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You're lying. Truro? Jesus. |
I don't want you worrying. |
You never patronise me, don't start now. |
Whoever this is, is insane. |
And has a Princess. |
Who'll get through this. |
Not just any princess, The Princess, Princess bloody |
Facebook, bloody eco-conscious, national sweetheart. |
I won't have to do anything. |
Everyone's laughing at us. |
You don't know that. |
I know people. |
We love humiliation, we can't not laugh. |
Nothing is going to happen. |
It's already happening in their heads. |
In their heads, that's what you're doing, |
what my husband is doing. |
Just... |
Please? |
Jane. |
I love you. |
(Knock At Door) |
What? |
The palace on the phone, sir. |
Get Alex to stall them for a minute. |
She's already been speaking to her for ten minutes. |
Her? |
It's the queen herself. |
Go on. |
As the four pm deadline draws nearer and the world holds |
its breath waiting to discover whether Princess Susannah... |
Would they use a female pig? |
It's on the list. |
They list the rules at the end of the video, |
it specifies camera angles and things. |
Like Dogme 95. |
It's not like Dogme 95. |
Exactly like it. |
What's Dogme 95? |
Cinematic movement. |
Lars Von Trier. |
Oh. |
List of rules for the director, no background music, |
only natural light and so on. For authenticity. |
Same as these rules, so they can't cheat it, |
intercut another guy's arse pumping away. |
I mean I can't think of anything remotely like this. |
it's an entirely new form of terrorism, |
the point of which... |
If it's terrorism, it's not Islamist in nature |
to request a pig. It's specifically abhorrent... |
Well that's exactly the point, to make love to a pig. |
Make love? |
Steer them away from the grisly details. |
But we can't discount anything... |
Let's not dwell on any of the details. |
this is already a huge national talking point. |
isn't this precisely what whoever is behind this |
is looking for? |
(Alex) How's her majesty taking it? |
I trust you'll do everything in your power to get her back. |
That's what she said. |
And we are. |
It wasn't a collective you, it was a singular you, i.e. me. |
Sir, we may have something. |
Jamie's been tracing the video's origin. |
I thought it was untraceable. |
Technically yes, but so I thought, |
work with what we do know, and that video? |
Okay, before YouTube compression it was 57.3 meg... |
...algorithm, boring. |
Anyway, we also know it was uploaded at 3:16am, |
so I ran a nationwide trace back on uninterrupted |
one way uploads at precisely 57.3 meg in the minutes |
leading up to 3:16, |
and the closest I can get is a post code. |
But it came from somewhere in there. |
Looks like a campus. |
(Jamie) Yep, closed 2010 and it's been empty since. |
And the latest i-sat on this image on this area? |
(Jamie) Three am flyover shot from last night. |
Looks like it had lights on. |
We've got him. |
We've got him. |
Alert the local team, we'll head out now, |
full squad, I'll man it. |
With helmet cam relay. We can watch the operation. |
Press office, okay Tom? |
Yes! |
Right, confident? |
It's a bit of a kick bollocks scramble |
but with finessing, it should be okay. |
Well, finesse quickly, our performer's on his way. |
It's a new one for me, obviously, because it's illegal. |
I wouldn't normally, you know. |
Have you seen any of my films? |
No. |
Well I'm pretty trad, bish, bash, bosh, in and out. |
Yep, well what'd I put on the invoice? |
That's what I'm wondering? |