id
int64 0
3.41k
| text
stringlengths 179
12.5k
| label
int64 0
1
| text_label
stringclasses 2
values |
|---|---|---|---|
3,200 | Is Smoking Kale a Healthier Way to Get Stoned Than Marijuana? Yuppies Think So
Kale has become the go-to leafy green for trendy yuppies lately, but the chewy wild cabbageâs reputation has gone to pot it seems. The N.Y. Times and Toronto Star are both reporting today that kale is the new weed of choice among both college students and annoying, self-important, thirty-something twat heads who have no damn idea theyâre already a bit past it and too old to set trends. âOh man, those like totally weird yuppies arenât buying kale to eat itâ¦have you tasted it? Or tried to chew it?â said Dee Waters, assistant junior manager of fruits, vegetables, beans, grains, and nuts at Whole Foods in Lower Manhattan. âTheyâre drying it and smoking it up. Goes well with craft beer. And gives a real sweet body stoneâ¦or at least thatâs what I hear.â âWe canât keep it on the produce shelves right before weekends.â The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) told the Times that they are aware of the new usage for kale by yuppies and are carefully tracking the situation. Consideration is being given to an emergency YouTube anti-kale public awareness campaign according to an FDA spokesperson. âInhaling fumes from the combustion of any organic material is not healthy,â said the spokesperson. âDoes kale gives you a âbuzzâ? Wellâ¦the chemical make-up of Brassica oleracea is almost exactly the same as brussels sprouts.â âWould you put a brussels sprout in your bong and expect to get high?â The Toronto Star reports that street sales of marijuana are down while food stores across the city are struggling to keep up with demand for kale. âIâm totally into the whole work-life balance thing. And kaleâs got antioxidants, fibreâ¦all that good healthy stuff,â a 31-year-old IT professional working his lats at Extreme Fitness & Espresso Gym told the Star. âSmoking kaleâs kinda like a detox really. Get ripped and get healthy.â The Times article said NYPD has made no arrests of impaired persons attempting to buy cruciferous vegetables to date. | 1 | satire |
3,201 | Ferguson Protester Accidentally Burns Down Own House
A protester in Ferguson, Missouri accidentally burned down his own house last night after mistaking the building for a convenience store. According to a report in the Ferguson Post-Gazette, 32-year-old Tyler Jackson threw a Molotov cocktail into a window not realizing he was setting ablaze his own residence. The home, which was empty at the time, subsequently burned to the ground. âIt was dark. I got all turned around. I thought it was a 7-11 or something,â he told the newspaper. Witnesses describe Jackson shouting expletives after he realized what he had done. He then tried to put out the flames himself with a garden hose, but eventually called 911 and asked the fire department for aid. âThey told me they were too busy with other fires to come help,â he lamented. âI couldnât believe it. I mean we pay these peopleâs salaries! What do you mean you're too busy? âA black personâs house burns down and suddenly youâre âtoo busyâ to put the fire out? This is what racism in America looks like.â Ferguson was the site of a controversial shooting on Aug. 9 when Michael Brown, an 18-year-old unarmed black teenager, was shot by police officer Darren Wilson. Protests have raged in the town after a grand jury refused to indict Wilson on Monday. Although the majority of protests have been peaceful, a substantial minority of protesters have attacked law enforcement officers, looted stores and set fire to buildings. These attacks have been called self-defeating because they usually target stores located in their own community and owned by local businesspeople. The damage has been compounded by the fact that many fires go unattended due to concerns for the firefighterâs safety. Nevertheless sources say Jackson is considering filing a civil rights lawsuit against the fire department for not responding to the blaze. âIf it weren't for those racist firefighters Iâd still have a home,â he says. | 1 | satire |
3,202 | âIraqi Idolâ TV Singing Competition Cancelled
Producer Simon Cowell announced today that the Final Four taping of Iraqian Idol has been scrubbed due to a âspot of trouble with guns and bombs and suchâ around the nationâs capital. âItâs a bit of a bloody bum bugger really,â Cowell told BBC by Skype from the lobby of the Exxon Mobile Freedom Theater in downtown Baghdad. âAll those explosions going off were really making our sound recording all mookey.â âPlus we had some frisky fisticuffs in the ticket lineup between some Sunnis and some Shias but they all look the same to me.â The cancellation of the singing talent show is being taken as a telling sign by western mainstream media that all is not normal in Iraq. Fox News devoted a full hour to âthe sad news that such a great cultural event has been sacrificed just due to some Muslims wanting to kill each other.â âYou can directly trace the blame for the death of Iraqian Idol back to Benghazi,â said Fox entertainer Bill OâReilly. âAnd Obamacare didnât help much at all now did it?â With Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) insurgents closing in on Baghdad and former U.S. President George W. Bush calling for âdroning the ever-loving crapâ out of any âAarabsâ who get near oil pipelines or refineries, all-out civil war now seems a possibility according to CNNâs Wolf Blitzer (not his real name). The tense military situation led McDonalds and KFC to announce today that their outlets in Baghdad will temporarily cease 24-hour service. With Emirates Airlines reporting only one or two passengers on their flights into Baghdad International Airport, Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki made an appeal on his Facebook page for tourists not to cancel their travel plans to Iraq. âThe Hanging Gardens of Babylon are gorgeous this time of year,â al-Maliki posted. âClick and print the coupons below for half-price admission to the Garage Where Saddam Hussein Was Hanged exhibit.â Simon Cowell says he is unsure if Iraqian Idol will be rescheduled. âIâm pretty tied up right now filming So You Think You Can Dance Palestine, poor blighters.â | 1 | satire |
3,203 | Unlimited Tinder to Cost More for Older, Butt-Ugly Users
The worldâs #1 dating app has announced that people over 30 and anyone who looks like the south end of a donkey going north will have to pay more to use their new Tinder Plus premium services. If youâre under 30, you can now swipe left or right to your lonely, horny heartâs content for only $9.99 a month. But if youâre over 30, youâve likely either already lost any looks you once had or were never much to look at to begin with, and unlimited swiping will cost you $19.99 a month. âLook. Realityâs a bugger but once you turn 30, youâre likely not that enjoyable to look at,â said Tinder VP of Marketing, Chad Daly (22 next month). âAnd having old uglies trying to hook up with young good-lookers is taking away from the whole sense of romance for our users.â âWeâre hoping the extra $10 a month will give these people the hint that itâs time to maybe take up a hobbyâ¦something that will take their minds off being old, unattractive, and alone.â The move to begin charging high-frequency Tinder users was widely anticipated as many of the appâs estimated 60 million users complain that the system is getting bogged down by homely, past-their-best-before-date men who swipe right to show interest in anyone who meets their standards of being female. âIf this works like we think it will, Tinder will now be solely for young, good-looking men and womenâ¦no ugly elders pretending theyâre younger and movie-star material. Hahaha,â said Daly. âSo if everyone over 30â¦and by everyone I mean mostly homely menâ¦could maybe just start up their own dating app, that would be great.â âAnd to our fabulous, younger users, keep swiping for only $9.95.â âTTYL.â | 1 | satire |
3,204 | Apple Watch Launch Cancelled as Apple Admits They Forgot to Include a Watch on the Watch
You wonât be able to watch Netflix on your wrist today after all as Apple Inc. announced today that a âdesign oversightâ will delay the launch of Apple Watch. They forgot to make the Watch a watch. As in it doesnât tell time. âWith all the amazing bells and whistle, we kinda forgot to include a watch on the Watch,â Apple CEO Tim Cook told CNN this morning. âEunice down in caretaking was the first one to notice the Apple Watch doesnât tell the time.â âMan, that was an oooops moment I tell yaâ.â The smart-watch Apple Watch was scheduled to go on sale today after the company recently announced they had worked out all the glitches on the remote-control car starter, but the embarrassed company now says adding an actual watch will delay the launch until at least September. Features on the Apple Watch were to include 10 sensors that take health measurements of the wearer including heart rate, blood pressure and urine acidity levels but those were scrapped when testing showed the constant monitoring meant the battery had to be recharged every 2 hours. After a watch is added to the Watch, they are expected to retail for between $350 for the plastic model and up to $4,000 for the gold model with a 4-D hologram of Steve Jobs. âThe Apple Watch that time forgot,â product analyst Dale Liverpool called it in a Wired Magazine post. âWho cares if you can take movie-quality videos with it if you have to ask some dude with a $19 Walmart watch what time it is?â CEO Cook assured consumers the wait will be worth it and used the much-awaited media conference to instead announce an array of changeable straps in a variety of fashionable colors. âYou will be able to mix and match so your Apple Watch goes with any ensemble from business attire to Lululemon.â âSo youâll be lookinâ goodâ¦andâ¦yeahâ¦weâll fix it so youâll be able to tell what time it is.â âSorry.â | 1 | satire |
3,205 | Blackhawkâs Patrick Kane Rushed to Hair Salon
Immediately following the Chicago Blackhawkâs victory over the Boston Bruins in the NHL Stanley Cup series, Patrick Kane was rushed to a hair salon for emergency treatment of what the team is calling an âupper bodyâ concern. âPatrick took some pretty good shots to the mullet,â said a grim Hawksâ coach Joel Quenneville. âHe was mussed up pretty badly but heâs day-to-day and weâll know more over the next 48 hours.â The games between the two teams have been rough with neither team shaving or giving an inch, resulting in the latest injuries to the Bruinsâ Patrice Bergeron (suspected ruptured spleen or kidney) and Hawksâ captain Jonathan Toews (suspected concussion or sinus oozing). âWe expect Patrick to be lookinâ good in the lineup for the game in Boston,â said Quenneville. âHis feathered bangs may not be 100% but these guys all play through these things at playoff time.â The diminutive Kane has over 200,000 twitter fans and his facebook pageâ¦âI Want to Have Patrick Kaneâs Babyââ¦was briefly shut down due to high volumes when reports of his do injury were first reported. | 1 | satire |
3,206 | Wearing an Adult Diaper While Binge-Watching All Part of the Fun â Survey
Netflix and Depends For Grown-Ups released the findings of a nationwide survey today showing that the majority of adults who binge-watch TV say they hate being interrupted once they get in their zone. So they turn off their phones, park themselves in front of their TVs, and surround themselves with salty snacks and multiple beverages. And more than 1/4 of them put on adult diapers. âNo way Iâm stopping to pee once I get into the third season of House of Cards,â said one survey respondent who said itâs actually kind of fun having a sopping wet crotch. âI donât even want to think about my bladderâ¦or my bowels for that matter.â âDoing it in my pants is part of the whole TV binge-watching experienceâ¦I mean I donât really notice when it happens but it adds a little something if you want to know the truth.â Netflix tracking studies show that a significant percentage of their viewers watch in stretches exceeding 7 hours. And when Kimberly-Clark (also the makers of Huggies Not For Grown-Ups) launched their new Depends â8-Hour Pull-Ups With A Whiff of Lilacâ, both companies saw mutual marketing opportunities. âA lot of our viewers ask us to recommend a long-lasting adult diaper,â said Netflix Customer Service Director Sandra Bellows. âSomething that can handle at least two six-packs of beer or half a box of wine.â âSo we teamed up with the fine folks at Depends to do research and find out how big our binge-watching, pants-peeing audience is.â âWho knew so many people piss their pants over some of our shows?â As a result of the survey findings, new subscribers to Netflix now get a complimentary weekend-pack of Depends For Grown-Ups, and specially-marked packages of Depends include a coupon for one month of free Netflix. | 1 | satire |
3,207 | Victoriaâs Secret Racy-But-Impractical Underwear TV Show Ratings Are In
Men across North America hastily changed the channel and told their wives and girlfriends they were watching ânothingâ last night during the annual broadcast of the Victoriaâs Secret Fashion Show. But it seldom worked it seems. Rick Millard of Kamloops, BC, was amongst the many men who watched while their wives were in the other room. He semi-complained that âIt happens every year! They put supermodels on TV in underwear and I get in trouble for wanting to watch!â His wife walked in at the half-hour mark of the broadcast and Millard quickly tried to switch back to the NBA game, but it was too late. âSatellites have that damn delay when ya switch the channel and I paid the price.â Rickâs wife Donna asked him why he was watching the show and Millard wisely shrugged and avoided eye contact. She then went on a five-minute rant about the âdisgusting eventâ and asked whether those âskinny, boney women were what men really wanted?â Millard correctly answered that Donna was all he wanted and got himself out of hot water, at least until next yearâs show. Jeff MacEachern of Kanata, Ontario, was not so fortunate. He made the mistake of getting caught watching and when asked by his longtime girlfriend Megan whether he âthought those sticks with eyes were hotâ, responded with a silence that was interpreted by Megan to be an affirmative answer. Despite his best pleas Jeff spent the evening on the couch. This year saw a dip in the number of cases of men sleeping on couches due to spousal conflict arising from the Victoriaâs Secret Show, according to Murroughâs Polling Firm. Analysts believe this is due to an increase in the number of men recording the broadcast on PVR to be watched at a later, safer time. Today (known in the retail world as âApology Thursdayâ) was a busy one for florists around Canada and the US as men everywhere attempted to charm/buy themselves out of the doghouse. Mr. MacEachern stated that although he had learned his lesson, he doubts he will change his viewing habits next year. âI regret nothing,â he stated before stepping into the local jewelry shop. | 1 | satire |
3,208 | Bieberâs Codpiece Reels in Million Dollar Bid
A mystery bidder drove a hard bargain at a Justin Bieber charity auction on Saturday, paying one million dollars for the codpiece the âBabyâ singer famously used to boost his bulge. The apparatus was employed during Bieberâs controversial Calvin Klein photo shoot last year, with the Internet erupting over claims that the photos were heavily doctored. Bieber initially denied the allegations, claiming that his newly-buff physique was the result of his strict adherence to former Calvin Klein spokesmodel Mark Wahlbergâs renowned Marky Mark Workout. Hosted by Bieberâs grandparents in his hometown of Stratford, Ontario, the auction includes such prized Bieberphrenalia as his used Toronto Maple Leafs comforter, Nike basketball shoes, and the wheelchair he famously used to jump the lines at Disneyland. The codpiece (which according to sources is actually an old CCM jockstrap) was a late addition to the item list, FedExed to Stratford by Bieber himself on Friday to enhance the auction. Following the offer, Bieberâs grandparents were scrambling to find more bulge-related Bieber baubles to put up for sale. As of press time several tube socks and a pair of Spider Man underpants had been added to the list of auction items. Little is known about the mystery buyer at this time, save for the fact that theyâre a person of means with a clear predilection for Bieberâs private parts. | 1 | satire |
3,209 | âStop Peelin Justin Bieberâs Bananaâ Rob Ford Yells at Reporters
Mixing Jimmy Buffet and Bob Marley lyrics with fake Jamaican patois, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford bellowed out at media late today over coverage of pop star Justin Bieberâs recent Miami arrest. âWhy all you reporters kickin Bieberâs coconuts eh mon?â Ford asked loudly of reporters waiting for the Mayor outside downtown Torontoâs Pork Chop King restaurant and bar. âDoin ya big man ting on a good kid who got a lil highho on his own personal time?â âDatâs a good yong mon dereâ¦a real cheeseburger in paradise if you see wot I mean.â Footage of Ford swearing and rambling in a mixture of English street-gang slang and Jamaican patois at Etobicokeâs Steak Queen restaurant got wide media coverage last week but was bumped off the front pages by 19-year-old Bieberâs Miami arrest for DUI, resisting arrest, drag racing, not having a valid driverâs license and being a little zit. âDis ainât right yous guys,â Ford continued as he made his way to his black Escalade with reporters shouting questions the Mayor chose to ignore. âTryya be nice. Letâs get together an feel alright, alright?â As stunned reporters watched and listened, the Mayor did a little dance shuffle and quietly sang âDonât worry bout a ting, cause every little ting gonna be all right.â Ford admitted last week that he had been âdrinking a little bitâ despite repeated promises that he had totally quit crack, meth, pot, prescription drugs, model airplane glue and alcohol. âLook, let da Bieber mon alone right,â said Ford as he took a parking ticket from under his windshield wiper and tossed it onto the passenger seat. âWeâre all just searchinâ for our lost shaker of salt, naah I mean?â | 1 | satire |
3,210 | 50 Shades of Grey: The Video Game
Getting your hands cuffed to your own ankles while being virtually spanked and having various orifices penetrated became an entertainment option for millions of under-fulfilled housewives today with the release of âFifty Shades of Grey: The Video Gameâ on PlayStation and Xbox. And the new interactive game doesnât leave men out of the bondage (BDSM) fun as gamers can choose to be either dominant, penis-packing Christian Grey or submissive, okay-stick-it-anywhere Ana Steele.âGet to the root of any video game and itâs all about the pursuit of kind, romantic hero-sex,â said Sam Houser, President of Rockstar Games, publisher of the Grand Theft Auto series, as he announced the launch of the new game.âFifty Shades of Grey: The Video Game is one penetrating game Iâve got to tell you.ââHandcuffs? For sure. Whips? You bet. Cucumbers? Your call.ââThis game puts you in controlâ¦with an agreed-upon safe word of course.âThe Fifty Shades of Grey movie has screamed to the top of box office sales since its launch and two theater (âtheatreâ in Canada and the U.K.) chains are reportedly now providing âDo Not Disturbâ signs for bathroom stalls. The N.Y. Times is reporting that there were 17 in-theater arrests during the movie this past weekend mostly involving middle-aged people disrupting other viewers by moaning or shouting âIâm looking up there Ida but I canât find my car keys.ââPlay Fifty Shades of Grey: The Video Gameâ¦get your honest freak on I guess,â said Houser.âI played it last nightâ¦good timesâ | 1 | satire |
3,211 | Putin: Call of the Wild. In Theaters February 28th, 2015
It is being called Putin: Call of the Wild and critics maintain that, comprising roughly 2.3% of Russiaâs budget, it will be the most expensive movie ever made. With a length of twenty-three hours and including fifty thousand Russian infantrymen standing in as extras it will certainly be one of the longest and largest feature films ever produced. âBig, larger than life, visually stunning, this movie is me personified,â is how Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin described the upcoming film. He would know, playing all lead roles in the film, as well as being the movieâs director, producer, cameramen, and virtually everything else, as a sneak peek at the end credits proved. He is the man behind the madness. A Skilled and Sexy Fisherman A brief synopsis of the plot provided to us centers on the exploits of President Putin, who plays himself. The film begins when imperialist pawn-rebels rise up against the Russian government in conjunction with a massed Western invasion of the homeland. At this time Putin is living in a poor but idyllic Slavic village on the coast of the Black Sea. He spends the summer days teaching the villagers how to fish and hunt and the men how to satisfy their women. One sex scene between Putin and a young, hot and needy village girl is reportedly over two hours long and verging on hardcore porn. This certainly breaks the world record for longest sex scene ever captured on film. Yet as the invasion unfolds, unable to withstand the Western hordes, the Kremlin falls to the imperialists. Russian soldiers are murdered as they cry to their global brothers that war is never the answer. Betrayed on all sides, having trusted the honor of his debauched allies, Putin, ever the reluctant warrior, is forced to take up arms. First, he tries vainly to negotiate, but when American Bombers reduce the idyllic village he had been staying at to ruins and blow the hot and needy village girl to pieces before his eyes, he vows vengeance.  Putin Leading Solo Recon Mission With the Russian army in disarray, its proud people cowed, and Western Special Forces trying to track him down, Putin personally takes up the resistance. Wandering alone through the Russian wilderness, pleasing passing village girls in uncomfortably long sex scenes and building friendships with animals, his resolve only hardens. Taming a pack of Siberian bears that he learns to ride, Putin rallies the spirit of Mother Russia. After conducting a series of dangerous recon missions on the backs of giant birds he gains valuable insight on the enemyâs deployments, and the admiration of more needy village girls Sickened by the atrocities the foreigners are committing, murdered babies, tortured Orthodox nuns, Putin leads his army bear-back and wins victory after unstoppable victory. After defeating Arch-Tyrant Barack Obama (portrayed by Putin wearing blackface) in a martial arts duel amongst the ruins of the Kremlin, the imperialists sue for peace and Russia is saved. Ever the reluctant leader, Putin grudgingly agrees to lead and help rebuild the country once again, still dreaming of a simpler time, of a needy girl and little village on the Black Sea. As of press time, the feature filmâs worldwide theatrical release had been set at February 28th. Reports indicate that Russian audiences will not be able to leave the theater for any reason during its 23 hours of screen time. We at The Lapine eagerly anticipate the release of what may be the greatest and most original movie of our time. | 1 | satire |
3,212 | Obama Pledges $700 Billion Bailout of VA
President Barack Obama has called for a $700 billion bailout of the Veterans Administration in response to a growing scandal over veteran abuse and mismanagement at its hospital system. In a press conference this morning, the president said he was âfurious and upsetâ over revelations that officials at a Phoenix VA hospital covered up the long list of veterans waiting to receive treatment, 40 of whom may have died as a result. Twenty-six hospitals and facilities where similar claims have been reported are now being investigated. âWhat we have seen here is mismanagement at the top levels," Obama said. "Abuse, incompetence, and a lack of strict oversight has been going on for years at the VA, and it has ruined peopleâs lives and forever shaken the American peopleâs confidence in an important institution. "Thatâs why I believe the correct course of action is to have Congress authorize a $700 billion bailout of the VA, so we can bandage up this problem and get the ship back on course. âAs we learned from past crises such as the Wall Street financial meltdown, asking insiders to fix the problems they created by giving them a bunch of money is a fail-proof strategy. It worked for Wall Street, now let's make it work for our veterans.â The U.S. government bailed out several Wall Street firms during the depth of the financial crisis, most notably though its $700 billion Trouble Asset Relief Program (TARP). Although the money was eventually paid back, many economists worry that the program created a moral hazard and failed to address the root causes of the problem. "I'm all for increasing the VA's budget," says one veteran of the Iraq War, "but just giving them a blank check for $700 billion is ridiculous. We need a top-to-bottom rethink of veterans' care in this country. Since when does government just throw money at problems and expect them to go away?" In his remarks Obama called on legislators, health care lobbyists and VA officials to enact reforms as they oversee the spending of the bailout money, all of which will come from U.S. taxpayers. When asked if any more VA officials would be asked to resign over the scandal, or face possible legal repercussions, Obama dismissed the idea. âNo, of course not,â he said. âDonât be silly. Why would holding people accountable for their actions be necessary?â | 1 | satire |
3,213 | Harper Hip Hop Music Video Turned Down By SNL
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper sent in a music video of himself performing a hip hop version of âMy Wayâ to Saturday Night Live (SNL) with a request to be the showâs musical guest but the demo was rejected according to industry leaks. âI can confirm that we did receive a tape of Mr. Harper playing a mouth organ and shakinâ his Prime Ministerial biscuits but really have no further comment,â said Canadian-born SNL Executive Producer Lorne Michaels. SNL sources say the demo showed Harper wearing low-rise jeans with a lot of boxer shorts showing, a Michael Buble t-shirt, and plenty of bling. âThe manâs not a small human being but he sure had the rump roast action goinâ on,â said the SNL sound editor who asked not to be named. âThe tape came with a letter suggesting he be our musical guest, and it was on this official letterhead with a foil crest and everything. He signed it âLeader Dr. Steverââ¦now thatâs funny.â\nHarper has sang, played piano, and strummed a banjo several times since winning a majority government, belting out tunes by the Beatles, Nickleback and Anne Murray for party supporters. In the submitted SNL video, he apparently chose Canadian song writer Paul Ankaâs âMy Wayâ, rapping the words âI did itâ¦I did itâ¦I did it my wayâ over and over. The original version was a platinum hit for Frank Sinatra. âThis is a political slap in the face aimed at the Idle No More Movement,â said Liberal leadership candidate Justin Trudeau. âHe did it his way? Regrets? Heâll have a few.â\nThe Prime Ministerâs office refused to comment other than to say that âThe Prime Minister, like millions of Canadians, isnât idle in his love of music. He sings and plays accordian in his Church choir and enjoys a good karoak-eh*.â\nThe video appeared briefly on YouTube but was pulled down within hours of its posting. Any readers who captured the nearly 3-minute performance are asked to forward it to thelapine.ca (click on ireporter), theglobeandmail.com, or cbc.ca/television. Robin Steele\nReporting for The Lapine\n*âkaroak-ehâ is the Canadian spelling of âkaroakeâ | 1 | satire |
3,214 | Justin Bieber Jet Refused Air Passage by France
The U.S. government is denying exerting any pressure on the French government to turn away a private jet thought to be carrying pop idol Justin Bieber. âThe United States has no active file on foreign-born Justin Drew Pierre Mordecai Bieber, and does not ever threaten any government to deny air space passage to prancy singers,â said a White House spokesperson. âMr. Bieber is free to sing and woo teenaged girls and boys anywhere in the free world.â The jet rumoured to be carrying the famous teenager departed from Munich where Bieber was visiting his pet monkey Nipples, recently seized for humanitarian reasons after it was discovered the animal had been given a âBelieberâ tattoo. As the plane entered French air space, it was met by four Rafale fighter jets and forced away, finally landing in Zurich, Switzerland, for refueling. âMr. Justin Bieber was on board and was shrieking in this very high voice,â said an anonymous Swiss border official speaking from Kloten Airport where the Gulfstream V-SP jet landed. âWe gave him 10 kilos of Toblerone chocolate bars and a glow-in-the-dark Swatch and he seemed to calm down.â The French refusal to allow Beiberâs jet to travel over the country follows on the heels of the international incident that saw Bolivian President Evo Moralesâ plane refused passage by France, Italy, Spain and Portugal based on reports that American whistle-blower Edward Snowden or possibly his grandmother might be on board. The U.S. has not denied pressuring European countries to turn away the Bolivian jet as they work to capture Snowden, wanted for âextremely leaky traitorish espionageâ. Snowden released files showing that the U.S. National Security Agency (NSA) was secretely intercepting and recording the phone and internet communications of all Americans and Europeans in efforts to track terrorists and web-cam selfie masturbators. Young fans of Beiber flooded social media with repeated calls to boycott French fries, with one twitter fan promising to shave the tail pom-pom off the next French Poodle he sees. | 1 | satire |
3,215 | Duck Dynasty Introduces Line of Menâs Hair Care Products
The stars of hit reality series Duck Dynasty today launched a complete line of fine hair care products for men, just days after announcing their new lineup of semi-automatic weapons. âSplit ends are a bugger,â said patriarch Phil Robertson, star of the A&E series, at a media conference to launch the menâs grooming aids. âA guy wants body and manageability any time he might be around the young ladies. Most guys wonât admit it but look aroundâ¦they need hair help.â Removing his trademark camouflage bandana for reporters, the 67-year old shook his headful of shoulder-length hair wildly and mussed up his foot-long beard with his hands. Then, grinning for the cameras, he ran his fingers through his hair and beard. âDonât even need a comb with our new hair product. Youâre ready to go in nothing flat.â The line of Duck Dynasty Shampoo, Conditioner and Beard Sculpting Gel go on sale this week at Walmart, Target and all gun outlets that carry the new Duck Dynasty shotguns, semi-automatic rifles, high-capacity clips, or the slim-line semi-automatic pistol. âItâs not a sin to want to look your best,â said Philâs eldest son Jase (44). âWhether youâre jigging crayfish in Alabama or jiggering a hedge fund in New York City, the girls notice a fine head of hair.â Duck Dynasty is the most popular show in A&Eâs history, drawing audiences that top the Super Bowl and Honey Boo Boo combined. The reality show follows the Robertsonâs Louisana-based, family-run, duck-call making business, Duck Commander, and touches on topics ranging from patriotism to religion. Recent controversy over Philâs comments on homosexuality, African Americans, Muslims, Jews, atheists, Asians, young girls, bestiality, abortion, and the handicapped resulted in A&E temporarily suspending him from the show. Ratings have more than tripled during the controversy. âThe Bible says clearly that being all fussy about your hair can go to your head,â said Phil, as he did a product demonstration for media by massaging in Duck Dynasty Beard Sculpting Gel to the long white beard of his brother Si (65). âEcclesiastes 2:11 says âAll is vanity when the hair on your head is loose to stream after the wind or mudded as flat as the ground you stride uponââ¦thatâs pretty darned good advice about dry or greasy hair as best I can tell.â âEven a guy whoâs plain as a plank can catch a girlâs eye with good grooming,â Phil told FOX News following the launch announcement. âRead the Bible, fellas. God gives some pretty smart tips about how to care for your hair.â | 1 | satire |
3,216 | Duck Dynasty Star Causes New Outrage with Bestiality Comments on FOX News ââLove the Little Animalsâ
Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame continued his outspoken ways today with an interview on FOX News where he said homosexual sex is wrong but it is not wrong to have sex with animals. âThe Bible talks about filthy, messy, smelly homosexual sex,â Robertson told FOX News in a free-ranging and often rambling interview in their New York studios. âBut the Bible also says love the animals as if they were my children.â Robertson was briefly suspended from the hit A&E reality show, Duck Dynasty, after making comments about gay sex, slavery, abortion, 14-year-old girls, the role of women, and people with red hair. âThis is so offensive. Lock up your pets!â said People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) spokesperson Tanya Hamilton. âThis nutcase is actually advocating that itâs just fine to have sex with dogs, cats, hamstersâ¦â With an audience of over 13 million viewers, Duck Dynasty has become a runaway hit but Robertson has provoked outrage on social media with his more than controversial comments that he claims are Biblically supported. A&E issued a statement saying they are reviewing the FOX News interview and Robertsonâs comments about bestiality. âBut the Bible says that other menâs anuses are off limits,â Robertson clarified at one point in the FOX interview. | 1 | satire |
3,217 | Putin Eyes Perryâs Prize Pussy
Katy Perryâs pussy has apparently captured the attention of Russian President Vladimir Putin. Sources indicate Putin has contacted Perryâs management team with an offer to purchase the giant metallic tiger the pop singer rode during her performance at Super Bowl XLIX. While Putin has been quiet about his plans for the gargantuan gold-plated feline, reports out of Russia suggest he intends to use the tiger as the centerpiece of his re-election campaign in 2016. âThere are only so many palaces a man can build with siphoned public funds and bribes from the oil oligarchs,â notes political analyst Ivan Bengalev. âThe President feels itâs time to give something back to the common people with the money heâs stolen from them.â âHe wants to show them he still views their miserable plight with as much coldly detached derision as ever.â Putin allegedly intends on taking the tiger on a pan-Russian tour in 2015, hoping to combine it with a breathtaking pyrotechnic display and his own impressive physique to bring hope to the Russian people. With Russians still reeling from dropping oil prices, a collapsed currency, and the general malaise that accompanies living in a police state, itâs still uncertain what effect Putinâs garish display will have on national morale. When contacted, Perryâs publicist issued the following statement: âWhile Katy is honored President Putin is interested in using her pussy to inspire the Russian people, it has sentimental value after delighting so many. She respectfully requests the media give her pussy some time to recuperate before anyone else takes it for a ride.â | 1 | satire |
3,218 | Anger Grows as Canadians Told They Wonât Get to See the Super Bowl Halftime Show
The CRTC is being attacked today for their late announcement that the Super Bowl halftime show will not be broadcast in Canada and will be replaced by a live concert from Parliament Hill. The completely unforeseen announcement came earlier this afternoon from James Moore, Minister of Defending Canadian Heritage, and gobsmacked media and the public. âCanadian viewers will not see Katy Perry on Super Bowl Sunday,â a visibly nervous Moore said in his brief statement. âBuuuuuut, they will be treated to a live 1/2 hour performance by Anne Murray, Nickelback, some French folksingers, and the Canadian Armed Forces Really Big Tanks Military Band.â âThank youâ¦umâ¦..I like kittens and puppies.â Outrage grew quickly on social media with tens of thousands of posts blaming Prime Minister Stephen Harper, thousands blaming greedy-ass broadcaster CTV (A Division of Bell Media), and 7 people blaming themselves. Moore refused to take questions from reporters but did say that Prime Minister Harper has not decided if he will perform. | 1 | satire |
3,219 | Bruno Mars Tells Harper to Stop Performing âUptown Funkâ
Lawyers for Atlantic Records have warned Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to cease and desist singing the Bruno Mars hit âUptown Funkâ in public. âHe ainât got no funk, man. Noneâ¦atâ¦all,â Young Jeezy, Atlantic Vice President of A&R, told the L.A. Times today. âI mean I was watchinâ video of him do some gig for all these stuffed people and I was dyinâ manâ¦I was cryinâ it was so bad.â âBut fuck, I wasnât laughinâ when he started tryinâ to sing Brunoâs Uptown Funk.â âI knew I had to slap that guy down when he started to danceâ¦oh man oh man oh man.â Prime Minister Harper has frequently taken to stages to sing and play the electric organ for Conservative Party members and big business leaders. In a 2014 visit to Israel, Harper wowed a Tel Aviv crowd by singing a medley of Jewish folk songs, then breaking into pop songs and finishing with Helen Reddyâs 1975 hit âYou and Me Against the Worldâ, which reportedly brought Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to tears. The Times is reporting that calls to ask the Canadian Prime Ministerâs office about Atlanticâs demand were put on hold and the background music was âan off-tune man singing the lyrics âIâm too hot (hot damn)â¦Say my name you know who I amâ, lyrics from Mars hit song. âLook, if Canadaâs man wants to sing it in the shower, all good,â said Jeezy. âHe sings it within 10 feet of a microphone, Iâm suinâ his amateur ass.â | 1 | satire |
3,220 | Hollywood Gathering to Feature Stanley Cup Final Game
In what is being toted as an event that will outshine E3, thousands of celebrities are expected to attend a large gathering among the other celebrities at the Staples Centre in Los Angeles. The event, which will be broadcast across the nation, takes place June 4th at 5:00pm Pacific Standard Time, which is 9:30pm for those in Newfoundland who plan on watching. The ticket describes the event as a âchance for celebrities to gather, sit around and chat for at least two and a half hoursâ. What makes the event interesting is there will also be thousands of common folk attending the game, many of which have been attending gatherings like there more than 50 times since September. They are also said to be loud, and have constant mood swings, cheering one minute and booing the next, and often insulting someone called ârefsâ. If that wasnât grim enough there were expected to be a few Satan worshippers present as well. There had to be more to it, even though it was televised it appeared such a dull event, so I decided to investigate the matter further. The first celebrity tracked down David Beckham, who plays for some soccer team that is also in Los Angeles. When he confirmed he was attending the event at the Staples Centre he also gave us our first clue, noting that âitâs the ultimate chance to live the American Dream. Paying $15 dollars for a hot dog and a beer when you know it only costs half thatâ. This was hard logic to ignore. Later in the search for celebrities I found Rainn Wilson, who also confirmed that he was attending the event. While I assumed that paid for their own ticket, he quickly retorted with âFalse,â and then described how âeven though the tickets cost hundreds, or thousands of dollars, celebrities get in freeâ. It sure seemed like the celebrities had it easy, but I wasnât sold yet. Around the Staples Centre I found Kobe Bryant, fresh off his NBA playoff defeat, and got him to answer some more questions about the event. He said he plans to go for the âgood pressâ, which he clarified by mentioning âthat celebrities always get put up on the JumboTron.â He continued by saying âit shows that you donât think youâre above people who ride the peasant wagon to work every morning, so everyone sees you as a better person.â He also said to âbring some kids, preferably your ownâ. Before sulking off to one of his beach houses, Kobe answered how he can put up with the common folk at the game. âTheyâre easy to ignore,â he began, âtheyâre all watching some Canadian game going on in the arena below. Supposedly this series theyâre playing for some trophy thatâs like the NBA championship, but theyâve never won it here so I canât really verify it exists.â Case settled. With celebrities getting free publicity while living the American Dream it seems pretty obvious as to why this event will be the number one event on cable that evening. | 1 | satire |
3,221 | Kay Robertson Kicks Out Duck Dynasty Hubby Over Spoof Video about 14-Year-Old Girls
A satirical video circulating on YouTube that shows an actor reading quotes from Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson recommending 14-year-old girls to older men has gotten the bearded celebrity tossed out by his wife of 47 years. âThe Bible does not say itâs okay for deaf, hairy old men to go and get themselves a 14-year-old female,â Kay Robertson told The Baton Rouge Advocate and WBRZ Channel 2 (ABC) today. âPhil made that one up.â Kay (63) says she packed up Philâs camo khakis and told him to move out until he takes back his statements on young females being ideal for older men. She and Phil have been together since she herself was 14. âHe flirted me up a few days after my birthday party and Iâve loved him ever since,â she said recently in a People Magazine interview. âLook, I know thatâs not Phil in that fake video but as sure as the Book of Revelation those are Philâs words. He went too far this timeâ Phil Robertson has been widely covered in the media recently for his fundamentalist views on âhomosexualersâ, slavery, womenâs right to vote, margarine versus real butter, and the devil. âPhil can talk about what the Bible says about men doing anal sex up each other. He can talk about Godâs view on slavery and all those un-white folks. Biblical views on midgets and other odd bods? All fine by me,â Kay said to reporters via Skype. âBut itâs blasphemy to misquote Godâs Book. And itâs just dirty talk to suggest going out and getting yourself a 14-year-old.â The author of best selling cookbook, âMiss Kayâs Duck Commander Kitchenâ (Simon & Schuster), Kay said she is done with the Duck Dynasty empire unless her husband Phil takes back his âdating adviceâ for men. âHeâs maybe tasted my Crawfish Balls (Page 114 hardcover, page 89 paperback) for the last time.â | 1 | satire |
3,222 | YouTube Asked to Yank YMCA Song â Culturally Insensitive to a Hard Hat
The Ontario Union of Construction Workers (OUCW) yesterday petitioned YouTube to remove the popular 70âs music video âItâs Fun To Stay At The YMCAâ performed by the Village People because of the disrespectful depiction of a hard hat. âI donât think the public is generally aware of the severe psychological damage that this video has done to our members over the years,â said union boss Joseph Chow. âUnlike the other hats in this video, the yellow hard hat is more than just decoration. It has great cultural significance, and our membership is sensitive to that. These performers [The Village People] do not treat this emblematic headgear with respect.â Asked to elaborate he continued, âAn apprentice is awarded his first â pale yellow â safety headwear when he can successfully knock a Tim Hortonâs cup off a sawhorse with a nail gun from fifty feet. Itâs a small cup â the one that used to be a medium a while back â and itâs not as easy as you might think.â âSimilar rites of passage occur throughout the workerâs career, until he eventually becomes chief of a work crew. This is the way of our people.â Wolf-whistling union members on a site on Bloor Street today seemed unaware of the firestorm of controversy ignited by their union. YouTube was unavailable for comment. The video in question has been viewed over 34 million times. This is apparently the first recorded official complaint. But probably not the last. | 1 | satire |
3,223 | Colorado Prisons Allowing Recreational Marijuana
The Colorado Department of Corrections is now allowing inmates to grow and consume recreational marijuana, in accordance with state law for the rest of the population. Prison Warden Tom Norton told the Rocky Mountain News, âWeâve already seen a decrease in violent crime within the jails. Snack food contraband is up 300 percent but thatâs to be expected. We will continue to monitor the marijuana program but so far so good.â Each inmate is allocated one gram of marijuana per day but additional weed can be earned through good behavior and prison work programs. All the marijuana is grown on prisons grounds. âThe inmates enjoy agricultural part of growing the cannabis plants,â Norton said. âWe have a waiting list of prisoners wanting to trim the buds. âWe keep half of the crop and the rest goes to local Colorado pot dispensaries. Our current projection indicates prison weed sales will cover thirty percent of the incarceration cost by 2020.â The strain of prison grown marijuana is known as âKonvict Kushâ and is rated highly by High Times magazine and qualified for the prestigious Cannabis Cup award for the year's best marijuana. Colorado inmates appreciate the freedom to smoke pot in prison but the irony is not lost on all the felons. Former small-time pot dealer Ben Salter told High Times, âItâs a bit funny because Iâm in prison for weed. âIf I was born just a few years later I would have been a successful small business owner instead of a felon.â Salterâs cellmate John Winston tells a different story. âIf I had used weed on the outside instead of crystal meth I doubt I would have killed that hooker. I guess you never know cause she was pretty nuts like most hookers. Maybe smoking weed would have helped her and she wouldnât be dead now. Hindsight is 20/20. âI donât even mind being put in the âhot boxâ now. In fact, I find it relaxing. It gives me time to think about my screenplay.â Colorado conducted a poll on the pot for prisoners program which came back overwhelmingly positive. âCertainly helps kill the time and makes the concrete cell more manageable,â Winston said. âOnly 17 years left on my sentence. Hey, maybe meth will be legal by the time I get out.â | 1 | satire |
3,224 | Pussycat Lounge Strip Club Breathes New Life Into Tel Aviv Architectural Gem
Sometimes a noble effort is enough to render a less than perfect experiment a thing of beauty.  Take, for example, Sid and Marty Kroft's The Brady Bunch Hour which was a late-1970s abomination of a variety show. This is precisely how you might feel entering the new Pussycat Lounge in Tel Aviv.  The Pussycat Lounge is the strip club destination in Tel Aviv -- a town not known for strip clubs.  The LBT discovered the Pussycat Lounge researching it on the internet but only found it when yours truly was walking home after a night of drinking and looking for a place to urinate.  And what a sight to behold it was. To put it mildly, the Pussycat Lounge is the most architecturally significant strip club in the world.  It moved from its prior location into the languishing Collosseum Club nightclub in the Atarim Square.  Atarim Square, it should be noted, was designed by architect Yaakov Rechter and stands as one of the highlights of brutalist architecture in all of Israel.  It perches on a cliff above the Mediterranean Sea and the northern part of Tel Aviv's long, sandy beach.  Winding stairwells bore into the plaza surface and lead one down to passageways and scores of (mostly empty) shops. Today Atarim Square is fantastically blighted and close to vacant.  It looks like the set of a '70s Planet of the Apes sequel.  At night, however, the Pussycat Lounge brings the square to life.  It glows purple and orange from within the Legion of Doom-looking structure at the south edge of the plaza. At the front gate, a gruff Russian bouncer stands guard and will demand the equivalent of $30US.  Immediately, upon entering one notices the sound system.  The Collosseum Club clearly left its gear behind behind because the acoustics are truly remarkable.  They fill the space with no distortion.  The base might vibrate in your chest but the volume is tasteful and, thankfully, does not hurt your ears.  (It might impair quiet conversation with pals or your lady.) The furniture and decor are substantial and first class.  Again, one must wonder whether the Russians (we presume) that own this place inherited the Collosseum Club's stuff. Where the Pussycat Lounge fell sadly short on this particular Saturday evening was in the most important facet of a strip club: the girls.  One might expect tall and sexy Russian girls -- there are many in Tel Aviv -- making some good cash.  (The Russian women in Tel Aviv are as beautiful as they come.  Period.)  Instead, on my visit I saw a smattering of small and roundish girls.  Heavy make-up, some flab and garish costumes abounded.  The few girls that were there were busy climbing on top of patrons seated on chairs and couches. Media reports on the internet state that the owners of the strip club boasted pre-opening that they would hire only native Israelis.  We can see the appeal of this but only if they hire top notch local talent.  Are hot Israeli girls above stripping?  Perhaps.  Unlike in other countries, Israel has no sexy farmer's-daughter types.  These are the girls that make strip clubs in the Midwestern states so rewarding. We hope the the Pussycat Lounge recruits more dancers and more attractive ones.  In fairness, perhaps it was an off night.  Also, this is something that can be fixed quite easily.  In any case, they have the makings of a legendary strip club -- supremely unique setting and locale, impressive interior, great sound system, international city with hot young women.  To the Russian-tough-guy at the door's credit, as I left the club minutes after entering (I was tired and did not see a chickee I liked) he asked me what was wrong (in grunts).  \"The women not so good,\" I said.  He grabbed my $100 sheckel note from his stash and handed it back to me.  That is class one never sees at strip clubs.  But, of course, the Pussycat Lounge is not your usual strip club.  | 1 | satire |
3,225 | D.J. Lubel Settles His Score With Snooty L.A. Women From Santa Monica To Silverlake
Indeed, Women should signal to Lubel followers that he will not be returning to his original folksy acoustic arrangement anytime soon. Rock critic and former MTV VJ Tim Hicks said that many die hard Lubel fans have become near riotous much like Bob Dylan fans when the folk artist turned rock star in 1968. Like Dylan, however, Lubel likely will succeed in expanding his fan base by going high production and moving beyond acoustic. Womenâs lyrics retain Lubelâs signature self-depracation channeled from Woody Allen. Now, though, he has a target in his sights â L.A. women. And he lands a blow that will rock the ladies from El Segundo to Calabassas. Lubel calls them out one by one: âWest Hollywood girls from the east coast,â âPersian girls at from the Beverly,â and âhipster girls from Silver Lakeâ all take some serious fire. The quips are too precious to spoil, so rock fans should hear them for themselves. Lubelâs transformation will not please all his old East Coast fans, but like a ârolling stoneâ his assault on YouTube and beyond shall gather no moss. See Women of L.A. for yourself here:  | 1 | satire |
3,226 | Pixar Takes An Old Formula In âBraveâ â And Sexy â New Direction
Direction: Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman Voices: Kelly Macdonald, Emma Thompson Rating:****  In 1995 animation stalwart Pixar debuted its groundbreaking Toy Story. Since then it has been a consistent performer delivering contemporary classic after classic. Pixarâs latest â titled Brave â surely will rank alongside The Incredibles, WALL-E, and Up in the Air in the Pixar pantheon.  Brave is every bit as visually sumptuous and emotionally resonant as one would expect from Pixar. Brave does not have any scenes that will scare the little âuns, although there is a scene with mild sexual overtones â a nod to older audiences. When Merida needs to cross a bridge to return to her kingdom, it is implied that she performs sexual favors for an ogre. There are no graphic nude depictions, but parents and older children will undoubtedly understand why Merida is suddenly disheveled and the ogre waddling away with his pants down before she is finally allowed to cross. The fantasy was conceived by storyboard artist Brenda Chapman and takes an refreshing twist on recent popular films featuring female protagonists. Set in medieval Scotland, the protagonist, Princess Merida, is an impetuous teenage princess (voiced by Macdonald). She is determined to control her own destiny, never mind if her parents (Thompson-Billy Connolly) have other plans.  Faced with the prospect of an arranged marriage to one of three lords from rival clans, the rebellious youngster flees into the surrounding forest. The plot thickens after the headstrong princess seeks help from a wily witch (Julie Walters). The witch curses the kingdom, and an adventure ensues. The story now takes a novel turn that lends a dose of irony to the filmâs title.  The princess realizes that little girls should not venture too far from home and hearth. She yearns to be with her parents and sheds her dreams of adventure. In a moment of epiphany she sighs to her omnipresent companion, a plucky Yorkshire terrier, âI suppose a girl can do anything a boy can do, but that doesnât mean she needs to try.â The heroic final act underscores that female humility and devotion to family are more important than unrealistic dreams or trying to emulate masculine qualities. | 1 | satire |
3,227 | Tragedy In Colorado May Give Much Needed Stimulation To Movie Goers To Keep Theaters Thriving
According to film scholar and film industry authority Lopez-Larmo, the tragedy in Colorado could help movie theaters keep their edge.  Holmes brought real life off the screen and into theaters.First, please understand that in no way does this piece condone or forgive the violent acts of that monster on Friday, July 20 in Colorado. This sad human being â James Holmes â will go down with Timothy McVeigh as a true to life, home grown villain. That having been said, out of the ashes of every tragedy comes some measure of redemption. From every insurmountable loss comes some unexpected blessing. For the last 40 years, the motion picture exhibition industry has suffered setback after setback. Once the fountainhead of Hollywoodâs gifts to humankind, today movie theaters are withering and dying. Their revenues have fallen each year for the past five years. The corpses of once great movie houses litter our cities like charred skeletons of some bygone war. Every generation of motion picture exhibitioners have tried to come up with gimmick after gimmick â CinemaScope, 3-D, Smell-o-vision, Sensurround â to keep people from retreating to their family room televisions. The exhibitioners knew then â and know now â that if they do not offer something viewers cannot find at home, their industry will perish. Recently, video and sound technology have advanced to the point where anyone can have a home theater experience in their living room.  Portable devices give us entertainment on the go.  Yet we simply cannot abandon our theaters because of their history and sense of community they provide. This is where Mr. Holmes comes in. On Friday, July 20, a small legion of movie enthusiasts in Colorado watched the action come off the screen â literally! Explosions, smoke, gunfire, screams, and even blood became more real than smell-o-vision or sensurround could ever depict. The rest of us soaked up the dramatic scenes through copious news coverage.  This is cinema verite in its purest and most undiluted form. Mr. Holmes showed us â in his own ineffable way â that movie theaters will always give us something the cocoons of our living rooms cannot provide. It is not that I can accept Holmes' violence. It is just that I love film more than I hate Holmes. Only Holmes could show us again that movie theaters exist in the real world. The drama on the screen may at any moment envelope us because, after all, that is the beauty and tragedy of our existence. Perhaps there will never be another day when an American movie goer can sit in a theater and not be at least the slightest bit on edge. Funny thing is, we may all be better off because of it. | 1 | satire |
3,228 | In Primal Attraction Sparks Fly And Parents Do Not Approve When A Human Courts A Neanderthal
One of the most titillating tales in the study of human origins â focusing on whether Neanderthals interbred with modern humans â will soon be hitting the silver screen. The Columbia Pictures release titled Primal Attraction is slated for a Thanksgiving opening and explores a stone age romance between a young human traveler â âTokoâ â and a Neanderthal tribeswoman â âKylaâ â 50,000 years ago in pre-modern France. Primal stars relative newcomers Eddie Rayne and Nina Duprev, and its producers hope the film will bridge the gap between science fiction and romance. \nThe timing of Primal could not be better. In the last year, studies of Neanderthal DNA samples extracted from ancient bones suggest that contemporary non-Africans can trace up to four-percent of their genetic code to humanâs Neanderthal cousins. Researchers believe that cross-species sex during the time that Neanderthals and Homo sapiens lived in close proximity in Europe, tens of thousands of years ago, caused the genetic transfer. In addition to this discovery, in the last several years the right of individuals to engage in non-traditional marriages has captured the political attention of Americans. Primal tells the story of a pre-historic encounter between humans and Neanderthals and what happens when romance sparks across species lines. âWe learned that they had relations, so the question becomes âwhat sort of courtships did they have?â,â said Primalâs executive producer Roberta Spillman. âDid their societies accept their love, or, more likely, did they put up barriers?â The dynamic of forbidden love is a familiar narrative in Western literature and dates at least as far back as Romeo and Juliette. In Primal, Spillman set out to develop it further: âThis is Romeo and Juliette 50,000 years before they were born.â Perhaps a rare exception to the rule, Primalâs script did not languish for years in Hollywood. Screenwriter Peter Vladmanovich said he knew his concept and screenplay would find a receptive audience.  âThis is West Side Story meets Planet of the Apes,â said Vladmanovich. âWe have seen love conquer the lines dividing social and ethnic classes, but never the lines dividing species.â Vladmanovich said Spillman was interested the moment she heard the concept. âWe met for coffee after she read my original script and she started jumping up and down making monkey noises!â said Vladmanovich. âShe understood the possibilities right away,â he said. Spillman said that Vladmanovichâs ability to write textured characters was perfect for a sci-fi/romance. âPeter created so much wonderful detail to the challenges Toko and Kyla faced,â said Spillman. At least one of their inter-species challenges provides some comic relief. âKyla communicates to Toko in rather hilarious sign language that human males do not âmeasure upâ shall we say,â said Spillman. If Primal Attraction succeeds, it will follow in the rarified footsteps of movies such as Blade Runner that successfully blend science fiction with romance. | 1 | satire |
3,229 | Paula Deen Appears On Today Show Wearing Blackface While Showing Off New Fried Chicken Recipe
No one expected immediate redemption, but Paula Deenâs latest attempt at damage control was supposed to help restore â not further tarnish â her image. Instead, the beleaguered TV chefâs twisted and bizarre appearance demonstrating her new healthy fried chicken recipe on Today â after having admitted she used a racial slur in the past â was met with disbelief and criticism. PR pundits declared it miserable to offensive. Most shockingly, Deen appeared for her cooking segment wearing blackface â a remnant of minstrel shows from 100 years in the past. After her appearance Deen explained that the blackface make-up was done last minute at the suggestion of The Today Showâs make-up artist who convinced her it would be seen as a sign of solidarity with colored persons. âI did not know what blackface was before my appearance, and I did not select that urban backdrop that Today provided me,â she tweeted within two hours of her appearance. Following Deenâs Today appearance, two more major business partners, Caesars Entertainment and Walmart, severed their relationship with Forbesâ fourth-highest-earning celebrity chef in 2012. Meanwhile, Deenâs backers rounded up words of support. âPaula did not know that blackface is bad or that [Today] would make her look like she was in the ghetto,â said Allen Adamsberg, managing director of branding agency Landis Associates. âIt was obviously a set up; even the caption at the bottom mocked her so you can tell this was a scheme to humiliate her.â Tasty Blends Provisionals of Frasiers Bottom, Kentucky, said it was âvery pleasedâ with the cooking demonstration asserting that âPaula proved that she has soul and is willing to push the envelope.â Donald Trump tweeted that â[i]f blackface is good enough for Al Jolson itâs good enough for me!â  Whatever the opinion of her highly anticipated cooking demonstration, one conclusion is clear: The flame hasn't been dialed down on this stew of a scandal. | 1 | satire |
3,230 | Film Review: Triumphant âInnocence Of Muslimsâ Earns Its 79 Virgins
Related story: Pres. Obama to ban anti-Islam speech in response to film Related story: Opinion: Free Speech Is Only Valuable If You Are Alive To Use It If any publicity is good publicity, the controversial film Innocence of Muslims is very fortunate indeed. Recent unrest in the Middle East supposedly sparked by previews of the film has launched an unintended awareness campaign that no marketing budget could touch. But is Innocence worth the price of admission? The identity of the producers of Innocence remains shrouded in mystery, but one thing is certain: they have created a nuanced, exciting and visually sumptuous film. Innocence is Islamâs answer to Passion of the Christ â even if it takes a slightly more critical view of Islam. This critical view, however, separates it from Passion and makes it a legitimate masterwork. Innocence shrewdly uses a cast of talented unknowns, avoiding the distraction of a recognized actor playing a historical figure. There is rumor that Keanu Reeves was considered for the role, and one can see a bit of his persona in the young lead. The actor playing Mohammed â whose name has not been released â shines. He shows all of the texture you could hope for in a Mohammed. The personal growth seen in him reminds one of the protagonists' rousing rise in favorites such as The Karate Kid and the original Rocky. His internal struggles with both his sexuality and religious ideals virtually leap from the screen. The supporting cast equally delivers. Cindy Lee Garcia â who plays the mother of Mohammedâs bride-to-be â could not be less entrancing. Even as Mohammed rose to power, her will to protect her daughter was paramount. Mohammedâs bride acts as Shakespeareâs âshrewâ that must be tamed by her suitor, and watching the Islamic prophet struggle with a strong female character is something to behold. Although Innocenceâs director and cinematographer are unknown, both will be considered for an Oscar nod â maybe on an anonymous basis. The direction is a blend of cinema verite and Scorcese at the height of his powers. In classic cinema verite style, shoulder held cameras follow characters into interiors, lines are dubbed without any attempt to hide them and shadows are cast across actors. The effect lovingly salutes Mastroianni and Fellini.  Like early-Scorcese, the violence is gritty and tense, but never forced or gratuitous. Also, using a technique harkening to that Australian gem Moulin Rouge!, the actors played against a blue screen with desert imagery floating behind them inserted later. The effect is surreal and intoxicating at the same time.  For example, when the actors step across the sand, the sand does not move.  They appear to levitate over it. It will be interesting to see who these wizards are behind this powerhouse of a film. One can only suspect that many of the actors can be found relaxing at a Sherman Oaks Starbucks until the furor dies down. Like Mohammed himself, their futures seem bright. | 1 | satire |
3,231 | Hugo Boss Fights Its Nazi Past With Combination Of Fashion... And Love
In 2011 German fashion firm Hugo Boss AG apologized for its maltreatment of forced workers during World War II when it supplied the Nazis with uniforms. Hugo Boss hoped its apology would bury its sordid past, but it only called more attention to it. Now Hugo Boss seeks renewal and redemption through what it knows best: fashion. In a new Hugo Boss line of apparel dubbed âHeil Lieben!â (or âHeil Love!â), the Teutonic apparel titan leverages its bold WWII-era designs while recasting them for a different age. Still evident in the Heil Love! line are the rakish lines and menacing dark colors of the SS and Gestapo uniforms. In Hugo Bossâ early years, these uniforms were the pride of Germany and their essence remains. Gone, however, are swastikas, iron crosses and black eagles. These have been replaced by the universal symbol of love: a heart. Claus-Dietrich Lahrs, CEO of the Hugo Boss AG, personally conceived of and directed production of Heil Love. Lahrs openly admits that his primary objective was to improve the German apparel giantâs image.  A 2011 book â Hugo Boss, 1924-1945 â detailed the companyâs collaboration with the Nazi government and created the companyâs current PR problems. In fact, the book describes how Herr Hugo Boss himself was an ardent Nazi and how Nazi Party support of the fledgling design house kept it afloat. Most alarming, Hugo Boss profited from slave labor during WWII. Its factory used 140 Polish and 40 French forced workers. Today, Lahrs hopes to recast the company. âJust like Germany herself, Hugo Boss has been reborn,â said Lahrs. âIf one zeitgeist prevails in our company, it is love.â The fashion press has responded to Heil Love! with some adulation but also some skepticism. âThere is no denying that some of these Nazi uniforms had sex appeal,â said New York Times fashion critic Brenda Holmes. âIf I were a peasant girl in a small Polish village, I can only imagine how these SS officers must have look bursting through the front door,â she said. Holmes believes Boss has successfully melded âold military flairâ with âmodern amenities.â Ted Hornyn was less adulatory. | 1 | satire |
3,232 | âIf I Find Justin Bieber Sexy, That Donât Make Me Gay Or Nothinââ¦Â Does it ?â
A study published in Julyâs edition of Modern Sociology Journal reaches a shocking conclusion: many men that live âstraightâ lives find teen crooner Justin Bieber to be âsexy.â Even more impressively, when Bieber is dressed in a wig and makeup a whopping 82-percent of men classify him as âsexy.âA majority of male subjects registered a sexual response to the image of Justin Bieber dressed as a female. The studyâs main author is Santa Marino College Professor Mati Norgaard. âWhat this shows is that male sexuality is much more malleable than men are willing to admit,â said Norgaard. âThey see this nubile, beautiful young man [Bieber] with perfect skin, and they cannot help but become aroused.â Norgaard believes that her study will help promote acceptance of gay marriage. âAll of us have some homosexuality in us and we need to just get over it,â she said. In the experiment, when straight men were shown images of only Bieber's face without his sex being indicated, 40-percent found him to be âsexy.â When male subjects were shown a picture of a Bieber with a simulated wig and make-up, 82-percent of men classified him as sexy and 85-percent of those subjects showed elevated brain activity in the right subinsular region and right hypothalamus of their brains â areas associated with sexual arousal. âWe obtained both subjective and objective signs of arousal,â said Norgaard. âThis is the gold standard from an experimenterâs perspective.â One of the subjects of the study, who wished to remain anonymous, was moved by the study. âI think I always suspected that I had this other side to me, and now I know those feelings were real,â said the subject. âI had a frank discussion with my wife and our two children and now I feel like a weight has been lifted.â Timothy C. Keener, Professor of Comparative Sexual Orientation Studies at U.C. Davis, says that he is not surprised Norgaardâs findings. âWe know that ancient Roman men that were considered âstraightâ openly had relations with young men Bieberâs age,â said Keener. âThis part of our sexuality remains in us today.â So the next time your daughters are watching a Bieber video and rather than asking them to change the channel you find yourself stealing a glance or two at the prancing teen charmer, do not be alarmed. Go ahead and tell your daughters the truth â like they do, you might find Bieber just a little sexy. | 1 | satire |
3,233 | The LBT INTERVIEW:Â Â BEN SHERWOOD
[Editor's Note: Since the below interview was published in late-September, 2012, it has been revealed that Mr. Sherwood's sister -- Dr. Elizabeth-Sherwood Randall -- serves as Special Assistant to President Obama.  Mr. Sherwood has not responded to our request yesterday for comment on the appearance of a conflict of interest. We see that he is true to his word at the end of the interview on ABC's Benghazi coverage strategy after the scandal has expanded.] A brilliant, retentive intellect, a gift for sharp analysis, and a habit for telling the truth do not always lead one to the top of a media empire. The truth is, they did not lead Ben Sherwood to the top of ABC News. Sheer grit and determination did. Sherwood  is an accomplished author, journalist and entrepreneur. He graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Harvard University and is a Rhodes scholar. Sherwood sat down with Peter Hartwig to discuss ABC Newsâ treatment of the Benghazi incident. ABC and other âmainstreamâ media outlets have come under fire for not reporting the details surrounding Benghazi.  Sherwood explains why along with his perspective on the role of the old line broadcasters. What ideals are these? The propogation of our democracy. As one of the original three networks, we serve as a filter for what news reaches American living rooms. It is our job to select this news appropriately.  | 1 | satire |
3,234 | NYPD Tow Mayor De Blasioâs Car 150 Times
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has had his car towed 150 times the last few days and racked up record towing and storage fees, possibly stemming from his rift with the New York Police Department. According to NYPD records, police have towed de Blasioâs Chevrolet Tahoe SUV for violating various city parking laws, ranging from ânot displaying driving goggles on the dashboardâ and âleaving the carâs rear tires too far from the parking blockâ to âparking within 0.0015 nautical miles of a fire hydrantâ and âparking a Chevy in Queens on a Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and/or weekend.â In a press conference, de Blasio insisted he would pay all his towing and storage fees, which so far have added up to $8.5 million â roughly a monthâs expenses in Manhattan. De Blasio pledged to review New Yorkâs parking laws, claiming he was unaware itâs illegal to park a car in Manhattan without leaving a note on the windshield that identifies at least three other people in the tri-state who are authorized to drive the car, as approved by both Congress and President Barack Obama. âI respect the law, and I credit NYPD officers for knowing the traffic regulations of this city inside and out; apparently, there are millions Iâve never even heard of,â he said. âBut I wish theyâd catch the criminals who are breaking my SUVâs tail lights every day, because the carâs been towed 20 times for that. âI also wish theyâd catch the graffiti artists who are spray-painting âF**k de Blasioâ on City Hall and Gracie Mansion. The police who patrol the area say they havenât seen anything or anyone.â However, de Blasio cut the press conference short after he was informed his SUV had been towed from City Hallâs official mayorâs parking space for the 67th time. Cross the Thin Blue Line De Blasio remains unpopular with the NYPD, which blames him for contributing to the anti-police sentiment that inspired the ambush murders of two NYPD officers, following several high-profile cases of unarmed men being killed by police. At several events, rank-and-file officers have heckled and booed the mayor and turned their backs on him. The mayor has started driving himself around New York because the NYPD detectives assigned to drive him have claimed they are recuperating in Hawaii over an allergic reaction to the car seats. De Blasioâs SUV was also towed yesterday as he spoke at the police academyâs graduation ceremony in Brooklyn, although he claimed he parked it in the mayorâs designated parking space. âNot only was my car towed but there was a crudely-drawn handicap-parking image on the space,â de Blasio told reporters. âI swear it was not there before.â Police union leader Lennie Briscoe said he is unimpressed by de Blasioâs excuses. âEvery day our officers do the tough job of enforcing parking regulations in this city, and nobody, including Mayor de Blasio, is above the law,â he said. âEspecially Mayor de Blasio.â | 1 | satire |
3,235 | New Bond Girl Will Be A Bond Boy-Girl â And Be Able To Shoot Back
In a move certain to make waves that reach this side of the Atlantic, the Broccoli family will have Bond romancing a transvestite in the next installment of the series. In 1989 the English independent film The Crying Game introduced audiences to the notion of a transvestite as a lead character. Over 20 years later, a much better known English export will take matters a step further â transvestites as a love interest to the male lead. The much revered â and very profitable â James Bond 007 franchise will feature a transvestite Bond girl (or âBond boy-girlâ) in its 2014 installment with the working title of âLady Gun.â The decision by Bond franchise owners the Broccoli family coincides with a broad political shift in the U.S. and Britain in favor of gay marriage and sexual identity freedom. The Broccoli family are heirs to Albert R. Broccoli who made the first Bond film and acquired film rights to author Ian Flemingâs Brit superagent. Janet Broccoli, perhaps the most vocal and active Bond franchise manager, also has been an outspoken advocate for gay rights. âMy family supported me when I made my own sexuality known,â Janet said referring to her coming out of the closet in 1974. âWe are a forward thinking family and realize that we owe British society a duty to promote social change.â The Bond franchise has generated roughly $5 billion in revenue for the family since the release of âDr. Noâ in 1962. Making waves for Bondâs selection of partners is nothing new. In 1985 the Bond franchise created a stir when Bond rendezvoused with a very black Grace Jones in âA View To A Kill.â Janet Broccoli said that the family feared a backlash at the time. âWe thought that the public might not be ready, but we knew we were right,â she said. âEven if it hurt in the short term, we knew it would pay off in the longer term.â Indeed, the Bond franchise won accolades â including a number of humanitarian awards â for the first interracial romance in a mainstream film. Will a transgender romance create the same positive buzz? Bond enthusiast and artifact collector Ronald Barthes said he has mixed feelings. âI am for equal rights, donât get me wrong,â he said. âBut Bond is a symbol of male identity so I think maybe we are not ready for this step.â Barthes admits that he has found some transvestites to be attractive, but for some reason he could not explain why he does not think his idol James Bond should. Actor Daniel Craig is under contract for two more Bond films. While his contract likely allows him some editorial input, transvestite hanky-panky probably is not on the list. âIn most A-level artistsâ [actorâs] contracts they have âout clausesâ for offensive conduct like drug use,â said well-respected entertainment attorney Ben Spencerwood. âSociety is getting used to transexual relationships, so Craig might not have any right to object,â he said. Craig has not commented on the prospect of a Bond boy-girl but his politics are known to be left-leaning. Some Bond aficionados speculate that he will embrace the decision. Whether Craig reprises his role or not, it appears that 007âs next romantic interest will be one that is fully armed â and ready and able to shoot back. | 1 | satire |
3,236 | 50 Shades of Black: Mysterious Suitor Tells Story Of Steamy Encounter With Sandra Fluke Following Speech At DNC
My name is Christopher Black. I am 27-years-old, remarkably handsome I am told, somewhat reserved and extraordinarily wealthy by any standard. I write my story about the evening of September 5, 2012 after much deliberation. You see, I am a very private man. With my wealth however comes great responsibility to the public. So after lengthy meetings with my capable attorneys in New York and via telephone in Los Angeles and Zurich, I decided to tell my story to The LBT on the condition that no one must see my face, my name be altered and my identity protected. The LBT has agreed to wire a confidential amount of money to a village in a remote corner of Tanzania that I support in exchange for my story. Experience As Youth With Tennis Pro I suppose I better start at the beginning. When I was 15 years of age, my motherâs tennis instructor challenged me to a game of tennis in the nude while my parents were traveling abroad. She was an attractive woman in the prime of her life. I can still see her breasts bouncing in the sun with tiny beads of perspiration forming on them. After she proved victorious, she forced me to bend over the net while she served tennis balls at my legs and buttocks. It was humiliating. Yet it was exhilarating. I left with welts all over my bottom and an insatiable desire for rough play that would only grow stronger each passing year. Trip To DNC With Bill Clinton Many years later, I was invited by former president Bill Clinton to donate money to the Democratic Party and attend the DNC with him. He knew that the party could use someone with my youthful attractiveness and means at the convention. Also, he asked that I give him a ride in my helicopter, and of course I obliged. My helicopter is a special kind that is beyond the means of all but a handful of individuals. When I picked up Bill, I noticed a certain spring in his step. He lives for these affairs. He brought a little Asian number with him like so many older white men. She bounced on his lap as he told me about a Ms. Fluke â a rather simple young woman from a middle class upbringing. She would be speaking about contraception or a womanâs right to it and so forth. I was not sure what she was so worked up about. Fluke Speaks Then the convention â Sandra appeared glowing when she took the podium. She was not beautiful mind you. She appeared ethnic â perhaps Greek â and was easily 10 years past her prime. Her build was sloped shoulders and a little too thick everywhere. She wore almost no make-up even though she could have used it. When she opened her mouth, I heard a man speaking in a womanâs voice. I heard a stridency I had never heard before in a woman. The government owed her contraceptives. It was not fair that she could get pregnant while a man cannot. What was her government going to do about it?  The government had to make it even! The tension in her body was palpable. She was craving for release. I could see that the tension in this woman had been growing for months or even years. Her muscles were taut. Her motions were stiff and not fluid. She needed to be forced to submit to a man and suffer while she experienced ecstacy. After all of the fury of her speech, one would never have guessed that she uses the timing method. Meeting Backstage My personal coordinator Monica Steele called on my cell phone to tell me that President Obamaâs social secretary simply demanded that I meet this Ms. Fluke after she finished. When she did, I strode my powerful, athletic frame to the back of the stage. The moment Sandra and I locked eyes, she knew she was mine. [Exclusive 50 Shades of Black Story Part II here] | 1 | satire |
3,237 | White House Scrutinizes Leno Jokes Targeting Obama
Some observers in the Obama Administration have raised questions about Lenoâs jokes made at the expense of the White House. Deputy White House communications director Josephine Robles said in a statement that the White House âis monitoring carefully the statements made over the public airwaves concerning the administration.â She also said that the White House âexpects public commentators to abide by established decency guidelines.â NBC Entertainment president Jennifer Salke said that the network was âengaging in straight talkâ with Leno about his jokes targeting Obama. âNBC is proud of its positive relationship with the White House which will endure after Mr. Leno's retirement,â she added. In Lenoâs Thursday night opening monologue he made reference to the latest spying scandals engulfing the Obama administration in which it was revealed that the National Security Agency is massively snooping on phone records and email messages. Leno said, âSee, when I was growing up, we were always afraid of Big Brother watching us. And now with Obama, we actually have a brother watching us.â In 2014, as part of the networkâs musical chairs, Jimmy Fallon will replace Leno as Tonight Show host while Seth Myers will take over Fallonâs gig. | 1 | satire |
3,238 | Doozers From Henson's Fraggle Rock Modeled After Mexican Construction Workers
Jim Henson, the late creator of The Muppets â those colorful puppets that populated Sesame Street, The Muppet Show and Fraggle Rock â was known as an early supporter of diversity. Indeed, his characters on Sesame Street were notably multi-colored in a decidedly Anglo world. As far back as 1969, the narratives of Sesame Street were at the vanguard of youth diversity education. This is why a series of Hensonâs personal notes concerning an obscure set of Muppets â called the âDoozersâ â has created such a stir. The Doozers were tiny, rotund, green little men with large heads that populated the world of Fraggle Rock. They lived in silence among the much more loquacious fraggles â Fraggle Rockâs main protagonists â wearing construction hard hats and gear and built construction that served no known purpose. Many speculated dating back to the 1980s that the Doozers were modeled after Mexican migrant workers at construction sites in Southern California, where Henson spent much of his later years. Henson scholar Theodore Clinger famously wrote in his 1994 Henson biography, âit seems clear that the Doozers sprung from Hensonâs studies of Mexicanâs at work on Southern California construction sites.â Clinger postulated that Henson admired Mexican laborers and instilled their same work ethic in the Doozers. âSeparated by no common language, they toil in the Fragglesâ midst yet at the same time occupy a different world,â he wrote. It appears that Henson actually was inspired by Mexican workers. In Hensonâs personal notes submitted by Hensonâs son-in-law for auction by celebrity auctioneer Julien Harold, Henson wrote that the Doozers âencapsulate all mysteriousness of the laboring Mexican peasants that surround us.â He also allegedly wrote, âThey speak not a word to us, and their big round heads float atop their strutting, cartoonish, bulbous little bodies.â Henson family friend Marshall Hammersmith said that he believes that Henson admired the migrant workers he saw in California. âJim was a sensitive soul,â said Hammersmith. âI have no doubt that he admired migrant construction workers and tried to capture their essence in his Doozers.â Latino activist and La Raza executive vice president Angela Descarta-Ruiz concludes that Henson's notes were âracist stereotypes\" of migrant workers.  âLatinos are not fat little anonymous men in hard fats with big heads,â said Ruiz.  âWe are famillies, we are husbands and wives, we are school children and we are dreamers.â The Henson family did not have any response to Ruiz's statements other than to say that Henson loved all people and valued diversity.  He is known to have hired an Ecuadorean nanny for the younger of his two children. | 1 | satire |
3,239 | White House Defends PSY As He Remains Slated To Perform At Holiday Gala
The White House has forgiven South Korean rapper PSY for his past anti-American lyrics but may have created its own controversy in the process. PSY remains slated to perform Sunday evening at a holiday concert to be attended by President Obama and the first family despite controversy over PSYâs past lyrics advocating the torture and killing of American servicemen. The wold famous âGangnam Styleâ rapper â born Park Jae-sang â made a formal apology on Friday for using what he says was âinflammatory and inappropriate languageâ in songs a decade ago. In a 2004 song for a South Korean band, PSY refrained: âKill those f---ing Yankees who have been torturing Iraqi captives.â The lyrics continued: \"Kill their daughters, mothers, daughters-in-law and fathers.\" The offending song was performed by PSY and other performers protesting the execution of a Korean missionary by terrorists demanding that South Korea not aid the U.S. in the Iraq war. PSY explained the protests were part of a âdeeply emotionalâ reaction to the war and the killing of two Korean schoolgirls.  The rapper said he âwill forever be sorry for any pain I have caused by those words.â On Friday, White House Press Secretary relayed a message from President Obama that has the right-wing blogosphere atwitter. âThe President understands PSYâs past frustrations with American foreign policy,â said Carney. âIn addition, the President feels that harsh criticism and in rare circumstances targeted resistance to American intervention is understandable.â  Some also have criticized the White House's decision to commence the gala with the Muslim call to prayer.  Carney explained that this addition to the proceedings this year was \"an important nod to religious diversity in America.\" PSYâs performance, which will be taped Sunday evening, will also include performances by the former Cat Stevens, a reunited rap group Public Enemy and crooner Harry Belafonte. The sitting U.S. president traditionally attends the âChristmas in Washingtonâ concert of carols and songs to benefit the Children's National Medical Center. The 31st installment will be held at the National Building Museum, and is to benefit the Orphans of Palestine charity for the first year. Kanye West will be serving as MC. | 1 | satire |
3,240 | Michael Dougles Recalls Oral Sex That Wrought Cancer Scare Years Later
Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, usually thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied: âNo. Because this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.â The actor, now 68, was diagnosed with cancer in August 2010, following many months of oral discomfort.  After a series of specialists missed the tumor Douglas then went to see a friendâs doctor in Montreal who looked inside his mouth using a tongue depressor. During an intensive eight-week course of chemotherapy and radiation, Douglas recalled when and where â he believes â he contracted the disease. âIn 1985 I was in Brazil filming Jewel of the Nile with Kathleen Turner,â he said. âI was single at the time and met a very attractive African-American woman from Sao Paulo.â Douglas insists that this unknown Brazilian woman gave him the disease. âI distinctly remember [when lowering his face to perform cunnilingus] smelling something like burnt motor oil,â said Douglas. âI went ahead anyway, and when I tasted what was there it was like a kick in the mouth.â The 68-year-old actor described the taste as âlike wet tar blended with liquefied cat gut and warmed tobacco juice.â According to the actor, within one week of the encounter he began having a scratchy sensation and discomfort in his throat that would never leave him. Eventually, it became painful and, almost fatally, cancerous. The treatment worked and Douglas is now more than two years clear of cancer. He has check-ups every six months, he said, âand with this kind of cancer, 95% of the time it doesn't come back.â Will Douglas ever pleasure a woman again? âIâve been trying to convince [wife] Catherine [Zeta Jones] to spice things up a little with another partner,â he said. âNow Iâd just as soon stick with the familiar.â | 1 | satire |
3,241 | âFake Janâ Geri Reischl Steps Into Spotlight As Performance Of âYour Songâ Honored By Rock nâ Roll Hall Of Fame
A much-loved but often maligned 1970s variety show will soon see the spotlight again. The Brady Bunch Hour was an American variety television series produced by television dynamos Sid and Marty Krofft and aired on ABC between 1976 to 1977. When the original âJanâ â actress Eve Plumb â refused to act in the BB Hour, unknown actress Geri Reischl seized the opportunity of a lifetime. Reischl showed her singing talent in a sublime rendition of Elton Johnâs âYour Song.â In February the Rock nâ Roll Hall of Fame will induct Reischlâs âYour Songâ performance into the Hall in a new category called âTV Talent and Variety.â Reischle belted the Elton John masterpiece in 1977 and made it her own. After watching the performance in England, Elton John famously said that had he heard Reischleâs version earlier he never would have recorded it himself but instead licensed it to her. Some music critics panned Reischlâs  soaring vibrato as overly dramatic and lacking in control.  Former MTV VJ Tim Hicks quipped in 1979 that âabout midway in the song Reischl sounds like a turbo vibrator playing the kazoo.â  Rolling Stone music critic Ronnie Rosen, however, praises Reischl's intensity: âI remember sitting on my parents couch in 1977 and thinking âJan will never be second fiddle to Marsha again.  She blew the roof off that classic tune and television would never be the same.â Rosen ranks Reischlâs performance just behind Elvisâ and The Beatlesâ performances on The Ed Sullivan Show as the most important television performances in rock history. | 1 | satire |
3,242 | Sarah Jessica Parkers Former Character Bradshaw Gets Feminized In Prequel With Ravishing Robb
May 15, 2012 Did anyone really think that Carrie Bradshaw would ride the airwaves -- or cable lines -- ever again? Â Well, get ready, because stunner Annasophia (yes, all one word) Robb will be taking up the mantle of a young Carrie Bradshaw in go-go NYC in the 1980s in Sex and the City Prequel -- The Carrie Diaries. For those unfamiliar with Robb, she looks only vaguely like the beloved Sarah Jessica Parker. Â True, the corkscrew curls remain but what of Parkerâs trademark masculine face? Â What of that bulbous nose that could have been stripped from the mug of Henry Kissinger? Â What of that jaw that looked hijacked from the head of Sly Stallone? Fem Robb looks positively female next to Parker's beastly beauty. As viewers will soon find out, Bradshaw will retain a unique look but all of the hard edges will be lost. Â Robb has gentle and even dainty features that are far different from spunky Parker's dramatic Semitic appearance. Â Always lurking beneath Bradshaw's angst was the cunning mind of a New York Jewess. Â Constantly challenging viewers was Bradshaw's ambiguous gender and the vaguely homoerotic passions that erupted between her and her beaus. With any luck, Robb will bring her own approach. Â Still, many observer are wondering how a very feminine and fresh-faced Robb will steer dear Bradshaw from luxury apartment to luxury apartment with the same verve as Parker. Perhaps it will not be so devastating to lose Parker because who has not wished to see Bradshaw groove down to Little Red Corvette while strutting her stuff across the Brooklyn Bridge? | 1 | satire |
3,243 | Obama Administration To Give Lady Liberty A Diversity Facelift Beauty Treatment
In 1996 General Mills did a diversity makeover to Americaâs favorite baking queen Betty Crocker. To replace the old lily-white Betty, they took a cup of the old Caucasian, a pinch of African-American features, a smattering a Latino features and a sprinkle of Asian traits. The result: a âdiverseâ Betty Crocker with whom all Americans could identify. Fast-forward to 2012. The nation is even more diverse. Latinos are increasingly flexing their political muscles, and President Obama won a second term by leveraging our new national diversity. So it should have come as little surprise on Friday when Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar announced that diversity will be bestowed upon our most important national symbol: the Statute of Liberty. âSince Lady Liberty blessed us with her presence in 1886, we have experienced vast change,â said Salazar. âGone are the days when the average American was Anglo, and people of color were rare or in chains.â According to Salazar, the time has come for âLady Liberty to reflect the visage of our diverse society.â The Obama Administration already has signed high-profile Asian-American artist Maya Lin to lead the $125 million project which may begin as early as 2015. While the Statue is loftier than a box of a Betty Crocker cake flour, the goal will be the same as General Mills: make Lady Liberty look diverse. Experts told The LBT that Lin will likely replace the entire face of the Statue rather than chisel features onto it. Sec. Salazar distributed photographs to reporters of some of the changes they might see after the project is complete.  Lady Liberty appears to have Asian ancestry in the re-design. In an email Ms. Lin stated that she is âthrilled to update this national treasure.â When asked about what features would be changed, she wrote, âI think Iâll start with that big, white honker she has.â Lin said that she wants to be able âto look at the Statue and see every woman of color in the United States.â The National Diversity Coalition spokeswoman Tulia Isiduko-Roberts said that the facelift is a good step towards diversity in our national monuments but the transformation will be incomplete. âThe statue should look diverse but she will still have a Roman toga,â said Isuduko-Roberts. âShe should be wearing other clothes and accessories reflecting our many cultures.â Santa Marino African-American Studies Professor Bridget Willoughby-Herrard was not entirely supportive of the proposed facelift.  âIf [the Statute of Liberty] is going to reflect women of color, African-Americans were here long before the Asiatics,â she said.  âThis [woman] could be serving up potstickers on 24th [Street].â | 1 | satire |
3,244 | Hollywood To Release Controversial Brianâs Song Remake With Gay Theme
Word that Artisanal Film of Santa Marino is planning to remake the sports classic tear-jerker Brianâs Song was greeted with anxiety by more than a few fans of the original film â and by Billie Dee Williams who starred as Gayle Sayers in the original film.Williams as a flamboyant Lando Calrissian. With that surname, whether he was black or Persian was up for debate, but one thing for certain was that he was cool. âIâm sort of surprised by this decision. Certain things you shouldnât touch,â claims Williams. Sayers character in BS formed a close friendship â and a controversial bond across racial lines â with James Caanâs character Brian Piccolo. Piccolo was Sayersâ back-up at running back with the Chicago Bears during the 1968 NFL season. The original BS traces the close friendship formed between the two diverse men during a time when black and white relations in the U.S. were tense. As in true life, Piccolo dies in BS from a rare form of cancer forcing Sayers to come out of his emotional shell. The original filmâs creator, Richard Mallen, has told the press that the project does not have his blessing. What irks Mallen and has the rest of Hollywood in a buzz is Artisanalâs new plot line. In the reworked screenplay, the Sayers-Piccolo friendship evolves into a homosexual relationship. In the original BS as in real life, both Sayers and Piccolo were married during their time with the Bears. Also, no known homosexual affair existed between them.The original Brian's Song only hinted at a possible sexual relationship between Sayers and Piccolo. Creative director for Artisanal, Joe Sara, defends the production. âWhile we don't know that Sayers and Piccolo had a sexual relationship, we donât know that they didnât either.â According to Sara, the story should be told to a new generation and it needs a fresh angle for that to occur. âKids today havenât heard of these men, and the racial diversity story is not enough to get their attention,â said Sara. âAfrican Americans are accepted in football; gays [still] are not.â The 2005 film Brokeback Mountain grossed over $80 million, in part, by capitilizing on the stir created by injecting a gay relationship into a traditionally macho role - the cowboy. Sayers is supportive of the project. âI think it is wonderful that the story of Brian[âs] and my friendship will be told again,â said Sayers, who will be playing the role of the Bearsâ legendary head coach Jim Dooley. As to whether Sayers and Piccolo ever did anything more than tackling, Sayers says, âI suppose thatâs for only me and Brian to know and the rest of the world to wonder about.â | 1 | satire |
3,245 | Drought-stricken California âAqua-frackingâ Oregonâs Water
As Californiaâs three-year drought continues with no end in sight, water-desperate farmers and agribusinesses in the state are getting creative â by drilling horizontal wells into neighboring Oregon and taking its underground water for themselves. More than a dozen âaqua-frackingâ wells, in which oil-powered machines drill vertically and then horizontally into the earth in order to reach the groundwater, have sprung up along the Oregon border within the past month. The wells go directly under the state border to take Oregonâs water, which is then sent 500 miles south to farms in Californiaâs Central Valley. The drought has badly affected the fertile Central Valley, where hundreds of diverse crops are grown, including half the United Statesâ nuts, vegetables and fruits. Organic food stores such as Whole Foods and Sprouts have already started raising the prices on produce, although itâs mostly because their customers insist on paying more. One agribusiness company, OtnasnoM Inc. of Fresno, insisted there was no problem with drilling for Oregonâs water. âWhatâs a state border, really, when weâre all part of the same country? One nation, one people,â a company spokesman said. âBesides, have you ever been to Oregon? It rains 24/7 there; we here in the Golden State need that water.â Go west, then down deep Farmers and agribusinesses, which consume about 93 percent of Californiaâs water, have started drilling deeper into the earth for groundwater, since California until earlier this month didnât have regulations on pumping water. A Kern County cotton agribusiness has drilled five 2,500-foot wells into the earth, each one as deep as two Empire State Buildings. Another farmer in Merced County drilled a 2,800-foot well into his land in search of water and accidentally struck oil. âI want water, dammit, not oil!â farmer Jed Clampett told local news as his water well sprayed geysers of oil. âWhat the heck am I gonna do with all this oil? I drive a damn Tesla.â Drybacks With the drought turning many cities of the Central Valley into a modern Dust Bowl, many water-desperate Californians have resorted to legally crossing the Oregon border in search of liquid nourishment. Earlier this week, a Safeway in the border city of Ashland reported that in one day Californians had bought out its entire supply of water bottles and local craft beer, with India Pale Ale being a particular favorite. Some Oregonians are already fighting back against their southern neighbor. Medford resident Randall âMacâ McMurphy said he has taken action by organizing an armed group of local Oregonians who patrol Interstate 5 in an effort to discourage Californians from entering the state. âCalifornians already come here and buy our cheap land, fill our jobs, gentrify our cities, and donât even bother to pay our non-existent sales taxes,â a fuming McMurphy said. âNow they want our water? These dryback Californians should stay on their own side of the border.â However, California remains defiant by doing too little, too late to properly reform its water system. At a press conference at the state Capitol yesterday, California Gov. Jerry Brown defended aqua-fracking as a valuable alternative. âIf itâs wrong to keep taking valuable water from the north and giving it to super-rich agribusinesses and developers in the south, then why are these companies giving me lots of money and telling me thereâs no problem?â he said. | 1 | satire |
3,246 | Broadchurch to tackle teen graffiti threatâ
ITVâs flagship police drama has returned to our screens and promises a series of hard hitting story lines for future episodes; fly-tipping, unsolicited dogging and the misuse of cycle lanes. In a community already devastated by murder, dour-faced detectives will tackle a spate of shocking crimes that culminate in the vandalism of the cricket pavilion. Hoping to garner better viewing figures than the US version of the show, Broadchurch creator Chris Chibnall has promised to look at the darker side of stolen pickânâmix. Award winning Olivia Coleman will give another stellar performance, drawing on her years of training at the Judy Dench Drama School for Smiling, while David Tennant reprises his role as âthe bearded weaselâ. Referencing plotlines from the first series, viewers will be left on tenterhooks as to the identity of the perpetrator of the vomit puddle next to the war memorial. Bookiesâ favourite is film star Charlotte Rampling, who joins the cast as a woman coming to terms with damage to her allotment. In one particularly harrowing episode Oscar-nominee Marianne Jean-Baptiste, will discover that someone has been selling unlicensed fish without due health and safety measures. Refuting criticism that the show has run out of ideas, an ITV spokeswoman said: âOnly Broadchurch is addressing the serious issue of piggybacking on your neighbourâs wi-fi. These may seem like petty misdemeanours but to your average Daily Mail reader, this is serious stuff. No one wants to live in fear of someone forging a parentâs signature on school notes, breaking noise ordinances or worse still, posting flyers on a telephone pole. Itâs gritty. Itâs grim. Itâs got dog poo everywhere.â | 1 | satire |
3,247 | Voldemort was a âbeautiful man radicalised by wizard babyâ, claims group
Lord Voldemort, now revealed to be former Hogwarts student Tom Riddle, was today described by an advocacy group as a âbeautiful manâ, whose violent actions can be traced back to a âlong campaign of harassment by the same schoolboyâ. According to the charity group âIncarcerousâ, which worked with Riddle across a number of years, the schoolboy in question constantly monitored their clientâs movements and attempted to convince him to change sides, even offering at one point to leave him alone if Riddle gave up his lowly ambition to kill everyone and live forever. The group also claimed Riddle was repeatedly tortured; his arch enemy burned his host body using a magic stone, stabbed a book he possessed with a basilisk fang, and actively sought out and destroyed horcruxes containing his soul. In emails exchanged between the group and their client, Riddle (a.k.a. the Dark Lord) expresses his feelings of hopelessness at being unable to venture out of the Forbidden Forest for fear of constant surveillance by the Order of the Phoenix and only ever being able to move freely under an invisibility cloak or on the back of someoneâs head. According to many who knew him, Tom Riddle was a prize student who loved Quidditch and had no interest in destroying all half-breeds until the harassment began. However, the charity has itself been accused of attempting to hide its own radical agenda after one of its founders was filmed calling for The Dark Lordâs eternal rule, declaring: âwe know who the answer is â You Know Who!â. The charity claims their only aim is to help represent ordinary Death Eaters such as Riddle who have been victimised by the war on evil magic. Critics of the Ministry of Magic have called for an investigation into radicalisation in schools, arguing that Riddle was a victim of an education system which blatantly segregates good and evil into separate houses. | 1 | satire |
3,248 | Last Tango in Halifax âto use margarineâ
After long deliberations and âsome experiment in rehearsalâ, the producers of Last Tango in Halifax have opted to use a well-known brand name margarine in a much-awaited key scene. Director Mike Smillers said: âWe were pretty sure we werenât going to use butter, even as an âhomageâ to the French original âLast Tango in Parisâ. Someone bought 200 grams of salted Lurpak to the read through, but we ended up using it for sandwiches.â The cast did experiment with lard in an early rehearsal. Co Star Anne Reid told the TV Times: âThere was a lot going for the lard lobby. Very northern and down to earth, and no strain on the production budget. And luckily neither of us is a vegetarian. But after Dinner Ladies, I was uncomfortable with it, frankly, and so was Derek, eventually.â Ms Reid continued: âThen there was talk of using one of these olive oil based spreads, because of the link with healthy diets and longer-living older Mediterranean folk. So we tried it a couple of times, but it wasnât up to snuff. Nice on toast, mind. Of course we had to use a fresh spreading knife, each time. âWe also looked at the stuff advertised by Carol Vordemann, and she did, I have to say capture Derekâs imagination. Benecol is supposed to be great-tasting, and it lowers cholesterol, so there would be a double benefit. Carol came on set for a day, bless her, but it didnât work out, despite Derek giving his utmost. Letâs face it, this is meant to be Halifax. We had to say to ourselves, this is an unremarkable northern community. What would this lovely old couple use in real life? In the end we plumped for Stork, course we did. I mean itâs traditional, apart from anything else. My mother baked with it, and my father loved it.â The BBC then had to face product placement issues. âWe have tight guidelines on thisâ said the BBCâs Head of Spreads, Janet Smivvers. âLast Tangoâs popularity is such that we could have triggered a Delia Smith event, with millions of viewers using the ingredient as a result of seeing it on TV. The BBC must act responsibly and it is not allowed to advertise. We tried to get the production to refer simply to generic âmargarineâ in the dialogue, but they argued it was implausible. In the end we compromised. Product placement is always a matter of negotiation, especially where this product was placed. It was always going to be an uphill struggle.â | 1 | satire |
3,249 | Museums now on the look-out for loose appendage
Following the revelation that the blue and gold braided beard on the mask of the pharaoh Tutankhamun had been hurriedly glued back on after it was damaged, archaeologists and museum conservators around the world are checking for other instances of bodged conservation. Italian conservator Luigi Boninsegna, based at Galleria dellâAccademia in Florence, has given assurances that Michelangeloâs Statue of David remains intact, despite one or two female visitors remarking on the disappointing size of his manhood. âNothing has ever been chipped off, filed down or replaced,â he told Kirsty Wark in an exclusive interview on Newsnight. âMany women come here with much higher and sometimes impossible expectations, so it is understandable that they sometimes harbour such conspiracy theories.â Similarly, at Athensâ Archaeological Museum, the appendage on the famous bronze Satyr has been examined and is reported to be still at a full 60 degree tilt with no traces of interference. Conservators in Cairo are now calling for a super-glue amnesty among staff in the light of recent events, with extra security being placed around phalluses and chin adornments. Meanwhile tippex has been banned from the Israel Museum of Jerusalem, home to some of the Dead Sea Scrolls. At Wolverhampton Museum and Art Gallery, the Saxon Stiffy is reportedly still intact. In India, the authorities have expressed their grave disappointment that the erotic temple carvings at Khajuraho have not been chipped off or glued back on in the wrong way. Some have now reluctantly conceded that this may prove that many of their ancestors had quite athletic sex, something that the nation of 1.1 billion people has hitherto been reluctant to acknowledge. In a separate development, Israeli archaeologists searching for the lost appendage of the famous statue of Gerontius, have revealed that they have begun to unearth something exceedingly large from beneath huge layers of sedimentary deposits. Conservator, David Bendor said: âIf this does belong to Gerontius then all I can say is âHoly Moses!â Most of us can but dreamâ¦â | 1 | satire |
3,250 | Thousands turn out in Birmingham to see Noam Chomsky switch on Christmas lights
Thousands of revellers have turned out in Birmingham city centre to celebrate the switching on of the Christmas lights by anarcho-syndicalist activist Noam Chomsky. Chomsky, who wooed crowds at a similar event in London earlier this month, delivered a speech on revolutionary industrial unionism to rapturous acclaim before flicking the switch to herald the start of the cityâs festive celebrations. Meanwhile in Edinburgh an estimated 2000 people flocked to an event in the cityâs Princes Street Gardens to watch Alain de Botton turn on the Christmas tree lights and deliver a short lecture on the pitfalls of pseudo-vernacular architecture in modern British housing. However, there was anger among spectators in Nottingham after Oxford Professor of Mathematics and television presenter Marcus du Sautoy was unable to attend the cityâs Christmas lights ceremony due to ill health. When it was announced that One Direction singer Harry Styles had been drafted in as a last minute replacement the atmosphere among the crowd became tense, with fears spreading that he was about to sing a line or two from âThatâs what makes you beautifulâ. Sensing that the mood was turning ugly Mr Styles threw away his page of music, unplugged his autotune earpiece and delivered a dialectic on how the microcosm of autocratic influence in the entertainment industry indicated an aspiration towards unchecked plutocratic, hegemonic dominance over those compliant enough not to question it. The crowd went wild. . | 1 | satire |
3,251 | Next EastEnders anniversary to be celebrated with real murder
In a landmark TV event, the 31st anniversary of EastEnders will be marked with the live televised murder of a major character and the actor who plays them, according to the showâs producers. After the murder scene, the ensuing arrival of real police and subsequent arrests will be cleverly woven into the drama, while real convicted East End gangsters will be scattered in with the extras in order to add some extra unpredictability and menace to the proceedings. It is thought the slaying will form the climax of a month of live hour-long nightly episodes, which will see the return of a multitude of former EastEnders murderers and murderees in a storyline loosely based around a jellied eel convention. The shows will also feature multiple births, weddings, births at weddings and theft of Christmas Club funds, and will be teased for several months in advance on BBC1, BBC2 and CBeebies. Fans and bloggers are already speculating over the identity of the killer, with Ian Beale taking an early lead as the only character certain to have not left the show in the intervening time, while Nick Cotton is considered highly likely to have recovered from his own murder in time to âsettle some old scoresâ back in the Square. The cast will not be briefed beforehand on the choice of culprit or victim, except for the murderer themselves, who will be informed minutes before shooting begins. Early production scripts have already been encoded in rhyming slang to further protect the storylineâs dramatic revelations. However, if anyone is able to get access to a leaked script, their luck is out â producers have already promised to arrange to murder two other cast members in scenes to be shot simultaneously on the night to combat press spoilers. | 1 | satire |
3,252 | Sacha Baron Cohen tipped for Emmys for tragi-comedy character âRussell Brandâ
Comedy genius Sacha Baron Cohen has created arguably his most brilliant satirical character yet â the commie-tragic buffoon Russell Brand. The comic creation â criticised by some who claimed Cohen was mocking people with narcissistic personality disorder â won millions of followers with his heart warming portrayal of a man suffering from delusions of grandeur. One independently minded Guardian book reviewer aside, the entire staff of both The Guardian and the BBC were taken in by the Russell Brand character. He was granted audiences with news editors, publishers and TV producers. His opinion was sought out by Parliamentary Select Committees and quangos set up to combat drug addiction and over crowding in prisons. He regularly held court on issues of politics, economics and global warming, with people far more knowledgable and experienced than himself. And yet, incredibly, everyone was taken in. In one hilarious scene, he gets on BBC Newsnight and appears to be rumbled by Jeremy Paxman, but he bluffs his way through. In another skit, he is seen trying to kiss Peter Hitchens of The Daily Mail. Owen Jones unquestioningly accepts every deluded statement made by Brand, in an interview broadcast to mass audiences of believers. In one touching scene, Brand likens Owen Jones, who touchingly reciprocates by hailing Brand as âthis generationâs Johan Hariâ. Eventually, the comic creation took on a life of its own and went in a direction that its author never intended. As with many satirical creations â like Warren Mitchellâs Alf Garnett and Harry Enfieldâs Loadsamoney â many people sympathised with the extreme views that the comic was attempting to send up. As Brand drew more and more fans, his creator decided to kill off the character. In his final scene, Brand goes on Newsnight and claims that the 9/11 attacks on America could have been the result of a US Government conspiracy. In the next scene, we see Brand getting off a plane Los Angeles and the first person to greet him is a security guard who kicks Brand so hard in the goolies that he ends up wearing his scrotum for a hat. The pictures fades as we see Brand desperately running for his life, pursued by an angry mob, desperately trying to hold onto his hat. | 1 | satire |
3,253 | Simon Bates and Bruno Brookes to host âFacebook Goldâ feed
Former Radio One DJs Simon Bates and Bruno Brookes are the latest addition to the growing roster of Colin Taylorâs âFacebook Goldâ feed, joining Tony Blackburn and âDiddyâ David Hamilton. âFacebook Goldâ, which re-posts some of the Eastleigh-born and bred bank clerkâs best-loved status updates launched today, with Colinâs post of exactly one year ago âOrdered caramel macchiato on the coffee run #NomNomNomâ introduced by an ebullient Blackburn. âItâs a thrilling opportunity and Iâm delighted to be on board,â Brookes told reporters. âI mean, everyone remembers what they were doing when they first saw âCanât believe how useless TalkTalk customer services are.â Iâll be introducing some of the more hard-hitting posts.â Taylor, 47, promised that âFacebook Goldâ would contain something for everyone: âThere will be posts to suit all tastes, as well as some of my choicest tweets, re-worked for the Facebook format. With seven years of status updates to choose from, thereâs plenty to choose from, but I will be focusing on peopleâs all-time favourites. So that will mean plenty of outings for the likes of âWow, havenât listened to any Stereophonics for ages. They still ROCK!â and memes like âToday is the first day of the rest of your life, so CELEBRATE! â The Dalai Lamaââ Meanwhile Simon Bates will be hosting a âgolden hourâ inviting Colinâs dozens of friends and followers to guess the year of posts as well as hosting a special daily âOur Tweetâ where he will tell the true stories behind such enigmatic status updates as âJust donât askâ¦â from 2008 and âAm going to sulk for the rest of the dayâ from 2011. Meanwhile Colin has promised his friends and followers that he will continue to post fresh status updates, saying that he is âkeen not to rely on past gloriesâ. His latest post âCanât wait to see this on Facebook Gold in a yearâs time! Lol!!â introduced by 1 Xtraâs Charlie Sloth, receiving a record three likes. | 1 | satire |
3,254 | âFifty Shades effectâ blamed for rise in stupid bullsh*t
Media analysts are warning that the impending release of the film âFifty Shades of Greyâ could lead to a sudden spike in spurious, made-up tosh in newspapers that could be used as an excuse to print a picture of a half-naked woman tied up and blindfolded in order to sell a few extra copies. âRecent days have seen stories in the press linked to the release of the film â that Londonâs fire chiefs are braced for an increase in calls to release people trapped in handcuffs and that B&Q in Tamworth issued a memo to its staff to be prepared for increased requests for items like rope, cable ties and duct tape,â said Media Studies professor Colin Wade. âExcept that itâs all a hoax and none of this really happened because even the British people arenât that stupid. Well, not all of them anyway.â â50 Shades of Greyâ, starring Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, is an adaptation of the inexplicable best seller by E.L. James, which took its title from the fact that 50 copies of it are currently available for 50p in every charity shop in the entire country. Cinemas are expecting huge crowds to come and see it on its Valentineâs Day release in order to check rumours that it isnât quite as awful as the book and then go home together to have mildly disappointing sex. âBasically,â added Professor Wade, âthere is not going to be a spike in sales of chains, riding crops or anything else that sounds vaguely arousing until they actually try it to people who want to think they are a bit kinky. Ladies, there is not going to be a spike in the sudden availability of handsome, sensitive, mysterious multi-billionaires who have been waiting all their lives to meet you. And men, there is not going to be a spike in the number of unworldly 22-year-old virgins whoâll let you spank them. Not even from zero to one.â âThe only thing there is going to be a spike in is stupid crap. And actually it might be a fairly ordinary day in that respect too, come to think of it. This is Britain in 2015 after all.â | 1 | satire |
3,255 | Men relish denouncing 1970s sexism while still repeatedly saying âtitsâ
Shocking revelations about how senior figures from the world of entertainment got away with sexual harassment, combined with an unlimited appetite for instant nostalgia among those who grew up with Spangles and Raleigh Choppers, are creating an ideal situation for middle-aged men. For those who get paid to pass sardonic comment on long-forgotten sitcoms where âdirty old menâ leered at âdolly birdsâ, it is better still. âIncredible,â said David Baddiel, after watching an episode of The Professionals in which Bodie calmly fished a grenade out of a screaming Pamela Stephensonâs top. âNot only did they think itâs OK to have him rip her thin blouse wide open and slap her face to calm her down, they also have her look up at him doe-eyed and grateful for casually brushing the residue off her tits afterwards. Rescuing a woman, however heroically, does not automatically entitle you to touch her tits. Shocking.â Channel 4â²s new âIt Was Alright in the 70sâ has shone a light on the sheer extent of casual sexism on TV at the time. âIt was the perfect storm, really,â said media analyst Ged Carson. âThere were only three channels and commissioning was in the hands of men young enough to be aware of the sexual revolution of the 1960s but too old to have benefitted from it themselves. Not surprisingly, there was an excessive focus on tits.â Moreover, with feminism still to find its feet, it was still culturally acceptable in the 1970s for beauty pageants to be televised live from seaside resorts. In many cases, shocked celebrity watchers noted over self-explanatory footage, cameras blatantly panned straight at the contestantsâ tits while male presenters asked them fatuous yes-no questions that made them look like airheads. Even Terry Wogan took part, laughingly telling a girl in a bikini she was âbig for 16â², which most now take to be a reference to her tits. However, many believe that we have not really moved on very far from those dark days. âAll too many men still try to attract women by ostensibly advertising their non-sexist credentials while still reducing them to a collection of body parts by gratuitously chucking in words like âfannyâ, âknickersâ and âarseâ,â said post-modern man Josh Branston. âIn fact, the author of this story is doing precisely that right now. And so, as a matter of fact, am I, a fictional character. Perhaps if we feed the loop back long enough, it will create a paradox that will cause the universe to implode? Naah, probably not. Tits.â | 1 | satire |
3,256 | Fox News Analyst Claims âLondon is 85% Gayâ
An expert appeared on Fox News last night and claimed that 85 percent of Londoners are homosexual. During a segment about the future of gay marriage around the world, Greg Bolton -- the channelâs senior European social policy analyst -- told a stunned panel that rates of homosexuality are rising exponentially across Europe and show no sign of stopping. âGays will be a majority in Europe by 2027,â he declared to host Sean Hannity. âIn some major cities like Paris, Berlin and Dublin they already outnumber straight people. In fact, according to one estimate, homosexuals made up 85 percent of Londonâs population in 2014 and that figure will rise to above 90 percent by 2020. âItâs truly scary to think what this might mean for the future of the continent's demographics. The baby boomers are retiring. How are they going to replace all those workers? Where are all the babies going to come from if everybodyâs gay?â Boltonâs statements bear striking resemblance to those of counter-terrorism hobbyist Steve Emerson, who recently told Fox News that the entire city of Birmingham, England, was Muslim and a no-go area for police. Although Fox News later apologized for those erroneous comments, the incident typifies the fact-free hyperbolic scaremongering that has come to define the networkâs brand. A clearly befuddled Hannity gave Bolton the opportunity to walk back his comments, asking him if he was certain about his figures. âSean, 85 percent what Iâm hearing is from my expert sources in the U.K.,â he responded. âSome say it could even be higher. Supermodels visiting from other countries are unable to find dates because all the men are into each other. It's a real mess.â A spokesperson for the Fox News had no comment about this recent incident. An email to Bolton went unanswered. | 1 | satire |
3,257 | Derbyshire destroyed as romantic hero smoulders that little bit too much
According to unofficial reports, most of Derbyshire was destroyed by fire yesterday following an incident in the grounds of Pemberley House, near Lambton. It appears that the owner, Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, a handsome gentleman with a fortune of £9,000 per year, began to brood out of control when taking a turn in the gardens with Miss Elizabeth Bennett, the demure yet witty daughter of an impoverished local gentleman. âWith hindsight, Mr Darcy was an accident waiting to happen,â said Commander Ray Walker of the Peak District Fire Brigade. âSuch was the ardour of his unspoken passion that his breeches had spontaneously combusted several times before. Apparently this once forced him to dive into a lake in the grounds. Several young ladies who witnessed him climb out were later found reduced to ashes and damp petticoats.â Architectural historians are lamenting the loss of Pemberley House, which had long ravished the refined sensibilities of all who saw it. They are now calling for restrictions on the movements of mysterious, romantic yet dangerous men with dark secrets before more disasters take place. The move is being fiercely opposed by young ladies. âHis eyes met mine so keen and fierce, I started; and then he seemed to smile,â said Catherine Earnshaw, 22, from the Yorkshire dales. âI could not think him dead: but his face and throat were washed with rain; the bed-clothes dripped, and he was perfectly still. The lattice, flapping to and fro, had grazed one hand that rested on the sill ⦠sorry, what was the question again?â Nonetheless, after this latest in a series of uncontrolled smoulderings, the authorities may be forced to act. Last year, the Assembly Rooms in Bath nearly went up in flames after a particularly intense scotch reel. Disaster was only averted when a quick-thinking footman threw himself onto the conflagration. The local gentry generously subscribed 17s/6d to keep his widow and four children fed in the local workhouse for a year. Commander Walker warned that the latest disaster could easily have been even worse. âFortunately this is still the early 19th century, so it didnât occur to Mr Darcy to offer Miss Bennett a helicopter ride or a spanking. And had his hair been properly tousled as well, the whole of the East Midland could have been lost. How do you âtousleâ hair anyway? I wish someone had told me before I went bald.â | 1 | satire |
3,258 | Turner Prize to be âartist-freeâ
From next year, works which come with an artistâs name attached will be disqualified from the prestigious contemporary art prizeâs selection process. Instead, judges will concentrate on works that have not been made by artists. âThe very idea of artists has now been totally discredited by new and exciting works like âJames Milnerâs Shin Padsâ,â explained chief Judge Mike Smythe. âThese exist free of the bourgeois taint of personality cult. No formal âartistâ has been involved, strictly speaking.â âThe problem is we are seeing generations of male ceramics students feeling they have to dress up as little girls to gain attention, or to buy out Toys r Usâs total stock of miniature soldiers. Meanwhile female students on similar courses feel they have to sleep with diverse men for no good reason, then make lists of them on pullovers. At the prestigious St Martinâs School of Art, lecturers have noticed an outbreak of students spitting at their own work in progress, not always accurately. This has led to Health and Safety concerns.â In his speech to this yearâs winners, Smythe praised generations of Turner contestantsâ creative efforts to avoid evening dress on the night and members of the public sending in VHS tapes on which they recorded analogue interference from the Redditch transmitter mast in 1977. âOf course, these efforts are to be applauded in the way they have subverted the very idea of art. But all too often they come with the hegemonic taint of âthe artistâ, with all the negativity that entails. This inhibits the impact of the prestigious Turner prize.â Smythe went on to praise âThe Idea of Biscuit Crumbsâ which does not even have physical attributes, let alone an identifiable creator. Smythe said âThe Crumbs, not on show at the prestigious Tate Modern, have wowed critics and visitors alike in the way they subvert the very idea of âartâ, while referencing every day life as experienced by every day people who are not artists. It is understood next yearâs Turner Prize event, at the prestigious Tate Britain, will take place as usual, but nobody will be invited. Food will be served as usual, but this will be allowed to decompose on the plates until the next yearâs prestigious ceremony. Smythe said: âThe whole thing will be filmed by toddlers with Fischer Price video cameras. In this way we subvert the very idea of a prize of this kind. We urgently need to reassess what we mean by the idea of âartâ and âartistsâ, first and foremost by making sure these increasingly redundant words are always placed inside inverted commas for their own safety.â | 1 | satire |
3,259 | Harvard study confirms âBlowinâ in the windâ is totally ineffective
A Harvard University study has challenged the mythical status of Bob Dylan by questioning the singer-songwriterâs key assertion that there are many situations in life where âthe answer is blowin in the windâ. This claim had never been formally tested, but thanks to a definitive final year Media Studies project at Harvard, spearheaded by Emeritus Professor Hyaz Akite, the theory may be finally laid to rest. Akiteâs breakthrough was in noting that the phrase âthe answer is blowinâ in the windâ could have two distinctly separate meanings, thereby giving rise to ambiguity and potential âwiggle roomâ to advocates of Dylanâs theory, but this was dealt with systematically in the study. In study Leg 1, it was assumed that âthe answer is blowinâ in the windâ meant that on windy days, that answers would be found to be floating around on Post It notes or other scraps of paper. Prof Akite assigned students binoculars and butterfly nets to identify and record answers that may appear in this specific âblowinâ in the windâ format. Leg 2 assumed that âthe answer is blowinâ in the windâ meant that by the act of forcibly blowing outwards, from the mouth, on a windy day, that answers to enigmatic questions would simply be forthcoming. In this leg, the form of the answers could not be assumed and hence the Students were asked to be open-minded with respect to the appearance of answers and for this leg, in a highly controversial move, Akite spiked his studentâs coffee with LSD. Although it was noted that while 30% of the study students were in fact shot by angry residents, 7% leapt to their deaths from windows pretending to be butterflies and a further 20% were hospitalised for psychosis, President Obama praised the study as highlighting the importance of American culture and world-class research in a world lacking in key US values. Bob Dylan was unavailable for comment but his spokesperson did state that he had always assumed the term to mean farting. | 1 | satire |
3,260 | X-Factor panel to be replaced by actual judges
In an effort to combat accusations of bias amongst the celebrity judging panel in the forthcoming high-profile final of the X-Factor, the current panel will be replaced by a more traditional panel of judges. Taking the place of Louis Walsh will be Lord Chief Justice âClockwork Duckâ Thomas, a QC since 1984 and appointed a high court judge in 1996. Lord Thomas commented; âIt is an honour to be asked to preside over this prestigious event, and I have treated to myself to a new gavel which I will use to stop any disruption. I may find the summing-up difficult as I am not a great singer, and may have to mime, but the audience, or as we call it, jury, will get the idea.â Mel B is being replaced by the controversial former high court recorder Constance Briscoe who was called to the Bar in 1983 and worked until she was jailed for perverting the course of justice in 2012 in the Chris Huhne case and removed as a member of the judiciary as a consequence. This will be Briscoeâs first major public engagement since her release from prison in November. Although she is no longer a judge she âAccepts that I still have the skills to judge, and will act with integrity and impartiality, unless that Italian bloke wins.â Cherylâs successor is little known diversity and community relations judge Her Honour Judge Adele Williams who admitted; âMy appointment was a wonderful if unexpected surprise and I look forward to passing sentence on the winner. Itâs a pity that the death sentence has been removed for most convictions, but winning the contest is already, in my mind, tantamount to treason.â The announcement that traditional judges are being used has angered many people especially Louis Walsh who accused judges of being âBlustery, old fashioned, out-of-touch, wearing ridiculous attire, and to cap it all they know nothing about talent, showbusiness or the music industry.â Simon Cowell has decided not to be replaced. . | 1 | satire |
3,261 | Bear Grylls publishes âTo Grill a Flocking Birdâ
The book world is literally ablaze with astonishment today on reading the news that notorious agoraphile and mucky-pup Bear Grylls has stepped in to fill the bird-mocking void left by Harper Lee more than fifty-five years ago. However, unlike Leeâs dreary black and white yarn of a mute lawyer imprisoned in a bird infested attic, Bear has crafted a complex and touching narrative that explores the positive aspects of racism, class, prejudice, injustice, and how best to catch and consume migrating wildlife. The story is told from the perspective of an eight-year-old Bear growing up as a young Scout in the small but obscenely wealthy community of Bembridge on the Isle of Wight. Set in this âpressure-cookerâ environment of croquet lawns, white supremacy and yacht clubs, the plucky Bear seeks comfort in trapping and devouring any creature that strays into his kill-zone. But the story takes a tragic turn for the multicultural worse when Bearâs father â the corrupt and opportunistic Tory MP Sir Michael Grylls â is obliged to embark on the courageous quest of expelling the first ever black man who moves onto the island, presumably to practice voodoo, or rape babies, or somesuch evil. The bookâs original manuscript had long been thought lost until Bearâs nanny recently rediscovered it at the bottom of his old Eton school satchel. Almost 300 pages, written entirely in morse code using larkâs spittle, were found under a thick layer of moss and badger dung, along with detailed plans for ballooning hippos to a sanctuary in Snowdonia, and a finger-painting of Bear and Jesus eating swans on the summit of Everest. Literary critics are already saying that this inspirational novel will become standard reading in right-wing academies and Christian free-schools. The highly anticipated sequel âThe Flycatcher in the Pieâ, about teenage angst and baking shortcrust pastries in British woodland, will be released and probably banned later this year. | 1 | satire |
3,262 | Mr C banned from Billingsgate market for excessive âsalmonâ requests
Mr C, enigmatic frontman of early â90s rave outfit The Shaman, has been handed a lifetime ban from Billingsgate fish market, lawyers representing the vendorsâ association said today. The association lodged a formal complaint against the artist, real name Colin Angus, accusing him of habitually enquiring as to whether or not vendors stocked a certain product. He would then say âsortedâ and walk off without buying anything. âAt first we all had a laugh about it,â said one vendor. âHeâd walk up to Archie in stall 48 and ask about salmon, then heâd hop over to Eddie on 37 and ask him the same thing. Heâd just be walking from stall to stall all morning and we would just rip the piss out of him shouting âlaaaaavelyâ and âa ha ha ha haaaaâ and stuff like that, but after a few months it turned nasty. Heâd walk up to old biddies after trading and start turning out their trolleys looking for salmon.â Fishmonger Alfie Tullet added: âLast week he got stuck on repeat and just stood there for ages looking at a postbox and asking if it had any salmon, which it clearly didnât. We had to get one of the forklifts to come and move him over to the bus stop, it took him a fair old while to buy a ticket as well.â It is unclear whether or not Mr C ever found the salmon he was looking for, but thereâs no question that he was prepared to move mountains to find it. His whereabouts are unknown but the internet is awash with rumours that he is sheltering somewhere in the vicinity of Borough Market, possibly en route to Kings Cross where he can access the salmon-rich rivers of the North East. With mainstream options running out, anglers, small village fishmongers and dinner parties with a starter option have been urged to be on the lookout for Angus. A spokesperson for the Northumberland Constabulary stated: âWe have warned residents to keep their fish stocks in a secure location and not display any behaviour that could indicate to Mr Angus that they had any salmon. We will monitor the situation and decide if we also need to issue guidance on the possession of veras.â | 1 | satire |
3,263 | BBC lose Operation Yewtree franchise to Sky
\n In a day of frantic bidding, Sky has won exclusive rights to Operation Yewtree raids, wresting control from the BBC. The move has won especial approval from the South Yorkshire Police Commissioner, who stated that his officers âwere looking forward to working closely with Sky.â In a separate statement officers from Operation Yewtree praised the BBC for its âunstinting professionalismâ and insisted that most Yewtree officers would âprobably continue to purchase a TV Licence.â Sir Cliff Richard praised the move. âAlthough Iâve had nothing but respect for the BBC regarding their Wimbledon coverage, theyâve been hopelessly out of their depth on this project. I canât wait for Sky to cover the return of South Yorkshire police to my various homes, and hopefully we can issue my films, concerts and home raids as a box set for Sky customers.â\n | 1 | satire |
3,264 | âGrand Designsâ house constructed entirely out of forgotten Christmas puddings
In one of the most ambitious self-building projects to date âGrand Designsâ presenter Kevin McCloud has revealed the first house to be constructed entirely out of forgotten Christmas puddings. When Devonshire couple, Tom and Felicity Holmes realised that they could never afford to build their dream house out of traditional materials they were forced to think outside of the box. So, when Felicity discovered 17 yearsâ worth of unused Christmas puddings in the back of her motherâs kitchen cupboard, she experienced a true âEurekaâ moment. The couple called for a Christmas pudding amnesty across the County, and with the help of the Torquay Advertiser and the Crediton Times, they were bombarded with tons of unused Christmas puddings, some dating from the early 1930âs, enabling them to start work on their cosy family home. Kevin McCloud described their dream as the riskiest Grand Designs project ever. âI never thought for one moment that Tom and Felicity would be able to tap into a rich seam of rock hard prunes, sultanas, ground cinnamon and muscovado sugar. But they have proved me wrong, and the resulting Adobe design has elements of Black Forest gothic coupled with scrumptious Bauhaus simplicity. They should be very proud.â With metre thick walls and windows made out of three layers of empty mincemeat jars the building meets currant UK building standards for Sustainable Homes. But the building project was not all plain sailing, explained Kevin. âIn late September the couple announced that they had run out of petrified marzipan to top off the roof structure leaving the house open to the elements during the winter months. Luckily Tomâs mother had a cupboard full of stale brandy snaps, which gave them a temporary fix and time to resolve the problem. âHaving Kevin in the mix helped us finish the project in the time we allowed,â said Tom âthe walls alone required five hours steaming at gas mark 5 and more than three hundred and fifty feet of cling film to hold them together during the building process.â The couple now plan to host a massive house warming party, just in time for Christmas for long suffering neighbours, family and friends. Next door neighbour Horace Bradley said, âIt hasnât been easy for anyone, and to be honest theyâve made living next to them an absolute misery for the last six months. I canât wait for the party and look forward to pouring brandy over the top and setting the fucker alight.â | 1 | satire |
3,265 | Charlieâs Angels sequel to star bearded male cast
A controversial sequel to the popular Charlieâs Angels movie has been announced this week, with a cast comprising entirely of bearded men from the West Midlands. The unexpected twist on the 2000 blockbuster comes just days after director Paul Feig announced an all-female cast for the reboot of the 1984 classic Ghostbusters, much to the dismay of many dedicated fans. Many fans loyal to the widely watched 70s series and subsequent movie have already hit out at the news, claiming that itâs âpolitical correctness gone madâ. âThe character Natalie Cook played by Cameron Diaz is my favourite Angelâ, explained super-fan Gemma Matthews. âSheâs a brave, intelligent, strong and beautiful woman; a match for any man. Now sheâs being portrayed by Dave Robins from Smethwick. He has a neck beard and a drinking problemâ. Defending his decision, Joseph McGinty Nichol, who directed the film adaption fifteen-years ago, said: âTell me, why do the Angels have to be tall, sexy women? Why canât they be slightly overweight, piliferous blokes from in and around Birmingham? Itâs 2015, man. I was hugely inspired by Feigâs bold move with Ghostbusters. It took courage and it demonstrates that we no longer have to suffer an entertainment industry that feels inclined to follow tired stereotypesâ. âFeig of course has a bumpy road ahead, convincing his audience that a team of women are just as capable of catching wayward demons as a group of strong men areâ. He added: âSimilarly I also have hurdles to face, like squeezing Dave into a flowery mini-skirt and size three platform shoes, but as a skilled director itâs a challenge Iâm willing to faceâ. | 1 | satire |
3,266 | Scotland to be allowed to choose their own plot directions in EastEnders
In yet another concession towards Scottish nationalists, Westminster has announced that from Summer 2015 Holyrood will be able to take control of plot and character development in the version of EastEnders broadcast in Scotland. Although filming will remain at Elstree in London, editorial control for the two parallel versions of EastEnders will be split between White City and the BBC studios in Glasgow. Critics have claimed this will cause a huge amount of disruption to the show with parallel, yet overlapping plot lines meaning more work for actors, crew and writers, within an already tightly-constrained production schedule. There are also fears that none of the issues raised between the much-loved characters will ever now be satisfactorily resolved. Scottish activists are nonetheless thrilled with the devolution of EastEnders. âWeâre delighted that we can finally get some true Scottish influence into the show. Far too often, English-produced media relies on ridiculous stereotypes to portray Scottish characters, and this legislation means we have an end to it,â said spokesperson Hamish MacDonald whilst not munching on a deep-fried mars bar or twirling his kilt. He did concede, however, that plots based on the Gay Gordons might appeal if only the writers could be persuaded to open a new nightclub round the back and out of sight, behind the launderette, in Walford. It is yet to be seen how the divergent plot lines will affect the show, although the rumoured return of Trevor Morgan in the Scottish EastEnders may ruffle some feathers. Other sources are reporting that Billy Connolly has been offered, and has accepted, the role as the new landlady of the Queen Vic. In order to speed up production many of the changes to the Scottish edition are likely to be added digitally in post-production. BBC Scotland have already proposed that even in sections of footage shared between the two editions there may be some subtle changes needed to suit Scottish culture, for example, digitally removing fruit and veg from the market stall and replacing it with bootleg DVDs, or Dot Cotton going on a day trip up West to 10 Downing Street and burning it down with a carelessly discarded fag. | 1 | satire |
3,267 | Obama Wears âI Canât Breatheâ Shirt To Congressional Swearing-In Ceremony
President Obama surprised Congress today when he attended the 114th Congressional swearing-in ceremony wearing an âI Canât Breatheâ T-shirt. Republican elected officials looked âstunnedâ as the president entered congressional chambers. Reporters said the Republican congressmen looked breathless and âwhiter than usual.â House Speaker John Boehner of Ohio spoke with media after the ceremony and said, âThe shirt is the definition of inappropriate. Racism is not a joke, and the president making such a racist statement is uncalled for on this important day.â Pressed for more insight, Boehner added, âIf the blacks really want to fight for equality, they should listen and do what we say. We know whatâs best. First thing, start by pulling up your pants. Second, stop acting so black all the time.â On a more positive note, Boehner admitted that he âdid enjoy the Cuban cigars the president gave me for Christmas.â But âthis proves Obama has no idea what heâs doing. Thank God the Republicans are back in control of Congress so the country can start moving back in the white direction, I mean the right direction.â Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky told Fox News he wasnât aware of the âI canât breatheâ shirtâs meaning. âI donât understand why he canât breathe. I thought he quit smoking.â After being informed by a staff member on the meaning of the protest slogan, McConnell said, âOh, people are still talking about that? If that guy really couldnât breathe, how was he able to talk? It doesnât add up in my estimation.â You Take My Breath Away The âI Canât Breatheâ campaign started when New York resident Eric Garner was suffocated by New York City police officer Daniel Pantaleo on July 17, 2014. In recordings captured by onlookers, Garner was heard saying, âI canât breathe, I canât breathe.â Public outrage ensued following the incident; Â many professional athletes wore âI canât breatheâ shirts during post game warm-ups, after the police officer was not indicted for murder. Obama spoke with Barbara Walters after the congressional ceremony and said, âThe struggle for justice and equality among the races has been a long road and many miles are left to travel. Think of this shirt as a novelty item I bought at the truck stop while we filled up for cheap gas and grabbed some snacks. âWe are all on this road trip together, and sometimes you need to roll down the window for a breath of fresh air. Wearing this shirt is literally the least I can do to help support the black community during my presidency. But with the Republicans in control of both the House and Senate, I sure as hell canât breathe.â With Obama having the potential to be a lame duck President in his final years, his âI Canât Breatheâ was a last-ditch effort to solidify his legacy. âThere's a real a struggle here, folks. Itâs just not about the public versus the police, or black versus white, or republicans versus democrats. Itâs about having a civilized society versus an uncivilized society.â âMan, quitting smoking while trying to be president certainly wasnât good timing.â | 1 | satire |
3,268 | Mike Read âstrugglingâ with difficult second racist song
Sources close to DJ and UKIP half-time entertainer Mike Read have reported that the writer of âUKIP Calypsoâ is struggling with the follow-up to the smash hit. âMike doesnât want to rush genius, but heâs conscious that heâs surfing on the crest of a wave,â said a friend, who confirmed that potential tracks include âAll About That Raceâ, âBigotryâ (Itâs Easy as 1,2,3) and âThatâs Why the Lady is a Slutâ. He continued: âTime is of the essence â heâs got a golden opportunity to capitalise on the limelight before either the electorate reads the UKIP Manifesto or the Daily Mail gives away another Diana memorial DVD.â âIt is the problem that has plagued artists from Coldplay to Timmy Mallet â how do I make lightning strike twice?â Says the editor of NME, who couldnât confirm rumours that Read will âblack upâ for his next live gig. âHis best bet would be a Christmas number â Iâm Dreaming of an Exclusively White Christmas or perhaps Drive Them Home for Christmas.â Nigel Farage has allegedly stepped in to support Read, who reached number 21 in the charts with UKIP Calpyso before the single was withdrawn from sale in the UK, despite unconfirmed reports that it made the Top 10 in Bongo-Bongoland. âNigel reminded Mike that he was famous for refusing to play the Frankie Goes to Hollywood song, Relax,â said a UKIP spokesman, who insisted he had a darkie in his house once who did a smashing job with the boiler. âAt the time, Mike felt the lyric, ârelax, donât do it/When you want to comeâ, was simply too controversial. But recorded in the right way, it could work as a poignant plea for tighter border controls. So long as itâs done in a Nigerian accent. And a tribal costume.â | 1 | satire |
3,269 | Bob Geldof to extend Band Aid concept to Boomtown Rats singles
âItâs feckinâ genius,â said the singer/songwriter, speaking about the fourth successful release of âDonât They Know itâs Christmas?â in thirty years. âI canât believe it, surely theyâve cracked on to the date by now?â he asked before launching into his new project. âYou know, one of the reasons I stopped doing the Boomtown Rats was because writing songs is so feckinâ tedious, making words rhyme and stories that sorta make some sense,â he said, adding, âbut then I thought why donât I do a Band Aid thing with my old songs, change a lyric here, add a chord there, slip in Bono wherever I can?â Geldof hinted that âTell Me Why (I Donât Like Mondays)â was going to get the Band Aid treatment first. âItâs a feckin natural. Weâre going to start with Tuesday first, because thatâs really a none-day, isnât it? Weekâs under way, nothing special to look forward to, if anyone is going to go postal, surely Tuesdayâs the day. And what about Wednesday? Sure itâs close to half-past week, almost twenty-five to Friday and all that shit, but Christ, how depressing a day can you get?â Geldof went on to explain that âSheâs So Modernâ is probably âa load of crap now. âModern? Sheâs probably mid fifties, tights rolling down her legs, wearing three baggy cardigans, shopping in feckinâ Aldi and dripping wee unless sheâs stocked up on decent Tenaâs. And donât start me on Rat Trap â I mean thereâs mouse traps and bear traps,â he said, noting that he frequently gets requests to âshut my feckinâ trap. That could be a single too,â he said, scraping the barrel for a suitable Boomtown Rats song to adapt. | 1 | satire |
3,270 | Merchant Ivory release back catalogue in glorious 3D
Film-lovers from all around the UK, though mostly in the Home Counties, are abuzz this week with the re-release of every single Merchant Ivory film in spellbinding 3D, including classics like A Room With A View and The Remains Of The Day. When asked why he had gone 3D with 55 different period dramas, director James Ivory said: âI felt it was time to reach a younger audience, like people in their 70s. If you think another shot of Anthony Hopkins gazing wistfully out of a window onto an Edwardian lawn canât get any more exhilarating, wait until you see it in 3D. Honestly, it feels like you could reach out and stroke his croquet balls.â Ivory and his producer partner Ishmail Merchant first decided on the radical move about 20 years ago. âWe started with Howardâs End because we felt the understated, soporific Stoical interbellum estate drama really leant itself to the format. It turned out so well we just couldnât stop. We painfully converted every film frame-by-frame. The hardest part was all those shots of Emma Thompsonâs trembling lip. It made me feel very woozy and killed Ishmail outright.â There was a minor setback on the eve of the Surviving Picasso relaunch when Ivory realised his 3D process was obsolete and had to recall thousands of those plastic red/blue eyeglasses from cinemas. Ivory re-mortgaged his house and took hundreds of reels of film back into the editing room. âIt took twice as long this time, I just kept falling asleep. About halfway through Mr & Mrs Bridge, I actually went into a coma and only woke up at the end of Jefferson In Paris.â So far, the public response has been positive, with only one complaint from Barry Saunders, 82, from Watford, who was convinced he was about to get squashed by Denholm Elliotâs sideburns during a screening of A Room With A View, freaked out and drove his mobility scooter through the screen. Patrons are advised to check local cinemas for screening times, hearing loops, first aid and the cost of a cup of tea. Special discounts apply for care home excursions and stag parties. | 1 | satire |
3,271 | Hopes fading that WW1-related programming will be over by Christmas
Hopes that huge quantities of World War One-related programming might be over by Christmas have been quashed, with millions of casualties lying stunned by the sheer weight of daily battle coverage on sofas across Europe while broadcasters unveil their seemingly endless commemoration strategies. Huge stockpiles of programming have already been created for the foreseeable future, with initially enthusiastic viewers becoming depressed by the endless heavy gunfire added by the BBC Sound Effects department to grainy films of someoneâs great granddad. âThere has never been a more tragic waste of human life,â said Sam Smith. âIf I have to listen to another tragic soldierâs diary on Radio 4 or watch silent black and white archive of men cheerily smoking pipes and carrying stretchers with men cheerily smoking pipes on them, I may turn conscientious objector and not pay the licence fee.â Itâs understood that American programming top brass may enter the fray next year, with the possibility of Rupert Murdoch claiming he will win the ratings war. But BBC Senseless Warfare editor Brigadier Pat Smythe argued : âThis senseless conflict is a massive opportunity for broadcasters to create huge quantities of senseless programming. For four years weâll have to come up with fewer original ideas. As the conflict goes on, watch out for trench cookery shows, trench talent shows, Iâm a Celebrity Please Donât Shoot and endless repeats of no manâs land football highlights from Anderlecht. We cannot forget the fallen, and that includes the fallen asleep.â | 1 | satire |
3,272 | North Korea behind all one star reviews
In a state-sanctioned policy, North Korea has decided to undermine Western Civilisation by leaving âbitchyâ reviews for all media products. Having successfully forced Sony Pictures to delay the release of their movie âThe Interviewâ, North Korean hackers are set to turn their sights on undermining all we hold dear; such as the Twilight franchise, the novels of Dan Brown and the musical genius that is Justin Bieber. By trolling Amazon with âsnarkyâ customer reviews, Pyongyang officials have targeted bastions of directorial perspicacity like Michael Bay. With a series of grumpy comments, North Korea has unfairly reduced Bayâs âTransformersâ movies to: âA cacophonous blend of mind-numbing explosions, computer-generated nonsense and clumsy racial stereotypesâ. Which completely misrepresents a series of films which are subtle Edwardian dramas, exploring the bitter/sweet nature of the human condition through a series of metal groans and thuds. Of course, not every paltry âanonymousâ one star review can be blamed on North Korea, as James Cordenâs agent will confirm. One sceptical internet security expert explained: âThe lack of likes for your Facebook updates are not part of a global conspiracy, there is a genuine reason why no one reads your blog and Sony may have pulled that movie because it sucksâ. A spokesman for the CIA said: âWeâve conclusive proof that North Korea is besmirching otherwise flawless pieces of art. How else can you explain the negative critical reaction to Sonyâs âSmurfsâ. It cleared $700m worldwide; thereâs no way it was a just miniaturized version of that piece of sh@t Avatar.â To his own people the Supreme Leader is also known as the âOne Star Fairyâ, which is not a slight on his lack of military experience. In fact, the majority of negative online comments about âOne Directionâ albums can now be attributed to Kim Jong-Un, Taylor Swift and a 13-year-old from Slough. | 1 | satire |
3,273 | Tinky Winky to join Eastenders cast in desperate bid to boost ratings
The BBC has revealed that former Teletubbies favourite Tinky Winky is to join the cast of flagship soap opera Eastenders later this year. Critics have been calling for the Beeb to take action following a long term slump in viewing figures. âIâm sure itâs no coincidence that Mr Winky is a former CBeebies stalwart,â suggested The Guardianâs TV critic Andrew Collins. âMany younger viewers will have fond memories of him in classic Teletubbies episodes such as the one where they all roll down a hill and the one when they find a bouncy ball. The producers will be hoping that his loyal fans will all tune in to Eastenders to see more of the same and viewing figures will soar, assuming of course that the script writers are able to cope with the demands of these more challenging plot-lines.â Tinky Winky will play the new love interest for Ian Beale, simultaneously shocking the nation with a prominent gay storyline and confirming many of the rumours that dogged Tinkyâs early career. âPersonally I canât waitâ said Collins. âSome people have queried whether heâs up to delivering lines longer than âeh-ohâ and âagain, again, againâ, but to be honest, Phil Mitchell doesnât say a lot more than that does he.â The move could pave the way for further CBeebies characters to make the switch to Albert Square, with Iggle Piggle and Upsy Daisy from In the Night Garden already in talks to play the new alcoholic drug addict landlords of the Queen Vic, and Mr Tumble is set to join the cast as an East End bad boy unafraid to use his fists who sets up a protection racket to extort money from local businesses whilst seducing half the square. âIâve also heard a rumour that heâs going to force Dot Cotton into having a gruesome Christmas Day abortion after getting her pregnant on top of the driers in the launderette,â hinted Collins. PC Plum from Balamory is rumoured to be joining as the latest in a long line of long lost Mitchells, despite not being called Mitchell or being chronically depressed, and Bob the Builderâs agent has confirmed that he will be launching a bid to takeover the car lot from whoever the hell owns it at the moment and will probably be related in some way to someone currently in the show even though heâs never been mentioned before. Failing that he might be another new Sam Mitchell, or a miraculously recovered Jim Branning. âIf this plan doesnât work weâll just go on churning out the same old far-fetched depressing shit,â said a spokesman for the show. | 1 | satire |
3,274 | Public warned not to download naked photos of Steven Seagal
Fear has gripped online users who may have, in a furtive attempt to view intimate erotica of Jennifer Lawrence âbefore their family comes homeâ, inadvertently downloaded explicit images of Hollywoodâs favourite martial arts veteran, ironic Buddhist and poster-boy for Cuprinol®. Although a sprightly 62, most teenage boys or frustrated husbands would admit that Mr. Seagalâs squinty-eyed leer is not quite the same as a gyrating Kim Kardashian. As the FBI investigates the âiCloudâ celebrity picture leaks, they have taken the unprecedented steps to pixelate out Mr. Seagalâs genitals from raw footage of âUnder Siege 2â. A spokesman said: âWe take the hacking of celebrity accounts very seriously but of greater concern is that we could end up with Steven Seagal doing naked yoga lunges as a screen saverâ. Much of the confusion has been caused by a hyperlink named âbronzed arse on filmâ, which many assumed was a coded reference to a cavorting Miss Lawrence. Instead, once clicked, you are taken to gallery of ânaked Seagalsâ, with all but a 7th-dan black belt to cover his aging âman bitsâ. One browser expressed surprise over the security leak: âJust how many pornographic selfies do celebs own? Thatâs a hell of a lot of photos, if youâve filled your hard drive and you need to start storing the excess on a Cloud. Frankly, thatâs a lot of narcissism, pouting and whipped creamâ. Around twenty celebrities are alleged to have been hacked, but half of all web addresses lead back to Mr. Seagal ââ¦in his birthday suitâ. An agent for the âActor stroke Musicianâ said: âMr. Seagal is raising awareness of environmental issues by appearing stark bollock naked on your PC. You may be expecting to see Mary Elizabeth Winstead and her husband, but youâre much more likely to be concerned about the torture of baby elephants if youâre starring at something resembling a swinging, wrinkled, grey trunkâ. | 1 | satire |
3,275 | Forgotten Channel 4 Big Brother contestants finally released from captivity
Nine Big Brother contestants received an official apology from Channel 4 today, after being accidentally left in the Big Brother House since its last showing on the channel four years ago. Two stunned producers discovered the group, who had formed a primitive society around their Big Brother âGodâ, when returning to the showâs previous location in Borehamwood. âWe assumed that we had angered Big Brother in some way and were consequently a part of a never-ending task that the whole world was watchingâ, said one contestant Emma Davis, nervously cradling her two-year-old son who was born in the jacuzzi in the garden. âWe jokingly asked BB for booze and party food for the first few months but nothing appeared, so we began pleading and praying, hoping something would turn up. We assumed it was all part of the game to construct a rudimentary society and establish a brutal regime of trial by BB tasks.â âWe spent at least three-hours in the diary room everyday, pleading with our one-eyed ruler to ward off a second coming of Davina McCall, the demonic shampoo saleswoman who left us hereâ, added Emma, who worryingly named her child âBig Brotherâs Little Babyâ. Following on from the shocking discovery, a major search is now underway over at Channel 5, who purchased the rights to the once popular reality show. âWeâve received several worrying reports of celebrities disappearingâ, explained a Channel 5 spokesman. âThe likes of Frankie Cocozza, Keith Chegwin and Chico were all contestants in the house, but literally nobody has seen or heard from them sinceâ. | 1 | satire |
3,276 | State of emergency declared after the e-Bono virus hits Britain
An urgent public health warning has today been issued after a dangerous virus that was supposed to be someone elseâs problem arrived on Great Britainâs shores last night, having entered the country via a consignment of infected Apple devices. The virus is said to have already reached epidemic status. The BBC have reacted by broadcasting public service messages giving information on how to delete the âe-Bono virusâ from infected phones and iPods, though nothing can be done about alleviating the early-onset symptoms, which include ear infections, drowsiness, and âranting about Bonoâs wrap-around specsâ. There has already been one fatality reported in the UK, after the driver of a Range Rover was seen frantically stabbing at his iPod before losing control of his vehicle on the M11; the strains of âUnforgettable Fireâ clearly audible. Worse, other drivers caught up in the subsequent gridlock were then tempted to whip out their iPhones and post photos of the interminable tailbacks on social media. Many swiftly succumbed to infection. Other victims, showing later and more fatal symptoms of infection, have been caught wearing black leather trousers, making an issue of any âIrish connectionsâ, and talking in a dreamlike state about âThe Edgeâ. âThese people are often abandoned in the street by their distraught relatives,â an aide worker revealed. âWe donât know how this will end, but at least everyone has stopped banging on about bloody Scotland.â | 1 | satire |
3,277 | Man who sent back free The Sun football supplement âwill probably keep Sky TVâ
Political activist Andy Hutchinson feels he has emphatically demonstrated his opposition to the Rupert Murdoch empire and, in particular, The Sun newspaper, by returning the free World Cup football supplement posted through every British letterbox (except Liverpool) to the well publicised freepost address used by the publication. Hutchinson admitted, however, that his opposition to the Murdoch empire does not extend to other products such as his Sky TV and broadband package which, unlike the Sun, he admits to finding entertaining, informative, progressive, innovative and also quite reasonably good value for money. âWhen you live out in the sticks like I do, TV is the only way to stay in touch, and I quite enjoy watching football and golf at the weekends and downloading music and films. And Eamonn Holmes. Aahh! So I have reluctantly decided to stay subscribed to those services,â he said, but then dramatically turned around 180 degrees and added; âBut the scumbags who decided to foist this rubbish on every home in the country should be punished, especially after what they wrote about the people of Liverpool 25 years ago, so this gesture being undertaken by thousands of similar activists will cost Murdoch some serious money, and really make him think about what his disgusting organisation is up to.â Turning to the side, Mr Hutchinson continued; âIâm not just against Murdoch, I also hate fascist extremists such as Nigel Farage, so last month, like thousands of others, I sent a house brick to UKIPâs freepost address. Iâm glad I did it, but what really annoyed me was having to queue at the post office behind all those bloody immigrants who were posting their wages back home. Whoâs England is this?â he furiously asked. After a brief pause, he went back out to the post box to retrieve his copy of The Sun which he felt sure would give him the answer. | 1 | satire |
3,278 | Obama Announces Two-Year Golfing Trip
In response to the Republican takeover of the Senate, President Barack Obama has announced he will tour the country on a golfing trip until the end of his presidency. âIf this election has taught me one thing, itâs that Iâve grown deeply out of touch with the American people and what is going on in this country,â Obama said at a press conference as news poured in of Democratic losses. âTherefore, Iâve decided to leave the bubble of Washington and travel around this great country of ours, meeting with the people and getting back to my roots: as an avid golfer.â Obama has had much time to work on his golf game in recent months owing to Washingtonâs political gridlock, which has created the least productive Congress in U.S. history and has obstructed the appointment of several government posts including the Surgeon General, U.S. diplomats, and the federal judiciary. Republican leaders will likely continue this trend now that they have control of both the Senate and House of Representatives, thanks to their wins in the midterm elections and their stated ambitions to slow, block or repeal Obamaâs agenda. âI think itâs safe to say that absolutely nothing will get done in Washington for the next two years,â Obama said. âSo why waste my time and everyone elseâs time? Frankly, since 2012 Iâve just been spinning my wheels and keeping the seat warm for Hillary Clinton; therefore, Iâm outta here. See you all in 2017.â The president dismissed the idea his leadership will still be needed. âI donât need to be in the White House to order drone strikes or to have the NSA spy on Americans; I can do that through my iPhone app,â he said. âBesides, Vice President Biden is available if any big stuff like a war happens. He wants to be president anyway, so this will be good practice for him. I think heâll enjoy it.â Obama will be golfing solo or with friends such as Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, since none of his fellow Democratic Party golfers âresponded to my invite.â The president then cut the interview short, noting he had booked an afternoon tee time at Virginiaâs exclusive Creighton Farms golf course. From there, Obamaâs two-year trip will include visits to the countryâs most renowned golf courses, including Oakmont in Pennsylvania, Georgiaâs Augusta National, Sand Hills in Nebraska, Californiaâs Pebble Beach and Cypress Point, and Hawaiiâs Turtle Bay. In response to Obamaâs golf tour, the presumptive next Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced a bold political strategy. âIf Obama wants to play golf all day every day, then weâll find a way to stop him,â the Kentucky Republican said. âWe donât have a plan right now, but we got two years to come up with one.â | 1 | satire |
3,279 | Cameron calls for calm in the worsening Bake Off conflict
The UN is calling for air-strikes to intervene after Diana Beard, a 69 year-old WI activist from Shropshire, was filmed taking a bearded combatantâs ice-cream out of the freezer during the Great British Bake Off. âIt was only for 40 seconds or so,â she protested to UN observers. Billionaire Peace Envoy Tony Blair tweeted from the safety of his villa in Tuscany, â45 seconds is all it takes. We cannot stand idly by. #ToldYouSo #MyPlaceInHistory.â President Obama, in an unusually hawkish mood issued a statement stating that âAtrocities against baked Alaska are just unacceptableâ. More swiftly than usual he decisively did nothing. A congressman summed up a grim situation: âGreat Britain is a small country with most of its inhabitants forced into a narrow strip of land to the south facing the sea. The people have literally no-where to go, it is a siege.â The latest ceasefire lasted just four hours during filming today, after co-presenter Sue Perkins did one of her âquirky innuendoâ faces, driving an enraged contestant to fling a chocolate bombe with deadly precision, demolishing a stand on which some defenceless fairy cakes had been resting. It was reported that a BBC cameraman had to be treated for shock after capturing footage of Mary Berry sucking jam from her fingers as she savagely devoured one of the casualties. âThe carnage was terribleâ, stated a subdued Paul Hollywood. âHowever, I am here to judge cakes, not crumbs.â He shrugged dismissively, waving away a crying contestant who claimed to have âlost everythingâ in the last air strike. BBC film crews have since been âwalking on eggshellsâ in the warzone, wary of inflaming the situation while surrounded by nervous combatants who appeared to be stockpiling jagged rock cakes. David Cameron has called on all sides to remain calm and refrain from retaliating. He confirmed that âWhilst we have no boots on the ground, the SAS are levitating nearby on Operation Bingate, searching for the perpetrator of what is surely the worst atrocity of 2014. They have orders to slot the old lady on sight. The whole world is looking on and what we saw happen to that young manâs pudding frankly turned my stomach.â Meanwhile, conditions at the scene are said to be grim, with the indigenous population running perilously short on vital supplies such as flour, water, doilies and little silver sugar balls. | 1 | satire |
3,280 | Radiohead announce surprise release of new album âthree weeks agoâ
Hot on the heels of surprise new albums from U2 and Beyonce, the music world has again been rocked by news that Radiohead had released their tenth album online three weeks ago. Postmortemism came out to coincide with the thirteenth anniversary of 9/11 and was deleted the following day, before anyone could become aware of its existence. Lead singer Thom Yorke explained that the band were sick of âprostituting themselvesâ by bothering to tell people when they issued new music. Instead, the band flagged up the albumâs release by posting a series of cryptic five second animations on their website of aardvarks flossing their teeth. A luxury CD edition in a hand-chiselled sustainable-walnut digipack was also released, but was pulped after failing to sell a single copy. Both were available via a special Postmortemism web page âsomewhere on the internetâ for a full five or six hours, before the band âgave up hope of ever selling a copyâ and pulled the project. NME has hailed the release as âprobably a return to formâ, going on to praise the âplethora of esoteric musical and socio-political influences that are almost undoubtedly on display.â The band say they had no plans to tour the album, having already played a series of âlow keyâ dates in abandoned warehouses, farm buildings and disused Cornish tin mines. The tour was aborted after four dates when a passing janitor accidentally wandered into one show and witnessed a full thirty seconds of the groupâs performance. The band immediately declared the performance âartistically null and voidâ by the presence of an audience member and walked off stage. | 1 | satire |
3,281 | Rock world mourns the passing of Colin, the 5th Ramone
News has emerged that Colin, the little known 5th Ramone has died at his Chiswick home, aged 63. Colin, who was at the time a moderately successful draughtsman for a small architectsâ firm in Brentwood, joined the band in 1975 after meeting them at the infamous punk venue The Flob and Strangle. Initially, Joey and Tommy were reluctant to include the reedy timbre of the piano accordion to their fast paced shredded guitar sound, but after Colin bought several bottles of Jack Daniels, two ounces of prime Afghani resin, and several dozen pints of Worthington E for the band and their entourage, they finally relented. Delighted, Colin spent the last of his inheritance on a one way ticket to New York, and met the band at their Manhattan recording studio. Â Dee Dee Ramone took Colinâs portfolio of cutting edge punk rock songs arranged specifically for accordion and crumhorn, and agreed that the band would start to work on arrangements whilst Colin went to the liquor store to buy beer and whisky to keep them going for the three day recording session. By the time heâd returned, the band had chosen a dozen of Colinâs best songs to record, including âThe RAC took my baby awayâ, about the time Colinâs car broke down on the North Circular near Cricklewood, âSheena is a Financial Administratorâ, a song about a girl he had tried to ask out at a Christmas party some years earlier, âDo You Remember Big Band Radioâ, about Colinâs love for old timey music and âI Wanna Be Reinstatedâ; a song heâd written after being sacked from a previous job due to false accusations of stationary misappropriation. After numerous alcohol and fried chicken trips for Colin, the band announced that the recordings were complete and that he should return home while they went through the final mixing and added the occasional overdub. Â Without the expected funds from record sales, Colin pawned his accordion to buy a return ticket, glowing with pride at the great music theyâd made. He was also confident of all the attention heâd be getting from Sheena in accounts now that thousands of pounds would be pouring into his Midland bank account. The rest is of course history. The album was delayed for several years by a contractual argument between the band and their record company, and was eventually dropped in favour of later recordings as the punk era took firm hold of the music industry. Â Many of Colinâs songs did eventually emerge in the Ramones catalogue, albeit tweaked here and there to better fit into the sound of the New York punk scene. The rewrites did mean that royalties would have to be reduced somewhat, and the ongoing legal delays prevented the cheques from being issued as the band had wanted. Colin Ramone died last Tuesday while listening to a worn out vinyl version of Rocket to Russia, following complications from a chest condition caused by too much accordion playing. He leaves behind nothing. | 1 | satire |
3,282 | Bill Oddie âwill be nextâ, says massive cock
The world of 70â²s presenters was rocked again last night as details began to emerge of an undercover operation investigating a well-known âbird watcherâ. Bill Oddie, a once-popular comedian and childrenâs television presenter from the 1970s, is now thought to have a dark side. There have been accusations that Oddie liked to hide in the bushes, âsneaking up on birdsâ and staring at them intrusively. Indeed, Oddie has boasted of his exploits and openly admitted to âtwitchingâ while staring avidly through binoculars at his unwitting targets, some of whom were described as âsitting ducksâ. âIt is outrageous that this is still allowed to call us birds in this day and age,â complained one alleged victim, whose name has been withheld for legal reasons. âWe are hens or pens â although I hear he likes a nice cock too. I hope heâll be up before the beak before long, then heâll have to swallow his pride and will be made to âegret his fowl behaviour ⦠er ⦠um ⦠will this do?â Criminal charges are thought likely after fellow birding enthusiastsâ tweeted their outrage about Oddieâs âtitcamâ, which is now known to have beamed hardcore âpornithologicalâ videos into the homes of subscribers, many of whom have respectable jobs and family homes in the suburbs. Gratuitous reporting of Oddieâs frequent sightings of great tits, boobies and shags has outraged guardians of simple decency. Worse still, footage has even been broadcast by a complicit BBC showing Oddie creeping through the undergrowth stealthily, breathing hard and uttering such potentially incriminating double entendres as âCor! Look at these sweet fluffy chicks!â. In extreme examples, he has even shown evidence of an egg fetish and boasted of watching them âactually getting laidâ. \n | 1 | satire |
3,283 | BBC asks Google to âforget the 1970sâ
Bosses at the BBC have instructed the tech team at Google to âcompletely forget everything that happened in the 1970sâ, after the Internet search giant launched a service to allow Europeans to ask for information and personal data to be removed from online search results. âAs you can imagine, removing a decadeâs worth of data is quite a taskâ, said Google search analyst, Mike Simmons. âWeâre still removing information for them as we speak. As of now, any searches with the keywords âJimmy Savileâ will redirect users to results relating to ex-footballer Robbie Savage. Iâm not sure what Robbie will make of that, but itâs already been done nowâ. The European Union court ruling will now ensure that links to âirrelevant and outdated dataâ will be erased on request, as to protect the privacy of individuals and certain companies. âThe 1970s was ages ago, so that confirms that itâs outdated, plus the whole decade was completely irrelevant and nothing interesting happened whatsoeverâ, insisted BBC director-general, Tony Hall. âThe music was rubbish, hairstyles were crap and politics were badâ. When asked if the request to Google was to cover-up the wrongdoings of BBC employees from that era, Hall replied: âWhat BBC employees from that era? There werenât any. Try Googling it if you donât believe me, smart arseâ. âI for one think itâs a wonderful idea. Everybody should have the right to be completely forgotten online; itâs a basic human rightâ, said Mr. Harris, a retired Australian immigrant living in Berkshire. | 1 | satire |
3,284 | Thousands desert London as Andrew Lloyd Webber announces return of Cats and Evita
Thousands of Londoners have been filmed leaving the capital in fear for their musical sanity this week, as rumours surfaced that Andrew Lloyd Webber intends to carpet bomb the West End with âtheatrical turdsâ from the 1980s. Â Not since the Great Fire of 1666 have so many people abandoned their homes so readily. One eyewitness reported seeing a father of three throw his young daughters into the Thames rather than expose them to âDonât Cry For Me Argentinaâ. Refugees clutching tickets for âA Book of Mormonâ attest to being shell shocked at the news that such productions will be returning to Londonâs theatre land. Many fear that Webberâs planned attack on the city could mean that they will now be exposed to the next generation of Wayne Sleeps and Bonnie Langfords. One expert commented: âWhile Hitler may have bombed London 71 times in 267-days, Cats alone has bombed in front of over 50-million people worldwide. Something has to be doneâ. Â Children have been sent away from their families to either live in the countryside or at least stay with someone with season tickets to the Royal Court or National Theatres. The people of Coventry have already volunteered to âburn their cathedral to the groundâ if Cameron Mackintosh promises not to bring the shows north of the Watford Gap. The V-1 âdoodlebugâ bomb with its familiar strange tearing and rasping sound will be accurately replaced by Elaine Paige singing âMemoryâ. Cats itself will run for 12-weeks at the London Palladium, while the populace will run in any direction they can. One veteran remarked: âI didnât fight in a World War to have Nazis marching through the streets of London or people dressed in a cat unitardâ. | 1 | satire |
3,285 | DIY show does makeover for normal, healthy family
Viewers of a DIY makeover show were left a little bemused last night as they watched the transformation of a house occupied by a normal healthy family. John Thompson, 49, and his wife Debra and two children were the lucky recipients of some fairly costly renovations to their âtired-lookingâ home. âThe producers asked me on arrival if Iâd lost a child recently or if any of them were terminally ill, or disabled, or had Down Syndrome, spina bifida, meningitis, leukaemia, eating disorders, a colostomy bag or were being bullied or just ugly. My boy had tonsilitis a few years back but other than that everyone is fine,â said Mr Thompson. More questions were to follow such as was she planning to leave him or was he going to split from her? Had they lost a family pet? Was he recently made redundant or did some cowboy workers let him down? âNone of those things applied to meâ admitted John. âTo be honest, I really only applied because Iâm lazy and wanted to save money and get on TV.â The job went ahead anyway despite the lack of tragedy and heartbreaking undercurrent of sadness. They future-proofed the house by making it wheelchair accessible and put in a lift just in case any of the family became a paraplegic, lost a limb or went blind, which of course made the crew all emotional. Everyone was delighted with the reveal. The daughter gave it â11 out of 10â² and the son loved his rubber floor because no one else in Britain would have one in their bedroom. Mum, Debra, was delighted with the kitchen. Mr Thompson was equally enthusiastic about the transformation. âI can easily see why people fall in love with one coat of paint hastily put on top of wet plaster.â He has recently applied to another show to have his garden done by Britainâs favourite gardener but they want two doctors notes to confirm a family illness and a copy of the death certificate where necessary. | 1 | satire |
3,286 | Saying âCheryl Coleâ three times will kill you, confirms security firm
Cheryl José de la Concordia GarcÃa Márquez Ann Fernandez-Versini, or âColeyâ for short, has been identified as the UKâs âmost dangerous online celebrityâ. Not only do internet searches for the X Factor judge lead to malicious websites, but she has been known to âcaterwaulâ her songs via PC speakers, âbrandishâ a Stanley knife on the monitor and âclog upâ your keyboard by spilling Newcastle Brown Ale. Unsuspecting internet users have been warned not to speak her name for fear that she will appear behind them, armed with a hook and covered in bees. For those particularly at risk to aural abuse, âCheryl Cole Singingâ and âColeâs Greatest Hitsâ are some of the riskiest hyperlinks links on the web. According to McAfee, 15% of search results related to âCherylâ will result in electrical shocks, a deep sense of foreboding and ââ¦naked selfies of Louis Walsh.â Many claim that the threat of Cheryl Cole is just a scary urban myth, but those who have heard her recent single âI Donât Careâ beg to differ. Even hackers, who use celebrity names to hook online users, have admitted to a fear of anything connected with the Geordie crooner. One cyber-criminal confessed: âIâm not adverse to using the naked parts of Jennifer Lawrence and Tory MPâs to steal data; but I draw the line at exposing people to Girls Aloudâs back catalogue.â Having once been convicted of actual bodily harm in 2003, Cheryl has continued to assault our ears ever since. One IT expert confirmed: âThe two most common causes of people having to reset their passwords areâ¦one, having purchased a dodgy copy of Windows 10 from a guy down the pubâ¦and two, Cheryl Cole trying to remember her entire new surname when logging into her online bank.â | 1 | satire |
3,287 | Will Self claims he could have written Kate Bushâs songs â âonly betterââ
Having already dismissed George Orwellâs contributions to twentieth century literature, as âmediocreâ, Mr. Self has humbly explained why other artistic icons are not worthy to be considered a genius. To this end, the 6â² 5â³ Playboy journalist has announced his plans to tour with an album of his own compositions and prove that he is ââ¦the greatest female singer-songwriter of his generationâ. Author of nine novels and two pop-up books, Mr. Self has made very few forays into the music world but has explored enough drugs to ââ¦have written ten Sgt. Pepperâs!â In deconstructing the back catalogue of Kate Bush, Mr. Self was dismissive of her work: âAll you need to do is flail your arms around while wearing a leotard, making fatuous literary allusions. Well, Iâve been doing that last part for years. How hard can it be to find a unitard in my size?â While Kate Bush has garnered rave reviews for her current stage show and has eight albums in the Official UK Albums Chart simultaneously, only Mr. Self can claim to have made Ulrika Jonsson smile with a ââ¦terribly clever punâ. His agent confirmed. âBush is overrated. Her album covers are too obvious. Will is going down a much more artistic route. Something like Stingâs semi-naked photo â you know the one â him, holding a lute while his wife does yoga. Classy. None of that hippy-trippy stuff. A bit of culture. Will brews his own coffee, smokes a pipe and takes long meaningful walks. Heâs a proper musician. None of that dicking around with instrumentsâ. One Rock nâ Roll historian commented: âMs Bush has shunned publicity, while Mr. Self is an actual television personality â with gravitas, a sophisticated monotone and the face of Chris Langham. Youâre nobody unless youâre on a panel show. It was only a matter of time until he eclipsed all other artists. And heâs already penned a Bush homage â âThe Man with his Head up his Arseâ. | 1 | satire |
3,288 | Official singles chart to count high-pitched screamingâ
For the first time ever, alongside streaming services, teenagers emitting ultrasonic squeals of delight will be used in calculating album and singles sales.  Pant-wetting, fainting and âexcitement-induced faintingâ will also form part of a complicated algorithm designed to measure contemporary trends. No longer will music journalists have to consult with dogs as to which high-pitched noise belongs to Beliebers, Directioners or âa guy shepherding sheepâ. While tinnitus remains the industry-standard format with which to experience the Top 40, many see the acceptance of screams as an important step in acknowledging the popularity of more obscure tunes. Bastilleâs song Pompeii would have been No.1 if screaming data were available, while the news that âHarry Styles is lushâ would have dominated the charts had screaming been added to the total. Other types of screamed feedback are all expected to make an impact on future sales â such as our response to the dentistâs drill, things that go bump in the night and ââ¦seeing our parents having sexâ. Trying to calculate the enthusiasm of a fanbase will require close monitoring to ensure screams do not get confused with other high-pitched sounds â as Dolphins, for instance, have for a long time been lobbying for Barry Manilow to make a comeback. Likewise screams generated by having ice cubes dropped down your shorts will not count towards single sales; neither will roller coaster rides, paper cuts or waking up next to Ed Miliband. However, some scientists are concerned that âscreams of frustrationâ rather than joy could propel certain songs up the chart. One audio technician explained: âListening to Gary Barlow can sometimes mimic the feeling you have when a pocket tissue enters your laundry cycle and covers everything in lint. Itâs a cause of annoyance not happiness. Just like Robin Thicke is the music equivalent of not being able to look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you donât know how to spell it. It just makes you want to screamâ. | 1 | satire |
3,289 | Dartmouth Expels White Student For Wearing Sombrero
Dartmouth College has expelled a white student for wearing a sombrero to a Cinco de Mayo party. According to a statement released today by the university, sophomore Ashley Ryan, 20, was thrown out of the Ivy League school for âracial aggressionâ after a student of Mexican heritage complained that her use of Mexicoâs traditional wide-brimmed hat was culturally insensitive. âIt was just a normal sombrero,â Ryan says. âIt wasn't even mine. Some guy gave to me and said I looked cute in it. I was wearing it for maybe like two or three hours max. âI was called into the deanâs office this morning. I didnât know what to expect. I thought it maybe had something to do with the amount of alcohol I drank that night. âThe dean said I was trying to make fun of Mexican culture or something. But I wasnât doing that at all. I was just trying to have a good time. I donât know what Iâm going to do now. I guess Iâll have to transfer. This really sucks. It was just a party. â Dartmouth College is one of America's most prestigious universities, with notable alumni including Daniel Webster, Robert Reich, Hank Paulson, Tim Geithner, Nelson A. Rockefeller and Aisha Tyler. In recent months, however, it has become more well known for the poor quality of its administration than the high quality of its academics. In April, for example, the administration banned a sorority from using the word "fiesta" at charity fundraiser, the latest in a long line of decisions that many criticize as political correctness run amok. The attention Dartmouth gives to policing its students' speech for racial sensitivity seems especially odd given the university's poor track record in policing sexual assaults on campus. Several recent high-profile sexual assaults led to a 14 percent drop in applications last year. And the college is also one of dozens of schools under federal investigation for its handling of sex crimes cases. Yet in an exclusive interview the school's dean defends it decision to expel Ryan and says the college's priorities are in the right place. âHere at Dartmouth we try to foster an environment of diversity and tolerance,â says Vernon Warner. "And thatâs why we simply couldn't tolerate the sort of ethnic intimidation that Ms. Ryan was engaged in. "Wearing a sombrero on Cinco de Mayo is no different than what Hitler did to the Jews. It's wildly inappropriate, and frankly I don't know why this idiot thought she could get away with it. "Not only are we expelling Ms. Ryan, we're referring this case to the local prosecutor's office as a potential hate crime. This woman raped a nation's cultural heritage. Is there any worse kind of rape? Frankly I hope she spends a few years behind bars." | 1 | satire |
3,290 | âGodzilla vs Romanianâ movie in the pipeline
With a resurgence in fears of both Godzilla and Romanians, British filmmakers have discussed another possible reboot of the Godzilla movie franchise by pitting the Japanese monster against a Romanian immigrant. British filmmaker Miles Cumbridge said he would take the amphibious reptilian monster known for destroying cities, and then pair him up against Godzilla in a thrilling blockbuster action movie. âThereâs nothing set in stone yet,â said Cumbridge, âbut we envision a Romanian moving near Godzillaâs home somewhere along the Pacific Ocean, and just being up to no good in general. The audience is not quite sure what heâs up to, but certainly not buying his nice neighbourly manner either!â âRomanians are a new breed of destructive monsters,â he explained. âTheyâre these blood-sucking, shape-shifting, moving-next-dooring creatures that inhabit the streets and are hell-bent on the destruction of middle-class neighbourhoods. They also have this supernatural power of being lazy benefit scroungers but at the same time manage to take jobs off hard-working Brits. So Godzilla will really have met his match in this particular film.â Cumbridge first made the comparison while hearing Romanians speaking in their native language on the bus, and believed it had a striking resemblance of the infamous Godzilla roar. âAt first I brushed this off as a mere coincidence. But then again, while having a quiet pint down the pub a Romanian working there walked by and caused a ripple in my lager, like the famous rippling water scene in Jurassic Park. It was then that I thought to myself: if someone doesnât make a monster movie out of this, I bloody well will!â Movies have already been made of Godzilla fighting other monsters such as King Kong, Zilla and The Sea Monster, but has never yet fought against something as frightening as an Eastern European armed with an EU passport. âBut being a giant radioactive lizard Godzilla will have an advantage against fighting a Romanian,â Cumbridge added. âThe Romanian canât nick any of his money because he doesnât have any pockets.â | 1 | satire |
3,291 | âThe only way is Essexâ confirms Farage
âThe people have spoken, and we have heard their voices loud and clear,â said Nigel Farage on the phone after the stunning UKIP victory by Douglas Carswell in the by-election in Clacton on Sea, Essex, before saying; âYeah, see you later, babeâ, hanging up his mobile, downing a couple more pints for courage and planning his next trip to try it on with another easily obtainable bimbo, anywhere else. âIâll really miss you Dougie,â a politically active constituent had said, as her MP considered leaving his party and starting a new relationship with another party who hadnât yet had anything to do wiv that âbrazen Lib Dem slutâ, but she neednât have worried as he did come back, more of a man than ever before. âI ainât gonna change, babe, Iâll just be more like the guy you always wanted me to be. It doesnât matter that youâve been seeing too much of Iqbal from the corner shop, Iâll always be there for ya, yeah?â replied Douglas, the now UKIP MP for Clacton, with the sort of cheeky, sparkly wink in his eye which seems to make the local women work a bit harder and more flirtatiously in the hope of having their problems aired in the house of commons. âThe future of the people of the United Kingdom lies in the hands of the brilliant people of Essex, with their traditional values of wealth creation, self-empowerment, false tits, hair gel and very thick make-up,â said Farage, before admitting off camera that anyone in England who needed to cover their face in paint and was disappointed with the best mammary glands English genes could provide ought to be ashamed of themselves and leave right now. Farage is now honing his accent for the challenge of a saucy UKIP campaign in the north of England, where he hopes seductive talk about pies may âpay outâ. Itâs a challenge he feels willing to undertake despite the possibility of leaving many broken hearts and a few unpaid bar tabs in his wake. But political commentators are certain that politics will never be the same again and are sitting at the end of their phones lines, idolising, waiting, after Nigel told them; âLove you, bit busy right now so donât call me, yeah? Iâll call you later.â After he was certain the phone line had gone dead, Farage turned to his new bezzie mate Dougie. They caught each otherâs eye, laughed out loud, calmed down, sighed and simultaneously muttered: âSuckers!â | 1 | satire |
3,292 | BBC to mixânâmatch old stories with new
Following the success of its website, which takes visitors to old news items as if they were recent events, the BBC has decided to randomise all news coverage, with old events appearing alongside new. âThe BBC believes in challenging itselfâ, a spokesman said. âThe licence-fee payer deserves a service which is distinct from that offered by other news outlets â CNN, Al Jazeera etc. One question we asked was : why does news have to be so new? Whatâs wrong with classic news? âThe result is a sea-change in our style of reporting. If viewers or listeners just want to know about things which are happening now, they can switch to commercial radio or television. With the BBC they will hear about present events and past events at the same time. Weâre planning an exciting series of vox pop interviews about the sinking of the Titanic, followed by âliveâ coverage of its launch. âThe possibilities are endless. The fall of Singapore, that cat being run over by a fire wagon, Jimmy Savileâs OBE. Taking events out of sequence puts a completely fresh slant on what we mean by âcurrent affairsâ. Our guiding principle will be âno hindsightâ. So, for example, coverage of every England football match since 1966 will be optimistic and dismissive of other nations. âOur racing tipsters are particularly excited about the prospect of getting it right occasionally. The next step will be reporting of future events. This might need a bigger licence feeâ. | 1 | satire |
3,293 | Reality TV needs to be more inclusive for Eton & Oxbridge graduates
A Social Mobility Commission study has discovered that those who really run the UK are woefully under-represented on the only thing that matters to the British public â Talent Shows. As a new season of the X Factor begins on Saturday, Simon Cowell has been forced to admit that very few senior diplomats, civil servants or âpeople like Steve Brooksteinâ will be appearing on the programme. While small elites, educated at independent schools, still dominate the business and political world, they are being excluded from trying to pronounce Cheryl Coleâs new surname. A Child Poverty spokeswoman said: âAn infant born to millionaire parents, regardless of ability, can expect to run a major corporation or political party but they will never get the chance to meet Ant & Dec. This is wrong. Itâs just wrong. Social mobility should be for everyone, not just the Shanes and Chers of the world.â Even though the majority of senior journalists endorse their privileged upbringing on a daily basis, nothing sways public opinion like a ââ¦singerâs sob story about a dead grandparentâ. One senior armed forces officer complained: âYou can not ask the question â has Britain Got Talent â without proportionately representing those in power. My family have owned 17% of West Sussex since we invaded in 1066; this should at least get me to the quarter finals of the X factor! Whatâs Chico got that a Viscount hasnât?â A leading sociologist commented: âIf anything, the talent show format â of taking a moderately-talented under-achiever and then imbuing them with great wealth and power â should be the perfect vehicle for Etonâs boys. Weâll never have a fair society until High Court Judges are judged by Louis Walsh.â | 1 | satire |
3,294 | Threat of Dolly Parton and Metallica fails to put off mud enthusiasts
Fans of unsanitary fields of muck descended on Worthy Farm in their thousands today for the annual Glastonbury Festival, uninhibited by gloomy forecasts of performances by Dolly Parton, Lily Allen, Arcade Fire and Metallica. The Glastonbury Festival has long been the premier destination for aficionados of mud, and those who just want to âopen their mindsâ to new and challenging types of flooding. This yearâs festival promises a stellar line-up of waterlogged fields, fetid toilets and poor amenities.  However, forecasters have predicted spates of shoegazing indie rock, unmitigating showers of experimental electronica, and a deluge of country & western scheduled for Sunday night. Revellers have also been warned to come prepared for outbursts of circus skills, poetry, theatre and comedy. Organisers are hoping to avoid repeats of the 2013 festival, in which the heavens closed and festival-goers were forced to endure fair, sunny conditions with little respite from The Rolling Stones, and the 2011 festival, when a wave of flash rapping left parts of the site entirely engulfed in F-words. âItâs all part of the Glastonbury experienceâ, said one reveller preparing for the long weekend in Somerset. âYou hope for the best, but everyone knows thereâs always the risk of indie.â He added: âIf it happens, you just have to make the most of it and enjoy the effluent slurry regardless.â | 1 | satire |
3,295 | 1D-Day celebrations commemorate the death of music
Veterans, historians and girls with retainers are united today in marking 1D-Day a day of remembrance for âour boysâ struggle to overcome lacklustre hair, no musical ability and the Nazi occupation of France. Former groupies, internet trolls and serving members of the armed forces all paid their respect for the loss of melodies, the death of legible tattoos and remembered just how many ears had paid the ultimate sacrifice. One Directionâs assault on mainland Europe back in 2010 was codenamed Operation Make a Quick Buck Before One of Us Starts Looking Fat. A spokesman for the Queen said: âIt is important that we take this time to reflect upon the smell of Harry Styles, the kissableness of Harry Styles and the manner in which Mr Styles will become the father of my child. A solitary bugle is scheduled to play a short tribute to the hits of One Direction, which will be an extended rasping noise not dissimilar to blowing through the arse of a mallard duck ⦠oh and something else 70 years ago, blah blah blah.â In the months leading up to the invasion General Simon Cowell conducted a series of musical deceptions, codename âLonely Cat Ladyâ, to mislead the press as to his true intentions. This involved floating Susan Boyle off the coast of Normandy, to give the impression that something much more tuneful was coming their way. It was quickly followed by a full-on chart assault, supplemented by an extensive airwave bombardment and a shitstorm on Twitter. One Direction managed to survive heavy fire from rock fans but there were some inevitable casualties among balding, middle-aged men called Steve Brookstein. The fourth annual commemoration of 1D-Day will see teenagers throwing underwear at a series of memorial statues dedicated to the themes of simplistic chord structures, low self-esteem and âall things 1Derfulâ. As one military historian explained: âTo put things into perspective â 12,000 allied servicemen died in Normandy 70 years ago but Harry had some nasty split ends when 1D first formed. We need to remember â thanks to One Direction, young Europeans can grow up without the threat of German Thrash Metal. So letâs roll a big fat one and move on.â | 1 | satire |
3,296 | New âDadâs Armyâ cast ill-prepared for Ebola storyline
Scriptwriter Hamish McColl has been told that he needs to ârebootâ his big-screen remake of the 70âs sitcom, in a way that reflects the perils of modern warfare. To this end, Captain Mainwaring and his merry band of aged warriors will not only have to confront the threat of Nazi invasion, but will be involved in story lines related to international terrorism, defence spending cuts and a pandemic of haemorrhagic fever â when clearly ââ¦they donât like it up emâ. Set in the fictional seaside town of Walmington-on-Sea, realism will kick in when these part-time soldiers have to contend with only two-thirds of a platoon, to reflect the UK shortfall in the number of Army Reservists it actually needs. Yet despite this Hollywood makeover, âDadâs Armyâ will still retain its signature tune: âWho do you think you are kidding, Mr Assad/Hussain/BinLaden/Oh⦠whoever you are⦠basically, anyone in the vicinity of oil â with an accentâ. Leaked scenes include Toby Jones, as Mainwaring, yelling âYou stupid boy!â as Private Frank Pike inadvertently unleashes a drone strike on a group of unsuspecting goat herders. Bill Paterson, as Private Frazer, is heard to reply âWeâre doomedâ in response to the threat of weapons of mass destruction; a recognition of the phrase made famous by Tony Blair in 2002. Other key changes include Corporal Jonesâ catchphrase of âDonât Panicâ; which has been replaced with a less pithy 25 page UN declaration. âHow these elderly soldiers will actually deal with being air-dropped into Sierra Leone to help fight the Ebola outbreak is yet to be decided,â said Mr McColl, âHowever, thereâll be lots of slapstick, class humour and jokes about Germans, to tie in with the UKâs current defence policy⦠of slapstick, class humour and jokes about Germans.â | 1 | satire |
3,297 | Raid at Sir Cliff Richardâs house found âdisturbing calendar imagesâ
Officers tasked with investigating 73-year-old pop icon Sir Cliff Richard have removed several âinappropriate imagesâ during a house raid in Berkshire on Thursday, Thames Valley Police have revealed. Itâs been reported that over fifty prospective images for a planned 2015 calendar were discovered on hard-drives and mobile phone devices during the dawn bust, some of which have already been classed as âCategory Aâ and âtotally grossâ. âVulnerable and unloved middle-aged housewives up and down the country would not have stood a chance, had these images got out thereâ, stressed attending officer PC Briggs, who assisted the Thames Valley force. He continued: âIt looks as though we arrived just at the right time. We found some sample recordings for a potential comeback album too. Now if they got out there, God only knows how many lives and Christmas Days would have been ruined â itâs just not worth thinking aboutâ. Sir Cliff, currently holidaying in Barbados, said: âThese images were never intended to be released. They were for personal use only, and no harm was intended when they were taken. Iâm more than happy to never take any again and just continue my usual form of abuse, namely audio abuse, which will continue as normal next year at Wimbledon, and in your car when youâre stuck in traffic and the bastard radio wonât switch off.â Sergeant Denis Cooper, who led the raid, said: âAs you can imagine, some officers have been offered the best counselling available. They are trained for this sort of stuff, but there isnât much that can prepare you for viewing an image of a shirtless Cliff Richard gyrating around a Christmas tree, which was just one of many unspeakably awful images we found in a folder labelled âDecember Collectionâ.â He added: âOne officer, who is a close friend of mine, was the first to view some of Cliffâs sample images for April 2015, crudely entitled âHot Cross Bunsâ. I donât know what it was that he saw, but heâs not spoken to anyone since. He was just two days away from retirement.â | 1 | satire |
3,298 | Critically acclaimed street performer actually âpissed angry dosserâ, says Fringe
Fringe Festival organisers have confirmed today that a man who has been delighting tourists on Edinburghâs High Street is not an âartsy street performerâ, but actually a local homeless man with alcohol issues and an aggressive personality disorder. The clarification comes after the Guardian gave the man, known locally as âMad Davieâ, a five-star review. âStreet theatre doesnât get any better than thisâ, claimed critic Fenton Barnes in the misguided and widely-read review. âThe boorishness of Mad Davieâs performance is a wonderful counterpoint to all that is going on around him â in Mad Davieâs hands being told to âeff off back where ye come fromâ â is truly exhilarating. It continued: âHis stream of phlegm speckled invective is interrupted only by his harrowing pleas for cash before we are engulfed once more in a tidal wave of four-letter opprobrium. Has first world hypocrisy ever been more starkly exposed than this?â Visiting English couple John and Helen Brookes sought out âMad Davieâ on the strength of the Guardian review. âWe felt a bit foolish when we found out that he is just a local drunk, especially after we gave him £20 for his âperformanceâ, said Helen. âThat said, paying twenty quid to have an alcoholic psychopath screaming abuse in your face for five minutes is still better value than the American improv group we saw last nightâ. A spokesman for the Fringe said: âMad Davie isnât street theatre; heâs here all year. If the Guardian like that sort of thing they should have been here in January when he was pissing up against our office window at nine oâclock on a Tuesday morning, threatening to kick our heads in. That really was âtruly exhilaratingâ. | 1 | satire |
3,299 | Vulgaria shocked at Child Catcher abuse allegations
Since the sudden death last week of Vulgariaâs much revered celebrity, The Child Catcher (real name Charles Catcher OVE), national mourning has turned to disbelief as newspapers have been inundated with revelations of serial child cruelty, sadism and even abduction. âWe all thought the giant butterfly net to be just a cheeky affectation,â a villager said. âYou would see him riding out of town with a new child harvest in the back of his wagon. Nobody minded because he was in showbiz.â Another told us: âThe power of celebrity just seemed to make him bullet-proof. The locals would bring their kids out to have a ride in his cage. You would hear the odd rumour of missing children, but whenever police went to check it out, they returned from his grotto under the Castle Bomburst completely satisfied.â Catcherâs expressed interest in children led to him being given the keys to the local orphanage, and he was also chosen to present a public service film in which he is seen warning a group of kids about the dangers of men with lollypops attached to their fingers. The only person who seemed to know the truth was the local toymaker, though his claims were thought to be implausible, the backlash leading him to being chased out of town at high speed. In a televised statement, the Chancellor of Vulgaria said: âAt this tragic time we must thing of the childers, so easily easily manipulade under the nosey. These allegations make me drenchy-tear in the eyebode. Oh, deep folly.â | 1 | satire |
Subsets and Splits