pokemon? Because they'll Pikachu
"
104778,"Tryna get into bondage But I need someone to show me the ropes
"
161377,"Dude, I'd love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn't going to host itself.
"
161723,"You can convince people to go anywhere with the promise of free food.
"
167520,"The tag on this hot tub reads """"6 man"""" when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!
"
123565,"What did the table fan say to his boss when he couldn't get to work on time? Ah-so-late!
"
66097,"What is Jar Jar Binks' favorite food? Meesa Soup
"
229592,"How did the Hispanic secret agent introduce himself? Bondo. Jaime Bondo.
"
81907,"Being an HR, whenever I get a new batch of resumes, I always throw half of them in the garbage. I don't want unlucky people working in my department.
"
55456,"what do you call it when you sext someone and they dont respond? Molexting
"
231501,"Is this your 1st video conference call? *Takes HUGE bong rip* *Holding it in* umm no So you're aware we can see you? *Cough* what *cough*
"
130472,"Police: We'd like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband's disappearance. Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
"
190199,"What do you call playing a woodwind instrument and eating fast food while driving an f1 car? A McClarenet.
"
217527,"What did the Indian woman say during sex? Please cum again!
"
206707,"Why wouldn't Hillary Clinton let Bill be her IT manager? She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.
"
16166,"Then there was the noodle who wanted all his life to be an M... but when he finally got his wish, no one believed him cause he was an M pasta...
"
190702,"When I catch my dog sleeping, I shave dicks into his fur.
"
13891,"The phrase """"Getting nickeled and dimed"""" hasn't kept up with inflation... We're definitely getting dollared now.
"
154487,"What do you call a snake that has been knighted? Sir Pent...
"
57341,"Thanks for telling me this is your """"pet cat"""" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
"
64988,"Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? A: Chelsea.
"
107025,"Why does Olaf have to be a snowMAN when he clearly has snow gender.
"
153655,"Born free, taxed to death.
"
93832,"I think single ply toilet paper is very spiritual. I easily get in touch with my inner self.
"
209232,"Why is the US terrible at league of legends? Because they can't protect their towers.
"
55453,"I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.
"
32897,"You're stuck in 2nd person and you can't get out. Help you. Help you. Please. Help you You wrote this reddit post
"
70285,"What is Bing's most searched word ? Chrome
"
154394,"how did jerry heller order breakfast over eazy
"
78255,"Why does a bride wear white? So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.
"
205320,"What is it a volcano has which gives him trouble erupting? Eruptile dysfunction.
"
119964,"ME: who's a good boy *kissy noises* DOG: I just murdered the cat ME: you are, yes you are *rubs dog's head* DOG: you're next buddy
"
95191,"Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired
"
69657,"Didn't know which glass of beer was mine so I drank both. I'm a problem solver.
"
118217,"A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, """"Can I touch it?"""" He answers, """"No way -- you already broke yours off!""""
"
106959,"What do you say when trying to catch the elevator? """"Hodor! Hodor!""""
"
152404,"Is bankruptcy spelled with one """"oh shit"""" or two?
"
188277,"How much for the vacation home? Sir, this is a coffin.
"
229035,"""""One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you...."""" under a moving bus
"
146872,"Why did the feminist's bakery go out of business? She told people to stop patronizing her.
"
149489,"Is it """"raymen"""" noodles or """"rawmun"""" noodles? I don't wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
"
167258,"[taking baby's shoes off] Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It's almost as if you were carried everywhere.
"
49473,"A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked  but don't worry, another study says you're just being paranoid.
"
111580,"Do you guys want to hear about my Friday night? I had quite an experience at home by myself. At one point I even picked my coat up from the floor. It was off the hook.
"
172552,"Hey girl , are you interested in boning pasta? Because I can f u silli.
"
77591,"What's a nice way to tell someone that you don't want talk while you're working out? It's not """"Shut up, asshole."""" Apparently.
"
162395,"My kids are starting to ask questions that I don't know the answers to so I'm going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
"
56136,"A woman drives into a bar.
"
90120,"Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, """"Would you like a beer?"""" Descartes says, """"I think not,"""" and vanishes.
"
157994,"I've been dating this girl who works at the zoo. I'm pretty sure she's a keeper.
"
148971,"I was arrested yesterday for stealing eggs. I could've sworn they were free range.
"
104672,"Gay jokes are not funny! Cum on guys!
"
222300,"Having sex is like playing bridge... If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
"
229225,"Where are five gay guys on a bus headed to? One Direction
"
226523,"To the person who created the first """"Knock, Knock"""" joke.... That person should totally have won the No Bell prize.
"
15579,"Mexican and Black jokes are all the same... You've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.
"
47899,"(From my 7 year old) Why should you never give Queen Elsa a balloon? Because she'll just let it go.
"
202653,"Two men at the Communist Nudist Colony are sitting on the porch... One turns to the other and says, """"I say old boy, have you read marx?"""" The other says, """"Yes, I believe it's these wicker chairs.""""
"
187734,"Darwin is a genius. Just realized I'm attracted to women in glasses because I'm more likely to reproduce with a woman who can't see me well.
"
82489,"A man walks into a bar It hurt
"
139533,"""""would u like some dessert?"""" i ask the moose head above the fireplace """"no thanks im stuffed"""" i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
"
7222,"I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
"
34638,"Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.
"
17745,"They say Curiosity killed the cat Why there was a cat on Mars we'll never know.
"
213858,"Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
"
75913,"""""Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day."""" - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
"
226313,"Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.
"
201575,"What did the Giant say after he ate Tonga? 'I want Samoa!'
"
191184,"What do you call a dissection performed by drunks? An Autipsy.
"
215804,"Did you hear about the bike race that goes all the way across Norway and Sweden? It ends at the Finnish line.
"
98796,"For Lent I've decided to give up my New Year's Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
"
150601,"What do you call a chicken coop with 4 doors? A chicken sedan.
"
231427,"What did the corn say when it was complemented? Aww, shucks!
"
170492,"What do marriage and hurricanes have in common? They both start with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your fucking house! thanks @Canadianmomma
"
70458,"If you ever go skydiving and your parachute doesn't open don't worry You have the rest of your life to fix it
"
76873,"Everyone keeps saying """"0scars r our Olympics!"""" O for f*ck sake. And our Pussy Riot is Justin Beiber fighting Shia lebeouf
"
158291,"What's the difference between the average yogurt and the United States of America? if you leave a yogurt alone for two-hundred years it'll develop a culture (also it can be fat free)
"
228369,"Girl, are you E=mc 2? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
"
201705,"Nerd Joke Man walks into a bar and days """"Bartender, I'll have an H2O."""" His friend says """"Ill have some H2O, too"""" His friend dies.
"
31536,"Beethoven found that having diarrhoea always helped him compose quicker By midday, he was already on his third movement.
"
65053,"What is the most faithful insect ? A flea once they find someone they like they stick to them !
"
177807,"What did Jesus say after he was resurrected? Nailed it
"
94309,"What do you call a fight between an Illegal Immigrant and a Pedophile? Alien vs Predator
"
49840,"Two fish in a tank. One asks: How do you drive this thing?
"
54522,"What is a Japanese favourite beverage that they don't remember? """"Affogato""""
"
222826,"Helen Keler walked into a bar then a table.....then a chair.
"
144727,"Why did the opossum cross the road? To get to the middle.
"
185509,"Wrestling is so stupid I can't believe people pay to watch people without pants risk their lives for a belt
"
184458,"Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
"
102990,"Knock-Knock... -Who's there? -Doctor. -Doctor Who? -No, bitch. Doctor House.
"
157937,"Last night I was so drunk I blew chunks. Chunks is my dog.
"
51345,"Why should you never get into an argument with a dictionary? Because they'll always have the last word.
"
194181,"My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won't have any luck finding them without a shovel.
"
160969,"When the grammar nazi learned his friend had less than 6 months to live. *fewer
"
104199,"What happens when you combine bleach and a girl dog? You get a basic bitch
"
6991,"Lebron James quits basketball to become an actor And he's taking his talents to Hollywood
"
92970,"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to get in her trunk or she'll have to do this the hard way.
"
33424,"*camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line* *Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette* """"It was a... shoeishide""""
"
34888,"Why can't the Maple Leafs have any tea? Because Boston has all the cups!
"
3683,"Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
"
11730,"3 Politicians go to Heaven...
"
153590,"Children are like STD's you try hard not to get once you get them your life is ruined, your stuck with them and their a huge pain in the ass
"
77740,"I was reading in the paper today about a midget that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
"
30707,"A Maritimer in a bar once asked me if I had ever tried Moosehead. I said """"No, but I've had some pretty grizzly pussy in my day.""""
"
83883,"Life is like a box of Chocolates It doesn't last as long for fat people.
"
3271,"What do you call twin kittens? Dupli-cats
"
126406,"Look mom, no meds!
"
174611,"You know when you read a page of a book and then realize you didn't absorb any of it? I think I did that with my life.
"
198923,"Batman: Nobody will ever know the location of the bat cave! Iron Man: Here's my home address: 10880 Malibu Point, 90265. I'll keep the door unlocked
"
130971,"Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple? Because he couldn't get a date!
"
105211,"Abortion jokes They really suck the life out of you
"
84881,"I like my women like Hillary Nasty and exposed !
"
56439,"I can't believe it's almost 2012 & there isn't a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids who's really into magic.
"
59397,"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
"
28219,"People always ask why I'm wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my senor year.
"
207760,"Would you like to buy a car for half price* *half the price of two.
"
33338,"I was going to be a politician for Halloween Then I realized I couldn't fit my head up my ass
"
199659,"My favorite name for a planet is Saturn... it has a nice ring to it.
"
103323,"ME: I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. GUY: I love that song. ME: What song?
"
55148,"What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore
"
33703,"My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died... She was attacked by a giant crab.
"
76869,"Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said """"because it's my ex's Twitter handle"""" before.
"
136725,"An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had
"
212208,"What do cannibals on a budget eat? Ramen. (Sound it out.)
"
32608,"""""I feel like a failure, doc. I've got 5 boys and they ALL work as hotel valets"""" """"Wow this is the worst case of parking sons I've ever seen!""""
"
108560,"What does Batman's mum shout when it's time for dinner? Nothing. She's dead.
"
154619,"What does it sound like when two old people have sex? Snap, crackle, pop.
"
84812,"What did the egg say to the boiler water? It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid last night.
"
163378,"Baby seal So, a baby seal walks into a club... ... ...
"
129130,"I finished a burrito 5 minutes ago and I wish there was more. I now understand every Taylor Swift song.
"
190338,"What is the difference between a feminist and a machist? The second lacks the hypocrisy of the first.
"
87252,"Did you hear about the Nuns up north who started a marijuana dispensary? Holy smokes...
"
125987,"Why was the bakers bread so expensive? He needed the dough.
"
15699,"I've been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I'm now three weeks late for work.
"
179720,"What Chinese name means 'wolf'? Hau Ling.
"
21406,"I refer to """"porno"""" movies as """"regular"""" movies not """"adult"""" movies. And I refer to non-porno movies as """"Christian kids"""" films.
"
72492,"My relationship is complex because I am real but my S.O. is imaginary
"
98497,"[creating man] GOD: They need air to live ANGEL: Done G: And food A: Ok G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes A: wtf?
"
122065,"Few things can match the satisfaction of high-fiving someone who is trying to give you the Talk To The Hand gesture.
"
226660,"Ive been married twice... my first wife died of mushroom poisoning and my second wife died of a fractured skull. She didnt like mushrooms.
"
228516,"My father died recently and I came into a bunch of money. I decided to buy a car and pay cash... and the man at the dealership asked me, """"Why are all these bills so sticky?!""""
"
105315,"why are all jewish men circumcised? because jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 10% off.
"
208170,"The Dutch have invented a continuously-airborne plane. It never lands.
"
129978,"Q: Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman? A: He drove her buggy.
"
185955,"If the only way you say """"Happy Birthday"""" to someone is via their Facebook wall, they're not your friend.
"
5207,"Not paying more than $2,000 a kilo. And can we stop communicating through Twitter? I feel like these DM's are going to go public someday.
"
74845,"Socialism jokes are only funny if everybody gets them. Its Reality.
"
221244,"I hate colored pencils. I'd rather dye than use them.
"
150081,"I went to see a Spanish magician and he told the crowd that he could make himself disappear on the count of three. He started counting. """"Uno! Dos!"""" And then he was gone. Without a tres.
"
194836,"What is Fetty Wap's favorite time? 5:38 PM.
"
63714,"What's brown and sticky? My poster of Beyonce.
"
117438,"Why does Snoop carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle
"
205825,"Thought I heard reggae music coming from the office... ...but it was just the printer jammin'
"
159640,"One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.
"
35636,"Yo mama joke Yo mama`s so hairy, she grows afros on her nipples
"
175985,"What did the hookers left leg say to the right leg? Between you and me, we can make a lot of money.
"
10390,"What do you call a disabled man in the hood? A Kripple.
"
161049,"How does Lady Gaga like her meat? raw raw raw raw raw
"
16377,"So I was talking to a feminist the other day... The trial is next week
"
86837,"What do you call a white asian who loves cola? Cokeasian.
"
25153,"As a miner, it's hard being on Jokes. I never seem to strike gold on this Subreddit.
"
9470,"A guy from Michigan dies and wake up in Hell. """"At least I'm still in Michigan.""""
"
160470,"Chelsea FC captain had a night to forget, his performance was Terryble
"
96051,"Recently a female bank robber wasn't very successful She only got 77% of what a what a male would have.
"
88284,"What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can't take a joke.
"
74569,"Why do tampons have strings? So crabs can go bungee jumping
"
111954,"Sometimes I wake up grumpy.. Other times I let her sleep
"
18759,"""""You are what you eat"""" [Eats a confident person] Now we wait...
"
116704,"So a man goes to a restaurant and orders some food.. [OC] Man: """"Ugghhh...What the hell is this? There is sand in my paella!!!"""" Waiter: """"Si?""""
"
56456,"I hate the term """"Hipster"""" It's too mainstream
"
105269,"Come close... Closer... Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see... Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it's killing me.
"
68521,"David Bowie died at 69, Alan Rickman died at 69... ... Donald Trump is 69. We are all crossing our fingers.
"
216648,"What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
"
224226,"If you've ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
"
58369,"OUESTION: What is cosmetics? ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
"
167153,"I asked Rick Astley to lend me some Pixar movies...... He said you can take Cars, you can take Toy Story but I'm never gonna give you Up.
"
220277,"My son asked me on father's day why there was no son day I told him it's every sunday
"
28529,"You know how I can prove Jesus wasn't black? Because the body of Christ was a cracker!
"
36989,"what happens if you cross breed spiderman and Catwoman? I don't know..can you guys tell me?
"
127559,"Two seats open. One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in. The other by a wall outlet. She'll find love in another man.
"
15107,"In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
"
120907,"If Mississippi lost her New Jersey what would Delaware? Idaho, Alaska
"
228327,"What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.
"
144894,"what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
"
123982,"Flowjob When a woman won't have sex because she's on her period, so she offers you a flowjob.
"
108696,"Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13 1979?
"
82635,"I thought I had a fantastic cheese joke... But it wasn't very Gouda.
"
229638,"Women who seek to be equal to men...LACK AMBITION!
"
136858,"Whoever named it 'rain' is an idiot. I definitley wouldve called it 'sky water.'
"
100674,"For some reason all of my friends are calling me racist I just can't seem to get through to them that racism is a crime, and crime is for black people
"
55205,"What kind of medicine do bears take? Bayer Asprin
"
110236,"is it crazy how saying sentences backwards . . . . . .create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
"
100338,"When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, """"O MG!""""
"
213074,"SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU'LL THANK ME LATER
"
171868,"Did you hear that einstein made a theory about space It's about time too
"
28628,"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
"
46376,"I call my dick hard times.. Cuz birches always be falling on it
"
23859,"Knock, Knock - Who's There? - Ach... Ach who - Bless you!
"
180007,"What do you call a brown woman with a yeast infection? Beef Wellington
"
104492,"Why is it called Armageddon? Because everyone will be *ermahgerd*'n
"
33048,"I respect whoever allowed women into the military. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable.
"
205566,"Two bros are sitting on a fence. A cute girl walks by who just moved into their apartment building. **Bro 1:** """"Bro, im gonna hit that."""" **Bro 2:** """"Like a stormtrooper bro."""" **Bro 1:** """"Bro.""""
"
192621,"I could care less about you but I'm still going to go through your entire wedding & 1st born childs photo album on Facebook. I hate myself
"
142610,"TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport... The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking """"Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"""" I replied """"No, only guns.""""
"
150807,"I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean,I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.
"
75035,"You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
"
113335,"What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? """"Bison""""
"
207753,"Donald Trump is sponsoring a new breakfast side dish. Dic-tater tots.
"
29989,"Excuse me, miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there.
"
229284,"(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die) TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
"
45773,"If your dog has weird unsightly nipples, it's OK to throw 3 or 4 little bras on it.
"
44079,"I want a coffee so rich and bold it has a cabin in the woods where it hunts humans for sport.
"
185973,"Q: What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? A: Shore.
"
99171,"How many dwarves does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two; one to hold the bulb and the other to serve him beer until the room starts spinning.
"
135765,"Can officially confirm that the way to a man's heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.
"
129360,"hanging out at the pet store, teaching all the birds cuss words
"
107064,"Excuse me girlfriend for I have burped. It has been 3 weeks since my last apology
"
26590,"Do you guys know the story of Flip Flap the Giraffe? It's a giraffe, walking in the savannah. All of a sudden, an helicopter comes by and..... flip flap the giraffe!
"
59747,"What do you call a rich male redhead? A Gingerbread Man. I'll just close the door behind me...
"
220093,"Me: Weaknesses? Oh, I'd say not relating well to other sentient beings. -I meant about the janitor job. Me: Oh ya, I don't know how to sweep
"
177117,"I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
"
140041,"Q: """"What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?"""" A: """"The C"""" COMMENT A JOKE BELOW!
"
8539,"My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes... ...I told him to lighten up.
"
121085,"""""I don't like the taste of water."""" - first world problem
"
74008,"""""I only cheated on you with girls"""" is the most beautiful thing a woman has ever said to me.
"
67693,"What kind of joke did the forgetful Redditor make?
"
116299,"What's the best part about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag's a plus.
"
226869,"A Brazilian got the first gold medal The police are already after him.
"
189127,"Two quantum mechanics professors had sex They must have had physical chemistry.
"
146894,"My friend is anti-semantic... He never writes anymore edit: (semantic refers to words for those who don't get it.)
"
62162,"I just ended a 5 year relationship I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship :P
"
117760,"Today at the grocery store, they only had one piece of cheese . . . . . . it was provolone.
"
158527,"Polls show that 80% of black males enjoy sex in the shower The other 20% had not gone to prison yet
"
168449,"What's the difference between Mike Tyson and the iPhone 4s? There are no *unboxing* videos of Mike Tyson.
"
128090,"Why did the manic depressive cross the freeway? To get to the *other side*
"
192893,"What do you call a thieving duck? A robber duck....
"
93828,"I still keep my old Blackberry on me in case I get mugged and the person's like """"HAND ME YOUR PHONE!""""
"
139224,"What is a dog's favourite sport ? Formula 1 drooling !
"
114407,"I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I'm drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
"
45985,"What starts with p and ends in orn Popcorn
"
60872,"Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don't enjoy life.
"
91092,"Why don't white supremacist drink the water in Central America? Because it's Nicaragua
"
77897,"What's the funniest part of a boxing joke? You'd think it'd be the punchline, but apparently it's funnier when the person feints...
"
37924,"A Spanish, Greek and Portuguese man go to a bar. Who pays for the drinks? The German!
"
127184,"Tell your female friends that they can get 100 tampons for a dollar... No strings attached. For a limited period only.
"
34145,"A morning-after pill but for when you accidentally hear a Maroon 5 song
"
222581,"Your mama so fat.... She uses a paint roller to apply lipstick.
"
26689,"The word condominium has the word condom in it. hehe ;)
"
57150,"Have you heard? McDonalds is partnering with Nintendo and Niantic! Prepare for trouble And make it a McDouble
"
39113,"What do you call the entrance you come through from hell to get into heaven? The Glory Hole
"
40325,"Did you know that Polish aircraft do not have seats on the right side of airplane? Because poles in the right hand plane are unstable.
"
89616,"Why is Jesus so sexually frustrated? he is not coming till judgement day. so sorry am i going to hell for this?
"
57973,"How much money does a gay pornstar earn? A buttload
"
57757,"What idiot decided it should be my foot's asleep instead of coma toes?
"
213659,"None of the women liked Richard William Soft He's Dick Willy Soft
"
208243,"Did you here Whitey Bulger was put in solitary confinement because he was caught masterbating in his cell? It was a sticky situation.
"
143935,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Caitlin ! Caitlin who ? Caitlin you my trainers tonight I'm wearing them !
"
151688,"Who comes in the fog? Seamen.
"
16887,"What do you call a tall buffalo? Buffahigh
"
180224,"How did the Hulk's mind blow? Somebody threw a bone very far and Hulk yelled """"HULK GET IT! HEY WAIT.""""
"
46247,"I was dating a radiologist... but it didn't work out: she could see right though me.
"
185380,"Did you hear about the Hipster that drowned in the canal? It wasn't mainstream.
"
29774,"What do you get when you divide the circumference of a Jack o' Lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi
"
114636,"Keep the tip Said the leper to the prostitute
"
171925,"[interrogation] """"What do you do for a living?"""" """"Kidnapper."""" """"Louder for the tape?"""" [leans in] """"I'm a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.""""
"
82386,"If the next president is white.... That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.
"
176331,"How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.
"
181107,"What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of weed? You would be stoned to death.
"
100317,"Where did George Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies.
"
24258,"Knock Knock St. Patricks Day edition. Knock knock. Who's there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you would open the door I'm freezing out here!
"
71138,"Why kind of motorcycles do cows ride? Mooooootorcycles!
"
43003,"Me: how much is all the money in the world? Genie: not sure exactly Me: give me a ballpark figure POOOF *I'm now the size of Shea Stadium
"
125998,"Whenever there's an awkward silence, try whispering, """"Did you forget your line?""""
"
113979,"What do you call a homeless horse with a Borderline Personality Disorder ? Unstable.
"
1213,"All women are crazy but if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
"
81165,"How many homeless people does it take to screw a light bulb? does anyone know of any good jokes about homeless people.?
"
166967,"My Dad just called to give me the """"I'm worried about your drinking"""" talk. We are going to meet-up and discuss it over a few beers.
"
230384,"I kid you not. -Condom wearers
"
103251,"This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don't look like oxygen at all.
"
207116,"Role-Playing I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to experiment with a role playing rape fantasy. She said, """"No!"""" I replied, """"That's the spirit!""""
"
78889,"That moment when you realize you can't ignore someones message on Facebook anymore because it shows that you've read it.
"
111494,"I wasn't able to apply for a job in the Endoscopy unit... ... it was internal application only.
"
136036,"On the demolition teams last job... They did a bang up job
"
168980,"While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they'd do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
"
193197,"What did 0 say to 8 ? Nice belt!
"
230317,"Why don't Black people like to go on cruises? ... Because they're not falling for that one again.
"
180948,"5 DAYS AGO I was bit by a spider, and STILL, no super-powers. Comics lie.
"
150396,"What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaahh
"
215640,"I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate Let me know if you can come or not
"
118000,"This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
"
169695,"How did Paul McCartney get Linda pregnant? C Moon
"
50927,"Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages? Because there were too many knights.
"
191791,"My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed... I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.
"
153886,"If I moved to Britain right now, I could retire a wealthy man. My bank account has approximately 6,723 dollars in it, which would convert to like infinite British pounds.
"
198260,"How do you find a blonde on reddit? Look for the comments that just say """"huh?""""
"
56454,"What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
"
157753,"Found an old playboy from the 70's last night, I wonder why they didn't call it hair club for men...
"
37660,"Bi-Polar Bears usually attack without warning, then sob for hours while eating leftover walrus.
"
139461,"Beards eventually grow on you. Title
"
150969,"Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
"
15072,"I would show you a Liszt of all the music jokes I know... But to be Franck, I don't think you could Handel them!
"
223665,"A bar walks into a bar Haha I have no idea where I was going with this please don't be mean I thought it was going to be funny.
"
183792,"[cuddling] her: what are you thinking about? me: these pretzels are making me thirsty
"
222669,"A great way to relieve stress from work & family is to go for a run. Don't stop running til ur in a new town w/ a new life. You're free now.
"
225057,"The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls
"
74139,"A sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says, """"You gotta leave. We don't serve food here.""""
"
60537,"What do you call two midgets giving each other oral sex? 34.5ing
"
36276,"The sad porno What did the man say after he saw a sad porno? -That one was a real tear jerker.
"
129328,"Sailors really want to be cool. But they're just naut.
"
3231,"I'd make a political joke... But it's too soon, the DNC tried to force one on all of us and we saw how that went.
"
66407,"Willie Nelson's public statement regarding being caught with a bag of marijuana recently: """"It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana. If it had been a bag of spinach, I'd be dead by now.""""
"
70292,"Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. 
"
33561,"Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me. She blamed it on pregnancy brain. I asked her if she was having triplets.
"
63272,"I'm all set for Friday night: got my mac 'n cheese dinner, 40 oz., 'Steel Magnolias' DVD, Twitter friends and tears.
"
177034,"I'm well known for my twice-baked potatoes. I can't get anything right the firstr time
"
172989,"What comes in little cans? Red Bull and Priests.
"
121781,"Deja Poo The overwhelming feeling of """"I think I have heard this bullshit before.""""
"
133199,"Chubby Kid Dances watch this kid dance to a coo song Lol sooo funny
"
230793,"Humour is what separates us from the animals. And the feminists.
"
78364,"What do you call two black dudes on a motorcycle? An Africa Twin.
"
216036,"Cupcakes are for people who don't have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake! Losers.
"
63012,"My boss hates it when I shorten his name to """"Dick"""". Especially since his name is Steve.
"
149414,"Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? I don't understand your terms and you keep telling me you have no interest.
"
12678,"What did Jaws call his solo banking firm? Loan shark.
"
187261,"What's the technical name for the mental disorder where someone habitually gropes others? Cop-a-Feelia
"
2781,"What's God's favorite guitar chord? G sus
"
49318,"I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night...he hypnotized 7 guys...then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled*F@CK ME*...what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life...
"
45380,"Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
"
158017,"What language do the Vatican Police speak? Pig Latin!
"
227892,"How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows. Except me.
"
211701,"I just met an Irishman of Chilean descent. His name was Con Kearney.
"
53003,"Ha Long is many Dongs
"
45055,"3 logicians walk into a bar the bartender says """"do you all want beer?"""" the first logician says """"I'm not sure"""" the second logician says """"I'm not sure"""" the third logician says """"Jul 16""""
"
209582,"Where do Knights get their armour? The hardware store. One I came up with when I was about 10.
"
183557,"What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee? A sheep.
"
122526,"Me: goodnight moon Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
"
154385,"Hello 911? """"What's your emergency?"""" You work in a building? """"Yes"""" Inside? """"Yes WHAT'S YOUR EM-"""" So you're saying 911's an inside job?!
"
221473,"Can't wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
"
103713,"""""Its odd how the Church just lets pedophile's grant forgiveness"""" Anyway...thats why I'm not allowed in Confession anymore.
"
208293,"Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.
"
180873,"What rating did Moody's give to the sheep? BAAA
"
61093,"We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the  _()_/  emoji
"
30912,"Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
"
39085,"Press 1 for English. Press 2 for Spanish. Press 3 for Spanglish with Adam Sandler. Press 4 for Gibberish with Flava Fav. Press # for ham.
"
190875,"If we both go for the last slice of apple pie at the same time, I will bury my fork in your throat.
"
81941,"Whoever named it a """"mobile"""" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.
"
50400,"[First day working in a warehouse] ME: What's that machine for? """"Oh, that's the forklift"""" ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
"
629,"There's a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight, so remember that when they ask how they lost in 2016.
"
42350,"How to fall down the stairs Step One: Step Six: Step Seven: Step Ten: Step Fifteen:
"
151357,"Guys, they lied to us. Peach was never in any real danger and Mario and Bowser are buddies. I saw all of them hanging out and go-karting.
"
68873,"Why is Alabama the worlds biggest sandwich? Because the whole state is inbred
"
186171,"Why do so many Latinos drive Hondas? Because they're reliable, quality made cars.
"
138586,"What do you call a preacher with an erection? A firm believer
"
185761,"Just remember Mom, you can't spell """"disappointment"""" without """"appointment"""" which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
"
55380,"Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies. Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.
"
17485,"Guy Fieri's parents were two lyrics websites
"
121488,"Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are. - Me, to myself, when I'm fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.
"
9444,"A guy asks his girlfriend make him feel awesome and sad at the same time Girlfriend: Out of all your friends you have the biggest penis
"
17768,"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
"
123032,"How many things do you need to change a lightbulb? 3, a person, a ladder, and another lightbulb
"
144771,"Me and my wife are like Catdog... Inseparable since birth.
"
183654,"A horse walks into a French bar... ...and the barman says, """"I'm afraid you will have to leave, Monsieur Horse. We do not serve food in here.""""
"
14160,"Ok people, I think the big take away from 2016 is that it's really bad luck to start the year by shooting a gorilla
"
41543,"What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.
"
4449,"My friend got a summer job in a mirror factory He said its a job he can see himself doing.
"
27863,"A priest, rapist, and a child molestor walk into a bar Then he ordered a drink.
"
65234,"Celebrating Good Friday by honoring Jesus aka doing the same thing he did today and hanging with my Bros.
"
206698,"*romantically climbs into your balcony to ask for your wifi password*
"
229188,"When is a testicular tumor like a bingo ball? when it's B-9
"
188646,"Interviewer:Do you have time for a question? A: Yes...but...do...you...have...time...for...my...answer?
"
204084,"How many mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just Juan.
"
93557,"There are 10 types of people in the world... Those who pee in the shower, those who don't, and those who didn't realize this joke was in trinary.
"
921,"Why did everyone bring a quiche to Sean Connery's party? It was leave your keys at the door.
"
85517,"People think I'm weird because I swallowed an abacus They're forgetting it's what's on the inside that counts.
"
33202,"The best way to get over someone is probably with your vehicle
"
150122,"Why can't British people go to North Korea? Nobody at the ticket counter knows what """"north career"""" means
"
31021,"I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger
"
143477,"Did you hear they found bones on the dark side of the moon? The cow never made it.
"
140340,"What do you call it when a dj gets a blowjob while he's on the air? Radiohead.
"
199477,"What's the difference between a regular horse and a police horse? A police horse has an extra asshole on top.
"
137488,"What's dark, empty and going no where fast? Your love life.
"
192100,"I think we should find time today to send a friend request to Myspace Tom on Facebook; he was there for us when we didn't have any friends.
"
8711,"How do you guarantee that your wishes always come true? Wish for something that is already true.
"
154593,"It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I'm trying to do that & you're lowering my chances.
"
59562,"Damn girl, are you the wife of a convict serving a long term in a federal penitentiary? Because you left before I even finished my sentence
"
107641,"The worst part about blind dates is trying to find a restaurant with menus in braille.
"
36313,"The first woman on the moon. """"Houston we have a problem."""" What? """"nevermind"""" What's the problem?? """"nothing"""" Please tell us!? """"You know what the problem is.""""
"
89070,"""""I'm wet and have crabs."""" That's what sea said.
"
206842,"What animals talk on the telephone the most?  The yakety-yaks!
"
86510,"Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism? Me: I've been.. Doc: ... Me: ... Doc: ... Me: ... Doc: ... Me: Coffin. Doc: get out
"
136487,"why do women not need to wear watches? there's a clock on the stove
"
181680,"What do you call a Polish airplane? A Jet-ski.
"
231394,"After sex last night... ...my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, """"You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had"""". Apparently """"Ditto"""" is not the right response.
"
216273,"You hear about the gay guy who has a job in construction? He works in a manhole.
"
80248,"Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it was mugged.
"
155626,"According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I've only had an apple for lunch but I can't throw my chair at him
"
178612,"Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
"
107859,"Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave  with your friends.
"
194403,"My First Original - A female patient visits her Gyno and says """"I've got something stuck in my vagina!!!"""" the Gynecologist says """"I'll look into it""""
"
8522,"What do gay Asian men do in the bedroom? They Bangkok
"
80431,"Really funny joke What's Charlie Sheens middle name? Washingma Charlie Washingma Sheen
"
133127,"Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don't want to touch it any more than you do.
"
113455,"I would like a warm hound please """"Excuse me?"""" A flaming puppy """"..."""" Fire canine """"Do you want a hot dog, ma'am?"""" Yes. A scorching pooch
"
91369,"Why can't guys do the splits? The banana gets in the way. Banana split
"
175896,"I wish I was black I'll never be the first anything now.
"
87164,"Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil.
"
71955,"I'm only tweeting this to keep myself from looking up from my phone and accidentally making eye contact with a stranger.
"
92891,"You know who'd make a good hobbit? Elijah would.
"
116459,"The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.
"
10299,"How do you make an archaeologist blush? [repost for spelling] You hand him a dirty tampon and ask him what period it's from!
"
229388,"What's the difference between your Pacman high score and your child? I haven't beaten your high score.
"
167649,"TIL that the radiation of the sun has caused the American Flag on the moon to be completely white So now it looks like France visited first
"
71810,"Kisses make my day... But anal makes me hole weak.
"
80824,"I missed a call from a girl last night... I missed a call from a girl last night. I called her back, she said she must've butt dialed me. I said, """"Maybe your butt knows what it wants.""""
"
136773,"What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? Hide and Go Seek Champion, 1973.
"
186636,"What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets.
"
11602,"Two guys walk into a bar... """"Ouch!""""
"
66765,"[my cell phone rings] ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening
"
220571,"Heard a newsreader relaying the news that Richie Benaud had died and I thought to myself """"What a fine delivery that was""""
"
57115,"I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.
"
69709,"Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink
"
208771,"What's the difference between your wife and your work? After 5 years, your work still sucks.
"
204425,"""""Will I ever be able to race my horse again"""" the  owner asked the vet. The vet replied """"You certainly will and you'll probably beat her too!""""
"
30174,"I entered 10 puns into a contest last week. Do you know how many won? No pun in ten did.
"
136880,"INTERVIEWER: under skills you've listed """"gets jokes"""" ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
"
149447,"What does a dog do, that a man steps into. Pants.
"
151482,"The hard life of a dick... ...his hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next-door neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
"
180221,"Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.
"
32168,"my mom should have been on one of the planes that crashed on 911 ... I think -Anthony Jeselnik
"
4517,"the closest I've ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
"
71956,"Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally
"
63868,"Why do indegionous people dislike snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
"
2064,"Why do people dislike the new iPhone 7 so much? It can't do jack shit.
"
112195,"People keep making apocalypse jokes... Like there's no tomorrow
"
160451,"Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
"
154306,"Not only do I refuse to take the stairs up to my office, when I'm in the elevator I wish there was a chair in it.
"
98314,"Ugh, I accidentally spoiled the new Spider-Man movie for myself by seeing """"Spider-Man"""" 10 years ago.
"
9414,"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
"
90782,"What happens when Superman sees Superwoman? He becomes the Man of Steel
"
231638,"Perfect pitch is... ...when you throw an accordion into a dumpster and it hits a banjo.
"
128897,"If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it's a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.
"
228053,"My son looks just like me. With his eyes. xpost to /r/dadjokes
"
152829,"I am NOT just 'a piece of meat' you know. I'm a ribeye steak... a bit fatty, but still quite tasty. Ok, I lied. I'm pork butt.
"
76442,"A baby seal walked into a club... =)
"
167487,"Why did the pig join a muscle-building class?  He thought """"pumping iron"""" was a new juice dispenser.
"
25006,"All in favor of imitating Spanish women say """"Aye-yi-yi.""""
"
26525,"Circles. I don't see the point in them.
"
4014,"make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
"
100418,"My new Girlfriend told me """"A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship"""" I still wish she didn't have one.
"
204693,"The True Power of the Spacebar Light a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Light a man afire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
"
141720,"""""WHAT DO WE WANT?!"""" """"SELF-CONFIDENCE!"""" """"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!"""" *everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
"
82879,"A Freudian Slip is... when you say one thing but mean your mother.
"
5030,"but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
"
134221,"A club sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, """"I'm sorry, we don'tserve food here.""""
"
70109,"How does a blonde turn a light on after sex? She opens the car door.
"
227514,"Punctuation is important... A missed period should always raise alarm.
"
60209,"What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-Na-Na-Na
"
162494,"How do you get a person with podophobia to leave? Just say """"shoe"""".
"
189042,"What do you call a waffle that burps too much? A belchin waffle.
"
81112,"I'm a grammar nazi. I'm also a regular nazi, but that's a different story.
"
67323,"what do you call a whale that mates constantly? your girlfreind
"
81454,"What do You Call Someone Who Self Harms In The Antarctica? An eskemo.....
"
56734,"What's the difference between a gay man and a Christian man? One fucks an asshole, the other is a fuckin' asshole.
"
122602,"My girlfriend said she needs some time and distance. Is she calculating velocity?
"
168214,"I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket """"Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this thing?""""
"
97845,"My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
"
177734,"My neighbor seriously just asked me, """"Does Canada have 4th of July?"""" I said """"No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh? I need to move.
"
152616,"[meeting] DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI PRODUCER: Yes! D: A huge cast P: Agreed! D: Realistic family photos P: We don't have the budget
"
151686,"dad u make dolphin noises mom u make pinacolada noises grandma u put on this sailboat costume. I told this girl on skype im 16/surfer/hawaii
"
83521,"I hit the gym today... Now the gym's filing for divorce and I'm loosing custody of my children
"
225234,"Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow? Me: Sure. Can't wait to see you. Him: I land at 5 AM. Me: I have no brother.
"
22490,"Uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh huh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh huh Me, Rap battling
"
151689,"A grandpa tells his grandson """"Your generation depends too much on technology."""" The grandson unplugs his grandpa's life support.
"
178578,"[ during job interview ] - """"Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?"""" - """"I give up, why?""""
"
208077,"I'm only drinking two beers. Because I have self control and two beers
"
74225,"What kind of dog is the smartest? A great brain!
"
30826,"How many /r/Jokes users does it take to make a Joke? WRONG! They don't make it, they steal it...
"
9756,"ufo crew: why are we hovering? ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs ufo crew: why not land? ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
"
107342,"""""As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is... Linda, where is everyone?"""" """"They all called to say they're running late""""
"
199962,"""""Wetalian!"""" -Multiple Italians
"
222946,"1+1=3 If you don't wear a condom.
"
79962,"The victim's body was found in the kitchen surrounded by eight empty boxes of cornflakes. Police suspect it was the work of a serial killer.
"
184407,"You Can Tune a Piano but You Can't Tuna Fish
"
189390,"[Joke Request] A great mother's day joke I can write on a card, give to my mom, and take credit for Example: What did the mama buffalo say to her son when he left for college? """"Bison""""
"
84922,"It sucks how if you say hi to someone once, you're now committed to saying hi to them the rest of your entire life.
"
190412,"Why do people post missing person posts on Facebook? Like we're going outside...
"
50455,"Why did the Jews wander in the wilderness for 40 years? Someone dropped a penny.
"
210002,"What's up? the ceiling
"
30253,"What do you get when you mix red and yellow? Trump
"
1992,"Shoplifting or rape If you have sex with a prostitue and pay with a cheque that bounces is it shoplifting or rape?
"
59066,"what did 0 say to the 8? nice belt
"
129434,"Why can you never trust a clumsy barista? Because she's always spilling the beans!
"
203560,"My humor is so black... ...That all my jokes are stolen
"
230248,"How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, but it's at least 6, because my basement is still dark!!
"
229526,"*puts on sexy underwear and high heels* *grabs whip* *flicks whip* *searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
"
1319,"A Jewish girl.. ..asks her father, """"Dad? Can I have 50 dollars?"""" he says, """"40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?""""
"
195722,"Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I'm returning it.
"
192496,"Auto-correct is the new... Is Auto-correct the new Freudian dick? Or Is Anal-correct the new Freudian slip?
"
150538,"What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'm gonna give these two a lift.
"
196272,"*watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk *waits for you to finish *sets fan to """"oscillate""""
"
39416,"I tried eharmony. They kept matching me up with women who look like me in a wig. I'd be too intimidated to date someone that attractive.
"
38681,"A young lady walks into a bar... She was protected by a rubber Bump*her*
"
56564,"How are farts and Ancient Egypt similar? They both have a Tutankhamun.
"
177072,"What do you do if you're smoking weed in the walmart parking lot and you see a spaceman Park in it bruh
"
110805,"Parallel lines have so much in common... It's a shame they'll never meet.
"
191209,"If threesome is sex with three people...... .....and a twosome sex with two people, I guess I know why I'm always called handsome. (Btw, is this a repost? I hope to god not.)
"
213610,"I told my boyfriend to """"Stop paying games with my card"""" He said shut up!, i hate Backstreet boys.
"
143071,"I have two tear drop tattoos (one for each time I waved at a person who was waving to someone behind me)
"
145448,"What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts.
"
86288,"Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only suffered super fish oil injuries, but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!
"
172914,"Me:what did daddy say when he broke his phone? 7y:can I repeat swear words? Me: no 7y: he said nothing then
"
85700,"My son walks in on me masturbating. He asks me what am i doing. I say, don't worry son you will be doing it soon. Why dad? he asks. Because my arm is getting tired.
"
173626,"Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat? One mucks around in fountains.
"
108318,"Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.
"
92903,"Did you hear about the Pigeon rebellion? Yeah, it was a """"coo"""" d'etat.
"
64717,"The new French tanks have 14 gears 13 go in reverse and 1 goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.
"
173791,"What do Monica Lewinsky and the New York Giants have in common? They were both terrorized by Clinton Dix, Ha Ha.
"
202123,"I'm not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
"
10719,"My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
"
68265,"Is Kevin Bacon popular on Reddit? """"Yes"""" :p Or also """"Yes she is"""" (yes cheese) Just made it up, I can't stop laughing, thought I'd share...
"
159595,"My wife got a restraining order against me. I love it when she plays hard to get.
"
38944,"I don't like my financial adviser. He put the """"douche"""" in Fiduciary
"
88968,"What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? 30 pounds. (and then the female come-back): What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes!
"
21831,"Recent studies link bacon to cancer. """"Ya, don't eat bacon, you'll get so much cancer"""", said one pink scientist.
"
124521,"I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.
"
70414,"I don't think I will ever find a stable job... Because quite honestly I'm very uncomfortable around horses
"
60409,"Why did the mountain have trouble in class? Because there was a steep learning curve.
"
184244,"Why Are Mexican &amp; Black Jokes Overdone? Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal!...I'm sorry, you can hate me if you wish. ;(
"
211563,"What's the difference between wife and a blue whale? About 10 pounds.
"
186542,"[Fitbit commercial with me] BEFORE: lazy guy AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
"
103804,"When is it okay for monks to use e-mail? When there are no attachments
"
134016,"What is green and sings? Elvis Parsley
"
13744,"got my blood test results back today, and it's just as i feared. my body is filled with a ton of blood.
"
37029,"Have you ever been on the Nile River? I heard it does on for miles and niles and niles... If you don't believe me, you may be in denial.
"
162984,"I heard Justin Bieber has an 8 inch cock But it's in his ass and belongs to Usher
"
127513,"Ever hear the joke about the insecure comedian? ...it's okay, you probably wouldn't have liked it, anyway.
"
81817,"Vectors Joke When (i) think of crossing with (u) I get my own normal vector, if you know what I mean. ;)
"
149419,"What did one leg say to the other? Shorty's growin a beard.
"
155976,"Cats don't come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can't put them in the washing machine.
"
29818,"Why are Jewish men circumcised? Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off.
"
46331,"My wife told me to give her 12"""" and make her scream... So I did her 3 times in the poop chute and wiped my junk on the curtain. (can't remember where I stole this from)
"
96009,"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? World War II.
"
60562,"DATE: so what kind of writing do you do? ME: um, cursive, regular... DATE: no I mean- ME: actually I can't do cursive :/
"
126057,"The orgy I hosted last night was a real letdown. Nobody came.
"
11379,"Yo mammas so fat When she fell in the grand canyon she got stuck in between
"
129347,"ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool...
"
192247,"GUESS WHAT Knock knock who dere not robin williams
"
111004,"What do you call the High Sparrow who is caught molesting kids? The Deviated Septon.
"
112237,"Catch Pokemon? No thanks. I'm STD- Free.
"
207741,"My trainer told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective. I hit her with a Thunderbolt and locked her in her own Pokeball.
"
118670,"It would be terrifying if Elizabeth I were alive today... ... Because she's dead. Note: Credit goes to my dryly-sarcastic history professor.
"
192948,"It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine
"
22671,"What is the definition of trust? Two cannibals going down on one another
"
221920,"""""You're an alcoholic."""" I prefer the term 'bar-barian'
"
76246,"Why does a mother carry her baby? The baby can't carry the mother.
"
189622,"What idiot called them acquaintances instead of bud lights
"
82504,"I just join reddit and suddenly discover that my name is on the front page! Final Final Edit: Titty sprinkles
"
208351,"The french word for """"unfortunately"""" has 15 letters The english word for unfortunately has 13, but it's two short EDIT: For the curious, the french word is """"malheureusement""""
"
191343,"What's the difference between a walrus and a vagina? One has thick whiskers and smells like fish. The others a WALRUS.
"
200123,"What comes after 69? A funeral
"
16330,"overheard some guy say """"finals week sucks."""" little does he know, everything sucks
"
108722,"What did the mama pig say to her bad little piglet? """"Behave or Frankenswine will get you.""""
"
158203,"What is the biggest ant in the world ? An elephant !
"
116982,"I wish I could illegally download better health care insurance.
"
194089,"ME: What an emotional roller coaster ROLLER COASTER: [calling out to me as I exit the park] Why are you leaving??!! Is it something I said?
"
129591,"Why couldn't the octopus stop laughing? Because it had ten tickles
"
176217,"I said to my GF """"Please get me a newspaper."""" """"Don't be silly,"""" she replied """"you can borrow my iPad."""" That spider never knew what hit it!
"
92899,"What would we get if we'd cross one nigger and octopus? I have no idea, but it picks cotton like crazy.
"
151493,"I am sure I chose the right song for Richard's funeral Lonely Island - Dick in a Box
"
34896,"What do you name a tricky pig? Cunningham
"
174834,"Jesus walks into a boarding house.... Jesus walks into a boarding house. He puts three nails down on the counter and asks """"Can you put me up for the night?""""
"
111122,"It's hard to explain puns... It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
"
33708,"How do you know when it's NotTheOnion? When they're still running pieces on Hillary Clinton.
"
55979,"A lady came to my door the other day, asking for donations to my local sperm bank.. I gave her a right mouthful.
"
83640,"What is a caterpillar's biggest fear? A dogerpillar.
"
76986,"Went to a shrink today. She said I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the  rest from the other b*tch!
"
106627,"I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it's the ones we love that hurt us the most.
"
108058,"There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened the walking sticks for the blind.
"
132954,"leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
"
35212,"Twiter helps me keep my finger on the pulse of what today's youth is jazzing & vibing to. #hip #relevant
"
215028,"I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with  me? It might help.
"
12281,"A Man has a strange disorder. Whenever he gets worked up, he sweats coffee. He really can pore the coffee.
"
161418,"What do you call shy bladder incidents? Frozen pees
"
132509,"Hey, I feel like almost everyone here has forgotten something... The Game.
"
11646,"HELP! I just sent my girlfriend a dick pic... and she just sent me one back.
"
38149,"I like my women like I like my coffee, tied up in burlap and thrown over the back of a donkey.
"
64255,"What do music producers eat for breakfast? Fruity Loops
"
80011,"Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio? And the dashboard, and the windshield...
"
93517,"Never bang someone old enough to be your mom especially if you were adopted
"
131577,"I won 5th place in the swimming competition! There were only 5 of us.
"
31006,"WIFE: omg the FBI ME: thats just female body inspectors W: why are they here M: probably all those female bodies we buried W: o yah lol
"
70203,"In Russia I like my coffee the way I like my women...
"
65190,"Well, that escalated quickly! http://imgur.com/Sjrxt6L
"
209654,"One time I didn't masturbate for 11 years... and then I turned 12.
"
190602,"What do Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono? They both live off dead beetles
"
29711,"Q: What do you get if you cross the atlantic with the titanic? A: About halfway.
"
53976,"If you are charged with possession of marijuana Is it called joint custody?
"
51752,"What do you get if you deep fry Santa  Claus? Crisp Cringle.
"
11071,"BEYONCE: do u like my album JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i'll be ruined JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
"
136015,"""""I'm on the Reich track baby, I was born this race."""" -Nazi Gaga
"
174360,"Teen for rent: Knows everything, does nothing.
"
115287,"A Sadist and a Masochist are walking down the street. The Masochist says, """"Hit me."""" The Sadist says, """"No.""""
"
7384,"I was going to tell you a joke about a cow. But its udderly ridiculous
"
26414,"Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day* Her: You eat too much candy, you're going to make me a widow Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
"
3714,"What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person? The slow clap
"
133803,"Two dyslexics walk into a bra
"
43104,"Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween? Dog: Sure, put it on Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*
"
4730,"I asked my best friend if he was gay or not. I never got a straight answer.
"
205759,"*puts on mistletoe hat* *casually walks by you multiple times*
"
39716,"An insect just came into my living room and exploded. It was a Jihadi long legs
"
81142,"Hillary Clinton and the Email Hillary: """"At least I, unlike Lindsay Graham, USE email! &lt;drops mic&gt;
"
81652,"Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid's teacher's way, & all of his crafts projects will """"mysteriously"""" disappear after being graded.
"
21412,"What does a cat say when you tread on its tail? ME-OW! I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...
"
126980,"[x-post from r/dyslexia] Today I misread 63 as 68 so it took me twice as long to get home with the public transport Whoops, wrong bus
"
125157,"It was a sad day when I discovered... my new Universal Remote Control does not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
"
169803,"Men are like parking spots... The good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
"
100537,"Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I'll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
"
35254,"People keep saying drugs are dangerous, I abused lots of drugs and I'm fine. It's only the people watching me through power sockets that are annoying.
"
179630,"I used to work at an orange juice factory... ...I ended up getting fired because I couldn't concentrate.
"
218994,"I was given two t-shirts, a jacket and a sweater. They where shirty gifts.
"
136469,"A man waiting for a heart transplant... ... says """"I only want the heart of a dead lawyer."""" """"Why?"""" asks the doctor. """"I want one that's never been used.""""
"
122388,"HI MOM. YOU'RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
"
123130,"A man walks into a bar He shits in it ...Sorry
"
165110,"Some women are never satisfied. Last night i gave my girlfriend the biggest orgasm of her life. What did she do, spit it out.
"
99087,"*sees happy person* Can u stop that
"
166571,"Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants. Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
"
230510,"Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to """"skip ad"""". You don't need to ask anymore.
"
197454,"Hippy walks into a bar The barman says """"Sorry, we don't serve free spirits""""
"
36128,"I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready.
"
194693,"how do you know when you are in love? When she taps you on the ass and says """"Its in *Love*"""" **Taxi**
"
34909,"My wife is: 1) Am amazing mom and a great friend 2) Still the most beautiful girl I've ever been with 3) Now following me on Twitter
"
23336,"The best cure for male pattern baldness is a six-figure income.
"
36530,"Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you're too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
"
129537,"Did you hear about the dyslexic guy playing Bingo? When he filled in a row, he yelled, """"BOING!""""
"
104360,"5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
"
144013,"A girl to her friend... """"isn't that guy hot? I am gonna ask him out"""" """"he doesn't look good when he laugh"""" - said the other girl """"don't worry, he won't laugh anymore""""
"
159674,"*makes sure kids are asleep* *walks out to car* *slowly unwraps candy bar* *hears knock on window* *puts head down* *hands it to them*
"
163922,"Is Google a he or a she? A she, no doubt, because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas. (no offence to ladies)
"
43750,"Where do pigs park their cars? A porking lot.
"
38230,"When I was a kid, we didn't have the internet. We had to go to the library to masturbate.
"
24958,"What do you get if you put 20 blondes in a row standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
"
77486,"What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
"
27423,"What's a Frenchmen's favorite vacation? A retreat.
"
138938,"I once dated a midget... I was nuts over her
"
109729,"What's the difference between Catholics and Protestants? Protestants have sects.
"
78867,"My new year celebration is Masturbating Couple's are enjoying their new year eve, friends are watching movies and I'm here still doing masturbating. Fuck yeah
"
215716,"I thought my secret vasectomy would just keep my wife from getting pregnant, but sometimes...... ... it just changes the color of the baby.
"
112739,"I watched Lost In Space and loved it! It was a great documentary on Matt Damon.
"
46160,"My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is. Have kids, they said.
"
94871,"What do you call a crazy Mexican dog? Perronoid
"
130852,"I went to the the local library for a book, I asked the lady for a book on Psycho the Rapist, she said, i think its pronounced Psychotherapist.
"
193372,"Is that a booger in your nose? No, it's snot.
"
85853,"TIL Lewis Black is still alive.
"
169196,"My Granddad committed suicide. He drove off a cliff. Everyone was screaming and shouting at him telling him not to do it. Then again he was a bus driver.
"
216337,"Where do sperm go to die when you jack off? The sementary.
"
105390,"Why did the gynecologist giggle during the pap smear? I don't know. It was an inside joke.
"
94609,"Handicapped jokes are so cruel I can't stand them!!
"
108910,"What do you call a group of Vigilante Aussie Nuns? Birds of Pray
"
145226,"Women are like the Call of Duty games. If you play them for too long, you'll end up alone.
"
182291,"[NASA press conf] """"good news: we found a cat on Mars"""" REPORTER: & the bad news? """"[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it's sleeping""""
"
112141,"i need a hug(e amount of cash money)
"
177470,"A lady goes into the dry cleaners Lady: """"I was wondering if you could get this stain out of my blouse"""" The Clerk: """"Come again?"""" Lady: """"No, this time it's just yogurt""""
"
111813,"10 indications YOU'RE the retarded FB friend ^
"
107747,"Be sure to use the word """"irony"""" correctly. It means when something's, you know, just weird.
"
217473,"A Hurricane and a Divorce in Virginia I learned this joke from my chem teacher: What do a hurricane and a divorce in Virginia have in common? Screaming, crying, and somebody loses a trailer!
"
113403,"I've perfected an AI as a substitute to a girlfriend. Every time I try to turn it on I get the silent treatment and there are no output to tell me what's wrong.
"
62432,"These people are screaming like they've never seen pompoms on an axe before.
"
11330,"What's the darkest joke you know? No limits who can disgust me the most? Best part of fucking 21 year olds? Theres 20 of them
"
93644,"NSFW Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed? Hubby: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth. Wife: What trick? Hubby: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!
"
179012,"Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine? He's all right, now. In fact, he's fully recovered.
"
166784,"That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children's hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?
"
130226,"Which joke is better? How many tickles does it take to tickle an *inbred* octopus? Ten tickles. How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten tickles.
"
4074,"The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
"
227859,"I wish airplanes flapped their wings and shit on cars
"
82413,"Step 1: Walk without rhythm, Step 2: Ride the worm Step 3: Prophet
"
123144,"Jack and John A guy in a plane stood up and shouted """"Hijack!"""" Everyone panicked. From the other end of the plane a man stood up and shouted back """"Hi John!""""
"
96049,"What did Mark Antony say to Van Gogh? Lend me your ears
"
77598,"I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.
"
14925,"[very obviously being hit on] hahaha ok well, see you around [4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe] wait a second
"
95045,"The Michelin Man is the most racist mascot in corporate history, because TIRES ARE BLACK.
"
215431,"Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
"
67857,"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef, but it takes a special skill to pea soup.
"
66919,"I want to make a movie where RoboCop gets laid off due to budget cuts and has to work at a Waffle House.
"
140645,"I was standing at a urinal taking a leak when I realized standing to my left was Muhammad Ali and to my right was Michael J. Fox...bad day to wear sandals.
"
153325,"I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don't stand in them or walk in them.
"
93489,"If being successful was an amusement park, I'm the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.
"
125646,"Which medical specialty is dedicated to fingering your bum? Anusteaseology.
"
145011,"What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass
"
211300,"I lasted an hour and 15 seconds in sex yesterday. thanks you daylight savings
"
225570,"""""Echolocation, echolocation, echolocation!"""" -Dolphin realtor
"
135446,"What's the best cure to a bad hangover? A good personality
"
172364,"2020 Olympic high jump results Gold - Mexico Silver - Mexico Bronze - Mexico
"
1976,"What is CC Sabathia's favorite inning to pitch in baseball? The bottom of the fifth
"
96648,"Did you hear about the Mexican train robber? Apparently he had Loco motives.
"
107836,"Reddit is really a green community. considering all the recycled content on here. [](http://ftgtvgbyhnjkmjnhbgvfgbybhjnkmnhbg.com)
"
170861,"Finland's borders Are Finland's borders called the finnish lines?
"
93195,"Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator? A. Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!
"
147740,"Down with the metric system no more foreign rulers!
"
83053,"I fucked a fat woman in an elevator.. It was wrong on so many levels
"
108417,"Who was the best prostitute in history? Ms.Packman, for 25 cents she'd swallow balls til she died.
"
91514,"What do you call a hip-hop trio with boosted Attack but hindered Special Attack? Naughty by Nature
"
216029,"Oman and Yemen should switch names because if you find out you're gonna live in Oman, you go """"yeah man!!"""" but if you find out you're gonna live in Yemen, you go """"oh man..."""" Im so sorry
"
42055,"And I'll have the KKK omelet All whites.
"
6832,"Johnny Depp is to Tim Burton what Tyler Perry is to Tyler Perry.
"
9932,"What has long ears hops and likes websurfing? The e-aster bunny.
"
52882,"""""GIVE IT TO ME"""" she yelled """"Oh my God I'm so wet!!"""" She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella
"
141643,"What's the clinical name for Viagra? Mycoxafloppin.
"
165856,"What was the Seagull's favorite online streaming service? Netfocks
"
122105,"I'm calling Facebook """"Mom"""" now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins' birthdays.
"
140139,"Are you a haunted house? Because every time I come inside you I shit myself.
"
227489,"And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
"
37897,"Straight guys on twitter, If you haven't been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what's wrong with you.
"
137732,"The Edge falling off stage at that U2 concert... it's comedy on at least two levels.
"
203123,"Dinner When my wife asks me """"What do you want to have for dinner"""" I never guess right.
"
230999,"Never tell a psycho that they're psycho, because then they feel like they're obligated to prove it.
"
70317,"What does an Asian prostitute say to asbestos workers? Meso horny.
"
24902,"""""I just want a guy that makes me laugh"""" *makes her laugh* """"Not you.""""
"
95126,"""""I'm frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat"""" is what I said. """"You're also gonna be helping me move my piano"""" is what I meant.
"
114242,"How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
"
115279,"The impossibility of accepting the offer of a quick drink without first pretending to check your watch
"
209895,"Schrodinger's Cat Walks Into A Bar and Does Not...
"
201044,"Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time-consuming.
"
214214,"What is my ex girlfriend's favorite hands on day in math class? Manipulatives. god i'm so lonely
"
169337,"Ever hear of the Infinite Monkey Theorem? It goes something like if an infinite number of Redditors typed away on keyboards, one of them will eventually type a complete day of work.
"
151715,"What did the the Jamaican daddy spice say to his son when he was being bad? Your a cinnamon
"
148661,"Bought some shoes from my drug dealer. idk what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
"
52284,"If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a racist... ... a black man might rob me.
"
179963,"What's the difference between a soldier and a sailor? Ever tried dipping a sailor in a boiled egg?
"
160961,"Whats your best """"This is so bad that ____"""" joke? For example, """"this is so bad TBS just picked it up for 6 episodes.""""
"
298,"What is the favorite food joint of dubstep makers? Sub-WUB-WUB-WUB-way
"
51562,"How do you keep water warn in the winter? Have it wear an aqua-fur.
"
191447,"What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.
"
164115,"TEACHER: Jackie take 932 from 1439. What is  the difference? Stella: That's what I say what's the difference`?
"
73499,"I'm going to make a calendar of sexy Islamic extremists I will call it, Ji-hotties
"
211092,"What do you get for the man who has everything? Condoms.
"
230265,"Waiter there is a maggot in my soup ! Don't worry sir he won't last long in there !
"
52655,"What is another way of 'saying caught between a rock and a hard place'? Having a threesome with Dwayne Johnson
"
19982,"[camping] """"Dad I'm afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me"""" -don't be silly. It'll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
"
81707,"i guess my favorite book would haveta be """"being and nothingness""""... i was halfway done before i even started reading.
"
43807,"How did the escape artist annoy r/jokes?
"
6324,"What's big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise. :)
"
117862,"Me. *Throws coat over a puddle* Her. """"WTF are you doing with my coat?""""
"
81014,"SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt? ME: no thank you i don't want any proof that i've eaten here
"
120097,"My wife got braces today, so last night I reminded her... I reminded her that last night would be her last pain-free BJ night for two years. Looks like I will be waiting another two years...
"
107548,"A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can't find your phone.
"
22884,"First ghoul: You don't look too well today. Second ghoul: No I'm dead on my feet.
"
40577,"I was feeling under the weather... so i got on a plane.
"
24799,"What would martin Luther king be if he was white? Alive.
"
157056,"What has 100 legs and 50 brain cells? The front row of a donald trump rally!
"
17968,"Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
"
101654,"How do you know when a joke has gone too far? It's elected President.
"
62930,"Why do scuba-divers jump backwards into the water? Because if they jumped forwards they'd still be in the boat.
"
214937,"Q: What kind of tree grows in your hand? A: A palm tree.
"
174756,"What did the alcoholic say to the bartender? """"You know, I only beat my wife once in a Blue Moon.
"
200008,"Doctor: You have two months to live. Patient: But doctor, I won't be able to pay your bill in that time! Doctor: Ok, you have three months to live.
"
51537,"My hips don't lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
"
93505,"U just HAD to be polite & hold the elevator for me. I could have had a nice, quiet ride alone. Instead, I had to be polite & talk about fall
"
33746,"""""I'm very sorry, but you will die soon"""", said the doctor """"How soon?"""", the frail man asked, his body trembling at every word. """"In ten."""" """"Ten what? Ten years? Ten-"""" """"Nine."""" """"Eight.""""
"
29510,"What did the beach boys play at their reunion show? Wouldn't it be nice if we were younger.
"
50126,"A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre... so he gave it to her.
"
124664,"What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting? You only need one nail to hold up a picture.
"
125357,"What did people say after two satellite dishes got married? The wedding was dull, but the reception was great.
"
90046,"Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He just couldn't budget.
"
79315,"I've got butterflies in my stomach... That's the last time I eat a cocoon.
"
145723,"What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.
"
6371,"How do Mr. and Mrs. Weasley have sex? gingerly.
"
181200,"I like my coffee like I like my women... No Penis
"
42253,"The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, """"My place isn't that bad, I can go another week""""
"
229675,"What's the worst present you could give a black person? Cotton Scented Hand Lotion
"
7847,"Did you hear about the man from the experimental group that was arrested? He was out of control.
"
61590,"Your garbage disposal eats better than most of the world.
"
146843,"I don't know what to think of mountain-climbing. It has it's ups and downs.
"
227476,"Who are the fastest readers in the world? The people in the world trade center, these mother fuckers blew threw a hundred stories in two seconds!
"
140613,"Feeling pretty tough after some dodgy Indian takeaway last night If anyone needs me, I'll be vindaloo.
"
123418,"Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
"
221878,"What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A wooly jumper!
"
36729,"If you hated really old teak furniture, would you be anti antique teak?
"
64485,"Why did the investment banker leave her husband? She was losing interest.
"
189036,"What do you call a dog with no legs and metal balls? Sparky.
"
135064,"Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Inertia.
"
51555,"Why is Italy shaped like a boot? Cuz there's no way that amount of shit can fit into a normal shoe
"
202394,"Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your backside is refreshing.
"
200939,"Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... And doesn't.
"
32422,"You wouldn't believe how many laws I'm obeying right now
"
172694,"What did the Ukrainian Scientist receive after discovering the dangers of radiation? A Chernobel Prize.
"
42356,"So a clown gets eaten by a shark...
"
107818,"Whats similar between a hurricane and women? They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**
"
3163,"What did one snowman say to the other? Smells like carrots
"
31360,"90% of life is just having the courage to show up. The other 30% is just checking the math.
"
193841,"This sexist farmer called me a cow when I'm male. That's bull.
"
38542,"If Rand Paul ran for president and put Scott Walker on his ticket as running mate, their campaign would be Paul Walker 2016
"
169576,"Why was Biggie hungry at school? He forgot Tupac his lunch! *knee slap*
"
140495,"I stole some vegetables today I was out doing the grocery shopping earlier when I realised I really needed a piss. So I took a leek.
"
141501,"Chivalry is so not dead. Most guys ask where you want it when they cum.
"
93176,"I hate broken down white cars on the side of the hwy. They look just like cops when I'm speeding & shitting my pants is getting really old.
"
178866,"2 cannibals... ...are eating. One turns the other and says """"You know, I really don't like my sister."""" The other cannibal replies """"Fine then, try the pot pie.""""
"
39028,"The man who kept describing things as """"Smooth as a pig's butt"""" has apparently had different life experiences than me.
"
188898,"Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep  that's how you wash a cup.
"
73710,"April showers bring May flowers Mayflowers bring Smallpox.
"
16552,"By my calculations, I've spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table
"
6399,"Isn't it so awkward when you misplace a Rolex? It's like, do I want to tell people that there's a free Rolex on the loose? Relatable, right?
"
78218,"Why are the busiest paleontologists always rednecks? Because they are always caught up in some type of relative dating.
"
113332,"I like to go to the movies and politely ask the people in front of me to stop kicking my seat.
"
136596,"A family books a room in a hotel... ... The father goes and says to the receptionist and says I hope the pornography is disabled here and the receptionist goes its normal pornography you sick bastard.
"
138547,"My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
"
87661,"A horse walks into a bar He saddles up to the counter. The bartender asks """"Would you like a drink?"""" The horse replies """"Neigh."""" (I'm so sorry)
"
12341,"Nothing makes me feel like this exercise plan is working than the whistles & shouts coming from the jail when I run by.
"
230699,"""""Excuse me sir, are you really just a building in disguise?"""" *storefront sweats nervously* """"N-n-no! I am human my name is Bill. Bill...Ding""""
"
16006,"You never can trust atoms... Because they make up everything!
"
125270,"Old Texas cowboy in a pharmacy Cowboy: """"Give me three packets of condoms, please."""" Cashier: """"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"""" Cowboy: """"Nah. She ain't that ugly.
"
133830,"CW: It's gonna get cold! Me: You're gonna die. CW: Excuse me? Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.
"
84210,"""""That's what"""" -She
"
188541,"Just an Internet Explorer joke loading...
"
209602,"I'd eat more Mexican food if it didn't look like someone had already eaten it before me.
"
17383,"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
"
136301,"So a pirate wants to get his ears pierced... He goes to the mall where he finds an ear piercing kiosk and asks the girl how much it would cost. The girl turns and says, """"Oh hi! It's a buccaneer!""""
"
145536,"I hope there's not a huge turnout at my Claustrophobic's Anonymous meeting tonight.
"
120458,"Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk.
"
15767,"HER: What's your cell plan? ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You? HER: ... ME: ... HER: ... V-Verizon.
"
88804,"Why was the Adobe Acrobat document arrested? It was a PDF file.
"
200406,"[approaches parent with child on a leash] """"Mind if I pet your dog?"""" Hey that's my son! """"Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?""""
"
77939,"What did NaCl go to prison for? A-salt
"
133439,"""""I'm not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?"""" """"Sorry, sir. Here's your ketchup.""""
"
176320,"9 out of 10 dentists recommend crest toothpaste... ...the 10th is in still in hiding for paying $50,000 for the right to murder a lion in Africa.
"
138264,"Why did Chewbacca fail his driving test? He made a few Wookiee errors.
"
72547,"What do you call a blond-haired, blue-eyed guy who is well-endowed? A Hung-Ariyan.
"
182238,"There are only two types of news: Real news and faux news.
"
169956,"My favorite letter is elamenopee.
"
65232,"Every morning when my alarm goes off I think, """"this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.""""
"
94874,"I hadn't seen my girlfriend for a while... When she saw me, she said, """"Wow, your hands are so soft!"""" """"But... where have you been working out?""""
"
207680,"Mini-Skirt Speech My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
"
211203,"The message in a bottle is probably my favorite form of communication that involves throwing garbage in the ocean.
"
221983,"Ask a man if he's critiquing your work... Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you. Single Men say: Yes Married Men: Try to hide
"
55963,"Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident! Me: *you're
"
17340,"Life is like toilet paper you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
"
154691,"the day i feel like a real adult is the day i can wear a white shirt and keep it stain-free.
"
64759,"NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
"
14118,"What does a polite monster say when he meets you for the first time? Pleased to eat you!
"
162624,"What's the difference between a freezer and a faget? When you pull your meet out of a freezer it doesn't fart
"
217700,"My air conditioner broke. I've been breathing unconditioned air for the last 14 hours. This is how super villains are born.
"
109267,"I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidently going to work fully clothed.
"
188190,"(OC) Wanna know my secret to not catching STD's? I have kleenexes.
"
209443,"My cat just winked at me and now it's awkward because I only see her as a friend.
"
136992,"If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?
"
114149,"Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82... ...I'm easily lead
"
147026,"What's the difference between a male and a female? (Just hear me out.) Iron.
"
66654,"Why don't blondes like M&amp;Ms? They're so damned hard to peel.
"
5307,"""""And the Lord said unto John.......
"
190935,"What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture
"
95375,"When do you stop on green and go on red? When you are eating watermelon .
"
166973,"What do you call a confused baker? I dough know.
"
20940,"You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run - ORIGAMI not for everyone !
"
215685,"Tinfoil: Viserys Targaryen is a hipster. He wore a crown before it was cool.
"
8910,"""""To be is to do"""" - Socrates. """"To do is to be"""" - Nietzsche. """"Do be do be do"""" - Sinatra. """"Beep beep beep"""" - R2D2.
"
177160,"What did the Jewish pedophile say to the children? Want to buy a piece of candy.
"
122702,"What's a necrophilic pirate's favorite activity? Digging for booty.
"
156955,"If you skip church on Sundays.. You're pulling a Christian Bale.
"
65764,"What do Jedi and rapists have in common? They both use """"The Force"""".
"
76619,"Do you know why Bill Cosby likes Jam more than he likes Jelly? Because he can't jelly his dick in someone.
"
127810,"Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives. Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
"
139545,"There are two typos of people in the world... ... those who proofread, and those who don't.
"
221768,"I've never been to Prague... But I've always wanted to Czech it out!
"
93205,"Thank you, social media, for sometimes filling the emptiness you've created in our lives.
"
182512,"Did I ever tell you about the time I had a fart that lasted for an entire minute? It's a long-winded story.
"
133377,"One cool thing about marriage is that when you hate each other, the marriage keeps you together until you like each other again.
"
38117,"I can't wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
"
46421,"It's been three weeks since I put superglue on my friend's pen. But he still can't let it go.
"
213726,"His First Blow Job A teenage boy comes home excited and says, """"Dad! I just had my first blowjob!"""" The father says, """"That's great, son. How was it?"""" """"Tasted awful.""""
"
168203,"Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I'm eating hummus with people I don't even like.
"
199720,"kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen little girl: he said he'd been tested!
"
72207,"Everybody keeps telling me I'm paranoid... it's like a fucking conspiracy. -Jessica Jones
"
107409,"How does every racist joke start? *Looks around the immediate area*
"
2898,"What did the blonde say when she saw a banana peel? aw shit imma fall again
"
19568,"I told an ebola joke And only 50% died laughing.
"
222153,"Girls aren't hard to understand They don't have dicks.
"
131928,"Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korean missiles don't go that far.
"
164212,"Who the hell decided to say """"No Butt Sex"""" Instead of Ignoranus
"
60032,"Redditors won't get this... Original content
"
28535,"Don't be a doormat, be an electric fence.
"
143184,"Is a picture of Elijah Wood called a frodograph? (It makes more sense when you say it out loud)
"
46990,"Why did the tomato blush when it saw the salad dressing? It was embarrassed.
"
192258,"Just seen a woman in town with lipgloss so sticky she had 16 flies attached to her mouth.
"
50656,"Thank you to the Spanish public for. .. ...rallying round and providing new headlines.
"
28002,"If by raw food you mean cookie dough, then yes, I love raw food.
"
64643,"So this Kristen Stewart cheating stuff... Still a better love story than Twilight.
"
115989,"There should be a """"Life of Pi"""" TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
"
99792,"Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I'm already here..... -Men
"
158342,"Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
"
146923,"How many dead hookers does it take to fill up a garage I know it isn't 37
"
188026,"What burns longer, a red or a green candle? Neither, they both burn shorter.
"
179238,"In America, the army has read lots of news... In Soviet Russia, the news has lots of Red Army.
"
166606,"What do you call an alpacca that screams when it sees fire? A smoke aLaama.
"
97469,"Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!
"
9050,"Tim Cook officially came out of the closet... at least this is the one time when Android users can't claim that theirs came out first.
"
115885,"How many black people does it take to change a light bulb? Seriously, I gotta figure out how many slaves I need to buy
"
72578,"What do accountants use for birth control? Their personalities.
"
207581,"Why Can't A Bike Stand On Its Own? It's two-tired!
"
56084,"Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
"
41868,"[at dinner party] Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant. Vegan: I'm vegan
"
25836,"How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? In Soviet Russia, lightbulb screws YOU!
"
175804,"trampoline Back in the days in was called a jumpoline, but than your mama used it.
"
111271,"What's a bridges favourite genre of film? Suspense tion
"
110687,"write pizza as all the answers for homework because pizza is always the answer
"
19526,"What is the same with you, a pet cat, and a pet dog? All of them are adopted
"
75194,"Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
"
70349,"Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
"
220699,"How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck if a Woodchuck Could Chuck Norris? *All of it.* *All of the wood.*
"
56193,"What's the difference between illegal and unlawful? Unlawful is against the law, whereas illegal is a sick bird. Note: This obviously works better when told than read.
"
207813,"I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.
"
30830,"[first date] *Ok don't let her know you're a vampire* """"Would you like a mint?"""" *reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000* """"Dammit""""
"
75599,"women secrets? Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so within groups of 40.
"
96037,"Can anyone tell me where the Aby Sea is? Someone said pirates can't learn the alphabet, but I be having some difficulties navigating through the Aby Sea part.
"
17623,"Hey let's meet somewhere for drinks and text the people we'd rather be hanging out with.
"
189255,"What do you call a dinosaur with herpes? ...a Cankersaurus!
"
43562,"sorry i lost my nudes can u send me yours
"
204644,"I love the smell of abandoned commercial manufacturing plants. I find it to be a pleasant old factory experience.
"
227571,"How much does the average introvert weigh? Not enough to break the ice.
"
217015,"Superman's only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.
"
146119,"Prankcalling the NSA like is my refrigerator running?
"
106686,"What is the cheapest part of a boat? The part with the sail in it.
"
29730,"What's the difference between Jared Fogle's divorce and other divorces? Most married couples tried to stay together FOR the kids. Not divorce because of them.
"
43406,"A man walks into the zoo. The only animal there is a dog. It's a shitzu.
"
76067,"They're going to start playing porn at the fuel pumps.... This is so you can watch someone else being fucked at the same time as you.
"
90215,"*Chooses paper towels instead of the hand dryer right as a tree walks into the bathroom*
"
111242,"A woman once received a wooden breast implant It'd be nice if this joke had a punchline Wooden tit?
"
50545,"What did the rock say when he had to leave his girlfriend for a long time? I pumice I'll come back soon!
"
187142,"I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
"
215588,"What does Game of Thrones have in common with The Sixth Sense? Icy Dead People
"
71213,"*clicks on article abt miley cyruses tongue bein so white* this is the shit. the good shit which i crave in a infinite universe of mystery
"
70189,"A neutron walks into a bar. If you dont know how the rest goes im sorry you dont deserve to be on the internet.
"
163245,"What do you call a french person masturbating? Jacques-ing off.
"
30137,"Why did the blonde start rubbing toothpaste on her vagina? She heard it helps reduce cavities.
"
130147,"Knock knock -Who's there? 9/11 -9/11 who? I thought you said you'd never forget.
"
123619,"When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
"
36617,"I finally figured out what I wanna be when I get older...........................Younger!
"
88568,"Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
"
20202,"What do you tell someone who occupies space and has mass? You matter.
"
66717,"I'm worried about my girlfriend recently... I'm always worried if shes eating well, sleeping well, or if she exists at all.
"
77406,"What's the difference between you and a baby bird. The bird got laid.
"
84940,"If your avatar is you in a bikini, but it's the type that stays tiny when you click it, it may as well be turds in the shape of a swastika
"
226189,"What's the difference between England and a teabag? The teabag stays in the cup longer.
"
39195,"My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex... I was bloody and sore by the end, but at least my dad came Repost from r/darkhumour
"
8484,"Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair... Me: Yes, baby Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
"
88774,"What music service do potatoes like to use? Spudify.
"
15103,"I really want to take my girlfriend out to dinner... ...But she asks way too much per hour.
"
27045,"*at a funeral* haha. they should have provided SOUL food, lol. *nudges crying lady next to me* hey. they should have had SOUL food here haha
"
1823,"Once all serial killers decided to compete for the most kills It was a cut throat competition
"
78195,"Why do Native Americans hate it when it rains in April? Because it brings Mayflowers.
"
101689,"The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.
"
194087,"What do you call someone who stole home plate? A rapist.
"
27761,"Some dude just ran into Starbucks, grabbed coconut water yelling """"white people milk"""" and left. Went outside, coconut water all over street
"
139356,"How do Chinese pick a name for their newborn? They kick a Can
"
34821,"This question is only for the fellas: You ever kick back in your man cave and think about what a strong feminist ally you are?
"
39528,"Australian Cricket Team
"
138179,"What's the slogan of Jewish proselytizers? Yahweh or the highway.
"
40344,"Kanye West tweeted that Bieber's 'What Do You Mean?' was 2015's best song. The """"...which wouldn't happened without me"""" tweet coming soon.
"
115133,"What's the difference between a spot and a girl on her period? When you squeeze a spot, you get bloody pus. When you squeeze a girl on her period...
"
100356,"I love you more... - Darling, I feel that you love football more than me. - Honey, but I love you more than hockey.
"
91272,"Do you need help transporting a lot of animals overseas? Because I Noah guy
"
150795,"I don't understand poor people They keep saying they have """"nothing"""", then when there's a flood ot a fire, they say they lost """"everything"""".
"
143240,"My mum told this hilarious joke whilst we were taking groceries into the flat """"Take multiple trips""""
"
121215,"How do we know that Greek yogurt's Greek? Because it's whey strained.
"
163321,"A boy asks his mum why he was getting Christmas presents in August His mum replied """"Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy. """"
"
125842,"Two Scottish cows in a field, what one is on holiday? The one with the wee calf.
"
176534,"What do you call it when a group of people in a single vehicle travel through a lengthy underpass? Carpool tunnel!
"
203111,"'I have a baby-sized dick' he said. He wasn't lying. 19 inches, 7.5 lbs.
"
20510,"A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is... These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their ass.
"
203786,"Whilst having an argument with my wife about housework, she asked me to look at it from a woman's point of view ... So I looked out the kitchen window.
"
163275,"I won a competition where you had to make as many Freudian slips as you could in sixty seconds. It was a race against the cock.
"
213306,"What do you call a pirate's girlfriend? His soulmatey
"
222788,"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day Give a man a poisoned fish and he'll eat for the rest of his life
"
37573,"Why did the coed have sex with a Mexican? Her professor told her if she wanted to pass, she had to do an essay
"
190076,"I'm a bit worried. I was checking my testicles this morning, and I noticed that one of them... ...is considerably larger than the other two.
"
200645,"So a baby seal walks into a club. The end.
"
78975,"What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick into an asshole...
"
154064,"What is the difference between a gay man and a fridge?.... ...A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
"
49954,"my mom took me to """"bring your kids to work day"""" when I was younger- the day went all right, but I just dont think the other strippers liked me.
"
5484,"if formula for area of a circle is true, whats the shape of pi. square
"
207100,"Damn girl, are you a Blastoise? Cause your Hydropump is super effective.
"
172123,"How do you say the name Ray in Jamaican? Raymond
"
110445,"Why did the monster drink ten liters of  antifreeze? So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.
"
49188,"Who was Japan's favorite racist comedian? Charlie JAPlin. hahahaahhaha stop racism.
"
176235,"""""Hey, that shit looks fun. Don't do that."""" - religion
"
220669,"I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
"
72717,"My wife and I were happy for 20 years... ... then we met
"
196802,"Why didn't the electron leave it's house? Because it was grounded.
"
60089,"A dslexic man walked into a bra. His wife's washing was hanging out to dry and he wasn't looking where he was going. The man's dyslexia was admittedly pretty irrelevant to the event.
"
90932,"Subway should be taken to court. They force their male employees to make sandwiches for other people and that is clearly sexist.
"
148750,"You only live once! So never, ever, do anything risky and fuck this up.
"
54167,"If only Steve Irwin wore sun screen. He could have been protected from harmful rays.
"
167033,"How to avoid clickbait
"
167290,"I hope England beats Iceland... Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!
"
45330,"Tomatoes are a rich source of lycopene (werewolf dick).
"
163597,"why does everyone in breath mint commercials have to be so horny
"
88401,"That awkward moment the drug dealer charges you extra for the briefcase.
"
86831,"The only thing better than iPad... ...is an iTampon.
"
220433,"Why didn't Greece vote for Tyrion? Because a Lannister always pays his debts.
"
196939,"BREAKING - Albert Pujols to Angels for $254M dollars prompting Kim Kardashian to announce she now likes Latinos
"
60245,"Why were the boy and girl melons depressed? Because they can't elope.
"
30187,"Police Officer and the Pothead Police Officer: """"How high are you?"""" Pothead: """"No officer, it's """"Hi, How are you?""""
"
169959,"I just violated myself in the shower. I didn't want to but rules are rules and I did drop the soap after all.
"
105545,"If you were a prisoner going down the stair You couldnt be more condescending.
"
132633,"Why do they run the credits at the beginning of Game of Thrones? Because you don't know who is going to make it to the end.
"
226263,"I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped. ... My uncle doesn't fuck around when he plays Monopoly.
"
16019,"-I got you a birthday present... ...but I can't give it to you until tomorrow. -What is it? -It rhymes with 'Something to get drunk with'.
"
89643,"Want to hear a joke? . . . The WNBA! Want to hear another? Women's Rights
"
168531,"Maybe ask the judge if your sentence is in dog years or regular years and they'll prob just laugh and let you go you got tweets to write man
"
146701,"If you ever see a troll eat a fairy It's either time for rehab or you're on Reddit.
"
49052,"I love cheese! Cheese: I have a boyfriend
"
103242,"Bareknuckle boxing is a little less manly... ...when you refer to it as """"topless fisting"""". -&amp;y (again, tis written by me!)
"
202791,"Ever since I became asexual I've found I have to repeat myself a lot. ... You're not getting it? Neither am I. ... Let me reiterate.
"
49786,"Why are oranges like bells? You can peel (peal) both of them.
"
21982,"I think everyone agrees that the lowest form of earth on this planet are child pornographers. They are the scum of the earth and should be tried as adults.
"
90982,"Cashier: would u like a bag? Me: no I'll just carry the economy box of pads & Midol out so whoever thinks of kidnapping me will think twice
"
54270,"A man walks into a bar... """"ouch""""
"
172925,"Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other  but they don't meant it either.
"
220499,"What's your spirit animal? """"An eagle. They're so majestic."""" MEANWHILE Horse: hey eagle, what's your spirit human Eagle: this guy Dave
"
165940,"Do you know why super villains are so good at math? Because of all their practice plotting.
"
66814,"What does one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month.
"
110514,"I told the barista my name was """"Britney Spears"""" just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with """"annoying white girl"""" written on it instead
"
167227,"I bought a nice 12 year old scotch yesterday. His parents weren't pleased.
"
47852,"I Once Tried to Break the World Record for Most Records Broken Suffice to say, the employees at Village Music World were not happy with me.
"
5940,"I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
"
11280,"Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?
"
176385,"What state was JFK when he was assassinated? A horrible state
"
189011,"Why Don't Lobsters Share? Because they're shellfish.
"
197108,"Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback!!
"
34961,"   Cat and tree a
"
59335,"99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code Take one down, patch it around, 116 bugs in the code!
"
181520,"Which burger is famous for a long nose? Cyrano de Burgerac!
"
102785,"Did you guys know the majority is always right? Except slavery
"
229890,"when I grow up I want to be the guy who wears a puffy suit and gets attacked by police dogs
"
194623,"The neck pillow I was using on the Greyhound bus turned out to be an adult diaper somebody left on the seat.
"
219491,"There were 2 cows in a field and one says """"mooo"""" and the other says... """"I was going to say that""""
"
113375,"Hello police? Please send an officer over to 324 London Road right away! Sorry this isn't the police station. It's the Delicatessen. Oh. Well in that case please send over a pastrami sandwich!
"
108728,"Their wedding went off without a hitch... ...which was a problem in itself!
"
18656,"Caveman1: look, I invent wheel Caveman2: what we do now? Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
"
125195,"Whats the difference between a hippie on fire and a lifetime supply of patchouli? I don't wish for a lifetime supply every time I smell patchouli.
"
9439,"Facebook: Helping you acknowledge the existence of people you had been successfully ignoring for years.
"
145902,"They say they give' medals for valour But mine cost an arm and a leg.
"
218702,"Why did Tim Tebow's mom protest against the Russian soup truck? It contained a borscht ton.
"
115736,"""""Omg, I literally just died"""" -people who literally don't know what literally means
"
122123,"Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him? He stung her into action.
"
217115,"I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot? Myself.
"
204613,"I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels...boy was I wrong
"
63288,"my chemistry always told me """"if you're not part of the solution..... then you're part of the precipitate""""
"
230973,"What did the Japanese buck say to the doe he was courting? [OC] I don't know how to put this but...I'm kind of a big deer.
"
1517,"Why are toblerones triangular prisms To fit in the box
"
139336,"Pizza Joke If you slice up a large pizza, that's no big deal. But if you slice up a medium, you can get jail time. And she should have seen it coming.
"
34291,"This lady at the store didn't know what a Toblerone was and I've honestly never been more offended in my life.
"
84669,"Why are most cemeteries fenced in? Because everyone is dying to get in
"
78615,"What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef.
"
47717,"Scientists Have Captured the Sound One Atom Makes and what did the atom say? """"Does it really matter we make up everything.""""
"
147530,"When we draw birds we basically just draw flying mustaches.
"
170977,"When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
"
120424,"Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
"
88403,"Why do Mexicans always walk around like the own the place? Their dad built it, and their mom cleans it
"
154673,"What do you call an Englishman with no butt? An assless chap.
"
138870,"Held A door open for an Asian man today he said """"sank you""""... He better not be referring to pearl harbor..
"
211200,"What is 18 inches long, pink, squishy, and makes women cry? SIDS
"
226620,"Last Valentine's day I recieved so many cards from my girlfriends that I couldn't open the front door... Because my wife had the locks changed
"
156470,"How does an Asgardian like his parties? Loki
"
144980,"What's the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist? An etymologist would know
"
199722,"I farted in an Apple store today and everyone yelled at me... Like it's my fault they don't have Windows...
"
37982,"Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn't laugh...
"
90487,"Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
"
56017,"Happy Kwanzaa, my black friend! Kwanzaa just means y'all worship a black baby Jesus instead of the real one, right?
"
126777,"[picking out a washing machine] how many watermelons can this hold? """"uhh I dunno, 11?"""" only 11? *keeps walking to next one* how many waterme
"
131468,"Watching my kids play the Xbox Kinect and it's taking me back to when I was a kid and we had this great game called playing outside.
"
90561,"Why couldn't Hillary Clinton keep up her US presidential campaign? She was let down by a weak Constitution.
"
172111,"Why did Jesus come to Earth? To get to the other side. Ba dum tssshh
"
48970,"Can you think of something more ironic than being a gay chiropractor? Choosing a career in which your job is to make people straight again.
"
58976,"What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam
"
8449,"Maybe every nation has ninjas And the Japanese ninjas are just the worst
"
101835,"15 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs. Don't die Kevin Bacon!!
"
149727,"I love the concept of karma. It means all the people I mistreat and fuck over every day must have it coming.
"
196638,"My mind's telling me """"No!"""" But my body, my body's telling me """"There's that chicken salad in the fridge.""""
"
204103,"What did one tomato say to the other? Catch up.
"
167438,"R.I.P. bottled water. You will be mist
"
72277,"I got my kid a cat as a present, but it died before X-mas... Now I'm stuck taking care of a cat
"
123755,"If you 2 apples and your uncle gives you one, what do you have? A sore ass.
"
202634,"fun prank: text a girl """"we need to talk right now"""" and then throw your phone into a river
"
121475,"Why did the hipster burn his mouth when he was eating a slice of pizza? He ate it before it was cool
"
223024,"My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face. I wear contacts.
"
28982,"Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet! Thought I'd try one: 18: Can I borrow the car? Me: No Wasn't that adorable?!
"
229688,"what did yoda say to a golfer May the course be with you
"
186190,"I overdosed on my homeopathic medicine today. Forgot to take it.
"
87217,"Why did Hitler kill himself? Because he saw his gas bill
"
218576,"The chicken and the egg lay in bed together sharing a cigarette... The chicken turns to the egg and says, """"well, I guess we answered that one.""""
"
94421,"Ebay is great! I just ordered a chicken and an egg. We shall see what one comes first.
"
57155,"What do you get when you cross a pig with a billy  goat? A crashing bore.
"
132667,"A farmer counted 197 cows in his field... ...but when he rounded them up, he had 200.
"
203612,"How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nun. But really, its easier to rape little boys in the dark.
"
122654,"What's the difference between a park bench and a writer? A park bench can support a family.
"
93695,"How do you know the rules of football was written by an Italian? You switch sides at half time.
"
21770,"What do you call a abortion in Czechoslovakia? A cancelled check.
"
17790,"Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's fly into a window.
"
54067,"Two young men walk into a bar I dont know what happened then I was outside
"
110436,"Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be baygulls
"
175653,"feedback 4 people revving motorbikes loud in residential areas: there is absolutely 0% chance that u r impressing literally a single person
"
10532,"Knock knock knock knock knock. Who's there? Michael J Fox
"
110986,"Did you hear that Elton John is singing at Amy Winehouse's funeral reception? He will be singing """"Candle Under the Spoon"""".
"
172232,"I asked a girl back to my place to enjoy the works of Michel Houellebecq. But she said she ain't no Houellebecq girl.
"
76604,"Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha
"
60241,"I asked a Mexican man how he was voting in the next election. He was on the fence.
"
186331,"Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.
"
104456,"All I'm saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we're all french toast.
"
172424,"A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide......... Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?
"
78742,"How many blacks does it take to start a riot? -1
"
209433,"What's the difference between a yellow cab and a green cab in NYC? The green cabs haven't ripened yet.
"
95137,"""""Here, let me suck as much life from you as possible."""" -jobs
"
46813,"me: *kicks a stone* mountain: my baby
"
83464,"Math is sad. It takes hours to try to prove your point, but only one counterexample to destroy everything. Much like my marriage.
"
133358,"Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
"
218445,"Would you like to hear a good joke about Jonestown Massacre? Nah, nevermind, the punchline is too long.
"
67986,"I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
"
133150,"The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was """"in that Titanic movie"""". Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.
"
22272,"What's a drug lord woman called? A drug lady? A heroin heroine?!
"
34458,"I told myself I should stop drinking .. .. but I'm not about to listen to some weirdo that talks to himself
"
126414,"girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!? me [visibly nervous]: not much!
"
168744,"Why is golf named """"golf""""? Because all the other fore letter words were taken (Thanks to /u/bonerfar... this now makes sense...)
"
97983,"Sometimes I wonder """"Why is that frisbee getting bigger?"""" Then it hits me.
"
168100,"Bob: Who is that? Me:That's Ted, he's the opposite of a hypochondriac.. Ted's arm falls off Ted: Hey guys! Bob: Holy shit! Ted: What, I'm ok
"
91413,"Did you hear the joke about the guy who shined a light at his shadow? It starts off dark, but the ending is bright.
"
149451,"I was named Chief Speaker at the Society of Introverts. Thank God no-one showed up.
"
105951,"""""Cash or Debit?"""" """"Did you just assume my tender?!""""
"
41159,"Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib? Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
"
129954,"An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar... ... and the barman says """"What do you think this is, some kind of joke?
"
88240,"Are we sure that Oscar Pistorius was the only one involved in the murder of his girlfriend? Someone else may well have done the leg work.
"
185395,"What's the difference between a redneck, and a SJW? A redneck's trigger actually does something
"
2011,"How do you stop Carlos Santana from molesting your children? You put a guitar in his hands.
"
125710,"What is the difference between me and my couch? My couch pulls outs
"
49894,"Telemarketer: Are you a homeowner? Me: How big are your lips? Telemarketer: .... Me: Your lips. Are they huge? *click*
"
35643,"What do you call a rising poll? Upvote
"
76821,"It was so hard getting out of bed this morning Thank god for elastic boxer shorts
"
149501,"I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!
"
157549,"Haven't worn a bra in 4 days.... I love being a man
"
116552,"Why did the condom suddenly go flying across the room? Because he was pissed off.
"
37792,"I like my women with curves. Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they're hungry.
"
90436,"It's not gay when it's a three-way... ...unless you're all guys. Then, it's pretty gay. I mean, in a good way. No judgment here. Really, enjoy yourselves.
"
217330,"A study shows women are more interested in how a penis looks than in how big it is ... As long as it looks big.
"
134553,"My friend might be hung tomorrow... The suspense is killing him.
"
124195,"In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. """"I wish he'd die,"""" says Cupcake. They all nod.
"
226574,"What do you call someone who lost an election by 2 million votes? Mr. President.
"
66844,"I just ate a pizza covered in pepperoni and chillies. To be honest, I looked pretty ridiculous.
"
184000,"How many Tourette's sufferers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fuck you god damn shit cunt just one of us asshole bitch bastard!
"
157666,"The Irish Alligator His name was Croc O'Dile.
"
13577,"There should be a trap door at the front of the line for coffee that opens into a pit of fire if you take too long to order.
"
54113,"Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I'm now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
"
67773,"I won't slam on my brakes if someone's tailgating me...I will, however, take my foot off the accelerator and slowly come to a stop.
"
9750,"The Columbine basketball team hasn't been the same... Since they lost their two best shooters
"
176069,"How many Freemasons does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a secret!
"
30904,"What's worse than biting an apple and finding a worm? biting an apple and finding half a worm
"
1178,"How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, no light bulb dare go out in the presence of Chuck Norris.
"
151224,"I guess you can say Eagles of Death Metal's fanbase is really blowing up..
"
107192,"I ran into a man today who knew absolutely nothing about anatomy. I had to explain to him that there was a vas deferens between a testicle and penis. Edit: fixed """"there""""
"
154198,"Why did the little refrigerator salute the big refrigerator? Because he was General Electric.
"
85354,"What do you call a gay indian? A Brave Sucker Best friends dad coughed this one up to his son-in-law that was native american.
"
223807,"Charlie Sheen hates..... Parisians even more than the IS does.
"
102017,"I spent this past weekend baby-proofing my house... I'm not having a baby, but I hung up a bunch of anime posters to make sure that I never do.
"
135926,"*job interview* so tell me a fun fact about yourself Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh- get the hell out
"
9519,"If a tree falls in the woods, and there are no English majors around to hear it... does is lay on the ground, or lie?
"
230705,"Huge bowls of cereal are the parentheses to my night's sleep.
"
112669,"What do you get if you cross a  hairdresser with a werewolf? A monster with an all-over perm.
"
178672,"What do you call a pregnant cow, just after giving birth DeCALFeinated
"
229021,"Why are Teen aged boys so good at fishing? Because they're Master Baiters.
"
35058,"A young girl asks her father. A young girl asks her father """"Daddy what does the word slut mean?"""" Father """"Sweetie don't use that word, your mother will be offended""""
"
79259,"I joke a lot, but in reality nothing can stop me from reaching my goals, except for shiny distractions or moderate discomfort.
"
65098,"I wrote a song about tortillas. Actually, it's more of a rap.
"
108092,"What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews Hary got out of the chambers.
"
169243,"My grandma got breast cancer and is getting a mastectomy. That's certainly a weight off her chest.
"
32201,"What do you call a Mexican Miget? A paragraph Cause he's to small to be an esse
"
163478,"What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno business
"
228220,"[phone rings] """"We've removed your son's missing picture from our milk cartons."""" """"You found him?"""" """"No, people stopped buying milk.""""
"
12931,"I've been ignoring these dirty dishes for 47 minutes and they still haven't taken the hint. It's just awkward now...
"
132758,"A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar... A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. Immediately, the bartender walks up and says: """"Hey! You guys can hang out here...just don't try and start anything.""""
"
117071,"What's up? This guy! (points at self)
"
148574,"How does Boomhower describe the Genitals of the Lieutenant from the Reno Police Department? Dang ol' Dangle dangle.
"
32873,"Oh, Bill... A reporter asks Bill Clinton, """"How's Hillary's head?"""" He answers, """"Well, she's no Monica!""""
"
217401,"I don't feel sorry for people who waited until the last minute to do their taxes... I finished mine over a year ago...
"
49554,"Did you hear about the linoleum factory in France that exploded? The locals call it Linoleum Blown-apart.
"
178039,"Are you a romantic man? Yes. When my wife comes home late, I turn on the candles, let the place fill up with nice and warm water and throw in some soap. So she can immediately start doing the dishes.
"
118472,"What do you call a city full of neckbeards? M'tropolis
"
46690,"Wife: """"Would you like to help me....?"""" Translation: """"Do it or die.""""
"
74986,"When a cow laughs..... does milk come out of her nose?
"
187895,"This might be offensive, but what do you call a jewish pokemon trainer? Ash.
"
134490,"I went to my local city's zoo. They had just one animal. A dog! It was a shit zu.
"
122888,"Why did the man sleep after being run over by a car? Because he got tired.
"
188554,"My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for """"minimal lettuce."""" He said he was sorry but they only had iceberg.
"
190491,"Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door... ...but his girlfriend was against it.
"
165195,"hilarious joke my penis size
"
62237,"DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery ME: Wtf why not? DAD: Because *locking eyes* they're still alive
"
139889,"Why did Adele cross the road? To say Hello... From the other side
"
92326,"What do you call a Messiah that enjoys pain? A masochrist.
"
105860,"What's the difference between broccoli and boogers? You can't get kids to eat broccoli.
"
91658,"You can lose weight if you don't eat foods that start with capital letters. Even faster if you live in Germany!
"
19118,"The only thing harder than diamonds a redneck at his family reunion
"
123624,"My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
"
127835,"Why'd it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
"
9958,"Clear before beer, and your clear to steer... into other cars or near by pedestrians killing them and or yourself so don't fucking drink and drive you fucking moron!
"
110778,"The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.
"
209000,"Did you see the story about the psychic dwarf escaping prison? The headline was """"Small medium at large"""".
"
212973,"A body was found.... In the bus station early this morning. A man was drowned in milk, buried in Cheerios, with a banana stuxk in his ass. Police suspect a cereal killer....
"
75758,"I'm glad Canada won. Beating them in hockey would like telling Yo-Yo Ma that the cello sucks. He's a nice dude, let him be into the cello.
"
199358,"I received an email from Google It said, """"At Google Earth we can read maps backwards """" I thought, """"That's just spam.""""
"
95133,"Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
"
54326,"I'm suprised that there aren't more fat lesbians... All they ever talk about is eating out.
"
24644,"What did the yoga teacher say when someone asked if she wanted to leave the party early? Namaste
"
186979,"Me: *reclines* Nice Wife: I still can't believe you bought a used gynecological exam table Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs
"
196759,"I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalks... ...for keeping me off the streets
"
106424,"A man went to the store buy condoms The cashier asked him, """"Do you want a bag?"""" He replied, """"No thanks, she's not that ugly.""""
"
83531,"What do you call Aaron Rodgers' generous daughter? Sharon Rodgers
"
83459,"I had sex with a can of Coke. The doctor told me that I had contracted... ...Genital Burpies.
"
204325,"A person in my class is constantly playing with his watch I wish I had that kind of time on my hands
"
118502,"What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese women? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
"
223455,"You know what's not right? Left
"
133732,"Just made eye contact with a truck driver while eating a corn dog at a convenience store and now I hate everything.
"
21078,"Why did God invent shopping carts? To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.
"
117278,"King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table. The carpenter had cut some corners.
"
34043,"""""Bob's here"""" Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he's a surgeon? """"We only know one Bob and he's an accountant"""" *arm falls off*
"
102849,"Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
"
68593,"I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
"
179064,"How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hella
"
160030,"Don't think I won't spin around and French kiss you if you're standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
"
57838,"What's the difference between a hooker and an onion? You cry when you cut an onion.
"
205887,"Why did the chicken say, """"In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...""""? Because the chicken crossed the road.
"
112258,"Why Is A Man's Mind Dirtier Than A Woman's? A woman changes hers more often.
"
65322,"On Mondays, Zombies feel alive inside.
"
55798,"What was sonic's diet advice to mario? Gotta go fast
"
170185,"How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
"
31676,"How are American beer and making love in a canoe the same? They're both fucking close to water.
"
23215,"Frankly, I adore your mom. She said I'm the funniest motherfucker that's ever been up in this bitch! And she wasn't talking about Twitter.
"
197874,"I went to a party as a pirate (oc) I went to a party as a pirate and met a girl dressed as a whale She wasn't into me You can say I walked the plankton
"
183390,"[On a date] Date: So what do you do? Me: I'm a taxidermist Date: Oh... wow. Fox: And a ventriloquist
"
185184,"Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds. Poor guy.
"
96995,"Ok how about a nail polish line for office ladies with colors like Legal pad, Non-dairy creamer, Mug stain, Excel, Boss neck...
"
166603,"Dang girl. Are you a werewolf... Cause I'm lycan what I see.
"
192425,"Why does the Easter Bunny go around hiding all those eggs? Because he doesn't want everyone to know that he's been fucking that chicken.
"
114733,"Chinese numbers I asked a sexy Chinese girl for her number. -She replied, """"Sex Sex Sex,Free Sex tonight."""" I said, """"Wow!"""" Then her friend said, """"She means 6663629.""""
"
182155,"I really like my eggs over-easy. Today, I was gonna try them scrambled... ...but it's not worth the whisk.
"
158086,"I went to a library... I went to a library and asked the librarian for a book on suicide. Then the librarian turned to me and said """"Fuck you, you wont return it!""""
"
136113,"Where do muslim terrorists go when they die? INTO BUILDINGS
"
108027,"What is the difference between a call center job and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
"
114005,"I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday. I replied asking them to call her because she can't read.
"
56018,"My name is Jafar. I come from afar. Some place in Quatar. I work at bazaar. I sell snake in a jar. I have bomb in my car. Allu ak bar.
"
158487,"What did the baby light bulb say to it's mommy? I wuv you watts and watts!
"
27088,"""""Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred."""" """"So just the normal way you make a martini then?"""" """"That's right.""""
"
112854,"How do you identify a vegan at a party? You don't, they come and tell you
"
82657,"How long is one minute? It depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
"
218798,"You want to scare someone? Call them.
"
178141,"So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid Guess that makes it Priustoric
"
3347,"Is there a way to make a hamburger do the Hula? Sure order a burger and a shake!
"
137019,"When your SO asks Daddy for ketchup at the family BBQ. And you BOTH grab it at the same time.
"
120055,"I have a very defined ab. That's not a typo, I only have a single ab
"
95297,"Sometimes when I'm drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I'm the host from Unsolved Mysteries
"
227222,"I asked my wife what my rapper name should be. She suggested, """"2-PAAQ"""" 2 pumps and a quiver. :'(
"
56838,"Why was the Eunich Squirrel unhappy? Because he had no nuts.
"
178898,"What does the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!
"
77345,"I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went Then it dawned on me.
"
179610,"Her: About last night, please understand that wasn't me... that was the wine. Me: ... Her: ... Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?
"
75104,"What does Hitler say when he gets a charlie horse? *Mein Krampf!*
"
132527,"What happens when Jack is angry with his beans? Jack and the beans talk
"
136253,"Don't cry because it's over, smile because they'll never find the body.
"
47633,"Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness? Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
"
59942,"What animal gets applauded? The mosquito.
"
34531,"What is a Redneck virgin? A 7-year-old that can run faster than her brothers!
"
125292,"What did the kid say to his mother right before he went to India? Mumbai
"
61918,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter. No matter how many feminists there are, they can't change anything. Source: a friend
"
169806,"Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There's liquor and you can't hear them.
"
83813,"What starts out happy but ends in tears? Marriage
"
223572,"When I get fired, I assume they are going to show me a hidden-camera montage of me flipping off my boss and customers behind their backs.
"
55747,"I heard diarrhea is hereditary... It runs in your jeans. (Ba dum tss)
"
146211,"Quadruplets: Four crying out loud.
"
158718,"How does a crackhead lose weight? Diet Coke.
"
183696,"What are the three rings of marriage? The first one is the engagement ring...the second one is the wedding ring...and the third one is the suffering.
"
34101,"I bought a fleshlight Because fuck it.
"
109936,"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *(choking sounds)*
"
107732,"Whats the most dyslectic part of Asia? Croatia!
"
164229,"I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH'S LIKE 3 DAYS
"
97940,"To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
"
61596,"What did the Cryptologist have for breakfast? Hash with alot of Salt
"
108857,"My wife says if this post gets thousand upvotes, we can do anal. I'm tired of the other posts. It's me in her.
"
54303,"A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
"
128468,"""""Since you both claim to be this infant's mother, we'll cut the baby in half."""" OK. Sounds reasonable. """"Y...uh, alright then. Let's do this.""""
"
92393,"RACIST: im a racist! ME: uh oh RACIST: yea I race cars! ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means RACIST: & I hate Jews! ME: there it is
"
185904,"What did the frustrated cannibal say? Nothing he just threw up his hands.
"
192739,"What's yellow comes from Peru and is  completely unknown ? Waterloo Bear Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin !
"
161714,"Say what you will about us hypocrites, but the standards we claim to have are WAY higher than yours.
"
161308,"I'll never cheat on another test... It keyed my car and told the cops I beat it up
"
32308,"What kind of Asian dish takes away your freedoms? Kung Pao Chicken
"
148528,"The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they'll call you in the morning!
"
176142,"I'm a lying birch Username checks out.
"
92209,"Why do midgets always laugh when playing soccer? The grass tickles their balls!
"
163138,"Sad that Batman's never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
"
218007,"Why do Scuba divers fall backwards off the boat, and into the water? Because if they fell forward, they'd fall into the boat.
"
54184,"What do you call a robber who looks like David Beckham? Bandit like Beckham
"
173688,"My girlfriend called me a pedophile... Such a big word for a six year old.
"
168706,"How do you get 50 Pikachus on a bus? Poke 'em on.
"
74191,"Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say """"You haven't seen The Wire?"""" and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
"
198028,"Would you like a duck egg for supper? Only if you quack it for me.
"
14535,"Never cry for an onion that doesn't deserve you.
"
30186,"Friend: I'm surprised to see you eating a salad. Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
"
106330,"Why don't Muslims fight each other often? Cause they don't want no beef Edit: I'm going to crawl back into my hole now
"
16505,"Police chase I was racing towards a cliff with police sirens ringing in my ears when I noticed my mirror was broken and I realized there was no looking back now
"
222124,"I tried explaining to someone why smoking weed is bad for you. To be blunt, I don't think they were paying much attention.
"
34359,"""""Surely I say unto you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."""" I wonder why rich men didn't just chop up the camel first...
"
60275,"When someone texts you k', just reply, """"L M N O P Q R S T you V W X why Z""""
"
30854,"An ad at the zoo: Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!'
"
104308,"I saw two blind men fighting And I yelled out """"I'm rooting for the one with the knife"""" Then they both ran away
"
150521,"Do you know what evil kisses sound like? Muah hahaha
"
157649,"If you see a cat with a dart in it, that's my cat and I need him back, we aren't done yet.
"
206976,"LPT: When Googling """"grandfather clock"""" don't forget the L.
"
90238,"A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, """"Sorry. We don't serve food.""""
"
211657,"Sorry feminists... Why do doctors slap babies butts when they come out? To knock the balls off the dumb ones.
"
191240,"What is gay pride? A group of homosexual lions
"
83239,"Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she has no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally, she has no arms.
"
20914,"What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The Wheelchair
"
186909,"When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs...& because I'm gay..& we always take it up a notch.
"
227510,"What did the farming professor say to his new students? """"Welcome to my field.""""
"
209545,"I think I saw Michael J Fox in a gardening centre earlier... It was hard to tell, he had his back to the Fuchsias.
"
231618,"Massive explosion at a French cheese factory, first responders say cause is still unknown. All that was left was de brie.
"
206721,"I'm going to keep using 'penis' as a verb until someone lets me penis them.
"
38281,"Shout-out to my arms For always being by my side
"
192385,"My dog thinks I collect small bags of poo
"
115956,"Just accidentally zoomed so far out of a Word document that I saw the birth of the universe
"
147513,"Your mom must study Reverse-Judo. She keeps throwing herself at bad men.
"
95247,"The problem with Australia is that it's full of scary reptiles... Tony Abbot for example.
"
205783,"Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he's a centaur with spiders for lips
"
78223,"Knock Knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 Who? YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!!!!
"
53326,"Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!! Hub: I know! He's got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream! Me:... Hub:...his dream, not mine
"
14181,"How do witches lose weight? They join weight witches.
"
13489,"There's Only One Thing I hate More Than a Litterbug... ...having a dirty car.
"
13960,"What are you going to do for a face? When the monkey wants its bum back? :D
"
36359,"What do you tell a cow blocking a road? Mooove
"
136380,"What kind of bee will not take credit for his contributions? A Humblebee.
"
157524,"How do you get beer from root beer? You pour it in a square glass.
"
598,"What do you call little kids in Belgium? Brusselsprouts
"
157022,"What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard
"
68390,"Where did Steve Jobs and Bill Gates go to get a drink? The Space Bar
"
25043,"Why does Ariel wear seashells? Because she can't fit into D shells
"
22904,"What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by a chicken
"
161009,"How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can't even make her a mix tape anymore?
"
58481,"Funny Fact Always happens to me : Study for one hour no one sees . But pick up mobile just for a second and MOM/DAD enters the room
"
182629,"Why do blonde girls have bruises on their belly buttons? Because blonde guys are stupid too!
"
130266,"Yesterday I was just a dude in a hoody whispering Black Sabbath lyrics to a goat. Today, I am the leader of a petting zoo cult.
"
186079,"The batteries on my camcorder died halfway through my wife's wedding speech. I'm never going to hear the end of it.
"
149235,"You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
"
70993,"Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
"
152866,"They have a sea food place at Sea World. How morbid. What if I'm eating a slow leaner.
"
220716,"How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
"
139038,"I just saw the most beautiful girl, but she was wearing those huge sunglasses so there is still a chance she's a 1200 pound rhinoceros.
"
85171,"Help me practice my knife throwing skills. You catch.
"
144652,"How do you confuse a drummer? Give him sheet music
"
128470,"Rick Ross on Valentines Day """"Shout out to all the pairs""""
"
14868,"A girl at the restaurant was about to eat her food before I stood up & yelled """"STOP. THIS IS NOT THE THIRD WORLD LADY. INSTAGRAM IT FIRST""""
"
120433,"I want to marry a girl from Prague I'll have a Czech mate
"
53874,"What do you say to a redhead who has just been insulted? Aw-burn!
"
142961,"Two really hot women are walking down the street... when a man who suffers from premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere...
"
153850,"Two Scottish ducks on a tandem... The one on the back says """"Quack!"""" The one on the front says """" Ah cannae go any quacker""""
"
147645,"Don't you hate that feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the  shower.
"
146253,"Nothing more American than getting on an airport's """"moving walkway"""" and standing still as it slowly carries you to a Cinnabon.
"
41450,"my dad suggested i sign up to be a organ donor he's a man after my own heart -masai graham
"
213117,"To determine how safe a neighborhood is, divide the number of white women carrying yoga mats by the number of signs saying 'Checks Cashed'
"
71702,"My favorite Yakov Smirnoff joke about the good old USSR. In America you find the party. In Russia the party finds you. Edit: in reference to the soviet party
"
174074,"Life is like a roller coaster... The easiest part is the beginning, the rest is a non-stop pain in the ass.
"
67064,"What 6 inches goes to your mouth? Toothbrush...you dirty bastard
"
219531,"I like working out. Sometimes I still feel like I have the body of a teenager, but then I remember I buried that slut like, a week ago.
"
111043,"I was hitting the random button at the top what are the chances of getting """"Ask Reddit"""" 10 times in a row?
"
160898,"When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
"
184742,"Why was the Easter Egg so happy? He just got laid by some chick!
"
83817,"What type of shoes does a pedophile wear? White Vans. Creds to a friend of mine :)
"
88842,"I've never had a beard and don't know if I like it, but it's growing on me.  I'll go now.
"
197039,"What country has the shittiest beaches? India.
"
107787,"How are mashed potatoes similar to an online college degree? If it ends up on your wall, you're probably retarded.
"
131320,"Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. Or going to a 7am meeting where my client will ream my ass and I'll just suck up to him. Whatever.
"
213559,"I waited a long time for my testicles to descend When one finally did I had an inaugural ball
"
85616,"My wife heard it's seductive to bite her lip... I don't have the heart to tell her it's meant to be the bottom one.
"
34095,"Intelligent people are some of the biggest idiots I've ever met.
"
71711,"Everyday, I brush my teeth & say """"That's it. You can't squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube."""" Then everyday, I do.
"
18967,"Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming """"Are you sleeping?!?!""""
"
81430,"Honey, I just won the lottery! -- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases! -- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing? -- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow!
"
176192,"""""WHAT DO WE WANT?"""" """"A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN'T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN"""" """"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"""" ... """"shit""""
"
128368,"Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.
"
108583,"After ironing my shirt I noticed it was depressed, I still can't believe it hung itself though.
"
58045,"if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it's the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
"
53317,"One time I asked """"What would Jesus do?"""" & then a close friend betrayed me & everyone started misinterpreting what I said for their own gain.
"
152818,"So I was at my local dyslexia meeting... And my friend turned to me and said, """"can you smell gas?"""" I replied, """"are you kidding? I can't even smell my own name.""""
"
94986,"""""What else can we think about?""""- Insomnia
"
125802,"Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything's a birdhouse now
"
96113,"Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy Judge: what's upsexy? [lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
"
167514,"JK Rowling has written an explanation on Pottermore for a spell that makes your legs fall off It's called the Pistorious spell.
"
160715,"What did the colon tell the large intestine after several hours' worth of diarrhoea? """"Get your shit together""""
"
55088,"Bartender: """"Do you want a drink, miss?""""nnMe: """"What are my choices?""""nnBartender: """"Yes or No.""""
"
206737,"Dude just knocked on my door... selling raffle tickets for black orphans, I said fuck that, with my luck I'd probably win one.
"
346,"Do you hate yourself? Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs? Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles? *hands you a cat*
"
81379,"The GOP should be like a good hand in Bridge No Trump
"
36874,"You're so beautiful I can't describe it with words.. but numbers can. 3/10.
"
37905,"I watched an Indian weapon dancing ritual today It was pretty Sikh.
"
1646,"I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch. I can't afford her, but you probably could. *(one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)*
"
196619,"To make a long story short: Hamlet: Everyone dies Macbeth: Everyone dies Titanic: Everyone dies Twilight: You want to die
"
66379,"Went to a nude beach today and let me tell you- I had a lot of women's attention. I could just feel them dressing me with their eyes.
"
175074,"Did you hear about the chickpea freedom fighters? They call themselves Hummas.
"
211001,"The ultimate masochist The submissive: Hit me!!! The masochist: No...
"
95238,"A girl said she met me at the vegetarian meetup... I don't think I've met herbivore.
"
21536,"When i fart I always tell my gf that it were butterfly's that did'nt know the way to my heart.
"
211229,"How do you greet a three-headed monster? Hi, hi, hi.
"
91496,"Magicians in The Future """"I need a volunteer. Hmm... Yes, you! The attack helicopter in the red shirt!""""
"
89142,"I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.
"
201516,"Is your name Malaysian Airlines? Cause baby, i'm lost in you.
"
136606,"What's Donald Trump's favorite drink? A White Russian.   I'm so sorry.
"
104619,"Dr: do you know why you gained weight? *Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele* Me: no, better run some tests
"
144990,"When do clocks die?When their time is up.
"
44913,"What's a Pirates favorite letter? You would think its R, but but it's really the C!
"
162418,"Apple Store robbed The Apple Store in Regents Street, London, was robbed this morning. Police are appealing for an iWitness!
"
72883,"diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.
"
137972,"What is it called when Anakin licks Padme's Butt? An outer-rim job
"
220664,"A wizard walks into a gay bar... And disappears with a poof.
"
24294,"I went to see my Coincidental Hygenist the other day. Turns out she was one of my friends from high school.
"
58525,"Why do Jewish men get circumcised as youth. Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.
"
208435,"Why did the girl loaf of stale bread slap the boy loaf of stale bread? Because he tried to get fresh.
"
106524,"Feeling sad because my hamster died... Well he's not 'technically' dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days.
"
87267,"My car is probably the most expensive bird toilet I own.
"
9389,"Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
"
99291,"What do you call a white Arab prince? A milk sheikh
"
25298,"There's a hole in the nudist camp's wall The police are looking into it.
"
7733,"Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? B: What? You aren't doing anything M: sorry I'm super high. What was the question?
"
62979,"Food is like dark humour... Not everyone gets it.
"
205485,"Donald Trump becomes President. Thats it. That is the joke.
"
9755,"Do you know why one side of the V Is slightly larger when birds fly together? Because there are more birds on that side.
"
177818,"Me: """"Hey Siri, I nee-..."""" Siri: """"Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.""""
"
72519,"A lady went to the hospital after her husband beat her black and blue... After examining her under the bright lights, the doctor sent the white and gold lady home.
"
214089,"I gave my car some heroine and now it's a plane. Too bad it will eventually crash.
"
112173,"Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too,,,,just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!
"
69360,"I make my girlfriend work out 5 times a week and eat healthy. I don't want her getting fat like my wife.
"
224776,"Is it still casual sex if you're wearing a tuxedo?
"
227940,"LPT: If you're single this weekend, remember... Name your hands and you'll have an instant threesome! Happy Valentine's day!
"
96724,"how many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh TEN TICKLES AHAHAHHAHAHAHA this is my favorite joke
"
153998,"My 8 year old brother just asked me if I had a hole in my sock. Me: Of course not Him: Then how do you put your foot inside?
"
160666,"Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license? Because it means they *cantaloupe*
"
167780,"Nodoze - original Q: Why did the guy eat a bicycle with training wheels when he had to pull an allnighter? A: Because it was for tired.
"
151717,"How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide? Dress them up as dead lions
"
126782,"My walk of shame is when i'm going home from an Adam Sandler movie.
"
75142,"Best book quotes out of context Touching the void: 'Fuck me, it's enormous!'
"
172446,"Golfer: """"Do you think I can get there with a  5-iron?"""" Caddy: """"Eventually.""""
"
59346,"Me: this doesn't seem right Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists M: yeah D: im the one *he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
"
142063,"Me: """"This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones"""" """"Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys""""
"
64948,"""""McDonald's sales soar thanks to all day breakfast"""" In unrelated news toilet paper stocks have risen and plumber businesses have been unable to keep up with demands for work.
"
57846,"I told my wife .. if she ever wanted to try anal sex, I'd be behind her all the way.
"
4462,"Where is Donald Trump gonna put all of the illegal immigrants once he arrests them? Juantanamo
"
218377,"Not a very good poem. I dig. He digs. She digs. We dig. They dig. Everyone digs. I know it's not a very good poem, but it's very deep.
"
55354,"I asked my wife if it was still necessary to get her a card for valentines day even after 5 years of marriage. She said yes and the only card she wanted was VISA.
"
121068,"What was Superman's first job? A Clark.
"
96807,"A blonde and a burnette are on opposite sides of a river... The burnette yells to the blonde """"how do I get to the other side?"""" The blonde yells back """"you are on the other side!""""
"
176091,"Why did the chicken cross the road To see the ugly man. Knock knock Who's there? The chicken.
"
109491,"My whore sister wants to get a tramp stamp of a barcode. I guess so guys in the club can do a price check.
"
134493,"What is a group of gay pirates favorite pastime? Pegging each other's booty
"
80232,"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Hide all that weed because police lights are too.
"
207884,"What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he's raping someone? """"Come with me if you want to live!""""
"
140790,"[meeting a couple at dog park] """"BARK BARK!"""" GF: He's usually not like this [pulls me aside] GF: Stop yelling bark bark at those nice people
"
140853,"If I had a choice between stairs and a runged instrument for ascending things... I would choose the ladder.
"
142658,"Me: *opens door* Yes? Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord? Me: ..Of The Rings? Him: Uh No.. *door slam*
"
142106,"My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
"
151635,"I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was 'damn you 2016!' but then i realized it was just his birthday.
"
58545,"What's the difference between Bad Jokes and Dad Jokes? One starts with B and the otber starts with D
"
61218,"[Speech Therapy] Therapist: Repeat after me: I'm thirsty Dad: I'm...thirsty T: I'm hungry D: I'm...H...Hi Hungry, I'm Dad T: *throws clipboard*
"
198967,"The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
"
210029,"This is the story of a man named Jack. Jack was, well lets just say he was a repairman. One day while repairing the shingles on a rooftop, Jack got stuck. Will you help Jack off?
"
128422,"Some people are like clouds.. ..Once they fuck off it's a nice day.
"
93401,"Why was the killer's watch arrested? Because it was proven to be accessory to murder.
"
163784,"Why did the Dino Dance Team fail the Talent Show? They were all Nervous-Rex
"
229875,"I have sex daily. I mean, dyslexia! Fcuk
"
154327,"A black guy and a Puerto Rican guy are carpooling to work together.
"
45790,"OF COURSE IT'S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
"
160021,"Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is!
"
94273,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Andy ! Andy who ? Andy little gadgets to have door knockers !
"
127581,"Why was Donald Duck arrested? He was high on quack.
"
63518,"I just saw a fat ginger girl buying a rape whistle. God I love her optimism.
"
216018,"What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pumpkin.
"
1367,"Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.
"
89775,"What's common between Hillary and Bill Clinton? A jew blowing their presidency
"
135249,"Sign language is pretty handy.
"
210718,"Had a German plumber over today And he managed to plug our gas line to the shower. Guess old habits is hard to get out of Edit: spelling
"
166194,"Why did Tupac go to the gym? To get a sixpac! (Thank you 7th grade me)
"
155663,"Why were the dyslexic lesbians frustrated? They kept trying 96 but couldn't make each other cum.
"
123360,"Bert and Ernie are at the beach on a hot summer's afternoon... Bert pulls out his cooler and opens it up. """"Do you want some ice cream, Ernie?"""" """"Sure Bert.""""
"
129870,"I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
"
80640,"Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
"
57306,"What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino
"
175346,"Lazlo's Chinese relativity axiom No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats-approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less,
"
229126,"Gays are leading the fight against overpopulation and we need to join them in this fight before it's too late! But first...
"
183865,"If the rapper Logic had an evil twin... His name would be Psycho-Logic.
"
136355,"Well, I just had this Epiphany, but I'm a little worried ... I think she might be underage.
"
139083,"What do you call an arabian cop? Sher-if
"
70248,"Trail mix? You mean M&M's with obstacles.
"
177559,"Why are fish cleverer than humans? Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
"
26926,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Belize ! Belize who ? Belize yourself then !
"
95274,"Fox News' slogan is """"Fair and Balanced"""". That's it. That's the joke.
"
148429,"What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car? Robin, get in the car.
"
66440,"Me: What are my choices again? Pollster: Donald Trump... Me: Or? Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby. Me: ... Pollster: Well? Me: I'm thinking.
"
167682,"*night falls, the full moon rises* ME: go, please! i don't want you to see me...like...this HIM: omg what's happening ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
"
30880,"So, two muffins are sitting in an oven.... So two muffins are sitting in an oven and one says to the other, """"Man, its hot in here."""" The other muffin replied, """"OH MY GOSH! A TALKING MUFFIN!""""
"
592,"Fun typo: """"You ate the most important thing in my life.""""
"
50256,"Anyone wanting to hide information from me should just put it in a spreadsheet and email it to me.
"
21807,"Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
"
189994,"Bluegrass music It's finger pickin' good!
"
186751,"What are the best funny fake names you know?? I submit - Craven Moorehead
"
67539,"Lindsey Lohan is going to be charged with a felony tomorrow. In other news, restaurants serve food.
"
229213,"Like the man who has run out kleenexes... this is bound to come in handy!
"
177766,"I like my women like I like my clothesline. Strung out and tied up.
"
29546,"I'm in a very serious relationship with Batman. My beloved Baeman.
"
72417,"What do you call a Jewish cop? Kosher Pork.
"
161261,"Have you heard of the movie called """"Diarrhea""""? It's okay if you haven't - it was a quick release.
"
169971,"I missed your birthday because I didn't log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
"
19147,"Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband's BMW
"
121447,"What's Donald Trump's favorite kind of bubble gum? Bigly chew.
"
168486,"Single people think marriage is just a word ... Once you are married you realize it's a sentence.
"
75282,"I started 2016 with a goal to lose 20 pounds Only 30 more to go and I'm there!
"
98266,"[Ouija Board] """"Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets"""" You'll die soon """"OMG HOW"""" Hold on I have another call
"
52000,"Blind man walks past a fishmongers """"hello ladies!""""
"
222192,"Quick! Can fingerprints be pulled off a raccoon? No time! NO TIME!
"
44296,"Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal  village? Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).
"
167634,"I remember when my son fell asleep at a house party we had. I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face. My wife went mental when she picked him up to change his nappy.
"
162960,"Ahmed went to have a Falafel. He asked the guy making the sandwich not to put any pickles in it. The guy replies """"But we're fresh out of pickles! How about no tomatoes instead?""""
"
62390,"If I can't pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as """"bro.""""
"
159777,"How do you make a Snowman smile? Tell him the snowblower is coming.
"
222939,"What's a pirates favorite type of fish? GAAAARRRRRRRR!!! Edit: I beat ya guys to it. Ha
"
100960,"I bought 37 self-help books today... I just couldn't help myself.
"
210709,"I'm gonna play on a Slip n' Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
"
175054,"My black friend asked me... My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said """"What the fuck man it's, 2016, you can use whatever printer you want"""".
"
148853,"Is it just a coincidence that you turn purple when you choke? skol
"
123718,"The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
"
100048,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Zero, feminists can't change anything.
"
106009,"What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest? Alien vs. Predator
"
6700,"My life flashed before my eyes... ...Turns out I'm epileptic and died from the seizure.
"
131829,"*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
"
51974,"What did France say to Turkey? That's not nice.
"
111165,"George Michael is recording a song to help promote the end of sectarian violence in the Middle East. It's called """"I Want Your Sects.""""
"
172726,"A taser but for people who say """"it is what it is"""".
"
188838,"Why was the mushroom a hit at parties? Because he was a *fungi*
"
56480,"If you play Apple's Beatle announcement backwards it says """"I can't believe you don't know how to download music illegally""""
"
168009,"What do my boyfriend and the internet have in common [NSFW] They both go down during sexy times
"
36953,"Why did the poor dog chase his own tail ? He was trying to make both ends meet !
"
231174,"What did the grilled Seabass say at the Nuremberg trials? I was only following hors d'oeuvres.
"
33507,"What do Pedophiles hand out after dinner? Under eights
"
169347,"I've found that most girls make a lot of noise in the bedroom... Usually right after they see me at the window.
"
80380,"What does the chemistry teacher like to do with his dead bodies after he kills 'em? Barium.
"
190954,"Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep. He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
"
222454,"What was the other reindeer's name? Olive. EDIT: Please don't explain and let those suffer who don't understand
"
62763,"They say eye contact in job interviews is important, but try sticking a finger in the interviewer's eye and they always get mad.
"
67919,"Didja hear that Israel's Chief Rabbi has told Israeli LGBT's that they will no longer be allowed to speak Hebrew ... wait for it ... Yeah - they're gonna have to speak Shebru instead ...
"
154690,"isis was planning to use biological warfare against David Cameron... but they got anthrax mixed up with tampax and poisoned the wrong cunt
"
208670,"I like my beer like i like my violence.. Domestic.
"
71230,"today i saw a dog barking at a ball and i thougt, ah yes, good dog. i too curse the very things which bring me joy
"
119595,"SpaceX to begin development on their new pocket rocket. For when you want an *explosive* orgasm.
"
55573,"What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man.
"
187886,"What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea? He died in his teepee
"
134558,"What do you call a bus on its way to Comic Con? Virgin Mobile
"
161389,"Why does the communist party hate planes? Because they're always Stalin
"
226348,"Mirror Mirror on the Wall... What is my focal point?
"
80648,"What's the difference between a worm and an apple ? Have you ever tried worm pie ?!
"
135029,"Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot! Me winking and leaning on the stove: You're Hot, Baby. 911: What's your emergency?
"
46678,"If a man tells you he'll fix it, he will fix it. There is no need to incessantly remind him about it every 5 to 6 months.
"
115968,"Heading to work this morning there was a car parked on the train tracks, with a bumper sticker that said """"Honk if you love Jesus!"""" That train engineer must have REALLY loved Jesus.
"
71207,"What is this 'wrong hole' you people speak of?
"
130720,"What do you call a dear with no eyes? No Idea
"
32968,"I went to the store to buy condoms, the cashier asked me if I needed a bag. I told her """"No, she's not that ugly""""
"
192791,"Why would I go to a high school reunion? I have Facebook, I already know who got fat.
"
183920,"What do coffee beans say to scare their friends? Brew.
"
19927,"Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
"
4083,"I'm writing a movie script about a group of Kenyan refugees who are breaking track records in a suburban American high school... I call it, """"Fast times at Ridgemont High""""
"
200958,"Got let out of prison today. The warden turned and asked """"can you take any positives from your time in here?"""" I smiled """"Yeah actually, the wife can't ever call me a tight arsed bastard again""""
"
4003,"Conjecture: At some point in 2013, our neighbors will get so high that they accidentally sell their own weed. For weed money. To buy weed.
"
183684,"What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
"
141410,"Donald Trump has a new plan for solving the conflict of interest of him owning his business empire and being President He's going to put America into a blind trust.
"
124412,"Whats the difference between a black man and Batman? Batman can go to a store without robin.
"
68805,"What is Son Goku's least liked food? Vegetta balls
"
89582,"What is the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple waits until your 12 to come on your face
"
92548,"Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother's love isn't enough for him. #IfYourMomWroteYourTwitterBio
"
33697,"What's the difference between mathematicians and Syrian refugees? Mathematicians don't struggle with integration.
"
80945,"I'll have a Venti Vodka please.
"
22844,"What do you call a two dentists that live on opposite sides of the world? Molar opposites.
"
166061,"MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
"
64884,"The phrase, """"Don't take this the wrong way"""" has a zero percent success rate.
"
103896,"You've got to hand it to short people. Because sometimes they can't reach.
"
85353,"""""If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly how did it fall off?"""" Interviewer: I meant about the job. Me: Oh.... no I'm good.
"
47328,"Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby? Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
"
27999,"Pretty sure California's water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I've lazily kicked under the fridge.
"
33435,"My daughter just lost her first tooth! That'll teach her to talk back.
"
67707,"Son have I told you about the birds & the bees? Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about
"
178508,"What do colleges and penises have in common? They're both long and hard, unless you're Asian.
"
184825,"If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I'm gonna stab you.
"
196948,"What's the difference between a pizza and a prostitute? You can order one of them without mushrooms.
"
34857,"What is the British equivalent of wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am? """"Honey!"""" [Nut] """"Cheerio!""""
"
51458,"My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I'm working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
"
13775,"What do you get hanging from orange trees? Sore arms.
"
206155,"Recently found out I'm not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said """"Satin"""". Oops.
"
173854,"A terrorist walks into a pet store and says """"You have 5 minutes to get out of here...I'm going to blow myself up."""" Tortoise : Dafuq :-/
"
70239,"I was confused why my college wanted me to report my Mexican friend to the police Then j realised they were just asking me to turn in my essay.
"
91548,"I used to have Osama Bin Laden as a contact. I removed him because he was blowing up my phone. Oh god this that was so shitty.
"
183552,"There's a difference between having a unique name and a regular name that's spelled wrong.
"
71130,"Some pretzels are totally weird... They're knot for eating.
"
38613,"Who's a gamers favourite Asian Lo Ping
"
36443,"What's brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with """"C"""" and ends with """"T"""", and has a """"U"""" and an """"N"""" in it? A coconut.
"
106990,"What are the sexiest farm animals? Brown chicken, Brown cow!
"
180588,"If you couldn't tell, I am into fitness. Fitness whole slice of pizza into my mouth!
"
8632,"The Three Unwritten Rules Of Life 1. 2. 3.
"
178939,"My mom asked me what causes dwarfism... I told her I didn't know as it is of little interest to me.
"
226340,"Is there a month between April and June? May be
"
214291,"A frog goes into a bank... Only to *robbit*.
"
107069,"[1st date] [to self] Don't let her know ur a boa constrictor Her: """"How's your meal?"""" [i've dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
"
192144,"Vodka and I go together like falling down the stairs and getting fucked in my sleep.
"
27901,"What's the only thing a feminist is going to change? The Laundry
"
130488,"(NSFW) What do you call a black pilot? A pilot, you racist fucks...
"
172760,"Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
"
57399,"According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.
"
152947,"Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
"
109926,"A philosopher asked, """"what's worse, ignorance or apathy?"""" The pupil replied, """" I don't know, and I don't care!""""
"
120632,"What does a novice woodworker have in common with a constipated woodworker? In the end, both are lucky to produce a stool.
"
12189,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Tyson.
"
151089,"Have you ever tried to eat a clock? I heard it's very time consuming.
"
1656,"My nutritionist said that instead of eating three big cheeseburgers I should have multiple, smaller cheeseburgers throughout the day
"
9591,"What keyboard layout does Miley Cyrus use? TWERQY.
"
187257,"Willpower? Sure. It's in the garage with my unicorn.
"
61813,"What did the Mexican firefighter call his son?? Jose
"
40751,"Pretty woman wouldn't have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.
"
14812,"Kind of morbid (sorry) (From my uncles) Him: Have you ever fucked a dog as long as you wanted? Me: NO! Him: Why'd you stop?
"
202623,"I was told not to say the word """"Hell"""" and should say something else instead... So I said, """"How about H E double dildos.""""
"
83816,"I think gallows humor is gaining popularity. Then again, I wouldn't know. I'm always out of the loop.
"
228426,"I couldn't see my dad anymore after his sex change. He's transparent.
"
129214,"What do you call Muhammad Ali after he eats lots of beans? Gaseous Clay
"
3948,"My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker... ...Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
"
184321,"Richard Nixon makes a really awful dinner for his wife. He defends himself by saying """"I am not a cook"""".
"
136531,"When they buried the man who invented Tetris the whole cemetry disappeared.
"
174580,"Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.
"
8353,"Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15. Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.
"
172241,"Who did the dyslexic man sell his soul to? Santa. /cringe
"
65172,"When starting a new relationship it's important to remember that someone already screwed them up for you.
"
93171,"Why did 6 break up with 7? Because 7 ate 9 out
"
133322,"""""Fluffy died today"""" """"Oh my god I'm so sorry, was he a cat or dog? """"He was a boa constrictor"""" """"Well that made me feel better""""
"
125369,"*coughs like a maniac* *pretends to pick nose* *scratches armpit* Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.
"
69568,"Why did Jeffrey Dahmer fuck his corpses? He already had a skin lamp, but he didn't have a flesh light
"
5548,"Texting someone back while driving just means that you love them enough to actually die for them.
"
153883,"It's funny how you become mom's new favorite when your sibling is in jail.
"
212068,"What's the worst part of going to a southern family reunion? Seeing your ex.
"
132745,"Then there was the Puerto Rican surgeon who made medical history. He performed the first appendix  transplant.
"
57743,"did u hear about the crow that landed a job? he works in a caw center. he's winging it for now but it might take off
"
229600,"2 cannibals are eating a clown... """"....does this taste funny to you?""""
"
85121,"My brother shit himself.... my mom said holy shit
"
179298,"Level of singleness: yelling, """"pizza's here!"""" So the delivery man doesn't think all the pizza is just for me...
"
223105,"A subscription to *Time* is not the most difficult concept to get your head around. I've told you: *Time* and *Time* again.
"
28163,"Dad rocks,son shocked! Son - """"Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"""" Dad - """"Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential.""""
"
89011,"I'm going to a Pearl Harbor Day party later on. I'm totally going to get bombed! *Now... give me your downvotes... yes, I feed upon your scorn!*
"
185191,"I am friends with 25 letters from the alphabet I don't know y EDIT: Credits to Chris Turner.
"
660,"Why do elephants have 4 feet? Because in the animal kingdom 6 inches just wont do
"
165031,"Did you hear about the wrestler who was beaten by a vampire? He was down for the count
"
13407,"What do you call a fat person with a flat butt? A hipobottomless
"
15153,"What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before they got married? Feyonce
"
30350,"I wonder if when a porn shop owner gets married, he accidentally tapes over his porn with wedding footage
"
16529,"Another blonde joke A professor told his class: """"Fame will come to you only after you succeed!"""" A blonde asked, """"Who is 'Seed'?""""
"
144926,"My new girlfriend says a small penis doesn't bother her... ... but I wish she wouldn't have one at all.
"
133691,"If it's important to you, you will find a way to make it happen. If it's not, you will find an excuse.
"
156000,"My parents always told me that I'd get nowhere sitting on my ass all day. little do they know, I just had the greatest shit yesterday.
"
144048,"John Cena pay-per-view matches don't sell anymore in the UK. Because when John Cena visits UK, EU can't see him. *Ba dum tss*
"
226704,"Money money money A jewish boy said to his father, """"Dad, can I borrow $50 dollars?"""" His father replied, """"$40 dollars!? What do you need $30 dollars for!?""""
"
167534,"What does a British guy say when he beats an Eastern European at chess? Czechmate
"
141147,"What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie? """"Well doggone !""""
"
121511,"My wife is a sex object. Every time I want sex, she objects.
"
64100,"*Builds panic room out of Swiss cheese* *Fails to see holes in plan*
"
9843,"Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck? Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
"
191879,"When I """"rage against the machine"""" the machine is usually a printer.
"
171453,"If Bob Marley were alive today, what would he listen to music on? An iAndiPod. Just made that one up. I can hear the groans.
"
180256,"There was a half black, half Asian kid in my school. What did some kids call him? A """"Chigga"""" (i'm not a racist, but this made me laugh for long enough to post it here. Please don't get triggered)
"
341,"I was going to break up a fight between two Rabbis... But they were just arguing semitics.
"
95197,"What works in a circus walks a tightrope and has claws ? An acrocat !
"
68799,"""""Please. I need this"""" I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.
"
69474,"What is a hamburger's favourite story? Hansel and Gristle!
"
197785,"Q: What dinosaur would you find in a rodeo?  A: Bronco-saurus!
"
127652,"I walked into a store today... ...and they were selling explosives disguised as prayer mats. I wasn't one to judge them; after all, they'd said prophets were going through the roof.
"
57158,"I told you I'll be there in 5 minutes, stop calling me every half an hour!
"
163859,"White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.
"
33989,"What do you call a prostitute with her hands down her pants? Self-employed
"
136034,"Did you hear about that guy who was asked to be a Jehovah's witness?  - He refused becuase he hadn't seen the accident.
"
81899,"If you don't use a bottle opener to open your beer, you drink shitty beer.
"
23857,"Her: how are you Me: good Her: you sure? Me: yup Her: you're alright? Me: yes.. Her: really? Me: Her: are y-- Me: people like you go missing
"
218729,"""""Dr. Oz"""" sounds like the guy you'd buy shrooms from in community college.
"
17501,"What's the difference between a Southern wedding and a Southern tornado? Nothing - either way someone's gonna lose a trailer *shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams
"
55850,"[2:30AM] *it's quite late now. Let's make a call* *Hey Boss, are you sleepin?* [Yes you nerd, why?] *cause I'm still doing your stupid work*
"
26980,"What does a quantum physicist tell their toddler who keeps asking """"Why"""" over and over? """"Because I saw so.""""
"
145777,"Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
"
171687,"My gym sent me home for following their motto it's confusing, they need to change it to """"go hard and go home""""
"
98721,"I like my coffee like I like my women... In a burlap sack and on the back of a donkey.
"
60066,"Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run
"
167915,"Some guy walked up to me today and said I'm racist I told him I'm not racist. In fact my best friend was a black child until my dad sold him
"
202049,"Why do heroine addicts rarely have meetings late in the afternoon? Because it's dangerous to shoot for 3 or even 4.
"
97768,"Smartphones don't prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature. I just walked into a tree.
"
45876,"What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew? Harry Potter can escape the chambers
"
68863,"Last night I dreamed the oceans were made of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
"
153045,"I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80's cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
"
110860,"My poetry brings all the hipsters to the yard and they're like """"How Avant-garde""""
"
155730,"Success is just like being pregnant.
"
149923,"Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength? Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.
"
226556,"Got run over by a limo today Took fucking ages
"
212551,"[hunting] DAD: dont scare him ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute DEER: holy shit DAD: what did i just say
"
171140,"Why doesn't the weatherman just say cloudy with a 90% chance of bullshit? Because that's pretty much what the forecast has been lately.
"
69839,"A man walks into a mental hospital wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The clerk says to him, """"You definitely belong here, I can clearly see your nuts!""""
"
208272,"Two black men jumped off the building. Who reached the ground first? Noone cares.
"
198697,"My local bar had an amateur magic night, a gay magician sat on a bar stool and made it disappear. Thank you, I'll walk myself out.
"
62317,"The day I decided I wanted to do drugs Was the day I saw your crack
"
59522,"How do you count cows? with a cowculator.
"
60458,"Very sick man asks the doctor, """"how long do I have?"""" The doctor replies """"10."""" """"10? 10 years? 10 months? 10 what?"""" """"9...8...7...""""
"
111304,"The tree in my front yard is allergic to bees It always get hives
"
34797,"My sex-life is like a Ferrari, I don't have a Ferrari
"
79261,"What is your favorite dumb joke? here's mine :) Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? ....his ass.... :P
"
38144,"Getting married next week I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.
"
223401,"Me: Shot through the heart 911: What is your location? Me: And you're to blame 911: Pardon? Me: You give love a bad name 911: I'm hanging up
"
101208,"Is the capital of Kentucky pronounced Loo-ee-ville or Lou-vul? Neither, it's pronounced Frankfort.
"
94460,"""""911, what's your emergency?"""" Hi i need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now.
"
42829,"Two clowns capture a clown and drag him back to their village. As they're eating the clown one cannibal asks the other, """"Does this taste funny to you?""""
"
110228,"Stinky Bathroom... Know why my bathroom doesn't stink? I exhaust fan the shit out of it.
"
28482,"The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
"
68398,"When I die, I'm not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.
"
214302,"So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary's and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
"
149750,"What does velcro yell as it charges into battle? ATTACH!
"
182450,"My brother is deaf and watches porn I turned the volume to max in his pc
"
168714,"What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty
"
95525,"I opened a bar in the coal town of Gillette, WY. Unfortunately, I was shut down for serving miners.
"
33626,"What's brown and sticky? Muhammed Ali opening a can of coke
"
91324,"Jokes are like farts, if you have to force it, its probably shit
"
215500,"A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand... ... and he says """"Make me one with everything"""".
"
120191,"What tea do footballers drink? Penaltea!
"
53413,"What did Dave Grohl say when someone stole his Greek food? There goes my gyroooo
"
144430,"Why did the big pig want to go on stage? There was a lot of ham in him.
"
927,"What do you call a computer that only plays sad songs? Adele
"
225732,"*at a loud house party* Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I'D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER
"
81291,"A wizard walks in to a gay bar.. And disappears with a poof!
"
201723,"How has the guy who makes Capri Sun straw openings not been up for a job performance review?
"
186144,"Procrastination Paradox... If you come in last in a procrastination contest because you procrastinated, does that make you the best or worst at procrastinating...???
"
4412,"Q: Why are farmers cruel? A: They pull corn by the ears.
"
218191,"Just saw a girl in cutoff jean shorts so unbelievable short that you could see private parts sticking out the bottom of  mine.
"
186627,"How heavy is a Chinese dumpling? Wonton.
"
135373,"Guys, don't tell 9/11 jokes. They're just plane wrong
"
174121,"Umm Adele, have you tried texting?
"
168230,"What's worse than getting pissed off? Getting pissed on.
"
36048,"Put your GPS on full volume for your daily commute if you want to know what marriage is like.
"
217077,"/r/Jokes won the International Green Awards! 97% recycled content.
"
122531,"Should Female Freshmen Be Called Fresh Women?
"
17515,"I used to think drinking alcohol was bad for me... So I gave up thinking.
"
194669,"X used to mark the spot but.. fuck waiting for you to get it on your own X gon deliver to you
"
209123,"50 cent filed for bankruptcy he only had 50 cents
"
5922,"I went to the barbers today. My wife sent me a text that said we had a pipe leaking. I told the barber we're going to have to cut this short. I walked out with a buzz cut.
"
101408,"Little known fact: The toothbrush originated in Alabama. Everywhere else it was called a teethbrush.
"
226432,"hi (sorry for bad english)
"
202764,"Know how drunk girls go out of their way to insist how sober they are? The same rule applies to a guy who always talk about how """"big"""" he is.
"
161234,"*At the pearly gates* St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I'll show you around. Me: Sooo many oysters must've died to make this gate.
"
115824,"People think being a programmer is super exciting But sometimes it's just null and void.
"
108315,"What does sex and banks have in common? You put it in, you take it out, then you lose interest!
"
116041,"Have you heard about Will.i.am's new sitcom? My Name Is URL
"
228315,"What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
"
80895,"I once knew a soldier who suffered through both mustard gas and pepper spray. He was a seasoned veteran.
"
125243,"What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? America can't milk a cow for 14 years.
"
158252,"Therapy Me: she never tells me anything Her: He doesn't listen Me: that's bs gimme an example Her: I'm 8 months pregnant Me: WHOA
"
161820,"How convenient, I can cook this lasagna in the microwave in 30 seconds, or in my oven in 4 days.
"
86253,"What do you call a tavern that only serves non-alcoholic drinks? A pro-teen bar
"
22835,"Just heard they're investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT'S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
"
127309,"My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle - """"Take one multivitamin daily."""" Hmmm
"
228250,"14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing DOCTOR: That's normal at your age 14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor DOCTOR: That's not normal
"
35288,"How's the oil industry doing these days? It's in the tank.
"
194328,"What kind of drugs do ducks use? Quack.
"
24576,"North Koreans are huge Dark Souls fans They spend all their time praisin' the son.
"
11168,"What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks! And it sucks *hard*. (   )
"
217508,"What's the same between Brussel sprouts and anal sex? If you enjoy it as as an adult you hated it as a kid
"
213320,"Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor's sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
"
222971,"How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
"
46059,"What's green and can eat 50 hot dogs in a minute? Kobayoshi.
"
148722,"How do you get an emo out of a tree? Untie the rope...
"
179583,"I don't know, guys. The whole """"play dead when a bear attacks"""" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
"
135439,"Just bought a new disposable razor. Or a spaceship.
"
149267,"What do you call a possessed chicken? Poultrygeist.
"
166812,"I had sex with a pregnant woman last night Was also my first threesome
"
186639,"Just because your kid says, """"You're my hero"""" does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
"
63283,"Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the shit out of the dog.
"
157316,"What is the difference between a wife and a mistress? About 20kg.
"
208974,"What Does a Mexican Say When You Help Him Off the Lawn Gracias
"
156428,"Did you hear about the sly woodlands creature that was killed for his fur? He went from a cunning stoat to a stunning coat
"
197974,"What do you call a drill on the North Pole that just wants to get to know people? An icebreaker
"
91923,"How do you tell which nurse is the head nurse? shes the one with dirty knees
"
121505,"My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations.
"
155201,"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
"
29085,"What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Donald Trump never asked to have a lentil on his face.
"
9706,"most recent posts on this sub Knock knock Who's there? /r/jokes /r/jokes who? Hahahahahaha!!!! it's an inside joke
"
130651,"Did you hear about the guy who lost his left leg and arm in a car crash? He's all right now.
"
148810,"Religion is like a man's penis. It's okay to have one, it's fine to be proud of it, but don't go around shoving it in people's faces and jamming it down children's throats.
"
53147,"I mean, really though, who hasn't seen a UFO at this point?
"
129739,"""""Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out.."""" -first taxidermist
"
79482,"What does a gay cow eat? Haaaay!
"
183479,"Why is the Democratic electoral landscape like a Moebius strip? Cause no matter what you do, there always seems to be a Clinton claiming to be """"on your side"""" . . .
"
67775,"If a man says he is going to fix something he will. There is no need for a women to ask every 6 months about it
"
133582,"How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes a doctor and two nurses to get it out.
"
165272,"I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, """"We're all so very, very rich.""""
"
53891,"NASA was planning on building a restaurant on the moon They cancelled because they figured it wouldn't have any atmosphere.
"
70284,"Don't mind me The real joke is always in the comments. I'm just waiting for it.
"
112670,"What do you call a steak that is cooked wrong? A mistake
"
90653,"""""It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve."""" -confused homophobe
"
27050,"Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs. Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
"
10494,"Have you heard of the new Xman? Caitlyn Jenner
"
179189,"Favorite Mythological Creature Someone on tumblr who isn't oppressed
"
24204,"Him: You smell good...what are you wearing? Me: Weed.
"
50129,"Man: You've brought religion into my life. Woman: Really? How? Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.
"
43670,"Friends are like ants if you burn them, they die.
"
110046,"From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette? Your camera.
"
7967,"My roommate said he gets laid ten times more than me. 0x10=0
"
44564,"Me: pew pew...pew pew pew Guy at next urinal: Please stop
"
35852,"Which ghost sailed the seven seas  looking for rubbish and blubber? The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
"
228393,"What's it called when an Asian man gives his best friend head? A bro job.
"
210963,"What did Water say to Fire when they met for the first time? Shhhhhhh.
"
75998,"How many A.D.D. kids does it take to change a light bulb? Look a squirrel!
"
82584,"Trying to make a collage for my preschooler's art project using magazine cut-outs, but I keep ending up with ransom notes.
"
209918,"what's for dinner? ME: indian we had indian last night ME: i know, but i forgot to do the 'i see a little sillhouetto of a naan' joke so
"
179118,"How did the musician catch his fish? He castanet
"
33241,"Submarines are just hipster boats.
"
184263,"Temples are free to enter but still empty. Pubs charge to enter, but are full. People ignore inner peace &choose; to pay for self destruction
"
61873,"I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China... but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.
"
12803,"If jews had a planet I would call it Jewpiter
"
188821,"Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say """"Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.""""
"
49054,"Me: Goodnight moon Moon: night. Me: What? Moon: nothing. It's fine. Me: You're acting distant Moon: I'm 238,900 miles away
"
154818,"Why is Reddit tired of the broken arms joke? Because it appears in every mother fucking thread
"
81991,"if you ask a veteran if they've killed anyone and they say they don't like to talk about it, that means no
"
126293,"What do fruit punch and a punch to the face have in common? Both can knock you out at a party.
"
127485,"Girl, is your name Hoover? Cuz damn!
"
74501,"A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
"
207102,"What did the momma hawk say to her chicks? Quit falcon around or get the flock outta here!
"
110414,"I wrote on my stereo in marker that this is the loudest stereo of all time. I was stereotyping
"
24400,"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
"
66910,"What did the A/C unit say when it suddenly turned on? """"Sorry, I just needed to vent""""
"
13285,"On this day in history: people related to you whose names you do not know performed actions that were never recorded.
"
122458,"My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars
"
78099,"[Meta] the number of subscribers in this sub is a joke right? Did I miss something?
"
196534,"What do you get with breaking news? Newscasts
"
104744,"My mum said that if I don't get off reddit and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
"
52597,"What do you call a crappy skin cream? DisappointmentTM
"
25778,"What happened when Hitler got bratwurst juice in his eye? He could Nazi! LMFAO
"
218811,"Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
"
176359,"Sex is a dick activity... ...though I like to shorten it to a-dick-tive.
"
197117,"How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.
"
174258,"Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: """"Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.""""
"
14828,"What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? The Holocaust
"
104637,"My penis is only two inches From the floor
"
34386,"What do you call a self absorbed lobster? A little shellfish! I'll^see^myself^out...
"
145431,"What weapons do pengiuns have? Pen-guinades.
"
56611,"I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
"
8966,"just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
"
225310,"What do you call 20,000 lawyers under the sea? A good start.
"
47990,"the most American thing I've done today is pay $5 for a pre-sliced apple
"
221307,"Knock knock Whos there? Im a peace op! Im a peace op who?
"
130561,"What's the difference between a pig and a dwarf janitor? One is messy, and the other is a little cleaner.
"
198482,"What's the difference between... A gold fish and a mountain goat? One mucks about the mountain. What's the difference between a police batton and a magician's wand? One is used for cunning stunts.
"
19004,"I just ran into my barber on the street. He asked me how I liked the haircut he gave me last week. I told him it's growing on me.
"
32209,"What does a fat person, a match, and a phone have in common? Cellulite.
"
61786,"Stop advertising your relationship on Facebook not everyone wants to see you happy.
"
90690,"Carpentry isn't what Jesus Christ is most known for because he was bored with nails.
"
163355,"My wife says she is really looking forward to the hotel... But I have my reservations.
"
206570,"Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
"
74058,"I crossed a Lhasa Apso with a Shih tzu. But all I got was Lhasa Shit.
"
138633,"A rabbi, a nun, and a horse walk into a bar, bartender says """"What is this, some kind of joke?""""
"
7096,"I like my weekdays like Marx likes his societies. Classless.
"
175039,"Government Shutdown: Day 4 3am: Monkey House, National Zoo A door crashes open. A triumphant screech. Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
"
32664,"Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long? A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
"
180939,"This 5 year old is taking a call from his secret agent on a calculator and now I hate my phone.
"
4948,"The reason you can't go back after going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.
"
70824,"Two paratrooper recruits in a plane: - Are you crazy Vasily? You are going to jump without a parachute. - Is it mandatory to wear it? - Sure. It's raining outside.
"
114131,"hear about the guy who got an Indian tattooed on his arm his arm stopped working
"
79198,"I thought about starting a business selling halos... ...but the cost of overheads was too high.
"
123331,"What do North Korea and my girlfriend have in common? Neither want me coming inside them.
"
77874,"What did the stressed-out casino worker say to their boss? I literally cannot deal.
"
199713,"If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
"
39402,"Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?
"
38379,"Whats the hardest part about being a pedophile? Trying to fit in.
"
230201,"Want to hear a joke about potassium? K. I was gonna tell a joke about sodium but then I was like, Na.
"
194222,"ladies call me a keyboard cus i'm always in front of the computer and i've got crumbs in all my crevices
"
116256,"The problem with being an alcoholic time traveller is not being able to remember a single thing about tomorrow.
"
182702,"How do you get your husband to eat shit? Wipe forward!
"
124575,"How did the hipster burn their tongue? They drank their tea before it was cool.
"
60750,"I pulled a girl in a nightclub last night. She said """"What the fuck are you doing"""" and walked back out.
"
221429,"You know you need to lose weight........... when your girlfriend wants to suck your tits.
"
194255,"What do you call someone who only speaks one language? American
"
202787,"Just wrote a musical composition about pedophiles... """"Dick"""" in A minor
"
136609,"Have you heard about the new Scientologist car? It's got cruise control...
"
211855,"'...um....' - the first cow ever milked
"
78771,"Let's get a beer Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
"
231488,"The toothbrush was probably invented in Arkensas Anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
"
211532,"It's kind of bullshit that humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want.
"
225818,"Don't model myself after Marilyn Monroe, but having imperfections & dying naked in bed clutching bottles of pills & champagne seems doable.
"
109410,"Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic. That's like Betty White going out and getting her tits done.
"
184013,"And then I realized, it's not that I love documentaries. I just love establishing shots of courthouses.
"
126280,"Which is the worst career choice? Dentistry in Britain? Nutritionist in the Midwest? North Pole stripper during an antifreeze shortage?
"
53792,"My Mother in law said to me: """"I'll dance on your grave, when you're dead"""" """"Good!"""" I said, """"I'm being buried at sea.""""
"
149503,"Did you hear about the Spanish Fire Brigade jose and hose b
"
121690,"Stop fcukin whining about being alone and lower your standards like the rest of us.
"
134467,"I dont't want to die a virgin because that means I'll have to have sex with terrorists.
"
116166,"The comment threads on YouTube are the trailer parks of the Internet.
"
201748,"How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By walking. Jk. Rowling
"
69848,"What do you call a communnist sniper? A Marxman
"
216751,"I'm a social person. I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
"
161382,"What does a carpenter do after one night stand? A matching one for the other side of the bed.
"
154161,"How To Talk To A Woman Wearing Headphones 1. Create a podcast
"
109000,"Donald trumps next book should be called ... The gift of the grab.
"
4999,"I like my cigarettes like my Instagram. \#nofilter Edit: learned formatting
"
146689,"This morning I saw a lady scraping the ice off her wind shield with her credit card. ..She's not going to make any progress at that rate.
"
179354,"Whats E.T.'s first name? Yodela
"
19922,"What do outlaws eat with their milk? Crookies.
"
11349,"On a scale of 1 to 10 How old is your girlfriend?
"
112303,"""""susan. SUSAN IT'S WORKING GET IN HERE"""" -Moses practicing parting the water in the bathtub
"
220541,"Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it
"
10426,"Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike  Tyson? He thought he would give him a paunch!
"
82846,"Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet? Because they often spend years at C EDIT: made it more punny
"
71192,"What's Green and Smells like Pork? Kermit's Finger
"
211943,"Wind turbines. I'm a big fan.
"
9101,"International Women's Day That's the joke
"
195675,"You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your """"hell"""" is.
"
63816,"How come Jews run the world? Because they dominate the gas industry
"
63937,"What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? I don't know, but it sure can pick strawberries.
"
20799,"If CERN's Large Hadron Collider creates a black hole that destroys earth would that make it a weapon of math destruction?
"
148283,"Just observed a dwarf making a complaint at customer service. He said """"I'm not happy"""" I leaned in and asked """"Then which one are you?""""
"
183140,"'I Now Pronounce You Man and WiFi'
"
106328,"I spent 20 years traversing across the globe searching for the best mustache... ... Until I realized the best mustache was right under my nose the whole time
"
115470,"When is the worst time to get Cancer? North of the equator.
"
110419,"Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff ba dum tsssshhh
"
111037,"What do you call a crushed angle? A RECTANGLE !
"
17724,"Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David  hit him with a slingshot? A. The thought had never entered his head before.
"
151285,"Which is the month in which women talk the least? February... because it has the least number of days
"
90678,"Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
"
3612,"What do you call a yak that wants to talk to you about a network marketing opportunity? A cognac
"
116227,"Donald Trump is probably the closest we'll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
"
48790,"COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
"
143940,"I decided I am going to be a virgin... so that I can set a good example for my children
"
81682,"I have a foot fetish, but only for left feet. I know you are thinking """"That ain't right.""""
"
92044,"Sorry about the typos lately you gays.
"
155292,"I had sex in an orchard today. I came in cider.
"
198144,"Do you think Lil' Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said """"Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper""""?
"
27454,"Catfishing my ex... So you could say we're back together.
"
16718,"What did Jesse say to Woody when they were having a threesome with Buzz Lightyear? You've got a friend in me
"
77717,"What noise does a nut make when it has a cold? ... CASHEWW!
"
92728,"In college a dirty $20 bill tried to have sex with me. I didn't have a condom so I declined because you never want to get Financial AIDS.
"
120290,"What do you call oral sex with your GF when she's menstruating? 6.9
"
203568,"Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired... I wonder if she read her contract and realised she was getting screwed...
"
62295,"when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) """"oh no my hot bod!""""
"
74053,"What did the fish say when it ran into a wall? Dam!!
"
47055,"My girlfriend's accused me of cheating with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. How can she say that?!?!
"
178875,"What do you call an angry psychiatrist? Therapissed.
"
109742,"Two men walk into a bar.. The other man ducks.
"
109347,"What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
"
131271,"What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A hoarse horse.
"
171408,"I hate all the """"creepy clown"""" news. I'm having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
"
38157,"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
"
182897,"If 5 slaves had an orgy in the 1800's. . . Would it be considered a three-way?
"
68939,"I learned an interesting fact about the Titanic today The swimming pools on it are still full of water.
"
151321,"How much credibility is there in that whole """"you can punch yourself handsome"""" theory? Asking for a friend.
"
135662,"so, apparently trump is living in trump tower and not the white house one more reason why i want to blow up the tower
"
188202,"What do you get when you have a mothball in each hand? One happy big-assed moth!
"
161247,"texas humor sign inside a bar in texas reads: """"we like our beer like we like our violence, domestic.""""
"
217091,"I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.
"
16171,"Teacher : Tommy you try my patience ! Tommy: No teacher you had better try mine. There's more of it !
"
231574,"OMG! It's colder than a pimps heart out here!
"
9865,"What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? Going to hell.
"
72238,"Why did little Jimmy break open his computer? It said that it had 20 cookies in it.
"
21885,"What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A hoarse horse!
"
200493,"Kim Jong-un
"
87037,"I'm sure I have annoying habits as well but lately my wife is doing this thing where she ages.
"
109010,"I am much less afraid of jail when I'm drunk.
"
64471,"I like my coffee like my women... Black and bitter, preferably fairtrade
"
101076,"""""Come on now, I'm sure that Megatron isn't such a bad guy when you get to know him..."""" - Optimist Prime.
"
145414,"Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes. Mineralogy? Study of minerals. Oceanology? Study of oceans. Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
"
135287,"I was with my friends when.. One of them asked the other if he was a virgin. He replied """"No, I came out mom's vagina."""" I honestly don't know how to feel about this.
"
134626,"So I had a dream the other night that I won $100K on a scratch off lottery ticket. Tonight I bought one and I won my $1 back
"
12101,"*tips fedora at mosquito* M'laria
"
132975,"Why do elephants paint their testicles red? To hide in cherry trees. Ever seen one? No? It works. What's the loudest sound in the forest? Giraffes eating cherries.
"
32098,"Life's most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
"
121083,"Why does Bernie Sanders support abortions? Because even after he's blown his load he won't pull out.
"
230171,"If you're throwing babies out with your bathwater, I don't think parenting is for you.
"
106555,"What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take me a minute to get hard - I just got laid by a chick.
"
20384,"A tiny Tarzan swinging from your Tampon string.
"
58399,"Have any you ever tried to throw out a garbage can ? I leave it on the curb everyday, and its always there when I get back from work.
"
180047,"Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you're just tired with a cow disease.
"
150656,"Why should a midget not attempt to slaughter a cow? The steaks are just too high.
"
113212,"GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go! ME: It ... was ... nice ... knowing ... you
"
147967,"Tried to slide a cup towards me across the table. The cup fell over instead. I blame friction.
"
43699,"What is the pirate's favourite letter? C
"
215732,"Sex is like playing cards.. if you dont have a good partner you better have a good hand.
"
150539,"I know why my name is Cameron. Father: You know why I named you Cameron? Me:Why Father: cause I came ron
"
132720,"Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads? 'Scurvy
"
75677,"Son:Mom! What's a GF? Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older. Son:What if i'm not a good boy? Mom:You'll get many.
"
186932,"I like how glasses suggest intelligence instead of broken eyes.
"
195484,"What is the fastest cake in the world? Scone.
"
115745,"Wanted to tweet """"I'm hella tired"""" but my phone keeps autocorrecting """"hella"""" to """"REALLY? HELLA? YOU ARE A GROWN-ASS LADY, KNOCK IT OFF.""""
"
165276,"So Helen Keller walks into a bar...
"
31907,"Wow, I thought """"flash mob"""" meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
"
75889,"Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton are on a boat that is sinking, who survives? America.
"
173261,"What did the hacker do when the police came for him? He ransomware.
"
159400,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Alexia ! Alexia who ? Alexia again to open this door !
"
98600,"What do an optimist and a paraplegic have in common? They're not carried by *defeat*
"
214734,"My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed """"You're psychic"""" to """"You're psycho.""""
"
157382,"The """"walk of shame"""" should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
"
87553,"What do you call a monkey in a minefield? BABOOM!!
"
97428,"One of my legs is longer than the other. I've spent years trying to get it rectified... But I just end up going around in circles.
"
61986,"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to screw in the light bulb, two to make a documentary about it.
"
11891,"Knock, knock. """"Who's there?"""" """"Annie."""" """"Annie who?"""" """"Annie body home?""""
"
227606,"What was Eve charged with after murdering Adam in the Garden? Being a first-person shooter
"
214735,"The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
"
162774,"What song did the man who lived next door to a brothel sing on his way to work? Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go!
"
13637,"Excuse me, miss. I'm sure you hear this everyday but... ... do you know where the nearest McDonald's is?
"
207534,"My friend recently arrived in Turkey for his annual holiday. He is doing bird.
"
81168,"What Sea said to the beach... Nothing it only wave
"
184303,"I hate when I'm beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
"
48425,"Why do we never run out of math teachers? Because they are always multiplying.
"
175650,"I've recently started eating steel It's a refined taste
"
118948,"Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
"
228321,"A slut is a woman who sleeps with everyone.......
"
44068,"Did you hear about the woman who gave birth in her 50's? You haven't? Oh, wait...that's right.... that's because they can't. (Menopause) Ha.
"
168228,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Rastafarian Barbie ...she has dreadlocks and ganja mon!
"
13236,"What do you call an Italian ghost? A Gabaghoul
"
110294,"How did Cosby fuck up his phone? He put it on sleep mode
"
7326,"I have no beef with vegetarians.
"
201440,"Whenever I see people exercising early in the morning I think, """"Wow! I'm so impressed I'm up this early!""""
"
68364,"Christopher Walken should make a Christmas album called """"In a Winter Wonderland""""
"
123690,"Why don't deaf guys eat pusseh? They never heard of it.
"
171260,"Sing like no one is listening. Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
"
206465,"In the winter time, where does the North Korean Soccer team practice? Inside or outside? Trick question. They don't have any heat so it doens't matter.
"
179043,"Whats the difference between a shower and a toilet? Showers take in lost of dirty people, but don't take shit from no one.
"
99216,"What do natural gas and sadists have in common? They're both propane.
"
9625,"Why did the blind man cross the road? Cuz he couldn't see it (Probly already posted but I've never seen it on r/jokes before)
"
162398,"a priest, a rabbi, and a nun naked except for a rosary, all walk into a bar... the bartender says """"what is this, a joke?""""
"
130034,"What's worse than a puppy nailed to a tree? A puppy nailed to 7 trees.
"
106459,"Not everything Donald Trump says is stupid. The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!
"
230190,"Her: Prove that you care about me Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers
"
162882,"What do you call a bee that comes from the United States? USB.
"
164124,"How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
"
213738,"What part of a fish weighs the most ?  It's scales !
"
25780,"All my life I thought air was free... until I bought a bag of Chips!!!
"
178848,"Why doesn't Mexico have its own Olympic team? Because all those who can run, jump, or swim are already in the US.
"
125645,"[cat support technician] Me: So you're here to fix my computer? Cat: *nods* Me: Great, here it is. Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
"
39347,"Why is Reddit called Reddit? Because you've already read it!
"
206126,"Do Frenchmen like slides? OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIII!
"
73924,"How can you tell when a salesperson is lying? His lips are moving.
"
191936,"Michael Jackson had alot of good songs... But his best ones were when he was in A Minor
"
14398,"A bodybuilder gets lost in the woods... And dies of starvation when he can't find his whey.
"
178825,"Told my GF: """"We haven't had sex for almost a month."""" She replied: """"Speak for yourself.""""
"
141697,"David Cameron walks into a sandwich shop with a pig... The shopkeeper says """"alright dave, pulled pork ?"""" """"No mate, she's just a friend.""""
"
143456,"Local coffee drinker... Local man caught after stealing a month's worth of coffee. He was charged with resisting a rest.
"
162101,"Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
"
46569,"Ripped a plug out of the wall by the cord. YOLO
"
670,"When are they going to drug test the audience of """"The Price Is Right.""""? No one should be that happy.
"
66862,"The price of Trumps' wall became much cheaper after the election... ...50 million people shit a brick!
"
189323,"Just discovered that I'm willing to drive 35mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.
"
31502,"I bought my friend a copy of The Lord of the Rings but he didn't seem that pleased. He though it was a Tolkien gesture.
"
87995,"#rubbishjokes How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None - it's a hardware problem.
"
32789,"I just trained my dog how to fetch a beer. Now this may not sound all that impressive, but he gets them from my neighbour's fridge.
"
103006,"Be alert! ... the world needs more lerts.
"
86067,"The village people asked all the wrong questions I mean... Why not MCA?
"
218539,"Why are gay pride parades held in the summer? Because gay pride comes before gay fall.
"
7202,"Anybody wanna play Pearl Harbour? I lay down and you blow me to heavens!
"
174283,"Why Jewish are one of the most intelligent people in the world? They spent a lot of time in Concentration camps.
"
124048,"A local bakery caught fire last night The whole place is toast
"
105842,"Why don't you ever watch old people have sex? You ever spread open a grilled cheese?
"
1954,"I'm selling my Theremin.... I haven't touched it in years.
"
51712,"I usually tell self-deprecating jokes But I'm not very good at it
"
56986,"What is Whitney houstons favorite type of coordination? HAAAANNNNNND EEEEYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEE
"
163909,"""""I saw a flock of cows today"""" """"Flock of cows?"""" """"Yes a flock of cows"""" """"Herd of cows?"""" """"Of course I've heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!""""
"
145710,"What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night? No wonder you called the company Microsoft
"
14133,"Why do witches laugh when they ride their brooms? because they're not wearing any panties.
"
161675,"Q: What do college students and deer have in  common? A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at your headlights.
"
60822,"Apple is working on an electronic seeing device for the Navy It's going to be called the I-Eye Captain
"
230744,"What do you call a crazy train A loco-motive
"
219749,"Did you hear about the new in-flight corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere
"
212392,"Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in strawberry patches.
"
51833,"Where did you leave your legless dog? Where you left him. And how do you call him? Doesn't matter, he won't come.
"
95342,"I'm about to have sex with my second cousin. Hopefully she's as good as the first one.
"
112696,"Whats the difference between a genie and a genius? A genie grants wishes, while a genius wishes for grants. Source: http://explosm.net/comics/3155/
"
36310,"A man is in his doctors office. The doctor says """"Sir you need to stop masturbating"""". """"Why"""" asks the man. The doctor replies """"It's making it difficult to finish the examination"""".
"
159165,"Why are fire trucks red? Because if someone pulled your hose you would be red too.
"
189223,"Because of texting, today's generation has no idea of the horror felt when get caught passing a note in class and having the teacher make you read it out loud!
"
77327,"Due to a tragic """"iTunes on shuffle"""" incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met...
"
195182,"What state has the best small sized soft drink? Minisoda
"
94911,"you know the joke of the pearldiver? blub blub gone he is
"
97656,"Why did the dyslexic, Russian astronomer hate the revolution? He was following the Tsar.
"
85372,"I've never actually finished the song """"Rock Your Body"""" by Justin Timberlake because I'm afraid I'll be naked by the end.
"
84195,"A man is having trouble in bed, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him he's going to need to stop masturbating. """"Why?"""" the man asks. """"So I can examine you"""", the doctor replies.
"
221135,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Alec ! Alec who ? Alec-tricity. Isn't that a shock !
"
86344,"What is an epileptics favourite food? Seizure Salad
"
43854,"Why do you wrap gophers in electrical tape? So they don't explode when you fuck 'em.
"
56354,"Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Hollywood.
"
210413,"ceimr thats """"crime"""" but in alphabetical order organized crime
"
175829,"Whats the difference between Elton John and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
"
184496,"Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don't eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.
"
209548,"According to my textbook, The old Greek currency was called Drachmae but apparently now they use a currency called *whoosh*
"
132155,"""""There are hot Shingles in your area"""" - My Doctor
"
172542,"I dropped my phone in the bath. I dropped my phone in the water. I put it in rice to dry out, it works now but i lost all my contacts except for my uncle bens.
"
70058,"What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? In the case of the bmw, the pricks are on the inside.
"
146574,"Never trust someone who tells you mashed cauliflower tastes just like mashed potatoes. They'll lie to you about other things, too.
"
136137,"What did the first stop light say to the second stop light? Don't look I'm changing
"
167615,"How do people want Trump right now? [removed]
"
45173,"My OCD brings all the boys to the yard, where they're sanitized and counted before I wash my hands of them.
"
109196,"Nothing shows the depressing reality of physical aging more than a boy band reunion.
"
66976,"I carry a magic 8 ball because no one should have to make tough decisions alone.
"
86032,"What's the difference between pizza and your opinion? I asked for pizza.
"
132106,"A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says """"Penguins can't fly.""""
"
125392,"My friends say im in denial I dont know what theyre talking about. Edit: second version: Ive never even been to Egypt!
"
196493,"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice.
"
191273,"My girlfriend told me that she just needed a little space. So now she lives in the trunk of my car.
"
210434,"What was wrong with Genghis Khan's new suit? There was a chink in his armor.
"
48069,"What do you call a pig behind a car wheel? A ham brake !
"
26653,"AMA Request: Kim Davis. I would like to hear her answer this question, for she seems uniquely qualified to do so: If a man and woman from Kentucky get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?
"
93609,"What score did Lenin get on his exam paper? ...Full Marx
"
89900,"What do you call an Egyptian back-doctor? A Cairo-practor.
"
69118,"I heard that the majority of car accidents happen within 15 minutes of home So I decided to move 30 minutes away
"
189732,"What do you call a lesbian with huge thumbs? Well-endowed. http://img487.imageshack.us/img487/3628/ellenplaidshirt022ex9.jpg
"
101106,"""""The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in."""" ~my mother after a few drinks
"
25361,"Nostalgia Sure isn't what it used to be.
"
10641,"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today They must have been laced or something cause I've been trippin all day.
"
198394,"So the other day I was pressing my clothes But it turned out I had just made even more creases. I was so upset. I guess I couldn't handle the irony.
"
44262,"What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps could finish a race.
"
110503,"Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper
"
98636,"Where do some popes get their vestments? Urban Outfitters
"
163191,"A long joke JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE
"
101339,"I accidentally arrived at work five minutes early today. Speeding CAN be dangerous, kids.
"
25950,"No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
"
9940,"What do you call two crows? Attempted murder
"
34743,"Joke comments: so you can get all your best jokes in one place. Put jokes in comments!
"
181864,"""""As someone who has shown an interest in vacuums,"""" the email from Amazon said, unsubscribedly.
"
25815,"Whats a hoes idea? A Thot.
"
170936,"What do you call a kid with no friends (warning offensive) A sandy hook survivor.
"
53752,"What do you call a feminist from LA? A SoCal Justice Warrior.
"
38059,"What's the difference between acne and a Child Molester? Acne waits till you are 13 to come all over your face.
"
94733,"Why was the middle aged computer sad? He had a floppy disc.
"
101027,"casually discarding styrofoam container filled with buffalo wing remnants into the passing stroller of a baby
"
214351,"Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke) Because that's where students have the most potential.
"
50187,"Why did the Indian pedophile miss work? He was feeling a little Sikh.
"
66955,"What do you call a sexist masseuse? A massage-ynist.
"
110857,"How do you conufuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
"
37279,"What is grosser that gross? Ten naked men running around in a circle and the first one stops.
"
118316,"I like my violence how I like my beer... Domestic.
"
148901,"Rape Hotline I called the rape advice hotline. I didn't realize it was for victims.
"
49384,"Why did the Seahawks pass the ball? To get to the other side!
"
141584,"what do you call dried cum? sement
"
131761,"Why'd the British man cross the ocean? Freedom.
"
28180,"Knock knock The game
"
142036,"What kind of bees produce milk? Boo bees
"
169894,"What did the boy say to his nanny when she stubbed her toe while playing tag? Na-na boo-boo
"
112080,"Why did the bacteriologist quit her job? She hated being microbe-managed.
"
181876,"There's 10 kind of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't.
"
185412,"The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
"
203334,"Why did the little black kid start crying when he had diarrhea? He thought he was melting.
"
147182,"These gay jokes have got to stop Cum on guys
"
178144,"How do you start a rave in Ethopia??? You staple food on the ceilings.
"
89670,"What do you call an irritated nerd? A noyd.
"
95258,"The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an f. Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us.
"
70043,"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
"
162597,"WIFE: Dave's here HUSBAND: Dave from work or Dave who always wears scarves? ME: [from downstairs] I got caught in the ceiling fan again!
"
151336,"I have a time machine for sale. If interested, call me two weeks ago.
"
44513,"Good thing the silica gel packet that came with my shoes was marked """"DO NOT EAT"""". I assume all new shoes come with snacks.
"
85402,"Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
"
143467,"Don't open a store on Mt. Everest You'd be surprised how quickly things go downhill from there...
"
56332,"What is the difference between a corvette and a blowjob? Your mom never gave me a corvette.
"
197815,"Why are 9/11 victims great readers? They can go through 90 stories in 10 seconds
"
71767,"If I yawn, and the person talking says, 'Sorry for boring you', I graciously accept their apology. Because, manners.
"
147035,"TIFU by hiring a footlong sandwich as a replacement teacher. Oops, wrong sub.
"
171273,"What would you call Daenerys Targaryen if she had a vaginal infection? Khalyeasty
"
171582,"Her: Let's read your horoscope... Do you believe in astrology? Me: No. That's such a scam. Well, at least that's what my psychic says.
"
91391,"Ancestry.com: The southern version of eHarmony.
"
132676,"5 beer 2 Fingers A Faizan Walks Into A Bar, Holds up two fingers, and says ''FIVE Beers_Please''
"
215421,"I don't know if this is a good idea. Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
"
182538,"Why did they spray rose water cologne on Scott Weiland at the funeral home? So he smelled great while dead &amp; bloated.
"
186847,"If your name is Willis then you automatically have no idea what the fuck you're talkin bout.
"
35280,"Only 30's kids will get this... Jesus.
"
6822,"My parents kidnapped me. I was then born.
"
63358,"Sorry I'm late, I was staring at a picture of the Ninja Turtles for an hour trying to figure out why they always wear belts with no pants.
"
32225,"How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
"
637,"If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country, if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
"
48332,"Can't believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
"
153399,"How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife? On a blind date
"
156719,"If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson's daughter, none of this would be an issue.
"
112529,"My brother and I were playing chess, and I said to him 'care to make this interesting?' He said 'sure'. So we stopped playing chess.
"
116503,"What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gag.
"
17354,"I'm glad twitter is new because nobody needs to see Michelangelo rt'ing every time someone mentions how majestic the Sistine Chapel is.
"
115953,"What do you call a flying pig? Swine flu
"
95423,"A brand new cemetery for the greats now will let anyone be buried there Lots of people are dying to get in!
"
12802,"Whats the difference between tuna, a piano and glue? You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
"
222911,"There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where they can take it back. Win-win.
"
73855,"I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.
"
211146,"What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel? Someone that knocks on your door and tells YOU to fuck off.
"
153469,"What does a door and a jar have in common? They both are ajar.
"
151638,"Do Not Be Racist ..... Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew
"
110367,"Why did the prisoners switch to liquid soap in the shower? Because it's harder to pick up.
"
82427,"What's the hardest part about winning crossfit? Being 5 foot 6
"
183371,"Saw two elementary students get in a fistfight so as an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance
"
63039,"I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
"
183037,"My wife does all the driving, because I never learnt to drive - in her opinion.""""
"
207381,"Spanish fireman has twin boys, he names them Jose and Hose B
"
52760,"Im not white im Jewish..
"
197127,"All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
"
73615,"What do you throw a drowning guitarist? His amp.
"
74224,"The Quran is like weed If you burn it you get stoned.
"
130333,"So I was driving down the street when I saw a couple guys trying to take an old lady's purse. I ran her over to help We got it off her eventually
"
224697,"I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
"
10765,"If all the animals on the equator were capable of flattering Then halloween and thanksgiving would fall on the same day
"
155660,"Whats a zombie's favorite drink? Egg noggin.
"
108131,"What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese
"
157771,"What's another name for a necrophile? A dissexual.
"
193809,"Asked my friend what's he's going to wear for Halloween... """"Probably a condom.""""
"
227724,"A boy was snapping rubber bands on his friends arm He kept doing it in the same spot every second, over and over again until the friend eventually said, """"Ouch, that one Hertz.""""
"
179849,"What would people call an old John Cena? John Senile
"
144186,"Bisexual girls are like spaghetti. Straight until wet.
"
230374,"Wives are like grenades... Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
"
127705,"Mother's have mother's day and father's have father's day. What do male redditors have? -Palm sunday
"
82278,"Two people have been killed and another seriously injured in a knife attack at an Ikea store in Sweden. Police are currently at the crime scene trying to piece the evidence together.
"
125640,"What kind of eggs do Canadians prefer? Grade eh?
"
151510,"Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like """"Please don't stay long!"""" or """"I hope you brought booze.""""
"
4223,"Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
"
120673,"Why do riot police get to work early? To beat the crowd
"
90779,"I could see every bottle of ketchup in the restaurant. Heinz sight is 20/20.
"
21485,"Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking at their doors all the time.
"
46217,"(NSFW) They've finally published my self-help book about having sex with herbs It's about fucking thyme.
"
227181,"We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played
"
162529,"The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
"
224327,"What do you call Bob the builder after he retires? Bob
"
116488,"Q: What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and crosses back over? A: A dirty double crosser.
"
31366,"I gave my cat a bath the other day... he liked it, but the fur stuck to my tongue.
"
189805,"Why shouldn't you be racist? Because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
"
212210,"What do you find in an elephants graveyard ? Elephantoms !
"
181930,"Really?? EVERYBODY was Kung Fu fighting? Seems kind of implausible...
"
181000,"My dad's TV volume is always set at """"screw the neighbors"""".
"
95486,"Breaking News....Explosion at Cheese Factory De-brie everywhere!
"
110081,"I'm thinking of becoming a yoga instructor... but I know know how I'm going to support myself.
"
210829,"How do you make your GF cry during sex? Phone her... ;)
"
58048,"Did you hear about the homosexual magician? He disappeared in a poof.
"
48139,"No, cough syrup, you're not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.
"
207331,"[Walmart customer service] ME: i want to talk to the manager. MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem? ME: no, i just want to talk.
"
139387,"You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south? Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.
"
97486,"I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven
"
18166,"Why does Elmer Fudd only let Bug's Bunny eat snickers bars? Because silly wabbit, twix are for kids!
"
112665,"It was announced today that General Electric bought the Italian airline, Alitalia The new company will be called GenItalia
"
95904,"What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality. I'll show myself out now...
"
137750,"Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say """"please put your shoes on"""" 17,000 times every morning. My dreams have come true.
"
190507,"What do you call a disabled paedophile? A creepy crawly
"
104227,"Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone's gaydar.
"
213177,"A fish lies on the ground outside of his tank, dead. The two remaining fish in the tank talk to each other: """"What happened?!"""" """"I don't really know... He just yelled 'EVOLUTION!' and jumped out.""""
"
74279,"""""Here, throw this away for me."""" ~ People who hand out leaflets.
"
92924,"The mighty god rode his valiand steed atop the highest mountain.. ... raised his hammer high, and declared ''I am Thor!''. To which his horse replied: ''Because you forgot your thaddle, thilly.''
"
164658,"why is rain the best kind of music? because it has amazing drops.
"
51164,"Did you hear about... ...the optometrist who fell in his lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.
"
38678,"How many times does 1 go into 0? As Many Times As It Wants!
"
17318,"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round... and laughed...
"
48295,"My favorite joke from tonight's debate """"you have 2 minutes""""
"
216455,"""""Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?"""" """"you mean cheese?"""" [waiter struggling to keep bowl covered] """"that does make more sense actually""""
"
11781,"Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.
"
153395,"What is the difference between a feminist and a walrus? A walrus has at least two valid points.
"
151035,"Thank you student loans for helping me get through college and for all that you've done for me! I don't know how I'll ever repay you.
"
85366,"What happens when you smoke weed in Saudi Arabia? You get stoned.
"
230610,"Did you know that Stevie Wonder has seven kids? He never sees them though.
"
122066,"A guy walked into a gay bar backwards. Ouch.
"
81767,"If 666 is evil Does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?
"
22438,"I used to think it was cool when all those athletes would say hi to my mom on TV.
"
197474,"""""Have you tried putting balogna in it?"""" ~me, as a marriage counselor
"
214743,"Boys, save your Bottle Caps Trump just became president.
"
45427,"Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius! 
"
8108,"[job interview] """"any public speaking experience?"""" not since the valedictorian speech in high school """"very impressive"""" I yelled 'YOU SUCK'
"
96448,"WHY HAS THE COST OF BALLOONS INCREASED OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS?? INFLATION!
"
3977,"What do I have that FC Barcelona doesn't? A semi
"
76544,"Dark humour is like food Not everyone gets it
"
193238,"Oh you're a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I'm a foodie but I'm also a breathie. Love to breathe.
"
126395,"What do stupid kids do at Halloween ? They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins !
"
215131,"My son needed a Bone Marrow transplant & we found a perfect match in Argentina. The operation took place & was a great success. My thanks go out to Diego, Marrow Donor.
"
186646,"What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars? A Moleionaire
"
219829,"I'd love to tell you a science joke... ...but all the good ones argon.
"
231283,"I'm my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
"
163054,"Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket
"
166948,"Waddya get if you mix Canadian Club and Southern Comfort? What you most assuredly deserve
"
75479,"The oldest joke I know A girl with no arms or legs was sad on the beach. A man walked up and asked what was wrong. She said she'd never been fucked. He threw her in the water and said, """"Now ur fucked""""
"
142304,"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.
"
25700,"Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.
"
94768,"To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.
"
52765,"So excited that The Weather Channel picked up """"Weather"""" for another season!!
"
183045,"You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she can fit into your wife's clothes.
"
19578,"North Korean Joke Poop is like a North Korean rocket: it's produced by an ass and splashes into the water.
"
225331,"I can still blame my unhealthy eating on """"the holidays"""", right? President's Day is coming up.
"
213214,"Bono from U2 is the voice of my car's GPS It sucks. The streets have no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
"
166834,"Why aren't broken bones a problem in India? Everyone is already in a caste
"
13484,"In Soviet Unicorn, rainbow poops you!
"
122328,"Why did barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box.
"
131181,"How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender.
"
10933,"Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast] Him: How did you get in my house?
"
36088,"What do you call a hippo in Antarctica?! LOST!! (I'll show myself out now)
"
174991,"What's Borat's favorite neighborhood? Van Nuys
"
174435,"A woman I met had 13 children all named David. When I asked her how she calls just one of them, she said, """"Oh that's easy; I just call them by their last names.""""
"
73780,"Village Competition Tomorrow our village is having it's annual Innuendo competition I might enter my friend's sister.
"
142566,"What is the best Cabinet post for Donald Trump? Secretary of 'De-Fence""""
"
60919,"I'm using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.
"
17245,"What's the difference between a magician's wand and a nightstick? One is used for cunning stunts, the other is used for stunning cunts.
"
91169,"""""Are we going the right way, Yoda?"""" """"Off course, we are!"""" Happy May 4th everyone
"
87264,"Hear about the cross-eyed teacher? ... she just couldn't control her pupils.
"
184511,"""""It doesn't make any sense... but does it make a dollar?"""", says the marketing manager.
"
41803,"New law restricts lobbyists to the lobby. Citizen victory! Writing laws a bit less convenient! The lobby lobby, however, has won the day.
"
26897,"WELCOME TO GYM. [5gp] WOOD MUSCLE // [10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE // [50gp] IRON MUSCLE // [100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE // [999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
"
52688,"Why did the chicken attend the seance? To get to the other side.
"
11720,"There are 3 kinds of people in this world 1) Those who are bad at maths 2) Those that are good at maths
"
206153,"Officer: You were speeding. Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic. O: There Is no traffic. M: I am really far behind.
"
87581,"Why did the shit-kicker cross the road? To use his rich neighbor's outhouse.
"
35515,"What's the instrument of oppression? the Trumpet
"
86928,"No one told him Syria borders Iraq Why did Obama provide weapons to Al-Qaeda in Syria
"
148358,"Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner? All he got was a cold shoulder.
"
180540,"Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle.
"
127157,"I met a girl with 12 boobs Sounds weird, dozentit
"
81618,"Nike and TOMS are embarking on a joint venture... ...for every pair of shoes you buy, they'll donate a pair to the child who made them.
"
36396,"What did Snoop Dogg say upon graduation as a EE major? My circuit breaker be trippin and my joint wouldn't solder...
"
137310,"Why did no one believe the Psychologist ever went to the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent
"
221691,"What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? Shame and sadness at the slow decline of their once beautiful and vibrant culture.
"
3062,"Whats the worst part about a black out in Detroit? All the pairs of floating eyes
"
221863,"My maths teacher is like a line that touches a point on a curve He goes on a tangent but he always gets to the point.
"
8391,"I post stuff in the wrong sub-reddits. AMA wait... FUCK
"
65539,"What's the difference between a midget and black people? A midget is a small problem. Black people are a huge problem.
"
1519,"What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and vagina? Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
"
186210,"You might be from Mexico but I'm sure I've eaten more Mexican food than you.
"
81078,"Did you hear the one about the woman who went on a fishing trip with 7 guys... ...and came home with a big red snapper?
"
39408,"I told my wife I am sending her a dick pic... She said """" I don't want your junk mail!""""
"
137272,"Why did the chicken cross the road? CluckBait.
"
137566,"Boss: Dan why is your hand raised? Me: can I go to the bathroom? Boss: Dan you're 23. This is a business meeting Me: so that's a yes?
"
168418,"Don't make fun of a fat man with a lisp. He is probably thick and tired of it
"
34108,"12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What's wrong with the one we live in? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
"
197221,"What type of condom does Spock use? Vulcanized rubber!
"
217365,"I asked a blonde, """"How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?"""" She answered, """"Two. But they can't fit inside a light bulb to screw in it, silly.""""
"
18638,"I like my rum like I like my women Twelve years old and mixed up with Coke.
"
144963,"Yo mama so fat ... ... last christmas I took a picture of her. It's still printing.
"
42666,"New slogan for cats: """"Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don't want to die? Cats.""""
"
61446,"There are 2 types of people in this world: Those who pee in the shower... And stinkin' LIARS!
"
145010,"What is a fatass' favorite kind of computer a big mac
"
188927,"Why Does Ariel wear seashells? Because she can't fit into D-shells
"
70151,"if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off
"
158444,"There is now a blood test to determine gender attraction. It checks homogloben levels.
"
742,"new iPhone 7 son: Daddy, buy me the new iPhone 7 Dad: What is the magic word? son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case?
"
84578,"I asked my cat """"Who is your favorite President of China?"""" According to her it's Mao.
"
1254,"Dear Lord, Thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
"
151124,"I want to remind everyone today that 9/11 jokes aren't funny... ...only 2/11 are.
"
104787,"Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don't turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
"
228827,"Why is it prestigious to wear a condom? It's a members-only jacket.
"
116904,"I'd like to dedicate this joke to my father, who was a roofer... ...so...dad, if you're up there...
"
17562,"Sometimes instead of saying """"For Example"""", I'll say something such as """"such as"""", for example.
"
60900,"I was sold a calculator with the plus button missing. Something doesn't quite add up.
"
44468,"What do you call a vaping vegan? A steamed vegetable
"
189029,"A paedophile, a sadist, and a Priest walk into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink.
"
66386,"How much does freedom weigh? A WashingTon.
"
47427,"Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because D shells are too big and B shells are too small.
"
103977,"Why don't little girls fart? They don't get assholes until they're married! (My favorite joke to tell to un-piss off a pissed off woman after I've pissed her off with a woman joke)
"
168770,"I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob
"
79816,"God making man in his image was the original selfie
"
195988,"How do you know that someone you met is a Harvard graduate? He already told you so.
"
59037,"I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me? That's just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
"
29461,"The second fastest thing in a bathroom is the speed in which your butt-hole closes after a log comes out, but what is the fastest thing in a bathroom? The drop of water that makes it in.
"
28207,"How does the sun cut his hair? Eclipse it.
"
98918,"""""Houston we ... are fine."""" Female astronaut probably
"
145954,"Bikini season is just around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.
"
162307,"CUSTOMER: How do you make a pig float?  WAITER: Just give him an inner tube.
"
223856,"When anyone says they've embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think 'that kind of limit sounds nice'
"
194731,"why doe s porn hub even have a share to google + button? I dont want any one to know i have a google +...
"
113976,"Watson returns from work one day... and finds Sherlock in bed with a very young girl. """"Christ, Sherlock! How old is this girl?"""" """"Elementary, my dear Watson.""""
"
11599,"Instead of saying, """"YOLO"""", try saying, """"Carpe Diem"""". You won't sound like a douche andddd, you won't sound like a douche.
"
166739,"Why do Sumo Wrestler's shave their bodies? So that they don't get mistaken for feminists
"
47763,"The hard truth is like poetry... ...most people hate hearing it.
"
163949,"The greatest math problem of all time! How many liters of alcohol have can be found in the phrase """"Let's go out for a beer""""?
"
139303,"What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. I always use this joke when going to Dr's, or any medical situation. It never fails to get a great laugh.
"
221560,"Bill Clinton: """"I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."""" """"All of mine sucked""""
"
152027,"TIFU when my parents weren't home. turns out it is really hard getting your dick out of a dvd once you get erect
"
83192,"in hindsight, ms. frizzle taking a bus of children inside of an unsuspecting person was not ok. one of those rascals peed in his body.
"
62150,"NSFW What's the hardest part of being a pedophile? It's hard to fit in
"
217469,"Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends? Me: your mother, why? W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
"
99340,"Chemists Confirm the Existence of New Type of Bond James Bond
"
210230,"What's a gangsta say when a house falls on him? Get off me, homes!
"
69660,"REACT [removed]
"
2987,"There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling """"I HAVE THE POWEEER!"""" like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.
"
70938,"Our Ideal candidate: -Minimum 3,000 years exp. -Must have 8 PhD's -Speak Klingon 80 hrs a week $7.15 an hour Must be passionate about work!
"
98959,"Step on a crack, break your momma's back! So then I went on a walk with my family. I stepped on a crack, looked at my mom, and said """"Why didn't your back break, mom?"""" """"You're adopted.""""
"
220566,"I capture lions for a living... I guess you could say I take pride in my work.
"
189491,"Whats the most obvious feature shared by a leprechaun and a sober Irishman? Neither exist.
"
119571,"What do you call a coi fish that can't swim? A decoi
"
10622,"A fish swam into a wall... Dam.
"
130550,"I eat a wide variety of foods: lasagna, tacos, hamburgers... and dim sum.
"
175341,"An owl decided to make romantic advances towards another owl. To wit, to woo.
"
213663,"One I made up..... What do you call a cross between a dog and a turtle? A cross. The animals around it have no effect on its name duh.
"
40077,"I never feel as much panic as I do when the cashier asks me if I have their member card yet.
"
205018,"Kids are like squaring numbers If they're under 12 just do them in your head.
"
191267,"Our love was magical.. it vanished like one of Houdini's disappearing acts
"
106754,"What do you call a man who cuts down trees? A tree feller.
"
46192,"What do you call a big irish spider ? Paddy long legs !
"
62403,"Why can't the Americans play chess? Because they're missing two towers.
"
150703,"What do you call a group of rappers that masturbate in synchronization? Bone Tugs In Harmony
"
138523,"Weird Computer Error UK.eu has unexpectedly stopped working
"
47400,"in these hard times, it's crucial to stay as positive as Charlie Sheen
"
27662,"Revere rides a horse saying """"The British are Coming""""and it's heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming """"look at me""""and it's probation?
"
70806,"I was really upset today but then a friend said """"don't be upset"""" so now I'm not upset anymore
"
121066,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Alison ! Alison who ? Alison to my radio in the mornings !
"
28666,"A man walks into a bar.... ...and spectacularly fails at Limbo.
"
4740,"It's like """"society"""" expects you to wear """"different clothes"""" every day.
"
184861,"Ladies, I don't understand this childish obsession with unicorns. The horn isn't there for shits and giggles. They spear and kill shit.
"
162030,"Why do all Gas Station restrooms look like you just walked in on an exorcism.
"
203849,"I want to open a bar that serves nothing but expensive beer and baked beans. I'll call it Farts &amp; Crafts.
"
218525,"Everyone tells me I'm average... That's just mean.
"
230206,"How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? [Click here to find out the answer.](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2b57xv/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_busy_for_hours/)
"
1995,"If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
"
229347,"I know why you wear your wedding ring on your left hand guys. Cause once you say """"I do"""" your right hand is gonna be awful busy.
"
184664,"The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop. The steaks were high.
"
8121,"How much money do hookers with shallow vaginas make? Just the tips.
"
112172,"What do you call a second-place winner at a pun competition? a punner-up.
"
173869,"Jesus walks into a hotel and hands the receptionist a couple of nails and asks... Can you put me up for the night?
"
208274,"My waxer just cancelled. So I'm making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.
"
156297,"MAMA DUCK, BABY DUCK Q: What did did the mother duck say to her duckling? A: """"If you don't behave, I'm gonna quack you one.""""
"
56232,"PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
"
112221,"Did you know Helen Keller had a swing in her backyard? Neither did she.
"
17728,"Nestle has taken to putting """"Do not consume raw cookie dough"""" on all of it's cookie packages Oh, Nestle You don't know me at all, do you?
"
211132,"Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you're so quiet it's hard to tell if you're turned on
"
4073,"Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare!
"
184958,"[God creating me] And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety [the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in] [God shrugs] He'll be fine
"
145522,"I asked Luke Perry what today's date was, and he said... 9/02/10! This joke is only funny today, once in a lifetime joke! Spread the love
"
16881,"What's a wavelength's favorite animal? A lamb, duh!
"
194781,"What's blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool? A baby with slashed floaties. What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool? Floaties with a slashed baby.
"
92930,"What if you found out that wheat bread is just a bunch of ants squished together that would be pretty spooky
"
227398,"I'm just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.
"
61900,"Have you heard about the plant in the maths office? It is growing square roots!
"
48473,"your laughing style Hehehe hahaaha ahahaha ohahahooo ehahahee
"
217139,"Why did the walrus go to the tupperware store? Because he wanted a tight seal.
"
218370,"My calling in life went straight to voicemail.
"
168680,"If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
"
187136,"A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, """"Looks like Santa lost his temper again.""""
"
203072,"I hope this new health care bill also includes every American's right to a lollipop after leaving the doctor.
"
196255,"What's The Difference Between a Redditor and a Calender? A Redditor is a living breathing human being, and a Calender is an inanimate object.
"
203216,"Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are 50 cents but deer nuts are under a buck.
"
11665,"""""Yes mam that'll be $1200"""" """"Just to remove a cassette tape that's stuck?"""" """"Ma'm, it's in your CD player""""
"
111974,"How can you open a banana? With a monkey!
"
89069,"I recently bought a teddy bear named Muhammad... for $10. And a week later, sold it for $20. The question is, did I make a Prophet?
"
146785,"What do you call a dog with a 7 inch boner? Your sex life.
"
107225,"When do Arabs return their library books? the day they're Dubai.
"
228612,"Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas refrigerators.
"
207560,"When I misplace something and you say """"where did you have it last"""" I feel like you don't know what misplace means.
"
44934,"I always write """"boing"""" in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.
"
212501,"The Smart Kid A child asks his father: - Daddy, where did I get my intelligence from? - From your mother, I think. I still have mine.
"
214581,"A man knocked my door for some donation.. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. i gave him a glass of water.
"
181028,"I saw Don Draper driving a toupee across a high-wire. Another character driven piece on cable.
"
77030,"What do you call a dictionary on drugs? Addictionary. ...or a High Definition.
"
32877,"How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fruit salad.
"
88082,"I do not have bad attitude... I have a low tolerance for bullsh1t.
"
153739,"People think I'm a good listener but I'm really just solid at nodding
"
73448,"Why is the fungus such a hypocrite? because it doesn't have mushroom to talk.
"
115109,"What do you do when your dishwasher breaks? Get a new wife
"
185426,"I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.
"
198453,"I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
"
213281,"TIFU when I went to Subways... Whoops wrong sub. Oh wait. This has been done before, hasn't it? You probably Reddit already.
"
68062,"Why did the GameCube controller get off the boat? Because he got a little c-stick.
"
8175,"How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's not funny.
"
172212,"Does anyone else feel like a 25yr old trapped in a 40yr+ body???
"
165760,"""""Just be yourself"""" is great advice to maybe 12% of people.
"
160511,"what did the atheist say to the agnostic Pussy
"
131842,"Searching for porn gifs... Results be like, """"oh my go..."""" """"oh my go..."""" """"oh my go..."""" """"oh my go...""""
"
139440,"What killed the Imgur front page? The Grim Reappost
"
172187,"most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don't want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you
"
133643,"I just told my wife I am getting her a monkey for her birthday. She went bananas.
"
17864,"Why can't pedophiles eat butter? It will raise their molesterol.
"
108871,"Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let's get started on some sailing basics. *Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
"
62649,"My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality I don't know what that means, but must be pretty good if I've got it.
"
107235,"You're so poor... Ethiopians donate to you.
"
22997,"Why did Saul want to kill Christians? Because he was Saulty. I'll^show^^myself^^^out...
"
88362,"My damn neighbours bang on the walls at all hours of the night It's so bad sometimes that i can hardly hear myself practising the drums
"
129357,"If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
"
97311,"A Czech one: God is carrying a bag of dicks... ...when he suddenly trips over a rock and all the dicks fall out. He gets pissed off: """"I'm not going to pick them up, Prague's going to be here!""""
"
129416,"What's the difference between an old Greyhound terminal and a lobster with really big boobs? One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustation! ::buh dum bum::
"
130507,"Why do Jewish men get circumcised? because Jewish women won't accept anything unless it has at least 20% off.
"
175090,"Where do poor Italians live? In the spaghetto...
"
215975,"I love weighing myself after having a dump. It makes a shit load of difference.
"
188374,"I got called 'fag' a lot as a kid Until the day I stood up for myself and punched my mom in the face.
"
221438,"I'm going to change my name to Blake. So I can ask my girl if she wants to wake and Blake.
"
33413,"Brace yourselves!! The flowers, candy and jewelry mobile uploads are upon us.....
"
174310,"Once while eating bacon I said I was """"getting piggy with it"""" and now I have no friends.
"
177694,"My anaconda don't want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
"
9762,"How is Kim Kardashian's ass like a password-protected compressed file? They both have their own zip code
"
206022,"After a long day, I feel like a bicycle Because I'm too tired
"
119826,"Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!! Me: Not with that attitude.
"
141665,"I have a joke about pizza and a broken pencil unfortunately it's cheesy and pointless
"
128,"What did the man with The World's Largest Penis say when he had to have his legs amputated """"Don't worry, I still have my third one.""""
"
38197,"What did the bear say to the judge? I bearly touched her.
"
83408,"My girlfriend broke up with me after I said she's half the person I am... I weigh 240 pounds, not sure why she got so mad.
"
77830,"What does my dad do for fun? Beats me  \_()_/ 
"
152040,"What do the Enterprise and and toilet paper have in common? They both circle around Uranus searching for klingons.
"
38770,"How many 'friend-zoned' guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
"
71485,"God damn auto correct... Always making me say things I didn't Nintendo
"
109349,"Science Jokes Thread on AskReddit! For your amusement: http://en.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1auxsf/what_are_some_funny_scientific_jokes_that_you_know/
"
53232,"Son! You have been adopted -Really! -Yes. Now gather your shit and get out. Your new parents are here to pick you up.
"
228625,"What do you call a kid that is afraid of the dark? Racist
"
193403,"Hello? I'd like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four........ty-seven.
"
189880,"So I'm drinking in a bar... ... And the waitress yells 'help! Does anyone know CPR?!' So I say 'Hell I know the whole alphabet!' So everyone laughs. Except this one guy.
"
74258,"All of these Ferguson jokes lately... What a riot!
"
133798,"You should never be sad. Because sad backwards is das.. ..and das not good.
"
130418,"Sometimes I'll catch my reflection in a mirror and I'll be like, """"oh no, that can't be right.""""
"
123335,"Stop the presses! My paninis can wait.
"
197390,"Gay jokes aren't funny... ...cum on guys
"
74093,"I love oral sex... it's the phone bill I hate.
"
156296,"Why does the divorced guy keep a tampon on the top of his tv set? To remind him of the cunt that has his DVD player.
"
167572,"How do you karma whore on r/Jokes?
"
102820,"I'm not saying your mom's a whore... But if she were a video game she'd be rated E for everyone.
"
168947,"Snapbacks Popular amongst those with brittle bones.
"
59544,"My friend from Pakistan said he hates his job and can't take it anymore """"It will get better"""", I said. """"You have your whole life ahead of you. You're only 12 years old.""""
"
91576,"2016: Trump elected 2018: Border wall completed 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
"
176400,"How Germans does it take to change a light bulb? NEIN!
"
94732,"Donald trump wins miley cyrus said she would leave the country. I'll vote for him if u throw in Justin bieber too. Good way to secure the presidency
"
23373,"What is an emo's favorite note? G ...get it? EDIT:im not saying the reference
"
207821,"Hey, want to play the rape game? No? That's the spirit!
"
101630,"Why did the console peasant cross the road? To render the other side.
"
17529,"So I went to a zoo the other day.... But all they had was a dog It was a shih tzu
"
131152,"If your ringtone is a Black Eyed Peas song you have 4 seconds to answer before the entire office throws their stapler at you.
"
144039,"Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him
"
146255,"Why couldn't the cow leave the farm? She was pasteurized!
"
212411,"Ever met the human version of a headache?
"
31281,"Why do we drink Tea? because we can't eat it :/ Have a good night/day everyone.
"
81853,"Dirty Catholic Priest jokes are getting old. So we know one demographic who won't like them any more at least.
"
172047,"If a tree falls in a boreal forest and no one is around... ...could you hear a pine drop?
"
194588,"I sat on the edge of my bed, gently tugging off my boxers... ;) My wife thinks I spoil those dogs.
"
25003,"What's a glow worms favourite song ? Wake me up before you glow glow !
"
12034,"The female praying mantis... knows how to get ahead in life.
"
134248,"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
"
158354,"Want to hear a joke about Russia? Soviet
"
128281,"What goes vroom rrt... vroom rrt... vroom rrt... A blond at a flashing red light.
"
87153,"[long ago] A: Ok, so let's mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it. B: Great idea. Write that down. A: Where?
"
25398,"Did you hear about the suicidal dolphin? He lost the porpoise to live.
"
227576,"A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: """"Wife wanted."""" Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: """"You can have mine.""""
"
50524,"What do you call an unconvincing stick insect? Unreali-stick
"
214562,"What do you call a cow having a seizure? A milkshake.
"
113373,"*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him* I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
"
166126,"Patient:Do you extract teeth painlessly? Dentis: """"Not always the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist
"
201108,"As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don't all have the same accent, I'm probably going to get fired from storytime.
"
216535,"WARNING: Big Spoiler Inside! http://www.dswens.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/P1130541.jpg
"
117494,"What do you call a hot Filipino? A Filipino.
"
157234,"Boss: Let's be frank. Me: Dibs on """"Sinatra.""""
"
118385,"What did Mexican Anakin say when he heard about the Catholic Priest sex scandals? Now *this* is Padre sin!
"
133899,"A new study shows that men's eyesight improves by an average of 15% when they are looking at a woman's butt. Hindsight really is 20/20.
"
81847,"My girlfriend and I have a rocky relationship... Much like Sylvester Stallone, there is a communication problem.
"
202199,"There are two types of countries on this planet ones that use the metric system and the one that got to the moon
"
108623,"A woman was accused of attacking her husband with several guitars. When she got in front of the judge he asked, """"first offender?"""" She replied, """"No. First a Gibson, second a Fender.""""
"
107238,"Do you like whales? Cause I thought we could """"Humpback"""" at my place.
"
13948,"If she is married or has a boyfriend make sure she swallows the evidence.
"
120413,"Chuck Norris died yesterday. He's fine today.
"
129091,"What do you call a Nun in a Wheelchair? Virgin Mobile
"
1838,"Ginger Ale tastes so much worse outside an airplane.
"
67540,"I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
"
140060,"Every fight is a food fight.... .... when you're a cannibal.
"
84951,"What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it? Money's tight these days!
"
89569,"What do you call a pirate from Ireland?? Arrrish
"
40239,"My new Thesaurus arrived today, and it's terrible. And another thing, it's terrible.
"
6447,"The problem with feminists... The problem with feminists is that they don't stop talking and I just want to fuck them.
"
156156,"How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
"
121144,"So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.
"
168050,"What do you call a surprise party in India? Arranged marriage p.s. I'm an Indian living in India.
"
77198,"Why did the Chicken cross the road? because 7 8 9 hahahaha
"
119018,"*i sneeze* Atheist: bless u Me: ha! i caught u Atheist: no its just like, an expression Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god
"
97724,"How do you spell """"laughing out loud"""" by using binary? 1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1
"
30381,"CNN is fucked if their viewers ever discover they can access the Internet on their own.
"
34,"A guy pick up a woman Then he puts her down
"
104246,"Apparently Hooters is a great place to meet single dads on a Sunday.
"
113450,"I don't mean to brag but I've perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
"
201955,"There's a new drink called the Sandy It's a watered down Manhattan.
"
43221,"In wartime, it's so often the most vulnerable who get forgotten. Someone needs to kill them too.
"
130269,"Poo jokes. I do, do them Not my go to joke type, not bad for a number two though
"
90698,"Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child  I wanted a dog.
"
205017,"How much do pirates pay for earrings? Somewhere around a buck an ear.
"
57722,"Ke$ha is what would happen if a garbage can came to life.
"
154143,"The answer is """"preludes"""" Name something Bill Cosby gives to nuns.
"
42877,"I switched my kids to almond milk. Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them """"Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons.""""
"
63141,"What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player? He got crossed.
"
41569,"What would you get if you crossed the  Easter Bunny with a leprechaun? The Easter Blarney!
"
48680,"A list as long as my arm.. I have a list as long as my arm of why I wish my mother never took thalidomide
"
120644,"I got my dog vaccinated... ...I think she might have paw-tisim now.
"
223986,"Why should you never go drinking if you wear a monocle? Because then you'd be a barnacle.
"
101258,"What did the beaver say to the tree? [It's been nice 'gnawing' you!](#s)
"
151745,"What's a fedora tippin neckbeard's favorite country? M'laysia
"
11832,"Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.
"
72973,"Had sex for the first time yesterday. It was a load off my chest. And a load onto hers.
"
122957,"I like musical instruments that you blow into. They're pretty... *Breathtaking*
"
231460,"What's the difference between menstrual fluid and sand? You can't gargle sand.
"
128007,"Celebrity Deaths would scare Stevie Wonder. But he would never see death coming.
"
24242,"do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth """"starting now?"""" yes """"the judge looks like squints from the sandlot""""
"
15583,"CAFFEINE-FREE DIET COKE: BECAUSE YOU LOVE CARAMEL COLOR
"
165997,"Do you wanna play the rape game? """"no?"""" Well that's the spirit!
"
34912,"Why exactly did the teenage mutant ninja turtles need to wear masks? That shit doesn't fucking add up.
"
196135,"How many ears does spock have? (if you don't get it read it aloud) a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.
"
106592,"Did you hear about the narcoleptic, necrophiliac mortician? He fell asleep in the job.
"
223057,"hunter s. thompson was cool, but there were also tribes that were gatherer s. thompson
"
24634,"I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
"
68032,"What do you call an attractive ghost butt that is at max poop capacity? Booootyfull
"
76579,"Where do most illegal immigrants go in America? Allah-bama.
"
1454,"How do you make a horomone? You don't pay her. (My mom is sick. Hilarious. But sick. )
"
99029,"Son: I can't go to school today. Father: Why not? Son: I don't feel well Teacher: Where don't you feel well? Son: In school!
"
69979,"I think the closest I've come to playing romantic music at a girl's window is when I forgot to turn down """"Eye Of The Tiger"""" at the drivethru
"
71070,"What do you call a fat person who likes trance music? Trans fat
"
222910,"What's a Warboy's from Mad Max's favourite web browser? Chrome
"
25309,"Father Christmas: All right my good lady my face is my ticket. Box office attendant: Then you'd better watch out... there's a feller inside who has the job of punching the tickets.
"
116118,"What do you call an intense love of math? Calculust.
"
37690,"Why do feminists only drive cars with automatic transmissions? It pains them to have standards.
"
23996,"No. I'm not pregnant. That's my liver.
"
33987,"I like my women like I like my cellphone plan... Free on nights and weekends.
"
181968,"I like my pick-up lines how I like my cheetos Dangerously Cheesy
"
49207,"My wife said I could cum in the other hole tonight. But for some reason she got angry when she saw me lying in bed with her friend.
"
123951,"What did my step-dad say before bludgeoning by brother to death with a vacuum cleaner? Dyson.
"
222218,"I saw on the news Boy George's bearded dragon has attacked and bitten his housekeeper 6 times in the last month I reckon he needs a calmer chameleon.
"
157305,"Why have they created sweet tampons? for sour puss(ys)
"
161703,"Why was the electoral map feeling down? It wasn't, it was feeling blue.
"
10304,"what's the worst part about being a pedophile? trying to fit in.
"
99223,"Steve : I'm going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra. *Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
"
34725,"A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her  diskettes.
"
46253,"What's /r/blackpeopletwitter's favourite charity? ox-fam
"
88642,"What would happen if tarantulas were as big as  horses ? If one bit you you could ride it to hospital !
"
126917,"Why do Physics and Biology teachers never get along? Because they have no chemistry
"
168940,"If you were a dinosaur what would you be? Dead
"
167215,"Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no
"
87342,"Batman prank calls Spider-Man... Batman asks, """"Is uncle Ben home?"""" Spider-Man says, """"No! He is at the theater with your parents!""""
"
50554,"After the explosion at the cheese factory... all there was left was de brie
"
31904,"Donald Trump should hire the Chinese to build the wall After all, they have experience.
"
229543,"what is the cruelest joke of all? Your Life.
"
178050,"What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard? Sorry you're not my type.
"
42332,"Me: You won't believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza. Him: M: *looks down* *sees pepperoni all over*
"
178523,"What will Putin be having for Thanksgiving dinner? Turkey.
"
193142,"Never Marry A Tennis Player Love means nothing to them.
"
162432,"Karma takes too long, I'd rather beat the shit out of you just now.
"
10332,"there's a pile of shoes by the door and you're looking for the pair that will be the quietest for when you leave
"
40790,"a Rabbi, an accountant, a banker, and a doctor walk into a bar mitzvah
"
13776,"Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven't decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.
"
151326,"What do you call a family of 8 rabbits? One rabbyte
"
181652,"Did you know that in Louisiana, a football field goes underwater every hour? Of course, no one there cares until it's an actual football field.
"
9970,"Did you year about the chinese male prostitute? He'll give you a Bro-Job.
"
97801,"Q: What did the potato ask the cow? A: Give me some milk, and we can make mashed potatoes.
"
72904,"Islam is a religion of piece....There is a piece there, and another piece n the ground there Not an original joke just found it.
"
166749,"I took a blind taste test today Turns out they taste just like regular people
"
148172,"Wifey is pregnant again. She wants a girl but I want a black guy so I have someone to play basketball with.
"
18768,"If you cross a telephone and a lobster  what will you get? Snappy talk.
"
190528,"Why did the computer programmer put his brownies back in the oven? They were too GUI.
"
26485,"An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we're an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
"
10324,"Why can nobody understand sausages when they talk??? Because they speak in tongs. I'll show myself the door
"
137440,"If I ever lose my phone I want Liam Neeson looking for it
"
137790,"You don't get smarter as you get older. There just aren't any stupid things left that you haven't already done.
"
26552,"Why should you never date a tennis player? Love means nothing to them.
"
11460,"Thanks to Volkswagen, I'm now even starting to doubt if Herbie was a true story.
"
225519,"[flashback to 1st date] *cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn Me: Popcorn? Her: No thanks. (Mom reaches from row behind) """"I'll have some.""""
"
40765,"What goes on forever with no head? A loveless marriage.
"
34300,"Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we'll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
"
165954,"They're playing Earth, Wind and Fire. I was not prepared to party this hard at Home Depot.
"
168072,"What do French people say when they don't want to see someone ever again? Au nevoir.
"
179044,"Why did you hit your birthday cake with a  hammer? Because you said it was pound cake!
"
88872,"I was born a Catholic Which came as a big surprise to my parents who were both protestants. Source: Irish actor Michael Redmond (Fr. Stone in Fr. Ted) on 'An Irishman Abroad' podcast.
"
213264,"Women who bleach their mustaches, clearly don't understand the problem with mustaches.
"
75133,"""""Selfie"""" has come to mean any photo of a person. At this rate, it will be the only word in the English language in 2023, meaning everything.
"
210716,"Which historical invention was the most revolutionary? The wheel :)
"
63570,"I think I finally found your G-Spot. It's been in my wallet the whole time.
"
181594,"I'm a necrophiliac. I like my Heine's cold.
"
90480,"If you're gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent's birthday so they know why.
"
160368,"How many isolationists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they prefer to live in the dark.
"
108967,"Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A Flat Miner.
"
43674,"do you know why the chameleon couldn't change colors? he has a reptile dysfunction
"
133812,"Everybody thinks I am a psychopath... but I don't care what they think.
"
100767,"""""Aw shit, my blackberry photos got hacked"""" ... ...said nobody ever
"
156044,"New Feature exclusive to 2015/16 Chevy Trucks Magnetic Bumber; recover the parts as they fall off.
"
20957,"I have sex almost every day! Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...
"
209178,"If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
"
182050,"My aunt used to say """"slow and steady wins the race"""" she died in a fire
"
212278,"dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more
"
88427,"i wear glasses n walk around eating apples n everyone is like """"wow. he prolly subscribes 2 the economist"""" but joke's on them i can't read
"
202792,"I went to the library today I said: do you have any books on suicide? She said: we did, but no one brings them back
"
23297,"Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last as long for fat people
"
120359,"What do you call a black guy who flies a plain? A pilot, you fucking racist.
"
88127,"What is worse than Spygate? Deflate-Gate
"
152313,"I went to a seafood disco last night Pulled a mussel
"
206865,"What do you get when you take the pee out of poops oops
"
197711,"Best Joke I know Reddit on April fools' day.
"
51227,"I sent in a list of my top ten puns to the newspaper hoping at least one would be selected for the joke of the day. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
"
222719,"They say I have the legs of a dancer.. but until they find the rest of the body the cops have got nothing on me man!
"
210826,"DM: This person is writing offensive posts about you. ME: Oh cool, you follow my wife! Tell her I said hi!
"
121076,"Nigel Farage gets his girlfriend pregnant.. Soon after the pregnancy test arrived as positive, he says """"My fatherhood ambition has been achieved. I want my life back""""
"
36576,"The president of a popular mail-order business just died. The funeral will be held in 3 - 5 business days.
"
169404,"Only funny if you own a dog: I think my dog must have a very cold nose. Every time it walks into a room, all the other dogs sit down.
"
24016,"I'm so lazy, If autocorrect doesn't know the word after 3 letters I don't even bother sending the text.
"
164180,"Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won't talk on the phone? GF: What? M: A Guy-no-call-ogist. GF: I'm killing u in ur sleep tonight.
"
73078,"Your honor this man killed my parents and deserves life but could you make sure he has internet access because he retweets me a lot.
"
99677,"What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A senior high school math problem.
"
14771,"Did you hear about the new transgender operation? It's called a strapadictomy
"
65810,"What's an avocado's favorite music? Guac N' Roll
"
195460,"Why did the sailor ground his son? His grades were below sea level ^^im ^^so ^^sorry
"
94476,"[Nerd joke] Yo mamas so fat... That her jiggle physics can break a gtx titan x quad sli
"
72117,"If I ever have a daughter, i'm gonna name her Desire And when she is 18, I'll kick her out of the house and when she asks why, I'll say """"Because all suffering comes from desire"""".
"
61489,"Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments below
"
169864,"I wonder if people in 3rd world countries know that we can choose between crushed and regular ice cubes.
"
150551,"Whats the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter? Harry can escape the chamber.
"
40177,"I bet women love the first dimension... It's allllllllllllllll length.
"
53462,"[after first date] Him: I had a great time, I'd love to see you again Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
"
77461,"What do you call a really cranky shaman with bad breath and osteoporosis? A Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis
"
166292,"I know my limits: if I fell down it means enough.
"
25406,"Dear algebra, Stop telling us to find your x, she's never coming back. Don't ask y. Sincerely, PB1541
"
17418,"Why did the poor art collector only buy miniature paintings? He wanted more Monet in his wallet.
"
40568,"Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. Everyone belongs in the kitchen. Kitchen has the food, guys
"
199235,"My cat is 11 and still only has one word, should I be worried.
"
26139,"People are like books. You can't judge them by appearance alone and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.
"
117339,"if i ever spontaneously combust, i hope it's around somebody i don't like and that they're wearing their favorite outfit.
"
137796,"What did the poor ghetto dweller get for Christmas? Your bicycle.
"
49063,"You know what I'd like for Christmas, mom? I'd like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I'd like some money and some new socks.
"
179152,"Why is whacking a Donald Trump pinata a really *bad* idea? Because it's full of shit
"
85077,"What's the difference between a bag of chips and a duck with the flu? One's a quick snack and the other's a sick quack!
"
594,"I voted for Jill Stein Finally I'm part of the 1%
"
53521,"What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry Potter made it out of the chamber.
"
106925,"What do you call a fish with no """"eyes""""? Fsh
"
134527,"Whenever someone asks, """"you look familiar, where do I know you from?"""" I like to respond with, """"Well do you watch porn...?""""
"
140778,"Did you hear about the gay midget? He was a little quiet.
"
93439,"What did Paul McCartney say to John Lennon while going through a swinger phase Got to get you into my wife
"
91689,"ME: when I was 12 I got the flu so bad I had to be in the hospital GUY WHO TRIES TO ONE-UP EVERY STORY: oh yeah? when I was 13 I died
"
198225,"What's the most racist letter of the alphabet? Not Z.
"
18466,"Women think they are smart for faking orgasm Men fake whole relationships just to get sex.
"
17024,"What do you get when you cross a bungee cord with an owl?? My ass.
"
26084,"Coffee is the silent victim in our house... It gets mugged every day.
"
215771,"I promised my wife I would not joke with her when she was PMSing. She has my word, period.
"
169041,"No bees were harmed in the making of my new short film, """"Bees on Fire: Screams from Inside a Hive"""".
"
208270,"Case closed Cop: """"Did you kill this man?"""" Me: """"No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed.""""
"
33799,"I should never read tweets at work because I laugh out loud and everyone asks what's funny and I have to say this excel spreadsheet.
"
130184,"Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, """"car bidet.""""
"
128545,"What spice do you find in hell? SINammon (Sorry)
"
230438,"Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don't have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?
"
39317,"im 100% for equal rights for women! I mean so what they are inferior to men?
"
155316,"I can already tell December 21st will be the most annoying day in Facebook history.
"
209943,"Why are Austalian grocery stores the best? Because of their Koala Tea
"
5925,"My favorite palindromes I've come across are tit and boob.
"
48568,"still can't say """"jk"""" without whispering """"rowling""""
"
212034,"The ONE time I actually want to say """"duck"""", damn you autocorrect! """"Sorry again! I'd love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond""""
"
145238,"Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their pecker is on their face.
"
83846,"They say honesty is the best policy, but quite frankly, I think a million-dollar life insurance policy on a super old dude sounds better.
"
118631,"What do you call a mountain of puns? Mount Cleverest
"
95236,"My girlfriend told me to humble down shes just jealous of the fact that I'm the most humble man on earth
"
83433,"How many graphic designers does it take to change a light bulb? Does it have to be a light bulb? 'Cause I had this other idea...
"
4010,"It's so cold this morning I had to seperate my dogs poop into two seperate bags and use them as hand warmers.
"
48469,"If you are American when you go into the bathroom and American when you leave, what are you when are using the bathroom? European
"
49725,"How can you tell a Belgian in a submarine? He's the one with a parachute on his back.
"
35508,"What do you call a British voyeur? A bird-watcher.
"
99304,"When you first learn about the Banach-Tarski Paradox it sounds cool... ...but, when you break it down, you'll realize you've actually seen it twice.
"
7206,"What do Russians and gays have in common? They both like bears.
"
47419,"A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
"
140688,"'Twas the night before Christmas, and everyone knew, you were still out shopping, yes, it sucks to be you.
"
168474,"A sociopath walks into a bar The bartender asks, """"What do you feel like having?"""" """"Nothing.""""
"
107302,"Top Rated Videos: Dangerous Joke ever.Baby is being Edict.awkward http://streetpranks.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/dangerous-joke-everbaby-is-being.html
"
60530,"Sex is a great way to get rid of stress, so go f*ck yourself and calm down
"
92835,"I've got some good news and some bad news... You've won a free trip to Cairo!
"
62320,"What was the name of the film about a  killer lion that swam underwater ? 'Claws.'
"
186033,"If he's dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all """"I still haven't gotten my period.""""
"
94114,"Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.
"
129065,"Did you hear about the pig who saved a man's life? There was this guy who was starving to death...
"
133239,"Me and my girlfriend always wanted a baby. We tried really hard, but nothing worked. We finally got one when we expected it the least! BAM, over the whole windshield.
"
45124,"My father held his temper very well.... Every time we would get mad, he would just count to 100. Then take my head out of the water.
"
5214,"French toast I saw on the menu at a small restaurant 10% more French in your toast and I asked the waitress what that meant and she said. """"We swear at it""""
"
178657,"Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ............no matter how magnificent they look.
"
225531,"how did I escape iraq iran
"
201152,"Me and Justin Trudeau have alot in common... We both hope our budget will balance itself
"
75052,"People are always asking me why I named my pet newt 'Tiny' It's because he's my newt. ^minute ^^means ^^^small
"
178699,"Photographers never like it when a camera can't take pictures. They shutter at the thought.
"
43441,"You know what's odd? Every other number.
"
120235,"I went to the zoo today. The only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shitzu.
"
160637,"Had to fire my personal Trainer. He dint do squat.
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142131,"What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mugshot? A Cellfie.
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125182,"2 pedophiles on a bench in the park. A little girl with a lollypop walks by... p1: Oh, man, she used to be so hot back in the days!
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150628,"Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify should just grow a pear.
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205098,"""""You're saying it's all an act? Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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63213,"*turns on internet* computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
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192508,"How are gay men like tumbleweed? They blow and blow until they wind up on a fence post in Wyoming.
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155152,"Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician? He worked it out with a pencil.
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121611,"Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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40408,"What do you get when you plant a loaf of bread? A bakery.
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37749,"A Mormon walks into a bar.
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51893,"What's the difference between heroin and foot long dicks? Your mom isn't addicted to heroin.
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93703,"Q: When is an outlaw neither left-handed nor right-handed? A: When he's red-handed.
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6220,"We never knew he was always drunk... ...until he showed up to work sober.
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167075,"Cop: Know why I pulled you over? """"No"""" Cop: *points* Your buck naked [turns to deer in passenger seat] """"Jesus Frank, put your fur back on""""
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60332,"Fun Fact By law, fun facts don't have to be true, but actual facts do. Just a fun fact I thought I'd share.
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56441,"So, I was looking around for some vacuum...
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212579,"What a precious thing it is to bond with someone by talking shit about somebody else.
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31356,"My first dad joke So, early this morning my wife got up and questioned me after I got up early with our son and fed him. Her: Did you get our son sick? Me: Nope, I got him cereal.
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104830,"My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
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121552,"ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair YOU: Ok ME: [drinks from toilet like dog] YOU: You've made your point I'll wash up some glasses
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19783,"Apple products Remove the USB port and nobody bats an eye. Remove the headphone jack and everybody loses their minds!
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85404,"Kim Jong Un walked into a bar The North Korean media still said he got a gold for high jump
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172853,"*found in the netflix horror section* """"Mary has a secret that'll TEAR YOU APART"""" Movie name: Mary piranha
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190182,"Rene Descartes is chilling with his girlfriend. She asks: """"What are you thinking of?"""" He says: """"Nothing."""" and disappears.
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14000,"A rabbi, a Priest, and a duck walk into a bar... and the bartender says """"What is this, a fucking joke?""""
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99020,"Cokie's Shit Welcome to my shit
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55217,"There are three people with four cigarettes on a boat. None of them have a lighter or matches. What do they do? Throw a cigarette over-board so the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter!
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230929,"What does the Sargeant of the Knowledge division always tell his troops to get? in formation
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190113,"Why did the lonely man work on his days off? (X-post /r/dadjokes) He loved the company.
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197423,"There are 11 types of people in this world... those who know unary and those who don't have fingers. :)
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67163,"What's the difference between Barbara Walters and Oprah? Oprahs Black
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146662,"I'm Mexican and my teacher asked me to turn in my essay. But I ain't no snitch.
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178681,"A man walks into a Japanese bar... he wants a vodka, so he walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a Stoli the bartended replies, """"Once upon a time...""""
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57951,"Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom
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187901,"Tried to catch fog the other day... Mist
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72951,"I've been with the same woman for twenty years. Don't tell my wife. She'd kill me.
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146461,"A couple orders a pie at a luxury restaurant The husband eats 4/7 of the pie and the wife the rest. He paid 4.5$ more than her. How much did the pie cost?  Answer in comments
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6091,"Friend: """"Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?"""" Me: """"Sure"""" *walks up to girl* *whispers* """"magnanimous""""
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133594,"Why did everyone want to invite the mushroom to the party... Cause he was a fungi
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25063,"Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
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73605,"What is the Technical name For IronMan Overreacting? """"Fe"""" male
"