Come on, pick up the pace.


Got a lovely playground  for you down there.


That's it, through here.


That's it, straight ahead.


Grab her!


Right, now take  her balaclava off.


Get down there.


Oh, fuck.


Come on.


Head towards that ladder.


Right, stop.


Get on your knees both of yous.  Give me that bag.


That fucking bag.


You, get down.


Stop winging.


(sobbing)


Stop fucking crying.  Stop it.


- (cell phone)  - Eurghhhh.


Yeah.


Yeah, I'm down in  that woods spot.


I'll just lash 'em to a tree  or summit like that you know.


Just hurry up,  and get down here.


I want to get started.  it's gonna piss... Fuck!


(gun shot)


Your mate's fucked off.


You're in double trouble  now, missus.


Get up on that log.  Now, move.


Get your hands through there.  Get your hands through there.


Right through.  Push your arms up.


Push them.  Get them up there.


We're gonna put a show on  for these guys today.


(laughs)


Let's see what daddy's  got in the bag, shall we?


Oh, Mama...


Help me! Help me!


Why are you doing this to me?


Whoa ha! Oh yes!


Help me, please!  I'm a human being!


(man) They're not gonna  help you. They're gonna watch.


What I'm going to  do here, darling,


I'm just gonna push this  straight through your--


Help me, please.


(gun cocks)


Thank you... Thank you...


- For What?  - For coming back For me.


I came back for this.


There's more like  him on the way.


Come on.


White Bear's not far from here;   if we step on it we might be


able to shut it down  before they get us.


What happens if we  can't shut it down?


We can.


How? Do we hack  into it, or something?


We don't hack anything.  We burn the control room down.


It's not hard, we just slosh  a load of petrol round it,


strike a light and, fucks  the electrics or something.


Here.


In the bag.


It's the plans for the  transmitter compound.


I've been planning  this, you know.


Jemima?  Lie down for me, darling.


Go on. It's a game.  Yeah, just like what teddy does.


Lie down for me, darling.


(screams)


- Turn around!  - What?


White Bear,  there's something not right


about White Bear.  I remember now.


You "remembered"  the woods too...


Sorry if I don't  trust your hunches.


Okay. Looks clear.


Okay.


He was good for   something after all.


Hurry up, we need to go.


Come on, get out.


Come with me.


A picnic with my  two best friends.


Come on.


This way.


Oh, shit.


They'll be here any minute.  Give me the plan.


The transmitter  tower's over there.


And the cabling runs  underground into that building.


Thought so.


(grunting)


Let's go.


Get back.


Or everything goes up.  I mean it. Stay back.


Stay back.


(saw starts whirring)


Argh!!


Argh!!!


(applause, cheering)


Thank you.


So.


I guess you're wondering  why you're here?


It's time to tell  you who you are.


You've looked better.


(laughter)


Do you recognise him?


Huh...Yes.


Your fianc, Iain Rannoch.


Or should I say was your fianc.


In case you haven't guessed the  pair of you aren't very popular.


But I'll tell you  what you are though.


You're famous.


(man) The trial  of Victoria Skillane finally


concluded today,  the verdict guilty.


Together with her fianc Iain  Rannoch whose death in custody


had delayed the trial Skillane  abducted 6-year-old  Jemima Sykes


just miles from her home,  prompting a nationwide search


amidst emotional pleas  from her parents.


For months the youngster's  disappearance had been a


mystery, the sole clue  being her distinctive  white teddy bear,


discovered in a lay-by two  miles from the family home.


The white bear became an  enduring symbol in the hunt for


Jemima, a hunt that  ended in a local forest.


Jemima's body was found here.


It had been wrapped in a  sleeping bag and burned.


The couple were caught   after harrowing


footage of Jemima's torture  and murder was discovered on


a mobile phone in  Skillane's possession.


Iain Rannoch identified by his  distinctive tattoo, killed the


youngster as Victoria Skillane  held the camera.


Breaking down in  tears, Skillane admitted to  filming Jemima's


final moments, claiming her  fianc had pressured her into


helping him maintaining  she was "under his spell".


The jury was not convinced by  Skillane's story


and neither  was the judge,


who labelled her a uniquely  wicked and poisonous  individual.


"You were an  enthusiastic spectator to


Jemima's suffering. You  actively revelled in her


anguish" he said...adding  her punishment would be


proportionate and considered.  By hanging himself in his


cell, many believe  Iain Rannoch evaded justice.


The public mood is  now focused on ensuring his


accomplice can't do the  same. Patrick Lacey, UKN.


(wailing)


Oh, don't start crying.


Crocodile tears  are making me sick!


(booing)


(audience) Murderer! Murderer!


There were no tears when you  watched him do what he did.


You filmed what he did.


A poor wee girl.


Helpless and terrified,  and you just watched.


How do you like it now?


How do you like it!


(man) Murderer!


(audience)  Murderer! Murderer!


Get her out of here.


Throw her back to  where she came from.


No, don't!  Help me!


(man) Good evening, citizens.


Thank you so much  for coming tonight.


Okay, we are at the  climax of our day.


Take as many photographs as you  want, take as many photographs


as you can, but most importantly  what I need from you is to shout


and scream and let that bitch  know that you are out here.


Let's get this show on the road.


(woman) Murdering bitch.


Murderer.


Evil witch.


(man) Dirty whore.


(woman) Bitch.


Burn the bitch.


Murderer!


Burn in hell!


(splat)


(cameras clicking)


Kill me.


Please just kill me.


Please.


That's what you always say.


You've had a bad day  but this will wipe it clean,


get you in the  mood to start again.


No, please! No, get off me!


What are you doing!


Takes about 30 minutes...


... for it to fully  do the business.


So while it does...


...why don't we watch some  in-flight entertainment?


Please no.


(Jemima) Healthy  stuff like apples.


Please stop.


You should enjoy this.


You shot it.


A picnic for me and  my two best friends.


(beeping)


(screams)


Help me!


(Jem) Okay, everyone, we're  about to head into the park


so I'll hand you  over to Baxter.


(applause)


Thank you. All of our  roles are very,


very important, yours included.  Now yours come with some


basic rules: Rule number one  "No Talking," not just to her,


but each other as well.  Okay, unless it's essential.


What we're trying to do  is get her to believe that


you are all mesmerised.


(laughter)


I know, I know, I know but  she's believed it up to now.


Morning, ticket please.


Thank you.


(Jem) Okay, rule number two:  Keep your distance.


I can't stress the importance  of this one enough, okay.


Don't forget, she's a  dangerous individual.


Imagine that she's  an escaped lion.


Now yesterday she  threw a projectile.


And we will step in if  she gets too close, we're all


equipped with Tasers but then  we're into story shutdown and


we've all wasted a day. So  it's best to keep your distance


at least three metres back.  You can use your camera zoom.


Last but not least,  enjoy yourself. That's probably


the most important rule of all,  okay? Take lots of photographs


run around through the woods  but try and stay safe.


We'll be keeping an eye  on you making sure you're


all okay, so get out  there, enjoy yourselves and


let's make this show  happen, people. Come on!


Look, there she is.


(Jem) Don't know yet.  I'm kind of knackered.


Me, too.


(Baxter) She's just leaving her  house now... two minutes tops.


Right you are.


We're on.


(whistling)


Watch out!


He's trying to fucking  kill me. What's going on?


(Jem) Get that extinguisher.


It's okay, they've gone.


Convincing, eh?


(whistles)


Right you are. Two minutes.


Help!


Help me!


Early screamer.  It's an early screamer tonight.


So keep the noise  up and let's go!


(door opens)


(clears throat)


They're ready for you now.


Gwendolyn Harris. We've met.


Bournemouth.


But you don't know the others.


No, but I'm familiar with you.


Why do you want to be an MP?


Because I'm not satisfied  with the way things are.


And rather than  sit back and moan,


I'd prefer to do  something about it.


(man) Go again from the start.


Ok. I don't know why anyone's  surprised the world's


number one teen idol's  become a Scientologist.


Speed up the autocue please.


Popstars do believe  in weird things.


Abba believed in angels.  R Kelly believed he could fly.


They said show you this.


- This happen just now?  - Mm-hm.


Gladwell?


"Shamed Tory Jason  Gladwell resigns capitals -


over Twitter porn pic scandal."


Oh, so he wasn't  hacked after all.


"Originally claimed his  account had been hacked.


Resignation statement admits  'inappropriate correspondence'


with a 15-year-old girl.


What's he tweeting dick photos  as "correspondence" now is it?


"Departure triggers a  by-election in his Stentonford


and Hersham constituency."


Well you get to use  the Gladwell stuff.


Mm-hm.


Bump it all to the  top of the monologue.


Anyone seen Jamie?


(phone ringing)


(Jamie) Rach-


(Rachel) Oh. You shouldn't  be calling me any more.


You need  to sort yourself out.


I am.


Focus on Waldo.  That's going well for you.


But it's not...


He's a hit, Jamie.


"He", not me, "he".


Oh, just do your show.


I will...


- (knocking on door)  - I mean, hon, if you'd just...


(woman) Jamie.


Jamie, hurry up.


(woman) What do you know about  Stentonford and Hersham?


Safe Tory seat,


so realistically I know there's  not much of a chance but...


So it's a stepping stone  for you?


Yes.


Obviously I wouldn't say  that outside of this room but...


You want me to be honest,  there's no point in pretending.


Is there anything  in your past that


might conceivably  cause problems?


No.


Except...


I did commit a series of  murders in Huddersfield


between '99 and 2003 but  that, apart from that...


Well. Thank you, Gwendolyn.


If you could leave  via that door.


Oh. That door?


We like to keep the  candidates separate.


Right. Yes.


Idiot, idiot.


(man) Shamed supergroomer  and all round pillock of the


community Jason Gladwell  has resigned as an MP, saying


he could "no longer maintain  his position": that position


presumably being "hunched over,  wanking madly at schoolkids".


(laughter)


- you ready?  - Uh-huh.


...how old the girl wasn't.


That's the sort of  feeble excuse


only a naive  schoolkid could swallow.


Which presumably was the idea.


Anyway the bad news is  he's resigned in disgrace.


The good news is he's now  free to pursue a full-time


career in the disgraced  paedophile industry.


Personally I don't understand  why anyone's surprised the...


Um, small change  to the intro.


- What?   - Nothing huge.


Conor wanted the Jacko gag  for the monologue...


That was my bit.


There's the Chancellor stuff,  you could use that.


- Bit "politics".  - You can do politics.


I do piss taking.


Go be Waldo.


Yes, commander.


(Conor) R Kelly  believed he could fly.


And Michael Jackson believed  that his doctor was qualified.


Big. Bold. Blue. Bear. Bollocks.


And now it's time for our  final visit to the world of


educational children's  programming courtesy of


everyone's favourite and only  occasionally inappropriate


cool kids TV character, Waldo.


(applause)


Whose mum's in  tonight, apparently.


Waldo, who have you had  in your cave this week?


Well, Conor.  In my big pink cave this week


I had former minister  for culture Liam Monroe.


He's quite handsome isn't he?


I was hoping he'd nosh me off.


Wanna see how it panned out?


I think we should.


Run VT!


Hey, everybody.  It's Waldo time. Yaaayy!


Cool! Cool! Waldoriffic!


Hey, kids. My guest this  week is Mister Monroe.


Hello, Mister Monroe.


Hello, Waldo.


Mister Monroe is a  "politician."


Po-li-ti-shann.


So what is a  politician, Mr Monroe?


Well a politician is  someone who tries to make


the world a fairer place.


Like Batman?


Not exactly like Batman.


Do you beat people up?


No, I don't beat people up.


Are you a pussy then?


Well, I'm not sure I know  exactly what you...


You don't know what pussy is?


(laughter)


Okay, clearly this  is some kind of joke.


No joke, sorry, let's move on.  Friends again?


(kissing sounds)


Hello, mate. Great show.


Good. Yeah.


(Jack) Well done, really good.  So uhm, we'll bring him over.


You go and get him,  I'll explain about...


Jamie.


What you want,  Miss Tamsin?


Behind me, man in glasses,  talking to Jack Napier.


Jack freaks me out.


Yeah, ditto, but he owns  the company,


and the man he's  with is important


and wants to talk to you.


He's from the channel.


Go on.


(Jack) Honestly what,  all I'm saying is -


(Jim) Is he shy?


(Jack) No all's I'm saying  is he's a terrific guy -


Jim, Jamie.  Jamie, Jim.


How do you do?


Jim, Jack James -


Jim was just talking  about Waldo.


Yeah. Liam Monroe  has lodged a complaint.


Toys out of the pram.


And that's...


Good press.


So tough to get a  breakthrough these days,


but when it does,  well, it's just fantastic.


It's fantastic the way Waldo  puts the piss up Monroe,


you know all those twats,  its punk, it's- it's--


(Conor) Jack.


Excuse me.


Well, Twitter can't  get enough of Waldo.


Loves him.


Look, I know this show is  coming back again next year


but we want  to see more of Waldo.


They want to do a pilot.


A Waldo pilot?


Yeah. I mean how  does that sound?


Yeah, that sounds good.


Sounds Storming Norman,  Fucking Storming.


Gonna give it to 'em!


(cell beep)


(man) Yeah but look, we  can't do sketches without Waldo,


it's a Waldo pilot,  it's a Waldo show,


it's gotta be  Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.


Realistically there isn't the  budget for other animations.


I mean live action,  other characters I can do.


What about The Brown Knight?


What, the "Crap Crusader"?


(woman) We can look  into the Brown Knight.


But right now, let's,  let's find more Waldo ideas.


(cell phone rings)


(Jamie) The problem is any  guests we book will be in on it.


They know that Waldo's a  joke, the surprise has gone.


Yeah, So we think round that.


Hey, boys and girls,  it's Waldo Time!


Yeahhhhh!


He's awesome, isn't he?


I mean, look.


Sod "name in lights",  you're an app now my brother.


Alright, Sara. How's the think  tanking going? Good shit?


Yeah, yeah.  We're making headway.


Good. I see our friend   Monroe is in the news again.


Running in the  Stentonford by-election.


We should get Waldo down there.


Hey. That's not a bad  idea, actually.


We get a van...


right, with a screen with  the image of Waldo on the side.


Like it.


And then when Monroe's  doing a meet-and-greet,


we just turn up and  just get under his skin.


I love that.  I love it.


- I've done Monroe.  - But, It was a great bit.


I'm dumb or clever enough  to be political. I just...


Why don't we get Waldo  to stand for the by-election?


Get people to vote for him?


He's not real.


But people have stood  as fictional characters before?


Do you think Screaming Lord  Sutch was his real name?


We just put "commonly  known as" on the ballot.


No one's actually going to vote  for him, that's not the point.


The point is we get  to hang around.


We're there for the count.


Well, go on then, Sara.  Whack it up there.


(woman) He's with   a mum and baby group.


Okay. Going live in  five, four, three, two.


(Liam) Thank you so much for  joining me this morning.


It's been incredibly informative  and I think we should


have a little round of  applause for the children.


Who were fantastic.  Thank you, Naomi.


Thank you for your time.


Hey! Hey, it's me Waldo.


Oh, I like your trainers,  man.


I'd wear trainers myself


but I can't 'cause I haven't  got feet. I've got stumps.


(laughter)


He's out.


Hey, Mister Monroe!  Mister Monroe. Hey!


Did you get off with  any of the mums?


Where'd you look while  they were breastfeeding?


They got big milky  tits, Mr Monroe.


He said it! Mister Monroe,  don't walk away from me.


I'm sorry about this, Liam.


Hey, I'm being snubbed.  Hey, don't ignore me.


Don't just get in your car.


It's a death trap  anyway, look at it.


Let's find out what we can about  the idiot inside that thing.


(man) Sure.


(Waldo) Mr Monroe. Oi!


(woman)  Stentonford labour party.


Right, you've got  a choice of styles,


so just choose one from there,  then you put your name in there.


This is like bloody Moonpig.


(man) Don't knock  the free mail-out.


Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use  some Fisher Price leaflet app.


He doesn't have to.


Day one of the campaign  in Stentonford and Hersham.


And Tory hopeful Liam Monroe  hits the ground running.


The licence fee is something  that's very close to my


heart and I suspect...


(Waldo) Mister Monroe!  Look at me Mister Monroe!


Hey, over here! Hey, over here.  Look over here, Mister Monroe.


(Liam) The conservative  party have been er-- have


been arguing for a reduction  of the licence fee for...


Good morning, everybody. Why  you ignoring me, Mister Monroe?


Why you ignoring me?  Mister Monroe?


Mister Monroe?  Why you ignoring me?


Mum with a pushchair,  drag her into it.


Hey, you. Mum with the  pushchair. Yeah, you.


Ask Mr Monroe why  he's ignoring me.


Why are you ignoring Waldo?


Mr. Monroe, what's  Waldo done to you?


We should probably just shift  before this turns stupid.


I'm not walking away  from a cartoon.


I'm not ignoring you.


Yeah, you were, you upset  me. You made Waldo sad.


Wah.


Well, obviously I'm absolutely  devastated that you're upset!


Wah!


Let him get a word in.


I'm not ignoring "you"  because there is no "you."


You are an image  voiced by a comedian,


an alleged comedian  more accurately.


If I'm not real,  why you talking to him?


And by him I mean me.  Nobber.


Right.


There's no point in attempting  to converse with a cartoon.


Oooh, "converse", your  lordship; thy flowery language


doth give me a right  throbbing bone-on.


Uhhh. Uhhh. Uhhh.


Finished.


Drink?


I've got emails.


You know that's  Gwendolyn Harris?


The Labour candidate.


Did you read my  background doc?


Yes.


Why don't you read it tonight?  Alone.


I'll swing by about nine,  so have your breakfast first.


Are you my dad?


Apparently not.


See you tomorrow.


(TV reporter) Today in the  Stentonford by-election.


Waldo the bear left  Monroe in stunned silence.


The colourful Waldo  launched his own campaign in


typically loud and   crowd-pleasing style.


Someone's bold?  Do I know you?


Nice way to greet a voter.


Sorry, I thought...


Actually, I'm more of a rival.


"Hey Mister Monroe,  Mister Monroe.


Why are you ignoring me,  Mister Monroe".


You're good at that.


Because I am "that".


What? You're that thing?


Waldo's not a "thing".  He's a bear.


Liam Monroe calls him worse.


Nice work there, by the way.


Yeah, well. It's dick jokes  at his expense basically.


Another one?


Okay. One.


The way you describe it,


it's like you're  doing this for a showreel.


No, but...


Like this place  is the equivalent of a  walk-on in a sketch show.


Shhh!


But your party  leader has to show up  because it's a mid-thing-


Midterm by-election.


Terminology tits.


You are twelve.


So because leaderballs is there,  suddenly it's walk-on


in a Ricky Gervais sketch  show so it's good exposure.


You're not gonna win, you  know you're not gonna win.


Come on, shhh.


You're not gonna win though.


Of course not.


So why not be honest?  Say "You arseholes aren't going


to vote for me, so here's  what I think anyway."


It doesn't work like that.


Nothing does, that's why  everything's bollocksed.


You're angry for someone  who's doing well.


I'm the voice of a blue bear.


If that's doing well,  then we are doomed.


I can't see.


(Jamie) Hang on,  there's a thing.


Have you had a fox in here or  do you live like a 14-year-old?


Don't get too excited,  I'm not sleeping in it.


Shit, really?


(loud moaning)


You're amazing.


Sorry?


You're amazing?


Ha! Thank you.


(sighs)


What's up?


Nothing.


Are you sure?


It's just...


I haven't been  happy in a while


and this is good, you know.


Mm.


Can I have your number?


Yes.


Where's our mark this morning?


We're out on the road.


Ooh. Bien sur.


Hello. I'm Mister Monroe.


Vote for me and  keep things shitty.


(laughs)


(cell beep)


Vote Waldo. Vote Waldo.


(Gwendolyn)  You're right. Strong Tory.


I warned you.


You know you're on Monroe turf  when they live so far apart.


(horn honks)


(man) I'm voting Waldo!


I met Waldo last night.


Jamie, the guy who plays him.  He's fun.


Fun?


Mmm-hmm.


Did you tell him anything  about our campaign?


Not really.


Not really or no?


Look, he's okay.


He's a comedian.


He's mocking Monroe  now, it'll be you next.


His act is all f-this  and penis jokes.


- But...  - Don't see him again.


Okay. Job done  till the husting tomorrow.


Some media students doing  a Question Time type thing;


they've asked Waldo  to join the panel.


Oh, come on. It's my nightmare,  going on Question Time.


It's students, you'll walk it.


I can't answer  serious questions!


No one wants you to!


You're the comic  relief, lighten up.


Just have a look. I'm sure  you'll find lots in there.


(cell rings)


(Roy) Are there any issues  you're concerned about at all?


(ringing stops)


(disconnect tone)


Hey.


Oh, hi.


I thought we were going to...


Sorry I've had a tough day.


Right. Not even one?


Sorry.


Well, what about tomorrow?


Look, I can't. When this is  happening, I can't see you.


- What do you mean?  - I'm sorry.


Do they think that  looks like Question Time?


Yeah.  It looks politicsy.


Check the host.  Jailbait Dembleby.


When it comes  to addiction and addicts


we should sympathise,  but we shouldn't patronise.


You know serious drug  use is a criminal offence,


that is committed  voluntarily and for pleasure.


Look, I'm sorry,  these are the facts.


Waldo, what do you think?


Mister Monroe,  are you addicted?


No.


Sorry I mean  "Are you a dickhead?"


(laughter)


I think we have to ask  ourselves...


I think we have to ask ourselves


"What is this for"?  And "Why do we waste our time


with animated trivialities  like him? I mean why?


Why?


I mean why? I mean why? I mean  why? I mean why? I mean why?


This is just the kind of thing,  rather than see you laugh...


They laugh at you, Limbo.


You laugh, you're laughing  at someone who won't engage.


Who is scared to engage,


who hides behind  a children's cartoon.


Who you calling a  kiddy toon, fool?


I'm, I'm, I'm speaking  about James Salter.


- That's your name, isn't it?  - Don't worry about it.


James Salter, this is the  man who's behind all this.


He's 33 years old, a man whose  career can be summed up


surprisingly quickly: you were  in a sketch troupe that enjoyed


minor success about six years  ago and the, the others moved


on to better things, but your  main achievement seems to have


been playing the, the part of  a corn-on-the-cob in a high


interest personal loan  commercial.


I notice you're,  you keep that pretty quiet.


And now of  course operating this,


this sort of teddy bear thing.


Which by the way is  easier than it looks.


Anyone could do it.  See this is, this is the thing.


It's easy, what he does.


He mocks.


And when he can't think of  an authentic joke, which is


actually quite often,  he just swears.


I think that this puppet's  inclusion on this panel debases


the process of debate, and  smothers any meaningful


discussion of the issues.


So I return to  my original question,


is that really what this is for?


He has nothing to offer  and he has nothing to say.


Prove me wrong.  Huh? Speak, Waldo.


Please.


Come on. Speak up.


There you see, nothing.


Aw, go fuck yourself.


(laughter)


There. More swearing.


You're a joke.  You look less human than I do


and I'm a made-up bear  with a turquoise cock.


What are you? You're just an  old attitude with new hair.


Assuming you're my  superior because I'm not  taking you seriously?


No one takes you seriously,  that's why no one votes.


- The vast majority do vote.  - Bullshit.


Surely this is enough?


You think you deserve respect?


Well, just common courtesy.


Because you went  to public school and


grew up believing you're  entitled to everything?


Ad hominem nonsense.


Gwendolyn Harris we...


Something's got to change.


No one trusts you lot  'cause they know


you don't give a shit about  anything outside your bubble.


What about your mate Gladwell,  the kiddy-flasher, you knew


him for 20 years, did you  not know what he was like?


No, of course not.


Yeah, 'cause you're  all just front, like him,


sly and pretending, and in  that way you're all the same.


Gwendolyn Harris, is all  of politics a waste of time?


Well, of course I think no.


Oh, shut up.  You're worse.


Seriously, she's  faker than him.


For once I find myself  agreeing with Liam Monroe in


that this really doesn't  get us anywhere, and there's


not much point  in us continuing to...


Why are you here?  Tell them why you're here.


Tell them why you're here.  Tell them why you're here.


She's here to build a showreel.  I'm not kidding,


that's literally it.  Knows she's not going to win,


this is all experience,  to get herself on telly.


She actually gives less of a  shit about anyone round here


than he does because he'll  actually have to represent you.


Am I wrong?


A career politician, someone  else less real than me,


and I can do this.


(laughter)


Can I just make  a couple of points...


Oh, shut up, you pebble.


What is this for?  Is that what you wanted to know?


And the truth is, none of us  know any more thanks to you.


What are you for?  What are you for?


Thank you and goodnight.


(loud panting)


(knocks on door)


(Tamsin) Jamie.


Jamie?


Jack says he wants to see us.


You can't avoid it.


Get dressed.  He'll meet us outside.


(Reporter) And yet accusations  of vapidity aside, it's clearly


tapped a nerve: in just three  days, Waldo has gone viral.


The video of his clash has  already been viewed over a


million times on YouTube.


There are Facebook  groups calling on


Waldo to form a national party.


(Waldo) You're a joke.  You look less human than I do


and I'm a made-up bear  with a turquoise--


What are you? You're just  an old attitude with new hair.


Assuming you're  my superior because I'm


not taking you seriously?  No one takes you seriously.


Oh, look here he is,  the man of the moment!


How does it feel  to be a phenomenon?


(Jamie) Shitifying.


You are everywhere,  my son.


Twitter, the news,  have you seen the poll?


You're in third place, mate.  You overtook that Lib Dem prick.


Yeah, well, he's  a glass of water.


This is an opportunity, Jamie.


He knows my name now.


(Jack) We could really   do something here.


You know everyone's  pissed with the


status quo, and Waldo  gives that a voice.


Waldo's a bear, a blue bear.


Tell him, Tams.


We've been asked on Consensus.


It's a ten minute  one-to-one interview


- with Phillip Crane.  - "Pitbull Crane"?


Big guns for big guns.


Hello? I'm not a  politician, okay?


I don't want to be a politician.


(Jack) We know that  you hate politics.


I don't hate them, I'm just  not interested in them.


You don't need to be  interested in them.


You just need to be Waldo.


And when Crane asks  something tricky and


I look stupid because I  don't know how to answer?


You'll know the answer.  Because you have a producer.


Look, I can tell you  what to say.


I can live-google any facts,


give you stats, quotes,  whatever else you need.


So you've got a safety net  for the concrete stuff


and the rest is Waldo and you  can do that in your sleep.


You'll piss all over Crane.


He'll know there's a team  around me, he'll see it.


Yeah, good. I hope he does.  I hope he points a camera at it.


All the other MPs have  got teams, we're just


more honest about it. Now  come on. What d'you say? Ey?


Jamie. Jamie!


Why would  I want to do this?


Look the world is knackered and  you can do something about it.


I don't know what  you're on about.


Waldo has got the attention  of the young, and the young


don't give a shit about  anything except trainers  and pirating films.


Do you have any other astounding   theories about young people?


Yeah, yeah, I do actually.  Look, they care about Waldo,


they'll vote for Waldo. The  video was a hit for a reason...


The video's embarrassing.  I'm embarrassed by it.


I was lashing out.  I wasn't even articulate -


It doesn't matter-


Or funny which  is almost worse.


We can build on that.


Waldo's not real.


Exactly! That's what you  said that really hit home,


he's not real, but he's  realer than all the others.


He doesn't stand for anything.


Yeah well at least he doesn't  pretend to. Look we, we don't


need politicians, we've all got  iPhones and computers right?


So any decision that has to  be made, any policy we just


put it online. Let the  people vote thumbs up,


thumbs down, the majority  wins. That's a democracy.


That's a, that's an  actual democracy.


So's YouTube and I don't know  if you've seen it but the most


popular video is a dog farting  the theme tune to Happy Days.


Well, today it's Waldo.


No. It's still the dog.


Listen, can you imagine  all the things we can change


if we fucked the  politicians out the equation.


I've said what I've said  and now I'm shutting this door.


Do you know who owns Waldo?  I do, I own the rights.


He's my character.


Yeah, written  for my show.


You're too frightened to  take to the next level.


Fine. I understand.  But also: fuck off.


And watch me fly.


You own Waldo,  you can't be Waldo.


(Waldo voice) Eh Jamie,  Jamie. What's happening?


Pretty close I'd say.


What's happening?  Ahh, Waldorific yeahh, yeahhh.


Why's it going of left a bit?


Because the...


I know I've got my...


Put your thumb  in the white thing -


I got that in there. Okay.


That's not how that works.


First tonight,  a figure, or more accurately


a character who's been  causing an upset in the


Stentonford by-election.  Unlike the other candidates


he has no party affiliation.  He doesn't even have a surname.


He is Waldo, a few weeks ago  just a cult character in a


comedy show, today, an official   mascot for protest voters .


Vote Waldo.


Cartoons don't play by the  rules and Waldo's open disdain


for his opponents has  clearly struck a chord.


Waldo, as a mascot for the  disenfranchised aren't you


ultimately neutralizing  seriously effective dissent?


Can I have subtitles  for Mr Crane, please?


By encouraging people not to  care, you're actively dangerous.


Dangerous, you think the  public can't be trusted?


No.


Isn't that basically  you calling them twats?


No, I...


Bellends, then?


Did you actually come  here for a discussion or...


You're snooty for a glorified  Punch and Judy man, Phil.


You know you're gonna get  your best ratings in months


'cause I'm here.


To even get close  to the figures,


I'm gonna pull in  for you tonight,


you'd have to fuck  a prawn sandwich live on air.


Make a nice prawn cocktail.


Yeah could we make a serious  political point that is.


I've got one big blue  point to make, fool.


Would you like to  have a look at it?


Great work tonight. Look at,  Look at this, look at this.


It's The Waldo polling app.  Now this can pinpoint you


with GPS so that when  you're at a polling station


it unlocks loads  of free shit, look.


(Waldo) Thanks  for voting, dickhead!


Thanks for voting, dickhead!


(laughs) It's good isn't it?


Who's this guy we're meeting?


I dunno.  But he's from Washington


and he's got my  restricted number.


Jeff Carter,  from the agency.


(Jack) Hey.


Hey. And I'll leap right in.


I think what you're doing  with Waldo is fascinating.


From "the agency"?


Yeah, listen, Waldo may be the  perfect political figurehead.


Waldo the bear.


The bear people like. The fact  he's a bear's an assist.


- "An assist"?  - It helps.


(Jeff) Right. You look  at human politicians;


you're instinctively like  brrrr - uncanny, right?


Like the girls in porn you  just know something's wrong,


'cause why else  are they doing it?


It's usually Daddy issues, ey.


Just like politics.  Waldo bypasses that.


You already know he's not real.  So no personal flaws.


I'm a person.


With respect, Waldo's  more than you.


He's a team, and you're open  about that, which is fantastic.


The honesty thing works.


Waldo is a construct people  not just accept but embrace.


At the moment  he's anti-politics,


which is a political stance  in itself, right?


But he could deliver  any brand of political


content, minus the potential  downsides of a human messenger.


In a debate, your team could  google every word the other guy


says, then let Waldo hit him  with debunk stats and spit a


Twitter-ready zinger  into the next sentence.


He's the perfect assassin.


We won't win though.


You guys are so British.


No, of course he won't win, you  started out too coarse off the


bat, there's no substantial  basis to what you offer, and the


whole nihilist "democracy sucks"  thing yeah is kind of wack-a-doo


but with a targeted, hopeful  message which we of course can


provide. Energising the  disenfranchised without spooking


the middle via your new  platform: you got a global


political-entertainment product  people actually want.


You could roll  this out worldwide.


- Like Pringles.  - Absolutely.


It's...  It's interesting stuff though.


When you're done  with Stentonford,


there may be an opportunity  in South America.


Se puede hablar espaol?


Vivi en Madrid tres aos.


Excelente.


What?


He's not coming.


But he's the party leader.


It's too toxic.


(woman) Meanwhile as support  for Gwendolyn Harris appears to


be dwindling, Labour denies  the party is losing faith


in their young candidate but  Miss Harris spent most of the


day locked in crisis talks  at party head...


(turns TV off)


(radio) In the Stentonford  by-election,


Waldo the cartoon  bear continues to...


Did you see Gwendolyn  Harris yesterday?


She looks like  she's been poisoned.


Because he's gonna overtake her.


If that thing is the main  opposition, then the


whole system looks absurd.


Which it may well be.


But it built these roads.


(knocks on door)


Just come in, Roy.


I'm sorry, okay?


It was wrong to  speak to you like that...


After the campaign,  I would've called you.


After the campaign.


All you've done  is strengthen Monroe.


You won't win either, but  I was at least attempting


to represent...


Well, I don't know, not just  bollocks to everything.


If you were preaching  revolution, that'd be something.


But you're not because that'd  require courage and a mindset.


And what have you got?


Who are you?


What are you for?


Morning.


So final push.


You remind everyone that's  got the app, that if they


recommend it to friends it  unlocks a little fez for Waldo.


(Tamsin) We're here.


Attention shoppers.


I'm here to ask you an  important favour. Gather round.


Come over here and listen.


Don't vote for me, I'm  an insult. Seriously.


Vote for Monroe or  Harris or I dunno,


UKIP or even that Lib Dem guy.


(woman) He's a prick!


Seriously, only an arsehole  would actually vote for me.


What Is this, irony?


I'm worse than a wasted vote.


He's from the Harris campaign.


I mean it, you idiots!  Don't vote for me!


Don't vote for me!  Don't vote for me!


Don't vote for...


Booo!


Shut up.


No. Don't boo him, he's right!  He's right.


- What are you doing?  - Resigning.


Jamie.


Look! It's me, I'm Waldo.


This guy, whoever this  guy is, he's a hero.


You should throw stuff at  Waldo, he's bad bloody news.


- (woman) He's funny.  - He's not.


Don't listen to that  man, he's a lesbian. Ah!


- (laughing)  - So remember,


the polls are open,  and if you've got my app,


you can unlock new stuff like  catchphrases and a little


hat n' that. Only an idiot  wouldn't vote for me.


So question the status quo!


(Jamie) Kill it!


Kick them where it hurts!


The first man to hit him  gets five hundred quid!


Yeah, that's right. Knock  him down. Knock him down.


Smash it.  Yeah, Yeah. Yeah, Yeah.


Yeah.


(TV) I the undersigned, being  the returning officer for the


Stentonford and Hersham  constituency, hereby give


notice that the total number  of votes recorded for each


candidate at the  election is as follows.


Finch, Simon Arthur.  Liberal Democrats.


Two thousand four  hundred and forty-nine.


(applause)


Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie.  Labour.


Eleven thousand, two  hundred and thirty-seven.


Monroe, Liam George Tennyson.  Conservative.


Nineteen thousand, one  hundred and sixty one.


Waldo, Independent.


(yelling)


Sixteen thousand seven  hundred and eighty four.


(cheering)


Ladies, Ladies and gentlemen,  please, I declare  that Liam Monroe


is duly elected member of  Parliament for the  constituency.


(applause, booing)


(Waldo) Hey, hey everyone.


Five hundred quid to  anyone who can lob a shoe!


(officer) Up you get, come on.


Come on!


Come on, out you go.


Come on.


(Chinese voice)


(officer) Oi!


(electricity crackles)


[electronic humming]


[high-pitched whine]


[mirror cracking]


[ice crackling]


[wind rushing]


[faint music plays]


[ Wizzard: "I Wish It Could  Be Christmas Every Day"]


[pots clanking]


[turns music off]


I was just  getting into that.


What are you doing?


Roast potatoes.


- We're doing Christmas.  - Christmas.


Christmas Day, December 25th.  You've heard of it?


No work today, so, uh...  the bottle's on the table.


I know we didn't have  decorations last year.  But, uh...


I couldn't find them  last year.


They're only supposed  to have stored essentials here.


I think it's kind of adorable  someone thinks tinsel is  essential.


I figured it'd be good for us  to have a... a meal.


A drink. Talk?


- Good for you or me?  - Come on. What has it been,


five years? How many sentences  have you said to me? Three?


- [sighs]  - I mean,  I'm exaggerating... a little.


But, come on, there is a little  bit of a conversational drought  happening here.


- My ears need water.  - I'm not big on conversation.


- Practice makes perfect.  - Maybe I'll bore you.


Buddy, look, at this point,


being bored by anything other  than snow would be a relief.


So come on.


Chit-chat.


Conversate, something.


Come on, for me.


- for Christmas.  - What do you want  to talk about?


Why are you here?


No one ends up here


without things going to total  shit for them back out there.


It's a job, not a jail.


Often one  and the same thing.


So...


...what went wrong  for you out there?


Nothing.


Bullshit.


It's not an interrogation.


What about you?


An icebreaker.  You're learning.


- What went to shit for you?  - Sure you don't want  that drink?


Did you talk  your way into trouble?


In a roundabout way.


I talked to people.


- Made money from it.  - Why? What were you?


Some sort of, um,  Los Angeles drive-time DJ?


I was not a DJ.


More like a guru.


Oh, don't say you were  a spiritual guru.


I was decidedly not  a spiritual guru.


[musical notification]


[man] Hello, Harry.  I'm patched through now.  How are you doing?


[Harry] Sorry,  I'm not quite dressed yet.


[man] Don't worry,  that's why I'm here.


Just show me what  you're planning on wearing


and we'll take things  from there.


- How about this?  - Doesn't work.


It's boring blue and you're  not boring blue. Not tonight.


All right.  Which one of these is good?


Like I said,  white shirt with a black tie


with a slim-cut grey jacket.


Classic, timeless. Smart.


- I don't usually do jackets.  - You don't usually do anything.


And sort out that hair,   because...


OK. [exhales]


Remember those breathing  techniques we talked about, OK?


You're going to do fine.


It's going to be fine.


[loud music playing]


[indistinct chattering]


- She's cute.  - Yes.


Not out loud.


Absolutely.


You need to pick your spots when  you want to talk out loud. OK?


OK. The function room  is in the back.


Trust me, if you walk  in there like you belong,


- no one's going  to say anything.  - OK.


So what were you running,  some corporate espionage outfit?


Romantic services.


Boy meets girl thanks to...


...in-the-field assistance.


You coached dorks whilst  they cruised singles bars.


Singles bars are depressing.  We'd do regular bars and clubs.


But at Christmas time...


...we'd gate-crash  office parties.


See, there's this dynamic  to Christmas work parties.


All the attractive women


have been surrounded by  regulation office ass-clowns


for the whole year, and now they  want to let their hair down.


According to the pop  psychologist.


So I know how the mind works.


[man] Now, don't stand  around like a lamppost.


Walk over to the bar.


Remember. Always move  with purpose.


[indistinct chattering]


- [woman] Yeah, who's next?  - Yeah. Can I have a...?


Three pints, a vodka Diet Coke  and a shot of tequila.


[scoffs] Yeah. Don't worry  about him, all right?


Just grab one of those  empty bottles off the bar


while Captain Douchebag  orders his piss water.


We're just going to need it  for a prop anyway.


Have a look around.


See anything you like?


What? The blonde?


The dark-haired girl?


Interesting choice. Go straight  over, but focus on the blonde.


Now. Come on.


Confidence. You can do this.


Hold on, just finding  out who they are.


OK, uh, bullshit opener.


Um, try the horse story.  At the blonde girl.


[clears throat]


Hey, so, did anyone see that guy  outside riding the horse?


- Did you see him?  - What? A guy on A horse?


Yeah, like, 20 minutes ago,  this guy, shirtless,


- riding A horse  down the high street.  - Really?


Yeah, honestly. He, uh...


The weirdest part was that  he had a bow and arrow, right?


- What? A real bow and arrow?  - I swear to God.


He probably did it for a bet  but he looked like something  out of Tolkien,


- you know?  - [both laugh]


- Sorry, who are you?  - [nervous chuckle]


Stall until I...  until I find something.


I'm pretty sure I'm me.


Just you're not  from the office.


Who do you know from here?


Say, "I know you." Friendly.


I know you, for one.


- Dawson.  - Dawson, isn't it?


You met at Kath's barbecue.


Yeah. We met at  Kath's barbecue back in...


- June.  - ...June or so. Yeah.


He had a pork pie hat.


You had a poor guy's hat.


A "pork pie hat."


A pork pie hat that  you wore on your head.


He'll pretend he remembers,  even though


he won't actually  know if he does.


- Right.  - Yeah?


Yeah, sorry.


No. No, no worries.  No worries. Crazy night.


You're doing fine.  Don't neglect the blonde.


You, I don't know.


- Um, Amy.  - Amy. Hi.


Get her to introduce you  to the dark-haired girl.


[clears throat] So, uh, are all  of your friends this suspicious?


- Nice.  - I don't think so.


- [Harry] Yeah?  - This is Jennifer.


- Hi, Jennifer.  - Hi.


Now focus on Amy and we'll do  that funny material that we  worked on.


Anyway, this guy gets off  the horse and he's got  a backpack, right?


The tactic,  generally, was to deliberately


freeze out the one you were  actually interested in.


For one thing you  wouldn't seem needy but...


...also they would, most times,  sort of lean in naturally.


People want to be noticed.


They don't like to be shut out.  It makes them feel invisible.


But this girl...


This girl seemed content  with being ignored.


Maybe she could  smell a loser.


No.


No. She was an outsider.


An attractive outsider.


And there's nothing more  tantalising than that.


[indistinct chatter]


- Huh.  - [Harry] Great.


Well, she's off. OK.


Gonna be a challenge.  Don't quit.


Let's let our friend Amy here  yadder on for a little while


and then, uh,  find an excuse to slip away.


They will sit outside  on the balcony till,  like, four in the morning.


[Harry] Yeah?  It's startling.


Listen, I've just go  to the, um, little boys' room.


So, uh, just keep the party  going and I'll,


- you know... [laughs]  - Sure.


Do you actually have to go?


Yeah, but it's not  easy with you watching.


I promise. I won't peek.


So you streamed everything  he saw, and he trusted you  with that?


Well...  it was only me watching.


Jesus, how much urine? He's  pissing like a harpooned cow.


- It's making me want to go.  - [all laughing]


[man] Well, it is!


OK, there's our girl.  Um, all right, Harry.


Your best bet is to just go over  and start talking to her.


You just want  to establish a rapport.


OK? Don't be scared of her.


OK, guys, any observations so  far, helping our man out here?


Here's what's interesting,  she's pretty but, uh,  no one's hitting on her.


[man 1] Probably means  they've given up.


[man 2] She always gives them  the brush-off cos...


They're regular types, she's an  outsider with zero in common.


- OK that's a possible in.  - [exhales]


Harry, engage in conversation,  but be cynical.


Right? Cutting.


Like Bonnie and Clyde, huh?  You two against the world.


Confidence. Confidence.  Just talk to her.


I don't really get parties.


You know, you just kind of turn  up and it's, uh, it's enforced  fun, all night.


Talk about what TV shows  you've fallen behind on.


Pretend to be happy.  [scoffs]


Maybe everyone else enjoys it,  maybe it's just me?


It's definitely  not just you.


All right, good start. Now do  some more outsider small talk.


And keep looking at her.  I need to gauge her reactions.


So I noticed you sitting  alone on the edge and I, uh...


I thought,  "Hey, kindred spirit."


I really hate when people say  "kindred spirit", you know.


And people that do that.


- Me too.  - [chuckles]


Yeah, I guess you don't  really like parties either.


The noise wrecks it for me.


All the talking and talking,  it never fucking stops.


OK, she curses,  so should you.


Shit, fucking, I fucking always  totally think that it's fucking  shit. You know?


I can't think through  all the babble.


I only got through it last year  because I was on drugs.


[laughs]


I'm sorry, what's that?  What's that?


Just, like, pills, but


they must've been pretty strong  because I actually enjoyed  myself.


- That's cool.  - Don't say cool.


- I wish I had some drugs  right now.   - No, you don't.


I'm just... I'm joking.


I don't take them anymore.


- Say, "That's good."  - That's good,  because you don't...


You don't need that  shit in your system, no.


I'd say she's a level four  rock chick.


Semi-reformed. Probably respond  well to spiritual conversation.


I don't think I can face  fucking weeks of that.  I might bail, boys.


OK, look,  it's too public here.


Ask if you can move someplace  quieter, where you can really  talk.


People want to be heard.  That's why 90 per cent of  seduction is just listening.


[man] Or at least pulling  a face like you're listening.


Yeah, that works, too.


The important thing  is to make them feel important.


Like they can make you want to  extinguish the rest of the world


and focus on them.


Full attention.


Like you're not giving me now.  What's wrong?


- that clock.  - What about it?


I just... I just never  noticed it before.


[scoffs] In five years? Jesus.


Anyway, the point is to stay  locked in on them long enough


to build a rapport.


So, well, I would guess  that either every guy in there


has already tried to hit on you  or, uh, maybe they find you too  intimidating.


- Am I intimidating?  - No, no, no, no, no.  I'm just, uh...


No, I just imagine that  they all kind of want  to get in inside your...


- Head.  - ...head.


[chuckles]  Some of them have tried.


Not directly.


They send messages,  or they make it so you know  what they're thinking.


Yeah. That can't be fun.


It's just tiring, you know.  It just doesn't end, ever.


[Harry] I wouldn't know,  I never hit on anyone.


- [Jennifer] Really?  - OK, uh...


- Ask her how long  she's worked there.  - Um...


[Harry] How long  have you worked for...


- Magson Frank.  - ...Magson Frank.


- Three years.  - Oh, wow.  So Three Christmas parties.


This will be my last.


- Oh, Really? are you leaving?  - Mm-hm.


I've been planning it forever,  but you know what it's like.


You know you have to do it, but  when it comes right down to it,


it's hard  to work up the courage.


You can empathize with that.


Yeah. It's like when you want  to jump into a pool,


and you're worried that  the water's going to be cold.


But you know moments after you  jump in that it'll be fine.


It's the fear of the shock  that holds you back.


Ultimately, the only thing  you're worried about is  the transition


from one state to another.


And that can't hurt you  because it's... it's just  a state change.


Great stuff, kid.  Almost word-for-word.


That's exactly right,  it's just a state change.


Right. And it's   frustrating because


you've always got these ten  voices in your head saying,  "Don't do it"


and another ten in your head  saying, "Do it".


Which one do you listen to?


The "do it"s.


Really?


Yeah. If you don't like it, you  can just cut and run, you know.


Get it over and done with.


You're right. I will.


[chuckles]


Well... to changing states.


- To changing states.  - [liquid sloshing]


- [Harry laughs] Ooh!   - [Jennifer] Ooh! Sorry.


- She touched his knee.  - She touched his fucking knee!


Gentlemen, gentlemen,  please, please.


Harry, you're doing great.  Ask her if she would like  another drink.


Listen, let me get you  another drink.


[chuckles] Let me think.  I just need the loo a sec.


So thanks to you some gawko  finally meets a girl.


It's not much  of a Christmas story.


I haven't finished yet.


Maybe he comes down her chimney.


[exhales]


[exhales] I just don't feel  comfortable doing this.


What?


I mean she... I like her.


- She likes you.  - It's cheating.


I'd never have even  had the nerve to talk to her.


Aren't you glad you did?


Yeah, I... Yes. Yes.  But I just...


It's just a bit of a nightmare  having you, you know,


all of you in my head, watching  us... Telling me what to do.


I just want to talk to her  myself. And it's...


It's a bit of a head-fuck. I  kind of want you all to go away.


I don't... Hey.  [nervous chuckle]


[clears throat]


- Come back to mine.  - Sorry?


I want you  to come back to mine.


I thought about asking you, and  a little voice said, "Do it".


So I'm doing it.


Um... uh...


Say yes!


I want to do this.


It's my way of saying thanks.


- Sorry.  - no, um...


- Hole-in-one!  - On his first run!


- His first bloody run!  - Just say yes.


Yes. Yes. Yes.


[door opens]


[both exhale nervously]


I don't usually bring  people back here.


Well, I'm honoured.


- Come in.  - [man] Did you watch


when they went back to hers  and got up to whatever  they got up to.


Did you carry on watching  through his eyes?


What do you think I am?


Clearly, I don't know.


Maybe if you spoke  to me more, you'd know.


No. My job was done.


Of course I didn't watch.


- [Harry] Here? OK.  - [Jennifer] Mm-hm.


Nice place.  I like the mantelpiece.


And that bird.


Kooky decor.


Indicating sexual  adventurousness.


[exhales]


- I'll get the drinks.  - Yeah, OK. I'll just sit.


- The bedroom's that way.  - Yeah, OK.


I'll meet you in there.


OK, Harry.  You're going to the moon.


Just sooner than expected.


- I can't... I can't do it.  - This is first-time nerves.


It's all happening so suddenly.  I didn't expect this,  this quickly.


You just got  to roll with it.


I don't want you  all to see, all right?


Oh, now he's  Mr Fucking Ethics.


Now wait.  You were happy to take


- a window seat  while others did it.  - [Harry] That was different!


I didn't hear any objections  when he watched me getting  sucked off


by that German girl.  That was a first date.


- [Harry] Look...  - Refund.


Look, she's too real.  This is too real.


Nothing is too real.


Yeah, but...


- You're standing.  - Yeah, I...


I just didn't want  to be too presumptuous.


I need you on the bed.


[man on monitor] Jesus!


[nervous chuckle]


[both chuckle nervously]


[whispers]  They can't fucking wait.


- Oh...  - Is She going  to take that top off?


- If there's no tits.  I want a discount.  - They're gonna have sex.


You're getting the season  finale in episode one.


Yeah, but if I don't  see her tits...


Will you please be patient?  Jesus.


Have some respect.


[grunting]


[coughing]


Hey. Are you OK in there?


Wow. What is that?


"Fuck them" is what it is.


A big glass of "fuck them".


Fuck... fuck who?


Always saying what to do,  half saying one thing,  half saying another.


The talk, the constant talk.


- This isn't good.  - I'm not getting tits, am I?


I stopped taking the pills  they said I should take,


because they dulled the sound.


Always, they've spoken to me,


always there, and I've had it.


OK, Harry, I think we should  think about wrapping this up.


I was planning on drinking this  tonight to make them stop,  but I was wavering.


Coward, fucking coward,


and then I met you,  and it was fate.


You knew what it was like  and you said do it.


So now, we're saying  "fuck it" together.


- What's in the drink?  - It doesn't matter. Wrap it up.


I know you hear them too.  I saw you talking to them.


No. They're real people,  these are real people.


There's no such thing  as real people.


- Harry, get out of there now!  - [Harry coughing]


It's like a club, it's a club  where we meet girls and they  talk us through...


- no one understands Me, either.  - no.


All night, they've been watching  us and there's this one guy,


- he's the leader.  He's the leader.  - We're the same.


They're watching us. All night,  they've been watching.


They can see you.  They can see me.


No one understands  what that's like.


There are a hundred  who see through me,


standing at their government  depots,


shouting what to think.


[Harry struggling to breathe]


Not any more.


- You too.  - I don't want it.


- It's a state change.  - I don't want it.


It's just a transition


and soon, they won't be there  and we'll be free.


Please... Please...  I don't want it.


You do.


Shh, shh, shh, shh...


- [Harry grunting frantically]  - Shh, shh, shh. You do.


She murdered him?


A mercy killing, she'd say.


- So when Did you  find out about this?  - Hm?


I mean, when did you know  that this had happened?


Uh... I saw it on a newscast,  I think.


[Harry screaming, gurgling]


Wipe and destroy everything. OK?  Everything. Now go.


[toy squeaks]


[toy clatters  and plays loud music]


[trash clattering]


[woman] Matthew?


What's going on?


What are you doing?


So Claire... she was my wife.


She's British, you'd like her.


And I'm your wife, in fact.


[Matthew] Claire found out  I was involved


and took what you might call  a dim view.


She blocked me.


You ever been blocked?


I've had enough.  Matthew, it's done.


- Stop it. Stop.  - Not This time.


[Matthew]  It drives you crazy.


- Why? Why?  - Once they hit  that button, that's it,


you're locked out.  End of conversation.  You can't hear or speak to them.


They can't hear  or speak to you.


Every time you look at them,  there's just this...  anonymous shape.


It usually only lasts  for what, like an hour.


But when  they leave it going,


oh, shit.


Price of progress, I suppose.


[exhales deeply] We all got...


We all got  Zed-Eyes put in, right.


Which is all fine and dandy  until something like this  happens


and then it's bullshit.


You can't  even take them out.


Packet gravy.


How British.


Merry Christmas.


Now we're festive. Huh?


To Christmas!


Anyway, she left me,  took custody of Mel,  that's our daughter.


Hence, stranding me  in this lovely place.


I didn't want to be  surrounded by reminders.


[door slams shut]


- What?  - Did you hear that?


Hear what?


Well, anyway,  I'm glad we're talking.


Silence can be oppressive.  You think weird shit  in a vacuum, huh?


I mean, you feel better, right?  Communicating?


Talking to me, finally?


A little bit, maybe. Yeah.


[laughs]  Man, you are a locked box.


I mean,  that's a good thing.


Most people are too easy  to read, especially  if you know minds.


Using party tricks to pick up  girls isn't "knowing minds."


The picking up girls thing  was a hobby.


My job  was completely different.


You'll never guess  what that was.


- Marketing person?  - no.


- Door-to-Door salesman?  - Please.


Proctologist?


- You're never going to get it.  - I'm not going to try.


All right.  Let's make it a game.


I'll describe to you...


...my day at work, and you stop  me when you've guessed it.


[man on TV] The extreme weather  has hit sales hard this  Christmas.


Five inches of snow...


[woman thinking] That's going  to wreck my portfolio just when  I need it.


[sighs]


Don't know what  I'm going to do about that.


Oh, God, more messages.  I'll never clear this inbox.


Sorry.  Constant bloody admin.


Just time  for a little snack.


I can eat  before an operation?


Wonders of modern science.


Oh, thank God.  I'm starving.


[woman thinking]  That toast looks burnt.


Should I say something?


Yeah, I think  I'll say something.


All good?


To be honest, it's not quite how  I like it. It's a bit overdone.


Sorry.


I'll make some more.


Bet she hates me now.


How long  is this going to take?


Hi, I'm Madge.  I'm your anaesthetist today.


Hi.


[woman thinking] God, she's  young. Hope she's qualified.


OK, enough. Stop thinking about  things that could go wrong.


They said it's straightforward  and painless. I'm just going  to relax.


OK, Greta, just relax.  Here we go.


[Madge] Now, just count  backwards from ten.


Ten, nine,  eight, seven, six...


- ...five...  - [Greta thinking]  Five, four, three,


two, one.


Um, I can't...  I can't see.


Um, where am I?


- Uh, what's that noise?  - [drill whirring]


- [heart monitor beeping]  - Uh, why can't I see?!


[woman]  Preparing to extract cookie.


[Greta cookie] What?  No! Wait! I'm still awake!


Oh, my God!  Oh, my God! What's happening?


Excuse me? Oh, my God!'


That's me!


That's me!  Oh, my God! Where am I?


I don't know  what's happening!


I don't know  what's happening to me!


[sobbing]


Hello?


Is... is anyone there?


- [feedback]  - [Greta cookie] Ow!


Sorry.


[chuckles softly]


You're probably pretty weirded  out right now, I'm guessing.


It's OK, you can talk.  I can hear you through this.


- [Greta cookie] Hello?  - Hi.


I'm Matthew,  I'm from Smartelligence.


My job is to explain what's  happening to you as best I can.


- Oh, my God! Am I dead?  - No, no. You're not dead.


No one's dead here.


Um...


...how old did you say  you we're, uh, 30?


- Twenty-nine.  - Twenty-nine, Right.


Uh, so you won't remember  Xerox machines?


- do you know  What A photocopier is?  - What?


Do you know  what a copy is?


As in a copy of something?  Of course I know what that is.


Well, that's what you are.


A copy of...?


A copy of you.


- But I Am me.  - OK.


Try to blow on my face.


You can't,  because you don't have a body.


Where are your fingers?  Your arms, your face?


Nowhere. [chuckles]


Because you're code.


You're a simulated brain  full of code,


stored in this little widget  we call a cookie.


Why have you  done this to me?


Ah, well...  Actually you did this to you.


Uh, real you  is paying for this.


I don't understand.


You see,  what this is, is a service.


We take a blank cookie


and we surgically implant it  into a client's brain.


It sits there  just under the skin


for about a week, shadowing.


Um, soaking up the way  this particular mind works.


That's why you think you're you.  You are you.


Uh... but also not.


Right. Well, it is a lot  to process, even from inside  a processor.


- Put me back in my body!  - Hm.


Well, that's where  real you lives.


But... what we will do though  is we will give you a simulated  body.


We find that sometimes  that helps. Are you ready?


- What? I don't understand!  - Three, and two, one.


[gasps]


[continues gasping]


[Matthew] Hey.


Better?


This is my body.


Let's not get into that again.  Uh, look around you.


You've got a control room.


What's this for?


That console, that's for you  to control the house.


I mean, real you's house.


Look, um, how do you  like your toast?


- Wh... What?  - How do you like your toast?


- Underdone. Slightly Underdone.  - OK, perfect.


Think about  how you like it...


...then just  press the button.


- Which one?  - It doesn't matter.


You already know  you're making toast.


The buttons  are symbolic mostly anyway.


[button hums]


See, this is your job now.


You're in charge  of everything here.


Uh, the temperature,  the lighting,


what time the alarm clock  goes off in the morning.


If there's  no food in the refrigerator.


You...  You're in charge of ordering it.


- for who?  - for real you.


- She's paying.  - Where is real me?


Taking a nap.  In the bedroom. Top right.


[gasps]


I don't want to be in here.


I don't want to be in here!


- [toaster pops]  - [Matt] Hey.


Just how you like it.


- [screams]  - OK.


Please stop screaming.  Are you going to stop screaming?


Are you going to stop screaming?  No. OK.


[silence]


I'm sorry.  I had to mute you. It...


[no audio]


- Oh, sorry.  - [Greta cookie panting]


Look. It'll be much easier  if you just comply.


I'm not doing this.


I'm not some sort of  push-button toaster monkey.


- Would you prefer  to do nothing?  - Well, I'm not doing this!


Right. Well, nothing it is then.  Let me show you what that  is like.


Three weeks sound good?  That should give you a taste.


What do you mean,  three weeks?


If you just wait for a...  Just...


- What about now?  - [gasps]


Please. Don't do that again.


Please. There's nothing  to do here. There's nothing.  There's just...


I mean, there's nothing.


- I did warn you.  - I couldn't even sleep.


You don't need sleep.  Ready to go to work?


Oh, no, no. No, I'm not.  Definitely not doing that.


- OK. Well, have six months.  - No. Wait, wait!


[Matthew] See, the trick  of it lay in breaking them


without letting them snap  completely, if you get me.


Too much time in solitary  and they'd just wig out.


No use to anyone,  then you'd just sell them cheap


to the games industry,  they become


cannon fodder  for some war thing.


[Matthew continues eating toast]


- How are we feeling now?  - [gasps]


[panting] Please.


Give me something to do.


Ready to work?


Yes. Yes, please.


I'll do anything.


I'll do anything, just give me  something to do, please.


- [footsteps approaching]  - OK.


Great toast, by the way.


Hey.


Is it set up?


You are all set  and ready to go.


You know, as I was coming here,  I saw this guy with his shirt  off,


riding a horse  in the middle of the street.


- How weird.  - [chuckles] I swear to God.


[electronic hums and beeps]


[ Rossini:  "The Thieving Magpie"]


[computerized voice] Good  morning, Greta. Here are  today's appointments.


11am: hair with Stelios.


12.30: Lunch at Barney's  Brasserie with Annabel.


3pm: Jackanape Gallery  private view, Shoreditch.


6.30: Christmas drinks  with Paolo.


7.30: The Nutcracker,  Royal Opera House.


That's slavery.


- A little melodramatic,  isn't it?  - But she thought she was real.


- But she wasn't.  - It's barbaric.


It wasn't really real,  so it wasn't really barbaric.


Again, you are not  who I expected.


Most people would say,


"She's only made of code,  she's not real. Fuck her."


But you're empathetic.


- You care about people.  - Well, don't you?


You're a good man.


Am I?


Based on how you've reacted  to what I've said, yeah.


I can tell you're kind.


I'm not a good man.


A good man  who's done bad things?


You can tell me about it.


I've done stuff in my life  I'm not proud of.


I can't pretend I haven't.


Was it something to do  with your family?


Wife?


Girlfriend?


[chuckles]


It's just us here.


Her dad never liked me.


He never liked me.


Bloody cold, isn't it?  Come on.


Beth. Bethany.


[Beth] Dad, what now?


It gets dark about six.


- We won't be that long!  - Hold on. Let me put  my glove on.


I think he disapproves.


He's just protective.


He thinks  I'm not good enough for you.


Well, I mean,  he's got a point.


Let me take a photo of you.  Stand there.


Hang on.


I feel so awkward posing.


Come on. Be a supermodel.


- This awkward enough for you?  - It's perfect.


- Right. Ready? That's nice.   - [Beth laughs]


- Hold it there.  - [camera shutter clicks]


[both laugh]


You're such a dick.


[ Los Bravos:  "Black Is Black"]


[sings rock music karaoke]


[Beth whooping]


[woman laughs loudly]


[feedback on microphone]


We were good together, you know.  We were really good together.


[audience cheering]


Whoo!


[sings melancholy karaoke]


Yeah!


- [bottle clinking]  - Why are you all around there?


- No. No, we're going home.  Come on.  - Don't manhandle me.


I'm not going to get up  if you all touch me.


I'm not going to get up.  I'm not going to get up.


- It's cool. It's cool.  - [indistinct chattering]


Come on, Joe.  I'll get your jacket.


Cheers, mate.


Things weren't perfection.  These things never are, but...


...we were really happy.


[all laughing]


I'll let Gita   tell the story.


She loves boring people  with our personal details.


[laughter continues]


Oh, I'd been working there  for about a fortnight


when Beth introduced  the two of us, and ta-da!


- So it's all Beth's doing.  - She's the puppet-master.


What was her tip  for winning me over again?


Not to let you  hear me snore.


We all went on this work trip  once, before Gita's time,


I fell asleep on the coach back  and snored so loud


that they all thought there was  something wrong with me.


He snores like a bison.


- [Joe] Wow.  - [all laugh]


Really,  you're telling him that?


Oh, another one  bites the dust.


[dishes clattering]


I think she's more into him  than he's into her.


Don't you think?


Is that one finished?


- [Beth] Mmm-hmm.  - Yeah?


You all right?


- I'm tired.  - You've been a bit quiet.


Just wasn't in the mood,   you know?


I see them  all the time at work.


I think I'm going  to go to bed. Do you mind?


No, that's fine.


[whispers] Shit.


Beth?


- What?  - Is This yours?


I just found it in the bin.  That means pregnant.


Is it yours?


Yes.


[laughs]


I mean, that...


Christ.


That's amazing, I mean...  It's just...


Joe, I can't.


A baby,  a pregnancy... not now.


Not right now, I can't.


Of course you can. My God,  you'll be an amazing mum.


- No. I'm 27, I'm not ready.  - Who's ever ready?


It's not... it's just too quick,  OK? It's all too quick.


- We'll manage.  I'll surprise you.  - You're not listening.


- I can be responsible  when pushed.  - Joe.


You can put your feet up,  I'll do shoulder rubs,  paint the house.


- Joe, please.   - We'll be like a couple  in a DIY ad.


- Joe... I don't want it.  - We'll be like a family.


- But it's a baby.  - Joe.


- I mean, it's our baby.  - I know, and it's not  easy for me.


- Well, let's at least  discuss this.  - No. I've made up my mind.


Well, I haven't.


God, look at you.


You're pissed.


You drank all night, Beth.


You drank all night.


Jesus Christ, you're pregnant.


Yeah, well,  I don't want to be.


- And I'm not going to be.  - You're being a bitch.


- Stop it.  - You're being a cold bitch


- who would kill a kid.  - That's not fair.


Who'd get it torn out because  it doesn't suit her plans.


- Stop or I'll block you.  - Don't you dare.


No. We can talk tomorrow,  just please stop.


- Don't you fucking dare.  - [Beth panting]


[Joe] Turn it off!  Turn it off, you...!


[muffled shouting]


Listen to me, Beth!  Turn it off!


You turn it off!


Turn it off!


You turn it off, Beth!


Beth? Turn it off! Please!


Turn it off.


[keys rattling]


- [door opens]  - Beth?


Wait!  I'm sorry, I was pissed.


Can we just talk about  this properly, please?


I've said some really awful  shit. Beth, I love you.


Listen,  we can work this out.


Beth, please!


Beth!


That day, I didn't go to work.  I just stayed at home and...


...tried to work out  how to make amends.


But she just  didn't come back.


And thanks to the block,  I couldn't...


I couldn't message her.  I couldn't call her.


After a week,  I was pretty desperate.


So I just hung around outside  her work, like a stalker.


Tim! Gita!


Have you seen Beth?


Um, she left.


Left. What, like...?


Handed in her notice.


No one knows where she is.


[Gita] Joe?


- Joe!  - No, leave him.


I was still hopeful  that she would get in touch,


or at least remove the block  so that I could contact her.


But no.


When there's a block,  you can't even wallow properly.


You can't switch it off.


You can't take  the Zed-Eyes out.


And it doesn't just block them,  it blocks every image of them.


So every memory  I had of her was vandalised.


And then one day  I'm out in town and...


...it was her.


She was pregnant.


She'd kept it.


Well, I just sort of lost it.  I just ran over


and started pleading with her.  Just pleading.


[muffled]


Turn it off. Turn it off.  Just turn it off.


- Turn it off.  Beth, turn it off.  - Help. Get him off me!


Some passer-by  called the police.


They took me  down the station.


And that was that.


So, by now, the block's  got legal backing.


And there's a GPS so that if  I go within ten metres of her,


bang, I get arrested.


Harsh.


Yeah, and I've got no idea  where she is.


If... Whether she's had  the baby or not.


Whether it's a boy  or a girl.


If it's OK.


I've got absolutely no way  of getting in touch with her.


Except, um,  I knew where her dad lived.


So I write her a letter,  this begging letter.


Laying it all out, you know,  and, um, I get no response.


So I write again...


...and again...


...and again.


No response.


She cut you out good.


But there was one thing  I could do.


I knew she spent every Christmas  with him at his place,


so I knew that she would  definitely be there.


So, the day before,  Christmas Eve, I headed up.


And where her dad lived  was this isolated place  in the back of beyond.


I'd never been up there   without her.


It was weird being  on the outside.


I waited there all day.  Until...


Well, I had to take  a closer look.


You alright  to get those bags, Beth?


And there's her dad  with our baby, but I can't  even see its face because...


Legal blocks  cover offspring too.


Been there.


That hurts.


[Joe] I couldn't even tell  if it was a boy or a girl.


I know it sounds stupid...


...but seeing something...


...was better than nothing.


So I kept going back.


It became  an annual pilgrimage.


Once a year I'd head up there  and watch them from a distance.


Watching the kid grow up,  you know?


[muffled]


More than anything I just wanted  to make some sort of contact.


Anything.


So, one Christmas, kid must  have been about four by now,


I headed up there and I took  a little present with me.


Just a small, stupid thing.


For the first time,  I could see she was a girl.


I had a daughter.


So, Santa Claus...


...did you try it  again next year?


Something happened  before then.


It had been a few months since  I'd been up there to look  at my daughter.


I was just sat at home watching  TV, flipping through the  channels.


[man on TV] ...which claimed  the lives of 26 people


on a quiet Wednesday morning.


Passengers like Palab Ghatak,  just 18, on his way to his  first job interview,


like Bethany Grey, the young  mother who'd only recently  started...'


[pauses TV]


It had been so long since  I'd seen her, it was hard  to imagine


anything but that shadow  in her place.


But now that the block  had died with her...


...there she was.


She was gone.


[sobbing]


Sorry.


But there was, uh,  one silver lining...


...with the block gone.


You'd get  to see your daughter.


It was almost Christmas, so  I bought her this snow globe.


Just a present to give her.


And I headed up  to Beth's dad's.


And there she was.


Not a silhouette...


...but real.


Hello, darling.


[gasps]


[melancholy song plays]


[song fades]


What is it, May?  Would you like a drink?


[Christmas music on radio]


What are you doing here?


Beth's dead.


Do you understand?


She's dead.


There's nothing for you here.


Where's my daughter?


What daughter?


This is Beth's daughter.


I want to see my daughter.


May, go upstairs.


If this is about  those letters...


...I threw them out  before she saw them.


She was a mess, she'd had  to leave everything behind.


I think you should go.


Get out of this house.


You have no daughter here!


[shouts in pain]


- [clattering]  - [panting]


[exhales last breath]


[birds chirping]


It was that clock.


Then what happened?


Tell me.


[Joe] I just left.


I go out in the car  and I just drove.


Anywhere.  I don't know where.


I walked  into the nearest town


and I, um... I slept  on the streets and drank.


After a while, I don't know  how long, a couple of months,  they picked me up.


They wanted me to talk  but I couldn't talk...


...because if I said it,  it would be real.


So I didn't say anything,  I didn't tell them.


And what about the girl?


What happened to the girl?


[sniffling]


I only know what they said.


What did they say?


- What Did they say?  - What Is This place?


- What Did they say?  - What job do We do here?


- Our job. the job.  - Joe, stay with me.


What did they say, Joe?


That she just...  she just stayed in the house.


It was, um...


It was Christmas Eve,  so she just...


...she just stayed hidden.  She didn't move.


Then on Boxing Day she realised  that no one was going to help.


Then she, um, gave her grandad  a present that she'd made.


And she went out  to go and get help.


How far did she get?


May God forgive me.  God forgive me.


So you confess?


Joe?


Just say it.


Just let it out.


I confess. I confess.


[whimpering]


Whoo! I knew I could do it.


Boom! I told you I'd get it.


All right, I'm coming out.


Sorry, Joe.


[exhales deeply]


Well? That had to be enough.


Full confession.  Clear conviction.


Well done.


Two days we pressed him  and he said piss all,


this bastard cracks him  in 70 minutes.


He knows he's guilty,  he needed to unload.


It wasn't really 70 minutes,  not to him.


When he was first ingested,  I tweaked the time preferences,


made it seem like five years  from his perspective.


Some might say that five years  with me is punishment enough.


Wait here.


Mr Potter.


Congratulations  on your confession.


That cookie we took out  of your head just gave us  the full story.


So you can keep the silent act  up as long as you want.


Makes no difference,  you've already talked.


Also, Merry Christmas.


So... The deal?


Break a confession from him  and I go free, right?


I'm the expert,  you needed me.


That's one  for the Home Office.


We'll make good on the offer.  You're free to go, Mr Trent.


[relieved sigh]


[woman] With some caveats.


- Caveats?  - You'll be on the register.


What register?


The one  for Peeping Tom pervs.


All I did was help some lonely  guys by providing a service.


An illegal service.


You also failed  to report a murder,


fatal poisoning,  in case you've forgotten.


Kept that information from your  Cookie Monster mate, didn't you?


What does it mean,  this register?


- It means you're blocked.  - By who?


By everyone.


[choir singing Christmas hymn]


[indistinct chattering]


[man] Hot chestnuts!


[muffled chattering]


[anxious panting]


[ Wizzard: "I Wish It Could  Be Christmas Every Day"]


Hey, come on.


Just changing  the time settings.


Cranked him up  to 1,000 years a minute.


There's a proper sentence. Or do  you want me to switch him off?


No. Leave him   on for Christmas.


[music continues]


[screaming]


[glass cracks]


[birds chirping]


[panting]


[phone beeps]


[beeps]


-[man] Hey, Lacie!  -Hey! [giggles]


[camera clicks]


["send" alert plays]


[giggles]


[laughing hysterically]


[Lacie] Ryan?


[combat sounds on headset]


Ryan!


-[yells]  -[explosion on headset]


-I was holding a bomb!  -[man] Come on!


Sorry, guys.


Landlord is sending buyers over today  so... put your pants on.


Maybe if I don't,  it'll scare 'em off and we can stay here.


[singsong] Not an option, Ryan.  Lease is up in four weeks.


Hey, I'm thinking of you.  I've got somewhere to go.


Nate's roommate took a job in Phoenix  so I get his place.


-Okay.  -Now who's the slow poke?


I'm... seeing some places over lunch.  Catch you later.


[gunfire on headset]


Sorry, that was my sister.


Yeah. Yeah, I bet you'd love to.


[man] Jasmine tea?


[child giggles]


[phone beeps]


[man] And that's one Brushed Suede.


You want a cookie with that?


-It's on the house.  -Sounds awesome. [giggles]


-[Lacie giggles]  -[phone beeps]


-See you tomorrow, JJ.  -See you, Lacie.


[laughs]


[gasps] Oh, I saw your boy  in the fire hat just now! So cute!


-Yeah, he's really something.  -[laughs]


[chuckles softly]


[camera shutter clicks]


Hmm.


[phone beeps repeatedly]


[elevator bell dings]


Hey, Lacie!


-Bets, it's great to see you!  -You too.


[Lacie giggles]


[cat meows]


[Lacie] How's Pancakes?


He's hilarious.  Such a funny cat. Just the best.


[both laugh]


-Are you still at Hoddicker?  -Mm-hmm.


-Yeah. It's going pretty great.  -Good to hear.


-So what brings you back here?  -New job, first day.


-first day?  -at Blankman-Harper.


Whoa! Top floor! That's...


-Well, good luck.  -I know, right? [laughs]


It's great you're still happy  at Hoddicker.


-Well, maybe not forever.  -No, not forever.


-But for now...  -It's OK for now.


It's great for now, yes. Yes, it is.


[chattering]


[phone ringing]


[phone beeps]


[beeping]


[waves crashing, seagulls squawk]


Lacie, I got you a smoothie.


Got one for everyone, actually.  Still a bunch of them for grabs.


They're from the organic stall  at the farmers' market.


Sure. Okay.


[gasps]


Mmm!


Thank you. Thank you.


[whispers]  We're kind of not talking to Ches.


-3.1? What happened?  -Him and Gordon split up.


Oh...


-Poor Ches.  -No, no, no, we're all on Gordon's side.


Sure! Obviously.


Ches is kissing ass.  Trying to scrape himself back.


Of course, if it drops below two-five,  then it's... bye-bye.


[phone beeps]


[both gasp]


[phone beeping]


[ringtone chiming]


[Lacie] Hello?


-[Ryan] Yo, they're taking it.  -Who?


The couple the landlord sent over.  I heard them talking.


Okay.


So,  now we move into the light space area.


Ideal for special times with loved ones.


-Great food, great company.  -Mm-hmm!


-[phone beeps]  -Whoa! [laughs]


[woman]  Sampled your photo stream to make her.


Great hair!


[woman] Styled free of charge  at the members' salon.


Oh, my God. [giggles]


[Lacie] It's hilarious!


[woman] You like him?


-He's okay.  -He doesn't come with the apartment.


[both laugh]


But there is a bar and restaurant  on site, tenants only.


We have unparalleled metrics  on romantic geneses.


Uh-huh.


[woman] I gotta say,  these places are going like "that."


-So don't delay if you're interested.  -Oh, I'm more than interested.


Standard occupancy  on a minimum six-month contract,


we're talking... this much.


-How often are the payments?  -That's weekly.


-Okay.  -[woman laughs]


-a little more than expected?  -Yeah.


There's options.


You know our Prime Influencers Programme?


-Do I qualify for that?  -No. No, you don't.


We'd need you around a 4.5.


Hit 4.5 and there's a 20% discount.


-4.5.  -That's right.


[sighs]


[laughs]


[laughter]


[beeps]


[laughs softly]


Pelican Cove? What is this?  A eugenics programme?


-a lifestyle community.  -No one is this happy.


A two-year-old with a fucking balloon  isn't this happy.


It's actually a pretty cool place.


Like you'd even qualify.


There's nothing I can do, sir.


[man] Well, it's not hopeless,  you're clearly a tryer.


That's the sense you get just from... me?


From your rep report analytics.


If we drill down into the numbers,  you've got a solid popularity arc here.


Strong overall trajectory.  Let's just look at the last 24 hours.


You see, even--


What's that? 8:40 a.m.  You're working hard on your socials.


-Great little uptake there.  -Okay.


Couple of minor dings there.  You cut someone off in traffic?


Oh, just a workplace thing. [laughs]


Okay.  Let's check on your sphere of influence.


Let me zoom out here.


Great peripherals.  Strangers like you, that's a plus.


-Healthy inner circle. It's good.  -Thank you. [giggles]


There's a ways to go,  but 4.5 is certainly achievable.


How long do you think?


-To hit 4.5?  -Mm-hmm.


Well, barring a major setback,


a public disgrace kind of deal,  I'd say 18 months or so.


Oh, I need more short term.  Like... much more. [laughs]


Then you'll need a boost.


-what kind of a boost?  -Well...


Most of your interactions are confined   to your inner circle


and they're largely, pardon the term,  mid- to low-range folks.


Same with your outer circle.


You've got a ton of reciprocal five stars  from service industry workers,


but there's not much else.


At least as far as I can see.


So in terms of quality,  you could use a punch up right there.


Ideally,  that's up votes from quality people.


-Quality people?  -High fours.


Impress those up-scale folks,  you'll gain velocity on your arc


and there's your boost.


[phone beeps]


[panting]


-Oh, hi, JJ!  -Hey, Lacie!


-Keith! Hello.  -Lacie!


-[Keith] You look great today.  -Thank you!


-Door won't open. I'm on 2.4.  -Sorry, Ches. I'm late.


I just need some stars, please!


Fuck!


[elevator bell dings]


-Oh, hi!  -Hi!


-How's it going at Blankman?  -Just great.


-Well, I bet you work... good there.  -Thank you.


Would you like a croissant?


They gave me an extra at the coffee place.


-Oh, No, I already ate.  -Okay, sure. All good. Yes.


Yeah.


-[elevator bell dings]  -Well, here's me, so...


-[giggles]  -[phones beep]


Don't try too hard.  It's impossible to respect.


High fours can smell it a mile off.  Just be you.


Authentic gestures, that's the key.


-That's time up, I'll catch you later.  -Oh, could I just ask--


[phone chirps]


[beeping]


[camera clicks]


[chirps]


[mutters] ..."Mr. Rags."


[exhales]


[sighs]


[beeps]


[laughs]


[gasps]


Shit!


-what the fuck is that?  -Tapenade. Want some?


Who even are you?


It's just something I wanna eat, Ryan.


[phone beeps]


Oh, my God.


-What is it?  -Naomi!


Old school, el perfecto Naomi?  You guys keep in contact?


Ryan, just go! Go!


[Lacie] Oh, my God!  Nay-Nay, how are you? [giggles]


I was just fixing myself a snack.


Oh, Lace, could I just say  I am so happy to see your face?


-Me too. It's been...  -Too long.


-Way too long.  -And that's my fault.


-No, it's mine. Everything is just so...  -Everything's just so...


Crazy! Oh, it's so good to see you.


When you posted that Mr. Rags photo...


I know, Mr. Rags!


I just had to call


and talk to you because...


Whoo-hoo!


[screams, laughs]


Wow! That's a... big ring! [laughs]


Congratulations! Who's the, um... Paul?


He is great. So smart. Just sweet.


I know you're gonna love him.


Uh-huh.


So, anyways, the big day...


Yes, when is it?


So, we're getting married in a month


on his family's estate


up here on the island.


This place outside Port Mary, Honeysuckle.  You heard of it?


No, but...


Well, it's a private island.


[singsong] Take a looooook!


Oh, wow! That is... [giggles]


I know, right? So... can you make it?


Are you kidding? Of course.


Great, cool, cos I was wondering if...


Lace, do you think...


Would you be my maid of honour?


Seriously?


Oh, my God.


I mean, you've got such cool friends now.  Are you sure?


Remember when we used to plan our  dream weddings when we were, like, 11?


-I know but we haven't s--  -I don't know, just seeing Mr. Rags...


All the memories.  It just brought things home.


Oh, Nay-Nay.


I know we haven't kept in touch  as much as I'd have liked


and that is totally my fault,  but this is a big day.


A big life day and I want my oldest  friend with me, my oldest friend.


I want you by my side.


Oh, my God. Thank you.


What do I have to...


Not much to it. A speech, mainly.


Speech? Of course!


Mm-hmm. How big's the crowd?


Oh, my gosh, like... [sings] hundreds!


It's a crazy guest list. I'll send it now.


Paul's invited so many,  I don't want to call them big deals,


but they're all, like,  4.7 or above.


Uh-huh.


Nay-Nay, I will not let you down.  [giggles]


Don't sweat too much!  Just talk about old memories.


-sure.  -How we were, any old things.


-Gotcha.  -I'll ping you some anecdotes.


-That would be great.  -And what's your dress size?


Oh, um...


I'll tell you what,  I'll just send you a four.


-Perfect.  -we got matching bridesmaids dresses.


Well, anyway...


[both scream]


[both laugh]


Love you, Lay.


You too, Nay-Nay! [giggles]


Oh!


Bye.


[laughs nervously]


[beeping]


[sighs]


What was that? The F-word?


You two pussy pals now?


[sighs] Shut up.


-She was always mean to you.  -No, she wasn't.


-She had That rhyme about you.  -That was a game.


-what about when She cut your hair?  -I asked her to.


She fucked Greg.


She... did not fuck Greg. [laughs]


She looked hot. I'll give her that.


[man] Okay.


Impressive.


-Uh-huh. Jesus. Yeah, that'd do it.  -Mm-hmm.


[phone rings]


[woman] Pelican Cove.


Carole, it's Lacie. Saw the place yesterday.  I wanna take it.


That's fantastic!


Uh... Oh, I see you're still on a 4.2.  Is that, um...


Yep, I'm on it,  just gonna transfer the deposit now.


-Well, okay.  -Yes!


In this world,  we're all so caught up in our own heads.


It's easy to lose sight of what's real.  What matters.


But as I stand here today...


seeing the joy Paul has brought  to Naomi's life,


I know she's someone  who truly matters to me.


[laughs]


Nay-Nay,


the little girl who, when we were just  five-years-old in art camp,


started talking to me  because she saw I was scared.


The girl who helped me make Mr. Rags.  I still have him. [giggles]


He sits on my desk and...


every day, he reminds me of Nay-Nay.


What she meant to me then and now.


I am so honored to be here


and I wish you all the happiness  this stupid world can muster.


I love you, Nay-Nay.


Is the tear too much?


-You fucking sociopath.  -[phone beeps]


-Ryan, my car's here. Was it too much?  -What, the tear, the photo, Mr. Rags?


I do keep him on my desk.


There's sugary  and then there's fucking diabetes.


I just wanna make her happy  on her wedding day.


The captive audience of 4-point holies  five-starring your ass off,


that's just a bonus.


-Naomi and I were best friends.  -[laughing] Come on...


I wish her well  and wanna express it the best I can.


And, yeah, if I nail a speech  and get five-starred


by hundreds of primes, so what?  It's a win-win.


What are you hoping for? Like, 4.3, 4.4?


Unh-unh.  You get points from your gaming buddies.


It's the same thing.  Don't shit on me for aiming higher.


Pelican Cove higher?


What's wrong with Pelican Cove?  They're great apartments!


-They are fake-smile jail cells.  -[phone beeps]


Great. Car cancelled.


And he marked me down so now I have  to book another, and I took a ding.


-Great job.  -I am sorry, But I miss the normal you.


Before this obsession,  when we had conversations, remember?


I need my charger.


This whole ranking thing,  just comparing yourself to people who--


-Have you seen my charger?  -...only pretend to be happy.


I said don't borrow this!


High fours like Naomi,  I bet they're suicidal on the inside.


My car is here. Again.


Your Pelican Cove deposit,  is it refundable?


Like, what if this doesn't work?


-Can't you just stay out of my shit?  -You're my sister!


Yes! And if you cared about that,  maybe you would've noticed


living with you hasn't been  one big rainbow sandwich for me.


Do you know why  I never brought any guys back here?


Because I didn't want them  to know I was sharing a skanky-ass cave


with Mr. Three Point Fuck.


Good luck with your performance!


[door closes]


[door opens]


[grunts]


[phone beeps]


[door slams]


-[door rattles]  -[phone beeps]


-[horn honks]  -Oh, hi, hi! I'm coming. I'm coming.


-Jesus Christ!  -Oh, I'm so sorry.


That's great. Just great.


-[sighs]  -[horn honks]


Oh... Hi.


[ringtone chimes]


Nay-Nay! [giggles]


Hey, Lace! Just checking in.


I'm on my way to the airport right now.  [giggles]


Okay, cool, and you're all good  for the rehearsal dinner?


Oh, yeah. The flight's, what, an hour?  That restaurant looks so cool.


-Uh-huh. And you got the dress okay?  -Mm-hmm. In my case. [giggles]


-I love the pink.  -Uh-huh.


So the latest draft  of the speech is great.


Going handwritten's so cool.


Those scans of the page,  my God, I welled up just at that.


-Oh, thank you!  -Um... just one thought.


That whole bit where I help you  with the eating disorder thing...


-You think that's a little...  -A little over-sharing, yeah.


You're so right. It's gone.


Okay. Cool.  Well, I'll see you in a few hours!


I'm getting married tomorrow


[screams]


[laughs]


-And here's your tip. [giggles] Thank you.  -[phone beeps]


Oh, come on.


[woman on loudspeaker]   May I have your attention, please...


-hi there, How Are you doing?  -I am wonderful.


I am so sorry, that flight is cancelled.


-No. No, No, No.  -Customer incident at the other end.


But... So when is the next flight?


Yeah, they're all kind of full.


Uh... I booked this weeks ago.  It's my best friend's wedding.


-I'm sorry.  -I have to get there. I have to.


Okay-- let's see what we can do.


Thank you. Thank you so much.


I see there's one standby seat  on another plane leaving tonight.


-[sighs]   -Uh...


That's reserved for members  of our Prime Flight Programme.


You gotta be a 4.2 or over to qualify.


-Oh, I'm... I'm a 4.2.  -Uh-huh.


I'm afraid you're actually a 4.183.


Oh. Well, that's not my fault. Um...


Some woman dinged me down in the...  Can't you just--


I'm sorry, it won't let me book it  without the correct ranking.


-But it's so close.  -There's just nothing I can do.


-Christ, I mean, surely.  -I'm gonna have to ask you


to moderate your language there.


Sorry. It's just...


I'm maid of honour.  I cannot miss this wedding.


And I am so sorry about that.


-Can you call the supervisor?  -I cannot Do that.


-Can you just call the supervisor?  -I cannot Do that.


-Call the fucking supervisor!  -Okay, that's profanity.


-We're zero tolerance on profanity.  -I'm sorry. It's just--


-I Have To serve the next customer.  -No, No, No, No.


-Can you step away, ma'am?  -God, just fucking help me!


Ooh.


[phones beep]


I'm so sorry.


-I've called security.  -Oh, no, no, no. Please don't do that.


I'm, uh... five-starring you. Five stars.


-What's the issue here, Hannah?  -Intimidation and profanity.


-Oh, no, no. I was not intimidating.  -Don't speak, ma'am.


-I was just trying to--  -Ma'am.


Okay. So, in order to restore calm,


I'm invoking my authority  as airport security


to dock you one full ranking point  as a punitive measure.


-This is a temporary measure.  -[gasps] No!


-Your score reverts to normal in 24 hours.  -No, no, no. But I need it now.


During this period, all down votes  are subject to a times two multiplier.


Times two?


We recommend you avoid negative feedback  at this time.


I'm on double damage?


Please, remove yourself  from the airport immediately.


[phone beeps]


Okay, well, due to your ranking...


[chattering]


[baby crying]


Hi there. Chuck! Great name.


-Thank you.  -Hope you're having a great night.


-It's pretty good.  -So I need a car.


-you got a vehicle In mind?  -Anything, really.


Well, due to your current ranking,


you're restricted   to our super saver fleet.


-Yep. That's... Yeah.  -I-Cruiser 2?


They still have the 2?


[alarm beeps]


[beeping]


-[woman speaking driver alert in Czech]  -Oh, God.


[woman repeating driver alert in Czech]


[beep, wipers creaking]


-[music on TV]  -Oh, come on.


Uh...


[men speaking Czech on TV]


-[beeping]  -Damn it!


[laughs]


[sighs]


[Czech dialogue continues]


[engine sputters]


[engine starts]


The little girl, who when we were both  five years old in art camp,


[sobs] started talking to me  because she saw I was scared.


The girl who helped me make Mr. Rags...


Teardrop. Crowd goes wild.  You can do this.


-[ringtone plays]  -[woman speaking Czech]


-Sorry, okay, I swear I'm on my way.  -[Naomi] How far away are you?


Uh... Quite a ways. I missed my flight.


-What?  -Well, not missed It but...


So you're not gonna make  the rehearsal dinner?


-No.  -Lacie!


I am so sorry. It's been... [groans]


I got a rental car. I'm driving.


Driving? That's like nine hours.


I'm making good time,


gonna go through the night,  make a road trip out of it. [laughs]


Is everything okay?


I can find a replacement  if something's wrong.


No. No. No. I'll be there.  I swear on Mr. Rags.


Ha ha ha!


Okay, just drive safe!


-[girls squealing]  -You bet. I'll just--


[phone beeping]


[phone beeps]


Come on.


Please.


-[phone beeps]  -[sighs]


Okay.


[yawns]


[woman speaking Czech]


-What do you want?  -[woman speaking Czech]


[beeping]


-Oh, shit.  -[woman's speaking tempo slows]


Hi. Sorry.


[woman moaning]


Your charger doesn't fit my car.


-Don't see those around much these days.  -It's a rental.


Ours chargers are Q2Z, yours one's a K1.  They didn't give you an adapter?


No. Do you have one?


-not In here. Ask around.  -Thanks, anyway.


You're super helpful.


[phone beeps]


[gasps]


Two stars?!


Two stars?


Wasn't a meaningful encounter.


[Lacie] Sir, excuse me.


Excuse me, sorry.


Do you have a K1 adapter, by any chance?


Ma'am, how about you, a K1 adapter,  perhaps, in the trunk of your car?


Sure.


Great.


Oh, ma'am, hi. Do you have a K1 adapter?


I have a rental car. It's...


[grunting]


-Slow down. Let's give her a ride.   -[man] She's, like, 2.8.


Come on!


I didn't even do anything!


You look like you need a ride.


Um...


Actually, I'm okay.


Don't look it. Come on. I don't bite.


Blue thermos is coffee, red's whiskey.  Help yourself.


I'm okay. Thanks.


Where are you headed?


Uh... Just as close as you can get  to Port Mary would be great. [laughs]


Checking my feed for danger signs?


I get it a lot.  1.4 gotta be an antisocial maniac, right?


-you seem...  -Normal?


-Yeah.  -Thank you.


It took some effort.  What happened to you?


I mean, you're a 2.8,  but you don't look 2.8.


That's not-- This is temporary.


-I'm gonna turn it around.  -Uh-huh.


-I'm going to a wedding. Maid of honour.  -Nice.


Wanna hear my speech?


No.


So how come you're a 2.8?


Well, I got marked down  at the airport for yelling,


and they put me on double damage.


-How did It feel?  -Awful.


I meant the yelling.


I don't know. I was mad.


Look at where it got me.


But as long as I get to the wedding,  do the speech,


they'll overlook the 2.8.  I'm with the bride.


And if I do well,  well, they're all high fours


so that velocitates my arc.


And once they lift the point penalty,  well, my average goes way up,


and, yeah, it's gonna be okay.


God, you remind me of me.


-hmm.  -not now.


I was, uh... 4.6 once.


-4.6?  -Used to live for it.


All the work I put in...


Eight years ago,  Tom, my husband, got cancer.


It was pancreatic. It was a real bitch.  The symptoms showed up late.


I'm so sorry.


You don't know me  so you're not really sorry.


You're just mainly awkward  cos I have sprung some cancer talk at you.


Anyway, I five-starred every doctor,


every nurse, every high-four  consultant that we had.


Ding. Ding. Ding. Thank you so much.


The cancer didn't give a shit.  It just kept growing.


A couple of months in, we heard  about this experimental treatment.


It was very expensive. It was very exclusive.


I did everything I could  to get him a spot there.


Tom was a 4.3.


They gave his bed to a 4.4.


So when he died I thought, fuck it.


I started saying what I wanted,  when I wanted.


Just drop it out there.


People don't always like that.


It is incredible  how fast you slip off the ladder


when you start doing that.


It turned out a lot of my friends  didn't care for honesty.


Treated me like I had taken a shit  at their breakfast table.


But, Jesus Christ, it felt good.


Shedding those fuckers.


It was like taking off tight shoes.


-Maybe you should try it?  -Oh, come on. [laughs]


Why not?


I can't just kick off my shoes  and walk the earth or whatever.


-You won't know unless you try.  -Oh, that's just...


Look, you had something with your life,


real things, good things,  and you lost it all, and I'm sorry.


So now you've got nothing left to lose.


But I don't even have the something  worth losing, not yet.


You know,  I mean, I'm still fighting for that.


-And what is "that"?  -I don't know. Enough. To be content?


Like, to look around and think,  well, I guess I'm okay.


Just to be able to breathe out,  not feeling like... like...


Like just...  And that is way off, like, way, way off.


And until I get there,  I have to play the numbers game.


We all do, that's what we're in.  That's how the fucking world works.


Look, maybe you don't remember,  you know, you're just too old to get it.


I do not mean that how it sounds.


Don't worry. I'm not voting you down.


-Sweetheart.  -[gasps] What time is it?


I'm heading east from here so I think  you need to get yourself another ride.


-Where are we?  -About 30 miles from Port Mary.


A lot of buses stop here  so you should be fine.


-Well, Thank you.  -good luck with your speech.


[laughs]


I put a little something in there  for you.


-You did?  -Emergency escape hatch!


Bye.


[Lacie] In this world,  we're all so caught up...


-[door opens]  -...in our own dramas.


-[girl] So, Dad was like...  -It's easy to forget what matters.


[girl] He'd never even heard of the show.


I'm like, "You never heard  of Sea of Tranquillity?"


Like, the number-one sci-fi fantasy,


and he's all like, "What the fuck?" Whatever!


I think I'm allergic to this purple.


So I'm like, "Well, I'm going  to Tranquillity Con in Port Mary.