Input: I don't know what to do about my son's lying

Instruction: My son stole my debit card and lied about it. It's not the first time he has lied. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should punish him or make him do something. I've tried talking to him and asking if anything was wrong. I have grounded him, but nothing works. What should I do?

Output: A lot depends on the age of your child, but given that it was a mis-used debit card, I am going to guess he's a teen?  Assuming that, there are a couple of important things to keep in mind...1.  That he lied about the misuse indicates he knows he was in the wrong.  That's a dreadful feeling - getting caught out- and an impulsive lie may have popped out of his mouth before he thought it through (after all a debit spend is pretty easy to track).  2. Once he lied he stuck with the lie.    Somewhere along the line, even though he knew that you knew he wasn't telling the truth, he stuck with his story.  And as you said, it's not the first time he lied.  Now it looks like a habit has formed.Going forward, when there is a dishonest act of any kind, it's essential that you set it up so your son can be truthful.  Simply put, do not ask questions.  If you know for certain that he has, for example, misused your debit card, say so.  Asking "did you" invites him to get creative with denial; asking "why did you" implies that, with a good enough reason, he might not be in hot water with you.  Instead, say what is:  "I see this charge on my debit card and realize you used it without my permission".  (You can only do this if you know for sure it was him but it sounds like you do).  If he meets with denial, stay calm, restate that you are aware this happened.  Then deliver consequences that match the transgression (he has to return the item if it's returnable or find a way to pay you back for the charge as well as any fees incurred in using it).  Make it harder to find your card because he isn't that great at curbing the impulse to use it yet.And most importantly, once the consequence is delivered you have to let it go.  Continuing to bring it up won't benefit him, but it does have the potential to make him more sneaky.  Every time he asks respectfully to use it, whether you allow him to or not, be sure to praise him for asking nicely.  "Catch" him doing it right as often as possible.Hang in there - this isn't super unusual behavior but it isn't acceptable, so address it but don't let yourself get too wound up about it.


Input: I don't know what to do about my son's lying

Instruction: My son stole my debit card and lied about it. It's not the first time he has lied. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should punish him or make him do something. I've tried talking to him and asking if anything was wrong. I have grounded him, but nothing works. What should I do?

Output: Hi Enid, You sound like a sensitive parent; I like that you talked to your son to see if anything is wrong. There is some key information here (I don't know your son's age, whether he spent any money, whether he put the card back, or how many times he's stolen), and my answer might be different depending on those details, but I'll give you my thoughts.I see it as every child's job to figure out the rules and find where their power is in the world. In order to accomplish that, many of them test limits. "What can I get away with?" is a question they have to find the answer to. If a child knows the rules, they're much more likely to not test limits (because they already know the limits). So, part of testing limits is experimenting with stealing and lying. Not all kids steal, but I would say pretty much every child lies at some point. It's a normal behaviour, and most of the time it's about small things that don't matter and we don't even find out. Stealing a debit card is a bit more serious, and I'm not surprised he lied about it. If you absolutely know that he took it, it's okay to tell him that you believe he did this thing and also lied about it. It's appropriate to give a consequence for this type of behaviour, so that the child doesn't do it again. The consequence should be as natural and logical as possible. The behaviour (stealing) was harmful to you, so doing you a favour with extra chores might be a good idea. It's funny, because as parents we try to tell our kids that lying is bad, but they know they'll get a consequence if they tell the truth so there are natural deterrents to being honest (we don't want people to know our mistakes). It's a dilemma. If you really want to focus on the lying part, you can tell him that you won't give him a consequence for the lying if he decides to come clean with the truth within one day. That gives him incentive to come to you with truth. It sometimes works with kids to give them a chance to come clean and then reward them for telling the truth. You can set your child up for success and train them to tolerate honesty. Put a cookie on the counter. Tell your child to take the cookie at some point in the day. Then ask them later if they took the cookie. You're making honesty fun. Kids love games. Basically, there's as much power in rewarding the positive behaviour as punishing the negative. If this is the first serious offence for your son, don't make a big deal of it; consequence him and see if he learns. If it's a pattern, that's different and you may want the input of a therapist.


Input: I'm concerned about my 12 year old daughter

Instruction: I'm concerned about My 12 year old daughter.    About a month or two ago she started walking on her toes, as well as coloring and writing very messy. This all happened very suddenly. She has never walked on her tiptoes and has always colored and written very neatly.    Is this something I should be concerned abou? Any advice will help.

Output: It is great that you are noticing these changes with your daughter. I can’t offer advice without knowing much more about your particular situation but some things to think about:Has something else happen recently that has been stressful, upsetting?Is your daughter trying to communicate something to you and if so what might that be?Have you discussed these recent changes with her? (Without being too serious or accusatory)There is so much changing for her (and you) now-communication and connection are crucial. I hope you both can talk to a supportive person about all these changes.


Input: I'm concerned about my 12 year old daughter

Instruction: I'm concerned about My 12 year old daughter.    About a month or two ago she started walking on her toes, as well as coloring and writing very messy. This all happened very suddenly. She has never walked on her tiptoes and has always colored and written very neatly.    Is this something I should be concerned abou? Any advice will help.

Output: Have you asked your daughter why she's doing the behaviors you describe?Often the best way to find out why someone does something is to simply ask them their reason.Her answer will give you some guidance as to next possible steps.If she's pretending to be a fantasy figure or trying to find out how being taller feels, or walking on high heels or some other image then knowing this rules out that she has some unbearable pain in her arch which may require more practical answers such as new shoes or even indicate a medical problem.Ask if she's noticed any change in the way she walks.   Maybe she doesn't know she's doing this and maybe she feels embarrassed to tell you she's doing something a bit odd.Since usually 12 year olds don't color, is it new that she started coloring?Maybe given the fact of messy handwriting, she's in a phase of pretending or reflecting on good times as a young child.Then this becomes the topic of examination.Does she feel insecure about being on the cusp of adolescence?Some of these questions can be asked directly and some are for you to first decide based on what you know of your daughter, which questions and what direction to take in understanding your daughter's motivation.


Input: Is it normal to dislike one child?

Instruction: I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?

Output: This is your experience, your feeling and you are wondering if it is normal, which means is this common or the rule. This question about how you feel about your third child leads me to believe you are dis- turbed [etymology: agitated or stirred up].  Feelings are messages from our soul or spirit that something is not right.  So, though  it might be normal [common, the rule]  to look forward to a one year olds nap time when you have a three year old a nine year old, the dis- turbance or stirring up in you, is important and requires your attention, your listening, if you will to your higher self.


Input: Is it normal to dislike one child?

Instruction: I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?

Output: This is a common response parents can have.  There are many reasons for attachment disruption.   But attachment is  important for the child as well as your long term relationship with them.    I would want to know more about the history of the child and any stressors you have gone through during the child's lifetime.  Often if there is stress parents will not have the time or energy to attach well to the child.  Sometimes the energy of the child and the parent are mismatched as well.  But whatever is at the core this is something that can be addressed in counseling.  The earlier the better because adult relationships are based on parental relationships we had as children.  Therapy can start at age 3 to address these types of issues.  Visit staceybshapiro.com for more information about getting started.


Input: Is it normal to dislike one child?

Instruction: I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?

Output: Congrats on being honest about the way you feel!Many people state having a favorite child so the reverse would also be possible, of having a least favorite child.Try to understand your own reasons for not liking your youngest child as much as the others.One point to consider is whether it is the child' personality or the way they interact with you which gives you the feeling of not liking this child as much as the others, or does the reason have more to do with younger children requiring more care?Also, do you generally prefer older kids to younger ones?   It is possible the problem will go away as your youngest grows older.Is there another parent in the household who can make up for what you feel unable to naturally give to your youngest?Is it possible you feel your own need to be involved with activities or to have time on your own?   Maybe you simply need a break from constant mothering.Continue to give as much as possible to your youngest child.


Input: How do I kick my stepdaughter out of our house because she isn't honoring boundaries set for her?

Instruction: She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.

Output: Well, first let's identify what factors are involved in the situation about which you wrote.Are you the only decision maker regarding your stepdaughter living with you?Is her dad, and your partner, living under the same roof?Would you feel any obligation to consult with your husband about his opinion and his way of handling the situation?Have you talked with your stepdaughter about your observation and your reaction to the fact of her not honoring your boundaries?Consider too that there will be an effect on the toddler, your grandchild, if you kick out your daughter.Is your daughter financially ready to live on her own and support herself and her child?You certainly have the right to define the terms of what goes on under your roof.It is only fair to everyone that as many variables as possible, be considered.The conclusion may be that it is in everyone's best interest for your stepdaughter to move out.If everyone feels respected and a well thought out plan is developed, then the least amount of hurt and stress, and the most amount of happiness, will be possible from this change.


Input: How do I kick my stepdaughter out of our house because she isn't honoring boundaries set for her?

Instruction: She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.

Output: This is something you will have to discuss with your husband.  It should be a joint decision if you value your marriage.  You can mention your frustration about your stepdaughter not honoring boundaries.  After you talk to your husband you both can have a talk with your stepdaughter about expectations in order to stay living in the house.  When it comes to stepchildren you need to be very careful you do not take the lead on the authority part.  It should be the biological parent.


Input: How do I kick my stepdaughter out of our house because she isn't honoring boundaries set for her?

Instruction: She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.

Output: It may be helpful to first have a discussion about what you are expecting and put a timeframe on it that if she is not doing certain things by a certain date, she will have to leave. If you don't know where she can go, there is probably a list of shelters for the county that you live in.


Input: How do I address my nephew's sexual behavior?

Instruction: My step nephew, a preteen, has begun masturbating. I also had to take away the internet because he was caught looking up porn. I’m worried about him.

Output: Your nephew's behavior sounds normal and developmentally appropriate.  Masturbation is a healthy expression of sexuality.  Most families to create some rules about where it's ok to masturbate-- for example, stating that it should be done in the privacy of the child's own room.  I'm wondering if you or another adult in his life have talked to him about his developing sexuality?  It seems like that would help him and you handle his increasing maturity.


Input: How do I help my 5 year old from horrible tantrums caused by a bully at school?

Instruction: We have tried gentle talking, counting to calm her and talking about it, sending her to her room and then trying to talk when she’s calmer, and now calisthenics. However, nothing is working.

Output: There's two things this post relays - one, which I'm sure you've already looked into - is working with the school to address this problem. Sure, sometimes kids don't get along, but most schools look at bullying seriously, and this sounds serious. The other, though, is additional tools to consider to help your daughter. If you haven't already read Greene's Explosive Child, you might give it a shot. While it's a little preachy, many of the tools are wonderful and can help parents navigate tantrums. https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451 Another tool that can redirect a child that's losing it is a task. If her tantrums, say, involve throwing things, maybe she's in charge of throwing all the sticks and acorns off the driveway into the garbage bin. Ie: 'Hey Jenny, you seem really angry right now, let's use all that energy and get some work done!' Go with her, throw with her, even - if possible - making a game out of getting the acorns into the bin from a distance. I wish you all the best~


Input: I feel stuck in life. What can I do?

Instruction: I am in my 30s with 2 kids and no job and I'm behind on the bills. I've been trying everything with no results. I feel like everyone else puts their needs in front on mine. I give intil it hurts and I'm afraid that I'm going to fail my babies    I've been struggling for 5 yrs in a relationship with no communication and no alone time. How can I get some support?

Output: Financial stability is probably a good place to start your new life project.If your partner doesn't work or doesn't contribute his money to the household bills, then maybe you are eligible  for some type of stipend from the government.Especially since you have kids the child welfare service may intervene to help you.  Sometimes too, a partner who is unwilling to pay for their kids' wellbeing may be pressured by child welfare to make regular contributions to you and your kids.I''m glad you are thinking of your needs and those of your kids.  This is the philosophy which will show you what road to follow so all three of you are in a secure financial place.


Input: I feel stuck in life. What can I do?

Instruction: I am in my 30s with 2 kids and no job and I'm behind on the bills. I've been trying everything with no results. I feel like everyone else puts their needs in front on mine. I give intil it hurts and I'm afraid that I'm going to fail my babies    I've been struggling for 5 yrs in a relationship with no communication and no alone time. How can I get some support?

Output: I would want to know where do you put your needs? Often times we show people how to treat us based on how we treat ourselves. First identify how to practice good self care which can only happen when you are authentic and real about your needs and desires. You cannot pour from an empty cup and must take find the time to explore your purpose in life. It may be helpful to seek out additional support to work on your intrapersonal relationship.


Input: What do I do if my 7 year old says she want to kill herself?

Instruction:
My daughter was overly tired and throwing a fit at her grandparent's house. She wanted to come home at midnight and cried screamed said she said she hated her grandma and that she wanted to kill herself!
    We also have a new baby in the house i didn't know if this would contribute to this. How should I approach this?

Output: You wrote a very full family context w many directions to examine.Do you know or can you find out what the grandma and your daughter were doing in the evening of the screaming episode?Is it possible the grandma abuses your daughter, or tells her scary stories, watches scary movies.  These are only suggestions of some problem between grandma and your daughter.Also, ask your daughter directly why she wants to kill herself and what' killing herself" means.   Seven year olds don't have a concept of death being a forever condition.  Seven year olds don't have a sense of future meaning besides liking/disliking them.   Maybe the new baby is a factor.  Do you feel this is a factor?   Trust your intuition to tell you if your daughter is resentful of your new baby.Even if she is, I doubt a seven year old has the capacity to connect current unhappiness with the intention of a future action, including suicide.


Input: What are the long term effects of losing one's adopted mother?

Instruction: The birth mother attempted suicide several times while pregnant. The adopted mother was terminally ill upon adopting the baby and died when the child was just over one year old. The adopted father then remarried to a physically, psychologically, and emotionally abusive woman. The child was placed in foster care at 11 years old.    What might be the long term effects on an adult with this childhood history?

Output: The true answer is, "no one can really say with certainty".The variables are the way this child absorbs and adjusts to these significant changes in their life.  All anyone can do is guess at this point and there's no good reason to guess.The only general certainty is that the adult whom this child becomes will have had a profound encounter with the biggest types of human losses a child can go through.Some people become great teachers, therapists and philosophers who have this background.  Some give up on life and hide away from others.The best anyone could do who knows this child is to offer love bc this is the greatest guarantee to show there are good people on this earth.


Input: Is it healthy to embarrass a child as punishment?

Instruction: My grandson's step-mother sends him to school with a pink Barbie backpack as a form of punishment.

Output: Parents are to teach discipline to children, not punishment.   Punishment is another word for wanting to cause hurt.  There is a different in discipline and punishment.  Punishment could have long term affects on a child's self image and growth.  It can lead to others issues such as bullying from peers as well.  Whatever your grandson has done, there is a much better way of getting him to understand that his actions are not acceptable.  Punishment is not one them.  Encourage the step-mother to build a positive relationship with him, this way he will learn to respect and trust her.  His actions would improve.  She may need to attend a parenting class for blended families.


Input: Is it healthy to embarrass a child as punishment?

Instruction: My grandson's step-mother sends him to school with a pink Barbie backpack as a form of punishment.

Output: Absolutely not! It is never in a child's best interest to use humiliation as punishment. This can lead to issues in the relationship between parent and child as well as the child's social relationships. Kids have a hard enough time. To then go and cause them embarrassment is unconscionable. The entire job of a parent is to prepare their child to become a successful, healthy adult. You do this by using healthy ways to teach a child when they make a mistake. Discipline shouldn't be seen as punishment. It should be seen as a way to teach a lesson. What lesson could this possibility be teaching him? Absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, she is most likely damaging her relationship with him and causing great distress in his school day and peer interactions. She should be one of the people he can come to when he's hurting; not someone who causes him pain.


Input: How do I tell one parent I want to live with the other one?

Instruction: I want to live with my mom. My dad gets angry and makes me feel like everything is my fault. I still talk to my mom although My dad tells me that I'm no allowed to. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision and that my dad will hate me.    How do I tell him that I want to live with my mom?

Output: Yes, from what you wrote, your dad doesn't accept responsibility for the way he feels and blames you for his feelings.I'm glad you recognize he's handling himself less as a grown person and more like a young child.I also understand your hurt and frustration that your father handles himself in a way which shows for now that he is unwilling to respect your wishes.Your decision is not surprising since most people wouldn't want to live with a parent who shows little interest to respect their kids' decisions.In terms of how to tell him your choice, do this in simple and most basic information terms.   "I've decided for now to live w mom".I suggest to not offer reasons to him bc he doesn't seem interested in hearing them.   Giving him reasons would likely trigger him to rebut them.If he asks questions, answer them as simply as possible.If and when you feel he is more willing to understand and know you, then you'd feel more free to have genuine dialogue with him.Right now he doesn't seem very ready to handle this.


Input: How do I tell one parent I want to live with the other one?

Instruction: I want to live with my mom. My dad gets angry and makes me feel like everything is my fault. I still talk to my mom although My dad tells me that I'm no allowed to. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision and that my dad will hate me.    How do I tell him that I want to live with my mom?

Output: There is a lot of information that needs to be filled in first. So what the custody arrangement? Does your dad have full custody? Is the custody shared? What does your mom think about the situation? Is she willing to go to bat for you?What is your age? Usually you have the right to choose based on age requirements set by the state.Legally you can't be kept away from your mom unless there is some legal complications that prevent it.Is your father abusive and should you seek protection?Many details need to be filled in.You can seek counseling without your parents approving or knowing, depending on your age.Find counseling through school or local agencies.You have rights and one of those is the right to choose.


Input: What can I do about my children blaming me for their addictions?

Instruction: I have three children: a biological daughter, a stepdaughter, and a stepson. I found out my stepdaughter overdosed today. My daughter blames me. I told her to stay out of it. I'm scared of all three kids now. They all blame me for their choices they made. All three have drug addictions. I had a stroke in 2013 so I need to depend on people from now on.

Output: Blaming others is one of our greatest coping mechanisms.  It is not just for addiction, and often we blame the ones closest to us.  You can not stop them from blaming you, you can stop yourself for taking on the burden.  We are all in charge of the choices we make.  No one makes us do something other than our self.  We choose how we internalize and react to situations.  I would find a good therapist who understands family dynamics and addiction to help you cope with your current environment and help you move forward.


Input: I want help with how to deal with my abused daughter

Instruction:
She refuses to talk to me and told my mom (her grand mother) that she is remembering things from the past. I don't know what to do. My daughter blames me and swears she hates me.
   My parents say I should just let my daughter live with her dad, but I don't see how I could fix things if I only see her every other weekend. What should I do?

Output: Sorry to hear about your high degree of stress.How old is your daughter?Who abused yours daughter?The answers make a difference to your decision.Obviously if the father was the abuser, then unless your ex demonstrates to you and you believe, he will not abuse her, your daughter should stay with you.If someone other than the father was the abuser and the father has a good relationship with your daughter, then it is possible that the time away from your household will give each of you time away from arguing with one another.What does your daughter tell you she wants?Her wishes must be considered too.Relationships can be fixed.   Sometimes being apart helps this process because the two people each have time to reflect more deeply on what they value about the other.


Input: How can I deal with my daughter's rebellious behavior?

Instruction: She's a teenager, and for the last two years, she's lived with her older brother. She's angry because she wants to come live with me, but my current living situation is not the best for her. She refuses to see any reason. She's being disrespectful. Her sexual curiosity is waking up.

Output: You're her mom and she needs you.  I would suggest focusing on connection.  Since you are not currently living together, one way to do this would be to plan a date in which she gets to decide what you do together.  Give her time to think about what she wants to do.  As long as the activity is safe and affordable, try to do it, even if it's not your thing.  While you are with her, turn off the phone and give her your undivided attention.  The goal would be just for you to enjoy each other and connect.


Input: Should my step-daughters be told that their step-father has a child pornography addiction?

Instruction: My husband’s ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband’s ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has "repented." It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.

Output: If the daughters are old & mature enough to understand substance abuse.  They should be told for their own empowerment. KNOWLEDGE is their power of safety and protection.


Input: Should my step-daughters be told that their step-father has a child pornography addiction?

Instruction: My husband’s ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband’s ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has "repented." It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.

Output: The information from the other therapists here is sound and prudent. There are what sounds to be real legal (is this man a RSO [registered sex offender]; is he prohibited from being in proximity to minors? use/possession of child porn violates any # of state and federal statues...) and safety issues at play here. Your husband's daughters have an immediate "need to know" and this can be done developmentally-contextual, factually and in a non-shaming fashion. I would further counsel that you and your husband (his daughters welfare is at stake) seek immediate legal counsel. The ex-wife here seems to be between a "rock and a hard place" of her own creation -- she desperately needs care, treatment for herself. Resources for Your Consideration: 1) http://www.missingkids.com/home; 2) https://www.justice.gov/criminal-ceos/citizens-guide-us-federal-law-child-pornography


Input: Should my step-daughters be told that their step-father has a child pornography addiction?

Instruction: My husband’s ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband’s ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has "repented." It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.

Output: Lorain, you're correct that your husband's ex-wife is (seriously) minimizing this problem. I have a very strong opinion here. In my book, the safety of children trumps potentially insulting or hurting the feelings of adults. Of course the girls should be told, because they have the right to know. Their voice is not the only one I'm concerned about here though. I believe your husband has the right to insist that his daughters be in a safe home, and there is clear evidence this man is not safe. This woman is putting her own comfort (she simply doesn't want to deal with her partner's situation, her own fears, or anyone else's needs) above the safety of two vulnerable girls. Honestly, if it was me, my kids wouldn't be even visiting that home with that man present, "repented" or not. It's not worth the risk. If she decides to stay with him, the natural consequence of having a known perpetrator in your home is not having access to vulnerable children in that same home.


Input: My daughter won't stop stealing and lying

Instruction: Her father and I have been dealing with this problem for quite some time now. She is an adolescent, and the problem is mostly food. She is now overweight, and we just don't know what to do anymore. She can be disrespectful and doesn't listen to or respect what we say.

Output: I would be curious about there potentially being some emotional or physical trauma in your daughter's history that she is struggling with. Physical trauma is usually easier to identify, but emotional trauma can be feeling a lack of emotional connection in her important relationships, having experienced bullying, or some other emotional injury. The fact that there are some defiance symptoms going on suggests that she might be in need of a safe place to process what she's going through, and the potential issue with control or meeting emotional needs with food is also concerning. I would recommend looking for a therapist/counselor who works with children/adolescents in the area of addressing trauma for an assessment. They may be able to ask the right questions to see whether trauma is truly the issue.


Input: How can I improve my relationship with my daughter?

Instruction: Me and my adult daughter just do not get along. She's very belittling to me when I don't agree with her. It's almost like she scolds me. We get into all out war. She's said I don't support her in what she does and that I've never loved her. She calls me horrible names, and she pushes my buttons to the point I call her names.

Output: As frustrating and probably hurtful as your daughter's comments sound, there's also a message in them about how she genuinely feels.To some degree, your daughter and you may both feel similarly misunderstood by the other.Developing ways of listening and talking to one another to better understand how you each feel, would probably help a lot.One major point to be aware, is that the mother/daughter relationship dynamic, because it is strong, may slow the new dynamic of relating as two adults.Watch for your own tendency to expect your daughter to consider you as a parenting authority, instead of considering her as a grown person.The same is true of your daughter.  She may need to remind herself to talk to you as the adult she is.Her needs from you are real, they just need to be spoken to you in an adult way.


Input: Our grandson wants to talk to his estranged mom

Instruction: We are the legal guardianship of our grandson. He has been acting out, and he wants to talk to his mom that has not talked to him since before last year. How are we to handle this?

Output: Hi Boone, This depends a lot on his age and the situation. The younger the child is, in general, the more I would see this as your decision, not his. A child of any age should be listened to carefully about these matters, but just because a child has unresolved issues about a parent doesn't necessarily mean that having contact is a good solution. Some questions... Was the parent harmful to the child? Is the parent likely to be harmful to the child? How likely is it to be a positive experience? Do you have any contact with the parent? You may want to speak with the parent first to determine whether they are in a stable enough place to allow this to happen.  I would start by asking the child more about what is on his mind. What does he want to get out of a visit with the parent? Is it to see them and know the parent is okay, to get an apology, to apologize for a perceived hurt, to have regular contact, to find out if they are loved...? What does he hope mom or dad might do or say in the visit? There are many possible goals this child might have in mind. This will give you a sense of what's missing for the child; what need are they trying to fill. Once you know the need, try to determine the likelihood of that need being met successfully through contact.Once you determine the risk of the child's need not being met, then you decide whether it makes sense.  The older the child, the more able they are to determine this with you or for themselves. There are other options than a face-to-face. He can write to his mom or dad, text or email. It's likely that the child is looking for a sense that he is loved, wanted, worth some effort. When a child is separated from a parent, they tend to blame themselves. Whether he sees the parent or not, he will need extra love, attention and support than a child who has two loving, present parents. I wish him the best and I'm grateful for the love and support you continue to give your grandson. You're very special!


Input: My daughter calls me crazy, and I’m not sure how to handle that

Instruction: I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this.

Output: Hi Arkansas, Your situation sounds like a case of parental alienation. Your ex-partner unfortunately has the power to say things to your children that poison their relationship with you. It's a form of woman abuse and child abuse. He's likely doing this to hurt you and have power over you, and he's not considering how it's affecting the kids. I've seen this happen in many families; parents who once had a strong loving relationship with their children suddenly feel abandoned in favor of the other parent. In some cases, children actually stop having contact with one parent, who is left bewildered and powerless. It's your ex's job to support your relationship with your kids, not try to destroy it. While you can't change his behaviours, and I think you know that, there are things you can do for yourself and your kids. For your children, you can refuse to enter into the war he's setting up. He's trying to provoke you into acting "crazy", but you don't have to fall for this. If you run around screaming "he's lying!", it only makes you look more 'crazy'. Try to stay calm, and don't put their dad down to them, no matter how tempting it is. One day, they may be ready to hear the truth of your relationship with their father, but wait until they ask. Trust that they have their own experience of their dad, and trust that he doesn't have the power to destroy their love for you. Children, in the long term, lose respect for parents who denigrate the other parent. They see who their dad is already, I'd bet, but they don't know how to cope with that. If he's the only one fighting a war, you're helping them feel less trapped in a parental conflict. Don't engage on his level. Don't blame your children completely. Although I have to say that for them to call you names like crazy is not acceptable and you don't need to tolerate that disrespect, try to deal with this behaviour without bringing their dad into it. They are acting out their father's agenda, likely because they instinctively see his weakness. Children often support the weaker parent, rather than abandon them. You get the worst because they trust your love. But you can still have boundaries. Letting them abuse you isn't the answer, but have compassion for their position. This picture isn't their fault, but as adults, they can be held accountable for their choices.Reassure yourself that you are the mom you know you are. You don't need them to gush all over you in order to know that you made sacrifices. Hold onto the likelihood that some day, they will come back and be grateful. It may take a while, you can't rush it, but they will see you for who you are. Your power is in giving them a consistently calm, generous, connected, supportive mom who refuses to play games or be walked on. I'd recommend trying to connect with other parents who experience this phenomenon, or a therapist who can reinforce these goals and help keep you grounded. Good luck!


Input: My daughter calls me crazy, and I’m not sure how to handle that

Instruction: I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this.

Output: Hi, I understand what you're going through. Your daughters favor him because he has done no wrong in their eyes. Im guessing they lived with you? Growing up I was the same way.. I favoured my dad, thinking he has done no wrong. He also abused my mother multiple times, and that never came to mind. kids like their other parent more mainly because they don't see them everyday, and they usually buy them everything they want, because all he does it pay child support (by force) and then spoil their kids to make them happy. You seem like a great mom, don't doubt yourself.


Input: My daughter calls me crazy, and I’m not sure how to handle that

Instruction: I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this.

Output: It sounds really difficult to know that your daughter may be "choosing" her dad over you, perhaps I can help by saying her intense emotional reactions towards you actually acknowledge how much safer and connected she feels towards you. We tend to have big emotions around those we care for most. I would suggest to let her know how hard it is to hear that, and sad it make you feel at times, and that this is hard for everyone. Expressing your feelings to here, will allow her to express hers too.


Input: I feel like there is a wedge between my daughter and I

Instruction: We live with my ex-partner’s sister and her husband. We have been there for five years now. They are Hispanic and talk to my daughter in their language. Sometimes they overstep their balance between aunt and uncle and reach into my role as a parent. They neglect to see this. I do, and it reflects in my child's behavior. She sees them as stable but is upset that her dad isn't here, and my intuition tells me she blames me to a degree because she doesn't know about his alcohol addictions.

Output: Hi New York, I'm happy to hear that your daughter doesn't know about her dad's addictions. Although you don't say how old she is, and I imagine that at some point in her life she will be ready to know the truth, I trust your instinct that now is not the time. Your ability to have clear boundaries about what is adult conversation and what is suitable for a child to know are really important here, and I can tell you're being appropriately protective and a thoughtful parent. As much as this helps your daughter, I sense that you also know you can't take away the emotional pain that comes from having an absent parent. Children tend to blame themselves for a parent's absence. These children need extra love and support wherever they can get it.You say that you feel like there is a wedge between you and your daughter. I understand that having your ex partner's relatives in the same home would make it uncomfortable at times. It is very important to establish boundaries; only you should parent your daughter, but it's also natural for people to want to assist you. Let's trust that their intentions are good, if there is no evidence to the contrary. As much as they support you, they also  have emotional ties to your daughter's father. While there is potential for discomfort in this complex situation, there are also many positive factors here that I invite you to see.I don't know what your culture is, but for your daughter to have the opportunity to preserve her father's heritage language and a relationship with his family are potentially wonderful additions to her life. In general, the more adults around loving and supporting a child, the better. It could be that you are feeling threatened by small moments where there appears to be a special connection between your daughter and her father's family. Nothing anyone else does can take your daughter's love from you. My hope for you is that you can feel so secure in your own position as loving mother that you will not feel intimidated by other positive connections your daughter has. They are potentially wonderful connections, and she deserves your support in maintaining those relationships if they don't harm her.I suggest that the most important alliances to work on here are between you and your ex's family. If you could all give your daughter the gift of a healthy, united supportive and loving safety net for her...that's the best outcome of all.


Input: My brother's ex-girlfriend doesn't want her son to see us anymore

Instruction: My brother just broke up with his girlfriend. While they were dating for the past two years, her son spent the weekends with me and my mother. Now she doesn't think her son should have any interaction with us. How should we approach the situation? Is she doing the right thing for her child?

Output: Hi Tampa, I get that this is a loss for all of you; you have bonded with this child as a result of the significant time you have spent with him. He's a lucky boy to have had you all taking care of him. Certainly, it seems that his mother might not be making the best decision for her son; if you are willing to maintain the relationship, it would be good for him to still have that contact. In my book, the more people loving a child, the better. But, ultimately, she has the right to make these decisions. To oppose her won't likely do any good. You can focus on grieving this relationship and supporting your brother through his loss as well.


Input: My mentally-ill mother-in-law wants to babysit

Instruction: My mother-in-law is mentally ill. She has been for most of her life. She cuts herself. She has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for about 40 years. She has voices in her head that tell her to cut herself. She has had multiple shock therapy treatments, and she’s on enough medication to take down an elephant. Her parental rights for her two children were taken away from her when my husband was a boy—he is now in his late 30s. She doesn’t even have custody of herself. She hasn’t asked yet, but she has been insinuating that she wants to babysit my child. How do I go about saying no without creating an issue?

Output: Hi Fontana,Thanks for providing all the details needed in order to respond to your question. It seems very clear to me that "no" would be the appropriate response. I like your healthy boundaries, and I'll help you explore possible ways to respond to her. First, she hasn't asked yet, and you don't know that she will. Right now, you can pleasantly ignore her hints. They're not hurting you and if you ignore them, they're more likely to go away. You can address and reduce your own anxiety about the possibility of her asking by reassuring yourself that you have the right as parents to make this decision, and that if she's offended, that doesn't mean that you're being mean; it means that she has unrealistic expectations. So, the first goal is to put it out of your mind as a worry. You might never have to face that moment. But, I understand that you want to be prepared.As her son, perhaps your husband is the best one to answer the question, should it ever come. Is he willing to do this? But if you are comfortable, and if you're the one she asks, you can confidently give her a simple, honest response about why it won't happen. And I would suggest presenting a firmly closed door, rather than saying "but maybe later". No need to apologize or hum and haw..."We love that you want to be around Junior, and we definitely want you in his/her life. (try to leave out the "but" here). You're not in a healthy place, and we're not comfortable with you caring for him/her on your own."If she pushes the issue, this is evidence of her denial or inappropriate boundaries. I'd let her know that it's not negotiable, that you understand if she's disappointed, but you're not open to discussing the issue. Really, there's nothing to discuss. Learning not to take responsibility for her emotions is part of having an ill person in your life. I wish you the best.


Input: Should I take my daughter to therapy?

Instruction: My daughter didn't see her biological father for the last three years. She doesn’t want to see him because she remember really bad things from him such as domestic violence and child abuse. The visitation is with supervision, but she refuses to see him. Is it better to take my daughter to the therapist and try to see him after the therapy?

Output: Has the father or the visitation supervisor contacted you regarding why your daughter hasn't shown up for the past three years' worth of supervised visitation?Or is the supervised visitation a new development for the bio dad and your daughter?If no one is pressuring or expecting your daughter to show up, no one has even asked where she is, why she isn't present, then I don't see any reason for you to offer more effort by your daughter, than the father is willing to make for seeing her.If your daughter is willing to talk with a therapist, then let her find out first hand if the sessions seem useful or not.The one move I'd avoid is to force your daughter to go to a therapist since growing up in a household in which child abuse took place, being forced may remind her of her own feelings from this past, of feeling no one heard or cared about the way she wanted to be treated.


Input: Should I take my daughter to therapy?

Instruction: My daughter didn't see her biological father for the last three years. She doesn’t want to see him because she remember really bad things from him such as domestic violence and child abuse. The visitation is with supervision, but she refuses to see him. Is it better to take my daughter to the therapist and try to see him after the therapy?

Output: Hi Dillon,I'm from Canada, so I don't know the laws in your state. It depends on that a good deal, perhaps. In my opinion, a child should never be forced into a situation where they feel unsafe, even if it is "supervised". If the child is old enough to make a strong statement about not wanting to see a parent, then this should be honoured. Unfortunately, the laws don't always uphold a parent's right to do what is best for their child. I recommend you see a lawyer, who will advise you about how to proceed without putting yourself at risk of breaching custody agreements.If you feel your daughter can benefit from therapy, that is a separate question. Or is she already in therapy? A family therapist will typically meet with you alone first, in order to determine if therapy is a wise move for your child. It isn't always appropriate.


Input: I can't leave my negative environment without leaving behind my fiancé

Instruction: My fiancé and I have been in a relationship for two years. We have an infant son. My fiancé also has a child from a previous relationship. We do not live together. I live with my mother currently while I get on my feet, and he's living with some friends. My mother and I have an awful relationship that is completely unbearable most of the time. We cannot even stand to be around one another while living in the same house. She has made it clear that she wants me gone. Recently, I was talking to my father who lives in a different state. My father and I have always had a good relationship. I explained to him the situation I am in with my mother, and he said he would like for me, my fiancé, and our son to come live with him and his wife. I would really love to go. I do not want my son to be in this environment with constant arguing and negativity any longer. There is nowhere else for me to stay while remaining in this state. The problem is my fiancé is refusing to move away with me because he does not want to leave behind his other child. He and his child's mother have a horrible relationship, and she would absolutely not be willing to let him visit if we moved away. I believe I would be doing what is best for my child by moving away, but I do not want to leave without my fiancé. I have already explained the situation to him, and he will not give in. Do I continue to stay in this negative environment with my child and keep our family together? Do I move away with my child and have my relationship end? I do not want to take him out of either of his kids’ lives. What do I do?

Output: Hi Bethlehem,You have a big decision to make.  I appreciate your fiancé's need to stay close to his child and be a stand-up dad, and I am glad that you know your son needs an emotionally safe place.I'm a bit confused, because the obvious answer seems to be that you and your fiancé would get your own place together. I get that you want your dad to take care of all of you, but maybe it's time to take responsibility for your own future and start building it independently of either parent. I say that without knowing how old you are, but if you have a child and a two year relationship, you basically have declared your independence anyway.  I wish you the best.


Input: My child urinated in his mother's drink

Instruction: Just wondering if this is a deviant act, and if I should be concerned for him. He isn’t quite 10.

Output: Well it's certainly unusual, and potentially could be cause for alarm. It's a passive aggressive act if done intentionally, so I would wonder if this child is trying to say something.I think without any context, however, or sense of whether there are other signs of disturbance, it's impossible to say what's going on. If there are other signs of distress or very unusual behaviours, you might bring the child to someone who can assess him properly.


Input: Should I leave my boyfriend?

Instruction: My boyfriend has a child he gets every other weekend. He goes to see her twice a week or more. Every time she leaves, he gets into these funks like when his mom died. When she’s here, she’s disrespectful, and his answer is “Well, I don’t know what to tell you.” She swears and talks back, and he laughs. He and her mom have been apart for three years, and he blames her behavior on that and her being so young. We never have adult time when she’s not here. She’s the "golden child," and he won’t listen to anyone.

Output: Hi Lockport, Building a relationship when there are already children involved is very tricky. You don't tell us whether you live together or not. If you do, your position is perhaps more difficult, because his daughter's behaviours affect you; you live in the home. A bottom line for me is you don't tell someone else how to parent. That's for your boyfriend to decide. When he's there, he's the parent, and he makes the decisions about how she is disciplined (or not). Even if you have good ideas or you completely disagree, or you think you see something that he's not seeing, it's simply not for you to interfere there. It sounds like your boyfriend is struggling emotionally and needs support. He has had a lot of losses in his life and maybe every time his daughter leaves he feels powerless and abandoned. Do you talk about these things? Can you find that line of supporting him but not telling him what to do?Although I suggest you leave the parenting to him, what you can do is tell him what you see, offer suggestions if he's open to it, and talk about the ways in which the situation affects you. It makes sense to say "I see you struggling and I don't know how to help", "I've noticed that you seem afraid to discipline her. Are you aware that it's coming across this way? Do you need help?", or "I feel sad and frustrated when we don't spend any time alone together." You sound a bit resentful of his daughter. Is it possible that your real struggle is about whether you're ready to be in a relationship with a man whose priority is his child?You have a voice, and it's great to offer support and ideas and let him know how you feel. Ultimately, however, you are wise to accept this man as who he is and accept the situation for what it is, and make your own decision about whether you want to be a part of it. :)


Input: Should I tell my kids that Santa is real after their dad told them he is not?

Instruction: My ex-husband told my two adolescents that Santa doesn't exist on the day before Christmas. They are desperate to hold on to the magic of Christmas, but I don't know if it's right for me to lie to them and tell them that Santa is real. I don't want to let them down and make them lose out on those memories, but I also don't want to lose their trust.

Output: Well Boise, the cat's out of the bag now, isn't it? I love that you want to help your kids keep the magic of Christmas. They must want that too if they still believe in Santa into their teen years, which is unusual, I believe. I wonder if they had already figured it out anyway?But they know now, and your ex had the right to tell them if he felt it was best. So it's time to explain to them what a loving and magical thing it is that parents do, and Christmas can still be magical in so many ways. Really, who says they have to stop believing in Santa? Santa is very real as a spirit of surprise, generosity and love.


Input: How can I help my kids get along?

Instruction: For the last year, my adolescent son and daughter have been driving me nuts with fighting. I'm at my wits end. How can I get them to stop and get along?

Output: That is a good question. Unfortunately there is no generic answer with this one. Kids fight for different reasons - wanting attention, wanting respect, feeling jealous, wanting space and to be left alone, or a whole bunch of other reasons. Regardless of the underlying motivations for fighting, most conflicts result from misunderstandings and assumptions about the motivations of others and one of the best ways to start figuring out what is going on is to sit them down and have some conversations with them. These conversations should be centred on getting a better understanding of why they are angry with each other and really understanding them. It is important that they each know that you are committed to understanding their experience rather than simply sitting them down and lecturing them about what they are doing wrong. The more they are able to understand each other and feel understood the more likely they will be cooperative and considerate of each other. One exercise for doing this that can be very helpful is "active listening" where one person speaks and the other person reflects back what they heard the other person say and then checks for understanding. This is hard to do but it often illuminates where the misunderstandings and assumptions are. If this doesn't work it may be time to get a family therapist or counsellor involved who can help facilitate dialogue and resolve conflict.


Input: How can I help my toddler with toilet training when he gags every time he sees his poop?

Instruction: My toddler is having a real hard time with toilet training. He almost throws up every time he sees his poop. He gags and will not go on the toilet. We have tried a toilet chair and ring that goes on the big-boy toilet, but he refuses to use it. When he sits on the toilet, he just sits there forever and only will pee. He holds the poop in until he get up and then will poop in his diaper. I dump his diaper in the toilet and let him know that it is where it goes to try to encourage him. How can I help him get over this fear and passed the stress?

Output: Your son is showing signs that he's just not ready to be toilet trained. You don't say how old he is, so I'm not sure whether the problem is deeper, but right his fears may reflect that right now he is simply be not ready to take that step. Pushing him at this point could worsen the problem, so I suggest pulling back the expectations, waiting a month or two, looking for more signs of readiness and trying again. In general, teaching children to use the toilet works best when "mistakes" are handled calmly and when parents pay close attention to cues that the child is responding positively.


Input: My parents aren't letting my boyfriend and I talk or see each other while I'm pregnant

Instruction:
I’m a senior high school student. I’m also five months pregnant. I got pregnant by my boyfriend of three years. My parents don’t want us to communicate with each other. He can’t even come to visit my gynecologist. My mom goes to attend all of my doctor’s appointments. She’s supportive of me. I wish, though, that my boyfriend was next to me and be able to see his daughter on a sonogram, at the very least. My family does not understand that he deserves that much. I cry all the time because I feel lost and hopeless.
 I need guidance and I believe that you can give it to me. Am I wrong for wanting him around? Are they right for keeping him away from the appointments and not letting us communicate with each other even though we are the parents? I do everything that they ask of me. I just want him to be around. When I ask my parents to let him be here, they call me a selfish person. Please help me.

Output: You're not wrong for wanting to be with your boyfriend of three years who is also the biological father of your child.Do your parents object to you and your boyfriend continuing to see each other in person?  Or, do they object only to electronic communication and don't want him involved in his child's life? Ask your parents what their reason is for forbidding you to communicate with your boyfriend.  Ask them also to understand your point of view.Now is also a good time for you and your boyfriend to plan whether and where you will live as a family and how to financially and emotionally support one another once your baby is born.Your mom and dad are definitely making fatherhood difficult for your boyfriend and motherhood stressful for you.Consider bringing up the topic during your next obgyn visit.  Your doctor may ask your mom to explain her reasons and address these.Look online for women's resources to see if there are clinics or agencies that would help you advocate for your position in this matter.Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy, labor and delivery!


Input: My husband is harsh towards our son and threatened me

Instruction:
Tonight, my husband seemed to put our son down through an incorrect approach. His approach was perfectly wrong. I found myself defending my son. I told him that what he did was not the way to encourage our son.
 Instead of watching my husband’s harsh behavior I decided to sit beside my son and, together, we worked on his science assignment in order to encourage him to study. My husband got upset and he was swearing at me. He threatened me. I knew that he was not joking. His words scared me a lot!

Output: I have had these many cases, but in situations like this.... If it does get out of hand, the police do need to be involved. Sit down and talk to your husband when he is calm and collective.


Input: I am bipolar and have been absolutely angry for over the last year at my daughter

Instruction: She was raised by her abusive father and his wife. 30 years ago I shot and killed my rapist and was convicted in Louisiana. I lost custody of my daughter and served 5 years. When I was released, she was 5 and didn't remember me. Many many sad memories came from my having to leave her visit after visit, having to leave her in Texas to travel back to Louisiana. She doesn't remember that. I do. Over the years, I thought we had developed a close mother daughter relationship. She gave me good reason to doubt that on several occasions but especially last year. I have been cruel to her verbally and to my son who I met years after giving him up for adoption. Last night, I was angry at the world and afraid of God. I drank and cussed out a maintenance worker for not doing his job 4 months running. Now I'm not only feeling guilty for that but afraid of being evicted now. Help.

Output: Was either parent abusive or violent toward you?You sound to have suffered emotionally in your relationships since early in life.One point to consider is to strive for moderation in what you offer in relationships.A lot of what you've lived through is extreme, either as victim or perpetrator.If you imagine that apologizing to the custodian for the way spoke to him, would calm him down, do so.At the very least, you'll be actively resolving your guilt over cussing at him, and fear of his retaliation.


Input: I want to get back with my kid's mother and be a family again

Instruction: I regret ever hurting her and they mean the world to me. But it feels like nothing I do seem to work. I'll always love them no matter what and when I'm with them nothing else matters. I love them more then anything. I don't want another guy raising my kids.

Output: How you you expressed your regret and taken responsibility for the pain thus far? Repair is a very essential skill in and part of developing healthy relationships. Your love sounds deep, sit with that. Also sit with how she's been hurt. You get to feel your hurt too and your kids. In feeling all this you may also find our way to the repair. If feeling all this is tough to take on, seek out a local therapist to support your process.


Input: How do I stop my step child from hurting my biological child?

Instruction: What makes my step child, an 8 year old boy, choke my daughter, a 6 year old girl? This has been going on for 4 years. The boy tells my daughter not to tell on him. He knows it's wrong; we have did time out, spanking, taking away toys, and sitting on the wall. I am afraid for my daughters safety!

Output: I can see why you are alarmed. That is a scary situation for a parent. Do you know if the child has been evaluated by a mental health professional? Early treatment is often the key. A professional will be able to help the child learn how to control their anger and mend the troublesome actions into more appropriate responses. Have you addressed your concerns with the child's other parent? There could be contributing factors in his life that could be causing these issues (exposure to violence, sexual/physical abuse, drug use, stressful events in his life, etc.). It is important that these factors are identified so that they can either be eliminated and/or reduced. I wouldn't hesitate to have him evaluated (if he hasn't been already) and to ensure that he is getting the help that he needs whether it be medication and/or therapy. Until then, I would make sure that he is always supervised under an adult's care.


Input: How can my boyfriend forgive me when I can't forgive myself?

Instruction: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six years now. In the past, our relationship was difficult and frustrating. We argued a lot, and due to that, there was a lot of tension between us. We stayed together because we love each other and wanted to make it work. I used to party a lot, and several times I got into situations where I would end up kissing someone else. These situations were never more than just kissing. I have come clean about these situations with my boyfriend, and he decided to forgive and move forward with me. I love him so much and want to work things out too, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how he can forgive me. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and unworthiness.

Output: Hi Cerritos,This is an interesting twist because it's more common for the person in your position to want to move forward, and for the person who was wronged to struggle with forgiveness. You are lucky to have a loving, compassionate partner, and your boyfriend is lucky to have a partner who takes full responsibility for their actions. My hunch is that you learned some things about yourself when you were younger that are playing a role here. Your sense of worthlessness seems out of proportion to the mistakes you made. You don't have to be perfect in order to deserve the love of a good man. You only have to have the maturity to recognise when you've hurt someone and work hard to make it better. Who in your life overreacted to small mistakes you made? Were you shamed as a child? Did you learn that you deserved to be punished? Did something bad happen that you thought was your fault? Is there a mistake you made long ago that you need forgiveness for? There is a younger person inside you waiting to be forgiven for something they weren't entirely responsible for. The bar is too high for you. If I was your therapist, I would work with you to find the source of the shame, and address that wound. If you want to move forward and be with your boyfriend, your job will be to forgive yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean "it was okay"; forgiving simply means that it happened, that you can't erase it, and that you don't want to carry it around or punish yourself for it anymore. You have done many things here that you can feel proud of! You've 'come clean', you've been honest, you've taken responsibility for your actions, you've not tried to minimize what you did, and you've chosen to be more loyal and aware of how you impact your boyfriend. These are all things you can use to build your sense of worth. You are acting very honourably. It's time to put your past mistakes away on the shelf knowing that you've learned from them and are a better person now. It's not our mistakes...not our worst moments that define us...it's how we handle them afterwards.I wish you growth and happiness.


Input: How can my boyfriend forgive me when I can't forgive myself?

Instruction: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six years now. In the past, our relationship was difficult and frustrating. We argued a lot, and due to that, there was a lot of tension between us. We stayed together because we love each other and wanted to make it work. I used to party a lot, and several times I got into situations where I would end up kissing someone else. These situations were never more than just kissing. I have come clean about these situations with my boyfriend, and he decided to forgive and move forward with me. I love him so much and want to work things out too, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how he can forgive me. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and unworthiness.

Output: So wonderful to have a boyfriend who is able to understand and forgive you. What do you think that he sees in you that allows him to do that? Does he see someone who like other humans makes mistakes? Does he see someone who despite hurtful choices is a good person committed to being a loving respectful partner? The compassion and understanding that we can often extend to others can be difficult to extend to ourselves. We often hold very unrealistic and perfectionist expectations for ourselves which may even lead to our poor choices in the first place - as a ways of letting off steam or rebelling against our high standards. Regardless of the reasons, we all make mistakes and imperfection does not make someone less loveable - it just makes them human. If your boyfriend is able to start clean with you, there must be a reason. What you do from here on out will define the kind of partner you are to him. Can you treat him with the kind of respect that you would want? Can you help him to feel loved and safe in the relationship? Can you allow yourself to be imperfect and afraid and still worthy of love and acceptance. When you are feeling ashamed of your behaviours - try to imagine extending that scared part of you the same love and acceptance that you might extend to other people who have made mistakes. It is not easy to forgive ourselves but it is important in order to allow ourselves to be loved and to truly love others.


Input: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself

Instruction: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Output: Sending you positive vibes ✨ Self Esteem is your new goal. I have a program that is amazing tool to start. And with talk therapy you could move forward to get to the "Claim It" moment also.  Getting to know You! Til then.  Here is a tip.  Coloring.  Adult coloring books.  I have a popular one if you are an upcoming Goddess. Or any outlet like a Gratitude Journal.  If you are interested in some worksheets to get you started contact me. And if you want more self help for Self Esteem please check out this BOOK


Input: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself

Instruction: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Output: Aside from seeing a therapist to help you work through the feelings and events that might have resulted in the self-hatred, I recommend a few things:1.)  Draw a line down the page in a journal to make two columns.  In the first column, write down your negative thoughts.  On the other side in the second column, write down a different statement to challenge that thought.  Pretend you are a judge trying to prove the negative thought wrong.  For example, you might change "I wasn't good enough" to "it wasn't about me" or "I'm actually really good at x, y, and z."  2.)  Write down a new positive self statement each day and focus on each one on your list for 2-3 minutes (more if you can- the more the better).  Meditate on the truth of each of these statements.  This method has been proven to be effective in improving self esteem.3.)  Practice non-judgmental awareness.  Be curious about your experience.  Notice your emotions and where they are coming from.  My guess would be that if you're hating yourself then there is probably some shame, guilt, sadness, and/or anger that needs to be addressed.  These emotions might fit the facts or not.  If they do, here are some things you can do (if not, then practice the methods above):Shame: Fits the facts if a person or group of people you care about will reject you if they knew the truth.  Try talking to someone who will not reject you about what you're ashamed of.  Be VERY careful to pick someone who will validate you and not cause more shame (a therapist will help with this).Guilt: Fits the facts when you've done something that violates your own values or moral code.  Try making amends if you've hurt someone.  Practice self-validation (or talking with someone who will validate you) and forgiving yourself.  Use it as motivation to making a commitment to change your behavior if necessary.Sadness: Fits the facts when you lost or will be losing someone or something you care about.  Practice letting yourself feel sad and grieve.  Maybe process it with someone who supports you or through a creative outlet like art or writing.Anger:  Fits the facts when someone or something has threatened you or a loved one's life or well-being.  Anger motivates us to protect ourselves and our loved ones.  Practice setting boundaries and seeking justice if necessary.4.)  Practice self compassion.  Imagine someone you care about is going through the same thing.  What encouraging or loving words would you say to them?  Write that down.  Now read it back to yourself.5.)  Building mastery is a great skill for confidence and improving your mood.  That means doing things that give you a sense of confidence like learning or practicing a new skill.  6.)  Step out of your comfort zone and do things that you're afraid of that are not harmful, like participating in Toastmasters to practice public speaking.  Give yourself permission to suck and try not to judge yourself.These things can be very helpful, but there may be more work to do to really get to the root of the problem and heal.  This is pain trying to get your attention.  Don't ignore it.  Find support and give yourself grace.


Input: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself

Instruction: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Output: You are valid and you are enough, starting to actually believe that within yourself will be key!  Releasing the thought that you are unworthy will be crucial also!  What are some activities, hobbies, crafts, talents you have?  Remind yourself that you have great qualities.   Do not allow others' opinions of you to penetrate your psyche.  Often what others say is about them more so than about us.  What lights you up, excites you?  What brings you joy? Do more of those things.  Where did the thought or the feeling of hating yourself physically and emotionally begin? Here is a helpful video  Where Does Self-Esteem Come From


Input: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself

Instruction: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Output: I think it would be helpful to process these emotions with a professional. You may find it helpful to discuss what it is you feel, where these emotions and thoughts may come from, and start looking into what ay be helpful in improving the way you think of and speak to yourself. One way many professionals do this is through the process of developing self-compassion.


Input: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself

Instruction: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Output: One of the ways that can help you practice acceptance  of self is by using self-compassion. Researcher, Kristin Neff recommends that taking a daily self-compassion break can be beneficial in that it can transform harboring feelings of isolation such as those hating yourself , to an experience of connection. A self-compassion break consists of placing your hand over your heart and acknowledging that you are having a difficult time believing in yourself but that you recognize you are not alone as suffering is ubiquitous so you are connecting with the rest of humanity. You can then say encouraging words to yourself either silently or out loud such as "May I be led every day to recognize my strengths and to love myself" or "May I find peace within myself and strengthen my self-belief." Apart from self-compassion, I would encourage you to keep a self-esteem journal in order to engage in expressive writing and write about your strengths so that you can start to build self-acceptance.


Input: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself

Instruction: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Output: Sometimes we can be our own toughest critic. Acceptance starts first with acknowledging the things that you currently do well, positive qualities, etc. Spend time with those in your life who are supportive of you. Ask them to also contribute to your list of positive qualities. Acknowledge those qualities as often as you can. Next start small with the things you’d like to see differently. Identify a small step you can start that will contribute in shifting how you view your physical and emotional self. Ex.) Identify a hobby that brings you joy.


Input: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself

Instruction: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Output: You've already taken the first step. You want to not hate yourself. Self-acceptance is hard! And it's on a spectrum. On one side we have self-hate, on the other extreme; self-love. And then, there is all this stuff in the middle. It kind of looks like thisAnd working toward self-love often means moving around through all these. Becoming aware of your emotions, exploring the parts of you you that easier and harder to accept, self-kindness, self-forgiveness, self-compassion and ultimately self-love. It is a recovery process and has to be an active thing each day. Meeting with a counselor can give you a partner in that process. Your counselor can also help you to recognize pieces that may be more difficult to see from your eyes as they have an outside view. And with self-acceptance, confidence comes naturally although you may need to practice behaviors that show assertiveness, confidence and boundaries that protect you. Wishing you the absolute best with this!


Input: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself

Instruction: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Output: Self-doubt and self-hatred are such common and unpleasant experiences and really worth  understanding! Therapy with the right person can really help. When in your life do you feel the most confident? What gets in the way of you accepting and loving yourself (big question!). You can and will uncover that confident self!


Input: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself

Instruction: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Output: Self love and self acceptance is something that many of my clients struggle with, so I can assure you that you are not alone. We are bombarded by media and advertisements everyday that try to sell us things to make us somehow better, thus leading us to believe that we are not enough. Unfortunately, I believe that low self esteem is a social epidemic.On a more personal level, do you have any sense of what types of messages you have received in your life that have led to these self defeating thoughts? For example, did a parent or another loved one criticize you or put you down often? Were you bulled in school? Has a romantic partner emotionally abused you? Usually, there are factors such as these which insidiously lead to low self esteem and self loathing. Once you can identify some of the factors that lead to your self hatred, you can make a decision to not let these things from your past have such power over you any more. You learn to take control of how you feel about yourself, rather than letting others dictate that for you. I do think it is possible to heal from self hatred. It doesn't happen over night, and it takes time and effort. It is about re-training your brain to focus on your strengths rather than on your weaknesses. None of us are ever going to be perfect, and if we look for a flaw we are bound to find one (or two, or three...). Try keeping a self esteem journal. Every night, write down three things that you were proud of that day about yourself. Try reciting positive affirmations every day (such as "I am lovable and beautiful just the way that I am today"), to re-program your mind into thinking highly of yourself, rather than poorly.


Input: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself

Instruction: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Output: The most important word here is "sometimes." I know it is quite painful, and I can imagine that at times this pain doesn't feel like it will subside. But it sounds like it is not all the time, which means we can easily say that this "hate myself" experience is one part of you. There are many other parts, if you give them some space to also "speak up," that will offer you more positive regard, trust me on that. Generally speaking, we just don't know how to listen to those parts, because......it is the "I hate myself" part that is our inner critic. And often, our inner critic has developed a lot of strength throughout our life because of how we've depended on it for certain things. Sounds crazy, but in actuality, some of the most "successful" people, in work mainly, are those that have strong inner critics. They use these critics to motivate themselves, but with people, and in relationships, and in our relationship with ourselves, it completely backfires, because relationships are far more dynamic processes than "doing well at work."So, try to acknowledge that the inner critic is one part of you, that you've learned to give a lot of space to. But, if you sit with even a remotely positive feeling you have, it can also be given the space to speak up and grow, just like the critic has over time.


Input: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself

Instruction: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Output: The answer would require a more in-depth knowledge of you and your situation. A lot of times, these feelings are the result of the people in your life treating you a certain way. You internalize it and accept it as your reality. The first step is to evaluate the people close to you, especially your parents. Even if you are an adult, think back to your childhood. Children who grow up in an unstable home often grow up to be adults with insecurities and emotional problems. The obvious, such as being abused, can certainly lead to a person having little to no confidence and self esteem, but there are other situations that might surprise you to hear they can be damaging to a person.You may have never been physically or sexually abused, but what about emotionally? Were you yelled at, berated, put down? Were you told you'd never amount to anything? Were you compared to siblings and felt like you always fell short, couldn't live up to expectations? When you hear something over and over again, you start to believe it.Maybe you weren't yelled at. Maybe it was the opposite. Studies show that children who grow up with a parent who is depressed show signs of emotional neglect. A chronically depressed mother, for example, may have seemed cold, detached, emotionless. She may have been less likely to show interest in a child's life, not give praise for accomplishments or show support by going to ballgames or performances. If one of your family members were chronically ill while you were growing up, chances are, a lot of the attention went to them, which could have led to your needs not being met.Any of these situations could cause a person to grow up feeling unimportant, unheard, unloved, or like they don't matter.Maybe nothing I've described here fits your situation. If you can't pinpoint what has caused you to feel this way on your own, a counselor can help.I am not saying "blame it on your parents" or telling you there's nothing you can do to change it! Quite the opposite! Understanding WHY you feel that way is a first step towards making the changes needed to feel better. Cognitive behavior therapy focuses on cognition - figure out the WHY. Then behavior - the HOW.


Input: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself

Instruction: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Output: This happens slowly and can be done.You already are at the first step of realizing that you hate yourself, not that the feelings of self-loathing are the best of what you're able to expect from life.A way to start building confidence is to pay close attention to the way you handle interactions and make decisions.If you start to notice what you'd like from an interaction, and afterwards, reflect on how well you handled yourself, especially with any unexpected circumstances, you'll build confidence in your ability to be good at something.Do you know why you hate yourself?This answer may help you address within yourself , a new type self talk which has more positives in it than what you've been accustomed to telling yourself.


Input: How do I cope with "never being good enough?"

Instruction: I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from.  Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?

Output: Hello, and let me say first, what a great question! There are so many people putting forth their 100% everyday and often times, do not get the credit they deserve. Without being able to fully understand where you're question is coming from, I think there are a couple of different ways to look at this question.First, I think it's important for us to consider the message being sent by those in your life stating that you're "not good enough." Is that ACTUALLY what they said, or is this just what you heard? Sometimes, because of our own self-doubts and fears, we skew and misinterpret the messages we receive from others. Again, listen to the message being sent and attempt to remain objective. Is the message being sent coming from a place of love or concern? If so, have an honest and open communication with that individual about what your concerns are regarding the amount of energy and time you're spending on being "good enough." Explore with them how you feel you'r already giving your best.If the person is unwilling to work at understanding this concern you have, then it may be time to explore the relationship. Some relationships we engage in can be toxic, especially if the other person is toxic. It may be they have their own "stuff" going on and they feel the need to constantly put others down to make themselves feel better. If you're in the direct path of this individual, then it serves to reason you will probably be in the direct fire, as well. Explore whether or not you want this relationship to continue in your life. If it's a relationship that MUST continue, then work on what you will do to distance yourself from their toxicity or their problems. Until they're willing to work on these issues for themselves, then it may be necessary to find an exit strategy, such as leaving the room or simply refusing to engage in the conversation. Another perspective of this question is exploring the reason why it's important for YOU to satisfy the expectations of these other individuals? NO ONE will ever be 100% "good enough" for EVERYONE. Every single person has their own set of expectations in themselves and expectations in others. It would be impossible to satisfy all of those expectations for every single person in our lives. The question becomes, what is it WITHIN you that feels the need to meet these expectations? There is most likely a part of you, yourself, as an individual that feels "less than" and feels as if you, yourself, are not good enough. It then becomes impossible to every feel "good enough" for others, because it's really YOU you're trying to feel good enough for. If you already feel as if you're doing everything you can do to be at your best version of yourself, then really work on LETTING GO of the rest. No one is perfect, and striving for perfection in our lives only creates more anxiety and stress. Find a middle ground in which you are happy with your accomplishments and your daily goals, and learn to let go of what's left. After all, tomorrow is a new day and you can work on more of your goals tomorrow!I recommend doing this by finding a mantra, a statement or phrase you can repeat to yourself anytime you start to feel that sense of stress and pressure from striving for perfection. The mantra can remind you to let go of this expectation you have for yourself or that others have for you so you can also let go of the stress and anxiety surrounding the expectation. I leave you with one of my favorite quotes that perhaps you can use as your mantra, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. " - Eleanor Roosevelt.


Input: How do I cope with "never being good enough?"

Instruction: I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from.  Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?

Output: The feeling of never feeling good enough usually stems from our early relationship with our parents or significant role models who made us to feel we were never good enough to meet their standards. In the healing process, you'll need to work on discovering the root source of where these thoughts and feelings come from and then learn to accept yourself just as you are unconditionally. I'd be pleased to help you in this process. I provide online private counseling through proventherapy.com. Dr. Rachelle Vaughan


Input: How do I cope with "never being good enough?"

Instruction: I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from.  Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?

Output: I'm sorry that you feel this way despite all you do and as hard as you try.  No wonder you're feeling worn out and hopeless!  If you're doing your best and it's still not good enough then it's reasonable to expect that you would end up feeling burnt out.  It's like there's no more fuel to keep your fire going!  I would encourage you to approach this with curiosity.  In what areas are you not feeling "good enough?"  What does "good enough" even mean?  How are you measuring your success?   Is it measured by what other people say, whether or not they approve, or what other people think?  Is it measured by your own expectations, expectations of a boss, a parent, or a partner?  Are they realistic and achievable expectations?  I once had a boss who always gave negative feedback and criticism.  I started to get to the point where I questioned my career and whether or not it was for me.  When I took a step back and checked the facts, I realized that the feeling of being "not good enough" was coming up mostly in my interactions with my boss.  When I found myself thinking of quitting, I realized that it might be helpful to try talking to her about it first.  As scary as it was, it made a huge difference.  I practiced the skills I teach my clients including constructive criticism and assertive communication.  I told her that as much as I appreciated her trying to help by giving me feedback, I found myself feeling very discouraged after our meetings.  I braced for her response, which actually came to me as a surprise.  She admitted that many people have told her the same thing, and that it wasn't me.  She said that it was her own "stuff" that she needed to work on.   After that I chose to focus on the evidence that I was doing well and that my job has meaning and value.  I realized that "good enough" is how I choose to define it.  I worked on letting myself be human and realizing that I am doing my best and that's good enough (and that doesn't mean I can't still learn and grow).  Giving yourself permission to be human and stop judging yourself so harshly creates space for learning and growing without burning out.  It also gives you a sense of peace because you're not trying to live up to unrealistic expectations.  It's saying "I'm okay as I am, regardless of what anyone says or thinks."  It's also saying "I'm doing my best and I can do better, try harder, and be more motivated to change."Bottom line is, if you check the facts, you're doing great in many ways.  So whether the "not good enough" message is coming from outside or within, try to replace it with another narrative.  Maybe something like, "I'm okay as I am, even if I make mistakes and I'm always learning."  If you're getting criticism from others, try talking to them about it.  Let them know how they can best support you.  Maybe that means celebrating your accomplishments with you- no matter how small.  Most likely they want what's best for you and don't realize how their actions are affecting you.  If they don't want what's best for you, then you might want to consider how you can filter them out of your life or set healthy boundaries with them.  Keep your head up and stay focused on your strengths.  The fact that you are reaching out for help shows that you're proactive and open-minded; hang in there and it will get better!