Input: I don't know where the lines should be drawn with my boyfriend's ex

Instruction: I want us all to get along, but feel that I am not being respected. Of course I do have some insecurities because he was with his ex for 8 years. He wants to see his step daughter and ex makes it so he has to go there to see her, but she doesn't want me around. She has a boyfriend, but mine fixes their vehicles, goes over once a week and hangs out with the ex and does family things with her. Since he works nights, I only see him parts of Friday-Sunday and we live together. He won't let me use his phone when I forgot mine, says his ex used to mess with it. I don't think he's cheating, but he will lie about what time he actually left her place to come home or about going over early to be with them. I feel like the other woman. She has tried to mess with holiday plans by restricting when he can see the child. He only dated once person before her, so this could be why. I don't feel he has let go enough. He is a wonderful boyfriend other than this.

Output: How much of your unhappiness with your boyfriend's way of handling himself regarding his ex, have you told him?The topics that upset you are the core of any intimate relationship.The good news is your own awareness of priorities and expectations from a partner.There may not be any bad news, depending on whether your boyfriend has the interest to adjust what he does regarding the ex.Talking the matters you list, may open a lot of emotion and become sidetracked very easily.A couples' therapist, whose focus is on the couple, not either of you as individuals, may be useful to you and your boyfriend so that you are able to complete your discussions without getting lost by the emotions raised.


Input: My companion tells me he wants nothing to do with me

Instruction: Then turn right back around and say he loves me and needs me. This rollercoaster is crazy.

Output: Your partners obviously very confused when it comes to love. Sometimes people shy away from good and positive relationships and companionship because their afraid. They know that it's something worth holding on to but most feel they can't handle it and can't meet up to their partners expectations. Your partner loves you but must have fear that keeps standing in his way. It could also mean their afraid of getting hurt or disapointed in the long run.  Give your partner comfort and reassurance that they can come to you to confide in you about anything that may be bothering them.


Input: My companion tells me he wants nothing to do with me

Instruction: Then turn right back around and say he loves me and needs me. This rollercoaster is crazy.

Output: Yes, I agree with your view about the "rollercoaster" sounding "crazy"!Concentrate on knowing what your reasons are for staying with this guy, given the broad facts that you state.What are you gaining from being together and are these gains outweighing how you feel when your companion says the opposite of what he just told you?Also, examine yourself for any fears of being alone.Very often, people stay in detrimental relationships because of a fear that being alone will feel worse.It may, initially feel this way after a breakup.This is from change itself.Eventually, stability and peace of mind return, and being alone with oneself is preferred to being taken on an emotional rollercoaster by a partner.


Input: My best friend says she loves me but is talking to a random guy

Instruction: I have been with my best friend for over a year, and we have had a beautiful baby girl. We were in love, and I still love her dearly. I am in my late teens and so is she. She says she has lost her connection with me. She is talking to a random guy that she says is just someone to talk to. But she says she still loves me. I'm very hurt and confused.

Output: Congrats on having your daughter!Have you told your partner about your feelings of "hurt and confused"?This is one possible way of opening a conversation about the different ways you each feel about one another and whether either of you would like changing or continuing to live together, in light of the change in emotional connection.The first step of having a dialogue about a relationship is being clear on what you are feeling, what you are willing to contribute to the relationship and what you would like having in return from your partner.Ask your partner if she is willing to have a conversation on these topics.  Then, allow some time so each of you is clear about their own expectations and what is possible to offer the other.This is a fairly complex process and very often is difficult to keep on track without outside help to keep the discussion focused.It is normal for emotions to override our logic when discussing matters we care about deeply.If the conversations don't go very far, or if your partner has no interest in talking, stick with your own interest to more fully understand matters.Interview some therapists to find one whom you feel helps you clarify and find direction for yourself about this situation.


Input: Why do I feel like I need a man in my life?

Instruction: Why am I attracted to older men?

Output: What a wonderful question!Good for you on clearly knowing your priorities.If I was sitting with you now, I'd ask you to list your reasons.Start with whatever answers you do come up with and examine each of these a little further.If, for example, you feel you need a man because many of your friends are in relationships, then possibly you feel insecure about being your unique self, even when this sets you apart from your friends.If, you feel you need a man to protect you financially, then possibly you've lost faith in your ability to financially support yourself.If you'd like a man in your life to offer your love and are willing to contribute the work of relating intimately, then you've found the best reason for wanting a man in your life.This is far different than "need".


Input: There's this girl I've been dating for months

Instruction: We went out had great sex and I was really liking her. Then one day she says we should just be friends, but I can't stop thinking about her. She's always on mind and I want her back.

Output: It can be really difficult when someone you care about doesn't feel the same about you. The most important thing to remember is that you can not make her feel a certain way.  There is nothing you can do to force her to want to be in a relationship with you.In the end, if she "just wants to be friends" then she's probably not the right match for you.Remember, every relationship ends - until that last one that doesn't.  And that is how it's supposed to be


Input: What can I communicate with a person who is sensitive to negativity in a disagreement?

Instruction: I know someone who is extremely sensitive to stress and very sensitive to a negative tone of voice. Sometimes during a disagreement he tells me that my communication is having a harmful impact on him. Once he believes I am being negative I can't seem to find a better way of communicating. In fact, it is often a self fulling prophesy because his accusatory manner becomes unbearably frustrating.    What advice might you offer?

Output: With any type of criticism, it is usually best to introduce the topic at a neutral time, ie: when both of you are relaxed, with no current stressors involved, having fun, etc.  Begin with a non-judgmental reflective comment about a recent bothersome event, as if it were just then crossing your mind (therefore not something you've been consumed with ruminating over - eases the impulse for him to dive straight into defense mode).Then share how you felt at the time of the event.  Just say when.... I felt kind of hurt / shocked (or whatever the feeling was).  PERIOD.  THATS ALL YOU SHOULD SAY.  Wait for him to respond to your matter-of-fact statement.No matter what his response is, stick to your same message - don't get overwhelmed by trying to rephrase or explain your view as that will likely set you up for continued arguing.  You can even add, "I agree I could have misunderstood  it (event).... I just know it made me feel uneasy."Here you give him little wiggle room for a debate.Good luck & I'd love to hear how it goes!


Input: I feel like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me

Instruction: What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose.

Output: As a relationship therapist I work with a lot of people who feel similar feelings to some degree or another and almost always find that the origin of these feelings point back towards childhood. How did you caregivers express (or not express) love towards you? How did they express (or not express) love towards one another. These early messages become your template for how you have learned to see yourself and what you expect from others. In his book Wired for Love, Stan Tatkin, PsyD writes “We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us. Our self worth and self-esteem also develop because of other people.”  This could be very fruitful to explore in individual therapy with a relationship therapist who really gets it, you may have to interview a few to find the right fit; that's OK. Maybe you'd even want to read that book I linked above. :) Noticing this pattern is HUGE, it's where transformation begins. And now that you have be kind with yourself, it begins there too.


Input: I feel like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me

Instruction: What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose.

Output: I'm sorry you are feeling uncared for. I'm sure there are plenty of people that care and love for you that you are not taking into consideration. Sometimes when we get upset we may think irrationally and see the world as all or nothing. However, take a deep breath, relax and start focusing on the positive relationships you have with others, regardless of how small or insignificant they may seem. I think you will quickly realize there are people out there that care a great deal about you.I also think it would help for you to surround yourself among people who you can identify with and share common interests with. Maybe you can attend a religious service, join an interest group (i.e. reading club, sports group, etc.) or start a group of your own. Most importantly, you need to tap into your interests and surround yourself with things that are beneficial for your own mental and physical health. From this, relationships will start to immerse. You may also like to talk with a therapist regarding your feelings of being unloved. This is an unhealthy way to think of yourself and I think with a little help, you can see that you are more than deserving of a great relationship. Thanks for reaching out and I wish you the best of luck moving forward.


Input: I feel like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me

Instruction: What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose.

Output: What would make you feel no one wants to be with you?


Input: Should I be concerned that my boyfriend will not introduce me to a female friend

Instruction: He goes out with her to dinner/brunch/movies when we are not together (we live 2 hours apart).

Output: Would you have the same desire to meet this friend if she were a he? If you are concerned that their friendship is a substitute for you when you aren't present, talk to him. It sounds like you are concerned that he is building an emotional intimacy with her and spending time doing the sort of things with her that you'd otherwise be doing with him. Help him understand why this bothers you but try to also be open to allowing him to make friends. Is the issue that he hasn't introduced you? Is there another reason you don't trust their friendship?


Input: My relationship feels off and I feel insecure

Instruction: My girlfriend's grandma passed away 5 months ago. They were very close. She took care of her till she died. Things kinda returned to normal few weeks later. Last month it feels like we hit a brick wall. Intimacy fell off. I asked what's up. She says she can't connect with anyone and that it's not me. She used to be very open and expressive. Now she gives short answers and has no interest in sex or any touching. When we did have sex in the last month, something felt really off. Now I'm very insecure about us and have thoughts of her cheating. She says otherwise, but I don't know. It just feels like something is really off.

Output: Grief has a huge impact on us and everyone's reaction is different. The one common reaction however is to shut down and distance ourselves. Her relationship with her grandmother was close, given she took care of her up until she passed. It sounds like she is working through a difficult loss and her ability to connect with you, or anyone else, is likely low right now. Trust what she is telling you and try to be there for her as she works through it. If she finds it too difficult to connect again, a good grief counselor can help her get back on track.


Input: I just found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me

Instruction: He is in his late thirties and I am in my mid twenties. We have been together for about 5 months. I really like him. He says he cares about me and is willing to fight to make things right. He has been very apologetic and expressed he did it out of fear. I don't know if it's worth giving him a second chance.

Output: Cheating is often a sign that something is amiss in the relationship. His fear may be full of information. While it's possible to repair relationships after a betrayal it's also challenging to do, especially so early in your relationship. I can't tell you if you should/shouldn't give this relationship a second chance but I will tell you to tune into your own intuition (and follow your own fears in doing so, they often are incredibly informative when we don't push them away with denial).


Input: I am in my mid-40s and am currently mending a broken heart over another failed relationship

Instruction: I keep getting into relationships with men that are in bad situations. I take them on and help them and do all I can and the relationship still fails. How do I learn to not get in relationships with men in bad situations? I see someone in need of help, I jump in. And it is getting me nowhere. I am alone sad and frustrated.

Output: Sounds like you already see what's amiss. You're looking for fix-er-uppers! When you meet these men they need you. And you're filled by fixing them.  And when they are fixed, what do they have to give you? What's your need in relationship? What if you found someone who didn't need fixing?


Input: I cheated on my husband with one of his good friends a few years ago

Instruction: We kissed and he grabbed my boobs and we exchanged some texts and a few calls. It went on for about 8 months. Just when we were all together and our spouses were out of the room. Once I met him for lunch to tell him that we needed to stop. We ended up kissing after lunch and then I sent him a few more texts that day telling him I was serious and that was the end of it. His wife (my good friend) saw us kiss once and told my husband. I told him a couple of things then and we got over it. A year later she told him a couple of other things. Same story. It's been about 3 years since. They are now divorced and my husband and I have been happy. A few weeks ago the wife called me and said that her now ex told her more stuff we did. I decided to just tell my husband everything. We are trying to work things out. But he is having a really hard time believing that he knows all of it. How can I help him believe me?

Output: The issue at hand here is that you're betrayal broke his trust. In order to repair your relationship you will both need to confront the infidelity. And both of you will need to honor yourselves by communicating your feelings and ensuring that those feelings are heard and validated. It would be really helpful to do this work with a Gottman or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist. Gottman's The Science of Trust and What Makes Love Last would both be helpful reference books to guide you along.


Input: My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago and now he wants me back

Instruction: I'm currently dating someone else and I really like him. But I love and miss my ex so much. What do I do?

Output: Finding the right person is a tricky thing to do. Why did you and your ex break up 3 months ago? In relationships with others you get to see a reflection of yourself. Sometimes you may enjoy that reflection, other times it may not feel so good. I'm not sure where you are in your life and relationships and what you do from here depends on what you desire more of in your life. But I'm not simply talking in the moment desire, I'm referring to the direction you want your life to go. If one of these guys was to support you...who would help you reach your dreams? And who would you enjoy spending time with? It's complicated and no one can answer the 'what to do' question but you. Slow down. Tune into your heart. Listen.


Input: Me and my girlfriend of 7 years are looking for some free couples counseling in Modesto, CA

Instruction: We have been fighting a lot and have 3 kids but we both want to stay together. I need some help to save our family.

Output: Hello, I do not live in the California area. However, perhaps I could make some suggestions as to where you might look for free counseling. First, I must mention that most insurances now cover for many different types of issues, including family issues. If your girlfriend lives with you, most insurances now cover "live-in partners," as well. If you have insurance, contact your policy provider and ask whether or not couples counseling is included.Aside from insurance, the next place that comes to mind is a religious affiliation. Do you belong to a church or other religious organization? Many of the pastors or leaders in these disciplines have significant training in counseling, as well as assisting with marriage and couples counseling. These services are ordinarily offered free of charge to members.Another option might be to explore support groups within the area. There may be a group in the form of a couples support group that brings couples together to explore their relationships in the safety of the group. If you find there are no such groups in your area, there are anonymous, support groups online. Here is one such site: http://relationship.supportgroups.com/


Input: I recently lied to my fiancé about my past

Instruction: I find myself lying about small everyday things that there is really no need to lie about. How do I figure out what triggers me to do this? And how do I help overcome this problem? I would like to become more honest and open no matter the situation.

Output: Well let's start with the awesome realization you've already had, you want to notice that you have triggers. That's huge. Really. I find that when people lie, it's most often as a defense mechanism. Which is likely a flag that something doesn't feel safe. What exactly doesn't feel safe could be lots of different things but the key to notice is that it's that feeling of insecurity that is very likely triggering you. It could really help to explore this with therapist, perhaps even someone with a trauma specialty -- that's not to say this is related to a trauma but more so to suggest that therapists specializing in trauma are very skilled at helping to identify and assist in repatterning your triggers!


Input: How do balance attention between my girlfriend and my dogs?

Instruction: I have dog obsession disorder and I am having problems with my girlfriend because I am placing more importance to my two dogs over her. How do I get over this problem and prioritize my girlfriend over my two dogs?

Output: Hey, dogs are cool. They adore pleasing humans and often LOVE to work on learning what you want and expect from them. Your girlfriend on the other hand, likely has her own desires and needs that she attend to before tuning into yours. You are good with dogs, that tells me that you've spent some time observing their behavior. The first step in working through this issue would be similar, start to tune into and observe your girlfriend more often... Observation is a skill when it comes to relationship building. The skills you have mastered in relating with your dogs can carry over, you will just have to relearn what behaviors you are watching. And keep in mind that also means observing yourself in relationships.


Input: I have been in a relationship for a year and 7 months these few weeks have been bad

Instruction: He's been losing feelings and he doesn't know why. I love him very very much. He sometimes thinks I'm obsessed when I'm not at all. I give him his space and I make sure he's okay but sometimes I think if me and him saw each other more it would be better? I truly want me and him to get better, it's kind of hard not to stress about it, because the love of my life is losing feelings which is a sad feeling. He's a great guy! I just don't know why he's been losing feelings towards me. He's starting to put less effort in talking to me. At this point I'll do anything to just make us better as a couple. I tried talking to him but he doesn't like talking about it much. Advice on what to do?

Output: I'm willing to bet that this isn't what you are hoping to hear, but I'd suggest giving him space. Ooph, that's a tough one, right?! I know. But here's the thing, when you keep trying to process and talk it out with him you keep pushing him away. He needs to feel like a solid and whole person (as you do too) to be able to be fully in your relationship. It's the work of being in relationship to learn this. I get that this is tough stuff. I wonder, outside of being with him, how do you soothe and calm yourself? That's the stuff for you to tune into and focus on right now.


Input: I'm having a lot of conflict in my relationship

Instruction: We do communicate but one of us has trouble accepting what the other person says. How can I fix things?

Output: Being able to accept your partner's influence is a key relationship skill. And it's very two sided.  Chances are if you don't feel your partner is being influenced by you, they likely don't feel you are being influenced by them either. The best fix you can practice is to soften yourself into your partner and see how much more open you can be to their influence.  Play with it.


Input: How do I start talking again after a fight?

Instruction: I haven't uttered one word to my boyfriend in days. Now I'm over it and don't know how to approach the situation?

Output: In any relationship, it is important to be able to say "I'm sorry" because it shows vulnerability and openness. I recommend that you sit and have a discussion with him now that you are calm about why you were upset and how you would like to handle such incidents in the future. If you find yourself becoming upset again, I encourage you to take a 20 minute break and then come back to the conversation once you are no longer heated. Studies show that talking or discussing arguments are more effective once you have cooled down and you are more likely to hear/understand what your partner is trying to convey.


Input: Why do I keep getting with men that emotionally abuse me?

Instruction:
I've been abused emotionally all of my life and for some reason I keep getting with men that I let emotionally abused me.
 How can I stop it? I know the mistakes that I've made in my life. I'm having a really hard time getting back on my feet. Can you help me please?

Output: I want to applaud you for taking this first step towards realizing that this is an issue and wanting to do something about it.  You are already on the road to a happier life with this realization.  A lot of women do not recognize that it may be something about them that continues to attract a man like this and will only blame it on the men for treating them that way.  Until you realize there is a problem you won’t start looking for a solution.Don’t misunderstand me!  The abuse is not your fault! You are seeing a pattern, though, so this does need to be addressed. First, go and buy the book “Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin” by Anne Katherine.  Read it.  This book describes many situations that are similar to yours, describes how a person came to be that way, and how to stop it.  You will have to learn to set good boundaries in your life and to maintain them.Be single for a while.  Stay single until you feel like a whole, healthy, happy person on your own.  Often we get in a relationship because of a need.  If you feel like you need a person in your life to make you a whole person then you are in a relationship for the wrong reasons.  The first step is to work on whatever it is in you that makes you feel like you need another person in your life.  Identify those needs and then learn to fulfill them on your own.I was doing a couples therapy session and the husband was being emotionally abusive to the wife.  This was a recurrent theme for her, like you are saying it is for you.  However, she had been doing a lot of work on her own and in private therapy, and this was a new relationship.  Obviously she still had not “gotten it right” because she did once again attract a man with these tendencies.  The difference this time was that she had done a lot of work on herself and had become a stronger person.  When she looked at him in our session and said to him “I don’t need you. I want you.  But not if you are going to continue to act like this.  So you leave the house and don’t come back until you are ready to make some changes.”  She stuck to that, too.  He didn’t leave for two more days because he kept telling her he would do different and begging to be allowed to stay.  She had drawn a boundary and stuck to it, and he left. She was fully prepared to be single again.  They actually did end up working things out in the end.You can’t let someone stay and continue to treat you badly.  Sure, a marriage takes work and compromise on both sides.  Couples therapy can help you both learn to communicate in a healthier way with each other and can help you realize what areas in the relationship need work.  You may not realize how some of the things you say to him comes across, and he may not realize how what he says does to you.  A therapist can help you with this so that you both learn how your words can hurt. But you need to know your boundaries and be prepared to stick to them and not compromise your boundaries.  That means following through on the threat to leave when he continues to abuse you.  Someone can’t do that if they are too scared to be alone.  If they feel they need the other person in their life. These patterns are developed in early childhood from what we learn from our parents.  When someone has grown up in a dysfunctional family, it is all they know.  Even when you can say that you realize it is a problem, you still don’t know how to stop it because you never learned any other way of interacting with people.  Something that took a lifetime to learn will take time and work to overcome.  Be patient with yourself and find a good therapist.  You can’t change your partner.  Work on you, and when you begin to heal and feel healthy, the right people will come into your life and stay.  The more you focus on trying to change the wrong ones to be what you want the more frustrated you will become.


Input: How do I choose between two guys?

Instruction: I have been with a guy for 4 years, he's a great guy and we also have a son together. The problem is that I'm in love with a guy that I've been talking to for about 2 years but I've never met him in person. Honestly I'm bored with the relationship I have with the first guy and he makes want to go after the second guy, I don't know how to tell him that. What should I do?

Output: Hi there. Wow, this sounds like a sticky situation; however, I’m here to help guide you through this decision. First and foremost, you must ask yourself, if you ever loved your sons’ father or was it a situation to where you two got pregnant and stayed together for the child. It’s very common to stay with your partner when a child is involved regardless, if love is involved or not because “it’s the right thing to do.” Right? Well, not entirely. Although, staying with your partner because you have a child together may seem right, in fact, it hurts the child in the long run. If you are not love with your partner, you will show distance, unhappiness, sadness, possibility of frequent arguments and cheating. When a child grows up in the home and witnesses these types of emotions & behaviors it is unhealthy as he/she will expect their own relationships to be such. As a responsible adult, you are supposed to be there to shape and model the future for your child. Just remember, what you do, your child will model. Secondly, do not sell yourself short from love. Everyone deserves to be happy and to have someone to share their love and intimacy with. However, being in love with someone you have never seen before can be very risky. Honestly, that sounds like lust and the longing of love. Humans have needs and when people are unhappy in their current relationship, they often seek out what they need. If you decide to pursue the second relationship, I would suggest setting up an outing with a friend or two in order to get to know this person as there are a lot of scammers these days. Finally, I am not convinced that this has anything to do with choosing between two guys. This seems as if you are making a decision to end the relationship with your child’s father or not. You should ask yourself, if you were in love with your child’s father first off. If you were, you would have never sought after love. I hope this was helpful for you and I hope I was able to shed a different light on your situation. Take care of yourself!


Input: Dealing with an unfaithful and judgmental significant other

Instruction: I have been with this guy on and off for 8 years. At first, we used to do things together and our sex life was ok. Then things started to change, we'd break up and reconnect, and he cheated on me numerous times. We've also had two beautiful baby girls during this time. Now we argue and he says I am not affectionate at all or I don't know how to please a man, when I work part-time, take care of a 2 year old and a 5 month old and cook. Sometimes he cooks, but he also spends a lot of time on the internet. In addition, I have 2 boys and he has 1 son. I feel somewhere I have lost something. It's not that I don’t care, I truly love this guy, but I'm just tired of being the one who is always being judged. Please, I am in need of a Christian counselor to help us because I really need to speak to someone.

Output: I don't think you’ve lost something, I think you’ve found something - your breaking point, and it's about time. Your boyfriend seems to be a very selfish and immature man who reconnects with you when it's convenient for him. Obviously, he has his own issues, but I want to address yours. I agree you need to talk to someone. The fact that you’ve put up with his repeated cheating and then letting him blame you for it (by saying you're not affectionate enough, etc.), tells me you probably have low self-esteem and have likely told yourself over the years that you don't deserve any better. You do! You may truly love this guy, but based on his behaviors, he does not love you, not in the way you deserve.  And although you may want to believe he can change, he has proved over and over again that he's not willing to, so you need to do what is best for you and your children. What would you tell your daughters if someone was treating them this way? Would you want your sons to treat women this way? That's what you're teaching your children when they see this.Like I said, I agree that you should talk to someone. You can ask your boyfriend to go too, but my guess is he won't. Even if he does, you should still see someone individually to work on YOU. I understand it's not easy to just kick him out, especially since you have children together, but a counselor can help you talk through all the details while helping you raise your self-esteem and self-worth.


Input: My girlfriend broke up with me but I want her back. What do I do?

Instruction: Me and my girlfriend just broke up. She said she loves me but is not in love anymore. This came out of nowhere. We seemed so happy together. It all started when she went to Missouri to visit her family. The first week she was there she was fine then once she went to this one sister’s house everything changed. That's when she told me she loved me but was not in love with me anymore. I thought maybe it was just because she missed her family and she just wanted to be home because she told me that she could not leave them again. Then she told me to come to her in Missouri. So that's what I did. I quit my job I dropped everything, said goodbye to my family in Florida and drove 15 straight hours to be with her. Once I got there everything was fine again.  She apologized for everything and said she didn't mean any of it then we were good for about a week. Then she went back to saying she didn’t love me anymore and had no feelings for me. The only thing that really gets me and makes me not want to accept this is that now she is pregnant. This wasn’t an accident. We were trying to get pregnant, so all this is hard to accept. I love her so much. I have never been bad to her. I've treated her the best I can. I wanted her to be my wife. I was going to propose to her when she got back. Now I'm losing my family and my mind. I don't know what to do.

Output: I am sorry to hear of these troubles. I see a few issues here. I wonder why you were both trying to get pregnant when the relationship seemed troubled? Some people think that they can fix a broken relationship by getting pregnant, and all this does is bring up more problems.You say you never treated her badly, and I believe you. People in a relationship can still be unhappy even when there is no abuse or mistreatment going on. In fact, giving too much of yourself to the relationship and not having a “self” outside of this relationship can be unhealthy. It takes two whole, healthy, happy people who are that way when they are single to come together to make a whole, healthy, happy couple in a relationship. Expecting your partner to meet all your needs or to provide your happiness is not going to work.There are two books that I recommend you buy and read. One is Codependent No More. The other is Can My Relationship Be Saved?Sometimes when you cling and try even harder to hold onto someone, it makes you both miserable. You cannot change her and cannot change her mind. Sometimes the best thing is to let go. If it is meant to be, you will end up back together again. It seems like this is something that she needs to decide since she is the one that keeps doing the leaving. I suggest backing off and letting her go. Maybe she needs time to clear her head and make up her mind. If it is meant to be, she will come back. If not, use this time to work on being a healthy happy you on your own.


Input: I crossdress and I don't know how to feel about it

Instruction: I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.

Output: Let yourself enjoy crossdressing!What sounds in your way are whatever beliefs you gre up hearing, see and absorb currently.Concentrate on your own satisfaction and that you are doing this in a non-harming way.Maybe if you branch out your interest by finding other people who enjoy crossdressing as much as you do.With any interest or activity, social interaction supports it.


Input: I crossdress and I don't know how to feel about it

Instruction: I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.

Output: Normalizing cross-dressing and being open and accepting about who you are.   Consider your personal reasons for crossdressing, perhaps to release stress, embrace your feminine side (we all have feminine and masculine energy), and decide for yourself if it is or it is not for sexual stimulation.


Input: I crossdress and I don't know how to feel about it

Instruction: I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.

Output:
Hi there! It sounds like you have already started to answer
your own question by stating that you love cross dressing very much, and I am
glad you enjoy it! Cross dressing is something many people enjoy, and there is
no harm in it whatsoever. My question to you would be: What is making you feel torn
about it? There is unfortunately still a lot of negative stigma associated with
people who express their gender or sexuality in ways that differ from the
majority. (And sometimes certain sexual interests are actually very common or
even in the majority, but because people carry shame about being different when
it comes to gender and sexuality we assume we are all alone!)Being a sexual or gender minority or someone who
participates in kink or expresses their sexuality or gender identity in a
unique and personal way often means suffering from something called
"internalized oppression". We grow up being exposed to certain
assumptions and beliefs about what is "acceptable" behavior and even
face consequences sometimes if we don't "fit in" the way others tell
us to. Even if those assumptions are harmful and wrong, we still internalize
them and feel guilty about who we are. There is nothing wrong with us, but
feeling stigmatized and isolated can lead to feelings of shame, embarrassment,
or like something is "wrong" with us.But there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, so be proud
of who you are and what you enjoy. You can continue to simply enjoy it
privately, or maybe you'd eventually like to share it with a partner or maybe
even join a community with similar interests. I'll leave you with a quote from
comedian Eddie Izzard, who identifies as, in his own words, a "straight
transvestite": "They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I
bought them!" Take care, and thanks for your question!


Input: I crossdress and I don't know how to feel about it

Instruction: I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.

Output: If you enjoy cross-dressing and are comfortable with how you feelaand aware of your own thoughts and feelings about it in private as compared to in public,  I see no problem with that.If you would like to become more comfortable with it or express more feelings about it, I recommend that you  see a local mental health professional, not because there is anything wrong with what you are doing, but so you can learn more about yourself in the process. You may find  that doing this in private and having a partner  who accepts that is your view of how you would like things to be. You may discover that you would like to do this in public.I appreciate your honesty.


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: I frequently work with individuals who develop same-sex attraction later in life. Humans have a tendency to think of things in absolutes. Black or white. Good or bad. Gay or straight. In fact, much of life is lived in the "grey" that lies in between the extremes. This is especially true of sexual orientation which is fluid and occurs along a spectrum. As someone ages and grows, their sexual interests may change. I would encourage you to speak to a therapist who specializes in working with LGBTQ+ individuals. They will have the experience necessary to help you navigate these issues.


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: What most people don't know is that sexual preferences can be fluid, meaning our sexual orientation is not as fixed as most people believe.  Women in particular tend to be more fluid in their desire to express and experience sex.  It is not uncommon for heterosexual women in their mid-life to explore new sexual appetites.  That said, men tend to be more rigid in their orientations particularly if they are hetero while gay men tend to be more fluid.  So if your distress is over your new interests I would tell you, you are not alone and not abnormal.  Since you have started exploring, enjoy and consider seeing a therapist to help you navigate your feelings around this new sexual life! Warm wishes.


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: Sexuality, sexual orientation is not permanently fixed. What worked or described you at one point could change. As we grow and evolve some things about us that were once true sometimes becomes no longer true.  Change and evolution are natural. Self-acceptance is integral, loving yourself and embracing yourself as you grow, change evolve is paramount.


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: It sounds like this revelation has rocked your sense of yourself, which is understandable. There are no rules about who we are attracted to, who we may choose to be intimate with, and who we may choose to love. Although this is changing (thankfully), our culture has provided limited openly acceptable options for all of these; asking us to generally fit into a heteronormative model. From my perspective supporting a variety of kinds of couples, it doesn't mater whether you had other inclinations that have been suppressed or if you are discovering something new about yourself. I support you (and all my clients) in accepting yourself as you are in this moment. It can be okay if that is scary or uncomfortable; it makes sense if it's new. It's also okay to find support with trusted friends, LGBTQ+ friendly organizations, or a therapist. I wish you all the best on whatever comes next for you.


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: Sexuality is fluid. One can be interested in same gender relationship after being straight fr 40years !


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: That's a loaded question, but to answer with a short answer, I'd say, it's because you are. Get in with someone to explore more of that why and what you want to do with where you are now. Hope that helps!


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with us. The wonderful thing about humans is that we are continually growing and changing. During that growth and change, we may uncover things such as an attraction to the same sex. This is perfectly normal within the lifespan of humans. The one question to ask, is how do you feel about it? If you are comfortable with this new facet of yourself then embrace it for all it is. On the other hand, if you are struggling to accept this within yourself it may benefit you to find a counselor who specializes in sexuality. I wish you the best on your journey. Namaste


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: Numerous studies have found that sexuality is fluid and it evolves over time. Sexual orientation is very much a spectrum that one can move around in time. It does not mean there is anything wrong with you or that you necessarily have been hiding "in the closet" all this time. Your sexuality is unique to you. There is nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality as long as everyone is on the same page. I always recommend practicing safe sex too!


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: Sexuality is normally formed during adolescence. It would be extremely rare for someone to develop feelings of same-sex attraction later in life. I would explore whether the attraction you are experiencing is sexually-based or intimacy-based. Perhaps you are craving a close, emotionally intimate relationship with the same-sex, but have somehow sexualized that desire. People often short-cut emotional intimacy for sexual intimacy. This would be something to explore with a counselor.


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: Few people are actually 100% straight or 100% gay.  Sexual preference exists on a continuum. Over the course of many years a person's sexual preference may shift.


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: Sexuality is fluid. It is possible to find yourself attracted sexually or affectionally to different types of people at different times in your life.


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: During these encounters did you feel safe? accepted? Where you able to experience something new in your life? It is natural to feel attraction to all people. As young children we love everyone. It was as we got older that the social constructs had us make a "choice". It could have been that you were always attracted to the same sex, but now are allowing yourself to feel and explore. But also know that life is interesting as we grow and mature we find that we like things we never liked before, things we said we would never do now seem appealing. What is the story you are telling yourself about having these interests? Try to not overthink your attractions. See where they take you. You are on a journey to discover yourself.


Input: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?

Instruction: After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Output: There are many possible answers to your question.The best one will be the one you decide after reflecting on your own reasoning as to your sexual attraction change.Sometimes people inhibit their sexuality bc of fear others will disapprove.  Currently since in most circles being gay is acceptable, the conditions are much easier now to come out.Maybe this describes you.How happy are you in your marriage?Sometimes people find it easier to discover a sudden change in their sexuality than to face painful emotions in an existing marriage.These are only two theoretical possibilities and may not even reflect your own.What matters is your self-discovery and that you trust your findings as the answer to your question.


Input: How do I know what my sexual orientation is?

Instruction: I'm a girl, and I can't tell whether I'm bisexual or gay. I like girls a little more than boys, but I don't really know.

Output: I think longevity has a lot to do with arriving at a clear answer.Its ok to not know and while you don't know, read, join groups which discuss the topic, and most valuable, pay attention to the way you actually feel around girls, how being approached and approaching girls feels, and whether this feels about the same as when you are around boys.Eventually the question will answer itself.Try to avoid deciding a conclusion until your heart feels ready to tell you a clear answer.


Input: How do I know what my sexual orientation is?

Instruction: I'm a girl, and I can't tell whether I'm bisexual or gay. I like girls a little more than boys, but I don't really know.

Output: I would ask you, "do you feel like you need to come up with a label?" Is there something about identifying as one or the other that would be helpful for you? From what current science has told us about sexual orientation, it's a spectrum. There are people on the spectrum who are clearly gay, or clearly heterosexual, and then there is everyone in between, which includes being "bisexual" (which I guess in the spectrum would be smack in the middle?)It may be too early for you to identify as any one thing on that spectrum (as you say, "but I don't really know"), or maybe as you move through life you just won't identify as any one thing, and that's totally okay. The most important thing, in my professional opinion, is to accept yourself, fully, for whatever it is that you are. The second most important thing, in my professional opinion too, is to be honest with yourself and your partners about however you do identify your sexual orientation.


Input: How do I know what my sexual orientation is?

Instruction: I'm a girl, and I can't tell whether I'm bisexual or gay. I like girls a little more than boys, but I don't really know.

Output: Sexual orientation is not always something that is clearly definable. Some people look at it on a continuum where being attracted to only boys is at one end, only girls is at the other, and bisexual is in the middle. Anywhere in between those points can be any amount of attraction to boys or girls.If you don't know whether you are gay or bisexual, that is okay. A lot of people don't know for quite some time. In addition to that, after people do know who they are attracted to, a lot of times they do not use the terms "gay" or "bisexual" for quite a while.It's okay not to know.Think about what sorts of expectations you have for your ideal relationship. Some examples may include trust, respect, availability for conversation or connection, etc. Whatever it is that you find important in a relationship is likely what matters most.If you are struggling with learning what it is that you would like in a relationship or any other feelings connected with what you are thinking and feeling, I would suggest connecting with a local therapist so you have a place to talk about what you are experiencing.


Input: My wife outed me to her sister

Instruction: What should I do when we see each other?

Output: I am so sorry this happened.  Sharing a part of your private life without your permission can be so painful.  I might suggest (depending on your relationship) reaching out to your sister and discussing this (or setting boundary that you don't want to discuss your private life).  I might also speak with your wife and share how hurt you are and what you need to happen moving forward to begin to heal.


Input: My wife outed me to her sister

Instruction: What should I do when we see each other?

Output: Echoing others here, I'm sorry, she shouldn't have. Hopefully, you will have a conversation (or, in reality, several conversations) about relationship expectations of privacy~ Are there things your wife would prefer you not share with her family? Without exploring what is or isn't okay through healthy dialog, it's entirely possible she felt her sister was 'in the circle' of people she could share this with. All that said, though ... now that you've been outed, you have an opportunity to be more authentically you: what will you do with it?


Input: My wife outed me to her sister

Instruction: What should I do when we see each other?

Output: I am so sorry that this happened.  Nobody deserves to be outed without their permission.  I would encourage you to get in touch with someone who is supportive and accepting and plan to touch base with them after you see your wife's sister.  You can also plan to take some time for self care after you see her.  For example, if you enjoy bike rides, plan on taking a bike ride afterward.  Plan to do something that feels nurturing and caring.  Best of luck!


Input: What does it mean that I feel like different genders?

Instruction: I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.

Output: Hi, as an affirming gender therapist I like to let people know that like sexuality, gender is a spectrum too.  It's possible to look like a girl and feel more like a boy, just as it's possible to feel halfway between a boy and a girl, or anywhere else on a horizontal line with two points between it.  Some people use different pronouns or words to express their gender and that's okay.  It's up to you to find out what is most comfortable.


Input: What does it mean that I feel like different genders?

Instruction: I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.

Output: If you're feeling like your gender is different than the gender you are born with, and there are many different terms to help describe that. Gender is actually looked at on a spectrum. Transgender is just one of those terms, but looking at the information here may help: http://www.transequality.org/about-transgender. I'm not saying that you should use the term transgender to describe yourself because that may not accurately describe what you are experiencing, but I'm just trying to point you to some more resources.As for what to say to someone who asks your gender, that becomes a question with a lot of different parts. This is probably something that would be best talked out with someone else who you trust. I don't know whether that is your family, friends, and mental health professional, and member of the clergy, or someone else. There are many different things than you could say and they are all related to how much you already to share with other people about how you feel regarding your gender.Generally, I would suggest it would be important to become comfortable with how you feel yourself and possibly tell some people whom you really trust first. Also consider that once you tell someone something, it's not possible to undo it, so if you tell someone, they may tell someone else. Then there is also the matter of people having very different reactions related to different genders and not everyone will be supportive. I hope that you are able to surround yourself with some people who are willing to understand and work through this with you so that you have some ideas how to react if you come across someone who does not understand.Please remember that there is always someone to talk with.


Input: What does it mean that I feel like different genders?

Instruction: I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.

Output: I agree with Sherry, it is OK to give the answer that you feel most familiar with.  The most important part is not who people think you are, but that you know who you are.  Read about gender identity and fluidity.  Discovering the answer is a process, don't rush it to comply with others either way.  If you feel that this is a constant issue that keeps you awake and keeps you from enjoying your life, consider going to a therapist to discuss your feelings and concerns. ¿Qué significa que yo me sienta como diferentes géneros?Nací como niña. Me veo como niño.  A veces siento como una variación diferente de género.  No sé qué decirle a otros cuando pregunta que soy.  Me siento confuso y solo digo mi genero de nacimiento. Estoy de acuerdo con Sherry, está bien dar la respuesta que se sienta más cómoda.  La parte más importante no es quien las otras personas piensen que eres, sino quien tú piensas que eres.  Lee sobre el tema de identidad de género y fluidez de género.  Descubrir tu género puede ser un proceso, no lo apresures para complacer a otras personas.  Si sientes que este tema te esta quitando el sueno y te impide disfrutar tu vida, habla con tu consejero sobre tus sentimientos y preocupaciones.


Input: What does it mean that I feel like different genders?

Instruction: I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.

Output: It is ok to tell someone who is casually asking about your gender, what is written on your birth certificate. Measure the significance of your answer to the significance of the person who is asking you the question.In addition, you are stating the simple truth, so there's nothing wrong with stating what is on your birth certificate.Do you understand the reason of why people are asking about your gender?It is not a common question, so I wonder about the context in which this happens.The whole field of gender identity is extremely popular now.Popular usually means people are swept into a trend just because it is in the air, not because they've given the time and seriousness to thoughtfully consider if the trend has anything to do with them personally.Keep open minded to who you are, including if you are truly a different gender than the one you're born into.It is a very complicated question and lately people, especially teens, are answering it much more rapidly than seems possible to fully consider.


Input: I’m afraid that I’m gay

Instruction: I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. I’ve never thought about men until a week ago. I’m very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that I’m not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time.

Output: Are you able to give yourself some peace of mind while you take the time to further address whether or not you are gay?Whether or not and to what degree a person accepts their sexuality, depends on dense factors such as the culture of your family, the beliefs about gay people with which you were brought up, and your own tolerance for being a unique individual.Examining these factors, whether inwardly by yourself, in online blogs and sites, or live with other people, requires patience and effort.The more you are willing to commit to figuring out your own truth, the greater is your chance of finding it!


Input: I’m afraid that I’m gay

Instruction: I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. I’ve never thought about men until a week ago. I’m very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that I’m not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time.

Output: Hello. Coming to terms with the idea that you might be of a sexuality other than the one in which you were socially raised to be, can be emotionally disturbing, and quite unsettling. It creates anxiety, maybe even panic, and leaves us feeling confused and uncertain about our own sense of identity. It becomes important to first ask yourself how you feel when you are thinking of being intimate with guys, or if you desire them to be intimate with you. It is important to know what impact this has on you, because it can determine your level of follow through and desire in pursuing sexual activity with someone of the same sex. I am not going to pass judgment on you either way - even for having the thoughts. I have worked with the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (LGBTQ) community in various ways over the years. Many I speak to, say they had to struggle to come to terms with this awareness about how they see themselves sexually. Maybe you are bisexual, and don't have an exclusive attraction to the same sex. You might consider doing some searches online for community support groups in your area, to explore the feelings and issues around this topic. Talking to someone who you trust can be helpful too. Running from your feelings is not a good idea, and others in a support group for sexuality issues, might be able to relate to you and what you're going through right now. This will offer you perspective, as you think on how this plays out in your life.Counselors are typically well trained to provide clinical services to clients who are experiencing feelings and thoughts much like the ones you are having now. I encourage you to consider reaching out for help. You are not crazy or insane for thinking of working with a counselor, nor of having feelings of same sex attraction. If you decide you are indeed gay, then know that you are not alone and never will be alone in that feeling. There is a huge community of support for you. Additionally, we all need help sometimes dealing with all sort of issues. A counselor can work more in depth with you to examine the motivations behind the feelings, and help you come to terms with them more directly. I hope that you come to a place where you feel less alone and more secure with yourself as you examine this area of your life. No matter what, do not fear being yourself. Again...you are not alone, I promise.Warm regards,Shawn Berthel, M.S., LMHC


Input: I’m afraid that I’m gay

Instruction: I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. I’ve never thought about men until a week ago. I’m very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that I’m not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time.

Output: Hi Brookfield, It can be unsettling when we feel something as fundamental as our sexual orientation shifting. I like that you're honest enough with yourself to say "I'm struggling with this". To accept that there is a question is a brave place to be. And...it doesn't necessarily mean you're gay.Unfortunately, we live in a culture that wants to put people in slots...male or female, straight or gay...we tend to not like those grey areas so much as a culture. The truth is that, if we grew up in a society where there wasn't this categorization...if we felt free to explore and grow sexually, we might be surprised at who we are attracted to. You don't have to put yourself in a slot. Our sexual preferences are more fluid than we think, and it can change over time.We also live in a culture where there is prejudice against homosexuality or "differentness" in general. The wish to not be gay can be powerful. Many people who are gay spend years believing they were heteroxual...fighting against, repressing  or ignoring their gay thoughts. This is needless pain. If you are gay, there is no shame in that and you can still have a glorious life filled with love and passion.Having said all that...just because you have thoughts about men or get turned on by gay porm doesn't mean you're gay. Many heterosexual people have thoughts and fantasies about the same sex; it's arousing because it's naughty...we're curious about the forbidden, or we're just curious. Becoming aroused by gay porn is normal for many heterosexual men. Sexual orientation isn't just about sex either. A different gauge of who you are sexually can be found in your emotions towards men or women. Are you drawn into emotional connections with men more than women? Who do you feel the urge to explore and be close to?Exploring your sexuality through being open to different experiences can help too. How does it feel to kiss a man, to touch a man, as compared with a woman...sometimes this feels like such a big and forbidden step that it's a barrier to discovering ourselves. We don't want to open that door. I wish you well as you do exactly what you are supposed to be doing...exploring and discovering yourself. It's an exciting journey and you might want to find a trusted person to talk more about this with.


Input: I'm going through dysphoria

Instruction: I have always wanted to have a transition from male to female for some time now. This issue has persisted for 10 years already but I don't know where to start. I do not have the soundest information either.

Output: Wonderful!  I am so excited for you.  What a huge decision.  I am writing from Toronto Canada so it is hard for me to direct you specifically.  I would start with two things 1) Find a doctor that is comfortable perscribing hormones and 2) find a Counsellor or Therapist that is transgender specialized.  They will know how transitioning works in your health care system and other supports as well.  Google is a wonderful way to find these resources.   I wish you well. Thanks for writing!


Input: I'm starting to believe that I'm gay

Instruction: In middle school and high school, my friends and family thought I was gay. I tried telling them, but they wouldn’t believe me. It almost feels like they wanted me to be. Now I’m actually starting to believe them. I know I wasn’t back then, and now I’m not sure anymore.

Output: I agree with Amy. We get a lot of pressure from others and even ourselves to define who we are and what we want at a pretty early age. The truth is, our sexuality can change and grow in directions we never imagined. I may be wrong, but I am getting the impression that you may not want to be gay. That this is something you didn't like others suggesting and now you are uncomfortable with the idea that it may be true. This would certainly be understandable. Your sexuality is YOURS and yours alone. It can be quite frustrating and hurful when others try to define who you are. And it can be equally frustrating when you are trying to figure it out for yourself. The truth is that there are many different possibilities when it comes to sexual orientation. It may help to think about what qualities you find attractive. What kind of person can you see yourself being attracted to? Someone smart? Funny? Loves dogs? If you look for these qualities in a person they may lead you to being attracted to someone of the same sex, but maybe not. At least you would be choosing someone based on values and qualities that you love and admire. Another idea is to chat with a counselor, if you are interested. Preferrably one who has done some training in affirmative therapy. Be well and be you..Robin  J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


Input: I'm starting to believe that I'm gay

Instruction: In middle school and high school, my friends and family thought I was gay. I tried telling them, but they wouldn’t believe me. It almost feels like they wanted me to be. Now I’m actually starting to believe them. I know I wasn’t back then, and now I’m not sure anymore.

Output: Use this time to explore who you are...imagine what your life would be like if you were gay and not, ask yourself what is different? What scenario do you find yourself gravitating to?  What is important is that you are happy. My message to you is that you do not need to define yourself with your sexual preference or feel the need to label yourself, especially if you are confused and exploring what your sexual preference is.


Input: Am I gay if I like neither girls nor guys?

Instruction: I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?

Output: It doesn't sound like you are finding yourself attracted to anyone.  It could mean that you just haven't connected with anyone you find attractive, or that you are asexual - essentially not oriented toward anyone.  I would suggest doing some reading on asexuality and see if it connects to how you feel!


Input: Am I gay if I like neither girls nor guys?

Instruction: I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?

Output: Hi, and thanks for your question. I agree with my colleagues about researching asexuality, but I want too add a couple of things about that:Here is a website that you can start with to get some information about asexuality - http://www.asexuality.org/home/There are a whole lot of myths surrounding asexuality. One is that people who are asexual have absolutely no interest in sex, and that is not always the case. There are variations of asexuality. Some people who are asexual have an interest in sex and others don't. Also, once you read more on this topic, you may find that you don't connect with asexuality either, and that is okay. Our society usually thinks of sexual orientations as only being straight, gay, lesbian, or bisexual, but the truth is there are many variations of sexual orientations. Keep exploring. There is a good chance that there is a community of people who feel like you do. Finally, labels are important for a lot of things, but labeling ourselves can sometimes lead to some painful feelings. Try not to feel pressured to label yourself too quickly. This is your journey. Your experience. Take all the time you need. You may never feel the need to label how you feel, and that is okay, too. Hope this helps. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


Input: Am I gay if I like neither girls nor guys?

Instruction: I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?

Output: No, it does not necessarily.  Your sexual preference is based on who you ARE attracted to, not what does not turn you on.  If you find you have no sex drive at all, this is called asexual.  But you did not mention what you do find arrousing either.  Hope this helps.


Input: How can I deal with gender dysphoria in a positive way?

Instruction:
I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it.
 My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?

Output: Hi. It can be difficult to handle such a transition on your own. I work with clients to understand their needs and wants. This can involve how to communicate effectively with friends, family, and other loved ones; or, learning how to have self-acceptance. I strongly recommend speaking with a licensed clinician one on one to help facilitate the change you are looking for.


Input: How can I deal with gender dysphoria in a positive way?

Instruction:
I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it.
 My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?

Output: Hello, and thank you for your question. I am so glad that you reached out for help. I know that the dysphoria can feel nearly impossible to handle, especially since you have limited support from people who accept who you are. You may already know some of these resources, but I am going to share a few. 1. The website www.letsqueerthingsup.com is a blog from a very good writer that I know. His name is Sam Dylan Finch, and he is transgender. He writes about mental health, transgender issues, and many other topics. I know he has frequently written about gender dysphoria and ways to manage it. You may want to check out his site and do a search on there. 2. The website www.everydayfeminism.com employs many transgender writers and several have written about gender dysphoria and have given ideas for managing it. If you search for gender dysphoria on their site, many articles pop up. It may be a good resource for you, especially if you ever feel lonely and start to forget that there are others out there who are like you and have your back. 3. I am not sure where you live, but there are counselors who specialize in affirmative therapy, which is what is recommended for folks who are part of the LGBTQ community. So, if you decide to see a counselor about the dysphoria, try to find one that specifically says they have been trained in the affirmative approach. In addition, feel free to ask questions of the counselor before agreeing to see them for counseling. An ethical counselor would have no problem answering them before having you come in. 4. If there are some LGBTQ resource centers in your area, try to reach out to them and see if there are support groups. Gaining more support from others would be helpful. Sometimes LGBTQ-friendly counselors leave their contact information for people in resource centers. 5. Finally, I know you have not mentioned being depressed or suicidal, but I also know that it is very common for people to consider suicide when they are struggling with dysphoria, dealing with transphobia, etc. If this ever happens to you, please call 911 or the Trans Lifeline. It's free at 877-565-8860. Visit their site at www.translifeline.org. I hope some of these ideas help. Feel free to send another message if you have a follow-up question.Be well....be YOU.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


Input: How can I deal with gender dysphoria in a positive way?

Instruction:
I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it.
 My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?

Output: This is a difficult situation to be in, as it sounds like you are feeling very isolated from both your family and your friends.   I don't know your age or gender so please excuse any incorrect assumptions about you being under 18 and use what is useful from the ideas if you are older.  One idea is to research online to find a therapist or a local clinic that has a therapist who is a "Gender Therapist" or a "Gender Specialist."  Most therapists who are transgender affirmative also have other specialties and do general therapy.  Though I don't think lying to your parents is a good idea, if you feel you truly can't talk to them about your gender, then perhaps you can find a therapist with a specialization in gender identity who can help you cope with your gender dysphoria.  You can let your parents know that you would like to see that particular therapist for other reasons, such as anxiety/worry, and that you researched them and liked their website.  Work to find a therapist who takes your parents insurance if you can.  You can also talk to the therapist on the phone first, before you talk to your parents about scheduling the first therapy visit. Therapists can help you learn some ways to manage feelings of worry, shame, and fear related to gender dysphoria. Depending on your family situation, many therapists will work to help you learn skills to safely communicate with your parents about what is troubling you.  Your parents may actually surprise you and be more accepting than you think.  Usually when parents learn that you are suffering, they want to be open to learning how they can help you, even if awkwardly at first.Reframing is a tool that helps you think about your situation from other perspectives.  It's kind of how you can look at the same picture with a different picture frame and it makes the same picture look a little different.   Keep in mind your situation is probably temporary and think about in the context of your whole long life (can you tolerate another 2 to 4 years living like you are if you have another X number of years to live?).  If you are living at home, you will eventually be more independent and be able to make more of your decisions about your gender expression. Keep the idea in mind the concept that is popular in mindfulness classes I teach, that "This too shall pass" or "This is only for now" when you start to feel hopeless. If you start to over focus on your gender or body issues, try to distract yourself with things that make you feel happy (your pet, music, art, sports etc) or stay busy.  If you can, find any GSA or LGBTIQQ youth group that you can attend confidentially, further away from home, to get some support.  Work to find an ally, one person, that you can talk to about what you are feeling. Making new friends online through social media can sometimes be a start in breaking down the isolation you feel. Another idea, if you are under 24 years old, there is a phone line (866-488-7386)  to call in case you are ever feeling you are in crisis.  You can also text chat! Trevor Project: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/There is also a trans teen online chat group if you are 12-19 http://www.glbthotline.org/transteens.htmlIf you are an adult you can get numbers to call in your state if you start to feel suicidal:http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/Day to day, can you creatively work on your gender dysphoria?  Yes!  Are there ways you can focus on parts of your body you love?  Can you focus on that when you look in the mirror?  Are you a writer?  Can you write stories or poetry about the life you imagine for yourself in the future?  Can you do small things that help you get more in touch with your gender day to day like making small choices about your clothing, like wearing clothes that are more unisex,  that only you know are gender related but others won't notice?  You cannot force others to accept you but you can work on your self-acceptance and self-compassion. That work is something that is best done in the company of others like you as well as with at least another person who gets you and whom you can trust.  Good luck to you!


Input: How can I deal with gender dysphoria in a positive way?

Instruction:
I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it.
 My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?

Output: Hi! I am so glad you're reaching out!  Sounds like you have some solid support in some areas of your life but are still dealing with some difficult dysphoria.  I think it can depend on what kind of dysphoria you have - sometimes it's physical, social or mental.  Sometimes physical dysphoria means less time around mirrors or plans to make showering less stressful (music, audio books, distraction).  Sometimes online support networks can be a great source of ideas in this way (for social and mental dysphoria as well).  Some of my clients do things that help them feel better in their bodies that don't require anyone to know (hair removal, binders, packing, hormones,) and other things.  I recommend stopping by a website called Conversations with a Gender Therapist. There are some awesome videos there that might help you!  I hope this helps some!  Don't forget to try to connect with other trans folks (even online) - it can be a great relief to know you're not alone in how you're feeling! Best of luck!!


Input: How can I know what my sexual orientation is?

Instruction: I have been noticing myself really enjoying watching/reading about gay or lesbian couples. I've also been imagining what it might be like to date a girl, and I like the idea. I also find guys cute too. Does this make me bisexual?

Output: Hello!  Thank you for your question.  Exploring your sexual orientation and attraction is a wonderful opportunity to get to know yourself!  I would be curious to know what feelings you might have related to the possibility of being bi; What messages you may have received related to this orientation and any concerns you have about possible sexual orientations.


Input: Why do I want to be the opposite sex so much?

Instruction: I got sick really bad and was throwing up for three days and nights. I thought I was going to die. Then about a week later, I started having this desire to be female. I never had this desire before. All I can think about is being a woman. I don't get pleasure from my penis anymore either. Women are attractive, but not like before. I can also find men attractive now. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone.

Output:
Hello, and thank you for reaching out to ask for help. Surely this is a very confusing time for you! If you have never had these
feelings and desires it could certainty shake everything you thought you knew
about yourself.
My guess is that you becoming sick around the time that this
started is likely a coincidence, but I understand how you would make the
connection.
I have a feeling that a few things may be going on here. It
is really hard to say since I don’t know you, how old you are, etc. But, I will
share you with you some thoughts.
Some people, when they have undesirable thoughts that really
surprise them, have a really tough time getting rid of them. Our reaction to
the thought can be very strong and our tendency to try to block it out, stuff
it, avoid it, etc. is not always successful. In fact, it’s usually not.
It’s like telling you not to think of pink elephants. I
would be willing to bet that you thought of a pink elephant just now.
So, rather than fighting thoughts that you find confusing,
sometimes it is helpful to allow yourself to explore the thought with curiosity
and without judgement. Where is this thought coming from? What are my feelings
about it? Asking yourself these questions may help you come to a resolution
about what is going on.
One possibility is that you have developed an anxiety about
your thoughts and now you are in the process of obsessing about them, but
another possibility is that you are legitimately exploring your sexuality and
gender. I get the feeling from your question that you do not want to believe
that it is second possibility. And that is okay.
You can try some of my suggestions, but you can also see a
counselor who may be able to help you work through your confusion. I would
suggest someone who has experience working with sexuality issues. You can
usually find out what a counselor works with on their website. What is
important is that you find someone who is non-judgmental about what you are
experiencing.

I wish you well.
Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


Input: I'm questioning my sexuality

Instruction: I'm a teenage girl. I don't know if I'm straight, bisexual, or gay. I've been straight all my life, but a sudden rush of questions have come over me, and I don't know anymore.

Output: Being open minded about the type of sexual connection which feels true and real, is a solid starting point.Having questions is a very valuable way of more clearly defining your sexuality.Write one or two of your questions if you'd like a more specific focus to your general search about your sexual preference.


Input: I'm questioning my sexuality

Instruction: I'm a teenage girl. I don't know if I'm straight, bisexual, or gay. I've been straight all my life, but a sudden rush of questions have come over me, and I don't know anymore.

Output: Hi Brentwood, While our society tends to want to put us into categories...slots...when it comes to sexuality, because this is nice and neat and convenient...many people find that they don't fit perfectly into one or the other. All you have to do is exactly what you're doing; be aware of yourself and allow yourself to explore these thoughts and emotions both alone and in connection with a safe partner. The people who love you will continue to love you as you sort through this. You can resist the temptation to please others by giving yourself a label. We are attracted to, and fall in love with, people...and we can't always predict what gender they might be. I love how open you are to discovering yourself. Keep on that track. :)


Input: I think I can become a transgender, but how can I be sure?

Instruction: I've recently thought that i could be transgender but I've never had the mind of a girl.

Output: Hello Frostproof,Thinking about becoming transgender and being transgender are slightly different.  This is a topic that is best discussed with a therapist that specializes in LGBTQ issues.  From what you have written it sounds as if you still have some confusion as to where you fit in with the "labeling system".  While labels provide a means to quickly identify and classify, they can also feel restrictive or confining.  Instead of focusing on fitting into a specific classification, explore who you are as a person and celebrate your positive qualities and those things that make you uniquely you!  There are many options for you to find a therapist and e-therapy is also an option.  You can try Breakthrough an online service.   Here is some reading for refection that you may find helpful.  Yin Yang Woman Man http://dld.bz/ejVK2  What does it mean to be a woman or a man?


Input: How can I determine if I should be a boy or girl?

Instruction: I feel like I would be more comfortable as a girl even though I still like girls. I think I'm like a girl stuck in a guy body. I imagine myself as a girl too. I think this more because my friends say that if I was a girl I would be a hot looking one. And I don't care about having boobs or anything. I just feel like the way that I do act will make more sense if I was a girl.

Output: I understand that gender and/or sexual identity crises can be very difficult to navigate, although in today’s time I think we have made a lot of progress and it is becoming easier for individuals to find themselves and also find acceptance from society.I am unsure how old you are. If you are a child or teenager, this is a normal time to have identity questions and to be in a phase where you are trying to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. I hope that you have understanding and supportive friends and family that you can talk to and who will support you in how you feel and what you may decide to do. A lot of people, unfortunately, do not, and if this is the case then it makes it harder for you. Because then you may not feel safe exploring these feelings and decisions.I urge you not to try to make any permanent changes for quite some time. By this I mean a sex change. Anything permanent like surgery or hormone replacement to change your actual gender is something that does not need to be done lightly. Please find a therapist that can help you explore your feelings and your identity crisis. Of course there are things that you can do that are not permanent changes. Many people decide to dress like their gender of choice. Maybe experimenting in this way is something that you could do.See if you have a local chapter of PFLAG in your area. PFLAG stands for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. They are able to help not only with those who identify as lesbian or gay, but also transgendered and asexual. I wish you all the best in your identity crisis. It would be very easy for you to sink into depression if you do not have good support and understanding from those around you during this time. Find a professional that can help, especially if you experience depression or any thoughts of harming yourself.


Input: How can I determine if I should be a boy or girl?

Instruction: I feel like I would be more comfortable as a girl even though I still like girls. I think I'm like a girl stuck in a guy body. I imagine myself as a girl too. I think this more because my friends say that if I was a girl I would be a hot looking one. And I don't care about having boobs or anything. I just feel like the way that I do act will make more sense if I was a girl.

Output: Gender is personal thing.  There is not just boy and girl.  It is ok to be a boy and feel feminine and date women.  It is also ok to be a transgendered women and date women.  Have fun with it and feel it out.  What is right for you?


Input: How can I get "out of my head" and stop obsessive thoughts?

Instruction: Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?

Output: Scary thoughts can feel overwhelming at times as well as feeling quite real. I want to acknowledge how scary they can feel, but there is hope and new skills you can learn to work with these types of thoughts. The first step in working with scary or negative thoughts is to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and we can choose to follow the scary thought streams or work with cutting them off or ignoring them. I also realize that might seem really hard to do, but here's a good way to think about the brain and how thought patterns work. Thoughts arise in the mind all the time, our brain is a thought machine. Many thoughts drift by like clouds and we don't pay any attention while other thoughts arise and they trigger us in a particulate way, i.e., scary, angry, happy, sad, and when those thoughts arise we can chose to pay more attention to the thought which can lead us down that particulate thought stream that will lead to fear and anxiety. So, how do we work or stop those scary thought streams? One new skill to implement comes from the work of Rick Hansen, he wrote the book Buddha's Brain," he teaches that we need to give more energy and attention to the positive thoughts or positive memories we hold in our mind and pay less attention to the negative thoughts. Hansen asks us to imagine the brain this way, the brain is like Velcro with negative thoughts and like teflon when it comes to positive thoughts. There are reasons that our brain works this way, but I don't have time to go into all of that in this response. So, it's just important to remember we have to work at positive thinking, actually pausing throughout the day to focus on positive feelings and memories,  this will help the mind reinforce positive thought streams and help reduce negative thought streams over time. If a scary thought arises try to replace it with a happy experience for at least a couple of moments, and see if that helps reduce the negative charge connected with that scary thought.


Input: How can I get "out of my head" and stop obsessive thoughts?

Instruction: Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?

Output:
You are
valid.   It is very unnerving when thoughts control your life.
One way to combat them is to figure out whose voice the words are said in.
Oftentimes people say things to us and it stays with us, and it is not often
true.  We let others’ opinions penetrate our brains and live rent-free in
our heads.  You could try to rewrite the thoughts, the negative thoughts,
rewrite them in a positive way.   For example “you are not worth
anything” you could rewrite that in a way that shows all the ways you are
worthy.  Write all your accomplishments, and things you have overcome and
proof that you are in fact worthy because you are!  You can
Interrupt the thought, focus, redirect elsewhere. If you are replaying a
specific moment you could go back into that moment and retell the moment,
rewrite the moment so that it is what you would rather it have been. Your mind
does not know anything other than what we feed it. Feed and integrate more
positive thoughts and actions into your routine to possibly see a positive
change, a change for the better! This video could be beneficial for you ▶ Negotiating With Inner Critic


Input: How can I get "out of my head" and stop obsessive thoughts?

Instruction: Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?

Output: When my clients say they are having a similar experience I teach them two main coping skills. The first is to simply say, out loud, STOP! The reasoning behind this is that we cannot talk and have an audible thought at the same time. This will only work in the short term and the rebound thoughts from this can be just as bad or overwhelming so I also teach to couple this with the STOPP Technique. The STOPP technique is:Stop what you’re doing Take a step back to calm and gather yourself. This can be done with Box Breathing where you inhale for a count of 4, hold the breath for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, and hold for a count of 4. Repeat this for at least 5 sets.  ObserveTHOUGHTS: What thoughts am I having? What’s going through my mind? What am I saying to myself?BODY SENSATIONS: What physical sensations am I experiencing? Where in my body am I experiencing them?FEELINGS: What feelings or emotions am I experiencing?BEHAVIOUR: What am I doing? How am I acting? What do I want to doPlan: What’s the best/most important thing for me to do right now? Proceed to act mindfully, taking whatever action you’ve planned.Then to see if there are any underlying issues causing the thoughts, I would make an appointment to see a therapist in your area.


Input: How can I get "out of my head" and stop obsessive thoughts?

Instruction: Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?

Output: There are some great thoughts offered by others here. I would just add that typically the most natural response to fearful thoughts is to want to stop, avoid, or get rid of them - which doesn't work if you're really caught up in a cycle of OCD or other form of anxiety. In the long run, the more effective thing to do is the harder and less intuitive option: to have those uncomfortable thoughts on purpose. This may mean writing out in detail what the worst case fear you are thinking of is, and then reading it over and over again until it becomes boring. It may also mean pausing through the course of the day to merely observe all the thoughts going on, and realizing that thoughts are merely thoughts. They are not the same as reality, and the unpleasant ones can become a lot less scary when we realize we can coexist with them without them coming true.


Input: How can I get "out of my head" and stop obsessive thoughts?

Instruction: Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?

Output: Such a great question! I'm so sorry you are struggling! You may be experiencing Intrusive thoughts.  These are thoughts that seem to come from no where and victimize us.  I can strongly recommend a book called "When Panic Attacks" by Dr. David Burns.  It helps you to identify the thoughts, and the help you create ways to counteract them!  There is another technique, called Thought Stopping. Thought Stopping can be as simple as saying "Stop!" loudly (if you are alone) or in your head, if you are in public.  It's a quick way to distract you from the distressing thought, and allow you to refocus.  I recommend using this technique, followed by some deep breathing, while visualizing something that helps you feel relaxed (a favorite place, a pet, etc.).  These three things in conjunction can be of great assistance. One key component in addressing anxious thinking is building the skill of relaxation.  I recommend an App called Headspace which teaches relaxation through some simple guided mediation. Super easy to do, and a great way to begin to build relaxation skills.  Plenty of sleep and reducing caffeine intake can also be things to explore. Hope this helps!