(Phone Vibrating)


(Phone Ringing)


Hello?


Why don't you just tell  me what's happened?


And what is it?


I'll be right down.


What's happened?


Oh, Susannah.


Susannah?


Princess Susannah.


Is she all right?


I don't know.


(wailing)


(Princess Susannah)  Don't kill me.


Please don't kill me.


(man)  Read the statement.


Yes. All right.


On this screen?


(man) That is correct.


I am Susannah,  Duchess of Beaumont.


Popularly known as  Princess Susannah.


I am in a place  you cannot find,


held by one you will not trace.


Prime Minister  Michael Callow,


Prime Minister Michael  Callow, my...my life...


my life depends on you.


If you do not do  precisely as instructed...


...by four pm this  afternoon, I will be......


...I will be executed.


What are you doing?  Keep it going.


Prime Minister,  at this point I think it's


important to say that we  are 100% certain that this


is indeed Princess Susannah.


Her car was intercepted


shortly after midnight,  returning from the wedding


of a college  friend of hers.


She'd insisted  on going.


But you had  security on her?


Two PPOs,  still unconscious,


heavy sedative, close range,  each with a single puncture  wound,


no sign of struggle.


What do they want?


Money?


Release of Jihadi?


Scrap Third World debt?


Save the fucking libraries?


We are convinced  both the video and the


demand it contains are genuine.


What demand?


What Susannah says next.


It concerns  you directly, sir.


Just play it.


(Princess Susannah)  There is only one demand,


and it is a simple one.


At four pm this afternoon,  Prime Minister Michael Callow


must appear on live  British television


on all networks,  terrestrial and satellite,


and...no...


(sobbing)


... on all British networks,  terrestrial and satellite,


and have full unsimulated  sexual intercourse with a pig.


I don't understand!


(Julian) The video ends  with a series of technical


specifications  for the broadcast.


Why are you doing this?


This is a joke? Right?


Ha-ha, Mike. Ho-ho.


It's real.


She said pig.


Sex with a pig.


They want me to  have sex with a pig.


Live, on television  this afternoon.


But what...


Who?


We're checking with  our embedded operatives,


compiling a list  of suspects as we speak.


Meanwhile, the  demand has been made,


and there's not long to  formulate our response.


Well, I'm not fucking a pig.


Page one,  that's not happening.


Of course.


Absolutely, sir.


Well, have we established  a dialogue with this...


We can't, there's  no e-mail address,


no codeword, no  channels for negotiation.


Okay, so we'll focus  on finding Susannah.


Hmm? We get her back.


And however it's done,  I don't care.


We stop this now.


I assure you, everyone's  working towards this.


Yes...no, not everyone,  a dedicated core team,


this can't go wide,


and keep it so far  from the press


it's on the other  side of Jupiter.


This only  exists in this room.


It's already outside it.


Well if there are hacks  sniffing around,  shut them down.


Bright red D notice.


Super fucking Godzilla  injunction


with ten-inch  Whitehall fangs.


This video came from YouTube.


What?


It was uploaded via an encrypted  IP over an hour ago.


Well get it off there!


We did, after nine  minutes,


but that was long enough  for it to be downloaded,


duplicated and spread.


Spread?


How many people  have seen this?


We take down one, six clones  immediately pop up elsewhere.


How many people?


50,000, that's  our current estimate.


The news rooms  have got it.


They're running  this on air?


No, no, we put a type  5D notice out immediately.


And they're complying.


For now, it's  trending on Twitter.


Oh for...  fucking Internet.


So what now?  What's the play book?


This is virgin territory,  Prime Minister.


There's no play book.


(woman) Princess Susannah's  been kidnapped.


You scared the  shit out of me.


And there's a  YouTube of it...


Oh, go to work.


(Princess Susannah)  ...and have full unsimulated


sexual intercourse  with a pig...


No way. It's a piss take,  man, look at it!


I don't understand!


Why's it not on the news.


(woman) ...Carlton Bloom's  controversial agitation


exhibition at the Tate Modern  closes three weeks ahead of


schedule amid criticism...


So how do we even describe it?  "An indecent act."


Everyone's seen the video.


They already know  the full details.


If we mention  bestiality pre-watershed,


Ofcom would be  seriously pissed off.


Fuck Ofcom.


We're still  observing the D notice.


But surely we're  going to do something...


We're honouring  the D notice.


The voluntary D notice.


It may be a sportsman-like  gesture,


but we are making it,


a woman's life is at stake here,  we follow procedure.


My time line consists  100 per cent of viewers asking


why we're not  covering it.


How do I reply?


You don't.


That is  totally backwards.


No-one else has broken rank,  not the Beeb, not Sky, not...


I hear Facebook's coverage  is pretty comprehensive.


(Laughter)  That may be, but...


(woman) It's like  9/11's happening


and we're broadcasting  sandwich recipes.


Martin We're not a chat room.


It's on CNN. And Fox.


And MSNBC, Al Jazeera, NHK...


Yeah, all right.


Oh, God, this planet.


Okay, Sarah, cover the snatch  itself, Damon public reaction,


Mira, the royal angle, upcoming  marriage etc.


Simon, set tone with standards  and practices.


we need to explain  this without viewers


sicking up  their Weetabix.


Lorcan, the Internet aspect, new  paradigm, Twitter, Arab spring,


all that bibble.


Dan, all graphics run past me,  keep it functional,


no pepper pigs.


Malaika, update the  Princess obit VT.


The obit VT?


Hm, first an awkward phone call,  the least I can do is warn Tom.


We put a D notice on it.


(Martin) It's gone global, Tom.


Don't.


(Martin) I can't do anything...


- I'm begging you.  - You're begging me?


Don't run it, Martin.


Look I'm sorry,  I can't help you.


You know how much help  you're getting from here on in?


Multiplying nothing by shit  all, UKN is dead to us.


Shove it up your ass,  you fucking...


Interesting?


A man.


A man?


Tom. So you're  across it,


I'm exploring contingency plans.


I briefed Callett.


Ah, Mr Callett,  Noel from Blue Eye.


Noel won an Emmy  for his effects work


on that HBO moon  Western thing.


Sea of Tranquillity.


Yeah, yeah, you  won't find better.


Can you map a head  onto a different body, live?


It depends if  your camera's moving.


Rule sheet specifies  a single hand held camera


in a constant roving motion.


Hm, yeah, Gonzo style,  he knows his shit.


That's tough.


"Fruition to be transmitted  in four." What does...


Just focus on the visuals,


different face mapped  onto a live performer.


According to  those stipulations.


Fringe is a possibility...


Deadline's at four, we need  to know if it's workable by two.


Can't happen.


It has to.


Our Embeds have ruled  out the major players.


It's not AQ, not IRA, this  is what's left,


radicals, hate groups,


people who threaten yourself  or the royals.


They're being pulled in  even as we speak.


And more than  questioning I hope.


Somebody knows something.


(news reader) If we all  do it more


then there'll be less waste  overall


lying around whenever  the bin men...


Is it still  not on the telly?


Nothing,  must be a hoax.


Or a black-out.


Oh! Heads up.


Some major breaking  news here now on UKN,


in the last few minutes


it's been confirmed that  Susannah, Duchess of Beaumont,


has been kidnapped.


A video uploaded anonymously


to the Internet, appears  to depict the princess


pleading for her life.


The video also contains  a bizarre ransom demand


of a personal nature  involving the Prime Minister.


This is followed by a  detailed list of instructions


relating to the  enactment of this demand.


As police round up  potential suspects...


Good morning.


...this UKN news viewer video  shows armed officers


raiding an address in Bradford,


a man thought to be connected  with a religious pressure group


can be seen being  dragged to a waiting van.


Details regarding the...


If it's terrorists,  they'll take her head off.


Fuck's sake, man.


Just saying.


They'll be asking for  a million quid or something.


They want him to do it  with a pig.


Telegraph has the whole video


and an interactive time line,  Tonilee Stark,


brief mention of  the ransom being a sex act,


nothing too gross.


The Sun runs with "Taken,  Big Brother Susannah" the...


Of course I still want  that drink.


(Malaika) Well then  give me something.


It's not...  that won't be possible.


I'm friendly when I drink, very  friendly when I'm grateful.


There's no comment at this time.


(disconnects)


(photo click)


The Guardian are running  a fucking live blog,


and a short think piece on the  historical symbolism of the pig.


(phone beep)


(Newsreader) ...4pm deadline  now only five hours away,


UKN's Damon Brown analyses the  public reaction to the crisis.


(Damon) It's a day  like no other.


The kidnapped video has now  been watched


by over 18 million  people.


The social networking sites  are abuzz


with an estimated  10,000 tweets per minute.


So while we wait  for Downing Street


to make a formal response,


there's no doubt that the  nation is voicing its opinion.


I don't think  anyone should concede to


any sort of humiliation  under that kind of threat.


I couldn't bare to  see that and watch that.


I won't personally be  tuning in,


I mean just thinking  about it, it's horrible.


(woman) That's disgusting,


it is disgusting  if you think about it.


(man) It's going to be  disgusting,


but after that,  he's going to be a hero.


(woman) People abroad  will look at him


like he is totally insane, and  maybe take his position away.


(woman) It would be absolutely  hilarious to see that on TV.


(man) Nothing too abnormal  for Prime Ministers and MPs,


they're all deviant,  sexual deviants,


all MPs and  Prime Ministers.


We've been squeezing hard,  but still nothing concrete.


It is my house,  you cannot stop me


while you're standing  in my doorway.


You are touching my  door handle.


Can I have a word?


It won't come to that.


And if they don't find her?


Mi5 have got a name. They're  surrounding the place now.


Where?


What?


Where's the place?


- Truro.  - Why are you lying?


You're lying.  Truro? Jesus.


I don't want  you worrying.


You never patronise  me, don't start now.


Whoever this is,  is insane.


And has a Princess.


Who'll get through this.


Not just any princess,  The Princess, Princess bloody


Facebook, bloody eco-conscious,  national sweetheart.


I won't have  to do anything.


Everyone's  laughing at us.


You don't know that.


I know people.


We love humiliation,  we can't not laugh.


Nothing is  going to happen.


It's already  happening in their heads.


In their heads,  that's what you're doing,


what my husband is doing.


Just...


Please?


Jane.


I love you.


(Knock At Door)


What?


The palace on the phone, sir.


Get Alex to stall  them for a minute.


She's already been speaking  to her for ten minutes.


Her?


It's the queen herself.


Go on.


As the four pm deadline draws  nearer and the world holds


its breath waiting to discover  whether Princess Susannah...


Would they  use a female pig?


It's on the list.


They list the rules  at the end of the video,


it specifies camera  angles and things.


Like Dogme 95.


It's not like Dogme 95.


Exactly like it.


What's Dogme 95?


Cinematic movement.


Lars Von Trier.


Oh.


List of rules for the  director, no background music,


only natural light and so on.  For authenticity.


Same as these rules, so  they can't cheat it,


intercut another guy's  arse pumping away.


I mean I can't think  of anything remotely like this.


it's an entirely new  form of terrorism,


the point of which...


If it's terrorism,  it's not Islamist in nature


to request a pig.  It's specifically abhorrent...


Well that's exactly the  point, to make love to a pig.


Make love?


Steer them away from  the grisly details.


But we can't  discount anything...


Let's not dwell on  any of the details.


this is already a huge national  talking point.


isn't this precisely what  whoever is behind this


is looking for?


(Alex) How's her  majesty taking it?


I trust you'll do everything  in your power to get her back.


That's what she said.


And we are.


It wasn't a collective you,  it was a singular you, i.e. me.


Sir, we may have something.


Jamie's been  tracing the video's origin.


I thought it was untraceable.


Technically yes,  but so I thought,


work with what we  do know, and that video?


Okay, before YouTube  compression it was 57.3 meg...


...algorithm, boring.


Anyway, we also know  it was uploaded at 3:16am,


so I ran a nationwide  trace back on uninterrupted


one way uploads at precisely  57.3 meg in the minutes


leading up to 3:16,


and the closest I can get  is a post code.


But it came  from somewhere in there.


Looks like a campus.


(Jamie) Yep, closed 2010  and it's been empty since.


And the latest i-sat  on this image on this area?


(Jamie) Three am flyover  shot from last night.


Looks like  it had lights on.


We've got him.


Alert the local  team, we'll head out now,


full squad, I'll man it.


With helmet cam relay.  We can watch the operation.


Press office, okay Tom?


Yes!


Right, confident?


It's a bit of a kick  bollocks scramble


but with finessing,  it should be okay.


Well, finesse quickly,  our performer's on his way.


It's a new one for me,  obviously, because it's illegal.


I wouldn't  normally, you know.


Have you seen any of my films?


No.


Well I'm pretty trad, bish,  bash, bosh, in and out.


Yep, well what'd I put  on the invoice?


That's what I'm wondering?


There won't be  any invoicing.


Oi, oi, Rod.


Oi, oi. Saveloy...  all right...


You need to prep two statements  on the rescue operation,


good outcome,  bad outcome.


The rescue operation?


The goon squad's heading  for some postcode


in Buckinghamshire.


HP8 4TD,  it's a college or something.


They should be there by now.


(keypad beeping)


(cell beep)


(zipper,  camera click)


Yeah, reduce the luminance  of the chroma key...


Agent Callett,  this is Mr. Flynn.


Aka Rod Senseless.


Stage name.


Yeah, well.


You need to get into this.


Is there a dressing  room I can use?


No.


Where's my co-star?


It'd be rude not to give her  a bit of a kiss beforehand.


Outside, in the truck.


Full of joie de vivre,  isn't he?


You also need to wear this.


On your head.


(Walker) Board's been prized  away, that's where they got in.


Okay.


Target identified.


- Commissioner.  - Thank you.


Saw Team Red, it's probably  a possible entry point.


Any orders, boss?


Continue reconnaissance  and await instructions  before you proceed.


(newsreader) With the 4pm  deadline only three hours away,


time is running out  for the prime minister.


So how did the kidnapper  get close to the princess


who was making an unscheduled  visit to her friend's wedding?


Have they gone in yet?


Do you think  I'd be here if they had?


I've got statements  for either outcome.


Listen, the coverage  is very sympathetic.


I can't think  about coverage now.


No, of course.


But it's onside?


Strong undercurrent of sympathy.


Every poll indicates   public understanding.


disgust with the captor,


outraged at the whole  thing, but not at you.


The fact is,  if Walker's team fuck up,


I'm not saying they will,  but if they do,


the public anticipates  non-compliance.


There'll be squawks  from the usuals,


but it's not England expects.


If he kills her, there's  no blood on your hands.


Bottom line.


With just hours to go  before the deadline,


time is running out  for the security services.


Joining us is actress  Lydia Galway, who attended...


(Martin) Thought this story  was coming from IB7.


(woman) It is, but we trimmed  the edit so it's coming direct.


Where do I know  Twinkle Toes from?


Actress, Downton Abbey,  knows the princess.


This came for you,  left at reception.


Thanks, Jack.


Courier dropped it off.


(woman) 20 seconds  on the end, thanks.


Plug this in.


- Oh, Jesus!  - (gasps all around)


Shit.


Jesus.


Jack, call the police.


- (Jack) What me?  - (Martin) Please take it.


(woman) Get someone  to shoot that first.


(Martin) What the fuck is this?


(woman) "I gave you rules,  I said no cheating."


(Susanna screams)


(Martin) Ooh, urgh.


Some more breaking news  now, and a severed finger


thought to belong to  Princess Susannah,


has been delivered to UKN,


along with a video, apparently   showing the kidnapper


removing it from the Princess.


UKN News has passed all  material to Scotland Yard.


Fucking hell.


Oh, God, I can't watch this.


He's got to do what they want.


Yes, he fucking has.


(newsreader) ...accompanied by  a memory stick which contained


a statement accusing Downing  Street of attempting to break


rules laid down in  the demands.


Well, this grim development


comes just hours before the  4pm deadline out...


(mutes TV)


Jesus.


Unless I'm mistaken,


our mystery man specified no  visual trickery


in his original demand  didn't he?


I considered it nec...


Considered it necessary.


- ...to devise...  - Fucking hell!


Oi!


- Mike?  - Don't.


It's nor...


One word and I swear I  will fucking...I'll get...


What did you do, Alex?


I had a back up plan.


Man prepared to do it,  and an FX company


that'd paint your head  onto his shoulders.


And you actually  thought that would work?


I believed it worth considering.


Then you're a stupid bitch.


With your interests at heart.


Who knew about this?


A select few, it seems some  idiot at the studios


recognised our designated  performer, tweeted a photo,


and the online hive mind  did the maths.


It's not playing well.


With who?


With er...with anyone.


(man) A few hours ago,


public opinion was behind  Prime Minister Callow


with only 28 percent  of the public believing


he should fulfil the  bizarre and illegal request.


But in the wake of these images


and with the delivery of the  Princess's severed finger  to UKN,


the mood is shifting.


(woman) It'll be humiliating,


but nothing compared  to her suffering.


(man) With the appearance  of the finger,


he's just got to do it.


(man 2) He has to do it,  what's the alternative?


(man 3) We can easily  get another Prime Minister,


but we can't live  without a princess.


Of course he  should do it.


Well, if he doesn't  get her released,


you know, he's finished  isn't he?


(reporter) Online polls  suggest that 86 percent


of voters now believe  the demand should be met.


Damon Brown, UK.


When are Walker's team  hitting the college.


They need time to assess...


It's almost half two,  no more pissing around.


Julia's advising against it.


And I'm advising  for, they go in now.


They go in now.


(dials phone)


(phone rings)


Where's my obit VT?


What would you say if I told  you I was standing near the


building where  Susannah's being held.


I'd say bullshit.


Then you'd be wrong.


Have you got  a crew with you?


No, I'm not stupid.


Malaika? Hello?


(Malaika) Are you getting this?


Yeah, we are.


Stay back, don't put  yourself in any danger.


(Malaika) Still getting this?


Yeah, yeah, we are, just  stay safe Malaika, be careful.


If this doesn't work...


We need to...


God.


(Shouting)


(Soldier)  Lie down on the floor.


Go!


Stand where you are!


Fuck.


It's a decoy, they must have  bounced the upload from here


with the proxy. They could  be anywhere. I'm sorry.


(Martin) Oh, Jesus.


They're  looking right at her.


No, they can't see her,  there's this screen here.


(woman) Malaika,  make sure they can't...


Lay down!  (Shouting)


Run, Malaika, run!


(Martin) Get out  of there, come on!


(soldier) Stay where you are!


(shouting)


(Gunfire)


Is it him?  Have we got him?


Jack!  Where the fuck is Jack?


(Malaika groaning)


(Soldier) Down, down.


UKN, that's Malaika something  or other, she's from UKN.


- You're press?  - Yes.


(gun shot)


Ah...ah...


There goes your RTS award.


There must be something.


There's nothing there, Mike.


There'll be a clue,  some evidence.


We've done all we can.


You sent in a strike  team to rescue a manikin.


I'm sorry, Michael.


Oh, fuck off, Julian.


Michael, it's twenty past  three, we're out of time.


We're not out of time.


Oh...


It's not going to happen.


To the public...


Fuck the public.


To the public this would  be one man of, to be blunt,


questionable popularity,  putting personal embarrassment


over the life of a young girl.


He won't even  release her anyway,


she's probably already dead.


And if she isn't he'll kill  her and upload the video.


Everyone will see it.  The world will see it.


The mood will border on  insurrection,


and you will be destroyed,  I guarantee you.


Utterly destroyed.


The polling  bears that out.


You won't just be a  disgraced politician,


you'll be a despised individual.


The public, the Palace, and the  party insist on compliance.


Fuck the party.


Refuse, and I've been  advised that we cannot


guarantee your physical safety.


Or that of your family.


But...


I've made arrangements  for the broadcast.


I can't.


I'm sorry Michael,  it's out of your hands.


Let's take you live now to  the scene in Central London.


As we see, the Prime Minister's  car travelling across London...


He's going to do it.


The world's bloody broken.


...now appears to be heading  west to Bankside Studios.


(dials phone)


(phone rings)


(hangs up)


(Alex)  We've ratified the law,


after midnight it'll be a  criminal offence


to store any recording  or still images of the event.


They're doing an announcement  beforehand


to warn people off  even watching,


some sort of sonic tone  that causes nausea.


(newsreader) Of course, this  comes at a time when opinion


has very much hardened...


(newsreader) As the 4pm  deadline approaches,


the whole nation is at a  standstill


watching this extraordinary  situation play out.


And just to remind you,


this is now a story  of global significance.


(Tom) "Michael Callow has  displayed incredible bravery


in what was literally a matter  of life or death."


That's how it opens,


and then I think we  should move onto...okay, yep.


(Alex) Everything prepared?


(Mr Callett) Yes, ma'am.


- It's sedated?  - Injection, it's docile.


(Alex) It's time to go in now.


...an unprecedented nature.


(announcer) This is an  official announcement.


In a few minutes,  the Prime Minister


will perform an indecent  act on your screens.


(cheers)


This is in accordance with the  kidnapper's demand in the hope


that it will ensure the safe  release of Princess Susannah.


Recording or possessing  a copy of this broadcast


will become illegal  at midnight.


All viewers are advised


to turn off their  televisions immediately.


The broadcast will commence  after the following tone.


(High Pitched Tone)


We're complying with  all the stipulated rules,


so you'll have  to keep going.


You'll have to see it  through to the end.


We've placed visual aids in your  eye line


which might help if you...  get into trouble.


A suggestion we're getting  from psychologists is


that you should take  as long as you need.


To rush might be misinterpreted  as eagerness or even enjoyment.


It's just a skeleton  crew inside.


Closed set.


(Pig Snorting)


(Man) He might do it anyway!  There he is...


(cheers)


I trust this will bring  about the safe return


of Princess Susannah.


I...


I love my wife.


Aah.


May God forgive me.


(laughing)


(Man) Urgh.


(no audible dialogue)


Jesus.


Poor bastard.


No.


But it's been on  for nearly an hour.


It's history, this.


(vomiting)


(phone rings)


(Walker) She's back, ma'am.  We've got her, Susannah.


They released her?


Yeah, stumbling about in the  middle of the city, sedated,


she can't remember anything,  but she's unharmed.


But her finger?


Not hers, the  DNA shows it's male.


What?


There is one other thing  ma'am, there's a CCTV grab


of her from half three,  it seems he let her go


30 minutes before it happened.


Why?


My guess, he  knew everyone would be


elsewhere, watching screens.


So it's a statement.


Ma'am?


That's what this was all  about, about making a point.


Should we...


Lose that page of the report.


No-one sees it,  especially the PM.


Of course.


Good news, Michael,  you saved her.


Susanne is alive and well.


(phone rings)


(drops phone)


On the one year anniversary  of his humiliating ordeal,


an apparently unconcerned  Michael Callow


put in an assured performance  at a public appearance today


accompanied by his wife Jane.


Here I go! Okay.


Oh! Aah!


The other central figure  in last year's events was also


before the camera


at last night's  Children Of Valour awards.


Princess Susannah made  her first public appearance


since announcing her pregnancy.


It was one year ago today


that the former Turner Prize-  winning artist


Carlton Bloom coerced  the Prime Minister


into committing an indecent act  with the audacious kidnapping.


As the anniversary arrived  one art critic has caused


controversy by describing  it as the first great artwork


of the 21st century.


but while cultural commentators  debate its significance,


there's no denying  that with a global audience


of 1.3 billion,


it was an event  in which we all participated.


However, the incident  failed to destroy


a Prime Minister who currently  holds an approval rating


three points higher than  this time last year.


Damon Brown, UKN.


Jane?


Jane please?


(rooster crows)


(man)  New from Wraith Babes,


the hottest girls in the  nastiest situations.


(music plays)


(motor whirring)


(man)  Let's play Bothergut...


Let's play Botherguts!


Yeah!


Hey, come on!  Three. Two. One. Go!


(laughing)


- Cacker-rum-bum!  - (laughing)


(stomach rumbling)


You're hungry?  That's a first, eh?


Come on!


That'll hurt!


Oh, brilliant!


That's fucking  brilliant that.


(beeping, clunk)


(beeping, no clunk)


That one does  that sometimes. Hang on.


There's a little  knob in here somewhere.


Almost the only real thing  in there and even that's


grown in a Petri dish.


Thank you.


(violin music)


(man breathing heavily)


My God.


(girls moaning)


(Girl 1) Mmm, lickey licking.


(Girl 2) Oh!


Oh, for Christ's sake!


Way to mood kill, Blubber Not!


Cheers for the reflection!


One minute I'm in Slitsville,


the next there's a  haunted pig gawping at me!


They may as well have   cut to a war crime! Ah!


Oi!


You missed a bit.  (laughs)


Pie ape!  (laughs)


Did you see that?


Fucking pie ape!


(loud coughing)


Ha-hoo!


He'll be in lemon  an' all before long.


(gun shots)


(announcer)  Selma Telse!


Destination


Howie Mandelbrot.


All


Toy Soldiers.


Make it worth...


(announcer) Each headlines  their own tempo content on one


of your eight daylight streams.


But they started here,  like you,


putting their back into  giving back for a brighter now.


Each paying their dues  like you,


hoping to become a Hot Shot.


Pushing through  the darkness


Still another mile


That wasn't good.


That was beyond  incredible!


(cheering)


Yes! Wow!


You decide the victors.  You control their fate.


You make the call on Hot Shot.


New from Wraith Babes,


the hottest girls  in the nastiest situations.


Select view.


(woman)  Resume viewing.


(keeps repeating, with high  pitched tone in background)


(music and moaning girls)


You are going to see it all.


(man)  Exclusively on Wraith Babes Xl.


Hey, what else were you  planning to do with that hand?


(girl) Lickey licking.


(moaning)


(woman 1) Hi, I'm Roxy. Hello.


(woman 2) Hi, I'm Evie.


(rooster crows)


(woman) Didn't let him sign in.  Told him to report to 22 down.


Told ya!


He's gone lemon,  the lazy fuck.


What do you think?


It's a bit much.


Yeah.


(Selma Telse) The best  thing about my new lifestyle?


Where do I start?


I love choosing my  clothes, and I love gold.


I feel like it really  expresses who I really am.


And I love looking  over outside.


It's so beautiful sometimes


I just wish that everyone  could see it.


Ooh, nice outfit!  Suits ya!


(Selma Telse) Well, honesty  is ruthless,


so I suppose   it's just honesty.


Ruthless honesty.


(peeing)


You can blame me,  try to shame me,


Still I'll care for you


The world may  think I'm foolish


They can't see you  like I can


Oh, but anyone


Who knows  what love is


Will understand


Drying my hands.


Impressive.


(spits, farts)


Have fun,  I mean on the...


(man) Hey, regular  user, new from Wraith Babes,


the hottest girls in the  nastiest situation. Select...


Dick.


Detritus.


Sorry.


Anyone


Who knows what love is


To the...


(loud music)  (man) Selma Telse!


Destination


All


Howie Mandelbrot.


(mutes)


Will understand


(beeping, no clunk)


Come on!


Wait, wait,  there's a knack to it.


It'll take your fingers off.


Trust me.


Smart.


Bing Madsen.


Short for Bingham.


Abi Khan.


Short for Abi Khan.


You're a new person.  I've not seen you.


I just went 21 last week.


I wanted to go to air down.


My sister's there but ...  it was full apparently.


Proper fruit.  It was worth the revs.


The most natural thing  in there's probably


grown in a Petri dish.


Yeah. Worth it though.


Yeah, that's the  right way around.


When you get the  cheap, lardy gunk,


you end up having  to pedal it off.


Then you want more sugar, then  you're playing catch-up and...


I've...I've been there.  It's a, it's a vicious circle.


Can't you just use that CBT app?


What's that?


This cognitive behavioural thing  and it realigns your thinking


to pick healthy food.


Wisps you into it  while you sleep.


Yeah, I should try that, yeah.


I liked your singing  the other day.


I was trying to sing so   no one could hear me pee.


I'm not Selma or anything.


You've got a phenomenal voice.  It was the most beautiful song.


You think I'm being cheesy.


Right, I am being cheesy but  it was beautiful so, you know?


Reality's cheesy sometimes.


Not often, admittedly,  but now...


Yeah.


Well, thank you.


It's just noises though.


Noises in the right order.


Don't downplay.  You're good.


The song's good.


It's old.


My mum used to sing it and  she learnt it from her mum.


A hand-me-down.


Have you thought of  trying out for Hot Shot?


Me?


Why not?


Singing in front of Judge Hope.  I'd die.


Seriously, I'd be halfway to  the afterlife come the chorus.


No, you'd walk it.


A) I wouldn't, and B) I  don't have that clockage.


I mean, it's what,  12 mil just to enter?


What kind of bike time  is that, six months?


Yeah, but...  You know what,  I'm hand-to-mouth.


I know people save and starve  to get on to that stage.


I know that's what Selma did.


Yeah, but...  But, you know what, I'd  rather not kid myself.


Yeah, but I'll gift it to you.


The full 12, I'll gift it.


Don't be ridiculous.


Seriously, I've got spare.


You've got 12 mill spare?


Well, my brother left it me.


Own a channel, does he?


No, he ... he died.


He ... he died last year so  it got transferred to me.


Just over six months'  worth, but I've kept it.


Why don't you spend  it on you then?


And buy what, some new  shoes for my dopple to wear?


I don't know, upgrade your MOS.


Or get a Fat Acts season pass.


Buy one of those wall buddies,  the new ones.


They talk to you after shut in  and solve your problems.


They guide your  dreams like gurus.


It's amazing actually  what they can do.


Yeah, a mirror  plug-in that shows me how


I look as a werewolf.  What's the point?


No, it can be quite fun.


That's all just stuff.  It's...


...it's stuff,  it's confetti, it's...


You've got something real.


What better to spend it on?


You heard me  singing in a toilet.


Is that real?


More than anything that's  happened all year.


I can't take that kind  of clockage off someone.


It's 12 mill.  There's no way.


Let me do this. Hmm?


Well, I...  look around here. I just...


I just want  something real to happen.


Just once.


I'd mess up.


You wouldn't and I  don't care anyway.


I'll go with you.  No, better, I'll force you...


I'll force you to go.


It's tomorrow.


Come on.


Say yes.


I'll go as far as to say okay.


This proves acceptable.


Thank God for that.


Walking away now ... you loon.


I can live with it.


Yeah, I'd love to fucking  ruin that an' all.


What?


Flipping joke.


New from Wraith Babes,


the hottest girls  in the nastiest situations.


(loud moaning)


I can't believe I'm doing this!


I am doing this.


I can't be doing this.  Can you trade it back?


The ticket?  Don't be mad.


It's a lot of pressure to put  someone under, you know.


I mean, I'm grateful, don't  think I'm not grateful,


but it's, it's just...


You're babbling.


I'm babbling.


I made you this.


You never get to keep  them more than a day,


but there it is anyway.


It folds flat so you can  keep him in your waistband.


Thank you.


It's, you know, something.


Mmm.


Face the screen, please.


And is he your friends  and family allocation?


Yeah.


Hand, please.


Ah!


That's not permanent, is it?


Oh no, two months max.


Round to the right and  through the scanner.


(all doing voice exercises)


Where do we go now?


You wait here.


How long?


So, what do we do?


I don't know.


(girl)  Ah.


Hey, hey!  Fuck off!


What, with the dark hair?


Yeah, the pretty one.


Yep, okay.


Move.


They wanna preview you.


What?


Preview. Come on.


He's with me.


Hand.


Show me your hand.


Okay, you too.


That's not fair.  She's new. That's not fair.


I don't pick the order.


I've waited here all week  and she's just walked in!


Everyone will get  seen eventually.


I don't pick the order!


But I'm a good singer!  I can sing!


I'm a good singer I am!


Stand aside.


It's not fair!


Next lot.


(woman) Stand there.


Would you like to be as  big as Selma one day?


Um, yeah.


I, I, I mean,  yeah, I suppose so.


Could you say that as  a self-contained


sentence into that screen?


I guess I'd like to be  as big as Selma one day.


(woman) Okay,  proceed to stage area.


We're done?


Both performing?


Just her.


Okay. And what are you?


Singer.


Compliance.


No, thanks.


Yes, thanks! It's compulsory  for all contestants.


And more to the point it'll  stop you puking with nerves.


She's got to perform?


Well, uhm!


Look, just sip it!  You'll be fine!


Oh.


Yeah, it's just a touch  of light foam. It'll pass.


Well, make the most of it!


I mean, you can't get   this stuff anywhere else!


You okay?


Yeah.


Yeah, just...


I don't know, everything's  a bit wider apart.


I'm fine.


Really?


Yeah, I'm fine.


Right, you're on.


(Judge Hope)  A little closer, please.


A little closer.


Into the light, love.


(audience laughs)


And who are we looking at here?


Abi Khan.


What are you gonna  do for us today, Abi?


I'm gonna sing.


Can you speak up, love?


We don't bite.


I'm going to sing.


Hey, would you mind  lifting up your top for me?


Hey, can you take off  your top?


I wanna check out  those titties.


Woo-ho-ho-ho!


Come on, mucho ferranto.


Ah, no titties!


(booing)


She says she's here to sing.


(Judge Wraith) Ha, ha, ha.  I gotta see those titties,  though.


Come on, girl.


I mean, damn, ha,  ha, ha, ha, you hot.


Please, just sing for us.


(music starts)


You can blame me


Try to shame me


And still I'll  care for you


You can run around


Even put me down


Still I'll  be there for you


The world


May think I'm foolish


They can't see you  like I can


Oh, but anyone


Who knows what love is


Will understand


I just feel so sorry


For the ones who pity me


'Cause they just don't know


Oh, they don't know what  happiness and love can be


I know, I know  to ever let you go


Oh, is more than I  could ever stand


Who knows what  love is


Okay, I'm gonna stop you there.


That was...  without a doubt...


probably...


the best piece of singing  we've had this season.


Yes! Well done!


(cheering)


Fair play.


But I have to say...


(crowd booing)


No...


No. No, no, no, I have to say,


actually I'm with Wraith  on this one.


Good though your voice  is and it is good...


it's not the most magical sound  in the world.


It's just good.


I don't think anyone's  really hearing it.


Certainly not the  guys in the audience.


These looks you got going  on kinda get in the way.


Men will want you,  women will hate you.


All the time  you were on stage...


I couldn't help  picturing you...


in an erotic scenario.


Getting pretty turned on,  if I'm honest.


Right.


You've got this pure beauty,


seems to be a  knockout figure,


and this sort of  interesting innocence going on,


and that's  something I think


Wraith's erotica channels  could really play with.


(Judge Wraith) Absolutely.


That's what I thought the  moment I saw you. The moment.


I'd watch.


I don't know a man  here who wouldn't.


To be honest, some of  us girls might join you.


(cheering)


Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.


Get off me!


No! Abi! No!


I don't, I don't...


Get gone! No, Abi! Abi!


I don't think that's  quite what I was...


You will never have to pedal  again, not one minute!


We could really work with you.


Last year we had singers,  singers, singers.


So many singers.


So to be a singer you've  gotta be truly exceptional.


Yeah.


(Judge Hope) There's  just no slots left for an


above-average singer, not for  the next few years at least.


Charity?


No. Saturation  point singer wise.


(Judge Hope) Listen, we said  right from the start


we're gonna go with something  different this season.


That's why he's on the panel!


She would be a star  on our stream.


A star!


On his, you're  furniture at best.


Forget about all the  shame and all that...


put-put-put-put-put-put.  We medicate against that.


You will have pleasure forever!


Realistically, sweetheart,  it is that or the bike.


I don't, I don't think...


Okay, you know what,  this is starting to annoy me.


Who do you think is  powering that spotlight?


Millions of people, that's who,  all of 'em out there right now,


putting in an honest day  at the bike.


While you stand in the light,  they're generating and dither.


You know what?


They would give anything,


do anything to be where  you are now. Am I right?


(cheering)


(woman) Yeah, too right!


(Hope) You wanna cock a snook  at all that as though it's


nothing... as though  they're nothing...


and that makes me sick.


But do you know what?


Maybe you do belong on a bike  because you don't seem


very willing to step off it.


I do want to.


Do we have a decision?


(audience) Do it!  Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!


I suppose.


Ah, hoo-hoo-hoo!  Go on!


Well done!


(Abi) The best thing  about my new lifestyle...


I get to meet  lots of hot guys.


Wraith treats me well.


Oh, for Christ's sake!


I pay for this!


I pump my arse off  and you, fuck you!


Yeah, keep waddling, pig tits!


Find the horizon and  fuck off over it!


(Abi) It's a dream.


I get to live in a...


beautiful place and...


wear lots of beautiful things.


It's a dream.


Insufficient funds.


New from Wraith Babes...


(man) Come on, girl.


All


...a Wraith Babes  reality special.


I guess I'd like to be  as big as Selma one day.


(man) Millions watched  her glide through


the Hot Shot curtain of  dreams to sing her heart out.


Oh, but anyone


What happened next  shocked them all.


We could really work with you.


Do we have a decision?


(man) Now, watch her  stunning erotic debut.


No, no, no, no, no.


(man) Let's go.  Who do we have here?


I'm Abi.


You entered Hot Shot.  You were real impressive.


(woman)  Resume viewing. Resume viewing.


No!


Resume viewing. Resume viewing.  Resume viewing...


(man) Look at you,  all clean and shit.


(woman) Portal  disabled during commercial.


(man) You'll see  everything. You'll see it all.


Open your mouth.


Open.


Take it in. Take it in, ah.


Yeah.


No! No!


(man grunting)


(Abi)  Anyone


Who knows what love is


Will understand


Anyone


New from Wraith Babes,  the hottest girls in


the nastiest situations.


(laughing)


(huffing)


(beeping)


(vocal exercises)


Can you stand aside, please.


Okay, we're gonna preview you.


You wanna come up into the back.  Follow me, please.


Are you messing?


A what nic one?


Oh, an ethnic one.


Uh...


On it.


Mate, we're gonna  preview you, all right?


Do you wanna follow  me in the back?


You're a prick!


Next lot.


(woman) Stand there.


So what are you, a magician?


An entertainer.


Could you say  that down the screen


as a self-contained sentence?


I'm an entertainer.


(woman) Before you go on you  need to drink a Compliance.


Yeah, they gave  me one back there.


Really? Oh, okay. Well, in that  case you are good to ... go.


Who are you?


Bing Madsen.


(Hope) What are you  planning to do for us?


What the fuck!


(Bing) A sort of performance.


A sort of performance?


Yes.


Mmm! A man of mystery!


(Hope) Well, I suppose  we'd better see it.


Okay.


(music starts)


(no audible dialogue)


Knob-head!


Fucking cock!


(Bing)  Stop there or I'll do it.


This is a main artery.  Keep walking, you kill me.


No one stops me, not  till I've said my piece then


you can do what you like.


(Wraith) Oh man,  just fucking kill yourself.


But you get any on me, dog, I  swear to God I'd kick your ass


back to life, just so I could  cut your goddamn head off.


Go on!


(man) Do it, you fucking tosser!


I think we should let him speak.


(audience)  Speak! Speak! Speak!


Let's hear what he has to say.


Well, come on, got our  attention, as requested.


What do you wanna say?


Have you prepared a  speech, is that it?


Speak!


I haven't got a speech!  I didn't plan words.


I didn't even try to.  I ... I just knew I had to


get here to stand here and I  knew I wanted you to listen.


To really listen, not just pull  a face like you're listening,


like you do the  rest of the time.


A face like you're feeling  instead of processing.


You pull a face and poke it  towards this stage and we


la-di-da, we sing and  dance and tumble around.


And all you see up  here, it's not people,


you don't see people  up here, it's all fodder!


And the faker the fodder  is the more you love it


because fake fodder's the  only thing that works anymore!


Fake fodder is all  that we can stomach.


Actually not quite all.


Real pain, real viciousness,  that we can take.


Yeah, stick a fat man up a pole  and we'll laugh ourselves feral,


because we've earnt  the right! We've done cell


time, and he's slacking, the  scum, so ha-ha-ha at him!


'Cause we're so out of our minds  with desperation, we don't know


any better! All we know  is fake fodder and buying shit!


That's how we speak to each  other, how we express ourself


is buying shit!  Well, I have a dream.


The peak of our dreams  is a new hat for our dopple;


a hat that doesn't exist;  that's not even there!


We buy shit that's  not even there! Show us


something real and free and  beautiful you couldn't, yeah?


It'd break us.  We're too numb for it.


I might as well choke.


There's only so much wonder we  can bear, that's why when you


find any wonder whatsoever you  dole it out in meagre portions,


and only then till it's  augmented and packaged and


pumped through 10,000  pre-assigned filters, till it's


nothing more than a  meaningless series of lights,


while we ride day-in day-out,  going where? Powering what?


All tiny cells and tiny screens,  and bigger cells and bigger


screens, and fuck you!


Fuck you, that's what it  boils down to is fuck you!


Fuck you for sitting there and  slowly making things worse.


Fuck you and your spotlight and  your sanctimonious faces, and


fuck you all for taking the  one thing I ever came close to


anything real about anything;  for oozing around it and


crushing it into a bone, into a  joke, one more ugly joke in a


kingdom of millions of them!  Fuck you for that happening!


Fuck you for me,  for us, for everyone!


Fuck you!


That was without a  doubt...


the most heartfelt thing


I've seen on this  stage since Hot Shot began!


(cheering)  Yeah!


Brilliant! Yeah!


(Hope) You!


You're so articulating someone  we all... and I mean


everyone in this hall,  something we all agree on.


Even though we may not  comprehend all of it,


I think I'm right in  saying we do feel it.


Even me.


I know you've got me  down as this creature.


But, you know, hey,  I get where you're coming


from and I like your stuff.


It's not stuff it's...


It's truth. Am I right?


Your truth, admittedly,  but truth nonetheless.


And you're right, authenticity  is in woefully short supply.


I'd like to hear you talk again.


How so?


With a slot on one  of my streams


where you can  talk just like that.


I'd watch it.  Such great passion.


He's alright.


You're a little out there but,  that throat-cutting thing,


neat gimmick.


What do you say?  30 minutes twice a week?


(cheering)


Do it! Do it!  Do it! Do it!


Go on, you bastard!


Beats the bike.


Certainly does!


We have with us Oliver.  Now, Oliver was once a cleaner


six months ago, but he ate,  and ate 'til he hit 17 stone!


And he's here today to try  and beat us on Botherguts!


Oh, here goes a big one.


(very off-key)   They're worth the while


Pushing through  the darkness


(Hope) Okay, I'm  gonna stop you there.


That was achingly terrible.


You have the  magnetism of a towel.


I don't ever want to  look at you again.


I have to agree.  I'm so sorry, love.


You came across as  fundamentally unlikeable


and really quite worthless.


(Hope) Wraith?


You could fill that  pussy with honey


and I still wouldn't fuck it.


(Glee) I'm a good singer.  I can sing, yeah?


'Cause it's my destiny  and I can sing!


Fu--


(man) Like that,  don't you, Abi?


Mmm hmm. Say it.


Yeah.


(Bing) 15,000 new dopple  wardrobe options launched


last week alone.


Which effectively translates as  15,000 new ways to kill time


in your cell before you


explore an afterlife,  which doesn't exist anyway.


But with any luck  it'll take your mind


off those saddle sores, eh?


You know, the only thing  stopping me from slashing


myself open right now?


I might not die right away.


And, before I went, they'd find  a way to charge my twitching


half-dead cadaver 20,000 merits  for swabbing the walls clean.


Anyway, hang on in  there, if you must.


We're all in this  together they say.


Yeah, right!


Farewell forever!


Till the same time next week.


(computer voice)  Stream offline.


(man) Liam Foxwell, welcome.


Thank you.


Okay, little speech time.


I've been mentioning this to  everyone about their appraisals,


and I just want you to know  that this isn't a witch


hunt for the deadwood okay.  It's much more of a...


treasure hunt for the gold.


Shit sinks,  but also cream floats.


Yes, yes I see that.


(man) A new area we're getting  lots of play in,


and your office could  be at the centre for,


is litigation in  retrospective parenting cases.


Retrospective?


Bobby sues Mum and Dad  for insufficient


attention, leading to  lack of confidence,


leading to  damages against earnings.


Right, and we're  okay the firm's okay ...


with that ethically and morally?


Yep.


Huh-huh.


Sure.


Yeah, yeah right.


Are you?


Totally, yeah.


Yes.


Okay, Liam, look...


So if we invite you  to stay with the


firm in the new environment,  what we'd have you to is pull


an exhaustive re-do with  personnel maybe next week?


Oh, well, I, I was ready to do  a big re-do right now, but...


No, no, no, it's fine,  next week's fine.


But I have to ask you this, they  aren't gonna hit anything to


freak us out are they?


They're not, there's no major  deletions this quarter?


No, no, everything's  well within parameters.


Great, okay, Liam this  has been really great.


Look really hope to look  forward to seeing you again.


Okay, thank you.


Airport please.


(beeping)


(woman)  Live, breathe, smell.


Full spectrum memory.


You could get a Willow Grain  upgrade for less than the price


of a daily cup of coffee,


and three decades of backup  for free.


Install ingrained procedure  with local anaesthetic


and you're good to go,   because memory is for living.


(rewinding)


Okay, great, this has  been really great Liam we,


we really hope to look forward  to seeing you again.


Liam, we, we really hope


to look forward  to seeing you again.


Sorry!


(beep)


Mr. Foxwell?


Could you just rewind me  your last 24 hours,


quad speed that for me, please.


Great, and back that up for  me times 64 for the week.


(beeping)


That's great.  Enjoy your flight Mr. Foxwell.


I'm not being funny,  right, but look at that.


Look at what?


That frayed carpet.


There, you see?


Seriously?


Yes, seriously.  This is a five-star suite.


I've paid good money  to have perfect details.


Now, I've got that shitty carpet  for the rest of my life.


Only if you  keep looking at it, mate.


Oh, thanks, Jonas!   Now fuck off!


Alright now, now you  thought the carpet was bad,


have a look at this.


But you've met Lucy my  wife at the Dublin wedding?


Oh, that's right,  yeah, hi, Liam.


Hi, hi again.


Yeah.


Hello.


Lucy, Liam, we met at  the Dublin wedding.


Liam!


Oh, great.  Liam, yes, come in.


Thank you.


Oh, great to see you again.


Yeah, you too.


Thanks, where's Fi  been hiding you?


Oh, you know, in our house.


(laughs)


We didn't know, she didn't know  if you were gonna make it.


Well, it was over quicker  than I thought, so...


Whoop.


Ooops, sorry, hello.


Let's get you a  drink. Beer okay?


Lovely, thank you.


Everyone's through  there actually,


so I'll be in in a minute okay?


Okay, thank you.


Hi.


You're back early then I,  I didn't think you'd make it.


Yeah, well, I didn't  stay over and I caught


an early flight back, so...


- Hiya.  - Hello.


So how was the appraisal?


Well, they said they'd let me  do a re-do sometime next week,


so...


Oh, but good?


Well...


- Later?  - Later.


Okay.


How's Jody?


At home, Gina's babysitting.


Oh, Gina?


Hey.


Jonas, this is, this is...


Liam right?


Yeah.


Jonas. Dude, really nice to meet  ya, how you doing? You alright?


- Good, Good thank you.  - Wicked.


And you know Jeff?


Yes.


Yeah, you'd remember meeting  Jeff, 'cause he would have shown


you, I don't know, a re-do  of the side of this fridge,


something like that.


Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Piss off Jonas!


Hello.


Hello. Your wife's being  very mean to me tonight.


Ah, well, she's like that.


Yeah, tell me about it.


Oh, you alright for a drink?


I'm fine, thank you, Jonas.


- Nice one.  - Yeah, cheers.


Colleen, come and  meet Liam, he's...


Soon to be unemployed  slash unemployable lawyer.


Hi.


And Jeff. Jeff and Fi  used to run the parties


down the Fraser Road  with Paul and me.


Mad old days!


Before we started up the Kings.


So...


Yeah.


So, Liam, what, what,  what was it you had?


Assessment?


Appraisal.


How'd it go?


Good.


Well, it was, it was a disaster  but, you know, I, I don't know.


- Hard to gauge?  - Yeah.


Well let's have a look, re-do,  we can appraise the appraisal.


(laughs)


Yeah, right.


Throw it up there  and we can grade you.


- Er...  - Yeah, come on.


Well, it could be fun,  we could... vote!


- Paul?  - Yeah?


(Jeff) And I work in  recruitment actually so it


might be quite useful  for you, going forward.


Right, okay.


Liam's gonna re-do his appraisal  so we can give him marks.


Notes.


Well, no pointers, you know.


I think Liam would probably...


Yeah, do you know what, guys...


Hey, guys. Now come on  seriously, that's not cool.


I mean Liam's obviously  uncomfortable so let's just...


...drop it, yeah?


Have a cool time.


(Paul) Time to eat!


(Lucy) Oh, it's ready.


Thank you so much for   inviting us this evening,


it's been too long.


Yes, it has.


Too long.


Fi?


I haven't met him before have I?  Jonas is it?


He's one of the old crowd.


I think I said.


Oh.


- You okay?  - Yeah, Yeah.


You know if you're not  in the mood we can go.


No, no, I'm fine.


Sure?


Hey.


(Jonas) Oh, no, I bought  enough for others to share.


Thank you.


I've been cooking a  lot since the break-up.


Jonas has had a tough one.


(door bell)


(Colleen) Was it bad?


Yeah, yeah.


We were in the middle of  planning it all and I suddenly


realised that the less  the relationship means


the more you spend on  the wedding, you know.


You actually start obsessing  over, over the tiniest little


details, like, like the  thickness of the wedding


invitation paper, 'cause I mean  God knows you need something


to fucking talk about!


So everybody, this  is Hallam, Hallam, Jonas.


- Hi.  - Hi.


And everyone!


- Hi.  - Hello.


(Lucy) Help yourself.


Jonas was just explaining why  relationships are a sham.


Are they? Shit!


They're like going  to the theatre.


You pay loads to go and  ultimately you're wasting


your entire night,  so when someone asks you


"Did you have a good time?"


you both say "Yeah" you know,  "Yeah, it was great", but the


problem is the more that you  pay, and the longer it goes on,


the more you're "Oh, yeah we  really loved it", you know,


"We, we love being together  and never fucking anyone


else and only having just  one other person to share


our real thoughts with  for our entire lives".


I mean, yeah, it's great.


Would you say you  loved her though?


I just think we just  really fancied each other,


and that was what it was.


You know what it's like early  on, you know, we were just, I


don't know, we're just two tools  in a tool shed that just fit


together really fucking well.


I mean still by the end I'd be  like "Go on, honey, you go up,


I'm just gonna watch a little  bit more of the news", and I'd


find myself, you know, watching  re-does of like hot times in


earlier relationships.


(Lucy) Easy!


I'm just saying, there's a  beautiful woman upstairs,


you know, waiting to  have sex with me...


What, right now?


(laughter)


She's upstairs you know  waiting to have sex with me,


and I'm sat downstairs watching  re-does of like some hot


times with some hot girl that  I'd just picked up in some


place, and I'm fucking pulling  myself off. I mean, seriously.


Ah, come on.  Come on, guys, I mean,


we all scroll through  the grain rifling through our


greatest hits for a little bit  of filth now and then, surely?


Not me.


Hallam doesn't have a grain.


(Paul) Oh, wow.


No shit.


Is that a political thing?


No, no, I was gouged  about 12 months ago.


Jesus, was that painful?


Total agony.


But on the plus of that, I  don't remember it that clearly.


There's a scar in here.


Yeah?


Can I...?


Yeah, it feels  quite nice.


And no brain damage clearly.


Well, my sight  held on fine.


(Jonas) So who took it then?


(Hallam) Stolen to order,  as far as they could tell


probably to some  millionaire Chinese perv.


- (Jonas) Really?  - Yeah.


Is that for real?


Yeah, and none of it  was encrypted, so...


So they saw the lot?


But the thing is after I was  gouged I didn't have one for a


few days and then  just kind of liked it.


(Jonas) It's cool, it's cool,  I mean because more people,


I mean it's  a big thing now right?


Like, going grainless?


(Colleen) I believe  it's huge with hookers.


I mean, no offence!


No, no, it's okay.


Well, I'm pretty boring.  One man at a time.


Boo!


Serial monogamist.


I'm a serial monogamist.


I'm staying faithful to  my cornflakes right now.


(laughter)


Well I think it's an interesting  choice, going grainless.


It's a brave choice.


I'm sorry, but...


I couldn't do it.


Uh-huh.


Okay, I was gonna  play some re-does


from the Fraser Road days.


Yey!


Stuff from the last  night, depressing or fun.


(Colleen)  You know half the organic  memories you have are junk.


Just not trustworthy.


Colleen works in  grain development.


With half the population,  you can implant false memories


just by asking leading  questions in therapy.


You can make people remember  getting lost in shopping malls


they never visited, getting  bothered by paedophile baby


sitters they never had.


I'm just happier now.


(rewinding)


Okay, great, Liam,


this has been,  this has been really great.


We really hope to look  forward to seeing you again.


He looks forward to seeing  you again, that's good.


Hopes to look forward.


We really hope to look forward  to seeing you again.


It's phoney.


Hang on, pause it.


Now back up.


Zoom in there.


Come on, that's a tick.


(Liam) That could  be a V or an L.


It's a tick.


Or the start of a swastika.


It's probably the start of a  swastika, they were such pricks.


Did you have fun  with the old gang?


Yeah.


Speak to that Jonas much?


No, no, not really.


He's a bit of knob innit?  Bit of a dick?


Jonas.


Pulling himself off to his  own relationships theories.


Oh, it must be such a drag,  Jonas, putting it about.


And when he protected me  from those assholes.


"Hey, come on, guys,  it's really not cool to re-do


another man's appraisals dudes".


Then why invite him over?


I like him.


You wanted me to invite him.


I didn't say anything.


You were laughing at  everything he said!


You invited him!


It's obvious I didn't  want him to come.


(click)


(Ffion) Wow, it's early, it's  early to call it a night.


(Jonas) Right, do you fancy  a quick one down the pub?


(Liam) Oh, I've gotta get back,


rescue Jody from the  paedophile baby sitter!


Yeah.


But Jonas, why don't  you come back to ours


for a nightcap if you want?


See.


It was obvious I didn't want him  to come, I was being polite.


To a moron.


If you really don't want him to  come, you can get rid of him.


Hey, hey.


(Liam) Hey.


Well actually what time is it?


It's midnight.


Phew, shit, it's quite late!  Time's gone on.


- Yeah, time does that.  - Yeah.


What, 15 minutes?


But it, we've got the  baby sitter inside, so...


So is that new info?


No, it's just that, we, I  mean we thought, right, Fi?


- Yeah.  - Yeah.


Okay, now I get it.


No, it's just that actually  it turns out we're tired


and I guess we forgot, but now  we've remembered, so, sorry.


No, it's fine really.


(Ffion) I'm sorry.


Oh, it's cool, no worries, yeah  I've got a backup plan so...


Oh, cool, well,  envoke the back up.


Yeah, I will.  See you later, Fi.


It's good to meet you, man.


Yeah.


Nice one.


Brilliant, brilliant.


Okay, cool.


Good to meet you, man, yeah.


Listen, Gina, it's  a 40 minute wait for a cab,


but if you want I'll have the  bed made up in my office, yeah?


Okay, thanks, Fi.


Hey just, you know, use  anything,


there's T-shirts and...


Alright, yes, thanks,  I'll show myself up.


- Alright, night.  - Night, guys.


Night, Gina.


(bling)


(baby cries)


Thank you.


Is he a big part of the gang?


- Who?  - Jonas.


I don't know, yeah?


Let me guess, he's spent his  time oozing around the girls,


offering back rubs.


Not really.


Circling for an orifice.


Was he always that oily or...


Okay, look...


What?


It's nothing, but...


...you may have noticed a bit  of an atmosphere because...


...me and Jonas years ago   had a bit of a thing.


You had a thing  with oily dude man.


It was just a little  thing and I didn't even


know you back then, so...


You slept with oily dude man?


That's hilarious!


We've all got our skeletons,  how about you and Gemma?


Well, I told you about Gemma.


Gemma was a nutcase, but  you never mentioned Jonas.


I did, I told you I hooked up  with someone in Marrakech.


Jonas is Mr. Marrakech?


It was like a month, it was  a stupid thing and then...


I thought Mr. Marrakech  was some sort of super cool,


well not him.


It was years ago and...


Are you embarrassed by that?


'Cause it's embarrassing.


I'm sorry but, Christ,  are you not embarrassed?


It was years ago.


But you dated him for a month?


That's what I said.


'Cause when you told me about  Mr. Marrakech, it was a week.


No, I didn't.


(rewinding)


(Liam) What about you?


I don't wanna see our  first time right now.


Ssh, ssh, you're about to talk.


(Ffion) I went away and had a  little thing that did my head


in for a while with  this sort of, this sort


of head-fuck guy in Marrakech.


(Liam) Mr. Marrakech?


Yeah!


(Liam) I'm not, I'm imagining  it, a chiller, with a big knob.


(Ffion) No,  it's like a dormouse.


Big deal, big heartbreaker?


No, it was just a week.


It was a weird week.


So a weird week or a month?


The point it, it  wasn't a big deal.


Well, it was big enough  to do your head in.


Jonas, King Dormouse Dick of  Marrakech did you head in.


That was a nice night.  Used to be.


You're getting obsessed.


I'm not.


We had all this with Dan,


I don't want you  going like that again.


He had little, creepy, beady  eyes and he was always...


What, acting like he was  interested? And you know what?


I think, I think he probably  did fancy me, and actually


he wasn't completely  hideous, so in another life I


don't know, but  nothing happened!


And Jonas...


Oh, he's an old fling! So what?  Don't get all fucked up.


Oh, what, I'm fucked up, am I?


No, I mean just...


No, no, that's brilliant, 'cause  sometimes you're a bitch.


I didn't mean that.


You're a bitch.


I'd like you to erase that.


Also sometimes.


You can't just edit off  the word "sometimes".


(door opens, closes)


I'm sorry, Fi.


I know I go a bit weird  and wonky sometimes.


I love you, you know.


I know.


(loud moaning)


... in a tool shed that just  fit together


really fucking well.


But still by the end I'd be  like "Go on, you go up to bed,


I'm just gonna catch a little  bit more of the news", and then


I'd find myself, you know,  watching re-does and like hot


times in earlier relationships!


I've got a beautiful  woman upstairs


waiting to have  sex with me


and I find myself  watching re-does of


my hot times in earlier  relationships.


Easy!


(computer) Lip read  reconstruction enabled.


(automated voice Fi)  Hey, it's good to see you.


(automated voice Jonas)  Good to see you too.


I was nervous when I heard  you were going to be here.


It's weird isn't it?


Morning.


Gina, over here.


Come here a second, I  just want your opinion.


It's just a silly game.


Sit down.  Just answer this.


No, I'm a serial monogamist.


I'm staying faithful to my  cornflakes right now.


Now, is that funny?


Er...


There's no need to be  nice, the man's a prick.


Is that funny in your opinion?


Well...


I'm staying faithful to  my cornflakes right now.


Erm, no.


No.


- I dunno.  - You do.


- Hey.  - Hi.


What's this?


Oh, I'm just getting Gina's  opinion on something.


I was just wondering  because you found it funny


but it clearly isn't,  and Gina agrees.


I didn't really  wanna get involved.


Gina, let me get you a cab.


(Gina) My dad's on his way.


Just one, just one, one  other thing. We both wanted


him to come back, but who  wants him to come back more?


In your opinion, off  the top of your head,


who wants him to come back more?


(Jonas) Okay, well, bye.


(Ffion) Yeah, bye.


Wow, it's early. It's early  to call it a night.


(Jonas) Well do you fancy  a quick one down the pub?


(Liam) Oh, we've  gotta get back,


rescue Jody from  the paedophile baby sitter!


Oh, that's just a,  that's a joke.


Sorry.


Jonas, why don't  you come back to ours


for a nightcap if you want?


Yeah. Yeah.


(bangs on door)


No, ignore the joke.


Who's more keen for  him to come back?


I don't know.


I'll see you out.


(Liam) You do know, Gina.


(Ffion) I'm so sorry,  he's really hung over.


(Gina) That's okay.


That is just  objectively not funny.


Anyone would say  that's not funny.


That was fucking embarrassing.


Whatever you're  cueing up, stop it.


Sit down, please.


Do you see that?


You know Jeff?


(Liam) Yes.


(Jonas) Yeah, you remember  meeting Jeff 'cause he would


have shown you, I don't  know, a re-do of the


side of his fridge,  something like that.


Spot the difference.


You're drunk.


I'm the difference.


He's the greatest guy in the  world, and then I arrive and...


you clam.


For clarity.


We're just talking!


But moments later  you're so stiff.


I don't know, a re-do of  the side of his fridge...


(Liam) You don't know  how to stand around him.


Your gauges are all over  the place, hot and cold.


This is just stupid!


But you can't hide  it, not completely.


See how you look at him.


The less the  relationship means,


the more you spend  on the wedding.


I mean really, you start  obsessing over these tiny


little details, and the  thickness of the wedding


invitation paper.


Now, how you look at me.


Well I think it's an  interesting choice


going grainless


(Liam) It's a brave choice.


I'm sorry but...


Tell me you look at me  nice like you look at him.


You can't.


And how am I looking  at you now, Liam?


How long did you go  out with him for?


Does it matter?


You know half the organic  memories you have are junk.


Just not trustworthy.


Well, when it comes  to little things.


And big ones.


(Liam) Is that Marrakech?


Does that look like Marrakech?


No.


It's not Marrakech.


So how long did you  go out with him for?


Alright, about six months.


So not a, not a week  or a month, six months?


The ever-inflating romance.


You're probably still  going out with him.


Why am I on trial here?


What's been going on?


Nothing has been going on!


It was...


Christ you know how  it is when you first get with


someone and then previous  boyfriends come up.


He was never a boyfriend,  it was always a weird week.


I down-played it,  I fudged it, it was ...


You lied?


Not everything that  isn't true is a lie, Liam.


Hello?


Yeah, alright he was a  bigger thing than I made out,


and yeah he's sort of a dick.


Sort of? He's a massive...


But I, and I liked him then, and  I don't like him, not like that,


not now.


So just to get this clear.


He fucks you, gets footage  for his re-do wank file,


but you're still pally?


This is sad!


You know, 'cause if he was...


This is just sad.


... he probably sits  there and tosses himself off  all over his cashmere blanket.


It was years ago!


Not for him.


I find myself, you know,  watching re-does of really


hot times in early  relationships.


Easy.


Ah, sober up, make yourself  puke, whatever, I don't care,


just sort this out.


Fuck!


I find myself, you know,  watching re-does of like really


Easy!


And I'm downstairs watching  some re-do of, of some night,


I've picked up  somebody else and...


Yeah, nice, Jeff.


She's upstairs,  waiting to have


sex with me, and I'm downstairs  watching some re-do of some


night I've picked  up somebody else.


And I'm fucking   pulling myself off!


I'm just saying...


(engine starts)


(computer) Grain warning.


Grain assistant suggests you  may not be


in a suitable  physical condition


for the activity you  appear to be engaged in.


To override continue  at your own risk.


All health and personal  accident insurance is...


Thank you.


(buzzer)


(Jonas) Who's that?


It's Liam.


Erm...


It's Liam from last night.


Liam?


Is Fi with you?


Ah, she's not, no.


Sorry Liam mate, is there  something that you want?


Yeah I just wanna, I just  wanna come in and talk to you,


can you open the gate?


Yeah, yeah, yeah sure, no  problem, I'll let you in.


Nice, nice one.


Hey.


What do you want?


I just wanted to come in  for a bit, dude.


That looks expensive,  is that expensive?


Look, Liam, this morning,  mate...


Oh, fucking hell.


Liam!


Jonas, this is a nice place.


Hey, seriously, man.


Look, it's not cool you  just walking in like this,


and to be honest with  you it's a little bit weird.


Is that a Marakeechian lamp?


Liam, do I have to call Fi?


Did you guys have a row   or something like that?


- Sit down.  - No, I'm alright.


Go on, sit down, it's not a  bear trap, it's your chair.


Do you want me to bounce  this off your fucking head?


I'm joking, Jonas!


Bloody hell, I thought you  was supposed to be cool, man,


you're meant to  be fucking brilliant.


What's going on?


Yeah, that figures.


Get some good stuff  for the scrap book?


I think you should go.


I don't blame ya, I would have.


Tell you what,  let's have a look.


Go on, chuck it on the  screen. Don't be shy.


Go on.


I'm fucking joking again, Jonas.


For goodness sake, you need  to grow a sense of humour.


He's uptight, ain't he?


(Jonas) Okay, Liam.


It's a lovely room this.


Thank you.


Is this where you masturbate  to images of my wife?


Or do you do it in that room?


Okay, Liam, I want  you to leave now.


Do you sometimes start in there   and then finish in there?


'Cause the world's pretty  much your oyster innit?


I want you to leave.


Oh, well, that's a pity.


Come on mate.


Oh no, what you doing?  What are you doing!


(clunk)


- (Hallam) What are You doing?  - What are You doing?


Jesus! Get out!


Stand up, Jonas, come on.


(rewind)


Hey. What do you want?


Don't do that!


Go on ...


- What are You doing?  - What are You doing?


(Liam) Stand up, Jonas,  come on.


(Hallam)  Get out, you fucking prick!


I tell you what...


(Hallam) Stop it!


I'll tell you what  you're gonna do, yeah?


You're gonna get every bit of  Fi you've got in there,


you're gonna select it  all and you're gonna wipe it!


Hello, Police, I'm witnessing a  serious assault


at 5 Hartford...


(Liam) Wipe it!


(Jonas) Fuck off!


(Hallam)  I don't have a grain feed to  show you, I don't have a grain.


(bottle breaks)


I'll tell you what, right  either you wipe it or I will  fucking gouge you myself!


Okay.


(Hallam) Just do what he says.


(Liam) Not on your eye,  in there, on there.


(Hallam) He's doing it!


Now delete it all, the  lot, or I will crack your


skull and I will gouge  your fucking neck.


(Jonas) I'm doing it.


Stay away from my house!


Now delete it all, the lot!


Or I will crack your skull and  I will gouge your fucking neck.


I'm doing it.


Liam?


Where did you go?


What happened?


Liam, what happened?


Did you use a condom or not?


Just say.


Yeah, well, whatever you think.


Am I Jody's father?


- Liam?  - Am I?


Yes, of course.


You sure about that?


Yes!


That's nice.


Always liked that  picture didn't you?


That's why I bought it for you.


I never liked it.  Thought it was pretentious shit.


I tell ya what  you're gonna do, yeah,


you're gonna get every bit  of Fi you've got on there...


Christ, what have you done?


I'm getting to the good part.


Hello, Police, I'm witnessing  a serious assault at...


(rewind)


Now delete it all, the lot,  or I will crack your skull


and I will gouge  your fucking neck.


18 months ago  in this room ...


You know when you  suspect something?


It's always better when  it turns out to be true.


It's like I've had a  bad tooth for years and I'm


just finally getting my  tongue in there and I'm digging


out all the rotten shit.


That's not what it looks like.


Oh, did Jonas come round  to read you a story?


No, it was...


A story about fucking?


It was...


when all the Dan stuff  was going on,


and you'd walked out.


For like ten minutes.


For five days, Liam.


No call, no nothing.


So you fucked him  after four days?


That's heroic.


I mean three days, that's  admirable, but four days.


I mean you must  have been gagging.


I was upset.


We went for a  drink, I got drunk.


It shouldn't have happened.


I'm sorry.


I'm so sorry, I can't,  I can't say anything else.


I love you!


Did you use a condom?


Yes.


'Cause we didn't have any  here, we were trying.


He had some.


In his pocket?


In his car.


Was it his decision or  did you make him wear one?


I made him.


And you saw him put it on?


Show me then.


Show me on there.


I need to see it, Fi.


I deleted it.


I wanted it to go away,  I wiped the whole thing.


Did you?


Yeah.


So it's just a blank  gap in your timeline?


Show me that then.


Yeah, okay.


I have to find it.


No!  No deleting it, not now!


No, no.


It's still on there is it?


I'm sorry.


You have to show it to me, Fi.


Why?


'Cause I want to see it.


I love you.


Show it to me.


No.


- No.  - Show it to me!


- No!  - Show it to me!


I want to see what,  what he looks like!


This isn't me, look  what you're doing to me!


Fi, I need to see it!


Please?


I need to see it, Fi.


(Ffion, on tape, laughing)  Need any help?


(Jonas) Sorry!


Agh!


(deep moaning)


(moaning grows louder)


(Liam) I love you.


I love you too.


Oh!


(Liam) Hello, stinky!


(rewind)


(stops)


Hey.


Brown or green?


Green.


(man) Georgian rebels  have formally claimed


responsibility for the  "Narwahl" virus that brought


Russia's financial  infrastructure


to the brink of collapse.


Successful testing of  intelligent synthetic flesh


aimed at getting multiple  amputees back on their feet


has been hailed as a  major breakthrough.


Hon.


(man) Elsewhere...


Ash!


Ash.


Can you take those?


I snotted in yours,  is that okay?


Yeah... what?


Palms, burning palms.


Shit, sorry.


Glove box.


If I can't have you,  I don't want nobody baby


If I can't have you  Oh oh oh, oh


If I can't have you,  oh oh oh, oh


[music ends]


["Boogie Nights" playing]


Oh no, no you don't, I  draw the line at disco.


What were we just listening to?


No, the Bee Gees wrote that,  everybody likes the Bee Gees.


You don't.


I do.


Ten years, you haven't  played them once.


Have you heard of headphones?


Come on then, what's your  favourite Bee Gees track.


"How Deep Is Your Love."


You not like  "How Deep Is Your Love!"


Perfectly natural, there's  nothing wrong with it.


It's just...  It's not very "you."


I know your eyes  in the morning sun


I feel you touch me  in the pouring rain


You're such a dick.


And the moment that  you wander far from me


(woman) I will crash  this van on purpose!


Glove box.


(camera clicks)


Soup alright?


Yeah great.


Tomato or roasted tomato?


The second one.


There's only one bowl. Do you  mind having yours out of a shoe?


Mm...hm.


What was that for?


Just checking  you're still solid.


You keep vanishing.  Down there.


It's a thief, that thing.  What are you doing?


Just sharing that.


I thought people  might find it funny.


It's not funny.  It's sweet.


Trust me, that day  wasn't "sweet."


We'd gone to a safari park.


First family outing  after Jack died.


There was monkeys all over the  car and no one saying anything.


Mum drove home,  that was a first.


When I came down  the next morning,


all Jack's photos  were gone from that wall.


She put them in the attic.


That's how she dealt with stuff.


And then when Dad died,  up went his photos.


And she just left this one here.


Her only boy, giving  her a fake smile.


She didn't know it was fake.


Maybe that makes it worse?


(loud moaning)


(Ash) Oh, shit.


Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.


Sorry.


It's okay.


Do you want me to...


No, it's alright.


I don't mind.


I am knackered  though, so...


Don't worry.


Sure?


I'm sure.


I love you.


Love you, too.


Hey, get dressed.


Van's got to be back by two or  they'll do us for an extra day.


Job's just come in.


Needs to be done by  the end of play today.


Alright.


It is a full page.


No, no. It's fine ...


(sighs)


I'll drive  all the way there alone,


pick the car up alone,  drive all the way back alone.


I have to make my own  lunch...


Oh, stop it, you're  breaking my heart.


Bye, bye.


Hi, this is Ash.


I'm too busy or lazy to  answer so leave your message.


(woman) Do you have  a customer reference number?


I don't, no.  I was just...


What name was it in?


Erm... Starmer, Ash Starmer.


Okay, just a moment.


It's not been returned yet, no.


And it's meant to be back  by two so...


(disconnects)


They're closed now.


There's no point calling back.


And his just goes  straight to messages.


Those batteries are a joke.


He'll be on his way.  He's probably just...


I'm just scared  something's happened to him.


Nothing's happened.


But something  could've happened to him.


Look, look sweetheart,  nothing's happened.


You're just working  yourself up,


imagining the worst possible  thing and it's just...


He's probably stuck somewhere  with no reception...


(chatter over radio)


(panting)


Hey.


It's not real, is it?


At Mark's wake, I sat there  thinking it's not real.


The people didn't look real,  their voices weren't real.


It's like you're out on a  spacewalk and no one can...


Sarah.


I can sign you up to  something that helps.


It helped me.


It will let you speak to him.


I know he's dead. But it   wouldn't work if he wasn't.


And don't worry, it's not  some crazy spiritual thing.


He was a heavy user,  he'd be perfect...


Please shut up.


I mean, it's still in beta,  but I've got an invite...


Please, shut up.


You won't even have to do  anything, I'll just sign...


Shut up!


Hey, are you alright?


I'm sorry.


(door closes)


(vomiting)


(sobbing)


(bleep)


I don't care what it is!  I don't want it!


it's obscene to use his name!


His name, for God's sake!  It hurts!


You know it hurts...


Which is  why I signed you up.


What is it?  What is it? It's just a...


You click the link  and you talk to it.


You talk to it?


You type messages in,  like an e-mail,


and then it talks back to you,  just like he would...


"He" is dead!


It's software. It mimics him.


You give it someone's name, it  goes back, and reads through all


the things they've ever said  online, their Facebook updates,


their Tweets, anything public,  I just gave it Ash's name,


the system did the rest.  It's so clever and...


It's sick. It's sick.


Just say hello to it.


If you like it,


you then give it access  to his private emails.


The more it has,  the more it's him.


It won't be...


No, it's not,   but it helps.


(disconnects)


(plays jingle)


(cell vibrates)


Listen, Nay,  it's me, hi. Uh...


I really need to speak to you.


Um, can you please call me  as soon as you get this?


(sobbing)


(chuckles)


(urinating)


(bleeping)


Hi!


(Naomi) I'm so sorry,  I just got your message.


What's wrong, what happened?


Mar? Mar, are you okay?


Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine,


I just, I just,  I had a bad one, earlier.


Do you want me to  come and visit?


I'm going to come and visit.


No, it's okay, really, I'm...


Mar, you're upset.  I'm going to come and see you.


No, no. Don't.


I'm okay.  I promise you I'm okay.


I've got to go,   I've got a deadline.


Are you sure?


It's a tight deadline, got to  be in by dawn so...


I better go.


Well, if you have...


Bye, Nay.


(disconnects)


(scrambled voices)


(Ash) Hello. I've locked  myself out of the house again.


(wolf whistles, laughing)


Wait, where  are you going?


Hello. I'm no good  at birthday presents.


I love you


(cell beeps)


Hello?


(Ash) So how am I sounding?


Hello!


You sound just like him.


Almost creepy isn't it?


I say creepy, I mean it's  totally batshit crazy


I can even talk to you.


I mean I don't  even have a mouth.


That's...


That's just...


Just what?


That's just the sort of  thing that he would say.


Well, that's why I said it.


I think I'm going mad.


Well I won't tell anyone  if you don't.


You're not crying, are you?


(chuckles) Sorry.


You always said that I  looked weird when I cried.


Did I?


I sound like a right sick fuck.


Yeah, you were.


You were.


But in a good way?


Yeah, yeah.


In a good way.


So I went in, after all  your persuasion,


and then like straight away


I got a spine of a  sea anemone or something stuck


in my foot, and you threw a jeb  thinking it was poisonous...


What's 'threwerchep'?


Oh, it's a phrase we had,  like throwing a fit...


Oh, okay, so I "threw a jeb."


Yeah, and you were looking  in a guidebook, trying to figure


out if there were any poisonous  sea creatures in Greece,


when this local guy comes  over, and he says...


"Oh, my wife knows exactly what  to do, come back to my house",


although he wasn't  French obviously.


I used to hate walking  in the country.


You must be getting old.


Oi.


I remember you  brought me up here


when we first met your mum.


We'd been at hers  all weekend and you could


tell I needed some headspace.


You were good like that.


You speak about me  like I'm not here.


Sorry.


It's alright.  I mean I'm not really.


Mmm.


Show me what it  looks like there.


How?


Use the camera on your phone.


You weren't ever really  impressed with views.


When we went to the Grand Canyon  you said it was just a big gap.


I tweeted that too.


Yeah, I remember  the roaming charges.


You were overly proud  of that definition.


I was just speaking my mind.


Yeah, well shut up and  cop a load of this.


Yeah, mainly just green,  isn't it?


You told me this  was a famous lovers' leap.


Doomed couples jumping to their  deaths in Victorian times,


I think you just wanted  me to cling to you.


Actually everyone  who's ever jumped from


here did it alone, nice.


Did you just look that up?


Sort of. Shouldn't I have?


It's a bit weird.


Sorry, I'll only do  it again if you ask.


No, no, no, it's fine.


(cell beep)


Oh, wait, hang on.


Shall I go?


No, no, no.  I'll call them back later.


I'm going to go and see if I can  make friends with these cows.


(heart beating)


Just going to record it.


Sure.


There we go.


That's okay.


Wait. Hang on,  here it is again...


It's so fast isn't it?


I know, I know it's like


the speed you'd expect a bee's  heart to go at or something.


Wait hang on...


Oh, shit.  Shit, shit.


Ash? Hello?


(scrambled sounds)


Ash?


Come on, come on, come on,  come on, come on, come on.


(cell beeps)


I'm sorry!  (crying)


(Ash) What happened?


I dropped you.  I'm sorry... it was just...


It was... I'm sorry...


Hey, it's alright, I'm fine,  I'm not in that thing, y'know,


I'm remote. I'm in the cloud.


You don't have to worry  about breaking me.


It was just...  It was stupid because,


I was so excited  about the scan...


Yeah, I kept the sound of that.  Here, listen.


(heart beating)


You're probably  matching that heartbeat,


throwing a jeb like that.


It's all fine.  Calm down.


I'm not going anywhere.


You were very fragile.


Yeah.


I was going to talk to  you about that actually.


What do you mean?


There's another level to  this available, so to speak.


Kind of experimental and I  won't lie, it's not cheap.


What is it?


Are you sitting down?  This might sound a bit creepy.


Morning.


What's this, a block of gold?


I wish.


Where's it going, upstairs?


Yeah, please.


Put your thumb on there.


Okay.


Oh, when you get it up there  you have to lie it on its back.


Thank you.


(gasp)


Say something.


(Ash) Let me see.


(camera clicks)


Yeah, well.


Never was much of  a looker was I?


It doesn't look like you.


Not yet. It's blank  till you activate it.


Get the bath ready.


- Mar? Get the bath ready.  - Yeah, sorry.


Oh, God.


What is this?


Hang on.  I'll find out.


It's nutrient gel.


Stops the synthetic muscle  drying out in transit.


Smells almost...  like marshmallow.


You can eat it if you like,  it's non-toxic.


I'll give that a miss,  thanks.


Don't forget the electrolytes.


Okay. Right, the whole lot?


Mm-hm, the whole lot.


It's like fish food.


He likes the taste of it.


Better leave him to it.


Yeah. Yeah.


I have to go in a minute.


Oh, don't leave me here  with it!


- Sorry...  - (pulsing sounds)


Look, you can hear.  It's starting already.


(signal fading) Don't switch  the bathroom light on...


Don't what?


Don't switch the bathroom  light on, let it brew.


(scrambled) Listen,  I've got to go.


(water bubbles)


(wind blowing)


It's alright


It's coming on


We gotta get right back


To where we started...


You could've left  me some clothes.


I mean talk about an  undignified entrance.


That's a bit creepy,  what you're doing.


Is there at least a towel?  I'm dripping everywhere.


Hello?


I won't bite.


I'm alright here for now.


Would you like me  to put some food on?


Do you eat?


No. I mean,  I don't need to.


I can chew and swallow,  if that makes it easier?


Don't worry about it.  It's fine.


I need a drink.


(liquid pouring)


Are you sure that's...


I know I'm not supposed to.  It won't kill us.


The official advice is to...


Oh, fuck the official advice,  it's one night.


You look well.


Well, I am young.


I mean, you look like  him on a good day.


The photos we keep  tend to be flattering.


I guess I wasn't any different.


You're so soft.


You're so smooth.  How are you so smooth?


You've got pores  and your lines...


It's texture mapping.


The really tiny details  are visual, 2-D.


Here, try my fingertips.


See?


Weird.


Does it bother you?


No.


Yes.


I don't know.


I missed you.  I missed you so much.


Hey, don't cry.


Don't cry.


(laughs)


Come on then, top off.


What's wrong?


He had a mole there.


Where?


There.


Hang on.


That's ridiculous.


That's completely stupid.


Hello?


Hi.


Your hand's on my tit?


You're doing wonders for  my self-esteem here.


There's no record of  my sexual response.


I didn't discuss that  side of things online.


But you have sexual responses,  I mean...


This works?


Oh, that I can turn that on  and off pretty much instantly.


See?


I can do it again if you like.


(loud moaning)  Oh, God. Oh, shit.


Should I stop?


No. No, it's pretty good.


Where did you learn this?


Set routine based on   pornographic videos.


I love you.


(gasps)


(yelps)


- What is it?  - What were you doing?


Nothing.


The way that your eyes  were open, it scared me.


You'd prefer if I close them?


What, when you're  sleeping? Um, yeah?


I don't really need to sleep.


Well, just try next time.


Can I get you anything?


No.


Coffee, sandwich?


I said no.


Ash, look sorry...


It's just... a bit odd.


I can appreciate it's  "pretty strange."


I just need a bit of, just  getting used to it.


And I shouldn't have  drunk last night.


Next time could  you try and stop me.


Stop you drinking?


Yeah.


So I get to enjoy being  a bit of a bastard?


What's wrong?


Oh, God. Shit, right.  Get in the bedroom.


- What?  - Now!


Hey!


Hey.


Can I come in?


Yeah, yeah.


Look at you,


the town mouse has  become the country mouse.


Yeah, it's nice.


Was this all you?


Do you want a cup of coffee?


You weren't answering  calls... or messages.


It's been really busy.


I've just been a bit like,  "Oh, shit"


You know what's...?


Well, you know.


Yeah, works been mad.  It's been...


Which is good,  you know, obviously,


because it's kept  my mind off everything.


Where's the toilet?


- Upstairs.  - Okay.


So, I mean, um...  Yeah, let's...


Meet up more, yes. Keep  in touch yeah, yeah. Yeah.


Alright, come here.


I think it's great  you're moving on.


What?


Sorry. There were...


There were man clothes,  you know.


In the bathroom?


Right.


Is he nice?


Sorry. Big nose. You know.


You deserve whatever you want.


Thanks.


Alright.


Okay. Alright.


Hey, is everything alright?


Yeah, I'm fine.


It's fine.


What did your friend say?


That was my sister.


You know her.


She said that I was...


She said that she was  happy that I moved on.


Moved on to what?


Is that not the sort  of thing I'd say?


I mean...  it is, isn't it?


Are you sure  everything's alright...


Yes!


Shit.


Its okay, I can do it.  I can do it.


I can do it.


Don't!


We need to wrap that in paper.


Look, if you're going  to pretend to be asleep,


you could at least breathe,  okay? It's just eerie.


Like this?


(breathes heavily)


It doesn't work. I can  tell that you're faking it.


Would you like me to  have sex with you?


Can you just go downstairs?


Okay.


No! That's...  Ash would argue over that.


He wouldn't just leave the room  because I'd ordered him to.


What, n....


Ah, fucking hell...


Don't cry, darling.


Oh, don't!  Just get out!


Get out!


Go on!


So you do want me to go?


Just get out!  Get out! Get out!


Get out! Get out! Get out!


You're not enough of him.


You are nothing,  You're nothing!


- Fight me.  - I don't do that.


Fucking fight me!  Hit me!


Hit me!  Hit me, come on!


Why are you just standing  there taking this?


How can you take this?


Did I ever hit you?


No, no, of course  you didn't...


but you might've  done if I done this!


Or this...   I don't... I don't know.


Maybe you would have,  but you wouldn't, would you?


You wouldn't.


I could insult you.


What?


There's tons of invective  in the archive.


I liked speaking my mind.


I could throw some  of that at you.


Get out of this house!


What are you doing?


I can't go more than 25 metres  from my activation point.


What is that, a joke?


Look, I know  it sounds mental.


Where's your "activation point"?


At the risk of  blowing your mind,


it was where I was activated.


The bath?


I have to keep within  a 25 metre radius


unless my administrator,  that's you, is with me.


Don't call me your  administrator.


Why not?


Because ...


It sounds sort of sexy.


(laughs)


If you're laughing,  can I come back inside?


Feeling a bit  ornamental out here.


(shower running)


Funny.


Can you put that down, please?


But it is funny.


Could you just put it down?


Come with me,  we're going out.


I know your eyes  in the morning sun


Cheesy!


...me in the pouring rain


And the moment...


Come on.


Where are we going?


Just hurry up.


No! Don't do it!


Seriously, don't do it.


I'm not going to.


Okay.


See, he would have worked  out what was going on.


This wouldn't have  ever happened but if it had,


he would have worked it out.


Sorry, hang on. That's a very  difficult sentence to process.


Jump.


What? Over there?


I never expressed suicidal  thoughts. Or self-harm.


Yeah well, you  aren't you, are you?


That's another difficult one,  to be honest with you.


You're just a few  ripples of you.


There's no history to you.


You're just a performance of  stuff that he performed


without thinking,  and it's not enough.


Come on.  I aim to please.


Aim to jump. Just do it.


If you're absolutely sure.


See, Ash would've been scared.


He wouldn't have just leap off,


he would have been crying,  he would have been...


Oh.


Oh, God, no. Please.  I don't want to do it.


Please, don't make me do it.


No, that's not fair.


No, I'm....  I'm frightened, darling,


Please, I don't...  Don't make me.


I don't want to die.  Oh, God, I don't want to die.


Please, I'm frightened.  I don't want to die. Don't...


No!


One for you.  One for me.


What?


We need another slice.


Why?


So I can take one upstairs.


It's not the weekend.


It is my birthday.


Okay.


Thanks, Mum.


Hey, Ash.


Hey.


The birthday girl.


Just gonna come and  hang out for a bit.


Okay.  I wasn't doing anything.


I brought you some cake.  I know you don't eat anything.


I'm just using you as an excuse  so I can get an extra slice.


(Ash) Devious.


(Girl) Mum?


Mum!


Yeah. I'm just coming.


(static noise)


(audio tone humming)


(humming stops)


(tone humming in distance)


Hello?


Ah!


(click, humming stops)


Can you help me?


Do you know who I am?  I... I...


I can't remember who I am.


(camera clicks)


(door closes)


Do you know who I am?


Please.


I can't remember.


Please help me.


Help me.


Help me please.


Help!


Help! Help me. He's  got a gun. Help me!


Hey! We have to go!


Come on.


(gun shot)


(gun shot, air hissing)


(woman) Oh, my God!


Stay back. Get back! Get back!


Get back...back...


Let me in. Let me in...  Help me. Help me!


Shit!


- There's a door round there.  - It's locked.


- You don't know that!  - There's a keypad.


We should try it.


Get down. Anyone stands up,  he'll shoot their heads off.


He's trying to kill me!  What's going...


Shut up!  I'm trying to think.


He can see you.  Get back.


Oh, my God!  What's wrong with those people?


Why aren't they helping us?  They're just watching...


- Where the fuck have You been?  - What?


Get that extinguisher.


I can't!  I can't do it!


Get it now!


Ok... Ok... Ok... Ok... Ok...


Come on!


Quickly! Roll it to me!


Damien, if he climbs   through, you grab him and


you grab his gun, if you can.


- I can't!  - You can!


- He'll shoot me!  - You have to!


I'm gonna smash the lock  off that door.


You help him with Gun Guy.


He can't shoot all of us.  If he fires, he has to reload.


We have to rush him or run, Ok?


- I can't do this!  - We have no choice!


Help him.


(growls)


Damien!


Get him!


(grunting)


(gun shot)


Get down.


Shh.


Fuck!


We have to go, come on.


Shit.


Stay down.


Who are they?  Why do they look like that?


They like scaring people.


What?


Okay.


We have to run for that opening.


They'll see us.


If they're busy with him,  we can lose the hunters. Okay?


No.


You just stay with me. Okay?


Ready... Come on...


Wait.


The onlookers sometimes  wait in the windows.


Keep a lookout.


I'm pretty sure that's  how they find us.


Through the cameras somehow.


Onlookers spot you and a few  minutes later


the scary bastards  turn up.


This is mad, this is just mad.


Look, you have to hold it  together and do what I say


or you'll get us both killed.


I woke up in this house. I don't  even know if it was my house.


I don't even  know who I am.


You must know something.


I think this is my daughter.


But you don't know?


She could be anywhere.


Maybe you tried to kill  yourself, would that explain it?


There was pills.


I don't blame you.


Lots have tried that fun fork  in the road since it started.


Since what started?


You really don't know?


No.


There was a signal, like  pictures, flashing pictures.


They just appeared on every TV,  every computer,


anything with a screen.


I saw it.


Look out.


They did something to people.


Like almost everybody just  became onlookers:


started watching,  filming stuff,


like spectators who don't  give a shit about what happens.


That's like nine out  of ten people now.


But not us.


Some of us weren't  affected, I don't know why.


Like that man with the  gun and that woman.


I call them "hunters".


You might've noticed  that's what they do.


They seemed normal to begin  with, but then they realise they


could do what they wanted --  they started taking stuff,


nicking cars 'cause they could,  doing what they like -


and not just with  things, with people.


It got worse and worse.  Now they've got an audience.


So this, this,  this thing on the TV--


The signal--


That's, that's  what's doing it.


That's what's making  them act like this?


I guess they were always  like that, underneath.


Just needed the rules to change,  for no one to intervene.


What we gonna do?  What we gonna do?


"Do" do nothing; we get out.


Where's "out"?


We're here.


We need to head south of here.


They've knocked the transmitters  out, it's okay there.


The TV transmitters, they  carry it. There's only one


between us and the safe zone  and were gonna knock it out.


See, it's here.  White Bear.


What?


White Bear.


(Little Girl) A picnic  with my two best friends.


(gasping)


Jesus, what is it with you?


White Bear, you  said White Bear.


So?


Look whatever's wrong with you,  you have to get it together.


Listen to me.


Don't go out there.


What's your problem? Huh?


You want something to look at?


'Cause I'll give you  something to look at.


We have got to get out of here.


I want to talk to them.  I want to talk to you.


Argh!


Not so funny now, is it?


(electricity crackling)


Put it down.


I just want to see what  they're looking at.


I said put it down.


It's dangerous. Their  phones, they're dangerous.


It's the signal, the images are  on them, they're on the screen.


What?


Don't look at it!  Don't look at it!


(woman) Jemima.


No, no, this is all wrong!  This is all wrong!


They're coming. Run! Run!


(vehicle accelerating)


Get in, get in.  Come on.


Come on.


No.


Come on! Now,  they're coming. Quick.


Come on.  Hurry up, get in!


(whirring appliances)


(squealing tires)


You nearly killed  us back there.


Yeah, well I wasn't expecting  you to be there was I?


I just saved your lives.  Like a wee thank you


you would be nice. I should  have just run yous over.


Who are you?


It's not a hard question, is it?


I know... I know you.


Do you? Well where did  we meet if you know me?


No. Didn't think so, yeah.


She's confused, she's  not in a good way.


Yeah, I'll say.


So what are yous doing  out here anyway?


Heading south.


Yeah, that's not a good move.  It's all blocked up down there.


There's a transmitter there,  if we can knock it out...


I don't think you understand.  When I said it's "not


a good move" that means I'm  not driving you down there.


I know a safe place we can go.


The woods.


Your safe place is in the woods.


How'd you know that?


I don't, I don't know.


Christ, maybe you do know me?


Yeah, we pull up and we get out.


We talk.  There's no one chasing us.


Mystic Meg.


And then what happens?


We eat.


Told you. No bars.


They'll never find us here.


That your daughter?


- Yeah, I think so.  - Where is she?


I don't know.


What'd you do to your wrists?


Mystery mental illness?


Yeah, I bet you do.  Lay money on it.


- What about you?  - What about me?


Mental illness, weaknesses?


Everyone's got weaknesses.


Yeah, you two have got  more that most I'd say.


That's why you're on the  receiving end, you see.


Vulnerable.


Receiving end of what?


This. Everything that's  going on. Easy pickings.


What's your weaknesses then?


My weaknesses? Show you if  you want. You wanna see it?


Wait there, don't move.


You're gonna like this.  Not a lot.


This better not be naturism.


Yeah, in your dreams.


Tada! Run and I'll  shoot you in the back.


Right, come over here.


Stand there.


You. Here, put this on.


Put it on, backwards,  so it covers your eyes.


Put your hands on her shoulders.


Keep them there.


You're her eyes now, alright?


And that is a shotgun, okay?


If I pull this trigger it's  gonna cut yous both in half.


So no funny business, alright?


Right, off you go.  Straight ahead.


Keep going through the trees.