Input: I just lost my grandpa

Instruction: I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

Output: I am sorry for your loss. I understand the difficulty of needing help and not having financial resources. In some areas, you can dial 211 and find resources in the area that may be free of cost or low cost. In addition, often hospitals and community centers, churches, etc. have support groups. These are often free and many include grief and loss issues. Finally, there are some therapists who work on sliding scales and even sometimes offer pro bono sessions for clients. Hopefully some of these leads work out for you so that you can get the support that you need.


Input: I just lost my grandpa

Instruction: I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

Output: Losing someone you love, someone who has been there from your very first days, is really hard.  Look for a local hospice support organization in your community - grief groups and counseling are often available through these centers.  Don't just tough it out and wait for your sadness to fade.  Your grandfather would not want that for you.  Take extra good care of yourself and get some support


Input: I just lost my grandpa

Instruction: I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

Output: Your local hospice will have grief support groups and free community counseling available with bereavement counselors who are expects with grief and loss.


Input: I just lost my grandpa

Instruction: I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

Output: Hello,I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your grandpa. My suggestion would be to look into community mental health agencies in your area. Sometimes they can offer low-fee counseling. You can also check the hospitals in your area because they may offer free or low-fee bereavement support groups, which can be very helpful. Lastly, you may want to look into reading some books about grief as they can help you understand the general effects of grief and feel comforted that you are not alone. Lastly, some therapists offer sliding scale, or reduced fee so it doesn't hurt to call some local therapists to see if they offer could offer a very low-fee. I hope this helps! Please take good care of yourself. Grief is so difficult but please know the pain will ease up over time. Warmly,Angela Topcu, MFT


Input: I just lost my grandpa

Instruction: I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

Output: I am so sorry to hear about your loss. He must have been very special to you and it definitely makes sense that you are having a hard time with it. Counseling may be an option if you have a university near you with a graduate marriage and family therapist program. Graduate students provide counseling at a very low cost as part of their traineeship.  Here is an example... http://www.clucounseling.org/.  Another possibility is a support group for bereavement and loss. Many are free. I wish you the best towards healing your heart.


Input: I just lost my grandpa

Instruction: I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

Output: I'm sorry you lost your grandpa.  Some things that may help you through this tough time are to journal or write about special memories you have of your grandpa.  You could also journal about your feelings of loss and how you miss him.  Another thing that might help is to talk with a friend or family member.  Sharing special memories of the person you lost can help you to grieve.If you would like to pursue counseling I would suggest doing an internet search for grief groups in your area.  Sometimes hospitals or hospice centers will offer them for free or low cost.  You can also do an internet search for non-profit counseling clinics in your area.  Many cities and towns will have a non-profit clinic that can provide low cost counseling, it might be worth checking into.


Input: Why can't I stop crying?

Instruction: My grandma and brother both passed away 11 years ago and sometimes at night I just can't stop crying while thinking about the good memories we had but won't have ever again. I can't sleep at night when the memories and tears come I'll be fine all day then at night...boom! it's like waterfalls from my eyes. Why can't I stop crying?

Output: It's good to know you are reminiscing about good memories.  The sadness and crying is normal when you are missing a loved one.  You are noticing that grief changes, it doesn't just stop.  You have recognized that there will be moments in life that you will want to have shared with your brother and grandma and it just seems unfair that you cannot.  I often find that when someone is stuck in the place you are, it is a result of unfinished business and in your case, it appears, unfinished futures.  A professional versed in grieving and it's intricacies, can guide you to navigate through this and lessen the intensity that you experience.  As life goes on, there will be many moments that you will have wished they were present, but those moments do not have to bring you such intense emotion.  Seek some help, you won't regret it.


Input: Why can't I stop crying?

Instruction: My grandma and brother both passed away 11 years ago and sometimes at night I just can't stop crying while thinking about the good memories we had but won't have ever again. I can't sleep at night when the memories and tears come I'll be fine all day then at night...boom! it's like waterfalls from my eyes. Why can't I stop crying?

Output: Because you're sad and miss the relationship you had w grandma and your brother.The academic point that grief takes a different length of time to lift for each person, is true.Also, from a spiritual perspective, your grandma and brother are still here in loving relation to you, just not in physical body.  Pay attention if you have a sense of talking to them within your mind.  This may lessen your feeling of loss.When you're done crying about missing them, your grief will simply disappear on its own!  It cannot be forced to leave.


Input: I lost my mom, and I feel like I'm depressed

Instruction: Last year, I just always felt hopeless. I don't have a great relationship with my sister. I lost my mother recently, and that really added to my sadness. My sister always brings up how I was never close to my mother.

Output: I am so sorry about your loss.  Losing someone you love is always difficult, however, losing a mother is a significant loss in a daughters life.  What makes this loss complicated is that it appears you have also had a loss in your relationship with your sister.  It is difficult to know what happened with your sister with the limited information you have provided, but what I suspect is that there are some unresolved issues between the two of you and that she may be projecting her pain on to you.  It is important to remember that your sister is also grieving the loss of your mother and may not be dealing with it in a very healthy way.  By her bringing up your relationship with your mother and suggesting that you were "never close" to her is her opinion.  Only you can define and determine what your relationship was like with your mother.  If there is truth to this, then it may be something you may need to talk about with a counselor.   There could be an added layer of ambiguous loss in that you are not only grieving her physical absence, but could be grieving the loss of a relationship you wish you could have had with her and the realization that you never will.  You and your sister are both in the heart of the grieving cycle.  When two people are grieving the same loss at the same time, it is difficult to provide support to each other because of their own struggle, even if they both were on good terms with each other.  Depression is part of the cycle of grief.  It is absolutely normal to feel sad, as well as experiencing other depressive symptoms (i.e., feelings of isolation, lack of motivation, low energy, sleep or appetite changes, etc.).  Anger is another phase of the grief cycle.  Your sister may be stuck in the anger phase, not wanting to connect with her own feelings of sadness, so this may be why she is being hurtful towards you, in projecting her anger onto you in order to avoid the vulnerability of experiencing her own grief.Finally, it appears that your depression proceeded the loss of your mother and is making your experience with grief more complicated.  Were you officially diagnosed and treated for depression prior to your loss?  Depression in grief is different than a depressive mood disorder.  Depression can be situational (i.e., triggered by an event) or related to genetics, undiagnosed health issues, stress, trauma or other potential risk factors.  If you have a family history of depression, you are more susceptible to have depression.  It would be wise for you to discuss this with a mental health provider, and if necessary, get treatment through counseling and medical interventions.


Input: I lost my mom, and I feel like I'm depressed

Instruction: Last year, I just always felt hopeless. I don't have a great relationship with my sister. I lost my mother recently, and that really added to my sadness. My sister always brings up how I was never close to my mother.

Output: Wow what a painful journey you have been in for a long time. Death and grief bring up so many painful reminders of relationships--what they could have been, never were, and what was lost. With death of a family member the family often falls apart for a while... or longer. I hope you can find some support for you and your pain that was occurring before your mom's passing. I also hope you can find someone to help you set boundaries with your sister so you can have your time (as long as you need) to heal from losing your mom and then later figure out how to interact with your sister.


Input: How can I stop craving nostalgia?

Instruction: The past always feels much brighter and more beautiful than my present. Everything about what's gone feels so amazing; almost like I'm high off nostalgia. But in the end it just makes me feel sadder knowing that all of the memories (and a close friend that left me) are gone forever. How do I move past that and live more in the present?

Output: Do some self-reflecting as to what areas of your life you'd currently like to develop.The good news is you know how happiness feels.That you were able to create situations and dynamics which produced happiness in your life is good motivation to believe happiness is possible and to try new ways to create this in your life.


Input: I feel guilty about my fathers death

Instruction: I spent my whole life taking care of my dad, but left because of his verbally abusive behavior. I was the only one that helped with his health issues. I feel if I hadn't left he might still be alive. I need help dealing with my grief and guilty conscience.

Output: I see such a sharp contrast between your question and your first sentence. Do you see it? "I feel guilty about my father's death", and "I spent my WHOLE LIFE taking care of my dad." Wow. After everyone else had left him to his misery, you hung in there. He is so lucky to have had you there. You didn't have to do that. I have a hunch that your dad blamed you for a lot of things. Abusive people do that a lot; they make you believe things are your fault when they're not. You did the opposite of what you fear you did. You didn't contribute to your dad's death; your selfless care gave him a longer life...better health. In the end, no one's love and care could save him. No one could fault you for deciding you had had enough at some point. I would never expect anyone to keep putting themselves in a hurting place over and over again. But this is what you did. You did it for him, and you did it so you wouldn't feel guilty. But you feel guilty anyway, right?...so putting yourself in that position was only worth it if you allow your loving acts to melt away the guilt. Can you tell yourself "It's okay that I had to take care of myself too."... "I gave up a lot for my dad; I have nothing to feel guilty about".Putting yourself last for your dad was a loving thing to do. And... my hope is that you can also find different ways to help yourself feel "good enough" in this world, and a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself.  :)


Input: I think my wife is running from the pain of losing our first born

Instruction: My wife is trying to leave. She agreed to come back and give me a little time. Even said she hopes I can do it. We buried our first born in Jan 13 years ago. She never got past it. So every year around this time, she gets emotional and says she doesn't think she loves me, but then we go back to normal. This time, another guy came in and showed her attention. I'll forgive the cheating if she'll come home.

Output: I'm sorry that you lost your first born child.  Death of a child always leaves a permanent reminder to the parents of a very painful time in their lives.The good news is your awareness that you and your wife are not connected in a satisfying way.There are many possible areas to examine in your relationship as partners and as parents.If what you write here are your observations and theories about your wife's outlook and conclusions, then the first step is to directly have conversations together on the topics you write here.What needs clarifying is what her reasons are for wanting to leave the marriage.Often, a crisis such as a child's death, motivates someone to look deeply into other intimate relationships.  Keep in mind that looking deeply doesn't necessarily mean leaving the marriage.Also, be aware of your own frustrations and marital discontent.  Be ready to talk about your feelings and uncertainties.There is no such thing as one happy partner in a marriage and one unhappy partner.   Each person is part of a system and can only be as satisfied as their partner.The conversations that open relationship hurts and disappointments, hold a lot of emotion.  They are difficult to keep on track.Best recommendation is to find a couples therapist who will be neutral to each of you as individuals, and help both of you examine the true health of the relationship.


Input: How do I find happiness after my boyfriend passed away?

Instruction: I loved him more than anything. He passed away on our anniversary which was also the day I was going to apply for our apartment. I'm not handling it well. I moved to a new town and started a new life but nothing helps.

Output: I am so sorry to hear of your boyfriend's passing. Grief is something that can take a long time to recover from. Have you considered speaking with a grief counselor? Being able to speak with someone that specializes in grief would be very beneficial. Do not get down on yourself for not recovering quickly. This is one of the hardest aspects to deal with in life but eventually you will be able to move forward. In the mean time, immerse yourself with positivity (i.e. Good friends, hobbies, exercise) and try to schedule a time with a counselor. Perhaps there will be a support group you could also join. Oftentimes, it is comforting to meet others who share the same experience as you.Good luck to you. I hope you will find peace and comfort soon.


Input: How do I stop grieving my mother’s death?

Instruction: What can I do to stop grieving my mother’s death? When I am awake I just cry every day. I don't have anyone to talk to. I need help; I am still cry over her. Will I ever stop crying? It’s been 3 years.

Output: I am sorry that you lost your mother. That is a really hard thing for someone to go through.There is really no set time for grief to be over, but I agree that if it has been three years and you are still crying every day then this is past the time for normal grief. I do not know how old you are and if you are in school or have a job, but I would imagine that if by now you literally were doing nothing but crying every day all day, someone would have noticed and would have gotten you some help. For one thing, bills have to be paid.There are typically five stages of grief and they can come in any order. You can go back to another stage that you previously experienced. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the stages. At first, people are usually in denial over the fact that they lose someone or are losing someone. This may mean that you deny they are ill or deny that they have actually died.Then comes bargaining, in which you may beg God that if you can only have this person back then you will do whatever. Depression is when the reality has settled in and when we cry and really feel the loss. It sounds like you are stuck in this phase.Finally, acceptance is when we accept that it has happened and we pick up the pieces of our life and move on.When we lose someone we never forget them. We may always have certain days that are tough, such as holidays or any special remembrance of your loved one. But we do get to the place where we accept that death is part of life and that it is inevitable, and that life goes on.A therapist can help you explore the reasons for your extended grief and can help you with coping skills to better deal with it. One suggestion I have is not to try to run from the sad feelings, don’t try to not feel them. Embrace the feelings. Let the feelings wash over you and accept them. Trying not to feel something is not going to help. Sadness is a part of life and needs to be felt just like happiness does. Unpleasant feelings are not to be avoided.I am sincerely sorry that you lost your mother and that you have had such a hard time of it for three years now. You deserve to be happy and to live a full life. I am sure your mother would not want you being sad for so long. I wish you all the best as you continue to try to heal from this loss and deal with your grief.


Input: Can I sign my brother into a mental health facility?

Instruction:
My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather.
   I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility.    Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?

Output: I'm sorry to hear that your brother has been having such a rough time. He's lucky to have you on his side (although he may not always see it that way).As far as whether you can sign him in, that depends on a lot of different things.I would suggest that you Google the state and county that you live in as well as some phrase similar to "crisis hotline." They can tell you how it works in that county. My guess is that you could sign him in as long as he met the criteria for admission at that moment, but I can't  be entirely sure. You could also ask the person on the phone about financial responsibility. I have not heard of that being a problem, but I guess it would depend on insurance.If you have trouble finding a local  hotline, consider calling the national crisis number (800-273-8255) and ask them to help you find someone local.


Input: Can I sign my brother into a mental health facility?

Instruction:
My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather.
   I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility.    Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?

Output: Thanks for asking this question. I know it can be really difficult to deal with issues like this.To answer your question, you might be able to get you brother some mental health help, even if he doesn't recognize that he needs it. In most states, an individual can request a mental health evaluation of a family member if that family member poses a danger to themselves or someone else, or if they are unable to take care of their own basic needs.You can always call 911 if you are concerned about his immediate safety (for example if you find him sleeping outside in below freezing weather.  As an alternative to calling 911, you might also be able to request an evaluation from an authorized mental health provider.  The deatsils of who you would contact vary from state to state. Here's a link with some additional resources:http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/someone-i-know-is-in-crisisHe's lucky to have a brother who cares for his wellbeing as much as you do.


Input: Can I sign my brother into a mental health facility?

Instruction:
My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather.
   I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility.    Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?

Output: The answer depends on what State you live.Since the description you write here is that your brother may be a serious risk to himself and others, it is worth contacting a mental health hotline or one of your local area hospitals and talk to a social worker or other professional level person in their psychiatry department.  Ask the same question you posted here.   Your question is a good one and merits serious follow through.


Input: Can I sign my brother into a mental health facility?

Instruction:
My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather.
   I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility.    Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?

Output: Hello, My heart goes out to you, your brother, and your family, dealing with a very painful and difficult situation. In New York, you can't institutionalize someone else directly. You can, however, call the police or EMS. If they agree that he would benefit from hospitalization (and it sounds like they would), he can be held in the hospital for up to 72 hours, whether he agrees or not. Some hospitals will not hold a person that long, in spite of what we might want. I have seen many patients in and out of hospitals countless times, and it has been my experience that it can be extremely difficult to hold a person long enough to achieve good stability and an appropriate after-care plan. Hospitals in NYC tend to take a "patch and release" approach more often than I would like. It's been my experience that family makes a difference. Assertive, knowledgeable, persistent family can improve the quality of your loved one's care. Hospitals are highly pressured to discharge people quickly but they can not discharge a homeless person without someplace to go. If your family is willing to accept your brother, that will be the path of least resistance for the hospital. If the family refuses, they will be forced to find another path for him. You can also pressure the hospital to refer to rehab after psychiatrically stablized (which may only take a few days) and that may give your brother more time to begin making clear-headed decisions. If your brother has a psychiatrist, that person should be actively involved. I had a patient patched-and-released three times, in spite of my advocacy and him literally begging to remain and stop his voices. We finally got a 90 day hospitalization because I strong-armed his psychiatrist into demanding that the hospital stabilize his patient.  If your brother has a history of non--compliance with oral medications, you can push the hospital for injection, which again will help your brother stay stable for longer. Best wishes to you and your family.


Input: Can I sign my brother into a mental health facility?

Instruction:
My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather.
   I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility.    Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?

Output: Family members sometimes get Power of Attorney over vulnerable adults. If you had this, you could do something like that. I'm assuming that you don't, though. There are steps family members can take through the court system to get someone involuntarily committed, but it is a long process. I deal with situations like this everyday on the job. The only time an adult can be committed against their will is if they are deemed by the doctor (such as at an emergency room) to be a threat to self or others. For instance, if he had suicidal thoughts and a plan to carry out the action, or if he had homicidal thoughts against someone else and a plan to carry it out, he could be placed on a short hold, but these holds only last for a few days. This still isn't a long-term solution. An adult has the right to refuse treatment and the right to make their own choices, no matter how bad those choices are. If you have a way to get him to an ER whenever things like that happen, such as being found sleeping outside in 12 degree weather, it will help a lot. They may or may not do a short term commitment for treatment based on the situation that brings him to the ER, but it's a start. They can help set him up with appointments for psych and he can get on medications. You can help by taking him to appointments and making sure his medications get filled. However, you can't force him to take the meds, so this may be something that happens a lot. With enough of a paper trail of many ER visits and that sort of thing, you'll stand a better chance of getting a court appointed psych ward stay. Some tips about ER visits: Don't send him alone. Always go with him or have someone go with him, because you will be able to give the treatment team better insight into what's going on than he will. He may say everything's fine and he wants to leave, so they won't have any reason to keep him if that is the case. Go with him. If you do get Power of Attorney, take the paperwork with you when you go to the ER and to doctor's appointments because they aren't just going to take your word. They need to see the actual paperwork. Having it on file in their system isn't good enough because paperwork expires, etc. Take it with you at all times. You can also compile his medical records and that sort of thing to take with you so they can see a full history of what's going on.Keep in mind that if you do get Power of Attorney, this makes you his guardian and you have to take care of him. Otherwise, you can get reported for vulnerable adult abuse and neglect. In fact, your mom ignoring and not helping may already put her at risk of that because she is willingly doing nothing to help someone who clearly needs the help. She won't be financially responsible for the hospital or doctor bills, but should be held responsible for his safety. Someone should. There are group homes for people with schizophrenia. " Being responsible" for someone doesn't mean you have to pay their bills, it just means you are going to make sure they get the care they need. That care may be placement in a long-term care facility like a group home or a nursing home. Psych inpatient hospitals aren't long-term, so you do need to look into other long-term options. Psych inpatient stays are temporary and are to stabilize him, they're not where someone stays forever.Good luck, and keep up the good attitude! Work with his treatment team. Ask for a social worker. If they see family that is wanting to do the right thing and wanting to help, they'll help you even if it does take a while to get things sorted out. The worst thing any of you can do is NOT go to appointments and that sort of thing.


Input: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?

Instruction:
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Output: Hi. Good for you in planning ahead to do what's healthiest for your baby (and yourself). That's a great first step! It's also good that you are able to identify that it's not always a physical need that's driving the addiction.For the next steps, I would suggest trying to figure out when the psychological cravings for a cigarette occur. The psychological (or mental) cravings are usually based out of habit, such as having a cigarette after a meal. And if you're consciously trying to quit, you'll find the craving starts with simply thinking about having a cigarette, then usually moves on to thinking about how good it made you feel, etc., etc. Well, if I'm on a diet and I continue to let myself think about the ice cream sitting in the freezer, eventually I'll give in and eat it.You're going to have thoughts about smoking a cigarette. That's normal and, for the most part, out of your control. But you choose whether or not to CONTINUE thinking and dwelling about it after that initial thought. That's what you would have to work on changing. When you have that initial thought, acknowledge it ("Ok, I kind of want a cigarette now."), but then change the thoughts that typically follow. Distract yourself, think about something else, do something else, whatever it takes to get your mind off of that cigarette.I've suggested to clients before that they should plan these scenarios out ahead of time so they already know what they're going to do when the time comes. Write down when you usually have the craving for a cigarette and then write down new thoughts or things to do to get your mind off of it. Eventually, it will become easier and easier to brush off that initial thought until you no longer have it.Best of luck, and you have a really great motivator to quit - your baby!


Input: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?

Instruction:
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Output: When trying to quit an addiction it is imperative to decide what purpose the addiction serves. You said it is not a physical need but rather a mental need. What other ways could this need be alleviated?  A video I  often recommend to those who want to quit a habit is  🍰🍟🍔🍗🍩🚬ADDICTION🍻🍸📺🍆🛏 💊🛏


Input: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?

Instruction:
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Output: It's very admirable that you are trying to stop smoking for the sake of your health and your child's health.  The mental aspect of quitting a drug can and usually is the hardest part.  First, it can be helpful to change the focus of your thinking so you are focusing on the healthy behaviors you will start/improve rather than only focusing on the behavior that you are trying to stop.  The reason for this is that our brains hear the main topic of our thoughts.  That is, when you tell yourself "quit smoking, quit smoking, quit smoking", your brain hears "smoking, smoking, smoking".  So we need to put together a self-care plan that addresses your thinking, emotions, and behaviors (nutrition, physical activity, and other stress reducing activities).  The idea is to have an effective plan in place to both prevent yourself from feeling intense stress (which increases cravings) and to have a well-placed plan for when the intense cravings inevitably present themselves.  And lastly, and possibly the most important; You have to believe you deserve to be the healthiest version of yourself.  Think about the times when you are most vulnerable to smoke (stressful situations, after meals, when drinking, social situations, etc.).  The use of affirmations is also an important resource as what we say to ourselves effects our mood.  Repeatedly telling yourself "i am healthy, "i am getting healthier, "my lungs are becoming clear and healthy" or other affirmations like this.  Even if you don't believe them at first, continue saying them.  This step is important to improve cognitive flexibility which trains your brain to be open to change.  Think about activities that you like to do or that you would like to try and replace smoking with those activities.  Any activity that can make you laugh (time with friends, watching comedies, etc.) will evoke a calming response because when we feel happy, we typically don't feel stressed out simultaneously.


Input: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?

Instruction:
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Output: First off, I would like to congratulate you on making the decision to stop smoking.  The next thing I want to share is that there are so many different ways to kick the habit. Some people find solace in groups, while others prefer to see a counselor about this individually. Remember, that the crux of addiction is feeling one way and using a substance or thing to feel a different way.  My suggestion is to find an addiction counselor and create an individualized plan together to help you stop smoking . Your chances of stopping smoking are much higher when you have professional support and a plan to work on outside of your sessions.


Input: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?

Instruction:
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Output: While smoking can be incredibly difficult to quit doing, it's not impossible, so the first thing to NOT lose is hope. And certainly planning to have a baby can be exactly the catalyst that one needs to motivate to complete this sort of task. But, as I said, it still won't be easy, even with the motivation there.There is a definite physical component, but it's great that you can acknowledge the psychological addiction that exists. It would be helpful to dive into what that psychological need actually is, as it can vary from person to person (whereas the physical addiction doesn't as much, and therefor can be helped through gums and patches and inhalers, etc.) Exploring and getting to the root of the psychological need can help you to determine what is going on for you psychologically, and how else you can meet those needs of yours, perhaps in much healthier and more adaptive ways, that also help you to feel really good about yourself. While replacement is not always advocated, having psychological needs is not something to be ashamed of, but rather nurtured.


Input: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?

Instruction:
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Output: Breaking any habit is no easy feat.   Cutting down or cutting out cigarettes is very challenging, and there aren't any one size fits all solutions.  Fortunately, there are a lot of tricks and tools that you can use to stop smoking.  1. Many habits that we have are paired habits. If we do one thing, then we will do the other thing.  Think about the activities that you do when smoking and try to pair those activities with another activity other than smoking.  For instance, many people smoke while they drive.  Consider planning another activity to do while driving. (It might not be driving for you, but you get the idea! :)).  It might be taking a walk instead of smoking on your break at work.  2.  Create distance between you and the habit you are trying to break.  This approach could be used in a variety of different ways.  If you smoke first thing in the morning, consider leaving your cigarettes in a different room in your home.  Walking the extra couple of feet could help you decide not to smoke.   Leave your credit or debit cards at home and carry less emergency cash than a pack of cigarettes.  With this strategy, you are trying to create some distance between you the cigarettes so that you have to jump through extra hoops to get them.  3.  Consider cutting back before cutting out.  If you are smoking 10 cigarettes a day, try smoking 9. Then cut back to 8 and so on.  Having a plan to reduce harm may be more sustainable than cutting things out altogether. 4.  You could also talk to your doctor about the safety of nicotine patches. If you aren't already pregnant, this could be a great resource to help boost your success.  5. Focus on what you are gaining instead of what you are loosing. You may be losing cigarettes, but you are gaining money, health, taste buds, an increased sense of smell, lung capacity, a healthy baby etc.  You could plan small rewards/ treats with the money you save from decreasing cigarette purchases.  I recommend making these purchases small and frequent to keep up the momentum rather than waiting for a big payout a couple of months down the road.  Good luck! Cutting out cigarettes will be good for you and your baby.


Input: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?

Instruction:
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Output: Hopefully you feel you have the time to follow this procedure.1. For a week - log when you smoke - time, place and activity2. Plan on cutting back 10% for a week.Cut out the easiest times.3.Next change the times and and activities for 3 days - consider water or candy or gum if it is very tough. 4. Cut another 10% each week until you are done.


Input: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?

Instruction:
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Output: It is very good news that you realize the risks of smoking cigarettes while pregnant and are willing to stop.Thinking about smoking is a typical and frequent reaction to being without the substance.Be creative with what you know about yourself to distract you when this psychological urge comes up.  My suggestions are to imagine smoking if you find this would relieve the sense of wanting to smoke.Or, do the opposite and remind yourself of all the good reasons to not smoke.Also, since you're planning pregnancy then ask your partner for ideas on how to make the psychological feeling to want to smoke, feel less intense.Another suggestion is that your partner is your texting buddy to stop smoking.   With AA groups, a sponsor is always available for the alcoholic who feels distress about the urge to drink.   Having a trusted and caring person to tell about your problem helps in many situations.  Maybe it will help you to stop smoking.Good luck!


Input: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?

Instruction:
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Output: Quitting smoking can be difficult. It's also true that there is part that is sometimes a physical need and a part that is often connected to emotions in some way. From the way that you wrote this, it sounds like you may have been able to stop smoking physically, but still have cravings.One thing you can do is talk with your primary care physician or OB/GYN about whether there is anything that you can take to help with the cravings. Sometimes that can very helpful.As far as the more emotional or mental piece, these things come to mind:Sometimes a crucial part is looking at the habit of smoking and seeing what else you can do to keep your mind and hands busy. There are sometimes toys, like those available at Office Playground, that may help to keep you physically occupied.There can also be changes or additions to your routine because I imagine that smoking took up a great deal of your time. Maybe when you have the temptation to get up and go to have a cigarette, you could have several other things that you can get up and do instead. The list is endless, but a few examples could be doing some physical exercise (with the permission of your doctor) just for a couple minutes because that could help with the craving as well, completing a puzzle, learning a new activity that requires using your hands (painting or knitting, perhaps).Another piece of quitting smoking is often linked to anxiety or other emotional changes, perhaps irritability. Depending on what it is that you may be feeling,  learning other strategies to use can be helpful as well.This can all be quite overwhelming and a very big life change. I would recommend that if things do not become easier for you, consider talking with a therapist. Then you could not only have some more strategies or ideas directly related to you, but you could have very direct support for what you are trying to do.I give you a lot of credit!


Input: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?

Instruction:
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Output: It can be challenging to quite anything once we set our mind to it.  We often crave the things more that we know we can not or should not have.  With that being said I would encourage you to become aware of the chemical dependency part that cigarettes have on your brain and your body.  Then make yourself aware of the mental part the habit part.  Often times people will engage in smoking again just from the mere social aspect of it.  Make yourself aware of these and devise a plan of the things you will do instead of going out on smoke breaks, or the ritual of smoking in the car on on the back porch.  There are plenty of support groups out there to help with this as well.  Smoking cessation is a good resource.


Input: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day

Instruction: I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Output: Maybe this will help you understand.  First it depends on many chemical factors.  When you drink alcohol overindulge so to speak.  You are flooding the pre frontal cortex of your brain.  This controls communication and cognitive behavior.  There were studies on this and many times if you notice those intoxicated get loud respond to loudness.  Also certain types of alcohol can have sides effects.  Instead of brown liquor try white liquor.  Experiment safely to find if you maybe having side effects causing overindulgence which we don't want to lead to alcoholism.   Set an intention before experimenting that you will not feel angry or guilty... Seek talk therapy which will help decrease the cravings or desire to.


Input: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day

Instruction: I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Output: Hello, I commend you for your courage in taking a look at the role alcohol has in your life. It sounds like you're concerned about what happens when you drink too much and I suspect you already know the answer to your question about whether you have a problem or not. I imagine you would like to stop feeling guilty and would like to avoid cheating on your boyfriend or other negative consequences and maybe have a fear of being or becoming an "addict" or "alcoholic." You might have a "problem" but that does not necessarily mean that you are an addict. I don't have information to know if "addiction" or "dependence" or other words would best describe where you are with drinking, but it sounds like it's begun to have some negatives, so forgive me using words like addict, dependence and so on. I mean it more as a road map than a diagnosis. The feedback I'm writing here is very general and doesn't address physical dependence and many other factors that might apply to your situation.  One of the ways to think about substance (mis)use is to think of addiction as a disease of avoidance. Let me repeat that: it is a disease of avoidance. Your ultimate task in living a balanced life is to figure out what you're avoiding and develop other ways to manage those feelings, experiences, and so on. And of course, along the way, you may want to look at triggers, situations, biological vulnerability, social pressures, coping skills, relapse prevention planning and so on. Depending on where you are in your drinking, you might very well benefit from expertise and support. Remember also that alcohol depresses our central nervous system and disinhibits us. That means that alcohol is often a substance of choice to relax, destress, calm down, etc. Also, it allows feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that we usually inhibit to be expressed. If you were unfaithful and often angry, that's your first signpost. For angry drinkers, it is often true that you don't drink and then get angry, you drink in order to express anger. I recommend you find someone you can speak frankly with, who is knowledgeable about addiction. Wishing you the best health and wellness.


Input: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day

Instruction: I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Output: The short answer is yes - if you feel 'really guilty after a night of drinking', then you probably have a problem. What you could do is visit this website by the National Institutes of Health: http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/How-much-is-too-much/  There you will find information on how many drinks is too much, and the general answer for women is more than seven drinks in a week. There is also a quiz you can take anonymously that will help you determine if your drinking is a problem. The good news is that you can get help for substance abuse through counseling, self-help programs, or alcoholics anonymous.


Input: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day

Instruction: I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Output: That is great that you recognize you over indulge. Also considering  what is the deeper reason of your drinking and over drinking, to escape, to feel you belong in a group, there are so many possible variables.  The guilt is your body/brains way of knowing this behavior does not resonate with your core being.


Input: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day

Instruction: I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Output: Thank you for writing in with this important question.  There are some key words in your question that indicate you may have a problem; they are, "over indulge," "feel really guilty," and "angry drunk."  You also indicate that you have been unfaithful in your relationship while under the influence of alcohol.  In assessing whether or not someone has a "problem" with alcohol, some of the criteria I consider are whether or not they have attempted to cut back on their drinking and have been unable to do so and do they continue to drink despite knowing of likely consequences to their own emotional/physical health, relationships, occupational and/or social functioning.  I indicated you "may" have problem because it would be improper for me to make a formal diagnosis over this type of forum with so little information; however, with the information you provided, my answer is yes, you may have a problem based on my interpretation that you have tried to control your drinking and have been unsuccessful and have continued to drink despite experiencing yourself as an "angry" drunk, feeling guilty after a night of drinking and being unfaithful in your relationship.  I would recommend that you see a counselor for a proper assessment.  I applaud you for being concerned about this issue and seeking help.


Input: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day

Instruction: I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Output: Guilt is a narcissistic, self-indulgent focus on me, me, me; it's best not to keep it in negative light;What does that mean?  Well, it stems from mankind having an animal nature, and a spiritual nature;In most societies today, the animal nature is looked down upon, seen as egregious and something to be put away;If I may say to you, it is necessary and important (if you wish to end an experience called "guilt") to NOT regard your animal nature as negative, but to accept that you have it, and acknowledge it;The more openly a man or woman acknowledges they're animal-side, the quicker one may subdue it;Try giving your animal nature a name, and talk to it like a cute pet... "Oh, hey, there, Snorky!  Oh, what's that?  You want to be a wealthy, famous Hollywood idol?  Oh, really!  Agaiiiiiiin, Snorky!  Geez, you're impossible!  Ain't you just the cutest thing!"


Input: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day

Instruction: I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Output: I offer that getting a professional assessment is in order to look at your relationship with alcohol.


Input: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day

Instruction: I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Output: Speaking with a licensed therapist will help you figure out if indeed you have a problem or not.  I would say the first question you should ask yourself is why you are drinking? The second would be why you feel the need to drink in excess? It may be due to a life event or the crowd you are running with.  Either way a therapist will be able to help you through this as you already made the first step in admitting you are having a difficult time.


Input: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day

Instruction: I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Output: Usually when someone asks if they have a problem, they believe they do have a problem!The first step is to understand your own theory and definition as to what problem you feel you have.  Some possibilities are feeling unhappy in the relationship to your boyfriend, not having enough discussion between the two of you, not feeling cared about by your boyfriend, not liking your boyfriend.Did you grow up in a family in which the grownups drank to the point of excess at the times they felt stressed?Family modeling of how to handle problems may have left you no knowing how to handle stress except to drink to excess.Ask yourself what it is you feel guilty of doing?The guilt may point you in a good direction if it is your sense of self-esteem telling you to find better ways of managing your life.Do you drink alone or together with friends?Try defining your specific reasons for drinking because this is the first step to know how to handle the situation differently.


Input: I found drugs in my moms drawer—what should I do?

Instruction: She's my stepmom. I'm pretty sure she's illegally buying the drugs and hiding them from my dad.

Output: Are the drugs themselves illegal or the method of her purchasing them?How do you know the facts of what you write here?Also are you sure your stepmom is buying or hiding them for her own use and not on behalf of your father?If you’d like to lovingly make your father aware of your findings then be clear on these answers since most likely he’ll want to know this information.If the drugs are illegal and in his house then he is just as liable for arrest as the stepmom.I’m sure from this perspective at least, he’d appreciate your telling him of your findings.


Input: I found drugs in my moms drawer—what should I do?

Instruction: She's my stepmom. I'm pretty sure she's illegally buying the drugs and hiding them from my dad.

Output: I would suggest having a conversation with your dad and then having a conversation as a family with your stepmom.  Usually there are other signs of use that can often be missed.  Be aware of behavior changes and mood swings.  Be supportive and ready to listen often times individuals suffering from addiction will deny use until they are ready for help.


Input: What can I do to help my dad stop drinking?

Instruction: Or how to send him somewhere that can help him, something like The Baker Act.

Output: More information would be needed for me to accurately answer this question, such as your age, whether you live with your dad or not, and what other family members live in the household. Something like this, alcoholism, is a whole family disease. In other words, family members often unknowingly contribute to the alcoholism and enable the alcoholic to continue the destructive behavior.First of all, you can’t make your dad do anything, and constantly nagging him or begging him to stop is just going to make him defensive and make this worse. Nobody can change another person. What you can do is change how you react to him and the things that you and other family members do for him. Research codependency. There’s a great book called Codependent No More. There are a lot of articles on the internet that you can read. In short, you have to stop enabling him. Like I said, you cannot control him, but you can control yourself. This means do not buy his alcohol. Do not make it easy for him to get. Don’t loan him the car keys or pay any household bills for him. Don’t call in sick to work for him or make excuses for him in any way. Do not bail him out of jail when he gets arrested. He needs to be responsible for himself. This may mean losing his job or losing his driver’s license. This may mean that he loses his family if he doesn’t stop. What you and your family can do is set boundaries about what you will put up with. It is his choice to drink, but it is your choice to put up with the behaviors of his drinking. A lot of people go into rehab because their spouse said if they don’t then they are getting a divorce.If you are an adult and you don’t live with your dad, then the best thing you can do for him is STOP doing things for him. If you are a child who lives at home with him, then this could be a case for child protective services. In my state this is called DHS. A report is made to this organization for child abuse or neglect. Substance abuse in the home qualifies. Of course, alcohol is legal and when consumed in moderation, there is no problems. The problem will be the result of his alcohol consumption. Does he drive with children in the car while intoxicated? Is he left to care for minors while in an intoxicated state? Are there any domestic violence issues due to his drinking? This could be a reason for the authorities to step in. You can look for a local meeting for family members of alcoholics. They are similar to the AA meetings that an alcoholic should go to, but are for the family members. They can help you.


Input: What can I do to help my dad stop drinking?

Instruction: Or how to send him somewhere that can help him, something like The Baker Act.

Output: Your dad needs to be aware that he has a problem and be willing to make some changes in order for him to be motivated to stop.  Often times individuals will be forced to stop when they were not ready.  Remember we can not ever make someone do something they do not want to do.  There needs to be at least a little willingness on the other party to make some changes.  I would encourage you to reach out to your family or other loved ones and have a conversation with your dad regarding your concerns.


Input: I don't know if my ex-boyfriend is using opiates again

Instruction: My boyfriend and I recently broke up. One week, we were fine, and the next, he told me he needed space. He completely deleted me out of his life. He does have an opiate addiction. He claimed he was sober, but since we've split, I've heard many lies from him. Could he be using again, and does this addiction affect the mind?

Output: Studies have proven that addiction affects the brain, there are many coping skills that addicts use to enable their addiction as well.  I would recommend that you speak with someone abut your relationship and your concerns.  Not only so you can have more clarity in the situation but we often tend to gravitate around or toward the same types of individuals.  Being more aware of your relationship will help you in the future when re-engaging in personal relationships.


Input: Is it okay if I take my friend's pills away?

Instruction: My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.

Output: Your friend needs to admit they have a problem.  If not no matter how many pills you take they will find a way to get more.  It is also a federal offense to take someone else's medication so if you did take it she could have you arrested.  In other instances it can be more dangerous to take medication away than slowly tapering off of them.  Like anything we put into our system our tolerance builds up and can effect us in different ways.  I would listen to her and discuss why she feels that she needs to be on the medications rather than playing bad cop in this situation.  Encourage her to get help and let her know you re there for her.


Input: Is it okay if I take my friend's pills away?

Instruction: My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.

Output: Your good intentions to help your friend stay clean, are very caring about her.Unless your friend feels like stopping pills,  taking them away will mean she finds them some place else.The problem that anyone who is addicted to pills has, is that the person is psychologically and at least with xanax, physically addicted.Taking pills has basically become a standard part of your friend's life.Her problem is bigger than your ability to care.If you haven't already done so, tell your friend directly about your opinion on the way she is using pills.This is not a guarantee that she'll stop.It isa way of you showing that you care about her.Offering love and advice are the only things you can do for her.Meanwhile, knowing she is hurting herself is probably hurting you.Be sure to keep a sense of balance within yourself.  Offer your concern and know she is the one who must decide to stop using.


Input: Is it okay if I take my friend's pills away?

Instruction: My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.

Output: Hello! Thank you for your question. I have a worked with many people who have become addicted to benzodiazepines, like Clonazepam. It is a difficult road for people who are trying to become clean. It is also a very difficult road for those who love the person and are trying to be supportive. During those times, it is important to remember to take care of yourself, too. As for taking your friend's pills, my concern would be the legal ramifications that you could face should you ever be caught with someone else's prescription medication, and especially these types of medications. Our laws have become much more strict surrounding prescription drug sales and possession due to the increase in prescription drug abuse. In addition, people who are in active addiction are likely to find some other means to get their drug, so it would do little to help the overall problem. I don't know about your friend's family situation, but they may be a better route to take if you are concerned about your friend. They may already be involved, but with your help you may be able to convince your friend to go to treatment willingly. That is usually better. In many states, there are also involuntary committal processes where a person's family may be able to convince a court to force the person into treatment. This varies from state to state. If your friend's family is not aware of this option, it may be something to look into. It usually does take a relative, or a medical provider, to begin this process if it is available. I hope this was helpful, and I wish you and your friend well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


Input: My brother is an addict. He has does nothing but ruin my family. I don't know how to cope with it anymore

Instruction: My brother has been a heroin addict for years, and he’s now in his mid-30s. He has taken from me my mom and my grandparents. He's sick in the head. Now he moved his girlfriend into the house because they both manipulated us. Today, my mom and my brother went toe-to-toe over his girlfriend not helping around the house and always being high. I ended up hitting my brother for getting so close to my mom's face. I feel terrible, but he's always picking his girlfriend over us. Mind you, he tells other girls that he hates his girlfriend, he's single, and she's only living here because he feels bad. We tried kicking them out and everything, but nothing is working. They do nothing to try and help.

Output: I think the best thing for you is to speak with someone on how you can best cope with the situation.  It can be challenging living in a household with someone who is currently addicted.  It is also important that you realize that you can only work on yourself.  Other individuals need to take the same accountability.  Enabling often happens in households with addiction. It can be a challenging environment to live in.


Input: How can I stop abusing alcohol?

Instruction: I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.

Output: What an important question. I'm hearing your hopelessness and fear about the damage of your substance use and it sounds like you have reason for concern. While there can be negative stigma about using substances, for the most part substance use is an attempt to cope with emotional distress in the absence of sufficient coping strategies. We all look for comfort when we are in pain and this may be the way that you are getting comfort - even though it is also hurting you. In order to stop using alcohol and weed you will need a lot of support and you will need to learn other ways of getting comfort when you are in pain or struggling with bipolar related symptoms. There is nothing to be ashamed of and we all need help when we are struggling. I would encourage you to reach out for support in any way that you can. Have you talked with your health care providers about your concerns or friends or family members? Here are some links of resources in Whistler that may be helpful:http://www.vch.ca/locations-and-services/find-health-services/?program_id=11035http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/service/9509054_9509054/whistler_mental_health_and_addictionshttp://mywcss.org/programs/counselling-assistance/http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/organization/9489472/alcoholics_anonymous_aa___squamishwhistler


Input: How can I stop abusing alcohol?

Instruction: I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.

Output: You may feel hopeless but YOU are not hopeless. Addictions of any sort are difficult to overcome, especially when they serve to bury pain and suffering that one is experiencing. It is not impossible to overcome alcohol or drug use/abuse/dependence on your own, but you will likely find much greater success with the help of a therapist or other support system such as rehabilitation or Alcoholics Anonymous. I suggest doing a bit of research to see what type of help is available and feasible for you in your area and go from there. Know that recovery takes time, willingness, and effort. Don't give up and remember that you are not hopeless. You can make the choice to change your habits and learn new ways of healthy coping. Best of luck to you!


Input: How can I stop abusing alcohol?

Instruction: I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.

Output: Anyone who wants to change their life path, eventually will be successful in this.  How to stop abusing alcohol involves a few steps, most of them time consuming, with slow progress and very often with tremendous emotional pain.The basic path is to figure out what motivates you to drink too much and be addicted to weed.  Almost always, addictions are rooted in the person having suffered feeling deeply ignored, humiliated, shamed, invisible, nothing very pleasant, since a very young age, usually starting around 18 months.Most often addicts are sensitive people who have been emotionally overburdened by the grownups in their family.With no outlet for emotional expression or nurturing, the frustration goes inward until the emotional pain feels very big and without an outlet.So, people mask and numb by substances, whether this is food, chocolate, work, alcohol, weed.Therapy that is humanistic based, is a better fit than one which is drug oriented and diagnosis oriented.If you'd like getting serious about knowing who you are, including any unfair treatment of you during your growing up years, you can do this.Once you have a stronger self-respect and awareness, you would naturally avoid substances because they harm people.  Harming oneself is the opposite of self-respect.Also, about your diagnosis, it may not be true at all.  the US healthcare system loves selling drugs to people and clinicians in agencies and clinics are encouraged to find something wrong with people in order to find a new customer who will take drugs.See if you can find a therapist who is independent minded, and therefore free to interact therapeutically with you as a human being, not as a potential customer if they are able to label you as having something "wrong".This simply continues the long line of being shamed by others that created the addiction problem in the first place.Good luck!


Input: How can I stop abusing alcohol?

Instruction: I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.

Output: This relationship with your step dad sounds very challenging. It is hard to to be told over and over again how not good enough we are. Let me offer you this, frequently when we say harsh, mean, nasty things to others, we are simply projecting our own thoughts about ourself. I am not advocating that this is ok, it seems like your stepdad could also use some support. You get to make your own empowered choice around this, this is your life and if you find yourself in a situation that does not suit you make a change.


Input: How can I stop abusing alcohol?

Instruction: I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.

Output: The first step to change is to admit that you have a problem that is in need of change.  Frequently our problems keep us in denial.  Although feeling hopeless is an uncomfortable feeling, it suggests to me that you know that you can not do this alone.  The best course of treatment for you is to treat all of these problems together.  Alcohol detox can be very dangerous so it is important that you do this under the supervision of a medical provider; preferably someone who specializes in addiction.  Know also that although marijuana may not appear to be as big as a problem as alcohol is, it will cause you to have an increase in alcohol cravings so complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol is needed. I really recommend an inpatient stay for at least 30 days for anyone who is dealing with addiction, whether combined with mental health issues or not.  If this is not a possibility, then the next best thing would be an Intensive outpatient program that treats both addiction and mental health issues.  Know that there is hope for what you are experiencing.  You can get control over these issues.  The next step is finding the team and/or facility that is going to help you do it.


Input: How can I stop abusing alcohol?

Instruction: I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.

Output: You are not hopeless, as you can see there are many people who care about your well being and believe you can overcome this.  I would suggest that you first get evaluated for your alcohol consumption.  Alcohol is one of the addictions that you may need to seek inpatient treatment for.  If not inpatient then be monitored by a doctor.  Once you are evaluated and or complete inpatient treatment I would suggest you participate in a form of outpatient therapy on a consistent basis.


Input: My daughter-in-law is smoking marijuana while pregnant

Instruction: My new daughter-in-law just informed me that she is smoking marijuana while pregnant because of her morning sickness. I’m in shock and I don’t know how to respond. I just lost my mom, and she was good with advice.

Output: Have you reached your own conclusions and reasons for these, regarding the topic?   When you feel confident in your own reasons for your conclusions, then obviously ask your daughter in law for some time together and tell her what you think and your reasons for opinions.Plan for this meeting according to the type of relationship you have with your daughter in law.Since your son will also be affected by the prenatal conditions of his child, he may also be interested in being part of this conversation.Also, during your discussion, find out the exact ways the morning sickness affects your daughter in law.It is possible that scheduling adjustments in routines can be made so your daughter has more time to rest or fewer responsibilities for a while until she feels better.Maybe you and other family members can lighten her daily routines so she has more time for herself to manage her morning sickness in a less risky way.Sending Good luck!


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: There is some great advice here that can really help, but you need some direct support.  Please find a caregiver support organization, a grief group and an individual therapist to help you during this trying time.  Your mom may not know what she is saying, or mean the awful things she says, but that doesn't make it hurt less.  Please take care of yourself and gt some help!


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: It is challenging to see one's parents age and to cope with the new demands.  Your mom means a lot to you, and that is why you get easily frustrated.  I'm guessing that it is not that she is making you do work or that her expectations are non-important to you because if that were the case, you would not feel any guilt.  Accepting the new stage will help you cope with the changes.  Take a deep breath every time you feel frustrated and think of the good times you shared with your mom before her getting Alzheimer's.  Remember that your mom as she was is no longer and that she has reverted to a more delicate phase.  Also, schedule time for yourself and do things that help you relax.  Caretaking of an elderly parent can take a toll on you, and it is essential to incorporate self-care.  Finally, look for an Alzheimer's support group in your area that will help you connect with other people going through the same thing.  You are a good daughter, and your mom is lucky to have you in her life.Sincerely, Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: Being a caretaker can be very rewarding and demanding. This is not easy work, particularly when the person you are caring for is experiencing significant changes in behavior functioning. In your mom's case, it appears that her personality has drastically changed, and not just toward you. The first thing is to keep in mind that this is not personal to you. Your mom is experiencing cognitive degeneration, which impacts how a person perceives the world around them and how they respond to it. Educating yourself about Alzheimer's and how to take care of yourself as a caregiver may be very helpful.  It is so important that you have support. It is challenging to take on the task of caring for a person. The adage, "it takes a village to raise a child," is no different in this case. Maybe have breaks for caring for your mom and have someone else help. In those times, you get away, engaging in tasks and activities that are fun and exciting to you. It also may be beneficial to reach out to support groups of caregivers of those with dementia or Alzheimer's.Lastly, individual counseling for you will be so helpful. Talk through these experiences and develop coping strategies such as deep breathing, self-validation, wise mind, or safe/calm place.


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: Getting to the root of what about her request upsets and frustrates you the most.  Does her asking ignite the realization of how much this condition has taken from her and subsequently you? When she asks for items, does it remind you of what this condition has truly done to her?  Anger is a secondary emotion, once we address what the true emotion is we can work thru anger and frustration. Self-Forgiveness is also important, her condition impacts you, and your feelings are valid.


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: Let's acknowledge the fact that your mom has Alzheimer's and some who you know about her is not present sometimes. That's a part of the disease, we know. Let's also acknowledge that just because she has Alzheimer's doesn't mean that when that comes up for her a part of your brain does pauses or becomes something rubber so that what you experience during that time bounces off of you and doesn't get placed into your subcortical brain or deep limbic system. Your brain still takes in what is coming at you and that is tough. You are human and you have feelings and your feelings are present  and they matter! You are right, it isn't her fault, it's a part of the disease. I often work with my clients in session on the present feelings through Brain/Bodyspotting to help cope with these feelings. If you know someone who does it, I would do a couple of sessions to notice the guilt, when it first came up, where you feel it in your body, what it does or tells you, or where it goes. In order for us to feel better, we can't avoid the experience, we have to give space for it, for your brain to work itself out. Hopefully that helps!


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: My love lots of empathy for you and your mother. I am not sure if you are taking care of her or not, but it is difficult to see people we love change. I think that your anger speaks about you may be frustrated with the mother you cannot have right now. This is also a loss as well. Your mother and her condition may impact her more with time. I think it is important for you to seek support with medical providers for guidance. They may be able to offer you connection to support groups for family members. Your mother is experiencing an illness that is also changing your life. If you are unable to be connected, find a therapist on your own to support you through your own feelings. Wish you the best for you and your mother.


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: It is hard to watch our parents age, especially when Alzheimer's is involved. I echo what others have recommended regarding the need for support for you as you deal with the changes that are going on physically and mentally for your mother. Alzheimer's steals so much, and when your mother is nasty or asking for things that seem nonsensical to you it can be hard to show love and patience. It is normal to feel anger, frustration, and guilt when you are faced with uncertainty, not knowing what your mother will be like or act like from day to day. I am not sure if you take care of her in your home or if you have placed her in a facility that cares for her. If the latter is the case, utilize the help of the facility's social worker. They are there to help you adjust to the changes you are experiencing while also helping to meet the psychosocial needs of your mother. It is okay to take a break as a caregiver, give yourself permission to have time away from the frontlines of care. When you can connect with an Alzheimer's Support Group, allow the group to help you. Share your frustration, these will be people who are walking in similar shoes and can help you find peace with the role you play at this stage of your mother's life. When you do spend time with your mother, take time to prepare your heart and mind for what you may experience. Remember that what your mother says and does is not coming from a place of knowing the consequences any longer. That can help when it feels like she aims to hurt or to willfully be mean to you or others.Finally, take time to make peace with anything that feels unfinished in regard to the life and memories you have shared with your mother. When Alzheimer's takes over a loved one's faculties I have seen many families struggle to try to find ways to make peace with this. No one plans for a parent to get Alzheimer's, how could they? Having an outlet to express grief, anger, and guilt can go a long way in helping you to cope with an uncertain future. I hope there is something in these words that encourages you as you care well for your mother.


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: It's a good question man, and it must be terrible to see your mother in the state she's in.Understand that Alzheimer's is due to under-performing function of kidneys, adrenals, and connective tissue strengtheners; all of which may be corrected with appropriate protocols that are inexpensive and generally simple to follow.Imagine it like a flower that is not fed properly:  A once, beautifully blossom flower APPEARS to be wilting, but it's life-force, spirit, and essence remain fully there and present.  And your mom hears you.Let's clean her out, and see her smile return.


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: Make sure that you continue to treat your Mom with respect. However, you also need to make sure that you have time away from her so that the stress of caring for her doesn't overwhelm you. Balance is the key!


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: You have the answer already. It is not your mom's fault. Always remember that in spite of the disease, that human being you call mom is still there. To cope with the feelings of frustration, anger, and guilt, practice accepting what is at this time. Bring peace to these feelings and commit to move on to provide your mom love. If you can, use mindfulness meditation to stay focus and calm your brain.


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: It is very difficult to move from being the child to be the care giver as in your situation. Your mother's behavior as you describe it is a part of this disease. As the disease progresses and she is less aware of the present including her surroundings and who she is speaking to. Your response of anger and frustration are understandable. It is also a part of the grief process as you see you mother slipping away mentally. In the moment that you feel the anger step away, take some deep breathes and give yourself time to calm down. Then return to whatever you were doing with her. Caregivers of Alzheimer's patients need a lot of support themselves. There are support groups  as well as respite services available in many areas that will help you understand the process that each of you is going through. You can get more information about Alzheimer's disease and local resources by going to www.alz.org


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: When you feel the frustration and anger building inside you have that be a trigger for you to remember a feeling that you want to experience instead of anger, frustration and guilt, for example understanding. Then say that word to yourself as you take deep breaths. But know that this is normal for caregivers/family members to have these reactions because it is also an emotional roller coaster for you. Even though it is normal it is still good to try to respond differentyl and I commend you for doing that. You also may want to look for a Caregiver Support group which will help you hear from others who also respond this way.


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: Let me first say that I am sorry you are going through this. Yes, this is a symptom of an ugly disease, but that does not make experiencing it any easier. If your mother was a sweet and understanding lady, I am sure this change in personality feels awful! On the other hand, if your relationship with her has always been difficult this can definitely open up old wounds and anger. I have walked alongside many families as they care for a loved one with Alzheimer's disease. It is unfortunately common to see mothers become cruel and mean toward their daughters. In your case, it sounds like she is not directing her anger at just you. While this may feel less personal, I am sure it makes finding supportive care for her very difficult. I have several quick tips that might help you cope with this situation. 1. Stay tuned in to your level of anger and frustration. If you can limit the amount of time you or anyone else is with your mother you can limit the caregiver burnout. It is completely NORMAL to feel what you are feeling!! However, these are the feelings that can lead to acting out and abuse when not acknowledged. It doesn't sound like this is the case for you, but healthy boundaries and exercising respite will help with your feelings of guilt as well. So, rotate care as much as possible.2. If you find yourself arguing with your mom, STOP. Don't worry, we have all been there before. No need to feel guilty, but this only serves to agitate someone. None of us enjoys being wrong and getting into an argument. For those of us who are able to logically engage with others, sometimes this type of interaction is necessary. Alzheimer's disease has robbed your mother of her logic, therefore arguing with her will only make matters worse. Try redirecting her instead. For tips on how to do this check out Teepa Snow (teepasnow.com)3. Take care of yourself and seek support. Support groups and counseling are a great way to tend to your needs during this long journey. Caregiving can be overwhelming, lonely and heartbreaking. You don't have to go through this alone. Check out Alz.org for support groups in your area.


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: From your initial description, I would say that your mother is "Maloriented". In this stage of Alzheimer's individuals tend to be blaming and difficult to deal with. They may often hide or throw things away and then blame family members for this. In addition, if they are incontinent, they may blame a leaky roof or something else when they are wet. You are correct that this is not her fault, but often for family members this does not make it any easier for you to cope. I strongly suggest that you learn communication strategies that will help you to communicate with your mother in a way that lets her work through the difficulties associated with the disease. I always suggest Validation techniques to family members.In addition, you need to give yourself some kind attention and take time out from your circumstances as needed. You need to be able to center yourself and come to acceptance that this is your mother's illness that is the problem, not her and certainly not you.


Input: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it

Instruction: My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Output: Yes, certainly your mom's difficulty in having meaningful conversations with people results from the Alzheimer's disease process which weakens her brain function.Feeling a sense of guilt in relation to a parent, is pretty common for everyone.This is because as little kids and babies, we had a strong reliance on a parent and believing every word they sad and wishing to follow each action they ask or demand, was for the benefit of our own survival.One way of coping with your feeling of guilt is to examine it.Ask what it is you're feeling guilty about?Chances are that your sense of guilt is less due to what you're currently saying or doing to help your mom.Very likely, your guilt feeling is awakening the sense of obligation that you and all of us feel toward a parent simply because parents seem to have unquestionable power when we are very young.After all, you're thoughtful enough to write a question, so chances are great that you're already actively involved in caring for your mom.


Input: I don't know how to deal with my boyfriend's father

Instruction: We rent from from my boyfriend's parents. His father drops by unannounced and stays for long periods of time. He lets himself into our home when we aren't there on a daily basis and takes our dogs to his house. He picks up our mail. He has NO boundaries.    He's an opinionated, rude pushy person. He expects to spend every weekend around us, gives unsolicited advice on child rearing and does not respect our privacy at all. He barges in with no warning. He has a key and lets himself into our house without asking permission. I need help. How do I address this?

Output: “He has NO boundaries.” That says it all! Enforce strict boundaries, set them, and abide by them.  Do not bend. What does your boyfriend say about his father’s intrusiveness? This video on Boundaries Could be helpful.  Also is there a chance you can move to have more privacy and peace?  Boundaries


Input: I don't know how to deal with my boyfriend's father

Instruction: We rent from from my boyfriend's parents. His father drops by unannounced and stays for long periods of time. He lets himself into our home when we aren't there on a daily basis and takes our dogs to his house. He picks up our mail. He has NO boundaries.    He's an opinionated, rude pushy person. He expects to spend every weekend around us, gives unsolicited advice on child rearing and does not respect our privacy at all. He barges in with no warning. He has a key and lets himself into our house without asking permission. I need help. How do I address this?

Output: You're expecting reasonable behaviors from your boyfriend's father.Since the father is his, your boyfriend is the person in position to speak directly with his dad about the expectations you and he have of the father.If your boyfriend has a good relationship w his dad, which is not what this sounds like, then great!If your boyfriend has a stressed and tense relationship w his dad, then somehow he needs to develop or be coached and encouraged by the people in his life who truly care about and know him, a way to state the very reasonable standards you describe here.If all else fails, then a new living space is always another possibility!


Input: Is it wrong that I don't love or even like my sister?

Instruction: I don’t love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but I’d rather be with my friends than be with her at all. It’s not just a "teenager phase." I still love my mom and dad, and I’m very close to them. However, it’s my sister I don’t love or have ever really liked at all.

Output: Not liking someone is not cruel - even if it is a family member. There is nothing wrong with you for not liking your sister. Some people are fortunate to have siblings that they get along with really well, other don't. We all have different personalities and we are not going to like everyone - even if they are related. In fact, sometimes being related makes it harder because you know all of each other's flaws and imperfections. With that being said - it may be worth it to make an effort to talk about the things that get in the way of having the kind of relationship that you might ideally want with your sister. Sometimes it is hard to like someone if we have a lot of old frustration and resentment and being able to talk about it in a constructive and kind way can lead to more understanding and respect, and sometimes actually liking each other.


Input: Is it wrong that I don't love or even like my sister?

Instruction: I don’t love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but I’d rather be with my friends than be with her at all. It’s not just a "teenager phase." I still love my mom and dad, and I’m very close to them. However, it’s my sister I don’t love or have ever really liked at all.

Output: No one can force emotions.   Its fine to not love your sister.You may make some discoveries about yourself and your relationship with your sister by studying the reasons for why you're not close.Usually this has something to do with how the parents positioned the kids.  Some parents obviously favor one child over another, and this would heavily influence how the kids view each other once they are grown people.The patterns of interaction set down during our growing up years stay with us until we change them consciously.Its possible your sense of not loving your sister started in your early years.You now have a chance to know your sister through your grown up eyes, or not.Either way, you still may decide you don't love her.