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George Carlin: It’s Bad For Ya (2008) Full transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-its-bad-for-ya/

Full transcript of It’s Bad for Ya, final HBO stand-up comedy special by stand-up comedian George Carlin. It was televised live on March 1, 2008 on HBO. Filmed in the Wells Fargo Center for the Arts in Santa Rosa, California Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’d like to begin… I’d like to… Thank you. Thank you. I’d like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. Fuck him and his balls and his bicycles and his steroids and his yellow shirts and the dumb, empty expression on his face. I’m tired of that asshole. And while you’re at it fuck Tiger Woods, too. There’s another jack-off I can do without. I’m tired of being told who to admire in this country. Aren’t you sick of being told who your heroes ought to be? You know? Being told who you ought to be looking up to. I’ll choose my own heroes, thank you very much. And fuck Dr. Phil, too. Dr. Phil said I should express my emotions, so that’s what I’m doing. Now, since the last time I rolled through these parts, and I do roll through with some frequency. I’m a little bit like herpes. I keep coming back. But since the last time, I might have seen some of you folks I have had my 70th birthday. So, I now… Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I’m now 70 years old, and I like 70. Not as much as I liked 69. Well, 69 was always my favorite number. Now, I figure I’m 69 with one finger up my ass. But now that I’m an old fuck, and that’s what I consider myself to be, an old fuck. Old fuck is a very special term. It’s not like old man. Old man is different. Old man isn’t really a time in your life or a period of years. It’s an attitude. Old man is a point of view. It’s a way of looking at things. Some guys are old men when they’re in their 20’s. You’ve met guys like that. They’re just wired like old men. Not me. Not an old man and not an old fart because an old fart is kind of (sound). What I am is an old fuck. It’s kind of like a fat fuck, you know what I mean? Fat fuck, tall fuck, skinny fuck, short fuck, old fuck. Who’s the old fuck? That’s Georgie. Georgie’s the old fuck. In this respect, fuck is actually a synonym for the word fellow. But now that I’m an old fuck, I’m beginning to notice there’s some advantages to putting on a few extra years. The first one is you never have to carry anything heavy ever again. Everybody wants to help an old fuck. If you’ve got a big suitcase or something like that, you know, you just kind of go like this a little bit. You say, “Yeah, could you help me with this?” Say, “Yeah. Hey, how far you going?” “Indianapolis.” He wants to help? Fuck him. Put him to work. Take advantage of people. Another nice thing about getting old is you can leave any social event early just by saying you’re tired. Works great with family members. Just turn to the person next to you and say, “Geez, I’m getting tired, you know.” Oh, are you tired? Come on. Grandpa’s tired. Grandpa’s going to bed. Someone else says, “But it’s 7:30 in the morning.” There’s always one asshole in the family. But the best thing about getting old is you’re not responsible for remembering things anymore, even important things. “But it was your daughter’s funeral.” I forgot. You can even make believe you have Alzheimer’s disease. Ah, it’s a lot of fun. You look around the dining room table and you say, “Who are you people, and where is my horse?” Then you stare at your eldest son and say, “Agnes, I haven’t seen you since first communion.” Fucks them up. Fucks them up. They don’t know how to handle it. It takes them a week to get over that shit. And they start listening to you a lot more carefully from then on. So don’t be afraid to get old. It’s a great time of life. You get to take advantage of people, and you’re not responsible for anything. You can even shit in your pants. They expect it. I haven’t tried that yet, but I don’t rule it out. I’m keeping my options open. Everything is on the table. Perhaps that’s not the figure of speech I wanted right there. So you know what I’ve been doing? Going through my address book and crossing out the dead people. You do that? That’s a lot of fun, isn’t it? It gives you a good feeling. Kind of gives you a feeling of power, a superiority to have outlasted another old friend. But you can’t do it too soon, you know? You can’t do it too soon. You can’t come running home from the funeral and get the book out, you know, and be looking through it. You can’t do that. A little time has to pass. You have to let a little time go by. I have a rule of thumb, six weeks. If you’re a friend of mine and you’re in my book and you die, I leave you alone for an extra six weeks. Six extra weeks in the book. On the house. It’s on me. But after that, hey, facts are facts. Fuck you. You’re dead. (Fart sound). Out you fucking go. You got to have standards, you know. Now, these days, a lot of people don’t keep analog address books anymore. They don’t want to be writing that stuff out longhand. They’re in the computer age. And they have an application in the computer called Outlook or Contacts or Address Book or something like that. So they keep all the information in the computer, and they sync it up with their phone every day or every other day. So now, instead of scratching out a name you get to delete the fuck. And deleting someone is an even more powerful feeling than simply scratching out a name. You know how to delete someone. You select a name, highlight the person and then poof, straight into the trash. Now, if it’s a really close friend of yours, you might not want to empty the trash for about six weeks. Or…or if it’s a little too harsh for you, a little too harsh to delete an old friend, you can always create a new folder, a special folder for dead people. You keep it on your desktop. It’s kind of a digital purgatory. And the nice thing is every now and then, you can open it up, and you can look inside. And you can see the people in purgatory. And you can move them all around, you know. Move them around. Put them in little groups. Two people who didn’t get along in life, put them in the corner; let them work it out. Let them work it out in purgatory. Or start a fight. Have a big fight in purgatory. That’s a lot of fun. Nobody’s going to get hurt. They’re all fucking dead anyway. Then, you put them in a big formation and have a parade, the purgatory parade of dead people. Ah, there’s a lot of fun you can have with a computer, so enjoy your digital selves. Now, speaking of dead people, there are things we say when someone dies, most of us say, a lot of us do, things we say that no one ever questions. They just kind of go unexamined. I’ll give you a couple of examples. After someone dies, the following conversation is bound to take place probably more than once. Two guys meet on the street. “Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died.” “Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday.” Yeah? Didn’t help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of your seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be responsible for Phil’s death. How do you live with yourself? Here’s another thing they say after a death. This is usually said to the surviving spouse. “Listen, if there’s anything I can do, anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask.” What are you going to do, a resurrection? This ain’t the fucking New Testament, you know. You know what you tell a guy like that who wants to help? Well fine, why don’t you come over this weekend? You can paint the garage. Bring your plunger. The upstairs toilet overflowed and there’s shit all over the floor up there. Do you drive a tractor? Good. That’ll come in handy. The north 40 needs a lot of attention. Bring your chainsaw and your pickaxe. We’re going to put your ass to work. He wants to help? Fuck him. Call his bluff. Call his bluff. “Don’t hesitate to ask.” The nerve of these pricks. Here’s another thing we say to the surviving spouse. “I’m keeping him in my thoughts.” Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between my ass hurt in this chair and let’s fuck the waitress? What are your priorities? We use a lot of euphemisms when we talk about death, you know. People say things like, “You know, I lost my father.” Ah, he’ll turn up. You’ve got to stay optimistic with people like that. Give them reason to hope. Have you checked the dumpster out back? He used to like to take a nap in there. Keep it upbeat. Now, there’s something else that is said after a death, but this one involves belief, which is where I begin to have big problems. This one happens after the funeral, after the burial, back at the house. Back at the house where the family and friends and the loved ones of the deceased are having some food and drink, and they’re enjoying some warm reminiscences of the person who passed away, sooner or later, someone is bound to say the following, especially after a few drinks. “You know, I think he’s up there now smiling down at us, and I think he’s pleased.” Now, first of all, there is no “up there” no, no for people to be smiling down from. It’s poetic. It’s quaint. And I guess for superstitious people, it provides a little comfort, but it doesn’t exist. But if it did, if it did, and if someone did somehow survive death in a non-physical form, I personally think he’d be far too busy with other celestial activities than to be standing around paradise smiling down on live people. What kind of fucking eternity is that? And why is it no one ever says, “I think he’s down there now, smiling up at us.” Apparently, it never occurs to people that their loved ones might be in hell. Your parents could be in hell right now. Your parents…your father for sure. Oh, shit. Hell is full of dads. Full of dads. Even the ones that took you to the ballgame, just for beating the shit out of you once too often and fucking the neighbor lady and fucking the neighbor dog, and who knows, maybe even fucking the UPS man. We’ll never know what mischief dad was up to. Parents in hell. It kind of gives you a nice feeling, doesn’t it? It does me. Grandparents in hell. Picture that. Picture your grandmother in hell baking pies without an oven. And if someone were in hell, I doubt very seriously he’d be smiling. I think he’s down there now screaming up at us, and I think he’s in severe pain. People just refuse to be realistic. They don’t like to be realistic. People would rather stroke themselves, you know. Oh, they like to stroke themselves, don’t they? Stroke themselves. They stroke each other. They get stroked. They stroke the boss. The boss strokes them. Everybody strokes everybody. It’s nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it’s one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job. Do you know? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting. And seated on a chair next to him the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America. It’s all bullshit folks. It’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for you. Now, speaking of dead people in heaven, there are some people who not only believe that their dead parents in heaven can see them. OK, OK. They honestly believe that their dead parents in heaven can help them. You’ve heard these people, I’m sure. They honestly somehow believe that their dead parents in heaven can intercede with God on their behalf to gain favors for the living. I come from a Catholic home. I heard this shit. They sit there in the chair with the fucking rosary, and they look at you like this, you know. And they said “Oh, my dad. My dad was looking out for me. He was looking out. I don’t know how he got me out of that jam, but he got me out. Oh, my mom…my mom was in surgery with me. She was in… I could feel her presence in there.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. Like the people who die have nothing better to do than run the heavenly branch of the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Now, if people want to believe this kind of stuff, it’s fine with me. Let them believe it. I don’t…I don’t…I don’t want to disabuse anyone of their beliefs. But I have a question about this, a question that involves logic. Let’s suppose it’s true. Let’s allow the proposition that somehow dead parents in heaven can help their living children. Fine. So we’ve got a family living on earth, a father and mother and four kids. A family of six. A good family. A nice family. Doing all the right things, having a good time, making all the right moves. And the parents go away on a weekend trip and get killed in an accident, and the children, of course, survive. So now, according to this theory, these two people go to heaven and they start helping their four living children, helping them with everything they need. Helping them with their science projects, with their SAT scores, helping them get a good school, get a nice job, get a promotion and a raise and someone to marry, and they all grow up. These four kids now grow up and have children of their own. And let’s say that all four of these now-grown children also die at the same time, just for the sake of argument. Let’s say there’s an explosion at Thanksgiving dinner, and these four die, but their children survive because they were seated at the children’s table. So… So now, according to the theory, these four go to heaven and they start helping their living children. But what happens to the original two? What happens to the grandparents? Do they just go off-duty now? What do they do? Is there a retirement program up there? Is there some activities for these people? Shuffleboard, pinball, online poker. There must be something they can do. Or do they have to remain on duty indefinitely? Do they have to keep on helping their living descendants forever and ever and ever? Is that what heaven is all about, helping the living? When do you get to just lie back on a cloud and take a fucking harp lesson, you know what I mean? Because… Because people have been dying… People have been dying for a long, long time. There’s been a lot of dead mother-fuckers. Did you know that? Yes, you knew there’s a lot of dead mother-fuckers. We’ve had 100 billion people live on this earth. That’s what the experts say. A hundred billion people have lived here. So let’s say half of them died and went to heaven. That’s 50 billion people up there. That’s a pretty crowded place. It must get pretty busy and pretty hectic up there. And God must get pretty pissed off with all these favors. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Spelling test Tuesday. Get the fuck out of here, would you, please? Just get the fuck out of here.” Well, even God can go on sensory overload. That’s why he wanted one day off a week. Christians gave him Sunday. Jews gave him Saturday. Muslims gave him Friday. God has a three-day weekend, which is probably just what he needs. Now, just a couple of other questions about this whole theory. Suppose you die without having any children. Who do you help, strangers? It would be nice. Suppose you’re an adopted child. Who helps you, your biological mother? She doesn’t even know where the fuck you live. Suppose you kill your parents. Would they help you? I’ll guarantee you Mr. and Mrs. Menendez are not helping those two boys. No. No. Yeah, it’s all bullshit folks, and it’s bad for you. It’s all bullshit. That’s what you have to remember as you go through life in this country. It’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for you. Now, speaking of parents and speaking of bullshit, two ideas which aren’t always mutually exclusive, by the way. I’d like to mention a special kind of bullshit that has taken hold in this country in the last 30 to 40 years. It’s a form of bullshit that really only can be called child worship. It’s child worship. It’s this excessive devotion to children. I’m talking about today’s professional parents, these obsessive diaper sniffers, who are over-scheduling and over-managing their children and robbing them of their childhoods. Even the simple act of playing, even the simple act of playing has been taken away from children and put on mommy’s schedule in the form of play dates. Something that should be spontaneous and free is now being rigidly planned. When does a kid ever get to sit in the yard with a stick anymore? You know, just sit there with a fucking stick. Do today’s kids even know what a stick is? You know. You sit in the yard with a fucking stick and you dig a fucking hole. You know. Yeah. And you look at the hole, and you look at the stick, and you have a little fun. But kids don’t have sticks anymore. I don’t think there are any sticks left. I think they’ve all been recalled because of lead paint. Who would have thought that one day the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China? But you know something, a kid shouldn’t be wasting his time with a stick anyway. If he’s 4 years old, he should be home studying for his kindergarten entrance exams. Do you know about that shit? Oh, they have them now. Yeah. Yeah. There are places that have kindergarten entrance exams. The poor little fuck. The poor little fuck, he can barely locate his dick, you know, and already he’s being pressured to succeed. Pressured to succeed for the sake of the parents. Isn’t this really just a sophisticated form of child abuse? And speaking of that, speaking of child abuse. Speaking of child abuse, next stop grade school. Grade school where he won’t be allowed to play tag because it encourages victimization. And he won’t be allowed to play dodge ball because it’s exclusionary, and it promotes aggression. Standing around is still OK. Standing around is still permitted, but it won’t be for long because sooner or later some kid is going to be standing around, and his foot will fall asleep, and his parents will sue the school, and it’ll be goodbye fucking standing around. Now… You know? Now fortunately, all is not lost. All is not lost because at least we know that when he does get to play, whatever games he is allowed to play, the child will never lose. We know he’ll never lose because in today’s America no child ever loses. There are no losers anymore. Everyone’s a winner, no matter what the game or sport or competition, everybody wins. Everybody wins. Everybody gets a trophy. No one is a loser. No child these days ever gets to hear those all-important character building words, “You lost, Bobby. You lost. You’re a loser, Bobby.” They miss out on that. You know what they tell a kid who lost these days? “You were the last winner.” A lot of these kids never get to hear the truth about themselves until they’re in their 20’s when the boss calls them in and says, “Bobby, clean the shit out of your desk and get the fuck out of here. You’re a loser. Get the fuck out of here.” Of course, Bobby’s parents can’t understand why he can’t hold a job. In school, he was always on the honor roll. Well, what they don’t understand, of course, is that in today’s schools, everyone is on the honor roll. Everyone is on the honor roll because in order to be on the honor roll, all you really need to do is to maintain a body temperature somewhere roughly in the 90’s. But we shouldn’t be worrying about how he’s doing in school because you know, come summertime, he’ll be off to camp. Yes, he’ll be off to camp, but not to swim and hike and play softball. No, no, no, no. Today’s child will be sent away to lose weight. He’ll be sent to fat camp or violin camp or ceramics camp or computer camp or leadership camp, whatever the fuck that is. Leadership camp. Isn’t that where Hitler went? You know, uh… Specialized, structured summer camps. Got to keep the little fucker busy, don’t they? Got to keep the little fucker busy. Wouldn’t want him to sneak in a little unstructured time in the woods. That wouldn’t be any good. God knows he might start jacking off. Now, all of this stupid bullshit that children have been so crippled by has grown out of something called the self-esteem movement. The self-esteem movement began in 1970, and I’m happy to say it has been a complete failure because studies have repeatedly shown that having high self-esteem does not improve grades, does not improve career achievement, it does not even lower the use of alcohol, and it most certainly does not reduce the incidence of violence of any sort because as it turns out, extremely aggressive, violent people think very highly of themselves. Imagine that, sociopath’s have high self-esteem. Who woulda thunk, huh? I love when this kind of thing happens. I love when these politically correct ideas crash and burn and wind up in the shithouse. Here’s another one that bit the dust. This practice of playing Mozart during pregnancy so the fetus can hear it. It was supposed to increase intelligence. It didn’t work. It didn’t work. All it did was sell a lot of CDs and piss off a whole lot of fetuses. The self-esteem movement revolved around a single notion, the idea, the single idea, that every child is special. Boy, they said it over and over and over, as if to convince themselves. Every child is special. And I kept saying fuck you. Every child is clearly not special. Did you ever look at one of them? Did you ever take a good close look at one of these fucking kids? They’re goofy. They’re fucking goofy looking. They’re too small, they’re way too fucking small. They’re malproportioned. Their heads don’t fit their bodies; their arms are too weird and everything. They can’t walk across the room in a straight line. And when they talk, they talk like they got a mouthful of shit. They’re incomplete, incomplete, unfinished work. I never give credit for incomplete work. Now, PT Barnum might think they’re special, but not me, I have standards. But let’s say it’s true. Let’s grant this. I’m in a generous mood. Let’s grant this proposition. Let’s say it’s true as somehow all…every child is special. What about every adult? Isn’t every adult special, too? And if not, if not then at what age do you go from being special to being not-so-special? And if every adult is special then that means we’re all special, and the whole idea loses all its fucking meaning. Here’s another platitude they jam down our throat: Children are our future. Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual flawless logic. Children can’t be our future because by the time the future arrives they won’t be children anymore, so blow me. Yes. As you may have noticed, I always like to present a carefully reasoned argument. Raising a child is not difficult. They try to make it into this mysterious, difficult task. Nothing to it. Easiest thing in the world to raise a kid if you follow the steps. First step, you take the kid and you put him out on the street corner, and you leave him there. You come back a week later. If the kid is still there, you’ve got yourself a stupid fucking kid. Then you just proceed from that point. It’s all bullshit, folks. It’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for you. Now, you wouldn’t know it from some of the things I’ve said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don’t like people for extended periods of time. I’m all right with them for a little while, but once you get up, passed around, minute, minute and a half, I’ve got to get the fuck out of there. And my reason for this, my reason is for one that you may share possibly. I have a very low tolerance level for stupid bullshit. That’s all. Stupid bullshit. You know? And everyone wants to tell you their stupid bullshit, and a lot of them don’t know when to stop talking. You ever run into that guy? Doesn’t know when to stop talking, just continues running at the mouth like verbal diarrhea. Don’t know when the conversation is over. Stupid, trivial shit you don’t care anything about, things you’re not even remotely interested in. “Did I tell you about my mom and dad? Well, my mom and dad went on vacation down to Mammoth Cave, Kentucky. This is about six years ago, I think. It seemed like it was six, about six years ago. Six or seven, possibly seven, could be. Yeah. Somewhere in there, six, seven, more than six, less than seven. Let’s call it six and a half. So my mom and dad went on vacation to Mammoth Cave, Kentucky, and my dad found a big rock. What he thought was a big rock turns out it was a dinosaur turd, a petrified dinosaur turd, 27 pounder. You know, now that I think of it, it might have been eight years ago. That would have been close to Y2K, wouldn’t it? Remember Y2K? Whatever happened? Everybody’s all worried about that. Nothing ever happened. Ha, ha, ha, big fuss. Nothing ever happened. You know? God. That was strange, you know.” “So let’s say, we’ll say, it’s eight…eight years. It was either eight or five. So my dad gave my mom this big turd. He says, ‘Here, Mom. This is a big dinosaur turd. Put it in your purse to take that home.’ My mom said, ‘Dad, I don’t think this is a dinosaur turd. This thing is still warm. Whoever dropped this thing is still walking around in here, and we’d better get the fuck out of this cave.’ Nine years ago. Nine. I know it was nine because my wife was pregnant with our first boy, Mach Moody Benel Sayid Ben Salam, and he’s ten now. Or is he? He’s 11. Maybe, he’s 11. He’s either 11 or 5.” And while all of this is going on, you’re searching through your mind for something graceful and diplomatic you can say to bring the conversation to a close, and all I can ever come up with is shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. But you can’t say that. Good manners don’t permit it. You have to find another way, and I go to body language. I try to use my body language to show that the conversation is over. I find myself leaning at a 45-degree angle trying to indicate the direction that I’d like to go if this person would just shut the fuck up. And then, I might even give him a verbal cue. “Surgery. Surgery. I’m late for surgery. I’m having my ears sewn shut.” You know. Yeah. Same people on the phone. Same people on the phone, don’t know when to hang up, don’t know when the conversation is over. Dumb, trivial shit. Dumb questions. “So what are you guys going to do five summers from now? We haven’t made any plans. Marge wants to go to the beach. The kids kind of like it at the lake, and I want to go to the mountains. Grandma wants to visit her sister in Frog Balls, Arkansas. How about you? Have you made any plans? It’s never too early to make plans. We’re going to Norway in 2025. Did you know that up until the 1950’s, Norway’s economy was based largely on fishing, but now, thanks to improved drilling techniques and the expansion of the global economy…” Once again, once again, searching through your mind for something gentle you can say. “Blow it out your ass,” comes to mind. Or shut your fucking pie-hole. Or if your friend prefers cake, shut your fucking cake-hole. But you can’t say these things, and you can’t use body language on the phone. Well, you could always amuse yourself, you know. Or if it’s your mother, you show your mother respect; you put her on speakerphone. But that doesn’t move the conversation along. You have to find another trick. And I go to tone of voice. Did you ever use your tone of voice to try to talk them into a soft landing? You try to coax the person toward the end. “Right. Good. OK. Good. All right then. Good. Great. OK. Good. OK, OK. All right. Oh, fuck, there he goes again. That cocksucker. “You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart, and her bush caught fire.” “Listen, listen, Reverend.” “Reverend, Reverend, I hate to be rude, but I just took a three and a half hour shit, and I’m bleeding from the asshole. Well, I don’t have any mercurochrome. Yes. Yeah, I’ll put a Snoopy band-aid on it. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. You do that for me. Yes, say a prayer for my asshole. Thank you very much.” You have to resort to these tactics because many people do not understand what a phone call should be or what a phone call is. Ideally, a phone call is the brief exchange of a few vital pieces of information. This is a phone call. “Hey, Steve, what time’s the circle jerk start tonight? Ten o’clock, OK. Listen, I’m going to be a little bit late. You’ll have to start without me. Oh, don’t worry. I’ll catch up. I’m eating a whole bunch of oysters and watching a horny movie. It’s called Tarzan Fucks a Zebra. Russell Crowe. Well, it’s kind of a fantasy. Right now, Renee Zellweger is blowing a unicorn.” That’s a phone call. It should not be a two and a half hour harangue of your third cousin describing her mailman’s liposuction. God, people are fucking boring. People are just fucking boring. You know what would be great for a guy like me? Just to be in a coma. Huh? Wouldn’t that be great? Nothing to do all day. You just crap out and breathe through a fucking tube. They feed you through a tube. There’s nothing to do. Whoa, you talk about being a couch potato, that’s it man. No phone calls coming in. Nobody dropping by unexpectedly. And if they do drop by, you’re completely unaware of it because you’re in a fucking coma, and you’re practically clinically dead. And you don’t have to listen to their stupid shit. Their stupid shit like about their new ride-around lawnmower with the two-tone horn and the GPS in case they get lost on the lawn. And their boss and their job and their car and their kids. Jesus fucking Christ, their kids. Folks, folks, nothing worse. Nothing worse than to be stuck somewhere with some married asshole and have to listen to him tell you about his fucking kids. Let me tell you something, folks. Nobody cares about your children, OK? No. We don’t care. We don’t care. Nobody cares about your children. I speak for everyone. I’ve been appointed by the rest of the group to inform you we don’t care about your children. That’s why they’re your children, so you can care about them, and we don’t have to bother. But they tell you anyway. “Todd is in the seventh grade now. He’s in the cheese club. Giselle is 5 and already she’s had nine periods. Johan is 11, and he pretty much sits around the house hallucinating all the time.” Then they want to show you the pictures. Here’s another ordeal. The pictures. These little gargoyles that they have loosed from their loins. A lot of these professional mommies, boy, they think there’s nothing better than having a baby. Oh, they think it’s the biggest thing in the world like it’s a big event, having a baby. I call it pumping out a unit. That’s all they’re doing. That’s all they’re doing. Pumping out a fucking unit. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Like some of them like assembly lines like a factory. Ba-ba-boom. Every fucking year, ba-ba-boom. “Hey, Jeff, want a kid?” Ba-ba-boom. “How about twins?” Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom. Polluting the earth. Polluting the earth with these creatures who have no future. They have no future. Have you pictured what this planet is going to be like in 40 to 50 years? It’s going to be a big smoking ball of shit, a big, smoking, flaming, stinking ball of gaseous shit. That’s what’s going to happen. That’s what’s going to happen. It’s irresponsible to have more than one child. Have one. Have one child, replacement value for yourself, that’s all. Don’t even replace your husband. Don’t replace your husband. No. He’s done enough fucking damage as it is. But they want to show you the pictures. Sometimes, they warn you, you know. That’s good. They say, “Hey, you want to see some pictures of my kid?” No, just describe them to me. But they show you, and there are two ways you can handle it, I have found two ways to handle the pictures. The first is the easy way. You just kind of take it all in stride, you matter-of-factly go along with the game. “Oh, uh-huh, boy. Hmm. Girl. Yeah. Older boy. Older girl. Good. Four. Listen, I have to go wash my crotch. I’ll see you later.” Then you get the fuck out of there. Or you can do what I do, you can do what I do, be a little honest about what you see. Take a chance. Tell the truth. “Look at the fucking head on that kid.” “Geez, where did he get a fucking head like that? That thing is huge. Have you put him on YouTube yet? Boy, you get a lot of hits with a head like that. Or put him on eBay. You might make a little money, you know. I’m sure some European circus would snap his ass up in a fucking minute, boy. Goddamn that thing is unusual. Listen, maybe he’ll grow into it. You never know with kids, huh. Hey, let me ask you a practical question. Where do you find hats for a kid like that?” Tell the truth. Don’t be bullshitting people. Don’t be bullshitting. There’s enough bullshit as it is, folks. There’s plenty of bullshit. Then they want to show you the pictures of the little girl whose second teeth are coming in, and they think it’s cute. It’s not. It’s fucking horrifying. Did you ever look at the teeth coming in on some of these kids? Did you ever take a good, close look actually in the mouth? Take a look and see different…damn, sometimes they got two, three rows of fucking teeth coming in there. All odd angles. There’s one under the tongue. That’s unusual, look at that, a sublingual tooth. What do you know? Once again, tell the truth. “You better start saving your money right now, pal. It’s going to cost you a fucking fortune to fix that. You’re going to need an international team of orthodontists around the clock just to make a dent. You might want to call FEMA. That looks like a real fucking problem to me. Look at that. You have the number to the National Guard? Give them a ring. That’s good. Listen, why don’t you just have them all pulled and let her start over again, you know? Or take a picture of her with her mouth closed. That would save you a lot of heartache in the long run. Listen, you’re not Catholic by any chance, are you? Well, the reason I ask is you might want to take her to Lewards and pray for a miracle over there.” Tell the truth. Don’t be bullshitting people. Like I say, there’s enough bullshit as it is. There’s enough bullshit as it is. In fact, there’s just enough, did you know that? There’s just enough bullshit to hold things together in this country. Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation. Where would we be without our safe, familiar, American bullshit. Land of the free. Home of the brave. The American dream. All men are equal. Justice is blind. The press is free. Your vote counts. Business is honest. The good guys win. The police are on your side. God is watching you. Your standard of living will never decline. And everything is going to be just fine. The official national bullshit story. I call it the American okeydoke. Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, but we believe them because they’re pounded into our heads from the time we’re children. That’s what they do with that kind of thing; pound it into the heads of kids because they know that children are much too young to be able to muster an intellectual defense against a sophisticated idea like that. And they know that up to a certain age, children believe everything their parents tell them, and as a result, they never learn to question things. Nobody questions things in this country anymore. Nobody questions anything. Everybody is too fat and happy. Everybody has got a cell phone that’ll make pancakes and rub their balls now. Way too fucking prosperous for our own good, way too fucking prosperous. Americans have been bought off in silence by toys and gizmos, and no one learns to question things. Do you remember…OK. Now, OK. You remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douche bag. You remember her? OK. Barbara Bush. She is the mother of Governor George Bush. I call him Governor Bush because that’s the only elected office he ever held legally in our country, OK? George Bush, Governor Bush. Yeah. I don’t care where they hang his portrait. I don’t care how big his library is. He’ll always be Governor Bush. I don’t even capitalize his name when I type it anymore. So she’s the mother of Governor George Bush. She’s also the wife of his father, George H. W. Bush who did become president in the normal, legal, traditional manner. And when he did, she came along for the ride as first lady, and that’s been the tradition up ’til now. A man has been elected and the woman has come along for the ride as the first lady. And usually, as in American life in general, the woman is condescended to, patronized, given something to do to keep her busy. A lot of times, they give her a charity or a cause, something she can champion. Betty Ford was told to drink. Remember that? Yeah, that was…that was Betty Ford’s assignment. “Betty, you get drunk and get totally falling down, fucked-up, shit-faced drunk, OK? You just get fucked up drunk, and we’ll hose you down, baby. We’ll hose you down. We’ll put you in a facility, you’ll get sober, and then we’ll put your name on the facility. Liza Minnelli can get sober, and everything is going to be OK. Right?” That was her assignment. Barbara Bush’s assignment was getting children to read. Remember that? Getting children to read. They figured she had had so much success with George that she would be a natural to get children to read, which misses the point completely. Not important to get children to read. Children who want to read are going to read. Kids who want to learn to read are going to learn to read. Much more important to teach children to question what they read. Children should be taught to question everything. To question everything they read, everything they hear. Children should be taught to question authority. Parents never teach their children to question authority because parents are authority figures themselves, and they don’t want to undermine their own bullshit inside the household. So, they stroke the kid and the kid strokes them, and they all stroke each other, and they all grow up all fucked up, and they come to shows like this. Kids have to be warned that there’s bullshit coming down the road. That’s the biggest thing you can do for a kid. Tell them what life in this country is about. It’s about a whole lot of bullshit that needs to be detected and avoided. That’s the best thing you can do. No one told me. No one told me a thing like that. I was never warned about any of this. I had to find all of it out for myself. And there are still, as with you probably, a lot of things that you’re expected to believe and accept in America that I personally have a problem with, and I question a lot of these things. I’ll give you an example. I saw a slogan on a guy’s car that said “Proud to be an American.” And I thought, well, what the fuck does that mean? Proud to be an American. You see, I’ve never understood national pride. I’ve never understood ethnic pride. Because I’m Irish, and all four of my grandparents were born in Ireland, so I’m fully Irish. And when I was a kid, I would go to the St. Patrick’s Day parade, and I noticed that they sold a button that said “Proud to be Irish.” And I could never understand that because I knew that on Columbus Day, they sold a different button that said “Proud to be Italian.” Then came black pride and Puerto Rican pride. And I could never understand ethnic or national pride because, to me, pride should be reserved for something you achieve or attain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish, being Irish isn’t a skill. It’s a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn’t say, “I’m proud to be 5’11”. I’m proud to have a predisposition for colon cancer. So, why the fuck would you be proud to be Irish or proud to be Italian or American or anything? Hey, if you’re happy with it, that’s fine. Do that. Put that on your car. “Happy to be an American.” Be happy. Don’t be proud. Too much pride as it is. Pride goeth before a fall. Never forget Proverbs, OK? Now, here’s another slogan. Here’s another slogan you run into all the time. “God bless America.” Once again, respectfully, I say to myself, “What the fuck does that mean?” God bless America. Is that a request? Is that a demand? Is that a suggestion? Politicians say it at the end of every speech as if it were some sort of verbal tick that they can’t get rid of. “God bless you and God bless America. God bless you and God bless America.” I guess they figure if they leave it out, someone is going to think they’re bad Americans. Let me tell you a little secret about God, folks. God doesn’t give a flying fuck about America, OK. He doesn’t care. He never cared about this country. He never has. He never will. He doesn’t care about this country any more than he cares about Mongolia, Transylvania, Pittsburgh, the Suez Canal or the North Pole. He simply doesn’t care, OK. He doesn’t care. Listen, good. There are 200 countries in the world now. Do these people honestly think that God is sitting around picking out his favorites? Why would he do that? Why would God have a favorite country? And why would it be America out of all the countries? Because we have the most money? Because he likes our National Anthem? Maybe, it’s because he heard we have 18 delicious flavors of classic Rice-A-Roni. It’s delusional thinking. It’s delusional thinking, and Americans are not alone with this sort of delusions. Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed, dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody is going to be disappointed. Somebody is wasting their fucking time. Could it be everyone? Now, now, if people want to say God bless America, that’s their business. I don’t care. But here’s what I don’t understand. If they say God bless America, presumably they believe in God, and if they do, they must have heard God loved everyone. That’s what he said. He loved everyone, and he loved them equally. So why would these people ask God to do something that went against his own teachings? You know what these God bless America people ought to do? They ought to check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about what would Jesus do, what would Jesus do. They don’t want to know so they can do it. They just want to know so they could tell other people to do it. Well, I’ll tell you what Jesus would have done. I’ll tell you what Jesus would have done. He would have got up on the top of the Empire State Building and said, “God bless everyone around the world, forever and ever, until the end of time.” That’s what Jesus would have done, and that’s what these people should do, or else they should admit that God bless America is really just some sort of an empty slogan with no real meaning except for something vague like good luck. Good luck, America. You’re on your own. Which is a little bit closer to the truth. Here’s a…here’s a civic custom that I don’t understand. Maybe, you can help me. Taking off your hat when a flag passes by or when some jack-off at the ballpark starts singing the National Anthem. They tell you to take off your hat. What the fuck does a hat have to do with being patriotic? What possible relationship exists between the uncovered head and a feeling that ought to live in your heart? Suppose you have a red, white and blue hat. Suppose you have a hat made out of a flag. Why would you take it off to honor the flag? Wouldn’t you leave it on and point it toward the flag? And what’s so bad about hats that you have to take them off? Why not take off your pants or your shoes? They tell you that at the airport. They say take off your shoes. They tell you it’s national security, so taking off your shoes could be patriotic, too. I started to question all of this stupid hat shit when I was a kid. When I was a kid I was a Catholic, at least until I reached the age of reason, OK. So, I was a Catholic… I was Catholic for about two, two and a half years, something like that. And during that time, one of the things they told us was that if a boy or a man went into a church, he had to remove his hat in order to honor the presence of God. But they had already told me that God was everywhere. So I used to wonder, well, if God is everywhere, why would you even own a hat? Why not show your respect, don’t even buy a fucking hat. And just to confuse things further, they told the women exactly the opposite. Catholic women and girls had to cover their heads when they went into church. Same as in certain temples. Jewish men have to cover their heads in those temples. In those same temples, Jewish women not allowed to cover their heads. So, try to figure this shit out. Catholic men and Jewish women, no hats. Catholic women and Jewish men, hats. Somebody’s got the whole thing totally fucking backward, don’t you think? And what is this religious fascination with headgear? Every religion has got a different fucking hat. Did you ever notice that? The Hindus have a turban. The Sikhs have a tall, white turban. Jews have yarmulke. The Muslims have a kufi. The Bishop has a pointy hat on one day and a round hat on another day. Cardinal has a red hat, Pope has a white. Everybody’s got a fucking hat. One group takes them off; the other group puts them on. Personally, I would never want to be a member of any group where you either have to wear a hat or you can’t wear a hat. I think… I think all religions should have one rule and one rule only: hats optional. That’s all you need to run a really good religion. Here’s another one of these civic customs. Swearing on the Bible. Do you understand that shit? They tell you to raise your right hand and place your left hand on the Bible. Does this stuff really matter which hand? Does God really give a fuck about details like this? Suppose you put your right hand on the Bible and you raise your left hand, would that count? Or would God say, “Sorry. Wrong hand. Try again.” And why does one hand have to be raised? What is the magic in this gesture? This seems like some sort of a primitive, voodoo, mojo shtick. Why not put your left hand on the Bible and let your right hand hang down by your side? It’s more natural. Or put it in your pocket. Remember what your mother used to say? Don’t put your hands in your pockets. Does she know something that we don’t know? Is this hand shit really important? Well, let’s get back to the Bible, America’s favorite national theatrical prop. Suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down or backward or both, and you swear to tell the truth on an upside down, backward Bible. Would that count? Suppose the Bible they hand you is an old Bible and half the pages are missing. Suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible in an American court, or a Braille Bible, and you’re not blind. Suppose they hand you an upside down, backward, Chinese, Braille Bible with half the pages missing? At what point does all of this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up? They fucking made it up, folks. It’s make-believe. It’s make-believe. Now, all right. OK. Let’s leave the Bible aside. We’ll get back to the science fiction reading later. The more important question is what is the big deal about swearing to God in the first place? Why does swearing to God mean you’re going to tell the truth? It wouldn’t affect me. If they said to me, “You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” I’d say yeah. I’ll tell you about as much truth as the people who wrote that fucking Bible. How do you like that, huh? Huh? Swearing on the Bible doesn’t mean anything. It’s kid…swearing to God is kid stuff. Remember when you were a kid? If you told another kid something he didn’t quite believe he’d say, “You swear to God?” I would always say, “Yeah, I swear to God, even if I was lying. Why not? What’s going to happen if I lie? Nothing. Nothing happens if you lie unless you get caught, and that’s a whole different story. Sometimes, that kid would think he was being slick with me and he’d say, “You swear on your mother’s grave?” I’d say, “Yeah, why not?” First of all, my mother was alive. She didn’t have a grave. Second of all, even if she was dead, what’s she going to do, rise from the grave and come and haunt me? Come and haunt me, all because I told a lie to an 8-year-old? Get fucking real, will you? Sometimes, I would say, “I swear on my mother’s tits.” Kids are impressed with things like that. I mean, I don’t care about my mother’s tits either. I didn’t care if they fell off. Fuck her. Not my problem. They’re your tits, ma. You keep an eye on them. Swearing to God doesn’t mean anything. Swearing on the Bible doesn’t mean anything. You know why? Because Bible or no Bible, God or no God, if it suits their purposes, people are going to lie in court. The police do it all the time, all the time. Yes, they do. It’s part of their job to protect, to serve and to commit perjury whenever it supports the state’s case. Swearing on the Bible is just one more way of controlling people and keeping them in line, and it’s one more thing that holds us back as a species. Here’s one more item for you, the last in our civics book: rights. Boy, everyone in this country is always running around, yammering about their fucking rights. I have a right. You have no right. We have a right. They don’t a have right. Folks, I hate to spoil your fun but there’s no such thing as rights, OK. They’re imaginary. We made them up, like the Boogie Man, the Three Little Pigs, Pinocchio, Mother Goose, shit like that. Rights are an idea. They’re just imaginary. They’re a cute idea. Cute but that’s all. Cute and fictional. But if you think you do have rights let me ask you this, where do they come from? People say, “Well, they come from God. They’re God-given rights.” Oh, fuck, here we go again. Here we go again. The God excuse. The last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument, “They came from God.” Anything we can’t describe must have come from God. Personally, folks, I believe that if your rights came from God, he would have given you the right to some food every day, and he would have given you the right to a roof over your head. God would have been looking out for you. God would have been looking out for you, you know that? He wouldn’t have been worrying about making sure you have a gun so you can get drunk on Sunday night and kill your girlfriend’s parents. But let’s say it’s true. Let’s say God gave us these rights. Why would he give us a certain number of rights? The Bill of Rights in this country has ten stipulations, OK? Ten rights. And apparently, God was doing sloppy work that week because we’ve had to amend the Bill of Rights an additional 17 times, so God forgot a couple of things like slavery. Just fucking slipped his mind. But let’s say God gave us the original ten. He gave the British 13. The British Bill of Rights has 13 stipulations. The Germans have 29. The Belgians have 25. The Swedish have only 6. And some people in the world have no rights at all. What kind of a fucking, goddamn, God-given deal is that? No rights at all? Why would God give different people in different countries different numbers of different rights? Boredom? Amusement? Bad arithmetic? Do we find out at long last after all this time that God is weak in math skills? Doesn’t sound like divine planning to me. Sounds more like human planning. Sounds more like one group trying to control another group. In other words, business as usual in America. Now, if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. Next time you’re at the computer, get on the internet. Go to Wikipedia. When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in Japanese Americans 1942, and you’ll find out all about your precious fucking rights, OK? All right. You know about it. You know about it. Yeah. In 1942, there were 110,000 Japanese-American citizens in good standing, law-abiding people, who were thrown into internment camps simply because their parents were born in the wrong country. That’s all they did wrong. They had no right to a lawyer, no right to a fair trial, no right to a jury of their peers, no right to due process of any kind. The only right they had? Right this way, into the internment camps. Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government took them away, and rights aren’t rights if someone can take them away. They’re privileges. That’s all we’ve ever had in this country is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year, the list gets shorter and shorter and shorter. You see how silly that is? Yeah. Sooner or later, the people in this country are going to realize the government does not give a fuck about them. The government doesn’t care about you or your children or your rights or your welfare or your safety. It simply doesn’t give a fuck about you. It’s interested in its own power. That’s the only thing keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights or we have no rights at all. Personally, I lean toward unlimited rights. I feel, for instance, I have the right to do anything I please. But if I do something you don’t like, I think you have the right to kill me. So where are you going to find a fairer fucking deal than that? So the next time some asshole says to you, “I have a right to my opinion, “you say, “Oh yeah? Well I have a right to my opinion, and my opinion is you have no right to your opinion.” Then shoot the fuck and walk away. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

GEORGE CARLIN: COMPLAINTS AND GRIEVANCES (2001) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-complaints-grievances/

Complaints and Grievances is a HBO stand-up special by comedian George Carlin. Its working title was I Kinda Like It When a Lot of People Die, but it was renamed following the September 11, 2001 attacks. It was recorded on November 17, 2001, at the Beacon Theater, New York City, New York. “The Opening” Thank you. I really appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Hey… hey… hey… You know… You know… you know something people don’t talk about in public any more, pussy farts. Anyway, once again for me it is HBO time. We’re back at the Beacon Theater – by the way – for the third time in a row. And I’d do as some of you know this is the 12th show. I’ve been doing them since 1977. It usually takes me about two. Two and a half years, and that means for the last couple of years I’ve been out floating around, bouncing around the cities and the towns in this country, and the theaters and concert halls. Working on my stuff. Probably been in your hometown a couple of times since the last time I saw you. Hey, you know me, if they got a zip code, I’ll fucking be there. Busy as a dyke in a hardware store. Did you ever notice up on a barn they got a weather vane up on a barn? And by the way I don’t do transitional material. You probably picked that up right away. I just kind of go right into the next thing and at this moment. We’re on barns. But you ever notice up there they got that weather vane. And usually it’s a rooster or a cock. It’s the same animal. Really you know. It’s just a different name. You know why they got a cock on the weather vane? Because if they had a cunt the wind would blow right through it. Well a lot of people don’t know that. That’s why I travel around so much. I’m here to entertain and inform. Reminds me of something my grandfather used to say to me. You know. He’d look at me and he’d say I’m going upstairs and fuck your grandma. He’s just a really honest man you know. He wasn’t going to bullshit a four-year-old. Now. Folks. Before we get too far along here tonight there’s something we got to talk about. Everybody knows what it is. It’s in the air. It’s in the city and naturally I’m talking about the events of September 11 and everything that’s happened since that time. And the reason we have to talk about it is otherwise. It’s like the elephant in the living room that nobody mentions. I mean yeah there it is. Sitting on the fucking couch and nobody says a word. It’s like if you’re at a formal garden party and you go over to the punchbowl and you notice floating around there’s a big turd and nobody says a word about it you know. Nobody says lovely party Jeffrey but there’s a turd in the punchbowl. So we got to talk about it. If nothing else just to get it out of our way so we can have a little fun here tonight because otherwise the terrorists win. Don’t you love that stuff? Yeah. That’s our latest mindless cliché. Go out and buy some jewelry and a new car otherwise the terrorists win. Those business assholes really know how to take advantage don’t they? So here’s what I’m thinking folks by now everybody’s supposed to know that when it comes to survival. Staying alive that you know you have to be you can’t be too picky and choosy about the company you’re going to keep. Sometimes you have to cooperate with some kind of unsavory people people you don’t like people you don’t trust people you don’t respect the kind of people you might not even invite into your own home. So for that reason. Tonight I’m announcing my intention to cooperate with the United States government. I’m even thinking of lending my support to Governor Bush. Good old Governor Bush. I’m hoping he does a good job. If he does may we might think of electing him President in 2004, okay? Now. The reason for my decision is a fairly simple one I mentioned it already survival okay. And in order to learn that Mother Nature yeah. Always took my cue from nature. I realized some time ago that I’m not separate from nature just because I have a primate brain an upper brain. Because underneath the primate brain there’s a mammalian brain. And beneath the mammalian brain there’s a reptilian brain. And it’s those two lower brains that made the upper brain possible in the first place. Here’s the way it works. The primate brain says give peace a chance. The mammalian brain says give peace a chance but first let’s kill this motherfucker. And the reptilian brains says let’s just kill the motherfucker. Go to the peace rally and get laid. Because the first obligation the first obligation of any organism is to survive. The second is to reproduce. Survival is more important than fucking. Pacifism is a nice idea. But it can get you killed. We’re not there yet folks evolution is slow. Smallpox is fast. Now the government has asked all of us to come up with suggestions and ideas that we might have to help them to fight terrorism. That will give you an idea of how much shit they have on the shelf. And like any good citizen I’m ready with my suggestions. Now. First of all. Overseas in Afghanistan I think you have to use the most powerful weapon you have in this case. Chemical warfare of a type never used before. And I’m talking about the flatulent airborne reaction team. F-A-R-T. Fart. Here’s what you do you take thousands of overweight male NFL football fans. Thousands of them. We’re going to start with a nucleus of Giants fans and Jets fans. Got to start with that nucleus. Now it might be necessary to include some Bills fans and Eagles fans too. This is war. You can’t be choosy. And I’m also thinking about getting some of those big fat cocksuckers who root for the teams in the NFC Central. Chicago Bears fans Green Bay Packer fans guys who eat a lot of bratwurst. And all these guys have to be over pounds. What you do is for days you put them on a diet of nothing but cheese cabbage and beer. That’s all they get for days. For many of these men this will not be a new diet. You fill them up with cheese and cabbage and beer and you drop them into Afghanistan where they commence chemical warfare of the highest order. You send three-man fart squads into every cave and tunnel in Afghanistan just send them in there. And then ya smoke them out. These good citizens will release horrendous deadly farts the kind of fart that could kill cancer. The kind of fart that comes in handy if you have something that needs welding. The kind of fart that if you let one go at home minutes later your plants are all yellow. The kind of fart that after two or three days you begin to realize there are no more birds in your neighborhood. A fart that would eat the stitching out of Levis. Can I get away with one more fart joke here? The kind of fart whereby the Centers for Disease Control declares your pants a level biohazard. That takes care of overseas. That’s overseas. On the domestic side. In this country and before I tell you my plan for the domestic side. I want to. Because it does come from a kind of New York frame of mind I want to mention my New York credentials. And they are as follows. I was born on this island. Manhattan island. Therefore I was born in New York City New York County and New York State. City county and state and besides that. And on top of that I was born at New York Hospital on East rd Street. But here’s the capper something you don’t know. You know where I was conceived? Rockaway beach. Rockaway that’s right in a hotel on Beach 116th Street called Curley’s Hotel, so if you hear or see anything later on about New York, you’ll know my credentials are in good order. Here’s what you do domestically. You take Don Imus’ advice. And you tell this Tommy Thompson and Tom Ridge good try nice going we’ll see you later and in charge of the whole domestic thing you put Rudolph Giuliani, an Italian from Brooklyn okay? Okay. Now. Let’s have a little fun here tonight. Let’s do the show that I was planning on right up till September 10. And it starts by me explaining to you me explaining to you that a lot of you know this already I don’t talk about myself very much in these shows you know it’s really not my style. But I had an incident in traffic recently that I think I ought to tell you about. And there are a couple of things about me you ought to know first. “Traffic Accidents: Keep Movin’!” I drive kind of recklessly I take a lot of chances. I never repair my vehicles. And I don’t believe in traffic laws. So I tend to have quite a high number of traffic accidents. And last week I either ran over a sheep or I ran over a small man wearing a sheepskin coat. And I don’t know. Because I didn’t stop. I do not stop when I have a traffic accident. Do you? No you can’t. Hey who has time? Not me I hit somebody I run somebody over I keep moving especially if I’ve injured someone. I do not get involved in that. I’m not a doctor. I’ve had no medical training. I’m just another guy out driving around looking for a little fun and I can’t be stopping for everything. Well let’s just look at it logically let’s be logical about it. If you do stop at the scene of the accident. All you do is add to the confusion. These people you ran over have enough troubles of their own without you stopping and making things worse. Leave these people alone. They’ve just been in a major traffic accident. The last thing they need is for you to stop and get out of your car and go over to the fire because by now it is a fire. And start bothering them with a lot of stupid questions. Are you hurt? Well. Of course. They’re hurt look at all the blood. You just ran over them in a ton and a half of steel. Of course they’re hurt leave these people alone. Haven’t you done enough? For once in your life do the decent thing don’t get involved. Well in the first place it’s none of your business, none of your business. The whole thing took place outside of your car. Legally speaking these people you ran over were not on your property at the time you ran them over. They were standing in the street that is city property you are not responsible. If they don’t like it let them sue the city. And besides. It happened back there. It’s over now. Stop living in the past. Do yourself a favor count your blessings. Be glad it wasn’t you and I’ll give you a practical reason not to stop. You need a practical reason? If you do stop sooner or later the police are going to show up. Is that what you want? Huh? Waste even more of your time standing around filling out forms answering a lot of foolish questions lying to the authorities? And by the way who are you to be taking up the valuable time of the police department. These men and women are professionals they’re supposed to be out fighting crimes. Stop interfering with police. And besides. Didn’t anyone else see this accident? Huh? Are you the only one who can provide information? Surely the people you ran over caught a glimpse of it at the last moment. So let them tell the police what happened. They were a lot closer to it than you were. There’s no sense having two conflicting stories floating around about the same dumb ass traffic accident. Things are bad enough people are dead families have been destroyed. Time to get moving. Now. On the other hand. If I should be out driving around looking for a little fun and I see an accident. One that I’m not involved in. I stop immediately. Well. I want to get a good look at what’s going on. I enjoy that sort of thing. Someone else is injured I want to take a look. I am Curious George. But people don’t like that. Police don’t like it. They say you’re rubber necking. They say you’re blocking traffic. Never mind that shit. I want to take a look. I’m never too busy that I can’t stop to enjoy someone else’s suffering. And I’ll tell you something else I’m a big fan of traffic accidents. You know my favorite accident? Two buses and a chicken truck get hit by a circus train in front of a flea market. Well. I want to see something interesting. I’m looking of a neck sticking out of a gas tank. If I’m going to take the time to stop I expect a couple of fucking laughs. And if my car should happen to be in such a position where I can’t quite see what’s going on can’t get a good enough look I’m not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. Pardon me. Officer. Would you fellows mind dragging that twisted looking chap over here a little closer to the car please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that sugar lips that’s his rib cage sticking out of the glove compartment. Thank you Officer that will be all now. You can throw him back on the pile. We’ll be moving along and off I go onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a tanker truck filled with human waste will explode in front of the Pokemon factory. I appreciate that yeah. Reminds me of something my third grade teacher said to us. She said you show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala. No. That wasn’t her. That was a guy I met in the Army. I always confuse those people. “You and Me (Things That Come Off of Your Body)” Now. Folks. This next piece of material’s going to give us a chance to bond. That’s what America’s been doing the last . years bonding. When they’re not networking or reaching out or making space for one another. You’ll find them bonding and we’re going to do that because this piece of material is about us. It’s about you and me you and me little things little things we all know common knowledge. In this case. Little things we all know about our bodies. Because everybody’s body is different but everybody’s body’s really quite the same. So there are a lot of little things about our bodies that we all know but we never talk about. That’s what interests me. These are practically universal experiences nobody mentions them. Some of them are disgusting. Some of them are appallingly revolting and degrading even to the most degenerate mind. So let’s get started with a couple of them. You ever get lip crud? You ever get that crud on your lip it’s kind of a sticky film kind of a gooey coating you know if it dries a little bit. It’s kind of a cruddy gummy flaky crusty shit kind of thing. Starts in the corner of your mouth, works its way on down your lip and if it’s really bad the corners of your mouth look like parenthesis. Did you ever have that? Lip crud. When you want to get rid of it it’s a real simple operation isn’t it? It’s low tech shit thumbnail. That’s all you need. Simple tool ain’t it? You just scrape that shit off. That’s all. You just scrape it on down scrape it on down. Hey never mind those people at the bus stop if they knew anything they wouldn’t be riding the bus. Fuck them. Fuck them in the mouth. Scrape it on down. Yeah you just kind of scrape that shit on down and you take it and you roll it up into a little ball. And then you save that son of a bitch. I save my lip crud. I save everything that comes off of my body don’t you? At least for a little while. Don’t you look at things when they first come off of you Huh? Aren’t you curious? Don’t you spend five or ten or minutes studying something trying to figure out what the fuck it is and what it’s doing on you in the first place? Sure you do. You don’t pull some disgusting looking growth off of your neck and throw it directly into the toilet. You want to know what the fuck it is. Besides you never know when you’re going to need parts. Isn’t that true? Did you ever see these guys on TV? They’re in the hospital. One guy’s waiting for a kidney another guy’s waiting for a lung. Fuck you I’ve got shit at home. I’ve got a freezer full of viable organs. I have two of everything ready to go. What do you need a spleen an esophagus? How about a nice used ball bag huh? Come on good condition. One owner. He only scratched that on Sundays. Come on and take a chance. It’s true. You want to know what something is. You don’t spend minutes peeling a malignant tumor off of your forehead just to toss it out the window sight unseen into the neighbor’s swimming pool. No. You take a good long fucking look at it don’t you? Holy shit look at this thing. God damn holy jumping fucking Jesus look at this. Honey look at this. Honey come here look at this. Honey yo. Hey yo honey yo. Hey fuck the Rice-a-Roni get in here. Look at this thing. Look this was a part of my head a minute ago. Not anymore I pried the bastard off with paint thinner and a Phillips head screwdriver. But look at it. Look at the colors in it. It’s green blue yellow orange brown tan Khaki beige bronze olive. Neutral. Black. Off black champagne gold Navajo white turquoise and band-aid color. Plus it’s exactly the same shape as Bosnia if you leave out the little section where the Croatians live. I’m not throwing this bastard away it might become a collectible. Dial up those dickheads on Ebay we’ll make some fucking money on this thing. Well I’ll tell you it’s just natural curiosity it’s just everyone has it. You’re curious. You’re curious about yourself. You’re curious about your body so you’re curious about little parts that come off of you. Toenail clippings are a good example. Toenail clippings and I’m even going to set the scene for you. You’re sitting on the bed at home one night and something really shitty comes on TV like a regularly scheduled prime time network program. You say well I’m not going to watch Raymond Blows the Milkman I’m going to clip my fucking toenails. So you start to clip your toenails and every time you clip one of them the clipping part flies far away. Did you ever notice that? Thoom. Thoom. Thooom. These things fly all over the bed. And when you’re finished clipping you have to gather them all back into a little pile don’t you? Yeah you can’t leave them on the bed. They make little holes in your legs. You don’t need that shit. You have to gather them all back into a little pile. Did you ever notice this? The bigger the pile gets the more pride you have in the pile. Look at this shit honey the biggest pile of toenail clippings we’ve had in this house since the day the Big Bopper died. Call the Museum of Natural History tell them we have a good idea for a diorama. And then you look for the largest toenail clipping of all the biggest one you can find and you bend it for a while don’t you? Yes yes yes you do. You bend it. You squeeze it you play with it. You have to you have to. Why? Because you can. Because it’s still lively and viable there’s moisture in it. It just came off of your body. It’s almost alive. Did you ever try to save your toenail clippings overnight huh? Did you ever put them in the ashtray try to save them till the morning? It’s no good they’re too dry. You can’t bend them in the morning. Fuck them. Throw them away. Who needs unbendable toenails. Not me. Bullshit fuck you up yours get laid. Eat shit drop dead jack me off suck this. I don’t need parts that badly I’m not that sick. I’m not that sick. Folks. Yes sir. That’s right. You got it. You got it. Little things. Little things that come off of you and your curiosity about them. Especially if it’s something you can’t see while it’s still on you. Know what I mean? You ever been picking your ass? You know just idly standing out in the driveway picking your ass and you come across an object. Honey come here. Want a couple of hits off of this while it’s still fresh? Let me ask you something. Did we eat at Kenny Rogers’ Restaurant again? Well. I don’t remember ordering anything that smelled like this. I believe this is a shit burger. It smells like a burger tastes like shit. Actually it smells like Ethel Merman. Call that Andrew Lloyd Webber fellow tell him we have a good idea for one of those fine shows he’s always putting on Broadway. Then give me the scrapbook this son of a bitch is going right next to that toe jam we found at the Gator Bowl. All because you couldn’t see it while it was still on you. Here’s something else you can’t see while it’s still on you little scab on the top of your head. Did you ever have that? Sure you have. A little scab. Top of your head. Not a big red blood scab that you get when someone at work. Hits you in the head with a fucking Stilson wrench. Just a little dry spot a little scaly spot. You find it one day by accident when you’re scratching your head. You come across it as if by good luck. Oh. Hot shit. A fucking scab. I love fucking scabs. This is going to be a lot of fun. I can’t wait to pick off my scab and look at it. Oh boy oh boy. Oh boy oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. I can’t wait to pick off my scab and put it down on a contrasting material such as a black velvet tablecloth in order to see it in greater relief. Oh boy oh boy I can’t wait to pick off my scab. This is going to be wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. It’s not going to come off yet. It’s immature. It’s still not ripe it’s not ready for plucking. I’ll save this for Thursday. Thursday will be a good day. I only have a half-day of work on Thursday. I’ll come home early. I’ll masturbate in the kitchen. And then I’ll watch the Montel Williams show. And then I’ll pick off my scab. Oh boy oh boy I can’t wait to pick off my scab. This is going to be a lot of fun. So you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait. And you try not to knock it off by accident with the little plastic comb you bought in the vending machine at the Easy Living Motel with the two skanky looking chicks who gave you the clap that night. And now Thursday arrives and it’s harvest time. Harvest time on your head. You come home early you masturbate but you do it in your sister’s bedroom just to give it a little extra thrill. You know what I mean? And then you watch the Montel Williams show. Pretty good topic women who take it up the ass for cents. Well. Not the best show he’s ever done. But you know something? Not bad. Either. Now it’s time to go get this little bastard but you want to go carefully. You want to pick this scab off evenly and carefully around the perimeter of the scab so that it lifts off all in one piece. You don’t want it to break into pieces. Who needs a fragmented scab Not me. Bullshit fuck you up yours get laid eat shit drop dead jack me off suck this I don’t need parts that badly I’m not that sick. What you really want what you really must have what you really need is a complete whole scab you can put down study look at makes notes on it. Perhaps write a series of penetrating articles for Scab Aficionado Magazine. Who knows you might rise to the top of the scab world in a big hurry it’s a small community and they need people at the top. I sense I’ve gone too far. So I quit while I’m ahead and I’ll change the subject. This is something I probably told you before I never fucked a . Never fucked a . But one night I fucked five. Twos. And I think that ought to count. Here’s something you never hear a man say Stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police. “People Who Oughta Be Killed: Self-Help Books” Now something else a lot of you are aware of. Those of you with illegal cable hook-ups will be aware of the fact that one of the things I like to do on my show is complain you know. It’s kind of a motif for me complaining. And of course. This weird culture we live in leaves you no shortage of things to complain about. So this next piece of material like some good ideas is fairly simple. It’s just a list of people who ought to be killed starting with these people who read self help books. Why do so many people need help? Life is not that complicated. You get up go to work you eat three meals you take one good shit and you go back to bed. What’s the fucking mystery? And the part I really don’t understand. If you’re looking for self-help why would you read a book written by somebody else? That’s not self-help that’s help. There’s no such thing as self help. If you did it yourself you didn’t need help. You did it yourself. Try to pay attention to the language we’ve all agreed on. And a similar. A similar mystery to me motivation books. “Motivation Seminars” Motivation seminars. Why would anyone need to be motivated by someone else? I say if you lack motivation. A seminar isn’t going to help you. What you really need is to be smashed in the head or times with a golf club. That’ll fucking motivate you. Or else it’ll at least get you up and moving around the room you know locate your socks shit like that. Get the day rolling. Motivation is bullshit. If you ask me this country could use a little less motivation. The people who are motivated are the ones who were causing all the trouble. Stock swindlers. Serial killers. Child molesters, Christian conservatives. These people are highly motivated, highly motivated. And anyway I think motivation is overrated. You show me some lazy prick who’s lying around all day watching game shows and stroking his penis and I’ll show you someone who’s not causing any fucking trouble. “Parents of Honor Students” Here’s another pack of low-grade morons who ought to be locked into portable toilets and set on fire. These people with bumper stickers that say we are the proud parents of an honor student at Franklin School. Or the Midvale Academy or whatever other innocent sounding name has been assigned to the indoctrination center where their child has been sent to be stripped of his individuality and turned into an obedient soul, dead conformist member of the American consumer culture. Proud parents what kind of empty people need to validate themselves through the achievements of their children? How would you like to have to live with a couple of these misfits? How’s that science project coming along Justin? Fuck you dad. You simple-minded prick. Mind your own business and pass the Cheerios. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see. We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. Or we are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teacher’s attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. Just be a nice little for a change. Here’s something realistic. We have a daughter in public school who hasn’t been knocked up yet. We have a son in public school who hasn’t shot any of his classmates yet. But he does sell drugs to your honor student. Plus, he knocked up your daughter. Then there are the people who aren’t too proud of their children. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nitwit who at the age of not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus. Something like that on the back of the car might give the child a little more incentive you know, get him to try a little harder next semester. “Baby Slings” Here are some more parents who ought to be beaten with heavy clubs and left bleeding in the moonlight. These are the ones who carry their babies around in these backpacks or front packs or slings or whatever these devices are called. That are apparently designed to leave the parents’ hands free to sort through high end merchandise and reach for their platinum credit cards. Because it’s always these upscale, yuppie looking Greenpeace environmentally conscious assholes who have them on. I say hey Mr. And Mrs. Natural Fibers. I say hey Mr. And Mrs. Natural Fibers. It’s not camping equipment it’s a baby. Touch the little prick now and then. He’ll thank you for it someday. These are the same people who sort their garbage jog with their dogs and listen to Steely Dan. You just like to take them out deep in the forest and disembowel them with a wooden cooking spoon. “My Daddy” Here are some more people who ought to be smashed across the face repeatedly with a piece of heavy mining equipment These grown men, grown men who refer to their fathers as my daddy. You know yeah. You hear a lot of this stupid shit in the South these rebel assholes. My daddy my daddy my daddy. Well you know what my daddy used to say. My daddy used to say blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Oh. He did. Did he? Well. Wasn’t that fucking enlightening. My daddy used to say fuck your daddy. Fuck your daddy in his wrinkled. Rusted rural country asshole. Grow up Billy Joe Carl Bob Danny Frank, you’re not six any more. More like 9. “Telephone Mimes” Here’s another unfortunate pack of mutants who ought to be penciled in for a sudden visit from the angel of death these guys these guys who can’t tell you about a phone call they had without giving you this shit the fucking pinky and the thumb. Like they attended Mime college, studied under Marcel Marceau. So I call her up you know and I’m talking to her. And she fucking hangs up on me so I hang up on her. And she calls me back. I fucking hang up again. I say hey Bruno thanks for the visual aid. But we all understand the concept of the telephone. You hold it in your hand you talk into it. Excuse me. Bruno. Incoming call. Oh hey it’s for you. “Hands-Free Telephone Headsets” Here’s another bunch of puss-headed telephone cretins. These self-important techno dicks who walk around with these hands free telephone headsets and ear pieces. Mr. Self Important doesn’t want to be too far from the phone in case Henry Kissinger calls. He’s got the Dalai Lama on line 2. I say hey Spaceman as long as your hands are free. Reach over here and fondle my balls would you please? “Answering Machines” And answering machines starting with these people who think it’s cute to let their children record the outgoing message you know? And you can’t understand a word of it. Because the kid’s a fucking imbecile. Hi my name is Stacey I’m 5 years old, my mommy and daddy aren’t home but I’m galalgablallamabla. Beep. Here’s my message Stacey. I’m coming over to your house with a big knife. And I’m going to kill mommy and daddy. Then I’m going to peel off their skin and make a funny hat. After that I’m going to take out my huge ding dong and stick it right in your dooooooo. “Family Newsletters” These are the same parents who at Christmas time send you pictures of their children. Pictures you didn’t ask for and you don’t want. But it is fun throwing the pictures away isn’t it? I don’t even look at the fucking Christmas card. Who’s this? Luanne is this year. Fuck Luanne. I give a shit how old she is. Does she have any tits yet? Send me a picture of Luanne’s tits. Then I know I’m going to have a happy New Year too. Then just to compound your holiday pleasure, they enclose a family newsletter. Just what you’re hoping for, news about people you can barely fucking remember. We’re so proud of Brad he’s been accepted into dental school. Yeah in the Philippines after four tries. Fuck Brad and everybody who looks like Brad. Judging from his picture I think he’s jerking off too much. Keep him away from Luanne. “Music on Answering Machines” Here’s another bunch of genetic defectives who have been turned loose on answering machines. These guys who cannot resist the urge to put music on their outgoing message. You know some guy spends $8 in Radio Shack and suddenly he’s a fucking record producer. And because he’s busy in the basement jacking off his dog I have to listen to substandard music. And it’s always rotten music you know. It’s either new age that pointless meandering zombie noise played by pseudo spiritual lunatics who think wind chimes are a musical instrument. Or else it’s soft rock. Soft rock. That lame ass weak non threatening suburban white boy junk played by bands like Men Without Testicles. Oh. And folks. On these answering machines do me a favor. Would you please. When you record your outgoing message don’t bother telling me you can’t come to the phone. I understand that. Apparently that’s why we have these machines. And don’t tell me leave my name and number somehow. I figured that out. And if you work in an office. Never mind that stuff. I’m away from my desk. If you had to take a shit say so. Just say hi this is Mary Louise I had the Mexican Jalapeno bean chile dip and I washed it down with a gallon of gin. I’ll be in and out all day. “People Who Wear Visors” There are some more people who ought to be strapped into chairs and beaten with hammers. People who wear visors. Let me ask you something. What the fuck is the point in wearing half a hat? Either get a hat or don’t. No one’s interested in the top of your head. Go back to the store and tell them to give you the rest of the hat. They cheated you. Better still. Get yourself one of them little Jewish hats and sew it to your visor. Then you got yourself a full-fledged fucking hat my friend. “Singers with One Name” Here are some more musical vermin whose mothers we wish had medical plans that included abortion. These singers, these singers who think they’re so special they only need one name: Bono, Sting, Jewel, Tiffany, Prince. What a crock of shit. Get a fucking last name would you please. I got a nice two-word name for you: pretentious cocksucker. How do you like that? Bono, Sting. It’s not bad enough the music sucks. But with no last name. You can’t find out where they live to throw a fucking bomb through their window. It’s frustrating. “Rich Guys in Hot Air Balloons” Here are some more people who deserve an inoperable tumor at the base of their spines. These guys who fly around the world in a fucking balloon. You know. What is this 1850? Get a fucking airline ticket will you please? When is the media going to realize no one’s interested in some rich trouser stain who’s so bored he’s got to fly around in a balloon all day. I hope the next guy gets hit by lightning. And flies around in little fart circles. And lands in a sewage treatment pond and sinks with the rest of the turds. Mr. Lighter than Air. “People Who Misuse Credit Cards” Here is another pack of jackoffs who ought to be strangled in front of their children. People who pay for inexpensive items with a credit card. You know. Folks. Take my word for this Raisinettes is not a major purchase. Get some fucking cash together. No one should be paying a bank percent interest on Tic Tacs. And you’re holding up the fucking line too some dorky looking prick with a fanny pack waiting to be approved for a bag of Cheese Doodles. I need this like I need an infected scrotum. Get some fucking money. Next guy ahead of me online pays for Newsweek with a credit card is getting stabbed in the eyes. “Guys Named Todd” And I’m getting really sick of guys named Todd. You know it’s just a goofy fucking name okay. Hi what’s your name? Todd. I’m Todd. And this is Blake. And Blair and Blane and Brent. Where are all these goofy fucking boys’ names coming from? Taylor, Tyler, Jordan, Flynn. These are not real names. Do you want to hear a real name? Eddie. Eddie is a real name. Whatever happened to Eddie? He was here a minute ago. Joey and Jackie and Johnnie and Phil. Bobbie and Tommy and Danny and Bill, what happened? Todd. And Cody and Dylan and Cameron and Tucker. Hi. Tucker. I’m Todd. Hi. Todd. I’m Tucker. Fuck Tucker. Tucker sucks. And fuck Tucker’s friend Kyle. There’s another soft name for a boy Kyle. Soft names make soft people. I’ll bet you anything that ten times out of ten Nicky, Vinnie and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker. Thank you very much. “Gun Enthusiasts” Here are some more people with missing chromosomes who ought to be thrown screaming from a helicopter. Gun enthusiasts, you know? I’m a gun enthusiast. Oh yeah well I’m a blowjob enthusiast. Want to see me shoot? Cock this. And I’ll discharge a load for you. And I’m not against guns. I’m not one of those mindless Hollywood cocksuckers. I’m not against guns, I’m not against bullets, I’m not even against people shooting each other. Shit shooting somebody is part of the American dream. I don’t care who it is. Parents, teachers, kids… fuck them. Let them get shot. Doesn’t bother me. But speaking of mindless Hollywood cocksuckers, before Charlton Heston became President of these dickless lunatics in the NRA, they had a different guy. He’s still one of their major spokesmen. His name is Wayne La Pierre. What kind of a name for a gun nut is Wayne La Pierre? Doesn’t it sound a little fruity to you? Hi, I’m Wayne, I’m a gun person. Bang-bang. You know what this prick’s name ought to be? Biff Webster. Spud Crowley, a man’s name. Chuck Steak. “White Guys Who Shave Their Heads” Here are some more men who ought to be strapped to a gurney and castrated with fishing knives. White guys who shave their heads completely bald. They’re so ashamed they lost 11 hairs they’re going to try to turn into some kind of masculine statement. I say hey you goofy looking baldy headed fuck, looks good on black guys, on you it’s ugly, repulsive and disgusting. You want to be bald. Do what I did. Wait a while. Meantime, there’s no excuse for running around looking like a freshly circumcised dick. “NASA-Holes” And just to wind up this little group of complaints finally this is a group of social criminals. These people in the space program. Nassholes. I call them. In case you haven’t heard. The latest disaster for the rest of the universe is that the United States is going to go to Mars. Okay, aw yeah. We’re going to go to Mars. And then of course. We’re going to colonize deep space with our microwave hot dogs and plastic vomit fake dog shit and cinnamon dental floss and lemon scented toilet paper and sneakers with lights in the heels and all these other impressive things we’ve done down here. Let me ask you this, let me ask you this. What are we going to tell the intergalactic council of ministers the first time one of our teenage mothers throws her newborn baby into a dumpster huh? How we going to explain that to the space people? How we going to let them know that our Ambassador was only late for the meeting because his breakfast was cold and he had to spend half an hour punching his wife around in the kitchen. What are they going to think when they find out – it’s just a local custom – that over 80 million women in the third world have had their clitorises forcibly removed in order to reduce their sexual pleasure so they won’t cheat on their husbands. Can’t you just sense how eager the rest of the universe is for us to show up? Can’t you see them out there? “Why We Don’t Need 10 Commandments” Folks here’s something else I got a problem with, the Ten Commandments. Here’s my problem. Why are there ten? You don’t need ten. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It’s a padded list. Here’s what they did. About 5000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people, how to keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told so they announced that God had given them some commandments. Up on a mountain, when no one was around. God had given them the Ten Commandments. But let me ask you this. When they were sitting around making this shit up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not 9 or 11? I’ll tell you why because sounds official. 10 sounds important. They knew if it was people wouldn’t take it seriously. Say, what, are you kidding me, the 11 commandments? Get the fuck out of here. But 10. 10 sounds important. 10 is the basis for the decimal system. It’s a decade. It’s a psychologically satisfying number, the top 10, the 10 most wanted, the best 10 dressed. So having Commandments was really a marketing decision. And to me it’s clearly a bullshit list. It’s a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I’m going to show you how you could reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that’s a little more workable and logical. I’m going to start with the first three. And I’ll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was taught as a little boy. I am the Lord thy God thou shalt not have strange gods before me. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Thou shalt keep Holy the Sabbath. Right off the bat, the first three. Pure bullshit. Sabbath day Lord’s name. Strange gods. Spooky language. Spooky language, designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st Century. You throw out the first three commandments. You’re down to 7. Next, honor thy father and mother. Obedience. Respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be automatic. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents’ performance parent’s performance. Some parents deserve respect, most of them don’t period. You’re down to six. Now, in the interest of logic – something religion is very uncomfortable with – we’re going to jump around the list a little bit. Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not bear false witness. Stealing and lying. Well actually these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior. Dishonesty stealing and lying. So you don’t need two of them. Instead you combine them and you call it thou shalt not be dishonest. And suddenly you’re down to five. And as long as we’re combining I have two others that belong together thou shalt not commit adultery thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife. Once again these two prohibit the same kind of behavior. In this case, marital infidelity. The difference is. Coveting takes place in the mind and I don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife. Otherwise what’s a guy going to think about when he’s waxing his carrot? But marital fidelity is a good idea so we’re going to keep the idea and call this one: thou shalt not be unfaithful. And suddenly we’re down to four. But when you think about it. Honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value. So in truth. You could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative and call the whole thing thou shalt always be honest and faithful. And we’re down to three. They’re going away fast. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods. This one is just plain fucking stupid. Coveting your neighbor’s goods is what keeps the economy going. Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays Oh Come All Ye Faithful. You want to get one too. Coveting creates jobs leave it alone. You throw out coveting you’re down to two now the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven’t talked about yet thou shalt not kill. Murder. The fifth commandment. But when you think about it. When you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, the Middle East, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are the more they see murder as being negotiable. It’s negotiable. It depends. It depends. It depends on who’s doing the killing and who’s getting killed. So with all of this in mind. I leave you with my revised list of the two commandments. Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie and thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to. Two is all you need Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fucking pocket. And if they had a list like that, I wouldn’t mind those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall. As long as they included one additional commandment. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself. Thank you thank you. Thank you everybody.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Reggie Watts: Spatial (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/reggie-watts-spatial-transcript/

Hello, I’m Thomas. I’m so glad to meet you Mum’ ? I’m Freddie. I met a girl I like today. She’s beautiful. I just wanted to kiss you. – I want to kiss you now. You’re amazing. Any of you girls fancy it ? You’re repulsive. Go on, fuck off home ! I’m never going to a brothel with you again. # Oh God now when’s the time # For me, oh # When will you see me through? # Oh God my mind is eating # My heart out # Oh God my heart is beating # My mind up # Please, come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back. Hi, I made tea. – Huh? Oh! Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to surprise you. It’s OK, Anthea. Um… What are you doing? Oh, you know… Just, er, just looking. Right. Whizzer. Eff’s a bit out of it. She’s beautiful. Not like me. Oh? Seems like somebody likes you! My boyfriend gave it to me. I only knew him three days. Thomas. Now he’s gone. But it was fun while it lasted, hmm? So much fun… Yeah, it’s called love. That’s a big word ! – I dunno, Four letters is … Oh. But I’m sure it is love : All you want to do is kiss them and, you know, other stuff. Brilliant stuff. Yeah. Yeah, brilliant stuff. Maybe this Thomas will hop on a train and come back to see you. You can’t get a train from the Congo. – Congo ? Yeah, it’s a Democratic Republic, located on the Equator, bordering Gabon and Cameroon. Yeah, I remember now. I really miss him. You think love conquers all, Anthea? I hope so, sweetie. Why don’t you wake up the sleeping beauty and tell her we have something called “breakfast” in our country? After that we had to get out mega-speedily, so we climbed over some spiky fence, and then found ourselves in this field. Then what did we do, Eff? – Can’t remember. We either went to the park to find the boys and then got chips, or the other way round. Which was it, Eff? Chips. – Oh, yeah. Super cool. Brown sauce soaks up all the Red Bulls. And then we went crazy, cos’ Cook pulled down JJ’s pants and showed us his willy. Morning, Mum. Yeah, thanks. Super duper great night at the youth centre. I made soup, we prayed and recycled socks. Soup. For the homeless, they love soup. Um, cream of mushroom… Okey-doke. Effy says, “Howdy doody.” See you later, alligator. Did you just … That was a pack of lies. Oh, you can’t tell my mum the truth. She’d only do agony flip and go ra-ra. Is she speaking English? She means the truth hurts, Dad. It’s for her own good. Otherwise, truth… Boom. You all right, love ? – Yeah, I just, erm, I just gotta, er… Stop it. – You stop it. Is someone going to start speaking a language round here I fucking understand ? Steve, mate ! Am I driving today ? No. You’re doing the International Webcam and Hard Drive Expo in Poole. You don’t want to miss that. I can’t do it. – Jesus ! You should have told me, I fucking love those hard drive events. Jim, who are you talking … – I need you. OK, I’ll get the car keys. Get you to Poole in no time. For fuck’s sake, I love you! When are you fucking going to understand that? Steve, Mate, I’m… I’m married. I’m straight. Don’t do dick, no way no how, but, you know… I mean, c’est la vie. – I can’t stand it, Anthea! Each to their… own. – I told you ! – It’s too late ! Wallop! Bitch ! Bitch ! Bitch ! Bitch ! You don’t understand ! Jim, please ! Listen ! – All those weekends ! Those bendy fucking yoga weekends in Dartmouth ! Jim, please ! Oh, you were bending all right, weren’t you ? In all the right fucking places ! – Oh please, Jim… Just let me… I just want to explain to you. You’ve done enough explaining, haven’t you? Jim, I’m sorry. – I love you. Please, don’t leave me down. What a mess. They fuck you up ! They don’t mean to, Eff. But they do. Effy! Not now, Mum. Effy! Bugger it, Eff. You can’t half leg it. And I’ve got cross-country badge! Do you think your mum and funny beard have been, you know… making monkey ? Yes, Pandora. They’ve been making monkey. Wow ! Surfed and turfed ? Yup. Eff. Eff, don’t cry. Does this mean you’re not coming to my pyjama party ? I’m not crying. Right. But my party ? Sure. Why not ? Let’s get totally, totally fucked. Um, yeah, that’s the thing. My mum’s gonna be there, and we’re gonna put on pyjamas and play Twister. It’s brilliant fun, more fun than getting fucked. Probably. And then you’re all going to tell me how to do it with Tommo because basically, I haven’t got a clue. Pandora, why are we friends ? Do you ever wonder ? Well, that’s super easy. You’re my pal because you’re the coolest ever, and I’m yours because I’ll totally do anything you say and none of your boyfriends ever want to surf me cos’ I’m useless. That’s it ? – Yeah. Come on, Let’s get hot chocolates. – Cool. Effy ! Hey ! Oh, shit ! I’ve been ringing you loads! You know Danny, he plays for the Bristol Rovers Reserves, yeah ? Yes, nice one, tasty. This is my new best friend, Effy. Cool tits, yeah ? Sorry ? Nice jugglies, babe. Perky. – Danny ! He doesn’t mean it, Do you, babes ? – Fuckin’ right I do ! Yeah ! – And I’m Pandora. OK. Hey kid, you should come up the ground, watch the lads train, yeah ? Cos’ after, we get some Lambrinis in, we go lucky in the showers ? He’s joking, right ? – Um, yeah. Right. Anyway. Can’t wait for this party tonight ! I’ve got a shitload of weed and pills. Weeds ? Um, no… – Cool. Yeah man. Way safe. Orgy ! You’re not coming. It’s girls only. Right ? Yeah. We’re gonna tell secrets and get intimate, no boys. Intimate ?! Yes. Nice one ! Take photos, babe ! So I’ve got Flying Saucepans and Love Fountains. Woo! We’re gonna fry ! – But, we’re doing Twister. Cool. You can snort that, right ? Not exactly. – Love Fountains are mint ! Mum’s making brownies. You OK ? She’s upset because her mum’s been making monkey and her dad’s gone ape. Huh ? Bananas ! Cos Beardy Steve’s been making her do the Funky Gibbon and… I’ve boobed, haven’t I ? – Yes ! Me loves the Funky Gibbon ! Danny ! – Yeah ? You’re gonna fuck off ? We need girl time. Yeah ? – Practice your ball skills, babe. I’ll do that keepy-uppy thing later, remember ? Oh, yeah ! Cool ! Mum’s done the signal. So everybody knows where my party is. How many people did you invite ? Um. Four. You, Eff, Emily and Naomi. Naomi ? Why did you invite her ? Em’s says I have to or she won’t come. Ah. Sweet ! – Come on. We can do brownies and then lick our bowls out. Do you think she knows she sounds filthy half the time? Sometimes I wonder. Mum ! Blastification ! Drat ! Drat ! Fiddlesticks ! Panda, we have spoken about shouting like a goat in the house. Sorry. Look, Mum. Friends ! Still shouting, Panda. Calm time, please. I’m calm. I’m calm. I’m calm. So, this is Effy. Effy ! We meet at last. – Yes. Pandora has told me so much about you. Yeah, you know, Eff, your missionary work. Yes, I try and do as much of that as I can. That’s good. There’s so many bad things in the world. Boys, and drugs, guns, alcohol. Boys. Evil things. I’m glad Pandora’s found a channel she can pour her energy into. Well, yes, all the seamen like her. Seamen ? – Oh, yes. Loads of seamen. Some of them are homeless as well. We’d all love to see Pandora get her own missionary position. Right… Lovely. And this is ? – Katie. Katie. I haven’t heard about you. She’s a new friend, Mum. Stupid. Well, that’s wonderful. We’re not used to having so many friends, are we, Panda? No. And I’ve got more. Heaps more. Two more. Four friends. Goodness. We’re going to have a wild old time, aren’t we? I hope you all like playing Monster in the Dark. Looking forward to it. I expect you all want to wash your hands and take your shoes off. Come on. I’ll show you Mum’s special box. # London’s burning London’s burning # London’s burning, London’s burning # Fetch the engines, Fetch the engines # Fire, fire ! Fire, fire ! # London’s burning, London’s burning… # Making brownies, making brownies Really yummy, really yummy # Making brownies, making brownies In the kitchen, in the kitchen… Fucking hell. Yes ? Nothing, young lady. I have nothing to say to you at all. What the fuck is that ? – Hi. Jesus. I’ve never been to a pyjama party before, so I brought vodka. Was that right ? – Dunno. I don’t wear pyjamas. Right. I dunno why she invited me anyway. I hardly know her. I asked her to invite you. I thought we sorted this out. – No, I didn’t mean like… Well, it doesn’t hurt to get to know each other, does it ? We’re in the same class. We’ll be hanging out for the next two years… You going to tell people you’re gay anytime soon ? What ? I’m not. I’m not gay. Telling you, Em. You haven’t thought this through, have you? No. So can I just say again? Me, not muff muncher. Me, cock cruncher. You getting any cock? I have done. Except he had erectile dysfunction. 17 times. I was getting tennis elbow, you know. Yes? Can I help you with something? No. This is a quiet cul-de-sac and you are disgraceful young women. Yeah? So go fuck yourself, tosser. Hi! Hey… What? Hey! Mum ! More friends ! Naomi and Emily ! – Calm, please, Panda. Oh, yeah. I’m calm. I’m calm. We’ve been so looking forward to this, haven’t we, Panda ? Yeah. What ? Oh, y34h. Sh03s ! Are you all chums ? Oh, yeah. Ems and Naomi are real good friends. How lovely ! Really good, and now they like me as well. Hang on. Aren’t you Katie ? That’s the amazing thing ! Katie ! They’re twins. C’est incroyable, baby! Sorry? It’s French. Thomas taught me ! He’s such a blinkin’ dream and… Bugger. – Thomas ? Who’s Thomas? Oh, you know… Pandora. I do hope you haven’t been defying me on the subject of boys. He’s my boyfriend, actually. He does, um, excellent French. Right. Well, Pandora knows my opinion on boyfriends. They just want to get into my box. – Yes, and I do hope all of you will respect That in this house we do not allow unruly males at parties. I’m sure your parents would say the same thing. Um…yeah. – Yeah. Boys. Eeugh. Disgusting. There you go, Katie and Emily. Completely identical. Are you interested in all the same things? Um… I’m not sure. You like Twister, though ? – Sorry ? Twister! It’s brill! It’s gonna be twistomatic, baby! Pandora gets over-stimulated. We do exercises nightly. Oh, I’ve left pyjamas out for you all. They’re pink…and clean. Very, very clean. # I got some troubles but they won’t last # I’m gonna lay right down here in the grass # And pretty soon all my troubles will pass # Cos I’m in shoo-shoo-shoo… Ooh. Are they nicely gooey? I’m certainly hoping so. Heavenly. You know, I’m wondering if you aren’t a little bit naughty, Effy. I am. Well, I bet you’re naughty enough to try these brownies with me before anybody else. I’ll try anything. OK, then. Let’s dive in. I love brownies. I love them. # ..Shoo-shoo-shoo Sugar Town. Twister. Are you shitting me? Don’t worry. I spiked the chocolate brownies with MDMA. You what? Yeah. Appreciate it, OK. There’s fucking 40 quid’s worth in there. You think it’s funny ? – It is kind of. Yeah, enter into the spirit, Ems. So, Katie, you gonna be nice to me now we’re Twister pals? I promise not to grab your minge and everything. OK, ha ha. Hands off the muff and we’re sorted. Gotcha ! No buffing the beaver. – No groping the growler. Don’t tickle on my tinkle ! OK, I won’t fluff up your flange. – You done ? Yep. We’re double done with the DNA dump. Hey, guys! What do you think? Mum made them specially, and look! Jesus. So you can have Sexy Poo… ..or Brainy Poo. Except for me, cos I have Panda Poo ! Mum and me sewed ’em on. It was a wacker job, I’m telling you. I’m not wearing that. – Why not ? It’s a pyjama party. What the fuck ? Give it here. – Oh, whizzer poo ! Because look what goes with them. Isn’t Mum wick ?! # My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard # And they’re like, it’s better than yours # My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard # And they’re like, it’s better than yours, damn right… Are they getting undressed ? Cook, they’re not. Why would they get undressed ? Can I just remind you that Pandora’s party is specified as a girls only event ? Yup. And you know what that means ? Of course I do. OK, so I’m not 100% sure what it means. So let me enlighten you, Double J. Pyjama party means only one thing – girls getting friendly. Friendly? Oh, yeah. Real friendly. Hang on. Even I know that only happens in overblown and possibly illegal teen dramas. Mum says there’s a lot less sex going on than I might imagine. You never experienced wish fulfilment, J? Never. They’re all in there, girls getting to know each other, experimenting, getting lubed up and gagging for forbidden fruit and we’re gonna give it to them. If Freddie was here… Do you see Freddie? Did we invite Freddie? No. – And why didn’t we invite him ? Because he’s a fun-sponge ? – You got it. You see ? It’s a sign. Yes ? – Um… Hello. I’ll call the police. # I’ve seen her once or twice before She knows my face # But it’s hard to see with all the people standing in the way… Cook? Cook?! # In the mornin’ you go gunnin’ # For the man who stole your water # But the hangman isn’t hangin’ # And they put you On the street, yeah… # Come on! This is a fantasy and I have to tell you, a poorly constructed one. Just because I have a natural facility on a climbing wall… Come on, we need to see them doing it. For the last time, they are not going to be doing it. They will not be naked, and they will not be engaged in mutual masturbation… Check. – What ? I’m requesting a check. Is that too much to ask of a friend ? What the fuck ? Oh, my god, oh, my god ! – What… What ? What ? They’re n.. na… Please, say naked. – Nearly naked. That’s good enough for me. Ah…! Cook…! Cook…! What the fuck ? Come on, Eff, pyjamas. – Whatever… Cook, I can’t hang on. I’m going to slip! What was that ? Nothing. Tummy. Too much cake… Hey, Mum. Look. We’re pretty in pink! Oh! That’s wonderful, girls. I must compliment myself, though. My brownies are usually delicious, but I’ve really excelled myself. This is my third already. Yum… I’m gonna have three. Thanks, Mum. Yeah, sure… Wow. Listen to that. # BON JOVI : Livin’ On A Prayer Can you hear the music ? Oh, yeah ! Mum ? Oh, that’s beautiful. Oh, it sounds… What’s she doing ? – Wonderful ! oh, wow ! Yeah, I’m getting it ! I’m telling you. That is fucking good shit ! What have you done? Eat a cake, Panda. It’s gonna be a long night. # Tommy used to work on the docks # Union’s been on strike He’s down on his luck # It’s tough # So tough # Gina works the diner all day # Working for her man # She brings home her pay For love # Ooh, for love # She says, “We’ve gotta hold on To what we’ve got # “It doesn’t make a difference If we make it or not # “We’ve got each other And that’s a lot for love # We’ll give it a shot!” # I’m telling you, man. We gotta fucking get in there ! No. – No ? Freddie says, every time you ask me to do something, just say no. He said that ? – Yes. It’s a song … Which gives useful lifestyle advice, but More than that, it’s a state of mind. Maybe me and Freds we’re gonna have words. But somehow, love you or leave you Gay J, I’m going to this party ! You coming ? No. Just say no. Suit yourself, Gay J. Oh, balls! Freds, you gotta get down here! We’ve gone to Nine. ‘Nine?’ Affirmative. It’s a Niner. Code Red. He’s going in. – ‘Stop him, JJ. Stop him !’ Result. Eurgh! Oh, God… Dump her in here! Dump her in here! Shit! Fuck! That was so… So fun. Is she breathing? Yep. – Safe. Oh, man! Panda, come on ! Let me in. – Go away ! It was a joke. It wasn’t even me ! You always bog everything up ! It’s always you ! You do everything you like just cos’ you’re depressed, cos’ your mum’s getting wacked up the pants ! Well, bogging bog off ! This is my party and I’m upset because my boyfriend got deported and you’re supposed to be eating jelly and playing Twister at my party and telling me how to pop my cherry with my boyfriend ! Christ’s sake ! I will show you how to do a blowjob. I don’t want a blowjob. I want my boyfriend back ! Panda, I was just…. Panda ! Um… she’s upset. Do I ever get to be upset ? Do I ever get to be anyone but me ?! Eff… – Fuck off ! Effy, just… Panda… Oh, for Christ’s sake ! Get Cook out. Don’t get arrested. They will not be naked. I’m going in. Where you going ? Wine. I want wine. Hurry up with it ! Get beer, lezzer ! All right, all right ! Keep your vagina on. So… What do you want, Ems ? Pinot Grigio, or… cider oblivion ? Anything… Just give me a fucking… Just… Just give me a… # ..Cos I’m being taken over by a feeling… # It’s only the drugs, right ? # ..It’s all about fast cars And cussing each other # But it doesn’t matter Cos I’m packing plastic # And that’s what makes my life So fucking fantastic # I don’t know what’s right And what’s real any more # And I don’t know How I’m meant to feel… # You liked that. You’re gay. Yes. Oh, my giddy, giddy, giddy… aunt ! # GIRLS ALOUD: “Jump (For My Love)” Fuck. # ..Then jump for my love # Jump in # And feel my touch # Jump, if you wanna taste my kisses in the night, then # Jump for my love # I know my heart can make you happy # Jump in! You know these arms can fill you up # Jump, if you wanna taste My kisses in the night then # Jump for my love… # Shit. Hey, Katie ! Katie ! Where are you, girl ?! Which fucking house, girl ?! What’s going on, kidder ?! The lads ! Wahey ! Oh, shit. Yes! Pyjama party, check it out, lads. Nice one ! No, No. You’re not meant to be here, remember ? Come on. Have a heart. We lost 7-0 again, innit ? You know the lads… Tommo… Marco… How you doing, man ?! Jonno… Sambo… Keeno… Danno… Paedo ! Nice ! # BEASTIE BOYS: “Three MCs And One DJ” Sorry. Hello ? The fucking door’s locked itself, hasn’t it ? Hey. Hey. You should’ve pulled. I will now, won’t I ? Is this the cupboard for mindless sex ? You don’t give a fuck about anything, do you ? Nope. Go away. Go away. Please. I want my boyfriend. Yeah. Wait. Hang on. Don’t push. I wanna… Wait! There’s something here. No. Aargh! What the fuck? What’s going on? Are we…? Are we next door? We’re next door. ‘Hello. I’m Martin. This is Angela.’ ‘Hi.’ ‘And this is how we have sex.’ ‘Oh. That’s lovely, Angela.’ ‘Thank you, Martin.’ ‘Could you rub a little harder ?’ ‘- Certainly.’ You ! Yes, you. I’ve called the police, you know ? I’ll be giving Angela a report when she gets back. Right. It’s nearly nine o’clock… disgusting. Absolutely shocking, what you kids get up to. Shocking ! JJ ? Throw me through the ceiling ! Throw me through the fucking ceiling ! JJ ! JJ ! JJ ! G… G… Got locked on, Freds. It’s gone to a 12. Easy. It’s all right. It’s all right. Come on. We’re gonna leave, come on. Yeah? All right? I didn’t want to leave without him, you know ? It’s an international incident. I thought he was gonna… gonna… I didn’t want to leave without him. Fuck him, JJ. Freddie. You came. Cool. JJ gets locked on. You have to look after him. I thought Cook… Cook’s his friend. I think Cook’s your friend, isn’t he ? Not necessarily. Hey, you’ll never guess what Pandora’s Mum… We’re going home, Eff. Where’s Pandora ? Come on. I didn’t mean to fuck everything up. My parents are splitting up. I’m sorry. I got trashed. I’m sorry about that. It’s shit. # CAT POWER: Fool # Apartment in New York London and Paris # Where will we rest? We’re all living on top of it # It’s all that we have The USA is our daily bread # And no-one is willing to share it # Bane and dismannered We coax all the time # Knowing that nothing Is left when we die. # Come along, fool # A direct hit of the senses you’re disconnected # It’s not that it’s bad # It’s not that it’s death # It’s just that it’s On the tip of your tongue # And you’re so silent… # All right, Panda ? Hi. We’re the last ones standing. No one’s got any stamina these days. Right. Whizzer ! I wanted to play Twister… and then the girls were gonna tell me how to do sex. Bummer. How do you do it, anyway ? Huh ? You know, you’ve done loads of sex. No, Twister. Oh ! Well, you spin the dial, and then you put your hands and feet where it tells you. Hey, Panda ? Yes, Cookie ? Do you want me to show you ? What ? You know. # KANYE WEST : ‘Love Lockdown’ # I’m not lovin’ you Way I wanted to # What I had to do Had to run from you # I’m in love with you But the vibe is wrong # And that haunted me All the way home # So you never know Never, never know # Never know enough Til it’s over, love # Til we lose control System overload # Screamin’, “No, no no, n-no,” # I’m not lovin’ you Way I wanted to # See I wanna move But can’t escape from you # So I keep it low Keep a secret code # So everybody else Don’t have to know # So keep your love locked down # Your love locked down Keepin’ your love locked down # Your love locked down I keep your love locked down # Your love locked down I keep your love locked down # You lose # I stayed silent for two years # For two years # I never dared to come alive # Let go of my fears… # Wow. You really are beautiful. So are you, Mum. I wanted to be. One more time. # ..Just like I guessed # Why See ya later. Any good ? I don’t know what you mean. I mean he’s a sensational fuck, yeah ? There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, Eff. Just cos I’m useless, don’t mean I’m nothing. We’re friends because you don’t surf-and-turf my men. You said that ! He’s not yours, Eff. He’ll never belong to anyone. Shut up ! – That’s why you don’t really want him. Shut up ! – He’s not the one you want, Eff ! Shut up! You see, I know that because I’m your friend. But you don’t make enough effort, Eff. I’m just there to laugh at. You don’t know me. My life. My family. My Mum. Why don’t you know anything about my Mum? I know everything about yours. You’re right. I don’t know anything about your Mum. I’m sorry. OK ? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. What ? Careful what you wish for, Pandora. Why ? Panda ! Panda ! Look, I’m here! It’s me. > Are you not glad to see me? > Mother said I could come back. What’s wrong? > Don’t be a twat, Thomas. Give your girlfriend a hug. Yes… Oh, Panda. I missed you… I missed you too much. It’s OK. Everything is OK. Everything is A1. # LOW: Breaker # Our bodies break # And the blood just spills and spills # But here we sit debating math # It’s just a shame… # I’m sorry. # My hand just kills and kills # There’s gotta be an end to that… #

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jim Jefferies on Gun Control [Full Transcript]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-gun-control-full-transcript/

Australian comedian Jim Jefferies breaks down the absurdity of America’s obsession with guns in his Netflix special BARE (2014) by Jim Jefferies I’m gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit. Uh… Gun control. Now… No, wait. Before you… Don’t get excited because the other people have guns. The anti-gun people are like, “Yeah! Do it, Jim!” No, let’s just… [Shushes] Now, before I start saying this, I wanna say this, right? I believe in your right as Americans to have guns. I’m not trying to stop you from having guns. All I’m saying is this is my personal belief on the opinion. My opinion on the… Oh, it doesn’t matter. I don’t like guns, right? I’m gonna say some things that are just facts, right? In Australia, we had guns, right? Right up until 1996. In 1996, Australia had the biggest massacre on Earth. It still hasn’t been beaten. And… Now, after that, they banned the guns. Now, in the 10 years before Port Arthur, there was 10 massacres. Since the gun ban in 1996, there hasn’t been a single massacre since. I don’t know how or why this happened, uh… Maybe it was a coincidence, right? Now, please understand that I understand that Australia and America are two vastly different cultures with different people, right? I get it. In Australia, we had the biggest massacre on Earth, and the Australian government went, “That’s it! No more guns!” And we all went, “Yeah, all right, then. That seems fair enough, really.” Now, in America, you had the Sandy Hook massacre where little, tiny children died, and your government went, “Maybe… we’ll get rid of the big guns?” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my guns!” [Whooping] So, here’s where it gets confusing, right? Now, as I said, I am all for your Second Amendment rights. I think you should be able to have guns. It’s in your constitution. What I am not for is bullshit arguments and lies. There is one argument and one argument alone for having a gun, and this is the argument… “Fuck off. I like guns.” It’s not the best argument, but it’s all you’ve got. And there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I like something. Don’t take it away from me.” But don’t give me this other bullshit. The main one is, [In American accent] “I need it for protection. I need to protect me. I need to protect my family.” Really? Is that why they’re called “assault rifles”? Is it? I’ve never heard of these fucking “protection rifles” you speak of. Protection? What the fuck are you talking about? You have a gun in your house, you’re 80% more likely to use that gun on yourself, than to shoot someone else. And people think, “Well, that’d never happen to me.” You don’t know that, because you know what? ♪ From time to time We all get sad ♪ ♪ One day you’re happy Then you’re sad ♪ ♪ And then, uh-oh ♪ Protection. I had a break-in in Manchester, England, where I was tied up, I had my head cut. They threatened to rape my girlfriend. They came through the window with a machete and a hammer, and Americans always go, [In American accent] “Well, imagine if you had a gun.” And I’m like, “All right. I was naked at the time. I wasn’t wearing my holster. I wasn’t staring at the window waiting for cunts with machetes to come through.” What world do you live in where you’re constantly fucking ready? You have guns ’cause you like guns! That’s why you go to gun conventions! That’s why you read gun magazines! None of you give a shit about home security. None of you go to home security conventions. None of you read Padlock Monthly. None of you have a Facebook picture of you behind a secure door going, “Fucking yeah!” Like you’re going to be ready if someone comes into your house. You have it at all fucking times. By the way, most people who are breaking into your house just want your fucking TV! You think that people are coming to murder your family? How many fucking enemies do you have? Jeez, you think a lot of yourself if you think everyone’s coming to murder you. See, if you have it readily available, it becomes unsafe. You have it in your bedside table, one of your kids picks it up, thinks it’s a toy, shoots another one of your kids. Happens every fucking day, but people go, “That’d never happen in my house ’cause I’m a responsible gun owner. I keep my guns locked in a safe.” Then they’re no fucking protection! Someone comes into the house, you’re like, “Wait there, fuck-face! Oh! You’ve come to the wrong house here, buddy boy. I tell you what. I’m gonna fuck you up! Okay. Is it 32 to the left or 32 to the right? Your mother’s birthday? Why the fuck would I know your fucking mother’s birthday? Maybe if you didn’t leave the window open [In whining voice] ‘because it’s too hot in here,’ we wouldn’t be getting fucking murdered, right?” NRA: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver | Transcript I find the NRA to be hard work. The fact that they always think the answer is more guns. After Sandy Hook happened, the NRA said, and I quote, “None of this would have happened if the teachers had guns.” I… I think they’re forgetting what school was like. Does anyone remember that casual teacher that used to… Whenever she came into school, that relief teacher came, you and your friends would see her and go, [Chuckling] “Oh, we’re gonna make her cry.” And then she’d stand in front of the class with a bit of chalk and her hands would be shaking, and you’d go, “You’re never getting married, are you, Miss? Never gonna happen for you.” Then she’d get back to her 1967 Volkswagen Beetle, and she’d be crying over the steering wheel, just, “Why don’t they like me?” Let’s give that cunt a gun and see how things work out! [Audience cheering] And then they go, “Oh, well, answer to that, we’ll just add more guns.” They go, “We’ll put an armed security guard at every school across America.” Yeah, that’ll work out. The average security guard in America earns $16 an hour. Not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero! Someone comes onto the school and… [Mimicking machine gun] And you’ve got Kevin. Now, I’m sure Kevin’s shit-hot at Call of Duty, but it might not fucking cut it, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I understand that when I’m doing this joke in this room, 50% of you agree with me, 50% of you don’t agree with me, and I do respect the people who don’t agree with me. Don’t think I don’t. Out of the 50% that don’t agree with me, 20% of those people are smart enough to realize this is a comedy show and it’s not to be taken seriously, and they’re laughing along ’cause it’s just funny jokes, right? And then the next 20%, have sort of phased out a little bit. They’re looking around, going, “Wonder how they got that chandelier up there?” And then… there’s the last 10%. And they’re fucking furious. Right now, in this room and the people watching at home… 10% of you are fucking seething. Just… And for a couple of reasons. First reason, I’m making good points. [Audience cheering] Second reason. Second reason. Second reason, and this is the big one, I’m foreign… and that’s pissing the fuck out of you right now, and your brain is on a loop and you can’t fucking turn it off, and it’s just going around in a circle, and you’re just going, “If you don’t like it, go home! If you don’t like it, go home!” And my answer to that is, “No.” I came here legally. I pay my taxes. I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. Your First Amendment means that I can say the Second Amendment sucks dicks. And… unless you’re an American Indian, you’re a fucking immigrant as well, so fuck off. People get so precious about it. I understand that to Americans, your constitution is very important. I respect it, but please understand that every country has one as well. It’s no more special than any other constitution. We have one in Australia. I don’t know what it says. I’ve never seen it. If there’s a problem, we’ll check it, but everything’s going fine. And don’t get me wrong. I get that the constitution is important to you. I have had… Fucking, I get it, right? I’ve had people come up to me in my face and scream at me in car parks as I’m leaving the theater, going, [In American accent] “You cannot change the Second Amendment!” And I’m like, “Yes, you can. It’s called an ‘amendment.'” If you can’t change something that’s called an “amendment”, see, many of you need a thesaurus more than you need a constitution. And if you don’t know what a thesaurus is, get a dictionary and work your way forward. Don’t think your constitution is set in stone. You’ve changed things before. You used to have prohibition in there, right? And then people were like, “Hey, who likes getting fucked up? Yeah, I like getting fucked up, too. Let’s get that one out. Let’s get that one out.” You used to have this other thing in America called, uh… slavery! And then Lincoln came along and went, “That’s it. No more slaves!” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my slaves!” And the same bullshit arguments came out that you have with guns. “Why should I have my slaves taken off me? I’m a responsible slave owner. I’m trained in how to use my slaves safely. Just because that guy mistreated his slaves doesn’t mean that my rights should be taken away from me. I… I use my slaves to protect my family! I keep my slaves locked in a safe!” That’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me? I’ve done nothing wrong.” Look, I agree with you. If you’re a responsible gun owner and you don’t fuck around with them, then you should be allowed your guns. You really should. But that’s not how society works. We have to play to the 1% that are such fuckwits they ruin it for the rest of us. We have to walk as slow as our slowest person to keep society fucking moving, right? I take drugs like a fucking champion, right? [Audience cheering] We should all be allowed to take fucking drugs, but we can’t, can we? Because Sarah took drugs and she stabbed her fucking kids. Oh! “Oh, thanks, Sarah. You fucked it up for everyone.” Right? Everyone should be allowed to drive their car as fast as they can do it, right? But we can’t because Jonathan got drunk and ran over a family. “Thanks, Jonathan! Now I have to drive at 30, you fucking idiot!” See, that’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me, I’m responsible, just because that guy’s crazy?” Who’s to say you’re not crazy? That’s the thing about crazy people. They don’t know they’re crazy. That’s what makes them crazy. The only thing you know for sure on this Earth is, “I think, therefore I am.” You know that you exist. Anything past that is open to interpretation, right? You know you exist and that’s it. Right now, I think I’m in Boston talking to 1,200 people. That’s what I think I’m doing, but there is a good to fair chance that I’m in a mental home, standing in front of a white wall, going, [Slurring speech] “I hate guns. I hate guns. I hate guns.” [Audience applauding] See, one of the better arguments is, “Well, if you take the guns away, then only the criminals will have guns.” Not true. When they banned the guns in Australia, it worked. When they banned them in Britain, it worked, okay? The Bushmaster gun that the kid was gonna use in Sandy Hook costs, like, $1,000 American and you can buy it in Walmart. It’ll be delivered to your house. That’s it, man. 1,000 bucks, right? That same gun in Australia on the black market costs $34,000. Now if you have $34,000, you don’t need to be a criminal. You’ve got $34,000. You’re a great little saver. Keep going. So that covers the criminals, but that doesn’t cover the people who wanna murder your family, that are coming after you and your family. It kind of does. The people who do the massacres, it covers them ’cause they go… The kid at Colorado who thought he was The Joker, let’s say that he had some social issues. The kid at Sandy Hook was Asperger’s as fuck. Right? I don’t know if you know a lot about the black market, but you can’t just rock up at the docks going, [Slurring speech] “Guns! Who wants to sell me a gun?” Now, I’m gonna wrap this up. We won’t talk about it anymore. Now… See, the one thing that I do really agree with with the right to bear arms, I really agree with… That the real reason it was written was so that you could form a militia to fight against a tyrannical government. In case the government became a bunch of cunts, you could all get your guns and fight back, and that’s why it was written. [Audience cheering] Yeah! And that made a hell of a lot of sense when it was just muskets. But you do know the government has drones, right? You get that? You’re bringing guns to a drone fight! If we went back to muskets, I’m all for it! Keep the Second Amendment. If we all have muskets… Muskets are awesome! Every cunt should be carrying a musket with him at all times. You know what’s good about the musket? It gives you a lot of time to calm down. Someone calls your wife fat, and you’re like, “Fuck you, buddy! Ah, you’re not a bad guy. You’re all right.”

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George Carlin: Jamming in New York (1992) – Transcript

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Jammin’ in New York is George Carlin’s 14th album and eighth HBO special, recorded on April 24 and 25, 1992, at the Paramount Theater, on the grounds of Madison Square Garden in New York City. “Rockets and Penises in the Persian Gulf” Thank you and hello New York! Okay, it’s been a little while, it’s been a little while since I’ve been here and a couple of things have happened in that time. I’d like to talk a little bit about the war in the Persian Gulf… biiiiiig doings in the Persian Gulf. You know my favourite part of that war? It’s the first war we ever had that was on every channel plus cable… and the war got good ratings too, didn’t it? Got good ratings! Well, we like war!!! We like war! We’re a war-like people! We like war because we’re good at it! You know why we’re good at it? Cause we get a lot of practice. This country’s only 200 years old and already, we’ve had 10 major wars. We average a major war every 20 years in this country so we’re good at it! And it’s a good thing we are; we’re not very good at anything else anymore! Huh? Can’t build a decent car, can’t make a TV set or a VCR worth a fuck, got no steel industry left, can’t educate our young people, can’t get health care to our old people, but we can bomb the shit out of your country all right! Huh? Especially if your country is full of brown people; oh we like that don’t we? That’s our hobby! That’s our new job in the world: bombing brown people. Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya, you got some brown people in your country, tell them to watch the fuck out or we’ll goddamn bomb them! Well when’s the last white people you can remember that we bombed? Can you remember the last white— can you remember ANY white people we’ve ever bombed? The Germans, those are the only ones and that’s only because they were trying to cut in on our action. They wanted to dominate the world! BULLSHIT! THAT’S OUR FUCKING JOB!!! Now, we only bomb brown people – not because they’re trying to cut in on our action – just because they’re brown. Now you probably noticed I don’t feel about that war the way we were told we were supposed to feel about that war, the way we were ordered and instructed by the United States government to feel about that war. You see, I tell ya, my mind doesn’t work that way. I got this real moron thing I do; it’s called “thinking”, and I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. I don’t just roll over when I’m told to. Sad to say, most Americans just roll over on command, not me. I have certain rules I live by; my first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me… nothing, zero, no, and I don’t take very seriously, the media or the press in this country, who in the case of the Persian Gulf war were nothing more than unpaid employees of the Department of Defence, and who most of the time, most of the time functioned as kind of an unofficial public relations agency for the United States government. So I don’t listen to them, I don’t really believe in my country and I gotta tell you folks, I don’t get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol-minded. Me? I look at war a little bit differently. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving okay? Simple thing, that’s all it is, war is a whole lot of men standing out in a field waving their pricks at one another. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks and so they have to kill one another over the idea. That’s what all that asshole, jock bullshit is all about. That’s what all that adolescent, macho-male posturing, and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about, it’s called “dick fear!” Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another to feel better about themselves and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem. You don’t have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the Bigger Dick foreign policy theory at work. It sounds like this: “What?! They have bigger dicks?! BOMB THEM!!!” And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. It’s a subconscious need to project the penis into other people’s affairs. It’s called: “FUCKING WITH PEOPLE!!!” So as far as I’m concerned, that whole thing in the Persian Gulf is nothing more than a biiiiiig prick-waving dick fight. In this particular case, Saddam Hussein had questioned the size of George Bush’s dick and George Bush has been called a wimp for so long – “wimp” rhymes with “limp” – George has been called a wimp for so long, that he has to act out his manhood fantasies by sending other people’s children to die. Even the name… “Bush”… even the name, “Bush”, is related to the genitals without being the genitals. A bush is a sort of passive, secondary, sex characteristic. Now if this man’s name had been George Boner, well, he might’ve felt a little bit better about himself and we wouldn’t have had any trouble over there in the first place. This whole country has a manhood problem, biiiiiig manhood problem in the USA. You can tell from the language we use; language always gives you away. What did we do wrong in Vietnam? We pulled out! Huh? Not a very manly thing to do is it? When you’re fucking people, you gotta stay in there and fuck them good! Fuck ‘em all the way! Fuck ‘em ‘til the end! Fuck ‘em to death! Fuck ‘em to death! Fuck ‘em to death! Stay in there and keep fucking them until they’re all dead! We left a few women and children alive in Vietnam and we haven’t felt good about ourselves since. That’s why in the Persian Gulf, George Bush had to say “this will not be another Vietnam!” He actually used these words, he said: “This time, we’re going all the way!” Imagine, an American president using the sexual slang of a 13 year-old to describe his foreign policy. If you wanna know what happened in the Persian Gulf, just remember the names of the two men who were running that war: Dick Cheney and Colin Powell… somebody got fucked in the ass! “Little Things We Share” Now to balance the scale, I’d like to talk about some things that bring us together, things that point out our similarities instead of our differences cause that’s all you ever hear about in this country is our differences. That’s all the media and the politicians are ever talking about: the things that separate us, things that make us different from one another. That’s the way the ruling class operates in any society: they try to divide the rest of the people; they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that they, the rich, can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing… happens to work. You know, anything different, that’s what they’re gonna talk about: race, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other so that they can keep going to the bank. You know how I describe the economic and social classes in this country? The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class… keep on showing up at those jobs. So stirring up the shit is something I like to do from time to time but I also like to know that I can come back to these little things we have in common, little universal moments that we share separately, the things that make us the same. They’re so small; we hardly ever talk about them. Do you ever look at your watch… and then you don’t know what time it is? And you have to look again, and you still don’t know the time. So you look a third time and somebody says “what time is it?” you say “I don’t know.” Do you ever notice how sometimes all day Wednesday, you keep thinking it’s Thursday? And it happens over and over all day long, and then the next day, you’re all right again. Do you ever find yourself standing in one of the rooms in your house and you can’t remember why you went in there? And two words float across your mind: “Alzheimer’s Disease?!” You ever been talking to yourself and somebody comes in the room and you have to make believe you were singing? And you hope to God the other person really believes there’s a song called “What Does She Think I Am… Some Kind of Putz?!” Little experiences we’ve all had… you ever been sitting in a railroad train in the station and there’s another train sitting right next to ya, and one of them starts to move, and you can’t tell which one it is? How about when you’re out on a small boat on a windy day? You ever been out rocking back and forth for three or four hours trying to keep your balance, rough seas, little boat, then you get back into the shore and you’re standing on the dock and you could swear there was something inside of you that was still out there rocking? Did you ever try to pick up a suitcase you thought was full but it wasn’t? And you go pwwt… and for just a split second you feel really strong. How about when you’re looking through a chain link fence? Did you ever notice if you’re just the right distance from a chain link fence, sometimes it seems to go pwwt [makes a closing in and out motion]? What is that? How do they do that? Did you ever try to tell somebody they have a little bit of dirt on their face? You can never get them to rub the right spot can you? “Say… you got a little bit of dirt right here.” They always go “where? Here?” and you just wanna slap the bastard! Do you ever notice how awful your face looks in a mirror in a restroom that has florescent lights? Every cut, scrape, scratch, scar, scab, bruise, boil, bump, pimple, zit, warp, welt, and abscess you’ve had since BIRTH all seem to come back at the same time, and all you can think of is “I GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!” Did you ever notice sometimes when you’re walking with your arm around your date, one of you has the change the way you’re walking? Men and women don’t walk the same; one of them has to change. Either the man has to walk like this [walks on his toes] or the woman has to walk like this [struts] “Joey, how are ya?” How about when you’re going up a flight of stairs and you think there’s one more step? And you go ughh. And then you have to kinda keep doing that you know, so people will think it’s something you do all the time. “I do this all the time; it’s the third stage of syphilis.” Same thing happens when you’re going down the stairs. You could swear there was one more step— pfft! “Holy shit! My hips are in my chest!” When you drink grapefruit juice in the morning, do you go like this? [squints face] I do too! Why do we drink it?! It’s like ice cream throat. You know when you’ve been eating ice cream too fast and you get that frozen spot in the back of your throat but you can’t do anything about it because you can’t reach it to rub it? You just have to kinda wait for it to go away? And it does… then what do you do? EAT MORE ICE CREAM!!! WHAT ARE WE FUCKING STUPID?! Did you ever fall asleep on a late afternoon, you wake up after dark, and you don’t know what goddamn day it is? Like when you have your head on a pillow… did you ever notice when you have your head on a pillow, if you close the bottom eye, the pillow is down there, then if you switch eyes, the pillow moves up there? “Whoa, holy shit Dave! Look at this! The mystery of the moving pillow… I think it’s related to the chain link fence mystery myself.” Did you ever have to sneeze while you’re taking a piss? It’s frightening isn’t it? It’s frightening cause actually, you can’t do it! It’s physically impossible to sneeze while pissing. Your brain won’t let it happen; your brain says “STOP PISSING!!! YOU’RE GOING TO SNEEZE NOW!!!” cause your brain knows you might blow your asshole out! “Airline Announcements” Something else we have in common… flying on the airlines and listening to the airlines’ announcements and trying to pretend to ourselves that the language they’re using is really English. Doesn’t seem like it to me… Whole thing starts when you get to the gate… first announcement: “We would like to begin the boarding process…” Extra word, “process”, not necessary, “boarding” is enough; “we’d like to begin the boarding…” simple, tells the story. People add extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are. “Boarding process” sounds important… it isn’t. It’s just a bunch of people getting on an airplane! People like to sound important; weathermen on television talk about “shower activity…” sounds more important than “showers”. I even heard one guy on CNN talk about “a rain event.” Swear to God, he said “Louisiana is expecting a rain event.” I thought “holy shit, I hope I can get tickets to that!” … “Emergency situation…” News people like to say “police have responded to an emergency situation.” No they haven’t, they’ve responded to an emergency. We know it’s a situation… everything is a situation! Anyway, as part of this boarding process, they say “we would like to pre-board…”…Well what exactly is that anyway? What does it mean to pre-board? You get on before you get on? That’s another complaint of mine: too much use of this prefix “pre.” It’s all over the language now: pre-this, pre-that, “place the turkey in a pre-heated oven…” It’s ridiculous! There are only two states an oven can possibly exist in: HEATED OR UNHEATED! “Pre-heated” is a meaningless fucking term! It’s like “pre-recorded…” “this program was pre-recorded…” well OF COURSE it was pre-recorded! When else are you gonna record it? Afterwards?! That’s the whole purpose of recording: to do it beforehand… otherwise it doesn’t really work does it?! “Pre-existing”, “pre-planning”, “pre-screening”, you know what I tell these people? PRE-SUCK MY GENITAL SITUATION!!! And they seem to understand what I’m talking about… Anyway, as part of this pre-boarding, they say: “we would like to pre-board those passengers travelling with small children.” Well what about those passengers travelling with large children? Suppose you have a two year-old with a pituitary disorder! You know, a six-foot infant with an oversized head, the kind of kids you see in the National Inquirer all the time. Actually, with a kid like that, I think you’re better off checking him right in with your luggage at the curb don’t you? Well they like it under there, it’s dark, they’re used to that! About this time, someone is telling you to get on the plane… “get on the plane, get on the plane…” I say “Fuck you! I’m getting IN the plane! Let Evil Keneevil get ON the plane! I’ll be in here with you folks in uniform. There seems to be less WIND in here!” They might tell you you’re on a “non-stop flight…”…Well I don’t think I care for that. No, I insist that my flight stop! Preferably at an airport! It’s those sudden unscheduled corn field and housing development stops that seem to interrupt the flow of my day! Here’s one they just made up: “near-miss.” When two planes almost collide, they call it a “near-miss.” IT’S A NEAR-HIT!!! A collision is a near-miss! Pfft! “Look, they nearly missed.” “Yes, but not quite!” They might tell you your flight has been delayed because of a “change of equipment…” BROKEN PLANE!!! Tell me to “put my seatback forward…” Well I don’t bend that way! If I could put my seatback forward, I’d be in porno movies!!! Then they mention “carry-on luggage…” first time I heard “carry-on”, I thought they were going to bring a dead deer on board. I thought “what the hell do they need with that? Don’t they have the little TV dinners anymore?” Then I thought “carry-on, carry on, there’s going to be a party! People are going to be carrying on on the plane.” Well I don’t care for that; I like a serious attitude on the plane, especially on the “flight deck” which is the latest euphemism for “COCKPIT!!!” Can’t imagine why they wouldn’t want to use a lovely word like “COCKPIT” can you? Especially with all those stewardesses going in and out of it all the time! There’s a word that’s changed: “stewardess…” First it was “hostess”, then it’s “stewardess”, now it’s “flight attendant.” You know what I call them? “The Lady on the Plane.” Sometimes, it’s a man on the plane now, that’s good, equality; I’m all in favour of that. Sometimes, they actually refer to these people as “uniformed crew members.” Uniformed… as opposed to that guy sitting next to you in a “grateful dead” t-shirt and a “fuck you” hat… who’s working on his ninth little bottle of Kahlua I might add. As soon as they close the door to the aircraft, that’s when they begin the safety lecture. I love the safety lecture. This is my favourite part of the airplane ride. I listen very carefully to the safety lecture, especially that part where they teach us how to use “the seat belts.” Imagine this: here we are; a plane full of grown human beings – many of us partially educated – and they’re actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle! “Place the small metal flap into the buckle.” Well I asked for clarification at that point! “Over here please… over here… yes… thank you very much. Did I hear you correctly? Did you say ‘place the small metal flap into the buckle’ or ‘place the buckle over and around the small metal flap?’ I’m a simple man; I do not possess an engineering degree nor am I mechanically inclined. Sorry to have taken up so much of your time, please continue with the wonderful safety lecture. Seat belt: high-tech shit!” The safety lecture continues… the next thing they do, they tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit… I do this immediately! I locate my nearest emergency exit and then I plan my route. You have to plan your route; it’s not always a straight line is it? Sometimes, there’s a REALLY BIG FAT FUCK SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!! Well you know you’ll never get over him! I look around for women and children, midgets and dwarves, cripples, war widows, paralyzed veterans, people with broken legs, anybody who looks like they can’t move too well. The emotionally disturbed come in very handy at a time like this. You might have to go out of your way to find these people but you’ll get out of the plane a lot goddamn quicker, believe me! I say “let’s see… I go around the fat fuck, step on the widow’s head, push those children out of the way, knock down the paralyzed midget, and get out of the plane where I can help others.” I can be of no help to anyone if I’m lying unconscious in the aisle with some big cocksucker standing on my head! I must get out of the plane, go to a nearby farmhouse, have a Dr. Pepper, and call the police! The safety lecture continues… “In the unlikely event…” This is a very suspect phrase, especially coming as it does from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times… “In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure…” ROOF FLIES OFF!!! “…an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally.” Well, I have no problem with that. I always breathe normally when I’m in a 600mph uncontrolled vertical dive. I also shit normally… RIGHT IN MY PANTS!!! They tell you to adjust your oxygen mask before helping your child with his. I did not need to be told that. In fact, I’m probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all! This will be a good time for him to learn “self-reliance!” If he can program his fucking VCR, he can goddamn, jolly well learn to adjust an oxygen mask! Fairly simple thing; just a little rubber band at the back, that’s all it is… not nearly as complicated as say, for instance a… seat belt. The safety lecture continues… “In the unlikely event of a water landing…” … … well what exactly is… a water landing? Am I mistaken or does this sound somewhat similar to CRASHING INTO THE OCEAN?!!! “…your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device.” Well imagine that: my seat cushion… just what I need… to float around the North Atlantic for several days, clinging to a pillow full of beer farts! The flight continues… a little later on, toward the end, we hear: “the captain has turned on the ‘fasten seat belt’ sign.” Well who gives a shit who turned it on?! What does that have to do with anything?! It’s on isn’t it?! … …And who made this man a captain might I ask? Did I sleep through some sort of an armed forces swearing-in ceremony or something? Captain? He’s a fucking pilot! Let him be happy with that! If those sightseeing announcements are any mark of his intellect, he’s lucky to be working at all! Tell the captain “Air Marshall Carlin says ‘GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!’” The next sentence I hear is full of things that piss me off: “Before leaving the aircraft, please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought on board.” Well, let’s start with “immediate seating area…”… SEAT!!! It’s a goddamn seat! “Check around your seat!”… “…for any personal belongings…” Well what other kinds of belongings are there besides personal? Public belongings? Do these people honestly think I might be travelling with a fountain I stole from the park?! “…you might have brought on board.” Well… I might have brought my arrowhead collection… I didn’t, SO I’M NOT GOING TO LOOK FOR IT!!! I’M GOING TO LOOK FOR THINGS I BROUGHT ON BOARD!!! It would seem to enhance the likelihood of my finding something wouldn’t you say? Tell me to return my seatback and tray table to their original upright positions? Fine, who’s going to return this guy in the “grateful dead” t-shirt and the “fuck you” hat to his original upright position? About this time, they tell you “you’ll be landing shortly…” that sound to you like we’re gonna miss the runway? “Final approach” is not very promising either is it? “Final” is not a good word to be using on an airplane. Sometimes, the pilot will get on and he’ll say “we’ll be on the ground in 15 minutes.” WELL THAT’S A LITTLE VAGUE ISN’T IT?!!! Now we’re taxiing in, she says “welcome to O’Hare International Airport…” Well how can someone who is just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she isn’t even at yet?! Doesn’t this… doesn’t this violate some fundamental law of physics?! We’re only on the ground four seconds; she’s coming on like the fucking mayor’s wife! “…where the local time…” well of course it’s the local time. What did you think we were expecting? The time in Pengo, Pengo? “…enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination might be.”… All destinations are final. That’s what it means “destiny”, “final.” If you haven’t gotten where you’re going, you aren’t there yet. “The captain has asked…” More shit from the bogus captain… you know for someone who’s supposed to be flying an airplane, he’s taking a mighty big interest in what I’m doing back here… “…that you remain seated until he has brought the aircraft to a complete stop.” Not a partial stop… cause during a partial stop, I partially get up. “Continue to observe the ‘no smoking’ sign until well inside the terminal.” It’s physically impossible to observe the “no smoking” sign even if you’re standing just outside the door of the airplane! Much less well inside the terminal; you can’t even see the FUCKING PLANES from well inside the terminal! Which brings me to “terminal”, another unfortunate word to be used in association with air travel… and they use it all over the airport don’t they? Somehow, I just can’t get hungry at a place called “The Terminal Snack Bar”. But if you’ve ever eaten there, you know it is an appropriate name. “Golf Courses for the Homeless” Speaking of places to eat and what they’re called or named, Beverly Hills has a brand new restaurant specifically for bulimia victims. It’s called “The Scarf ‘n Barf.” Well, they weren’t gonna call it “The Fork ‘n Bucket.” Thank God, good taste prevailed. How about a restaurant for anorexics? What would you call it? “The Empty Plate”, “The Lonesome Chef”, “Start Without Me Guys”… See, somehow I can’t feel sorry an anorexic you know? Rich cunt don’t wanna eat? Fuck her. Don’t eat! I ain’t give a shit! Like I’m supposed to be concerned about this—“I DON’T WANNA EAT!!!” Go fuck yourself. Why don’t you lie down in front of a railroad train right after you don’t eat? What kind of a goddamn disease is that anyway? “I DON’T WANNA EAT!!!” How do we come up with this shit in this country? Where do we get our values from? Bulimia! There’s another all-American disease. This has gotta be the only country in the world that could ever have come up with bulimia… gotta be the only country where some people are digging in the dumpster for a peach pit, other people eat a nice meal and puke it up intentionally! Where do we get our values from? I do not understand our values. By the way, speaking of American values, aren’t we about due to start bombing some small country that only has a marginally effective air force? Seems to me like we’re weeks overdue to drop high explosives helpless civilians; people who have no argument with us whatsoever. I think we ought to be out there doing what we do best gang: making large holes in other people’s countries. I hate to be repetitious but we are a war-like lot. We can’t stand it not to be fucking with somebody! We couldn’t wait for that Cold War to be over could we? Couldn’t wait for the Cold War to be over so we can go and play with our toys in the sand, go and play with our toys in the sand, and when we’re not invading some sovereign nation or setting it on fire from the air, which is more fun for our Nintendo pilots, then we’re usually declaring war on something here at home. Did you ever notice that about us? We love to declare war on things here in America. Anything we don’t like about ourselves, we declare war on it, we don’t do anything about it, we just declare war on it. It’s the only metaphor, the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems: declaring war. We have to declare a war on everything; we have a war on crime, the war on poverty, the war on litter, the war on cancer, the war on drugs, but did you ever notice we got no war on homelessness? Huh? No war on homelessness… you know why? There’s no money in that problem, no money to be made off of the homeless. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporate swine and the politicians could steal a couple of million dollars each, you’ll see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty goddamn quick, I’ll guarantee you that! I got an idea! You know what they ought to do? Give the homeless their own magazine. Give them their own magazine. It would them feel better for one thing. That’s a sure sign of making it in this country; every group in this country that arrives at a certain level has its own magazine. We have Working Mother Magazine, Black Entrepreneur Magazine, Hispanic Business Magazine, in fact, any activity; any activity engaged in by more than four people in this country has got a fucking magazine devoted to it. Skydiving, snowmobiling, backpacking, mountain climbing, bungee jumping, skeet shooting, duck hunting, jerking off, playing pool, shooting someone in the asshole with a dart gun… they probably got a fucking magazine for that! WALKING for Christ sakes… WAAALLLKKKIIINNNGGG!!!!!! There’s actually a fucking magazine called “WALKING!” “Look Dan! The new ‘Walking’ is out! Here’s a good article: ‘Putting one foot in front of the other!’” Give ‘em their own magazine. You know what you’d call a magazine for the homeless? “Better Crates and Cartons.” Yeah, then when they get finished reading it, they can use it to line their clothing. That’s a good, sound business solution isn’t it? That’s the kind of answer you get from a conservative American businessman in this country: “Yeah, let them read it. When they get finished reading, they can use it to plug up the holes in the piano crates they all seem to like to live in.” A good, sound, practical, conservative American biiizniiiz solution. I got an idea about homelessness. You know what they ought to do? Change the name of it. Change the name! It’s not homelessness, it’s houselessness! It’s houses these people need! A home is an abstract idea, a home is a setting, it’s a state of mind. These people need houses; physical, tangible structures. They need low-cost housing but where’re you gonna put it? Well that’s fine but where’re you gonna put it? Where’re you gonna put it? Nobody wants you to build low-cost housing near their house. People don’t want it near ‘em! We’ve got something in this country – you’ve heard of it – it’s called NIMBY, N-I-M-B-Y, “Not In My BackYard!” People don’t want anything, any kind of social help, located anywhere near ‘em! You try to open up a Halfway House, try to open up a drug rehab or an alcohol rehab centre, try to do a homeless shelter somewhere, try to open up a little home for some retarded people who wanna work their way into the community, people say “NOT IN MY BACKYARD!” People don’t want anything near ‘em especially if it might help somebody else; part of that great American spirited generosity we hear about—pbbt!!! Great generous American spirit! You can ask an Indian about that; ask an Indian – if you can find one… you gotta locate an Indian first; we’ve made ‘em just a little difficult to find – or if you need current data, select a black family at random, ask them how generous America has been to them. People don’t want anything near ‘em, even if it’s something they believe in, something they think society needs, like prisons! Everybody wants more prisons right? Everybody wants more prisons. People say “BUILD MORE PRISONS… …but not here.” Well why not? What’s wrong? What’s the problem? What’s wrong with having a prison in your neighbourhood? It would seem to me like it would make it a pretty crime-free area, don’t you think? You think a lot of crackheads and pimps and hookers and thieves are gonna be hanging around in front of a fucking prison?! Bullshit! They ain’t coming anywhere NEAR it!!! What’s wrong with these people? All the criminals are locked up behind the walls and if a couple of them do break out, what do you think they’re gonna do? Hang around? Check real estate trends? Bullshit! Pwwt! They’re fucking gone! That’s the whole idea of breaking out of prison is to get the fuck as far away as you possibly can! …not in my backyard… People don’t want anything near ‘em… except military bases. They don’t mind that do they? They like that. Give ‘em an army base, give ‘em a navy base, makes ‘em happy, why? Jobs! Jobs! Self-interest! Even if the base is loaded with nuclear weapons, THEY DON’T GIVE A FUCK!!! They say “well, I’ll take a little radiation if I can get a job!” Working people have been fucked over so long in this country, those are the kind of decisions they’re left to make. I’ve got just the place for low-cost housing, I have solved this problem, I know where we can build housing for the homeless: GOLF COURSES!!! Perfect! Golf courses! Just what we need! Just what we need: plenty of good land in nice neighbourhoods, land that is currently being wasted on a meaningless, mindless activity, engaged in primarily by white, well-to-do, male businessmen who use the game to get together to make deals to carve this country up a little finer among themselves. I am getting tired… really… getting… tired of these golfing cocksuckers in their green pants, and their yellow pants, and their orange pants, and their precious little hats, and their cute little golf carts! It is time to reclaim the golf courses from the wealthy and turn them over to the homeless. Golf is an arrogant, elitist game and it takes up entirely too much room in this country. It is an arrogant game on its very design alone. Just the design of the game SPEAKS of arrogance! Think of how big a golf course is… THE BALL IS THAT FUCKING BIG!!! WHAT DO THESE PIN-HEADED PRICKS NEED WITH ALL THAT LAND?!!! There are over 17,000 golf courses in America, they average over 150 acres apiece, that’s 3 million plus acres, 4,820 square miles… you could build two Rhode Island’s and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist – there’s another thing; the only blacks you’ll find in country clubs are carrying trays – and a boring game… boring game for boring people. You ever watch golf on television? It’s like watching flies fuck! And-and a mindless game, mindless, think of the intellect it must take to draw pleasure from this activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick… and then… walking after it… and then… HITTING IT AGAIN!!! I SAY PICK IT UP ASSHOLE!!! YOU’RE LUCKY YOU FOUND THE FUCKING THING!!! PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET AND GO THE FUCK HOME!!! YOU’RE A WINNER!!! YOU’RE A WINNER!!! YOU FOUND IT!!! No… never happens… no… no chance of that happening; Dorko in the plaid knickers is going to hit it again and walk some more. Let these rich cocksuckers play miniature golf. Let ‘em fuck with a windmill for an hour and a half or so… see if there’s really any skill among these people. Now I know there are some people who play golf who don’t consider themselves rich… FUCK ‘EM!!! And shame on them for engaging in an arrogant, elitist pastime. Hey! Here’s another place we can put some low-cost housing: CEMETARIES!!! There’s another idea whose time has passed! Saving all the dead people up for one part of town?! What the hell kind of a medieval, superstitious, religious, bullshit idea is that?! Plough these motherfuckers up, plough into the streams and rivers of America; we need that phosphorous for farming! If we’re going to recycle, LET’S GET SERIOUS!!! “The Planet Is Fine” Thank you… I appreciate it… I appreciate that [has a sip of water]… good to have a little sip of this, the water, I assume, is still safe to drink in New York huh? [Audience reacts negatively] Actually, I gotta be fair with you; I’m only setting you up a little bit. It’s just… it’s not a trick question but it’s just a set-up cause I don’t really care about the water, to tell you the truth, I just love to hear the answer to that question. I ask that question everywhere I go. Everywhere I go, I say: “How’s the water?”… Haven’t got a positive answer yet… not one. Last year, I was in 40 states, 100 cities. Not one audience was able to say to me: “Yes, enjoy some of our fine local water! It is pure and it is good!” Of course, I know a lot of people don’t talk that way anymore but nobody trusts the local water supply. Nobody! And that amuses me, I like that, I admit I’m a bit perverted but it amuses me that no one can really trust the water anymore and the thing I like about it the most is: it means the system is beginning to collapse and everything is slowly breaking down. I enjoy chaos and disorder – not just because they help me professionally – they’re also my hobby. You see, I’m an entropy fan. When I first heard of entropy in high school science, I was attracted to it immediately. When they told me that in nature, all systems are breaking down, I thought: “What a good thing! What a good thing! Perhaps I can make some small contribution in this area myself.” And of course, it’s not just in nature, in this country, the whole social structure… just beginning to collapse, you watch; just beginning now to come apart at the edges and the seams and the thing I like about that is that it means it makes the news on television more interesting, makes the television news more exciting, makes it more fun. I watch television news for one thing and one thing only: entertainment! That’s all I want from the news: entertainment! You know my favourite thing on television? Bad news! Bad news and disasters and accidents and catastrophes. I wanna see some explosions and fires! I wanna see shit blowing up and bodies flying around! I’m not interested in the budget; I don’t care about tax negotiations; I don’t wanna know what country the fucking Pope is in! But you show me a hospital that’s on fire and people on crutches are jumping off the roof and I’M A HAPPY GUY!!! I’M A HAPPY GUY!!! I’M A HAPPY GUY!!! I wanna see a paint factory blowing up! I wanna see an oil refinery explode! I wanna see a tornado hit a church on Sunday! I wanna see people— I wanna know there’s some guy running through the K-Mart with an automatic weapon firing at the clerks! I wanna see thousands of people in the street killing policemen! I wanna hear about a nuclear meltdown! I wanna know the stock market dropped 2000 points in one day! I wanna see people under pressure! Sirens, flames, smoke, bodies, graves being filled, parents weeping… exciting shit! My kind of TV! I just want some entertainment! It’s just the kind of guy I am! It’s the kind of guy I am! You know what I love the most? When big chunks of concrete and fiery wood are falling out the sky and people are running around trying to get out of the way! Exciting shit! That’s why I watch auto-racing. That’s the only reason I watch auto-racing: I’m waiting for some ACCIDENTS man!!! I wanna see some cars on fire! I don’t care about a bunch of redneck jackoffs driving 500 miles in a circle! 500 miles in a circle? Children can do that for Christ sakes! Doesn’t impress me! I wanna see some schmuck with his hair on fire running around punching his own head trying to put it out! I wanna see the pits explode! I wanna see a car doing a 200mph cartwheel! Hey, where else besides auto-racing am I gonna see a 23 car collision and not be in the son of a bitch?! And if a car flies out of control, lands in the stands and kills 50 spectators, FINE, FUCK ‘EM!!! Serves ‘em right; they paid to get in, let ‘em take their chances with everybody else! Just means more fun for me! More fun for me! Hey, at least I admit it. At least I admit it. Most people won’t admit to those feelings. Most people see something like that on television, they’ll say: “Oh isn’t that awful? Isn’t that too bad?” Pbbt! Lying asshole! Lying assholes! You love it and you KNOW it! EXPLOSIONS ARE FUN!!! And hey, the closer the explosion is to your house, the more fun it is! Did you ever notice that? Sometimes, you have the TV on and you’re working around the house, some guy comes on television and says: “6,000 people were killed in an explosion today…” You say: “Where?! Where?!” He says: “…in Pakistan.” You say: “Aww fuck Pakistan! Too far away to be any fun!” But if he says it happened in your hometown, you’ll say: “WHOA!!! HOT SHIT!!! COME ON DAVE; LET’S GO LOOK AT THE BODIES!!! LET’S GO LOOK AT THE BODIES!!!” I love bad news! I love bad news! Hey, the more bad news there is, the faster this system collapses. Fine by me! Fine by me! Don’t bother my ass! Don’t bother my ass none! I’m glad the water sucks. I’m glad it sucks. You know what I do about it? I drink it! Unless… unless it really smells, if it really smells a lot like sulphur, then I might buy a soda. But it’s gotta be a soda loaded with chemical additives! I like a lot of chemical additives in the things I eat and drink! See, I’m not one of these people who’s worried about everything. You got people like this around you? Countries full of them now: people walking around all day long, every minute of the day, worried… about everything! Worried about the air; worried about the water; worried about the soil; worried about insecticides, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens; worried about radon gas; worried about asbestos; worried about saving endangered species. Let me tell you about endangered species all right? Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant attempt by humans to control nature. It’s arrogant meddling; it’s what got us in trouble in the first place. Doesn’t anybody understand that? Interfering with nature. Over 90% – over, WAY over – 90% of all the species that have ever lived on this planet, ever lived, are gone! Pwwt! They’re extinct! We didn’t kill them all, they just disappeared. That’s what nature does. They disappear these days at the rate of 25 a day and I mean regardless of our behaviour. Irrespective of how we act on this planet, 25 species that were here today will be gone tomorrow. Let them go gracefully. Leave nature alone. Haven’t we done enough? We’re so self-important, so self-important. Everybody’s gonna save something now: “Save the trees! Save the bees! Save the whales! Save those snails!” and the greatest arrogance of all: “Save the planet!” What?! Are these fucking people kidding me?! Save the planet?! We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet! We haven’t learned how to care for one another and we’re gonna save the fucking planet?! I’m getting tired of that shit! I’m getting tired of that shit! I’m tired of fucking Earth Day! I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalists; these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren’t enough bicycle paths! People trying to make the world safe for their Volvo’s! Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet. They don’t care about the planet; not in the abstract they don’t. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live; their own habitat. They’re worried that someday in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me. Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet… nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine… the people are fucked! Difference! The planet is fine! Compared to the people, THE PLANET IS DOING GREAT: Been here four and a half billion years! Do you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years, we’ve been here what? 100,000? Maybe 200,000? And we’ve only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over 200 years. 200 years versus four and a half billion and we have the conceit to think that somehow, we’re a threat? That somehow, we’re going to put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that’s just a-floatin’ around the sun? The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us: been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drifts, solar flares, sunspots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles, hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages, and we think some plastic bags and aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isn’t going anywhere… we are! We’re going away! Pack your shit folks! We’re going away and we won’t leave much of a trace either, thank God for that… maybe a little styrofoam… maybe… little styrofoam. The planet will be here, we’ll be long gone; just another failed mutation; just another closed-end biological mistake; an evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas, a surface nuisance. You wanna know how the planet’s doing? Ask those people in Pompeii who are frozen into position from volcanic ash how the planet’s doing. Wanna know if the planet’s all right? Ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. How about those people in Kilauea, Hawaii who build their homes right next to an active volcano and then wonder why they have lava in the living room? The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed, and if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: The Earth plus Plastic. The Earth doesn’t share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the Earth! The Earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the Earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place: it wanted plastic for itself, didn’t know how to make it, needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old philosophical question: “Why are we here?” PLASTIC!!! ASSHOLES!!! So the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now, and I think that’s really started already, don’t you? I mean, to be fair, the planet probably sees us as a mild threat; something to be dealt with, and I’m sure the planet will defend itself in the manner of a large organism. Like a beehive or an ant colony can muster a defence, I’m sure the planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet trying to defend against this pesky, troublesome species? Let’s see… what might… hmm… viruses! Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And uh… viruses are tricky; always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps this first virus could be one that-that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along and maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction. Well that’s a poetic note and it’s a start and I can dream can I? See, I don’t worry about the little things… bees, trees, whales, snails. I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we won’t ever understand, a higher order. Call it what you want. You know what I call it? The big electron… the big electron. [Imitates electronic hum] It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is and so are we… for a little while… Thanks for being here with me for a little while tonight. Thank you, thank you very much, thank you! Thank you! Thank you New York City! Take care of yourself! Take care of yourself and somebody else! Thank you! Good night!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

LOUIS C.K.: 2017 – Full transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-2017-full-transcript/

Louis C.K Netflix special filmed in Washington D.C. and premiered April 4, 2017 Go ahead and do the lights. [audience cheering] Go ahead. Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K. [audience cheering] Hello. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Um… – So, you know, I think abortion is, um… – [audience laughing] I… Here’s what I think. [audience laughing] Here’s what I… This is what I think. Here’s what I think. I… I think you should not get an abortion unless you need one. [audience laughing] In which case… In which case, you’d better get one. I mean, seriously. If you need an abortion, you’d better get one. Don’t fuck around. And hurry. [audience laughing] Not getting an abortion that you need is like not taking a shit. That’s how bad that is. It’s like not taking a shit. That’s what I think. I think abortion is exactly like taking a shit. I think it is 100% the exact same thing as taking a shit. Or it isn’t. [audience laughing] It is, or it isn’t. It’s either taking a shit, or it’s killing a baby. [audience laughing] It’s only one of those two things. It’s no other things. If you didn’t like hearing it’s like taking a shit, you think it’s killing a baby. That’s the only other one you get to have. Which means you should be holding a sign in front of the place. [audience laughing] People hate abortion protesters. They’re so shrill and awful. They think babies are being murdered. What are they supposed to be like? “Uh, that’s not cool.” I don’t wanna be a dick about it, though. I don’t want to ruin their day as they murder several babies all the time. I don’t think it’s killing a baby. I don’t. I mean, it is, it’s a little bit… It’s a little bit killing a baby. It’s a little bit… It’s 100% killing a baby. It’s totally killing a whole baby. [audience laughing] But I think that women should be allowed to kill babies. That’s what I think. They should be allowed to kill babies. Yeah. [Laughs] [crowd cheering] Whoo! We get to kill babies! Let’s do some shots and kill some babies. [audience laughing] I killed like four babies last night. It was fucking retarded. It has to be one or the other. You know, like, when people say, abortion should be legal, safe and rare. Why rare if it should be legal? If it should be legal, it’s… [blows raspberry] It’s shitting. If it should be rare, it’s murdering babies. But, again, women should be allowed because… Two reasons I think women should be allowed to kill babies. Number one, I don’t think life is that important. It’s just not. It is not. [audience cheering] People get too excited… about life. “Oh, life.” Fuck you. It’s not that… Make a list of every shitty thing ever, that’s in life. [audience laughing] Life is okay. I like life. I like it. I don’t need it. I’d be fine without it. I like life, though. I do. You know how much I like life? I have never killed myself. – That’s how much I like it. – [woman] Whoo! That’s exactly how much I like it, with a razor-thin margin. I like it precisely enough to not kill myself. It’s an option, though. It’s totally an option. I mean, I’m 49. I have two kids. I’ve flipped through the brochure a few times. [audience laughing] I’ve thought of killing myself just to win an argument. [audience laughing] Not supposed to talk about suicide, even to your shrink. You ever go to a shrink and they’re like, “Have you had thoughts… of suicide?” And you’re like, “No, because if I say yes, you’ll press a button”, and folks will run in and hold me… “Hold him down!” You should talk about it. The whole world is just made of people who didn’t kill themselves today. That’s who’s here. It’s all of us that went, “Okay, fuck it, keep doing it.” [audience laughing] [audience applauding] It’s… [audience cheering] It’s an interesting thing about life. Life can get very difficult, very sad, very upsetting. But you don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do anything. You never have to do anything because you can kill yourself. [audience laughing] If they send you a letter from Motor Vehicles, come in and: “No, I don’t. I’ll kill myself.” You can do that. You can do that once. But you can do it. It’s interesting because even when life gets bad, people choose it over nothing. Even the worst versions of life, even a shitty, shitty life, is worth living, apparently. ‘Cause folks are living the fuck out of them. [audience laughing] Have you ever seen somebody, you’re like, “He should kill himself. Why did he not… that dude…” Ever been driving and you look in the next car, you’re like, “Ugh, shit.” I wish I hadn’t looked in that car. That was difficult to glance at… “let alone being it.” Just a guy in a… In a tan car. [audience laughing] Nobody chooses tan. [audience laughing] Nobody picks tan for their car. They give you tan. [audience laughing] “Is that mine?” “Yeah, it’s yours, fucking loser. Made it tan.” They shouldn’t even make tan cars. It’s mean to make them. You look over, you see a guy in a tan car with dents all over it and a garbage bag for a window. [mimicking bag flapping] What is holding up his suicide? – [audience laughing] – What is delaying it? What is keeping him from stopping being that? [audience laughing] And what would it take? What would it take? What would it take? Both windows are garbage bags? Is that…? [audience laughing] Seriously, do you know how much misery is involved in a garbage bag for a window? Do you know how many separate moments of shit misery? “They canceled my insurance. I broke my window. Duct tape.” [ripping noise] Here’s the truth. Running away will not solve your problems. That’s totally true. But killing yourself solves all your problems. It actually does. It even solves world’s problems. For you. “Hey, what about ISIS?” “Kill yourself.” [audience laughing] “Then they’ll never get you.” [audience laughing] Seriously, if everybody who’s afraid of ISIS kills themselves right now, then ISIS loses. [audience laughing] Because they live in a world of people that don’t give a shit. “We’re gonna cut his head off!” “Yeah, okay.” “It’s not fun now.” [audience laughing] I think the worst part of being beheaded… – If… – [audience laughing] The worst thing about being beheaded is that you look really dumb right after. That’s the worst part. They go like that, and you’re like: “Duh.” [shouting] Just that fucking dopey… I don’t think they like beheading bald people ’cause they can’t do this… That’s the best part. They got to go like this. [audience laughing] It’s not as cool. So, just shave the top of your head, and you won’t have to worry about it. So, that’s the first reason. That’s the first reason I think women should be allowed to kill babies. [audience laughing] ‘Cause life is not so important. The second reason is because that’s their job. Women have to decide who lives and dies. That’s because they’re the female of the species. In the reproductive arena, that’s what the female does. They are the selectors. They have to decide this. We give them this responsibility when we fuck them. We go, “Here, you decide what to do with this shit.” [audience laughing] See you later. She has to figure out if you should have kids, if she should have them. That’s her job. Because women have judgment. They have judgment. Men don’t have judgment. Men have intent. Men just want to spray the world with their cum, just mist. “More of me.” [mimicking explosions] “More of me.” [continues mimicking explosion] It’s her job to go, “That’s enough of you, I think. No, that’s really enough.” [audience cheering] I don’t think that face needs to repeat. I’ve seen your father, and it’s not getting better. She doesn’t realize this until after you fuck her. That’s actually when she really knows, is when you’re like, “Yeah!” And she’s like, “I’m not having this piece of shit’s baby.” [audience laughing] And that’s why abortion is the last line of defense against shitty people in the species. So, we need them to abort every shitty baby. [audience cheering] I mean, all animals do this. Animals do it late. They have the baby. Then they’re like, “You know what? It’s cold. I’m gonna eat this one.” [audience laughing] “But when is it okay? When should they be allowed?” When it’s in their pussy. That whole time. It’s in her pussy. If there’s a dude in your pussy, you get to kill him. I think that’s pretty fundamental. You’re allowed to kill people if they’re in your house. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] So… that’s what I think. [audience laughing] I have two kids. [chuckles] I try to be a better person around my kids. I try to change my behavior around them. Like, I have rules in my house, they all apply to me. Like, I have a rule that I don’t curse around my kids. That’s a rule. It does happen. You have a stressful moment, and you’re with your kids, so, you say something by mistake. One time I was making dinner for my kids, and I gave my daughter a bowl of soup. And I said, “Here’s your fucking soup.” [audience laughing] But, uh… You can see how that was a tough… situation. You’re supposed to teach your kids right from wrong. I don’t know, it’s confusing. Some people raise their kids religiously and that covers it. They kind of go, all this. Do that. I’m not raising my kids religiously because I don’t feel like it. Get up on a Sunday? Fuck that. Fuck that. Let your souls rot, kids. I don’t care. I’m not getting… “Daddy, who’s Jesus?” “None of your business. Go back to bed.” [audience laughing] But my kids, they’re living in the world. There’s a lot of religion in the world. You have to teach your kids. If you’re not raising them religiously, you teach them about religion. I tell my kids the same thing. I tell them that there are many religions in the world, and they’re all equal. But the Christians are the main one. That’s what I tell them. The Christians won. They’re the winners. So, act accordingly. Congratulate Christians when you meet them. Because they won the world. And it’s true. It’s true. We love to tell ourselves, like, “Every religion is exactly…” No. No, they’re not. The Christians won everything. A long time ago. If you don’t believe me, let me ask you a question. What year is it? [audience laughing] [audience applauding] I mean, come on. What year is it according to the entire human race? And why? What year is it? Anybody? Sir, just yell out the year. Thank you. 20… 2016? No, it’s 20… That’s right. It’s 2017. What is that? That’s a number. It’s not just any number. It must be a very important number. ‘Cause we’re counting to it in unison as a species. For thousands of years, we’ve been going: “One, two, three… Come on, everybody, four… “. Now, come on, Africa, five, six…” What is this number? We’re counting the days since what? Since there was ever people? Or since the sun did something? Not at all. It’s been 2017 years since what? Anybody, yell it out. [man] Christ! Yes. Christ! [audience laughing] Christ! That’s right. It’s been 2017 years since Christ! Jesus. We are counting the days since Jesus. Together. Which makes sense if you’re Christian. But what the fuck are the rest of us doing? “Jesus was here. Jesus was here. Jesus was here.” Everybody. Scientists, historians. “Jesus. Jesus.” “Jesus plus two, Jesus plus three, Jesus plus four.” Jesus plus 2017 years, four months and three days is when your license expires. [audience laughing] How is that not a win for the Christians? How is that not a complete win? That’s not a Monday off in October. That’s, “There was no time before Jesus.” And the whole world went, “Okay.” Sure.” Then somebody was like, “What about the years before him? There were billions. I mean, infinity.” “Those go backwards.” [audience laughing] “You want us to measure most of history backwards? To accommodate one religion?” Uh-huh. “All right, we’ll do it, it’s fine. We’ll do it.” The whole world. You ever watch New Year’s Eve around the world? They always show you how every country celebrates. It’s kind of cool. The first is one little island. It’s the first place that’s actually the place that it’s the year. It’s a little island in the Pacific. I forget. They do a little ceremony for New Year’s Eve every year. And they just wear grass. ‘Cause they don’t even have sticks yet. They’re in the grass age. [audience laughing] They have no clocks. But they do a dance. [chanting] “2017.” And it goes around the world, [Chinese accent] “Oh, the 2017.” [speaking gibberish] [Middle-Eastern accent] “Death to all Christians in 2017.” [audience applauding] [normal voice] The Jews are quietly keeping track. It’s really 5,766. – But that’s for us. We’re just… – [audience laughing] That’s okay. [audience cheering] We’re keeping track for when you snap out of it. It’s all right. I’ll… I’ll write yours on my check. I don’t want a problem. What about Chinese New Year? Yeah, what about Chinese New Year? All right, next time you’re doing your taxes, just write “monkey” where the year goes. [audience laughing] Just put monkey. See what happens to your funds. No. It’s 2017, year of our Lord… Jesus o’clock on the nose. And they made it up, that’s the weirdest part. They got to rename years that had already taken place. ‘Cause, you know, that’s not what those years were. You know that, right? That the year three… wasn’t the year three… during the year three. Nobody was walking around back then, “Hey, what year is it?” “It’s three.” [audience laughing] “Yeah, but I’m 28.” [audience laughing] How can I be 28… “if there’s only been three?” “Oh, well, see, you were born in BC 24.” And there’s a zero. Remember it went backwards? “Oh, shit. That was stressful. I hated those years.” What was that like? “What year is it?” “Ten.” “What year is it now?” “Nine.” What the fuck is gonna happen?! [audience laughing] So, I don’t know what to tell my kids. My kids, they wanted a dog. So, I got them a dog. I got them a dog, which was a mistake. I shouldn’t have gotten the dog. Because we rescued a dog. – We got a… we adopt… – [woman] Whoo! Yes, you must re… yes, always rescue. If you get a dog, get a rescue dog. Don’t get a puppy… from those horrible people who professionally raise dogs carefully. [audience laughing] No. You need to just get a mystery dog… [audience laughing] That’s been beaten and abused and traumatized on the streets of Puerto Rico. And can’t talk about it to anyone now. They never know. “Do you know anything about the dog?” “Uh, she’s afraid of pennies. [audience laughing] So, we think maybe somebody’s been throwing handfuls of pennies at her face. “But, otherwise, no.” So, you take this random dog and just put it in your house with your family, and watch their personality unfold. [audience laughing] This dog is insane. I’ll walk into the kitchen, and the dog is just standing there alone like this… [audience laughing] I’m like, “You all right?” Are you all right?” My kids are terrified of the dog. My daughter goes to pet the dog, dog goes like… She’s like, “Should I pet her?” “I don’t think you should ever pet our dog, honey.” I took her to the vet. I took the dog to ask her what to do. The vet said, “Listen, I think there’s something you should seriously consider.” I was like, “Please be saying to kill this dog. Please be a doctor that says the dog dies now.” But she didn’t. She said… She said, “I think you should consider Prozac… for the dog.” I was like, “Really?” She said, “Yeah, it works. It calms the dog right down.” But it’s a big decision, and you should think about it.” I said, “Put four in her asshole right now.” [audience laughing] What do I have to think about? I don’t give a shit what she’s experiencing. Fucking fix it. [audience laughing] “Give her heroin. Shoot her up.” [audience laughing] “Come on, puppy.” “Wow, your dog is really chill.” “Yeah. It only costs $400 a day to keep her like that.” [audience laughing] I didn’t always feel this way. I used to love animals. I used to worry about animals. Just animals. When I was like 20, “Are all the doggies okay everywhere? I certainly hope so.” But I’m 49, and I got two kids now. You know what happens? Your circle of concern tightens. I have four nephews. I don’t love any of them. [audience laughing] Fuck a dog. You know those ads, like the PSA on television about abused animals? They show you a dog with, like, an empty socket, and he’s like… [whines] And they’re always wet. I feel like they hose them down before they film them. [whining] And the voice comes on, “Look at these dogs.” These dogs are beaten every day. “Please send us money so that this can stop.” Are you beating up the dogs? [audience laughing] How’s my money fixing that? You see that PSA where they show you a sad man? He’s very upset, a very sad man. He’s holding a little sign, and it says, “Yeah, sure.” And he says, “This is the text that killed my daughter.” ‘Cause somebody texted, “Yeah, sure,” and ran over his kid, which is awful. Although maybe they were responding to a text that said, “Can you please kill that kid?” – [audience laughing] – And so, they just… wrote back and did it. I’m not saying that makes it better. I’m just saying we don’t have all the information. [audience laughing] My kids and I were having breakfast the other day, and we’re listening to NPR. We always listen to NPR, because we’re better than you. And… We’re listening to NPR at breakfast the other morning. There was this story where they kept using this phrase. They kept saying, “9/11 deniers.” They kept saying that. “9/11 deniers.” And my daughter was like, “What is that?” I said, “Well, it’s a group of people that think September 11th was a conspiracy.” And she said, “Oh, I thought they were saying nine 11-deniers.” [audience laughing] Yeah, she thought they meant nine people who just ain’t buying this 11 bullshit. [audience laughing] Just a small fringe group, really. There’s only nine of them. But they still got on NPR. They got on the radio because… they’re dedicated. They protest every day. They’re the nine 11-deniers. They’re outside of the White House, [shouting] “It goes, 10, 12, 13!” [audience laughing] Me and my eight friends know it! We are the nine 11-deniers. We know that 11 is a bullshit number… propagated on the people by the man. Why do we have 11? When we have 13, and 14 and 15… and 16, 17, motherfucking 18, and 19, but we do not have a one-teen. What happened to one-teen? The government took one-teen, and replaced it with some bullshit called 11. We are the nine that deny that shit. “Mr. President, give us back one-teen!” [normal voice] I don’t mean to offend any Chinese people with this stereotype. But…[shouting] “That’s right, I’m Chinese, motherfuckers.” I’m from Beijing. I lived in Shanghai. I’m Chinese-er than a motherfucker. “Chopsticks and whatnot.” Ha! [Normal voice] All right. I’m sorry. Here’s the thing… stereotypes are harmful. That’s the truth. But the voices are funny. [audience laughing] And I don’t know how to reconcile those two facts. I enjoy doing the voices. But they’re offensive. So, I do them at home. I used to do them for my kids. They liked them, didn’t know it was a race thing. They enjoyed it. “Do the friendly man.” [deep voice] “You want me to be the friendly man, little girl?” [daughter] “We love the friendly man.” [deep voice] “He loves little white girls. Let’s have some scrambled eggs.” [audience laughing] [normal voice] They grew up, and I was like, “Don’t talk about the friendly man at school.” [audience laughing] “Maybe don’t talk to your teachers about that.” My kids go to public school in New York City. – Yeah, all right. – [audience cheering] Send your kids there then. [audience laughing] Yeah, it’s good. It’s good. To teach them that that’s what life is like. The teachers amaze me because… I don’t know, the worst… Here’s the worst thing about this country, is that there’s no more noble profession than to be a public school teacher. – Please. Please, don’t. – [audience cheering] You’re not gonna like it. – [audience laughing] – You’re not gonna like where it’s going. I don’t recommend clapping at any things. You’ll regret it at the end of the thing. In a democracy, there’s no more noble contribution you can make than to teach in a public school. In this country, the people that do that, they’re fucking losers. They’re just rock-bottom fucking losers! [audience laughing] And everybody knows it, but they keep doing it. New people are teaching every day, knowing how shitty it is. They show up, tell them ahead of time. “Hi, what is this job?” And they say, “Okay, here’s what we need you to do. We need you to make children know math.” Wow. “Do they wanna know math?” “No, they don’t want to know it. You need to make them know it against their will. “While they’re exploding sexually and beating the shit out of each other.” [audience laughing] “Who are these children?” “Just whatever kids live near the building.” [audience laughing] Heh. “How much do I get paid?” “About $10 every four years.” [audience laughing] “What if I get good at it? What happens?” “Nothing. Nothing happens. Nobody notices, and you get fired, and you die alone.” “Okay, I’ll try it for 25 years.” [audience laughing] My daughter is learning about Greek mythology. And she’s asking me questions about it. She’s like, “Daddy, who’s Achilles’ mother?” I said, “I don’t fucking know. Don’t ask me that shit.” I don’t know who Achilles’ mother.” Don’t yell out if you know. “It’s Campampetes.” Nobody cares what you know. [audience laughing] She had a question about Achilles, it was interesting. I’ll tell it to you. But first, the story of Achilles real quick. Achilles was a baby. He was a Greek baby. And… he didn’t stay that way. But when he was… a Greek baby, his mother, who was a goddess, took him to the River Styx, which is at Hades, the land of the dead. And she dipped him in the water of the River Styx because there was a magical quality to that water that you would make you impervious of any harm. You couldn’t be hurt. It was like a shield, right? So, she dipped him in that water to protect him. But she held him by the heel. That’s the important detail. Held him by the heel, which is an awkward way to hold a baby. By the heel. Try holding a baby by the heel and dipping it in a river. You will never see that baby again. [audience laughing] That’s how to get rid of a baby. [Spanish accent] “I lost the baby in the water.” I was trying to wash him, and he fell in the river. I’m sorry, Miss Achilles, I lost your baby. You told me to hold him by the heel. “He slipped.” [normal voice] Because Achilles’ mother has a Mexican nanny. It’s a lesser-known character in The Iliad. Anyway… his mother, she was able to hold on, of course, because she was a goddess. She was the goddess of grip or whatever, I don’t know. And she held on. And then he was protected, except on his heel. His heel was not protected. And so that’s what we call your Achilles heel, your one vulnerable place. Everybody’s got their Achilles heel. Achilles’ Achilles heel was his heel. [audience laughing] Like, literally. Anyway, so, my daughter, here was her question. She said, “How come his mother didn’t just dip him again?” She could have just dipped him one more time… “with the other leg in there.” What does she just, like, get… You’re right there. Was there, like, a sign that says, “One dip per goddess”? You ever color an Easter egg? It’s not that complicated. You dip it, and then you hold it differently and dip it again. Smart kid. I was proud of her. But at the same time, I thought, “Who the fuck are you to judge this woman?” [audience laughing] It bothered me. ‘Cause here’s what the story of Achilles teaches me, is that, if you’re a parent, it’s never enough what you do for these motherfuckers. It’s just never enough. It’s still gonna be your fault. How much more do you want from a mother? She dipped her kid in magic water and protected % of his body. Is any of it up to him? He could have just wore a big shoe and be careful. But he goes out in sandals, fucking flip flops. [audience laughing] And a sword, and fights the whole planet. “I’m Achilles ’cause my mother dipped me.” [audience laughing] Finally, somebody got him in the heel, and he’s like, “Mom!” [audience laughing] “Thanks a lot, Mom.” “What’s wrong, Achilles?” “My mom didn’t dip my heel. She’s so stupid. She ruined it.” Fuck you, Achilles, you Greek dick. [audience laughing] I hate the way people talk about their mothers. I was watching a football game, and this guy scored a bunch of shit, whatever, and they were excited. So, they asked him about it afterwards. And the football player said, “My mom died last year, but I know she was watching my game from heaven tonight.” And I wanted to be there to say, “Leave your mother alone.” How dare you. “She’s dead.” I mean, when are you done with your fucking kids? When are you finished with your fucking kids? Even after you’re dead, you still have to go to their fucking games and shit? [audience laughing, applauding] Leave your mother alone. She did her job. She raised you, and it killed her. [audience laughing] Let her enjoy heaven. Don’t you want your mother to enjoy heaven? Isn’t that what you want? Your mom to be just in heaven. Whee! This poor woman. Angels were like, “We’re having a party. You want to come with us?” “I can’t. I got to watch my son’s game.” He’ll be very upset. “Okay, go… He can’t fucking hear me. Why am I doing this?” I just think when people die, it means they did their jobs. And you should forget them. That’s what I think. ‘Cause it’s unfair what we put on dead people. “Are you watching over me?” “Yes, I’m watching all of it.” You know like an old… When you see an old couple, they’ve been married for, like, 60 years? You know that story? Everybody loves that. The people that always get applause based on the math of their lives. “How long you been married?” “Sixty years.” Aw. Aw. [Shouts] Isn’t that automatically wonderful? How do you know? You just know how long it’s been. [old lady] For years, every morning, he tells me I’m a piece of shit. [audience laughing] [normal voice] Let’s just say this is a happy couple, okay? They love each other. They’ve been married for 60 years. That’s longer than most people wanna be alive. And they’ve been together that long. And now they’re just an old couple. And they just walk together. You know when you see two people… They don’t need anybody else, just the two of them. This is both of them. They just walk. They always walk somewhere, nobody walks there. There’s trash. [whooshing] There’s trucks. [roars] He’s wearing a suit that is not a color. [audience laughing] She’s wearing a dress that’s like a triangle, like a kid drew it. It’s just, fucking, a dress with fruit on it. Nobody cares. And they just walk every day. [groans] [old lady] It’s cold. [old man] Yeah, it’s cold. [old lady] You want to go to the store and get a cracker? [old man] Yeah, let’s get a cracker at the store. [old lady] Yeah. [muttering] [normal voice] And then one day, usually he dies first. They’re walking, and he goes… [grunts] [grunts] And she says, “Richard!” [grunts] “Richard!” [grunts] And he dies. So, now it’s just her. Just Rose. And she’s alone. And now she just stands in their house. Somebody goes to get Rose ’cause there’s a wedding. “Come on, Rose. Nadine’s getting married.” Nadine… It doesn’t matter, just fucking come on. [audience laughing] Come on. Fucking come on. “Fuck!” Just want to push her from beh… She lives ten more years. Ten years after Richard dies. And then ten years later, now she’s laying in a bed. She’s dying. Somebody’s there with her, on their phone. [audience laughing] [grunts] So, Rose is dying, and she says: [Old lady] “Well, at least now I get to be with my Richard… forever.” [normal voice] Where did she get that idea? Where did that come from? I’ve looked it up. No religion teaches that when you die, you get to ruin heaven for your dead spouse. [audience laughing] Why is that fair? Who gets… Richard’s been dead for ten years. He’s been in heaven for ten years. And somebody comes up to him, “Hey, your wife is coming.” [audience laughing] “What?” “Excuse me. What did you just walk up and say to me just now?” [audience laughing] “Yeah, Rose just died. She’ll be here in about 20 minutes.” They’ve just got to hose her down and tape the wings on. “And then you’re gonna be together forever.” [sighs] “Wait a minute. Fuck.” You said this was heaven. Why is this… I have a girlfriend here now. I don’t wanna fucking… “She’s the love of your life.” “She’s not the love of my death, motherfucker.” [audience laughing] That’s marriage. Marriage is a big deal. Marriage is a big deal. I went to a wedding the other day. I went to a gay wedding. I’ve been to a lot of gay weddings, which is not true. [audience laughing] It’s not true at all. But… I did go to one. But I don’t go to weddings, generally, because I don’t like them. I hate it. Don’t invite me. Really. I think it’s rude to invite people to your wedding. I do. Nobody’s happy to get that shit. You make it all pretty. And they’re like, “Aw, fuck! This is gonna suck!” “Here’s a helpful list of places to stay…” “Oh, great. I get to live in a La Quinta…” [audience laughing] In Reading, Pennsylvania for three days… “because you want to get married for a couple of years.” [audience laughing] Nobody wants to watch you start your shitty thing. Nobody wants to see it. Everybody’s in a shitty thing. That’s what it is to be with somebody. You’re either alone, or you’re in a shitty thing. That covers 100% of human beings. I can see there’s young couples here. You’re like, “No, we’re in a good one…” It’s really good.” “Yeah, fuck you. Who do you think you are?” It just didn’t get shitty yet. So arrogant.” “Yeah, I think we figured it out.” “No… Yeah, you’re the first ones.” [audience laughing] Of course it’s going to get shitty. That’s part of it. It’s like going to a horror movie, and in the first minute, you’re like, “I think they’re all gonna be fine.” [audience laughing] No, they’re all gonna die. And you’re gonna hate the person you love right now. That’s the way it works. Love plus time minus distance equals hate. That’s just the way it goes. I’m not saying don’t do it. You should do it. It’s the best thing. It’s the best part of life, love is. But don’t be greedy and expect it to last. Don’t be amazed that a butterfly died ’cause you shot it in the face. [audience laughing] Just fall in love, make a fucking mess. It goes shitty, you don’t realize it until too late. And then you cry a lot and move on. It’s the best part of life. It is. I’ve always loved love. It’s always been my favorite part of life is meeting somebody and going, “Oh, shit!” “That person!” That’s the best feeling. Now, why the fuck would that just, “Oh, yeah! For years, for our whole lives, just, aw, yeah!” That’s insane to expect that. It’s a little thing you get to catch. And then it rots and dies. That’s just the way it goes. It’s like if you see a person in the park making bubbles with a big wand with soap. And sometimes they make a really big one, and everybody goes, “Oh, yeah!” Shit. Okay, that’s all.” [audience laughing] You don’t stand over it, “Liar!” You don’t get mad at the soap stain. It gets so shitty, man. It does. [groaning] Whoo! All the little intricate parts. Like, I was in an e-mail fight recently. You ever been in an e-mail fight? Some of you are in an e-mail fight right now. You know, an e-mail fight. Not a text fight. A text fight is like, “Fuck you.” Boop! “Yeah, fuck you.” Byew. “Dick.” Boop! “Asshole.” Byew. That’s a text fight. An e-mail fight is like, “In June when I told you that I had this issue”, I was very disappointed in the way you didn’t listen.” [audience laughing] You know, those e-mails, you just work on it all night. Like it’s the closing argument to a murder case. It’s so important, your fucking e-mail. You’re pounding it out like Beethoven, and you’re pouring water on your head, and going deaf and still working on it. And then you send it somebody. “Can you read this and tell me if it’s fair what I wrote? Start at the bottom.” And they write back, “I made a few changes.” “Oh, thank you. That really captures my voice. And yet…” You send it to somebody else, they’re like: “I would take out ‘Eat shit, fuck face, ‘ because it clouds your better points.” And you’re like, “Fuck you, I’m going to keep it.” And then finally, you send it. [mimics rocket] And you’re like, “Hmm.” And then you feel really good. “I finally said it. Finally.” And you have this fantasy that they’re at home reading it right now going… [gasping] I’m wrong about all of the things. [audience laughing] During the day, they haven’t written back yet, and you know it’s ’cause you just bewitched them. And you decide, “I’m going to read my e-mail.” “I’m going to read the e-mail that I wrote.” Is there any more disgusting modern human behavior than reading your own already sent e-mails? Is there any more scratching your asshole and smelling your finger than that? [audience applauding] I do it all the time. [audience laughing] So, that’s what I did. I was in an e-mail fight. And… And I looked in the sent folder, where it’s all… That’s it. It’s in stone. You can’t change that anymore. I realized I left something there by mistake. I left something at the top of the e-mail by mistake. And it said, “This is my latest draft. What do you think?” [audience laughing] So, now the rest of it is just shit. It’s shit now! ‘Cause she knows I have a writing staff and a focus group. There should be credits at the end of this fucking e-mail. Approved by mother and sister. I don’t know. Love is worth it, though. It really is. It’s worth it. It is. I mean, I’ve always been… I’ve always pursued love my whole life. Even when I was a kid, I loved girls. I loved them. And there was all… When I was 12, I discovered that girls are the greatest thing. I would ask them out. That’s what I did. I walked up and asked them out. I had no fear. I’d go up to any girl I liked, “You want to go out with me?” And she was like, “No!” You weren’t supposed to do that. You weren’t supposed to ask her out. There was a system. My daughters told me it still works this way in school. There’s a thing where the boy asks his friend to ask her friend to ask her what she would say… if he asked her out. How do children just know this… Elizabethan parlor thing? [audience laughing] Twelve-year-old boy. [British accent] “Please inquire after her maiden friend.” [audience laughing] Were I to request her presence… “what might be her answer?” [woman] “Indeed, my lady would enjoy… your company, sir”, were you to make your desires known.” [man] “That is well.” “May I finger her?” [audience laughing] [woman] “You are bold, sir.” [audience laughing] “And finger her, you may.” [audience laughing] [man] “And finger her, I shall.” [audience laughing] [crowd cheering] [normal voice] Anyway, I didn’t do any of that myself. I just would just ask them out. They always said no. Girls said no to me. Until Rachel. Rachel was the first girl who said yes. I asked her to the dance in eighth grade, and she said yes. Happiest moment of my life, even to now. I never beat it. Anyway, Rachel said, “Yes, I’ll go to the dance with you.” So, we went to the dance. I was 13. It was my first time with a girl. About five minutes into the dance, she comes to me and she says, “Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?” I was like, “Okay.” ‘Cause what other moves did I have… at 13? What else are you gonna say? “Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?” “Yeah, I do. I mind very much.” What the fuck do you think this is, Rachel? [audience laughing] You know what? Get your shit. We’re leaving right now. “Shut the fuck up, Rachel. I swear to God.” I didn’t have any of those tools. [audience laughing] So, I said, “Okay,” and she danced with Jeff. And made out with Jeff and left with Jeff. That was it. And I learned… That guy Jeff… this is a true story. That guy Jeff, he’s a woman now. That’s what happened. It’s true. I was looking up on Facebook people from my past, and he’s a woman. And she has a whole blog on Facebook about becoming a woman. I was up all night reading it. I was crying. It was amazing. I was like, “This is incredible.” And then at the end, there’s a picture of her with hair. And she says, “I didn’t change. I knew what I was all along.” I knew I was a girl since I was 6 years old.” And I read that, and I thought, “Why did you take my fucking date then?” [audience laughing] You knew? You piece of shit! Fuck you, Jeff! [audience laughing] Fuck you and your journey. I don’t give a shit now. Hooray for transgender, but fuck you, because you’re just an asshole. “Who became a cunt. That’s what happened.” [audience laughing and cheering] I envy transgender people, though. I do. It’s a tough road, but I envy them on this level that they figured out what’s going on with them, and they fixed it. What an amazing gift, to know what the fuck is wrong with you. Who else gets to have that? It’s just a mushy, I don’t fucking have any idea! I would give a million dollars to just wake up, “Oh, I’m an owl. That’s what the thing is.” [audience laughing] “I’ve just got to blink slow and eat a mouse.” [chuckles] ‘Cause life is very confusing. Even I’m 49 years old, and I haven’t found a cruising altitude to my identity. I’m still fucking confused. I get new feelings, and they upset me. I don’t like new feelings. I want to know what I like and get it and just die. That’s what I want to do at this point. Like I have a weird relationship with this movie that’s on cable sometimes. It’s called Magic Mike. You ever seen this movie? Magic Mike. [women cheer] For those of you who are watching this on video many years from now, Magic Mike was a movie about male strippers starring Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum. [women] Whoo! [laughs] It was a very different country when it was made from whenever you’re watching. But anyway… [audience laughing] We had a whole other thing going on. This building’s not here anymore. [audience laughing] But… You’re watching it on a dusty thing, and it’s all rubble. And you’re watching this. I don’t know why you’re watching this out of everything. But when things were real easy, we made movies like Magic Mike. It’s just a nice movie about men who strip. And every time I’m flipping around and it comes on, I always stop. And then I play a little game of chicken with this movie. [audience laughing] I stop because it’s a good movie. It’s well made, directed by Steven Soderbergh, good director. And so I get into it, I get into the story, and then they start stripping. And then I start having all these feelings. My face gets a little hot. At first, I just get hostile for no reason. I just… fucking… fucking… [scoffs] But then there’s one part of the movie that I like. I have a favorite part… of Magic Mike, so, I always stick around for that part. It’s the part where Matthew McConaughey, he’s wearing leather pants, no shirt. And he goes, [McConaughey] “The law says you cannot touch. But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there.” [audience laughing] [normal voice] Like, just that… It’s, like, perfect. Just the way it rolls out of him. [McConaughey] “I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there.” [normal voice] I just really like that. I like it. When the movie comes on, I’m always like, “Let’s get to where he says that.” And then he says it, and I’m like, “Fucking good, that’s really good.” [audience laughing] I like it a lot. Here’s how much I like it. I don’t do impressions, and I kind of nail that one because I think about it all the time. [audience laughing] I’m walking around my house, like, [McConaughey] “The law says you can’t touch.” [crowd laughing] “The law says you can’t touch.” [normal voice] Then I go up to my dog, [McConaughey] “But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers right here.” [normal voice] I like that part. After he says it, all these strippers come in. Matthew McConaughey and all these strippers. Channing Tatum comes out, fucking… [audience laughing] And then I go, like, “Fuck!” And then I have to stop. I’m starting to get a feeling. [audience laughing] I’m starting to get, like, a feeling. It’s not a boner. It’s not a boner. But I can feel my dick starting to turn over a little bit. Just starting to… You know when you can feel your dick kind of unfold? [audience laughing] It’s like a pool toy that’s been blowing up for a while. The wrinkles are starting to come out. It’s taking shape. [audience laughing] Just that early… My dick’s just waking up. [Yawns] What are you guys doing here? [audience laughing] I’ve never watched the whole movie. I’ve never seen Magic Mike in its entirety. Because I don’t wanna see it. I don’t wanna see the end of Magic Mike. I know what the end of Magic Mike is. I’m pretty sure that the end of Magic Mike is that I’m gay. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] I’m pretty sure that’s how it ends. I don’t want to see the ending. I want to stay like this. You know why? ‘Cause I’m 49 years old. I don’t want to enter the gay community now. This is not the version of me that’s gonna have an awesome time as the new gay guy. So, fuck that. And that’s my right, by the way. Because that’s about me. That is my life. I’d never discriminate against another person for being gay. I wouldn’t dream of it. But I have every right to oppress and discriminate against my own possible budding homosexuality. That’s mine to just violently push down. Like it’s a dude I’m trying to make blow me right now. [audience laughing] And you know, I haven’t become, like, generally attracted to men. I’m not sexually attracted to men. Just Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum. Those two guys? Fuck. Fuck, seriously. Matthew, with his, like, leathery skin. He’s like, “Hey…” Just… [groans] Fucking sexy. And Channing, kind of dumb face, like… Like, oh, shit! [groans] Fuck. I like it. But men, in general, I’m not into it. You know what I think it is? I’m only gay for the best. [audience laughing] I’m top-shelf gay. I’m not retail gay, you know what I mean? I’m not off-the-rack gay. I’m not gonna go to JC Penney’s and suck a bunch of dicks. [audience laughing] I’m going to go to Neiman Marcus and get the signature collection. Platinum dick. The best. The best dick. ‘Cause I’ll try the best anything. If it’s the best one, I’ll try it. Like, I don’t like cognac. I would never buy a bottle of Hennessy and keep it in my house. But I’ve never tried the best cognac. If somebody was like, “Would you like to try this cognac? It’s… This cognac was 500 years old 300 years ago.” [audience laughing] Like, “Yeah. Fucking give me that.” If somebody asked me to go to a Kenyan restaurant, I don’t want to go to a Kenyan restaurant. I know all the foods that I like. If somebody was like, “This is the best Kenyan restaurant.” It takes six months to get a reservation. I can get you in. They fly live turtles in. And you eat it, you bite off its screaming face while it’s alive. “And every turtle you eat is the last of his species.” [audience laughing] I can’t wait to eat that fucking turtle. I’m going to end his people with my mouth. The best, I’ll try it. If somebody was like, “We have a guy here, he has the best dick.” The best dick ever. His dick has been soaking in olive oil since he was five years old. [audience laughing] We’ve been feeding him nothing but butter and penises his whole life. “He has the best dick, and you can suck it right now.” “Well, let me see it.” [audience laughing] Can I see it? Can you take it out? Oh, shit. That’s beautiful. Oh, my God. That’s my favorite thing now. Fuck, I shouldn’t have looked at it. “Bring it closer. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but bring it closer, please.” [sniffs] [audience laughing] [grunting] [kisses] I think, at that point, you put it in your mouth, right? If you’re looking at the best dick ever, and you’re not sure… you wanna suck it, just put it in your mouth. And then decide. Just for like 20 seconds. [woman] Whoo! That’s a long time. That’s 20 seconds. That’s a long time to have a dick in your mouth… that you’re ambivalent about. [audience laughing] It’s 20 sec… If you have a dick in your mouth for 20 seconds, you are not deciding. Twenty seconds. This is… I’ll show you. This is 20 seconds with a dick in your mouth. [audience laughing] [audience applauding and cheering] No. [audience laughing] No. Yeah, I decided not to suck that dick… that’s been in my mouth all day. [audience laughing] I don’t like dicks. That’s why I’m not gay. That really is the reason. I hate dicks. Penises are very disgusting to me. To me. I don’t want to yuck your yum. I just think they’re gross. I always hated penises. I hated my father’s penis. I did. I did. I hated my father’s penis. When you’re a little boy, you’re gonna see your dad’s dick. If you go to a restaurant, you’re probably gonna see your dad’s dick. I should explain that, right? That sounds like I have a weird father. “All right, we’re going out to eat. Everybody take a look.” [audience laughing] No, sometimes if you go to a restaurant with your family, when it’s time to pee, you go pee with your dad if you’re a little boy. If you go to a ballgame with your dad, there was… There were never urinals. It was just a trough. And the little boys and the men stand there together. And the men are just standing there… [whooshing] And we’re down here, the little boys. And the dicks are eye-level. Just horrible, pissing dicks. In both directions, like a chorus line, just… [crying] [audience laughing] And my dad had the worst dick. He had the worst. ‘Cause my dad… First of all, my father’s Mexican. It’s true. My father is Mexican. I’m not. I’m not Mexican. My father is. Just ’cause some Mexican fucked my mom for years… doesn’t make me a Mexican. It just makes her a whore. [audience laughing] But, anyway… my dad… My father had a Mexican, Catholic, uncut, raw, organic… local, fucking free-range Mexican dick. It was just so basic. It was like a farmer’s market yam, just sticking out like a tamarindo pod. And the pee would spray out of it. I’m like, “Dad, open your dick before you pee out of it.” It’s like you’re pissing out of the corner of a pillowcase. [audience laughing] And my dad’s life is… My dad’s had a weird life. Too. When I was ten years old, my parents got divorced, and my dad turned into a Jew. I mean, he converted… to Judaism. He didn’t turn into a Jew. It’s not like my dad was like… [grumbling] [groans] He… converted… to Judaism. And I had friends who were Jewish. And I knew that they had little clipped dicks, little… little neat… And then I remembered my father’s alligator claw of a penis. [audience laughing] I really hate penises. That’s really my problem with being gay. That’s why I’m not gay. Men are fine. I’d like to have a boyfriend, that would be nice. I would. Every time I hear somebody say “my boyfriend,” I’m always like, “I want a boyfriend.” Why can’t I have a boyfriend? I’d like to have a big, tall boyfriend. That’s my boyfriend. I’m mad at my boyfriend. [audience laughing] I get to wear his jacket. It’s all big on me. I’m like, “This is my boyfriend’s jacket.” “I feel safe.” I know I would like it. I would like to have a big dude in my life. Comes up behind me like this. I’m like, “Hi.” [audience laughing] Like, I know that would be nice. But in order to get all those parts, you have to have a fucking cock shoved up your asshole. Like a hard dick ramming in your… Ow! “Oh, fuck.” Oh. “I just wanted to wear your jacket.” [audience laughing] Thanks a lot, you guys. You were great. Thank you very, very much. [audience cheering] [Led Zeppelin’s “Good Times Bad Times” playing] ♪ In the days of my youth I was told what it means to be a man ♪ ♪ Now I’ve reached that age ♪ ♪ I’ve tried to do all those things The best I can ♪ ♪ No matter how I try I find my way to the same old jam ♪ ♪ Good times, bad times You know I’ve had my share ♪ ♪ When my woman left home For a brown-eyed man ♪ ♪ Well, I still don’t seem to… ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Seth Meyers at the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Dinner – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/seth-meyers-2011-white-house-correspondents-dinner-transcript/

In April 2011, Saturday Night Live’s Seth Meyers hosted the star-studded White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner and he wasted no time in roasting Donald Trump and other controversial media figures. I’m Seth Meyers and I cannot thank you enough for having me tonight. Let me just say up top that this evening I’m going to be making a lot of jokes about many of the people in this room, but don’t worry, I assure you no matter how harsh the jokes they have all been vetted by the man at the top, Chinese President Hu Jin Tao. Truthfully, I’m humbled to be sitting at a table with President Obama, a man I greatly admire. It’s such an honor to perform for the leader of the world’s most powerful slash poorest country. And before I start, these were my birth certificate jokes [holds up papers] so thank you for the timing on that Mr. President. Now unusable. We were working on these jokes for months – one of my guys said ‘are you worried we’re a little heavy on birth certificate jokes; what if he releases it before the dinner?’ And I was like ‘why would he do that?! He’s not going to wait three years and then release it before the dinner.’ Who told you I had birth certificate jokes?! It was Assange, wasn’t it? Is Biden still Vice-President? Because if not I’m down to like ‘thank you and God Bless America.’ I am also honored to be performing for those of you here tonight, as well as the handful of people watching at home on C-SPAN. C-SPAN is, of course, the official network for wide-shots of empty chairs. Every time I tune into C-SPAN it looks like they just had a fire drill. C-SPAN is one unpaid electric bill away from being a radio station. People think Bin Laden is hiding in the Hindu Kush, but did you know that every day from four to five he hosts a show on C-SPAN? I’m not complaining about C-SPAN mind you; I usually work on NBC so tonight I’m thrilled to be on a network that people actually watch. In fact, the fact that I’m projected on four screens right now makes me the third highest-rated show on NBC. Comcast, of course, bought NBC this year – I’m assuming by accident. Or when Goldman Sachs cut up the network and bundled it in the lower tranche of a CDO. I figured this was the only room where that joke would work and it only kind of did. It won’t be joining me on the road. It’s so amazing to be in Washington, D.C. – all this history, all these amazing buildings – and yet here we are at the Hilton. The red carpet outside was amazing. Who are you wearing? What does it matter, I’m going into a Hilton. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy that we’re at the Hilton because no matter how I do tonight I’m earning Hilton Honors Points. You may not like these jokes, but I’ll be laughing all the way to a free breakfast. For those of you who don’t know, the White House Correspondents’ Association is an organization of journalists who cover both the White House and the President, although earlier Senator John Kyle told me that 90% of what they do is abortions. But tonight is not about our political differences, tonight is really about the after parties. I keep hearing how everyone is excited to go to the Bloomberg party. You know how I know I’m not in New York? In New York, no one is excited to go to a Bloomberg party. In New York, a Bloomberg party is five people smoking outside a bar complaining about Bloomberg. I am of course contractually obligated to attend the MSNBC party tonight. Everyone knows how the MSNBC party works – President Obama makes the Cool Aid and everyone there drinks it. Too close to my home? There are actually some unscheduled parties happening tonight and I’ve been asked to give everyone a rundown. Fox News is having a party – security is tough so make sure and bring your driver’s license and your long-form driver’s license. But if you’re blonde, don’t worry about it – just bring that dynamite smile. The New York Times party used to be free, but tonight there’s a cover, so like everyone else, I’ll probably just go to the Huffington Post party. And the Huffington Post party is asking people to go to other parties first and just steal food and drinks and bring it from there. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ariana Huffington – especially her voice. She sounds like a woman who would be sitting up in bed with a sheet wrapped around her as James Bond is walking out the door – ‘will I see you again James?’ Andrew Breitbart’s after party is going to be crazy – I mean it won’t be good, but it will be crazy. Side note I actually met James O’Keefe last night. At least I think it was James O’Keefe – it may have just been a regular pimp who hated organized labor. NPR is having a party, but I’m sure it will be pretty sedate. How wild can a party get when it’s held in accordance with Sharia Law? It’s what I was told. This has been a year of sweeping changes happening TV News. Katie Couric announced she is leaving CBS. Katie was known best for asking those tough questions like ‘name a newspaper.’ Years of hard-hitting questions and she’s going to be remembered for the one that could have doubled as a category on the Family Feud. Follow-up question: ‘name something you keep in your attic.’ Katie is just one of the many departures we’ve seen this year. NPR fired Juan Williams after he said Muslims make him nervous. So Juan is black and afraid of Muslims making him the least likely man to get a cab in New York City. MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann was suspended from his show for violating company policy by donating money to three Democratic campaigns – still, the punishment seemed rather harsh compared to the slap on the wrist Larry King got after giving a Buffalo nickel to the campaign of Chester A. Arthur. CNN replaced Larry King with Pierce Morgan this year just like the old expression ‘out with the old, in with the who?’ Rick Sanchez, you are gone, but you are forgotten. Not everyone is leaving, my friend Anderson Cooper is still over at CNN and I especially love watching him report from the field. You can always tell how much danger Anderson Cooper is in by how tight his clothing is. If he’s in the bulky yellow slicker, then it’s a Hurricane that’s still off-shore. If he’s in the khaki vest, he’s maybe in the Green Zone in Baghdad. But when he’s in the child-sized white t-shirt, bullets are flying, he’s getting punched, he’s pulling kittens out of the rubble. So what I’m saying is, if you ever see Anderson Cooper with his shirt off, turn off your television and run. MSNBC has a new slogan this year ‘lean forward’ as if the problem has been that we couldn’t hear them. Lean forward. Have you seen Hardball? Chris Matthews yells like an auctioneer in a wind tunnel. I’ve never watched Hardball and thought ‘I need to get a little closer to this.’ Now more than ever it’s clear that media is changing. New outlets are adapting to an online world. Even Bloomberg News is on Twitter, with an impressive 220,000 followers; so only 20,000 less than a Cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo. My friend and colleague from NBC Brian Williams is here tonight. Brian said he was coming because tonight has the element he most respects in an evening – cameras. I’m not saying Brian loves being on TV, but when he went to Egypt it was because he heard it was their pilot season. All joking aside, I have nothing but respect for my good friend Brian; I don’t know if everyone heard about this, but Brian landed in London to cover the Royal Wedding, only to turn back around and return to America to cover the tornadoes in Alabama. It was incredibly brave and courageous. And that is a direct quote from Brian Williams. This event tonight has grown past Washington and many Hollywood celebrities are also here tonight. John Hamm is here. Yea. John Hamm looks the way every Republican thinks they look. Zach Galifianakis is also here. Zach Galifianakis looks the way Republicans think every Democrat looks. Since we’re talking about celebrities and reality stars, we might as well talk about the 2012 Republican Candidates. Just look at the options the Republicans are kicking around – Palin, Huckabee, Gingrich, Trump. That doesn’t sound like a field of candidates. That sounds like Season 13 of Dancing with the Stars. And not the stars, the dancers. Let’s start with Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney wrote a book titled No Apologies. No apologies? When you have to proclaim ‘no apologies’ isn’t that a tacit admission you’ve made a lot of mistakes? If I come home from a trip to Vegas and the first thing I say to my girlfriend is ‘no apologies’, we’re going to have a follow-up conversation. Both Rand Paul and Ron Paul have been talking about a run in 2012, so they have something in common with my father and I, which is we’re also not going to get elected President. I, of course, would love nothing more than to see a debate between a father and son. Rebuttal: Dad you ruin everything! Tim Pawlenty is considering a run. If you look up boring in the dictionary, that’s more exciting than listening to Tim Pawlenty. Tim Pawlenty makes Al Gore look like Ru Paul. Mike Huckabee is considering a run. Mike Huckabee said the President was raised in Kenya, went to a Muslim school and hates America, but despite that, he still seems like a sweet person. So he sounds less like a Presidential Candidate and more like my Aunt. And then, of course, there’s Donald Trump. Donald Trump has been saying he will run for President as a Republican, which is surprising since I just assumed he was running as a joke. Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic because a Fox often appears on Donald Trump’s head. If you’re at the Washington Post table with Trump and you can’t finish your entree, don’t worry – the Fox will eat it. And if I can for a moment talk about the birther issue – when did we get so suspicious about where people were born? A USA Today poll last week said 38% of Americans think the President was definitely born in the US. In the same poll – in the very same poll – only 5% more said Donald Trump was definitely born in the US. Has it reached the point where Americans only think someone was born here if they saw it? I know I was born here, and I know my younger brother was born here, but when it comes to my older brother, I can only take him at his word. Gary Bewsee said recently that Donald Trump would make a great President. Of course, he said the same thing about an old rusty birdcage that he found. Donald Trump owns the Miss USA Pageant, which is great for Republicans since it will streamline their search for a Vice-President. Donald Trump said recently he has a great relationship with the blacks, but unless the blacks are a family of white people I bet he is mistaken. I like that Trump is filthy rich, but nobody told his accent. His whole life is models and gold leaf and marble columns, but he still sounds like a know-it-all down at the OTB. Mr. Trump may not be a good choice for President, but he would definitely make a great Press Secretary. How much fun would that be? ‘Kim Jun Il is a loser – his latest rally was a flop. I feel bad for Ahmadinejad – the man wears a windbreaker, he has no class. I, on the other hand, sell my own line of ties. You can find them at Macy’s in the flammable section.’ So it’s not a strong field, and who knows if they can beat you in 2012. But I tell you who could definitely beat you, Mr. President. 2008 Barack Obama. You would have loved him. [Laughter] So charismatic; so charming. Was he a little too idealistic? Maybe. But you would have loved him. I still think we all remember that Inauguration Day – the first lady was there. And may I say for as beautiful as you looked that day, you look even more beautiful tonight. Now you, on the other hand, Mr. President, have aged a little. What happened to you? When you were sworn in you looked like the guy from the Old Spice commercials. Now you look like Louis Gossett, Sr. I have never said this to anyone before, but maybe you should start smoking again. Is this the change you were talking about? Mr. President, look at your hair. If your hair gets any whiter the Tea Party is going to endorse it. Ooohh, I’m going to get an angry voice mail from Jenny Thomas in 19 years. But I believe the President would agree with me that the mood has changed a bit since the beginning of his term. At the beginning of his term, Mr. President, housewives were trying to sneak into the White House. Not anymore; now everyone’s leaving. Axelrod, Gibbs, Rahm Emmanuel. By this time next year, it will just be you and Joe Biden trying to find toner for the copy machine. And now your reelection campaign has begun. I bet it’s hard getting back into campaign mode again. You know who’s really dreading it? Wil.i.am. He’s writing down words that rhyme with debt-ceiling. [Light laughter] The Heritage Foundation projected that joke would get a standing ovation. Probably shouldn’t trust those guys. But Mr. President I truly still have confidence in you. For one, you still have the First Lady. And of course, you still have Joe Biden. What can I say about Joe Biden that hasn’t already been said incorrectly by Joe Biden? I imagine having Joe Biden as Vice-President is kind of like taking your Blue-Collar Dad to a fancy restaurant. He’s more comfortable at the Olive Garden. He talks a little too loud, he mispronounces the sauces, and you’re always tempted to lean over to the Waiter and say ‘I’m sorry about him, he’s from Scranton.’ The President and Joe Biden were not invited to the Royal Wedding and when Biden found out he immediately said to the President: ‘you, me, Wedding Crashers 2.’ I’ll book us two Amtrak tickets to London. The Vice-President loves the trains. And I assume it must have been hard for the President to tell Biden the new budget cut $1.5 Billion from high-speed rail. ‘Joe, come on in, take off your Engineer’s cap. I have some bad news about the Choo-choos.’ As he broke the news, one of the straps on Joe’s overalls, sadly drooped off his shoulder. On the subject of budgets, I would be remiss not to mention Paul Ryan. Paul Ryan introduced a budget plan that would overhaul Medicare and make deep cuts to other social and healthcare programs because he believes the American people have said loud and clear: ‘stop using my tax dollars to take care of me.’ I noticed that his approach to the budget led many to praise Paul Ryan as a serious adult. And I have to say nothing is more depressing about politics than the fact that adult is now a compliment. Adult is only a compliment to a child. ‘I’m so proud of you, you acted like an adult tonight. I’m glad I brought you to my bosses’ house for dinner. You even cut your own meat like a big boy.’ Also Congress, there are a lot of things that you want us to be impressed by that we are not impressed by. We are not impressed that you sat next to each other at the State of the Union. You know what the rest of Americans call an evening spent sitting next to another person with wildly different political views? Thanksgiving. We’re not impressed when you complained about how bills are too long to read. The Health Care bill is almost 2000 pages good. A bill that insures every person in America should be longer than The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Also while we’re at it, I don’t think you read bills anyways. I think you guys vote on bills in the same way the rest of us agree to updated terms and conditions on iTunes. Well, I should wrap it up – I’m getting the red light. Not the red light that signals I’m out of time, but the red light that signals the C-SPAN handi-cam is running low on batteries. In all seriousness I want to thank all the journalists here tonight – I couldn’t do my job if you didn’t do yours. And it’s fitting that this event happened on the same weekend as the Royal Wedding because as I was watching the festivities, I couldn’t help thinking how wonderful it is to live in a country where people don’t wear hats like that. Tonight has truly been an incredible honor for me. America is the greatest country on Earth, and at least when my speech started was still a nation that was rated AAA by Standard & Poors. Thank you and goodnight.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

GEORGE CARLIN: BACK IN TOWN (1996) – Full transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-back-town-1996-full-transcript/

Back in Town is George Carlin’s 15th album and ninth HBO special. It was also released on CD on September 17, 1996. This was also his first of many performances at the Beacon Theater in New York City “Abortion” Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren’t they? They’re all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you’re born, you’re on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you’re preborn, you’re fine; if you’re preschool, you’re fucked. Conservatives don’t give a shit about you until you reach “military age”. Then they think you are just fine. Just what they’ve been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life… pro-life… These people aren’t pro-life, they’re killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What, they’ll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it’They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don’t like them. They don’t like women.They believe a woman’s primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state. Pro-life… You don’t see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don’t see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you won’t see alot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. You know, moraly committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration, didn’t they?! They knew how to put on a fucking protest. Light yourself on FIRE!! C’mon, you moral crusaders, let’s see a little smoke. To match that fire in your belly. Here’s another question I have: how come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we’re better than chickens… See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cuz chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don’t see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen. ‘Cuz chickens are decent people. But let’s get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a fetus a human being? This seems to be the central question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn’t count them? If a fetus is a human being, how come when there’s a miscarriage they don’t have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say “we have two children and one on the way” instead of saying “we have three children?” People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it’s a continuous process. Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling, rolling along. And say you know something? Listen, you can go back further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah? Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn’t be burning all this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments. See the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man says “Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone rang and it startled me.” Fertilization. But even after the egg is fertilized, it’s still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty percent of a woman’s fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who’s had more than more than one period is a serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if they really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who’s watching cums in his pants, huh? Here’s a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinnies and Debbies, and nobody’s saying a word to the guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name. Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other Christians are against abortions, and they’re against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside! You’d think they’d make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics, when John Cardinal O’Connor of New York and some of these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they’ve raised a couple of children on minimum wage, then I’ll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. I’m sure it’ll be interesting. Enlightening, too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said “Suffer the little children come unto me”, that’s not what he was talking about! So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I say “Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important then a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no pension.” I tell them “Think of an abortion as term limits. That’s all it is. Bioligical term limits. “Sanctity of Life” But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase ‘sanctity of life’. You’ve heard that. Sanctity of life. You believe in it? Personally, I think it’s a bunch of shit. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realise that God is one of the leading causes of death. Has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians all taking turns killing each other ‘cuz God told them it was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the land, veangence is mine. Millions of dead motherfuckers. Millions of dead motherfuckers all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question. ‘You believe in God?’ ‘No.’ *Pdoom*. Dead. ‘You believe in God?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘You believe in my God? ‘No.’ *Poom*. Dead. ‘My God has a bigger dick than your God!’ Thousands of years. Thousands of years, and all the best wars, too. The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me. Hey, any time a bunch of holy people want to kill each other I’m a happy guy. But don’t be giving me all this shit about the sanctity of life. I mean, even if there were such a thing, I don’t think it’s something you can blame on God. No, you know where the sanctity of life came from? We made it up. You know why? ‘Cuz we’re alive. Self-interest. Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is sacred. You don’t see Abbott and Costello running around, talking about this shit, do you? We’re not hearing a whole lot from Musolini on the subject. What’s the latest from JFK? Not a goddamn thing. ‘Cuz JFK, Musolini and Abbott and Costello are fucking dead. They’re fucking dead. And dead people give less than a shit about the sanctity of life. Only living people care about it so the whole thing grows out of a completely biased point of view. It’s a self serving, man-made bullshit story. It’s one of these things we tell ourselves so we’ll feel noble. Life is sacred. Makes you feel noble. Well let me ask you this: if everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in? I’m having trouble with that. ‘Cuz, I mean, even with all this stuff we preach about the sanctity of life, we don’t practice it. We don’t practice it. Look at what we’d kill: Mosquitos and flies. ‘Cuz they’re pests. Lions and tigers. ‘Cuz it’s fun! Chickens and pigs. ‘Cuz we’re hungry. Pheasants and quails. ‘Cuz it’s fun. And we’re hungry. And people. We kill people… ‘Cuz they’re pests. And it’s fun! And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity of life doesn’t seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says ‘Save the tumors.’. Or ‘I brake for advanced melanoma.’. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Nothing sacred about those things. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal, huh? You know how we got it? We made the whole fucking thing up! Made it up! The same way… thank you. “Capital Punishment” The same way we made up the death penalty. We made them both up, Sanctity of life and the death penalty. Aren’t we versatile? And you know, in this country, now there are alot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid. Drug dealers aren’t afraid to die. They’re already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds. Drive-bys, gang shootings, they’re not afraid to die. Death penalty doesn’t mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die. Like… the bankers who launder the drug money. The bankers, who launder, the drug money. Forget the dealers, you want to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start executing a few of these fucking bankers. White, middle class Republican bankers. And I’m not talking about soft, American executions, like lethal injection. I’m talking about fucking crucifixion folks! Let’s bring back crucifixions. A form of capital punishment the Christians and Jews of America can really appreciate. And I’d go a little further, I’d crucify people upside-down. Like Saint Peter, feet up, head down. And naked. I’d have naked upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime on the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday Night! The Monday Night Crucifixions! You’d have people tuning in, don’t even care about Football! Wouldn’t you like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle? And I’ll guarantee you one thing. You start execut- you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross, you’re going to see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking quick. Pretty fucking quick- you won’t even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore! Now, I don’t care about capital punishment one way or another ‘cuz I know it dosn’t do anything. It doesn’t do anything, ‘cept maybe satisfy a kind of Biblical need for revenge. You know, if you read The Bible, you see that it’s full of retrebution and revenge. So really, capital punishment is kind of a religious ritual. It’s a purification right. It’s a modern sacrament. And as long as that’s true, I say, let’s liven it up a little! I honestly believe that if you make the death penalty a little more entertaining and learn to market it correctly, you just might be able to raise enough money to balance the stupid fucking budget!! Balance the stupid fucking budget!! And don’t forget, the polls show the American people want capital punishment, and they want a balanced budget. And I think even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. Just to feed this illusion that they’re really in charge. Let’s use capital punishment the same way we use sports and television in this country, to distract people and take their minds off how bad they’re being fucked by the upper one percent. Now, unfortunately, unfortunately Monday Night Football doesn’t last long enough. What we really need is year-round capital punishment on TV every night with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I’m sure as long as we’re killing people Marlboro Cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to participate! Proud to participate! Balance the stupid fucking budget!! And- and let me say this to you my interesting judaeo-christian friends. Not only- not only do I recommend crucifixions, I’d be in favor of bringing back beheadings!! Huh? Beheadings on TV, slow-motion, instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill. And fall into one of five numbered holes. Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into. And you do it in a stadium so the mob can gamble on it too. Raise a little more money. And if you want to expand the violence a little longer to sell a few more commercials, instead of using an axe, you do the beheadings with a hand saw! Hey, don’t bail out on me now, God damnit! The blood is already on our hands, all we’re talking about is a matter of degree. You want something a little more delicate, we’ll do the beheadings with an olive fork. That would be nice. And it would take a good God damn long time. There’s a lot of good things we could be doing. When’s the last time we burned someone at the stake? It’s been too long! Here’s another form of capital punishment, comes out of a nice, rich, religious tradition. Burning people at the stake. Sponsor: Britchford Charcoal. And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings. The Sunday Morning Evangelical Send Us An Offering Praise Jesus Human Bonfire! You don’t think that would get big ratings? In this sick fucking country?! Shit you’d have people skipping church to watch this stuff! And you take the money they send in and the offerings and you use it to balance the budget. What about boiling people in oil? Boy those were the days weren’t they? You get the oil going real good, you know, a nice high rolling boil. And then slowly, at the end of a rope, you lower the perpatrator headfirst into the boiling oil. Huh? You talk about fun shit! And just to encourage citizen participation, you let the mob in the stadium control the speed of the rope. Good, clean, wholesome family entertainment. The kids’ll love it. The kids’ll love it. And at the same time they’re enjoying themselves, we’re teaching then a nice, Christian moral lesson. Boiling people in oil. Sponsor: Crisco! And maybe, maybe instead of boiling all these guys every now and then you could french-fry a couple of them, you know. French-fried felons. Dip a guy in egg batter, just for a goof, you know? Kind of a Tempura thing, huh? Jeffrey Dahmer neverthought of this shit did he?! Jeffrey Dahmer, eat you heart out!! Which is an interesting thought, in and of itself! Alright, enough nostalgia, what about some modern forms of capital punishment. How about we throw a guy off the World Trade Center and whoever he lands on wins the Publisher’s Clearing House? OK something a little more sophisticated, you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him in a small room with a wolverine who’s high on angel dust. There’s one guy’s not going to be fucking with to many kids at the bus stop for a while. Here’s something really nice you could do. You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult… right into a brick wall!! Trouble is, it would be over too quick. No good for TV, you know? You’d have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row. Rapid-fire capital punishment. Fifteen catapults, while you’re shooting off one, you’re loading up the others. ‘Course every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall. Cleanliness… right next to Godliness. Alright hi-tech. I sense some of yous are waiting for hi-tech. I got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon… and stick it up a guy’s ass! A thermo-nuclear suppository! Preparation H-Bomb! You talk about fallout, huh? Woah! Or, you take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy’s dick. Yeah, a bomb, in a dick! When it goes off, the guy wouldn’t know whether he was cumming or going!! Ah! Get outta here!! I gotcha! Hey… listen… I got alot of good ideas. Balance the stupid fucking budget. “State Prison Farms” Here’s another idea. I’m going to save you a whole lot of money on prisons, but at the same time we are still going to remove from society many of our more annoying citizens. Four groups are going away permanently. First group: Violent criminals. Here’s what you do with these Emmy award winners. You take the entire state of Kansas. You move everybody out. You give them a couple of hundred dollars for their inconvinience, you know. Got to be fair. And then, you move them out, you put a big ten story electric fence around Kansas and Kansas becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals. No parole, no police, no supplies, the only thing you give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition, so they can communicate in a meaningful way. Then you put the whole thing on Cable TV. The Violence Network, VNN. And for a corporate sponsor, you get one of those companies that loves to smear it’s logo feces all over the landscape. Budweiser will jump at this shit in half a minute. Alright, next group: sex criminals. Completely incurable, you got to lock them up. You could outlaw religion and in most cities sex crimes would disappear in a couple of generations. But we don’t have time for rational solutions! Much easier to fence off another rectangular state. Rectangular states are cheaper to fence, saves the taxpayers money, you know? This time Wyoming. But only for true sex offenders. We’re not going to bother consenting adults who like to dress up in leather boy scout uniforms and smash each other in the head with ball-peen hammers while they take turns blowing their cat. There’s certainly nothing wrong with that. It’s a victimless hobby. And think of how good the cat must feel! No, we’re only going to lock up rapists and molesters. Those hopeless romantics. Who’re so full of love they can’t help getting a little of it on you. Usually on your leg. You take all of these heavy breathing fun seekers, and you stick them in Wyoming. And you let them suck, fuck, and fondle, you let them blow, chew, sniff lick whip gobble and cornhole each other, until their testicles are whistling ‘Oh Come All Ye Faithful’! And, and you turn on the cameras and you’ve got The Sperm Channel! And don’t forget our corporate sponsor, we’re going to let Budweiser put little logo patches on the rapist’s pant right here, ‘This Bud’s for you’! Alright, next group: Drug addicts and alcoholics. Not all of them, don’t get nervous. Just the ones who are making life difficult for at least one other person. And we’re not going to bother first offenders. People deserve a chance to clean up. Everyone will get… twelve chances to clean up. Alright, fifteen! Fifteen! that’s fine, and that’s it, if you can’t make it in fifteen tries, off you go *fwit* to Colorado! Colorado! The perfect- a perfect place for staying loaded. Each week, all of the illegal drugs confiscated in the United States – that the police and D.E.A. don’t keep for their own personal use – will be air-dropped into Colorado. And we’re going to turn the Coors brewery over to the beer-drinking assholes, and everyone can stay wasted wired stoned bombed hammered smashed and shitfaced round the clock on another new cable channel, Shitface Central ‘This is the real Rocky Mountain HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!!! OK I’ve saved my favorite group for last. The maniacs and crazy people. Yeah. The ones who live out where the buses don’t run. And I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he’ll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. So you can’t put them all away. You know you got to keep some of them around just for the entertainment. Like a guy who tells you the King of Sweden is using his penis as a radio transmitter to send anti-semitic lesbian meatloaf recipies to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlisch. A guy like that you want to give him his own radio show. No, the maniac farm will be reserved strictly for hopeless cases. Like a guy who gets a big tattoo on his chest of Liza Minnelli taking a shit, you know? And he tells you if he wiggles a certain way it looks like she’s wiping her ass, you know? A guy like that, you want to get him into custody as quickly as possible. Now, for the maniac farm, I think there’s no question we got to go with Utah. Utah. Easy to fence. Easy to fence. Right next to Wyoming and Colorado and Colorado is right next to Kansas, and that means all four groups of our most amusing citizens are now in one place. Except for the big fences. And I think I have another one of my really good ideas for Cable TV. Gates. Small sliding gates in the fences. Think of what you’ve got here. Think of what you’ve got. Predators, degenerates, crackheads and fruitcakes. Nine hundred miles of fence separating them. Every fifty miles you put a small sliding gate. But, the gates are only ten inches wide and they’re only open once a month… for seven seconds. And you know something? Fuck Cable, this shit has got to be on Pay-Per-View. Because, if those gates are only open seven seconds a month, you are going to have some mighty interesting people pushing and shoving to be first in line. Deeply disturbed armed cranky lunatics on drugs. You know the ones. Lot of tattoos… lot of teeth broken off at the gumline… the true face of America. And every time you open the gates, some of the more aggressive ones are going to get through. The creme de la creme. The alphas. They’re going to get through, they’re going to find each other and they’re going to cross-breed. And pretty soon you’ll have a melting pot. Child killers corpse fuckers drug zombies and full-blown wack-a-loons. Wandering the landscape in search of truth and fun. Just like now! Everyone will have guns, everyone will have drugs, and no one will be in charge. Just like now! But at least we’ll have a balanced budget. “Farting in Public” “Hey, hey, hey. Time for a few fart jokes. Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes? Question. Did ya ever have to fart on a bus or an airplane, or in some public place, but you hadn’t been farting all that day so you didn’t really know the nature of the beast. You only knew there was LOTS of it. In a situation like that, what you have to do is to release a test fart. You have to arrange to release, quietly and in a carefully controlled manner, about 10-15% of the total fart, in order to determine if those around you can handle it. Or, if in fact you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency. When releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of subterfuge, such as reaching for a magazine. “Say, is that golf digest?” That doesn’t smell too horrifying. In fact, in an odd way it’s rather pleasant. I think they oughta enjoy the rest of this baby. And it turns out to be one of those farts that’ll strip the varnish off a foot locker. A fart that could end a marriage. And everyone around you heads for the exits… even the people on the airplane, as you realize it’s time to review your fiber intake. It might not be necessary after all each morning to eat an entire wicker swingset.” “Familiar Expressions” “This next thing. This next thing is about the English language. Its about little expressions we use. The little expressions, we all use them all the time. And we never really seem to examine these expressions very carefully at all. We just sort of say these things, as if they really made sense. Like. “Legally Drunk”. Well if its legal? Whats the fuckin’ problem!? Hey! Leave my friend alone officer, he’s legally drunk!” You know you can stick it. Why do we always assume people can know where they can stick it? Suppose you don’t know, suppose your a new guy. You have absolutely no idea where to stick it. I think there ought to be a government title on “Where to Stick it”. Now that i think of it, i belive there is a government booklet like that, they send it to ya on April 15th. Undisputed Heavyweight Champion. Well if its undisputed, whats all the fighting about? It’s the quiet ones ya gotta watch. Ya know that one eh? Everytime ya see a story about a serial killer on T.V. What do they do? they bring on the neighbor. And the neighbor says “Well, he was always very quiet.” And someone in the room says “Its the quiet ones ya gotta watch. This sounds to me like a very dangerous assumption. I will bet you anything that while your watching a quiet one, a noisy one will fucking kill you! Suppose your in a bar and one guy is reading a book not bothering anybody and another is standing in the front with a machete banging on the door saying “I’LL KILL THE NEXT MOTHER FUCKER WHO COMES IN HERE!” ……who ya gonna watch? Ya goddam right. Lock em up and throw away the key. This is really stupid. Where ya gonna throw the key? Right out in front of the jail? His friends will find it! How far can you throw a key? 60. 50 feet at the most. Even if ya lay it flat on its side like that, and scale it. Waddya get? An extra 10 feet, tops. This is a stupid idea. Needs to be completely rethought. Down the tubes. Hear that one a lot, the people say “Ahhh the country is goin’ down the tubes” …..What tubes? Have you seen any tubes? Where are these tubes? And where do they go? And how come there’s more then one tube? It would seem to me, one country, one tube. What, does every state have to have its own tube now? One tube is all ya need. But a tube that big, somebody would have seen it by now. “somebody would of been like “hey, Joey, joey, look at the fuckin’ tube” Big ass fuckin’ tube ova here. Ya never hear that. Ya know why? No tubes. We don’t have tube 1. We are essentially, tubeless. Takes the cake. Ya know, say “Boy he really takes the cake”……Where? Where do ya take a cake? to the movies? Ya know where i would take a cake, down to the bakery, to see the otha cakes. And how come he takes the cake, how come he doesn’t take the pie? The pie is easier carrying then the cake. Easy as pie. Hey,wait. Cake is not too hard to carry either. Piece of cake. The greatest thing since sliced bread! So this is it, huh folks? Couple hundred thousand years, The fuckin’ pyramids for christ sake! Panama Canal! The great wall of China! Even a lava lamp. To me is greater then sliced bread. Whats so great about sliced bread? Ya got a knife, ya got a loaf of bread, SLICE THE FUCKIN’ THING! And get on with your life. Out walkin’ the streets. Ya know guy gets a parole. “Now instead of being in prison this guy is out walkin’ the streets”. How do we know? Maybe the guys home bangin’ the baby sitter. Not everyone who gets a parole is out walkin’ the fuckin’ streets. Lotta times they steal a car ya know. But we oughta be glad. Thank god he stole a car, least he’s not out walkin’ the streets. Fine and dandy. That’s an old fashion one, isn’t it, yea. Say to a guy “How are ya” “Fine and dandy” Not me, i never say that, ya know how come? Cause I’m never both of those things at the same time. Sometimes I’m fine, not dandy. Close to dandy, approaching dandy, in the vicinity of dandyhood, not quite fully dandy. Other times, i am indeed, highly dandy. However, not fine. One time, one time. 1965. August. For about an hour. I was both fine and dandy for about the same time. BUT NOBODY ASKED ME HOW I WAS! And I could of told ’em. I could of told ’em. I could of told em. I could of said to the person, Fine and Dandy. I consider it a lost opportunity. Walkin’ Papers. Ya know, guy gets fired. they say “Jeez, poor guy well they gave him his walkin’ papers today.” Did you ever get any walkin’ papers? Seriously? Believe me in my life i got fired a lot of times. You can tell. Never got any walkin’ papers. Never got a pink slip, either. Ya know what i would get? A guy would come around to my desk and say “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!” You don’t need paper for that. It’s like the riot act. The riot act. They keep tellin’ ya there gonna read that to ya. Have you heard this thing at all? Especially when your a kid, they threaten ya. “You wait till ya father comes home, hes gonna read you the riot act!” Tell him I already read it myself! And I didn’t like it either. I consider it wordy and poorly thought out. He wants to read me somethin’ how about the Gentlemens guide to the Golden Age of Blow Jobs (Golden Age of Blow Jobs… I don’t know either). More then happy. I bet you say that sometimes, don’t ya? Once in a while you say to somebody. “Ohhh I’d be more then happy to do that.” How can you be more then happy? To me this sounds like a dangerous mental condition. “We had to put Dave in the mental home. He was, whahaha, more then happy”. One more of these. In your own words. People say that to you. ya know, they did that a lot in the classroom. Or in a court room. They’ll say to ya “Tell us, in your own words”. Do you have your own words? Hey, I’m using the ones everybody else has been using. Next time they tell ya to say something in your own words say “nikwakquarndayquanfloo!” “Free-Floating Hostility” Now this next piece of material is real simple. it’s called free-floating hostility. 24 minor cultural items I’m bored with, tired of, and pissed at. So i hope you’re ready for a little random anger. People… people… PEOPLE who make quote marks in the air with their fingers. Are you tired of these people yet? He said he was “Sober”. hey lady, “EAT ME”! Budda-boom budda-bing. The next guy who says to me “budda-boom budda-bing” is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts. Budda-boom mother-fucker! You want to try budda-bing? Bad hair day. Where did this shit come from? What a superficial culture. Put on a hat and go to work you shallow cunt. It’s a good thing lewis and clark never had a bad hair day, or daniel boone huh? custer: he had a REALLY bad hair day. But he had it coming, that blond, blue-eyed, criminal fuck. What about these guys that tell you: “I heard that…”, “I heard that…”, oh you did did you? Well isn’t this exciting… what is this, a fucking hearing test? Did I wonder into a beltone commercial here? Of course you “heard” you fucking nimrod. I’m standing right next to ya… I’m going to move down here… I’m going to move a little farther away… BLOW ME! by any chance did you hear that? What about these people who tell you their needs aren’t being met? You run into this stuff? this is support-group shit, twelve-steppers. “my needs aren’t being met”. Know what i tell them? “DROP SOME OF YOUR NEEDS”. Life is a zero-sum game. What else is troubling me? Mickey Mouse’s birthday being announced on the television news as if it’s an actual event. i don’t give a shit. if i cared about mickey mouse’s birthday, I’d have memorized it years ago, and I’d send him a card: “dear mickey happy birthday love George”. I don’t do that, why? because i don’t give a shit. fuck mickey mouse. fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick, then break it off and beat him with the rest of it. i hope mickey dies. i do, i hope he god-damn dies. i hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese, and dies lonely and forgotten, behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom, in a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy’s pants. Mickey Mouse – no wonder no one in the world takes our country serious. why do we waste valuable television-time, informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent. Now let me ask you this: the two pandas in the zoo, do you care if they fuck? i don’t. why don’t they stop telling me on the news “the pandas didn’t fuck again this year”. I’m not concerned. i have no emotional stake in panda fucking, all right? if they want to they will, if not, they’ll watch the price is right. probably the only reason they’re not doing it on time is ’cause some jack-off from the environmental movement has moved into the cage with them. could you get a hard-on if some guy in a green t-shirt with a stopwatch was taking your girlfriend’s rectal temperature? leave these creatures alone! And as long as were talking about the news, i don’t want to hear anything more about sperm-egg donor, surrogate, in vetro, test-tube, biological, adoptive foster parents who want their baby back. baby jane, baby ruth, baby this, baby that, baby it’s cold outside, i don’t give a shit. leave me alone and keep it off my tv. Sick American shit. I’m also tired of hearing about “innocent victims”. this is an outmoded idea. there are no “innocent victims”. if you live on this planet, you’re guilty. period. fuck you. end of report, next case. NEXT FUCKING CASE! next case. your birth certificate is proof of guilt. And what happened in this country that now suddenly everyone is walking around with their own personal bottle of water? when did we get so thirsty in America? is everybody so dehydrated they have to have their own portable supply of fluids with them at all times? get a drink before you leave the house. Another crime against society: hyphenated names. Hey lady, pick a fucking name would you please? Pick a fucking name. “Hi I’m Emily Jericho-Fordescu”. Hi I’m George jerk-me-off-fuck-you-too. You don’t acquire personal dignity by adding a name to your name. Feminists think it’s a “radical act”. It’s not. Castrating a guy in a parking lot with a coke bottle is a radical act. Hyphenating your name is pretentious bullshit. And what is going on with all these telephone-calling plans? Mci, at&t, is this shit really necessary? When did the phone bill become life’s most critical document? In a country where you can buy cinnamon dental floss, cheese in a spray can, and eatable women’s panties, are people really breaking their balls to save nine cents on a fucking phone call? Talking to your mother once a year might not be the most pleasant thing in the world, but it should not be seen as a critical spending decision. Something else I don’t understand: motivation tapes. Motivation books. What happened here? Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated? It’s a fairly simple thing. Either you want to do something or you don’t. What’s the big mystery? Besides, if you’re motivated enough to go the store to buy a motivation book, aren’t you motivated enough to do that so you don’t need the book? Put it back. Tell the clerk “fuck you”, “I’m motivated”, “I’m going home”, “I’m going home”. And can anyone explain to me the need for one-hour photo-finishing? You just saw the fucking thing, how can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept like a little while ago? Another complaint: too many vehicles. There are some families in this country who own entirely too many vehicles. You see them on the highway in an rv but that’s not enough for them. The rv’s not enough. Behind them they’re towing a motorboat, go-cart, dune-buggy, dirt-bike, jet-ski, snowmobile, para-sail, hang-glider, windsurfing equipment, a hot air balloon, and a small two-man deep-sea diving-bell. Doesn’t anyone just take a fucking walk anymore? The only thing these people lack is a lunar excursion module. Too many choices America. It’s not healthy. Another abomination: white guys over ten years of age who wear their baseball hats backwards. Listen to me white guys. Let me tell you something. You’re never going to be as cool as black guys, it’s not going to happen… You’re white, and you’re lame. It’s a fucking law of nature. Turning your hat around and learning a complicated handshake will not make you cool. And you black guys, since you started the whole thing, I’m going to let you stay with the hats a little bit longer, but i think really, once you qualify for social security it’s time to spin that motherfucker around to the front of you all right? Yeah. Another tip. Another tip for the men. The earring. The thing with the earrings. It’s over. It’s been over for a long time. Doesn’t mean anything anymore. It was supposed to piss off the squares. The squares are wearing them now! Doesn’t mean anything. It’s just fucking jewelry, unless you have an earring with a live baby hanging from it. It’s just jewelry. And I want you to know I’m in favor of self-mutilation and personal disfigurement. I’ve always said there’s nothing like puncturing and perforating your skin in a dozen or so places in order to demonstrate your high self-esteem. When i see a young man decorating his scalp with a soldering iron i say: there’s a happy guy, thinks highly of himself. And haven’t we gone a little over-board with these colored ribbons for different causes? Every cause has it’s own colored ribbon now. Red for aids. Blue for child-abuse. Pink for breast cancer. Green for the rain forest. Purple for urban violence. I got a brown one. You know what it means? EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER! EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER! And what can we do to silence these christian athletes, who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose, not a word. You never hear them say: “Jesus made me drop the ball, the Good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage”. According to these guys Jesus is undefeated. Meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those “miracles”. And speaking of delusional people, what about a guy who hears a voice in his head which tells him to kill his entire family, so he does it. Is this the only thing a voice in the head ever tells these people to do, is to kill others? Doesn’t a voice ever tell a guy: “go take a shit on the salad bar at wendy’s”. Doesn’t a voice… doesn’t a voice tell a guy to take out his dick on the merry-go-round once in a while? Well some guys do take out their dicks on the merry-go-round, but usually it’s their own idea. Something else i can do without: after-shave and cologne, and this disgusting shit that men put on their bodies. Just what I need in the elevator, some guy standing next to me smells like a fucking pine tree. I say go home and wash you smelly prick. You smell like the urinal in a Portuguese cat-house. God-damn guys are stupid. Guys are really fucking dumb. They think they’re going to get laid with this stuff you know. Oh yeah, they put it on at home thinking: oh boy, oh boy, I’ll get laid tonight. I’ll get laid tonight. You don’t get laid with green shit that comes out of a bottle okay? The only smell that’s going to help you get laid might be your own natural scent. You have pheromones. It’s a secondary sex characteristic. people in America, they’re all nervous about sex. They want to cover it up and disguise it. Guys in Europe, they know how to live. Guy gets in an elevator over there, he smells like a pile of dog shit, those people are sophisticated! Getting pretty tired of these guys walking around in cowboy hats and cowboy boots. You ever see these jack-offs? Can’t we kill some of these motherfuckers? Walking around in a fucking cowboy hat. Grown men. It’s not even Halloween for christ-sakes. I say “hey Tex grow up and get yourself a wardrobe consistent with the century you’re living in”. Why do certain men feel the need to dress up as mythic figures? You don’t see anyone walking around in a pirate costume do you? When was the last guy you ran into who had on a viking outfit? Make-believe cowboys… the closest they ever got to a cow, is when they stopped to take a piss at an arby’s. And cam-corders: here is technology gone bezerk. Everywhere you go now, there’s some dick, some yo-yo, some putz, with a cam-corder. And he is going to tape everything. Doesn’t anyone in this country just stop and look at things anymore? Sort of take them in, maybe even remember them? Is that such a strange notion? Does experience have to be documented, and brought home, and saved on the shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Are people’s lives so bankrupt, they sit at home looking at things they already did? And these guys are so intense you know. It’s always guys, they won’t let women touch the cameras. It’s a highly technical skill. Look for a hole. Push on a button. Big skill. and they all think they’re Federico Fellini. Low-angles, zooms and pans, and it’s the same ugly three children in every god-damn shot. All the George Lucas magic in Hollywood is not going to change the unfortunate genetic configuration on the faces of these children. Keep these unfortunate youngsters out of public view. Now a lot of these cultural crimes I’ve been complaining about can be blamed on the baby-boomers. Something else I’m a little tired of hearing about, the baby-boomers. Whiney, narcissistic, self-indulgent people, with a simple philosophy: “gimme-it it’s mine”! “give-me-that it’s mine”! These people were given everything. Everything was handed to them, and they took it all. Took it all. Sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. And they stayed loaded for twenty years, and had a free ride, but now they’re staring down the barrel of middle-age burn-out, and they don’t like it. They don’t like it so they’ve turned self-righteous, and they want to make things hard on younger people. They tell them to: “abstain” from sex. “Say no” to drugs. As for the rock-n-roll, they sold that for television commercials a long time ago, so they could buy pasta-machines, and “stair-masters”, and “soybean-futures”. “Soybean-futures”. You know something? They’re cold bloodless people. It’s in their slogans. It’s in their rhetoric. “No pain no gain”, “just do it”, “life is short play hard”, “shit happens deal with it”, “get a life”. These people went from “do your own thing” to “just say no”. They went from “love is all you need” to “whoever winds up with the most toys wins”. And they went from cocaine to rogaine. And you know something? They’re still counting grams, only now it’s fat grams. And the worst of it is, the rest of us have to watch these commercials on TV for Levi’s loose-fitting jeans, and fat-ass docker pants, because these degenerate yuppie-boomer-cocksuckers couldn’t keep their hands off the croissants, and the häagen-dazs. And their big fat asses have spread all over and they have to wear fat-ass docker pants. Fuck these boomers. Fuck these yuppies. And fuck everybody now that I think about of it. Well sometimes in comedy you have to generalize. Now there’s one thing you might have noticed i don’t complain about: politicians. everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from “another reality”. They come from American parents, and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses, and American universities. And they’re elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It’s what our system produces: Garbage in. Garbage out. If you have selfish ignorant citizens… If you have selfish ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish ignorant leaders. And term-limits ain’t going to do you any good. You’re just going to wind up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So maybe… maybe… MAYBE, it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here like: “THE PUBLIC”. Yeah the public sucks. There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: “the public sucks, fuck hope”. Fuck hope. Because if it’s really just the fault of these politicians, then where are all the other bright people of conscience? Where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans ready to step in and save the nation and lead the way? We don’t have people like that in this country. Everybody’s at the mall scratching his ass, picking his nose, taking out his credit card out of a fannie-pack, and buying a pair of sneakers with lights in them. So I have solved this little political dilemma for myself in a very simple way: on election-day, I-STAY-HOME. I don’t vote. Fuck ’em. FUCK THEM. I don’t vote. Two reasons. Two reasons I don’t vote: first of all, it’s meaningless. This country was bought and sold and paid for a long time ago. The shit they shuffle around every four years doesn’t mean a fuckin’ thing. And secondly, I don’t vote ’cause I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around. I know, they say, they say: “well if you don’t vote you have no right to complain”. But where’s the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent people, and they get into office and screw everything up, well you are responsible for what they have done, YOU caused the problem, you voted them in, you have no right to complain. I on the other hand, who did not vote, WHO DID NOT VOTE. Who in fact did not even leave the house on election-day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done, and have every RIGHT to complain as loud as I want, about the mess YOU created, that I had nothing to do with. So I know that a little later on this year, you’re going to have another one of those really swell presidential elections that you like so much. You enjoy yourselves. It will be a lot of fun. I’m sure as soon as the election is over, your country will “improve” immediately. As for me, I’ll be home on that day, doing essentially the same thing as you, the only difference is, when I get finished masturbating, I’m going to have a little something to show for it folks. Thank you very much. thank you very much. Thank you everybody. See ya later.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dave Chappelle: The Age of Spin (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-age-spin-2017-full-transcript/

This is Dave. He tells dirty jokes for a living. That stare is where most of his hard work happens. It signifies a profound train of thought, the alchemist’s fire that transforms fear and tragedy into levity and livelihood. Dave calls that look “the trance.” ♪ Play me ♪ ♪ Buy me ♪ ♪ Workinonit ♪ ♪ Tune up ♪ ♪ Tune ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Fade me ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you all. Oh, wow. That was exciting, wasn’t it? Thank you, guys. Have a seat, feel comfortable, relax. I want to thank everyone in LA for a wonderful week. It’s been great here. You know what? It’s been ten years since the last time I played Los Angeles, if you can imagine. I know! I know, I’ve been gone for a very long time. And unbeknownst to you, it was a difficult ten years. I’m not gonna take you through all the agony I’ve been through, but it was tough. Some of it you might’ve seen. I don’t know if you ever saw on TMZ the big headline: “Dave Chappelle Drunk Onstage in Detroit.” Well, if you saw it, I wasn’t drunk. I had smoked some reefer… with some rappers. Yeah. I don’t know if you know anything about hanging out with rappers, but their weed is very strong, stronger than I what I was accustomed to. The article goes on to say I was booed offstage, which is also incorrect. I was booed. I did not leave. It was a long bomb. It was a fucking nightmare. Two puffs of weed, that’s all it was. Two puffs. I never had that happen, where I take two puffs of weed, I looked at the guy next to me, I was like, “I’m gonna bomb, n i g g a. I can feel it.” And that guy called my name. “Dave Chappelle!” N i g g a s was like… Normally, when you do a comedy show– you guys don’t know what it looks like up here, but n i g g a s be just looking up at you like… That’s how the show started. Didn’t take long for their faces to switch up like, “What the fuck?” They started looking amongst themselves. So I knew I wasn’t doing good. I don’t remember what I was saying. It just took one person to break the ice. It was a black lady with a Ford Motor shirt on. Stood up suddenly. “Fuck you, Dave Chappelle!” I said, “Excuse me?” She said, “I worked all week for this shit, and this show sucks!” And in a weird act of racial harmony, a conservative white guy stood up and backed her up. “Yeah!” The whole crowd banded together and started chanting, “We want our money back! We want our money back!” I said, “Oh, shit.” I snapped out of it. “Good people of Detroit, hear me. Hear me now. You will never get your fucking money back.” Fuck that. I said, “I’m like Evel Knievel. I get paid for the attempt. I didn’t promise this shit would be good.” “Boo!” They said, “Fuck you!” This went on for a long time. And then, after the show, I felt so bad, I took half of the money from the show– thousands of dollars– I said, “I’m gonna give this to charity.” You know what I did? I bought $25,000 worth of bubble gum and drove around Detroit and handed it out to the homeless so they could chew it and still be hungry. I was very mad at Detroit that night. Because not only did I bomb, I had to go back to the very same room the next night and do it all over again. Fucking nightmare. That would be like if you were having sex with a woman and, for some reason– this would never happen– but for some reason, she had a mousetrap in her pussy. You get caught in the trap. And then you’ve got to fuck her again tomorrow night. I’d still do it, but I’d be careful the next time. The old mousetrap-in-the-pussy trick, eh? Fool me once. Yeah. Yeah, it was a tough time. And I wanted to give up sometimes. I almost did give up, but then, right before I gave up, I decided not to. But I made the call. They answered the phone. “Hello? Dancing with the Stars.” I said, “Not yet. Not yet.” Yeah. If you see me on that shit, it’s over. Trust me. My spirit is broken. If you see me waiting for them judges… getting critiqued on my cha-cha, fuck that. I’ve been hanging out in– I haven’t been working in LA, but I come out here and hang out and shit. I was out here a few weeks ago. I almost got arrested. I’m not bullshitting. This happens to a lot of black people. What happened was… I was coming out of one of those nightclubs in Hollywood, and my friend saw me. I guess I was wobbling or something. So, he just rolled up. He’s a good friend of mine. He’s like, “Hey, Dave, give me the keys.” I was like, “All right, n i g g a, just take the keys.” And I got in the passenger’s side of my car, and he drove it. It was fine. Just talking, chopping it up. And then, on the 10, the blue-and-whites hit us. Now, I should tell you, the friend that was driving me was black, which really doesn’t have anything to do with the story other than to let you know there was fear in the car. Not my fear. I’m black, but I’m also Dave Chappelle. So, I figured, you know, shit will probably be fine. Traffic stop started off on the right foot. The cops came up to the driver’s side. “Hi. How are you guys doing tonight?” And he recognized me immediately. “Oh. Dave Chappelle.” And I looked at my friend like, “We’re getting out of this shit.” And then he says, “You guys were swerving in the lane. Do you mind just stepping out of the car for a second?” Still no cause for alarm. I looked through the rearview mirror. The body language of the arrest looked good. Just talking. So, then I started fucking with the radio. You know a traffic stop is going good if you’re listening to the radio when someone else is outside of the car. But then, when I looked back in the rearview mirror, something had gone horribly wrong. That motherfucker was back there like… And the next thing I knew, they were stuffing him in the back of the car, and I thought what anybody would think in a situation like that: “Oh, my God. What is gonna happen to me?” And the police walked up to the window. “Mr. Chappelle, we had to arrest your friend. He refused to take our breathalyzer test.” I said, “That motherfucker. Not complying? That’s odd. So, officer, what’s gonna happen to me?” “You’re fine. We’re just gonna have to ask you to step out of the car so we can impound the vehicle, and we’ll arrange for you to have a ride home.” I said, “Oh, well, no. I would rather you just give me the keys.” He said, “Mr. Chappelle, your friend already told us he’s your designated driver. We can’t let you drive in this condition.” I was like, “No, n i g g a, I’m good.” And then suddenly, the shit turned into Vegas. He was like… “I’ll let you blow for it.” I said, “Excuse me?” He said, “If you blow in my breathalyzer–” I said, “Oh, n i g g a, I thought you was trying to get your dick sucked. What’s the– Whew! Whew!” “If you blow in my breathalyzer and pass, I’ll give you the keys to the car.” I said, “Uh… set ’em up, n i g g a. Let’s play.” And I blew in that thing. And it made a noise. “Beep!” I said, “Uh-oh.” And he looked at it. He said, “Oh, well, Mr. Chappelle, I guess you’re free to go.” I said, “I am?” I didn’t know that thing didn’t pick up weed. I drove home on the miles an hour. Yeah, it all worked out. It all worked out. I’m one of the lucky ones. It doesn’t work out that well for everybody. I saw that videotape of that lady that got beat up in LA in traffic. You see that shit on rush hour traffic? They beat a black woman’s ass. This woman didn’t even do anything wrong. It’s fucked up. It was so fucked up, it didn’t even go to court. The City of L.A. just gave that woman $1.5 million for her pain and suffering. That is not bad, considering that’s the same amount of money that Marcos Maidana made to fight Floyd Mayweather the second time. And this woman obviously hasn’t trained a day in her life. You can see it on the tape. She didn’t come to fight. Her guards were low. She was taking a lot of shots. Everybody’s mad at police now. I watched that– You see that shit on Netflix, Making a Murderer? The Steven Avery story. If you haven’t seen it, check it out. Steven Avery is in more trouble than any white person in the history of the United States has ever been in! In a justice system designed for him to thrive, he’s failed miserably twice. I can’t even wrap my mind around it. If Making a Murderer was about a black dude, that shit would be called Duh! Of course everything would go wrong. Seems like he did it, all right. The motherfucker even had $200,000 for his legal defense. That should get you off in Wisconsin. That’s like OJ money. All he needed to get off that he didn’t have was a single black juror. That’s all it would’ve took. Because only a black dude in the United States can look at other dudes and be like, “I think the police did this shit.” He’s fucked up in the game. That’s how OJ got off. I’ve been watching that new OJ show. I can’t get enough of that shit. Doesn’t it bring back good memories? But I forgot just how polarizing that OJ case was. And you know, I’ve met OJ Simpson on four different occasions in my life. And before the end of the show, I will tell you about each of those occasions. The first time I met OJ Simpson, I was in Santa Monica. -Santa Monica! -Yeah! I can’t believe a black dude was like, “Santa Monica!” You the last n i g g a I would expect to say that. Let me see your shoes. You got some Vans on, n i g g a? What you got? “Santa Monica!” You? At the time, I was . I had done a show, and the guy from the club came up and was like, “Hey, OJ Simpson’s here, and he said he wants to meet you.” I said, “What? Fuck yeah!” I ran down the steps, and OJ was down there. He’s like, “Hey, young man. How are you? It’s very good to meet you. And you’re doing really good work, and I hope good things happen for you in your life.” I was like, “Man, thanks, Mr. Juice.” Standing beside him, was– I don’t know the nice way to say this– his soon-to-be-slain wife. Ladies and gentlemen, man the fuck up, or you’re not gonna make it to the end of this show. Just man the fuck up. She’s dead. We already know what happened. We don’t know who did it, but we know what happened. I should tell you, that woman was very nice to me. She actually embraced me. She said, “I think you’re adorable,” and she hugged me. She goes, “Good luck to you,” and she held me for a long time. And I whispered in her ear, “Bitch, are you trying to get us both killed?” I’m just kidding. I didn’t say that, but… that was the first time, in a nutshell. It’s good to see so many… so many different people here from so many different ethnicities. Very diverse crowd. Looks like you thought Bernie Sanders was gonna come out in this motherfucker. But… surprise! It’s me. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I’m happy, really, to see black people come. A lot of black people don’t fuck with me like they used to. But there’s a few reasons you don’t see black people at my shows. One is because, obviously, black people have slower Internet connections. I mean, that would be my guess. I don’t know what– Actually, my own actions drew a wedge between me and the community I hold so dear. A couple of weeks ago, I was supposed to be in Flint, Michigan, for a charity benefit that was supposed to raise awareness for the appalling condition of the water in Flint. I don’t know if you know this, but the water in Flint is fucking poisonous. It’s actually making people sick. Hollywood people are like, “So what? At least they have water.” But this water– this water is fucked up. So, a lot of black celebrities flew into Flint, and they did a tremendous charity benefit, and I was on the schedule to appear. Uh… So, the reason a lot of people haven’t heard about this benefit– it was the same day as the Oscars. Right, I know. So, I was on my way to the airport to go to Flint, and then Chris Rock calls me and is like, “Hey, Dave, I got a ticket for you for the Oscars. Can you make it?” And I was like, “Sure, n i g g a. I’m on my way to the airport right now.” Come on, man. What am I gonna do about that water? What am I, a fucking superhero? I need to have fun. I need to live, too! I didn’t fuck that water up! Stevie Wonder was there. They didn’t need me. I’m sorry, everybody. I’d never been to the Oscars. You’ve seen the movies I make. I was excited. I knew I was gonna get into some trouble, because when I was walking on the red carpet, the black press came after me. “Excuse me, brother.” When you hear somebody call you “brother” too much, something terrible is about to happen. “Excuse me, brother. Brother?” And I looked back, and the motherfucker had a tuxedo with the kente cloth tie. I said, “Uh-oh.” He said, “I just want to ask you a couple questions.” I said, “What publication are you with?” He said, “Me? I’m with The Daily Bongo.” I said, “Daily Bongo? What the fuck? Who the fuck reads this?” He said, “Listen, brother, I just want to ask you a quick question. You understand that this year, this is a boycott for the Oscars. So, I’m just wondering what made you, of all people, cross the motherfucking picket line and be here tonight.” I said, “Boycott? N i g g a, I haven’t been working in ten years. What do you mean, boycott? I’ve been on strike. Y’all n i g g a s didn’t stop working. I had to watch fucking Key and Peele do my show every night! So, fuck The Daily Bongo,” is what I said. I went to the Oscars and had a wonderful time. I went in that fucking green room. It was filled with so many stars, I couldn’t even believe what I was seeing. Hollywood was seducing me all over again. I was sitting back there. I’m smoking, drinking with the stars. And then two Hollywood movie producers came over, right to me. “Oh, my God. Dave Chappelle,” said the leader one. He was obviously gay. Some guys, you can just tell. The other one seemed like a money guy. Maybe he was from Texas or some shit. But the gay one was definitely the leader because he did all the talking. And then he hit me with: “So, David, um… do you have any movie ideas that you would like to pursue?” The truth is, I don’t. But if you know the game, you’re not supposed to tell motherfuckers you don’t have ideas. I was like, “Yeah, man. I got plenty of ideas.” And he called my bluff. “Really? Like what?” “Huh? Oh. Um… um…” And then I just started making up shit that I thought maybe he’d like to see. I said, “I have a superhero idea.” He goes, “Really?” I go, “Yeah. He’s a– He’s a gay superhero.” He was like, “Really?! What’s it called?” “Huh? Oh, it’s called– It’s called Same Hero, New Boots. It’s about a gay sous-chef in San Francisco… that gets bit by a radioactive rat on his shift when he’s taking out the trash and is blessed with powers beyond his wildest dreams, supersonic gay kind of powers. And he starts saving everybody in San Francisco. But at first, he only saves gay people. Later, he saves everybody, and the whole city just falls in love with him. The only problem is, no one remembers him when he saves them.” “Well, I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t they remember him?” I said, “Because, dummy, he’s gay. He keeps changing his outfit. People come up– ‘Thanks for saving me, sir. What’s your name anyway?’ He’s like, ‘Same Hero, New Boots!’ And that motherfucker flies away.” He was like, “I like it a lot.” The Texan didn’t like that shit at all. He was upset. “That’s impossible, a gay superhero.” I said, “What? Well, I have others. I have a superhero you’d love, ’cause he’s stronger than Superman and he fights for truth, justice and the American way, like Superman, but more than Superman. He beats up Mexicans for no reason.” The Texan’s like, “You got my attention.” I’m like, “Man, this motherfucker’s so strong, he can fly and do all this great shit. Only problem with this guy is he can’t even activate his powers unless he touches– unless he touches a woman’s vagina. Not a long touch, just a couple of pats.” He said, “Well, what’s the problem with that?” I said, “The problem, sir, is that our hero is not a handsome man. And he’s often short on cash. So, whenever trouble breaks out, he has to run around the city and convince women to let him pat their vaginas. ‘Please, miss! That building’s on fire. Can I pat your vagina? Quickly. People are dying!’ But he can’t tell them exactly why. ‘Eww! Get away! You’re gross!’ ‘Please, miss! People are dying! Just a couple of pats!’ ‘Eww! Gross! Get away!’ So, he rapes them. I know, I know. That’s the dilemma for the audience. Because he rapes, but he saves a lot of lives. And he saves way more than he rapes, and he only rapes to save. But he does rape.” I didn’t realize it, but the whole green room was looking at us. All the celebrities were disgusted. “Ohh.” That guy from Texas was like, “Here’s my card. Call me on Monday.” That worked out. The second time I met OJ Simpson. It was right after the trial of the century. There I was, now a young man of probably 23. OJ Simpson was the most famous, or infamous, face on planet Earth. I was in a restaurant in Beverly Hills with my agents. I wasn’t alone in the restaurant, but I was alone. I was the only black person in the restaurant. And in the 90’s, that felt very uncomfortable. Now I tend to enjoy it at this age. I was having dinner with my agents, celebrating a deal that they told me was lucrative, but I later learned fucking sucked. And suddenly, a group of women walked by. Every race was in that group. Black, white, Asian, Latina, white, white… and white again. They were all gorgeous. I watched them walk by. Then I saw a familiar face. Al Cowlings, the man from the infamous Bronco chase, walked by and embraced one of the women, and they walked towards the door. Couldn’t believe what I saw. And then, close behind him, was OJ Simpson, newly released from jail. The restaurant fell still. I was shocked. I didn’t mean to say it out loud, but it just came out. “OJ!” He stopped, turned around to see who said it, saw my black face and correctly assumed it was me. I was sitting in the corner of the booth. He leaned over all the white people I was having dinner with and shook my hand. “How are you, young man?” He looked in my eyes, and I could see in his eyes that he didn’t remember meeting me the first time. And then he walked away. And I looked back at my agents, and all of them had nothing short of disgust on their faces. And the only one with the courage to voice their disgust was a woman named Sharon who used to represent me. “How could you?” she said. “How could you shake hands with that murderer?” I said, “Sharon, with all due respect, that murderer ran for over 11,000 yards. And he was acquitted. So, you know, fuck it. The glove didn’t fit. The glove didn’t fit. Get over yourself.” Some people can’t do that. Some people just can’t get over themselves. Gay people have a hard time doing that recently. Here we go. Here comes the deep water. No, recently I’ve noticed that. I noticed it with that Manny Pacquiao controversy. Yeah, it was– Now, in the gay community’s defense, Manny Pacquiao said some outlandish shit about gay people, very not nice things that I won’t repeat, but there was biblical verses and some analogies to animals. It wasn’t a good look. Nike took his shoes immediately. Which I thought was a little harsh. A little harsh, you know what I mean? Just ’cause he’s Asian. You know what I mean? How the fuck are you gonna take the shoes off an Asian dude to appease a gay dude? You know what I mean? No? You don’t know what I mean. But Asian people kind of know what I mean. No? No Asians in the front? No? No, this is what I mean. Look, you’re an Asian dude– I say this with no disrespect. We’re all Americans, right? And we can agree that America has a huge body count all over the world, but nowhere more than Asia. Literally, if you look at history, recently, we have bombed the masculinity out of an entire continent. We dropped two atomic bombs on fucking Japan, and they’ve been drawing Hello Kitty and shit ever since. There’s a lot of lady-boys in the wake of our bombs. And I know these things because my wife is Asian. She’s Filipino. All right, okay. So, that explains it. Now you know why you see me at all those Filipino events. I’m not there picking up pussy. I’m dropping some off. I take my wife to all that shit. I took my wife to see Pacquiao fight Mayweather. We sat ringside, okay? That– Yeah, that was a quiet car ride home, that’s what that was. But if you know what’s popping in the Philippines, you know that they got a whole generation of kids in the Philippines growing up without their mothers. Yes. A lot of women in the Philippines go to the Arabian Peninsula, they come to the United States, they make all their money here, they send all that money back home, which is still one of the number-one staples in the Philippines’ economy– money that the expats send back to the Philippines. The men, on the other hand, are left rearing children, twiddling their thumbs, waiting on their wives’ checks. These men have been fucking emasculated. And then suddenly, a boxer rises from amongst them and reinstates their manhood with his motherfucking fist. This is not the guy you’re supposed to ask, “What do you think of homosexuals?” He’s not your champ. Shit. That’s why I don’t have a sneaker deal, ’cause if you say something that people don’t like, they’ll take your fucking shoes off. If Martin Luther King had a sneaker deal, we’d still be on the back of the bus. It’s true. The Nike exec would come up– “Hi, Martin. Uh… we need you to tone down the talk of civil rights and blacks being humans. It’s upsetting our Southern distributors.” “But I don’t understand. I thought that’s why I had a sneaker deal in the first place.” “Not quite. Really, it’s a walking shoe. And we like the marching, but… Try to understand.” Fuck that shit. You know, I get it, though. I understand why gay people are mad, and I empathize. You know what? I’m just telling you this as a black dude. I support your movement. But if you want to take some advice from a Negro, pace yourself. These things take a while. Just ’cause they passed the law doesn’t mean they’re gonna like it. Brown v. Board of Education was in. Somebody called me a n i g g e r in traffic last Wednesday. It takes a minute. My wife’s friend Stewart told me that. My wife has a lot of gay friends. Stewart’s their leader. She has a lot of gay friends. And I don’t like ’em. Not ’cause they’re gay. I’m just judging them on the merits of their character. They’re just not nice dudes. They’re fucking rude houseguests. They’re sitting on my couch, giggling with my wife, eating my motherfucking macaroons. Then I come in, and they act like the party’s over. “Hey, Stewart. What’s going on?” This guy talks to me the way a cat would speak if a cat could talk. “Hi, David.” “Stewart, what’s all the beef, man? What’s going–” He always wants to have some kind of gay political argument. The last one was about a petition in federal court to take the words “husband and wife” out of the law. I said, “Why would you want those words out of the law?” He said, “Because it discriminates against same-sex couples.” I was like, “N i g g a s, please, save me the semantics. Just trust me. Take your chips and get the fuck out of the casino. You’re about to crap out! Just go outside, talk that over amongst yourselves, and whichever one of you is gayer, that’s the wife.” No, no. Stewart didn’t like that. Stewart educates me about this movement. I didn’t even know shit about it. He told me it’s called “LBGTQ!” I was like, “What the fuck is the ‘Q’?” Does that even make sense? “Q”? Turns out “Q” is like the vowels. That shit is sometimes “Y.” It’s for gay dudes that don’t really know they’re gay. Like prison fags who are like, “What? I’m not gay, n i g g a. I’m just sucking these dicks to pass the time. I’m not ‘G.’ I’m ‘Q.’ Ugh.” I think– Okay, again, of all those letters, the “T” has the toughest road ahead. In fact, I think the “T” should stand for “Tough road ahead.” They’ve got the longest mental gap to bridge. That’s all I’m saying. Because whenever I see one of them Ts on the street, I don’t mind them, but I’ll be like, “Man, I miss Bruce.” I’m sorry, guys. I’m 42. I remember Bruce Jenner. Before the Kardashians, before all that, this motherfucker was a white American superhero. It was amazing. He was beating Africans at track and field. We’d never seen anything like it. He was on my cereal box growing up. You know how much of that cereal I ate? N i g g a, I didn’t know he was gonna do that. I knew before you guys knew. I heard things on the street in Hollywood. You’d just be out, see people. “Hey, what’s up, Kanye? Why the long face?” “N i g g a, you’ll see. I got two mother-in-laws now.” And when I heard he was gonna do it, I was scared. I didn’t think the public was ready. I didn’t think the media was ready. And you know what? I was wrong. Not only did the public embrace him, but the media was nice. I’d never seen anything like it. “Welcome to the world, Caitlyn. So long, Bruce. Hello, Caitlyn.” I was shocked! Is this happening? Wait a minute. Is this a time in American history where an American can make a decision for themselves, and even though other Americans don’t understand it, they’ll support it and let this person live a happy life? Is this what’s happening? If it is, then good for America. That’s Dave Chappelle, the American. Although, Dave Chappelle, the black American, he was a little jealous. I was like, “How the fuck are transgender people beating black people in the discrimination Olympics?” If the police shot half as many transgenders as they did n i g g a s last year, there’d be a fucking war in LA. I know black dudes in Brooklyn– hard street motherfuckers– that wear high heels just to feel safe. Transgenders are gangsters. I used to do business with a transgender in Hollywood. Man, everybody would be scared of her in the boardroom. She’d walk in there, newly-minted woman, high heels, purse. Wouldn’t say anything to us, just walk around the conference table, looking mean and shit. Then she’d walk to the head of the conference table, stare at us all, reach in her purse, pull her old dick out and throw it on the table. “Let’s talk business, gentlemen.” “Aaah!” Shit is scary as fuck. If your best friend pitched that to you, you’d be horrified. “Yo, n i g g a, let’s go to the hospital and cut our dicks off and make pussies out of them shits.” “What?! Can’t we just get matching jackets or tattoos or something? You sure that’s what you want to do?” “There’s only way to find out, n i g g a. Wu-Tang! Pow! Pow! Let’s go to the club and trick n i g g a s into fucking us. Yeah.” The third time I met OJ Simpson— The third time I met OJ Simpson, I was doing great in life. I’d just finished the second season of Chappelle’s Show. Man, those were good days. I was playing a comedy club in Miami, The Improv. I don’t know if you’ve ever been, but if you have, you’d know the door for the green room is right on the stage. Can you imagine such a thing? If I walked out of the door of the green room, bam, I was right here, right from the dressing room. And I did that. I walked out, and the whole crowd was like, “Hooray!” And I looked– ma’am, as close as you are to me– I saw him as soon as I came out: The Juice. And I saw recognition in his eyes, and it filled me with pride that he knew who I was. I didn’t acknowledge his presence because it was a white audience, and I didn’t want to start a panic. But I did my show. The show went great. I said, “Good night, everyone.” They all said, “Yay!” And I didn’t say nothing to OJ, but I just gave him the signal to let him know I knew he was there. And I walked into the green room, and OJ was already in there! I was like, “How the fuck is this possible?” I was scared. And then my friends came in, and we all started talking. We sat down on the couch. And I’m just telling you what I saw with my own eyes. You can believe me or not believe me. But in my experience, OJ Simpson– one of the nicest men I’d ever met. He was nice to me. He was nice to my friends. The conversation was filled with warmth and levity, humor and wisdom. We talked for minutes, and then suddenly, the Juice said, “You know what? I’ve got to be going. But it’s good to see you again, and I’m glad things went so well.” I said, “Thanks, Juice.” And my friends said, “Yeah, goodbye, Mr. Juice.” They were new to the game. He said, “No. Thank you… for your hospitality. Good night, guys.“ And we said, “Good night.” And he just walked out of the room. And as soon as the door closed, we all looked at each other like, “That n i g g a did that shit. Did you feel that? I could feel like… murder in the room.” Well, you young heads missed that shit. You’re all too young. You don’t remember that. -How old are you, young, man? You. -Twenty-four. Twenty-four? You don’t know shit. You don’t know shit! You gotta Google shit that I lived through. See, this is why I lock motherfuckers’ phones up. Seriously. Because the young kids, you guys need to take a break from that– We all need to break just from that technology, just for a minute. You know, I’m from a different time, young man. A dark time to you. I’m from a time that I didn’t even used to know who was on the phone until I answered the shit. Like, when tragedy used to strike. I remember I was 12 years old, and the teacher wheeled a television set into the classroom. You remember these days? And she turned it on to one of three channels. And she said, “Class, the space shuttle is taking off, and we’re all gonna watch it take off.” Man, that shit was going great for like, three to five minutes. That’s right. You remember. It fucking exploded! Right on television. Everybody on board, dead. Immediately presumed dead. It was so bad, the teacher looked at all the kids and was like… “You can go home.” It was a goddamn national tragedy. This was Cold War America. The Russians were laughing at us. My point is, for a guy your age wouldn’t even know the pain, because in your generation, it’s like the space shuttle blows up every fucking day. How can you care about anything when you know every goddamn thing? I’m getting over one cop shooting, and then another one happens, and then another one happens, and another one happens. I’m crying about Paris, and then Brussels happens. I can’t keep track of all this shit. So you just give the fuck up. That’s the hallmark of your generation, and that’s fucked up, because your generation lives in the most difficult time in human history. This is the age of spin. The age where nobody knows what the fuck they’re even looking at. Did you know that Planned Parenthood was for abortions? It’s for people that don’t plan things out at all. That’s right. So, a guy your age doesn’t really know how he feels. Are you pro-choice? Are you anti-consequences? What does it all really mean? It’s easier not to care for you. But for us, we were trained to care. We were raised that way. I used to watch a fucking cartoon when I was growing up called Care Bears. It was about a fucking group of teddy-bear people. They were like teddy bears, but they were like people, and they were all different colors, and they all fucking just walked around, caring. They cared about each other and everything else. They all had different designs on their stomachs, and the designs told you something about what they might be like inside. Very, very loving group of beings. And when shit got real bad, as nice as those teddy bears were, they didn’t get mean faces. They got determined. Hmm! And the leader would say, “Come on, guys. It’s time for the Care Bear Stare!” Remember that shit? And them little teddy bears would lock arms… and stare at the problem– and I’m not even bullshitting– actual love would shoot out of their chests… and would dispel anything that was fucked up. And when we grew up, we wanted to be like those bears. And then we got our hearts broken, because we found out that life wasn’t gonna let us do that and that it’s impossible to shoot love out of your chest. However, I have shot love onto somebody’s chest before. I do it all the time. It’s the next best thing. You kids don’t know. Your generation is just determined to be angry, mad. Everybody’s mad. Back when we were growing up, only black people were mad. Now everybody’s just trying to get in on the act. I try to think to myself, “When did everyone get mad?” And then I realize this happened before we were born. This is a long way to go, but… it probably started in the Second World War. Think about it. All these black men, millions of black men, leave the United States for the first time, go over to Europe with America’s Armed Forces and fight the Nazis and make more money fighting Nazis than they ever dreamed they would make in the United States. And a lot of those men, while they were in Europe– just to be real, not to be crass– a lot of them probably got their dicks sucked by white women. I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen. This was World War II Europe, and these were desperate times, and penises were being sucked for shoelaces and chocolate and very frivolous things. And it’s very hard to come back to America and sit on the back of the bus after you’ve been in the South of France, getting your dick sucked for a Crunch bar or some crazy shit like that. That’s a life-changing experience. And while that was happening in Europe, here in America, for the first time, women entered the workforce en masse, by the millions. All the men were gone. Someone had to run the factory. The ladies did it. That’s right. This was the first generation of American women to have independent income en masse, and when the men came back, the women weren’t the same. American women had grown. They were uttering phrases that no woman on Earth had ever spoken before, things like, “No” and “Shut the fuck up” and “I don’t feel like it.” And then behind the scenes of that, there was a little-known government agency that started testing mind control drugs on the American public. They fucked up. They tested it for 12 years. They didn’t realize these drugs were not mind-controlling. They were mind-expanding. It was LSD and mescaline and shit like that. And for the first time, there was a new school of thought that was chemically induced that made people question the very society they lived in. By 1960, the President of the United States was only 42 years old. Can you imagine? DMX is older than that. And he was gonna usher in a new era of peace. He was gonna avoid the Cold War. He was gonna end segregation. And they blew his fucking brains out in front of everyone in Dallas. This country was never the same. There were seven more major assassinations in the ’60s. Anyone that stood up and said anything was shot down in the streets like a fucking dog. Kennedy, Kennedy, King, X, Evers, on and on. You didn’t even have to be famous. You could be a college student at Kent State, or in Mississippi, protesting the Vietnam War, and they shot them, too. The ’70s were a wild era. And while all this was going on… Bill Cosby raped 54 people. Holy shit. That’s a lot of rapes, man. This guy’s putting up real numbers. He’s like the Steph Curry of rape. Man, that’s a lot of rapes. Fifty-four? If he had raped less people… that’s still two dozen rapes! Don’t forget, each one of these rapes has eight hours of sleep in it. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s over hours of rape. It only takes hours to get a pilot’s license. If rapes were aircrafts, this n i g g a is Top Gun for sure. Yeah, that’s a tough one. And I was onstage not too long ago. I was in Syracuse, New York. Yeah. Well, yeah, for Syracuse. But the show didn’t go so good… all because I was talking about Bill Cosby a little bit. Not a little bit. I’ll be honest. I talked about him for like, minutes. And a woman stood up in the back of the room, and she screamed out, “You are a fucking asshole for saying these things!” “I know.” Instantly, I felt bad. Not bad about what I was saying. I just felt bad like, “Oh, that’s too bad she doesn’t like the show.” I didn’t realize it at first, but not only did she say that, she was rushing the stage. By the time I saw her, I just saw this shadowy figure fucking charging up the aisle towards me in full fight mode. I was horrified. I said, “Oh, my God! I’m gonna kick this bitch in the face.” Lucky for me, I didn’t have to. Security tackled her. But it was a really fucking horrifying scene. A scuffle ensued. And then, finally, she screamed out to me, “Women suffer!” I said, “I know.” And, ladies, I need you to know… that I know. I need you to know. Seriously, there’s a lot of men in this room that identify themselves as feminists. I would include myself in that. Don’t ever forget, we all have mothers and daughters and sisters and wives, and we want to see all these women do well and not be held back by their gender. There’s a lot of men like that in this room. There’s a lot of men like that in the world. Or as we are known on the streets, bitch-ass n i g g a s. But as this woman was wrestling and screaming at me, I started to take offense. And I’ll be honest, race was involved. She was a young white woman. Well-intentioned, but just not thinking it all the way through. “Bitch, how the fuck are you going to yell at a black man about discrimination?” She didn’t get it. She just kept going. “Women suffer!” “I know.” “Women suffer!” “Same team.” “Women suffer!” “I know.” And this is when she went too far: “We suffer just like you.” “Slow your roll, bitch. You suffer, yes, but not like me. Not like us.” She goes, “Suffering is suffering. What’s the difference?” I said, “Come on, white woman, you know what it is. You was in on the heist. You just don’t like your cut.” You suffer, I suffer. You suffer, I suffer. That’s how it works. Can’t do comparative suffering. If you’re hungry, and your friend says, “You know, people are starving in Africa,” “So what, n i g g a? I still want lunch.” Black people know about comparative suffering, and you know that it’s a fucking dead-end game. Blacks and Jews do that shit to each other all the time. You ever played Who Suffered More with a Jewish person? It’s a tough game. Whenever you think you’ve got the Jewish guy on the ropes, that motherfucker will be like, “Well, don’t forget about Egypt.” “Egypt?! God damn, n i g g a, I didn’t know we was going all the way back to Egypt.” What the fuck is wrong with her? What does she think? Does she think that I don’t know that rape is wrong? Does she think that maybe I don’t have empathy for Bill Cosby’s alleged victims? And I would be remiss if I didn’t remind you that technically these are all still allegations. Although, I admit it looks very bad. Perhaps if she looked at it correctly, she would have empathy for me, the man she was attacking, a 42-year-old black comedian. Obviously, Bill Cosby was a hero to me. And she doesn’t know what it feels like to think that your hero might’ve done something so heinous, my God, you can’t imagine. It’d be as if you heard that chocolate ice cream itself… had raped 54 people. You’d say to yourself, “Oh, man, but I like chocolate ice cream. I don’t want it to rape.” Didn’t want to believe it. At first, I didn’t believe it. I said, “These people are obviously trying to destroy Dr. Cosby’s rich legacy.” Even 34 allegations into it, I was still like, “Man… he probably only raped ten or 11 of those people.” I know, I know. But it’s really tough. You guys are young. Imagine if you found out 40 years from now that Kevin Hart raped 54 people. You’d be like, “Oh, my God.” The only one that would believe that would be Katt Williams. He’d be like, “I knew that motherfucker was up to something! I knew Kevin had raped those people.” You know, I was mad at Kevin, too, though. You know why? Okay, first of all, I didn’t even know Kevin was as successful as he was. I found that shit out the hard way. I was at home when my son busted in. He said, “Dad, I need $250.” He’s only years old, so I freaked out. “What’s going on, n i g g a? Is somebody trying to kill you?” He said, “No, no. Kevin Hart’s coming to town, and I wanted to see his show.” I said, “How much are the tickets?” He said, “They’re $125.” I said, “God damn! Mine are only 80.” I said, “Why do you need $250, then?” He goes, “Because I want to go with you, Dad. Please? And there it is. So, I took him to the show. And we go, we sit right up front. The lights go down, and one opening act after another goes on. Then Kevin takes the stage. The crowd goes fucking nuts. Thousands of people. I was furious. The longer the show went on, the madder I got. Because his show was fucking outstanding. It was maddening. These people were fucking holding their stomachs. My son was slapping his knee. I’m like, “Damn, n i g g a, I do this, too.” Kevin says, “Good night.” The crowd goes crazy. And then everyone starts walking to his door, and the lights come on, and then my son is just standing there, looking at an empty stage. People are pushing past me, and nobody’s recognizing me. I’m like, “Man, this place fucking sucks!” I said, “Come on, son, let’s get out of here.” Then my son looks back at me and says, “Dad, please. Please, I have to meet him.” I was like, “Oh, my God.” So, I took him backstage. I’ve known Kevin for years, but can you believe I was scared to knock on his dressing room door? I almost said… “Son, I haven’t seen him for a long time.” And one of Kevin’s goons opened the door. “Hey, what’s up, Dave Chappelle? What are you doing, man? It’s good to see you, brother. What are you doing in this area? This is a terrible area.” I’m like, “Actually, I live around here. Listen… is Kevin here? My son just wanted to meet him real quick.” “I don’t know, ’cause Kevin’s about to eat dinner.” Just then, Kevin came around the corner to see who it was. “What? Oh, shit! What’s up, Dave? Come on back. I was just about to have dinner. I don’t know if you guys ate, but you’re welcome to join me if you’d like.” And then my son pushed passed me. It was some cold shit. He goes, “Actually, Mr. Hart, we haven’t eaten in several hours.” Man, Kevin took us into his back room. This guy had a fucking spread. It was Tuesday night. This motherfucker was having Sunday dinner. There were steaks, chops, corn with butter all over it. My son was eating all fast, embarrassing me. I was like, “Slow down, son.” He was like… Then I looked over in the corner, and there was a box of custom-made jerseys for the local team. Each one was hand-stitched, and on the back, they stitched on “K-Hart” on all of them. Kevin saw me staring at that box, and he went over and grabbed one of them jerseys, and he walked right to my son. He said, “Hey, little man. I want you to have this.” And my son was like, “Thanks, Mr. Hart.” This is when I got mad. He goes, “If your father ever makes you mad, put that on.” And he walked out. Oh, that was some cold shit. Then I realized– I looked up what Kevin made on Google. I couldn’t believe that shit. Kevin is the first comedian that a Drake song could be about. Kevin could walk around his house and sing “All Me,” and the whole song would still be true. “♪ Got everything, I got everything ♪ ♪ I cannot complain, I cannot ♪ ♪ I don’t even know How much I really made ♪ ♪ I forgot, it’s a lot ♪ ♪ Fuck that, never mind what I got ♪” And his wife will be like, “Kevin, come to bed!” He’ll be like… “♪ Ho, shut the fuck up ♪ ♪ I got way too much– ♪” You know how much money you have to have to tell a girl to shut the fuck up? I have “Quiet, please” money at best. I’d have to take a loan out for “Shut the fuck up.” “Shut the fuck up–” That’s Jay Z money. And Beyoncé got “No, you shut the fuck up” money. Let’s not forget. Let’s not forget. I’ve never met Bill Cosby, so I’m not defending him. Let’s just remember that he has a valuable legacy that I can’t just throw away. I remember that he’s the first black man to ever win an Emmy in television. I also remember that he’s the first guy to make a cartoon with black characters where their lips and noses were drawn proportionately. I remember that he had a television show that got numbers equivalent to the Super Bowl every Thursday night. And I remember that he partnered up with a clinical psychologist to make sure that there was not one negative image of African-Americans on his show. I’m telling you, that’s no small thing. I’ve had a television show. I wouldn’t have done that shit. He gave tens of millions of dollars to African-American institutions of higher learning, and is directly responsible for thousands of black kids going to college. Not just the ones he raped. Here comes the kicker. You ready? Here’s the fact that I heard, but haven’t confirmed. I heard that when Martin Luther King stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and said he had a dream, he was speaking into a PA system that Bill Cosby paid for. So, you understand what I’m saying? The point is this: He rapes, but he saves. And he saves more than he rapes. But he probably does rape. Thank you very much! Good night! ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I forgot. The fourth time I met OJ Simpson. The fourth time is not the funniest time, but it was the last time I’d see the Juice. For some reason, I was at the Kentucky Derby. It’s a very long story. This is right after I quit Chappelle’s Show in spectacular fashion. There was a party hosted by Michael Jordan, and every athlete I’ve ever admired was in that room. Yes. And then I saw a familiar face by the bar, standing there, drinking alone. It was Chris Tucker. Now… you have to remember, at this time, we were both technically missing. And we went over, and we’re talking with one another, and motherfuckers were amazed to see us together. Seeing me and Chris Tucker at that point would be like seeing Bigfoot riding a unicorn. You wouldn’t believe that’s what you were seeing. And then, through all the gawkers, a familiar face pushed through the crowd. Here he was again. The Juice. He had his camera ready. He was like, “Dave, Chris. Good to see you guys. Hey, come on, guys. Let’s all get together for a picture.” And at the same time, me and Chris were like, “No. I can’t do that. Sorry, Juice, my career is too flimsy to survive a picture with you.” That’s the end. Good night. ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Revolution ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto… ♪ One last thing. Before you go, I just wanted to acknowledge for the real comedy fans. We can’t not acknowledge it. We lost a fucking juggernaut in comedy this week. So, I’m just shouting out the family and friends of Garry Shandling. Much love to you guys. My sincerest condolences. And for the hip-hop fans in the building… put two fingers up in the air for A Tribe Called Quest and my man Phife Dawg. May he rest in peace forever and ever. Thank you for that beautiful music. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Twos up! Twos up! Hands up, hands up! Twos up! We’re gonna do this for Phife! I need everybody to rap with me right now! ♪ Can I kick it? ♪ ♪ Yes, you can ♪ ♪ Can I kick it? ♪ ♪ Yes, you can ♪ ♪ Can I kick it? ♪ ♪ Yes, you can ♪ ♪ Well, I’m gone ♪ ♪ Go on, then ♪ ♪ Can I kick it? To my Tribe that flows in layers ♪ ♪ Right now, Phife is a poem sayer ♪ ♪ At times, I’m a studio conveyor ♪ ♪ Mr. Dinkins Would you please be my mayor? ♪ ♪ You’ll be doing us a really big favor ♪ ♪ Boy, this track really has a lot Of flavor ♪ ♪ When it comes to rhythms Quest is your savior ♪ ♪ Follow us for the funky behavior ♪ ♪ Make a note On the rhythm we gave ya ♪ ♪ Feel free, drop your pants Check your hair ♪ ♪ Do you like the garments That we wear? ♪ ♪ I instruct you to be the obeyer ♪ ♪ A rhythm recipe that you’ll savor ♪ ♪ Doesn’t matter if you’re minor Or major ♪ ♪ Yes, the Tribe of the game We’re the player ♪ ♪ As you inhale Like a breath of fresh air ♪ I’m rich, biatch!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Eddie Murphy: Delirious (1983) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-murphy-delirious-full-transcript/

Filmed on August 17, 1983 at DAR Constitution Hall in Washington D.C. Ladies and gentlemen! Eddie Murphy! Thank you. Thank you so much. Two times, far two times. Before I even get started how about a big round of applause for the Bus Boys. There’s some rules, I got some rules when I show down and I do my standup, I got rules and shit. F a g g o t s aren’t allowed to look at my ass while I’m on stage! That’s why I keep moving while I’m up here. You don’t know where the f a g g o t section is, you gotta keep movin’. So if they do see it, quick, you switch, they don’t get no long stares at your shit… …so that their imagination is flowing about my… I know when you’re looking, ‘cos my ass starts to get hot. I’m afraid of gay people. Petrified. I have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood and find out that Mr. T is a f a g g o t. Really, and he’d be walking up to people going: “Hey, boy ! Hey, boy !” “You look mighty cute in them jeans !” “Now come on over here, and fuck me up the ass !” “I’m gonna bend over now!” “Hey, boy, slow down ! You’re gonna miss the round, and come too fast !” “You make me get get mad I clench up my buttcheeks and rip your dick off!” You know who would be a funny f a g g o t? Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton! Ralph Kramden leaning out the window and: “Norton! Come on down, I wanna show you somethin’!” “Ralphie-boy, whaddaya say there pal of mine ?” “You know Norton, I’ve been watching you. And I know you’ve been watching me. You watch me! I know!” “So, Ralph, what are you gettin’ at?” “Norton, my friend! How would you like to fuck me up the ass?” “I know you wanna fuck me, Norton!” “And you know that I know that you know that I know that you wanna fuck me!” “Now I’m gonna bend over, and when I do, start fuckin’!” “Here I go!” “Way to go there, Ralphie-boy!” I kid the homosexuals a lot, ‘cos they’re homosexuals. I fuck with everybody. I don’t give a fuck if they’re… Just like I’m… I don’t mean anything by it. You can hang out with a gay person. Them guys don’t feel, you know, alienated, like, gay people, ‘cos they’re gay. You can play tennis with a gay person. Really! Just after the game you say: “I’m gonna get a beer, what’s you gonna do?” “I think I’m gonna suck some guy’s dick.” “Well, I’ll see you later!” “You go suck that dick, I’m gonna have the beer.” Ladies are hip to it too. Ladies be hanging out with gay people. Ladies say: “Gay men are the best friends I have!” “‘cos they don’t want anything from you, you don’t want anything from them, you just hang out, you can be with them and get fun and just talk to them and all that bullshit, maybe hanging out with them. You know what’s really scary about it? That new AIDS shit. AIDS is scary ‘cos it kills motherfuckers, AIDS! That ain’t like the good ol’ days when venereal disease was simple. In the good old days, you got gonorrhea, you dick hurt, go get a shot, cleared right up. Then they came out with herpes, you keep that shit forever like luggage. And now they got AIDS, that just kills motherfuckers. I say what’s next, I guess you just put your dick in it and explodes! And the girl would be on the bed: “Maybe I should see a doctor about it…” Kills people! It petrifies me ‘cos girls be hanging out with them. One night they could be in the club having fun with their gayfriend, give them a little kiss. And go home with AIDS on their lips! And then when her husband, like five years later. “AIDS?! But I’m not homosexual!” “Sure you’re not homosexual…” All the diseases scare me ‘cos I’m like these… these are fuck years for me, like I’m… I’m in my sexual prime, this, I fuck now! These are the years to fuck! This is when you do your best fucking. And you just start to learn your body and getting it on your shoulders on to fuck… Like 18 year olds, let me hear you all in the audience! See y’all don’t know how to fuck yet, see. You don’t. You get 22. You start movin’ all this shit. Makin’ faces, ever made them fuck faces its a cool motherfucking thing. You don’t do that when you’re 18. There’s just 1 expression ‘cos you be surprised you fuckin’. Plus you don’t have no dick control when you’re 18! Ever been sitting around when you was young man, just sitting in class, your dick gets hard for nothing? You be just sitting there and your dick’s here: “What’s going on out there?” That’s when the teacher say: “Mr Murphy, would you come over by the board?” “No, that’s allright. I’ll take the zero.” Really, no dick control at all. It’s even hard to find the pussy when you’re 18. Ever had that guys? You’d be searching for the pussy down there. And your dick be sliding down and shit, and the girl be going: “That’s not it…” “Is there any problem?” “No, ain’t no problem, baby.” “You got a shoe horn or some shit like that?” And this is the business to be in if you want some pussy. That’s why I got in show business, for pussy. I figured, if Jimmy Walker can fuck, I’m fucking everybody. And it’s like that too. When you do TV-shows, women would be throwing pussy at me on the street like frisbees. “Ed!” “Thank you! Appreciate that!” Too much pussy, pussy would be falling outta my pocket. Walking out the street, you say: “Oh, watch your step, that’s mine.” Being a comic though ain’t like being no singer. The singers get all the pussy. Like the Bus Boys: they fuck everybody. Bus Boys will fuck anything that moves. Come to my house the fish stop swimming. They don’t play. Singers gets pussy. ‘cos you don’t have to, even you don’t have to look good, you can sing and get pussy. Just be interesting. ‘cos this Sex Symbol is getting pussy and is ugly motherfucker. ‘cos all you have to do is sing, its somethin bout singing, that is the business, you sing, women go crazy. Cos, Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker! With big ass lips! Mick Jagger’s lips are so big black people be going: “You got some big ass lips!” “These are big motherfucking lips!” But he’s singing! If you sing you’ll get over. Luther Vandross is a big Kentucky Fried Chicken eating motherfucker. But he put that shit up like…. And women go: Sing! ‘cos all you got to do is sing. Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good looking guy. But ain’t the most masculine fellow in the world. That’s Michael’s hook, his sensitivity! That’s when women be sayin’: “Michael’s just so sensitive…” And they eat that shit up. Mike knows. He be using women. I’ve seen Mike walk up to a girl and they’d be in the audience and say: “Is it allright if I come down there to sing to you…” And women go: “Whaaaaa!” Then, if you don’t scream, Michael gets really sensitive and cries on your ass. Ever hear that record “She’s out of my life”? “Tito, give me some tissues.” “Jermaine, stop teasing.” You just sing! I like dudes with masculine voices, you know, like Teddy Pendergrass. Teddy just comes out, takes the lyrics and: And scare the bitches that are liking him. That motherfucker’s crazy, throw your panties on the stage. That’s whats happening. I like Elvis Presley! Really I give credit where credit is due. When Elvis was young, he was a bad motherfucker. He was vicious. Sing his ass off. He sang so good, they let him do movies, he couldn’t act. They said: “Fuck it! Let him sing all his dialogues!” “Elvis, we got to win this race!” “We got to win this race….” “Elvis, want some lemonade?” “Lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink…” Let him sing ’till he was older too, Elvis was 42 years old. He would come out, his stomach was all fat and shit …and his butt be sticking out and shit… looking like he had to shit, out walking on the stage like this… “Excuse me.” Sing! That’s the key to it. You don’t even have to be able to talk. Just sing and get famous. James Brown‘s been singing for 20 years. I don’t know what the fuck James is talkin’ about! I don’t understand shit James says! I met him once at Saturday Night Live, walked up to him and said “James, I luv your stuff”. And whatever James is saying is some really heavy shit to James. ‘cos at the end of every sentence he ended up with: He meant that shit that he just said! And you getting mad you start putting the needle back “What the fuck did I just miss?” That’s a James Brown lyric. He wrote that shit! He’s writing a song and: “I need a word in here: Heaay!” “That’s good!” Band be going: “What the fuck is James talking about?” I don’t know but we’re getting paid, keep singing. And people take singers. There’s something about singers that people just love and shit. ‘Cos I… I did Stevie Wonder on a show once. And black people lost their motherfucking minds! I have brothers rawling up on me going: “Hey! You the motherfucker that’d been doing Stevie Wonder?” “That shit ain’t funny, motherfucker!” “Don’t you never let me see you do that shit again ! I’ll fuck you up!” “Stevie Wonder is a musical genius!” That’s terrible! That’s terrible, man! Your mother brought you up wrong. I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago, I said: “Look, Steve, I get 2 months flack over this impression.” “I don’t like doin’, I ain’t doing this shit no more.” Stevie says: “Well I feel that…” “Shut the fuck up!” ‘Cos you gotta cut Steve off quick, ‘cos if he starts rolling he talks your ears off. You ever seen Steve win a Grammy and come up to give one of those long ass acceptance speeches? “And the winner is Stevie Wonder!” ‘…God’s chosen and…” “Just take the motherfuckin award and get the fuck out!” ‘cos if you don’t say that the credits will be rolling and Stevie going: “And I’d like to thank…” I’ve been in the car and said: “Just shut the fuck up, Steve!” I’m telling you, genius and all that shit, but you’re my boy, man, we hang and, I mean, like, it’s nice and shit but I don’t appreciate all the flack. And personally, the piano and the singing, I told you how I feel about singing… “…I ain’t impressed.” “You wanna impress me? Take the wheel for a little while, motherfucker!” “I heard that shit, man!” “That shit wasn’t funny!” Then I suppose in your little sketch Stevie crashed in a tree, right? “Ha-ha, very funny, motherfucker!” “Your mother got a wooden leg with a kick stand, motherfucker!” “Your mother got a mouth in the back of her neck and the bitch chews like this!” “Motherfucker Stevie Wonder jokes and shit!” It’s hot as fuck in here! “Take it off!” No, I can’t take it off. Maybe ladies would run up the place holding their pussies going: “Aaaah !” What’s going on over there ? Ladies run down the street and… can’t do that. Do we have the icecream man around here? Remember when the icecream man used to come to town when you was little ? And no matter what you was doing you would stop and lose your fucking mind! There’s something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don’t hear their mothers calling but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck. And no matter what was was going on, the iceman came, it stopped. You be gettin’ some marbles and shit: “Icecream! Icecream! The icecream man is coming! The icecream man is coming!” “Mom! Mom!” “Throw down some money!” “The icecream man is coming!” Then your mother come to the window and be throwing change and say: and bring back my change. Catch all that shit and run down the street, top speed. Chasing icecream truck and: “Icecream!” Icecream man always drove extra blocks away. And I know he’s seen us and shit, but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say: “Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run” You’d be behind him doing 50 and going: “Icecream!” “Thank you, icecream man! Thank you!” I’d get my icecream and I didn’t eat it just sing for a little while. You know how kids are. “I have some icecream, I have some icecream, and I’m gonna eat it all, I’m gonna eat it all…” The icecream be running down your arm and shit “You don’t have no icecream! You didn’t get none! You didn’t get none! “‘cos you are under wellfare, you can’t afford it.” Other kids would join in: “You can’t afford it, and his father is an alcoholic!” “You dropped your icecream, you dropped your icecream…” Eat it. I could drop my icecream in a pile of shit and eat it. I would be like “It’s just sprinkles” Unless your mother catch you doin’ that nasty shit, though. My mother caught me doing that, she made me put it down in 1 sentence: And you dropped that shit, quick. Anybody got them mothers that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother, that was so ashoed she would do at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up, wherever she was aiming. And bad with the shoe, carry that shit like a gun, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe. And you fucked up, my mom was walking the room just like: “Why did you eat your icecream off the floor?” “I didn’t, I just…” Bad! Accurate! You’d be in a supermarket and shit and be grabbing cereals off the counter going: “Mom, can we get this?” ” I guess not!” And could be doing three different things, be on the phone with my grandmother, be cooking with this hand have the phone like this and be sayin’ “Yeah, mama, hold on a second.” Fuck you up and God forbid, my mother be dressed up and had them high heels on. Them pumps, ‘cos then she gets boomerang action going on your ass ! And fuck you up in your room, you won’t even know what the fuck happened. They can hear you when you’re getting ready to walk out the door. And hear you on the bunk beds fucking around. They got that mother hearing. “Wait a minute, baby.” “Let’s go.” She was the one who did all the disciplining around the house and shit. Very, very strict house I came from. And I remember when I first went to my first contact with a white family, it freaked me out. And I was there, I found some white kids can curse around the house! That fucked me up! Coz I couldn’t even say “dagg” around my house, my momma said “sounds too much like damn.” I got in trouble for saying shit the wrong way. I was in the house with Tom Kildez. His mother said “Tom you’re a little late. He said “Come on mom I’m moving as fast as I can shit.” And I was standing like this: And if I tried to pull some shit like that in my house? “Ed, you’re a little late!” “Oh, come on, pop, shit, what is this! Come on, damn!” My pop just go: “That motherfucker’s crazy!” Remember in the old days when you could beat up a woman? Remember that shit back in the 20’s, the guys just smacked their wives in the movies… And they just go: You can’t do shit like that no more. Women be takin’ aerobics, and they’ll fuck you up now! It’s scary too, man! Especially a black woman. You hit a black woman she lose her mind! Seriously. They go crazy, you can have a really timid sister for a girl, and smack it be like: “I’m gonna kill you, motherfucker! You don’t hit me like that! You don’t hit me shit! “You don’t put your hands on my face! “Baby, please, stop! Baby, please… stop! Baby, hold on, stop, please!” “Calm down, baby, calm down!” “You don’t hit me, motherfucker!” “So get the fuck out!” Throw you out your own house, you be so scared you get the fuck out too. That’s some shit. You know you’re scared when a woman says get the fuck out your own house and you leave. I had a girlfriend once, I smacked her and got all cool and shit. And then she got cool and scared me more and I just left. “I didn’t want to do that shit, baby! But you brought that shit on yourself” “Don’t make me have to do it again.” She said: “No, no I did bring it on myself.” “Why don’t you just go to sleep!” Got the fuck out. People are changing. Men are changing too, this shit the guys do now you couldn’t do what they did 30 years ago. In the old days, you had an argument with your girl in the car, she say: “Let me out of here!” Men would say: “No, no, we can’t have any of that.” And nowadays a woman say that shit, dude: “Get the fuck out!” Somebody broke wind in here! I’ve been trying like not say nothing but someone farted in this motherfucker. That’s some long-distance fart too, boy. I know you get down with your friends have a good time. Especially fellas..ya know they play that game, they play the fart game you know. You know you fart around your fellas and its funny. Dudes be doing that they be gettin’ in elevators farting and laughing and shit. It’s nasty ! You play the fart game. I think deep down inside people wanna smell other people’s farts. ‘Cos you smell them. And people always tell you they farted. They say: “I farted.” You don’t leave, you pause a second. “Yeah, you did!” ‘cos in the back of your mind you wanna grade the fart. ‘cos if it smells bad enough, two years later you be going: “Remember that fart you made, two years ago?” The fart game you play. Starts off around the house when you’re little. Your father introduces you to it. You’d be sitting in the house on a Saturday morning, watching cartoons and your father make a fart and: “That wasn’t me, that was your mother.” “Oh, baby, baby! I want a divorce, uh ! You’re rotten, baby, shit!” And you join in, grab your little brother, sit on his head and fart. You ever do that? That’s a fun game, you little brother freak out and go: “Waaah” And your father goes: “It’s the fart game, you’ll play one day son.” The fart game, you get your best friend in on that shit too. You can walk up to your best friend while he’s watching a football game and fart in his face. He won’t even get mad. He just go: “Ok, you got me.” “That was a good one, too! My mouth was open. My mouth was open on that!” I got a scar, over my eye till this day from playing the fart game in the bathtub. Me and my big brother used to play it. We were poor, we didn’t have mr. bubble, we played the fart game. “I think it’s smelly!” “I’m G.I Joe, I’m swimming on the water…” And my big brother was sitting in the other end of the tub, and made shit in the tub. He wanted to add some excitement to the game. He said: “And then a big brown shark came.” I jumped up and said: “Aaaaah.” Cut my eye on the soap dish, blood gushing out and shit. Screaming, my mother ran in the bathroom. Seeing my big brother sittin’ in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand. I was layin’ at the bottom of the water with blood gushing outta my eye… And G.I. Joe up my ass… My mother: “What the fuck is going on over here?” Can I hold somebody’s camera. Anybody bring a camera? Does its flash go immediately? Like I don’t have to be waiting like my aunt and shit “Wait a second now!” They try to press it and the shit don’t work they be going like: “There’s something wrong with it…” And it go immediately the flash. Are you sure? I’ll take a picture of the crowd, for myself. OK, y’all come over here on this now? You know? I’ll take two of them. This ain’t no instamatic motherfucker! I got to wait for the flash and shit! See you got me waiting I should break your shit. See the brothers sitting in the back go: “All this money and he taking motherfucking pictures!” “I want my picture took, I’d steal a car motherfucker!” “Hey, man, I said one fuckin’ picture!” “You’re going to ruin my fucking film, man. Come on, shit!” “Who the fuck do you think you are, man!” I’ll see you explain the last one to the guy at the Photomat. “That’s a picture of Eddie Murphy’s dick…” You know what would be a good picture? Can all the brothers stand up ? All the brothers in the audience? Straight up! Everybody up! Straight up! I’m serious! What the fuck are you doing? Will you, motherfucker stand up? Up! And all the ladies get the cameras up. We’re gonna set the record straight here. When I say go… …everybody whip out their dick and go: “Wuuuhaaa” Look how fast the white dudes sat down. Some of them still standing. Y’all must be Italian! We got some shit on us. We got all this shit! We got some dicks hanging down! Dicks down to this motherfucker! You don’t believe it. White people don’t believe it. What’s funny about it, white people are the ones that made up the rumor. “You know, black people have tremendous dicks, but I don’t believe it!” You know remains of the first dick was found in Africa? Big ass piece of bone dick on the floor. “What is this shit ?” “It’s an old dried up dick.” “That means the first dick belonged to a black man.” Dicks. We got the shit for it. We got nice asses, too. We got our shit on. You see a white dude would be in this suit like this. “All right, man! All right, maaan!” I got a friend, Doug, there go Doug, my friend, Doug’s ass is way up here on his back. Ain’t it, Doug? Doug be getting shit stains on his collar. And in restaurants be reaching for his wallet: “Lemme get my wallet” Coz we got our shit hooked, all this is hooked up with black people. Chinese people are fucked all around, coz they got little dicks and little asses. They do and its fucked up the way they walk. They be walking all light coz they ain’t got no shit pulling them down. Now, a brother’s dick is too big it fucks up his balance so he’d have to do all this shit… Everytime you see a brother in a wheel chair he ain’t always cripple. He’s got big shit hanging down! That’s why all the brothers model they drawers in the newspapers. Think ’bout it. I’ve been seeing newspapers every sunday morning. A white dude in his drawers… Never have no balls in they drawers. Smiling and shit. If I had no balls I wouldn’t be smiling this shit. “I don’t have any dick!” Brother be standing there… if a brother models his drawers they need an extra fold in the page. They’re selling underwear but this n i g g e r s dick is in my coffee. “Want me stir it for you?” That’s some true shit. What’s today’s date? Don’t go to cook-outs. I hate cook-outs man. Stay away from cook-outs, if you’re like me stay away. I don’t like my family come by the house, with the relatives I ain’t seen since the last cook-out. You got certain relatives you just see at the cook-out. And they get on your fuckin’ nerves every year. My uncle Gus come by the house every year. My uncle Gus is the uncle that likes to work the grill. And don’t let nobody touch the grill when he’s around and shit. As as soon as he walks in the house its like: “Get away from that grill you dunna know how to start a fire” “You dunna start no fire, put this fire out. This ain’t no fire goddamnit.” “Eddie. Eddie go over there get all of that wood I need half a tree. Chop that tree.” “Chop down that tree and give me the wood.” “And Charlie go get me 2 gallons of gasoline out the shed.” “Two gallons of gasoline, you kids roll up your shirt we’re gonna start a fire.” “Come on, you wanna eat? You wanna eat?.” “Then shut up and put it on the fire.” “O.k. put that wood on the side there.” “O.k. gimme the gasoline Charlie.” “Hold the match, when I tell you throw the match on the gasoline all right?” “When I tell you right? We gonna make a fire. We gonna eat. “Here we go pour the gasoline on like this.” “We need the hole 2…get that goddamn lighter fluid out of here we can’t use that shit.” “Using all the 2 gallons gasoline on this wood.” “And make a fire, we’re gonna eat a hamburger o.k.?” “Here we go, Charlie throw the match.” “NOW THAT”S A FIRE!” “That’s a fire, look at that, look at that.” “He be alright, roll Charlie ’round, roll him around.” And uncle Gus is married to my aunt Bunny. My aunt Bunny got a moustache and shit! You know one of them lady moustaches? It was really cool, back when she was 20. Ladies had them little thin ones and shit. Then when they get about 45 like aunt Bunny they be havin’ a Billy Dee Williams’ look. The shit is bigger than a man’s and shit ! Aunt Bunny weight like 300 pounds. Like 250, real heavy lady and shit. And the kids were scared of her. You got that kid logic going. I remember my aunt Bunny come by the house. It was like. I was petrified coz she always wanted to kiss me and touch me and some shit. Soon as she walked on the door was like: “Come here and give aunt Bunny a kiss, baby.” Then you go: “Waaaaa!” And my mom would say: “Why don’t you go and kiss your aunt Bunny ?” Kids don’t give a fuck, they go: “She’s got a moustache!” Why do kids move so slow when they be crying? “Stop making all that noise!” “I said shut up!” You be mad coz your mother hit you. You be standing there wishing hateful shit on your mother. “God please kill her !” “I hope she gets hit by a truck and die!” “I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!” Shut up or I’ll come and give you something to cry about. Than my pop starts talking. And my pop is fucked up every 4th of July!” Black men like to claim the house when they’re drunk. Men period I think, like to claim their house. They want you to know that if you drunk and they’re drunk. And you in their house, that it’s their house. My father standing in the middle of the cook-out saying: “It’s my house!” “You know that it is? And if you don’t like it, you get the fuck out!” “I don’t give a fuck!” “I don’t give a… I pay the motherfucker bills in this motherfucker!” “And, hey… Kiss my ass if you don’t like it!” “Yes! Yes, motherfucker, yes!” ‘cos you know what it is? I’m drunk. So what? Beautiful! I’m drunk. I’m drunk! So what? I’m drunk. “You know what? I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen, I was drinking out of my glass in my motherfucker house.” “So, fuck it!” Then he attacks the whole family, like: “Gus! Gus, can I ask you a question?” “Why is the fire so big?” “Why you made the fire so big? Look at this shit! Is a motherfucker ridiculous, Gus!” “The fire is too motherfucker big! Why? You’re coming in every motherfuckin’ year, Gus…” “…and you burn out my motherfucker backyard! Why?” “I’m cooking motherfucker hamburgers this big?” “I’m not cookin’ no motherfucking brontosaurus burgers in this motherfucker!” “This ain’t the motherfucking Flintstones, Gus! It’s my house, motherfucker!” “Look at Charlie standing over there with 3rd degree burns on em.” “It doesn’t make sense no. But you take things too far Gus.” “I tell you go an inch, you go 3 inches. Tell you go 4 inches you go 5.” “Give a n i g g a rope gonna be a cowboy Gus.” “Why don’t you listen. Eddie, get that motherfucking dog away from my plate.” “I’m gonna shoot this dog.” “I’m gonna shoot this mother… shut up. I’m gonna shoot it. Stop crying.” “Stop crying Eddie, cuz you can get the fuck out.” “You’re gettin’ the fuck… I know you’re seven!” “But you’ll be a seven year old walkin’ the dog no house motherfucker!” “I hate this motherfucking dog.” “You don’t spend time with the dog Eddie.” “You don’t feed the motherfucker.” “You don’t pet it. You don’t even know what the fuck the dogs name is anymore do you” “The dog don’t give a fuck he don’t know his name. The dog is 3 yrs old don’t know his name.” “Watch this: Coco ! Where the fuck is it goin’? The dog’s stupid!’cos you don’t spend time with the motherfucker.” I’m supposed to work hard all day and come home to feed the motherfucking dog? Fuck no, I’m not feeding the motherfucker!” “You know Eddie, when nobody’s home.” “When nobody’s home you know what I do?” “I walk to the dog and I kick the motherfucker!” “I kick the motherfucker with everything I got, Eddie! And then I giggle my motherfucking ass off.” “‘cos I hate the motherfucker ! ‘cos you don’t clean up behind it! “This ain’t Scooby-Doo motherfucker!” “Why can’t you clean the dog.” “The dog shits all over the house. If noone tells you Eddie you don’t clean the shit.” “You let the shit stay forever.” “Shit been in the den for 6 months Eddie.” It’s been in the den for 6 months, you kids go pass it you act like you don’t see it. “And unless you’re told you won’t clean the shit.” “The shit is hard as a rock now! It’s like motherfuckin furniture in there!” “I went in there last week to watch the fight, and said fuck it I put my drink on top of it Eddie” “It’s a coffee table now! Why can’t you clean up shit?” “My friends come over and they oh that’s lovely. It’s not lovely it’s a piece of shit.” “‘Cos my children don’t listen !” Then my aunt Bunny would fall down the steps. Almost every year. Ever had a heavy set aunt fall down the steps? Make a whole lotta fucking noise! It’s scary, too, ‘cos they’ll be calling Jesus on the way down! And aunts don’t like to fall straight down the steps like a kid, They be trying to break the fall and hold it and stop the shit. And that’s what makes the fall take a half hour then. Real loud, like: “Lord, Jesus Christ, help my lord, please, Jesus, please!” “Jesus, God, help, my lord, Jesus, help me I’m falling down the steps oh lord Jesus Christ please!” “My shoe!” “Oh lord Jesus God help us!” “I’m half way down now help my lord Jesus !” “Lilian!” “What is all that fuckin’ noise?!” “Lilian! The bitch is falling down the steps again !” “Lilian ! Lilian !” “What’s wrong, Bunny ?” “I fell down the steps !” “Bunny fell down the steps ! Bunny fell down the steps !” Eddie, go get your aunt Bunny something cool for her head !” “What happened ?” “Bunny fell down the steps !” “Hey, Charlie ! Aunt Bunny fell down the steps !” “Gus ! What the fuck is wrong with your wife ?” “Why can’t she walk the fryer steps? You come up every fuckin’ year, Gus…” “… and you burn down my motherfucker backyard and your wife rips down the steps !” “Why ? I work hard to get my place beautiful…” “…and then the motherfucker come over and rips the steps down !” “Look at the motherfucker steps ! They’re fucked up, Gus !” “Why can’t she walk the steps ? You know why she can’t walk the steps ?” “‘cos she’s a fat hairy bitch ! That’s why !” “That’s why, Gus ! And my children are afraid of your wife.” “Eddie’s afraid of her ! He has nightmares about your wife !” I went to his room last week, Gus, he was in the bed screaming, Oh, help me, help me !” “I just walk up to him, shake him, ask: What’s wrong ? He said: Aunt Bunny is coming to get me !” “He’s afraid of your wife, ‘cos she has a bigger moustache than his father !” But you know what it is, Gus ! I figured out about your wife. And I’m gonna say it.. I figured out about your wife. I know where you met your wife. You told me you met your wife 15 years ago on a motherfucking camping trip… “…and that your wife was portorican. Your wife ain’t no motherfucker portorican !” “I thought she wasn’t from the first minute ‘cos I walked up to her I said: “Hi, my name is Vernon.” And she said: “Hello, I’m Bunny. Guni gugu !” “What the fuck does guni gugu mean, Gus ?” “I don’t know what the fuck that shit is as to this day. I thought I learned some new Spanish shit !” I went up to my friend: “Hey, Sanchez ! Guni gugu ! And Sanchez says: “Get the fuck outta here !” I’ve been walking around for years confused. And I finally figured out about your wife, where you met your wife. “You didn’t meet your motherfucker wife on no camping trip !” “Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn’t she, Gus ?” “Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn’t she, that’s why the bitch’s mustache is so motherfucker thick !” “‘Cos you shaved the bitch down and taught it to speak !” “I know a motherfuckin’ Bigfoot when I see one !” “You bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus ? On my children ?” The bitch can’t talk, she can’t walk the fryer steps ! She’s not trained well, Gus !” She can not walk steps. I bet she climb the fuck out a tree though, don’t she, Gus ?” “Doesn’t she ? Doesn’t she ?” “But you had to bring her out here !” Fuck her ! And your motherfucker children? They’re Bigfeet too ! They’re half Bigfoot, Gus. “Cos the m.f. is 6 yrs old and have afros 17 inches long.” “They’re little hairy m.f. just like their mother.” Look at the motherfuckers, you know how I found out they was bigfoot? When I took your kids fishing last week. I put the motherfuckers in the boat Gus. And I took the worm and I put it on the hooks. And they both sat there, and put the poles down in the boat. And slammed their face in the water, for 2 mins. And I think what the fuck are these kids doin. Then they start movin their heads like this and the motherfuckers come up with fish. I jumped back and said can you believe this motherfuckin shit. Then kid took the fish out of his mouth, looked at his brother and said: “Guni gugu !” “I said, what the fuck is going on here ?” “Normal kids don’t do shit like that, Gus ! But I’ll tell you somethin’ motherfucker !” You can take your motherfucker hairy fat ass white mustache bitch out the fuck. “you can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin’ dog and scoop up the shit…” “and take Eddie and get these motherfucker long Angela Davis afro-ware motherfucker kids of yours… “…and put them in the motherfucker guni gugu-mobile and get the fuck out !” “And if my wife don’t like it she can get the fuck out too !” “You missed me, bitch !” Thank you ! Oh, Jesus. Oh, shit… I’m in Washington D.C. ! Jesus ! Christ ! This is where Reagan lives. Not far from here. Hey Ron everyone’s booing and I ain’t said shit. Well, tell us something we don’t know, motherfucker ! It ain’t like people sit around going “Really does it suck?” Shit’s changing though, we got black politicians now. Who’s that boy… Harold Washington? Harold Washington said: “Fuck it!” And won. I know he’s still sitting around going: “I really won the motherfucker?” And Jesse Jackson seen that shit and said: “Fuck it, imma run too, fuck it” “Jesse you can win” i see these brothers going. “You can win Jesse, coz you’re bigger than motherfucking Harold Washington.” “Fuck Harold Washington.” “Fuck him man, run for president.” And Jesse going: “Yeah, fuck that shit.” I’ve seen Jesse in the gym, working the fuck out, too, for getting into shape. You know he got a chance he can win. White dudes like to do shit like that… …vote for the wrong dude as a goof. They get drunk and shit and go like: “Let’s vote for Jesse Jackson!” “I just voted for Jesse Jackson!” And next day would be like this: “He fuckin’ won?” Jesse knows that shit can happen. He gets in shape. I’ve seen him running round the track and shit. I said: “Why the fuck you getting in shape like this?” He says: “”cos I’m gonna be the first black president.” “I have to give speeches like this: My fellow Americans! As your president I feel And dude be going: “He won’t stand still!” I ain’t hooked up into all that racism shit. My motto is, life just be happy with the motherfuckers. I ain’t into all that racism shit. Racism ain’t as bad as it used to be anyway man.. I mean its fucked up but, They don’t call n i g g e r s, n i g g e r s no more and shit. White people don’t say it. Especially when there’s n i g g a s around. So I guess I wouldn’t know it. I went to Texas to look into racism, about two months ago. I had a show down in Texas, got off the plane and shit, walked up looking for racism. My friends always told me: “You better not go to Texas! They’ll fuck you up!” And when a modern day brother here that shit “What! They ain’t fucking nobody up!” Brothers act like they couldn’t have been slaves back 200 years ago. Its like motherfuckers liked that shit. “I wish I was a slave; I would fuck somebody up!” “Shit..tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton.” “I would have been on the street and shit.. “He would came up and say ey yo n i g g a bale this cotton?” “I’d say suck my dick master.” “Suck my motherfucking dick.” “That’s right I ain’t baling a motherfucker.” The first dude that got off the boat said that shit. “Bale that cotton.” “Fuck you, motherfucker!” Other motherfuckers say: “We bale the shit, just keep that shit away.” “Just keep that fuckin’ shit away from me.” I got of the motherfucking plane, walked up, Got up, walked up, my bag. All my black shit on, black leather, big ass medallion and shit on like this. Little white dude walk up and say: “This your bag?” I said: “Yes, my fuckin’ bag!” “Why, motherfucker? A black man can’t have a suitcase?” And the dude is like: “What the fuck’s wrong with this guy?” Wasn’t that bad at all. I’m winded. I’m out of breath. Sweating and shit. “Do take it off!” “Shut up, bitch!!” Y’all didn’t know I was a ventriloquist too. Shit ain’t as bad as it used to be. You know who get it real bad now? Chinese people. They are the ones who be getting fucked over bad. You be teasin’ them and shit. Ever go into a restaurant and order up some food. Chinese dude would be in there. and when he leave you do like this: Everybody makes fun of Chinese when they order some food up and shit. And they’re nice guys, be all courteous and shit. Your friends and shit be laughing. And he look out the back and say: “The food is coming right up.” He be in the back watching us: “Very funny. Very funny.” “Make a special Won-Ton soup for him…” I wonder if they have, like a McDonald’s in China? Chinese people would be walking and say: “Give me a Big Mac and a strawberry shake, a large order fry and a cherry pie.” And dude say: “Big Mac, strawberry shake, large order fry and a cherry pie, coming right up.” That’s a fucked up language too, Chinese. Hard to learn. I wanna learn to speak Spanish. That’s the shit. You know what I’d really want to speak? I’d like to learn how to speak French, ‘cos that’s some cool shit, French. You can say “I gotta shit” in French and it would sound good: Just sounds good. I don’t like that shit that Arabic. That the motherfuckers be speaking in the 7-11. That shit’s fucked for me. It sounds nasty and shit, would be getting like: That’s a word in Arabic: That means some shit to them! “Could I have a hamburger cheese roll?” “Never mind, man.” “I don’t want no hakana on my bread, motherfucker!” Spanish language. You know why I want to learn how to speak Spanish? Coz I was always a Ricky Ricardo buff. When he would get mad of Lucy and be saying: I’d say: “Go on Ricky curse the bitch out.” Ricky would lose his mind. Ricky was cool and shit. For the fifties Desi Arnaz, Ricky Ricardo was a cool motherfucker. He had his baggies on, pointed shoes, in the club Babaloo and shit. Remember that shit? You be sittin’ there like this: He had a cool ass laugh too, it was like: “It’s justa ridiculous!” “Hey, Fred ! How would you like to fuck me up the ass?” TV is all screwed… Any kids here? I mean, little kids. I don’t like you bringing those kids down here. How old are you, man? How old? 13? Oh, you’re gonna be fucked up when you leave. “Dad! What’s a dick, what is that?” How old is the other girl, over there? Oh, y’all fucked up now! Y’all thought I would be going like this: You didn’t know I’d be saying: “A dick this big!” The kid’s gonna be waking up and: “A negro’s dick’s coming to get me mom!” I’m gonna tell you all a joke you can tell in school, all right, ‘cos I’ve been telling this dirty stuff. Here’s a little joke… Y’all can listen to it too. I know lots of times people seen my show then go to work and try to tell and fuck my jokes up on the job and shit. “…and then he said guni gugu!” “And he had a G.I. Joe up his ass!” “Hey, I’m Mr. T, I’ll rip your cock off with my ass!” And dude be standing all: “Yeah, very funny shit, right…” Here’s a joke you can tell at school, when school starts. Everybody be quiet now. Are you listening guys? A bear and a rabbit are takin’ a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says: “Excuse me, you have problems with shit sticking to your fur ?” And the rabbit says: “No.” So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. I like that joke. Oh, shit! Anybody got cable? I’ve been watching a lot of cable lately ‘cos I’m so mad with it. Only good TV show now is Star Trek. That’s some good shit! I like Captain Kirk, ‘cos Captain Kirk will fuck anybody! I’ve seen him beamed down on a planet- ever seen that when he’s fucked this dream bitch? You gotta be a horny motherfucker to fuck a dream bitch! I mean, I’m no racist, but if the bitch is green there’s something wrong with the pussy! He’ll be fucking a mutant and: Ship be gettin’ all fucked up. Mr Scott, I like him he made me laugh, he’s never cool and shit. He’s the opposite of Spock. The ship be all fucked up and Mr. Scott say: “Captain, my ship can’t take much more of this sir. She’s about to blow!” “Let Spock handle it.” And Spock say: “Mr Scott, why don’t you take the phasers and point them at the dylithium crystals and point them phasers at them and then use the power from the phasers to regenerate the dylithium crystals and we can get out on the impulse power.” “Mr Spock! It just might wax it!” “The shit worked last week, motherfucker!” I got fed up with TV and shit, coz I seen all the Star Treks. I start watching cable. I was watching Poltergeist last month. I got a question. Why don’t white people just leave the house when there’s a ghost in the house? Y’all stay in the house too fuckin’ long. Get the fuck out of the house! Very simple: If there’s a ghost in the house, get the fuck out! And not only did they stay in the house with the poltergeist, they invite more people over! Sitting around going: “Our daughter Carroll-Ann’s in the television set.” I would have been gone. If I had a daughter, went down to the precinct and say “Look man, I went home my fucking daughter’s in the t.v. set and I just fucking left.” You can have all this, I ain’t going back to the motherfucker. I just came down so when she ain’t at the school you don’t think I killed the bitch or anything like that. But she is inside the tv set you can have all that shit. Thank you. “Mr. Murphy didn’t you try to save your daughter?” Yeah, I’m a man, see I tried to save her I turned the channels the shit didn’t work. I got the fuck out. The kid was only 6 years old in the movie, they couldn’t have been to attached to her. In the Amityville Horror the ghost told them to get out of the house. White people stayed in there. Now that’s a hint and a half for your ass. A ghost say get the fuck out, I would just tip the fuck out the door! Lou Walker looked in the toilet bowl, there was blood in the toilet. And said, “That’s peculiar.” I would’ve been in the house saying: “Oh baby this is beautiful.” “We got a chandelier hanging up here, kids outside playing. Its a beautiful neighbourhood.” “We ain’t got nuttin to worry, I really love it this is really nice.” “GET OUT!” “Too bad we can’t stay, baby!” You know, I wanna say something. I think maybe like 30 years ago there was a woman that wanted to sing, a black lady wanted to sing opera… What was her name? Mary Anderson? And this place was like segregated and she couldn’t sing here. And she couldn’t sing in the place. And here we are, like not even 50 years later, A 22 year old black male on stage getting paid to hold his dick. God bless America! I gotta go now. Y’all take it easy, bye bye !

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

JIM JEFFERIES: FREEDUMB (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-freedumb-2016-full-transcript/

[rock music playing] [audience cheering] [Jim Jefferies] Thank you. Oh, my God. Sit down. [audience continues cheering] All right. Get down, get down. We got jokes to tell. Come on. [chuckles] All right, let’s start this shit. Bill Cosby. [audience laughing] Now, I don’t know if you get all the news here in Nashville… but I may say something that’s very upsetting to many of you. It turns out that Bill Cosby is a rapist. [audience laughing] I know. I always used to watch him on the telly as a kid, and I always used to think to myself… “Ah, I bet he doesn’t rape.” But… [audience laughing] I’ve been wrong before and I’ll be wrong again, ’cause it turns out that his favorite thing is rape. He fucking loves raping people. Now, think about your favorite thing. You might be into sports, gardening, golf. I don’t know what the fuck you’re into. Now think about it. Now replace it… with rape. [audience laughing] And that’s how Bill Cosby feels all day, every day. Now, I did this routine in Australia, and they wrote a horrible review of the show. And I hate that people forget that I’m a comedian and that I’m joking. But I have to do this little public service announcement before I do this routine. [breathes deeply] I believe, in many ways, rape is wrong. [audience laughing] I believe, when possible, you should always avoid raping people. If you leave the show this evening, and you’re thinking about raping someone, Jim Jefferies says no. [audience cheering and applauding] But Bill Cosby wouldn’t listen to me, would he? Fuck! ‘Cause he fucking loves raping. Sixty women have come forward. Sixty women. It’s a big number, isn’t it? Sixty. Actually, a little bit too big. The real number is 52. But I can say what I want up here, so I just rounded it up to 60. Who gives a fuck, right? Plus, I’m of the opinion, after you rape 20, same prison time, keep raping, I say. So… Seventy women have come forward, all right? What happened is, your Whoopi Goldbergs of this world, when the accusations first came out, they were like, “Oh, I don’t know if I believe all these women. They’re trying to ruin his legacy, or some bullshit like that.” ‘Cause these rapes happened in the ’70s and the ’80s, and they said, “What took these women so long to come forward?” It’s a good question. I think it’s because, as rapes go… they weren’t the worst rapes, now, were they? He never held them down and fucking raped them. He used to drug them and finger them a bit. And I’ve had worse Christmases with uncles. What I’m trying to say is this. If I was ever going to be raped, I’d like to be raped by Bill Cosby. [audience laughing] ‘Cause I’ve been such a big fan of his for so many years, it would just be wonderful to meet him. How else would I get to meet him, you know? Of course, you know, we’re in the same business. Comedy. [audience laughing] So anyway, he’d drug the girls’ drinks and they’d pass out. Now, I don’t know the plight of the attractive female. I don’t know the hell they go through on a daily basis. But I do know this. If someone drugged my drink, I would take it as a compliment. I’d be in the bar going, “I’m getting sleepy. Who likes me? Who is it?” So he drugs the drink, and then you pass out for about four hours, then you wake up and you’re like, “What the fuck happened?” And the first thing you would see is that hysterical face of his. And he’d have a couple of fingers in you. And he’d be going… [imitating Bill Cosby] “With the fingering, and the drugging, and the raping and the fingering.” Tell me your first reaction wouldn’t be laughter. You’d be driving home before the fingering upset you. You’d be in your car going, “Bill Cosby! That was really something! No, he shouldn’t have fingered me. That was wrong.” Now… I did that comedy routine, which is… I was joking just then. I did that in Australia, and they wrote a very nasty article about me with the headline, “You Cannot Joke About Rape.” – [grunts] – [audience laughing] Turns out you can. I just fucking did it. And I think we can all agree that I nailed it. [audience cheering and applauding] You can joke about anything. A joke doesn’t mean intent. It doesn’t mean you’ve actually done it. What this lady did was she wrote an article about me, and she did a transcript of the actual routine in the article, wrote down every word I said. Now, I hate this. And I’ll tell you why. Because my whole skill in life is being able to say horrible things and still seem likable. [audience laughing] You take the whole… [grunts] out of it. See, if you read my material… it’s a bad read. [audience laughing] If you just read, “As rapes go, they weren’t…” “Oh, my God!” See, then she started to write and say things like, “It is Jim Jefferies’ opinion that women should be happy when they’re drugged.” Not my opinion. It was a joke I said, not my opinion. Not something that I think, something that I think is funny. There is a big fucking difference between things that I think and things that I think are funny to say. If you wanna know, my actual opinion is this. I don’t wanna be raped by Bill Cosby. [audience laughing] He’s a horrible fucking man and should go to prison. That’s what my real opinion is. But if I came out and said that, you’d go, “Oh, Jim’s lost his edge.” [audience laughing] See, people started protesting in front of the show, and people stopped showing up. Even though the shows were sold out because I was being deemed a rapist or something. Yeah, okay. You know who never had someone protest their gigs because of their material? Bill Cosby! ‘Cause you gotta give it to Bill. What a dignified man. He never said the swear words. He never lowered himself… to my level. What a class act he is. [audience cheering and applauding] ‘Cause that’s why people went to see Bill Cosby, ’cause they wanted to see a good, clean, wholesome comedian… who rapes… rather than a person like myself, who is just going to say horrible things… and rapes very occasionally, like, hardly… I also got backlash for my last special, BARE, which is also on Netflix. [stutters] I did a lot of misogynistic jokes on that special. I’m not gonna hide behind it. I said a lot of misogynistic things on BARE, and I got a lot of complaint letters. And, look, I find it weird because… BARE was my fifth special, and I feel like I’ve been misogynistic on all my specials… and I haven’t gotten a complaint letter till now. It just proves that, with women, you really have to fucking repeat yourself before they’ll listen. [audience applauding] I… I’ll defend a misogynistic joke as I defended the rape joke, as I’ll defend any jokes. It’s… I’m joking. This is a performance. I’m an entertainer. This isn’t a TED Talk. You’re not meant to take any of this fucking seriously. The only time the hate mail bothers me… is when it’s directed at my girlfriend or they write to her directly, the mother of my child. People will write to her on Twitter or whatever, and say, “You have no self-respect going out with Jim Jefferies.” And I hate that. ‘Cause she knows that. She… She doesn’t need you people bothering her. She has fucking chores to do. Now… [audience laughing] I got my girlfriend pregnant after knowing her for six weeks. I feel… Yeah, no, it’s not good, six weeks. I think she wants to get married, and the reason I think that is ’cause she says that a lot. And I don’t want to get married. Everyone in my life is pressuring me into getting married. I hate when my mother rings me up and goes, “Why don’t you marry the girl? You have a child with her.” And I’m like, “Yeah, I’ve got a kid. An 18-year commitment. I’ve signed onto that like a bad fucking phone contract.” I’m a great dad. I got 15 years left, then I’m fucking off. But marriage is until death. It’s a shit contract. Hundred years ago, the life expectancy of an American was 52. Now it’s 83. Fuck that! [audience laughing] I’ve got a life to live! If I was gonna die at 52, sure, let’s have some company. I would have got married in the Dark Ages, when 50% of women died during childbirth. I would have rolled the dice on that bad boy. But she works out every day and she eats kale just to spite me. Six weeks, she got pregnant. Six weeks! I feel like I missed out on something. Six weeks is very quick to get pregnant. I missed out on the new girlfriend. The new girlfriend’s the best time of your life. That first three months of the new boyfriend or girlfriend, the new relationship, where the person’s fucking perfect. And you’re like, “Oh, my God… I love this person.” After a month, you’re like, “This…” You’re drinking with her like, “She’s drinking beer. Do you wanna watch Star Wars?” And she’s like, “I do.” And you’re like, “Fucking hell!” Yeah, and she’s getting along with your friends. Your mother’s like, “I think she’s the one.” You go, “I think she’s the one as well.” ‘Cause women can hold the psycho down for three months. For three months, they can walk around like a functioning member of society. Showing up at your work parties and not crying. At three months and one day, you come out of the shower, and she’s huddled over your phone like Gollum. Just… [audience laughing] So I went from the new girlfriend, best feeling in the world, to dating a pregnant chick. Now, no one has ever said this and never recorded anything like this. No one’s ever said it in a public forum. But the pregnant are the worst people on Earth. [audience laughing] For some reason, society has told us that they have some type of glow or some shit. The pregnant are a bunch of cunts, the pregnant. [audience cheering] They… They cry when they’re happy, when they’re sad. You don’t know what fucking cry… And you ever tried fighting with a pregnant person in a public place? [exclaims] [audience laughing] Doesn’t matter how right you are. Me and Kate, she was seven months pregnant, were walking around the supermarket, right? Walking around… and I got some Coco Pops to put in the trolley. Now, you call them Cocoa Krispies in this country. How different our cultures are. And… I put the Coco Pops in the shopping cart. “Trolley.” And, uh… And Kate picked them up and put them back on the shelf. It was very confusing ’cause I’d never seen Coco Pops go in the opposite direction. [audience laughing] And my brain skipped a bit, and I went, “Uh…” [exhales] “I think you made a mistake there, Kate.” And I went to get them back, and she goes, “You’re not having them.” And I went, “But I… I always have them.” And she went, “You’re getting fat.” [audience laughing] So I did my drop-the-mic moment. I picked up the Coco Pops and went… And she snapped and went, “Do you want me to lose this baby?” And I went, “Um, fuck, that was quick! Of course I do. You’re a fucking nightmare!” You ever been in a bar at 4:00 a.m., talking to some guy, and he’s telling you how shitty his life is? And he’s like, “My dad, my dad’s an asshole. Didn’t even know my dad. Walked out on my mum when she was pregnant with me.” And I used to think, “What a dick.” And now I’m like… [grunts] [audience laughing] “I’m sure he had his reasons. Who am I to judge, eh?” So she gets pregnant. We got to go to these baby classes. We go to baby classes at the hospital, where they teach you how to put nappies on and shit. And you swaddle. You’ve got [stutters] the dummy, and you swaddle it. And then the lady goes, “That’s a good swaddle.” And you go, “I thought it was. I’ve been practicing.” Most of it’s watching videos from the ’80s. They put on actual videos. You’re meant to watch and learn how to parent. One of the videos we watched was called Don’t Shake the Baby. Don’t Shake the Baby is 40 minutes long. You don’t need to watch Don’t Shake the Baby. All the information you need is in the title. Who picks up a copy of Don’t Shake the Baby and thinks to themselves, “Oh… maybe there’s more to this. [stutters] But what if I’m really angry? What if I’m shaking my wife and she’s holding the baby?” The course was basically a Tupperware party. Trying to sell us shit. And we bought a car seat, and a stroller, and this thing you put the bottle in that steams and sterilizes it. If you don’t have the steamy, sterilizey machine, you gotta boil the bottles, and that’s a pain in the ass. All right, here’s a tip. You don’t have to sterilize baby bottles. I stopped sterilizing Hank’s bottles after two days. I told Kate I was still doing it. But I wasn’t. And I’ll tell you why. Because 80% of the time, he’s being breast-fed. And we never sterilize those tits. We never had a special steamy, cleany machine for the tits. In fact, for the first three weeks after the birth, her cunt was all fucked up, so I used to jack off on the tits. And he’d wake up – and have a midnight feeding. – [audience laughing] And what I’m saying is, no one’s dead, are they? Like… Sure, he gets cold sores and whatnot. But… he’s different. He’s a unique little boy. Leave him alone! So anyway… when you impregnate a person that you don’t know particularly well, sometimes, when it comes to parenting, you’re not on the same page. So me and Kate were watching 60 Minutes, or 20/20 or something, and they were doing a story on vaccination, and I turned to Kate and said, “People who don’t vaccinate their kids are a pain in the ass.” And Kate said, “Hank’s not vaccinated.” And I went, “Oh, fuck.” You know when someone says something and your brain goes, “That’s gonna take up a lot of your time”? ‘Cause the dynamic of our relationship is this. I go on the road and tell jokes to make the family money. She’s meant to stay home and make sure that Hank doesn’t die. And, between me and you, I think she’s doing a shit job. And I said, “Why isn’t he vaccinated?” And she goes, “I think it leads to autism.” And I went, “Oh, what medical evidence do you have that it leads to autism?” And she said, “Jenny…” And I said, “Don’t even fucking say ‘McCarthy.’ Don’t even say it, ’cause that’s not evidence, that’s Jenny McCarthy. I have nothing against the woman. She’s a comedian and a Playmate. They’re my two favorite types of people. But I don’t get my medical advice from them. It’s one of my things.” And she went, “But her son’s autistic.” And I went, “Is he? Is he really? Or is he just Jenny McCarthy’s kid?” [audience cheering] All right. “Did we expect a member of Mensa to fall out of that woman?” And she said, “What difference does it make? No one gets smallpox. No one gets polio.” It’s frustrating when they say that, because you’re like, [mockingly] “Because of fucking vaccination.” [normal voice] I said, “And furthermore, my mother had polio.” That’s true, Gunta had polio. My mother can work polio into any conversation. You’ll be having dinner with my mother and she’ll go, “Ah… maybe I will have some chocolate cake. ‘Cause I couldn’t when I was young. I had polio.” I believe that my mother secretly loves the fact that she had polio, ’cause polio does a lot of heavy lifting for her shit personality. [audience laughing] Anyway, so we fought, and we fought, and we fought, and I didn’t win. Can’t win every argument. Hank’s not getting vaccinated. So cut to three weeks later, we’re doing Season 2 of Legit, and I had to do a medical… – [man whistles] – Oh, thank you. [audience applauding] Um… I think we were the only ones who liked it. I, uh… We’re doing Season 2 of Legit, and the network are trying to insure me for $8 million. That’s how much a season costs. So I have to do a studio physical. And they’re insuring me in case I die, ’cause the show would’ve ended. Or if I got some mental problem and started stabbing people. That would also be a problem. It’s like a three-hour physical. I’m jogging on treadmills, and psychological tests… I’m jogging on this treadmill with all these things on me and this tube coming out of my mouth. I get off, and the doctor’s writing something down. And I thought, “I’ll slip it into conversation,” and I went, “Hey. It’s, um… It’s not that important to vaccinate kids, is it?” And she went, “Only if you want them to live.” Right? [chuckling] She didn’t even look up, right? And I said, “Are you serious?” And she goes, “Let me put it this way. I would not let my children play with an unvaccinated child.” So I thought, “That’s all the information I need.” So behind Kate’s back… and this is super illegal… and involves forging her signature three times… I booked Hank in to get all of his shots on one day, which the doctor didn’t recommend, but I’m a busy guy. [audience laughing] Now, I was about to come home to pick up Hank to take him to get his vaccination shots. I knew that Kate was going to be home with Hank, so I knew we were about to have the biggest fight ever. You know when you’re about to fight with your partner, but they don’t know you’re about to have a fight, so you have the upper hand? So what you do is, you think horrible shit about that person all day, so in case they cry, you can enjoy yourself. [audience laughing] No matter what happens, I will always say this. Kate is the nicest human being I have ever met. For niceness, I can’t fault her. [stutters] She is just a good soul. She only sees the good in people. She will never say a bad word about another human being. And… so it’s weird. So I’m driving home, I’m trying to think bad thoughts about the nicest person on Earth, and it’s really difficult. So I’m in my car like, “Fucking Kate. Who the fuck does she think she is, fucking… keeping the house nice? Fucking bitch. She left that plate in the sink. That was a fucking nightmare. I remember that. Oh, no, that was me. I did that. But she cleaned it up, and that’s enabling, and that’s fucking bullshit right there.” So I came back just fucking steaming. “All right, here we fucking go. Game’s on.” I come home, she’s sitting down, lovingly playing with our child, and she looks up and she goes, “Hey, honey!” And I went, “Don’t… fucking ‘honey’ me!” And she said, “What’s wrong?” And I said, “I’ll tell you what’s right! Hank’s getting vaccinated today, and there’s nothing you can do!” And I pick up Hank, and she starts screaming. He’s one, so he’s super attached to his mother. And he’s like, “Mummy, Mummy!” I’m like, “Your mum can’t fucking help you now!” [audience laughing] I go out to where the car’s parked. I throw him in. I’m doing him up in his seat. Kate comes out and she starts slapping my back. I’m like, “Get the fuck off me!” She dramatically falls to the ground. I look up, and two of the neighbors are out of their houses. They’re quintessentially watching me kidnap a child and beat up my girlfriend. [audience laughing] And I’m too far gone now, so I doubled down and went, “Get back in your fucking houses!” Then I put him in his seat. I got in the driver’s seat and I fucking fishtailed out of there. And Kate’s on her knees and she screams out, “Fine! But if he becomes autistic, it’s on you!” And I thought, “Would she consider that a win?” So anyway… I take Hank off. I get him all of his shots. I bring him home. And he’s definitely autistic now. [audience laughing] It’s like night and day, like, the kid before the shots and the kid after… Before the shots, he was this lively kid, afterwards, I brought him home, he’s sitting in the corner, going… [screaming] And I’m like, “Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh… Oh, Kate’s gonna notice this.” [audience laughing] And so, I did whatever I did when I knew I was in trouble. I lie. So I put Hank in a BabyBjörn. He’s hanging off me like… [screams] hanging off my chest. ‘Cause I couldn’t let him have alone time with Kate, ’cause Kate would see it right away. I know what you’re thinking. I couldn’t keep that up forever. But I did have a plan. What I was gonna do was, right, I was gonna stand near a door that I knew Kate was gonna come through. “Look what you did!” Like that. Okay, so anyway, I am making light of a situation… that was… it was horrible, man. [stutters] It’s nice to make jokes about it now, but at the time I was distraught. I didn’t sleep for three days. I couldn’t eat. My brain was on a loop. I was so wired… I was rocking back and forth. “Your kid’s autistic. It’s all your fault.” [mumbles] So anyway, cut to three days later. I go to the doctor to get the results of my physical, and Hank’s dangling off me. [groans] And… the doctor comes in and goes, “How are we today, Mr. Jefferies?” And I said, “Not good. [stutters] You told me to vaccinate Hank. You said, ‘Vaccinate kid, good.’ But this is not good. [stutters] This used to be a good kid. Look at this. Fucking shit kid.” [audience laughing] And she goes, “Can you calm down?” I said, “No, I can’t, I haven’t slept for three days. I’m wired, my brain’s on a loop, and I can’t turn it off… because my kid’s autistic. It’s all my fault. [repeating] My kid’s autistic. It’s all my fault. My kid’s autistic. It’s all my fault.” [breathes heavily] And she looked at my chart and said, “Now… you know that you have a tendency to overreact because you’re on the spectrum.” “You fucking what, when?” “You know, how you have little empathy, you don’t listen when others talk, and you don’t make eye contact.” “I’ve heard about the eye contact.” She goes, “There’s nothing wrong with Hank. He’s just drugged out right now. You gave him all of his shots in one day, which I didn’t recommend.” [audience laughing] Now… [audience applauding] It’s true that the next day, Hank was back to his normal self. There’s nothing wrong with Hank. But it turns out that I’m autistic. [audience laughing] I don’t know. I don’t know if I believe it, ’cause the spectrum is very broad. Like, 1% to Ben Carsons or something. – Uh… – [audience laughing] So I don’t know. I think a lot of times, people just diagnose personalities. I’m a bit of a dick. Can’t we just… [chuckles] But it’s weird. I was 36 when they told me that. It’s weird when you find out that you’re autistic at 36. ‘Cause it’s big news for me. [belches] And then I rang up everyone I knew and told them, and no one was surprised. [audience laughing] I rang up me mum, and I left a message on her voice machine like this, “Mum, you gotta call me back! I have the biggest news ever!” And my mum rang me back and went, “You’re getting married.” And I went, “No! I’m autistic!” And she went, “Oh, everyone knows you’re autistic. It’s not that bad. When I was a child, I had polio.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Hank, though… Hank… Hank’s a smart kid. I think he’s smart, ’cause he’s the only kid I know. [stutters] I don’t hang out with other kids. He’s just turned three, but when he was two, we put him into school. When he was two, my friends used to come over all the time, and I was such a proud father that I’d be like, “Hank’s a genius.” They’re like, “How do you know?” I’m like, “What’s that?” Hank would go, “Red fire truck.” I’d be like, “Damn fucking straight, it’s a red fire truck. I taught him that, ‘Red fire truck.'” Anyway, we put him into this preschool for two-year-olds. It was a fancy one in Hollywood. It costs a lot of money, but the school is kind of cool. They teach him how to swim. They toilet train him. They got this great big turtle that walks amongst the kids like a shitty Jurassic Park. And on the first day, we went there to meet the other parents, the teachers, and the other students and everything. So I show up early. Me and Hank at the school. And we got there early, like an hour before everyone else. And we’re there, the turtle walks by, I’m with Hank, and I went, “Hank, that’s a turtle. Can you say ‘turtle’?” And then this kid walks up and goes, “Hi, I’m Simon.” “All right. Hello, Simon.” And he goes, “Actually, I’m Simon III. I’m the third Simon. My dad’s a Simon. His dad’s a Simon, that’s my grandfather. So, one, two, three, third Simon.” “All right.” “When I grow up, I wanna be a baseball player. I can’t decide which team because Mum likes the Angels and Dad likes the Dodgers. So, there’s a bit of conflict at home.” “How old are you, Simon?” Simon did not give me his age. Simon gave me his date of birth. And it turned out that Simon was three months younger than Hank. And I turned and I looked at my fucking idiot son. [audience laughing] And Hank went, “Turtle!” [audience laughing] And I said, “Yes, Hank, that’s a turtle.” And then Simon went… “That’s a tortoise.” [audience laughing] I didn’t know that before. Turns out that tortoises just live on the land, and turtles live in the water and on the land. Simon taught me that! [audience laughing] See, one of my old jokes has come back to haunt me. If you’re a dumb cunt… [audience laughing] [audience cheering] …and your wife or your husband is a dumb cunt… guess what your fucking kids are? Let’s just say that Kate’s not a scientist. See, I go to these school events and I meet the other parents, and I get intimidated when I meet educated people ’cause I’m not super educated. So, whenever I meet this guy, Simon II, that fucking cunt, right? Simon III’s dad. He’s a thoracic surgeon and his wife’s a pediatrician. And I’m chatting to the fucking Simons, right? And I can’t keep up with the conversation, but I don’t wanna sound dumb, so I just say shit. We’re talking about politics or something, and I just went, just trying to keep up, I went, “Ah… I reckon they should try to catch that Benghazi guy.” [audience laughing] And then, everyone looks at me like I’m an idiot, and I went… And Simon II goes, “Jim, I didn’t catch… What do you do for a living there, Jim?” And I went, “Um… I’m a comedian.” And he goes, “Oh, me and my wife, we just love comedy. We’d love to catch one of your shows sometime.” “You wouldn’t like it…” [audience laughing] He goes, “What type of comedy do you do?” “Um…” [huffs] “Like, um…” [sighs] “I say ‘cunt’ more than anyone else. – I… – [audience cheering] I… I’m sort of known for saying ‘cunt.’ Seven years ago, when I did my first comedy special in America, the word ‘cunt’ was banned in every comedy club in America, and then I said ‘cunt’ loads on television, and now, people can say ‘cunt’ in comedy clubs. So, I’m… [audience cheering and applauding] Basically… basically, I’m the Rosa Parks of ‘cunt.'” [audience laughing and cheering] [chuckles] Now, at this school, they do toilet train him, right? But I’m not happy, ’cause it’s just female staff and they’re teaching every child to do sit-down wees. It’s all right for the girls, but the boys should do a stand-up wee. They shouldn’t be doing sit-down wees. Now, I like a sit-down wee as much as the next man… but there is a place and a time for it. These are the only times you should do sit-down wees. You always have to be at your house. You can’t do it in other people’s houses. It’s weird. You have to be at your house and drunk. And then you’ll be like, “Oh, I’m gonna have a lovely sit-down wee. Oh, yeah, I’ll… I’ll treat meself. Whoa.” [chuckles] “I’ll go back downstairs in a second. I won’t fall asleep. Stay awake. Come on, have a little sit-down wee.” And the other time you can have a sit-down wee is if you wake up in the middle of the night and you wanna go to the toilet, but you don’t wanna turn the light on because it’ll hurt your eyes and you’ll wake up too much. [audience applauding] So, what you do is, out of respect, so you don’t piss everywhere, you have a sit-down wee. And that’s always a sleepy… “All right, you lovely wee.” And because you’re sitting, sometimes your asshole goes, – “Are we pooing?” – [audience laughing] And you’re like, “No, we’re not pooing. We’re just having a sit-down wee. I’m sorry.” “Oh, I thought we were pooing.” “No, no, no. We’ll see you in the morning, asshole.” [chuckling] And I want him to be good at the sit-down wee. It’s important to me. Because… Do you remember when you were about seven? A weirdly sort-of-old-age like seven, and all the boys at school would go to have a piss. They’d walk up, and undo their belt, undo their fly, pull out their dick, and have a piss. And then there was that one kid, for whatever reason, had to have his pants and his underwear down by his ankles. [audience laughing and applauding] And he’d stand there with his asshole hanging out of the bottom of his shirt. “This is how I’ve always done it.” [chuckles] Yeah, Hank, he got toilet-trained just under the wire, ’cause he’s three now, and he got toilet-trained just before his birthday. You wanna be toilet-trained before you turn three. After that, it gets weird. There’s people in the crowd who have a 4-year-old who isn’t toilet-trained. And you’re feeling shame right now, I know, ’cause I have friends with 4-year-olds… See, this is the rule in life. You’re allowed to shit your pants in the first and the last three years of your life. Everything else gets odd, right? Now, a 4-year-old shouldn’t be shitting their pants ’cause you can have a conversation with a 4-year-old. And you should never be able to have a conversation with someone who’s shitting their pants. So my mates are over my house. I’ve got pinball machines. We’re playing pinball, and his son walks up, and, dead set, this was the conversation. His son walks up like this. “Hey, Dad. You’re gonna have to change me, mate. I just shit my pants.” [audience laughing] And the dad was so embarrassed, he was like, “Don’t! Stop that! Oh! Can you please stop shitting your pants?” And the son responded like this… “Are we gonna have this argument every time?” [audience laughing] So I went to Kate, ’cause he was about to turn three, and I said, “Kate, Hank’s gotta stop shitting his pants.” So, she read a book, and comes to me with this information. “You have to start shitting in front of Hank.” And I went, “I don’t wanna shit in front of Hank. What have I gotta shit in front of Hank for?” She goes, “It says in the book that he’s a caveman, if he’s left to his own devices, he’ll shit in his hand and chuck it at us.” [audience laughing] And she goes, “He’s like, ‘Monkey see, monkey do.’ He’s gotta see someone using the seat. He’s gotta see someone using the toilet paper…” You know, that type of stuff. And I said, “Why don’t you shit in front of Hank?” She goes, “He has to see the cock and balls, or he’ll get confused.” For a while there, I was shitting in front of Hank. Man, it was a big adjustment for me. ‘Cause my shits used to be these quiet, dignified affairs. I’d be watching the TV, I’d feel a shit come on… [audience laughing] I’d leave to the bathroom… I’d have my shit, I’d come back into the living room, and nine times out of ten, I wouldn’t even tell anyone where I’d been. [audience laughing] But then, my shits became like family events. I’d feel a shit come on… “All right, everyone! Daddy’s got a shit in the chamber! Who wants to come and see a professional at work?” Anyway, I chickened out of it for like two weeks. I wouldn’t shit in front of Hank. Then, I got the guts. So me and Kate are watching TV. The TV is there. We’re on the couch. Hank’s over there playing with his toys. And I feel a shit come on. [audience chuckling] “I’ve got one.” And she said, “I think it’s time.” [whispers] “Okay.” [normal voice] “G’day, mate. You’re coming with me.” And we went into the toilet, and I shut the door, and I pulled me pants and me underwear down. Now, he knew it wasn’t a normal day. [audience laughing] He looked very upset. And I’m fucking autistic. [scattered applause] Neither of us were making eye contact. We were both… So I thought, “I better get down to business.” And I looked at him, I said, “Oh, all right, son… first things first. You gotta tuck your cock and balls between your legs so that your penis is facing downwards. Because where there is poo, there will always be wee. Now, because you’re a Jefferies, we don’t have what they call ‘big penises.’ [audience laughing] So, what you do is, you put your legs a little bit together like that… to stop your penis from popping back up. [chuckles] You’re seeing it, aren’t you? Yeah. You see how I look like Mummy now? Yeah, yeah.” [audience laughing] Yeah, it’s funny, isn’t it? It’s funny. Yeah, yeah. You don’t know what I do for a living, son. You don’t know, but I tell jokes. I write jokes, you know. It’s always upset me that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never write anything as funny as a man putting his cock and balls between his legs… and saying, ‘I’m a lady, I’m a lady.’ In fact, if you’re ever at a party and you feel like things aren’t going your way… get behind a tree and take your pants and underwear off, tuck your cock and balls between your legs, and jump out at a woman and go, ‘I’m a lady!’ Like that.” [laughing] Yeah, yeah, it’s good. See? Well, you know, you’ll make more friends than you’ll lose.” [audience laughing] Now… over the course of the last six to eight months, [stammers] my career has changed somewhat. Audiences have definitely changed. It used to just be white guys the same age as me. Now, if you look around, it’s pretty 50-50, men and women. Age groups, races… It’s all changed. And all because of the gun control routine. So the gun control routine… [audience cheering] got… got seen on so many different platforms, and all this stuff, put up and taken down… that it’s actually been seen five times more than anything else I’ve done in my career. So I’m mostly known for that now. Which is strange, ’cause people are coming onto the shows ’cause you’re hoping that I’ll do some political satire, or some social commentary or something Carlinesque… and how disappointing this evening’s performance must be. I just did 25 minutes on pooing. [audience laughing] Now, the gun control routine has been shown in most news outlets. It was shown in the New Yorker as an article. It was shown in the Washington Post as an article. It was shown on CNN as news. And it was shown on Fox for different reasons. [audience laughing] It’s also been… it’s also now shown to the law students in Yale. Like they’re meant to learn something or some shit. Now, I appreciate all these things. It’s very nice. I don’t know if I deserve these accolades, or whatever the fuck they’re called, because, I’m gonna be honest with you… Um… I made some of the statistics up. All right! [stammering] This isn’t real. Now, I made two things up. Now, I stand by everything I said in the gun control routine, because most of the things I said were common sense about safes and the guns in Australia, and that was correct. I made two statistics up. Two little ones. So, I’m gonna fess up right now. The first one is this. “If you have a gun, you’re 80% more likely to be shot by a gun.” I don’t know, maybe. [audience laughing] That sounds like a thing, doesn’t it? And the other one was, uh… “The average security guard in America earns $16 an hour. Not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero.” It turns out that the average security guard in America earns $14 an hour. I’d like to apologize for those extra $2. Now, it’s very weird ’cause, over the course of my 15-year career, I’ve said horrible things about religion. That if you are religious, you believe in God, that you’ve wasted your life. And over the course of 15 years, from religious groups, I have received seven pieces of hate mail. Seven. Very manageable. [audience laughing] I write back. And I thought that religious people were the nuttiest cunts on the planet. And that was until I gave my opinion on the Second Amendment. Fuck me. [audience laughing] I had no idea what crazy was [chuckling] until I fucking just poked that hornet’s nest with a stick. [grunts] “I got something to say.” Because on a quiet day, I receive 20 to 40 pieces of hate mail from gun people. On a quiet day. Keep up. – I, uh… – [audience laughing] [scoffs] Twenty to forty pieces of hate mail, and it’s always the same. They always read exactly the same way, etcetera. Now, I’m in a unique position. Because of the hate mail that I receive on a daily basis, because I’ve become the pinup boy for gun control… I can tell you, down to the hour, when an American gun owner is happy and when they’re sad. ‘Cause they don’t send me hate mail when they’re sad. Like, when there’s a massacre in a school, it’s a very quiet day for me. Or some 4-year-old shoots their mum in the head, they’re like, [mumbling] “I’m not gonna write anything today.” But the day that I received the most amount of hate mail, when I received 782 pieces of hate mail, and it kind of sickened me a bit when it happened, was the day of the Paris shootings, where 128 people died. And that, to a real fanatical gun person in America, that was the best day ever. They were so happy because the French have extremely strict gun laws, and then people went and shot everyone. And so, I got letters that read like porn, like they were from Penthouse Forum. And every letter read the same way. Like, “See? It happens in every country. [audience laughing] It’s not just us. It’s not just us. If they had more guns, maybe they could’ve protected themselves.” [audience cheering] Now, I’m not going to get into another debate about whether they had guns or don’t have guns, ’cause this is all… No one knows. No one was in that situation. And then, some people went as far to say that I was a supporter of ISIS. – Now… – [audience laughing] I don’t like ISIS. I hate ISIS as much as the next man. [loud cheering] Now… I’ll tell you the problem with ISIS. The problem with ISIS is… [audience laughing] is… you never see them laughing. They’re not a jovial bunch. That’s what religion does. Religious people are always miserable. [groaning] They’re just such miserable cunts, the ISIS. You never one of them… When they do the videos before a beheading, and the guy is like, [mock Arabic accent] “Before I behead this man, a little bit about me… [audience laughing] I, well, I like Muhammad. Oh, shit, fuck! I love Muhammad. I love… I enjoy beheading people, of course. I like beheading people. And, uh, I like the comedy of Aziz Ansari. I like it. [audience laughing] I like Aziz. He’s a crazy guy with modern-day problems.” [normal voice] Thank fuck the ISIS don’t drink! You don’t want drunk ISIS. You don’t want some cunt waking up with seven heads in his bed, like, “What the fuck did I do last night?” [audience laughing] His friend comes in and goes, [mock Arabic accent] “You were so fucked up last night! We were out drinking, and by the way, I was joking… There was some guy doodling on a napkin, and I was like, ‘Hey, he’s drawing Muhammad,’ and you fucking lost your shit, man!” [normal voice] So… politically, this country is in a very delicate situation at the moment. [chuckling] It could go either fucking way. You got… you got two parties. You got the Democrats and Republicans. And all they do is talk about two subjects over and over again. As long as they talk about these two subjects, they’re fucking you up the ass with other things that you don’t notice because you’re so fucking… And the rest of the world isn’t as fixated… Okay, two subjects. Abortion, guns. Abortion, guns. Right? And so, the Democrats, they wanna have gun restrictions, and they don’t care about abortion. And the Republicans, they hate abortion, and they love guns. And so, we’ve got a problem here, right? Because the Democrats are like, “Come on, you don’t need a machine gun, and you know you don’t. And if your dad fucks you, you don’t have to keep that. That’s cool.” [audience cheering] And the Republicans are like, “All life is precious, unless it steps on my property.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] And then… you got Donald Trump. Now… every time I’ve recorded a special… The other specials I’ve recorded in America have been in New York, San Francisco and Boston. And everyone’s called me a fucking pussy… with my liberal agenda. Well, I’m in fucking Nashville right now. [audience cheering] And if you wanna shoot me, now is the perfect time. [chuckling] There’s eight cameras on me. [audience laughing] [man whoops] I think we’re good. I think we’re good. Isn’t it sad that the country has gotten to the stage that when you buy theater tickets, you go, “Get ones in the aisle, so we can run”? Everyone wanted to get the middle. We’re like, “No, you’re sitting ducks in the middle…” So anyway, Donald Trump. Now, don’t get me wrong. He’s a lot of fun. [audience laughing] And there’s a little bit of me… [stuttering] There’s a little bit of me that thinks… “Fuck it, let’s do it. [audience laughing] Let’s do it and see how fucking crazy shit can get.” [audience laughing] Because he’s just… because what happens is, he says really simple shit that means nothing, and then, fucking dummies… right? If you’ve ever said this sentence, “I like him because he’s a straight talker,” you’re as dumb as shit. [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] This… Just because someone says something simple that you understand… doesn’t mean they’re a straight talker. You can say a complex thing and be telling the truth. But, because he goes, “I’m gonna make America great again.” And you’re like, “I got every word in that sentence.” [audience laughing] He’s like, “I’m gonna build a wall.” “I have a wall at home. You’re a straight talker.” And then he just says shit… that… it won’t happen. “Gonna build a wall and Mexico’s gonna pay for it.” Who… I haven’t heard a Mexican yet go, “Ah, yeah, we got this.” What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? That’s just saying shit. He’s like a kid running for class president, who’s just walking around, going, “And we’re gonna have two lunches. – And… – [audience cheering] there’s gonna be a soda machine in every classroom. Nashville football rules!” But here’s where it doesn’t get fun. And that’s all. It’s good fun. But here’s where it’s not fun, right? What he does is, he preys on fear. As soon as he… In the beginning, it was, “Oh, Mexicans, they’re coming over and raping.” And then there was a terrorist attack, and he went, “Oh, fuck, I’ll go after the Muslims. We should kill the families of Muslims.” Which, by the way, you’re not allowed to do. And then he started saying, after the Paris attacks, “We should put every Muslim on a register, and we shouldn’t let more refugees come from Syria, and the Muslims that live here on a register…” [stutters] That means ISIS win. As soon as he says that, ISIS have fucking won. Right? Because their plan to shoot people in Paris, that’s not their end plan. They didn’t kill 128 people and go, “Ah, well, that’s done.” You know what I mean? It’s a recruitment tool. And the recruitment tool can only work if hate is bred. Right? What he does is, he says, “Oh, we’re gonna ban them. We’re not gonna let more in the country. The ones here have to be on a register.” Now, you’re a 16-year-old boy or girl that’s a Muslim living in this country. You’ve lived your entire life in this country. You’ve always considered yourself American. Then all of a sudden, someone who could be your president says you are not welcome here and that you should be put on a register. Now, that kid… How fucking quickly do you think that kid could be radicalized now? Before, he wasn’t gonna be radicalized at all. [audience cheering and applauding] So what he’s trying to do is, he’s trying to defeat hate with hate. And hate doesn’t beat hate. It’s never fucking beaten hate. It just makes more hate. Now, this might be the most hippie thing that ever comes out of my mouth… but it’s true. The only thing that can beat hate is love. – Now, love doesn’t always beat hate, eh? – [audience cheering] It doesn’t always beat hate, but it does do something. Right? Now, think about your own personal life. Think about a person who hates you and you hate them. From now on, just show that person nothing but love. I’m not saying that that person will start loving you. They’ll probably still fucking hate you. But one thing will happen. Eventually, everyone will see them as the asshole. Don’t be the asshole, America. Don’t be the asshole. [audience cheering and applauding] So… to summarize, you can only beat hate with love. Now, in saying that, I hate Muslims. [audience laughing] Hang on, hang on. I didn’t finish me sentence. I hate Muslims, Christians, I hate the Amish, Buddhists, the snake people, Jews. I don’t know who I’ve missed here. Sikhs. I hate all. Our fight in this world is not against Islam, it’s against religion. – Be very clear about this. – [audience cheering] ‘Cause I can tell you this for sure. No one’s head has ever been cut off in the name of atheism. No one has ever cut into human flesh, and looked on camera and gone, “In the name of nothing!” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Now, let me be clear about this. If you’re religious… Some of you might be very nice, but you’re slowing us down. [audience laughing] We’re trying to move forward, and you’re in the fucking way. I’m sorry. See, there’s a lie that you’ll be told throughout your life that will go along the lines of this… “We have to save the planet.” There’s no bigger lie than “we have to save the planet.” We don’t have to save the planet. We have to save us, the human race. The planet does not give a fuck about us, and it will be happy when we’re gone. [audience laughing] We are in the planet’s way. Have you seen those documentaries where they go, “This is what New York will look like one year after the human race dies,” and it’s all covered in vines and shit? The planet wants us gone. As soon as we’re gone, the planet will go, “I’m gonna do dinosaurs again.” Right? Like… So we have to save ourselves in spite of the planet trying to kick us the fuck off. Right? Now, imagine that… the world is a train track and society is a train. As society has always had to do, the train has to move forward. ‘Cause if it stops moving forward, we’ll run out of resources around the train ’cause we’ll be stationary. And the gears will lock up, and the vines will take over. So it has to keep going forward. Now, in this train, we have the people in the engine room, who are running the show. And those people in our society who run the show are scientists. These are the people inventing medicines for you to live longer, and surgeries for you to live longer and finding alternative fuel sources. And engineers that are making machines that run more efficiently. Right? Now, all those people are scientists. Now, whether you like it or not, scientists are primarily atheists. And they’re in the front carriage, dragging us along. Now, in the second carriage, we have a bunch of cunts that I don’t think get fucking enough flak. Agnostics. These fucking wishy-washy fucks. [audience laughing] They’re all standing around in the second carriage, going, “Who knows? Maybe there is a god. Maybe there isn’t a god. Maybe your god and your god are the same god, but… I know there was a Big Bang, but who made the Big Bang? I wouldn’t consider myself, you know, religious, but I am spiritual.” And… then there’s this last carriage, and the last carriage is 50 times bigger than the other two carriages combined. And it’s carrying the rest of the population of the human race. And it’s filled with cunts wearing hats for reasons they don’t know and growing beards because they think they have to. Some of the women are covering their faces and cowering. Everyone’s dancing around going, “Man on a cloud. Man on a cloud.” And there are so many of these cunts that the train is hardly fucking moving! And the people in the engine room are like this… [sighing] “If I just pull this peg here… [audience laughing] [inaudible] do you know how fast we’d be moving?” [chuckles] Oh, well… I’m not gonna change people’s opinions, I guess. I don’t fucking… Now… with the hate mail that I get from the guns, they always start the same way. It always makes me laugh. Every letter starts with, “Hey, buddy, you shouldn’t even say anything. You’re not from here.” [audience laughing] That is the weakest argument ever. Okay, as Americans, from now on, don’t use that argument. All right? Because you’re Americans. It’s not like, historically, you’ve kept your opinions to yourself. It’s not like I’ve ever been in a party in the UK and there’s an American guy there, and I’ve heard this sentence, “Jeez, he’s a quiet chap.” [audience laughing] [chuckling] You’re the loudest people on Earth, so… And then they always say this, and this fucking spins me out. “Well, I don’t expect an Australian to understand freedom.” [audience laughing] What are you talking about? You constantly say “freedom” all the time, like you’re… “Oh, we’re so free. We fight for freedom. Freedom. Come to the freedom lounge at the airport.” Like, fucking what? You know when you’re singing the national anthem at the baseball and the person holds the note “free” a little bit longer than they should, until all you Americans fucking come in your pants? ♪ For the land of the free ♪ [grunting] [audience laughing] “We’re so free.” Freedom this, freedom that, free, free, free. Now, I hate to break it to you, ’cause I don’t think you know this. [sighing] There are 92 free countries on the planet. Democratic, free countries. You are one of them. Every single English-speaking country on Earth is free, and most of the [clicks tongue] countries are also free. [audience laughing and applauding] Now, you’re very free. Don’t get upset. And I have a wonderful… I love America. I truly do. I live here and love it. I have nothing against… And none of the things I’m about to mention affect you… affect me in any way, right? You may not be the freest place on Earth. [audience laughing] Just a quick example, out of the 92 free countries on the planet, you have the highest rate of incarceration. One percent of your adult population is in prison. That’s double that of the country that comes in second, which is South Africa. If you’ve ever been to South Africa, South Africa is fucked. [audience laughing] So you’re double that of South Africa. [chuckling] So, statistically, in the land of the free, you have the least amount of free people. [audience laughing] Now, this is a super simple one. Super simple argument. In Holland, you can smoke weed whilst fucking a hooker in front of a cop. [audience laughing] How dare Holland not be called the land of the free? Do you honestly think you’re competing with Holland? In Canada, just last year, they legalized assisted suicide for the sick, which, I believe, is the biggest freedom of them all. It’s your life. No government, no religious group should ever tell you… [audience cheering and applauding] when you get to check out. If you’re a pro-life person, good. Do it with your life, not mine. Right? – Now… – [audience cheering and applauding] ‘Cause… Also, I don’t think they’ve thought about it. I don’t think there’s even the most evangelical Christian, who’s a burn victim, just hanging on to life support in a hospital, just… [gasping] “I feel so free.” And I’m so glad they’re doing it in Canada, because if I ever had an assisted suicide, I’d want it to be a Canadian doctor. I want some guy rocking up to my house like, [mock Canadian accent] “Okay. All righty, then… So I hear that someone’s given up on life, eh? All right, let me set up my little death machine here, and I’ll… I’m gonna put this in your vein, and you’re gonna be so sleepy so soon. I tell you what, there.” [audience laughing] In Australia, maybe 20 years ago, they legalized prostitution. They thought it’d be the downfall of our society, but it wasn’t. It was a great thing. In Sydney, where I grew up, the streets always had hookers walking around, there was needles, and it was a very seedy city in some parts. And then they legalized prostitution. They moved all the hookers into brothels. And because they moved into brothels, all the girls had to be tested for STDs. And then, the guys, they could see the tests as they go in, so it was safer for the men. But it was also safer for the women ’cause they put security in these brothels. So if you showed up like a drunk idiot, they wouldn’t let you in. Or if you got aggro, they’d kick you the fuck out. So the girls were safer, the men were safer. Human trafficking was all but eliminated. And tax revenue went up. And the divorce rate dropped by 8%. [audience laughing] There is no downside to legalized prostitution. Now, in America, prostitution is illegal… unless you film it. How is that possible? How the fuck is that possible? How do you have the biggest porn industry in the world, and you still have illegal prostitution? Because it is legal to pay a woman for sex, but your friend Dave has to be in the corner with a camera. [audience laughing] And Dave has to film it. And Dave has to promise to put it on the Internet, ’cause if Dave doesn’t, then a crime has been committed. And that girl can be 18 years old. And then, she can be surrounded by ten men that she barely knows, and they can all jack off onto her face until she’s glazed with come. [audience laughing] And no crime has been committed. But in America, and only in America, she’s too young to have a beer. If anyone deserves a beer… [audience cheering and applauding] in the land of the free, the home of the brave… it’s the girl with ten loads of come on her face. In fact, if you have ten loads of come on your face, you should get free drinks wherever you go. [audience laughing] You seem like a fun girl… or a heavy sleeper. [audience laughing] Now… before I go… [sniffs] Um… My son turned three, and my girlfriend made me write him a letter on his third birthday for him to open when he was 18. I don’t know fucking why. You know when chicks go, “You need to do this thing”? I’m like, “Why? I have 15 years. Why?” But I did it, you know. So I wrote the letter. And I’m really bad at writing things on paper. I’ve got terrible handwriting. I’m basically illiterate and a fucking… And so, I’m like, “Dear Hank, so you’re a man now. I’m sure you’ve made me very proud. Unless, of course, you’re a drug addict or something. Come to think of it, there are many ways to disappoint me. Who knows? I might be dead by now. Or you might be dead, and I’m reading this whilst crying.” [audience laughing] I, um… So, I’m writing the letter, I just… I thought, “Little life tips, things that you should do in life.” So the next thing I wrote was this. “A wise man once said, ‘Try not to be a cunt.’” [audience cheering] And then, I just gave him little bits of advice like, “If you get a parking ticket, pay it right away. Don’t leave it. It’s a pain in the ass. And always love your mum.” And I mean this. If my son’s watching this at 18 right now, watching me perform… No person has ever loved you more than your mother loves you, so you always be good to that woman. – And then… – [audience cheering and applauding] And then, I wrote about… I just thought I’d tell him about the good and bad things in my life, and the things I did well and didn’t do well. And I’ve been very open about this, and I feel like by being open about this, it helps others. I don’t know, but I’ve always… Fairly severe depression my whole life. Suicidal at times. And, it’s a very selfish thing, depression, because I know my life’s good and I can’t wrap my brain around it. I just… I don’t… Right now, my brain’s going, “Maybe this special isn’t as good as the last one.” And so, I’ve never really enjoyed success. I’ve never really had pure happiness like some people do. [stutters] I’m such a pessimist. When you meet these people who go, “You’re such a glass-half-empty sort of guy.” I’m like, “These glass-half-full cunts, fuck them.” [audience laughing] You know what I mean? I’ve never met a successful glass-half-full cunt. You’ll never be anything if you think the glass is half full. If you want to get ahead, walk in the room and go, “Why isn’t that fucking glass full?” Anyway, so I thought about what would make me happy, what would’ve made me happy, what makes other people happy. And so I wrote to him, I said, “I think the secret to happiness is this. The secret to happiness… is being good-looking. [audience laughing] Now, throughout your life, people will lie to you and say things like ‘kindness,’ or ‘being good to others,’ or ‘family’ or some shit.” [audience laughing] The only way to truly be happy in this world is to be good-looking. Now, in this world, we have everything from one, being the ugliest person on Earth, to ten, being the best-looking person on Earth, and we have everything in between. And there’s very few ones, very few twos, and very few threes. And four, five, six is the meat of the bell curve. That’s where 95% of the population is average-looking. Four, five, six, and seven, eight, nine, ten. Now… I’ve been looking out at the audience here. [audience laughing] Uh… Pretty good. Like… I’ve spotted an eight. Or what they call an LA six. – I… – [audience laughing] But, uh… I spotted an eight. That’s pretty good in Nashville, man. Don’t be offended. Tens are super rare. There’s never been a ten in my audience, ever. I don’t think tens come to things like this. I think tens are sitting at home with other tens going, “I’m so happy.” – Eh? – [audience laughing] And nines are as rare as tens, almost. A nine is just an imperfect ten. A nine is like a ten with a fucked-up toe. [audience laughing] So, an eight’s pretty good. Now, regrettably… – there is a two in the audience. – [audience laughing] Now, I’m not gonna point you out. – You know who you are. – [audience laughing] There are no ones. Ones are as rare as tens. I’ve seen about five ones in my life. They… Ones don’t really leave the house. They… – they know they upset the rest of us. – [audience laughing] The only time you catch a one is they’re going to a doctor’s appointment or something. And it really is upsetting. You walk by, they’re normally being lifted out of a minivan with a special crane onto a special chair. And when you see a one, it does ruin your day, doesn’t it? You walk by the one and you’re like, “Oh, fuck me. Oh, that’s a fucking one if ever I’ve seen one.” You get to work and you can’t focus, and your boss is like, “What’s wrong?” And you’re like, “I saw a fucking one, didn’t I?” And they’re like, “Oh, it couldn’t have been that…” “It was that bad! You weren’t there! This is bullshit! I was gonna eat today.” Now, in case anyone’s wondering… and I know you’re not… I’m a five. The reason I know I’m a five is ’cause, as I said, 95% of the population is four, five, six, an average-looking human being. Now, the reason I know I’m a five is this. When I walk past people, nothing happens. [audience laughing] People don’t get upset, nor do they get disappointed. We all move on with our lives. I have hair. But it’s shit hair. Five! I have teeth. They’re a little yellow. They’re a little crooked. But they’re all there! – Five! – [audience laughing] I have eyes. They do not sparkle. – But they do face in the same direction. – [audience laughing] Five! And because I’m a five, that means society has deemed it okay for me and other fives to get into dimly-lit rooms… and we can fuck each other. And no one gets upset. They’re like, “Oh, it’s a couple of fives fucking. Let them have their fun.” And we get in there with our average five bodies, like just… My little gut resting on her fucking imperfect floppy ass, and we’re just fucking. We’re sweating on each other ’cause neither of us work out. Just grabbing onto an average tit, like… [groaning] And the two of us are thinking about, a seven that we know that we actually want to fuck. I’m like, “Maybe if she gets depressed or something, I could swoop in there. That would be…” ‘Cause us fives, we do not think about the nines and the tens – because we dare not touch the sun. – [audience laughing] Now… I’m a minor celebrity, so that means I get to fuck sixes. I fuck the shit out of sixes. People go, “He’s off the telly. He can fuck a six.” Fucked some sevens? Yeah, I fucked some sevens. Couple of eights. One nine! Best day ever. I fucked a nine. Now… I’m also a drinker. So… I have fucked some fours… [audience laughing] a shitload of threes… and one two. And when I fucked the two, that was the lowest point in my life. [chuckling] I gave up drinking for 18 months after I fucked the two. That’s how important it is to be good-looking. I fucked a two and my whole self-esteem was ruined… Oh, wait, I remember when I fucked the two, I woke up in the… Hey, hang on. I’m still writing the letter to my son, by the way. [audience laughing] So, I remember when I fucked the two, Hank. And I woke up… next to her. And I rolled over… I was hungover, like, “Oh, what happened?” And then I saw her and went, “Oh, no! Fuck this!” And then… And I went into the fetal position. I started… [groaning] “It’s a fucking two. That’s a two. That’s a two.” Everybody in this world likes to think they’re a good person. Not all of us are good people. We all think we’re a good person. And so my brain did this. “Come on, Jim. You’re better than this. Maybe if you talk to it. [audience laughing] Maybe you’ll find out the thing has dreams or feelings. Give that a go.” So I rolled over with the best of intentions, like, “Hey, do you… Oh, no! Fuck off! No way, man.” And she tried to comfort me with her claw, just… [audience laughing] I’ll never forget the two. But it’s been so long now that I can laugh about it. I do laugh about it. I was in my car, remembering how the two was the worst thing that happened to me. And I was like this… [laughs] “Oh, you fucked a two. Classic Jim Jefferies. When will you ever learn?” And I was sitting in the car… and I was thinking about how fucking the two… was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. And then my brain did a horrible thing. My brain went… “That’s how the nine felt when she woke up next to you.” [audience laughing] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. – [audience cheering] – Appreciate it. [chuckling] We’ll see you later. [rock music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

GEORGE CARLIN: IT’S BAD FOR YA! (2008) – Testo italiano completo

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-bad-2008-testo-italiano-completo/

Grazie, grazie, grazie! Mi piacerebbe iniziare… Mi piacerebbe… grazie, grazie! Mi piacerebbe iniziare dicendo: affanculo Lance Armstrong! Affanculo lui e le sue palle e le sue biciclette e i suoi steroidi e le sue maglie gialle… …e la stupida espressione vuota sul suo volto, sono stanco di quello stronzo. E già che ci siamo, affanculo anche Tiger Woods! Un’altra mezza sega di cui posso fare a meno. Sono stanco di sentirmi dire chi devo ammirare in questo paese, non siete stanchi di farvi dire chi dovrebbero essere i vostri eroi? Farvi dire chi dovete rispettare? Mi scelgo da solo i miei eroi, grazie mille. E affanculo anche Dr. Phil! (Nota: Dr. Phil è uno psicologo televisivo) Dr. Phil ha detto che dovrei esprimere le mie emozioni, ed è quello che sto facendo. Ora, dall’ultima volta che sono passato da queste parti… …e ci capito con una certa frequenza, sono un po’ come l’herpes, ogni tanto ritorno, ma dall’ultima volta che potrei aver visto qualcuno di voi… …ho compiuto il mio settantesimo compleanno. Grazie. Sì, adesso ho 70 anni, e mi piace il 70. Anche se non mi piace quanto il 69. Be’, 69 è stato sempre il mio numero preferito. Ora credo di essere un 69 con un dito su per il culo. Ma adesso che sono un vecchio stronzo… E questo è quello che mi considero: un vecchio stronzo. “Vecchio stronzo” è un termine molto particolare, non è come “anziano”. “Anziano” è diverso. “Anziano” non è davvero un tempo della tua vita o un periodo di anni: è un atteggiamento, “anziano” è un punto di vista, è un modo di vedere le cose. Alcuni sono anziani quando hanno vent’anni. Ne avete conosciuti di tipi così, sono proprio tesi, come degli anziani. Non io, non sono un anziano… …e non sono un vecchio scoreggione, perché un vecchio scoreggione è tipo… Quello che sono è un vecchio stronzo! È qualcosa di simile a un grasso stronzo… Sapete cosa intendo? Grasso stronzo, alto stronzo, magro stronzo, basso stronzo. Vecchio stronzo… “Chi è il vecchio stronzo?” “È Georgie, Georgie è il vecchio stronzo”. Da questo punto di vista, stronzo è un sinonimo della parola “compagno”. Ma ora che sono un vecchio stronzo comincio a notare… …che ci sono dei vantaggi ad aver messo su un po’ di anni… …e il primo è che non devi mai più trasportare niente di pesante. Tutti vogliono aiutare un vecchio stronzo! Se hai una grossa valigia o qualcosa del genere, sapete, fate un po’ così, dite “Ehi, puoi aiutarmi con questo?”, dice “Sì, dove sta andando?” “Indianapolis”… Vogliono aiutarvi? Cazzi loro, metteteli a lavorare. Approfittatevi della gente. Un altro vantaggio del diventare vecchi è che puoi lasciare qualunque evento sociale in anticipo… …solo dicendo che sei stanco. Funziona alla grande con i membri della famiglia. Basta girarsi verso la persona accanto e dire “Gesù, come sono stanco!”. “Oh, sei stanco? Andiamo, il nonno è stanco, il nonno va a letto”. E un altro fa: “Ma sono le 7:30 del mattino!” C’è sempre una testa di cazzo in famiglia. Ma la cosa migliore del diventare vecchi è… …che non sei più responsabile di ricordarti le cose! Anche le cose importanti! “Ma era il funerale di tua figlia!” “L’ho dimenticato!” Puoi anche far credere di avere il morbo di Alzheimer. È divertentissimo! Guardi intorno al tavolo della sala da pranzo e dici “Chi siete voi, e dov’è il mio cavallo?” Poi guardi il tuo figlio maggiore e dici “Santo cielo, non ti vedevo dalla tua prima comunione!”. Li fa uscire pazzi… Li fa uscire pazzi, non sanno come comportarsi. Ci mettono una settimana a superare questa merda… …e cominciano ad ascoltarti più attentamente, da lì in poi. Quindi non abbiate paura di invecchiare, è un bel periodo della vita… Riesci ad approfittarti della gente e non sei responsabile di niente. Puoi anche cacarti addosso! Se lo aspettano. Non ci ho ancora provato… …ma non lo escluderei! Tengo aperte tutte le opzioni. Tutto è sul tavolo… Forse non è la figura retorica che volevo, in questo caso… Quindi, sapete cosa faccio ultimamente? Scorro la mia rubrica e faccio una croce sulle persone morte. Voi lo fate? È molto divertente, vero? Vi dà una bella sensazione, è come se vi desse un senso di potere. Una superiorità, per essere sopravvissuto a un altro vecchio amico. Ma non puoi farlo troppo presto, sapete? Non puoi farlo troppo presto. Non puoi tornare di corsa a casa da un funerale e tirare fuori la rubrica, sapete… Non lo potete fare, deve passare un po’ di tempo, dovete far trascorrere un po’ di tempo. Io ho una regola di… ehm… sei settimane. Se sei amico mio e sei nella mia rubrica e muori… …ti lascio in pace per altre sei settimane. Sei settimane extra nella rubrica, offre la casa, pago io. Ma dopo, ehi, i fatti sono i fatti, vaffanculo, sei morto! Te ne vai, cazzo! Bisogna avere dei criteri, sapete? Oggigiorno molta gente non tiene più rubriche tradizionali, non vogliono più scrivere quella roba a mano. Sono nell’era dei computer… …e hanno un’applicazione nel computer chiamata Outlook, o Contatti, o Rubrica, cose simili, così tengono tutte le informazioni nel computer… …e le sincronizzano con il loro telefono ogni giorno o due. Così adesso, invece di cancellare un nome, puoi anche ELIMINARE lo stronzo. Ed eliminare qualcuno è una sensazione ancora più potente… …di cancellare semplicemente un nome. Sapete come si elimina qualcuno: si seleziona il nome… …si mette in evidenza la persona… …e poi… Dritto nel cestino! Ora, se è un amico davvero intimo, potresti non voler svuotare il cestino per circa sei settimane. Oppure… Oppure, se è un po’ troppo duro per te, un po’ troppo duro eliminare un vecchio amico, puoi sempre creare una nuova cartella. Una cartella speciale per la gente morta. La tieni sul desktop… …è una specie di Purgatorio digitale! E… e la cosa bella è che ogni tanto la puoi aprire e guardarci dentro, e puoi vedere la gente nel Purgatorio, e la puoi spostare da una parte all’altra, sapete, spostarla da una parte all’altra. Metterle in piccoli gruppi. Due persone che non andavano d’accordo in vita? Mettile in un angolo, lascia che si chiariscano, lascia che si chiariscano in Purgatorio. O che si mettano a litigare a litigare di brutto in Purgatorio, questo è divertente… Nessuno di farà male, sono tutti fottutamente morti comunque! Quindi li metti in una grande formazione e fai un corteo! Il corteo purgatoriale delle persone morte! Ah, quanto ci si può divertire con un computer! Quindi, divertitevi digitalmente. Ora, parlando di persone morte… Ci sono cose che diciamo quando muore qualcuno… quasi tutti le diciamo, siamo molti a farlo… Cose che diciamo su cui nessuno mai riflette. Passano via inosservate. Vi faccio un paio di esempi… Dopo che qualcuno è morto, la seguente conversazione avrà sicuramente luogo, probabilmente più di una volta. Due tizi si incontrano per strada… “Ehi, hai sentito? Phil Davies è morto!” “Phil Davies? L’ho visto soltanto ieri!” “Sì? Non gli è stato di aiuto… È morto comunque. A quanto pare, il tuo semplice atto di vederlo non ha rallentato il suo cancro. Anzi, potrebbe averlo reso più aggressivo! Sai, potresti essere responsabile della morte di Phil. Come fai a guardarti allo specchio?” Ecco un’altra cosa che dicono dopo una morte, questo viene di solito detto alla vedova: “Ascolta, se c’è qualcosa che posso fare… …qualunque cosa… …ti prego di non esitare a chiedere.” “Cos’hai intenzione di fare, una resurrezione? Questo non è il fottuto Nuovo Testamento, sai?” Sai cosa si dice a uno così, che vuole aiutare? “Bene, perché non passi questo fine settimana? Potresti ridipingere il garage! Portati lo sturacessi, la tazza di sopra si è intasata e c’è merda su tutto il pavimento lassù… Guidi un trattore? Bene, tornerà utile, nel podere c’è un sacco di lavoro da fare. Porta la tua motosega e il tuo piccone, ti faremo fare un mazzo così. Vuole aiutare? Cazzi suoi, fagli mettere le carte in tavola! Fagli mettere le carte in tavola! “Non esitare a chiedere”, che faccia tosta hanno questi cazzoni! Ecco un’altra cosa che diciamo alla vedova: “Lui è sempre nei miei pensieri…” “Dove? Dove si colloca esattamente nei tuoi pensieri? Fra ‘Mi fa male il culo su questa sedia’ e ‘Mi scoperei la cameriera’? Quali sono le tue priorità?” Usiamo un sacco di eufemismi quando parliamo della morte, sapete? La gente dice cose come: “Sai, ho perso mio padre”. “Ah, salterà fuori!” Bisogna restare ottimisti con gente così. Dargli motivo di sperare. “Hai controllato nel cassonetto sul retro? Gli piaceva schiacciare un pisolino lì dentro. Sii ottimista”. Ora… C’è un’altra cosa che si dice dopo una morte… …ma questa riguarda la fede. Ed è qui che comincio ad avere… …grossi problemi! Questa succede dopo il funerale, dopo la sepoltura, al ritorno a casa, al ritorno a casa… Dove la famiglia e gli amici e i cari del defunto… …stanno mangiano e bevendo… …e si godono qualche affettuoso ricordo della persona che è deceduta. Prima o poi qualcuno certamente dirà quanto segue, ehm… specialmente dopo alcuni drink. “Sapete… Penso che ora lui sia lassù… e ci guardi dall’alto sorridendo. E penso che sia contento”. Allora… Prima di tutto… Non c’è nessun… “lassù”… No, no… …da cui la gente possa sorridere. È poetico, è pittoresco… e penso che alla gente superstiziosa dia un po’ di conforto, ma non esiste. Ma se esistesse, se esistesse… …e se qualcuno in qualche modo sopravvivesse alla morte in forma non fisica… …personalmente penso che sarebbe fin troppo occupato con altre attività celestiali, per stare in giro per il Paradiso… …sorridendo… …alle persone vive. Che razza di eternità del cazzo è quella? E perché nessuno dice mai: “Penso che ora lui sia laggiù… e ci guardi dal basso sorridendo”? Evidentemente, non viene mai in mente alla gente che i loro cari potrebbero essere all’Inferno! I vostri genitori potrebbero essere all’Inferno proprio adesso! I vostri genitori… vostro padre di sicuro! Oh, merda, l’Inferno è pieno di papà! Pieno di papà… Anche quelli che vi hanno portato a vedere la partita. Solo per avervi preso a calci in culo una volta di troppo. E aver scopato la vicina di casa! E aver scopato il cane dei vicini! E chi lo sa, forse anche per aver scopato il tipo dell’UPS. Non sapremo mai che marachelle combinava papà. Genitori in Paradiso… Genitori all’Inferno, scusatemi… Mi dà una sensazione piacevole, sapete? NONNI all’Inferno. Immaginatevi quello. Immaginate vostra nonna all’Inferno. Che cucina torte senza bisogno del forno. E se qualcuno fosse all’Inferno, dubito seriamente… …che sorriderebbe. “Penso che ora lui sia laggiù e ci guardi gridando. E penso che sia in preda ad atroci dolori”. La gente rifiuta di essere realista, non le piace essere realista. La gente preferisce masturbarsi. A tutti piace masturbarsi, sapete? Si masturbano da soli, si masturbano a vicenda, si fanno masturbare, masturbano il capo, il capo masturba loro, tutti masturbano tutti, è un gran masturbarsi in questo paese! Il governo vi masturba ogni giorno, la religione non ha mai smesso di masturbarvi, le grandi aziende vi masturbano per bene, ed è una grande, transcontinentale, nazionale masturbazione rossa bianca e blu! Sapete… Sì! Sapete quale dovrebbe essere l’emblema di questo paese? Dimenticatevi dell’aquila coraggiosa. L’emblema nazionale di questo paese dovrebbe essere lo Zio Sam nudo sull’attenti, e seduta su una sedia accanto a lui… …la Statua della Libertà che gli fa una sega! Quello sarebbe un bel simbolo per le Seghe Unite d’America! Sono tutte stronzate, gente… tutte stronzate e non vi fanno bene. Ora, parlando di persone morte in Paradiso… …ci sono alcune persone… …che non solo credono… …che i loro genitori morti in Paradiso possano vederli… OK? OK! Credono onestamente che i loro genitori morti in Paradiso… …li possano aiutare! Avete sentito parlare questa gente, ne sono sicuro. In qualche modo credono onestamente che i loro genitori morti in Paradiso… …possano intercedere con Dio a loro nome per ottenere favori per i viventi. Vengo da una famiglia cattolica, ho sentito queste stronzate! Si siedono lì sulla sedia col loro fottuto rosario e ti guardano così, sapete? E dicono, sapete: “Mio padre, mio padre si è preso cura di me… …si è preso cura si me sull’autostrada, mi ha fatto uscire dall’incidente…” “Oh, mia madre, mia madre era in chirurgia con me, lei era… …potevo sentire la sua presenza…” Sì, sì, sì, sì, sì, sì, sì… Va bene!… Come se quelli che muoiono non avessero niente di meglio da fare che gestire… …il ramo paradisiaco della fondazione Make A Wish. Ora… Se la gente vuole a credere a questa roba mi sta bene, lasciate che ci credano, io non… non… non voglio disilludere nessuna delle loro credenze, ma ho una domanda a proposito. Una domanda che riguarda… la LOGICA! Supponiamo che sia vero. Accettiamo l’affermazione che in qualche modo i genitori morti in Paradiso possano aiutare i loro bambini vivi. Bene. Quindi… Abbiamo una famiglia che vive sulla Terra, padre, madre e quattro figli, una famiglia di sei persone, buona famiglia, bella famiglia, che fa tutte le cose giuste, si diverte e azzecca tutte le mosse. E i… i genitori vanno via per il weekend e rimangono uccisi in un incidente, e i bambini naturalmente sopravvivono. Quindi ora, secondo questa teoria, queste due persone vanno in Paradiso… …e iniziano ad aiutare i loro quattro bambini vivi. Aiutandoli con tutto ciò che serve loro: aiutandoli col loro progetto di scienze, con i test di ammissione, aiutandoli a entrare in buone scuole, a ottenere bei lavori, a ottenere una promozione e un aumento e qualcuno da sposare quando crescono. Questi bambini ora crescono e hanno figli a loro volta, e diciamo che tutti e quattro questi bambini ora cresciuti… …muoiono anch’essi nello stesso momento. Così, tanto per discutere. Diciamo che c’è un’esplosione alla cena del Ringraziamento. E questi quattro muoiono, ma i loro bambini sopravvivono… …perché erano seduti al tavolo dei bambini. Quindi… …quindi ora, secondo la teoria, questi quattro vanno in Paradiso… …e iniziano ad aiutare i loro figli vivi. Ma che succede ai due originari? Che succede ai nonni? Vanno fuori servizio, adesso? Che fanno? Ci sono dei programmi di pensionamento lassù? Ci sono delle attività per queste persone? Bocce, flipper, poker online? Dev’esserci qualcosa che possano fare! Oppure devono restare in servizio indefinitamente, devono continuare ad aiutare i loro discendenti vivi per sempre, nei secoli dei secoli? È tutto qui il senso del Paradiso, aiutare i vivi? Quand’è che puoi stenderti su una nuvola e prendere una cazzo di lezione di arpa, capite cosa intendo? Perché… …perché la gente muore… …la gente muore da un sacco di tempo, sono morti un sacco di figli di puttana, lo sapevate? Sì che lo sapevate che sono morti un sacco di figli di puttana! Ci hanno vissuto in cento miliardi su questa Terra. È quello che dicono gli esperti, cento miliardi di persone hanno vissuto qui. Diciamo che la metà di questi è morta ed è andata in Paradiso, ci sono 50 miliardi di persone lassù, è un posto molto affollato, dev’essere molto occupato e molto frenetico lassù. E Dio deve averne le palle piene di questi favori: “Sì, sì, lo so, la prova di spelling, martedì, levati dalle palle per favore! Levati dalle palle!” Sapete? Anche Dio può andare in sovraccarico sensoriale. Ecco perché ha voluto un giorno libero a settimana. I cristiani gli hanno dato la domenica, gli ebrei gli hanno dato il sabato, i musulmani gli hanno dato il venerdì. Dio ha un fine settimana di tre giorni! Che probabilmente è proprio ciò di cui ha bisogno. Ora, solo un altro paio di domande a proposito di tutta questa teoria: supponiamo che muori senza avere figli. Chi aiuti? Sconosciuti? Sarebbe gentile… Supponiamo che sei un bambino adottato. Chi aiuta TE? Tua madre biologica? Non sa nemmeno dove cazzo vivi! Supponiamo che uccidi i tuoi genitori. Ti aiuteranno? Vi garantisco che il signore e la signora Menendez non stanno aiutando quei due ragazzi… (Nota: Lyle ed Erik Menendez, uccisero i loro genitori nel 1989) No, no… Sì, sono tutte stronzate, gente, e non vi fanno bene. Tutte stronzate: ecco cosa vi dovete ricordare per passare attraverso la vita in questo paese… Sono tutte stronzate, e non vi fanno bene. Ora… parlando di genitori e parlando di stronzate… …due idee che non sempre si escludono a vicenda, a proposito… …vorrei citare un particolare tipo di stronzata… …che ha preso piede in questo paese negli ultimi trenta-quarant’anni. È una forma di stronzata che davvero può essere chiamata solo… …culto del bambino. È il culto del bambino. È questa eccessiva devozione per i bambini. Parlo dei genitori professionisti di oggi, questi… questi annusatori ossessivi di pannolini… …che stanno iperprogrammando e iperamministrando i loro bambini, e privandoli della loro infanzia. Anche il semplice atto di gioc… Anche il semplice atto di giocare… …è stato portato via ai bambini e messo nel programma di mamma… …nella forma di appuntamenti per il gioco. Qualcosa che dovrebbe essere spontaneo e libero, adesso viene rigidamente pianificato. Quand’è che un bambino può sedersi in un cortile con un bastone, ormai? Sapete, solo sedersi lì con un cazzo di bastone! I bambini di oggi lo sanno almeno cos’è un bastone? Sapete? Ti siedi in un cortile con un cazzo di bastone… …e scavi una cazzo di buca. E guardi la buca… e guardi il bastone… …e ti diverti un po’. Ma i bambini non hanno più bastoni. Non penso che siano rimasti dei bastoni! Pensano che siano stati ritirati tutti a causa della vernice al piombo. Chi avrebbe mai pensato che un giorno la produzione dei bastoni sarebbe stata esternalizzata in Cina? Ma sapete, un bambino non dovrebbe comunque perdere tempo con un bastone. Se ha quattro anni dovrebbe stare a casa… …a studiare per i suoi esami di ingresso all’asilo! La sapevate questa cazzata? Oggigiorno succede, sì, sì… Ci sono posti in cui ci sono esami di ingresso all’asilo. Quel povero stronzetto! Quel povero stronzetto riesce a malapena localizzare il suo uccello! Sapete… e… e già lo mettono sotto pressione perché abbia successo! Che abbia successo per il bene dei genitori! Questa non è forse una forma sofisticata di sfruttamento minorile? È peggio! È peggio dello sfruttamento minorile! A proposito di sfruttamento minorile, prossima fermata: scuola elementare! La scuola elementare, dove non lo lasceranno giocare a guardie e ladri… …perché incoraggia la vittimizzazione. E non lo lasceranno giocare a palla avvelenata perché è esclusorio. E incita all’aggressività. Starsene in piedi va ancora bene… Starsene in piedi è ancora permesso, ma non per molto, perché prima o poi qualche bambino se ne starà in piedi… …e i suoi piedi si addormenteranno e i genitori denunceranno la scuola… …e addio al fottuto starsene in piedi! Fortunatamente non tutto è perduto. Non tutto è perduto perché almeno sappiamo… …che quando finalmente riesce a giocare a qualunque gioco gli sia concesso, il bambino non perderà mai. Sappiamo che non perderà mai perché nell’America di oggi nessun bambino perde mai! Non ci sono più perdenti. Sono tutti vincitori. Non importa di quale sport o gioco o competizione si tratti, vincono tutti! Vincono tutti, tutti hanno un trofeo. Nessuno è un perdente. Nessun bambino oggigiorno ha modo di sentire quelle importantissime parole che formano il carattere: “Hai perso, Bobby! Hai perso, sei un perdente, Bobby!” Si perdono questa cosa! Sapete cosa dicono a un bambino che perde, oggigiorno? “Sei stato l’ultimo vincitore”. Molti di questi bambini non possono sentire la verità su di loro fino ai vent’anni! Quando il loro capo li chiama e dice: “Bobby, ripulisci la scrivania dalla tua merda e levati dalle palle, sei un perdente! Levati dalle palle!” Naturalmente i genitori di Bobby riescono a capire perché non riesca a tenersi un lavoro. A scuola era sempre nella lista dei migliori studenti! Quello che non capiscono, chiaramente, è che nelle scuole di oggi… …sono tutti nella lista dei migliori studenti! Sono tutti nella lista dei migliori studenti perché per essere nella lista dei migliori studenti… …tutto quello che devi fare è mantenere una temperatura corporea più o meno intorno ai 36 gradi. Ma non ci dovremmo preoccupare di come va a scuola, perché appena arriva l’estate se ne andrà al campo estivo. Sì, andrà al campo. Ma non per nuotare, fare escursioni o giocare a softball! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Il bambino di oggi viene mandato lontano da casa per perdere peso. Lo manderanno al campo estivo dei grassi, o al campo del violino, o al campo della ceramica, o al campo del computer, o al campo per la leadership, qualunque cazzo di cosa sia. Un campo per la leadership? Non è quello in cui è andato Hitler? Campi estivi strutturati e specializzati… Devono tenere lo stronzetto occupato, vero? Devono tenere lo stronzetto occupato! Non vogliono che si ritagli un po’ di tempo non strutturato nei boschi. Non sarebbe una cosa buona… Dio non voglia che cominci a farsi le seghe! Ora, tutte queste stupide stronzate che stanno danneggiando i bambini… …sono fuoriuscite da una cosa che si chiama “il movimento dell’autostima”. Il movimento dell’autostima è iniziato nel 1970… …e sono felice di dire che è stato un totale fallimento, perché degli studi hanno ripetutamente dimostrato… …che avere un’alta autostima non migliora i voti, non aiuta nel fare carriera, non riduce nemmeno l’uso di alcol, e senza dubbio non riduce il ricorso alla violenza, di qualunque tipo. Perché, come si è visto, le persone violente, estremamente aggressive, pensano molto bene di loro stesse! Guarda un po’, i sociopatici hanno un’alta autostima. Chi ci avrebbe mai pensato, eh? Adoro quando succedono queste cose, adoro quando queste idee politicamente corrette crollano e bruciano e finiscono nella latrina. Ecco un’altra che ha tirato le cuoia: la pratica di ascoltare Mozart durante la gravidanza in modo che il feto lo possa sentire. Si pensava che aumentasse l’intelligenza. Non ha funzionato, non ha funzionato. Tutto quello che ha fatto è stato vendere un sacco di CD e rompere le palle a un sacco di feti. Il movimento dell’autostima ruotava attorno a un unico concetto: l’idea, l’unica idea, che ogni bambino è speciale. Ragazzi, lo ripetevano sempre, come per convincere loro stessi: “Ogni bambino è speciale!” E io dicevo sempre: “Andate affancuuuuulo!” Ogni bambino è chiaramente NON speciale! Ne avete mai visto uno? Avete mai dato uno sguardo da vicino a uno di questi cazzo di bambini? Sono bizzarri! Hanno un aspetto fottutamente bizzarro! Sono troppo piccoli, sono troppo fottutamente piccoli! Sono sproporzionati, la testa non va bene col corpo, le braccia sono troppo strane, e non riescono a camminare per la stanza in linea retta! E quando parlano, lo fanno come se avessero la bocca piena di merda! Sono incompleti! Incompleti, lavoro non terminato. Non dò mai credito ad un lavoro incompleto! Ora, P.T. Barnum potrebbe pensare che siano speciali… (Nota: P.T. Barnum, fondatore dello storico circo omonimo) …ma non io, io ho dei canoni estetici. Ma diciamo che è vero. Concediamolo. Oggi mi sento generoso. Accettiamo questa affermazione. Diciamo che è vero che in qualche modo… tutti… …tutti i bambini sono speciali. Che mi dite di tutti gli adulti? Non sono speciali anche tutti gli adulti? E se no… …se no, a che età passi… …dall’essere “speciale”… …ad essere “non tanto speciale”? E se ogni adulto è speciale, significa che siamo tutti speciali, e l’intera idea perde tutto il suo cazzo di significato! Ecco un’altra banalità che vi ficcano in gola: “I bambini sono il nostro futuro”. I bambini non sono il nostro futuro, e lo posso provare con la mia solita logica ineccepibile. I bambini non possono essere il nostro futuro perché… …quando il futuro sarà arrivato non saranno più bambini… …quindi ciucciatemi il cazzo! Sì. Come avrete notato, mi piace sempre presentare un argomento attentamente ragionato. Crescere un bambino non è difficile! Cercano di renderlo questo compito misterioso e difficile. Non ci vuole niente. È la cosa più facile del mondo, crescere un bambino, se segui i passi. Primo passo: prendi il bambino… …e lo metti fuori all’angolo della strada… …e lo lasci lì. Torni dopo una settimana. Se il bambino è ancora lì… ti sei procurato uno stupido fottuto bambino. Poi semplicemente procedi da quel punto. Sono tutte stronzate, gente, sono tutte stronzate e non vi fanno bene. Ora… Non si direbbe… …a giudicare da alcune cose che ho detto nel corso degli anni… …ma la gente mi piace. Davvero. Mi piace la gente, ma mi piace a piccole dosi. Non mi piace la gente per lunghi periodi di tempo. Mi vanno bene per un po’… …ma dopo che è passato circa… un minuto, un minuto e mezzo… …mi devo togliere dalle palle. E il motivo di questo… Il motivo… che voi potreste condividere, forse… …è che ho un livello di tolleranza molto basso per le cazzate! Tutto qui! Cazzate! E tutti vogliono raccontarti le loro cazzate! E molti non sanno quando smettere di parlare, avete mai incontrato un tipo così? Non sa quando smettere di parlare, continua sempre, blaterando come se avesse la diarrea verbale. Non sa quando la conversazione è finita, stupida merda volgare di cui non ti importa nulla. Cose di cui non sei neppure lontanamente interessato! “Ti ho detto di mia mamma e mio papà? Be’, mia mamma e mio papà sono andati in vacanza nel parco di Mammoth Cave, nel Kentucky. Questo circa… …sei anni fa, credo. Mi sembra che fossero sei. Circa sei anni fa. Sei o sette, forse sette, può essere. Da qualche parte lì in mezzo, sei, sette… Più di sei, meno di sette. Diciamo sei e mezzo. Allora, mia mamma e mio papà sono andati in vacanza a Mammoth Cave, nel Kentucky, E mio padre ha trovato un grosso sasso. Ciò che pensava fosse un grosso sasso, poi si scoprì che era uno stronzo di dinosauro! Uno stronzo di dinosauro pietrificato di 12 Kg. Sai, ora che ci penso… …potrebbe essere stato otto anni fa. Così sarebbe vicino al 2000, vero? Ti ricordi dell’anno 2000? Che cosa è successo? Tutti erano così preoccupati, e poi non è successo niente! Tanto casino e poi non è successo niente! Sai? Ragazzi… è strano, sai? Allora diciamo che sono otto… otto ann… O erano otto o erano cinque. Quindi il mio papà dà alla mia mamma questo grosso stronzo e dice: ‘Tieni mamma, questo è uno stronzo di dinosauro, mettilo nella borsetta così lo portiamo a casa’. La mia mamma dice: ‘Papà, non penso che questo sia uno stronzo di dinosauro, questa cosa è ancora calda! Chiunque abbia mollato questa cosa sta ancora camminando qui dentro… …e faremmo meglio a uscire da questa cazzo di grotta!’ NOVE anni fa! Nove! So era nove anni fa perché mia moglie era incinta del nostro primo figlio: Mahmud Ibenel Sahid Ben-Salaam. E lui ha dieci anni, adesso! O ne ha undici? Forse ne ha undici. O ne ha undici o ne ha cinque!” E mentre tutto questo accade, tu cerchi nella tua mente qualcosa di diplomatico ed educato e gentile da dire… …per far finire la conversazione. E tutto quello che mi viene in mente è: “Vattene affanculo!” “Vattene affanculo!” Ma non lo puoi dire! Tu… le buone maniere non lo consentono, devi trovare un altro modo. E io passo al… linguaggio del corpo! Tento di usare il linguaggio del mio corpo per far vedere che la conversazione è finita. Mi ritrovo a piegarmi a un angolo di 45 gradi… …tentando di indicare la direzione in cui vorrei andare… …se questa persona chiudesse la sua cazzo di bocca. E quindi potreste dargli anche un suggerimento verbale: “Sala operatoria! Sala operatoria, sono in ritardo per la sala operatoria! Vado a farmi cucire le orecchie!” Sapete… Sì… La stessa gente al telefono, la stessa gente al telefono! Non sanno quando riattaccare, non sanno quando la conversazione è finita. Le stesse stronzate banali, domande idiote: “Allora, cosa farete voi fra cinque estati? Noi non abbiamo programmi, Marge vuole andare al mare, ai ragazzi piacerebbe il lago e io voglio andare in montagna, la nonna vuole visitare sua sorella a Frogballs, Arkansas. E voi, avete qualcosa in programma? Non è mai troppo presto per fare programmi, noi andiamo in Norvegia nel 2025! Lo sapevi che fino agli anni ’50 l’economia della Norvegia si basava principalmente sulla pesca, ma ora grazie all’espansione dell’economia globale e al miglioramento delle tecniche di estraz…” “Sì”, e ancora una volta cerchi nella tua mente la cosa giusta da dire… …per porre fine alla conversazione. “Chiudi quella cazzo di bocca” viene alla mente… O “vattene affan…” Che ne dite di “Chiudi quella fogna”? Potrebbe andare bene… (Nota: nell’originale ‘Piehole’) O, se preferite le latrine, “Chiudi quella cazzo di latrina”! (Nota: nell’originale ‘Cakehole’) Ma queste cose non volete… non potete dire quelle cose, e non potete usare il linguaggio del corpo al telefono! Be’, potete sempre distrarvi, sapete… O, se è vostra madre, portate rispetto per vostra madre, mettetela in vivavoce… …ma questo non sposta la conversazione, dovete trovare un altro espediente, e io passo al tono della voce. Avete mai usato il tono della voce per cercare di convincerli a un atterraggio morbido? Cerchi di accompagnare la persona verso la fine. “Giusto… bene… OK… bene… a posto allora… bene, giusto… bene, OK, OK… a posto… Oh, cazzo, ecco che ricomincia, il succhiacazzi!” “Ti ricordi la mia vicina con le ustioni sul 90% del corpo? Be’, si è ustionata il rimanente 10% adesso… Si stava accendendo una scoreggia e il suo cespuglietto ha preso fuoco!” “Ascolti… ascolti, reverendo? rev… reverendo, reverendo, odio essere sgarbato, ma ho appena fatto una cacata di tre ore e mezza! E sto sanguinando dal buco del culo! No, non ce l’ho il mercurocromo. Sì, ci metterò su un cerotto di Snoopy, grazie. Sì, sì, grazie, lo faccia lei per me, dica una preghiera per il buco del mio culo, grazie mille”. Bisogna ricorrere a queste tattiche perché molta gente non capisce… …cosa dovrebbe essere una telefonata, o cosa SIA una telefonata. Idealmente una telefonata è il breve scambio di pochi, vitali, elementi di informazione. Questa è una telefonata: “Ehi, Steve, a che ora inizia il circolo dei segaioli stasera? Alle 10, OK, senti, farò un po’ di ritardo, dovrete iniziare senza di me. Oh, non ti preoccupare, recupererò, sto mangiando un sacco di ostriche e guardando un film zozzo. Ah, si chiama “Tarzan si scopa una zebra”! Russell Crowe! Be’, è un fantasy, proprio ora Reneé Zellweger lo sta succhiando a un unicorno!” QUESTA è una telefonata! Non dovrebbe essere un’arringa di due ore e mezza di tua cugina di terzo grado… …che descrive la liposuzione del suo postino. DIO, quant’è fottutamente noiosa la gente! La gente è proprio fottutamente noiosa! Sapete cosa sarebbe bello per uno come me? Andare in coma! Non sarebbe grandioso? Niente da fare tutto il giorno, soltanto cacare e respirare con un cazzo di tubo! Ti nutrono con un tubo, non c’è niente da fare! Ragazzi, se volete sapere com’è poltrire, ecco qua! Non ti arrivano telefonate, nessuno che fa un salto da te all’improvviso. E se fanno un salto da te, ne sei completamente inconsapevole! Perché sei in un cazzo di coma! E sei praticamente clinicamente morto! E non devi stare a sentire le loro stupide stronzate. Le loro stupide stronzate, come… …il loro nuovo trattorino tagliaerba, con il clacson bitonale e il GPS in caso si perdano in mezzo al prato! E il loro capo, e il loro lavoro, e la loro auto, e i loro bambini! Cristo Santo!  I loro bambini! Gente, gente… Niente di peggio… niente di peggio… …che essere bloccato da qualche parte con qualche coglione sposato… …e starlo a sentire mentre ti parla dei suo fottuti bambini! Lasciate che vi dica una cosa, gente: a nessuno interessano i vostri bambini, OK? Non ci interessano… non ci interessano. A nessuno interessano i vostri bambini, e parlo a nome di tutti! Sono stato incaricato dal resto del gruppo di informarvi che non ci interessano i vostri bambini, ed è per questo che sono i VOSTRI bambini! In modo che voi possiate prendervi cura di loro e noi non dobbiamo occuparcene. Ma ve lo dicono comunque. “Thor fa la seconda media, adesso, è nel Club del formaggio! Gisele ha cinque anni, ed ha già avuto nove cicli! Johann ha undici anni, e praticamente sta seduto in casa in preda ad allucinazioni tutto il tempo”. Poi vogliono mostrarvi le foto. Ecco un’altra dura prova: le foto. Questi piccoli gargoyle… …che hanno liberato dai loro lombi. Tutte queste mamme professioniste, che pensano che non ci sia niente di meglio di avere un bambino. Oh, pensano che sia la cosa più grande del mondo, come se fosse un grande evento, avere un bambino. Io lo chiamo espellere un’unità. Questo… questo è tutto ciò che fanno, questo è tutto ciò che fanno, espellere una fottuta unità. Un po’ come una linea di assemblaggio, come una fabbrica… Ogni cazzo di anno! “Ehi, Jeff, vuoi un figlio?” “O dei gemelli?” Inquinando il mondo! Inquinando il mondo con queste creature! Che non hanno futuro! Non hanno futuro! Avete mai pensato a come sarà questo pianeta fra 40-50 anni? Sarà una grande fumante palla di merda! Una grande, fumante, ardente, puzzolente palla di merda maleodorante. Ecco cosa succederà. Ecco cosa succederà! È da irresponsabili avere più di un figlio! Fatene uno, fate un figlio, valore di rimpiazzo per voi stesse, tutto qui. Non rimpiazzate nemmeno vostro marito! Non rimpiazzate vostro marito, no! Ha fatto già abbastanza danni così, cazzo. Ma vi vogliono mostrare le foto! A volte ti avvisano, sai, è bello, dicono: “Ehi, vuoi vedere delle foto dei miei figli?” “Nooo! Descrivimeli e basta”. Ma te le mostrano, e… …ci sono due modi in cui puoi comportarti, ho scoperto. Due modi per comportarti con le foto: il primo è il modo tranquillo. L’affronti con calma, senza innervosirti, stai al gioco… “Uh-uh… bimbo… …bimba, sì… …bimbo più grande… …bimba più grande, bene. Quattro! Senti, devo andare a lavarmi l’inguine, ci vediamo dopo!” E ti togli dalle palle. Oppure potete fare ciò che faccio io. Potete fare ciò che faccio io: siate un po’ onesti circa quello che vedete. Fate un tentativo. Dite la verità. “Guarda che cazzo di testa ha quel bimbo! Gesù, dove cazzo ha preso una testa così? Quella roba è ENORME! Lo hai già messo su YouTube? Avrebbe un sacco di contatti con una testa così. O mettilo su eBay, potresti fare un po’ di soldi, sai? Sono sicuro che qualche circo europeo non si lascerà sfuggire questo stronzetto per nulla al mondo, amico… Mio Dio, che cosa insolita! Senti, forse un giorno gli andrà bene, non si sa mai con i bambini. Lascia che ti chieda una cosa pratica: dove si trovano cappelli per un bimbo così?” Dite la verità, non dite cazzate alla gente. Non dite cazzate, ce ne sono già abbastanza in giro così. Ci sono un sacco di cazzate. Poi vogliono mostrarvi le foto della loro bambina. Che sta mettendo i denti permanenti. E pensano che sia una cosa carina! Non lo è! È orribile, cazzo! Avete… avete mai visto i denti dei bimbi di qualcuno? Avete mai dato un bello sguardo DENTRO la bocca? Ci avete mai guardato, e cosa succede? A volte diverse file di fottuti denti che spuntano? Che spuntano con strane angolazioni? “Ce n’è uno sotto la lingua, è un posto insolito per un dente. Un dente sublinguale, mio Dio, guarda che roba…” Ancora una volta, dite la verità. “Faresti meglio a cominciare a risparmiare fin d’ora, amico. Ti costerà una fortuna aggiustare questo schifo! Avrai bisogno di una squadra internazionale di ortodontisti 24 ore su 24… …per migliorarlo un po’… Dovresti chiamare la FEMA, mi sembra un bel cazzo di problema! (Nota: la FEMA, Agenzia Federale per la Gestione delle Emergenze, si occupa di disastri naturali) Ma tu guarda! Hai il numero della Guardia Nazionale? Fagli uno squillo! Senti, perché non glieli fai tirare tutti, così può ricominciare da zero? Oppure falle una foto con la bocca chiusa! Non ti risparmierà molte sofferenze, alla lunga. Senti, sei cattolico, per caso? Be’, te lo chiedo perché forse la dovresti portare a Lourdes e pregare per un miracolo, laggiù”. Dite la verità, non dite cazzate alla gente! Come ho detto, ci sono già abbastanza cazzate in giro così. Le cazzate sono abbastanza così, anzi, sono proprio nella giusta misura. Lo sapevate? C’è la giusta quantità di cazzate per tenere insieme le cose in questo paese. Le cazzate sono la colla… …che ci lega come nazione. Dove andremmo a finire senza le nostre sicure, familiari, cazzate americane? Terra dei liberi, patria dei coraggiosi, il sogno americano, tutti gli uomini sono uguali, la giustizia è cieca, la stampa è libera, il tuo voto conta… …il lavoro è onesto, i buoni vincono sempre, i poliziotti sono dalla tua parte… …Dio ti osserva, il tuo stile di vita non si abbasserà mai… …e tutto andrà per il verso giusto. Il mucchio ufficiale nazionale di cazzate. La chiamo la presa per il culo americana. Si può provare che ognuno di quegli elementi non è vero a un livello o un altro, ma ci crediamo perché ce li piantano in testa da quando siamo piccoli. Ecco cosa fanno con quella roba, la mettono nella testa dei bambini, la piantano lì, perché i bambini… …sanno che i bambini sono troppo giovani per organizzare un qualche argomento sofisticato contro questo tipo di idee. E così, i bambini… …e fino a una certa età, a proposito, i bambini credono a qualunque cosa un adulto dica loro, qualunque. Così i bambini non imparano mai a mettere in dubbio le cose, nessuno mette più in dubbio niente in questo paese! Nessuno mette in dubbio niente… Perché? La gente è troppo grassa e felice! La gente è troppo fottutamente benestante, per quanto li riguarda. Tutti hanno un cellulare che fa le frittelle e gli massaggia le palle, ora, sapete? Allora… nessuno vuole… Nessuno vuole rompere il giocattolo! E la gente… la gente… i gadget elettronici… Gli americani sono stati zittiti, comprati e zittiti da gadget elettronici e giocattoli. E il risultato è che nessuno ha mai imparato a mettere in dubbio le cose. Nessuno mette più in dubbio niente in questo paese. Nessuno mette in dubbio niente… Ora… OK… Vi ricordate di Barbara Bush? Io la chiamo la tamarra d’argento, ve la ricordate? Barbara Bush è la madre del governatore George Bush. Lo chiamo “governatore” Bush perché quello è l’unico incarico elettivo che ha ricoperto legalmente nel nostro paese, OK? George Bush W. Non mi importa dove appendono il suo ritratto, non mi importa quanto è grande la sua biblioteca, sarà sempre il governatore Bush. Non scrivo nemmeno più il suo nome con l’iniziale maiuscola! Quindi, lei è la madre del governatore George Bush, ed è anche la moglie di suo padre, George H. W. Bush, che diventò presidente nel modo normale, legale, tradizionale. E quando accadde, lei lo seguì per stare al suo fianco come first lady. E fino a oggi, questa è stata la tradizione: un uomo viene eletto e una donna gli sta accanto come first lady. E di solito, come nella vita americana in generale, si è accondiscendenti con la donna, la si accontenta, le si dà qualcosa da fare, per tenerla occupata. Tante volte le si dà un istituto di beneficienza, una causa, qualcosa per cui si possa battere. A Betty Ford dissero di bere, ve lo ricordate? (Nota: moglie del presidente Gerald Ford, aveva un passato da alcolizzata) Sì… Sì, era… era il compito di Betty Ford: “Betty? Ubriacati fino ad essere totalmente devastata, spaccata, sbronza, OK? Bevi fino a spaccarti, e ti ripuliremo, piccola, ti ripuliremo, ti metteremo in un istituto, e tornerai sobria, e daremo il tuo nome alla struttura, lì Liza Minnelli potrà tornare sobria, e tutto andrà bene”. Quello era il suo compito! Il compito di Barbara Bush era… …convincere i bambini a leggere! Ve lo ricordate? Convincere i bambini a leggere. Avranno pensato: “Ci è riuscita così bene con George… …che avrà un talento naturale nell’insegnare a leggere ai bambini”. Che è un punto di vista completamente sbagliato! Non è importante convincere i bambini a leggere! I bambini che vogliono leggere, leggeranno, i bimbi che vogliono imparare a leggere, impareranno. È molto più importante insegnare ai bambini a mettere in dubbio ciò che leggono! Ai bambini bisognerebbe insegnare a mettere in dubbio ogni cosa, a mettere in dubbio tutto ciò che leggono, tutto ciò che sentono. Ai bambini bisognerebbe insegnare a mettere in dubbio l’autorità, i genitori non insegnano mai ai bambini a mettere in dubbio l’autorità, perché… …i genitori stessi sono figure autoritarie, non vogliono sabotare le loro cazzate all’interno della famiglia! Così masturbano i figli, i figli masturbano loro, si masturbano tutti a vicenda, crescono tutti rincoglioniti e vengono a spettacoli come questo! I bambini devono essere avvisati che troveranno un sacco di cazzate sulla loro strada. È la cosa migliore che potete fare per i bambini, dire loro come funziona la vita in questo paese: funziona che ci sono un mucchio di cazzate che devono essere individuate ed evitate. È la cosa migliore da fare. Nessuno lo ha detto a me! Nessuno mi ha detto niente del genere. Non mi hanno mai avvisato di niente, ho dovuto scoprire tutto da solo, e tuttavia, e probabilmente anche per voi, ci sono tante cose a cui ci si aspetta che tu creda e accetti, in America, con cui personalmente ho dei problemi, e metto in dubbio molte di queste cose. Vi faccio un esempio: ho visto uno slogan sull’auto di un tizio che diceva: “Orgoglioso di essere americano”. E ho pensato: “Che cazzo significa?” “Orgoglioso di essere americano”… vedete… …non ho mai capito l’orgoglio nazionale, non ho mai capito l’orgoglio etnico. Perché… sono irlandese, sapete? Tutti e quattro i miei nonni sono nati in Irlanda, quindi sono completamente irlandese, e quando ero piccolo andavo alla marcia del Saint Patrick’s Day. E ho notato che vendevano una spilla che diceva “Orgoglioso di essere irlandese”. E non l’ho mai capito, perché sapevo… …che nel Columbus Day vendevano un’altra spilla che diceva “Orgoglioso di essere italiano”! E poi veniva il Black Pride, e il Porto Rico Pride, e non ho mai capito l’orgoglio nazionale o etnico, perché, per me, l’orgoglio dovrebbe essere riservato a qualcosa che raggiungi o ottieni per tuo merito, non per qualcosa che capita con la casualità della nascita! Essere irlandese… …essere irlandese non è un’abilità! È un fottuto caso genetico! Non direste mai: “Sono orgoglioso di essere alto 1 e 80”! “Sono orgoglioso di avere una predisposizione per il cancro al colon”. Quindi perché cazzo dovreste essere orgogliosi di essere irlandesi, o orgogliosi di essere italiani, o americani, o qualsiasi cosa. Ehi, se ne siete felici, va bene. Fatelo, mettete quello sulla vostra auto: “Felice di essere americano”. Siate felici, non siate orgogliosi, c’è già troppo orgoglio così. “L’orgoglio precede la sconfitta”, non dimenticate mai i proverbi, OK? Ora, ecco un altro slogan… …ecco un altro slogan che si vede spesso: “Dio benedica l’America”. Ancora una volta, mi chiedo rispettosamente: che cazzo significa? Dio benedica l’America? È una richiesta? È una pretesa? È un suggerimento? I politici lo dicono alla fine di ogni discorso, come se fosse un qualche tic verbale di cui non possono liberarsi. “Dio vi benedica e Dio benedica l’America!” Immagino che pensino che, se tralasciano di dirlo, qualcuno penserà che sono cattivi americani. Lasciate che vi dica un piccolo segreto su Dio, gente: a Dio non frega un cazzo di niente dell’America, OK? Non gli interessa, non gli è mai interessato questo paese, mai lo ha fatto, mai lo farà, non gli interessa questo paese, non più di quanto gli interessi la Mongolia, la Transilvania, Pittsburgh, il Canale di Suez o il Polo Nord. Semplicemente non gli interessa, OK? Non gli interessa! Sentite… Ci sono 200 nazioni al mondo, oggi, questa gente davvero pensa che Dio se ne stia lì seduto a scegliere la sua preferita? Perché dovrebbe farlo? Perché Dio dovrebbe avere un paese preferito? E perché dovrebbe essere l’America, fra tutti i paesi? Perché abbiamo più soldi? Perché gli piace il nostro inno nazionale? Forse è perché ha sentito che abbiamo 18 deliziosi gusti dei classici Rice-a-Ronie! (Rice-a-Ronie: cibo pronto consistente in un misto di riso, vermicelli e aromi) È un pensiero delirante. E gli americani non sono soli con questo tipo di delirio. I cimiteri militari di tutto il mondo sono stracolmi… …di militari morti a cui è stato fatto il lavaggio del cervello, che erano convinti che Dio fosse dalla loro parte. L’America prega Dio di distruggere i nostri nemici, i nostri nemici pregano Dio di distruggere noi… …qualcuno resterà deluso! Qualcuno sta perdendo il suo cazzo di tempo! Potrebbero essere… tutti? Ora… ora… La gente vuole dire “Dio benedica l’America”, fatti loro, non mi importa, ma non capisco una cosa: se dicono “Dio benedica l’America”, presumibilmente credono in Dio. E se lo fanno, devono aver sentito dire che Dio amava tutti! È ciò che ha detto, amava tutti e li amava allo stesso modo. Quindi perché questa gente dovrebbe chiedere a Dio di fare qualcosa che va contro il suo insegnamento? Sapete cosa dovrebbe fare questa gente che dice “Dio benedica l’America”? Dovrebbero controllare cosa faceva quel tizio, Gesù, per cui vanno matti. Parlano sempre di: “Che farebbe Gesù? Che farebbe Gesù?” Non vogliono saperlo per poterlo fare, vogliono saperlo per poter dire agli ALTRI di farlo! Beh, vi dirò cosa avrebbe fatto Gesù… …vi dirò cosa avrebbe fatto Gesù. Sarebbe salito in cima all’Empire State Building e avrebbe detto: “Dio benedica tutti in tutto il mondo per sempre, nei secoli dei secoli”, ecco cosa avrebbe fatto Gesù, ed ecco cosa dovrebbe fare questa gente, altrimenti dovrebbero ammettere che “Dio benedica l’America” è solo uno slogan vuoto, senza un vero significato, se non qualcosa di vago, come: “Buona fortuna!” “Buona fortuna, America, sono cazzi tuoi!” Il che è un po’ più vicino al vero. Ecco… ecco un’usanza civica che non capisco, forse potete aiutarmi: togliersi il cappello quando passa una bandiera, o qualche coglione allo stadio si mette a cantare l’inno nazionale. Ti dicono di toglierti il cappello. Che cazzo c’entra il cappello con il fatto di essere patriottici? Che possibile relazione esiste fra la testa scoperta… …e un sentimento che dovrebbe risiedere nel tuo cuore? Supponiamo che hai un cappello rosso bianco e blu! Supponiamo che hai un cappello fatto con una bandiera! Perché toglierselo per onorare la bandiera? Lo lasceresti a posto… …e lo punteresti verso la bandiera! E… E che c’è di tanto male nei cappelli da doverseli togliere? Perché non togliersi i pantaloni? O le scarpe! Te lo dicono all’aeroporto: “Togliti le scarpe!” Ti dicono che è per la sicurezza nazionale, quindi anche togliersi le scarpe potrebbe essere patriottico! Ho cominciato a farmi domande su queste stupide stronzate sui cappelli quando ero piccolo. Quando ero piccolo, ero cattolico. Almeno fino a quando ho raggiunto l’età della ragione, OK? Quindi, sono stato cattolico… …sono stato cattolico per circa due anni, due anni e mezzo, più o meno. E durante quel periodo, una delle cose che ci dicevano era… …che se un ragazzo o un uomo entravano in una chiesa dovevano togliersi il cappello… …per onorare la presenza di Dio. Ma mi avevano già detto che Dio è ovunque! Così mi chiedevo: “Be’, se Dio è ovunque… perché uno dovrebbe anche solo POSSEDERE un cappello? Perché non mostrare il tuo rispetto non comprandolo nemmeno, il fottuto cappello!” E per confondere ulteriormente le cose, dicevano alle donne esattamente il contrario! Le ragazze e le donne cattoliche dovevano coprirsi la testa quando andavano in chiesa. Come in certi templi, gli uomini ebrei devono coprirsi la testa, in quei templi… In quegli stessi templi, alle donne ebree non è concesso coprirsi la testa. Provate a venire a capo di questa merda! Uomini cattolici e donne ebree, niente cappelli. Le cattoliche… Le donne cattoliche e gli uomini ebrei, coi cappelli! Qualcuno ha capito questa cosa al contrario, cazzo! Non credete? E perché questo fascino religioso per la moda dei cappelli? Ogni religione ha un cazzo di cappello diverso! Lo avete mai notato? Gli indù hanno il turbante, i sikh hanno un turbante alto e bianco, gli ebrei hanno la yarmulka, i musulmani hanno la kefiah, il vescovo un giorno ha un cappello a punta e l’altro uno rotondo, il cardinale ne ha uno rosso, il papa uno bianco, tutti hanno un cazzo di cappello! Un gruppo se lo toglie, l’altro se lo mette. Personalmente non vorrei mai essere membro di nessun gruppo… …in cui devi indossare un cappello, o in cui non puoi indossare un cappello. Penso… Penso che tutte le religioni dovrebbero avere una regola soltanto: cappelli facoltativi! È tutto quello che serve per far funzionare un’ottima religione. Ecco un’altra di queste usanze civiche: giurare sulla Bibbia. Voi ci capite qualcosa? Ti dicono di alzare la mano destra e mettere la sinistra sulla Bibbia. Davvero questa roba è importante? Quale mano? A Dio frega davvero qualcosa di dettagli così? Supponiamo che metti la mano destra sulla Bibbia e alzi la sinistra: sarebbe valido? O Dio direbbe: “Spiacente, mano sbagliata, ritenta!” E per… …perché questa mano qui dev’essere alzata? Dov’è la magia in questo gesto? Sembra quasi un qualche primitivo bastone da stregone voodoo. Perché non mettere la mano sinistra sulla Bibbia e la destra appesa lungo il fianco? È più naturale. O metterla in tasca! Ricordate cosa vi diceva vostra madre? “Non metterti le mani in tasca!” Sapeva qualcosa che non sappiamo? Questa stronzata delle mani è davvero importante? Ma torniamo alla Bibbia, l’arredo scenico nazionale preferito dagli americani. Supponiamo che la Bibbia che ti passano per giurarci su sia capovolta. O messa al contrario. O entrambe le cose. E tu giuri di dire la verità su una Bibbia capovolta e al contrario. Sarebbe valido? Supponiamo che la Bibbia che ti passano è una vecchia Bibbia e mancano metà delle pagine. Supponiamo che hanno solo una Bibbia in cinese! In un tribunale americano. O una Bibbia in braille, e non sei cieco. Supponiamo… …che ti passino una Bibbia capovolta, al contrario, in cinese, in braille, con metà delle pagine mancanti. A che punto tutta questa roba viene meno… …e diventa una grossa stronzata che qualcuno si è inventato? Se la sono inventata, cazzo, è tutto finto! È tutto finto. Ora… bene… OK… Mettiamo da parte la Bibbia, torneremo ai libri di fantascienza più tardi. La domanda più importante è: perché tante scene a proposito di giurare su Dio, in primo luogo? Perché giurare su Dio significa che dirai la verità? Non condizionerebbe me! Se mi dicessero: “Giuri di dire la verità, tutta la verità, nient’altro che la verità, che Dio ti aiuti?” direi: “Sì! Ti dirò più o meno tanta verità quanta ne ha detta la gente che ha scritto quella cazzo di Bibbia, che ne dici?” Giurare sulla Bibbia non significa niente, è roba… è roba da bambini. Ricordate quando eravate bambini? Se dicevate a un altro bambino una cosa e lui non tanto ci credeva, diceva: “Giuri su Dio?” Io dicevo sempre: “Sì, giuro su Dio!” Anche se mentivo. Perché no? Che può succedere se mento? Niente! Non succede niente se menti! A meno che non ti becchino, ma è tutta un’altra storia! A volte un bambino credeva di fare il furbo con me e diceva: “Giuri sulla tomba di tua madre?” Dicevo: “Sì!” Perché no? Prima di tutto mia madre era viva, nemmeno ce l’aveva, una tomba! Secondo, anche se fosse stata morta, che avrebbe potuto fare, uscire dalla tomba e venire a perseguitarmi? Venire a perseguitarmi? Tutto perché ho mentito a un bambino di otto anni? Siate realisti, per favore! A volte dicevo: “Giuro sulle tette di mia madre”. I bambini restano colpiti da cose così! E poi non mi importava nemmeno delle tette di mia madre, non mi importava se cadevano, cazzi suoi! Non era un problema mio: “Sono le tue tette, mamma, tienile d’occhio tu!” Giurare su Dio non significa niente, giurare sulla Bibbia non significa niente. Sapete perché? Perché Bibbia o non Bibbia, Dio o non Dio, se conviene ai loro scopi, la gente mentirà in tribunale! I poliziotti lo fanno in continuazione, in continuazione! Sì, che lo fanno… È parte del loro lavoro, proteggere, servire, e dire falsa testimonianza ogni qualvolta è di aiuto alla causa dello Stato. Giurare sulla Bibbia è solo un altro modo di controllare la gente e metterla in riga, ed è un’altra cosa che ci tiene indietro come specie. Ecco un’altra aggiunta per voi, l’ultima nel nostro libro di educazione civica: i diritti. Ragazzi, tutti in questo paese vanno in giro blaterando dei loro fottuti diritti: “Io ho diritto, tu non hai diritto”, “Noi abbiamo diritto, loro non hanno diritto”, gente, mi dispiace rovinarvi la festa, ma… …non esistono cose chiamate “diritti”, OK? Sono immaginari, li abbiamo inventati! Come il Babau! I tre porcellini, Pinocchio, Mamma Oca, cazzate così. I diritti sono un’idea, sono solo immaginari, sono una bella idea! Bella! Ma nient’altro. Bella e immaginaria. Ma se pensate di avere dei diritti, lasciate che vi chieda questo: da dove vengono? La gente dice: “Vengono da Dio, sono di origine divina”… Oh, cazzo! Ci risiamo! Ci risiamo! La scusa di Dio, l’ultimo rifugio di un uomo senza risposte e senza argomenti. “Vengono da Dio”. Tutto ciò che non sappiamo descrivere dev’essere venuto da Dio. Personalmente, gente, io credo… …che se i vostri diritti venissero da Dio, Lui vi avrebbe dato il diritto a un po’ di cibo ogni giorno, e vi avrebbe dato il diritto ad avere un tetto sopra la testa. Dio si prenderebbe cura di voi. Dio si prenderebbe cura di voi. Lo sapete? Non si sarebbe preoccupato di assicurarsi che voi aveste una pistola… in modo da potervi ubriacare la Domenica sera e uccidere i genitori della vostra ragazza. Ma diciamo che è vero, diciamo che Dio vi ha dato questi diritti. Perché avrebbe dovuto darci un certo numero di diritti? La Carta dei Diritti qui da noi ha 10 articoli, OK? Dieci diritti. Evidentemente, Dio era svogliato quella settimana, perché… …abbiamo dovuto emendare la Carta dei Diritti altre 17 volte. Quindi Dio aveva scordato un paio di cose, come… …la schiavitù! Gli era proprio passata di mente, cazzo! Ma diciamo… …diciamo che Dio ci ha dato i 10 originali. Agli inglesi ne ha dati 13! La Carta dei Diritti inglese ha 13 articoli. I tedeschi ne hanno 29, i belgi ne hanno 25, gli svedesi solo 6, e alcuni popoli non ne hanno affatto! Che cazzo di maledetta roba di origine divina è questa? Nemmeno un diritto?! Perché Dio darebbe a gente diversa in paesi diversi un numero diverso di diritti diversi? Noia? Svago? Cattiva aritmetica? Alla fine, dopo tutto questo tempo, abbiamo scoperto che Dio è scarso in matematica? Non mi sembra che sia un progetto divino. Sembra più un progetto umano. Sembra più un gruppo che cerca di controllare un altro gruppo. In altre parole, niente di nuovo, in America. Ora, se credete di avere dei diritti, ho un ultimo compito da affidarvi: la prossima volta che siete al computer, collegatevi a internet e andate su Wikipedia. Una volta che siete su Wikipedia, nel campo della ricerca voglio che scriviate: “japanese americans 1942”. E scoprirete tutto sui vostri preziosi diritti del cazzo, OK? Bene… Ne siete a conoscenza. Nel 1942 ci furono 110.000 cittadini nippo-americani, benestanti, rispettosi della legge, che furono rinchiusi in campi di internamento… …semplicemente perché i loro genitori erano nati nel paese sbagliato. È tutto ciò che fecero di male, non ebbero nessun diritto a un avvocato, nessun diritto a un giusto processo, nessun diritto a una giuria di loro pari, nessun diritto a un processo di nessun tipo. L’unico diritto che ebbero: “Diritto da questa parte!” Nei campi di internamento. Proprio quando questi cittadini americani avevano più bisogno dei loro diritti, il loro governo glieli ha portati via! E i diritti non sono tali se qualcuno può portarseli via. Sono privilegi. È tutto ciò che abbiamo in questo paese: una Carta di Privilegi Temporanei, e se leggi i giornali anche male, sai che ogni anno la lista si accorcia sempre di più. Sapete, prima o poi… Sì… Prima o poi la gente in questo paese capirà che al governo non frega un cazzo di loro. Al governo non interessi tu, o i tuoi figli, o i tuoi diritti, o il tuo benesse, o la tua sicurezza, semplicemente non gliene frega un cazzo di te! È interessato al proprio potere, è l’unica cosa, a mantenerlo e ad espanderlo dove possibile. Personalmente, quando si parla di diritti, penso che una di queste due cose sia vera: penso che o abbiamo diritti illimitati, o nessun diritto. Personalmente, propendo per i diritti illimitati. Credo, per esempio, di avere il diritto di fare tutto ciò che voglio! Ma, se faccio qualcosa che non vi piace, penso che voi abbiate il diritto di uccidermi! Dove pensate di trovare un fottuto patto migliore di questo? Quindi, la prossima volta che qualche stronzo vi dice: “Ho diritto alla mia opinione”, voi dite: “Ah, sì? Be’, io ho diritto alla mia opinione, e la mia opinione è che tu non hai diritto alla tua opinione!” Poi sparate allo stronzo e andate via! Grazie!

1686241351-13

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

GEORGE CARLIN: YOU ARE ALL DISEASED (1999) – Testo italiano completo

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-diseased-1999-testo-italiano-completo/

Siete gentili, grazie! Grazie mille, lo apprezzo. Grazie mille, grazie a tutti, grazie! Lo apprezzo… Grazie, grazie… Allora, lasciate che vi chieda una cosa… …lasciate che vi chieda, come state tutti stasera, eh? Ottimo, be’, andate affanculo! Cerco solo di farvi sentire a casa vostra. Ora, sentite, sono stato qua fuori tutto questo tempo e non mi sono ancora lamentato di niente, quindi penso che sia ora di entrare nel reparto lamentele. Questa e’ solo una serie di cose che mi fanno incazzare, OK? Una serie di cose che mi fanno incazzare, perche’ io non ho piccole intolleranze, ho delle serie, psicotiche, fottute repulsioni, OK? E cio’ rende il mondo molto più facile da classificare. La prima cosa nella mia lista stasera: la sicurezza aeroportuale. Sono stanco di questa stronzata, ce n’e’ troppa. C’e’ troppa sicurezza negli aeroporti. Sono stanco di un tizio con un QI a due cifre e un reddito a tre cifre… …che rovista nella mia borsa senza ragione e che non trova mai niente! Non hanno ancora trovato niente. Non hanno trovato nessuna bomba in nessuna borsa. E non mi dite: “Be’, i terroristi sanno che le loro borse saranno perquisite… …e ora lasciano le loro bombe a casa”. Non c’e’ nessuna bomba, tutta la storia e’ fottutamente inutile! Ed e’ completamente illogica, non c’e’ alcuna logica! Ti tolgono la pistola, ma ti lasciano tenere il coltello! Come cazzo funziona? Infatti c’e’ un’intera lista di oggetti letali che ti lasciano portare a bordo. In teoria potresti portare: un coltello, un punteruolo da ghiaccio, un’ascia, un rasoio, un paio di forbici, una motosega, sei aghi da maglia e una bottiglia di whisky rotta, e l’unica cosa che ti diranno e’: “Quella borsa deve entrare completamente sotto il sedile davanti a lei”! E… …se non hai portato un’arma a bordo, rilassati: dopo circa un’ora di volo ti porteranno un coltello e una forchetta! Ti danno davvero un fottuto coltello! E’ solo un coltello da tavola, ma potresti uccidere un pilota con un coltello da tavola… Ci potrebbero volere un paio di minuti, sapete? Soprattutto se e’ robusto, eh? Si’, ma lo potresti fare. Se davvero volessi uccidere quella testa di cazzo. Merda, puoi usare un sacco di cose per uccidere qualcuno, forse potresti picchiare uno a morte col New York Times della domenica, vero? O supponiamo che tu abbia delle mani davvero grandi: non potresti strangolare un assistente di volo? Merda, forse potresti anche strangolarne due, uno per mano! Sai, se sei abbastanza fortunato da beccarli in una piccola zona cucina. Prima che distribuiscano le fottute noccioline, sapete? Ma davvero potresti portare a termine il lavoro, se ti importasse abbastanza. Allora perche’ permettono a un uomo con mani grandi e possenti di imbarcarsi su un aereo? Ve lo dico io: sanno che non e’ un rischio per la sicurezza… …perche’ ha gia’ risposto alle tre domandone! Domanda numero 1: “Ha fatto da solo le valigie?” No… (Nota: Carrot Top e’ un comico americano) Carrot Top mi ha fatto le valigie. Lui… …lui e Martha Stewart e Florence Henderson sono venuti a casa mia ieri sera… …mi hanno preparato un’ottima aragosta alla Newberg, mi hanno fatto un massaggio integrale con olii sacri dall’India, abbiamo giocato alla passatella in quattro e poi mi hanno fatto le valigie. Prossima domanda: “Le sue valigie sono state in suo possesso per tutto il tempo?” No! Di solito, la notte prima di partire, proprio quando sorge la luna, metto le mie valigie all’angolo della strada e le lascio li’ incustodite per diverse ore. Cosi’, per buon auspicio. Prossima domanda: “Qualche sconosciuto le ha chiesto di portare qualcosa a bordo?” Ma cos’e’ esattamente uno sconosciuto? Sicuramente tutti sono conosciuti da qualcuno. Infatti proprio stamattina Kareem e Youssef Ali Ben-Gaba… …sembravano conoscersi molto bene! Continuavano fare battute su quale delle mie valigie fosse la piu’ pesante. E questa e’ un’altra cosa che non gradiscono all’aeroporto: le battute. Sapete? Si’, non puoi fare battute su una bomba! Be’, ma perche’ solo le battute? Che ne dite di un indovinello? (Nota: piccola poesia di 5 versi) Oppure un limerick. O un aneddoto sulle bombe. Sapete, nessuna battuta finale, solo una storiella carina. O supponiamo che il tuo commento non volesse essere una battuta, ma una riflessione ironica. Sono preparati a fare questa distinzione? Penso proprio di no! D’altra parte, chi sono loro per dire cos’e’ divertente? La sicurezza aeroportuale e’ un’idea stupida, uno spreco di soldi, ed esiste per un solo motivo: per far sentire sicure le persone bianche! Ecco tutto. L’illusione! La sensazione e l’illusione della sicurezza. Perche’ le autorità’ sanno di non poter rendere un aereo completamente sicuro: troppa gente vi ha accesso. Avrete notato che i trafficanti di droga non hanno molti problemi a imbarcare i loro pacchetti, no? No, e che Dio li benedica, anche! Oh, a proposito, un volo aereo non dovrebbe essere completamente sicuro. Avete bisogno di un po’ di pericolo nelle vostre vite. Correte qualche fottuto rischio ogni tanto! Cosa volete fare, giocare col vostro uccello per altri trent’anni? (Nota: Wendy’s e’ una catena di fast food) Volete leggere People e mangiare da Wendy’s fino alla fine dei tempi? Correte qualche cazzo di rischio! D’altra parte, anche se rendessero tutti gli aerei completamente sicuri, i terroristi inizierebbero semplicemente a mettere bombe in altri luoghi affollati: sexy shop, zone di spaccio, topless bar e orge. Sapete… luoghi di divertimento. Le probabilita’ che voi siate uccisi dai terroristi sono praticamente zero. Quindi dico: rilassatevi e godetevi lo spettacolo. Dovete essere realisti, dovete essere realistici a proposito del terrorismo. Certi gruppi di persone, certi gruppi, musulmani fondamentalisti, cristiani fondamentalisti, ebrei fondamentalisti… e tizi del tutto comuni del Montana… …continueranno a rendere la vita in questo paese molto interessante per tanto, tanto tempo. Questa e’ la realta’. Uomini arrabbiati in uniforme da combattimento che parlano con Dio con una ricetrasmittente… …e che borbottano slogan incoerenti sulla liberta’, alla fine ci procureranno un sacco di divertimento! Soprattutto dopo che la vostra stupida, fottuta economia sara’ collassata, tutta intorno a voi, e i terroristi usciranno dalla clandestinita’. Avrete antrace nell’acqua corrente e gas sarin nell’aria condizionata, ci saranno pacchi bomba chimici e biologici in ogni citta’, e io dico: godetevelo! Rilassatevi! Godetevi lo spettacolo, correte un cazzo di rischio, mettete un po’ di sale nelle vostre vite. Per me il terrorismo e’ eccitante. E’ eccitante. Io penso che l’idea stessa che tu possa mettere una bomba in un mercato e uccidere diverse centinaia di persone… …e’ eccitante e stimolante e la vedo come una forma di spettacolo. Spettacolo, ecco cos’e’! Si’! Ma so anche che la maggior parte degli americani sono deboli, spaventati e senza immaginazione… …e non capiscono che una cosa cosi’ e’ uno spettacolo pericoloso. E di certo non riconoscono un bello spettacolo quando ne vedono uno. Sono sempre stato disposto a espormi a grossi rischi personali per il bene dello spettacolo. E sono sempre stato disposto a esporre voi a grossi rischi per lo stesso motivo. Per quanto mi riguarda, tutta questa sicurezza aeroportuale, tutte le perquisizioni, le scansioni, le telecamere, le domande, sono solo un altro modo di ridurre la vostra liberta’… …e di ricordarvi che possono fottervi ogni volta che vogliono! Purche’ vi ci rassegnate. Il che significa, naturalmente, ogni volta che vogliono. Perche’ e’ cio’ che fanno gli americani, oggi, sono sempre disposti a scambiare un po’ della loro liberta’, in cambio della sensazione, dell’illusione, della sicurezza. Cosa abbiamo oggi e’ una popolazione completamente nevrotica… …ossessionata dalla sicurezza, dalla tranquillita’, dal crimine, dalle droghe, dalla pulizia, dall’igiene e dai germi. Ecco un’altra cosa: i germi. Da dove viene quest’improvvisa paura per i germi, in questo paese? L’avete notato? I media parlano costantemente di tutte le ultime infezioni: salmonella, E. coli, hantavirus, aviaria. E gli americani sono… vanno facilmente nel panico, quindi adesso corrono tutti strofinando questo e spruzzando quello, cuocendo troppo il loro cibo e lavandosi ripetutamente le mani, tentando di evitare ogni contatto con i germi. E’ ridicolo e porta a conclusioni ridicole. In prigione, prima di farti l’iniezione letale, ti strofinano il braccio con l’alcol! E’ vero! E’ vero! Be’… Be’, non vogliono che ti prenda un’infezione! E si capisce perche’: non vogliono che uno vada all’inferno e si ammali! Toglierebbe il senso di sportivita’ all’intera esecuzione. Paura dei germi, queste fottute donnicciole! Non puoi piu’ avere nemmeno un hamburger decente! Adesso lo carbonizzano perche’ tutti hanno paura dell’avvelenamento da cibo! Ehi, dov’e’ il vostro spirito di avventura? Prendete qualche cazzo di rischio, va bene? Sapete quante persone muoiono in questo paese di avvelenamento da cibo ogni anno? Novemila, tutto qui, e’ un rischio trascurabile! Prendete qualche cazzo di rischio, massa di dannate donnicciole! D’altronde, a che pensate che serva il vostro sistema immunitario? Serve a uccidere i germi! Ma ha bisogno di esercizio! Ha bisogno di germi su cui esercitarsi! Quindi… quindi, ascoltate… …ascoltate… …se uccidete tutti i germi intorno a voi e vivete una vita completamente sterile, quando i germi arriveranno non sarete preparati. E lasciate stare i germi ordinari: che farete quando arrivera’ un super-virus che trasformera’ i vostri organi vitali in merda liquida? Ve lo dico io, vi ammalerete, morirete e ve lo sarete meritato, perche’ siete fottutamente deboli e avete un sistema immunitario fottutamente debole! Ora, va bene… …bene. Lasciate che vi racconti una storia vera sull’immunizzazione, OK? Quando ero un ragazzino, a New York, negli anni ’40, nuotavamo nel fiume Hudson… …ed era pieno di scarichi fognari, OK? Nuotavamo negli scarichi fognari! Sapete, per rinfrescarci! E a quei tempi lo spauracchio era la poliomielite. Migliaia di bambini morivano di poliomielite ogni anno. Ma sapete una cosa? Nel mio quartiere nessuno ha mai preso la poliomielite! Nessuno. Mai. Sapete perche’? Perche’ nuotavamo negli scarichi fognari! Rafforzava i nostri sistemi immunitari. La poliomielite non aveva speranze, eravamo temprati nella merda! Quindi… …quindi personalmente non prendo alcuna precauzione particolare contro i germi. Non mi tengo lontano da quelli che starnutiscono e tossiscono, non pulisco la cornetta, non copro il sedile del cesso, e se mi cade del cibo a terra, lo raccolgo e lo mangio! Lo mangio! Si’, lo faccio! Anche se sono in un bar all’aperto. A Calcutta. Nei sobborghi. Il mattino del primo dell’anno, durante una rissa fra tifoserie. E sapete una cosa, nonostante tutti i cosiddetti comportamenti a rischio, Non prendo mai infezioni. Non le prendo. Non prendo raffreddori, non prendo influenze, non mi viene il mal di testa, non mi viene il mal di pancia, e sapete perche’? Perche’ ho bel sistema immunitario forte… …che fa un sacco di esercizio. Il mio sistema immunitario e’ equipaggiato con l’equivalente biologico… …di fucili d’assalto militari completamente automatici, con visore a infrarossi e mirino laser, e di recente abbiamo acquisito granate al fosforo… …bombe a grappolo e mine antiuomo a frammentazione. Quindi, quando i miei globuli bianchi sono di ronda, in ricognizione nel mio flusso sanguigno… in cerca di stranieri o altri ospiti indesiderati, se vedono qualunque, QUALUNQUE germe sospetto di qualunque tipo, non cazzeggiano! Tirano fuori le armi, stendono il figlio di puttana… …e depositano lo sfortunato direttamente nel mio colon! Nel mio colon, senza stupidaggini. Nessun diritto a restare in silenzio, niente sconti di pena per gli incensurati, al primo sgarro, bam! Giu’ nel colon! Si’. Si’, bene. Si’. Ehi! Va bene. A proposito del mio colon… Voglio che sappiate che non mi lavo automaticamente le mani ogni volta che vado in bagno, OK? Riuscite a sopportarlo? A volte lo faccio, a volte no. Sapete quando mi lavo le mani? Quando ci caco sopra! E’ l’unica volta! E’ l’unica… e sapete quanto spesso succede? Al massimo, al MASSIMO, due-tre volte a settimana, al massimo. Al massimo. Forse un po’ piu’ spesso durante le feste, sapete cosa intendo? E vi diro’ un’altra cosa, miei amici ben strigliati. Non serve che vi facciate una doccia al giorno, lo sapevate? E’ esagerato, a meno che non facciate ginnastica, o lavoriate all’aperto, o per qualche motivo siate a stretto contatto con enormi quantita’ di sporco e immondizia ogni giorno, non serve farsi sempre la doccia. Tutto quello che vi serve davvero e’ lavare le quattro zone chiave. Ascelle, buco del culo, pube e denti. Capito? Ascelle, buco del culo, pube e denti. In realta’, potete risparmiare un sacco di tempo… …semplicemente usando lo stesso spazzolino per tutte e quattro le zone! Grazie! Bene. Grazie. Lo apprezzo. Grazie. Bene… sentite… …ho ancora un po’ di articoli, di cose che mi fanno incazzare. E questa qui ve la pongo sotto forma di domanda: non ne abbiamo forse abbastanza di questa stronzata del fumare sigari in questo paese? Grazie. Bene. Quando finira’? Quando ci libereremo di questa stronzata? Quand’e’ che questi grassi, arroganti, superpagati, supernutriti, ultraprivilegiati, straviziati… …colletti bianchi, criminali d’affari, coglioni, succhiacazzi… …spegneranno i loro sigari e passeranno al loro abominio successivo? Uomini d’affari effemminati bianchi che succhiano un grosso cazzo marrone! Ecco cos’e’! Ecco cos’e’! Non e’ mai stato altro. Si’. Un grosso cazzo marrone! Sigmun Freud disse: “A volte un sigaro e’ solo un sigaro”. Ah si’? A volte e’ un grosso cazzo marrone! Con un grasso, arrogante uomo d’affari col colletto bianco, criminale, coglione… …che lo succhia dal lato umido. Ma ehi, ehi… non ci sono solo cattive notizie, per me. Non tutte cattive, sapete la parte positiva? Cancro alla bocca! Bene, cazzi loro! Mi rende felice, e’ una malattia attraente, sta bene con il telefono cellulare! Quindi sorridi, uomo in bretelle, succhia quel fumo fino in fondo al tuo abito vuoto… …e soffialo dal culo, fottuto succhiacazzi! Ora… Grazie, grazie. Ecco un’altra domanda su cui ho riflettuto: che sono queste stronzate sugli angeli? L’avete sentita? Si’! Tre persone su quattro oggi credono negli angeli. Ma che vi siete rincoglioniti?! Sono tutti fottutamente fuori di testa in questo paese? Angeli, merda! Sapete cosa penso che sia? Penso che sia un flashback chimico massiccio, collettivo, psicotico… …di tutte le droghe, tutte le droghe, fumate, ingoiate, sniffate, iniettate e assorbite per via rettale… …da tutti gli americani dal 1960 al 1990. Trent’anni di droghe di strada adulterate… …produrranno qualche fottuto angelo, amici miei! Angeli, merda! E che mi dite dei goblin, eh? Non potrebbero credere tutti nei goblin? Non si sente mai parlare di loro, tranne che ad Halloween, e sono sempre stronzate negative, anche, sapete? E gli zombi! Dove cazzo sono tutti gli zombi? Ecco il problema degli zombi: sono inaffidabili. Io dico, se ti bevi la stronzata degli angeli, puoi anche credere alla storia degli zombi. Ecco un altro orribile esempio… …ehm… aspetto della cultura americana: la… la fighettizzazione… la continua… …la continua fighettizzazione del maschio americano… …sotto forma… …si’. Va bene… …sotto forma di ristoranti tematici sulla Harley Davidson. Che cazzo sta succedendo qui? Una volta la Harley Davidson significava qualcosa. Era simbolo dello stile di vita da motociclista: sudici fuorilegge e le loro mamme sudate, pieni di birra e anfetamina, che giravano sulle loro Harley in cerca di divertimento, distruggendo immobili, stuprando ragazzine e ammazzando poliziotti. Tutte attivita’ molto necessarie, a proposito. Ma ora… ristoranti tematici! E questa merda delicata ovviamente non e’ venuta dai motociclisti duri e puri, e’ venuta da questi motociclisti del fine settimana, questi figli di puttana fraudolenti da due giorni a settimana… …che si fanno trasportare le moto a Sturgis, South Dakota, per il megaraduno… …e poi se ne vanno in giro come se fossero appena arrivati dalla strada. Dentisti e burocrati e progettisti software finocchi… …che montano su una Harley perche’ pensano che li renda fichi. Be’, mammolette, non siete fichi, siete freddi, cazzo. Ed essere freddi non e’ mai stato fico. E visto che parliamo di ristoranti tematici, ho una proposta per voi: io penso che se i bianchi vogliono bruciare le chiese nere, (Nota: catena di ristoranti tematici creata da Dan Aykroyd) i neri dovrebbero bruciare la House of Blues! Eh? Quel posto e’ una vergogna, cazzo! La casa del blues, dovevano chiamarla la casa degli sfigati figli di puttana bianchi! Inautentici, a bassa frequenza, a una cifra, sfigati figli di puttana. Specialmente questi divi del cinema che pensano di essere artisti del blues! Li avete mai visti? Non vi viene voglia di vomitare nella vostra zuppa… …quando uno di questi grassi, stempiati, sovrappeso, attempati, fuori forma, divi del cinema di mezza eta’ con gli occhiali da sole salta su un palco e comincia a suonare l’armonica? E’ un fottuto sacrilegio! Prima di tutto… prima di tutto… …non spetta assolutamente ai bianchi suonare il blues! Mai, in nessuna circostanza! Mai, mai, mai! (Nota: “blues” significa depressione) Per quale cazzo di motivo i bianchi dovrebbero essere depressi? Da Banana Republic sono finiti i bermuda? La macchinetta del caffe’ e’ inceppata? Gli Hootie & the Blowfish si stanno separando? Merda, i bianchi dovrebbero capire… …che il loro lavoro e’ di dare la depressione alle gente, non rubargliela. E sicuramente non cantarla o suonarla. Vi dico un segreto sul blues: non e’ sufficiente sapere quali note suonare, bisogna sapere perche’ e’ necessario suonarle. E un’altra cosa. Non penso… …non penso che i bianchi dovrebbero tentare di ballare come i neri. Smettetela! Tenetevi le vostre polke e i vostri valzer da froci! E quella merda ripugnante di ballo country in formazione che fate. Siate voi stessi, siate orgogliosi, siate bianchi, siate sfigati, e scendete da quella fottuta di pista da ballo! Ora… Vi ringrazio. Ora… ascoltate! Gia’ che stiamo parlando di minoranze… …vorrei dire qualcosa sulla lingua, ci sono un paio di termini che vengono usati molto, ultimamente… …da colpevoli liberali bianchi. Il primo e’: “capita che sia”. “Capita che sia nero”. “Ho un amico, e capita che sia nero”. Come se fosse un fottuto caso, sapete? Capita che sia nero? “Si’, capita che sia nero”. Ah, gia’, gia’… …aveva due genitori neri? “Oh, si’, li aveva, si'”. E hanno scopato? “Oh, effettivamente lo hanno fatto. Effettivamente si'” E dove sarebbe la parte sorpendente? Sarebbe stato piu’ insolito se gli fosse capitato di essere scandinavo. E l’altro termine e’ “apertamente”. “Apertamente gay”. Dicono: “E’ apertamente gay”. Ma questa e’ l’unica minoranza per cui lo usano. Sapete, non direste mai che uno e’ “apertamente nero”. Be’, forse James Brown. (Nota: controverso leader della setta islamica afroamericana Nation of Islam) O Louis Farrakhan. Louis Farrakhan e’ apertamente nero! Colin Powell non e’ apertamente nero. Colin Powell e’ apertamente bianco. Gli capita soltanto di essere nero. OK. Grazie, grazie! Si’… oh! Grazie… Grazie. E gia’ che ci siamo, quand’e’ che la parola “urbano” e’ diventata sinonimo di “nero”? Mi sono addormentato per otto o nove anni? Stile urbano, trend urbano, musica urbana. Non mi hanno consultato affatto sulla cosa, nemmeno un’email o un fax, nemmeno una cazzo di cartolina, va bene. Lasciamo stare. E penso che le donne bianche non dovrebbero chiamarsi l’un l’altra “amichette”, OK? Smettete di fingere di essere nere! E a prescindere dal vostro colore, l’espressione “Forza, ragazza” forse dovrebbe sparire! Assieme… Assieme a “Sei un grande”. “Ehi, sei un grande!” Ah si’? Be’, tu sei un fottuto latticino! Ora… …qualcosa di un po’ piu’ positivo per voi. Non voglio che pensiate che l’intero spettacolo sia solo negativita’. Adesso parliamo di un festival! Questa e’ la mia idea per uno di quei grandi festival estivi all’aperto. Questo si chiama “festival del lumacone”. E’ per soli uomini. Ecco che si fa: si prendono circa centomila di questi fottuti uomini. Sapete quali intendo, questi figli di puttana macho. Si’, questi pavoneggianti, agghindati, atteggioni, pelosi, sudaticci, maschi alfa: mezze seghe. Gli stronzi palestrati. Si prendono centomila di questi cazzoni disgustosi… …e li si butta in una grande arena, una grande arena di 10 ettari, e li lasci a pestarsi a sangue… …per 24 ore senza interruzioni, niente cibo, niente acqua, solo whisky e PCP! E li si lascia scazzottare, pestarsi e sfondarsi il culo a calci a vicenda… …e quando ne rimane in piedi solo uno… …lo si prende, lo si mette su un piedistallo e gli si spara in quella testa di cazzo! Si’! Si’… Poi si mette tutto in TV. La Budweiser vorra’ sponsorizzare questa merda in mezzo minuto. La gente si offrira’ volontaria, faranno la fila, tutto quello che si deve fare e’ promettergli qualche specie di piccolo apparecchio. Gli uomini farebbero qualunque cosa, dategli solo qualcosa che si attacca alla presa… …ed emette un ronzio. Ecco un altro cliche’ maschile: questi tizi che tagliano via le maniche delle loro t-shirt… …in modo che noialtri possiamo avere un’esperienza ancor piu’ avvincente… nell’annusare le loro ascelle! Io dico, ehi, Bruno, copri quella roba, vuoi? Puzzi come la fica di un’acciuga. OK? Non e’ bello. Non e’ bello, Bruno. E certamente non e’ da condividere! E’ lo stesso tipo di persona che ha il tatuaggio col filo spinato… …che gira intorno al bicipite. Li avete visti, vero? Proprio quello di cui ho bisogno! (Nota: il Bicentenario della Dichiarazione di Indipendenza, 4 luglio 1976) Un tizio che non scopa dal Bicentenario… …vuole che io pensi che lui e’ un maledetto figlio di puttana… …perche’ ha un DISEGNO, un dipinto di un po’ di filo spinato sul braccio. Io dico, ehi, Junior, torna quando avrai li’ la cosa vera… …e te la strizzero’ addosso ben bene, OK? Non scherzo… non scherzo. E’ lo stesso tipo di persona che se la colpisci in faccia… …otto o nove volte con un grosso pezzo di cemento… …e poi lo picchi sulla testa con una sbarra d’acciaio per un’ora e mezza… …sapete che fa? Cade a terra come un fottuto sasso! Come un sasso. Ecco un’altra cosa da maschi che fa schifo: queste t-shirt che dicono “Leader. Togliti di mezzo, seguace”. Le avete viste? Questa e’ un’altra di quelle cazzate stile Marines. Pulsioni maschili obsolete, di mille anni fa. “Leader. Togliti di mezzo, seguace”. Sapete cosa faccio quando vedo una di quelle magliette? Sbarro il passaggio! Mi metto proprio sulla strada del tipo, lo costringo a girarmi intorno, lo faccio avanzare un po’, lo faccio voltare, gli do un calcio nelle palle, gli strappo la maglietta, mi ci pulisco il culo e gliela ficco nella sua gola fottuta! Ecco cosa faccio… …quando vedo quella maglietta. Si’. Ehi! Ascoltate… …e’ tutto cio’ che cercano questi marines, un po’ di divertimento. E parlando di duri, sono un po’ stanco di sentir dire che dopo che sei poliziotti sono stati arrestati… …per aver infilato una piantana nel culo di qualche tizio nero… …e avergli lacerato l’intestino, il distretto di polizia annuncia che organizzera’ dei corsi di sensibilita’. Dico, ehi, se hai bisogno di un addestramento speciale… …perche’ ti insegnino a non ficcare un grosso oggetto ingombrante nel culo di qualcuno, forse sei troppo incasinato per essere nella polizia, in primo luogo, eh? Forse. O forse no. Forse no. Non lo so. Ascoltate… Si’. Esatto. Sapete che dovrebbero fare? Dovrebbero avere due nuovi requisiti per entrare nella polizia: l’intelligenza e la decenza! Non si sa mai, potrebbe funzionare. Sicuramente non ci hanno ancora provato. A nessuno dovrebbero mettere alcun oggetto nel culo… …che sia piu’ grosso di un pugno e meno affettuoso di un vibratore, OK? Ora… Il prossimo pezzo e’ sul nostro presidente. E’ sul nostro presidente. (Nota: sta per Bill Jefferson Clinton) Bill Jeff. Bill Jeff. Bill Jeff. Clinton. Non lo chiamo Clinton, lo chiamo Clittin’. (Nota: “Clit” significa clitoride) Clittin’. C-L-I-T! (Nota: “Clitting” significa sfregare il clitoride) T-I-N apostrofo! Fa tante scene per John Kennedy, vero? Ama Kennedy, vuole emulare Kennedy in ogni modo. Be’, l’amministrazione Kennedy era chiamata Camelot. (Nota: Come-a-lot = “Viene-un-sacco”) Be’, in realta’ avrebbero dovuto chiamarla Come-a-lot! Perche’ e’ quello che faceva: veniva un sacco! Quindi se Clinton cerca un’eredita’, dovrebbe chiamarla cosi’… (Nota: Come-a-little = “Viene-un-po'”) Be’, forse… Come-a-little sarebbe meglio per lui. Perche’ e’ venuto un po’. Un po’ sul vestito, un po’ sulla scrivania, non tantissimo. Ehi, non c’e’ partita… …non c’e’ partita con Kennedy per quanto riguarda la fica! Kennedy puntava in alto: Marilyn Monroe! Clinton ha mostrato il cazzo a un’impiegata governativa! C’e’ un abisso, qui. Un abisso. Grazie! Grazie! Ora… Lo apprezzo. Un’altra cosa di cui mi sto stancando… …sono tutte le stupide cazzate che dobbiamo ascoltare tutto il tempo sui bambini! Non si sente parlare d’altro in questo paese: i bambini! “Aiutiamo i bambini”, “Che mi dite dei bambini?”, “Salviamo i bambini”. Sapete che dico? Affanculo i bambini! Affanculo! Vengono dedicate loro davvero troppe attenzioni! So cosa state pensando: “Gesu’, non vorra’ mica attaccare i bambini, vero?” E invece si’! Attacchera’ i bambini! E ricordatevi che e’ il conduttore che parla! So di cosa parlo. So di cosa parlo. E… …so anche… …so anche che a voi papa’ single e mamme sportive… …che pensate di essere degli eroi del cazzo non piacera’, ma qualcuno deve dirvelo per il vostro bene: i vostri bambini sono sovrastimati e sopravvalutati, li avete trasformati in piccoli oggetti di culto, avete la mania dei bambini e non e’ sano! E non ditemi… …non ditemi quelle cretinate tipo: “Be’, io amo i miei bambini!” Andate affanculo! Tutti amano i propri bambini, non vi rende speciali. (Nota: serial killer, uccise 29 bambini e li seppelli’ sotto la sua abitazione; lavorava come clown per feste private) John Wayne Gacy amava i suoi bambini. Li teneva tutti nel cortile, vicino al garage. Non parlo di questo. Quello di cui parlo e’ questo costante, insensato blaterare nei media, questa nevrotica fissazione che in qualche modo tutto, TUTTO… …debba girare intorno ai bambini. E’ completamente sbilanciata. Ascoltate! Ci sono un paio di cose sui bambini che dovete ricordare. Prima di tutto: non sono tutti carini, OK? Anzi, se li guardi da vicino, alcuni di loro hanno un aspetto piuttosto sgradevole. E tanti non hanno nemmeno un buon odore! Quelli piccoli, in particolare, sembrano avere un certo miscuglio di urina e latte acido. Statemi a sentire, questa cosa prima la affrontate e meglio sara’ per voi. Seconda premessa: non tutti i bambini sono svegli e intelligenti. Capito? I bambini sono come ogni altro gruppo di persone: pochi vincitori, un sacco di perdenti! Ci sono un sacco di bambini perdenti al mondo che semplicemente non andranno da nessuna parte. E non potete salvarli tutti, non potete salvarli tutti, dovete lasciarli andare, dovete liberarli, smettere di essere iperprotettivi, perche’ li state rendendo troppo deboli! I bambini di oggi sono davvero troppo deboli. Per dirne una, c’e’ davvero troppa enfasi sulla sicurezza! Bottigliette di medicinali a prova di bambino, pigiami ignifughi, seggiolini per auto, e caschi! Caschi per bici, per skateboard, per il baseball! I bambini devono indossare caschi per qualunque cosa tranne farsi le seghe! Gli adulti hanno tolto tutto il divertimento dell’essere bambini… …solo per salvare poche migliaia di vite. E’ patetico! E’ patetico! Quello che sta succedendo e’… …va bene… quello che sta succedendo… …sapete cos’e’? Questi sessantottini, questi deboli e melensi sessantottini… …stanno crescendo un’intera generazione di bambini deboli e melensi… …a cui non e’ nemmeno concesso avere giocattoli pericolosi, Cristo santo! Giocattoli pericolosi, merda, che ne e’ della selezione naturale? La sopravvivenza dei piu’ adatti. Il bambino che ingoia troppe biglie non cresce fino ad avere figli a sua volta! Tutto qui! Semplice! La Natura! La Natura… …la Natura sa come si fa. Stiamo salvando davvero troppe vite in questo paese, di tutte le eta’. La Natura dovrebbe poter fare il suo lavoro… …di eliminare i deboli, i malaticci e gli ignoranti, senza l’interferenza degli airbag e dei caschi da baseball. Consideratela un’eugenetica passiva, OK? Ora, ecco un altro esempio di iperprotezione. Avete mai notato al telegiornale, ogni volta che un tizio con un AK-47… …entra in un cortile scolastico e uccide tre o quattro bambini e un paio di insegnanti, il giorno dopo, il giorno dopo la scuola e’ invasa… …da consulenti e psichiatri e terapisti del lutto e psicoterapeuti… …che tentano di aiutare i bambini ad andare avanti? Merda! Quando andavo a scuola, e uno veniva nella nostra scuola e uccideva tre o quattro di noi, passavamo direttamente all’aritmetica! 35 compagni di scuola meno 4… …uguale 31. Eravamo tosti! Eravamo tosti! Io dico che se i bambini possono sopportare la violenza a casa, dovrebbero saper sopportare la violenza a scuola. Non mi preoccupano le pistole a scuola, sapete cosa sto aspettando? Pistole in chiesa! Quello sara’ divertente, e succedera’, vedrete, qualche matto andra’ fuori di cervello in una chiesa… e diranno di lui che era un adoratore insoddisfatto. Ecco… …ecco un altro mucchio di stronzate da ignoranti: le uniformi scolastiche. Pessima teoria! L’idea che il fatto che i bambini indossino uniformi aiuti a mantenere l’ordine. Queste scuole non fanno abbastanza danni facendo pensare i bambini tutti allo stesso modo? Adesso vogliono renderli uguali anche nell’aspetto? E non e’ un’idea nuova, l’ho gia’ vista in un cinegiornale degli anni ’30, ma era difficile da capire perche’ la voce narrante parlava in tedesco! Bene. Grazie. Grazie. Un’altra cosa sui bambini, ed e’ l’assurdita’ superstiziosa… …che incolpa le multinazionali del tabacco per i bambini che fumano. Sentite: i bambini non fumano perche’ glielo dice un cammello con gli occhiali da sole! Fumano per lo stesso motivo degli adulti: perche’ allevia l’ansia e la depressione! E sareste anche voi ansiosi e depressi se doveste sopportare questi patetici, insicuri, ambiziosi, anali genitori yuppie… …che ti iscrivono all’universita’ prima che tu sia grande abbastanza da capire quale lato del box puzza di piu’! E poi ti imbottiscono di Ritalin e ti trascinano per tutta la citta’ in cerca di insensate attivita’ strutturate: lega minorile di baseball, boy scout, nuoto, calcio, karate, pianoforte, cornamusa, acquerelli, stregoneria, soffiatura del vetro e pratica con i vibratori! Hanno anche… …hanno anche appuntamenti per il gioco, Cristo santo! Adesso si gioca su appuntamento! Che ne e’ stato di: “Io ti faccio vedere il mio pisellino e tu mi fai vedere il tuo”? Ehi, ci credo che i bambini fumano: aiuta! Non quanto l’erba, ma ehi… Non si puo’ avere tutto. Sapete la verita’? I genitori stanno facendo esaurire i bambini con le attivita’ strutturate. Io penso che ogni giorno… …tutti i bambini dovrebbero avere tre ore per sognare a occhi aperti. Solo sognare a occhi aperti. E ne avreste bisogno un po’ anche voi, a proposito. Sedetevi davanti alla finestra, guardate le nuvole, vi fara’ bene. Volete sapere come potete aiutare i vostri bambini? Lasciateli in pace, cazzo! Molto bene. Grazie mille a tutti, grazie. OK… Bene, ora un piccolo cambiamento di andatura, un piccolo cambio di intensita’. Voglio che sappiate cosa c’e’ in TV stasera sugli altri canali, mi piace sempre che la gente sappia cosa si perde ascoltando le mie stronzate. Prima di tutto, su Playboy Channel… …su Playboy Channel, si’… …stasera c’e’ uno di quei nuovi reality in cui la gente da casa manda i propri filmati. Si chiama “Video casalinghi di brutte scopate”. E parlando di quell’attivita’ deliziosa, penso che sappiate che la settimana scorsa Ricki Lake ha fatto uno speciale: “Donne che fingono l’orgasmo”, quindi stasera, per non essere da meno, Jerry Springer fa uno speciale notturno: “Uomini che fingono di andare di corpo”. Si’, anch’io penso che siano a corto di argomenti in quegli spettacoli. Il prossimo spettacolo di Sally Jessy e’ “Stupratori che prima costringono le loro vittime a giocare a Yathzee”. Il che e’ un po’ strano in fascia protetta. Poi, a seguire, stanotte, sul canale Nostalgia, trasmetteranno uno dopo l’altro due dei miei episodi preferiti della “Casa nella prateria”. Prima di tutto, l’episodio natalizio del 1975: “Un irrigatore vaginale per Clara”. Non era bello? Oh! Ed era triste, verso la fine, dove lei piangeva perche’ l’aveva infilato nel buco sbagliato. Ma come dicono nella Marina degli Stati Uniti: nessun buco e’ sbagliato! E poi, subito dopo, trasmetteranno il mio episodio preferito in assoluto della Casa nella prateria: “Missy fa un cacatone nei boschi”. Ed era interessante, secondo me, perche’ lei aveva i tacchi alti e un vestito lungo, ed era divertente vederla destreggiarsi fra l’edera velenosa. Inoltre non avevano carta igienica a quei tempi, dovette usare una serie di pigne! E poi, le spingeva nella direzione sbagliata! Si’. Mi risulta che verso la fine della puntata hanno dovuto censurare un sacco di urla e di linguaggio osceno. E poi ehi, ehi! A seguire, in pay-per-view, in pay-per-view, Willie Nelson, trasmettono il concerto di Willie Nelson, e sulla guida TV sono elencate tutte le canzoni che cantera’. Iniziera’ con una delle mie preferite: “Troppo ubriaco per farmi una sega”! Non e’ bella? Dio, quanto adoro quella canzone! Poi cantera’ una serie di canzoni d’amore: “Baciami, sto venendo”. Oh, che bella: “Baciami, sto venendo, stringimi, sto mugolando, mmmmm…” Che ci posso fare, sono un romantico e mi piacciono le canzoni sentimentali. Ecco una canzone triste: “Avrei dovuto scopare la vecchia Come-si-chiama”. Ve la ricordate? “Non avrei mai dovuto stare al gioco, avrei dovuto scopare la vecchia Come-si-chiama”. Ecco una che mia madre era solita canticchiare in casa: “Il tuo amore e’ colato giu’ per la mia gamba e ora sei sparito”. Si’, si’. Quella mi ha sempre commosso. Sono lieto che proviate le stesse sensazioni. Ecco un’altra bella canzone d’amore: “Mi hai fatto andare fuori di testa, ora fammi venire!” Cantera’ anche… Cantera’ anche una canzone di Stevie Wonder: (Nota: parodia di “I just called to say I love you”) “Ho chiamato solo per dire che sono risultato positivo al test HIV”. Si’, be’, non vorrete mica omettere qualcuno, capite cosa intendo? Ed ehi, ed ehi, cosa sarebbe uno spettacolo di Willie Nelson senza un paio di canzoni da cowboy, cantera’ quella scritta da George Jones e Waylon Jennings: “Bere birra, fare una cacata e svenire”. Poi cantera’ una specie di canzone tradizionale western, una che cantava Gene Autry quando ero un ragazzino: “E’ mezzanotte in Montana e non riesco a sfilare il cazzo da questa mucca”! Ah, quella e’ bella. Adoro quella canzone. Mi e’ sempre piaciuta. Si’. Sapete perche’ mi piace tanto quella canzone? Perche’ e’ una vera canzone da cowboy! A proposito, parlando di scoparsi il bestiame… …sapete perche’ quando un pastore si scopa una pecora lo fa sempre sull’orlo di un dirupo? Perche’ cosi’ la pecora spinge all’indietro! Una piccola informazione per voi. Si’. Un piccolo suggerimento per voi amanti degli spazi aperti, per quando campeggerete. Ora, il prossimo pezzo e’ sui nomi. Tutto qui: nomi. I nomi sono fra i miei interessi. Non un hobby, gli hobby costano. Gli interessi sono gratis. Questo e’ sui nomi. Avete mai notato i nomi che danno ai bar per single? I bar per single hanno tutti lo stesso tipo di nomi smielati composti da una sola parola al plurale. Bricconcelli, Vagabondi, Chiacchiere, Pettegolezzi, Combutte, Brindisi, Occasioni, Socializzazioni, Rischi, Mosse, Nozioni… Ehi, se avessi un bar per single, sapete come lo chiamerei? Capezzoli & Cazzi! Un po’ di verita’ nella pubblicita’! Il Club dello sperma! Ficorama! La Cazzetteria! La Scoperia di Frankie! Cafe’ Vagina! Aperto tutta la notte! Be’, sono uno all’antica. Sono all’antica perche’ penso che il nome all’esterno di un locale… …dovrebbe farti capire cosa succede all’interno. Ecco quale sarebbe un buon nome per un ristorante gay: Il Boccone! Andiamo, e’ roba intelligente, e’ un doppio gioco di parole, maledizione, non ci avete pensato! D’altronde, non dovete mangiarci se non volete. (Nota: “cock” significa cazzo) No, entrate e prendete solo un cocktail! O un Highball. (Nota: catena di ristoranti americana, il nome sta per “Thank God It’s Friday”, “Grazie al Cielo E’ Venerdi'”) Ecco un altro nome che non mi piace: TGI Friday’s. Sapete, questi posti fighettini? TGI Friday’s! Tutta questa storia di TGIF e’ stata simpatica per circa un’ora. Circa un’ora, ed e’ stato 65 anni fa, quando qualcuno lo ha detto per la prima volta alla radio. Non e’ piu’ simpatico, e’ ora di iniziare a bombardare questi siti. TGI Friday’s… Se avessi un posto del genere, sapete come lo chiamerei? SMESM! Santa Merda, E’ Solo Mercoledi’! Penso che la gente berrebbe molto piu’ liquore… …se pensasse che e’ sempre mercoledi’. Be’, cerco solo un po’ di onesta’ in questi nomi. Un po’ di onesta’, non e’ chiedere molto. So pensando di aprire un motel e di chiamarlo “Dormi & fotti”. Non sarebbe un bel nome onesto per un motel? Chi ha bisogno di queste cazzate sui “Pini ombrosi”? Il motel “Dormi & fotti”! Prendero’ una di quelle grosse insegne al neon: “Dormi”, “Fotti”. “Dormi”, “Fotti”. “Dormi & fotti”! “Dormi & fotti”! “Dormi & fotti”! “Dormi”, “Fotti”. “Dormi”, “Fotti”. Bene… “Dormi & fotti”! “Dormi & fotti”! Lo metterei proprio all’ingresso dell’Holland Tunnel dal lato del New Jersey, sapete? Be’, in realta’ “Dormi fottutamente” sarebbe un po’ piu’ accurato, vero? Il miglior nome per un motel sarebbe “Fotti e fuma e dormi e girati e alzati dal letto e lavati l’inguine… (Nota: Mr. Pibb e’ una bibita, ora nota come Pibb Xtra) …ed esci e compra due lattine di Mr. Pibb e torna a casa e scopa molto di piu'”. Molto di piu’. Perche’ e’ tutto quello che resta in quei distributori di bibite la domenica notte! (Nota: Shasta e’ una marca di bibite molto economiche; una bottiglia da 3 litri costa solo 99 centesimi!) Mr. Pibb e Diet Shasta all’arancia! E quella lattina gialla di acqua tonica Canada Dry che NESSUNO VUOLE! E parlando di dare nomi alle cose, sono l’unico in questo paese che ride… …quando trasmetto in TV queste pubblicita’ dei tagliaerba Snapper? Non c’e’ nessun altro in questa repubblica sbiadita che sappia cosa significa “snapper”? “Snapper” significa fica, OK? E’ quello che significa, “snapper” vuol dire fica. Deriva da un termine piu’ antico e piu’ specifico: fica a scatto! Che descrive un tipo particolare di fica, una con rapido controllo muscolare, una sorta di elasticita’ nelle pareti vaginali, che puo’ stringerti in una morsa e darti una scopata niente male, sapete di che parlo. Una fica a scatto! Ma ora, ora “snapper” sta per ogni tipo di fica… …e hanno chiamato cosi’ una ditta di tagliaerbe! Ora, ho visto un po’ di fiche ai miei tempi, non ne ho mai vista una che tagliasse il prato! No, no. Forse tagliare un po’ la siepe… …tagliare un po’ la siepe lungo il vialetto dopo una festa, e’ il massimo che puoi sperare. Sapete, avrei capito se l’avessero chiamata “Strafatta di erba”. Ora… tanti di questi nomi di aziende, e nomi di prodotti, sono influenzati dagli addetti al marketing e alla pubblicita’, e il prossimo pezzo e’ sulla pubblicita’. E a proposito, se doveste avere qualche dissonanza cognitiva… (Nota: 10-10-220 e’ un servizio telefonico americano per fare chiamate internazionali) …circa il fatto che io faccia pubblicita’ per il 10-10-220 e comunque attacchi la pubblicita’ dal palco… Be’… dovrete tentare di capirci qualcosa per cazzi vostri, ok? Ora… Questa si chiama “La ninna-nanna della pubblicita'”, tenendo a mente che naturalmente l’unico obiettivo della pubblicita’… …e’ di farvi addormentare. Qualita’, valore, stile, servizio, selezione, convenienza, economia, risparmio, performance, esperienza, ospitalita’, tariffe basse, servizio amichevole, grandi marchi, facilitazioni, prezzi accessibili, rimborso garantito, installazione gratuita. Ingresso gratuito, valutazione gratuita, modifiche gratuite, consegna gratuita, preventivo gratuito, campione gratuito e parcheggio gratuito. Niente contanti? Nessun problema. Nessuno scherzo! Niente storie, niente scompiglio, niente rischi, niente obblighi, niente burocrazia, niente anticipo, niente quota d’iscrizione, niente costi nascosti, niente obblighi di acquisto, nessuno vi fara’ visita, niente pagamenti o interessi fino a settembre. Ma… Solo per un tempo limitato, pero’! Quindi agisci adesso, ordina oggi, non mandare contanti, offerta valida fino a esaurimento scorte, massimo due per cliente, ogni prodotto e’ venduto separatamente, batterie non incluse, il consumo per Km potrebbe variare, gli articoli venduti non sono rimborsabili, calcolate sei settimane per la consegna, alcuni articoli non sono disponibili, assemblaggio a cura del cliente, potrebbero essere applicate delle limitazioni. Quindi entrate… …entrate… entrate per una dimostrazione gratuita… …e un consulto gratuito con il nostro staff amichevole e professionale. I nostri rappresentanti esperti e informati ti aiuteranno a fare una scelta… …che calzi a pennello a te e al tuo budget. E mi raccomando, non dimenticare di prendere il tuo omaggio! Un regalo classico, deluxe, personalizzato, griffato, lussuoso, prestigioso, di alta qualita’, di prima scelta, da buongustai: un temperamatite tascabile. Basta chiederlo, nessun acquisto necessario, e’ il nostro modo di dire grazie. E, se agisci ora, includeremo… …un bonus omaggio extra aggiuntivo: un regalo classico, deluxe, personalizzato, griffato, lussuoso, prestigioso, di alta qualita’, di prima scelta, da buongustai: un portachiavi con lente d’ingrandimento e tubo da giardino… …in una custodia in genuina imitazione di similpelle con autentiche finiture in vinile. Basta chiederlo, nessun acquisto necessario, e’ il nostro modo di dire grazie. In realta’, e’ il nostro modo di dire… …inchinati un altro po’… …in modo che possiamo infilarti questo grosso cazzo pubblicitario nel culo un po’ piu’ in fondo! Un po’ piu’ in fondo! Un po’ piu’ in fondo! Miserabile… …buono a nulla, fottuto consumatore coglione! Perche’ voi sapete, gente, vivendo in questo paese non potete non saperlo, che ogni volta che siete esposti alla pubblicita’, capite ancora una volta che il settore trainante americano, l’affare americano piu’ redditizio… …e’ ancora la manifattura, l’impacchettamento, la distribuzione e la commercializzazione delle cazzate. Di alta qualita’, di classe A, di primo taglio. Pure cazzate americane. E la cosa triste e’… …e’ che la maggior parte delle persone sembra essere stata indottrinata per credere che… …le cazzate vengono solo da certi posti, certe fonti. Pubblicita’, politica, commercianti. Non e’ vero: le cazzate sono ovunque! Le cazzate dilagano! I genitori sparano cazzate, gli insegnanti sparano cazzate, gli ecclesiastici sparano cazzate e i tutori della legge sparano cazzate. Tutto il paese… Tutto il paese e’ pieno di stronzate… …e lo e’ sempre stato, dalla Dichiarazione di Indipendenza, alla Costituzione, alla bandiera a stelle e strisce… …e’ ancora nient’altro che un grosso cumulo fumante… …di stronzate tutte americane, rosse, bianche e blu. Perche’… Pensate a come abbiamo iniziato. Pensateci! Questo paese e’ stato fondato da un gruppo di proprietari di schiavi… …che ci hanno detto che tutti gli uomini sono creati uguali. Oh, si’. Tutti gli uomini. Tranne gli indiani, i negri e le donne, giusto? Mi piace sempre usare quell’autentico linguaggio americano! Questo era un piccolo gruppo di proprietari terrieri maschi bianchi non eletti… …che hanno anche insinuato che solo alla loro categoria fosse concesso di votare. Ora, questo si chiama essere sbalorditivamente e imbarazzantemente cazzari. E io penso… …penso che gli americani mostrino davvero la loro ignoranza… …quando dicono che vogliono che i loro politici siano onesti. Ma di che cazzo parlano questi imbecilli? Se l’onesta’ venisse improvvisamente introdotta nella vita americana… …l’intero sistema collasserebbe! Nessuno saprebbe che fare! L’onesta’ mandarebbe il paese a puttane! E penso che nel profondo gli americani lo sappiano, ecco perche’ hanno eletto e rieletto Bill Clinton! Esatto! Perche’… Perche’ agli americani piace avere le proprie stronzate dritto davanti… …dove possono riceverne una bella e poderosa zaffata. Clinton sara’ pure un cazzaro, ma almeno te lo dice apertamente! Dole tentava di nasconderlo, vero? Dole ripeteva: “Sono un uomo schietto e onesto”. Cazzate! La gente non ci credeva. Cosa disse Clinton? Disse: “Salve, gente, sono un cazzaro totale, e allora?” E la gente disse: “Sai una cosa? Almeno lui e’ onesto! Almeno e’ onesto circa il fatto di essere un cazzaro totale”. E’ come il mondo degli affari. La stessa cosa. Tutti ormai sanno che tutti gli uomini d’affari sono dei cazzari totali. Proprio la peggior specie di vermi succhiacazzi criminali in cui potreste imbattervi. Un fottuto uomo d’affari pezzo di merda! E la prova, la prova e’ che non si fidano nemmeno l’uno dell’altro! Non si fidano fra di loro! Quando un uomo d’affari si siede per negoziare un accordo… …la prima cosa che fa e’ presumere automaticamente che l’altro sia una testa di cazzo, un bugiardo totale… …che sta tentando di fottergli dei soldi! Cosi’ lui deve fare tutto cio’ che puo’ per fottere l’altro un po’ piu’ rapidamente e un po’ piu’ duramente. E deve farlo con un grande sorriso! Sapete, quel sorriso da cazzate degli uomini d’affari? E se sei un cliente, woah! Allora ti fanno il sorriso enorme! Il cliente riceve sempre il sorriso enorme! Mentre l’uomo d’affari si posiziona attentamente… …direttamente dietro il cliente e apre la lampo… …e procede ad assistere l’utente. Sto assistendo questo utente. Questo cliente ha bisogno di assistenza. Ora sapete cosa intendono. Ora sapete cosa intendono quando dicono: “Siamo specializzati nei servizi al cliente”! Chiunque abbia coniato la frase “Stia in guardia il compratore”… …stava probabilmente sanguinando dal buco del culo! Davvero. Davvero. Ma nel reparto cazzate, nel reparto cazzate… …un uomo d’affari non e’ niente in confronto a un prete. Perche’ vi devo dire la verita’, gente, vi devo dire la verita’: quando si parla di stronzate, enormi stronzate di serie A, dovete restare ammirati, ammirati, di fronte al campione storico delle false promesse e delle pretese esagerate: la religione! Non c’e’ gara. Non c’e’ gara. La religione… …la religione detiene il record per la piu’ grande cazzata mai raccontata. Pensateci: la religione ha per davvero CONVINTO la gente… che c’e’ un uomo invisibile… …che vive in cielo… …che guarda tutto quello che fai, ogni minuto di ogni giorno! E l’uomo invisibile ha una lista speciale di dieci cose che non vuole che tu faccia. E se fai una qualunque di queste dieci cose, lui ha un posto speciale, pieno di fuoco e fumo e fiamme e torture e angoscia, dove farti vivere e soffrire e bruciare e soffocare e urlare e piangere… …per tutti i secoli dei secoli fino alla fine del tempo! Pero’ ti ama… …ti ama… …ti ama, e ha bisogno di SOLDI! Ha sempre bisogno di soldi! E’ onnipotente, perfetto, onnisciente e immensamente saggio, ma per qualche motivo… non ci sa fare coi soldi! La religione incassa miliardi di dollari, quelli non pagano tasse, e hanno sempre bisogno di un po’ di piu’. Ora, ditemi se non e’ una gran bella stronzata. Santa merda! Grazie! Grazie. Ma… Grazie, grazie, grazie! Grazie mille! Ma voglio che sappiate… Voglio che voi sappiate una cosa, sono sincero, voglio che sappiate: quando si tratta di credere in Dio, ci ho davvero provato, ci ho davvero, davvero provato. Ho provato a credere che c’e’ un Dio, che ha creato ognuno di noi a sua immagine e somiglianza, che ci ama davvero tanto e che tiene d’occhio le cose. Ho provato davvero a crederci, ma vi devo dire: piu’ a lungo vivi, piu’ ti guardi intorno, piu’ capisci che qualcosa e’ andato a puttane. C’e’ qualcosa di sbagliato, qui. Guerra, malattia, morte, distruzione, fame, inquinamento, (Nota: le Ice Capades erano spettacoli itineranti su ghiaccio) poverta’, tortura, crimine, corruzione e le Ice Capades! C’e’ davvero qualcosa che non va. Questo non e’ un buon lavoro. Se questo e’ il meglio che Dio sa fare, non mi entusiasma. Risultati come questi non appartengono al curriculum di un Essere Supremo. Questo e’ il tipo di merda che ti aspetti da un impiegato precario con un brutto carattere! E detto fra noi… …detto fra noi, in qualunque universo decente, questo tizio sarebbe stato gia’ cacciato a calci nel suo onnipotente culo tanto tempo fa. A proposito, io dico “questo tizio” perche’ credo fermamente, a giudicare dai risultati, che se c’e’ un Dio, deve essere un uomo. Nessuna donna avrebbe mai potuto o voluto incasinare le cose cosi’! Quindi… …quindi… …se, se… …se c’e’ un Dio, se c’e’, penso che le persone piu’ ragionevoli potrebbero convenire… …che e’ come minimo incompetente… …e forse, dico forse, non gliene frega un cazzo. Non gliene frega un cazzo! Cosa che ammiro in una persona, e che spiegherebbe un sacco di questi pessimi risultati. Cosi’, piuttosto che essere solo un altro robot religioso senza cervello, che crede irragionevolmente e inutilmente e ciecamente che tutto questo e’ nelle mani… …di qualche spaventosa e incompetente figura paterna a cui non frega un cazzo, ho deciso di cercare in giro qualcos’altro da adorare. Qualcosa su cui possa veramente contare. E immediatamente, ho pensato al sole! E’ successo cosi’. Nell’arco di una notte, sono diventato un adoratore del sole. Be’, non nel giro di una notte, non si vede il sole di notte. Ma come prima cosa il mattino dopo, sono diventato un adoratore del sole. Per vari motivi. Prima di tutto, il sole lo vedo, OK? A differenza di altri dei che potrei nominare, posso effettivamente vedere il sole. Sono consapevole di questo: se posso vedere qualcosa, non so, in qualche modo ne aiuta la credibilita’, sapete? Quindi ogni giorno vedo il sole darmi tutto cio’ di cui ho bisogno: calore, luce, cibo, fiori nel parco, riflessi su un lago, un occasionale cancro alla pelle, ma ehi! Almeno non ci sono crocifissioni, e non diamo fuoco alla gente solo perche’ non e’ d’accordo con noi. L’adorazione del sole e’ abbastanza semplice: non ci sono misteri, ne’ miracoli, ne’ sfarzo, nessuno chiede denaro, non ci sono canzoni da imparare, e non abbiamo un edificio speciale dove ci raduniamo tutti una volta a settimana per confrontare i vestiti. E la cosa migliore… …la cosa migliore del sole: non mi dice mai che non sono degno! Non mi dice che sono una persona cattiva che ha bisogno di essere salvata, non mi ha mai detto una parola scortese. Mi tratta bene. Cosi’, adoro il sole. Ma… …non prego il sole. Sapete perche’? Non vorrei approfittare della nostra amicizia. Non e’ educato. Ho spesso pensato che la gente tratti Dio abbastanza maleducatamente, e voi? Rivolgendogli triliardi e triliardi di preghiere ogni giorno, chiedendo e supplicando e implorando favori: fai questo, dammi quello, ho bisogno di una nuova auto, voglio un lavoro migliore. E la maggior parte di queste preghiere ha luogo di domenica. Il suo giorno libero. Non e’ carino. E non e’ modo di trattare un amico. Ma la gente prega, e lo fa per un sacco di cose, tipo: tua sorella ha bisogno di un’operazione all’inguine, tuo… tuo fratello e’ stato arrestato per aver defecato in un centro commerciale. Ma soprattutto, vorresti tanto scoparti quella fichetta rossa del supermercato! Sai, quella con la benda all’occhio e il piede equino? Eh? Si puo’ pregare per quello? Penso che voi dovreste! E io dico, bene, pregate per tutto quello che volete, pregate per qualunque cosa, ma… …che mi dite del Progetto Divino? Ve lo ricordate? Il Progetto Divino! Tanto tempo fa, Dio fece un Progetto Divino. Ci penso’ su a lungo, decise che era un buon progetto e lo mise in pratica. E per miliardi e miliardi di anni, il Progetto Divino e’ andato bene. Adesso arrivate voi, e pregate per qualcosa. Be’, e se quello che volete non fosse nel Progetto Divino? Cosa volete che faccia? Cambiare il suo progetto? Solo per voi? Non vi sembra un po’ arrogante? E’ un Progetto Divino! A che serve essere Dio… …se ogni idiota esaurito con un libro di preghiere da due dollari puo’ farsi avanti e incasinare il tuo Progetto? E c’e’ qualcos’altro, un altro problema che potreste avere: supponiamo che le vostre preghiere non vengano esaudite. Cosa dite? “Be’, e’ la volonta’ di Dio. Sia fatta la tua volonta'”. Bene, ma se e’ la volonta’ di Dio, e fara’ quello che vuole comunque, perche’ cazzo preoccuparsi di pregare, in primo luogo? Mi sembra una grande perdita di tempo! Non potreste saltare la parte della preghiera e andare direttamente alla Sua volonta’? E’ tutto molto complicato. Cosi’, per aggirare tutto questo, ho deciso di adorare il sole, ma, come ho detto, non prego il sole. Sapete chi prego? Joe Pesci! Joe Pesci! Joe Pesci! Due motivi: primo, penso che sia un buon attore, OK? Per me, questo conta. Secondo, sembra uno che sa come ottenere le cose. Joe Pesci non cazzeggia! Non cazzeggia! Infatti… Infatti, Joe Pesci se l’e’ cavata con un paio di cose con cui Dio stava avendo problemi! Per anni ho chiesto a Dio di fare qualcosa per il mio vicino rumoroso col cane che abbaia: Joe Pesci ha messo a posto quel succhiacazzi con una sola visita! E’ sorprendente quello che si puo’ fare con una semplice mazza da baseball! Cosi’ adesso e’ circa un anno che prego Joe, e ho notato una cosa: ho notato che tutte le preghiere che rivolgevo a Dio… …e tutte le preghiere che ora rivolgo a Joe Pesci… …vengono esaudite piu’ o meno alla stessa percentuale del 50%. Meta’ delle volte ottengo cio’ che voglio, meta’ no. Lo stesso che con Dio, 50 e 50. Lo stesso che con il quadrifoglio e il ferro di cavallo, il pozzo dei desideri… …e la zampa di lepre, lo stesso che con le bamboline voodoo, lo stesso che con la fattucchiera che ti predice il futuro strizzando i testicoli del caprone. E’ tutto uguale: 50 e 50. Percio’ scegliete la vostra superstizione, rilassatevi, esprimete un desiderio e divertitevi. E per quelli di voi cercano nella Bibbia lezioni morali e qualita’ letterarie, potrei suggerirvi un paio di altre storie: potreste voler prendere in considerazione “I tre porcellini”, quella e’ bella. Ha un bel lieto fine, sono sicuro che vi piacera’. Poi c’e’ Cappuccetto Rosso, anche se ha una parte vietata ai minori… …in cui il lupo cattivo si mangia la nonna. Che non mi e’ mai piaciuta, a proposito. E infine, ho spesso… sempre ricavato molto conforto morale da Humpty Dumpty. La parte che mi piace di piu’: “Tutti i cavalli del re e tutti gli uomini del re… …non riuscirono a rimettere insieme Humpty Dumpty”. Questo perche’ non esiste nessun Humpty Dumpty, e non c’e’ nessun Dio. Nessuno, nemmeno uno, nessun Dio, non c’e’ mai stato. Infatti, la mettero’ cosi’: se c’e’ un Dio, se c’e’ un Dio, che possa fulminare a morte questo pubblico! Vedete? Non e’ successo niente! Non e’ successo niente? State tutti bene? Bene, sapete che vi dico? Sapete che vi dico? Alzero’ la posta! Alzero’ un po’ la posta: se c’e’ un Dio, che possa fulminarmi a morte! Visto? Non e’ successo niente, non… …un attimo, un piccolo crampo alla gamba… …e mi fanno male le palle… …inoltre, sono cieco, sono cie… Oh! Adesso sto bene di nuovo! Dev’essere stato Joe Pesci, eh? Dio benedica Joe Pesci! Grazie mille a tutti, che Joe vi benedica, grazie mille! Lo apprezzo! Addio! Buon divertimento. Bene, grazie mille! Statemi bene! Statemi bene! Grazie!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

GEORGE CARLIN: JAMMING IN NEW YORK (1992) – Testo italiano completo

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-jamming-new-york-testo-italiano-completo/

Ciao, grazie. Grazie. Grazie. Grazie molte. Grazie. Grazie a tutti. Grazie a tutti. Grazie e un saluto a New York. Ciao New York e grazie. Si’. Ok. E’ passato un po’ di tempo dall’ultima volta che sono stato qui… …e nel frattempo sono successe un paio di cose. Volevo parlare un po’ della guerra nel Golfo Persico. Grandi attività nel Golfo Persico. Sapete qual e’ la mia parte preferita di questa guerra? E’ la prima guerra che abbiamo mai fatto ad andare in onda su tutti i canali e anche via cavo. E la guerra ha fatto anche buoni ascolti, non e’ vero? Ha fatto buoni ascolti. Beh, ci piace la guerra! Ci piace la guerra. Siamo gente che ama la guerra. Ci piace la guerra perche’ siamo bravi a farla. E sapete perche’ siamo bravi a farla? Perche’ facciamo molto allenamento. Questo paese ha solo 200 anni e abbiamo gia’ combattuto 10 guerre importanti. Questo paese combatte mediamente una guerra importante ogni 20 anni. Percio’ siamo bravi. Ed e’ una buona cosa. Non siamo piu’ bravi in nient’altro. Non sappiamo fabbricare un’auto decente. Non sappiamo costruire un televisore o un videoregistratore che valga un cazzo. Non abbiamo piu’ un’industria dell’acciaio. Non sappiamo educare i giovani. Non sappiamo prenderci cura della salute degli anziani. Pero’ sappiamo bombardare il culo al tuo paese come si deve! Sappiamo bombardare il culo al tuo paese come si deve! Specialmente se il tuo paese e’ pieno di gente con la pelle scura. Oh, ci piace, non e’ vero? E’ il nostro hobby! E’ la nostra nuova missione nel mondo. Bombardare la gente con la pelle scura. Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libia. Se ci sono persone scure nel vostro paese, dite loro di stare attenti, cazzo… …o li bombarderemo, dannazione! Beh, chi e’ stato l’ultimo popolo bianco che voi ricordiate che abbiamo bombardato? Riuscite a ricordare l’ultimo popolo… Riuscite a ricordare almeno un popolo bianco… che abbiamo bombardato? I tedeschi, quelli sono gli unici e la sola ragione e’ perche’ stavano cercando di ostacolare i nostri piani. Volevano dominare il mondo. Stronzate! E’ il nostro lavoro, cazzo! E’ il nostro lavoro, cazzo! Ora, bombardiamo solo gente con la pelle scura. Non perche’ cercano di ostacolare i nostri piani, ma solo perche’ sono scuri. Ora, avete forse notato che su questa guerra non la penso come ci hanno detto che dovremmo, nel modo in cui ci e’ stato ordinato e comandato di pensarla dal governo degli Stati Uniti. Vedete, lasciatemi dire… …la mia testa non funziona cosi’. C’e’ una cosa veramente idiota che faccio. Si chiama pensare. E non sono un buon americano perche’ mi piace farmi la mia opinione da solo. Non rotolo quando me lo dicono. Triste a dirsi, la maggior parte degli americani si rotola… …a comando. Non io. Io vivo secondo certe regole. La mia prima regola: non credo a nulla di quello che mi dice il governo. Nulla. Zero. E non prendo molto sul serio i media e la stampa di questo paese che nel caso della guerra del Golfo non sono stati che impiegati non pagati del Ministero della Difesa, e che il piu’ delle volte, il piu’ delle volte, fungono da agenzia non ufficiale di pubbliche relazioni del governo degli Stati Uniti. Percio’ non li sto ad ascoltare. Non credo al mio paese. E devo dirvelo, gente, non mi viene il nodo alla gola per nastri gialli e bandiere americane. I nastri gialli, durante la prima guerra del golfo, erano il simbolo del sostegno alle truppe. Li considero… li considero in quanto simboli. E i simboli li lascio ai sempliciotti. Io la guerra la vedo un po’ diversamente. Per me la guerra non e’ altro che un grande agitare il cazzo. Ok? Semplice, altro non e’. La guerra e’ una massa di uomini in piedi in un campo che si agitano il cazzo in faccia a vicenda. Gli uomini provano insicurezza per le dimensioni del proprio cazzo e quindi devono uccidersi a vicenda per superarla. E’ questa l’origine di tutte quelle stronzate da sportivi. E’ l’origine di tutto questo atteggiarsi e pavoneggiarsi come macho adolescenti nei bar e negli spogliatoi. Si chiama paura del cazzo. Gli uomini sono terrorizzati dal fatto che i loro cazzi siano inadeguati e quindi devono entrare in competizione per sentirsi meglio. E, visto che la guerra e’ la competizione definitiva, fondamentalmente gli uomini si uccidono l’un l’altro per incrementare la propria autostima. Non c’e’ bisogno di essere uno storico o un politologo per cogliere il funzionamento della teoria della politica estera da cazzo piu’ lungo. Suona piu’ o meno cosi’: “Cosa? Hanno il cazzo piu’ lungo? Bombardiamoli!” E ovviamente le bombe, i razzi e i proiettili sono tutti a forma di cazzo. E’ il bisogno inconscio di lanciare il pene negli affari altrui. Si chiama fottere la gente! Quindi… …per quanto mi riguarda l’intera questione del Golfo Persico non e’ stato altro che un enorme combattimento tra stronzi che agitano il cazzo. In questo caso particolare, Saddam Hussein ha messo in discussione le dimensioni del cazzo di George Bush. E George Bush e’ stato definito incompetente per cosi’ tanto tempo… Incompetente fa rima con impotente… George e’ stato definito incompetente per cosi’ tanto tempo, che ha dovuto manifestare le sue fantasie virili mandando a morire i figli altrui. Anche il nome: Bush, “cespuglio”… Anche il nome Bush, e’ collegato ai genitali senza essere i genitali. Il cespuglietto e’ una sorta di passiva e secondaria caratteristica sessuale. Ora se il suo nome fosse stato George Cazzoduro… …forse si sarebbe sentito un po’ meglio e non avremmo avuto problemi laggiu’ fin dall’inizio. L’intero paese ha un problema di virilita’, un grosso problema di virilita’ per gli USA. Lo si puo’ dire dal linguaggio che usiamo. Il linguaggio ti tradisce sempre. Cosa abbiamo sbagliato in Vietnam? Ci siamo tirati fuori. Non una cosa molto virile da fare, vero? Quando fotti la gente, devi restare dentro e fotterla per bene, fotterla fino in fondo, fotterla fino alla fine. Fotterla a morte. Fotterla a morte. Fotterla a morte. Resta dentro e continua a fotterli finche’ non sono tutti morti. Abbiamo lasciato un po’ di donne e bambini vivi in Vietnam e non siamo stati bene con noi stessi da allora. E’ per questo che nel Golfo Persico George Bush ha dovuto dire: “Questo non sara’ un altro Vietnam.” Ha davvero usato queste parole. Ha detto: “Questa volta andremo fino in fondo.” Immaginate un presidente americano che usa il gergo sessuale di un tredicenne per descrivere la sua politica estera. Se volete sapere cos’e’ successo nel Golfo Persico, ricordatevi solo i nomi dei due uomini che hanno gestito questa guerra: Dick Cheney e Colin Powell. “Dick” significa “cazzo”, “Colin” suona come “colon”. Qualcuno e’ stato fottuto nel culo. Grazie. Grazie. Grazie mille. Beh, sapete che vi dico… …ora, per bilanciare le cose, vorrei parlare di un paio di cose che ci accomunano. Cose che enfatizzano le nostre somiglianze anziche’ le nostre differenze, perche’ in questo paese non si parla d’altro se non delle nostre differenze. E’ tutto quello di cui parlano i media e i politici: le cose che ci separano, le cose che ci rendono differenti. E’ il modo in cui la classe dirigente opera in tutte le societa’: tentano di dividere il resto della gente. Lasciano le classi inferiori e medie combattere tra di loro cosi’ che loro, i ricchi, possano scappare con tutti i cazzo di soldi. Cosa facilissima. Si da’ il caso che funzioni. Sapete, se c’e’ un elemento di diversita’, ne parleranno. Razza, religione, background etnico e culturale, lavori, reddito, istruzione, status sociale, sessualita’. Tutto cio’ che puo’ farci continuare a combattere l’un l’altro cosi’ che loro possano continuare ad andare in banca. Sapete come definisco io le classi economiche e sociali di questo paese? La classe piu’ alta si tiene tutti i soldi e non paga le tasse. La classe media paga tutte le tasse e fa tutto il lavoro. I poveri sono li’ solo per far cacare addosso la classe media. Per far si’ che continuino a presentarsi al lavoro. Percio’… …percio’, mi piace rompere i coglioni di tanto in tanto, ma mi piace anche sapere che posso tornare a quelle piccole cose che abbiamo in comune, piccoli momenti universali che condividiamo separatamente. Le cose che ci rendono uguali, cosi’ piccole che a malapena ne parliamo. Avete mai guardato l’orologio… …per poi non sapere che ora e’? Quindi dovete guardare di nuovo… …e ancora non sapete l’orario. Poi guardate una terza volta, qualcuno vi chiede: “Che ore sono?” E voi dite: “Non lo so.” Avete mai notato come a volte per tutto il mercoledi’… …continuate a essere convinti che sia giovedi’? E succede di continuo, per tutto il giorno. E poi il giorno dopo… sei di nuovo a posto. Vi siete mai trovati in piedi in una stanza di casa vostra senza ricordare perche’ ci siete entrati? E tre parole aleggiano nella vostra mente: morbo di Alzheimer… Vi e’ mai capitato di parlare da soli, qualcuno entra nella stanza e dovete fargli credere di stare cantando? E pregate Dio che l’altra persona creda davvero che ci sia una canzone dal titolo: “Ma Lei Cosa Crede Che Sono, Un Coglioncello?” Piccole esperienze che tutti abbiamo avuto. Vi siete mai trovati in un treno, con un altro treno fermo nel binario accanto, uno dei due comincia a muoversi e non capite quale? E che dire di quando siete in barca in un giorno ventoso? Vi e’ mai capitato di ondeggiare avanti e indietro per 3-4 ore tentando di restare in equilibrio… Acque impetuose, barca piccola… E poi di tornare a riva, stare in piedi sulla banchina e giurereste che c’e’ qualcosa dentro di voi ancora la’ in mare a ondeggiare? Avete mai provato a sollevare una valigia che pensavate fosse piena, ma non lo era? E avete fatto brooom. E per giusto mezzo secondo, vi siete sentiti veramente forti. E quando guardate attraverso una rete metallica? Avete mai notato che, se sei alla giusta distanza da una rete metallica, a volte sembra che faccia… Che cos’e’? Come lo fanno? Avete mai provato a dire a qualcuno che ha un po’ di sporco sulla faccia? Non si riesce mai a fargli strofinare il punto giusto, vero? Dici: “Hai un po’ di sporco… proprio qui.” Fanno sempre: “Dove, qui?” E vorreste proprio prendere a schiaffi quei bastardi… Avete mai notato quanto e’ brutta la vostra faccia nello specchio di un bagno con luci fluorescenti? Ogni taglio, crosta, graffio, cicatrice, piaga, livido, bolla, brufolo, foruncolo, punto nero, verruca, segno e ascesso che avete fin dalla nascita. Tutti sembrano tornare contemporaneamente. E tutto cio’ che pensate e’: “Devo uscire da qui, cazzo!” Avete mai notato che quando camminate col braccio intorno al vostro partner, a volte uno di voi deve cambiare la sua andatura? Uomini e donne non camminano allo stesso modo. Uno dei due deve cambiare. O gli uomini devono camminare cosi’… …o le donne devono camminare cosi’. “Joey, come stai?” E quando stai salendo una rampa di scale e pensi che ci sia un altro gradino… …e fai… E poi devi trovare il modo di continuare a farlo. In modo che la gente pensi che sia una cosa che fai sempre. “Faccio sempre cosi’. “E’ il terzo stadio della sifilide.” Lo stesso accade quando stai scendendo le scale. Avresti giurato che c’era ancora un gradino… “Oh, merda! “Ho i fianchi nel costato!” Quando bevete succo di pompelmo al mattino, fate cosi’? Anch’io! Perche’ lo beviamo? E’ come il gelato in gola. Sapete quando mangi gelato troppo velocemente e senti un punto ghiacciato in fondo alla gola, ma non puoi farci niente perche’ non puoi arrivarci per strofinarlo? Devi solo aspettare che vada via. E lo fa. Poi cosa fai? Mangi altro gelato! Cosa siamo, stupidi, cazzo? Vi e’ mai capitato di andare a dormire nel tardo pomeriggio, svegliarvi la sera e non sapere che cavolo di giorno e’? E quando hai la testa su un cuscino? Avete mai notato che quando avete la testa sul cuscino, se chiudete… …se chiudete l’occhio di sotto il cuscino e’ quaggiu’? Poi fate cambio occhio e il cuscino si sposta quassu’. “Oh, santa merda, Dave, guarda qui! “Il mistero del cuscino che si muove.” Penso sia collegato al mistero della rete metallica… Avete mai dovuto starnutire durante una pisciata? E’ spaventoso, no? E’ spaventoso perche’ in effetti non si puo’. E’ fisicamente impossibile starnutire mentre si piscia. Il cervello non lo permette. Il cervello dice: “Basta pisciare! Dobbiamo starnutire, ora!” Perche’ il tuo cervello sa che potresti farti esplodere il buco del culo. Un’altra cosa che abbiamo in comune: volare in aereo… …e ascoltare gli annunci delle compagnie. E provare a convincerci che il linguaggio che usano sia davvero l’inglese. Non mi sembra che sia cosi’. Tutto inizia quando raggiungi il gate. Primo annuncio: “Siamo lieti di iniziare la procedura di imbarco.” Una parola di troppo: “procedura”. Non e’ necessaria. “Imbarco” e’ sufficiente. “Siamo lieti di iniziare l’imbarco”. Semplice, dice tutto. La gente aggiunge parole extra quando vuole che le cose sembrino piu’ importanti di quel che sono. “Procedura di imbarco”. Sembra importante. Non lo e’. E’ solo un gruppo di persone che sale su un aereo. Alla gente piace sembrare importante. I meteorologi in televisione parlano di “rovesci piovosi”. Suona piu’ importante che “pioggia”. Ho sentito perfino un tizio alla CNN parlare di “evento piovoso”. Giuro su Dio. Disse: “In Louisiana si verifichera’ un evento piovoso.” Ho pensato: “Merda, spero di riuscire a trovare i biglietti!” “Situazione d’emergenza”. Ai giornalisti piace dire che la polizia ha risposto a una situazione d’emergenza. No, non l’ha fatto. Ha risposto a un’emergenza. Lo sappiamo che e’ una situazione. Tutto e’ una situazione. Comunque, come parte della procedura d’imbarco, dicono: “Saremmo lieti di effettuare il pre-imbarco”. Cos’e’ esattamente? Che significa “pre-imbarco”, sali prima di salire? E’ un’altra delle mie proteste: l’uso esagerato del prefisso pre-. Si e’ diffuso in tutto il linguaggio ormai, pre-questo, pre-quello. “Mettere il tacchino in un forno pre-riscaldato”. E’ ridicolo. Ci sono solo due stati in cui un forno puo’ mai essere: riscaldato o non riscaldato. “Pre-riscaldato” e’ un termine che non significa un cazzo. E’ come “pre-registrato”. “Questo programma e’ stato pre-registrato”. Beh, e’ ovvio che e’ stato pre-registrato. Quando vorreste registrarlo, dopo? E’ esattamente l’obiettivo del registrare: farlo prima. Altrimenti non funziona molto bene, no? “Pre-esistere”, “pre-programmare”, “pre-proiettare”. Sapete cosa dico a questa gente? Pre-succhiate la mia situazione genitale! E sembrano capire di cosa sto parlando. Comunque, come fase di questo pre-imbarco, dicono: “Saremmo lieti di pre-imbarcare i passeggeri che viaggiano con bambini piccoli.” Beh, e i passeggeri che viaggiano con bambini grossi? Metti che hai un figlio di due anni con un disturbo ipofisario? Sai un fanciullo di 2 metri con la testa sproporzionata… …come se ne vedono in continuazione sul “National Inquirer”. In realta’, con un figlio cosi’, penso che fareste meglio a fargli fare il check-in insieme ai bagagli, no? Si’, gli piace li’ sotto. E’ buio, ci sono abituati. A questo punto, qualcuno vi dice di andare sull’aereo. “Vada sull’aereo, vada sull’aereo”. Io dico: “Fanculo, io vado nell’aereo. “Nell’aereo! “Fateci andare Evel Kneivel sull’aereo. Famoso stuntman americano. “Io staro’ qui dentro con voi gente in uniforme. “Sembra che qui ci sia meno vento.” Potrebbero dirvi che siete su un volo non-stop. Beh, non credo che una cosa cosi’ mi interessi. No, io pretendo che il mio volo si fermi. Preferibilmente in un aeroporto. Sono quelle fermate improvvise e fuori programma su campi di grano e palazzine… …che sembrano ostacolare l’andamento della mia giornata. Eccone uno che hanno da poco inventato: “quasi-mancato”. Quando due aerei sfiorano la collisione, lo chiamano “quasi-mancato”. E’ un quasi-colpito! Una collisione e’ un quasi-mancato! “Guarda, l’ha quasi mancato!” “Si’, ma non abbastanza!” Potrebbero dirvi che il vostro volo e’ stato rinviato per un cambio di equipaggiamento. Aereo rotto. Mi dicono di mettere in avanti il mio schienale. Beh, non riesco a piegarmi cosi’. Se potessi mettere in avanti lo schienale, farei film porno! Poi parlano del bagaglio a mano. La prima volta che l’ho sentito ho pensato che avrebbero portato un cervo morto a bordo. Intraducibile: “carry-on” = bagaglio a mano “carrion” = carcassa di animale. A cosa diavolo gli serve? Non hanno piu’ quei pasti in vassoio? Poi ho pensato “carry on”, “fare casino”… ci sara’ una festa! La gente fara’ un gran casino sull’aereo. Beh, non sono interessato. Mi piace un atteggiamento serio sull’aereo, specialmente nella cabina di pilotaggio. che e’ l’ultimo eufemismo per cockpit. “Cock” = cazzo, “pit” = fossa… fossa di cazzi. Non immagino perche’ non vogliano usare un’amabile parola come cockpit, e voi? Specialmente con tutte quelle stewardess che entrano ed escono di continuo. Questa e’ una parola che e’ cambiata: “stewardess”. All’inizio era “hostess”, poi “stewardess”, ora e’ “assistente di volo”. Sapete io come la chiamo? La signorina sull’aereo. A volte c’e’ un uomo sull’aereo. Va bene, la parita’, sono favorevole. A volte si riferiscono a queste persone come: “membri dell’equipaggio in uniforme”. In uniforme. Al contrario del tizio seduto di fianco a te con la t-shirt dei Grateful Dead e il cappello con la scritta “Fuck you”. Alle prese con la nona bottiglietta di Kaluha, aggiungerei. Appena chiudono la porta dell’aereo, e’ il momento in cui cominciano le dimostrazioni di sicurezza. Amo le dimostrazioni di sicurezza. E’ la mia parte preferita del volo in aereo. Ascolto con molta attenzione la dimostrazione di sicurezza, specialmente la parte in cui ci insegnano a usare… la cintura. Immaginate. Siamo in un aereo pieno di esseri umani adulti, molti di noi parzialmente istruiti, e stanno davvero impiegando del tempo a descrivere l’intricato funzionamento della fibbia di una cintura. “Posizionate la linguetta di metallo all’interno della fibbia.” Beh, io chiedo chiarimenti a questo punto. “Mi scusi, quaggiu’, per favore. Grazie mille. “Ho sentito bene? “Ha detto di posizionare la linguetta di metallo nella fibbia, “o di posizionare la fibbia fuori e intorno alla linguetta di metallo? “Sono un uomo semplice. Non possiedo una laurea in ingegneria, ne’ sono portato per la meccanica. “Mi dispiace di averle fatto perdere cosi’ tanto tempo. “La prego, continui con le meravigliosa dimostrazione di sicurezza.” Cinture di sicurezza, roba d’alta tecnologia. La dimostrazione di sicurezza prosegue. La cosa che fanno dopo e’ chiedervi di individuare la piu’ vicina uscita d’emergenza. Lo faccio immediatamente. Individuo l’uscita d’emergenza a me piu’ vicina e poi pianifico il mio tragitto. Bisogna pianificare il proprio tragitto. Non sempre c’e’ via libera, vero? A volte c’e’ un gran ciccione del cazzo seduto proprio di fronte a voi. Beh, sapete che non lo scavalcherete mai. Cerco nei dintorni le donne e i bambini, nani e gnomi, storpi, vedove di guerra, veterani paralitici, gente con le gambe rotte, chiunque abbia l’aria di non potersi muovere molto bene. Gli emotivamente disturbati tornano molto utili in questi frangenti. Magari dovrete deviare la rotta per trovarli, ma uscirete dall’aereo dannatamente piu’ in fretta, credetemi. Mi dico: “Vediamo… “Giro intorno al ciccione del cazzo, “calpesto la testa della vedova, “mi tolgo quei ragazzini dai piedi, “stendo il nano paralitico “ed esco dall’aereo dove potro’ aiutare gli altri.” Non posso essere d’aiuto a nessuno, se giaccio privo di sensi a terra, con qualche gran ciucciacazzi in piedi sulla mia testa. Devo uscire dall’aereo, andare in una fattoria nelle vicinanze, bere una Dr. Pepper e chiamare la polizia. La dimostrazione di sicurezza prosegue. “Nella remota circostanza…” Questa e’ una frase molto sospetta. Specialmente perche’ proviene da una societa’ che e’ disposta a mentire su orari di partenza e arrivo. “Nella remota circostanza “di un improvviso cambio di pressione in cabina…” Il tetto vola via! “…una maschera d’ossigeno calera’ di fronte a voi. “Posizionate la maschera sul viso e respirate normalmente.” Bene, non ho nessun problema con questo. Respiro sempre normalmente quando sono a 600 miglia all’ora in caduta verticale incontrollata. E cago anche normalmente. Proprio nelle mutande! Ti dicono di indossare dalla maschera d’ossigeno prima di aiutare tuo figlio con la sua. Non c’era bisogno che me lo dicessero. In effetti probabilmente saro’ cosi’ impegnato a urlare che non potro’ proprio aiutarlo. Sara’ la buona volta che impara a occuparsi di se stesso. Se e’ capace di programmare il cazzo di videoregistratore, e’ dannatamente capace di imparare a indossare la maschera d’ossigeno. Cosa molto semplice, non e’ altro che un elastico sul retro. Nemmeno lontanamente complicato come, ad esempio, la cintura di sicurezza. La dimostrazione di sicurezza prosegue. “Nella remota circostanza… “…di un atterraggio in mare…” Beh, cos’e’ esattamente… …un “atterraggio in mare”? Mi sbaglio o questa cosa suona all’incirca come “schiantarsi nell’oceano”? “Il cuscino del vostro sedile puo’ essere utilizzato come salvagente.” Immaginate. Il cuscino del mio sedile. Proprio quello che mi serve… …galleggiare in giro per l’Atlantico per svariati giorni… …aggrappato a un cuscino pieno di scorregge da birra! Grazie. Il volo prosegue. Un po’ piu’ tardi, verso la fine, sentiamo: “Il comandante ha attivato il segnale di allacciare le cinture di sicurezza.” Beh, chi cazzo se ne fotte chi l’ha attivato? Che c’entra? E’ acceso, no? E chi ha nominato quest’uomo comandante… …mi verrebbe da chiedere. Mi sono addormentato durante qualche sorta di cerimonia di giuramento delle Forze Armate? Comandante? E’ un pilota del cazzo e che si accontenti. Se questi annunci lapalissiani che fa sono indice del suo intelletto, e’ gia’ fortunato se lavora! Riferite al “comandante” che il maresciallo dell’aria Carlin gli dice: “Vai a farti fottere!” La frase che sento dopo e’ piena di cose che mi fanno incazzare. “Prima che lasciate l’aereo, vi preghiamo di controllare il vostro posto a sedere “per qualsiasi vostro oggetto personale che potreste aver portato a bordo.” Bene… cominciamo con “posto a sedere”. Sedile! E’ un dannato sedile. Controllate il vostro sedile. “…per qualsiasi vostro oggetto personale…” Beh, che altro tipo di oggetti personali esistono all’infuori dei nostri? Oggetti personali pubblici? Questa gente crede davvero che io possa viaggiare con una fontana rubata al parco? “…che potreste aver portato a bordo…” Beh… Avrei potuto portare la mia collezione di punte di freccia. Non l’ho fatto. Quindi non mi mettero’ a cercarla! Mi mettero’ a cercare cose che ho portato a bordo. Che sembrerebbe aumentare le mie possibilita’ di trovare qualcosa, non trovate? Mi chiedono di rimettere il sediolino e il tavolino nella loro posizione originaria. D’accordo. E chi riporta questo tizio con la maglietta dei Grateful Dead e il cappello con la scritta “Fuck you” nella sua posizione originaria? A questo punto, ti dicono che l’atterraggio sara’ breve. Non vi suona come: “Mancheremo la pista?” Nemmeno “avvicinamento finale” e’ molto promettente, vero? “Finale” non e’ una bella parola da usare su un aereo. A volte il pilota parla e dice: “Saremo a terra fra 15 minuti.” Beh, e’ un pochino vago, no? Ora avanziamo lentamente sulla pista. Lei dice: “Benvenuti all’O’Hare International Airport.” Beh, come e’ possibile che una che sta appena arrivando mi dia il benvenuto in un posto che nemmeno lei ha ancora raggiunto? Non viola qualche legge basilare della fisica? Siamo a terra da quattro secondi e parla come se fosse la moglie del sindaco, cazzo! “L’orario locale…” Beh, e’ ovvio che sia l’orario locale. Cosa crede che ci aspettiamo, l’orario di Pango Pango? “Godetevi la vostra permanenza a Chicago o ovunque sia la vostra destinazione finale.” Tutte le destinazioni sono finali. E’ quello che significa: “destino”, “finale”. Se non hai ancora raggiunto il luogo dove stai andando… …non sei ancora la’. “Il comandante ha chiesto…” Altre stronzate dal comandante tarocco. Per essere uno che dovrebbe far volare un aeroplano, si interessa un po’ troppo a quello che faccio qui dietro. “…che restiate seduti finche’ il velivolo non sara’ completamente fermo.” Non parzialmente fermo. Perche’ durante una fermata parziale, io mi alzo parzialmente. “Continuare a osservare il divieto di fumo “finche’ non sarete del tutto all’interno del terminal.” E’ fisicamente impossibile osservare il divieto di fumo gia’ quando fate un passo fuori dalla porta dell’aeroplano! Figuriamoci dall’interno del terminal! Non si vedono nemmeno i cazzo di aerei dall’interno del terminal. E questo mi porta a “terminal”… …un’altra parola infelice, se associata ai viaggi in aereo. E la usano dappertutto in aeroporto, non e’ vero? Per qualche motivo mi passa l’appetito in un posto chiamato “Snack Bar Terminale”. Ma se avete mai mangiato la’, sapete che e’ un nome appropriato. Grazie. Grazie mille. Grazie. Ok. Ora… A proposito di posti per mangiare, di posti per mangiare e il nome che hanno, a Beverly Hills c’e’ un nuovo ristorante, fatto apposta per le vittime della bulimia. Si chiama “Ingurgita e Vomita”. Beh, stavano per chiamarlo “La Forchetta e il Secchio”. Grazie a Dio, il buon gusto ha prevalso. Invece un ristorante per anoressici? Come lo chiamereste? “Il Piatto Vuoto”… “Lo Chef Solitario”… “Iniziate Senza di Me, Ragazzi”. Vedete, per qualche motivo non provo pieta’ per gli anoressici, sapete? Ricca troia che non vuole mangiare? Cazzi suoi. Cazzi suoi. Non mangiare. Non me ne frega un cazzo. Come se dovessi preoccuparmene davvero. “Non voglio mangiare!” Vai a farti fottere! Perche’ non ti stendi di fronte a un treno in corsa, subito dopo non aver mangiato? Che cazzo di malattia e’ questa, comunque? “Non voglio mangiare!” Come ce le inventiamo queste stronzate in questo paese? Da dove vengono i nostri valori? Bulimia, ecco un’altra malattia tipicamente americana. Questo e’ l’unico paese del mondo che avrebbe mai potuto inventarsi la bulimia. E’ l’unico paese in cui ci sono persone che scavano nell’immondizia per un nocciolo di pesca mentre altre persone mangiano un buon pasto e lo vomitano di proposito. Da dove vengono i nostri valori? Non comprendo i nostri valori. Comunque, parlando di valori americani… Non e’ forse ora di iniziare a bombardare qualche piccola nazione che abbia una forza aerea solo marginalmente efficace? Mi sembra che gia’ da settimane non sganciamo potenti esplosivi su civili inermi, gente che con noi non c’entra un bel nulla. Penso che dovremmo essere gia’ laggiu’ a fare quello che ci viene meglio, gente: fare grossi crateri nei paesi degli altri. Odio essere ripetitivo, ma ci piace proprio un sacco la guerra. Non riusciamo a stare senza rompere il cazzo a qualcuno. Non vedevamo l’ora che finisse la guerra fredda, non e’ vero? Non vedevamo l’ora che finisse, cosi’ da poter giocare coi nostri giocattoli sulla sabbia. Andare a giocare coi giocattoli sulla sabbia. E quando non invadiamo qualche stato sovrano o gli diamo fuoco dall’alto, che e’ piu’ divertente per i nostri piloti Nintendo, allora di solito dichiariamo guerra a qualcosa che abbiamo qui a casa nostra. L’avete mai notato? Adoriamo dichiarare guerra alle cose qui in America. A tutto quello che non ci piace di noi stessi, dichiariamo guerra. Non facciamo niente a riguardo. Gli dichiariamo solo guerra. E’ l’unica metafora, l’unica, che esiste nel nostro dibattito pubblico per “risolvere i problemi”: dichiarargli guerra. Dichiariamo guerra a tutto. Abbiamo la guerra al crimine, la guerra alla miseria, la guerra ai rifiuti, la guerra al tumore, la guerra alla droga. Ma avete mai notato che non c’e’ una guerra alla carenza di alloggi? Niente guerra alla carenza di alloggi. Sapete perche’? Non ci sono soldi in quel problema. Nessuno riesce ancora a cavare soldi dai senzatetto. Se si trovasse una soluzione al problema dei senzatetto grazie a cui i porci delle multinazionali e i politici riuscissero ad arraffare un paio di milioni di dollari a testa, vedreste le strade d’America iniziare a ripulirsi in un attimo, dannazione. Ve lo garantisco io. Ve lo garantisco io. Io ho un’idea. Sapete cosa dovrebbero fare? Dedicare ai senzatetto una rivista apposita. Dedicate loro una rivista. Li fara’ sentire meglio, se non altro. E’ un sicuro segno che ce l’hai fatta, in questo paese. Ogni gruppo in questo paese che ce la fa ad arrivare a un certo livello ha la sua rivista. C’e’ una rivista per le madri lavoratrici, una rivista per imprenditori neri, una rivista per l’imprenditoria ispanica. In pratica ogni attivita’, ogni attivita’ che coinvolge piu’ di quattro persone in questo paese ha una sua fottuta rivista dedicata. Paracadutismo, motoslitta, backpacking, alpinismo, bungee jumping, tiro al piattello, caccia all’anatra, masturbazione, biliardo, sparare in culo a qualcuno con un fucile a dardi… …probabilmente c’e’ una rivista anche per quello. Camminare! Per l’amor di Dio… camminare! C’e’ davvero una cazzo di rivista che si chiama “Camminare”. “Guarda Dan… “…e’ uscito il nuovo Camminare. “C’e’ un articolo interessante: ‘Mettere un piede davanti all’altro’.” Dedicate loro una rivista apposita. Dedicate loro una rivista apposita. Sapete come chiamare una rivista per senzatetto? “Migliori Casse e Cartoni”. Gia’, poi quando finiscono di leggerla, possono usarla per foderarsi i vestiti. E’ una solida opportunita’ di affari, no? E’ il tipo di risposta che darebbe un uomo d’affari conservatore americano: “Si’, gliela facciamo leggere e quando finiscono possono usarla per tappare i buchi “di quegli scatoloni in cui a quanto pare gli piace vivere.” Una solida, pratica, conservatrice, americana… …opportunita’ d’affari. Ho un’idea sui senza tetto. Sapete cosa dovrebbero fare? Cambiarne il nome. Cambiare il nome: non sono “senzatetto”. Sono “senza casa”! Quello che segue funziona meglio in inglese, grazie alla differenza di significato fra “home” e “house”. E’ di case che questa gente ha bisogno. “Tetto” e’ un’idea astratta. Il tetto e’ un’ambientazione, uno stato d’animo. Questa gente ha bisogno di case: strutture fisiche, tangibili. Hanno bisogno di palazzine popolari. Ma dove metterle? Va bene, ma dove metterle? Dove? Nessuno vuole che costruiscano palazzine popolari vicino casa propria. La gente non le vuole vicino. Abbiamo una cosa in questo paese. Ne avete sentito parlare, si chiama NIMBY. N-I-M-B-Y, “not in my back yard”. “Non nel mio cortile” La gente non vuole alcun tipo di centro di recupero situato nelle proprie vicinanze. Provate ad aprire un centro di riabilitazione, provate ad aprire un centro di recupero da droghe o alcol, provate a costruire un rifugio per senzatetto, provate ad aprire una casetta per dei ritardati che vogliono farsi strada e lavorare nella comunita’. La gente dice: “Non nel mio cortile”. La gente non vuole avere niente vicino, specialmente se potrebbe essere d’aiuto per qualcun altro. E’ parte del grande spirito di generosita’ americano di cui ci parlano sempre. Il grande e generoso spirito americano. Chiedetelo a un indiano. Chiedete a un ind… se riuscite a trovarne uno. Dovete prima trovare un indiano. Li abbiamo resi giusto un po’ difficili da trovare. Oppure, se vi servono dati aggiornati, scegliete una famiglia nera a caso e chiedete quanto e’ stato generoso questo paese con loro. La gente non vuole niente vicino a se’, perfino se e’ qualcosa in cui crede, qualcosa di cui pensa che la societa’ abbia bisogno, come le prigioni. Tutti vogliono piu’ prigioni, giusto? Tutti vogliono piu’ prigioni. Dicono: “Costruite piu’ prigioni… “…ma non qui.” Beh, perche’ no? Che c’e’ di male? Che problema c’e’? Che problema c’e’ ad avere una prigione nel vicinato? A me sembra che lo renderebbe un’area abbastanza priva di reati, non pensate? Credete che molti tossici, papponi, prostitute e ladri andranno a bazzicare di fronte a una cazzo di prigione? Stronzate, ne staranno bene alla larga! Che pensa questa gente? Tutti i criminali sono chiusi a chiave oltre le mura. E anche se due di loro evadessero, cosa pensate che farebbero? Andare a passeggio? Informarsi sull’andamento del mercato immobiliare? Stronzate… scapperanno via, cazzo! E’ esattamente il concetto di evadere di prigione: scappare il piu’ lontano possibile, cazzo. “Non nel mio cortile.” La gente non vuole niente vicino a se’. Tranne le basi militari. Quelle non li preoccupano, vero? Quelle gli piacciono. Date loro una base militare, una base della marina. Li rende felici. Perche’? Posti di lavoro. Posti di lavoro. Interessi egoistici. Anche se la base e’ zeppa di armi nucleari, non gliene frega un cazzo. Dicono: “Beh, le prendo un po’ di radiazioni, se mi danno un lavoro.” I lavoratori sono stati fottuti cosi’ a lungo in questo paese, che queste sono le ultime decisioni che rimangono da prendere. Ho trovato il posto giusto per le palazzine popolari. Ho risolto il problema. Lo so dove possiamo costruire case per i senzatetto. Campi da golf. Perfetti. Campi da golf. Proprio quello che ci serve. Proprio quello che ci serve Un sacco di bei terreni, in bei quartieri, terreni che attualmente sono sprecati in un’attivita’ assurda e senza senso, svolta… …svolta principalmente da bianchi affaristi maschi benestanti che usano le partite per incontrarsi, stringere accordi e spartirsi questo paese tra di loro. Sono stanco… Sono molto stanco di questi golfisti ciucciacazzi coi loro pantaloni verdi, i loro pantaloni gialli, i loro pantaloni arancioni, i loro preziosi cappellini e le loro adorabili golf car. E’ il momento di requisire i campi da golf ai ricchi e consegnarli ai senzatetto. Il golf e’ un gioco arrogante e elitario e occupa davvero troppo spazio in questo paese, cazzo. Troppo spazio in questo paese. E’ un gioco arrogante gia’ per come e’ strutturato. Gia’ la struttura del gioco sprizza arroganza. Pensate a quanto e’ grande un campo da golf. La pallina e’ grande cosi’, cazzo! A che serve a quei coglioni tutta quella terra? Ci sono oltre 17.000 campi da golf in America. In media ognuno grande 60 ettari. Sono piu’ di un milione di ettari. Sono 1250 chilometri quadrati. Si potrebbero costruire due Rhode Island e un Delaware per i senzatetto con il terreno oggi sprecato per questo insensato, assurdo, arrogante, elitario, razzista… …ecco un’altra cosa. Gli unici neri che trovate nei country club portano vassoi. Un gioco noioso. Un gioco noioso, per gente noiosa. Avete mai visto il golf in televisione? E’ come guardare delle mosche che scopano. Un gioco assurdo, assurdo. Pensate al cervello che bisogna avere per ricavare piacere da questa attivita’: colpire una palla con una mazza ricurva… …e poi… …camminarle dietro! E poi… …colpirla di nuovo! Ma raccoglila, stronzo, sei gia’ fortunato ad averla ritrovata, cazzo! Mettitela in tasca e vai a fare in culo a casa. Hai vinto. Hai vinto. L’hai trovata. No. Non succede mai. Nessuna chance che questo accada. Mr. Sfigo, con mutandine scozzesi, continuera’ a tirare e camminare. Fate giocare questi ricchi ciucciacazzi a minigolf. Fateli cazzeggiare con un mulino a vento per un’ora e mezza o simili. Vedete se c’e’ qualcuno veramente capace tra di loro. Ora, io so che c’e’ certa gente che gioca a golf che non si considera ricca. Si fottano. E si vergognino per dedicarsi a un passatempo cosi’ arrogante ed elitario. Ehi, ecco un altro posto dove potremmo mettere palazzine popolari: i cimiteri. Ecco un’altra idea che ha fatto il suo tempo. Conservare tutti i morti in una parte della citta’? Che razza di idea del cazzo medievale, superstiziosa e religiosa e’? Scavate questi stronzi. Sversateli nelle correnti e nei fiumi d’America. Ci serve quel fosforo per l’agricoltura. Se vogliamo riciclare, facciamolo sul serio. Grazie. Grazie. Lo apprezzo. Lo apprezzo. E’ bello fare un sorso… Suppongo che sia ancora sicuro bere acqua a New York, eh? In realta’… In realta’, devo essere sincero, voglio solo provocarvi un po’. E’ solo una domanda a trabocchetto. E’ solo per provocarvi, perche’ non mi interessa molto dell’acqua, ve lo garantisco. Adoro solo sentire la risposta a quella domanda. Faccio questa domanda ovunque io vada. Ovunque chiedo: “Com’e’ l’acqua?” Ancora non ho ricevuto risposte positive. Nemmeno una. L’anno scorso sono stato in 40 stati, in 100 citta’. Nemmeno un pubblico e’ stato in grado di dirmi: “Si’, goditi un sorso della nostra ottima acqua locale. “E’ pura ed e’ buona.” Ovviamente capisco che molta gente non parla piu’ cosi’, ma nessuno si fida della propria riserva d’acqua locale. Nessuno. E la cosa mi diverte. Mi piace. Ammetto di essere un po’ deviato, ma mi diverte il fatto che nessuno riesce piu’ a fidarsi davvero dell’acqua. E la cosa che mi piace di piu’ e’ che cio’ significa che il sistema sta iniziando a collassare e tutto sta cominciando ad andare in pezzi. Mi piacciono il caos e il disordine. Non solo perche’ mi aiutano dal punto di vista professionale. Sono anche il mio hobby. Vedete, sono un fan dell’entropia. Sono un fan dell’entropia. Quando ho sentito parlare per la prima volta di entropia a lezione di scienze, ne sono stato attratto immediatamente. Quando mi hanno detto che in natura tutti i sistemi vanno in pezzi, ho pensato: “Che bella cosa! “Che bella cosa! “Forse posso dare un piccolo contributo in quest’ambito anch’io.” E ovviamente non c’e’ solo in natura. In questo paese, l’intera struttura sociale sta cominciando a collassare. Basta vedere. Sta cominciando ora a ridursi in frantumi. E la cosa che mi piace a riguardo e’ che rende i telegiornali piu’ interessanti. Rende i telegiornali piu’ eccitanti. Li rende piu’ divertenti. Io guardo i telegiornali per un solo e unico motivo: l’intrattenimento. E’ tutto cio’ che chiedo ai TG: intrattenimento. Sapete qual e’ la mia cosa preferita in televisione? Le brutte notizie. Brutte notizie, disastri, incidenti e catastrofi. Voglio vedere esplosioni e incendi. Voglio vedere cose che esplodono e corpi che volano. Non mi importa della finanziaria. Non mi interessano i discorsi sulle tasse. Non voglio sapere in che paese si trova oggi il fottuto Papa. Ma mostrami un ospedale in fiamme con gente in stampelle che salta dal tetto e sono un uomo felice! Sono un uomo felice! Sono un uomo felice! Voglio vedere una fabbrica di vernice che scoppia. Voglio vedere una raffineria esplodere. Voglio vedere un tornado abbattersi su una chiesa di domenica. Voglio vedere gente… Voglio sapere che un tizio e’ entrato in un K-Mart sparando ai commessi con una pistola automatica. Voglio vedere migliaia di persone che uccidono poliziotti nelle strade. Voglio sentire di un incidente nucleare. Voglio sapere che il mercato azionistico ha perso 2000 punti in un giorno solo. Voglio vedere gente sotto pressione. Sirene, fiamme, fumo, cadaveri, tombe riempite, genitori in lacrime, roba eccitante. Il mio genere di TV. Voglio solo un po’ di intrattenimento. Sono solo fatto cosi’. Sono fatto cosi’. Sapete cosa amo di piu’? Quando grossi pezzi di cemento e legno infuocato cadono dal cielo e la gente corre in giro tentando di scansarli. Roba eccitante. E’ per questo che guardo le corse automobilistiche. E’ l’unica ragione per cui guardo le corse automobilistiche. Aspetto incidenti, gente! Voglio vedere automobili in fiamme. Non mi interessa un branco di villici segaioli che guidano per 500 miglia in tondo. 500 miglia in tondo? Possono farlo anche i bambini, santo cielo. Non mi impressiona. Voglio vedere qualche coglione coi capelli in fiamme che corre dandosi botte in testa da solo… …cercando di spegnerle. Voglio vedere… …i box esplodere. Voglio vedere un’auto ribaltarsi a 200 miglia all’ora. Ehi, dove, a parte nell’automobilismo, potro’ mai vedere una collisione tra 23 auto senza essere coinvolto in quel casino? E se una macchina fa un volo fuori strada e atterra sugli spalti uccidendo 50 spettatori, bene. Cazzi loro! Gli sta bene. Hanno pagato per essere la’. Che se ne assumano il rischio come tutti gli altri. Significa solo piu’ divertimento per me. Piu’ divertimento per me! Ehi, almeno io lo ammetto. Almeno io lo ammetto. La maggior parte della gente non ammettera’ mai questi pensieri. I piu’ guardano queste cose in TV e dicono: “Oh, ma non e’ orribile? Ma che peccato!” Stronzi bugiardi. Stronzi bugiardi. Vi piace e lo sapete! Le esplosioni sono divertenti. Ehi! Piu’ vicina e’ l’esplosione a casa vostra… …piu’ e’ divertente. Ci avete mai fatto caso? A volte avete la TV accesa e fate faccende domestiche, qualcuno in televisione dice: “6000 persone sono morte oggi in un’esplosione.” Voi dite: “Dove! Dove!” Lui dice: “In Pakistan.” E voi: “Oh, chi se ne fotte del Pakistan!” Troppo lontano per essere divertente! Ma se dice che e’ successo nella vostra citta’, dite: “Wow, roba forte! Forza Dave, andiamo a vedere i cadaveri! “Andiamo a vedere i cadaveri!” Io amo le brutte notizie. Amo le brutte notizie. Ehi… Piu’ brutte notizie ci sono, piu’ velocemente il sistema collassera’. Per me va bene. Per me va bene. Non mi tange un cazzo. Non mi tange un cazzo. Sono contento che l’acqua faccia schifo. Sono contento che faccia schifo. Sapete cosa faccio? La bevo! A meno che… A meno che non puzzi davvero. Se puzza molto di zolfo… …allora potrei comprare una soda. Ma dev’essere una soda… …piena di additivi chimici! Mi piace avere molti additivi chimici nelle cose che mangio e bevo. Vedete, non sono uno di quelli che si preoccupano di tutto. Avete gente cosi’ attorno a voi? Il paese ne e’ pieno. Gente che ne va in giro tutto il giorno, ogni minuto, preoccupata per tutto! Preoccupata per l’aria, per l’acqua, per la terra. Preoccupata per gli insetticidi, i pesticidi, gli additivi alimentari, le sostanze cancerogene, preoccupata per il gas radon, per l’amianto… Preoccupata di salvare le specie in via di estinzione. Lasciate che vi dica una cosa sulle specie in via di estinzione, ok? Salvare le specie in via di estinzione e’ solo un altro tentativo arrogante degli umani di controllare la Natura. E’ immischiarsi con arroganza, e’ quello che ci ha messo nei guai fin dall’inizio. Non lo capisce nessuno? Interferire con la Natura! Piu’ del 90%… di piu’, molto di piu’… …del 90% di tutte le specie che sono mai vissute su questo pianeta, sono andate. Sono estinte! Non le abbiamo uccise tutte noi! Sono solo scomparse. E’ quel che fa la Natura! Oggigiorno scompaiono al ritmo di 25 al giorno. Intendo, senza contare il nostro comportamento. Non importa come ci comportiamo su questo pianeta, 25 specie che erano qui oggi… …saranno scomparse domani. Lasciamole andare in pace. Lasciamo in pace la Natura. Non abbiamo gia’ fatto abbastanza? Siamo cosi’ presuntuosi. Cosi’ presuntuosi! Tutti vogliono salvare qualcosa, adesso. Salviamo gli alberi! Salviamo le api! Salviamo le balene! Salviamo quelle lumache! E l’arroganza piu’ grande di tutte: “Salviamo il pianeta”. Cosa?! Ma questa gente mi prende per il culo? Salvare il pianeta? Ma se non sappiamo ancora prenderci cura di noi! Non sappiamo prenderci cura l’uno dell’altro e dobbiamo salvare questo cazzo di pianeta? Sono stanco di queste cazzate! Stanco di queste cazzate! Stanco! Sono stanco del fottuto Eath Day, stanco di questi ambientalisti autoreferenziali, questi bianchi liberali borghesi che pensano che l’unica cosa che non va in questo paese e’ che non ci sono abbastanza piste ciclabili. Gente che tenta di rendere il mondo sicuro per la propria Volvo. D’altra parte, agli ambientalisti non frega un cazzo del pianeta, non gli interessa del pianeta. Non che in astratto non gli importi. Sapete a cosa sono interessati? A un posto pulito in cui vivere. Il proprio habitat. Sono preoccupati che un giorno, in futuro, possano essere personalmente scomodati. Lo stupido e ottuso interesse personale non mi colpisce. Per di piu’, non c’e’ niente che non vada nel pianeta. Niente che non vada, il pianeta sta bene! La gente e’ fottuta! C’e’ una bella differenza. Il pianeta sta bene. In confronto alla gente, il pianeta sta alla grande. E’ qui da quattro miliardi e mezzo di anni. Avete mai fatto due conti? Il pianeta e’ qui da quattro miliardi e mezzo di anni. Noi da quanti anni siamo qui? Centomila? Forse duecentomila? E ci siamo dati all’industria pesante da poco piu’ di duecento anni. Duecento anni contro quattro miliardi e mezzo! E abbiamo la presunzione di pensare che in qualche modo siamo una minaccia? Che in qualche modo metteremo a rischio questa bella pallina azzurra e verde che galleggia intorno al sole? Il pianeta ha superato come molto peggiori di noi. Ha superato ogni tipo di cosa peggiore di noi. Ha superato terremoti, vulcani, tettonica a placche, deriva dei continenti, venti solari, macchie solari, tempeste magnetiche, inversione magnetica dei poli… …centinaia di migliaia di anni di bombardamenti di comete e asteroidi e meteoriti, inondazioni mondiali, onde anomale, incendi planetari, erosione, raggi cosmici, ere glaciali ricorrenti. E noi pensiamo che qualche busta di plastica… …e qualche lattina di alluminio… …faranno qualche differenza? Il pianeta… …il pianeta… Il pianeta non va da nessuna parte. Noi si’! Noi stiamo andando via. Fate le valigie, gente. Ce ne andiamo. E non lasceremo neanche molte tracce, grazie a Dio. Forse un po’ di polistirolo. Forse. Un po’ di polistirolo. Il pianeta sara’ qui quando noi saremo andati via da un pezzo. Solo un’altra mutazione fallita. Solo un altro vicolo cieco biologico sbagliato. Un cul-de-sac evoluzionistico. Il pianeta ci scuotera’ di dosso come un’infestazione di pulci. Un fastidio superficiale. Volete sapere come se la passa il pianeta? Chiedete a quella gente a Pompei, pietrificata dalle ceneri vulcaniche… …come se la passa il pianeta. Oppure chiedetelo alle persone a Citta’ del Messico o in Armenia, o centinaia di altri posti, seppellite da un terremoto sotto migliaia di tonnellate di macerie… …se sentono di essere una minaccia per il pianeta, questa settimana. E che dire di quelli di Kilowaia, Hawaii, che hanno costruito le loro case accanto a un vulcano in attivita’… …e poi si chiedono perche’ hanno della lava in soggiorno! Il pianeta restera’ qui per tanto, tanto, tanto tempo dopo che ce ne saremo andati e si curera’, si ripulira’, perche’ e’ quello che fa: e’ un sistema che si corregge da solo. L’aria e l’acqua guariranno, la terra’ sara’ rinnovata, e se e’ vero che la plastica non e’ degradabile, bene, il pianeta incorporera’ semplicemente la plastica in un nuovo paradigma: la Terra piu’ la plastica. La Terra non condivide il nostro pregiudizio verso la plastica. La plastica viene dalla Terra! Probabilmente la Terra vede la plastica come un altro dei suoi figli! Potrebbe essere l’unica ragione per cui la Terra ci ha permesso di riprodurci: voleva la plastica per se’. Non sapeva come farla. Aveva bisogno di noi. Potrebbe essere la risposta all’antica domanda filosofica: “Perche’ siamo qui?” “La plastica… coglioni!” Quindi… …quindi… …la plastica e’ qui, il nostro lavoro e’ finito, possiamo essere dismessi. E penso che in realta’ sia gia’ cominciata, voi no? Penso, per essere giusti, che il pianeta ci veda come una moderata minaccia, Qualcosa con cui fare i conti. E sono sicuro che il pianeta si difendera’. Come farebbe un grande organismo, cosi’ come si difendono gli alveari o le colonie di formiche. Sono sicuro che il pianeta pensera’ a qualcosa. Cosa fareste se foste il pianeta che tenta di difendersi da questa specie fastidiosa e problematica? “Vediamo, cosa… i virus! “I virus potrebbero funzionare, sembrano vulnerabili ai virus. “E i virus sono furbi, “cambiano sempre e formano nuovi ceppi ogni volta che viene sviluppato un vaccino… “Magari, questo primo virus potrebbe essere uno… “…che compromette il sistema immunitario di queste creature. “Magari un virus per l’immunodeficienza umana “che li renda vulnerabili a tutte le altre malattie e infezioni che potrebbero presentarsi… “E forse potrebbe diffondersi sessualmente! “Rendendoli un po’ riluttanti a intraprendere l’atto della riproduzione.” Beh, e’ una nota poetica. Ed e’ un inizio. E posso sognare, no? Non mi preoccupo delle piccole cose: api, alberi… …balene, lumache… Penso che siamo parte di una saggezza piu’ grande di quanto potremo mai comprendere. Un ordine superiore. Chiamatelo come volete. Sapete come lo chiamo io? Il Grande Elettrone! Il Grande Elettrone… Non punisce, non premia, non giudica affatto. Esiste e basta. E anche noi. Per un po’ di tempo. Grazie per essere stati con me per un po’ di tempo stasera. Grazie. Grazie mille. Grazie. Grazie. Grazie New York! Prendetevi cura di voi! Prendetevi cura di voi! E prendetevi cura di qualcun altro! Grazie, buona notte!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BILL BURR: LET IT GO (2010) – TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-let-it-go-2010-full-transcript/

[Quirky rock music] All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for coming out here. Okay, okay. All right. Okay, I didn’t cure anything. Jesus Christ. Fuckin’ lifetime achievement award out here. Pro Swine Flu I…I have been on the road for the last five months. I don’t know, man. I’m just really thinking the worst of people. I really am. You should see some of the animals—some of the animals I see. Like, I was in the airport the other day, right? I’m sitting there waiting for my flight to take my life and watching this—watching this lady. She’s eating egg McMuffins, like, plural, and just threw, like, three of them right down her throat like a pelican. Just, like, right down her gullet. And when she was done, she wiped her face with the bag. Ahh, with the bag, not even like a gentleman. Like, “oh, I’ll just do the corners,” and, “ahhhh.” Then she just kind of straight-razor shaved. Just an absolute animal. I saw this other dude. He was so out of shape, he was, like, trying to itch his back, and he couldn’t reach it, so he walked up to a support pole that was holding up an entire floor of the airport and just walks up, and he just starts, like, rubbing up against it like a grizzly bear. Just sitting there. Just a fuckin’ animal. Dude, I am so pro-swine flu, it’s, like, ridiculous. I want it. We need a plague. I’m telling you, we need a plague. It’s got to happen, and don’t be afraid. It’s only gonna—it’s only gonna kill the weak, you know? Seriously, put on a sweater. Take some vitamins. You’re gonna be fine. Just… You’ve got to let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out, and we won’t let her do it. Keeps trying to thin the herd, and every single time, we’re like, “oh, go down and get your vaccination.” Why? Why? So egg McMuffin lady can breed with the back fat guy, you know? It’s got to happen. You’ve got to let her do it. Seriously, plague, it’s like nature’s forest fire, you know? Just let it burn out all the dead wood. No, I swear to God. We’re the only—we’re the only species that saves the weak. We really are. Lions don’t do that shit, you know? A lion gets a little thorn in his paw, and everybody’s, “slow down. Do you have an ear infection? How are you feeling? Is everything all right? Do you need some penicillin?” and it’s like, “fuck him.” That’s why there’s no traffic on the Serengeti. There’s not a bunch of lions just standing there in gridlock like, “what the fuck is going on up there? Dude, go. Just fuckin’ go.” An hour later, you get up there. There’s some hyena licking his balls. Like, “oh, that was the big holdup, right? Like you never saw that before. Oh, by all means, slow down and look at it.” Being a Mother So… I’ve got a girlfriend, man. I watch a lot of TV with her, you know? I just annoy the hell out of her. She loves watching the Oprah Winfrey show, and I love, like, watching her watch the Oprah Winfrey show. And I wait for Oprah to say something stupid, and the second she does, I just take it out on my girl, because I’m an asshole. No, it’s what I do. No, we were watching it the other day, you know. Oprah’s on there. She’s interviewing some clam, you know, and… she’s giving her this big, ridiculous intro, like, “she’s done this. She’s done that. She’s done this. And she does the most difficult job on the planet. She’s a mother.” And continues on, and immediately, I just look at my girlfriend like… You know. Like, “really? Being a mother is the most difficult job on the planet? Oh, yeah, all those mothers who die every year from black lung from inhaling all that coal dust.” Dude, women are just constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are, and no one corrects them, ’cause they want to fuck ’em. No, that’s what it is. So there’s just this tornado of, like, misinformation. “I have the most difficult job on the planet.” What would you rather be doing, drilling to the center of the earth, shaking hands with the Devil, every time there’s a rumble in the ground, you’re waiting for the whole thing to collapse down on top of you so they can write that folk song about you, you know? Or would you rather be up in the sunshine running around with a couple of toddlers that you can send to bed anytime you want on some sort of trumped-up charges, right? Because you want to have a drink and watch The Price is Right. You know what I mean? I couldn’t believe it. “It’s the most difficult job on the planet.” Oh, yeah? I thought roofing in the middle of July as a redhead—I thought that that was difficult, but these mothers are bending over at the waist putting DVDs into DVD players. I don’t know how they do it. I don’t know how they do it. Dude, any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job, all right? Give me a break. Jesus Christ, you’re 35 years old playing hide-and-go-seek. You’re living the dream. You’re living the dream. No time card, no taxes. You’re off the fuckin’ grid. Making Popsicle stick houses. I mean… “It’s the most difficult job on the planet.” Oprah’s not even a mother. How the fuck would she know? Unbelievable. Granted, neither am I, but I, you know, I think it kind of balances itself out. Oddly Racist […] Make My Sandwich […] Chain Stores […] Don’t Wanna Be That Guy I’m halfway through my life at this age, you know, and I’ve been an angry son of a bitch, and I’ve got to turn this around, man. I’m embarrassed with my—I don’t wanna be that guy. You die as the angry guy. That’s the worst dude to die as, because then people have got to try to think of happy shit to say about you at your funeral. They’re just sitting there like, “he, uh… you know, he always paid his bills on time, you know. You’ve got to give him that, you know. God damn it, you gave this guy a bill, he paid it. This guy was a bill-paying son of a bitch, ironed his shirts. I—I got nothing. I don’t know what else to say about the guy. He’s just…” No… No, I noticed—you know when I knew I had an anger problem was when—just, like, little random things. Like, I went to this place another time. I’m on the road, and I’m ordering food, and I was done ordering the food, and the guy behind the counter asked me if I wanted a cookie, right? And all of a sudden, I just had this unbelievable urge just to blast this guy right in the face. I’m not trying to be paranoid, but my brain was just sitting there going like, “dude, what kind of a man asks another man if he wants a cookie? This guy thinks you’re soft or something.” “Oh, you want a cookie, huh? You want a cookie there, cupcake?” Who the fuck is he? He doesn’t fuckin’ know you like that. And you know what the sad thing was, was I wanted a cookie. I would have loved one, sitting there with a big glass of milk like a four-year-old. Who doesn’t love a cookie, you know? But I say it. I say I want a cookie. You don’t fuck. I say it. I say I want a cookie. I bring it up, and if you bring it up, you do it subtle. You don’t just yell it across the restaurant. “You want a cookie, you pussy, pussy, pussy?” Yeah, so that’s when I realized I’ve got a… anybody else’s thoughts just wake them up in the middle of the night? You just wake up. “Oh, you know, I don’t think I’m gonna make it,” you know? No, you know, my big move— actually, I’m a lot happier than I used to be, man. I fuck around a lot when I’m up here, but I’m definitely a lot more happier. My big move, you know, I decided I wasn’t gonna go home for the holidays. That was a big thing. I had to. There you go, one guy right there. Yeah, I had to. I don’t know what age you decided not to, but I went home at 39 not married, no kids, and I was just like, “there is no way I am going home at 40. There’s no way. There’s no way.” People aren’t even, like, asking questions. They just look at you weird. Just like, “so you’re just…” “you’re just gonna tell jokes, you know? Talk about disease and wish it on people and make fun of people who like cake. Is that what you’re gonna do? You don’t want to live in a cul-de-sac and have a couple of kids and gradually resent everyone and then take your own life? You don’t want to do that?” Yeah. No, dude, I would love to be married. Like, in my head, it all makes sense. Like, I—you know? I don’t know what happened, but it just—it scares me. When I see married guys, I just get, like, nervous, man, that I’m just gonna be, like, that stereotypical married guy, you know? Just, like, a shell of my former self. You know, every weekend up on that silver ladder just scooping shit out of the gutters. My neighbor coming over, you know. “Hey, Bill, how’s it going?” “Oh, you know, pretty good, pretty good. Yeah, Susie keeps getting bigger, you know. I’ve been wearing this shirt for 11 years. I don’t know what happened to my dreams, you know. I just like coming up here ’cause it’s quiet. Yeah, I just stand up here and think about what might have been. Yeah.” My neighbor’s not even listening to me. He’s all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He’s convinced it was designed by NASA. “Actually, it’s got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the cold.” Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That’s all I really care about you and your little garden hose. Little Things Now, I know I just sort of mentioned killing myself there. I don’t want to freak you out, all right, because I did that joke when I was down in the BIBLE BELT, and I was down south, and this girl took me really seriously. She came up to me at the end of the show, and she’s like, “you’re not really thinking about doing something like that, are you? You’re not really…” and I was like, “No, no, no. I’m just joking. I’m just joking.” She goes, “good, ’cause, you know, you can’t go to heaven if you do something like that.” And I was just like, “yeah, you know, I really don’t give a shit, you know?” It’s not that I don’t. I just like freaking out people that are that religious, that have a whole little checklist. “Shit if you do this, you go here, and if you do that…” How do you know that? You don’t know that. Shut up, you know? I think it’s a very normal thought. I think it’s a very normal thought to think about killing yourself, you know? I do. You know what’s weird? Anytime I think about killing myself, it’s never over anything big. It’s always little things. Little things make me want to take myself out. It’s bizarre. Like, if my girlfriend broke up with me, I’m not gonna lie to you. I would be devastated, devastated. I’d be laying on the ground crying in the fetal position for, like, three days, you know. But, you know, by the fourth day, you know, I’d rub one out, you know, start putting the pieces back together. I know what I’ve got to do, join a gym, lie to myself that I’m gonna get the six-pack back. I know what I’ve got to do, all right? But little things. I thought about killing myself, like, a year ago on Thanksgiving. And you know why it was? It was because I said i was gonna make a pie. That little statement made me think about taking myself out. This is how it works. This is basically the deal, right? My girlfriend’s an angel. She absolutely loves the holidays, so it was, like, two weeks before Thanksgiving, so she’s all excited. She’s like, “oh, my God. Thanksgiving’s coming up.” I’m sitting there trying to watch the game. “Thanksgiving. What are you gonna do for Thanksgiving,” right? And I started freaking out. Like, I didn’t think I had to do anything for Thanksgiving, you know? I just thought I had to, you know, not get drunk and be belligerent around your friends. I thought I was fine. She’s like, “no, I’m gonna make a turkey. I’m gonna make stuffing. What are you gonna do?” So I panicked. I’m like, “I’ll fuckin’ make a pie.” I don’t know how to make a pie. I was just trying to make her go away, you know? You ever do that? You just agree with them thinking it will make them leave? Like, “awesome, what you said, high five, fuck off,” and you go back to watching the game. Yeah. No, but it totally worked. It totally worked, because she walked away completely excited. She was, like, you know, ran away all excited, and I totally forgot about it, right? Two weeks later, Thanksgiving comes up, right? She just wakes up. She’s like, “oh, my God. It’s Thanksgiving. It’s Thanksgiving. You’re gonna make that pie, right? You said you were gonna make a pie.” I was like, “fuck.” I’ve got to make a pie. I’ve got to go to the grocery store. I’ve got to buy some flour. Then I just started thinking, “man, what if I just slammed my head right through this plate glass window and just bled out right down the side of the house, you know? I wouldn’t have to make the pie.” So it’s not even like I’m suicidal. It’s more like I’m, like, lazy. You know what I mean? Like, whenever I know the next four hours of my life is gonna suck, I think about it. “God, I’ve got to pay my taxes. There’s a long line at the bank,” and then a bus is coming by. “What if I just dove headfirst right into those double back tires?” Anybody else? You ever think about shit like that? You know what gets me? Ceiling fans. Somebody’s telling me some stuff I don’t want to do. “You’re gonna need two forms of I.D. We need your birth certificate.” And a ceiling fan’s behind the head. I’ll be, “I’ll get right on that.” Doing, doing, doing. What Are You, A Fag? So anyway, so I decided not to go home for the holidays. That’s what I’m really trying to tell you here. No, I did. I kind of came to this epiphany. I’m like, “man, I’m 41 years old. My dad had five kids by the time he was my age. I’ve got to get on with my life here.” So I was, like, going, “you know what? I’m not working Thanksgiving. I’m not working Christmas. I’m not working New Year’s.” and it was, like, the middle of October, and I was like, “wait a minute. What about Halloween?” Then my brain was like, “you know what? Fuck this. I’m getting a pumpkin,” right? That’s how angry my brain is. I can’t be just like, “you know what? Hey, let’s get a pumpkin.” It’s got to be, “you know what? Fuck this. Let’s get a pumpkin.” That’s what I started thinking. I’m carving that shit. I’m handing out candy to the kids. I’m meeting them at the door. Hey, what are you supposed to be, huh? Oh, yeah? Full-size snickers, bam. Who does that? Who does that? Nobody, nobody. I will break your fuckin’ bag with my candy, huh? AC/DC pumpkin. You ever seen that before? You haven’t right? You tell all your friends where you seen that shit. What are you, leaned to one side? That’s heavy. Here’s another candy bar. You’ll be like dumbbells, walk right down the stairs. This is how much of a maniac I am. Do you know—this is all true. It took me four trips to go to the supermarket to finally be able to buy this goddamned pumpkin, because every time I would walk in there to get it, I’d be thinking all these happy thoughts. “This is a great thing. I’m embracing the holidays. It’s gonna bring me and my girlfriend together. This is a very loving thing to do.” And I reach out and grab it, and all I hear in the back of my head is, “what are you, a fag?” And then immediately, I had to turn around and walk out. All right, let me explain that joke to functional people in the crowd, let me explain this. All right… This is how it works with guys. Any time you do anything remotely sensitive, heartwarming, anything that’s gonna make you more of a loving, caring individual, immediately, all your guy friends suggest that maybe, just maybe, you want to suck a dick. Oh, it’s brutal. Even if you do something smart, right, like it’s raining out. “He’s got an umbrella. What a fag. Oh, my God. What, are you afraid of the water? Put your shoulders up, you fuckin’ homo. Jesus Christ. What, did you pull that thing out of your ass?” Oh, it’s brutal. It doesn’t even have to make sense. “You carved a pumpkin? What do you do next, carve some guys ass with your cock? What a fag. What, are you gonna blow a scarecrow? Dude, get away from me with your gay little pumpkin.” Oh, it’s brutal. “Dude, what are you, a fag” is the reason why guys drop at 55 out of fuckin’ nowhere. It’s literally from five decades of just suppressing the urge to, like, hug a puppy, admit a baby’s cute, say you want a cookie. You’ve just got to keep pushing it down like, “fuck them. I’m not sucking dick. I’m not sucking dick.” all right? Yeah. No, no, no, no, and then one day—one day, you’re in a Denny’s, and they forget to put bananas in your pancakes. You just have, like, an aneurism, and your head slams off that sticky table, and the last thing you hear before it all goes black is your friends go, “he got bananas in his pancakes. What a fag. Oh, my God. It wasn’t sweet enough with the syrup, you fairy? Hey, bring another one over whole and shove it up his ass, right? Yeah, ’cause it looks like a dick, right? It looks like a dick. Yeah, I thought it, and then I said it. I’m awesome. Yeah.” Oh, it’s a horrible, horrible way to live your life. You can’t—you’re just dying every day. Just every dumb thing that you can do as a guy, any stupid thing that’s gonna shorten your life makes you more of a man. Fuckin’ zero degrees out. You don’t have a coat on. “Dude, you cold?” You can’t admit it. “No, I’m not cold. Dude, I’m not cold. I’m just thinking of something I really agree with,” you know. No. I’m trying to let go of this ball of hate in my chest. That’s why I don’t have any kids. I don’t. I think it’s irresponsible to be a complete maniac, not work on yourself, and then just have a kid, and then just start downloading all your fucked-up thoughts onto their pristine little hard drive, you know? You send them off to school with your little—your little manifestos. They’re freaking out other kids at school. “Two plus two, Timmy. What did you get?” “Daddy keeps cash in the walls, because he doesn’t trust banks.” Yeah. No, it’s embarrassing to know this little about yourself at my age, man. I’ve got to get beyond— like, do you know how I finally ended up getting that pumpkin? You know how I did it? I actually had to bring my girlfriend down to the supermarket, and I had to walk her by the pumpkins, because I knew the second I did it, she was gonna freak out, and she did. The second she saw them, she was just like, “oh, my God, a pumpkin. Halloween’s coming up. We should get a pumpkin. Oh, my God, let’s get a pumpkin.” She starts doing, like, this little pumpkin dance, and I had this unbelievable urge just to take her head and just fuckin’ mush it right into the pumpkins and really hold it there for a second, like, feel the panic in the back of her head as the air bubbles became, like, less and less frequent as she sat there contemplating, “is this how it’s gonna end, pumpkin seeds up my nose? I always envisioned being surrounded by loved ones looking back on achievements. It’s so orange.” No, I resented her. I resented the fact she gets to be a fag. She does. She gets to see pumpkins. “Oh, my God.” Right? Sees a little puppy. “It’s so cute.” Cries at sad movies. I’ve got to hold on to all of that shit, slowly dying inside. Go out to go see a sad movie, comes to the sad part. What do I do? She’s crying. I’ve got to think of some funny shit. “Ah, what if somebody kicks Sean Penn in the balls right now? Ah-ha-ha.” I start laughing. And then they get mad at you. “how could you laugh during a time like this?” because I’m not fuckin’ allowed. That’s right. That’s right. Thank you, sir. I like how you’re turning this into a town meeting, this guy down here. “that’s right. That’s exactly it. I always wanted to cry when I was watching lifetime, but, you know, I was never allowed to.” Toddlers […] My Theories […] Free Dog I got a dog recently, everybody. That’s, like, the big thing. Yes, I did. I’m psyched. I went down to the pound. I got one of those free dogs, free dog. That’s how I say it too. I don’t say, “I rescued a dog.” I hate when people say that stuff. They say, “she’s a rescue. I rescued her.” Really? Did you pull her out of a burning building?” “Did you jump in a river with your wing tips still on with no concern for your own safety, or did you just go down to the pound and get a free dog, you cheap fuck? Isn’t that what you did?” I actually—I did not want to get a rescue dog. I did not want to do that. My girl was all about it. She was like, “we should rescue a dog. Do you want to rescue a dog?” I’m like, “no, no, I don’t.” She’s like, “why not? I go, “because i think a lot of the dogs down at the pound might be a little fucked in the head. You ever thought about that?” Dude, the shelter is not a pet store. That is like shawshank for a golden retriever. Why don’t we just go down to the prison and rescue an inmate and just roll the dice that maybe the guy was wrongly convicted? Are you out of your mind? Fuck that. I want a brand-new 2009 bulldog, all right? I don’t want some 1995 half-a-labrador with part of its ear chewed off, you know? I’ve got to put together its backstory. Every time I go to use the toaster, it starts freaking out, because his last owner hung him from the ceiling fan every time the jets didn’t cover the over, you know? Dude, that’s an animal, man. That thing can kill you. Dude, a rabid squirrel, how fast a squirrel is. If I was walking home at night minding my own business, but all of a sudden, some squirrel starting running at me, by the time I process like, “is that a rat? Is that mechanical?” that dude would be up my leg taking chunks out of the side of my head. I’d have to tell that story for the rest of my life in a bar. “Dude, what happened to the side of your head?” “A fuckin’ squirrel, all right? Christ, you don’t think I’m sensitive?” No, I’m not trying to say all those dogs are bad down there, but what if I accidentally get one of those cujos or old yellers, right? I’m telling you, they love dogs down there so much, you’ve got to watch out what they tell you. I was down there. There was this one dog. This thing was staring at me so goddamned hard, maniac-looking dog. I’m like, “what’s up with this dog?” she was just like, “oh, he was chained to pallette in a junkyard his entire life.” And I’m like, “does it have any issues?” she’s like, “he’s a little aggressive.” It’s like, “well, were you gonna tell me that shit? Were you just gonna thrown it in my hatchback and let me figure it out on the ride home?” The thing’s pulling out a sharpened toothbrush to stick in my neck. No, that’s what I’m saying. What if I accidentally get one of those crazy dogs, I get up at 2:00 in the morning to take a leak, and that is the exact moment its previous owner used to come home shit-faced, beat the crap out of the dog? I have no idea what I’m setting off. I’m sitting there shuffling along in my slippers, tying my robe. Meanwhile, the dog’s getting all amped up like, “fuck this shit, man. I promised myself I wouldn’t let this happen again. It’s time to man-up. Let’s do this on three. One, two, three.” Augh! It comes flying at me. I’m gonna be laying in the ground in a pool of my own blood. What are they gonna do with the dog? They’re gonna take him right back down to the pound like some sort of repeat offender. You’re gonna see him on the news in, like, shackles, like, shuffling along. “We knew you’d be back.” “Yeah, get me a milk-bone. Go fuck yourself.” You’re gonna wheel him in like Hannibal Lecter with that lamp shade around his neck. “Ahh, ahh, ah-ah-ah-ahh.” Sarah McLachlan Yeah, so we have, like, this stalemate, you know. I wanted the brand-new bulldog, you know, and she kept seeing that Sarah McLaughlin commercial, getting all sad, you know? Oh, they ought to get sued for false advertisement in that thing. I swear to God. They handpicked those dogs, the cutest little fuzzy… “I just want to play frisbee,” those cute little, innocent little Dr. Seuss-looking dogs. Where are the pit bulls? Where are the rottweilers? Where are those maniacs you see lifting weights down at the shelter? they’ve got the saddest-looking dogs ever, and she’s whining over the top of them. In the arms of an angel Whoo-whoo-whooo, boo-boo-boo Those dogs are looking all sad at the camera. “My last owner wasn’t a nice person.” The most ridiculous bandages, like they were in Saving Private Ryan, that Three Stooges rabbit ear. “I have a toothache.” Did Shemp own that dog? What happened? I love that when it’s all wrapped up like a mummy. It’s like, how? What, did it get hit by a cannonball during a civil war reenactment? Did a tyrannosaurus pick it up? “Ahh-ahh-ahh, poof,” spit it out. My favorite one is that one-eyed pug. Oh, there’s a great dog. Yeah, bring that over to the kids. I’m sure that won’t freak them out at all. “Mommy, did you get us a dog?” “Arrgh, arrgh.” “Just let him sniff you. Just let him sniff you. Do not approach him from the right. Do not approach him from the right. Just let him sniff you. Come around. It becomes an entirely different animal when you do that. Just know you come from—come from the left. His name is Pooky. We’re gonna call him Pooky now.” So she was into that. I wanted to get the bulldog. That was my thing. I was, like, I wanted to get the bulldog, but then i started researching on the bulldogs. They’ve got all these health problems, man. From day one, they can’t even breathe. They come out into the world. It’s like they’ve been working with asbestos their entire life, you know? It’s unbelievable. They can’t even breathe. You’ve got to have them sleeping upright in this lazy-boy rubbing Vicks vaporub on their chest. They’ve got, like, sleep apnea. They die nine times every night. Why don’t I just rescue a retired offensive lineman while I’m at it? “Yeah, this is Jim Jeffcoat. We’re gonna call him Larry for the rest of his life for some stupid reason.” Hell Hound Didn’t know what to do, so we were at a stalemate, so my girl did what most females do. They just figure, “I know it’s good for him. I know it’s gonna make him happy. I’m gonna make a major decision without him, and then he’s gonna deal with it.” Yeah, that’s how i got a dog. I got a dog when i was on the road. I was on the road, and I just had a message on my machine. It was just, “boop,” and it was her, and she’s just like, “um, okay, um, I did something, um, kind of involves both of us, but I think you’re gonna love it. Just give me a call. Okay, bye.” Now, does that sound like, “I just signed you up for a 12- to 15-year commitment”? That doesn’t sound like that, right? That sounds like, “I bought a new outfit, and I’m gonna drag you to some awful restaurant during a play-off game,” right? That’s what it felt like, so I’m ready for that argument. She tells me she went out, and she got a dog. Now, half of me isn’t upset, you know, ’cause, “you got a rescue dog?” “Yeah, we have it for a week, and, you know, if you want to keep it, you can.” So I go, “let me see it,” so we started Skypeing, and she pans around. You know what she got? She got a pit bull. I swear to god. She got—I’m like, “you got a pit bull. Are you out of your fuckin’ mind? You got a pit bull?” she goes, “it’s not a pit bull. It’s a mix.” Mixed with what, another pit bull? Look at that thing. It looks like it’s been doing pull-ups its entire life.” It’s front paws were still taped up. It’s, like, shadowboxing in the background. It’s been p90xin’. It’s a pit bull. Jesus Christ. And she says, like, “no, he’s sweet.” She said, “no, she’s adorable,” and all this stuff. Oh, this is the worst part. I wasn’t getting home for three days, you know, and she’s all wrapped up in this dog, you know, and I’m like, “I don’t get home for three days. What happens when I get home on Monday and you have to go to work?” She goes, “well, I just figured I’d drive to work, and you could just come home to the apartment and meet the dog that way.” I’m like, “are you out of your mind? I’m not coming home to that. That dog is bonding with you. It thinks you guys live there. I’m gonna come walking in and have my calf ripped off because I’m trying to show my name on the phone bill? No, it’s not going down like that.” So she’s like, “well, what do I do?” “I’ll tell you what you do. You take that hell hound, you put it in the goddamned car, drive it to work. Park in the shade. Do whatever you’ve got to do. I’m coming home to a safe house, and then you drive home with the dog. Call me when you’re a half-mile away. I’ll meet you and Cujo down in the driveway. We will all walk in together. I will be in the front to show that I am the pack leader, because I watched half an episode of the dog whisperer, and I think that that’s what you’re supposed to do, I think. I don’t know. Oh, it’s all true, right? So I go down to the driveway, and I see the dog. It’s a beautiful dog. It’s literally, like, walking like a marine or some shit like it’s sneaking into something. And I’m like, “okay, here we go,” turning my back on a pit bull that I don’t even know that turns out they didn’t get it to shelter. They found it by the L.A. River. It lived by the L.A. River for two weeks, and my girl’s response to that was like, “isn’t that sad?” “No, it’s fuckin’ scary.” “Why is it scary?” “Well, obviously, it got enough protein, so it wasn’t eating berries out there. That thing was choking out coyotes, you know, breaking the necks of squirrels. I don’t know what it was doing, but it definitely was—you brought a murderer into the house. Why don’t you just rescue an alligator while you’re at it just to add to the excitement?” So we get the dog in the damn house, and it’s exactly what I thought was gonna happen. The dog’s sitting there looking at her, and then it’s looking at me and then looking at her like, “who the hell’s the new guy,” right? The new guy is the guy paying the fuckin’ rent, and I was getting no respect, so I was just like, right there, I was just like, “I know what she’s doing. I know what she’s doing. She’s bringing this dog home, because she thinks I’m gonna fall for it, and then we’ll just have the dog.” And it’s just, like, I love animals, okay, but I’m not gonna live with one that can fuckin’ kill me, you know? Rescue a chihuahua, so when it flips out because i grabbed the remote too quickly, I can flick it off the goddamned table or something, you know? So that’s what I was doing. We got it for a week. We got it for a week, and then we make our decision, so I just shut down emotionally. I was like, “fuck this dog.” The first two days, I didn’t give a shit, you know. The dog’s sitting there looking at me, you know, and I was just like, Jesus Christ, right, you know? Then on Wednesday, I don’t know what happened. I started to like it a little bit, you know? No, I was watching TV, you know. I always talk to myself. I’m always home alone. I feel like a maniac. I finally had somebody to bounce my ideas off. It was kind of nice, sitting there on TV, “you believe these goddamned bankers steal a trillion dollars, and they get a bonus—and they get a bonus?” The dog’s sitting there looking at me, you know. But I’m fighting it. “God damn it. I think I like this dog a little bit,” you know? It’s making me want to work out, you know? I asked it a question. “How do you get these muscles? What do you do for these, a wheel crank? What are you doing?” And then by Thursday, you know, I’m getting out in the air. I’m walking the dog, and I’m like, “god damn it. I think I love this dog. This is fuckin’…” You know, I don’t know if you ever walked a pit bull. You owe to your life at some point in your life to walk a pit bull down the street. I’m telling you, it’s the greatest experience ever. People just get the fuck out of the way. It’s unreal. Three, four blocks away, they see me coming. They just immediately cross the street. It’s tremendous. I don’t know why black people complain about that. I love having the whole side of the street to myself. It’s great. I feel like a king. Oh, it’s awesome. It’s the greatest thing ever. Pit bulls are the shit. It’s like a gun you can pet. It’s the only way to describe it. It’s awesome. They make you want to p90x or something. Just get in better shape. So then by Friday—I mean, by Friday, the dog was literally messing up my relationship. My poor girl is sitting on the couch by herself. I’m sitting there spooning with the dog. “Oh, this dog is awesome. This dog is awesome. Watch me get her leg going. Watch me get her leg going.” I don’t know what happened. In four days, I went from “fuck this dog,” to, “oh, my god. This thing is gonna die someday. How am I emotionally gonna be able to deal with it?” Oh, I love it, absolutely. I carry it around like a baby. Oh, it’s the greatest thing ever. You come home. It’s shaking his tail. It’s all excited, like, “dude, you’re fuckin’ awesome,” you know? It’s like, “dude, you have no idea how much I need that,” you know? It’s tremendous, and you can’t appreciate how awesome a dog is as a kid. You can only do it as an adult. As a kid, there’s, like, no frame of reference. It’s, like, you’re a kid. Your whole life is awesome. It’s awesome, right? You ever think about being a kid? You had no money. You had no I.D., no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren’t scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult, all your I.D., all your credit cards, just run out of the house, no phone, turn the corner, where you can’t see your house and not have a full-on panic attack, like, “oh, my god. What if something happens to me? I’ll get locked up. No one will know who I am. What if I twist my ankle?” Your whole life is awesome as a kid, right? You show up, no money. You just get stuff, real cheese, movie tickets, right? Why wouldn’t a dog be awesome? Everything is awesome. It’s not till you’re an adult that you appreciate it, right? Your dreams start dying. Somebody cheats on you, right? Bankers fuck up up your 401 (k), you know, and then you come home, and that dog’s looking at you like, “dude, you’re awesome,” and it’s like, “no, dude, you—you are fuckin’ awesome. You are the shit.” No, it’s the greatest thing ever, absolutely. No, it’s unreal. It’s unreal. But poor girlfriend. She’s sitting there going, “Jesus Christ, you love the dog more than you love me.” I was like, “well, sweetie, you’re not at the back door shaking your ass every time I come home.” It’s a really a tough—no matter what time, 4:00 in the morning drunk. The dog doesn’t give a shit. “Hey, that’s awesome. Whoo.” Old Man Face And I’m 41 years old, and if I’m lucky, you know what I realized? I’m halfway through my shit right now. I’m halfway through my life, so, you know, I’m getting nervous, you know, about dying, you know, just growing old, man. I was never really nervous about till I got to this age, and, you know—you know what it was? I went to my grandmother’s 100-year birthday party, and I quickly realized that women age a lot better towards the end, you know? Guys, we hang with them in the beginning, because we’re young, and then in the middle, they’re having kids, so we kind of pass them, but that end, that last third, we’re like the stock market. We just—we just go right down to the ground. It’s brutal. I went to this party. All the old ladies there were unbelievably sharp. They were still playing cards. They were right there. But some of the old dudes, man, they were brutal, you know? You ever see a guy, like, so old, he has, like, that permanent look of horror on his face? You know what I mean? A couple of guys walked in. They looked okay. “How ya doin’?” Then there’s always that one guy that just comes walking in just like… dude, even when they’re sitting down meeting people. “And this is my grandson Bill.” It’s like, “dude, how much pain are you in that you constantly have a look on your face like that shit from the Ring just crawled out of your TV set?” Dude, that’s got to be— you’re, like, so old, like, everything hurts. You’re just standing up. You’re like, “Ahh, my feet.” You go to lean on something. “Ahh, my arm.” Even, like, blinking, like, air hurts. “Hee-aaaaahh.” Dude, fuckin’ kill me. Kill me if I ever end up like that. Dude, I’ll fuckin’ kill myself. I’ll rock myself down a flight of stairs. I’ll lean back, hit my head on a sink, whatever I’ve got to do. I told you, I already think about killing myself twice a week at this age. There is no fuckin’ way I’m going out like that. At the end of my life, I’m walking around… And everyone else has that panicked, “oh, fuck. Is it going down?” Look on their face. I don’t know how you do it. How do you wake up every morning brushing your teeth? How do fight the urge to not just jam that toothbrush right down your throat? I’ll tell you what kills me, was, only the old guys had that look on their face. None of the old ladies did. Some of the old ladies had a look of, like, mild disappointment, you know? Just sitting there like… you know, like they always wanted to go to Europe, but they never got around to it. But only the old guys had, like, that… dude, it was almost like they wanted to tell you a secret. Like, “where’s the gold?” “can you remember the combination?” What is that? Somebody said it’s, like, a mild form of dementia or it’s, you know? You know what I think it’s from? I think it’s from being married for 60 years, getting nagged every day, and never once looking at your wife being like, “you know what? How about you shut the fuck up? How about that? Hey, I got it. You’re not happy. Well, then fuckin’ leave.” Is it that, or do they, like, wear you down? I think they wear you down, because I know as a young man, I had a lot more spring in my step. Young guys, your girl gives you shit, you know, you can go for a drive. “Where’s this relationship going? This feels weird. We need to talk.” “Hey, fuck you, lady.” You get in the car and go for a drive, punch the ceiling a couple times. You scream out the window, “bitch,” you know? You get it out. You get it out before your face gets all twisted up. Get it out. Ah, I’m back to me. Yeah, yeah, all right. Then what happens? What happens? You stay in the relationship. You stay in the relationship, right? You get married. 15 years later, you’ve got a couple of kids. You’ve got a little gut going, all right? She starts in on you with that whole laundry list of stuff you’ve got to do because you’re married. “Susie has ballet practice. It gets over at 2:00. Make sure you’re there at 2:00. You were there at 2:02 the other day, and she was very upset. No, you were. You were. I actually documented the record on my Facebook page and…” and you want to give her an uppercut. You want to give her an uppercut. No, it’s a natural thought. It’s a natural thought. But you don’t. You never lead with an uppercut. You set it up with the jab. You get inside. You come right up through the cleavage. You rock that head back. You send her right across the linoleum, take that dirty pistol out. You lay it next to her, wipe off the door handle. No, I’m fuckin’ with you. No, you don’t do that. No, you don’t. You never hit a woman. You should never hit a woman. You’re gonna get caught. You’re gonna go to jail. You’re gonna get raped. It’s awful, you know. You don’t do that, right? But what do you do now? What are you gonna do now, right? You’re married, right? You can’t yell, ’cause your kids are there. You can’t go for a drive. You don’t have a cool car anymore. You’ve got, like, some caravan with those sticky children of the corn handprints all over the windshield. So what do you do? You go down in the basement, and you just do that, like, whisper yelling. Fuck this. Fuck this. And then I think just one day, you’re just too old. You’re just too old. You’re tired. You’ve been married, like, 60 years. Your body’s breaking down. You blew your knee out at the “y” playing pickup ball, like, 30 years earlier in the 50-and-older league, you know, and you just want to watch the game, and she comes in that one last time, right, just to annoy you. Just picking on you. “And you were always mean to my mother, and I always resented you for it. Why couldn’t you have been more like your brother,” right? And you start to—”you know what? Fuck this. I’m not listening to this,” right? And you go to get up, and that’s when it hits you that they day before was the last day you had the quad strength to get up and out of your favorite chair, and that’s when the panic sets in. You’re like, “oh, shit. Dude, I can’t get up. Oh, my god. I’ve got to listen to this for the rest of my life.” No, that’s what it is. That’s what it is. No, a lot of people don’t realize those old guys are actually trying to escape. That’s what they’re doing. Like, “is she looking? Am I gonna make it? Avenge meee!!!” Listen, I’m out of time. You guys were awesome. Thank you so, so much for coming out. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

1686241363-16

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Tom Segura: Mostly Stories (2016) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-segura-mostly-stories-2016-full-transcript/

[soft piano music plays] [Tom] I love being a stand-up comedian. It’s the best job in the world. And I love being an L.A. comic. Bam! Alfred the assassin. As a comic, what you’re supposed to do is live your life and report it. [woman] Anytime I do something nice for you, you shit on me! When is that?! I love the whole process. [woman] You have a little dick. Writing. Performing. Figuring out how to make a joke work. It’s the best. But most of all, I love meeting the people of this city. They always inspire me. [shouting] Hey! Tom Segura! Bite me in my ass, man! Aah! You have to do it! I love them. They have nothing but admiration for me. [speaks foreign language] Yeah, after work we can do whatever, man. [speaks foreign language] I just know there’s no stopping us. Hey! Who this fat-ass nigger right here? What’s up, fat boy? ‘Sup? Making a food show, bitch? No. You should. Bam! ‘Cause you fat as fuck! This fat motherfucker right here, man. You got pancake titties. You do! Fuck this city. I’m re-shooting this thing. Eat a dick, Paul Blart. This fat motherfucker, man. [man] Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Segura! [cheers and applause] [up-tempo music playing] [music continues] [Tom] What up? Thank you! Thank you, guys. Thank you very much. It’s great to be in Seattle. [crowd roars] Yes. One of my favorite places, and I am fucking falling apart. All right, um… I hate who I’m becoming, socially. Like, all my social interactions, I’m disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth. Like, I start weather chats with people all the time now, like, ugh. I got off the plane here, and the guy that picks me up at the airport, I was like, “It rains a lot here, huh?” [laughter] And I swear, there’s another voice in my head going, “You’re a piece of shit for this conversation.” [laughter] What’s the guy supposed to say? He’s in the car and he’s like, “Yeah…” [laughter] “…it does. And you’re a real piece of shit for this, just so you know.” I wanted to abort, I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn’t. Like, “I’m from Southern California, we sure could use it.” [chuckles] [laughter] And he was like, “I’ll run us off the fucking road. I’ll kill us both, I swear to God I will.” God forbid I meet a tall person now, like— If you’re over six-four, there’s no way I’m not addressing it. I’m gonna be like, “Wow, you’re tall.” [laughter] “Do you like basketball? Yeah? Is that your thing? I have a friend that’s tall.” Dude, you just told a grown man you have a fucking friend that’s tall. Like, what’s next? “My dad’s super strong? I bet he’s stronger than your dad.” [laughter] Ugh. It’s better than my dad’s actual small talk, which is awkwardly racial small talk. It’s not racist, but it involves race. Um… Like, we’re at a restaurant and, you know, the server walks up and she’s Asian. My dad will be like, “You Chinese?” [laughter] And she’s like, “No, I’m Korean.” “Oh, I was in Vietnam.” And I’m like… [laughter] “What are you doing?” “What? I was.” “I know. What does that have to do with anything?” Then he goes, “Lot fewer of them when I left, if you know what I mean.” – I’m like, “Oh, man.” [laughter] [whistles] Well… “Yeah, it was two Diet Cokes, we’re gonna wrap it up pretty quick.” Dude, if he meets a black guy, shut it the fuck down, okay? ‘Cause, it’s gonna get weird. Like… Dude, I see it. A black guy starts talking to us and my dad’ll be like… [laughter] I can see it in his eyes, like a clock’s ticking down. And I’m like, “How weird are you about to be with him?” He looks like a dog, when you show a dog a treat and you’re like, “Sit still.” And the dog’s like… [laughter] “I work with a black guy!” Ohh. Ohh. [laughter] Oh, man. “Yeah, Carl. You know him? I don’t know… Thought you knew each other. I don’t know. I don’t know him. He works in the building.” You’re like, “Fuck.” Jesus. Speaking of dads, I’m gonna be a dad. Isn’t that crazy? [crowd cheers] I know. Well… You know, not my fucking problem. You know what I mean? Um… [laughter] That’s your kid. So… No, I’m gonna stick around. I wanna see what it looks and stuff. [laughter] Just for a second. But… So crazy, man. All I did was, I didn’t pull out. And then… [laughter] Now I’m gonna be a dad. So nuts. Isn’t that crazy? As a man, all you do is you dump inside of a girl and then… there’s life? That’s a pretty crude way of putting that. I’m sorry. But… that’s what happens. Let’s just talk about how good that feels. I… [laughter] Dude, I’ve been pulling out for years. And no comp— No orgasm— You don’t have an org— and you’re like, “Oh, that sucks.” Like, it’s still— It feels great. But when you leave it in? Dude. [laughter] Here’s all I’m saying. If you’re a pull-out guy, next time? Don’t. [laughter] Even if she tells you to. Be like, “I forgot.” [laughter] And she’ll whine about it. [whines] “What if I’m pregnant? My career!” And you’ll be like, “Is law school on hold? All right. Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut.” [mixed laughter] Guys! I’m joking. I’m joking. [laughter] [crowd cheers] Joke. I’m not joking. But… [laughter] God, it feels so good! I can’t even— I can’t even describe how much better it feels. The best I’ve come up with is, remember when you were a kid, and the first time you tried something with melted cheese, and you were like, “What the fuck?” [laughter] “This is the same thing?” And they’re like, “Same shit.” And you’re like, “This is amazing! I can have this whenever I want?” “Mm-hm. Whenever you want. Just eight, ten seconds and it’s your world, man.” You’re like, “Oh, my God!” It’s like that, but down here. [laughter] Feels so good. Ohh. Here’s what a piece of shit I am. I… I have been fantasizing a lot about people asking me how I lost the weight that I haven’t lost yet. [laughter] And, like, I just have so many answers. Like, I really enjoy doing— In my head, I’m like, “Dude, it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle.” [laughter] “Just gotta make smarter choices, man. I mean, drink more water. Look at me, I’ve never felt better. I have so much energy. If I can do it, you can do it.” And then I eat chocolate soufflé, as I have— [imitates chewing sounds] [laughter] Like, “Well, next year I’ll probably be ready for this conversation.” Fucking asshole. I don’t even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be healthy. I don’t. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again. [laughter] And know for sure that they’re fatter than me. ‘Cause, like, sometimes— Now I’m like anybody, I’ll be like, “Look at this fat fucking asshole.” And someone’ll be like, “You’re fatter.” And I’m like, “Oh. Really?” And they’re like, “By a lot!” [laughter] “You should want his body.” And I’m like, “Ah, fuck, man.” Since I’m gonna have a kid, I don’t want to be the fat dad. Remember when we were in elementary school, in like fifth grade? You’re like, “Hey, look at Billy’s fat fuckin’ dad.” [laughter] [chortles] “Fuckin’…” “Just fuckin’ batter him up tonight and eat him, huh, Billy’s dad?” Just don’t want to be that guy. I got a trainer. They gave me a trainer. That’s a better way of saying that. I joined a gym, and they go, “Do you want a free training session?” I was like, “Okay. What does it normally cost?” And they’re like, “Like $900.” I was like, “Wow, that’s a great deal. That’s awesome.” [crowd chuckles] The first session is a bait session. It’s ridiculous. The guy’s like, “Stand up.” Like, “Okay.” He’s like, “Wow, you’re a very powerful athlete.” [laughter] “Were you pro before?” I’m like, “Okay, yes. I think I was.” He goes, “You look like it. Your muscle fibers look really great.” I’m like… He’s like, “Want to do this all the time?” I’m like, “Yeah. Absolutely. This is a good boost for me. I like this a lot.” Second session, way different than the first session. Second session, I’m doing burpies. Like, you jump on the ground then you jump onto a wooden block. I’m running through sand pushing a sled. “And I go, is this SEAL school? What are we doing right now?” [laughter] In the middle of this workout, my trainer goes “Stop!” And I said, “Thank you.” [laughter] He goes, “Know why I told you to stop?” And I go, “Yeah, so you don’t have to give me CPR, I think.” [laughter] And he goes, “No. The Holy Spirit.” “What?” [laughter] And he goes, “The Holy Spirit told me to tell you to stop.” And I go… “What… did I sign up for? What the fuck is this?” And he goes, “Do you believe in Jesus Christ?” And I said, “Is He gonna make me do push-ups?” [laughter] And that right there, he got really mad at that. Like… really upset. He was like, “It’s not all jokes!” “I said one thing. I can’t say one thing? All right.” And he tells me to take the big plate, the 45-pound plate. “Hold it over your head and run down to the pier and back.” And the pier’s, like, three-quarters of a mile. And I go, “Nope.” [laughter] “Not doing that.” He’s like, “You’re quitting? You’re quitting on me?” And I go, “No, I’m not quitting, it’s just that… the Holy Spirit…” [laughter] “…it talks to me, too. And it said there’s no way I’m gonna make this run without throwing up and people laughing at me. So, I’m gonna get a peanut butter protein shake. I’m out, man.” And I took off. I’m not doing that shit. I’m not making fun of you if you’re religious. I think that’s great. Any faith. Christian, Muslim, Jew, what— If you’re a Scientologist, you can go fuck yourself. But… [crowd cheers] Yeah. Because it’s not old. It’s gotta be old. [crowd chuckles] It’s fair to say there’s some times I don’t want to hear about it. You know? Like working out? Um… Getting high. That’s a bummer. Right? Like, when there’s pills and cash and tits out and… someone’s like, “Have you thought about accepting the Lord into your life?” And you’re like, “I’m trying to make bad decisions. Why are you doing this to me?” That and pre-sex. That is the worst. During sex, as-salamu alaykum. – Anything goes. But… [laughter] Pre-sex? Like, right before, and the girl’s like, “Oh! What if God’s watching us?” And you’re like, “What?!” [laughter] “‘What if God is watching us?’ Of course He’s watching us! He sees everything and this is hands-down His favorite shit!” [laughter] [crowd cheering] Yeah. “Quit being a baby, put another knuckle in there and let’s give Him a show!” [laughter] [chuckles] [laughter] Digit play, it’s fun. Get into it. But… let’s be clear about this, guys. We’re not gonna agree on everything. Okay? But we should agree on this. If you bring a baby into a movie theater, you’re a piece of shit. [crowd cheering] Yup. If your reason for doing it is you couldn’t get a babysitter, well, then, you don’t get to go to the movies. That’s how that works. It happened to me in back-to-back movies, which statistically I did not think was possible. First movie, I’m in there five minutes. I’m watching the movie and I hear, “Waaah.” “What?” I turn, and in the row behind me there’s a mother, a father and a baby. Not a child, which I think is an important distinction. It’s a baby. I’m like, “All right, these people are insane. Um… I’ll just ignore this.” Turn back, 30 seconds later, “Waah.” I’m like, “Well, now I have to say something.” Now… I’m polite. So I turn and I go, “Excuse me, are you stabbing your baby right now?” [laughter] “‘Cause it sounds like it.” And the dad goes… [heavy accent] “No, I love the baby.” You picture him, okay? [laughter] “I love him. Pero… no. It’s my baby.” And I said, “Well, could you? ‘Cause I’m trying to watch this movie.” [laughter] “And… your baby’s ruining it.” He’s like, “No, no puedo.” So… [laughter] I get up, I go to the lobby, I see the manager of the theater and I go, “Hey! There’s a fucking baby in there… being a baby right now.” And the manager goes, “Some people suck.” And he walked away. That is the best customer service line I’ve ever heard in my life. Hands down. [cheers and applause] You can’t even get mad! If you’re in a restaurant, been waiting on your food, like, “Where the fuck is my food? I’ve been here half an hour!” And the manager’s like, “Some people suck.” Like, “Oh yeah. Some people suck. I didn’t think about it. My bad. Sorry about that.” I left. I left. The next day, I go back to the movies. I should point out I saw a different movie. It was also a different baby. It’s not the same family standing out front and then they see me and they’re like, “Oh, there he is. Let’s go inside… and ruin this for him again.” This time I am way further into the movie. I’m emotionally invested in this movie. I like the movie. And then, out of nowhere, I hear, “Waah.” This time, I swear to you, I audibly go, “Nuh-uh.” [laughter] And now, other people get involved. You know when you can hear somebody’s age in their voice? Like, I can’t see shit. It’s a dark theater. I just hear a guy go, “Either make it quiet or get it out!” [laughter] That guy’s 140 years old! [laughter] Like, I could hear that he’d never hugged his children. I could hear it in his voice. [laughter] This time, the mother of the baby goes, “Shut up.” And I was like, “Oh shit!” Like… [laughter] “We have a situation.” And then a third person goes, “Shh.” [laughter] What are you doing? “Shush” is passive-aggressive. She said, “Shut up.” Just go straight to “fuck you!” What are you doing? But now… I wanted to be the hero and save the movie. I felt a tremendous sense of injustice. Like, all these movies are being ruined by babies, but… I didn’t realize I was too angry in that moment to um, what is it? Speak English words in a sentence. You know when you get real rage, like— [barks] – Like, just… [crowd chuckles] “Dude…” [barks] Like… [laughter] [growls] Like, you feel it, your throat dries out, and— aah! So I stood up in the theater with the best intentions and I went… “Why is everybody not in the adult movie?!” – Like none of it made sense. [laughter] Everybody’s like, “Who’s that fucking guy? What’s his problem?” I was… I was trying to say, “Let’s be civilized adults.” But instead I went “adult movie.” “Porn’s on now. Cover your baby’s eyes.” [laughter] The next thing, I see a white T-shirt pop up and I’m like, “Well, there’s the dad.” [laughter] Some of you got it. And… He looked around, like, “Who’s talking shit?” And I was like, “I’m talking shit, bitch.” I didn’t say it, but he knew what was up. But then… [laughter] I went out the exit immediately cause I’m not getting my ass kicked over The Lego Movie, so I left. [cheering] You guys, are you ever just tired of being alive? Know what I mean? Like… [crowd chuckles] I’m not suicidal. I just feel like I’ve done a lot and I’ve seen a lot. And now I’m like, – “Let’s wrap this shit up. Like…” [laughter] Right? Like, how many fucking days are there? [laughter] I want to skip a grade. Remember… elementary school, and you get to the first day of, whatever, third grade, and you’re like, “Where’s Brian?” They’re like, “He skipped.” “Excuse me? How?” They’re like, “He can add like a motherfucker. I don’t know. He just… Four, eight, twelve. He gets it.” [laughter] And then you go, “I want to skip.” And they’re like— [chuckling] “Don’t even think about that. Think about other shit.” I’d love to skip in real life. That would be the best program, if they were like, “If you kill it this year, you have the best year, at the end of the year, a magical fairy or government official will come to your house… and they go, ‘You crushed it this year.'” – And you’re like, “I know.” [crowd chuckles] Then they’re like, “Now you can skip as many years as you want.” I’d be like, “What the fuck?! Really?” “Mm-hmm. How many do you want to skip?” “Thirty?” Just land at retirement. I don’t wanna live much longer than that anyways. Seventy. Maybe 71. You know? Seventy so I can be “officially old” and experience old guy stuff, like people talking to me like I’m a pet, and, um… [laughter] You ever see that? When they’re like, “Hey, hey. How you doing? You’re so good. Would you like me to get you anything?” Like, “Yeah. Put some water in my bowl. What the fuck is this shit?” Like… [laughter] But I don’t want to live much longer than that. I mean, I hear people in conversation go, “I want to live to be a hundred.” Really? Have you seen 80? I mean, my dad has a friend that’s 87. He looks like a goblin. Okay? [laughter] He is terrifying to look at. And he knows it. He’s like, “I’m coming around the corner. Don’t look at me.” He knows it. [laughter] It’s scary. Here’s how much it sucks to be that old. When he was 84, he stopped taking his heart medication. And I go, “Why did you do that?” And he goes, “I don’t want to be here.” [laughter] If you see him now, you’re like, “How you doing?” “Unfortunately, alive.” [laughter] “But He won’t take me.” [laughter] The only thing I have going for me with that old stuff is that I will be the best old guy. I already know it. Like, I have their personality. I’m anti-social as shit. I don’t want to do anything. Like… whenever anybody says to me, “Hey, man. Do you wanna go check out the—” I go, “No to the rest of your sentence. Whatever it is, I don’t want to do it.” I don’t want to meet new people. Not one more, as long as I live, for the rest of my life. That’s the same as old people. Try it if you want. Be like, “Hey, Grandpa! I want you to meet Steve.” And he’ll go, “Fuck Steve.” [laughter] “I know everybody I need to know. Gonna watch my shows.” [blows raspberry] [laughter] Know what I really want? I want to be that old— I don’t know if it’s an age, it’s just a way of being old. There’s a certain level of old where you get yelled at for trying to be helpful. That looks awesome. Know what I mean? When an old guy’s like, “I’m gonna take out the trash.” And someone’s like, “Are you out of your fucking mind? Your spine’ll snap. Sit down!” – “Okay.” [laughter] “I tried. I’m sorry.” [laughter] That looks amazing. I really want that old guy confidence that I see… in the locker room. Yeah. That’s another thing. [laughter] Dude. Another thing I’ve noticed since joining the gym, there’s two types of guys: Guys that are 65 and older, and then guys that cover their dicks. Because old guys… do not. It’s crazy! The first few days, I thought it was peacocking. Like showing off, you know? ‘Cause I saw some fucking hammers where you walk in and you’re like, “Whoa, yeah!” [laughter] “I wouldn’t wear pants either. Nice work, pal.” [laughter] But then, like the third day, I saw a guy, he had just like the cutest little thing. [laughter] And he was just like all on the— He was like, “Oil prices are crazy right now.” [laughter] I’m like, “Dude, you have a little grain of rice. You don’t give a shit?” He didn’t. He didn’t care. I want that confidence. I don’t even know how it’s attainable. Like, if I know anyone’s gonna see it, I’m gonna… you know? [laughter] Give it a smack. [laughter] And then you go, “Huh. There’s an inch.” [laughter] Let’s not act like I’m the only self-fluff er in the room, okay? Dude. Ladies, if you’ve ever received a dick-pic before, um, here’s some secret intel: That’s not the first shot. [laughter] Pretty much goes like this: Click. – “Fuck that.” And then… – [laughter] “Oh, yeah, that’s me. That’s all me right there. That’s me.” God, sweating my fucking balls off. Like a preacher. Amen. All right. So… – [laughter] Ha! This is a very— I think this— Pretty girls. Pretty town. A lot of good-looking girls in this town. Um… I noticed, stylistically, I feel like a lot of girls here have nose rings, and I have to tell you, I fucking dig it. Yeah. I like a girl with a nose ring. I think it says something. I think it says, – “I have other piercings, and…” [crowd chuckling] “…you can see them.” [laughter] “As soon as I get this hemp bra off.” But… [laughter] Eyebrow ring, that’s another level. That is a statement. And that statement is: “Fisting is my first base.” Like, those chicks are fuckin’ down. Am I right? [crowd cheering] Yeah. Oh, yeah. Some of you— No? I’m seeing disappointment in some people’s faces, for sure. Yeah. Some people are like, “Mm-mm.” [laughter] “Didn’t sign up for this shit. No, sir.” And the rest of you are like, “But… But, Tom! What about tongue rings? What about tongue rings, Tom?” What about them?! [laughter] Tools of the trade. Did Rembrandt not have a paintbrush? [laughter] Who is Beethoven without his piano? That girl has a tongue ring ’cause her mouth is a homing device for cocks! [laughter] You leave her alone! Or just show her your dick. There’s a pretty good chance she’s gonna lap that shit up. Mm-mm-mm-mm. [laughter] Don’t get upset. It’s silly. It’s a silly joke. Look, I’m not a misogynistic pig. I think women should judge men equally and harshly. You know what never fails? Judge men based on what they drive. Ladies… if a guy picks you up in a minivan, he is telling you, “Why have sex when we can collect all the Angry Birds stuffed animals?” [laughter] Full-size van. Whoa. [laughter] That’s more like, “You wanna go out? Well, you’re coming.” [laughter] Kidnapping joke, yeah? Now, ladies, if a guy picks you up in a Honda and it’s lowered, real low, low… to the ground… and there’s some cool blue lights underneath it, that says, “When we get to this restaurant, get whatever you want. My mom’s got this. Don’t worry about it. I got it. Yeah.” [laughter] “Yeah.” “Yeah, she gave me tip money. Yeah!” Oh, man. I was in, uh, London… Canada. Um, they have one. [crowd chuckles] And… Doesn’t that kinda bother you? A little bit? When a barely city is like, “Let’s name it after an awesome city.” [laughter] [snickers] And they have the nerve to ask you, “How do you like London?” “The real one, or this turd you put in a dress? Because…” [laughter] Like, the fucking balls on Paris, Tennessee, to name their city Paris? And then they built a mini Eiffel Tower? Like you’re gonna walk around confused, like, “Well, bonjour! I don’t even know where I’m at!” [laughter, cheering] “Can I get me a ‘crassant?'” [chortles] [laughter] Fuck Paris, Tennessee. So, we’re leaving… London, Ontario, Canada— bothers me just to say it. And we’re headed back to Toronto, and we pass by a strip club named Beef. Now… [crowd chuckles] Yeah, your hearing is working just fine. [laughter] There’s a strip club named Beef! I mean… can you even wrap your head around the confidence a young lady has to have just to audition at Beef? Just to be like, “I know they’re hiring at Diamonds, but I’m more of a Beef girl.” Like, that is… [laughter] It’s such an aggressive name, even for a casual conversation. To be like, “Oh, you strip?” “Where do you strip at?” “Beef.” [laughter] “Jesus.” [laughter] “What goes on there?” “Pretty intense shit, actually. We recommend you start your night at a different strip club and graduate to Beef. You start here, we’ll wreck your life.” Like, “All right. God.” Fuckin’ Beef is the name— Fart is a better name for a strip club. If somebody was like, “You wanna go to a strip club? It’s called Fart.” I’d be like, “No, I don’t want to go there.” “There’s another one called Beef.” “All right, let’s check out Fart.” [laughter] “See where that ends up.” I feel like… the worst part, honestly, of traveling in our country is that there’s no surprises. I swear to you, I travel every week, and it’s really a disappointment. Every place is exactly what I thought it was going to be. You know? I can prove it to you. Picture a place you’ve never been to in this country. Picture it. That’s exactly how it is. [laughter] What are the people like, you wonder? What do you think they’re like? That’s right. [laughter] It’s— I swear to you! Go to San Francisco. They’re like, “Ah, we’re offended.” And you’re like, “Yep.” [laughter] “I know.” Texas? I don’t think the people of Texas necessarily want to execute retarded people, but I think they’re like, “You know what? This is Texas. So… whoo!” [laughter] “That’s how we do it around here, brother. A little boot scoot boop! See you later, dumdum. All right.” [laughter] They’ve done it multiple times! They keep doing it. “I’m sowwy.” “Yeah, me too.” [laughter] Crazy. The Midwest? I mean, don’t you feel like we could draw a circle around the Midwest and be like, “Do we need this?” [laughter] Except for wherever you’re from. That place is fucking awesome. The Northeast, shady fucking people in shady cities. That’s all they are. Just shady. Just fucking all those places. Jersey, Philly, Balti— they’re all… [chortles] [laughter] “How you doing?” “Not now, thank you very much.” [laughter] “Can I help you with something?” “Nope. Never in my life.” The one quality I do love about Northeastern people, though, you could be in an argument with them and be like, “You’re a fucking asshole.” And they’re like, “Thank you.” [laughter] “My dad’s an asshole, and so am I. It’s kind of a thing.” Then what? You head, uh… you head on down south. [chuckles] [laughter] [Southern accent] Where “God don’t make no junk.” [snickers] That’s a real expression, by the way: “God don’t make no junk.” They say it a lot. I lived there for a while. They say it to people who are complaining about their own situation. So essentially, it’s a pick-me-up. Right? Like, some lady might go, “I ain’t purty!” [laughter] “And I ain’t no good.” [crowd chuckling] “No one’s ever gonna love me.” [moans] And someone’ll go, “Don’t you talk that mess.” [crowd chuckles] “Don’t you say that, Sally— Billy Bob— Sandra. Don’t you say that.” [laughter] “God don’t make no junk.” I always want to interrupt and be like, “I’d like to politely disagree!” [laughter] “I think He was nodding off when He made you.” [laughter] “While your sunken eyes and protruding underbite are charming…” [laughter] “…that map of white trash is not sending a lot of lead to the pencil. You’re right! You’re gonna die alone, bah-bah-bah-Nascar-fart-beer.” [laughter, cheers] “You big box of stupid.” [laughter] Here’s great travel advice, okay? Do not take the red-eye. If you don’t know what that is, it’s amazing that you made it this far in life. It’s when you fly overnight from the West Coast to the Eastern time zone. Some people love that flight. And those people are sociopaths. Because… here’s why. [laughter] You land and your body’s like, “Well, it’s 3:30 in the morning. I guess we’re going to sleep.” And then the world goes… “Uh… nope!” [laughter] “6:30, dickhead! Get ready to do stuff.” And then you cry for days. Last one I ever went on, I boarded with my wife. We get on, she looks at our boarding passes, she goes, “We’re not sitting next to each other.” And I go, “Okay.” [laughter] I don’t know. She goes, “You don’t wanna switch seats?” And I go, “Not really.” [laughter] And she goes, “Why not?” I said, “‘Cause we don’t have to.” She goes, “What does that mean?” I said, “Well, there’s only two people that have to sit next to each other, and they’re up front.” [laughter, applause] “We can sit anywhere.” She goes, “You’re gonna ask people to move.” And I was like, “Great. Should be a real treat.” That’s always fun, right? “You all settled in? Want to stand the fuck up now?” Great. [laughter] So… we’re both window seats. We need an aisle to move. So I go to the guy sitting next to her, and this guy is old. I don’t know how old, but it doesn’t look good. He’s… he’s drooling… [grunts] …he’s got rubber where there used to be bones— Put it this way: – It’s his last flight. All right? So… [laughter] After this one, no más. [crowd chuckles] So I go, “Excuse me, Gandalf. Do you think that…” [laughter] “…you could move so I can sit next to my wife?” And he goes, “Move?” “Mm-hmm.” He goes, “You move.” – “Yep.” [crowd chuckles] “I’ll move here, and then you move there.” And he goes, “You can’t see a meniscus… [gibberish] …I won’t be able to stretch out as much. [mumbling] I can’t stretch. I gotta sit by the aisle access and stretch it out there so it’s built up more. It’ll be seven, eight times more if I sit over there.” And I go, “Are you reading me a fucking novel about this?” [laughter] “Jesus, just say no! And I hope you lose your leg.” And then I turned around. Well, he was a dick. He was. Was he old? Yes. Was he disabled? Severely. [laughter] Disabled people have to earn their cool points just like the rest of us. I’m so exhausted of the idea that everybody with a disability is automatically an angel on earth. They’re not. They’re people, and you should treat them like people. But you don’t. You patronize the shit out of them. Yeah. – I know you do. – [applause] Of course. There’s so many uncomfortably silent guilty faces in here right now. [laughter] Yeah. You know when you’re at work and fucking Sam rolls up? [laughter] It’s always Sam. You don’t go, “Hey, Sam.” You go, “Hai, Sahm.” [laughter] And he’s like, “Hi.” And you go, “How was your weekend?” [laughter] He’s like, “It was good.” “Well, that’s good!” And he’s like, “You know I’m not retarded right? I just can’t stand up. You’re a fucking asshole.” [crowd laughs, cheers] Some of them are cool. Some of them are dicks. I was walking into a building not two weeks ago. I open the door. Ten steps back, I notice a guy’s coming up with no arms. You know what I do? I hold the door. And when he gets up, he goes, “I don’t need you to do that shit.” And I go… [laughter] – “All right.” [cheering] “Okay, Stumpy. Um… let’s watch you bite that handle for an hour. – That’ll be a fun fucking show.” [laughter] Fuck that guy. Absolutely fuck him. So… Midnight on this flight, the lights come on, and that’s too early, right? That’s too early for the red-eye. I panic. I think we’re dying. So… I see the attendant, I go, “Hey, what the fuck’s happening?” She goes, “There’s a medical emergency in the back. Are you a doctor?” And I go, “Look at me.” [laughter] “You think I’m a doctor?” And she goes, “Are any of you?” And we go, “No.” I said, “I think we just established that none of us are doctors. How about you kill those lights so we can go back to sleep?” [laughter] And she goes, “Well, he needs help.” And I go, “Well, we’re not doctors. We could stand around him for a while, If you think that’ll help.” “Yeah, he’s fucked up.” [laughter] “Huh? Comedian.” [laughter] “Mostly stories. Hang in there.” I don’t fucking know. So… half an hour later, lights are still on, and I go, “What are we doing?” And she goes, “I think we’re gonna divert.” And I go, “Divert? Does that mean we’re gonna dump fuel?” Have you ever asked somebody something so profoundly stupid to them that they have to physically regroup before they answer your question? [laughter] Like, she went to answer, and then she went, “Huh.” [laughter] Like her brain was like, control-alt-delete, rebooted… [laughter] …and she goes, “Divert doesn’t mean dump fuel, you dumb shit.” And I was like, “I know, I was just playing. Gah.” [laughter] She said, “We’re gonna land at the nearest airport. We’ll get him off and we’ll get him help. Then we’ll continue.” And I go, “You gotta be shitting me.” And she goes, “No.” And I said, “Well, what if he’s dead?” And she goes, “What?” – And I go, “If he’s dead…” [laughter] “…we’re not just gonna land to drop off some luggage, right? We’re gonna keep going.” And she goes, “I guess so.” [laughter] And I said, “Well, in that case, I am a doctor.” [laughter] “And I’m gonna need a pillow. Stat.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] And then, I fucking killed a guy. On a plane. [laughter] It was the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. Um… Bikes! I get, like… verbal tics, you know? I don’t have Tourette’s. I wish I did. It looks fun. But… I’ll just yell shit. It’s like a hook on a catchy song, except it’s just stuff that I watch, and then… “Bikes!” I just yell it, you know. Over and over. Only like two or three million times. But… I’m obsessed with the show Scared Straight. Um… If you’ve never seen it, it’s tremendous. Here’s what they do. In the show, they take kids, middle school and high school kids that are getting in trouble a lot, and they send them to jail for a day. And the idea is that jail will scare the fuck out of the kid, and then he’ll get his life together. Hence, Scared Straight. It’s tremendous. I’m obsessed with one episode. – It aired once. [crowd chuckles] In 1999. Here’s what’s great. It aired uncensored, which is bananas. And… in this episode they did not send the kids to jail, like they normally do. Instead, they sent them to a maximum security penitentiary. [crowd chuckles] Prison. And those prisoners verbally assaulted these kids into crying a lot. [laughter] And it’s the funniest shit I have ever seen in my life. First of all, don’t feel, like, too bad for— these kids are super badass. They’re not like, spitting spitballs in class and— They’re fucking stabbing other kids. They’re badass kids. Okay? And they show up to this thing with attitude. They walk in, they’re like, “What’s up? I run sixth grade. – I ain’t scared of you, man. Like…” [laughter] “You can’t scare me.” And they’re greeted by a guy named Crazy Chris. Chris has scars on his face, and the screen freezes. And it says, “Chris killed six people, and he’s doing a double life sentence.” Like, this dude is so bad that when he dies and he’s reincarnated, that guy is doing life in prison also. [laughter] So this is a bad motherfucker right here. The kids are like squatting around, and Chris is like, “Hey. My name’s Crazy Chris. And from now on, you will see me in your nightmares.” And the kids are like, “What the fuck?” Like… “I’m 12. Don’t talk to me like that. Man, that’s crazy.” And he goes, “If I ever see you again, I’ll take a bite out of each of you.” And they’re like, “All right. We’re reformed now. Thank you very much.” Jesus. But they can’t leave. The next guy comes up to them and he goes, “Hold mah pocket! – Hold mah pocket!” [crowd chuckles] And he makes kids walk around holding the inside of his pocket. You understand? So he walks, and then they’re like— [nervous chuckle] I don’t know what you know about prison, but if you’re holding onto another dude’s pocket, – it’s gonna be a rough day. All right? [laughter] Not only is this guy making kids hold his— he’s talking ridiculous shit to middle schoolers. He’s like, “I’mma make you suck my dick for breakfast!” [laughter] “Every mornin’.” And the kids are like… [groaning] [laughter] “I hate breakfast! Ugh!” [laughter] Funny shit like that. So… [chortles] He’s like, “I’mma mush your motherfucking face!” And the kid’s like— [whimpering] It’s so fucking funny. Ah… [crowd chuckling] There’s one exchange where this dude, he pulls a kid out of line. The kid’s, like, 13. He weighs, I don’t know, a hundred pounds? And he has a bowl cut. Okay? He has a bowl cut. [laughter] In prison. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. It’s parted in the middle. The prisoner goes, “Why you here?” And the kid’s like… “Ugh. Stealing.” And he goes, “The fuck you took?” [laughter] And the kids goes, “B… Bikes.” And he goes, “Bikes!” And that’s why I yell “bikes” all the time. [laughter] [cheers and applause] You should see me when we drive by a bike store. – Holy shit. [laughter] I’ll be driving. I’ll be like, “Ahh…” And my wife, she’s pretty over it. Um… [laughter] She’ll go, like, “You get one.” I’m like, “All right, I’m gonna make this shit count.” So, I’ll pull over, roll down the window, and I wait till I see somebody checking out one of the sidewalk displays, like with all the bikes out there, and when they find one they like and they’re like, “I like this one,” I’ll go, “Bikes!” And they’re like, “What the fuck?!” And I go, “Stop selling drugs!” And I drive off. [laughter] That’s right. [cheers and applause] Super fun. You should do it. Ah, man. So, my wife is the coolest, actually. She’s the best. And, uh, she— we’ve been together ten years. And women will actually ask me, sometimes, they’ll be like, “Ten years? That’s a pretty good run. What’s the secret? Is there a secret?” And I want to tell you that there is. And ladies, the key to your man’s heart is through his… taint. Now, if you don’t know, the taint is that little strip of land between a man’s balls and his butthole. [cheers and applause] Also known as the Devil’s Driveway. – Now… [laughter] …some of you are like, “I don’t want to go there. That sounds scary.” Well, yeah. [laughter] Your man’s perineum, that’s like the Incan ruins of his body. And just like Machu Picchu, its a little out of the way. [laughter] But once you get there, the rewards are oh, so glorious. Ladies, I just gave you top secret clearance. Okay? Um, welcome to Area 51. Yeah. I never want to hear another woman complain, “I can’t get a guy to call me back.” Well, take a vibrator, press it against his chode, and you will have to shut down a cell tower because that man is gonna harass you. All right? [laughter, applause] [cheering] Yeah. After you make him shiver. [laughter] Don’t be an asshole and put it on high speed the first time. You’ll send him to the emergency room. But… Ease into it. One, two, three. He’ll be like, all right! [laughter] [sighs] I’m not piling on you for not doing enough, if you’re a woman. Guys are the worst. Absolutely. Every guy friend of mine that complains about a sex thing, it’s always the same stupid shit. They’ll be like, “You know, like, I liked her, but she’s not slutty. She didn’t do anything slutty.” I’m like, “Huh. You tell her what you like?” “Unh-unh.” I’m like, “Oh. Well, you weird silent fuck.” [laughter] “You gotta tell her. If she likes you, she’ll do it. Gotta tell her, ‘Put on a clown suit and peg me.’ Or whatever you like.” [laughter] I’ll tell you my favorite. I don’t give a shit. I love the medical genre. That is my favorite. I love those pornos where the guy goes in the doctor’s office. He’s like, “Oh, my back hurts.” The nurse is like, “That’s ’cause your big stupid balls are full. Get over here.” [laughter] I love that. I love it, I told my wife, and now we have scrubs. [laughter, cheers] Everybody likes it. Don’t act like— whenever you— If you’re a guy and you see a nurse, you always are like… “Maybe she’ll suck it.” Like that. Like, you always… Even if you see a nurse walking around, you’re like, “Hey. What? No, I didn’t say anything. I was just…” [laughter] “Do you? Okay, no, you don’t? Okay. No, I feel fine. Thank you.” It’s the best. I love— I love, though, on the medical pornos, those scenes, they always end with letting you know how he’s doing medically. Like the guy goes, “Uhhh. My back feels better.” You’re like, “Oh, wow.” [laughter] “We were all worried about your third lumbar. So, that’s good.” Crazy, and I swear, this is true, as much as I love that shit, I have never in my life seen a smaller version of my own dick than when I’m in the doctor’s office. Like, it gets so small, and it leans to the left. So my dick is like, “What did you say?” [laughter] “Hmm? Should I be here, Dad?” You ever yell at it? You’re like, “What the fuck?! Monday we were hitting thigh, and today you’re like, – ‘I want to stay in bed and read. So…'” [laughter] “‘You go out. I’m gonna draw a bath. Bye.'” And you’ll be like, “You stupid little dick!” They have porno suggestions. Isn’t that weird too? Like you watch a scene, It’s like, “You might also like…” And you’re like, “What?” And then its like some weird sh— It’s like, “Sis is mad at her brother for not leaving, so she blows him.” And you’re like, “Ugh! Gross. All right, I’m gonna see what it looks like.” They’re not really related. That scene is so stupid cause they always call each other Bro and Sis, like any fucking people on the planet do that. The girl’s like, “Bro! My friends are coming over. Get outta here.” He’s like, “No way, Sis. Not leaving.” “Come on! What’ll it take?” “Boop. Right there. That’s what it’ll take.” “Okay.” And you’re like, “All right. It’s not a good premise, but I’ll watch it.” [laughter] [sighs] Let me ask you this. If you’re white, aren’t you a little tired of being blamed for every racial injustice? – Like, doesn’t part of you… [man] Yeah! [blows raspberry] [laughter] Yeah, yeah. No, that’s good. So… [laughter] People are like, “What the fuck?” No! That’s what I’m saying! Like… Don’t you kinda want to tell, like, the other people, “Why doesn’t your group get their shit together, and then you can ascend to the top and then you can oppress other people.” [mixed laughter] Not as many claps on that one. Well, uh… [laughter, applause] Oops. [crowd chuckles] Here’s all I’m saying. Okay? Every race is racist. Okay? We’re the best at it, but every race is racist. Who’s super racist? Asians. Right? Yeah, you guys are… You’re nodding. Like, “You know goddamn right I am. Of course.” You don’t know about it? There’s a hierarchy to the whole thing. Here’s how it works. Japanese, they’re number one, which is weird ’cause their genitals are blurry. – But they’re number one. Right? – [laughter] Then… [crowd cheering] Chinese and Koreans are right there. And everybody else who’s, like, tan, like… [laughter] Vietnamese and Filipino, they’re like— [spits] “Fuck you!” [laughter] True or not? Yeah. Don’t you feel better about everything right now? Like… What’s your ethnic background? You’re Chinese? That’s number two. That’s almost at the top. That’s great. That’s gotta feel good, right? Who did you, like— Who did your parents talk the most shit about, growing up? Wait. Were you raised in an Asian household, or are you one of those, “That’s cute, lets get one of those”? [laughter] ‘Cause that’s a legit question. Asian? So who’d your parents talk the most shit about growing up, racially? – Be honest. Huh? – [man] Japanese. – Japanese! Fuckin’… All right, so… – [laughter] Do you hate Japanese people? No? They fucking hate you. A lot. [laughter] You know they do. Uh… What do your parents say about them? What’s the shit that they talk? [man] They wanted me to marry one. They wanted you to marry one? [man continues indistinctly] They wanted her to do whatever you want. – Are your parents Saudi or…? [laughter] Can I get this fucking straight for a second? Your parents were like, “We want our beautiful Chinese boy to marry a Japanese girl so that ‘she’ll do whatever you want'”? – Meaning they’re submissive? – [man] Yes. Yeah. All right. So who’s this fucking lady sitting next to you? What’s she all about? Hey! Don’t fucking answer. It’s his world. – What is— What is, uh… – [roaring laughter] Ask him if you can answer. [laughter] She’s Chinese? Damn! [laughter] Do you know— [laughs] Do you know how I found out about Asian racism? This is how I found out about it. I had no idea. I’m shooting a commercial in L.A., and they fly in a Japanese director, okay? – Uhhh. Grunts, everything. So… [laughter] Yeah. So I was like, “Do you have indigestion?” He was, “Uhh. No.” We’re shooting the commercial, and between takes, there’s a Filipino production assistant. So, he come up and talks to us and he walks away. And when he walks away, I see the Japanese director give him a very dismissive look, like… And I go, “Hey! I saw that, with my eyes. What was that all about?” I go, “You don’t like him?” And he goes… And I go, “Why not?” And he goes… [laughter] Did you catch it? It was really fast. [laughter] He basically said, “I don’t like him ’cause I don’t like his skin color.” And he did it with this little gesture. And I was like, “Holy shit! That’s fucking brilliant. How did I not think of that?” You don’t have to worry about people hearing you and getting hit. Just make a little thing and move it along. Like… [laughter] Don’t act like you’re not gonna use that five fucking times this week. [applause] When you’re in your favorite restaurant and “they” come in, you’re like… [laughter] “Let’s take it to go. Thanks a lot.” [laughter] Oh, guys. Thank you for having jobs. Um… I’m assuming you do. I don’t fucking know. You’re here. Maybe you robbed somebody. But… I was just thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve had a job, and how I absolutely could not get one right now. If I went into a place and gave them my résumé, they’d be like, “What’s with this 13-year gap on here, man?” And I’d be like, “What’s with all the questions, dude? Chill out.” I mean, if I had to get a job, I think I would just go for a job where no one knows what the fuck I’m talking about, so I could just make shit up. Because… There’s a few of those. Like, the spokesman for an arson investigation. Um… Arson means fire, by the way. I’m seeing a lot of blank faces. And… [laughter] You can see them online. Like, a guy comes out to a podium, and there’s a mic and there’s news people around. There’s a burned down building behind, and he’s just like— “Hey. That shit burned down.” [laughter] “Could you tell us a little more?” He’s like, “What?” Totally aggravated. “What do you wanna know?” “How did it start?” “It was a match.” And they go, “How do you know?” “We found it.” “It.” Like it’s one. There’s other matches and he’s like, “Mm-mmm.” “This one.” They go, “How do you know that’s the match?” “Just complicated fire shit. You wouldn’t understand.” Thing is, man, I miss zero part of having a day job. That’s the truth. I miss zero part. The only part I still miss is spreading rumors and gossip about people that work there. That’s the fucking best. It is! I remember. Going to work sucks. That’s universal. I mean, shit! Most of you will have it on Monday. Fuckin’— the alarm goes off, and you go, “Motherfucker!” [laughter] “Today’s gonna suck!” [laughter] “But I’m gonna talk shit about Amanda when I get there.” And then that… raises your spirit right? You think about that in the shower. “I’m gonna ruin Amanda’s day today.” [laughter] “This is for you, Amanda. Aahh.” The fucked-up thing is people making you feel badly for enjoying that. You shouldn’t feel badly for enjoying gossip. It’s 100 percent normal and natural to because it’s definitely an extension of childhood. Because all of us, when we were kids, and all kids now, for a certain period of time, the worst storytellers ever, okay? You don’t know shit about editing information, enhancing things, keeping people’s interest. You don’t have to have a kid to know about this. Talk to any kid. A friends kid. A niece, a nephew. It’s when you go to a kid, you go like, “Hey, were you outside?” And they go, “Yeah!” And you’re like, “Why don’t you dial that back? That was crazy. Okay?” And then you ask one question, like, “How was that?” And they go, “I have— When— When Jeanette came by, she— she didn’t— she brought the yellow cup that— she didn’t want to kick the ball back, but I said, can— ‘Cause Brian’s cup is red, that if you— if you— if you don’t have it now, then you don’t have to bring the blue— ‘Cause the blue one that Jane had was with her. I said, ‘If you don’t have it, you can— you can use mine now, but then… then next it’s my turn.'” You go, “That was a great fucking story. Thank you.” [laughter, applause] Je-sus! [laughter] And then kids accidentally tell their first good story. They don’t mean to, it’s an accident. That’s why it leaves an impact. ‘Cause you go, “Were you at the park?” And they go, “Yeah.” And you go, “How was that?” And they go, “I saw Uncle Jeff, and he had a lady sitting on his lap. But it wasn’t Aunt Maria.” And you’re like, “What?” [laughter] And the kid’s like, “Shit, I’ve never seen that fucking face before!” And you’re like, “That’s a good story. Go find more stories like that.” [laughter] That’s burned into your psyche. That’s why you go to work, you see your coworker, you’re like, “Hey, I got some juice.” And they’re like, “Is it gonna negatively impact somebody’s life?” [chortles] “Yeah.” And they’re like, “Fucking hook that shit up!” [cheers and applause] I’ve spread so many fucking rumors. My favorite part about rumors, nobody verifies shit. Somebody says something once and you’re like, “Cool, I’ll roll with that forever. Thanks, man.” “Are you gonna fact check that?” “Why? You said it out loud. I don’t have to check anything out. It’s now a fact. So, whatever.” It’s a seed, right? You ever a part of one that just grows? I remember years ago, I’m watching a movie with my dad. In the middle of the movie, the actor, Tommy Lee Jones, appears onscreen. Great actor. Oscar winner. Unprompted, my dad turns to me and he goes, “Did you know he was gay?” And I was like, “No.” “Yeah.” [laughter] Now, it doesn’t matter, and I don’t care. But I decided I would tell everyone I ever met for the rest of my life that Tommy Lee Jones is gay. I told a lot of people. Like, from The Fugitive through No Country for Old Men. – I told everybody. [laughter] Until one day I told somebody and he goes, “No, he isn’t.” And I was like, “Yeah, he is.” And he goes, “How do you know that?” And I said, “My dad told me.” [laughter] “What? Your dad fuck him or something?” [laughter] I was like, “I don’t think so.” Then he goes, “I’ve known him 40 years. I know his wife and kids. I knew him when he was single. He is not gay.” And I go, “What is happening right now?” [laughter] And I called my dad immediately. And I was like, “Dad! I just got confirmation that Tommy Lee Jones isn’t gay.” And my dad goes, “Oh, I thought he was.” [laughter] “Is that the end of your investigation? Are you fucking serious? Why did you tell me that?” He goes, “I don’t know.” I said, “Did somebody tell you?” He goes, “I can’t remember.” I said, “Have you been telling everybody for 15 years that Tommy Lee Jones is gay?” And he goes, “Yep.” I go, “Don’t you think we should stop?” He goes, “Now we should.” [laughter] Just made that shit up. This is not made-up. I’ll tell you this, man. [sighs] Not too long ago, I met former heavyweight champion of the world Iron Mike Tyson. And… [cheers and applause] It completely changed my perspective on a famous person, ’cause I thought I knew famous people. Friends of mine on TV and movies, they are dog shit next to Mike Tyson. Think about how— he is famous the way an ex-president is famous, in that he can’t go anywhere in the world without everyone knowing who he is. You can take him to the Philippines, you can take him to Siberia, you can take him to Namibia and people would be like, [smacking] “Mike Tyson.” Everybody knows Mike Tyson. That’s a perfect impression, by the way. So… we’re on an afternoon flight from L.A. to Pittsburgh. He is sitting across the aisle one row back. He’s right there. It takes an extra hour to board the flight. Why? Because every passenger that boards sees him, and they’re like, “Get the fuck out of here.” And they shit their pants. And he’s super nice. He shakes everyone’s hand. Flight attendants are telling people, “Go to your seat.” And they’re like, “Nope.” [laughter] “Talking to him.” “We’re not asking you, we’re telling you.” “I don’t give a shit. I’m not going anywhere.” It takes forever. We leave late. I don’t say anything. About half an hour’s left in the flight, and then I tell myself, “You have to say something. You’re never going to run into him again.” So I get up, walk over to his seat and I go, “I’m sorry to bother you. I grew up watching all of your fights, and I’m a big fan.” And he goes, “Thank you.” [laughter] I said, “I’m just curious, why are you going to Pittsburgh?” He goes, “I’m promoting a fight. What about you?” I said, “I’m a comedian. I’m going to do shows.” And he goes— [giggles] “You’re a comedian?” I go, “Yeah.” He said, “Where’s your show?” I said “It’s a comedy club called the Pittsburgh Improv.” And he goes, “Where’s that?” – And I go, “I have no fucking idea.” [laughter] And he goes, “Is your show tonight?” And I go, “No. It’s eleven o’clock at night and we’re on a plane.” [laughter] “We’re in the sky right now, Mike.” He goes, “Well, when’s your show?” And I go, “Tomorrow.” And he goes, “Where?” And I go, “Still at the Pittsburgh Improv.” He goes, “How do I find it?” I go, “I don’t fucking know. Google it.” Then it hits me, like, two seconds later how batshit crazy it is of me to tell him to like, Google it. – You know? Like… – [laughter] “You figure it out, fuckface!” [laughter] Am I out of my mind? So… I grab a DVD out of my bag, I give it to him. I go, “It has my name on it, just type it in. It’ll show you where I’m at.” He goes, “Thank you.” I go, “That’s cool. I met Tyson.” Ten seconds later, I’m sitting in my seat and I hear, “Tom?” [laughter] “Yes, Mike Tyson?” He goes, “Were you on television recently?” And I go, “Mm-mmm.” He goes, “Are you sure?” And I go, “Yeah, I think so.” And he goes, “Nothing?” And I go, “I mean, I’m on Netflix.” And he goes, “I fucking love Netflix.” [laughter] “Okay.” He goes, “What’s your favorite show on Netflix, Tom?” I go, “Are we really doing this right now? Like, shouting across the aisle?” “I like House of Cards, man!” Like… [laughter] It feels crazy, okay? So, I’m super nervous. I don’t know what to say— I’m like, “I don’t know. I watched Breaking Bad on Netflix.” And he goes, “My wife likes Breaking Bad.” But he said it like, “You like shit my wife likes.” And I was like, “Ugh.” Then his eyes light up like saucers, and he’s like, “Oh! You like Sons of Anarchy?” And I know it’s a great show. There’s a lot of great shows. I can’t see every show. I’ve never seen it. Do you ever lie? Like a child to an adult? ‘Cause you think they’ll like you more if you like the same thing? Well, I saw that face and I go, “It’s my favorite show of all time.” [laughter] And he’s like, “It’s the shit!” And I was like, “Oh, I know. That one episode? That’s my favorite.” And then he gives me a fist bump across the aisle, right? Is this not registering to you? I get a Mike Tyson fist bump. [crowd cheers] Yeah. I can feel his powers transferring from his hand into mine. I’m like, “Oh, shit.” That’s crazy, right? I’m so happy. And then a few seconds later, I feel a bear paw on my shoulder. And I turn, and Tyson is standing above me. – I’m like, “Jesus Christ!” – [laughter] Immediately he leans down and he whispers in my ear so nobody else can hear, and he goes, “I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix.” – That’s it. That’s all he said. [laughter] Dude, I never thought that sentence could be terrifying. [laughter] And now he’s just looking at me like, “Now you say something, bitch.” Ya know? I was like, “I never turn it off. It’s the best.” I don’t know what to say. He goes, “Now I recognize you.” And I go, “What?” And he holds up the DVD. And I go, “I just gave that to you.” And he goes, “It’s the same picture that’s on Netflix.” And I go, “Oh, yeah. That’s the same picture.” He goes, “I know who you are.” I go, “That’s crazy.” And he goes, “Give me your phone number.” And I go, “What?!” I give him my number, we land. I fucking run off the plane. Okay? It’s like… too much weird shit for one day. The next day, I’m sitting in my hotel room, and I get a text message from Mike Tyson. [cheers and applause] You know what it says? – “Where’s your show?” [laughter] And I go, “The Pittsburgh Improv.” “Where’s that?” I fucking Google it. [laughter] I send it to him, and the phone rings. “Hey, Tom.” And I go, “‘Sup, Champ?” [cheers and applause] He goes, “We’re coming to your show tonight, brother.” And I go, “That’s fucking crazy!” He goes, “Yeah, we wanna watch you do your work.” And I go, “Well, I’m honored.” And he goes, “It’s all love.” [laughter] I know what he’s saying. I know the expression. And I just want to reciprocate, but I— I don’t know what to do. And I’m super nervous, and I just go, “I love you.” [laughter] And he goes, “Mmm, good luck at your show.” And he hangs up the phone. Seattle, you’re the best. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] Appreciate it. Thank you. [up-tempo music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dave Chappelle: Deep in the Heart of Texas (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-deep-heart-texas-2017-full-transcript/

[Morgan Freeman] He’s in the trance. He isn’t thinking of jokes, though. He’s composing the voiceover I’m saying to you right now. Getting me to agree to this was beyond his wildest dreams. And he doesn’t want to waste the opportunity on the frivolous. You have reached the voicemail of comedic genius Dave Chappelle. Unfortunately, he can’t or won’t speak right now, so please leave a detailed message. [music playing] ♪ Play me ♪ ♪ Buy me ♪ ♪ Workinonit ♪ ♪ Tune up ♪ ♪ Tune ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Fade me ♪ ♪ Whoo! ♪ [music playing] ♪ Now, when I was a young boy ♪ ♪ At the age of five ♪ ♪ My mother said I was gonna be ♪ ♪ The greatest man alive… ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ But now I’m a man ♪ ♪ Way past 21 ♪ ♪ I’m a man ♪ ♪ I spell M ♪ ♪ A, child ♪ ♪ N ♪ Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. What’s going on? Good to see everybody out here tonight. Thank you. Hey, have a seat. Everybody be comfortable and relax. Oh, my gosh. Good to be back in Austin, Texas. It’s good to know that plaid is back in. [audience laughing] Most of the dudes I meet around these parts are dressed like a d*ke in New York, so I’m glad to see that. Man! F*cking Texas. This place is— It’s pretty good. [cheers and applause] Pretty damn good. I was in Santa Fe the other night, and a motherf*cker threw a banana peel at me. Yeah, that didn’t feel so good. Of course, it was a white person. Not to indict the whites. I’m just saying. Not to profile. And then, not only did he throw a banana peel at me, but… it was premeditated. You could tell. You could tell. The peel was too brown. You know what I mean? You didn’t eat that banana recently, motherf*cker. You had that shit waiting on me. And the whole crowd was white, so it just got instantly creepy, and everyone looked like they were looking at 12 Years a Slave. They were all just like… Who the f*ck does that? And then they arrested the guy, which was… [laughs] I said, “Someone’s gonna f*ck you in the butt in the holding cell. You know that, right? You can’t just be throwing banana peels at Dave Chappelle. They’re not gonna let you get away with this.” And the press called me up like, “Do you have a statement?” “A statement?! For a f*cking banana peel? No! I don’t have anything to say.” This guy was f*cking famous for throwing a banana peel at me. Twenty years from now, he’ll be tucking his kids into bed, and the kids will be like, “Daddy, tell me about the day you threw that banana peel at that n*gger in Santa Fe.” “Boy, I tell you what. That black motherf*cker had it coming. I saw his name up on the marquee about a week before. I said, ‘Man, if I could just get close enough to meet him… I’d throw a banana on that n*gger and show him how—'” F*cking Bananagate. I didn’t even like— I didn’t even want to press charges. This has happened to me before. No, seriously. Not a banana. I live in Ohio, right? So, this was a few winters ago. [cheers] Oh, I didn’t know you would ever clap for that. Well, all right. That’s the first time that shit’s ever happened. “Ohio?!” Anyway… I live amongst the whites. Small town in Ohio. And it was wintertime, and it had snowed recently, so there’s huge snowdrifts on the street. I was walking with my sister. Now, my sister was dressed in all Muslim garb, as were her children, and I was dressed as Dave Chappelle. And we were walking and just talking about something, and a car sped around the corner, and the window came down, and somebody threw a snowball and hit me right in my shoulder. [thud] I didn’t know what was going on. Why was this happening? Because I’m black? Because she’s Muslim? Because I’m Dave Chappelle? I couldn’t tell. But, again, I knew it was premeditated. Because who the f*ck has a snowball in a warm car? But he didn’t think it all the way through, lady. Because he went around the corner and got stopped at a red light. He was caught in the traffic. So, I ran out into the street, and I just tapped on his window. [thumping] “My man, could I just talk to you guys for a second? Come on out for one second. I just want to talk to you.” There’s four young white dudes in the car. They’re like, “Just chill, bro.” I said, “Relax. I just want to talk.” Now, this is an old black trick. Really, I didn’t want to talk. I was gonna f*ck ’em up. So, if you’re ever caught in traffic, and a black guy starts saying he just wants to talk to you, don’t open the door. Even if he’s me, smiling at you. And they were like, “Chill, bro. Just chill.” And the one guy in the back seat— I don’t know what, he was just cockier than his friends. He was like, “F*ck it, man! I’ll get out the car!” And I started yanking on his door. “Let me help you, motherf*cker. Let me just help you out.” And I didn’t notice his window was down. And he threw a snowball, that shit hit me right in my chest. Pow! He said, “F*ck you, you f*cking n*gger!” And then the light turned green and they sped off. And I smiled from ear to ear. I looked at my sister, and she said, “I got the plates.” And I was happy as shit because throwing a snowball at a motherf*cker is a misdemeanor assault. But if you call him a n*gger when you do it, that’s a felony hate crime. And me and my sister start dancing. “We’re gonna send this motherf*cker to jail!” I didn’t notice it, but while I was yelling at him, a crowd of all-white people had formed, ’cause it was an all-white town. And I was like, “Uh-oh.” I thought I was gonna get jumped. Then one of them white guys stepped up and was like, “I didn’t like that at all. This is not what this town represents. I don’t want this goddamn stuff in my vicinity.” And another white guy was like, “Yeah! I didn’t like it, either!” And then an old white guy stepped out of the crowd and said, “Young man, if you’re going to fill out a police report, I would like to come with you and do the same.” I said, “You guys would do that for me?” And the whole crowd said, “Hooray!” I said, “Come on, y’all!” I looked like Malcolm X going to see Brother Johnson with a trail of white people. Unreal. An hour later, we were all sitting in the police station, and the police came in. They were like, “Well, Mr. Chappelle… sixteen identical police reports. We ran the tags. Two young men that had their mother’s car. We have all four suspects in holding, and the mother is here. It’s up to you. Whatever you want to do. If you want to press charges, we’ll move forward. Mr. Chappelle, are you okay?” “Huh? Sorry about that, Officer. I’m a little flustered. I’ve never been in a position where I could decide the fate of white children before. But… it’s weighing heavy on me, sir. And I really can’t decide.” And I saw a lady pacing back and forth in the hallway, and I said, “Is that—” He goes, “Yes, that’s their mother.” “Can I speak to her before I make a decision?”  And when the mom came in and she saw it was me, she busted out crying. “Oh, God. Oh, no. I don’t want him to go to jail. I am so sorry. I didn’t raise him to do this. We love your comedy. We love you at the house.” I said, “Miss, please, just— All right, look. I don’t necessarily want your son to go to jail, either. But what he did was pretty f*cked up. So, is there something we can do, short of jail, just to let him know that he’s wrong?” She said, “I don’t know. What did you have in mind?” “Miss, I’ve never been in this position before. Oh, you know what we could do? I don’t know if I’m asking too much. But maybe if you— if you could just… suck my d*ck a little bit. Just a little bit. I’m not gonna finish. I just want you to do it enough so that I can tell him you did it.” I’m kidding. I’m kidding. I wouldn’t do that to anybody’s mother. Maybe my kid’s mom, but that’s it. Ebola was in Texas. Ebola made a visit. Killed that man in Dallas. Five days, that man melted to death. What happened to the brother in Dallas? “Where was the secret serum?” is what we all said. I remember in the beginning of Ebola, there were two American doctors that got sick in Africa. They flew them in a private jet straight to Atlanta, to the CDC. I didn’t even know CDC saw patients. There it was said they administered what The New York Times called “a secret serum.” I don’t know what’s in it. It’s just like Colonel Sanders’ recipe. But both of these motherf*ckers survived. These doctors, thank God, are healthy. They are out there somewhere tonight at Whole Foods, touching vegetables, walking around. Everything’s okay. “Hey, Frank. How are you?” “You didn’t hear? I had Ebola last week. But I’m doing all right now. I was bleeding out of my eyes and anus, so I got concerned, but I’m okay.” What happened to the brother in Dallas? They just rubbed some Vicks on that n*gga’s chest. “Good luck, little buddy.” I knew he wasn’t gonna make it. I remember. Sad. I saw in The New York Times— they said Ebola is the new AIDS. Whew! Isn’t that something? Here I am, thinking that old AIDS was working just fine, and they already have a new AIDS out. Isn’t that amazing how they do that? Isn’t it weird how there’s a disease that just starts in 1980, and it doesn’t kill anybody but n*gga s, f*gs and junkies? Isn’t that a f*cking amazing coincidence that this disease hates everybody that old, white people hate? I think either God is white, or the government hid that shit in disco balls. Only fun people get AIDS. Last month, on the front of The New York Times, the measles was the headline. I had to check the date of the paper. I was like, “Measles? Is this 1850? What the f*ck is this? Why is measles in the news?” It turns out they were trying to decide if mandatory vaccinations for children is the way we all want to go. Any thoughts? [cheers and applause] You say yes? I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I just— I don’t know. I don’t know about this one. First of all, black people generally don’t trust doctors. After the Tuskegee experiments and all that shit. More importantly, don’t forget Michael Jackson was killed by a doctor. Granted, he was doing drugs. But if I was a heroin addict and I had a licensed physician injecting heroin in me, I should survive that. I’d just be like, “I’m good, right? I’m good? It’s not too much, is it?” Dr. Butterfingers killed Michael Jackson. After that, I was like, “F*ck going to the doctor.” Why the f*ck am I getting my kids vaccinated for an old-ass disease like measles? You might as well give them a diarrhea shot if you’re so worried. Diarrhea has a bigger body count than the measles do. You know, diarrhea is funny today, but… a hundred years ago, if your ass had diarrhea, you were a goner. There was a zero chance of surviving. You get that first squirt. Pfft! Uh-oh. “Better start getting my affairs in order. I don’t have much time. It’s diarrhea. It’s very serious.” You just watch your buddy slowly die in a pool of his own shit. Pfft! “Oh. Oh. I give up, diarrhea.” Pfffft! “You’re too strong.” Pfft! Nowadays, your buddy would be like, “You got diarrhea? Just eat a banana, n*gga. Drink some water. Let’s get to the club. We can still make last call.” Tough time for the blacks. These are not good times for the blacks. You know what I’m talking about, right? Police are killing us again. It’s a very unfortunate set of circumstances, because we were doing very well. You know, America has a racial hot seat. I think we can all agree that’s the truth. And we can also agree that that hot seat is traditionally occupied by African-Americans in general, African-American men in particular. Although, I can see that, in recent years, that seat has been occupied by Mexicans… and I daresay Arabs. And we, the black Americans, would like to thank you both for your sacrifice and your struggle. We needed a break. We needed a goddamn break. We all go through something, but at least I can leave my backpack someplace. If you’re Arab and forget a backpack, you got about 20 minutes before they send that robot to blow your shit up. You can kiss all that Engineering homework good-bye, Fouhad. Now ISIS is number one on the terrorist charts. And ISIS is f*cking scary. ‘Cause if ISIS catches you, they’re going to cut your head off. That’s what they do. I’ve seen them do it on YouTube. It was f*cking awful. He looked right into the camera and said, “Obama, I am back.” [swish] I saw that shit, I said, “Oh, my God. Don’t like.” How is this guy cutting people’s heads off on YouTube? I can’t even post a d*ck pic, and this motherf*cker is decapitating people. I’m gonna have to change my settings. You know, everyone has it hard. But I think, harder than black people and harder than Arabs and Mexicans, you know who has it the worst? Fat black people. It’s hard for white people to understand, but what I’m saying is very true. Fat black people have a really rough road, because all manner of things kill white people. But you know what kills more black people than anything, more than police and terrorism? Salt, n*gga. Regular-ass table salt. Here, white people are getting Ebola cures and shit, and meanwhile, I’m dying from f*cking flavoring. Look, honestly, I’ll stop talking about it. Let me say this, though. Let me just say this. Can we all just say that we’ve seen it coming? Were you surprised? It’s like when that guy threw that banana at me. Do you think I was surprised? Hell no. I’ve been in show business 30 years. I was expecting this banana. I knew one of these nights— I was like, “Somebody’s gonna throw a banana at me one of these nights.” ‘Cause that’s how it starts, with the name-calling. Like that Paula Deen. Remember Paula Deen got fired from the Food Network? If you know anything about show business, it is really hard to get fired from the f*cking Food Network. And they dropped that bitch like a hot potato. All because she called somebody an N-word 30 years before she had a show. I don’t know who she said it to, but whoever it was was just looking at her like, “I’m gonna get you for this, bitch.” That shit came back 30 years later like a Bill Cosby rape and sunk her battleship. And every black person was mad, but we weren’t that mad. It was more confusing than it was infuriating. I was just like, “Well, how is this bitch gonna call me a n*gger when she taught me how to fry chicken? That’s not fair.” I think Donald Sterling‘s shit was more serious. Remember Donald Sterling? He used to own the Clippers, and then he got caught on a secretly recorded tape saying some very unsavory things about African-Americans. And there’s a lesson in that for all of us. The lesson is if you are old and white and racist in this great country, whatever you do… don’t tell your black girlfriend about that shit. Because… that’s who made the tape. She recorded all that shit. And the tape was terrible. He was like, “Stop bringing black guys to my games.” At first, we were all confused. “How the f*ck are you gonna have a game without us?” But it turned out that the black guy he was speaking of was none other than Magic Johnson, the billionaire! Unbelievable. Never even mentioned the fact that he had AIDS, which is the first thing I would’ve said to my girlfriend. This guy must be really racist if AIDS is the footnote. “You gotta be careful, baby. He got the old Ebola.” [chuckles] You can say what you want about that girl, but I’m gonna tell you right now she is a goddamn hero. You might’ve thought these things were happening before, but now you can see it all in front of you without a shadow of a doubt. That shit actually went down. She sucked that old guy’s d*ck. She really took one for the team on that one. That’s really gross. His d*ck is, like, 80 years old. It’s like tasting history. Like, five wars on it, the Civil Rights Movement, the Great Depression. This guy’s been f*cking from 40 years before Bill Cosby‘s first rape. It’s a very old man. A very old penis. But all that shit is still just name-calling. Like, name-calling does not break the modern black man. That’s not gonna do the trick. I don’t give a f*ck about that. If I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken, and for some reason, everyone behind the counter had a Ku Klux Klan hood on top of their head, what do you think I’m gonna do in this day and age? Run out of Kentucky Fried Chicken? Not if I’m hungry. I’ll go straight to the front. “Hey, man. Let me get a two-piece.” I don’t give a f*ck what he says. “You want a biscuit with that, n*gger?” “I thought it came with a biscuit. What’s all this attitude? I want a two-piece. Chop, chop. You know what it is.” But I’m not gonna be mad. Why would I be mad? He’s the one that’s gotta work at Kentucky Fried Chicken, not me. How about this? What if I lived in Austin and I had a white girlfriend? It’s possible in Austin. As a matter of fact, some people say it’s necessary. But that’s not the point. And me and my white girlfriend are at home one night, and we’re just doing what lovers do. Maybe she’s butt-naked and she’s down on one knee, giving me a hand-job. I love a good hand-job. And she’s really jerking me off. You know, getting her obliques nice and tight. I got a huge d*ck, so she’s like… [grunting] And I’m like, “Wow, this really feels wonderful. I think I’m gonna come.” And then she looks up at me and goes, “Come in my face… n*gger.” I know, that’s a tough one. Well, what do you think I’m gonna do? “Hey!” That’s no time for integrity, ladies and gentlemen. I’m busting that nut in her face. I’ll sort through the ethics later. But I’m what they call a man of his word. If I say I’m coming, I’m coming. I don’t give a f*ck what happens. God forbid, somebody could shoot me. If I say I’m coming, there’s still that— [imitates gunshot] It doesn’t mean I like getting shot. Oh, boy. Yeah, a tough time for the blacks. I’m not gonna say nothing about the police. I’ll leave that for Chris Rock. The other big sports story was, f*cking, Ray Rice’s tape. Anyone see that Ray Rice tape? I can’t stop watching it. It’s f*cking awful. It’s the most violent thing I’ve seen happen to a woman that was shot in color. Really f*cking bad. If I could’ve froze time at that moment and gave Ray Rice some advice, I don’t think there’s any way possible I’d be like… “You should punch her in the face.” That’s a f*cking terrible idea. At the same time, I also believe she shouldn’t have rushed him. What the f*ck? You can’t beat him. Don’t rush a motherf*cker that’s trained to stiff-arm people in the clutch. He’s gonna get the upper hand. The only reason I bring him up is because he’s about to play football again. You didn’t know that? The NFL was told by a federal judge they had to reinstate Ray Rice because he was transparent with their investigation. He told them exactly what he did. And they can’t just change their ruling just because the tape came out. I get it. That’s like if I’m hanging out with my buddies, and I’m like, “Hey, guys, guess what I did last night? I f*cked this big, fat girl I met at the club.” And they’re all like, “Oh, shit, Dave. That’s crazy.” And then they see a tape of me doing it, and they’re like… “We can’t hang out with you anymore, Dave. That’s not what this crew is all about.” I’d be like, “What? I told y’all what I did.” What’s really f*cked up is the tape was made before they were married. Isn’t that weird? I don’t know why she’d do that. I don’t even know why he would do that. As a guy, would you want to live with a woman that you had once punched in the face with all your strength? That’s some very bold Color Purple-type shit. “Celie! Come out here and shave me!” Are you out of your f*cking mind? I had to ask an older friend of mine, just to get some perspective, this older black dude. Actually the fairest person I’ve ever met. And I asked him. I just said, “Hey, man, did you see that Ray Rice video?” And instantly, he was like, “David, that shit was disgusting.” And then a moment later, he goes… “I wonder what she said to him.” I don’t think that matters. I think the idea is you’re not supposed to punch her in the face. Because my wife says terrible shit to me. My wife once called me a pussy… in front of dinner guests. I know. I started to get mad, but then I was like, “F*ck it. She’s probably right.” I am a pussy. I admit it. I’m soft and warm and persuasive, like a real pussy. That’s right. Then I told her, “If you don’t take care of me properly, I might stink, like your pussy.” [crowd] Ohh! Oh, we fight dirty at the Chappelle household. It’s not a big deal. No, no. If you want to get to the bottom of a matter of the heart, what you’re supposed to do is ask a woman. Now, actually, there’s two women that I know— they’re both college professors in this little area I live in, and I meet them twice a week at Starbucks for coffee. We talk about important shit. And I asked the girls— we was in a coffee klatch. I said, “Yo, why do y’all think that this woman stayed with Ray Rice after he punched her in the face with all his strength?” And one of my girlfriends said, “David, you need to wake the f*ck up. She’s staying for the money.” Now, wait a minute, ’cause my other girlfriend was like, “I disagree. I think that she actually loves him.” And I said, “Wait a minute, ladies. You know what? I think that you’re both right.” And what I was doing when I said that was preserving the possibility of a threesome with these bitches. I’d been chipping away at this pussy one cup of coffee at a time for, like, four years. I wasn’t gonna throw that hard work away with some Ray Rice shit. I don’t care that much. I’m just being real. It’s f*cked up, man. It’s a tough time for the blacks. [man] I love you, Dave! I love you, too. And then here comes the banana peel. I’m waiting on it any second. You know that’s how it starts. I saw in the paper today that the guy that threw the banana at me got arrested again ’cause he threw a banana at another motherf*cker in a bar in Santa Fe. Look it up online after the show. He actually did that. And that guy was black, too. I’m just saying. And you know why the guy said he did it that night? He said, “I did it ’cause Dave Chappelle is racist.” So, n*gga? That’s not the best way to handle that if I am racist. What if Martin Luther King just went around throwing tuna casserole on white people? Would that work? [woman shouting] Huh? Come on, Dave! Your girl’s bubbling. She’s drunk as hell, buddy. Listen, sir, I don’t know what she’s saying, but just take my advice. Get some water in her, or you’re gonna have some dry pussy when you get home. His d*ck’s gonna be chafed the f*ck up tomorrow. Santa Maria. Who got a cigarette in here? Anyone got a cigarette I can borrow? Yeah. You, fella. Yeah, please. [crowd] Ohh! Let me see. This is a Marlboro menthol. This could’ve been anybody. If it was a Newport, I’d be like, “A black dude threw that up.” But a Marlboro menthol, that’s one of them riddles. Oh. [crowd cheering] Is the word “pussy” offensive? [crowd] No! All right, just checking, just checking. I asked that crowd when we was in Denver, “Is the word ‘pussy’ offensive?” And the whole crowd said no, except for two people. One was a woman in the front, older than me, maybe around my age. Definitely a feminist. You know what I mean. Short haircut, plaid shirt. You know what I’m saying. And she didn’t say it offended her. What she said is, she said, “I am uncomfortable with that word.” And I was like, “Really? You?” And before I could ask her why, there was one guy in the balcony— I don’t think he was saying this to me, but he said this. Everybody heard him say it. He goes, “It’s delicious.” I was like, “What?” I don’t think I’ve ever heard pussy called delicious before in my life. Now, this is not to say that it’s bad. But it’s definitely an acquired taste. I don’t think any of us tasted pussy our first time like… [smacking lips] “Mmm! It’s good!” It needs something. You know, it’s illegal for a gynecologist to say the word “pussy.” They can only say “vagina,” or they can name individual parts medically, but they can never say shorthand, even if the gynecologist is a woman. I feel like if it was a woman gynecologist, it’s cool. Like, “Am I all right?” She’s like, “Girl, that pussy is…” [clicks tongue] She’d be like, “Yeah.” I don’t think men should be allowed to be gynecologists. That shit is a conflict of interest. Even when my wife was pregnant, we used to go to a gynecologist… [chuckles] and he’d put her legs up in that stirrup like this. He’d be like, “All right, Mrs. Chappelle, just try to relax.” I’d push him. “Back up, motherf*cker! I got this. Just tell me what to look for.” One of those homestyle checkups. There’s too many ethical questions when men do that. Like, can a gynecologist lose their license… for smelling their fingers during an exam? Is that illegal? How could they not? These are men. It’s like if you have a good barbeque, you don’t even think about it. You just… The word “pussy” is only offensive if you’re older. People my age and younger, I don’t think we even— We dance to that shit. That song comes on the radio— ♪ I beat the pussy up ♪ That’s on the radio. ♪ I beat the pussy up ♪ That’s a pretty harsh song. It’s nothing like a love song. There’s no tracks of his tears, no midnight trains to Georgia. This man simply beats the pussy up. Unbelievable. You don’t even know if he’s having sex with these women. They might just pull their pants down. He’d be like, pow! “G-Unit!” You’ll be watching HBO. “Hi, I’m Larry Merchant, standing here ringside with the pussy after a devastating bout with 50 Cent. Pussy, come over here and let me talk to you for a second. My God, you look terrible. Your lips seem to be swollen. You’re bleeding a little bit. Tell me, pussy, what happened inside of that ring with 50?” [panting] “I don’t know, Larry. I felt really good in the first round. I was ready to fight. I was warm and moist, and… I don’t know. He just hit me from angles I wasn’t expecting. Front, left. The backside surprised me the most.” “Well, pussy, let’s take a look at round four. This is where it all went wrong for you. Here you come out of your corner, pussy. You’re fighting really good. It looks like you got 50 with a right and a left, but then 50 slips you a jab. And there. There. Right there. You see that? He punches you right on that— that little bean thing you have on the top of your head. I don’t know what that is. There’s 50 just pounding away at that bean, over and over. Now, pussy, tell me, what goes through a fighter’s mind when their bean gets rattled around like that?” “I don’t think I was thinking anything, Larry. I’m a real good defensive fighter. It’s real hard to get to me. I’ve never been punched directly on my bean before. As a matter of fact, most fighters don’t even know that bean exists. I guess he just hit me, then I lost control of my legs. I don’t know what else to tell you.” I like when Lil Wayne talks about pussy, because he’s— Remember Lil Wayne used to have that song? He say, “♪ I got a bitch that plays movies In my Jacuzzi” ♪ Then he goes like this: “♪ Pussy juicy ♪” That shit— That shit always makes me laugh. No guy says that. Only Lil Wayne says some shit like that. If you was f*cking a girl, and she’s like, “Is this pussy good?” And you’re like, “Yeah, it’s juicy. It’s good.” The pussy was juicy. That’s why I’m not Lil Wayne. ‘Cause if I was in a hot tub with a girl, and I could tell that the pussy was juicy while I was in the hot tub, I’d probably get out of the tub. I’m a germophobe. I just picture Lil Wayne like… “What is this strange oil… floating in my hot tub water? It’s pussy juice.” That shit was so funny to me, I must’ve wrote, like, no less than 40 jokes with the punch line “pussy juice,” and all of them worked to some degree 100% of the time. I’ll do one more just so you believe me. Okay. All right. In this next piece, it’s a special episode of CSI. For some reason, Lil Wayne’s guest starring as the lead detective. Okay? That’s the setup. Are you ready? Here it goes. “Has anyone else been on this crime scene?” “No.” “It’s very strange. This place is virtually undisturbed. No forced entry. No sign of a struggle. Shine your flashlight right here. I just slipped in something. What is this? What is this? It glistens in the light. Smooth to the touch. This is pussy juice. She must’ve been sitting Indian style.” Thirty-nine more where that came from. Everybody’s mad about something. Recently, I got attacked online by some gay bloggers, and it hurt my feelings. I have no problem with gay people, but I f*cking hate bloggers. I’m not saying it ’cause this person was gay. They was just acting like a bitch online. They was mischaracterizing my jokes, trying to make a point off of me, when it was really like— “Yo, I’m your ally, motherf*cker. I’m not trying to stop gay people. I got better shit to do.” This motherf*cker was saying things, trying to get gay people to beat me up. Seriously, he was like… [effeminate voice] “Dave Chappelle’s jokes—” I don’t know how he actually talks. I’m just making his voice up. “Dave Chappelle’s jokes were an affront to the manhood of all gay men.” What the f*ck does that mean? I didn’t say anything that would allude to gay men not being men. I know you’re men. In fact, what could be manlier than f*cking another guy in the ass? It’s the most gangster shit I’ve ever heard of in my life. I told you, I’m not cut out for that. I’m a pussy. You know what I said? This is all I said. First of all, I’ll tell you right now what I said, and I’ll tell you this was not a joke. It’s a true story, and I just happened to tell it. What happened was, I went to a gallery party, all right? I don’t know who in here has ever been rich before, but these are very nice parties. You know, wine and cheese and baller conversation. And there was a few eccentric types, one of which was a very wealthy man that happened to be wearing a dress. I don’t know what you call him. A tranny, or a drag queen, perhaps. Whatever he was, he was definitely a man. And this man was definitely on drugs. I don’t know what kind of drugs he was on, but I knew he had too much. He didn’t look good. He was like this. [moans] He looked sick, and all his friends were standing around him, concerned, trying to revive him. I don’t know what, it looked like some kind of gay CPR. There was fanning and shit. They was like— I saw all this from a distance. Now, I should’ve minded my own business, but I got curious. I was like… And I went over there. All I said, “Excuse me, gentlemen. Is he okay?” Then they looked at me like I was evil. “She is fine.” I said, “Word? Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t know this is what we were doing.” Here’s my thing. I support anybody’s right to be whoever they feel like they are inside. I’m your ally in that. However… my question is… to what degree do I have to participate in your self-image? Is it fair that I have to change my whole pronoun game up for this motherf*cker? That doesn’t make sense. Seriously. If I put on an argyle sweater, and I’m like, “Hey, everybody, I feel like a white guy in this sweater, and I want some goddamn respect and a bank loan,” that’s not gonna work. You don’t give a f*ck how I feel. Why should I give a f*ck how you feel? “N*gger” is a pronoun. But there was no time for philosophical debate. This was an emergency situation. I said, “Fine. I’m sorry, guys. I was just worried because— because she looks terrible. And she just fell off the bench. It appears that her d*ck is popping out of her dress. You mind if I call an ambulance, champ? I’d rather not be at a party where a tranny OD’s. There’s too many questions to answer.” Okay, I’ve been through this before. I had a friend from high school. Now, in high school, this guy was a thug. He was a f*cking dope boy. He did it all. He was a wild dude. People used to be very scared of him. And then after high school, word on the street was he had come out the closet. I personally didn’t believe it. I bring him up because last year, he calls me out of the blue, like, “Yo, what’s up, man? I got your number from so-and-so. I heard you’re gonna be in New York doing a show. Could I get some tickets?” I was like, “F*ck yeah, you can get some tickets. How you been?” He said, “We’ll catch up at the show, but I appreciate it. I’ll see you soon.” I said, “All right, man. Take care.” I was about to hang up, but I couldn’t resist. I was just like, “Hey, n*gga, I heard you was gay. What’s going on with that?” And I wish I didn’t ask. ‘Cause he sounded like he was dying to talk about that shit, and he had a long story about it. It’s not that I didn’t care, but I was— I don’t like talking on the phone. I was watching TV at the same time. So, I just wasn’t really paying attention like I should. I was trying to sound supportive, but I didn’t really know what to say. So, I just mumbled and shit throughout this conversation. I was like, “Well, you know, n*gga, you’re gay, man. You’re just gay. Come on, man.” This went on for a while. Then finally, I had to say something definitive to get him off the phone. And I was like, “Hey, you know what? Don’t let people get you down, all right? And the next time someone tries to make you feel bad about yourself, just remember: Everybody f*cks funny to somebody.” He didn’t like that shit. He said, “What the f*ck does that mean?” I said, “Huh?” He said, “You saying I f*ck funny, motherf*cker?” I said, “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying everybody’s different.” He said, “You didn’t say ‘different.’ You said ‘funny.’ What’s so f*cking funny about the way I f*ck?” And I said, “Hey, man, I f*ck feet.” He said, “What?!” Oh, this is not a joke, ladies and gentlemen. I get women to squeeze their feet together like this, and I f*ck them right in that little space in their feet. But you can’t build a community behind that shit. There’s no flag for us. That shit made him laugh. The next day, after the show, I saw him backstage. He was like, “What’s up, man? I’m like, “Oh, shit! What’s going on?” He had his buddy with him. He goes, “Dave, I want you to meet Manuel. Manuel’s my fiancé. We’re in New York getting married ’cause it’s legal here.” I said, “Oh. Well, congratulations, fellas.” And Manuel was like, “Gracias.” And he went to go get some drinks, and then my buddy looked at me. He was like, “So, Dave… what do you think?” And I started mumbling again. “Well, you’re gay, n*gga. You know, you’re just gay.” He said, “I’m a little nervous about getting married, man. It’s a big step.” I said, “Yeah, it is. It’s a big step.” He said, “You’ve been married for a while. You got any advice for us?” “No, I’m married to a woman. Sorry about that.” And he corrected me. He said, “No. You married the person that you love, so it’s essentially the same.” I said, “You know, man, the problem with that statement is that it makes the assumption that I love her. But—” Will you guys lighten the f*ck up? Of course I love my wife. She laughs at this shit. As a matter of fact, she eats and spends this shit. No, I told him, I said, “You know what you should do, man? First of all, you shouldn’t do it.” I’m talking about being legally married. It’s not that you’re gay as much as just legal marriage is a f*cking diabolical leverage game in the United States. I’m just being honest. Devoid of religious significance or the idea of love, marriage is nothing but an awful contract that you shouldn’t sign. I’m just being real. Because you start out loving each other. Then two years later, you’re just building a case against one another… for a hypothetical court date that may or may not ever happen. You throw being gay on top of that, that shit is explosive. It’s that Ray Rice shit. Right after Ray Rice went through all that shit, I was at a party and I met this kid Michael Sam. You know Michael Sam? Very nice guy. He’s the first openly gay NFL player. And Michael’s a very nice guy, a very brave guy, but when I met him, I couldn’t help but think, “What’s gonna happen when Michael Sam beats his wife up in the elevator? Is that domestic violence, or is that just two n*gga s working shit out in an elevator?” You know what I mean? Anyway… I give all married men the same advice, gay or straight. Get a dog. Because a dog will love you all the time, but she’s not going to. It was real talk. I didn’t even know about dogs, and my kids got the dog. They brought him home from the shelter. I didn’t even want him. They were like, “Can we keep him?” I said, “Nope.” I said, “Where did you get this dog?” They’re like, “From the shelter.” I was like, “Ugh. Probably something wrong with him. Can’t keep him.” And then my kids started crying and screaming like the dog had gambling debts. “Please, Dad! If you don’t let us keep him, they’re gonna kill him!” I was like, “Oh— All right, you can keep him.” And this dog was a menace. I hated his guts. One night, I’d smoked a bunch of weed, and I was eating a sandwich, and Baba came over— Baba is the dog. He came over and was staring at me. This will make you very uncomfortable, if he’s just looking at you eating. I had to give him a piece of my sandwich so he’d go away, and that’s how we became friends. Now, if you see me walking down the street with Baba, I ain’t got no leash or nothing. He walks right next to me. If I stop, he’ll stop. And if I go, he’ll go. And all my friends are like, “Yo, Dave, that shit is dope. How’d you train Baba to do that shit?” “I’ve never trained Baba. I’m just a messy eater.” If I drop food and Baba’s not around, all I gotta do is call him. “Baba!” He’s a black dude’s dog, so he doesn’t come right away. He peeks first to see what’s going on. I gotta tap my foot so he can see the food. “Over here, little buddy.” He’s like, “Thanks, Dave,” and he’ll come get it and run off. But he knows all my habits. If he smells weed in the house, he’ll be like… [sniffing] “Oh, this motherf*cker’s about to eat.” And he’ll just come running. Baba got me through a very difficult time in my marriage. We spend the most time together. It’s not that me and my wife don’t spend time together, but we’ve been married so long, we don’t talk like— I don’t know if anyone’s married here, but after ten years, all that chatty shit goes away. You’ve said it all. You know what I mean. Yeah. We’re just in the zone. She says the same shit to me every night before she goes to bed. I’ll be the last one up. She’s like, “I’m gonna get some sleep, Dave. Good night.” “All right, babe. I’m gonna stay up and watch television. Good night.” Then she’ll walk halfway up the steps. “David?” “Hmm?” “Don’t eat the kids’ lunch.” And then she walks away. Well, the crazy shit is, I don’t even eat their lunch anymore. Back in the day, I used to eat that shit. You know how that goes. Now I might smoke some weed in the middle of the night, and she’ll leave neatly-wrapped sandwiches all over the kitchen. I’m gonna eat it. What’s the big deal? Why can’t she just make another one in the morning? I mean, I got sons anyway. And sons love everything their dads do. My kids will be at school the next day like, “Oh, Dad bit my sandwich. Oh, shit!” Their dad is Dave Chappelle, man. You could trade that sandwich for something better. What I’m doing is adding value to their lunch. But she doesn’t understand these types of things. Anyway, she gets mad at me. She’s mad at me now ’cause I got myself in trouble. I got myself extorted, which happens in this business. I come home from the road. There was a FedEx sitting on the kitchen table, and it was addressed to me, so I opened it. I don’t know who delivered it. And there was a videocassette inside with a note written on it that said, “Gotcha.” Oh, my God. Can you imagine? I freaked out. I tore the whole house apart, trying to find a VCR. I hadn’t seen a tape in over a decade. And I watched the tape, and it was awful. They got me. It was a tape of me— I was f*cking a girl, okay? But it was from before I was married. But it was not a good look. And I felt sick to my stomach, and I looked up at the clock, and then I saw my wife was coming home in ten minutes, and I just panicked. I jerked off to the tape real fast, and then— and then I called the FBI. Who, by the way, made me feel much better. They didn’t say they were gonna catch ’em for sure, but they had the demeanor of some confident people that would catch ’em. So, I didn’t worry about it too much. And then, not even a week later, five days later, I come home, and there’s another videocassette sitting on my porch. As soon as I saw it, I just called the police. “They’ve done it again. You should probably look for a guy with bell-bottoms on, because I don’t know who the f*ck is sending tapes!” And that second tape was the worst shit I’d ever seen in my life. It was awful. Career-ending bad. It was a tape of me… jerking off to the tape a week earlier. I don’t even know how they’d even get such a thing. I had to explain all of this to my wife. She was very mad. No thing in this world is as cold as a woman’s cold shoulder, ’cause she was mad, but she wouldn’t talk to me about it. She would just punish me in little ways, make me do shit that I hate to do. Like pick the kids up from school. That’s one thing she made me do. That’s a hardship for me. I got one son that goes to a public school. And… his little brother goes to a private school. It’s an experiment. I just want to see what’s gonna happen to them. But what’s weird is, my little son in private school, he’s, like, my thuggy son, you know what I mean? I don’t know where he gets that from. He’s not getting it from me. And he’s definitely not getting it from that school. That school is very— It’s a liberal school. It’s the kind of school— there might be, like, 12 black students in the entire school, and I’m the only black parent. And none of the parents like me, either. Not ’cause I’m black, but they don’t like how I roll. I’ll be showing up late all the time, and I’m, like, in a Porsche, and I’m blasting music that they don’t like. ♪ I beat the pussy up ♪ Then I pull into the parking lot. I might be smoking a cigarette with the kids in the car. Then I pull into that handicapped space. And when I get out of the handicapped space, they always want to say some passive-aggressive shit. “Morning, Dave. Don’t know if you noticed, but you actually parked in the handicapped space.” “Yeah, you know, Frank, I did notice. But who is this handicapped guy we’re all waiting on that never shows up?” So, I hate going over to that school. The only parents that are nice to me is a lesbian couple— Kate and Sarah. Actually, Kate hates my guts. Sarah knows that I’m black, and she’s half-black, so she just understands me. You know what I’m saying? I can’t explain it. Because I’ll say shit, and Kate’s just too serious about being a lesbian. I’ll be like, “Hey, Kate. Hey, Sarah. You guys going to the father-son picnic next week? How’s that gonna work?” And Kate will instantly be furious. But Sarah knows I’m f*cking around, so she’ll just say something cool. “I don’t know, Dave. Maybe me and Kate will flip for that shit.” I said, “Bitch, you better save that coin toss, because everybody knows you’re strapping on in that household.” And then Kate will turn bright red, but Sarah just fist-bumps me, like, “You’re right, n*gga. It’s me. Bop.” We’re good friends. We’re good friends. They invite me to stuff. They’re my only friends at the school. So, imagine my surprise when I go to pick my son up after all this happens. And the teacher is waiting outside for me. She’s just standing right there in the middle of the handicapped space. I knew something was wrong, so I rolled the window down. “What’s going on?” “Hi, David. Can we talk to you for a minute in the office?” I said, “No, f*ck that. We gotta talk right here. What’s going on?” I knew it was bad. “Ibrahim had a fight.” I said, “A fight?” “Don’t worry. Everyone’s okay.” I said, “Everyone? What happened?” “Well, that’s it. We don’t know what happened because he won’t talk to anybody. All we know is that he punched Sarah Jr. in the face.” I said, “Oh, no!” Sarah’s one of the only parents I’m not sure I can beat up in this school. Just then, Kate and Sarah pulled up to pick up their daughter, and then we all had to go into the office, and I was really worried ’cause I didn’t want them to kick me out of the school. And then they brought my son in. He was crying. They brought him in like a prisoner. He was like, “Ohh! Oh!” I said, “Son, stop crying, calm down. Do not look at these mean faces. I need you to look at my face, and I need you to tell me the truth, buddy, all right? Just tell me the truth. Is it true? Did you punch that girl Sarah Jr. in the face?” I was trying to give him a signal to lie, but he didn’t pick up on it. I was like… He wasn’t paying attention. He’s like, “Yes, Daddy, I punched her face.” “Oh, my God. Why? Why would you do that? You’re not supposed to put your hands on anybody.” And his answer was so gangster, it scared all the parents in the room. He was like… [whimpering] “‘Cause she had it coming.” I said… And everyone looked at me. I said, “I did not teach him. I don’t know where he got that from.” I said, “What does that mean, son? That is crazy talk! What does that mean?” And then he just started crying like he was Tupac. [crying] “These kids keep f*cking with me!” I told his teacher, I said, “Well, now, wait a minute. This kid is a lot of things, but he’s not a liar. And if he said they was f*cking with him, they did something to him. Son, what’s going on? What did they do to you?” “Dad, I’m tired of this shit. It’s been going on all week.” I said, “What’s going on all week?” He said, “We was at lunch, and that bitch bit my sandwich.” I said, “Oh.” He said, “It’s the fourth time this week. I’m tired of this sandwich-biting bitch.” I said, “Stop using that word. Let’s go home.” That’s a quiet car ride home. We got to the house, he just ran right up to his room, slammed the door. His mother came downstairs. By then, she’d heard about everything. She was looking at me, like, “Oh, my God.” I said, “I know. It’s f*cked up.” She said, “You bit that goddamn sandwich, didn’t you, Dave?” I said, “I’m tired of you accusing me of shit!” And I just ran out of the house. Jumped in my car and drove off. Of course I bit that sandwich. But I knew that she was just really mad about that tape, so now she was gonna punish me about a f*cking sandwich that I’d bit. I was mad as f*ck. You know what I said to myself? I said, “I should just never go home. F*ck this shit.” By the way, that’s how people used to get divorced in the ’40s. There wasn’t no divorce court in America. Back in those days, if you wanted to get out your marriage, you’d just tell your wife, “Hey, baby, I’m gonna get a pack of cigarettes. I’ll be right back.” You would just leave with the clothes on your back. That’s when men were men. And there was no Internet back then, so you could move 11 miles away and have a whole new life. But I ended up going back home… late at night, and came in the room, and she was actually changing for bed. You can always tell your wife is mad at you when they cover their titties up when you walk in. “Oh!” “Let those titties out. It’s me, baby. Can we just talk about this for a minute?” She said, “David, there’s nothing to talk about. I already know you bit the sandwich. And don’t go looking for their lunch. I hid it.” I said, “I don’t want to talk about the sandwich. I want to talk about it. The tape. I know that’s why you’re mad.” It was a very difficult conversation. I had to crack a few jokes. And she laughed a little, and it helped her relax, and we started talking, and then she cracked a few jokes… that hurt my feelings, honestly. But— But we talked. And you know what she told me? She told me that she was madder about the second extortion tape than she was about the first one. Which doesn’t make sense at all. What’s wrong with a guy touching his own private parts? It’s my own business. It’s not like I do it all the time. As a matter of fact, sometimes I do it for her benefit. A lot of guys do this. It’s called the mercy jerk. That’s the one that happens in the middle of the night when you’re about to roll on top of her and you see her face, and you’re like, “She looks tired.” That takes a lot of love and discipline to back out of a room with a rock-hard d*ck. Sometimes I don’t make it. “Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Someone fell asleep with their socks off, didn’t they?” You can’t rape feet. You can’t rape feet. The only time I jerk off now is if I know how long she’ll be gone. That’s the only way I can get my head in the game. Sometimes she’ll tell me, “Dave, I’m gonna take the kids to my mom’s real quick. I’ll probably be back in a couple of hours.” “A couple hours?” You can get a good one in in two hours. That’s the kind of session where you’ll take all your clothes off. I’ll be butt-naked in the living room like, “Get these f*cking toys out of my way!” Disgusting. Foot on the coffee table, just stroking it out, taking my time. And I got a bowl of cereal waiting for me right here. That’s when you have that privacy. You can have a loud orgasm. I miss those. [screaming] You know, when a guy busts a nut, right after that, there’s a window of six minutes where he does the most rational thinking he ever does. That’s when he’s always horrified. [grunting and panting] “My God, what have I done? Oh, my God, it’s everywhere. [screaming] Baba!” Thank you very much, Austin, Texas. I had a wonderful time. Be well, be happy. Good night, everybody. Thank you. [announcer] Give it up one more time for Dave Chappelle! [music playing] ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Revolution ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ [man] I’m rich, biatch! [horn honks]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

JIM JEFFERIES: BARE (2014) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-bare-2014-full-transcript/

[Car horn honks] [Audience cheering] [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Mr. Jim Jefferies! [Upbeat music playing] Hello! Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. [Chuckles] Thank you, Boston. I appreciate that. [Whooping] Uh, that’s very sweet of you. [Man] Love you! I’m at the end of the tour right now. I’m very happy to be on tour because I now have a child. Ah, so… any time out of home is good for me. Um, I got my girlfriend pregnant after knowing her for two months. So… [Audience cheering] Thank you. Thank you. Life decisions. And she’s a nice girl, and I love her in a way, sure. My problem with my girlfriend is, she’s very sweet, but she’s shit at telling stories, and I’m awesome at telling stories, so it really bothers me when she talks. And I don’t know if that’ll be a problem in the future, but it’s a problem now and I don’t see it getting better. Um… I’ll give you an example, right? I was in the car, and my son Hank was asleep in the back seat, and we’re driving along, and on the radio comes Madonna, and my girlfriend just slips into conversation, “Oh, I used to party with Madonna.” And I went, “You fucking what, when?” And she went, “I used to party with Madonna.” Now, I should fill you in a little bit on this. My girlfriend used to be a model in Miami, right? I’m not bragging. I didn’t get the model years. I didn’t get those years. I’ve seen the photos. Very impressive. Um… So, I said, “So you used to party with Madonna. Madonna used to have big parties and invite models over, right?” And she went, “No, no, it would just be me and a few other people.” I go, “You need to elaborate on this story right now.” And she goes, “Oh, okay, I used to date the center for the Miami Heat.” As soon as you hear that the mother of your child used to date an NBA center, even if this guy’s even slightly in proportion… a lot of things flood through your head. First thing is, “That’s why your cunt’s so fucked up.” That’s a big one. “That’s why our child came out while you were walking. I understand.” So she said, “I used to date the center for the Miami Heat. His best friend was Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodman used to go out with Madonna, and we used to go over to Madonna’s house.” And she goes, “This one time, the four of us were over at Madonna’s house, and we were all fucked up on drugs, and one thing led to another…” And then I went, “Shut the fuck up!” And she went, “What?” I said, “I know what ‘one thing led to another’ means! You all started fucking each other!” And she went, “We did. We started…” “Just shut up!” And she goes, “What do you care for?” I said, “You’re the mother of my child! I don’t wanna picture you being fucked by a 7’2″ NBA player while you’re licking out Madonna’s muscular vagina and Dennis Rodman is in the corner stroking his tattooed cock, going…” [Moaning] And she goes, “Oh, you’re being silly. What do you care for? You’ve partied way more than I have in my life.” And I went, “That is not true. I’ve gotten wasted way more than you have, but I have, in no way, partied way more than you have. Often, I get wasted just by myself. I wouldn’t call it a party.” For most of my career, I was a struggling comedian, right? And this is how struggling comedians party, right? It’s 5:00 a.m., Monday, right? We’re in a one-bedroom apartment. Seven of us are standing around a coffee table, trying to stretch out two grams of coke. One of us is at the end of the table giving conspiracy theories… and the rest of us are talking about where women might be. One of us has come up with a plan. The plan goes like this, “Well… nurses will be finishing their shift soon. Maybe if we just stand out the front of the ER, they’ll appreciate seven funny guys.” [Chuckles] I don’t… You know, I’ve never partied like a model. I have partied twice in my life. Twice. Like, really partied. I’ve had good nights out, but I’ve really partied twice. If you really party, and most people never experience this, it’s an amazing thing. It happens in Vegas. It can only happen in Vegas, and it’s gotta involve celebrity, right? I’m not famous, but the people around me were super famous, and I was at this party in the night club, and they took me in. And then there’s the night club, but then there’s the real night club out the back, which is, like, the size of this stage. It’s only a little room. And you go back there and you can just… They encourage you to take drugs in the open, and you’re just doing it off a key, [Sniffs] and they’re going, “No, dude. Use the table. Don’t use your…” And I go, “Oh, oh. Oh, sorry. Um…” And it’s confusing at first, and then their security will drag women off that other night club into your room. Just bring ’em in like, “Huh?” And you can do this. You can go… “Uh…” Like that. And they’ll drag these women away. It is the best thing you’ll ever do with your life. When you party that hard as a man, there’s a lot of remorse ’cause you have to tip everyone a lot of money. You wake up in the morning with a terrible hangover, and you go to your friends. You go, “Oh, my God. We partied so hard last night. I spent $5,000.” When a hot girl parties that hard, she wakes up in the morning and goes, “Oh, my God. We partied so hard last night. I made $5,000.” And that’s a vastly different emotion that… I don’t think women will never… Yeah, okay. This is the thing. In America, at the moment, they’re trying to raise the minimum wage to, I don’t know, $16 an hour or something like that, and whenever they bring up this argument, they always go, “And still to this day, women only earn 70% of what men earn in the workplace.” And of course, that’s disgusting. How dare women earn so much? Like… a lot of things that I say tonight will be jokes that I don’t actually mean, but this is something I’m really passionate about. Women do not deserve to earn as much money as men in the workplace. I’m sorry. I… [Audience whooping] I’m not being a misogynistic bastard, right? I’m not saying that women don’t work as hard. I’m sure they do. I’m not saying they don’t do as good a job. What I’m saying is they don’t deserve to earn as much money as men. Right? Men need that extra 30% to buy meals and drinks and Jim Jefferies tickets and all that shit! [Audience cheering] Now… I’m sure there’s women in this room that are saying, “Oh, I pay for my drinks. I bought my own ticket.” And don’t think we don’t appreciate the uglies, ’cause we do. Right? We do. But there’s little things in society that you can’t change. Men have extra expenses that you’ll never understand. There’s holidays that are just for women. Like Valentine’s Day is just for women. They say it’s for romantics. They say it’s for couples or something like that. It’s just for women. There’s no man who gets excited by Valentine’s Day. There’s no man that when he sees the Valentine’s Day decorations go up in the shopping mall, he goes, “Oh, Valentine’s Day is coming!” Valentine’s Day is a mathematical equation that every man has in his head, and it goes like this, “How much money do I have to spend today so that you won’t act like a cunt?” It doesn’t stop there. Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day rocked around in my house when my son was six months old. My girlfriend’s first Mother’s Day. And she went, “Oh, I wonder what I’ll get for Mother’s Day.” And I went, “Probably fucking nothing. He’s got no money. He’s six months old. What do you think he’s gonna buy you?” Within an hour, her friends were over at the house, just by coincidence, telling me what a bad person I was and how important Mother’s Day is to a new mum, you know? And so, I went and bought her a cappuccino machine ’cause I assumed that’s what Hank would have wanted her to have… and I wrote a card. I’m not a bastard. I wrote a card. I’m right-handed. So I got my left hand. Every new dad knows this. You get the crayon and you go, [Imitating child] “Happy Mother’s Day. Love, Hank.” And I went, “H-A-N…” And then I did the “K” back-to-front because he’s a fucking moron. See, now I know there’s people in the room, they’re thinking, “Well, fathers have Father’s Day.” Father’s Day is bullshit. It’s fucking shit, Father’s Day. Father’s Day came around and my girlfriend went, “What do you want for Father’s Day?” And I went, “I don’t want anything. Don’t even worry about it. I don’t want anything.” And she goes, “Come on. You gotta have something.” I said, “Honestly, I don’t want anything.” And she goes, “Come on.” And I went, “It’s my fucking money. Just don’t touch it. Just leave my money alone. How hard is this? How about, for 24 hours, you don’t touch my fucking money? That would be a gift.” That’s why every single father has that one Father’s Day gift that they cherish, and it’s shit! It’s, like, a fucking ceramic mug that the kid made in school where the handle’s too big, and it says, “I heart Dad.” And they keep that for 20 fucking years, this mug. And do you wanna know why they like it? Every now and again, they look at it and go… “That cost me nothing, that mug.” [Audience whooping] See… wouldn’t it be nice to have one day that was for men and for fathers and all that type of stuff, but didn’t cost anything, that everyone could participate in, right? I’ve got it, right? April 18th… Anal Sex Day. [Men cheering loudly] It’s good, isn’t it? Everyone’s girlfriend or wife has to take it in the ass on April 18th. It’s nice. A month before, you’d be walking around the shopping center going, “Oh, the decorations are up!” [Men whooping] And it’s good ’cause if your bird didn’t take it in the ass, you could do the same thing that women do on Valentine’s Day when they don’t get a gift. You could go like, “Oh, me mate, Jason, his wife took it in the ass twice. Yeah, obviously, they’re more connected than we are. They’ve, uh…” I’m thinking, I don’t do much merchandise after my shows and stuff, but I’m thinking of bringing out some April 18th T-shirts. Not even putting “Jim Jefferies” on them or anything. Just T-shirts that say, “April 18th.” ‘Cause it’s good, right? You’re in a bar. You’re a guy. You see a guy at the other end of the bar with an April 18th, and you go… Fucking friends for life, right? But even better, you see a girl with an April 18th T-shirt. The weird thing is I’m bigging-up anal sex here, and I don’t even really like fucking girls in the ass that much. I’m not even a huge fan. I much prefer the cunt. I think it’s a much more… I think that a cunt is a much more purpose-built thing to fuck. But, you know, anal sex… Oh, you know… I do it. I get involved, ’cause I feel like I have to. You know, I… But I’ve never been a big fan of the ass fucking, I, uh… When I watch it on porn, it seems very inviting. The girl’s taking it so fluently in her ass, and she seems to be having fun, and, uh… But the thing is, you can’t smell porn. You don’t smell porn. You just… You just watch it. They never… And it’s different, porn. It’s different. They clean the girl’s asshole. They pump water into it until it’s very hygienic. I’m sure. And the girl seems to be so happy. She’s like… You’ve got it in her pussy, you’re fucking her, and then she’s like, “Put it in my ass.” She’s inviting. It’s like you’re doing her a favor in porn. And then she’s like… She says things… I don’t know, things like, “I’m enjoying that. Keep putting it in my ass. Fuck my ass. I love a cock in my ass.” And… And the experience I’ve had in my own life has been vastly different. I’ve… My experience has been a lot of crying. Now, although that can help you come at times, it’s not what you want… It’s not what you want for every day. I like the girl who acts like she’s enjoying it. Like, you know when your girlfriend’s like, “I’m gonna act like I enjoy it.” She does that whole, “Yeah. Oh, no, that’s good.” [Moaning] Ahh! ♪ I’m having a good time ♪ And then they’re always going, “Are you done? Are you close to done?” You never fuck a pussy and they go, “Are you almost done? Finish this.” Like that. If you’re fucking ass, they don’t want you… They want it all over, quick. And they do other things, the porn girls. I don’t know how much they get paid. I’m sure it’s more than what the men get paid. It’s the opposite bit of society. Um… But they do a thing called “ATM.” I don’t know if you know what that is, kids. That stands for “ass to mouth.” That’s where the porn girl will pull the cock from out of her anus, and she’ll put it directly in her mouth, and she’ll say something like, “I love the taste of my ass. Let me taste my ass.” And then the man, as a favor to this woman, puts his cock in her mouth to congratulate her on the fine work… [Applause] she’s been doing. Now, I had a drunken night with my ex-girlfriend where she thought she’d be all wild and try that. Once again, vastly different experience. I’m not a big fan of the ass fucking, and I don’t know of any man, if they’re truthful, really is. Now, there’s women in the room who are thinking, “Well, why does my guy constantly bother me to fuck me in my ass?” [Woman shouting] What a good question. [Woman whoops] Women, the reason that men like fucking you in the ass is because… we know you fucking hate it. [Cheering] So… I’m a father. Um… I love my son! I love my son the same way that I love cigarettes. I like to hold him for five minutes every hour, and the rest of the time, I’m thinking about how he’s fucking killing me. He’s a good little boy. No, he’s a great little fella. I really like him. Um… My girlfriend super loves him, though. It’s fucking creepy. And… I’m glad I have a son. That worked out good for me. I wouldn’t be a good father to a girl. It wouldn’t be good for me. Nothing weird. Wouldn’t fuck it. I… I just don’t get along with women. You know how it is. I don’t want them in my house, and… So… Because you dream, see… For example, okay? When Hank was born… the couple over the road, within two weeks of Hank being born, had a baby girl, and rightly or wrongly, the first thing that went through my head was… “Aw, that’s great. I hope Hank fucks that one day.” That’s what I think… ‘Cause that’s what I think about my son. I hope when he’s of age, he just fucks everything. I don’t care if my son is gay or straight. All I care about is, when he is of age, that he gets every bit of fucking pussy or cock that he desires. That is my dream for my son! [Audience cheering] But never in the history of fathers and daughters, has a father held his baby girl and gone, “Oh, I hope you have a lot of cocks through you in your life. I hope you’re never shy of a cock. I hope you pass out at parties and all the boys are queuing up.” Right, you know… And it’s not just me. Women treat baby girls and baby boys differently as well. My girlfriend goes to the gym every morning. I go there very occasionally, and when you go to the gym, there’s a little daycare crèche thing in the gym where you can hand your child off, and inside that daycare, there’s, like, three women in their 50s. They’re very nice ladies, and you hand your kid off and he plays. Then when you finish your workout, you come and get him. And there’s a woman that works there who just loves my son. She sees all the other kids, but she loves Hank, and Hank fucking loves her, and the two of them light up when they see each other. And it’s super cute, I bring Hank up the stairs, and he starts going, “Uh, uh!” Trying to reach at her, all right? And she does this, she goes, “Everyone, my boyfriend’s here. Here’s my boyfriend. Give him here. He’s my boyfriend.” And then she kisses him, and she goes, ♪ My boyfriend gives me kisses My boyfriend gives me kisses ♪ It’s fucking adorable. But I tried doing that with a baby girl… Let’s say you go to the gym and there’s a daycare, and me and a couple of my mates are working there. “Hey, everyone… me girlfriend’s here. Give her here. Give her here. She’s my girlfriend. My girlfriend gives me kisses. You know that, right? She’s always giving me kisses. Enjoy your workout. Don’t worry about a thing.” [Applause] [Cheering] So… Also… it’s just easier to bring up a son than it is a daughter. It’s just little things. Even when they’re babies, it’s just easier. There’s a wiping technique when you’re wiping a baby’s ass. I don’t know if you have children, but this is how you do it. The baby lays on its back. You put their feet together. You lift the feet up, and then you go in and wipe. With a boy, you can wipe like that. Up and down, side to side, whatever the fuck you want, right? With a girl, you gotta wipe downward and away. Downward and away. It’s very important that you wipe away from the cunt. Very important. ‘Cause it turns out that women of all ages hate having shit in their cunts. They do. They fucking hate it. Boys don’t give a shit. Fucking… My son will have shit all over his dick and balls, and I’ll be cleaning it off under the foreskin, and he’ll be laughing like it’s the best day ever. Even at my age now, I find it funny if I have shit on my dick. If I fuck my girlfriend in the ass, I pull out, I’ve got shit on my dick, I’ll ring me mate Jason up and go, “Hey, Jason… It’s happened again. I got shit on my dick.” And he’ll tell me a similar story about when he had shit on his dick, and we’ll laugh and laugh and laugh. But never in the history of women has there been a woman with shit in her cunt and she’s thought, “Oh, I can’t wait to call Karen.” [Chuckles] [Laughs] When you… When my girlfriend got pregnant… When you meet… When you haven’t got a child, couples who have children are always bragging about how cool it is to have children. Whenever you meet couples with children they’re always like, “It is the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done with my life. My heart grows larger and larger every day.” And then the second that my girlfriend got pregnant, those same people went like this, “You’re never gonna sleep again! [Laughs maniacally] Forget about it. It’s over. You’re not gonna sleep.” They’re constantly telling you you’re not gonna sleep. Raising a baby is not that hard. I’ll tell you what, it’s easier than a coke habit. I had a coke habit for seven-and-a-half fucking years! At least it’s not me who wakes up crying anymore! I can sleep through other people crying. I’ve had girlfriends. That’s like white noise to me. I find it soothing. See, me and my girlfriend, just two months, we went, “Fuck it! Let’s have a kid.” Fucking did it, right? These other people, man… You know these couples, and they date from high school, and then they go out for a bit longer, and then after being together for like, seven years, they go, “We’re getting engaged. You wanna come to the party?” And you wanna say, “No, you’re really boring and we hate you.” But you go, “Oh, okay, great. You’re still together, are you? You fucked one person, have you? Oh, how exciting.” And… And then what they do is they don’t have a kid right away because they’re still not ready. “We have to see how our careers are going and shit.” And what they do is they get a dog, and then they act like the fucking dog’s their baby. They refer to it as their fucking baby. They send you a Christmas card of them holding the dog… and it says, “From our family to yours.” And then you have a barbecue, and you invite them, the humans, right? Then they come over. This fucking dog runs in, jumping over everything, and you’re like, “What the fuck is this shit?” And they’re like, “We had to bring him. We bring our baby everywhere.” And you go, “Well, your baby is biting my actual baby. Can you control…” And then, eventually, they decide they’re gonna have a kid ’cause they’ve learned so much from the dog, and then they bring the kid back, and the dog runs up, like, “What’s happening? A new person.” And they’re like, “Fuck off. We don’t love you anymore. We’re going.” And they think they’ve learnt something from the dog, and they haven’t learnt anything. What happens if your girlfriend’s away on work and the dog dies? You go off, you buy another dog that looks similar to the original dog… try to pass it off as the same dog. What happens if your girlfriend’s away on work and the baby dies? Very hard… to get a baby that looks exactly the same in the short period of time that you have. Easier if you’re black or Asian. [Audience cheering] Boston, no! No! No! Shut up! I will not put up with racism at my shows, okay? I’m not saying ’cause they look the same. I’m saying ’cause they’re easier to purchase. [Audience cheering] [Audience whooping] If Angelina Jolie and Madonna have taught us anything… it is that you can buy black and Asian people. I’m yet to see a black celebrity couple come home from Norway with a child, going… “Yolanda, quick, get Hans. Bring him over. Come on.” [Jeffries chuckles] I’m gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit. Uh… Gun control. Now… No, wait. Before you… Don’t get excited because the other people have guns. The anti-gun people are like, “Yeah! Do it, Jim!” No, let’s just… [Shushes] Now, before I start saying this, I wanna say this, right? I believe in your right as Americans to have guns. I’m not trying to stop you from having guns. All I’m saying is this is my personal belief on the opinion. My opinion on the… Oh, it doesn’t matter. I don’t like guns, right? I’m gonna say some things that are just facts, right? In Australia, we had guns, right? Right up until 1996. In 1996, Australia had the biggest massacre on Earth. It still hasn’t been beaten. And… Now, after that, they banned the guns. Now, in the 10 years before Port Arthur, there was 10 massacres. Since the gun ban in 1996, there hasn’t been a single massacre since. I don’t know how or why this happened, uh… Maybe it was a coincidence, right? Now, please understand that I understand that Australia and America are two vastly different cultures with different people, right? I get it. In Australia, we had the biggest massacre on Earth, and the Australian government went, “That’s it! No more guns!” And we all went, “Yeah, all right, then. That seems fair enough, really.” Now, in America, you had the Sandy Hook massacre where little, tiny children died, and your government went, “Maybe… we’ll get rid of the big guns?” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my guns!” [Whooping] So, here’s where it gets confusing, right? Now, as I said, I am all for your Second Amendment rights. I think you should be able to have guns. It’s in your constitution. What I am not for is bullshit arguments and lies. There is one argument and one argument alone for having a gun, and this is the argument… “Fuck off. I like guns.” It’s not the best argument, but it’s all you’ve got. And there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I like something. Don’t take it away from me.” But don’t give me this other bullshit. The main one is, [In American accent] “I need it for protection. I need to protect me. I need to protect my family.” Really? Is that why they’re called “assault rifles”? Is it? I’ve never heard of these fucking “protection rifles” you speak of. Protection? What the fuck are you talking about? You have a gun in your house, you’re 80% more likely to use that gun on yourself, than to shoot someone else. And people think, “Well, that’d never happen to me.” You don’t know that, because you know what? ♪ From time to time We all get sad ♪ ♪ One day you’re happy Then you’re sad ♪ ♪ And then, uh-oh ♪ Protection. I had a break-in in Manchester, England, where I was tied up, I had my head cut. They threatened to rape my girlfriend. They came through the window with a machete and a hammer, and Americans always go, [In American accent] “Well, imagine if you had a gun.” And I’m like, “All right. I was naked at the time. I wasn’t wearing my holster. I wasn’t staring at the window waiting for cunts with machetes to come through.” What world do you live in where you’re constantly fucking ready? You have guns ’cause you like guns! That’s why you go to gun conventions! That’s why you read gun magazines! None of you give a shit about home security. None of you go to home security conventions. None of you read Padlock Monthly. None of you have a Facebook picture of you behind a secure door going, “Fucking yeah!” Like you’re going to be ready if someone comes into your house. You have it at all fucking times. By the way, most people who are breaking into your house just want your fucking TV! You think that people are coming to murder your family? How many fucking enemies do you have? Jeez, you think a lot of yourself if you think everyone’s coming to murder you. See, if you have it readily available, it becomes unsafe. You have it in your bedside table, one of your kids picks it up, thinks it’s a toy, shoots another one of your kids. Happens every fucking day, but people go, “That’d never happen in my house ’cause I’m a responsible gun owner. I keep my guns locked in a safe.” Then they’re no fucking protection! Someone comes into the house, you’re like, “Wait there, fuck-face! Oh! You’ve come to the wrong house here, buddy boy. I tell you what. I’m gonna fuck you up! Okay. Is it 32 to the left or 32 to the right? Your mother’s birthday? Why the fuck would I know your fucking mother’s birthday? Maybe if you didn’t leave the window open [In whining voice] ‘because it’s too hot in here,’ we wouldn’t be getting fucking murdered, right?” I find the NRA to be hard work. The fact that they always think the answer is more guns. After Sandy Hook happened, the NRA said, and I quote, “None of this would have happened if the teachers had guns.” I… I think they’re forgetting what school was like. Does anyone remember that casual teacher that used to… Whenever she came into school, that relief teacher came, you and your friends would see her and go, [Chuckling] “Oh, we’re gonna make her cry.” And then she’d stand in front of the class with a bit of chalk and her hands would be shaking, and you’d go, “You’re never getting married, are you, Miss? Never gonna happen for you.” Then she’d get back to her 1967 Volkswagen Beetle, and she’d be crying over the steering wheel, just, “Why don’t they like me?” Let’s give that cunt a gun and see how things work out! [Audience cheering] And then they go, “Oh, well, answer to that, we’ll just add more guns.” They go, “We’ll put an armed security guard at every school across America.” Yeah, that’ll work out. The average security guard in America earns $16 an hour. Not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero! Someone comes onto the school and… [Mimicking machine gun] And you’ve got Kevin. Now, I’m sure Kevin’s shit-hot at Call of Duty, but it might not fucking cut it, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I understand that when I’m doing this joke in this room, 50% of you agree with me, 50% of you don’t agree with me, and I do respect the people who don’t agree with me. Don’t think I don’t. Out of the 50% that don’t agree with me, 20% of those people are smart enough to realize this is a comedy show and it’s not to be taken seriously, and they’re laughing along ’cause it’s just funny jokes, right? And then the next 20%, have sort of phased out a little bit. They’re looking around, going, “Wonder how they got that chandelier up there?” And then… there’s the last 10%. And they’re fucking furious. Right now, in this room and the people watching at home… 10% of you are fucking seething. Just… And for a couple of reasons. First reason, I’m making good points. [Audience cheering] Second reason. Second reason. Second reason, and this is the big one, I’m foreign… and that’s pissing the fuck out of you right now, and your brain is on a loop and you can’t fucking turn it off, and it’s just going around in a circle, and you’re just going, “If you don’t like it, go home! If you don’t like it, go home!” And my answer to that is, “No.” I came here legally. I pay my taxes. I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. Your First Amendment means that I can say the Second Amendment sucks dicks. And… unless you’re an American Indian, you’re a fucking immigrant as well, so fuck off. People get so precious about it. I understand that to Americans, your constitution is very important. I respect it, but please understand that every country has one as well. It’s no more special than any other constitution. We have one in Australia. I don’t know what it says. I’ve never seen it. If there’s a problem, we’ll check it, but everything’s going fine. And don’t get me wrong. I get that the constitution is important to you. I have had… Fucking, I get it, right? I’ve had people come up to me in my face and scream at me in car parks as I’m leaving the theater, going, [In American accent] “You cannot change the Second Amendment!” And I’m like, “Yes, you can. It’s called an ‘amendment.'” If you can’t change something that’s called an “amendment”, see, many of you need a thesaurus more than you need a constitution. And if you don’t know what a thesaurus is, get a dictionary and work your way forward. Don’t think your constitution is set in stone. You’ve changed things before. You used to have prohibition in there, right? And then people were like, “Hey, who likes getting fucked up? Yeah, I like getting fucked up, too. Let’s get that one out. Let’s get that one out.” You used to have this other thing in America called, uh… slavery! And then Lincoln came along and went, “That’s it. No more slaves!” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my slaves!” And the same bullshit arguments came out that you have with guns. “Why should I have my slaves taken off me? I’m a responsible slave owner. I’m trained in how to use my slaves safely. Just because that guy mistreated his slaves doesn’t mean that my rights should be taken away from me. I… I use my slaves to protect my family! I keep my slaves locked in a safe!” That’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me? I’ve done nothing wrong.” Look, I agree with you. If you’re a responsible gun owner and you don’t fuck around with them, then you should be allowed your guns. You really should. But that’s not how society works. We have to play to the 1% that are such fuckwits they ruin it for the rest of us. We have to walk as slow as our slowest person to keep society fucking moving, right? I take drugs like a fucking champion, right? [Audience cheering] We should all be allowed to take fucking drugs, but we can’t, can we? Because Sarah took drugs and she stabbed her fucking kids. Oh! “Oh, thanks, Sarah. You fucked it up for everyone.” Right? Everyone should be allowed to drive their car as fast as they can do it, right? But we can’t because Jonathan got drunk and ran over a family. “Thanks, Jonathan! Now I have to drive at 30, you fucking idiot!” See, that’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me, I’m responsible, just because that guy’s crazy?” Who’s to say you’re not crazy? That’s the thing about crazy people. They don’t know they’re crazy. That’s what makes them crazy. The only thing you know for sure on this Earth is, “I think, therefore I am.” You know that you exist. Anything past that is open to interpretation, right? You know you exist and that’s it. Right now, I think I’m in Boston talking to 1,200 people. That’s what I think I’m doing, but there is a good to fair chance that I’m in a mental home, standing in front of a white wall, going, [Slurring speech] “I hate guns. I hate guns. I hate guns.” [Audience applauding] See, one of the better arguments is, “Well, if you take the guns away, then only the criminals will have guns.” Not true. When they banned the guns in Australia, it worked. When they banned them in Britain, it worked, okay? The Bushmaster gun that the kid was gonna use in Sandy Hook costs, like, $1,000 American and you can buy it in Walmart. It’ll be delivered to your house. That’s it, man. 1,000 bucks, right? That same gun in Australia on the black market costs $34,000. Now if you have $34,000, you don’t need to be a criminal. You’ve got $34,000. You’re a great little saver. Keep going. So that covers the criminals, but that doesn’t cover the people who wanna murder your family, that are coming after you and your family. It kind of does. The people who do the massacres, it covers them ’cause they go… The kid at Colorado who thought he was The Joker, let’s say that he had some social issues. The kid at Sandy Hook was Asperger’s as fuck. Right? I don’t know if you know a lot about the black market, but you can’t just rock up at the docks going, [Slurring speech] “Guns! Who wants to sell me a gun?” Now, I’m gonna wrap this up. We won’t talk about it anymore. Now… See, the one thing that I do really agree with with the right to bear arms, I really agree with… That the real reason it was written was so that you could form a militia to fight against a tyrannical government. In case the government became a bunch of cunts, you could all get your guns and fight back, and that’s why it was written. – [Audience cheering] – Yeah! And that made a hell of a lot of sense when it was just muskets. But you do know the government has drones, right? You get that? You’re bringing guns to a drone fight! If we went back to muskets, I’m all for it! Keep the Second Amendment. If we all have muskets… Muskets are awesome! Every cunt should be carrying a musket with him at all times. You know what’s good about the musket? It gives you a lot of time to calm down. Someone calls your wife fat, and you’re like, “Fuck you, buddy! Ah, you’re not a bad guy. You’re all right.” Now… after the show, we’re gonna go out, have a big party around Boston, see how it goes. I’m not allowed to go to strip clubs anymore. My girlfriend has said that’s a no… ’cause I don’t behave myself in there, so I’m not allowed to go to them anymore. ‘Cause strip clubs aren’t what women think they are. [Stammers] It used to be like… Okay, so, when a man goes to a strip club, it’s all about girls being as dirty and as horrible to each other as possible. That’s what men want to see. Women, when they go to their Magic Mike clubs or whatever the fuck they are… women wanna see a guy, “Hey, ladies. He’s a fireman.” And he comes out with his hose and like that… And whenever a stripper takes their clothes off, they’ve still got the fireman’s hat on or a tool belt on or policeman’s gun on a holster, right? Because even when a man’s naked, a woman wants to know that he has a job. When men watch strippers, we want them to have a job, and that job’s stripping. We want to just look at that girl dancing and have a hand full of money, and just go… “You can’t take care of your kids.” It’s… And when men get private dances in these strip clubs, I don’t know… I don’t know if women actually know what goes on in those rooms, but basically, it’s dry humping. There’s no dancing. The girl gets in front. She gets where your cock is, pushes it to one side and then she rubs on it… and then she stands over and puts her cunt right in your face, and you go… That’s what a private “dance” is, right? I don’t know if there’s private dancing in female strip clubs. [Stammering] I can’t imagine that there would be. I don’t imagine a woman getting out of a back room and going up to her friend and going… She goes, “How was it?” And she goes, “Well… he just sat me down and then he grabbed my genitals… and then he dragged his scrotum over my forehead. I got to go to the ATM.” So Legit got canceled. [Audience booing] Yeah. I know. I know it. Who would’ve thought it would’ve struggled on that great FXX channel that everyone knew about? The first season is on Netflix. This special is being recorded for Netflix. So you can go watch it there if you’re watching the special. It was… I’m very proud of it. We had two great seasons of really good television, and if people didn’t… Now… The whole TV show is based around one standup routine that I used to do about having a friend with muscular dystrophy that I took to a brothel, which is a true story. And so, when we cast a character with muscular dystrophy who… In the end, we used DJ Qualls, and DJ Qualls is the skinny white guy out of the movie Road Trip. He’s the skinny white guy out of the movie Hustle & Flow, and he’s the white guy out of the movie Hustle & Flow. Now… the great thing about DJ is… he already looks disabled. He has that “latter stages of AIDS” thing going on. It’s great for casting. Anyway, but… I didn’t want DJ to begin with. I wanted a person with muscular dystrophy to make it look authentic, and the Actors’ Union of America said, “You cannot do that.” Because basically the problem is people with muscular dystrophy, I think, are only allowed to work for two hours a day before they get too tired. And I said, “All right, what other disabilities and diseases are allowed to work longer?” And they sent me a list. And on this list, I said, “Can you get rid of all the contagious ones? And what have we got left?” So I saw every disabled actor in Hollywood, and I’ll be honest with you, not that many of them. I don’t know why. Maybe they’re just lazy. They don’t wanna work. Maybe they give up on their dreams rather quickly. And none of them were very good, either. Everyone we saw, none of them were very good ’cause acting is all about what you do with your hands. None of them knew what to do with their hands, and… they all came in. Until this one guy came in. I had seen a lot of people that day. This guy was the most disabled person I’d ever seen in my life. He was like… Think of the most disabled person you’ve seen, then double it. …really super disabled. He was shaped like a pretzel. He was being carried in by this big Russian nurse, carried him in. He made that great disabled sound of… [Groans] That one. I just loved him. Anyway… so he comes in for the audition… and I’m sitting there, and we’re doing the lines together, and at first, I didn’t know if he was mentally all there either, so I was being a little bit patronizing. I was going, “Thank you so much for coming in.” And then we did the dialog together, and I didn’t have to worry about a thing. This kid was funny. He was smart. His timing was impeccable. I thought he was just great, and I helped him out of the room, and I come back to the director and I said, “That’s our guy. That’s who we gotta pick.” And he agreed, but we had to see everyone else who was still in the waiting room. So the next bloke wheels himself in. Now, obviously, he’s just a paraplegic if he’s wheeling himself in, which means the waist down, and that didn’t really suit me because… paraplegics can get themselves to a hooker without my assistance. But I thought… “If he’s a good enough actor, maybe he can quad-up for the role.” So he comes in… He comes in, I shake his hand, and his leg slightly comes out at the same time. And I went, “Whoa! What’s going on there, kicky?” And he goes… “Oh, you got me! I’m not disabled.” And I said, “You’re fucking what now?” And he goes, “I’m not disabled. I just really wanted the role, so I rented a wheelchair.” And I said, “Just shut up. So let me… This is how your day has mapped-out thus far. You woke up this morning. You drove to the wheelchair rental place. You rented a wheelchair. You carried it out, I assume. You put it in the trunk of your car. You drove here. You got the wheelchair out. You carried it up three flights of stairs. You went to the waiting room. You put it down next to the severely disabled man and his nurse. Then you sat in it and practiced your lines.” And he went… “Yeah.” And I said, “You’re a fucking asshole, mate. Get the fuck out of here.” And I kicked him out. And later on that day, I’m sitting there with all the headshots of all the different actors I’m gonna call to tell them they’ve got parts, and I’m holding this disabled guy’s headshot, and I just think, “I’m gonna call this guy up. I’m gonna change his life. This is an awesome moment, right?” And I’m looking at it, and he looks super handsome in his headshot. He looked really like… And I thought, “This has gotta be the greatest photographer with the fastest shutter in camera history.” The shutter on his camera has gotta be like… [Mimicking camera shutter] Like… [Audience applauding] And then I read the guy’s biography… and then it dawned on me. “This guy’s not disabled either! I hated the other fucker for renting a wheelchair! This cunt rented a nurse!” Do you wanna know the level of fucking psychosis you have to go through to rent a fucking nurse? I’m all for a method actor. Get into character three hours before, but once you finish the audition, stand up and go, “Ta-da!” And we would have gone, “That was very good.” But I’ll tell you what you don’t do. Don’t make me carry you to your car! I carried him down three flights of stairs going, “You did very good.” He’s like, “Thank you, Jim.” [Laughing] [Chuckles] I was, uh… I go to a therapist… ’cause I get depressed. So I got a therapist every now and again. I literally had one of those moments with my therapist where she was saying words like, “I’m gonna say a word and you say the first thing that comes in your mind.” Like just out of the movies, right? And she went, “Red,” and I went, “Blue.” And then she went, “Cooking,” and I went, “Food,” and all that type of stuff. We went like this forever. And then she went… For the last question, she went, “And what’s your favorite thing in the world?” And I went… “Coming on a girl’s face.” Now… Now, I could’ve said things like… “Ice cream” is a good answer. “Hank” would’ve been an excellent answer. But I said, “Coming on a girl’s face.” And I’ve had six months to think about my answer, and I stand by it. – I… – [Cheering] I’m not proud of it. I hate myself for thinking it. It’s such a horrible thing to do to another human. When a girl’s on her knees and you… It’s so… And as an atheist, I believe in Darwin and all the things that he wrote, but he never had a bit where he explained that. There was never a bit in his book where he went, “When a caveman loves a cavewoman, he’ll ejaculate on her face so that flies won’t come near.” There was never that… never that moment. But, by golly, if it’s not fun. I find it… To… Look, to all the girls who take a load on their face from time to time, may I say, “Bravo!” Don’t… don’t think what you do… has gone unnoticed. We notice. We appreciate your work. I think you deserve a parade of some kind. During Memorial Day, after the Vietnam vets, before the First Gulf War guys, we could bring in, “And here’s the women who take a load on their face.” And you could march out, and married men would stand there going, “God bless you, ladies.” [Audience cheering] I enjoy your acting that you do. The standard tongue out and the… Like that… I don’t know why, but I enjoy… I know it’s a lie. I know you’re not excited, but I still appreciate the effort is what I enjoy. I love the look because it’s such a, “Oh, jeez, I’m excited, too. When this come hits my face, there’s a good chance I’ll also orgasm. Anything could happen in this crazy world.” But this is what redeems us as men. This is what redeems us. Just know that the second the come shoots out of our cock and hits your face, our bodies flood with remorse. The next 20 seconds is the nicest we will ever be to you. [Men whooping] I go from being an animal to the sweetest guy on Earth. I’m like, “You fucking slut… Oh, I love you. Ah… Uh, all right. No, no, no. Put your tongue back in. Um… Keep your eyes shut. Just keep them shut. Uh… All right, I’m going to get a towel. I’ll get a towel. I’ll get you a towel. All right. You’re a wonderful mother to our child.” [Laughs] [Audience cheering] See… this is what kills me. My son will one day watch this DVD. And I’m the guy who’s meant to teach him right from wrong, and I’m there wiping come off his mother’s face. I think I did something illegal with my son the other day. I think it might be illegal. Tell me if this is illegal. All right? I’m in the shower. My girlfriend goes off to the gym in the morning, and when she came back, I was in the shower, and Hank ran up, and he started banging on the glass door of the shower like, “Argh!” Like that. And I went… [Vocalizing] And I saw his little face and I went, “Hello, Hankie.” And then in the condensation, I drew a little bowtie on him… and a little suit… and then I gave him a voice bubble that said, “I love my daddy. Love, Hank.” But I did it so I could read it. Well, of course he could read the “K,” and… then I stepped out. I stepped out of the bathroom and I went, “G’day, Hankie!” And he slapped my cock and he ran off. Now, is that illegal? I don’t know. Is it illegal because, A, a child touched my cock, or because, B, I found it really funny and I’ve been telling everyone. And I can’t get angry at him because his whole life, he’s been lying on mats with things dangling over. He’s been training for this his entire life. I think I’ve, uh… I think I’ve become American, more American than I am Australian lately, and there was a moment where I tipped over where I went, “Oh, I think like an American person now.” And I’m happy to do it. I just… I’ll tell you what happened. I was flying around… I was doing a tour of Australia, and I was flying domestically around Australia, and I’m so used to airports and stuff here in America that… Okay, what happens is, when you go… I was flying Sydney to Melbourne. When you fly domestically in Australia, you go up to the machine, put your name in, prints your ticket out, it prints your bag thing, you put the bag thing on your bag yourself, and then there’s a conveyor belt underneath. You throw your bag on. Bag fucks off. You don’t speak to anyone. Then I go up to the gate bit, and the lady’s going, “Tickets, please.” And I’m holding my ID out like a fucking simpleton. ‘Cause I get through airports quick, man. I’m like, “Fucking there you go.” And she went, “Put your ID away. I don’t need to see that.” And I went… “I think you do.” And she went, “I don’t… Why would I need to see your ID?” And I said, “I might be a terrorist.” And she went, “Would showing me your ID stop you from blowing the plane up?” “No, I’d probably still blow the plane up.” So then I get up to the TSA conveyor belt thing, and I’m so good at the airports. I’m already taking my shoes off as I’m walking, right? And all the Australians behind me assume that I’m American, and they’re losing their fucking shit. They’re like, “Oh, for fuck’s sake! One of these cunts, eh?” And the TSA guy goes, “Hey, mate, what are you taking your shoes off for?” And I went… [Shouting] “I don’t know! Maybe they’re bombs?” And he went… “But they’re not, are they?” I put me shoes back on. I get my laptop out. Everyone’s going mental. And the TSA guy says, very politely, but extraordinarily sarcastically, he goes, “Jeez, mate. That’s a nice computer. Why are you showing it to everyone?” “It might also be a bomb.” And then the guy said the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard come out of anyone’s mouth ever. He went… “Oh, come on, mate. You wouldn’t have two bombs.” [Audience laughing] [Chuckles] I’m not even quite sure what that means, but it does make some type of sense. All right. Oscar Pistorius. If you haven’t been following the case, you’re missing out. This is the greatest thing since OJ Simpson. You’re fucking missing out, mate. If you don’t know who Oscar Pistorius is, let me fill you in. Oscar Pistorius is a legless man from South Africa, known as the Blade Runner. He ran in two Olympics, the disabled and the able-bodied Olympics in one year. No one has ever done that. He’s an inspiration to hundreds and millions of disabled and able-bodied people alike, and on Valentine’s Day last year, he shot and killed the hottest girl on Earth… and that’s when he became an inspiration to me… ’cause hot girls have been getting away with too much shit for too fucking long. Let that be a lesson to all you hot girls out there. You can’t just say whatever the fuck you want whenever you fucking want. [Mock tearfully] People have feelings, you cunts. Now, there’s a lot of rumors going around on what happened on that day. One of the theories is that they found in her phone… He went through her phone, and on her phone, he found some text messages from a South African rugby player on Valentine’s Day, right? Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to South Africa, but in South Africa, rugby is more popular than legless running. It goes, rugby, legless running, cricket. Legless running’s their second sport. You wouldn’t have thought that. Anyway… I’m going to reenact what I believe happened that day. To do that, I will now be doing a South African accent. Now I know, many of you can’t tell the difference between my accent and a South African accent. Here’s the difference. Picture my accent, but I’m punching a black person. What I’m trying to say is South Africans are horrible people. So… she’s coming out of the shower. She’s been drying her hair. She’s listening to Rodriguez or something. She comes out. He’s laying on the bed. He looks up at her, he’s holding the phone, and he goes, [In South African accent] “What the fuck is this? I’ve been through your phone. You have been texting a rugby player.” And she’s like, “Oh! Fuck you! Who the fuck do you think you are?” “Who am I? I’m Oscar Pistorius, the greatest legless runner that has ever been. That’s who the fuck I am.” “Well, I would rather be with a rugby player. At least he is a whole man, not a three-quarter man like you.” – [Audience exclaiming] – I know. [Audience laughing] “Oh! Fuck you!” “No! Fuck you! I’m leaving you!” And then she storms out of the room, and then he was like… “You fucking bitch! [Grunts] I hate you! [Grunting] You will rue the day… that you left Oscar Pistorius, the Blade Runner! Don’t go anywhere! [Grunting] I hate you!” That’s where he keeps his legs. All right. Then he put the blades on. “Oh, you’re in trouble, missy. I tell you. I go to my gun safe.” She locked herself in the bathroom. He shot her through the bathroom door. Seems like overkill, doesn’t it? Bathrooms only have little tiny locks on them, but Oscar’s one of the few men on Earth that couldn’t kick the door in, right? He was wearing the blades, so… Boing! Ah! So… I think Oscar will probably go to prison. Now… in South Africa, one in four people have AIDS. I assume it may even be worse in the prison population. Now, can I say this? Look… I’ve never raped a man. I hate that I have to put “a man” in that sentence, but whatever. I’ve never raped a man, but… if I was going to rape a man, it would be a legless Olympian… ’cause in prison, it’s all about getting one up on other people, and making people think you’re tough and all that. Like, “You want to fucking rape me? I just raped an Olympian, bitch. Is that what you fucking want?” There’d be a wonderful moment… when you’re in the showers and he was crawling away like the end of a Terminator movie. [Chuckling] You know what I like about that joke? So often when you tell a joke, the rapist is the villain in the story, but not in that one. Not in that one. He’s the hero. All right, we have to get going soon. Before I leave, – I thank you very much for coming. – [Audience groaning] No, I said, “soon,” not “over.” It’s just soon, you cunts, so calm down. [Chuckles] [Man whistles] I always… I always find that weird when someone, like, whistles like that. What do they think is going to happen? Like, I’m going to go, “Fucking you know me, mate. I was enjoying claps and cheers, but what I needed was a high-pitched squeal noise. Thank God you came along to pick up my spirits.” [Man] Love you! All right, final story. Now, I was in South Africa again. Jeez, I don’t think I’ll be working in South Africa after this special comes out. I used to do, like, one tour in South Africa every year, and I just don’t know if I’ll be invited this time. They’ll be like, [In South African accent] “We don’t like him. He’s no good.” Anyway, so, I’m in South Africa, and I had to fly back from Cape Town to Los Angeles, which is, like, a 26-hour flight. You’ve to go up to London and go across. Cunt of a trip. Um… But it was all right ’cause I had a business class ticket, so I didn’t give a fuck. And when I travel economy, I try to dress up nice ’cause I like to look good in case someone recognizes me and I might get an upgrade. But when I’ve already got a business class ticket, I try to look like a bag of shit… ’cause it’s important to me that everyone else in business class doesn’t want me there and they’re annoyed by my presence. So… I’m wearing a white T-shirt that’s got brown stains on it with a hole in the side. I’m wearing these small shorts with just one testicle hanging out. So, anyway, I go up to the counter, up to the business thing with the thing, and I go, “Hello,” and the lady goes, [In South African accent] “Oh, Mr. Jefferies, I’m so sorry, but you have been downgraded.” I said, “You what now?” She goes, “Business class is full. You have been downgraded.” And I said, “I understand that business class is full. I bought one of the tickets that made it full.” And she went, “I’m sorry, sir. There’s nothing I can do.” And then I just went, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Now, you know when you’re dealing with customer service people, and they want you to swear, ’cause as soon as you swear, they don’t have to engage with you anymore. They can act like they’re the first adult never to hear a swear word, and they can get really offended, right? So I went, “Are you fucking kidding me?” And she went, “Please do not speak to me that way! I have done nothing wrong!” And I said, “Are you, a white South African, telling me you’ve done nothing wrong?” Anyway… tensions rose. The manager comes over. Big fat cunt called Simon Fulcher, right? He walks over and goes, [In South African accent] “What is wrong here? What is wrong?” And I said, “I bought a business class ticket and I want a business class ticket.” And he goes, “What do you want me to do? Make a new chair for you? There are no more seats. I can’t do anything.” He goes, “I’ll tell you what I can do. Go up to the executive lounge. Have some peanuts. Enjoy a beverage. Listen to Rodriguez, and if something opens up, we will move you back up to business class. So I thought, “There’s nothing I can do.” So I walk off with my ticket. I’m walking through the airport like, “Fucking British Airways, bunch of fucking cunts.” Right? I get up to the counter. And the woman behind the counter said, “Tickets, please.” And I hand over my ticket and she goes, [In South African accent] “I’m sorry, sir, but this is for business class passengers only. Your ticket says ‘economy’ on it.” And I said… [Inhales sharply] “I bought a business class ticket, but you people have downgraded…” And as I was doing my little speech, she looked past me and went, “Next.” [Audience exclaiming] “Listen here, you fucking cunt.” [Audience laughing] All right? Now, you say “cunt” in any foreign country, people lose their fucking shit. Security came from everywhere. I was going, “Don’t you fucking come near me, cunt!” And I said, “I want to speak to Simon Fulcher,” like I’m… And they go, “All right.” They ring the manager up, and then they go… He goes, “Is it the pale Australian man?” And the guy went, “Yes.” He goes, “We’ve had problems with him. Let him through.” Right? So I go through. I’m sitting there, I’m eating my peanuts. And I’m just angry now, going, “Fucking British Airways. Fucking cunts, fucking…” Like that. And in walks in a group of Americans, about 30 of them. You know the type, right? They all… And whenever I see Americans abroad… I’ll do my impersonation of any American abroad. When Americans are abroad, you’re just pointing out shit you see. You’re just walking around going, [In American accent] “Oh, this is great! Look at that. That’s a chair right there. Okay. Oh, what’s that over there? Okay. Wonderful. Great.” Right? And this group walked in, and one of the women in the group went like this, she went, [In American accent] “Did anyone else see that Australian guy speaking to that lady out there? Some people have no class.” And I put my head around the pylon, and I went, “You can fuck off and all! You don’t know what I’ve been through! I’ve been downgraded!” And as I said that, 18 other people who were given the same lie that I was given, that they were going to be the next people promoted up to business class, the penny dropped. None of us are getting promoted. They all lied to us, and we formed an angry militia in seconds. It was like a scene out of Braveheart, and they all stood up and went, “Fucking downgraded!” And the woman in the group was doing this, “Don’t speak to me that way. Who the hell do you think you are?” And all the men in the group were like, “Hey, why don’t you shut the fuck up? Just shut the fuck up.” ♪ It doesn’t matter These people seem very angry, so ♪ And a guy breaks from the group and he tries to calm everyone down. And, sometimes, Americans, sometimes, you can seem a little insincere. And he came up and he went, [In American accent] “Hey. Hey. Yeah, I get it. [Exhales sharply] Downgraded, yeah. That really grinds my gears, I tell you that. Yeah, I would write a strongly-worded letter. I really would.” And then I thought, at least this guy’s being nice, and I said, “Look, mate, don’t worry about it. It’s not like it’s your fault.” And I said, “Why are you in such a big group anyway?” And he goes, “Oh, we’re in Neil Diamond’s band. That’s Neil Diamond’s backup singer you just called a cunt there.” And as he said that, Neil Diamond walked around the corner like a fucking superhero… and I reacted like he was one. I went, “Neil Diamond!” And Neil Diamond went, [In husky voice] “Hey, what’s going on?” And then, for a second there, there was a bit of my brain that thought maybe Neil Diamond could solve problems. And I went, “Neil! Me and all these people, we’ve been downgraded!” And Neil went, “Oh! Oh, right. Uh, well, maybe that’s our fault. We decided to come back a day early.” “You can fuck off and all, Neil Diamond!” And then a fight breaks out amongst the Neil Diamond band and the downgraded. Punches are thrown. Not by me. I don’t know if you have the Internet, but I’m not much of a fighter. I’m an excellent scurrier-awayer. I get down. “Hey, what have you got there? Hiya!” Anyway, the airport police came. Three people were arrested from the downgraded… but three people were arrested from the Neil Diamond band, and that meant that three seats opened up in business class. [Audience cheering] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Good night. Appreciate it. [Audience cheering] [Upbeat music playing] Thank you. Go home. Let’s have a drink. Bye.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Trevor Noah: Afraid Of The Dark (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-afraid-dark-2017-full-transcript/

[audience cheering] [music playing] Wow. Wow. Oh, wow. What’s happening, New York? Yeah! Oh, this is amazing. Thank you for coming out. We’re gonna have fun tonight. Welcome to it, people. This is us. Can I tell you for a second? This has been my dream since I started stand-up comedy, doing a special in New York City. This is it! This is it. New York, New York! [New York accent] Yeah! New York! I’m walking over here! [audience laughing] That was all I thought New York was before I came here. I just thought it was a city of people almost getting run over. Just everyone walking into the street, a taxi rolling up, slamming the hood, [New York accent] “I’m walking over here! What’s wrong with you? You want some coffee?” I don’t even know what that meant. All I knew was one day, I was gonna go to New York City. And I, too, was going to almost get run over by a car. I had a dream and I set out. And it’s a lot harder than it seems. In the movies, they make it look simple. They make it look like you run out, the car almost hits you, you do that thing– “Hey!” Slam the hood and then move on. But it’s not that easy. It’s all about timing. It’s all about timing. It’s all about being precise. You have to get out at the exact same time that the taxi is there, so it stops, so you can hit the hood. If you don’t have the guts and you come out too late, the car’s gone. It’s a waste of everyone’s time. You just look like a mad person now. You’re just like… [imitates engine revving] “Hey! I’m walking over here!” If you come out at the exact time as the car, then you just get run over. That’s just pointless. You know, it’s like, “Hey–” [thumping noises] “Hey, he was walking over here. What’s wrong with you?” The worst one is when you come out too early. Because that’s just awkward for everyone involved. Because you come out and then the car stops, but you can’t reach the hood. So it’s like, “Hey!” [imitates tires screeching] “Come here. No. Come closer, please. I want to tell you a secret. Come here. No, I’m from Africa. I have a dream. Please come closer. I just– I just want you– I’m walking over here.” I love the city. Are you kidding me? New York! My dream was to come out here. Soon as I got here, I was like, “This is it!” There’s an energy in the city that exists nowhere in the world. New York, New York! Love it, everything about it. You know what fascinates me about New York… is how much people trust the traffic lights. I have never seen anything like it. You must remember, I come from an African country. And all over Africa, we have traffic lights. But we don’t use them. All right? It’s less of a command and more of a suggestion. It’s not “Stop!” It’s “Stop?” It’s almost like an African traveled the world, saw that other people have traffic lights and then just brought them back, but didn’t know what they were for. The guy was like, “Guys, guys, guys. We need to get traffic lights. Ah?” People were like, “What for?” “It’s for the intersection. It adds atmosphere.” No one actually knew what it was about. We don’t care about the lights, and we don’t trust the lights. But in New York– I’ve never seen it– people trust that light with their lives. I was walking in the streets one day. I was walking next to this man. I’ll never forget this. We’re standing there on the sidewalk, and the light changes in our favor. And I looked to the side, and there was this truck that is barreling down the road. And I’m looking at the truck. And as soon as the light changes, the guy next to me, he steps out into the road. Instinctively, I stuck my hand out to protect him. I was like, “Yo, dude, there’s a truck.” And he was like, “It’s okay. We’ve got the light.” I said, “Yeah, and he has a truck. In a game of rock-paper-scissors, you lose.” But he was so confident. He was like, “We’ve got the light. Let’s go.” And he walked out. He didn’t just walk out. He stared that truck driver down as he was crossing. Just looking at him. Like, “I’ve got the light. You know I’ve got the light. You know I’ve got that light.” I was running behind him, all apologetic. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He– I’m sorry. I would have stopped– I’ve never done this before.” I walked with that man for 12 blocks. And let me tell you, I have never been imbued with the confidence of another human being the way I was with him. I started that day… thinking and pondering before stepping out. And after a few blocks with him, I started believing. And after eight blocks, it was the only way I knew how to live. I had my phone out. I was tweeting and texting. I didn’t play games. I’d be looking down, look up. The light would change, and I was out. I didn’t care if a truck or a train was coming towards me. I was out! Because I’ve come to realize, in America, if you got the white man on your side, you can do whatever you like. You just roll. What an exciting time it’s been. I couldn’t have chosen a better time to come and live in the United States. Huh? What an exciting time. I’m surprised that, with everything that’s happened, it hasn’t all burned down. I’ve been coming to the United States, on and off, visiting for almost ten years. And… what was great about visiting on and off was I got to experience America in snapshots. You know, I would feel what the people were feeling. I would get an idea of what the populace was going through. And… I’ll never forget how every time I came to America… one of the biggest things I noticed was how black Americans were having a tough time. I remember the first time I came out. I was staying on the West Coast, and I met a young African American man in Compton. And we were hanging out at a comedy club. This guy, he looked over at me and he’s like, “Hey, yo, Trevor. You the dude from Africa, man?” I said, “Yeah, yeah. I’m one of them, yeah.” He’s like, “Yo, man. I can’t front, B. It’s an honor to meet you, man. Yo, I always wanted to meet a dude from Africa. You’re an OG, man. You’re an OG.” I was like, “Thank you.” He was like, “Yeah, man. You know how hard it is out here for a black man? Dude, I can’t front, man. You can’t get no jobs, man. The cops be on your ass all the time, man. I’m fittin’ to go to Africa myself, man. Yo, I’m gonna go to Africa with you, man. I’m going with you, B.” And I was like, “Yeah, you should buy the ticket, we can roll. Let’s go.” I connected with him that day. I felt something. Fast-forward, a few years later. I remember I met… a beautiful black woman. Down South, I was doing shows in Birmingham, Alabama. This woman came up to me after the show. She connected with me instantly. She was like, “Trevor, baby. Can I just tell you right now? I ain’t never met a stranger I felt so connected to. When you talk about Africa, when you say those things, I’m like, ‘Oh, man, oh, Lord, I wish I could go with you.’ Tell me all about the motherland, baby. I want to go to a place I can call my own. I want to go to a place where people don’t look at me like I don’t belong. Tell me all about Africa, baby. Tell me all about it.” And I could feel what she was saying. And I knew that people weren’t having a good time. And then you fast-forward… to 2016. I’ll never forget that moment when Donald Trump… closed the lead, had a one-in-two chance of being President of the United States. And for the first time in my life, I had white Americans coming up to me, going, “So, Trevor, tell me about Africa. What’s going on out there? It’s, uh– [laughs] Sounds like a plan, am I right? What is it, motherland? Motherland, yeah. Yeah. I should come with you. Ali boma ye. Count me in, buddy.” And it’s not just America as well. It’s not just America. You know, a lot of Americans were shocked by that rhetoric, but if you expanded your view, you realized that the rise of nationalism is taking place all over the world. In Austria, in Australia. In England. That was what Brexit was all about. Right? They made it seem like it was about the economy, but it wasn’t. The truth was it was fundamentally people who wanted their country back. It never went anywhere. But they still wanted it back. I saw people on the news, talking to the BBC. [British accent] “That’s why I’m voting for Brexit, right? Because this bloody country is going to the dogs. Right? This bloody country. And I want Britain back. That’s why we voted for Brexit, because we want Britain back!” From who? From who? Britain is, like, 95% white. Who do you want it back from? People say the weirdest things, the craziest things. “These bloody immigrants come over here. They’re up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from.” -But why do you hate them so much? -“I’ll tell you why I hate them. Because they’re not even trying to be British. That’s why. They don’t even try to be British. They come here. They bring their own bloody culture. They bring their own food, spit their own bloody languages, try to take over the whole bloody place.” That sounds British to me. If there’s one country… if there’s one nation in the world, that has no right to complain about immigration, it’s Great Britain. If there’s one nation in particular. You do understand, they created the problem that they are now dealing with. They went out and colonized the world. At one point, half of the globe was controlled by the British Empire. Do you understand how insane that is? They went around colonizing from pillar to post. People didn’t care about them. No one was trying to find the British. The British were the ones traveling the world, telling everyone of their existence, knocking on doors. “Hey, we’re the British. Follow us.” It’s basically ancient Twitter, that’s what that was. I’m not saying the British are bad people, by the way. I understand that colonization was something that was popular at one time. Many European countries participated in it. But the British were the best. They were the best. It’s not because they were bad. I think– I blame it on the weather. That’s what I think happened. I think they have bad weather, and bad weather makes you a bad person. Yeah, because if you think about it, there was no one from a tropical climate who was trying to take over the world. You don’t ever hear stories of Caribbean conquerors. Yeah, there’s no stories of, like, Troy The Terrible from Trinidad. You don’t hear these stories. There’s no need for that. When the weather is horrible, you want to go somewhere else and take it from somebody. If you’re living in a beautiful paradise, you have no need to leave. Could you imagine that scene? Just some random handsome guys hanging out on a beach in the Caribbean, one looking at the other out of nowhere. [Caribbean accent] “Darius. Darius!” “What, Troy?” “I was thinking, bro. Stay with me here. I was thinking, right? We should build boats, sail around the world and force everyone to dance Calypso.” It wouldn’t happen. It just wouldn’t happen. The British colonized with class. They went all over the globe. And colonization– we read it about it now, and it seems normal ’cause it’s in the history book. They colonize. When you think about colonization, it’s the strangest thing you can think about. ‘Cause conquering is one thing. You go to another country, you take what’s theirs. You want more– you take the land. You take the resources. You kill the people. That I understand. But colonization– I don’t condone. I understand. But colonization is strange, because you go there, and you don’t just take over. You then force the people to become you. That is such a strange concept when you think about where the British did it. I mean, they did it in Africa. You know, they did it in Asia. And think about in India. Those cultures could not be more diametrically opposed. And out of nowhere, the British just decided to roll up. Imagine what the Indians must have felt like on that day. Minding your own business. Walking through a field. Next thing you know, the British showed up on horseback. [imitates clopping hooves] [imitates bugle call] “Hear ye, hear ye! By order of Her Majesty the Queen, we have arrived! “You over there! What is the name of this land?” [Indian accent] “This land over here? This is called India.” “Well, my good man, I am here to tell you that India is now under the British Empire.” “And I’m glad that I can tell you that India is exactly where it was yesterday.” “No, no. I feel you’re not understanding what I’m saying. I’m letting you know that we are here to colonize you by order of the Queen.” “Who is the Queen?” “The Queen. The Queen of England, the Ruler of Great Britain. She who was ordained by God.” “Which god?” “God. The one true God.” “There are many gods, my friend. What is the name of your god?” “There is only one God. And his name is God, and you, too, shall worship him.” “You want me to worship a god, but you don’t want to tell me his name? What are you talking about? There are many gods. There is Shiva. There’s Lakshmi. There’s Hari Krishna. There are many gods! What is the name of your god?” “His name is God!” “You don’t know the name of your god?” “It’s just God!” “Is it like Mommy or Daddy? You want me to worship your god, but you don’t want to tell me his name? How am I going to pray to him? What do I do? Every morning, I wake up and I pray: ‘Oh, dear God, I was hoping that maybe, God, you could help me– No. Sorry, not you. Other god. No, no, other god. No, no. Wrong god. No, God. I was trying to talk– No, no. You’re right. I should have asked for your first name. No, God. No, other god, please. No, behind that god. No, not you today, God. Other god. Right. He told me you would know who I was talking to. No, other god, please. That god on the– No, no. That god, you–‘ Then I wonder why my prayers are not getting answered.” “How dare you speak to me like that? Do you know who I am?” “No, because you never introduced yourself.” “I have come here representing Great Britain.” “And I have never heard of Great Britain. Who gave you that name?” “Well– well, we did.” “You called yourselves ‘great’? Isn’t that a little presumptuous? Shouldn’t you wait for other people to tell you how great you are? Shouldn’t you just go around the world and just do good things, good things? Then people go, ‘Oh, my God, Britain, look how great you are!'” “Well, I beg to differ. I believe we could do it because we knew instinctively, we are Great Britain!” “Well, in that case, welcome to Great India.” “No, it doesn’t work like that! How dare you speak to me like this!” “You’re the one who dares to speak to me, okay? I was here, minding my own business in my land. You came over here, riding on your skinny cow, telling me that things are going to change. I don’t know who you are. All I know is you are clearly crazy. You’re not feeling too right. I didn’t want to say anything, but you look like you’re going to faint. In fact, it looks like you have died last week. Okay? Something is very wrong with your skin. You’re not looking good. Maybe you should come down. We have a curry, talk about this.” “What are you talking about? I look quite normal!” “You do not look normal. I have never seen anybody with that complexion in my life, okay? You look like you’re playing hide-and-seek with the sun your entire life. I don’t know what is happening, but that is not how a person should look. I can see your veins pumping through your skin right now. You know how creepy that is? Pumping, pumping, pumping. If I was your doctor, I don’t need X-ray machine. I go, ‘What is problem? It is your kidney. How do I know? Because you’re translucent. That is how I know.'” “Damn you! We are going to run this country whether you like it or not!” “We are not going to do anything you tell us. You’re a madman.” “We are going to take it!” “You’re not taking–” “We’re going–” [imitates gunshot] “She’s all yours. Take, take. You don’t play nice. Take.” And that’s how the British took over. [cheers and applause] That’s how they took over India. And then, many, many years later, the British, after they were done pillaging, left and went back home. And so, it only stands to reason that those Indians, who they had now made British, would seek out… the land from whence they came. I don’t understand why British people are complaining, going, “Why are they coming here? Why the hell are you coming here?!” “Because you told us how great it was, so we came to see for ourselves.” “No. Go back to where you came from! Go back! You’re not welcome here. This is not your home.” “But you said we are all part of the British Empire.” “When I said ‘part,’ I meant you are under us. We are the British. You are the empire.” “What do you mean?” “We are the British, and you are the empire.” “Okay, well, in that case, the empire strikes back. Now make some curry and tell me where we’re sitting. Let’s go, let go, let’s go.” They can’t complain. They cannot complain. If there’s one nation in the world that can’t complain– The truth is none of us should be complaining. When you think about it, what people term “immigration” just depends on your timeline. Right? You’re an immigrant. When do you measure from? Everyone is an immigrant from somewhere. Whenever I see people have those conversations in America: “These damn immigrants coming over here. These damn immigrants. Get out of here!” I always wonder what Native Americans must be thinking when they are listening to the words that are being said. You know? People confidently saying, “This is not where they came from! This is not their land!” They’re like, “Oh, tell me more.” “They need to go back ’cause this is not their home!” “Oh, really?” Everyone is an immigrant in some way, you know. When you travel, you see this. I say that to people. I’ll go, “Travel the world.” If there’s one thing you will never waste your money on, it’s traveling. Travel the world. See another place. Discover a different point of view. Traveling is the antidote to ignorance, and that’s so true. It changes your mind, your perspective, how you believe, what you believe. And one of the greatest things you can do when you travel is traveling to a country where they don’t speak your language. That’s my favorite thing, going to a place where they don’t speak English, just to make you realize how insignificant you really are. You’re not the center of the universe. There’s another world that exists beyond you. I try and do that all the time. I try my utmost. I go to English-speaking countries, but I try every now and again to go to a country where they speak no English. Like, recently, I went to Scotland. Right? And– And again… I had an amazing time. The place was beautiful. It was a different culture. Rich in history. They have the rolling highlands of Scotland. They’ve got these castles, beautiful, perfectly preserved, hundreds of years old. In the streets, there’s the men playing the bagpipes, wearing the kilts. No black people. But not in a bad way. Not in a bad way. Just in a matter-of-fact way, you know? When I say there’s no black people in Scotland, I just mean there’s no black people. There’s a good way and a bad– The good way is when you get there, you’re like, “There’s no black people.” But some places you go, like, “There’s no black people.” And that’s– You know what I mean? That means some shit went down. You can feel it when you get there. Like Australia, there’s no aborigines. When you get there, you’re like, “Hey, Australia! Wait, where’s all the black people?” They’re like, [Australian accent] “Oh, I don’t know. They left.” You can feel something went wrong. Scotland doesn’t have that, you know? Scotland doesn’t have black people because they are further north. Further north, there were no black people. Not many black things further north. The further north you go, the whiter things become. There’s the people, Christmas, the bears. Everything changes. If you went to a Scottish person and said, “Excuse me, sir. Are you racist?” He’d be like, [Scottish accent] “I don’t know. I never tried.” I had so much fun in Scotland. I was in Glasgow for a week. I was driving around in the back of a car. Every single day, I would try and spot black people. It was a little game I played by myself. Every day, I would just be there, like, “Black person, black person… Ah! No. Statue. Black person, black person… Ah! No. Reflection. Black person, black person…” No black people anywhere. None. That’s why I say traveling is important. I’d never been to a place where there were no black people before. It actually made me realize that there had been an issue that I’d been grappling with for so long. And now, finally, I had another answer. And that issue… was that of James Bond. I’m a big fan of 007. License to kill. I loved it my whole life. Started with Pierce Brosnan. Then went back and watch Connery’s and Lazenby’s and everyone, all the way to Daniel Craig. And I love James Bond. And when I found out that Daniel Craig no longer wanted to be James Bond, I was heartbroken. Until I heard… that, at the top of the list, the potential replacement was a man by the name Idris Elba. [cheers and applause] And I lost my mind. I lost my– You can hear the ladies. They’re, like, “Yeah,” you know? And that’s what James Bond needs: a lady’s man and a man’s man, and Idris has that. He’s strong. He’s charming. He’s got that quiet thing. “Yeah, you know, Idris Elba. Oh, yeah. Idris Elba, you know?” You could just see him playing the dapper spy. And as soon as it was announced, everyone was excited, until the comments section of the Internet came in. “Idris Elba, James Bond.” And the comments section was like, “Uh, actually… Idris Elba could not play James Bond.” And we’re like, “Why?” They’re like, “Because… Hmm?” “‘Cause of the shape of his head? What are you saying?” “No, because…” -“Because what?” -“Because he’s black! James Bond cannot be played by a black man!” As soon as they said that, the Internet exploded. [imitates explosion] “Racism!” Immediately, that happened, I jumped in. I don’t even know what it’s about half of the time, I jump in. You say “racism,” and I wreck my site. I’m just like, “Racism! Aah! You guys will explain it later. Racism!” I was in there, like, “What the hell is going on?” They’re like, “James Bond cannot be played by Idris Elba because Idris Elba is black, and James Bond is white!” I was like, “Well, actually, James Bond is a fictional character, so he can be played by anyone, because it is fiction!” They were like, “When you think about it, James Bond was based on a real man, who was white, and so, he should be played by a real white man.” I said, “That doesn’t make sense. If you think about it, Jesus was technically a black man, but he gets played by a white man. So I don’t know what your point is, ’cause that never stopped me from receiving my blessings. I don’t know what you’re going on about.” They’re like, “You can’t have it!” I was like, “Racism!” “You can’t have it!” “Racism!” And then I went to Scotland. I realized that maybe, just maybe… I hadn’t given the argument enough thought. Because I love Idris Elba. I want him to play Bond. But if you think about it, James Bond often operates in places like Scotland and the UK and Europe. Because that’s where most supervillains choose to reside. I’m assuming it’s for tax purposes. No matter how you feel about the issue, you have to admit… it would be particularly difficult… to be a spy… when you are the only… black person in town. Your very existence defies your purpose. I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m just saying that would be the toughest James Bond movie that was ever made. Can you imagine that scene? Idris Elba, James Bond, planting the C-4, blowing up the bad guy’s lair, jumping on a bike, riding into the town square in Edinburgh. [imitates motorcycle engine] The bad guys right behind him. They pull out their guns, start shooting. [imitates machine gun fire] The chase is on. [humming James Bond theme music] Idris Elba, James Bond, jumps off the bike, runs into a crowded town square, the bad guys right behind him. He manages to shake them off, pops into a little alley, gets out on the other side, finds a crowded little marketplace, puts a scarf around his head, a fake beard, blends in with a group of monks walking by. The bad guys turn the corner. “There he is!” [humming James Bond theme music] James Bond manages to shake them off, gets into another group of areas, pops out on the other side, finds a transportation hub, gets into a bus, the bus goes one way, gets into a tram, the tram goes the other way. The bad guys turn the corner. “There he is!” [humming James Bond theme music] The movie would be ten minutes long. It would end with James Bond panting in an alley. [panting] “How did you find me?” We would lose so many epic scenes… like that moment where James reveals his name. Do you know that scene in the casino we always wait for? Him dressed in a tux, playing a high-stakes game of baccarat. You see Idris Elba walking over to the bartender now to place that iconic order. “Bartender, I’ll take my martini shaken, not stirred. The name’s…” [Scottish accent] “James Bond. I know.” “I’m sorry, mate, have we met?” “No. I just heard there was a spy in town. Figured it was you.” “What gave me away? Is it the way I dress?” “Oh, there’s just something about you.” “Something like what?” “You know… Hmm.” It’ll be hard. Scotland was so much fun. Every day I was there, I felt like I was learning something new. I did learn something that I wish to share with you, and I hope you’ll not suffer the same ills I did. If you do go to Scotland, and you are ever offered a drink… don’t. Because, you see, the Scottish, unlike us– We drink to enjoy. The Scottish drink to die. I used to think the Scottish had an accent. I’ve now learned that’s just centuries of people trying not to throw up. That’s all that is. [Scottish accent] “All right. What you do… [groaning] You laddies never had that drink– [groaning] [speaking gibberish in Scottish accent] I made that mistake myself. I was doing shows in Edinburgh. And after one of the shows, I left the venue and my friend Mick was waiting for me backstage. He was like, “How was your show?” “It was good, Mick. How was yours?” He’s like, “Not too bad. Me and the lads are going to the pub, grab a drink. You wanna join us?” I said, “No, I don’t really drink, Mick. I’m just gonna go home.” He’s like, “It’s not about drinking. We’re just gonna hang out, right? Just grab a wee, little drink.” And that’s where he got me. Scottish people do that so well. Just like, “A wee, little drink?” Makes it sound harmless, doesn’t it? “Oh, just a wee, little drink?” Sounds tiny. “Wee, little, drink. Yeah, wee, little.” Nothing sounds dangerous like that. Yeah, what happened in Nagasaki? “Oh, they dropped a wee nuclear bomb.” Doesn’t sound that bad. He was like, “A wee, little drink.” I was like, “Let’s have a wee, little drink.” So I joined him. We went drinking. I don’t remember. I do remember waking up the next day in my bed, partially dressed, shirt on the floor. Pants still on. Left shoe on. Right shoe on the pillow beside me. And my head pounding, pounding. You know when you can hear you heart beating inside your head? I get up and I’m like, “Oh, I feel horrible.” And as I stand up– As I stand up, I could feel– I could feel… the vomit coming. I could feel it. I could feel it, like… [whooshing sound] It did that thing. But I held it. I controlled that. If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s I don’t throw up. Let’s just get that straight. I don’t throw up. I control myself. When I see people throwing up, I’m like, “You’re weak. Control yourself. You’re weak.” This is my body, my temple. I control it. The body tried. I was like, “No! No!” My body was like, “Come on, man. I gotta–” I was like, “No! No! Breathe!” [breathing deeply] Had it in check. Went to the kitchen, started to make some breakfast. And as I poured the milk into the cereal bowl, my body was like, “Hey, Trevor?” I was like, “What’s going on, buddy?” “Hey, do you mind if I burp?” “Of course I don’t mind if you burp. You burp all the time.” “Yeah, ’cause I’m gonna burp right now. Just a standard, everyday burp.” “I don’t know why you’re warning me. You never warn me usually when you burp. You just burp.” “I wanted to let you know it’s just a burp. Don’t worry.” I was like, “Okay, go ahead and burp.” “Okay, here it comes.” And my body was like… [imitates vomiting] But then, I caught it in my mouth. I caught it all in my mouth, though. Oh, yeah. Judge me! Judge me. The only reason you know the taste is because you’re alcoholics. You’re gonna judge me. We’ve all done that before. That’s the classy thing to do. Catch it in your mouth, so you can handle your business in the toilet. Caught it all in my mouth. I ran to the toilet. I threw up, and it was the worst feeling in the world. I don’t even drink. Throwing up is now an added reason to not– And, you know, when you’re throwing up… the worst part for me is the dry heaving. You know, when you’re done, everything is finished, but still– That’s when I know that humans aren’t as evolved as we think we are. Because your body and your brain, at that point, there’s nothing left. There’s nothing there, and still you– There’s nothing there. [imitates heaving] There’s nothing. And we’re all in that position– It’s not gracious. No one’s looking cool. Everyone is there. You’re just like… Everyone is in that same position. No one throws up in a cool fashion. No one’s there, like… [imitates heaving] No one. Every single one of us, we’re reduced… to a pile of pain. [groaning and coughing] It’s finished. It’s finished. It’s fini– [heaving and sobbing] Oh, it’s so sore. It’s so sore. There’s nothing there. Why don’t you realize that– [groaning] Oh, please. Oh, please. I’m dying. I’m dying. I’m dying. I don’t even know what– [groaning] And then blood came out. Yeah, not good. So, I panicked. I was like, “I’m bleeding internally. I need to get to the hospital.” Called my friend Mick. I was like, “Mick, where are you?” He’s like, “I’m home. What’s going on?” I said, “I need your help. I drank too much last night.” He’s like, “Yeah. And?” I said, “This morning, I threw up a lot.” He’s like, “Yeah, right. And?” I said, “And then, while I was throwing up, blood came out.” He’s like, “Yeah, right. And?” I said, “And that’s it, Mick. Blood came out of my mouth.” He said, “Oh, that’s too bad, Trevor. So, what are you gonna do now?” I said, “I’m gonna go to the hospital, Mick.” He’s like, “I don’t know if that’s necessary. Like, was it a lot of blood?” “Any blood is a lot of blood. What do you mean?” He’s like, “I know what you’re saying, but was it a lot, or was it a wee bit of blood?” Mick didn’t take me to the hospital. Instead, he decided to come over with some bananas and white bread. He forced me to eat that. And that night, I had another show. I was horrible. It was a bad show. And afterwards, I leave the venue. And who’s standing outside waiting for me? My good friend Mick. And he’s like, “Trevor, how was your show?” I said, “It was horrible, Mick, horrible. I thought I was gonna die.” He’s like, “Oh, that’s too bad. You wanna go talk about it over a pint?” I said, “What?” He’s like, “Let’s go grab a wee drink.” I said, “There’s no wee nothing here. There is no “wee” ever again.” He’s like, “What are you talking about?” I said, “Mick, I thought I was gonna die. I’m not gonna drink.” He’s like, “Don’t be like that. It’s just one bad day.” I was like, “Yeah, and I’d like to live to see another, Mick. I’m not going with you.” He’s, like, “Trevor, don’t be–” I’m like, “Don’t be like what?” He’s like, “Don’t be a pussy.” And that’s where he lost me. That is where he lost me. I understand what he was trying to do. Guys do it all the time. Hit you with the phrase, “Don’t be a pussy.” Yes. Because it implies weakness. Yeah. Do not be like the vagina. The vagina that is weak. Yes. Yes. Don’t be a pussy. Guys say that, and then you do what they want. “Don’t be a pussy.” Yeah, don’t be a pussy, ’cause the pussy is weak. And yet, in my personal experience… I have found the pussy to be one of the strongest things I have ever come across in my life. Don’t be a pussy? Have you ever come across a pussy? The vagina is one of the most powerful– You realize vaginas can start revolutions and end wars. You realize, even on a physical level, the vagina is one of the strongest things that have ever existed. Virtually indestructible. Many men in this room– Many, many men in this room have tales of how they once defeated the pussy. Let me tell you now, they have not. The owner of the pussy may have given you the impression that you defeated the pussy, but it is alive and well, my friends. Whenever people say that, I go, “Do you understand how impressive the vagina is? Do you understand how strong it is?” There’s a reason men have sought to oppress it for so long. The vagina is frighteningly powerful. You realize human beings come out of a vagina. Human beings come out, and still it continues to work as intended. Do you understand how impressive that is? I don’t know if I’m the only one. New York, do you understand? A human being comes out… of the vagina. And still, it continues to operate, and it continues to work after a human has just come out. You’re saying it’s weak? A human came out of the vagina. You just sit on a penis wrong, and it breaks. You just– “Don’t be a penis,” that should be the phrase. “Don’t be a pussy.” I wish I was a pussy. Are you serious right now? “Don’t be a penis,” that should be the saying. Scotland taught me so many things. Beautiful place, beautiful people, rich in culture. My favorite thing to do while I was there was trying to learn the Scottish accents. I butcher it, but I don’t care. I have fun. What I do when I travel is try to speak to people in their accents and see if they can catch me out. That’s one of my favorite games. I’d walk into a store in Edinburgh, and I’d just be like… [Scottish accent] “Good afternoon. I would like to buy a pair of shoes.” He’d be like, “Where are you from?” “I’m from Scotland.” “Aye, what part?” “Johannesburg.” I love it, though. I love the accents not just because they sound fun and it’s an interesting thing to do. I love accents because I’m always impressed by how much power they have over us, over our minds. When someone speaks a certain way, it changes how we feel about that person, for good and for bad. We do it all the time. You see people on the streets, they speak to you, you think of them a different way. You see world leaders. They speak a certain way, you think of them a different way. You know? Barack Obama, one of the greatest examples of that. Everything about Barack. Barack Obama was, by far, the coolest president that has ever existed. Just everything about the man, you know? That confidence, the smile, the swag. When you notice Barack– I would notice it in the small things, like when he’d step out of Air Force One. He did it like no other president in the world. Normally, presidents step out of their airplane in a frumpy manner. There’s no class or skill. They just, like, come out. But Barack… he wouldn’t step out. He’d emerge. He’d emerge like he was stepping out of the plane and into a music video. He’d do that thing where he’d come out… [cheers and applause] And then he’d go down the stairs, doing it the only way he could, you know? The way he descended, it looked like every time he hit the ground, he was just gonna go into verse one. Just straight into it, like… ♪ Girl ♪ ♪ I wanna take you there ♪ ♪ Give you my Obamacare ♪ Oh, man. Barack Obama’s just too cool. He had the walk. He had the talk. That was the big thing people never realized about Barack Obama, was the talk. That’s what really gave him the edge. He has a certain way of speaking, a certain voice that commands your attention, makes you feel about him a certain way. It’s the accent, the way he speaks. And I don’t know how many people realized this, but Nelson Mandela had the same thing. Yeah. See, the thing Barack Obama has in his voice, that is the voice of a first black president. A lot of people didn’t notice that because he was the first and last first black president of the United States. You wouldn’t know to compare. I’m lucky in that I’ve gotten to be– I’ve gotten to live in the country of two first black presidents, namely, Nelson Mandela and Barack Obama. So, I know what I’m talking about. They both have that thing. It’s just difficult to hear because Mandela’s obviously South African, and he was older. They both had that thing in the voice. When Nelson Mandela would speak, a room would silence. You could feel the energy. [imitating Nelson Mandela] “I believe… that every person, regardless of the color of their skin, should have equal rights, and they may never be taken again. To those who would seek to oppress, I say to you, never, and never again.” And the people would lose their minds. People would feel the chills, because he had that thing. Nelson Mandela was destined for greatness because of that voice. He could not be a normal man with a voice like that. You can’t do normal things with that voice. You are destined for greatness. You can’t be running in the streets: “And a Kit Kat, please.” No. No. It’s so unique. You can’t be silly. What are you making, prank phone calls? “Who the hell is this?!” “I’m not telling you.” [laughs] It just doesn’t work. I remember when Nelson Mandela was still alive, and he would tell jokes at press conferences and events, and no one would laugh. Because everyone thought a man who had been in jail for 27 years couldn’t make a joke. And yet, he still did. He still kept what was him. It was partly because of that voice. He would tell the joke, and it would just sound too epic for people to laugh. Everything he did, he’d just be like, “Ah, knock, knock.” People would be like, “Let him in. Let him in!” “No. No, no. You must say, ‘Who’s there?'” “He is so right. We’ve always got to ask, ‘Who’s there?’ Who’s here? Who are we?’ Oh, my God!” It was because of that voice, the first black president voice. And I’ll never forget the day I saw a picture… of Barack Obama meeting Nelson Mandela for the very first time. It’s a beautiful image, and it’s of the two men in silhouette. In Chicago, Nelson Mandela sitting in a chair. Barack Obama leaning over him. And this was way back in the day. This was before Barack Obama was a blip on the presidential radar. He was a junior senator. Not many people knew his name. Back then, he was driving around in his own car. No motorcade. Had his aide with him. And that day, they heard Nelson Mandela was going to be in Chicago meeting people. Barack Obama wanted to meet him his whole life. He rushed over there. He was the last person Nelson Mandela saw. The last person he saw that day. And I always imagine Nelson Mandela was sitting in the room, and his assistant came over. She was like, “Mr. Mandela, I know we said we’re done. But unfortunately, there’s this one person who would like to meet you, sir.” He’s like, “Oh, Zelda. I’m so tired. Can we leave?” “No, I know you want to leave, Mr. Mandela. But there’s a young man there you really need to meet. His name is Barack Hussein Obama.” “Barack Hussein Obama? He’s American?” “Yes, that’s correct.” “He’s going to have a tough time. Where is he?” “He’s right outside the door.” “Okay. Show him in. Show Barack in.” “Okay, I’ll be right back.” And she went over to the door. She’s like, “Mr. Obama, Mr. Mandela will see you now.” And Barack walked in. He was super excited to meet his idol. Nelson Mandela was sitting on the chair. He looked over. “Ah. Young Barack. How are you?” And Barack was like, “Oh, man, Nelson Mandela, this is the craziest day of my life! I can’t believe this shit! I can’t believe I’m meeting Nelson Mandela for the first time. I waited my whole life for this moment. I want to be just like you. I read your books. I saw what you were doing in prison. I was like, ‘I’ll be the first black president of America.’ I’m gonna do the same things you did. I’m gonna win those votes. I’m gonna be the first black President of America!” And Nelson Mandela was like, “Not with that voice. You will scare the white people.” “Oh, man, Nelson Mandela, this is the greatest day of my life. I don’t even understand how– I want to know from you, how do I do it? How do I do what you did? How do I become the first black president?” “Well, first things first. We need to change that voice. You don’t sound like you are going to lead anything.” “I don’t know what you mean.” “You are speaking so fast. Slow it down. You’re not being chased anymore.” “Wow, I never thought of it like that.” “Slow down. Slow down.” “Okay. I guess I do speak fast sometimes. -Like, I could–” -“Slower than that.” “I could slow it down. I could slow it way down. Is this good?” “That’s better. Now, you need to make sure… you add some bass to your voice.” “I don’t know why that’s an issue.” [high-pitched voice] “Imagine if I spoke like this. Do you think people would have voted for me? [normal voice] No. I would still be in jail. Bring some bass.” “Okay, I could try to– [clears throat] I could try to bring some bass. Is that–” “Lower than that.” [deeper voice] “I can go lower than that. Is that good?” “Lower than that.” [deeper voice] “Lower, lower. Way down. I could keep it here. I could keep it here.” “That’s better. Now, very important: to be a first black president, your pacing must… be… powerful. Every word… must seem… like the last… you will ever speak.” “Wow, that’s powerful, Mr. Mandela. Let me try… to speak like that. Does that work?” “That’s good. Very good. I can feel it. Yes. Now, for the magic touch. To be first black president, you need to have the husk.” [raspy vocalizing] [deep, raspy vocalizing] “No. More husky.” [raspy vocalizing] “That’s it. You are getting it now.” [raspy vocalizing continues] “That’s it. I think you’ve got it. Now, repeat after me. America.” “America.” “No. The husk. Bring the husk back. America.” -“America.” -“America.” [imitating Barack Obama] “America.” “America.” -“America.” -“Yes! I can feel it. Say, ‘This is my country.'” -“This is my country.” -“Yes! -This is my dream!” -“This is my dream.” “Yes, I can feel it.” You are going to be the first black president.” “I don’t know. Do you think we can do it?” -“Yes, we can.” -“Yes, we can.” -“Yes, we can.” -“Yes, we can.” -“Yes, we can.” -“Yes, we can.” “Ha ha! You’ve got it right. Now, go get them, my n i g g a.” [cheers and applause] I’d like to think that’s how it went down. It’s crazy and frightening when you think about how just the way you speak can determine and change your path in life. We still do it today. It’s the reason half of the world has immigrant problems. It’s not really immigrant problems. It’s the fear of something different. When people say they don’t like immigrants, most of the time, they’re not referring to immigrants who look and sound like them. They’re talking about immigrants who speak differently, who look different. You know, ’cause an accent comes with a connotation. You think you know if someone is smart or stupid because of their accent. And yet, an accent is not a measure of intelligence. It’s just someone speaking your language with the rules of theirs. Accents have connotations. We cannot deny it. Look at the French. We all believe that the French are romantic. Why? Because of their accent. They’ve got that thing. [vocalizing with French inflection] [French accent] “I was thinking that maybe we could– how you say– afterwards, maybe we could try to…” [female voice] “Oh, my God, he’s so sexy. Oh, my God.” Accents determine how we see people. Same thing happens with the Russians. The Russians, the most feared people on the planet. Why? Because of how they speak. I don’t care who you are, you cannot deny that when a Russian speaks, you are not comfortable. As soon as they open their mouths: [Russian accent] “Yeah. Going to kill you, break you. I’ll destroy your family.” Even if they say nice things, it still sounds menacing and dangerous. “Yeah, fluffy rabbits and teddy bears. Happy Valentine’s Day.” Sounds like a threat. You don’t mess with Russians. I don’t care who you are, where you are, you do not mess with the Russians because of that accent. All of us in the world are afraid of the Russians. They do that thing when they speak. Strikes fear into the hearts of men. And you see it every single day. Look what happened at the Olympics. We found out the Russians have been doping for the last four or five Olympics. Olympic Committee banned them, confidently as well. While they were in Zurich. [German accent] “We here at the Olympic Committee feel that the Russians may no longer participate in the Olympic Games to their doping practices. And they are now hereby uninvited from the Games in Rio and banned hitherto into the future. Thank you very much.” And the Russians were like, “What did you say?” “The truth is, you know, the Olympics is for everybody. You can come when you want to. I mean, who am I to ban you, ja? This is for all of us. Okay. I see you in Rio. Okay. Auf wiedersehen. Bye-bye.” Everyone’s afraid of the Russians. You see it when it comes to geopolitics. Look at what happened in the Ukraine. Russia took a piece of another country. Annexed Crimea. No provocation, no reason. Out of nowhere, the Russians were just like, “Yeah. I like.” And the whole world, what did we do? [whistling] You don’t mess with the Russians. Most frightening people in the world. You know how I know this? You know how I’ve learned? Because I’ve learned how to use the Russian accent for myself. I’ve learned how to harness that energy and use it for good. I’ll share this with you, I don’t mind. I, uh– I’m not particularly comfortable in the house at night by myself. What I’m trying to say is I’m afraid of the dark. And I know it’s stupid to be afraid of the dark, right? Because there’s nothing there, nine times out of ten. But what happens is, I’ll be sleeping. And in the middle of the night, I’ll be woken up by the need to pee. And whenever that happens, I’m always faced with the eternal dilemma. When I go to the bathroom, do I turn the lights on and lose my sleep? Or do I leave the lights off and shit myself? I never know which one to go with. But what I started doing now is I leave the lights off. And when I go the bathroom, I just speak to myself in a Russian accent. It sounds crazy, but I feel safe. I feel like I’m the most dangerous thing in the night. You’ll find me at three a.m., barefoot, walking to the toilet, like, “Yes. Big boy got to make a pee-pee. No trouble over here. It’s potty time.” I feel safe, like even if there’s a monster under the bed, he’d be like, “Is that a Russian?” There’s just something about that Russian accent. Ladies, every single one of you needs to learn the Russian accent. You read stories all the time. I talk to my female friends all the time, my family members, and women are constantly under assault. Women are living a life of being vulnerable. Walking through the streets, men catcalling. In the office place, people groping. Feeling like they have ownership of the female form. I know we can’t solve this tomorrow, but if you learn the Russian accent, half of those problems would disappear. The next time you’re in a compromising position, you’re at a bar, waiting for your drink. That creepy guy comes up and starts grinding on you from behind. “Hey, how are you? Hey, you want to dance?” “No, I’m fine, thank you. I’m just getting a drink. I don’t–” “Come on, dance with me, girl.” “I’m fine. I don’t wanna dance. Thank you. I’m waiting for my friends. I’m good.” “Come on. ♪ I know you want me ♪ ♪ You know I want you ♪ Come on! ♪ I know you want me ♪” “I don’t want dance with you. Please!” “Hey, you don’t gotta be such a bitch!” Whenever that happens, ladies, don’t be afraid, don’t stress. Just whip out your Russian and kill it dead. As soon as he says, “Don’t be such a bitch!” Just be like… [Russian accent] “You want to see bitch?” Done. Sober up and walk away. Use it for anything, ladies. Anything. At work, in the streets. Use it at home. Doesn’t have to be life-or-death, could be a mild annoyance. Yeah. Next time you’re in bed. You’re trying to sleep, but you can’t because there’s this horny little rabbit behind you… dry-humping your back. You know the nights I’m talking about. Everyone in this room knows the nights I’m talking about. Ladies, you’re dog-tired, you just want to fall asleep. And he’s there behind you. “Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby.” [tiredly] “What?” “Are you sleeping?” “Yeah, I’m trying. What do you want?” “I want you, baby. I’ve wanted you all night. Oh, I want you so bad. You look so good right now. In that nightgown and your curlers, girl. I just want you so bad right now.” “Oh, baby. Thank you for thinking I’m beautiful even though I’m in my curlers, but, please, can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m so tired. Baby, aren’t you tired?” “I’m never tired for you, girl. I want you right now.” “Oh, baby, please. Let’s do this tomorrow. Please, I’m so tired. I just want to sleep.” “It’s fine. You can sleep. I don’t mind.” “No, I’m not gonna–” Yo, for real, ladies, can I just say, men are creeps. On behalf of all men, I apologize, because we are disgusting creeps. Every single one of us. “No, I’m not gonna sleep. What’s wrong with you? What are you talking about?” “What do you mean? I want you, is that so bad?” “I’m just tired.” “You said when we left the show, ‘That was fun, we had a good time.’ Then we’re driving home. You were like, ‘I can’t wait to get you back.'” “I know I said that, and I did, I wanted to. But then I got into bed. I didn’t even realize how tired I was. Baby, please. I promise you I’m not–” “You do this to me all the time. What am I supposed to do now? Look at me. Do you know how hard it is to have blue balls, how painful this is? What am I supposed to do now with this?” I love how guys talk about an erection like it’s something bought at the store and we can’t return. Then he says, “What am I supposed to do with this? I’ve opened it. I can’t take it back. Huh? What am I supposed to do with this?” Whenever that happens, you aren’t fighting the man, you’re fighting his horniness. It’s gonna turn into a fight that’s gonna spoil your week, maybe your month. Don’t let it happen. Just get your Russian out and kill it dead. As soon as he starts losing it– “You’re doing this all the time. You reject me. I just want you.” And just be like, “Okay, okay. Show me what penis can do. Let’s go. Make action, lover boy.” Done. Problem solved. Even the penis will be like, “You know what, you’re right. I told him, but he wouldn’t listen to me. I don’t know how we got to this point. Because what happened was he called me. ‘Come out, there’s a party.’ I came out. I was like, ‘You’re sleeping?’ He’s like, ‘I’ll wake her up.’ I was like, ‘Don’t wake her up.’ You know me. I don’t wake you. I’m here five times a night. I’ve never woken you. I don’t know why he woke you up. I’m gonna be chilling. I had some stuff to do. Go back to bed. Because I respect you. I have paperwork that I’m handling in my office. If you need me, you know where to find me. He shouldn’t have done that. I want to apologize, ’cause I don’t think you should be in a situation where a man is pressuring you.” [mumbling] Done. Kill it dead, ladies. All you need is that Russian accent. The most dangerous accent in the world. And yet… yet… strangely enough… I found the Russian language does not make me fear at all. Strangest discovery I made. The Russian accent… makes me fear. The Russian language does not. Because a language is something someone else speaks. An accent is me interpreting how they’re using mine. It’s a completely different thing. I was walking through the streets. There was a man on the phone, Russian guy, speaking to someone in English. Sounded like he was setting up a drug deal. Then he switched into Russian. The strangest thing happened in my brain. And he was like, “Vlad. The guys got to be there at three o’clock. Tell me when you get the package. Afterwards, I got to let you know– No, Vlad. No, listen. Vlad, Vlad. Vlad, nyet, nyet, Vlad.” [speaking mock Russian] That was the weirdest thing in my head. In my head, he instantly went from international criminal to immigrant instantly. I wasn’t afraid anymore. It was the strangest thing. He was just a normal person in my mind, because Russian doesn’t frighten me. If anything, Russian just sounds like a DJ is scratching on a turntable. That’s all I hear when I hear Russian, like a DJ took a turntable. They’re scratching English like, “Vlad, the guys got to be there at three o’clock. You got to let me know when you get the package. Afterwards, the guy’s got to call me. Don’t worry about that. I’ll let you know. No, Vlad. Listen, Vlad. [imitating record playing backwards as mock Russian] [imitates record scratching] Russian. That’s all I’m hearing. New York, you guys have been amazing. Thank you so much for coming out. I had a great time with all of you. You just made one of my dreams come true. Thank you to every single one of you that came tonight. Thank you. Good night. [music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

George Carlin: Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-seven-words-you-can-never-say-on-television/

The original version of George Carlin’s classic routine, from his landmark comedy album Class Clown (1972). At the time Carlin was relatively well known for tame satirical routines about the entertainment industry. His previous album FM & AM released the same year, showed that he was already drifting towards counter-culture icon, but Class Clown was a landmark. Besides musings about his youth, the album featured strongly directed remarks against the Vietnam War and his attachment to taboo topics. The album contains “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television”, which became the focus of government harassment in the year that followed, and perhaps Carlin’s most famous calling card. Carlin continued to explore the use of profanity for the rest of his career. While this skit prevents the album from being Carlin’s only profanity-free one since 1971, it also marks the first time Carlin has used the word “fuck” in any of his recordings. “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. They’re my work, they’re my play, they’re my passion. Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid, y’know like, woo woo woo woo, POP! Then we assign a word to a thought and we’re stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that yeah, the same words that hurt can heal, it’s a matter of how you pick them. There are some people that aren’t into all the words. There are some that would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7 of them that you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They’d have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you 7, baaad words! That’s what they told us they were, remember? “That’s a bad word!” No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions, and words! You know the 7, don’t you, that you can’t say on television? “Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.” Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that’ll infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war. “Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits,” wow! And “tits” doesn’t even belong on the list, y’know? Man! That’s such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? “Hey, Tits, come here, man. Hey! Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots.” It sounds like a snack, doesn’t it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. But I don’t mean your sexist snack! I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits, Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. “Betcha Can’t Eat Just One!” That’s true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does not belong on the list. Actually none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I’m not completely insensitive to people’s feelings. I can understand why some of those words got on the list, like cocksucker and motherfucker. Those are heavyweight words. There’s a lot going on there. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. I mean, they’re just busy words. There’s a lot of syllables to contend with. And those Ks, those are aggressive sounds. They just jump out at you like “coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer. coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer.” It’s like an assault on you. So I can dig that. We mentioned shit earlier, and 2 of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are piss and cunt, which go together of course. A little accidental humor there. The reason that piss and cunt are on the list is because a long time ago, there were certain ladies that said “Those are the two I am not going to say. I don’t mind fuck and shit but ‘P’ and ‘C’ are out.” Which led to such stupid sentences as “Okay you fuckers, I’m going to tinkle now.” And, of course, the word fuck. I don’t really, well that’s more accidental humor, I don’t wanna get into that now because I think it takes too long. But I do mean that. I think the word fuck is a very important word. It’s the beginning of life, yet it is a word we use to hurt one another quite often. People much wiser than I am have said, “I’d rather have my son watch a film with two people making love than two people trying to kill one another.” I, of course, can agree. It is a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but I like to take it a step further. I’d like to substitute the word Fuck for the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with. “Okay, Sheriff, we’re gonna fuck you now, but we’re gonna fuck you slow.” So maybe next year I’ll have a whole fuckin’ ramp on the N word. I hope so. Those are the 7 you can never say on television, under any circumstances. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even clinically. You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed, and Johnny. I mean, it is just impossible. Forget those 7. They’re out. But there are some 2-way words, those double-meaning words. Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade? “…And the cock crowed three times.” “Hey, the cock crowed 3 times. Ha ha ha ha. Hey, it’s in the Bible. Ha ha ha ha.” There are some 2-way words, like it’s okay for Curt Gowdy to say “Roberto Clemente has 2 balls on him,” but he can’t say, “I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony. Don’t you? He’s holding them. He must’ve hurt them, by God.” And the other 2-way word that goes with that one is prick. It’s okay if it happens to your finger. You can prick your finger but don’t finger your prick. No, no.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RICHARD PRYOR: LIVE ON THE SUNSET STRIP (1982) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-live-sunset-strip-1982-full-transcript/

Recorded at the Circle Star Theater in San Carlos, California, in 1981 and at The Hollywood Palladium in Hollywood, California, in 1982. Ladies and gentlemen, live on the Sunset Strip, Richard Pryor! “Women” We are gathered here today… to make sure… everyone eats. If not each other… food. I was gonna talk about something that’s very serious… and I hope no one gets offended. I wanna talk about fucking. And sometimes I talk about it. And a lot of people in the audience… don’t know what I mean. So would you raise your hand it you don’t know what fucking is… so we can watch your ass when you leave here? Because not enough fuckin’… goin’ on in America. Americans. Reagan get in, you stop fuckin’. We fucked when Carter was in. We fucked all the time. There wasn’t nothin’ else to do. “Hey. Let’s fuck.” President makin’ a speech. “Let’s fuck.” Reagan in. Now. Everybody listen to this motherfucker. “We can’t fuck now.” I say get them last few fucks in now. See. I know one of the advantages. When you’re in show business, the little extra treat you get… is that you get pussy. And, you know… the great pussy drought of the ’50s? I was caught up in that motherfucker. I’m talkin’ about… I discovered masturbating by accident. I’m not lying. I was about ten. I was in the tub. And that’s when you used to have to hold your dick with two fingers. You remember when you was little like that? Right? I was in the tub. I said. “Hey. I’m on to something here. I bet Dad don’t know about this.” And then when you was young, remember. Men… We didn’t come or nothin’. You just made that tunny feelin’. You know. You… First time I came, ejaculated. Scared the fuck out of me. Man. I thought somethin’ was wrong. Right? I was with this woman. I said. “Look what the fuck you done did!” About an hour later though. I was back goin’. “Can you do it again?” Women are so cool about sex. They like it as much as we do. But they can be cooler. You say, “Do you wanna fuck?” “No.” And they go home and have all that electrical equipment. I can’t get off behind that long shit. Nothin’. I remember one time I got some Playboy bunny pussy. I thought I was in the big time. Goin’ home with a Playboy bunny! You dig? We was gonna have a nice little midnight snack. I went to her apartment. Her apartment was bad! It was one of those apartments that if I don’t get the pussy… I can fuck this couch. We started talkin’. She had seen my act. She said, “I really like the way you do those little kids in your act. Them’s great. Can you talk like a little kid?” I said. “What? Now?” “Yeah. Just do a little.” “I feel funny. I mean… okay. You mean. Like, when I do this? Like that?” She said, “Yeah.” I say. “You like that. Huh?” And she started taking off clothes. And the more clothes she took off. The younger I got. When she got to her panties. I was on the floor talking about… She gave birth to me about 9:30. Can I get some water? There was supposed to be a stool and some water. Is it April Fools’? Oh. This is the one. I have to walk way the fuck over there to get some water. Thank you. Brother. Don’t trip. You’re nervouser than me. Shit. Thank you. I wish I had had a pitcher of that shit. Thank you. – What’s in it? – Huh? Water. As far as I know. I hope I don’t start tripping. Did that… Was that here all the time? That motherfucker been there all the time? Wait a minute. We don’t know nothin’… but the photographic memory. This motherfucker was not here. See. We may not be literate. But we visual than a motherfucker. Just needed a little water… to relax… calm down. ‘Cause I feel the tension from you all. You all want me to do so well. I want to do so well for you. But let’s relax and enjoy… whatever the fuck happens. ‘Cause I got my check. I’m gonna tell you something. I got so fuckin’ nervous… myself. Today. I forgot what the fuck I did. I was at home. I said, “I know I do somethin’… ’cause there’s too many white folks paying attention to me… for me not to be in jail and shit.” I used to think when I first started. I said… “Maybe I ain’t funny no more. You know. Maybe I ain’t angry at nothin’ tor real in my heart, you know.” I’d just say. “I’m just not mad about it. I don’t get it. Motherfuckers wanna kill yourselves. That’s your business. Just don’t do it on my porch.” And it really takes a lot to start workin’ again on stage… because then your mind ain’t there and your spirit… and you’re tryin’ to go for it. And greed is a bitch. Greed says, “Go ahead and do it. They offer you so much money… and you’re greedy.” And then your manager is larger than anything, right? He says. “But you’re not like that. You don’t want to rip people oft. You try and do the best… and you go out there and you make an ass of yourself… embarrass your friends. Hold your dick.” My greed does not exceed my self-respect. My greed is good. Though. Greed is runnin’ a close motherfuckin’ second. When I’m asleep. Greed is workin’ on the self-respect somewhere. “Say. Why don’t you just do it tor a little more?” But I do a lot of shit now that I never did when I didn’t have money. I didn’t have the problems I have now, like watchin’ motherfuckers count it. I must drive my accountant crazy. I wake up at 3:00 in the morning going, “Hey. Man, what the fuck? How much is it? Well. Prove it. Bring it over.” “But it’s three in the morning.” “Fuck that. I want to see it now.” And I got lawyers and shit. Lawyers are some expensive motherfuckers. And I got lawyers and shit. Lawyers are some expensive motherfuckers. I got a lawyer. First week. The motherfucker… brought me a bill for $40,000. I said, “Motherfucker. I just met you!” And lawyers, they don’t get upset. Right? “Goddamn it! Why is this…” “Don’t worry. Everything will be all right.” “No, but I wanna know why you…” “Take it easy.” And you leave there feelin’ like an asshole. You be goin’, “What the fuck am I yellin’ about? They calm. I’m just facing 47 years.” Them motherfuckers will keep you out of the penitentiary… and out of a lot of courts. But it’s gonna cost a lot! Some people must say. “Fuck it. I’ll go to the penitentiary. You motherfuckers cost too much. I can do ten years in the penitentiary and get off better… than these 30 you’re gonna put on me.” I met some lawyers, right? I had a guy I’m suing. A black attorney who was my brother. Right on. He was. It was beautiful. My brother. The motherfucker took me hook, line and sinker… on dry land. I don’t know. I just know that this is wonderful. Especially this suit… that I have on. I thought if I have a monkey, me and this suit will be hot. ‘Cause I can’t wear this kind of shit real comfortable. You have to be cool. Billy Dee Williams could hang in this motherfucker. Me, when I wear shit like this. I’m always afraid… that one motherfucker somewhere will say… “What you doin’ in that red suit. You ugly motherfucker? “I don’t fuck around anymore, since I got married. I am married. I don’t fuck around. That’s right. When you are married… say you don’t fuck around it you got any brains. My wife: “What? Did you fuck…” “No, I was not fucking her. I don’t care what you think you saw. I was not fucking her. Now. Are you gonna believe me or your lying eyes? I was not fucking her.” And my wife… My wife has been putting up with me… We went together six years before the bitch landed me. She paid dues… ’cause I am no day at the beach. I know I’m hard to get along with. I know that… ’cause I might wake up in the morning and go… “Hey. Wake up. What was that shit you said last February?” This is my forth, fifth, sixth marriage. Eighth? I don’t know. But I remember every woman that I was ever in love with. I remember all 12 of them. I really do. They were wonderful. It’s just… I’ve never been able to have a… what they call sustain a relationship. That’s what it’s called now. In other words. When you stop wantin’ to be with the motherfucker, you leave. That’s what I do. Most people hang around till the shit get… makes you look ugly and shit… and you be hangin’ out with a bitch you don’t want to be with. “Yeah. This is my lady.” That gets you into feelings and shit. When you get married… you have to feel. My wife says, “Feel. Express your feelings. Darling, don’t lock it up. Just speak your mind.” When I was just fuckin’ around. I didn’t have to say shit but… “Can I fuck? Good-bye. Here’s the money for a cab.” But now, it’s different when you’re married. This is about the time I’ve been married… and it’s really exciting. Because I really am trying. I really am trying. I’m telling you, I’m fuckin’ trying, okay? But it’s hard to wake up and see the same person all the fuckin’ time. I know this works for women too. I mean, it’s the same motherfucker. All the time. “Thank you. Baby, but goddamn! Not today. Goddamn it. I don’t want to fuck you anymore for eight months. Let’s make our sexual life interesting. You go away for a year. When you come back, we will fuck like rabbits.” And my wife’s always talkin’ about “express yourself.” “Darling. Express your feelings. Emotions. Try to talk. Try to not be so physical. Learn how to speak. Try to talk. Now. Darling, what is the problem?” “Bitch, I’m gonna kill you.” My wife is white, and the first two years we went together… she thought her name was White Honky Bitch. She did. She put up with the shit. I learned, though. After that, ’cause I was death on her. “White honky bitch, and the black man this… and you don’t know shit.” But I stayed with the motherfucker. I kept staying. I grew some. It can happen. It it happened to me. It could happen to you. She’s wonderful about expressing yourself. I get mad, I can’t even talk. The madder I get, the quieter I get. My voice just goes down a notch, especially… “Well. All right. What I’m trying to do here…” Feelings are a hard fucking thing to deal with. I don’t give a fuck who you are. It’s not easy to be bullshittin’. But when you get them feelings. Somebody touches that shit inside you… that shit be fuckin’ with you. And women, I don’t give a fuck. You all can be so cool… about turnin’ a motherfucker oft. You love when a motherfucker be in love with you… ’cause you can be some nasty bitches. “Darling. Please don’t leave me. Just give me…” “Oh. God. Are you calling again? God, Richard, please. Just don’t do this to yourself. I mean, why don’t you go home and bathe or something like that. Just don’t call here anymore. Just a minute. John.” How can women be so cool, though. When you angry? “Don’t you tell me! I love you! Don’t you see?” “Yes, dear. I’m going for a walk.” “A walk? I wanna tight!” One night. I left the house about 137 times. I did. I just said, “Fuck you!” And then I’d have to come back. Like. You forget your keys. You ever leave and forget your keys? “Bitch! Yeah. Motherfucker! Yeah. Uh-huh! Believe that shit! Yeah. You’ll see. Oh, shit.” Then you got to go back in the house. Why come your old lady looks so good after you’ve been away tor a while? You ever. Like. Get your heart broke? Men here. You ever had your heart broke? Women get their heart broke, they cry. Men don’t do that shit. Men hold that shit in like it don’t hurt… walkin’ around and get hit by trucks. “Didn’t he see that truck?” “Motherfucker. He wouldn’t have seen a 747… ’cause his heart was broken.” There’s a feelin’… Gettin’ your motherfuckin’ heart broke… it’s like, I don’t know. Men cannot graduate till a woman breaks your fuckin’ heart. That is your diploma. It either kill you or make you fat. I’m talkin’ about that heartache where your motherfuckin’ heart be… hurtin’ and shit, and you be… You can’t even listen to music. Shit remind you. Like “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.” “That reminds me of my lady. God. She got a nose just like Rudolph.” And you go out with other women when you’re in love… You go out with other women. It don’t mean shit. Right? You go out with other women. And you hear their voices and go… “What is this bitch talkin’ about? Why don’t she just shut the fuck up? She ain’t sayin’ shit.” ‘Cause it’s hard to reestablish yourself with other people… once you’ve been with a partner tor a long time. Right? Especially if you get a good woman that you really be in love with. Usually. It’s the man that fucks up. We fuck up. Right? Then we can’t find them motherfuckers no more. And when you can’t find her no more, it look like she get better. Every time you see her. She be beautiful… or with some other motherfucker that looked good. I be going, “I wanna kill everybody. Everybody in the world.” That’s how you end up in the penitentiary, jack. A lot of people in the penitentiary killed their old ladies and shit… and boyfriends and shit like that. Just flip out. “I don’t give a fuck. At least I don’t have to look at them anymore.” “Prison” I went to a penitentiary with Gene Wilder… I went to a penitentiary with Gene Wilder… I did a movie. Not me personally. I went to do a film in a penitentiary. I was up there six weeks. Arizona State Penitentiary. It was some… Oh. You’re applauding for that? Arizona State Penitentiary real popular? It was strange because What’s strange about that is that there are no black people in Arizona. I’m not lying. They bus motherfuckers in. I was up there, and I looked at all the brothers… and it made my heart ache. You know… seeing all these beautiful black men in the joint. Goddamn warriors should be out there helping the masses. I felt that way. I was real naive. Right? And the six weeks I was up there, I talked to the brothers. I talked to them. And thank God we got penitentiaries. I asked this one. “Why did you kill everybody in the house?” The guy said, “They was home.” I mean. Murderers. Do you hear me? Real. Live murderers. I thought black people killed people by accident. No. These motherfuckers was murderers. I met one brother. His name was J-Bone. Motherfucker could lift weights. He was in charge. Muscles every-motherfuckin’-where. He was doing a sentence… triple life. How in the fuck do you do triple life? I mean. That mean if he die and come back… he got to go to the penitentiary. Right? They’ll say, “Fuck kindergarten. Get your little ass back in the penitentiary. Motherfucker. You know what you did last time you was here.” And Gene Wilder loved to jump in the middle of the killers… and start talkin’. “Hi. Guys. How you doin’?” I said. “Gene. Bring your ass out of there.” “What do you think they’d do to us if we were here. Rich?” I’d say. “Fuck us.” And Gene would say. “I’m not homosexual.” “Homosexual ain’t got nothin’ to do with it. They don’t fuck you ’cause you like it. They just fuck you just to see that look on your face.” I met one dude… kidnap, murder tour times. I thought three times. That was your ass. Right? No. I said. “What happened?” “I can’t get the shit right. But I’m gettin’ paroled in two years. Brother Rich. I’m gonna fire it up. I got some contacts outside. You know what I mean?” I said, “Yeah, I know what you mean.” See. I wanna know when this motherfucker gettin’ out… who he gonna be with. And it I see him in my neighborhood. I’m just gonna shoot the motherfucker. ‘Cause I do not want to be kidnapped. Take no chance no motherfucker callin’ up my wife… talkin’ about sendin’ some money. ‘Cause that’s really my ass. “Well. Don’t fuck up the suit. That’s what we gonna bury him in.” I’m gonna take my chances. ’cause… Damn if I’m gonna be kidnapped, puttin’ my hands behind my back. They always like to make you put your hands behind your back and shit… and then fuck with you a little while. I say, “No. Motherfucker. Blow my face oft with the shotgun… while I got my hands on your nuts.” So there’ll be some evidence. Right? The police come in: “Open his hand. Well, this guy’s gonna be easy to find. He’s gonna show up to the hospital sooner or later.” They always put that shotgun on you. You ain’t got to do shit. That’s easy to say. But in real life we all know… a shotgun. Your hand will automatically jump behind your back. Even it you don’t want it to. Your hand will say. “Fuck you! It’s a shotgun. Asshole! Give me that rope. I’ll tie myself. Is this a good knot?” Everybody like to be brave in the real situation. Right? But we ain’t so brave sometimes, you know? Sometimes you be brave. Most of the time. We just ordinary… hope we don’t get in no situation where you have to be brave. That’s how the Nazis fucked over people. ‘Cause most people are basically decent. Them Nazis just run over motherfuckers. Black people always say. “I’d have told them Nazis…” You wouldn’t have told them Nazis shit. ‘Cause them motherfuckers didn’t play. You’d be out there talkin’ about… “Hey. Motherfucker! Mr. Nazi!” “What is this?” “Oh, nothin’, just. Uh… Just fuckin’ around. Jack. Like them boots you got on. Hom.” And in the penitentiary. They got all them racist groups. They got the white groups. They act like they’re in New York. They got the Nazi party and the… What do they call it? The Klu Klux Klan. The Mexicans got them gangs you can’t pronounce the names. And they don’t wear no shirts. The black people got the Mau Maus and the Muslims, Double Muslims. Them’s the ones you don’t fuck with… them Double Muslims. ‘Cause them motherfuckers can’t wait to get to Allah… and want to take eight or nine motherfuckers with them. I used to be a thief, and I wasn’t very good. I always got caught. I would steal from neighbors. I wouldn’t take no chances on gettin’ caught too far from home. I’d go over to the neighbors’ house. Wipe them motherfuckers out. I paid them all back now. I try to go back to Peoria. I’m ashamed of myself. “Miss Johnson. I’m sorry I bust in your house.” “I knew it was you, boy.” I don’t know why I would steal. My grandfather was in business. My family was in business. My grandmother owned. Like, three or tour brothels. My grandfather had a pool hall called “Pops Pool Room.” My uncle had a pool room. So there was money in the family. I was a lucky black child… ’cause I never went through no hard times. It was hard. If you wasn’t poor. You couldn’t get no pussy. They say, “We fuck just to keep our minds off eatin’.” I live in Hawaii in a place… I wanted to go to a place where there was no people. And I found the place. There’s 500 people live where I live. And they’re brown. I like that because you can sleep at night. ‘Cause you live around white people in the country, anything can happen. Not that I don’t trust white people. It’s just in the night. You know what I mean? Something happens to white people when you start drinkin’… and when you hear one of them motherfuckers go. “Yee-haw!” You know what I mean? It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up… ’cause I know what’s next. That “yee-haw” means get a rope and get a black motherfucker. “Why do they have the greatest kind of resistance against a rope? You can lasso a white guy. He won’t do nothin’. Black one. They kinda jerk away.” I like those guys: “You wanna sign this tor my sister?” “Hey. Buddy, you wanna kiss my girl? But not on the lips.” I say, “Okay.” Racism is a bitch. White people, you gotta know. It fucks you up. But what it does to black people is a bitch. It’s hard enough being a human being. It’s really fuckin’ hard enough just to be that. Just to go through everyday life without murdering a motherfucker. It’s hard enough just to walk through life decent. As a person. But here is another element added to it when you’re black. Them mothers got that little edge on us. It’s enough to make you crazy. ‘Cause it you’re in an argument with another man… he may be white, but it’s man on man for a minute… – and the shit get rough. He end up calling you “nigger.” You go, “Oh. Shit. Fuck. Now I ain’t no man no more. I’m nigger now. I got to argue with that shit… and. fuck. Throw my balance all off now.” It’s an ugly thing. I hope that someday they give it up. ‘Cause it don’t work. “Africa” It’s nice to have pride about your shit. I went home to the motherland. Everybody should go home. To Africa. Everybody, especially black people. Really, man, there is so much to see there… tor the eye and the heart of the black people. White people. You’ll go there and you’ll get ideas. “Well. That’s the way black people in America should be… walking around with sticks.” You’ll get the wrong idea. But, man… I was gonna find my roots. Right? Seven hundred million black people. Not one of them motherfuckers knew me. I looked in every phone book in Africa. I didn’t find one goddamn Pryor. I saw one familiar name: J-Bone Walker. I called that up. They say he’s in Arizona. But there’s nothin’ like goin’ and seein’ nothin’ but black. Black people. From the wino to the president. It’s black people. And it’s. Like, fair. You know what I mean? You go someplace. You’re on liberated land. I said, “These motherfuckers kick ass and got their country. And I’m on the land. It’s black people.” I mean. Black. Original black. You understand “black”? I mean. So many black people, it made me realize… somebody in my family had been lying to me. It’s nice. As you land at the airport. You look out the window… and see the black people and say. “Oh. Wow!” People are the same. The people in Africa fuck over your luggage… just like the people in New York. You know what’s funny? To walk down the street… and see white people looking tor each other. They’d be surrounded, and… Every black person I saw there seemed to remind me of someone from here. I’d walk down the street and go, “That motherfucker looked like Joe Frazier!” I’d say, “Goddamn!” He’d be the president of the bank. I’d go, “Goddamn! I wish Joe Frazier could see this motherfucker!” Or someone here. Like, is a wino… you see him over there. They be a diplomat. You go, “Willie the wino! Goddamn! Get down, Willie!” This was. I don’t know. Special to me, man. I went to the jungle, the real jungle. Not that shit Tarzan live in. Tarzan wouldn’t last a week in Africa. “Where’s Tarzan?” “You mean the crazy white man? He in the trees with cheetah.” “Where’s Jane?” “She whoring in Nairobi.” ‘Cause when you go out in the bush… you see animals… I mean, animals that are tree look different… than that shit we see in the zoo. You know them animals you fuck over at the zoo? You see the lion at the zoo. You be talkin’ about… You walk by. “Hey. Lion.” I like the monkeys in the zoo. ‘Cause they throw their shit on you. They’d be pickin’ and shit. They watch you, and one of ’em go… And then everybody laughs. “Oh, he’s so cute. Oh, aren’t the monkeys cute?” Why do people think bears are happy in the zoo? “Look at the bear. He’s so happy.” Motherfucker’s talkin’ about… “Let me out. Just give me a break. If I could get a hand on one of you motherfuckers. Oh. I’ll tear your ass up. I ain’t had no pussy in 12 years! Send me a motherfuckin’ panda. Bitch ain’t even got a pussy. They’re wonderin’ why we ain’t got no babies” But in the jungle, if you see a rabbit you get nervous. ‘Cause a rabbit be lookin’ at you… “Roll the window up. Dear.” “It’s just a rabbit.” “Fuck you. Ain’t no rabbit ever looked at me like that.” And you see a lion in the jungle, that’s what they look like… lions. Motherfucker be in the bush talkin’ about… “Yeah. Get your ass out of the car. And bring that camera with you. ‘Cause we gonna eat all that shit.” I saw three lionesses chase down. Like, a cape buffalo. That’s the baddest motherfucker on four legs… except for these bitches chasin’ it. And the lionesses. They work around in teams. Give signals You know they can’t talk. And the buffalo saw one of them, right? He tipped away from the rest of the herd. And them two others jumped on his ass. The other buffalo said… “The motherfucker didn’t warn us. Fuck him.” And you know how a buzzard circles in the movies? These motherfuckers drove up in a truck. Talkin’ about. “What it is?” Cheetah, man, is the weirdest thing to see go chase something… ’cause you don’t see nothin’ but dust. I saw two cheetahs. It looked like they were talkin’… about jumpin’ on some gazelle. “You want to go after that herd?” “Say, nah. Man, they’re too close. Shit. Why don’t we give ’em another 100 yards. How’s the wife and family. Man? You know. It’s gonna be tourist season soon. I got an arm last year. They’re about far enough. You ready?” The gazelles and shit hear them motherfuckers. They’d be eating and hear ’em and just start runnin’. They wouldn’t even look. “Run!” And the motherfucker that can’t hear is in trouble. “What?” “Cheetah!” “Huh?” “Cheetah!” “What?” “Cheetah!” “What’d you say?” “It’s your ass!” “I got ya.” I saw one of them gazelles make a move on a cheetah. It was embarrassing. The cheetah got pissed off too… ’cause he was ready to get the gazelle. And the gazelle said… And that motherfucker tell 400 yards trying to stop. And got up: “I’m gonna get you. Motherfucker. Make me look bad” We picked up a hitchhiker one day. An African man got in the car. And he had that odor. You know? This motherfucker had odor! He was in the car. You be drivin’. That odor was… And he’d lean over to point… And you’d be, you know… “Goddamn! I know my people. But goddamn!” And I looked in the rear view mirror. And this motherfucker was goin’… “Oh, shit! That motherfuckin’ cologne and shit they got on. Stinkin’ motherfuckers. Boy. I don’t know how I can take this shit.” He had his head out the window tryin’ to get air and shit. He’s goin’. “Goddamn!” He just ended up makin’ us stop. “Let me out of this motherfucker. I’ll walk. Fuck it. You motherfuckers stink. Kiss my ass.” One thing I got out of it was magic. I’d like to share it with you. I was leavin’, and I was sittin’ in the hotel… and a voice said to me. “Look around. What do you see?” And I said. “I see all colors of people doing everything.” And the voice said, “Do you see any niggers?” And I said. “No.” And it say. “You know why? ‘Cause there aren’t any.” And it hit me like a shot, man. I started cryin’ and shit. I was sittin’ there and said… “Yeah. I’ve been here three weeks. I haven’t even said it. I haven’t even thought it.” And it made me say. “Oh. My God. I’ve been wrong. I’ve been wrong. I’ve got to regroup my shit.” I said, “I ain’t gonna never call another black man a nigger.” You know. ’cause we never was no niggers. That’s a word that’s used to describe our own wretchedness. And we perpetuate it now, ’cause it’s dead. That word’s dead. We’re men and women. We come from the first people on the Earth. You know? The first people on the Earth were black people. ‘Cause anthropologists… white anthropologists… The white people go. “That could be true, you know.” Yeah. Dr. Leakey and them found people remains… five million years ago in Africa. You know them motherfuckers didn’t speak French. So black people, we the first people that had thought. We were the first ones to say. “Where the fuck am I? And how do you get to Detroit?” So you can take it for what it’s worth. I ain’t tryin’ to preach. I’m just talkin’ about my feelings about it. And I don’t want them hip white people calling me no nigger… or telling me nigger jokes. I don’t like it. I’m just fellin’ you it’s uncomfortable to me. I don’t like it when black people say it to me. I really don’t no more. It’s nothin’. It don’t mean nothin’. So I love you all, and you can take that with you. I guess you all say… “Mafia Club” I think the only brave thing I might have ever done in my life… was once I worked at a Mafia nightclub. Out in Youngstown. Ohio. I was 19. I was 19 years old. Right? And I didn’t know shit about the Mafia. My father was the baddest motherfucker I had ever seen. So the Mafia didn’t mean shit to me. I did not relate to the Mafia. I worked with this lady. Satin Doll. She was the star of the show. Beautiful black stripper. Right? ‘Cause usually in those days… in clubs they had a singer and a stripper and a M.C. I was the M.C., and she was the first black star I ever met. Duke Ellington had written a tune about her. That’s what she used to dance to and act. She was beautiful. She was 60 then. Oh. This bitch was fine though. Man. I’m not lyin’. Lena Horne didn’t have shit on her. And she was cryin’ backstage… “I gotta get to Buffalo. They won’t pay me.” I said, “Who won’t pay you?” “Club owners.” I said. “Oh, them motherfuckers are gonna pay me. Bet that.” This is how ignorant I was. I had a cap pistol. You know. Them blank starter pistols. I busted into the office with this motherfucker. Talkin’ about… “All right. Give me the money. Motherfucker!” Doing my best black shit. You know. You know. That shit usually scare whitey to death. And these motherfuckers didn’t do nothin’. I’m sure that those men… are sitting in that room today. Laughing. ‘Cause that’s what this dude… He just started to laugh. “This fuckin’ kid. Wait a minute. Hey. Tony. Come here. Rich. Do the gun again. Hey. Tony. Come here. Stickup! This fuckin’ kid! Come here. Come here, you fuckin’ kid. He’s got a pair of gagoozies on him, huh? Fuckin’ kid. Come here. Goddamn.” They like to hug you and rub you. “Come here.” And grab your face. “This fuckin’ kid’s got some gazoolas.” And they always say shit you don’t understand. “Hey. You wanna go… Hey. Paulo. Tix him a little… Put some struzi on it. Fry it up. They like fried foods. Fuckin’ kid, huh? He come in here. Had a gun, the fuckin’ kid. Huh? Pay everybody oft. Pay ’em off. It’s all right.” They paid everybody off, let everybody go and kept me. Like a pet. “I fuckin’ like this kid. You got family? Well. You got family now. Who is it, Carmine? Tell him I call him back. Tell him it’s a stickup.” Then these motherfuckers start tellin’ murder stories. “Hey. You remember when Oozie… Remember when I made my fuckin’ bones? Me, I had to go away. It was Cleveland, right? Fuckin’ teamster. Big mouth. Hurt a lot of people. Right? You know, ice pick’s my thing, Rich. So we fuckin’ had to drive down. Me, Johnny Salami… the Gaboozo brothers. They own a funeral parlor. ‘You carry. We bury.’ Come here, you fuckin’ kid. So we take this jerk-off out bowling, you know. Drive him around. Get him a few drinks. ‘Hey, let’s get some broads. Right? ‘ A little motel we had set up. You remember that, Johnny? So. We take him around. He gets kinda stoned. Drops his glass. I say, ‘Now.’ I pop him with the fuckin’ ice pick. Right? I’m poppin’ this cocksucker. Blood’s squirting every which way. He says, ‘Oh. God! Don’t kill me! ‘ ‘Oh. fuck you. You guinea cocksucker.’ And the fuckin’ ice pick breaks. I’m standin’ there with a fuckin’ piece of wood in my hand! I said, ‘Johnny Salami. What do I do? ‘ Johnny says, ‘Wait till it melts, asshole.’ Those were the good old days. What’s the matter. Rich? You don’t look so good. Hey, Paulo, give him a little… You got a way home. Or do you want us to give you a ride?” Don’t go out with the Mafia. ‘Cause you can’t buy ’em dinner. They always like to take entertainers to dinner. They take you to dinner, and they pick up the check all the time. And it you get mad, you say, “Let me buy the check tonight. Goddamn it. You guys buy me dinner every night.” “Hey, kid, let me tell you somethin’. We’re crime… and crime don’t pay.” The Mafia people are weird people, ’cause they appeal… They appeal to your intellect. They do. Them motherfuckers’ appeal says… “You’re an intelligent person. Aren’t you? And you realize that it’s very difficult… to walk without knees.” And one time I was in a room with one of these motherfuckers… and I don’t know how to describe… You ever seen a face just turn to stone? I mean. I was talkin’ to the man. And somebody was over here… talkin’ about something that had pissed him off… that he was gonna deal with… and it went from a nice conversation with me… A stone thing came over his face. It was like… And a chill went through my fuckin’ body. I said. “This motherfucker’s dead. I’m lookin’ at a dead man that walks around.” ‘Cause it was just stone, man. There wasn’t no compromise. There was nothin’ in there where you could go… There was none of that in the face. I said… “Boy, that’s a look I’d like to get, just to whip on a motherfucker.” You know. Just say. “What?” Remember that in The Godfather? That to me was the most chilling line in the world. When the guy said… “Hey. Could you let me off? Just tor old time’s sake?” And the guy said… Boy. That had to be the coldest shit in the world. And you gotta get in the car with him. Then you got to beg some more in the car. You ain’t gonna stop beggin’. As long as he’s got breath in his body. You get in the car. He’s talkin’ about, “Hey. Jack. I remember when I showed you how to drive.” Jack be goin’… “Mudbone” All Italian people are not in the Mafia. Whether you believe it or not. They’re not. Really. Most of them work for the Mafia. But they’re all not in the Mafia. What? – Do what? – Mudbone, Richie! All right, this is the last time Mudbone will be seen anywhere. This is Mudbone’s last show. Ladies and gentlemen, from Tupelo. Mississippi. Mudbone. You know… Now, I know that boy. See. He fucked up. See. That tire got on his ass… and it fucked him up upstairs. Fried up what little brains he had. ‘Cause I remember the motherfucker. He could make a motherfucker laugh… at a funeral on Sunday. Christmas day. But you know what happened? He got some money. That’s what happened. He got some money! Them missed meal cramps and shit was gone. He said. “Fuck it.” Went all the way crazy. Shit, now me? I’m still hungry. See. I’m gonna be out here four days and six months. I watched this boy, Rich. He used to come by. Leave me a dollar here. Fifty cents there. He was all right, you know. He would never lend me five. Though. But he let me have them two’s and tews. You know. So I felt tor the boy. I went over there and talked to him. And he ignorant. ’cause I sit down to talk to him… You don’t let him get none of that powder in his nose. That’s like tryin’ to talk to a baboon’s ass. I talked to the boy seven days and seven nights. He was still on the same subject. “Where can I get some more?” So I talked to him. You know. I said… “Boy, why don’t you do something with yourself? Since religion ain’t your thing… maybe you take up ballet.” It makes me laugh, thinkin’ about it. I told him, “Cause you gonna be black a long time. So you might as well enjoy yourself… ’cause there ain’t many black motherfuckers out there doin’ it.” He said, “Don’t stop now.” I said. “Don’t lighten up. Tighten up.” That’s what I told him. And he must have listened to me. He was gonna register to vote. I knew he was sick then. So. Listen. I’m not gonna steal the show from the boy. I ain’t gonna do that. So, I’m gonna… The boy got the camera. Only white folks can do that. And they make it look like such a mystery. They never let no black people do no shit like that. The only time you see black people doing some of that shit… is when they want the plug plugged in. “Say, boy. Plug that in.” That’s how you be sayin’. “I works on the camera crew.” I say. “What you do?” “Plug in the thing.” I say. “A monkey can do that.” Guess that’s why they hired him. See, I’ve lived through hard times before. People talk about these as hard times. Hard times was way back. They didn’t even have a year for it. Just called it “Hard Times.” It was dark all the time. I think the sun came out on Wednesday. And it you didn’t have your ass up early. You missed it. So I happened to be out there one Wednesday… and the sun hit me right in the face. I grabbed a bunch of it and rubbed it all over myself. Shit. I didn’t have nothin’ else. Might as well have some sun on my face. And as time went on. I remembered it was Thursday. I said. “Damn. That sun was a bitch. That’s why they didn’t want us to have none of it.” ‘Cause it’d cheer you up inside. You see. So I got all cheered up… and went out on a date. Lucinda Belle Mae. The girl was pretty. Coal black. Her skin was tender… like a baby’s butt. Her sweet breasts smelled like Carnation milk. That’s how tender she was. I liked her, too, you see. She had a little liking to me. So Lucinda… We’d have to tip away. We’d go up and do a little kissin’ up in the apple orchard. We’d tip away together on Wednesday mornin’… when the sun was up. We’d get up there. I’d make her put a little on her face… and she relaxed. When she relaxed. I started rubbin’ all over her. Women like when you rub on ’em… if you rub ’em in them right spots. You know. You got to rub ’em right there. Right on the inside of her leg by the kneecap. Rub ’em right there. And you rub it around until it starts burnin’. They open up then. Boy. ‘Cause there ain’t but two pieces of pussy you’re gonna get in your life. That’s your first and your last. And all that shit in between don’t count. That’s just the extra gravy. They say. “When’s the last time you got some pussy?” I say. “Yesterday. That’s as tar as I want to remember it.” I don’t want to sit around. Some motherfucker ask me… “How long you had some pussy?” I go… I don’t want to live that long. What I’m sayin’… What the point I’m tryin’ to make is… that there is no point to be made. That’s all that there is. There ain’t no point to it. ‘Cause you didn’t ask to come to this motherfucker… and you sure can’t choose how to leave. ‘Cause you don’t know when you’re gonna go. So don’t take this shit serious You better have some tun and plenty of it. ‘Cause when the shit old and you ask for a recharge, it’s too late. So all I can say is keep some sunshine on your face. “Freebase” I was up in Oakland with some old friends. I mean, motherfuckers I’ve known a long time. And I have changed as a person inside, right? There was an old dope dealer. Motherfucker used to… I used to follow him around for dope. And I always paid him. But it was always on credit or something… and the motherfucker acted like I was one of his pets. I started saying, “Wait, motherfucker. I paid tor the dope. I didn’t live at your house. I had my own apartment.” But he was acting like I was one of his bitches… and then. You know. He got real mad… ’cause I fired on his ass. I say, “No. Motherfucker, I wasn’t never like that.” I had my shirt oft and I was sitting on the couch… and suddenly he says something about… When you signify. Motherfucker gets vicious. “What about them burned-up rings around your neck, motherfucker?” And it hit me ’cause I had never thought of myself like that… ’cause I said. “Yeah, I’ve been burnt up.” It never had hit me like it hit him. I said, “Yeah, I been burnt the fuck up.” ‘Cause most people I meet. I act like I ain’t burned up… they do too. The motherfucker sneaks a peek. “A nice tattoo you have… all over your body.” I guess y’all say. “Fuck all that. How’d you burn up?” You say. “How’d you burn up in your own house. Motherfucker?” I know y’all heard all kind of stories about how I burned up basin’ this… and ether that. None of that shit got nothing to do with that. I’m gonna tell y’all the truth tonight. You got to promise not to tell nobody. – Can I trust ya? – Yeah! You’re some lyin’ motherfuckers. All my friends know this to be true ’cause everybody knows me. Usually before I go to bed. I have milk and cookies. And one night. I had some low-tat milk… and some pasteurized… and I mixed them together… and I dipped my cookie, and the shit blew up. I mean, the damnedest thing I’ve ever heard of in my life. Medical history was made. A lot of people say shit. I think about shit. Why do people think… All the people you ever heard of freebasin’… have you ever heard of anybody blowin’ up? Why me? Ten million motherfuckers freebase, I gotta blow up. I’m talking about… I started out smoking freebase. It was like… I started out one time. And I should’ve known something bad was going to happen… because I remember the first time I did freebase… I burnt my bed up. I was sitting on the bed, and somebody said… “Richard, the bed’s on tire!” I said. “What? The bed’s on fire?” It’s a weird disease. If any of you doin’ it… you ain’t gonna believe this, but if you’ve been doing it… longer than two weeks. You’re a junkie. Now I’m telling you so you’ll know it. I know you’ll tell yourself, “I ain’t no fuckin’ junkie.” You cannot stop if you wanted to. You’ll go home tonight and say. “Watch me.” You will not be able to. If you got the shit there, you will do it. I’m talking about, I started out smokin’… I would have a pipe and sit it down and walk eight feet away from it. Two days later. Jack. I would smoke. I’d go… One time. It looked like I had an appendage on my hand. It was the pipe. ‘Cause this pipe used to tell me when to go to bed. The pipe would say, “Time to get up. Time for some smoke. Rich. We’re not doing anything today. Fuck all your appointments. Me and you are just gonna hang out in this room together.” I’d get mad and frustrated. People didn’t understand me. The pipe’d say. “Come in the room with me. I got you covered. I know how you feel. Rich. Light me up. Hold me tor a couple of days. And we’ll talk it over.” I’m talking about a year later, jack. I’m talking about… I’m drawn up. fucked up and out of my mind… but I’m not hooked. People are trying to help me. I say… “You’re just meddling in my motherfucking business! You just think because I’m having a good… Leave me the fuck alone!” And I’m smokin’ my shit… ’cause my pipe would say, “I understand. They don’t know. It’s your life. They don’t have a right to fuck with you. Where were they when you needed them? Come in here with me. ’cause I love ya.” And then the pipe starts saying shit like… “You let me get a little low yesterday. I don’t like that. Don’t let me get low again. Or I’m gonna hurt ya. You promise, keep me full at all times. Okay? Come on, Rich. You can do it. ‘Cause I understand.” And finally. Dope dealers… I did it so bad, dope dealers tried not to sell me none. That’s doing it, for a dope dealer to say… “I ain’t gonna give you no more. I can’t see you do it to yourself.” Dope dealers don’t give a fuck about nothing usually. These motherfuckers refused to sell me cocaine. Said. “No. Motherfucker! You’re killing yourself!” What? “I don’t want to see you fuck yourself up.” I ain’t never heard of dope dealers doin’ that. I mean. You could sooner get free food in a Chinese restaurant. But these motherfuckers love me. Man. They say. “No, man. Can’t you just snort again?” And I’d lie and say, “Okay. I’m gonna snort. Just give me enough tor the weekend. I’m gonna snort it.” “How much you want?” “A kilo.” I don’t know I’m a junkie. I weigh about 103. I looked like… Ain’t been out of my room in eight weeks. Funk is my shadow. Funk be just hanging all over me, talkin’ about… “Hey. Don’t wash.” Then finally. My old lady called Jim Brown up. – She said. “Jim gonna come over.” – “Fuck Jim Brown! I’ll show Jim Brown. I don’t give a fuck. Nobody afraid of Jim Brown here.” Jim was coming in the driveway. I got all nervous. “Who is it?” “Jim Brown.” “Oh. Shit! This motherfucker ain’t gonna scare me. Let me get my pipe.” Pipe said. “Come on. Me and you will show Jim. Don’t worry. Shit, Jim don’t scare nobody.” Jim come in the room. I started smokin’. “How’re you doin’. Bro?” Jim had psychology. Jim’d go… “You wanna go roller-skatin’?” “Pipe.” “Maybe you wanna go tor a ride.” Jim say. “What you gonna do?” “What do you mean?” “What you gonna do about that shit?” “What? I’m doin’ what I wanna do.” “I ain’t afraid of you, you know. You ain’t no movie star to me. I ain’t scared of you. Motherfucker. I’m your friend. What you gonna do? You gonna get well, or you gonna end our friendship? What you gonna do?” The pipe said. “Don’t listen. He tryin’ to fuck with you, Rich.” “Jim, I am a man.” “There ain’t no doubt about that… but what you gonna do?” And Jim kept saying that all through the hall. “What you gonna do?” “Leave me the fuck alone! That’s what I’m going to do… I’m getting the fuck away from you… so I don’t have to hear ‘What you gonna do? ‘ ‘Cause I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do. Leave me the fuck alone!” So Jim almost got me to the hospital… but he had to go somewhere. Like to home to eat. And I was in the room with the pipe. And the pipe said… “Hey. Rich… Jim’s gone.” And it don’t matter how many times you break them motherfuckers… you go out and buy a new one. This is an addiction. It’s a monster. It’s pitiful. ‘Cause I ended up on the floor looking for shit. “Well, let me smoke this.” It’d be a piece of log. Anything. I’d say, “I wonder how my sleeve would taste.” I’ll tell you one thing. Man. When that tire hits your ass… that will sober your ass up quick. I mean. I was standing there on fire. And something said… “Why. That’s a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like fire!” I’m talking about, tire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics… ’cause I did the 100-yard dash in 4.3. “Hospital” You know something I found out? When you’re on fire and running down the street… people will get out of your way. Except for one old drunk. He’s going. “Can I get a light? How about it? Just a little oft the sleeve. Okay?” You can tell you fucked up when you get to the hospital and the doctor go… “Holy shit! Why don’t we get some cole slaw and serve this up?” I was laying in the hospital with tubes and shit up my nose… an I.V. In my arm… and a brother come in wanting an autograph. I mean. Steam and shit was still comin’ off me. Brother come in. “Hey, Rich. Hey. Hom. Can I get this autograph? Come on. Let me have this last autograph.” And Jim was in the hospital every day when I was getting well. He’d be there every day. Fire don’t mean shit to Jim. Fire jumped on Jim once. He said, “Hey!” Jim would be there giving me strength. I say. “Jim ain’t never been hurt. So I can’t show no pain. I gotta show my strength. Try to get well.” I was doing real well. ‘Cause nature is wonderful. When you burn up. Your skin goes to sleep… ’cause nature says, “I can’t deal with it”… and just goes to sleep. You don’t feel shit for about three days, till your nerves wake up. I didn’t know that. I figured. “I ain’t feelin’ nothin’. Everything’s fine.” And at the hospital, doctors and shit, they’re really great. But there was a brother who worked as a nurse… They’re unique people work with burnt people… ’cause I don’t know it I could work with no motherfucker burnt up. You know what I mean? Put some butter on him and say. “That’s it.” Go for what you know. Homes. But these motherfuckers… This Larry Murphy used to come in. “We’re gonna wash you down. And you’re gonna feel great. We’re gonna wash ya.” He kept saying it. “We’re gonna put you in the tub and wash you.” “You’re gonna wash me. When are you gonna wash me?” “We’re gonna wash you in a couple of days. We’re gonna get you better.” “Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah. Wash me, will you please?” I should’ve known something was wrong… ’cause this motherfucker come every day with this. “Don’t worry. We’re gonna put you in the tub… and it’s gonna be all right.” I said, “I’m not worried. Motherfucker. Put my ass in the tub. You know. Wash me. Shit.” “Come on. Don’t worry.” Third day. “Are you all right? Today we’re gonna put you in…” “Yeah. Larry. You’re gonna wash my ass in the tub. Okay? Goddamn.” Then they take you in the room and get you in the tub… with solutions. And you sit in the tub and say… “Yeah. Motherfucker. Tub. Right. Gonna wash. I know.” – They say, “Feel this? It’s a sponge.” – I say. “It’s a sponge, motherfucker. So? Wash my ass.” “All right. Put your arms up. ’cause…” “Wash me, motherfucker.” “Now it’s time to wash you. Ready?” I said. “Yeah.” Motherfucker said… “Don’t. Don’t wash me no more. Not even my little finger. No! No, you will not. Don’t you wash a motherfuckin’ thing. I don’t want you to touch my finger. I don’t want you to do a goddamn thing to me. Don’t wash me no motherfuckin’ more. And if you do, I’ll bite you. You motherfucker. Don’t you wash me anymore. I don’t care if I die. Don’t you wash me no more.” But they were wonderful. Man. Pain sure stops racism quick. Wasn’t no color in there except burnt-up motherfuckers. And we all got religious. You find God quick when they find your ass dead. I was watching TV one night, and they said I had died. I was bandaged up, and they said… “Richard Pryor died five minutes ago.” But I thank God every day. Jack. I do. I say, “God. Thank you for not burning my dick.” ‘Cause most people said. “You’ve been punished by God.” I say, “No. If God wanted to punish my ass… He’d have burnt my dick.” Now. That’s some punishment… ’cause when that tire hit my ass. My dick went to work. He said, “Emergency! Piss. Come! Do something! Keep the fire off the balls!” And my chest was hollering. “Help!” The dick said… “Fuck you! Go tor yourself! I’m protecting the balls! Spit!” You got a light? A match? Can I have a match? Thank you. Don’t do it! Watch out. Listen. Y’all… have been wonderful to come and share this with us… and I thank everyone connected with… It’s been a pleasure tor me to do this and get up here… and I thank you very much. I want to say y’all gave me a lot of love when I was not feeling well… and I appreciate it. Also, y’all did some… Yeah. Applaud yourself. Also. Y’all did some nasty-ass jokes on my ass too. Yeah. Y’all didn’t think I saw some of these motherfuckers. Since you love me so much. I remember this one. What’s that? Richard Pryor running down the street.

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Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1979) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-live-concert-1979-full-transcript/

Filmed in Long Beach, California on December 10, 1978 [Distant traffic sounds] [Distant car motor] [Squeaking brakes] [Car door open] [Car door slam] [Car door open] [Car door slam] [Crowd murmur & distant cheers] [Door slam] [Cheering and applause] Richard Pryor: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, thank you. Thank you much. Good evening. Waiting for the people to get from the bathroom. People are in there pissing, wait, the shit done started. Damn. What’s happening, blood. Right on. Jesus Christ, look at the white people rushing back. White people don’t care, jack, just come out anyways. Say fuck it, we’re going, I don’t give a shit. You n*ggers taking a chance being in Long Beach, though, jack. I saw the police had some brother jacked up when we was coming in here, the n*gger’s hands way up here, talking about, huh, what. And they’re searching and shit. Bet they take him away to jail. Going to jail in long beach is a mother fucker, though. Where you at? I’m in Long Beach. Shit, we ain’t coming’ down there to get your ass out. White people, this is the fun part for me, when the white people come back after intermission and find out n*ggers have stole their seats. White people say, uh, weren’t we sitting here, dear. Weren’t we, uh, I believe we, uh, we were sitting here, uh, weren’t we? Yes, we were sitting right there, yes. Well, you ain’t sitting here now, mother fucker. You ever notice how nice white people get when there’s a bunch of n*ggers around. Right, they get outside they talk to everybody, right. They say hi, how you doing! I don’t know you, but here’s my wife, hello! What you taking my picture for? Who are you gonna show it to? They say, I got a picture of Richard Pryor. Who gives a fuck. Sit your ass down! Mother fucker, sit down. You know you ain’t got no film in the camera. You’re just bull shitting, just flashing, ain’t nothing but flashes. Sit your ugly ass down. Man: Thank you. Pryor: Thank you. And right to your seat, “exit.” No, it’s funny, though, man, white people be funny. And you ever notice like you’ll be the only n*gger someplace and you go with white people, they be funky. Right, they be, they be now, you want to move out of the way, fella, excuse me, thank you very much. Taking up all the fucking area, Jesus Christ. And n*ggers gorilla they way in a place, man. We saw about eight dead white people when we was coming in, still had tickets in their hand. N*ggers are just running over them getting in here. Move out the way, mother fucker, shit. You ain’t seen a n*gger in three years, what the fuck you talking about. Sure, go ahead, sure, cut in, sure, it’s okay. What do you want, trouble? There’s a whole bunch of them. They could be cousins or anything. Some white dudes you cut in front of don’t play that shit, though, right. You cut in front of them, all right, cut the shit. Just cut the fucking crap, all of you. I love when white dudes get mad and cuss, right, cause you all are some funny mother fuckers when you cuss, right. They’ll be saying shit like, yeah, come on, peckerhead. Come on, you fucking jerk off, come on. Son of a bitch, come on. Yeah, you fucking-a-right, buddy. N*gger’s will be talking about buddy this. Yeah. You want to buddy something, buddy up on this here. Black men will grab them dicks, jack. I don’t care, n*ggers will be walking down the street, they’re gonna hold their dick, jack. What’s happen, bro, ain’t nothing to it, shit. You know how it is, I’m just hanging on. Even Andrew Young, he grab his dick, right. He be talking to the president of the United States, Andrew Young, uh, Mr. President, now, we got to talk some serious shit now, really. Excuse me, Mrs. Can’ter. Oh, that’s all right. Bigger than a peanut. Patty and I want to say we’re really happy that you come out to see us tonight. We mean that from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you. Patty be singing her ass off, too, don’t she? I mean, patty gets some shit down in there, waaaaa, shit go all through me, man. I’ll be saying sing it, you mother fuckers, yeah. And the band’s a bitch, too, man, that band is a mother fucker she got, really. That white boy on the horn be playing his ass off, right, he don’t even bend or nothing. You know, when most people play the horn, they got to bend or something to get that shit out of there, right. This guy be [gesturing]. And don’t miss shit, right. He be, don’t worry, n*ggers, I’m with you, go ahead. And I am really personally happy to see anybody come out and see me, right, Especially as much as I done fucked up this year. I don’t want to never see no more police in my life, at my house, taking my ass to jail, for killing my car. And it seemed fair to kill my car to me, right, cause my wife was gonna leave my ass. You know, I said not in this mother fucker, you ain’t. Un-un, no, un-un, if you leave, you be driving them Hush Puppies you got on. Cause I’m gonna kill this mother fucker here. And I had one of them big old Magnums, you know all that noise they make when you shoot something. I shot at the car, it said whooom. The tires said aaahhhhh. It got good to me, I shot another one. Boom, aaahhhhh. And that vodka I was drinking said, go ahead, shoot something else. I shot the motor, the motor fell out the mother fucker, right. The motor say, fuck it. And then the police came, I went in the house. Because they got Magnums, too. And they don’t kill cars, they kill nig-gers. Police got a choke hold they use out here, though, man, they choke n*ggers to death. I mean, you be dead when they through, right, did you know that? Audience: Yeah. Richard Pryor: The n*gger’s are going, yeah, we know. The whites are going, no, I had no idea. Yeah, two grab your legs, one grab your head, and snap. Oh, shit, he broke. Can you break a n*gger, is it okay? Let’s check the manual. Yup, page 8, you can break a n*gger, right there, see. Let’s drag him downtown, okay. And they got them dogs they sic on your ass, right, them German Shepherds and shit. Nasty mother fuckers, right. Some places they got them Dobermans, Doberman Pinschers. Them some bad mother fuckers. They fast, too. They catch the average white boy. By the time they catch a n*gger, though, they too tired to do anything but maybe get petted or some shit like that. You trying to run him over. Sit your ass right there, now. I’m gonna get on you. All right. I saw them let one loose on a young brother about 16 in a alley. The police jumped out of the car and sicced the Doberman loose on him, the brother was low running. I mean, he was down in here. And the dog was on his ass, [sound effect]. And it must have got good to the brother, cause he shifted into overdrive on the dog. Yeah, the brother had a cap on, it just went [gesturing]. And it looked like to me like the dog said, shit, mother fuck that n*gger, man. Shit, he won’t kill me out here, shit. Give me a biscuit here. Them dogs are something else. I got two dogs, I got two Malamutes that I trained to fight the police dogs. I did. I said, if you see any dog jump on me, you all better do something. Cause if you don’t, you know what happened to that car on New Year. We got you, Rich, we got you, we got you. Don’t worry. And they won’t bite shit, right. I mean, they very intelligent dogs, though, right. I mean, they be reading dog food cans and shit. They do. Alpo, no meat byproducts, no soybeans. Yeah, Rich, this will be good, fix that up for us, please. Could we have a little wine with that, perhaps. And a burglar come in the house, say don’t fuck with the dinner plates. You can have all this shit up here. So I got a, a Doberman, right. One of them bad mother fuckers, right. Somebody stole him. That’s how bad he was. And I got him from a dog home, you know, you can get dogs from the dog home, save them from killing them, you know. I got him from the dog home, and somebody had abused him real bad, cause every time I called him, he’d freak out. I’d say, hey, champ. What, shit, Jesus Christ, what are you doing to me, don’t do that shit, I’m telling you, you’re fucking with my head, man. It’s a real bummer, Rich, it’s, god, please. They’re like that, Dobermans are like that. When they’re puppies they’re real scared, man. You look at them, they’re [whimpering]. But when they get older, they don’t even like for you to stare at them, right. Most dogs you can stare down, you look at a dog too long they go [whimpering]. You stare at a Doberman, Doberman be [growling] I don’t play that shit. And then they show you their teeth, right, [growling], this look like I’m smiling, mother fucker. I’m about to get in your ass. And they make real good watch dogs, right, but the only problem is they let burglars come in your house. They do. They burglar, yeah, come on in, come on, yeah, come on in the bedroom, let me show you where the money is, yeah, come on in. Get all that, yeah, come on in the kitchen, get silver, hurry up, come on, yeah, come on. And they wait for the burglar to hit the door, that’s when they turn into the exorcist, right. The burglar go, they go, you can’t leave. I want to play. And that’s how you find the burglar when you get home, right. He’ll be talking about, help me. Please help me. The mother fuckers sound like the fly, help me. The dog is going to bite my asshole out, help me. Pets is something else, jack. I got pets, I love my little pets. I got monkeys and shit. My monkeys died, though. Yeah. I had two squirrel monkeys. You ever seen them squirrel monkeys? They got them hands, they freak a dog out. They do. They get on a dog and them fingers touch a dog, the dog go [barking]. I had one named friend. I named him friend cause the first time I opened the cage, he ran up my arm and stuck his dick right in my ear. He did [monkey sound effect]. Yeah, it felt like a wet Q-tip [monkey sound effects]. He pissed all on my cheek. I had to throw him up at the ceiling [monkey sound effects]. He’d do that to anyone. I’d invite over people, you know, just to fuck with them, you know. I’d say, go on, open the cage up, you know. Up they arm, [monkey sound effects]. I remember one time this guy from Warner Brothers was coming over, he was gonna do a film with me. And he came over and he opened the cage and I said, don’t open the cage! The monkey [monkey sound effects]. Well, you won’t be doing any films at Warner Brothers, that’s for goddamn sure. Want to get this monkey’s dick out of my ear, Rich. Jesus Christ. Come on, dear, We’ll put something over my head there. We’ll just say it’s a hump, let’s go. So I got him a woman, you know, cause he was fucked up… I got him a woman, called her “sister,” right. He did the same to her, run right in the cage [monkey sound effects]. And she said, freeze. First thing, I gotta show you where the pussy is. And he got him some monkey pussy and freaked. He just went out of his mind, man. Man, at night he’d be up and unlocking the cage and shit. And then they’d run away and stay two and three days, right. And you could hear him in the tree [monkey sound effects], sometimes far away [distant monkey sound effects]. Sometimes up front [monkey sound effects]. Finally about the third day he came in and he was fucked up, right, [monkey sound effects… winding down] And I left him with some friends, I had to go out of town, I left him with some friends to watch him. And he had like a little gas heater on the floor, and they turned it on, and they didn’t have no matches, and they died. It killed them. I was hurt, too, man. I was, cause I came home and found my monkeys was dead. I said shit. Cause I loved my monkeys so much. I was in the back yard, I was crying. And there was a dog that used to live next door to us, a German Shepherd, right, big, ugly, mean German Shepherd. He would bite anything. And he jumped the fence and came over there, and I felt something moving my hand like that and it was him, I was gonna pet him. He looked at me and he said, what’s the matter, Rich. I said, my monkeys died. He said, what? Your monkeys died? Ain’t that a bitch. You mean the two monkeys used to be in the trees, they died? I said, yeah, they died. He said, shit. I was gonna eat them, too. He said, don’t linger on that shit too long, you know, it fuck with you. I said, I’ll try. Yeah, you take care. Then he went back and jumped over the fence. And just before he jumped, he looked back at me, he said, now, you know I’m gonna be chasing you again tomorrow. Yeah. See, I love pets. I do, I got like a miniature horse, you ever seen them, a miniature horse about this big. Full grown, that’s as big as they’re ever gonna get. Yes, ma’am, I’m not lying, named Ginger. A friend of mine, Burt Sugarman, gave me this horse. He helped me produce my TV shows. He gave me this horse instead of money. And the horse is nice but it don’t do nothing. Horses don’t do nothing when they’re that little but eat and shit. And horses shit while they walk. They do, they be blop, blop, blop, blop. And steam be coming off of horse shit, jack. Horses got some terrible… flies don’t even fuck with horse shit. Fly be talking about [sound effect]. And the first time that my dogs saw the horse, they thought it was another dog, right, cause animals don’t have no racism, they thought it was another dog. They said, look, there’s another dog with a long tail, let’s go say hello. And my cousin denise, she had a great dane staying with us, they said, yeah, come on, let’s go over, yeah, and they ran over. Then that horse smell hit their ass, right. They said, hey, this ain’t no goddamn dog. And the great dane said, I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna fuck it. He come back and said, well, you can fuck it. And my two Malamutes said well, let’s see the bitch, let’s see the bitch. I had to beat them off with a cue stick, I said get the fuck off the door, goddamnit, leave the horse alone. Move, mother, get back. They got even with me, too, the dogs did. Cause one time I was walking with them in the front yard and I heard one say to the other one, let’s fuck him. You know, and you know how you be playing with your dogs, and say, hey, get down. Say, what the fuck is he doing, get out of there, get your… Hey, man, what… help! And dogs, when you make dogs stop fucking, they go fuck air or anything, right. You say, get down, goddamnit. Do you remember when the animals used to get hooked up when you was little, that was some funny shit to me, jack. Cause they be in the middle of the street, didn’t know which way to go, right. Well, make up your mind, shit, there’s a car coming. I always thought women should have that kind of pussy for rapists. You know, the kind that just lock up. Right, cause that’s some vile shit to take somebody’s humanity like that anyway, right. At least the pussy ought to be able to lock up, right, and say, [sound effect]. Okay, let’s go, come on. Don’t make a move or I’ll tighten up. Just get going, come on. Oh, shit. Had a little pain in my heart there, I thought I was having another heart attack. I said, what. You get scared after you have a heart attack, though. All the time, any time you feel a little pain you go, huh. Anyone here ever had a heart attack? Them mother fucker’s hurt. I’m not bull shitting, man. I was walking in the front yard, I was just walking along and someone said, don’t breathe. I was saying, huh? Said you heard me, mother fucker, I said don’t breathe. Okay, I won’t breathe, I won’t breathe, then shut the fuck up then. Okay. I’ll shut up. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me. Get on one knee and prove it. I’m on one knee, I’m on one knee. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me. Thinking about dying now, ain’t you? Yeah, I’m thinking about dying, I’m thinking about dying. You didn’t think about it when you was eating all that pork. Oh, no, you know black people got high blood pressure anyway, Yeah, I know it, I know it. Then [inaudible] Watch your diet. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me. You be thinking about shit like that when you think you’re gonna die. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me. You put an emergency call into God, too, right. Can I speak to God right away, please! There’s always some angel talking about, I’ll have to put you on hold. And then your heart get mad after it find out you was going behind its back to talk to God. Your heart say, was you trying to talk to God behind my back? You is a lying mother fucker [inaudible]. I woke up in an ambulance, right. And there wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, ain’t this a bitch. I died and wound up in the wrong mother fucking heaven. Now I got to listen to Lawrence Welk the rest of my days. But them paramedics can save your ass, you know, they really are something, man. They… they are, man. You have to give them a lot of credit, they’re good. They say civilian people, we can save people, you know. Give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I don’t know. You know what I mean, cause if I’m walking down the street and I see some mother fucker laid all out and slobber and shit hanging out of his mouth, he ain’t gonna make it. You know what I mean? I’m gonna say, say bro, I don’t think you’re gonna make it, unless you can get somebody to wipe that shit off your mouth. Right, cause you could be giving somebody mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and they die, and death ease down your lungs. Death don’t give a fuck where it goes. And if they can get two for one, that’s a good day for Death. And if you ever have to go to the hospital, which I hope you never do, carry your own piss with you, cause that’s what they want. Soon as you get in the hospital they want some blood, and some piss. You always have the blood, but you never have the piss. And they get mad at you. You’re not gonna leave here till you piss in that bottle. And you never can piss. You ever tried it? Can you turn on some water, please. And if you do start, you need eight or nine bottles, right, nurse! Hurry up, I’m not gonna make it! And they be so nonchalant with your piss, right. They’ll be talking about, this your piss, thank you. I could never grab nobody’s piss like that, jack. I’d have to have some prongs and shit before I grab some piss. I’d be going, all right, I’m going in to get the piss now. All right, I have the piss, clear the hallway, I’m coming through. Everybody, back off, please. And then they hook your ass up to that machine, you know, where you look like Frankenstein. You get to watch your life beep away. Right, you be beep, beep. You be watching, too, jack, cause if you see beeeeeeeeeep, that’s your ass. Right, I woke up one morning, I saw beeeep, I said, ahhhhh! Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeeeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeep. Cause the hospital ain’t no place to get well. That’s the truth, that ain’t no joke. You can die in there and nobody give a fuck, unless you John Wayne or somebody. See, John Wayne can kick death’s ass. Didn’t he? I mean, the dude, he had cancer one time, kicked death’s ass. Open heart surgery, John Wayne kicked death’s ass. John Wayne just say, get the fuck out of here, Death. [Inaudible]. See, they filming some shit I wanted to tell you all. I mean, like you didn’t know. You all ain’t gonna get paid shit, either. So don’t be asking me for a mother fucking thing when the show is over. Don’t be saying, hey, n*gger, where is my money for the movie. No, I guess this is gonna be in the theater or something. I don’t know. That’s what they got all this shit. Audience member: [inaudible]. Richard Pryor: What? I can’t hear you, can you all get a spokesman. Wait a minute. What did you say, I couldn’t hear you, babe. Audience member: [inaudible]. Richard Pryor: Wait, mother fucker, I was talking to her. What? Audience member: Preach, n*gger, preach. Richard Pryor: Oh, thank you, dear, thank you, thank you, thank you. That’s black stuff. Cause the white people were looking confused, what… what does that mean, Warren, preach, n*gger, preach. What is that, actually? Thinking about death, though, I’d like to die like my father died, right. My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died, right, and the woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time. And the… and the woman that he was making love too, right, couldn’t give away no pussy for two years, cause people were going, un-un, no, no, mmm, uh, no baby, uh, no. You done killed one mother fucker with it, that’s all right. No, that’s some pussy you can keep right there, mmm. And I saw the lady recently, and she’s still a little fucked up about it, you know. She came and said, I’m sorry I killed your father. I said, miss, what are you talking about. I said, shit, people get killed in plane wrecks and run over by buses and shit. He died in your pussy. That’s called recycling. You know, I just figure God must have loved my father an awful lot to let him go out like that, right. Cause if I had a choice, now, men, you know the truth when I tell you if you had a choice between dying in some pussy or getting hit by a bus, which line would you be in? I know which line I’m gonna be in. I’m gonna be in that long mother fucker, jack. The funeral was something else, too, Because black funerals are different than white funerals, right. You know, white people have funerals, you don’t give it up at the funeral. You do, I mean, you love your dearly departed as much as we do, but at the funeral you don’t really [wimpering, sighing]. And then sometimes they faint, [sigh]. And see, black people let it hang out at the funeral. They don’t care, they’re [screaming]!! Lord have mercy, Jesus, help me, Lord, [inaudible] Take me God, take me, take me, take me! Right. And then they fall all on your ass. You say, goddamn, baby, get your big ass off of me! Say why in the fuck you gonna kill me cause that n*gger dead? Get off. My grandmother could do that shit real good, help me Jesus, Lord have mercy help me, help me, help me take me, take me. That’s how she made me stop snorting cocaine. She did, she pulled that shit on me. It worked, too, jack. I had the nerve to pull out some cocaine at the dining room table, and she had never seen me do any, right. And she looked at me a long time, and she said, boy, what’s that you’re putting up your nose. I said, cocaine, mamma. Jesus, God, take me now, Lord, take me now, God, save my life, take me, take me, take me, take me, God, [inaudible]. I said, mamma, don’t do that shit. Look, I’m throwing the shit out, mamma, look, look, $1600 worth of shit down the drain, mamma. She found out how much it cost she said you dumb mother fucker! You could have sold some of that shit back to the man you got it from! I told you that shit would make you ignorant. Goddamn your soul. My grandmother is the lady that used to disciple me, right. You know, beat my ass. Anyone here remember them switches? Audience: Yeah. Richard Pryor: Right, you used to have to get off the trees… yourself… and take them leaves like that. I see them trees today, I will kill one of them mother fuckers. I will stop the car and say, wait, hold it, yeah, listen, yeah, mm-hmm, you ain’t never gonna grow up. You won’t be beating nobody’s ass. Right, cause that’s some… do I have a tumor or did it get dark in here? Cause there’s some hell of a psychology, right, to make you go get a switch to beat your own ass with, right. My grandmother said, boy, go get me something to beat your ass with. And that would be the longest walk in the world, right. You be talking about [gesturing]. And you be thinking all kind of shit, right, cause you know you done fucked up, jack. Like maybe it’ll snow before I get there or something. Maybe she’ll have a heart attack and won’t be able to whoop me. I don’t want to get no whooping cause it’s gonna tear it up, I know it. And you know you couldn’t come back with no little switch, right. Cause if you did, she’d go out and get the tree and beat your ass with it, right. You’d be, please, I don’t want to get a whooping. And you get them switches and then you start cutting wind on the way home, right. You go [swooshing]. Make you start crying before you get in the house [swooshing]. Mamma! [Swooshing]. Mamma, I’m sorry [inaudible]! Mamma please, mamma please, mamma please, [inaudible]! And my grandmother would get mad and beat your ass with anything, right. You know, old douche bag cord, anything. Anyone here remember them old douche bags they used to have? Them big red boys? Used to hang in the bathroom, hold eight gallons of water. My grandmother used to call it a hot water bottle. Right. It be hanging in the bathroom on a coat hanger, smell like vinegar. My grandmother would snatch the cord out of one of them boys and tear your ass up with it, right. And I’d always try to get out of ass whooping, right, by going to sleep early. You know, get in bed and just go to sleep, pass up supper and shit. No good. My grandmother would wake my ass up, you know, get your ass out… put your hand… put your… don’t you run from me, don’t you run-from-me. As long as-you black, don’t-you-run-from-me. And there was always one thing to remember when you was getting your ass whooped, right, that was not to say shit. Right. I mean, you could yell and scream all you want, but don’t say no shit like, I won’t do it no more. Cause that just add extra licks, right. Say, oh, I know-you ain’t- gonna do it-no more, cause-you shouldn’t have-done it – the first time when I told you-not to do it. And you would wake up in the morning and look like a welt. You’d be good for eight months, though, jack. [Inaudible]. And then she’d fix you up, come here, baby. Now, see, you shouldn’t do that, goddamnit. I told you not to. Just sit still now. And the next time you do it, I’m gonna tear your ass up again. But I would much rather like my grandmother to discipline me than my father, right, cause my father just go out. I mean, he might say any kind of shit, you know, like go stand in the middle of the street while I start the car. You heard me, get your ass in the middle of the street. My father was scary, boy. I’d piss on myself sometimes he call my name… Richard! Huh! And I had a fight with my father one time, you know. It wasn’t exactly a fight, but I did the best I could. I just got tired of them ass whoopings, right. I said, this is it. I’m not taking no more ass whooping, This is it. And he looked at me and he said, what, you a man now, mother fucker. Yeah. And he hit me in the chest, hard. [Sound effect]. He hit me so hard my chest just caved in and wrapped around his fist. And I held on to it with my chest. I would not let it go so he could hit my ass again. And everywhere he moved his arm, I was hanging on like this. And my Father was an honest person. I mean, he’d say anything that was on his mind. Like he… he was a brutally honest man. Cause I remember when my stepmother died, we were going to the funeral, and everybody was crying and shit. And I said, pop, it’s gonna be all right, pop, It’s gonna be all right. You know, and it was about 14 below zero. And he was in the back seat, and I said, it’s okay, it’s okay. He said, yeah, if it gets any colder, we’re gonna have to bury the bitch by ourself. Now, that’s my Father, you know I wouldn’t lie on him, right. Cause he got to the graveyard and he was telling the preacher the dirt, get to the part with the dirt, shit, it’s cold. Yeah, baby, I love you, but shit, it’s cold out here, goddamn. Right, and then you go home and eat everything, like all the neighbors and shit would bring food over. And everybody would eat something, you know. Like Miss Irene is a lady that helped raise me, she brought over some dressing with almonds in it and stuff, it was great. We had fun till somebody found some legs on one of the almonds. Right, the fella was eating it, Say! There’s some legs on my almond. I said, well don’t tell me about the shit, I didn’t have no roaches, mother fucker, you’re the one got the roaches. I don’t want to see the shit, no, get the fuck out of my face. My Grandmother said, now, don’t say nothing to her. Said, she old and blind, she can’t see no more, so she probably left the oven open and they crawled in there last night. But Richard, you had roaches just like everybody else. And they’s good, too, wasn’t they, honey? My Father taught me about like the great outdoors. You know, he loved like the woods and shit… and nature. Something… cause I still dig it today, you know. I used to love to go, like my Father would take me fishing and hunting. I liked to go hunting with him, but I hated being the dog. No, cause my Father didn’t have no patience, you know what I mean, he just lose his temper. Goddamnit, chase the rabbit this way! Well, what the fuck you chasing the rabbit back that way! Get your ass in the car, shit! We ain’t gonna never eat! Get your ass in the car, you don’t know how to chase no goddamn rabbit. But there was something about nature, man, and he taught me to be in the woods and just the sounds you would hear would be so different. You ever notice [whispering] how quiet you get when you go in the woods. It’s almost like you know the gods are there, right, you be quiet. (crunch, crunch) Leaves be crinkling under your feet. (crunch, crunch) Something about nature, right, just makes you want to… shit. And women won’t go to the bathroom outside, right. Ladies, you won’t, will you, the women. Say, you want to go to the bathroom out here, baby. Un-un. No, too much, look, no, un-un. Too many things crawling around could crawl up there, no. I’ll wait till we get back to the car. And I say, bitch, you ain’t gonna piss in the car! You better drop your drawers and piss here. Cause a man could just whip that shit out anywhere, right, You know, all on the tree and shit. You ever write your name in the snow, you be [gesturing]. Women still be standing around, I’m not going to do it, un-un. I got to go real bad, too. Okay, I’m gonna pull my panties down a little bit. Okay. Now, you don’t… don’t you do nothing, don’t you be funny. If you see something, you let me know. You’re not gonna do nothing funny, are you? No, baby, go ahead. I ain’t gonna do nothing, go ahead. Okay. I’ll just pull it down a little bit. I like to wait till they get into it, right, and you go, somebody’s coming! And women can cut they piss off like that, whap, and not another drop come out! Men, have you ever tried to stop your piss? You’ll get eight hernias. You all can be [moaning], piss will be running down your leg, you’ll be [moaning]. And there’s things in the woods that fuck with you, you know what I mean? Like snakes. Snakes make you run into trees. They do, right. Snake! …pow. Not many black people get bitten by snakes, that’s true. Statistically, that is true. Because black people stroll too cool in the woods. They do. N*ggers be in the woods and be, must have a different attitude about the woods. They’ll be walking. [Gently] Snake. Now, white people get bit all the time, cause they have a different rhythm. They be in the woods [gesturing]. But in the woods when you be hunting deer and shit, you’ll be in the woods and you hear (crunch, crunch… ) Say, come over this way, come over. (crunch, crunch), [monkey sound effect] Say, what the fuck was that? I don’t know. (crunch, crunch) Come on. And deer will be drinking water, right. (crunch) And I don’t know how deer ever drink water, as scared as they are, right. They be like [gesturing]. Say, come on. Come on around this way. Why in the fuck you gonna make two paths, just bring your ass the way I’m going. I know what I’m doing, goddamnit, just walk where I walk. Well, you’ll be upwind, he’ll smell you. Just bring your… walk in my footsteps, goddamnit. Come on. Get off my goddamn foot. You were on my corn now. (crunch, crunch… crunch, crunch) [Whispering] There he is. Beautiful, ain’t it? Give me the rifle. What rifle? The rifle I gave you back at the car. Shit, I didn’t know you wanted me to carry the rifle. If you ain’t got the rifle, we in trouble. How you figure that, ain’t nothing but a deer. I know that, but there’s a bear behind you. Oh, shit. Which way you gonna run. No, I just want to know so I don’t run over your ass. So them woods is something else, jack. Thank you. Thank you. You got to have a certain kind of persona, though, to be in the woods fucking with them animals and shit, boy. That’s they home, you know what I mean. You have to be knowing what you’re doing, cause you might be fucking around and something grab your ass. You have to have a look about you, right. I mean, you know, if you look like Leon Spinks, then you could get away with that shit. No, cause Leon could chase some of that shit out of them woods. Right, them mountain lions and shit, did you see the smile on that mother fucker man? I hope brother Leon ain’t here tonight and hear that shit. Leon, boy. Now, that’s another n*gger have bad luck be fucking with him, too. Right, Leon will be walking down the street, bad luck. Leon. Huh? What you want to do, freaky deaky? Leors a brother got a lot of heart, though. He really has, you know. Gave Ali another shot at the title and shit, and they didn’t want him to. It makes me feel good when that happens. Really. Cause to me, I don’t think nobody else can beat that young n*gger, myself, cause he just, ali didn’t really beat him up. You know, he just beat him often. Cause that n*gger ain’t been hurt yet. He don’t know nothing about the pain, not Leon. Leon was trying to get the championship and was cool, too, right. Every time Leon started some shit, Ali would grab his ass. Ali would say, not here, n*gger, not tonight. No, Lord, every time you start some shit I’m gonna grab your ass just like this here. Cause I got to have it this evening. So now I’m gonna let you go, take that with you. And Leon figure like, Leors saying, I ain’t got nothing to lose. I ain’t got no money, I ain’t got no teefers. And I definitely ain’t got no driver’s license. So what in the fuck can you do to me, freaky deaky. The only thing about it, I don’t like to hear when white people would be saying, he dumb, ain’t he? And n*ggers be agreeing with him, though, that’s what tickles me. Be happy for any n*gger doing any thing. Right, cause there ain’t nobody ever said the heavyweight champion had to be no entomologist, anyway. Right. They say, Leon, what do you do. I knock mother fuckers out. That’s all he got to do. Ali, man, I got in the ring one time and ali, man, is awesome. That n*gger, I was in a benefit with him just for fun boxing, and just to get in the ring with that n*gger your heart go uhhh. No, cause something make you say, you know, I’m in this mother fucking ring and shit, and does everybody know this is for fun? You know, cause the n*gger will be fucking with you, right. As soon as you get in the ring, Ali be talking about, [gesturing]. I say, wait a minute, does this n*gger know this is a benefit? He ain’t supposed to hit my ass up in this mother fucker. And the n*gger is so fast that you don’t see his punches till they coming back [sound effect]. That’s all you see right, and your mind be saying, wait a minute now, there was some shit in my face a minute ago, I know that much. Ali came out, man, he threw about eight punches about a quarter inch from my nose. He said, [sound effect]. I said, shit! And I was happy to be in the ring with the champ, you know what I mean. But my mind kept saying, I said, what happens if this n*gger has one of them Joe Frazier flashbacks. You know what I mean, he might go round 11, Joe Frazier, booom. And he’ll give me brain damage for life, right. I’d be, uh-huh [sound effects]. Freaky deaky. That boxing is a hard hustle, though. I used to box in the golden gloves. I was good in the gym. It was in the ring where I had my trouble. I was a mother fucker in the gym hitting the heavy bag, you know, (Bam, bam, bam) Cause the bag don’t move. Cause you get in the rings, n*ggers will be talking about [gesturing]. I said, hey, coach, what about this shit here! I say, this n*gger moving! And I always had to box them dudes that looked like they just killed their parents. You know, have you ever seen them n*ggers with them big rusty ass hands, the kind of hand you can strike a match in the middle of it? Right. They come out at the bell beating themself up. Right, (ding, boom, boom… ) I’m saying, well, he don’t give a fuck about me! He kicking his own ass! Then the coach say, stick and move, stick and move. And you be scared when you have your first boxing, right, you’ll be doing [gesturing]. And you’ll get one in, right, (bip,) You’ll look at your own shit and say, hey, this shit might work, right. And then you start trying a little bit. (bam, bam, bip, ping, bip-ping) Then it gets good to you, right. (bam, ping) And I fucked around and left one of them pings out there too long. And I saw this n*gger’s eyes got real red. And in his mind, I know he was saying, I’m gonna kill them ribs. And he hit me with a punch he got From… Mississippi. It came from Mississippi, in slow motion, it say, [sound effect]. Gained momentum in Georgia [sound effect]. Swept up through Louisiana [sound effect]. And my body said get the fuck out of the way. I couldn’t move, though. And my mind is saying drop your arm, block the punch, then counter with your right. But my arm said, I ain’t got nothing to do with it. And he hit me in the ribs, [sound effect]. You ever had air leave your body, air just said, fuck it! [Sound effect]. And then he saw my other side was weak and he said, oh, you want some air [sound effect]. And I kept trying to fall, but my legs was in good shape. They wouldn’t fall. My legs just looked at me and said, why in the fuck should we fall? There ain’t nobody hit us. Shit, you gonna make us look bad cause you can’t take a ass whipping. You better raise your ass back up there, jack. I had one n*gger whoop me so good I thought he was playing conga on my body. [Rhythmic sound effects] I start dancing with the mother fucker. [Rhythmic sound effects] And what hurts you most in boxing like when you box, right, is the mother fuckers that hit you in the body. I mean, you can deal with them wild swinging mother fuckers, right, cause you just block their punch, get out of the way. But them body punchers, jack, you come out with your guard like this at first, you be all up here. [Sound effects] About round five you come out [gesture]. And you forget your chin is open, right. You be going, you can’t hit me in the ribs now. The cat hits you in the chin, pow. And your legs are the first thing to go, right. Your legs say, excuse me, uh, I’m falling, I don’t know about you. And you be saying, no, legs, hang in there, fuck it. And you be down, jack. You start looking in the audience for your parents. Hi, Mom. I’m okay. The referee counting and shit, you know. You say, I don’t know what the fuck you counting for, I ain’t getting up. I’m gonna make sure this fight’s over. I ain’t getting out of the ring till they start sweeping up. And there’s always somebody in the audience talking about, Get up! Get up! Fuck you! That’s how I got down here in the first place. That’s why you gotta keep your legs in shape man, and do road work and shit. You gotta run four and five miles a day. Ali run backwards cause that’s the way he fights. I just be running like this. Rashan, my trainer, he say, run and keep your mouth closed, breathe through your nose. You be, [sound effects]. You’ll be breathing through your nose and snot start coming out of your nose, right. That’s when the women come out, right. You got snot hanging on your nose. [Inaudible]. You ever be running and get one of them [sound effect], and get it on somebody running next to you? Like it’s, say jack, what’s this shit you got on [inaudible]! Do you know I will kick your ass! You gonna be running for real, you don’t get this shit off me! And sometimes it’s ego crushing when you be running, cause a old white man be out there lapping your ass, right. Be [pantomime]. And you ever be running and you get that pain in your side where the pain say, hello, I’ll be fucking with you the next hour or so. I serve no purpose other than to kill your ass. I’ll be moving from side to side, down your groin and up your ass. When you drop dead, I will stop. I need some water. No, but you got to stay in shape and shit, cause you never can tell when in real life you will have to… run! That’s right, run. Goddamnit, run. Why get killed when you can… run! That’s right, a lot of people get a ass whipping, and you could run. You’ll be in the hospital, your ego will heal a lot faster than a broken jaw. Cause you’ll still be in the hospital talking about, shit, I should have run. Run! That’s right, if somebody pull a knife on you, and you can’t pull out nothing but a hand with some skin on it, your intelligence ought to tell you to… run! But people be watching Kojak and shit too much. They think they have to be [singing] macho man. [Singing] I’ll take that knife and shove it up your ass. [Singing] I’m macho man. You go from macho man to [singing] dead person. Cause see, in the movies, they always make looking getting stabbed with a knife look like it’s cool, right, because they have that music. [Musical sound effects] See, in real life, you don’t hear no [musical sound effects]. All you feel is a knife in your ass. You won’t be talking about [sound effects], so run! And teach your old lady how to run so you don’t have to go back after her ass. You say, I’ll meet you home in five minutes, baby. And then you got something to laugh about when you get home, right. You say, baby, shit, I beat you here by two minutes, what the fuck happened? See, but people try to be [singing] macho man. That’ll get you fucked up, jack. Especially nowadays, cause young dudes that fight, they don’t even fight like older people, you know what I mean. Like when we used to just have gang fights you used your fists and shit. Now, they got that kung fu and karate and shit, they like to pluck your eye out and pull your arm out of the socket and shit. There ain’t no fun in them. See, you go out there with that old fashioned shit, they just kick you in the nuts. You’ll be come on, jack. They said, clip [gesturing]. Oh, boy. No, no, I’ve had enough, no. You win, you win. Oh, oh, oopsy daisy. Okay. No, I’m fine. Just trying to find my balls. Two, there was two of them, There’s two. Here’s one here. No, no, I’ll just put it in my pocket, thank you. But if you see the other one, would you mail it to me. See it around, just… but you gotta stay in shape, right, because you never can tell, jack. You ought to swim or something. I can’t swim, myself, you know. My kids swim their ass off. We got a pool, I can’t swim. I’m in the shallow part, I’ll be pitching a bitch in the shallow part. [Sound effect] Don’t nobody push me, jack. One time I was playing with my kids and forgot what I was doing, and fucked around and jumped off in the deep end. And that water bring your memory back… like that. I didn’t even get a chance to get mother [sound effect]. And my mind, all your mind says when you think you’re drowning in the pool, your mind say, get to the edge! Get your ass to the edge! And I was swimming my ass off in one spot. I wasn’t going no place. And my kids was watching me, right. And my kids think everything I do is funny. They were saying, look at daddy drowning, ha ha ha! Daddy, you’re so funny! Say, kick your legs, daddy, kick your legs! I’m saying, I’m gonna kick your ass if you don’t help me out of this mother fucker. And my kids get away with shit I never could get away with, Because I can’t bring myself like just to beat them up, You know, like being [inaudible] parent. You know, that kind of standard parent shit like my family did. Because I don’t want to fuck my kids up like I’m fucked up. So I just talk to them, you know, I’ll say get the fuck out of my face. You know, just leave me the fuck alone, I don’t want to hear this shit. You know don’t respect yourself, I know you don’t respect me, now fuck you. About an hour later they come to my room, though. [Knocking at door] I’m sorry. I fucked up. I say, that’s right, and don’t do it no more, cause I don’t want to have to get on your ass. Oh, daddy, it’s okay. My kids, boy, when they lie though, that’s the thing that I love the most, when they be trying to tell them lies and you know they’re lying, right. You say, um, who broke this? Huh? I said, who broke this? Okay. I’m gonna tell you, okay? First, okay, I’m gonna tell you. First, first I wasn’t in here, right. Uh-uh. First I was… I was… I was in the kitchen, okay. Uh-huh. Then… then… Then when I was in the kitchen, do you know what happened? You don’t know what happened? I’m gonna tell you, okay. Then I was… I was in the kitchen, okay. Then, I was… I was running in here… I wasn’t really running, Because you remember when you told me not to run, uh-huh. So, I wasn’t really running, running. But it was kind of like I was running. My legs was moving real fast, it looked like I was running, but I wasn’t really running, un-un. And I was in here then when that thing, that thing was already broke. Uh-huh. That was broke even before I was born. And when that door almost fell back like that, and it broke and it fell down and it broke [inaudible]. That’s what happened. I need some wa-ter. Audience member: [inaudible]. Richard Pryor: Fuck you. Can you… can you turn the lights up just for a moment. Just for a second. Shut the fuck up. Turn the house lights up, house people. Lighters, just for a minute, just for a second. Thank you. I’d like to introduce you to someone, Ladies and gentlemen, Huey P. Newton. Stand up, Huey. Audience: [applause]. Richard Pryor: Thank you for coming. Turn the lights down now. Turn the mother fuckers down. Thank you very much. Thanks for coming, Huey. I’m happy that you’re here. Now, what… shut the what, mother fucker? What, you done stood up and you crazy you got a jacket on and it’s hot in this mother fucker. So, I’m definitely gonna speak to you, what is it? Audience member: Rank those Mexicans? Richard Pryor: You got it… about the Mexicans? You want me to rank the Mexicans? You all are in worse trouble than n*ggers. You all get to pass for white, and I can’t be fucking with you all. That’s no, it’s no fun picking on Mexicans, you guys got a country. And the Chinese, too. The Chinese, the Chinese people here [inaudible], you better watch out, I’ll sic them on your ass. There’s a billion Chinese, ain’t but 4O Mexicans. That’s a lot of people, right, a billion people. Jesus Christ. Somebody in China doing some serious fucking. They fuck quick, too, right. [Sound effect] I was in Chinatown, right, We went to Chinatown about five months ago, I heard the funniest shit I’d ever heard in my life, was a Chinese person that stuttered. I swear. This dude was really stuttering in Chinese. Talking about [sound effect]. And his friends was getting mad at him, trying to help his ass, right. Going [sound effect]. He was still going [sound effect]. You go to Chinatown, they get mad if you don’t eat all the food, right. You go, uh, man, can I have the check please. They say, you got two more dishes. Man, I can’t eat no more of this shit. Say, you order shit, you eat shit. Who do you think you are, Buster Brown? And they bring you a bill, don’t they. You ever see them bills, say $48.50 for what? Then they get smooth on your ass, right. Guy says, you had the two lobster [inaudible], and chop suey [inaudible]. And if you really don’t understand, they send that stuttering mother fucker over there to explain it to you. [Sound effect] You just end up throwing your money down and say, here, mother fucker, take what you want. Just shut the fuck up before you die. But a billion people, there has to be making love in China. See, they ain’t like black people in China. See, they fuck quick and get it over with. Black people try to stay in the pussy three and four days, right. Be inventing new ways to fuck, right. Just take your leg, baby, wait a minute, move your arm. Here, put your… put your pussy on this ladder, right. Now just move around, yeah. Now hold it, yeah, shit, there it is, mm-hmm. There, goddamn, don’t you move now. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And I just found out some time ago that sometimes women don’t have orgasms. And that fucked me up. No, cause I just knew I was doing some serious fucking, right. I’m talking about where you get the hump in your back and shit, you know. Get all ugly in the face, you be [gesturing]. Toes be talking about [gesturing]. And you go, how was it, baby? The woman go, [gesturing]. You say, you say, [gesturing]. Well, what the fuck is, [gesturing]! Well, I didn’t come. Well, shit, I did. Well, what about me? Say, what about you? Shit, I got mine, get yours. Shit, I ain’t got no time to be sensitive, cause I’m [singing] macho man. [Singing] I don’t give a damn if you come or not, [singing] I’m macho man. You gotta be cool when you’re macho man, right, cause you can’t be sensitive and care about if someone have a good time in bed, shit. That’s too scary, right. Cause men be scared in bed. I don’t give a fuck what they tell you women, when the sex is over, the man be talking shit like, did she come, I wonder if she came, I think she came. I wonder if it was good to her, I hope it was good to her. I’m not gonna ask her, though. I don’t give a [inaudible], cause if you didn’t like it, that’s all right, I don’t care, cause I did the best I could, now fuck her. That’s it. She’s not getting anymore and that’s it. Please get hard, please. I don’t care what, don’t kiss me no more, I don’t want to be touched. And some n*ggers will be lying, talking about, I can fuck eight, nine hours, jack. You some lying mother fuckers. You fuck nine hours, we know where to bury your ass on the tenth. Hey, cause I like making love myself, and I can make love for about three minutes. I do about three minutes of serious fucking, then I need eight hours sleep, and a bowl of wheaties. And you can tell when you done made good love to your woman, right, because she will go to sleep. That’s when you really are [singing] macho man. [Singing] I put your ass to sleep, I’m macho man. But if you finish fucking and your woman want to talk about computer components, you got some more fucking to do. And don’t get me wrong now, they got some women just as chauvinist as we men are, right. They got some woman be talking about, oh, no, please stop, I can’t take it, oh, please stop. You say, can you wait till I put it in? And usually when men meet a woman that says she never had an orgasm, man, we go right past sensitivity, right, we go right to the ego, right. And say, well, bitch, you gonna come this evening. Get that as soon as I can get my shit open here. Man, as much shit as I got in this briefcase, I know you gonna come. Just a minute, now, here (bzzzzzzz… ) Just relax. (bzzzzzz… ) And when you don’t use sensitivity when you’re having sex, right, or share some of your soul, nothing gonna happen. Because men really get afraid, men are really scared in bed of women because they got, you got to have that macho shit be working. Uh, did… did, uh, did you… did you, um, uh, did you come? Did you? Right, cause men get defensive, if a woman says she didn’t come, men get real defensive, right. They won’t take their no fault for shit, right. They might say anything when they get scared, right. Man will go, uh, look, baby, uh, maybe your pussy’s dead. And women always have a great comeback, right, the woman says, well, why don’t you give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. You ever give head for nine hours? Your back locks. Your jaws and shit swell all up, your lips look like a can’toon, jack. You be talking about, [muffled] Baby, I can’t do any more. And when you stop, women always say, but I almost came! Finally, I ended up saying, I said look, I’ll be the bitch, you get on top. And she came, too, right. She says, oh, oh, oh, I’m coming! Oh. [sound effects] “Close Encounters…” melody She say, how was it? I say [gesturing]. [Uproarious applause] Thank you. [Uproarious applause continued]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Katt Williams: Live (2006) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/katt-williams-live-2006-full-transcript/

[Police siren blaring] [Police radio chattering] [Crowd clamoring] CHRIS: Thank you. 100.9 the Wiz. Blazing hip hop and R and B. Jamming in the building right now. Man, it’s just an honor to have this guy just stop by just to say hi and say what’s up to Cincinnati. My man Katt Williams in the house. Say, Katt, you doing some big things there, man. What’s actually going on? What’s bringing you back to Cincinnati? You know, this is my place of origination, so the first thing you want to do if you make any success, is you want to go back to where it started, and you want to try to put something back there. And I’m not really interested in whatever political issues are involved with that. My concern is, you know… First of all, let me say that I do want to respect other people’s opinion and what they’re doing in a very serious situation. So I don’t take the boycotters lightly at all. On the other hand, I am a public official. I am beholden to the public, and I view my job as seriously as a fireman does his job. So a fireman goes where the fire is and tries to put out the fires. That’s what he does. I’m a comedian. I make people laugh, and the best people to make laugh are the people that are hurting. So I go where people are hurting, and I stand on the stage, and I make people laugh for an hour and a half, two hours. Now, if you think that that’s so serious, you feel like that’s something that shouldn’t be done by me, then I’m sorry. We just have a difference of opinion. That’s good. That’s a good thing, and, you know, I applaud you for that, especially remembering home. A lot of people don’t. They kind of leave where they say they’re from, and then they never want to come back and give back, which is good ’cause you bringing in some healing, ’cause l… Comedy is healing to me. You know, when I want to go get something off my mind, I go to a comedy show. Right. -You know, ’cause it makes you laugh. For you to come here and bring some healing, that’s, like, wow. You should be applauded for that. -I appreciate that. Yeah, I mean, I can’t fix the problems. I just got some Bactine and some Band-Aids. That’s my job. I can’t heal you, but I can put a little… I can put a little salve on it for a second. I just want to let everybody know exactly what is going down. What can they expect on the 25th at the Taft Theatre? Yeah, exactly. I wanted to, you know, come take the temperature of the town real quick. You know what I mean? I had to hit the streets. Yesterday, I went to a couple of schools, hit a couple of streets in Avondale, turned a couple of corners. You know, just trying to talk to some folks out there on the street and see what they think about me coming. ‘Cause that’s really my concern. Okay, the people. Yeah, exactly. -It’s all about them anyway. Hey, please don’t forget the hood. If you forget the hood, the hood will forget you. Chris: You know that’s right. That’s how you end up real, real light-skinned in court with the Moslems around you. [Chris Laughing] [Imitating Michael Jackson] Beat it! Too late now! We need you to be a Negro in your time of goodness. There you go. There you go, man. I want to thank you for coming out here, man, and just spending time with us here. You’re always welcome. You know the doors are always wide open for you. I appreciate you, dawg. For real. No problem, Katt. No problem, man. Thanks a lot for having us. And thanks a lot for doing this in Cincinnati. Lord knows we need it. Well, you know, this is where the pimping came from. You got to bring pimping to the birthplace. -You gotta come… You’re right. You’re right. -Yes, this is the real Ohio players’ society. This is a secret pimp society. I got to show America how a pimp like this was created. [Audience applauding] MC: From Cincinnati. You know him as Money Mike. Give it up and welcome the very funny Mr. Katt Williams! Um, before we get cracking, I do have some complaints about Cincinnati. Let’s get this out the way before a n i g g a gets started. I been here three days. It’s been all… How the fuck is you n i g g a s gonna have all the weather? This is bullshit! Seventy-two hours. It’s been hot and mild, rainy, cloudy, sleety, cold. This is bullshit. A pimp don’t know what to wear in this motherfucker. I’m in the hotel lobby with a fur coat on, some swim trunks, some Timberlands and an umbrella, because I don’t know what may happen in this raggedy bitch this evening. Shit! Yesterday it was 181 degrees. Today it was 36. What the fuck? You can’t pimp nobody when it’s 136 degrees. As soon as you walk out, “Bitch, where’s my money?” Pimp down! 10-32, bitch! Get the trunk! I am a boy, Damon! Got to love Cincinnati. This is the ugliest, nastiest, dirtiest, most beautiful place in all of the United States of America. Shit. You can just be driving in a nice neighborhood, just driving, just look at the architecture, and look at the clocks and the fountain and… Oh, my God. And then three seconds later, what the fuck, n i g g a, is that? Is that two crackheads and a pit bull, n i g g a? What? We didn’t even turn a corner! N i g g a, why? Crackheads in Cincinnati be working hard. See, people with a day job think a crack salesman has an easy job. They don’t know this n i g g a got to do five jobs. This n i g g a got to be a salesman, security, lookout, gunman, all of that. That’s all his job. N i g g a just own the corner, just… This is bullshit. Got to love Cincinnati. I hadn’t been here in a minute. I needed some clothes. I asked the lady at the front desk, “Which mall should I go to?” She said, “Sir, there is a mall damn near attached to the hotel.” If this ain’t the most rinky-dink mall in all of the United States. I almost went back and smacked the shit out of her. “Now, ma’am, you know it wasn’t nothing for n i g g a s in there!” Paintings and incense burners and shit. Mall looked big from the outside, looked big like it’s five blocks long. You get in that motherfucker and find out it’s built in a circle. We just in the mall… “Oh, n i g g a, this is nice. This is nice. “l like this, n i g g a. This is nice. “l like this, n i g g a. Is that a Foot Locker, n i g g a? “They got a Foot Locker? That’s nice, n i g g a! “They got two motherfucking Foot Lockers? “This is the shit, n i g g a! “They got three goddamn Foot Lockers!” I fucked around and bought the same pair of shoes twice. Y’all forgive me while a n i g g a takes a drink and adjusts his electronic technicians. You got haters here, too, though. Oh… Oh, you got some haters in Cincinnati, now. All over the world there’s haters. You got to be careful, ’cause it’s easy to become a hater. See, most real n i g g a s think that haters are born. Haters are made. They start out just like us, real n i g g a s. They want to do good so bad that n i g g a s no longer respect the grind, the journey, the struggle, the shit you gotta do in between. These n i g g a s want to be ballers overnight. I saw some shit in Cincinnati today that hurt my spirit as a n i g g a. And I hope that the n i g g a I’m gonna talk about is in this motherfucker tonight so I can talk about his ass personally. Y’all not gonna believe this shit. I’m in the limo, and in my peripheral… I see some n i g g a s looking confused. That means out of a n i g g a’s side vision, out his side vision. N i g g a in the back thought it was a car. “That n i g g a got a Peripheral? “Fuck a Phantom, that n i g g a got a Peripheral. “That ain’t even supposed to come out till 2006.” In my peripheral today… That n i g g a still think it’s a car. “l don’t believe him. It’s a car. “He don’t want nobody to have it.” I saw a n i g g a today… [Audience jeering] I know y’all want to know. I’m going to tell you. I saw a n i g g a with spinner hubcaps. What part of the game is this? Them motherfuckers didn’t even spin on they own. That n i g g a had to get out of the car and spin them bitches manually. This is bullshit. So, I come to Cincinnati and I hear that the Cincinnati government want to honor a n i g g a. Now, automatically, I am caught off guard, for I know this must be some sort of a government type of setup. I know a n i g g a must have a warrant he overlooked or something. I’m expecting, at any moment, for this to be a setup, and I find out they have declared it Katt Williams Day. Now, that sounds beautiful, but n i g g a s were very vague. They were very vague. They didn’t tell me what the fuck that means. That mean a n i g g a can jaywalk? What that mean? That mean that weed is legal in my vehicle? Have the laws on prostitution been slightly relaxed for poor n i g g a? [Speaking gibberish] Could that be the case? They gave me the proclamation, and let me just tell you something. I know, y’all, this is Cincinnati. I wasn’t even supposed to do it here because I know that there is a boycott in Cincinnati, but let me tell you something. There are several types of n i g g a s. There are n i g g a s that are concerned with politics and then there is street n i g g a s. Street n i g g a s don’t know nothing about boycotts. They don’t know nothing about what the opposite of boycott is. N i g g a s know “Don’t fuck with me. I won’t fuck with you.” Can I get a witness? That’s how we handle business. So, I’m just here to remind n i g g a s that we stress entirely too much, black people. I’m just saying, you got to make up your own rules. Your own rules. Fuck trying to keep up with other motherfuckers. That’s our problem, we be wanting to keep up. N i g g a s be working real hard to get $5000 worth of spinning rims and pull right on up in an apartment complex with them spinning rims. You gonna have to get some priorities eventually, now. I’m gonna tell you something about spinning rims you might not have known. You not gonna believe this. From inside your car, you can’t even see them bitches spin. Can you believe that? All that motherfucking money and you gotta look at n i g g a s on the bus stop to verify your motherfucking rims. You’re just at the light, just… Better get your life together. Life is too short to be worried about other motherfuckers. Fuck 20-inch rims. Put $20 in your gas tank and get your goddamn grind on one more time. ‘Cause, uh, I don’t care who you are, gas is entirely too fucking high. I don’t care if you got millions, gas is too high. You are not supposed to be at the gas station making life decisions. You just at the pump, just, “N i g g a, did I eat today? “N i g g a, I ain’t got but three cigarettes. “l can’t get no half a tank, n i g g a.” Just saying life is too short. You need to get you some white friends. Get you some white friends. You can learn a lot from white people. First of all… First of all, could we have all the white people make some noise? All the white people make some noise. [Meager cheering] I’d like to thank all 17 of you for coming out. That is some beautiful shit. I mean it. Thank you so much. You are never going to see this many white people and 17 n i g g a s. If you see us, we are lost in a motherfucker, just sitting there. “N i g g a, I thought you said this was Ludacris.” “This ain’t no motherfucking Ludacris.” Got to get you a white friend. I don’t give a fuck what you say, white people are friendly. You can call them motherfuckers up at 3:00 a.m. with a wrong number, and they won’t even be mad at you. They just… [Imitating phone ringing] “Hello? “No, I’m sorry, no Shaquita here. “Well, what number did you dial? “No, it’s a nine, not a seven. “Well, try it. If it doesn’t work, call me back. “We’ll figure this thing out.” Gotta love white people. If you see white people waiting on the bus stop, they’re not mad. They’re not angry. They do… [Whistling] Bus is three hours late, they just… “l hope the bus driver’s okay.” If you see a n i g g a sitting on the bus stop, we are madder than a motherfucker. It ain’t got shit to do with the bus. We just sitting there. Just… Getting mad at n i g g a s that’s driving. Just… I’m telling you, life, it’s too short. All thug n i g g a s be ready to die, but not when you get shot. Every n i g g a that ever been shot has a puzzled look on his face. Just every time, “N i g g a, I’m ready to die. N i g g e r, right now. I don’t give a fuck…” “N i g g a, get my weed. Get my weed. Don’t let them… Don’t let them bury me.” I’m just saying the whole world is crazy. You gonna have to make your own decisions in life, ’cause the world is crazy. They tell us shit that makes no sense at all. You got to remember, this is your one shot at life. Make your own rules. They don’t want you to smoke weed, and you shouldn’t. Some n i g g a s almost walked out on that one. They said… “Now what that n i g g a talking about? Did you…” They want us to believe shit that don’t make no sense. They don’t want us to smoke weed ’cause it’s a drug. No, it’s not. It’s just a plant. It just grow like that. And if you should so happen to set it on fire, there are some effects. But that’s not the same as drugs. Drugs, you gotta do shit to it chemically. You got to add baking soda, water, stir it up. I don’t know the recipe. I’m just saying. It’s some shit you got to do to it. They don’t want us to smoke weed. I know some of you all don’t smoke weed ’cause you got a good job. And, by all means, make your paper, boo boo. But if you ain’t got no job and you not smoking weed, I don’t know what the fuck you are doing with your life. I really don’t. There is a chemical in weed that’s called “fuck it”. And if you can just get that in your system, it could change your life. Some of you all be crying about bills you can’t pay. Got your kids lying, “My daddy say he ain’t home.” Some of you all just be in the living room, just… “l don’t know what I’m gonna do about this light bill. “They want the whole thing. They don’t want a piece of it, a deposit.” Just hit the block one time and see if it don’t change your perception of what’s important in your life. You just… “l don’t know what I’m gonna do about this light. I just…” “Fuck them goddamn lights. “I got 12 candles. I’ve been waiting to burn them bitches up.” ‘Cause that don’t make no sense, for them to tell us that should be illegal. Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherfuckers, it’ll be your last headache. As long as you been living, you ain’t never heard of nobody overdose on marijuana. You might have thought that n i g g a was dead. He ain’t dead. He gonna wake up in 30 minutes hungry enough to eat up everything in your house. That’s the side effects. Hungry, happy, sleepy. That’s it. I don’t know. What I don’t know is why they ain’t made weed into a pill. They can clone sheep. They can make a baby without the mama. Remember the cell phone? When that motherfucker came out, was it not this goddamn big? Came in a suitcase with a shoulder strap. Now the cell phone is so small that by next year it’s just gonna be a chip on a n i g g a’s tongue. You just gonna be smoking a cigarette, yeah… [Imitating cell phone ringing] “Hello? “No, n i g g a, I got you on the tongue phone. “Hold on. I got another call. [Clicking tongue] “Hello?” You gotta be careful, though. Got to be careful. You have to pay attention to your schedule. I had to have a meeting with all the weed salesmen in Cincinnati and explain to these n i g g a s that I need regular weed. I have shit to do. I have an agenda. I don’t want shit with a nickname. Not Thriller, Killer, Salmonella, none of that shit. I want it to say, right on the bag, “Regular Weed”. Regular weed, you get the munchies, and you can live your life. This n i g g a in Cincinnati two days ago sold me some shit had me looking at the refrigerator for four hours. I’m just in the kitchen on the stove, just… “l bet you, ain’t shit in there. I bet you, there’s shit in…” You know the weed is too good when you hit it and look at it. Just… “Ah, n i g g a, there’s something in here. There’s something in here. That…” Something… You just… You just gotta do everything in moderation. ‘Cause I thought that all weed smokers were created equal, but that’s not the case, not the case at all. I live in Los Angeles now, and I was hanging out with Snoop Dogg. Now, this n i g g a is a professional weed smoker. There is not an amateur bone in this n i g g a’s body. I was not prepared. We was doing The Tracy Morgan Show. He did an episode. The n i g g a said, “Katt, “when we take a break, we gonna hit some weed.” Now I took out of that conversation, two words, “Hit”. “Some weed”. Now, I can do that. I know the rules and regulations. -I know I get the blunt, puff, puff… AUDlENCE: Pass. I see you are aware of the regulations as well. So I’m feeling like everything is gonna be okay. I’m gonna smoke enough weed to be sociable, go back to my room and learn my lines. Now, I need to explain to you that it’s, in this room, only me, Snoop and his two partners. We are in a circle. I watch him roll one and light it and put it in rotation. And it starts to go in rotation. After about four and three-quarter minutes, I start noticing that I am higher than I have ever been my entire life. I mean, I am high, high. Like I’m up on the world, looking down at the planets and stars. Just satellites and my mama house where I grew up in Avondale. Just all of it. I can see it. And I’m thinking, “How in the hell could I be this high “off one blunt?” I look up and notice these n i g g a s have lit six blunts, and they are all in rotation at the same time. We look like an Olympic track meet in that bitch. It’s bullshit. That’s why you just gotta live your life. ‘Cause other people’s life, it may look better than yours, but that does not mean that’s the way it is. I live in LA now. I’m finding out that most of that shit that I thought was real was bullshit. I met DMX two months ago. This n i g g a is the same size as me. I don’t know why I thought that n i g g a was 6’12” or something. That n i g g a is two inches taller than me, and he talk like that for real. We in a restaurant, he, “Hey, yo, bitch. “Let me get some water and some lemon.” “Now, n i g g a, why are you hollering? We in a restaurant. “Don’t nobody holler like that in no restaurant.” You know, that n i g g a wasn’t shit in school. He couldn’t cheat at all. “Hey, yo, bitch. What’s the answer to number seven?” [Barking] “N i g g a, you need to be in a special class. What the…” I’m out there in LA. I’ve been making friends with basketball players. Just n i g g a s I’ve been watching for a long time. People like Ruben Patterson from the Portland Trail Blazers and Shaquille O’Neal. Just big six-foot, eight-foot n i g g a s. I found out I can’t even really be friends with these n i g g a s in public ’cause they too fucking tall. I’m trying to congratulate you on the game. You got your dick all around my forehead region. This is bullshit. “N i g g a, good game, good game.” Just saying you got to live your life. See, I notice a lot of this shit ’cause I have a disease. I’m allergic to stupid shit. Now, some of y’all might have that same disease, but, if you have the disease, you know for a fact that it does not start when you an adult. It starts when you a child. I can remember as a child being allergic to stupid shit. I can remember being in class. The teacher said, “Katt, stand up.” “Bitch, I am standing up.” I hate her so much. I really do. She says, “Spell ‘kitchen’.” So, I sounded it out, as I had been instructed to do. “Kit-chen. Kit-chen.” “K-I-T… Ch… Ch… C-H-E-N.” She said, “Very good. Very good. Spell ‘knife’.” Now, once again, church, I sounded this motherfucker out. [Slowly] “Knife.” “Knife.” “N-I-F-E. Knife.” She said, “No, no, I’m sorry. It’s K-N-I-F-E.” This bitch is stupid, she really is. “Uh, yes, that would be ka-nife. Ka-nife.” This is what she told me in front of the whole class. She said the “k” is silent. I said, “Then take that quiet motherfucker out, then, “’cause it’s confusing me.” Right after class, I cut that bitch with a ka-spoon. Just what the fuck are you talking about? Now, just in case you think I’m tripping, we are all adults now. Can you please tell me the purpose of the silent letter? Have you ever been able to use one in your own personal life? “My name is Bob. That’s B-K-O-B.” “No, n i g g a, your name is Bkob. It’s right there, Bkob.” Math. Math was my favorite subject, because everything that had been said, I could verify. She said, “Two and two is four.” Damn sure is. All the time, n i g g a. All the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. “Three X plus Y equals what?” This bitch is still teaching. Do you see this shit? “Did you notice some of them was letters? “Yes, bitch, that’s for words and sentences.” Now, that was just the shit they told us when we were little. Now that we grown, these motherfuckers still think we stupid. They got commercials on television where they lie and tell the truth at the same time. Now, how fucking stupid do I have to be for you to lie and tell the truth at the same time? They got commercials say you can get a brand-new Expedition. No credit, bad credit, bankrupt, divorce, parole violation, whatever your problem is, on approved credit. Did you say no credit, bad credit, on approved credit? That’s like you go to the club and a girl tell you, “I’m gonna give you some pussy. Never.” But that’s not the same, then. That’s… Then they got commercials for medication where the side effect is worse than the shit that they’re curing. And I didn’t think nobody was noticing but me. All I’m saying, if I’m taking something for asthma, I don’t need the side effect to be shortness of breath. That’s what the fuck I came to you for! They got some shit called Xenical. Now, Xenical is a fat blocker. And if weight is heavy on your mind, you got to be excited about something called a fat blocker, because you might not necessarily wanna stop eating, but you wouldn’t mind something blocking the fat every now and again. They show you the lady. She’s a little overweight. She’s unhappy. Three seconds later, she’s in a bikini running through flowers, and you think, “l want to run through some flowers, too.” Because you envision a pill in your throat all day just blocking fat. Just… Then they say possible side effects are gas with an oily discharge, diarrhea and the inability to stop it. What the fuck? Gas with an oily… It’s already embarrassing to fart in church as it is. Now you got to ruin your clothes? You just… [Razzing] That ain’t never coming out, lady. No, n i g g a, that’s oil. That’s oil. Just gotta make your own decisions. They tell you you should not smoke cigarettes because it will stunt your growth. And when you a kid they tell you, “Drink all your milk, “eat your vegetables, “so that you can grow up big and strong.” And I remember as a child drinking milk every day. “Just bring a cow in and let me get up under him and drink “some fresh milk “so I can be big and strong. “Broccoli. Give me all the broccoli, and greens and spinach.” Let me show y’all some shit y’all not gonna believe. Would my mother and father please stand up in the audience right now? I’m looking around. Now, look up there at my parents up at the top. My daddy 5’5″ and my mama 5’3″. What the fuck was I drinking milk for? Shit! I could have been eating Lemonheads and baked beans all day. Y’all don’t know. It ain’t no fun. Cincinnati right now worried about black and white prejudice. That ain’t shit compared to the prejudice of being short in American society. This is bullshit. You don’t know how I had to overcome. Ain’t no parades. Ain’t no marches. Jesse Jackson don’t show up. All the shit y’all take for granted, like that little thing your mama put by the door to mark your size every year. We just had one dark-ass line. My mama wrote “Forget about it” on the top of it. Just one dark… Then you grow up and be the same size. You got to be a pimp. You can’t just be no regular n i g g a this size. I can’t even go to an amusement park. Fuck Kings Island. I don’t give a fuck. I’m a grown-ass man. What you mean, I can’t ride this goddamn ride? I’m a grown-ass man! Spent $100, I gotta ride in a teacup with little kids. Just… This is bullshit. When we get out this motherfucker, I am gonna kick your motherfucking ass. Just saying life is short. Got to make up your own rules. Make up your own rules. We be wanting to do better so bad. You got to be happy with however your life is right now. That don’t mean you don’t want to do better, but you gotta be happy with whatever you got right now. If you got a raggedy car, stop talking shit about your raggedy car. That’s your raggedy car. You need to go home and wash the shit out that motherfucker. Put Armor All and everything on it. That way, when you leave the club, you don’t have to have that raggedy car conversation. Now, we all know the raggedy car conversation. Some of y’all can’t laugh right now ’cause you might have to use it later, but we all know the raggedy car conversation. You leave the club, you just… [Sighing] “I don’t need no bullshit. I don’t need no bullshit.” You fuck around and crank that motherfucker. You hear… [Screeching] Now you gotta act like you ain’t ready to leave the club. “What y’all n i g g a s doing? What y’all doing? “I’m gonna hang out five minutes. See what’s going on.” Just gotta be happy with whatever you got. That way you don’t accidentally end up becoming no hater. You mad ’cause you got a raggedy car. Now, when you pull up at the stoplight, you gotta look at the n i g g a in the Escalade like he made a fucked-up decision. You just in the car, just… That’s bullshit. You gotta be happy with whatever you got in your life. Let me give you a perfect example. Married people, make some noise. [Audience cheering] Now, did you hear how depressing that shit sounded? Who would ever want to be married with you motherfuckers clapping like that? Let’s try it again. Married people, make some noise. Yes. I don’t care how fucked up your marriage is, if you done found a motherfucker to walk with you day in and day out, that is some beautiful shit. You got to be happy about that. One more time, married people. Make some motherfucking noise. Yes, yes, okay. Let’s see what we’re working with. Do we have any newlyweds at all? Newlyweds? Right there. Uh-huh, and where else? Right… Right over there. Okay, stand up if you’re newlyweds. I can’t see you. You gonna have to stand… Right there. Uh-huh. Wait a minute. Hold on. I see a n i g g a standing up by himself. Oh, there she is. Okay. I can tell y’all newlyweds. Y’all been fucking all day. She tired. She got up like this. “This n i g g a’s crazy. I can’t keep doing this.” Okay, so how long y’all been married? A month. A month? A month and a half. Oh, where’s the month and a half? Raise your hand, month and a half. Where’s a month? What you got back there? A month and a half! A month… That n i g g a’s… You hear that n i g g a? “A month and a half! “And loving every minute of it! “l don’t know what took me so long.” ‘Cause, you know, black people, we’ll go together for 36 years, finally get married. You know, “All the kids in college now. I’m gonna do this. “I’m gonna make you my wife.” That’s some beautiful shit for a month and a month and a half. That’s wonderful shit. Let’s find out where the veterans are. Do we have any veteran married couples? Who been married more than 10, 15 years? What we got? What you got, ma’am? Twenty. Twenty? Can anybody beat 20? What we got? Can we beat 20? Shit, we got… Twenty-eight! Shit, 28, but you’re so far back you don’t count. You should have bought your tickets early. I can barely see you. That motherfucker’s outside by the fountain, “Twenty-eight!” Who we have right here? We had 24. Where was 24 at? Where was… There it was. Yeah, okay stand up, 24, so we can get a look at you. Go on. Wait, wait. “No, no, no”? No? You sure? ‘Cause we can make this whole segment about y’all personally, if you don’t want to comply with my wishes and demands. Oh, look. Kirk Franklin don’t want to stand up with his wife ’cause that ain’t really his wife. He been married 24 years. She got a boyfriend. They can’t even stand up. They sitting there like hostages now. “What the fuck did you put your hand up for? “l told you to keep your goddamn “hands down.” That’s some beautiful shit for motherfuckers married 24 and 28 years. MAN: Twenty-six! Twenty-six. I left that out. I thought that went between 24 and 28, n i g g a. That n i g g a don’t want to be left out. “Twenty-six!” Thought we were doing bingo in this bitch. That’s E 26. That’s so long. I can’t even… Shit! Twenty-four, twenty-six, twenty-eight years. Just… Goddamn, that’s beautiful. Just day after day after day of the same motherfucker. Just every time you wake up… Just, “Shit! You again! “Why don’t you all go on a vacation or some shit?” That’s some beautiful shit. If you done found somebody to walk with you every day… See… See, a month, a month and half, see… Sometimes, y’all still have arguments and disagreements, but at 24, 26 and 28, these motherfuckers don’t even talk to each other no motherfucking more. Sometimes she just be looking at him. “Just look at this nasty-ass n i g g a. “He gonna smell that shirt. It smell like yesterday, motherfucker! “Put it on! I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit.” Sometime he be looking at her like, “She gonna ask me, does this dress make her look fat? “l ought to just go on and tell her, ‘l see you naked! “‘Stop blaming it on the dress!”‘ But that’s some beautiful shit, if you done found somebody to walk with you every goddamn day. Now, let me show you something, if you don’t mind. Single people, make some motherfucking noise. Now did you hear… Did you hear how exciting that sounded? I know that a month, a month and a half, had a flashback to when you, too, was happier than a motherfucker. Just… [Screaming] ‘Cause as single people, we always act like we the shit. And we are. We really are. We the shit as long as we out. We quick to tell a motherfucker, “When you going home?” “When the fuck I want to go home. “I’m single, free to motherfucking mingle.” That is till you get home in that lonely-ass kitchen. You just in the kitchen… “Why won’t you send me somebody, Jesus?” I’m just saying, whatever you got in your life, be happy with what you got. Now, this next thing I’m gonna say is just for the fellows. If this don’t apply to you, just forget I even said it. If you got a crazy-ass baby mama… This n i g g a’s testifying in the back. Just… First of all, if your baby mama is that crazy… Uh-huh. [Man yelling] I done say something about babies’ mamas and triggered this n i g g a’s Tourette’s syndrome. This n i g g a just calling out area codes. Just, “513! “404! “213! “686!” If your baby mama is that crazy, the first rule you need to remember is keep your hands to your motherfucking self, because these police do not give a shit about n i g g a s if they have to come to the house. Oh, they don’t give a shit. You can be laying on the ground with both of your eyes black and your arm broke, and she gonna be on the couch, laughing her motherfucking ass off. Policeman come. “Ma’am, did he hit you?” “Hell no. I knocked his motherfucking ass out!” “Yes, ma’am. Yes, ma’am. “But as you were knocking him out, as he was falling back, “did he clutch at you? Did he clutch at you?” “He damn sure did. I half forgot all about that. “Y’all say bye to your daddy, “’cause he had clutched at me, and I forgot in the shock of the moment.” So rule number one is keep your hands to yourself. Rule number two is if you got a crazy-ass baby mama, just try and work with her ass if you can, ’cause you might not want her motherfucking job. That’s all I’m gonna say. I’m a single father. My son is nine. I done have him since he was nine months old. All I’m saying is it’s a job raising these motherfuckers. We do not give women enough credit for this single-parent shit. You can stop clapping. Some of y’all ain’t even good mothers. Ain’t good mothers at all. Your baby at home right now alone. Your baby sleepy and crying, just waking up to… “l don’t want to watch cartoons no more!” All I’m saying is there’s more to raising these motherfuckers than being at the mall dressed alike, fellas. That’s all I’m saying. It’s a job raising these motherfuckers. First of all, if you a parent, you gonna be tired. It ain’t shit you can do about it. My son wake up at 5:30 every motherfucking morning. He don’t give a shit about weekends, weekdays, national holidays, Katt Williams Day, what time Daddy got home. At 5:30 every morning, he is up. And not only is he up at an ungodly hour, he ain’t got no job. He ain’t got no bills. He ain’t got no stress. So not only is he up before Jesus and the Mexicans, he is happy. He is happier than a motherfucker for no apparent reason. Just every morning at 5:30 he just, “Good morning, Daddy! “Time for some cereal.” This is bullshit. I could put that n i g g a to bed at 5:28. At 5:30 he just, “Good morning, Daddy! “Time for some cereal.” Shit! If you’ve got young kids, just take my advice and be happy at whatever level your child is on. Because as parents we always want our kids to be doing some shit they ain’t doing. Like when my son couldn’t talk, all the fuck I wanted him to do was to talk. Didn’t nobody tell me that once this n i g g a started talking, he would be qualified to ask me 500 motherfucking questions back to motherfucking back, while we wait at a stoplight. This n i g g a just in the car, just… “Why is the McDonald’s sign yellow, Daddy? “What part of the chicken is a chicken nugget, Daddy? “What’s the difference between barbecue sauce and hot sauce? “ls barbecue sauce just sweet and tangy and hot sauce ain’t tangy? “What is tangy, Daddy? Is that kind of like sour but it ain’t sour? “Why you crying, Daddy? Why you crying?” “l don’t know shit!” That’s my motherfucking n i g g a, though. You just gotta figure your kids out. You got to figure your kids out. I know some of y’all been letting your kids stress you. Do not let your kids stress you. You gotta understand the world is against you and your baby. The world is about money, making money. They don’t give a fuck about you raising your children. Commercials are 30 to 60 seconds long. Your child’s attention span is 30 to 60 seconds long. That’s why they want everything. You can go to the store and buy your child everything in the toy store on aisle 7. I swear before God, he’ll get to aisle number 8 and be like, “But, Daddy, this wasn’t even in there.” You just gotta figure out how to deal with your kids. I tell my son the truth. I agree with whatever can be agreed with. I know that n i g g a want everything, but I understand he just want me to know. He don’t expect it. This is him for an hour, watching TV, just… “l love that bicycle, Daddy. You see that bicycle? “It got a bell and everything. I like bells. I might as well just ring it. “Ding, ding. You’d know I’m in the driveway when I ring it. “That movie come out Friday, Daddy. We gonna be here Friday. “We might as well see the movie Friday. “I love Pokemon, Daddy. “Pikachu! I love Pikachu, Daddy. “That’s Froot Loops. Got vitamin C for boys and for girls. “l love vitamin C, Daddy.” This is me for an hour, “Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. “Tomorrow, n i g g a, you never know. “Yep. Yep.” At the end of the hour, I ain’t bought shit. He ain’t got shit. We both happier than a motherfucker, sitting on the couch. I’m just saying, do not let your kids stress you out. See, I don’t know how you raise your kids. We all raise our kids different, and I know a lot of comics mess with white people and tell white people they need to beat their kids. But let me tell you something. It ain’t that. It ain’t like n i g g a s got it all down pat when it come to raising kids. We all got problems. We just got different problems. It would seem like white people are a little bit too lenient on their children and n i g g a s are a bit too harsh on ours. All I’m saying is at the white family’s house, you can get time out for setting the family dog on fire. At the n i g g a household, you can get beat half to death for forgetting to feed the family dog. Now, that’s the same goddamn dog. We just do shit differently. But white people, please take this back to your community. Please stop putting your children on them goddamn leashes. That is just entertainment for n i g g a s. We… Oh, we can’t wait to see that shit in the store. We get right by the register, just… That’s why white little kids wake up and grow up to be twenty-six and kill everybody in the family, ’cause you done had them on the leash like a dog. They just in the toy store, just, “l want it. I want it. I…” Now, black people laughing like we got the shit down pat. We ain’t no good, neither. You got to stop beating your motherfucking kids in the goddamn grocery store. You just in the checkout line, soon as your baby touch the Skittles, you… “Didn’t I tell you not…” “Just… Ma’am, that baby is a toddler. “You can’t beat that…” Just saying, don’t let your kids stress you out. I don’t know how you raise your kids, but I’m a pimp. Not because I put women on the street. I think pimp, therefore I am. I see some n i g g a s writing it down. Feel free. Feel free. So, the first rule of pimping is you don’t lie. So I don’t lie to my son about nothing. He’s nine. He ain’t never believed in Santa Claus. I’m sorry. I cannot afford for him to walk around thinking there’s a white man going though the ghetto, giving n i g g a s PlayStations. “No, no. Daddy bought that with his weed money, baby. “Can you say ‘sacrifice’?” Sacrifice. We have real conversations. That n i g g a came to me a few months ago. He said, “Daddy, I want an Xbox.” I said, “Sit right here, pimpin. “Let Daddy holler at you. “Now, the first thing I need you to understand is the Xbox “is $199.99. “Now, Daddy can do this all day, every day. No problem. “But I need you to understand it only comes with one controller. “That mean Daddy can’t play with you. Your friends can’t play with you. “It’s just you. “That mean I gotta buy another controller at $34.95. “Now, Daddy can do this all day, every day. No problem. “But I need you to understand it only come with two demo games. “You gonna be through with them motherfuckers tonight. “That mean I got to buy four or five other games at $45 to $55 apiece. “Now, Daddy can do this all day, every day. No problem. “Or I can look in the newspaper under the classified section “and I can get you what’s known as a Nintendo 64. “Now, it’s not gonna be new. “So it’s gonna come with, like, 20 games “that other kids have already opened and played with to make sure it’s fun. “Then me and you got, like, $300 left over. “We can go all across the country stopping ice-cream trucks. “Buy six nuggets. Don’t eat six. Eat three. “Throw the other three out the window, “’cause we don’t give a fuck, ’cause we got money like that.” And that n i g g a sit right there, make a pimp decision. He’s just, “You say 20 games? “Well, we’re just going to get the Nintendo, then, Daddy.” That’s my motherfucking n i g g a! Make a pimp decision! When the new Jordans come out, I take that n i g g a to the Foot Locker with the rest of the children, and let him try them on. “No, they tight. They tight. “All right, I want you to do me a favor. “l want you to run down this aisle real quick. I’m gonna time you. “On your mark, “get set, go! “Five seconds! Five seconds! “That was good. That was good. Take them off. Put them off. “Come with Daddy to Payless. I want to show you something. “l want to show you something. “Now, put the Batmans on. Put the Batmans on. “Make sure the Velcro is tight. Make sure the Velcro is tight. “On your mark, get set, go! “Three seconds! All I’m saying is you’re faster in the Batmans. “Now, sit right here, pimpin. Let Daddy holler at you. “Now, if you want the Jordans, “Daddy gonna get you the Jordans all day, every day. No problem. “But for the same price as the Jordans, “you can get the Batmans, the Robins, the Pokemons, the Digimons, “You can get… These don’t have no name, but they light up every time you walk. “Just every step you take.” And that n i g g a bling-bling out the store. He just… Just saying, don’t let your kids fuck with you. I learned my lesson. Some of y’all do all your Christmas shit, don’t get around paying the bills till October. October 19, you still paying off shit from last Christmas, ’cause you trying to keep up with white people. Fuck that. Keep up with your budget. You ain’t got to spend all that money. These is children. You know, the same kids that play with sticks and bricks? Yes, the same motherfucking kids. You done spent $1,300 dollars on Christmas. Them motherfuckers don’t even play with it after the batteries run out. This is bullshit. You need to go to the 99-cent store and buy them 100 toys. They ain’t gonna be name brand, and they gonna tear up in a week, but any child got to be happy about 99 motherfucking toys. My son was all under the tree, just, “Daddy! Daddy!” N i g g a didn’t even open them. He just went to sleep. Just… “l know my daddy love me. I know my daddy love me. “l know my daddy love me.” Just saying, life is short. Gotta work on your relationships. If you in a bad relationship right now, you can end that motherfucker tonight. End it tonight. Life is too short for you to be in a fucked-up relationship. Just tonight, when the show is over, just walk right past your vehicle and keep on going. Just, “No, I’m done. I’m done. Thank you.” Go right on down Fifth. Just… ‘Cause life is too short. Women, I know… I know you all been talking about n i g g a s ain’t shit. I know you been saying it. I been hearing you. That’s not the case. On behalf of all n i g g a s here this evening, I want you to know it’s just been a misunderstanding. Y’all just don’t understand us. We are simple. Women, y’all think too much, put too much pressure on yourself, pay attention to too many magazines. N i g g a s don’t give a shit about most of that stuff y’all be worried about. “Oh, I think I’m gaining some weight, and I got to get…” Every… Every magazine a woman reads say that you ain’t shit. Just every one. “You still wearing them shoes? Bitch, you ain’t shit. You ain’t shit. “ls that the makeup you’re still wearing? Bitch, you ain’t shit.” I think I can speak for all n i g g a s when I say we don’t give a fuck about most of that shit. It ain’t a n i g g a in here that ever been ready to fuck a woman and then change his mind ’cause she had on the wrong toenail polish. It has never happened in the history of mankind. Just, “Oh, hell no. Is that plum? No, that’s plum, bitch. “No, not plum and red. I can’t do that. I can’t.” Women, you just gotta remember, men are simple. We are simple. We just want to work and fuck and eat. And not necessarily in that order. ‘Cause if a n i g g a can fuck, we ain’t even hungry. “I’m okay. I’m okay. “l ate yesterday. It was okay. You got a Tic-Tac or something? “A Tic-Tac would be nice.” We just tired of women confusing us. Women, stop confusing us. We are simple. We are tired of being at the club, you got a woman dancing all on you, just… Done dance the crease out of the n i g g a’s pants. Just… Now, after the club, we excited as a motherfucker. We on the car like this. [Laughing] [Clearing throat] “So what’s cracking?” And y’all turn into a different motherfucker. Y’all just… [Gasping] “What kind of girl did you think I was?” “l thought you were a whore. “You were a whore over there. I assumed you’d be a whore over here. “Did we cross the no-ho line? What the fuck happened?” I know women be bothered by simple shit. Women don’t like it when a man buy them a drink and then follow them all over the club all night. Clap if you hate that, women. Do you hate that? [Clapping] See, once again, this is just a simple misunderstanding. I am not following you, bitch. I am following my $7 investment in our relationship. Now, if you don’t want the drink, then just say, “No, thank you.” But don’t take my investment and run off with it. You done hop in the car with another n i g g a. Now, I’m in the parking lot, just… “Uh, yeah, can I holler at you, player? “Either you or her owe me $3.50. That’s all I’m saying. “lt could be you. It could be her. It could be her. It could be you. It…” Before I get out of here, I gotta say something that’s going to be a bit controversial. But I been thinking about it, and it really needs to be said. [MAN TALKlNG] Hold on one second. [PEOPLE SHOUTlNG] Thank you ever so much. I heard a voice with some bass in it. I just wanted to acknowledge that. What did you say, sir? [MAN SHOUTlNG] Pimp in distress! Yes, pimp in distress. 10-32. I know my hairdresser is quite frustrated. I done sweated out every goddamn curl that bitch put in, just 38 seconds. [WOMAN SHOUTlNG] Braid it! [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG] Hairdressers be throwing out gang signs in Cincinnati. Yo. What y’all got, like, 100 hair salons? WOMAN: Yeah. What’s the name of the best one? [WOMEN SHOUTlNG] No, that just where you go. That’s just where you go. All right, I gotta say this. I want you to know before I say this that a third of the n i g g a s in here are not going to be happy about what the fuck I’m getting ready to say. But I want you know that I have been this size all of my life, which means I’m not scared of shit, n i g g a. I’ve been unconscious before, and it wasn’t that bad. I woke up in the club, n i g g a, I was well rested and everything. Start talking shit, “Well, where’s the n i g g a now? “N i g g a can’t get a power nap in this bitch?” And remember that this is just my opinion. As far as I’m concerned, there only two types of n i g g a s, real n i g g a s and bitch n i g g a s. Now… Now, if you’re not sure where you fit in, chances are you’s a bitch n i g g a. You really are. If you look around, there’s people looking at you right now talking about, “What is that bitch n i g g a smiling about?” But as real n i g g a s, we have always known that there were bitch n i g g a s. We see them in the mall all the time. They be waving, and you be, like, “What is this bitch n i g g a waving at?” But now bitch n i g g a s are becoming a problem for real n i g g a s. Bitch n i g g a s are now starting to cost real n i g g a s money. You see, there are more lesbians now than there have ever been. And most of that is the fault of bitch n i g g a s. You can’t blame her. She been with bitch n i g g a after bitch n i g g a after bitch n i g g a after bitch n i g g a. And finally she, like, “Why don’t I just be with a bitch, n i g g a?” And you can’t blame her. You can’t blame her. But bitch n i g g a s don’t respect women at all. They don’t understand this is not 1996. “I’m gonna get mine. I hope you get yours.” If a woman should be so kind as to offer you some pussy, it is your obligation to fuck the shit out of her at every opportunity that you get. Ah, but the bitch n i g g a don’t get it. And the bitch n i g g a is starting to cost real n i g g a s money now. ‘Cause now you done went over her house and fucked it up. And now, before you can get in your car, she is already on the phone with a real n i g g a. Now this n i g g a got to get up out his bed, go all the way across Cincinnati to fix some shit you didn’t have no business fucking with, with your bitch ass in the first place, and gas prices are too high for that type of shit. Now… Now, I know that there are some real n i g g a s in the audience right now who are mad at me right now, ’cause they don’t understand why I’m wasting my time and my breath talking to bitch n i g g a s. But what you don’t understand is you don’t have to be a bitch n i g g a all your life. After the show you can get with one of these real n i g g a s in the audience and let them tutor you on Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays, till you get some of that bitch out your uterus. Now, listen to me carefully, if you would, bitch n i g g a s. The first thing you need to understand, bitch n i g g a… See the bitch n i g g a s paying attention? The first thing you need to understand, bitch n i g g a s, is the first nut is slippery. It’s not just you. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes the first nut just has a mind of its own. You can have the best intentions in the world, just… “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of… Ah, hell no. I don’t believe this shit.” Now, if you’re a real n i g g a, you’d never even let her know what just happened. You just, “You are not ready yet. You are not ready yet. “I’m gonna eat your pussy again. I’m gonna eat your pussy again. “You are not ready for this.” There’s some women in here mad, right now. “ls that what he was doing?” Yes, you are fucking with a real n i g g a. Now, since you know that the first nut is slippery, it is your obligation to get that motherfucker out the way before you get to her house. You need to be on the highway working that motherfucker out. Just… That way, by the time you get to her house, you are already on nut number two. And I think I speak for all real n i g g a s in attendance today when I say there is nothing more powerful than arriving at her house already on nut number two. You don’t be bullshitting. You just, “Go on and lay down. Go on and lay down.” “You might want to wrap your hair up this evening. “You might want to wrap your hair up.” Now, listen to me carefully, if you would, bitch n i g g a s. Now, once you have put on your condom and you are safely inside, the only word that should be in your head is “concentration”. You don’t have time to be looking in her eyes and caressing her softly and smelling that raspberry shit she got from Bed, Bath & Beyond. You need to be looking at everything in her house but her. Just keep your focus. Just… Sing a little song to yourself off-key to keep you focused. Just… A, B, C, D, E, F, G Now listen carefully, bitch n i g g a, If you feel it starting to slip away, remember that this is a one-man sport. You make all the rules. Do not be ashamed to get out of the pussy and get yourself together if you feel it’s starting to slip away. Just, A, B, C, D E, F, G, H, I Pay attention to me, if you would, bitch n i g g a. Now, I know… I know, because I’m moving so quickly, I haven’t had time to talk about eating the pussy, and I know that that makes the bitch n i g g a think that maybe you don’t have to do it. But, see, it’s that type of thinking right there that qualifies you to be a bitch n i g g a in the first place. Yeah, see, yeah, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I… See, real n i g g a s know something that bitch n i g g a s have never ever found out. Oh, it’s so quiet right now, you could hear a bitch n i g g a drop, ain’t it? See, real n i g g a s know I’m not eating the pussy for you. Oh, no. No, no. [SPEAKlNG GlBBERlSH] Holler it out, then. If you understand what I’m saying. I’m not eating the pussy for you. I’m eating the pussy for me. See, I don’t need the pussy. I know for a fact you already came twice. I felt you when you clenched up on the motherfucker and damn near suffocated me. Now I have the rare opportunity of surprising you with the dick. You forgot all about the dick. You just… “You brought dick, too? “Oh, my God, girl. This n i g g a brought dick, too.” Pay attention to me, if you would, bitch n i g g a. Now, once you’ve been doing it correctly for about 27 and three-quarter minutes, you are going to start to feel a pain in your side Iike you been exercising. Now, I know that this is ordinarily where the bitch n i g g a just go on and call it a day, but if you can manage to fuck through the pain… See, she don’t know you in pain. She think you a genius and are hitting it from the side. So continue to hit through the pain, because 14 minutes after that, your body is going to go into autopilot. And I think I speak for all real n i g g a s in attendance today when I say there is nothing more wonderful than feeling your body go into autopilot. ‘Cause now you got time to have fun with her. You got time to enjoy yourself. You got time to do stupid shit like look at your own dick. Now, look around at the confused look on the bitch n i g g a’s face right now. I think I speak for all real n i g g a s in attendance today when I say there’s nothing more wonderful than looking at your own dick. You just see that motherfucker, just… Some of you n i g g a s can’t do it no way, ’cause you got to be so close on the pussy. You just… Y’all been all that. I’m Katt. Thanks for the time. The show was great. I did not stop laughing at all. It was hilarious. I enjoyed… Two thumbs up. Double thumbs up. It was very funny. Hilarious. It was a good show. Just couldn’t believe it. Definitely enjoyed… Hey, Katt Williams, he the next truth. All right? Understand that. So every time you hear he coming to your city, you need to buy tickets. If you don’t buy tickets, you gonna hear about it. We loved the show. It was great. Everything was wonderful. And plus, you’re a beautiful woman, so that made us love it more. It was all good. I’m a rapper. Plus, I’m a rapper, though. Oh, the show was outstanding, man. We’ll come back anytime. Had a great time. That motherfucker funny, dawg. Fuck it. My man Katt Williams is the best. Had a good time tonight, me and my family. We had a wonderful time at the comedy spot. God bless you, my n i g g a. Keep doing the work. Thought the show was hilarious, Katt. Everybody else that performed tonight, it was real, you know, real entertaining. I loved it. Pretty much that’s it. It was fun. It was good. It was good. He was real good. He was really good. He was very, very funny. He’s different from the movies. He’s gonna be an up-and-rising big-star comedian. He’s good. Very good. Most definitely the best comic view I done seen in a minute. He tricked me. ’cause I didn’t know he was that good. The man is excellent. Everybody check him out for sure. It was wonderful. I really did enjoy myself, you know. I had a few Budweisers, had to keep coming in and out. but every time I made it back in, I was always laughing. You know what I’m saying? It was a good show. He looked good, had on… Was it the A1s? A1s? No, they weren’t the A1s. Those were the Als. It was… Them was the Jordans. Yeah, the special editions, the XlXs. Okay, okay, okay. The show was great. You couldn’t… You know, you gotta see it. They were really, really good. Everything was original. It was great. It was really, really great. I got a mother on the block. Hey. Right, yeah, it was real good. Yeah, I had a good time. I enjoyed myself. It felt good to see somebody from Cincinnati coming back and give us something back, yeah. And I am from Avondale, too, so… It felt good to see somebody making a comeback. Here’s where I was born. Christ Hospital. Right here. Yeah. Nineteen hours. That’s how long my mama was in labor. Nineteen hours. And I still didn’t come out. I had a twin brother, and me and him was fighting. It was a fight till death and I choked him with my umbilical cord. That’s what I thought. Later on I found out I was born without an umbilical cord, so I can’t really tell you what I choked him with. But I will tell you he died a painful death. And that’s why, as most comedians will tell you, whether they like me or not, I’m stronger than the average man. I’m twice the comedian your favorite comedian probably is, and that’s ’cause I’m really twins. You got the story right here at the foot of historic Christ Hospital. This is where it all happened. I can remember this. I was here since I was five months, so, you know, the memories are flooding in on me right now. I believe I stood right here as a baby. I think I fell right… Hold on. Hold on. It’s coming to me now. If you look on that sign over there it says, “Kennedy Plaza. Includes heat and water.” So you know you’re moving up. When you come here, you got heat and water from the beginning. Then there’s a sign over there that say, “No trespassing, except residents and guests.” So unless you live here, or are visiting, because… [Dog whining] Here come what? Ladies and gentlemen, you will only see this in a black neighborhood. Hey, there. Hold on. This is why black people don’t buy dogs. You ain’t got to buy no dog. You see the dog just walked up here? It’s a fine dog. Sit. He’s trained. Look at him, watch. Sit. Yeah, he’s sitting. See that? This is a beautiful dog. That’s a premium shepherd. -Look at that. Did he sit? Cameraman: He did. This is trained. This is why black people don’t have to buy dogs. ‘Cause they will run up to you. Let’s… Are you hungry, by the way? Yeah. Yeah, come on. Let’s find out where you belong. Let’s go. Never a dull moment in the hood. Come on, boy. Let’s find out where you belong. It’s so sad. Where you belong, huh? Where you belong? Anybody lose a dog? We’ll have to chain this dog to the fire hose, to the fire department water-fountain thing. There you go. It’s the best you can do. What else am I supposed to do, hmm? We’re here live in Cincinnati. We’re getting ready to go to the place that I lived when I was two years old. Now, I could lie and tell you I remember it, but I don’t. I remember didn’t nobody ever feed me. I was hungry all the time. I was two years old, eating chili. And it was spicy for a baby. A baby is not supposed to eat chili. But they fed me chili, and that’s how I grew up big and strong right here on these streets. So, we gonna walk around. We gonna see what’s out here. Be very careful. Be very afraid. We might see a pit bull, a German shepherd, a crackhead. Ain’t no telling what we might find on these streets today. We come here to play ball. [Shouting] DJ: How did you get into the business? It was in Tampa, Florida, and, um, I was, like, the only black guy in the whole town. It was right outside of Tampa in a place called Ruskin. And so I just did five minutes talking about me being the only member of the black community. That the whole black community was me. And that people would drive by and show their friends the black community. So… But I only had five minutes, and I only needed five minutes. So it worked out well. Well, there’s only one way. I mean, you… Obviously, you have to think that you are funny going in, but the audience is the judge. It’s not hard to become a comedian at all. You can walk on stage and get booed off stage, and still call yourself a comic. What’s hard is becoming one of the great ones. So, I already knew that we were facing a touchy situation. On the other hand, you know, I’m not affiliated with the government. I get to come in as an innocent bystander in the whole thing. I’m not… I’m not crossing your line. I’m not crossing this line. Billy Cunningham. My guest for the next segment is the honorable actor/comedian Katt Williams, starring in a comedy special in Cincinnati, September 25, to be filmed for TV and DVD. Katt Williams, welcome to the Bill Cunningham show. Thank you, sir. 700 WLW. I understand you were born in Cincinnati, and now I’m holding a proclamation. This is unbelievable. Is that unbelievable? I don’t have my own day, but you do. Yes. “The mayor of the City of Cincinnati does hereby declare September 24, which is today, “as Katt Williams Day.” What did you do to get this, if anything? …he was down here and I promised him the next time he comes back to the city that I was going to make sure that I give him a key. Well, unfortunately, the city ran out of keys, but, as I promised your assistant, that when they come in I am going to mail them. But since we can’t give you a key, what we have done is decided -to give you a proclamation. Much better. And we’re going to proclaim this your day. Billy: What does it mean when you get a day? What does this mean? You get to speed? You get to pick up girls? What does this exactly mean? Katt: Well, I was doing those on the other days, so I was hoping that it still continues. Billy: This is something special, then? I’m gonna read a couple of lines. I’ll put on my glasses in case I tear up. Exactly. Can we have a napkin, please? Tissue. “Whereas Katt Williams was born in Cincinnati, Ohio on September 2.” That’s a… September 2. I share the same month. My birthday is on Sunday, so I’m going to be celebrating, bringing your birthday in. And I know Jill’s birthday is tomorrow, so it’s great to have many September birthdays this month. “Do hereby proclaim -“that in Cincinnati, September 24… That’s right. “…and on behalf of the Mayor and its over 300,000 citizens, “do hereby proclaim Katt Williams Day.” [Crowd cheering and applauding] That’s beautiful. See that? Look at that. Oh, I’m so proud right now. This is my day. I’m gonna be doing some… Misdemeanors is happening today. [Crowd cheering] That is such an honor, really, for him to come here today. It is. But, you know, I always try to look at the positive things and not the negative things. And it’s truly an honor to have him here today and really try and overlook… And moving forward to the new and improved Cincinnati. Bye. See you later. Chris: You know, I applaud you for that, especially remembering home. A lot of people don’t. They kind of leave where they say they’re from, and then they never want to come back and give back, which is good ’cause you bringing in some healing, ’cause I… Comedy is healing to me. You know, when I want to go get something off my mind, I go to a comedy show. Katt: Right. -You know, ’cause it makes you laugh. For you to come here and bring some healing, that’s, like, wow. You should be applauded for that. I appreciate that. Yeah, I mean, I can’t fix the problems. I just got some Bactine and some Band-Aids. That’s my job. I can’t heal you, but I can put a little… I can put a little salve on it for a second.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Patrice O’Neal: Elephant in the Room (2011) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/patrice-oneal-elephant-in-the-room-2011-full-transcript/

[Light funk music] * [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m thanking one in particular. Bad titties in the front row. Thank you so much. Thank you, audience coordinator, for putting those titties up in the front row. God bless you. Those are distracting me. I was s’posed to come out, “oh, hey, hello.” Henh. Meh. Meh, meh. Meh, yeah. Oh, y’all here? Yeh, huh, meh. [Growls] You look lovely, though, by the way. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Congratulations, my friend. I’m glad y’all here. It’s very good. Yo, congratulations to you, my friend. Look at that white woman you’re with. God damn! That n i g g a behind you going, “yeah, son, I’m wit’ my girl, but yo, for real?” That white woman’s amazing, isn’t she? Tell the truth! He’s wit’ his black girlfriend, like, “naw, I don’t– I don’t know.” But that, she’s high level. That’s a high level white woman right there. That white woman is– that is– man, oh, man, oh, man! Black woman get mad at that. But that is top shelf white woman right there. You know how you can tell how pretty a white woman is? The value? You look at her, and then you wonder how long they would look for her if she was missing. [Laughter and applause] Come on, take a look. Take a look. Look at this n i g g a lookin’. Look, look, look, look! Oo-ooooo. I saw you look mad, sweetie. How long, if you was missin’, how long you think they would– how long you think– exac– she don’t even– she went– you know the deal. I ain’t saying nothin’ wrong. White woman’s life is valuable. What’s his name, Joran van der Sloot? Right? We found out he was a serial kill– man, he kills women. That’s what he do. He do it well, you know what I mean? We know the girl that he– that he, you know, supposedly had, uh– what’s the girl in Aruba? Natalee Holloway. Right? But the one– he just killed a girl in Peru. What’s her name? Um… Exactly. Look how fast you said Natalee. You said Natalee! * Natalee-e-e * Hollowa-a-a-ay * that angellll y’all said that like Family Feud. A’ight, name a white girl been missing for five years in Aruba. Ff–Natalee Holloway! Survey says… Name a Peruvian girl that was killed yesterday. What is that big-head, third world Peruvian bitch’s name? Has to be Yorris or something goofy. Don’t get mad at yourself. I gave it to you. You saw how fast she said Natalee Holloway. Diana Ross right here said Nat– she knew her name! Ha! [Hoarse feminine voice] “That white girl was Natalee Holloway!” Man, you caught yourself a whoo! God bless you, man. That is high level, right there. Don’t be ashamed of it, gorgeous. She mad as hell. [Nasal effeminate voice] “Fuck that white bitch. Nuh, nuh, nuh.” You know–come on. Come on. Ain’t nobody lookin’ for you. I might look for ya. But the news ain’t. You– [grunts] You think Fox is reporting you missing? Let’s be honest. Nancy grace? She lead story on Nancy Grace for the next six months. Look at ‘er. Look, look, look, look. I’m lookin’ at her ’cause she mad as hell. Black woman don’t like that shit. But it is what it is. Let’s be– ain’t gotta be like that. Let’s just– let’s be honest. That little girl that went missing, um– she was sailing? Little girl that went sailing, oh, forgot her damn name. But she went sailing and went missin’ in the Indian ocean, okay? And they spent… Good lord. Her mast broke, and she was floatin’ around. And she gave out her little signal, her beacon. They looked for her– they spent $500,000, like, tax money, to search for her. Now, if that’s my daughter, I want that to happen too. But–but… If you go sailing… Let’s be honest, how long you think– are they gonna spend five– come on. Remember– hey, remember football players in Miami went missing? They went sailing. They looked for them for eight minutes. Maybe. They just sent somebody at the edge of the beach. “I don’t– “I don’t see ’em. “We have to call off the search “’cause there’s too much sun. “Uh, this sun, “the conditions are abnormally… difficult.” If I go sailing, I’m taking a white baby on a keychain with me. Ha, ha! If my boat go down, they gon’ find me. I’ma have it hooked right to the side of my belt. And I’ma dress the baby real white too. I’ma, uh, put sweatpants on it and a pair of Ugg boots, and I’ma take a picture. Look at this white baby. You don’t come get me, this white baby goin’ down with me. I hate how much fun black people can have racially, man. It’s just– I can say anything I goddamn want, racially. And white people have to sit there and take it. “Yeah, oh, I am evil, yes.” See, it’s like, come on, man. I-I don’t even say it ’cause of that. I, like– I-I-I love– I love a little racial– look, man, you know. Let’s be fair. I mean– [sighs] Honesty’d be nicer with the racial game. I mean, it–it–it– I like to st–ho– you know, white people about being honest about, uh, Obama. You gave it a shot. You did. You gave it a two-year shot. Like, “oh, yeah, I tried. I tried to– we tried to–” but you– it’s not– it’s not–it’s just f– it fell apart. It really– it really did. And I’ma tell you something you don’t know about black folks. We would be on your side, uh, you know, talkin’ to white people. We would be on your side a lot more if you would, uh, you know, just not ever talk about how you feel about anything racial. We’ll catch up to you. Now, serious. ‘Cause black people on the edge of going, “what the fuck is Obama doing?” But it’s too many white people outwardly hating him, so we can’t. We go, “if you shut the fuck– if you shut up, I’ll be your gangsta.” I’m like, “stop– stop having rallies and all kinds of stuff.” I’m telling you, I’m this close to– I’m mad at him ’cause I thought I would have a white slave by now. I thought– I thought it was vengeance day. Thought I’d have me a white family. Big ol’ fat white girl gon’ warm my bed up. “Get upstairs, Susan. “Warm my bed up. “Feed my baby wit’ your giant white titties. “And I’m gonna go outside “and stare your husband in the face and decide whether I’m gonna sell him or not.” “Now, you know your wife’s upstairs, “warmin’ up my bed. “You know that, right? Ph–Ph–Phillip.” That’s uncomfortable, isn’t it? That’s uncom– that’s uncomfortable. I apologize. That’s uncomfortable. Can’t we move on? We’ll move on. We’ll move on to somethin’. They don’t even like that in play. That’s uncomfortable, right? To think about that? But you know. What you gonna do? I like havin’– look, day– my days are numbered. So I just wanna have as much fun as possible, you know what I mean? I’m–I’m 40, and, uh, and that’s–that’s– that’s young in everyone else years. But, uh, in black years– I got, you know, high blood pressure. Diabetes. I am, uh– if you do the black-to-white life ratio, I’m a hundred… and seventy-seven year old. I’m old as a motherfu– I’m old. And I wanna live, but here’s where I messed up. I messed up my young years. And I realized something. I’ma tell you, if you’re over 40, and you’re trying to better yourself, just–just sto– i–it–just–just– you’re not gonna better yourself. And when I say you’re not gonna better yourself, I mean better yourself like go back to when– you try to capture the things you used to do when you supposed to had did it, but you didn’t do it. You feel me? So the stuff that you were 18 and didn’t do, now you’re 40, and you’re going, “I’m gonna make a chan–” it’s just– it nothin’ make me sick more than somebody 40 and say they in school. Like, “what you doing?” “I’m–I’m going to school, blah.” [Geezer voice] “you’re never too young to– never too old, and never too bl-bl-bl.” Whole bunch of sayings. [Babbling incoherently] Shut the fu– the fuck up wit’ your old horse shit. ‘Cause it ain’t– you’re old. Your brain don’t work. Your body don’t work. You can’t change your ethic. There might be two of you that changed your ethic. Like these fat people shows that are on tv. Where they got people, “uugggh.” Soon as that show is over, they’re fat again. Big fat fats. Fatty, that’s what you are. I went to exercise recently, and I tried to change my life and exercise. After I finished, I was saying to myself, “I gotta do this tomorrow?” Like, nothing changed. I still got s– a lump. I don’t care what it was. Something shoulda changed. Nothing. And I gotta keep doing this until maybe I see a change. I just can’t. I don’t have that ethic anymore. I shoulda did it when I was 18 years old. Like, I can’t type. But I didn’t realize how important typing was till right now. I fucked up all my good typing years calling people gay who was going to typing class. It was, like, me and six other dudes, like, “what you doing, typ– “you wanna be a secretary? What the–? “What kinda pussy–? “Man, man, come on, man. Let’s go, uh, steal bread.” We used to go steal bread and lunchmeat from the supermarket and make sandwiches and sell ’em during typing class. And now I can’t type. If you can’t type, and you try to be in a world with people who can, you–you– you feel irrelevant. You stop, you know? You say hello to some woman on the internet. “Hi.” And she come back with the seven-page memo. Like, “hello,” whap! You be like, really? For real? All those words? You saw me type, “hello.” And I yelled it, evidently. I–in big letters, it was saying hello. Really, seriously, you think I said, “hello! Hiiii, bitch! Hiiiii!” Is that what you think I did, for real? Yeah, really? Just send smiley faces, that’s all I do. I know smiley emoticons. I know. I love those. Like, I can’t spell– if I had to spell restaurant, to this day, right, to save my mama’s life, like, if– like if somebody held my mama hostage and had a gun to her head, right, and says, “n i g g a, spell restaurant. “Man, I will– I’ma shoot your mother in the head.” I’d be like– I would look at my mother like, “uh, I love you. You better look at me, ma.” She’s crying, “wahhh.” “Understand that I– I love you with all my heart.” “Stop stallin’, n i g g a!” “Okay, all right, all right. “All right!” All right, all right, all right, all right. R-e-s-t… Oh, my god. Here’s where it gets– oh, Jesus Christ. Uh… There’s a ooh– it’s a ooh–uh– rest-ooh. Stoooooh-rant. Rah-went. R-rrrruant. Is the–it’s an a or a u. “A’ight, gimme another– “gimme another word, man. “Gimme another word. One more word. “Just give my mother a chance to live. “‘Tomorrow’? Shit, shit, shit.” “Probably”? God da– “banana”? A’ight, banana, banana. B-a-n– b-a-n-n– a-n-n-n– is it– ain’t there, like, seven ns in “banana”? B-a-n-n-a-n-n… A-n-n-n-n…. A-a-n-a? N-a? I’m, uh, irrelevant. How old are you, bro? 35. 35, Five years. Eh. How you feeling? You feeling– you feeling a’ight? [Inaudible] you feel like these young guys of, you know– you a football fan? [Inaudible] all your– your whole life? You notice how football’s whack now? Things are changing. It seems like– look, this–this may be old thinking, okay? Now, when I came up– you a football fan? No? That’s a–like– he’s not. Like, what dude, like– that shocked me. Like, dudes are football fans. [Effeminate voice] “Oh, I don’t. It’s a little too violent.” Like– like– football… It’s not like the game it– when I came up, dude, football was a gla– it was gladiators. It was angry. It was angry. It was just– like, when we hit somebody, when I played, if you hit somebody and he didn’t get up, like, we didn’t hold hands with the– with the other team and pray. Like, hold hands and all– everyone prays for him to get up. We used to do a Indian, like, sell a hump dance circle around him, like, “man, look at you. Uh, uh.” [Barking] I be like– and our crowd’s like, [singsong] * he’s para-ly-yzed that’s right. Ho, ho, ho! We be lookin’ for his mother crying, like, “that’s right, lady. “That’s what you get for lettin’ him out here “with killers. “He can’t even wiggle his toes. “Take his socks. Take his socks.” And we would tie his socks around our helmet for the next week’s– like, the next team. They knew, “awww, that’s the team “that be tyin’ paralyzed n i g g a s’ socks around they helmets to scare ’em next week.” And then– it ain’t like… We were thinking about harming somebo– it’s just, that’s what we did. Right? Oh, look at this guy, just– look at this fuckin’ crew right here. You guys are hilarious. You okay, guy? You all right? You late for some test you’re gonna have at 1:00 in the morning? Huh, intelligence face? Are you a big football fan? You like football? Yeah. You are? Sorta? I don’t think so. I think you saw me tease this guy. I’m just tryin’ to get us to understand, man, that you the future, okay? I’m done. But they’re takin’ away– I’m a neanderthal, okay? They’re taking away what I used to just automatically think and feel, and now they’re just taking it away from you, so now even you look at dudes like me, like, older dudes, and go, “oh, you’re–” it’s like self-policing. Men go, “oh, that’s not– you shouldn’t– sss.” Like, “inappropriate” is a vaginal word. Like, that’s not a word. [Snooty voice] “That is inappropriate.” Like, is that coming from a man? Like, women say that. That’s women’s job, is to say, [nasal voice] “that’s just–that’s–” [babbling] like, that’s– men are supposed to do– we’re here to do foul things and have you go, “ohhh!” But now what’s– where’s the balance? See, it’s–it’s– it’s ying and yang. The balance, it– you–you gotta liven up. You gotta be a little more– is that your woman right there? See, see guys? See how comfortable you are? You shouldn’t be as comfortable as you are. You just–you can see him sittin’ up, unnngh, straight. And you’re just lookin’– he’s just like– “huh-huh, hoo-hoo, whatever you laugh at, I’ll laugh at.” It’s not a good thing, brother. I feel it. Don’t get mad at me now. He’s like, “fuck you, fat f–boy.” “Can’t type or read, huh, fat man?” I’m just sayin’, man. I don’t know how to type, but I do know what I’m telling you. I’m just–just– it’s, uh– like, ladies, let’s discuss. I mean, look. Let’s discuss harassment. For a second. Let’s just– you feel it a little bit? Like, let’s just discuss it. Why can’t… I harass you? Sometimes. Sometimmmmes. I can never harass you? Never? And I’m not talkin’ about– [growls] arrrgh! Ooga-booga! Like, I’m talkin’ just… At the job. It’s unfair that I can’t harass you at the workplace. Like– you lookin’ how you lookin’, and I can’t just– a little somethin’ that has to do– like, you gotta be careful just to say, “hey, you look beautiful today.” That’s how messed up the game is. I think you should be able to comment on any part of the body that you see. If you– I’m serious. What’s your name? What’s your name? Jeannie. Now, Jeannie, no disrespect. But if I work with you, I should be able to walk in and go, “oh, Jeannie, beautiful, uh, titty meat you have there.” And– ’cause I see that. But whatever the scientific term is– I’m looking at mr. F– hey, 4.9 grade point average, what’s the– what’s the science term for, uh, t–the titty meat. What’s the actual– and it’s not the cleavage. I mean, the cleavage is the space in the middle. I’m talking ’bout the meat. The meat, the titty part. And I’m not bein’ foul. Just, you know, whoa. You know what I’m saying? Just so I can go through the rest of the day without pretending… That I don’t see what–what you– you–you understand what I’m saying? I mean, let’s work out a deal. Don’t get me f-fired. Having women work with men, right, is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon. Dipped in honey. Like, so– now, you dip the salmon in the honey, right? Grizzly bears– and the salmon get to walk through, comfortable, with honey and fish, and, “good morning, grizzly bears.” [Grunts] And the grizzly bears is like, “hey.” It ain’t even– he can’t even growl. Like, “raawwwrr, what’s up, fish?” [Growls] “Oh, my god, human resources. The grizzly bear just did grizzly bear stuff.” So– so– like, I can’t even go, “hey, good morning. “Good morning, fish. Good morning. Ohhh.” I can’t touch you. Like, “ohhh, look at that. “Ooh, I’ma just get a little bit of that fish “for a little bit. “Lemme get that honey. “Oh, my god, mmmm. “Fish and honey, man. “That’s my favorite. “Usually I kill fish and eat ’em and stuff, “but I just wanted to just rub that– “rub a little bit of that. “Mm. God damn.” That’s oppressive. Like, you shouldn’t even– and there’s cameras everywhere. You can’t do, like, weird stuff behind her back, like– why would it be disrespectful if I said– what’s your name? [Inaudible] Tyrelle. If I go, “hey, Tyrelle, we work together.” And I go, “Tyrelle, hey, do me a favor. “Let me know when you gettin’ up “to go to the bathroom so I can sniff your chair.” That’s disrespectful because it’s sexual. But that keeps me from being– like, I think–look. I think there should be a holiday. For lack of a better word, harassment day. But not– that sounds whatever. But I mean a day where I get to find out– like–because– and this is why it should be harassment day, because women get to be inappropriate sexually all the time. You get to be inappropriate. And when I say inappropriate, I mean say hello to me too close. “Hi!” Mmm-meh. Or some weird massage ’cause you think we’re friends, and you, “good morning,” a little kiss, and he’s just like, “ohhh. “Oh, boy, oh, boy. Boy, boy, boy.” And you think in your head, man, “I wonder if i– I wonder if I, you know–” but harassment day allows you to be able to ask. All year, I say the Tuesday before thanksgiving. And it’s– and it’s a beautiful day. Flowers and everything. You buy her flowers, you just real cool. You walk up, you’re respectful. You say, “hey, how are you?” You know, good afternoon to her, happy harassment day. And you just, like, say, “listen, I was wondering all year if you would suck my dick in the broom closet.” And you just be like, “no, thank you, I’m not–” and you’d be like, “I’m–thank you. “Keep the flowers. I just thought– “I made a mistake. “I thought you was a ho all year. “I was confused. I thought you was a ho, but you’re not.” Even animals, man. Animals smell it on us. They do. Animals smell something’s wrong. Like with the dog whisperer. He got animals. And I’m a animal–uh– let me say this, man. I-I’m a what they c– I don’t know what the term is for, uh, extreme animal lover. Like, I-I get sick when I see animals suffering. And I know that’s contrary to popular belief somehow. Somehow it’s spread out that black people, we– like, we hate animals. Like, we can’t stand dogs and cats. And I-I don’t get it. That’s the news doing that. ‘Cause they only show dudes that hate dogs. Like when the Vick stuff was happening. [Deep voice] “what do you think of Michael Vick and the dog?” They just show– every dude they show is like, “mm, dogs? Man, fuck dogs. “I don’t– “I’ll drown a dog in a bucket right now. “Gimme a dog. “Where’s a mo– where’s a dog at? “I’ll kill him. I hate dogs. I hate dogs.” And then they’ll show a white woman, like, tongue-kissing a dog in the mouth. Just to prove white people love dogs. And then they go back to him, and he’s mad, like, “look at this dirty white bitch, “tongue-kissing devil. “Devil bitch tongue-kissing a-a jackal “in the mouth. Devil licking jackals!” And then she’s, like, shining, like– there’s some weird war. They always want black people and white people to be at war, man, for some reason. How can you hate a– I don’t– people who hate animals– like, I-I don’t– I’m not gonna go, “I hate you.” But it–it would be hard. It takes away a piece of how close we might– if you go, “I hate animals.” Like, somebody look at a baby seal, and go, “oh, I can’t wait to hit this motherfucker in the face.” “Fuckin’ hate baby seals. “All cute. The fuck you lookin’ at, baby seal?” Like– you ever see them sad animal commercials that come on, like, during– like, 4:00 in the morning, during three’s company reruns? And they catch you out of nowhere. You be watching three’s company. And then, [high-pitched voice] * ooh hooo like– and they’ll show– it be a– like, it’ll be a kitten and they slow motion the kitten up, and the kitten– * ooh hoo-oo-oo and it’s a– kitten got a pencil in his head. Like, somebody stuck a pencil in his face. * There’s a pencil * sticking out of his * fa-a-a-ace then they put fun facts. “15,000 kittens are stabbed in the head with pencils each year.” You be like, “who is stabbing kittens “in the face with pencils? Why?” * It’s a pencil * sticking out of his * fa-a-a-ace. Then they’ll show a bunch of puppies shoved in a-a container or a cup. * Puppies in a cup * missin’ their feet * it’s wro-o-o-ong “hi, I’m white lady. I’m here to say n i g g e r s probably did it.” Fuck you, bitch, jackal-kissing ho! But I’m not saying that dogs should be equal citizens, either. I love my dogs, man, but I-I can’t– you know, it’s wrong to train ’em. And they’re outta control, and I’m not really a Cesar Millan understander. I try. I try with what they– but I-I got a westie, a little westie, and a poodle. And I love my dogs, man. I let–and I let ’em go to the bathroom on the wee-wee pad in the house, man. I don’t care. And everything’s good when they do that. ‘Cause they got little baby– you know, when they eatin’ right, the ba–the–the– they be nice, little– little– you know. I don’t have– they don’t have to scratch. They just, “ugh,” do they thing. And when they do they thing, everything’s beautiful. I go, “good boy, good girl, bow,” and everybody’s happy. But sometimes they just decide they gon’ try me and go– like, they have a meeting and go, “you know what? “Lemme see what happens “if I piss on this good rug that he bought. “Let’s see. “Why don’t you– wanna piss on his rug? “Who gonna do it? You in? Come on, one, two, three.” “A’ight, I’ll do it. I’ll do it.” And then the other one peekin’ around the corner, like, “okay, okay.” And just, “ugggh.” It’s usually the westie. ‘Cause he got the cutest look. The westie got the– got the sad, like, “what did I do?” Face. So I be like, “what are you doing? “Oh, come on, man. Why would you do that?” And he’s just, “I’m dumb. I don’t know.” I go, “go ahead, boy. Come on, man.” Everybody’s happy. And then, like, ’cause when I was younger, this is how you trained dogs. It was no s– it was easy. You just put ’em down when they first get in the house. And you just hide around a corner, you know. And you just wait. You wait till they go to the bathroom where they ain’t supposed to. And soon as they crunch up and go to the bathroom– you gotta wait till the first– and then you just run. “Mother fu– rraagggghh!” And you j– you shove his face in shit. “Aaaagh! “How’s that feel, shitty face? Your face stink. How’s that?” [Growling] “there, what?” He’s like, “what?” You choke ’em out, and he’s– he start tappin’, like, “oy.” You kick him. “Don’t shit on my rug, you mother–!” And he’ll never shit there again. Like, he may go there. But here? He’ll pull a cigarette out first, ‘fore he– dear god. “Whoo, somethin’ happened to me bad there. I’m scared to even get near there.” N i g  g a do heroine, he get near that spot. “I’ll kill you. That rug cost more than you, motherfucker!” But I’m trying to save you, man, ’cause you are the future, my friend. ‘Cause I’m finished. I’m stuck. In a relationship, done. Done. This is a man in love. Here–here’s the face of a man in love. And the face of a woman in love is like, [effeminate voice] “yea, yea. I’m in love.” But the face… Of a man in like is like, “yeah, man. I like her.” And women are like, [effeminate voice] “when are you– where is this going?” Why’s it have to go somewhere? It’s just cool right now, like– Here’s the best relationship in the world, is when the woman loves you… And the man likes her. So if I like you, and you love me, that’s perfection. Because I like like. Like is like when– that’s when he’s happy to see you and happy to hear you, and you doing things that don’t disrespect the happy. You lie about liking sports, and you do all kinda things. I know that sounds, like, ridiculous, but I’ll put it in vaginal terms for you. ‘Cause I see the faces, like, “huh?” And then guys go, “hey, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Like, but I-I– but guys do. I f–I speak fluent dude, man. I-I understand how we are. I’ma tell you why– okay, ladies, you– how many times has there been a guy in your life, or guys, where there’s been men in your life who want to sleep with you, but you didn’t want to sleep with him? Zillions. You can’t count it. So what that means, there’s a– there’s a philosophy there, meaning you are sexable. He wants to sleep with you. But just ’cause you are sexable don’t mean I’m sexable. Right? Same thing with love. Just ’cause I’m lovable… Doesn’t mean that you’re lovable too. You’re just likable to me. You didn’t do for me what I did for you to feel that way. You understand what I’m saying? It–it–it’s very simple. So if you just wait for me to love you, then you–you’ll be all right. You might have to wait a while. But men don’t have the option to muscle you like you muscle us. “You know, you’ve gotta either shit or get off the pot. “We’ve been together this many months, and it’s time for us to discover where–” like, but men don’t say nothin’ like that to muscle you, man. That’s–that’s, you know– I can’t go, “look, we’ve been going out “for a week now. “It’s–it’s–it’s, uh… “It’s time for you to roll these panties down ’cause… “It’s been too long I been buying you drinks, and you got to either shit or get off the pot.” But when your woman loves you, it’s very difficult to get past that, man. A woman’s love is so beautiful, man. Men’s love is not as beautiful. It ain’t pure, ’cause it’s work. It’s job. I look at my girl laying there, I be like, “god! Ohh, man!” I want to call out sick from love. I be like, “damn.” But she’s sleeping right there. I be wantin’ to give the call-in-sick voice. [Groans] “I can’t make it to love you today. I got a…” [Groans] but when your woman love you, man, you feel weird. I try to start arguments with my girl all the time just so that she love me less, ’cause she just– the way she love me, it’s just too much. I’m like, “damn.” It ain’t– it’s not necessary. But she loves, man. And love for a woman embodies everything. It’s like… [Panting and moaning] she’s concerned about my health. Ain’t no man in here ever ask how their woman’s health is, ever. Look at this n i g g a laughin’. How long y’all been together, by the way, bro? Two years. Two years. Have you ever asked her a health question? Never. It ain’t happenin’. He never–we don’t know when she, the last time she checked her titties for– for lumps. Anybody’s man ever ask if you checked your titties for fuckin’ lumps? No! If you take pills, do your man go, “have you taken your pills?” No, we don’t give a shit. Just knock your pills off the– “what’s all these pills, you sick bitch?” “Sound like maracas around here. You’re sick.” And it’s not ’cause we don’t care about you. It’s just the way we care is not the way…you know. Men don’t care about health in general. We don’t care about being sick. I should be getting prostate checks every week. I should be at least doing my own prostate check. You can–if your prostate’s swelled up, you can put your own finger in your booty, right? To see if your prostate swelled, ’cause you can’t– but look, all of that, I’ll never know, ’cause I’m not gonna stick– I’ll let my prostate fall out my asshole first. I’ll be walkin’, it’ll fall on the ground. I’ll be like, “is that my prostate just fell out my asshole?” And I still wouldn’t go to the hospital. I’ll call one of my friends on the phone. “Hey, man, your prostate ever fall out your asshole? “What’d you do about it? Put some duct tape? All right, put some duct tape.” It’s beautiful, the love. I’m telling you. I’m diabetic, man, and–and, you know, I’m not gonna find no woman that gives a–cares… Just off the street. ‘Cause diabetes, look– first of all, I don’t support it, all right? If I didn’t have it, I could give a– it’s just, “whatever, dude, really? Can’t eat cookies, faggot? I don’t care.” [Laughing] but I got that miserable disease. It’s just– it’s one of those– it’s deterio– it’s just a– it’s just a pain in the ass, ’cause I can’t eat and drink what I want. Like, I can eat as many vegetables as I want. “Patrice, you can have all the brussels sprouts you ever needed.” It was like, “oh.” Why can’t I eat pasta and cake? But you can’t, and it hard. It’s like being addicted. Food is, I’m telling you– food is an everyday, like… I’ll be like, “oh, my god, man, food again?” I gotta think about– every day, I gotta think. I go to sleep thinking about food. Tomorrow, like, “what am I gonna do? “A’ight, today, I had salad and fruit, “and I–I’m gonna celebrate tomorrow “by having a whole… “Lamb leg, to celebrate how good I ate yesterday.” It’s just a suffering… And I understand being addicted. Any smokers? Smokers here? Anybody? Smoking? See, and that’s like– and you a young man, but you know. You know. It’s a–you don’t– you’re good people. You don’t want to die. Smokers are like– [inhales] you just know you’re dying, like… “Man, oh, man, dog.” [Puffs, exhales] and you gonna get cancer, like, you know you gonna get cancer, and you’re giving other people cancer. You’re like…[Blows] you’re like, “I’m not a bad person, “I just can’t keep it– “I can’t keep it, uh… Down in my system here.” And then the pack of cigarettes, they used to say things like, “uh, cigarettes possibly “might cause you to be ill at some point in your life.” Now they say it will kill you, and you still… And then you got the cigarette boxes in Canada. You ever see Canada’s cigarette boxes? They got dead babies on the box. Like, it just be a dead baby. Can you imagine smoking and rationalizing? [Laughs] imagine you tell yourself, you say, “man, I’m glad I made it past his age. Goddamn.” “How old was he when he started smoking? “A day old? Jesus, slow down, n i g g a, use a filter.” I saw some white chocolate-covered Oreos. Oreos dipped in chocolate, man. I wa– I could–it was– I was in tears, like, knowing I shouldn’t eat it, but I was in pain, like, going, “oh, my god.” And I’m talking to myself, “I can’t eat these cookies, man.” And they’re callin’ me, and I’m praying to god, and I’m–and I’m lactose intolerant, but, like, if I eat these cookies, I gotta drink milk too. I’ma go out like a soldier. It’s like, whatever. And then you say all kind of weird stuff to you to rationalize eating them. I’ll be like, “you know what? “I don’t need both my feet. “I’m not a… “I’m not a ballerina. All I need is one so I can drive my car.” I’ma tell you a quick love story, man. This will sum up how much my girl love me, and it’s amazing. Um, you know, like I said, I’m diabetic, man, but, um, you know, it’s a true story. When we have sex, we’re really, uh… Really dirty, man. We’re really dirty. We pee on each other and the whole… But that’s–get past that, ’cause this is true love, so… So I’m– we’re having sex, right? About two years ago this happened. We’re having sex, and then, uh, afterwards, she’s like, “you know, that was good, “but I think we gotta go to the hospital and get you checked out.” I said, “why?” She said, “’cause you’re pee tastes like birthday cake.” And… Isn’t that love? If you can get past the pee part, that’s love, right? When she’s like, “oh, your pee is too delicious. I don’t– I don’t like that.” She didn’t go, “you peed in my mouth, you nasty–” she’s just like, “oh, my god, your pee tastes– “I done like the way it tastes. It tastes scrumptious.” What I’ma do? You see these three goofy girls’ look, they like, “if he pee in my mouth, “blah blah blah. Blah blah-blah blah-blah bluh.” That means you’re not gonna love me to the degree that I need to save my life, are you? No. I don’t need you. I don’t need you if you can’t taste my pee and go, “something’s wrong. You need to go check yourself.” You judge me. [Laughing] [laughs harder] That’s your woman, bro? How long you guys been together? Ten years? Wow. Good, good. How long? 2 1/2, 3 Years? Y’all goin’– y’all goin’ raw? You stick it in raw? You do? Okay, you put it in– you put it in raw? Look it, she punched him. You know what? Let me explain, she just hit him in his arm. I’ma explain something to you. The quicker that a man goes raw, it makes him look like, you know, “go ahead, pimp. You got it in raw.” The quicker the woman goes raw, it makes you look– yeah, loose. It makes you look bad. ‘Cause safe sex is a woman’s responsibility. ‘Cause men are trying to do it the first second we meet. Look, my protection is just, I do this. And I just go… [Laughs] “just not AIDS, god.” “Please don’t let me get sick and die.” It is your responsibility. Yep. When did y’all decide to do it? How long did it take, bro? How long did it take? A while. It took a while? What’s a while? What’s a while to you? Hey, did you do the old bagless trick, where you would just slowly, like, just try to put it in without… And you just, hopefully, she stop you? That old trick? Like, “okay… “All right, it’s getting close, “and I think I’m gonna… I ain’t got nothin’ on it yet.” And then it start getting real close. You be like, “no, she gonna let me– “ohh! This dirty bitch!” [Screams] “we both gonna die you let me put it in?” “Oh, we gonna die! “She just let me go raw!” [Screams] But we won’t stop, though. “Aw, come on! Stop me!” [Laughing] And I can’t use no condom no more. It’s over– condom days. I put a trash bag on my shit, it just– * wah wah like the “wah-wah” music? * Wah-wah it’s just dead. I have to see if my balls can fit in there too. Like, “all right, how’s that, baby?” “They both in there soft, “but his balls and dick is in there. “You okay? How’s that feel? Filled up? You feel filled up?” I’ma do–I’ma show you something, ladies, right? I’ma show you something. Here’s why you should be responsible for safe sex. All right, how many guys in here, honestly, have used a dental dam before? [Pop pop pop] [pop pop pop] [pop pop pop pop pop pop pop] Do you know what a dental dam is? You do? No one’s ever used on before, huh? See? See what I’m saying? You see what I’m saying about the condoms? Y’all just like, “put that condom on,” but, you know, the dental dam is a piece of a trash bag, right? About as big as a napkin that you flip out, and you lay it over a woman’s vagina just in case, you know, it’s–it’s poison. To protect us from imminent danger, but we don’t use it ’cause you’ll be insulted. If I’m getting ready to have sex with you, and I pull out a piece of a trash bag… And you go, “uh, what is that?” “Oh, I’m just gonna lay that over your vagina just in case it kills me.” “I’m sorry, what did you say?” And we see that face? “Nothin’, forget it. “Don’t even–pretend you didn’t see that. “I’d rather die than to “insult my way out of some pussy. I’d rather just get what you got.” [Laughing] No offense, but that’s us. We are not like you. Understand that. We’re good creatures, special– we are, but we’re just not like you. We’re not like– we don’t tell the truth, and the reason is because we cannot. Truth is, uh… Here’s what truth is. Truth is a feeling that goes from your gut to your mouth instantaneously. Women get to be truthful. You get to say… And you say any kind of foul, ’cause you don’t have an editing– it just comes up. “I just– two plus two is seven.” [Squawks] just say it. [Squawks] “I don’t care.” And you be like, “it’s–it’s four.” [Squawks] “it ain’t. It’s whatever I want it to be!” [Screech] [squawks] “I’ma talk if I feel like it.” [Squawks] And… Men don’t do that. We can’t be honest with you. Man truth is cruel. If we told you the truth all the time, that’s cruelty. Men–men go from our gut, and then it stops at the heart, where we edit it. We edit what this was. What this was was gonna be foul, so I’m not gonna say what this was. And then, it goes into the brain for further… Touch-ups. You know, analysis. Mmm, okay. All right, that sounds good. And then you say it. We don’t just spew stuff out, man, because how we really feel about you, it just–it’s not– it’s not cool like this, how we feel about you. You said ten years? Let me ask you a question, honestly. What’s your daydream on how to kill her? You want to get me killed? Here’s where you’re messing up. I’ma tell you where you’re messing up. He goes–he says to me, “hey, man, you trying to get me killed?” So you see how we can’t tell the truth? The–the lie, right? That means that he thinks about it. Do you understand what I’m saying? You should say, “I don’t think about killing my woman,” but you go, “you tryin’ to get me killed? “If I tell you how I’d kill this bitch, she gonna kill me!” So you might as well get it out now. How do you kill her, man? Just so she know. How do you daydream about it? Spit it out. She’s looking at– it’s over. Just– sweetie, I’m trying to let you understand what you’re dealing with. I’m just saying the fact that you’re alive means he didn’t go through with it. He just–and I’ma tell you why– why guys think about killing their women. It’s ’cause we love you. Because I want you out of my life, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings. So I’d rather you be dead, than to break your heart. So we think about, how do we kill this– and get away– how do you do it, bro? I’ll tell you how I kill my girl. I put a pillow over her head and shoot her twice with a silencer. [Imitates silenced gunshots] And the feathers come up, and I look under the pillow, and her eyes still be open, and I close her eye– I close her eyes and shit. [Kiss] And I kiss her softly on her face, but she’s dead. You might as well spit it out, ’cause it’ll help you now, ’cause you can blame it on all– the whole situation, instead of later when she’s like, “so, you know…” You’re Puerto Rican, right? Cuban. Cuban? Oh, lord have merc– like, whatever, she’s– whatever accent and whatever anger she does in Spanish, she’s gonna be on you, so you might as well just say it, think about it. ‘Cause she gonna be on you. What is it? What do you, you know. And look it, I don’t condone violence against women, but I do condone thinking about it, because sometimes it’s like, “how do I get you out of my face?” It’s just like, what do you do? When a girl’s in your face, ahh! Especially black women, ’cause, you know what? This is probably more important to white women, ’cause white women, you do stuff to get killed. People kill you. Your husbands kill you. Black women do stuff to get hit. Like, they make you want to hit ’em, ’cause they be in your face, like they could whup your ass. “Blah blah blah, blah-blah.” You be like, “I’ma put this bitch through a fish tank.” Don’t get in my face, ’cause I can’t even hit you. I can’t even poke you hard. Like, don’t– don’t press me like that. “What you gonna do? I wish you was–” like, “oh, my god, man, get out of my face.” And I’ve never hit a woman, man. I’ve never needed to. And I been–been, like, “wow, man. This would be so much easier if I could,” but I just… You just… Like, I never even mushed a woman. Anyone ever get mushed? You ever get mushed? You know what a mushing is? You don’t even know what mushing is. Do you know what mushing is? You do–yeah, see. Look at the black girl right there. Go ahead, show her. Show her. She put her whole hand over her face. It’s a–it’s– it’s a non-violent… Movement… When you’re in my face, aah! And it’s just to– it just moves you… And sometimes a twist. It’s just, “get out of my face, please.” I don’t ever want to mush, and I’ve never done it I’ve come close, but I’m too scared. I don’t want to go to jail over nonsense, man. Jail’s– I don’t want to do that. Push–I don’t want to mush a girl. “Get out of here.” She stumble back, crack her head, and… You know, she’s laying on the ground doing the, uh… The Hulk Hogan from the ’80s, like… I’m like, “oh, my god.” I’m lifting her hand up like the referee. Like, “oh, come on, bitch. Please get up.” And she’s just… And on the third one, I’m hoping she go like this, like, “oh!” [Laughs] “I’m still livin’, brother!” And you’re like, “okay! Okay! “Oh-ho! “Oh-ho! Oh, she’s livin’!” [Laughing] White women, though, I’ma tell you why you get killed, and this is a f– I’m from Boston, man. I got a PhD in white people, man. I grew up around them. White women, you don’t scream at your men. I never seen a white woman really go “aah!” At your man. “What? What?” But you do something different. You don’t scream, but you–you, uh… You say, like, really terrible things in his ear so only he can hear it, and it starts to, like, abrade and whittle his spirit down. Like really foul stuff, but nice, like, “you know what, your mother’s breath stinks.” You be like… “When’d you get close enough to my mo–” “I don’t have to. “It stinks from here. And I’m gonna fuck your friend Phillip.” “I’m gonna fuck Byron as soon as you go to work.” And then, this is over years, and you just– you just– until all you got left is murder. You just kill her, ’cause you got no more spirit left. The spirit is gone. Serious, man. If you want to understand men, ladies, look, I’m here for you. I’m just telling you what we are. What we are, you know, not who we are. What we are. Just like what we are that makes us struggle. And, really, men are perfect creatures, except for, you know, one… Like, if most women would want to be a man if you didn’t have to give up that power that you have, which is our weakness. That’s our weakness. It’s very difficult. I’m telling you, man. Like, I don’t want to want to be with other women ever. Like, I want to just walk down the street and go, “I never need to look at another woman again, ’cause I’m with the last woman I’m ever gonna be with.” And I’m like… But it ain’t real. It’s just… Like, no guy wants to cheat and hurt his woman, man. That hurts. First of all, think about what cheating is for a second, ladies. Cheating is a man, he sneaks out of his own house to go, like, find some happiness behind your back so your feelings aren’t hurt. Cheating is for you. It’s not… It’s not for me. We don’t want to hurt you. If you gave a lie detector test to a man and a woman and asked them the same questions, man, we would pass them both up to a point where it’s like, hey, ask a woman, “you love your man? You love your family? You love your home, you love what you built?” “Yep.” “All right, you see Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington “or whatever standing there, “would you risk everything you built with your man just to sleep with him?” And women, look, they’ll go “nah, I wouldn’t.” And they’ll pass the test. They’ll be like, “eh, you know, “they look good, but I wouldn’t.” Ask guys the same thing, you know, boom, love your woman, the kids, the hou– “yeah.” “All right, you– you see that girl passed out behind the dumpster?” “Would you risk everything for a passed-out woman behind a dumpster?” “I don’t want to, but look at her with garbage on–she looks so cute with garbage on her.” You ever discuss threesomes, gorgeous? You never had a threesome discussion with your man after ten years? Like, just even talked to him about it. Just a talk. Like, ’cause it’ll make him– wouldn’t just a nice threesome talk make you feel like, “oh, man, just cool that she lets me get a little bit of that evil out, right?” And by the way, ladies, a threesome is two girls and a guy. The girls be thinking, “what about?” Two guys and a girl is a train. That is… Me and him. I don’t even know him. And he better not look me in the face. Like, what– “n i g g a, just get your dick sucked. Why are you staring at me?” “Let me fuck my half of the torso.” “Catch this n i g g a blinkin’ at me “while I’m trying to fuck my half of the body. “Damn! Damn, man! N i g g a don’t have train etiquette.” [Laughing] You don’t understand that, right? Women don’t relate to that crap, ’cause you don’t understand how much, uh… To get sex for a guy, man, it’s hard. It’s harder to find– it’s harder to get sex than it is to find love. I swear to god. Women hold–you gotta be smooth to get– I’m tellin’ you, to get through that, because women are like the beefeaters from, uh, England with the big hats, and them dudes be… “Who goes there?” You trying to, like, charm your way into the palace, and you just be like… “Tickle, tickle, baby. Tickle, tickle.” And she’s just, “you’re not gonna get through!” “Oh, come on.” [Babbling] and–and that’s skill. Women, you don’t have it, ’cause you don’t need it. You don’t have to have swagger to get some tonight. You don’t. You can just point at it. You can look at a guy, right, catch his eye, and go like this, and he’ll go, “me?” And then you just point right here. And don’t be sexy. Don’t be like, “ooh.” Just– [grunts obnoxiously] and he’ll look around for a minute to make sure it ain’t a trick, like… [Grunting and yelling] monsters is giving out pussy, man. What I’ma do? What I’ma do, say no? We’re like, uh… I’m trying to, like, make it so women just, like, understand a little bit, like, just to sympathize. It’s like we’re like sport fishermen. This is what I’m sayin’. That’s what men are. We–i mean, being with one woman… I mean, for real, ladies, if you just said thank you to your man for being faithful. You just go “thank you, man. Thank you for fighting.” He’d be like, “damn.” And if you– if you told his friends that you thanked him for fighting hard and not cheating, his friends would be like, “what?” Like, they would look at you like you was amazing. It’s simple. Men like to fish. And sport fishing is different from catching fish for food. You just get it– you get it, you catch it, and you, you know… You show your friends. ‘Cause you want them to know that you can catch fish. You take a couple of pictures so you can show people the fish that you have the ability to catch, and then you release it back into the water. But a lot of women in here, you have boyfriends or husbands, you were fish that jumped back on the boat… And just was, like, flapping, looking at me, like… “Hi. “I was wondering if you’re gonna be fishing here again next week, like…” “Yeah, for other fish. Get off my boat.” “Is that how you treat all the fish?” You be like, “oh, goddamn. “No, I’m sorry, sweetie, you’re the last fish I ever wanted to be with.” Now you’re stuck. Stuck with the last fish, who was loving you and fighting hard to be on your boat, then she got comfortable, and now, instead of doing this, she’s like, “so… “We’ve been together for, like, a year now. Why do you still have a boat?” You be like… “So what you trying to say, I can’t catch fish no more?” “Why do you need to catch a fish?” “Because if I lose my ability to catch fish, “then you not gonna find me sexy no more, “so you gotta smell fish on me “so that you know I can catch fish so you can act right.” That’s like, guys, you meet your girl, she was a ho. Like, had ho– like she, big ol’ booty and this and that. You gotta let her do that. Don’t start trying to frump her up and get her fat and get her foul. ‘Cause that’s why you like her. I don’t want no woman that no other guy’s trying to fuck. I don’t want a woman that I can send to the store at 2:00 in the morning, ’cause nobody’s gonna try to rape her. Like, I go, “go get some bread at 3:00 in the morning. “Hey, cut through the alley, bitch, ’cause…” “Girl, I talked to the junkies. They don’t want it. They don’t like you.” [Laughing] And I’m just– to be fair to women, um, you know, it’s… Look, god has been very cruel to you. Being a woman as a creature, I think it’s just unfair. I wouldn’t want to be a woman. It’s just… I mean, like, your period, like, I look at that and– and see what my woman go through every month. Like, if my nose bled every month, I think I would kill myself. I would be like, “mother–oh, my god, man.” You gotta stick something in your nose with a string hanging out. Gotta take that out, what, every seven seconds or whatever. And five days before your nose bleeds, you know it’s gonna bleed, but you don’t know when, so you just sittin’ there like, “when is my nose “going to start bleeding? Oh, my god!” And then if your nose don’t bleed when it’s supposed to, you’re like, “oh, my god! “My nose is supposed to be bleeding by now!” [Crying] “I’ma go to the hospital if it’s not bleeding soon!” And y’all get horny and… My woman gets horny on her– oh, my god. And I ain’t down with that. And I see her face, like if I would do it one time, it probably would change her life, like she would be just so grateful, but I just can’t. She’s like, “come on. “You know, come on. Just… Just lay a–come on, lay a towel or something down.” And I was gonna do it one time, but then I googled the whole cycle. There’s all kind of stuff hap–I don’t… I sharpened a mop stick. Every month, I just poke her, I go, “yah! Get back! “Yah! Back! Get in the closet! Get out of here!” Slide her some raw meat under the door. “Eat that for a week! Ha! Get back!” It’s shocking. Like, I know, look, like I said, I’m 40. I can feel… I can feel my sex drive, right? I still love women, but I don’t feel like– I don’t feel like having sex like that. But I still love looking at ’em, like, “oh.” But here’s what god did for men. He turned my horniness into creepiness. Like, so… I can have a good time sitting at the mall watching chicks tryin’ on sneakers at the Foot Locker, with the creepy face, like… Mmm! I’m good for the day. But women, you don’t get creepy. You get hornier as you get older. It’s weird, you want to do all your sexin’ between the ages of 30 and 50. That’s when you want it. But here’s how sad things are. The value of vagina’s only good from 18 to 29. Pussy get old like bread, not like wine. It– I don’t want the waiter to bring me a vintage glass of twat. He’d be like, “would you like a “’52 le stinky vagina from the funk-funk region?” You’d be like, “ugh! “You ain’t got a better year than that? “You ain’t got a…” [Laughs] “got a ’89 down there? Give me a ’89. “I don’t care what it is. Water, just ’89.” I’m not saying you not sexy if you– if you 40 or whatever. I’m not– you’re beautiful, whatever. I’m just saying 20 is just… 20. 20. Who’s 20 down here? How old are you? Older than 20? I hear it in your voice. You sound like you chew cigarettes. She’s just like… As cute as you are, you can hear it. [Gravelly] “I’m older than 20.” ‘Cause women who are not 20– did you see what happened? She raised her hand fast. [High-pitched] “20! Yay!” [Gravelly] “ahem, um…” “Older than 20.” 20 Years–god. I bet you your pussy tastes like hope. [Laughing] I’m sorry. That was just ridiculous. But that’s the difference. Difference between 40-year-old cooch and 20, it’s the amount of time I wait. That’s it. 20, I wait forever. Just wait in the corner, like, “oh, it’s gonna happen. I am going to wait for this 20-year-oldness.” 40, I– a date. Two dates. Two dates, and then you gotta start rollin’ them old drawers down. From where it is, pulled up to the bra. I’m not saying you’re not sexy if you’re 40– I’m not. I’m just saying, it’s the time, that’s it. Like, I want it now. If I’m willing to eat some stale cracker jacks, I’ll eat some stale cracker jacks, but I want ’em right now. If I say, “hand me them stale cracker jacks right there,” and you go, “come and get ’em,” I’ll be like, “just throw ’em on the floor. “They old. The box is open “there’s no prize in it. Where the magnifying glass?” “One peanut? Get that–get out of here!” Making me crawl around for old cracker jacks. And you will laugh at that, ladies, if it’s just not fun for you. Nothing’s fun. Sex isn’t fun. Sex is so much fun for dudes. ‘Cause we got a money shot. You don’t understand what it’s like to see– the–the–feeling. Like, we both have orgasms. Uhh! Uhh! But men have a receipt. Like, we… We see it, and it’s a payoff. You be like, “I am satisfied, ’cause that’s what it is. Look at it.” You don’t think you’d be happier, ladies, if you could just have a– if you could just shoot a couple of eggs in a guy’s face? You just–fff! Fff!– Right on top of his forehead? You want to be happier? Get on–fff! Unh! And he’s just sitting there. Fff! “Unh!” And you go, “aw, that felt good! Go in the bathroom and wash your face.” He’s walking to the bathroom… [Spits] “ohh!” Wiping his eyes. “Why are you so aggressive?” You like, “shut up, faggot, and… Hurry up and make me a grilled cheese sandwich.” [Laughing] Call your friends on the phone, “I just egged on the top of his head.” “Don’t tell your friends our business!” “Shut up! She already knows I egg on the top of your head already.” Hey, I gotta go, man. Y’all take care of yourself. [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts (2011) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/daniel-tosh-happy-thoughts-transcript/

[Rock music] ¶ ¶ [cheers and applause] Thank you… San Francisco. All right, you’re ruining the show. [cheers and applause continue] Thank you… For clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. Oh, San Francisco. Yes. [cheers and applause] Oh… My third favorite city to do comedy in. Huh? That’s not bad, right? Top ten. Congratulations. Aw, more butt-f*cking per square foot than in any place in the world. That’s you guys. That’s you. [cheers and applause] Put that on your postcards. “San Francisco: “more butt-f*cking per square foot. Miss you.” All right. If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That’s not my intention. I’m not gonna guess what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time. It’s how I know I still have one. All right. I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country except for the fact that they don’t serve on jury duty. That’s horseshit. It should be the other way around. They should serve exclusively on jury duty. Yeah. [cheers and applause] Then it finally would be a jury of one’s own peers. [crowd groaning] [laughter and applause] It’s not a stereotype if it’s always true. Yeah, then it becomes law. That joke is called “Latinos are criminals.” that’s just the title. It doesn’t mean anything. Sometimes before I walk on stage, my girlfriend might say, “have a good show. Break a leg.” this is what she said to me a few weeks ago right before I walked on stage. She goes, “hey, you ever worry about getting shot when you’re out there?” I’m like, “what the hell is wrong with you?” She followed it with, “you should move around more.” Uh, you should go back to reading your vampire books. [laughter and cheers] I should move around more? As if a sniper would get frustrated. Like… “I can’t keep up. He lives.” A lot of times, people complain that their significant other takes too long to get ready to go out at night. I’ve never had that complaint. And I think it’s because I never want to go anywhere. So I could care less how long it takes her to get ready. That’s just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends pretending that I don’t want to kill myself. Yeah. [cheers and applause] She’ll take an hour and a half to get ready, come down and be like, “oh, my goodness. You are so patient.” And I’ll be like, “for what? You look disgusting.” right? Yeah. Now she’s crying. Whatever. I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game. Yeah. Yeah. It’s not like she’s gonna break up with me. She’s ten years younger. She’s one opinion away from being replaced. I can say that. I have a television show. Yeah. The power in our household has shifted dramatically. Now, if you’re following me on Twitter, you know I had diarrhea today. Am I using that website properly? Sometimes I like to sit on the toilet in reverse. “we’re listening.” it’s nice, right? You can turn around. You can lean on the tank. I’m gonna be here for a while. Yeah, the people that are clapping right now, they’re the ones like, “okay, all kidding aside, “he is a genius. “No, no, no, no. It’s the simplicity. “I’ve been sitting on that thing my whole life. “You’re telling me I could turn around, “have a bowl of cereal, yeah? “Set the alarm ten minutes later. Multitask.” All right, nobody should eat while on the toilet. “but I’m lactose intolerant, and I’ve always wanted to enjoy a bowl of puffins with whole milk.” That’s more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream. Somebody emailed me, and they’re like, “hey, dipshit–” which, for the record, is a wonderful subject line if you ever want me to read your emails. Oh, let’s see what this nice fan has to say. You had me at “hello.” They’re like, “you know you have to take your pants completely off to sit on the toilet backwards?” [laughter] Touché. All right, so I don’t research. It’s a pre-shower [bleep], agreed? Can we move on, sticklers to every joke detail? You ever have a post-shower [bleep]? Oh, might as well go back to bed and start your whole day over. Things are wrong. That’s not the order of events. There’s a glitch in the matrix. This world’s not real. Mom! Wipe me! [laughter and cheers] I recently started flat-ironing my ball hair. Come on, ladies. You know how it is. If you have curly hair, you just want straight hair. So now when people see my balls, it’s like, “oh, my goodness. “that looks really, really good. Isn’t that damaging to the hair?” And I’m like, “yeah, but what are you gonna do?” I wish Victoria Beckham would knock it off with all the cute dos. I can’t keep up. My balls still have the ’06 posh. Remember that little trendy little cut? Posh spice? Looks like my testicles. Okay? Am I the only person that hopes David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don’t know who’s in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them’s out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? Oh. If there’s a man in here that’s junk doesn’t wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together– this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level, it’s art, you monkey, okay? You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods. Can you imagine if they had a child? ¶ Ahh ¶ was that Simba? What the f*ck? Was that Simba? That’s the Beckham-Pitt kid? That’s “pittkham”? The most beautiful child the world has ever seen. Picture baby Jesus with better abs. That’s a good-looking baby. If they had a baby Abercrombie store, they’d hire him to work the front door, right? Just standin’ there shirtless, propped up. He can’t stand yet. Just leaning against the wall. Big poster, big poster of himself just standing in little tight pampers. And you’d walk in, and you’d be like, “I don’t want to say this, but I want to f*ck that baby.” oh, man! Do I want to f*ck that baby! If I had three wishes, two of ’em would be to f*ck that baby and one would be for more wishes. “well, you can’t do that.” then I want to f*ck the baby a third time. I would like to use all three wishes banging that baby. Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn’t have a plausible premise. Oh, I’d love to read your email. “I felt you went over the line a bit “when you theoretically wanted to fornicate with a mythical child.” [laughter and applause] [cheers and applause] – Heads up, Mormons, this joke’s gonna sting. [laughter] Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your spam file. Let’s not base your entire life on a religion that’s old enough for my dad to be like, “oh, yeah. That’s not true. “Uh, that didn’t happen. “I don’t know why they’re wearing their pajamas “under their clothes. I assume their god wants them to be comfy.” the Mormon church spent $20 million last year in the state of California making sure queers didn’t legally get married– successfully, I might add. So I guess we’re not as liberal as we all thought. And this is what I say to the most conservative person that’s so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it’s legal, it’s not like god’s gonna let ’em into heaven. Okay? So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates just going, “yeah. [cheers and applause] You’re not getting in here, f*ggots!” [grunts] [laughter and applause] Do you remember the commercials they ran? It was a little girl that came running home from school, uh, and, uh, she’d be like, “mommy, “mommy, mommy, the teacher said when I get older I can marry a princess if I want to.” and they’re like, “what are you gonna do when your kid says that?” [laughter] and every parent in California is like, “whoa, we’re gonna have to talk to our kids? Sorry, queers. Nope.” Yeah. That’s Esperanza’s job. [cheers and applause] So I wanna hire the same little girl to do commercials for me in the state of Utah, and I want her to come running home and be like, “mommy, mommy, mommy, how come you’re nine years older than me?” Yeah. Because we learned math, and this doesn’t add up. “Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy–” she’s calling out to all of her mothers. And they start coming out of the cabinets in their little house on the prairie outfits trying to explain how open-minded they really are. Compared to who, the Amish? Am I the only person that blames global warming entirely on the Amish? [laughter] Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I wanna cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I’m like, “ho, ho, f*ck that. Fill it up. Fill it up.” no, no. I’m not gonna ride around in a buggy. It’s bad enough I have a four-cylinder. But I would like a fireless fireplace. I don’t know how you did it, Amish. Apparently, you partnered up with the wiccans because that is magical. [laughter] you know the economy’s in the toilet when the Amish can afford full-page ads in every paper. Apparently, butter is recession-proof. Does anyone in here know what I’m even talking about at this point? The Amish, they make this fireplace that doesn’t plug in. There’s no fire, but it’s pumping out heat. I assume there’s a hamster in there losing his mind. It’s no snuggie, but it’s a great product. Yeah, somebody bought me a snuggie as a joke gift. Ha, the joke’s on you. I enjoy it. [laughter] Yeah. Huh. I toss and turn at night. Finally, a blanket that’s like, “nuh-uh, I’m gonna keep you warm.” [laughter] It’s like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson. The perfect pressure. What upset me about the gift is that’s all I received, was one sage green snuggie, when, in fact, I know it comes with two snuggies and two book lights. Those are $20 values. Where the hell is the rest of my gift? Yeah. You have until Christmas, or I’m coming to your house and ripping 3/4 of your fathead off your wall. Not big ben. Yeah. Ben shouldn’t be in the bathroom with anyone. [laughter and applause] Speaking of quarterbacks, uh, Brett Favre– I love that everybody gave him so much grief to retire. Brett Favre should retire. Are you out of your mind? He makes $12 million a year to play a game. “yeah, I’m gonna keep playing.” “Hey, Brett, the whole world thinks you should retire.” “you said $12 million, right? Yeah, they can go f*ck themselves.” [laughter and applause] I would never quit, are you kidding me? What about in four years? He’s not good enough to be a starter, but he could be a backup in the NFL. Do you know what that pays? About $4 to $5 million. “Uh, yep, I’m gonna do that.” how about ten years? Not good enough to be a backup. But he could be on the practice squad. Do you know what that pays? About $850,000. “Uh, yep, I’m gonna do that as well. I’ll play forever.” it’d make the game more enjoyable if people weren’t allowed to retire. Athletes don’t wanna quit either. See some 70-year-old return a punt, like, “oh…” he gets hit, he explodes, he dies on the field with some honor. Yeah. And sports needs steroids. It does. Are you kidding me? Oh, baseball, certainly. Baseball’s a strike away from being soccer. Yeah. And if you like soccer, well, welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment, so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end zero-zero is not enjoyable unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies. [cheers and applause] […] Baseball. Nobody wants to watch a pitching battle either. Let’s hit the ball deep. Don’t worry about your records either. For every superstar that has done steroids, a billion double “a” boys have juiced up, so the playing field is plenty even. We’ll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds’ name, sure, as soon as we put one next to babe Ruth’s name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me? Where is that asterisk? Why don’t people talk about that? [cheers and applause] Oh. I’d love to know how many homers the babe would have hit had c.c. Been throwing him 92-mile-an-hour sliders. Yeah. Maybe the fat boy would have put the cigar down and quit pointing had Jose been allowed to swim 90 miles to throw him a junk ball. Don’t worry if you don’t follow. 90 miles is the distance from key west to Cuba, Jose’s a stereotypical name for a Latino ball player, and a junk ball’s an impossible pitch to hit yard anyplace except for the new Yankee stadium, which is a joke. The point… Is the record books might look a little different had our country not been founded by racists. That’s all. And I love that in 2010, you’re still not allowed to shit on the founding fathers. Why not? Screw them. They were a bunch of racist f*cking pigs with a handful of good ideas. I just hope when they were signing the declaration of independence, they shot each other a glance. “all men are created equal. “you know what we mean. [laughs sarcastically] Now get me some hot coffee, boy.” [laughter] Oh… At least we’re not women, right, fellas? Oh, jeez. What is that like? Is it horrible? Is it awful… To know you’re number two? By the way, these aren’t my beliefs. It’s my observations on the world I live in. If it changes, I’ll adjust the material accordingly. Cool. I like it when you try to rationalize it. “No, it’s great being a woman. Free drinks is worth not having equality.” [laughter] Listen, you’re in a great country to be number two, because at least in America, it’s close, right? Men are here. Women are here. Some countries, it’s like this and house cat is right there. Ho-ho. That is a bad country to be a woman in. Don’t get lost in a hike there. You’ll end up on YouTube without a head, and there’s no web redemption for that. [cheers and applause] […] I gave a commencement speech recently at a high school, and that didn’t go well at all. A bunch of high-school kids, parents that are proud of them, and I’m belittling the entire thing. And the administration got really upset with me. They’re like, “oh, uh, we didn’t know you weren’t gonna take it seriously.” To which I replied, “really? “You thought this was where I was gonna get serious? High school, how did you do it?” [laughter] No. I refuse to give that generic speech. “As I look out here, I see future lawyers and doctors.” I gave the real speech. “there’s felons here. [laughter] Some of you will die in a d.u.I. Accident tonight.” Oh, I’m sorry. Explain to me why a dose of reality before community college is a bad thing, because I certainly don’t need to pander to the 1%. They don’t need my little pep rally. They’re gonna be just fine. Nobody’s been a pile of shit their entire life and then turned it around because of the commencement address. Excuse me? No, no, it just clicked. “So you’re saying I can be anything? “Oh, yeah, that sounds way better than “what I was gonna do. I like this guy.” Don’t you love it when people in school are like, “I’m a bad test taker.” You mean, you’re stupid. [laughter] Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I’m a brilliant painter minus my god-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson’s. [laughter] I apologize if there’s a Parkinson’s painter here this evening. I assume your best work is in the a.m. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon. [laughter] Hang in there, it gets worse. [laughter and applause] You ever hear this expression? “The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work.” Uh, I’ll call b.s. [laughter] I’ve watched the deadliest catch on discovery. I’ve never once been at work, capsized into 40-degree water, watched all my coworkers die and be like, “hey, at least we’re f*ckin’ fishin’.” Huh? Am I right, criminals? I mean, crew? [applause] […] “There’s no excuse for domestic violence.” It sounds like a challenge. [laughs] I mean, does everything have to be so black and white in this kindergarten country of ours? “There’s no excuse.” What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids? She’s about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? “Unfortunately, no. There’s no excuse. Gonna have to let her drown that third one.” What if you ask her to DVR the game, but she forgets to record the half-hour show afterwards just in case it goes into overtime? The point is there’s a gray area. Yeah. And I’m pretty sure my girlfriend found mine about two weeks ago. I asked her to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN HD. And then she says, “well, at least you still get to watch it.” oh, yeah, yeah. No, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don’t even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend. [audience ohs] We have a rule in my house. If I’m ashamed, it doesn’t count. You gotta plow a four to appreciate an eight. [laughter] That’s my mantra. Yeah. I’ll come home from a road trip and be like, “you are so beautiful.” She’s like, “oh, you must have been with a pig this weekend.” I don’t cheat on her. It’s a joke. Don’t get me wrong, I hate my girlfriend. I… Hate being in a relationship, but I’m faithful. That’s the rule. You want your relationship to work, you have to be faithful. Uh, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, they thought they were above that simple rule. They’re not. Nobody is. And you can’t explain it to women either, like– my girlfriend’ll be like, “oh, my goodness, like, you really wanna hook up with some skank?” oh, oh, whoa. It’s not you versus skank, honey. It’s you versus every skank. Do you see how the scale shifts in the other direction at that point? It’s like, she’s a mighty spartan warrior. But there’s all these Persian whores… That will eventually kill her. [laughter] She gets the message. [laughter] […] I hate tattoos. That being said, I have a few. Every year on my birthday, I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. [laughter] You can’t tell me that’s not gonna be a beautiful work of art when it’s finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can’t figure it out. They’re like, “what the hell are these things?” I’m like, “it’s your future. Read the chart.” They don’t stop growing. They’re like earlobes. [laughter] That joke was inspired by a door that wasn’t locked when I was 11. [laughter] […] How about those winter Olympics? They were exciting, weren’t they? Finally, we got to figure out which country can slide down a hill faster. Not Georgia. [audience ohs] ooh. Oh, I’m sorry. Big luge fans, are you, here in San Fran? Take that luge seriously, don’t you? The winter Olympics are pointless. I’ll say it. Are you kidding me? I assume the only reason we have them is so white people feel relevant in sports, because other than that, the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids? What’s it cost to go skiing? $900 a day? “oh, I can’t believe that’s not more popular in the inner cities.” hmm. “Hey, latrell, you wanna play basketball today?” “no, man, I’m going to Breckenridge.” “oh. “lah-dee uncle tom dah. Latrell’s going to Breckenridge.” [laughter] I hate the summer games, for that matter. I just don’t want parents to be rewarded for encouraging their kids to forfeit their entire childhood perfecting a sport no one cares about for 3 years and 11 months at a time, then for one month, I got to act as if the vault affects my patriotism. It doesn’t. I hope you miss the jump and rib cage it. Yeah. Do that for old glory. Enjoy your eating disorder, ask your mom why you stopped growing at 4’3″, and remember, every guy says hammertoe’s a deal breaker. I’m not touching your feet, Mary Lou. They’re disgusting. [cheers and applause] And how bad is that medal ceremony? Ugh. It’s horrible. I hate our f*ckin’ anthem. The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? “What are you listening to?” “Oh, the national anthem. “I love it. It just really gets me jazzed up.” I want my own country. If one of my athletes medals, oh-ho-ho, it’s gonna be great, because my national anthem’s gonna be 32 minutes long just so bronze and silver go, “what the f*ck? How long is this?” it’s like, “knock it off, losers. “You’re being very disrespectful. There’s a nine-minute guitar solo coming.” “Was that November Rain?” [laughter] I don’t know what’s more embarrassing in this country– that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place? [laughs] [cheers and applause] Are you out of your mind? Swimming? You mean that thing you instinctively do before you die? “Yeah, but he’s really fast. It’s… It’s pretty heroic.” The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant‘s publicist, because Kobe was accused of rape. And all he had to do was settle in civil court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number, win a championship, and that soulless town in L.A. couldn’t be prouder. Yeah, I just hope when parents let their kids run around in number 24 jerseys, they have the decency to be like, “oh, come on. Number eight was the rapist. [laughter] “24 just has a great work ethic. And an unblockable turnaround.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] […] Kangaroos can’t hop backwards. It’s not very funny, but you learned something. I don’t care how drunk you get tonight, you will never forget that. You’ll be in Australia nine years from now. Your friend will get attacked by a kangaroo, and you’ll instinctively yell, “get behind him. “Wait, how did I know to say that? “How did I know to say that? “Am I a wizard? “have I always been a wizard? Well, then why don’t I have a demon?” [scattered laughter] I love snapple facts. I wish they would hire me. I’d give ’em facts. They’d be silly. Like, babies aren’t dishwasher-safe. People would be like, “oh, my goodness. “Who doesn’t know this? “well, I guess if they keep one baby out of the dishwasher, “they’re doing a good thing over there. Thanks, summer peach.” I prefer the teas. This is my impression of Johnny Depp before he leaves his house at night. If you don’t know, johnny Depp’s 48 years old. I assume it goes like this. “Hold on, guys, I’ll be right with you. “I have to put on another bracelet. “I only have six on. I want to wear seven tonight. “I know you’re in a hurry, “but I have to make sure my belt is askew “and my handkerchief is just so, because I’m almost 50, and I love accessories.” Cool should have a cutoff. And my vote is 48. […] I like watching movies on DVD. I don’t need all the extras. I don’t need to see alternate endings. They’re never that different. They’re just longer, a few more swear words, and a boob that the general public couldn’t handle. If you’re gonna give me alternate endings, you better blow me away. Let me watch the mighty ducks with my nephew. Yeah, we watched the alternate ending where they lose the hockey game. Then they go back to the locker room. They start doing blow and jerking off on each other. Emilio’s dead in the shower. You’re like, “holy cow. Whoa. “Did you see the alternate ending? “No, no, no, they went “in a completely different direction. “I think Disney was smart with the original. That alternate ending was a little too heavy for the kids.” That’s Disney, always sneaking in subliminal stuff in our movies. Did you know there’s a penis on the little mermaid box? You try to draw Ariel for six months and not put a dick somewhere. God, I love that fish half. Liberal. […] A little girl was killed in my neighborhood recently, which is sad, but it happens, not usually in white neighborhoods, but it happens. I think there’s a pie chart that proves that somewhere. Small sliver, safer. She was killed on a street where people had been complaining for years that cars drive too fast. So reactive in nature as everyone is, after the horrible accident, they had a bunch of speed bumps put in. And I thought, “wow, what a horrible way for their family to remember every time they drive down that road.” Ba-boom. [whimpers] “Natalie! “Your mother and I miss you so much. “But you are really doing a number on our suspension. “No, honey, I told you we should have leased this car. “Even in the afterlife, she makes us fight. Good riddance.” Yeah, you see what happened there? In the beginning of this made-up story, you felt bad for the family. Now, at the end, you realize they weren’t fit parents to begin with. We’ve all grown. Let’s move on to some nonfiction. Do you remember when that kid was killed at six flags, had his head cut off by the roller coaster? Oh, man, the first thing that went through my mind was, “wow, how am I gonna make this funny for everybody?” Here goes. If you don’t remember the story, he was on a church youth group. He was on a roller coaster ride. His hat blew off. After the ride was over, he’s like, “I’m gonna go get my hat.” And there was a big fence with signs on it that probably said, “hey, cut your losses.” And he’s like, “what? “have you seen me in that hat? Not today, fence.” And he went over it. And there was a second fence with more signs. Like, “come on, knock it off.” He’s like, “you can’t tell me how to live, signs.” And he went over that fence. And on the other side, the story ends. Did he get the hat? I’d like to think he did. Right? A small silver lining. Like, “I told you I’d get it.” And then whack, right then. And I know he was on a church youth group, and they don’t believe in evolution, but that kid was getting picked off sooner or later. Yeah. [laughter and applause] And if I were a family member, I’d say 15 years was a pretty good run. But then again, I’m half full. The real story, which nobody talks about until now, is how he was decapitated. It was a suspension roller coaster. A young lady, 25 years old, her leg is what decapitated him. Shattered her leg in over eight places. She had to have three surgeries and wear a cast for over a year. I don’t know if you’ve ever worn a cast or not, but everybody and their mother will come up to you and be like, “how’d you break your leg?” [laughter] She gets to be like, “I f*ckin’ punted a guy’s head “90 yards. Yeah. Top that, Janikowski.” Oh, finally a raider reference that doesn’t involve sucking. [cheers and applause] People have always told me I have a sick sense of humor. What do you say to that? I assume it’s relative. Who are you comparing me to? Carrot top? Then, yeah, I’m a little blue. To my circle of friends, I’m tame. My sister’s off the charts. I play practical jokes on her constantly, though. I got her so good a few weeks ago. I replaced her pepper spray with silly string. Anyway, that night, she got raped, and she called me the next day, going, “you son of a bitch. “You got me so good. “No, no, no, no, as soon “as I started spraying him in the face. “I’m like, ‘Daniel. This is gonna really hurt.'” [singsong] Hot pocket. That’s how that joke ends. I had another comic friend of mine finish it. I hate rain. I understand the necessity for it. But when I walk outside, I prefer it to be sunny. That’s why I love California so much. Oh, and I think it’s because I wear a 35 inseam when I’m clearly a 34. But I’ve always liked my pants long in the back. I like ’em to hit the ground, naturally fray over time, but when it rains, oh. Am I right? The fray gets wet, then the pant leg goes up much higher than anything I ever stepped in. I just look down. I’m like, aagh! Is this what the people in New Orleans went through? Because this is awful. Had I known it was that bad, maybe I would have helped. Next time, ‘Trina 2, I’m your savior. Do they name storms like sequels in movies? Because they should. ‘Trina 2: God’s still crying. You want help, don’t invest in property value that’s below sea level. You’re welcome. [cheers and applause] […] People always assume I’m a bleeding-heart liberal. What? I’m conservative on almost all the key issues. I hate the poor. I’ve said that forever. “We need help.” Yeah, we’ve heard. And some of you know I have a charity, but I did that for tax purposes. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s called febrezing the homeless. [laughter] No, it’s not what some of you think. What I do, I go around, and I febreze homeless people. Is that what you thought it was? Well, this isn’t a game show. It’s nice. Who would you give a dollar to? The guy that smells like liquid garbage or ocean breeze? It’s a no-brainer. You’re gonna make it rain on number two. Make it rain. “Thank you, rap community, for continuing to keep women in their place,” he said with heavy sarcasm. If you don’t know, it’s when you throw cash on the hos. I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah, that’s when you throw change on sluts. [imitates whooshing] “Ow! Are those nickels?” “Yeah. It’s a down economy. I’m a baller on a budget, bitch.” You see that? You see that? Keep an open hand. That’ll keep you out of prison. I don’t know if that’s true… Just in case anybody goes home tonight and decides to beat the shit out of their– “I kept an open hand. Your honor, the comedian clearly stated…” […] Some issues I go a little left on. I heart abortion. Fine. Where’s that t-shirt, urban outfitters? I’ll buy one. Large, preshrunk, cotton-poly blend, overpriced, but very soft. Just says “I heart abortion.” not a regular heart, an unborn fetus heart that has been vacuumed out. Look at it. What, it’s okay for them to stick it on a poster board, shove it into some kid’s face that’s making the toughest decision of her life, but I embrace it and I’m the a-hole? Got it. What’s the back of the shirt say? “Problem solved.” It says, “go back to being selfish. “Your life’s not over just yet. “Don’t have to take all those failed dreams and cram ’em down somebody else’s throat.” Back of the shirt’s long. People may bump into you, like, “sorry, I was reading that horrible shirt. Where are you headed?” “Sarah Palin’s house.” [laughter] Speaking of awful parents, Joe Jackson deserves a lifetime achievement award. Holy cow. I like when people acted shocked that Michael died. Are you kidding me? Michael was on borrowed time as soon as he switched races. Don’t act so sad over his death. Are you kidding? There’s a reason– there’s a reason his reunion tour was in London. Nobody in America wants to watch a 50-year-old man scoot backwards. [laughter] [cheers and applause] […] I was making love to this girl recently. Let’s say she’s 19. There’s no bouncer in my bedroom. You’re in. She says to me during the act of lovemaking, “Hey, Daniel, what’s it like having sex with a condom on?” I’m like, “how should I know?” I didn’t say that. We need time machines. What I said was way less romantic. I said, “oh. It’s a lot like picking up dog shit with a bag,” which I thought then and think now is a spot-on analogy. Like, you know there’s dog poo in your hand, but you don’t freak out. [laughter] [applause] […] Sometimes when I’m out at night and I see a group of women, I like to walk up to ’em and pretend that I’m a judge at a dog show. And I just go, “mm. “third, second, first… In that order!” [applause] They love it. They want to be judged. They spend a lot of time getting ready. There’s not a girl in here that wouldn’t like to go home tonight with a blue ribbon on. Her friend’s like, “where did you get that ugly ribbon?” “Oh, some guy at the bar thought I won.” “Katie didn’t even place. I know. It’s crazy.” If I see a really hot chick, I’ll grab her by the crotch and the throat and be like, “best in show.” Little heavy. Should have picked one from the toy group. Big can be beautiful, okay? Just not to me. I find you disgusting. Freshman 15’s not a life sentence. Okay? […] We’re too fat. We’re just too fat. I was on a plane recently that was delayed over three hours at the gate because they ran out of seat-belt extensions. Do you even know what seat-belt extensions are? Seat belts only go this big. [laughter] Some people need an extra 6 1/2 feet of nylon to strap in, as if any collision would unwedge them. […] I love that the modeling industry gets attacked for being too skinny. Really, America? You’re not too big? Mm-mm. Is something in your mouth? Mm-mm. Do you know why they say that– that models are too skinny? It’s because parents are horrible. They can’t tell their 16-year-old daughter that she’s not really a princess. Well, guess what. I can. If you’re 16 years old and you think the only difference between you and Gisele is your waistline and not your busted face… Here’s some advice– fill up the paxil, because life is gonna be really sad. If you’re walking around like, “well, why am I not a supermodel yet?” Who are you even looking at, seabiscuit? “Oh, I want to be a model.” Do you want me to explain it to you? Let’s start with your jawline. That’s not gonna sell a lot of makeup in the magazines. “But I’m skinny.” you are a troll. My advice, have a twinkie, get real good at math, because life is not gonna be easy for you. I’m sorry if this is your wake-up call, but being an ugly woman is like being a man. You’re gonna have to work. Yep. Thank you very much, you guys. Thank you. Thanks for coming out. [cheers and applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Hasan Minhaj at 2017 White House Correspondents’ Dinner – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hasan-minhaj-white-house-correspondents-dinner-transcript/

Hasan Minhaj’s full comedy routine at the 2017 White House Correspondents’ Dinner. The comedian told one blistering joke after another about the sitting President of the United States, Donald Trump, and the media that covers him.  Okay, listen, I get it. I get it. We gotta address the elephant that’s not in the room. The leader of our country is not here. And that’s because he lives in Moscow. It is a very long flight. It’d be hard for Vlad to make it. Vlad can’t just make it on a Saturday. It’s a Saturday. * * * Thank you, wow, oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the series finale of the White House correspondents’ dinner. Oh man. My name is Hasan Minhaj, or, as I will be known in a few weeks, Number 830287. Who would have thought, with everything going on in the country, that a Muslim would be standing on this stage — for the ninth year in a row, baby. We had eight years of Barack. What’s another year? I see you, fam. I see you, Barry. What you doing? You jet-skiing while the world burns. That’s cool. That’s cool. That’s cool. For those of you who do not know me, I’m a correspondent on the Daily Show on Comedy Central. Now, I see some of you whispering to each other. What is Comedy Central? It’s basically an internship for Netflix. I would like to thank Jeff Mason and the White House Correspondents’ Association for having me. I would say it is an honor to be here, but that would be alternative fact. It is not. Uh, no one wanted to do this. So, of course, it lands in the hands of an immigrant. That’s how it always goes down. No one wanted this gig. No one. Don Rickles died just so you wouldn’t ask him to do this gig, all right? RIP to Don Rickles, the only Donald with skin thick enough to take a joke like that. RIP to the legend. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That’s my only — that’s my only Trump joke. I was explicitly told not to go after the administration, I promise you that’s my only Trump joke. Believe me. It is amazing to be surrounded by some of the greatest journalists in the world and, yet, when we all checked into the Hilton on Friday we all got a USA Today. Every time a USA Today slides underneath my door, it’s like they’re saying, “Hey, you’re not that smart, right?” USA Today is what happens when the coupon section takes over the newspaper. Is this an article about global warming or 50 cents off Tide? Either way, the pictures are so pretty. Tonight is about defending the First Amendment and the free press, and I am truly honored to be here, even though all of Hollywood pulled out. Now that King Joffrey is president, it feels like the Red Wedding in here. For the record, the WHCA is a group of journalists; they are not King Joffrey’s goons. I am so glad you are all here to honor a great American tradition because we all know this administration loves deleting history faster than Anthony Weiner when he hears footsteps. So thank you for being here. Okay, listen, I get it. I get it. We gotta address the elephant that’s not in the room. The leader of our country is not here. And that’s because he lives in Moscow. It is a very long flight. It’d be hard for Vlad to make it. Vlad can’t just make it on a Saturday. It’s a Saturday. As for the other guy, I think he’s in Pennsylvania because he can’t take a joke. Now, for the nine people watching on C-SPAN, there also was another elephant in the room, but Donald Trump Jr. shot it and cut off its tail. You know, a lot of people told me, “Hasan, if you go after the administration, it would be petty, unfair and childish.” In other words, presidential, so here we go. I get why Donald Trump didn’t want to be roasted tonight. By the looks of him, he has been roasting nonstop for the past 70 years. Historically the president usually performs at the correspondents’ dinner, but I think I speak for all of us when I say he’s done far too much bombing this month. Now, a lot of people in the media say that Donald Trump goes golfing too much. You guys are always like, “He goes golfing too much,” which raises a very important question: Why do you care? Do you want to know what he is doing when he’s golfing? Being president. Let the man putt-putt. Keep him distracted. Teach him how to play badminton. Tell him he has a great body for bobsledding. Play him tic-tac-toe. The longer you keep him distracted, the longer we are not at war with North Korea. Every time he goes golfing, the headline should read: Trump golfing Apocalypse delayed Take the W. This is great. I love this. Even if you guys groan, I’ve already hired Kellyanne Conway. She’s going to go on TV Monday and tell everybody that I killed, so it really doesn’t matter. But I love that everybody is drinking, having a good time. This is beautiful. You know that Donald Trump doesn’t drink, right? Does not touch alcohol, which is oddly respectable. But think about that. That means every statement, every interview, every tweet — completely sober. How is that possible? We’ve all had that excuse, haven’t we? Been like, “I said what? No, listen, babe, I swear to you I was hammered. That’s not who I really am.” What does Donald Trump tell Melania? “Listen, babe, last year on that bus with Billy Bush? That’s exactly who I am.” He tweets at 3 a.m. sober. Who is tweeting at 3 a.m. sober? Donald Trump. Because it’s 10 a.m. in Russia; those are business hours. You know, now that a professional wrestler is our president, anything is possible. You know that statement ‘anything is possible,’ used to have a positive connotation? Anything is possible! Now, we’re all like, “Anything is possible.” Anything. The news coming out of the White House is so stressful, I’ve been watching House of Cards just to relax. I’m just like, “Oh, man. A congressman pushed a journalist in front of a moving train? That’s quaint.” Now, it’s not just the president who decided not to show up. His entire administration is not here. Betsy DeVos couldn’t be here; she’s busy curating her collection of children’s tears. Now, a lot of people think Betsy DeVos is out of touch with working-class America, but you listen to me, and you listen to me right now: Every morning, Betsy DeVos is up at 5 a.m., putting her children on their flight to school. So don’t you tell me she’s out of touch, okay? Hey, has anyone seen Rick Perry since he became energy secretary? I have a feeling he’s sitting in a room full of plutonium, waiting to become Spider-Man. That’s just my hunch. Now a lot of people think Steve Bannon is the reason Donald Trump dog-whistles to racists. That is just not true. Ask Steve Bannon. Is Steve Bannon here? I do not see Steve Bannon. I do not see Steve Bannon. Not see Steve Bannon. Nazi Steve Bannon. Nazi Steve Bannon. Frederick Douglass isn’t here, and that’s because he’s dead. Someone please tell the president. Mike Pence wanted to be here tonight, but his wife wouldn’t let him because apparently one of you ladies is ovulating. Sooo … good job, ladies. Because of you, we couldn’t hang out with Mike Pence. Now, Ivanka Trump isn’t here, either, and I wish she was. Because if she was here, I would ask her the question we’re all thinking: Why? Why do you support this man? ’Cause I get it. We all love our parents. But we wouldn’t endorse them for president. If someone was like, “Hey, Hasan, should your dad be president of the United States?” I’d be like, “My dad, Najme Minhaj? The guy who tries to return used underwear to Costco? No.” Jeff Sessions couldn’t be here tonight. He was busy doing a pre-Civil War reenactment. On his RSVP, he just wrote no — just no, which happens to be his second-favorite N-word. You know, even Hillary Clinton couldn’t be here tonight. Hillary Clinton couldn’t — I mean she could have been here, but I think someone told her that the event was in Wisconsin and Michigan. What? What? You guys, Nate Silver told me that joke would kill. Nate Silver told me there was a 74.1 percent chance of that joke killing. I believed you, Nate. Did you hear that groan, Nate? I can’t believe I believed you, man. Okay, enough about House Slytherin, we are here to talk about the truth. It is 2017, and we are living in the golden age of lying. Now is the time to be a liar, and Donald Trump is liar in chief. And remember you guys are public enemy Number 1. You are his biggest enemy. Journalists, ISIS, normal-length ties. And somehow, you’re the bad guys. That’s why you have to keep your foot on the gas. Especially with Sean Spicer, who is not here tonight because I think he is at home googling how to fake his own death. But I love it when you give it to Sean Spicer. Sean Spicer gives press briefings like someone is going through his browser history while he watches. Just panic. Like, “No, wait, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop shaking your head. Stop shaking your head. Stop shaking your head. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” It is the best. Now, you guys are laughing, but realize Sean Spicer has been doing PR since 1999. He has been doing this job for 18 years, and somehow after 18 years his go-to move when you ask him a tough question is denying the Holocaust. That is insane. How many people do you know that can turn a press briefing into a full-on Mel Gibson traffic stop? Only the Spice man. Only the Spice man. You know what’s crazy? Every day on the Daily Show, we do these jokes all of the time. We’re like: “The administration lies. Trump flip-flops.” It doesn’t matter. His supporters still trust him. It has not stopped his momentum at all. It’s almost as if the Daily Show should be on C-SPAN. It has left zero impact. It’s true. And I realized something: Maybe it is because we are living in this strange time where trust is more important than truth. Supporters of President Trump trust him, and I know journalists, you guys, are definitely trying to do good work. I just think a lot of people don’t trust you right now, and can you blame them? I mean unlike Anderson Cooper’s bone structure, you guys have been far from perfect. Remember election night? I mean, that was your Steve Harvey Miss Universe moment. The look on your faces at 11 p.m. on election night. It was like walking into a Panera Bread and finding out your sixth-grade teacher has a part-time job there. I was like what? Mr. Leddington? I guess you don’t have all the answers. It was all fun and games with Obama, right? You were covering an adult who could speak English. And now you’re covering President Trump, so you have to take your game to a whole new level. It’s like a bunch of stripper cops have to solve a real-life murder. Fox News is here. I’m amazed you guys even showed up. How are you here in public? It’s hard to trust you guys when you backed a man like Bill O’Reilly for years. But it finally happened. Bill O’Reilly has been fired. But then, you gave him a $25 million severance package, making it the only package he won’t force a woman to touch. Now, in O’Reilly’s defense, he was told by a close friend: “When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.” You guys are having a hard time with Jesse Watters right now, too. He’s on a break right now. Right, he’s on a break. Just like my childhood dog is staying on a farm upstate. I get it. I know that move. Now, I know some of you are wondering, “Hasan, how do you know so much about Fox News?” As a Muslim, I like to watch Fox News for the same reason I like to play “Call of Duty.” Sometimes, I like to turn my brain off and watch strangers insult my family and heritage. MSNBC is here tonight, and I’m glad you guys are here tonight. That way, if I’m bombing, Brian Williams will describe it as stunning. It’s hard to trust you guys when you sending us so many mixed messages. On the one hand, you tell us the prison-industrial complex is the problem, and then you air five straight hours of “Lockup.” You can’t be mad at corporations profiting off of minorities in prison when you’re a corporation profiting off of minorities in prison. It’s like … I have one quick request: MSNBC, please tell Rachel Maddow to chill about Trump’s tax returns. I don’t know what you think you’ll find in there, but there’s isn’t going to be a line item that just says “bribes from Russia.” That’s not how it works. You’re going to be like: “Oh, I found the 1040. USSR.” It doesn’t work like that. You’re the liberal news outlet. Look, we dress the same. I look like a melanin version of Chris Hayes. I want to root for you guys, but you’re turning into conspiracy theorists. Every night, you’re like: “The Russians hacked our elections. The Russians hacked our elections.” Meanwhile, everybody in Latin America and the Middle East is like: “Ah, a foreign government tampered with your elections? What is that like? Do tell, MSNBC.” Just pump the brakes. We’re only on Day 100. By the end of the year, you’re all going to have tinfoil hats and jars of urine all over your desks. Now, I had a lot more MSNBC jokes, but I don’t want to just ramble on; otherwise, I might get a show on MSNBC. Last but not least, my favorite entertainment channel is in the building tonight. CNN is here, baby. Now, you guys got some really weird trust issues going on with the public. I’m not going to call you fake news, but everything isn’t breaking news. You can’t go to Defcon 1 just because Sanjay Gupta found a new moisturizer. Every time a story breaks, you guys go to nine screens. Nine boxes on the screen. I’m trying to watch the news, not pick a player in “Street Fighter.” It’s giving me anxiety. If you have nine experts on a panel, what is your barrier of entry? Here to talk about transportation infrastructure is my Uber driver, Gary. Gary, what have you got? It just says, “Gary, 4.8 stars.” He’s like: “I don’t know. I got a mint.” “Thanks, Gary. Let’s go to the countdown clock to the next countdown clock. All you guys do is stoke up conflict. Don, every time I watch your show, it feels like I am watching a reality-TV show. “CNN Tonight” should just be called “Wait a Second. Now Hold On. Stop Yelling at Each Other,” with Don Lemon. You know you’re news right? Come on. But every time I watch CNN, it feels like you’re assigning me homework. “Is Trump a Russian spy? I don’t know. You tell me. Tweet us @AC360.” No, you tell me. I’m watching the news. But it feels like I’m watching CNN watch the news. Please just take an hour, figure out what you want to say. Then go on the air. But whenever I turn you guys on, it feels like a little kid just ran into the room and is trying to tell you a story. You’re just like: “There’s a wall. [Inaudible]Paul Ryan.” Breathe. Take a minute. Drink some milk. Then tell us the story, Wolf. I know I’m busting balls. I don’t have a solution on how to win back trust. I don’t. But in the age of Trump, I know that you guys have to be more perfect now more than ever. Because are you are how the president gets his news. Not from advisers, not from experts, not from intelligence agencies, you guys. So that’s why you gotta be on your A-game. You gotta be twice as good. You can’t make any mistakes. Because when one of you messes up, he blames your entire group. And now you know what it feels like to be a minority. And I see some of you guys complaining. Like, “What? I gotta work twice as hard for half the credit?” Remember, you’re a minority. You guys have a lot more experience than me, but I got three decades of being brown, so if you want to survive the age of Trump, you got to think like a minority. And now that you’re a minority, oh man, everyone is going to expect you to be a mouthpiece for the entire group. So, I hate to say it, but somewhere, right now, all of you are being represented by Geraldo Rivera. See now that you are truly a minority, there’s a distorted version of you out there. You know, Taco Bell for Mexican culture. Panda Express for Chinese culture. Huffington Post for journalism. And then, when you actually manage to do great work, you get hit with the most condescending line in the English language: “Hey, you’re actually one of the good ones.” Then you have to smile and say thank you. Kind of sucks, doesn’t it? By the way, you guys aren’t really minorities; you guys are super white. But, but — I could see MSNBC being like, “We got our minority card.” No. But your work is invaluable. I mean that as a fake journalist. I am rooting for you. We are 100 days in; 1,360 days to go. You guys are running the marathon, and I’m at the half-mile mark giving you tape for your nipples. So I’m wishing you nothing but the best. You chafed, Van? You a little chafed? It’s a long way to go. This has been one of the strangest events I have ever done in my life. I’m being honest with you. I feel like I am a tribute in the Hunger Games. Like, if this goes poorly, Steve Bannon gets to eat me. But I was asked to not roast the president and the administration, in absentia, and I completely understand that. We are in a very strange situation where there is a very combative relationship between the press and the president. But now that you guys are minorities — just for this moment — you might understand the position I was in. And it’s the same position a lot of minority kids feel in this country. And it’s, you know, do I come up here and just try to fit in and not ruffle any feathers? Or do I say how I really feel? Because this event is about celebrating the First Amendment and free speech. Free speech is the foundation of an open and liberal democracy, from college campuses to the White House. Only in America can a first-generation, Indian American Muslim kid get on the stage and make fun of the president. The orange man behind the Muslim ban. And it’s a sign to the rest of the world. It’s this amazing tradition that shows the entire world that even the president is not beyond the reach of the First Amendment. Keeping up with politics is easy now. But the president didn’t show up. Because Donald Trump doesn’t care about free speech. The man who tweets that everything that enters his head refuses to acknowledge the amendment that allows him to do it. Think about it. It’s almost — what is it? It’s 11? It’s 11 p.m. right now. In four hours, Donald Trump will be tweeting about how bad Nicki Minaj bombed at this dinner. And he’ll be doing that completely sober. And that’s his right. And I’m proud that all of us are here tonight to defend that right, even if the man in the White House never would. So, I would like to thank the White House Correspondents’ Association for having me here. I want to thank all of you. I want to thank Woodward and Bernstein for inspiring a generation of journalists. And I would like to thank Donald Trump for inspiring the next. Thank you so much. It’s been an honor. Good night. I love you. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BILL HICKS: RELENTLESS (1991) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-hicks-relentless-1992-transcript/

Recorded in 1991 at the Centaur Theatre during the annual Just for Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal, Canada by Bill Hicks Aaaah, it’s great to be here, it really is. I love my job and I love being here, performing for you. And I love my job, it’s the greatest job in the world for one very simple reason, and it’s not that sharing of laughter ‘n all that horse-shit. Aah… it’s the fact that I don’t have a boss, ha, ha, ha, ha… picture that if you will. And then envy me because, every job I ever had with a boss man always harassed, you know: “Hicks! How come you’re not working?” I go: “There’s nothing to do” “Well, you pretend that you’re working” “Why don’t you pretend I’m working? Yeaah, you get paid more than me, you fantasise. Pretend I’m mopping, knock yourself out. No, pretend they’re buying stuff: We can close up! I’m the boss now, you’re fired. How’s that for a fantasy my friend? Ah! You like that? Good” I don’t know… I’ve got a bad attitude man. I don’t have a bad attitude, I’ve got a great attitude, I’ve just got a classic face that… I don’t know what’s wrong with my face, but people I don’t even know walk up to me out of the blue and go: “What’s wrong?” “…Nothing…?” “Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile” “Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone? Yeah, really. So why don’t you get out of my face… …and watch me fucking really start smiling, ha, ha, ha, ha…!” “I hate you” So, I’m up here ‘n it’s Canada and I’m thinking, you know, Canada; Cold… aah, aih, aih, aih, huskies, you know and I’m wearing if you noticed the BLACK! cotton fucking turtle-neck. Because, ladies and gentlemen, apparently summertime MEANS THE SAME THING, EVEN IN THE FRENCH PROVINCES! “What are you, a fucking idiot, it’s summertime you fucking moron… D… during the wintertime the shapely girls are wearing parkas, you’re locked out!” Wearing parkas and big boots and their socks. I don’t like the summertime cause everyone goes to the beach, I don’t understand the beach. The beach, the beach, the beach… “Let’s go to the beach”, “Oh, I love the summertime, it’s so worm finally, let’s go to the beach, oooooh”… What’s the fucking deal with the beach, I don’t get it. It’s where dirt meats water, alright? Is that that fucking amazing to you? I’ve got a bathtub and an imagination, I’m staying indoors this summer. That way I can listen to music that I like. Maybe I’m just jealous man, everyone at the beach is perfect, you know; tanned, white teeth, I’ve got white skin, tanned teeth… …NOT my environment. You put me under a neon beer light, I look pretty cool… You know my problem, I’m so pale man, I take my shirt of at the beach, it’s like a fucking prism man. People are just: “Bill, put your shirt back on, we can’t find our towels!” All these moths are bumping into me… What did moths bump into before electric light bulbs were invented, that’s what I wanna know. Well the light bulb really screwed the moth up, didn’t it? First light bulb ever turned on, billions of moths… “Hey, hey, hey, what’s the fucking deal; it’s a light bulb, chill out!” What did they do before? There’re moths on their way to the sun right now: “C’mon, it’s goanna be worth it… …Fuck it, let’s go find Hicks” “Alright” OK. I just don’t fit in man. I don’t fit in anywhere, that’s my problem. You know my problem? I watch too much news. I don’t know if you ever, ever, ever sat and watched CNN longer than, say… …20 hours in one day. I’ve got to cut that out. If you ever watch CNN headline news for any length of time it’s the most depressing fucking thing you will ever do; “War, famine, death, AIDS, homeless, recession, depression, war, famine death, AIDS…” Then you look out your window it’s just: [imitates the sound of crickets chirping] Where is all this shit happening man? Ted Turner is making this shit up! Jane Fonda won’t sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: “By 1992 we will all die of AIDS – Read that on the air. I don’t get laid, nobody gets laid” [Applause] I mean I’m writing to Jane Fonda: “Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news please?” I wanna see a well laid Ted Turner newscast: “Hey, it’s all gonna work out – here’s sports” Some big stupid grin: “Woo, woo, ho, ha, ha, fuck, I’m getting laid right now, fucking hey!” So, I’m from the States, as you can tell by my complete lack of sophistication, but that’s o.k…. …because I’ve greased my hair ‘n I’m a little FUCKING POET, tonight, alright? I’m the little dark poet, that’s who I am. And during ah, we have this big war thing happening, I don’t know if you caught any of that, but uh… It was a very stressful time for me the war, I’ll tell you why; I was in the unenviable position of being FOR the war BUT against the troops. …not the most popular stands I’ve ever taken on an issue, I must say alright? I don’t choose wisely always and yet, I’m committed. So, first of all – this needs to be said – there never was a war. “How can you say that Bill?” Well… a war is when TWO armies are fighting… …so you see it right there… we can all agree… wasn’t exactly a war. And Bush, president Bush, complete surprise, he turned into a demon man. But when he was first president, they called him ‘the wimp – president‘, I mean this was the cover of ‘Newsweek’; “WwwwwIMP – PRESIDENT” Apparently this stuck in the guy’s crow. The guy turned into a fucking demon man: “We surrender” – “Not good enough” “We’ll run away” – “Too little, too late… …we’re having WAY too much fun” Those guys were in hog heaven out there, you understand man? They had a big weapons’ catalogue opened up: “What’s G-12 dude Tommy?” “Well, it says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth. Helps us pay for the war effort.” “Well, shit, pull that one up” “Pull up G-12 please” [Sound of explosion] “Cool, what’s G-13 here?” Weapons. For all occasions. And everyone got excited about the technology and I guess it was pretty incredible watching a missile fly down an air vent, pretty unbelievable, but couldn’t we feasibly use that same technology to shoot food to hungry people? You know what I mean? Fly over the Ethiopia: “There’s a guy that needs a banana!” [Applause] “Thank you, thank you…” The stealth – banana. Smart fruit! And I watched the Iraquian technology, man, I’ve never felt so good about myself, I look if I’ve got bell buttons in my clothes n’ go; – ” It ain’t that fucking bad man.” What was the technology they were buying, where do they, do they still, there’s available still now, where did they… they can get harder shit off the streets of New York right now man. Don’t you think that one of the key prerequisites of a weapon system is, I don’t know, the ability to aim the fucking thing? Is that, am I, is that, I don’t know a lot about the military, and yeah, I feel that would be keen. What was the scud, it was like launching a station wagon at people man. Some Buick flying through the air, some Iraqi driving: “Allaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” “Watch out, here come one of them Buick scuds. Watch out, watch out, up!, in the ocean. Those things are so hard to steer, ha, ha!” “Allah… Allah… ah, Allah?” “Allah” “Another Buick’s gone” I guess the most amazing thing about the war is obviously the disparity of casualties: Iraq – 150 THOUSAND casualties, USA… 79! Ha ha ha!!! Let’s go through those numbers again, ah, they’re a little baffling at first glance; Iraq – 150 thousand, USA… 79, 79! 79? Does that mean that if we had sent over 80 guys, we still would have won that fucking thing, what? Just one guy in a ticker tape parade: “I did it, hey!” Once again though, I was watching the CNN man and they blew it all man, all the anxiety. Remember how it started? They kept talking about the ‘Elite Republican Guard’ in these hushed tones, remember that? Like they where the boogieman, you know; “Yeah, we’re doing well, but we have yet to face… …the ‘Elite Republican Guard’.” Yeah, like these guys are ten feet tall, desert warriors; “NEVER LOST A BATTLE!” “WE SHIT BULLETS!” Well, after two and a half months of continuous carpet bombing and not ONE reaction at all from these fuckers, …they became simply the ‘Republican Guard’, not merely as ‘Elite’ as we may have led you to believe. And after one month of continuous bombing not one reaction AT ALL, they went from the ‘Elite Republican Guard’ to the ‘Republican Guard’ to the ‘Republicans made this shit up about there being guards out there… we hope you enjoyed your firework show. People said: “Aha Bill, Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world” Yeah, well, maybe, but you know what, after the first three largest armies, there’s a real big fucking drop-off, OK? The Hare Krisnas are the fifth largest army in the world. And they’ve already got our airports, so… …who is the greater threat? People have bugged me in the States, people said: “Hey, the war made us feel better about ourselves” “Really?” Who are these people with such low self-esteem, …they need a war to feel better about themselves? I saw them on the news waving their flags. Can I recommend that instead of a war to feel better about yourselves, perhaps… …sit-ups, maybe a fruit-cup, six to eight glasses of water a day. I’m not telling you how to live, I’m just recommending a perhaps better way to feel better about yourself. And we can avoid the conflagration, ha, ha, ha… Merely a suggestion. Take a tip? I’m down south recently, I’m playing in a town called Fyffe, Alabama, alright? It’s right outside Spotnemberg for those you all who need a point of reference. Anyway, I’m down there in Fyffe, they want me to host their annual rickets telethon. Alright, whatever. It’s great to be able to give something back. Anyway, in this town – this is absolutely true; it was in all the papers, it was on ‘CNN’. apparently everyone in this town saw these UFO’s. Everyone in the town saw the UFO’s, Bleachee, the mayor, they all saw the fucking UFO’s, alright? And I’m curious, I ask people what it was like. “Oh, man, it was incredible, incredible. People came from miles around to look at them… A lot of people came armed.” “Excuse me? People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings?” Don’t you think there’s a point where we’re gonna drop the fucking weapons, I mean, whoa, the mother ship comes: “Ah, maybe we don’t know everything” Ouaou! They’re like some intergalactic fucking skeet shoot: Bringing shotguns to UFO sightings man, kind of gives a whole new meaning to that phrase: “You ain’t from around here, are you boy?” “Yeap, they are little green people, we call them boogers.” So I said to the guy, I go: “Why do you all bring shotguns to UFO sightings?” He says: “Well… we don’t wanna be abducted” I’m thinking: “Yeah, and leave all this? Ha, ha.” “Dude, if I lived in this town, I’d be on my hands and knees praying for abduction every fucking day, alright? And I wouldn’t be picky? Greyhound. “Abduct me” I said: “What do you mean abducted?” He said: “Well…they abduct people and they perform scientific and medical experiments on ’em” I said: “Well, maybe we’ll be lucky and it’s some type of sterility dentistry program they’ve got going… Maybe they’ll come down, castrate you, straighten your teeth and split. Sort of a ‘clean-up-the-universe’ pack.” He said: “Huh?” I’ll tell you something too that’s starting to annoy me about UFO’s the fact that they cross galaxies or universes to visit us and always end up in places like… …Fyffe fucking Alabama. Maybe these aren’t super-intelligent beings, you know what I mean, maybe they’re like hillbilly aliens. Some intergalactic Joad family or something, you know. Don’t you all wanna land in New York, or L.A.? “Nah, we just had a long trip, we gonna kick back and whittle some, woo, woo, hi!” Oh my God, they’re idiots! “We’re gonna enter our motor ship in the tractor pool, woo, ha ha!” Last thing I wanna see is a flying saucer up on blocks in front of some trailer, you know. Bumper sticker on it: “They’ll get my ray gun when they ply my cold dead 18 finger hand off of it!” Oh my God, we’re being invaded by rednecks! Get this! Another true story, this is gonna frighten you, cause it’s absolutely true. I’m down in that town Fyffe, after the show I go to a waffle house – I’m not proud of it, I’m hungry. I’m eating, I’m alone, and I’m reading a book. Waitress walks over to me… “Hey, what’s you reading for?” Is that like the weirdest question ever? I have never, ever been asked that. I mean not that ‘what are you reading?’ oh, OK you know, but ‘WHAT ARE YOU READING FOR?’ “Shit, you stumped me…. Why do I read, hm. Oh, I don’t, I don’t know… …guess I read for a lot of reasons, you know, one of them is I don’t end up being a fucking waffle waitress, alright?” Then, this trucker at the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes; “Well, looks like we’ve got ourselves a reader” “What the fuck’s going on here? Like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George outfit or something… It’s a fucking book, I read, there, I said it.” Waitress goes: “Why read when you can just flip on the tube?” “Cause it’s not the same. What do you think I’m reading, ‘Hee-haw the book?” She said: “Huh?” So, have you ever been in a waffle house and you noticed that the uh, menus has pictures of the food on it? Yeah… It is frightening to know that in many parts of our world right now, people are yelling; “Revolution, revolution”… and in other parts they are yelling: “Evolution! We want our thumbs!” It’s an insane world ‘n I’m proud to be part of it. I do smoke and if this bothers anybody, I recommend you looking around in the world in which we live and… …shut your fucking mouth! Ha, ha, ha, ha!!! …I doubt it. How many, ah oh, oh, oh, quickly, how many non-smokers are here tonight, non-smokers, by round of applause, lets hear it non-smokers… …Good. Cause I have something I wanna tell you ‘n I’m glad you all conglomerated here tonight. Saved me some breath …which is obviously very short. I love– I’m gonna tell you non-smokers something right now that I know for a fact you don’t know and I delight in telling my brothers things they don’t know, particularly when they’re true, which this is. Ready? Non-smokers. Ready? Drum-roll…Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… Non-smokers die every day. Ha, ha, ha…. Sleep tight.  You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy, …because you’ve chosen not to smoke. That may be the first to PHOOF!, pop that fucking bubble… and send you hurling back to reality… you’re dead too. And you know what doctors say: “Shit, if only you smoked, we’d have the technology to help you, ha, ha.” It’s you people dying from nothing, that are screwed. I’ve got all sorts of neat shit waiting for me: oxygen lung, tents, just like going to ‘Sharper Image’ when I die. Yeah…people say the stupidest things to you: “Hey, quit smoking, you’ll get your sense of smell back.” “I live in New York City, I don’t want my sense of smell.” “Is that urine?” “I think I smell a dead fellow” Anyone remember this? This is pretty weird? Anyone remember when Yul Brynner died, they came out with that commercial after he was dead? You remember that? “I’m Yul Brynner and I’m dead now.” “What the fuck’s this guy showing?” “I’m Yul Brynner ‘n I’m dead now, ’cause I smoked cigarettes.” Pretty scary, but they could had done that with anybody man. A guy in the States, this guy Jim Ficks, was a health nut, runner, jogger, wrote books about jogging, had a heart-attack… …while jogging and died, ha, ha, ha… They should have done that commercial with that guy; “I’m Jim Ficks and I’m dead now… …’n I don’t know what the fuck happened! I jogged everyday, ate nothing but tofu, I’m dead. Yul Brynner smoked, drunk and got laid every night of his life, he’s dead… …Shit! Yul Brynner smoking, drinking, girls are sitting on his cue ball noggin every night of his life!” But I know what you non-smokers are thinking right now; “That’s real cute Bill, that’s real cute. That’s a cute little smoking thing you just did. And we want you to keep doing in son while you still have THE BREATH LEFT IN YOU TO DO IT!” That is my big fear in life; doing smoking jokes in my act you know and then showing up 5 years from now; “Good evening everybody. Remember me? I was wrong. Smoking is real fucking bad for you. No joke!” Yeah… I’ve seen people do that, you ever seen anyone do that? Is that the spookiest fucking thing you’ve ever seen? Ever seen that, isn’t it unbelievable? If you’re smoking out of a hole in your fucking neck… I’d think about quitting. When you’re into that point, chew some gum or something, I’m not, not telling you how to live, I’m recommending; use your options. This shows a commitment I cannot fucking relate to, man. I mean, we’re beyond image at that point, I think, you know. Jesus! What’s next for that guy, you know? “I just can’t stop! It gets worse and worse every year! I’m telling you man, I can’t quiiiiiiiiiiit!!! I cannot quit smoking! They’re starting to taste like shit!” “Dude you have a cigarette in your BUTT! May I recommend nicorret gum? “I’m Bill Hicks and I’m dead now, cause I smoked cigarettes. Cigarettes didn’t kill me. A bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one night. I tried to run, they had more energy than I. I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing. But now I’m in heaven. Sniffing Yul Brynner’s noggin: “Snf, OOOOH, PARTY TIME!!! Snf, OOOOOH!!!” See, imagine being in heaven with Yul Brynner, being Yul Brynner right, Jim Ficks is there, we’re comparing our lives; “Hey you, remember that one night we got so fucked up, we got laid ‘n all those girls we’re fucking ’em…” “Right, that was great, ha, ha, ha, ha… … Jim, what about you?” “Ww, one night I ate too much tofu and then went jogging…” – “Yeah great, hum, anyway…” Man, I just uh, I know it’s nasty but I’m addicted alright? And they taste so good too… It’s a shame that’s secondary smoke that stinks so bad, ’cause the stuff we’re sucking up is fucking great man; Stake and potatoes… lobster… Yul Brynner’s noggin. Aou… I’m a heavy smoker, I go through about two lighters a day now and uuh…is that a lot? You can’t imagine how thrilled I was – any smoker to be – to find out that there’s a different warning on each pack. Mine saying: “Warning; Smoking may cause fetal injury, or premature birth.” “Fuck it! Found my brand.” Just don’t get the ones that say lung cancer, you know. Shop around. It is your body. “Yeah, give me a carton of low birth-weights.” I put it down. No one knows what pornography is, that’s the problem. Supreme Court of the United States says that pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thought, that’s their definition; “No artistic merit – causes sexual thoughts” Well, that sounds like every commercial on television to me. You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial… …I’m almost embarrassed to tell you all this, uh… … I’m not thinking of gum, ha, ha, ha… “Double your pleasure…” “Yeah honey, where’s the Wrigglies, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha… I feel like chewing something… …ALL DAY!!!” Doesn’t every commercial blatantly use sex to sell a product? I believe most of them do. Here is the commercial they’d like to do, I guarantee you. We may see this one day yet, but this is the ultimate television commercial they want to do; Here’s the woman’s face – Beautiful. Camera pulls back – Naked breasts. Camera pulls back – she’s totally naked, legs apart… … two fingers right here. And it just says: “Drink Coke.” Now, I don’t know the connection here, but coke is on my shopping list this week. “S-nickerrrss!!” “Doctor pepperrrr…” No I don’t know the connection, yes I am buying these products. My teeth are rotting out of my head, I’m glued to my television; “More snickers, more coke! More snickers, more coke! I love these products… “ But you see, once again, my voice, the voice was not heard, my voice was not heard, the questions where not asked that I wanted to see asked. Once again the issue just went berserk; Pornography causes sexual thoughts. No one asked these four questions; “Yea – And – So – What?” Ha, ha, ha…. When did sex become a bad thing? D, did I miss a meeting? “Bill, we had a big vote: fucking is out, you were asleep.” “Can I still vote?” Playboy: Pornography – causes sexual thought. Penthouse: Pornography – causes sexual thought. Madonna videos: Pornography – causes sexual thoughts. You know what causes sexual thoughts? I’m gonna clear the air for you tonight, I’m gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, …because outer space awaits our presence and we are better and more unique creatures than this and uh all eternity is our playground, so let me go out and clear this one issue out once and for all and let’s move on to real issues, can we? Great. Here’s what causes sexual thought, you ready? Drum roll, bprrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… … having a dick. Or, if you’re a woman having, you know. But whatever, I’m speaking for me tonight. And I can speak for every guy in this room tonight too! Guys, in the course of our day, ANYTHING can cause sexual fucking thought: You could be on a bus, a trolley, it’s rocking kind of… … pants are a little tight… “Oh my God, I’m getting a woody! I’m getting a woody on a bus!” What are we gonna do, ban public transportation? Before Playboy, before Penthouse, before pornographic movies or Madonna videos ever existed, people still had sexual thoughts, OK? “How do you know that?” “We’re here… Somebody’s been fucking! You follow your family tree back and every branch… … fucking.” Sure, what caused the way back then? Well, maybe the wagon trail ride out west; I don’t know what she has under that gingham skirt, but when we stop for water baby, we’re fucking, ha! I gotta woody on the trail, I gotta woody on the trail.” You see, they’re getting cart the before the horse on this pornography issue; Playboy does not create sexual thoughts. There ARE sexual thoughts and THEREFORE there is Playboy, don’t you see? I know these sound like philosophical musings to you, what came first, the hard on, OR the Madonna video? – Aah, uuuh… … and if a hard on falls in the forest and no one’s around… … do you go blind, I don’t know. And what does an atheist scream when they cum, that’s another one too; ” Oh, chemical jinns, chemical jinns!” What, what would you, if you were an atheist, what would you yell?; “Oh fate, fate and destiny, fate and destiny!” “Chemical jinns, chemical jinns. Bing bang!” Ha, ha, ha, ha… I’m getting that close to hell, right now, hoo, hoo, hoo, it’s getting a little warm… You know what though, I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts, are generally fundamentalist Christians, who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply? Isn’t that weird? Didn’t’ you think they’d be for things that cause sexual thoughts, you know what I mean? Maybe even a centerfold in the Bible? I don’t know: ‘Mis-Deuteronomy’ ‘Turn-offs, floods, locust and smokers’ ‘Turn-ons, myrrh’ … I don’t know what myrrh is, chicks dig it. Like if I’m a real babe, I’ve got some myrrh, ooh! I did that joke in Alabama; these three rednecks met me after the show: “Hey buddy, come here!! Hey Mr comedian, come here!” Yeah, I love that move: “Come here!” Not a physics major. I mean that’s a safe bet. “Mr funny man, come here! Hey buddy, we’re Christians, we don’t like what you said.” I said: “Then forgive me” [Applause] Later, when I was hanging from the tree, I was hanging next to these lil’ green fellows. Christians who kill, aahh! , we’re about out of ideas on this planet, aren’t we? Someone likely like George Bush? or this guy, Pat Robertson, this televangelist in the State… …these are Christians for stronger nuclear armament. Oh, what a great deal of faith. Cause I know, if Jesus where here, he’d probably have an Uzi on him. Don’t you think he would, Je-, yeah he would; “THE PRINCE OF PEACE IS BACK, BUT HE’S PISSED OFF. FUCK YOU PILOT!” “I’m back. I didn’t tell you what kind of mood I was coming back in, DID I FUCKERS? , ha, ha, ha, ha, ha” “You all, it’s Jesus, he’s back, but he’s pissed! He’s yelling something about the cross, I didn’t catch it…” Jesus! You know, I don’t know what you all believe ‘n I don’t really care, but you have to admit, beliefs are odd. A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. D’ you think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It’s kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a little sniper riffle pinned in, you know: “How are you Jackie, we’re just thinking of John. We loved him. We loved him… Yea, he was great.” OK, it’s time for some ah, time for a question. This question I’m going to ask you is very crude…; Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs? You see a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight; “Answer him honey, go ahead and answer. Say how you feel about this right now… hey, speak up, that’s it.” The reason I ask, alright? I was with this woman this one time and she goes down there for like three seconds ‘n then she starts coming back up. I’m going: “… … unless you’re getting up to put ice in your mouth…” Anyway, without getting graphic, …she actually said to me; “I think you had enough…” … Uh?!” – “I think you had enough.” “Really? I thiiiiink… … you’re gonna know when I’ve had enough!” There’s a pretty definite ending to this. Not a lot of grey area. Fairly cut ‘n dry. But anyway, it blew my mind – and it’s all it blew – so my inquiry from audiences; Why people – ‘n I’m not asking women – why people in general don’t do everything with their lover? I can’t, I can’t conceive that odd standard? I hear complaints on both sides… But why – let’s just, pss, get more specific – you ladies don’t do, won’t, I mean won’t, I mean don’t and not all of you, but why won’t you do that to your guy? I mean, to make the, I don’t know the… …FOCAL POINT OF YOUR EXISTENCE WHILE ON THIS PLANET? You know what I mean; I mean why won’t you want to do that EVERY SECOND YOU’RE AWAKE? I mean eh, you know, why don’t…you know. I don’t understand why you just…you know. Actually, uh, a woman one night yelled: “Yeah, did you ever try it?” I Said “Yeah… …almost broke my back.” It’s one vertebra, I swear to God, it’s that close. . I think that vertebra is gonna be the next thing to go in the next evolutionary step. Just a theory and a fervent PRAYER! And now all the guys are going: “Honey I have no idea what he’s talking about. I think he’s a devil-child.” That may be true but guys… …yyyyyyyyyyou know what I’m talking about. I can speak for every guy here in this room tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you would be in this room alone right now, …watching an empty stage. Boy, my folks are proud of me! “Bill, honey, are you still doing that ‘suck your own cock’ bit?” “Yeah mom.” – “Good baby, that’s such a crowd pleaser. How clever you to come up with this ‘suck your own cock’ bit honey. So clever it makes your mama bossum swell with pride, knowing her son is travelling the world using his given surname, …going out in front of rooms of total strangers and doing the ‘Suck your own cock’ piece.” “Thanks mom.” – “No biggy.” So I ask this woman who said that ‘did you ever try it?’ “So let me ask you; why won’t you like to do that to your guy?” “Because it’s disgusting.” Disgusting? Well, that’s a little harsh. And also a double standard – cause you know what? – I’ve never heard you ladies say it’s disgusting… when we’re down between your legs? no way…; “Oh, this is so gross… I’m gonna throw up. Oh, don’t put your finger in my, that’s rude!” I’ve NEVER heard that. And again, maybe I can’t hear it, because your thighs are clamped; “Oh, I hope she’s enjoying that. I’m getting a headache down here! Yeah, I feel like drinking a coke too.” [Applause] “Bill honey, are you still doing that ‘eat the pussy’ piece?” “Yeah mom.” – “Great… You know son, many people at Sunday school asked me when you’re gonna be performing in the area. Bill they all are so curious to see the material you’re doing now and they’re aaaaaaaaaaall sure they wanna see… the ‘suck your own cock’ bit, followed by the ‘eat the pussy’ sketch!” “Bill, I only wish your grandparents were still alive. If only you hadn’t to put them in that Chuck Norris film, baby. I wish to God your grandparents could see their grandson on stage, using his given surname… …performing the ‘suck the own cock’ bit, plus the ‘pussy eating’ sketch.” “Maybe they’re hearing it in heaven mom.” “Son, is there anyway I can ask you to type up the ‘suck your own cock’ bit, so I can pin it to your grandmother’s headstone?” See I just don’t agree with everything I hear just because I hear it over the TV. Sometimes I’ve gotta ask myself what I feel about things. That way I can get a close reading of what’s true. Drugs have done good things for us, that’s my belief; drugs have done good things for us. Hard to believe I’m saying this, DRUGS have done good things for us. “What do you mean Bill?” Well… …if you don’t believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favour then. Go home tonight, take all your albums, your tapes and your CD’s… and burn them. Cause you know what? The musicians who made that great music that has enhanced your lives throughout the years… …real fucking high on drugs, ok? It’s true. The Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes man. Tell me they weren’t partying; “We all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a y…” We, we what, we all live in a yellow sub – you know haw fucking high they were? They had to pull Ringo of the ceiling with a rake to sing that fucking song; “Tom, get Ringo, he’s in the corner. Pull him down! Ouaou, look at him scoop, grab him. Look at him scoop? Ringo, come down. Yoko’s gone, we can party again.” They were real high, they wrote great music, drugs had a positive effect, they did. You cannot deny the fucking music, can’t deny it, can’t deny it. Ok, uh look, just look at it in another way then; These musicians today who don’t do drugs and in fact speak out against them – “We rock against drugs!” – … …Boy, they suck, ha, ha, ha….!! Ball-less, soulless, spiritless little corporate fucking puppets, suckers of Satan’s cock each and every one of them. “We rock against drugs, cause that’s what George Bush would want.” “We’re rock stars who sell Pepsi-cola products.” “We’re rock stars who sell Taco-Bell products.” Let me tell you something right now and you can print this in stone and don’t you ever forget it; Any, ANY performer that ever sells a product on television is – for now and all eternity – removed from the artistic world. I don’t care if you shit Mona Lisas out of your ass on cue; you’ve made your fucking choice. “Oh, come on, it’s just, it’s just a good product ‘n it’s just making a good…” “Shut that big scaly pecker now. SHUT IT!” Here’s my point and man I knew I had a point again, I keep having points tonight, what’s the deal? It’s odd how people think and people get away with it, I don’t get it. Last year in the States, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard this story? this was a great one, I love this one, this kills me. You know the story about the two kids that were big fans of this group Judas Priest… …and they committed suicide? And the parents of these two kids sued the band, Judas Priest? Ok, first of all, two kids, big fans of Judas Priest, commit suicide… Ouaou… two less gas station attendants in the world, you know. What? I don’t mean to sound cruel here, but I don’t think we lost the cancer cure here, you know? Look, there’s gonna be no delays in the shuttle launch because of this, you understand? They weren’t an intricate part, I know, “Bill, you sound so cruel”, fuck them they were idiots, get it? Ok. But the point is, they tried to prove that there are subliminal messages on these albums, telling you to kill yourself… Let me ask you a quick question-which by the way failed to come up at the trial which they had-; “WHAT PERFORMER WANTS HIS FUCKING AUDIENCE DEAD?” I don’t get the long term gain here. What are these guys in the band thinking? “I’m fucking sick of it, I’m fucking sick of it! Sick of it, sick of it!!” “What are you sick of?” “The whole fucking thing…; Touring, making $40000 a night, …free drugs, free booze, stretched limos, penthouse suites, …groupies blowing me dawn to dusk. I’m in a rut and I want out.” “And then we have a little show’s coming up” “I know, it sucks… …unless… Ian, Nijo, come in! Oh shit Nijo get in. Ian, come down! I’ve had an idea, let’s kill the fucking audience. Nijo, go get a soccer ball, Ian, come here… …we’re going to kill them, and then we can get back to our day jobs. We can sell shoes again” Why would they fucking do that? Why would the band do that? WHY? “Because it’s not a band Bill, Mr. dressed in black, say fuck every other word out of your mouth, cynical humanist you… … It’s the devil!” “Oh, well that’s different.” The devil. That, that still exists that concept, really, does that really exist, you know, the devil? The devil really exists, does it really yo? Well tell me something? what could oppose God’s will? Nothing, could it, xaxaxaxaxa, there goes the light bulb of realization. NOTHING COULD OPPOSE GOD’S WILL!! NOT, NOTHING!! What about my will, nah, nah…NO!! OK Remember a few years ago, remember a few years ago, as if you played albums backwards there where satanic messages, now they’re subliminal. Ain’t it nice to know Satan’s keeping up with all these new, technological achievements, …what a little busy beaver he is! I picture him at a Radio Shack, every Monday morning: “What new things do you have for me today?” Remember that a few years ago you played albums backwards there was satanic messages. Let me tell you something, if you ever sat around playing your albums backwards… …you ARE Satan. Don’t look any further. And don’t go ruining my stereo to prove a fucking point. “Come here, listen, listen.” “Can you hear that?” “Satan is lord, Satan is lord, yeah, it’s crystal clear, check this out!” “It’s almost like he’s in the room or something.” “Aaaah, you’re Satan, hahaha oooh!” Satan: Destroyer of needles, ruiner of stereos! “I am Satan and I’ve come to destroy high fidelity music. You all listen to A tracks.” “Aaaah, the deceiver!” ‘Cause I have news for you – I live in the States, a very puritanical place, full of superstition and ancient, ANCIENT religions that no longer serve their function on this planet, …because they’re based on fear instead of love. But, ah… they say R&R is the devil’s music. Well, let’s say that it is, I’ve got news for you; let’s say that R&R IS the devil’s music and we know it for a fact to be absolutely, unequivocally true. Boy, at least it fucking jams …OK, do you hear that correctly? If it’s a choice between eternal hell and good tunes, or eternal heaven and New Kids On The fucking Block… …I’m gonna be surfing on the lake of fire, rocking out. High-fiving Satan every time I pass him on the fucking shore. ‘Cause you know, if you play New Kids On The Block albums backwards… …they sound better, you know. “Oh, com’ on Bill, they’re the New Kids, don’t pick on them, they’re so good, they’re so clean cut n’ they’re such a good image for the children.” Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don’t care if they died on puddles of their own vomit. I WANT SOMEONE WHO PLAYS FROM HIS FUCKING HEART!!! “Mummy, mummy, the man you put me on to listen to has a blood bubble on his nose” “SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO HIM PLAY!” The New Kids – “Hah, we’re the New Kids n’ we’re so good n’ clean cut…” … – you’re so clean cut”, WOW, WOW, WOW!!! “A good clean country.” WOW, WOW, WOW, FUCK THAT, I WANT MY ROCK STARS DEAD!!! I want them to fucking play with one hand and put a gun to their fucking head, going: “I hope you enjoyed the show” YES, YES!!! PLAY FROM YOUR FUCKING HEART!!! I am available for children’s parties by the way. Alright, alright, alright, alright, I’m going to, hum, hum… alright, quit it Bill, quit it. You’ve been a wonderful audience and I love you, I loved being here, you’ve been excellent, all… …has been absolutely the best thus far. All of my point is, all of my point is that there’s a lot of ways to look at the world. You know what I’m saying? Why pick the way you learn over TV – cause it’s usually wrong – ? D’ you ever see a good drug story on the news? Never. News is supposed to be objective, isn’t it supposed to be, theeeeee NEWS! BUT, every drug story is negative. Oooh, hold it! I’ve had some killer fucking times on drugs. Let’s hear the whole story. . Same LSD story every time, that we’ve all heard it; “Young man on acid thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy…” What a dick. If he thought he could fly, why didn’t take off from the ground and check it out first. You don’t see ducks lined up to catch elevators to fly south. He’s an idiot, he’s dead. Good! I mean, there’s one less moron in the world, wow, what a fucking tragedy aren’t it? I guess I don’t have one car linked up in traffic tomorrow. How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy, don’t you think? Anybody think that? Just once to hear a positive LSD story; “Today a young man on acid… …realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves… …Here’s Tom with the weather.” You guys are great, thank you very much. Goodnight.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

LOUIS C.K.: LIVE AT THE COMEDY STORE (2015) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-live-at-the-comedy-store-2015-transcript/

Thank you. Oh. Oh, my God, you guys. Oh, my God, thank you. This- You guys… You guys are great, thank you. This is what I talk like now, just so you know. I’m gonna do the whole show like this. A really-a very offensive stereotype… …of a Mexican. This is… This is a Mexican at the border. Just let me in! Jesus! He won’t let me- You guys are dicks in there, anyways! Fuck you, America! Was that too high up, do you think? That’s why I like- I always like to stand just a little bit wrong, you know? Just for my own entertainment, instead of standing like this, just put it a little bit up here, just so people are like- I don’t know why that bothers me. Especially if I’m somewhere I don’t like being, like CVS. You know, I hate CVS. But sometimes you gotta go in there. That should be their slogan, CVS. Sometimes you gotta come in here.” Where else you gonna get your wart Band-Aids and that stuff for your dry vaginer? Dry vaginer. I used to think it was called a “vaginer.” I did, because I grew up in Boston and the- I don’t know if you are familiar with- People call it the Boston accent. It’s not an accent. It’s a whole city of people saying most words wrong. It’s just a stupidity in a massive region. Because my teachers, they teach you to talk like that. My teacher-I had a teacher named Miss Daugherty, but she thought her name was Mrs. Darrity. She mispronounced her own name. Mrs. Darrity! And she’d give us sex-ed- This was fifth grade. We had sex ed with Mrs. Darrity, and she’s showing us the diagram, she’s like, “This is a penis. “And this is a vaginer. “Now, during intercourse, the man ejaculates sperm… “… up into the vaginer. “And then later, “a fucking baby… “… comes out of the vaginer. And sometimes it’s ‘retahded. ‘” This was the ’70s. A teacher said “retahded” in Boston in the ’70s. “My daughter’s retahded.” She used to tell us every day. “I have a daughter and she’s mentally retahded. “She’s 35 and she lives in my house. “She better be fucking retahded. I’m gonna stick her back up in my vaginer.” So I thought it was called a vaginer ’til I was, like, 25. And I remember thinking it was, like- It’s a vaginer, it’s a- Like, a thing that vagines, you know? Like, you use it to vagine- I gotta vagine my driveway. I don’t know. I just gotta vagine this new table I just made. That would make a nice table, like, you make a new table and then you take the- the 80-grit paper and you sand it, and then 120, and then you go, “All right, honey, get up there,” and she just… Like, an old- Like, one of those Danish tables, or like a… Ooh. Nice old Italian table. “This table is-a very smooth “because, eh, my wife have a very juicy pussy “and she vagine the table and my family, we do this for generations, we vagine.” All right. So I’m 47 now, and, uh… Yeah, I know, that’s about what it’s worth. That’s what it- That’s what that deserves. “Woo.” “Woo.” “Woo!” Yeah, 47 doesn’t buy you anything. 18, you can vote, 21, you can drink, and 47, you can just- Just keep doing whatever. Just do… Just keep being out of breath. One good thing is that I’ve let go of any dream of getting in great shape, like, it’s like a relief. Just ’cause- My whole life I’ve been like, well, someday, I should really get in great shape. Now, I’m like, what? Why would I do that? That’s not gonna happen. Just- To me, the bar, the level I wanna reach as far as the shape I’m in, I just want it to be so that if you find out that I died, you ask “What happened?” That’s all. I want you to wonder what happened. I don’t want it to be like, “Oh, he died?” Oh, yeah, well, sure. Sure he did. Sure he did. This’d be bigger news to you- Did you hear Louie’s still alive? Shit. Oh, really? Oh, my God! Oh, my God, how? How? Some things change when you get older. Like, I’ve reallocated some of the noises that I make. Like, the noise I used to make when I come is now the noise I make when I pee. Oh… oh… Oh… Ah… Ahhh… Take it all, bitch. Very disrespectful to my toilet, unfortunately. Yeah, you like that piss, don’t you? Bitch! I’m gonna shit in your mouth, too, ’cause you ain’t nothing but a shit-eatin’, piss-drinkin’ toilet! Dumb bitch, toilet! You ain’t intelligent. You ain’t even been outside. You sit there waiting for me to shit in your face. Got piss on your lips. You ain’t even special. I pissed in three toilets today. You ain’t shit. That’s terrible. That’s awful. But that’s how my dad treated his toilet, so that’s where I learned it. It’s a shame. So that’s the noise I make when I pee. And, uh, some of you might be wondering- None of you are wondering… …what noise do I make when I come. So this is the noise I make when I come. I just go… It is done! It’s a whole thing with clouds and lightning and crows. The circle is complete! It’s kind of intense. And there’s a little witch with white eyes going, “And a child will be born!” I don’t know. One time I was having sex with a woman, it was our first time having sex. Also turned out to be our last time, but I wasn’t- Didn’t know that at the- Anyway, I was getting- I was gonna come soon, so I felt like talking about it, and… But I didn’t know her very well. So it came out weird, I said, “Oh, I’m cooming.” She’s like, “What did you say?” ‘Cause I was back there. That’s why. That’s why she had to go like this. “What’d you say? What was that back there, chief? What was that?” ‘Cause I’m always back there. That’s a-that’s a weird thing to brag about. I’m always behind her. Every time. So they don’t see me crying. It’s weird having sex with a woman from behind ’cause you don’t know what’s going on the whole time and you get kinda paranoid. The whole time, she might be like… I was on the subway in New York. This isn’t another sex story. This is a traveling story. Are you ready? So I’m on the subway and I’m standing there- I wasn’t holding anything, I just like to stand like this. I’m standing there. I walk around the city like this. Hi. So I’m standing there and from behind me over here, I hear this. I hear… And I was like, whew, okay. It’s a crazy person. I mean, it’s not a big surprise in New York. Then I heard it again. I was like, all right, I wanna see, I wanna see the crazy person. I just wanna take a look. So I look over and it’s not what I expected. It wasn’t a big homeless guy with two sets of headphones that don’t work or anything like that. It was a… A young woman, she looked like she was about 21 and she’s standing there, she’s very, kinda nice- Properly dressed. She was very, like, Michigan-y or something. Very suburban-y, Michigan-y kinda thing. And she’s standing there with her ponytail, and then all of a sudden, she starts going like this, she goes… La-la la-la-la la-la!” And I realize, oh, she’s, like, a student, like, a singing music student, and she’s doing her vocal exercises on the subway. You know what? It wasn’t charming or nice. It was arrogant and rude, ’cause she just had this look like, it’s- I’m so cool, ’cause I’m studying music in New York City and I just do my thing right on the subway every day. La-la la-la-la la-la, everybody! La-la la-la-la la-la, tired nurse who just did a 14-hour shift! We live in an interesting time, you know. ‘Cause you can be on an airplane, you’re like one of 200 passengers. You’re on a flight 30,000 feet in the air, and in the middle of the flight if you just decide to do this, you’re sitting in your seat and you just start going like this, you go… Maaah! Maaah! Mahh! If you do that and don’t stop doing it, they will land the plane. You can will a plane to the ground without a weapon or a threat. You don’t even have to do that much, you can just sit there and just start going, “Down! Down!” Seriously, if you were on a plane and you just didn’t stop saying “down.” “Down! Down!” “Sir, is there a problem?” “Down! Down!” Fighter jets will appear- I mean, you’re going to the nearest airport. And then I guess you’re in trouble, but… What? They can’t put you, like, in prison because you said “down” several times. They, like, bother you. “Why’d you do it? Are you a terrorist? Why’d you do it?” “I just-I just didn’t want to be up anymore. “I just didn’t like it. “I mean, I just said the word of the-where I wanted to be. “You didn’t have to do it. It was just a suggestion, Jesus Christ.” I was on a plane once and there was two babies on the plane. And other people, it wasn’t just… It wasn’t just me and two babies. That would be weird. You get on a plane, there’s just two babies. Come on, we’re leaving soon. He’s the pilot baby. I’m the other baby. No, that’s all right, I’m not gonna… You babies have a good flight, but I’m gonna find another way to get there. Yeah, I don’t like the way this was starting. Anyway, I was on a plane and there was these two babies and they were crying the whole time, crying the whole flight, and that happens a lot. I don’t think they knew each other, they were just crying. I’ve seen this on so many flights, I started to wonder, is there a reason for this? Is there, like, an actual reason why babies- So I looked it up. Turns out, there’s an actual reason why babies cry on airplanes, and it’s because they’re upset that gay people are getting married. Yeah. They’re, like, really upset. Like, inconsolably upset. Honey, it’s- The country’s changing. Waah! And I don’t agree with them. I think if people are in love, they should get married. But they can’t- They can’t accept that. ‘Cause they’re just-You know, they’re just being babies. Babies are selfish. They are, babies are selfish. They just, waah! No baby ever goes, “Waah, but how you doing, though?” I have two daughters and both of them at one time were babies and I held them and they cried on planes. It’s happened to me, I’ve had a baby on a plane. If you’re ever- This is how selfish people are. When you’re on a plane and you hear a baby crying, you think that’s happening to you. You’re like, “Ugh, this is gonna ruin my flight! It’s gonna ruin it!” Well, look at the parent, ’cause that person is holding a crying baby on a plane, which means they’ve been traveling with a baby all day, which means they have a baby, okay? So their life isn’t even good. They don’t like anything. Their whole life is, ugh, Jesus! If there’s any joy for them, it’s that this is now bothering other people. “Yeah, you listen to this shit now!” Waah! I remember one time, my baby was crying on the plane, she was really upset, and this guy, some businessman on the plane, ’cause businessmen always think that every flight is a private plane of theirs that we’re all, like, piggybacking on. And this guy has his fucking newspaper and he turns around to look at me and my baby and he looks right at me. He doesn’t kinda, like, go like this. He looks at me like, hmm? Like, could you? I’m like, “Oh, I’m sorry, is this bothering you? Let me just…” You all just clapped for a dead baby. You applauded a dead baby. I have two children. Uh, nine and 12 years old. Both girls. Uh, they’re both gay. Um… I’m raising ’em gay. Most people raise their kids straight, I’m just gonna raise mine gay. Maybe they’ll do what they want later, but, uh, as long as they’re in my house, they’re gay. I tell ’em every day, you’re gay, honey, good night. Go to bed. Brush your gay teeth, gay honey. Don’t forget to be gay. Having children is a big responsibility and I’ve never really done very well at it. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Some of them big, some of them small, you know? Like, I’m still a person, I still am an idiot, you know, still, like, I- I got high one night, I got really high, because I don’t do drugs. I never do drugs, never. So that when I do… …they’re way more fun. To me, that’s my best advice about drugs. If you want to enjoy drugs, never do them, never. Because then when you do, they’re actually fun. ‘Cause when drugs are a part of your life, they’re just another pain in the ass in your life. It’s just a, ugh, my drugs suck. I don’t want to have that problem. I always want to be that person where it’s a new thing, somebody’s like, hey, you wanna try this? And I’m like, oh! I don’t know if I should. This is crazy. I don’t even know how I’m gonna do it. I mean, what is this? Anyway, I got- My friend had the little vape- I’m a little worried, honestly, by the young people with the vaping and they just do this and then they just vape. And they just stand on the corner and puff and look at the fucking thing and I miss-I miss you. That’s what it is, I miss you people, ’cause you used to stand around like this and I get to go, “I’d fuck that one, and that one’s okay,” but now I don’t even- I’m just looking at the top of people’s heads now. But I didn’t realize how, like, my friend- I have a younger friend who vapes and she told me it’s just to kinda, like, calm her. She’s like, I barely feel it, you know. Sometimes it helps me sleep. So one night, we’re hanging out and I’m like, I’m gonna go home and go to sleep, but I mean, I’ll just try it, so I took one little tiny hit. I was insane, I was completely insane. I was in my house, I couldn’t even walk past a window, I had to go under the windows, ’cause I was afraid of the inside of my own brain. So I started texting people, just being- Just texting, “I’m so high. I’m so fucking high. I’m so high,” and I texted, you know, another friend. “I’m so high I want to suck the pot jizz out of my own dick and get higher.” That’s what I wrote. I’m not bragging, I’m just telling you that’s what I wrote. And I sent it. And then later, I looked at my text and I was, like, I think I might have sent that to my 12-year-old daughter. I think it’s possible. And I didn’t, but I too easily could’ve. We need-Now my kids are in my phone. There needs to be some very reliable firewall that says, these numbers are much harder to text, that you can’t just, whoops! Traumatized her irreversibly! That you can go, like, to write to these numbers, I have to solve the Hellraiser puzzle and I have to… There’s two guys with the keys in the opposite room that turn them at the same moment and there’s a warning. “Are you sure you want to send this picture “of your pubic hair to your ex-wife’s mother?” That’s how you want to break the silence of six years since the divorce. “This is my pubic hair. “Look at all of my pubic hair. How have you been?” I try to be a good dad, but, you know, like- life just kinda takes off and kids start, you know, they got their own ideas and they’re- My nine-year-old, she’s just figuring out about lying and that’s a tough thing. It’s hard to roll that one back, because lying is pretty amazingly useful in life. It’s like, how do you tell a kid not to use a thing that just solves every possible problem, like magic? How do you… ‘Cause that’s why-Kids lie ’cause they’re in trouble. They lie ’cause they’re in more trouble than they can take, you know? ‘Cause kids… Nine-year-old, when a nine-year-old lies, it’s not for some weird Machiavellian, you know… “Do you know what my teacher said about you? It was interesting.” They don’t just make shit up. They lie because they’re in trouble and it’s more than they can- ‘Cause trouble is too much for a kid. Trouble-For grown-ups, we can take trouble. We don’t care. We just go, oh, I’m sorry. Oh, am I in trouble? Oh, whoops! We don’t care. But to a little kid, trouble is like this horrible… Did you take the chocolate? And she did and she doesn’t know how to handle it. Did you- Did you take it? “No.” Well, all right, then, have a nice day. How do you then tell her, yeah, don’t ever apply that perfect solution again, to terrifying things. Mark Twain once said, “A man who always tells the truth doesn’t have to remember what he said.” And that’s great. But Mark Twain also said, “There once was a big black guy named Nigger Jim.” So… I don’t know if… …a hundred percent of the things he said were perfectly awesome. Really, Mark? Nigger Jim, you’re gonna go with? That’s the best you can do, to name the- It’s got kind of a nice ring to it, Nigger Jim. Yeah, well, it’s a little on the nose, isn’t it? Could’ve called him Black Mike, I mean, just a little… Take it down one notch of the… Thanks for that, Mark. Anyway. So, while we’re in this area… Now that I know you guys are cool. No, no. No. No. Um… No, no. But, uh-but, uh… but… but… This is a story that takes place- I’m gonna tell you this story, it’s kind of a messy story. It takes place over a lot of years, ’cause it start- It started with my friend Mike, who told me this story. This happened to him back in the ’90s. He was going home for Christmas and he lives in Connecticut- He grew up in Connecticut in some shitty shit town in shitty, shitty Connecticut, and he didn’t like going home. He’s one of those people. He came from a place- Doesn’t like it anymore. And he goes back- He doesn’t know how to handle his family, you know, and he came from a family of white racists and he doesn’t like going home, but it’s still home, so he went home for Christmas one year and everybody’s hanging out during the day, talking, having lunch, and his father and his brother both work at this factory and his brother’s grousing about his day at work and he goes, “Yeah, and then this fucking nigger fell asleep at the forklift.” And then my friend Mike heard that and he went, “Oh, God. Why am I part of these people? I hate this.” And he felt bad. And then that night, he’s in the kitchen and he’s having a warm milk or whatever and he… I don’t know why that’s- I don’t know why that’s funny, but… What that says about him. Yeah, ’cause he’s a pussy. No. He’s just sort of having some time to himself and his cousin comes downstairs, who’s staying- And his cousin, he likes his cousin. That’s the one person he always felt connected with, and his cousin’s like, “What’s wrong, man?” And he says, “Well, jeez, I come home and I hoped “that everything would be, you know, normal, “but then, my brother says, uhh, he’s at the factory and this nigger fell asleep at the forklift.” And his cousin goes, “Oh, my God, the nigger fell asleep at the forklift?” So this is the first part of the story, okay? So Mike tells me that story about how he’s just not listened to by anybody in his family, and then later on, I get a job writing on a TV show for Cedric the Entertainer. Great guy, and he had a show and he hired a writing staff, half white writers, half black writers. So at lunchtime, we talk about race, it was just a- We’d have these provocative, interesting conversations, trading notes about race, the white writers and the black writers, and I told that story. I told the whole thing about the guy, “Uhh, nigger and the forklift,” And then the cousin saying, “Uhh, the nigger at the forklift!” And then one of the writers, a black writer, he goes, “There’s nothing worse “than a nigger falling asleep at the forklift, making it harder for the rest of us.” Still, nobody is quite hearing what my friend was going through. And then, about a year later, I’m hanging out with my friend Dino. Dino is Greek. He has no dog in the race, he doesn’t care either way. He’s Greek. Greeks aren’t white or black, they’re just- He’s just got a big nose and he just stands there. And I told Dino the whole story, I told him about the guy, “Uhh, the forklift,” and the guy, “Uhh!” And then the black writer- And then Dino says, “How do you fall asleep at a forklift?” My oldest daughter is gonna be 13 next year, that’s a big deal. That’s a big deal. That’s- All the parents ahead of you always go, like, yeah. Yeah, wait ’til she… That’s when you… I’m not afraid of her teenagehood. It’s gonna be challenging and difficult and she’ll meet the challenges, you know. I’m always proud of my kid. She’s a good kid. Now, some parents are really afraid of their daughters. A lot of dads get scared, like, I don’t know what to do. I have this friend, his daughter’s 15, he’s like, “She’s gonna start having sex! “I don’t know what to do! She’s gonna have sex, what do I do?” I’m like, well, you don’t do anything. You don’t have a role in that at all. You’re her father. No role. Not supportive or advisory, nothing. “But what if she has a bad sexual experience?” Oh, she’s gonna have a number of those. Oh, yes, she is. Her whole life is gonna be just walking through a blizzard of bad dicks, just… Ow! Dicks, just- Jesus. What the fuck? That was a big one. Holy fuck, I’m just trying to get to work. The little one, the nine-year-old, life’s a little simpler. Tap dancing, she takes tap dancing lessons. We started her with tap dancing, because we figure by the time she grows up, it’ll be the 1930s again, and, uh, yeah. She’ll have this thing she can do that nobody enjoys watching. Do you know who the audience is for tap dancing? The parents of tap dancing students. That’s all of it. ‘Cause we all have to go to the show at the end of the tap dancing semester, and they have a big theater show and all the kids get up there, they all tap dance in groups of threes. There’s about 6,000 kids. They do about 20 minutes each. So the show’s about seven months long, and everybody dies at the end. But you go because you want to see your kid tap dance, ’cause that’s an amazing thing, ’cause this was a baby, she was just a baby. She was just like… That’s it. And now she’s going like this. It’s amazing. But you gotta watch all those other kids that you don’t love at all. And you gotta watch people, grown-ups do it. There’s grown-up- Adult students, and they get up there. Get off! Nobody’s here to see you! Nobody! Your parents are dead, you’re 52! Nobody came from work. Nobody came from work. I take her every-every Thursday to tap dancing and we go up to the school and she puts on her tap shoes and she goes in the little room. I don’t go in there, and she tap dances and I wait outside, because it’s 40 minutes, it’s not enough time to go anywhere. So I just sit there and listen to… And then she comes out. “I don’t-I’m tired of this. I don’t want to go anymore.” Good, don’t. I don’t want to bring you. Quit. Quit. I don’t care. I don’t push my kids into this shit. ‘Cause you gotta do it, too. I don’t wanna do it. “Daddy, I’m tired of soccer.” Soccer is out of our lives forever, with those words from thine mouth. Soccer is gone. I don’t care- Don’t go to school, I don’t want to get up at 7:00. Don’t do any of this shit, honey. I don’t care. I have money, just eat the food in the house. Stay home and eat. You and your sister, don’t have kids, I can cover all of us and then we all die. That’s my goal. I want to make enough money that we can just lock the door and eat the food. That’s it. “Daddy, what are we doing today?” Go to the food room and pick something out and go to bed. That’s all that’s required of you. People-People overthink this life shit. People get all knotted up. “I don’t know what to do with my life. “Like, I don’t know, like, what I should be, or, like… “I don’t know, it’s like… What should I, like, do? With my- With, like, my life?” Just get food and put it in the- Put food in here. That’s it. Put food in here. Walk around and look for food. And anytime you see any food, put it in here. Just take it and put it in here. Later, when you feel pressure, shit out the shit in there. That’s it. If anybody tries to stop you from doing either of those, murder them. That’s it. Doesn’t have to be any more complicated. Do it ’til you’re died- ’til you’re dead. ‘Til you’re dead, died, dead. I don’t know how long I’m gonna live, I have no idea. You don’t really ever get to find out. You never get to go, okay, I’m dead, so, 80. You don’t ever get to have that thought. “This is it. ” You get to go, “This is probably it.” That’s your last thought. “This is probably it right here.” Yeah, well, we’re all gonna die at some point. It’s true, man. And you find out at some point- It’s an interesting thing about human beings, that we live with the knowledge that we’re gonna die. I found out when I was seven that everybody dies. My grandfather told me. He said, “Everybody dies!” I wasn’t even talking to him. I was just trying to blow out the candles. And I was seven years old when I found out that everybody dies. And I was excited, not ’cause everybody dies, but ’cause I knew it. I was excited ’cause I knew I was young to know that everybody dies. I knew that most of my friends didn’t know and I thought, I’m gonna tell them. I want to be the one that tells everybody. I especially wanted to tell Benjy, this kid across the street from me. There was this kid Benjy, he lived-I didn’t- He wasn’t my friend. I was seven and he was six, but if I ever came out in my front yard, he would come out and I’d be like, ugh, here he comes. Just hated him. Hated him. First person I ever hated. Like, visceral hate. He was- To me, he was a piece of shit cocksucker asshole. That’s what he was to me, and I didn’t even know any of those words. I just had that, like, as a raw feeling with no way to say it. I was too young for the feeling that I had, and then somebody- I heard somebody say “piece of shit cocksucker asshole,” I was like, that, yes, thank you. That’s what that- Yes, that’s how-Yes. Anyway, one day I was in my front yard and piece of shit Benjy comes across. And he says, “I got a new bike,” or something like that. And I was like, uh, “You’re gonna die someday.” And he was like, “What? No, I’m not.” I said, “Yes, you are. “Everybody dies. “You’re gonna die and your mom’s gonna die “and your daddy’s gonna die. In that order.” He was really upset and he starts running. It’s still funny to me, it still makes me laugh, 40 years later. I can still see it so clearly and it still makes me laugh. Run, Benjy! You can’t run from this shit, bitch. It’s gonna get you. I wonder if he’s dead. Anyway. So he came back with his mom, his mom is so angry, and then I was scared. And his mom came over, “What did you say to him?” And I said, “I just told him that everybody dies.” And she goes, “Well, that’s not necessarily true.” I was like, “What?” She says, “Well, some people die, but not everybody does.” And I was so full of questions. I was like, what about- What about Abraham Lincoln and George Washington, they’re dead. But she said, “Yeah, “that’s ’cause something happened to them. “George Washington didn’t take care of himself “and Lincoln got shot, but there’s a lot of people alive from those days.” And I was like, really? What about, like, Bible people? And she’s like, “Yeah, I- We have to go.” And then she left, ’cause I think she realized, this is only gonna get worse. She’s not on a good side of this argument. And then I went to my mom and I told her the whole thing, she’s like, don’t worry, that lady’s a fucking idiot, don’t listen to her. My mom said, “Don’t worry, baby, you’re definitely going to die.” Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. People from the Bible. I wonder if people in the Bible knew they were gonna be in the Bible. Like, “You guys, this is totally gonna be in the Bible. “This is totally-You guys, “we’re gonna get in the Bible, everybody. I gotta get my roots done so I look good for the Bible.” Yeah, my dog died recently. I had to tell the kids that the dog is dead. That’s a tough thing, telling your kids that the dog died. You gotta tell ’em at some point. You can’t just keep going, What? No, he’s-Where’d he go? Oh, look, there he goes. I don’t know, he’s- That little scamp. There he goes, go get ’em. Go get ’em! Told my kids the dog died and we dealt with it. And I was proud of them how they expressed their feelings about it. They cried. I was proud of them how they dealt with their feelings and what they said about it and how they processed it and I realized, this was a positive thing. That’s how you start thinking as a parent, a lot of things you don’t think would be positive really are, ’cause-’cause a dog dying is an opportunity to deal with death with your kids. It’s like a dry run for Grandma. It is, it is. Dog dies, you talk about it, you deal with it. Later on, you go, so, you know all that stuff we talked about? About the dog? Yeah, so, Grandma now. Mm-hmm. All the same stuff. That’s right. All right, go brush your teeth. I had a dog when I was a kid and he hated me, and it really hurt. It’s a true story, my dog hated me and I- I wanted a dog so bad, I was, like, ten years old, I used to beg my mother for a dog and she just would say, like, you had one when you were a baby and it died, it’s fine. But finally, she said, you can have a dog if you keep your room clean for a month. And I was so excited, ’cause I was, like, I’m getting a dog. I told all my friends, I’m gonna get a dog. All I have to do is keep my room clean for a month. I lasted about a week and it just went to shit. I couldn’t do it and then I tried, like, three, four days, I couldn’t do it. And I got so depressed. I was like, I’m ten and I already know my life is gonna be shit ’cause I can’t do anything. And finally, my mom was like, just- We’ll get the dog, you’re bumming everybody out. So she got us a dog. And the dog looked at me and he hated me, on sight. And I worked hard to take care of this dog. I was kind to him and he still hated me, which hurt. That’s why it hurt. ‘Cause he must’ve just hated, like, who I am inside. He-You could tell how he felt, ’cause he was very expressive. He was a terrier, you know, so he had eyebrows. Like, I’d walk in the room and he’d go, like, oh, fuck, I can’t. And he would just leave! I would take him for a walk and I had to use a leash and I didn’t want to use a leash. I wanted to be one of those cool guys with a dog that just comes along, you know one of those guys. He’s always got, like, a suede jacket with patches in it. And, like, scratchy hair, he’s like, hey. And he gets in his old pickup and he’s like, come on, dog. He goes, like- You know those guys that can whistle that cool whistle? Whatever. Whew! And the dog jumps in the back and they both get laid somewhere because they’re both so cool. That’s what I wanted. But my dog, we’d go for a walk and the leash was, like, taut, like this, it wasn’t even like, yeah, we’re friends. It was like, how far from this kid can I get my face? He would be choking himself the whole- “I hate you! I hate you!” And if I ever, like, slipped and dropped the leash, he- He was like, I’m not your dog. He would just run. He would run like a slave, he would just take off. That’s how he ran. It’s an apt description. That’s how he ran. He didn’t run like a deer. This is how a deer… He ran like this. He ran away so many times and then we’d get a call from the pound. “Hi, we have your dog.” And you could hear my dog in the background, like, “Don’t- “Seriously? I told you I don’t wanna…” I’ve never been a big animal person. Some animals I hate. Uh, bats, I think bats are just disgusting. I hate bats. I hate-It’s a rat with leather wings. You ever seen one and they, like, look around? It’s like, somebody, you know? They have a face. It’s disgusting. I hate bats. And I’m sure there’s a whole thing of- Oh, did you know that bats make all the French toast in the world, or whatever? I don’t care. I hate them. I had a bad bat experience. This summer, I was, uh- We rented a house this summer, I got a house for me and the kids. My ex wife and I- We share custody of the kids, and so this summer, I had half- One month they go with her, one month with me, so I got a nice house in the country and it was beautiful, the kids loved it, but the kids go to sleep at, you know, 8:00 at night. So I’m just laying awake, terrified. Terrified. I’m so scared in the country, ’cause it’s just quiet and it’s just mystery. And trees and darkness. I live in New York City, I feel perfectly safe there. I’m surrounded by murderers and child molesters and Jews. Sorry. I mean, there are, there are a lot. There’s a bunch of those, but… So… So one night, I’m in the country house and I’m just laying- just laying awake, just begging for the fucking sun to come up so I can sleep through my days with the kids. And I’m laying awake and I’m- My bedroom’s above the kitchen and I- Suddenly I hear this- I swear to God, I heard this sound, I heard… I heard that, like, clear as a bell. And immediately, my heart is pounding. I’m like, I’m going to have a heart attack right now, because there is a witch in the kitchen. First of all, there are witches. I have no doubt, in that moment, there’s witches. That’s how easy it was to flip me over. There are witches. And there’s one in the kitchen, and I gotta go down there. I gotta-I can’t just, eh, she’ll get- They like kids, she’ll get the kids. So I go downstairs, I’m terr-Terrified. And I’m standing outside the kitchen door like this, for like, an hour. Too scared to go in, until a little bit of logic seeped in and told me, even if there is a witch in there, she wouldn’t just make a noise and then just stand there for, like, an hour. So I go in, there’s nobody in the kitchen. And then I hear the noise again, and it was the dishwasher. The dishwasher has weird tubes and when the soap goes through ’em, it’s kind of vocal, I don’t know why, but it goes… It was the weirdest thing, to watch my dishwasher do it. I was like, all right, it’s cool. I’m fine, there’s no witches. I’m about to go upstairs, and a- And a bat, a fucking asshole bat picked that moment- He’s like, ha ha! And he just flew right- right by my head, like this, and I just-I went, “Aaah!” And I just fell on the floor. “Aaah!” And I immediately, I crawl into the closet, I closed the door and I called 911 right away. I don’t know if you’ve ever called 911 and you don’t realize until they answer how you shouldn’t be calling 911? “911, tell us your emergency.” “I-I’m sorry, I’m very sorry to be bothering you. This doesn’t qualify.” The lady’s like, “Sir, what’s the problem?” I said, “There’s a bat in my house. And I don’t like it.” But she was nice to me, ’cause it’s country 911. If you call 911 in New York City, “there’s a bat in my house!” They’ll be like, “Sir, we’ll send a car right over to shoot you in the face.” But she was nice, she’s like, “Sir, we understand, “you’re divorced, you’re overcompensating “with the country house. You’re in over your head.” She said, call this guy, she gave me a number, she said, call this guy, he’s a guy who takes care of bats. He’s a man who’s, uh- bats are his focus. I felt like she was doing a lot of work to not say “bat man.” Like she was kind of going around… “He’s a male human who bats are his… I’m not gonna say bat- I don’t wanna say it.” So I called the bat man… …and he comes over and I’m in the closet looking through the crack, at- The bat is on the ceiling, hanging upside down, he’s just looking around. The most disgusting thing. And so finally, there’s a knock at my door and I go, I crawl to the door and I open it and he’s like, hello. And he says, “Where’s the bat?” And I’m like, “Ehhh…” So the guy walks over and he just takes the bat. That’s it. He just took it. He’s like, all right? Yeah, you pretty much nailed it. That’s amazing. It’s like I called somebody and said, “Help, there’s a box of tissues on my table!” Oh, thank goodness. What a relief, to have a man in the house. Would you like some sweet tea? I wasn’t expecting company. Ooh, my robe fell open. He saw my breasts. Ooh. What do we do now? Mr. bat man? You know, I’m kind of grateful to that bat now, now that you’re going to fuck me. You’re not? Well, all right, you can go, then. I can’t- I can’t get out of it. I’m sorry. I just like to keep doing that ’til the laughter stops. Fuck, he’s really- This is getting upsetting. What if I just did that for, like, 40 minutes? Well, if you weren’t gonna help me, then why did you come over? I’m alone here all day and I hardly can handle it anymore. All right, all right. So… No, no. No, don’t do that. Don’t do that. I was, um… I was in New York one time, I was on the subway platform and I saw two rats, uh, and they were fucking. And I never saw that before. I’m like, oh, shit. There’s two rats fucking right there. And so I watched ’em, um, ’cause you can watch rats fuck. It’s not a big deal. You don’t have to go, like… You can really just totally just watch ’em. Hmm, I see. Anyway, I’m watching ’em, I’m just curious. I mean, it wasn’t… surprising how they do it. It’s not like she’s on top going, mmm. Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mm. Thank you. I love it, I love it. Ooh! I think this is a Japanese rat I’m doing, I don’t know. “Ooh, it’s so good to fuck you! Ohh! Come on, Ricky, do me!” I don’t know, all right. Anyway, it wasn’t anything like that. It was a pretty standard rat fuck. Just, he’s on top, kinda smushing her into the pavement and she’s like… And I’m watching ’em, just- I mean, I didn’t, like, miss my train. Just, while I was there. ‘Cause I was- I was curious. It didn’t turn me on, I was just curious. ‘Cause I want to know, what is it gonna be like when he comes. That’s what I wanted to know. What is it like when a rat comes? Is it, like, uh- Is it just a biological thing, just a dispassionate, kinda just, meh! And then he just goes home? Or is it like, “Yeah, fucking yeah!” Is it like, “Aww…” Is it, you know? Is it ecstasy? Is it an orgasm? I told that story to a friend of mine. She was like, “Well, what about the girl rat? “What about her orgasm? Why didn’t you empower her and wonder how she comes?” What, are you crazy? Girl rats don’t come. There’s no way the girl gets to come when rats fuck. First of all, he’s not gonna hold out for her. He’s not that kinda dude, you can tell. He didn’t give a shit. He’s gonna fuck her and leave, he doesn’t even know her name. He’s not sitting there waiting for her and trying to think of things to not come, like giant garbage bags with no food in them or whatever. And even if he did, she’s on a subway platform in front of people. She’s not gonna be able to get to that place, that inside place, that girl rats need to find their orgasm. ‘Cause I know what girl rats need. I know how to make a girl rat come. I do, you just pick ’em up and hold ’em upside down and just… Just to be clear, what I was doing there… I just want to make sure you know. I spit in her mouth while I played with her little asshole. Don’t judge her, that’s what she likes. I did it for her. I was watching The Wizard of Oz with my daughters and- I know that’s- I know that’s, uh- That’s a weird couple of stories to put together. Fingering a rat’s asshole to orgasm and watching The Wizard of Oz with my daughters, but they happened to have happened one right after the other. Most things that I do, I do right after I made a rat come. That’s what I do at night. It’s my- It’s the only way I try to help. All right. So I was… Let me just tell you this first. I was, uh, I was at a place to- eating dinner in New York and I heard these two women talking and one of ’em is talking about the guy she’s dating. They were about 21 years old, like, NYU students, and so she’s talking about it and, you know, a lot of times I’ll hear this, a woman talking about the guy she’s dating and she runs down the stuff that’s not satisfying, the things she doesn’t like. She’s like, “He’s just, you know, I text him “and he, like, he doesn’t, like, respond right away “and then, when he does, it’s like, whatever, so that’s weird. “And then, like, I saw him and he’s just being weird. “And so then he, like, calls me, he’s like, I’m sorry I’m weird. “It’s, like, weird, right now. And I was like, whatever. And then we had sex. And it’s just weird.” And then I’m listening ’cause I wanted to know, what is her friend gonna say? I want to know what kind of friend she has, you know. And her friend just says, “He’s a piece of shit. “He’s a piece of shit. “He’s not good enough for you, ’cause you’re amazing. “You’re amazing. So he just can’t handle how amazing you are.” And I remember thinking, that is a shitty friend. That’s not a good friend. That is not a good way to approach life. “I’m amazing! “And anybody who doesn’t text me back is just- can’t handle how amazing I am.” I mean, she’s a student. She can’t be- She’s not Nelson Mandela, she’s in college. She-I’m sure she’s fine, but you’re amazing, the way you… take classes. What is- What is so amazing? She’s kinda boring, he’s kind of a douche, so it’s fine. They’re fine. You need to know that you’re boring a little bit. It’s important. Self love is a good thing, but self awareness is more important. You need to, once in a while go, oh, I’m kind of an asshole. You have to have that thought once in a while, or you’re a psychopath. You know like when you say to a friend of yours, “You’re being an asshole” and they’re like, “No, I’m not.” Well, it’s not up to you if you’re an asshole or not. That’s up to everybody else. You don’t get to say no to that. “You’re an asshole.” “No, I’m not.” “Oh, sorry, I thought- Okay, I’m glad I checked. I guess you’re not.” If somebody tells you you’re an asshole, you should go, “Oh, shit.” All right, what happened, how did I get here? It’s like somebody saying, you know, “You got something on your face. ” “No, I don’t.” It’s like America- I feel like America is, like, the world’s worst girlfriend. America is like a terrible girlfriend to the rest of the world, ’cause when somebody hurts America, she remembers it forever, but if she does anything bad, it’s like it- “What?” “It did- I didn’t do anything.” America, why do you keep bombing those people in Yemen and all these- “Well, it’s ’cause 9/11, okay? 9/11, so shut up, assholes.” Okay, but you killed hundreds of thousands of people, so I think you can- “Yeah, no, but 9/11. “Fuck you. You don’t even understand.” Yeah, but you’re torturing people. “I-It wasn’t even torture, oh, my God. “He’s such a baby. I didn’t even do anything to him.” And… And I’m saying this about women ’cause I’m a guy. Women might say this about- that this is what guys are like. That’s just what it’s like, you know, because I think racism and sexism are very different. To me, racism is just a mistake. It’s like, just an error. It doesn’t really make any sense, we can just do away with it, but sexism isn’t going anywhere, ’cause sexism is way deep the fuck down inside, so it’s just the way we feel about each other. It’s, “Ahh, women! “Women! Women! “Women! Women! Women!” And you’re like, “Men! “Men, men! Men! “Men! “Men! Men! Men!” Anyway, so I’m watching The Wizard of Oz with my daughters. Is that enough of a palate cleanser? All right. I’m watching The Wizard of Oz, I don’t know if you’ve seen it, it’s about a little girl named Dorothy, a very sweet little girl played by an alcoholic older lady, who, uh… Lives in Kansas, she has a dog, she’s very upset. And she keeps telling- “My dog!” And everybody’s like, This is a farm. We’re working. Leave us alone. And then there’s a tornado and they all run inside and they barely look for her. It’s unbelievable. It was so upsetting to me when I was a kid to see this movie, ’cause Auntie Em is like, “Dorothy! Okay, fuck it.” And she just goes right inside. Bolts the door. Unbelievable. So Dorothy goes up to Oz. So here’s the thing, I was watching it the other night, and there’s this one moment that really stunned me. It’s when Ray Bolger, who played the Scarecrow, he just got ripped apart by flying monkeys and he’s very upset and he has this performance that’s way over the top, even for this movie. Do you remember that moment? The Tin Man comes over. “What happened?” And he’s like, “Well, first they tore my arms off “and they threw them over there! And then they tore my legs off and they threw them over there!” And I’ve seen this movie a thousand times, but for some reason this time, that moment made me go, “Oh, shit!” Ooh! That was a lot. And I started to wonder if Victor Fleming, the guy who directed The Wizard of Oz, if he had a moment during the filming of the movie where he was, like, I think I gotta have a word with Ray, ’cause that’s getting to be a lot. All right, let him- Just let him do another one. Okay, action! “What happened?” “Well, first they tore my arms off “and they threw them over there! “And then they tore my legs off. They threw them over there!” Okay, cut! Comes over. Uh… So listen. Ray… Yes? Eh, you’re fine. You guys have been great, thanks a lot for coming. I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you very much! Thank you!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

LOUIS C.K.: OH MY GOD (2013) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-ck-oh-my-god-full-transcript/

Intro Fade the music out. Let’s roll. Hold there. Lights. Do the lights. Thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. I don’t necessarily agree with you, but I appreciate very much. Well, this is a nice place. This is easily the nicest place For many miles in every direction. That’s how you compliment a building And shit on a town with one sentence. It is odd around here, as I was driving here. There doesn’t seem to be any difference Between the sidewalk and the street for pedestrians here. People just kind of walk in the middle of the road. I love traveling And seeing all the different parts of the country. I live in New York. I live in a– There’s no value to your doing that at all. “The Old Lady And The Dog” I live– I live in New York. I always– Like, there’s this old lady in my neighborhood, And she’s always walking her dog. She’s always just– she’s very old. She just stands there just being old, And the dog just fights gravity every day, just– The two of them, it’s really– The dog’s got a cloudy eye, and she’s got a cloudy eye, And they just stand there looking at the street In two dimensions together, and– And she’s always wearing, like, this old sweater dress. I guess it was a sweater when she was, like, 5’10”, But now it’s just, like, this sweater And her legs are– her legs are a nightmare. They’re just white with green streaks and bones sticking out. Her legs are awful. I saw a guy with no legs wheeling by, And he was like, “yecch, no thank you. “I do not want those. “I’d rather just have air down here like I have Than to look down at that shit.” I see these two all the time, and I always look at them, And I always think, “god, I hope she dies first.” I do. I hope she dies first, for her sake, Because I don’t want her to lose the dog. I don’t think she’ll be able to handle it. If she dies– If the old lady dies first, I’m not worried about the dog Because the dog doesn’t even know about the old lady. This dog is aware of three inches around his head. He’s living in two-second increments. The second he’s in and the one he just left Is all he knows about, But if he dies, this lady, she’s gonna be destroyed Because this dog is all she has, And I know he’s all she has because she has him. There’s no– If she had one person in her life, She would not keep this piece of shit little dog. Even if just some young woman in her building one morning Were to say, “good morning, gladys,” She’d be like, “good,” And just flush him down the toilet, just– Poom! Poom! The dog just keeps bumping on the drain. Poom! “” she gives up. Ends up just shitting on her dog for the rest of her life. P-p-p! Poom! “My Daughter Likes Fish” You ever flush a pet down the toilet? I had to flush my daughter’s fish down the toilet. I came home, the fish was dead. She wasn’t home from school yet, so I just flushed the fish, And that’s a weird moment, too, ’cause fish live in water. So you put it in the toilet, floats to the bottom, Like, “yeah, he’s dead,” And then you flush, and it looks like he goes, “wait a second! Aw, shit! “I was taking a nap! Jesus! “you gotta be in constant motion To get any respect in this house.” And then my daughter comes home. “why did he die, da–” Come on. What am I gonna say? Why did he die? Because who gives a shit? That’s the reason. That’s the actual reason, is because didn’t matter That he was alive. That’s why he’s dead. He didn’t know his name, and he didn’t love you back. These are the facts about that fish’s life. My daughter likes fish. We took her to the aquarium. I took both my kids to the aquarium in boston, And we were looking at this seal, or sea lion. I don’t know which one. I don’t care. I don’t think they need to be separate things. I really don’t. They don’t care, and we don’t care. There’s, like, three scientists Who give a shit what we call all those things. The scientists could go on TV tomorrow And say, “ok, everybody. “from now on, seals and sea lions and walruses, And–you know what?–Penguins are all seals now,” And we would all be like, “yeah, all right. Fine. Yes. Whatever, man.” Anyway, so we’re looking at this seal/sea lion thing, And he’s looking back at us through the plexiglas, And he’s going– They’re really disgusting in person. Most animals are when you really see them. You ever go to a farm? You think you’re gonna see little, white sheep Going, “baa,” but they’re all fat and shit-colored, And they’re like– Jesus. That thing is awful. Anyway, seals don’t go– They go– My daughter’s like, “what is he saying?” I don’t know! “I’m a slave! Kill me!” “The Food Chain” Must be awful to be other kinds of stuff, You know? I’m glad I’m this. This is a pretty good deal when you consider the alternatives. Anything else, any other kind of thing, you’re in the food chain. You’re in the food– we are out of the food chain. I don’t know if we fully appreciate the fact That we got out of the food chain. That is a massive upgrade Because for every other living thing, Life ends by being eaten. That’s how all life ends, is– Every single life except human life, Every life ends like this. Aah! Aah! Aah! We’re the only ones that get to just die old in a bed, Just “I love you. Bye.” I mean, imagine if we were still in the food chain On top of everything else. Imagine if we were in the food chain. It would just be another thing you gotta deal with. You’re already having a bad day. You wake in up in the morning. You’re making breakfast. You burn your toast, and it’s too late to try again, And your kid comes in and says, “beh,” and you’re like, “fine,” And it’s just, “why?” You get a thing in the mail That says that your phone’s different, And your mortgage is another company now. What? I don’t get it! Then you’re walking to work like, “why do I even bother? “shit! Goddamn it! “there’s always fucking cheetahs at the train station! Stop it!” You think that sharks– Do you think that sharks would be embarrassed If they knew that we could all see their fins Sticking out the top of the water? I think they’d be bummed ’cause I don’t think sharks are aware of that at all. I think sharks think they’re slick. They swim around like, “hey, nobody has any idea what’s down here,” And we’re all up here like, “there’s totally a shark right there.” It wouldn’t be fun being a predator, either. If you’re a predator, imagine if every time you’re hungry, You gotta chase a guy Who’s running for his life. You gotta– “come on, dude! Shit, get over here!” And just hold him down and bite his neck Till he shuts the fuck up for a minute So you can just sit there and eat his stomach Before you go to work. That would really suck. That’s why animals just– They go, “let’s do this together, man. “you chase the parents away. I am gonna eat the kid, and you circle back.” That’s why they do it like that. “fuck it. I’m eating babies. This is bullshit.” “grownups ain’t worth the meat.” Whoops, all right. All right. shit. Goddamn it. Idiot. This isn’t a gay voice, by the way. It’s not. Shut up. yeah. “Courtyard Confrontation” I live in New York city, and it’s OK there. I live in a nice building. I never lived in a nice place before. When I was growing up, I had no money. I mean, my mom didn’t. Didn’t matter. I was a child. But I’m not used to it ’cause it’s nice. There’s, like, a pretty courtyard With flowers and a fountain with little marble boys pissing. I don’t know. What is it with fountains? Like, all fountain sculptors are pedophiles, basically. You can’t get a fountain made without– “can you make me a fountain?” “yes, I’ll get started right away! “Yes! Yes! It’s finished!” And it’s just little boys pissing on the face Of a Greek god that looks like him a lot. “just piss on me forever!” Anyway, there’s one of those in the courtyard of my building, And my first week in the building about a year ago, I went down to the courtyard for the first time, And I didn’t look too good, you know? It was a Sunday morning. That’s my least presentable hour. There’s a lot of, you know, just stains, Just like, you know, food and me and whatever… And so I’m sitting there. So? Shut up. Ha ha ha! Anyway, but so there I was. I’m sitting on the stone bench of this courtyard And feeling a little out of place. You know, there’s these fancy doormen and stuff, And then there’s this guy looking at me. I notice he’s looking at me from across the courtyard, And he’s all spiffy-looking. He’s got brown shoes, and he’s looking at me like, “” I can tell he was thinking I don’t live in the building. He thinks I just wandered in off the streets And sat in the courtyard. I can tell he’s thinking of coming over And dealing with me on his own, and I’m sitting there thinking, Like, “please do that. Yes. Please, come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on,” And I’m trying to look even more gross, And I’m, like, pulling up my shirt, “” And then I see him go, “no. That’s not gonna do at all,” And he comes over to me, “” and I’m like, “Num num num!” I’m so excited to have this thing, a confrontation Where I’m not wrong at all and he thinks I am. “rrgh!” So he comes over, says, “excuse me, “do you live in this building?” And I said, “no,” ’cause why not start there? I said, “no.” He goes, “well then, what are you doing here?” And I said, “I just need to rest. I’m having a hard time.” He says, “this is private property,” And I said, “well, I don’t really believe in that.” You know, just the worst things I could say from his point of view is basically all the things I was saying, And he goes, “well, if you don’t leave, I’m gonna talk to the doorman.” I was like, “can I just stay, like, five more hours?” So he’s–“no,” and he goes over to the doorman and I see him talking about me to the doorman like this, and then I see the doorman going, “no. That guy lives here. It’s OK,” And the look on his face– mwah mwah! Num num!– It was just so– It was this beautiful cocktail of anger and confusion. It’s like I had invented a new way to hurt somebody’s feelings. That’s how excited I was. “Getting What ‘Old’ Is” I’m 45 now, So I’m either halfway through a healthy life or almost done with a not-so-healthy life. I don’t know which one. I won’t know till it’s over where this was. I don’t know how long I’m gonna live. I don’t know. Nobody knows, I guess. I think human life expectancy is pretty good. We get a good run, you know? Some people die early, you know? If I die now, people will be like, “that’s too bad.” If I die five years from now, they’ll be like, “well, all right,” like it’s not even– It’s– Like, as soon as you’re 50, you’re a candidate. You know, there’s no candlelight vigils for 50-year-old guys that die, and you start pushing– You know, some people get to be like, 80s, 90s. You know, there are people that get to, like, 114, and then they’re in the news, and it’s always some old guy, “I met Napoleon.” No, you didn’t, you liar, You oldest liar in the world. But 45, you know, you’re not old yet, But you start having moments Where you kind of start getting what old is, Especially if you didn’t take care of yourself, you know? I have moments where I’m like, “wow, this seems early for this.” Like, this is something that happens to me a lot. I’ll be sitting watching TV or doing nothing, And all of a sudden, I’ll realize, “I need to wipe my ass right now.” “I mean, nothing happened, But I really gotta wipe my ass right now. Right now.” Gotta make trips to the bathroom just to wipe my ass. How does this happen already? I’m 45. Already, my asshole’s just like, “Just– ” My asshole– My asshole’s like the waistband on old pajama bottoms, Just kinda… Loose and ineffectual. My asshole’s like a bag of leaves that nobody tied up. It’s just sitting on the lawn, full and open, Puking leaves onto the grass with every wisp of wind. Some kid kicks it over on his way home From a tough day at middle school. “rats.” That’s a pretty accurate description of my asshole. Here’s another thing about my age right now. If I’m– OK. Say I’m sitting down. If I’m sitting anywhere, which–ha ha ha!– I love sitting so much– I would take sitting and doing nothing To standing and fucking any day. This is way better than coming. This is way better. This is what– At my age, if I’m sitting down and somebody tells me I need to get up and go to another room, I need to be told all the information why first. You gotta explain all that shit to me. “what? Why do I– no. Why, though?” “Your car is being towed right now!” “Well, that’s what happens to me, then. That’s– I accept that.” ’cause getting up is a whole thing. It means first, I have to decide, “do I really want to be alive anymore?” Like, let’s start with that, And then I gotta, “” start kind of rocking to get momentum, “” like I’m trying to get an old Honda out of a snow bank. “shit.” “Putting On Socks” The worst part of my day, worst part of every day of my life, is when I have to put on my socks. Putting on my socks is the worst part of every day, and it always will be. Even if I have a terrible day in the future Where my grandmother is murdered by my other grandmother, If that ever happened to me, the worst part of that day Will be when I put on my socks because– Putting on my socks, that means I have to– Here’s what I have to do. I have to get my hands past my pointed toe. I don’t even know how I do it. I’m sitting here. I don’t know how I do that. It’s ’cause you have to– It’s like folding a bowling ball in half. Soon as I start, I can feel– I’m pushing all the fat up into my vital organs, And I just feel all the systems failing. “beep, beep, beep!” And I have to, like, lay on my back like an eight-year-old And go like this, and I start passing out. And I know other people’s lives are hard. Ha ha ha! I know. I saw an interview on TV with Michael J. Fox, And he has Parkinson’s, and he was describing brushing his teeth, and he said It takes him two hours a day, and he said it’s agony, And I saw this and I thought, “OK. That’s hard.” That is hard, And so is putting on my socks. Sorry, Michael. Doesn’t make it easier to know about your thing. Tell you what. I’ll help you brush your teeth, you help me with the socks. “If You’re Older You’re Smarter” I don’t know. I like getting older, though. Life is an education, and if you’re older, you’re smarter. I just believe that. If you’re in an argument with somebody And they’re older than you, you should listen to them. It doesn’t mean they’re right. It means that even if they’re wrong, Their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have. They’ve been there longer. If you’re older, you’re smarter. How many people here, by applause, are 45 or older? 45 or older, applaud. OK. That’s about 60 people out of 2,400. Here’s the interesting thing. There’s way more. I can see you. There’s so many more. This is Arizona. There are way more people in that demographic, But they didn’t clap. Why? ’cause they’re smart. They’re sitting in the dark going, “I don’t have to clap. I don’t have to do anything.” They’re not doing it, and they’re right. You know why? ’cause never identify yourself. Never. Are you crazy? You don’t know why I’m asking. How do you know what– OK. Burn them all. Burn everybody over 45. How do you know I’m not gonna do that? How many people here, by applause, are 40 or younger? 40 or younger, applaud. That’s every time. “Whoo! Whoo!” every time. That is a weird thing to celebrate in a room where you’re not the only people here. That’s like going to a cancer ward– “not me! Whoo! I don’t have it! I don’t have it!” If you’re older, you’re smarter. A 55-year-old garbage man is a million times smarter than a 28-year-old with three ph.D.S, Especially smarter than him, ’cause this idiot Has been thinking about three things for, like, 15 years. He’s worthless. The garbage man is 55. He’s had some experience. Things have happened to him. He went to cape cod one summer. He saw a dead guy floating in the motel pool. He took a bus to Montreal. He got a hand job at a fair… From a miner. I mean a miner. Not a minor, a miner. You understand? A miner. A grown man who works in a mine With dirty hands jacked him off at a county fair. That’s what I’m saying happened to the 55-year-old. You see? He’s had some experience. He knows more. More has happened to him. He’s seen more. He’s seen history. He’s witnessed history, Even if it’s not ancient history. He saw Nixon resign on live television. Me and those few people that clapped, We saw the president of America cry And then quit being the president. That shit was crazy ’cause none of us knew what was gonna happen next. Today people are like, “the president’s kind of disappointing.” Really? Our president wept like an insane person And then got on a helicopter and flew away… And the whole nation just watched him go. “Getting Older Makes My Life Better” I like getting older, though, because for me, The kind of guy I am, getting older Makes my life better, you know, Like, my sex life, way better at 45, Look, ’cause this situation is OK at 45. This is not a fun kind of a 17-year-old to be. And some people, their life is better when they’re younger. You know, young dudes, young, skinny dudes, Best life in the world is being a young, skinny dude. They don’t have to do anything. They just show up With a big adam’s apple and a smelly t-shirt. “hey, I’m here for the easy pussy for the rest of my life.” “so where do I– everywhere? OK. Cool.” But for guys like me, this is not a fun youth. It gets better. I’d like to make one of those “it gets better” ads For just dumpy, young guys. We could use a little help, a little encouragement, Just somebody on TV, “listen, man. “I know it’s tough right now. “You’re vaguely heavy with no face. “You have zero value on the sexual marketplace. “You feel invisible to the girls in school because you are, “but it gets better because you’ll all grow up, “and you pretty much look just like this your whole life, “and they don’t. “Their options start running out really fast, “and you’re gonna be there. “As long as you stay relatively employed and washed, “you’re gonna be amazing in your 40s. “You’re gonna be– “you’re gonna be the branch that she can grab “before she hits the ground. “It’s gonna be so great. “It just takes time for her circumstances “to match your looks, but it’s gonna happen. “It’s gonna happen. “When real shit matters, you’re gonna be the sexiest motherfucker in the world.” It’s just time. That’s all it takes. There’s a formula to this. It’s pussy plus time over income squared. “Everybody Has Their Time” Everybody has their time. Everybody has their time. I mean, not everybody. There are people out there who there’s just nobody for them. Yep. People like to say things like, “there’s someone for everyone.” Nope! Not at all true, and stop saying it ’cause it’s mean to people who never find anybody. There are millions of people out there who we’ve all unanimously decided, they are light speed ugly and nobody kisses them on the lips, even. Nobody touches their genitals their entire life. They just wash it, and then they die. That’s all that happens, “aww,” and if you’re feeling bad for them, you can go find one and fuck one tomorrow, you can just solve the problem right there with all that kindness in your heart. “Aww.” Well, go fuck one. “Nah.” I didn’t think so. That’s the one way we’re all mean. Nobody does that. Nobody fucks down, nobody. People fuck up or across. Some women fuck down because a guy talked them into that it was up. Some guy, “yeah. No. You should. I’m totally up. Yeah.” “Dating Takes Courage” It’s a weird selection process that we have. Dating really is– It’s how we evolve, is dating. It’s how we choose each other, And dating is a real drag for a lot of people, But I always think it’s a nice thing. You know, when I see a date, I’m always happy when I see a couple on a date ’cause it means people are still trying, you know? You see a couple on a date, It means there’s still courage out there. That takes courage, to go on a date, for both sides, Two very different kinds of courage. The male courage, traditionally speaking, is that he decided to ask. He went up to a random woman who he has no idea If she’s gonna like him or not and he walked up to her terrified. Everything in your body is telling you, “just go the fuck home and jerk off. Don’t do this!” But he walked up and said, “hi. Yes,” And she’s like, “” “no, no, no. A second. Give me a second,” And you try to get through this membrane of, you know– And then, if it works And you say, “you wanna go out sometime?” Sometimes she’ll say yes, and if she says yes, that’s her courage, and the courage it takes for a woman to say yes is beyond anything I can imagine. A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species’ existence counts on them doing it, and I don’t know how they– How do women still go out with guys when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We’re the number-one threat to women. Globally and historically, we’re the number-one cause of injury and mayhem to women. We’re the worst thing that ever happens to them. That’s true. You know what our number-one threat is? Heart disease. That’s the whole thing. That’s it, just our own heart going, “dude, I can’t– “you can’t keep doing this. I told you three strokes ago that this is not smart,” But women still– “yeah. I’ll go out with you alone at night.” What are you, nuts? “I’ll get in your car with you with my little shoulders. Hi. Where are we going?” “To your death, statistically.” How do they still do it? If you’re a guy, try to imagine that you could only date a half-bear, half-lion, And you’re like, “I hope this one’s nice. I hope he doesn’t do what he’s going to do.” “First Date” I always– I love when I see a date. You know, when you see a date, you can tell it’s the first date ’cause of the way they’re walking together And she’s looking up at his face trying to figure him out, And he’s just a mess. A guy on a first date just has no actual personality. He’s just a mishmash of different kinds of dudes for a couple of seconds each, just anything, no cohesive– Just like a ransom note cut out of a lot of magazines, just, you know, “well… “ha ha! “well, yes. I think so, too. Ha ha! Rrgh…” Whatever, just like a blind dick in space just thrusting in infinite directions Hoping to find pay dirt at someplace, And then sometimes you see a date that’s later down the line and something has happened. There’s something that happens in a date that I never get to witness ’cause women do this. They get to do it inside. They get to just decide quietly, “I’m gonna let him fuck me.” They just get to decide. Something he says, and she’s like, “that was good. He’s gonna fuck me later,” And he has no idea. He’s still, like, trying all this shit. He still has no idea he’s already in there. “Tits” Guys are– We love women a lot– all men do– And we just look at you. That’s what I do. I just look at women. I just–“” Like they’re, you know, cakes in windows. I just–“” I was walking in New York once, and there’s these two very cute women walking behind me, and I was trying to walk slowly so I could hear what they were saying to each other, you know, ’cause they were cute, so I wanted to hear them, like that’s gonna help me in any way, to hear their– “don’t you wish the guy walking in front of us would squeeze our tits for, like, one second?” OK. Here. Here I go. Thank you. It’s really a flaw in men that we would all do that. If you’re a woman, you could ask any guy on planet earth, “could you squeeze my tit for one second?” And 100% of us will go, “yes, of course.” That doesn’t matter. I could be doing open heart surgery. “yeah. Ok.” Beep! “don’t worry. He’s not your tits. Don’t worry about it.” I don’t know why we love tits so much. Some people say it’s because we breastfeed, but so do women, Or, you know, baby women. Not grown-up women, don’t usually– You don’t see, like, a 68-year-old woman, Like, a stately look– You know, like Sigourney weaver, Like, sucking milk out of a young woman’s tit. “thank you, Deborah. I’ll see you tomorrow at 2:00.” It’s not usually the thing, Is the elderly breastfeeding from the young, Except for at the end of “the grapes of wrath,” Which I don’t mean to ruin that book for you, But you should have read it by now. I don’t know if you read “the grapes of wrath,” But that’s how it ends, with an old, dying man Sucking milk out of a young girl’s tits, And then the book is over, and you’re like, “Jesus! What happened at the end there? That’s crazy.” There’s no other book in that genre. There’s no dense, historic classic That ends with a weird, porny paragraph at the very– “and then Anna Karenina shat on his chest.” “holy moly with that!” “the end.” “my god! “that is a violent shift in tone at the end of that book. I’ve been reading this book for three months.” But we do, we love tits, And you always know a tit. You always know a tit. You know, like you ever been in a crowded place– Like a subway or like, you know, a sports stadium– And you’re smooshed in with other people And your elbow touches a tit behind you, you’re like, “that’s a tit. I just touched it. I know that was a tit. I know it!” Because the sensitivity of the male elbow To tit flesh specifically is unbelievable, just to tits, ’cause you could drive a tack in there, I’m not gonna feel it, But a tit– Through a shirt and a sweater and a jacket And her jacket, sweater, shirt and bra, somehow… “it’s a tit! I touched a tit! “I touched a tit! I touched one tit. One tit.” That’s rare, to touch one tit. It’s like a four-leaf clover. Usually, you touch two. The only time you touch one tit is when it was an accident Or you didn’t have permission, But otherwise… When tit access is granted, It’s usually good for two tits at a time. It’s, once you’re on one– You really have to screw up really badly and quickly To lose tit access between tits one and two. You must have said something really dumb on the first tit That you didn’t get the second one. “yeah, it’s like your mom’s dirty whore tit.” “why? What? I said I liked it. “that’s what I meant, is that I like it. “I like your mom’s dirty whore tit, And I like yours,” And if it’s up to the guy, we’re gonna touch both tits. No guy touches a tit and then goes, “you know what? “I’m good with the one. That’s fine for me. Everything in moderation.” We’re gonna touch both, Even if something terrible happens in the middle of– “yeah–” “there’s a bomb!” “shit! Come on, let’s get– “come on! Let’s get your tits out of here!” “Divorce” I’ve seen a few tits. I’ve seen–I don’t know– 48 maybe. I don’t know. I had my history in my life, you know? I’ve been divorced for five years, And it’s been the best part of my life, being divorced, Easily my favorite part of my life. I love being divorced. Every year has been better than the last. That is the only time I can say that about, and by the way, I’m not saying don’t get married. If you meet somebody, fall in love and get married, And then get divorced because that’s the best part. It’s the best part. Marriage is just like a larva stage for true happiness, Which is divorce, Because you just let go and everything’s fine now. Divorce is forever. It really actually is. Marriage is for how long you can hack it, But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak. Nobody ever says, ” my divorce is falling apart. It’s over. I can’t take it.” And again, if you’re in a good marriage, stay in it. If you’re in the best marriage ever, stay in it. I’m just saying, if you got out, it would be better. That’s just a fact. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Everything’s better. My ex-wife and I, This is the best part of our knowing each other. We’re good co-parents because we live apart and we’re friends. Our kids go to her half the week, They come to me half the week, and I’m a good father. I’m an attentive, focused, and responsible father. Do you know why? ‘Cause I get to say good-bye to these kids every week. Are you shitting me? It’s like every parent’s fantasy. Who can’t be a good father for half of every week? No matter how bad it gets, every Wednesday, I get to go, “good-bye, girls. “Daddy’s gonna go upstairs and pour whiskey all over his naked body right now.” “I’m gonna lay in my own filth until two seconds before you come back here.” That’s why I’m such a good dad. “Videoing Your Kids” My daughter was having a dance thing at her school. They had this big dance. Anyway, we all went, all the parents, And everybody’s there, and everybody’s got their phone, Every single parent. It was an amazing thing to watch ’cause kids are dancing And every parent is standing there like this. Every single person was blocking their vision Of their actual child with their phone, and the kids– I went over by the stage and the kids– There’s people holding iPads in front of their faces. It looked like we’re all in the witness protection program. Like, the kids can’t see their parents, And everybody’s watching a shitty movie Of something that’s happening ten feet– Like, look at your fucking kid. The resolution on the kid is unbelievable if you just look. It’s totally HD. Why are you taping this? You’re never gonna watch it. In a million years, you’re not gonna watch videos Of your kids doing shit you missed The first time it happened. You don’t watch it. You just put it on Facebook. “here, you watch it. I wanna take a nap now.” And then you get to read all the comments. “my god! “it’s so cute! Ngaah!” And guess what? They’re not watching it, either. They’re not watching the video. These kids are dancing for no one. Nobody watches the videos on your Facebook. They see the first frame of a kid and they go, “that’s very nice. OK. Back to this.” Nobody’s watching your kids’ videos on Facebook, I promise you. I’ll prove it to you. Next time you tape your kid’s dance, Tape one second of it and then add 20 minutes of just your own asshole. Just go in the bathroom and just record your own anus opening and closing for 20 minutes. Tack it onto your kid dancing for a second. Put that on Facebook. Everybody will write the same thing. “That’s adorable! I think I see a future star!” “Life Is A Good Deal” Don’t tape shit on your– Life is short. Life is very short. I like life. I like it. I feel like even if it ends up being short, I got lucky to have it ’cause life is an amazing gift When you think about what you get with a basic life, Not even a particularly lucky life or a healthy life. If you have a life, that’s an ama– Here’s your boilerplate deal with life. This is basic cable, what you get when you get life. You get to be on earth. First of all–my god– what a location. This is earth, and for trillions of miles in every direction, It fucking sucks so bad. It’s so shitty that your eyes bolt out of your head ’cause it sucks so bad. You get to be on earth and look at shit, As long as you’re not blind or whatever it is. You get to be here. You get to eat food. You get to put bacon in your mouth. I mean, when you have bacon in your mouth, It doesn’t matter who’s president or anything, You just–“” Every time I’m eating bacon, I think, “I could die right now,” and I mean it! That’s how good life is. You get to– you get to fuck. That’s free if you’re smart. That comes with. That’s part of the deal. Where else are you gonna get that deal? You get to put your dick in there and go in and out, Pretty good, And if you’re a woman, you get to just lay back And just have a dick just shoving in and out of you awkwardly Anytime you want, anytime you want. If you’re a gay man, you get to just fill your boyfriend’s ass with your dick, just fill it all the way to the balls, And it’s nice and warm and tight in there, And he’s your buddy. If you’re a lesbian, You get to do all the stuff they’re doing, and… It’s a great deal. You get to eat. You get to fuck. You get to read “to kill a mockingbird.” It’s a great life. So, you know, I’m not worried about it ending. “Behind The Wheel” It’s pretty good, and I’ve wasted a lot of time Just being angry at people I don’t know. You know, it’s amazing how nasty we can get as people, Depending on the situation. Like, most people are OK as long as they’re OK, But if you put people in certain contexts, they just change. Like, when I’m in my car, I have a different set of values. I am the worst person I can be when I’m behind the wheel, which is when I’m at my most dangerous. When you’re driving, That’s when you need to be the most compassionate And responsible of any other time in your life ’cause you are fucking driving a weapon amongst weapons, and yet it’s the worst people get, and I am the worst. One time, I was driving, and there was a guy ahead of me, And he kind of–I don’t know– sorta drifted into my lane for a second, and this came out of my mouth. I said, “worthless piece of shit.” I mean, what an indictment. What kind of a way is that to feel about another human being? “Worthless piece of shit”? That’s somebody’s son. And things I’ve said to other people. I was once driving, and some guy in a pickup truck did– I don’t remember, even– And I yelled out my window, I said, “hey, fuck you!” Where outside of a car is that even nearly OK? If you were in an elevator And you were, like, right next to a person’s body And, whatever, like, he leaned into you a little bit, Would you ever turn right to their face and go, “hey, fuck you!”? “worthless piece of shit!” No. Literally zero people would ever do that, but put a couple of pieces of glass and some road between you, there’s nothing you would not say to them. “I hope you die!” I said that to a person. “I hope you die!” Why? ’cause you made me go like this for half a second of my life. You tested my reflexes, and it worked out fine! So now I hope your kids grow up motherless!” I mean, what am I capable of? I’d like to think that I’m a nice person, But I don’t know, man. “If Murder Was Legal” A lot of it is context. There’s a lot of things I wonder if the world was different. Like, if murder was legal, I might have killed a few people. I don’t know. I’d love to think, “I would never do that,” But we really need the law against murder For one simple reason. The law against murder Is the number-one thing preventing murder. We’d like to think it’s ’cause, Like, “I would never do that.” No. It’s ’cause it really sucks getting caught murdering, a lot. If murder was legal, or just a misdemeanor– Like you get a thing in the mail– “shit, they had a camera there. Well.” If murder was legal, there would be so much murder. Regular people would murder. Murderers would murder even more, And then really nice, sweet people Would murder a few people, But nobody would murder no people. You wouldn’t trust somebody who didn’t murder If murder was legal. You wouldn’t like them. “I never killed anybody.” “OK. Nice meeting you. Yecch, what a creep. “I mean, not even a hooker? Live a life. “what’s wrong with that guy? He’s like a Mormon or some shit. I hate those guys.” “I think he’s nice.” “shut up, Janet.” They would just– If murder was legal, there would be a lot of murder. Children would behave very differently Because mostly parents would be murdering their own kids, That’s mostly what would happen if murder was legal. You know, you’d go to a mall, there’d be, Like eight, different moms in the mall just– “I told you to stop it! You didn’t listen to me!” Just–pbbt! There’d be just– You’d be stepping over dead kids. There’d be, like, a new problem. “you have to clean up your kids “when you kill them ’cause it’s gross. “it’s bad for the environment. “if you murder your child in a public place, “please use one of the red bags that are in the dispensers “every three feet of America. “put your murdered child in the red bag “with a logo of a murdered kid on it “next to the other logo that tells you “not to let your alive kid play with the plastic bag “because they might suffocate, In which case you could just leave them in the bag.” That is a whole bunch of horrible thoughts Right in a row, right in a row. That is a compressed area of bad thought. “Of Course, But Maybe” You know, you have your bad thoughts. Hopefully you do good things. Everybody has a competition in their brain of good thoughts and bad thoughts. Hopefully, the good thoughts win. For me, I always have both. I have, like, the thing I believe, the good thing– That’s the thing I believe– and then there’s this thing, and I don’t believe it, but it is there. It’s always this thing and then this thing. It’s become a category in my brain That I call, “of course… But maybe…” I’ll give you an example, OK? Like, of course children who have nut allergies need to be protected, of course. We have to segregate their food from nuts, Have their medication available at all times, and anybody who manufactures or serves food needs to be aware of deadly nut allergies, of course, but maybe… Maybe if touching a nut kills you, you’re supposed to die. Of course not. Of course not. Of course not. Jesus. I have a nephew who has that. I’d be devastated if something happened to him, but maybe… maybe if we all just do this for one year, we’re done with nut allergies forever. No. Of course not. Of course, if you’re fighting for your country and you get shot or hurt, it’s a terrible tragedy, of course, of course… But maybe… Maybe if you pick up a gun and go to another country and you get shot, it’s not that weird. Maybe if you get shot by the dude you were just shooting at, It’s a tiny bit your fault. Of course, of course slavery is the worst thing that ever happened. Listen, listen. You all clapped for dead kids with the nuts. For kids dying from nuts, you applauded, So you’re in this with me now. Do you understand? You don’t get to cherry-pick. Those kids did nothing to you. Of course, of course slavery is the worst thing that ever happened. Of course it is, every time it’s happened– Black people in America, Jews in Egypt. Every time a whole race of people has been enslaved, it’s a terrible, horrible thing, of course… But maybe… Maybe every incredible human achievement in history was done with slaves. Every single thing where you go, “how did they build those pyramids?” They just threw human death and suffering at them until they were finished. How did we traverse the nation with the railroad so quickly? We just threw Chinese people in caves and blew ’em up and didn’t give a shit what happened to them. There’s no end to what you can do when you don’t give a fuck about particular people. You can do anything. That’s where human greatness comes from, is that we’re shitty people, that we fuck others over. Even today, how do we have this amazing microtechnology? Because the factory where they’re making these, They jump off the fucking roof ’cause it’s a nightmare in there. You really have a choice. You can have candles and horses and be a little kinder to each other or let someone suffer immeasurably far away Just so you can leave a mean comment on YouTube while you’re taking a shit. Thanks a lot, folks. You guys were great. Thank you very, very much. Thank you.

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BILL BURR: WALK YOUR WAY OUT (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-walk-way-2017-full-transcript/

Netflix special filmed on October 21, 2016 at The Ryman Auditorium in Nashville. All right, thank you. Thank you very much. How are you? How’s it going? Thank you, thank you, thank you. Nice to be here. Nice to be here. Thank you. I appreciate it. Let’s see if I’m funny first. Let’s see if I’m funny. Nice to be here in Nashville. Look at me. I went out and got myself a cowboy shirt. Right? To fit in with all you guys coming in from your ranches. Huh? Living out there in the barns. Is this what you’re doing? You’re like, “I’m working on an app, okay?” “To launch this website.” Um… Oh, shit. What a fucked-up time this is, huh? It’s so weird to tape a special right before a presidential election, especially one like this. Like, this is literally, like, “What is going to happen?” You know? How the fuck did we end up with these two? Jesus Christ. This is like the first week of American Idol. You know? It’s like, “Really? This is what I got?” “Take his coat! Take his coat!” Whatever the hell she’s doing. You know? It’s unbelievable. You’ve either got a racist dope or, like, the devil. Like, that’s the choices. “I just walk up and grab it! I just grab it!” All right. Is that what you do? Fucking lunatic. “I’m gonna build a wall. I’m gonna build a wall.” I love people thinking he’s actually gonna do that. Really? Are you gonna do that? You’re gonna build a wall from fucking California to Texas? You’re gonna do this? Have you ever done that drive? Because I’ve done that drive. Took the 10 East out of Los Angeles. That is a two-day drive, 80 miles an hour. Just wall, wall, wall. You’re in there like John Goodman in Raising Arizona… just driving. Like, how many times are you gonna go to Home Depot to build this thing? You actually think you’re gonna get this done? Look at the Freedom Tower. We actually wanted that shit and it took almost 15 years to get it done. Half the people don’t even want this fucking thing. I’m telling you, by the time they’ve finished it, this country will be so fucked up, we’re gonna be the ones going over it. “Dude, they got… they got real sugar!” “They got real sugar in their Coke!” “I heard, on the other side, the Orange Crush tastes like it did in 1978.” Remember that two-year period when it was actually delicious? Yeah. So you’ve got him and then you’ve got Hillary. Hillary’s just like a made guy. Just a made-fucking-guy. Everybody thinks, like, you know, she dresses like a real-estate agent. You know? Nothing to worry about. She’s a fucking made guy. She’s gonna give ’em the wars, she’s gonna microchip the babies, phase out the cash. She’s not gonna do it, but she’s gonna keep steering it in that direction. Privatizing water. Water’s not a basic human right. She’s gonna… go through the whole fucking thing, that psycho fucking thing that you do when you go after that kind of power. You’ve got to put it all over here in a little box, all your evil, as you’re just sitting there, fucking smiling, knowing what’s really going on. As you’re talking to Joe Sixpack. He puts his pants on one leg at a time. No, it’s so fucking, you know… It’s unreal. Like, I don’t know… These are the two worst choices ever. Trump, if he wasn’t… if he wasn’t so fucking racist… If he wasn’t so racist… I can deal with the pussy-grabbing. That’s not in my world. I’m selfish, like every other voter, all right? If he wasn’t so fucking racist… he would actually scare me a little less, because he’s so obviously a dope. He’s so dumb, I don’t think he could get away with anything. You know what he reminds me of? Have you ever watched Law & Order and they make an arrest, like, within the first 15 minutes, you know, and they’re trying to get you to think, “We got him!” You’re just looking at your watch. “There’s no way this guy did this shit.” “There’s, like, another 45 minutes left.” “This can’t be the guy. Who’s the real guy?” And that’s when fucking Hillary, she fucking comes walking in. Yeah, she goes to those Bilderberg meetings, you know, where they dress up like pheasants and they fuck each other. Right? Sacrifice some employee from a Best Buy. Fight over his name tag for a trophy. Right? Who do you pick? I’ve got no idea. So I’ve just been, like, regressing. I can’t deal with this shit. I just want to hit pause. I don’t want this election to fucking happen, so I’ve just been regressing, and I’m just watching the dumbest shit I possibly can. You know, morning time, those stupid talk shows to get soccer moms’ day started. You know, they have all those non-thinking stories. “You love him. He’s your best friend. But did you ever wonder, what does your dog do when you’re not home?” “The next video may surprise you.” And I just… “Fill it up! Fill up my brain with this dumb shit! I don’t want to deal with what’s really going on.” “Nationwide heroin epidemic? Fuck that!” “It’s National Taco Day. We’ve got Tony from Tony’s Taco. Tony, what is it that makes a great taco?” “Well, it’s all about starting out with the tortilla.” Like, watching them making pancakes and all that shit. Talking to the ladies, talking about body issues. They always talk about body issues. That’s the dumbest one ever, when they talk about Hollywood. “Hollywood, they create these impossible body images. Blah-blah-blah.” You know, that whole thing. The plus-size actress. Right? The fatties. You know? That’s like a big thing. They’re sick of being treated like fat people. I don’t know what it is. They’re going on the cover of magazines now, just showing how fat they are, wearing a little amount of clothes, and everybody’s, like, hyping ’em up. Like, “Oh, my God. That’s so brave! That’s so courageous!” I’m not saying it doesn’t take balls, but that’s a bit of an overreach with the word “brave,” right? Like, what am I supposed to do if I ever see a fireman running out of a building carrying a baby and an old lady? Am I gonna sit there like, “Oh, my God! You’re like a fat actress that takes her shirt off to do a magazine shoot to promote the movie she’s in”? Now, look, I know you’re not supposed to make fun of fat people. I understand, all right? I don’t know why, though. Why? They’re not a race, they’re not a religion. It’s totally curable. Eat an apple and go for a walk, you know? Why are you yelling at everybody else? What the fuck are you giving me shit for? All right? You put the cookies in there! I didn’t! How is this my problem? Jesus Christ! You ate your way in, you can walk your way out. All right? And just slowly start shedding the pounds. Shove some fucking lettuce in there instead of a bunch of Ho Hos and it’s gonna come down, and then you’re on my side of the fence, right? Join me. Come on, say it with me. Shame! Shame! Right? I know you’re not supposed to shame. You’re not supposed to fat-shame, you’re not supposed to slut-shame. They’re, like, shaming shaming. People aren’t supposed to walk around with any shame. It’s a legitimate human emotion, but you’re not supposed to feel it at all. You’re supposed to just walk around like a dictator. You’re not gonna feel any shame? You’ve never felt shame? You never had such a bad fucking night, the next morning, you woke up, you couldn’t even look in the mirror? When you brush your teeth, you looked up. You’re like, “Oh, you fucking piece of shit. Wow! Wow! Even for you, that was bad. Lights out, curtains drawn, until at least two in the afternoon, before I can even look at you, you fucking piece of shit!” Yeah, you’re supposed to have no shame? That’s the new world? You’re just gonna walk around, sucking dick, you know, eating cookies, and just show up, and nobody’s supposed to say anything? No one’s supposed to have an opinion? “Well, that’s gonna go off the rails pretty soon.” I know, it’s probably mean to do this stuff, but, like, you can only have so much sympathy. There’s so much stuff you can care about. You know what happened to me that changed my life? I did a gig in India. Right? Unbelievably great people, but some of the stuff I saw, I’ll never forget. Literally, I did a gig in India, I saw a toddler take a shit between two parked cars, walked away, no pants or parents, and then disappeared into the crowd like Hannibal Lecter at the end of Silence Of The Lambs. It’s one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever seen in my life. And then I come back to my country and it’s like, “The studio said I have to lose 15 pounds to star in a movie.” Well, then start running, you fat fuck! That’s your big complaint in life? You know what it is about these fatties? Do you know what it really is? They have no respect for the amount of sacrifice and dedication it takes to truly get in, like, magazine-level shape, which is the… You ever try to get abs? You ever tried to get all the abs down here? You ever tried to do it? It’s fucking impossible! Past the age of 19, you can’t do it without tons of help. You’ve got to buy all these exercise tapes, you’ve got to read about nutrition, you’ve got to get a personal trainer having you fucking running along. You need your own chef. “Okay, don’t eat it yet. All right, now eat it. Start consuming it. All right, stop. Slow down. Stop. Stop. Spit it out! Spit it out! I told you to stop! Get on the elliptical! You liked that Brussels sprout?! Did you like that?! ‘Cause now you’re paying for it!” It’s a fucking miserable experience. Just walking around and your whole body’s eating yourself. “Do you want some cake?” “No. No, I’ll just take a salad. Balsamic vinaigrette on the side. No croutons. Oh, my God! When is the photo shoot? I want to kill myself.” It’s horrible. Have you ever tried to get fat? No. You don’t have to. It’s effortless. You can fucking lay on your back, watching your favorite show, just shoveling shit down your throat. “What are you doing?” “I’m getting fat. I’m getting fat.” “You got a trainer?” “Don’t need one. It’s natural. I just eat everything that makes my sugar/salt go like, ‘Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!’ It comes right in, a nice roll of fucking flab.” No, it’s ridiculous. I know nobody wants to be fat, so I’m not shitting on anyone. But don’t fucking come at me like it’s my problem, and I need to fucking rewire myself. No. You’re overweight, okay? There’s plenty of things that can help you out. Everybody’s got something to deal with. I’m a fucking lunatic with my temper. This is something I have to deal with. I do. You know? You, you can’t fucking stop eating pork chops. That’s something you fucking deal with. I don’t have to completely rewire myself. You know, it’s just a bunch of sixes pissed off that they’re not getting treated like a ten, you know? At some point, you’ve just got to acknowledge what you are. You’re a six. I’m sorry, all right? Nobody jerks off to a six. That’s the deal. Unless you work with her. If you work with her, you know, she’s got that one outfit, you know, it just does something for you. You work in close quarters, so you know what her shampoo smells like. There’s an intimacy. There’s an intimacy there. All right? I don’t know what women rub one out to, but I know it ain’t me! All right? This is a fantasy. That’s why I don’t feel bad about trashing ’em. It’s like, yeah, this is all coming from… I’m a strong five, all right? That’s where I am, so I still feel like I’m punching up here. You know? Honestly, people, I’m a bald red-headed male. You don’t think there’s a glass ceiling on the kinds of parts I can get in Hollywood? Really? Do you think I’m ever gonna be the lead in a romantic comedy? That ain’t happening, even if I’m booking the movie. I want to make the money back. That’s the thing, it’s show business. There’s $1 million on this film, okay? We’re trying to make fucking money. You just want to show up with fucking crumbs on the side of your face? Show up in shape, looking as fuckable as possible, know your lines. Ready to work. It’s called being a professional, right? Dude, Ben Stiller had abs in Meet The Parents! There was no reason for him to do that. He just knew, “I’m gonna take my fucking shirt off. I don’t want to get trashed.” He was shredded. Yeah, go be a fucking postman. I mean, I don’t know what to tell you. No, this is just the ramblings of someone who’s sliding into the back nine of his life, and I’m not understanding half the shit that’s going on, you know? You know, one of the big things that really made me feel old was when McDonald’s started making salads. That literally ripped my heart out. I’m like, “They’re doing what?” Now they have wraps and they’re doing all of this shit. You know what it was? Out-of-shape people complained to them. “You don’t have any healthy options.” It’s like, “Dude, this is McDonald’s! This shit is poison! Who the fuck comes here to get in shape?” Whenever I get McDonald’s, I have a whole plan. At my age, I’m 48 years old, I know what I’m gonna order. I’m gonna go in there, it’s gonna taste great. Twenty minutes later, I’m gonna want to kill myself. And then I’m gonna go, “I’m going to the gym tomorrow.” And no matter how much I say that, I woke up the demon in me. I woke up the demon, and all that grease is just coursing through my veins. And no matter how much I want to go to the gym, this other voice is going, “Dude, get an Egg McMuffin. Go down there and get an Egg McMuffin.” And I’m gonna sit up like the Manchurian Candidate. “We’re going to McDonald’s.” My in-shape voice is in the back, going, “No! What are we doing?! Go to the gym!” And I’m just… gonna drive right down. Right? I know what it is. But somehow out-of-shape people somehow made them… They’re to fucking blame. They had to have healthy shit ’cause they’re why everybody’s fat. How come they have to do it? What about Ben & Jerry’s? How come they don’t have to put kale in their ice cream? Why is that? “Oh, they’re a couple of hippies, man. They’re, like, making ice cream.” They’re going after big, bad McDonald’s. You know, it’s just… Who the fuck goes to McDonald’s to get in shape? And don’t give me that horseshit that eating healthy is expensive. It isn’t. Go to a fucking supermarket. They’re throwing the vegetables at you. “Here’s celery. Get it the fuck out of here! Seventy cents! Twenty-five cents for a banana! Whatever the fuck you want! Get it out of here… before it goes bad!” No, it’s fucked up. They somehow convinced them that… You know? “McDonald’s is the reason why I’m out of shape.” “I would have got a salad, but you didn’t have the option, so I was like, “Well, I guess I gotta get 52 Big Macs.” “Thanks a lot, McDonald’s!” It’s like, “Dude, you’re an adult. It’s not their job to babysit you. They’re a fucking business. If you order 50 sandwiches, they’re gonna give it to you. It’s your job to not do it, you fucking dope.” Right? I know. Sorry. I know. Yeah. Dude, McDonald’s… McDonald’s exists for two reasons, okay? It’s for drunk people and it’s for children. All right? That’s what this thing is. You know? You’re in your car, your kids won’t shut the hell up, you go to the drive-through. You go to the drive-through, you get a couple of poison burgers, you throw it down their throats. Their little systems can’t handle it. They start… They start nodding off. And you’re up front, you’re bigger. You can handle a bigger dose of poison. Do you know what I mean? Pop in your Def Leppard cassette and you have a little moment for yourself. Yeah. That’s what it’s for. It’s for your kids and it’s for drunk people. How many times have you driven out to a bar going, “I’m just gonna have one.” All of a sudden, you had, like, 11, right? And you’re hammered, and you’re thinking… You know, but you’re responsible. You’re drunk but you’re responsible. You’re like, “Goddamn it, I drove my car here tonight… goddamn it, I’m driving it home.” All right? “I’m not gonna burden this place of business by taking up a parking space in this completely empty parking lot for the next six hours.” Now, I am not advocating drinking and driving, but I will tell you, there’s nothing better than when all your friends and family know you’re hammered… There’s nothing better than that walk to the car. It’s incredible. Women are screaming, people tearing at your clothes. You feel like you’re in the Beatles. “Oh, my God! No! Stop him!” You’re like, “No autographs. I’m sorry. I have to go. I’ll be back. Just… get ’em off me!” Then you get in the car and everybody’s screaming. “Get in the fucking car! You’re fine! I had the car eight years. I know… I can almost see my house. Just get in the fucking car. You’re gonna make the cops come! Get in the fucking car. I swear to God, just get in the fucking car. Oh, take your seat belt off, you fucking Mary. I’m going right down the street.” Right? And then what happens? You get out on the road, you realize you’re way more hammered than you thought. Who was always there for you? McDonald’s with the drive-through. The 24-hour drive-through. You could just pull in and hide in plain sight, right? And that little sad traffic jam of divorcees, shut-ins, people who go to Comic-Con, right? You just pull in… and just stop. You can take a little nap. It’s like… “Thank you! Thank you! Right.” You’d pull around. That’s what it was all about. And now, all of a sudden, they’re the reason this country’s out of shape, you know? They’ve had McDonald’s my whole life. People weren’t this fucking fat, right? It’s not their fault. You can’t pin it on ’em. But McDonald’s fucked up. They fucked up, because they gave in to out-of-shape people, and they said, “All right, fine, it’s our fault. We’ll start making salads.” And then they got on their heels. They got on their heels, everybody sensed it, and now look at them. Okay? Four or five years later, now they got to make breakfast all day. Right? Because you know what happened. All the potheads showed up. “Hey, man, if you’re gonna make him a salad, like… like, what if I want, like, a breakfast thingy and it’s not breakfast? Like…” “You’re gonna hook him up, but you’re not gonna hook me up? That’s, like, food racism or something, man. I just don’t understand.” They’re like, “Fine! We’ll start making breakfasts.” They just completely lost their way. I swear to God, dude, if I was running that corporation, this is what I would do. I’d bring that clown back. All right? I’d bring the clown back, okay, and I’d just have that thing just look right down the barrel of the camera, have a little bit of dry ice in the background. You come right in tight on his face. He just looks right in the camera and goes, “Look… if you can’t get your fat ass down here… by 10:30 in the morning… you’re getting a burger.” “All right?” “No. No. The clown ain’t finished!” “I’m not making pancakes at three o’clock in the afternoon because you did blow all night with your friends and you’re just getting your shit together, all right? Make no mistake, this is a burger joint. It’s always been a burger joint. We did that breakfast thing as a favor. We were just trying to freak out IHOP. ‘Oh, we’re doing it, too! We’re doing it, too!’ Your own mother won’t make you pancakes at three o’clock in the afternoon, okay? So get your fat ass or your drugged-up ass down here before 10:30. We decide. It’s our place. We tell you what the fuck we’re making, all right?” That’s it. Take him out, then he pushes a kid on a swing. Something nice. So… Anyways, by the time this special comes out, another election will have come and gone, and it’s just… God knows who we picked. It’s another one, they’re not gonna fucking talk about anything. The oceans are dying. They just said the Great Barrier Reef is dead. You know? Genetically altered food. There’s too many fucking people. I don’t even know… They’re just talking about a bunch of shit. You know? Bruce has to drop a deuce. Where is he gonna go? Which bathroom should this guy use? I don’t give a shit. This guy has enough money to literally have a porta-potty rickshaw running behind him. How are you going to eliminate… a couple billion fucking people? Do you ever think about that shit? You know, they never talk to us about it. You know they do behind closed doors. A bunch of creepy dudes all sitting around some giant table. Right? They probably talk about it then. Just sitting down after, like… “I trust everyone had their fun?” “Let’s get down to the task at hand. There are over 7.5 billion people on the planet. We’re running out of fresh water. There won’t be enough chicken… to feed the others. Does anyone here have any suggestions… on how to eliminate the pressures of the undesirables?” “Ah, yes, you. Number four. You may speak.” “Well, you know, what uh… What if we, like, slowly cooked ’em at the airport? You know? Just throwing it out there. What if you had a revolving-door-looking thing, you made ’em take their shoes off, they got in and they stood up like that? And you just radiate ’em from head to toe… once on the way out, once on the way back.” “Oh, yes. Yes! I like that. I like the sound of that. And how would that work? Would you have it on low at first, sear them like a tuna steak? They don’t understand. You let the children go. We’ll use them for slaves later, right? No old people. They’ll die soon. Just people in the prime of their life. And gradually, over the years, you increase it and they start frothing at the mouth. They don’t recognize their children. The property comes back to us!” “Oh. I trust everyone at this table flies private?” Dude, my wife thinks I’m out of my mind because I think shit like that. But I think I’m right. Dude, I know they think about it. I know they think about it, because I think about it. Every time I land in a city and it’s two o’clock in the afternoon, I’m just driving down the street and I’m in the middle of a fucking traffic jam, that inner Mussolini comes out of me, right? Like, “What are all these people doing in my road?! They must be eliminated!” I don’t know. Like, how do you not fucking bring it up? It’s ’cause it would freak everybody out, you know, that you have to start maybe taking some measures… to start thinning out the herd. Do you feel that? That’s right. That’s right, yeah. And what do you think, dude? You think you’re gonna… You think you’re in the fucking upper tier? You’re in the… You’re in the luxury boxes, yeah? You spend a lot of time with yourself. You’re doing a lot of nodding. “I like what I think. I like what I think a lot. What I think is the way it should be.” I understand what that’s like. I live this fucking isolated life, man. I go on the road, I’m in green rooms, and I just fucking, you know… I’m just by myself all the time. You slowly go fucking crazy. I did a gig recently. I was in Ireland and I was in the green room by myself. I went to turn on the light. It was one of those pull switches. It wound up around itself, looked like a little noose. I immediately thought, “What if I stuck my head in there and just…” “and just turn the lights out?” literally and figuratively. I was not thinking about killing myself at all. The second I thought, “What if I just fucking did that?” And then I looked in the mirror, I caught my eye and we both laughed. Yeah. I had this wonderful little moment with myself. No words needed to be spoken. You know? Yeah. So I think about the population all the time, as you can tell. On my specials, I’m always talking about it. I think I got the plan, ’cause I know… No. Wait until you hear the plan first, ’cause a lot of people are gonna die. Before you start hootin’ and hollerin’. Everybody thinks they’re gonna fucking make it, right? This is how you do it. Well, this is how I would do it. First of all, you’ve got to become a dictator, okay? Because it’s too late to be like, “Hey, man, maybe just have a couple…” It’s too fucking late. Someone’s got to have the balls to take out the sickle… and start chopping some heads. So, here’s my idea. I become dictator. Obviously you’ve got to murder everybody in power, right? From the head all the way down to their goldfish, you’ve got to kill everyone in the family so they don’t come back for their revenge, like in Godfather II or every karate movie you’ve ever seen, right? You’ve got to do it the way the Russians did, where you don’t find the skulls for 100 fucking years. That’s the way you do it. Then you take control of the media. I keep all of you guys media blacked out. You don’t know what’s going on unless I want you to know it, right? Big pictures of me. You’ve got to sing songs about me. If there’s no passion in it, a black van pulls up and you’re never seen from again. All right? I figure three to six months of that, everybody gets on the same page, and that’s when I’d start thinning it out. This is how I would do it. I would just start randomly sinking cruise ships. Just hear me out. It’s the way to go. It’s the way to go. You get 2,500 to 3,000 people a whack. And I think it’s a really good mix of people to get rid of. You know? Think about the kinds of people that take a cruise. These aren’t forward thinkers. These aren’t seekers. They’re not pivotal to our survival. You ever hear somebody coming back from a cruise? It’s one of the worst stories you’re ever gonna hear. Because they don’t do shit. They don’t want to travel to another country, interact with a new culture, try to figure out the train system or the money. All they want to do is just sit on a fucking boat. Just drinking. That’s all they want to do. Right? Worst story you’ll ever hear. “Hey. How was your cruise?” “Oh, it was great. I was fucking laying there. There was a DJ over here on the one-and-the-two wooka-wooka thing. Right? And then they had this chocolate fountain. It was like a fountain, but it was chocolate! And you stuck the toothpick in the food, and you stuck it in the chocolate, and you stuck it in your mouth.” Then, ‘I want another drink!’ Then they bring it, you drink it, it dribbles down and it gathers in your navel. You punch yourself… to get it in your mouth.” Then, every day around noon, we line up for lunch. What’s for lunch? We don’t know. We don’t make decisions. Whatever they give us. I like all-inclusive, you just have to think once. Can I write that number on this piece of paper? All right, tell me where to go.” I’m telling you, if you guys could just get past the humanity of what I am suggesting… If you could just get past it and maybe lose a couple of friends here or there… I am telling you, you wouldn’t miss them. You know when you’d miss ’em? When you went to a baseball game and there wasn’t those 100 people in the upper deck trying to get the wave going. Right? You wouldn’t have people getting mad ’cause someone’s sitting during a song, like, “That’s offensive to me, even though I don’t know the issue!” Right? Nashville, a little pull back on that one. A little pull back. It’s about police brutality. It has nothing to do with you and your beautiful white world, and mine, right? Just let it go. I don’t give a fuck if you watched every episode of McHale’s Navy. This is still not about you. It’s not a military issue. I’m telling you, you wouldn’t fucking miss ’em. And this is the deal, all right? I wouldn’t just give the order to start sinking these cruise ships and then retire to my chambers with my mistresses and my whores. Right? Just banging away, wearing the whole uniform. The whole dictator uniform. Everything except for the pants. Right? Compression socks with sock garters, just banging away. My honorary medals just clanging off my chest. The big thing is to see how long I could fuck and keep the hat on. Like, “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” No, you can’t do that. That brings resentment amongst your men. You’ve got to lead them into battle, and I would. I would. I’d have my own sub. All right? I’d have my own sub and I would hunt these cruise ships on a moonlit summer night. That’s right. On a moonlit summer night, when sound carries. You know, those summer nights when your neighbor’s talking about you. He doesn’t think you can hear him. You’re on your porch. “Is that how it is?” “So that’s how it is, right?” One of those nights. And I’d be a sport about it. I’d surface before I did it. I’m armed, they’re not. It’s only fair, right? If they see me, I give them a little wink, a little nod. I’d have a little Red Baron class. “All right, get the fuck out of here.” Right? But if you didn’t see me, it would be game on. And every moonlit summer night, every summer I would go out to harvest. That would be the deal. I would just surface. “And listen for the music, yeah?” “Fire one.” “Dude, look at my arms in this tank top.” And then you cruise over, you strafe all the survivors. “Bring it around!” That would be it. Twenty-five hundred to 3,000 less people. And you know what’s the greatest thing? It’s all underwater. All the evidence is gone. All the evidence is gone. Every mass murderer throughout time has fucked up. They did it on land. You’re gonna get caught. Where are you gonna put all of that, right? You do it out to sea. It all goes under, you know? Nobody knows. “I don’t know what happened. I have no idea.” No evidence. No evidence. Maybe… Maybe, like, a flip-flop, right? Like an Ed Hardy shirt just… floating by. I’m controlling the media and nobody knows about it, right? And as I sank the ships, I would be building exact replicas at the same time, right? So I’d be eliminating people while creating jobs. You guys have no fucking idea what’s going on. All of you just realize, like, “Wow, man, the traffic’s easing up. I’m getting into third gear at five o’clock at night. This is crazy! I don’t know what’s going on, but this Bill guy’s all right. Another buddy of mine got a job building ships. Can you fucking believe that? That industry, it’s just blowing up. It’s crazy. Dude, I want to get a job down there. They pay great. You know, make a little extra money. Who knows? Maybe you and me take a cruise. We’d have a good time, right? Get out there.” That’s how it would work. That’s how my ethnic cleansing would work. It wouldn’t be based on race or religion. It would just be based on people dumb enough to think that taking a cruise is actually travelling. Technically, you’re travelling, but what are you seeing? Just a bunch… “Look at the water! Oh, my God! You can tell that’s the Atlantic Ocean. That definitely does not look like the Pacific Ocean.” So… Yeah, look, admittedly, I’m a fucking psycho. And uh… Oh, yeah. Dude, I have dreams… I had a dream two years ago that still haunts me. You know? You ever have one of those dreams where you think you woke up but didn’t? You’re just sitting up and it feels like… I had one of those dreams, right? So I just sat up in bed, and I looked over, and there was a little girl in the corner. No idea who she was. She was, like, three, four years old. And she was talking to me, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. She was standing in the corner, going… I was like, “What?” “What did you say? I… I can’t hear you, sweetheart. You’ve got to come closer.” She walked halfway to the bed. She was nodding her head, going… Big, like, The Grudge eyes. I’m just… “You’ve got to come closer.” She walks up to the bed. I was like, “I couldn’t hear you, sweetheart. What did you say?” And she just nods and just goes, “You’re gonna kill yourself.” I just sat up, like… I’m like, “No, I’m not! No, I am not!” My wife wakes up. “What’s the matter?” “I just had the most scary dream I’ve ever had in my life! It was horrible!” She’s like, “Was I in it?” “No, you self-centered jackass! Jesus Christ! Not everything is about you, sweetheart. I love you, but it’s not all about you. Now, shut up. I’m gonna…” I tried to go to sleep in the same position so I’d run into that little girl again, so I could, “Look, you little shit, you don’t go around saying that to people!” Now, I’m not gonna kill myself. I don’t know what that dream meant, because you dream in metaphors, man. You know? I don’t know. It just freaks me out, though, you know? It disturbs my wife and shit. But there is one good thing about being a psycho. You know, a great thing about being a psycho is you can spot another psycho from a mile away. You know? That’s a really great thing. I can spot ’em. You know, it’s in the eyes. Never look at the costume. Nice people look at the costume. They’ll see somebody in, like, dad jeans, you know, pushing their kid on the swing, the whole nerdy sweater. “Hey! How are you doing? Can you believe the summer’s already over? I mean, this is crazy, right? Oh, this one here has got me running around, you know? She’s running the house! She’s running the house.” People are always like, “Oh, my God. He’s so nice. Such a great family man.” And I’m just sitting, thinking in my head, dude, that guy is a fucking psycho! He’s a psycho! Look at his eyes. You don’t see that? That dude is barely hanging on! He is white-knuckling it through all the shit he thinks he’s supposed to do. All that fucking guy needs, all he needs, he just needs a little nudge. That’s it, just a little nudge. You have no idea what that guy’s capable of. I would not want to see the hard drive of that man’s computer, I’m telling you. Yeah, so I do it all the time. I’m pretty good at picking out psychos, and it drives my wife nuts. I remember she was one of the first people that got into Kanye West, right? The great Kanye West. Everybody loves him and stuff, right? Oh, shut up. Jesus Christ. Why did I come to Nashville? “Boo! It’s a black artist! You’re bringing it up in the Ryman. What the fuck? It’s the Grand Ole Opry, man! It’s not MTV Raps!” But I’m stereotyping you. I’m acting like ’cause you’re from the South, you’re racists, like all the racists are just down here. That isn’t true. You know, they’re all over the place. It’s just different degrees. Right? Like, me, I’m racist, like, at the end of the day. Like, I’m a great fucking guy, I don’t give a shit who you are in the morning. You’re eating your cereal. “Hey! How are you? What’s going on?” But as the sun starts to go down and the fear starts coming up, that’s when you start thinking the worst of people, right? I know, nobody’s gonna be honest. I don’t give a fuck who you are. Twelve, midnight, in a parking garage by yourself, whatever is walking at you, there’s no happy thoughts. You’re not thinking, “Oh, that guy, he’s probably uh… he’s probably building a website and…” You’re not thinking that. That dude’s gonna cut me up, eat me. Whatever he doesn’t eat, he’s gonna fuck. That is what you think, right? All right? But if you do that at night, that’s normal, I think, because it’s fear. It’s the people at breakfast that are already just sitting there, like, “Fucking Jews!” You know, that’s when you’ve got an issue. So… So, anyway… I’ve just got to do this. When you talk about race and that shit as a white dude, you’ve got to go easy. You know, because very easily it starts feeling like a meeting. You know? Whenever I start hearing, like, “Yeah! All right! Whoo!” That’s when I go, “I’ve got to pull back. People aren’t seeing what I’m saying. I wore a country shirt. Things are getting a little off the rails here.” Can I get back to Kanye West? Half of you have probably downloaded his shit. All right? All right, here we go. So, my wife got freaked out because… Early on, she was loving the guy. And I was thinking he was cool. Then, one day, I saw him do an interview. He was talking shit about how great he was, and there was just this look that was in his eye, and it just made me nervous. I’m like, “Dude, this guy is uh… This guy is, like… This guy is volatile, man. There’s something with this guy. He’s making me nervous. This guy is, like, right on the edge of, like, snapping, right?” She goes, “You’re out of your mind.” I was thinking, “I don’t know. I think this guy is fucked up.” Then I was convinced, because one day I came walking in, she was listening to him do an interview, and I didn’t know it was him. He was talking about how great he was, and I came walking in, and all I did was hear this shit. And, like, literally, a chill ran down my spine, and I just started thinking, like, “No! No! No!” And I turned, and I looked. Before it even registered that it was Kanye, my first thought was, “Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. It’s just a black guy.” “Thank God! It’s just a black guy.” Yeah, I know, you’re right to pull back. It’s right to get awkward, you don’t know where this could go. This could very easily go in a Klan-ish direction, okay? So just let me clarify. Just hear me out. I’m thinking, “Thank God it’s a black guy,” meaning, “Thank God that ego that is in him…” When that thing floated down from the heavens, or the cosmos, whatever the hell Joel Osteen shit you believe… All right? When that thing was floating down, it could have landed in anybody. Thank God… it landed in a black guy. Thank God it got wrapped up in that, trapped within that. It’s safe in there. No reason to worry when it’s in there, because if that ego, however, had floated down… and landed in a blue-eyed white dude, there is no telling the damage that could have been done. You’re talking entire civilizations wiped out… worldwide famine, the moon colliding with the Earth. Thank God that ego landed in a black guy. Because he’s just as nuts as some of the craziest white dudes of all time, he just doesn’t have the opportunity to follow through with the madness. Right? Yeah, there’s a glass ceiling on evil. You never noticed that? Dude, go home, put on the History channel. Like, the top nine out of ten most batshit-crazy dudes who ever walked the earth are all white dudes. Now, why is that? Because white dudes are more evil than anybody else? It’s a possibility. It’s a possibility. We’ve definitely got the numbers. But I think it’s different. You know what it is? Nobody’s watching white dudes. Right? White dudes, too many of ’em gather and somebody pulls up, “All right, break it up! Keep it moving! Get out of here!” Getting pulled over for no fucking reason, none of that shit. You’re a white dude. It’s just an open field. Anything you think, “Hey, I’m gonna do that.” No one’s stopping you. You just… You just start running. Next thing you know, you’re handing out buttons, you’ve got your own uniform. You’re starting a fucking war, right? All Kanye West is allowed to do is fuck up an award show every three to four years. Make a public service announcement a little awkward for Mike Myers. That’s as far as he’s ever gonna get. I know, I know. You don’t believe me. Dude, okay, next time Kanye’s going off on himself, I’m telling you, just close your eyes, forget it’s him and really listen to what is coming out of this guy’s mouth. He says shit like, “I’m a genius.” “I’m a god. I’m Shakespeare.” “My biggest regret is I’ll never get to see myself perform live.” That’s a direct quote. “My biggest regret is I’ll never get to see myself perform live.” Dude, you put that ego in a white dude, then it’s… “and the blitzkrieg, and the superior race!” “Vienna will return to Deutschland first!” No, I’m telling you. But we’re okay. We’re okay. It’s in a black guy. Nothing’s gonna happen. You never noticed that shit? Crazy black guys, as far as they can get, they can just freak people out in the subway. They can stand on a street corner with their book and their friends, just yelling about white people. “These people got tails! The motherfuckers got tails! They’re evil!” You just cross the street. That’s it. In a perfect world, Hitler never would have made it past the subway level. That’s as far as he ever would have got. You would have been on the train. “What are you gonna do tonight?” “Play a little fantasy football.” The door would just open. He’d come walking through. “And they should have the blue eyes and the blonde hair, and the pubes like the sun!” And you’re just sitting there. “Just ignore him. Let him pass through. Let him pass through.” And he’d just walk into the other part of the train. Literally, a world war just passing through. But he was a white dude, no one watched him and his hair was flopping around, and nobody gave a fuck. All right? So that’s kind of like the weird lesson… that I learned with Kanye West. You know? Like, every once in a while, racism works. Like, 99.9 per cent of the time, it’s the ugliest thing we do to one another, but every once in a while we get lucky and that marble, it just rolls into the right hole and we get off easy. We got off easy with that guy. I’ve got to commend you guys. You did well with the Hitler reference. You did all right. Nothing quiets a room like dropping the H-bomb. You bring up Adolf Hitler, it gets fucking quiet, to this day. This dude, fucking, he died, like, what, 75 fucking years ago, allegedly. You know? Some think he went down to South America… “And why are they so brown?” for the rest of his life. At this point, even if he lived, he’s fucking dead, right? We can go with that, right? But still, to this day, though, even though he died let’s say 75-fucking-years ago, he’s still the benchmark for evil. Have you ever noticed that? He is the reference. Any time you want to say somebody’s evil, you just say, “He is the next Hitler.” “Donald Trump, he’s the next Hitler.” “Saddam Hussein, he’s the next Hitler.” It’s always, “He’s the next Hitler,” okay? I don’t know what the fuck they used to say before Hitler came around, right? “He’s the next Genghis Khan.” “He’s the next Napoleon.” I don’t know, Ivan the Terrible. I don’t know what they said. But whatever they used to say, he wiped them all out. He was so fucked up, it’s like what they did didn’t even exist any more. All right? It’s like when Michael Jordan came into the NBA. He was so fucking good… he wiped out everyone. No one ever goes, “He’s the next Dr. J.” “He’s the next Wilt.” No one says that. It’s always, “He’s the next Mike.” Right? Adolf Hitler is the Michael Jordan of evil. He is. Like, Nike literally should have made him a sneaker, like a giant fucking boot. You know, it’s all stiff around your knees so you get that walk going down. Right? Like, if there was an evil hall of fame, you’ve got to put Hitler in. He’s first-ballot hall-of-fame evil. Okay? Undeniable stats. He’s got the career numbers. You know? Six to nine million dingers, you’re getting in. You’re getting in. People, its a sports analogy. I’m not advocating what the man did. Can we all be adults here? All right? Am I gonna be on a split screen tomorrow morning with some blogger? On some Good Morning, Nashville show. “Comedy: Can it go too far? Last night at the Ryman Theater…” “making fun of fat people, sinking cruise ships was all fine. Suddenly, it took a horrible, horrible turn. Fortunately, local blogger Maggie Maggenhall was on the scene. Maggie, can you describe what you were subjected to… during last night’s horrible rant?” “Well, first of all, everybody that knows me knows I have a great sense of humor. I think this is funny, I think that is funny, but that, last night, that was not funny.” It always goes down like that. They always have to establish what a wonderful sense of humor they have. No, it’s a sports analogy. Okay? Six to nine million. He got all of that one! He had power from both sides of the plate. He’d have his own fucking wing. Okay? But this is what kills me about Hitler. Killed six to nine million people. Meanwhile, Stalin killed 20 to 25 million, basically over the exact same period, okay? Yet, he cannot get arrested in the conversation of most fucked-up dude who ever walked the planet. It’s always, “He’s the next Hitler. He’s the next Hitler.” Well, how many fucking people do you have to kill just to get a little shout-out, a little tip of the cap? “What do you think of this guy?” “He’s the next Hitler.” How about, every once in a while, “This guy’s a little Stalin-esque”? “I see a little Jo-Jo in this guy.” Right? He almost tripled his fucking numbers. He gets brought up like he was a backup! Why don’t his kills count? Does anybody… Anybody, why doesn’t his fucking kills count? I don’t get it. Is it because he just looked like some regular guy, your neighbor? You know, driving a little John Deere. “I just killed a million Ukrainians.” He just drives around his yard. Is that what it is? I think it is. Hitler just… I don’t know, he just looked the part. He’s like… From central casting, you couldn’t pick a more evil-looking dude. Like, go home tonight, google pictures of Adolf Hitler. Get put on the same watch list that I’m on, all right? I’m telling you, there’s not one cute picture of that guy his whole life. It’s just all pure evil. There’s no, like, teenage boy-band years, like… You google a picture of Adolf as a baby. You look at that thing, you’re like, “Dude, drown that fucking thing! Drown it! Take it down to the river, stick it under a rock. If you don’t do it, I’m gonna fucking do it. I swear to God, it’s looking at me. I would kick it right in its baby chest… and feel no guilt whatsoever.” Dude, Hitler is actually so evil, he actually makes me want to learn how to speak German. You know what I mean? I just want to know, what the fuck was he saying to those people? Every speech. He’s so clearly out of his fucking mind. It’s got to be what he’s saying. What the fuck did he say? There’s no way he said what he planned on doing from the get-go. Some unknown candidate, right, early on… “Okay, our next speaker coming to the stage…” “to possibly run Deutschland for the foreseeable future. His name is um… Oh, dear. I left my glasses backstage. Is that Alan? Is it Alan? Oh, Adolf. Adolf, okay. Oh, okay, okay. Whoa. This guy’s got a bee in his bonnet. Okay, please welcome Adolf Hitler. You got three minutes, buddy.” “And I’m going to kill millions of people! I know what they should look like… The eyeballs a centimeter apart! I have the outfits for the rest of the people!” Dude, you can’t come out of the gates… talking to a crowd like that. You’re gonna freak ’em out. You can’t go that hard in the beginning. You know? You can do that in the woods with a couple of drinking buddies. Freaking people out. “Hey, Matt, relax. There’s girls here. Jesus Christ.” “I think I’ve got a shot here. I’m trying to get laid. Can you just be a wingman? For once in your life, dude, can you just be a… Just bring the energy down. Nobody gives a fuck about your fucking theories, okay? Just be a chill guy. You’ve got shit on your mouth. Either grow a moustache or don’t. You look ridiculous. I’m sorry, ladies. He gets a little excited.” What I think he was doing, I think he was just being a crowd-pleasing hack, if I had to guess. He was telling Germans what they wanted to hear. “And we have the best cars, we have the best women. Oktoberfest is the shit!” He’s just shooting free T-shirts up. Fucking armbands. Right? I don’t know. It’s something that’s always bothered me. Not always, just recently. If this guy kills six to fucking nine, everybody’s… we definitely don’t want another one of those. Well, what about this guy? Twenty to fucking 25. You know? What it is, there’s probably a couple of egghead history majors going, “Well, Bill, if we’re gonna go around the world, you know, what about that dude Mao from China? He allegedly killed 50-60 million people. What about that guy? How come you don’t bring him up?” Simple. I don’t count those kills. I don’t. I don’t count ’em. Dude, there’s, like, a billion people in China. You wipeout on a scooter, you’re gonna kill 80 not even trying. Fifty to 60 million, that’s like steroid-era stats. Like, get the fuck out of here. What are you on? Come on. Am I supposed to believe that number? That’s like when a second baseman had, like, 50 jacks. Dude, you had 20 in high school. Get the fuck out of here, 50 homeruns! I don’t get it. I just don’t get why… What I feel, whenever I do this bit, I always feel the crowd, you guys just don’t like a sports analogy. You know? Let’s go music, all right? It’s Nashville. We’ll look at it in a musical way. All right? Okay. Hitler drops an album. He sells six to nine million copies. All right? He’s got a couple of summertime jams, maybe a prom song. He just catches a moment. He has his own dance, like “Gangnam Style,” except it’s got a little more with the hands. Right? It’s more of an upper-body song. Then, later on that summer, Stalin drops his new shit. He sells 20-25 million copies. Twenty to 25 million copies is Michael Jackson Thriller, okay? One of the greatest artists, one of the greatest albums of all time. Six to nine million in sales, that’s like Hootie & The Blowfish Cracked Rear View Mirror. Now, if you guys were at home in your apartment or your fucking barn, whatever it is you do down here… sitting there with your lantern… and you’re sound asleep… next to your favorite bale of hay. You’re sound asleep… and someone runs in at three in the morning. “Dude, run down to the bar! It’s the next Michael Jackson, I swear to God!” You would consider it. “Michael Jackson, I’ve got to fucking see that.” But if somebody woke you up, like, “Dude, you’ve got to see this guy! He’s the next Hootie & The Blowfish!” Right? You’d smash him over the head with your fucking lantern, or whatever you’ve got. Why don’t his fucking kills count? Dude, Stalin, he even killed his own friends. Hitler didn’t even do that. You go duck hunting with Stalin. You thought you were in with him. He’s taking pictures with you and shit. It’s all fucking good, right? Then, a week later, you parted your hair a little bit different, he got paranoid, and that was it, he whacked you. That’s it. Not only that, he then had you erased out of the photo. You know? Next thing you know, Stalin’s hugging a tree or some shit like that. This guy was photoshopping people out of photos… like, 60 years before the technology existed. He changed the fucking game! Yeah. So, I watch a lot of the YouTube videos, right? So, the other night, my wife, lovely wife, she’s falling asleep. I can’t because I’m all scatterbrained, so I just start watching YouTube clips. Okay? And I ended up seeing this clip of this lady down at the zoo. All right? This lady down at the zoo, who I’m sure wasn’t making as much money as the guy who worked at the zoo, and that’s what needs to stop. Ladies, did you ever think of opening your own zoo? You know? Is there a reason you wait until we build the whole fucking thing, and then you show up when all the hard work is done? All the animals are captured. “Hey, where’s my fucking corner office?!” Yeah. Start your own fucking zoo! Go out and catch a cobra, see how that is. That’s not the point of this story. I just like… I just like being a dick sometimes. So, this lady down at the zoo. This lady down at the zoo, she taught this gorilla how to do sign language. Okay? And I don’t just mean like “hello” and “goodbye.” Like, literally phrases. This thing could, like, talk about its emotions. They were actually conversing. The gorilla is talking to her. “Oh, my God. You look upset.” “Oh, I’m kind of sad.” And they’re just talking. So immediately, like, my brain just went fucking crazy. I was like, “Oh, my God. She’s talking to a gorilla. I love gorillas. Who wouldn’t talk to a gorilla?” Without thinking that my wife is sleeping, I just blurted out, “Ask it how much it can bench! Ask it how much it can bench!” My wife pops up. “What are you doing?” I’m like, “Look at this! Look! She’s talking to a gorilla!” And we both just got sucked into this thing. Right? So, long story short, she’s talking to this gorilla, and one day she decides to get it a little kitten. A little kitty cat, right? Immediately I’m thinking, like, “Don’t get it a cat! It’s a gorilla.” It’s gonna twist the thing’s head off, throw the body over there, play with the head for a while. Sniffing it and stuff. And then, later, it’s gonna walk over and set the head down next to the body and wonder why the whole thing’s not getting up again. Because it’s a fucking gorilla. It’s a wild animal. Wild animals don’t have pets, right? It’s kill or be killed out there. That’s it. They don’t have little parakeets on their shoulders and shit. But it was the exact opposite. She gives it this little kitten, and it immediately understood it was a baby, and this, like, parental thing came over. It was so, like, gentle and filled with joy. It was, like, beautiful, right? And then they understood that it loved this kitten, and they started using it as, like, a teaching tool, right? So every night they take the cat back, all right, and the next day they come in. If the gorilla learned its phrases, it got to play with the kitten. They use it as a motivational tool. So the gorilla’s vocabulary started going through the roof. All right? So, to cut to the chase, one night they take the cat home. Somehow, the little kitten gets out. It got hit by car and it died. Yeah, that cat you never met died. I’m sorry for your loss. I know you knew it, all of it, for fucking 20 seconds. You know? I don’t know if it was dead instantly, like if it drove right over its head and that was it. Or maybe it just hit the back legs and it tried to crawl away, but it was… it was, like, stuck to the road, and it was… it was meowing out and it could see its breath. And right before it lost consciousness, the rats came in, and it was… it was just screaming, and in such… Cute little paws, it was like little socks, trying to get up. I don’t know what happened. But you seemed so fucking concerned about this kitten… I figured I’d throw out a couple of theories. More concerned about the kitten than the Hitler shit, by the way. More of a reaction. More of a reaction. That’s fine. Every crowd’s a little bit different. That’s not the point of the story. Okay? The point of the story… was now this lady had to go down to the zoo, she had to tell the gorilla that the kitten was dead, right? So she comes back down to the zoo, and the gorilla’s all amped up. This is its favorite part of the day. Its mind is engaged and it sees its little friend. And at this point, its vocabulary is, like, crazy now. The lady shows up. The gorilla’s all amped up. It looks at her like, “Oh, shit! What’s up? Yeah!” Right? Now, I can’t do sign language, so you have to bear with me through the rest of this bit. I’m gonna do the best I can, all right? So the thing’s like, “What’s up? Yeah!” All right? But the zookeeper lady, she has, like, you know, just sitting there all sad, you know, trying to think how she’s gonna tell it, and the gorilla picked up on the vibe. She’s kind of like… “Hello.” All of a sudden, the gorilla’s energy comes down. She starts looking at the lady, like… “What’s uh… What’s wrong with you?” “Is there something that I need to know? Huh?” So the lady’s sitting there, she’s like, “Uh… Oh, Jesus. Uh…” “Well… Well, the… the kitty cat… it got hit by a car… and it’s fucking dead.” And the gorilla immediately took it in. It immediately took it in. It understood. Like, its bottom lip started quivering, its eyes started watering up, it was signing “crying.” And later on that night, you could hear it crying inside of its house. They built it a house. I don’t know why. They live in trees. It was probably the guilt of putting the thing in fucking jail, right? Whatever. It was a two-bedroom. It sounded like it was in the kitchen. And you just hear this thing… in this house at night, just going… And that was the end of the video. That was the end of the video. And, like you, I was sitting there, like, “What the fuck?” “You’re gonna end on that?” And then, literally, right in that moment, I felt my wife’s head just rest on my shoulder, and she was like, “That was so sad. I mean, it was beautiful, but it was sad.” And I was just like, “Get off me.” “Just… Just get off me.” And I closed the laptop, set it down on the nightstand, and I just got up, and I started pacing. As this fucking rage was coming up in me, my wife’s, like, freaking out. She’s like, “What’s wrong? What is wrong with you?” I’m like, “What do you mean, ‘What’s wrong?’ That video is fucked up!” What is the purpose of that? You teach a gorilla how to talk, you’re shootin’ the shit, you get it a pet kitten and then it dies. And then the gorilla cries, and it’s fucking sad, and then that’s it? That’s what you’re leaving me with? I’ve got to have that in my fucking head? How is that the end of the video? Somebody, for fuck’s sake, tell me. Dude, that gorilla understood the concept of death. If it understands the concept of death, it understands its own captivity. Okay? So it never dawned on that lady, that whole time she’s shootin’ the shit with him, it never dawned on her to sign to the thing, like, “Hey.” Like, “Do you want to get the fuck out of here?” “Do you hate it in here? Do you want to fucking kill us… for sticking you in here, away from your friends in the jungle?” And the thing would be like, “Yeah!” “Yeah, please get me out. I beg of you! It fucking sucks in here!” Right? And then you could have brainstormed, right? Like, “Okay, I’m gonna get you out of here.” The only bad part would be you’d have to deal with the gorilla and its crazy fucking gorilla idea. You know, like brainstorming its escape plan. The gorilla would be like, “Okay, we’ll get a bunch of bananas. We’ll throw ’em and distract ’em, and then we’ll climb out just using our arms.” You literally just have to sit there, going, like, “Okay. Okay. Uh… Not… Not trying to be a dick, but… I have a better idea. No, no, no. No disrespect to you. Okay?” “But I’m gonna go to Big & Tall. I’m gonna get a jacket, a hat, and some fucked-up-looking shoes. Okay? And what I need from you… What I need from you, okay… What I need from you is you’ve got to lay off this shit. All right? No more of this. Okay? No, no disrespect. Okay? I need you… I need you to man up, all right? Stand up straight. Arm down. Stand up straight. Here’s the difficult part, right here, okay? Left hand, right foot; right hand, left foot. You got it? Bam. Bam. All right? You get that shit down, I’ll get you out of here in ten days. Cool? It’s gonna be okay. Deal. Fuck! All right.” “See you in ten days, right?” So, like, the first day, the gorilla’s sitting there, going, “Okay. Okay.” “No. No, no, no. No. No.” “Okay. Okay.” “Yes!” “Fuck!” So that’s the first day. That’s day one, but the gorilla keeps working at it, right? Like, day two – day two it’s kind of getting… Day three, day five, day seven, day nine, day ten. “I’m doing it! I’m fucking doing it!” Then she could have came back and broke that gorilla out of jail, right? Show up at night. “You’re doing it!” Put on the jacket, hat. “Come on!” You take him down to the car, the only way to get him back. You’ve got to take it by car down to the harbor. That’s the only way to get it back to the jungle. You can’t go to the airport. You can’t go to the airport, going through that fucking security. Right? Once he takes his shoes off and that thumb comes sticking out, it’s fucking over! It’s over. You keep it below deck. You keep the fucking thing below deck until you get out to international waters. Then you’re fine. It’s captain’s law. “Come aboard,” right? And have the thing sit down. Other boats going by are looking at you, like, “Is that a gorilla?” “Yeah. What have you got, blood diamonds? Go fuck yourself!” “Fucking sex slaves? Get out of here! I’ll have him come aboard and rip that mask right off!” And you’re just hanging with the gorilla. You get to have that experience of seeing the thing free for the first time. As it comes over the horizon, it finally sees the jungle. It’s getting all excited. It jumps off the boat, it’s rolling in the sand. “Buddy, we did it! Don’t fuck up the coat, I’ve got to bring it back. We did it! All right, I love you. I’ll miss you. Get out of here before they see you.” The thing runs right to the edge of the jungle and it just… disappears. “It did it. I knew it. He wanted to go see his friends, man. He wanted to be free. It’s gonna be fucking great. He’s gonna go meet his buddies, he’s gonna talk to his friends now, like he should be, right? He’s, uh… He’s gonna go talk to his friends.” “He’ll… probably teach them how to talk.” “Then, of course… they’ll probably get horses. Did I just start Planet of the fucking Apes? He’s gonna teach his friends how to talk and get horses? Dude, I gotta kill this fucking thing! I gotta kill it. I fucked up. I gotta kill it. Sorry. Where’s my Glock? Where the fuck is my Glock?! Where is it? It was right here! It was right here! Fuck!” Got a little six shooter. “Fuck it, I’ll take this.” You run into the jungle, but it’s a gorilla, so it’s long gone. But you can’t give up, man. All of society’s gonna go down on you. You’ve got to kill this thing. So you’re just trudging through the jungle for months. You get six, seven months in, you’ve got, like, malaria, you’re about ready to give up. And out of nowhere, your buddy just jumps down, just like… “Oh, shit! What the fuck are you doing here?” Then you just pull out your six shooter. “I’m sorry, buddy. I gotta do it.” The gorilla would be like, “But… I… I thought we were friends. Why?” “Well, you know, ’cause… ’cause Jesus wanted it that way, you know?” “There’s this whole book. He made us in his image. We’re just, you know… We’re better than you, you know? Sorry, I can’t have you talking to other chimps and then you tear down the Statue of Liberty.” “Everyone’s gonna think I’m an asshole. Look, I’ll make it quick.” And right as you go to pull the trigger, the gorilla pulls out that Glock you couldn’t find. “I just… I just want to know one thing. How did you know?” “You knew before I knew.” I don’t have an ending for this. I don’t. And in a weird way, now you know how I felt.. When I watched that video. You know what it was? You know what it was? I did that joke all around the country, all right, and the gorilla always died, ’cause Jesus wanted it that way… and that was it. And it fucking bombed in every goddamn city in this country except for Dallas, Texas. That was the only place where they got it. And I’m not shitting on Texas. It bombed in Houston, Austin, El Paso, San Antonio. Killed in Dallas. They are the only ones who got it. They were like, “Hey, man, you did what you had to do. You did what you had to do, man.” “I mean, I loved that gorilla, too, but goddamnit, you cannot have two species working together. I tell you right now, you get a couple of gorillas on a bareback horse with a single bolt action rifle, that is the end of society as we know it.” “You should get a hypothetical medal… for killing that gorilla, hypothetically.” So… All right. I’m gonna end with a quick little story here, okay? They’re always talking about how to make a woman happy, but they don’t do it enough to help you guys out how to make a man happy. The great thing about men is we’re fucking simple. We’re fucking simple, okay? So here’s the thing. You want to make a guy happy? If you’re with a good guy, okay, this is all you’ve got to do, okay? How about four times a year, once a season… you go out to the kitchen. Without him saying shit, you make a sandwich, you get him a beer, you walk out, you give it to him, you don’t say a word, and you just fucking leave. That’s all you’ve got to do. Every three months, you do that, you’ll keep him happy. That’s all it takes. I know right out of the gate this is coming off sexist, because I’m saying, “Go out in the kitchen. Make your man a sandwich.” I’m not saying women belong in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, rubbing my balls. I’m not saying that. Okay? I’m just saying, women, go in the kitchen. Just go in the kitchen four times in a year, make a sandwich. A toddler could do that. Just put it together. Grab two slices of pre-made, pre-sliced bread, two handfuls of pre-murdered meat. Put a little mustard on it. Grab a beer, walk out, just hand it to him, don’t say shit, and then fucking leave. When I say leave, I mean leave. I don’t mean walk into another room for, like, ten minutes and then stick your head back and be like, “Did you like it? Was it good? Great, because downstairs we need to… Don’t yell at me! I just made you a sandwich!” I don’t mean that. I mean leave. Get in the car and fucking get out of here. Take the kids, drive down the street. Go see Lord Of The Rings a couple of times, and leave your man in the stunned silence of what you just did. If you ever want to see your guy get emotional, to see a man get emotional, you make him a fucking sandwich that he didn’t ask for. I’m telling you, he’s gonna have to dry the tears with the bread. He’s gonna be so shocked, like… “You made this for me? And I didn’t even ask. Oh, my God! I think she still gives a fuck!” Yeah. Quick story. Me and my wife bought a house in 2011. And by “me and my wife” I mean I paid for it. Right? She hates that joke, but I don’t give a shit. It’s true. And she’s always breaking my balls. “Don’t put your shoes over here. They belong over there.” “Yeah? Well, I bought over there, and I bought over here, so I’ll put my fucking shoes wherever I want to. Oh, shirt’s coming off! Where’s it going?” Right? So we get into the house. She’s scoping it out, because she’s smart. She’s finding the rooms that get sun, checking closet space. Me, like an idiot, I want to check out the garage. For whatever reason, I’m drawn to this. And I go down, I open the door, and the last people hadn’t cleaned it out. There was a busted refrigerator, an old file cabinet, an ab-roller, something from a luau. There were like seven failed businesses in this goddamn thing, and I gotta start lugging this shit out in, like, 90-degree weather, as a redhead, hating my life, right? I got three hours into this job, my forearms were cut, I had dirt, sweat, cobwebs all over me. I wanted to burn down this fucking house. I was ready to leave. But out of nowhere, my wife showed up, big smile on her face, and she had made me a sandwich. Cut it in half diagonally, which is love, right? If they don’t cut it in half, they might as well frisbee it. “Here you go, you fucking piece of shit. Hose yourself off! You should live out here! You should live out here!” Right? Cut it in half diagonally, poured Fritos in the middle, and gave me an ice-cold beer. She did that five years ago. Do you know, to this day, every once in a while, I still think about that sandwich. It’s unbelievable. It just pops in my head like this fond memory. I’ll just be by myself, talking in the car. “Remember that time she made me a sandwich? It was unbelievable! She cut it in half, Fritos, an ice-cold beer. I felt like a king!” That’s all it takes. You know what it felt like at that moment? You remember that movie Shawshank Redemption? You know that scene where the prisoners are drinking the beer on the rooftop with the sun in their face? That’s what it felt like. The only thing missing was Morgan Freeman’s voice narrating over the top, “And for 20 minutes, Bill Burr felt like a free man.” All right, I’m out of time. You guys were so awesome. Thank you so, so much for coming out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really had a great time. Thank you so much.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Eddie Griffin: You Can Tell ‘Em I Said It! (2011) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-griffin-can-tell-em-i-said-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, The one and only, The emperor of comedy… Sir Eddie Griffin I want to fuck Michelle Obama. I need her on my team. I’m waiting on Obama to fuck up. That n i g g a slip up, I’ma slide right in. What’s happening, Michelle? You like comedy? That’s some fine chocolate motherfucker. You understand me? I didn’t vote for Obama because of him, I voted because of her. This is the first first lady that is fuckable. ‘Cause you didn’t want to fuck daddy Bush’s wife. She look like she jumped off the dollar bill. Look at that! That’s George Washington! And you didn’t want to fuck George Jr. ‘s wife. She look like the mama on Damien: Omen. Every time I see her face, all I hear is… Look like the bitch head about to spin around at any moment. And I don’t think you wanted to fuck Hillary either. I don’t think Hillary like dick. She wear more pantsuits than a brother at a funeral. Now here’s how I know Obama got some pimp in him. All right? Remember when Hillary was running against him? She talking all that shit about Obama. Obama got the job. He gave her a job. That’s pimpin’. And what was the job he gave her? Secretary of state. And what was the secretary of state’s job? Stay out of the country. He banished that bitch to foreign lands. And the happiest motherfucker about it is Bill Clinton. You know Bill at home, “Thank you, Obama. I can get my dick sucked every day. ” Now I knew Obama… I knew he had some n i g g a in him…. You know, ’cause at first, you couldn’t tell. But one day, it jumped out of him. Y’all remember that day him and George Bush was walking outside the White House …and his swag was on 250? I’m sitting at home. I said, “that brother’s a pimp. ” You could damn near hear the conversation. “Hurry up and get your shit out my house. “Take your punk ass back to Texas. You bitch!” ‘Cause at first, I thought Obama was an African-American. And white people, I know y’all think all black people the same. We just like you white folks. You got different kind of white folks. You got honkies, you got crackers, you got rednecks, you got white guys. Black people the same way. You got black folks. “Just don’t want to be bothered. ” You got old negroes. “I sure wish slavery’d come back. Massa was so good to us. ” And you got African-Americans. “I graduated from college Cum da-lada. ” And then you have n i g g a s. Which I happen to be a member of. BULLSHIT! Translation: N I G G E R! “Pull over… ” N I G G E R! And Obama, here’s how I really knew he had hood in him. He threw a barbecue… at the White House… He invited the NBA, the NFL, every rapper. I think I was the only n i g g a that wasn’t there. You know white people was sitting at home, “My god! It’s all over! The n i g g e r s are barbecuing! They’re licking their fingers! They got collard greens and black-eyed peas. ” Here’s how I really knew he was from the hood. He put a swing set… I don’t think y’all heard me. He put a swing set on the white house lawn. That’s some n i g g a shit! He got enough money and power to send his daughters to Disneyland every day. He said, “Fuck that. Put that swing set outside that window so I can keep my eye on they little ass.” ‘Cause black people, we watch our kids. I’m talking to you, white folks. I’m tired of seeing y’all kids on my milk carton. You know, you just trying to pour some milk on your cereal And there’s always that little white face with he caption underneath it. “Have you seen me?” No, I ain’t seen your little ass! And how come your parents don’t know where the hell you at? You ain’t never seen little brothers and sisters on a milk carton, ’cause if you did, they’d be posing. ‘Cause I remember when we was coming up- And black people, back me up on this. When we was coming up, remember your parents tell you, “You can play to the end of this block. ” Remember? That’s as far as your ass go. Ain’t no going out to the woods. And I remember my mama told me, “If you go any further, I’ma fuck you up. ” I remember one day, me and my partner Don Junior, we kicking it, right? We get up to the corner. Boom, boom. They like, “Ed, come on. Let’s go on the next block. Let’s see what’s over there. ” Boy, I was nervous. That’s when you look down to see if your mama on the front porch. My mama looking me dead in the eye. I couldn’t hear her, but her mouth said… My uncle Bucky had his pistol. He’s like, “I can shoot your ass from here. ” I’m like “Uh, you know, uh”-… They like, “You ain’t going, Ed?” I’m like, “Nah, man. You know, I caught a Charlie horse.” You know, ’cause I ain’t trying to look like no punk, man. “I got a horse, you know?” They like, “Aww, you a bitch-ass n i g g a. ” I said, “I’ll be the bitch today. I’d rather fight both of y’all than take one ass-whooping from her. See ya!” My mama beat me out of the penitentiary. As y’all can see, I’s free And obviously, y’all parents whooped y’all out the penitentiary, ’cause y’all here. We’s free! Them two brothers I’m talking about locked up right now. ‘Cause pain give you a memory of what not to do. You understand me, your partner be like “Come on, Ed, let’s rob this liquor store. ” “I ain’t going. I’m cool right here.” Now they got this brother, Eddie Long. Oh, don’t “ooh” me. I didn’t make the shit up. Y’all seen the story. And, you know, at first, I had to give the brother the benefit of the doubt. You know what I mean? I’m like, “No. Black preachers don’t fuck little boys. ” That’s the difference between a white church and a black church. White churches fuck your son. Black church fuck your wife. God gave that motherfucking preacher the right last name. LONG. And he tried to defend himself. He spoke for about 35 minutes. Not once did he say, “I didn’t do it.” All he said is, “I got five rocks and I ain’t thrown one yet. ” I said, “that’s the gayest shit I ever heard in my life. ” He didn’t say, “I got five bullets. I’m about to bust a cap. ” That guy: “I got five rocks, and I ain’t thrown one yet. ” And did you see how he threw the mic down? I don’t go to church. God don’t live in church. They say the body is the temple. I’m walking to church right now. Soon as you go to church, there’s somebody trying to stick a dick in you, and they need some money. Every war in humanity’s history has been over some kind of motherfucking religion. You know what I mean? I don’t get caught up in that bullshit ’cause I don’t think God ever wrote a Bible or a Qur’an. He didn’t have to write no shit. He ain’t no playwright. It’s written in your essence, ’cause the Bible was written by men. The book of Peter. The book of John. The whole book about Jesus, but that n i g g a ain’t wrote one book. The motherfucker that it’s about didn’t write shit. All the hang-outs wrote a book. “Shit, I know the n i g g a, n i g g a.” And you notice in each one of ’em book, they the closest one to Jesus. Peter like, “Me and Jesus was tight.” In John’s book, “Shit, I was damn near the n i g g a’s daddy. You know.” God didn’t write no book. It’s written in your essence. Nobody ever had to tell you it’s wrong to kill your mama. Somehow you born innately knowing that. Which means you born knowing right and wrong, so put the book down, ’cause it will fuck you up. It starts out messed up in the beginning. In the book of Genesis, “In the beginning, there was Adam and Eve, and Adam and Eve had two sons, Cain and Abel. And Cain and Abel got married. ” To who?! Where did these mystery bitches come from?! I like messing with Christians, man. ‘Cause they easy to get… I don’t believe Jesus died on the cross. Sacrilege! Wait a minute, he could walk on water, feed 1,000 with a loaf of bread… raised the dead… But you telling me he couldn’t handle three nails? I know brothers with nine bullet wounds still walking around. His name is 50 CENT! I bet you Jesus was a cool kid…. His mama be like, “Now, Jesus, go on in there and take a bath and don’t be walkin’ on your water. ” He in there… That’s probably why they invented the shower, just to get the n i g g a wet. Look at some of the Christian heads in here. “You going to Hell. “Don’t be talking ’bout Jesus, Eddie. Don’t be talking ’bout him. ” You know how Jesus whistle? You know, with the hole in the hand. Look, y’all really like, “N i g g a, that’s it. The lightning’s coming. ” Christians always the first one to want to send somebody to Hell. “You going to Hell. ” How the fuck you know? Like God came down. “Uh, let that n i g g a know he going to Hell. I’m kind of busy right now. ” You know what I mean? I’m made in my heavenly Father’s image. If I got a sense of humor, that mean God got one. God probably up there cracking up right now. “Hey, Jesus, come here! That crazy n i g g a I made is on! “He talking about you, boy. He said you walk on your bathwater. “He said you whistle like this…. ” “Ah, don’t get mad. That shit was funny. It was funny. “ See, I’d be a Muslim, but the Muslim faith, they too strict. You know what I mean? You can’t smoke no weed. You can’t get your dick sucked by a bitch that ain’t your wife. Matter of fact, you can’t see your wife’s face until you marry her. They keep ’em veiled up. All you get to see is the eyes. You really got to love that bitch’s eyes. You be like, “Damn. She got some pretty eyes. ” Then you marry her ass, the veil come off. No wonder they get 20 wives. You playing the law of averages. I’m telling you, I think Christians are jealous of Muslims, ’cause you ain’t gonna out-devout a Muslim. That’s the most devout faith you’ll ever run into. A Muslim will strap a bomb on they self and blow they self up about some Muhammad. Ask a Christian to put a bomb on and blow they self up about Jesus. “Naw, He wouldn’t want me to do that. ” “He just blessed me with this house. I’m sure He wants me to live in it. ” Everybody fighting over this religion shit. You understand me? The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. The Muslims say it’s Muhammad. I say, “Who gives a fuck who the messenger is? Did you get the message?” They got the same damn message. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Science proves that to be a fact. For every action, there’s an opposite and equal reaction. Don’t fuck with me, and I won’t fuck with you. I’ll tell you somebody who needs Jesus right around now. Tiger Woods. What I like about tiger, he kept it golf. He had 18 hos. One for every hole of golf. Now, here’s where Tiger messed up. Now, fellas, I want y’all to look at the woman sitting next to you that you brought here. Look at her right now! Now, you see how fine she is? Don’t ever fuck nothing uglier than her. You don’t fuck down. You fuck up. You fuck a woman uglier than your woman, she gonna be madder than a motherfucker. “N i g g a, I know I look better than that bitch! N i g g a, what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?” That’s when they go crazy. “What the fuck is wrong with me? I look better than that bitch! What’s wrong with me?” You fuck a bitch that’s finer than your woman, she gonna act like she mad, but she can’t get mad. She gonna look at him like, “Shit, I didn’t know that n i g g a could catch that. I’ma have to step my game up. ” Rich black man and white woman don’t go together. Ask O. J., Kobe, Tiger woods. It ain’t no good. ‘Cause white women will set your ass up. See, everybody think a sister is the strongest motherfucking woman on earth. To an extent, that is true, but at least a sister will let you know up front. “N i g g a, I will fuck you up. ” You know what you dealing with. White women… sneaky. “Really?” “Is like that, Tom?” She get on the phone. “Hello? Officer?” “He raped me… ” White women play victim quick than a motherfucker. But that white man gotta learn from you white women. See, when that white man get mad, he get mad. You know, brothers, we get mad, we march “We shall overcome…” You know, we get a good March in, Misspell signs, we gone. That white man get mad, he snap. You know, white women like, “I’m taking the kids. I’m taking the house. We’re gone. We’re out of here, you asshole. ” That white man be like this. “I came from a long line of brookshires. You’re not gonna take my seed from me, Guinevere. ” Now, here’s the one sentence that white man got for they ass. “Over my dead body. ” And that motherfucker mean that shit. “Over my dead body”. I’ll kill you. Then I’ll kill the kids. I’ll burn the fucking house to the ground, then I’ll do myself. ” Brother can’t even try that shit. Sister be like, “N i g g a, I’m leaving you. ” “I’ma kill you”. “You killing who? Let the killing begin, motherfucker! N i g g a be like, “I’m just playing, girl. I’m just playing. You know I’m joking with you, girl. You know I’m joking with you. We don’t even get to the part of burning the house down and the kids. They always try to make it like everybody’s after the white woman. You look at the movies. King Kong after the bitch. You all know damn well this is a n i g g a story… The big old gorilla… He had all them fine African sisters and one white woman and lose his mind. That’s why they call it “Jungle fever”. That motherfucker Kong got that white bitch. N i g g a, he picked her up. Just blowing on the ho. “I got my white bitch! I got my white bitch!” They took his white bitch. That motherfucker swam to New York. They took the bitch up on a building. “Where’s my white bitch? I need my white bitch!” They got some new kind of white women now. You know, I’m in my 40s. You know, I remember when all white women had straight backs. You know what I mean? No ass. Just a long back. You know, you could lay ’em down, get a good crease in your pants. Now they got some ass on ’em. I don’t know what you white women are eating, but keep it up. ‘Cause they’d be walking down the street. ¶ ga-gonk ga-gonk ¶ “You got competition, Laqueisha. ” ‘Cause, you know, every city I go to on tour, there’s always the brother with the white woman. Now, brothers, let me ask y’all something, ’cause I see a couple of y’all here with your white women. Why, when y’all get a white woman, y’all get the ugliest white bitch in town? And be walking proud with ’em. “Yeah, this is mine. ” Holding hands and shit. You know what I mean? Brothers don’t even hold hands with they own sister. You know what I mean? You watch a brother walking down a street. Sister be behind ’em. “I’m with you. ” “Come on. Keep up. ” N i g g a get a white woman, act like he hit the jackpot. “Yes, I got her. ” But when you see a white man with a sister… Oh, they get the baddest sister they got in town. Oh, white boys don’t fuck around. When they get a sister, they get a sistah. And they be walking, holding hands. “Goddamn right I got her. ” “I’m gonna teach her how to Riverdance. ” Nothing against you white people. Y’all just different. You know how them motherfuckers say they don’t like black people, right? And the ones that I’m talking about, I’m talking about you. Not all white people. There’s some cool motherfuckers. You’re here. Obviously, motherfucker, you’re here. But you know the ones I’m talking about, them motherfucking racist sons of bitches. “I don’t like black people. ” Well, why you lay out in the sun and try to become black? You don’t see black people laying out in the moonlight trying to lighten up. Like, “brother, what you doing?” “N i g g a, I’m trying to get that prince tone. Morris day up in this bitch. ” Be happy to be white, white folks. Y’all ain’t even white, Really. Y’all colored. Y’all should all join the NAACP [National Association For Advancement of Colored People] You understand me? ‘Cause y’all colored people. Only white people can Turn red when they mad. Look at ’em. They blush. They’re a little pink. When you hit ’em, They blue and purple. [laughter and applause] Y’all colored people Like a motherfucker. Y’all the whole box Of goddamn crayons. I might be blushing Right now. You can’t tell. No shit. They trying to tell our Mexican Brothers and sisters That they need to stay away From the border. Mm-hmm. I don’t understand that… When California is mexico. [cheers and applause] Listen to the name of it. [in Mexican accent] California. San Diego, San Francisco, San Jose. If it start with “San,” It’s Mexican. [laughter and applause] Always talking about, “my country.” White people, This ain’t y’all country. Y’all annexed it. You stoled it from The Indians. I know you said You discovered it. You know how they use them Slick-ass words. “we discovered it!” How you discover some shit A motherfucker Already live at? [laughter and applause] Using that analogy, When I get offstage, I’ma discover somebody car. Police like, “did you steal it?” “no, I discovered it. I gave the indigenous driver A reservation in the trunk.” My man, LeBron James. You know, the brother went To Miami. You know, which he has all right to do. You know? It’s called “free agency.” The first word is “free.” Them white people In Cleveland got all mad, Burned the n i g g a jersey, Doing little statues of him, Setting on fire. I’m like, “he play basketball!” This ain’t a politician That could change your life. He dribbled. He dunked. Yay. [laughter] You know what I mean? I just want an hour Of my life back. It shouldn’t have Took him an hour, you know? He just sat there. “I’m going to south beach.” N i g g a! If I wasn’t a Christian… And you can tell him I said it. You know what I mean? The reason I heard that he left Is ’cause one of the dudes On the team Was sleeping with his mama. Y’all heard that shit too? I found out when I did the show in Cleveland. The audience told me. I said, “is it true?” They like, “yeah. Yeah. We all knew. We all knew.” I’m like, “and y’all Wondering why he gave y’all The finger and left?” He from here. Y’all his hometown. Y’all love the n i g g a. Somebody should have came up To the brother. “hey, uh…” You know when you delivering That bad, bad news, You got to– “hey, uh… Hey, you know, My man and your mama.” [laughter] “I just thought I’d let you know. I just thought I’d let you know.” And what’s the n i g g a name That did it? Dante west. That’s some fucked-up shit, ’cause that n i g g a, When he play against LeBron, He can get in that n i g g a’s head. He d’ing that n i g g a up. “hey, LeBron.” [laughter and applause] You know, Me and your moms.” You know what I mean? That’s like me and Chris Rock doing a movie together and he sleeping with my mama. I’ma have to rock Chris Rock. You don’t fuck moms. Mom’s off-limits. You can fuck my sister. You know what I mean? She grown. She want to give you some pussy, hey. But you don’t put your dick in where I came out. My man Michael Vick doing his thing, ain’t he? [cheers and applause] You understand me? You can’t keep a brother down. They put that boy in the game. The rest is history. You understand me? And I don’t know why They did that brother The way they did him About some damn dogs. He had some pit bulls. Now here’s the shit That fucked with me. There’s a dogfight going on. He three states away. He ain’t even at the house, And they lock him up. And his cousins ain’t shit! [cheers and applause] You staying at his house For free. You there when The dogfight go down And the bust come. One of them supposed To take the rap. “is this Michael Vick?” “no, this me.” They’d have slapped him On the wrist, $150,000 fine. N i g g a, nothing. They want to make an example out Of vick. They want every black man To have an asterisk. Kobe Bryant. “raped white bitch.” Michael Jordan. “gambled.” Michael Vick. “dogfight.” Eddie griffin. “said ‘n i g g a’.” Tricky white people. Y’all love dogs more than Y’all love human beings. I watch y’all. You see white people. They see a stray dog. You see ’em. They be like, “where’s your home? What’s your name? Let me read your tag. You have a number. We’re gonna call your master. We’re gonna find your home.” A homeless dude walk up. “can I get some change?” “get away from me, you bum.” [laughter and applause] Gonna lock this brother up About a dog. It’s called a “pit bull.” They bred to fight. The dog wants to fight. The dog sitting In the backyard. “I want to fuck something up.” You know what I’m saying? “I ain’t no poodle. What the fuck you Got me back here for?” You understand me? They ain’t trying To stop a rodeo. White people go to the rodeo. You got motherfucking shocks On the goddamn bull’s nuts To make it hop around. Oh, that’s humane. Shut them rodeos down, I’ll stop fighting My motherfucking dogs. I’m from the Midwest. We fight dogs! [barks] Still having cockfights, Ain’t you? You motherfuckers. If I wasn’t a Christian… drink up, y’all. It’s Saturday. Spoken like a true alcoholic. ’cause you know alcoholics come Up with any reason to drink. “why you drinking?” “it’s Saturday.” “why you drinking?” “it’s Sunday. Jesus had wine At the last supper.” “it’s Monday.” “first day back at the job.” “it’s Tuesday.” “kids getting on My goddamn nerves.” “it’s Wednesday.” “hump day.” “it’s Thursday.” “almost Friday.” “it’s Friday.” “thank god!” “it’s Saturday.” “that’s what I’m saying!” Shit, get fucked up, Be somebody else. [laughter] You know what I mean? You got to slave For another motherfucker On the job all week long. Saturday get here, Man, get faded And be somebody else. They be like, “who are you?” “I’m Michael Jackson… Till Sunday!” [laughter and applause] Man, uh, in case You were wondering, “hey, what you drinking, Ed?” It’s called the liquid blunt. You know what I’m saying? It’s Veuve Clicquot champagne. Give you the same high As a blunt. You don’t go up. You don’t go down. You maintain. You understand me? A police pulls me over, They can’t say, “uh, you have some weed On you?” “I don’t.” [laughter] And it’s called Veuve Clicquot– It’s actually the first Champagne ever created. ’cause I research anything I put in my temple, All right? And it’s some French shit. So those of you who were Talking that shit, “I hate the French,” Uh, fuck you. I like the French. If you hate the French, Dig up the statue of liberty And send that bitch back. They made her. If you hate the French, Keep your tongue in your mouth When you kiss, ’cause It’s called a French kiss. It ain’t called A redneck kiss. And put the croissant down, ’cause that’s French too. I like the French. Oui, oui. Tres bon, Je m’appelle, et toi. [laughter and applause] And if you’re Japanese, Genki desu domo arigato. Moshi moshi. And if you’re Chinese, Ni hao ma. Xie-xie ni. [speaking mandarin] But this is the liquid blunt. Now, he named it after His wife. Now, if you buy a bottle Of the shit, It costs $45 at Costco. I don’t get it twisted. I don’t give a fuck How much money I got. I’m frugaler than A motherfucker. ’cause you don’t stay rich By spending the shit. $45. You see them fools In them damn videos. $500 for a bottle of Crystal at a strip club. N i g g a, I ain’t paying $500 For nothing. Suck my dick! $45! And the shit is good! But he named it after His wife. You buy a bottle, There’s a picture of her On the cap. Now, when you look At the picture Of this fat, ugly bitch, You will figure out Why he created a drink. He like, “I need a drink Before I fuck your fat, Raggedy ass. I need some bubbles For my troubles.” You see, I just finished my second dui. I ain’t trying To get a third, ’cause you know California law. You get that third one, It’s an automatic year In the penitentiary area. I ain’t trying to go To jail about no drinking, ’cause you get to jail, Ain’t no drinking. I remember, I was rolling out, man. I’m coming down sunset In L.A. One night And I was high… As a motherfucker. Now I done had a couple of this, You know– [stammering] I’m doing me. You know, and I think I’m doing good. You know, I’m whipping it. And, you know, brothers, We drive with one eye In the rearview mirror And the other one on the road To make sure po-po Ain’t behind. So I’m doing my shit, And I seen the lights. I didn’t know I was in the car chase For about five minutes. I’m that high. I seen the lights And in my head I’m like, “it’s Christmas already? They got all these lights And shit.” I didn’t know till a cop car Pulled in front of me And cut me the fuck off And pulled me over. And that’s when you try To get sober quick. You like… [breathing heavy] You know how you do. “I got this. All right, let me get this shit Off of me, n i g g a. That over there. Stash pocket. Boom. Plow.” And you got to pull The wallet out If you a black man. You don’t want To get caught reaching. They shoot us. “he was reaching For something!” I’ll be having my wallet out. I.D. Showing. Clack-clack. Window already down. “I’m ready for you. Come on. Come on.” And they be asking More dumb-ass questions. He’s like, “would you like To step out of the car?” I said, “well, since it’s A yes or no answer, No, I would not like To step out of the car.” That’s when they snatch Little motherfucker out. Then they try to make you Do the gymnastic competition. You know, Walk a straight line. I said, “hey, hold up, man. I ain’t in the Olympics.” He’s like, “Eddie, so you’re Saying you’re drunk?” I said, “no, your honor. I mean, officer. I ain’t drunk. I’m fucked up! There is a difference. I can drive drunk. I’m fucked up. That’s why I thought I was going straight.” [chuckles] “you’re Eddie griffin, right? Comedian?” I said, “yeah, shit. Why you got that uniform on?” He’s like, “he’s funny in real life.” I said, “look, man”– He’s like, “Eddie, I’ma do you a favor.” “you gonna let a brother go?” “nope. Not gonna do that.” I said, “well, What the fuck is it, then?” He said, “I was wondering if I could take a picture with you For my son and my kids.” I said, “motherfucker, You let a n i g g a go, We can take pictures All night.” [laughter and applause] That’s when they said, “click-click.” Now, they sat my black ass On the curb. Sunset boulevard, Fans driving by, And you know How motherfuckers are. They don’t know. You know what I mean? N i g g a, I entertain, But I’m a real motherfucker. I’m on the corner. Click-click. There’s n i g g a s riding by. “hey, ed, what up?” I’m like, “n i g g a, I can’t wave back! “you love a n i g g a that much, Pull over. Help me.” [laughter and applause] “I’m fucked up. I can’t talk for myself. This motherfucker Put me in the car. I’m in the back. It’s an uncomfortable ride, You know? And they got the shit on tight. You back there, “look at this motherfucker.” And you can’t get comfortable, Shit. And I’m sitting in the back. I’m so fucked up, I’m still clowning. It was a white dude And a fat female white cop. And I’m sitting in the back. I looked at her fat, Funky ass. [laughter] Y’all know my mouth. Some people can edit. It just fly out. I looked at her ass, n i g g a. I said, “shit, I ain’t never Seen a police uniform With stretch marks on it.” [laughter and applause] Her partner Is sitting behind– He’s like, “this motherfucker Is crazy, for real.” They got me down to The station, And that’s when they handcuff You to that little bench. So I’m on that wooden bench, And I’m clowning This fat bitch. The night watchman jumped off The desk and said, “put that ignorant motherfucker In the cage.” They locked me up In that motherfucker. It’s a Friday night. Brothers, y’all know What I’m talking about. You there for the weekend. I don’t know if you been To jail recently. They done took out All the TVs. They done took the weights out. They literally in there Curling little n i g g a s. N i g g a, they make you put Your legs together tight And they curl these little Motherfuckers. I was so tired Of getting curled. They stuck me In the cell With the crip of The century. I got in there, that Motherfucker was dipped blue, Doo-doo-doo-doo. I said, “they put me in With the smurf.” [laughter] Every other word is like, “what up, cuz? What’s going on, cuz? Where the scene at, cuz?” [laughter] Now, y’all know I’m from Kansas city, Missouri, right? This is when I’m first Getting to l.A. I’m like– Bloods and the hood And all that shit Wasn’t on tv yet. I’m sitting there. “cuz. Cuz.” I’m like, “we related?” “cuz?” He like, “no, cuz. You know what I’m saying, Cuz.” And the n i g g a kept doing This kind of shit. I’m like, “these n i g g a s In l.A. Is a bunch Of deaf mutes out here.” You know, These motherfuckers– N i g g a, and I’m like, “I don’t speak that shit.” All I know is this and that. [laughter and applause] He like, “n i g g a, Ain’t you Eddie Griffin, cuz? Ain’t you Eddie Griffin, Cuz?” I’m like, “yeah, motherfucker. You fucking my high up.” So I got to hollering at The little n i g g a As the n i g g a high started Coming down. I said, “n i g g a, Why y’all do that shit?” He like, “you know, cuz. You know, cuz.” I’m like, “n i g g a, I’m from Kansas city, Missouri. N i g g a, where I grew up, We didn’t have no gangs.” N i g g a be like, “n i g g a, what’s your gang?” “self.” The older brothers in here Know what I’m talking about. Back in the day, You had yourself. You had a gang, n i g g a. Me, myself, and I. Your partner showed up To make sure His partners didn’t jump in. Whoever you got beef with, Mano y mano, head up, N i g g a. “what up, n i g g a?” [rolls tongue] If you get your ass whooped, Go to the gym and practice. [laughter and applause] Had that left hook. Got to keep that right up. You got to keep that right up. [cheers and applause] Come with it. ’cause we being so soft With our kids nowadays, man. That shit get on my nerves. They locking parents up Because the kid Had a fight at school. You know what I mean? What kind of– We raising little bitch-ass Motherfuckers? A fight is in god’s plan. You supposed to fight As a kid. That lets you know Where you fit in On the food chain. You thought You was billy badass. Then you ran into Billy badass. Billy badass whooped That ass. You figure out, “I’m good at math.” they don’t even know bloods And crips started right here In Oakland. It’s a offshoot Of the black panthers. I’ma teach y’all Something tonight. When the feds came to break up The black panthers– Two of the brothers Went down to l.A. One went to Inglewood and started the bloods, Which meant, “if the police fuck With anybody on this block, We all blood, we all family, We stand together.” All right? Another one went down to Compton. Started the crips. “crips” stand for “community Resistance in progress.” If you fuck with anybody In this community, The community has got A resistance in progress, Officer! [applause] You ask these little Youngsters now, “hey, what ‘crip’ mean?” “it mean crip, cuz.” [laughter] “it mean crip, cuz. It mean crip, cuz.” And what is this retarded walk? The fuck is wrong with you, N i g g a? You just got out the zoo? You playing right into the White man’s stereotype of us. You know what I mean? Chill the fuck out on that Red and blue, n i g g a. I don’t even understand, N i g g a. We both broke. You a blood; I’m a crip. We broke. Come together like butt cheeks And be the shit. Hell, yeah. If you a little motherfucker My size, shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? ’cause them ain’t The scary ones. The quiet motherfuckers… That’s who you watch. Them the killers. You know, the loudest Motherfucker in the club Is a bitch. That n i g g a loud ’cause he scared And he hope it’s scaring you. “n i g g a, you know What I’m saying? “I’ll fuck it up! Is this scaring y’all? ’cause I’m scared As a motherfucker!” Real killers are quieter Than a motherfucker. They don’t dance. They sit in the club, Hold the wall up, And just be looking. You know, they constantly got A grit on they face. You know? Do a slow stroll Through the club. And they praying the whole time. “god, don’t let me kill Nobody else today.” And then somebody Step on his shoe. He be like… They try to let it slide, But n i g g a s like that can’t. You on the dance floor And he’ll walk up to you. “excuse me, bro. You know, you stepped On my shoes, you know? I was wondering if you’ll apologize, you know? See, I paid for mine just like You paid for yours, you know? So, you know, if you give A brother an apology, You know, we can go on And clean this on up, You know what I’m saying?” That n i g g a be like, “n i g g a, fuck you and your shoes. Old bitch-ass n i g g a. Shit.” Why he tell this motherfucker that? That’s when they get that walk. [laughter] Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Club clearing out like roaches when the light come on. That motherfucker walk out. Don’t nobody know What happened. He still praying. “god… I told you. You know how I am. You go on and sort him out, Cause he wasn’t cool Down here.” As my grandfather said, “there’s certain people That deserve a whole Lot of leave-alone.” it’s her birthday today! who? 76! hey, my dear, Happy birthday, baby. ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ to you ¶ [imitating Sammy Davis Jr.] ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ to you ¶ ¶ oh, uh ¶ ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ dear mama ¶ [cheers and applause] We appreciate you, baby. Yes, indeedy. That’s everybody mama, Shit. You know what I mean? That’s how that shit Supposed to go, man. I be seeing some of these little Young motherfuckers When they see one of they elders Going across the street. “man, get your old ass Out the way.” Y’all see that shit? Beat the dog shit Out that motherfucker. You got the right to rap, Run around, And do all your dumb shit ’cause sisters like her And brothers her age That put it down. [cheers and applause] I got nine kids, and don’t none Of ’em want for shit. You know, when I hear Motherfuckers talking about Child support on one kid, I just laugh. I’m like, “that’s it?” Shit, n i g g a. Come to my world. [laughter] Shit, two ex-wives. Four, five baby mamas. My first-of-the-month calls Is a motherfucker. Shit, I thought I was pimping. I’m doing shows for them. They pimping the shit Out my black ass. “n i g g a, go do some shows.” I bet you they get together And huddle. N i g g a, I get a movie, They be like, “come on, girl. We got a movie.” [laughter and applause] But I wouldn’t trade One of my babies in To save my motherfucking life. [applause] ’cause really, At the end of life, That’s all you Motherfucking leave. You don’t take no money With you. You understand me? I ain’t never seen A brinks truck Pull up to a funeral. The Egyptians tried to take Their money with ’em. Ain’t they digging them Motherfuckers up? Now king tut on tour. This dead motherfucker Still on tour. [laughter and applause] And if they could legally Get away with digging Michael up, That n i g g a’d be on tour too. “where’s Michael?” “he’s on tour.” That n i g g a in the casket And the music play. [imitating Michael Jackson] “hee-hee!” that’s why I smoke And I drink. ’cause when I’m dead, I don’t want nobody Walking by my casket Talking about, “damn, ed look good.” If I look good, I should still Be motherfucking alive. I want a motherfucker walking By my casket to say, “god damn! I see why that n i g g a dead!” [laughter and applause] It ain’t the quality of life– Or the quantity. It’s the quality. You understand me? Would you really want to live To be 199 years old, Shitting on yourself? You come in the world In diapers. If you got to leave In depends, You stayed too long. If it look like I’m about To shit on myself, Unplug me, n i g g a. ’cause life is for The living. And motherfuckers That are alive and love you Don’t want to unplug you ’cause they love you. Motherfucker, let me go. I said I’m tired. Now unplug this shit. I want to see what The next part look like. ’cause I know this Ain’t the end. Energy ain’t dissipated. It’s transferred. This spirit animates this clay We motherfucking trapped in. You understand me? Clay drop the fuck down. My spirit going on To the next phase, n i g g a. Now, leave me the fuck alone. [applause] You understand me? I had my fun. And some of you Old motherfuckers Ain’t playing fair. You know, they got this New shit viagra, cialis. I think god put A ticking clock on a dick. Your dick supposed to be done Right around the speed limit. Ain’t no need in you having No kids after 55. Your ass ain’t gonna be here When they get out of school. Now, play fair. Put the pill down. Shut your dick up. ’cause a young motherfucker– Supposed to be our turn to get Some down pussy. Old n i g g a already established. He got a business. He got a motherfucking Rolls-Royce. He getting all the young pussy, And the young n i g g a like this, “but, baby, Well, you know”– She like, “you ain’t got no car. I’m going with sugar daddy.” Put your wrinkled-up monster up. And you know them old n i g g a s Be cheating, n i g g a. Right now, they popping They pill ’cause they know The show almost over. [laughter and applause] ’cause they know it take A hour for it to kick in. You know. “I’ma be ready for you After this show, girl. Gonna be ready for you. Tell you I drop I like it’s hot. I can drop it Like it’s hot.” [cheers and applause] If y’all think I’m funny, My grandfather is The funniest motherfucker Outside of Richard Pryor I ever met. My granddaddy would sit on The front porch. He’d be like, “lookie here. I like young hos.” I said, “young hos?” He like, “yeah, n i g g a. If you catch me with something Over 27, I’m holding it For the police.” [laughter] “all I can show A 30-year-old bitch is, Is where the old folks’ Home is. You know how many dicks She done seen In 30 years, Eddie? I like young hos.” He said, “Eddie, I had one So young last night, When I got done, I had to burp her.” I couldn’t even call him A dirty old man. I was just like… “all right.” ’cause the n i g g a Explained it to me. He said, “there’s one thing An old motherfucker don’t want, And that’s an old bitch. Two old motherfuckers Don’t go together. Dust flying everywhere.” [audience members shouting] hey, baby. I had to come to The yay area. [cheers and applause] ’cause I know up here, Y’all motherfuckers is sharp. You know what I mean? And you’re still street At the same time, so you– You know what I mean? You actually see n i g g a s With books up here. [cheers and applause] You know what I mean? If you wanna stop motherfuckers From dealing dope On your block, on the corner, Walk up and hand them n i g g a s A book. Watch them run. That n i g g a trying to get me To read! All these words and stuff. Yeah, they say these White people are scared of A n i g g a with a gun. No, they ain’t. When they see your ass with A gun, here’s what they do. “gotcha! He’ll be in jail soon.” They see your ass With a book– Try this shit, ’cause I do it all the time. Go to Starbucks Or one of them little, You know, coffee shops. Sit down with a book. White person sitting Over there. They can’t resist it, n i g g a, They just be like… [laughter] [cheers and applause] Get a book, man. Reading is fundamental. Fun to mental. [cheers and applause] Think! It ain’t illegal yet. But they’re working on it. [cheers and applause] I want the young motherfuckers In here tonight, No matter what Your nationality is, Turn the motherfucking TV off For one week. And see if you can survive. Motherfuckers are going into A television junkie Motherfucking mode, There ain’t no TV. I need my remote, n i g g a, I’m jonesing. It’s called tele… Vision… Programming. They’re telling you visually The program. You’re being programmed. You watch it on the news. “it was on CNN. It’s true.” “I’ve seen it on fox. It’s real.” It’s bullshit! [cheers and applause] You know Obama Ain’t running shit. Puppet on a string. [laughter] That n i g g a ran for office And said, “I’ma stop both wars.” Didn’t he just send 60,000 more troops To Afghanistan? He took them out of Iraq. Them n i g g a s thought They was going home. “shit, n i g g a, the war over. We going home.” He like, “no. Over there.” They wives and shit, Family thinking These motherfuckers coming home. N i g g a, they get shipped To a new war. And you know these wars Is about what? ¶ money, money, money, money ¶ Now, Iraq, We annexed that country. You know, took the oil, N i g g a. Now, one thing you know about American motherfucking history, Wherever we land, We don’t leave. We already got three bases, Permanent bases in Iraq. We still in Vietnam, Still in motherfucking Korea, And still got a base in japan. Everywhere we land, We don’t leave! You know what I mean? I thought it was called The United States of america, Not the united empire Of earth. “you will do as I say.” How the fuck we gonna Go over to Iraq And tell ’em we’re giving These people freedom? They didn’t ask for it! Wasn’t no Iraqis over there, “come on over here. We wanna vote.” Them motherfuckers Was chillin’. Now we over in Afghanistan. You know what we there for. Opium. 90% of the world’s opium Comes from… Afghanistan. Holla at your boy. [laughter and applause] Now, in the Buddhist religion, They smoke opium. There’s 1.6 billion Chinese. In order to control china, You must control opium. China owns 90% of our debt. Welcome to china. [laughter] Learn the language. Ni hao ma. [laughter] Xie-xie ni. The Chinese Ain’t to be fucked with. One Bruce Lee would fuck up this whole room. [laughter] 1.6 billion Bruce Lees? N i g g a, leave ’em alone. Oh, America know who to attack. You ain’t never seen them Go fuck with china. Remember, china had one Of our motherfuckers– Students in Tienanmen square Beating the shit out of him On national television With a bamboo Motherfucking stick. Did America go and attack? No. You know what they said? “what is he doing over there?” [laughter] “somebody get his parents On the phone.” [laughter] ’cause that Bruce Lee Was a bad motherfucker. [cheers and applause] 5’7″. 140 pounds. Dynamite. You understand me? That motherfucker in the movie, You ever seen that motherfucker? He walked in a dojo. 300 motherfuckers. Bruce walk in and… And, you know, I love that n i g g a walk. We can fight one at time… Or together. If you sitting in that dojo, You gotta ask yourself Two questions. Either he got a bomb On his ass… Or he’s really A bad motherfucker. Neither one of them are good. And remember the motherfucking Teachers are always like, “wang, chang, lilang wang. Hang!” They run out there And get killed, n i g g a. [laughter] Then he go with the second set. “wang, chang, ching-chong, Chang, wong-long.” If I’m in that second set, I would have been like, “hey, hey, hold the fuck up. Them was your black belts. My shit is orange. You the teacher. Teach! Now, if you whoop his ass, I’ll keep taking your class. If not, I’m about to study With that motherfucker. I’m Eddie Griffin. Y’all been wonderful. Good night, Oakland, baby.

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Dave Chappelle: Killin’ Them Softly (2000) – Transcript

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Wooo! Ya’ll gone make me lose my mind. Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me throw her out. Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me act a fool. Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me lose my cool. Up in here! Up in here! From the historic Lincoln Theater in Washington DC. Dave Chappelle! Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. All right. No really. Boy. Well, it’s good to come home, boy. I swear. I know, man. It’s been a while. It’s been a while. Hey. DC is different. I’ve been gone, man. It took me years to be able to do the show. Boy, DC has changed. It’s different now. There’s a lot of white people walking around, isn’t there? I mean I left DC in the 80s. It was not like this in the 80s. When crack was going on. Remember when crack was going on? White people would be looking at DC from Virginia with binoculars. Boy, that looks dangerous. Not yet. New white people. You can’t scare these white people. I tried. You roll up on ’em: BOO! What the hell is wrong with you? Those days are over. I’m glad that were doing a show here by Howard, you know. You see like white people come out. And that’s good. One thing I’m seeing. Ever be walking down the street. And you see like a group of black dudes walking. Not just any black dudes. We’re talking, you know, thugs. Talking, you know. They’ll be some thugs, man. And in the group, in the group they got like one or two or sometimes as many as three white guys. Ever see this shit? Let me tell you something about those white guys. Those white guys are the most dangerous motherfuckers in that group. It’s true. It’s true, man. Ain’t no telling what they done to get those black dudes’ respect. But those black dudes have seen them do some wild shit. I’ll tell you that. I’ve been trying to tell brothers that. Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. I’m serious. For safety. Because when ship goes down.. Somebody’s gonna need to talk to the police. I mean that’s when that… That’s when that white friend comes in handy. Uh-oh. Ernie, wanna get this one for me. Come on now. Come on now. Do something. The black people are very afraid of the police. That’s a big part of our culture. No matter how rich you are. No matter how old you are. We’re just afraid of them. We got every reason to be afraid of them. You know what I mean. You’re a white lady. You ever been pulled over before? What do they say? Let me see your drivers license and your registration, right? See? See I’m just guessing. That’s not what they say to us. You wouldn’t believe what they say to us. Spread your cheeks and lick your sack! Like what the heck? Excuse me? You heard me. Spread open your cheeks and lift your sack. I got a driver’s license too. It’s an easier way to prove who I am, isn’t it? What does that prove? I can’t go to the bank like that cash my check. What you mean, I don’t have my ID. Wait a minute. Oh. Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Chappelle. Right this way. Why didn’t you spread your cheeks when you came in here? Scared of them. I’m serious, man. There will be a red light. The police might pull up next to you. It won’t be no big deal for you. But I’m fucking fall apart hard. Don’t look over there. No no no. But I didn’t always know. It was a black thing. It took me a while to figure that out. I learned that shit when I was in New York. I was in New York City. Now I was hanging out with a friend of mine. He was a white guy. We was hanging out. We were lost in the city. You know, smoke a joint. I don’t know if it was a coincidence. We were lost and high and shit. My white buddy, he was smoking a joint. Dave. Dave! It’s the God damned cops. I’m gonna ask them for directions I said Chip, no! Chip, don’t do it! It was too late. He was walking over there. This man was high as shit. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me!!! I need some information. He starts confessing things he shouldn’t confess. I’m a little high. All I wanna know… which way is 3rd Street? The cop is like, hey, take it easy. You’re on Third Street. You better be careful. Go ahead. Move it. Move it. That’s all that happened. It’s the end of the story. Now I know that’s not amazing to some of you. But you ask one of these black fellows, that shit is fucking incredible, isn’t it? A black man would never dream of talking to the police high. That’s a waste of weed. Serious. I’m scared to talk to the police when I’m sleepy. Fuck around and get the wrong idea or something. Oo-oh! Oh my God! That n i g g a was on PCP, Johnson. I had to use necessary force. You saw him. No, no paperwork. Just sprinkle some crack on him. Let’s get out of here. That’s how it is. But at the time I didn’t think there was anything racial about it. I was like, man, Chip. You got fucking lucky. You better be careful. But then another time, me and Chip were driving. No I’m not driving. Chip is driving. And he’s driving a little crazy. He’s been drinking. I don’t like to let my friends drive drunk. But you know I was smoking a joint. I couldn’t really say shit to the guy. Now we get to a red light. We stop at a red light. And a cop pulls up next to us. And I’ll never forget it. Chip looks at me and goes. He’s all drunk and he’s like “Dave…” I’m going to race him. I knew it was a bad idea. But I was high. I tried to explain to him that it was a bad idea. But all that came out was… Well, maybe sometimes we gotta race? All right! Man, that light turned green. And Chip took off. Zig-zagging and shit so no one could pass him. The other car didn’t know it was racing. Then the police seen us. And pulled us over. You understand I’m scared as shit. I mean, come on. The car smells like weed. He was speeding. This man is fucking drunk. I’m scared. Chip was not scared at all. It was weird. He didn’t even turn his radio down. Isn’t that weird, a little bit? I mean you get pulled over, wouldn’t you turn your radio down? Nobody wants to get their ass beat for a soundtrack and shit. You know what I’m saying? Chip in the music blasting. We’re not gonna take it. Earlier today, just relax. Close your butt cheeks. Relax. Let me do the talking. You wanna know what he said? This is almost exactly what he said. I couldn’t believe it. He says. “Sorry, officer, I… I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.” I was fucking shocked! The cop said, well now you know. Get outta here. Get the fuck outta here. Chip said, okay. “I will, sir. Thank you. What? What’s wrong with you, Dave? I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.” He said, “that was good, wasn’t it? Because I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.” I’m shocked. I wasn’t shocked at the audacity. I was just shocked because I would’ve never thought to say that. I don’t think anybody I knew would think to say that because they know we know the law. Every black dude in this room is a qualified paralegal and shit. He knows the law. If one of us even start to do something wrong, an old black man would pop out of nowhere. N i g g a, don’t do that. That’s 5 to 10. Watch out. We know the laws and the penalties. Chip didn’t even know he couldn’t race. I’m not saying I don’t like police. I’m not saying that. I’m saying I’m just scared of them. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we want to call them too. Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call him. But I went, I don’t know. The house is too nice. It ain’t a real nice house but they’ll never believe I live in it. They’d be, he’s still here! Oh my God. Open and shut case. Johnson. I saw this once before when I was a rookie. Apparently this n i g g a broke in and hung up pictures of his family everywhere. Well, let’s sprinkle some crack on him and get out of here. That’s that whole brutality thing. That’s common knowledge, man. There was a time when only minorities knew about that. I won’t say whites wouldn’t believe us. But they were a little skeptical. A little skeptical. I mean I don’t blame you. Even Newsweek printed it. It was in Newsweek. White people were like, oh my God! Honey, did you see this? Apparently the police have been beating up negroes like hot cakes. It’s in the May issue. I mean really how could you know about that? How could anyone else know? You know. Maybe he should have seen something a little suspicious. Doesn’t that seem a little suspicious? Every dead black person in a police van has crack sprinkled on them? Come on, man. Come on, man. Who get shot and sprinkles crack on themselves? Nobody would do that. BAM! Oww! Oww! I don’t want to leave no mysteries. I’m a paranoid guy, you know. I’m afraid to call 911 for anything. If it’s like a fire or anything. Because they tape those phone calls. I see the shows. They tape them. And then they play on television. That’s fucked up. Now I’ll say anything if I’m scared. That shit is private. You’re on your own. What if I get killed? They start playing that 911 tape on the news. I’m dead. I can’t explain myself to my buddies. We was watching the news. We have Reg Chapman on the scene. Reg? What’s going on out there? It always takes the guy on the scene a minute. Hi, Bob! Hi yes. We just got hold of a copy of Dave Chappelle’s frantic 911 emergency call. Remember, viewers, some of this language is disturbing. “Hello. Emergency?” “Help!” “Help, motherfucker! They’re coming to get me!” “Just calm down, sir. Where are ya?” “Oh, oh, I shit on myself.” “I can’t stop cryin’.” They play that shit 30, 40 times a day. All my buddies will be at my funeral looking at me. “You know Dave shit on himself, right?” I saw it on the news. “Died crying like a bitch” I’ll be dead, I can’t even defend myself. That’s not a nice thing to do. That’s not a nice thing to do. I mean, it’s a 9-1-1 tape. How do they expect you to sound? Of course you gon’ be scared. It’s an emergency. There’s nobody calls 9-1-1 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous, wouldn’t it? “Hello, emergency.” “Hi!” Hey, 9-1-1. how are ya? Yeah, uh, look, there’s a group of hooded white men gathering outside of my house. And it looks like they mean business. “GET OUT HERE N i g g a!” “I gotta go.” “You guys try and hurry.” Too much pressure. That’s my problem: I can’t… I can’t handle pressure. Sometimes pressure makes me talk different. I’m serious. Have you ever had that social pressure… have you ever talk to someone who’s fake? And they make you fake? Like, that guy would be like: “Hey, how ya doin’?” And you’re like: “Fine, how are you?” I don’t even talk like that. I get sick of that shit. I do it and it just makes me sick. Sometimes I’ll talk crazy just to make myself feel better. Do y’all do that? You start talking like crazy. You ever hear this voice? “MAH.” That’s how bad guys used to talk in the 40’s, in the old days. See, I used… I talk like that. Not all the time, but if somebody put the pressure on me, fuck it. I gotta cut loose. When the police pull me over I’ll talk like crazy. “Son? Son. Do you know why we pulled you over?” “Nyah. Cause I’m black, see! That’s right. MAAAH!” I do it. It’s not illegal to talk like that. How do they know I don’t talk like that every day? “Stop talking like that.” “Stop talking like what, copper? Mah. That’s how I talk, see.” You gotta make life interesting like that cause the shit is flimsy. Life is flimsy. You… you think you’re gonna live, but ain’t nobody gon’ live forever. It’s dangerous out here. We know what’s going on. I travel now, you know. I used to think that D.C. had the roughest ghettos in the country. Nah, n i g g a. Mm-mmm. I have seen some shit now. Oh, there’s some rough, rough areas outside of D.C. Yeah, everybody should go to the ghetto. I was taken to the ghetto one time. That’s the worst: When you get taken and you’re not expecting to go. You know, usually you wanna know when you’re going to the ghetto, like, “I’m gonna see some wild shit.” I gotta prepare myself. “I’m gonna see somethin’ crazy.” When you’re taken, it’s different. I had a limousine driver. It was after a show, it was late at night, it was like 3:00 in the morning. I had a limousine driver, he was a nice guy, talking to me and shit. “Oh, hey, where you from, dawg?” D.C.? Word? “That’s a rough city, man.” Then his cell phone started ringing. “Hold on one second.” Hello? Oh, what’s up, n i g g a? What? What the fuck? Slow down. What? What the FUCK?! No! No! Noooo! Fuck that! N i g g a, FUCK IT! I’m on my way! Hey. Hey. “I gotta make a stop real quick.” At 3:00 in the morning… I didn’t know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, I was like, “What the fuck?” There was a gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store. “Where the fuck you takin’ me?!” “This don’t look good.” He didn’t say shit. He just pulled up in front of an old, rickety building. That looked like a project. Now, I never been there before, I’m not sure if it was a project. But it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project. A fucking crackhead ran this way. And then another one jumped out a tree and shit. The driver said, “I’ll be right back,” and left me. Took the keys with him, he just left me. At 3:00 in the morning, in front of a project, in a fucking limousine. This was not good. I was like, “Man, I gotta look around and see if I” can see some landmarks and figure out where I’m at. I have to escape on foot. Now this is when I knew I was in a bad neighborhood. You only see this in the worst neighborhoods. Remember, it’s 3:00 in the morning. It’s 3:00 in the morning. I look out the window… There was a fucking baby standing on a corner. For real. And the baby… the baby didn’t even look scared. It was just standing there. I mean, it made me sad. It made me sad, really, cause… You know what I mean? Cause I wanted to help the baby. I was like, “Mm-mmm, I don’t trust you either. I’m sorry.” Click. CLICK! The old baby on the corner trick, eh? Not gonna fall for that shit. So where’s this limousine driver? You know, I start feeling bad. As time goes by, I start feeling worse. Like, “Man, what is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong?” I am scared of a baby. You know, this baby could be in trouble. He might need my help. I gotta do something. But I wasn’t gonna get out the car. I’m serious, man. I just cracked the window a little bit. It was an old limousine. I could roll it down and shit. “Hey, baby!” Baby, go home, man. It’s 3:00 in the morning. What the FUCK are you doing up?! The baby said, “I’m selling weed, n i g g a!” I said, “Ohhh shit.” I wasn’t expecting that. I’m serious. I had to buy two bags from him to calm my nerves. “Let me get two. Let me get two times.” Got back in the car and rolled me a joint. That shit was scary, man. Every once in a while, like, a crackhead would come up to the car and look in the window. It was like Jurassic Park and shit. He’d be looking around the car… “All right. Get outta here, cracky.” That baby was still standing there, man. I was like, “What the… “. Then I started feeling bad again. You know how weed make you feel guilty sometimes. You be like… “Man, what is wrong with me, man?” I have just bought weed from an infant. I can’t condone this kind of behavior. What am I thinking? I can’t let the fear ruin my morals. “Gotta do something.” “Hey baby.” Stop selling weed. “You got your whole life ahead of you.” He said, “FUCK you, n i g g a! I got kids to feed.” I was like, “God DAMN.” Sad. Now just at that very moment, one of the crackheads was running across the street and got hit by a car. Now I know it was a hit-and-run: The police did it. That’s all right. They sprinkled some crack on him and he got back up. I’ll be seeing that kind of shit, man? It’s what it is. They use the TV to program us, from a young age. You ever watch, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little as an adult? That shit is wild shit.. Some wild shit. I mean, I was with my nephew. We’re sitting there, we’re watching Pepé Le Pew. And I say to my nephew, I said “Now pay attention to this guy cause he’s funny.” I used to watch him when I was little.” And we’re watching Pepé Le Pew and I’m old now. And I’m like “Good God…” what kind of fucking racist is this guy? Like “take it easy, Pepé.” My nephew was sitting there cracking up: “Hehehe.” See? Sometimes you gotta take the pussy like Pepé. You’re like “No!” Nooo! I had to turn the channel real quick. I turn on Sesame Street and I say (phew) “Sesame Street.” This is much better cause now he’ll learn how to count and spell.” But now I’m watching it as an adult and I realize Sesame Street teaches kids other things: It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That’s right. They got a character on there named Oscar… and treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face. “Oscar, you are so mean. Isn’t he, kids?” “Yeah, Oscar. You’re a grouch.” He’s like, “BITCH, I live in a FUCKING trash can!” I’m the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street! “Nobody’s helping me.” Then you wonder why the kids roll up and step over homeless people. “Get it together, Grouch.” “Get a job, Grouch.” So don’t even tell me how to get to Sesame Street. It’s a terrible place. I wouldn’t go there if I knew the way. Who would wanna live in a neighborhood like that? Fucking six-foot pigeons walking around and… and elephant that’s a junkie. “HI, BIRD.” Yeah, that’s right. Snuffy! “HI, BIRD. I’m sick. I need some smack, BIRD.” The Cookie Monster with his eyes popping out of his head, screaming: “Cookie cookie cookie!” You’re like, “Ergh!” What kind of cookies are you talking about? “Chocolate chips don’t do that to people.” And they had the nerve to put a pimp on there. They didn’t come out and say he was a pimp, but I know a pimp when I see one. They called him The Count. Had a cape and everything. You’d have seen him pimping. “Bitch, where is my money?” You’ve been late four times. I’ve been counting. How many times must I smack you before you act right? One! Two! TWO SMACKS! “Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, ah, ahhhh…” That’s the thing. There’s so many stuff… there’s just so much stuff to worry about. You know, the more you know, the more you don’t know and shit. You know. Like a lot of people are telling me, “Dave, you know, you just gotta relax. That racism thing has been bugging you too much.” I’ll be thinking about it. Sometimes shit will happen. You know. A lot of black people will relate to this. Have you ever had something happen that was so racist that you didn’t even get mad? It’s like, “Goddamn. That was rac… that was racist.” I mean it was so blatant, you were just like “Wow!” Like you were almost like, it didn’t even happen to you. It was like a fucking movie. That was like you were just watching Mississippi Burning: “Wooow.” That happened to me. I was in Mississippi. I was in Mississippi doing a show. And I go to the restaurant to order some food. And, I say to the guy… I say: “I would like to have…” And before I even my sentence, he says: “The CHICKEN.” I was like, “What the… fuck.” I could not believe it. I could not believe that shit. This man was absolutely right. I said, “How did he know…” that I was going to get some chicken?” I asked him. I said, “How did you know that?” How did you know I was going to get some chicken?” He looked at me like I was crazy. He said, “Come on, buddy. COME ON, BUDDY.” Now everybody knew that as soon as you walked through the goddamn door… you were gonna get some chicken. It ain’t no secret down here “that blacks and chickens are quite fond of one another.” And then I finally understood what he was saying, and I got upset. I wasn’t even mad. I was just upset. I wasn’t ready to hear that shit. All these years, I thought I liked chicken because it was delicious. Turns out I’m genetically predisposed to liking chicken. That shit is whack. I got no say in the matter. That guy ruined chicken for me. I’m scared to eat it in public. I don’t want someone to see me and say something. You know what I mean? You’ll be eating some chicken: (CRUNCH) (crunch) (crunch-crunch) “Look at him.” He loves it. Just like it said in the encyclopedia. “Look how happy he looks.” Sometimes, that’s gonna be too much to deal with. That show business be crazy. That’s where the cultures really collide. Show business bring a lot of races together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it don’t. This is one thing that happens that’s funny. You sometimes I’ll be on a business call, right? You know, like, with… with a lawyer or something. You know, my lawyers be white. And uh… So like, we’ll be on a call, right? And they’ll be like: “OK, Dave, we’re gonna close the deal.” Is that fine with you? I’ll be, like, “Yeah, that’s good for me.” “Great! Great. You have a good weekend, Dave.” I’ll be like, “Alright. You too, man. Peace.” “Uh… all right now. Bye-bye.” They don’t know what to say, right? So sometimes I’ll make up shit that’s not even slang. Just to see how they handle it and shit. It’ll be the same thing, they just go: “All right, we’re gonna close the deal. Is that fine with you, Dave?” “Yeah, it sounds good to me.” “Great. You have a good weekend, Dave.” “All right, buddy. Zip it up, and zip it out.” He’ll be like… “Uh…” All right. “Zippity-doo-dah, bye-BYE.” Sometimes, you know, sometimes racism works out in black people’s favor. It doesn’t happen often. It happens very rarely. But… when it happens, it is fucking sweet. I’m serious. One time, racism saved my life, man. I was… I was on a plane. I was c… I was coming from overseas. And… I don’t know how this guy got a machine gun on the plane, but he stood up, man. He said: “Everybody! Get on the fucking ground.” NOBODY LOOK AT MY FACE!” I started freaking out. Cause he was Chinese. I was like, “Why is he talking like that?” He was screaming and crying. I was the only brother on the plane. Well, I thought I was the only brother. I looked over, there was one other black dude. He was from Nigeria. I looked over at him, he was looking right at my face, man. He didn’t say two words, he was like: He didn’t need to talk. I knew just what he was talking about. I looked right back at him. I was like (gives thumbs up) Some white dudes on the front of the plane seen us. They were like: “Oh my God.” “I think those black guys are gonna try to save us.” Nuh-MMMM. We were just communicating that we understood the situation. We were both seeing the same thing. What we understood was simple. Terrorists don’t take black hostages. That’s the truth. I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter. “Mm.” They is treating us good. Uh, we all chillin’ and shit. I’d like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray and Big Steve in… “Newport.” You’re not gonna see it. Terrorists are smart. They know what they’re doing. They’re, you know… They’re terrorists. They know that black people is bad bargaining chips. They call the White House, they say: “Hello.” We have got five black… “Hello?” We be back in D.C. You know what I was thinking, man? This… This is an election year. I’mma ask you, you’re a white guy, do you know who you’re voting for yet? Don’t know, do you? Now you see that? You see what just happened here? Let me tell you something, that is a cultural thing. He knows who he’s gonna vote for. He’s just not gonna tell me. See? I’ve noticed that. That is a cultural thing. White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It’s a secret. You ever ask a white guy who he’s voting for? “Hey, Bob. Uh, Bob. Who you gonna vote for?” “Dave, Dave! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” Mmmm… Take it easy now. Take it easy. So anyway, um… I was fucking my wife in her ass, right? And… and… “I mean, it was something else.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but… but who are you voting for?” “Dave!” Dave, come on with the voting. I’m trying to tell you about how I fucking my wife. “And you’re asking me all these personal questions.” They don’t like to divulge that information… cause it matters to them. Black people talk about that shit. Black people will openly talk about politics. Black people will openly talk about beating up politicians and shit. “If I see George Bush, I’ll kick his motherfucking ass for cutting my Medicaid.” They don’t care. They’ll just say it. Black people will just say it. But there’s a reason for that. Because it matters more.. It matters more. Black people… see, even when I vote, right, which I don’t, but… but even when I like think about like who I would vote for, right? I don’t even look at their political policies. I just look at their character. You know what I’m saying now? You gotta… no, I’m serious. You gotta read between the lines. Like you know, you look at Clinton. And black people like Clinton. I saw one thing on the campaign trail. He actually just picked a black baby up and kissed him… “Come here, little n i g g a baby.” Mwah! Just kissing him. I said, “Mmmm-hmmm!” I like that. He did not hesitate or nothing. You see George Bush Jr. He’d be like: (kiss) “Ew.” That was fun. Like see I’d never vote for George Bush Jr. But I don’t know George Bush Jr.’s politics. The only thing I know about is that that guy sniffed cocaine. That’s right. Now listen, we cannot have that shit in the White House. That might be fine for a mayor, but goddamn it, not in the White House. Not in the White House. Mmm-mmmm. You hear what I’m saying? The stakes are too high in the White House. Can’t have no cokehead president, mm-mmm. He’d be selling nuclear secrets for 20, 30 dollars and shit. He’d be at meetings, embarrassing America. “Come on.” Sign the treaty, baby. “I’ll suck your dick.” Like what the…? “Mr. President!” Mr. President, that is not how we do business here, sir. “Stop sucking the ambassador’s dick.” “No, let him finish.” I will sign the treaty. “There will be peace in Israel, finally.” I’d vote for Clinton again if I could. At least… It’s always better… Now again, I’m not looking at his politics. Don’t know what his politics are. I’m just looking at his behavior. I understand that kind of behavior. I know a lot of dudes with them shortcomings. Weed smoking fornicators, there’s a lot of them. I mean, come on now. Let’s… let’s be honest. Let’s be honest. Bill Clinton was not the first president to do what he did. Now let’s just… let’s just… let’s think back for a minute. Remember a guy named… named Kennedy? John F. Kennedy. Remember him? He fucked Marilyn Monroe. Matter of fact, him and his brother Bobby fucked Marilyn Monroe. And history doesn’t talk about that much. You know why history doesn’t talk about that much? Because those two pages in history are stuck together. They was gettin’ it on. They were gettin’ it on. I seen the tapes. Remember the tapes? She be singing all nasty as his party, stressin’ him out and shit. “Hap-py birth-day. Mis-ter Pre-si-dent.” “Bitch, my family’s here. Mm-mmm.” Clinton did the same thing, but he didn’t do it like that. Because it’s the year 2000. He’s busier than Kennedy was. He was a busy man. Clinton did that kind of thing the way busy men do it. You know what busy men do? They fuck who’s close to them. I could tell that was what Clinton was up to. Looked like he just stuck his head out the office door and shit. “Ehh, oh boy!” You! You, come here. Come here. I need my penis sucked before my 3:30. Come on. “Oh, boy.” He was probably looking at Kennedy’s picture and shit. “Oh.” (salute) And then to top it off, he lied. Which I thought was just… I thought that was special. I did, man. I know how he did. I’ve been accused of having sex with a girl I did not have sex with before. And let me tell you something, that shit is infuriating. You ever go through that? You know, it’ll make you crazy. You’ll be screaming at your best friends. “I didn’t touch that bitch! N i g g a, I’ll kill you!” Fuck you, n i g g a! I’ll kill you! Please believe me. PLEASE BELIEVE ME! But Clinton didn’t do it like that, did he? Clinton came out at the press conference all relaxed. His shoulder’s all relaxed, looked like he just got done fucking or some shit. “Listen.” Let me tell you something, America. I don’t think you heard me the first time. I did not… have… sexual… relations… with that woman! (sniffs finger) Miss Lewinsky! You know he did it. You know he did it. Everybody knew what that finger smelled like. Nobody cared. Nobody cared. We all watched. We was disgusted but we kept watching the news. I know I did. I was taping it. See, I’d be at the crib like: “Baby, turn the lights off. News is coming on.” Every week on “60 Minutes,” it was a different girl accusing Clinton. Remember when Kathleen Willey came out? She was upset. “The president…” called me into his office. He… began… massaging my breasts… slowly. I’m sorry. And then he placed, my hand… On his genitals. Ed Bradley was shocked. Ohhh! “Was he aroused?” I was at home like, “Yeaaah, was he aroused?” And then Ed Bradley looked right in the camera, he said. “Don’t bust that nut yet. We’ll be right back.” Oh, man. The news had never been so good. But there were no victims. There were no victims. Only one I feel sorry for is that, uh, Lewinsky. I feel little sorry for her. Don’t y’all feel a little sorry for her at all? Audience: NO! Goddamn, y’all, come on now. Have a heart. That’s a hard thing to be famous for, you know. Ain’t nobody want to be the most famous cocksucker of all times and shit. I feel bad for her. Not even the women feel sorry for her? A little bit, ladies? Women: NO! Now that’s jealousy. That’s what that is. I mean, come on, y’all. That’s one dick that that girl sucked that’s gonna haunt her for the rest of her life. Long after she’s spent that money up, that’s still gonna haunt her. And I know there’s a lot of women in here with at least one dick they regret. And I bet you it wasn’t a president’s dick. I bet you he worked at Kinney shoes or Safeway or some shit like that. Don’t go judging her. Don’t go judging her. See, we gotta stop judging people. That girl was young, and she made a mistake that young girls make. She wanted to fuck a powerful man. Period. That’s as far as she thought it through. She wasn’t thinking about how powerful the president was. She had no wisdom. An older woman would’ve helped everybody. An older woman would’ve been in there. “You know, um, you should lower taxes.” You know what I’m s… An older woman would’ve sucked us into Utopia. The last thing I’m gonna say about it is this: He is a famous man. I have dreamt of being famous, but I never dreamt of being that famous. I never understood how famous a president was. But imagine if someone could suck your dick and then they’re famous. You understand what I’m saying? That’s crazy. That’s crazy. I mean, no guy ever thought of that. There’s nobody with a pickup line that good and shit. “Hey, suck my dick. There’s a future in it.” “Oh, that’s it.” Now get out there and be somebody! Go write a book. You’re a qualified author now. Go write a book. Shit, I’m in the wrong business. I should be the president. Shit, I’m in the wrong business. See the only reason why I want to be the president is because I’m black, that’d make it too hot for me. I mean you know… I mean, there could be a black president one day, but… You don’t wanna be the first one. I mean the second or third is fine, but… That first n i g g a better watch out. I’mma tell you that right now. Too hot. I mean I’d be the first black president. I don’t think that nobody would really, really hurt me. I’m sure somebody’d want to hurt me. But I don’t think they’d touch me. Cause uh… Cause my vice president will be Mexican for a little insurance. You know what I’m saying? I mean, you could shoot me if you want. But you’re just gonna open the border up. You might as well leave me and Vice President Santiago to our own devices. “Ain’t that right, Santiago?” “Si! Siii!” “Elián can stay…” Don’t worry, don’t worry. I ain’t got no Elián jokes. All I’ll say about Elián is thank God he’s Cuban. Cause if he was Haitian, you would’ve never heard about his ass. Mm-mmm. If Elián Gonzalez was Elián Lemumbo from Haiti, they’d have pushed that rubber tube right back and say: “Sorry, fella. All full. Good luck.” The only thing in our society that bothers me the most is the way that men and women don’t get along no more. That’s really what’s bugging me about it. Men and women just don’t get along. Like I hear women say this all the time. I know a lot of you sisters be like: “Chivalry is dead.” Don’t y’all feel that way? Like men aren’t gentlemen anymore? That’s right: Chivalry is dead. And women killed it. There’s a fundamental difference in the way we’re gonna see things. We’re not gonna see eye to eye on this issue. We’re just not. Our tests in life are different. A woman’s test in life is material. A man’s test in life is a woman. Now by test, I mean that those are the things that we desire. Men have nice cars. Not cause they like nice cars. Because they know women like nice cars. That’s how it goes. Cause men are hunters. And the car is the bait. And a woman comes up and says: “Ooh, nice Porsche.” “Gotcha, bitch!” That’s how it is. That’s true. Come on, man. You go to a woman’s house, her house will be comfortable as shit. Women love comfortable surroundings. So men get comfortable surroundings. Let me tell you something: If a man could fuck a woman in a cardboard box, he wouldn’t buy a house. But that’s still not where chivalry got killed. Chivalry got killed by the feminist movement on all them magazines that got women going crazy, because women got too much advice about men from other women. And they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. And it’s true. I see the shit in the magazines. I don’t read ’em, but I be seeing the cover. You ever be in the grocery store, fellas, you look at one of them magazines like “What is this?” And it say on the cover: “A hundred ways to please your man” by… some lady. Get outta here, man. Come on. Ain’t no hundred ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, then fix him a sandwich and don’t talk so much. And they’re gon’ be happy. That’s it. And then the magazines trick the women. The magazines start picking at your self-esteem. Every page you turn, you start feeling fatter, and uglier. And you feel like your clothes aren’t good enough. And the magazines have you forgetting how fucking beautiful you are. And that’s what happens. Now look what happens. And then you forget how beautiful you are, and we all suffer. If pussy was a stock, it would be plummeting right now because you’ve flooded the market with it. You’re giving it away too easy. I’m just… being truthful. I’m just talking. It would plummet! We’d be watching the news. “Today, pussy plummeted again on the NASDAQ.” “Gold is up ten points.” You can see it. You ever have this happen? This is how confusing it is. This is the practical application of what I’m talking about. Like a guy will be out… this happens a lot, guys. You’ll be at a club, a bar, right? You’re just kicking it with your boys, and a girl walks by, and, man, she looks good. She looks good. Not good in that classical way. I mean, you know, I’m talking good like, she got half her ass hanging out her skirt. Her titties are all mashed together… Popping out the top of her turtleneck and shit. And you’re with your buddies, right? You’re with your buddies, you got a couple of drinks in you. And you see a girl. You might try to talk to her. It just might not come out right. I don’t know what you’d say to her: “DAMN, look at them titties!” The girl gets mad at you. “Oh, uh-uhh. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute!” Just because I’m dressed this way, does NOT… “Make me a whore.” Which is true. Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn’t mean they are a certain way. Don’t ever forget it. But, ladies, you must understand that that is fucking confusing. It just is. Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle the comedian, walking around the streets in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me. “Oh, thank God.” Officer, help us. Come on. They’re over here. “Help us!” I’m not gonna be like: “Oh!” Just because I’m dressed this way does not make me a police officer.” You understand what I’m saying? It’s like, “All right, lady, fine, fine.” You are not a whore. “But you are wearing a whore’s uniform, I’ll tell you that shit right now.” Little misunderstandings can happen. And then, man, we misunderstand women a lot. You know, we always undermine their feelings. You can’t do that to them. You can’t because… see, feelings are… You see? They’re clapping. Feelings are very important to women. They are all-important to women. I’m just learning this shit. Everything is based on how they “feel”. You could hear it when they tell stories. You ever tell… when a man tells a story, it’d be just facts: Who, what, when, where, why. “It was me and Bob.” We was at Safeway, then that n i g g a Bob said this. “Then I punched that n i g g a, then I broke out.” That’s the story. That’s the story. Women tell stories, and all these feelings come out… “Well, first of all, you have to understand, I was on my period. And I had just talked to my mother, so I was feeling like… “. Goddamn, so many feelings. What the fuck happened? Get to it. Get to it. But they gotta talk about ’em. They gotta talk about ’em. That’s how they always get me. I’ll be sitting there, watching TV, chilling and shit. My old lady come up to me: “David, we need to talk.” “FUCK!” I don’t say that out loud. That’s how I feel inside. Because I know every time we need to talk, we need to talk about some shit that I gotta do. We don’t ever have to talk about anything she needs to do. She leaves me defenseless. I have to do what I have to do. “David, we need to talk.” “Mah.” “Don’t do that to me, David. This is serious. Stop talking in that voice.” “No, see!” I gotta do this, see! “Maaaah! Seeeee.” I complain, but I’m happy that I’m with somebody. I don’t wanna be… I don’t wanna be single. I don’t like that. Sometimes, you go to them single clubs, you see too much. See I was on the road, one club, and I seen… I see a thing they call a “thong contest”. Man: YES! Yeah, I’ve seen a thong contest. Man: SCANDALOUS. Yeah, it’s some scandalous shit, all right. I couldn’t get over that, man. Cause the DJ, you know, I was dancing with a girl, the DJ says: “Everybody who wants to be in the thong contest, please report to the DJ booth.” Girls like, “Excuse me.” They put on that song. “Let me see some THONG thong thong THONG thong.” thong.” Them girls was going off! Some of them pulling their pants down. Some of them pull their skirts up. All of them shaking their butts. Some of them didn’t even have underwear on. They were just fucking shaking their butts. I mean, really, I was fucking disgusted. But I couldn’t turn away. For the squeamish, please plug your ears. All right. One of the girls gets so into it. There’s no cops around, right? But she actually, sorry to tell y’all this, she spreads her buttcheeks open. She spreads her buttcheeks open in the middle of a crowded disco. Right? I was disgusted cause I was like ten yards away from her and I was like, “Oh my, GOD.” “Is that her… is that her birth canal?” Oh it gets worse. I’m like, “Good God almighty, is that a… is that a baby?!” I know, that’s gross. It’s gross. Cause it was a baby. It was the same baby from the projects. He’s like, “I snuck in the club, n i g g a!” I got that weed if you need me. Just pat her on the ass and I’ll come out. All right, guys, thank you very much. Thank you all. Good night. Woo! Ya’ll gone make me lose my mind. Up in here! Up in here! Good night. Good night! Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me act a fool. Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me lose my cool. Up in here! Up in here!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dave Chappelle: For What It’s Worth (2004) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-worth-2004-full-transcript/

Why’d you pick San Francisco to shoot your special? This is one of the best towns that ever knew comedy. And this is the most historic venue you got as far as comedians are concerned. ‘Cause Lenny Bruce ripped it down here. Yeah, all the best came through the Bay. What about Richard? What about Robin Williams? Carlin? Mooney? You don’t necessarily have to be the biggest star. As long as you come with it then people coming out. They like to see live performances… because it’s a savvy audience. San Francisco, are you ready? I don’t think he can hear you. Are you ready? Welcome to the show. Here’s Dave Chappelle. Oh, man. Oh, shit. Yes, bring it on, man. Yes, thank you. Thank you all. Thank you for coming. God damn. I did it big this year. From cable, n i g g a, goddamn. Thanks for coming out and thanks for making a n i g g a feel comfortable… in the gayest place on earth. You guys got Disney World jealous about this, motherfuckers. Man. I didn’t really think it was that gay at first. ‘Cause when I was coming here… everyone was like, man, that place is really gay. What the fuck is everybody talking about? It’s not so gay. And then I wandered into that Castro. God damn. I said, ”This is America’s anus right here.” This shit is deep. I went to that Tenderloin. There’s nothing tender about that motherfucker at all. That shit was rough. The opposite of tender. I have never seen crack smoked so casually before. These n i g g a s was sitting in front of Starbucks… smoking crack and drinking coffee. I said, this is off the hook. Talking about politics… I seen one crackhead trying to break into somebody’s car, man… and it struck a chord with me. I tried to stop it. I said, ”Hey!” And he looked back and saw me and said: ”Keep an eye out.” I said, ”N i g g a, that was me that said that. I’m not trying to help you. ”I want this shit to stop.” Crackheads are like that. I had a crackhead break my car window one time. Broke it. You know what he stole? Fucking candy bar I had lying on the seat. That’s all he took. Just a goddamn candy bar. I was so mad… I drove around the neighborhood for five hours… looking for a crackhead with chocolate on his face. I did this. I finally found him, I grabbed him. I said, ”Hey, man, what’s all this chocolate on your face? ”Motherfucker.” He looked confused. ”Chocolate? ”This is doo-doo, baby.” I said…. Oh, man. This place is insane. But you know what I like about San Fran… and the reason I picked this city to do my special is because… of all the major cities in America, somehow, people get along here better… than anywhere else I’ve seen in the country. That’s right. And I always admire San Fran for that. And today, I’ve realized how you did it. Put all the n i g g a s on the other side of that bridge. They sure ain’t happy on that side. You leave San Francisco, they’re like, ”Bye, thanks for coming to San Francisco. ”Come back in April, we’re having a sale on Birkenstocks.” When you get to the other side, ”Welcome to Oakland, bitch.” Click. Click. It’s fucking crazy. But it also feels like it’s an East Coast city… in the West Coast. You guys got subways and shit. I’m scared of public transportation. I was on a bus that was held hostage… 45 minutes. Wasn’t life-threatening. Don’t get that impression. It was a dude jerking off. But the shit was scary, son. It was scary. Right before it happened, I was on the bus smoking a cigarette. It’s a long story. It’s not the coolest shit I ever did… and people freaked out. ”Sir! ”Sir, put that goddamn cigarette out, okay? ”This is everybody’s air, sir.” I flicked it. I didn’t want any trouble. And just at that moment… coincidentally, this homeless dude, out of nowhere pulls his dick out. Started beating off. And I was furious. ‘Cause nobody’s saying shit to this guy. They was just looking like, ”My God.” I was the only one on the bus that had the balls to talk to him. It’s not even like I was brave, really, it was that… I was sitting next to the motherfucker. I had to say something. Come on, dog, you’re hitting my elbow. Stop. Son, just stop. It’s all I said. I didn’t wanna say too much. Guy’s beating off on the bus, means there’s something wrong with him. He’s not wrapped so tight. I didn’t wanna push him over the edge. Soon as I said something, all these dummies on the bus, now they’re brave. ”Oh, he’s right.” ”put your goddamn cock away. I don’t wanna see this anymore.” ”I don’t wanna see it either.” ”Yeah.” Now, the guy flips out. ”All right, everybody, back up, back the fuck up. ”I tried to be nice about this.” Now, everybody freaks out. ”Oh, my God, it’s a biological attack.” I’m caught in the middle. I can’t lose my cool. I said ”Everybody just calm the fuck down or you’re going to get me shot. ”Let’s all just be cool. ”Let’s do what this man says, so he’ll leave us alone.” Now everybody gets quiet. ”That’s better. ”That is better.” And then he started walking up and down the aisles, just terrorizing us. And then he starts making demands. ”You in the pink shirt… ”squeeze your tits together.” ”Oh, God, no.” ”You. Stick your finger in your butt.” ”Why? Oh, God, why is this happening?” ”Oh, God.” He was working my way. The shit was tight. Just that minute, I got saved, dudes. I was so lucky. This guy, the other in the bus, he snapped. He lost his mind. I seen it happen. He screamed out, ”Rush him. ”He can’t come on all of us.” He charges down the aisle. And it’s like a movie. This homeless dude’s seen him coming. He shot one off. I dodged that shit like The Matrix, n i g g a. The guy behind me wasn’t so lucky, though. ”No!” That shit was gross. It didn’t kill him, but it was…. I’m sure that fucked his day up. You’re not gonna have a normal day if a homeless dude… busts a nut on your forehead at 8:30 in the morning. That’s a wrap on the rest of the day. That guy was freaking out. ”It burns!” Everyone was standing around looking at him. Even the homeless dude felt bad. I guess he was finished, he came back to his senses. ”Oh, this is my stop.” I said, ”Relax, motherfucker.” I had to say something. ”Oh, I can’t. I got AIDS, I know it.” I said, ”You can’t get AIDS from a homeless dude busting a nut on your forehead. ”That’s not how it spreads.” I don’t know if it’s true. That’s just what I told him. He was so scared, I had to say something. I don’t know where AIDS comes from. Who the fuck knows? Scientists don’t even know. Scientists still say AIDS started ’cause somebody had sex with a monkey. Word? After all this research, the best explanation that you came up with…. Nobody fucks monkeys and people, you idiot. You either fuck monkeys or you fuck people. That’s it. There’s no in-between. You’re not gonna get monkey pussy on Tuesday… and then be like, ”Well, let me call Charlene,” on Thursday. No. Once you fuck a monkey, that’s a firm decision. I’m out of the human pussy game for good. It’s ridiculous. They act like monkeys are just as open as… waiting for people to fuck them, man. Monkeys don’t wanna be fucked by people. Think about it. Think about how hard it would be to catch a monkey… and fuck it. That’s ridiculous. That’s how it had to go down. You think you’re going to walk up to him in the woods… and bribe this n i g g a with fruits and bananas? ”Hey, buddy, hey. ”There you go, buddy, yeah. ”There you go, your big bright red ass. ”This big bright red booty.” Do you know how strong a monkey is? It would rip your dick off like a celery stalk. Throw that shit in the tall grass, to never be seen again. ”Hey, dog, we’re gonna go to the club, pick up some girls, you trying to roll?” ”No, man, I’m cool. ”I’m gonna stay home, chill with my monkey. ”You know how long it took me to train this monkey… ”to suck my dick… ”without peeling it? ”Last night, Chimp-chimp jerked me off with his feet. ”N i g g a, only a monkey can show you that kind of love and tenderness. ”So you all keep fucking these people if you want, n i g g a s. ”No, it’s monkey pussy for me. ”I’m hooking up with an orangutan next week. ”’Cause all I fuck is chimps and orangutans.” You know who I feel real bad for is Indians. Everybody feels bad for the Indians. They get dogged openly, ’cause everybody thinks they’re dead. These motherfuckers are not all dead, all right? I’ve seen, with my own eyes, I’ve seen a gathering… of 1,500 Native Americans. They were all gathered in one place. The place is called Wal-Mart in New Mexico. They were everywhere. I’ve never seen Indians before. I wasn’t even sure if they were Indians. It was fucked up, but I asked one of them. It’s not nice, but I seen them in the sports section… looking at bows and arrows. I had to say something. ”Excuse me… ”I don’t mean to be rude… ”are you an Indian?” And he was cool. ”Yes. ”Yes, I am Indian.” I still didn’t believe him. I had to test him and be sure. This is fucked up, but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket. So, I balled that shit up and I threw it on the floor. And a single tear came out his eye. I said, ”Oh, shit.” I have so many questions. I said, ”What tribe are you from?” ”I am a Navajo.” I said, ”Word? ”I studied you in Social Studies. ”You’re a hunter-gatherer, correct?” He said, ”I guess so… ”if that’s what you wish to call it.” I said, ”Why, what do you call it?” He said, ”I am… ”an alcoholic.” I said, ”Well, what’s your name, dog?” He said, ”please. Dog is my cousin. That was a good guess. ”My name is… ”Running Coyote. ”What is your name, friend?” And that shit caught me off guard. I didn’t wanna say my name was Dave… to a motherfucker named Running Coyote. It don’t feel good enough. He’s putting me on the spot. I said, ”My name? What? ”Oh, my name’s Black Feet.” I changed the subject. ”Forget about me. What’s going on with you? ”I wanna meet your chief. ”Why don’t me, you, your Chief, and your friends get together tonight? ”We could have a real-life peace pipe-smoking ritual. ”We need to celebrate ’cause I thought you were dead.” And he set it up. It was beautiful. It was just like I dreamed. We was all sitting around. The Indians was beating the drums. Other Indians came out the back… with a long blanket that was folded in half and put in front of us. Opened that shit up… and on the blanket was a long wooden pipe with feathers. And bags of weed were all over the blanket. The chief walked over. ”The big ones are 50. The little ones are 25 and these are 10.” Man, those Indians got high as shit. I was baked. I told the chief. He was talking, I cut him off. ”Time out, Chief. ”Sorry to interrupt. ”I’m fucking smashed, man. The weed’s too strong. ”You sure this isn’t pCp? The spirits have got me. ”Chief, the spirits have got me.” And the Chief threw some water in my face. ”Calm down, Blackface.” I said, ”It’s Black Feet, motherfucker. Take it easy.” ”Black Feet… ”you are welcome to stay amongst me and my tribe for the night… ”until the spirits leave you.” And they gave me my own teepee to sleep in… which sounds nice. I personally felt like it was a little fucked up. You know, ’cause they all had houses. It’s like, why can’t I sleep with you all in the house and watch TV? Like, I can’t be on this grass all night. The Indians is rude, man. Everybody’s rude, the Indians. They eating nasty food. All they ate was corn and shit. Doritos, I think they called it. That’s right. People only see the surface. They see the division in our foods. Just ’cause I eat chicken and watermelon… they think there’s something wrong with me. If you don’t like chicken or watermelon… something is wrong with you, motherfucker. Where are all these people that don’t like chicken and watermelon? I’m sick of hearing about how bad it is. It’s great. I’m waiting for chicken to approach me to do a commercial. I’ll do it for free, chicken. It’s the least I can do. They make fun of Latin people for eating…. What you all eating? Beans? Rice? Corn? Listen, that’s not a reason to hate a motherfucker, all right? It’s funny, but it’s not a reason to hate. The only reason these things are even an issue is because… nobody knows what white people eat. You’ve been very good at keeping that shit a secret amongst yourselves. I study white people. You don’t know that. I’m writing a paper on you. Not even for school, n i g g a. Just to do it, just to do this independent research. I’m spending my money. That’s why I’m working so hard. I follow you around grocery stores. They freak out. I try to peek in their cart. They say, ”Get away from my cart, n i g g a. What’re you looking at? ”Chicken and giblets are over there. ”You must be lost. These are vegetables.” I know what you drink. See how quiet it got. Grape juice. Surprise, motherfuckers. You didn’t know I knew about grape juice, did you? Oh, don’t play dumb with me. A lot of black people don’t have the privilege of knowing about grape juice… because they have grape drink. It’s not the same formula that you get. Ain’t no vitamins in that shit. You might have one of your black friends over. ”Todd, would you care for a glass of grape juice?” ”What? ”N i g g a, what the fuck is juice? ”I want some grape drink, baby. ”It’s purple. ”I don’t think I know what a grape drink is.” ”What?” ”I have some apple juice, if you want.” ”What the fuck is juice? ”I want some apple drink. ”It’s green.” Remember that commercial for Sunny Delight… when all the kids run in from outside playing… and they all run to the fridge? ”All right, I got some purple stuff, some Sunny D.” As soon as they say ”Sunny D,” all the kids go, ”Yeah!” Watch the black kid in the back. If you see that commercial, look at that black kid. He’d be like, ”I want that purple stuff.” That’s drink, n i g g a, it’s drink. They want drink. They don’t want all them vitamins, man. They want drink. Sugar, water, purple. That’s the ingredients: Sugar, water… and of course, purple. It’s too fucking much. I got a lot of things to talk about tonight. First of all, I’ve stopped smoking weed… with black people. You didn’t let me finish, motherfuckers. God damn. I’m sorry, black people, to break the news so publicly… but I can’t smoke with you anymore. Every time I smoke weed with my black friends… all you talk about… is your trials and tribulations. I’m sick of that shit. I got my own problems. That’s a waste of weed. I’m smoking weed to run from my problems, not take on yours. From now on, I smoke weed exclusively with white people. Calm down, motherfuckers, you win by default. You got good weed conversation. All white people talk about when they get high… is other times that they got high. I could listen to that shit all night. ”Dude, remember at Frank’s last week, I was fucking smashed, man.” And catalogs everything they drink. ”I had two shots of Jäger… ”tequila, four bong hits, man… ”beer, cheeseburger.” That shit is great. The only bad part is… you cannot pass out around white people. Every time white dudes pass out around each other… they always do some borderline-gay shit when the guys are sleeping. ”Frank fell asleep so we, like, stuck a carrot in his ass… ”and put shaving cream on his balls.” Why, motherfucker? Why’d you do that to a friend of yours? He trusted you to sleep around you. You put a carrot in his ass? Is that nice? I’ll tell you, if I put a carrot in a black dude’s ass… he will kill you when he wakes up for some shit like that. That is an automatic death sentence on the street. It’s a wrap for you. ”I’m gonna kill that motherfucker.” ”I thought you all was friends, baby. What happened?” ”I fell asleep at his house. We was drinking. I fell asleep at his house… ”and while I was sleeping, right…. ”I’m gonna kill that motherfucker. That’s all you need to know. ”And fuck carrots.” But everybody’s getting along. I see that shit. I see it all around. Blacks and whites don’t fight so much. You know who don’t have no beef with anybody is Asian people. I see how you all be doing. You all just lay in the cut. The only people Asian people beef with is other Asian people. Like if you call a Korean guy Chinese. I’ve done this. They’ll flip out. ”Hey. ”What makes you think I’m Chinese? ”I am Korean. ”Do I look Chinese?” Yes, motherfucker, you do look Chinese. That’s why I said it. It’s an accident. To the untrained eye, you all look Chinese to me. It’s a mistake. I’m not trying to offend you. Some say all black people look alike. We don’t get bent out of shape. We normally just call those people ”police,” okay? Just learn to live with it. That’s all I can tell you. Just learn to live with it. That’s all I can tell you. Everybody’s afraid of the police now. I’m scared to death of these police. I am. I got a police scanner. First money I got, that’s the first shit I went out and bought. I just listen to these motherfuckers before I go out. Just to make sure everything’s cool. You hear shit on it. ”Calling all cars. ”Be on the lookout for a black male between 4’7” and 6’8”. Staying in the crib tonight. Fuck that. Gotta work on that alibi for a minute. Every black person needs an alibi. I do them impromptu joints. If I’m by myself and need an alibi… I open up the windows in the apartment, turn the lights on… start beating off right in the window. Hey, everybody. Look, it’s me, Dave Chappelle. Crazy. I’m jerking off. Note the time, motherfuckers. It’s 2:35. Look at me, I’m jerking off in the window, 2:35. Comedian Dave Chappelle, June 10, note the time. That shit could save my life. ”Officer, Chappelle couldn’t have done that. ”I saw him in his window masturbating from 2:35 to 2:37. ”I’m certain of it. ”He was standing on a clock and holding a calendar and today’s paper.” Fuck, I need an alibi. I can’t be no celebrity. This shit is just the worst. I’m seeing it. I see why stars are crazy, man, these motherfuckers. I went to Disney World with my kids, which is a big deal for me. I don’t get to see my kids so much. I do Chappelle’s Show 20 hours a day. Sleep for, like, half an hour. Raise my kids for 10, 20 minutes and I go back to work. Now… this particular day I got to hook up with the kids. We went to Disney World. Everybody at the park… fucking everybody. ”Hey. I’m Rick James, bitch.” It’s like, ”Hey, man, hey… ”you mind not calling me a bitch in front of my kids? ”Time out, motherfucker. We take a day off.” Even Mickey Mouse did it. I said, this is the most unprofessional shit I have ever seen in my life. ”Rick James, bitch.” I was fed up. I caught that motherfucker with an uppercut. Knocked his head clean off. Everybody was screaming. ”Oh, my God. ”Mickey Mouse is Mexican.” I had a terrible time in Disney World. Disney World’s like another country anyway. They got their own currency. That shit is ridiculous. Soon as I check into the hotel: ”Welcome to Disney World, Mr. Chappelle. ”Can we interest you in some Disney dollars?” ”No, man, I’m cool. ”Can’t buy weed and pussy with Disney dollars. ”I’m on vacation.” I like them greenbacks. I like them greenbacks, you know what I’m saying? The kind of money people spend. People are very particular about that. One of the main stories from the war was…. The first big thing we did was they said, ”Now that Iraq has been liberated… ”we have managed to take Saddam Hussein’s face off of the money.” And I’m not gonna lie. When that press conference came on, I was choked up. I was actually proud to be an American… because that is a very subtle psychological nuance of oppression… to have a dictator on your money. And it’s thoughtful to be able to take that motherfucker off… for the goodwill of another person, right? But then I thought, if you could do that for Iraq, what about our money? Our money looks like baseball cards with slave owners on them. George Washington’s the worst of the worst. Yes, I said it. We mythologize this motherfucker like he was the greatest dude, man. If I went back in time with a white person… and we saw George Washington walking in front of our time machine… my white friend would probably say, ”Dave, look, there’s George Washington. ”The father of this great nation. I’m gonna go shake his hand.” I’d be on the other side like, ”Run, n i g g a! George Washington!” And we’d both be right. You like him because he wrote the Declaration of Independence and that shit. ”We hold these truths to be self-evident. ”All men are created equal.” ”Go get me a sandwich, n i g g a, or I’ll kill you.” ”Liberty, justice for all.” Am I wrong? Wait a minute, did he not own slaves? That’s all I’m saying. I almost protested the war in the beginning. Almost. Till I saw what happened to them Dixie Chicks. I said, ”Fuck that.” If they’ll do that to three white women, they will tear my black ass to pieces. I don’t wanna hear that shit. Yeah, man, they would. But I’m, like, for real, why do you care so much what the Dixie Chicks are saying? It’s not like they’re political scientists. They just can sing good… you know what I mean? Stop worshipping celebrities so much. Just don’t pay attention. I remember right around September 11, Ja Rule was on MTV. That’s what they said. ”We got Ja Rule on the phone. ”Let’s see what Ja’s thoughts are on this tragedy.” Who gives a fuck what Ja Rule thinks at a time like this? This is ridiculous. I don’t wanna dance. I’m scared to death. I want some answers that Ja Rule might not have right now. You think when bad shit happens to me, I’ll be in the crib like: ”God, this is terrible. Could somebody please… ”find Ja Rule? Get hold of this motherfucker so I can make sense of all this. ”Where is Ja? ”I need Ja Rule.” I don’t even know why people listen to me. I’ll say anything. I’ve done commercials for Coke and Pepsi. I don’t give a fuck what comes out of my mouth. I say what it takes. Whatever it takes, that’s what I’m saying. If you wanna know the truth, can’t even taste the difference. Surprise! All I know is, Pepsi paid me most recently… so it tastes better. That’s pretty much how the game goes. I’m just being real, man. There’s too much goo-gaa over celebrities. people don’t know what’s fake and what’s real anymore. That’s why Bill Cosby got in trouble. Look what happened to Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby said some real shit… and the whole world freaked out on him. For what? For having an opinion? Because he was selling pudding pops for the last 40 years… people forget that he’s a n i g g a from philly and the projects. And he might say some real shit from time to time. It’s not that big of a deal. I spoke at my old high school and I told them kids straight up. If you guys are serious about making it out of this ghetto… you gotta focus… you gotta stop blaming white people for your problems… and you’ve gotta learn how to rap… or play basketball or something, n i g g a. You’re trapped! You are trapped. Either do that or sell crack. That’s your only options. That’s the only way I’ve ever seen it work. You gotta entertain these white people. Gotta get to dancing. Go on out there and be somebody. I just hope they listen. This shit is ridiculous. People worship television. They worship this shit. You know, like, if you watch a movie. Say you’re watching a movie. One character says to another character: ”What’s your number, man?” What does the other character always say? ”555-5555.” You know why they gotta do that? Because stupid-ass people go to the movies… then go home and try to call the characters that they just saw. ”Hello, is Indiana Jones there?” No, motherfucker, he’s fake. It’s not his number. To be honest, this is the worst time in history to be a black celebrity. Fuck. They’re locking all our stars up. It’s hot right now for black celebrities. I knew it was bad when Kobe got in trouble. I said, this is a wrap for us. He’s one of the most wholesome dudes we had. And they lock him up and everything. And Kobe kept it together. Thank God he held his game together… because if he was cracking under pressure and getting like, six points a game… the whole of L.A. would be like, ”That n i g g a is guilty.” Kobe was playing his ass off. He was playing like his freedom depended on that shit. You see this motherfucker in them games… this n i g g a’s trying to beat that case on the court. Like the judge threw him the ball. ”play for your freedom.” If I could talk to Kobe, I’d say, ”Just relax, you’ll be fine, man.” ‘Cause the public is still giving Kobe the benefit of the doubt. He’s one of the few black celebrities getting that. Not cause he’s a celebrity, more because… the girl showed up with eight different semens to the investigation. You can’t do that. That’s seven too many. That’s a lot of semen. This bitch’s got Noah’s Ark in her panties. What’s she trying recreate humanity or something? She’s a collector. Every unsolved mystery, the answer might be in this girl’s panties. That’s the first place I’d look. OJ’s other glove is in there. Bigfoot’s footprint. Three CSI reruns is in that motherfucker. She’s got the most diabolical drawers ever. Fuck being a celebrity. This is not the time to be a black star. They’re locking all our stars up. Black celebrities. It’s a witch hunt for us, man. God damn it. It’s all OJ’s fault. Ever since OJ got away, white people just been locking up our stars, one by one. It’s true. And it’s all…. It’s not even OJ’s fault. It’s our fault. We celebrated too openly when OJ got acquitted. We should’ve been quiet about that shit. Soon as there’s, ”Not guilty,” n i g g a s are dancing. Oh, in your face, in your face. Hurts, don’t it? It hurts. Burns, doesn’t it, man? Oh, that justice system burns, doesn’t it? Welcome to my world, motherfucker, and all that shit. White people wanted OJ’s ass bad. The city of L.A. spent over $12 million just trying that motherfucker. And the look on white people’s faces when he was acquitted… priceless. And that’s why I don’t trip off being a celebrity. I don’t like it. I don’t trust it. One minute they all love you, the next thing you know… you’re in front of a courthouse dancing on top of a car… trying to figure out what the fuck happened to you. That’s what I’m waiting for… ’cause the timing of this Michael Jackson shit is what makes me doubt it. Every time there’s wars going out of control, or the economy is bad… or something is wrong with the world at large… it’s always these moments in history… that Michael Jackson will coincidentally… jerk off a kid. This is getting ridiculous. Are you planning this shit? You have meetings? ”Michael, thank you for coming. ”As you know, the war has not been going as well as we expected. ”There’s been a lot of hiccups, and the public is asking us… ”a lot of questions, of course… ”and well, Michael, there’s no nice way to say this… ”and all I know how to do is be direct, so let me just be direct. ”We’re gonna need you to jerk off another child, Mike. I’m sorry. ”I am sorry. ”But, it would really help out.” Or maybe he didn’t, who knows? That’s the thing, that’s what I wanted to say, who knows? Who the fuck knows? Mike, God, and this little boy knows. That’s about it. The only reason that I can even talk about this shit… is because everybody is speculating. They all think he did it. I don’t think he did it. I’m alone in this. I don’t think he did it. I’m not gonna say I don’t think he did it. That’s too strong. Let me just say I am reserving judgment… until all the facts come out. So far from what I heard…. I mean, the kid said he’s dying of cancer… he was in Make-A-Wish Foundation. He claims he had two weeks to live and it was his dying wish… to meet Michael Jackson. Come on, man, give me a fucking break. This kid is 10 years old. He don’t remember Thriller. What the fuck he want to meet Michael Jackson for? Honestly. I remember Thriller and I just, like, kind of want to meet this n i g g a. I wouldn’t break an appointment to meet him. I’ll put it that way. I’d have to already be free. That’s ridiculous. If I’m dying in two weeks and go: ”Mama, get me in a room with Chubby Checker”… I wouldn’t want to meet that motherfucker… not in my last two weeks. Why not Usher or somebody like this? So then the kid claims… he goes to Michael’s house. This is where it all gets crazy. He does everything that you’d expect at Michael’s house. They climbed trees and rode roller coasters and Ferris wheels. The chef made cookies, pies, and cakes. They was petting a monkey and giraffes, singing songs. Kid shit. And in the middle of all this childlike activity… for some reason… Mike put out some wine and some pills… and sucked this kid’s dick. Folks, it hurts me to say it. And the kid had the nerve to call that abuse. Motherfucker, that is a good host. God damn. What else do you want? I’m lucky to get a glass of grape drink at my friend’s house… let alone a roller coaster ride and my dick sucked. Mike must be confused like, ”I brought you in my house, I fed you… ”I sucked your dick, and this is how you repay me, motherfucker? ”This was your wish, not mine. ”Thought you were dying in two weeks. What happened to that? ”I’ve been in court for a year-and-a-half. You get stronger every time I see you.” Wouldn’t it…. This is fucked, though. I shouldn’t even say this. Wouldn’t it be some ironic shit… if they found out through this case that the cure for cancer… was Michael Jackson sucking your dick, somehow? Like if Mike had powers like Green Mile… and all the kids are like, ”please, Mike, suck on this.” ”Never again. ”They didn’t appreciate it.” ”Can we at least study your saliva?” ”please, Mike.” It doesn’t stop, though. It just doesn’t stop. And the only reason I can talk about Mike is ’cause he’s a freak. He is a freak. That’s why people let you talk about him. If I brought up Catholic priests fucking kids, it’d get quiet as shit. But when Michael Jackson does it, it’s okay, because he’s a freak. His face is all cut up. And just remember, when you look at that thing that he calls his face… that he did that for you somehow. Somehow he thought maybe it’ll help. ”Maybe people will like me more if I turn myself into a white… ”ghoulish-like creature.” I don’t know what it is… but he did it for you. And I appreciate the gesture, Michael Jackson. If you’re watching this, I appreciate that gesture… and I want you to know, fuck everybody. Dave Chappelle understands. ‘Cause you wanna know something? I’m getting some work done. Surprise. Yes. Nothing major. You wouldn’t know if I didn’t tell you… but it’s some shit I’m insecure about that I wanna work on. If you must know… I’m getting Botox done on my balls to get these wrinkles out. Finally, to have these just as smooth as eggs. Oh, I can’t wait. I cannot wait. And I’m not stopping there. That’s just phase one, baby. I’d be like Bob Vila, these old balls, I’m fixing them up. I’m plucking all the hair out. I gotta make room, I know this. I’m gonna tattoo a gangster-ass face on… with mean expressions, like this. Then I’ll grow the hair back on the bottom, so they got beards like me. Then I’m hitting that beach and looking for ball-suckers. I’m gonna wear some high shorts, like this. And walk up to women with a confidence I’ve never had before. ”pardon me, miss… ”I don’t mean to be rude… ”but do you suck balls?” ”Excuse me?” ”Miss, relax, you didn’t even let me finish. ”Do you suck these balls?” ”Oh, my God, those balls are as smooth as eggs. ”Yes, I’ll suck them.” I’ve played this scenario out in my mind a million times, ladies. That’s how it always ends, ”Yes, I’ll suck those balls.” All our stars. R. Kelly pissed on his victim. I know it was rough… but I mean, again, I can’t even judge R. Kelly. We don’t know if these allegations are true or not. Even if they are true, if you wanna know how I feel about it, honestly… if a man cannot pee on his fans… I don’t wanna be in show business anymore. Because that’s why I got in the game, baby. I got dreams, too. You guys are confusing the issue. While you guys are busy worrying about if R. Kelly even peed on this girl or not… you’re not asking yourself the real question… that America needs to decide once and for all. And that question is: ”How old is 15, really?” No, that’s a good question. I’m not saying that a person is as smart as they’re gonna be at 15. That’s not what I’m saying, man. But I am saying, 15 to me… is old enough to decide… whether or not you want to be pissed on. That’s me. If you can’t make a decision like that by the time you’re 15… then just give up, motherfucker, because life is way harder than that. I make tougher decisions all the time. You don’t wanna get pissed on, get out of the way. It’s not even a decision. If I start peeing on the front row they won’t have to calculate and think: ”How do I feel about this? Am I okay with it?” They just move! You can do that at 15. I could have. I’ve been 15. When I was 15, I was doing stand-up in nightclubs. I smoked reefer from time to time. My friends were selling crack. I was trying to finger-fuck people. I knew what was happening around me to some degree. Getting pissed on was the least of my worries at 15. Trust me. But it keeps coming up. There’s a lot of confusion around that age. Any time 15 comes up, people freak out… like when that girl Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped. Right? In Utah last year, a 15-year-old girl Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped… then they finally found her and the whole country was relieved. And I was the only one saying, ”Damn, she wasn’t that smart after all.” Not ’cause she got kidnapped. That could happen to anybody. I’m not knocking her for that. I’m just saying, if you kidnapped me when I was 15… you gotta take me further than 8 miles away from my house, man. God damn. You can’t hold me prisoner around shit I recognize. I’ll break away. Fuck off, that’s my bus stop. I know where I’m at. I’m going home. She was missing for six months 8 miles away from her house. That’s two exits, man. That’s nothing. While she was missing…. During this half a year that this girl was missing… there’s a 7-year-old black girl gets kidnapped in Philadelphia. Nobody knows her name. They might’ve talked about it a few times on the news… but she should’ve been the top story. She chewed through the ropes and had both of these motherfuckers in jail… in 45 minutes flat. Seven years old. I’m not making this up. These two crackheads kidnapped her, took her to the crackhouse and tied her up. And then they left her. They gotta make moves, crack to smoke, chocolate to eat. They made moves. They was out. Soon as they left, this little girl got to nibbling. She’s kidnapped at 4:00 and at home watching herself on the news at 5:30. That shit is crazy. That’s a news story. Now… meanwhile in Utah… 15-year-old Elizabeth Smart’s captors left her alone, too. And they didn’t even tie her up ’cause they’re hillbillies. They just bounced. ”Don’t try to escape, bitch, or we’ll kill you. Be right back.” They leave. And she’s 15 sitting in the house by herself. ”How am I gonna get out of this? ”Come on, Elizabeth, think. ”Think, Elizabeth, how am I gonna get out of here?” Just open the fucking door and go outside. Have you thought about that? You have a quarter? You know your phone number? You’re 15, bitch! Run! Stop thinking and start making moves! I know I sound mean. People are thinking when I’m saying this: ”Dave, she’s only 15.” All right, but that’s the discrepancy… ’cause when you talk about a little girl like Elizabeth Smart… then the country feels like 15 is so young and so innocent. On the flip side, here comes 15 again. Now we’re talking about a 15-year-old black kid in Florida. This black kid accidentally killed his neighbor… when he was practicing wrestling moves that he saw on TV. Now, was he a kid? No. They gave him life. They always try our 15-year-olds as adults. ”This n i g g a knew what he was doing. ”He’s a goddamn pile driver. ”This kid gets on the ropes, there’s no stopping him. ”We’d have to send The Rock to arrest him.” And they gave a 15-year-old boy… life in jail. If you think that it’s okay to give him life in jail… it should be legal to pee on him. That’s all I’m saying. You gotta make up your mind across the board… how old 15 actually is. That’s all I’m saying. I’m gonna tell you right now… if somebody comes in here, puts a gun to my head and says: ”Chappelle, you got a choice to make. ”You’re either going to jail for a month or we’ll let you go… ”but you gotta let R. Kelly pee on you.” I’m not hesitating. ”Bring in R. Kelly and tell him to stay away from my eyes.” I’d rather get pissed on on the outside than fucked in the butt on the inside. I can’t go to jail with some smooth Botox balls… and think everything’s gonna be all right. It’s not that kind of place. Take my chances with that piss. Piss will wash off with a 10-minute shower. I’m certain of it. ”This piss is coming right out. ”What could I do? They were gonna put me in jail.” Society is changing rapidly. You can’t smoke indoors. Society is changing rapidly. You can’t smoke indoors. What the fuck is that all about? I got kicked out of a titty bar for smoking. No, that shit was ridiculous. The stripper did it. The stripper came up like: ”Your smoking is a health risk for me. I don’t wanna work in this environment.” Bitch, you had your gonorrhea-infested pussy in my face. You started it. And they threw me out. It’s the dirtiest place I’ve ever been thrown out of. And just to give you an idea of what I mean by dirty…. Lap dances at this place: $3. It’s fucking disgusting. And at the same time, who could pass up a sale, son? It was $3! Of course I did it. It’s only 12 quarters. Said, ”I’ll break a five for that.” I’ve never seen somebody work this hard for $3. This lady must’ve been a throwback to the Great Depression. She was all over me. It’s the first time I ever told a stripper to get off me. ”All right. Yeah, thank you very much, miss. Thank you. ”That’ll be all. ”That’s enough, thanks. Hey, get off of me! ”Whatever happened to lipstick on the collar, lady? ”I have a shit streak on the middle of my shirt. ”How the fuck am I gonna explain this when I get home?” ”Oh, no, baby, me and Bob were playing basketball… ”and Bob dunked on me. He was hanging on the rim… ”and his pants fell down. ”I was checking up close and he was swinging… ”and his butt cheeks might’ve…. His butt cheeks, I think, caught my shirt. ”Why I was playing ball in my dress shirt? ”I don’t know. It was midnight. What the fuck? ”Just let me think.” That’s a guy lying, when he says shit like that. ”Hold on, just let me think.” Your man ever said that to you? ”Hold on, just let me think. Can I think?” You guys have made too much progress too fast. Not too much, but you’re just confused. You made so much progress… you even confused. Men and women, both like, ”What just happened?” Women got all this money now but they’re still like women. ”Oh, you never take me anywhere anymore.” You’d be thinking, ”Bitch, you got more money than me… ”you never take me anywhere anymore.” At the same time, you don’t treat a man like a man. You don’t cook, you don’t clean, and you don’t do anything a motherfucker says. You tell him what to do. Women do this to men all the time. ”Come on!” No man wants that shit. I don’t want anybody to tell me what to do that much. You gotta work with me. Like if it makes a man feel like a man… to watch the game, let him sit down and watch the game for a minute. If he happens to look over at you while watching the game… don’t look at him all mean and make him feel guilty about watching it. Pick up your own titty and suck it. Just try it out. He will instantly remember why he fell in love. ”Oh, that’s right… ”I forgot my girl sucks her own titties from time to time. ”I can’t walk away from that. ”It’s too hard to find.” See? That took 20 seconds. You can be just as busy as you want… suck your own titty and everything’s cool. Or how about this? If you’re making love to your man, might as well spice it up, right? How about this? I personally like it. I like it when a girl tells me where to come. Don’t like it when she tells me when to come. I hate it. ”Don’t come yet.” Oh, bitch, all these rules! Instead of doing that, why don’t you just tell us where? It would make us feel better. Especially if you’re aggressive about it. I like it when a girl gets wild with me. ”Come in my face!” Stick your chin out like a boxer. ”Bring it on, motherfucker. ”You’re a bum.” But it doesn’t have to be that wild or explicit. All a man wants to know is you’re interested and will participate. You can say anything, he’ll be happy. ”Come on top of the television.” All right, fine. The weirder the place, the better. ”Come in my fishbowl.” Damn, fishbowl. ”Oh, shit, they’re eating it all.” Fish love it when I come over. ”It’s that guy. We’re having chicken tonight.” You guys, man, thanks. This has been the best year of my career. By far. I appreciate you guys watching me. ‘Cause I do it for my kids, really. And my kids are off the hook. You think I’m a bad motherfucker, wait till you see the 2000 model Chappelle. This n i g g a is off the hook. My sons are bad. My oldest son is three. This kid made me a necklace out of macaroni. I said, ”This shit is baller.” He painted the macaroni green and put it on a string. He tied it on my neck and he told me he was proud of me and I got choked up. And he thought I was sad. That’s how smart he was. He says, ”Are you sad, Daddy?” And I said, ”No, I’m not sad. ”You’re too young to understand this, son, but this is fucking crazy. ”You used to live in my balls, man. ”Now you’re making jewelry out of macaroni. You’re a bad motherfucker.” Long live Chappelles. Oh, shit. Thanks, guys. Thank you. That’s what it’s all about. Everybody usually wants to be famous… so they can rock nice jewelry and all that shit. I already got a macaroni necklace. I got valuable shit. I’m not in it for that. The only kind of shit I wanna do with fame that’s decadent… is I wanna go to Vegas to the $5,000 blackjack table. And I don’t even wanna play. I wanna be such a big star that I can go up to one of the players in a tight hand… and put my dick on his shoulder. And I’m such a celebrity, they think it’s funny. ”Hey, what the fuck? ”Oh, shit, Dave Chappelle! ”Wow.” He gets on his cell phone: ”You are not gonna believe whose dick is on my shoulder right now. ”And this guy’s balls are as smooth as eggs. ”He’s had some work done.” Couldn’t thank you enough. God bless you all, man. Keep watching. I’m gonna try to make it interesting. Stay safe.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BILL BURR: YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME (2012) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-people-2012-full-transcript/

[Crowd chatter] Ladies and gentlemen: Bill Burr! [Cheers and applause] All right. Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, sir. How are ya? How’s it going? All right. [Cheers and applause] All right, all right, all right, all right. All right, everybody settle down. I wanna get a gun. I do. I really do. I never had that feeling before till I moved out to Los Angeles. This city just messes with your mind, you know? It’s overpopulated, technically doesn’t have a water supply. Right? The dollar’s crashing. Shit keeps you up at night. You’re just thinking… “What am I gonna do when the zombies come?” Right? Start reading up on shit. “Get some powdered food. Plant some zucchini. Get a windmill.” Right? And that’s all well and good, but if you don’t know how to fight, all you’re doing is gathering supplies for the toughest guy on the block. Right? I was thinking about that. What am I gonna do if some dude turns me upside down, starts shaking the gold coins outta my pockets? I gotta get a gun. So I’m on the road, right? I’m in Reno. Great gun town. So I go down to that little gun store, right? Come walking in. There’s some redneck there. I’m like, “Hey, man.” I go, “I wanna get a gun.” He’s like, “I hear ya. Whatcha looking for? Whatcha want? Mossberg? Over/under? A .357 Magnum? Right?” Starts rattling off all this gibberish, right? I don’t know shit. I’m trying to play it off. I feel like a bitch, ’cause I don’t know anything about guns. So I was like, “What do I do here? Ah, hell, I’m gonna go with honesty.” I go, “Look, dude, I don’t know anything about guns. They terrify me. But I’m worried about the zombies. All right?” Dude’s just like… “You need a shotgun. You need a shotgun, man. It’s got a good spread. It’s easy to load, doesn’t have a lot of working parts. Got a good spread.” He kept saying that. “It’s got a good spread.” I’m like, “What does that mean?” He goes, “Well, that means you ain’t gotta be that accurate. It’s got a good spread. Further away you are, the more shit you hit. It’s got a good spread. In fact, you got a problem over here, you ain’t even gotta look. You just turn… pow! That’s it. You ain’t got a problem over here anymore. Anything that was even remotely a problem ain’t there anymore. Trust me. And then these people here… they saw what you just did here. You ain’t got a problem here either… feel me? 90 degrees taken care of right there… one shot. These people get smart, flip it over… whap! That’s it. It’s got a good spread.” So I’m, like, laughing my ass off. I’m like, “Dude, look. I just wanna shoot the guy. I don’t want to have to do a bunch of drywall work. You know? Reframe my diploma. Get my parakeet another friend. You know? I just wanna shoot the guy.” So I’m like, “You know, how ’bout one of these pistols?” So he does, like, that classic, like, that redneck trailing off thing like, “All right, you want a pistol, go ahead and get a pistol… What do I know? I just been here 20 years. Get a shiny one, right?” So I was like, “What’s wrong with getting a pistol?” He goes, “I’ll tell you why, buddy. ‘Cause life… Life ain’t a movie. You feel me?” I’m like, “No, can you please stop speaking in these backwoods riddles? Can you just say what you’re saying? I told you I don’t know shit about guns. Come on, do me a solid here.” He goes, “Look, you ever watch a movie, guy goes blaw, blaw, blaw… he kills three people. Real life, man, you miss. You miss all the fucking time. You miss enough times, man, you’re empty. Might as well juts be standing there with a big stapler in your hand. Then what ya gonna do?” I was like, “Well, fuck it. Let’s get the shotgun.” He’s all ready to box the thing up, and then I’m like, “Wait a minute.” I live with my girl. I can’t just show up with a shotgun, right? That’s not some shit you can just come home with. If I found this stool on the side of the road, I can come home with this. Look at it! We can refinish it. We can carve our initials in it. We can have a good time, right? I can’t just show up with a shotgun. “Hey, I got it for us!” Right? One barrel for you, one for me. No. So she kiboshes the whole thing. Till the other night somebody broke into our car sitting in the driveway. Starts fucking with her head, right? So she starts reading up on guns, you know? But she’s reading too much, ’cause now she wants to get one, but she’s just like, “Well, I heard you gotta keep the bullets in a safe, keep the stock in the garage.” And then what? Then what, I run around the house and assemble it as some dude’s chasing me with an ax, you know? Are you even thinking this thing through, sweetheart? Running around. “Where… where’s the scope?” “It’s in the living room.” “He’s in the living room!” No, if we’re getting this thing, I want that fucking thing loaded right on the bedroom wall, right there. I’ll put that thing in my jam-jam sleeves. Whoof! just like that. There’s no other point. It’s funny, though, when you talk about getting a gun, you know? People, like, they’re either totally for it or completely against it, you know? They either go nuts and start screaming, right? Or they start throwing out those stats: “You know, actually, you increase your chances of getting shot by 80% the second you get a gun in the house.” Really? What, ’cause I’m gonna load it and shower with it, like… uhh… uh… uhh… The fuck? I know it’s dangerous. You get a pool in your backyard, you immediately increase your odds of drowning in your backyard, right? You couldn’t do that before. Now you step on a rake, in you go! No, I’m telling you, I don’t buy into any of that shit. Stats are so fucking stupid, you know? Not that they’re stupid. It’s the way people apply ’em. You already have your mind made up, and then you go to i’mright.com, you start memorizing a bunch of shit, then you just… blaaah! Just throw it up at people. This guy tried to get me to go scuba diving. I go, “I’m not going. I don’t wanna get eaten by a shark.” He’s like, “Well, actually, 90% of shark attacks actually happen in shallow water.” It’s like, no shit. That’s where the people are. You know? It’s called the beach. 90% of people are frolicking along the coastline. It’s not like there’s people swimming to Europe. “Let’s go to Iceland, you pussies!” Right? I don’t know. But I actually like Los Angeles. One of the few east coast people that likes it. All my moron New York friends and Boston friends, they come out there, try to get a good slice of pizza at 4:00 in the morning. And they can’t. Like, “This fucking place sucks! It’s not like exactly where I left. What’s the point of traveling if it’s gonna be different?” That’s so fucking stupid. Get a burrito and go on a hike. What’s wrong with you? You gonna go to Hawaii… “There’s no pond hockey! This place sucks!” I got to admit, the only thing that freaks me out about Los Angeles is all the plastic surgery. I don’t get it. Why do people get plastic surgery, you know? Why can’t you just admit it’s over? You know? You had your time. Stop trying to look fuckable in your 50s. It’s weird! With their faces yanked back… Looking all shiny, right? Not to mention they haven’t even figured it out, you know? Why would you get a face-lift? Can’t you look at other face-lifts and realize they haven’t worked all the bugs out yet? That’s what you wanna look like? Like you just lost a fight three days ago? Don’t be a hero. Let somebody else go in there… Take the fucking beach. You lay back… Wait it out. They’re just lying to people. “No, no, it looks great. Looks great. Put a little ice on it, we’ll see you in a couple of weeks. All right, take it easy. Jesus Christ! What the fuck happened? We followed every step. Did we miss something? Oh, hey, hey, hey! Oh, here’s your keys. Here’s your keys. There you go, there you go. Almost didn’t recognize you, you look so young. All right, take it easy. She gone? All right, she’s gone. Shred everything. Shred it!” No, you’re nuts. You wait it out. Let ’em figure it out, then you fucking go in. Don’t be a goddamn hero, you know? Look at hair plugs. Hair plugs don’t look half bad now. Saw this guy the other night on TV. He’s like, “Oh, god, I wish I did this ten years ago.” It’s like, no, you don’t! Ten years ago, when they were stapling ant legs to the tops of people’s heads? Remember that? Your eyes would water looking at their hairline… like, “Is that sewn in? I see pine tar!” They used to put you in, like, a headlock. “Hold still!” Use, like, a nail gun. “Hold still!” Guys would tap out after a row and a half. “Fuck it! I don’t give a shit!” You wish you got hair plugs ten years ago. Do you wish you got polio 60 years ago? What else is on your wish list, sir? No, you don’t fuck with your face… Okay? I understand liposuction. They screw that up, you can put on a shirt, right? There’s no shirt for your face. Who do they think they’re fooling with their stupid… You know? And then you lie to yourself: “I’m just gonna do a little… just gonna do this. Just gonna have this done.” No, you’re not. You’re not. What, are you just gonna wax the Fender on your car then that’s it, and the rest of it looks all shitty? “Well, maybe I’ll just do the hood. And maybe I’ll do the back.” That’s how it happens. Then you look like one of those real housewives… Face all twisted up. Fucking idiots. “Hey, do I look… ” [laughter] yeah, they’re idiots! “Do I look like I’m in my 20s?” No, you look weird. You look fucking weird. You still look like you’re in your 50s. I just can’t guess what year anymore because I’ve never seen that year. I’ve never seen that shiny fucking look. It’s almost like you discovered a new age between 52 and 53. Yeah. People, there’s nothing wrong with being 52 and looking 52, all right? You’re 52. You didn’t get fucked. [Applause] Yeah. What would you rather be… 52 and look 52 or be 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard? All right? That’s your options at this point. [Laughs] You know what’s really… like actually embarrassing is that the face-lift… that’s predominately a white problem. Have you noticed that? I’ve never seen a black person with a face-lift ever other than like the Jacksons. But they’re all out of their minds, right? ‘Cause their dad made ’em rehearse all day and sleep in the fireplace. Like jamming all nine… “Get in there, you bastards!” No hugs, no kisses. His face permanently twisted up from 50 years of screaming, “Sing, motherfucker!” It’s understandable with them. [Laughs] Hey, do you know why so many whities need face-lifts? I love that word. I’m trying to bring it back. I love it, it’s funny. Whitey! You know why? Do you know why so many caucasians need face-lifts? ‘Cause we don’t know about lotion. See that? Only half of you laughed. That should’ve been everybody. Yeah, but a lot of you were sitting there like, “Well… What about lotion? “What is this lotion you speak of, and what is the magic therein?” Just to put it out there, you can use lotion on other parts of your body besides your dick. Yeah. If you ever wondered why your dick still looks brand-new but the rest of you is starting to look like an aging pirate, it’s ’cause you need to increase the circumference of the lotion distribution. All right? You got skin everywhere. Go home. Check yourself out. The bottom of your feet look like a prehistoric riverbed. That’s not part of the natural aging process. You’re dried out. I’m not judging you. Not judging anybody. I didn’t know anything about lotion. Never used it the first 33 years of my life. Never used it. Till one night I was going out with this black girl, right? She was getting ready, and she was just putting that shit on everywhere. Just slathering it on. I thought she had, like, a rash or something. I’m like, “What, do you got, like, poison Ivy? What’s going on with you?” She goes, “No, I’m just making sure I’m not ashy.” I said, “Ashy?” She goes, “Dry skin.” And I went, “Oh!” I guess I freaked her out a little bit, ’cause I was like, “Oh!” She was like, “Well, white people get ashy too.” I was like, “Yeah, you know, I don’t think we do.” [Laughter] “Yeah, I been alive for 33 years. No one has ever said, ‘Hey, Bill, you’re looking a little ashy.’ I never even heard that word until you said it.” She’s like, “You’re an idiot. Stick out your arm.” So I stick out my arm, and ever so gently, she just drags her nails down. This smoke starts coming up. It’s like pastry flakes flying off. Track marks. She’s signing her name. She’s like, “You see that?” She goes, “That’s ashy. You’re ashy.” Freaked me out. I’m like, “Holy shit, I’m ashy!” I didn’t know anything about it. All I knew was that I always got itchy in the winter. Couldn’t figure it out. Always got itchy in the winter. Why the fuck do I get itchy? I thought it meant the bath towel was dirty. That’s what I thought. And I would change it out and put a fresh one. “Now I’m gonna be okay.” Take a shower. Dry off. Fucking itching again. God damn it, I hate the winter. See, that’s why you gotta hang out with everybody. [Laughter] Yeah. There’s too much information in the world, and every group of people misses a little bit. White people totally missed the lotion seminar at some point in history. I don’t know if it’s ’cause we can’t see it, you know? Black people get ashy, it like looks like they, like, leaned up against a chalkboard or something, you know? They can see it! They miss it, their friends help ’em out. Like, “Look at your ashy motherfucking elbow! What is wrong with you?” Right? [Applause] We missed that shit the way black people missed the whole register your weapons summit. Right? Just never got the information. The amount of rappers who’ve been busted for the unregistered glock in the car just blows my mind. It’s like, why would you do that to yourself? Do you just wanna make an album over the phone? Is that what it is? Is that, like, the new auto-tune or some shit? I don’t know. It breaks my heart every time I see it. I just think, “God, if he just had one white friend… If he just had one white friend in his entourage…” Dude would have been sitting there going like, “Is that thing registered? You outta your mind? Dude, get it outta there. Get it outta there. Yeah, it’s illegal! That’s, like, fucking three to five, mandatory! Dude, how do you not know that? That’s the question. How do you not fucking know that? This guy’s got an unregistered weapon in the car, and we’re just gonna go driving around with it. It’s just… it’s just ridiculous!” [Laughter] So see? There ya go, all right? You don’t need a face-lift, okay? Lay off the booze. Do some cardio. Moisturize. You’re gonna be fine. Okay? Don’t believe in these myths. Black don’t crack. It’s bullshit. They all put lotion on, like, every 20 minutes during the day. It’s ridiculous! They all got a giant oil drum with the shit at home. Every morning, they wake up, they dunk themselves in it, shake themselves off, and walk out the door absolutely glistening! Glistening! White guys like me are walking around, no hat on… “Uh, let’s go sailing!” Passing out facedown in the sand. [Laughs] Speaking of no boozing, man, I been really trying to clean up my act as far as that boozing thing goes. Just really been laying off it, you know? I don’t know what it is. Your fucking head gets big as you get older, you know? You keep boozing, you start getting that big Alec Baldwin / John Travolta head. And you don’t notice though, ’cause every day, you’re brushing your teeth and you’re seeing your head, and it’s just getting a little bit bigger. Keep drinking. “I’ll have another one” right? Then one day you go to take that cell phone picture, and you’re just, like, 6 inches in front of everybody else. You don’t think it’s a big deal. Maybe you leaned in, ’cause you’re feeling good, right? Then all of a sudden, you look at the picture. It’s like, “Fucking yeah! Whoo!” It’s like, “I gotta lay off this shit.” So I’ve been trying to learn… learn how to fix shit around the house. That’s what’s filling up all this time of just being sober. That’s brutal, dude. You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober. It’s fucking brutal. So I’m learning how to fix shit, right? My girlfriend doesn’t like it ’cause she says I have a temper, you know? She’s like, “You know, it’s just not that you’re trying to fix things, it’s that you get frustrated, you punch the wall, the dog starts shaking. I just don’t think it’s a good idea. You know, you’re a comedian. You should tell jokes. He’s a plumber. He should plumb, right?” [Laughs] I’m trying to explain to her that losing your shit is part of the process of fixing something, right? Everybody does that. [Applause] Right? Yeah! You buy something at Ikea. You get halfway through putting it together. You’re like, “Dude, where the fuck is the fucking… oh, there it is. There it is. There it is. Honey, I didn’t see it. I didn’t see it! Why, you wanna put it together? You wanna… well, then you put it together. You put together this fucking particle board piece of fucking shit. These instructions make no sense! I will buy another one! I will buy another one. I’ll buy fucking five and smash four if I want to. Don’t tell me what to do! Oh, go to your mother’s. I don’t give a shit. Jesus Ch… yeah, what story you gonna tell? This one, right? Not the part about how I pay all the fucking bills, right? How was that uncalled for? How was that uncalled for? I wasn’t even talking to you! I was talking to the fucking thing! I was talking to the fucking thing! I know what I said. I know what I said, okay? You don’t need to tell me. I know what I said, yes. I am working on it. I am working on it, all right? Look… look, you think I wanna be this guy? You think I wanna be the guy who flips out about the fucking tables? I don’t, okay? This isn’t who I am. This is who I became, all right? I’m working through this shit. You didn’t have to speak… well, you do shit too, okay? You do shit too. Well, I thought you were going to your mother’s!” [Laughter] No, it’s brutal. I hate having a temper, man. It’s fucking embarrassing. You know? I don’t know. I’m sick of women trying… every girl I ever date’s always trying to fix me. Gets annoying after a while, you know? Like you’re not out of your mind with all your fucking shoes? Right? What is that all about? I’m sick of this hypothetical perfect guy. Go get him. Go down to Applebee’s, let me know what you find. Okay? I’ve had it. I’m working, I’m trying. You go down and you get this “Mr. even-keeled all the time” with his little fucking sport coat, right? You live with that guy for a while, you know? “Hey, honey, I’m home. How are ya? Traffic was crazy. Almost lost it, but thank god I had that book on tape, right? Gulliver’s travels. Always a classic. Always a classic.” That’s the guy you want, straight across the board? Even in the bedroom, right? Always making love to you missionary style. “I love you. Your hair is like an ocean.” Never knowing you like to be flipped over and have your face mushed into the pillows, you fucking psycho, right? [Laughs] Naw, she’s right. She’s always right. I do, I gotta work on it. I hate having a temper, you know? I don’t know if it’s hereditary. I don’t know if it’s part of the country I’m from. I’ve always snapped, you know? My dad was like that. My dad‘s the greatest dude I ever met in my life, and he had a temper. Anytime anything broke in the house, five minutes into fixing it, he was bitching about his marriage. [Laughs] It was hilarious. He’d see something broke… “Oh, Christ, will you look at that? Goddamn it, Billy, gimme that fucking screwdriver. I swear to god, I don’t know what the fuck I ever got married for. 13 goddamn years of this shit. You’re a bitch, lady! You been a bitch for years. Give me the pliers. Yeah, most guys would’ve left by now! Most guys would’ve left by now!” [Laughs] That was one of his catchphrases: “Most guys would’ve left by now” and “You don’t know how fucking good you got it, lady!” [Laughter] Yeah, when I was a kid, I thought he was nuts. Then I got older, you know, started dating. I realized, “Eh, this guy’s making a lotta good points.” [Laughter, applause] “He’s not expressing them in the healthiest of ways.” I gotta be honest with you. I’m kinda, like, jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes, you know? Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on, you know? When did they stop making those angels who just knew it had nothing to do with them. They’d just sit there, let you blow out the lines, right? What a luxury… Right? To fail all day, you come home and download all your insecurities on this other person. “How was your day?” “How the fuck was your day? I’m out here making decisions! Take these kids away from me. Get me a goddamn drink. Oh, with the tears!” [Laughs] Then the bra-burning generation came in, right? Now you gotta sit there and listen to their stories all the time. Oh, it’s the worst. You know what’s the worst? Is when they’re telling you a story and you wanna listen, but just what they’re talking about, you can’t even retain it. “So I was supposed to go out to lunch with Jennifer. I’m all ready to do that. I show up. She’s there with Susan. She knows I hate Susan. I look like shit. Susan’s been going to the gym.” I mean, at that point, your head is like a newborn baby. You’re trying to… Trying to hold it up, you know? You can’t! Even if you try to pay attention, you can’t. You just start staring at their mouth after a while, like, “I can’t believe it keeps coming out. This is fucking unbelievable.” Like, “rrhh-rrhh-rrhh rrhh-rrhh-rrhh.” It starts fading off… “Eehh-eehh-eehh-eehh-eehh…” You start thinking about your own life, right? “Why’d I take Nebraska giving 28? What the fuck is wrong with me? It’s an away game.” All of a sudden, her voice goes “eehh-eehh… ” it goes up, all right? “Eehh-eehh-eet.” Like, “Aw, fuck. That was a question.” [Laughter, applause] All right, now what do you do? Can’t say yes. You can’t say no. You gotta come with something neutral. “Eh, what the fuck you gonna do? What are ya gonna do? It is what it is. You put one foot in front of the other, and, uh…” Halftime adjustments. Uh… Got nothing. [Laughs] No. I don’t wanna make my dad out like a psycho. My dad’s the best dude I know, man. But you know, I understand him, though. He’s like the exact opposite of me, you know? I planned out my life a little more, right? That’s why I never got married. Never thought about getting married. It just looked horrific. It looked really difficult. It looked like a lot of ’em failed. Then if you had a kid, you had that whole weird situation, right? You got this thing that half looks like you, half looks like somebody you used to love and now wanna slap the shit out of, right? Kid’s coming up to the walk. You’re like, “Son, just look to the right a little. Let me just kinda… ” “But, dad, I wanna look at ya.” [Laughs] It’s brutal! My dad was the exact opposite. Fell in love, got married, just started having kids. Had five kids by the time he was 33. Pre-Oprah, pre-Dr. Phil, pre- chicken soup for the “Holy fuck, I got five kids. I don’t even know who I am yet.” The pressure of that, feeding all those kids, man. I’m telling you. Every three or four days, he would just snap. Just snap outta nowhere, you know? “Can you pass the salt?” “Ah, you fucking bitch! What the fuck did I get married for, it’s bullshit!” Boom! he’d slam the door, have the car in third gear by the time he got it to the end of the driveway. Buh-buh-bah-bah! My mother would always do the exact same shit. Just lock the door behind him, turn around, look at the kids, and just be like… “Sss. eesh!” [Laughter] “Now, he’s just crazy. He’s just a crazy person. What is wrong with him?” Eight hours later, he’d show up. No apology. She’d have dinner ready. She messed it up, he’d give her a rough time. “Christ, you cooked the shit out of it!” [Laughs] I don’t know. I think I’ll be a good dad, though. You know? [Laughter] I do. [Laughs] No, analyze it. Actually, it’s finally come to the point, I wanna have a kid, and I don’t think it’s that hard. I don’t. Part of me really believes that, and the other part is I just like pissing off people with kids, you know? Whenever you say shit like that… “Dude, you have no idea how difficult it is!” This is a great one to say. “Well, I mean, I got a dog, I mean… You know? How much diff… ” “Dude, you can’t even fucking compare it to a dog!” “Yeah, I can. I just did, and I’ll do it again. Mine’s got four legs. Yours only has two. Go ahead. Yours bites someone, it gets a time out. Mine gets put down. Stakes are raised.” No, I think I know. I think I know how to raise a kid. You know what it is? You just play catch with ’em. I think that’s the big deal. That’s how you raise a kid. You play catch with ’em. And you just talk about life. You distract ’em by throwing the ball. They don’t even notice you’re filling their heads up with your theories. Right? You don’t do it the old-school way the way your parents used to. Sit down across from you… “You wanna tell me about your day? Did anybody offer you any drugs? You learning about sex?” You’re like, “Dude, you’re fucking freaking me out! Trying to eat a pop-tart here” right? No, you just take him in the back. You play catch with him. That’s it. You talk about life, right? “What’s that, son? Ah, we’re not going to church today. Fuck that. Ah, it’s all a bunch of bullshit. God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down there to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe ya money? Go fuck yourself. That’s stupid. It’s ridiculous. It’s in here, all right? It’s not down… it’s in here. They try to take it. It’s in here. You do something good, you feel good. You do something bad, you feel bad, you know? Unless you’re, like, a sociopath, then you don’t feel shit, you know? Unless you got somebody duct-taped upside down in your apartment, you know? If you do something like that, I want you to feel like you can come to me, you know? Yeah, come to me. Confess all of that. We’ll go down to the precinct. We’ll tell them everything. Yeah, I’m gonna turn you in. This isn’t fucking Dexter. What are you, out of your mind? Gonna have some feel-good serial killer walking around. He only kills the bad people.” [Laughter] “Listen, I know your mother and I, we’ve been arguing a lot lately, all right? But you know I love her. I love her to death, okay? It’s weird. I love her to death, but when I watch her eat toast, just wanna… I just wanna choke her. I don’t know what it is. It’s the routine… right, left, then the middle. Why don’t you just fold it in half and fucking eat it? You know what I mean? It’s unreal, you know? That’s when you know, you know, you met the right one. When you wanna slap the shit out of them, but you don’t. You know? You wanna leave, but you don’t. There’s something about ’em… You just can’t fucking leave. Right? So don’t settle down till you meet one like that. That’s when you know. Till then, you don’t put a condom on, you know? Just bang as many as you can so you don’t have a midlife crisis. That’s what you do. Don’t tell your mother I’m telling you any of this shit either.” [Laughing] [Cheers and applause] Yeah. That’s my, uh… That’s my game plan. You know, I do have a dog. That doesn’t count for anything? Never understood that, you know? I love my dog, but, uh… I’ve learned a lot being a dog owner, man, you know? Any dog’s a good dog unless you’re a psycho. You know? I got a pit bull. It’s still a great dog, unless you’re a fucking psycho. And evidently, I’m a psycho, because my dog has been… just been a complete maniac over the last, like, six months, you know? I didn’t realize that dogs feed off your vibes, you know? Like if you’re chillin’, they’re chillin’, you know? If you’re sleeping, they’re sleeping. But if you’re a psycho like me and you’re screaming at the ref on TV, being like, “Dude, you gotta be fucking kidding me!” I didn’t realize the dog was over in the corner being like, “Yeah, you gotta be fucking kidding me. This is bullshit! I don’t know what this guy’s mad at, but I love this guy! This guy feeds me… Is it the door? Are ya mad at the door?” [Laughter] Yeah. I had no idea I was amping this dog up. I’m so selfishly in my own world. I’d be like on the computer, it’d crash. “Oh, really? Really?!” Dog’s over in the corner with, like, a chew toy. [Growling] I never noticed, like, that game-seven look she was gettin’ on her face. And one day, I amped her up too much, had no clue, and I went outside. We were just walking down the street, and some poor bastard comes the other way and the dog’s like, That’s that motherfucker! Aaaahhh!” Lunges at this guy! I had to pull her back. I’m like, “Dude, I’m sorry, man, I’m sorry. She’s never done anything like that” right? Looking down at the dog like, “What’s wrong with you?” Dog’s looking up at me like, “Huh? I got that son of a bitch, didn’t I? I love you! You feed me. I got you. How the hell did you see him that far away, man? Your ears must be better than mine… it’s unbelievable.” Right? Then I got nervous. I got nervous around my own dog. I started thinking, “Fuck, are pit bulls really like this? Do they just go psycho? Man, this is nuts” right? That’s another bad vibe to have around your dog, ’cause they pick up on that vibe, right? This dude comes walking down the street, and I immediately just start thinking like, “Oh, shit, she gonna do it again? Oh, shit, oh, shit.” Dog just looks at me like, “Oh, shit, what? Oh, shit, what? Him? Him, him? Rrraaaah!” Runs at another guy. Gotta pull her back. “Jesus Christ, I’m sorry!” Looking down at the dog. Dog’s trying to chest bump me and shit, right? Dude, it got so bad one day, she almost ate a landscaper, right? Yeah! so I’m like, “I gotta take this thing to a trainer, man.” So I load it up in the Prius and I drive over there, right? [Laughter] Yeah, I have a Prius. Go ahead, judge me. I love that shit. If you have a Prius, people… you know? You can’t win. You got a truck with a big lift kit… people, “Oh, it’s probably ’cause he has a little dick.” How come it’s not ’cause he has a dick down to the floor? Maybe that’s why he needs all that clearance, right? [Laughter] You know? [Laughs] And if that means you have a little dick, then if I have a Prius, doesn’t that mean I have a huge dick, right? ‘Cause according to my friends, it means I’m a fag, right? Anyways… Let me towel off here for a moment. So I fucking take this dog down to this trainer, right? And I show up, got the dog in the back. Trainer comes out. He’s got his hat on backwards, he’s got stubble, you know? Big, large cargo pants, you know? All shorts on and stuff and I’m thinking, “This guy’s a psycho” right? And I look at my dog, my dog’s, like, sizing him up. I’m like, “This is perfect. He can handle her.” So the guy goes, “All right, when you hand this dog to me, make sure you got the leash totally taut like that, all right? Don’t have any slack in it.” I said, “No problem” right? And somehow I fucked up. I left a little slack in it, and this dog just lunged right at the dude’s balls. Right? And just barely missed him and just got a big mouthful of his big cargo shorts, right? And immediately he just grabs her and goes, “All right, get outta here! Get outta here!” Right? But instinctually, I tried to help out. He just goes, “Get the fuck outta here!” Yeah, I didn’t realize that the only reason why the dog was acting like that was because I was there and it felt like it needed to protect me. So the second I left, the situation immediately just became awkward, right? Dog was just sitting there like, [valley accent] “Okay, like I thought were, like, together and we were, like, friends, and you were some bad guy, and all of a sudden, he just drove away, and I don’t know how to feed myself. You wanna be friends?” Yeah, I come back four days later. The dog’s laying at the guy’s feet, right? He’s rubbing her belly. She’s reaching up, playing with his goatee and shit. And he goes, “Go ahead, have a seat. Why don’t you, uh, take me through your day with this dog.” Immediately, I started getting, like, this first 48 vibe, right? Like they’re coming at me. So I got like defensive. I’m like, “What do you mean? I take it for a hike every morning.” He goes, “That’s good. That’s good. Anything, you know, special happen on the hike?” I’m like, “Well, I don’t know. She takes a shit. I pick it up.” He’s like, “All right. Easy. You play any games with her?” I go, “Yeah, at the end of the hike. I let her, you know, for reward for going on the hike, I let her run up the stairs by herself. I go, ‘Go on, Cleo!’ I let her run up the stairs, and I count 5-1,000, and then I run up there, and then we start wrestling. Put her in a headlock. Sweep her front legs. Haaaah! Right? But her tail’s wagging, you know? She’s not growling.” I go, “That’s a good thing, right?” He’s like, “No, it’s fucking horrible.” I’m like, “Why?” He goes, “You just taught your dog to claim the house and then fight for it every fucking day after the hike. No wonder this thing’s trying to attack the mailman, you know?” So then I got upset. I’m like, “Wait a minute, dude, you’re telling me, like, I can’t even play with my dog?” He’s like, “No, you can play with it, but you gotta bring that energy back down. The problem is you keep amping this thing up, getting that Mike singletary look on his face. Then by the time you walk out, doesn’t matter if you’re relaxed… mentally, the dog is like walking through the tunnel at the Rose bowl like, ‘this is what we play for! somebody hit somebody!'” Yeah, so I’m actually learning to control my temper because of a fucking pit bull. So… I don’t know. My girl’s been bugging me lately. She’s ready to settle down. I think I’m ready to settle down, too, you know? I got the want. I know I been saying this shit for years. I have been, you know? She’s great. The only thing I don’t like is she’s really into reality TV. She watches all those dumb shows. Put ten whores in a house, somebody tries to find a wife. Right? She watches fat people cry about fudgsicles. Just blubbering their eyes out. “Sometimes I don’t even open the wrapper. I just start eating, and then I get down to the stick, and I know I should stop ’cause it’s made out of wood.” She sits there crying right along with ’em. Ah, throw yourself in the river, you fat fuck. Ah, she gets so mad at me. Look, I don’t put on TV to cry. I like to be entertained. I love when they fall on the treadmill and go flying into the drywall. It’s like some modern-day medieval weapon! I love it! All those horrific shows. Biggest fights we have, she watches, uh, intervention. – Yeah. – That’s, uh… you like that? “Oh, my god, it’s so awesome watching a family completely fall apart.” [Laughs] What is entertaining about that? When they have that classic before picture, the pre-meth picture… “She was so beautiful. She was the prom queen. Everybody loved her.” Then they cut to her, like, laying in, like, a gutter… “I’ll suck your dick. I’ll suck your dick. I’ll suck your dick.” [Laughs] No, we have these huge battles. You know what the maddest she ever got at me was? One time she was watching this show. It was like a poor excuse for The View, and they started talking about domestic violence, right? For the 9 millionth time this year, they’re talking about domestic violence. Just in case, you know, you didn’t get the memo, you know? Evidently, you know, just some people didn’t get it. It’s not okay to slam your wife’s head into the cupboard drawers because she didn’t dry the can opener off properly, you know? “It’s gonna fuckin’ rust!” Right? How do you not know not to do that shit? Do they really have to keep talking about it? Who… who… it’s like wife beaters are watching… “Oh! Fuck! Ah! “Now I get it. Upsy-Daisy, sweetheart. Here we go. There ya go. Oh…” So at the end of the hour, they come to the logical conclusion. They’re like, [effeminately] “There is no reason to hit a woman. There is no reason to hit a woman.” And I was just like, “Really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head. You could wake me from a drunken stupor, I could still give you, like, nine!” Dude, there’s plenty of reasons to hit a woman, you just don’t do it. But to sit there and suggest that there’s no reason… Dude, the level of ego behind that statement… What are you, levitating above the rest of us? You’re never annoying? Women, how many times have you thought about slapping your fucking guy in the head this week? – Every day! – There ya go! Every day. [Applause] You didn’t do it, right? Oh, dude, it drives me nuts. “There’s no reason. There’s no reason.” Really? No reason? How ’bout this? You marry a girl, you fall in love, you buy her a house. You go to work every day, paying off the house. You come home one day, she’s banging the next-door neighbor, hands you divorce papers. You gotta move out, sleep on a futon, and still pay for that house that she’s gonna stay in. No reason? [Laughter] I’m not saying you should do it, but there’s plenty of fucking reasons in that arc of a story. All right, that was a hypothetical. You want an actual story? I’ll give you one. I’ll give you one. All right, I fucked up my foot playing drums, trying to get my bass-drum foot as fast as John Bonham’s, ’cause I figure that’s a good thing to focus on. 43 years of age, never married, no kids. I figure this is gonna lead me to the light, right? This is what I need to do. [Applause] So I don’t know what I did. I felt like… I played for, like, an hour, and afterwards I felt like, literally, like there was some midget stabbing me in the bottom of my foot, right? Like I had lightning coming out of the bottom of my foot. So I did the typical guy thing: “I’m not going to the hospital. I’ll sleep it off. I’ll be fine” right? Next morning, I wake up, my foot’s even worse and I gotta walk my crazy dog. So I’m like, “I can’t do it. My foot’s killing me.” So I wake up my girl. I go, “Wweetheart, sweetheart. Can you do me a favor? Can you do me a favor? Can you walk the dog for me? Can you just take the shift? I’ll do your afternoon shift. Can you just do me this solid? Can you do this for me?” She’s just like, “Ohh… You know, I had a late night last night. I’m tired. I have a big day.” And I just go, “Fuck it.” She goes, “What do you mean, ‘fuck it’?” It’s like, “Why can’t you just say no? Why do you always gotta, like, waterboard me with, like, a 20-minute explanation that eventually winds its way around to ‘go fuck yourself’? Just say no!” So I’m just limping out of the room. “Whatever. Go back to bed. You got a big day, right?” So now I’m, like, limping down the street. I got, like, tourette’s. “Fucking goddamn bullshit!” Dog’s walking next to me… “Bbbrrr! Rrrr! Brrr! Rrrr!” I gotta admit, I got a little childish. I did. I got a little childish, you know? I was just thinking about my relationship. I’m like, “This is the relationship I’m in? You’re just gonna do whatever the hell you wanna do, all right, and fuck me? Fine. I’m gonna do whatever the hell I wanna do. I feel like listening to my iPod on full blast walking around the house. That’s what I’m gonna do.” So that’s what I did. Turned it all the way up, and I just… my whole plan was just to walk by her like I didn’t even know her. That was it. She came down the hall. I just ghosted her. Just walked right past her. Just trying to piss her off. And I gotta tell you something, worked like a charm. Worked like a charm. Yeah, hung my coat up, turned around. By the time I turned around, she was already yelling at me. But the music was so loud, not only could I not hear her, it actually looked like she was singing the song that I was listening to. Oh! It’s one of the highlights of the relationship. So I knew what she was saying. I was like, “Whatever. I don’t wanna talk about it. Leave me alone. I’m going on to the computer.” Right? So I limp over and I sit down, and unbeknownst to me she’s like, “No, we’re gonna talk about this right now.” Comes up… poom! And slaps the headphones off my head. I got big ears. It fuckin’ hurt! So I’m like, “Honey, leave me alone. I don’t wanna talk about it.” Put the headphones back on. She comes right back up again. Poom! slaps ’em off a little harder. This time, they spin halfway around my head. Caveman DNA starts coming up. Talking through my teeth. “Honey, leave me alone. Don’t wanna talk about it.” Right? Put ’em on. Third time she comes up… poom! Slaps ’em right across the room, and I snap. I’m like, “Fine, you wanna have the fight, let’s fucking have the fight.” She’s like, “We will discuss this later when you calm down.” Oh! right there! I just wanted to roll her up in her yoga mat and stuff her behind the couch. Just leave her there till she got thirsty. “Come on, let me outta here. I-I have a spin class. You’ve made your point. This is ridiculous.” No, that’s the thing. Really is. That’s the thing. I hate that, saying there’s no reason. Obviously, I’m not saying to hit a woman, you know? But saying there’s no reason, I think that’s crazy. [Laughter] When you say there’s no reason, that kills any sort of examination as to how two people ended up at that place. If you say there’s no reason… whooh… you cut out the buildup, you’re just left with the act. How are you gonna solve it if you don’t figure it out? Look how awkward it is in here right now. [Cheers and applause] I said you shouldn’t hit a woman. I’m just saying, how come you can’t ask questions? You can only ask questions about what the guy did. You can never ask about the woman. Why is that? Why is that? What is that? Answer him right. What does “Answer him right” mean? What does that mean? Are you the idiot who got up halfway through the special, during the bit, and you’re, like, walking around like I’m not fucking taping a special here? What’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with you? [Applause] Fucking had to ignore all of that, and now you’re gonna, like, yell out, and not only that, yell something that makes no fucking sense whatsoever? “Answer him. Answer him.” [Scattered tittering] Every fucking special I do, there’s always one! Always, right down the fuckin’ middle. Talking about hitting women, sweetheart, and I think you just added another reason. [Cheers and applause] Jesus fucking Christ. I love this. I’m not even in a relationship with her, and she’s fucking nagging me. [Laughter] Fucking unbeliev… “uhhh uhhhh ehhh ehhh ah!” [Scattered laughter] Look, I understand hitting a woman’s a bad thing, okay? How come you can’t fucking ask questions? I just don’t understand. Like, if I get bit by a rattlesnake, wouldn’t you guys have some questions, right? “How did it happen? Did you not see it? Were ya fuckin’ with it? How did a snake get so mad, it almost killed ya?” Firemen put out a fire, they don’t just drive away afterwards. They sift through the debris. “How did it start? Here’s an oily rag.” Right? Look, I realize I’m coming off pretty ignorant right about now. I realize that. Let me extend an olive branch then, okay? I realize that there’s some animal guys out there, okay? Horrible guys, you know, have a rough day at the factory, come home… “Tuna casserole?”… and just start swinging, all right? I’m not trying to say that those people don’t exist. I realize they exist. They should be buried underneath the prison, okay? So if I can admit that, ladies, can you at least admit that every ass-kicking doesn’t just fall out of the fucking sky? Really? Even hockey has two minutes for instigating, right? They understand that some back and forth happened before that shit… you know? You know what it is? It’s every case is handled like that Rihanna one where they just say the guy’s a piece of shit, fuck this guy, blah blah blah, send him to jail, and then they never ask anything about that. You know, I’m not saying he should have done it. But I’m just saying… I’m just saying! Dude, in your heart of hearts… What do you think was going down before that happened? You think she was just sitting there going, “Oh, my god, Baskin Robbins. You wanna get some ice cream?” [Muttering] “Ah… fuckin’…” You know? Or do you think maybe they were having some epic end-of- the-relationship fight and some crazy shit was being said. Maybe she was screaming in his ear some crazy female shit like, “I’ll fuck all your friends! I don’t give a fuck! Maybe that’s why I sell more albums than you, motherfucker!” Right? To be fair, she could have just been sitting there going, “I need a tissue… do you keep those in the glove box? Oh, my god, I’ll bring my own! I’ll bring my own!” No, fuck that. ‘Cause you know what it is? They never address how women argue, which I think is a core of a lot of that shit, you know? And I gotta tell you something, man. Like, I never knew how women argued, but after 20 years of losing every significant battle in a relationship, I finally figured out how they argued, and I’m gonna tell you something. I’m starting to turn this franchise around. [Laughs] I have begun a winning tradition. This is how they argue, as far as I can tell, all right? If they’re right, they argue the point, and they stay on point and make sure you stay on point until you’re down on your knees apologizing, begging for forgiveness, all right? No problem with that. Totally respect it. But here’s the thing… if they’re wrong, they go rogue. They go off-road. They start thinking of shit you’re sensitive about, maybe you don’t get along with your dad, and in their head, they just start concocting this evil statement… Totally designed. This desperate, hail-Mary attempt to make you so fucking mad you just call ’em a cunt. It’s what it is. And cunt trumps all the bullshit they did to start the argument. Now it’s not about that… “Well, that’s no reason to call me a cunt!” And then that’s it. You’re in this room now, right? My girl knows my big thing is… my big fear in life is to be that dude who grows old, you know, grows old alone, has, like, that basement apartment, just screaming up at the younger couple, “Turn it down! That isn’t music!” So I noticed that anytime she was losing a fight, out of nowhere she’d just be like, “Well, that’s why you’re just gonna grow old and be alone” and then I’d… aaaah! I’d lose my shit. The next thing you know, I’m in the kitchen, washing dishes for the ninth fucking time in a row. This is what the argument was about. I was so right. What happened? So if you learn anything from my ignorance tonight, just know this… next time you’re in a battle with your beautiful woman, your wife, girlfriend, whatever, and they start… out of nowhere, okay? You’re winning, and they just start saying that crazy shit out of nowhere. Just know in that moment you’ve won the fight, okay? All right? Don’t get mad. Bob and weave, slip all of that shit. “Maybe ’cause you got a little dick!” Just let that slide. Stay in the pocket of the argument. Okay? it’s over. The argument is over. You’ve won. Just take a knee and run out the clock, all right? [Applause] Yes! Lean on the ropes. Let ’em punch themselves out. And then in the end, you throw their psychology right back at ’em. “Well, maybe we should discuss it later when you calm down.” And they won’t hook up with you for a couple of days. Who cares? Who cares? You rub one out. Rub one out like a man. It’s the champagne of victory. [Laughter and applause] No, that’s what I’ve learned. I finally learned to, like, keep my cool in my relationship. Happened a couple years ago, right? Me and my girl had this big argument one day, right? Actually, you guys wanna hear a story? You wanna hear about the time my girl punched me in the face? – Yeah! – On her birthday? Ya wanna hear that one? [Audience whooping] This is what happened. To be… [Laughs] If I’m really honest, the fight started, like, three months earlier. It’s, like, the middle of march. We’re just driving around, you know. Since she sees this clothing store, she’s like, “Oh, my god. I didn’t know they had one of those out here! We need to stop and go in there.” So I… fuck it. Let’s go in there. I walk in, immediately I see it’s one of these stores that doesn’t have any chairs. I know what they’re trying to do. I’m gonna be standing right next to her, and when she likes something, I gotta buy it. I don’t give a fuck. I’m not playing that. I go over and I sit down underneath a mannequin. Got like the dress hanging in my hair. “Sir, you can’t sit there.” “I don’t give a fuck. Looks like I’m doing it. Looks like I’m doing it, right?” [Laughs] So unbeknownst to me, she finds some sweater that she likes, right? Some ridiculously priced… like, 400 bucks or some shit like that, right? So she knows… It’s not her birthday, none of that crap. She can’t ask me for it. So now she’s gotta go into manipulation mode. “What do I use, what do I use? Do I be sad, do I pout? Do I use sex? Can’t do that.” You know what she went with? She went with the little girl. All right, she just came out, and she’s just like… [Laughter] I’m like, “What’s up?” She’s like, [pouty] “Saw something that I liked.” [Laughter] And I just wanted to be like, “Well, then why don’t you fucking pay for it?” Ha ha ha! So she goes over and she shows it to me, right? And I’m like, “It’s 400 bucks.” She goes, “Can you get it?” I go, “No. I’m not doing that. Fuck that. It’s not your birthday. It’s not Valentine’s day. It’s march. What, do I get you that for St. Patrick’s day? Get the fuck outta here. I’m not doing it.” [Laughs] So then what happened, we’re driving home, and somehow she manipulated the argument… not that she asked for the sweater and not that I said no… it was the way I said no, right? Got in this huge argument. Got so mad by the time we got back to the house, I just told her to get out, I’m driving away. So I just drove away in the Prius… whoosh. Right? So I was so fucked up about it, I had to call my sister up, right, call her up to get a female perspective. She’s laughing her ass off going, “You took all the bait. You’re an idiot.” I go, “What do I do? She goes, “Why don’t you go back down to the store and just buy the sweater, hold onto it, and give it to her a few months later for her birthday?” And I’m like, “Fucking genius! Genius!” I hate the pressure of the birthday, all her friends… [Effeminately] “So… What are you getting her? What are you gonna get her?” “Fucking sweater, bitch.” Bam! That’s it. Got it. All right? Fast-forward three months. It’s her birthday, right? I’m laying in bed, she wakes up, she wanted to go to some restaurant that night. She’s like, “Did you make the reservations?” I’m like, “I haven’t made ’em yet, but we’ll, you know, we’ll be good, right?” She starts freaking out. “What do you mean? It’s my birthday. What do you mean you didn’t make… didn’t make the reservations?” I’m like, “Wweetheart, it’s a Tuesday in the middle of a recession. I’m sure there’s gonna be a table” right? So she starts freaking out. In the back of my head, I’m like, “I got this sweater. I’m good, right?” So the more she yells at me, the funnier it becomes to me, but like an asshole, rather than laughing to myself, I sort of snickered out loud, right? Sort of giggled a couple times, and she just snapped, like, “Are you laughing at me? Are you laughing at me on my birthday?” And then the more she yelled, the more I laughed. The more I laughed, the more she yelled, and it was just this vicious fucking thing all the way up, right? She got all the way to the point she was standing at the back door going, “You gonna laugh at me on my birthday? Fuck you!” Boom! Slams the door. Duh-duh-duh-duh. Runs down the stairs. At that point, I’m literally in the fetal position, like, dying laughing, walking towards the bathroom. Then all of a sudden I hear, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! She came back up the stairs. And I’m not gonna lie to ya, I got a little scared for half a second. Nah, I did. I was in my underwear, I was feeling vulnerable. She comes flying into the bathroom, and the second I saw her face, I knew she was gonna hit me. Right? And I’m such an asshole, I actually have a game plan for when a woman’s gonna hit you. Like that’s how many women I’ve pissed off in my lifetime. I actually know it’s going down. This is how it is. Most women, they’re flailers. All right, unless they had some sort of MMA training, then you’re on your own. You’re probably gonna catch a few, right? But most of them are flailers. Most are right-handed. So you gotta guess overhand right. That’s the first thing you gotta guess. So you get down in the pocket, right? That overhand right comes in. Bam! You catch that wrist. Second the right’s coming, you know the left’s coming. Bam! You catch that one. This is the crucial moment. Second you got the right, the next, then you got the left, immediately, you gotta step back, and you gotta go like this. [Cheers and applause] ‘Cause she’s gonna try to kick you right in the balls. As she kicks you, then you spin ’em around, tuck your head down low, ’cause they will try to headbutt you, and then you just use the weight of your torso to slowly bring ’em down to the floor as you whisper sweet things: “Oh, look at the tiles. Remember you picked those out? They go so well with the wallpaper.” Right? [Applause] But she tricked me. She came into the bathroom. She invented this new punch. She didn’t throw a right. She didn’t throw a left. She came up with this two-fisted… I called it, like, the defibrillator, right? She caught me in the shoulder and, like, in my appendix, just fuckin’… wham! Like that. Almost went flying back into the bathtub. And I caught myself, and she’s all ready for me to take the bait and flip out. I didn’t. I just remained calm. I was just like, “Sweetheart… I think you need to go to work now.” She didn’t know what to do. She was like…[Panting] And she just walked out. All right? Went down to the car, drove to work. I walked out in the kitchen. I got some cheerios. Sat down and started watching sportscenter. [Laughs] Fucking three minutes later, all of a sudden the phone rings. All right, pick up the phone and I just hear her going, [stiffly] “Hi. Okay. things got a little crazy.” I’m like, “A little crazy? You almost split my head open in the goddamn tub.” “I’m sorry, I’m just… I’m passionate.” That’s what they say when they start swinging. “I’m passionate. I just have so much love for you… I try to cause you to have a seizure.” I don’t know. I’m good at this. I fuck up my personal life all the time now. I really do, you know? I’m afraid to get married, man. Why would… as… what man wouldn’t be afraid to get married at this point? Look at Kobe. Look at the shit he’s going through right now. All right? Guy’s getting a divorce. His wife’s gonna get 70 million bucks. Never hit a layup in her life. You know? Can anybody explain… These divorce settlements? Can anybody make sense of these fucking things? Tiger Woods’s wife… $250 million! She’s a babysitter worth 1/4 of a billion fucking dollars! Somebody, go ahead… somebody explain… justify it. Justify it. What, what? He cheated on her? I don’t give a fuck! Yeah, I don’t give a fuck. He cheated on her. Great. The relationship’s over right then. Kobe cheated, right? Shouldn’t that relationship have been over right then? Why did she hang around like some jaded cop for three years, trying to get her fucking pension, right? Get that ten years in? [Laughs] I don’t know. Maybe that’s too harsh. That shit bothers me, man. Dude, there is an epidemic of gold-digging whores in this country. [Laugher, applause] And every night I put on the news, and I’m waiting for someone to address it. Every night. Never see it, you know? And every night I bring up gold-digging whores, and the whole crowd pulls back like I’m up here talking about bigfoot, right? Like I’m saying the moon’s made out of cheese or something. Talking about whores, people! They’re everywhere! How many? How many more great men are gonna get chopped in half before we do something? Why is it so quiet in here? [Laughter] Goddamn! I don’t get it. What is it… women, do you think I’m calling you… I’m not calling any woman here a whore, okay? So don’t pull back. That’s not fair, okay? If you brought up wife beaters, I wouldn’t… uhh… pull back. I get it. There’s guys hitting women. They need to be stopped. We gotta understand that gold-digging whores are the wife beaters for men. Yeah, they are. Except we don’t have that Rihanna lumped up photo in the end, so it’s not obvious. It’s in the eyes. It’s in the lines in your face. It’s in Mel Gibson’s high-pitched voice on the answering machine: “I had to give up my laker tickets!” Right? That is the sound of a man being taken for everything he’s got. I gotta tell you, I’m envious of women, okay? I’m not saying your problems get solved, but at least they’re taken seriously. You know? You got 1-800 numbers, you got ribbons, there’s groups. People give a shit. Anything happens to a guy, it’s just considered funny. Some woman cut her husband’s dick off, threw it in the garbage disposal, and turned it on. People thought it was hilarious! They were, “Ahhhh! Hey, stumpy!” Nobody cares. Do you think if a guy removed a woman’s titty and threw it in the dryer, anybody would be joking about it the next day? The entire country would grind to a halt. There’d be a moment of silence. The NFL would have some special-colored headband everybody had to wear for an entire month. The most effeminate color they could possibly come up with. All my heroes are going down. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Another great man. Another great man. Taken down by that gold-digging whore of a maid he’s got. And I’m not saying he’s not a piece of shit for doing what he did… it was a piece of shit move… but how come only he got chastised? What about the maid? Why was she called the maid that entire story? She was never called a whore. Ever. Just boggles my mind. She knew his wife, first-name basis. Played with their kids, fucked her husband in their own goddamn bed. That’s right down the checklist… first ballot hall of fame whore. Right there. [Applause] Never. Why do you think she hooked up with him? Because of that 1987 flattop he’s still rockin’? The giant space between his teeth I could put this mic cord through? Or do you think maybe it’s all that Kindergarten Cop money laying around the goddamn bedroom? Oh, it’s awful. It’s a horrific thing to see as a guy… watching guys go through that shit, you know? And then there’s no sort of examination of it. They just go, “Ah, he’s an idiot. Eh, he’s stupid.” That guy’s stupid? If that guy’s stupid, what the fuck am I, right? Ha. Does it even make sense? Why would you do that? Why would you accomplish all that and then fuck it up hooking up with one of the ugliest human beings I’ve ever seen in my life? I’m not saying I’m a prize. I’m just saying, you know? [Scattered titters] It’s gotta be something beyond that, right? You know what I think it is? I think it comes down to the way he talks, you know? [Grunting gibberish with accent] That dude should be unloading trucks in Transylvania. That should have been the height of his success. But because he’s a great man, he had the balls to move to America, became famous for lifting weights. I lift weights. Nobody gives a shit. He lifts weights… “Aah, aah, aah!” Becomes super famous. Did he rest on his laurels? No. Next challenge: “I’m gonna become an actor despite the fact that nobody can really understand me.” Against all odds, he starts making movies. “Get down! There’s a bomb. Get out of there!” [Laughter] Becomes one of the biggest blockbuster stars of all time. “What are you gonna do next, Arnie?” “I think I’ll marry a Kennedy.” “There’s no fucking way you can do that.” Bam! he does it. Cherry on top. I’m running for governor of a state I can’t even pronounce, and he wins the election. Why wouldn’t this guy think he couldn’t bang his maid in his own bed and get away with it? This dude has been in the zone for over four decades! Four decades… nothin’ but net. Bang a maid in my own bed? Dude, that’s a layup. Are you serious? I had a hit movie with a midget. I don’t even need a condom. [Silly voice] Uhhh, uhhh, uhhh, uhhh! Right? And then what happens? The smoke clears. Then all these trolls come out of the woodwork and start judging this great man. All these fatties, these fucking old guys who never got any with their jowls. Coming on TV… [blubbery voice] “Absolutely reprehensible behavior. What kind of a public servant… His legacy is… ” [Gibberish] [Laughs] Like they have any idea what it’s like to be tempted at that level, right? Like they have groupies as they waddle out to their Mercury Tracer parked on the other side of a dumpster. Really? You’re beating them off? This guy, he’s not a great man anymore? Terminator doesn’t count? Is that what the fuck you’re telling me? ‘Cause he fucked Alice? Really? He’s still not a great man because he did that, then the whole thing’s over? Anybody here think they could move to Austria, learn the language, become famous for working out, then be a movie star, then marry into their royalty, and hold public office? How many lifetimes would you need… I’m on my third attempt at Rosetta Stone Spanish. All right? How can I judge these guys? I can barely handle the temptations of Facebook. I’m gonna judge Tiger Woods? I golf. I don’t walk off the 18th hole, and there’s a busload of Scandinavian women waiting to fuck my brains out. “Sorry, ladies, gotta go home to the wife” right? No, it kills me. And there’s no help out there for guys. There isn’t. There’s nothing out there to help you handle becoming rich and famous. There’s nothing to prepare you for that platoon of whores that’s gonna form on the horizon, right? Like Braveheart… faces painted, skirts on. We’ll run down the hill. They’ll jump on your dick in front of your wife. They don’t give a shit. There’s not even a handbook out there. I saw one article written about it on the cover of Time Magazine. It said, “Why do so many rich, famous, and powerful men act like absolute pigs?” Right? And the article was actually written by a woman. That’s like me writing a book, The third trimester and what to expect. Ladies, you’re gonna feel a pressure… how the hell would I know? You don’t wanna hear that from me, right? Then why is this woman telling me what it’s like to have a dick? That makes no sense. You have no idea what it’s like to have a dick. 24/7… “Do it, do it, fuck it, do it.” That’s what it’s saying. “Do it, do it! Yeah, do it!” That’s how we survived as a species. Every man in here is programmed to fuck 85% of the women in this room. Right? Yeah, we are. “Do it, do it, fuck it, do it” you know? It’s just that you won’t. That’s the only reason why we don’t, you know? That’s not you keeping your dick in check, you know? Some guy at home depot, working there, he wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity, right? But he can’t do it. ‘Cause whores don’t care about lumber, right? [Laughs] But the second he hits the fucking lottery, all of a sudden that, “Do it, do it, fuck it, do it” you know, that wasn’t affecting his life, then all of a sudden these whores show up… “I’ll do it, I’ll suck it, I’ll do it” right? [Laughs] No, somebody’s gotta step up, all right? I’m not even blaming whores, really. Just… guys, we’re fucking idiots. What are we doing? Why are we working so hard and then giving it all away to some chick who did three shifts at a fucking Hooters, you know? They’re fucking bums sitting there with fucking dorito dust in their cleavage walking around with hundreds of millions of dollars. I’m sick of this. “That’s what the law says.” A hundred years ago, I could beat you with a fucking mop handle and be like, “That’s what the law says.” Doesn’t make us right. No, it’s unreal. And all this shit’s going down, and we’re not doing anything. What are we doing? Same old shit. Sitting around watching shark week, right? Watching shit about poisonous snakes half a world away. Just filling your head up with all this useless information. What to do if you come face to face with a bengal tiger. Don’t look at it, don’t look away. Slowly back up as you push your friend forward. Right? All this useless information, yet hanging between your legs is this thing that could crumble your entire empire… seven minutes or less. Don’t know a fucking thing about it. Even worse, you think it’s your friend. Yeah, you know why? ‘Cause your dick’s like a dreamer, you know? Your dick believes. It’s like a motivational speaker. I don’t give a shit what question you ask it. It’s always like, “Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Sounds like a plan! Exit strategy… later! We’ll be fine!” Where’s your dick when you get caught, right? It’s just slumped over like, “Yeah, I thought it was a good idea.” Yeah. You have to know that. Dude, if your dick was a third base coach, it wouldn’t hold anybody up. It’d just be fucking waving people around. “Everybody, go in standing up! “You got it, you got it. Aw, shit, here she comes. Slide, slide, slide!” All right, you guys were awesome. Thank you so much for coming out. I hope you had as good a time as I did. Thank you! [Cheers and applause] [Inaudible speech] [Crowd chatter]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BILL BURR: I’M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY (2014) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-im-sorry-feel-way-2014-full-transcript/

[cheers and applause] All right, thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are you? What’s going on? Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here in the greater Atlanta, Georgia, area, this oasis. It’s nice to be here. I don’t know why I came here in June. It’s nice to be here. Wasn’t thinking. Fucking ridiculously hot out there. Just miserable, horrible. That kind of heat, you understand the racism down here, ya know? I get it. How would you get along with anybody? “Look at ’em just over there, drinkin’ a cold drink! Lemonade was made for the white man!” So… What the hell have I been doing with my life? Trying to get in shape, man. But I hate going to the gym, so I decided I’d go veggie twice a week. It’s brutal. I can only make it till about 5:00. Five o’clock, that’s what I realized about myself, you know that? Something has to die every day in order for me to live. Something’s got to get its beak chopped off, its feathers yanked, uppercut to its jaw, just in order for me to survive. I’m trying! Couscous and all that shit. It’s awful. I saw this thing, though. They said if everybody went vegan, if everybody went vegan or vegetarian, whatever the hell they said. One of those “V” ones, right? They said it’ll be great for the environment, you know. I guess there’s all this cattle standing around, and when they fart, the gas goes up in the atmosphere and causes something. Right? They’re always doing that shit. You know, “If everybody went vegan, the air would be– If everybody drove an electric car, if everybody just had some snowshoes on.” Right? They just won’t come out and say it. Nobody has the balls to come out and just say, “Look, 85% of you have to go.” – That’s it! That is it. – [cheering and applause] I have been bitching about the population problem for three specials in a row. Waiting… for some politician to have the balls to bring it up, but they won’t do it, they won’t do it. We live in a democracy. Right? Can’t be honest in a democracy. You need the votes. You can’t run with that as your platform. Coming out there: “And if elected, I would implement a program to immediately eliminate at least 85% of you! This planet cannot sustain the sheer numbers– Let me finish! This will not be arbitrary. Under your seats is a multiple choice questionnaire! If you did not bring a pencil, you’re already out!” You can’t do that. You got to be nice. You got to be fuckin’ nice, especially this day and age. Everybody getting in trouble, all these goddamn groups out there, bitch, moaning and complaining anytime anybody says anything. “We’re part of a group, eh.” You gotta apologize. “I’m sorry to people who own Shar Peis. I didn’t mean to say that it’s an ugly-ass dog, nah.” Right? Fuck you and your group. What about that? What do you got, two million people in your group? There’s 400 million in this country. Nobody gives a shit. Right? Who the fuck joins a group? “I’m gonna join a group, that’s what I’m gonna do today.” Go to meetings. What kind of a fucking loser, right? That’s the same way I look at people who got upset about, you know, Michael Sam, the gay football player kissing his boyfriend when he got drafted. Everybody bitch, moaning and complaining. It’s like, dude, that’s what you get for watching the draft, all right? Now once again, what kind of a fucking loser just sits there watching round after round? “The Jets are up next. I think they need a quarterback. They need to improve their defensive line.” Dude, that’s like going to a graduation ceremony where you don’t know anybody who’s graduating. You’re just fucking sitting there. They’re gonna have the whole list the next day. They’ll have everybody. Who drafted who, when. Fucking got to sit there and watch that shit. Those stupid interviews. “Yeah, you’re a member of the Buffalo Bills. How does it feel?” “Well, you know, it’s a blessing. I want to thank God. Gonna try to do my best, it’s a great organization, and the same shit the last 80 guys said. So, yeah.” Yeah. I’m glad he kissed him. He should have fuckin’ blown him. Yeah! With birthday cake in his mouth and a Santa Claus hat on his head, just to ruin the entire year. Holding a flag. That fucks up Flag Day. You’ll keep thinking about it. Yeah. Fucking stupid-ass groups. People apologizing to ’em like they have some sort of power. Look, if you’re being a dick, apologize. But other than that, yeah, go fuck yourself. Yeah. [cheers and applause] Everybody getting in trouble, like a bunch of children. I was doing a gig in Dallas, and some waitress wrote on a piece of chalkboard. She goes, “We like our beer the way we like our violence, domestic.” Right? Now I got to tell you something. That’s a great fucking joke! There is zero fat on that. You need every word of that joke. You take one word out, it doesn’t work. It’s a perfect joke. So whatever, nobody gives a shit. One person comes in, they don’t like it, they ask the manager to take it down. He’s just like, “That’s our sense of humor here. Have a beer, go fuck yourself. That’s what we’re doing.” She takes a picture of it, puts it on Facebook. All of a sudden, people start complaining. They fired the manager and the waitress. Because of that. Yeah! I don’t understand, like, what do they think is gonna happen if somebody reads that joke? Like, you’re some guy who would never hit a woman, ya know. Would never hit a woman. You can’t hit women. You honestly cannot. You ever see how they fall? They fall like toddlers, you know? It’s like they never fell in their life. They never put their hands out. It’s horrific to watch. You can’t hit them. Right? So what are you telling me? Somebody… you’re telling me someone who never hit a woman is gonna come walking in, read that joke, you know, just be, “Wait a minute!” [shouts angrily] That’s the dumbest shit. They have all kinds of signs out there telling people not to hit women, people still do it. What do you think wife beaters are doing when they drive home? They’re like so focused on hitting their wife, they got blinders on, they’re not reading anything? They don’t see the “Don’t Hit Your Wife” billboard? They’re still gonna do it. Did that get too weird for you guys? Did the church organs make that fucked up like I was up here? “Make a pledge for Jesus and hit your women.” Ever watch some of those stupid religious shows? That fucking Joel Osteen, you ever see that guy? That guy is so full of shit, he doesn’t even open his eyes when he’s talking. “Take a pledge for Jesus. Are they still here?” He doesn’t even have the nerve to open his eyes. “You want some popsicles? Jesus wants you to have some popsicles. He wants you to have those popsicles.” His fucking electric blue carpet. Yeah, everybody’s getting in trouble ’cause of these goddamn groups. Look at the amount of old people that got in trouble this year. Old people get in trouble, right? That older woman there that makes the cookies on the Food Network, right? Yeah, Paula Deen. She got in trouble, ’cause she had this slavery-themed wedding or whatever the hell she did. In defense of her, you know, you want to have an original wedding. There’s not a lot of themes left, you know? You got to use the old imagination if you’re gonna try to blow people away with your creativity, right? I’m actually gonna have a Holocaust- themed pool party later on this summer. I am. “Once everyone gets in ze pool, ja.” “It was weird, it was like it was offensive but like refreshing, you know? I don’t know, I don’t know how I feel about it.” Yeah, she got in trouble. The old redneck on Duck Dynasty, that dude got in trouble. The owner of the Clippers got in trouble. And I’m not saying what these people did wasn’t offensive. I’m not sayin’ that shit. What pissed me off was at no point during all of these stories did anybody address their age, you know? They’re fucking old, you know? What did you think they thought? You never talked to a grandparent and asked the wrong question and all of a sudden, it went down this crazy road? “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let’s get back to the cookies, Grandma! Let’s leave that shit over here, what the fuck?” Yeah, they’re old. What did you think they thought? I mean– I’m gonna be honest with you. People were too hard on that Clippers guy, man, I’m telling you. For an 80-year-old white guy, that wasn’t that bad. All right? Dude, he didn’t drop the “N” word once. That’s unbelievable for an 80-year-old white guy. The “N” word should have been carpet-bombed through that whole tape. He never said it once! If you go back and listen to that tape– go back and listen to it. Other than Instagram, he’s pretty fucking liberal. He’s like, “You can hang out with them, you can have sex with them, just don’t promote it on Instagram.” Yeah, it was the weirdest, most compartmentalized, like, racism I ever heard in my life. Something about Instagram, I didn’t get it. Other than that, he was wide open. “You can make a snowman with them, go to a water park, rub your bellies together, just don’t promote it on Instagram.” “Hey, what about Facebook?” “I don’t give a fuck about Facebook! Keep it off of Instagram!” Yeah. Dude, you understand, the guy is 80 years old. Do the math. This dude was born in 1934. That’s 13 years before Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier. First 12 and a half years of this guy’s life, he watched all-white baseball, and it was fine! First 12 and a half years. “Up next, Whitey Willoughby! There’s a line shot out to Peter Peckerwood, what a catch! Unbelievable, in to Chris Cracker! What a great day. What a great day for a ballgame. White baseball, white players.” Dude, his parents were part of the generation that finished off the genocide of the Native Americans, all right? That’s who taught him his ABCs. You know? “~ A, B, C, D, E… ~ Hey, get that savage off my property! Get out of here! I thought we killed all you people! Put a fence around them! ~ H, I, J, K… ~” Yeah. What did you think was gonna happen? The owner of the Clippers, you know what his big crime was? He lived too long. He did. If he’d died around 1969, 1970, nobody would have noticed. Dude, look at Walt Disney, Walt Disney was a known anti-Semite. But he died in the early ’70s. Nobody gives a shit. Look at him, he’s got a castle, bunch of mice running around. Nobody cares. This guy kept living. Telling you, you can live too long. You can live too long, I’m telling you. You wear out your welcome. I swear to God, this fucking guy, I bet in the 1940’s, he was considered a hippie. You know? Just walking around, “Hey, you can hang out with ’em, you can have sex with ’em, man, you know?” His dad’s getting all pissed off: “Let me tell you something, see? You stay with your own! You stay with your own.” That’s true, though. Life can pass you by. It happens. You just keep living and living. Basically, I think you got, like, 25, 30 years to absorb as much as you can, and then that’s it, that’s all you know. ‘Cause right around then, you get married, and it’s over, right? You have a couple of kids, you’re sucked in the bubble. You don’t have time to pay attention to what’s going on out in the world. You’re stuck with these kids. “It’s shitting all over the place! Don’t be a serial killer! Don’t touch that!” You’re just stuck in that. You have three, four kids, that is a 25-year sentence, trying to get them all through college. Society just keeps fucking going. You get the last one through college, step back out of the bubble– You don’t know what happened. You’re not even paying attention. You go back to your old record collection. [scatting] Someone sticks a mike in your face, you’re gonna get in trouble. Yeah. It’s one of the sad things about life. You get old and it passes you by. I feel it passing me by. I’m 46 years old. I don’t even have kids, but I can’t keep up anymore. I had a college gig coming up, I was like, I gotta figure out what these kids are into. I was 24 when a senior was born. I got to figure out what these dudes are into, so I guess they’re into like, this like DJ music or some shit, so I’m like, all right, I’ll watch some of this. You know? So I have like a reference or two. I don’t want to be that old comic coming to the gig being like, “What’s up with this Monica Lewinsky? Is this crazy? I mean, this Y2K– Is my stylus gonna work? I don’t know.” So I put this shit on. Dude, I lasted 90 seconds. Ninety seconds. I was open-minded. “All right, put it on!” Ninety seconds later, I’m like this old man. “Ah, this isn’t music!” You know? “When I was a kid, you dressed like a woman and you sung about the devil. Now, that was music! And you had one ballad every album, started off in black and white and when the guitar solo came in, it went to color. Yeah, that was music.” Yeah. All of this shit’s passing me by. I’ll get in trouble later on in my life. Transgender athletes? I don’t fucking understand that, you know? I understand, you want to switch around, I don’t give a shit, but I’m a sports fan. That’s a really new concept to me, that you can be a dude, right? Ranked 80th in the fucking world. You have your dick cut off, you put on a sports bra, and now you’re the #1 tennis player in the world, just coming out there with your man shoulders. [grunting] That doesn’t seem fair. I might be wrong. I might just be an old guy, I have no idea. But I’m hearing rumors like some of them are getting into that MMA. You can’t have that shit. Am I nuts? That is a dickless dude beating the shit out of a woman. Jesus Christ! He might as well hit her with his discarded dick like a flashlight. “Hold still!” “Her ground and pound is incredible.” Yeah. I’m not saying these people are right, and I’m not saying that I’m right. I know I’m a fucking moron, ya know. But that Duck Dynasty guy– I know what he said was wrong, but I don’t get the shock. Said that homophobic stuff, and people are like, “Can you believe?” Yeah, I totally can believe it. If I was in Vegas, I would have put 90% of my shit on that he was gonna say it. I’d give him a 10% benefit of the doubt just in case. Are you seriously shocked some redneck with a beard down to his dick sitting in a boat in the middle of a swamp shooting varmints? Like, what did you think he thought? Did you think he had some progressive ideas on same-sex marriage? [cheers and applause] Yeah. Didn’t he think… Didn’t he think exactly what you thought… he thought, you know? You know what kills me too? That fuckin’ kinda shit, that homophobic stuff, that all comes from the church, man. Doesn’t it come from that shit? There’s something in there. I never read the Book, all right? I tried to. They need to fucking update it. They update iTunes every fuckin’ six days. Can we update the language and make it a little more user friendlieth… for someone like me? Right? That’s where he gets all those fucking ideas. That Duck Dynasty guy, it’s not his fault that he went to– He went to Sunday School in like 1949, you know? I think all of that shit comes from the church. They just fuckin’ brainwash you. You know? Don’t clap, don’t clap, I don’t read, I don’t read. Follow someone else. I’m telling you, they brainwash you. Come into the church, your brain’s all empty, they fill it like a jelly donut. [making squishing sounds] Just brainwash you. “~ Say what we say when we say it ~ ~ Say it again, then you can go home to your toys ~” “~ All right, I’ll say it ~ ~ I’ll say it again ~ ~ Now can I go home to my toys? ~” Right? And you repeat everything they say. The good, the bad, and the fucking horrific. They stick a star on your forehead. “You’re a big boy.” “Looks like people like me!” You get on with your life. You go to college, you get a master’s degree in English like this redneck dude had, he invents the new duck whistle or whatever the hell you call it, right. Yours goes, “Whack whack!” Mine goes, “Whack-a-fuckin’-whack!” Dude makes a zillion bucks, gets his own TV show, he’s loving life. And out of nowhere, here comes that same question sixty years later from Sunday School, and he stands up like the Manchurian Candidate. “Jesus liked hookers and lepers, doesn’t like the queers.” And everybody freaks the fuck out, and he’s like, “That’s what they said!” And they’re all dead. “Oh, where’d everybody go? I thought I was a good boy!” He’s just this scared old man getting yelled at in a boat. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why a group like GLAAD, right? I always forget, it’s Gay Lesbian A… whatever the fuck it stands for, all right? Why do they go after the old guy in the boat? Why don’t they go after the people writing the Book? Right? “Hey, could you please teareth outeth those coupleth of pages?” They’re not gonna do that. That’s the Vatican. They’re their own city. They got a wall around their own city. They’re brushing off cases of pedophilia like it’s nothing. They’re not taking that call. “Oh, what happened? Really? Go fuck yourself.” Click. They don’t care. [applause] I learned a long time ago, I think whatever you’re into, you’re into, but I’m not into that religious stuff where– And this is why. I actually walked away from my religion. I had to be honest with myself. One, I didn’t like to go– I didn’t like going to church every week, you know? I just didn’t. Part of it was I’m lazy. I don’t like getting up on Sundays, and the other part was I already heard all the stories, okay? Heard them three, four times, the Dude hasn’t come back yet. You know, we’re just sort of mulching over the same shit here, I got it. – Right? – [cheers and applause] And the other aspect was, you know, I actually– I had to be honest with myself. I felt my religion made sense and everybody else’s sounded stupid. [cackles] I did. Look, I’m not talking about the basis of every religion. Basis of every religion makes sense, you know, the Ten Commandments. Don’t kill anybody. Don’t touch my wife. That’s my bike. Right? That all makes sense. Of which, I’ve broken, I think I’ve broken just about every commandment except for the fifth one, that’s it. I haven’t killed anybody yet, right? But the murderous thoughts that I have sometimes, I think I could do it. Like when someone gets on a plane and they kick off their loafers, and they’re wearing those gold-toed, like, dress socks, and they cross their feet at the ankles, and they just start rubbing their feet together. Like, I see the whole thing, see the whole thing. Wrapping that sock. Shh… Shh… Shh… Right? See the whole thing, so we’ll see. Still early on, right? But just the stories of how we got here, and where we’re going, and what happens after we die, everybody else’s religion sounded stupid, you know? Like, I live out in Los Angeles, there’s a bunch of Scientologists out there, and the first time I heard the story of Scientology, I was like, “That is the dumbest shit I have ever heard in my life.” [man] Yeah! Like, your guy’s name is Ron? Ron! And he wasn’t alive thousands of years ago, so you can hide a lot of it in the mystery. This guy was alive, like, 45, 50 years ago. He had a driver’s license, Social Security number. There’s like footage of him stubbing his toe. “Motherfucker!” Right? I know what happened. He was working at Denny’s, he got sick of it. “I’ll start a religion. Hey, everybody, there’s this spaceship coming back. Everybody’s getting sneakers. This is Tom Cruise. We’re gonna try to make you clear, right?” Look, I’m paraphrasing, I’m paraphrasing. To be fair to the Scientologists, I am paraphrasing, but that’s essentially what they believe in. And I said that is the dumbest shit I ever heard while simultaneously still kind of believing that a woman who never got fucked had a baby that walked on water, died, and came back three days later. So… Yeah. That made total sense to me. So it just hit me one day, I was like, why does that make sense and that shit doesn’t, you know? They got a spaceship in theirs, you know? We– right? We got the space shuttle, you know? There’s sneakers. There’s a lot of shit I can relate to in this. Why does that sound so dumb to me? You know what it is? I think it’s ’cause I heard their story when I was an adult. I heard my story when I was four years old, right? When I heard my story, there was still some fat fuck coming down the chimney, giving me Christmas toys. If I lost a tooth, there was a fairy. There was the Easter Bunny. Why wouldn’t there be some bearded baby moonwalking across the lake? Throwing out bottomless buckets of shrimp or whatever He did? Of course that made sense. What happened was, as I got older, all of that stuff started to fall, right? “Ah, son, there is no fat fuck, it’s your mother and I. Your mom’s the Tooth Fairy, rabbits don’t have eggs, her tits are fake, the NBA is fixed! Bankers are cunts! Most of your dreams won’t come true!” Right? And I was just like, “Wow, this is how the world is.” And meanwhile this shit was just floating, this 800-pound gorilla of this fucking story. I just had to make a decision, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do with this? Am I gonna cling to it, be that person? “That’s very offensive to me and other Christians and…” Become that douche? All right? And be like the casual Christian, right, with, like, one foot on base, just, “Yeah, I kind of go, a couple of times a year, and, like, if my parents come to town, I act like I go all the time, and I don’t go anymore.” Or my last option, which was basically just, just let go of the shit, you know? Just let go. [cheers and applause] Just let go of it like that creepy moment in curling. You know. That moment where the shooter, or whatever you call them, is just sliding with that rock, right? Just let me do this right, just sliding. And you think he’s along for the ride, the two of them, they’re a team, and all of a sudden out of nowhere he just goes fucking… That rock just keeps going, this dude just stops. That’s what I did with my religion. I just let go of it. I didn’t read a riot act to anybody, I just let go of it. “And on the third day, He rose again in fulfillment of the Scriptures…” I just floated away. [cheers and applause] So now it’s like, I’m in this weird place where I’m not in any religion right now. Unrestricted free agent. You know? [cackles] I’d like to believe in something, so I’ve been going around asking people what their shit is, and I haven’t been able to find anything. Trying to be open-minded. I was doing a gig in Helsinki, and over there, they’re, like, Lutheran, and what they believe, they believe when you die, you’re dead and that’s it. Dead, like a pigeon, just– just layin’ there. Over. Blew my mind, I’m like, “Really? You’re just dead?” Like my religion was you die, and then you go up to get judged, right? God pops in the DVD of your life. “Well, I don’t know about this right here. Mind explaining yourself?” This might be the most arrogant thing I say all night, but I actually resent the fact that I’m gonna get judged someday. Like, if that’s true, that somebody’s gonna judge me, that doesn’t even make any sense. It’s like, Dude, you made me, so this is your fuck-up. All right? Let’s not try to turn this around on me. You know? Jesus Christ. You give me freedom of choice, you make whores, you have me suck at math, and you don’t think this thing’s gonna go off the rails? Like, you set me up to fail, and now you got the balls to now question… your own goddamn work. Dude, if I made a car, if I built a car and it didn’t run, I wouldn’t burn it forever. “You evil piece of shit!” Just light it on fire. I wouldn’t, I would troubleshoot. Is there gas in the engine? Is the battery charged? “Anything beyond this, I got to get a real man to look at it, but I believe in you. I’m gonna try and help you out.” Yes, my religion, it’s nuts. It’s fucking nuts. Like, my religion, like, the way I was brought up is like, you know, you can make it to heaven but, like, some of your family members possibly couldn’t, or some of your friends. Doesn’t even make sense. Like how am I supposed to enjoy heaven if that’s the deal, right? Just sitting here, waiting for my friends to show up, “Jesus Christ, where the hell are they? It’s been, like, 150 years! They must have ate a lot of Brussels sprouts or some shit! Doing some yoga, right?” And then one day, it just settles in that they didn’t make it. And then what, I’m still gonna enjoy heaven, right? Jesus coming walking over: “Hey, how is it going, everybody? Isn’t this great? Isn’t this great?” “Yeah, Dude, it’d be even better if all my family members and friends weren’t burning for fucking ever! Kind of hard to enjoy heaven when you just keep thinking of that there, J-star, what do you think? Hey, Dude, I didn’t ask you to come over. You came walking over with your big, dumb sandals. ‘Hey, hey, how is it going over here?’ Why did you come over here? I don’t give a damn. Dude, tell your dad. I don’t give a fuck! I’m already in here, I’m already in here. What, are you gonna kick me out afterwards? Go fuck yourself. I knew He was gonna be like that, I knew it. The boss’s son is the worst. Fucking sense of entitlement.” So yeah, so they believe when you die, you’re dead. And I was like, so you’re just dead. Like, how do you wrap your head around not existing? I couldn’t get my head around it. He goes, “Well, like before, when you were born, do you remember that?” And I was like, “No,” and the guy’s like, “Yeah, it’s just like that.” I’m like, not only does that make sense, that is absolutely terrifying. Dude, I got to be honest, I hate how scared I’m getting as I get older. I’m developing all these new fears. Like, I have a fear of flying now. I never had a fear of it. It’s not straight-across-the-board flying. I don’t like small planes all of a sudden. I just don’t like them, and it has nothing to do with the plane. I believe in the planes, okay? I just don’t believe in the pilots. ‘Cause you know what? I don’t think the airline does, either. Which is why that dude is flying that little plane. The airline was basically, like, “All right, we’ll give you, like, 28 people. See how you do, you know? You fly them up, you land, you bring another 28 back. We’ll let you do this for a while. You do this for a while, we don’t get any complaints, no up and down, up and down, none of that shit, we’ll move you up to 35 people. And then one day, you’ll be in a jet–” Whoo! We’re going a little faster. Right? Big planes, you’re getting the fuckin’ pilot that knows what he’s doing. He’s probably fought in a war. He’s used to getting shot at. He can’t bring this bus in? It’s a joke. Right? A bunch of people whining in the back, “My headphones don’t work!” He doesn’t give a fuck, right? He’s up there sleeping. He’s trying to make something happen, he’s so goddamn bored. That’s a stud up there, right? So one time I’m flying into Albany, New York, okay, a city that nobody really goes to. So I’m on a smaller plane, and everything is going great. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, we hit this turbulence. [imitating sounds of turbulence] And it stops, and everybody looks around laughing nervously, like… [nervous laughter] All of a sudden, it comes back with a vengeance. You can literally hear the metal the plane’s made of, like… All of a sudden, this dude three rows back starts making these bitchy noises. “Whoa! Whaaa! Whoa! Whaaaa! Whoa!” I’m not gonna lie, I have never been so fucking scared in my entire life. Dude, that noise is acceptable out of a female or a child. But turn around and see a 37-year-old mustachioed male going… “Whoo! Whaaa! Whoa!” Dude, the hair was standing up on my arms. I’m praying to a higher power, I don’t even believe in the shit! I just wish I had the balls to turn around and be like, “Dude, would you shut the fuck up? Jesus Christ, be a man, push it down. Push it down, deny your feelings, act like you have answers. Do some man shit right now. Do some man shit.” Jesus Christ. You know? “You think I’m not up here thinking… ‘Whaaa! Whoa!’ I am! But how does that help us for me to join you and turn this fuselage into a haunted house?” You know what kills me, what absolutely kills me, is some woman is gonna fall in love with this guy, marry him and make half… whooo… whaaaa… fucking kids. And you know what? We become weaker as a species. We do. [cheers and applause] Do you remember back in the day when you watched the Discovery Channel about animals? Now they build cars, but it used to be about animals, right? Now it’s all car stuff. “Looking forward to getting that carburetor today. The carburetor didn’t fit.” “What do you mean the carburetor doesn’t fit? Dad’s gonna be mad.” [yelling gibberish] There’s never enough time to build the car. It’s so fucking stupid. “We got to have this bus done by Thursday!” Or else what? The guy doesn’t want it anymore? All right. “You’ll get the thing when we finish it, okay? This is a safety issue. You want brakes on it? Then go get yourself some fucking lunch.” So, before… [laughter] before there used to just be animals, and this is what I noticed: Everything from a lion all the way down to an insect, okay? If you had one drop of… whoo… whaaa… bitchy blood in you, none of the females would fuck you. That was it, your life was over. Your life was over. No ant pussy for you your entire miserable eight-day ant life, ’cause all six of your legs shook when the wind blew, and the female ant saw it. They’re like, “All right, stay away from that one. Stay away from that one. He’s gonna jeopardize the whole hill. And, Stacy, listen to me.” Human beings have empathy. Some woman will fall in love. “Well, he’s nice. He wears a sweater. He likes to bake, you know? He lets me finish my stories.” Which is all great qualities, okay, but you got to know, when you shack up with a guy like that, you’re rolling the dice. You’re rolling the dice that that fucking axe murderer is gonna pick the next house over, ’cause God forbid he picks your goddamn house, this is the dude who has your back, who’s gonna be screaming louder and higher than you when this guy comes through the fucking door. And you’re gonna turn around. All you’re gonna see is his cowardly feet going out the kitchen window. I don’t know, man, that’s risky. You know, in reality, I’m being too hard on that guy. Yeah, I am. I am, ’cause I was just as scared as he was. Except I didn’t scream out like he did, and that’s simple. The simple reason was this dude, he was hugged too much as a child. Having people going, “How was your day? What’s wrong?” And all of that shit, you know? That’s why I came down here. I came out here to tell you guys, you got to stop hugging your children. You are ruining this country. Now you can hug your daughters, you got to do that, you got to do that. Hug those hooker shoes right out of them, let them know that you’re a good man, and to find another man like you. You got to do that. But your son, you can hug them a little bit, but every three, four, you got to fucking knock ’em down, right? “Come on, it didn’t hurt, get up!” I didn’t come from a family, I don’t know about you guys, I didn’t come from a touchy-feely… “Call me when you get there. Mwah, mwah.” None of that shit. First time my mom hugged me, I think, was like, once when I was little, and when I moved out. That was it! And we only hugged ’cause we knew we were supposed to. So we just tried to, like, it was like two parking meters came to life, like, we almost bumped heads. It was horrific. Fucking horrific. To this day, sometimes I drive down the street, and I think about that hug, and it’s just so awful I have to like shout the memory out of my head. I’ll just be driving down the street, just be like… Aaaaah! Anybody else like that? You ever have to shout stuff out of your head? There’s something about me, like, all my regret comes up when I’m in the shower. I don’t know what it is. I think ’cause I’m in the shower, and I have time to think, and I’ll just think of shit I did in third grade where I just made an ass of myself, and I’ll just be in the shower just being like… [screaming] And my wife’s always just like, “Is everything okay in there?” I’ll just be like, “Yeah, yeah, just accidentally turned on the hot water. Turned it on too much.” “Every day?” So… Yeah… I actually asked my mother one time when I finally got out in the world, and I saw how other families interacted, I finally asked her, “How come we never did the hugging thing? How come we didn’t do that stuff?” She was like, “I wanted to hug you kids when you were little, but I was afraid it was gonna make you gay.” And I was like, “You were afraid?” And she goes, “Well, it was your father. That’s what it was. Protecting him like I always do. He was afraid. He said, you don’t know how to raise boys and if you hug them, that’s what’s gonna happen. So in a marriage, there’s compromises.” Yeah, so she basically never hugged us, ’cause my dad said if she did, it was gonna make us gay. And I got to tell you, that was a great thing that my dad did for me. Let me finish before you start blogging, okay? And I end up on a split screen on Good Morning Atlanta. “Comedy, could it go too far? Last night at the Tabernacle–” Sitting there next to some fucking Cheeto-eating blogger. So, yeah, this is the deal. I’m gonna defend my dad here because this is basically what happens when you have a kid. As far as I know. I don’t have any kids. As far as I’d think, if you have a kid, what do you want to do? You want to improve on your childhood, okay? You want to keep the shit that your parents did that worked, and then you want to get rid of the stuff that didn’t work. So that was my dad, as fucked up as that was, that was his improvement on his childhood that he never talks about, the way a veteran doesn’t talk about going to war. So I figure if that was his improvement on his childhood, his childhood just must have been something like, “Don’t change his shitty diaper. Let him figure it out for himself. Get out in the rain, you shitty baby! Hey, let me handle this, lady! Why are you still standing here, you shit toddler?” So he took it from that… and knocked it down to, “Don’t hug him, it’s gonna make him gay.” Right? And then maybe someday I ever have a kid, I’ll whittle it down to like, “He’s not taking drama class, all right? He’s not taking drama class ’cause I said so, lady! Let me handle this!” I won’t fix everything. And that’s not a homophobic thing either, that I wouldn’t send my hypothetical son to drama class. Okay? It isn’t. I would send… I’d let my hypothetical daughter take a drama class. Okay. My son can’t fucking do any of that shit unless I’m sending him to one of those Fame high schools where everybody’s doing it, one of those creative schools. You go to the cafeteria, everybody’s like, ~ Cottage cheese, what is it made of? ~ Then he can do all he wants. Then he can do all the fuck he wants, but there’s no way I’m letting him do that at a public school with those goddamn animals! He’s gonna get the shit kicked out of him! He’s gonna come home with his underwear up his ass, and then I have to be the adult and go down to the principal and be like, “There’s some sort of tomfoolery going on around here!” I don’t want to do that. I want to find the fucking eight-year-old. What is he, this tall? I want to find the kid that did it to my kid, tip him upside down into some sand or a puddle, anywhere where oxygen is going to be an issue, right, and just leave him there. You wait for that one leg to start shaking so you know he’s down to his last breath, and then you turn him upside-right, and you grab him by his throat, you say something horrific. “You ever do that again, I’m gonna beat your mother to death with the family dog.” All right? [applause] Over. So yeah, a lot in my life has changed since I last came through here to Atlanta. I got married. That’s the big thing. Yes, I did. Very happy about that. I’m very happy because it was starting to get weird. It’s like 45 years old. “My girlfriend, yeah, we’re gonna go out and get some pop.” Going to parties, it was just weird. ‘Cause I hang out with people my age, and they all got married, they all had kids. I just couldn’t contribute when people were standing around talking about marriage… marriages and kids. I felt like a little kid, just sitting there going like, “The superintendent of the mayoral candidate will be bicoastal, bipartisan, with the Middle Eastern crisis, it’s just…” “It’s an advanced learning program. The deadline is May 11th. We have to stop the bullying…” “…with the superintendent of the mayoral candidate.” When the conversation would come around to me, I felt like I was eight years old. I’d just be like, “Did anybody see the YouTube video where the raccoon stole the cat’s food, and the cat was scratching him and the raccoon didn’t care? He just came in like this, like George Foreman, and then he reached out, he had hands. All of a sudden, he had hands. I didn’t know they had hands. He scooped it up and he ran away on paws. Did you guys know they had hands?” So now I’m married, so the next move is you’re supposed to have a kid, which I would love to do, but I’m 46 years old. I’m just thinking it’s too fucking late, ya know. Come on, man, I’m gonna have a kid, I’m gonna die of natural causes when the kid’s in fifth grade. Throwing him a Frisbee. “We used to use these on a Saturday.” Do a face plant. My kid’s standing there, “Mom, Dad’s sleeping again!” I feel hopelessly behind. All my friends have kids. Most of my friends who have kids are cool, but I got a couple of those who think now that they have a kid, that I don’t understand anything anymore. You know those people? The most basic shit. “Hey, man, it’s kind of cold out today.” “Dude, you don’t understand. You don’t understand cold till you got a two-year-old with a mitten up his ass and you’re trying to get chocolate off the other one’s face.” “All right, all right, I get it, you have a more complex life, but I still understand being cold, teeth chattering. Kind of lets me know. Right?” “Mine just turned six.” “Mine just turned seven.” I just feel hopelessly behind. So what I’m actually thinking of doing, I’m thinking about adopting. Yeah. Absolutely, recycle. You know? Think globally, act locally. Everything doesn’t have to be brand-new. You know? It’s like when you redo your kitchen. You got custom up top, you got IKEA down the bottom, right? I’d love to adopt. It’s a great thing to do. But if I do it, I’m not telling any of my friends. I’m just gonna show up with the kid one day, just to piss ’em off. “Mine just turned six.” “Mine just turned seven.” I’d love to just show up with an eight-year-old, like, “Dominoes! Yeah, now I get to tell you what you don’t understand. Seven-year-old? Wait till they turn eight, eight is such a funny age. Terrible twos? Try the instant eights! Bam! They’re just there, like…! With all their issues…!” I should do it, though. I should adopt. I think it’s a great thing to do, and I already know what I want to get. I do. I want to get, like, an ’07, ’08… always garaged, good dentition. Do you know what I would love to do? I’d love to rescue some kid that works in a sweatshop. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Like, find the kid that made this shirt? Just show up at the factory like, hey! “Come on, bring it in! Bring it in, you little maniac! How you doing? You’re going back to the States. L-shaped couch, flat screen TV. Get in the car, the rest of you keep sewing, but you, you’re coming home with me!” Yeah. Dude, how easy… how easy would that kid be to raise? After the hell he’s been through, all I gotta do is let him sit down. I am immediately the greatest human being this kid has ever met. Just bring him home. “Have a seat.” He’ll be like, “I get to sit down?” “Yeah, lay down on the couch.” He’ll be like, “It’s like a cloud! It’s like a cloud!” I’ll get him a bowl of Fritos, put on cricket or soccer, one of those sweatshop sports. I don’t know. The kid would love me. So that’s my first draft pick. All right? Coming out of the gate with that. In the second round, I’d probably get like an ’05 boy soldier, ya know. Yeah, shore up the offensive line. You gotta protect the blindside. That’s how fucked up the world is, there’s little boys out there fighting in wars. So that’s a twofer. I can drag him out of that hell, give him something of what’s left of his childhood, and, God forbid, if the dollar ever collapses, right? Shit goes south, zombies take over, I got backup. Everybody thinks I’m gonna be the problem, meanwhile, I got this sawed-off Chuck Norris… standing next to me, 170 kills, confirmed fucking kills. They’re not stories! Can make a flamethrower out of a vacuum cleaner and a toaster. You can’t coach that, right? I got to be honest with you, I feel like I’d have to go easier on the discipline with the boy solider. I might be nuts, but I feel like I could come down on the sweatshop kid, right? “I said get in there and clean up your goddamn room. I’m getting sick of this shit! Goes for you too if you want. But you! You’ve been out of line all day, mister! Don’t even start that shit! Don’t even start that shit. You say that every time. Yes, you do. Every fucking time you say that. You know the answer. You want me to say it again? I’ll break it down to you. You know why it is? You want to know why? ‘Cause you sew. All right? Yeah. You sew. Dude, he’s fucking killed people. Do you understand that? No, he doesn’t, he doesn’t have to make his bed too. No, he doesn’t. Because he doesn’t sleep in the bed, he’s out in the bushes all night, talking to himself, freaking me the fuck out, all right? Oh, fuck you, fuck you! He scares me too, he scares me too. Don’t even start that shit. You wanted a big brother, and I got you one. Don’t even start that shit, all right? All right, you’re right. Stop crying, stop crying. Shouldn’t have yelled at you. I just thought I could fucking bring him in, give him a couple of Pop Tarts, I figured he’d chill out. Fucking sitting there looking through his eyebrows, doing that Full Metal Jacket shit. No, you can’t give him back, it doesn’t work that way. There he is, there he is! What’s up, buddy? What’s going on? We were just talking about you, just doing, like, a little surprise thing. You feeling all right? You feeling all right? You’re not looking through those eyebrows, huh? Everything okay?” So I figure, uh… I don’t know if I’ll do it. Maybe I’m too selfish. I have no idea. I’m all over the fuckin’ map. Do you know what I want to do right now? I actually want to learn how to fly a helicopter, man. I do, that’s my latest thing. You know why it is? It’s ’cause I live in Los Angeles. Yeah, and it’s an absolute clusterfuck. When you go into land in that city, just look out the window, and just look at the complete lack of planning. There’s not even zoning laws. They’ll build, like, a skyscraper next to a house, next to a gun range, and then there’s, like, a fucking daycare center. Right? The city doesn’t even work even when everything else works, so God forbid, the dollar collapses or some crazy shit happens, where you gonna go in a city like that? See, you guys are all right out here in Atlanta. You’re all right. I don’t know, maybe in Atlanta might be crazy. You’re on the outskirts, you’re fine. You’re fine. You don’t live in a desert. You slam your face in a birdbath, you’re cool. Drink that water for a good 30 days. L.A., there’s nowhere to go. That’s why I love the helicopter. Dude, the helicopter is the ultimate “fuck this, I’m out” vehicle. All you gotta do is assess the situation. Zombie coming up the street? “Fuck this! This looks safe.” You just land it. You could sit there hovering. Just sit there in a hover watching everybody getting killed, sitting up there eating cheese and crackers with the red stick. Yeah, so I told my wife I want to fly a helicopter. She’s just like, “Yeah, no.” Which I know that came from a place of love, but it still kind of annoyed me. Just that she said that shit, then I was just gonna be like, “Oh, all right. Thought I was gonna get to do that, but you said no, so… there goes that. Hey, what other dreams aren’t I gonna get to achieve? Like, do you already know or are you waiting for me to ask?” Yeah, I’m still gonna do it, I’m just not gonna tell her. I’m just gonna go out and do it, pass the goddamn class, and when I get my license, I’m not going to tell her. I’m just gonna go out and buy a white silk scarf, and hang it by a nail in the living room. She’s just gonna be like, “What is that? What is that for? What does that mean?” “Yeah, someday you’ll see, someday you’ll see. When the shit hits the fan, and you’re freaking the fuck out, and I’m taking branches off some unforeseen helicopter.” “What is that?” “Shut the fuck up and get in!” Now you guys think I’m bullshitting, I’m not. I’m serious. I’m 100% in on this. And ever since I got into it, I’m seeing helicopters everywhere. I never realized how many helicopters there were. Driving down the street like Henry Hill looking up at them… doing key bumps and shit. “They’re after me! Swear to God!” I’m seeing stories about them! It’s just like that old advertising anecdote. “I never realized how many mattress commercials there were out there until I needed a mattress, and then all of a sudden, they’re all over the place. And then I bought a mattress and then it all went away.” It’s the same shit. I saw this story down in Orange County. Right? Down in Orange County, California. This guy gave helicopter tours for 30 years– 30 years without incident. Hands the business off to his son, the American dream. “I built it up for 30 years. Here you go, son. Make the family and the family name proud.” “All right, Dad, I love you.” All right? This poor kid, five days in, he’s supposed to give a tour to a couple, only the dude shows up. The kid thought it was weird, but he’s like, “I need the money. I gotta give him a tour.” Right? So he takes this guy up. Ten minutes into the tour, the dude fucking jumped out. Yeah, five days in. Five days in from the balloons and the cake. “We love you, son. Keep the family tree going. The traditional line.” Five fucking days later, this kid, he probably barely had the speech down. Just sitting there, flying the helicopter. “All right, if you look out the left side of the aircraft, that’s Orange County. There’s over 27 miles of beaches there. Put your seatbelt back on, 27 miles of beaches. Was established as a county in 1903. Sir, please don’t open the door. Sir, what are you doing? Sir, no, no. Don’t, don’t, stop, no, no! What the fuck? What the fuck? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What the fuck, what the fuck?! Fuck!” Air traffic control: “I don’t know who’s on this frequency, but you really need–” “Somebody just jumped out of the fucking helicopter!” Five days in. So I read further into the story. Turns out the guy who jumped out, he was 61 years old, terminally ill, he was in pain every day. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him, and he had had enough. At that point, that guy immediately became a hero in my world. Know what I love about him, not only did he make the decision, he didn’t go out like some pussy, right? Handful of pills, watching a romantic comedy, wrapped in an afghan that Nana made. Fuck that. Guy went out like a man. “Take me up in a chopper, I’m looking at the land I love, and then I’m jumping out like a superhero.” I loved it. Yeah. [applause] This guy should have been wearing a fucking cape. I can’t imagine how elated he must have been on that helicopter ride up after finally just taking back control of his life, like, “Fuck you, disease. I decide.” Ripping tubes out, gets a burger, shotguns a beer. “Take me up in the chopper.” He probably had his fucking foot on the dashboard. He’s not even listening to this guy giving the tour. Right? “Over 27 miles of beaches, put your seatbelt back on. Established as a county in 1903. Sir, please don’t try to open the door. No, no, don’t, don’t, don’t!” [screams] [imitates wind whipping] Incredible! But here’s the thing. I left out one small thing. There is one small thing. The guy fucking lived. Yeah. Yeah, they were out over the ocean, 500 feet up. You’d think that would be enough so, I’m thinking he must have gone in like Greg Louganis, like, no splash, just… But witnesses said it looked like a dummy was falling out of the air. So that sounds like a hell of an impact. I think he accidentally did the most epic 500-foot belly flop in the history of jumping out of a helicopter. But that didn’t change what he was trying to do. Where his heart was, I still love this guy. I just feel bad for him. On the way down, he’s got to be thinking, “Three more seconds of pain! Two more seconds!” Wham! [agonized scream] “Oh, my God, this is worse! This is way worse!” It has a happy ending, though. He later died at the hospital. That’s right. So here’s to him. God bless him. I hope I have the balls someday. So where do you go from there? Well, as I mentioned, last time I came through town, I wanted to get a gun. You know? I do. Yeah. But I’ve finally given up on that. I gave up on that dream. My wife doesn’t want me to get one, so. Yeah, she didn’t want– Dude, you got to pick your fucking battles. I’m gonna learn how to fly a helicopter on the sly, I can’t fucking have some .357 hanging around. “I’ll do whatever I want. All right? What I say goes! Eat it!” Can’t be that person. Now it fucking bums me out, ’cause all I wanted to do was just get a .22, that’s all I wanted. Perfect gun for home protection, .22 caliber. You’re laughing at that, sir? That’s not enough? I don’t know. I’m down South. What do you think? That’s not enough, right? You want– Shotgun, right? .44? You guys are out of your minds. You’re out of your fucking minds. Let me ask all you gun guys, who are gonna make fun if I had a .22. “What’s with your .22? That little queer gun. Do you keep it between your buttocks? Is that the holster? Is that what you do with your gay little gun? You need a big gun.” All you fucking guys. Let me ask you this, all you guys with your guns… have you ever shot the fucking thing without earplugs? Have you ever done that? Or you’re like most people, you take it down to the gun range, you put your earplugs in, put your headset on, take it out of the briefcase. You got your little yellow tinted fucking glasses, right? You look at your spread or whatever, and then you put it back in there, right? You ever shot that thing without fucking earplugs? ‘Cause that’s what’s gonna happen when that intruder comes in. You’re not gonna have time to be, “Hang on a second, let me just…” Yeah, you’re not gonna have time. Dude, I shot a five-shot .38 one time without earplugs. I was landscaping this guy’s yard. He comes out at the end of the job. “Hey, I got this five-shot .38. You want to go down the street? There’s a burned-out car. We can take a couple of shots.” You know what’s funny? Every other state is fuckin’ dying laughing at this point in the joke because it’s so goddamn ridiculous, until I get down to the South. And you guys just sit here staring at me like, “All right, so what happened? Pretty standard, I thought this was gonna be a comedy show. You’re reading from your journal? I don’t understand what the– It’s not a real compelling story.” I’m mowing a fucking lawn, and a stranger comes out with a weapon and says, “Let’s shoot it at a burned-out car!” Okay? Jesus Christ, can we agree on that? So I’m like, all right, let’s do it, fuck it. So I go down there. Never shot a gun before. I bring the gun up, point it at the car, I pull the trigger. I saw the muzzle flash, I felt a kick, I never heard the gun. I pulled the trigger, all I just heard was… [high-pitched tone] I shot the gun four more times. Never heard it. Didn’t get louder, didn’t get quieter. Just kept seeing flashes. [high-pitched tone] All right? So let’s take one of your fucking guns. Let’s just say, for the sake of argument. All right, you got that thing sitting on a nightstand, loaded. Right? For God’s sakes, tell me you have it there. Don’t be one of these people that has the gun here and the bullets there. You got the thing fucking loaded, ready to go. 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, this is when the psycho’s coming in too, right? That’s when they come in, 3:00, 4:00 in the morning. They don’t come by at 6:30 at night, as you’re cutting into a pork chop. “I’m out of my mind, I’m coming back in 20 minutes, so stretch out your hammies ’cause it’s gonna get crazy.” That’s not how it works. They wait till you’re dead asleep, 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, right before REM sleep is kicking in. So let’s just say for the sake of argument, all you gun guys, you got your thing loaded, right? Your piece, right? Right there, loaded for bear. You’re lying there, same scenario, right? One leg under the covers, one without. Shirt. 4:00 in the morning, you’re just… [snoring] Meanwhile, some psycho, sneaking in through the living room window, right? He brings in a fucking sickle. And he’s just listening. Listens all the way down that hall and he just hears… [snoring] He’s trying not to squeak on the floorboards. And you’re just fucking lying there. [snoring] All of a sudden, that little dog on the floor is just like… [low growling] [growling and snoring continue] “What’s the matter? What’s the matter? What’s the matter? What’s the matter, boy? You hear something? What’s the matter? What are you barking for? You’re shaking. What’s the matter, huh? You hear something? What’s–? Come on, man, quit fucking around. I got to go to work tomorrow.” [snoring] All of a sudden, boom! That door flies open. You just see this shadowy figure. You pick up that gun. Blam! [high-pitched tone] And you fucking miss! You miss! You can’t see, now you can’t hear. That’s two out of five senses! What, are you gonna taste him as he comes around the bed? You’re still gonna be shooting over here. Meanwhile, you see this strobe light psycho coming around the fucking bed. Takes off your head. If you had the .22, you could still hear. Your ears would be ringing, but you could hear that fucker coming across, and you could shoot at him, and he would leave. He would leave. You guys just won’t get off the fact that it’s a fuckin’ .22. You’re, like, psychotic with this shit. All right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me– I will extend an olive branch to you people, okay? I get it. I get it that a .22 is basically a ‘roided-up BB gun. I got it, okay? I understand that if you actually want to kill somebody, you have to basically have the gun up to somebody’s head and be throwing a jab as you pull the trigger. I understand that. Okay? But I maintain, I don’t care who the fuck the toughest person is in this house. I could defend my house with a BB gun. I don’t give a fuck how tough you are. I don’t care. If I started shooting at you with a BB gun, at the very least, you have to go back outside and regroup. That’s a fact. That is a fact. If I caught you in your elbow, that might be the end of your night. “Look, I’m coming back, I’m coming back!” I’ve been trying to get along with my wife better. I’m trying to dial down the douchebaggery in my relationship. I’m not turning out the pilot light, though. All right? I’m keeping some fight in me. I’m not gonna be that henpecked guy just standing there like, “I guess we’re making holiday cookies.” That dude with the bowed shoulders. “She makes them and then I’m supposed to sprinkle the sugar on them. I don’t even think they taste that good, but just–” No, I stand my ground sometimes. Sometimes I let it go. You just got to figure it out. We had a fight the other night, she got so mad at me, she was like, “You can just sleep downstairs. You can just sleep downstairs.” I couldn’t believe it. It’s one of the most arrogant things I’ve ever heard in my life. One adult telling another adult where they can sleep. “You can just sleep downstairs.” Like I was just gonna sit up in bed, grab a blanket like Linus. “All right. Hey, where downstairs, by the way? Like, over here downstairs, or like more over here? Where should I sleep?” It’s like, are you out of your mind? I go, “I’m not sleeping downstairs.” She’s like, “Where you gonna sleep, then?” I’m like, “Where I always sleep. I will fucking sleep on your side of the bed if I want to! What are you gonna do? I’m bigger than you. I’ll hang onto the covers, try to get me out. No tickling. Go ahead!” Yeah, I was like, “You don’t tell me where to sleep. I sleep where I want to sleep.” She’s like, “Well, you don’t tell me where to sleep.” I’m like, “I’m not the one telling people where to sleep!” It was one of those classic relationship fights. It’s like 2:00 in the morning, you’re both half naked. She’s not wearing a bra, you got half a ball hanging out. “And another thing! No, no, I need to say this! The other day, I felt slighted!” It’s fuckin’ unreal, but what kills me is that there’s actually guys out there that will actually listen to that shit. Yeah, you talk to them, they’ll be, “Hey, how’s it been going?” “It’s been rough last of couple nights downstairs on the couch. You know how that is, right?” No, I don’t. I don’t understand. How did you get yourself into that situation? Like, what are you afraid of? What is she gonna do if you say no? What, is she gonna fucking chokeslam you onto the kitchen table? I understand if you’re dating some woman and she does that UFC MMA shit, then you got to sleep where she says to sleep, you got to. She’s gonna come at you. “Well, let’s get you in an arm bar.” “All right, all right, all right!” Tapping out. Or even worse, she chokes you out. You wake up on the couch, like, 11 minutes later. Just grab your jacket off the back of the couch. “I fucking hate when she does this. It’s like, it’s not even fair. Have a debate like a normal person.” All right? I’m gonna talk somebody down from a ledge here, someone who’s actually been sleeping on the couch, okay? So there’s the first fear, out the window. Okay, she can’t physically dominate you, so that’s gone. What’s the next fear? She’s gonna cut off the sex. Yeah, rub one out. Neutralized. It’s the most empty threat there is. Do it right in front of her. “Join me!” Yeah. I’ve never understood that threat. That’s like somebody putting a chain around your refrigerator, but you got a sandwich in your pocket, a never-ending sandwich, like some biblical shit, like Jesus with the fucking bread or whatever. So now what’s the last thing she can do? What can she do now? Be moody? You can’t handle that? Walk by your TV without looking at you. Only make herself something yummy out in the kitchen. Who gives a fuck? My wife does that, I just sit there, I just start commentating. “Here she comes again, walking by the TV. She really must be mad.” She’s never body-slammed me once, ever. I’m not saying to be a dick. All right? I’m just saying, you got to keep them honest. Every once in a while, you got to have a little pushback. “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.” Rest of the shit– I’m learning that about women. You just want to keep them calm. Just keep them calm, like a rescue dog, right? Just everything’s cool, everything’s cool, just, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is great, this is great, I’m having a great time. No, your friends are awesome, your friends are awesome, very interesting party. I am talking to people, I’m talking to people, I am having a good time here.” That’s what you do. You just do that enough, then when you bark back, you got a little something. Here’s an olive branch I’ve extended to her. It’s basically… We fight a lot over television. I’ve kind of come her way, she’s come my way. She watches a little bit of sports, I occasionally will watch a romantic comedy. Which, I don’t care, the nerd’s gonna fuck the cheerleader. I’ll watch it, right? I don’t mind them, it’s an uplifting story. I just don’t like the love scenes in romantic comedies. They creep me out. They’re just so fucking nice. It’s, like, missionary-style. There’s candles. That stupid saxophone music. [imitates saxophone] It always goes down. Like the saxophone implies the penetration, right? ‘Cause they can’t show it. They got to make her this one-dimensional, this little angel. They ignore the other 90% of her sexuality. No hair-pulling, no ass-slapping, none of that shit. None of that taboo stuff of a woman’s sexuality. That’s never brought up. That whole “Hold me down but let me up, but hold me down. Choke me, but let me breathe, but kind of scare the shit out of me a little bit. I want to feel your power but I want to be safe, but let me know if you really wanted to.” That whole Fifty Shades of Rape, whatever the hell that is. Yeah. I don’t even pretend to understand it. I remember the first time a woman wanted to get me to choke her a little bit. I didn’t even know what she was doing. I was just so psyched to be getting laid, I was like… And she just kept taking my hand, and she kept putting it right here. I didn’t know what she was doing. I thought she was testing my core strength or some shit. And finally, I was just like, “What are you doing?” She says, like, “I don’t know. I just kinda like, ya know. It’s like squeeze a little bit and kind of like squeeze it. Why don’t you want to do it? It’ll be fun.” Why don’t I want to do it? I don’t think I want a passed-out naked woman with my fingerprints all around her neck. Having the cops show up. “Yeah, she’s in here, Officer. Damndest thing, it was her idea. I swear to God, it was her idea!” Yeah, they always make it nice in those movies. The raciest thing they’ll do is every once in a while, they’ll kiss up against a wall. I guess women like walls. I didn’t know that. A lot of up-against-the-wall kissing. “Oh, my God, it’s the wall. Oh, my God! It’s supporting me, maybe he’ll support me, it’s a metaphor, I love it.” Yeah, I saw one the other night, they were doing that, and then out of nowhere, they started having sex up against the wall. I’m like, finally, something a little bit more interesting, right? But they were doing it standing up facing each other, missionary-style. Arguably one of the most difficult positions there is, and they were doing it with little to no difficulty. All she did was lift her leg up like that, and that was it. He was off to the races. I ruined the movie for my wife. I’m like, “That is fucking bullshit! Bullshit.” What does the guy have, like, a U-shaped dick? How is he doing anything? Is he sticking it in her navel? Did he grease up her thighs, to hell with her needs? Like, if all she’s gonna do is this, she’s got to bring it up like an offsides call, if that’s what she’s doing. All right? If not, you got to make some adjustments. You just got to grab the other leg, you got to try to pick her up there, use these muscles. [screaming] Maybe you could grab a doorjamb, drop down, try to come in, try to do that. Dude, nobody can do that other than a porn star for longer than 18 seconds before they’re like, “All right, this is ridiculous, okay? My calves are burning, I can’t get nearly enough momentum to do any sort of damage. I can literally feel you getting on with your day with every pathetic attempt to try and rock your world.” These guys in the movie, they have no problem banging away, then they pick them up like they’re not heavy. They start walking down, they see the bed, they just lay her down on the bed. Dude, I’m not trying to be a dick, but every woman in here is heavy. Yeah, you’re heavy. You’re an adult female! Jesus Christ, when do you stop picking up your kids? When they’re, like, five or six? “Get off of me! Jesus Christ. You’re gonna throw out my back. Go jump on your brother.” An adult woman weighs 115 pounds, 120, all the way up to God knows what. And it’s not balanced weight. Most of it’s in your thighs and in your ass. Your head’s hanging off trying to counterbalance. Dude, when guys go to the gym, we don’t put 30 pounds on one side and a buck-80 over here. “Fuckin’ yeah!” Yeah, it’s ridiculous. Trying to carry a naked woman, it’s like trying to carry a half-filled waterbed mattress. You’re, like, bumping into shit. When you see the bed, you don’t walk to it, you slowly start picking up momentum. Then she bounces off this mattress, hits the wall, slides down, the whole sex vibe’s ruined, and you’re back to your sandwich in your pocket. All right, I’m out of time. You guys were awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. I had a great time. I’ll see you next time. Thank you. [cheers and applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

LOUIS C.K.: SHAMELESS (2007) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-shameless-2007-full-transcript/

Please welcome Louis C.K.! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thanks, that’s very nice. Hello, everybody. How are ya? Woo! Good, thanks for- thank you, oh, good. Thanks, thanks for coming, thanks for being here. Thanks for not dying before you got here. Which could’ve happened. – Thanks for getting through the traffic. I drove here, and on the way here I saw a bumper sticker on a car, and it said, uh, it said “tell your girlfriend I said thanks.” isn’t that a little personal for a bumper sticker, really? A bumper sticker should be like, “hey, I’m in front of you, buh-baa,” whatever, you know. Not, “hey, I fucked your girlfriend.” You really want that on your car all day for whoever’s behind you? “tell your girlfriend I said thanks,” how does he know I’m not behind him just getting mad, and… Crazy, taking it personal, “motherfucker… ” I follow him home, I get out of my car in his driveway with a pipe, “what the fuck does that mean?” thank her for what, exactly? – wait a minute, you fucked my girlfriend? Then you made that bumper sticker and found me in traffic and got in front of me? Woo! Motherfucker. And I just beat him to death with a pipe right there in his driveway, mm, mm! And jerk off on his corpse. Didn’t need that part. Didn’t need it. The story was totally complete without the jerking off on the corpse. It’s too late. I was at a bar the other night, it doesn’t matter where because I’m lying. But, um- I was… – I was at a bar, and, uh, um, I was waiting for the bathroom for a really long time, there was a guy in the bathroom and I’m waiting for him. And then after a while, this guy that works there walks by, he goes, “are you still waiting?” and I’m like, “yeah.” So he bangs on the door and he goes, “come, asshole, shit and get out!” and then he walks away. I was in New York, I went to a-uh, I went to this Polish meat place in New York, and I go to the guy at the  counter,  I was like, “hey, could I get a sandwich?” and he’s like, “yes!” and he just made me a sandwich. Heh, heh, heh. That was it, he didn’t ask me what kind or anything, he  just made  it. It had, like, raisins and bones in it. What the fuck? – people from other countries eat weird food, man. I was in Chinatown, and, uh, you know one of the  groceries- I know  that’s not another country, but, uh, you know – ha ha ha – you-you know the grocery stores in Chinatown, they’re for the Chinese people, they eat their actual  food, and, uh, I  was in one of those, and they-they had duck vaginas, I swear to god. A huge barrel of fuckin’ duck vaginas… With a scoop stuck in it. Yeah! – and I’m  standing there just  staring at this fucking huge… And I’m thinking, could we possibly dominate a species more than that? – than that-we’re selling their vaginas in a fucking  barrel. – Ducks are  just like, “dudes… Jesus. “You won the war, take it easy, you don’t have to sell our vaginas.” – I didn’t get any, because I don’t want to know- what if I  love duck vaginas? I don’t want to find out. – It’s not like millions of things taste like a fucking duck vagina, it would be very specific to be addicted to that. Not for me. I have this friend,  he has a phone that can “im,” he can instant message, and so now I really want him to die, because I’m sick of getting these fucking messages from him on  his phone. “I’m in a show store.” that’s the whole message! We’re not secret agents, I don’t need to know where you are. So I get this message from him, he says, “I’m on an  airplane in Seattle.” So  I wrote back and I said, “well, I hope your plane crashes.” – And he gets pissed off and he calls me, “take it back, we’re about to take off.” I’m like, “fuck you, I hope it  crashes. I don’t have to take it back.” Hope it crashes twice. Hope it crashes and kills half of you and they go, “fuck it, let’s fly again,” and they  take off and crash again. I  hope that happens. Sincerely I hope it. And he-he tries to make it-he goes, “well, how are you gonna feel now if my plane crashes after you went  and said that?” I’m like, are  you shittin’ me? That would be amazing! To know that I can do that? I’d happily trade your life for knowledge of my powers. He’s one of those guys who just makes you hate him, because, uh, you know when you have a friend that you hate? You can’t break up with your friends, you know? He always starts conversations that I  don’t want to have. You know,  he’s like, “hey, what would you do if you had a time machine?” I’m like, fuck you. I don’t – you know what? I wouldn’t use it. I’d just let it sit  in my house. I’d put a drink on  it, you know, I got a time machine, I never even went in it. I don’t know, I’m not interested. I’d use it to go back 30 minutes ago and punch  you in the fucking face before you  ask me that. That’s all. One use. So he goes, “well, here’s what I would do.” ‘Cause of course that’s the whole fucking point of asking me,  is to stare at me while I say mine  and then say his. So he said if he had a time machine, he would’ve killed Hitler, like, he would go back and kill Hitler. I love that he  thinks he could just kill Hitler just  ’cause he just goes back there and walk up and kill the dude. And I was thinking, that’s a noble purpose for a time machine, I would do  that. But I would’ve gone back with him  but I wouldn’t have killed Hitler. I would’ve raped him. That’s what I thought. Because I think that would’ve been enough, I think that  would’ve stopped him from doing all that  shit. If he had been raped by me, he never would’ve pulled any of that stuff, man. “Should we invade Poland?” “No, I’ll just take a  shower, I don’t feel good.” – low self- esteem, and, you know… I’m not condoning rape, obviously, you should never rape anyone. Um, unless you have a reason, like you want to fuck somebody and they won’t let you, in which case, uh… – what other option do you have? How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you don’t rape them?  Like, what the fuck? Ha ha ha. Ok. That’s fucked up. So, here’s a weird thing that happened to me. I have this, uh, I have this t-shirt, and it says “awesome possum” on it. And  it’s got a picture of a possum. I know  it’s stupid, but a friend of mine gave it to me- fuck you, I bought it. I thought it was cool. But, uh, I- I’d never seen anybody with  that same shirt before, with the awesome  possum shirt, and I was in this coffee place in L.A., you know, like a coffee-not like, uh, like Starbucks, like an indie coffee place  where all the cool people go, and they’re  like, ooh- eh-heh-eh-heh… – they got their, like, snow hats in the fucking summer and all that shit, you know, those cool people.  Huh, uh, and their iPods. And they say cool  things like, “yeah, me, too.” or whatever, you know. – And I just stand in the doorway and fucking hate them. I don’t know why I go  to the place, I think it’s ’cause I hate  them. I just hate- there’s a certain part of the culture I just hate. ‘Cause I grew up in Boston, and in Boston, people just beat the  shit out of each other. For no reason. They just beat the shit out of each other. But I kind of think you need that, you know, to keep quality control. ‘Cause in places where that doesn’t happen, people are justoo free,  and fuckin’- they’re just a bummer, you know? Like I was once on Venice beach and I’m jogging, and there’s this guy rollerblading  towards me. And he’s-he’s got rollerblades on, and just a thong, just a fucking thong, that’s just grabbing this dick and balls and just fighting with it, going, “ah, stay in  there!” – and then he’s just total naked  otherwise, and he’s got this Kenny “g” hair, and he’s just rollerblading, like- “I’m free!” – and I actually had to stop jogging,  ’cause I needed my whole body to fucking hate  this guy with. I had to just… – stand there going, “oh, you motherfucker.” – Now I have to know you exist, you piece of shit.  Fucking go skate into an aids tree, you motherfucker. All right, now. I don’t know, I’ve started to kind of hate people, and it’s not because I have anything against them, it’s  just I-I enjoy it, it’s just recreation.  Like, you know when you’re at the bank and you got nothing to do while you’re waiting in line, so you just pick people to hate while  you’re waiting? You just look at someone and  form an opinion with no information. And it’s never positive. Who fucking wastes their time- “I bet he’s a hard worker.” Who thinks  about that shit? – Skip over those people. Then you find a guy- “oh, look at his shoes, what a fucking asshole. Oh, look at that piece of shit, hope he dies today. Oh, god, I  hate him.” “I hate him!” you watch all the  shit- “yeah, fill that out, you fuck face. “fill it out. Yeah, you filled it out, I knew it. You suck.” he’s just standing there, he  has no idea you’re just boiling with hate,  you know? – I feel people hating me sometimes, you know, like, uh, I was at the post office, and I’m at the line-you know, it was one  of those things where there’s a long line  and one window open. So everyone is just like, “aah!” everyone’s mad. But when you’re in the line, you’re in the hate group. You get to  be part of the group, and you’re all  looking at each other going, “huh, huh… ” “hmm,” like a silent movie of impatient people, you know. Then there’s always one person who  breaks the silence, somebody who has an idea, you know, like- “they should open another window.” – and everybody’s like, “yeah, I know, “totally, they don’t even know. They  don’t even know how to do anything.” – then  there’s always an old lady who has a story. “I was here on Wednesday… ” – “and there was also a line like this.” Holy shit,  really?! Oh, my god, you fucking old lady, that’s  amazing! – well, anyway, then it’s your turn at the window, right? And now everybody’s looking at you, and you feel the  scrutiny of how quickly you’re mailing your shit, you  start realizing how unimportant your package is, and you feel like they can tell. “Fuck, get out of there. You don’t need  to mail that right now.” And it’s like… – If you do one  little extra thing like, “do you have those stamps that have Jackie Robinson?” behind your ear, like, you hear, “pfff,  Jesus. Fuck it, dude.” They put their shit down heavily  like, “fuck! “Now this motherfucker’s gonna make me stand here “while he buys fucking stamps at the post office? “Are  you shitting me? “let’s shit in his mouth right now, seriously. “Let’s-you fucking hold him down, and I will shit directly into his fucking time-wasting mouth.” But anyway,  yeah, so I was in the coffee place, uh, with the young  people. And they’re- “ooh, heh, heh, heh,” and I’m standing in the doorway just fantasizing about walking around just  hitting their cups to the floor, like this, you know.  Bagel, and coffee… And bagel… Ha ha ha. And I see this guy, he’s like 20 years old, and he has the “awesome possum” shirt. Just like mine! So, I went like this, I went,  like, “hey, nice shirt.” And he went, “pfff”, and he walked away, like I’m a piece of shit. And I stood there, and I was so  mad, I just thought, “fuck him, man. We have the same  shirt!” It’s an unusual shirt. It’s perfectly appropriate to fucking do this shit. – Why does he have to make me feel like  an old fag just ’cause I want to make a connection  with another human being? Is his generation just too cool and ironic, “eh, ooh, that’s lame. The older guy wanted to- ooh,  heh, eh.” Fucking young cunt, I hope he dies. Like, that’s how-that’s how mad I was. – And as I’m standing there, like, in that anger, I look down and I realize I’m not wearing  the shirt, I don’t have it- ha ha ha ha. I don’t  know why I thought I did, I just- I saw his, and- “duh, me too, duh! Duh!” Hey, this is interesting. The other day, a guy told  me to suck a bag of dicks. That was interesting. I  never heard that before. Total stranger told me to suck a bag of dicks. A whole bag of them! He was angry, he didn’t just,  you know, “suck a bag of dicks,” like a greeting. “oh,  suck a bag of dicks to you, too, sir, thank you very much.” yes. It’s a lovely day for sucking several bags of dicks. Ha  ha. No, what happened was, I- I cut him off in traffic.  It was just one of those things where it just- I had to get in, and no one was in my car to judge me, and I just  fucking, you know, I just decided- he’s not me, so I don’t care  what happens to him, and I just cut him off, it was just a shitty thing to do. And it was bad, ’cause he was  coming fast ’cause he didn’t imagine in a million years someone  could be that big of an asshole. And so when I did it, he had to slam on his brakes, and his dog went pff! In  the windshield, it was really very bad. – very bad. And the worst  part is, when you cut people off, they don’t vanish, they’re behind you now, so… – looking back and he’s  like, “fucking ass!” and he’s so mad! And he keeps trying to get next  to me, ’cause he just wants to see my fucking face. He’s just dying, he’s like, “I gotta see this  cocksucker, now. I gotta see the fucking face of the piece of shit that just  did that to me.” and I keep cutting him off, ’cause I don’t want him to see I’m ashamed of what I  did. No-nope you don’t. Finally we get to a red light, and I gotta face him,  only ’cause there’s a car in front of me, otherwise I would’ve fucking blown right through there.  But there he is, just- “rr-aah!” just furious. And I’m going, like, “yeah, I  know, it was awful, “I shouldn’t have done it. I’m not mad, I was wrong, why would I be mad?” and  he’s like, “well, fuck you!” then he starts going like this, ’cause he wants me  to roll my window down. Like I’m supposed to take part in my own abuse, during this argument.  “oh, I’m sorry, I don’t want to miss this. What do you have to say about me, yes?”  – “how rude of me to shut out your anger with my-” so I did, I rolled it down, I’m  interested. – and he goes, “hey, asshole!” I’m like, “yeah?” he says, “suck a bag of dicks!”  then he drove away. And I was kind of sad that he drove away, because I had a lot  of questions. – that concept of sucking a bag of dicks, it’s just weird. Like, first of all,  when you picture a bag of dicks… – what do you see when you picture a bag of  dicks? Is it like a plastic bag and they’re all mushing together like chicken parts- – with a date  written on it with sharpie, keep it in the freezer. Or is it, like, a paper  bag and they’re sticking out like baguettes, kinda like? You went shopping- bringing home the bag of  dicks for the kids. – here you go, Susie, take a blue one, you know? Ha ha  ha, I don’t know, they were hanging in a window somewhere, “give me two of those.” and how do you suck a  bag of dicks? What does he want me to do? Does he want me to take a bag  of dicks and suck it-like suck the side of the bag? Or do-does he want me to open the bag and suck each  dick individually? – throw the used ones in a bowl like edamame shells?  Like that? – do I have to make them all come? You know, like how- – I don’t know, I never even sucked one dick, so it’s not an area that I understand. I’ve never-I’ve never  sucked a dick. Isn’t that weird? I’ve never sucked a dick. My whole life. That’s weird to me. It is, it’s  weird. Because almost everybody has sucked a dick. When you think about it, most people on earth suck dicks. It’s true. Because 51% of the population are women, and they suck  dicks, then there’s all the gay guys that suck dicks, then there’s  all the straight guys who have been forced to suck a dick under various circumstances, so, what, there’s only  like a thousand of us out there who’ve- never blew anyone. Just a  bunch of selfish assholes that are fuckin’ gettin’ blown and not blowing back, you know? It’s like, that’s what  people do, we all fuckin’ suck dicks and I haven’t done it, and-  I don’t have, like, a big reason not to, either. I don’t have a policy against sucking a dick, it’s not something I’m against doing, I just have never seen a dick I wanted to  suck. That’s really what it comes down to. I’ve never seen a penis that inspired me to suck it. Every dick I’ve ever seen has bummed me out, I hate ’em, I-I hate them. They  ruin my day when I see them, but that’s just so far. – I mean, what the fuck do I know? There might be the-this  guy right here might have a beautiful dick, this guy- if I saw  his dick… – woo! – I might go, “oh, fuck, that shit’s going in my mouth right now,” and I’d just fucking- and I’d have to blow him. – Fucking hold him down and blow him. That’s the kinda-I would, like, rape blow people, that’s what I would-like, hold the guy down and blow him to spite him. That’s the kind of shit I would do. Just to, you know… – I’m just saying I’m not prejudiced. I haven’t seen that many, there’s billions- literally, billions of dicks in  the world, and I’ve seen, like, 40 at the most, so how the fuck would I know? What, is that too many? – ha ha, yeah, that’s too many, right? 40, Jesus Christ. I’m only 39,  that’s a dick a year plus another one. Why am I saying 40? That’s a lot. That’s like 2 bags of dicks right there, at least, 40 dicks? All right. – I ver understood people, uh, uh- judging people for the way they have sex. Some people get angry at homosexuals just for being gay, they get mad at them, urr! I never really understood that, you know?  Because they’re just having sex with each other. It’s not-like  I could understand if gay people were just running out in the streets just fucking people in the ass willy-nilly,  just like a pestilence. Like, without asking, you know? Like  you’re at the atm, “hey! What the fuck? “Jesus, god damn it. “some faggot just fucked me right in the ass.  “seriously! “fucking right through my pants, he fucking ruined my new  pants. This is fucking bullshit.” – “Another one- god damn it! I gotta get the fuck home. This is ridiculous.” – but they generally don’t do that, so I don’t know what the  fucking problem is. People get mad. They don’t want them to get- “don’t get married.” Well, you don’t have to go to the wedding. What the fuck? You don’t have to buy them  anything. It doesn’t matter. Some people go, like, “well, then a guy will marry his dog.” Good, fucking-I  hope he blows his dog- who gives a shit? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have any effect on your life. What the fuck do you care? Or people that try to think-talk like it’s a social issue. Like when you see someone stand up in a talk show and say, “how am I supposed to explain to my child… That two men are getting married?” I don’t know, it’s your  shitty kid, you fucking tell them. Why is that- yone else’s problem? Two  guys are in love but they can’t get married ’cause you don’t want to talk to your ugly child for fucking 5 minutes? – who fucking cares about your shitty kid? He’s probably a  faggot anyway. – How stupid is that? All right. Stupid. I don’t know. The only, um, thing that bums me out, though, is that you’re not supposed to laugh at gay people when  they’re funny. ‘Cause sometimes they just are. They’re funny, like, I lived in New York for a lot of my life, and  in my neighborhood, everybody was gay, and-and, you know, some  guys are just a guy walking down the street, but some gay guys are a guy in little shorts and a half shirt, and,  you know, combat boots spray-painted green, and a whistle, and  he’s standing on the corner going, “hello! It’s fucking hot outside.” that’s not a stereotype. Those guys fucking  exist by the thousands. And when I see them I laugh really  loud, I just do. And people are like, “don’t laugh at him ’cause he’s gay.” no, I’m not, I’m laughing ’cause he’s  fucking weird and silly! He’s hilarious. – how am I supposed  to react? Hello! Oh, hello, hello, yes? Seriousness is-yes. It’s stupid. The only-actually, the one guy I would  blow, uh- based on- based on who he is, is Ewan McGregor. There  is this one guy out there, I gotta say, that I have no gay inclinations except for I met this fucking dude in  person, I was working on some awards show, and there he’s  standing, right there, and I was like, fuck! Like, I was just blown away. Like, Jesus Christ, he’s fucking beautiful! –  and he looked at me, and he’s like, “hello.” and I was  like- I fucking shivered, like, I started shivering, like, fuck! He’s fuckin’ gorgeous. – and like a week later, I was  just-I was, like, staring off into space somewhere, and I  realized- fuck! I was just daydreaming about Ewan McGregor! – like, seriously, I’m not gay in any other way except for  I want touck that guy right in the face, I totally want  to fuck his face. I want to fuck the shit out of his face. I want him to fucke. I do, I want him to fuck me. Oh. I don’t  really have a shot with him, I think, because- ha ha ha  ha! I just don’t rape movie stars, I’m not really- I’m fucking fat. It’s ridic-like, I even wear- like, I have this  problem now, my pants keep- like, I can’t keep them- they  won’t stay up, because-here’s what happens. Ok, you get fat, and some of you skinny people- won’t-I don’t give a shit  about you, won’t get this. I hate skinny people because  they don’t empathize with fat guy problems. They just don’t-like, you ever have a skinny friend, your trying to tell  them, like, I just-I just wish I could have 1 donut and  fucking walk away, I wish I could do that, I wish I had the power to eat a donut, and… And your skinny friend’s like- well, just eat the donut, then, what’s the big deal? You  should totally… – just have a donut if you want one, you should totally go ahead and have one. Just enjoy yourself,  have a donut if you like them. Fuck you, you don’t get it.  It’s a whole- spiral that begins with the donut, later I’m killing hookers, I don’t even remember what happened. –  but, so, here’s what happens. You get fat, and your pants  start to get tight. Right? And then you get fatter, ’cause it’s not like, “oh, I’ll stop eating now,” you know? – and  then suddenly, all your pants fucking hurt. Like, every  pair of pants hurts. And then you eat even more, ’cause it’s like, “fuck it now, man, who even cares?” – fat shit.  Fucking obsessed with food. I went to this fucking, uh, uh,  thing with my wife and kids where it was like the kids and their kid friends and it’s just a house full of assholes,  you know, that have kids. And I’m just standing there,  “fuck it, I just want to kill myself.” I just want a bomb to drop on the whole house and take us all out. And I get in  there, but then there’s a plate of cookies. And, like, as  soon as I’m like, that’s what I’m doing, I’m eating every fucking cookie on that plate. That’s what I’m here-that’s  what this all is, is fucking that. So-and you have to have a  strategy, you know. You can’t just fucking, uh, you can’t just fucking stand there and just fucking- – you have to,  like, sort of keep rediscovering the cookies, you know? You  have to walk over, go like, “oh, hey… ” – so, who brought those? That’s cool… You do this, this means, like, I  totally could not eat it, but fuck it, I’ll just- don’t want  to hurt the people’s feelings who brought the cookies. Mm, that’s interesting, I could take it or leave it. Totally  fucking radar back there. Ok, new people around the dish, do  it again-“hey… ” – if people start noticing, you have to say something like, “these are crazy, like, I’m addic- I  don’t know what it is about them.” yeah, it’s the fucking  cookies, it’s not “you’re a piece of shit that can’t stop eating anything.” but, um… So here’s what happens, though,  you get fat enough, though, what happens is your belly  starts to push out like this, and then it pushes your pants down to your pelvis, ’cause they won’t hang in the normal  place anymore. And then down there, they feel loose, and  you start going, “hey! Losing weight, eh? I’m coming down!” – “my pants are getting loose, I am getting thinner. I ate  my way through to the other side, I did!” – fuck it, I  don’t give a shit, I’m fat. Look at this shit. I don’t fucking care. Look at that. – woo! – I don’t care. It’s just a  sweaty ball of fucking flesh. I don’t care. Look how  fucked up this is, too, it goes right in. Like, it goes at a right angle and hits my pelvis. It doesn’t, like, slope back  down. It fucking goes in, and then back up. It’s  fucked up. – like, when I’m in the shower and I’m scrubbing like this, when I get down there, I gotta turn in like this, I gotta  actually make a turn. I gotta fuckin’ cut in…  Where the crevice gets fucking filthy. It’s ridiculous. – it is, it’s like a theater seat. There’s like fucking- receipts and  shit, and popcorn, and- – fucking kids toys, and,  oh, fuck, what the hell? My body’s just falling apart, man, I got tits now, too. I just got tits. – and that is a fucked up day  in a man’s life… When you look in the mirror  and you realize-fuck, I got- ’cause you don’t see them coming! They’re sort of pouting out, little by little, and then one day,  they just fucking fall a little, and that’s it,  you have tits. And they’re there for good, they’re not gonna, like, go back, it’s fucking over. That’s the thing is that I’m 39,  I’m not gonna get better. I’m not going to be  all ripped when I’m 48. It’s fucking over. It’s this or a lot worse for the rest of my life. But the tits were the worst, ’cause I  used to laugh at guys with tits, that shit  ain’t funny to me anymore. – ’cause that was an awful moment, I’m just standing there looking, and-got all these feelings. They must  be the same feelings that a teenage girl  has when she gets her tits! It must be the same… It’s the only thing that a 12-year-old girl and a 40-year-old man have in common is  that moment. Nothing! Have to carry my  books like this now. – I don’t know. You know what the thing is? I don’t give a shit. I don’t care about how I look. I’m bald, I’m fat, I  don’t give a fuck. I’m married, I got  2 kids, and my wife hates me, what, am I gonna get laid if I lose a few pounds? Who fuckin’ cares? Like I’m gonna get mad pussy if I suddenly look better? No. That shit is over  for me forever. And I’m glad, I really am. I’m relieved. Now when I see a beautiful girl walking down the street, I’m like, “hey,  fuck you, I don’t give a shit.” – ew. Go fuck  somebody else, I’ll jerk off to you later, probably have a better time. – not like she would’ve fucked the shit out of me anyway,  you know, like she would’ve given me her best.  I never really got the best out of a beautiful woman. I had sex with a few beautiful women, and they didn’t really rock out on my  dick so much. It was more like, kind of like,  “all right, why not, give it a-he’s kind of funny,” you know, just sort of a- begrudging fuck in a weird situation with a lot of regret afterwards. I’ve been there, like-I was  in Oklahoma city, and I slept with this beautiful-beautiful woman, she was so hot, and she got really drunk and she fucked me, and  the next morning, I wake up and she’s looking  at me, she’s like, “oh, god. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my, I can’t believe ya’ll got to fuck me. I can’t believe-” she was bummed ou I  feel like-I think she felt like she had raped  herself with my dick, that’s actually, like, how she felt. – that’s so weird to realize that you were somebody’s bottom, like, you  are somebody’s place that they got to. That  they sayou in their bed and went, “oh, fuck. “ok, all right. “I gotta totally stop all this shit now. “fuck… “f-I gotta-oh, I gotta  go back to school, “I gotta fuckin’- – concile with my dad, I- oh, fuckin’ shit.” I never had a period in my life where I was, like, really going hog-wild with the babes. I had  a-it was late for me when I started  having sex, I was 18 before anything happened to me, uh, my girlfriend gave me a hand job. First thing that happened to me sexually ever, and  I mean, it was awesome, it was  great. Because, uh, nobody had ever touched my dick, nobody in the world had touched my dick. My dick had touched a lot of things- because- that’s  what you do when you’re a  young boy, you touch your dick to many surfaces around the world, just fucking looking for anything that feels good enough-that, uh, you don’t have to  talk to a girl. That’s  the whole… But finally I got this girlfriend, and we’re making out, and she reached down, and she put her hand around my dick, and I fuckin’ lost-first of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. And – ha ha ha ha, no – I started farting, it wasn’t just-ph, ph, ph! It was throughout, and she’s laughing.  Phh, phh-“ha ha  ha ha!” that’s how my sex life started, ok? That’s how it started. Fucking shame and depression. Before that, I was, uh, it was just me masturbating copiously,  happily, I  loved it. When I discovered masturbation, I was so happy. I loved it, everybody loves it, nobody’s-“uh, this fucking sucks,” it’s pretty universally liked. But, uh-  I, um,- I  remember when I first started, and I thought I was the only one doing it. And then I told my friend Jeff, and, uh, he was doing it, too. So we start-that’s his real  name, too,  it’s kind of fucked up that I’m saying his name, but anyway, we were- – we were comparing notes about how we masturbated. And I did it, you know, well, I was 11, so I  was going  like this, which- I actually did it like this for a long time, ’cause nobody teaches you how to jerk off. So, like, even once my dick grew, I kept doing it like this.  And then  I saw a movie where somebody went like that, and I was like, “oh, fuck, the whole hand! That is genius!” awesome! – easily one of the best fucking things I ever  discovered. I  still sometimes-this is, ah, so smart. So smart to use the whole hand, awesome! To this day, and I’m like, fucking, uh, whoever-fucking, yeah, awesome. – but  anyway, Jeff did  it totally differently. Jeff didn’t, uh, he-would lie on his stomach. He would lay on his stomach and press his dick into his palm really hard, and he enjoyed  the pressure.  And, uh, some kids do it like that, I looked it up-by the way, it fucks your dick up so don’t do it, don’t do it, it’s- it does fuck your dick up, but he didn’t  know so he was  pushing his dick into his palm, and I think sometimes he would put a book on the other-behind his hand, like, he just liked the pressure. And he couldn’t get  enough pressure,  so he said to me, maybe if I sat on his ass while he did this- it would be better. So I did, I sat on his ass- – and I remember that moment, I’m sittin’ on  Jeff’s ass… –  while he jerked himself off, and I remember thinking to myself, isn’t this gay that I’m doing this? – or am I just a really good friend? Maybe I’just a good  friend. – it’s  weird to think now that I fucking sat on an 11-year-old boy’s ass while he masturbated. I mean, I was 11, so it was cool. Now I’d get fucking crucified for that  shit. Ha ha ha!  I didn’t know what I had, boy. Eh, let her go. All right, easy… Wheezy. Hah, anyway… So now I’m married, and, uh, the sex is very different when you’re  married ’cause it  doesn’t, uh, exist, actually. – I was talking to a friend of mine about how my wife and I don’t really fuck anymore, and he said, “well, does she blow you at  least?” what are  you, fucking high? You think she’s blowing me? Who wants to blow their husband? Who the fuck would want to – what a bummer to blow your husband. You don’t want  to blow your  husband, you want to blow your date, that’s who you want to blow. You want to blow a guy you’ve been dating, and you don’t quite know him yet. He comes over and  picks you up,  “ooh! “that’s a new shirt, I never saw that shirt on him. It’s very handsome.” You go to dinner, he’s like, “here, try this.” “Oh, new things, I like new things.”  Tells you  something funny, makes you laugh, “ooh! He shouldn’t say that, oh, he shouldn’t, oh.” Tells you a sad story, “oh-oh, my god… ” – you go back to his place, you suck  his cock,  and you go home, that’s the proper context for a blowjob. – Nobody wants to blow a guy and then go to Ikea with him all day, that’s not fun. – Do his shitty laundry,  and then  he comes out, “hey, suck my dick, ok? Will you suck my dick right now?” “Yes, I’m fucking dying to suck your smelly old fucking “disgusting dick for the thousandth  time. I  can’t fuckin’ wait.” My, um, my wife gave me a hand job, uh, the other day, and, uh, I gotta tell you that I think that that hand job was probably the saddest thing  that ever  happened in America, it really was- the saddest fucking thing. That hand job was so tragic, there should be, like, a monument to that hand job… With a reflecting  pool where  you just sit and think, oh, that was fucking sad. – little thing where you put rocks on it and think about it, and, you know… Ha ha ha. Here’s what happened. I’m  gonna tell  you about this hand job. Um… – my wife and I were home in the middle of the day, uh, the baby was asleep on our bed, the 4-year-old is wherever the fuck she goes  all day-  and, um… – my wife and I are sitting on the couch, just sitting there, just fucking married on the couch, you know? Just-and my wife looked at me, and I don’t know  where she  got this sort of sense that I was- she said something like, “hey, we have to go to that thing for the-” and I was like, “oh, who gives a shit?” like, I don’t know what  it was that tipped her off that I was starting to feel real bad- here’s the thing- is that as far as sex, for guys it’s just not comp- we just need to release, that’s all it is,  we  just-we just need it. Women, it’s like a fucking emotional thing, where they need-we need to come just ’cause we need to, women, it’s like they get into it. They shiver and then they lie on their side and cry after and all that kind of it. But-but for guys it’s just something that we need to do so that we won’t murder people, that’s all it is, really. – Just maintenance, open the fucking valve once in a while, please. The city should put a red tag on the dick that has a psi level that’s unacceptable. – And my wife always waits till it’s fucking way-like, till it’s critical. She lets it go so long, until finally we’re sitting on the couch and she looks at me- “ok, we’re gonna all be in the paper tomorrow if I don’t fucking do something.” So… She doesn’t want to fuck me, she doesn’t want to blow me, so she looks at me and she goes- “well… Would you like a hand job?” – I’m like, “uh, yeah, that sounds awesome.” – so we go upstairs to my daughter’s room, ’cause it’s the only empty room in the house- – ohh! – hey, you know what? Fuck you, I pay the rent, I’ll shit on her bed if I want to. Seriously. Let me have a fucking hand job in my house. It’s all I get. It’s not me, she won’t jerk me off in the living room ’cause there’s too much nice shit I’m not allowed to come on. That’s the whole thing. I don’t even get to enjoy my orgasm, ’cause the second I’m coming she’s pointing my dick away from stuff, “ew, oh, careful!” – she points it into my bellybutton, like, “make it go back in there, can it go back in?” – all right, so I’m lying on the floor in my daughter’s room, looking up at the mobile of fucking ducks in airplanes… – what does a fucking duck need with an airplane? – what does a baby give a shit? So I’m laying there on the floor, and my wife is just sitting next to me, just-in her bathrobe, just- – and weirdly, I’m not getting off on this. The fucking woman grimacing and tugging on my penis dryly while basically reading “people” magazine at the same time- – it’s not that-I’m not getting off on it for some- it’s taking me a while to come, and she starts getting impatient, she’s like, “come on! Come on!” like yelling “come on” into my dick, seriously. – At one point, I wanted her to lick her palm. I got this idea, maybe if she licks her palm, there will be some semblance of something going on. And so I had to-you gotta approach asking for those things carefully, you can’t just go, “hey, lick your palm!” like that, ’cause that’ll ruin whatever mood there already isn’t. So, I go, like, “ehh. “could you… Maybe lick your palm? Lick your palm? Lick your palm?” she’s like, “what?” “lick   your palm… Lick-” “lick… Your palm… ” she goes, “what the fuck are you saying to me?” you know what she thought I said? She thought I said, “you look like your mom.” – so now I gotta get that out of my head. I’m trying to fucking, like, close my eyes, and fantasize that she gives a shit, nothing’s working. And finally she goes, “hey, I’m getting really tired.” so you know what I did? I finally just took her hand in my hand, and I just jerked myself off. With her hand! She’s like, “oh, thank you, that’s much easier that way.” That has to be the lowest form of sex that’s even fucking possible! To just be jerking myself off with my tired wife’s hand. – She might as well be dead at that point, seriously, she might as well be a fucking corpse. I came home and found her dead and-“fuck it, I’m getting one more before I call the police.” Just one more, who is it hurting? I’m not hurtin’ nobody. I’ll call 9-1-1. She’s not getting any better. Cops find DNA on her wrist. “Hmm… “she gave him a hand job and then died of shame, I think. I don’t know what happened.” I don’t know. It’s really the kids that do you in. We have 2 kids, that’s fucking stupid, don’t do that, because you just-it also-it-mainly what it does to a marriage, it just changes the way that you think about your spouse, ’cause when you’re married, when you first get married, you have a relationship that’s so important to you, and you’re working on it together, but then you have a kid, and you look at your kid and you go, “holy shit, “this is my child, she has my DNA, she has my name. I would die for her.” And you look at your spouse and go, “who the fuck are you? You’re a stranger. Why do I take shit from you?” – But it’s really-it’s the kids that make it very hard. We have two – we have, uh, a baby, and I don’t really know the baby, to tell you the truth, because she hasn’t said anything, so I don’t really know her. Uh… – I like her, she’s fine,  but  I don’t know her. How do I know what she’s really like? Maybe she fuckin’ hates Jews, I don’t know, I don’t know nothing about her. – People ask about her all the time,  they’re  like, “hey, what’s your baby like?” she’s a fucking baby, what do you want- you ever seen a baby? That’s exactly what my baby’s like. “but what’s going on with your baby?” – Jesus. She got fired from target, and, uh… – she’s getting an abortion. It’s been a tough year, but otherwise, you know… – it’s not a very complicated relationship with a  baby. You-it’s just somebody I have to make not die, that’s really what the whole thing is. And, there-I’m better at it sometimes than others. Um, one time I took my daughter to  the grocery store, and I had to put her in the stroller. She won’t go on the fucking cart. She’s the only baby in the world that won’t go in the shopping cart and sit there. You  try to put her there and her legs curl up, and she goes, “waah!” fucking psycho, so I gotta put her in a stroller, and I got a cart, and I’m pushing them both  through the  fucking supermarket. And then I-ok, so I’m done shopping, and then I go out to the parking lot. And I open the car-first I start the car before I put them in there,  ’cause I  want it to get nice and cool ’cause I love her, so I have to make it nice and comfortable. Look, I do, I love my children, I love my wife, I wish I didn’t. How awesome  would  that be to wake up one morning, “fuck it, I don’t feel nothing for these assholes,” and just walk out the door. – but so far, no such luck. So, I start the a.c., then I put the  groceries in, then I go to get my daughter out of the stroller, I got down there, and I realize that the exhaust pipe is right in her fucking face, it’s just fucking- brrr! I’m like, “fuck!” – I almost killed my kid in the dumbest fucking way ever! – if she died like that, I couldn’t tell her mom. I couldn’t fucking go home with that story. “I put her and I fucking, I don’t know, I- “didn’t realize- fuck you. I just-I don’t know.” I’d have to throw her into traffic, elp!” you know, that would be better- to  actually tell her  that I threw her into traffic. The other kid we have is, uh, she’s a girl and she’s 4, and she’s also a fucking asshole. Um… – it’s true, man. I’m serious.  I say that with no  remorse. Fucking asshole. She’s a deutschebag. She is! Fucking jerk. The other day, I’m like, “put your shoes on, we’re trying to leave. “put your shoes on,  please. Put your  shoes on. Put your shoes on.” how many times can you say that to somebody before you just want to kick them right in the fucking face? Seriously, if you’re  with a group of  people that are trying to go somewhere, and you can’t go-you can’t go, because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on, that person is a  fucking asshole. Ok? –  you don’t do that to people, imagine being with a group- “hey, we can’t go.” “why?” “’cause fucking bill won’t put his shoes on, he just won’t put them  on.” “fuck, bill, what’s  your problem?” “I don’t want to put them on.” fuck you! – fucking kid sucks, seriously, the other day I’m- I walk in the kitchen, she’s talking to my  wife. She says, uh, “mama,  I saw a doggy today.” and I was like, “really? Where did you see a doggy?” and she’s like, “I’m telling mama, not you.” I’m like, hey, fuck you. I’m just asking to be nice anyway. What, you think I actually give a shit about the dog you saw? Like that was gonna be an awesome story that you saw a fucking dog. Who gives a shit? I got better stories  than you, I have an interesting life. I’m on fucking television and I won an Emmy, you don’t ask what fuckin’ happened to me today, you little bitch.  No, ha ha ha ha. I didn’t  say that to her, obviously. But that’s the thing, nobody ever calls her on her bullshit. – That’s how she got to be an asshole in the first place.  Nobody just goes, “ah, fuck  you. You don’t know.” – I’d love to for one day, just fucking- be totally honest-“oh, you drew a dog? “let me see that. That’s not how it looks. “are  you shittin’ me? That’s a  scribble. “that’s nothing, that’s not even a anything. “Show me a dog that looks like that, I’ll give you $1,000. Seriously.” – Ah, fucking, uh, the  other day I was just, like  just dreaming about just fucking kicking her. Like, kicking her out a window, you know, just fucking-pff! – I would never fucking hurt her, but I  want to-I do, you know? One  time my daughter had a black eye because, uh, she walked into a door ’cause she’s stupid. And, um… She had a little black eye, and I took her to ice cream- we went to an ice  cream place, and everybody in the ice cream place is like, giving me a dirty look. And I realize, they think I hit her! And she has a black eye now, that’s why I’m taking her to  ice cream. That’s what they think. And I was so insulted, I wanted to say, hey, fuck all of you, ok? She’s this big. You ink if I hit her  she’d have a black eye? She’d be  fucking decimated! There’d be nothing there. Look at this shit. I would ruin her head with one punch-easily. She has no defensive skills. She  fucking sucks. She’d be like, just  smiling at me and-pff! There’d be just fucking- – just a dent there like a fucking bomb went off. I don’t know, I love my daughter, but  people really don’t get what it’s like with a kid full-time, you know- we-we parents make you love our kids ’cause we dress them up and take them out. Look at her-and everybody goes, “ohh… Nice.” but you don’t know  what she’s like when she comes home, the dress comes off, she fucking rubs her ass in mud, she’s fucking gross. – she won’t fucking take a bath, like, you can- once you have a  baby, you can’t force- fuck her, let her sleep in her clothes, I’m not dealing with it tonight. Her hair gets clumpy, she stinks. Sometimes it’s like, fucking, ugh! Just fucking  rancid, stinky fucking kid. She fuckin’- in front of people- she like scratches her asshole in front of people, like, fucking  deep asshole scratching- in the fucking panties.  And then she smells her finger. That’s the kind of person I’m talking about. She’s disgusting! – the other day, I come home,  and she’s just laying on the carpet with just-spread eagle naked, and she’s just stretching her vagina open, going, “aah!” just fucking- – fucking holding it open. I’m like,  fuck! Shit, ok. Wow. That’s… Wow. – don’t react. I  can’t-I can’t go, aah! I can’t do that, that’ll fuck her up. Just go, hello, hi, how are you? Hi, how’s school? Ok. “aah!”  – I don’t know what the fuck to do about it, either. ‘Cause she does it all the time, and I can’t- I don’t want to stop her! ‘Cause you know what? She’s happy. That’s the happiest I’ve ever seen any person in my entire life. That’s a fucking human being at their happiest, just, “aah!” that’s what we all wish we could do! We should all be doing  that, but- – we gotta fucking stop it, though, ’cause  she’ll be fucking homeless if she doesn’t cut this shit. – so, yeah, it’s fuckin’… My wife, um, took the kids out the  other day when she- she just-the most amazing thing is when- when you get to be alone in your house. As a dad, you never get to be alone. Or as a m. But when the other parent takes the kids out, and you’re alone, that’s fucking  awesome. And I think I’m getting older, ’cause the way I use that time has totally changed. I used to have, you know, jerk fest 2006, are you shittin’ me? Jerking off in my own house… Alone, in my own bed… Taking my time, go through my wife’s shit for pictures of her friends I want to fuck, everything was awesome! – but I’m older now, so I don’t do that. I don’t care about that. Now when everybody leaves, you know what I do? I just shit for hours. I take a big,  long- beautifully private shit, with nobody fucking with me.  That’s my dream- in life- is to take a shit without people fucking with me. ‘Cause when you have kids, first of  all, the other parent starts banging away on the door, “get out  of there! Help me!” – or my 4-year-old walks in while I’m shitting. She just fucking walks in the room and does  a little dance. – I’m like, get out of here! My asshole is this  big, I’m pushing a shit out right now, I don’t want to see a cute face at this moment. That’s traumatizing. – and I-and so when they leave, even if I don’t have to, I just shit  for a fucking hour, my ass dries out, I don’t care. I stay there ’cause I love shitting. That’s how old I am, I love to shit. It’s my favorite thing. I don’t know why they call  it number 2, I think it’s easily the best one. In my book, it’s number 1. Ha ha. But, uh, no, it’s- it’s hard, having kids and being married, it’s difficult, and, you know, whatever, but- one thing that’s made me-it’s impossible for me to have any sympathy for single people. I  just don’t give a shit about single people. I don’t dislike single  people, but I don’t get- whenever single people complain about anything, I really want them to just shut the  fuck up. Because first of all, if you’re single, you life has no  consequence on the earth. Even if you’re helping people aggressively, which you’re fucking not, nobody gives a  shit what happens to you. You can die, and it actually doesn’t  matter. It doesn’t. Your mother will cry, whatever. But otherwise, nobody gives a shit. I can’t die, I got 2 kids  and my wife doesn’t fucking work. So I don’t get to die. I  can’t die. I love her, but she’s a painter, great. Paint a dollar and take some pressure off, please. But so- – but  single people, when you-when you- they complain, like, we  don’t complain. When you ask a parent, “hey, how’s the family?” we go, “great.” that’s all we ever say. It’s never fuckin’ great, but we say great, ’cause we’re not gonna tell  you, “well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity,” and, “uh, my children are eating my dreams.” we don’t fucking  bother you with that. We just say, “great.” but if you ask a  single person, “how’s it goin’?” they’re like, “well, my apartment doesn’t “get enough southern light, and the  carpeting is getting a little moldy… ” you know what you should do? Burn it down and kill yourself, ’cause nobody fucking cares. “my girlfriend doesn’t like the same music as  me, and she acts bored at parties… ” fucking call her and say,  “fuck you,” and hang up and leave her! You can end that shit with a phone call. I need a fucking gun and a  plane ticket and bleach and shit, I need a whole bunch of- – thank you  guys very much, you’ve been really great. Good night. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

LOUIS C.K.: HILARIOUS (2010) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-hilarious-2010-full-transcript/

– You have your key in there, sir? – Yeah. – House lights? Go-wally, go on house lights. – You ready? – Spotlight. Spotlight. Spotlight. – Thank you. Hi. Thank you very much. Uh, thank you. Hello, everybody. Um, Hello. I mean, by everybody, I mean, uh, you guys. Uh, I mean everybody who’s here. Really I shouldn’t say “everybody,” Because most people are not here. By a pretty huge majority, most people are not here. Most people are in China, actually. It’s true. Actually, that’s not true. Most people are dead. Did you know that? It’s true. Out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people. And you’re all gonna die, and… and then you’re gonna be dead for way longer than your life. Like, that’s mostly What you’re ever gonna be. You’re just dead people That didn’t die yet. That’s… There are so many dead people. Ray Charles is dead. Hitler. Bunch of other ones. But mostly those two guys. And… It’s true. Ray Charles and Hitler are both dead. And really it’s the only thing they have in common, because otherwise they’re very different dudes. Many contrasts between Hitler And Ray Charles. I’m gonna tell you a few of ’em. Um, Ray Charles was black. Hitler was not. Hitler killed several Jews. Too many. I’ll say too many. He killed an excessive amount of Jews. He really… Beat that thing to the ground. He killed way- He just-no moderation. Ray Charles, meanwhile, hardly any Jews. He killed so few Jews. Uh… I don’t know how to start shows. It’s just a problem that I have. I never… I never figured out how to come out and just start talking, because the first thing you say on stage always feels stupid, Because there’s no real reason for me to talk to you. It just doesn’t exist. I don’t know you. You don’t-you’re- You don’t even know each other. You’re facing The same direction. That’s all you have in common. So I just have to… Bleh! It’s like talking To a girl at a bar Because You’re attracted to her. The first thing you say Is just gonna be dog shit Coming out of your mouth. Because you don’t know her. The only honest thing That you could say to her Is “I want To fuck your face. ” That’s the only thing You could say That you could mean. Anything else you say Is you trying really hard Not to say “I want to fuck your face. ” That’s the only thing you’re- “Hi, I want To put my penis in… The lowest hole In your head. “ I was never good at that. Like, I was very bad At being single, Which is a problem, Because I’m divorced, So I’m single again. After ten years of marriage, and- No, here. Cut the shit. Don’t even start With that noise Like a puppy died. Let me tell you something. And this is important, Because someday one of your Friends is gonna get divorced. It’s gonna happen. And they’re gonna tell you. Don’t go, “oh, I’m sorry. ” That’s a stupid thing to say. It really is. First of all, You’re making ’em feel bad For being really happy, Which isn’t fair. And second-let me explain Something to you. Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, But it’s true, because no good marriage Has ever ended in divorce. It’s really that simple. That’s never ha- That would be sad, If two people were married And they were really happy, And they just had a great thing, And then they got divorced, That would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. Literally zero. Ray Charles has killed more Jews than happy marriages have ended in divorce. So if your friend got divorced, it means things were bad, And now they’re- I mean, they’re better. They’re not good. Life is shit wall to wall, But they’re better, so you should be happy. But the part that’s difficult is being single at 41 after ten years of marriage and two kids. It’s-that’s like having a bunch of money in the currency of a country that doesn’t exist anymore. Like… Like I found 500 million Prussian francs. I can’t really take advantage of being single, because I didn’t- I didn’t expect to be single. I’m not prepared. I didn’t think I’d ever be- I didn’t keep this shit up. You understand? I didn’t maintain any of this at presentation condition. It’s function only. It was not… I didn’t think I would need it that way. I thought I was gonna be shoving it into the same person every three months till one of us died. That’s… What I thought was the nature of the deployment for this… I didn’t think I had to be, like, appealing to someone from scratch. It’s like having a- It’s like having a ’73 Dodge dart in your backyard. And it’s been sitting back there with grass growing- You don’t have any- It’s not an old mustang. You have no plans To restore that dart. You don’t even see it When you look out the window. And now you find out That’s your only way to work. You need that car now. And you’re like, “Oh, shit, I- “I didn’t take- It’s got bees in it. “I didn’t take care of it. “It’s full of bees. “There’s a family of mice living in the tailpipe. I can’t take that to work. ” I have no single instincts. I know too much to be single. I know everything that happens now. That’s no good for single. You got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That’s what optimistic means, You know? It means stupid. An optimist is somebody who goes, “Hey, maybe something nice will happen. ” Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen? What are you, stupid? But that’s the attitude you have to be to be single. You have to look at somebody and go, “ooh, maybe… ” I don’t look at it that way, even when I see somebody I’m attracted to. I was at a gym the other day. Why? Why? I’m at a gym. I’m just wearing shorts. That’s all I’m doing there. Just standing there. And I look over, and there’s a girl on the- you know, with a ponytail, and she’s on this thing- and I’m looking at her, and I’m like, “oh, she’s awesome. Shit. ” But then I start thinking, wait a minute. I’m single. I’m on the market. I have value. I could say something to her. I could just walk up and say something. And I’m trying to think- “What am I gonna say?” What does-what do I look like to somebody like that? And then I realize It’s been way too long. I’ve just been standing there, staring at her. I want her! I have no identity In the single world. I can’t-I look at them, I don’t know what they’re doing. I- I tried just jerking off to Girls Gone Wild The other day. Just to re-enter the community that way. Just to feel part of it. And I bought it. Not the commercial on Comedy Central. I paid money like a grown-up. I put my credit card down and waited for it to come to my house. I’m an adult. so I’m trying to jerk off to Girls Gone Wild. I can’t do it, ’cause I’m a father. I’m too old. I’m just getting mad at everybody in the video. I’m like, “you fucking irresponsible bitches. Go back to school. What are you doing down there?” “There’s two wars and a depression. “Put your-get the oil off your tits and study, for fuck’s sake.” I just don’t look at a woman as a pair of tits anymore, and I wish I did, ’cause I could get laid easier, ’cause that’s what it takes. Just to go- But I can’t now. Like, I went to a club. I went to a club, you know, like, a… like, a club. And I’m standing there looking at all the people, and there’s the women- The hot chicks. The hot girl at the bar. You know when you see them, that’s just-she’s a hot girl At the bar. She’s got the- got the shirt and the skirt, and the boots. Those three lines. It’s, like, some perfect ratio that they hit with those three lines, and you- and they’re all standing there like that. And I used to look at somebody like that. I’m like, “wow, she’s an angel. What could I ever say to make her like me?” Now I look at her and I’m like, “What is that? “Is that even a person? “What the fuck kind of person is that? Is that an identity even? Who would want to be that?” I have two daughters. I pray they don’t grow up to be the- the hot girl at the bar. What kind of- “Hey, what do you do?” “People want to fuck me.” Really? That’s it? “Yeah. “I go to this club, and they want to fuck me over here. “Ha ha. Not you. Ha ha.” And their male counterparts Are even more useless. The guys. The dudes-the going out to get laid dudes. You know those guys That walk in packs of nine down the bar street. The going out to get laid guys. They all got the same button-up, stripy, going out to get laid shirt on. They all got the same stride, and there’s one short guy behind them like- and they- they’re all out to get- Like, who’s gonna fuck all nine of you? What is the fantasy here? Are you gonna see nine women in the same configuration, And just all-? Are you all gonna walk into a giant vagina somewhere? “Ha ha! Dude!” And then later they’re in front of a pizza place, just angry at each other. “You said there was pussy there, you idiot!” “Shut up!” Then they beat up a stranger and get the energy out that way. “Faggot!” Those are the most dangerous people, are dudes that didn’t get laid. They’re just fucking- Just full of cum coming out of their eyes. “Fucking-fucking- Fuck somebody.” Stand there. I love dudes that hang out together and do the whole- I saw this group of guys, And one of ’em was such a guy, He had it turned up so high that it was crazy. His friends were kind of normal. He was like- I’m like, “what? Is that- That can’t be real. That can’t be a personality.” Does he do that at 4:00 in the morning when he’s peeing and nobody’s in his apartment? He’s like- And he kept doing that gesture That guys like to do. The… That’s my favorite dumb guy gesture. Yeah. Pfft. Pffsh, yeah, right. I always wonder, what if there was a guy who, whenever he does this, he has to finish. Like, just some guy who works in your office. You ask him a question. “Hey, is Bill in yet?” “Yeah, Like, he’s ever on time.” “Oh, fuck.” “Oh, shit. “Seriously, that dude’s always late, man. I’m serious. ” It’s always an odd moment In a guy’s life, The second after you come, and you’re like- Reality comes rushing back. ‘Cause you’ve been Pushing reality away In pieces All night to get the- “Oh, no, it’s fine. “Yeah, no, It doesn’t matter. “No, I’ll just leave my car there. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll just go… “Doesn’t matter… This is weird… Ah, fuck. ” And then You’re just like- You’re like the Hulk coming back down to the other guy. My clothes are ripped And there’s a dead guy here. I don’t know what happened. I’m gonna get my duffle bag And leave town again. So this is A beautiful theater. I like what I do, Because I get to work In a lot of different places. And, uh, recently I did a show in New Jersey In the auditorium of a technical High School. I forgot that existed, technical High School. That’s where dreams Are narrowed down. That’s- ‘Cause we tell our children, “You can do anything you want. ” Their whole lives. “You can do anything. ” But at this place, We take kids- Like, they’re 15. They’re young. And we tell them, “You can do eight things. We got it down To eight for you. ” And I’m not saying These people are stupid. Because I’m stupid. I really am stupid, And it bothers me. Like, I wish I was more stupid, ‘Cause then it wouldn’t- I would-just all My thoughts would just be- But instead, Here’s how my brain works. It’s stupidity Followed by self-hatred And then further analysis. It’s not a very efficient System of thought. I have these dumb thoughts, “Duh,” And then I go, “what the fuck Is wrong with you?” And then I figure it out. But the impulse Is always stupid. Like, I saw this guy In New York one day, And he’s walking his dog, And this is what I saw. The guy’s got a- He’s got a coffee And a dog on a leash, And a phone. He’s on the phone. So he’s got His phone like this, And the dog’s leash is going From the phone hand to the dog. And I look at this and I go, “Oh, he’s got, like, A dog phone. ” Like, that thought Sincerely inhabited me For, like, a full minute. I’m going, “oh, I wonder What the benefits are To hooking Your phone up to a dog. ” And then the other part of me Had to go, “Why the fuck Would that exist? You asshole. “ I had a string of bad- Dumb thoughts the other day. I was-I don’t remember What town I was in. I was on the road. I was just standing In front of my hotel. It was 5:00 in the afternoon. That’s usually what I’m doing At 5:00 in the afternoon. Just standing in front of my hotel. Because I’ve been Inside all day. Just with the jacking off And the ice cream. It’s just horrible. It’s, like, a horrible thing. All day. Just depths of fucking hell. Just-I wake up, I get, like, chicken wings. Shit nobody eats At 10:00 a. M. Like, really-hot wings And I eat ’em all, And then I’m like, “uh… ” So I get ice cream To cool it off, you know? Like… And then I feel worse, So I jack off and pass out. I turn off my phone In case my kids call. I can’t fucking face anybody. I wake up covered with Three kinds of shame glaze Just covering my body. And so right around 5:00 In the afternoon It starts getting dark, And I’m like, “I got to be In the daylight just once. ” I have to at least One time in the day Be in the daylight. And that’s- I just stand there. That’s it. Like a fucking mental patient In a bathrobe. Just- Cigarette burns On the robe and shit. Some girl telling me She got married. I’m not listening. “Daddy, This is my husband.” That’s what it feels like, Anyway. And I started Looking at people, And they’re all crispy-clothed And rosy-cheeked And full of purpose, And they’re making me Feel worse. And I’m about to go back In the hotel And jack off another time. And then I look across the street And I see this couple, And they were just striking. They were a beautiful couple. It was a beautiful woman With a beautiful man. I’ll say he’s beautiful. I got no problem with it. I’ll suck his dick too. I don’t need your permission. I don’t care. Walk right over there And suck his dick. I mean, I never did that, But I’m 41. Maybe I’ll do the second half gay. I don’t know. It remains an option. There’s got to be something to it. Those folks are having a good time. They have parades. They-there’s no parades For how I get laid. They have parades. Marching down the street To celebrate that They blow each other And fuck each other In the ass. Smush their vaginas together, Or whatever that one is. Whatever wonderful thing Those folks are doing That’s none of my business. So I-okay, So I’m looking at the couple, And they’re walking On the other side of the street, And they have a child with them. But I can’t see their child, ‘Cause there’s, like, A dumpster and some other stuff. I just see, like, A little head. And I’m waiting, I’m curious What their kid looks like, Because they’re so beautiful. Maybe I want To fuck their kid. I don’t know. That-that’s just me Saying something terrible Because it makes me laugh That it upsets you. That’s all that is. Just so you know. It’s just-it’s just enjoyable To me that you’re upset. That’s all it is. I’m not gonna fuck a kid. I wouldn’t do that. Maybe a dead kid. Who are you hurting? He’s dead. Who are you hurting? I’m not saying I would kill A kid and fuck him. I’m saying if I found A dead kid in a field And it wasn’t raining, I might take a shot. I don’t know. I haven’t been In that situation. All right. Oh, sorry. All right. Okay. So I’m looking At the couple, and… They got a kid with them, And I’m curious What their kid looks like. And they come Around the corner, And they’re-and this Is a true story. It wasn’t a kid. It was a little old chinese Woman walking next to them. And here’s what My dumb brain tells me. I go, “oh, that’s what Their child is like. ” Not like, “oh, she’s A separate person. She’s not with them. ” I’m like, “Oh, that young couple “Gave birth to a tiny, Elderly Chinese woman. Isn’t that interesting?” And then the other Part of me had to go, “Dude, you- “Yeah, that’s what happened. Yes. Asshole. ” And then I was looking At the little old chinese lady. She was-there was A beauty to her. She’s just tiny, little, Old ch- I was staring at her ‘Cause I was fascinated by her. I don’t know anybody like her, And I am so not A little old chinese lady. That I-I was like, “What are her thoughts?” That was what I was burning inside with. What is she thinking Right now? I can never know. And I really-the dumb brain Is telling me That she’s just thinking- That’s how dumb I am. That I think chinese Gibberish that I made up… Is in her Actually chinese mind. That’s all. Just- “Me chinese. ” Course I didn’t-I can’t know What she was thinking. She could be thinking Anything. “Eh, black people steal. ” So I’m like- She might- I’m not saying they steal. I’m saying that fucking Racist chinese lady Might have been thinking it. She might have been. It’s possible. And I went to England. I spent a month there. I liked England. Everything’s different. I mean, that’s obvious, But some of The differences were cool. I like the money, The money- Instead of a dollar bill They have the pound coin. And it’s a coin and You throw it on the counter. It felt kind of cool. Like the old west. Like going on the-you know, Being on the dusty trail. You see a saloon, so you walk Over to it with your horse. You throw the rope Vaguely at the pole outside. That thing they do. It’s my whole life On that horse. Should be fine. Just… Walk in the saloon. “Give me a beer, The bottle of whiskey, “And a room for a week, “Steak dinner, shave And a haircut and a bath, “And some new clothes And a hat and some boots, And some oats for my horse, And a woman. ” Here you go. Ping. That’s all. One heavy coin. You’re fine. Nobody adds up all those things You mentioned. They don’t check To see what coin it was. The guy just keeps Drying the glass. Things were very vague Back then. Things just cost money. “Hey, how much is that?” “Money.” In the old english movies, It was different. It was a little sack of coins. Remember that little Drawstring sack Tossed over By some faggy lord With a ruffled shirt. Throw it disdainfully down To some commoner Who’s gonna do something Beneath his station. “Follow the girl and report Back to me at midnight. “Bring a shovel and a sack “And two reliable men Such as yourselves. “Oh, what’s that? Oh, yes, of course. Well, This ought to be sufficient. ” Meh, just-shink. “Oh, thank you, sir. ” The guy’s so happy To get a general amount of some kind of currency or another. He didn’t, like, count it. Like, “I think you only gave me Enough for the shovel. There’s not enough there. “ That was a good time In our economy, When you needed to have gold To buy shit. We might be going back to that Pretty soon too. Things are pretty fucked up. People are a little bit scared. But you know what? How bad could it really get? I mean, most Americans Have so much crap You could lose most of it And still be- Have more shit Than the average Canadian, Even. Like, we’re the fattest People in the world, And we just have All this shit, And we hate it. We’re just miserable With our phones. “Fucking… ” Just angry all the time. And I worry about The economy failing, Because we don’t- We can’t even- We’re miserable With a great life. Like, I don’t know How the fuck We’re gonna deal with, like, When you got to move your mom Into the cellar and shit And, like, have, like, Serious problems. Because we have, like- Up till now, We have white- We have white people problems In America, That’s what we have. White people problems. You know what that is? That’s where your life Is amazing, So you just make shit up To be upset about. People in other countries Have real problems. Like, “oh, shit, They’re cutting off All our heads today. ” Things like that. Here we make shit up To be upset about. “Like, how come I have to choose A language on the ATM machine? It’s bullshit. ” “I shouldn’t have to do that. I’m American. ” God, the shit We bitch about. I called American Airlines, And I got a xstani lady. And she was in Pakistan. Only people near my fat, White body should have jobs. I’ll tell you what, though. When I call American Airlines And I get the Pakistani lady, I hang up and I call again. I do. I’m gonna tell you honestly. And it’s not because I don’t like her, And it’s not because She doesn’t speak English, ‘Cause she speaks Way better than I do. She’s just a better person. It’s so clear. And I know-here’s why I don’t like talking to her. ‘Cause I know she doesn’t Give a shit About me and My white people problems. I want to talk To the lady from Texas, Who’s- “Well, how can I help you?” That’s the lady I want. I just know when I- “Hello, American-” “Oh, fuck. You don’t care. ” There’s no way. Why would you? I’m in my underwear. “Hi, I have a layover In Dallas that’s really long, And I was wondering if-” And she’s like, “Oh, really? “I haven’t had a clean glass of water in ten years, okay? “Two of my kids Died this morning. “I still came to work, You fat shit. “I can hear your fat Over the phone. Why don’t you hang up And kill yourself?” Why would she care? But we just-God. Standing at the ATM. “I can’t believe They make me go like this. Stupid.” What the fuck Are you complaining about? You push a button and money Comes out a fucking slot. It didn’t used to be that way. When I was younger, You had to go in the bank. Remember that? You had to go inside the bank. Now you look in the bank, You’re like, “what are those People doing in there? Are they cleaning? The money’s out here.” It’s amazing how different shit is now, And it hasn’t been this way For a long time. It’s been a very short time. Everybody has a phone in their pocket. It didn’t used to be You had a phone- Just a few years ago, Nobody had their phone. It was just the phone. It was this thing, the phone, That was in a room In your house. And then you had to dial This fucking thing. There was a rotor, And you had to turn it And go- You actually hated people With zeros in their numbers, ‘Cause they made you do- Well, this guy’s got A zero and a nine. How badly do I want to talk To that piece of shit? That’s too much work. Now we have this, Which is amazing. We have these phones that you Can call in an air strike. You can look at the top of your own head. It’s amazing, this shit, And it’s wasted On the shittiest generation of piece of shit assholes That ever fucking lived. I swear to God. We are. We’re the worst people so far. Because we have This beautiful thing, And we hate it. We’re just- “Fucking thing. ” I don’t- Never saw a person going, “Look at what my phone can do. ” Nobody does that. They all go- “Fucking thing, it sucks. I can’t get it to-” Give it a second, Would you? Could you give it a second? It’s going to space. Can you give it a second To get back from space? Is the speed of light Too slow for you? You non-contributing, Product sponge cunt? Can you just wait? Can you just take A little breath? Just wait for that picture of Axl Rose to get on your phone. Like it even fucking mattered What you were doing. Like it was even important. We’re all just so mad. “I hate my phone. It sucks!” No, it doesn’t. It’s amazing. The shittiest cell phone In the world Is a miracle. Your life sucks Around the phone. Why are you so mad at it? People say The craziest shit. “I-I hate Verizon. ” What are you talking about? How can that feeling exist? “I hate Verizon!” “Why? Did they fire you And take away your pension?” “No, it just-couple of times It was weird for a second. ” “I hate them!” Hate Verizon. Well, make your own, then. You go make one. Make your own network. Get some hubcaps And climb some trees. See how close Yours is to perfect. Why would it be perfect? Really, It’s as good as it is. Why do we expect it To be fucking perfect All the fucking time? We’re not contributing. We’re not helping it be perfect. We don’t even know what- What is involved. Do you have any idea What is involved In taking your thing That you said That nobody needs To ever hear ever, When you go- “Hey, what’s up, dude. ” And a little, invisible, Magic angel takes it, and- God damn it. Ho-“when did you Send me that text?” If I sent it to you A month ago, it’s amazing. Whenever it gets to you, It’s amazing. Whenever it gets to you In your chosen fucking font. It’s incredible. I don’t know. I’m not that old. I’m 41. But I’m still amazed At the shit in my life. I’m amazed at the shit In the world. I was on a plane once, Like about a month ago, And they had high-speed, Wireless internet on the plane, And they had never Done that before. They explained to us That we were, like, One of the first aircraft. And I opened up my laptop, And I’m online. I’m looking At youtube and shit While we’re flying. And then it broke down. And the woman says, “I’m sorry, But we have to fix the internet, So it’s down For the rest of the flight. ” The guy next to me goes, “It’s fucking bullshit. ” I’m, like, “dude, how does The world owe you something You didn’t even know existed 30 seconds ago?” People on planes Are the worst. People on planes, They complain. They get off the plane, They come to your house, And they tell you about Your whole flight experience. And they make it sound Like it was fucking a- A cattle car In Poland in the ’40s. They just make it- “That was the worst Day of my life. “I had to sit on the runway For 40 minutes. ” That’s a story In this country. That’s a fucking hardship, That you had to sit On the runway. People will listen To that story. They’ll stop doing the dishes And turn around and go, “Oh, my God, really? For 40 minutes? That’s awful. You should sue them.” “I had to sit on the runway For 40 minutes.” Oh, my God, really? What happened then? Did you fly through the air Like a bird? Incredibly? Did you soar Into the clouds impossibly? Did you partake In the miracle of human flight? And then land softly On giant tires That you couldn’t Even conceive How they fucking Put air in them? How dare you. Bitching about flying. “I had to pay For my sandwich.” You’re flying! You’re sitting in a chair In the sky. You’re like a Greek myth Right now. “But it doesn’t Go back very far, And it’s sort of Squishing my knees.” The Wright Brothers would kick us all right in the cunt If they knew. If-if you could go back In time to Orville Wright And go, “hey, dude, I had to sit On the runway for 40 minutes. ” And he’d be like, “Oh, shit, Well, let’s Not even bother, then.” “Hey, Wendell, shut it down. “They make you wait for a bit. That hardly seems worth it.” There’s always delays. That’s what everybody Complains about. There’s always delays When I fly. Really? Delays. It’s too slow. Air travel’s too slow. New York to California In six hours. That used to take 30 years, To do that, And a bunch of you would die On the way there. You’d get shot in the neck With an arrow and you’d go- And fall down. And the other passengers Would just bury you And put a stick there with your Hat on it and keep walking. And one of ’em Would fuck your wife And have three babies. And all the old people Would die. You’d be a whole different Group of people By the time You got to California. Now you watch An Adam Sandler movie And you take a big, runny dump And you’re there. I was, uh, I was flying About a week ago, And, uh, I was in the airport, And I saw this really old man, And he’s on- He’s on a wheelchair. I can fucking hear That shit, So back the fuck off. I can hear It in your headsets. Just careful. Or turn them down. Sorry to fuck up The entire show for that, But I could hear- “Get closer to him. “No, it’s okay, it’s fine. Get closer to him. He won’t mind.” All right. Wait a second. Okay, uh, This about where I was? Okay. That’s right. I was on a- I was in the, um… I was in the airport. Ugh… Tot-just drenched right now. Totally drenched. It’s like I peed. It’s crazy. Okay, so I’m in the airport, And I’m going through security, And they bring this old man In a wheelchair, And he was… Crazy old. I mean, he was the oldest thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve been To museums and shit. This dude… I didn’t know There had been as much time As this guy was old. I mean, He was at least forever. He was at least that old. Just tiny, Little Nosferatu hands And eggy head. Just one of those… So frail. It was like Just the atmosphere Was crushing him Into a diamond. Just… And they’re Pushing him through, And I’m not the only per- Like, He was parting the people, ‘Cause people were going, “What the fuck? That’s crazy. He’s really old!” And they take him Through security, And, you know, If you’re really old Or you’re in a wheelchair, You can’t go through The metal detector If you’re in a wheelchair, So they take you To secondary clearance, Which is far more stringent. Like, the oldest and feeblest People get the highest scrutiny. So they take him over there, And he’s-I mean, he doesn’t Even look good for infinity. He’s not even like, a- He’s, like- Got a whole thing going. And they take him over, And they start checking him For weapons. Like, thor-like, What do you got there, huh? Like, checking him. And they lift him- I swear to God, They picked him up Gently out of the wheelchair By the shoulders, And he’s standing between These two guys like this, And they’re going- And I’m like, “really? Is that the guy, fellas? “You think that’s the guy? Do you want to maybe Let him go?” Let him enjoy the last Ten seconds of his life Doing something else. What-what is he gonna- Even if he pulled it off, He deserves whatever he wanted, Really. What is he gonna do? Even if he had a grenade- Let him keep it. And I know what they’d say. They’d be like, “well, Where do you draw the line?” He-this is the line. This guy right here, He’s the actual line. It’s very clear. There’s always somebody going Through security who’s like, “I don’t want To take off my shoes. “Stupid. I’m not a terrorist.” Oh, that’s right. We only make Terrorists do that. I’m sorry. That’s what we sound like now. Just the whole country. We’re like Fat eighth graders. All of us. Just- Not fair. You ever listen to people? When I was in England, I went into this cafe full of Afghani people, and they’re-they just had crackly energy to their language. I don’t know What they were saying, But it was like- There’s energy. We don’t have that anymore. You ever listen to people? You ever listen to what People really sound like? The other day I was In some whatever coffee- I don’t know, You can only be in six places. Whichever one I was in. And I’m listening to just fat White people talk to each other. These two fat white guys Behind me. One of ’em is like… And his friend’s like, “I know, it’s… …Obama. ” These two women are talking. One of them’s like… “I know, it’s… ” “… Stephanie. ” Anyway, I was listening To the two guys, And one of ’em used a word That really pissed me off, Because it was how he used it. He used the word “Hilarious.” That’s one of those words That we use- That we don’t care What it means. We go right for the top shelf With our words now. We don’t think about How we talk. We just say the- Right to the fucking just- “Dude, it was amazing. It was amazing. ” really? You were amazed? You were amazed by A basket of chicken wings? Really? Amazing. What are you gonna- What are you gonna do With the rest of your life now? What if something Really happens to you? What if Jesus comes down From the sky And makes love to you All night long, And leaves the new, Living lord in your belly? What are you gonna call that? You used “amazing” On a basket of chicken wings. You’ve limited yourself verbally To a shit life. All these words we use. “Genius.” That’s- You can-anybody Can be a genius now. It used to be You had to have a thought No one ever had before, Or you had to invent a number. Now it’s like, “hey, I got a cup in case we need another cup.” “Dude, you’re a genius.” So these guys, They used “hilarious. ” And I remember the context exactly, Because I had The hate recorder Running in The back of my head. I was just standing there Fucking angry. I’m listening to ’em. One guy says to the other guy, He goes, uh, “Hey, dude, so, uh… So guess who I saw today. ” And his friend goes, “Who?” I swear to God That’s how he said it. It just slid out. Just “who?” I was like, “Tighten your lips up, man. Make an effort. ” “Who.” That’s how a person talks. This guy, He’s just secreting words out of the front of his head. “Who?” So his friend goes, “I saw Lisa today.” And he goes, “That’s hilarious.” How the fuck is that hilarious? That you saw Lisa. Is Lisa a poodle on her hind legs? How is that hilarious? Was she standing next to Jerry Lewis when he was younger? How the fuck is that hilarious? Do you know what “hilarious” means? “Hilarious” means so funny That you almost went insane When you heard that sh- It’s just so funny That it almost ruined your life. You’re homeless now because You can’t cope or reason anymore because that hilarious thing just shattered your mind, And three months later you got shit and leaves in your hair, and you’re drenched in pee in the gutter. That’s how funny “Hilarious” is. I don’t know This Lisa cunt, But she ain’t that funny. There’s just no way. She’s that funny on sight? Fuck her. Seriously. I hope she’s dead. I really do. I hate her. I hope she died today. Weirdly and horribly. I hope the person She loved most Pushed her off a cliff, And she was just falling and Screaming the whole way down, Never accepting it. And then Superman swooped her up And then dropped her from higher. I seriously hope that happened… to stupid Lisa. With her one tit bigger than the other, and her fucking frizzy hair, and her… Her big nose. Fucking Jew. What am I doing? I’ve lost my mind. “Jew” is a funny word, Because- It is. Because “Jew” is the only word That is the polite thing to call a group of people And the slur for the same group. Most groups have a good and a bad- Theirs, the same word, Just with a little stank on it, And it becomes a terrible thing to call a person. ‘Cause you can say. “He’s a Jew.” It’s fine. but “he’s a Jew.” Like, that’s all it takes. I wish the president would slip one into a speech That’s just on the border, Just to fuck With people’s heads. Just in the middle, You know. “We all got to get along In this country. “We need everybody. “blacks and whites And Christians and Jews, And let’s just try to…” Hmm. I don’t… Can’t call him on it, But that seemed inappropriate. Fucking Lisa. Fucking Lisa, man. It’s just- It didn’t deserve that. The story didn’t deserve- Here’s what he should have said. This is what That story deserved. It should have been like, “I saw Lisa today. ” The other guy should have said, “That happened. ” That’s it. That’s all it deserved. He should have said, “That happened,” And then they just should have started making out. I don’t know why I wanted that. I just wanted these Two old fat guys To just start blowing Each other on the floor. Not even gay blowing. Just awkward, heterosexual sucking, That they don’t know What they’re doing. And they don’t even get hard Partway through. They’re just sucking Each other’s soft penises. And they’re both crying, ‘Cause they’re embarrassed and confused. Now that would be hilarious. Then you would have a story that you could call hilarious without being accused of hyperbole. It’s amazing, the stories that people think are interesting. And that’s always one of ’em, Is when your friend ran Into somebody from their past, And they can’t Wait to tell you. And first they want To tell you for 40 minutes How blown away you’re gonna be That they saw this person. “Dude, you’re not gonna believe Who I saw today. ” Yes, I am. Course I am. Don’t even tell me. I don’t care. “No. No, dude. “Dude! “When you find out- Holy shit! “When you find out who I saw, “You are gonna shit in your Father’s mouth when I tell you. “I’m serious! “When I tell you who I saw, “You are gonna Kill, fuck, and eat “Four Mexican retarded kids When I tell you who I saw today. “I’m s-you’re gonna do that. “I’m serious That you’re gonna do that. “You’re not gonna- “You’re just gonna rip out your asshole “And throw it on the wall. “It’s gonna stick there, “And you’re gonna dive through it Into another dimension. ” Tell you who I saw today. Anyway, I don’t know Why I’m such an asshole. I really am. I have-I’m grumpy. I don’t-I get impatient with people quickly, you know? I just get tired of- When people are boring, I want to kill them, you know, And that’s not fair. I used to like people more, But now I have children, And that changes your life. It changes your life In a lot of ways. Like, you spend A lot of time with people You never would have chosen To spend time with. Not in a million years. I spend whole days With people I’m like, “I never would have Hung out with you. ” I didn’t choose you. Our children chose each other Based on no criteria, By the way. They’re the same size. They don’t give a shit Who they make me Hang out with. My daughter had A playdate the other day. This kid comes over, And his father brings him, And his father Brings his fucking face Into my house. And I have to ask it questions For an hour and a half. “Ugh. What do you do? I don’t care. “God damn it. “What other shit Are you passing on “To that little faggot You brought over here “To play with my kid? “I don’t-I hate your son. “I hate him. He smells. ” Gets too close When he talks. “Can I have raisins?” Yes, you can have- Just… Stand… Dude, I’m not- You’re not mine. I don’t love you. Do you understand? I don’t have any-no love. None. I don’t even have an instinct To protect you. I don’t care if you die. I seriously-I won’t Feel anything if you die. I’ll have to pretend. For your dad. I like kids. Parents, I’m not crazy about. Most parents- Like, this whole country, Our thing is the children. We have to do it all For the children. And, meanwhile, Nobody gives a shit About how They raise their kids. People put minimal effort Into it. They have-their kids- They’re, like, Consumers of their kids. Like, they want to call Customer service. “Why does he play Video games all day? I don’t understand Why he plays video-” Maybe ’cause you bought him A fucking video game, You idiot. Throw it a- Throw it away! Who told you That was a good idea? A developing mind. Fucking idiots. My kids don’t even Watch television. And when I tell Most other parents that, You know what they say? They go, “Aw, fuck you. ” Why? “Just ’cause fuck you. “Fucking hippie weirdo. “They’re gonna Grow up weirdos. “‘Cause they don’t watch Just fucking anger and colors Screaming in their face. ” If your kids watch TV, Here’s what you should do. Just-if you think That’s really a good idea To have ’em watch TV, Next time your kid’s Watching television, Just come up behind them when They don’t know you’re there, And just turn it off Without any warning. Just go-pfft. Watch what happens. They go- Do you think That’s a good sign? You think it’s a sign That it’s healthy for them? That when it’s taken away They go- Because you’ve created Such a high bar of stimulus That nothing competes. A beautiful day is shit To a child now. A gorgeous, panoramic day With hawks catching fucking mice And flying away And bears with fucking fish In their teeth. And the kid’s like, “I want to watch the television! This is nothing!” That’s what’s wrong With our kids. They can’t just stand And be a person without- Baa! Blah! And then the food– We feed them food That tastes like insanity. It’s insanity, our food. Do you under-you should To be able to give a kid An apple, and they go, “Oh, thank you. I love apples. ” Kids can’t even taste- Apples are like paper to them. Because we fill ’em, We force them to eat- People force their kids To eat fast food. I was in this hamburger- This woman’s, like, just Shoving french fries in the- “Eat it!” The kid’s, like, “Mom, it’s salty. It hurts. I can’t eat anymore. ” “Shut up. Have a soda. ” We give them msg, Sugar, and caffeine, And, weirdly, They react to those chemicals. And so they yell, “aah. ” And then we hit them. What fucking chance Does a kid have? We pump the stuff in there. “Aah!” “Shut up! “Stop it. Why are you like this?” “‘Cause I haven’t had actual Nutrition in eight years, mom. “I’m dehydrated. “Give me water. “Pepsi’s not water, You cunt. “Give me a glass of water. “I’m dying. I have sores on my tongue All the time. ” “And stop hitting me. “You’re huge. “How could you hit me? That’s crazy. You’re a giant, And I can’t defend myself.” I really think it’s crazy that we hit our kids. It really is-here’s the crazy Part about it. Kids are the only people In the world That you’re allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They’re the most vulnerable, And they’re the most destroyed By being hit, But it’s totally Okay to hit them. And they’re the only ones. If you hit a dog, They fucking will put you In jail for that shit. You can’t hit a person unless you can prove that they were trying to kill you. But a little, tiny person with a head this big who trusts you implicitly, fuck ’em. Who gives a shit? Just fucking- Let’s all hit them. People want you to hit your kid. If your kid’s making noise, They’ll be like, “Hit him! Hit him! “Hit him! Hit him!” That’s right. We’re proud of it. We tell- “I hit my kids. ” That’s what people say All the time. “You’re damn right I hit my kids. ” “Why-why do you hit them?” “‘Cause they were doing a thing I didn’t like at the moment, “And so I hit them, And guess what? They didn’t do it after that. ” Well, that wouldn’t be taking The fucking easy way out, Would it? How about talking to ’em For a second, you fucking retard? How do you f- How is that- How is that the- What are you, an idiot? What are you? A fucking ape? “Well, I don’t- it’s a pain in the ass. ” Well, you fucked a woman, and a fucking baby came out of her vagina. Now you be patient. It’s not their fault. “Well, I’m teaching ’em that you hit things.” “It’s learning the world. “You hit him, and he’ll know… “That I’m stronger than him, “That it hurts when my hand hits his face. “He’ll know. “He’ll get some wisdom out of that. Raising ’em right. ” God damn it. Look, though, Let me say this. If you have kids And you do hit your kids, I totally get it. I’m not judging. Let me just explain. I get it. Because my mom hit me. She hit me all the time. I don’t hit my kids. I’m not better than my mom. It’s ’cause she was poor and I have money. That’s really all it is. It really is. My mom works really hard. She was a single mom. She’d come home all bent over after 15 hours. I’d be like, “mommy, Nyah nyah nyah. ” “Shut up!” I totally get that. I work two hours a week sometimes, so it’s not really fair, and I know that. I know there’s moments when you just fucking- I mean, they’re- being a parent means you have your back up against the wall all the time, Because it’s the only job You can’t quit. It’s the only job Where you can’t just go- Just put your wrench Down and go, “Fuck it, guys. I’m leaving. “I don’t even Want my last check. I’m going home.” Anyway, I got two. And the seven-year-old, she’s no trouble now. That kid’s amazing. She’s better than me. She’s smarter than me. She’s more decent. She’s cleaner. Like, she comes out of her room all dressed with a little bow. She’s like, “Hi. Good morning, daddy.” And I’m in my underwear, like, “uh, hi.” I keep trying Not to screw her up, because she’s headed for a great life unless I fuck it up. That’s basically What’s going on. I’m not-I’m not A father anymore. I’m just a fat landlord. I don’t really matter. Like, the other day, she was Asking me all these questions. And I totally hear- She’s asking me stuff, and I’m just trying to tell her what I know to be the truth. But you can’t just do that. There’s some shit That’s true That you can’t tell your kids when they’re certain ages. I know that sounds simple, But you don’t know all the time Until you fuck up. I’m talking to her, And she goes, “Daddy, does the earth Go around the sun?” And I was like, “yeah. ” She goes, “does it do it All the time?” And I go, “yeah. ” She says, “will the earth always Go around the sun forever?” And I was like, “Well, no, at some point, The sun’s gonna explode.” She’s seven years old. Do you understand how horrible that is? She started crying immediately. Crying bitter tears for the death of all humanity. And here’s how I tried to save it. I go, “oh, honey, This isn’t gonna happen “Until you And everybody you know Has been dead For a very long time.” She didn’t know any of those things, and now she knows all of those things. She’s gonna die. Everybody she knows is gonna die. They’re gonna be dead for a very long time, And then the sun’s gonna explode. She learned all that in 12 seconds at the age of seven. She took it pretty well. I was proud of her. She’s like, “oh. Dude.” “Okay, well… I guess I’ll go play. I don’t…” She’s had a tough year, That kid. I feel really bad. Lot of bad things happened to her this year. This summer, she got bit by a pony. I’m not kidding. A pony bit her. How do you more break a little girl’s heart? Than a pony bi- that’s like being raped by Santa Claus. It was the worst thing that ever happened, And it was made worse by the fact that it followed the greatest moment of her life, because she’d never seen a pony up close. We just never were fucking- shitty parents. We never gave her, like, a pony ride. And last summer I took the kids to Italy. I took my girls to Italy For whatever reason. I don’t know why. And we’re in this farmhouse In the middle of nowhere. And I put ’em to bed, And I come outside, And there’s ponies. They just showed up Out of nowhere. Just wild ponies. Like 50 ponies. I’m not fucking with you. A huge amount of ponies. And one donkey. I don’t know why. There was one donkey Hanging out with the ponies. And they’re just la- And I’m like- And I run downstairs, And I wake her up. The little one, fuck her. She’s not making memories. Who cares? It’s not worth it. I take the seven-year-old, And I bring her outside, And she’s standing barefoot In her pajamas. And it’s dusk, And it’s ponies, And she’s like- And I’m like, “I’m the best fucking father. “I’m the best father. Yeah! “Yeah! Look at that shit! That’s right! I gave that to you!” And she starts walking out Towards the ponies. She’s like, “Can I go near them? I’m like, “yeah. ” I’m an idiot. I’m like, “yeah, totally. “Go on out there, honey. “You’re only outnumbered 50 to 1. “What could possibly happen In a sea of wild ponies?” And she walks out, And there’s this one, Beautiful, speckled pony, And as she’s walking towards it, I’m an asshole, ‘Cause I don’t read- It’s going like- It’s totally going, “Dude, no. “Not-I’m not one of- Fuck it. “Get her out. Get her out. “I’m a-dude, I’m a fucking Italian wild pony. Get her out of here.” Can I go, daddy? I’m like, “yes, totally. Go up to the pony.” She walks up to the pony, And she turns to me and says, “He’s beautiful.” And as she’s saying that, the pony bites her on the fucking leg. And she screams. It didn’t break the skin, But it was an awful bruise. And I grab her and I run inside. And she says, “why, daddy? Why did the pony bite me?” And I said, “I don’t know. ” And she said, “Do ponies bite a lot?” And I’m like, “well, yeah,” ‘Cause I don’t want her to think That she’s so horrible That the first pony ever Bit her. I go, “yeah, honey, Ponies bite,” And she goes, “well, Why did you let me near it?” She’s like, “dude, Make a fucking effort. ” And then we’re in the house, And she says- This is how great this kid is. She calms down, And she goes, “I want to look up about ponies biting.” Like, that’s how she thinks. Something upsets her, She wants to look it up and learn about it. She says, “I want to find out Why they bite and what people say about it. ” So we go and we do look up about ponies, And it turns Out they’re assholes. They bite all the time. And there’s all these websites that talk about what to do when your pony bites, and it’s like everything else on the internet. It’s just fighting. Just people angry at each other. The first guy says, “you got to punch the pony right in the face.” Just punch it right in the face. Then the next person says, “You’re a terrible person. You should have your ponies taken away from you.” The next person was my favorite. They go, “people who don’t punch their ponies make me sick.” So we really are a divided nation. The three-year-old Is a different story. The three-year-old, Here’s her deal. She’s a three-year-old. That’s really it. She’s three years old. The other day I got in a fight with her. Whose fault is that? I’m 41, And she’s 3. It’s always your fault With a three-year-old. Always. Because they are just what they are. They can’t help it. Just tape the windows. It’s a fucking hurricane. Just wait. Anytime you’re like this with a three-year-old- “Don’t you under-” You’re an idiot. That’s you being an idiot. “Don’t you understand?” “No, I don’t, dad. I haven’t developed enough. You just have to wait.” But it was partly her fault, ‘Cause she wore me down. Let me tell you What happened. It was this horrible, Horrible day. It started the night before, ‘Cause she woke me up all night. Just woke me up Every fucking- Just ten minutes. Just woke me up- Just- “Dad. ” With nothing. That’s the worst part. “Daddy!” “Wha-what? What is it?” “Um… ” “Oh, fuck you. You got nothing. You bullshitter, you. ” So now it’s the next morning, I’m making breakfast, And I’m gone. I’m insane. I drank too much coffee to overcompensate, And I’m like- I keep having these moments where it’s like- and there’s nothing there. Just nothing. “Uh, okay. Jesus. ” I’m making french toast. She’s over there sitting in her little chair, just fucking anger. Just pure-she’s A little ball of anger. She’s like, “I want french toast!” I’m like, “yeah, that’s what I’m making, honey. I’m making french toast. ” I bring it over. “Here.” “Give me syrup!” “Yes. of course. I’ll give you syrup. I always do. I love you very much.” “Cut it for me!” “I’m happy to cut it for you. “You’re not asking nicely, But it’s okay. “I’ll cut it for you, Baby. I love you very much.” Then she’s looking at her plate, and she’s literally going- ‘Cause she needs to be- Want something. You know, she didn’t- There’s nothing logical For her to want, So her brain has to go somewhere crazy. So she’s looking at her plate. She goes, “I don’t know Which piece to eat!” And I’m still not engaging. I’m like, “Oh, I know, honey. “That’s hard. That’s really hard. “I’ll just make a list of pros and cons for every piece, And I’ll help you with it later. ” And I look at her, And she’s walking towards me now With the plate just vertical, With syrup fucking Going on the floor. She’s like, “Help me! You’re not helping!” And I’m standing there, Like, looking at her, And I love her, And I’m proud of her in a way, ‘Cause I know she’ll never Want for anything. She’ll beat the shit Out of people. She’s… She’ll kill people for meat After the apocalypse. She’ll be one of those. And then later I’m trying To get them dressed for school, And now the clock’s ticking, And I’m like, “uh… ” And I’m trying to put A sweater on her, And it’s impossible. The sweater has buttons That just don’t exist. And I’m fucking- My fat fingers, And they’re full of sweat. And I have just tears Going down my cheeks. Crazy tears. I’m not crying. I’m, like, Smiling with tears. Copious- “I can’t- I can’t put on the sweater. “I can’t put on the sweater. I can’t. I really can’t do it. ” And she’s going like this. So I give her a fig newton Just to immobilize her, Just to stop it. ‘Cause she loves fig newtons. I go, “here, honey. Have a fig newton. ” She goes, “they’re not Called fig newtons. They’re called pig newtons. ” And I go, “No, they’re not. They’re called fig newtons. ” And right away in my head I’m like, “what are you doing? “Why? What is to be gained? What do you care?” Just-“yeah, pig newtons. Fine. Go ahead. “Good luck to you. Go through life. “See what kind of job You can hold down “With shit like that Clanging around in your head. I don’t care. I’ll be dead.” But for some reason I engaged. “No, honey, They’re called fig newtons.” She goes, “No. You don’t know. You don’t know. They’re called pig newtons.” And I just-I feel this rage building inside. Just… Because it’s not That she’s wrong. She’s three. She’s entitled to be wrong. But it’s the fucking arrogance of this kid. No humility. No decent sense of self-doubt. She’s not going like, “dad, I think those are pig newtons. Are you sure That you have it right?” She’s not saying that. She’s not going, like, “Dad, I’m pretty sure Those are pig newtons,” Which would be a little Cunty, but acceptable. I could deal with that. She’s giving me nothing. “No, you don’t know. Those are pig-” I’m like, “Really? I don’t know? “I don’t know? “Dude, I’m not even using My memory right now, okay? “I’m reading the fucking box “That the shit came out of! “It says it! Where are you getting your information?” “How do you fuck with me on this? “You’re 3 and I’m 41! “What are the odds that you’re right and I’m wrong? “What are the sheer odds of that? “And take a bite of the cookie. “Does it taste like a pork cookie, motherfucker? “I don’t think so. Why would they call it a pig newton?” “What’s- Oh, it tastes like figs. Fucking interesting, That, isn’t it?” I didn’t say a word of that. Obviously. But anyway, later… Got the kids dressed. It’s winter. We all have the layers on, And it’s time to go to school. And I’ve got ten minutes To get to a school That’s ten minutes away, Which is a horrible feeling. I put my hand On the door to leave, And all of a sudden I go, “I got to take a shit. “Take the coats off, kids. “We’re gonna be late. “You’re gonna be 40 minutes late. I don’t give a shit.” I am not walking to school like this. I can’t use the bathroom at the school, ‘Cause child molesters ruined that for everybody. Just-we’re- I’m shitting here. So I’m sitting on the toilet. I’m shitting. With the door open, By the way. That’s my life. Two kids by myself. I can’t shit with the door closed. Unless I gather them into the bathroom To watch daddy take a dump. Which I’ve done With the little one. “Honey, uh, I got to poop And you’re too crazy. Just come with me. You got to come with me. ” So I’m sitting there, And I’m shitting, And I’m trying to see them In the other room. “Honey, Stay between the tables. I can’t see you,” I said. The little one Walks into view naked. It’s all gone. All gone. Walks up, looks at me. And then she- I don’t know why, But she shows me her ass. It’s something She always does when she’s- She just goes- “Look at it! Daddy, You’re not looking!” So I’m sitting there shitting, Looking at her ass. And I saw something That I’d never seen before. And I’m gonna describe it to you The way that I saw it, Because it just-I didn’t know What I was looking at. I’m looking at her little, White ass. She’s white. Little, perfect, Little, white ass. And right in the center of it, This little black dot Just-boop! Appeared like magic. That’s what it Looked like to me, Because I’ve never Seen shit Actually coming out of an ass before. I never saw that. I never saw the shit- Like, the crowning, The shit coming out. And if you ever do see that, It’s fucking bananas, man. It’s weird. And upsetting. I yelled. I went, “aah!” And a second later, just- She just drops This massive- I felt the impact tremor Under my feet. This huge pile of shit. Just a pile. Like several people’s Pile of shit. Like a port-a-potty on The last day of the festival. Just a huge, Huge pile of shit. How? She’s three. This kid shits like a bear. I don’t understand it. Seriously. If you were in the woods And you saw a shit like that, You’d be like, “let’s get The fuck out of here! Run!” Huge pile of shit. As big as her whole body. Easily. I thought she would just crumple Like a balloon on top of it. “Huh. Weird. ” She’s standing there just Straddling this huge shit, Presenting it, like… She slips, falls Right into her own shit. Yes, fell- I was there. Fell right in the middle of her own heap of shit. Her head hit the floor. You know that sound of your Kid’s head hitting the floor? “Ooh. Oh, God. “Uh, she’s done. “That’s it for her. She’s finished. “She’s gonna be running To the mailbox once a day. That’s about it for her. ” Now she’s laying In her shit, Screaming and crying And making an angel. I run over. I’m still shitting, Holding a Shit-covered child. We’re the shit family. That’s what we are. The seven-year-old’s Standing there, “I got to get The fuck out of here. This is horrible. “ That’s my life right now, man. That’s-like, where in there do I fit, like, getting pussy? Like, there’s no place for that. I can’t even think about it. I tried to, like- The other day I was, like, okay, take a sexual inventory here. What do you got left, You know? And I went- I took off my clothes, And I stood in the mirror, And I looked in the mirror, like, a full-length mirror, naked. I’ll never do that again. I don’t need- I don’t need to do it. I can go my whole life without doing it again. I’m going to. I’m not in good shape. I’m not in the worst shape. I mean, I went to a doctor, and he gave me the whole 41-year-old thing. He’s like, “all right, well, Your cholesterol is high, “But I don’t expect you To do anything about that. “And your prostate’s A little bit too big. “Let’s go ahead and let it Be a little too big. And you’re only cosmetically overweight.” I was like, “what?” He goes, “Your overweightness, It’s not a medical issue.” I’m like, “well, so then you didn’t have to say anything. Why-why did you even bring it up?” You’re just saying, like, “Well, medically speaking, You don’t have a weight problem, but you look gross.” That’s what he’s saying. I’m looking at myself, And here’s the problem, Is that I didn’t even wear down evenly. Like, different parts of my body are older than others. Like, my dick and balls don’t even match each other. Like, my balls are older than me. They’re, like, the old- I swear to God. I’m 41. My balls are, like, 72. They’re really old, and they just kind of hang there. They’re just hanging, like… They look like they’re being rescued by a helicopter from a mountain. They’ve been trapped on a mountain together. Zipped together in a sleeping bag. “If we ever get out of this, I’ll never call you lefty again. I’m sorry. ” And then my dick is, like, happy and shiny and young-looking. My penis is, like, a young, 21-year-old guy walking down with these two old guys following him. Hey, man, hang back. I’m trying to get some pussy. Get out of here. “Wait for us. ” And at some point, I got to show this shit to some poor, unfortunate woman that has to see this fucked up package of mine. I don’t know what- Like, I’ll tuck my balls between my legs. “I don’t have balls. I just have a penis. Is that okay?” That must be weird for women, that you don’t know what kind of dick and balls you’re gonna get until it’s way too late. Like, it’s the last thing you see. And it doesn’t seem fair. It should be the first thing you see. Every date should start With a guy taking out- “Is this gonna be okay?” “Yeah, that’s fine. It’s gonna be worth my time. Go ahead and put it away. We’ll deal with it later.” ‘Cause you don’t- You don’t find out till you’re Looking down the barrel of it, And it’s really too late now. Like, “oh, Jesus.” And the dick’s looking up at you, And it’s all… Like, “this is, Like, a Dr. Seuss tree. “I don’t even- It’s all yellowy brown with sprigs coming out.” And women are so nice. I don’t know a single story of a woman who finally gets a guy’s dick out and goes, “No. That-no. “That’s not your dick. Come on! “Take out your penis. “That’s not a penis. That’s bullshit.” They just go, “okay. Oh, fuck. What hole can I put this in that’ll depress me the least?” And I have- I have met some women since I been single, and they’ve been younger, mostly, because women my age- I like women my age, but they’re mostly either married with children or in a room alone, angry and crazy. One or the other. They’re not out looking to fuck a comic, generally. But young women are up for something. They’ll fuck you and do other things later. Like… And also, with younger women, I’m in competition with younger guys, and younger guys are not very subtle. They don’t really know how to talk to a woman even their own age. They’re just kind of all- Like, penis skin’s been grafted on their whole body. They’re just- “Can I-is this… “Is this is a fuck date? ‘Cause I… I just want to put my come In your body. ” It’s just a lot of pressure. And then the young woman Meets me, And I’m like, “hey, look, “I’ve been jerking off in the guest room for 15 years. “I’m like the man in the iron mask. I’m just happy to be out.” Young guys are- they’re afraid of women. They’re afraid of their feelings. “My girlfriend’s mad at me!” Well, later she won’t be. Fucking calm down. They’re afraid of their bodies. They’re afraid of women’s bodies. “My girlfriend’s having her period. What do I do?” Fuck her in the period hole, you idiot. What is-what’s the dilemma? I don’t give a shit. If you’re having your period, come on over. I’m 41. I’m-I’ll fuck the shit out of you. I’ll drink the blood. Let’s party. Thank you very much, guys. You guys-you were great. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

JIM JEFFERIES: I SWEAR TO GOD (2009) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-i-swear-god-2009-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jim Jefferies. Hey. How are you doing? What a nice little start. My name’s Jim, I’m from Australia, but I’ve been living in the UK for like, the past 7 or 8 years and now I’ve moved out to America, it’s a big move for me, but because I’ve moved out to America, I’ve had to leave a girl I’ve been dating. It’s probably for the best we’re heading in separate directions in our lives, to come over here and she wanted to stay back in England and fuck other men. Worked out pretty good. For her. And me brother. Oh, yeah. I bet he really get back to… in, like, a couple of weeks for the first time in ages. And every time I got back there I always go see my family doctor ’cause this is the doctor I’ve had my whole life, I really trust this guy, and my doctor in London is shit, he’s no good. Last time I was there I got a physical checkup, and he’s doing my blood pressure, to go to Australia and he’s like, “Jim, your blood pressure’s really high, mate, you’re gonna have to go on medication, you know.” “I wanna go on medication” And he went, “Well, you fucking have to” ‘Cause that’s how doctors in Australia talk, and then he goes, “Okay, you two, go back to London, get your blood pressure checked again but if you get the same readout or higher you’re on medication”, so I go back to me doctor in London, get my blood pressure checked again, get exactly the same readout I got in Australia, and my doctor goes, “Oh, are you good!” And I go, “The doctor in the strayer said that was too high” And he went “Australians, with their salads and sport, “Their standards are too high.” “By British standards you’re good, so… I’m an unhealthy Australian, but I’m a healthy British person. I think if my health gets worse, I’m gonna move to shittier countries until eventually I’m the healthiest man in Rwanda. And there’s gotta be some doctor going “You’ve only got HIV, it’s not even AIDS yet.” Stop your bitchin’ and join the soccer team. I’m not afraid of dying if I do get AIDS or something like that, I don’t give a fuck. I hate life. I’ve never enjoyed one moment on this planet. I don’t wanna live forever, the only people who wanna- I’m not worried about dying, because I’m an atheist, right? Now, acknowledging this is a Christian country, and I stand up for your right to be religious, but please know that you’re wrong, eh? Please know- that you’re living in a fantasy land, and after you die nothing happens, stop being a fucking child. I’m not scared of dying because I’m an atheist, I know I’ll just rot in the ground, right? I won’t even know I’m dead, you all know why? ‘Cause I’ll be fucking dead. Religious people worry because I believe in heaven, if there’s a heaven there has to be a hell, and everyone who’s read that book knows that you’ve done enough shit to go to hell. And that makes it very stressful on your deathbed, doesn’t it, knowing what a prick you are, you go, “Aw, this isn’t gonna be good”. Right? I don’t wanna go to heaven, I don’t even want the option of Heaven, I don’t want to exist in a conscious state for the rest of eternity constantly thinking, I don’t even like thinking as it is, “Where’s me passport? Can’t punch women in the face”. The Bible calls heaven “eternal bliss”, I don’t get how blissful it is, it’s eternal, you’ll get used to it, and then you’ll be fucking bored. And what’s hell meant to be like, fire and brimstone and eternal agony. That’s what’s written in the Bible. That’s God’s book. As far as I know, the devil hasn’t brought out a book. We don’t know his side of the argument, right? If you ask me, if the devil and God are having an argument, the devil’s being a bigger fucking man. ‘Cause God’s just writing shit about him, and the devil’s going, “I’m not even gonna fucking comment, Let’s- Let’s think about this rationally. Right? Which isn’t a good point for the Christians, rational thought. Fire and brimstone and eternal agony, that’s what hell’s meant to be, that’s written in the Bible. Now, God runs the entire universe except for one place which is run by hell and the devil, and now, the devil is his biggest enemy and they don’t get along whatsoever, right? Now, if you act bad you go to hell, right? Now, you’ve lied, you’ve cheated, you’ve stolen, you’ve been a prick your entire life. Why would the devil punish you? You’re one of his boys. He’s gotta fucking dig you. That’s where all the hookers and drugs are gonna be, I don’t think they’re gonna make their way into heaven. I don’t think God’s gonna open the gate and go, “Jimmy, you’ve been such a good guy, see this big-titted whore with the line of coke on her?” “Knock yourself out, son.” What’s meant to happen when you die and go to heaven, you see a big bright light, you walk towards the light. What’s at the end of the light? All your dead relatives. Well, whoop-dee-fuckin-doo. You ever spent a weekend at your grandparents’ house? It’s fucking shit. If you’re out there for an hour you’ll go, “I wish that all me friends would die.” You’ll be out there meeting everybody, “Hi, Aunt Neda. How are you, Granddad?” “Hello, Uncle You-used-to-touch-me”. “How did you get up here?” “Oh, that’s right, you used to work for the Church.” You hear that little groan when I said that, “You work for the Church”? It’s because religious people are in the crowd, and they don’t like hearing facts. That’s a fact, there’s been pedophiles fucking fact. But all they’re saying is like, because religious people will forgive God, in their mind he does good things, rainbows, children’s laughter, shit like that, right? When he does bad things like hurricanes, AIDS, cancer, child molestation, then they just go, “Oh, well. God works in mysterious ways. ” What sort of an excuse is that? What- What is- What is mysterious That is like, the least mysterious activity since the dawn of time. If- If I ever date a religious girl she’s gonna come home and I’m gonna be raping her mom. Right? And she’s gonna look at me and go, “What are you doing?” And I’m gonna go, “I’m mysterious. ” “I’ve always been mysterious. ” See, religious people are just fucking stupid. There’s how the world was created which everyone, and that’s the big bang theory, and then evolution kicked in and there’s little microorganisms, then a tadpole, that tadpole learned how to walk or something, and then there were some animals in between, and then fucking monkeys, and then us. And that’s science. Then there’s how religious people believe we was created they believe that God put two white people in the jungle without sunscreen, and they fucked, and there we go, people. There we go, black people, Arab people, oriental people, and for the amount of inbreeding very few retards. It seems so plausible! See, the fact is that there’s evolution in the Bible. Right? Jesus was 4’7″. Four foot seven. He was a normal-sized guy, everyone was short back then. We’re all taller now because of evolution. That’s how Jesus could feed the people with two fish, little fucking people, big fucking fish. So this is Jesus here, right? He’s a little tiny Arab Jew. He looks like Super Mario. Now, if Jesus is this big, that means his cross was maybe, maybe that big. Now, I’m not saying I’m better than Jesus. But if I was on that little cross my feet would be on the ground and I’d fucking live. So what killed Jesus could not kill me, I’m way more powerful. Not only would I leave, but I would lift the cross out of the ground and beat up all the little Roman bastards. And History would be very different. Thousands of years before Jesus there was a guy called Noah. And Noah built a boat and Noah lived to be 950 years old. But I’d never mention that in sermons, ’cause we might think its bullshit. And Noah was thousands of years before Jesus so Noah was about this big. There’s little Noah with his long hair and his gray big beard. He looks like a glorified chess piece. And he built a boat, and they put all the animals in the boat. And we had two of each animal, and he lived in, like, Afghanistan, back when it was a god-loving place. And all the animals came and they all swam there and shit, they all mated there like a week. All the kangaroos and all that type of stuff. Then he worked out some type of refrigeration system to keep the polar bears cold and the lions hot, and he made the door on the ark very small so the dinosaurs couldn’t get in ’cause he was a thinker. Then he had storage areas for all their delicate diets ’cause we all know what picky, fucking eaters pandas are. Aren’t pandas a bunch of cunts. I’m done with pandas. I’ll tell you why, every fucking living creature loves pandas. The panda doesn’t have a natural predator on the planet and they’re dying out because they’re fucking dicks. Fuck’em. Let’em die out. The pandas don’t fuck each other, they don’t have babies, therefore we’ve got no fucking pandas, they’re dead, why, let’s lose the fucking pandas. We’ve tried. We have fucking tried. We at the Human Rights put pandas in cages together, and try to help them fuck. We go, “there’s a panda. ” “Go fuck the panda. ” And they just look at each other. You put me in a cage with anything, anything, and after a week I’ll fuck it. You’d think pandas know the Chinese that’s all I’m gonna say about Christianity. To be honest with you, it’s just a glorified panda joke. It’s how comedy works, right? You start with a funny bit, you work backwards, so I start panda, and I go all the way back to small Jesus, very logical. But I know I’m in America, and all you people love God, and all that, eh? So let’s pick out a few more religions and make it fair. All right? Jews. What’s all that about? What’s with the curly sideburns? Where in the Bible does it say, “If thou loves me, thou shall look lie a dick?” Next religion. Isn’t Buddha a fat bastard? That’s all I’ve got on Buddha. One more. Muslims. Can you feel that? Can you fucking feel that? One word, one fucking word, and all your assholes shrunk up and went… Oh, make it good, Australia, man. Don’t fuck this up. ‘Cause you think when I say Muslims I’m about to be racist, don’t ya? I’m not racist, I’m a bigot. It’s completely different. And being Muslim isn’t a race. I’m not talking about Arab people, I have no problems with Arab people, I like to eat food late at night. I’m talking about Muslims. I’m not talking about terrorists, every comic who has a Muslim joke does a terrorist joke. Obviously most of them aren’t terrorists, I’m talking about the things that we know, and shit, the fact that women have very few rights in their culture. Now, it sounds good in theory, but- In our society it should be frowned upon. I don’t think I could be a Muslim because they can’t eat bacon or drink beer. And they’re the two greatest fucking things in the world. You take bacon and beer away from me and I’ll fly a plane into a fucking building. I love drinking. I hate people who don’t drink. Never met an interesting person in my life who didn’t drink. If you don’t drink you’re a boring cunt and all your story sucks. All your stories end the same way with “And then I got home.” No one gives a shit that you’ve been promoted at work, and no one gives a fuck that your kids don’t have bruises. Ever asked a non-drinker why they don’t drink? Same fucking answer every time, you go, “Why don’t you drink?” They go, “I don’t like the taste of it.” Nobody does! No one likes the taste of it, we drink ’cause we fucking have to. No one’s ever had a shot of tequila and gone, “Oooh, that’s lovely!” “Next time I’ll have that instead of pudding. We drink ’cause life’s shit. And you gotta do whatever you can I- I honestly didn’t mean to time it like that. That’s like a magic trick, ain’t it? I’ve decided I’m gonna punch people in the head if they say the next sentence. I encourage you to do the same because they think they’re better than you. Anyone who says the sentence: “I don’t need to drink or take drugs to have a good time, I’m high on life.” Punch that cunt in the head till your hand breaks. Really… Well, I’m, angry on alcohol. Now drive me home. Smoking‘s a weird one, man. Smoking’s like… I appreciate with smoking that you can’t smoke indoors anymore. I think that’s the right law. I think if people are working there I think it’s fair enough. And it’s the same law all across the world. But in Australia now, But you can’t smoke in front of a hooker. ‘Cause this might be detrimental to her health. Is this really the worst thing that’s happening to this woman’s body on a day-to-day basis? If you pay her enough money you can bone her. I’m not saying pour petrol on her and light her up, I’m saying, let people know you were there. Now, while I’m on the subject of burn victims, I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy, it’s an awful thing to happen to anyone, but I do laugh whenever there’s like, a house fire or a car accident, or something like that, and someone gets really badly burned, and the news read’ll be like, “They’re alive, but they have been burned “Burned beyond recognition.” You ever seen a burn victim? Most recognizable person in a room. The term should be, “Burned to recognition. ” This is my mate Steve, no one used to notice him at parties. Since the accident, you go, he’s gone from plain to extra crispy. But back to smoking. Why do we still have no-smoking signs out? That makes no sense, we used to have to have no-smoking signs. We used to have to know where we could or could not smoke. Now, we can’t fucking smoke anywhere, so why the signs? It’s the law. I understand the law. We don’t have signs for every other law to remind us all the time. We’re meant to understand this. Right? So every place you walk in has a no-smoking sign but it also should have above it, “And don’t touch kids.” Because, I feel like that’s the worst crime. You’ll see me in the court of a nightclub fisting a small animal, going “That don’t have a sign.” “I think I can do this.” Obviously that wouldn’t happen, ’cause I don’t go to nightclubs. My nightclub days are over, I’m 32, I’m a pub guy, that’s it. Pub and comedy club, that’s all I do. I don’t go to nightclubs And if you’re over 25 and you still go to nightclubs, you’re a dick. You’re a dick, and you look like a loser, and if you drive around a car that goes, pff, pff, you’re a fucking dick. If you’ve ever wanted to be a DJ that mixes songs- dick. Nightclubs treat you like you’re a child. I hate being told I’m not good enough to get into a building by some guy. I hate going to the toilet and not be able to wash my own hands because I have a man there that I’m meant to tip a couple of dollars. Like, and he’s there with a bit of stuff and a hand towel, and I’m like, “Can you fuck off, mate?” I’ve washed my hands before. I’m very good at it, it’s one of my skills. I’m not the most hygienic man in the world, I was just sniffing coke off a toilet seat. Do you really think the cleanliness of my hands is of a paramount concern at the present moment? You ever walked out of there and not washed your hands? He looks at you like you’re scum. I’m scum? You work in a fucking toilet, man. I don’t even wash my hands, fuck washing my hands. I do so many filthy things, that’s fucking- People get obsessed with germs. Every time I have a one-night stand, afterwards I go, “Can I use your toothbrush?” And she’ll just be like: You’ve just sucked my cock, give me your fucking toothbrush. I’m gonna tell you some stories about my family. We’ll start with my dad, all right? My dad’s a cool guy, he’s a bit of a dick, he’s like all dads, he thinks he’s funny, and he’s funny for other reasons. Anyway, so me and my older brother Scott, Scott was about nine years old, I was about five years old, we’re in the garage, and we’re loading up the car to take things down to the junkyard, So we’re going through these old boxes in the garage and my brother pulls a vibrator out of the box, just like this: And my dad does that he’s-concerned- but-he-doesn’t-want-us- “Hey, what you got there?” And then he takes the vibrator, and me and my brother, we know that run, we know what’s happened. This is something good. Eh? We’re fucking transfixed, “What is that, dad, what, what, what?” “What is that?” And dad turns around with the full knowledge that we have no idea, and he’s like, “What, uh… What… This, this is a… Women… Women, uh… Women use this to mas- It’s a massager.” And then my dad turns it on and goes, “Whoa, I’m having a great time. ” He turns it off, he puts it back in the box, he puts the box back on the top shelf, and he goes, “Now, we’re not to look at that anymore.” A week later, me and my brother, it’s like, the middle of summer in Sydney, it’s blistering heat, we’re just rocking around in our underwear, as kids do, you know. My brother Scott walks out to me, and Scott, he goes, “Jim. Garage.” We go out to the garage, he gets up on all these boxes, he pulls the vibrator out from the top shelf, and he looks at me and goes, “Now, you massage me, then I’ll massage you. I go first. ” Now, anyone who knows an older brother, or has an older brother, knows this is a fucking trick. You’re never gonna get a go. Older brothers always go first. You never go first. You push him on the swing for six fucking minutes and then they fuck off. So I turn the vibrator on, “I’m gonna get a go”, “Yeah, you’re gonna get a fucking go”, “All right”, “Okay.” I start working me brother’s back, just, And my brother gives it these ones- Then it’s my turn, right? I stand in front, my brother turns the vibrator on, he drops it on the ground, he fucks off. Now, I’m five years old, what do I do? Five-years-old, you cry. Right? So I’m sitting in the dark of the garage, in me underwear, crying, there’s a fucking vibrator kicking off on the ground, I pick up the vibrator and start working me back. And then my dad walks in. To find his five-year-old son in the garage, in his underwear, rubbing a vibrator all over his back. crying. And my dad walks up and he looks me in the eye, and this is when he says, he goes, “Has Scotty fucked you over again?” Then my dad takes the vibrator off me and looks at me and goes, “Now, you’re not to play with this, all right? You’re not to play with this. This is Dad’s.” Now, that sentence has haunted me. This is tense. That raises more questions than I ever fucking need answered. He retired from work, my old man, And as a retirement gift I paid for him then paid for me and him to go out to Germany in the Soccer World Cup. It literally cost me 10,000 pounds, which is like 200,000 American dollars. So, we’re going out, we’re gonna see Australia vs. Brazil, now, this is the biggest game in Australia’s soccer history, that’s in Munich, it’s a great fucking soccer country, Germany, he’s loving it, right? The stadium’s about 20 miles out of the city, it was like 34 degrees Celsius, which is, I don’t know, 300 Fahrenheit, or something. And they piled us onto these un-air-conditioned trains like fucking sardines, I’ve never felt so crammed up in my life, like, so uncomfortable, I’d never felt so uncomfortable While we were in the train there’s Brazilian fans chanting, On the other end of the train there’s Australian fans trying to chant back, but it’s really like our first World Cup so it’s just like one bloke going, Ronaldo’s got big teeth. And the singing dies down for just a second, right? Enough time for my dad to go, “This is how they used to transport the Jews.” There are very few sentences on this planet that can make any train of soccer hooligans go, “Fucking Jesus, mate.” “That’s a bit uncalled-for. ” Well, my dad thought maybe they didn’t hear him, right? So he said it again slightly louder. “But some of them didn’t make it to the camps, you know. ” We get off the train, I’m fucking mortified, I have never been so embarrassed in my life, and I’m with my dad, I’m going, “Are you fucking kidding me, what is fucking wrong with you”, and he’s like, “What? What have I done now? What?” And I’m like, “The Jew comment” and he went, “Oh, the fucking- They was saying things, I said some things, I said something.” “We’re at the football.” You can’t argue with that. I’m very excited about America. I am looking forward to living here. Now, I get to travel a bit with this job. Three years ago I was in, uh… South Africa for the Cape Town Comedy Festival, I was out there for six weeks doing gigs. I was out there with a comedian, a very good friend of mine, I won’t say his name, but he’s gay as fuck this guy, right? And so every day, what we’d do is we go like, we have a heterosexual day, try to pick up girls, and then we go to a gay nightclub the other day. So we go into this gay nightclub in South Africa called Bronco. Let’s face it, gay nightclub in Africa, should have been called AIDS. We’re taking two ecstasy tablets each, right? And he’s off on the dance floor trying to get some dick and I’m standing at the end of the bar chatting with a couple of lads I’ve never met before, and one of them goes, “You’re wasted, aren’t you?” And I go, “Yep”, and he goes, “Do you want to come to the bathroom with me?” Now, as a drug taker, I think he’s offering me a lot of coke. So I went: “Would I!” I put my arm around him, dragged him off to the toilet, “Man,this is gonna be fucking awesome, man”! I went into the stall first to wipe the seat down, then I went out and beckoned him in. Now I don’t know about all the men in the room but I know these days when you get me all fellow zocked off, it takes a little while to stand to attention. But he must have really liked me, ’cause he walked in with what I can only describe as a great big black cock. He shut the door to the stall. There are now three people in the stall: me, him and the great big black cock. Just to give the dimensions of the man, he’s this tall, he’s this wide, the cock’s erect, it’s poking into my stomach. I look up at him and I go… “I thought we were gonna do some coke”. And he went: “Do you want some coke first?” “I only want coke”. “But I can see how with your accent you may have mistaken that for cock?” Now I’d like to say that something funny happened after that but, uh, no. No, he was actually a really good guy, I told him I was wasn’t gay and he apologized, we went out and he bought me a drink. Um, but for the sake of comedy, he raped me! ‘Cause that makes the joke more fun. He raped me. I um, my mother– we’ll talk about my mum a bit. My mum is a very nice lady, big fat woman. Can take a punch. She- she- uh she’s over 300 pounds, right? When- when me and Scotty were young, when- same ages, nine and five, big year, Mum took me and Scotty out to see the Moscow Circus when it came to uh, Sydney. Now their was an elephant in the Moscow Circus called Gunter, and the Circus Master used to and the elephant used to rise into it’s legs. I- i- it was a great show anyway, from that moment on me and my brothers would refer to my mum as Gunter. Never to her face, never to her face, but with such sentences as: “When’s Gunter coming home?” “What’s Gunter making for dinner?” “Don’t do that, Gunter will catch you!” Now this still goes on to this day but we never once said it to her face except for this one time when my brother’s about seventeen and I’m about thirteen, we’re at home watching a mid-day movie. Now my brother’s on the couch, arm laid on the floor, my mum’s in a chair. Now did anyone have a parent that had their own chair? They were always the cunty parent. They were never the good one. If you’re a parent that has their own chair, you’re a fascist piece of shit. If you come home and someone’s sitting in your chair, there’s plenty of other seats, you nazi cunt. You don’t fucking rule the world. Now she had this chair or as we called it: The Throne of Misery, the Throne of Misery was a lazyboy chair that had given up all hope and the springs were all indented. Now the movie we are watching is the Blob, the original Blob with Steve McQueen, the old film, mid-day movie. We’re watching the Blob, and the scene were the Blob is oozing out of the cinema, my brother goes: “That’s you, mum! That’s you.” And me and my brother laugh like it’s the funniest joke that’s ever been said, because at the time there’s a good chance it was. My mother on the other hand did not find this joke funny. She looks over at my brother and goes: You think you’re too old for a smack across the head, you little fucking bastard? I brought you into this world and I’ll fucking take you out! And then she goes to get out of the chair but she’s so fat and so angry, she can’t get any leverage. So she’s just rocking from side to side: “You fucking kids! I used to have a life”, and her head slash neck which was all the same to me is getting redder and veinier! My brother knows he has so much time to run away, that he casually walks over, stands in front of her, turns to me and winks, and goes: “Up, Gunter, up!” And that’s the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve got a theory. Every single time a man sleeps with a lot of women, he’s called a stud. But if a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she’s called a slut. And people think this is unfair. Not! It’s completely fair. And I’ll tell you why, right? ‘Cause it’s fucking easy to be a slut. It’s fucking hard to be a stud. To be a stud you have to be witty, charming, well-dressed, have nice shoes and a fab job. To be a slut you just have to be there. There are fat ugly sluts out there. There are no fat ugly studs. I’ve met slutty dwarfs, I’ve never met a stud dwarf. Maybe in their own realm, but none that have crossed over to our world. I will say realm when I mention dwarfs. Realm is the right- right word because if fantasy movies and science fiction films have taught me anything is that dwarfs are the only socially acceptable form of disability to put in a movie, without anyone questioning what the fuck you’re doing. You think of another disability that’s been dressed up as something else. Nothing. Dwarfs, we’ll paint ’em orange, make ’em dance, call ’em Oommpa Loompa. George Lucas can ring up a dwarf farm, and go: “I need a hundred dwarfs”, “put ’em in bear outfits”. “We’ll call ’em Ewocks, let’s make this movie happen!”. Try doing that with Cerebral Palsy and see were it gets ya! “I need fifteen spastics”, “Cover ’em in fur, we’ll call ’em Wonky Donky Monsters”. “They protect the emperor”. “Let’s make this movie happen!” sluts and studs before and… when I say sluts I don’t mean that as a bad word. I love sluts. I fucking- I need ’em in my life, sluts. They’re the best. I- I want what everyone wants in this world. I wanna fall in love, I wanta get married, I wanta have kids, I wanta be happy ever after, but the problem is, I’ve done this job for so long and fucked so many sluts, that I can’t go back to nice girls. ‘Cause nice girls are shit in bed. Now I know there are a lot of nice girls in the room right now. They’re going: “You don’t know me”. “I’m dirty”. No you’re fucking not, you’re shit in bed. But it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault. It’s that everything is worked out for you in your life. I’m not blaming you, nothing bad has happened, and therefore you wouldn’t do disgusting things. I appreciate that. Now I know you’re thinking you’re dirty, I- let me see if I got you right here. All the girls that think they’re dirty but they’re nice girls, I can see you out there. Y- You think you’re dirty because you have a nurse’s outfit or a schoolgirl outfit You uh, deep throat a cock because you saw someone doing it in a porn once and you think “Oh my boyfriend will dig that”. Ah, you take it up the ass four times a year, am I correct? Now please don’t think that I don’t appreciate the effort. Because I do, I- thank you so much for trying. But I’ll tell you what the difference is, when you deep throat a cock, you’re doing it because you’ve seen it in a porn and you think your boyfriend will enjoy it. When a slut deep throats a cock, she’s doing it because she can’t last another second without having a cock bruising the back of her throat. When you’ve got a cock in your ass, you’re thinking: “This isn’t so bad. I hope he’s enjoyed his birthday”. When a slut’s got a cock in her ass she’s thinking: “You know what’d be good? Two cocks in my ass!” And you can’t learn this. That has to be in your system, that has to be part of you. But the thing is you can’t marry the slut, you can’t have a relationship with the slut, because slut’s are fucking mental! Mental! That’s what makes them good, they’ve got some power. I fucked this girl five months ago for four months. All right? For four months I fucked her, and then a couple weeks ago, she walks up, four and a half months from the moment I met her, she walks up at my house with a baby, going: “This is your baby!”. Now I’m not great at maths, all right? And the baby’s Chinese, and there’s a Chinese family crying: “Give us back our baby!” Fucking mental. See the thing is, now I’m saying, sluts, there might be some women in the audience I’m gonna do some cunt jokes now. I’m gonna do some jokes about cunts. Now the thing is with doing cunt jokes, I know- and also the word “cunt” you don’t like it, do you America? You’re not comfortable with it There’s women that every time I say the word “cunt”, they’re like Aw, Jesus! You just don’t like it and- and you accept it from me because “Oh he’s foreign, he doesn’t know better”. I do know better I just don’t give a fuck. The thing is you’ve got worse words in America, like- like you haven’t heard me say “mother fucker”, Have you? It’s ridiculous that word. I think it just sounds terrible in my accent, The word “mother fucker” is much more offensive than “cunt”. It’s, “cunt” is, it’s- it’s- it’s it’s in Shakespeare, in Chaucer, it’s the oldest swear word in the world. It’s lovely. But mother fucker is so brash. Let’s break down the word mother fucker, right? It’s a boy fucking his mum. In the cunt. It’s horrible. Now I’m gonna do some jokes about female genitalia. Now I don’t feel bad about doing this anyway because I haven’t been to many comedy clubs where I haven’t seen a female comic and not being able to get their dick up, and what’s wrong with men, when you fuck ’em, a, b, c and d… And I- I’ve never seen a man at the end of the show walk up to the manager and go “well I enjoyed it, but I feel that penis stuff was unnecessary”. Men just fucking, “Aw, I got a small dick what are you gonna do about it?” See, women always go for the dick, they think that’s men’s Achilles Heel, they always go after you. “It’s not funny, it’s funny… ” Every time you shag a bird, and you’re not good to her, and then like a week later, all the friends will walk past you and do that. And women think that’s the funniest joke in the world, right? That’s not funny, that’s hurtful. Next time you think about doing that, imagine you fuck a guy, the next day all of his mates walk past you and go: You never do that again! And you think by doing this you’re teaching me something I don’t already fucking know? I’m well aware I’ve got a small dick, I’ve measured it. I know how big my dick is to the millimeter. But does any woman in this room truly know the size of their cunt? None of you, and none of you will ever know for sure because no man’s gonna tell you because we’re good people. I know what you’re thinking. He’s not talking about my cunt ’cause it gets a bit sore during sex. That means fuckle. I’ve been down on a woman for twenty minutes, it’s wide open, it’s flowing like the Mary River, I put the tip of my cock in there, they go “Gentle, gentle, gentle”. “I could shove my fucking head in that”. Sometimes fat chicks have really tight cunts. That’s a bloody mystery eh? I think it’s ’cause all the fat’s pushing inwards, and when you’re fucking ’em, and you never actually reach the cunt. That’s why doctor’s say fat women have to lose weight to get pregnant. That’s a good joke. I- I’ll tell you a bit about me, I- as I’m getting older, I’m finding it harder and harder to- to come. I used to be able to come like that, I was like an orgasming ninja. I could come whenever I- And now I can’t come so much because each day that goes by… I- I can come if I’m masturbating because I know me. But if there’s a chick involved and it’s not really nasty and everything, I can’t really… So what I do is I fake orgasm now because I wear condoms. And if you wear condoms the girl doesn’t know that you’re faking and I can’t come with a condom on. Those days are long gone. and I fake orgasm with a condom on, eh, and women don’t think that men can fake orgasm but we can fucking fake orgasm. You think that’s your only domain. The weird thing is that men… I have to fake orgasm because if I don’t come, a girl will take that personally, like she hasn’t done a good job, right? And women fake orgasms because, I don’t know why. I don’t give a shit. I have done my best. What do you want from me? I’m a- I’m trying, I- I- if I haven’t made you come, I’ve made girls come before. Don’t blame me. Your cunt’s broken. All right? And- and- and female orgasm’s all wailing and jiggly legs like I’ll never crack that code or something. But my fake orgasm as a man is a piece of piss. This is me fake orgasming with a condom on. Now what I do is I put ’em in doggy style, and then I just go like this: There you go! Uh! And then I take the condom off really quickly and run to the bin. “Oh just put this over here”, which is very similar to how my dad runs. Eh! “Don’t come over here!” You know, you put tissues over… “Don’t come near the bin! You’ll get pregnant!” “There’s so much come here”. “Be careful!” Which leaves me to ask the next question: If I come like this, When retarded people come, do they look normal for a second? Is there a little window of time where…? Uh, let’s finish up on a story, we’ve got, you know… Now, uh, a few years back, maybe four years ago now, I was performing in the Amsterdam Hilton, now the base of the Amsterdam Hilton have a comedy club, and I was there for two weeks. I had two days off from my two weeks, and I found out that on the outskirts of Amsterdam there’s a great big place called the Porn Warehouse, which is like a great big Walmart. So on my day off I thought: “Fuck Ann Frank’s place”. And- I went out to the Porn Warehouse. Now when I go grocery shopping, Porn warehouse, took a trolley. It still had the kid seat, which I thought was odd. Now I’m lining my trolley full of every little bit of porn and paraphernalia I can get, I get up towards the till and there’s a massive wall covered in dildo’s. Now if you’re with your mates, what would you do? Sword fight! But I was by myself so I just do that scene from Star Wars where there’s like the floating wall with the… Now there’s a smaller wall but just as impressive, covered in rubber vibrating vaginas. Now whenever you’re with your mates and see one of those, you go “Who the fuck would use one of those eh?” There’s always a bit of your brain that goes: “Wouldn’t mind trying that just once”. So, I got myself the Jimmy Jammers and rubber vibrating vagina and the side of the box said: “Vibrates so as to give realistic sensation.” Realistic if your fucking a chick with Parkinson, but not realistic in the full sense. Now I’m going back to my hotel and decided if I’m gonna have this wank, it’ll be the wank. It’s gotta be the wank that when I’ve got dementia I’ll be sitting in a nursing home going: I fucked a rubber cunt! I f- I fucked it! Wednesday’s pudding day! So I put on me porn on one side of the bed, I put porn on the telly, I got the rubber cunt, it had a vibrating egg that went on the end with a cord to a remote control. I uh, lubed up my cock and I proceeded to fuck it. Now, it felt okay but I couldn’t really enjoy meself because the only thought going through me head was: “If you die right now”, this is how they’ll tell your mum they found you”. Now as I’ve already mentioned, I don’t have a big cock. I think the rubber cunt was faulty. ‘Cause as I’m fucking it, the latex on the top just sort of tears, and I’m pretty upset ’cause it’s not like I can take it back to the shop, slap it on the counter and go: “Look at that”. “I bought that an hour ago”, “went home and fucked it”, “now that cunt’s broken”. Now, I still had a lot of lube, I still had a lot of porn, and I still had a vibrating egg. So I did what anyone in this room would do: I lubed that egg up and shoved it up me ass! It’s now sitting up against the gland The male g spot. It felt terrific. I was enjoying myself so much I was already thinking of other things to shove up me ass once I got back to London. I slapped me cock a couple of times and I gizzed all over me chest. so now I’ve got gizzle all over me chest, lube on me cock, egg hanging out me ass, broken cunt in the corner. I gotta tell you, I’ve looked better. Now you know that bit of pain that goes through your soul after you’ve had a wank and you got a bit of come on your hand? and you go: “What did you do that for?” “You’re a grown man. ” Well I still had an egg hanging out of my ass. Safe to say I wanted to kill meself, so I started slapping the porn off the bed, turn the porn off the telly. I go to whip the egg outta me ass, the fucking cord snaps off! Not only does it snap off, but the two plastic shells of the egg slightly break apart, and are now pinching against me colon! Now you’re first thought is: “Well don’t worry about this Jim, you can shit this out”. But your ass hole knows what shit is and it knows what plastic egg is, and it don’t play cricket in this situation. Now, I don’t know if you all know a lot about your colon, and know should ‘ya, But they’re made up of several channels that pump poo through. Now I’ve lubed up this finger and this thumb. And I’ve gone up me ass after the egg. With every grab I’ve pushed it further, and further and further up my colon. It’s now up to channel five. My next thought was to get a whole lot of high fiber food, make my poo really solid, push the egg out through pressure, very similar to when Augustus Gloop got stuck in the chocolate chute in I was working on one method at a time. I could’ve done with an Oommpa Loompa with a plunger. Now as many of you may have already realized, I’m not a doctor. I didn’t know that high fiber food made you poo sloppy. I thought the grains and stuff held together to make some type of super poo. Turns out that protein makes you poo hard. Ironically, I should’ve been eating boiled eggs. Instead, I had to shit the way around the egg. I don’t feel like you’re all getting into this story. So let’s jump forward to day number three. I decided that if it was up my ass for another day, I was gonna go to hospital. My biggest fear was going to hospital in a foreign country “You’ll never guess what’s happened to me”. But being Holland there’s a good chance he could go: “You have an egg up your ass?” “Go join the cue with the other Australians”. On day number three I had a Chinese dinner. And I kept my chopsticks. Now I’ve gone back to the hotel. I’ve bent over At this moment I’ve thought to myself: “You probably should’ve gone to the Ann Frank museum”. I put one chopstick on top of the egg, in a crow bearing fashion. The other chopstick I used to widen the hole. In one motion I snapped this egg outta my ass. Followed by two feet of shit. It was at this moment I thought to meself: Shoulda done that in the bathroom! Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much!

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JIM GAFFIGAN: CINCO (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-gaffigan-cinco-2017-full-transcript/

Full transcript of Jim Gaffigan’s fifth Netflix original stand up special Cinco. In Cinco, Jim tackles all sorts of topics like being fat and loving it, Summer vs Winter, Siberia, Wisconsin, Getting tricked to move to the midwest, spring vs fall, Mary Had A Little Lamb, vacationing in Western Mass, hiking, SUV’s vs Trucks, TV Shows, Netflix, Cable, Flip Phones, morning people, okay costumes vs not ok costumes, Airport security, the fair, elevators, and so much more hilarious topics that is sure to make you laugh. Aah! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Aw, thank you. Lower your expectations. Thank you. Thank you. It would have been weird if you didn’t clap, I guess. If I walked out and you’re like, “Mm. Well, let’s see. Let’s see how fat this bastard got.” And the answer is, “Fatter.” I gave up a long time ago. Now it’s like it’s happening to someone else. “Oh, someone should do something. I feel like I’m witnessing a forest fire. I hope they can contain it. Change the channel.” This is real. This isn’t a prosthetic. I did it myself. It’s organic. I am a fat guy. There’s indications. I’ve caught myself unconsciously covering my stomach with my arm. That’s a total fat-guy move. Now I’m thin. Can’t see my belly. Fat, thin. Maybe I hope people will look at me and think, “Is he holding a baby? Oh, he’s thin and nurturing. What a fella.” I know these pants are tight. That’s a little gift for the ladies. And some of the fellas! Can’t control who I turn on at this point. These pants are tight, but after I wear them for a week, they’ll look fine. That’s my approach with clothing. Eventually the clothes go, “All right, I’ll adjust. You can get bigger pants or I could just stretch out. Whatever works for you, Jim.” By the way, this shirt, when it’s untucked, goes down to like here. It’s frightening. It’s so long. I look at it on my bed. I’m like, “Is that my shirt or a sleeping bag?” It’s huge! But then when I put it on, I’m like, “It’s a little tight. Where am I going, rollerblading?” But I don’t care. Did that sound believable? ‘Cause that’s our go-to, right? When there’s something we can’t control, we just act like we wouldn’t want it anyway. “I don’t care. Who’d wanna be thin? Who’d wanna look healthy and attractive?” Everyone. “Not me. I’d rather look like a marshmallow with a wig on.” Oh, I have a new belt… ’cause my old belt looked like it was tortured on Game of Thrones. I don’t know what happened to it. I think it’s ’cause I don’t like to give up on the belt hole. I’m like, “We’re still good.” My poor belt was like, “I could have been a watch band for David Beckham.” But a belt for a fat guy serves a different purpose. A thin person wears a belt to hold up their pants. These pants aren’t going anywhere. A fat guy just wears a belt as a distraction. Distracting from the fact that this is all the same surface. It’s just a mini equator… separating the northern hemisphere from the southern blob. And the wider the belt, the greater the illusion. That’s just science. That’s why Santa Claus… Santa’s belt is like a conveyor belt. It’s not even holding up his pants. It’s keeping his jacket closed. And we’re leaving cookies out for that slob? Of course, Santa wears suspenders under his coat. Suspenders, the last stop for the fat guy. Because eventually the gut gets so big, the pants need to be suspended… like a bridge. The belt no longer fits across the equator. It must be buckled underneath. Instead of holding up the pants, it drags them down. ‘Cause every action has an equal opposite reaction, forcing one to choose between suspenders or a lifetime of plumber jokes. Sad. Thank you for being here tonight, by the way. Okay. This is my fifth hour-special. I have one for each of my five children. So, hopefully, this is the last one. Yeah. It’s beautiful here. I hope you had a nice summer ’cause there’s pressure to enjoy summer. Right? I’m from the Midwest. It’s almost a panic. “Go out there. Have fun. Winter’s coming to kill us. Go! Get skin cancer now!” ‘Cause there’s an expectation of fun during summer. In winter, we discuss summer with such reverence. In January, you’d think we were talking about a family pet that passed away. “Remember summer? I miss summer. I have photos of summer. That’s when we were a happy family.” Summer’s presented as a vacation. It’s like a three-month vacation for nobody but children. And who doesn’t deserve a few months off after the rigors of kindergarten? I have five young children, during summer, they lounge around like they’ve just returned from fighting ISIS. “Third grade was a beast.” Summer vacation does kind of set up an adulthood of disappointment. That first job, you’re like, “I have to go to work in July? What is this, Russia?” There’s a strange pressure to travel during summer. “Going somewhere this summer?” “Why do I have to go somewhere?” “We lived here during the horrible weather. Now that it’s nice, we should go somewhere else.” It makes no sense. And winter is some horrible weather, right? We’re never ready for it. We’re never ready for the seasons to change. Even in October, we’re caught off guard. We’re like, “It’s getting cold. What is this, every year now?” We’re not angry. In February, people are angry about the weather. We wanna blame someone. We’re like, “It’s freezing. Obama! It’s that darn ObamaCare. No ObamaCare, it’d be 72 degrees out there.” There’s always a couple guys that don’t care about the cold, right? They’re like, “What is it, two degrees out there? That’s nothing. I went golfing. I’m wearing shorts ’cause I’m a dick.” Those are the people that go swimming outside on New Year’s Day. Don’t you secretly want them to die? Not all of them, but you watch the news like, “Not one fatality, huh?” But I should be used to it. I’m from the Midwest. All the memories of my childhood, it was always winter. It was winter when I was walking through slush past mounds of snow. When I was in high school, I saw a photograph of Siberia where Stalin would send Russian prisoners. It looked exactly like my hometown. “Is that my bike? That’s my bike!” I asked my dad, I was like, “Why do we live here? Why would you stay?” And he’s like, “Well, you know, these severe winters, they really make you appreciate summer.” It was at that point that I realized he was an alcoholic. “Oh, you’re just drunk all the time.” “It’s pretty warm for me always.” As a kid, I used to imagine people were tricked to move to the Midwest. They were on the East Coast in a covered wagon 200 years ago. Someone was like, “Whoa. Where you going?” “Oh, we’re going out West. We’re gonna go out West.” “West, huh? Have you thought of the Midwest?” “Midwest?” “Yeah. It’s like the West, but it’s closer. Tell you what. Do you like amber waves of grain?” “Uh, no. I have celiac disease.” “How about lakes? Everyone likes lakes. Lakes in the Midwest are good. In fact, there are Great Lakes. One of them’s Superior.” “Uh, I’m not going there.” But I do love the Midwest. Every Christmas, I go to Milwaukee. I love telling my friends in California that I go to Wisconsin in December. They’re like, “Oh, no, no. Don’t go there.” I’m like, “That’s where my wife’s family is from.” “You should get a new wife.” All I do in Wisconsin is eat cheese. I know it’s a cliché, but in Wisconsin it’s like they’re trying to get rid of it. “Oh, hey, you want some cheese?” “I just woke up.” “That’s a yeah, right?” Have you ever eaten so much cheese you think: “I may never use the bathroom again”? People on the East Coast think that’s weird. In the Midwest, that’s Monday. But it’s the weather. That’s why we eat the way we do, we’re just like: “Ah, it’s still winter. It’s summer, but I’m on a roll.” It’s not always winter. There’s spring. People love spring. That’s a fun day. What a lie spring is. Right? I spend the entire spring waiting for it to be spring. You’re like, “Is it spring?” “No, it’s snowing.” Next day. “Is it spring?” “No, it’s 90 degrees.” “I guess we missed those tiny white flowers.” Fall, people love fall. “It’s my favorite season.” It’s not a competition. “My favorite season that I’m voting for in America’s Next Top Season is fall.” People that love fall, they go crazy for the foliage. “The foliage! Let’s drive by the foliage. It’s so beautiful the way the leaves die. They’re so pretty right before they fall to their death.” We think it’s beautiful. It’s the leaves’ hospice. It also helps that the leaves can’t talk. If they could talk, they’d be like: “Get me chlorophyll! Why are these people driving by and smiling at me? You monsters!” We’re rather insensitive to the leaves’ tragedy. They die, they fall to the ground. We just rake them up. “Kids, you wanna jump on this pile of dead leaves? No? All right. I’ll just light them on fire.” The poor leaves, all they know is spring and summer. And then in October, they’re like, “Where is everyone going?” Early in November, you always see a couple of leaves hanging on. They’re like, “I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna make it through winter. Me and my buddy, Carl. Right, Carl? Carl?” The pine trees, they must resent the attention the leaves get. “Stupid leaves. Everyone’s driving by looking at the pretty leaves. I didn’t even bother get to know them. After a couple months, they’re dead. Come December, you’ll be climbing a ladder and sticking a star on my head.” “Why would a pine tree sound like it’s from Brooklyn? How many jokes about seasons does this guy have?” Speaking of foliage, I have to tell you, last October, I was in western Massachusetts and they’re very proud of their foliage. They’re like, “You see our foliage?” “Uh, nice job. Good work doing nothing.” And I was with a friend and we drove by this schoolhouse, and my friend was like, “You see that schoolhouse? That’s the schoolhouse where they wrote, ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb.’” I was like, “Am I supposed to be impressed by that?” And he’s like, “Well, it is a national landmark.” And I’m like, “Are people going, ‘Come on, kids. Let’s go see where they wrote the worst song ever'”? But what I didn’t realize is that “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” in its day, was a huge hit. It was huge. It was like their “Uptown Funk.” Which makes you wonder what was going on in the 1830s. “Have you heard that song, ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’? It’s the song of our generation. It’s so complex. It’s about this girl, Mary, who had a lamb that was little. The song explains it better. I’m not doing it justice.” My friend told me, “That song’s based on a true story.” I’m like, “Well, I hope so… ’cause that would be the worst made-up story ever.” How bad were the other songs of that era? “Johnny Has a Little Small Pox.” “We’ll All be Dead by 30.” And of course my favorite, “Why Does Everyone Smell Like Poo?” “Jim, don’t do that.” I spent a couple weeks there, I stayed in this really nice, like, bed and breakfast. The woman that was running it, every morning she would ask me: “Are you gonna go hiking today?” And all I could think was, “Wow, this lady knows nothing about me.” Hiking not today or ever. I wouldn’t hike to escape the Nazis. Like, if I was in that movie, Sound of Music, and they’re like: “To avoid the Nazis, head over those mountains.” I would have been, “Mountains? Isn’t there a basement I could hide in? I mean, like a finished basement, you know. One with, like, a keg and an NFL season pass, know what I’m talking about?” I’ve been hiking. The first thing you notice when you go hiking is it’s a mistake. “Oh, we’re not walking anywhere in particular. There’s nothing at the end of this trail. There’s no bar or restaurant. Not even a vending machine. We’re just idiots.” There’s always a moment when you go hiking when you realize, “Oh, no. Now we have to walk back. There’s no exit through the gift shop.” I wanna like hiking. It’s like horseback riding. You wanna like it, then you get on a horse, you’re like, “That’s right. I’m not a 12-year-old girl. Get me off this poor animal.” But hiking is huge. It’s huge. There’s hiking clothing. There’s clothing for walking outside. I thought all clothing was for walking outside. There’s whole parts of the country. The entire Pacific Northwest, everyone’s dressed like there could be an impromptu hike at a moment’s notice. “Well, I’m going for a coffee, but you never know when a hike might break out. So, I’ll put on some sturdy shoes and a breathable fleece.” That joke was brought to you by Patagonia. We usually… We usually hike with a friend, right? And pretend you’re in a Viagra commercial? “How is your erectile dysfunction?” There’s always that solo hiker that looks like they just got rid of a body. “Is that guy with someone? Why is he carrying a garbage bag? Is that Dexter? Why’d you ask me to walk in the woods?” But it’s not just walking. Hiking involves an unnecessary amount of climbing. “You wanna climb up here?” No, I don’t wanna climb up there. I’m an adult. I have a driver’s license. I don’t like climbing. I don’t like climbing into an SUV. You know that final step up, I’m always like, “Is this worth it? Why can’t you have a normal car? What are we, going on a safari? I better see a damn elephant if I’m climbing into your gas guzzler.” But once you get in an SUV, you’re always like, “Oh, yeah. Let’s invade Iraq. Out of my way.” ‘Cause everyone turns into a jerk in an SUV like, “I don’t need a blinker.” Remember 15 years ago when they were like, “Stop buying SUVs, everyone. They’re wasteful and bad for the environment.” And we were like, “Okay. I’d like to buy an SUV.” “No, I have a reason.” “I don’t care.” I don’t own an SUV. I don’t even own a car ’cause I’m a good person. No. I live in New York City and I have five kids, so I just have them carry me around. I know nothing about cars. I come from a car family. My dad loved cars. My brothers loved cars. They talk about cars. They go to car shows. My brothers pay to look at cars they will never drive. And I thought strip clubs were weird. Most of the accessories are wasted. I mean, I’ve never used cruise control. The heated seats, I always feel like I just wet myself. “Oh, this is nice. Can we swing by the emergency room? I think this is also a symptom of a stroke.” When I go home to Indiana, I always rent a car. My brother Mitch is like, “What kind of car you renting?” I’m like, “It’s blue.” “Is that four or six cylinders?” “Blue.” I do know that the most manly form of transportation is a pickup truck ’cause my brother Mike has a pickup truck and he’s a real man. And at this point, pickup truck commercials give me anxiety. They’re all like, “You can tow one ton. You can tow two tons. You can tow an aircraft carrier.” Why? Why would you need that? I only see you going to Cracker Barrel. But people that drive pickups, they wanna be associated with the work ethic. And based on that, I should drive a bread truck. I was with my brother in a plant nursery, I was like: “If I buy a small tree, can I put it in the back of your truck?” And he’s like, “No. You’ll get the bed dirty.” And I realized something. Everyone I know who owns a pickup truck is not picking anything up. It’s like walking around with a big, empty suitcase. “Are you going on a trip?” “No, but I’m the type of guy who would.” “Ram tough. Ram tough.” Thank you to everyone who watched The Jim Gaffigan Show, by the way. I appreciate it. And if you didn’t watch, that just means you’re a jerk. But, no, but thank you if you did watch, ’cause there are so many television shows and episodes of television shows we could and should be watching. It’s amazing any of us are here right now. It’s kind of overwhelming, DVR, on-demand. Sometimes I open my Netflix, I’m like, “I don’t think I can do it. I’m not even gonna make a dent here.” And I know there’s pressure. We all feel it, ’cause we developed excuses for our friends, like we’re dealing with debt collectors. “You watch Game of Thrones?” “I’m a little behind. Give me a week. My wife had a dumb baby.” And it’s never-ending. “You finished that show? Now you have to watch this show and then–” “No, now I need to learn how to read again. I need to sound out some words and see if I can read.” Have you read a physical book lately? Not on a tablet or a laptop, an actual book? You feel like you’re Abe Lincoln. “Oh, it’s made of wood. Hope it doesn’t catch on fire. When does this have to be back at the museum?” ‘Cause we’re all binge-watching. When they first introduced the idea of binge-watching, I was like, “How pathetic. I’m just gonna watch an episode or two. I haven’t showered in a week? I’m a grandfather? I missed my own funeral?” I binge-watch shows I don’t even like. “This is pretty bad. I guess I’ll watch five more episodes.” I watched every episode of True Blood and I’m not even gay. Some of you are like, “Jim, watching True Blood doesn’t mean you’re gay.” That’s ’cause you’re gay. It’s the number one cause of gayness. My friends don’t understand. “When do you watch? You have five kids.” I ignore them. I can’t go to that recital. I’m re-watching West Wing. It’s embarrassing how I consume television. There are nights when I’ve told myself: “All right. One more season… then I’m going to bed. I mean, come on.” It’s hard to stop. You see the ending. You want the accomplishment. Right? “Oh, you ran a 10K? Yeah, I finished Mad Men. I did it. I’m a little sore, but I did it. I’m a television athlete. I’m a telathlete.” It’s strange when you get done watching an entire series. You don’t know what to do with yourself. “I haven’t been this lost since the ending of Lost. Should I go to a bar? I don’t know if I remember how to talk to people.” And starting a new show, that’s kind of like a blind date. Right? “Well, my friend said you were great. I’m free tonight, so… I think I’m ready to put myself back out there.” ‘Cause we have relationships with these television shows. You ever break up with a show? You watch a bunch of episodes and then you’re like, “It’s over. I don’t even know you anymore. I gave up the best nights of my life.” Netflix. They won’t let you forget your mistakes. They keep them in your queue. “Remember this relationship?” “I was drunk. I was on the rebound.” They’ll make suggestions, “Since you enjoyed True Blood, here’s some other gay shows.” “Maybe I would like The L Word, I don’t know.” Netflix has definitely made watching television with commercials kind of painful. Takes forever. You’re like, “What am I, growing my own food here? All right, Geico, we get it!” And it’s not just the length or the number of the commercials, it’s what the commercials say about the typical viewer of the show you’re watching. “Catheter? Why would–? Reverse mortgage? Back pain? I do have back pain. You know me so well, television show.” I watch a lot of cable news ’cause I enjoy being depressed. That’s the only reason to watch. After five minutes, they repeat the same stories. “Remember that horrible thing? Wait till we show you 20 more times. You won’t be able to sleep.” I think it’s interesting how all the cable newscasters are very attractive. They’re very attractive and they’re dressed up. I don’t know why. You know, you’re talking about a hurricane. What’s with the evening gown? But we all kind of watch like, “Thanks for showing some leg.” Cable newscasters are so attractive. When they interview a regular person, it’s visually distracting. Like, “Is that a bad guy? Or a victim? I know they’re a loser in this scenario, but…” But the newscasters, those are our town gossips. Right? That’s what newscasters are. Town gossips. “You’re not gonna believe what happened to this person you’ve never met before. Isn’t that sad? By the way, there’s some weird stuff going on in England. I have a friend, John, over there. John, why don’t you tell them about it? Thanks, John. Isn’t that horrible? By the way, it’s gonna rain tomorrow. I’m, like, 99 percent positive it’s gonna rain, and that’s sad.” Most of my friends under the age of 30 don’t even have cable. I’m like, “Where do you send your $500 a month?” It’s getting to be embarrassing to have cable. Right? “You have cable?” “I’m getting rid of it… when I die.” Technology is moving so fast. There’s times when you feel like you’re on top of it and then there’s times when you feel like that friend with the flip phone. We all have the friend or relative with the flip phone. You’re like, “Where’d you get that? Do you use that to call the past? What character were you on Breaking Bad?” But there’s definitely moments when I’m the person with a flip phone. Like, I have a landline. Some of you are like, “What’s a landline?” No one wants to admit they have a landline. It’s like discovering you’re still paying for AOL. Here’s how I justify having a landline. I’m like, “Well, I need a landline in case all the cell towers go out and then I could call no one.” Our landline will ring, our landline will ring, my wife and I, we won’t even move to answer it. “Well, it’s obviously not for us. No one we know has that number.” It’s like paying a stranger 10 bucks a month to interrupt dinner. By the way, I know nobody’s phone number. I don’t even know my own wife’s phone number. If I was arrested and allowed one call, I’d be like, “I don’t know, 911.” I do miss slamming down the landline when I was angry. You know, like, “You can go to hell.” You can’t do that with a cell phone. “You can go to hell.” Ugh. Don’t want that to fall in the toilet. Woke up today at 7 a.m. Got out of bed around 1:30. ‘Cause I need a good reason to get out of bed, like fire. That won’t even get me out of bed. One time I was in a hotel, the fire alarm went off. I didn’t even get out of bed. I was like, “That’s a test. I’d bet my life that’s a test.” I don’t understand the morning people. “Even on my day off, I’ll get up at 6.” We should be able to hit these people. I’m jealous. Yes. Hatred. Applaud hatred. But in reality, I’m jealous. I mean, you have to understand, my role models were the grandparents in that movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I remember watching that movie as a kid and seeing the scene with the grandparents in bed and thinking: “I like these people. I like what they’re all about.” They were in bed full-time. What if we did this till we die? They weren’t even watching television. They were looking at the other grandparents. “How’s your bed?” “It’s good. It’s good. It’s the same as your bed.” They were so in the bed. They lived in poverty. Their grandson got a golden ticket where he could win an entire chocolate factory and only one of the grandparents got out of bed. The other three were like, “Good luck, Charlie. You win the factory and make me a chocolate bed.” Typically, I have to get up early ’cause I have young children and they wanna experience things like life. “What are we doing today?” “Well, I was hoping to nap.” “Can we go outside?” “It’s closed.” During the summer, I tour with my kids and we’ll do, like, a kid activity during the day and then I’ll do a show at night, and usually the kid activity’s like a zoo or a park. When we were in Erie, Pennsylvania, we went on a pirate boat ride, which was pretty authentic, ’cause when I think of Lake Erie, I think of all them pirates storming the shores of western Pennsylvania. There were like 50 kids and they were all dressed like pirates. I felt like I was at a children’s Jimmy Buffet concert. And I tell you, those kids were having the time of their lives. Kids love to dress like pirates. The murderers and rapists that pirates were. And we think it’s adorable. “It’s so cute. He looks just like one of those sociopaths who terrorized the Caribbean.” We let our kids dress like murderers. Darth Vader, that genocidal lunatic. It’s fun. The devil. It’s cute. Hitler. No. No parent wants to explain that one. “Why is your boy dressed like Hitler?” “He’s fascinated with the Third Reich. He gets it from his father. His father’s man cave is all Hitler swag.” Summertime we went to a bunch of fairs. It’s amazing how your perspective on fairs changes. ‘Cause as a kid, you’re like, “The fair! There’s a fair!” As an adult, you’re like, “That looks dangerous. Are they cooking in that truck?” We used to go to the fair to see the biggest pig in the county. Now we go to the fair to be the biggest pig in the county. Some of that food at fairs, it’s ridiculous. Deep-fried Oreos, okay. Deep-fried Twinkies, maybe. Deep-fried butter, no. “You know how occasionally you’ll eat a stick of butter? What if we deep-fried it?” No. It’s wrong. I mean, it’s delicious… but it’s wrong. There’s no health inspector. That’s why they do that. Everything at the fair is very temporary. Meaning, when the cops come, they can leave. Some of those rides don’t look safe. I’ll just let my kids go first. No sense in us all dying. But you never wanna be judgmental at the fair. You’re always like, “You know what, I’m sure this ride’s fine. You know? I’m sure. I’m sure the guy running the ride, he’s probably a structural engineer. We don’t know. That’s probably how he lost his arm, you know?” ‘Cause inherently we’re trusting. We’re very trusting of elevators. We’re like, “What is this, a casket on a string? Let’s hop on. I don’t know how it works, but if it shakes, we’ll giggle.” We giggle ’cause we realize no one’s driving the elevator. We’re like, “We’re all gonna die.” So, we press one of these buttons or climb through the trap door in the ceiling that leads to every Bruce Willis movie. What do we do? We also giggle ’cause there’s no talking on an elevator, right? You get on an empty elevator, you and a friend, and you’re like, “I’ll tell you later.” It’s like a den of awkwardness. You just stand there like: “Are we supposed to kiss? What are we doing?” It’s very strange. Not as awkward as a stairwell. You ever been in an abandoned stairwell by yourself and you encounter strangers coming the other way? There’s always that moment where you meet eyes, you’re like: “If you don’t rape me, I won’t rape you.” “What are you doing–?” “What am I doing in–? Are we in an episode of Law & Order?” But we volunteer for these awkward situations. Sometimes we pay to participate. Like water parks. Those are fun, but there’s always that moment you’re like: “Is this a meeting of people I don’t wanna see in swimsuits?” ‘Cause there are people walking around water parks with that confidence that they shouldn’t have. And you almost admire it. You’re like, “You go… away from me.” You try and figure it out. You’re like: “Is it the fumes from the toxic chemicals combined with the children’s urine? What gives you that swagger that would make Beyoncé blush?” But you don’t wanna be judgmental. You’re like, “You know what? They’re there for their kids. I’m here for my kids and compared to them, I look like Magic Mike.” So, God bless them. My 3-year-old didn’t get me a birthday present this year. Yeah. And I’ve known him for a couple years. So, I’m not talking to him. Presents are interesting. I don’t really need or want anything. I mean, my life is pretty chaotic. I have five kids. You know? I have friends that love stuff. I have a friend who has a drawer of watches. I have another friend who has five cars. And whenever I’m with these people, I realize, I’m just simple. All I need is a nice bed and a private jet, you know? Now, I have the bed. All I need is the jet. And it could be a used jet. I’m not a snob, you know? I mean, I don’t want a prop plane. I’m not trash. Just a regular old private jet to take a regular old guy to a regular old private island away from his kids. You know? I’m just salt of the earth. I’m an everyman— That’s ridiculous. This year has flown by. I don’t wanna brag, but I’ve kept my New Year’s resolution. I’ve done it. I’ve had pasta every day this year. Thank you. I tell you. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t easy. – There were some nights when I was like, “Oh, my gosh. -30. I haven’t eaten pasta. I have to wake my wife up and have her make me some.” You know? But I do it ’cause it’s about personal accountability. By the way, if you believe I would wake my wife up, you’re drunk. All right? ‘Cause I’m afraid of her, all right? But I like being married to a strong woman. I do. I’m sure there are men in the audience looking at their wives: “Honey, do you want me to clap or, you know, do you like what he’s saying? ‘Cause I’m on your side. I just don’t wanna talk about it later on.” I do like being married to a strong, decisive woman. But you know what? I’m in charge of the remote control. That’s where I draw the line, all right? I’m in charge of the remote ’cause I’m the man. I mean, she picks all the shows we watch, but I get to hold the remote. ‘Cause that’s the kind of puppet dictator that I am. Being in charge of the remote control is a no-win situation anyway. The person you’re watching with is never satisfied. They’re like, “Turn it up. I can’t hear it.” Then you turn it up and the commercial comes on. “Turn it down. What’s wrong with your hearing?” I’m always in trouble when we watch television. “Stop crinkling that bag.” Once I got in trouble for sneezing. “Why would you do that?” “I think it’s involuntary.” “Well, now I didn’t hear what that guy said.” “All right. I’ll rewind it. Oh, now it’s starting the whole episode over. Here, you should be in charge of the remote. I’m gonna go back to hiding in the bathroom. ‘Cause I’m a man!” I do love her. She can be demanding. Like, unrealistic demands. Like, she wants me to lose weight. I have no expectation of losing weight. Some of it is, I used to have all these jokes on doughnuts, and now sometimes when I do shows out of town, people will give me boxes of doughnuts, which makes me think I gotta start doing jokes about private jets. I do a show and someone will give me a box of doughnuts, or I’ll get to my hotel room and in my hotel room there’s a box of doughnuts. And I always look at the doughnuts like, I’m not not gonna eat those. I mean, those were a gift. What would Jesus do? He’d eat the doughnuts. But it’s always a box, a dozen. A dozen doughnuts. I’m by myself. I’m typically in the city for one night. What kind of monster pig do I come across as? “How many doughnuts should we get him?” “Enough for a Baptist church. Whatever would feed an entire Little League team, that will cover that tub of turds for a couple hours.” I don’t know what to do with all the doughnuts. You know, I’ll eat two. All right, I’ll eat four. But I don’t know what to do with the rest of them. What do I, put them in my rolly luggage? I did that once. I’m not proud of it. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. You’re like, “This is kind of pathetic, but here goes.  Zip, zip, zip. Off to the airport we go.” Of course, that was the time I got the random search at the airport. I made it through the metal detector. This nice TSA guy was like, “Sorry, sir. Random search of your bag.” And I was like– What I wanted to say is, “I have drugs in my butt.” ‘Cause a cavity search at that moment seemed less humiliating… than revealing the true contents of my luggage. But I had to do it. So, the TSA guy unzipped the bag. And it was one of those flat boxes of doughnuts. You know, like Krispy Kreme. So, it took up the entire rolly bag. It looked like I was smuggling doughnuts. And the TSA guy just looked at me like, “Wow.” “They sell those here. There was a Dunkin’ Donuts two gates away.” There was such compassion in his eyes. “You got a problem.” And I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t be like, “Those aren’t mine. Some guy gave them to me. Some guy named Al. Al Qaeda. He gave them to me.” I had to act all casual. “Those are my doughnuts. I travel with doughnuts. I’m trying to get diabetes. Why don’t you leave me alone?” And since it was a random search, the actual box of doughnuts had to be opened. And because I was wheeling through the airport, all the doughnuts were crammed and smushed to one end. It looked like I had rummaged through a Dumpster outside of a doughnut shop. “Oh, this one’s still good. Just get these rocks and sticks off here. That’s a perfectly good powdered sugar– No, actually, Ajax’s on that one.” The TSA guy just looked at me like, “You can go. It’s probably your last flight anyway.” I travel a lot. I’m constantly going through security. Always behind that person that’s never left their house before. They always wanna ask me questions like, “Can I bring soup on the plane? It’s homemade soup.” I’m like, “You should ask them.” “For an ID, can I use a fishing license?” “You should–” “Should I take off my shoes and my pants?” “Yes, you should.” Airport security is annoying. It’s nothing compared to international travel, like going through customs and immigration. That’s so intense. They’re dressed like SWAT team members. I always get so nervous. I’m like, “Do I have heroin on me? I don’t even know what heroin looks like. But I might have accidentally packed some.” There’s that mini interview with the customs agent. “What do you plan to do in our country?” “Murder people. You got me, I wasn’t ready for your trick questions.” I always feel like an idiot when I travel internationally. Some of it is, I don’t know the metric system. It’s not like I wasn’t exposed to it. When I was growing up, they’re like, “Learn the metric system. Everyone learn the metric system. Big switch coming up.” Then ten years later, they’re like, “Never mind. It’s too hard. It’s based on tens. Let’s go buy an SUV.” So, now I can’t ask a distance when I visit another country. I’m like, “How far is that?” They’re like, “That’s 500 kilometers.” “I’m not in the Olympics. This isn’t a James Bond film. What’s it in normal speak?” I don’t speak any other languages. I have friends that speak Spanish and French and Portuguese. I don’t care. I speak English, the language Jesus spoke. At least he did in the movie I watched. I always love doing that joke. There’s always a couple faces in the audience like, “Don’t say that.” ‘Cause you travel internationally. You realize some people don’t like Americans. I mean, the Canadians like us and the Israelis like us. The Australians like Americans so much, it makes you question their judgment. You should read some of our history. But I get a kick out of what Europeans don’t like about Americans. They’re always like, “You Americans are dumb. You know nothing about Europe.” It’s not that we’re dumb. We’re just not that interested. Sorry I don’t wanna learn more about your windmill country. “He’s gonna get a wooden shoe in his ass.” First time I did that joke, the whole front row was Dutch people. And they didn’t care. They did– I don’t know. They have no emotion. It doesn’t matter. “He’s the most anti-Dutch comedian ever.” Obviously, I love traveling internationally. The only negative, too many foreigners. Right? The weird thing is, you travel around the world and you realize pretty quickly, people are the same wherever you go. Wherever you go, there are good people and there are Russians. See, the reason that’s funny is ’cause we were all raised with this bigotry towards Russians. I have a friend. He was born in Russia. He moved here when he was 3 and I still think he might be a spy. We don’t know. Best is when you’re visiting a country and someone thinks you’re a native. I was waiting for a cab in Stockholm and this Swedish lady turned to me and she was like, “Björn Borg. Björn Borg.” That’s not what she said. That’s what I heard. But I knew in that moment that once this lady found out I was American, she was gonna be disappointed. So, I just decided that I was not gonna speak any language she spoke. She was like, “Björn Borg. Björn Borg.” And I was like: She was like– And I was like– She was like, “Do you speak English?” I was like: That woman is now my wife. “It’s just like The Notebook.” “What?” Still there. I wouldn’t mind being in shape. You know who was in really good shape was Jesus. Nothing like the topic of Jesus to take the air right out of the show. That’s what he would have wanted. “When you bring up my name, I want people to be really uncomfortable.” It’s not just the Christians. Everyone’s like, “Too soon.” “It was only 2000 years ago. Let it breathe, buddy.” But Jesus was in amazing shape, which is especially impressive, considering he could multiply bread whenever he wanted. “Boom, pretzel bread.” The Bible doesn’t specify what type of bread he multiplied. I imagine it was pretzel bread. “Boom, pretzel bread. Boom, garlic knots.” That’s why he had all those followers. “Come on, maybe he’ll make some focaccia bread.” This is how people walked in biblical times. They were really into that Beyoncé “Formation” video. Alaba– “How many Beyoncé references is he gonna have?” But who knows? Maybe Jesus could multiply the bread, but he had no control over what type of bread it was. He was like, “You want some bread? Boom, pumpernickel. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. Still free bread, everyone. Let me try this again. Boom, melba toast. That’s never happened before. That’s the big guy playing a trick on moi.” Of course, Jesus was multiplying the bread to illustrate a point. He was like, “I can give you bread that can feed you, but I can also give you bread that can feed your soul.” But you know everyone was like, “Yeah. I’ll just take the food bread. I prefer the food bread to the soul food bread… unless that’s what you call corn bread… ’cause I love–” “Can you make pizza? I love pizza.” I realize religion jokes make some people uncomfortable, especially the ones that are going to hell. “Don’t you dare. Get back to your regular food jokes.” This is the point in the show where I usually think about what I’m gonna eat afterwards. I typically get a steak ’cause I’m a man. And I tell you, if eating steak is manly, it is the only manly attribute I have. I know nothing about cars. I’m not handy. I can’t fix things. Something breaks in our apartment, I just look at my wife like: “We should call someone.” I don’t even call. My wife calls. Some stranger comes over, I just kind of watch him work. I’m like: “You want some brownies or something? My wife could make us some brownies. I don’t know how to work the stove.” Sometimes I try and act like I have something more important to do. I’m like, “Yeah. I’m gonna be over here working on my diarrhea jokes… in case you wanna talk sports or steak or something.” I don’t know why steak is considered manly. I guess it hearkens back to when a man would hunt the animal. They kill the animal and then they eat the animal. But now we just eat the animal. And it’s not as if hunting a cow was ever that hard. “Today, fellas, we are gonna hunt ourselves the elusive cow. Oh, there’s one right here. All right. How do you get the milk shakes out of that thing?” But I do love steak. I order steaks from Omaha Steaks. Do you buy your meat online? That’s not a sign of a problem. Just type it in. A Styrofoam cooler shows up. The same kind of cooler they’re gonna deliver my replacement heart in. There’s always a neighbor walking by when I get a delivery, like: “Jim got another box of meat. I imagine that apartment will be free in a little bit.” Whenever I eat steak at home, I always use A.1. Steak Sauce. Everyone has that same thin bottle of A.1. that feels empty right before it floods your steak. Everyone’s had the same bottle of A.1. since 1989. I was looking at the ingredients, “Magic. Magic and prunes.” But I love steak. I love going to a steakhouse, one of those old-fashioned steakhouses. You go in there, it’s dimly lit. The waiters are no-nonsense. “You’re getting a steak, son. You want a steak, right?” “Yes, ma’am. I want a steak.” Have you been to one of those steakhouses where they show you the raw cuts of meat? They just kind of thrust them at the table. “You can get this one or this one.” And men, we’re so visual. “Throw it. Throw it in my mouth area. Me likey meaty.” They show you a vegetable like you’ve never seen one. “This is a potato.” “That’s a potato.” But vegetables in the steakhouse, they don’t come with the steak. They’re à la carte, like leg room on Southwest. They’re not even called vegetables. They’re called side dishes. ‘Cause what they do to vegetables in steakhouses, they’re no longer vegetables. “You can get our spinach that we cooked in ice cream. There’s also our house specialty, which is a baked potato stuffed with 20 sticks of butter. If you’re on a diet, we can do it with 19 sticks.” But I love steak. When I die, I wanna be buried in a steakhouse. Well, not buried. Just my casket on display. People in steakhouses, they wouldn’t even care. “What’s the deal with the casket?” “That was a comedian, his one wish–” “Yeah, I’ll have a rib eye.” “Coming right up, Mrs. Gaffigan.” I do love steak, but it is rather barbaric. Right? I mean, we’re eating a part of a cow and I love animals. And I love animal lovers. My favorite are the people that carry around the dog in a bag. Whenever I see that, I always think, “What an adorable way to let us know you’re crazy.” ‘Cause they’re crazy. They’re carrying around an animal that can walk in a bag. They’re not going to the vet. They’re shopping. That’s okay. But if I carry around a canned ham, I’m a weirdo? It would be one thing if the dog looked happy, but the dog always has a look on his face: “Can you believe I’m sitting in a purse? I was part of Mexican royalty.” But I get it. I love dogs. And I think it’s cute when people dress their dogs up. But how do you have your dog in a jacket and walk by a homeless person? “Sorry. I’d help, but I spent all my money on a coat for my animal that’s born with a coat.” I love cats. Some people don’t like cats. Our neighbor has a cat and she lives in a studio apartment, or as I refer to it, a litter box. One time she asked me, she was like, “Can you tell I have a cat?” I was like, “No, but I can tell you have a box of turds in your apartment. I’m not sure if that’s the same question.” We all have the friend with the cat, right? In a small place. You visit them, the cat does their business. You don’t really acknowledge it. You go on with the conversation. “What do you want on your pizza?” “Bleach. Febreze. Can we open a window or knock down a wall?” “Are my eyes bleeding? How about we throw a diaper on the kitty?” But I get it, ’cause I love animals. I think being around animals, there’s a healing quality. But I also think we give animals too much credit. Like, a dog is man’s best friend? I’ve never seen a dog help someone move. Yes, horses are graceful and elegant until you see them poop standing up. Dolphins are smart. Learn English like Jesus did. For the record, I would never eat a dolphin ’cause I don’t like fish. And I know I’ll get tweets where people will say, “Dolphins are mammals.” And those are the people I block. ‘Cause that’s how I deal with criticism. I wish I liked fish. I wish I was the person in the restaurant: “You know, I don’t go out to dinner that often, but instead of getting a delicious steak, I’ll get the fish ’cause I like disgusting food.” ‘Cause fish is disgusting. How bored are you with eating if you’re ordering the fish? You know, “Just bring me something gross. I like to waste money.” Who’s the first person to walk into a harbor and go: “Hey, whatever reeks in here, let’s eat that.” Fish don’t even like fish. That’s why they’re always frowning. They’re like: “Mmm. What’s that smell? Oh, it’s me. I’m a fish.” What’s the best compliment you can give fish? It’s to say that it’s not fishy. Isn’t fish supposed to be fishy? “Get the hamburger. It’s not burger-y.” Fishy is an indication something’s wrong. “Something fishy going on here?” “No, everything’s burger-y.” I’m Catholic. Every Friday during Lent, we eat fish, which is supposed to symbolize the suffering of Jesus on the cross. What? Which means at one point, someone was like: “How should we honor the sacrifice of Jesus?” The other guy is like, “We could fast. We could starve ourselves.” “No, that’s too easy. What if we ate fish?” The other guy was like, “I’d rather be crucified.” It’s a true story. It’s in the Bible. Fish? Some cultures, they eat fish for breakfast. “Good morning. Here’s some fish. It matches your breath.” I’m not even hungry in the morning. Granted, ’cause I ate a couple hours earlier. But fish? I was in Iceland. Went down to breakfast. At the beginning of the buffet, there was a bottle of fish oil and 12 shot glasses. They’re drinking fish for breakfast. I don’t know when you’re supposed to drink fish, but maybe not when you wake up. “Do you want the orange juice, the grapefruit juice or the fish juice?” The best news that ever happened to grapefruit juice. “Finally, I’m not the worst thing on the planet.” Fish. I was in Israel. Israel. Went down to breakfast. The entire breakfast buffet in Israel was fish, different types of disgusting fish. I know it’s always comforting when a pale, blond guy is criticizing Israel. “This is gonna go well. Grab your iPhone.” It’s this look. It’s not easy looking like Hitler’s wet dream, all right? This is not a good look. This is not the look you want for the tour of the Holocaust Museum. I’ve been to the Holocaust Museum in D.C. I think everyone should go. I just suggest you don’t look like me. I was walking around. People were like, “He did it. That’s the guy from the photo. He’s not in Argentina. He’s right here. Get him!” Actually, I’m too pale for Hitler. Right? Hitler would have been like, “I said Aryan, not snowman. I mean, meet me halfway, people.” By the way, that’s how Hitler sounded. I’m a very pale white guy. I have yet to be the victim of any type of discrimination. I’ve been the victim of someone assuming I’d enjoy a racist joke. Have you ever had that? You’re like, “Why would you think I’d wanna hear that?” “He looks like he’d enjoy a little hatred. Maybe this bigotry will brighten his day. If anyone would have a problem with pigmentation it’d be the pale fella.” I know what I look like. I’m not saying I don’t forget. You ever forget what you look like and then you walk in front of a mirror and you’re like, “Oh, no. When did that happen?” ‘Cause during the day you’re like, “I’m Brad Pitt. I’m John Goodman?” “What’s wrong with John Goodman?” But it’s not that bad. It’s easier to be a guy anyway. I mean, there’s sexism. But just the day-to-day life of being a woman. Honestly, it looks too hard. Just hair, what some women have to deal with, cut and color and goos and potions. What do most guys have to deal with with their hair? Not having a mullet. That’s all a guy has to do is not have a mullet. A-plus. And there are still some guys that can’t pull that off. “They’re not talking about my mullet?” “No, you’ve got a good mullet.” It’s easier to be a guy. Makeup. Some women wear makeup. Most guys don’t change their pants ’cause their belt’s in there. “Are these jeans dirty?” “Is there a belt in there? Ask me in 2019.” And I’m not saying women are doing any of these things to please or impress a man, but some of it’s self-inflicted, like the eyebrow thing. I mean, that’s on you, ladies. There’s not a person on this planet that’s going: “I’m looking for someone who’s removed 90 percent of their eyebrow hair.” I don’t even know what some of these ladies are going for. It’s like, “I wanna look constantly surprised… like I’m about to eat a baby.” But it’s a man’s world. I don’t have a joke for that. I just wanna remind the ladies. I’m kidding. The weird thing is, if you have little kids, if you have little boys and little girls, you would never think it would ever be a man’s world ’cause if you put a 3-year-old boy next to a 3-year-old girl and you had to pick who was gonna be in charge in the future, you wouldn’t be like, “The boy, the one chewing on the table.” ‘Cause little boys are savages. I have three little boys. Each of them has head-butted me for no reason at all. “Well, we are in church. Okay.” It’s different. When you have a daughter, you have thoughts like: “Maybe I should save for med school.” When you have a son, you’re like, “There’s gonna be a few rounds of rehab. That’s okay.” I have three boys, two girls. I have enough kids, where even Mormons are like, “You should settle down.” I travel with my kids. My two youngest are 3- and 5-year-old boys. And traveling with boys that age is like transferring serial killers between prisons. We’ve seen the movie. You know it doesn’t work out. My 3-year-old, I love him, but he’s eternally in a bad mood. He always has a look on his face like he’s gonna shiv you with a crayon. Or he’s pooping. And sometimes it’s both. And our 5-year-old, he’s an escape artist. He’s the El Chapo of children. You just put him down and he runs. And then I have to pay my 12-year-old to go get him. Sometimes she can’t find him and I’m forced to stand up… and look for my own child. Sometimes I can’t find him. I mean, you always find the kid. The joke doesn’t end with, “Now I got four kids,” you know? You find the kid. They’re with a security guard. They’re always with a security guard. That’s an awkward approach ’cause I’m with my four other kids. I look like a moving diorama for birth control. Doesn’t help that I’m usually eating something. It’s hard to seem concerned about your child’s whereabouts holding a corn dog. “Oh, there he is. Now, where’s mustard?” But that’s parenting. It’s stressful. Parenting is a sacrifice. It’s exhausting. It’s expensive. At times it feels thankless. But eventually you die. My wife hates that joke. My wife hates that joke. And in full disclosure, she does 90 percent of the work. And the 10 percent I do feels like too much. I’m getting ripped off. Ten percent of five kids. That means I’m in charge of one kid for like half a day. I’m like a single mom. That’s a joke where the audience thinks, “Maybe Jim is a dick.” My wife is amazing. Even in the most stressful moments, I will catch her looking at me with an expression that could only be described as regret. But she’s Catholic, so there’s no quitting the team. Thank you, Jesus. I’m aware my wife is out of my league. She’s very thin and attractive. I look like I had two wives and I ate one of them. She’s amazing. She’s my writing partner. We do everything together. She’s brilliant. She’s “creative… and tal…” I can’t read her handwriting. No. We’re totally equals. I mean, when we rent a car, I won’t let her drive. And that’s not sexism. I just don’t wanna die. She can drive my kids around. I don’t care about that. But if I’m in the car, uh-uh. She’s amazing. Probably the most impressive thing my wife can do is her ability to remember absolutely every horrible thing I’ve ever done. She’ll bring it up. We’ll be watching TV. She’ll be like: “Remember that time you humiliated me when we went out to dinner?” “Now I do. Must have blocked it out searching for self-esteem.” I don’t wanna misrepresent her. She’s very forgiving. It’s just the forgetting part. But we all aspire to be forgiving. Pope John Paul II forgave the guy who tried to assassinate him. I mean, granted he was the pope. He couldn’t be like, “Let’s torture this bastard.” He kind of had to forgive him. But Pope John Paul II went to the guy’s jail cell and forgave him. But then he left. It’s not like then he had to live with the guy. Like, if the pope lived with the guy, we would have seen how long that forgiveness would have lasted. “Pope, your turn to do the dishes.” “Didn’t you shoot me? I think it’s always your turn to do the dishes. Bless you, my son.” Pope, that’s a tough job. Anyone pope here? No? Pope’s a tough job. You know it’s tough ’cause the last one quit. He’s like, “I’m done. I’m out of here.” Everyone at the Vatican was like, “You’re supposed to speak for God until you die,” and the pope was like, “Uh… God told me to quit. And to eat more cheese.” Our new pope, Pope Francis, calls people on the phone. I don’t know why you’d ever believe it’s the pope. “Hello?” “It’s the pope.” “Oh, can you hold on? I have Spider-Man on the other line.” My wife loves talking on the phone and I would rather be hit by a car. I’m not saying a big car, but a Mini Cooper. I’d take that over a 20-minute conversation. She’s always like, “It seems like you’re trying to get off the phone.” “I am. I love you. I just can’t hold my arm up for this long.” I can’t believe any of us talk on the phone. There’s e-mail and text. Sometimes my phone rings, I look at it and I think: “This person better be calling to tell me their hands are chopped off.” “I just wanted to hear your voice, Daddy.” “Buy my album.” That is all for me. Thank you so much.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

AMY SCHUMER: THE LEATHER SPECIAL (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-leather-special-2017-full-transcript/

[announcer] Ladies and gentleman, and all you other motherfuckers, get up off your ass for the baddest bitch: Amy Schumer! -[music playing] -[cheers and applause] Yeah! What the fuck is up, Denver?! [cheers and applause] Thank you so much for coming out. Oh, my God. This is such a big deal for me. I don’t know if you guys know this, but this past year, I’ve gotten very rich, famous and humble. [audience laughing] Thank you. Thank you. And maybe you caught this. I don’t know who saw this. I tweeted out a photo of myself wearing just underwear. Nothing but underwear. [cheering] Thank you, just the women. What the fuck? No! It’s too late, sir. This could have been crumpled on your floor in the morning, but no. I like the idea of this being crumpled on someone’s floor. Having to put this back on in the morning. Just, like… [grunting] And you’re like, “Call me.” And then– Imagine doing a walk of shame in this shit. You’re like, “Hi. Taxi.” They’re like, “Hmm. That’s an actual trash bag. It looks like a Glad bag.” I feel like every comedian needs a leather special. Right? Every comic has some special where they wear all leather, and they regret it later. It’s my fucking moment! Leather Special! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Already regret it. Already regret it. Very overheated. Very overheated. So, I tweet out this photo of myself. I’m holding coffee. I’m topless in just underwear, and it goes viral. It was everywhere, every news show, every website, and that’s when I learned the word you don’t want people to use when a nude photo of you goes viral. “Brave.” Um… Can you imagine? You take your clothes off in front of someone for the first time, and they’re just like, “Damn! You look mad brave right now. Whoo-ee! Shorty looks empowered!” Like, no! As if I’m standing there, like, “I am brave!” No, just fuck me. I am blacking out tonight. I am blacking out tonight. Anybody? [cheers and applause] Who loves you? [speaks in childish gibberish] If you’re a real winner, then you’ll– Has anyone ever blacked out and been awake when they’ve come out of it? -[woman] Yes! -Thank you! Thank you, sister! It’s cool ’cause it’s like you’re a time traveler. You’re just, like, back in your body, like… “What are people wearing now?” And you just kind of keep moving. I, one time, in college– thank you– I came out of a blackout, and there was a stranger going down on me. So, I was like, “Okay.” I decided to tap him gently. So as not to startle him, you know? “Sir!” So– ‘Cause I’m laying there, and I’m like, “What do I know about this guy at this point, right? I know that he has brown hair. And I know that he is a hero.” He’s brave, okay? He’s brave, and I’m gonna tell you why he’s brave, and this does not leave this theater. And this does not leave your home. Here’s why he’s brave. On my pussy’s best day… It’s not every day. It’s almost no day. But, you know, you wake up, you’re having a good puss day. And maybe you know you’re gonna have a visitor, so in the shower, you get very real in there, you know. You pull things back you don’t usually. You kind of Minority Report your own pussy. [grunting] You get in. It’s like Stranger Things. You just kind of get in. “Gotta find Barb, guys. She’s in there.” If you have access to a detachable showerhead, guess what? I just want you guys to think that that’s how big my pussy is. Just like… hmm. It’s really like… hmm? After all of that… on its already best day… [groans] my pussy smells… like a small barnyard animal, okay? Small. Small. I didn’t, like– not like a big, fucked-up llama, like, chewing and spitting and reeking. No! Little. Like a goat. You just– You buy the food pellets, you know, and you feed it, and it’s like… And you’re like, “Aah! he ate it.” You don’t go like, “Eww!” You go, “I want to get to a sink. Kind of soon. Kind of soon would be good.” [chuckles] ‘Cause it does smell. That’s on its best day. On its worst day… after a blackout… ISIS. It’s fucked up, guys. It’s bad. And you know what? That’s fine. That is the nature of a pussy. Right? We’re so worried and ashamed. Our moms never sat us down and said, “Okay, honey, one day, you’re sometimes gonna have homeless pussy. Lights out.” Like, no. They don’t tell you. And that’s just the fucking nature of it. And it’s like, we’re so embarrassed. I know some girls who won’t let anybody go down on them. They’re just like, “No, I don’t know what’s going on down there.” I’m like, “What?” Like, I will forward your mail. Go. Head on down. Head on down to Puss Town. And– And if that’s not your thing, fine, you know? If I ever started dating a guy, and he was like, “You know what, it’s not my thing,” I’d be like, “That’s fine.” And then I would invite him to go hiking at Red Rocks, and I would push him off a fucking mountain. Just… [imitates thud] [imitates thuds] Right? And then they come up, and they go to kiss you, and you go… “Oh! No. Mm-mm. [groaning] Mm-mm. I don’t want to.” Yeah, right. Me, I’m like… [groans] I love that shit, that’s sexy. That’s hot. I’m like, “Mmm. Soup.” I… Don’t even. I see some of the girls, just a couple, you guys are close. They’re like, “No…” [muttering] Yes. I wish we were raised more like men. Right? Just, like, here’s an example of how we’re different. We’re so worried about our pussies, right? Have you ever had a guy come in your mouth and go… [inhales] “Does it taste okay? [whimpering] I haven’t been drinking a lot of water, and I was a little worried.” [nervous muttering] No! That would never happen. Because, men, you weren’t raised to hate yourselves. You were raised, and your parents, they’re just like, “Everything you do is a miracle.” And you’re like, “Yeah, everything I do is a miracle!” And don’t get me wrong, you guys. We love your come. Only complaint: We want more of it. More, more, more. We want to do snow angels in it. Yay! Yay! Mmm. Is there anything bad about come? I can’t think of anything. Oh, wait, I just thought of something. If you got even a drop of it in your mouth, the rest of the day, you’re going… [grunting and exhaling] “I’m fine. [retching] I’m fine. I’m fine. [retches] Keep the meeting going.” [grunts] [gargling] That is awful. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself… on the big screens, doing shows. First of all, I’m like, “Who’s that dude?” Like, I seriously– I have good self-esteem, I do. But I’ll catch a glimpse of myself on the screen sometimes, and I’m like, “I shouldn’t be here. I should be on a mound, going, like…” You know? [deep voice] “Good job, ladies. One more, ladies.” Let me be real, because I was doing an interview. It was me and Bill Hader, and the interviewer was asking him hard-hitting questions like, “What are your favorite German beers?” And then he was asking me softballs like, “What’s it like to fuck you?” And Bill was upset. He was like, “You don’t have to answer that, Amy.” And I was like, “He’s gonna find out anyway, Bill! Shut up, Bill.” But I told him, and I will tell you guys exactly what it’s like to fuck me. Have you ever seen somebody standing on a box, painted all silver, in a town square? And you don’t know if they’re alive or not. But every once in a while, just, “Boop!” You’re like, “Oh, it’s a person!” That’s what it’s like to fuck me. That’s it. Like a street performer mime in a town square. Except no one’s ever given me a dollar. I don’t do shit. I lay there. I either lay on my back, like that, or if I want to blow his fucking mind, sometimes I lie on my stomach, just like this. Comes right away. Men deserve more credit. They do, when it comes to sex. We don’t have to do anything. You guys, men, you have to work so hard to fuck us. You have to get hard, you have to stay hard, and you have to go like this. [grunting] I feel like it would be funny to do that longer, but it hurts. I can’t believe you guys do that. That sucks for you. My boyfriend usually comes in me. He usually comes in me, but sometimes you want to mix it up. You gotta have fun. We’ll be having sex, and then he’ll ask my favorite question: “Where should I come?” First of all, I’m like, “Thank you for thinking of me. [chuckles] Like… How did I even come up in your thoughts?” And… “Where should I come?” As a comic, I want to fuck around and be like, “In this jar!” I’m just, like… “Where should I come?” [belches] What do you think? What do you think? There’s three answers, right? If you’re lying on your back, what are the three places? -[man] Tits! -[second man] Face. -[woman] Butt! -Yes. She goes, “Your butt.” What? I’m laying here. I just went over. I’m not on the fucking Broncos or whatever. I’m not in practice… [grunting] “Your butt.” You’re so cute. No! He goes, “Your head.” What are you talking about? Just… [imitates splat] “I’m the prettiest girl in Colorado.” “Your head.” -No. -[woman] Tits! Yes. Your tits. Great answer. Your tits. And you have to say it like your psyched about it. “Where should I come?” You have to go, “My titties!” And– And he goes, “Are you sure?” And you go… “Uh-huh! Mm-hmm. I love it. I love it.” I hate not having come on my tits. I just– Walking around all day, I’m at the bank, “Zero come on my tits. Ohh.” My titties. I also love the question because of the confidence of it, right? “Where should I come?” I don’t know about you guys. I’ve never dated anyone with American Sniper type accuracy. Where I could be like, “Right here. Hit the moving target.” I’m like, “Okay, Katniss… Um…” Now, most of the time– tell me if this is true for you guys– he’s like, “All right, are you ready? Are those titties ready?” And you’re like, “Mm-hmm.” He’s like, “Here it comes.” [imitates dribbling sound] Right on the hand. Just a dribble, just– A second ago, you were the most powerful man alive. Now you’re just the last boy at a carnival with a melting ice cream cone. And, God, we don’t care. I’ve never been, like… [whining voice] “Well, you said you’d come on my titties.” We don’t. No girl cares. But then there’s that move where in a moment of desperation, the guy will be like… And they try to finger paint. You’re like, “No, no, no! It didn’t happen for you. We’re closed.” Sometimes it happens. For three seconds, that means you go… “Yay!” And then you just kind of look at each other, like… And if you’re with a really sweet guy, he’ll go, “Babe, do you want me to go get you a…” [snoring] You’re like, “No, I got it. You catch some much deserved shut-eye.” And then that’s when we make the shelf. Right, girls? That’s what you do. You don’t want it to just fucking– You don’t want to– So you block it and you walk it. Mm-hmm. It’s the saddest shelf in the world. And I’ve been to the Anne Frank House. I’m a German Jew. There used to be more of us. So… what happened? Oh, my God. It’s weird to have a boyfriend. I’ve been on the road for so long. I really like having a boyfriend. I really love this guy. I met him on a dating app. Yeah. We met– When I signed up, they were like, “Congratulations. You have a free lifetime membership.” And I was like, “Well, that’s discouraging.” Like, “What the fuck?” When I met him, he was the first– He’s the only guy I met on there. I liked him right away. I really liked him. I was like, “I’m gonna make this guy wait.” And I did. Like, all through dinner. No, we didn’t go to dinner. I– I don’t know. I don’t have an adult manning the ship. There’s no one like, “Mnh-mnh-mnh. Not till date seven.” I’m just– If I want cake, I’m like, “We’re having cake today.” If I’m wet, I’m like, “Well, let’s get a dick in there.” Just… [humming] But I am a germophobe, and that’s why I told him, before we did anything sexually, “Look, just so you know, I know for a fact that I don’t have any diseases left. They all burned out.” I was like, “What about you?” And he was like, “I’ve never been tested.” And I was like, “Oh, mysterious. Is David Blaine in the house?” We went to Paris. I’d never been to France because I’m trash. And… we went, and we were excited. We’ve been together under a year, so… we’ve been trying to keep it pretty sexy, but we both got violent food poisoning. Like, violent. So, yeah. And we’re not the couple that’s like, “I’m gonna go take a deuce, babe.” You know, like… We’re trying to keep it, like– Under a year. We’re still lying. So– So, our last night, after all week, we’re like, “Eiffel Tower–” just the biggest dickheads– we both get violent food poisoning, and our hotel was one of the rooms where we had one bathroom, and it was the kind where, like, the bed was right there, then you’re in the bathroom, and if you went… [soft grunt] you would loudly hear it. So, it hits him first. And he’s in there, just… [retching] And then, the way it manifested itself in me… is– How do I say this and not be gross? I was in the bathroom just, like… [imitating machine gun] Machine-gun shitting out of my ass. Just… [imitating machine gun] Violent diarrhea. He… It’s over. I’m yelling at him. [imitating machine gun] I’m like, “It was so cool dating you. Good luck. You’re gonna meet the greatest girl. She’s out there for you.” [imitating machine gun] He’s fucking puking. He’s putting his head where I was. [imitating machine gun] And this is puke. And it’s– And then I thought I was just gonna be the one, the shit one, and he was the puke one, but I’m in there, and I’m– And then he hears me go, “Fuck!” And I grab the trash can, and I start… [retching] All my holes. Shit’s coming out all my holes. Then I realize there’s holes in the bottom of the trash can I’m puking in. All over my knees. So, I walk out of the bathroom, and I’m like… I’m like, “Are you gonna propose on this trip?” He’s like, “No, I am not.” Oh, God. If you know me, you know I’m on the NuvaRing for birth control. That’s my thing. It’s easy, I don’t have to remember to take a pill. Not that I ever have trouble doing that. But the NuvaRing, if you don’t know, is this little latex thing you put in the back of your puss. And then you take it out every three weeks and just bleed all over the furniture. Am I using it right? So… I don’t know why they won’t sponsor me. So, we’re, like– You can leave it in during sex. But I wanted to take it out, just, like, the thought of it. So, you got to get in there, it’s in the back. So, he’s right over me. I’m like, “Hold on a sec.” And so, I stick my finger, and I try to scoop it with my middle finger. And I shoot it up there, and that’s when I accidentally went knuckle-deep with my ring finger into my own asshole. I shrieked. I went… [screams] And he went, “What?” And I went, “I put my finger in my butt.” And he was like, “Can anybody do that?” I was like, “No! I’m not opening up a conversation about this.” The mystery is over. We made it through that. I don’t know why I’m on birth control anymore. You guys know that there’s now a male birth control pill. Do you know this? They’re still testing it, but I want him to go on it immediately. I just can’t imagine that era, though, of guys, like– Imagine you go home with a guy and you’re gonna have sex with him, and you get a condom out of your purse, and he just goes… “Oh. No. It’s cool. I’m on the pill.” “What? You’re on what?” His phone alarm goes off. He’s like, “Excuse me.” Pop. No. [sighs] God. Yeah, I’m all good. I’m so happy to be in this relationship. The only problem is I’m not the girl who’s like, “Yeah, like, ever since we’ve been together, I’ve just kind of chilled with drinking.” If anything, it’s skyrocketed. Like– Yeah, I still black out on the reg. I know it’s not cool. It sucks because, for years, I’ve been blacking out, and I’ll just be by myself, and I fart in a pillow, but now there’s a witness. I got a witness. It sucks. So, I blacked out the other night. You know how I do. Just a little wine, edibles. I’m like, “This is missing something. Xanax.” Very dangerous. Do not recommend. Okay? But I have a very sophisticated palate. So… I black out. And I just wake up in the morning. I don’t even look at him, but I can feel that he hates me. You know that feeling? It’s like, “What’s that in the air?” [inhales] It’s rage and it’s all directed at me, so… I was like, “I’m gonna play stupid.” I just roll over, and I’m just… “Mmm! Morning! [giggling] So, should we list all the things that we’re grateful for? I’m grateful for you.” [giggles] And he just stares at me. He’s just… “Well… okay.” I’m like, “Okay, what did I get into last night? Did I just, like, say my prayers and go to sleep?” [giggles] Ding! He’s like, “No.” Okay. “Did I give you a surprise blowjob?” I like the idea of, like, “Blowjob?” A girl who doesn’t know how to do the blowjob symbol. What? And he’s like, “Ame, any blowjob would be a huge surprise at this point.” And I don’t want you guys to think I’m not giving. I love going down on him. I think you’ve got to go down. Go down. I love it. I love him, I love doing it. But there are guys who you go down for 90 seconds, and they’re, like… [splat] And you’re like, “Still got it.” And then… There are guys like my boyfriend, where if I want to blow him to completion, it takes between ten and 12 years. And in my twenties, I’d roll up my sleeves, crack my– [imitates bones cracking] You know, I have a– All right. [singing practice notes] Red leather, yellow leather. I don’t even know that girl anymore. She is gone. That girl gone. I go down for a while, though. I went down on him very recently, and he yawned. [yawns] I’m like, “If there’s a God, he’ll put a dick right in your mouth now.” Gong! If I’m down there long enough that you’re yawning, guess what? ♪ I’m coming up ♪ [humming] Fuck you. I’m so fun to date. So, I’m like, “Okay, what did I do when I blacked out?” He goes, “Okay. What you did was you started pounding Ritz Crackers.” I’m like, “I’m sure I wasn’t pounding them.” He’s like, “You looked like a contestant on a reality show.” Okay. Then he said I started on the other sleeve. And this is an exact quote. He said that I was “using butter as if it were guacamole.” Just, “Mmm.” Just slack-jawed, dead-eyed butter-eating. Then he said that I tried to make two frozen pizzas at once, because I wanted to eat them like a hamburger. And he said that he was like, “Ame, what are you doing?” And I accused him of judging me. I was like, “You’re judging me!” Chasing him around the apartment. And then he said I got in bed, and I stacked all of the pillows, four pillows on my side, and I put my head right on top. And he went, “Amy, we each get two pillows.” And I went, “Not tonight, motherfucker!” [snoring] ♪ Isn’t she lovely ♪ Hey, thank you. Oh, God. Soon, it’ll be just us. Oh, my God. I really love his whole family. No bullshit. They’re from the Midwest. Yeah. The happiest people. The happiest people. I mean, in L.A., I feel like they pretend. Everyone’s like, “I’m doing great,” and you’re like, “Stay away from cliffs.” But in the Midwest, they’re just so psyched. And his mom is the happiest person I’ve ever met. Her name is Deb, and Deb is just the happiest person. She gets everything wrong. She’ll be like, “We took a U-ber here.” I’m like, “What?” She’s like, “I like that boy. What’s his name? Seeth Rogen?” I’m like, “That’s absolutely no one’s name.” Everywhere she walks, it looks like she was called out as a contestant on The Price Is Right. She’s just, “Whoo!” I lucked out, though. I promise you I love her. I’m not complaining. I feel like I really lucked out because a lot of the guys I’ve dated, their moms have had a vibe with them where they’re like, “Ohh. I wanted to fuck my son. [groaning] No, it’s fine. You kids have fun. I just always thought we’d wind up together. I don’t know.” And as the girl, you have to act like it’s not happening. Like, a stutter. You have to be, like… So, I know what you guys are thinking this part of the night. You’re like, “Amy, well, you’re really well-read.” Um… And I am. Look. “Wine.” And I don’t think I’m any better now. You guys, I hope you know. Like, I know I am trash from Long Island. I have a lower-back tattoo that is raised and crooked, and it doesn’t mean anything, and I have been fingered by a cab driver. At my request. Constantly reminded, anything good or fancy that happens, I get brought down to Earth right quick. Anything. Like, our TV show won a Peabody Award, which I didn’t even know what that was. Very high, very fancy. It’s for people in media making a difference. It’s a big deal. And the other people there were people like the Ebola fighters, and Malala, and our show, and… so, we go, and we’re like, “Okay. Thank you for including us.” And at the beginning of the awards, they showed a little clip of each person’s project. And you don’t know what they’re gonna choose. And so, first, they show a clip of the Ebola fighters in the suits, this documentary where they go in and they’re saving lives, the bravest people in the word. And then Malala. Like, Malala-ing, you know? And then… they show a clip of our show. We’re like, “What are they gonna choose? We’ve done so much for so many.” The clip they chose was me taking a giant bite out of a burger, going, “I’m gonna go make some room,” and walking to the toilet. It was Malala being fitted for a glass eye. And then me like, “I’m gonna take a violent dump. You guys good?” The July that Trainwreck came out, two girls named Mayci Breaux and Jillian Johnson were shot and killed at the movie theater when they went to see my movie. And the feeling of putting something out and being excited, and then finding out that these two beautiful, amazing, smart women who just wanted to have a good time, went and got murdered was crushing and… Yeah, and I just wanted to do something about it. I knew nothing about gun violence, and I found out that the guy who shot them was severely mentally ill and a domestic abuser. And I was like, “Well, okay. Why could he get a gun?” I wasn’t educated. But I found out that if you are severely mentally ill or have been convicted of domestic violence, there are loopholes where it’s not that hard to get a firearm. And I was like, “Well, I really want to help make it more difficult for people who are severely mentally ill or domestic abusers–” [cheers and applause] Thank you. I believe in the right to bear arms. Second Amendment, yes. I’ve been friends with gun owners. But what I learned was, no matter what you say, as soon as you say the word “gun,” what gun nuts hear is just, “You want to take all our guns! That shifty G wants our guns!” I’m like, “No, you seem great. You should get more guns.” Let’s get this guy more guns, right? “Our Amendment!” You’re like, “Okay, okay.” “The government wants my house!” I’m like, “You don’t have a house. You live in a trailer with no windows. What are you talking about?” And then I found out– and you guys probably already know this– that if you’re on the terrorist watch list– like, not just the no-fly list, but the straight-up terrorist watch list– you can easily get a gun. And so, that same guy is like, “Get out of our country, foreigner! But while you’re here, please, enjoy our firearms legally.” If you’re blind– If you’re blind as a fucking bat, you can walk into a gun store, hopefully. There’s more gun stores than Starbucks and McDonald’s combined in our country, so your chances are good. You walk in, and you go, “I want a gun!” And they go, “We’re over here.” Then you go, “Oh, okay.” “I’ll take it.” And they go, “That’s the phone.” You go, “Oh. Well…” Like, all about equal rights for the disabled, but if Stevie Wonder calls me and he’s like, “You want to go shooting today?” I’m gonna be like, “Hard pass.” The thing you look through to aim is called a “sight!” But you don’t need that. They get a gun. So I’m like, “Okay. I would love it– Can we just work on not giving guns to mentally ill terrorists who are blind and beat their wives?” “What?! What’s next? You want us to fuck animals?” I’m like, “I’ve been fucking animals my whole life, sir.” And you know what? I totally hear you guys. You’re like, “Schumer, you were talking about come all over your tits. Now we have to listen to this shit?” But what’s crazy is that you can catch a hot load all over your titties and still not want your loved ones to get shot in a theater. [cheers and applause] You know what? I don’t know if you guys noticed, but I am what Hollywood calls “very fat.” No, you guys know. You know me. I feel very good in my own skin. I feel strong. I feel healthy. [cheers and applause] I do. I feel sexy. Also, like, my dad has MS and is in a wheelchair. And it’s, like, I’m just so psyched I can fucking move. I’m just like, “Fuck you.” How are you gonna complain? [mutters] How do I get rid–” Shut the fuck up! You’re alive. You can move and we feel good. And, you know, I bought into it, because when I was doing my first movie, Trainwreck, before I did anything, somebody explained to me, they were like, “Just so you know, Amy, no pressure. But if you weigh over 140 pounds, it will hurt people’s eyes.” And I was like… [groans] I just bought it. I was like, “Okay, I’m new to town.” And so, I lost weight, and I think you should feel healthy and take care of yourself. But I don’t believe in, like, crash dieting or starving yourself. Like, get the fuck out of here. No. Let’s just, you know– It’s just not right. Yeah, so, thank God I look very stupid skinny. My dumb head stays the same size. But then my body shrivels, and I just look like a Thanksgiving parade float of Tonya Harding. I’m just like, “Hi!” Nobody likes it. It’s not cute on me. So, I, like, gained all this weight back. I just revenge-ate as soon as the movie was over. I was just, “I couldn’t have pizza. I couldn’t have–” Like, everything. And I got worried, because it gets in your head, just everything on television and movies and magazines and the Internet. All the women are just beautiful, like, little skeletons with tits, and you’re just, like– All day I’m looking at the Hadid sisters and, like, those Jenner things, and you’re just, like… And I got worried. I gained weight. I’m like, “Oh, my God. Are men gonna still be attracted to me?” And that’s when I remembered– I always forget this– it’s another reason I love men so much. Men, each day, have a thought that goes through their head where they’re, like… “I don’t know why, but I want to put my penis right in your butthole.” A couple times a day, someone walks by. “Huh.” You know, just… They’re like, “Look, it doesn’t make sense to me, either, but I know for a fact I want to take the most sensitive, intimate part of myself and just, like, ram it right where you poop. Just, like, ram it!” [grunting] They’re thinking that, and I’m over here like, “Oh, should I get highlights?” Like… He doesn’t care! He doesn’t care. “Honey, do you like my new nail color? It’s ballet slipper.” “I would fuck you if your head was a ballet slipper. I don’t care.” We work so hard, and they don’t fucking care. Isn’t that a relaxing thought? Like, not anal. But, like, men will fuck us, you know? If they fuck us, they will come. It’s a beautiful, easy sweatshirt that’s available on my– No, I’m just kidding. I am the shittiest famous person, okay? I’m a shitty famous person. Yes, I know. I always– I can’t believe it’s still going on. I say what I mean. I dress like garbage. Like, my sister and I… And I tried really hard. I’m like, “Okay, like, let’s do our best and tape it up and spackle it down and…” [groans] But after I leave here, I will look like a newly homeless person very quickly. Very quickly, trust me. My sister dresses the same, but they’ll still write about us as if we’re the Kardashians. They’ll be like, “The Schumer sisters stepped out today. Amy opted for performance fleece… and a pleather jacket from Forever 21.” And my favorite thing they ever wrote was, “And Kim chose to wear a bright red-and-gold beanie to add to her ensemble.” It was a Gryffindor hat. Like, look at this. It’s a fucking Gryffindor hat. The most disappointing people ever to be photographed. Look at this. It looks like we were moving, and we ran out of bags, so we’re like, “Let’s just wear it all. We’ll just wear it all. Never a bra. Never a problem.” Look at my sister’s shoe game. Can you check this out? Ballet flats from Payless. H&M zebra pants. What’s up? What’s up now, Internet? They photographed me once, and this was the headline: “Schumer buys pastry so she can work out.” Kind of mean, right? No, they hit the nail right on the fucking head. That’s what I do to work out. That’s what I do. Before I work out, I go buy a scone, and then I slowly walk around a reservoir, and I eat it. My workouts are like a woman in hospice. Just, like, nibbling on a baked good, looking at the trees and the birds. “Mmm.” I’m so disappointing to them as a famous person that they’ll try to make it sound sexier than it is. They’re like, “Schumer flaunting her legs in teeny-tiny shorts.” And you guys have eyes. You understand that that is not available to me. Like, there’s no separation between church and state up here, okay? This area does not– There’s no– It’s not happening. I didn’t even know what a thigh gap was. I was like, “Is that like the wage gap? Do we need to rally against this?” Since I’m ten years old, I can’t wear tiny shorts. If I take one step, all the material shoots up my pussy. I have to pull it out like a magician. A fucking dove. Just, like, “Fly!” I have to lather deodorant in my crotch, so I don’t chafe to the point of bleeding out. Right here is when my thighs stop touching for the first time. Together. Apart. Together. Apart. Together. Apart. The fucking teeny-tiny shorts. Fuck you! Fuck you. I got photographed paddleboarding, standup paddleboarding, which– Can we all just agree to stop pretending like that’s fun? What do we– Just what? “Would you like the sensation of being in a canoe, without the comfort of a seat or the safety of sides?” “No.” “Have you often wondered what it’s like to work on a gondola?” “I can’t say that I have. No.” The picture of me, I didn’t even recognize myself because, obviously, I don’t suck in anyway. It was just, like– I looked at it, and I was like, “Oh, my God, Alfred Hitchcock is alive… and loves water sports! Fuck, yeah,” you know? I was so psyched. Honestly, the only thing that gets me through the night, the only thing, is that I believe in my heart that Bradley Cooper wants to fuck me. Now, no one else believes me, especially not him. But I believe it. I believe it in my heart. Now, maybe you’re like, “Bradley Cooper doesn’t really do it for me.” Hmm. Shut the fuck up. Yes, he does. He’s the kind of hot where when you see him, you don’t even mean to, but your body just, like, pivots around. And you just, like, grab your toes. You’re just like, “Okay.” By the way, that’s as far down as I can go. That’s it. Look, we got a little more. But I’m kind of tilted. He’s the kind of hot where when he’s talking to you, all your holes get wet. You’re just like, “What? Why here?” Like… His eyes change color and shit, you guys. So, he’s talking to me at this event, and I don’t even think I’m registering as a sexual person to him, because I’m thinking of myself like I’m on a mound, you know? And… I’m just like, “Sick party, right, Coop?” Like, I’m not– I’m trying to help him get out of the conversation with me. I’m like, “Okay.” Because all these gorgeous girls are around, just foaming at the mouth, just like, “Oh, let me at that dick hole.” And… And I tried to get him out of it. I’m like, “All right. Have a good night.” And he’s like, “Wait, Amy. It’s really good to see you. Let’s hang out.” I’m like, “Okay… my new boyfriend.” Fully went there. And then… Then we talk a little more, and then 20 minutes go by, and I’m like, “Okay, I’m gonna grab my seat.” And he grabs my wrist. He goes, “Wait. It’s, like, really good to see you. Why don’t we, like, spend some time together?” [humming “Bridal Chorus”] I, like, put my napkin over my head. I was like, “I do!” I called my friends from high school on the way home. I’m like, “Take me out of your phone. I’m with Bradley now. I’m at a new level, and you’re not coming with me. You’re out!” And then the next night, I’m doing a show in Reno, Nevada, because you can have it all. And I’m watching the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. And they’re like, “And here’s Bradley Cooper.” And I’m like, “Hi, baby.” And they’re like, “And here is his girlfriend.” And I’m like, “But I’m his girlfriend.” It turns out I am not his girlfriend. He is dating an actual angel named Irina Shayk. She’s a supermodel. She doesn’t resemble a person at all. It looks like if a panther fucked a gazelle… and then, like, they fucked Gisele… and just shot out the hottest piece of ass you’ve ever seen. She doesn’t walk. She, like, slinks around. And she’s– The way she talks, she’s like, “I’m from nine hours by dogsled outside Moscow.” She can only see through the tops of her eyes. [moaning] She’s so fucking hot. You can just tell that she’s always wet, like, the way she moves. Like, once a boyfriend brought out lube, and she’s like, “I laugh at your lube, Bradley!” And I’m just watching this in fucking Reno. I’m like, “Bradley? Bradley, it’s me!” Like, I was thinking I was gonna be rolling around on a beach with him. And, I don’t know, is this me? Is that my ass? I know we have– Definitely, there’s a picture of me. Is this me? Or is this me? I can’t– Fuck! Which one is me? Is that me? Or is that me? I don’t know. And I was like, “You know what? Fuck her.” That bitch will never be brave. Thank you so much! I love you! [music playing] Oh, wait. Is that guy picketing my show? [indistinct chatter] I don’t know. I feel like he’s yelling at the people going to my show. And you know what? He’s right. He needs a better megaphone. [man] Ha ha. -Are you guys engaged? -Yes. Can I be in the picture? [man] Down here, gun control is when you hold it with two hands. Oh, that’s very funny, Gary. How about holding the steering wheel with two hands. How does that sound? [laughs] Here are the real stars of the show. Whoo! She runs out of lipstick because her lips are so luscious. I’m glad I’m not wearing a skirt because these people would fully see up my entire twat. Do people still say “twat”? [crowd cheering] [woman] So easy.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RICKY GERVAIS: OUT OF ENGLAND 2 (2010) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-england-2-2010-full-transcript/

Recorded before a live audience at the Chicago Theatre in Chicago (Music playing) (Cheering, applause) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage creator of “The Office” and “Extras,” writer, director, actor, producer, philanthropist, winner of three Golden Globes, two prime time Emmys and seven BAFTAs, all the way from England, Mr. Ricky Gervais! (Cheering) Hello. Hello. (music ends) Thank you. Hello, Chicago. How are you? Wow wow. (Cheering, applause) Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. I, um… Thank you. Thank you. That was an amazing welcome. I should explain something straightaway. Usually when I come out onstage, it’s amazing, okay? I’m doing cartwheels and backflips. It’s fucking spectacular, right? But I’ve hurt my back. That’s true actually. I’ve pulled a muscle in my spine playing golf. I know what you’re thinking… Serves me right for playing such a stupid game as golf. But no, I’ve been in agony. I’m actually on painkillers right now, so… No, it’s true. If I suddenly start talking like Paula Abdul, you’ll know why. I’m not drunk. So when the doctor… This is true. When the doctor gave me the painkillers, he said, “Now, you can’t drink alcohol with these.” And I went, “I don’t want them then.” And he went, “What?” I said, “Give me something you can drink alcohol with.” And he went, “Well, you’re not meant to drink with any painkillers.” “Who are you, my fucking mother? Just…” So I’ve been walking round like the elephant man for days, but without the big cock obviously. I assume he had a big elephant’s cock to match the head. That would make things all right then, wouldn’t it? That would sort of balance it out, because then he’d look in the mirror and he’d sort of go, (muttering) “Oh no. Oh look at that fucking head. Hold on, though. What’s going on down here?” Like, “Hey!” Swings it round about. “So let’s celebrate. The buns are on me.” So yeah, that’s my problems. I didn’t cancel though. Don’t you hate that, when a night is canceled? You turn up, it goes, “Concert canceled due to sore throat.” Aw. Or “I couldn’t go on. I was depressed.” Aw, poor little artist. Can you imagine the laborer trying that? Turning up and going, “I’ve got a little tickle and I’m fed up.” Aw, move the fucking bricks, mate. Never cancel. I had a gig in Dublin a couple of months ago, okay? – And as you know, Dublin is in Ireland… – (Applause) Which is off of… Yeah, it’s off the coast of Great Britain. It’s not part of Britain, but it’s very close. It’s sort of like our Cuba, I suppose. It’s like… Man: Ouch! (Laughs) And… and so… Okay, so Dublin, O2 arena, 10,000 seats sold out well in advance, flights booked, really looking forward to it. A few days before the gig, they start grounding the airplanes because there’s a volcanic ash cloud over Britain, okay? And if you fly through it, apparently, it would make the plane fall out of the sky. And it was like that was it. You couldn’t fly in that. I mean, a volcano goes off in Iceland and we can’t… What’s the point of Iceland, really? You know what I mean? What are they think… Just fill in all the volcanoes with concrete, okay? Just… In fact, tarmac the whole country and make it a car park for real Europe, because it’s a waste of fucking space, okay? And so I’m thinking, “Well, I’ve gotta get there. I can’t cancel.” And there were pop stars and people coming over from America, and they were canceling their flight because they couldn’t get in and out. I thought, “I can’t.” So I hired a helicopter to and from Dublin. It cost me £12,000, right. Just because I couldn’t bear to let anyone down or take the ferry. That was… They were still running, sure. But that would have meant mixing with the general public, and I don’t… This is about as close as I ever… you know. So… I don’t know if you were affected by the volcanic ash cloud, but I had friends that were stuck all over the world. And they missed weddings and funerals, and they had to put themselves up in a hotel for extra days they hadn’t budgeted for. And they couldn’t get their money back because the airlines were saying, “No, we can’t pay you because the insurance companies won’t pay us, because they’re saying it’s an act of God.” Well, what isn’t an act of God? Look, if you believe in God, that’s sort of a definition of him, isn’t it? That he does everything. Isn’t that right? Everything is an act of him. He’s all-powerful. He’s everywhere at once. He invented every… There was nothing before him. He invented time, everything. He’s across it all. He doesn’t miss a trick and he’s not absent-minded. A volcano going off isn’t like him going, “Fuck, I left the oven on.” You know, it’s… And who are these insurance companies that can decide what is and isn’t an act of God? How do they know? Have they got a hotline to God? They call him up, do they? Ring ring. Ring ring. “Yello?” “Uh, can I speak to God, please?” “Speaking.” “Oh, I didn’t think you’d answer the phone yourself.” “What do you want?” “Oh, um, that volcanic ash cloud… Was that you?” “Yeah yeah. Yes, that was an act of me, all right.” “So I shouldn’t pay out?” “No, don’t fucking pay ’em a penny, son, no.” “Brilliant brilliant. While I’ve got you here, did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter’s car?” “There’s a lot of Steve Baxters.” “Steve Baxter, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow. It happened at 2:15 on the 3rd of June this year.” “2:15, 3rd of… No, that wasn’t me. I was in Africa that day giving AIDS to babies.” He does everything. He does everything. Mm, I don’t make the rules. And well, I’m glad I didn’t cancel because it’s fantastic to be here seeing your happy smiley faces, probably feeling very fortunate that you managed to get a ticket to see a living legend. – Or am I… – (Cheering, applause) Shut up. I know, I know. You lucky fuckers. You really… I’m joking, of course. The pleasure is all mine. Thank you so much for coming out, spending your hard-earned cash. I know there’s been a recession on. Someone told me. I hadn’t really… Is it still… I don’t… It really didn’t affect me if I’m being honest. Oh dear. We can laugh about it now. No, come on. I don’t understand the recession. It wasn’t till last year I found out you could go into your bank and say, “Can I withdraw my cash?” And they could go, “No.” “What?” (Weaselly voice) “No, we ain’t got it.” “I’ve got £50,000 saved.” (Laughs) “You ain’t. You ain’t.” “Where is it?” “Lost it.” “Well, have you checked the vault?” “It’s empty.” “Well, what was the point of that? You might as well have kept it in a drawer, you spotty little twat.” I don’t… I hope you enjoy the show. Or you’ll let me know, won’t you? If I say something funny, you’ll laugh and I’ll go, “Oh, I’ll keep that in for the rest of the tour.” If I say something that isn’t funny, you won’t laugh and I’ll go, “I’ll lose that bit.” So some bits tonight will be exclusive to you. They… they will be the shit bits, granted. Okay, let’s start the show. Let’s get on with it. No one wants to be here all night. You can have too much of a good thing, can’t you? Like heroin. What? Though too much heroin is death, basically. That’s when you know you’ve had too… You go, “Fuck, I’m dead. I’m fucked.” That’s the thing though with heroin. Try anything once, kids, sure, but know this. No no. You think, “I’ll try a heroin. I’ll just try one. Give me… give me a heroin. Give me one heroin, okay?” Just have one. “What’s it like?” “It’s fuckin’ lovely. I want more. I can’t just have…” It’s like Pringles. It’s like once you pop, you can’t stop. That’s… I think that’s how it works. I’m not an expert. Believe it or not, I’ve never been a heroin addict. No round of applause for that? See? No. See? No round of applause for never having been a heroin addict. If I’d have come out here and go, “I used to be a heroin addict… I used to mug people and shit myself in doorways…” – ( Cheering, applause ) – Exactly. “Oh yeah! He… he hasn’t done those things for a while. He hasn’t done those things that we never did in the first place.” Why are you applauding someone for suddenly acting like a normal member of society? It’s like I’ve lost a bit of weight. I’ve lost about 20 lbs. Exactly! – ( Cheering, applause ) – What? No no. You’re basically applauding me for only eating as much as I need now. I should have… I should have always been doing that. I got fat because I was a greedy, lazy bastard. There’s no other explan… and I needed people to… They come up to me now and they go, “Oh, well done. You look great.” But they weren’t telling me I looked terrible. They’re basically saying I looked terrible, but no one told me at the time. It was really taboo. I needed waiters to come over and go, “Fuck off. You’ve had enough.” And I’ve been criticized in the past for having a go at fat people. I’ve never had a go at fat people. I’ve only ever pointed out the fact that you get fat if you take in more calories than you burn off.. That’s simple science. I don’t judge them in any other aspect of their life. But that’s what happens… You get fat if you take in more calories than you burn off. That’s indisputable, okay? Now the thing is people think I’m having a go. I’m not because I don’t judge them. If I see a fat person, I don’t make assumptions about them other than how they got fat. And, this is the other thing, they… No, wait wait. Not only is that what makes you fat… People know that’s what’s making them fat. No one got fat behind their own back. No one ate and then went, “What the fuck’s that?” It’s not a surprise. It’s a gradual process. You have loads of time to back out from this project at any… Also, no one’s sneaking into thin people’s apartments and then injecting their lettuce with a million calories. That doesn’t happen, okay? They know what’s doing… If you go to a bloke and he’s surrounded by cakes and pies and you go, “You know what’s making you fat, don’t ya?” He doesn’t go, “Is it all the running?” He knows what… But I don’t make judgments other than how they got fat. If I see a fat person, I don’t go, “Oh, he’s fat, therefore he’s jolly,” right? A lot of them are miserable, aren’t they? If… if I see a fat girl, I don’t go, “Oh, she’d be pretty if she lost weight.” That’s rarely the case. So don’t fall for that. A lot of them started eating because they had fuck all to lose, so… No. But there’s no stigma attached because… People don’t even want to use the word “fat” now because they think it’s derogatory. It’s a real taboo subject, so they use euphemisms. They go, “Oh, you know Brenda, the f– big girl?” “What, seven foot?” “No no. Not tall.” “What does she look like?” “Brenda… you know, she… She’s the one who’s clammy even in winter.” Just say she’s fat. Nothing wrong with it. It’s their choice. It’s up to you if you wanna be fat. But they don’t. They go, “You know, Brenda… She’s out of breath just standing up at her desk.” Just… But even though it is their own fault… and it is their own fault… I feel sorry for them, all right. No, I do, particularly fat women, cause fat is a feminist issue. Men get fat and we just go, “Fuck it. All bought and paid for.” You know. We don’t come under the same constraints of society, whereas women are inundated with images of how you should be… size 0 models, this diet, that diet. Look like this. Keep your man. And they make such an effort, don’t they, fat girls? They’ve always got lovely hair. Aren’t they? They’re always having their hair done. They’ve got lovely hair. Always got lovely hair. Always got those lovely false nails, don’t they? They make an effort. Anything but jogging, right? They love high heels, don’t they? They think it makes their legs look less… It doesn’t. It just… You can just hear them coming now. I don’t want any fat people to feel uncomfortable at one of my gigs. So next time, buy two seats. I’m… I’m joking. There’s… I’m joking. Shut up. I’m not having a go; I’m just pointing out, you know… I was listening to the radio in England a few weeks back. Radio 4, quite highbrow. There was a discussion about political correctness. My name came up straightaway. And there was this woman on there going, “Oh yeah, well, it’s not right. Ricky Gervais, he makes jokes about fat people. He wouldn’t make jokes about gay people, would he? And being fat is like being gay.” What? No it’s not. What? You can’t choose your sexuality. As we’ve established… You choose whether to eat too much or not. You know, with your sexuality, you’re born, you grow up, you discover you like same-sex relationships, and that’s it. You’re gay, okay? For being gay to be the same as being fat, you’d have to be born, be straight, grow up knowing you’re straight, but gradually and consciously wean yourself onto cock. “Happy 16th birthday, son. This is Raoul. Suck his cock.” “Sorry, father?” “Suck his cock. 16 now. Suck his cock.” “I… I’m heterosexual.” “Oh, with his newfangled words. Suck his cock, come on.” “I… I don’t like cock, father.” “‘Doesn’t like cock.’ How would you know if you’ve never tried it? Ah! Suck his cock.” “I don’t…” “Suck one cock. Suck…” “Ugh.” “Well, that’s not sucking it. That’s playing with it. Put it in your mouth. Put it…” “Ugh. Oh.” “Look, have a go. You might like it.” “Ugh.” “It’s not so bad, is it?” “No, it’s not. I fucking love these!” If that happened, then being gay would be the same as being fat. But it doesn’t, so it’s not, okay? I was on a plane last year going from New York to L.A. And me and my girlfriend were on one side of the plane. There was the aisle. And the other side… There were these two huge, fat men. Proper proper proper fat. One of them just got on and went, “Can I have a belt extension?” “Yeah, of course you can. You’ve earned it.” So… proper… In fact, I was thinking of calling the pilot out and going, “Should one of us swap with one of them? Otherwise we’re just going to Canada. Do you know what I mean?” And one of them was even fatter than the other one. She was there and she’d got on the plane with one of those take-away buckets of fast food. Bucket! I mean, there’s your first clue. When did that happen? When did fat people just give up? When did they go into a shop and go, “Oh, fuck it. Just treat me like a farmyard animal.” “Really?” “Give me it in a bucket. In fact, just strap it to my fuckin’ head and I’ll just…” “A bucket? Really? You want your meal in a bucket?” “Yes.” So she’s there and she’s chowing down. And I swear she turns to her fat friend and says, “This is the best fried chicken I’ve had all day.” But I’m not having a go. I’m not having a go. No, I’m not. No, I’m not. Because even though it is their own fault… and it is their own fault… I don’t know if you know this about fat people… They fucking love cake. They love it. They love it, right? And I blame the food industries, because you go into a supermarket and it’s just packed with that stuff. Everything’s packed with hydrogenated fats and extra calories and sugar and butter and everything. And they… they love that. And there’s always a big door, isn’t there, to a supermarket. There’s always a… They’ve got a quadruple door, isn’t it? No one’s ever been too fat to get through the door of a supermarket, okay? And it opens automatically, so they don’t have to waste calories pushing anything. There’s just… And it’s a good job it opens automatically because usually it’s glass and they can see the pie from down the road and they’re in like that. Grazing, right? So I say keep the big door. Keep the big door. Sure, keep the big door. Come on, fat people. Come… In you go. But when they get in there, it’s all fresh fruit and veg. It’s all whole grain. It’s all stuff that’s good for you. Of course they’ll be confused at first. They’ll go, “What?” That’s not real food to them. They think Brussels sprouts is packaging. They’re… they’re looking… “Where’s the cakes? Where’s the cakes?” The cakes are over here. The cakes are through a different door, but this door is human-sized. So now they’ll go, “There’s the cakes.” They’re gonna… “Oh fuck, I can’t get in. I can’t… I can’t get through the fuckin’ door. I can’t…” ( Whimpering ) And they’re starving. They’ll go, “Oh God, I’ve got… what’s this? I’ve gotta eat. What’s this? A banana.” ( Retching ) Right? And they’ll go back. “Oh no, I still can’t…” Back and have a carrot. ( Retching ) They’re back and forth for days and the fat’s falling off them. Soon they can slip through the door and have a cake. They can’t get out again. No, but I mean… But we’ve gotta do something. We’ve gotta intervene. And people say, “No, it has nothing to do with you. It’s up to them. It’s their body. It’s their life.” And that’s true, but we don’t say that about wearing crash helmets. Or if you’ve got a heroin addict in the family, you don’t go, “Oh, it’s his life. He loves heroin.” You know, you… you go, “No, you’ve gotta stop this. Please don’t die.” And you get him and you throw him in a cupboard for three weeks or something. You can’t throw a fat person in a cupboard. You’d do your back in like me. But, you know, heroin addicts… They don’t weigh anything. You can throw them around willy-nilly, right? In fact, when they’re lying there with a needle hanging out, you just get the needle and flick, and they just go into the cupboard like that. Fat people, you’ve gotta lure them in… a little trail of chocolates. And they just follow that anywhere, like that. But we’ve got to do something because a third of the world are obese and a third of the world are starving. The fat ones are eating the skinny ones’ food basically. I know most of the skinny ones are in Africa, so out of sight, out of mind, I know. But… No no. I can talk about Africa like that because I’m from Britain and we used to own it. We did when we had the empire and we ruled the world. Before you took over we used to… We owned Africa. But then in the ’50s and ’60s Africa wanted to be self-ruled. They wanted independence and they said, “We’d like to run ourselves.” We went, “Fine.” So gradually we started giving Africa back to the Africans. And by the ’70s it was totally run by the, you know, Africans themselves. And of course in the ’80s, we get a phone call. “Hello?” “Hello?” “Who’s that?” “Africa.” “What do you want?” “We’re starving.” “You should’ve thought of that before you wanted independence.” “Well, we didn’t know there’d be a drought, did we?” “Drought? I’ll give you a drought.” This is true. When I was a kid… I was about 10… we had a really long hot summer and there was a hosepipe ban. You couldn’t water your flowers. We’ve all suffered. So… That’s true actually. One long hot summer, and the water ran out. We didn’t know what to do. We thought, “What could we do?” And there was people coming round your house, trying to tell you how to conserve water. They were saying, “When you brush your teeth, don’t let the tap just run. Put a little glass down.” And they came round. They were putting house bricks in the cistern of the toilet to save water. And there was public information films on the television. There was one advert… It was like an animation and it was, like, a couple in the bath, and it said, “Conserve water: Take a bath with a friend.” Which I did. I say a friend; He was more a friend of my granddad’s. But… No. £10 is a lot to a kid in England. What? He taught me a lot. He taught me a lot… Stuff like, “You don’t wash it like that. Give it here.” No, he was a sweet old man. I used to call him granddad Charlie. He wasn’t my real granddad. He was just an old bloke who lived across the road who used to come round whenever he saw my parents go out. And he’d come round… “Mom and dad out?” “Yeah?” “All right, do you wanna see a magic trick?” “Yeah.” He’d draw the curtains and he’d make me close my eyes, and he’d sit down and he’d put a top hat on his lap like that. A magic hat, right? And he’d go, “Close your eyes and feel the magic rabbit.” I used to go up and I used to… I used to go in. I used to feel the little… A weird little thing it was. Didn’t have any fur or ears. And it used to go… And it was scared stiff, it was. It was terrified. And he’d make me stroke it for… And I stroked it so fast once that it was sick all down my… Shut up. Shut up. Fuck off. Oh dear, oh. Where was oh yeah, famine. Famine is a problem, which brings me to this next fad that we need to stamp out. This happened Christmas before last, exchanging gifts with old friends, good friends, quite well-off friends if I’m being honest. I got them a coffee-making machine from Harrods. Top of the range. They loved it. They gave me my present. It was just an envelope. I thought, “Ih, what’s this? Vouchers?” Opened it up. It wasn’t vouchers. It was just a card with a picture of a goat on it. And I said, “What’s this?” They went, “Oh, our gift to you is we gave a goat to an African family.” “What?” I’m looking at the coffee machine, thinking, “Is it too late to take that back?” “And what is…” “Oh, we gave a goat to an African family.” “Did you? Oh.” So I’ve got fuck all then basically. Mean, I don’t even know this African family. Why would I give them a goat? It doesn’t make… This serves no purpose at all. This is no good for anyone. They’re 50 quid down. I’ve got nothing. The African family’s going, “Not another mouth to feed.” Right? The goat is going, “Where the fuck am I? This… what the f… This is shit. A week ago I was gamboling round the Cotswolds. There was grass and tourists with nuts and… This is a fucking dust bowl.” There’s no way that goat wanted to go to Africa. It was basically… It was kidnapped. It was abducted. It was put in a sack and bundled on a boat to Africa like “Roots” in reverse. There was no… There was no way. They went, “Do you want to go to Africa?” It went, “Definitely not. No no.” “Oh, come on. Why don’t you wanna go to Africa?” “Um, lions.” “Come on. Why don’t you wanna go to Africa?” “Um, AIDS.” “Well, that shouldn’t affect you.” “It shouldn’t.” So just be careful with that charity shit, particularly at Christmas. That’s when they get you. They give you a guilt trip at Christmas. All the adverts of a charity at Christmas. You’re sitting at home, aren’t you, having your Christmas lunch… loads of food, too much food. Probably gonna throw a lot of it away, right? And things like this come on the telly. This runs every Christmas day in England. It goes, “Is there an old lady near you, cold and lonely this Christmas?” Yeah. I fuckin’ hate her. Nosy bitch winds me up all year round, okay? I can’t wait for the cold weather. There’s no old lady near me. She died last year of hypothermia. So result, yeah. Brilliant. The other big one is “A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.” I’m right behind that. I’m really into animal welfare. And that’s obviously aimed at parents whose kids go, “Can I have a puppy? Can I have a puppy?” And they go, “No.” “Can I have a puppy? Can I…” And they get them a puppy to shut them up, right? And the kid likes it when it’s cute. It grows up. The kid gets other interests, gets bored with the dog. They lumber the parents with it. The parents get bored with it. They abandon it. 11,000 pets were abandoned in England last year, which is terrible. And I think, you know, kids should have pets. I think it teaches them life lessons. I haven’t got kids, but I’ve got loads of nieces and nephews. And they’ve got kids of their own now. I want to be a cool uncle and give them what they want, but I want to be a responsible one too and not add to the stray problem. But I think I’ve solved the dilemma. Here’s a tip. This is what I do, anyway. You’ve gotta wait till Christmas eve. And always go to an animal rescue center, not a breeder. I go along to an animal rescue center Christmas eve, and I go to the veterinary part. They’ve usually got, like, a runt who’s been born sort of disabled with no quality of life, and they’re just putting that out of its misery. And I go, “No, don’t kill that one. I’ll take that one.” And they go, “It’s only gonna live a day.” Perfect. Perfect. So… so… and I run home. I’m going, “Don’t die yet. Don’t die yet. Hold on.” A little bit of Starbucks. A little bit of Starbucks. And I rush in. I call my niece. She comes running. “Uncle Ricky!” “Got you a puppy.” “Uncle Ricky, you got me a puppy!” “Yeah, your best uncle got you a puppy. Yeah. Go on, play with it quick. Go on, play with it.” She takes it to bed with her Christmas eve and she sleeps with it. She wakes up Christmas day, it’s dead, cold, stiff, gone. So result. Not a problem. And they always come down the next day, they go, “Oh, my puppy’s dead. My puppy’s dead.” They go, “Oh, what? The puppy your uncle got you? He did his bit, and whatever happened after that isn’t his problem.” They go, “Yeah.” And I go, “Maybe you rolled over it in the night.” “Oh, did I? Oh no! Oh no!” And then they start “I killed my puppy.” “I killed my puppy.” And they go, “No, you didn’t kill your puppy.” Jesus killed your puppy on his birthday ’cause you didn’t spend enough on your uncle’s Christmas present.” They usually buck their ideas up the next year. The other big campaign at Christmas: Don’t drink and drive. Right behind that as well. A lot more stigma attached to that these days. When I was growing up, it was whether you got away with it or not. But people now know it’s sort of… It wrecks lives. I’d be getting in the car when I was a kid with grown-ups, family. I’d be going, “No, you can’t drive. You had too much to drink.” And they go, “It’s all right. I won’t get caught.” But now people know that’s wrong. I’ve done it once and I’m not proud of it. I’m fucking ashamed of it. That was Christmas. I wasn’t drunk, but I was over the limit. I took the car out and I knew I shouldn’t. I knew I shouldn’t be driving. But I learned my lesson, because I nearly killed an old woman. No, in the end I didn’t kill her. In the end I just raped her. But as I say, nothing came of it. Luckily for me, a thousand-to-one shot, she had Alzheimer’s. So not a credible witness. Spiders… Oh, spiders. They’re always ready, aren’t they? Aren’t they always ready for… They’re always ready for action, a spider. It’s always completely fucking ready for action like that. Always ready for action, always. I mean, some animals are sometimes ready. You startle a cat and it’ll go… ( Gasps ) For a few seconds. Then it goes back to chill. Most of the time a cat is just laying on the floor, isn’t it? Just on its side, all four limbs just stretched out in one direction. You will never see a spider like that. You will never see a spider just lying on the carpet, its head down and all eight legs just stretched out like that. They’re always… Ugh. They’re always ready, okay? And they’re always ready in every direction like the fucking “Matrix,” like that. They don’t have to turn. They’ve got 10 eyes… eight legs and 10 eyes. It’s over the top. They’re even ready when you don’t think they’re ready. You can see an empty web and you go, “That spider’s not ready.” “No? Touch the web.” “What?” “Touch the web.” And it’s there, like that. I fucking hate them. 37,000 different species of spider. 37,000 different species of spider. I mean, millions and billions of individuals in each species. And that’s just one class, arachnid, of one phylum, arthropoda. There could be five million species of animal alive now on the earth. Best guess, okay? And that’s 1% of all animal species that have ever existed. 99% of all animal species that ever existed are now extinct, and that remaining 1% is five million strong. Take one of those species… termites. If we were to weigh every termite alive now, it would be 10 times the tonnage of every human being on earth. And it’s statistics like that that make me think that this book isn’t totally accurate. It’s the book of Noah, the children’s edition. I actually got this awarded to me when I used to go to Sunday school every week. I believed in all this till I was eight. “St. Agnes Sunday School. Presented to: Rikki Gervais…” R-i-k-k-i. Like a fucking mongoose, right? “…For regular attendance.” Not even for being good at anything; Just for turning up. “He’s always here. Give him a prize. He’ll be back.” “Thank you. Thank you.” Let’s have a look at the evidence. “Long long ago, when God first made the earth…” I’ll let both those points go. We haven’t got time. Right. “Long long ago” by the way, according to the Bible, is 5,000 years. According to the old testament, the earth is no older than 5,000 years old, okay? It’s actually 4.6 billion years old. Let’s pop that in, pop that in. “4.6 billion years ago, when God first made the earth and sky…” All right, don’t bring it up. It comes as a package really, doesn’t it? I mean… Do you know what I mean? The sky was never an optional extra. It’s like, “Made you a planet.” “I can’t breathe.” “Would you like an atmosphere?” “Of course I fuckin’ would.” So, well done, but… “Everything was peaceful, everything beautiful. God made human beings too, and he wanted them to be good like himself.” Arrogant, right? “But very soon, they wanted their own way. They would not listen to God. They became wicked and did wicked things.” Look at them doing wicked things there. You don’t get much more wicked than that, do you? “Fuck… Oh, fuck off, wicked!” Whee. “Fuck off, wicked!” Whee. “Ah!” God just looking on. “Oh, carry on. See what happens. See what happens. Oh, see what happens, yeah. Oh, see what happens.” The bloke there running off with a big bag of money. Don’t put it in a bank, you cunt. ( Groans ) Right. “God looked at them and said to himself, ‘they are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the earth.'” really? Really? Straight to genocide? What happened to one verbal and two written warnings? Straight… Straight to the annihilation of the entire human race because a fatty-yellow-trousers picked someone’s nose? Really? Fuck. Anger management, man. Just calm the fuck down. Let’s… just chill. Let’s talk about this. Wow! I read that to Karl Pilkington, right? – Who is… Yes. – (Audience cheering) Yes. Head like a fuckin’ orange, I know, yeah. I read that bit to him. “They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the earth.” And Karl said, “He sounds gay.” I said, “What… what do you mean?” He went, “Some gays are a bit like that.” He thought God was, like, having a hissy fit. Like he’s going, “No, they treat me like a bastard, I’m gonna treat them like a bast… I’m gonna show them. I’m gonna wipe ’em out.” I said, “Karl, God is not gay, okay? Read the Bible. He hates them.” “They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off e face of the earth, and every living thing with them.” What’s the squid ever done? Real… God has gone mad. What? But he’s not gay. God is not gay. “But there was one man who was still very good. His name was Noah. He was a friend of God.” Just a friend, so don’t… No. Just a friend… A friend with big hooped earrings. Rouge. What… what’s he doing… He lives in a cave. What’s he doing with this? “What… what are you doing?” “Seeing God. You never know. You never know.” Handlebar mustache. Holding God’s hand, who’s wearing a blouse. God is not gay. “God said to Noah, ‘I am so angry with men…'” “You mean men and women?” “Whatever. Whatever.” “‘I am so angry with men that I have made my mind up to destroy them all. I have stretched my bow in the sky. It is a rainbow.'” that’s got to be the world’s first pun, hasn’t it? “‘It will make so much rain pour down on earth that everything will be drowned, but not you. I want you to build an ark. It must be like a big boat with three decks and a roof over it.'” “Yeah, I know how to build a boat, mate. Oh, cheers.” “‘And you will make a door in the side of it.'” “Do you think I’m a complete idiot? I know…” “Noah did exactly what God told him. And then God said to Noah…” Now… Okay okay. Now this is aimed at children, admittedly, but it’s taken from the old testament story in the Bible. But I don’t think the author of this book is a zoologist. As we’ve said, there could be five million species of animal. I don’t think he knows them all, the way he backs out very quickly in this next sentence, okay? “‘I want you to take two of every kind of animal with you into the ark… Two lions, two tigers, two elephants and so on.'” “What? I’ve got lions, tigers, elephants… so on. On you go.” “‘Look after them well and keep them alive.’ and Noah did what God said.” Now I want you to study that scenario. Okay, so God is angry with mankind. He’s fed up with them. They’re wicked. He’s gonna wipe them out and just start again with Noah and his wife. He’s angry with the animals too for some reason. I don’t… So he’s gonna start again with just two of each species. He calls a flood. They build an ark. Noah goes, “Right, two of each species. Two, just two. Quick, first two.” (Trumpets) There’s a stampede. (Trumpets) Two elephants. (Trumpets) Two toucans…Just walking. There’s no rush. Just strollin’, baby. I think this one is a bit more concerned than this one. This one’s probably going, “Should we fly?” “Nah.” “No?” “Nah.” I could do this all night. “No?” “Nah.” (Snorts) “Sure?” “Yeah.” “I mean, we’ve… Well, we’ve got wings.” (Laughing) “We’ve got feet as well.” “Why don’t you wanna push in?” “That elephant’s looking at me funny.” “Yeah, I… I fuckin’ am. If you try and push in, I’m gonna stamp on you, you… you big-nosed twat.” “Hold on. Who are you calling big-nosed?” “What do you mean?” “No, it’s just pot calling kettle black.” “What the fuck does that mean? What does ‘pot… ‘” “Well, you know, if a pot’s… Oh, forget it.” “I can’t forget it. I’m a fucking elephant.” (Laughing) Oh. Two camels, two lions, two ostriches, two leopards, two tigers, two zebra. Ah, here’s the crux of my point. Just one species on the ark at the moment: The giraffes. They got there first… Longer legs, okay? Five million more species to get on there. So two of it… So two animals on the ark at the moment. 10 million more animals to go. 10 million more of those, ok? Million as far as… 10 million of them to get on there. Just two on there at the moment. Look how much room they’re already taking up. It’s at a third capacity. What’s it going to be like on there when these two fat cunts get on? Man: Yeah! “Then God bent the bow of his anger and the rain came flooding down, covering the earth with water. It rained for 40 days and nights. The flood water rose higher and higher, until it covered the tops of the highest mountains. Every living thing was drowned except Noah and the animals in the ark.” And the fish. They were fine, weren’t they? They were fine. They were loving it. They were better off. In fact, all the sea creatures. I mean, mountains underwater… Their domain had increased, like, tenfold. It’s so much more interesting. You’ve got crabs going, “I’m on a fucking mountain! This is amazing! I never want this flood to… I’ve never been up here before.” I think of that when you see on the news, like if there’s a little village in Gloucester flooded or something. It’s really sad. You see people… They’ve lost their homes and they’re in dinghies, carrying their pets. And you see a little row of antique shops completely underwater. And I think of a fish just looking in the window of the antique shop for the first time. “So that’s a chaise longue.” “For 150 days the earth was covered with water. Then Noah opened the window of the ark and looked out. The water seemed to be going down, but how could he be sure?” Well, ask God. You’ve been chatting to him all the way through. Why are we… Why are we getting cryptic all of a sudden? “He sent a raven out, but it soon came flying back. It could find nowhere to settle. Noah waited another week and he sent out a dove.” Why did the raven lose his job? “But the dove came back too.” See? The raven wasn’t bullshitting. This is… “There was still no dry land anywhere… “But one day the dove flew out and…” Why did the dove get a second go and not the raven? Racist. “But one day the dove flew out and brought back a green olive branch. And Noah knew that God was no longer angry. Then God told Noah to the animals out of the ark. ‘They must once more fill the Earth with living things.’ the first thing Noah did was to build an altar. He offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for saving them. And Noah said “I’ll make a pact of friendship with you.” ‘I will never again send a flood to destroy the earth. The rainbow, which I’ve put in the sky, will no longer be a sign of my anger, but a sign of peace. It will be a sign of my friendship with men… ‘” That is… That is how it is… That is how it is used today. They took it literally. “‘It will be a sign of my friendship with men, which begins today, and which my son Jesus will one day prove by shedding his blood for men.'” “Who?” “You’ll see.” There was… there wasn’t a teaser campaign in the old testament. Coming soon: The sequel. “And so when you have done wrong and you are feeling very sad about it, think of the rainbow and the peace which God wants to put into your heart. He has promised to be your friend. Promise to be his.” And that’s just one of 12 in the dove books series. I’ve only got one: Number nine… “Noah.” Although I think my favorite would be number eight just from the title… “Jesus and the Cripple.” ( Cheering, applause ) Thank you. Cheers. Oh dear. I… I read that whole book to Karl and uh… He believed it all. Why wouldn’t he? It’s written down.. And I said, “Karl, think. How could they get 10 million animals on a boat?” Karl went, “They said it was a big boat.” Yeah, they did. That’s true. I said, “Put they’re all part of the food chain. They would have literally had to have eaten each other to survive. Why didn’t the lion eat the antelope? Why didn’t the spider eat the fly?” And Karl said, “‘Cause in a crisis you all pull together.” Amazing. I’d love to do a book of his quotes. I love books of quotations. I love just reading them for… for pleasure. I’ve got a few of these compilations. And one of my heroes is Winston Churchill. When I read “Give us the tools and we will finish the job,” I thought, “How inspiring.” And when I read “Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few,” I thought, “How patriotic.” And when I read “It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations,” I thought, “You cheeky, fat git.” People always say to me that Oscar Wilde is the greatest genius that’s ever lived. Let’s have a look to me at the evidence, okay? Here’s one of his. “All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his.” That sounds a bit gay to me. Don’t you think? I… No, just… Give him another go. Here’s another one. “I couldn’t help it. I can resist everything except temptation.” That sounds gay as well. I think… I want to start that with an “Ooh.” I wanna go, “Ooh, I couldn’t help it.” Do you know what I mean? And I want to end it with, “I can resist everything except temptation. Chance would be a fine thing.” You know? And when he went through customs in New York all those years ago… And the customs officer, just doing his job, said, “Have you anything to declare?” Oscar Wilde famously said, “Nothing but my genius.” Ooh. That wasn’t witty. I bet he planned that. I bet the first time he went through customs in a foreign country it was all “Yes sir,” “No sir.” “Anything to declare?” “No.” “Thanks. On you go.” “Oh, I just thought of something fucking brilliant to say. Oh! I’m always doing that. Excuse me, can I go back through… No? Ugh!” He had to wait weeks in those days, back on the boat to England, just thinking, “If they say that again… ‘Anything to declare?’ ‘Nothing but my genius.’ I’ll be in a book of quotations.” He gets there again weeks later, finds the same bloke, goes up to him. The bloke goes, “On you go.” “Didn’t even fucking ask me that time. Fuck. Excuse me, they didn’t ask me if… Random, fucking random.” Right? Back on the boat. Three weeks later, getting it. Gets there this time, finds the same bloke. Is time he’s started looking shifty so he gets picked out. Like that, right? The blok, right?… “Did you buy anything?” “That’s not the question. Say ‘Have you anything to declare?'” “Okay. Have you anything to declare?” “Nothing but my genius.” “Whose are the butt plugs?” “They’re mine. They’re mine. They’re mine.” Incarcerated in reading jail for homosexuality. We’ve come a long way from it being punishable to total equality, as it should be of course. In England the gay age of consent is the same as heterosexuality now… 16. And even gay marriage. Although, ironically, the one place that was really ahead of the game fell behind a little at the last election… California. They had a referendum. They put it to the vote and they voted no to gay marriage. I mean, California there’s people going, “That’s why we moved here.” I mean, it’s a strange sort of bigotry that you can affect someone else’s lifestyle that doesn’t affect you back. It’s not like they asked a bloke once, said, “Sorry, do you mind if these two men get married?” He went, “No. Fine.” “Okay, Jack ’em then.” “What? I didn’t know that was…” That doesn’t happen, does it? That doesn’t happen. It’s also a strange sort of bigotry because these people that object to that were presumably the same people that said gay people were immoral and promiscuous. But now they don’t want them to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God. And it must be so confusing to a gay guy in California, thinking, “That’s the bit they don’t like. With all the other shit we get up to, it’s the marriage bit.” They’d be so confused. They must go to judges and go, “Sorry, can I get the rules straight?” “What do you want to know?” “I just didn’t know what we can and can’t do.” “Ask away.” “Can I marry a man?” “No.” “Can I fuck him up the ass and give him a little reach-round?” “Please.” “I… Can’t marry him, no. But I… and a little… Can I… Can… can I pick up a stranger in the bushes and take him home and jizz on him and throw him out in the morning all crusty and homeless?” “Of course you can, yeah.” “But I couldn’t marry him?” “No.” ( Retching ) “No, and don’t ask again, all right?” “Can I line up 15 men…” I’m just riffing here. “Can I line up 15 men and just jack ’em off for a laugh?” “If you want, yeah yeah.” It would be difficult, wouldn’t it? Jacking off 15 men at once. It’d be like plate spinning, wouldn’t it? No. Because you’d have… You could only do two at once really. So you’d have these two ready to blow, but then they’d be losing it. And you’d go, “Fucking hell. Here you go. Oh, fucking hell. All right, all right, all right.” Ain’t it knackering, jacking off 15 men at once? I never thought I’d say that. Again. No. There’s these people that say, “Being gay isn’t natural.” Well, it is natural, and I’ve got a book to prove it. Homosexuality occurs in about the same incidence in the animal kingdom as it does in human society. This is a real book. It’s called “Biological exuberance: Animal homosexuality and natural diversity” by Bruce Bagemihl, okay? “The evidence is compelling and it seems there is virtually no species which does not have its gay community.” That doesn’t mean, like, chimps on one particular street wearing leather caps and stuff. It just… They sort of spread it out more really. This is a real book. Can we have the first slide, please? Right. Okay? Right. This is a real book, okay? Right? Absolutely real, okay? “Two male stump-tailed macaques in mutual fellatio.” Mutual… They’re sharing. They’re sharing it round. Next slide. Okay. “A male squirrel monkey, right, performing a genital display toward another male.” ( Stammering ) I… He’s just going, “What do you think of that?” And this one’s going, “What?” “Suck it.” Look at his little hand. “Why?” “Because we’re gay.” “I’m not.” “You fuckin’ are.” Look at the way he’s holding him. And he’s got his leg up for extra purchase. He’s going, “Get in there. Get in there. Get in there.” Look at him. ( Gibbers ) Can you imagine face when I discovered this book? Oh my God. ( Giggling ) Next slide, please. Ah, okay. “A female Olympic marmot mounting another female.” Now I don’t know what is in that for either of them… Unless the one on top is wearing a strap-on dildo. One more. One more slide. Oh, this is a doozy. Okay. “Two forms of copulation between male dolphins: Genital slit, or anal penetration, above; and below, blowhole penetration.” Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Basically… He is fucking him in the head! It’s in the head. He’s fucking him in the head, ladies… I have never seen that on any wildlife documentary. I’ve never… Why have I never seen that before? Why are they doing that? Maybe it’s not in the wild. Maybe it’s in seaworld, which is like their prison. And they’re going… they’re going, “Fuck’s sake, they’ve put in two males. Some people think we’re fish. We might as well fucking do it.” I mean, look at his face. Like that. He’s going, “Dave.” “What?” “Could… could we not do it up the ass like them?” “No. It’s in the head or nothing.” ( Laughing ) “D-Dave?” “What?! What?!” “Dave, Dave, I love you… But I can’t fucking breathe.” That is a real book. That is a real book. Can we have the… Look. I love the fact that he found, like, a turkey in drag to show how gay animals can be. The gayest animal in the world. I… I hope I haven’t offended anyone with any of the subject… No, I do. I do. That’s not the point. I don’t try and offend. If I have offended anyone, and I’m sure I have, I don’t apologize. No, I think you shouldn’t. You have to be able to justify everything you do. I always think that a comedian should take you to taboo places you haven’t been before. Otherwise you could do it yourself. There’s enough anodyne comedy out there… Just doing things, obvious stuff that, you know, doesn’t make any difference at all. And there’s this spate of comedians saying sorry when they go too far. I just think, you know, you should… They go, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean it.” Well, you should’ve known better then. There’s also a witch-hunt at the moment with people saying, “Is there anything you shouldn’t make a joke about?” No, there’s nothing you shouldn’t joke about. It depends what the joke is. ( Cheering, applause ) Comedy comes from a good or a bad place, and it’s for you to decide what that is. I think that there’s a big debate about sick jokes. “Comedians doing sick jokes.” Now the thing about sick jokes… When we tell a sick joke, it’s with the express understanding that neither party is really like that. I wouldn’t tell a sick joke to a known pedophile. I wouldn’t go, “Here, mate, you’re gonna fuckin’ love this more than anyone, son.” Do you know what I… I’ve never been in trouble for anything I’ve said in my professional career because I refuse to apologize. What can they do to you, you know? Growing up, you try… try things out and you get taken the wrong way a little bit. Not like the dolphin. I mean, you know, not… When I was about 23, 24, me and my girlfriend met up with this other couple. They had moved down from the north of England to London. They used to come in the place I used to work and we had a couple of drinks with them. They were cool people and they were fun. After we had met them a couple of times, they invited us to a party at their house. And we went along. One, it was a dinner party, which they hadn’t warned us about. But two, it was for their family that had come down from the north to see how they were getting on. And it was both of their parents and grandparents and great uncles… average age about 85, right? And I think we were an afterthought. They thought, “Oh God, we don’t know anyone our own age. Oh, that Ricky and Jane.” So we went along. And we were still getting to know them, so we just spoke to them all night. We didn’t really mingle with the older people. And as I say, we use comedy as a sword and a shield and a medicine, but usually as a getting to know you. We use comedy to break the ice. Are you like-minded? What can you take? What do you like? And I’ve always pushed the boundaries a little bit to try and make people laugh at things they didn’t think they could. But, you know… But then everything turns out okay, I suppose. I started off lightly. I told this joke. Why did the little girl fall off the swing? ‘Cause she had no arms. Yeah, sweet. And they laughed… A little bit louder than that. There was only two of them, so thanks. No. So I thought, “Okay, they get it.” And so you up the ante a little bit. You push… and I told this joke. Ooh, I need a drink. Start the car, seriously. Right. I told this joke. Made sure the old people couldn’t hear, like that. I went, “Okay, a father is sitting at home, just reading the newspaper. His little girl comes running in. She’s only six. ‘Hello, darling.’ ‘Hello, daddy.’ ‘You’ve been playing?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘In the park?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘With your friends?’ ‘Well, until the man came along.’ ‘Till the man came along?’ ‘Yeah, a man came along and he asked my friends to leave, so it was just me and him.’ ‘Darling, come… Come over. Whatever happened, none of it was your fault. Okay, darling? None of it was your fault. But tell daddy every detail. What happened?’ ‘Um, he took me behind a tree so no one could see what we were doing.’ ‘Oh God, darling. And then what happened?’ ‘um, he took my dress off.’ ‘Oh God. What happened next? What happened?’ ‘Um, he took his thing out.’ ‘Oh God, darling. And then what happened?’ ‘Nothing. That was it.’ ‘Oh well, make something up.'” – Cheers. – Man: Tell us some more, Rick ( cheering, applause ) Don’t tell anyone that. I want it to be a surprise. So I told that joke. Carried on, getting a bit drunk and telling jokes. Eventually we sat down for the meal at about a quarter to 10:00. They put two tables together. The hosts sat at either end and they put me in the middle, opposite this very sweet, but very deaf 80-year-old man. So the conversation was a bit stilted. After about 20 minutes, Ian, one of the hosts, pops up and says, “Oh, Ricky, tell that joke.” I went, “What?” All the old people went, “Oh, we love jokes.” “Do you?” I looked at Ian and Ian went, “It’ll be fine.” I went, “Okay.” And he got on with his conversation. And so they’re all like that. I went, “Um, oh… Uh… A father is sitting at home, reading the paper. A little girl comes running… ” Told the whole joke. Got to the bit, “Well, make something up.” They went, ahem. Silence. I looked at Ian, he went, “Not that one!” Thank you so much. You’ve been fantastic. Good night. ( Cheering, whistling ) Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Cheers. Thank you. Fantastic. Thank you so much. I fucking love Chicago. Isn’t it brilliant? – Isn’t it amazing? – ( Cheering ) I’ve had just the best time. Thank you… Thank you so much. I’ll tell you, I’d risk coming again through volcanic ash clouds… anything to get here. It’s fantastic… terrorist attack. I’ve actually always been a nervous flyer, to be honest. I flew a few weeks after 9-11. After 9-11, the world went a little bit crazy, you know? Understandably. The rules changed and there was a lot of anger and fear and confusion and finger-pointing. And I had always considered myself quite a rational, liberal sort of guy, and I tried to remain that way after 9-11. And even in the pub with mates I’d be the one who was going, “No, you can’t say that. No, that’s a generalization. That’s ridiculous. No, that’s unfair. You can’t tar everyone with the same brush. No, it’s still the safest form of transport. It’s 60 million to one, the chance of a…” You know, trying to be rational. That’s in a pub. When I’m flying it’s more like, “Check him again. Can we check him again? He’s getting on this… Do you mind if I check him? Can I just… can I just…” After 9-11, with all the checks, I still tried to remain rational and philosophical. I was thinking, “Right, it’s harder now than it ever was to get a bomb on the plane. This is… You know, the restrictions are tight. It’s safer now.” And then I found out that a terrorist doesn’t even have to get on the plane now with a bomb. They found heat-seeking missiles, and they could just park up in some sort of lay-by and take the plane out within the first 10 minutes of take-off. So now I’d be on the plane going, “Right, we’re out of range. Who’s got the bomb?” As I said, I flew a couple of weeks after 9-11, internal flight. We’re up in the air. I had done the thing. “We’re out of range. Right, okay.” I was still a bit nervous and I said to the air hostess… I said, “Have you got any magazines?” Think of this. She said, quite loud, quite blasé… she said, “No, honey, we’ve got no magazines. We’ve had to undertake severe cutbacks because we’re one of the companies being sued over 9-11.” One: Don’t mention 9-11. Surely a new rule book went round. “Don’t mention 9-11 when you’re handing out the coffee.” Do you know what I mean? Right? Two: Don’t say “Severe cutbacks.” Severe cutbacks… if someone says that, I don’t think of magazines anymore. I think of a bloke in an aircraft hangar earlier that week going, “Do we really need all these rivets?” It’s just… What terrible bedside manner. I mean, I take first-class flights everywhere. I know you wouldn’t have it any other way. I do it for you, really. Some of the flights I take cost 10,000 pounds, okay? And for 10,000 pounds, in a disaster I expect the front end of my plane that I’m in to gently break off and float down to a desert island. It doesn’t. I’d die with the rest of you fucking loss. That’s not fair, is it? I know you’d try to save me, but you couldn’t. We’d just be on the news. I’d probably be the only one who’d get name-checked on the news. You’d be “230 others,” which is some consolation. But anyway… So, okay. Once I was flying back from New York… 9:25, a Saturday night, J.F.K. to London Heathrow, BA, first class. Okay, now this is my point. It’s fear that threatens rational thought, I think. I’m there. Now the whole week leading up to that flight… I don’t know if you remember it or it’s happened more than once. It was a couple of years ago. On every news channel in America there was a rolling tickertape that said “America on red alert. We’ve had intel there’s going to be another 9-11 in a major city, probably New York or L.A. this weekend. Do not fly unless you absolutely had to.” I had to. I was filming. And… ( Laughs ) Right? So I’m the only one in the first-class lounge, and I still tried to remain rational. I was thinking, “No, it’s safer now. Everyone’s looking for a terrorist today. They’ll leave it till Monday.” Right? And then it happened… the thing that threatened my rational thought. I had a little… a bit of a mini-breakdown. Into the first-class lounge, about 30 minutes before boarding, came this guy. I don’t whether he was north African or Middle Eastern or Asian, but he had all the gear, right? Beard, steel attaché case, okay? And here’s your middle-class liberal. I went… I was suddenly engaging staff in banal conversation, going, “Flight on time?” They’re going, “Yeah.” “What’s the weather like in London?” Like they were gonna go, “It’s a bit cloudy, but… There he is!” Right? Didn’t happen. So I’m left there, right? I’m looking over at him and I’m thinking of all the… The running up to it and the week coming up to… All the news and everything. But now there’s a fight between good and evil, between rational and irrational. This one goes, “Ooh, that’s a suicide bomber.” “Oh, don’t be stupid. Of course it isn’t.” “It is.” “How do you know?” “That’s what they look like.” “What?” “Beard.” “Don’t be stupid, all right?” Then he makes a phone call. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but he sounded a bit angry. This one goes, “Oh, he made a phone call!” This one, “No, you just made a phone call.” “Yeah, but not in foreign.” “Shut up, all right? He’s been checked. Like the rest of us, he’s been checked.” “Did they check the beard?” “Yeah, they checked the beard. Yeah, they checked the beard.” Then I’m looking at him… Must have been absent-minded with all this going on in my head. He catches me looking and he does this. It goes, “Oh, he knows, he knows!” Right? This one goes, “No, he knows why you’re looking at him. He’s had that prejudice for months now. Stop looking at him.” “Ooh, the beard.” “Yeah… ” Right? But this one starts winning. The fear starts beating all the rational thought in the world. It starts going, “No, but it could be.” “Well yeah, it could be. Probably not.” “Well, no. The stats are up today.” “Yeah, but still, it won’t happen…” “Don’t say it won’t happen to us. The people of 9-11 said it wouldn’t happen to them.” “Yeah, but all the tests…” “Yeah well, they find new ways of getting through our detection. Then we have to up the game.” “Yeah, you’re right.” And suddenly I thought, “Oh my God, this is it. This is it.” That wave of nausea, and you suddenly realize, “Oh my God, I’m witnessing this…” this one goes, “Okay, right, let’s report him.” This one goes, “No.” “Why?” “In case someone think we’re racist.” “No, fuck that. Let’s report him and be a wrong, embarrassed, live racist, just in case.” And I go, “No.” So I don’t. And so now I think he is a suicide bomber. I think I’m gonna get on the plane and die, but I’m not gonna do anything about it. I’m nearly in tears. And all this happens in a few moments. I look over and he’s joined by his wife who’s got all the gear and his two little girls. And I suddenly go, “Oh, of course he’s not a fucking suicide bomber. If you’re off to see 72 virgins, you don’t take the wife and kids along.” Right? So… No. I got on the plane, and of course he wasn’t a terrorist. I was a bit embarrassed and I saw the funny side of it. I was relieved and everything. He was a businessman and a family man. He was playing with his two little girls who kept running up and down and banging into my chair. He wasn’t doing anything about that at all. Nothing about that at all. He was chasing ’em and they were squealing really high, going through… After half an hour, I was hoping someone would blow the fucking plane up, to be honest. But a really weird thing happened during that period. I got so paranoid about terrorist attack that I started taking private jets and helicopters everywhere, just because I was so rich. No no. No. No, again, my philosophy was I’m the only person on this plane and I definitely haven’t got a bomb, so we’re all right, you know. I was taking a helicopter one day and I was waiting on the helipad. Rewind two days before that. I’m at home, having my cereal, my cheerios, and there’s a carton of milk there with the missing person things on the back. And I’ve seen a thousand of them. This one was different because it was a missing child, which is always sadder. Well no, it’s sad when anyone goes missing. But presumably, because of her age, this was an abduction and, you know. It was also the language. It was a plea from the mother. It was the wording. She just said the name of the little girl, which I won’t say. I remember it, and the day and place where she was last seen. And she just said, “Five years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, always happy. Please help me.” And it must have stayed with me. Two days later, I’m there. It’s like a wharf development, waiting for this helicopter. And I’m looking down onto some disused warehouse space. I look in one, right? Someone had put up a brown blanket with this duct tape. It was like a curtain. And it had fallen away and I can see in. This is a true story. It’s an empty room apart from a mattress. And on the mattress is a little girl with her hands tied. And my fucking heart… Five years old, five years old. Blonde hair, blonde hair. Blue eyes, blue eyes. Always happy, crying her eyes out. What? It… it couldn’t have been her. I left it. Thanks very much. You’ve been amazing. Goodnight, Chicago. Cheers! Thank you. Cheers. Oh, thank… Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you. Cheers, everyone. Goodnight, everyone. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Louis C.K.: Live at the Beacon Theatre (2011) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-live-at-the-beacon-theatre-2011-full-transcript/

[indistinct chatter] — Louis! — Louis! [indistinct chatter] [cheering] Alright, let’s get started. Go ahead, sit down. Okay, yes, sit down, we’re just starting. There’s no opening act. Fuck it. Just, let’s start. Let’s just start. Get your seats. Get your beers and everybody go ahead, sit down. Kill the house lights. Let’s just start. Let’s just start a show. There’s no point in screwing around. I’ll do all the announcements that you would have heard. Please turn off your cell phones. You can take pictures but turn off the flash. That’s stupid, because it’s not– You know when you’re watching the World Series and there’s all that– Like your flash is lighting Yankee Stadium. Just leave your flash off. Don’t yell out during the show. If you have something you want to say to me… This is what we do. We write it down and then you go outside in the lobby and then you go home and you kill yourself because, that’s selfish. This is a rhetorical performance. It’s got nothing to do with you. Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Just, because also– also– it lights up your big dumb face. It lights it up. I see this beautiful see of darkness and then just one guy. So, don’t do that. What else? No Jews, I think they said that earlier. They told me I have to say it. Jews aren’t allowed. If you’re Jewish this is a good time to go. If you see somebody kind of Jewey looking then please tell an usher and they will– Sir, come on. Let’s go. Come on. Yes, let’s go. But, I’m really glad you’re here. This is a sizeable crowd. This is a big place. There’s about 2500 people here, and that’s– That’s a lot of people. That’s enough people to be a sample of the population. 2500 people is enough people that you’re all going to experience– There’s enough people here to say that within two months at least one of you will die. I’m just saying. I think it’s probably accurate to say that out of any random group of 2500 people not all of you are gonna make it to Christmas, unfortunately. There’s gonna be– At least one of you here tonight is going to ruin your family’s Christmas by dying a shitty death. And I don’t know who it is, I’m sorry. I don’t know, your death is whatever– Some people, they want you to do things when they die with their– “I want you to take my ashes and sprinkle–” Fuck you, I’m not doing none of that shit. You’re dead. I’m not going to run errands for you after you’re dead. You don’t matter anymore. Some people try to do something noble with their bodies. They try to have their bodies have some use after they’re dead, which I think is a good thought. You’re only borrowing your body. You’re only borrowing everything. If you’re body’s worth anything when you’re done with it you should pass it on. That’s something I really believe. I mean, I’m not going to do it, because I don’t want–eew–it’s mine. I don’t want– I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of them. That’s just the way I am. They’re just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They’re my little believes. They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want or I want to jack off or something, I fucking do that. But– But some people take their– my grandma, uh, grandmother She–just, uh, for the layman– My grandmother, she gave her body to a medical school for it just to be examined and dissected, which is a good thought for that. But you know her survivors are–her family— That was a person. That was my grandmother. She used to wear glasses and say things. And now she’s just shaved head on a metal table with a hungover medical student trying to dig our her pancreas. And he gets an “F”. Imagine being the body where the kid got an “F” on you. The teacher’s like, “No, you idiot.” And he writes “F” on her tit with a Sharpie and just throws her down a shoot on a pile of “F” bodies. So, I don’t care about her. [shout from audience] Louis! Shut up, idiot. Just shut your fucking mouth. Didn’t you hear me before? Okay, so what am I going to do with my body. I’m going to die and I have to tell people what to do with my remains. I have an idea for something to do with my body or for other people to do with it, that will do good in the world. It doesn’t exist yet as an institution but I’m gonna create it, starting with my body. What it is, it’s a place where you can go and be with a dead body and you just do whatever you want. And– the point of this is that there are people out there who have sexual compulsions and they can’t control them and so they go and they bother alive people. And with this you get it out of your system. This is the deal. You go in the room. There’s nobody else with you. You’ve got 90 minutes. You just do whatever you want, whatever it is. Shit in my mouth. You want to– Stick my toe in your pussy. Piss on my face. Whatever is the thing you gotta do. Jack off with the cartilage of my ear. Whatever is your heart’s desire. I want to be the Willy Wonka for perverts. [singing] You can come on my back and pretend that I’m your father. [singing] I am dead, I don’t mind. Sexual perversion is a problem. You can’t stop it. People gotta do what they gotta do. This country is pretty perverted. We have to jack off to everything. There’s not sex and then everything. Sex is in everything. You watch the news and there’s a woman telling you, “And in Libya…” Yeah tell me about Libya. Fucking tell me about Libya. Say, “Libya” again. Come on, fucking right up to the screen, on my flatscreen. Come on, say, “Libya” again. [grunting] It should just be a person, “In Libya…” or whatever. Why does it all have to be so sexualized? And music, every musician is attractive. Isn’t that a weird coincidence that everyone who can play music also looks good? I would have thought there’d be one ugly guy with a guitar who would be amazing. But, fucking zero. And there’s teen pop idols who are children. And they’re on TV going– It’s a kid and folks are jacking off to them. “Folks.” Just “Folks” are jacking off. [singing] Well, folks are jacking off to the girls on TV. Some of them are really young. I don’t know their names. I don’t have that knowledge anymore. I’m too old. When I think of a teen idol, there’s Britney Spears. Because she’s my age now. That’s how long ago that was. She caught up to me. When I was 35, she was 18. And now we’re both 44 years old. So that’s how little I know about who these people are. I was thinking the other day, what if there was a baby who was born and there’s been a lot of fucked up babies, all kinds of babies born. There’s been babies connected at the face, to a dog or whatever, babies with three legs, with hands on them. There’s been Chinese babies. That’s– Okay, that’s– That’s the worst thing I ever said. I think I just finally said the worst thing I have ever said. That was totally unredeeming and horrible. And it feels good. It feels good to have found bottom. There’s a comfort in knowing that I just said the worst thing I’ll ever say in the rest of my life. [exhaling] It’s good. All right. Yeah, I’m not a good guy. I am not. I wish I was a good guy. I like the idea of being a good guy. Sometimes I have the opportunity to be a good guy and then I don’t necessarily do it. I was on a plane once and I was flying first class, because I had a thing. I first class. Who cares? Just– That’s the way it is. I don’t– I’m not like you. I’m not. I’m not. All the things you do, I do a better version of all those things. And– It’s only for another year at the most, believe me. It’s not gonna last. It’s been about eight months. I’ve got a year left and then I’m back to being just like you. But for now, it’s pretty good. I’m in a first class seat and first class is so crazily better. It’s so much better. You get a bigger seat. You get food. But also, you get to sit first. You get to sit before anybody else does. They sit you down and you get to just sit there with champagne and watch all the sweaty, miserable, all the single moms hefting their stroller and the kid. “That looks heavy and nobody’s helping you. That’s a drag.” And you get to just– Anyway, so I’m on the plane. I’m in first class and this soldier gets on the plane. I see soldiers fly all the time because that’s how they get to the war. They fly on a shitty airline. You think they get to go on a cool green plane with a red light. “Go! Go! Go!” No, they just go to Delta. And they just wait in line to go to a war. And they always fly coach. I’ve never seen a soldier in first class in my life. It could be a full bird colonel, he’s between two fat guys in coach. And they’re always nice. I’ve never seen a soldier get on a plane– “Hey, I’m in the Army.” “Fuck you. I have a gun.” They’re always, “Oh, yes sir. Thank you very much ma’am.” It’s like having an extra flight attendant. They help everybody put their shit up. They’re awesome. And every time that I see a soldier on a plane, I always think, You know what, I should give him my seat. It would be the right thing to do. It would be easy to do and it would mean a lot to him. I could go up to him, “Hey, Son.” I get to call him, “Son.” “Hey, son, go ahead and take my seat.” Because I’m in first class, why, for being a professional asshole. I’m in first class because I talk about babies with big dicks. That’s what got me my seat. This guy is giving his life for the country, he thinks, and so he has to sit– But that’s good enough. That’s good enough, the fact that he thinks it. I’m serious. He’s fucking told by everybody in his life system that that’s a great thing to do and he’s doing it. And it’s scary but he’s doing it. And he’s sitting in this shitty seat and I should trade with him. I never have. Let me make that clear. I’ve never done it once. I’ve had so many opportunities. I never even really, seriously came close. And here’s the worst part. I still just enjoy the fantasy for myself to enjoy. I was actually proud of myself for having thought of it. I was proud. Ah, I am such a sweet man. That is so nice of me to think of that and then totally never do it. At least you should be good just to the people– Just turn a good face to the people that you see in life. I don’t do that either because when I get in the elevator in my building– That’s my first contact with human beings after being home and just being disgusting for hours. Then I come out of the elevator and there’s always a guy on the elevator who’s nice. And I hate it. I get really upset when people say nice things to me. That’s not a good impulse. I get in the elevator and there’s always this one guy who just– He sticks his face right in the front of his fucking head. “Hi!” He just floats it out there like a big balloon. “Hey, how’s it going?” I get upset. I get cagey. I get this weird impulse that I want to come on his face. I don’t know why that’s the thing, but that’s what I think about. I wish I could just secrete come without the sexual workup, like as a defense, like a squid or a skunk. Not sexually. I mean aggressively. “Hi!” [spurt] “Jesus, man.” “You just came in my eye.” I just want to go downstairs. I don’t want to talk. Alright, this is going a little off the rails. I don’t remember what I was trying to say. I’d like to be a better person. I would. I’d like to be a better person. And I think I’m getting worse as a person. Because as you get older you start finding out– Let me give you an example. I rented a car a couple weeks ago, in Los Angeles I had the car for a few days and then when I went home I had to drop the car at the rental place. You gotta go to the rental place that’s off the airport, give them the car, give them your thing with the mileage. You gotta get on a bus and then go to your terminal and check in. I was late and I was worried about missing my flight. So I knew I had no time to do any of that. So I just –I never did this before– I just drove my car right to the terminal and just left it there. Then I got on the plane. Once I got on the plane and had a moment I called Hertz and I said, Hey, listen, your car is sitting out in front of terminal four and the keys are in it. So, that’s where it is.” And the guy’s like, “You can’t do that.” “You have to return it to the location and then get–” Well, I didn’t do that already, and now I’m leaving California. So if you want your car you need to go to that place where it is. And he was like, “Awww, Jesus man.” “Well, alright. We’ll get it.” And he– That was the end of it. And I realized I could do this every time, every time I rented a car. Because of course they want you to do all that shit. But if you don’t they still want the car back. They’re going to send a dude. You could drive a car until you don’t want it. Just get out of it while it’s moving and just walk away. No, I don’t feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you’re interested. It’s now your problem. But see, this is a terrible realization because you should act in a way that if everybody acted that way things would work out. You should, because it would be mayhem if everybody was like that. And most people kind of don’t care. Most people are very selfish. Most people don’t give a shit what happens as long as they get to do their favorite thing. People don’t even want to back off from their favorite thing. They won’t even do their second favorite thing. You ever seen somebody in trouble, like they’re at an intersection and they want to make a left, but they’re in the right– the all the way right lane because they messed up. So, here’s the guy. He’s in the right lane. And there’s a lot cars, like 6th avenue. A lot of cars. And he wants to make that left. So what does he do? He just does it anyway. He just goes at it. He just shoves his car through everybody’s life without any– And everybody’s honking and outraged and you always see they guy go, “I have to. I have to.” “There’s no other possible thing I could do.” “What else could I do, except go up one more block and then go left and take four seconds.” “That’s not my favorite way, though!” “That only meets 99% of my criteria.” But I’m selfish. I would like to be a better person, because I have kids. And I want to pass on a better– Sometimes it’s not clear what the right thing is to do. One time I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I didn’t do it like, “Yeah!” I just– Yeah, take that shit, street. I did it because I was shaking. I wanted the candy. Anyway, I was with a friend who said to me, “You just littered on the street. Don’t you care about the environment?” And I thought about it and I said, You know what, this isn’t ‘The Environment’. This is New York City. This is not ‘The Environment’. This is where people live. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. It’s the giantest, next to Mexico City, the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smoking, stinking piece of litter. So if you have a piece of litter, what are you supposed to do with it? You should throw it on the pile of litter. Because if you don’t, if you put it in a receptacle then it gets collected and it gets taken to a dump and a landfill and then it goes on a boat. And it goes out and gets dumped in the ocean and some dolphin wears it as a hat on its face for ten years, this hat that never dissolves, on its face. Ugh. Jesus. [dolphin clicking] Everything that we introduce to the world is shitty… …meaning white people. Because– I really think that white people are from another planet because when we came to America, it was so nice. It was just Indians. And they weren’t even Indians. We called them that by accident. And we still call them that. We knew in a month that it wasn’t Indians but we just don’t give a shit. We never correct it. We came here. They’re like, “Hi.” And we’re like, “Hey, you’re Indians, right?” And they’re like, “No.” “No, this is India, right?” “No, it’s not. It’s a totally other place.” “You’re not Indians?” “No.” “Ahh, you’re Indians.” “You’re Indians for hundreds of years after.” We ruined everything here. This was the great– It was just coast-to-coast green, brown and beautiful. And all the humans were just walking around with painted faces, just walking. And they’d be like, “Oh, that looks yummy.” And they’d just eat from the ground. And then they’d sleep on the grass. And they’d wake up and they’d fuck. And then they’d go for a swim and do a little dance. That was the whole continent, just folks doing that. I mean there was people in Mexico cutting off kids’ heads and rolling them down the pyramid stairs. But that’s– I mean… That’s always going on. You know– You can’t do a whole lot about that. But I think we came from another planet and the reason is we don’t like it here. Why, if we’re from here, if we belong on Earth, why aren’t we comfortable on Earth, at all? We need nice smooth surfaces and right angles and we need it to be cool and not too hot, just a little dit-dit just perfect. Why wouldn’t, when it’s hot, why wouldn’t we just– “Yeah, fuck it.” Why wouldn’t we be like that if we belonged here? And it’s weird because people that are– You know, there’s environmentalists and there’s people who just hate environmentalists. People get angry at environmentalists because they think they’re slowing down the economy and creating restrictions and a lot of these people are Christian. A lot of these people are very devout Christians and that’s such a confusing thing to me, that if you believe that God gave you the Earth, that God created Earth for you, why would you not have to look after it? Why the fuck– Why would you not think that when he came back he wouldn’t go, “What the fuck did you do?” “I gave this to you, motherfucker. Are you crazy?” “The polar bears are brown.” “What did you do to the polar bears?” “Did you shit all over every polar bear?” “What did you–who did this? Who spilled this shit? Who spilled this?” “Come over here. Did you fucking spill this? What is that?” “It’s oil. It’s just some oil. I didn’t mean to spill–” “Well why did you take it out of the fucking ground?” “Because I wanted to go faster.” “I’m not fast enough.” “And I was cold.” “What the fuck do you mean, ‘cold’?” “I gave you everything you needed, you piece of shit.” “Well, because jobs, and I wanted–” “What is a job? Explain to me, what’s a fucking job?” “Well, like you work at a place and people call when their game doesn’t work and you help them figure it out.” “What do you do that for?” “For money.” “What do you need money for?” “Food.” “Just eat the shit on the floor.” “I left shit all over the floor.” “Fucking corn and wheat and shit. Grind it up, make some bread. What are you doing?” “Yeah, but it doesn’t have, like, bacon around it.” “And like– I like when it has bacon on it.” I watched somebody do that the other day after a meal they went, “Oh, it was just–” And I started wondering, what does that mean? What does that signify? I think what it means is that you ate something so delicious that you then kissed somebody on the asshole and their asshole exploded. That’s some good eating. That’s a nice sauce. “Is that good?” “Yeah, let me show you.” “Shit. Let me have some of that.” That just destroyed my anus. Anyway, I got kids and that’s sort of what I’m trying to say. It’s hard having kids because it’s boring. That really is the hardest part of having kids. Ask any parent, What’s the hard part? Is it looking after their health care? Is it making sure that their education– No, it’s being with them on the floor while they be children. It’s just– They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page. And you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time. I hate Clifford the Big Red Dog. I hate him. There’s 50 books about Clifford the Big Red Dog. Fifty books. There’s seven books about Narnia that cover the birth and death of a nation and mice with swords and a lion who’s a god. They did it in seven books. Fifty books about Clifford the Big Red Dog, and they all tell the exact same story. Look how big this dog is. That’s it. Look how big this dog is. That’s the whole book. Here’s how big he was at the firehouse. Here’s how big he was at Thanksgiving. Who gives a shit? You just drew him big. You just, on purpose, made him bigger than people. It should be, “Look how big I drew the dog in this book.” “Isn’t that a mistake?” There’s no story. You maybe even just drew him closer to the page. I don’t even know if you did it honestly. Tell a story about Clifford. Make something happen, where maybe he steps on a policeman and shatters his spine and it’s devastating to the community. He hangs on for two months and then dies. And there’s a whole, you know, funeral with bagpipes and everybody’s crying. And Clifford gets the death penalty. There’s a whole book about his appeal process and how he found Jesus but everybody said it was bullshit. The cop’s wife was like, “I want that dog dead!” And then he goes to the chair and they shave all his red fur off and now he’s Clifford the Big Pink Dog. Put him on a big funny electric chair that the town got together and built. It’s boring having kids. You gotta play kid games. You gotta play board games, little kid board games where you– And then you go dit-dit-dit You got a six, honey. One. Two. Three. It’s just here. Just go here. It’s just– Daddy, I’m learning. I know. You’re going to grow up stupid because I’m bored. I can’t take it, baby. I can’t. I can’t watch it. I’m bored more than I love you. I can’t. I just– Come on. My girls are six and nine now. They’re actually a really exciting age because they’re learning to do some cool stuff. I played Monopoly with my kids. That’s really fun. My nine year old, she can totally do Monopoly. The six year old actually totally gets how the game works but she’s not emotionally developed enough to handle her inevitable loss in every game of Monopoly. Because, a Monopoly loss is dark. It’s heavy. It’s not like when you lose at Candyland. Oh, you got stuck in the fudgey thing, baby. Oh, well. You’re in the gummy twirly-ohs and you didn’t get to win. But when she loses at Monopoly I gotta look at her little face and go, Okay, sweetie, here’s what’s gonna happen now, okay? All your property, everything you have, all your railroads, your houses, all your money, that’s mine now. Gotta give it all to me. No, give it to me. That’s right. No, no you can’t play anymore, see, because even though you’re giving me all of that it doesn’t even touch how much you owe me. It doesn’t even touch it, baby. You’re going down hard. It’s really bad. All you’ve been working for all day, I’m going to take it now and I’m going to use it to destroy your sister. I mean, I’m going to ruin her. It’s just mayhem on this board for her now. When you have kids you also have to belong to kid and parent culture. You have to know a lot of parents and a lot of other kids. You have to hang out with other kids. Sometimes they’re not even kids you know. When I go to parks with my kids, I play with them. I play with my kids. Some people don’t do that. They just take their kids to the park so they don’t have to talk to them, and those kids kind of glom on to our shit. I’ll be sitting at the park playing a fun game with my kids and there’s this woman on a bench. She’s got her phone and she’s just staring at her phone. And her kid’s like, “Mommy, talk to me.” “Leave me alone. I’m trying to cheat on your father! Stop it!” And then the kid comes up to us, “Can I be in your family?” It’s creepy. One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she’s kicking. It was so much fun. And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It’s like a rat. Get off of me. “But I love you.” I don’t know you, kid. Stop. I think that kid’s dead. I don’t know what happened. Some kids in my kid’s class, I like some of those kids. Some of those kids are cool. They come over to my house and they play with my–I like them. Other kids I don’t like, especially the little boys. Little boys in my kid’s class, I hate them. I hate little boys. I’m like the opposite of a pedophile. I just hate– There’s one kid in my daughter’s class who I hate so much, and it’s really fucked up because I’m 44 and I hate a six year old. I mean, I hate him with a grown-up, pre-occupying hate. I’ve thought about him three times since I came out here. That’s how much I really hate this kid. I’m going to tell you about him and I have to make up a name because he’s a real child who lives in this city, so I have to make up a name in order to tell this story about him. His name is just, Jezanthepuss. Let’s just call him Jezanthepuss. Jezanthepuss. Fine. Okay. He’s in my daughter’s class. They’re in first grade. When we take our kids to class, there’s a little procedure. You bring your kid to school and they have their backpack and their jacket and they go to their cubby and take it all off and they put it in the cubby. Then they take their homework folder and their lunchbox and put them in the bins. Those are their little responsibilities. You help them do it so they’ll, blah blah blah. But, Jezanthepuss– When he comes in he doesn’t do none of that shit. He just walks in and just sheds it all. And his mom, his weak, piece of shit mom picks it all up. I hate his mother because you hate a weak parent, when you’re a parent. Because it’s like you’re raising Hitler, motherfucker. Do your job! Get in there. If our parent group and our class were a platoon of soldiers, she’d be the one that we’d put soap bars in socks and– We’d frag that bitch in her sleep. She would wash right the fuck out. She wouldn’t make it. When Jezanthepuss drops his shit, this bitch picks it up. She just goes, “He just… I’ll get…” “I’ll get it…” “And then I’ll put it in the bins for him.” And she puts it all away for him, which frees him up to punch other kids in the face because he’s a shitty, horrible, violent child. One time I was at school, and I was volunteering at recess. It’s something you do, you know, if you’re a good parent, about once a month or whatever it is. You go to school and you just stand there and you watch recess. You masturbate, whatever you want to do. That is now the worst thing. That’s the worst thing. Now that’s the worst thing I ever said. Okay. Alright. We’ll find it. I mean you could. It’s a public school nobody would even give a shit. But, I haven’t thus far. It hasn’t gotten that bad. Anyway, I’m watching recess and recess is a trip. If you’ve never been to recess, it’s intense because it’s like the universe. You know if you watch the ocean crash, waves on the beach for a long time, you start feeling like you’re understanding how everything works. That’s what recess is like, because every natural, chaotic energy is represented at recess. There’s kids swirling around in these big roiling crazy things. There’s one kid just spazzing out just to some singularity kid. It’s a binary system of two kids holding hands and they’re running and just clotheslining every child of a certain height. They’re keeping a uniform height to the playground. So I’m watching recess and I see Jezanthepuss. And he’s walking with this evil– This kid is like evil stuck out of time. He’s like– I always picture him in a gray fur coat with bones in it, and lots of rings from people that he killed, and just walking. And then I see my daughter and she’s standing there, just by herself. And there’s Jezanthepuss and I know he’s going for her. It was like an action movie thriller thing. And I think to myself, I gotta go there and I gotta protect her. But then I thought, let him do a little something first. Let him do just a little something, because I want this kid in my life. I want a reason. I want aerial photos of him doing some shit to my family that I can bring to the U.N. and get authority to waterboard this little motherfucker. I want to– I want to get him on a flight to Venezuela with an envelope on his head and duct tape and all that shit. So, anyway, he goes for her, grabs her arm, starts twisting it. She goes, “Ahhh!” I run over. I’m just knocking kids over. I run, grab him. I look in his little face and I go, Listen to me, Jezanthepuss. If you ever, ever, in your life, touch her again– And as I’m doing this I realize this is not cool that doing this. This is totally inappropriate. It’s really wrong. It’s way over the top. It’s too grown up. It’s like he’s a drug dealer in my building that I finally fucking– “This ends now, motherfucker or I will cut you. I don’t care.” And he’s– He starts crying pitifully. And I just, I really did this, I just walked away from him. I just got away. And then all the teachers– everybody gathers around. Jezanthepuss, what’s wrong with you? And he’s like– And he couldn’t articulate it because he’s not getting educated. Fuck him. I was there going, Yeah, you could have told on me bitch, but you’re too stupid now, which is your own fault, you future ditchdigging piece of shit. Oh, I’m going to love watching you grow up into nothing, motherfucker. I’m gonna watch it. I’m gonna fuck your mom and not call her too. I’m gonna ruin her summer. I’m gonna fuck your mom twice and then never call her. I don’t know your dad because he ran out on you, but I’m gonna find him. I’m gonna turn myself gay and then I’m going to fuck him too. I’m gonna fuck– I’m gonna suck his dick so good that he just has to change his whole life. And I’m gonna move into a place with him in the village for a couple of months and totally– He’ll cut off ties to all his life and start wearing cut-offs that are really tight. And he’ll just– And then I’ll go to some Christian turn-you-not-gay place. And then I’ll come back and go, “What’s wrong with you fag*ot?” Make him feel bad inside, like what has he done. But you gotta protect your kids, you know. You gotta. You gotta protect your kids. You gotta do it, man. A lot of people will talk the talk. A lot of people say that shit. “I would throw myself under a bus for my–” Oh, yeah, would you fuck another kid’s dad, and confuse him sexually, and yourself sexually in the process, and use homophobia that you hate, against another person, just because some kid shoved your kid for a second? That’s my baby girl. I gotta do it, son. I gotta suck that dick. That’s my baby girl. I gotta do it for her. Alright. Alright. Alright, I hate that child. That’s what I’m trying to say. I’ve been thinking about my memories because I have kids now. And my kids are at an age where I remember being their age. I remember being a six year old. I remember being a nine year old. And that’s a big threshold that my kids have crossed, that I remember being their age. Because when you’re raising kids, you’re not raising the kid in front of you. You’re raising the grown up that they’re going to be later. And I was a kid once. When they were babies, I didn’t really relate to them because they’re babies. A baby is not going to remember shit that is happening to it. If you have a baby, keep it alive and enjoy yourself. But really, the baby doesn’t– It’s not going to matter. A baby is not accumulating anything. It’s like an Etch A Sketch that you shake every day. It doesn’t really– It doesn’t matter. You could go up to your baby’s face every day and say, “Fuck you, baby.” every day and it wouldn’t matter. Hey, baby! You could do that every day and it wouldn’t matter. I mean, they’ll grow up with a general sadness inside. But they won’t– They won’t actually remember why. And memories are weird because memories get distorted by who you are now and who you were when you experienced them. I remember when I first started doing stand-up. I was living in Boston and there was one club that was owned by a gay guy. And my memory is that that guy was always trying to fuck me. That’s my memory. I’ve carried it for 20 years. There was a gay guy who tried to fuck me all the time. And recently I caught up with an old friend of mine from those days, who I hadn’t seen in years. And we started talking about different people and he brought him up. And I said, “That guy always used to try to fuck me.” And he goes, “He did?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he goes, “Really? Did he–” “I mean, did he like take you to his house or something and really try to physically…” No, it’s just that, you know what I mean. He was trying to fuck me all the time.” And he was like, “Well did he say– Did he push you– and say stuff all the time and make you uncomfortable?” No, it just was– And as we went through it, the truth came out. The whole story really was, there once was a gay man. That’s it. That’s really what happened. He was gay. I was 19. And now, “He tried to fuck me all the time.” I went through life with that. But I’ve been trying to remember my first memory. How far do my memories go? And I remembered my first memory. I was four years old. I was standing in front of my parents’ house and I was shitting in my pants. I was just shitting a massive, terribly painful shit. And I was half way through the shit. That’s my first memory, being half way– The first half of the shit, I don’t remember it. That’s still in the ether of infancy. The center of this shit was so wide that I actually came online as a result of the anal pain that I was experiencing. It actually awakened me –Yee-aahhh– into the stream of consciousness that I’m now living. That’s how my life started. That’s who I am. A lot of my memories I don’t like. I don’t like– When I was a teen-ager I hated all that time. I hated being a teen-ager, and then I discovered drugs. And then that’s all I gave a shit about. I don’t know how I’m gonna tell my kids. How the fuck do you compete with that. How do you take a miserable person with no control over their lives and tell them with a straight face, Uh, You can’t do drugs. You can’t do that, baby. All drugs are, are a perfect solution to every problem you have right now. How do you beat that? Drugs are so fucking good that they’ll ruin your life. That’s how good they are. I can’t do drugs now because I’m 44 and I can’t hook it up. I can’t make that happen. If you’re 44 and you want to get high, you gotta hurt your back. That’s pretty much the only option you have. Hurt your back, get some Percoset. And then get a babysitter and take three at a diner. Just, sad. I’m a little drowsy, woooo! I never really could have– I wish I was a drunk. I love romantically the idea of being a real drunk, in my bathrobe all day. Everybody who love’s me is always crying. “He’s destroying himself. I can’t watch anymore.” Shut up then. Showing up at my kids school play half way through. “You show ’em who you are, baby.” I wish I could be that guy. But I can’t drink because I just get tired. I go to sleep. I don’t know how people drink and then do shit. When I see movies or TV shows where there’s people in an office having a power meeting and they’re –clink clink– They’re making a drink in the daylight with a tie on. “Well, Senator, I hope you play ball with us on this construction deal, if you know what I’m saying.” “Yeah, we’ll see what’s in it for me.” How is the next scene not all those people just lying on the floor going, “Oh, fuck” “I can’t believe I drank whiskey at noon.” I can’t smoke pot because– It’s the same thing. I’m too old for it. Sometimes young people come up to me after shows. “Hey, do you want to smoke some pot.” I’m like, Can I get my portion to smoke without you, alone, later, because I don’t want to stand in a parking lot with some twenty year-olds. Last time I got high I was in Kansas City. And I got high because I was in Kansas City. It was shitty. So after the show, these kids that worked at the club were like, “You want to smoke some pot?” I’m like, “Yes.” So, I’m standing in a parking lot with these kids, like 20 years old, and we’re smoking a joint. And I’m taking huge hits because I had no idea. I didn’t know they had been working on this shit like it’s the cure for cancer. I didn’t understand the fucking technology that’s gone into making pot so powerful. Because when I was a kid you could just smoke a joint for a while. Now you take two hits and you go insane. It’s not doable anymore. And I was taking big hits, like big 1970’s, jean jacket, Bad Company hits. [singing] Here come the Jesters, one, two, three. [singing] It’s all part of my fantasy. And I’m like, “Yeah” And even the kid with the wooden hole of no ear the absense of flesh in his ear, with wood. I don’t know what that is. Even he was like, “You should be careful. That’s a lot of pot. That’s very strong marijuana.” Yeah, I’m fine. [singing] “Running with the devil.” And in about ten seconds, everything just– And I’m like, “Oh, shit.” This is an ordeal now. I’m not going to feel okay for a very long time. [sigh] And everybody’s just standing around and talking. And I’m hoping, I’m really hoping, that I look like this. But I’m pretty sure that I was just scanning insanely. I was actually counting. Look at her for five… four… three… two… …one. Switch to him. Five… four… three… …two. Randomize. Don’t go in the same direction. Five… four… …three. Nod your head. That looks like you’re listening if you nod your head. And at one point I realized, I need to get out of here, because the air is hitting my arm weirdly and they can tell. They totally know that I am not handling the way air is touching my arm right now. Why am I doing that with my hand. That’s weird to do with your hand. Nobody stands like this. Nobody stands like this. Just fucking– No, that’s also– That’s weird too. That’s crazy. Just– Shit. I gotta go. But I didn’t know how to leave, because I had this dilemma. We’re all standing in a perfect circle, facing each other. And I thought it’s going to be insane if I just turn my– I’m one person with my back now. Do I just back away like this and hope that they fill in? And then I thought, no, say something. Say something out loud to them that smooths the transition of you leaving. Okay, what do I say? Pick a thing to say. Goodbye. That’s a nightmare. That’s just… Goodbye? That’s not even– that’s just noises. Finally I walked away and I said, “I’m leaving!” I know it was that bad because they all went, “Whoa. Shit. Okay. Alright. Whoa.” I’ll never see those people again as long I live. And then I had to get in the car. I forgot that I had rented a car and I have to drive back to the hotel. And I’m driving on this highway in Missouri. And at one point I realized, I think it’s been about 25 minutes since I had looked out the front window of this car. I’ve just been dealing with shit directly in– Oh, shit. There’s a whole spectrum of responsibility out here. I’m supposed to take part in this. And then at one point I remember I was at a drive through, and I was terrified. Because there’s a lady sticking her head out a window. And she’s mad. She’s going, “Sir!” “Sirrr!” I just kept saying, I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know! I had the window closed. I had no fucking idea. What part of the transaction am I–? Did I pay yet? Have I ordered? Have I been sitting here for 40 minutes just eating at the window, and I ate the paper and everything? “Sirrr!” And I just went, I don’t know! I don’t want it! And I just fucking bolted. So I can’t do that anymore. But you get older and some things you can’t do anymore. Some things you don’t want to do anymore. It’s a nice change. You feel some desires fall away. New things make you happy. But some things don’t change and some things I’m sick of. Like the constant just the constant perverted, sexual thoughts. I’m so tired of those. Just the constant– Suck it. It just makes me into an idiot. I’m jacking off to morons. “Look at my tits.” Yeah, your tits are awesome. It’s just a dumb part of life that I’m sick of. It’s all day too. It’s just– You can’t have a day. I just want to be a person in clothes walking in a store and just– I just want to go to the library and ask for– Hi, ma’am, is there– I’m looking for a book about early Abraham Lincoln, like when he was– I wish I could wrap your hair around my dick and– Oh, shit. I’m trying to talk to her! [sigh] That’s really a male problem. It’s really a male problem, not being able to control your constant sexual impulse. Women try to compete. “Well, I’m a pervert. You don’t know.” “I have really sick sexual thoughts.” No, you have no idea. You have no idea. See, you get to have those thoughts. I have to have them. You’re a tourist in sexual perversion. I’m a prisoner there. You’re Jane Fonda on a tank. I’m John McCain in the hut. It’s a nightmare. I can’t lift my arms. And for men, sex just is such a constant thing. It’s not even sex to us. It’s just pussy. That’s what we call it. Pussy… it has nothing to do with women. It’s not about girls or chicks like it was in the 50’s. There’s no guys anywhere in the world saying, “Let’s go meet some chicks and kiss them on the mouth and see what happens.” There’s none of that. “Mmmm, I sure would like to have my arm around a girl.” “Mmmm, Vanessa, I love–” No, it’s not. It’s just pussy. Pussy. It’s not even a pussy. It’s not some peoples’ pussies. It’s just pussy. Like big pink balloon letters in front of our faces all the time. To men it’s just an element of the universe, like it should be on the chart of the elements next to tin and ammonia. P-y with an atomic weight of 12 or whatever pussy atoms weigh. The sad thing is that for all our obsession about sex and how much we love it, we suck at it. Men are terrible at sex. It never even occurs to us to do it well. Women just make sex great. Women are the good part of sex. They accept the dick with grace and they turn it into art. Or they climb on and they ride. They go for a ride. Men don’t. We just climb on. [grunting] I’m putting my dick in you. Put it in. Shove it in. Shove it. [grunting] You ever fuck when you’re out of shape? You’re like, “Ugh, shit. This is–” My stomach muscles are not strong. [grunting] We’re so bad at sex and then we wonder why women aren’t really aggressive about sex. We think it’s because they don’t have as much desire as we do. That’s how stupid men are. We think they’re just weird. “Women are fucked up in the head, because they don’t want to just fuck all the time.” “If I was a women, I’d just fuck everybody.” “Why don’t they want to fuck all the time? I do.” Of course you do, because when you fuck, you get to fuck a woman. When she fucks, she has to fuck a guy. Wildly different experience. For a man, 100% of the time he’s fucking a woman it’s the greatest thing that ever happened in his entire life. For a woman, about 40% of the time she’s being fucked by a guy she’s thinking, “I’ll get over this in a week. It’s not the worst thing.” “I’m not going to cry this time.” Another thing that proves how bad men are at sex is that after sex you’re looking at two very different people. The man just wants to lay there and be cool and the woman wants to cuddle. It’s something that men love to make fun of women for. “They always want to cuddle. It’s so needy.” “I already fucked you. Just let me watch the game.” “I’m so cool.” “What are you thinking about?” “Shut up. Leave me alone.” “Why is she so needy?” She’s not needy, you idiot. She’s horny, because you did nothing for her. You did absolutely nothing. Her pussy is on fire because it’s gone unfucked completely. Of course you’re fine, because you climbed on and went– and then rolled off. And she’s on you because she’s going, “What the–? Something else has to happen!” “This is bullshit!” If you fuck a woman well she will leave you alone. “Thanks a lot, buddy.” [snoring] Thanks a lot, folks. I hope you enjoyed the show. You guys were great. Thank you very very much. Good night.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

GEORGE CARLIN: CARLIN ON CAMPUS (1984) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-carlin-campus-1984-full-transcript/

[School bell] Welcome to the home of the class clown, the theater of suppressed laughter. When you were in school, did you notice that simply because you weren’t allowed to laugh, it made the laughing that much better. That there was something about trying to hold it in that made you laugh even harder. And it wasn’t just in school, church was the same way. In fact, church was even better because in church, there was the additional possibility of perhaps being stricken dead by an angry God. Well, Catholic schools combined the two things, religion and the classroom, an extra challenge for the resourceful class clown. Now, class clowns probably had a lot of reasons for doing what they did, but for my part, I always enjoyed getting laughs because usually the person who laughed was the one who got in trouble. I could whip a quick face on Roger, hey Roger, and then Roger would be suddenly leaving the classroom, accused of having no self-control. Hey, I figured if I’m not gonna get an education, why should anybody else. Probably the best attention getter of all was the old reliable artificial fart under the arm. It wasn’t really a special skill, lots of people could do it, but class clowns could do it a little quicker, and a little louder. And who else but the class clown would have his shirt specially made for easy access. No fumbling, no missed opportunities, just reach in and squeeze off a few. I don’t care, I’m glad she kicked me out, I didn’t wanna be in there anyway. Now I can go where I always wanted to go, where I really belong. Hey there, how are you? Howdy. Thank you very much. How are you? Hello, over there, everybody. Howdy, howdy, howdy, howdy. Nice to see you all. Hello. Hello there, thank you, thank you. Nice of you. Thanks a lot, thank you. Seem like you’re ready for some fun. Yeah. Well, you know, they say blondes have more fun. Unfortunately, they also have more VD. Just kind of goes with the territory, you know? I’ll tell you something else, between herpes and AIDS, I don’t care if I ever get laid again as long as I live. And I’m certainly not gonna be humping any Haitian hemophiliac homosexual heroin addicts. Tell you one good thing about herpes though, finally the people from Brooklyn have a disease they can mispronounce. Herpes. That’s the first one they’ve had like that since, uh, tuberculosis. They gave me something here to, uh, bring to your attention. This is, oh, I see, a message from the National Pancake Institute, and it says, “fuck waffles.” Something you might wanna keep in mind when you drop into Denny’s a little later in the evening. Actually, uh, if you don’t mind, I’d like to begin the show with a prayer. Uh, I’m not too sure about prayer in school, but I definitely believe in prayer in comedy. Some nights it’s absolutely necessary. So this is a little prayer I wrote myself. I don’t mean I wrote it to myself, I mean me, myself personally, I wrote the goddamn prayer. And it’s dedicated to the separation of church and state. “Our Father who art in heaven, and to the Republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible, as it is in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. And crown thy good into temptation, but deliver us from the twilight, amen.” Just a little way to start. I don’t believe you’re supposed to cheer a prayer, but we do still have time for a quick Hail Mary. Hail Mary! Not quite that quick, sir. Those of you who are Catholic will recognize the quick Hail Mary. “Hail Mary full of our death, amen.” Actually, there’s a quicker version… “H-amen.” That’s the one you say when you’re falling from a truck. And now, God, my requests, I always save my requests for after the formal prayers, don’t you? Sets him up. Please God, let me do a good show tonight. Don’t let me be an asshole. Don’t let anyone yell, too late… Too late. – And punish those who do. Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room, don’t let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a French tickler and a space helmet, don’t let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus, and don’t let me be hit by a flying turd. Help me find some shoes I really like, help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership. Don’t let me catch VD from a female welder, don’t let me catch VD from a male welder. Give Barry Manilow a boil on his ass. And if it’s at all possible, God, please try to make all of our sex organs even larger than you did the first time. Well, I always like to throw in one request that everyone else can get in on, too, you know? So I say live and let live, that’s my motto, live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. Just had, uh, just, you know, it’s weird, just had that little feeling, you ever get that funny little, that kind of feeling, that vuja de? You know, not deja vu, this is vuja de. This is the strange feeling that somehow none of this has ever happened before. And then it’s gone, you know? By the way, ladies and gentlemen, this is our 200th show in a series of 114, and is dedicated to the St. Louis Home For The Totally Fucked. All proceeds from the show will be going to help fight a terrible affliction, frothing at the crotch. Well, it was either that or inverted nipples, you know? Let me ask you a personal question, have you ever tried to fart and blow your nose at the same time? You can’t do them together, can you? It’s like you’re afraid you’ll lose complete control and wind up cleaning far more of the house than you had intended. Yeah, I got little things over here. This is my office over here. You notice that? It’s gotta be my office, right? Sure, if that’s my job, it’s gotta be my office. Looks like a office to me. Got the water cooler here. That’s the first thing I always looked for when I worked in an office, you know, the water cooler, little place to hang out in between periods of making believe I was working. Actually, it’s just a little place for my stuff, you gotta have that, you gotta have a little place to put your stuff during the day, during the evening, whatever it is, don’t ya? Sure. Everybody’s gotta have a little place for their stuff, that’s all life is about. That’s the meaning of life, trying to find a place to keep your stuff. That’s all your house is, think of it, that’s all your house is, it’s a place to keep your stuff. If you didn’t have so much goddamn stuff, you wouldn’t need a house. You could just walk around all the time. That’s all your house is, it’s a pile of stuff with a cover on it. That’s all your house is, it’s a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. Sometimes you gotta move, sometimes you gotta move, you gotta get a bigger house. Why? Too much stuff. Now, sometimes you go on vacation, you gotta bring some of your stuff with you. You can’t take all your stuff, just the stuff you really like, the stuff that fits you good that month. You gotta take a smaller version of your stuff. Say you’re gonna go to Honolulu for two weeks, two weeks in Honolulu, you gotta take two big bags of stuff. You get to Honolulu, you fly halfway across an ocean, and you get to Honolulu, get in the hotel room and you put away your stuff, that’s the first thing you do in a hotel room is put away your stuff. I’ll put some stuff here, I’ll put some stuff there, you put your stuff over there, I’ll put my stuff over here. Here’s another place to put some stuff. Here’s another place over here. Hey, we got more places than we got stuff. We’re gonna have to buy more stuff. But you put your stuff away, and you know that you’re a long way from home, and you don’t quite feel 100 percent at home, but you know that you must be okay because you do have some of your stuff with you. And you begin to relax, you know, I feel okay, hey. That’s when your friend from Maui calls up, says hey, why don’t you come over to Maui for the weekend, spend a couple of nights over here. Oh, shit, now what do I bring? Can’t bring all this stuff. Right, you’ve gotta bring an even smaller version of your stuff, just enough stuff for a weekend on Maui. And you go over to Maui, and you’re really spread out now, you’ve got shit all over the world. You’ve got stuff in the mainland, stuff in Honolulu, you got stuff with you, supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. But you get over there to Maui and they give you a little place to sleep, you know, a little window sill and you put your stuff, because you don’t have much stuff now, on the window sill. You put your favorite stuff, your jumbo size Visine, your trim nail clippers, your odor eaters 45-day guarantee, and your Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray. And you begin to relax, you know? That’s when your friend says, hey, I think tonight we’ll go over to the other side of the island, visit my friend, maybe stay over. Oh, shit. Now what do you bring? Well, now you just bring the things you know you’re gonna need: Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hankie, pens, cigarettes, contraceptives, Vaseline, whips, chains, whistles, dildoes and a book. Maybe a little dental floss, depending on who’s on the other side of the island. It’s-no-bullshit. The Curran Family of Boston, Massachusetts had to leave their dog, Ma Barker, behind when they moved across the country to Seattle. Two weeks after they arrived at their new home, the dog showed up in Dallas, Texas. By mistake, she had taken Interstate 44 out of St. Louis. It’s-no-bullshit. In Alton, Illinois, a farmer named Cliff Miller found an ear of corn with a hearing aid growing out of it. It’s-no-bullshit. The Zomoro Tribe in Central Africa is slowly dying out because at 13 years of age, they initiate their young by putting them to death. It’s-no-bullshit. Empress Minutia of Ancient Sumetria ruled for 71 years without once going to the bathroom. She believed the devil lived in the toilet. It’s amazing, it’s astounding, but it’s-no-bullshit. Sure, sure, what are you crazy, hey, get out of here. Sometimes I go like this. And then I wonder why. Have you noticed that mice have no shoulders at all? You put a necklace on a mouse, it goes right down to his waist. They think it’s a belt, what do they know, they’re fucking mice, you know? Have you ever owned one of those little dogs, you know? One of those over-bred dogs. One of those dogs that just shakes and pisses all the time? And you have to take him out for a pull, come on, you, come on, you asshole. Those little dogs, you know what they do? Just before they take a shit they go like this. I get out of the way, you know, whoa, look out. Get behind a tree, hold the leash, you know? I had a little dog named Tippy who, uh… well, it’s just one of the dogs I had in my life. That’s what’s great about dogs, they don’t live too long and you can go and get another one. But Tippy was great and so nice, and one time, one time I fed Tippy Cracker Jacks, cause that’s what I was having. Hey, it sounded like a good meal to me, you know? Cracker Jacks and tap water. She ate about a box and a half of Cracker Jack, and the next day I took her for a walk, she took a Cracker Jack. Cracker Jack was coming out of my dog. I was waiting for the surprise, hoping it wasn’t a whistle or a bird call. There’s certain basic hygiene that you simply have to follow, you know? A lot of your comedians, they come out and all they’re trying to do is tell jokes. Bullshit. I try and have a little helpful stuff. Consumer hints, you might call them. I’m a bit of a consumer advocate, you know? I care about those things. What you gotta do in the marketplace to stay alive. I mean, not just getting ripped off, but you gotta be a defensive shopper now. Tylenol is what started me on this whole thing. Is that a Tylenol? Whoa, goddamn, that was cyanide they were putting in there. You know, hey, shit, I’d rather have a headache. To me I figure, hey, maybe the headache will go away. That cyanide shit hangs on. I certainly hope those people don’t get to the Preparation H real soon, I’ll tell you that. Hey, that’s all it takes is one Crazy Glue freak, you know what I mean? That’s right. The whole society would come to a halt, believe me. Do you realize that Ex Lax is really just old bad chocolate that gives you the runs? A lot of people aren’t aware of this stuff. Let me ask you a breakfast question, what wine goes with Captain Crunch? I have trouble selecting a wine in the mornings. Sometimes I give up all together and smoke a bong full of Fruit Loops and go on back to bed, you know? Yeah! Smoke a bong full of Fruit Loops, go back to bed and watch the Midmorning Movie. Call into work, call into work around 11:00 o’clock, tell the boss you smoked some Fruit Loops and you’re watching a movie, and you’ll be in around 2:00 o’clock if you feel like it. That’s the way you gotta treat the boss, you can’t take shit from a guy just because you work for him. Let him know who the real boss is, tell him it’s your job. Hey, it’s my job, I’ll do it my way! That’s what they like, snappy answers. Even if you’re just going in for a job interview, let him know what kind of a guy you are, have a beer can opener and a bunch of swizzle sticks sticking out of your pocket up here. Let him know you consider partying to be sort of a career of its own. And you’d like an office right near the front so you can get the fuck out at 5:00 o’clock in a big, big hurry, you know what I mean, I ain’t staying around here. Tell him what’s happening, then ask him politely what his attitude is on Monday and Friday absenteeism. Tell him you don’t need a two-martini lunch, but you gotta have a one-joint coffee break. Let him know you’d like to start next month, but you must be paid immediately. Then if you still don’t have the job, point to the picture on his desk and say, who’s the cunt? That’ll get you right in. Probably have a nice long career with that company. Well… I noticed another one of these has, um, come in. This one is from the National Waffle Institute. I wonder what this one says; “French toast sucks.” Well, I have these notes and I look at them now and then, but most of the time I know them anyway. Reminds me of something my grandfather used to say, he used to say I’m going upstairs and fuck your grandmother. Well, he was an honest guy, you know? He wasn’t gonna lie to a little kid. I’ve been feeling strange lately, my jock came back from the laundry with teeth marks in it, you know? We take that as an omen in my family. You ever see a guy like this? Gee, I hope I don’t. Let’s do this tomorrow. Everybody let’s do this tomorrow at 3:00 o’clock. Perhaps no one will know why. Think for a moment about the concept of the flame thrower. Okay, the flame thrower. Because we have them. Well, we don’t have them, the Army has them. That’s right, we don’t have any flame throwers. I’d say we’re fucked if we have to go up against the Army, wouldn’t you? But we have flame throwers, and what this indicates to me, it means that at some point, some person said to himself, gee, I sure would like to set those people on fire over there, but I’m way too far away to get the job done. If only I had something that would throw flame on them. Well, it might have ended right there, but he mentioned it to his friend, his friend who was good with tools. And about a month later he was back, hey, quite a concept. And of course, the Army heard about it and they came around We’d like to buy about 500,000 of them, please. We have some people we’d like to throw flame on. Give us 500,000 and paint them dark brown. We don’t want anyone to see them. Camouflage, what a great idea, camouflage. Have you noticed in the television film from Beirut they have on camouflage suit. There aren’t fucking trees within 25 miles of Beirut, man. They should have store fronts and car grilles on there, you know? Disco. Uh, you wanna go for a ride, you wanna go for a ride. Let me go, let me get this. Let’s go for a ride, okay? Well, actually, you’ll go for a ride, I’ll go for a drive. The person who drives the car, they’re the one who goes for a drive. The other people, they go for a ride. People don’t know that, tell them when they’re in your car. Say, you assholes are going for a ride, I’m going for a drive, cause I’m making the payments on this. And this is my car, for purposes of discussion. And it’s like any car, it’s tough to get into it. You know, you gotta get in the car first. And it’s not easy if you think about it, there’s a certain amount of risk involved getting in the car. Have you noticed how wonderful it is the way they designed the car, that the driver’s door is right out in the middle of goddamn traffic. Holy shit. I mean, you haven’t even gotten in this death machine yet and you almost died once. What you need is a nice, long red light back about a mile and a half, cause you need a little time and space to get in your car, with a little style and grace. I’ve often held up traffic for two or three hours just going into my car. Now as I said, this is my car. My car has one of those door handles, a lot of people have them I think now, the kind of door handles which is recessed a little bit into the door, and your fingers actually go in a little before they grab it. Don’t you like that? I like that. That’s why they’re not gonna make it anymore. They found out we like that. And my door, when I open my door, my door goes whoooot. And my door swings all the way open, you know what I mean? All the way open. I don’t have one of those fancy doors that hangs there half-way and stays there, you know? My door is either fucking closed, or fucking open. That’s it, we got two things, pick one. And if you’re gonna do anything really tricky like get in the car, you better prop that door open with a broom handle, Jack. Cause sure as shit it’s gonna come back and whoooot, whoa. Oh, and that hurts for about a year and a half, you know? And the little purple ring never goes away. Now, I have an additional problem getting into my car because my driver’s seat is pushed all the way forward on those two little runners, and it’s never, never coming back again. There are about 50 of those little pop top beer can rings all fused into one piece of metal, and this thing is never gonna move unless there’s an atomic attack. Now we get in the car if we can and get going here. Well, we had one additional thing, you may have parked in this parking lot where you had full access to your car when you went into the shopping center, but now that you’ve been in there, some asshole has parked right next to you, and you have about four degrees clearance now, and you gotta try and get in, and you’re carrying 12 gifts and wearing a top hat. Plus, your back is not built for this. You know, backs are not made for getting into cars. I’ll tell you, my back hurts just standing around thinking. Imagine this shit. And besides your back, getting in like this, you also risk serious ball injury from the steering wheel. So far the worst thing that’s happened is the flow through my femoral artery has been cut off for over 18 minutes. Fortunately, I was parked in front of a first aid station at the time. But I’m in the car and I’m right up front. What I mean is I’m forward in this car, you know what I mean? I’m right on the fire wall, okay? Hey, if I want to look at the speedometer, I gotta go. But at least I’m in the car, ha ha. And the goddamn door is still wide open. Well, maybe I can reach it, you know? Maybe without dislodging myself, I can reach and close the… Fuck it, we’ll drive with the door open today. It’s a lovely day anyway, isn’t it? And they say it helps you on left-hand turns. Okay, now we’re gonna be going for this drive/ride any minute here. First, a philosophical question: Have you ever noticed when you’re driving that anyone who’s driving slower than you is an idiot? And anyone driving faster than you is a maniac. Say, look at this idiot here, will you just look at this idiot just creeping along. Whoa, look at that maniac go. I mean, it’s a wonder we ever get anywhere at all with all the idiots and maniacs there are, because there’s certainly no one driving at my speed. I don’t let anybody drive at my speed, do you? Bullshit, some guy is going my speed, fuck him, I slow down, man. Let him get up ahead a little bit. I can keep an eye on that asshole from back here. I like to know who I’m driving near. I’ll often ask for personal references at a yield sign. Okay, now certain stuff we want to remember before we go for a drive, certain basic things. First of all, there are some things that happen in the car, little embarrassments you suffer, but everyone knows about them. Uh, this is an example of what I mean, have you ever been driving someone else’s car and they’re in the car for some reason, you know what I mean? You’re driving their car and they’re there, too. Let’s say they fell out of a window and broke both of their knees in a courtyard for the sake of argument, and they can’t drive, and you’re driving their car. And you’re used to your car, and your turn signal is mounted on the opposite side of the steering column from their turn signal, and you go to shift gears and you… break off their fucking turn signal. Holy shit, came right off, didn’t it? Have to throw that mother away. Goddamn, you have to get a new one of them. Shit, that broke easy, didn’t it? Some things break easy, don’t they? Some things just come right off. Radio knobs in a car, God, they’re fragile. Just trying to tune something in, just trying to find something you can tolerate. Holy shit, came right off, look at that. Throw that mother away. Give me one out of the bag, I got about 80 of them down there, Thank you. And you wind up listening to something just the other side of the glove compartment. Now here’s an embarrassing thing, this is really embarrassing, this will stay with you for several hundred miles. You know those things you don’t shake off right away, like when you almost got killed by the big tractor trailer truck, and you had to pull over for 20 minutes and not do anything but listen to your heart. This is the same kind of thing. And this is one you do it, you do it yourself. This is so great. Did you ever pull up to a red light and you go a little bit too far into the intersection, so you put the car in reverse and you back up just a little bit, and then you forget the car is in reverse. You’re truly an accident waiting to happen. And then the light changes and (crash). Holy shit! How did I get back here? This is where I started from. God, you gotta pay attention, even at the red lights, don’t you? I thought sure they were for resting. Didn’t it seem that way to you, drive a little while, rest a little while. Oh, you have a lot of fun at the red lights. Did you ever kill somebody at the red light? You can do it, they’re walking right in front of you, man. Let’s kill this asshole, huh? Nah, let him go, hey, let’s kill this broad, okay? No, fuck it, let her go. Okay. Let’s not kill anybody today. Two people saved, man changes mind. Here’s a little red light story somebody told me. A guy is driving along, he’s got someone sitting right next to him and he goes right through a red light. The guy says what are you doing? He said never mind will ya, my brother drives like this. He goes a little bit further, comes to another red light, right through it. What you doing? I told you, will you stop it, my brother drives like this. He comes to a green light and he stops. What are you doing? Well, my brother might be coming the other way. What’s the first thing they teach you in driver education, they tell you where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you to put them at 10:00 o’clock and 2:00 o’clock. Bullshit, I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17, gives me an extra half an hour to get to work, you know? By the way, use everything on your car, you know what I mean? It’s yours, fuck it, you paid for the car, use everything, man. Flip your sun visor even on a cloudy day, who knows, flip it over here, flip it up and down, flip it on the side like the French people do. Flip the other one, even if no one is there, open the ash tray, push in the lighter even if you don’t smoke, turn all the knobs, have a lot of fun. Put your hand out the window, tell people to stop, you have power, power, stop, hold on, you stop, oh. And then let one person go, okay, you can go. Not you, you go. Okay, hey, fuck it, have a little fun, you paid for the car, you know what I mean? Now, a couple of things for the road like let’s remember not to get behind anybody weird, or even somebody mildly weird. You ever been behind a guy whose turn signal has been on for 80 miles? And you say well, maybe he’s just really cautious, you know? I’m not gonna pull out now, he may go at any moment. And you find out later he was going around the world to the left. You ever have somebody behind you whose brights are on? Isn’t that fun, someone behind you whose brights are on. Someone who just had his headlights aimed and wants to show you what a wonderful job the mechanic did. You know how you take care of those people, don’t you? Slam on the brakes, let them plow right into you, man. Sure puts them fucking lights out in a big hurry, I’ll tell you that. Let him find his way home, you know what I mean? He got out, he can get home. Another kind of person you don’t wanna get behind is anybody ssssslow. Boy, that’s really good for your arteries when you get behind somebody really, really sloooow. There are two classes of human beings to avoid in this category The first one is, any woman whose head you can’t see in the car at all. Any four-foot woman in a Cadillac is certain death. I’d pull over and take public transportation, myself. I’m not fucking with a ghost car, you know? Let someone else flag down the Flying Dutchman, it’s not my job. You say well, maybe it’s just coasting. No, I see knuckles. It’s definitely not a robot car. And the other type of person, I want to keep these books in balance, the other type of person whom you don’t want to get anywhere near, much less behind, any man over 70 wearing a hat, especially a checkered hat with earflaps… in August. Cause you know you get pissed. Even if you think you’re a pretty cool customer, you know you get pissed sometimes. Don’t you wish sometimes instead of having those cute little lights on the front of your car, you had 50 caliber machine guns mounted up there? I’d cream this cocksucker if I had real ammunition, Maude. Or you wish you had a rented car for just half an hour so you could bash this asshole and pay the $50 deductible and be done with him, you know what I mean? Just trying to ease him up into second gear. Or, you wish you had a message board that would come up out of the trunk of your car and you could type in any message you like. You drive like old people fuck… slow and sloppy. You ever been driving through heavy downtown kind of traffic, you know, block to block, street to street, busy area, not freeway but street to street, people backing out at 5:00 o’clock, busy stuff, maybe it’s winter and it’s dark already and it’s raining a little bit, got the window open, you can hear the rain, you can hear the traffic, people bumping into each other, got the radio on, got the windshield wipers going. So everything is happening at once, radio, windshield, rain, traffic, everything going on, and you’re just trying to get across town to take care of something, you know? And you get over there and park the car, turn off the key and go inside, take care of the business, and you come out and you turn on the key, and the goddamn radio is this loud. Could I possibly have been listening to that? You know, I believe someone broke into this car and tampered with my volume control, and that’s the only thing they touched. Here’s something you’ll be doing tonight, this is one you do all the time, if you get in the car you’re committed to do this following thing over and over. When you’re driving, you have to decide which car to get behind at the red light. There’s a block to go, there are three lanes to choose from, it’s completely up to you to decide who’s the really fast asshole in this group up ahead. Now, just a couple of things to remind you before I tow this trusty little thing back to the garage, a couple of things that go without saying, that’s why I’m going to say them. Uh, first of all, when you’re driving, let’s all keep in mind, when you’re driving and you come to the scene of an accident, for God sakes, slow down and try to find out what’s going on. And if you can’t see enough, ask the policeman to bring the bodies over a little closer to your car. Say, would you bring them over here? My wife has never seen a man shaped in quite that manner. That’s what they’re here for, to protect, to serve and to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. And the other thing which we’ve all heard a million times but it bears repeating, drinking and driving simply do not mix, so do your drinking early and get it out of the way, and then go driving. See ya, thank ya, whoa, a little tow job. Thank you. Okay, thanks, man. Yeah, all right. Sure. Scientists in Switzerland announced today they have been able to mice fart by holding them upside down and tapping them on the stomach with a ballpoint pen. Tragedy struck the parade today as an open manhole claimed the lives of 1100 marchers, one at a time. The Food and Drug Administration announced this week the following consumer information: Baloney causes night blindness, tuti fruity ice cream causes homosexuality, and chicken a la provencal with truffles and white wine causes brain damage. A man has barricaded himself inside of his house, however, he is not armed and no one is paying any attention to him. A man who was shot in the chest nine times yesterday and refused treatment… died today. Here’s a human interest story about man’s best friend. It seems that 63-year-old James Driscoll was asleep last week in his downtown hotel room. He awakened to the sound of a dog barking. When he woke, the room was full of smoke and he could not see. The dog led him out of the room, down the hall, and into an elevator shaft where he plunged eight stories to his death. Seems it wasn’t his dog. The results of the blind person’s golf tournament have just come in. The winner was Johnny Downing with 1,829 strokes, just enough to beat Larry Powell, who lost any chance he might have had when he took a 312 on the final hole. The Nobel Prize in mathematics has been awarded to a California professor who has discovered a new number. The number is “bleen,” which he claims belongs between six and seven. A priest who has performed over 300 exorcisms was eaten today by a green boogie man. In northern Montana today, a woman was severely injured when she attempted to force breast feed a wild boar. This morning on a busy downtown street corner, a dog exploded. No one was killed, however 12 people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that 50 to 60 fleas also lost their lives in the blast. Let me ask you a personal question, have you ever been making out with someone and one of you has a snot that’s whistling? Well, first you gotta find out who it is, you know? Then you gotta figure out which side it’s on. Did you ever have a hatchet go right through your face? You know, I’m talking about a good shot. Isn’t it strange, it’s the funniest feeling, cause just after the hatchet goes in, before you feel any pain, you feel this blast of cool air in the middle of your brain. I love that, it feels so good, but you know, that’s the only way I can attain it, and so I try not to get too hung up on it. Something I think about quite often is the rain dance. If they do a rain dance, wouldn’t you have to do rain dance practice… first? Wouldn’t that come first? Wouldn’t you have to have practice? I mean, some guys would have forgotten, some guys didn’t know it, some guys didn’t pay attention last year. You know, you gotta have rain dance practice. And what I’m wondering is, if you have rain dance practice, does it rain during practice? And if it doesn’t how do you know if you have it right? And if it does, why bother with the goddamn dance in the first place? Why not, you know, you need a little water, call practice. These are the kind of things I think of when I’m home alone and the television is broken. You know the best thing about living right on the seashore, you only have assholes on three sides of you. And if they come from that direction, you can hear them splash. Well, I use that word a lot, asshole. So do lots of people, you know, asshole. You asshole. This guy is an asshole. Are you kidding with this asshole over here? What an asshole. What do these assholes think they’re doing anyway? Well, it’s a great external target for you. It’s a great way to express yourself, this kind of asshole, that one. And I’ve been calling assholes a lot of years, you know? And I’ve noticed one thing, the amount of an asshole a person is, is directly proportional to the distance they are away from you at the time you discover this flaw. Someone on TV is really an asshole. Someone in a car is pretty much of an asshole. Someone standing right next to you on line, that guy is a real asshole, you know? The closer they are, the nicer they get, you know? Have you ever been talking to someone and a little bit of spit flies off your tongue and lands right on the man’s nose? And you say, Jesus, didn’t he see that? Then you think well, maybe he’s just a really cool guy. He saw it but he figures it’ll evaporate. He’s a science teacher. Talk about little embarrassments. Did you ever go the doctor’s office waiting room and you sit down and it turns out to be one of those cushions that sounds like you farted? Don’t you stand up right away, and then do it three times in a row? So they’ll all know it wasn’t you. Hey, not me, huh, cushion sounds like a fart, hey. No smell, just the cushion, see? Hey, let’s not tell the next guy who comes in. Or your stomach begins a conversation with you, always in a quiet situation, isn’t it? Always in a quiet setting. It never has anything to say when I’m out at the rifle range. But you let me get into the dentist’s office waiting room, everyone is quiet, everyone is in pain, and everyone is reading. And I’m looking through a copy of Molar World myself, and my stomach thinks it’s show time and starts in with little things like… (sound). Don’t you cough and try to drown it out? Make a lot of noise with the magazine, push on your stomach and hope the noise will go back into your kidneys. Then it goes… (sound). Then it starts in with complete sentences, we have no money for food, we’re poor. Don’t listen to my stomach, huh, it doesn’t know what it’s talking about. And you’re just trying to get through the day, but little things await you, little moments you have to deal with. Did you ever start to belch and then almost puke? It’s like a medical emergency. You say, Jesus, I almost puked! Turns out it was a belch, but puke was involved. This was a semi puke related belch incident. God, it’s an awful feeling, you know? Not just the taste, which is bad enough, but it’s the whole idea, just the idea of the thing that bothers me. You know, I don’t know whether I’m almost sick or not. I think sheesh, maybe I’m almost sick. Perhaps I shouldn’t go out under these circumstances. You know, you wouldn’t want to get out and be outdoors somewhere and get sick on some stranger. Better to stay home and get sick on people you love. Cause nobody likes to get sick, you know? If being sick were fun, shit, I’d be sick all the time, myself. You’d have parties for it. People would say hey, come on over to the house, we’re all gonna get sick. You never hear that, it’s no fun. But fortunately, for us, we don’t get sick right away, all of a sudden, you know? It doesn’t happen out of the blue that suddenly you’re sick. You’re not walking along the street and then… (sound). Doesn’t happen like that. Usually, before you get sick, there’s a little period of time when you don’t feel good, and that does come first, doesn’t it? Say, what’s the matter with you, what are you sick? No, I just don’t feel good. I don’t know what it is, you know, cause I’m not sick. But I don’t feel right. I feel like, I feel like, I could get sick if I really wanted, you know? But I don’t wanna, and I hope I don’t. Well, that’s what he says now, that he doesn’t want to get sick. You check that same guy in a half an hour and you know what he’ll be saying, geez, I wish I would get sick and get it over with. Finally, you just want to get it over with, don’t you? Because almost being sick is worse than actually being sick. After all, once you’re sick, shit, you’re sick now. Everything’s different once you’re sick. People treat you nice once you’re sick. You don’t feel good, you’re just a big pain in the ass. People treat you nice once they know you’re officially sick. Hey, most places have a different attitude if you’re sick, your city, the place you live, a whole different attitude. Most places have a sanitary code. If you spit on the sidewalk it’s a $50 fine. Vomiting is free! Well, how did they arrive at that price schedule? Wouldn’t it seem to you like the bigger the mess, the bigger the fine? Hey, look at this guy here, $1500 here. Hey, leave the guy alone, can’t you see the guy is sick. Go ahead buddy, it’s on the house. Actually, it’s on your trousers. And they say you threw up. Check your shoes, looks like you threw down. That’s one of them phrases that doesn’t really mean what it says, you know? God, you don’t throw up, if anything, you throw out. If you threw up, you’d have to get out of the way. Being sick doesn’t even sound very good. I mean, the sound of the word is bad enough, sick. I’m sick. Excuse me, I’m sick. If you ever want to clear a path in a crowd, that’s the way you do it. Excuse me, I’m sick. Cripples will get out of your way. You can be out of the football stadium in 10 seconds with one good loud excuse me, I’m sick. They’ll clear a path to your home, cause don’t nobody want no vomit on his pennant. Well, I’d like to do something called baseball and football, and it, uh… thank you, that’s nice… because these two things are such a part of our lives, these two activities, and yet, they’re so different. Baseball is pastoral, 19th century. Football is technological, 20th century. Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park, the baseball park. Football is played on a gridiron in a stadium, War Memorial Stadium. In baseball, you wear a cap. In football, you wear a helmet. Baseball has a seventh inning stretch. Football has a two-minute warning. Baseball has no time limit, we don’t know how long it’s gonna last. We might have extra innings. Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we have to go to sudden death. Football is based on downs, what down is it? Baseball is based on ups, who’s up, are you up? I’m not up. In football, you get a penalty. In baseball, you make an error, whoops. In baseball in the stands there’s something of a picnic feeling, you know, emotions may run high but there’s not that much unpleasantness. In football in the stands, you can be sure that at least 27 times during the game you were capable of taking the life of a fellow human being, preferably a stranger. And to sum this up, the object of the games, quite different, the object of the game in football is for the quarterback, otherwise known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack which punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy’s defensive line. In baseball, the object is to go home. I’m going home, I’m going home. Well, I don’t have an ending for that, but that’ll do until one comes along, you know what I mean? This weekend, sports fans won’t wanna miss, Universe of Sports. More unusual sports from around the world. From Turkey, teen wrestling with knives. From France, nude weight lifting. From Norway, a look at a largely forgotten sport, underwater tobogganing. From an elevator shaft in New York City, men’s vertical frisbee. From a nursing home in Oklahoma, demolition walker. From Texas, off-water boating. And finally, the newest X-rated sport from California, roller-fucking. Here’s a cheer, a sports cheer you can use, I’m giving this to you. Maybe you’ve heard it but, uh, it’s a gift for you, and you can use this in any sport. I think of football more, uh, you know, appropriate for… for cheers, I think. But, but you could use this for any sport, intramural lacrosse, uh, mud surfing, cross-country bowling, full contact chess, Australian dick wrestling. They have that on ESPN, you know? But here’s a little cheer, and a lot of people like it. It goes like this: “Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat, 69 assholes tied in a knot, hooray, lizard shit, fuck.” Now, I’m gonna do that again cause I know some of you like to memorize these things. And by the way, if you’re memorizing and there are two people in your party, why not each one of you memorize every other word. Kind of cuts the labor right in half. It goes like this: “Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat”… perfectly normal way to begin a cheer as far as I’m concerned – “69 assholes tied in a knot” – I don’t know what that means, either – “hooray, lizard shit, fuck.” Thank you very much. Thank you all. Next year, thank you. See you later. I don’t know about that kids. Ah, the hell with it. Silent film star Mark Dunbar died today in Hollywood, he had no last words, however, he did make several gestures.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Tom Segura: Completely Normal (2014) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-segura-completely-normal-2014-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Segura! [Cheers and applause]` Thank you. Thanks a lot. Thank you. Very nice of you. Thank you. I hope I live up to your expectations. I realized today that I need a hobby, because my workday just started, like, now. Right now. I mean, here’s the thing, it’s not even that big a part of my day. So even if it doesn’t go well, it’s like, ah, you know, still a pretty good fucking day. Like, it was… wasn’t a bad day. It just… you know, that part at work that, for an hour, just didn’t go to my liking, and then I had a great day otherwise. ‘Cause my whole life is basically, you know, it’s… it’s… it’s hotels. Being in a hotel, just waiting for the show. Sad, right? I’m just waiting for the show to start. And you’re like, what… what am I gonna… I mean, you can only jerk off so many times before you’re like, all right, I’m gonna do it again, but… Right now it hurts. I should find something else to do. I absolutely ruin hotel rooms. Like, if you stay in a hotel room after I stayed there, shit is gonna itch on you, okay? Just being honest. Come on, hotels are great. Everybody loves hotels. Especially when you check in with your significant other. Why? Because you know in a hotel you’re gonna have sex, and you’re gonna have an elevated form of sex. You’re gonna have hotel room sex, which is, let’s have sex, but let’s also disrespect this room. Yeah. I do that too, except I’m alone. Like, I always wipe my balls on the curtains, because I know they don’t change those. Think about that the next time you want some sunlight. [Laughter] Or don’t. Just know that it’s on your hand, you know what I mean? Here’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. I got into online shopping recently. I guess that’s a thing. Here’s what I’ve been doing though. I shop for things that are, like, way out of my price range. And then after a while, I go, “oh, yeah.” I can’t afford that.” Like today, I was looking at yachts online. And then I was telling myself I didn’t want them, as if they were an option, you know? I was like, “155 feet? That’s not even” “big enough for all my friends and family. I’m not getting that shit.” What the fuck am I doing? You ever do that? You ever go down, like, a rabbit hole online, and then, like, six hours have gone by, and you’re like, “I’m shopping for the private jet” “that best suits my needs. “I think I found… this is it right here. The g550.” How much is this? Place order. $53 million? Well, maybe not now, but maybe later. I’ll just bookmark that shit for now. Boop. You know what that is? That’s a sense of entitlement. That’s me thinking I should be associated with this thing. And I haven’t earned it. I haven’t. Neither have you, but also me. I get that feeling the most when I get upgraded to first class. Yeah. I fly every week. I never buy a first class ticket. I buy coach tickets. I buy them so much, I get bumped up to first class. I am telling you, the moment I get bumped up to first class, I get washed over with this feeling. I’m like, “look at these fucking poor pieces of shit” on my flight. Ugh.” I’m so much better than them. Don’t stand next to me. Ugh, dude. I dare you to try to come up from coach and use the first class bathroom when I’m there. I’ll put my hand on your chest, okay? No. No. There’s a pig trough in the back. That’s for you guys. That’s for the big ballers up front. Some people buy first class tickets. I always feel like they know you got upgraded. They always give you the look like, “by the way, we fucking know.” You can sit up here, but you’re not like us. God, it’s so weird. People… people ask me cra… like, I get asked fucking travel advice from strangers. Can we just break down how crazy that is? Like, people come up to me, and they’re like, “hey, you travel a lot, right?” And I’m like, “yeah.” They’re like, “where should I go?” Uh, I don’t fucking know you, man. You ask travel advice to people who know you intimately. They know you well. They can guide you based on what they know about you. I mean, you don’t ask strangers dining advice, right? You’re like, “hey, man, where should I eat tonight?” I know I’ve never met you before in my life, but do you think you could give me a recommendation? Uh, yeah. You should try this dim sum place. But then, that person might go, “oh, I hate the Asian world.” And you’re like, “oh, shit.” I didn’t know that about you.” “Yeah, I killed, like, four of them.” “What are you, like, a serial killer, or something?” “Yeah.” Now, you’re in an awkward conversation with a serial killer. Here’s all I’m saying. I can’t tell you where to go. I can tell you where not to go. Wherever they film The First 48 on A&E. Oh, if you’re not familiar with the show, here’s what it is. Camera crews follow real homicide detectives for the first 48 hours after a murder. And the reason that that time distinction is so important, is that after 48 hours, uh, they give up on that murder. They’re like, “that’s some old shit. What do you want to do today?” You’re like, “how about you keep trying “to solve that murder, man? “That shit happened on Monday. It’s Wednesday. We’re not gonna solve that shit.” Really? There are so many amazing moments on that show… so many. A lot of the episodes take a similar path. I’m blown away, first of all, at how many times there’s a witness to a murder. It’s crazy. I always thought murders happened in dark alleys, nobody saw shit. No. Every other episode, they’re like, “you see that shit?” And the guy’s like, “I saw that shit. Yeah.” “Where?” “Right fucking here.” “Really?” “I was standing here, and then he killed that dude there.” “What did he look like?” “He was, like, 5’2″ to 6’8″, something like that.” “That’s the fucking description you’re gonna give us?” “Uh-huh.” “Anything else about him?” “Yeah, he had ears too.” “Thanks, man.” “No problem.” They still will sketch that shit out. And they show it to people. “Do you know this guy?” And everyone’s like, “nah.” But then one guy’ll be like, “yeah!” That’s Cricket right there.” They’re like, “oh, shit.” You know him?” “I been knowin’ Cricket 27 years.” “What’s his real name?” “Man, that’s just Cricket. I don’t even know.” Stop being white and weird. That’s a perfect fucking impression, and you know exactly who that was, okay? Yeah, it’s a black guy and he’s wearing a wife beater, and he’s got on a dirty hat and he’s got a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and he looks like he’s about 33, but you find out he’s 76 years old. And he speaks super aggressively to the cops. Like, “I been out here for a minute!” And they’re like, “all right, all right. “Jesus Christ. When was the last time you saw him?” “He came through with jellyfish last week. They were lookin’ for some smoke!” And they’re like, “all right. Jesus Christ.” They always cut to the whitest detective from that guy too. They cut from that guy to a guy who’s like, “I don’t think he’s gonna help us out. We’re gonna have to find Cricket on our own.” That show has the best moment in television. It’s the most dramatic thing you could ever see, ’cause it’s real life, and that is the interrogation. The interrogation is amazing. Because here’s the thing about drama… if you want to have a great, dramatic moment, raise the stakes. Guess what? There’s no higher stakes than somebody being questioned about taking somebody else’s life. It’s inherently compelling television. It is also super serious. But the detectives insist on using the suspect’s street name, so the whole thing turns into a fucking cartoon. Like, they’re literally like, “your life is on the line. “We need to talk to you. “Why don’t you have a seat, “uh, little stank? “Why don’t you sit down for a second? Did you or did you not know dookie shoes?” “I don’t know no dookie shoes.” “I got a picture of you hanging out with dookie shoes.” “I mean, I seen him. I don’t know him.” And then, they’ll throw one bit of evidence against the wall, hoping it’ll solve the case. They’ll be like, “well, we were talkin’ to nah’mean”, and he said that you were at the 7-eleven last week.” And he’ll be like, “yeah, I shot him in the face.” And you’re like, “goddamn, really?” That’s all it took to break you? Dude, lie. Lie for longer. You can kill somebody, you can’t lie for ten fucking minutes about it? Like, dudes will break on anything. They’ll be like, “we heard you had on a blue shirt last Friday.” “Yeah, I stabbed those four people.” Dude, a lot of people have blue shirts, man. You could still get out of this. Here’s what I’ve learned watching that show, okay? Lawyer up. You can’t handle that shit. Everybody’s like, “I’m gonna talk to the cops and straighten this whole thing out.” You’re gonna do 25 to life. Have fun with that, man. Nobody asks for a lawyer. I’ve seen 300 people get interrogated on this show. Two of them were like, “can I talk to a lawyer?” And both times, the detectives were like, “fuck!” And then, at the end of those episodes, it said on the screen, “all charges against Tayshaun were dropped.” Or Jim. Pick a fucking name. Let’s be honest. There’s no Jims on the show. I’ve seen every episode, and none start with, “hey, Bryce, can we talk to you for a second, man? Where were you last Friday?” “I was over at tanner’s house. “Then Skylar had a party, so we went over there. “And then, we picked up Connor, and we had pancakes. “Sorry, bro. Detective bro, bro.” I swear to God, there is no more liberating and fun thing to do in this world than scream in your best aggressive black guy voice. Holy shit. So much fun. I highly recommend you do it. Not if you’re black. If you’re black, you already do it. But if you’re white, do it. Do it in public. Do it where there are black people. And here’s a little secret, if you do it well, there is a possibility that a black guy will yell back in return. I do it all the time. I live in Los Angeles. Pick your spot. I go to Crenshaw. There’s never a shortage there. I do. I hang back and I go, “hey, yo!” And sometimes… sometimes, a black guy’ll go, “sup, d?” [Laughter] I did it to Big Daddy Kane one time. I swear to god. I swear… hand to god. If you don’t know who Big Daddy Kane is, you can go fuck yourself, okay? I was standing on Sunset Boulevard. – A limousine pulled up. – Whoo! Like for sunset? Really? All right. [Laughter] A limo pulled up, like, I don’t know, 30 feet from me. I was just, like, all right. See the door open. Who’s getting out of this limo? Expecting, like, a bachelor party or some shit. Fucking Big Daddy Kane. I’m like, get the fuck out of here. And something just took over, you know? The spirit grabbed me. And I was like, “‘sup, Kane?” And his head whipped around, and he was like, “you?” And I was like, “nuh-uh. That wasn’t me. “Somebody over there did that shit. That wasn’t me.” If you ever see Big Daddy Kane, please do the same shit to him. Every week, it’s another city for me. I get asked the same questions every week by people. “Are people the same everywhere?” No. Some places suck and they have shittier people. I just gave you a sociology degree. How about that? You like that? Here’s one universal truth about people, though. This one is true, and that is that everybody just wants to connect. It doesn’t matter where you go, or what language you speak, people just want to connect. And you know when you have chemistry with somebody. You know if you’re like, “I want to hang out with this person,” or “I want to date this person,” or “I want to harness this person to the bottom of my big rig and drive them around for a while “and bury them 18 miles west of lake worth. And when I drive by, I’ll get a boner.” We all have these thoughts, right? Sometimes there’s nothing there, and people try to force a connection. I think that shit’s rude. I’m checking into a hotel a few weeks ago. The guy comes from behind the counter and he goes, “where are you from?” I said, “Los Angeles.” And he goes, “yeah, I got family in Denver.” And I was like, “what a coincidence.” And he goes, “yeah, they got a furniture store.” And I was like, “ah.” I like to sit on furniture. We’re two for two. I have shoes on. Do you have shoes on? Do you like to walk around? Let’s fucking party. There’s nothing there. Sometimes, there’s nothing there. And that’s okay. You’re not supposed to connect with everybody on the planet. That would be absurd. You should embrace that. I’ve been doing this. You should do this too. Next time you’re at a bar or you’re just out walking around, and somebody goes, “hey, man.” Just go, “nope.” I’m all friended up.” And if they’re like, “I just want to know what time it is.” Be like, “I only tell my friends what time it is.” You’ll feel like a dick, but then you get over it real quick. I feel like no matter where I go, ten times a day, I find myself asking myself this question… I find myself going like, “hey, man”, “is anybody else seeing this shit right now? Have I stepped into a parallel fucking universe or something?” Like, I went to buy a coffee just a few weeks ago from a coffee place. Just so there’s no confusion. I didn’t go to a shoe store. I went to a coffee place, okay? I go to the lady behind the counter, and I go, “can I have a coffee?” And she goes, “well, we have a special promotion”, “and today, for $2, you can get this drink, “and it has vanilla, and… and there’s whipped cream and there’s sprinkles on it.” “And I was like,” that’s cool. “I don’t want that. May I have a coffee?” “And she goes, it’s the last day… Of this special promotion.” And I was like, “oh, I think I understand “the full scope of the promotion. May I have a coffee?” And she’s like, “you’re a fucking loser.” Here’s the thing, this woman was enormous, okay? She was hu… she looked like four people melted into one. So I was like, “you know what?” “You’re super fat. “You know when shit tastes good. Hook that shit up. I want to try it, all right?” And she goes, “it’s $2.” And I go, “all right.” And then I extended a $20, and she goes… And I go, “I’m sorry?” And she goes, “I don’t have the change for that.” And I was like, “oh, so what do you want to do now?” Are you saying I have too much money to shop here?” And she goes, “we just can’t handle it.” And I was like, “handle it?” It’s a 20.” Like, I didn’t put the hope diamond on the counter, and go, “figure it out, stupid.” Like, it’s reasonable, right? And she was just all shoulders. Like, mm. And I go, “nothing? You have no solution?” And she goes, “do you still want coffee?” I’m like, “yeah. That part’s never changed.” That’s why I’m here.” I go, “you can’t resolve this at all?” And she goes, “you could ask somebody else for change.” And I go, “another customer in line?” And she goes, “yeah.” And I go, “what about the box” with buttons in front of you?” And she goes… So I turn around to the line of people, and I go, “excuse me”, “do any of you guys have change?” And everybody was like, “you fucking asshole.” “Like, you’re at the place to get change. You’re right there.” Well, then this one Arab guy… and I’m not saying that means anything… but he was, so why leave it out of the story? He goes, “I have everything.” And I was like, “oh.” And then he opened his attache and he had every denomination of every currency. Like, where I could go, “I want one of those, and I want one of those, and I want one of tho…” he’s like, “yes, yes, yes.” Now, enjoy your pussy drink.” Okay. All right. And I want you to know something. I drank that pussy drink, and that’s the best shit I’ve ever had in my entire life. Pussy drinks forever. I’m not sure that’s what they’re called, so take your chances. But it would be cool if you went to a Starbucks tomorrow, and you’re like, uh, “can I get a pussy drink?” And they’re like, “I think I know what you want. Hold on a second.” Can we just all agree on one thi… can we just fucking get onboard with the fact that it is time to see an end to the man who walks around in public with a cowboy hat on, like he’s not wearing a cowboy hat in public? I see these guys everywhere. Banks, grocery stores, airports. And now, not only do I see guys wearing cowboy hats, but they have adopted the cowboy persona. Like where they think they’re actual fucking… like the… [snickers] Well, pardon me, ma’am. I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what. You look fucking ridiculous right now. Like, you’re a cowboy, really? Cock-a-doodle-doo. A-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang. Get the fuck out of here. Here’s all I want from cowboys. Just be cowboy all the way, all right? Work with livestock. Like, if somebody says, “let’s go get a beer.” I want to hear you say, “I got to shave some sheep.” End your disputes with a pistol. If somebody cuts you off in line, be like, “meet me at the saloon at noon. I’m a cowboy.” And you better ride a horse everywhere. If you wear a cowboy hat, you shouldn’t be allowed to sit in cars or look at planes. You should just be like, “I’ll tell you what. “I’ll tell you what. San Francisco sure is a pretty city.” Yeah, I’ll see you there in six months, when you get there on your fucking horse. If you’re a cowboy, then I am a knight. I’m a knight, and I’m gonna wear armor every day, in case somebody wants to joust. And you leave me alone, because I’m doing the queen’s work. Okay, mummy? You know who likes to be cowboys more than anybody? Do you know who? Three-year-olds. Because they’re not developed yet. And they go, “mommy.” [Imitates gun] And you go, “yes, you’re a cowboy.” “And your sister’s a princess. “And your father’s fucking Batman. “‘Cause you live in la-la land. You don’t know what’s going on right now.” Cowboy hats should come with class rings. ‘Cause I feel like the same guy that buys one buys the other anyway, you know? [Laughter and applause] “Check it out. “’87. I scored 14 touchdowns that year.” “What are you doing now?” “I’m just thinkin’ about killing myself.” Oh, okay. Why don’t you get a corvette and make it a whole kit? Mm. [Sighs] I just realized my fucking… I do have a hobby. It’s probably the saddest, most pathetic hobby there is. And that is just watching television shows. What is lamer than, like, “what do you do for fun? What’s your hobby?” “Oh, fucking, I watch TV.” That’s so indicative of our country. And, like, some people are amazing with their, like… “oh, I b… I build furniture.” You’re like, “that’s your job?” “No, no. I’m a urologist.” But, like, on the side, like, I… oh, I like to… I like to watch my shows. I don’t like the way people knock tv though. It’s all the… all the same cliche shit they said when we were kids, they now say as adults, right? They’re like, oh, you know, you… you know, you watch too much tv, it’ll rot your mind, or, you can’t learn anything from television. But that’s not true. You can learn a lot from television. For instance, without television, I would have no idea that Steven Seagal is out of his fucking mind. Or alive. I also didn’t know that. He has a show. It’s not a scripted show. It follows around the real Steven Seagal. And every episode begins with him looking in the camera and saying, “I don’t know if you knew this or not”, but for the last 20 years, I’ve been a cop.” And you’re like, “what did you just say? “I thought you’ve been making shitty movies “for the last 20 years. What are you talking about?” And you watch this show, he has the most unlikeable quality in a human being, which is that he is an expert in everything. Literally, if a dog walks by, he’s like, “that’s a shih tzu, boxer, hound mix right there.” And they’re like, “how do you know that?” He’s like, “I’ve been working with dogs for, like 35 years.” Then, a helicopter flies by. He’s like, “that’s a hub-106.” And they’re like, “how do you know that?” And he’s like, “I’ve been flying helicopters for, like, 47 years.” Then he does the thing though, that everybody does who knows something about everything. Everybody has a friend, no matter what you’re doing, they know the history of it all, they know every topic, every fucking fact. If you’re eating dinner, they’re like, “you know, forks are from the roman times”, and they would sculpt them out of bark.” And you’re like, “will you shut the fuck up, and let me finish this please?” Seagal will do that too, but you know he’s making it up. He’ll be like, “you know, they also call that helicopter” a skippy.” And they’re like, “why?” And he goes, “listen to it.” Skip-skip-skip-skip-skip-skip… that’s bullshit. You made that shit up. “Nah, seriously.” It just blows my mind… it really does… that everybody in this room… everybody… has this real world possibility in their lives… all of us, we could go tonight, if we wanted to… tonight, you could go to Louisiana, you could start a fight in a bar, and there is a real world possibility that Steven Seagal will arrest you. Isn’t that insane to you? I’ve lost sleep over this shit. I mean, that’s crazy. That’s literally like if you leave here, and you roll through a stop sign, and then, Sylvester Stallone is like, “hey, roll it down.” “And you’re like, get the fuck out of here. You work here?” And he’s like, “it’s my passion.” “Will you say Adrian or something?” “Nah.” It’s nuts. You have to watch this show. He… he panders to every group according to race, knowing full well there’s a camera crew following him around. He doesn’t give a shit. If you’re white, he’s like, “how’s it going? “All right.” [Snickers] And then, to black people, he’s like, “what’s up, cuz?” And they’re like, “hey, what’s up?” “I’m holding you down, so holler if you need somethin’.” “Okay.” And then, to all Latinos… Spanish speaking people… he insists on speaking horrifically broken Spanish, even if they start the conversation in English. If they’re like, “hey, yeah, I called 911. Thank you for coming.” The thing is… he’s like, “ah, hold on.” Mucho queso.” They’re like, “I think my English is way better than your Spanish, man.” And he’s like, “no gracias.” And then, to all Asian people, he bows, regardless of where he meets them. If you’re Asian, and you cross Steven Seagal’s path, he’s like, “ha.” And they go, “hey, I was born here, you dick.” Like, you don’t have to do that.” And he’s like, “sorry.” I’ve been doing martial arts for, like, 85 years.” He trains other cops in hand-to-hand combat. I think that’s infuriating. For those cops. It’s not like we’re hanging out, we’re like, “hey, man, do you want to do, like”, “a couple shots, and then go down the street? Steven Seagal is teaching people how to throw punches.” And we’re like, “okay. Let’s fucking go.” No. It’s you’re a cop, and you show up at work, and they’re like, “we’re gonna go over “hand-to-hand combat today, so you can protect yourself if you’re in a really dangerous situation.” You’re like, “oh, cool.” “Who’d you bring in to teach us? Like, some navy seals, or green berets?” And they go, “no.” We brought in Steven Seagal.” And you’re like, “are we shooting a fucking movie” this week or something?” They’re like, “uh-uh.” “Okay, I’ll pass, ’cause that’s ridiculous. I don’t want to be a part of that.” That’s literally like if you were, like, at NASA, and they’re like, “all right, future astronauts.” “We’re gonna go over space exploration, “and to get us started, why don’t you welcome Captain Kirk? Come on out, man.” And you’re like, “is he qualified to do this?” And they’re like, “oh, you’ve seen him do all that shit.” “Yeah, he knows what he’s talking about, man. He’s been up there.” They show him teaching people how to fight. It’s horrible. He’s bloated now. He doesn’t have the same range of motion. He’s like, “everybody line up.” If somebo… if somebody throws a punch, you can… you can block it like that. [Exhales] And then… and then, you can kick ’em in the throat like that. Are you kicking a child in the throat right now? Some people’s throats are down there. I like Havarti cheese the most. What’s your favorite? Um, I’m sorry that I’m fat. I just realized how fat I was by how winded I got from just doing those little motions. [Groans] Jesus. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes I just look in the mirror, and I’m like, “fuck.” I lie to myself all the time. I cheat. Like, I’ll look in the mirror, and I’m like, “hmm.” Yeah, that’s what you look like.” It’s all these little things that you don’t think about and you just do it automa… here’s where I really had to call myself out. I was getting into a shower in a hotel, and it was one of these hotel bathrooms where there’s just mirrors everywhere. And as I was stepping in the shower, I looked, and I was like, “oh, my god.” Like, “look at you.” “I can’t believe somebody lets you fuck them. This is crazy.” I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. I feel like that’s a good boost to my day. You know, I’m eating, and then I go… [staggered deep breath] It’s better a few moments later, when you get to think about it, and you’re like, “why did I just stop?” To take a deep breath. Oh, yeah. My body also needs air, you fat fucking turd. I did the fattest thing you can do a week ago. Maybe not the fattest thing. I think the fattest thing you can do is probably eat another fat person, right? Like, if you’re fat and you see another fat guy, and you’re like, that guy looks delicious, you’re super fat. I didn’t do that. I did, however, go out to eat. I went out to breakfast. I had croissant. Everybody knows what a croissant is, right? It’s a flaky-looking thing. I ate one, and one is enough. And then I left this place, and I was walking down the street. And I saw a bakery, and I was like, “I wonder what their croissants taste like.” So I entered a second venue to shovel bread into my stupid, fat mouth. And the big payoff is that when I was done, I got to go, “oh, no.” “The first place has better croissants. Yeah.” I had catastrophic diarrhea this morning. And I just found out that not everybody does. Here’s how I found out. We moved… my wife and I moved to a new place. In the new place, the living room couch is closer to that bathroom than it was in the old place. So the second day we’re there, I go in there, I do my thing. When I walk out, my wife is no longer sitting on the couch. She’s now standing, holding car keys. And she goes, “do you need to go to the hospital?” And I go, “for what?” And she goes, “for what just happened in there.” And I go, “what just happened in there?” And she goes, “is that normal for you?” And I was like, “I don’t even remember what happened”, so I guess so.” She goes, “Jesus, how often do you shit like that?” And I was like, “every day.” She goes, “oh, my God. Is there blood in there?” There could be. I don’t know. I just go, bap! And I hit flush. And she goes, “you don’t look at it?” And I go, “where am I supposed to look?” “It’s everywhere. “You want me to look at each individual piece? No, I paint the bowl, and then I wash it away.” That’s how I found out, at 34 years old, that not everybody has diarrhea every day. I feel like, you know, wives have to get in one last jab too, ’cause first of all, this wasn’t even an argument. This was a conversation. And she won the conversation, okay? She did. I feel horrible about my digestive system. You win. It’s settled. I’m sitting on… I’m sulking, like… [Sighs] On the couch. She’s going to leave this day, right? And she stops at the door as she’s leaving the house, and she goes, “you know, you’re probably gonna die.” And I was like, “cool, babe. Have a good day.” I’ll see you when you get home.” Then I started thinking about it, and I’m like, “maybe I am gonna die.” I went to the doctor that day, and I’m… I’m gonna be completely honest with you. I went to the doctor, and I was like, “all right.” I’m just gonna get a checkup, see what’s going on.” The honest truth is I knew it wasn’t gonna be awesome, okay? I knew the doctor wasn’t gonna be like, “you might be surprised to hear this, but you’re perfect. Like, you’re a perfect physical specimen, man.” I knew that wasn’t gonna happen, but I didn’t expect him to be a dick. Usually, they’re not. I feel like in my experience, doctors are polite. Almost overly polite, where it’s phony and condescending. When they go, “ah, really interesting story you got there.” Doctors do that because you’re telling them a story, and doctors don’t want to hear a story. Doctors want to hear “this hurts,” not “I was over at my friend Charlie’s house”, “and we went to move the ottoman, and… “I mean, you can use it as a coffee table, “or you can use it as an ottoman. It’s up to you,” and your doctor’s like, “I want to blow my fucking brains out right now.” I go in there, I sit on the exam table, which is my least favorite table to sit on in the world ’cause it’s the only table that, in 30 years, I’ve sat on where my feet don’t touch the ground. So I feel like a fucking toddler, waiting like… [giggles] My doctor comes in. He doesn’t say hello. He doesn’t say good morning. He just walks in. He points at me, which is super aggressive, you know, to start a conversation with somebody. Like, “hey, man.” You’re like, “hey. What’s up, man?” And he goes, “do you want something for your hair?” And I go, “what?” And he goes, “do you want something for your hair?” And I go, “I don’t get it.” And he goes, “has nobody told you that your hair’s falling out?” I was like, “damn. No.” And he goes, “ah. Sorry.” I’m like, “all right.” Then he pulls my chart out of the slot, super dramatic, so that it makes a fucking noise. He goes… [Exhales] I’m like… and he goes, “wow!” And I’m like, “really, ‘wow’? Is it full-blown AIDS?” Like, “why is ‘wow’?” And he goes, “you weigh 245.” And I go like, “yeah, like, I knew that shit.” And he goes, “you weighed 230 last time you were here.” Not exactly what I would call weight loss.” I’m like, “are we at a fucking roast or something?” Like, “what are you doing?” Then he says, “you know you’re the fattest patient I’ve seen all day.” And I go, “it’s 9:30 in the morning.” And he goes, “still.” He’s like, “you know, we ran your blood work.” It turns out your muscle enzymes are through the roof.” And I go, “yeah, man, like, I’m super strong.” Like, how is that a problem?” And he goes, “they’re off the charts.” I’m like, “even better.” I’m probably your strongest patient, man.” And he goes, “I don’t think you understand muscle enzymes.” And I go, “that’s true. I don’t know what they are.” And he goes, “well, the only way you could have them this high” “would be, like, ‘a, ‘ if you were an Olympic athlete, which, clearly you’re not.” I’m like, “dude, what is the deal, man?” And he goes, “the other way would be if you were a cocaine addict.” And I go, “I don’t do coke.” And he goes, “I’m your doctor. You don’t have to lie to me.” And I go, “I’m not lying.” And he goes, “I can’t treat you if you’re not gonna be honest.” And I go, “hey, man, aren’t cokeheads skinny?” Isn’t that, like, part of the deal?” And he goes, “usually, yeah.” The nurse comes in. She takes my chart out of his hands, and she goes, “oh, my God.” “His muscle enzymes are so high. Maybe he runs marathons.” And my doctor goes, “look at him.” So at this point, I go, “this was a lot of fun. “Thank you for having me today. I’m gonna leave now,” and he goes, “all right.” Then he goes, “ho… hold on a second. Do you have a ring on your finger?” And I go, “yeah.” And he goes, “you’re married?” And I go, “yeah,” and he goes, “to a guy?” And I go, “no.” And he goes, “oh. I thought you were gay.” And I go, “why?” And he goes, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “all right, dude.” And he goes, “hey, I’m just kidding.” And I go, “that’s fine.” He goes, “but check it out.” And he takes my chart, and he shows it to me, and he had written “gay?” On my medical chart. [Laughter and applause] The thing that gets sent to other doctors has his inside… [Chuckles] “Maybe he sucks cock” joke written on it. I went home. I told my wife. She’s like, “oh, my god, what are you gonna do?” And I was like, “what do you mean?” And she goes, “I mean, are you ever gonna go back there?” I’m like, “are you out of your mind? “That’s the funniest fucking doctor in the world. Of course I’m going back there.” I have, like, Don Rickles as my primary care physician. That’s amazing. I’m faking injuries to go back to this guy. “You know you’re a piece of shit.” I’m like, “I know.” He’s fucking amazing. Oh, my God. I do think about death. I just want it to be justified, you know? Like, if I die violently, you know, maybe I have, like, Serena Williams sitting on my face, and… I don’t know, Venus is polishing me off, and they’re trying to fit a racket in my ass or something like that. Then my wife comes in, boom, and I’m, like, fucking done. It’s fun that way. I don’t want it to be a dumb death. I feel like there’s dumb deaths that they kind of subtly mock, like, on the news. They do. They’ll be like, in local news… they’ll be like, “and then, also coming up, “a guy was trying to get a soda out of a vending machine, and then it fell on him.” And they’re like… and you’re like… ’cause that could happen to you. It could be, like, you know, like, I would go to the fucking mall, and then I fall down the stairs, and then they send a news crew, and they’re like, “what happened?” And they interview the dumbest fucking guy, and he’s like, “I seen him fall. And then he don’t move no more.” And you’re like, “that’s my eulogy? Thanks a lot, man.” I felt like I was gonna die a few months ago. I called a car service to take me to the airport. You know, when you’re like, “I got 60 bucks. Let’s fucking do this, right?” This nice town car comes to the house. The guy gets out. He’s got all white hair. Much older man. From the beginning, he makes me uncomfortable when he calls me sir. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a guy way older than you call you sir. You’re like, “hey, man. You’re, like, 1,000 years old.” “You have a couple weeks to live, maybe. How about we drop the formality, okay?” I get in the car, he goes, “the temperature all right, sir?” I go, “it’s fine.” He goes, “would you like a bottle of water, sir?” And I go, “you don’t have to call me sir.” You can just call me Tom.” And at that moment, all of his professionalism went out the window. ‘Cause the very next thing he said was, “you smoke weed?” And I was like, “I mean, yeah, sometimes.” And he goes, “do you want to smoke some now?” And I was like, “I mean, yeah.” But I don’t think my driver should be offering me, you know? He doesn’t miss a beat. He opens the console. He takes out a joint. He lights it. He passes it back. I hit it out of respect, right? ‘Cause he’s old. And then I give it back to him, and the next thing he says is, “yeah, I can’t drive unless I’m fucked up.” I’m like, “did you hear what you just said?” And he goes, “yeah, I’m ripped right now.” I’m like, “well, hands on 10:00 and 2:00, motherfucker.” Like, “keep it together.” I go, “so is that all you do? Smoke weed?” I can handle a guy that smokes weed. He goes, “well, I love it all.” And I’m like, “what’s all?” That’s a broad statement.” He goes, “I love coke. I love heroin.” “But there’s nothing like smoking rocks, you know what I’m saying?” And I was like, “no, I don’t know what you’re saying.” Mind you, this is while he’s driving, so it’s actually like, “I love smoking rocks, man. You know what I’m…” I’m like, “dude, turn around.” So I go, “can I ask you something?” He goes, “yeah. What’s up?” I go, “what’s it like to smoke rocks?” I’ve never done that before.” And he goes, “ooh-ooh!” [Applause] I was like, “is that the whole sentence? Is that it?” He goes, “that shit is the best! “What I like to do personally, “is I like to sit in my apartment and fire ’em up. “And then I look out the peephole. “And I watch people walk around. “And I just freak the fuck out about what’s gonna happen next.” And then, he gave me a head nod like, “doesn’t that sound awesome?” I was like, “dude, that sounds terrible. “That’s called a panic attack, “and that’s a horrible sales pitch for crack. Now, I’m definitely not gonna try it.” We pull up to the airport, and I go, “it’s none of my business, but I think you’re too old to be messing with all these drugs.” And he goes, “I don’t do it anymore, Tom.” Yeah, it was “sir” at the top of the ride. Now, it’s “Tom, you piece of shit.” “I don’t do it anymore. I did it when I was younger.” And I go, “all right.” And he goes, “I mean, I still do it every once in a while.” “But you know what they say, if you do something every once in a while, it’s not that bad for you.” And I was like, “dude, I think they mean that about”, “like, pizza and chocolate.” “Nobody ever means that for crack, just so you know.” I’ve never heard, “what are you doing?” “I’m smoking rocks.” “Well, not every day, okay? You crazy kid.” Weed‘s not a big deal, though. I don’t know why the fuck people make a big deal out of weed. You know? You… [cheers and applause] You see it change. I mean, states have it legalized. I don’t know why… the perception, I find, from other people about California, they think that we’re like the wild fucking west. Like, people, they’re like, “aw, you live in I.A. “You guys just smoke joints and tell the cops to suck your dick, right?” And I’m like, “yeah, that’s exactly right, yeah.” “You should do that too when you come out. “L.A.P.D. Is super into that. “But take your joint, flick it at ’em, “be like, ‘suck my dick, man.’ they’ll laugh and high-five you… it’s fine.” It’s so dif… I mean, first of all… all right, let’s be clear. If you get a medical card, one of the things that people don’t know, they have expiration dates on them, and you have to renew your card all the time. And it’s not what you think. It’s not exactly the easiest thing. You literal… you have to get in your car. You have to drive down to a place. That’s it… that’s all you gotta do, is go drive there. Takes, like, five minutes. But my card expired three years ago. I still haven’t renewed it. I tried to go to a dispensary a few weeks ago, and there’s two rooms. There’s the room they check you out in, they check your stuff, and then, there’s the main room with all the goodies, right? And the guy took my card, and he goes, “dude, I can’t let you in. Your card expired three years ago.” I was like, “come on, man.” And he was like, “all right.” I was like, “wow, I’m a really good negotiator, huh?” I didn’t real… well, once you put it like that, yeah. Getting that medical card is surreal. My experience was surreal. I went to a doctor’s office, and it’s not dr. Dickhead that I was telling you about. This is a different doctor. He’s a doctor because he got a business card, and he put “dr.” on it. His office was such a piece of shit, that you could hear the conversation going on between the doctor and the patient ahead of you, which is never supposed to happen. So as I’m waiting for my turn to go in, I’m waiting, and I hear the doctor go, “oh, what is your medical need for marijuana?” And the guy in there goes, “oh, I have a bone disease.” And I was like, “oh, shit. I don’t have a bone disease.” Like, I thought you could just be like, “weed’s awesome.” And he’d be like, “yeah, I fucking know,” like… So I start to panic internally… like, what am I gonna say? And in my mind, I just go to the worst shit. Like, in my mind, I’ll be like, “just say you have AIDS. Like, just tell him you have AIDS.” Then he’ll be like, “when did you find out?” I’ll be like, “I just found out, like, five minutes ago.” “You don’t seem that bummed out.” “Well, I’m just happy to be here, so let’s wrap this shit up, man.” For some reason, I pictured him asking me to prove it, which they would never be like, “prove it,” and you’re like, “oh, I left my aids card at home.” I don’t have it on me.” Then I go, “that’s way too dramatic. Just dial it back.” I’m like, “ah, I’ll just say I have cancer.” That’s much more believable.” Then I start thinking of all my family members that have died of cancer, and I’m like, “man, if I say I have cancer just to get weed, I am getting cancer next fucking week.” By the time I have that thought, I’m sitting in front of the doctor. He’s like… I go, “what?” He goes, “what is your medical need for marijuana?” And the best I can come up with on the spot is, “my eyes hurt.” And he goes, “do you have vision problems?” And I go, “oh, yeah.” And he goes, “you don’t wear glasses?” And I go, “can’t. Hurts.” “Everything hurts. Ow, ow. Ow, ow.” He writes me a prescription. I go to leave. As I leave, I see the guy who’s going in next, and I don’t know why I think it’s gonna be funny to listen. ‘Cause I think he’s not gonna get it, and I’ll tell you why. I completely judged the guy, ’cause the guy’s your typical L.A. Cholo Mexican gangbanger, okay? It’s a very specific look. You’ve seen movies. You know what the fuck I’m talking about. It’s khaki dickies with an oversized white t-shirt, Chuck Taylors, an L.A. Hat, and also an L.A. Tat in, like, this general area here. So it’s like, “aw, if I lose my hat, I still have my favorite team right fucking here.” So I listen at the door. I’m like… [Laughs] And I hear the doctor go, “what is your medical need for marijuana?” And the guy goes, “I just really like the way that weed makes me feel.” And then the doctor wrote him a prescription for that. Yeah, you don’t have to lie. You can just be like, “weed’s awesome.” And he’s like, “yeah, I fucking know. “I feel sorry for all the people with diseases “that keep coming in here, man. “The last dude’s eyes didn’t even work. “It was sad. You’re lucky you have your health, ese.” “Orale.” I’m always trying to set goals. My latest goal… I’m trying to be less polite, you know? ‘Cause the world is not as polite as you’re raised to believe it’s gonna be, you know? I don’t understand why we accept that when you say “thank you,” people don’t have to say “you’re welcome” anymore. People have stopped. Now, you say “thank you,” and people give you a nod, like… I want to stab you in the fucking ears if you do that shit to me. I do. I’ll go, “thank you,” and they go… I go, “did you not… did you not just hear” what I just said to you, man?” And you get, like, a follow-up nod. So now, I skip it all. I just take shit, and I go… I find rudeness everywhere. I think the rudest person in the world is a person that waits outside of a grocery store with a petition for you to sign. What a fucking asshole you are. They do that, and do you know why that’s a shitty thing to do? They’re systematically trying to ruin your happiness. ‘Cause you’re leaving the grocery store, and you’re feeling what? You’re feeling happy. You’re like, “oh, I got soy milk. It’s gonna be a good week. All right.” And then they stop me ab… “sir, could you look at this?” I’m like, “look at what?” And they’re like, “do you want children to starve and die on the streets?” And I’m like… “Now I do… now that you just ruined my day, I do, yeah. I want you to die first, but then I want all of them to die.” I say the opposite of whatever they’re trying to fucking get me to sign. Like, “this is to teach blind people how to do Shakespeare.” I’m like, “I hope they all go deaf first.” And they’re like, “Jesus.” I’m like, “yeah, that’s fucking right. You’re the asshole, not me.” “This is to end the war in Afghanistan.” I go, “I fucking love the war in Afghanistan.” “It’s my favorite war. I hope it goes on for 1,000 years.” And they’re like, “you’re crazy.” I’m like, “that’s right. I’m crazy.” Remember my face and never ask me to sign shit again.” I can’t get over rude people. I was in a hotel a few weeks ago. I go down to the hotel gym. I get on the treadmill. I run, I don’t know, 70 miles, right? [Laughter] 170 miles, thank you. 170 miles. But I’m alone. There’s nobody in there. I’m sweating. I’m hyperventilating. [Groans] Then, out of nowhere, I just hear, “getting it in?” And I go, “Jesus Christ! What?” This guy goes, “you getting it in?” I go, “getting what in?” He says, “you getting a workout in?” I go, “doesn’t it fucking look like it?” He goes, “yeah, you just gotta keep doing it.” And I go, “okay.” He goes, “nah, I used to be like you.” And I go, “what?” He goes, “I used to be like you. “You just gotta keep eating right and keep doing it, and you’ll get there.” And I was like, “dude, I’m disabled.” [Laughter] And he was like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that.” Let me… let me point something out. It’s okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to be like them. [Laughter] Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I’m an honest person, and I’m telling you, that shit is terrifying. I don’t want to be like them. Here’s another bit of information. I also don’t want to look at them. I don’t. I refuse to watch the Michael J. Fox show because I don’t want to see shaky face not stand still for one frame. [Laughter and applause] The guy can’t eat soup. It’s depressing, okay? Try to pawn this thing off as a comedy? Get the fuck out of here. You’re bumming everybody out. How many Parkinson’s jokes am I supposed to applaud with this thing? I won’t watch the show. I’ve seen a commercial. I will not watch that show. You know why? A version of it plays in my head, and it is fucking awful. And I think it’s probably accurate. I really do. I bet you that show is nothing but setups for that shit. I bet it’s just like, here… in the next episode he goes, “dad, can you help me hammer in this nail?” And he goes, “you know they don’t trust me with those.” And then you get to go, at home, “I get it. He’s got fucking Parkinson’s.” You don’t think that’s been fucking pitched in the writers’ room? “It’s pasta night. Dad, can I get some parmesan?” “That’s one thing I can do forever.” [Laughter] “I’m good. I said I’m good.” You don’t think the episode idea has been talked about, where he goes to work, and his coworker gets to say, “you know, I got to get my wife a vibrator.” “That’s one thing my wife doesn’t need.” And then you get to go, “I get it. He’s got fucking Parkinson’s.” I don’t want to see that shit. I’m sitting at home. I’m trying to have fucking dinner. I’m sitting on my couch. We have a table, but I’m an adult, and I can sit wherever I want. So I’m sitting on the couch, about to have dinner, and this fucking… a girl… two girls… one girl… a girl… two… one… a girl… two girls… one girl who has two heads on one body comes on. Their heads face each other. Their heads are like, “Mmm.” They look like they’re gonna grunt. They look like they’re gonna go, “Mmm… Aah!” Like that, but they don’t. This comes on TV. There’s no warning on the screen, like, “hey, in a second, you might shit yourself.” Put down whatever you’re holding, seriously.” I’m sitting there, about to eat chicken paprikash, and it’s hot, and I go… [Blows] And then I look up, and I go… [screams] Ten seconds later, I’m wiping the back of my legs. Now… I’ll be honest, when she first appeared on-screen, I was like, “hey, lady, you’ve got something on your shoulder.” “No, you, you’ve got something on your shoulder.” But then, I realized, “Tommy, why are you so upset? “You love monsters.” Now… [sighs] Here’s what’s upsetting about this show. If you’re gonna air a fucking freak show, which is what that is, do you mind? Could you please include the freaky shit? That’s why we’re watching. You watch this show, the two girls with the fucking one body, two heads. [Mumbles] They’re like, “what?” “Yeah. Here’s what she likes to do. “She likes to get, fucking, her nails done. What’s the problem?” You’re like, “she has two fucking heads that face each other. Why are you cutting out scenes that I know exist?” There’s got to be days where one of them is like, “I feel like going out tonight.” “Well, I feel like staying home.” “Well, I control the legs. We’re fucking going.” Where’s that? What about people that one of ’em loves and one of ’em hates? That has to happen. They have separate minds. “We’re going to Tony’s house.” “I fucking hate Tony.” “Well, I’m gonna blow him, “so you better get ready for ball duty. Meh.” [Laughter] I can feel your judgment. I reject your judgment completely. First of all, everybody loves blow jobs. Secondly, I’m not making this shit up. If your Siamese twin sister is doling out bjs, you’re along for the ride. You don’t have to participate, but you’re at least there, I don’t know, giving notes, I guess. “Mm, mm, mm.” “You have horrible technique. Meh.” “I can see your teeth. Meh.” “Why is it so dry? Meh.” All right, we’ll move it along. I get it. Not everybody’s on board with double-headed bjs. Will you at least admit to me, and more importantly to yourself, that you would love to see the girl with two heads take a shit? Just to see if the faces match up, right? Just to see if one of them’s like… [Grunts] And the other one’s like, “hey, take it easy. It’s my ass too, you know.” Oh, come on. I really wish that each and every one of you could see my internet search history. Because I think you would all say the same thing. I think you would all be like, “this is one sick, twisted, deviant pervert, who also loves current events.” My history is literally a back-and-forth volley of, like, “big, sloppy tits” smacked back and forth by 13 cocks.” “What’s going on in Syria?” I feel badly about watching so much of it too. You know why? ‘Cause it’s lazy. I know watching that much porn is lazy. It gets in the way of other things I want to do, like learn another language. I’d love to learn another language, but there’s too much porn to watch. Why not combine the two, right? Have you seen these language videos? They are boring. “The man is sitting down.” You’re like, “all right.” Have you seen an anal gangbang? Super exciting. Here’s what I propose. You download the series, and then tutorial number one begins to play. All right? Here’s what happens. An elevator door opens. A woman is giving a guy a blow job, all right? Like, an aggressive blow job. Not one of these, like… [Hums] No. I mean, like… [Gagging] Where you’re like, “Jesus Christ! “Is the answer in there? Is that why she’s doing that?” And she has tears running down her face and slobber all over herself. And she goes… “[Gagging]”. “Which way is the subway? [Speaks Spanish] [Gags]”. You’re like, “now it’s sinking in.” Some of you didn’t like that one. I can tell by your faces. Maybe that’s because you’re more advanced and you’re ready for tutorial number two. In this one, a man is chained to a wall. His arms and his legs are chained, and he’s completely naked, and you’re like, “whoa. What’s going on here?” And then, a few seconds later, a woman enters frame, and she’s wearing, I don’t know, a 15-inch strap-on. She doesn’t say hello or tap him on the shoulder. No warning, just bow! You’re like, “holy shit!” And she just goes to hammer town. She’s like, “bow! Bow! Bow!” And you’re like, “what the fuck?” And then, after, like, the tenth stroke, she goes, “this salad is too spicy. [Speaking Spanish]”. And you’re like, “I’m learning Spanish. Can somebody pass me a Kleenex?” [Sighs] Mm. I’m married. You like that segue? I like being married. I do. You see a lot of comics, you go to shows, and they’ll be like, “I love getting out of the house, just so I can get away from that bitch.” And you’re like, “wow, sounds like you married a real fucking asshole, man. That’s awesome.” I like it. You know what the best part of being married is? You get to stop pretending. And that’s what fucking dating is. It’s an act. You’re on Broadway. For however long you’re dating, you’re doing an act, and it looks exhausting. That’s why if you’re dating and you’ve ever been out in public, and you see married people look at you like this, and you’re like, “what the fuck are they looking at?” They’re tired for you. It is… it’s an act, and it’s exhaust… you see it all… dating is a guy going, “uh, just so you know, I’m this guy.” And the girl’s like, “well, just so you know, I am this girl.” And then you get married, and you’re like, “uh, so can we knock this shit off?” And she goes, “I hope so”, “because I gotta fart pretty bad. I’ve actually had to fart for, like, four years.” “All right. Let that fart out.” Sexually liberating to get married. It is, really is. Especially for men, ’cause here’s what happens. When you start dating somebody, you know, your first thing is like, all right, you see the girl, and you’re like, “I want to get in there.” That would be… or however you phrase it in your head, right? [Laughter] Right, and then, you go out on a few dates, and as you get closer to the act… the magical act happening, a lot of times a woman will ask a guy. She’ll be like, “oh, so, like, what are you into?” What do you like?” And this is when a man’s brain goes, “don’t scare her. You could fuck this up for us.” So we lie to you, and we’re like, “oh, I like to hold hands.” “Uh, I like if you go… [Blows] On my neck. That’s cool.” Then you get married, and you’re like, “I want you to yank on my ball bag “like you’re stuck at sea and this is the only motor that’s gonna take you home.” [Laughter and applause] A lot of girlfriends can’t handle that shit. Girlfriends will be like, “ugh, what?” But a wife? A wife will go, “that it?” And you’re like, “oh, yeah, I get you for, like, 50 years.” She’s like, “yeah, I’ll spit butter in your ass.” Whatever you want, man.” Or whatever. Margarine, I don’t know. Whatever you’re into, so… olive oil. You find, the longer you’re with somebody, you’re like, everybody has something. Everybody has something weird and kinky and different. Everyb… and you suppress it, and you go, like, “oh, my god.” “If anybody knew… oh, my god. I would fucking die if somebody knew.” Everybody has something. And you’re like, “no, not everybody. What about Jim? He wears a blazer.” Jim too. Jim likes to be hit in the nuts with a wrench, okay? Jim’s out of his fucking mind. I tour the country. I ask people all the ti… I hear shit. You cannot make this sh… I was at a show. I asked people in the aud… like, “what’s your fucking craziest thing?” And a lady in the front row, she goes, “I have one.” And I go, “what is it?” And she goes, “oh, never mind.” [Laughter] I go, “what is it?” And she goes, “all right. “I like to think of different scenarios in which to kill my husband.” And I was like, “damn.” And he was sitting right there, and he was like, “that’s what’s up. That’s what she likes.” I was like, “really?” And she was like, “oh, yeah.” I go, “you go, ‘I’m super horny. “‘I had the best dream “‘that you were floating in the pool, and then I threw a cement block at your head.'” and she goes, “that would be a great one.” Same show, I swear to you, a lady goes, “I have one.” And I go, “what is it?” And she goes, “I like to sit on my husband’s face.” And I go, “that’s not that unique. You can’t really claim that that’s your weird thing.” And she goes, “yeah, but I only like to feel his eyelashes” against my butt cheeks.” And I was like, “what?” [Laughter] And she goes, “mm-hmm.” And I was like, “I didn’t even know that was a thing.” And she was like, “oh, yeah.” Like, “where the fuck have you been?” And I’m like, “what if he, like, you know, sneaks a lick”, like, ah-ah, like that?” And she goes, “I go, ‘no!'” I just want to feel squink-squink-squink.” So stop feeling weird and sit on people’s faces, all right? That’s what I want you to leave here with. Guys, we’ve covered a lot of stuff tonight. We really have. Some of you might, you know, not think highly of me. I don’t know, some of you might be like, “this guy’s fucking stupid.” Some of you might think I’m offensive. Some of you might think I’m unenlightened. I don’t know. But I will tell you this. I believe in humanity. I do. I believe we’re all here together, and I believe there’s no such thing as coincidence. And I think I can tell you the story that will also make you believe this, all right? A few years ago, I was in Washington D.C., and I was sharing a cab with a woman I didn’t know. Never met her before in my life. We’re splitting the cab. Midway through the ride, as I’m looking out my window, I hear the woman go, “hey.” And I thought she was gonna be like, “hey, like, you want to fuck or something?” And I was gonna be like, “I can’t. I’m married. So make it quick, all right?” I look over, I’m like, “what is it?” And she goes, “is this yours?” And she’s holding a wallet. And I go, “no, it’s not mine.” And she goes, “oh, it must be the previous rider’s wallet.” I’ll just give it to the driver.” And I go, “don’t do that. Look at him.” “He looks like a cab driver. “He probably smokes crack every once in a while. You can’t trust these guys.” I go, “give it to me.” I’ll get it back to the rightful owner.” And she goes, “really?” I go, “yeah.” She gives me the wallet. Now, I feel obligated to find the owner. But here’s the honest-to-god truth, I really want to. I’ve always dreamed about finding a wallet. I don’t know why. I dreamed I would find a wallet, I would open it, it would have $1,000 in it, I would get it back to the rightful owner, it would turn out to be, like, Will Smith, and then he’d be like, “do you want a helicopter?” And I’d be like, “yeah.” And then I’d be like, “I got a family in Denver. Do you like furniture?” So I open this wallet. It has $2, a grocery store rewards card, and a community college I.D. So I have found not Will Smith’s wallet. But I still try to do the right thing. I call the grocery store, I explain the situation, and I go, “can you help me out?” And they go, “no, we’re a grocery store. “We don’t track people down. Eggs are on sale. Go fuck yourself.” And I was like, “cool.” Thank you. Thank you for your help.” Then, I call the community college, and I speak to literally every department in the community college for 41/2 hours, before I finally get a contact number. I call the number, and a man answers the phone who I can only imagine has never used a phone before, ’cause he actually answers the phone with a noise. So just to break this shit down, I don’t know if you’ve ever used a phone before, but usually, when you call someone, [mimics phone ringing] And they pick it up, they say, “hello.” That’s fucking it. That’s what people say when they answer the phone. Maybe if they’re in a bad mood, “what?” Those are the two options. This man answers the phone… [Mimics phone ringing] Picks it up, and he goes, “ah.” And I go, “hello?” And he goes, “wah.” And I go, “I’m gonna talk, and then you talk.” And he goes, “yeah.” Like, it was the first time someone explained to him how fucking phone calls work. Up until that point, he was just like, “that made a noise.” “I’m gonna make a noise too. Ah.” So I go, “hey, I found this wallet.” “I was given your number. I’m trying to return the wallet.” And he says, “it’s probably my son’s wallet. “He’s always losing shit because he’s a piece of shit.” That’s the first thing… I don’t even know how to respond. I’m like, “ah.” I go, “well, can I give him his shit back?” He goes, “he’s a real asshole.” And I go, “we’re talking about your son right now?” And he goes, “yeah, I don’t think he’s gonna amount to anything.” I go, “Jesus Christ.” I go, “maybe he will amount to something” if he gets his wallet back.” And he goes, “yeah, yeah.” I’ll let him know you called.” And then he hangs up the phone without taking my information. So his plan is to go to his son and be like, “some guy found your wallet. Yeah, I don’t fucking know,” and just, like, walk away. So I’m super frustrated. I tried to do the right thing, right? I forget about the wallet. A year goes by. A year, a calendar year. I go back to D.C. I go in town, I call a friend, we go to a restaurant, just a random restaurant. We sit down, and the waiter comes up to take our order, and I go, “Justin?” And he goes, “how do you know my name?” And I go, “dude, I have your wallet.” And he goes, “oh, do you have it on you?” I go, “no, I don’t fucking walk around with your wallet.” “I don’t go, ‘I got my wallet, and I got Justin’s wallet. Now, I’m ready to go out.’ No, you fucking psycho.” And he goes, “do you want to hear about today’s specials?” And I go, “do you want to acknowledge that this is an amazing moment in both of our lives?” And he goes, “what do you mean?” “What do I mean? “I found your wallet in a cab in D.C. a year ago. “I don’t know how many cabs are here, but I think it’s a lot. “I got told no 100 times by 100 people trying to find you. “My hotel room used to look like an episode of NCIS. “There was pins and charts connecting shit to each other. “I spoke to your father, who’s not a fan. “I don’t know if you knew that or not. “I come to a restaurant at random, “I get seated in your section, “and I recognize you from your I.D. “That’s burned into my memory. You don’t think that’s fucking amazing?” And he goes, “we have a prime rib special. We also have a penne pasta.” I can’t eat. I’m like, “what the fuck?” He comes by, I go, “look, I don’t want to make a big thing here, “but I do remember that I have your wallet in my bag… “my bag in my hotel room. If you want to come by, I will give you your wallet.” And he goes, “okay.” I go back to the hotel. I hear a knock at the door. And now, I’m expecting him to lose his shit. I think the situation merits freaking the fuck out. I think he was playing it cool, and now he’s gonna be like, “I didn’t want to say this earlier. We should open a surf shop in Maui together, you know?” Or, like, “this is my newborn son. I want you to have him,” like that shit. So I hear a knock at the door. I open the door, I’m like, “hey.” And he goes, “hey, you got my wallet?” And I go, “yeah,” and I give it to him, and he goes, “cool.” And he turns around, and he walks away. No. It is not cool. So I open the door, and I see him about to get on the elevator. I go, “hey, Justin!” And he goes, “yeah.” And I go, “your dad’s right… you’re a fucking asshole”, and you’re never gonna amount to anything,” and I shut the fucking door. Applause] You fucked up, Justin. You could’ve been here, man. Thank you, guys. You were amazing. Have a great night. Thank you. Thanks a lot. [Cheers and applause]

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MITCH HEDBERG: COMEDY CENTRAL SPECIAL (1999) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mitch-hedberg-comedy-central-special1999-full-transcript/

Mitch Hedberg’s half-hour special on Comedy Central This is the uncut 37 minute version. Tonight from the Palace in Hollywood, California. Comedy Central Presents Mitch Hedberg! Thank you. Hey. Welcome to my half-hour special. Does anybody know who I am? Why did a bunch of people who don’t know who I am show it my special? That’s bullshit. All right. Everybody. This will be fun. I used to live here in Los Angeles on Sierra Bonita. And I had an apartment. And I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. That made me angry. Because I like loud music. So he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say “go around.” “I cannot open the wall.” “I don’t know if you have a doorknob of the other side.” “But over here, there’s nothing.” “It’s just flat.” All right, man. I gotta do a half-hour. You get a like me more than that. I can’t be getting through a half-hour with that kind of action. I like an escalator, man. Because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. All right. There would never be an “escalator temporarily out of order” sign. Only, an “escalator temporarily stairs.” “Sorry for the convenience.” I’m going to take it out tonight, boy. I’m going to get too loose. So check it out. This is me being loose. I rent a lot of cars. Because I go on the road. I rent cars. And when I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times I drive 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me. But it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not emergency brake. It’s an emergency “make the car smell funny” lever. You know you can’t please all the people all the time. And last night, all those people were at my show. To do this show, I had to like take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were like yes or no questions. But they were very strangely worded. Like “have you ever tried sugar?” “Or PCP?” Well, I’m a standup comedian. I got into comedy to do comedy. Which is weird, I know. But when you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say, “all right. You’re a standup comedian. Can you act?” “Can you write?” “Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy. But not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook. And I worked my ass off to become a good cook. They said “all right. You’re a cook.” “Can you farm?” I planted a carrot once. When you do comedy, you have to start strong. And you have to finish strong. Those are the tricks, right? You can’t be like pancakes. All exciting at first. But then by the end, you’re sick of them. I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised. The show’s going alright, I guess. I’m trying to feel it out. I wanted to buy a candle holder. But the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake. Man, you all got to get into my jokes harder. Don’t be – Don’t be – Don’t be giving me that applause later. When you’re rolling with it. I have 21 minutes left. And that’s a long time. I’m going to rock the show though. I went to a concert in New York City where I live. It was a heavy metal band called Monster Magnet. They were heavy, boy. The singer had no shirt on. And leather pants. And he was playing like a flying V guitar. And he stood on the monitor. And he yells at the crowd. He say… “How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?” And then he said “How many of you people feel like animals?” And the thing is… Everyone cheered after the animals part. But I cheered after the human beings part. Because I did not know there was a second part to the question. I said yes I do feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree. I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. And applause break over my infidelity. I’ve had four AIDS tests in my day. An AIDS test is very scary. It doesn’t matter what you’ve been doing. Waiting for the results is frightening. So I don’t get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call my friend Brian. I said Brian “do you know anybody that has AIDS?” “No?” “Cool.” “Because you know me.” I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of the tent. That’s a bad place for an argument. Because then I tried to walk out – and slam the flap! How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? I got to walk around a little bit. Loosen up, you know. That was just about the first part of my segment. Right there. I might go back here for a minute. Perhaps this show will work better if I”m closer to the back. I’m going to do an entire special not facing the camera. I’m gonna see how this plays. I like to drink before the show. I have a couple drinks before I go on stage. Every time people applaud, I’m always going “no, no, no.” “That’s dumb.” My manager is cool. He gets concerned. He says “Mitch. Don’t use liquor as a crutch.” I can’t use liquor as a crutch. Because a crutch HELPS me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain’t like a crutch. It’s like a step I didn’t see. But alcoholism is a disease. But it’s the only disease you can get yelled at for having. Provocateur. Dammit, Otto, you’re an alcoholic! Dammit, Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn’t sound right. I want to be a race-car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. Say, man. Can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we have to keep going in circles? Man, you really like tires. I play golf. I’m not good at golf. I never got good. I never got a hole in one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “fore!” But I was too busy mumbling, “There ain’t no way that’s going to hit him.” I bought a donut. And they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don’t need a receipt for a donut. I’ll just give you the money. You give me the donut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I –. I just can’t imagine the scenario where I have to prove I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend. Don’t even act like I didn’t get that donut. I got the documentation right here. Oh, wait. It’s back home in the file. Under D. For donut. So we all know what D is. I’m just trying to be pleasant on TV. My ma is watching. Later. I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven. It takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there. Even if I don’t want one. Because by the time it’s done, who knows? I throw a potato in. And go on vacation. My friend did this to me. My friend came up to me. And he said this. He said: “Hey, you know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” I said “dude, you gotta give me time to guess.” If you want to quiz me, you must put a pause in there. Once I went to a craft fair. I see a jar of jelly beans. I said “guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar.” “And you win a prize.” Aw, come on, man. Let me just have some. I’ll tell you what. You guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right. What’s up, everybody? Is this special or what? The Mitch Hedberg Not So Special. Whenever I hang around a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise. Because that way if we’re photographed, we are easy to identify. You didn’t get that one? Neither did I. I don’t know why I do it. I just have this thing in me. That won’t let me drop it. I have two sisters. And one is named Wendy. If you asked Wendy if I was weird, should probably say “yeah.” But that’s backwards. Because she’s weird. Because she has like a husband. And two children. And they have a family photo on top of their VCR where they’re all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there. The camera is right in front of you. But I guess something happened to the left. That made everybody happy. Except my sister is cross eyed. So she can’t quite pull it off. One eye is right on. I had a roommate. His name was Eddie. And Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter. I had a problem. I said “Ed, how do you abbreviate Arkansas?” He said “I don’t know. Just start spelling it. Then quit.” Like we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside. After a few days, the shell started to crack. Eddie’s first comment was “man, this guy is a survivor!” Like if you’re walking on a street with Eddie. And a car pulls up. And two guys get out with ski masks and guns. They say “get in the car. We’re going to kidnap you. Eddie would’ve said “shotgun.” I’d have been in the backseat with the other kidnappers. “He called it.” Last time I called “shotgun,” we had a rented limo. So I fucked up. I’m just trying to be likable up here now. I have to be likable. It’s not about likability, really. I was at a casino. I was standing by the door. A security guard came over and said: “You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking the fire exit.” As though if there were a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs, you’re never blocking a fire exit. I love casinos. I like to gamble, you know. Like whenever they advertise a casino, like a billboard, they show like a guy winning money. Like a guy holding with a money sign on them. But that’s what happens the least. It’s false advertising. Perhaps when they advertise a hamburger, they should show a guy choking. This is what happened once. I got my hair highlighted. Because I thought some strands were more important than others. I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, and you stand in front of the lunch-meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see like turkey ham. Turkey pastrami. Turkey bologna. Somebody needs to tell the turkeys – “Man, just be yourself.” “I already like you, little brother.” “You don’t need to emulate the other animals.” “You got your own thing going.” “I used to draw you.” You know if you had a couple fingers of this, you’d draw a screwed up turkey. That turkey was in an accident. If I had nine of my fingers missing, I wouldn’t type any slower. I type 101 words per minute. But it’s in my own language. I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to too. About once every three years, I think about buying a yo-yo. I’ll be at the store. And I’ll come upon the yo-yo section and I’ll fantasize about mastering it. To the point where it becomes a reference as to who I am. “Do you know Mitch Hedberg?” “Is he that guy who kicks ass on the yo-yo?” Yes, I do. He is cool. I go to a lot of bars when I’m on the road. A lot of bars have black lights. When to bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool. Except for me. Because I was under the impression that the mustard stains came out. When I’m off stage, I don’t talk very much. I’m pretty quiet, right? And I hang around people who just talk nonstop. That’s all they do. Is they talk, talk, talk. I can’t get a word in edgewise. And when I do, I usually say something like “hey, man.” “You want some taffy?” You don’t get that joke? I got a feeling y’all don’t get half my shit. What’s up with that, baby? Special. That’s all right. You know. I’m just trying to roll with it. I smoke cigars occasionally. I don’t know a lot about cigars. Like I’m at the cigar store. The man behind the counter says “what kind of cigars do you like?” Uh, it’s a boy’s. I was at a bar. I was minding my own business. No one was talking to me because I just did a show. This guy bumps into me, which is cool. But he didn’t apologize. He said “move!” I thought that was rude. So I say “go to hell!” That I started to run. He caught up with me. He had a mustache, a goatee. A pair of earrings. A pair of sunglasses. His hair was in a ponytail. And he was wearing a hat. They say “hey, you got a lot of nerve.” I say “hey, you got a lot of cranium accessories.” This is a smart crowd. When I play the dumb crowds, I have to say “you gotta lot of shit on your head.” I’m gonna get a little personal towards the last part of the set. I’m gonna do it from a sitting position. You have me sitting on the stand. It got personal, you know. People flipping around the channels. They say “what the hell?” “What’s Hedberg doing just sitting down, telling jokes?” Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind. It expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit. When I was on acid, I would see things. Like beams of light. And I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns. When we were on acid, we would go into the woods. Because when you were in the woods tripping, there was less likely a chance you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzz kill. My friend Duane was standing there raising his right hand. Swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got a way from the bear. He put his arm around my shoulder. He said “Mitchell.” “Smokey is way more intense in person.” I went to England to tell jokes. And I wanted to do my Smokey the bear joke in England. So I had to ask the English people if they knew what Smokey the bear was. But they don’t. Because in England, Smokey the bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They had Smacky the frog. It’s a lot like bear. But it’s a frog. And I think that’s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean. But frogs are always cool. Like never has there been a frog hopping toward me. And I thought “man,” “I better play dead.” “Here comes that frog.” I’ve never said “here comes that frog” in a horrifying manner. It’s always like optimistic. Like “hey, here comes that frog.” “All right.” “Maybe he will settle near me.” “And I can pet him.” “And put him in a mayonnaise jar.” With a stick and a leaf. “To re-create what he’s used to.” “And I certainly have to punch some holes in the lid.” “Because he’s damn sure used to air.” “And then I can observe him.” “And we won’t be doing much.” “In his 16 ounce world.” I like to talk about the differences between frogs and bears. I know it’s cliché. Like when there’s a frog around, I don’t have to hang my sandwiches from a branch. A frog knows they are for me. He’d rather have a fly. Because a fly zigzags. And my sandwiches do not. Unless I go like this. There ain’t no frog attack prevention pamphlet. Now if a frog is hopping toward you, do not look the amphibian in the eye. This will incite him. I wear V-neck shirts. This is a V-neck I got on. The neck is so fragile, man. I can’t wear a regular neck shirt. It hurts. And I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down. I’m at the end of my special, man. My special, baby. You don’t know. I don’t know. It’s my special. See how happy I am. Because I’m taping a special. You know how you go to a restaurant on the weekends, they get busy. So they start a waiting list. They start calling out names. They say like… “Dufresne, party of two.” “Table ready for Dufresne, party of two.” And if no one answers, they’ll say the name again. “Dufresne, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresne’s? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresne’s are in someone’s trunk right now. With duct tape over their mouth. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. We need help. “Bush, search party of three.” “You can eat once you find the Dufresne’s.” That’s the end of the normal set. I’m going to do a couple more jokes because, man, you know. I felt as though y’all were like saying… “What the fuck’s up with this guy?” I got a lot of the “what the fuck’s up with this guy?” vibe. And I certainly want my special to be funny. You know what I mean. I come out here like all – Rock ‘n roll. This is all bullshit. What the fuck, man? Let’s keep the tape rolling. Check it out. I’m gonna do a couple more. Just in case. For editing. I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet. Because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors’ coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. Mitch’s Pizzeria. This week’s coupon. Unlimited free pizza. Special note. Coupon not good at any of the Mitch’s Pizza locations. Free pizza offered with purchase… of a small Coke. Two for Tuesday. Buy one pizza. Get one franchise free. Hey, man. I want to retape my special. I feel good now. This will be the second half. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when somebody hands me a flyer, it’s kind of like they’re saying… “Here. You throw this away.” These are just editing options. I said that joke on another show earlier. My… I smile because I’m happy. I want to put that part in right there. I can’t floss my teeth, man. I can’t get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say: “Man, you don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes, I do. It’s as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I’m about to floss. I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid-back company. They said “fuck it. Cut them up.” My. My old shit works better than my new shit. I am out of ideas. Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know. Because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up. I think you like me more now than earlier. So I’m gonna redo my special. I had an apartment in Los Angeles. And I had a neighbor… Redo my special. I’m gonna redo it. Yes. I used to have really long hair. People always thought that I was high on stage. Because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long-haired guy and say… “That guy eats cake.” “He is on Bundt cake.” Mothers saying to their daughters “don’t bring the cake eater over here anymore.” “He smells like flour.” Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching? I like cinnamon rolls. That’s why I wish they made like a cinnamon roll incense. Because I don’t always have time to make a pan. Perhaps rather light a stick. And then, have my roommates wake up with false hopes. That joke is gonna be edited in. That was a pretty good reaction. I guess I got to end now. I don’t know how to end necessarily. I just feel like doing another hour. The Mitch Hedberg 90 minute special. Self indulgence. Hey, people. Look, all right. This is dumb. All right. Hey, man. What if all I say is “hey, man”? I wrote a script. And I gave it to a guy who read scripts. And he read it. And he said he really likes it. But he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said “fuck that. I’ll just make a copy.” I got to get off this damn stage. I wish there was like a trap door that would open up. And I’d fall in it. You are done. And I’d land on a couch. And have a drink. Oh, that would be silly. I got to get out of here, man. This jacket is dry clean only. Which means it’s dirty. Why like am I doing better when this special is over? Let’s do these. The B sides of the Mitch Hedberg special. I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar. Which was a bad decision. Because I didn’t know how to play it. So I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me. I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us. Or they thought we were okay. A lot of death metal bands have intense names. Like Rigor Mortis. Or Mortuary. Or Obituary. We weren’t that intense. We just went with – Injured. Later on we changed it to A-cappella. As we were walking out of the pawn shop. We became a death metal barbershop quartet. You know you go to concerts like punk rock. And the kids get on stage. And they jump in the crowd. Stage diving. People think that’s dangerous. But not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from a pool. I like KitKats unless I’m with four or more people. I’m just going to do every joke I have. You make the special. Thank you. You – you in the truck decide what is special. I used to buy a lot of M&Ms. They’re a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn’t look at you like you’re selfish. I like roast beef. All right. I don’t have a joke about roast beef. I’ll have the check. I had a box of Ritz crackers. And on the back of the box, Ritz crackers had all these suggestions. As to what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Oh, come on, man. They’re crackers. That’s why I got them. I like crackers. There ain’t no suggestions. Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn’t buy them because they are little edible plates. Like lunch-meat does not have suggestions as to what to slip underneath it. Try this. Slip a cracker under them. Pastrami. Slip a piece of bread… You have to slip things under lunch-meat. It is not a good base. I like Swiss cheese unless I’m with four or more people. I think Visine was only invented for potheads. Who else would buy Visine? Say, man, I need Visine. I don’t want people to know that I have been swimming. I’m a heroin addict. I need to have sex with women who saved someone’s life. You’re a good reaction guy. Keep the camera on that guy. I want to tell the people in the truck, whenever you’re cutting to a reaction shot, cut to him. Because you’re really good. You laugh a lot, man. It’s very pleasurable to see. My special is gonna be all cut up and shit. It’s gonna be very weird. It’s not gonna be seamless. All jerky and shit. I gotta get out of here. They’re gonna get mad at me now. I know it. I’m gonna get yelled at. I love you guys. Thanks for coming to my special.

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GEORGE CARLIN: AGAIN!* (1978) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-1978-full-transcript/

* sometimes listed as On Location: George Carlin at Phoenix Performed at the Celebrity Star Theater in Phoenix on July 23, 1978 Hi, this is George Carlin, and I thought we might take a look at some of the pictures from the days when my show business career was just starting. This is one of the earliest photos of my days as an actor. Here I’m playing the part of a baby in an early production of a play called “Hold Onto The Rail.” As proof of the intensity I brought to the role, lying nearby you can see a doll that I had recently strangled. This is a candid photo of my first manager and I having a business conference in the park, where we knew we couldn’t be bugged. In this photo I am trying out a new funny face that I had been working on for about six months. Now, here I am with, uh, two of my fellow actors from the West Harlem production of either Ben Hur or the Sound of Music. You can’t really tell from what we’re wearing there because those are our street clothes. And the person off to one side is our personal manager who insisted on being in all of our publicity photos. This is a rare photo, uh, this is a photo of me in a singing group called The Mills Brothers. Uh, we didn’t know that there was already a group in existence by that name. The Mills Brothers sued us, so we dropped two guys and changed the named to Mickey and Sylvia. This is a picture of the time I came in second in a suntan contest. The boy in the middle won, but it was, uh, later he was disqualified when it was discovered he had been using pep pills. Uh, this is the same photo with the negative reversed. As you can see, the suntans are approximately the same on the back. This is me during an early suicide attempt. I was despondent at that time because my puberty was coming along very slowly. This one was taken during the nationwide search for a replacement for Lassie. I remember this picture. I’m trying to get my dog Spotty, a fox terrier, to stand up straight and act like a collie. Uh, although he didn’t get the part, later he did go on to become Mars the Cat God, rest his soul’s manager. This is a picture of me and the boy who doubled for me during my early film career. Normally I did all my own stunts except for the scenes involving homosexuality, of course, and this boy served that purpose. This is me singing in a trio I had started which was called The Inkspots. Oddly enough, the NAACP sued the trio and forced me to drop out when I couldn’t prove there was such a thing as flesh colored ink. This is my first communion picture. It was so well received that I decided to use it for publicity, and to this day, this is the picture that I send out when producers call and ask me if I’m interested in serious acting. And that brings me to today, here in Phoenix, Arizona, where we’re going to shoot one of these comedy shows for the first time in the round. So I’ll see you around. All right, now, I’m starting to feel it Marty. Let’s go, Marty. All right. No, I want to do like, this is what guys who run do, sprinters do this, 60-yard dash. I always wonder if they’re gonna run on their fingers or what. Okay, getting ready to go. Hey, how are you there? Okay, we’re getting ready to go. We’re getting ready. All right, we’re going to hire you on good judge of character. Hi, how are you? Looks like you made it all the way out to the van during half-time. That’s good. Any time. What? Go. I can go out, on-stage? Yeah. Oh, all right. Ah, yes, thank you. Thank you. Very nice, thank you very much. Well, thank you. Well, I do thank you. And you all got here. Imagine that, we all got here. That’s what always knocks me out about the audience, the audience comes from everywhere. Audiences come from all different houses, different apartments, all over town, different rooms. Imagine that, you had to leave your room and come on to the theater. Maybe you had to drive here, that’s how a lot of us got here. You had to get in and drive the big iron thing, trying real hard not to hit anyone else in the other big iron things. But we got here. Now, all we have to do is get back again. I do think about the audience, though, I’m in the audience, too. You know, I mean, I feel like I’m in the audience, I just happen to have the best seat in the house, that’s all. I am in the audience, and I know the things you think of. I think of them too. When I’m driving to the theater going to be in the audience I’m thinking to myself, what kind of a member of the audience will I be tonight? Will I be a credit to my row? Will we win row of the year? Suppose we get some shit from another section? If there’s a fire drill, will I file out safely, or trample the shit out of my neighbor? Pardon me, fire, look out, fire, pardon me, fire, fire, look out, pardon me, fire. We never practice that one, do we, panicking. We never practice panicking, we practice going out neatly, pardon me, fire, look out, pardon me, fire, fire, yeah, pardon me, fire. We never do that, I don’t know why we practice so much. If we could learn to climb over one another, we might save a few lives. I wonder, I wonder a lot of things. I wonder what it’s like when I’m not there. Do you wonder what it’s like when you’re not there anymore, when you’re gone? You know, you were somewhere, you were over here with your friends and you’re talking some shit with them. You say we’ll see you later, Phil, we’re going downtown, and then you leave. Do you wonder what it’s like over there now? I wonder are they gonna treat me right while I’m gone? What’s it like? I wonder a lot of things, but that’s my job. My job is thinking up goofy shit. You know, that’s my job, thinking up goofy shit. My job is to think up stuff and come around and remind you of it. Cause you already knew it, you just forgot to laugh at it, that’s all. My job to remind you. I wonder about things like, I wonder if on a rainy night the sandman sends the mudman. You’d think it would be his job. I wonder why we don’t have any large craft warnings. Apparently we don’t care about the big boats, huh? I wonder why Marineland doesn’t have a display of fish sticks. I mean, it’s a seafood, I’d like to see it. In fact, I’d like to see Mrs. Paul herself come swimming by. Hi, boys. I wonder if a centipede wants to kick another centipede in the shins, does he kick one leg at a time, or does he stand on 50 and kick with 50? I wonder why there are not waiters in waiting rooms. They’re all in the restaurant. I wonder why women wear evening gowns to nightclubs. Why don’t they wear nightgowns? And I wonder why fluorescent lights seem afraid to come on. Have you ever noticed, you turn them on and they go blip, blip, blip, blip, blip… finally they’ll come on after you coax them a little. I wonder why Kleenex doesn’t have a target in the middle of it. Don’t you think we need a bulls-eye right in the middle of the Kleenex? I wonder about hats. Did you ever notice that when you have a hat on for a long time, it feels like it’s not there. And then when you take it off, it feels like it’s still there. That’s creepy. I wonder about frog’s legs. In those restaurants where they serve frog’s legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? What, do they just throw it away? I mean, they don’t have frog torsos on the menu. They must be doing something with them. They throw them away. Can you imagine a barrel full of frog bodies in the restaurant and some drunk coming down the alley, oh, goddamn. I wouldn’t wanna see that. I wonder about who empties wishing wells. Who the hell empties the wishing wells? That’s our money. I’ve never seen an accounting. Does anybody ever tell you, no, gone, just gone. Someone picked it up, someone emptied the well. I’m sure they don’t come around at 3:00 in the afternoon on Sunday with a little girl in her first communion dress dropping a dime. 3:00 in the morning, black T-shirts empty the wishing well. It’s our money and I want some of it back. I wonder if movie directors have credits on their dreams. And I wonder why there’s no blue food. Where the hell is the blue food? Every other food is represented… I mean, every other color, every other color is represented. I mean, every color… okay, red is raspberry, cherry and strawberry, orange is orange, yellow is lemon, green is lime, brown is meat. There’s no blue food. Why the hell was blue left out of the food thing? Somebody’s got the blue food, goddammit. Somebody’s got it. It probably bestows immortality, that’s why we haven’t been given any. And don’t say blueberries, we know they’re purple. You look at a blueberry and you see that sucker is purple. Bleu cheese, no, bleu cheese is just white cheese with a bunch of mold in it, man. And bluefish, God knows, you open one up they’re every color under the sun. Well, enough of that shit. I wonder, I wonder which came first, skilled workers or unskilled, and who decided? I figure originally all we had was workers, and then they decided, this is hard. And they called themselves skilled. And someone else came along they couldn’t do it, poor unskilled son of a bitch. They moved right past his ass, man, when he was just in the landing area. Do you think maybe Charlie McCarthy has little wooden balls? I’ve always wondered that. Hi, Charlie, hi, Charlie. You know what I wonder about, I wonder we buy flowers. Why do we buy flowers? They’re free. They grow all over. Yet, we buy them, we pay good money for flowers, flowers that are dying, I might add. That’s a little strange, flowers is one, flowers is one of the few things that you buy, you bring it to your house, and if they die you don’t give a shit. Normally, you’d be asking for your money back on anything that died. Are you kidding me, these things keeled over on the piano. Flowers. I wonder why I’ve never seen anyone cleaning a church. Have you? I’ve never seen someone cleaning a church. A lot of things go on in church. You never see a cleaning crew going in there with pails and mops and shit. It just never happens. Why don’t they clean churches? You know why? Churches don’t need to be cleaned, they clean themselves overnight. That’s how they know they’re churches. Come back the next morning, shit, it’s still clean, must be a church. Does the time bother you? I get bothered by the time. Not so much the time itself, the people bother me for the time. People come up to me on the street, I’m sure you’ve had this happen to you, people come up to you and say what time it is, or they might say what time is it? I shouldn’t get into these ballads. You’ve had people come up to you and say, what time is it? What time is it? As if you personally were responsible for keeping time. You know, I feel, I feel honored, first of all, that they thought I was the man in charge. But I do have to explain, you don’t see official timekeeper on here, do you? I don’t have the time of course not. Do you have the time? That’s another way they say it, do you have the time? I say, uh, no, I don’t believe I do. I certainly didn’t have it this morning. Did you leave it somewhere? Well, do you have the time? No, I don’t have the time. I use a little of it like everyone, you know, but I don’t have it. I think, I think the Navy has it, in Washington. Isn’t that, they keep it in an observatory, that’s right. Sure, they let out a little of it each day. Not too much, they wouldn’t want to give us too much, just enough time. Sometimes they’ll say, do you know what time it is? And I say, yes. I hate to disappoint them, but there is no time. There is no time. I don’t mean there’s no time, I mean there’s no time. When the hell is it? We made that whole thing up. There’s no time, we made it up. It’s a manmade invention, time. There are no numbers up in the sky. I’ve looked, they’re not there. We made this stuff up, when is it? When the hell is it, when are we, I ask you, when are we? Sometimes we think we know where we are, but we don’t really know when we are. When the hell is it? All the time zones are different, every calendar you run across is different. They’ll all give you a different answer. These are calendars, these are made to… to keep track of time. Everybody’s got a different one. The Chinese are way up there in the 5 and 6000’s, Hebrew calendar is way up in the 5 and 6000’s, we’re up at about 1977. Well, shit, this ain’t a couple of weeks these people are off, this is thousands of goddamn years that are missing, man. How did they do that? We don’t, we don’t know when the hell is it, it could be the middle of last month, for all we know. I mean, time is so, we’ve got it down so perfect that every four years we have to stick in an extra day just to make sure it still works, and we call it February 29th. Bullshit, it’s March 1st and I know it. It just feels like March 1st. You can’t keep track of the time, what’s the sense. Give you an example, there’s a moment coming, it’s not here yet, it’s still on the way, it’s in the future, it hasn’t arrived, here it comes, here it is, oh, shit, it’s gone. There’s no now, there’s no now, everything is the near future or the recent past. But there’s no present. Welcome to the present, whoosh, gone again. It’s just so imprecise. We don’t even care to use the minutes and seconds and hours that we’ve been given, everybody’s very vague about the time. They say what time you got, I got, uh, I got just after. Just after, geez, I must be slow, I had going on. And where did that imprecision begin? Why is it we’re not so sure? I know one of the clues that happened to me was when they started telling me about moments when I was a kid. They were trying to teach me how to tell time, and of course, you can’t tell time, time tells you. But they were trying, they were trying to show me. Now the big hand, I said I don’t have a big hand. Never mind, look at the clock. And the clock is so wonderful, there’s so much emotion attached to a clock face. I hate digital clocks. Digital clocks rob me of all the emotional experience of the spatial relationships on that face of the clock. Isn’t it true, I mean, don’t you always feel that this half hour when it comes down from 12 down to 6 goes by a lot quicker than this half hour when it has to come up fighting gravity all the way? I know, it does go a lot quicker, yeah. Oh, I got ya, yeah. I’ll tell ya, I’ll tell ya this, if I only have a half to live, I want it to be this one, man. I wanna last just a little bit longer than this one here. It’s vague, that’s all I’m saying, it’s very vague how we treat time. We have all these wonderful expressions, we say now, now is an interesting one. When, now, you want that now? Yes. Well, would you like to try again. Or sometimes just now, just now, did you hear that? What? Just now. You must mean just then, don’t you? Yes, just then, but there it goes again. When? – Now? – No, not now. Pardon me, do you have the time? When do you mean, now or when you asked me? This shit is moving, Ruth. We got a lot of these vague terms, right away, immediately, at once, lickety split, just like that, nothing flat, drop of a hat, no time at all, as quick as you can say Jack Robinson. I’m sure you’ve done that to people, I’ll be back before you can say Jack Robinson. Jack Robinson, you’re not back. How about, a jiffy, a jiffy, or a flash? Which is quicker? A jiffy or a flash? I think there are two flashes in a jiffy, myself. But God knows how many jiffies there are in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. And why did they use two shakes of a lamb’s tail, what’s wrong with the basic unit of measurement, one shake of a lamb’s tail? We can do our own arithmetic, thank you. Belched a little there. Tried to swallow that one. Then we have words like soon. Soon, that’s a very emotional word, there’s a lot of potential for drama in that word, soon. Soon, soon, is your mother coming home? Uh-huh. When? Soon. Real soon. As soon as she can. Sooner than you think, that’s kind of a spooky one, Sooner than I think? That’s a little bit like before you know it. I’ll be back before you know it. He did it, holy Christ, look at that. And we go on with these terms that we use, these vague terms of time, one of these days, before long, any time now. Well, that’s true, everything is gonna happen any time now. Any day now, that’s kind of a snotty one, any day now. Hey, I’ll be giving you that five bucks I owe you, Bill. Yeah, any day now. Sooner or later, now and then, once in a while, from time to time, in a little while. In a little while, that will just be a little while. That’s a wonderful one, and I just love that. It sounds so benign, just a little while. Couldn’t hurt you, could it? You can wait a little while. It’ll only be a little while longer, just a little while. That’s so different from a short time. Short time sounds sound almost terminal, doesn’t it? You only have a short time. Whereas you have a little while. Oh, I’d rather have a little while than a short time. You know, we’ve got long ways we measure time, we’ve got vast distances of time we measure. People will say things like kingdom come, I’m… I’m gonna be standing here till kingdom come. Shit, I don’t have that on my watch. Doomsday, you say? Doomsday. Till the cows come home. Now, that’s an easy one to understand, that’s long about dusk, isn’t it? If you leave them out overnight they’d burst. Here’s a long period of time, forever. Some people will tell you, gosh, I’ve been standing on this line forever. Look at this, Dave, this man has been standing on line forever. He looks fairly fresh to me. Almost like an eternity, people will tell you, it’s… it’s almost like an eternity, as if they had experience with eternities. Now, you must have a favorite period of time. I have some favorites, I just want to try a few of them on you. It isn’t easy, uh, to select a favorite period of time, so many of them are attractive, but there are little periods of time that, um, that you might relate to. Of course, the most basic period of time I feel is five minutes. That seems to be the one everyone chooses. If they need to think of a period of time real quickly, they just go five minutes, just five minutes, I’ll be there in just five minutes, give me five minutes, would you please just, would you just give me five minutes? Are you kidding me, I can fix that shit in five minutes. Five minutes, that’s all most people want, five minutes, a good, solid, nice period of time. You can do anything for five minutes, can’t you? I mean anything. Even things you really hate. Yeah, you can probably do it for five minutes. Hey, let’s go talk to Ted. Are you kidding? Ted’s an asshole. Look, just five minutes, huh? Okay, let’s give him five minutes. Not ten, ten I can’t make, now you’re getting into double digits, you’re starting to fool with my head. Time, five, ten minutes. Fifteen minutes is popular, you hear fifteen quite a bit. But it’s, it’s sort of an institutional one, it’s kind of an official time period, 15 minutes. Has a touch of regulatory, uh, quality to it, doesn’t it? It sounds like something you’re not supposed to do, or have to do for 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes. I like 20 minutes. Doesn’t that sound free compared to 15, 15 minutes? Twenty minutes. I’ll be back in 20 minutes. Gosh, what’s he gonna do? Do you have those news stories for me? Maybe let’s go to the news reports, man. Tell us what’s going on around the world. God knows you’re not home to find out. Thank you, thank you, Walter, let’s do it. I just want to keep you up to date, there’s a few things that have happened while we’ve been sitting here, and it’s not nice to ignore the rest of the world. Let’s take a look, I’d like to take a look at the news. First of all, the headlines, three Shriners have been killed in a whoopee cushion explosion, 21 killed in 21-gun salute, rapist swallows whistle. Oh, the head of the lost and found has been reported missing. And a vegetarian has been beaten to death by a meat packer. Oh, some vegetarians? Have I been ignoring your section? I’m really sorry. Well, we’ll be okay, though, cause, um, you know, I just can’t think of everything. But I’m now, I’m gonna do about 10 straight stories just for these folks here. Back into the news. Police fired over the heads of rioters today, however they killed 200 people standing on a balcony. A 107-year-old woman in Florida is reported to be pregnant. Physicians claim that because of her advanced age, she will have a grown-up. Scientists have discovered a new disease which has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there’s no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far. A man has barricaded himself inside of his house, however, he is not armed and no one is paying any attention to him. The Surgeon General announced today that saliva causes stomach cancer. However, only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time. A woman was severely injured today when she attempted to force breast feed a wildcat. And the results of the latest Gallop Poll have come in. It seems that 29 percent of the people were not home, 14 percent of the people made believe they weren’t home, 6 percent of the people could not operate the doorknob, and 3 percent were wearing underwear and had to stand sideways. The Bureau of Indian Affairs announced today that they have found another Mohican. Accordingly, all the books are being called back in and will be changed to read The Next To the Last of the Mohicans. In France today, a baby was born wearing glasses and holding a Quaalude. A high-speed chase ended today when the car stopped and the people got out. A dog exploded on a busy downtown street corner today. No one was killed, however 12 people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that 50 to 60 fleas also lost their lives in the blast. Scientists in Switzerland announced today that they have been able to make mice fart by holding them upside down and tapping them on the stomach with a pencil. A Milwaukee man has been arrested for attempting to use food stamps to mail a box of macaroni. Earthquake, an earthquake has hit the maternity home… maternity home, there’s no such place as a maternity home… an earthquake has struck the maternity hospital, three people were killed, however, six people were born. A priest who has performed 300 exorcisms was eaten today by a green boogie man. Out at the lake in City Park today, police arrested a one-armed man who was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle. A man at a tool and die company, died today when he was hit with a tool. A severely disturbed geography teacher has been arrested after killing six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. A man in Detroit is suing a soup company, claiming that a bowl of alphabet soup spelled out an obscene message to his wife. A heavily-armed man in Seattle has taken six hostages, he’s demanding $3 million and someone to share driving and expenses to St. Louis. Police today announced they have broken up an amphetamine ring, narcotics detectives broke in and arrested six out of ten of the speed dealers they had under suspicion. The other four got away by running completely across Canada. A man who was shot in the chest nine times yesterday and refused treatment… died today… of nine shots in the chest. A man in Cincinnati is suing a hospital, claiming he entered the hospital for a vasectomy and was castrated instead. When the chief surgeon was asked how such a mistake might happen, he said, well, it all started out as a joke. We were pretending we were going to castrate him and he got real snotty so we offed his balls. The man himself was philosophical about it, he said well, it’s just that much less to wash. Tragedy struck the parade today as an open manhole claimed the lives of 1200 marchers, one at a time. A man who shot and killed all 12 members of a jury which convicted him last year, goes on trial again today. A set of Siamese twins which was surgically separated six months ago was sewn back together again today because each of them only knows one half of the combination to their locker. A man who has… a man who was… this is kind of one where you’re gonna moan, but I’m gonna do it anyway. Okay, a little pre-moaning, that’s nice. Visine, do they look that red? Would you hold that for me. Oh, hey, now I need it, now I need it. It’s like starting a fire for the charcoal burner, you know? God, well, that’s gonna be nice, That’ll really… Well, anyway, would you hold them both for me. Now you’re under arrest. Here comes the Wisine, as we say, in the middle part of Europe. Well, there ain’t much of this left, but there is one final story that I would like to wind up with, folks, and I do thank you for that Visine, but I didn’t smoke at half-time, so if they’re red, it’s just natural eyeball blood pressure, or whatever you call that shit. I was, the one you were gonna moan about, I was gonna tell a man… about a man who was scheduled for a heart transplant who decided not to have it. He had a change of heart, you know? I love that shit, that’s why… I know why you’re moaning, because you wish you had thought of the goddamn thing yourself. I have to think that. Like to wind up the news tonight with sort of a little story, kind of a human interest story about man’s best friend. It seems that 65-year-old James Driscoll was asleep in his downtown hotel room last Wednesday when he was awakened by the sound of a dog barking. When he woke, he found the room was full of smoke, he could not see, and the dog led him out of the room, down the hall, and into an elevator shaft where he plunged eight stories to his death. I want to do a… a nostalgic thing here for my own sake and for the request of a couple of people that are on the crew that are listening or looking through viewers, or listening on headsets or whatever, and do a little, uh, weather forecast from Al Sleet, Al Sleet, the hippy-dippy weatherman. Hey, baby, what’s happening. Que pasa? Que what you call your pasa? Al Sleet here, your hippy-dippy weatherman, with all the hippy-dippy weather, man. Brought to you by Parson’s Pest Control. Do you have termites, waterbugs and roaches? Well, Parson’s will help you get rid of the termites and waterbugs, and help you smoke the roaches. Hey. Temperature at the airport is 88 degrees, which is stupid, man, cause I don’t know anybody who lives at the airport. Now if you’ll take a look at our national weather map, you’ll see that we don’t have one. So try to picture last night’s map in your mind. Remember all the letters and lines, all them little numbers. The weather is dominated by a large Canadian low, which is not to be confused with a Mexican high. Tonight’s forecast, dark, continued dark tonight, turning to partly light in the morning. Old Al, Al got out of the weather business and he’s, uh, he’s now a, a linoleum, uh, quality control inspector in a linoleum plant. Al, he only wanted to get out of the media. You know, he said fuck it, I don’t need it. And, uh, hey, who can blame him. I don’t know, but Al got out of weather when he realized he had given the… the final weather forecast. He had given the ultimate forecast, there was nowhere to go. You know, when there’s nothing left to conquer in your field, hey, it’s time to leave. And old Al had given the ultimate forecast, he told us, he said one night that the weather will continue to change on and off for a long, long time. Then he was gone from it. God bless Al. Okay. Yes, you’re all, you’re all going to die. Didn’t mean to remind you of it, but it is on your schedule. Yes, it probably won’t happen when you want. It usually comes along when you’re not expecting. Generally you have your stamp collection out, you know? Now? Now. Just want a little time to put away your hinges, you know? No, there’s a time to die, and it’s okay, you know? It’s really okay. Nobody wants to die, nobody. Well, you know, ha ha, most people don’t wanna die. Nobody wants to die. Boy, if you think being sick is no fun, dying is really a pain in the ass. Nobody wants to die. People don’t mind being dead, being dead is great, but getting dead, nobody wants to get dead. So I hope I don’t die. I wonder how often we think that, you know? It’s just under the surface, isn’t it? You go out for the day, going out of your house, geez, I hope I don’t die. It would really spoil the circus if I were to die. Geez, I hope I don’t die. Comedians don’t wanna die. It’s only a metaphor, but it’s true of all of us, we don’t wanna die out there. A comic’s gonna die, I don’t want to die. Geez, I was dying out there, I was dying, it was death out there. It was like a morgue. I don’t wanna die. Of course, if the comedian doesn’t die, you know? If he succeeds, if he makes you laugh, then he can say, I killed ’em. I killed ’em. So, it’s either me or you, you know, just like on the freeway. Yeah, dying shouldn’t be that bad, it shouldn’t be that bad. We’re all gonna do it, it’s one of the few fair things in life, everybody catches it once. And dying should be fun, there should be some sort of a look ahead. I mean, after all, when you die you’re gonna find out where you go. Haven’t we been wondering about that a long time, where the hell we go. Isn’t that the biggest thing we have to wonder about, where the hell do you go? I don’t know. Joe thinks he knows. I know Joe thinks he knows, but Joe don’t know. Where do we go? Nobody knows. Well, I think sometimes you go where you think you’re gonna go, whatever you think you’re gonna do, that’s where you’re probably gonna go. If you keep saying you’re gonna go somewhere, chances are you might go there. You ever hear those guys say, I’m going to hell, don’t pray for me. Don’t pray for me, I’m going to hell. He is. You go where you wanna go. I think when you die, your soul goes to a garage in Buffalo. When Monte Hall dies, he’ll go behind Door Number 4. That’s it, where you wanna go. No, nobody wants to die, and you know part of the reason we don’t wanna die is because of that goddamn funeral. We’ve seen it, we know how bad news it is. That funeral is no fun. Man, if I don’t like other people’s funerals, I know I’m not gonna like my own, man. There’s no way I can get behind my own funeral. Gonna be lying there in a casket, they’re gonna put me in the box, gonna put me in a convertible with the top down. You know that’s embarrassing, lying there and everybody’s looking at you. You’re dead, and they’re looking. You’re just lying there still, people coming over going… they don’t know that you’re lying there with short pants on and no back in your jacket, embarrassing. And sometimes they’ll come over, you know, some people it depends on your religion and so forth, but they do come right over to the casket a lot of times and they’ll go like this. And they’re silent for a moment, and what they’re doing while they’re silent is, they’re subtracting their age from your age, so they get a rough estimate on what they have left. And they get up and they say, don’t he look good? Don’t he look good? You crazy, he’s dead. I know, but he never looked that good. Well, they say the nicest things about you, they say the nicest things when you die. Your popularity goes straight up when you die. They say the greatest things there are that can be said, they’ll even make stuff up if they have to. Well, he was a real asshole, but he meant well, you know? He was a well-meaning asshole. Yes, you get so popular when you die, all the flowers you get, think of the flowers you get when you die. You get more flowers when you die than you got in your whole life. All your flowers arrive at once, too late. And guys will say, oh, yeah, well, you know Bill is dead, yeah, poor Bill, poor Bill is dead, yeah. Poor Dave, yeah, poor Dave is gone now. Ed, yeah, poor Ed is gone. Dan, that motherfucker is still alive, isn’t he? I wish he would die so I could like him. Reincarnation is another aspect of death that a lot of people will tell you little tales about it. Reincarnation, coming back, a lot of folks are sure of it, they can come back, you come back as something. I don’t know, does it seem right to you that it would work? I mean, mathematically, it doesn’t seem to work, because originally on this earth we only had, well, let’s say six people. I know we had two, but it’s a controversial number. Let’s say at one time there were only, there were only six of us, about, six people, six souls. And those six people died, and those souls went back to the staging area, and new people were born and those six souls came back. We still only have six souls. Now, we have four billion people claiming to have souls. Where are all these extra souls coming from? Someone is printing up souls, and it lowers their value. The more souls there are, the less they’re worth, it would seem. Well, somebody’s got to think of this shit, you know? How about the perfect murder, I’ve thought sometimes about the perfect murder. You know what you do, you pick up one person by the ankles and you beat another person to death with him. And they both die, and there’s no murder weapon, hey. What happened here, sergeant? Looks like a pedestrian accident to me. They must have been moving at quite a clip. Of course, if you should be caught with this perfect murder in progress, or even after the fact, if you should be caught you might wind up on death row. Death row, wow. That’s more than just fun, ain’t it? I mean, there’s cats there, death row, man, shit. Oh, well, you got that one meal, but that’s not much of a consolation, is it? You’re gonna get to order your meal, big deal. Why don’t you leave me alone, I’m not hungry, man. They give you that one last meal. I say, you can have some fun with that last meal. I mean, if you work it right. They gotta give you whatever you want. I mean, short of elephant steak, you know? They don’t wanna start on a new elephant just for one guy. But they gotta give you pretty much what you want, that’s part of the humanity of what they’re going to do to you. Yeah, you could just order something, you know, like maybe, well, shit, you tell them you can’t decide. That’s it, I can’t decide. I don’t know, I don’t know if I want steak or lobster, you know? I mean, I really love them both and I honestly can’t decide. Could they kill you? I don’t think they could kill you if you honestly couldn’t decide. Lie detector, truth serum, the man honestly doesn’t know what he wants. We can’t very well kill him, we can’t drag him down the last mile screaming, I don’t know what I want. You gotta give him a chance, and then he… well, man lives. Imagine if you worked it out and you kept it going six months, man is still alive, can’t decide on meal. Three years, eight years, and then finally you’re an honest person so you tell them when you do figure it out, and you say I’ve decided what I’d like, I think I’ll have steak. Okay, how did you want that? Oh. Well, my feeling is, if you’re gonna die, you know, or if you know, hey, die big. Die big. Nobody wants to just pass away. You don’t want to be a euphemism, do you? Nobody wants to pass away. You know, Arnie passed away. Oh, really? Yes. Well, I didn’t know that. Well, that’s the idea. On the other hand, Dave died. Oh, yes, I heard about Dave dying. That’s true. I say die big, give it a shot, man, go out big, it’s your chance. Die big, work in a few posthumous reflexes for your friends. Give them a show before you go. Entertain and uplift and instruct those you are leaving behind. When you die, give them a few posthumous reflexes. You know, the body does store electricity up, there’s a certain storage of electricity, and even a dead body, a corpse, will occasionally go (sound). And I say if you have that potential after you’re dead, use it properly. Pre-program, before you die, pre-program some posthumous reflexes that will be entertaining to those you’ve left behind. Do something to capture their imagination, roll over on the autopsy table. That’s nice. Cross your legs, scratch your balls, do something. Now, the only reason, the only reason that I even suggest that you have a choice about what you can do at the moment of death, is a very little known and very little understood part of the death process called the two-minute warning. Many people are not aware of it at all, the two-minute warning. Just as in football, two minutes before you die you receive an audible warning, two minutes, get your shit together. The reason we don’t know about it is because the only people who hear it, die. And I don’t think we’d believe someone anyway if he told us he’d received his two-minute warning, would you? Some asshole on the bus, hey, I just got my two-minute warning. You’d think it was a coach out on the town, you know? But no, the two-minute warning does arrive, and I say use that time to entertain, to leave something behind. Do something with the two minutes, hey, if nothing else give a speech, a little two-minute speech. We can all give a little two-minute speech. Just pick some subject you’re very fond of and talk about it for two minutes, I mean, tell them. It’s your last chance to tell them anything, so tell them. You got two minutes, and I mean wax eloquent, rise, bring it to the rafters. And then at the moment of the end you say, if this is not the truth, may God strike me dead. Well, that leads me into the filth, and, uh, to kind of wind up. Thank you. You know, that’s the trouble with it, is trying to decide what to call these words, man. I’m trying to decide what to call this whole thing. You know, what are these words that I’m talkin about, they’re just words that we’ve decided, sort of decided not to use all the time. That’s about the only thing you could really say about them for sure, that they’re just some words, not many, either, just a few, that we’ve decided well, we won’t use them all the time. Sometimes, well, hell yeah, sometimes it’s okay, but not all the time. And they’re the only words that seem to have that restriction. I mean, there are a lot of words you can say whenever you want, you know, pneumonia. Nobody gives you a lot of… all right, you can’t yell it in the hospital a great deal, but what the hell. There are words that you can say, no problem. Topography, no one has ever gone to jail for screaming topography. But there are some words that you can go to jail for. There are some words that we just have decided we will not say all the time. Sometimes, okay, if you’re running through the jungle chasing somebody that we’re at war with you can holler them. If you’re shooting a criminal it’s okay, it’s the all American thing, dirty, fucking crook. But if you’re with the bishop’s wife at lunch, it’s better not to ask for the goddamn lettuce. You know what I mean, it’s just like we’ve decided there’d be some words we won’t say all the time. And I was just trying to find out which words they were, for sure, all of them. I wanted a list. Cause nobody gives you a list, that’s the problem, they don’t give you a list. Wouldn’t you think it would be normal if they didn’t want you to say something to tell you what it is? Nobody even tells you when you’re a kid what the words are that you’re supposed to avoid. You have to say them to find out which ones they are. Shit, ahhhh. Oh fuck, ahhhh. That’s two. Oh, ma, that’s enough trial and error, huh? Please, ma, give me a list, huh? All right, you’re six years old now, and here’s the list of words your dad and I don’t ever want to hear you say. Oh, hey, thanks ma. Boy, that’s gonna save me an ass kicking or two. Ahhhh, ohhh. Yeah, you never know what’s gonna be on the list, cause it’s always somebody else’s list. You didn’t make that up, somebody told you that shit. They told you, better… better not say that, so you’re gonna… and you don’t know what’s gonna be on their list. God, people’s lists even change from day to day. Some people on Friday night got a list, you know, about two or three words. Sunday morning, goddamn, there’s 27 words on it. These are the same people, two days later, different list. So you’ve gotta kind of watch out what you’re gonna believe from them. The trouble is, I was trying to find out what these words might be, and I wanted to know the ones that you could never say on television. I mean, the filthy words that are always filthy. There are a lot of these little two-way, double entendre words that have two meanings, words that they’re okay part of the time. I call them like, part-time filth, some of these words, they’re only 50 percent dirty. You have words like ass. Ass is hardly even a dirty word anymore, but it has a few meanings that you can’t say on television, that’s what I was talking about, what can you say on television. That’s another one of those places where we can’t use these words all the time. But some of them are all right, some of the time. Ass is all right on television. You can say on television things like, well, you’ve made a perfect ass of yourself tonight. But you can’t say, hey, let’s go get some ass. Bitch, bitch is another word like that, same kind of word, it’s only dirty part of the time, depends on what you mean by bitch. You might be the lady from the San Diego Zoo visiting one of the Tonight Shows, and you might just have a bunch of little canines with you there. One of them is a female, and you say there’s the bitch, Johnny. And it’s okay, fine. Just don’t refer to the singer the same way, that’s all. Is that bitch gonna do another number? Yes. Animals are fine on those two-way words. And that’s it, that’s what I was trying to find, the words that were always dirty not just part of the time, but completely filth. Well, in… in looking for these words I kept finding new categories. We have so many ways of describing these dirty words, it’s, well, we have more ways to describe dirty words than we actually have dirty words. That seems a little strange to me. It seems to indicate that somebody was awfully interested in these words. They kept referring to them, they called them bad words, dirty, filthy, foul, vile, vulgar, coarse, in poor taste, unseemly, street talk, gutter talk, locker room language, barracks talk, bawdy, naughty, saucy, raunchy, rude, crude, lewd, lascivious, indecent, profane, obscene, blue, off-color, risque, suggestive, cursing, cussing, swearing. And all I could think of was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits, man. That’s all we have, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. That was my original list. I knew it wasn’t complete, but it was a starter set, you know? …mention WBAI? Shit, piss, fuck… yes, WBAI is the one who played them… shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Now, that was the original list. We’ve added a few words since then, we’ve added fart, turd and twat. And I know there are some other words that many of you are wondering about, why they haven’t been considered, why they haven’t shown up on the list thus far. We’re looking at them all very closely. Some of your favorites might make the list this year; asshole, ballbag, hard on, piss hard, blue balls… nookie, snatch, box, pussy, pecker, peckerhead, peckertracks, jism, joint, donicker, dork, poontang, cornhole and dingleberry. Dingleberry, a very popular word. And to my way of thinking, dingleberry a rather innocent sounding word, dingleberry, sounds Christmasy to me, you know? Let’s put one on the tree, dad. So, the words, as I say, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd and twat. Now, motherfucker came off the list immediately. The first day in fact I had a call from an English language purist, some guy had to, he had to talk, you know? He got on the phone. He tells me I have a duplicate on the list, I have a duplication. He says motherfucker is a duplication of the word fuck, technically. Because fuck is the root form, motherfucker being a derivative, therefore, it constitutes duplication. And I said, hey, motherfucker, how did you get my phone number anyway? How did he know I even had a phone? I said look, man, it may be a derivative, but you still can’t say it. You still can’t say motherfucker on TV, can you? He said no, but you can’t say fuckee, fucking, fuckola, fuckarooni or fuckarino, either. Well, I said, yeah, that would crowd up my list something awful. So I just struck that motherfucker away. I struck it from the list, motherfucker was gone. Now, the list was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits. Does is sound like something’s missing? Does it sound like an old friend is gone? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits. Remember the old rhythm? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits. Now, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits, it falls apart. It isn’t going anywhere. And by now, cocksucker is the dominant word on the list. Previously, with motherfucker on the list, cocksucker was somewhat balanced out. They were the only multi-syllabic words on the list. But now cocksucker stands alone, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits, And who knows, maybe it doesn’t belong either. After all, motherfucker turned out to be a ringer, let’s take a look at cocksucker, see if this one belongs. We’ll divide the word cock and sucker from each other, those words. Sucker isn’t dirty, sucker, it’s suggestive as hell, but it isn’t dirty. And cock, that’s not dirty all the time, that’s one of those words that’s only partly filthy. Cock, if you’re talking about the animal, it’s perfectly all right. They used to read that to us from the bible in third grade, and we would laugh, man. Cock is in the bible. Remember the first time you heard about a cock fight. What? No. Get out of here. Get out of here. Even the word cocksucker itself has been twisted out of all of its original meaning, it’s been distorted. For some reason now, cocksucker means bad man. It’s a good woman, how did they do that? How did they do that? Well, tits is on the end of the list, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits. And you know it doesn’t belong on that list. I mean, it really doesn’t belong in with that kind of heavy-weight filth. Tits isn’t dirty, tits is a cute name, cute thing, cute idea, great fun, good name. Tits, hey, tits sounds like a friend. It sounds like a nickname, doesn’t it? Hey, Tits, come here man. Hey, Tits, I want you to meet Toots. Tits, this is Toots, Toots, Tits. Tits, cute word, nice word. I love a word that spells the same forwards and backwards like tit. Don’t you think it’s cute when a word is spelled the same forwards and backwards? I always wished my name was Otto, just so I could walk backwards and yell my name, you know? Otto, Otto, Otto, well, I had strange dreams. But the word tit is on the list because you can’t say it on television. You can’t say tit, imagine that, can’t say tits. You can say boobs. Boob is spelled the same forwards and backwards, too. Boobs is all right. You can’t say tits, but you can say boobs. In fact, boobs is an answer now on Match Game. I had boobs, Gene. Boobs, $200, tits, $200 fine maybe. You can’t say tits. You can say teats, teats is all right, providing you’re on at 5:00 in the morning and a cow is your guest. But you can’t say jugs, and you can’t say knockers, you know? That’s right, Danny, pull on the cow’s knockers. Right, grab a knocker in each hand, that a boy. Now alternate knockers, good deal. You can’t say that. Tits, tits sounds like a snack, you know? Well, I know what you’re thinking, but tits sounds almost, it sounds Nabisco to me. It sounds like Nabisco has… has reserved that name. Cause tits sounds like a thing at a party, pass the tits, would you, Bill? Say, those things are… responding. Well, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd and twat. Fart, fart is like tit, it’s one of those words that isn’t that harmful. You know, it’s just a cute kind of a thing. Farts, well, farts can be a little harmful, it depends, it depends on who’s cooking. But, fart, fart is a cute… hey kids know farts are okay. Kids know farts are fun. Farts are shit without the mess, wow. Yeah, same funny sound, same vile smell, no fuss, no muss. Fart is an interesting word in this respect, talking about television, fart is extremely interesting because, dig this, you can’t say fart on television, we know that. You can’t say fart. And you can’t say fuck, either, on television. However, you can refer to fucking, you can talk about fucking, they do that all the time. Some of the times in the show you’re watching two people are probably fucking in the other room. Fucking is all right, fucking is part of the plot. A lot of plots are based on fucking. Will they fuck, should they fuck, have they fucked, did they fuck, will they fuck again, will they get sick from fucking, are they fucking too much, will they fuck each other’s friends, will they have a baby from fucking, will they be sorry they fucked, will they be glad they fucked? All fuck stories, every honeymoon joke is a fuck joke. Have you ever noticed it? Otherwise the people wouldn’t be on their honeymoon in the joke, they’d be knights or they’d sailors or something. They’re on their honeymoon, it’s got to be a fuck joke. Every little, every news… I’m sorry… every quiz master has stood there with his newlywed couple and said, and I understand you folks are on your honeymoon. Lots of fucking going on here, Lots of fucking over here. So they talk about fucking all they want, they just don’t call it that. They don’t call it what it is. They call it other things, they call it making love, which is fine, they call it going to bed with someone, having an affair, sleeping together, but they don’t call it fucking. On the other hand, fart, not only is fart a word you can’t use on television, but they never even refer to them, that’s how bad farts are compared to fucking. They don’t even refer to farts, there are no farts on television. You’ve never seen a reference to a fart, I’ve never seen a fart reference. No, wouldn’t you think that by now one guy would have gone, whew, whew. Do you think by now that one guy on the Johnny Carson panel just once would have said, hey, Ed, move down, man? Whew, wow. That was a Clydesdale fart, Ed. Give me the lighter, will ya, Johnny, wow. Geez, Ed, next time you’re sick you ought to see the nurse, you know? God, it’s not the smell so much, it’s the burning of my eyes. Well, we might live to see that, you never know. Remember when you were a kid, and maybe you were a little boy child like me, you had on short pants, maybe sitting in church, sitting on a wooden bench in church in the middle of the summer with short pants. You gotta fart, you know? And it’s up to you, you gotta work out a little maneuver that’s called the one cheek sneak. Right in tune with the organ. That’s why they call them pews, you know? Whew, whew, whew. Did you ever notice that your own farts smell okay? Say, that’s fairly decent. I think I’ll stay home today, do some reading in the closet. Now I mentioned the three extra words, fart, turd and twat. Turd is another word you can’t say on television, turd. But, you know, when you get right down to it, who wants to say it? I don’t even care if I ever hear that one again. Twat, twat is on the list for the same reason. It doesn’t mean anything else, you know? It only has that one meaning, twat’s twat, and that’s that. It’s not like prick, prick is one of those part-time dirty words. Prick is all right, you can say prick on television. You can say I pricked my finger, just don’t say you fingered your prick, that’s all. Now there are two words left which I will wind this thing up with, one of them is not, uh, dirty all the time, one of them is. Ball or balls is a word that’s mostly clean. It has many clean meanings, but… but it has a couple of meanings that might get you in trouble. And ball is one of those words you gotta think about how you’re gonna say it, and maybe you have to watch out for just a moment, but it’s okay for sports people, perfectly all right. When you’re a kid you grow up, they tell ya, go play with your ball. Really? But it’s okay for the sports announcer on the Game of the Week to tell you that Pete Rose has two balls on him, no problem at all. The whole country nods in agreement. But the announcer can’t tell you that he hurt his balls. He can’t tell Tony Kubeck, Tony, I think he hurt his balls on that play. It looks like it, he’s holding onto them. Well, that’s right, generally when they hurt their balls, they hold them, and he’s holding his, and I’d say he’s hurt them. Never mention ball injuries, they don’t say the balls were hurt, they say groin injuries. He had a groin injury. Do you know why we call it a groin injury, that’s the noise you make when you get hit there. Groin. Now, then, the other word I wanted to remind you of was the word fuck, which of course is the champ of the all-time dirty words. When they’re always dirty, by God, fuck is right at the head of the pack. Fuck’s a good, strong word. It’s a good, strong word for its purpose, and it’s a word that a lot of people have trouble with. Uh, it’s a… it’s an honest word, it’s a… it’s a forceful word, it has a lot of emotional baggage with it. When you hear the word fuck, you’re not just hearing the word, you’re hearing everything you ever heard about fucking. I mean, we have a lot of attitudes about fucking, some of them are rationale, and some of them aren’t. Some of them have joy in them, some have guilt and fear and all sorts of things, and the word fuck carries with it a lot of emotional baggage. When they say fuck. You go what, oh, oh, good. Oh, I thought you meant do it right away. God, you know, it’s, uh, it’s just a word that, that, well, it’ll clear the room awfully quick in some households. It’s a heavy, good, strong word. It’s a proud sounding word to me. Fuck, fuck, I am fuck. Who are you? Fuck of the Mountain. I just, uh, I just feel the word is getting a bad shake. The word has an image problem. The word fuck needs public relations help. It’s just a word, you know? That’s what you have to remember, it’s just a word, but it’s in such bad shape. Here’s a word that started out okay, it started out all right, nothing wrong with the word fuck originally. I mean, there it was, you’re not a bad word, you’re not a bad word, you’ve just gotten in with bad company, people. That’s all, just the word was all it was. The word in the original old English, as best I can find, fuck only meant to hit, to smite, to… to perhaps hit with a stick, to fuck the tree, to fuck the rock, to fuck thee. That’s all, and pretty soon, that’s all, I’ll hit you with my dick, honey. Look at that, that’s all it was, just a little, I’ll knock a little fuck on you there. That’s all it was, was a love tap when you get right down to it. That’s all fuck ever meant. All fuck ever meant was to make love, and to make life at the same time. That’s pretty magic. I mean, pretty noble things we think about, making love and making life, here was fuck hanging around with words like love and life. How did it get such a bad reputation? We fucked it up. Yeah, well, we… we put the aggression back into the word. Fuck you, fuck you, you fuck. Fuck you, you fuck. Who the fuck do you think you’re fucking with, some kind of a fuckhead? Fuck you. Who the fuck do you think you’re fucking with, me? Don’t fuck with me, I’ll fuck over you. You fuck with me and you’ll get fucked, you fuck. Don’t fuck with me, I’m the fucker. Don’t fuck with the fucker. God, it sounds like combat, man. It’s got an awful lot, there’s an awful lot of hostility in the way that word is used. There’s an awful lot of aggression going down in the name of fucking, imagine that. I’d just like to help a little, my feeling was, hey, here’s a word that, uh, maybe we could save, you know, just by paying a little close attention to it. The trouble is with all that aggression and all that violence, that we lose track of those two things, and people start talking about sex and violence like they’re one thing. There’s some sort of an overlapping, there’s some sort of a gray area between sex and violence that some people really are confused about. There are people running around talking about sex and violence as if it’s one thing, as if it starts with an S and ends with a E. We’re gonna stamp it out of the comics, we’re gonna stamp it out of the Dixie Cup, we’re gonna stamp it out of homes. Sex and violence, hey, they are different, after all. And, some people even like them together, there are, true, people who do like a little violence with their sex. I’m not… I don’t care for that myself, I like my violence a little earlier in the afternoon, you know? Right around 2:00 o’clock a real good ass kicking and then everything’s all right. But, uh, the word make love, not war, someone pointed it out finally, they made it very clear for us. Make love, not war. I wish I had thought of that phrase, you know? I really would have been very happy with myself if I had thought of that one. Man, I would have retired the same day. I would have left my car at the red light, man. I’d say that’s it, folks, I’m going to the beach. You got it, make love, not war. Well, I didn’t think of it, but I do have my own phrase; make fuck, not kill. It’s not as graceful a phrase, but I’m not looking to retire, either. The whole idea of make fuck, not kill, is simply to switch the meanings of the words. I suggest that for one year we trade meanings on fuck and kill, just fuck for kill, and kill for fuck, that’s it. Don’t worry about what they really are, someone else will take care of real fucking and real killing. I’m just worried about what we call it… them. We call them fucking and killing. I say switch them around. I think it would be an insight, I think we’d get a new slant on how we feel about these words if we just change fucking for killing for about a year, that’s all. Imagine it. Sure would be fun watching TV during that time, huh? Better get down off the horse, Sheriff, we’re fixing to fuck you now. Mad fucker still on the loose. Not anymore, he’s made his first big mistake, my friend, he fucked a cop today. That makes him a cop fucker. Pardon me, boys, my horse broke his leg, I’m gonna have to fuck him, I’ll be right back. Shamu, the fucker whale. And To Fuck a Mockingbird, hold gently by the wings. So all I’m trying to suggest is that fuck you can be a positive phrase. If you hear it from across the street… Fuck you. Okay. And thank you for being a part of this, and I mean it a lot. And I thank the people that aren’t here tonight that were here the other two nights. And there’s an awful lot of people to thank, but I want to do one thing before I go any further, cause I am gonna split. There’s somebody that’s very important to this project and to me. Brenda, would you please come here? I want to introduce you to my wife of 17 years. She is the associate producer, and she is my honey, and if she don’t come out here now, come here, honey, I want you to give me a kiss. My wife Brenda Carlin. Come here, honey. Thank you, lover. See you later. Thank you all, and goodnight, I love you, and fuck you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

GEORGE CARLIN: PLAYING WITH YOUR HEAD (1986) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-playing-head-1986-full-transcript/

Recorded May 2–3, 1986, at the Beverly Theater in Los Angeles It started out like any other night. I was feeling good. I’d just put in a long days work and I was really sure about this. It felt tight, no loopholes but I wasn’t about to get cocky. I’d been down this road before. Hey where’s Billy? Uh, Mexico. Yeah, he went on vacation and asked me to fill in for him while he was away, yeah. So you’re the great Mike Holder huh? I know a lot about you. What are you working on something new there? Kind of nosy ain’t ya? I’m sorry. That will be ninety cents Mr. Holder. There was something fishy about that guy. Where was Billy? He couldn’t afford Mexico. Wrong sandwich. And wrong herb tea. And my carob snack was all crumbly. Something was definitely wrong. Good evening Mr. Holder. Billy, I thought you were in Mexico. Me xico? You better get out of here kid. Golly, what’s wrong Mr. Holder? I think there’s going to be trouble. Be careful. Yeah I know. You take care now. See ya later. Just stay home. I knew there was something fishy. Who was that delivery guy anyway? What could he be after? I thought you said he didn’t suspect a thing. Get him! Get the envelope! What are you fuckin’ crazy? Get the car! Get the car! You just saw he went over the bump, couldn’t you slow it down a little? Why don’t you put some shocks on this thing? He’s slowin’ down. Wait a minute, he’s… Just knock him off the road. There’s something wrong with his car man. Put me out again. How ya doing Mr. Holder? Hey Holder slow it down will ya? You fellows ain’t allowed back there. Hey, slow down. Hey long time no see. Now listen before you make a big, big mistake you just give us the envelope. Come on man, were old pals remember? Besides you don’t want to make a fool out of yourself do you? He’s right. Well what do you say? Give us the envelope. We’ll go have a drink. We’ll talk about the old times. Come on man, give me the envelope. I mean all this arguing its really a downer. You just don’t get it do you? It’s over for you guys. Besides you wouldn’t know what to do with this. Oh you’re making a big mistake babe. Well just watch me. Babe. He’s going to do it. He ain’t gonna do shit. Hey… hello… hi there. Thank you. Thank you everybody. Hello. How ya do? Howdy, howdy, hi… how are ya? Thank you, thank you. That’s okay I appreciate it. Thank you. Hi, howdy, hello, how are ya? How do you do? How are you doing? How’s it going? What’s going on? What’s new? What do you think? What do you hear? What do you say? What do you feel? What’s shaking? What’s happening? Que pasa what’s going down what it is? Well we got all kinds of ways to say hello. We got lots of ways to say hello. You know what my favorite one is? How’s your hammer hanging? That’s a good one isn’t it? Doesn’t work too well with women you know, unless your talking to a female carpenter then it’s perfectly all right. I’ve always wanted to say that one to a high church official. “Good evening your holiness, how hangs the hammer?” So far haven’t had that opportunity. Then there’s one way to say hello that I really don’t care for, there’s one way I don’t like. You know how some people say to you, “Are they keeping you busy?” As if someone has the right to come up and give me odd jobs. They say to me, “Are they keeping you busy?” I say, “Well your wife is keeping me pretty busy, I’ll tell you that.” And that seems to hold them for about a half an hour. Then we have a lot of ways to say goodbye too. We’ve figured out all kinds of ways to say goodbye. We say bye-bye, so long, see ya later, take it easy, be cool, hang in there. You know what my favorite one is? “Don’t get run over.” Well some people need practical advice you know? And some guys will say to you, “Hey have a good one.” I say, “Hey already have a good one. Now I’m looking for a longer one.” And that seems to hold them for about a half an hour. Then you have all the foreign ways to say goodbye. You know some people when they leave ya they think they’ve got to get tricky and they’re whipping Arrivederci on ya. Avoir or Auf Wiedersehen or adios or they American version of that one, “Adios mother fucker.” Or aloha, that’s a nice one isn’t it, aloha. They say that in Hawaii of course and that means hello and goodbye, which just goes to show if you spend enough time in the sun you don’t know whether you’re coming or going. And have you noticed this? Sometimes you’ll get in a rut with the way you say goodbye. Do you ever find yourself using the same phrase over and over again with everybody and you feel a little stupid you know? Like if you’re leaving a party and you have to say goodbye to five or six people in a row and you say, “Okay take it easy. Okay take it easy. Okay take it easy. Okay take it easy. Okay take it easy. Okay.” You feel like a Goddamn moron you know. You know what I do? Every month I change the way I say goodbye. Whether I need to or not every month I start using a different phrase. People like that. They notice that little extra effort. They don’t say to me, “Pardon me, but didn’t you used to say, ‘Okay, take it easy?” I say, “Yes I did but not any more. Now I say farewell. Farewell till we meet again. Peace be with you. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” That’s a strong one isn’t it? People will remember you if you talk like that. Or sometimes you can combine several ways to say goodbye that don’t seem to go together like, “Toodleloo, go with God and don’t take any wooden nickels.” Then people don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Or you can say goodbye in a realistic manner. “So long Steve. Don’t let self-doubt interfere with your plans to improve your life.” Well some people need practical advice. Now here’s a situation you run into all the time. You notice how when you’re leaving someone a lot of times they’ll give you a message to give to someone else? Like they say, “Give my love to Klause. Tell Klause Rebecca sends her love.” Do you mind that? Do you mind being used that way? Do you mind the awesome responsibility of having to carry Rebecca’s love to Klause? Suppose you don’t see Klause, what are you going to do with Rebecca’s love, carry it around? Give it to someone else, maybe. “Wilhelm, I can’t find Klause here’s some of Rebecca’s love.” Suppose Wilhelm doesn’t know Rebecca. Can he legally accept her love? Especially when it was originally intended for Klause. Suppose you give Wilhelm Rebecca’s love for Klause and then you see Klause, what are you going to give him? All you had was Rebecca’s love and you’ve already gone and given that to Wilhelm. Can you logically ask Wilhelm to give back Rebecca’s love to Klause? Maybe he’s gotten used to it by now. Can Klause sue Wilhelm? Can Wilhelm be arrested? Can you be arrested for transporting love across a state line? All right just for the sake of argument lets leave Wilhelm out of this altogether. Suppose Rebecca gives you her love to give to Klause and you do see Klause, what form should the love take? Can you risk giving Klause a tongue kiss? Which brings up another problem, maybe Klause is gay. Klause doesn’t want Rebecca’s love; Klause wants Wilhelm’s love. If Klause tells you to give his love to Wilhelm say, “Bullshit Klause. You give your own love to Wilhelm. I’m going to find Rebecca.” One final little portion of this, sometimes people want you to take a hug and a kiss to someone for them. Now they’ve got you carrying cargo. “Give em’ a big hug and a kiss for me. Give em’ a big hug and a kiss for me.” Usually it’s women. I find that women are a little more expressive at times like these and sometimes they’re really explicit. “Bye bye Elaina, drive carefully and give Jake a big blow job for me.” Well why don’t you get Klause to take care of that for ya? Well no matter how we say hello it’s nice to say hello to ya. Hello George. Hello my friend. Also I’d like to welcome a few groups that we have here in the audience tonight. Perhaps you’d let us know where you’re sitting. The Child Pornographers Association. God bless you, wonderful work you’re doing. The United Syphilis Victims, many of the same people. The Dirty Rotten Pricks of America. That’s a proud organization and we always have quite a turnout when I’m in town. The Women Who’ll Sleep With Anyone, well not quite as many of them as I was hoping for. Those of you girls who did show up don’t forget cast party after the show. Now I’d also like to welcome we have some people here tonight from some of the local homes in the area. When I say homes I mean those kind of places where some of us, let’s face it, have to be kept. The home for those who no longer feel fine and dandy, the home for those who felt all right about a year ago and the home for those who gave a shit up until yesterday morning. And apparently we also have some people here tonight from the Center for the Visually Unpleasant. Try not to look directly at those people unless you’re equipped with the special safety glasses. Now the only reason I mentioned those groups only reason I mentioned those groups is cause those are a few of the charities that I’ve been working for lately. I like to mention the charities I’m interested in right here at the beginning of the show. As you know a lot of entertainers, a lot of people in show business they want you to know the good works there doing. And hey, I’m no different from the others but unfortunately for me most of the really big charitable organizations are already spoken for. In fact, between Danny Thomas and Jerry Lewis about 80% of the things that make you limp or tremble are taken. What it amounts to is that most of the really neat diseases are gone. So I’m forced to deal with some the smaller organizations such as the Salvation Navy. That’s a good outfit. It’s hard to get people to join, knowing nobody really wants to sit in a rowboat with a bass drum in his lap. As long as were in this sort of public service mood I’d like to mention a social problem we have in this country that a lot of people don’t like to talk about in public but I think it’s time we faced this thing head on. It exists in a lot of families but most people won’t admit to it and I’m talking about battered plants. It’s plant beating pure and simple. There’s no way to put a nice face on it but battered plants is part of a larger problem as you know the overall problem is called the battering syndrome. And we’ve heard mostly about battered wives and a lot of work has been done in that direction but then we began to hear that there were battered husbands too. There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is real small and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day. And you heard that there are other members of the family being abused, battered step uncles in-law, battered foster cousins, battered third cousins once removed, in fact, the whole idea of battered distant relatives strikes me as a little strange. To get on a bus and ride for six or seven hours just to beat the shit out of someone you hardly ever see. But the problem continued to spread, battered fiancés, battered best friends, battered total strangers, which I think indicates a short fuse don’t you? And battered blind dates, which as many of you know is so often completely justified. But then the problem got a little ugly and the problem got a little strange we began to hear about battered pets. Battered pets, that’s how I felt. When I first heard of it I couldn’t believe it. I said to myself, “What?” And I answered, “Well yes, apparently so according to the information.” I often have these little conversations with myself. I do so love good conversation. But it’s true there are battered pets. This happens when someone gets frustrated at work, comes home, beats the shit out of Fluffy. But then the problem got really sick. Then the problem, I don’t know, we began to hear about battered plants. Battered plants, I couldn’t believe it. I said to myself, I said, “What?” And I answered, “Well.” Because this time I was speechless. But it’s true… there are battered plants. And I don’t mean just physical abuse. I’m not talking strictly about the physical abuse of plants. I don’t’ mean like drop kicking some zinnias into the ne xt yard. I’m not talking about pistol-whipping a gardenia. I’m not even talking about stopping the car, getting out and pissing on a bush. But I am talking about psychological torture. The mental abuse that we put plants through day in and day out. For instance, hanging plants. How do we know they aren’t scared shitless up there? No wonder ivy clings. You’d cling too to the side of a building. So when you get home tonight please take a look around the house, make sure you haven’t put a plant in some corner where it doesn’t want to be. And for God’s sakes never, never keep a plant in the bathroom. They hate that. And now ladies and gentlemen before we actually begin the humorous portion of tonight’s show I wonder if we might just have a moment of silence for the forty-three elderly, mentally retarded Bolivian senior citizen volleyball fans who lost their lives this morning in a roller coaster accident just outside of Lapaz, Bolivia. Apparently they all stood up on a turn and went flying off into the cool, crisp morning Lapaz air and, being heavier than air, landed in the funhouse. So I thought it might be appropriate for us tonight, as I say, to have just a moment of silence for the forty-three elderly, mentally retarded Bolivian senior citizen volleyball fans who went [whistling sound] Off a God damn roller coaster into the God damn funhouse. And in case you think this is a moment of humor, a time to be joking, a time to be poking your neighbor in the ribs, I ask you to please put yourself in a Bolivian’s place. In fact, put yourself in your own place. Put that place into Bolivia for just a moment. Think of yourself visiting Bolivia, watching a Bolivian comedian in a Bolivian theatre and he says that some mentally retarded American volleyball fans were tossed out of a roller coaster and he wants a moment of silence and your sitting next to some Bolivian jack off whose giggling through his nose might I say you’d be highly pissed? Might I add, rightly so. So ladies and gentlemen please let us consider the many grieving Bolivian’s in our audience tonight and let’s check that very normal human impulse to laugh quite a bit when another person dies. And let us observe a moment of silence for the forty-three elderly, mentally retarded Bolivian senior citizens volleyball fans. Not to mention the poor unsuspecting fuckers in the funhouse. Well I can see this isn’t going to work. But that’s all right… that’s all right because I don’t know what to do during a moment of silence either. I don’t know what to do during a moment of silence. What do you do during a moment of silence? What do they want? What do they expect of me? Do they want me to pray? They don’t say that. If they want me to prayer fuck em’, let them ask. I’ll pray but Goddamn it you got to ask me. They don’t say that, they issue no instructions whatsoever. You go to the baseball game, you go to the football stadium and they’ll say, “Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, would like, would like, would like, would like, would like, would like, would like, moment, moment, moment, moment, moment, moment, moment, silence, silence, silence, silence, silence, silence.” I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I have evil thoughts. Usually I wind up counting the pimples on the neck of the man in front of me. Looking for a white head with a hair growing through it. Or sometimes I’ll find myself staring at the huge but perfectly formed breasts on the woman in the row in front of mine. Rising and falling softly in the late October afternoon sun and my thoughts turn gently romantic, “Wow! , look at the knobs on her! What fuckin’ knobs man! Knob City, U S A!” I think I’m going to go down to the refreshment stand and buy myself a weenie and conceal it in my pants. And then come during the half-time activities I’m whipping out the weenie. Then I’m going to eat the weenie and force her to watch me. Nah, she probably wouldn’t understand. It’s my way of asking for a date. Well your imagination runs away with you. I don’t know what to do during a moment of silence. And why is it silence? What is it silence they want for? I mean after all the man, whoever it is were honoring, is dead. What good is silence? Guy’s not going to wake up now. How about a moment of screaming? Wouldn’t that be more appropriate for a dead person? [Screams] Would sure put you in the mood for the ball game. And why is it always the dead? What’s this favoritism toward the dead? Fuck the dead! What about the injured? What about the injured? You always have more injured than you have dead in any good accident. How about a moment of muffled conversation for those who are treated and released? I’ve always wanted to be treated and released. Usually I’m treated and detained. But that’s private. That’s personal stuff. I don’t reveal everything. I’m not one of those who has to tell you I will tell you a little something about my private life, here’s something you don’t know. I never fucked a ten but one night I fucked five twos. And I think that ought to count. I think that ought to go in your record as a positive achievement. Never fucked a one. Hey, never got drunk enough to fuck a one. Shit, you got to be drunk to fuck a one. Course some guy’s will fuck anybody, you know. Some guys will fuck anybody. “Hey, let’s fuck her.” “That’s a sign post Bob.” “Well let’s go for it.” Some guys will fuck anybody. Not me, not anymore. Not since herpes and AlD’s are going around. In fact, just to be on the safe side I’m not even jerking off anymore. But I don’t know where I’ve been. And you know, you know the other day too; I got to thinking about bisexuals and thinking what an awful life that must be. What a curse it must be to be a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet? Think of all the phone numbers you’d accumulate. You might as well just walk around with the white pages under your arm. And you know I’ve always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to give her some tongue. And I’d say, “Well I don’t get off till four o’clock.” And she’d say, “Well I don’t get off at all that’s why I’m looking for some tongue.” So far I just haven’t had the opportunity. Oh time for a little relief here you know? Da-ta-da. Sure, sure. Sometimes I go like this. But then I stop. This has been one of those times. This next piece of material is on a subject that most people can identify with, it’s about losing things. You know I don’t like to lose anything. I don’t like to lose anything! Because where is it? See basically that’s the part that bothers me the most. I’m a practical guy, where is it? I just had it. You know that feeling? It was just here! “Where is it?” “I don’t know.” “It’s gone.” “That’s true.” “It’s lost.” “I know.” “Where could it be?” “Could be anywhere.” “Maybe it will come back.” “Maybe but not yet.” “It’s gone.” “That’s true. Are we going to go through this shit again?” Where do these things go when they’re lost? There are some things that I don’t even care if I ever get them back I just one to know where the fuck they went. And losing things is one of those things in life that’s even worse when you’re a child. Much worse to lose something when you’re a child because people get on you for it. You know, it’s double jeopardy. Not only is the item gone but you’re catching shit from up here. “You what?” “I lost my yo-yo.” “Well where’d you have it last?” “Hey, if I knew that I would still have my yo-yo.” “Well it must be somewhere.” “Right.” “Well it just didn’t get up and walk away.” That one always got to me. It just didn’t get up and walk away. One time I lost a cat. It just got up and walked away. And she actually started to say, “Well it just didn’t get up and…” “Hey ma, I think you figured this one out.” Where do things go when they’re lost? Do you know what I think? I think there’s a big pile of things somewhere. I think there’s a big constantly changing pile of things that are lost. You lose something it goes to the pile. And then you say, “Oh look there it is.” Right back from the pile. And you didn’t even know there was a pile. And where is the pile? I n heaven of course. Has to be in heaven. That’s the first thing that happens when you get to heaven they give you back everything you ever lost. That’s the whole meaning of heaven. You get back everything. “Here you are seventy-nine pairs of sunglasses, two hundred and twelve cigarette lighters, four thousand nine hundred and eighty-three ballpoint pens and here’s a jock strap we found on the Golden State Freeway. It appears to have mule hoof prints and chocolate sprinkles on it. Must have been quite an evening.” Yes you get back everything. You get back every… well not everything, you don’t get the big things back. Good judgment, that never comes back, your tonsils, your appendix they keep those for display purposes. Virginity, you don’t get that back cause you were in such a big hurry to get rid of it in the first place. But you do get all your wallets. You get back every wallet you ever lost. No cash, it’s just like Earth. They keep the money as a prayer offering. Speaking of heaven, you know what else they have in heaven? They’ve got a special room for every balloon that ever got away. Yeah, next time you see a balloon drifting off by itself relax soon it will be with it’s friends in the balloon room, off the main hall in west heaven and that makes me happy. You know why? Because I’m a balloon guy. I am. I don’t mind admitting it right in public. I’m a balloon guy. I love a balloon. You know what I say? I say, “Give me a balloon.” Sometimes I say it loud, “Give me a balloon!” Most people don’t pay any attention to me. Let’s get back to losing things. Have you noticed some people when they lose something the first thing they say is it was stolen? That’s there first reaction. “Who stole it?” It’s an ego defense. They can’t stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. Had to of been stolen. Even if it’s something that nobody would really want. “Hey! , Hey! , who stole my collection of used bandages? And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine.” Did you ever notice this when you’ve lost something? That the longer you look for it the stranger the places get that you’re looking. You look at the strangest Goddamn places after a while. You have to, why? You’ve already looked in the easy places. Those are the first places we look, the obvious places. People say to each other, “Well I’ve looked everywhere.” “Well apparently not. Goddamn thing is still gone isn’t it?” “Let’s keep looking in obvious places. I’ll look in the furnace you check the cesspool.” You look in the strangest places. Did you ever look in the freezer for your car keys? You have to why? “They might be in there.” You wouldn’t want to pass up on an obvious place like the freezer would you? You can picture them in there. You can see them in there. That’s what the mind is for, picturing where you left your car keys. You can believe in it and you can follow the logic all the way back to the supermarket. “I came out of the supermarket, I had the frozen banana guacamole in my hands. I drove home, got out of the car with the banana guacamole in my hand, I had my keys in this hand, I put the banana guacamole in the freezer, I probably just dropped the keys in there too, let’s go take a look. Oh shit, they’re not in there. I could have sworn I left those keys in the freezer. And hey, who stole the banana guacamole?” You look in the strangest Goddamn places. Did you ever find yourself looking in a suit you haven’t worn in ten years for something you just had twenty minutes ago? You have to why? Six more pockets, wouldn’t want to pass them up would you or else you wouldn’t be able to say, “I’ve looked everywhere.” “By the way, while you’re in the closet check the watch pocket of your grandfather’s World War I uniform. You just might have handed him the keys before the Battle of Bradon.” Here’s another thing that happens when your looking for something. Did you ever notice that you’d be looking for something, you might be out in the garage and every now and then you’ll go back and look where the thing ought to be? You’ll go right from the garage you’ll walk back and look in the top drawer, “Nope not back yet.” You’re convinced that Saint Anthony will bring those keys back while you’re in the Goddamn garage. And of course if you’re looking for car keys your pocket is one place where you have to look at least six or seven hundred times. You wear out the cloth in your pocket. “They were right here and I usually… usually I’ll put them in here. See I get out of the car, I have them, see, no, hold on, no, hold it, wait a minute, no, thought maybe I’d sneak up on them, no, they’re not in there. I don’t what the hell I did with them. I had them you know? Hold on… I had… what… what? Maybe they fell upwards. Maybe they fell upward and stuck to some bubble gum, hold on. Maybe for the first time in my life I dropped them down near my balls. No, no, no.” Well you’re imagination runs away with you. Well those are easy things, car keys, those are common. Sometimes it’s an unusual item that’s missing like the couch. Did you ever come home and the Goddamn couch is gone? “Where’s the couch?” “I don’t know.” “It’s gone.” “That’s true.” “Where could it be?” “Could be anywhere.” “Maybe it will come back.” “Maybe but no not this, too big. Nothing over six feet ever comes back on it’s own.” “Well it was here this morning.” “Well of course it was here this morning, there’d be no sense in mentioning the fact that it isn’t here now unless it had been here this morning.” “Fuck you I’m tired of your shit. Why don’t you take your logic and go to bed?” “I can’t.” “Why not?” “I sleep on the couch.” Well you know. [George sings] My uncle used to do that and we used to slap the shit out of him. He was a real asshole. Are there any guys here tonight wearing an earring? How about a sanitary napkin, do you have one of them on too? That’s a cheap… that’s a cheap joke, I’m sorry. That was a cheap joke and I’m better than that. “No I’m not.” Well I only ask for a specific reason. Don’t mean to embarrass anybody see I once wore an earring and I’m wondering if the climate is still the same for people who take a chance, and I don’t know I guess it’s a little different now, this was ten or twelve years ago, it can’t be quite the same, but when you wear an earring certain things I noticed certain things, this was as I say, ten years ago I decided to wear an earring. The only reason I had very simple motive, I just wanted people to think I was different okay? And I thought well I’ll drill a hole in my flesh. I only have seven holes in my head now I’ll make an eighth hole in my head and put an ornament in there and people will have to deal with me. I just wanted people to think I was a little strange okay? I mean, apparently it wasn’t strange enough that I stand up here going [noise]. I needed something a little extra. And I thought well self-mutilation that might do the trick. So I drilled a hole in my ear, put an ornament in there and set about my tasks. First thing I noticed was that some people didn’t care. In fact, the whole world seemed indifferent to what I had done. Most people would not even look at the earring, I noticed that they would look right in my eyes, ignoring the earring, and I know what’s going through their mind, they’re thinking this asshole is wearing a fucking earring. But a lot of people wouldn’t look at it cause they couldn’t handle it. That’s… I know that’s what was going on, they couldn’t handle it cause they didn’t know what it meant. You know some people think everything has to mean something. Well some things don’t mean anything. But people think it means something. It means your gay. If it’s in this ear it means your gay. If it’s in this ear it means you like to hump water buffalo or something I don’t know. Somebody said to me, “Well what does it mean?” I said, ” It means I killed a man in prison for asking fucking questions.” And that seemed to satisfy his curiosity. Another guy says to me, “Are you gay?” I say, “Well bend over and let’s find out.” You know, I mean it’s the same thing if a man carries a little bag, a little purse in his hand you know? That’s all it is, it’s a little purse. It’s a purse that’s all. Some guys can’t handle that word. Some guys who carry them can’t even call it that. They’ll say, “Where’s my little bag?” I say, ” Fuck you it’s your purse. Pick it up and get out of here will you?” I mean if you can’t handle the word don’t carry the bag. That’s all it is a little purse. I got one, big deal. What does it mean? But some people like to taunt you they’ll say, “Is that your purse?” And I say, “Yes it is and I have a picture of your mother in here sucking off an Indian.” And that seemed to satisfy their curiosity. So I wore this earring for about two years or three years and then I decided not to wear it anymore when I heard that Andy Rooney had one. I thought, “Well fuck me. How different can I be?” So I stopped wearing it and my hole grew over, my earring hole. No, not my asshole. What are you crazy or something? Get out of here. No if your asshole grows over you might as well check straight into a cemetery cause you’re going to spend a lot of time walking around the beach wondering why you’re getting larger. No, no, no my earring hole grew over and people noticed it. People would say, “Aren’t you gaining weight?” And I’d say, “Yes my earring hole grew over. And aren’t you a keen observer of detail?” But these days if you want to be different, these days, one earring isn’t enough. You got to have a whole colony of those Goddamn things growing up the side of your head like they’re out of control. Some guys are walking with a thirty-degree list to port. Setting off metal detectors all over town. Or if you really want to be different you got to get your nose pierced. That will make you different. Get your nose pierced. Actually you don’t have to get it pierced you can do it yourself at home with a paper punch. Makes a nice clean hole, only hurts for about a month and then you can put one of your dad’s tie tacks in there. “Hi Dad.” “What’s that one of my tie tacks?” “Yep.” “Well make sure you bring it home.” You’ll make a good impression at the job interview with one of your dad’s tie tacks sticking through your nose. I figure it’s your body. Well some guys won’t get that done. That’s not a guy’s thing for the most part. You won’t see too many guys with a nose stud it’s more of a woman’s thing to do. Guys figured out a long time ago, “Hey I get punched in the face with one of those things in it’s going to staple my nose to the back of my skull. Whoa, this fucking hurts man. Well I wanted to be different.” “Well you are now.” Now that’s not for men. For the most part you don’t see men it’s women that have that. And some women have more than one. Some women have two or three of those things in there. God, I could never have handled that. I mean it was hard enough keeping one earring clean, can you imagine three nose studs and a heavy cold. Whoa, forget about it. And you might sneeze and kill your friend. [Sneezes] “Fucking Joey, my eye. My eye!” Now your friend has a pierced eye to go along with your pierced nose. Little water you know. Little water. Wouldn’t hurt to have a little water. Yeah, you know. The swallow flipper is working I’m happy to say. I’d like to talk a little bit about sports. Sports are very big in this country. I’m a sports fan. That’s fine thank you. Yes I know a lot of people feel positive about sports. As I say I’m… I’m not a fanatic about sports but I’m not a casual observer either. I was watching ESPN today for which I’m thankful by the way, all sorts of strange things they show on ESPN. Today they had some swimming that was interesting. The women’s two hundred meter breaststroke. Well I’d never have seen a woman with two hundred meter breast so I was really interested. Well I’ll tell you this; I’m enough of a sports fan that I suggest I have some rules changes I would like to suggest. I think they are some changes we could make in certain sports that would make them more e xciting you know? Like in football I would love all forty-five guys play at the same time. You know, what’s this shit standing around watching the game? Get in there, put a helmet on and hurt somebody for Christ sakes will you? You’re not getting paid to watch and never mind lining up, just grab the ball and run like a mother fucker you know? Another thing I would do in football, I would leave the injured on the field. Well they’re always talking about how it’s a big war going on out there. Fine let the Red Cross come around and pick these assholes up. Here’s how I’d change basketball. You could make basketball a lot quicker. You know what you do? You have a two second shot clock. Soon as that ball is inbounds get that son-of-a-bitch up in the air. I didn’t come to watch a game of catch; I’m looking for a four or five hundred point ball game. I’m a fan. I want six overtimes and a thousand points on the board. Another thing I would do for basketball at the center court line for ten feet on either side of the center court line I would have a gasoline fire. You talk about the fast break you’d see the really fast break. Here’s another suggestion for basketball, I would allow twenty-five points for any ball that goes in the basket off another guys head. You’d see some good fights during those close games I’ll tell you. And you’d increase the chance for serious injuries. That’s what I’m looking for injuries. That’s what I like about sports. I don’t care who wins these games if I want to see winners I’ll watch the Academy Awards. I’m looking for injuries, serious lifelong, crippling, debilitating injuries. I’m an American, give me a little violence and I’m a happ y guy. Most people won’t admit that. Most people won’t admit that. They’ll say, “Well I like the competition.” “Yeah like Hiroshima right?” Fuck the competition; I’m looking for a leg in two or three places. Well now getting back to how we can improve these sports and speed them up. You know baseball needs a little speeding up. You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing, that’s it. One swing, fuck you, you’re out, sit down, come on let’s go, come on sit down, come on, let’s go. There’s another thing to make baseball a lot faster, if the pitcher hits the batter with the ball, batter’s out. You hit twenty-seven guys you got yourself a perfect game my friend. You get two really good accurate pitchers out there and you could be out of that ballpark in fifteen minutes. You could be home watching football on TV and see some serious Goddamn injuries. One more thing for baseball. Out in the outfield I would have a series of randomly placed landmines. “There’s Marshall settling under that ball. Boom! Holy shit.” Now I must e xplain the only reason I mentioned baseball, basketball and football is because to my way of thinking these are really the only three sports we have. Nothing else qualifies as a sport according to me. Everything else is a game or an activity. Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. Hockey is not a sport. Hockey is three activities going on at the same time. I ce skating, playing with a puck and beating the shit out of somebody. Now if these guys were intelligent at all they would do these things one at a time. First you go ice-skating then you play with the puck then you go to the bar and beat the shit out of somebody. The day would last a lot longer and these guys would have a whole lot more fun. Tell you another reason hockey is not a sport it’s not played with a ball. Anything that isn’t played with a ball can’t be a sport. These are my rules I make them up. Hockey is played with a puck. What is a puck? I never even heard of a puck outside of hockey. Have you ever heard of a puck? The only other place you find a puck is in the urinal to control the smell in the bathroom all right? And as far as I’m concerned any game where the main object is something that came out of a urinal is definitely not a sport. Soccer, soccer is not a sport cause you can’t use your arms. Anything where you can’t use your arms can’t be a sport. Tap dancing isn’t a sport I rest my case. Another thing I don’t like about soccer they got dots on the ball. That’s a big rule of mine, no Goddamn dots on the ball. Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn’t a sport. Because anyone can do it. You know anything we can all do can’t be a sport. I can run you can run. My mother can run. You don’t see her on the cover of Sports I llustrated do you? People say I’m going to run down to the store and buy a loaf of bread. Fine it’s not a Goddamn sport. I’m not going to pay to watch you buy a fucking loaf of bread. Swimming. Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s common sense. Sailing. Sailing isn’t a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding a bus isn’t a sport. Why the fuck should sailing be a sport? Boxing is not a sport. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody. In that respect boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. But beating the shit out of somebody is not a sport in spite of what the police think. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event fine then boxing can be a sport. Bowling, bowling isn’t a sport cause you have to rent the shoes. Don’t forget my rules, I make them up. Billiards. Now billiards is not a sport because there’s no chance for serious injuries. Unless you welsh on a bet in a tough neighborhood then if you see a guy with a pool cue sticking out of his ass you know that might be a sports related injury. But that’s not billiards that’s pool. And that’s starts with a ‘P’ and that rhymes with a ‘D’ and that brings me to darts. Now darts could be a sport cause you might put somebody’s eye out but darts will never be sport because the whole object is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic. Lacrosse. Lacrosse is not a sport. Lacrosse is a fagot college activity. Sorry about that. That’s right. Anytime you’re standing in a field with a stick with a net on the end of it you’re engaged in a fagot college activity. Same thing goes for field hockey and fencing. These things aren’t sports cause you can’t gamble on them. Anything you can’t gamble on can’t be a sport. When was the last time you made a fuckin’ fencing bet? Gymnastics. Gymnastics is not a sport cause Romanians are good at it. Took me a long time to come up with that rule but by God I thought of one. Polo. Polo isn’t a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. It’s a great concept but it’s not a sport. And water polo I don’t even want to mention water polo cause it’s extremely cruel to the horses. Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting’s a sport? Ask the deer. The only thing good about hunting is the many accidents on the weekends. Which brings me to auto racing. Now were talking serious Goddamn injuries folks. I don’t know about you but that’s what I’m looking for in motor racing. A nice crash and a car fire. I don’t care who wins these races. It’s the same five rednecks who win all the time anyway. Who gives a shit about these people? I got to be honest with ya. Listen I got to be honest, driving five hundred miles in a circle does not impress me. I’m looking for an accident. Let me put it this way, when else am I going to see a twenty-six car collision and not be in the Goddamn thing? Then we have tennis. Now tennis, very trendy, not a sport. Tennis is a form of ping-pong. In fact, tennis is ping-pong played while standing on the table, you know? Great idea but its not a sport. In fact, all racket games are nothing but derivatives of ping-pong. Even volleyball is racketless team ping-pong played with an inflated ball and raised net while standing on the table. Then finally we come to golf. Did you ever watch golf on TV? It’s like watching flies fuck. I get more excited picking out socks. Golf could be fun if you could play alone. But it’s these genetic defectives that you have to hang around with that makes it such a boring pastime. Think of the brains that it takes to play golf. Hitting a ball with a crooked stick and then walking after it. And then hitting it again. I say pick it up asshole. Your lucky you found it. Put it in your pocket and go the fuck home will ya? Thank you. Goodnight everybody. Thank you all very much. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good time. Goodnight. Thank you. Thank you very much. Goodnight now. You hear that guys? They loved it. You was great sweetie. Yeah you was terrific Mr. Holder. Way to go Mr. Holder. Do something Boss, do something. We’ll find ourselves another schmuck. You’re a bummer man. You were funny without us man. You were really funny. You think they’ll be back? Not a chance kid. Good night Mr. Holder. Good night Pops. Awe he’s such a nice man.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

SARAH SILVERMAN: A SPECK OF DUST (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-silverman-a-speck-of-dust-2017/

Girls and boys, please welcome to the stage. Sarah Silverman! Hi. Well, thank you. Thank you so much. I am so happy you guys are here. I’m sorry about the metal detectors. That is my bad. I, um… Tweeted something, and, uh, it made some people feel the need to express, um, wanting to kill me. And… I’m sorry I called for a military coup. I knew it was a long shot. You know, when you’re a comedian now, you really have to think things through before you post them, you know, on Twitter. Who do we think we are, presidents? Oh. Not necessary. But appreciated. I’m, uh… I’m not a fancy person. I don’t, um… You know, I’m wearing a onesie. I’m not… I have friends that love jewelry, and I love them. But I… I don’t really understand the value of jewelry at all. That said… I love a nice hotel room. I need a soaking tub. So, I have my things. And I was just on the road, and I got to stay in some really nice hotels. And, um, I’ll never complain, because I’m so afraid of being, like, a complaining Jew. Which is a stereotype. Based on facts and patterns. And then, like, deducing from those patterns. Why are you selling out your culture, Sarah? Sorry. Did it get a laugh? Yes. Okay. Um… But I did call down. And I was like, “Everything is so amazing.” Thank you so much. Um, but I… noticed there seems to be, um… semen on the… I think it’s called a duvet. And… Or a comforter. And also, um… There’s also some on, like, the nightstand. And, um, also, I noticed there’s come all over my tits. It’s… I’m sorry. I just, you know, if there’s a… I hate to complain. If there’s an upgrade to be had, I would… “in I’d take it.” Can you hear me when I just talk like this? This is a good sound system. You can hear me when I just talk like this? I, uh, got laser hair removal. And… Did you just applaud that? You’re like, “Finally.” I got laser hair removal. I waited a really long time to do it. Uh… I wanted the science to be at its peak. You know, like, we landed on Mars… I think it was August 2012. Are you just impressed that I remember the date? What I’m saying is… we landed on Mars in 2012. I waited four more years. And then I looked up the highest-rated laser hair removal place within three blocks of my apartment. And I went there. It was called LaserAway. And, um… it wasn’t what I… I think I was naive, and I just thought you go, and you get… And your hair gets removed. But it’s a much longer process. For every section of hair you want removed, you have to go have eight separate sessions, you know, like on each… So, for me, I was doing, like, from right below my belly button down to the floor. And then back up to about the middle of my back. And, um… Isn’t that funny that that’s funny? And it’s a lie. I did my arms, too. But, um… I can’t lie to you guys. I can’t. Uh… Right. So, they make you pay up front. Which makes so much sense, now that I think about it. Because… it hurts so much. By the second session you’re like, “Oh, I would gladly pay $3000 to never come back here again. That would be a bargain.” It’s so painful. And I have a… I feel like I have a high pain… I think most women have a high pain threshold. I’ve been punched in the face thrice. And that’s another story for another time. But I… It’s a different kind of pain. It’s like nerve ending… Like nerve damage. Like, they give you stress balls, and you squeeze them. And by the time you pry your fingers open, they’re just, like, pyramids of powder, basically. It hurts so much. I remember telling myself like, “You are a grown woman.” That is your money to waste. You earned that money. “Throw it out the window. It doesn’t matter.” And, uh, as I was walking back to my car after the second session… I actually can remember exactly, like, the words I was saying to myself as I was walking to the car. I was like: “What you just went through was trauma.” “That was traumatic.” And right in that moment I got a text message from my boyfriend, who was in Guatemala at the time with UNICEF. And it just said… It said, “I just spent the morning” with a woman who watched her son get murdered.” And I was like, “You think that’s bad?” ‘Cause I have… I have a hard time with perspective. Like, I don’t gain it with experience, I guess. I was walking around here in Los Angeles, judging people. And that’s not me being my best self. I’m not proud of it. But that was just the scenario. And I remember just thinking, like, “You fucking…” petty, small-minded, materialistic twats. “You do not get it.” With their, like, $1500 purses. It’s a bag. It holds shit. Get a backpack. You’re silly. You know? I’m like, “You don’t even get it.” We’re breathing egos, acting like we aren’t a speck of dust on a speck of dust on a speck of dust hurtling through outer space. “We’re nothing.” And then in the very next moment I’ll be like: “I want my face on money.” I really do. I feel like I deserve… I want my face on money, period. I just… I want my period face on money. It’s like: No, it’s more stoic. It’s like: Aw, I just heard my sister laughing. She’s dead. No, she’s here. I’m kidding. She’s here. I, um… I had a dog for many, many years. And he was my best friend. And I was always talking to him. Whenever I was home, I was talking to him. And then he died, and I stopped talking to him. Makes sense. Or does it? I don’t know. I mean, does that really make sense? He’s just as much a part of the conversation now… In a box on my desk. I stopped… This is what it is. I stopped talking to myself because there wasn’t a dog in the room. That’s crazy. So, now I have a new dog, Mary. I, um… I rescued her. Or I like to think she rescued me. I don’t know which is the less cunty way of putting it. But I have her. And she is my world. And, uh, I love her so much. She’s my everything. She’s young, and she’s full of life. And she’s obsessed with squirrels. And she’s kind of gotten me into it, too. And she’s just, like, such a cuddler, and we play. And we, like, spoon at night, and… I’m just gonna put a pin in that for a second and double back and say… that squirrel line, I would call that, in comedy, a throwaway joke. I knew it was gonna get a laugh when I said: “She’s obsessed with squirrels, and she’s kind of gotten me into it, too.” But you just keep going to that main joke. That’s a throwaway joke. It makes it extra cool. Now I’ve ruined it ’cause I doubled back and, like, I’m, like, talking about it. Now it’s ruined. It’s not a throwaway joke anymore. But it was. This is probably for two people in the audience, but I would say a throwaway joke is cool… the way that it’s cool, like… I play basketball. If you, like, during a pickup game, you make, like, a sweet three-point shot, and then afterwards, you don’t smile. You just go right back into defense. That’s the same coolness of a throwaway joke. All right. So… Really? That’s never gotten a laugh before. Well, you didn’t have to undo it. Keep laughing. So, um… The truth is, I am… I have gotten into squirrels. And now I’m gonna get you into squirrels. I’m not kidding. Wait until you see. I learned a fun fact about squirrels… that I’m so excited to tell you. I can’t… I’m… Okay, this is what it is. It’s this. Squirrels… cannot find 80 percent of the nuts they hide. Are you kidding me? Is that the greatest thing you’ve ever heard in your life? First of all, animals aren’t supposed to make mistakes. But secondly… I made this realization that is gonna blow… Hold your skulls in, because your brains are gonna fucking explode. That’s how trees are planted. Are you fucking kidding me? That’s how trees are planted. God, or the universe, or nature, or whatever the fuck, created this anxiety-ridden… Paranoid cokehead… that thinks that everybody wants their acorns. Nobody wants your acorns. No one else in the world eats acorns. Only you. That they hide them everywhere. And then they’re so fucked up on coke… They can only find two out of every ten. Squirrels plant trees. In Israel. Right. That I added. That’s not true. I added that. So, Mary is my dog. And I love her. And she got me into squirrels. And she’s young, and she’s full of energy. But… she’s dying… in that, it’s out there. It might be in two weeks. It might be in 12 years. But it’s out there, and it’s looming over me. And my heart can’t take it. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have gotten another dog. It’s too much. I’m… Don’t judge me. I’m gonna put her to sleep now. I just… I need it to be done. And you know what? In my defense… in the scope of history… whether she dies tomorrow when I put her to sleep, which I’m doing… Or she dies naturally in 12 years, it’s not even a blip in the scope of history. It’s the same exact time. So, I’m right. And I… And she won’t die in vain, ’cause I’ll crucify her. Oh, my God. How cute would that be? I didn’t tell you, she’s little, and she’s got, like, long legs. And, like, her feet kind of naturally do that thing anyway. And then like: Oh, I would have to break her arms. I would. Listen, if you wanna be a legend, you’ve gotta suffer. You think Jesus would be famous if we put him down like a household pet? No. Jesus, son of God… died for your sins… uh, in his sleep while surrounded by his favorite toys? That’s ridiculous. I’m gonna… Okay. I’m gonna be indulgent… and tell a story that’s just a true story. Um… It’s about one of my sisters. I have three sisters. This is about one of them. Um… I won’t say which one. But… her name is Jodyne. Um, Jodyne went to Boston University. And if you’re familiar with BU, they have coed dorms. Which most universities have now. Um… But they have coed bathrooms in the coed dorms. And Jodyne, uh, got the drunkest she had ever been her freshman year, like so many freshmen do. And she stumbled back to her room, and she managed to get her, uh, jeans off, you know, and just passed out in a T-shirt and underwear. And a few minutes later, the room started spinning. And she ran to the bathroom, and she started throwing up. And she’s vomiting. And while she’s vomiting, she can feel that somebody is tugging her underwear down. But she couldn’t turn around or stop it, um, because she was throwing up so hard. And she’s vomiting and vomiting, and they’re tugging her underwear down. It’s going down, all the way down to the ground. And she finally finishes throwing up, and she whips her head around to see who’s there. But she didn’t see anybody. Because she had been shitting herself. That’s… That’s a true story. I’m gonna say… Like, I would call that a relief laugh. Or, like, a release laugh. I know that I’m your show. But you have to understand, like, you’re my show. And you were so beautiful. You were so… You had so much empathy. You were so worried. You could hear a pin drop in this story. It was so nice. And, you know, I understand. You thought she was gonna get raped. And she thought she was gonna get raped. She thought she was about to get raped. And I’ve really thought about this. And I… I think this may be one of the only scenarios where you can look down at a pair of underwear… just: Just filled with your own shit… and think, “Oh, thank God.” Oh, my God. “Oh, literally, yay.” My sister came to visit me. Not the “shitting in her pants” sister, but the, um… My oldest sister. Although, I’m sure she’s shit her pants. She’s a Silverman, after all. Uh, no, this is my oldest sister, Susie. She is a rabbi. She lives in Jerusalem. Um… “Oh, my God, a godless comedian” and, like, a total God-person rabbi are sisters? “What must that be like?” is something you can muse about in the car. So, Susie came to town. And she said, “Sarah, I’m meeting my friend Amber tomorrow.” And then she told me all about Amber. She’s like, “Amber is so amazing.” She was born and raised in Ethiopia. She single-handedly ran an orphanage there. She’s so inspiring. I’m meeting her tomorrow at 8 a.m. “Can we use your apartment to meet?” And I said, “Of course, sure.” You know. “Use your key. I’ll be sleeping. But, yeah.” So, the next morning, she forgot her key, of course. And she’s knocking at the door, and I go to answer the door. My eyes are, like, glued shut. And I open the door, and she goes, “Sarah, this is Amber.” And I said, “Amber, it’s so nice to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.” And I grabbed her hand. And her hand was a hook. And… Not important to the story, just for color, both of her hands were hooks. But, um… I was in too deep. I just… I shook it. I shook her hook. And it was such a false moment, too. I’m sure she would have appreciated if I was like: “You have a hook for a hand. I don’t know what the etiquette is.” And she’d be like, “Thank you for being real with me.” Nobody’s ever real with me. “Yes, you can shake it, whatever.” And then we would be real friends, and we’d probably have inside jokes, and that’s how it plays out in my mind. But… I just shook her hook as if to say: “This is what a hand feels like to me.” Bye. And went back to sleep. And pretended it was all a neat dream. But Jesus Christ, rabbi. She must have told me nine things about Amber. Two of them should have been hooks, right? I’m not being an asshole. Minimum. She’s got hooks for hands. She’s amazing. She lives in Ethiopia. She single-handedly ran an… That would have made more sense. She’s brilliant, she’s inspiring. Double back, just a reminder… she’s got hooks for hands. But not Susie, not the rabbi. She doesn’t see color. She doesn’t even see hands. That’s how amazing she is. I’m a… I’m a… I’m a very sexual person. Um… You can always tell a sexual person because they, um, tell you as a segue to their next bit in their stand-up act. It’s kind of a little hint. I am, though. I… I know that it’s cool to talk crazy during sex, and I… I have tried that. And it doesn’t work for me, because I just… I find that the truth, uh, gets in the way, I guess. Like, I… Like, “God, your cock is so… Oh, no, never… It was a shadow.” What I do, I feel like, is way crazier. I like to talk crazy right after sex. When things have calmed down a beat. Get right in his face, real quiet. “What do you think would happen if I went to the hospital” and got a rape exam right now? Yeah, what do you think? You think they’d find your semen all over and inside me? ‘Cause I do. Oh, I really do. Maybe you should tickle my back till I fall asleep. “Is that a good idea, motherfucker?” My boyfriend’s foreign, so, then I get, like, really nose to nose with him and go, “USA’s number one.” He’ll be like, “Number one in what?” “You don’t worry about it.” It’s important to us that we’re number one. “Juvenile diabetes.” What is the etiquette…? I don’t know if there are, like, any Emily Post-ish people here. But for postcoital cuddling, uh, or after-sex cuddling, if you’re stupid, what is the…? What is the etiquette for where I would put my… “his asshole” fingers? Is it just straight out to the side? Or… under a pillow? Or just… Just sever it. Just cut it off completely. That’s… That’s what happened to Amber’s hands. I’m kidding, you guys. Come on. Relax. It was land mines when she was 7. Look, sometimes I like to end a joke with a sad truth. Thank you, Jodyne. You’re killing it, Sarah. We give our daughters Barbie dolls so that they have an image of what they should look like when they grow up that is not attainable so that they can learn that they’re a piece of shit and they should kill themselves. It’s so important. We have to teach them young. I’m not sure, uh… who designs the schematics of these Barbie dolls, or Bratz dolls, or any of the sex-worker dolls. I’m not sure who we’re protecting. Uh… Where the obscenity lies, or… Okay, so, Barbie. Like, her legs are twice the length of the rest of her body. And her feet are just: They’re just on tiptoes. She can only wear high heels. She couldn’t wear flats if she wanted to. When she’s taking a shit at 3 in the morning, she’s in heels. ‘Cause she’s a lady. Her breasts… Okay. So, uh… she only has, like, the big, fat, shiny part of the breast that guys jerk off to. We have to protect our daughters… from the life-nourishing nipple. We… That’s just too obscene. No nipples. We can’t have our daughters seeing what nourishes life. Just the part that can sandwich a hard cock. No pubic hair. That is attainable. You’re right, audience. You know what? Thanks for keeping me honest. That’s important. It is attainable. Not everybody can pull that look off, but yes. People always want Angelina Jolie’s lips. And I’m not bragging. I basically have Angelina Jolie’s lips. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. But, um, mine are in my underpants. But… That’s why I like a nice… groomed but triangular… nuanced bush. That doesn’t technically make sense, but it sounded fancy. I did a, um… Art reflects life. Okay? And then, uh, life informs art, you know? And then, um… But we don’t… Movies, I don’t feel like really reflect life totally for women. It’s more of like a male’s projection of it. It’s getting a little better, but even in artsy-fartsy movies, like, if you see a woman masturbating in a scene, she’s always on her back. All dreamy and sexy. She’s never on her stomach, dead-eyed and slack-jawed, like it is. It’s work. We learn what love is from movies and television, and it’s ruined love for us. Romantic comedies, all that shit, it’s ruined love. We… It’s taught us that we are incomplete people who need to find that one person in the whole world that will complete us. I promise you, there are thousands of people that are perfectly good matches for any one of you. And I don’t want to be complete… I don’t… I’m working very hard to be a complete person every day, you know? I don’t… I don’t wanna make you whole. I want you to come whole. I want you to be in… And I know I just said “come hole.” Another thing Barbie does not have. That would be a really weird feminist stance. “Why doesn’t Barbie have a come hole?” “I don’t know. What is that? It’s subjective.” Noted. I did a fundraiser here a few years ago with, um, my friend Lizz Winstead’s organization, Lady Parts Justice. Check it out. And, uh, it was basically… I always say it was like a, you know, um, “right to choose” kind of thing. But it was, technically, literally, just for women in Texas. Because, at the time, every abortion clinic was being shut down in Texas. They were down to five. It’s since gotten much worse. But, um… And we just literally wanted to raise money to give to women in Texas so they could, like, hire a babysitter while they drive 12 hours to get an abortion. Or an affordable mammogram, or a, you know, pap smear, or whatever. And, uh, so, we did this show, and there were protestors outside. Um, you know, “right to life,” uh, Westboro Baptist Church-y, NPR people. And… Not NPR. NRA. That is… They are different. Completely different tote bags. Um, and they were outside protesting. And I’m not gonna shit on them, because I am them. We’re the same. You know, I’m the product of how I was raised. I was raised by a couple of liberal bleeding-heart Democrat Jews, and now I am one. And I would love to think that I’d get there on my own, but probably not. I’m the product of how I was raised. And these people were raised by people who loved them who said, “There are people out there that want to murder babies.” If I was that kid, I’d be like, “We have to stop them.” And I’d be outside there protesting. So, I went outside, and I just wanted to say hi and show a warm, friendly face to baby murderer. And I said, uh, “Hey, hi. Isn’t it great…? I just wanna say”, isn’t it great that we live in a country where I can put on this show because it’s something that I believe in, and you can protest this show because of what you believe in, “and we can occupy the same space peacefully?” And he said, “God, you’re totally right.” I’m just kidding. He goes, “You’re going to hell.” And I was like, “Okay, nice to meet you.” But there was, like, a 9-year-old girl there with a little pink cardigan. And she had a huge… She had a sign, like, twice her size. And it said, uh, “Abortion is bloody murder.” And the “bloody” was, like, in red paint, dripping down. And that was the first time I was like, “Oh, they had to go to, like,” Michaels or Blick’s or something and buy crafts. “Hobby Lobby, probably.” And she goes: “God hates you.” And I was like, “Do you really think God hates?” And she goes, “Yeah, he hates you.” And then… Oh, I told her a doodie joke. And she was like: It really is the great unifier. But she is right. Abortion does kill, like, your whole day. It literally sucks the life out of you. Look, I know those last two jokes, they aren’t smart. They have nothing deep to say. They’re just wordplay. But I love them like my… very own aborted fetuses. Um… Put a pin in that. Congratulations, Texas. Texas was almost the third state… uh, but then a judge put the kibosh on it. You should know this. I’m not blaming you for not knowing about this law, because we’ve been… Just atrocity after atrocity has been coming at us every day. But you’re not gonna believe this. It’s true. They have a law where if you get an abortion in those states or have a miscarriage, you are responsible for paying for a funeral for the fetal tissue. What? What? Crazy. And heinous. And I want to speak at those funerals so bad. He died the way he lived. The size of a sesame seed with no discernable brain function. He will be returned now to the soil… where he will… I don’t know, get eaten by a cricket, maybe. So, anyway, this fundraiser. This is the thing, is the religious right knows that it will be a bear of a… Not the religious right. I guess the government now… knows that it would be a bear of a job. To overturn Roe v. Wade, to just make abortion illegal all at once. So, what they do is they chip away at it from the sides, you know. They make little laws, insincere laws, that kind of are an ends to their means. You know, uh, “All right, uh, your clinic has to have hallways” that are 18 feet wide.” And then the clinics are like, “We can’t…” We don’t have… I mean, that would cost… We couldn’t afford to… “. “Well, I guess you’re gonna have to close, then, aren’t you?” You know, it’s very, uh, Boss Hogg from Dukes of Hazzard or something. You know, like, smashing your headlights and going: “Looks like you can’t drive. You got a smashed headlight.” It’s exactly that. And violating… Uh… Infantilizing laws about abortion where women have to think about it. Go home for three days and think about it. Yeah, I think I’ve been thinking about it, fuckface. Or, like… Violating ultrasounds, you know, where they shove a camera inside you and make you look at the ultrasound and see the life in your uterus. And… Put a pin in that for a second. Because I have another fun fact for you you’re gonna love. This is true. Scientists have known this for almost two decades. If you believe in science. That… And this is it. Sperm can smell. I know… I know sperm can… We all know sperm can smell. But… Sperm cells… Seashells by the seashore. Sarah, come on, focus. This is a big night. This is serious, though. Sperm cells have a sense of smell. They have olfactory senses. That’s true. And you know what that means. That means that sperm is life. And you know what that means. We’ve gotta legislate that shit. We have to protect the babies. I… I just wanna save the unborn babies. That’s all I’m worried about, and this is what we’re gonna do. The next time you feel like you’re gonna jerk off into a gym sock or down your shower drain or, uh… I don’t know why, I peg you as an “on the belly” guy. It doesn’t matter, though. It doesn’t matter. Whatever your jerk-off style, there is no judgment here. I was right, wasn’t I? I have a sense. If only that was a superpower that could help the world. But… This is what we’re gonna do. Before you do jerk off, whatever style it is… Um… I feel like keeping going. Like… you are like a hands-free fucking the mattress. Like, you’re just flat… Blink once if… I knew it! You guys are humoring me. You guys are nice. All right. Come on, Sarah. Before you do it, you’re gonna come on down to the clinic. We’re gonna take a long, thin… Like a knitting-needle-shaped GoPro camera, basically. It’s gonna go up your urethra, your penis hole. Up, up, up. Really picture it. And then down, down into your testicular sac. We’re gonna bring the ultrasound around, and you’re gonna be able to actually see the life in your balls. I truly believe… that most men will not even want to jerk off after that. And that’s a beautiful thing. Show business is so weird. I don’t know why this is when it really struck me. But I did an episode… A few years ago, I did that show, The Good Wife. Okay? And it’s, like, a law drama. And it was really fun. And maybe it’s ’cause I was, like, sitting and watching a lot of them shoot. You would never believe how show business works. It’s so crazy. Like, okay. Let’s see if I can explain this. Like… It’s… So, this scene is a big boardroom scene, right, ’cause it’s a law drama. And it’s got a bunch of characters in it. And they’re all talking, and all this shit happens in it. So, the first shot they do, they do a big, wide shot of the whole scene with all the characters and everything. They do that a few times. Then they go in close and they shoot, like, a tight shot where it’s just, like… You only see, like, three of the characters. And when they exit that scene, like, in our minds we see the whole room because we’ve seen it before. But in reality, when they’re shooting it, the rest of the room isn’t even there. It’s, like, filled up with, like, reflecting boards and cameras and lights and, you know, all this other shit, you know. I don’t know all the words. Cameramen and, uh, all that shit. So, it’s like, uh, Christine Baranski will go: “I want those papers on my desk Monday morning.” And she’s literally in her skirt suit and heels. Christine Baranski in a ball because she can’t leave entirely, ’cause there’s so much shit blocking the way. But she has to get as low as possible so she doesn’t block the lights for the rest of the scene, for the actors that are still in the scene. So, she’s like this. And then Josh Charles is like: “She’s a piece of work. I’ll see you Monday.” Everything you watch is that. I just burped. I’m a human being. I was, uh… Three weeks ago, I was at a red light. No, put a pin in that for a second. Okay. I took an acting class when I was 10 in New Hampshire. This goes together. And, first of all, this acting teacher was mean. I remember he said, like, um… Oh, one assignment was, bring in your favorite song and, like, act out to it. And then I brought in my favorite song, which is, like, um… ♪ Just a city boy Born and raised… ♪ “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Sorry. And, like, I thought that acting was mouthing it. So, I was like: And he went bananas on me. And you know, I wish at 10 I had the wherewithal to be like: “You know what? He’s probably going through something.” “That’s his.” No. I didn’t know to do that when I was 10. I just assumed I was a piece of shit. But that’s not the story I wanted to tell. So, the first day of acting class, he said this: “Acting…” “is reacting.” And I’m like, “What does that mean?” Like, “re”? I knew “re” meant again. So, I was like, “Acting again?” Anyway… Three weeks ago, I was at a red light. And I was like: “Oh, reacting.” Right. Oh, yeah. I agree with that, yes. Acting is reacting. “You should have said it that way.” Latent… realizations. That’s the theme of this chunk when I do my special. Latent… Latent realizations. Like… Okay, I had to go to sleepaway camp… every year since I was 6 years old. And, uh, it was terrible for me because I was a chronic bed wetter till I was, like, 15. So, it was a nightmare. I learned a lot of skills, like complete disassociation. Making a cot over soaking-wet sheets while I stink like piss and pretending like that’s not the case. What kind of parents would send a chronic bed wetter to sleepaway camp? They must be monsters. No. They’re not monsters. Here’s the thing. Okay. Like, my dad… his dad beat the shit out of him every day. And then during the school year he was sent away to goyim. To boarding school. I’m sorry. To boarding school. And then at boarding school… he got the shit kicked out of him every day, called a dirty Jew kike, because it was back when, like… America was great. And… And then in the… All right. That was pretty good. And then in the summertime, he went to camp and blossomed and was a star and was, like, everything he wanted to be. And so, parents, they just think… You know, he just thought, “No, camp is great.” It will define her. It will be her joy. Because that’s what it was for me.” You know? So, I had to go to camp. And as a compromise, he would give me joke books. Because I loved jokes. And then, also, maybe I’d make friends that way. So, I remember the summer I was 8 because I had just learned to read when I was 7. Someone in the audience when I was in Vermont was like, “I was 4.” Fucking good for you. I was 7. I learned to read when I was 7. So, I was 8, I was excited. I had books. I was gonna read. And my dad has no boundaries. I don’t know if he flipped through these at all or didn’t. Um, but it was Truly Tasteless Jokes book one and two. And I remember the first joke on the first page. It was a paragraph long, but I can tell it in two seconds. It was “Little Red Riding Hood, blah, blah, blah.” And then the big bad wolf is like, ‘I’m gonna eat you.’ And then Little Red Riding Hood’s like, ‘Eat, eat, eat. “Doesn’t anybody fuck anymore?'” And I’m like, “What does this mean?” Then when I was 30 I was like, “Oh, Jesus Christ.” That’s so inappropriate.” He was, uh… My dad isn’t… He has no boundaries. He’s not approp… I don’t really… He… He treated us like bros. Like, um, I remember one time when I was really young, he and my mom went on a double date. And when he came home, he, like, plopped down on the front hall… There was, like, a bench in the front hall. And I was sitting there, and I asked him how it went. And he was like, “Oh, it was the fucking worst.” Uh, we were supposed to go out with the Sterlings, and then only Mr. Sterling showed up. Because he said Mrs. Sterling had her period. And when she gets her period, it comes out like liver. “And I’m like, ‘I don’t need to know that.'” I was like, “Dad, I get it.” Like, I’m 5, and I don’t even need to know that.” But my dad, um… Camp was where he thrived. And, like, they’re still his best friends to this day. His best friends are his friends from camp. And he’s about to be 80, and they’re having a reunion, even. And he has a picture of all of them, uh, when they became counselors. And it’s amazing. It’s from 1953. And I said, “Dad, you have to send me this.” And he sent it to me with, like, a glossary of who everybody is and what they’re doing now. And it’s like: “This is Phil Holman. He’s a judge now.” This is Arnie Goldstein. You know, he owns Martin’s House of Cloth. This is Danny Gold. Danny Gold once gave Punchy Kramer a BJ and we all watched. This is Cy Schwartz. He works at the Clam King. This is bah, bah, bah. He da, da, da. This is Morris Simon. This is Punchy Kramer. “This is, you know, blah, blah, blah.” I’m like, “Dad, open with it or close with it.” He has no sense. So, he went to camp all the way up until he became a counselor. And, uh, you know, we think of counselors, like, as grown-ups. But, you know, they’re 16-year-old kids. So, for each camper, he had to fill out a form, uh, every week for each camper. And it would say, like, “Is he behaving?” Is he sleeping? Did he brush his teeth? “Did he go to the bathroom?” And under that it said, “L/H.” And my dad didn’t know what that meant. But he was too embarrassed to ask anybody. So, he just used his logic, and he’s like, “Okay.” It comes after bathroom, so it must mean… “‘loose or hard.'” So, for a summer… My dad had his campers come get him… after they took shits… so that he could go look at them… and make a rough guesstimate… if it was indeed loose or hard. I love that so much. It just means there’s, like, a generation of old men in therapy… who are like: “Well, I did have a camp counselor that was, like, obsessed with my shits. Is that…?” You were sexually abused. Oh, it meant “letter home.” But thank God he didn’t ask. That would have been so embarrassing. My parents got divorced when I was 7. And my mom went back to college to get her degree. And my sisters were older. So, I got babysat by nuns. I went to, like, a nun… A convent, I guess. But it looked like a… Like a Victorian house or something, where nuns were. And they had day care. And I have since met amazing nuns. These were not them. These were cunts. They… They were. They hit us. It was… I had not been hit before, you know. And I was so scared of them. Like, if we weren’t sleeping on our, like, little mats during nap time, they would hit us. And then, like, um, for lunch we would go out into the woods, ’cause it’s New Hampshire, and they gave us these peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches, and we had to eat the whole thing, or they would hit us. And I loved peanut butter and jelly. But this was different. It was peanut butter and jam. And jam is… I hadn’t experienced jam before. It’s like… It’s different. It has, like, pieces in it. But we had to eat the whole thing, or they would hit us. I was so scared, I… ‘Cause I didn’t know I could take a punch at that time. And I… Okay, wait. Put a pin in that. Put a pin in that while I tell you something. This is human behavior, that we tell ourselves horror… Horror stories. Horror stories. Horror stories. Horror stories. Horror. Horror stories. We tell ourselves… I said it too many times. We tell ourselves horror stories. That’s just the human condition. You know, like we go, uh, “I have to pass that crack in the road before that car passes me, or I’ll die.” That wasn’t just you. That’s everybody. Everybody does that. My therapist says it’s how we deal with mortality. Um, so, I was eating this peanut-butter-and-jam sandwich, and I was telling myself horror stories. And the horror story was… this jam is the nuns’ period blood. But I had to eat it all. I was so scared of getting hit. I ate it like this. And I gobbled it down. I don’t know what… put in my head that… jam would, you know, have, like, chunky liver-like pieces in it. Okay, I’m gonna try to tell you this story. I almost died this summer. I really almost died this summer. I, um… I was on the road. Had a shitty sore throat. Didn’t think much about it. Kind of turned into a cold, that kind of thing. Uh, then I came home, and I got that same sore throat again. So, I go, “Ehh, I’m home. I’ll go to the doctor.” Which I never do. So, I went to the doctor. And, uh, he made me wait, like, a long time. And I was going to go, like, “Oh, fuck this.” But I stayed. He looks down my throat, and he’s like: “We’re going to the emergency room.” I had a… Like an abscess at the top of my… windpipe, which is where your breathing comes from. So, um, like, this abscess was either gonna grow another millimeter and stop my breathing and I would die, or it was gonna explode, and it’s filled with poison, and that would kill me. Um… Don’t be scared. It’s really rare. It’s not going to happen to you. Unless it does, I guess. But… So, I had to go to the hospital. And then, um, they put me under, like, a general… Like a… Some sort of drug just to chill me out before surgery. And, like, unbeknownst to me, they’re telling my, uh, friend Amy and my boyfriend, Michael, they’re like, um, “This is a very dangerous surgery.” She might not make it. You know, it’s very risky.” Blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, I feel fine. And I’m just like, “I’m not high enough.” I was complaining that I wasn’t high enough. And I can tell you exactly what happened because Amy had the utter distaste to record this whole thing. So… You just see me going like, “I’m not high enough.” And then they’re like, “You’re okay.” And then I proved to them that I wasn’t high enough, um, by explaining Brexit. And it was very nuanced, and I had opinions. It was, like, really perfect. Like, you can hear the anesthesiologist go, like: “Wow, she’s right on.” And, um… And then, uh, you see me, like, getting wheeled out. And then, um, like, Michael and Amy couldn’t come with me, like, past the operating-room doors or whatever. So, as I’m leaving, I said to Michael… Which is something we like to do, if the elevator doors are closing or something: “I wanna see other people.” And then… And then the last thing you see on the video is me looking into her phone and going like, “Play this in slow motion on my death reel.” So, um… So, then I had this surgery. And I lived. And, um… But it was really… It was a rough week because I have very low blood pressure, I guess. And so, they couldn’t put me to sleep for it. And so, I had to have… Once the surgery was done, they put a breathing tube down my throat. And then because it’s human nature if you’re awake to pull something that’s in your throat out, they had to tie my hands down. So, every time I would wake up, I would go to pull this thing out of my throat. And then I would see that my hands were tied down, and then I just thought what anyone would think in that situation, which is, “I’ve been captured by ISIS.” And it was so scary. And then a sister would have to come to my side and be like, “Sweetie, you’re okay. You just had surgery. They have to have your hand…” You know, and then I would understand. And then I would fall asleep, and a minute later I would wake up and the whole thing would happen again. And it was really scary. It was a nightmare. I don’t remember… Like, I was awake, but I don’t remember anything. And there were a few funny stories. Like, um… I would be really itchy. The medicine that was in me was so itchy. But my hands were tied down. And my sisters would fight with the nurses to just let one hand free so I could scratch. So, they finally did. And, uh, it was… like, I had an itch, like, just vagina-adjacent. And I… It felt… It was, like, so much relief. And then my friend John was standing in the corner. And I guess… I don’t remember this. I was told this. I pulled my hand out and then I, like, served it to John. And then, another time, like, my hands were tied down. And, um… That I served it? And then, um… He was like: In my mind. I don’t remember. Oh, another time… I was told, a nurse was in the room, and I, somehow, like, even though I had no mouth or hands, but I, like, made it clear to her, like, it was an emergency. I had to tell her something. And they had given me paper and a pencil. And I’m writing, and it’s, like, so important. And I finally finish, and then I show it to her, and she looks, and it just says, “Do you live with your mother?” With a picture of a dick. And, I mean… it’s really proof that once your conscious mind is out of the way, it’s just, like, sheer comic genius. You guys, we’ve reached the denouement. Were you making a noise because you’re impressed that I knew that word? Thank you. You’ve been very vocal, but in the perfect amount. You’re welcome. Like, the next time you wanna, like, be like, “Yay,” for me or something, let’s do this. You can go like this: Okay, the denouement. Did I say it right? Now we’re gonna have to, like, pick up a shot of you going: Um, yeah, because we’re here. Um… Jesus is coming back. Oh, on my back. That’s what it is. It was water. He turned it to come. How clever is that? I don’t know if there’s God. I mean, I cannot imagine there’s God. But I don’t know. Neither do you, you know? But if there is God, it’s a God that’s, like, totally fine with murder and, uh, children starving and… spin class. You know, all the… All the atrocities of life. I take… Spin class is great, if you love being punched in the vagina 70 times a minute. While just an ocean… Thank you, Steve Agee. While just an ocean of white people are singing the N-word with such glee. It’s because they play hip-hop music in there. Did I need to say that? Oh, my gosh. Were you guys like, “Is that what they do in there?” “Can I burn calories doing that?” Yes. I feel… I feel like a fraud because I feel like I talk so much about God and Jesus and all this stuff, and… I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I’m going to admit it. I have not read the Bible. I’ve tried. I have tried. In my defense, it’s unreadable. It’s so boring. It’s so dense. But it’s, like, not as deep as it thinks it is. And it just reads like a super-shitty Game of Thrones spec script or something. When is that coming back, Game of Thrones? – Not until… – June. – April? – June. – June. – June? It just was June. Oh, my God. I love it so much. It’s not perfect. It isn’t perfect, though. It’s like they… ‘Cause, look, everybody wears 900 pounds of armor. Then nothing from here to here. They just have this area to breathe. You know what the number one cause of death is in Game of Throne-y times? Neck stabs. Head-chopped-offs. Throat slits. I’m just saying, there’s a blacksmith in the fictional past that should be fired. The app that I do Twitter with, I can, um… I just sounded so old saying that. The app that I do Twitter with, it’s like I can schedule tweets. Which I like, because sometimes I’ll think of two, three tweets. I don’t wanna spoil you. I space them out. Many years ago now, the beginning of Twitter, practically, I scheduled a tweet. I scheduled it for 8:05 p.m. Pacific Time. Why would I remember that? Because at 8 p.m. Pacific Time… we captured and killed Osama bin Laden. The Twitterverse was aflame. At 8:05… I tweeted: “Why do my dog’s doodies come out cold?” Let me just remind you, I scheduled that tweet. That’s how good I thought it was. And I feel a little bit like Peter Sellers in Being There. Like, people put more depth on me than I have at all. I bet there were people that saw that tweet and were like: “You know what? That was cold. But it is our duty.” Okay, this is how I’m gonna end. I’m guessing this is a pretty godless crowd. Um, I like to… I’ve been on the road, and I like to end by asking if there’s a… Now I feel like a bully because it’s so godless. Usually when I’m in the rest of the country, I’m the only godless one, and then I don’t feel like an asshole. But are there any guys here that believe in God? Not like, “I believe there’s something.” I mean, like, an organized religion. Like Christian, Muslim, Jewish, bah, bah, bah… You’ve got, like, five seconds to raise your hand, if you’re close. Yeah, I didn’t think so. Really? Can you come up closer to me so that I’m in the light? But just come up to the stage. What’s your religion? Uh… I would say I’m Christian. You would say you’re Christian? There’s, like, a lot of different words we could use. I’m Protestant. I would probably classify myself as Lutheran. All right. Okay. What is your name, sir? – Troy. – Hi, Troy. – Hi. – Thank you for doing this. This is very brave. We’re in Los Angeles. It’s very godless. I draw the godless out. So, I don’t want you to feel bullied or something. It’s okay. I raised my hand voluntarily. What did you say your name was? Troy? – Troy. – Oh, okay. That’s fun. All right, Troy. I’m dying to ask this question. I’m so excited there’s a God person here. All right, you’re a Christian. – Right. – Protestant area. This is a question… that I think should be one of the big questions, even. Okay. Yes or no… would you let God come in your mouth? – No, no. – No? – No. – Okay, go back to your seat. Oh, my God, no. Thank you very much. Thank you, Troy. No. That’s mind-blowing to me. And yet not unique. Not a unique answer, I’ll tell you that. I would say the answer has to be yes. Um, but I will tell you that as I’ve been touring the country, 80 percent, at least, of men say no, like Troy. So, congratulations on not being unique. And yet being wrong, in my opinion. That is, uh, so petty, I think. You know, it’s like, up until now, Troy, you’re saying, “God…” I know that there’s AIDS and rape and famine and genocide and murder. But I know you have a plan, and I am your servant. Unless you’re serving come. “Then I’m out.” That’s so petty. God told Abraham to kill his son. And you know what Abraham said? “No problem. Chip! Get down here!” I know, I didn’t read the Bible, but everybody knows Abraham’s son was Chip. And Abraham was gonna murder his son. And then right before he did, God was like, “I’m kidding.” Can I come in your mouth?” Abraham’s like, “Is that a test of my faith?” God’s like, “Sure. Yes.” And then God came in Abraham… This is turning into fan fiction. But God came in Abraham’s mouth. And Abraham’s like: “Wow, I really thought that you were gonna stop at the last second like you did with the killing my…” Or I guess he’d be like, “Like you did with the killing my son.” God’s like, “I work in mysterious ways.” Thank you guys so much. – Okay. – I’m sharp as a tack. – There you go. – But they did just put something in intravenously. And it… And it feels like maybe… I’m getting high. Am I getting high? It feels like… It’s not that big a deal, actually. It’s not very intense. I feel like I could give a… I could argue a political side. Mm-hm. So, tell me… Talk me through Brexit. Brexit is like, you know, the same people that, uh… name their kids… Bentley ’cause they think that’s classy. They are the people voting for Brexit. Completely unknowing, innocent. Uh… Thinking it’s in their best interest. They’re voting completely against their best interest. These things that the EU provide their lives to make them livable. Uh, they’ve just ousted that. And they’re counting on the NHS, and that was a big sham promise. Mm-hm. Uh… You know. So, what are you gonna do? There are a lot of Bentleys in the world. A lot of Mercedes and Porsches. And they’re gonna be strippers. But some of them might be Supreme Court justices. Mm-hm. And I have hope. And I believe in people. We’re all just listening to the same… To different sets of lies. Maybe you should… – And she’s still making sense, too. – Maybe you should give her more. I am. I don’t feel very high. No, that’s right. No, no. That’s good. You’re perfect. You know… just if people were spoken to… This is what she’s like every day. By people who don’t have agendas and can just honestly make an earnest decision based on what they think is best for themselves and the country, we would have wild success all around. I know, right? But we don’t have that, unfortunately. I’m not high yet at all. This stuff is shit. Well… They’re gonna roll me into the ER and put me to sleep for a few days with a breathing tube. Some kind of new diet. Is that what you were expecting when you woke up? That wasn’t what I was expecting. – Okay. – Bye. I love you both so much. – I love you. – See you soon. See you on the flip side. Michael, I wanna see other people. Damn you. Okay, we love you. Love you. Bye-bye. Play that last bit in slow motion on my death reel.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Mike Birbiglia: Thank God for Jokes (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-birbiglia-thank-god-jokes-2017-full-transcript/

[crowd chattering] Hi, I’m Jimmy Kimmel. Can I get everyone to be quiet, please? Can everyone be quiet? Please? Everyone? John. Where is John Krasinski? John, please tell everyone to be quiet and pay attention. Could you do it a little bit louder, please? Thank you, John. Good evening and welcome to the 22nd Annual Gotham Awards. You are there tonight to celebrate the best independent films of 2012 and Matt Damon, whom we know from such influential independent films as Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen, The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, The Bourne Hypocrisy, and The Legend of Bagger Vance. No one embodies the spirit of indie like Matt Damon. Anyway, I know you’re eating and telling your friends about how much other people’s money you lost this year. But we’re about to get started, and I would like you to pay attention because I think you will be happy you did. The man you’re about to enjoy is very funny. He, too, is an independent filmmaker. He made an excellent movie this year called Sleepwalk with Me, and he is here tonight to entertain you more than Matt Damon could ever dream of doing, quite frankly. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your drinks down for five seconds and give a very warm welcome to Mike Birbiglia. [cheers and applause] So… Okay. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Well… That was four years ago. [audience laughing] And the reason I show you that is ’cause that video played before what ended up being one of the strangest nights of my life. Because when Jimmy Kimmel said John Krasinski’s name, John Krasinski was there, and he stood up, and he told everyone to be quiet. And by “everyone,” I mean, Matt Damon. And Amy Adams and Claire Danes and Harvey Weinstein, all these fancy people. And somehow, I was hosting this event. I’m not being falsely modest. I get that we’re all here right now. [chuckles] But I also know, at some point this week, you told someone where you were going tonight and that person said, “Who?” And you said some things I’d done. They said, “What’s that?” You said, “Go back to bed, Grandma,” ’cause she’s sleeping, but… I’m a niche, I understand that. But… this is a really big deal for me, and I was so anxious for the week leading up to the event. And I couldn’t sleep, I was short of breath. The night before, I said to my wife, “Clo…” Her name is Jen. I said– I said, “Clo… I think this might be a disaster.” She said, “Mo… why do you think that?” I said, “I’ve been a comedian for 15 years, and what I’ve learned is that you should never tell jokes to the people who the jokes are about.” My wife had the perfect answer for this, and I’ll tell you what it was later. But jokes are something I think about all the time. They’re a volatile type of speech. Just look at the news. The Charlie Hebdo incident two years ago where these ten satirists were killed for drawing a disrespectful cartoon of Muhammad, who the killers believed to be the prophet of Allah, their lord and savior, which, by the way, he might be. I have no horse in that race. Muhammad seems like a nice guy. Jesus was popular with 12 dudes. Buddha’s confusing. I’m pretty sure he’s an elephant or a sumo wrestler. The point is… that these were comedy writers like me, and they were murdered. I was so shocked by this. At the time, I remember talking to everybody about it. And my mother said to me, “Can’t these writers just write jokes that aren’t offensive?” And I thought about it. I said, “I’m not sure that’s possible, because all jokes are offensive… to someone.” I’ll give you an example. My wife does this thing that drives me crazy. She’s late for everything, and I’m an on-time person. Round of applause if you’re a late person, typically. Few people. So, what late people don’t understand about us on-time people is that we hate you. And… the reason why we hate you is that it’s so easy to be on time. You just have to be early, and early lasts for hours. And on-time just lasts a second, and then you’re late forever. Welcome to the show. Thanks for being here. Thanks for coming. We were just talking about you. So, late people always try to re-brand “late.” They’ll say, “I’m fashionably late,” which is like saying, “I’m stylishly racist.” Which is another thing about late people. A lot of them are racist. And the reason these late racists drive me crazy… is they’re often so good-looking. I mean, you ever get ready for something with a late person? They look into their closet like it’s Narnia. Like it’s an infinite well of possibilities. On-time people are just like, “This is what I look like.” Sorry about that. The reason I’m an expert in this is that I was raised by late people. My parents are laties, and– When I was a kid, my mom used to pick me up from my swim class at the YMCA, 90 minutes after the class would end. I know. She was like the cable company. “I will pick you up between the hours of 2:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m.” I was a ten-year-old child just standing on the street corner in a dripping wet bathing suit and flip-flops. My mom wasn’t on the way. She was at the book club talking about The Color Purple. I was like, “Mom, I am the color purple!” One year, we went on a family vacation, and we left for the airport 45 minutes before our flight took off. We lived 45 minutes away from the airport. My dad shouted at the security guard like it was his fault. This is the ’80s, when airport security consisted of a high-five and a pat on the ass. It was a different time for late people. It was the golden age. And then I married a late person, like I said, and it’s an issue. This week, we were heading to yoga, which is why I look excellent and feel excellent. I yearn for the day that doesn’t get a laugh. I’m not even sure why we’re laughing, but I’ll go with it. So… we’re heading to yoga. My wife says, “Wait for me, I’m not ready.” Which is silly ’cause you don’t have to be ready for yoga, ’cause all it is is trying not to fart while stretching. And that’s my life already without the stretching. And clearly… clearly, I don’t belong in yoga. It wasn’t designed for male humans. And you can tell when the instructor says, “I want you to reach your hand back towards your bra strap, and then lift up your leg unless you’re on your period.” I’m like, “I’m pretty sure none of that applies to me. I’ve only had my period once. I’m not even sure that’s what that was.” Some of the poses are outrageous. The other day, the instructor goes, “I want you to push your chest into the mat and your butt in the air, and then pull up the front of your mat like a slut.” I was like, “All right.” I was trying to be a team player. I was like, “I’m a bad girl. I’m a yoga slut down on my luck… trying to forge a mind-body connection.” And then she goes, “That’s right, pull up the front of your mat like a sled.” Minor adjustment. Let me just close my butt. So, my wife says, “Wait for me, I’m not ready.” And I held my ground. I go, “I’m not gonna wait for you ’cause you’re a late person. I’m an on-time person. I don’t want that entering into our marriage ’cause I feel like it’s going really well so far.” Try to put a positive spin on it. And she goes, “Fine.” Passive-aggressive– classic for late people. And then she says, “Save a mat next to your mat, for me, in class.” I said, “Clo, I’m not gonna do that ’cause I have more allegiance to my fellow on-time people than I do to you, my own wife.” And that didn’t go well. And so– So, I felt bad. And then I get to class, and I put down my mat. Then I put down a mat next to my mat for my wife. And this woman comes up, she goes, “Do you mind if I put my mat right here?” I was like, “Actually, my wife is…” [mumbling] Sometimes I’m so polite, I don’t even finish sentences. This other woman comes up, she goes… [mumbling] I was like… [mumbling] We were like deferent whales. Which is another pose I’m working on. Class fills up, 100% full, wall-to-wall sluts. Except for the empty mat next to my mat, because my wife decided, arbitrarily, she just wasn’t gonna come to class that day. I know! The ultimate late person move! Absence! Class– class ends. Empty mat. All that people are gonna assume is that my wife is dead. Or I’ve invented the fictional concept of having a wife so I can have this weird double-wide super mat. The most selfish possible move in the most socialist of exercises. And this woman comes up. She says, “I hope your wife is okay.” Which is the yoga way of saying, “We hate you.” But that’s just my side of the story. In fairness to my wife, if she were here tonight, she’d be like, “Yeah, but you’re not telling them…” And I’d be like, “Excuse me, ma’am. There’s a show going on.” She’d be escorted out of the building. I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again. That’s what I love about jokes. They’re just your side of the story. They’re your opinion, which isn’t to say they’re always just opinions. Sometimes they’re an externalization of your inner thoughts, and often your inner thoughts are inappropriate. I was at my urologist recently. Just chillin’. No, I had a– I had a symptom. Don’t repeat this. I had a symptom where– This is hard to say. I had a thing where, when my wife and I would have sex, I would have a pins-and-needles sensation in my urethra the moment I would ejaculate. Which at first was exciting. At first, I thought, “Ohh. Maybe this is a new type of orgasm. Maybe I’ve broken through.” But then the pain didn’t go away. I was like, “Oh, no!” It’s like when you’re eating spicy food and you’re like, “That’s hot. That’s hot! That’s too hot!” But it was with my penis. Which is much higher stakes than your tongue, which is your mouth penis, in a way. Nobody calls it that, but– So, I explained this to my doctor– not in these words– and he’s unfazed by it. He goes, “It’s not a big deal. It’s probably a muscular thing. You’re just trying too hard when you have sex.” And I said, “You’re telling me.” But I didn’t– I didn’t say it. I just thought that. I was like… [grunts] He was like, “Is there something wrong with your head?” And, uh… ‘Cause I don’t say a lot of jokes offstage. I just think them. He was like, “Is there something wrong with your head?” I go, “No, I’m a comedian.” He goes, “You’re a comedian?” I go, “You’re a doctor?” But I didn’t say it. I just thought it. I was, like… [grunts] You know? He really didn’t believe me, he goes, “If you’re a comedian, how come you’re not funny now?” What I wanted to say was I’m gonna take this conversation we’re having and then repeat that to strangers. And then that’s the joke. You’re the joke… later. But I didn’t say it. I just thought it, and, uh… I could say these jokes. But when you have your pants at your ankles and a rectal thermometer in your butt, you’re thinking, “This might not be the right time.” I feel like we’re led to believe this false cliché from romantic comedies that we’re all just whipping off jokes all the time. Like, we meet a girl in a coffee shop and we’re like, “What’s in your latte? Cum?” And she’ll be like, “You’re hilarious! We should be married in 90 minutes.” But in real life, that guy gets arrested. Or runs for president. Like, if you think about– [cheers and applause] If you think about jokes– If you think about jokes, you can’t tell jokes in life, almost ever. Like, at work or school. Or the airport is a great example. I read a story where a guy sneezed on a plane, looks around and he goes, “I have Ebola.” Here’s why that’s not a good joke. They landed the plane. They landed the plane. And they’re met by the guys in hazmat suits. And his defense was, “I’m joking.” Which is always this catch-all defense when people say dumb things. You can’t tell jokes at work, basically, because at some point in history, some idiot showed up at work, and was like, “Nice tits, Betsy!” And Betsy’s like, “What?” And that guy’s like, “I’m joking!” And the boss is like… “Uh… no more jokes!” Jokes have been ruined by people who aren’t good at telling jokes. A joke should never end with “I’m joking.” Or “Git-R-Done.” So, it’s the week before I host the Gotham Awards, and I start writing the jokes. And it felt like sort of a no-win situation: How do I make jokes that are relevant to the people in the audience but don’t make them hate me? And so, I started with jokes about myself. I wrote, “It’s an honor to be here, because 13 years ago, I was a coat check person at this event. And here I am hosting, and I made more money checking coats.” Which is true. Yeah, I remember that period of my life so well. I was so broke, and I was actually living on an air mattress in Queens, and I couldn’t afford a dresser for my clothes. When you’re broke, everything is just low to the ground. You know? You– You roll off your air mattress in the morning, grab pants from the floor, you cook noodles on a hot plate. One falls out of your mouth, you’re like, “It’s not too far.” The only way you could get lower is if you died. And I moved to New York ’cause there’s all these comedy clubs here, but they didn’t want me ’cause I wasn’t good at it. So, what I did was I drove my mom’s station wagon around the country to areas of lesser comedy concentration, places like Ohio, West Virginia, New Jersey, and… [audience laughs] Not a joke, but thanks. [laughs] And, actually, I bought my mom’s car. I always like to point that out because I found out recently that sometimes when parents have faith in their child’s dreams… they’ll give them their car. My mom got the full Blue Book value. She was like, “This guy just doesn’t have it.” And… I remember this rock-bottom moment where I’m driving back from a comedy club in New Jersey to my air mattress in Queens, and this cop just points at me and waves me over. When you’re broke, cops will pull you over if you have a crappy car just to see what else you got going wrong, you know? Yeah. And he says, “License and registration.” As I’m pulling out my license, I’m realizing it’s expired by three weeks. And I had that moment where I think, “Should I preface this conversation with this key piece of information?” Like, “You’re not gonna like this.” You know what I mean? “Same team. We both think I’m an idiot.” And… It was actually worse than just that. He came back and goes, “Did you know that your license is suspended?” Yeah, I didn’t even know what that meant. I was very naive, and so I– I had an unpaid speeding ticket from high school. So I said to him, and I quote– I said, “Yes. No. Wait. What does ‘suspended’ mean?” And he said, “Please step out of the car.” And I get out of the car. He says, “You’re under arrest.” I said, “No, I don’t think so.” He says, “I’m sure of it.” And then he cuffs me to prove the whole thing. And– Round of applause if you’ve been arrested. Has anyone been arrested before? Few people. What did you– Can I ask, what did you get arrested for? I got arrested by a woman cop and put in a headlock. I don’t like how you said “woman cop.” That was very obnoxious. It really was. I don’t– I’m fine with it. It’s a comedy show. Anything can happen. We’re all friends here. But it just did rub me the wrong way. You know, women can be cops. It’s sort of part of the whole thing. You said you’re– You’re saying it like it’s an anomaly. And it’s, like, a whole thing. I only said it like that because I’ve been getting my balls busted for the last ten years over it. Oh, okay. Well, that doesn’t make sense also. But, uh– but sure, yeah. So– So, this crazy, out-of-nowhere, woman cop shows up. Well, get this: she’s a lady. Badge and everything. And I said, “Cook me dinner!” You know what she said? She said, “No, you’re under arrest for a crime.” So… Unbelievable. You’re really buried in this point. I mean, there’s nothing– There’s nothing you could say that would vindicate you. She put me in a headlock. You already said that. I feel like your talking points are all wrong. She put you in a headlock? Why? First of all, what was your crime? I got to a keg, and I got my cup of beer, and I was waiting in line for the beer. -And… -You’re leaving out so many details. Where?! Basic details! We don’t all have to be Ira Glass, but come on! Where– where was this? It was in the woods. So– So– [laughing] So– No further questions, Your Honor. It was in the woods. It was in the woods. I didn’t even know ladies went in the woods. It was like seeing Bigfoot. I will say this about being arrested. It’s a shocking experience if you’ve never had it happen, because they cuff you, and the cuffs hurt. And the cops don’t have to take you to jail right away. Like, I was cuffed in New Jersey and sitting in the back of the cruiser. I’m looking through the windshield, the cop was just hanging out with his cop buddies. And they’re laughing, making jokes, like, “I arrested this guy for nothing.” You know, just like, “What does ‘suspended’ mean?” And… I’m having the most traumatic moment of my life. It’s like, “I never knew I would be arrested. I wear New Balance shoes.” You know, and– And I’m nervous ’cause I’m afraid of cops. I always thought I was most afraid of bears, but at least if a bear kills you, everyone gets mad at the bear. If a cop kills you, 30% of Americans are like, “It’s a hard job.” You know what I mean? If a bear kills you, they don’t have a bear press conference where all the bears stand behind the murderous bear in solidarity, and the bear commissioner steps forward, and he’s like, “He’s usually a pretty good bear. He usually just eats honey and is unaware of bees.” But cops will kill you. That’s, like, on the news and everything. And so– So, I’m nervous and I’m sweating. I’m itchy. I had an itch on my face. But I didn’t have any extremities available. So, I’m looking around like the character from No Country for Old Men. And I see a door handle. I’m like, “That’s pointy.” And I reach over. I’m scratching my face on the door handle which creates more itchiness on my cheek and my shoulder. And then I’m just sort of writhing around in circles, like a dog trying to shake off a medical cone. And the cop looks back. He’s like, “We got a live one! What the hell are you doing?” I’m like, “Will you scratch my face?” Apparently, they never do that. Not once, ever. As it turns out, no one’s even asked, which is crazy to me. ‘Cause that’s the itchiest backseat I’ve ever been in. It’s like a tickle fight back there… with lice. I would have done anything for a scratch. I’d be like, “I’ll let you use your gun,” you know, which is pointy, but obviously dangerous. And so… the officer books me at the Weehawken, New Jersey, jail. He even took the shoelaces out of my shoes ’cause apparently, it’s a very common thing when people’s licenses are suspended… is they’ll hang themselves. I don’t like to joke about it. It’s called suspension post-suspension. It is… all-too-common, under-reported. And then– And then he took a mug shot of me. He knew I’d performed at a comedy club that night. So, he took an extra one, and he put it in his pocket. He goes, “This is in case you ever get famous.” Which I thought was nice, you know? I was like, “At least he’s rooting for me.” Sure, he’s arresting me now. But long-term, this guy sees it. Which is more than I can say for my mom. And so– So, I had this one joke about being a coat check person. But increasingly, I’m getting so anxious about hosting this event. And so I called Jimmy Kimmel, ’cause I thought that if I had a video like that, it might give me some credibility with the audience, where it felt like every relevant topic would be a minefield. Which is always, by the way, somewhat the case in comedy when you perform for a specific group of people. Like, I remember the most extreme example I’ve had. I was performing at a Christian college, and, uh… It was a weird show. It was in a giant gymnasium, and there was a 30-foot crucifix on the wall. And I thought that was funny, because I was thinking, like, if Jesus were there, what would he say? Like, “Use the elliptical!” You know, because– Because I think about Jesus a lot. I went to Catholic school for nine years, and they teach it to you when you’re so young, you’re seven. They’re like, “There’s this guy Jesus, and he loves you. And you love him, too, right?” You’re like, “Wait. Do I know this guy?” And they’re like, “Oh, yeah, there’s this guy Jesus, who everybody loves ’cause he loves everybody. And a long time ago, he died, and it’s not totally your fault. So… don’t be scared or sad ’cause he’s in heaven now with his dad, who is also God. There’s this other thing called The Holy Spirit that no one really understands. All three of these things are a cluster… that are staring at you all the time.” If you have any questions, just pop into that strange broom closet in the corner with Father Steven, who no one’s done a background check on. Don’t forget to mention if you’ve been masturbating, ’cause he’s fascinated by that. And angry, but mostly fascinated, and– Starts innocently enough, as innocently as man-boy love can start. You sort of accept there’s this guy Jesus, and he loves you, but he’s dead and he’s bleeding, but he’s in great shape, and– And I actually really enjoyed church when I was a kid. My favorite part was the hymns. We’d sing this one that goes: ♪ Christ has died ♪ ♪ Christ is risen ♪ ♪ Christ will come again ♪ Thank you, guys. You know that one? It’s a hit. It’s been number one on the charts for 47,000 weeks in a row. Pretty sure it’s gone myrrh, at this point. Yeah, that’s right. That’s a rare myrrh joke. That joke is comedy myrrh. And– No, I love that song. Lyrically, very concise. You got Christ. He’s the protagonist, and then he died, which is sad. Then he’s risen, which is unexpected. And then he’ll come again, which– I don’t know, I’m– I’m not sure I’m rooting for that part. I feel like, you know, thanks for coming. Appreciate the books, but– Do we really want him to come again? If he comes again, he’s gonna be so mad. [imitating Woody Allen] He’s gonna be like, “I don’t understand. How come these people are so rich and these people are so poor?” ‘Cause he’s Jewish, right? He’d have a Jewish affect. “How come these people have thousands of loaves, and these people have half a loaf?” ‘Cause he’s a socialist. He’s a Jewish socialist. He’s the least popular modern demographic, especially with Christians. He’s the original Bernie Sanders. You know that, right? I mean, Jesus– Jesus would never win in the general. But– So, my brother Joe, who’s here with me tonight, he would– He really taught me what jokes were when I was a kid. He used to sing parodies of these hymns while we sang the actual hymns. He was like the “Weird Al” Yankovic of church. He’d go… ♪ Christ has lied Christ was imprisoned ♪ ♪ Christ will come at ten ♪ By far, my favorite line– this idea that Christ will be arriving at a very specific time. Because Christ is an on-time person. That’s one thing you should know. He’s a punctual savior. So, I’m talking about all this on stage in this Christian college gymnasium, and… it’s not connecting, you know? And it was really sort of awkward backstage after the show between me and this guy who booked me. He was just like, “Why? Why would you talk about Jesus for ten minutes on stage?” And I didn’t have the best answer, but I feel like it’s good enough to share with you guys. I said, “Jesus died… so I could tell those jokes.” In fairness to the Christian college organizer, I’m a pretty safe bet as far as comedians go, I don’t curse gratuitously on stage, which has a lot to do with my mom. No, really. When I moved to New York, she was upset, and I’d go, “Why?” She said, “I don’t want you to become one of those dirty comedians.” And I said, “Okay.” And she said, “You don’t have to use those words to be funny. For example, Oprah’s very funny.” And I said, “Maybe to Gayle. Or even Stedman, when they let him in on it. But I don’t know– I don’t know if you understand my goals, Mom. I’m not trying to be the queen of daytime.” Because my mom and I are so close, I really tried not to curse a lot over the years on stage. At this point, I’ve released four comedy albums, and none of them have the explicit lyrics label on them. But sometimes, I feel conflicted about that ’cause a lot of comedians I admire most did curse on stage. Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor. And some of them who famously don’t curse are secretly criminals. This is fun for me, just watching 50 people mouth, “Bill Cosby.” And then there’s this odd thing about not cursing, which is, sometimes you’re booked in places just for that reason. Like, a few years ago, I got booked to perform with the Muppets, which is a great honor. I grew up on the Muppets. It was a Canadian television special hosted by them, and I had to follow Fozzie Bear. I’ll tell you something about Fozzie Bear. He’s actually a pretty good comedian. I feel like I have to make that point because the joke of Fozzie, I guess, is that he’s a bad comedian who also is a bear. But Fozzie– Following Fozzie is nearly impossible. Like, he’s killing on stage, killing. Even when he’s not killing, he’s killing ’cause he’s got that joke parachute catchphrase: “Wocka Wocka Wocka!” Which is his “Git-R-Done,” by the way. I don’t know if you’ve thought of that before, but… I’m watching Fozzie from the wings, and it’s dawning on me, like, this show isn’t gonna go well for me, for a very specific reason. When people go to see the Muppets, they don’t want to see people. They just want to see more Muppets. When you’re watching Sesame Street and Gordon and Maria wander in the frame, and you’re like, “Out of there.” We want to see more of the creature who lives in the garbage. So, Fozzie’s killing, and then he’s heckled off the stage by Statler and Waldorf. That’s the gay couple that lives in the balcony. If that’s not the case, I’m very confused. They go to theater seven nights a week, and they bitch about everything. I mean, what– What are the clues here? And so… Statler and Waldorf heckled Fozzie, and then they introduced me, which is an insane precedent for hecklers– this idea that if a heckler defeats the comedian, they’re now in charge of the show? It’s like if a streaker ran onto Yankee Stadium, they just threw him a mitt. They’re like, “Third base!” “I don’t have a uniform!” You know? So, they introduced me, and they’re mean. That’s Statler and Waldorf’s thing. One of them goes, “This next guy walks in his sleep.” “Oh, yeah? I like sleeping during his act. Ha!” “Please welcome Mike Birbiglia.” And I jog onto stage. And I’m so flustered by being pre-heckled by these surreal puppets, that I forgot to bring my stool. I get to the center, and I look around. I go, “Ah, fuck!” I’ll tell you who doesn’t like the word “fuck.” People who have purchased tickets to see the Muppets… and the Muppets. The people in the audience were like… [nervous scream] The Muppets were like… I go, “Sorry about that!” And I jog off stage. [cheers and applause] And I jog back on stage, this time with the stool. There’s nothing I can do to get the audience on my side. Because not only am I the guy who cursed on The Muppets, as far as these people know, I’m the guy who curses exclusively on The Muppets, not even in the context of a joke. I’m just this guy… who jogs on stage, says “fuck,” and then jogs off stage. I’m like the villain of the Muppets. I’m, like, Fuck Monster. Which is what I’ve been trying to get my wife to call me for years. So, I’m bombing on The Muppets. It’s literally the opposite of my childhood dream come true. I remember as a kid thinking like, “Maybe someday, I’ll be on The Muppets.” But I never thought, “Maybe someday, I’ll be on The Muppets, and it’s not gonna go so well.” After ten minutes, I walk off stage– I’m not making this up. I was consoled by Kermit. He was like, “I thought you were good.” I was like, “Not now!” Threw him up against the wall. No, it was– I felt terrible. I just felt like I failed so profoundly. But then the more I mulled it over, the more I thought maybe I’m being overly prude on behalf of the Muppets. If you think about it, the Muppets, they’ve seen a lot. The Muppets are, like, 70 years old. Like, you think when the cameras aren’t rolling, Animal doesn’t curse? You think Animal’s never like… [screaming] “This fucking snare drum sounds like shit!” I’m pretty sure Janice has tried heroin. You know what I mean? You think Janice is never like, “Kermit, I am, like, so fucked up. Can I use your leg to tie off my arm?” That’s right. That’s a Muppets heroin joke. And I’m pretty sure if there was a line, I stepped over it right there. That’s what you always have to think about when you’re writing jokes, is sort of, where is the line? And you don’t want to cross it, but you want to go near it. You know, it’s subjective, sort of where the line is. That’s where it becomes complicated. And that’s what I was mulling over as I was flying back to New York the day before hosting the Gotham Awards. I was on the plane. I was writing jokes, and I was eating a chicken salad sandwich on walnut raisin bread. And I remember that because, actually, the flight attendant came over, and he was like, “Excuse me, are there nuts in your sandwich?” I knew it wasn’t gonna end well. Because that sentence never ends with: “‘Cause I love nuts! Nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts! They’re great in everything! Sprinkle them on your sundae! They’re the building blocks of pesto!” Which they are and nobody’s talking about it. And so, as– So, as I responded, I just kept eating the sandwich. I was like… “I think that there might be… walnuts in the bread.” “Actually, you can’t eat that on the plane ’cause the woman seated by the window… has a nut allergy.” “I won’t feed them to her. Or rub them on her face.” “Actually, she’ll have a reaction even if there are nuts in the air.” “Nuts in the air?” Which just so happens to be my favorite hip-hop song. I tried to be respectful. I said to the woman, “Are you serious? You’ll have a reaction if there are nuts in the air?” She said, “Yeah, I’ll have a reaction if there are nuts in the air.” “You shouldn’t leave the house. There are nuts everywhere.” And I was so hungry, I said to the flight attendant, I said, “Is there anywhere where I can finish my sandwich?” “You can finish it… in the bathroom.” “Okay.” And I head out. And I walked into a JetBlue bathroom, and I ate a chicken salad sandwich. I’m experiencing that great symphony of smells– just bathroom and antiseptic, mayonnaise, and I’m gagging. And I’m eating more of the sandwich, and I’m gagging. And I’m eating more of the sandwich. And I realized at that moment, that I have what is called a fecal airspace allergy. And– Well, you know, it isn’t just if I eat feces. It is if– It’s if the feces… are in the air. If the feces are in the air… I’ll have a reaction. All right. So, you know who doesn’t like this story, are people with nut allergies. And you know who does like this story? Everyone else. And… I feel genuinely conflicted about that, ’cause there’s almost a thousand people in this room together right now. And about 997 of us are like, “Ha ha! Nuts in the air.” And then three of us secretly are like, “That’s my life.” You know? And I don’t– I don’t want to be that to you, but jokes have to be about something. I told that story last year in San Francisco, and this kid came to me after the show, and he asked me if I would sign his EpiPen. ‘Cause he has a nut allergy. And if he has a reaction, his mom has to spike him in his leg so he doesn’t die. And I was really moved by this, ’cause that’s precisely my sense of humor. I have jokes on my albums about having a bladder tumor when I was 19, and how I was once hit by a drunk driver, how I have a life-threatening sleep disorder. And those are my best jokes. That’s sort of what I’m interested in. So, I said to his mom, “How many times have you had to spike him?” And she said, “Three times.” I thought, “Wow. This kid almost died three times… so I could tell that joke.” So I wanted to dedicate this show tonight to him. He’s dead. I’m joking. Wocka Wocka Wocka! Git-R-Done! I’m flying back to New York and writing jokes, and I’m researching the guests of honor at the Gotham Awards. And I see that David O. Russell is gonna be there. And David O. Russell is one of my absolute favorite directors, dating back to when I was in high school. I remember seeing his movie Flirting with Disaster in the theater. And I laughed so hard, and then he went on to have this illustrious Oscar Award-winning career– Silver Linings Playbook, American Hustle, Three Kings. And I’m reading about him, and this joke occurs to me on the plane, and I just start laughing maniacally, alone. Not the best look. You know, just like… [nervous laughter] “I have Ebola!” I’m laughing for two reasons. One, at the joke, and two, at the absurdity that I would tell this joke the next night when he would be sitting right there. And so the moment I land, I call my wife. I said, “Clo, listen to this joke.” And she laughed really hard, and I’ll tell it to you guys in a moment. But first, I just want to say one last thing about jokes, which is that I think jokes, at their best, have the ability to make us all feel closer to one another. I think one of the– My favorite things about marriage is that you can share jokes with your wife or husband that are funny to you and that person and no one else, other than maybe your cat. Because when you have a cat, your barometer for humor– out the window. Last summer, my wife and I went on a trip to Massachusetts. And I called it “Catsachusetts,” which is not funny. But in our house, it was the joke of the year! I was like, “We’re going to Catsachusetts.” My wife’s like, “Aah!” I was like, “Aah!” Our cat was like, “Aah!” Because everyone loves a good pun when you have a cat. So, we drive to Catsachusetts. When we arrive, my wife has a headache, and she asks me if I’ll acclimate Ivan– that’s our cat– to the bedroom. ‘Cause he’s an indoor cat, and you can’t just put an indoor cat into a house because he’ll explode. I bring him in the bedroom, and while I’m there, my wife discovers that there were mice in the house. And it was worse than just mice. They were parasitic mice. They have toxoplasmosis, which means they have a parasite in them, and they want it in you. They’re unafraid of cats. They’re unafraid of people. We discovered this because my wife was watching TV on the couch, and she looked next to her, and there was a mouse, and he was watching TV also. And she screamed, and he just looked up at her like Stuart Little. Like, “Hey! What’s going on? I don’t like this show, either. I don’t know why all those women would want to marry that one guy.” She pushes him off the couch, and he doesn’t even run away. He doesn’t even scurry, which is a verb invented for mice. He just walks into the kitchen like a roommate. He was like, “Fine, I’ll go in the other room. I just think you’re overreacting.” Then he did a confessional into the mouse cam in the kitchen. He was like, “I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to win. I was here before they came. I’ll be here when they’re gone. I’m a mouse.” That’s from Real Mousewives of Catsachusetts. That night, I’m sound asleep, and my wife wakes me up by grabbing my face. She says, “Mo, Ivan found the mouse. You need to get the mouse.” And I said, “Clo… we have a cat. We do everything for the cat. We give him food. We give him an apartment that he thinks is the world. We set aside an area in the apartment for him to poop in that we clean more often than the area where we poop. We have a gentleman’s agreement that in the unlikely event that a mouse should walk through that door… [imitates Don Corleone] and that day may never come… that he will murder that mouse, and we will never speak of that mouse again, and that cat will receive protection.” That’s from Catfather. Clo says, “Mo, get the mouse.” And she hands me a cup. I take the cup, walk towards the mouse. Mouse walks towards me. I walk away from the mouse. I put the cup over the mouse. I put a magazine under the cup, and I take him in the backyard. I stick him in the forest, where I can only assume that he walked into the mouth of a wolf. The next day we drove home, and from that day forward, we have called that state… Mouseachusetts. So, I want to point out something special, that happened there at the end which is, a few minutes ago, I prefaced the story with a Massachusetts-based pun. Catsachusetts. Which we all agreed as a group: Not funny. Moments ago… I concluded the story with another Massachusetts-based pun. It was nearly identical. It was Mouseachusetts. But that time, we applauded. Which means… in a way… it’s like we’re married. I do. So, now that we’re married… I’m gonna share with you this joke I told at the Gotham Awards. David O. Russell, like I said, is one of my favorite directors, but infamously, shouted at Lily Tomlin on the set of I Heart Huckabees many years ago. You might’ve seen it on YouTube because it was caught on tape, it was put on YouTube. It was seen by millions of people. If you haven’t seen it, there is nothing I could do to properly convey just how extreme this rant was other than typing out a transcript of what he said, printing it out and just reading it to you. So, they were on the set of this movie. They’re in this classroom area, and it’s Dustin Hoffman, Lily Tomlin and Jason Schwartzman. And in between takes, David O. Russell comes out and he says to Lily Tomlin, and I quote, he says, “I’m just trying to fucking help you! You understand me?! I’m just trying to be a fucking collaborator! I’m just trying to help you figure out the fucking picture! Okay, bitch?! I’m not here to be fucking yelled at! I didn’t work on this thing for three fucking years to have some fucking cunt yell at me in front of the crew when I’m trying to help you, bitch!” So, I thought I should talk about that on stage because– because if comedy is tragedy plus time, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. So, I said, “David O. Russell’s here.” He’s about where you are, about third row. I said, “One of my favorite directors, known for going to extremes to get exactly what he wants. The great director Elia Kazan once said, ‘You do whatever it takes to get the shot.’ David O. Russell once said, ‘I’m just trying to fucking help you, you understand me? I’m just being a fucking collaborator. I’m just trying to help you figure out the fucking picture. Okay, bitch? I’m not here to be fucking yelled at. I didn’t work on this thing for three fucking years to have some fucking cunt yell at me in front of the crew when I’m trying to help you, bitch.’ Two great directors basically saying the same thing.” [cheers and applause] The audience enjoyed it. David O. Russell left. Which was unfortunate timing because he was just about to receive the lifetime achievement award. The woman who booked me came over to my table and she said, “Mike, David is very upset about your joke, and I think he might leave. Will you talk to him?” And I said, “Absolutely.” Because, worst-case scenario, it goes terribly. Best-case scenario, he makes me the lead in his next film. And so, I’m walking with this woman. She says, “It’s my fault. I never should’ve let you tell that joke. I should have screened your jokes.” And I felt so bad because I wanted to be like, “I never would’ve let you screen my jokes. I would’ve sent you decoy jokes.” I’d never hand someone a piece of paper with the word “cunt” written on it. I wasn’t raised that way. ♪ Christ has died, Christ is risen ♪ But instead, I was like, “Yeah, maybe it’s your fault. Who knows?” And then… we get to the men’s room. David O. Russell storms out to the exit. She follows him, and I follow her. He looks back at her and goes, “Give your fucking award to someone else!” And I was like, “Awesome. This is like we’re in the video.” I go back to my table and my wife says, “Mo, what’s going on?” And I say, “Clo, it’s a long story, and it hasn’t ended yet. But we’re not in Mouseachusetts anymore.” Sitting at our table was Jared Leto, but I didn’t know it was him because he was preparing for his role in Dallas Buyers Club. And so he’d shaved his eyebrows, and he hadn’t eaten in weeks. And he leans over and goes, “I haven’t eaten in 21 days. And that joke made me laugh my ass off.” I said, “Thank you, strange skeleton man. That means a lot to me ’cause I’m in a lot of trouble right now.” Amy Adams gets on stage to present the award to David O. Russell, or not. She says, “David is a wonderful collaborator.” Which is the exact language from the video, though she left out the “C” word, which was smart. And then David O. Russell got on stage, and he gave a really wonderful speech. He’s got a lot of wisdom. He sits down. The reporter said, “David, what did you think of Mike Birbiglia’s joke?” “Comedians are gonna make jokes about what they’re gonna make jokes about.” They came over to me. “Mike, what did you think of David’s reaction?” I said, “Whatever he said is fine.” And an article came out in Variety magazine that week about the event, and the opening line of the article read, and I quote… “Before any winners were announced at Monday’s 22nd edition of the Gotham Awards, one thing became clear: Mike Birbiglia will not be in David O. Russell’s next picture.” I’m the joke, later. And I think that’s fair. Because if David O. Russell were here tonight, he would say, “I was invited to that event to be honored by my peers. And then you, who I’d never heard of, got on stage and recited verbatim the most regrettable three minutes of my life, and everybody laughed.” And I would say, “Excuse me, sir. There’s a show going on.” He’d be escorted out of the building. That’s his side of the story. But I want you guys to know my side of the story, which is that I gave it a lot of thought before telling that joke. I ran it by comedian friends. I ran it by my brother Joe, who wrote “Christ Will Come at Ten.” I ran it by my wife the night before. I said, “Clo, can I tell this joke when I know he’ll be right there, and it will not go well for him at all?” And Clo said, “It depends on what you want from the night. If you want to be successful in show business, you probably shouldn’t tell the joke. If you want to be true to yourself as a comedian, then tell the joke.” And I told it… because I love jokes. I really do. I love jokes. Jokes are meaningful to me. Tonight’s show here with you guys is meaningful to me. And the Charlie Hebdo incident in France two years ago was meaningful to me and to a lot of people. After that incident, I read about this peaceful rally in France with almost four million people. It was leaders of Israel and Palestine, people of all religions, and they were gathered behind the idea that despite our differing jokes and opinions, civility is ultimately what matters. And increasingly it matters more, because now you can transmit images and jokes and cartoons and videos across the Earth in seconds. So, people in Russia are our neighbors. People in China are our neighbors. People in Texas are our neighbors. Which, to me, is most worrisome. But it really does beg this question: “What does it mean to be a decent neighbor?” I think part of it is just listening to people in the context in which they intend their words. You guys could leave here right now and say, “Mike Birbiglia got on stage and said Jesus was a Jewish socialist who talks like Woody Allen. Then he said, ‘Nice tits, Betsy,’ which is sexist. Then he said, ‘Statler and Waldorf are gay,’ which is homophobic. Then he called his tongue his mouth penis, which is offensive to mouths and penises. Then he made fun of that guy for saying he was arrested by a woman cop. Then he said, ‘♪ Christ has died, Christ is risen ♪’ which sounded phenomenal but was also offensive. Then he told cat puns for an hour. Which I don’t enjoy ’cause I’m humorless. Then he didn’t tell one joke about Muslims ’cause he loves ISIS! Then he said, ‘I’m just trying to fucking help you, you cunt!’ And then he left.” And all of that’s true. Which is why I’m cautious when I tell jokes on stage, because anything can be taken out of context. People’s careers are taken down instantly, and some people… are killed. So, I’m putting this in your hands. You can choose to leave here and quote me out of context, or you can choose not to. But I trust that you won’t. Because we’re neighbors. And whether you like it or not… we’re married. [cheers and applause] [choral music playing] Thank you. Thank you so much for being a part of this. [choir] ♪ Christ has lied Christ was imprisoned ♪ ♪ Christ will come at ten ♪ Thank you very much. See you next time, everybody. See you in the neighborhood. [man] Wet Money exclusive! [man 2 laughing] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Pesto. Wet Money. Check it out! ♪ We had to make a flight, yeah Didn’t have time to eat ♪ ♪ Threw my stuff in the bag As I jumped onto my feet ♪ ♪ The bag was filled with nuts Some bread around cold cuts ♪ ♪ I didn’t know it was a thing Until a lady started to sing ♪ ♪ Nuts in the air, nuts in the air ♪ ♪ Everybody wave your nuts in the air ♪ ♪ Nuts in the air, nuts in the air ♪ ♪ Everybody wave your nuts in the air ♪ ♪ Boy, get off the flight I didn’t want to fight ♪ ♪ Snuck into the end So she wouldn’t use her EpiPen ♪ ♪ I tried to calm her down Examples from around ♪ ♪ Nuts in muffins Nuts in her bread now ♪ ♪ Nuts from on the ground ♪ ♪ Nuts in the pesto Nuts I ingest-oh ♪ ♪ I said, “Hey Don’t she got that thing?” ♪ ♪ Where the hell did my sandwich go? ♪ ♪ Hey, hey ♪ ♪ I swear I just pulled it out Pulled it out ♪ ♪ Yeah, and now It’s in that lady’s mouth ♪ This is a Mike Birbiglia comedy special! Greatest comedian in the world! He didn’t tell me to say that. It’s just a thing I think. He would never say something like that about himself. He’s very humble. Thank God for jokes, motherfuckers. [air horn sounds]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

JIM JEFFERIES: CONTRABAND (2008) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-contraband-2008-full-transcript/

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Art theatre. Can you please go mental for, Jim Jefferies! How you all going? Welcome to the recording of my first ever DVD people, so thank you for coming. Who’s seen me before, give me a yell? All right, who’s never seen me? OK, you do seem like a happier bunch. The show’s called 30, man, it’s basically a whole lot of stories heading up to the age I am now. I just wanted to rip of the 300 poster, so it’s really got nothing to do with fucken nothing, there’s no point for it or anything. I get to travel with this job, actually this is the third day on the tour, 2 days ago, I was in Helsinki, doing a gig, and we had 600 people that came to the fucken gig, but, only because they only going like “are you the man who got punched in the face?” So good to see you. I love that shit. I went to Sweden man. The Swedish people, are the best looking people I have seen in my entire life. I didn’t see one ugly fucker, the whole time I was there. I think they might be killing the ugly people. I’m not saying they’re walking around killing people: they’re doing it from birth. They’ll be like… a woman giving birth, there’ll be a doctor, and an official guy in the corner, right. The doctor pulls the baby out, shows it to the official bloke. He goes: “No” The doctor gets the baby’s head, throws it in the corner, with all the other ugly, dead babies. And it’s such a rational breed, I don’t even think the woman would be upset. I think she would just be going “was it ugly, was it?” “Thank you for saving me from the shame” “It’s my own fault, I shouldn’t have had sex with a Scottish man.” Hello, to the balcony people. I can’t see you, I just wanted to know, if there was people up there. I’ll tell you a bit about my family, my 15 year old cousin, has recently become pregnant. And, I’m only offended by this, as a taxpayer. I think if you can’t afford it, cut the fucken thing out, but, its not my problem, my honey, has to take care of it, yeah. She’s going to fucken keep it. 15 man, she’s going to fucken keep the thing. I went to a rough school, right. I was 14, 15, 16, no one was fucking at my school. Nobody, not even the cool kids, were fucking, We where happy, with fingering. Bring that back. I could finger a girl in February, that would keep me going till fucken August. These kids today, all fuck each other, they get fucken knocked up. They get sex education. I never had any sex education, I didn’t even have a sister. These kids, get sex education, on a Monday or a Wednesday, or whenever they have it. They’re all fucking each other, they’re all getting pregnant. I think, too much information. I think we should fuck sex education off completely, and just start showing these kids pornography, from a very young age. At least that way the boys will know, to come on the girls faces. I’m trying to make a difference here people. My fucken my grandmother died I think what.. last July, or something like that. She was 92, she was meant to fucken die, you know. I’d be more surprised, if she did a motocross rally, or something like that. Towards the end, she just… she had like four strokes, and she had dementia, she was just a head in a chair, really. And, she had dementia, and as I like to call it, honesty. Just old people, telling the truth. They go: “I’ve been walking this planet, for 92 years, I’m sick of lying to cunts.” “She’s taken my money. That’s not my son.” And she was meant to die, like two years ago. She kept on getting strokes, and my mom going: “She’s got two days to live.” So she goes: “you better ring, your grandmother, she’s going to die any minute.” I ring her up: “how you grandma, how are you?” And she: “not to good” “I heard that, I hear you’re not doing well. Look grandma, I’m going to miss you, I love you, I’m sorry you’re dying.” And she went, “I love you too Jim.” And, then I cried, and thought well, that’s that. I put the phone down, and went back to the Playstation. And then, two years on, she wasn’t dead. What do you do? Do you call back, what’s the protocol? You go, good for you, I didn’t think you had it fucken in you. Every Time, she’s going to die my fathers lives in fucken Sydney, and my grandmothers in Queensland, and he would go up to bury his mom. But, because, with her not dying, he would go up there, and every time would have to take time off work, and all that. Every time he would come back, I would ring him up and go: “Did grandma die?” And he would go: “No.” And I would go: “better luck next time.” She’s got like 12 grandkids, and we’ve all got the same inheritance. We all got a 100 bucks, that’s Australian, a 100 dollars Australian. That’s fucken 38 quid, right? That’s not even enough for two lap dances, that, right? How is her spirit meant to move on? And, those people, can fucken hang on, forever and ever. Because they’re worried about the afterlife. She wasn’t going to fucken die. That’s the same reason, the old Pope.. not the Natzi we got now, the one before that, he wouldn’t… remember the one that was curved like a banana? He wouldn’t die, because he was religious, and evil. Everytime there was like a pedofile, in the catholic church he would just move them to a different church. So they were like: “Gods not watching, you’re OK” Now, it’s all gone a bit weird, because I mentioned pedophelia. Don’t think, that I don’t know, that pedophilia is a very awkward subject to bring up, at a comedy gig, at the five minute mark of the show. But let’s have a go. I’ve had some personal… I was molested by a scoutmaster, when I was young. This is true, he never touched me, or penetrated me, he used to put me in a corner and masturbate on me, but still not a great day. I find pedophilia to be a very… its a very awkward you see, in society, there’s certain pedophiles that we condemn, and then there’s other pedophile that when they do.. we don’t even notice, they just put it under the carpet, and go, “I don’t talk about that.” Okay, does everyone know, that, Elvis Presley was a pedophile? Right, there’s no debating this. Elvis Presley, had Priscilla Presley, move into his house at 14 years of age, where upon he fucked her. Then, married her at 16 or, 17, or something like that. So, Elvis was a pedophile. You happy with that? Right. Charlie Chaplin, was a pedophile, he fucked 13 year olds, 14 year olds, 15 year old girls. Yet, there’s a statue, in the middle of Leicester Square of Charlie Chaplin, where you can have your photograph taken with the pedophile. But, we forgive them, because they’re the best in their field. There’s never going to be another king of Rock ‘n Roll, and I promise you, there will never be a better silent movie star. At what point, do we as a society go, but they were good. What I’m trying to say is: How talented do you have to be to fuck a kid? Gary Glitter (English glam rock singer) Good song, don’t fuck a kid. Back to my grandma. I’ll tell you what she did. When I was … 17 years old, I was in a school musical, as you do when you’re in high school You do plays and stuff like that. I was in a school musical, and I got lead role, and, my grandmother came down from Queensland, to see this musical, and come and stay with us. She way staying in my room, and I was kicked out to the couch. So, she’s there for a little while, and my mom goes: “go sing your grandmother a song” And, I’m like, “you sing her a fucken song, I’m not going..”. “Go sing your grandmother a song” “I’m not going to sing her a song” And, then I heard from the bedroom: “is Jim going to sing me a song?” And, I went, “yes Grandma”. Fucken bitch. So, I walk in there and go, “so what song would you like to hear grandma?” And, she said, “Stormy weather”. And, so I went: “don’t know why, there’s no, sun up, in the sky…” And, my grandmother looked at me, adoringly, as only a grandmother can look at her grandson, singing a song And, I finished the song, and went, “there you go grandma, that’s your song.” And, I went to walk away, my grandmother goes: “ I’ll tell you a story.” And, I’m like “of course”, you’ll tell me a fucken story, you’ve never not told me a story. One day, I’ll get 38 quid, and this will all be worth while. “What’s your story grandma?” She goes, “I used to live in this town, called Gympie, which is a real town in Queensland, and I lived in Gympie, and there was a showroom, and on a Wednesday, they would have local lads, that would come and sing in the cabaret bar, and afterwards, there was a singer, who sang beautifully just like you. Afterwards, I got talking him, and he asked me to go for a drive in his car. He drove me out to the coast, and laid a blanket down. And we made love… under the stars.” Now this is my.. she’s about 84 at this stage, telling her grandson this. And, I’m going “that’s a great story grandma” And she goes, “then, as I was lying there, with the moon glistening, off my naked body… I looked up at him, and said ‘sing me a song’ and, he sang me, “Stormy weather.” That’s why she was looking at me adoringly, she wasn’t thinking of her grandson singing a song, she was thinking of Johnny fucken showtime, fucking her on the beach. I made this woman wet, for the first time in 40 old years. So, we’re all drinking tonight I hope, it’s fucken Saturday, you got to get pissed. It’s good for you I don’t like people who don’t drink. Don’t trust them, I haven’t got friends who don’t drink. I would stop being a friend, if you stop drinking, because, anyone who doesn’t drink, is a boring cunt. If you’re a non drinker, your stories fucken suck. All your stories end the same way with: “and then I got home”, right? No one gives a shit that you’ve been promoted at work. No one gives a fuck, that your kids don’t have bruises, you’re a boring dick. Have you ever asked a non drinker, why they don’t drink? They give you the same stupid answer, every fucken time. You go: “why don’t you drink?” And they: “I don’t like the taste of it.” Nobody does! No one likes the taste of it, we drink because we have to, because life is a miserable piece of shit! No one has ever had a shot of tequila and gone: “Ooh… that’s lovely… next time I’ll have that instead of dessert!” I told you, life’s shit man, and it’s all over soon. Like my grandmother said, she was worried about what was going to happen afterwards. As an atheist, I don’t give a fuck about dying, I’m looking forward to it. I don’t believe in heaven, I don’t believe in hell, I’ll just rot in the fucken ground. I don’t even want the option of heaven. I don’t want to exist in a continence state, for the rest of eternity, constantly thinking I don’t like thinking as it is. Where’s my passport?, can’t punch woman in the street! The Bible calls heaven, eternal bliss, I don’t care how blissful it is, its eternal, you’ll get used to it, then you’ll get fucken bored. And, what’s hell meant to be like, fire, and brimstone, eternal agony, that’s what’s written in the Bible. That’s God’s book, as far as I know, the devil hasn’t brought out a book. We don’t know his side of the argument, right? If you ask me, the Devil and God are having an argument, the Devils being a bigger fucken man, because Gods just writing shit about him, and the Devil’s going, “I’m not even going to fuck comment son.” You don’t want to live forever in a consciousness… don’t want eternal life, life is shit. If you don’t think it is disappointing, right I’ll do this … I’ll do this … give me a camera, straight on my face. Everybody do this in the room here, and if you’re watching at home: look at the person next to you, that you love more than anyone in the world and know that sooner or later, one of you will be dead, and the other one will be miserable. Just something to think about. I told you, the only reason you people are here, is because you want me to make you laugh for a fucken hour, because when you go back to work on Monday, your lives going to be shit. And then, you’ll be dead, and, what’s going to happen when you die, you go to heaven, you see a big bright light, you walk towards the light, what’s at the end of the light? All your dead relatives. Well… Whoop-di-fucken-doo! Have you ever spent a weekend at your grandparents house? It’s fucken shit. I’ll be up there for an hour, I wish all my friends would die. You’ll be up there meeting everyone, “Hello Nanna. How are you granddad. Hello, uncle who used to touch me.. how did you get up here?” “Oh, that’s right, you used to work for the church.” Well, that got a very mixed response. That’s how we think about this. I know I’ve been picking on the Christians, the Catholics, or whatever they fucken call themselves. If you’re religious, you’re a fucken idiot, right? Point blank, the guy in the cloud, and all that, you’re fucken morons. Read a science book, watch a Richard Dawkins documentary, you dumb fucken cunt. There’s no way creation.. what they just.. Adam and Eve fucked each other and we’re all.. fuck off you, idiot. There was a big ark, with two animals. How did fucken slugs get there in two days? How did they get there, they came from the four corners of the earth, these fucken slow moving animals, never would have fucken made it. How where the polar bears, mixing up with the fucken, gorillas, and shit. Now, please do not think, I am just picking on the Christians. I think all religious people are ridiculous. So, let’s have a go at all of them, shall we? Jews, what’s all that about? What’s with the curly sideburns? Where is the part where it says: “thou shalt love me, thou shalt look like a dick”? Buddha, you fat cunt, why would I follow you, you look like you can’t take care of yourself? Then, there’s our Muslim friends, the fucken Musies are mental. Thank fuck the Musies don’t drink, because they’de be out of control, if they fucken did. They just aren’t a tolerant bunch, the Mussies, covering womans faces, and cutting cliterous’s off, isn’t just a bit of culture. It’s horrible, it’s fucken horrible. You can’t.. remember the little teddy bear, that was called Mohammed? That lady didn’t deserve to be.. they wanted to kill her, and lash her, in a fucken square, for calling a teddy bear, Mohammed. Now, if there’s any Muslim fundamentalists, in the room .. you see this microphone, I’m calling it Mohammed, right? And its fucken gay, it’s a gay microphone, called Mohammed, and all it wants to do is, roll the cord up, and fuck itself up the ass! Now, that joke has limited some of my holiday destinations. If you can’t drink there, it’s not really a fucken holiday, is it? Fucken coming out, fucken drinking.. Look at you people, you’re out here, and they’ve given us all plastic cups, like we’re fucken kids, and you have to spend 3,5 pounds, for pint, and they serve it to you in plastic. But, let’s be honest, you British people, aren’t responsible enough for glass, are you? You know what will happen, if one of you get glass, one of you gets angry, don’t you? One of you will smash the glass one the bar, shove a shard of glass into someone else’s face. You’re the only nation of people, that use glass as a verb. Fuck, you come out, go to a nightclub, get pissed, you go to the toilet, you go to wash your hands, but you’re not allowed to wash your hands, why not? Because, there’s a fucken toilet attendant there. A guy, with a metal tray, with a whole lot of pound coins in it, a few bits of fucken perfume, a couple of chober chops, and a bit of chewing gum. And, he’s ready with the soap. I fucken hate those cunts. I’m not going to give you pound mate, I’ve washed my hands before, I’m fucken good at it. It’s one of my skills, It’s one of my skills, I’m not the most hygienic guy in the world, anyway, I was just sniffing coca off a toilet seat, for fuck sake. Have you ever walked out of there, and not washed your hands? They look at you, like you’re scum. I’m scum, you work in a fucken toilet, mate! Tell you a story, I was out in South Africa, doing some gigs. I was out there, with a gay comedian, and he took me to this gay club, in South Africa, and we took two ecstasy tablets each. His up on the dancefloor, trying to get some dick, and, I’m standing at the bar, chatting to a couple of lads, I’ve never met before, and one of them goes: “you’re wasted aren’t you?” And, I went: “yeh” And he goes, “do you want to come to the bathroom with me?” Now, as a drug taker, I think he’s offering me a line of coke. So, I went “would I?” Not only did I do that, I put my arm around him, and dragged him off to the toilet, and went: “this is going to be fucken awesome, man” I went into the cubical first, and wiped the seat down, then I leant out, and beckoned him in. Now, I don’t know about all the men in the room, but I know these days when I get my old fella sucked off, he takes a little while to stand to attention, but he must have really liked me, because he walked in with what I can only describe as, a great big, black cock. I shut the door to the cubicle, there are now three people in the cubicle: me, him and the great big black cock. Just to give you dimensions of the man, he’s this tall, his this wide, the cocks erect, it’s poking into my stomach. I look up at him, and I go… “I thought we were going to so some coke.” And he went, “Do you want some coke first?” “I only want coke… but I can see how with your accent, you may have mistaken that for cock.” Now, I’d like to say that something funny happened after that … all that happened was, I told him I wasn’t gay, he apologised, he went out, and he bought me a drink. But, for the sake of comedy, he raped me. I’m going to talk to you a bit, about my dad. My dad’s a weird cat, all right, good guy but his not … My parents made me get a job, when I was like, fucken 12, doing the paper rounds, because there was no mines in Sydney. I had to go around the suburbs, and deliver papers, and at the end of the day, I had to go to the news agency, and empty all the bins out, at the back of the news agency into a metal skip. It was a fucken cunt of a job, but the only good thing about it was at the end of the month, they used to throw away, all the magazines they hadn’t sold. Mountains of porn! I would collect these porn magazines up, and fill my backpack up, go home, take the porn mags to school, sell them off for a five a magazine I was making more off my porn empire, than I ever did, out on the paper route. I had a draw under my bed, that was four foot by two foot, which I packed full of porn. One day I come home, my room’s been cleaned, it’s fucken spotless. First thing I do, I run to the porn draw, I open it up. Empty. Go out to the living room, now my mom out there, sitting in her chair. Now, did anyone have a parent who had their own chair? They were the cunty parent, they were never the nice parent. If you are a parent out there, and you have your own chair, you’re a fucken Nazi dick. Stop being such a fascist, go sit somewhere else, you don’t control the world. So, my mom looks at me, and she goes, “I cleaned your room.” And I went, “yeah, yeah, thanks for that mom.” But then, she never mentioned anything. A week later, I’m out in my dad’s shed, and I’m hammering a nail into the bench, for no apparent reason, but he’s a carpenter, you put a nail into a bench, he puts a table up there or something, and then it will fucken finish. Just bring a dick … Under the bench, I saw all my porn magazines, but they’re all wet and bent, with lettuce leaves on them, and stuff like that. What’s happened is, my mom’s cleaned my room out, she’s thrown all my porn magazines out in the wheelie bin, my dad has to take the wheelie bin to the end of the driveway, on a fucken Wednesday, he’s opened it up, gone “Oh, hello, collected it all up” he’s gone off to his shed, and wanked himself stupid. So, I thought, fuck that old cunt, so I collect them all back, take them back to the drawer, where they belong, and the circle of life continues. Now, a few days later, I’m out in the living room, and my old man walks out and goes: “You been out in my shed?” And I went, “Yeah” “You’re not allowed those magazines.” “Neither are you.” “Can I have four?” To this day, if you go out to my fucken parents house, man, they have four porn magazines, out in there. Quality, early 90s material. When I was at the end of the festival, not this festival, the festival before. I was having a wank, I felt like a lumpy, fleshy, thing on my cock, and it wasn’t a wart, or a cyst or anything I’d had previously. I went to the doctor, and the doctor sort of looked at it and went… Another doctor, and the two of them looked at it, and just… “I don’t fucken have any idea.” So, they send me off to a specialist, the specialist puts my genitals into like a clamping machine, and it turns out that I have a tumor, growing out the side of my penis. Now, I go to the doctor: “do many people die from this?” And his like: “No…most people detect it pretty quick, they don’t leave it to chance.” No, I just said, “no one dies from this, it’s very rare, and … I’m not famous, but I’m on television a bit, I might be the most famous person ever to have this condition. Which means, I’ll have to become a spokesperson. I’ll be doing adverts going… ‘hi, I’m Jim Jefferies, I’m a comedian, you know what’s not a laughing matter? Dick cancer Do you know that two people die from dick cancer a year? This must be stopped. There are many ways to detect dick cancer: Wanking, that’s it, really… please buy a ribbon.” Now, while I was out, at the end of the festival, I was with a girl for three years, I never cheated on her, but I did cheat on her twice at the end of the festival, because, it’s a festival. When I went to the doctor, I was worried that it was a sexually transmitted diseases I think, I was the first person ever to high five a doctor when he says you’ve got cancer. I was fucken well up for that! I was like, cancer, fucken yeah! If you come home with herpes, she’ll kick you out of the fucken house, you come home with dick cancer, she’ll make you a fucken cake or something real nice. God bless her, I loved her to bits, we’re broken up now, I can say this, she wasn’t bright, she was a thick girl. She would not have sex with me, until the tumor was removed, because she was worried it was contagious. I’m like “it’s not contagious, it’s fucken cancer. Let’s just enjoy the width, while we have it.” You girls know I’m right, you haven’t had sex, until you’ve had tumour sex. It’s not contagious, it’s not like we got it from a tit wank from Kylie Minogue. Yes, look, I understand that, that joke is wrong on many levels. The main level being, that Kylie’s tits aren’t big enough for a tit wank. Even with a lump, they couldn’t have gotten that much bigger. Don’t be upset with me, I’m a cancer patient. So, anyway, I go into the surgery to get it taken out. They lay me down on the table, they put like a metal frame up, with a curtain, and the doctor puts a needle into my dick, and there’s a nurse, and her sole job is to take the blood away from the sliced up cock. There’s another nurse, and her sole job, is to hold my hand, whilst my cock is being sliced up, and to distract me, from the mutilation. She’s holding my hand, and she looks at me, and she goes: “so… I hear you’re a comedian?” And I went, “yeah, I’m a comedian.” “Why don’t you tell us all a joke?” “Why don’t you fuck off.” And then, they put like six stitches into my cock, these aren’t the big ones they use in your head, or your arm, these are tiny, fine, small ones that they use on babies arms, and … the doctor tells me, not to get an erection for three weeks. I was fucken moody. I wasn’t a good kind of .. At the end of three weeks, I was ready for my comeback wank. I hadn’t even touched my cock, I tried not to think about my cock, my balls had never been so full in my entire life. In fact, the stitches dissolved, and I told my girlfriend, they where still not dissolved, so I could have a wank, before I fucked her. I put some porn on and I got some lube. Now, ordinarily, I’m not that fancy, I’m more of a dry hand sort of guy, but I thought, it’s been a while Jim, treat yourself. So, I moved up my cock, and I’m talking five pumps maximum, just … and out of my cock, came this thick gelatine come. It was like it was trying to make a baby, without the womb, and I looked at it, and I swear to god, it fucken looked back at me! So I shook its hand. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got to say about dick cancer, except, don’t you think that dick cancer sounds like a war correspondent? Like a guy from the news that you really trust? That’s just me… I’ve done things, fucken out in Baghdad, and Iraq. I’ve been out there, it’s fucken mental… When you go out there, you realise that the other team, don’t really know they’re involved, like all the other old boys. You can say what you want about the Nazi’s, but they always looked good, you could always pick them out of a crowd. This enemy, the Taliban, they don’t have an outfit…. I was there on the first day… well the first day I was there, I was in a helicopter, flying over the top of Baghdad, with my helmet on, and bulletproof vest, thinking I was cool as fuck. The helicopters windows open, there’s this guy with a gun, sort of scouring the ground. I look out, I see there’s this little bloke with an handgun, shooting up at the helicopter and I fucken freak out, I’m like: “oh fuck, fuck, we’re being fired at!” and the gunman says: “don’t worry about it, we’re too high up, those bullets can’t reach us.” And then he went, “Hey! Look at this” And the little cunt died. I was like… “I was just saying” I don’t want to upset anyone… Fucken mental man, I get so desensitized about terrorism now, I don’t even care anymore. The first big one, remember, when the planes hit the buildings, I can’t remember what date it was, but fuck… Every terrorist attack since then, I … just fucken, whatever… The one in Glasgow, where the guy was in flames, and he drove his flaming car into the airport. The first thing that went through my brain when I saw that was: “Ah, you fucken cunt! Now I’m going to have to put my toiletries in a plastic bag!” Take my shoes off, you’re wasting my time. Fuck, my brother‘s a mental case, he’s been mental for our whole childhood, he can’t help himself. He’s older than me, but his just fucken, wide wrong, something in his head…. I’m going to tell you something. I’ve never told this on stage before, it probably won’t get on the DVD, but, this is just something funny: Me, and my brothers, were talking. Whenever, my mother (my mother’s a great big fat woman, still is … 18,19 stone or something) She used to always get us to go out, and get the washing off the line. And she’d be in the kitchen going: “go get the washing off the line, make sure you fold everything.” And yelling at us, while we’re doing this. When I was about 10, and Scott was about 14, and we used to go out there, whenever we got her underwear of the line, we would get on either end of it, and fold it like a flag. If that’s not funny, nothing is…. So, one time, me and my brother at home, just the two of us, and he’s about 16, I’m about 12, and my mom and dad are out of the house. My brother Scott, his on the couch, and he looks at me and goes, “Jim, get me a coke.” And I went, “ get your own fucken coke, I’m not going to get you a coke.” And he went, “get me a coke, or I’ll piss on the carpet.” “Piss on the carpet you mad cunt, I’m not going to get you a fucken coke.” “Get me a coke, or I piss on the carpet” “I’m not going to get you a coke.” So, my brother stood up, walked to the middle of living room, which is a longer distance, than getting himself a fucken coke, pulled out his cock, and started pissing on the carpet. But, he’s looking at me going: “you really should have got me a coke, why wouldn’t you get me a coke?” Does his fly up, goes back to the couch, doesn’t get himself a coke. I just fucken left the pile of urine there, my mom comes home, she’s fucken furious, this big pile of urine. She goes, “Who did this!?” “Who did this!?” And I went, “Scott did it.” She looked at Scott, and goes: What did you do that for?” He goes: “I told Jim to get me a coke, or I’ll piss on the carpet.” And my mom turns to me, and goes.. “Why didn’t you get him a coke? You know his fucking mental.” I’ll tell you another brother’s story, this one’s a bit sad. When me and my brother were young, my dad was doing this thing where .. you know when you’re being taken to the dumpyard, the tip, or something like that. When you were a little kid, that was better than going to a football match. That was just like, the best day ever, because you never knew what you were going to find at the junkyard, now did you? You’d just be there, standing on a pile of shit, going: “Dad! You have to see this, we’ve got to take it with us, it’s a fridge, it’s only missing a door.” So, we’re loading up all this stuff from our garage, emptying our boxes and what not. My brother… I’m about 9 … no, I’m about 5, my brothers about 9, my brother pulls a vibrator out of a box, just like this, and my dad, does the fucken dad, when they’re nervous walk He goes, “Hey, what you got there?” then dad goes, “Oh, I’ll take that off you.” As soon as we see that little walk, we know that’s something fucken important. And, we’re just going, “Dad, was is that? I have to fucken know what that is. I have to fucken know. Dad! What is is? Dad!” And Dad, sees his two sons, and sort of smiles right into himself, and goes: “ Ah, it’s a massager.” Dad turns it on, and goes:: “Oh, that’s lovely, oh.” And he goes, “Well turn that off, we’ll put that back in the box, and put that box, way back, up there. Won’t look at that again.” Okay, about a few days later, my brother walks into my rooms, and goes : “Jim. Garage.” And, we go to the garage, we pile all these boxes up, we get the vibrator out. It’s about 40 degrees heat. My brother looks at me and goes: “Now, you massage my back, and I’ll massage your back.” Now, this is a standard old brother trick, older brothers do this, you push me on the swing, I’ll push you on the swing, and what happens is, you push them on the swings for like ten minutes, and then, they push you, for like a minute, tell you it was ten minutes and say, you’re retarded, and you can’t read the time. We both take our shirts off, now we are just in underwear, in the garage, in the dark, with a vibrator. Then I start massaging my brothers back and he’s giving it these ones and then it’s my turn, I get in front. My brother holds the vibrator up, he turns it on, and then he drops it on the ground, and goes “You have to put it back on the top shelf!” and fucks off. Now, I’m five years old, what do I do? I cry. I pick the vibrator up, in the darkness, and I just go.. That’s when my dad comes in to see his five year old son, massaging his back, with a vibrator, and, while crying. He comes up, and he goes : “Has Scotty fucked you over again, mate?” And I went “Yeah.” He goes, “give it here. He holds it up, and he goes : you see this, do not play with this, this is dads.” Now, that sentence has haunted me. Not that this is mom and dads, this is dads. That raises questions, I never want answered. Such questions as, why the fuck was it in the garage? Why the fuck did my dads mates never come into the house? I was happy with it being in my mom, but I… It’s more disturbing that story, than you know. A lot of people find me offensive, and the reason for that is, there’s a lot of spastics out there. The people who take offense, are not the spastics, it’s the people who know spastics, it’s the people who are friends with spastics. If you’re such a good friend, then whey didn’t you bring them out tonight, you fucken cunt? Furthermore, a few years ago, I did three gigs for Scope. They said, “Jim, we like you, we have benefits.” I said, “Are you sure you want me?” And they : “you’re the only comedian to make jokes about us, whilst we’re in the room.” So anyone who’s offended, you can go get fucked, I’m spaz approved. In fact, in their reviews, they gave me four oo’s. Which … Now, as I’ve said before, if your friends with these people, why don’t you bring them out? You always get some bleeding heart, coming up to you after a gig going, “Do you know my best friend is a sp… Well, a spastic. Then you’re like, “where the fuck are they?” bitch, fuck you. I used to work as a disabled carer, before I became a comedian. It was a good job, you felt good about yourself at the end of the day. I saw some heartwarming things, I saw some fucken miserable things, but I saw some things that made me feel good. I got fired, for racing them. It sounds a lot worse than it is, you say “racing retards”, that’s offensive, call it paralympics, good will. Anyway, I’m going to tell you a good story that came from there, something not nice. I think this story is inspiring, you might not agree with me, I took these two lads down to the beach, with cerebral palsy, not with the power of .. it’s not like they’re magical. You’d assume they have some, but I think the only magic abilities are dwarfs. Midgets aren’t magical, they’re just freakish little people. Don’t worry about that joke, it goes over the midgets heads. It doesn’t go over the dwarfs heads, people underestimate how big their foreheads are. Just smacks them in the fourteenth wrinkle. Anyway, I took these two lads down to the beach, with cerebral palsy, and we wheel them down to the beach, and there’s a beautiful moment, when you’re at the beach, and you’re just looking at the water and the sand, you’re eating an ice cream, and you go: “how long do we stay here for? What’s the appropriate amount of time? It’s not like they’re going to go swimming” In Australia, you can sun bath topless, so there’s a lot of topless woman walking around, and you’re not meant to look at topless woman when they’re on the beach. If one woman in this room was topless right now, there would be no gig, the show would be over, the room would be freaking out. But, on the beach, if the girl’s topless, you are meant to just act like this is normal, and not look, or poke. So… Anyway, the two lads … this girl walks by, with tremendous tits. Now, one of the lads, with no muscle memory whatsoever, he’s all Hawkined up, and… a pair of tits walk by, and I swear to God, he fucken locked on, like a solid fucken: he did not fucken deviate, as she went by. I was thinking, is this some type of therapy, that they’ve never offered these people. Anyway, so I start thinking, as an able bodied person, I can’t stare at tits, because someone will punch me in the head. But, I think: fuck it, I’m going to start staring at tits, who’s going to punch me in the head? I’m the nicest guy in the world, I’m with two spastics. So, I start staring at tits, then this big, fat arsed woman walks by, with just bikini bottoms on, with her tits hanging out, walks by. One of the lads, turns to the other one, and over the course of five minutes, but I’ll speed it up for you … goes: there’s one for you mate. It’s a lovely joke, it’s a joke that we have all enjoyed, everyone has done that joke with their friend, gone: “that’s your wife, that is” and we’ve all had a good laugh. It’s not a great joke, but, you know what I found heartwarming, and inspiring, about that? This guy, can’t wipe his own arse, yet he’s to good for the fat chick. The human spirit my friend. Now, who’s watched me getting punched, on the internet? It’s a lot of fun I will now endeavor to tell you the actual story, of why this happened. A lot of people have written to me in the past, if it had really happened to me, or if it was fake, it was completely real. What happened was, I was in a comedy club in Manchester, “The Comedy Store” it was about 450 people. There was a woman up on the balcony, that kept heckling, and heckling…. and I put it down, I put it down…. And, then eventually I went: “I’m going to leave you alone now, like you’re dad did.” And then I went: “it’s a shame your grandfather, never did.” I know, funny, right? Anyway, there was a guy on this side of the room, who I assumed had some issues with his grandfather and he took some umbrage on what I said, and decided, he was going to punch me in the head. But he was an Irish bloke, so he had a full drink. So, he waited until he finished his drink, and then punched me in the head. But, he never yelled anything out, he just put his drink down calmly, and went “well, all right, I’m going to fucken smack him.” Now, when he hit me, I was in the middle of my cunt material, so for me, this was a very odd moment, for a man to punch me in the head. Now, I’m going to do the cunt jokes for you now, so you know the mindset I was in, when this happened. Starting like this: women to me are like public toilets, they’re all dirty, except the disabled ones. Every single man in this room will admit to being a bad shag, from time to time, whether it be through, alcohol, fatigue, or just not giving a shit. There’s no woman in this room who thinks they’re bad in bed, and you want to know what, most of you fucken are. The reason you don’t know this, is because no man’s ever told you this, because is we tell you, you’ll run off and cry, because your spirits are weak. Just because I come, doesn’t mean you’re doing a good job. I’m going to come anyway, sometimes I come, so you stop whatever the fuck you’re doing down there, with your nails, and your teeth, just put it in your mouth, and be a fucken man about it. I’ve been down on women, I made them cum and then you get that one woman, she’s not coming. She looks at you like it’s your fault. It’s not my fault, your cunt’s broken. When I was at university, I fucked a chick, and all her friends walked past me and did that, and woman think that’s the funniest joke in the world. Well, that’s not funny, that’s hurtful. Next time you think about doing that, imagine you fuck a guy, and all of his mates walk past you, and go… you’d never do that again, and you think by doing something like this, you’re teaching me something I don’t already fucken know? I’m well aware I’ve got a small dick, I’ve measured it I know how big my dick is to the millimeter, but, does any woman in this room, truly know the size of their cunt? None of you, and none of you will ever know for sure, because no man’s going to tell you, because we’re good people. I know what you’re thinking, “He’s not talking about my cunt, because it gets a bit sore during sex.” That means fuck all, I’ve been down on a woman for 20 minutes, it’s wide open, it’s flowing like the Murray river, I put the tip of my cock in, they go: “gentle, gentle gentle”, “I could shove my fucken head in that!” Sometimes, fat chicks have really tight cunts, that’s a bloody mystery, hey? I think it’s because all the fat’s pushing in inwards, or when you’re fucking them, your rubbing up against thighs, and never actually reach the cunt. That’s why doctors say, fat woman need to lose weight to get pregnant. And that’s when I got punched in the head. Drop it down, start the film. What’s happening? There we go. “I think it’s because, the fats pushing it inwards Pause! Now, as you may have already realised, I’m a great fighter You may not have seen, the subtleties, of what went on there. First bunch, I blocked with my face, then I went into my crouching ninja position, allowing him to punch me in the back of the head, which is the hardest part of the human body, hurting his hand. Now, let’s tell about all the characters that are on stage at the moment the man on the ground, bent over … that’s me. I’m cowering. The one standing over me, is the man hitting me. The other man, he’s in security, he’s a punter, just like you people, who came to my aid, and I will love this man till the day I die, but not because he helped me, because, if you look in his hand, he’s still carrying his pint. He, at no stage thought he couldn’t have a fight, and drink! Now, let’s play a little bit more footage please. Stop! We have some new characters. I have already left this scene. I have walked off to the door over there, where I have entered back into the dressing room, with a black eye, where upon the other comedians are going: “How did it go?” And I went, “It could have gone better.” Now, the new people that had arrived, we have a new skinny man, who’s throwing punches, there’s a man in a black suite over there, who is the actual security, and the other lads, are just punters, who are up for a fight. It’s Manchester. Now, see the guy on the left there, he’s brilliant, because in a moment, security is going to hold the man who assaulted me and go “all right, we’ve got it all under control.” And he’s going to go: “but I’ve got a clear shot.” And, the security guys is going to go: “yeah mate, we’ve got it under control.” And, he’s going to go: “Ah, come on.” And, the security guy goes: “go on then.” Alright, so keep you eyes on him, the man on the left, both of them “I think ladies and gentleman, I think, hang on. Alright, alright, ladies and gentleman. Ladies and gentlemen, the wanker’s gone, alright.” Pause. Now, this is a security footage, so it’s very grainy and whatever, so I got given this copy of the tape, from the “Comedy Store”, after it happened. …there’s comedians having a party in one of the houses, there’s like 20 comedians there, and I come back with this bit of gold. You know, “you have to see, how fucken shit my gig was.” We put it on the player, and we all watch it, and when Tim Clark comes out and goes: “Ladies and Gentleman, the wanker’s gone”, all the comics said, in unison “but he’s coming back out” Now, I do come back out, I’m about to come back out, to a standing ovation. Now, it wasn’t that good of a gig to begin with, but what you’re really going to see, is that when I come out, some of the worst high fiving you’ve ever seen. I’m talking, I’m missing hands, I’m grabbing like… I’m not a cool guy, I just don’t have cool in me, The other day, someone game me one of them, and I grabbed their fist. I went “Hello” You’ll know what I’m talking about in a second. Play the tape. “all right, all right, that’s not going to help, really. Jim’s going to come back, and finish his set for you. So, if you don’t like it, you can go, but if you enjoyed Jim, stay, because he’s going to do another five minutes. So please .. Ladies and gentleman, to finish off, welcome back: Jim Jefferies!” Pause. It’s a weird thing, I can watch myself get punched in the head, over and over again, and I’m completely fine with it, but this … now that’s embarrassing. Now, if you watched this footage on YouTube, or whatever webpage you’ve look at it, there will be a little clip in the tape, where I will be all witty: “why did that guy come up here?”, I’ll say some funny things. That’s not what actually happened. The man who hit me, was obviously Irish, because he was yelling at me, like he was from the I.R.A. (Irish Republican Army) He kept hitting me, and when I came out, I may have said very, bigoted things about the Irish. Which I regret saying, but as a live show, I feel I should be honest with you, so you can see the exact footage, of what I said exactly. Now, I wasn’t racist, because Irish people .. it’s not a race, I was just being a bigoted cunt. You’ll understand, I’m not proud of this, but play the tape. Fucking Irish people, hey! Irish people, have to think they have the best fucking, sense of humor, in the fucking world. They think they’re so fucking delightful, don’t they? Look at me, I’m dancing just with my legs. It’s a heap of fucking shit, you Paddy cunt! You go home with them, it’s “Have a drink…. You’re in Ireland. We all fucken drink in Ireland. Have a drink…!” Just drive the bus, you fat prick! In the morning, I’ve been drinking, I’ve got a fucken headache. “You’ve got bigger boobs than me, you fat prick. !” Pause. We may have edited out that bit, as well. Not everyone, was happy to see me, come back out on the stage. Some people believe me to have, big tits, fat prick. Now, we’re not going to play the rest of the tape now, if you watch the DVD it will be on the extra features. Take my top off? See the thing is, ordinarily, I would have a witty answer, but I have recently lost some weight, so I’m not ashamed to do so. Really, is this where you’ve come? Is this how far, we’ve traveled together? You wanted to.. the street fellows, is 20 metres from here! You want to see a fat, pale Australian? Well, who am I to tell you, you can’t? That’s the biggest cheer, you’ve given me all night! I have played with my father’s vibrator… I have sucked a black cock in a toilet… I have been molested, for you people, and all you want it my skin and all you want it my skin. Well, that’s what you’re going to get… We’re wrapping up up right now, we’re going to be of here in a second. Last night, on a Friday, the room was all men, it was a great crowd last night, you’ve been good, but, they where fucken good. It was all men, angry young men, it was like testosterone city. And now, it’s couples night, it’s Saturday. On Friday, you go with the guys from work, on Saturday, you take your bird out. Obviously, she gets to choose the movie next time. I don’t imagine, that I’m some birds choice, and some guy go ”got to see Jim Jefferies, say cunt.” “As long as we can still watch, Steel Magnolias.” All I’m saying is, yesterday’s crowd, didn’t go, “Whoo..” All right, Brad, how long have we got, five minutes? Oh, we can do a bit more? All right, we don’t want to piss anyone off. Okay, does anyone know, Eddie Izzard, is on the stage, straight after me, so we can get into a bit of trouble if we run over, because, I don’t want to have the fuck beaten out of me, by a 50 year old man, in a dress. I don’t think he wears a dress anymore… I’m going to see him there in the stairs going up, he’s probably standing there. “Bit of a laugh” All right, ok, I’m going to… should we do the single version… Okay, I’ve got to get this on tape, and you’ve probably all seen it a billion times, but I’ve got to do the egg story, ok? This is what happened yesterday, we did the… ah, I fucken undid my belt… this is what happened yesterday, we did the egg story, and it was like a rock concert, everyone was singing alone. Lets try to do it, just properly… If you know the punch lines, please do not yell them out in unison, but if you really want to, I don’t care. A couple of years ago, I was performing at the Amsterdam, Hilton, now in the basement, they have a comedy club, and I was there for two weeks. I had two days off, in my two weeks, and I found on the outskirts of Amsterdam, there’s a great big place, called the Porn Warehouse. Which is like a great, big arae dump. So, on my day off, I thought, fuck Anne Frank’s place, and I went out to the Porn Warehouse, and when I go shopping in Amsterdam, I take a little, plastic basket, with me, at Porn Warehouse, I took a trolley. It still had the kids seat, which I thought was weird. Now, I’m loading my trolley, with every bit of porn and paraphernalia I can get. I get up, towards the till, and there’s a massive wall, covered in dildos. Now, if you’re with your mates, what would you do? Sword fight! But, I was by myself, so the most I could muster, was a scene from Star Wars, with the thing. Anyway, there’s a small wall, but just as impressive, covered in, rubber vibrating vaginas. Now, whenever you’re with your mates, and you see one of those, you go: “who the fuck would use on of those, hey?” But, there’s always a bit of your brain that says, wouldn’t mind trying that, just once. So, I got myself, a Jenna Jameson, rubber, vibrating vagina. On the side of the box, it said “vibrates so, as to give realistic sensation” Realistic, if you’re fuckign a chick with parkinsons, but not realistic. Now, I’m going back to my hotel, I’ve decided, I’m going to have this wank, it’s going to be thee wank, it’s going to be the wank, that when I’ve got dementia, I’m going to be sitting in a nursing home, going “I fucked a rubber cunt!” “I fu-fu-fu-I fucked it!” So I put all my porn magazines, down one side of the bed. I put porn paratalia, got the rubber cunt out, had a vibe, I put…. Hang on, I’m going to fuck it. I put the vibrator and egg in the corner, make sure it’s plugged in, turn it on, and fuck it it felt pretty good, but I couldn’t enjoy myself, because the only thought going through my head, was: “If you die right now, this is how they’re going to tell your mom, they found you” as I’m fucking it, I don’t have a big cock or nothing, but I think the rubber cunt was faulty because the latex and the top just sort of tears, and the egg falls out the end. I’m pretty upset, because, it’s not like I can take it back to the shop, slap it on the counter and go: “Look at that!” “I bought that an hour ago”. “went home and fucked it, ” “now that cunts broken.” Now, I still had a lot of lube, I still had a lot of porn, I still had a vibrating egg, so I did what anyone in this room would do, I lubed that egg up, and shoved it up my arse. It’s now sitting up against a gland, called the prostate gland, and the male G-spot, it felt terrific, it felt so good, that I was thinking… “I’m going to shove a whole lot of things up my arse, as soon as I get back up to England!” I slap my cock a couple of times, and jizzed all over my chest… lube on my cock, an egg hanging out of my arse, broken cunt in the corner. I’ve got to tell you, I’ve looked better. Now, you know that bit of pain that goes through your soul, after you’ve had a wank, and you’ve got a bit of come on your hand, and you go, “what did you do that for? You’re a grown man.” Well, I still had and egg hanging out of my arse. Safe to say, I wanted to kill myself, so I start slapping the porn off the bed, I turn the porn off the television, and go to rip the egg out of my arse, the fucken cord snaps off. Not only does the cord snap off, the two shells of the egg, slightly break apart, and are now pinching against my colon. Now, your first thought is, “don’t worry about this Jim, you can shit this out, but your arsehole knows what shit is, and it knows what plastic egg is, and it dont fucken play cricket, in this experience.” Now, I don’t know if you all know a lot about your colons, nor should you, but they’re made up of several channels, that pump poop through. Now, I’ve lubed up, this finger, and this thumb, and I’ve gone up my arse, after the egg, but every time, I pushed it further, and further….up my colon. It’s now upto channel 5, and we all know how shit that is. My next thought, was to go get a whole lot of high fiber food, and make my pooh really solid, and push it out with the pressure. Very similar to how, Augustus Gloop, got stuck in the chocolate tube, in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. working with a Wonka method at the time, with an Umpalumpa with a punjion. Now, we have to get going, so let’s just jump forward, to day number 3. I decided, if it was up my arse for another day, I was going to go to hospital. My biggest fear is, going to hospital in a foreign country, with my accent, and going : “you’ll never guess, what’s happened to me, mate.” But being in Holland, there’s a good chance he will go: “You’ve got an egg up your arse.” “Go join the que with the other Australians.” On day number three, I had a Chinese dinner, and I kept my chop sticks I’ve gotten back to the hotel, I’ve bent over, at this moment, I thought to myself: “You probably should have gone, to the Anne Frank museum.” I put one chopstick, on top of the egg, in a crowbarring fashion, the other chopstick, I used to widen the hole, in one motion, I snapped this egg out of my arse followed by, two feet of shit! It was at this moment, I thought to myself… “Should have done that in the bathroom.” That’s it, we’ve got to get out of here, ok… well thank you very much for coming, ladies and gentlemen, I believe that, if you’re on the guestlist, there’s a bar downstairs, it’s not for everyone but fuck it, we don’t have to be on the guestlist. We don’t have to go to the bar, we can all just walk out as a unit. We can just terrorise some fucken kids in the street, who bother you at the station, and go “Fuck you, you little cunt, I got 300 middle age people, come over here.” I want to do sluts and studs, but I can’t… Right, right, right, we’ll finish with this joke. Okay, I’ve got this new theory right. Every Time a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she’s called a slut, but if a man sleeps with a lot of woman, he’s called a stud, and people have always said, this is unfair I’m here to tell you, it’s completely fare! I’ll tell you why, cause it’s fucken easy to be a slut, it’s fucken hard, to be a stud. There are, fat, ugly, sluts out there. There are no, fat, ugly studs. I have met slutty dwarfs, I have never met a stud dwarf! maybe in their own community, but none that have ever crossed over! To be a stud, you have to be, good looking, charming, a good liar, with a fake job! To be a slut, you just have to be there! I’ll tell you a story, I knew this girl… I went out with her, and her biggest claim to fame, was that, she went backstage, and fucked an entire member of a very famous band, there was like 5 of them, and she fucked all of them. I said, “why did you do that for?” And she goes, “Well, they’re my favorite band, so I let them.” That is the privilege, of the slut, right there. I can’t go back stage, at a girls allowed concert, and go: “I loved the last album, do what you want, except the ginger one, get me a fucken beer.” Ladies and gentleman, thank you very much, seriously, bye, bye!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

DOUG STANHOPE: DEADBEAT HERO (2004) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-deadbeat-hero-2004-transcript/

Liberty 1a.The condition of being free from restriction or control b.The right and power to act, believe, or express oneself in a manner of one’s own choosing The condition of being physically and legally free from confinement, servitude, or forced labor. Thanks. Do you work hard all week? Don’t do that. Don’t drink on weekends, you don’t. People come up Friday, Saturday… Don’t drink. If you gotta feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday trough Thursday. If you gonna you’ll feel like shit, do it on the company done. What do you gonna on Monday morning, when you need to be wide awake and alert for? “Well, I deliver Pepsi products”. Well do it with a hangover. Fuck them, drink on the job. Fucking waste your nice weekend? You’d be doing some good for yourself. I’m only drinking tonight just to keep up my Cal Ripken like perfect attendance straight. [??] It’s just token, you know? Whatever, don’t do shit you hate, people. Work jobs they hate. There’s another way. Whatever it is you do… Fuckin’ quit. Go on Monday and steal a bunch of shit, and quit. If you don’t absolutely love it, if you wouldn’t do it for free… And steal big shit too. Don’t grab some stationary and paperclips, just to make a statement. Grab some big cash registers and computer monitors, and get out fuck out. People talk to you, they try to convince you that they like what they do, just cause it sucks less than what they’ve used to do that sucked along. They’ll try to convince like it’s gonna make them really enjoy it. “I love my job”. They regurgitate you that guidance counsellor taught them in high school that guided them into the shitty job they begin with. And they regurgitate it all that red[??]. They say “I like my job at Banana Republic.” “Because I get to work with people…” Work with people? You stack pants, for fuck’s sake! People you meet say “I’m just looking” and they try to get away from you. Work with people… Go to whore or something. I had two women walk out of a show in Minneapolis. Which is nothing out of the ordinary. People will leave this. I go on stage it’s like I’m leading you into battle: You not all are gonna be here at the end. Just try not to take it too seriously. Eventually I’m gonna hate the subject and you’re gonna be queer about. Don’t. Just wait for the next joke. Go take a piss, whatever you have to do. Don’t get all upset. I am probably wrong about half the shit I say. You could find me to be an hypocrite about… I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday. “You fucking people don’t pick-up? You don’t read conspiracytheory.com, you fucking losers? I read that yesterday, I’m smart.” I had two women walk out of the show in Minneapolis. And again, it wasn’t because… It wasn’t something I said. Some people just show up places to complain. That’s their form of entertainment. Is complaining. They just can’t wait to bitch. And these women walked out and they caused a rock[??] with the manager in the lobby because I’m drunk. That’s their reason. They’re just: “He’s just drunk up there! We didn’t pay to see this!” “Look at him, he’s obviously drunk. He’s just drunk, he’s that.” I’m not driving a bus motherfucker, what do you care? I’m a comic. I’m saying stuff, words are coming out of my mouth. It’s not like I’m curled up, fiddled[??], I shit my pants, I… It’s not like I’m a spectacle. I’m a comic. What do you give a fuck? It’s like the steroids in baseball. What do you give a shit? You just pay to watch balls fly over your head, like a retard. You care what makes it go out. It’s like going to a titty bar and complaining cause your lap dancer is a communist. So what? The tits are out. What did you pay to see? What is your problem? Who are you people? Alcohol doesn’t get credit where credit is do. And it’s not the best drug. It’s not even in the top five. But it’s the easiest one to get. And we are a fat lazy country of convenients. And alcohol is a very convenient drug. If this was an ecstasy bar I would come in and order a large… I’d be drinking an Evian right now, right? But it ain’t that easy to get. And at the same time, if drinking require that I had to sit in a fucking Dennis park in 2.00 in the middle of the night, waiting for my friend Alan to answer his voicemail, and finally show up just to drop off a six-pack… I’ll never drink again! A lazy fuck, that’s what I am. But has got benefits that doesn’t get the credit. You can you find every statistic and number and pie chart, for where alcohol has ruined the party. But the benefits… For a while airline flight attendants were trying a lobby to get alcohol taking off from airplanes. Cause they say, “91% of all cases of all air rage incidents are alcohol related.” Okay. Fine. How much air rage is averted because of alcohol? How many times was someone just about to choke out that sky cunt that should have been replaced by a Coke machine years ago? That are worse now. Since of 9/11 they are full of that hero syndrome in their head. They think that they’re the last line to defense to the cockpit. A waste of space and polyester. Maybe someone gets on the plane, and it’s just being fingerfucked way too many times trying to get from point A to point B, and waiting in lines, and screened, and searches it’s everything but looking in your ass, that’s the only difference between that and a prison search… And he goes through that, he gets through the front gate and they go: “We accidentally oversold this flight” “We are looking for volunteers who will sit another night in Memphis, cause we goofed and oversold the flight.” If I had a used car, and I sold it to three different people, and I took cash, they all show in the same day to pick it up… “I’m looking for two volunteers who’ll wait till I… I accidentally oversold this piece of shit Dodge Omni, I’m…” You fuckin’ kick me in the balls, I would be doing jail time for fraud. Maybe someone goes through all that. And he’s about to tear up the learings[??] to the pigs that tells him to sit up straight there and take-off, cause he’s had enough, but no. He has a few some Vodka Collins first and chills out just enough to let her live one more day. How many times has alcohol been the hero? How many highway fatalities have been caused because of the .08DY law? Well, everyone is so paranoid now. That one fucking dick neck like you has two light beers at a happy hour… But you’re so paranoid cause of the DY law… You’re driving home, you’re not even looking at the road. You just staring in the rear-view mirror, looking for cops. You don’t even notice you hit a kid on a bike in a crosswalk. You can’t find the numbers on shit like that, right? I think a drug dealer sells me drugs and I go hay wire and fucks up, now they blame the drug dealer. I think you hit a kid on a bike in a crosswalk, looking for cops, you should blame the cops. It’s only two types of people who are against drugs. There’s people who’ve never done drugs. And people who really sucked at doing drugs. And everyone else has to suffer. That’s why the whole medicinal marijuana thing. I mean had done some benefits for them but… First of all, I’m not a pot smoker. I’ve tried it, gave a plenty of opportunities. It didn’t work for me. If it’ll works for you, have had it. But just to argument where, it’s a pro-drug argument… But the fact that they have to say: “This is just about medicine.” No, if couldn’t have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: “It’s my fucking business. Fuck off.” I mean, you don’t put that on the sign, you gotta use tactic stuff that I don’t have. That’s why I’m not in charge of any of those things. But they have to do it. The reason it boils down to old fuck’s vote. And that’s the problem with this country: old fucks vote and we don’t. We have shit to do. Old fucks have nothing to do but judge you and vote. They don’t have to work at UPS on Super Tuesday. They have nothing to do, hang around the polls, judge you, and vote. They’re bitter: “Why’s he smiling? There’s must be something wrong with him, vote NO. Whatever is he’s doing. He’s smiling.” We don’t vote. We got shit to do. Right? And that’s why they have to put the argument in the old people context. Don’t worry, old people are gonna… Baby boomers are gonna start to die in droves. And it’s a good thing. I know a lot of them are parents, but sorry, you gotta go. Sorry, goodbye. Yeah. Your day’s over and there’s new shit that you won’t accept. Because you… People do that… Old people, they look back at the old days, and it was good because they were young. But they act like that was the Day. No it was cause youth is good. That’s gone. You’re fucked. It’s not the Day, and then they reject anything that’s new. It’s like we do with fucking hip-hop if you’re in your thirty. “Fuck that, that ain’t music. We had music, back when 38 Special was around”. Fucking kill ourselves for the hypocrisy, right? But that’s why they use the medicinal marijuana argument. Cause that… If you put in a medical context then all old people are all sympathy and heart straight, you know. “Oh, we don’t want to get high. This is really just about Jimmy with glaucoma.” “Bring out milky-eye Jim, he gets the old people.” And all people see the milky-eyes and they go: “My friend Fred from Normandy had milky-eyes the last time I saw him and…” …Vote YES!”. Right? It’s a bullshit argument, but you waste too much time. Start the argument where it starts. “I have the right to do whatever the hell I want to my own body.” “And if it kills me slowly, happy for me. Fuck you, clack-clack, stop me.” Start the argument. Cause you’re wasting my time. You’re gonna spend 25 years, so milky-eye Jim can get government substed eyes, a bong head of some dirt weed… I want to buy mushrooms at Wallmart tomorrow. Let’s fucking just fight this one out. All illegal narcotics – Are medicinal. Boredom – Is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it. With a little unknown[??] bad side effects if used as directed. Life’s temporary, for a reason. It gets boring after a while. It does. It’s like a good sitcom. Lasts so many seasons, and then you got nothing else to do, no more ideas, so they head a fucking alien or an adopted kid, and it’s off the air, and you go: “Thank God it’s over.” Cause life gets boring the shit. I’m 37 and I’m already bored. I’ve had a weird life. I’ve done some crazy shit but I did it too quick and I get no more ideas. My imagination can’t keep up with… I’m fucking bored out of my tit. Invent new drugs. That’s what you should be doing. Don’t fight the old ones. Fight to get new weirder ones or something weirder establishments to do all men in. And more holes. That’s what you ladies need. More holes. That would help up. That would pork me up. A new and an exciting hole. Now all right there wing, they’re all against the cloning, cause they’re afraid of the mutations. “Well, science is an advance. All the mutations we could have…” Maybe the mutations is where we find the answer? Maybe I accidentally spit out a little girl baby that’s has got 44/90 holes all over her body. These big, flappy, ugly, holes. And you go “Ah, now a long-term commitment is a viable option.” Where’s the dowry? I want that one for neverlasting. “Why do you always try to fuck me in the shoulder hole? Why do you do that?” “Cause you won’t let me fuck your shoulder hole!” “Why can’t you just make love to my chest cavity, like when we first met?” “You were all sweet all the time.” “Well, just let me put the head in it”. “It’s worse, stop it! I think you’re gay.” Mutations are exciting. There’s not nearly enough with them. They try to fix them… Did you see that two-headed baby they killed last month, while they tried to cut it apart? This is hilarious, you know what I’m talking about? There was two-headed, this… There’ve been four in the last year, all in Central America. I don’t know what they put in the water, but I am going down there cause… But there were like four in a year, and they tried to separate them all, I think one survived. One out of four they’re good for, which still keeps in the majors but… But the other ones I understood why they cut apart, cause the other ones with the regular side-by side Siamese twins. We’ve all seen that. So yeah, sure. Lop one of them up. It’s detached disturb. Sure, cut them apart. It’s a heck oddity. It’s like having a bearded lady baby. OK, we’ve seen it. Shave it, go ahead. But this one was… This one was special… Anyone know what the fuck I’m talking about? There had a second head growing up at the top of the bottom head. Like a totem pole. A townhouse-head baby. A condom. And that’s unprecedented. Keep that one around, douche-bag. Do not try to scissor that one apart, I want to see that one grow. I’ll get the Guinness Book World Records again to see this one as a full grown little lady. Come on! They had to cut it off. And this is why I understood cause… They had to try to take to top… Well, I mean, obviously. You can’t cut the bottom on half and move the top one down… But they said that they had to move… They took off the top head because it was a head on underdeveloped brain. Had little formed eyes, lips, but had underdeveloped brain. You can’t do that to the low baby without its consent, right? I mean I have friends who work with developed mentally disabled people. On their own free will. And it’s some really ambitious thing. You gotta have a lot of heart to do that. But you can’t just stick a kid with a retard there close to you all life, just trying to go trough your days… Just trying to read your Nancy Drew mysteries and it’s up there going “[moaning]”. “Mum, I’m trying to read! Throwing[??] Cheerios on me, mum!” “Stop it!” You can’t do that. But I’m telling you… This club has some of the hottest waitresses you’ll see in any club around here. And just let me tell you this… Let me tell you this. If I was upstairs in the bar and all of these waitress were sitting along the bar, bold ass naked… And a full grown two-headed girl baby walked into the bar for a cocktail, I would turn away from the naked girls and go straight to her like a bug light. Because that would be interesting. Fuck you. Yes, I’m sick fuck you wouldn’t fuck. If a two-headed girl baby came into the bar, and you’re all alone sitting out there, couldn’t tell me you wouldn’t at least get a [??] in the toilet, [??] Just to tell your friends you’ve finally had that menage à trois. They were twins, that’s all I’m saying. They were twins. Fucking sisters. Not the retarded one, I’d mouthfucked the low-headed baby. You guys… And you’d have to do in that 69 position, with you on top. So there were your balls in mo[??] of the mouth of the rubber-head. Cause you can’t come when… [moaning] You’re trying to concentrate… [moaning] “I want to swing, sad man!” Right? So you’d have to have the balls laying over. Least you jizzed in that. And you certainly couldn’t get it in the orthodox kneeling position, cause then rubber-head looked it up at your wall and… “Guh! Hello!” “Do you like my sister?” No. Of course I like your sister, look down! That’s what I need. I need a 44 holes two-headed baby girl. That’s the only way I can come. Do you know what’s tempting me a lot lately? The transvestites. That’s right! Fuck you. Judge not lest you be judged, my friend. They’re good now. Transvestites. They build them from scratch now. It’s not like 25 years ago, transvestites as some old dude in a wig on a “Dunkin Donuts” commercial. “Time to make the donuts!” They’re good! You don’t even have to pretend you got tricked anymore. They got everything. There got the breast implants, and they got the ass implants, they got cheek implants, they got hair extensions, they got all the electrolysis, and collagen lips, and going up… How much surgery do they need before I’m not gay for doing it? There’s gonna be some line in the sand, that you draw. I’m staring right at that here: topless in a G string, and I’m going, “I know that you have a penis” Even if she had a vagina, I’d still probably tried to plun her in the ass anyway. So what’s the difference? What’s the difference? What do I lose? I don’t need any new friends, or respect from you. That’s why I… Hang on. That’s why I eat breakfast in a place in L.A. It’s called “Yukon Mining Company”. It’s a shit restaurant, but it’s got a smoking patio, it’s outdoor so I can actually smoke and eat my breakfast at the same time. Oh, what a free country we live in. Hey, man! How’s it going? I forget your name. How you doing? Good to see you. Anyway. Some guy I know. I can’t remember. So I eat breakfast there and… Because… Santa Monica boulevard – That’s where all the transvestites hang out in L.A.. You’ve seen transvestites, see plenty of… I’m sure you drive passed to gay bar on Saturday night and you see them all lined up, dressed up like Judy Tenuta or Diana Ross or something… But you see the night time dolled up transvestites. Ready to lip-sync Billy Ocean song or some whatever they do or… You don’t see the breakfast transvestites. A breakfast transvestite, that’s the one that will queer you away from the night time transvestite. Cause when you see them shuffling in there, 8.30 in the morning, and they don’t have a wig on anymore, the makeup is all smudged, 5.00 shadows [??] through… They still got really nice tits. But the dick is flopping around in sweat pants with no underwear, and you go “Man, thank God I didn’t have that last shot of Jägermaister.” “This could had been an awkward goodbye.” Did you see the Mississippi dildo bust yesterday? Again, as one person… Was out CNN. Three states of… It’s a part of the whole FCC indecency crack down they’re having. And now three states are enforcing “antidildo laws”, I do not know what they call them. But “antidildo”… pretty much guess the point. It was on CNN. Footage of big, fat, pig cop walking out with fucking garbage bags and dildos. Smiling, cause he has finally put his foot down. And then head pig dildo is talking about how “It’s to protect the physical and mental safety of our citizens”. Yes, the physical… “What if one of these double dongs had got into the hand of a child, what happens then?” “You don’t want to see the child that has tried use this implement of Satan into it.” “This could put your anus inside out like a elephant’s trunk.” Do you want to see our children walking down the street, holding their lunchboxes in one hand, and the truncated rectum in the other, like a bleeding sea snake?” Fucking sad. I’m not picking out cops. For the most part cops are just doing their job. I had to do a benefit show, and I make jokes about cops cause they’re an easy target for a joke. But I had to do a benefit show for families of fallen police officers. I mean, it’s something that makes you think. Cause you do fuck with them but it makes you realize they do risk their lives every day against shit on all around. If you’re a cop, and you sitting in here, I’ll buy you next drink, seriously. Are you a cop? You’re in training? This is sweet. Cause I’m lying. No, I’m making all this sit up. This is a sting operation. Here’s your training right here. You know how the cops do you when you got a warn if forgot to pay a traffic ticket? So they send you a thing “Hey you, want a free TV?” And you go “OO-OO, I’m a winner”, and you run down there with a thumb in your ass, “Hey, I’m a winner!” And then they arrest you and make funny on the news? This is a reverse thing. I just wanted to see where you egomaniacs are sitting. In case I wanna score drugs after the show, I know whom to avoid. “I did a benefit for fallen police officers”. Yes, it was called the “Pigs in blankets” foundation. I masturbated through the all event with a pinwheel hat on right in front raw. They don’t risk their lives for you. He’s gonna risk his life, but he’s… Since when did risking your life become something that people see as out the ordinary? People risk their lives all the time, every day, and they do it for fun. They drink and drive, and they bungee-jump, and they do crazy shit all the time. It’s not because you fuck the last call whores without a condom, “OO-OO!!” That ain’t risking their life for the whore. Right? They don’t risk their lives for you. They risk their lives for the low-level of celebrity involved in being a cop. You risk it’s all about the ego. People wrestle alligators too, but never once there’s someone dying out without an audience. All right? You see what I’m saying? If I were a cop, I would be a angry motherfucker right now, and I’ll tell you why. Because the “hero pussy” that motivated you into the force… After 9/11 there was such an amazing glut of “hero pussy”. Cops couldn’t walk out of their house. You didn’t have to be anywhere near New York city. Cops all across. Their girls just see the uniform, and they would stop, drop, and suck his dick. “He’s the hero! Get it girl! Hero! Get that hero dick!” You couldn’t walk out of your house without “hero pussy” being vaulted at you out of a catapult. Like rotten[??] octopus, slapping in the face “Hero pussy!” You’d have to carry a tennis racket. Have you gone to tennis racket training yet? You carry a tennis racket to swat “hero pussy” to the ground, so you can get to your call in time. And that placated you for a while, all the cops were happy for a while. But then… …the war started. And the “hero pussy” market all shifted to the military. “All the military guys are getting the hero pussy!” And the cops… There still cops today, you can spot them in bars. They’ll carry pictures of the Twin Towers around with them, trying to remind the dumb chicks. “Remember me?” “I’m on homeland defense yet.” “Yes, this could happen right here in Renton if I wasn’t very vigilant, hello?” “Will you at least touch it?” “Will your skunky friend watch me jerk? Something?” “Who is your friend in the camouflage?” “Fuck this, I’m joining the fire department.” “This is bullshit!” The troops… You got to support the troops, right? Wrong again. You keep trying but… I’m not saying “Don’t support the troops”, I’m saying I support people on a individual basis. I gotta meet the troop first. If I meet the troop, he’s a cool troop, we drink, and he does turn into a dildo… “Yeah, support him.” I’ll support him no matter what he does. I’ll write his specific name on the Yellow Ribbon. So they know he’s just PFC James Campbell or whatever his fucking name is. And then he can do whatever he wants. He could awol, or drop bombs on his own guys and Canadians or whatever. I’ll go “Hey, he’s having a bad day, I know that guy, I drunk with him, he’s cool.” But some troops are dickheads. Some troops are… You know them… Some are fucking assholes. I was down in Clint, Texas, by Fort Hood. There was a troop down there in a bar. And he wanted to hammer my head flat. Cause I accidentally dumped over his piss warm draft beer. And he was fucking… You know how they get the fucking four arms, swinging forward… A fucking monkey redneck. Fucking “Oh, you wanna kick my ass?!” I didn’t support that troop there in the war, I did not. That troop was a shithead, and I hoped he died first. That’s the only reason I watched that boring… Yes, I wanted to see his little peanut head explode on CNN, on a choppy sad like fee, cause he’s a fucking asshole. He’s not fighting for your freedom. He’s fighting cause he’s a psychopath who wants to kill somebody. He found a good outlet, and that’s good. Right? That’s why I’m pro-war. As long as it’s voluntary. This war was voluntary. I mean, it is no draft. They weren’t yanking kids out of their inner city and making them go fight a war. Everyone who joined the military, joined the military cause they kinda want to go kill other people. Right? And that’s good. That’s your instinct. Your instinct is your true God, follow it. If you just want to fucking kill someone, there’s a place for it. Go to the military. As long as people who kinda want to go kill other people are going to kill other people who kinda wanna go to kill other people, you’re killing all the right people, and opening up all the best parking spaces. Cause people who want to kill other people are the last people I wanna party with, cause I get mouthy when I drink. So go and have a big killing free frag. Make up wars. Fight over Antarctica, call it “Manifest Destiny.” Do twelve men teams from different countries on paintball fields with real weapons. And put it on pay-per-view. Let it generate his own revenue so it’s not sucking our fucking supplies dry. Military should be voluntary… You should be able to quit anytime you want. That way they’d really have to sell you on the war. They can’t just like suck you in some bullshit 18 years old, when you don’t know what you do. That’s what people say, “That’s not true. They don’t want to kill people. Some people just join the military cause they need college money.” Then they’re idiots, and college wasn’t gonna help. Right? There’s plenty of other ways to get college money. Suck a dick. Rob a guy. Steal a car. Steal a pallet of that shit of the forklift you run at UPS, and sell it out of a van on a highway off-ramp. Swing around the brass pole a few times, Jessica Lynch. You’ll have plenty of college money and never leave West Virginia. Keep the war going. Don’t have a war against terrorism. Jealous? Terrorism is a brilliant form of warfare, sorry. It’s being used inappropriately now. The terrorists we have now, they just are bad at. They’re using it in an inappropriate and ineffective fashion. But terrorism is a form of warfare. How do you have rules for war? What’s that all about? “Oh, that’s…” “Saddam Hussein, he was ready to use chemical weapons, that’s against the rules.” Fuck you! Ther’s a war faggot, fight it or get out. No rules. What the “Geneva convention” is? What’s that sick shit? We got rules for… “We’re gonna kill each other by the hundreds or thousands. Not us of course, “poor people’s kid. But if we’re gonna do it, “let’s jump down some rules. “Can they hit him in the face with a garden rake? Gentlemen what you think? Yes? OK, all right. Everyone in? Yes. Hit him in the face with a garden rake is OK.” “What about mace? No, that’s chemical. That’s fighting like a fairy. No mace. That’s what girls use, that’s fighting like a girlie.” It’s a war! You attack me, I’m a weaker country, I will use any weapon I have, I will… Chemical weapon, nuclear weapon, girlie eye gouge, sucker nut punch, dog shit in a rist rocket. Whatever is gonna keep you away from me. Yes, it’s a war! Fight it or quit crying, faggot. If you’re in here and you’re gay and you’re offended that I’m using the word “faggot”, I apologize and I’ll suck your dick after the show. Cause “fag” it’s way too good of a word. I just, it’s so “Faggot!” It’s not even a gay theme. I’ll suck your dick. I’ll turn queer to keep the word, I don’t care. My self respect was shot years ago. I stopped coming to the… It’s like a “cunt”. “Cunt” is a great word. But it’s more impressive if you use it on a guy. “You’re a fucking cunt! That’s all you are.” See how? It’s more powerful, cause it’s confusing. It’s like calling a redneck a nigger. They don’t know how to react. Terrorism can work. I’m trying to talk my mother in being a suicide bomber right now. Seriously. Cause she fits the profile. She’s terminally ill. Basically it hasn’t been dying notes[??] but… She’s been chain smoking “Kool Mild 100’s” for 48 years. She couldn’t walk up onto the stage without coughing out chunks of green shit all over your nachos. Like some respiratory Gallagher event. [comedian] She’s miserable. She really is a miserable, angry person. I moved her up to Florida six years ago. I moved her and her seven cats. Got them a one-bedroom apartment in Hollywood. And all she’s done in the last six years is sit in that apartment and farm cats, and chain smoke and bitch. It’s down of three cats now, with one kind of teetering on the fences. Cause they just sit there in her apartment and second hand smoke they… She won’t even let them outside and have a decent chance of chucking themselves under a bus tire and fucking end it all. “No, it’s too dangerous on the street, keep the cats in.” So they breathe the second hand smoke, and then it turns in the third hand smoke, forth hand smoke… And cats, they’re like furry air filters. That’s all they are. And they’re not even furry, cause they’re all greasy with nicotine like old curtains And they die right in front of her, and she doesn’t even notice for days. Cause she is watching “Crossing over” with John Edward, trying to figure out where she’ll be in a month. Drinking dollar-store Robitussin trying to cure her throat cancer. It’s not gonna work ma, come on. And she’s just a hateful, angry… She hates everything. She hates the traffic, she hates neighbors, and “This goddamn!”. She hates you, she hates… Just hates. She’s like me without jokes. Hateful. But she loves me. And she’d do anything for me. And she’s suicidal. I mean, in a logical sense. It’s not a desperate “I can’t go on another day.” She’s suicidal in the way she knows that day’s coming when the lung tumors get bigger then a breast implant she’s gonna cash out. She’s not a woman who wants to die with a lot of tubes going in and out of her, milking off the state. She gonna cash all. But instead of giving her the big bottle of Xanax and a quart of vodka, like my brother and I have planned for for the last few yeas… Why not instead… Seriously! Rig her up with some heavy explosives and evertake out some shit we all hate on her way out. Nothing with the political agenda like the terrorist of today “This’ll solve Middle East peace – Kaboom!”. No. No! Just take out some shit that we all hate. Some personal peppy that’s an irritate… How to take out a DY road block. Or Ashton Kutcher. Or somethings that irritate everybody. Someone noone will complain about. Did you ever eat a “Subway” breakfast sandwich? It’s a damn good sandwich, is it? Cause it comes on the same bun, it’s the regular deli style bun that all the other sandwiches. Every fast-food place has to put their breakfast sandwiches on something crazy. “It’s a [??] pancake”, “It’s a flicky croissant”, or “Wacky biscuit”. But the “Subway” you can put it on a regular bun and it comes you can put vegetables on it, so it gives you the illusion that is good for you. And I love the placebo effect, I’m a sucker for it. But you can’t get it after 11. [burp] And I can sleep till 1 or 9 at nigh, depending on what narcotics still float around in my system. But I still try to get the breakfast sandwich. And I go “Hey come on, give me a egg and cheese”. And the kid’ll say “I’m sorry sir. It’s after 11, we put all that stuff away.” You didn’t put it away: It’s in a second green cabinet, it’s right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no “away” in the building. You don’t own “away”. There’s no Brink’s truck that pulls up at 11.02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard. You’re just programmed to do this. So I don’t want give him shit… I mean, he’s got enough shit in his life… He’s gonna wear a paper hat, and “I’m a sandwich artist” polo shirt, and frat guys freaking shit all day long: “Faggot, I said no tomatoes! Dude, put tomatoes on!” So I don’t wanna pile onto his misery, but come on! Think, just think this one through. The entire breakfast menu on “Subway” consists of nothing but the egg. It’s all the same sandwiches they serve all day long, plus an egg. You don’t have to fire up the griddle for the flapjacks… It is not a process like other restaurants who really do have to stop at 11 cause they have a real fucking menu. But you don’t… You’re just stealing their rule for no reason. It doesn’t make sense and I don’t want to be indict you but… It’s not even a real fucking egg, man! This is a pre-packaged egg-like petty product, that sits in a stack of eight petties in the second green cabinet… It’s right next to the bacon that you serve all day. If I order a BLT right now I’ll see that “away” eggs sitting right next to it. “I see the eggs another way!” And I don’t get you shit up, I’m gonna give you one more opportunity. Think this true and please just give me an “egg and cheese”. And the kid’s gonna say “I’m sorry sir.” And I’m gonna say “No. This time I’m sorry!” “Mother!” And mother… Mother will come trudging in, in her Ratty Tatty clothe bathrobe. With C4 explosives strapped hand to toe. Kool Mild 100’s in one hand, dead cat in the other like Gale Sayers or a Heisman trophy. Plunger, and she’s gonna say: “Goodbye!” [Kaboom!] And now terrorism has worked positive. For all of us. Some big cheese up in the “Subway” tar is gonna read that story and he’s gonna go: “Why didn’t he just give him a fucking egg? It’s in the second green cabinet…” “[??] go by franchise rules?” And I wouldn’t take innocent lives. What I’d do… Mother wants to go, that’s her choice. And I wouldn’t kill the “Subway” kid, cause I’d get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode. Like a skyscraper. So she just go: [implosion] And the “Subway” kid’d just go: [O.o] But it would stay with him, cause he’d think next time. Right? It’s such an amazing lack of logic that’s prevailing in our society and everyone just takes it. We just take it. “Well, it’s just the way it is. It’s tradition, that’s our policy.” Fuck that! If it’s stupid change it. “That’s the law!” If it’s a dumb law don’t have it. Right? I’m trying to work on our system just to simplify so… I think we can… I’m working on a system where we can eliminate currency world wide. Where we don’t even have to use currency, so I don’t have to figure out math and incomes and that… Just replace currency with a system of blowjobs and cheesburgers, cause that’s really all they need in the end of the day. “Nice car, I suck your dick for it.” “I just got my dick sucked, you got anything to eat?” “All right, here’s a cheesburger.” There’s kimps[??] in the system that I haven’t worked on. Hindus, for instance. That’s a problem with the cheeseburgers, and I gotta work it all out but… When I do, everything’s[??] gonna change. All the other issues I’m pretty tied on. Immigration. There’s too many people in this fucking country. But I think if you’re gonna focus on keeping people out, you gotta focus on the people who don’t contribute to society. That’s an old brainer but… And there’s a specific group of over four million people that come into this country every year and don’t contribute a fucking thing. And everyone knows who I’m talking about. But no one wants to say it cause it’s politically incorrect, but fuck that. You know who I’m talking about… Officer Bob? You know who I’m talking about? Who am I talking…? Babies! That’s who I’m talking about. Babies! They come out of your hole, they come into this country, they don’t speak the language, they don’t wanna work. They just take, and they take… And they cause a roc[??], and they waste all of our natural resources. I say put the border patrol agent at the foot of your uterus. Anything comes out without a visa you kick it back in the hole. “What’s your name? You’re not on the list. Get back behind the velvet rope.” “The club is overfull. We’ll call you when we need you.” Sick of other people. “Oh Doug, don’t you do it. Anti-baby beat on every CD? “Yes, cause you won’t stop having them, so I’m gonna keep saying it. Almost every problem in the world boils down to too many fucking people. And I’m not just talking out of my… I had my vasectomy, I have no children. Anyone else had a vasectomy? Who did? Did you? Get him a drink. That’s a true American hero right there. Don’t name the fucking memorial highway after him. After that guy. Every time you get a good parking space… There you go, remember that guy, yes. Thanks. He’s the guy who didn’t have someone parking there. Every time you’re fucking stuck in traffic, yes you think about the… Brainers. “Hey, no traffic at all the day…”. Thank you. How long before you blew it on after you had it? Do you remember? Two weeks? I waited 8 days. Cause they tell you “Wait 72 hours”. I developed what they call granuloma. If don’t know how they do a vasectomy… What they do is they go in and they make a small incision on each side of your scrot sack, and then they go in with a tweezer thing, and they remove your courage, and your confidence, and your social skills, and your sense of humor, and your need for any personal hygiene… And they replace it with a violent fear of sneezing. So I had that done out of respect for the world. And then I get granuloma that is when you continue to leak semen in you bag sack, and then your bag sack start swelling out bigger and bigger every day– did you get that? No? I have pictures of it on my website cause people thought I was exaggerating. It was like… I called it the “Hindenburg”. It was like a hippety-hop in between my legs. It was like the Blueberry kid from Willy Wonka. And they’re telling me “Wait 72 hours”. And I go “What kind of superhero is jerking off with this going on?” Six days?? I waited 8 days and… And I didn’t even wanted jerk off then, but you go 8 days without… I’ve never gone 8 days in my natural low blowing life without emptying it all… But weird shit happens in your head after that about the time. I’m getting deviant thoughts watching TV commercials that don’t even have people in them! I had to do something. I jerked over my eyes closed with two fingers squinting like a little girl in a horror movie. “I don’t wanna see what’s coming out of there… Blood, or stitches, or chili…” I didn’t think I needed a vasectomy. I was like some convenient frame of my mind. Cause I’ve dumped irresponsible nuts over my all life and never came up unlucky, right? With the babies… I think with all the shit I’ve done to my body I was surprised I had sperm that was still white. Much less potent. So I knocked up my wife a year and a half ago. It was the first abortion… The only abortion, I’ve had… But it was might have been the longest abortion of all time. It took a month to have. Has anyone had an abortion? You’re all rapt with attention now, all of a sudden, so I assume you all have. It’s a fucking horrible thing to go through. And not horrible in that “Oh, it’s a living thing, what are we doing?” Fuck the living thing. A genital wart is a living thing. If it’s gonna irritate you for life, burn it off, right? Bladder cancer is alive and growing like a baby in you. If you try to remove that I’ll protest you and say “stop playing god.” It’s horrible. We panicked and then do any research… Cause you have options when it comes to abortion out. It’s not like in 1955, when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best, right? You feed her a tapeworm, and hope it takes a left at the Y. I mean you have medical options. I was hoping that you had the option of doing it live on a crowded airplane, so it might serve as an example to living babies on, that were already on board, and thinking about screaming through the all flight. Little scared straight program to the infance but… Can’t do that. But we did the RU-486 cause it sounded easy. Yes, it sounds like, “Oh, it’s an abortion pill!” “Hey, what do you want, surgery or a pill?” And you go “Ah, that sounds like you just take a Flintstone vitamin and you wait for the abortion fairy to come and she leaves a quarter onto your womb, and no one knows the whys about. But no. It was a long story and I won’t get into the graphic details about. But it would took a month to have this… And what was more fucked up is how they treat you. There was just this clinic… Cause we had to go to the different ones[??] of the same [??]. And they were all fucking assholes, and they treated you like shit because they can. And that’s a problem. Even though abortion is legal… Yes, for a limited time only. Get it all them hot girls, cause John Ashcroft came to town and he knows your body better than you. Trust your government. That blue light specials are about to end. But even though it’s legal, it still lives in that grey area of shame where if you even bring it up in a fucking basement drunken comedy club it creates a church like bingo all silence. And that’s how they treat you… like shit. Because they can get away with it. It’s like dildos, right? They’re legal, except for Mississippi, “You’re gonna jail for that!” They’re legal. Say you wanna go to get a dildo tonight. You go out to the smut shop, you get a nice topshop, a fucking blue wiggler, and you bring it home, and you jam[??] the batteries in it… But then the neck doesn’t swivel quiet right for the G spot. And then little robber rabbit doesn’t quiet reach you clitoris, like it says it will on the box. What are you gonna do? Bring it back? You’ll have to get have liquored up on draft beer just to walk into that joint. Much less stop buying Monday morning on the way to your accountant position when you’re… “How you did it talk to someone [??] This doesn’t reach my clitoris, There’s something… Can I try on a different one?” They gonna tell you to pound sand and get out of the store. Who you gonna call? The better business bureau? “I have clitoral rights and that was denied then!” It’s the same with an abortion. They know that I’m not gonna walk into a crowded clinic with my wife and slap my hand down on the form and go: “This is the worst abortion I have ever had, I want to see your manager.” “I want to talk to your manager. You call this an abortion?” “I would be embarrassed to put out this kind of workmanship, my friend.” “I’m gonna tell my friends about this, yes I am.” “I’m not gonna have my abortions here anymore.” “You have lost a very valuable customer today, my friend.” “I’m cutting up my priority club membership card.” You’re gonna fucking stare at me like you don’t have any… Yeah, fine. Before you actually go and get all quiet and pissy, like I’m some asshole about this, keep in mind I’m just telling you the parts that I think are funny. You don’t know the reason we had… The reason we had an abortion was… It wasn’t because… It wasn’t frivolous. We didn’t have an abortion because we weren’t ready to take care of a child, we were irresponsible, or because we’re not financially capable of taking… The reason we had it is ’cause I really wanted to see what it felt like to kill a baby. I just do not want you to judge. Your priest will tell you… Your priest will tell you that abortion is wrong. Cause your priest’ll tell you that your life begin at conception. But the priest’ll also tell you it’s okay to suck his dick when you’re only twelve. So maybe is timing just off. Here’s what everyone seems to overlook with the all priest molestation scandal, if you think about it. With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid’s head… His dickshit’ll be the least of your worries. Honestly. That’s just a little bit of mouthwash and a few years of theraphy’ll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torch you for a lifetime. “We sent our boy to church so he can learn a lifetime of guilt, shame, self hatred…” “All the things we enjoy.” “And then the priest flopped out his audience here right in front of the child.” Who’s the abused? “How come you never told us this was happening to him?” Cause you’re a freak and a prude and you can’t… Anytime that kid came to you with anything of a sexual nature you probably freaked out, and cramped up, and pruded up, and send him to church to deal with it. Where he got fucked in the face again. A vicious circle. “Mommy, is it normal for an older man to have sex with a young boy my age right in his mouth?” “Where do you get these ideas Kevin? Who told you these things? That’s horrible!” “Sex is not like… Sex is something that… Well sex is for people that…” “Why don’t you go talk to Father Henry Hank about this right now?” “Noooooo!” [choking] “But mommy, I was trying to tell you that he’s the one who…” [choking] And then they have big get togethers. With cardinals, and the bishops and the… Every big Halloween hat gets together in one high ceiling venue to discuss how to punish the offending priest. “What do we do to punish him?” “He had mouthfucked all the kids, what do we do?” I’ll tell you what you do. You want to know how to punish him, you go back to the Bible, hypocrite. It’s in Leviticus. It’s that same passage they use to justify the death penalty. What does it say? “Eye for an eye”, exactly. If it works for the death penalty, then it should work just fine for your priest molestation issue. A priest fucks your kid in the face, you tell him “Billy, you march your ass back over to that church right now.” “You fuck that priest in his mouth! See how he likes it!” “Go on boy! Give it to him good! Give it to him good!” “I’m raising no sissies!” Now the Church is all upset about the gay marriage. Why? It’s one of those trick arguments where everyone hits a big issue that doesn’t really fucking matter. But at the same time, the arguments don’t matter… “Oh, gays should not get marry, that’s gonna ruin family!” “We have every right!” Marriage should not be a legal institution, that’s the argument you should be having and noone… The government should have no place in your love life, that should not. If you want to get married you should be like joining a fraternity. You want to get marry, you go to your church or your “Chuck E. Cheese”, and they do a crazy rain dance around you and some incantation and “pafoom!”, you’re a married person. It doesn’t mean anything. What about tax brakes? Fuck it. If you want tax brakes, then corporate. Right? The government should only look at you as an individual, no matter what. What if you’re fucking idiot and you’re ugly? It’s like the car pooling. You can’t find someone to marry. It’s discrimination. Not be a legal institution, it shouldn’t exist. If marriage didn’t exist, Would you invent it? Would you go “Baby, this shit we got together, it’s so good! We gotta get the government in on issue!”? We can’t just share this commitment between us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit baby!” It’s hot! But someone invented it. And now you gotta do it or you’re an asshole. Right? It’s like “Secretary’s day”. Everyday was fine when you shuffled in an office, till someone said “Oh, it’s Secretary’s day”. Now you’re a dick if you don’t bring her flowers. Someone invented marriage and now you’re a dick if you don’t marry and I’m a dick if I don’t show up. And it’s a boring, ego-maniacal ritual, at no one wants to go to. Don’t ever for a second think that someone wants to be at your wedding. It’s the most boring horrifying experience. It’s like watching someone make out on a bus for six hours. You gotta wear your nicest clothes and show up, bring present, and tell weedy anecdotes. I have to watch you my friend up there go “You know, I’m gonna tell you what loving commitment mean to me.” “Cause the first time I saw Laura and Hen, my heart swelled up.” If I’m gonna be that private, your most intimate details… I’d rather just watch you fuck. That’s a wedding. Let me watch you fuck with a miner’s cap and get in there and see all the fucking boils and fucking heat bumps and yes… It’s gross. It’s a trick argument. There’s so many… Pledge of Allegiance, is in the the Supreme Court. That’s another trick argument. “Under God should be the Pledge of Allegiance!” We don’t need a Pledge of Allegiance, say that. Why do you need that brainwashing cold shit? If you have a good product, kids’ll figure it out on their own. You don’t need advertising. Twelve years of forced advertising. Right? You’ve done drugs in here by applause, right? At some point. Did you have a good time? Do you ever see I’m advertised? There needn’t to. You got a good product, people come around. You don’t need that shit. “Well, you do had to have under God in there cause they found it Fathers based this country on the principles of Christianity.” You want to worry about the Pledge of Allegiance, worry not about the God part. Worry about the Liberty and Justice for all. Talk to him in two years and see what justice is all about. And Liberty… The meaning of Liberty, the dictionary definition… “Liberty means freedom from government restriction and control”. Not only the wee[??] have liberty. Who has less liberty than the children, you make say this. That’s the irony. They get the least liberty you’ve had it. We don’t have, they got… [??] They can’t do shit. We got the oldest children in the world in this country. Don’t let them do shit forever. They can’t do shit. They can’t drink, they can’t smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work. They can’t fuck, for God’s sake. And you wonder why your teenage is such an asshole… You wonder he’s sitting in the Taco Bell parking lot after the Friday night high school football game… He skin cars and he’s smearing dog shit on your door handles for no particular reason. It’s cause he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let them do anything else. You watch on the news, you see a ten year old kid in the Third World country. He’s got a AK-47 and a death stare looking right into the camera. That kid’s not out spray painting over passes on Saturday night. He’s got shit to do. He’s got a whole agenda. He learned by fucking up, and it takes you until you fucked up a bunch of times to learn. There’s no magic number. [??] You want to fix the Pledge of Allegiance, put a disclaimer at the end. “with Liberty and justice for all…” “Must be 18 void with prohibitive [??], some restrictions may apply. Not available in all states.” How do you pledge allegiance to a government? How do you do that? That’s the dumbest thing… All America is as a government. There’s no such thing as “We’re Americans.” That’s just trivial bullshit to get you play routines for the home team. You’re not an American. You’re a guy. Or chick, whatever. You’re a person. That’s you’re an individual. That’s it. Until the mongols came over the hills swinging machetes trying to take our fucking fire hazard underground comedy club away from us… Yes, then we are body up. As one. But those days are over, there’s no one trying to take over America. We weren’t on the virges[??] speaking Iraqi. As far as America goes… There’s two countries in the world: “Dick” and “Not a dick”. Those are the only two countries. The border goes all the way around. Did ever go to another country and meet another American when you didn’t expect to? You’re down in Costa Rica, up in the jungle, trying to fuck a monkey so you have a friend, a story to tell your buddy… And you wind up meeting another American and you didn’t expect it, and you always talk to him, just on the trivia… “Hey you’re from America! I’m from America, where are you from?” And there’s never more then three sentences before you realize “If I a was in America, I wouldn’t talk to this douche-bag if my air was on fire and he held the monopoly on liquid.” What does that mean? I’m no more of an American than I am an hairess[??] or an uncle. It’s something you called me and I just was “Cheer.” I just showed up and you called me some. If you’re gonna pledge blind allegiance and call yourself American for a government that fucks you on a regular basis… Democracy’s the worst kind. I’m sorry, but it is. “We got to pick our leaders!” What if I don’t want a leader? What is that vote go? You do good on my own, I don’t wanna be leaded. That freedom? “American idol” was the number one show on television for the last two years. Those are the people picking your leaders. With less insight then they put in the whether fucking Ruben Studdard win an award. It’s dumb. Would you call yourself a christian if they had a new Jesus every four years? You wanna make a difference in the world, here’s some things you can do: First, you work for a major corporation fuck stuff up, break stuff. It’s good for the economy, it drives their prices up and makes the small businessmen become competitive again. I get I’m bad with math, but I think that one will work. Trade out when you can. Don’t buy things if you don’t have to buy things if you can trade out… If you’re a pool cleaner, and you’re a carpet layer don’t buy each others products. Trade out. And that how you fuck the tax men. They have so much of your money, they piss right in your face. And they waste it, and they go “Look how much of your money we’re wasting!” “Take it, you pitch! Fucking take my piss!” They spent 30 million dollars advertising the new 20-dollar bill. 30 million dollars to put TV as “This is the new 20-dollar bill!” Who’s the competition? You need to advertise…? “Yeah, well, we had to spare 30 million, cause we are pissing in his face. Yes, give me fucking 30 million dollars while I fucking piss in your face!” “What do you think I’m gonna start spending costarican colonies, if you don’t…?” “I don’t like the new twenty. It’s more of a Autumn color…” “I’m a spring…” Trade out. They piss your money away like a bad MC Hammer behind the music storey. And if you trade out you can avoid that. You get my point. Here’s the most important thing. Now that the cops’re out of the room we can talk about this. Here’s the most important… I only got four minutes left up here. Take jury duty. This is how you beat him. Everyone one tries to get out a jury duty like it’s a big pain in the ass. But it’s honestly the easiest way you can make a difference as single human being. If you take jury duty and it’s any kind of bullshit crime, any kind of drug possession, any prostitution, any victimless crime, anything that’s none of your goddamn business… You just say “Not guilty.” It’s any kind of heiress bullshit, any .09DUY… Come on… You say “Not guilty.”. If it’s any kind of class action law suit, with some douche-bag her kid died in some weird fashion and she deserves compensation. Cause there was no warning on the box that if her kid swallowed a Linkenlog sidewaysed he could have a bad day. So she wants 8.5 million dollars. Cause nothing spells relief of loss of a loved one like 8.5 million dollars. “It’s just a principle of the thing.” Suit for a buck. “You [??] my baby. He swallowed Linkenlogs, it’s terrible!” “Not guilty.” You know what I’m saying? No matter how guilty they obviously are In fact, the more guilty they obviously are the funnier it is when you say “Not guilty.” The guy could be guilty of shit, and swedding big shaky crackhead, and making up lies yanking rabbits out of his ass for the judge… “No, Your Honor, I down was in Colombia, cause I had taken a landscaping job for a weekend “through a temp agency, I was a kelly girl…” “But down in Bogotá you gotta work naked for some reason.” “It’s a weird costume that they have but I don’t want to complain. I needed to [??]” “So I was bented over a pull start down lawn mower, “and all of a sudden a small dark headed frog, that’s indigenous to the area, “it spread of out the shrubbery and it went fafoom right into my rectum, “and then I went delirious from the toxins in it skin, I blepped out…” “And the next thing I know, “I’m walking trough customs with a condom full of coke in my colon.” And you say: “Same thing happened to me! Not guilty!” And then you go do bumps with the guy. You can make a difference. You just have to find a grift. You don’t live in a free country. You’ve got a flag on your shirt, though. Oh, he’s upside down. You’re fucking sweet. It’s not a free country. You’re born free… I mean, you are born absolutely free, except for the laws of nature. If you drink, you get drunk. That’s a law. If you get old, you die. That’s a law too. If you sit on a tack, you will bleed from the ass. These are the only laws they that you’re born with. And any of government just fucks you out that type of freedom. If you really think you’re free tonight… You, hero! Officer Bob, you’re a free man! You live in a free country! You go upstairs… You take your own beer you risked your life for… You sit on the hood of your monster truck in a parking lot… Drink your beer. And see how long it is before actual vetrine cops come by and pawn on you trundges[??] on the kidneys, to show… “Why can’t I do it? I’m just having a beer.” “I don’t know. That’s the law, you don’t fuck around.” You can’t drive down the street without a seatbelt on, why not? You gotta put on a helmet. You can’t sit in your own backyard naked, your own filthy dirty flesh that you’re born with. You know that body you carry around? “Filthy! You can’t sit out… Why not? I don’t know, that’s just the way it is.” Mother! You’re not free. You’re not free in the least. You need a diploma in this country to cut hair. Are you free? You need to keep your tray in a operate and a locked position during take-off. That’s not just a heck premise, it’s a fucking felony. And the cunt, the hero sky cunt, fucking throw you off the plane as a terrorist for going “Why do I have to have…? This doesn’t make sense.” They say if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish… Then he’s gotta get a fishing license, but he doesn’t have any money. So he’s gotta get a job, and he has to get another Social Security system and pay taxes. And now you gonna audit the poor cocksucker cause he’s not really good with math. He’ll pull the IRS van up to your house. He’ll take all your shit. He’ll take your black velvet Elvis, and your Batman toothbrush and your penis pump… And then all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you, cause you forgot to carry the one. Cause you were just worried about eating a fucking fish. And you couldn’t even cook the fish, cause you needed a permit for an open flame. And then the Health Department is gonna start asking you a lot of questions about where are you gonna dump the scales and the guts. “This is not a sanitary environment.” And ladies and gentlemen, if you get sick of it all at the end of the day… Not even legal to kill yourself in this country. Thanks again, John Ashcroft. You weird bible addict, can’t even handle his own drug. You are born free, got fucked out the half of it. And you’re waving a flag celebrating. “Hey, don’t hold back!” You got an argument? “No, keep going!” the only true freedom that you find is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked. And then you are free to float around the system. Thank you guys very much for coming out tonight. Good night!

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DOUG STANHOPE: BEFORE TURNING THE GUN ON HIMSELF (2012) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-turning-gun-2012-transcript/

Before Turning the Gun on Himself is the eighth stand-up comedy album by Doug Stanhope, released on November 6, 2012, by Roadrunner Records. It was recorded live at The Complex in Salt Lake City, Utah. To Salt Lake, and now please welcome Doug Stanhope. (audience cheers and applauds) Thank you! Thank you very much. Thanks. (man shouts in audience) Yeah, thanks. I just realized I didn’t turn off my cell phone, so I’m gonna just… Fuck it. Fuck it. Don’t call me. Alright. I should have started stronger than this. Ever look in the mirror in the morning and think, “that can’t be accurate.” Oh it’s–that’s off by years, and pounds, and wrinkles, and is that metric? Send that to the front desk and get that recalibrated ’cause that is not–that doesn’t even look like a head anymore. The fuck have I done to myself? (laughter) I’m good at night, don’t worry, It’s just the mornings are fucking rougher. I don’t do nearly as many drugs as I should, then I have the reputation for it, but Mitch Hedberg, you know Mitch Hedberg, right? (cheers and applause) He was a–he was a drug enthusiast. He was a drug connoisseur, and he died. Drugs killed him, but they didn’t ruin his life by any stretch. He really enjoyed–he was good at–he wasn’t someone who Faltered at it. He didn’t wake up, “and oh, shit. I should really work on myself, and I–I need to rethink this.” That guy fucking loved doing drugs the entire time he was Alive, maybe up until that last minute where he went– (gasps) That might have not been as much Fun, but still. And now his family, his Beautiful, beautiful family, and Mary and arne, and if you ever see this, don’t take it personal, but his family set up A Mitch Hedberg charity. It’s a Mitch Hedberg golf tournament to go to support a rehabilitation facility. They took everything that he was about, turned it on its ass. He hated sports. He loved drugs. And you have a fucking charity, sponsoring. It’s like if the guy who died on the luge in the Olympics had his family come out and have a charity pie-eating contest to keep kids out of sports. Stay on the couch, you get fat, kids. It was just everything he was against for everything he loved, and they did that because I guess it would have been too tasteless to have a charity event where you get–actually for a buck a shovel literally dig up his grave and turn him Upside down… And then bury it back. (audience applauds and shouts) His parents are so sweet, and I Was very tentative about Putting that on a dvd, but it’s Such a funny–it’s just–rehab Is just such fraud. It’s just this cottage industry Of nonsense junk science, Fucking Dr. Drew Pinsky should be just–he’s like–I’ve never Done a bit about someone for– You do bits, and you fake anger, And you write a bit, you know, You have passion for it, and Then you do it too many times, And then you have to work up the anger, and I’ve never had to do that when talking about Dr. Drew Pinsky for fucking years. Just hearing his name, this bile comes out of me ’cause it’s– (audience applauds and shouts) It started–if there is a war on drugs, he is the Joseph Goebbels’ propaganda minister of lies, and it started out with just the celebrity rehab, and that was a–it’s a dumb show. But what made it important–Dr. Drew is a real doctor. That’s what you have to keep in Mind. He’s an actual–he’s not a fake Dr. Phil. He’s an actual, went to medical School, has a diploma over his Desk, real doctor spreading this Nonsense, and it started with “celebrity rehab,” which was a Guilty pleasure. It was fun to watch. They, you know, call in all These d-level celebrities. Let them shake off the dts for a couple of days with cameras in Their faces 24/7, and then they’d send them boating with Gary Busey ’cause that’s what a medical professional would tell You to do in that situation, And instead of being stripped of His credentials for this, Instead of being drug out in The street and beaten and tied Shirtless to a telephone pole out front of this place so garage bands could staple flyers to his chest to promote their upcoming gig, and then the other band would draw a dick picture On the thing, and they’d tear that off and put up a new Poster, and eventually Drew Pinsky would die the slow Bleeding death of a thousand Weeping pinhole bleeds. Instead of that happening, what happened is it gave him Credibility. People took him seriously. And that’s what makes you crazy, Is not that these buffoons exist In life, but the fact that it Was–like the Sarah Palins or the Glenn Becks or whoever where you ah–if everyone was Laughing at them, you’d go, “ah, what a–” but when they’re taking–Drew Pinsky now is the Go-to guy for any kind of celebrity, you know, any–any Heath Ledger issue, any fucking Michael Jackson, he’s the guy That the mainstream media goes To. “joining us tonight to talk About one of the coreys that Died. We don’t know which corey. No one really cares. But to discuss the tragedy, Joining us tonight, celebrity rehabilitation expert, Dr. Drew Pinsky, welcome to the show.” You know, first of all, how are You a celebrity rehabilitation expert? How do you get that designation? At what point in medical school did your professor pull you to the side? “Drew, come here a second, I wanna talk to you. Listen, I have been watching your work. I have been watching you poke around the cadavers and do what you do with the smug look on your face. Did anyone ever tell you that you have a keen eye for the rich and famous? You should really go in that direction. I think you have a natural gift to be an ambulance chaser to the stars. You fucking would step over a dozen dying winos in the street just to get to Lindsay Lohan’s bedside to offer unsolicited advice to Charlie Sheen via Twitter as a medical professional is wont to do.” Yeah, yeah, Dr. Drew Pinsky, celebrity rehabilitation expert. It’s like if I were a gynecologist, but I’ve found that I–I specialize in really young, hot… shaved… stinkless pussy. That’s where I found–I just had a knack. It was like a gift from God, just teenage Norwegian pussy is all I really work with anymore because I wanna give back. I wanna give of myself, you puddle of shit. And what they don’t show you, when they’ve–they’re treating this. Remember this is a deadly disease. Addiction is–here it comes again, watch. Ah, ah. This might look like a choice, But it’s not. This is a deadly affliction. Mmm, mmm. There’s no such thing as addiction. I mean on the most minor levels, there are–if you’re a hardcore substance abuser, there is a physical addiction where you might need a medical detox for a few days to–so you don’t seizure up and swallow your tongue. After that, it’s done. Then it’s a choice. It’s right back to a fucking choice. (shudders) whoo! and there’s no such thing as addiction. There’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life, (audience cheers and applauds) And that’s– it’s not just drugs and alcohol, fucking sex addiction, eat too much pie, but, yeah– It’s what you wanna do. And what they don’t show you in any of these shows is–what are you– what do you do with these– you have all these shows exploiting shitheads. You know, “intervention.” “intervention’s” an hour-long show and 52 minutes of it is some fucking stumblebum being followed around by a camera, shitting his pants, puking in trashcans and losing his job because that’s fun to watch. It really is. It’s easily exploitable. That’s why cigarettes–they’re far more dangerous than anything that they show, like an intervention, but you don’t see that episode. There’s not the–the cigarette, because no one wants to watch 52 minutes of a guy going… (laughter) “it’s killing me.” So they have to get the stumblebum just, you know, shitting his pants and knocking over the turkey at his aunt Nancy’s house on thanksgiving morning because you’re trying to drink her mouthwash because it’s fun to watch. But what they don’t ever show you is the cure. If these shows are supposed to be informational and educational, what the fuck do you do? What’s the cure? You show me 52 minutes of the guy fucking up and being hilarious, and then you fast forward through the intervention part ’cause no one wants to watch that. That’s just boring idiot family members reading Hallmark cards they wrote themselves. “you didn’t show up to sherry’s graduation and– ” So what do you–what happened? And the only cure they show– they show–oh yeah, and we flew him to Palo Alto, California for a rehab, and he hasn’t drank since 2007. Well, what did you do there?! That might be a good focal point of the show, is the cure for this deadly disease! What is the cure, Dr. Drew? Tell me what you’re gonna do with Charlie Sheen if you get him. How do you fucking cure these people? All you do is show me, you know, boating with Gary Busey. What’s the cure? “Well, we get them involved in A–we put him in a rehab.” Well, what do you do in the rehab? “well, it’s a–it’s a treatment.” Well, what is the fucking treatment? “Well, we get them involved in a program.” Stop with the buzz words and tell me what exactly is the cure! “Oh, the cure specifically is– (coughs) uh, God.” What? What? “Yes… (coughs) God.” That’s what you do? That’s all I do. All these rehabs, all they do is funnel you into a 12-step program, AA and the like, and any 12-step program is a God-based program. It’s like seven of the 12 steps are about God and giving your life to God. You’re a fucking medical doctor with a diploma over your desk. You treat one thing and one thing only, and the only cure you have for it is God? Even your religious friends do not wanna hear about God during a medical diagnosis. It’s the last word you ever wanna hear from a doctor. “You know, doc, my fucking lymph nodes are swollen out of my neck. I look like a bullfrog. I’m shitting blood with clumps in it. I can’t keep food down.” “Ooh, sounds like someone needs a higher power.” (audience cheers and applauds) “Can’t we do some blood work first, series of antibiotics, get a cat scan?” “No, get on your knees and pray, faggot.” You’re a doctor? “Yeah, I’m on TV, too.” (laughter) AA makes Scientology look Credible. It’s–it’s at least– Scientology or any fucking Mormons or Christians or Muslims, at least the major cult Religions have a consistent Dogma where AA is so splatter Shot and made up on the fly. AA tells you to make up your own God if you don’t already have a God. The big book of AA–I grew up In AA, and I believed all this Shit was true. My mother was in AA, so as a kid Doing homework in the back of Meetings listening to this shit. There’s a chapter to the Agnostic in the big book, their Bible, and you’d go oh, oh Chapter to the agnostic, this Will teach you how to use this Program as a reasonable grown-up Adult human being. No, they don’t do that. No, the chapter to the agnostic Tells you how to stop being Agnostic and start believing in A little bit of god, you Stubborn little fella. You gotta believe in him. And it tells you if you don’t Already have a god, make up your Own, and you go, “I’m a drunk. I can’t even make up a good Excuse for why I pissed in the Sock drawer last night.” This is probably– (audience cheers and applauds) Probably–probably not a good Time for me to be creating Omnipotent deities that I will Lay my life down before for the Rest. you’re our god, Doug. me a god, yes, yes, and you Are my fucking Satan. First step of aa, you have to Admit that you’re powerless over Alcohol and that your life has Become unmanageable, and then They go onto the next step Which you have to turn your life And your will over to a power Higher than yourself. And you go, “I was a Freethinking atheist coming Into this bullshit, but since I Went along with you on that First step on a goof where I’m Powerless over alcohol, I guess Then by default, alcohol would Have to be my only higher power, So… (audience cheers and applauds) I’ll go with the–I’ll go with Vodka, I guess. If I am to be a monotheist and Pick just one, I will go with Vodka. It’s a good all occasions. It mixes well in the morning With a nice citrus beverage. Makes a good Christmas drink With neighbor dave and evil e. The people say, well, what’s– You know, what’s the big deal?” And by people, I mean all you shitheads on my Facebook page That every time I say something Anti-AA or pro-Charlie Sheen Or anti dr. Drew– “Stanhope, I’m normally with you On, you know, most of everything You say, but you really–you’re Off the–off the mark on this. Drug abuse is a really serious Problem. It’s a serious issue. So what’s the problem if someone Has to believe in a higher power To get them through?” That’s not the problem! The problem is when a medical Professional who is on every Goddamn night on the fucking News is telling you, you have a Disease that’s not a disease, And he’s telling you the cure is a god that doesn’t exist. It’s a big fucking problem. What’s your problem? What’s your problem? So what? It’s a problem. It’s a problem of the earth. I got bladder cancer and you’re Applying leeches instead of Doing research. (laughter) It’s a huge problem. I have comics that will call me Up because of the economy, like, “dude, how you doing on the Road out there? You getting beat up? Like, how–” You go like, I drink as much As I ever drank, yeah. I feel like shit physically, but I’m not like–I’m not in agony But I feel lethargic for years, Or decade maybe. It’s just my piss stinks. That’s not normal. I was in fucking anchorage for a Summer solstice at Becker’s House, outside I’m pissing on a Pine tree, and they’re having a Barbecue. I’m like 20 yards away pissing on a pine tree, and my buddy Billy, bad fireman says, “dude, is that your piss?” You could smell my piss? He’s like, “god damn it, what’s wrong with you?” I don’t–I don’t know. I don’t know. My kidneys are fucking defective? I don’t know. Taking a leak on a tree in the Great wilderness of Alaska should not be a “who farted?” situation. So maybe–yeah, maybe I’m Getting beat up, like, my Internal organs. I shit. I shit a lot during the day, but I always–I mean like ten times, But not a lot of product. They’re just like clumps, and It comes out in a consistency. If it’s not just sheer liquid, It’s like thick mud. Do you ever see history channel, And you’re watching like g.I.’s In world war ii trying to push a Jeep out of deep mud and it’s Just that like packed–it’s like Soft-serve ice cream. It comes out like that, but not A lot at a time. It’s just–it’s almost like a– And I don’t know if my organs Are just–I’m way too fat in the Middle to–for as little as I Eat. I just–it’s just in the middle Part is always bloated, so I Don’t know if my organs from all The drinking, or the liver and Kidneys are swelling up and Pushing against the Gastrointestinal tract and Making it hard for the shit to Get–like shit has to push its Way through like a–like an Offensive line, a fourth and one, it’s just–so you gotta– You don’t have to get the whole Football over the line, just get A piece over the line and we– Touchdown. And then my friend the comic on The other line will say, “no, I meant beat up like ticket sales. How does–how is–like the Economy is all in the rubbish and–” Oh, sorry about that whole Soliloquy about my chewing- Tobacco loads of dumps that I Take. Yeah, tickets are fine. If you wanna feel bad for Someone in a down-turned Economy, I’ll give you someone. Prostitutes, because a Prostitute doesn’t have that Same worst-case scenario b-plan That we all enjoy. No matter how shitty things are Going for you on the job. “Danny, if they lay off any more People, I’m gonna be out on the Street sucking dicks for a living. I got nothing else. I’m serious.” Hooker doesn’t have that same Safety net. Hookers are already out there Sucking dicks. Here is a hooker jugging a cock, A fucking sour-milk-smelling Cock behind a dumpster right now And she’s staring up at your Office building thinking, “they Lay off any more people, more People gonna be out here sucking Dicks, it’s gonna be a buyer’s Market. More people out here sucking Dicks. I’m gonna have to start doing Anal just to compete in the Marketplace. Woman my age shouldn’t have to Do anal. I ain’t built right for it no More. I gotta do exercises in the Morning. I do squat thrusts, trying to Strengthen up my shit pussy in Case this whole thing goes Bust. I’m doing ass kegels every Morning. You can’t afford to get all Loosey-goosey down in your ass Pussy, not in this economy. If you get baggy in your shit Pussy, you’d be tonguing ass for A living. That ain’t proper work for no Human being. If you tongue ass, you gotta get Up early, sugar. Set your alarm clock and get Down to construction site before The boys in the orange vests Show up and wait for them. Take all the toilet paper out, Wait for them to take that Gravely good morning and Starbucks shit. You hear them scratching around On the fiberglass. You go, ‘there ain’t no toilet Paper in there, sugarplum, but I’ll clean you out real good for 25 dollars.’ That ain’t no way for a Human being to make a living. You call that getting the blood Diamond. Get in here and get the blood Diamond. Where amnesty international Now? If you do anal, you gotta watch Your diet. Can’t–can’t eat no more gummy Bears, no more licorice whips. Can’t swallow your gum. No more canned cheese. Gotta eat triscuit wafers, get Fiber in your diet. You gotta keep regular, Princess. If you’re gonna have regular clientele, you gotta be regular in your ass pussy. You can’t get baggy in your shit Pussy in a bad economy. This whole motherfucking economy built on a house of cards. First of all, you gotta get this Shit, get that federal reserve Back on a gold standard. What the fuck is that? We got government printing off Fiat currency. You’re building a whole Motherfucking house of cards. It’s a charade fiat currency. The consumer gotta understand That the currency only have as Much value as the consumer Have faith in the currency, you Gotta back that shit up with Precious metal, buttface. Fuck Keynesian economic Philosophy. That’s what I’m saying to you, Angela. Fuck Keynes and his philosophy. Dig up that dead jew Milton Friedman. He’s a Nobel peace prize winner, motherfucking economic major. You dig up that dead jew. Ask Milton Friedman, dead jew corpse, what he thinks about the current economic crisis, and he Would tell you, ‘you better Strengthen up your shit pussy, Baby, ’cause this whole economy Is going down.’ Sometimes I carry a little baby Carrot in my asshole when I walk The street, and I just suckle on That motherfucker.” (laughter) Don’t you like how I made that Urban hooker real smart at the End? She was a fucking–she was Saying shit I don’t even Understand. I need a fucking black cock. I need a–is there a–is there Any black cock in here? Hey, can we do that when we edit This out? When we edit this, just like Don’t even use this audience, Just smash cut to the, like a Martin Lawrence show audience, It’s just all-black people just Laughing hysterically at me? ’cause that looks so much Cooler, and people would be, “I Don’t know he was like– I guess he’s a big, like, urban Act, this doug stanhope.” But I need a picture of a black Cock, if you have a–if there’s Black cock in here and you want A model after this show. I mean–this is–wasn’t even a Bit when I first started asking. It was a serious– I need a picture of me with a Fat black cock just slapped Across my open mouth, sideways, Like, ahhh. Like a fucking bratwurst, A at packer tailgating– Ahhh! It doesn’t have to be giant. It’s just sizeable. It has to be photogenic Veiny black cock. Your face doesn’t have to be in It. Just–we can crop that out. Just me, ahhh. I have a picture I keep in my Wallet of my father’s corpse. My father died in 2001. He was just a fat nice guy. He died at 73. He had colon cancer. It had just fucking tore him Apart. He was a fat nice guy. He was always nice, and he made Blueberry pancakes, and he Didn’t have opinions, he just Smiled, and he’s fat, and then, He was down to like 78 pounds, And I have a picture of me Kissing him on the forehead, Moments after he died. I’m all full of fucking tears. And I keep that picture in my Wallet to show people who show Me baby pictures. (laughter and applause) “oh, you see. Did you know I had a baby? Look at this.” You go, “oh, you had a baby. Well, this is–this is how that Ends. This is what–this is what you Made. That’s what you made. Did you consider that before you Had that hubris to fucking just Create people without their Consent? Because that’s gonna be your Corpse one day, and that’ll be Your crying child not Understanding why someone who’s Done nothing but be really nice To people has to be fucking Raped to death with shit cancer By nature like that, and then it Will be your baby’s corpse with A gray death mask, and when you Touch their cheeks, all the cold Drool that’s built up in their Open mouth spills onto your Hand. Do you want a copy?” And that’s why–that’s why I Want the black cock photo to go As a companion piece. Ahhh. Because I use the word “faggot” Very liberally and I never Attach sexuality to it. It’s just a fun word of Weakness, and it’s happy. I love homosexuality. I promote it. You fuck and you don’t leave Fucking garbage on the earth Because of it. You know, fucking nothing. I don’t have to look at pictures Of the results. Yeah, fucking homosexuality. I fucking–I support Wholeheartedly, and I use the Word “nigger” when nigger’s the Appropriate word, like, or if I’m just quoting Mel Gibson. I’m not gonna say, “oh, and then He said I hope you get raped by A pack of n-words.” No, it’s fucking nigger. It’s a sound you can make with Your mouth and fucking get over It. If you’re offended by any word In any language, it’s probably Because your parents were unfit To raise a child. They were too stupid. They should have been neutered Because all it is a sound you Can make with your mouth that You shouldn’t be–it’s not a Weakness that you have Naturally. When you come out of that pink Ugly hole onto this planet, You’re nothing but a gooey Shrieking wrinkled ball of Weakness. That’s all you are. You’re just weak. You’re nothing but weak, and Your parents look at that, and They think not weak enough. We can make this thing even Weaker by training it Pavlovian To react poorly to different Sounds that you can make with Your mouth. We’ll list them up. This is the worst thing. If anyone ever says this sound, Blah la, la la la, That’s the worst thing they can Call you, so make sure to recoil And cry and be hurt and Devastated and eat ice cream on A couch for days and then write A song about it. You wouldn’t do that otherwise. You’d just be happier if your Parents didn’t fuck it up with Their stupid–you’d just be a Happier person. I could just walk right up to You and go, “hey, cunt,” and You’d go, “no, I’m Rebeca, But I guess I have a face that Looks like a lot of different People. What’s your name? Welcome to Salt Lake.” But your parents ruined that, And that’s a–I just need a Fucking picture of the fucking Giant black cock and me just Feasting on it with fucking Magic in my eyes. Ahhh. That way people get upset. You know, if you say faggot, and You say it’s just a sound, but You know what? If you grew up with an Alternative lifestyle like I Did, and you were taunted on a Schoolyard, and you go, “hang On, sugarplum, look right here, Just look at that picture. You relaxed now?” Ah… See? Can I just– Because I don’t care. “nigger” is just, yo, you think That’s–you’re edgy to throw That around, and you know, but You don’t–the history of Hatred with that word, you go, “hang on, look right here. Look, do you know what black Cock tastes like? Then why don’t you study your Roots a little bit more like I Did? And in the meantime, back off.” Who is the faggot nigger now, Huh? Who is the faggot nigger now? (crowd whistles and applauds) Have you ever considered Registering as a sex offender Just so you have a legitimate excuse for why your friends can’t bring their stupid children over to your house? That’s all it would take. That’s all it would take. I never thought–oh wait, that’s So easy. I’d just put myself on a web Site somewhere. And then your friend calls up, “yeah, you’re having a Monday Night football party, shit, Yeah, I wanna come. I got custody this week though. You don’t mind if I bring jimmy Junior and the baby, do you?” You go, “oh, yeah, Jim, I’d love to see the kids. You know they’re a treasure at Every party, but, uh, I had an Incident years back, and now I’m on a watchdog site, so why don’t you just leave those kids locked In a hot car and you bring beer Like anyone else would do at a party?” Who thinks that’s okay? “plus I’m a huge saints fan, and I might fuck the shit out of your kids if they’re ahead at Half-time because I’m real superstitious, so, yeah, you bring cold beer like anyone else Would do.” Because we moved to a small town In Arizona. We live in a town–Bisbee, Arizona. It’s a beautiful little town, 6,000 people on the Mexican Border. It’s far away from anything And anyone, but you have to, Like, be polite to people. It’s not like here, “fuck you Faggots,” and I run out the Backdoor, and I don’t come back For two years and– And people do, they’ll just Bring their children to a party. They don’t even ask. Like who would think that’s okay To bring kids? It’s like you’ve invited me to Your wedding, and I go, “just Brought chickens with me. I got a pen full of chickens. I won’t even ask. I’ll just bring them and assume That’s okay. “I brought my chickens. Yeah, congratulations. Yeah, they squawk and peck and– But they won’t hurt anyone They’ll just fucking bring this Whole shindig down.” So you try to be polite, Passive-aggressive, “oh yeah, You you might not wanna bring Your kids to this party. There’ a lot of my comic friends Are gonna be here. It gets out of control. And then they’d think you’re Worried about their kids. No, I’m worried about my party, Asshole. “oh, come on, don’t worry about The kids. They’ve heard every word in the Book.” Yeah, except for fuck off, they Haven’t heard those words often Enough ’cause it’s a party, man. “put them in a corner, they’ll Entertain themselves.” Yeah, while they irritate Everybody else. It’s partying. My friends are doing fucking Rails of prescription drugs They’ve chopped up, crush a Giant line of adderall, and they Snort it off a coffee table and Get to the end, and then your Fucking pie-faced kids playing With a goddamn choo-choo train. “ah! Oh! Ah! I wanna go home.” It’s a buzz kill. It’s horrific. That’s the only drugs to do in Bisbee. It’s kind of a dry town. Drugs come through Bisbee, That’s what’s fucked up. We’re on the Mexican border Where they have border patrol, National guard, minutemen, Militias, trying to stop the Flow of aliens and drugs coming Through, but all those drugs are coming through, they don’t stop. I’d lived there six years. It’s the driest place I’ve ever Seen. So I can–there’s no weed if You–I don’t smoke it, Occasionally, but there’s blow That’s torn apart and stepped On. It’s like a 3-2-blow. Hey, little local, gotcha, huh? A little local gotcha. Hey, I’m so clever. Here’s a big night in Bisbee. Sometimes I’ll take two Xanax And two laxatives at bedtime, And I’ll play chicken in my sleep. That’s a thrill ride. That’s a hometown thrill ride Because it’s kind of like three Highs at once, because it starts Out as a downer, turns into Gambling… Wakes up as a huge amphetamine, Like, “oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.” You do that on the road, it’s Not really a risk ’cause that’s Not really your bed. But you do that at the house in Your own tempur-pedic, you wake Up with a jolt. “ah, oh, oh, oh, oh.” Won again, I won again. Double or nothing? Sometimes in Bisbee, I’ll take two Xanax and two laxatives, and I’ll play chicken in my sleep. I’ll play chicken in my sleep. I’ll play chicken in my sleep. I’ll take two ex-lax, two Xanax, play chicken in my sleep. I’ll play chicken in my sleep. I’ll play chicken in my sleep. I’m just trying to point out to You how lazy songwriters are. You overrated, do-nothing, Over-celebrated, lazy Motherfucker. You have three minutes to fill a Song, and you sing the same shit Over and over and over. I have to do an hour and 10 Minutes up here, every word has To be different. They all have to go in one Direction. They can’t be open to Interpretation because they Don’t make sense, and they’re Kooky. Yes, and I get dick, you get fucking Grammy awards, and Accolades, and pussy, and I Get–I get a hot shot of Jagermeister for my trouble. You got three minutes. Yes, sally has to slow the Mustang down, I understand that. What’s the rest of the story? You already said it once. It’s a chorus. No, it’s sloth. Write a fucking song. I’ve–I’ve grown such a palpable distaste or distrust of artists. Artists–and keep in mind, when I say I don’t like artists, Remember I–anything that I Don’t understand or can’t do is stupid… (audience cheers) Whatever it is. Roller skating, faggy, it’s because I can’t barely stand up On shoes, much less skates. Yeah, everything–so art is Stupid to me anyway ’cause I don’t–but artists, we–we Live in an artist community. I’ve found that artists can generally be as self-righteous And humorless and intolerant as Even the fucking religious Right. They can be a huge bucket of cunts. They’re fucking awful– “no, that’s not– ” And that’s why we moved to Bisbee, it’s an artist community. I had to get the fuck out of L.A. I have been to this town a bunch Of times. It’s a cool beautiful little Town, and I’d go, “oh, and it’s An artist community.” I’m an impulse buy kind of guy, “so alright, let’s just go,” and We moved there, like yeah, Bought a house, no turning back. It turns out my art doesn’t Really fit in the whole cog and Gears of an artist community. I don’t–I’m an artist, too, and It’ll be fun, and we’ll live with other kind of artsy– “no, not you.” If you can imagine an arts Fair, and then imagine my booth. So–so it doesn’t–doesn’t Really kind of mesh, and you try To like “oh, you’re an artist Too? I just moved into town. What–what kind of art? Oh, you make turquoise belt Buckles. Oh, I’m an artist as well. Maybe we can hang out. Right now I’m working on a piece About how a lot of the corpses from that Japanese tsunami that got swept out to sea when they washed up days and weeks later, they kind of looked Korean, which is weird because that’s basically the major difference between, and I think that Asian women are the most beautiful women on the planet. Pound for pound, per capita, Asian women are the most beautiful, except for the ugly ones, they’re just– Oh, but they are more pretty per Person, and that–and that’s the Major difference between the Japanese and the Korean is that The Japanese have more of an Angular feature where the Korean Has a more like a swollen boxy Bucket head like it’s soaked in Saltwater for a long time, but still beautiful, beautiful Nonetheless. I think they’re–and I’m not sexualizing them either. When I say that Asian women are beautiful, it’s not a sexual thing. I’m not being degrading. I find them sexually repulsive because I–I don’t like that Whole subservient, ah-ha-ha-ha. Have you ever seen Japanese shit porn where they, Ah-ha-ha-ha? You know, the picture with the girl upside down in the tub with the geyser of shit coming out. I don’t know. I don’t know how much time you spend on the internet. Not trying to be an internet snob. Don’t like them. I’ll fucking occasionally find a Picture like that and send it out on the fucking news feeds, On the twitters, and all that, And then people will go, “that’s Like 2005.” You go, it’s the fucking Internet, faggot. It’s like 8 billion channels. Don’t act like it’s 1983, and I Just found Mork & Mindy. Alright? Yeah, it’s fucking the internet. But yeah, the Asian women, not Sexualizing them, they’re gross. I like more of a German Dominatrix-y, like mean–you Fucking tongue out my fucking Unwashed ass, you fucking fat Faggot, not ha-ha-ha. I’m not degrading Japanese women By it. I’m not sexualizing them. I’m saying they have gungy Cunts, too. That’s another thing. If you look like– High-definition ruined a lot of Things that I used to hold Sacrosanct in pornography, and a Japanese vagina is one of them Because, yeah, with that kind Of clarity, it’s a–it tends to Be like jaundiced around the Edges. You know how overweight people’s Inner thighs get when they rub Together, they become Discolored. A Japanese vagina is a really Gungy looking, and the hair– It’s not a–you know, not too Much hair, but the hair that’s There is always matted. When you have the perfect Porcelain skin of a china doll, That’s no place for the random Black wiry ass hair of a rodent. It’s just–it just sticks out Like a bed spring. So I’m not sexualizing them. I’m saying they’re beautiful as People like art. They’re beautiful like art. And I’m working on an art piece About how maybe that’s how the Korean culture started is Japanese people swimming away From an evil emperor across the Sea of japan and then drowning Right close to the shores of Korea and then becoming Korea, Which doesn’t make sense because Dead people can’t procreate, but That’s why I’m talking to you as An artist, maybe we can help Each other. I’ll talk to you about your belt Buckles, throw in–spitball Some ideas, maybe put a third Piece of turquoise on the belt Buckle, make it a triangle. It’ll kind of look like the State of Texas. You could probably sell more in This area, and you might say to Me, “hey, tone down on the gungy Cunts of the jap–japaniards,” And together we could become Better artists, but instead of That, they just stare at me Blankly and never call back. (laughter and applause) So it’s–it’s– It’s a trying place, the artist community, but we have a big Fence. Again, I am gonna put that in There for later for continuity Reasons. Artists who say that they’re Artists are usually people who Need a job. Like if you ask, what do you do? And they say, “I’m an artist,” Rather than just say what the Fuck they do, it’s because they Do an art no one really wants to See, and it’s kind of a–it’s a Shit bag trick because it forces You to act like you’re Interested. If I say, what do you do? It’s because I’m in a pinch, I Have nothing else to say. What do you do? Now you say I’m an artist which Forces me, puts the onus on me To act like I’m interested in Art by saying, “oh really? What type of art?” Which is invariably something no One wants to see. Oh I’m a playwright. Oh yeah, that needs to be done Over and over again. You know we have movies now. They took the place of plays. They’re not two separate things. We’ve made movies ’cause plays Suck and we could make movies All of a sudden, ’cause a play Is an awkward thing to watch. Have you ever seen a play? Is there anything more Embarrassing and fucking filthy To sit through? I don’t like any form of live Entertainment where there is a Fourth wall, where you pay $150 For a front row Broadway tickets, and I have some asshole Who pretends you’re not here, While I pretend to drive a Motorboat or I fence with a guy. That’s rude. whoo! I’m– “we’re belly dancers.” Oh, good. Yeah, well, how does that work Again, the belly dancing? Oh, when we took titty dancing, Removed all the fun and Sexuality, and replaced it with Jangly clangy things that scare The shit out of your dogs. We’re belly dancers.” No, you’re fat girls. Put on a robe, alright? Come on. I don’t have anything near a 6-pack myself, but I’m not gonna Throw wind chimes on a beer gut And call it free expression. Artist communities love to Bullshit each other and Glad-hand one another, and There’s no room for the fucking Crippling honesty of comedy. “I’m a painter.” Well, you don’t probably need to do that. At some point, yeah, you had to paint to–yeah, cavemen did That because they didn’t have a Word for a fucking “arrow” and “deer.” If you’re painting something That doesn’t exist, I understand That. I can appreciate, like, Salvador Dali shit, like melting clocks. I’m a tripper. I don’t see melting clocks a Lot. That’s something I can stare at. But if you’re painting–oh it’s a barnyard seen in autumn. Well, then just take a picture Of a barn in autumn. It’s way better than a Painting. “well, you just don’t appreciate It because you’re shallow.” You have to look at all the Detail that the artist put into Every tiny brushstroke. Well, look at the detail in 9 Billion megapixels on a fucking Camera. Someone worked their ass off to Make that fucking computer chip, Some woman in Hong Kong with a diamond glass trying to put a Chip together with all those Megapixels, she’s as much of an Artist as you. She doesn’t get a gallery Showing every Friday and get to Grow out her armpit hair without Explanation. What about her? What about her? (audience cheers and applauds) I really don’t like art with a message unless the message is crystal clear. It doesn’t–if you have a Message that really needs to be Said, just fucking say it. Don’t hide it in indecipherable Lyrics, fucking sculpture. It’s a play, and there’s Subtext. Fucking say it ’cause the people Who need to hear messages are Dumb as shit. The masses of humanity are dumb As shit, and you’re really just Pandering to your friends. Say what the fuck you mean. Just say it, title the song, Eat more leafy greens. Yeah, give a hoot, don’t Pollute. It’s as much message in art Combined ’cause I get that. It’s a poem, but I’m pretty sure You’re saying don’t pollute. But if you have something– “ooh I have the cure for cancer, And I have hidden it in this Rubik’s cube.” Just fucking say it. Art with a message. ’cause I don’t care anymore. Like I used to have some type of Social relevance in my act, and There was a point where I–I Really gave a shit about stuff To a–to a point where it was Ruining my life. And I guess like 10 years ago I Thought well, yeah, you know, I’m gonna – I’m gonna change the World. I’m gonna talk about stuff. In 20 years of comedy, I’ve Probably had a dozen good points That I reflect on and go, That was actually a really Fucking good piece, and it Really–it had a point that Made sense, but the whole Changing the world thing never Really kicked in. The revolution I was starting Where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night And change the world, yeah, it Didn’t–didn’t quite happen, Like Egypt and Syria. Yeah. And it’s–it’s frustrating, Because you do a bit, and then You’d go, “oh, that’s fucking Really good, and then it just– The problem is still there. And someone will say, “oh, Abortion’s back in the news.” And you go, “why? I already solved that on a 2004 Release. How can it possibly still exist? I’ve yelled at thousands of drunk people about that. Maybe I’ll rewrite it and Repackage it.” It gets frustrating as shit Where you’re like I don’t care. Fuck it. Fuck everyone. It’s just frustrating as if you live in a world full of starving People where occasionally you Could point out food that no one else seemed to notice, for a Living, where you go on stage And you’d go, “did you ever Notice there’s a plate of Nachos right over there?” And people would go, “oh, he’s So right, there is a plate of Nachos. I never noticed that.” But instead of eating them, They shove them up their noses And assholes for entertainment Value and get no nutrition out Of it even though they’re fucking starving to death. And it’s not just the audience Or the world, even my own social Circle, people who fucking– “Doug, you know, what you said About gay marriage, that was Right on the money. Marriage itself is an antiquated Institution. It has no place in a progressive Society. It has nothing that anyone needs To do. I’m still getting married on Saturday though ’cause Janice Doesn’t really–yeah, she Doesn’t get your act. She doesn’t think you’re funny, So we’re getting married, but It’s a really good point though. And what you said–that one Thing you said, overpopulation. You’re right, Doug. You’re not really funny anymore, But you’re right. What you said about Overpopulation, most of the World’s problems are based on Overpopulation. There’s just too many god damn People. We’re still gonna have the baby ’cause Janice’s biological clock Is ticking, and plus we live in A gated community. It’s not really overpopulation If you’re gonna afford to send It to a Montessori school is My take, but it’s right– What you’re doing is a good Thing, and you should keep doing It, and don’t die on us. What you said about drugs, You’re right on the money, Doug. Drugs, I never thought of it Like that. It’s a private property issue. All drugs should be legal ’cause Your body is your own private Property. You own your own meat. If you own nothing else in the World, you own the fucking meat That’s packing your bones. Yeah, so all the drugs – yeah, It doesn’t matter what it is. Drugs, to fucking, just put a Needle in your arm, tattoo Yourself, pierce yourself, Fucking eat cheese sandwiches, Throw cheese sandwiches down Your top hatch till you’re so Fat you have to pay for two Seats on southwest airlines. That’s your prerogative ’cause You own your own meat. Do whatever you want to it. Drink yourself silly. You find something living Rent free in your uterus, evict That motherfucker. This is private property. There’s no squatter’s rights. Pay rent or quit. That’s a good point, Doug. Drugs should be your own Prerogative, whatever it is, Huffing a gassy rag, that’s What you wanna do, except for Heroin ’cause that’s what killed Hedberg. That’s what we really need the Federal government to come in And stop this, and I can’t Understand why I’m so fucking Thirsty all the time. I’m–you’re so right. You’re so right. I just don’t listen. I just don’t listen.” (audience cheers and applauds) So I just don’t give a shit Anymore. That’s what I do for a living. I try to write more fist-fuck Jokes and enjoy myself more. It doesn’t matter. We ain’t winning shit. I got on–I get to a point Where, like, my act was making My entire life miserable where It’s just–and it’s still not Good, but it’s–I just hate Everything and fuck it, it’s so Dumb. Doesn’t anyone see how dumb this Is? Like some people go, “isn’t The world a crazy place?” And they’re fine with that. And I’m like, “this is fucked Up. This is really fucked up. We’re like dark ages people, and I’m not even smart. And that’s the most terrifying Part when you realize I’m not Even a bright person, but I’m Still probably in the top 3% Of the smartest people on this Planet, and I’m pretty Fucking dumb. And you go, “how alone are we?” And then you go, “I don’t give A shit.” At one point, you go, “44.” I’m way closer to dead than I Am life of the party, and I don’t have children, so why am I getting so enraged about all this nonsense? I don’t care. I don’t care getting all upset About the fucking planet. I’m gone pretty soon. I left no litter behind. That’s your problem. I’m treating this planet like The fucking rental car that it Is, and I’m turning it in Trashed with a bumper hanging Off, fuck your insurance, fuck The environment, I didn’t ask to Be here. (audience cheers and applauds) Someone created me. Yes, I know that’s a selfish Thing. It’s a selfish thing. But you know what? I’ve cared about other stuff, And, yeah, me not caring about Stuff, well, affect it as much As me caring about stuff, which Is none. I just wanna close strong. I wanna–I wanna have a great closer. As a comic, I want to have a Great closing bit. I want to have a great closing Bit for my career. Once I find that bit, I can stop Yelling about stuff and slink Off. I don’t care if I have to Fucking whatever for a living. we love you anyway. who do we got to kill? who do you have to kill? No. The closer, the closing bit– Last year at sea world, a killer whale leapt out of the tank And grabbed its trainer by the Head and pulled her underwater, And ate her at the end of a live Performance. I don’t know that it was the scheduled end of the show, But on that night they decided to close on it. It leapt up, grabbed her ponytail, pulled her underwater, and chewed on her for quite some time. ’cause it’s a fucking killer whale. You can’t give it the hook like It’s vaudeville, like, na na na na-na wa No. They had to let it go. And I read that story with such palpable envy ’cause that’s everything I want to bring to stage. That story–like, if I could find some parallel closing bit, I would never do comedy again ’cause that’s everything I wanna present to an audience is it’s inherently hilarious, but it’s got a sense of horror, and it’s just a horrifying–but it – There’s an unmistakable message and justice within because First of all, you’re not a killer whale trainer. You didn’t call yourself and dress up in the spandex like a killer whale. You’re not a killer whale trainer because from my limited knowledge of marine biology, killer whales come out previously trained. They’re already perfect killer whales unless you’re trying to train them to do backflips for fucking sardines and to dance on their tails which they don’t do naturally. You’re training them to be fucking circus monkeys and–by withholding a food source. You’re not a trainer. You’re a fuck-with-er. You fuck with killer whales. That’s what you do. You take away their food until they do unnatural acts and then you call yourself a– you can say, “oh, no, she did a lot of hard work, and the research they did because of the Sea world. She could follow their mating habits and help them proliferate in the wild when they’re a dwindling species,” and you go, “yeah, you could do that regardless without making them dance on their tails ’cause they’re starving for a fucking fish. You could’ve done it without fucking with them. So don’t tell me they did a lot of good work ’cause you could have done that without the–fuck with them. That’s like if I went to Somalia right now, worst drought in 60 Years, I picked up a dozen kids that were starving to death and brought them over here to help them. But first, I paraded them out on stage for a matinee show and drug a wiener on a string till they jumped through a series of burning hoops, and then at the end I made them present and stand and jump on their tippy toes to get the hotdog, and they go– ta-da you wouldn’t call me a trainer. You’d call me an asshole, and you would clap and applaud wildly when they turned on me And ate my head in front of the Fucking sold-out show. (audience cheers and applauds) And that’s everything I’m Jealous of. When I find that in the closing Bit ’cause that’s a serious Closer. That’s a closer because anyone Who was at that live performance Will never be able to enjoy live Entertainment again. Nothing will ever top what they Saw, and no one can ever top Their story. I was at Monterrey when fucking Hendrix lit his guitar on fire, And he was on acid, and I was on acid, and everyone was on acid, And ahh! Oh, yeah? Yeah. I was at– (chuckles) I was at sea world. I was at sea world last February Where I watched a killer whale Chew on its trainer’s head in Front of a glass, in front of screaming children with their Parents trying to cover their Eyes, recoiling in horror, Heading for the exits, but still Having to stop and watch for over 35 minutes. So yeah, no, I don’t wanna go See your friend Danny play Flamenco guitar at the vip Lounge. I gotta go. I’ll be–I’ll be back. (audience cheers and applauds) I shall return. Thanks, have a good night. What, the bottle? Yeah, no, I’ll do that. I’m gonna drink–the lady Bought me the beer, and then the Other lady said, “I’m gonna Drink it. I’m gonna drink some and then I’ll get a bottle, how’s That? (in high-pitched voice) Don’t wait to get drinks. She’ll just get chattier if I Don’t…Here, have this drink. (laughter) It’s easier than fucking you. I’m just saying. I ought to be offended by That. you should be offended by That? yes. no, I said you weren’t easy To fuck, which you should be Offended by ’cause fucking Should be something that comes Easy. Fucking is not something you Should build your life around. Easier than giving you the Disease by fucking you– what makes you think– my girlfriend is retarded, But she could explain this joke to you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

LEWIS BLACK: BLACK TO THE FUTURE (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lewis-black-black-future-2016-full-transcript/

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the one and only, Mr. Lewis Black! [APPLAUSE] A survey from Public Policy Polling revealed recently that 13% of potential voters would prefer to have a giant meteor crash into the Earth and destroy civilization than to see either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump in the White House. [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] Thank you… and good night. Seriously, what– what need more be said? Thirteen percent. That’s not a small amount of people. That’s a lot of people saying, “[expletive] kill me.” This has been the longest election cycle of my lifetime, and it began, I believe, sometime during the middle of World War II. I truly believe that by the time we actually have to vote, I will be unable to make it to the door. I will have been sapped of my will to live. The only good thing that has come out of this election cycle, quite honestly, is that it has made time seem longer. [APPLAUSE] I’ve been noting with interest the fact that really none of the candidates, none who ran, and the two that are now really left standing, and none of our leaders, have any concept whatsoever of what to do about ISIS, and let me just say, oddly enough, I do. [LAUGHTER] I know it would seem strange that I, someone of a limited military background… would understand this, and let’s note that I had three years of service in the Cub Scouts. I did three USO tours: Iraq and Afghanistan during Christmas, and I learned a great deal from that. Twenty-one days, I know more than any of these people. Many of them– many of them have said that we must bomb ISIS back to the Stone Age. Obviously, they have never spent time there. I’ve been to Ramadi, I’ve been in Fallujah. They are… already in the Stone Age. What are you gonna do? Bomb them until they’re dinosaurs? I realized what to do when the blizzard last year was coming to New York City. And just as a side note, when a blizzard or a hurricane is coming to anywhere in the United States, every weather person must be given a rabies shot. [LAUGHTER] These [expletive], they’re out of control! Seriously! It’s not a blizzard and an asteroid shower, asshole! It’s snow! It hits your hand. It melts. So, as the blizzard was coming, and throughout the entire winter, I took note of the fact that there was no mention of ISIS whatsoever. They disappeared. And it was then that I realized that ISIS is afraid of snow. [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] So I feel, as winter comes, and the snows form, that we get out there and shovel them, and we get them as quickly as we can to every Air Force base possible, and we bomb the shit out of them with snow. Because even in Atlanta, they don’t know how to drive in the snow. [APPLAUSE] To be honest, having spent this year watching what’s going on, I have no idea what my– um, my job is anymore. Everyone in this room already has 30 Trump jokes that are probably better than any one that I thought of. What the [expletive] do you need me for? I should have just come out and gone, “Tada!” I’ve always felt that my job was to be truly crazier than what I see. That’s what differentiates me from other comics, that I am crazier than what I see. Ballgame’s over. [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] The first inkling I had of this was when I, um… I heard Ben Carson speak for the first time. When you’re listening to someone, and as you listen to them, you begin to think, “Did I take a drug?” Something’s wrong. But I believe we have something to learn from Ben Carson, especially those of you who work in an office. There’s probably a douche bag you’re working with, your boss is, no doubt, a prick, and you wanna say something to them. All you have to do, in order to get across what it is you wanna say, is to speak as Ben Carson does. And by this… [SOFTLY] I mean, you speak as softly as you possibly can, and yet, still be heard, so that the person listening to you must use an inordinate amount of energy just to hear the words coming out of your mouth, and as you do that, speak as slowly as you possibly can, as if each and every word was being formed in your brain for the very first time. And be sure that your eyes are two-thirds closed… [LAUGHTER] …so that you resemble a lizard sunning itself on the rock. And if you do that, you can say any batshit thing you want to anyone, as Ben Carson did when he said… “It’s amateurs who built the ark, but it was professionals who built the Titanic.” [APPLAUSE] He said that! In front of a lot of people. And no one came up to him and said, “Ben, you’ll have to come with us now.” [APPLAUSE] Another thing you must do, is as you’re speaking, you be sure that your hands are moving in a way that has nothing to do with what you’re saying at all. Not a god damn thing. Be sure that they’re moving in a way like, this is a nice way to do it. Because the person listening to you won’t hear what you’re saying, because they’ll be thinking, “Wow, what a great aquarium.” And when you wanna make your final point, do as Ben does, and as he did, when he– Be sure that your hands move opposite to the meaning of the words, such as, “We must raise the middle class by lowering their taxes.” [APPLAUSE] The turning point came for me when I turned on the television one morning, and on the screen, on CNN– and let me just say, it is absolutely vital for every American to watch CNN for five minutes a day. Why? Because it’ll give you a good idea of what it’s gonna be like when you have a stroke. [LAUGHTER] It’ll just be two people mumbling. [MUMBLING NOISE] And the crawl will be going, “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” There, on the screen, was Donald Trump, in the background. In the foreground, was Sarah Palin at the microphone. And I thought, “How… am I… supposed to make this funnier?” How do you satirize what is already satiric? I realized that we were now living at the intersection of reality and satire. We are living, I believe, in fictional times. And by that, I mean that if you took the reality that we’ve been living through for a year, and put that in a book, you’d read that book, and you’d go, “Son of a bitch! Great book!” And then she spoke. [LAUGHTER] Took my breath away. I was clueless. After just a few seconds, I wondered, “Maybe she’s talking to another species. Or trying to guide aliens to come here and save us.” It made no [expletive] sense at all. The longer I listened, the worse it got. And then, that weekend, on Saturday Night Live, Tina Fey came on and did her brilliant Sarah Palin, and they performed, really, the news conference that I saw, and Tina Fey used about 85% of what Sarah Palin actually said. Her writers [SPUTTERS] didn’t have to work! And I thought, “My job is done.” [LAUGHTER] I am thrilled to announce that I am moving on. I really discovered that what my next job would be– it came to me last, well, last Black Friday. And it was at that point in time they announced that there were more gun background checks done on that day than in the history of the country. More guns were purchased than had been in a long, long time. And when I saw this, I realized… that if Christians were buying weaponry as gifts for their loved ones in order to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, their lord and savior, then I, a Jew, knew a money-maker when I saw one. [APPLAUSE] And so I’m thrilled to announce that I have found an economically distressed area in Alabama, and I will be able to help them out, because it will be there that I will be opening Jewey Jewey’s Gun Store. [LAUGHTER] I could not be happier. This is gonna be a tourist destination. I mean it, ’cause just– just, if I just had Jewey Jew’s alone, people from around the world and the United States would flock there. “Son of a bitch!” they’d cry out, “I gotta get to Alabama and see who Jewey Jew is!” Next door, I will be opening a theater where my friend John Bowman will be performing The Hank Williams Story. Next door to that will be an Irish pub, which is gonna be run by Kathleen Madigan, a very funny comic, who also needs to be around alcohol 24/7 or her hands start to shake. I plan to build a giant Ferris wheel, the biggest Ferris wheel in the world. Why? Cause Jewey Jew wants a Ferris wheel! And mounted at every seat will be a machine gun. Because you never know when a plane is gonna attack you when you’re on a Ferris wheel. Better safe than sorry, assholes! Ha ha ha! [APPLAUSE] And in the back, I’ll have a casino. Do we really need another casino? You’re [expletive] right we do. What makes my casino different is when you hit the jackpot, Jewey Jew himself will bring you two six-guns, and you can fire ’em in the air. I know it may seem strange to many of you that I would choose to open a gun store, but to be honest, the NRA, after years and years, has finally gotten to me. ‘Cause they– they really taught me that… well… guns don’t kill people. Mentally ill people with guns kill people, and if we all had enough guns, we could kill all the mentally ill people. It was, after Sandy Hook, oddly enough, the NRA that pointed out to the American people, we have a problem with mental illness. And whenever I think about the problem of mental illness, the first people that I wanna talk with are the good folks at the NRA. Their work in the field of mental illness is, as we all know, legendary! We do have to deal with mental illness, and we’re not gonna. We’re not. Part of the reason we’re not is ’cause 40% of the American people don’t think there is such a thing as mental illness, do they? Mm-mmm. That’s 40%, and… and I just made that number up. I made that number up because I’ve watched politicians for the whole year making numbers up every [expletive] day, and they’re not supposed to be making numbers up. I’m a comic. I’m supposed to make shit up! My generation is the problem here, because my generation was born and raised with no knowledge whatsoever of mental illness. None! We didn’t know anything about it. You know, unless you had a family member who was mentally ill, and then if there was someone in the neighborhood who was mentally ill, they were hidden from the rest of the neighborhood, because people were ashamed of it. So, nobody, nobody knew– unless, okay, all right, the only time you heard about mental illness is if there was somebody with 16 personalities. You know, that person who could play canasta by themselves. By the time I got to college, it was no different. None. None whatsoever. By the time I got to college, I took a course in psych one, and all I learned from that is that a pigeon will smash its face against something in order to get a [expletive] pellet of food. You would think that even if we didn’t know about it, and what was up with mental illness in terms of dealing with it, that the National Institute of Mental Health would. But even by 200-[expletive]-3, they funded 16 studies to find out how a pigeon thinks. They funded one study about post-partum psychosis. Sixteen studies to find out how a pigeon thinks? They could have called any [expletive] New Yorker. [LAUGHTER] We coulda told them: “I gotta shit, I gotta shit, I gotta shit! No, I gotta shit! I can’t believe I’m still shitting! I thought I’d stopped shitting, no, I’m still shitting! French fry!” [APPLAUSE] I believe that we all learned about mental illness the same way that I did. I think we did that through dating. [LAUGHTER] Come on, this is New York. I truly expected a bigger laugh there. [LOUDER LAUGHTER] Everybody in this room has been out with somebody, and on that third date, was sitting there going, “Oh my God! They’re talking to a sock puppet!” I truly believe that now that the gays have come out of the closet, that the next group that has to come out of the closet are the mentally ill. But, they’re mentally ill, so they don’t know where the door handle is. So we’re gonna have to open the door for them. [APPLAUSE] We used to have places that dealt with mental illness throughout the country until the early ’80s. There were mental institutions throughout the entire country. These institutions took care of those who truly were the illest of the ill. The ones who could not deal with reality whatsoever. And what these institutions provided was a safe haven where they could go and get help, and also begin to understand how to bring these people back to reality. Now, if you have a loved one who cannot cope with reality, the best you can hope for is to get them away for five days, and then you gotta take ’em back. And everybody knows, somebody who can’t deal with reality five days, [expletive]! [SPUTTERS] No problem! It’s unbelievable! But we had those in place. And what happened? Starting with Kennedy and going through Reagan, the Democrats and the Republicans systematically took them apart and ended up closing them. Closed them down. Why? To save money. [SCOFFS] Well, we’re gonna have to deal with it again. And what’s it gonna cost? More [expletive] money! Because that’s the way it works! This bullshit about saving money is a crock of shit. When you’ve got something, a big, big [expletive] problem, you deal with it, and you [expletive] pay for it. ‘Cause if you wait, it’s more [expletive] expensive. And that’s a Jew advising you on this. [APPLAUSE] If you don’t think we have a problem with mental illness, I need you to take a good long look at Congress. That is the largest outpatient clinic in the world, and we pay for their health insurance. is slightly mentally ill. I believe that. You know, you can see it all the time. I– you pick up the paper, I read, you know, a while back, that, um… $640 million was spent by Americans purchasing Valentine’s Day gifts for pets. Okay, that’s– that’s the sign something’s [expletive] wrong. Stinkmuffin and Farty Lick don’t give a shit, okay? They don’t have a calendar. They’re not waiting by the door going, “Oh boy, I can’t wait to see what they got me!” You’ve lost touch with reality, [expletive]! If any of you purchased a Valentine’s Day gift for your pet, you have to get counseling for at least an hour next week. [APPLAUSE] The only time… The only time you can purchase a Valentine’s Day gift for your pet is, let’s say, you’re [expletive] your cockatoo. Then I think you should really get it something nice. In New York, a while back, a few years ago, there was a gentleman… who… As a Jew, this is difficult. He… he gave his dog a bar mitzvah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What’s my job? What’s my job? Spent $10,000, a hundred people came, he did it at Sammy’s Romanian. He called it a “bark mitzvah.” As soon as his friends, if his friends [expletive] cared about him, as soon as they got the notice that he was throwing a bar mitzvah for his dog, those friends should have immediately had an intervention. If that’s not a cry for [expletive] help, I don’t know what is. I travel throughout the country, and one of the things that you notice is every, pretty much at every local government that we pass through, there is someone who’s been elected who is [BLOWS RASPBERRY] mentally ill. Case in point: Facing a need for $743 million worth of repairs to crumbling infrastructure, the mayor of Jackson, Mississippi has told residents the city can fix its many potholes through the power of prayer. “Yes, I believe we can pray potholes away. Moses prayed and a sea opened.” After tonight’s show, I would hope that all of you would take a moment, meet in the lobby, and form prayer groups. One thing you know about New York, our streets have real problems. So if you could get out there early tomorrow and just [expletive] really give it your all. Try to get out there really early before traffic hits. [CHUCKLES] That was the mayor of the town speaking, who’s also a church pastor. What strikes me most about this is, and I’ve time and again had to to bring this up, and I’m– I realize, I have to repeat it yet again. I’ve talked about it in another special, but I don’t care. It’s got to be repeated, and repeated, and repeated, ’cause nobody’s [expletive] listening to me. But the fact of the matter is, that you Christians have to… have to… you have to stop reading the Old Testament. You don’t understand it. It literally escapes you. You haven’t a [expletive] clue. And, I will– I will repeat this ’til the day I die: It’s not your [expletive] book. [APPLAUSE] Our book has a really mean God. Ooh, boogey, boogey, boogey. Scared the shit outta you. So you had to come up with this nice kid. That’s your book, asshole! Every time I turn on a pastor on Sunday, a Christian, you know, talking about the Old Testament, they never [expletive] get it right. Ever! They don’t understand the basics of the Bible. It was written by the elders. It was written by the elders. These are stories that they told to the Israelites in order to distract them from the fact that they were wandering in the desert without air conditioning. Moses prayed and a sea opened. That’s a great [expletive] story, isn’t it? They’ve made a movie out of it. Huh? That’s probably where this son of a bitch found out about it. That isn’t the way it happened. Every Jew knows that. Here’s what went down, Moses prayed, and then he prayed, and then he prayed. And then he went, “[expletive]!” and went to the Jewish people and said, “We’re gonna have to walk around.” But that’s not a great story. [APPLAUSE] I’m lucky that I can keep a shred of sanity because I get to travel every few years and get out of the United States. I was lucky enough two years ago to perform in Copenhagen, in Denmark, and uh… Copenhagen is a happy city. This is how happy they are. After I arrived that evening, looking for entertainment, I went down to the park, and a band was playing. It turned out to be the military band. And they were playing– [SNAPS FINGERS] “Dancing Queen.” Yes sirree, that’s a– that’s a country I can go to war with. Also, another reason I knew just how happy they were was because about 20 minutes after I arrived, I was wandering around to get my bearings, the neighborhood, and get a sense of what was around my hotel, and a bus drove by, and on that bus was a billboard, and on that billboard was a photograph of the most… beautiful breasts I’ve ever seen in my life. They were– they were glistening. They were glistening! I’m a little embarrassed, but it made my mouth water. We’ll never have a billboard like that in this country, ever. It’s just not gonna happen. We’re not– we’re not sexually mature enough, as a country, to have it. As a country, we’re about twelve and a half years old. We’re not even close, and I tell ya… You know, if you put that billboard up anywhere in the United States next to any highway, there would be an accident every eight seconds. “Look at those tits! Look at those tits! Look at those tits!” This is the way I, and I consider myself somewhat sexually mature, this is absolutely the way I reacted when that bus passed. I followed the bus. I followed it for blocks, and then I realized that other buses had the billboard, so at that point I knew that I could sit in a cafe and they would bring the breasts to me. It took three days before I realized that there was writing on the billboard. And the writing, even though I didn’t speak Danish, I knew what it meant. It said, “New tits?” And I thought, “Wow.” I was stunned. An ad for breast enhancement. Because I thought that we were the only country that was obsessed with enhancing breasts. But even– even in Happytown, apparently they are a little disappointed in the titties. I have never understood the concept of breast enhancement. Never! It’s unnecessary surgery, unless you have a medical problem or a psychological one. What the [expletive] are you thinkin’? You’ve missed the cardinal rule of life. Every breast is a great breast! [APPLAUSE] And I know this from personal experience. Never have I looked down at a naked woman in my bed and thought… [BLOWS RASPBERRY] “Hoo! What a disappointment.” Usually I have to stop myself from crying, or saying something stupid like, “And I can play with them now?” When I was, um… When I was leaving there, I… I realized that I wanted to stay on, ’cause I wanted… I wanted that surgery for me. I did. I wasn’t transitioning. It had nothing to do with transitioning. I am not, and lucky enough, I’m not a woman caught in a man’s body. But I did want those tits here! Why would I put ’em on a woman? Why would I do that? Then I’d have to negotiate to see ’em. This way, they’re always with me, and they’re always glistening. [APPLAUSE] This is, um… truly the greatest article I’ve– I’ve ever read about women’s breasts. “A lactating German woman robbed a pharmacy by squirting breast milk at two startled workers.” Some of you didn’t laugh at that. And if you didn’t laugh at that, you need to take the rest of the week off. How do you not laugh at that? How the [expletive]– where the [expletive] were you while I was reading that? Lactating, you should have been smiling. It’s a funny [expletive] word. Unless you’re lactating, it’s a funny [expletive] word. Lactating woman, not funny. Lactating German woman, ha ha ha ha. [LAUGHTER] Robbed a pharmacy by squirting breast milk. Son of a bitch! Come on! Not breast milk being fed to a child, suckled. No! Breast milk flying willy-nilly throughout the universe. God damn it! At that point, you better be [expletive] laughing! At two startled workers. Really? I don’t think startled even begins to describe it. I don’t think they were there going, [MOUTHING DIALOG]. Their eyes were going “bambambambambam.” “Whoooo!” [SPUTTERS] The woman, called the [GERMAN ACCENT] “Milk Sprayer…” [LAUGHTER] …made a purchase and waited for the cash register to open, and then sent a milky arc into the first worker’s face. Bambambam, bam. Bambambambam. Bam bam bam! Bam bam bam! Reload, bam! [LAUGHTER] She then sprayed a second employee. Bam bam, bam bam! Reload! Bam bam, bam bam bam! Six guns a’blazin’. She rifled through the registers, stealing 125 bucks before making her getaway. And with that, we take the first few steps toward ending gun violence. [APPLAUSE] Now we have to talk about the election. Wh– what are you applauding? [LAUGHTER] Seriously. As a– as a public service, I should just say, “Good night.” Did you Republicans really need to look at… all those people? Ted Cruz. All you… need know, um, and this should have been the end of it. [STUTTERS] It wasn’t enough that everybody in Congress hates him. It wasn’t enough that during the time in which he was in Congress, he did a filibuster in order to try to stop the Affordable Care Act for the 50th time, and spent a good portion of it reading from Green Eggs and Ham, which made me think, “Son of a bitch.” That was when I said if he wears aluminum foil on his head, I’ll start to listen to him. But more important than that, the key to why he shouldn’t have been allowed to run was they asked his college roommate. His college roommate at Princeton. He got into Princeton. I [expletive] didn’t get into Princeton! And when I meet my maker, that’s the first question I’m gonna ask. “Was it the SAT scores?” So, they asked him, his roommate, “Do you think he’d make a good president?” And he said, “Blindfold me. And then bring me a phone book from any city in America. O-open it up, I’ll point at a name. Whoever that is, will be a better president.” I have to read this quote off a piece of paper because it– my brain refuses to memorize it. In regards to family planning– family planning, a man running for the presidency of the United States, he said, “Last I checked, we don’t have a rubber shortage in America.” Now, when was the last time any of you used the word “rubber” in a sentence? You might have said “galoshes.” “When I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom. Put 50 cents in, and voila.” Voila? Let’s get this straight, those of you who are Democrats and Republicans, who are Libertarians, or the Green Party. I don’t give a [expletive]. No candidate for the presidency of the United States should ever, ever be allowed to use the world “voila.” The only time you can say the word “voila” is if you opened a prophylactic and it flew out and landed on your dick. [APPLAUSE] Voila. [CHEERS] Then, of course, we go through all of that, and we come down to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and… I have lived in New York for 35 years, and, um… Donald Trump has been in my face for 35 years. This whole idea that he is a great businessman is… is so beyond any… I… He bankrupted a casino. [APPLAUSE] I mean… Psh! That’s impossible. Unless you locked the doors and just stood in front, “Go away! Go to Jewey Jew’s! Go away!” You know, I just– before we leave Donald alone… I’m gonna say something, and I’m… I’m saying this as a friend. If you vote for Donald Trump… you’re gonna go to hell. [APPLAUSE] And I know this. And I know this because God told me. He has my hotline number, 1-800-Jewey-Jew. He always likes to talk to me after he talks to Mike Huckabee. I help settle him down. And then there’s Hillary Clinton, who’s had so much shit thrown at her during the course of her life that there’s no way she couldn’t get the smell off. There isn’t. I mean, I’ve traveled the country. People don’t like her. They don’t. And I don’t think it has to do with the nonsense of that she’s a criminal. I think that that’s just repeating, repeating, repeating. [BABBLES] I think it’s the fact that she’s been in our face for a long [expletive] time. I’m serious. Familiarity breeds contempt, and it’s made a lot of people unhappy with her. She never went away. She never went away. She’s always been there. She is, for many Americans, that woman in the carpool… that every morning, the guy sits there, drinking his cup of coffee, and thinks, “I can’t believe I gotta pick her up again!” She never went away. She was the First Lady, and then afterwards, she snuck into our state. I don’t know what these people are bitching about, she snuck in here. And the next thing I know, holy [expletive], she’s the senator from New York. And she spent six years doing that, and then, she said, “I’m running to be president.” And she lost. Now at that point, anybody who loses the presidency hides somewhere. They go away! Everybody [expletive] knows that. Nixon went the [expletive] away. And then when he came back, people went, “[expletive], eh, he wasn’t so bad!” You leave! Nope. Not her. She became the Secretary of State, and then, she finished up there and she said, “I’m gonna run to be president again!” [SCOFFS] There is a good chance she’s bipolar. So you have a choice now about who you wanna date. Either the bipolar carpooler, or Orange Julius Caesar. Happy voting. [APPLAUSE] But before I go, let me just say, and this, I know, comes as a shock to many of you, but, uh… I wake up every morning… shoo… brimming with optimism. [LAUGHTER] My nipples are pert and I’m ready to go. ‘Cause I– I truly believe that today is gonna be the day that this great country gets it right. Why wouldn’t today be the day? We all pretty much share exactly the same hopes and dreams. We all have– we all basically want the same thing, and, uh… Why wouldn’t we find it today? Why wouldn’t this be it? After making mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake… after mistake after mistake after mistake, after mistake after mistake, after mistake, and then there was the time, you know, after mistake… that wouldn’t we, just by accident, stumble in the right direction? Why wouldn’t today be the [expletive] day? God, I’m happy. I got dancin’ feet. I put on “Dancing Queen.” And I get up to my, uh, coffee table there, and I grab a mug, and look down at the front page of the paper, and go, “[expletive]! Maybe tomorrow.” Good night, New York. [APPLAUSE] These [expletive] are out of control! [SPUTTERS] Wake up, wake up, wake up! What the [expletive] do you need me for? You’re gonna go to hell. No, don’t turn around. Keep [expletive] walkin’. You’ve lost touch with reality, [expletive]! God damn it! At that point you better be [expletive] laughing! Bam bam bam! Bam bam bam! Bam bam bam! Bam bam bam! Reload, bam! Boogey woogey boogey. Gee, I wonder who’s gonna win, because, you know, if that person wins, [BABBLES]. What’s the matter with us? Tada! It’s unbelievable!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BILL HICKS: REVELATIONS (1993) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-hicks-revelations-1993-full-transcript/

Recorded at the London Dominion Theatre in November 1992 FX: galloping horse’s hooves CUT: the moon FX: howling wolves CUT: a Black Slab, looking rather like the Monolith from 2001. Fog clouds play across it. CUT: a white horse, carrying a masked man, who also wears a hat and cloak. The horse rears back and whinnies – the rider spurs the horse, which breaks into a gallop once more Voice Over (Bill): On December 16, 1961, the world turned upside down and inside out, and I was born screaming, in America. CUT: (Tower?) Bridge – the horse and rider cross the bridge, approaching the camera VO: It was the end of the American Dream, just before we lost our innocence irrevocably, and the TV Eye brought the horror of our lives into out homes for all to see. CUT: The rider dismounts upon a cobblestoned street, and leads his horse past the burning shells of televisions. FX: howling wolves VO: I was told when I grew up, I could be anything I wanted. A fireman, a policeman, a doctor. Even the President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, somthing new called an Astronaut. But like many kids growing up on a steady diet of Westerns, I always wanted to be the cowboy hero. That lone voice in the wilderness fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. CUT: the Dark Rider throws a lighted match into an oil drum full of newspapers. VO: And in my heart of hearts, I still track the remnants of that dream, wherever I go, on my never-ending ride into the setting sun. CUT: zoom in on flames FADE: to a picture of the moon against a black background An opening appears in the black background. A figure stands in the opening, silhouetted by flames and smoke. The figure emerges, bows, and hangs his hat and cloak on a microphone stand, while the opening behind him closes and is replaced by the 2001 monolith. A silhouette appears behind him, lit in pinks and reds, which (as far as I can tell) is either meant to signify either a city, or the Ruins of Civilisation. hmm. [wild applause] You’re in the right place. It’s Bill. I’m living out in Los Angeles now so, you know, I like coming over here, you know, for the weather. You guys have weather. Cool. Los Angeles, every day, hot and sunny, today, hot and sunny, tomorrow, hot and, for the rest of the… hot and sunny, every single day, hot and sunny. And they love it. “Isn’t great, every day, hot and sunny?” What are you, a fucking lizard? Only reptiles feel that way about this kind of weather. I’m a mammal, I can afford coats, scarves, cappuccino and rosy cheeked women. LA is the home of the pedestrian right of way law. What this law is, is if a pedestrian decides to cross the road, anywhere or any time on the road, every car has to stop and let this person cross the road. Yes, ‘cos only in LA does common courtesy have to be legislated. Ha ha ha Every car has to stop. Pretty ludicrous in light of the city we’re in now right, if someone steps in front of your car here, you speed up and turn your wipers on you know. “Bum ch, bum ch. Bad call brother. Rrr.” “Must’ve had a bad day. I don’t know.” Stupid law. How may of y’all wondered like I did during the LA riots, when those people were pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death. How many of y’all wondered like I did: Step on the fucking gas, man! They’re on foot, you’re in a truck… I think I see a way out of this! That pedestrian right of way law. People are driving home, a gang of youths stepped in front of their truck, Molotov cocktails, clubs in hand, everyone of these idiots: Screeech. (Mimes waving people across road) (Mimes being pulled out of a vehicle by the hair) I guarantee you that Reginald Denney, that truck driver. Never gonna stop again as long as he lives. Could be an old woman with a baby carriage crossing the road, he’s: Urrr, urrrrr. “Not today, baby.” Not a time to quit smoking kids, hahaha But I fucking did it. And yes, I miss’ em. It is hard to quit smoking. Everyone of them looks real good to me right now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus, and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer’s pussy right now. Wwwww. “Golly that looks tasty” Every time I’m here something weird happens. This time Bush lost. Cool. People ask me where I stood politically you know. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy. But that I believe he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth. Yeah, I’m a little.. a little to the left there, I was. I was leaning that way. Yeah you know who else is going, little Quayle boy. Little Damien. Is that guy Damien? Tell me those blank empty eyes aren’t gonna glow red in the very near future. [eyes roll back in head] Stop making jokes about meee. Nrrr. I’ll spell potato any fucking way I want. Nrrrr. Rioters in LA, let’s nuke them. Bush was a pussy Nrr He held me back. Frightening people man. Bush tried to buy votes towards the end of the election. Goes around, you know, selling weapons to everyone, getting that military industrial complex vote happening for him. Sold 160 fighter jets to Korea and then 240 tanks to Kuwait and then goes around making speeches why he should be Commander-in-Chief because, “We still live in a dangerous world.” Thanks to you, you fucker! What are you doing? Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks! They’re arming the fucking world man. You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: “Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.” How do you know that? “Uh, well… We looked at the receipts Haar.” “Ah but as soon as that cheque clears, we’re going in.” “What time’s the bank open? 8? We’re going in at 9.” “We’re going in for God and country and democracy and here’s a foetus and he’s a Hitler. Whatever you fucking need, let’s go. Get motivated behind this, let’s go!” Ohoh looks like Mr. Major was on the hot seat there for a second too. Little Iraqgate, little rapscallion he is. “Did we send, did I… did… I’ll have to check Maggie’s old calendar.” What’s funny about this. Every one of your papers says that you guys sold Iraq “machine tools”… which Iraq then converted into military equipment. I have news for you folks, a cannon is a machine tool. Your Orwellian language notwithstanding, it’s a fucking machine, it’s a tool. Our papers in the States have the same thing. We sold Iraq “farming equipment” which Iraq then “converted”. How do they do this? “Simsalabim simsalabim aa salabim sim sim sim salabim.” Wow! It was a chicken coop, it’s now a nuclear reactor!” “This war’s for Aladdin.” Farming equipment which they converted into military, okay, you got me I’m curious, exactly what kind of farming equipment is this? “Oh okay, well it’s stuff for the farmers of Iraq.” Yeah? What? “Ooh okay, ar well ooh one of the things we gave them was for the little farmer, a new thing we came up with called er the er, flame-throwing rake.” “No it was for the farmer, see. He would rake the leaves and then just turn around Boooo.” “But you know what the Iraqis did with that?” There’s no trees in Iraq, what are you sending them rakes for, you asshole? “We could have done our research better perhaps yes.” What else did you sell ’em? “Okay er one of the other things we gave ’em was a new thing… for the farmer.” “The, er, armoured tractor.” “No, see, farmers when they farm look over their shoulders at times and they won’t see a tree and they’ll hit it maybe and there’ll be a wasps nest in the tree and the wasps will come in and sting ’em.” “So we put four inches of armour all over the tractor. And a turret to shoot pesticides on the wasps.” “Yeah but you know what the Iraqis did with that?” “Can’t trust ’em.” I’m so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries then we go and blow the shit out of em. We’re like the bullies of the world, you know. We’re like Jack Palance in the movie Shane… Throwing the pistol at the sheep herder’s feet: “Pick it up.” “I don’t wanna pick it up mister, you’ll shoot me.” “Pick up the gun”. “Mister, I don’t want no trouble huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble mister.” “Pick up the gun.” Boom bom “You all saw him. He had a gun.” Kennedy, I love talking about the Kennedy assassination because to me it’s a great example of, er, a totalitarian government’s ability to, you know, manage information and thus keep us in the dark any way they… Oh sorry wrong meeting… Ah shit. That’s the meeting we’re having tomorrow at the docks. [winks] I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It’s a museum called… ‘The Assassination Museum’. I think they named that after the assassination. I can’t be too sure of the chronology here but… Anyway they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it’s really accurate, you know, cos Oswald’s not in it. “Yeah, yeah so wow that’s cool.” Painstaking accuracy, you know. It’s true, it’s called the ‘Sniper’s Nest’. It’s glassed in, it’s got he boxes sitting there. You can’t actually get to the window as such but the reason they did that of course, they didn’t want thousands of American tourists getting there each year going [Mimes looking out of window] “No fucking way! I can’t even see the road. Shit they’re lying to us. Fuck! Where are they? There’s no fucking way. Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge. Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew him over the motorcade… Surely someone would have seen that. You know there was rumours of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars… Someone overhead them saying ‘coup, coup’ Coo. Unbelievable. And you know what’s wild, people’s, er, attitudes in the States about it. Talking about Kennedy, people come up to me: “Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man. Let it go. It’s a long time ago – just forget about it.” And I’m like alright, then don’t bring up Jesus to me. As long as we’re talking shelf life here. “Bill, you know Jesus died for you.” Yeah, well it was a long time ago. Forget about it! How about this. Get Pilate to release the fucking files. Quit washing your hands Pilate – release the goddam files. Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day? “Bill, it was just, you know, hur, taking over of democracy by a totalitarian government, let it go.” That’s another good thing about Bush being gone, man, cos for the last 12 years with Reagan and Bush, we have had fundamentalist Christians in the White House. Fundamentalist Christians who believe the Bible is the exact word of God, including that wacky fire and brimstone Revelations ending, have had their finger on the fucking button for 12 years. [Eyes roll back in head] “Tell me when Lord, tell me when. Let me be your servant Lord.” Fundamentalist Christianity – fascinating. These people actually believe that the bi.., er, the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God. What the..? Based on what? I asked them. “Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added ’em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages – 12 thousand years.” Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn’t know that you’d gone to so much trouble. That’s good. You believe the world’s 12 thousand years old? “That’s right.” Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? “uh huh.” Dinosaurs. You know the world’s 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you’d think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. “And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus… with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin’: ‘What a big fucking lizard, Lord!’ But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus’s paw and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord.” Get this, I actually asked one of these guys, OK, Dinosaurs fossils – how does that fit into you scheme of life? Let me sit down and strap in. He said, “Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith.” Thank God I’m strapped in right now here man. I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude. You believe that? “uh huh.” Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God.. might be.. fuckin’ with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: “Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha ha.” [mimes God burying fossils] “I am God, I am a prankster.” “I am killing Me.” You know, You die and go to St. Peter… “Did you believe in dinosaurs?” “Well, yeah. There was fossils everywhere” Thuh [trapdoor opens] “Aaaaaaarhhh!” “You fuckin idiot.” “Flying lizards, you’re a moron. God was fuckin’ with you!” “It seemed so plausible, ahhhh!” “Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!” You ever noticed how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Ya ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet.3 “I believe God created me in one day” Yeah, looks liked He rushed it. They believe the bible is the exact word of God – Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? “I think what God meant to say…” I have never been that confident. Next we have a bible out called ‘The New Living Bible’, it’s the bible in updated and modern English. I guess to make it more palatable for people to read. But its really weird, when you listen to it. “And Jesus walked on water. And Peter said, ‘Awesome!'” Suddenly we got Jesus hanging ten across the Sea of Galilee. Christ’s Bogus Adventure, you know. Deuteronomy 90210, you know. Such a weird belief. Lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he’s gonna want to see a fucking cross, man? “Oaww” May be why he hasn’t shown up yet. “Man, they’re still wearing crosses. Fuck it, I’m not goin, dad. No, they totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes I might show up again, but… Let me bury fossil heads with you Dad, Fuck em – Let’s fuck with them! They’re fuckin with me now, lets get em. Give me that brontosaurus head, Dad.” You know, kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know. “Thinkin’ of John, Jackie. We love him. Just tryin to keep that memory alive, baby.” [mimes sniper, mimes being shot in the head] Back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left. Which, by the way, that action you see Kennedy’s head go through in the Zapruder film – caused by a bullet… [points behind him] comin from up there, ha. Yes, I know it looks to the layman or someone who might dabble in physics… This action here would be caused by a bullet coming from… Well… [thinks] Up here, did you see that? Did everyone see that? Yeah, but no. What happened was Oswald’s gun went off, causing an echo to echo through the buildings of Dealey Plaza and the echo went by the limo on the left up into the grassy knoll hitting some leaves causing dust to fly out which 56 witnesses testified was a gun shot, cos immediately… Kennedy’s head went over. But the reason his head went over is cause the echo went by the motorcade one the left and he went “What was that?” “So there, we have figured out, go back to bed America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, you government is in control again. Here, here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up! Go back to bed America, here’s American Gladiators. Here’s 56 channels of it. Watch these pituitary retards bang their fuckin skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America, you are free, to do as we tell you, you are free, to do as we tell you.” “Oh good. Honey, I heard on the news that they’ve figured out that the gun, what happened is, is that there was an echo and Kennedy was, er, asking Jackie what it was, and that that’s why his head flew u… Honey what time’s Gladiators on? Are we missing it? I’m so glad we’re free, Honey.” This happen just a few weeks ago. All these articles in the paper. “Is Gladiators too violent? And what are we doing watching it? Is it really good for us to watch? Is it too violent?” NO! Fuck it! Give these guys chain saws! Let them fuck each other up good. It’s not violent enough. Let these fuckin’ morons kill each other in that God Damn pit! Give them chain saws an… I want to see a fuckin railway spike go through their eyeballs.How about this? give everyone in the audience a pistol. “There you fuckers, bchh bchh, See who comes out alive, bchh.” You know, I’m tired of this false fuckin sanctimonious morality about life. “Ain’t life keen, haha. Let’s pat ourselves on the back.” Fuck you! They want to kill each other, I’m filming it. You know. I had a great idea for the movies. No-one wants to fucking hear it, I don’t know why. I was watching Terminator 2 and I’m thinking to myself, these are the most amazing stunts I have ever seen. A hundred million dollars it cost to make this film. How are they ever gonna top these stunts in a movie again? There’s no way. Unless… they start using terminally ill people… [laughter] Hear me out… …as stuntmen in pictures. Okay not the most popular idea ever, but I prefaced it with that. What you know, some of will probably think that’s cruel, don’t you? “Ooh cruel, terminally ill stuntpeople Bill. How cruel.” You know what I think what cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put ’em in the movies! Whaaat? Do you want your grandmother dying like a little bird in some hospital room? Her translucent skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat work its way down her blue veins? Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris? Why be so selfish as to deprive her of that thrill? “Tom how come you dressed my grandmother up as a mugger?” “Shut up and get off the set. Action! Push her towards Chuck.” Whurf. [Bill does a flying karate kick] “Wow he kicked her head right off her body! Did you see that? Did you see my grammie? She’s out of her misery. I just saw the greatest fucking movie of my life. Cool!” Okay not the most popular idea ever. All I’m saying is people are dying every day, and movies are getting more and more boring. [Webs fingers together] “I am the weaver.” I don’t know. “Is American Gladiators too violent? Ooh I don’t know.” Watch the fucking news man, it’s frightening. What could be worse. You watch the news these days you know, it’s unbelievable. You think you you just walk out your door, you’re immediately going to be raped by some crack-addicted, Aids-infected, pit-bull, you know. Horrible news stories, you know. “Honey, I’m gonna check the mail… “Rrrrar, rrrrar, rrrrar, rrrrar, rrrrar!” [mimes being attacked by a pitbull] “Whaddya we stay inside tonight baby? Let the pizza delivery guy deal with that shit out there. Hello, pizza delivery, could you send another car over please. I know that’s your third one, that last guy almost made it. I can almost reach the pizza with the broom handle. How come those pit bulls are eating your driver but they’re not touching that fucking pizza? What do they know that we don’t know, hellooo?” Pretty soon we’re all gonna be locked inside our homes with no-one on the street but pizza delivery guys and armoured cars with turrets shooting pizzas through the mail-slots of our front doors. Every house will glow with American Gladiators beamed in. “We are free – keep repeating, we are free.” The news is just apocalyptic. Didn’t you think with the Cold War being over, things should have gotten better. How many of y’all were as stupid as I was in believing that? Wow it’s over – 40 years of threat of nuclear weapons – it’s over, cool, cool… Wrong! Now 12 different countries have nuclear weapons – it just got 12 times as bad, fuck you! Life is harder now. Work hard – oops jobs are scarce, fuck you, ha ha ha. By the way if anyone here is in advertising or marketing… kill yourself. No, no, no it’s just a little thought. I’m just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day, they’ll take root – I don’t know. You try, you do what you can. Kill yourself. Seriously though, if you are, do. Aaah, no really, there’s no rationalisation for what you do and you are Satan’s little helpers. Okay – kill yourself – seriously. You are the ruiner of all things good, seriously. No this is not a joke, you’re going, “there’s going to be a joke coming,” there’s no fucking joke coming. You are Satan’s spawn filling the world with bile and garbage. You are fucked and you are fucking us. Kill yourself. It’s the only way to save your fucking soul, kill yourself. Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going, “he’s doing a joke… there’s no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, fucking hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend – I don’t care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil fucking makinations. Machi… Whatever, you know what I mean. I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too, “Oh, you know what Bill’s doing, he’s going for that anti-marketing dollar. That’s a good market, he’s very smart.” Oh man, I am not doing that. You fucking evil scumbags! “Ooh, you know what Bill’s doing now, he’s going for the righteous indignation dollar. That’s a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation. We’ve done research – huge market. He’s doing a good thing.” Godammit, I’m not doing that, you scum-bags! Quit putting a godamm dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet! “Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant market, Bill’s very bright to do that.” God, I’m just caught in a fucking web. “Ooh the trapped dollar, big dollar, huge dollar. Good market – look at our research. We see that many people feel trapped. If we play to that and then separate them into the trapped dollar…” How do you live like that? And I bet you sleep like fucking babies at night, don’t you?” “What didya do today honey?” “Oh, we made ah, we made ah arsenic a childhood food now, goodnight.” [snores]”Yeah we just said you know is your baby really too loud? You know,” [snores] “Yeah, you know the mums will love it.” [snores] Sleep like fucking children, don’t ya, this is your world isn’t it? But you know I saw this movie this year called last year called er, Basic Instinct. Okay now. Bill’s quick capsule review: Piece-of-Shit. Okay now. Yeah, yeah, end of story by the way. Don’t get caught up in that fevered hype phoney fucking debate about that Piece-of-Shit movie. “Is it too sexist, and what about the movies, are they becoming too dddddddd.” You’re, you’re just confused, you don’t get, you’ve forgotten how to judge correctly. Take a deep breath huuh, look at it again. “Oh it’s a Piece-of-Shit!” Exactly, that’s all it is. Satan squatted, let out a loaf, they put a fucking title on it, put it on a marquee, Satan’s shit, piece of shit, walk away. “But is it too, what about the lesbian connot.. ddddd.” You’re, you’re getting really baffled here. Piece-of-Shit! Now walk away. That’s all it is, it’s nothing more! Free yourself folks, if you see it, Piece-of-Shit, say it and walk away. You’re right! You’re right! Not those fuckers who want to tell you how to think! You’re fucking right! Sorry wrong meeting again. I keep getting my days mixed up. tomorrow, it’s the meeting at the docks. Tonight it’s comedy entertainment with young Bill. Horrible film. And then I come to find out after that film. that all the lesbian sex scenes, let me repeat that, all the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of that film, because the test audience was turned off by them. Ha. Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America. I don’t want to seem like Randy Pan, the Goat Boy, but er that was the only reason I went to that piece of shit. If I had been in that test audience, the only one out front protesting that film would have been Michael Douglas demanding his part be put back in, alright? “I swear I was in that movie. I swear I was.” “Gee Mike, the movie started. Sharon Stone was eating another woman for an hour and a half. Then the credits rolled. I err, I don’t remember seeing your scrawny ass, Mike.” “Was Bill Hicks in that test audience?” ha ha haw. Goat boy called it like he saw it Mikey. You made your 14 mill, now hit the fucking road. Goat boy has invited some people over to see the video premiere of the Goat-Boy Edited Version. Ha ha ha. I am Goat boy. “What do you want, Goat Boy? You big old smelly, shaggy thing?” Ho ho ho. Goat Boy is here to please you. “How?” Ha ha ha. Tie me to your headboard, throw your legs over my shoulders and let me wear you like a feed-bag Pnaar wwww. “Aaargh!” Hold onto my horns. “Goat-Booooy!” Yes my love. “You’re a big old smelly thing.” Ha ha ha. I need professional help at this point I think I need a priest at this point. “Forgive me Father for I have sinned.” “What have you done my son?” “Well, I said the word ‘fuck’ gratuitously.” “Yes and what else, my son?” “Er… [giggles] I lied.” “Yes and what else my son?” “That’s about all, oh oh one thing I keep thinking I’m a randy goat, fucking everyone. Ha ha ha. baaaaaa” Unless of course it’s a woman priest in which case it’ll go like this: Forgive me Father for what I’m about to do. Dodoby doo. People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing, you know. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to. Ha, fuck, I don’t care. Have a hermaphrodite one. I don’t fucking care. Have one with three dicks and eight titties, I don’t , I don’t… You know, have one with gills and a trunk. That would be cool. I might go see that, you know, but… You know, I appreciate your quaint traditions and superstitions. I on the other hand am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of life, which exists in all of our hearts. Ha ha That middle man thing, it’s wacky and I appreciate it… Gotta run, there’s a voice a-callin’ me. Ha ha ha. Now you guys are totally weird sexually. Here’s why. Oh yeah, coming from Goat Boy, oh boy. “Yes Bill, and how is that? That we have human sex? Does that bother you Bill?” Goat Boy finds that disgusting. Where is the fun in that? Ha ha. Goat Boy loves young girls. 16 years old ooh Goat Boy, hello. “Hi Goat Boy you big old smelly thing. Ooh you smell like an old boot.” Ha ha ha. I don’t see you running away. “I’m not scared of you… Besides, your eyes are really kind and peaceful. Except for that fire that burns real far deep inside of ’em.” Ha ha ha “Oh Goat Boy, what’s that?” That is my purple wand, and my hairy sack of magic. “You do tricks?” Ha ha ha. “What can you do with that?” Goat Boy can make a bell ring in your stomach “What does that bell mean?” It calls Goat Boy to dinner Ha ha. Gnoor. “Goat Boy, aargh!” “Okay Bill, stop with the Goat boy thing, we get it alright. It’s kinda amusing but… okay.” You don’t like Goat boy? Goat boy is hurt by your indifference. He wanted you to come dance with him in the pastures. Ding ding. Goat Boy wants to string flowers through your hair, and on your head. Do do do be do. “Why do you like young girls Goat Boy?” Because you are beautiful. There’s nothing between your legs, it’s like a wisp of cotton candy framing a paper cut. Ha ha ha. Gnor. And turn you around and open your cheeks, it’s like a little pink quivering rabbit nostril. Oh how cute! I bet your asshole tastes better than most girls’ pussies. Come here. Gnor. “Goat Boooy.” Gnor. “Shaggy old thing. I’m not going to kiss you, I don’t know where your mouth’s been.” Do you want me to tell you? “Okay, Bill seriously this Goat Boy thing, it’s getting weird.” Ha ha Except for some of my goat children. [laughs, points into the audience] “Mooore, Faaather, mooore, more Goat Boy, Faather. We are your goat children. We too lay in the forest waiting for young virgins to come.” But you guys are weird, get this. I’m walking down through the West End one day right and this bus-load of tourists from Iowa gets off the bus. Big cow people, right? Bump into me and I go flying into this adult bookstore. And my hands were in my pockets and I took em out and money flew out of my hands and wafted down onto the cash register and this guy hands me a magazine. How embarrassing. I go home immediately to the hotel and throw it away. Toward the garbage, it breaks open, face up on the bed. Give me a break, Lord. But I’m looking at your British hard-core pornography which I just spent hard-core fucking dollars for. And I’m going, “something’s wrong with this.” Goat Boy will figure it out! I realise it’s porno yeah just what we know and love, but there’s blue dots covering all the good shit! Woah, whaaat’s going on? There’s a guy standing there like this. There’s a woman kneeling, well… I believe she was like this. And there’s this big blue dot right here. What the fuck! This comes off I hope. [mimes scratching] What you gotta buy the blue dot eraser separately. what the fuck? I’m an adult. Don’ t protect me. Let’s go! Goat Boy wants his money back. You know. And then I see a club in the West end that has this marquee sign, says Live Sex Show On Stage. I thought what a bummer actually have to be the guy that holds the blue dot. [Mimes moving a blue dot up and down] Alright but what’s weird is, that’s your hard core porno, then you go home, turn on Channel 4 late at night, there’s people fucking yeah they’re right there. No blue dot, just people fucking right there. Free, no money, people fucking. It’s a foreign film, it’s art all of a sudden. Hey. Put some subtitles in there. Here’s your pussy, here, you got it. Everyone happy? There you go, it’s art, godammit. Alright, I see. You pay, you get ripped off – free you get it all. Dig it, love it! I am available for children’s parties by the way. “Mommy, I want Goat Boy to come play at our house.” Ha ha ha But, you know… Pot, right. Aaah, they lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Liiie. When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well, you just realise, it’s not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference. “(toke, toke, toke) Sure I can get up at dawn (toke, toke), go to a job I hate, that does not inspire me creatively whatsoever, for the rest of my fucking life. Or I can wake up at noon and learn how to play the sitar!” Nging nging nging now. Pretty simple when it’s spelled out in black and white isn’t it? You know. Only thing I’ve ever heard about pot is that pot might lower sperm count. Good! There’s too many fucking people in the world. Someone needs to say that by the way. Tired of this, “Hey hey aren’t we the coolest. Humans are so neat.” Too many of yer. Quit rutting, just for a fucking day. Let’s work out this food/air deal. Then go back to your rutting. But I’ll tell you this. Where’s this idea that childbirth is a miracle came from. Ha, I missed that fucking meeting, okay? “It’s a miracle, childbirth is a miracle.” No it’s not. No more than a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass. It’s a chemical reaction, that’s all it fucking is. If, you you wanna know what a miracle is. Raisin’ a kid that doesn’t talk in a movie theatre. Okay, there, there, there is a goddam miracle. It’s not a miracle if every nine months any yin yang in the world can drop a litter of mewling cabbages on our planet. And just in case you haven’t seen the single mom statistics lately, the miracle is spreading like wild-fire. “Hallelujah!” Trailer parks and council flats all over the world just filling up with little miracles. Thunk, thunk, thunk, like frogs laying eggs. “Thunk, look at all my little miracles, thunk, filling up my trailer like a sardine can. Thunk. You know what would be a real miracle, if I could remember your daddy’s name, aargh, thunk. I guess I’ll have to call you Lorry Driver Junior. Thunk. That’s all I remember about your daddy was his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me shooting his caffeine ridden semen into my belly to produce my little water-headed miracle baby, urgh. There’s your brother, Pizza Boy Delivery Junior.” “Hallelujah!” Hold on for a minute, let’s figure out this food/air deal okay? Okay. I’m just weird, you know? How about have a neat world for kids to come to? Ha ha okay it’s me, fuck it. Drop ’em like fucking flies, boom, just fill up the world with em. I just don’t get it you know, I mean I’m sorry man, you know kids are fine, just keep em away from me. Alright there, alright. Now get this, I’ve been travelling all over the country on British Air. No smoking on British Air. Now let me get this straight, no smoking, right, but they allow children. Little fairness, huh? “Well smoking bothers me.” Well guess what? I was on this one flight right, I’m flying, I’m sleeping on the plane, I’m fucking “knackered”. Very tired right and I feel this tapping on my head. And I look up and there’s this little kid – loose! on the fucking plane, he’s just loose. It’s his playground in the sky. And he has decided that his job is to repetitively tap me on the top of the head. I look across the aisle at his mom. She’s just smiling, you know. Guy next to the mom goes, “They’re so cute when they’re that small.” Isn’t that amazing, letting your kid run loose on a fucking plane. And then the kid runs over to the emergency exit and he starts flipping that handle to the door. And the guy next to the mom starts to get up, and I go, “Wait a minute… we’re about to learn an important lesson right here.” Kwoooshh. Why you’re right, the smaller he gets, the cuter he is. God, I wish I had a camera right now. With a telescopic lens. Like to get a picture of his face when his pudgy little legs hit that farmhouse down there. Aah, aah, kids. Ha ha. Stewardess, since we got a breeze in here can we smoke now? Fairly well circulated at this point. Woosh. True story. But, you know. Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit… paranoid? You know what I mean? It’s nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law? It grows everywhere. Serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying to God made a mistake. You know what I mean, it’s like God on the seventh day looked down on his creation: “There it is, my creation, perfect and holy in all ways. Now, I can rest.” [Mimes God looking around – spotting pot] “Oh my me.” “I left fucking pot everywhere.” “I should never have smoked that joint on the third day ..shit.” “That was the day I created possums. Haha. Still gives me a chuckle.” “If I leave pot everywhere that’s gonna to give humans the impression they’re supposed to… ‘use’ it.” “(sigh)Now I have to create Republicans.” And God wept. I believe is the next verse. You know what I mean? I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. Okay, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you’re real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. “I forgot the code, is it two blinks yes, one blink no?” Do you think magic mushrooms growing atop cow shit was an accident? Where do you think the phrase, ‘that’s good shit’ came from? Why do you think Hindus think cows are holy? Holy shit! Why do I think MacDonalds is the Anti-Christ? That’s God little accelerator pad for our evolution. Let’s think about this, man. For billions of years, sorry fundamentalists, we were nothing but apes. Hahahaha. Probably too stupid to catch a cow, you know. [Mimes ape chasing and losing a cow] [Ape spots shit] [Wipes it off foot] [Eats mushroom – begins to giggle] [Laughs] [Laughs] [laughs hysterically before lying back spaced out] “I think we can go to the moon.” (‘Thus Spake Zarathustra’ plays) [Applause] That is exactly how it fucking happened. Except for the marketing people whose belief is, “No, it was proven that er it might be a good market on the moon and eer and a lot of people went up there, good numbers, good space numbers…” Urgh. Save your story of creation please. Not all drugs are good, now. Okay? Some of em are great. Just gotta know your way around em that’s all. Yeah I’ve had good times on drugs. I’ve had bad times on drugs too. I mean shit, look at this haircut. There are dangers. I think some of y’all have tripped here before perhaps yeah? I used to love tripping, man. There’s always one guy when you’re tripping who wants you to do something to enhance the trip. You know what I’m talking about. “You’re tripping? Oh duuude, you gotta play miniature golf.” [Bill hangs onto the table] Ha ha Yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking, man. I’m just sitting over here watching the pyramids be built by UFOs right now, but get me to that fucking golf course. I’m watching Jesus flying around on a unicorn, but I bet that little miniature golf would be just the thing to make this trip peak. So you guys can use your legs huh? No, it’s just that I’m turning into a fish right now and er how ’bout I meet you there later? Thanks, I’m pretty fucking high right now. Thank you. You know. You just gotta be careful, I don’t know what you gotta be, fuck it. We got pulled over tripping on acid one night, pulled over by the cops. Don’t recommend it. Cops don’t appreciate fish driving around. They frown on that. Long night, man. Cops were tapping on this window. We’re staring at him in this mirror. “How tall are you?” “A liddle cop, look at him!” “How does he drive that big fucking car?” “Urr, there could be thousands of them, shit!” “What are we gonna do?” “Let’s put him in the jar.” Made perfect sense at that moment. Put him in a jar, poke some holes in the lid, leave him by the road. “You’ll never get us copper. Haha.” “We’ll send some little firemen to let you out.” “Hey I bet they know where the miniature golf course is!” “Boo! Haha.. Fuck it, they scared us.” “Son d’you wanna stand up please?” “I just found the driver.” “We don’t need a driver, we’re playing miniature golf.” True story. Now, later, when I was released [laughter] I mean spiritually… Oh God. “I need to see some ID.” “I’m me, he’s him, you’re you.” “Put your hands against the car please.” “Which one. The UFO, the unicorn or your cruiser?” Drugs have done good things for us, if you don’t believe they have, do me a favour – take all your albums, tapes and CDs and burn em cos you know what, the musicians who made that great music that has enhanced your lives throughout the years? Rrrrreal fucking high, ha ha ha ho ho. And these other musicians today who don’t do drugs and in fact speak out against them? Boy, do they suck! What a coincidence! Ball-less, souless, spiritless corporate little bitches, suckers of Satan’s cock, each and every one of them. Gnorr. “We’re rock stars against drugs cos that’s what the President wants.” Aw, suck Satan’s cock. That’s what we want isn’t it, government approved rock n roll? Whooh, we’re partying now! “We’re rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials.” Gnorr. Suck Satan’s cock. Put that big scaly pecker down your gullet. Drink that black worm jizzum. Drink it! Fill your little bellies. Ha ha ha. Send in Vanilla Ice. Hello Vanilla. Says here on your application, you have no talent, and yet you want to be a star. I think something can be arranged. Whuh. Suck Satan’s cock. Gnoor. I will lower the standards of the earth. I will put 56 channels of American Gladiators on every tv. I will put all the money in the hands of 14 year old girls. They will think you are charismatic, deep and edgy. GnnooOOooOor. Send in MC Hammer on your way out. Hello Hammer. Back again, huh? Boy, that Hammer. There was another boat that left me on the island, man. “Bill, are you gonna get on the Hammer boat with us?” “No, I’d rather stay here and eat my own flesh.” Beep, beep. Totally mystifying, I mean, you know you could sit and explain it to me from now until, well, the end of time, and I’ll go, “Fucking don’t get it, man.” I, It.. it’s geni.. it’s con, genital? it’s err genetic!. Maybe it is genital, Hay, wait a minute. Freud, come here! “Hammer’s a great dancer.” Whaaat? The guy’s gotta a sand crab in his knickers. [Dances] He’s not dancing, he’s having a fit! That’s Satan’s sperm eating its way through the lining of his stomach. Gnoor. 15 minutes almost up, Hammer! Ooorgh argh. Ha ha ha. Send in Marky Mark. You know what I mean though, am I the only one that’s fucking lost here? You never see positive drugs stories on the news, do ya. Isn’t that weird cos most of the experiences I’ve had on drugs, were rrreal fucking positive. Er. Who are these morons they’re finding that’s what I wanna know. I used to want to call the news, “Come over to our house! Watch Tommy’s, he’s a pig, film him!” “Oink oink.” “Hee hee, he’s been doing that for hours. He’s killing us. You getting all that?” You know what I mean. Always that same LSD story, you’ve all seen it. “Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy.” What a dick, fuck him! He’s an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn’t he take off from the ground first? Check it out. You don’t see ducks lining up to catch elevators to fly South. They fly from the ground, you moron. Quit ruining it for everybody. He’s a moron, he’s dead, good. We lost a moron, fucking celebrate. Boy I just felt the world get lighter – we lost a moron. Put on the Hammer album, I’m ready to dance! [dances] “We lost a moron.” I don’t mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but I am so that’s the way it comes out. Professional help is being sought. How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn’t that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy. “Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we’re the imagination of ourselves.” “Here’s Tom with the weather.” You’ve been fantastic and I hope you enjoyed it. There is a point, is there a point to all of this? Let’s find a point. Is there a point to my act? I would say there is. I have to. The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it’s very brightly coloured and it’s very loud and it’s fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, “hey – don’t worry, don’t be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride…” And we… kill those people. Ha ha “Shut him up.” “We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real.” Just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn’t matter because: It’s just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defences each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. Thank you very much, you’ve been great. [Applause] I hope you enjoyed it. London, you were fantastic, thank you, thank you very much. [bow] [bow] [three shots ring out – Bill crumples to the ground] ———————————————————– CUT: Bill slams against the Monolith, and slides to the ground CUT: the riderless white horse walks along the road, away from the camera VO: It’s Just A Ride… It’s Just A Ride…

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John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid (2015) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-comeback-kid-2015-full-transcript/

Armed with boyish charm and a sharp wit, the former “SNL” writer John Mulaney offers sly takes on marriage, his beef with babies and the time he met Bill Clinton All right, Petunia. Wish me luck out there. You will die on August 7th, 2037. That’s pretty good. All right. Hello. Hello, Chicago. Nice to see you again. Thank you. That was very nice. Thank you. Look, now, you’re a wonderful crowd, but I need you to keep your energy up the entire show, okay? Because… No, no, no. Thank you. Some crowds… some crowds, they have big energy in the beginning and then they run out of places to go. So… I don’t judge those crowds, by the way, okay? We’ve all gone too big too fast and then run out of room. We’ve all made a “Happy Birthday” sign… Wait. You get that poster board up, and you’re like, “I don’t need to trace it. I know how big letters should be. To begin with, a big-ass ‘H’. Followed by a big-ass ‘A’ and… Oh, no! Oh, God! Okay, all right. Real skinny ‘P’ with a high hump, and then we’ll put the second ‘P’ below the hump of that first ‘P’, sort of like a motorcycle sidecar situation. And now I have no room for the ‘Y’, so I’ll do a kind of curled-up noodle ‘Y’. Block letters and cursive look good together.” And then you go to write “Birthday” and you totally forget the lesson you just learned with “Happy.” You’re like, “Yeah, but the past is the past. Big-ass ‘B’. Surely more letters will fit in the same space.” You’re very friendly here in Chicago. I mean, we’re all violent here, but you’re very friendly. No, really. And I don’t like confrontation, ’cause I’ve never been in a fight before. Though, maybe you could tell that from the first moment I walked out on stage. I don’t give off that vibe. Some people give off a vibe of… Right away, they’re like, “Do not fuck with me.” My vibe is more like, “Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you.” When I walk, for real, my feet go out like this. I’m so open and vulnerable. I look like a doll that you point out molestation on. “Show us on this white comedian where the man touched you.” It’s been a while since I’ve been home to Chicago. I got married since then. Thank you. I married my wife. I love saying “my wife.” It sounds so adult. “That’s my wife.” It’s great, you sound like a person. I said it even before we were married. We were just dating, and we were once getting on an airplane, and Anna’s ticket didn’t say anything and my ticket said “priority access.” It doesn’t matter why. But we were getting on and I said, “Uh, can my wife board with me?” And they were like, “Yes, of course. Right this way.” And I was like, “Oh, that is so much better than all those times I was like, ‘Can my girlfriend come?'” And, yeah, I shouldn’t have said it that way, but still. “My wife” just has some kick-ass to it, you know? “Get away from my wife! No one talk to my wife!” Marriage is gonna be very magical. “I didn’t kill my wife!” That’s like, “Ooh, who’s that fella? I bet he did kill his wife.” Being married is so nice. I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself. That’s not really a joke, that’s just a little sweet thing I like to say. ‘Cause I’d been in relationships where I got cheated on, like, long ones. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a long relationship where you got cheated on, but it changes your whole worldview. ‘Cause when I was a kid, I used to watch America’s Most Wanted. You know how kids do. And I would always think to myself, “How could another person kill someone? How could a human being kill another human being?” And then I got cheated on, and I was like, “Oh, okay.” “I’m not gonna do it, but I totally get it.” And I don’t mean in that way of, like, “No one else can have you.” I don’t care about that. It’s just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. They have a lot of information. Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die. I can’t have them roaming around. I talked to a lot of people before I got engaged, you know. And I heard this expression about whether or not you should get married. This is an old expression. People say this. They say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” You ever heard that before? It’s a bananas insulting expression… to an entire gender. But also, it makes no sense. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own. That’s not even a situation. Was that a problem at one point? Like, in the dairy community? Was that happening a hundred years ago in some village? Some Dutch prick was sneaking in at night being like, “Ah-ha-ha, I take your milk.” And the farmer was like, “Well, then, this is your cow now.” And he was like, “No, no proof of purchase.” And he ran off into the night. That sounded Dutch, right? You know what that… you know what that expression means? It means, “Why would you marry a woman if she’s already having sex with you?” Which has nothing to do with what relationships are even like anymore. Now, it’s like, “Why buy the cow?” Uh, maybe because, every day, the cow asks you when you’re gonna buy it. And… … you live in a really small apartment with the cow, so you can’t avoid that question at all. And also, the cow is way better at arguing than you are. And the cow grew up in a family that knows how to argue. “Why buy the cow?” Uh, maybe because every time another cow gets bought, you have to go to the sale and you have to sit next to your cow at the sale, and your cow looks over at you the entire time like… And does not enjoy the sale at all… even though she’s the one that wanted to go to the sale. And she’s especially mad because that farmer and cow met, like, eight months after you guys met. “Why buy the cow?” Well, let’s be real here. You’re very lucky to have the cow that you do have. “Roping in cows and getting milk out of them was never anything you were known for, John.” By the most liberal of estimates, there have been about eight cows total, several unmilked, and… a lot of people think that you like bulls, and if you just bought… They assume it. When you search your name, the third thing to come up is like, “John Mulaney bull?” And if you just bought the cow, nobody would say that anymore. They’ll still say it. ‘Cause there are those guys who, they buy a cow, and then on the side, total matador, but… But, for real, Chicago, why buy the cow? Let’s be real. Why buy the cow? Because you love her. You really do. And, yeah, yeah… Sure, she’s a bossy little Jew, but… … she takes care of you. And you don’t wanna be some old man stumbling around, like, “Hey, you seen any loose milk?” My wife is Jewish. She’s a New York Jew. I did it! Now, I was raised Catholic. I don’t know if you can tell that from the everything about me. My wife is Jewish, I grew up Catholic, so we got married by a friend. Being married by a friend is a beautiful ceremony that alienates both families’ religions, while confusing the elderly people at the wedding. “What’s the name of the bishop?” “That’s actually stand-up comedian Dan Levy. He was the host of MTV’s Your Face or Mine?” I saw a lot of Catholic weddings, though, because I was an altar boy… And a hush falls over the room. Isn’t it weird how that became a scandalous thing? That was just some boring shit I had to do on weekends. But now, it’s like saying, “I was a French maid for a period of time. I was treated well in my day. I worked for a variety of sirs.” No, being an altar boy was just a boring gig, you know? You’d serve Mass and then you’d serve weddings sometimes. My brother was once an altar boy at a wedding, and he was standing there with another altar boy in this big, packed church in Chicago where we grew up. And the bride was coming down the aisle, and the organ was playing, and all the pews were filled, and the bride got all the way to the altar, and the groom lifted the veil off of the bride, and right at that moment the other altar boy said, “Aw, she’s ugly.” And then they looked, and they were right next to the video camera. And I know that’s awful, but wouldn’t you give a million dollars to see that wedding video? It was the best moment of this stupid woman’s life, and she’s walking down the aisle, and the organ’s like… And she gets all the way to the altar to her betrothed, and he unveils her to the world and to the eyes of God. And right at that second, for no reason at all, some Cheeto-fingered, rat-mustached, 13-year-old prick decides to go, “Aw, she’s ugly!” Hopefully the videographer knew some sound editing so he could fix it to be like, “Aw, she’s beautiful. She’s enchanting.” I grew up Catholic. I don’t go to church anymore. But I went on Christmas Eve with my parents, ’cause you know how you lie to your parents. So… we go into the church and I was like, “I got this under control.” And then I got schooled because they introduced a bunch of new shit. No, I was going through Mass and I was batting, like, .400. And then in the middle of Mass, the priest said, “Peace be with you.” And everyone said, “And with your spirit.” And I was the one pre-Y2K asshole going, “And also with you. What? Huh? What? Huh? What? When? When?” For those of you that aren’t Catholic, I don’t mean to exclude you, even though we love to exclude you, but… There’s a part in church where the priest says, “Peace be with you.” And for many, many years, we all said… – “And also with you.” – Very good. But they changed it to “And with your spirit.” Because that’s what needed revamping in the Catholic Church. That was the squeaky wheel that needed the grease. In Rome, they were like, “Let’s see. What problems can we solve? Problem one. No.” I’m actually glad they changed that, though. I never liked “And also with you.” I always found that clunky. “And also with you.” That’s not how you talk. – “Have a nice day.” – “And also you having one.” It’s just a little bit wrong, isn’t it? It’s just a little off. Like, when someone’s like, “How are you?” And you’re like, “Nothing much.” And it sort of makes sense. Never begin a sentence with “And also.” You just immediately sound caught off-guard. It sounds like if at the first church ever, like, they weren’t expecting it. Like, the priest was like, “Hey, this is the first time we’ve ever had church. I just wanna say, ‘Peace be with you.'” And they were like… “What? Oh. Uh, yeah. And also you should have some.” “Hey, that’s good. Let’s keep that for 2,000 years. And then change it to trick John.” My wife and I don’t have any children, we have a dog. We have a little puppy named Petunia. She’s a tiny little French bulldog puppy. I like having a puppy that’s a bulldog, ’cause it’s like having a baby that is also a grandma. Her body is young, her face is as old as time. She definitely saw the Nazis march into Paris. She always gives me this look of like, “Oh, the things I have seen, you cocksucker. You have no idea. The Gestapo threw my printing press into a river. But, go, tell your fucking jokes. Bring me my dish.” She said that. Petunia… Petunia is my best friend in the world. I give her a million kisses a day. She does not like me, and barks at me and bites me all day long. We had to get a dog trainer into the apartment because Petunia is a bad dog. We tell her that every day. We go, “Hey, you’re bad at being a dog.” So, the trainer came into the apartment. Sorry, didn’t even walk into the apartment, walked into the threshold and went, “Oh, okay.” Like she was an exorcist or something. She said, “I see what the problem is.” She said, “Petunia has become the alpha of the house.” And then she pointed at me, she said, “You are no longer the alpha of the house.” And in the back of my head, I was like, “I was never the alpha of the house.” I turned to my wife, I was like, “Let’s pretend. It’ll be fun. Yes… My title of alpha, which I once had, how can I reclaim it? Because that was a thing that existed at one time.” She said, “You need to show dominance over your puppy.” These are things people say to me. I said, “How do I do that?” She said, “Well, let me ask you this. Who eats dinner first, you or Petunia?” I was like, “Petunia eats dinner first. She eats dinner at 5:00 p.m., ’cause she’s a foot long and two years old.” She said, “No, you need to eat dinner first. Because the king eats before anyone else eats.” Oh, yes, and what a mighty king I will be, eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon. “Look upon your sovereign, Petunia, and tremble. My lands stretch across this entire one bedroom, and I eat dinner whenever I choose, as long as it works for the schedule of a dog.” She said, “Now, you don’t actually have to eat dinner before Petunia. You just have to convince Petunia that you’ve already eaten.” So… for the past month, I shit you not… before my wife and I give Petunia her dish, we take down empty bowls and spoons, and in front of her, we go, “Mmm, dinner. Mmm, good dinner.” Like we’re space aliens in a play about human beings that they wrote, but they didn’t work that hard on. “Mmm, we’re eating dinner.” Meanwhile, Petunia’s just staring at us with her Paul Giamatti face, like… “You’re not eating dinner, cocksucker. Dish, now.” I have a wife and a dog, and we just bought a house. We have a new house. It was built in the ’20s, but it was flipped in 2014. Which means it’s haunted, but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash. Actually, we didn’t buy a house. A bank bought a house, and I’m allowed to keep my shirts and pants there while I pay it off for 30 years. The woman from the bank came over and she showed me my mortgage broken down month by month for 30 years. And she said, “So, for instance, this is what you’ll pay in July of 2029.” And I burst out laughing. I was like, “2029? That’s not a real year. By 2029, I’ll be drinking moon juice with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I’m not gonna be writing you a paper check.” I like having a house, but I loved looking for a house, ’cause I love real estate agents. I mean, they are the true heroes. They really are. Have you ever watched HGTV? Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives. Every episode of HGTV is like, “Craig and Stacia are looking for a two-story A-frame that’s near Craig’s job in the downtown, but also satisfies Stacia’s need to be near the beach which is nowhere near Craig’s job. With three children and nine on the way, and a max budget of $7… let’s see what Lori Jo can do on this week’s episode of You Don’t Deserve A Beach House.” I loved our real estate agent. It was so fun to hang out with her. It was like hanging out with my mom. ‘Cause, you know, real estate agents always look like your mom. And they have various Chico’s accoutrements. They always have kind of fun mom energy. And they’re always, “So excited to see you two.” We would have little conferences before we walked into a house. She’d go, “Let’s talk. Let’s talk before we go in.” We’re, like, two feet from the door. “So, there’s no toilets. And I know that was on your list. But I think I can get him to budge. Let’s go.” So, we’d have a real estate agent, and then, like, the house would have a real estate agent who’s just some guy sitting in a big chair. And these two always hated each other. They’d be like, “Hi, Tony.” “Hi, Kim.” It’s like, “Jesus Christ! What, were you two in the Eagles together? What is the animosity about?” Our real estate agent wanted us to have a baby more than anyone else in our lives, more than anyone in our family. She hinted about it constantly. Every room she walked into, she’d be like, “So, this could be an office.” “Or maybe a nursery.” “Yeah. No, like we said, we don’t know if we’re gonna have… ” “No, no. I know, I know, you know. You don’t know if you’re gonna have ’em, but you know. You know, you never know. Sometimes you don’t know what’s gonna happen, and then… you know, something happens.” “Well, yeah, that’s how all of life works.” “Okay, all right. Okay. Uh-huh. Mmm. This is an on-fire garbage can. Could be a nursery.” She showed me a backyard once. She goes, “I don’t even like this backyard for you.” I was like, “Oh, do tell.” She said, “It’s all pavement. I think you should have some grass out there. You know, in case you have a couple… little guys… running around in the grass.” And I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. I was like, “Hey, lady. I went outside about as much as Powder from the movie Powder. My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles. These are my children. And that’s my wife!” I didn’t mean to make it sound like we don’t want children. We don’t, but I didn’t mean to make it sound like that. See, I just don’t think babies like me very much. Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all. Like, I’ll be on an elevator, and a baby will be there in its big, like, stroller activity tray, just, like, working on one Cheerio with Bobby Fischer-like intensity. And it’ll look up at me and go… I like to lean in and go, “Stop snitchin’, motherfucker.” And then walk off. ‘Cause you’re never too young to learn our national no-snitching policy. My friends have babies and I don’t do so well with them. I had a run-in with a two-year-old girl. I know there are better ways to start that story, but… My friend, Jeremy, has this two-year-old girl, and I really like her. She’s a sweet kid. I really like his daughter a lot. But I was over at his family’s house for the Fourth of July, and he had his daughter on his knee. And it was a very lovely day. His whole extended family was there. And he was bouncing his two-year-old up and down, and he pointed at me and he said to his two-year-old, “Do you know who that is? That’s your Uncle John.” And I was like, “Oh, my God. That’s so sweet. I’m her Uncle John.” And then the baby pointed at me and said, “Uncle John has a penis.” I thank you for laughing, because no one did that day! Fell deadly silent, is what they all did. Hey, do you know what you’re supposed to say when a baby points at you and knowingly says, “He has a penis”? No, I’m asking, ’cause I don’t know what to say in that situation. Here’s what I went with that day. I said, “Oh, come on!” I don’t know. I thought that’d be good. But then it just made it worse, ’cause it sounded like the baby and I had an arrangement not to talk about it, and she had violated my trust. Like, the baby had been like, “Do you have a penis?” And I was like, “Yes, I do, but you’re a baby, so discretion is key.” And then the next day she goes, “He has a penis,” and I go, “Oh, come on! Someone can’t keep a secret!” Luckily, Jeremy’s wife saved the day. The baby’s mom saved the day. She came in and she picked up the baby, and she was like, “It’s okay. She’s just going through that phase where she says penis and vagina a lot.” Aren’t we all? And, by the way, it would’ve been a totally different situation if the baby had said vagina. Like, if a grown woman had walked in the room, and the baby had been like, “She has a vagina,” the woman could be like, “Yes, I do, and it’s magnificent.” And we would all be like, “Hooray! You are brave!” No one wants to applaud the penis of a 32-year-old weirdo. It’s fun to be married. I’ve never been supervised before. I’m supervised. She studies what I do. Like an anthropologist. She’ll be like, “Sometimes, he will watch a movie on TV even though he already owns that movie on DVD. Pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him.” I had no supervision when I was a kid. We were free to do what we wanted. But also, with that, no one cared about kids. I grew up before children were special. I did. Very early ’80s, right before children became special. Like, I remember when milk carton kids became a thing. When they were like, “Hey, we should start looking for some of these guys. I don’t think they’re just blowing off steam.” No one cared about my opinion when I was a little kid. No one cared what I thought. Sometimes, people would say, “What do you think you’re doing?” But that just meant “Stop.” They didn’t actually wanna know my thought process. They didn’t want me to be like, “Well, I was gonna put this bottle rocket into this carton of eggs, so that when I lit off the bottle rocket, the eggs would explode everywhere.” “Oh, well, that’s very interesting. And what brought you to this experiment?” “Oh, well, thank you for asking. Well… you know how I’m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time… and I have no outlet for it. So… eggs.” Your opinion doesn’t matter in elementary school either. It matters in college. College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, “I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.” And they’re like, “Partial credit.” And that’s a whole thing. But in elementary school, it doesn’t matter what you think, it just matters what you know. You have to have answers to questions. And if you say, “I don’t know,” you get an X on your test, and you get it wrong and that’s not fair, ’cause your brain has never been smaller. Also, that’s not how life works. I’m in my 30s now. If you came to me now and you were like, “Hey, John, name three things that the Stamp Act of 1775 accomplished.” I’d go, “I don’t know. Get out of my apartment,” you know? But when you’re a little kid, you can’t say, “I don’t know.” You should be able to. That should be an acceptable answer on a test. You should be able to write in, “I don’t know. I know you told me. But I have had a very long day. I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.” Or if it’s one of those true or false questions, you should be able to add a third option which is, “Who’s to say?” Kids are much more supervised now, but also, they have a lot of rights. Like, that’s the biggest civil rights increase I’ve seen in my lifetime. The rights of children have gone through the roof. I had no rights when I was a little kid. I remember, one time, I walked into a supermarket by myself, and I walked in through the double doors, and the woman behind the register just looked at me and she went, “No!” And I went, “All right.” And I turned around and left. That’s how broken I was. And there weren’t special things for kids the way there are now. Like, we would just go see movies. Any movie. Like Back to the Future. That was a movie everyone could see. Kids could kinda see it. Great movie, right? I rewatched it recently. It’s a very weird movie. Marty McFly is a 17-year-old high school student whose best friend is a disgraced nuclear physicist. And, I shit you not, they never explain how they became friends. They never explain it. Not even in a lazy way, like, “Hey, remember when we met in the science building?” They don’t even do that. And we were all fine with it. We were just like, “What, who’s his best friend? A disgraced nuclear physicist? All right, proceed.” What a strange movie to sell to be a family movie. Two guys had to go in and do that. They had to be like, “Okay… we got an idea… for the next big family-action-comedy. All right, it’s about a guy named Marty, and he’s very lazy. He’s always sleeping late.” “Okay. Is he cool like Ferris Bueller?” “No. But he does have this best friend who’s, you know, a disgraced… nuclear physicist.” “I’m confused here. This best friend, this is another student?” “No, no, no. No, this guy’s either, like, 40 or 80. Even we don’t know how old this guy’s supposed to be. But one day, the boy and the scientist, they go back in time and they build a time machine. Whoa!” “Okay. I think I see where you’re going here. They build a time machine, and they go back in time, and they stop the Kennedy assassination.” “Ah! Oh, wow, that’s a really good idea, I mean, we didn’t even think of that.” “All right, well, what do they do with the time machine?” “Well, now I’m embarrassed to say. Ah, well, all right, all right, all right. We thought… We thought it would be funny, you know, if the boy, if he went back in time and, you know, he tried to fuck his mom.” “I don’t know. We thought that’d be fun for people. But, no, good point. No, he doesn’t get to, he doesn’t get to. ‘Cause this family friend named Biff, he comes in and he tries to rape the mom in front of the son. The dad’s gotta beat the rapist off of her. And also, we’re gonna imply that a white man wrote ‘Johnny B. Goode.’ So, we’re gonna take that away from ’em.” “Well, this is the best movie idea I have ever heard in my life. We’re gonna make three of them. Now, you say they go to the past. How about we call it Back to the Past?” “No, no, no. Back to the Future.” “Right, but they go to the past.” “Yeah.” Kids have it very good now. My friend’s a teacher. She told me that, uh… the parents will take the kids’ side over the teacher now. That’s insane. That never happened. My parents trusted every grown-up… more than they trusted me. I don’t mean coaches and teachers. Any human adult’s word… was better than mine. Any hobo or drifter could have taken me by the ear up to my front door and been like, “Excuse me! Your kid bit my dick.” And my mom would be like, “John Edmund Mulaney, did you bite this nice man’s dick?” And I would be the only one who’s like, “Hey, doesn’t anyone wanna know why… his dick was near my biters… in the first place? Isn’t anyone curious… as to how I had access?” Don’t get me wrong, my parents love us. They just didn’t like us. We weren’t friends. People are now like, “My mom’s my best friend.” I was like, “Oh, is she a super bad mom?” My parents didn’t trust us, and they shouldn’t have trusted us. We were little goblins. We were terrible. I remember, one time, we were going to this resort for a vacation when we were little kids. Three weeks before we went to the resort, my dad sat us down and he said, “All right, we’re going to a resort, and I’ve just been informed that the man who owns the resort only has one arm.” And we were like, “Oh, yes! Yay! Yes!” “Now, I’m telling you three weeks in advance, so that you will not freak out when you see that he only has one arm.” “Oh, we’re gonna freak out so bad!” “Yes, John, you have a question?” “How did he lose his arm?” “That’s exactly what you won’t ask.” And then I did ask. I went into the kitchen one day, and I was like, “So, how’d you lose your arm?” And he was like, “Well, I was born with only one arm.” And I was like, “Nah.” No, my parents loved us. It’s just, like, they were the cops, you know? And we were criminals. So, we didn’t get along. We only got along in that way that, like, cops will sometimes be chummy with criminals. Like, when my dad and I would talk, it was like that scene in the movie Heat, when Robert De Niro and Al Pacino sit down in that diner. We kind of had that rapport of, like, “Hmm, we’re not so different, you and I. You have your law practice, and me, I have all these fucking markers.” “I guess we both have responsibilities when you look at it that way.” My dad would respect it if I could get away with breaking a rule. We had a rule in our house, you were not allowed to watch TV on a school night. So, every school night, I would 100% be watching TV. And I would hear my dad coming, I would immediately turn the TV off and grab any book, magazine, periodical, anything. And I’d open it and pretend to be doing homework. My dad would walk in the room and he would go, “What are you doing? Are you watching TV?” And I’d go, “No, man. I’m not watching TV.” And the TV wouldn’t even be dark yet. It would still have, like, a neon green halo around it. It’d be sizzling like a glass of Pepsi. And I would look my dad in the eyes and go, “No, I’m just reading this Yellow Pages.” My dad loved us. He just didn’t care about our general happiness or self-esteem. I remember, one time, we were really little kids. I have two sisters and a brother, and all four of us were in our family car ride for three hours going to Wisconsin. My dad was driving, going down the highway in our white van with wood around the side. ‘Cause you remember when you wanted your car to be made of wood? You remember that era? Where we were like, “How much wood can we get on this car… without it catching on fire?” But then the big announcement. “We here at Plymouth-Chrysler can put a saucy stripe of wood safely on the outside of your car, for all those times you’ve looked at your minivan and thought, ‘Huh! It needs a belt.'” So, we’re going on the highway. We’ve been on the road for three hours. And in the distance, we see a McDonald’s. We see the golden arches. And we got so excited. We started chanting, “McDonald’s! McDonald’s! McDonald’s! McDonald’s!” And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering. And then, he ordered one black coffee for himself. And kept driving. And, you know, as mad as that made me as a little kid, in retrospect, that is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. How perfect is that? He had a vanload of little kids, and he got black coffee. The one thing from McDonald’s no child could enjoy. My dad is cold-blooded. He once shushed a kid during Lion King on Broadway. That actually happened. We were at Lion King on Broadway, and there was a five-year-old behind us going, “Look, it’s Pumbaa! Look, it’s Timon!” And my dad turned around and said, “Are you going to talk the entire time?” He’s my hero. The weirdest thing when I was a kid was how much they scared us about smoking weed. They scared us about it constantly. And I’ve been on tour this year… Marijuana is legal in 18 or 19 states in some form or another. It’s insane. Yeah, well… All right, don’t “whoo” if you’re white. It’s always been legal for us. Come on, sir. We don’t go to jail for marijuana, you silly billy. When I was arrested with a one-hitter at a Rusted Root concert, I did not serve hard time. I think I got an award. Eighteen or 19 states. And, by the way, I agree, it’s a very good thing. But it’s also a really weird thing, because this is the first time I’ve ever seen a law change because the government is just like, “Fine.” You know? I’ve never seen it before. Like, gay marriage and healthcare, we have to battle it out in the Supreme Court, and be like, “Gay people are humans.” And they’re like, “We’ll think about it.” But with weed, it was just something we wanted really badly, and we kept asking them for 40 years, like, “Excuse me.” And then suddenly the government became like cool parents, and they’re just like, “Okay, here. Take a little. We’d rather you do it in the house than go somewhere else… blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Those stupid parents. And that’s a big deal because they scared us about weed constantly. It would be on our sitcoms. We’d be watching Saved by the Bell, we’d be having a great old time. And then, suddenly, a character we had not seen before would show up with some weed and the episode would stop cold in its tracks. And they’d always hold the joint… The bad guy would hold the joint in a villainous way. They’d always offer the joint in a way that no one ever holds a joint. Like it’s a skull in a Shakespeare play. And now it’s legal, and that is great news. Unless you’re a weed dealer, and then it is terrible news. And I don’t just mean because they’re about to lose out to Amazon.com. I more feel bad for weed dealers ’cause they’re about to find out that we only showed them a certain amount of politeness because they had an illegal product. And we don’t show that same politeness to people who deliver legal products. Like, when the Chinese food delivery guy comes, we don’t let him hang out after he’s delivered the Chinese food. And we don’t look the other way when he says weird shit to the girls we’re hanging out with… to try to preserve the relationship. And we definitely don’t give him some of the Chinese food. He’s never like, “Hey, can I get in on those dumplings?” And we’re like, “Yeah, we’re all friends.” What are you, on your phone? Hey, V-neck. Hey! – What’s your name? – Sam. Sam? Cool! What do you do to afford V-necks, Sam? Typing numbers. Ah… numbers, the letters of math. I’m sorry to bother you. I don’t mean to single you out. I hate when people get pulled out of the audience. Like, are you familiar with the Cirque du Soleil, Sam? They’re a group of French assholes that are slowly taking over America by humiliating audience members one by one. We once went to see Cirque du Soleil at Navy Pier when I was a kid, and my brother came, and he was 12 years old. You remember being 12, when you’re like, “No one look at me or I’ll kill myself.” And these French bastards come into the crowd, being like, “Le volunteer!” And they pulled my brother up on stage, and I was like, “No!” And they brought him up, and they reached into his sweatshirt, and they were like… And they had planted a bra, and they pulled out a bra and they were like… And everyone at Navy Pier was like “Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!” And my brother was like, “That’s great!” I have had other jobs besides comedy. I was an office temp for a while. I really miss that. I loved being a temp, because I would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week. And then you just get to retire like Lou Gehrig. You’re like, “Thank you. No one will ever see me again.” And they’re like, “Goodbye!” I worked at an office once on 57th Street in New York City. I was there for a couple weeks. I was in a cubicle next to this other cubicle. This woman named Mischa sat in the other cubicle. I want to get the number right. I think Mischa had… about 900,000 photos of her daughter up in her cubicle. Almost like she was trying to solve a conspiracy about her daughter, A Beautiful Mind-style. I think about Mischa two times a week… because of a phone call she had next to me one day. It was one of my first days, and I was sitting next to her. And her phone rang, and this was her call, and I’m quoting. Her phone rang and she said, “Hello? Hush!” And then she hung up. Think about that two times a week. And I didn’t know her well enough by then to be like, “Hey, what kind of a person are you?” You know? Who could she have been talking to? “Hello? Hush!” This was a place of business. My only thought was that it was the CEO of the company being like, “Mischa, help. I’m doing a crossword puzzle. I need a four-letter word for ‘be quiet’ right now.” – “Hush!” – “You’re promoted.” I temped at a little web company on 25th Street in New York City. It was a small web company owned by this old man who was old, old, old money New York. His name was Henry J. Finch IV. Like old, old, old money. Like, his money was in molasses or something. He owned this web company. I have no idea why he owned this web company. I think he won it in a rich man’s game of dice and small binoculars, or something. Mr. Finch wore linen suits. He had suspenders, he had a bow tie, he had a hat, he had a cane with an ivory handle. I’m giving you more description than you need, ’cause I need you to believe me. This was a real person I knew in the 21st century. Mr. Finch was in his 70s. He had an assistant named Mary. She was in her 50s, she was Korean. I don’t know why he had an assistant. He did not need one. Unless he needed someone to be like, “Remember, Mr. Finch, at five o’clock, you need to keep looking like a hard-boiled egg.” One day, Mr. Finch came into the office. It had been raining. Everything I’m about to say to you was said in front of me on that afternoon. Mr. Finch walked into the office, and he was wearing a raincoat, he was wearing a rain hat, and he had his cane. And he walked in and he said, and I’m quoting, “Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!” And then Mary yelled, “Ooh, ducklings!” To which Mr. Finch replied, “Too old to be a duckling. Quack, quack.” And then walked into his office. I think about that every goddamn day. I mean, imagine you’re me. You’re a 22-year-old temp, and you’re so hungover, and you just wanna die every day. And then that happens in front of you, and I don’t know, gives you hope? And I did that a little fast. Let me break that conversation down for you. Mr. Finch walked in, and he began a conversation the way anyone would. “Ah!” “One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet!” The rain. “And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!” Now, that’s debatable. But rather than debate that point, Mary brought up a new, separate, but interesting point… which was, “Ducklings!” But Mr. Finch, ever the realist about his own age and mortality… said, “Ah, too old to be a duckling!” As if to say, “My duckling days are behind me. Mary, don’t you see? I’m a duck now. And to prove it… Well, I’ll say just about the most famous catchphrase a duck has… ‘Quack, quack.'” And I knew right at that moment, by the way, that it meant nothing to Mr. Finch, what he had said. Crazy people are like that. They have unlimited crazy currency. Like, if I had gone into his office a couple weeks later and been like, “Hey, Finch, you remember that time you were like, ‘Too old to be a duckling. Quack, quack’?” He would just be like, “Ah, perhaps I did quack! But such is life for an old knickerbocker like me.” Like, he’d say something else crazy. That’s the wonderful thing about crazy people, you know? Is that they just have unlimited currency. The things they say mean nothing to them, but they mean everything to me. I was once walking into Penn Station in New York. I was walking down 31st Street towards Eighth Avenue. I’m walking down 31st, there’s this woman standing at Eighth and 31st. I have my little roller suitcase. You can all imagine. I’m walking towards her. She’s smoking a cigarette that is not lit anymore. She’s watching me walk, kind of scanning me up and down, as if she had Terminator vision… where she could see little bits of data, like, “Little honky ass,” and could read information. As I walked past her, she said this to me. I walked past her and she said, and I’m quoting, “Eat ass, suck a dick and sell drugs.” Very dirty, yes? A very upsetting thing to hear, yes? I’m sorry you all had to hear that, but at least you all got to hear it as a group. I was alone out there that afternoon. And she said this totally unprompted. “Eat ass, suck a dick and sell drugs.” It wasn’t like I had paused in front of her and been like, “What should I do with my life?” So, I walk away from her with this to-do list. And I like structure, I like a to-do list. It did dawn on me that that list of things does get better as it goes along, when you really think about it. ‘Cause it starts in a pretty rough place. It starts with just about the worst task a to-do list can start with. But by the end, you have your own small business. And isn’t that the American dream when all’s said and done? That if you eat enough ass and suck enough dick, one day you can sell drugs. Imagine you did all that to sell drugs and then they legalize drugs, and you were like, “But I…” This has been a real thrill to perform here, by the way. I just wanna say that in all sincerity. Thanks for coming to this. Really, really appreciate it. I wanna tell you one more story before I get out of here, about the night I met a guy named Bill Clinton. Now, I don’t… Some of you know who that is? For those of you that don’t, he was President of the United States from 1993 until 2001, and he is a smooth and fantastic hillbilly who should be declared Emperor of the United States of America. Now, I know you know who Bill Clinton is. But I was doing a show at a college, and I mentioned Bill Clinton, and, like, they kind of didn’t know who he was. Like, sorry, they knew the name, right? But they only knew this 2015 Bill Clinton, who’s a very different Bill Clinton. Have you seen his ass lately? What the hell is he trying to pull? He’s all thin now, and he wears these little tight suits, and he’s got these grandpa reading glasses, like, “Hey, I can’t do nothing to nobody no more.” “Oh, me? I’m just an old, old man. I don’t have the appetites.” You know? And he’s always flying around the world with Bill Gates trying to cure AIDS. That is not the Bill Clinton that we all signed up for 20 years ago. Our Bill Clinton was like a big, fat Buddy Garrity from Friday Night Lights-looking guy, who played the saxophone on Arsenio, and his work in the STD community was not in curing anything at that time. That was the man we all elected president. That was the Bill Clinton that I met. I got to meet Bill Clinton when he was Governor Clinton in 1992, when he was first running for president. And I got to meet Bill Clinton because my parents had gone to the same college as Bill Clinton. They’re a little younger, but they went to the same college. So, when he was first running for president, he would have all these big, like, alumni fundraisers, and everyone who went was invited to go. Now, this was really cool for a couple reasons. One, I got to meet Bill Clinton. But two, I got to watch my parents watch someone they went to school with become the president. And that is super funny to see, ’cause think about some of the people you went to school with. Now imagine they’re becoming the president. Imagine Sam was becoming the president. It would stir up strong emotions. And my parents had very different opinions on Bill Clinton. My mom loved Bill Clinton, ’cause Bill Clinton was always a really charismatic, handsome guy. I mean, think about how many women he got in the 1990s when he looked like Frank Caliendo doing John Madden. Now… imagine him as a college student. And my mom tells me that there was this sort of chivalrous policy on campus back then, where, late at night, if female students were leaving the library unaccompanied, male students were encouraged to wait out in front and offer to walk them home. That sounds good, right? So, my mom tells me that Bill Clinton would be out in front of the library every single night… just being like, “Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can I walk ya home?” And one night, my mom was leaving the library, and Bill Clinton was like, “Hey, can I walk ya home?” And my mom was like, “Hell, yes.” So… This is absolutely true. My mom, little Ellen Stanton, walked arm-in-arm with Bill Clinton to her dorm. And she was like, “You know, I wanted to invite him up for a beer.” And I was like, “Thanks, I’m nine.” But… her roommate was upstairs, so she lost her chance with Bill Clinton. Now, my dad, on the other hand, hated Bill Clinton, because my parents were dating during this time. And also, my dad’s a much more morally-upright, conservative kind of guy. He always told me that he hated it in college that Bill Clinton could, quote, “Get away with anything.” Can you imagine how he felt later? So, one day, this invitation arrives for a fundraiser where you could meet Bill Clinton. My mom opens it first and she goes, “Oh, we have to go. We have to go see Bill.” And without looking up at her, my dad just says, “Why? It’s not like he’s gonna remember you.” One black coffee. Same motherfucker. So, my mom says, “Fine! I’ll go and I’ll take John.” And I was like, “Hell, yeah.” And I slid in the room in my First Communion suit, ready to go. ‘Cause I loved Bill Clinton. I was ten years old. If you were a kid when Bill Clinton was first released, it was the most exciting thing ever. We’d never seen a cool politician before. And he would go on MTV, and he’d have cool answers to kids’ questions. They’d be like, “Governor, what’s your favorite food?” And he’d be like, “I don’t know, fries?” And we’d be like, “Yay, we eat fries!” I learned to play his campaign song on the piano. It was “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac… from Rumours, an album written by and for people cheating on each other. He let us know who he was right away. So, I went with my mom, as her date… to reconnect with Governor Bill Clinton. We walked into the ballroom. It was a big hotel ballroom. It was the Palmer House Hilton, big Hilton hotel ballroom. Walked into the ballroom, it was packed with people. It’s actually the ballroom from the end of the movie The Fugitive, remember? So, that ballroom. So, my mom and I walk in, it’s packed with people, the… Sorry, the end where Harrison Ford, as Dr. Richard Kimble, bursts in to confront Dr. Charles Nichols, right? Okay. So, that ballroom. So, my mom and I walk in, it’s packed with people. Why does Kimble confront Nichols? Well, I know we all know this, but… No, no. But, but, but… Kimble, he found out that Nichols, along with Devlin MacGregor and Lentz, who has mysteriously died, they had hired Frederick Sykes, the one-armed man, to kill Kimble. Kimble’s wife wasn’t even the target. I know we all know this. But they were gonna kill Kimble because he wasn’t gonna approve certain liver samples to pass RUD-90. So, Kimble finds out about all of this, and, of course, he’s furious. And he bursts into the ballroom and he goes, “You switched the samples!” And Dr. Nichols is like, “Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Dr. Richard Kimble.” What accent did that guy have, by the way? He goes, “You switched the samples! And you doctored your research! So that you could have Provasic!” Anyway, so it’s that ballroom. So, we walk into that ballroom. It was packed with people. It was packed with people. A real Who’s Not of Chicago celebrities. Walter Jacobson was there. Walter Jacobson was the local Fox anchor. He’d do fun things where he’d go undercover as a homeless person. And he’d be like, “Oh, what time is the soup?” And they’d be like, “Man, you’re Walter Jacobson.” He was there. Everybody. And on the far side of the ballroom, under a spotlight, we saw a little bit of silver hair. And it was him… Bill Clinton. The Comeback Kid. But he was surrounded by reporters, and photographers, and Secret Service. So, what are you gonna do? Well, if you’re my mom, you ball up the back of my sport coat, and you push me forward like a human shield. And then you start jogging while yelling, “This ten-year-old boy has to meet the next president of the United States!” Kind of implying that I might be dying. My feet were not on the ground. She was swinging me like a snowplow. I was just mowing down fat Chicago Democrats. I pushed past all the reporters, I pushed past all the photographers. We pushed past all the Secret Service. We land at Bill Clinton’s feet. Bill Clinton turns, looks at my mom and says, “Hey, Ellen,” ’cause he never forgets a bitch, ever. My mom melts. She goes, “Hi, Bill.” Then it is revealed that she has no plan. So… she pushes me towards Clinton and she goes, “This is my son, John, and he’s also going to be president.” And I was like, “What the hell are you talking about? I’m not gonna be president.” And I know now that I’m definitely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly. Based on my ten-year-old memory, Bill Clinton is about 13 feet tall. And he leaned down, because, well, I was wearing this button that I bought outside the fundraiser. It was a cartoon button of George H. W. Bush, and it had a quail flying over his head, and it was shitting on his head. And it said, “Bird-brained.” And I thought it was very funny. And Bill Clinton leaned down so that only I could hear and he said, “Hey, man, I like your button.” And I said, “You can do whatever you want forever.” And he took my advice. And… it was the best night of my entire life. And I got home that night… I got home that night, and my dad was still awake, like, reading angry under one lamp, just like… And I went up to him and I went, “Hey! I’m gonna be a Democrat.” “And I’m gonna vote for Bill Clinton.” And without looking up at me, my dad just said, “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.” You know, how you talk to a child. So, here’s the end of that story. That was 1992. Let’s flash forward five years to 1997. It is now 1997. I am a sophomore in high school, Bill Clinton is in his second term as president. And on the morning that the Monica Lewinsky scandal breaks on the cover of The New York Times. It had been on the Drudge Report, and then it was on the cover of The New York Times. That morning, I wake up to the newspaper hitting me in the face. I am a teenager asleep in bed, and the newspaper hits me in the face and falls open on my stomach. And I open my eyes to see my dad standing there dressed for work, and he says, “The other shoe just dropped.” And then my dad went in to work to find out that his law firm had been hired to defend Bill Clinton. Good night, Chicago.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts And Prayers (2015) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/anthony-jeselnik-thoughts-prayers-2015-full-transcript/

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, San Francisco. Thank you so much. So good to be here. People were surprised when I told ’em I was gonna tape my special in San Francisco. Said, “Why would you do that? That’s the most politically correct city in the world.” Not when I’m on stage, it’s not. I love this place. One of my favorite cities to perform in. It’s a good place to hang out. Got to walk around a little bit today. Saw a baby. Saw a baby locked inside the back of a hot car. So it’s been a great day. Love that. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a monster. I tried to help the baby. Tried to throw a rock through the window. Window was down. Ruined that baby’s whole weekend. It was worth it. I love San Francisco. One of my favorite things is how beautiful all the women are here. Yeah. Women in San Francisco are gorgeous. I say that despite what’s… going on in this crowd tonight. But you guys live here. You guys live here. You’ve seen ’em. I was in a bar last night, saw this beautiful woman. Like a supermodel. I walked up, I was like, “Hey, where you from? What do you do?” She goes, “Oh, me? I live here in San Francisco. I’m a brain surgeon.” I don’t know if this makes me sexist, but I was really impressed. You know? I mean… Most women… can’t pull off sarcasm. This is gonna be a good show. See, that joke, that joke is a test. To see if you guys are cool or not. That thing about the baby in the car, that’s just me clearing my throat. That joke’s the test. If you guys laugh at that joke, whole show goes great. You don’t laugh at that joke, whole show goes bad. And I’ve had shows go very, very bad. Doesn’t matter to me at all. Now, this next joke, this next joke is a test to see how cool you are. I, uh… I used to have a son. Already some of you see where this is going, that’s good. That’s good. I used to have a little two-year-old son, but he died. The same way Eric Clapton’s son died. For inspiration. I’m not gonna lie, this is the best that joke has ever done. You guys kinda laughed, then started talking to each other for some reason. Then started clapping, that is amazing. Most people just boo me. But if you didn’t understand the joke… don’t worry. It’s a complicated joke, a lot of things you gotta know. That joke is like an onion. You’ve gotta know who Eric Clapton is. Not a given these days. You’ve gotta know about his kid. You gotta know how clumsy that little lad was. You gotta know about that terrible fucking song. And then you gotta think all that’s funny. Now, I gotta get to know you guys a little bit. Starting with you for sure. I can tell you’re a big comedy fan and bat-shit insane. Did you just come from the fucking dentist or what? What is your name? – Peggy Jo. – Peggy. Peggy, what do you try to do? Not a lot, I’m disabled. You’re disabled? I know you’re disabled. Is this your husband with you? Okay. Sir, what do you do, so I can move the fuck on. – I’m an electrician. – You’re an electrician? Great. That’s an honorable job. That’s a good job to have. I’m sure you shock the shit out of her on a daily basis. Electrician. It’s a wonderful job. There’s a lot of bad jobs out there, I’ll tell you that right now. Lot of bad jobs. Hell, my Uncle John runs a summer camp for… kids about to get molested. I know, right? I know, it sounds awful. Sounds awful, but he loves it. He’s like… Says he’s never worked a day in his life. Doesn’t pay much, but the benefits… Do you guys have any kids? How many? I have one, and he has two. Okay. You guys ever done that thing where you go online and see how many sex offenders live around you? Isn’t it crazy? Isn’t it way more than you’d think? You think it might be like one or two. No, it’s like chicken pox. I went online, 15 child molesters. Fifteen child molesters within five miles of my apartment. So, why do we always have to meet at my place? And if you’re wondering, “Anthony, this is great, but are all of these jokes gonna be about hurting children?” I don’t know, probably. Seems like something I would do. I of course live in Los Angeles. I’ve got a nice place. Obviously. My brother’s been staying with me, which has been awful. My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door, I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.” I said, “Get inside.” My family loves it when I put them in jokes. They love it. “Anthony, please, put me in your next joke.” “Are you sure? I’m gonna make you a pedophile.” “We don’t care. We wanna be part of this thing you’ve got going on.” So I wrote that joke, put my brother in. I’m in Chicago, where he lives. After the show, he comes backstage and I say, “Mikey, what’d you think about that new joke? Did you like the shout out?” And he gets all uncomfortable. He goes, “Well, crowd seemed to think it was funny… but I think it’s kinda weird that you got a joke where you wanna fuck me.” And I said, “What, Mikey? No! No, Mikey. You’re my brother. That’s a joke about you masturbating in front of my house.” And he goes, “Yeah, and then you’re like, ‘Get back inside.'” Just in case you guys are wondering whether my brother’s a fuckin’ idiot. Yeah, I’ve got a nice place. Try to keep it nice. Not always successful. Like, I tried getting a puppy. Disaster. Had to get rid of that puppy. Had to get rid of that puppy almost immediately. The first time I left it home alone, the first time I left that puppy home alone, that damn thing tore my entire place apart, shit everywhere, and starved to death. Why are you mad? I’m the one who couldn’t get his money back. And this is traditionally where crowds really start to turn on me. After I kill a puppy with neglect. And it’s okay. It’s okay, you can get mad at me. You can hate me. You can hate me and still laugh at me. That’s how talented I am. And I’m used to it. I’m used to it. I once dated a girl who punched me in the face as hard as she could. Once dated a girl, punched me right in the face as hard as she could. I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t say anything about it. I just turned around and left the room. But in my head, in my head, all I was thinking was… “Now we’re even.” She was so mad. She got mad at me. She got mad at me ’cause I killed all of her plants. Killed every single one of her house plants. And she had told me. She said, “Anthony, I’m going out of town for two weeks. Give each one of these half a cup of water every other day.” But I’m a dude. All I heard was “two weeks” and “cheat on me.” Like my neighbors in L.A… My neighbors in L.A. have got this smokin’ hot 18-year-old daughter. I mean, she’s perfect. But she just got a tattoo of a butterfly over her chest. Which is horrible. Doesn’t she understand how dumb that’s gonna look some day, all stretched out over my lamp? Yeah, that’s a joke. That’s a joke where I’m a serial killer. I’m very open about it. Don’t you dare tighten up on me. I hate sensitivity. I hate it. Even when little kids get sensitive, that makes me mad. I got a six-year-old nephew. I asked what he wants for his birthday. He said, “Uncle Anthony, I want you to get me a Barbie doll.” I said, “Fuck you.” “You six-year-old piece of shit.” And don’t get me wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care if he plays with dolls. He can wear dresses if he wants to. But I’m not getting him a Barbie doll. You see, Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations… …of how easy it’s gonna be to tear off a head. I won’t do it. I get really mad when people get sensitive about comedy. If you’re sensitive about comedy, it’s the dumbest thing you can do. I call them the joke police. They always have one rule, one rule they have. You can’t make fun of this right now. After a couple years, they move on to something else, which is why it’s so hypocritical. Like the thing today, the thing right now you can’t make fun of, the thing that’s too sensitive at this moment? Trans-gendered people. See? You can’t do it. Can’t make fun of them. It’s too sensitive. In fact, you can’t even call them “chicks with dicks” anymore. No. No. You have to call them “men who talk too much.” Right? But I hear this all the time. People’ll be like, “Anthony, that was really funny. But, man, women must hate you. Women must come to your shows and hate the shit out of you.” And I always say, “No. No. Stupid women hate my shows.” “Stupid women hate my shows. Smart women… don’t come to my shows.” Speaking of which, what’s your name? – What? Kim. – Kim. – Kim, where you from? – San Jose. San Jose? Okay. What do you do, Kim? Um, I’m a branch manager. – Like for a bank? For a Pizza Hut? – No, for… What? What the fuck? Where’d you go to school? – UC Santa Cruz. – What’d you study? – Economics. – Economics? Okay. You ever gonna use that someday? I had to go to Catholic school when I was a kid. Hated Catholic school. Hated Catholic school more than anything. The nuns were vicious. They would hit me with a ruler, slap me in the face. Anything to defend themselves. You guys loved the shit out of that one, huh? Hated school. When I was in the fifth grade, one of my classmates got cancer. Came down with the cancer. Which was sad. But the story is actually cool and inspiring. Every single guy… Every single guy in the school, we all… shaved our heads to make fun of him. Yeah. No, it was great. It was great, we did it for like a month. We would have kept doin’ it, but you know. You know how cancer gets. You guys ever… You guys ever trace back your family history? Go back a couple generations in your family tree, find out embarrassing shit you wish you didn’t know? I traced my family tree back, found that I actually had family fighting on both sides in World War II. Humiliating. The piece-of-shit side of my family fought for the Nazi infantry in Germany, while the bad-ass Jeselniks were here in America spying for the Germans. I assume everyone is drinking tonight? – Yeah! – Yeah! Whoo! That’s good. I love to drink. Love it. Do it all the time, every day, always have. I don’t know where it comes from either. Even my parents tell me, when I was just a little baby, I used to climb out of my crib every morning, and then crawl over to the liquor cabinet… to try to spend time with them. I like San Francisco, so liberal. So liberal. Clap your hands here. Clap your hands if you own a gun. San Jose is in the house, huh? Not too bad. I once asked the crowd in Houston that question. They just started firing guns in the air. Didn’t even let me finish the question. I don’t own a gun. I’m against guns, to be honest. When I was a kid… When I was a kid, my parents had a gun. My parents said we had to have a gun. Gotta have a gun to protect the five children. Gotta have a gun to protect our five children. Of course, they eventually got rid of it… to protect their four children. I’m not gonna lie, it was fun while it lasted. I was getting pretty good towards the end. Man, my parents were strict. Mom and dad were strict. My mom and dad once made me smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. An entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting. Just to teach me an important lesson about brand loyalty. I learned a lot from my parents. Especially my dad. Like, I’ll never forget… the first time I ever got a bad report card in school. First time I got a bad report card, I brought it home, I gave it to my dad and my dad beat me. Beat the hell out of me. But I learned something. Because the next time I got a bad report card in school, I brought it home and I gave it to my mom. Let her take the hit. Yeah. My dad was a hard-ass. One of those guys who believed that men just learn by doing things. You know? You don’t take classes. You don’t read the instructions. You just do it and figure it out. Like, when I was a kid, I never got to take swimming lessons. No, my dad would pick me up and throw me in the water to teach himself CPR. As a kid, my dad’s prized possession, my dad’s favorite thing in the world growing up? My dad was the proud owner of a Mickey Mantle rookie card. Mickey Mantle rookie baseball card, mint condition. Kept it between two little pieces of plastic. But I was a kid. I didn’t know any better. One day I took that card to school and I traded it to a classmate for a candy bar. You know what that card is worth today? My relationship with my father. I mean it, my dad was no joke. My dad did not fuck around. My dad did not trust anybody. My dad did not trust anyone. In fact, he had a saying… but he wouldn’t tell me. What, too clever for you? That joke is fuckin’ amazing. Last year was a sad year for my family. Last year, my mom should’ve been celebrating her 60th birthday. But because of drugs, alcohol and other terrible decisions, we all forgot. It was sad. When I was a kid, I used to fantasize about getting older, growing up and having money, and buying my mom nice things for her birthday. When I was a kid, we were poor. So poor I remember, just so I could go to my senior prom, just so I could go to my senior prom, I had to sell my U.S. passport on the street. Sold my passport on the street for 300 bucks to get to go to my prom. Of course this was before 9/11 so… my bad, everybody. Weird joke to clap for, but sure. My mom actually should’ve been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11. I think. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved my mother. She was my mom, of course I loved her. We fought a lot. My mom could be very racist. Very racist. And I do not tolerate racism. That’s ignorance and I hate that. When I was a kid, like nine years old, I’d come home after school. Once in a while, I’d bring a friend over to play with me at my house. Once in a while, I’d bring a black friend over. And when I did that, my mom would act weird. She’d pull me aside and say, “Anthony, who’s your new friend? Is he a drug dealer?” And I would say, “Shut up, Mom, that’s racist. Put your money away.” I never get to see my family anymore, really. Most of them are in jail, to be honest. And we never talk, write letters or any of that shit. ‘Cause they’re all in jail for the exact same thing. My testimony. You. – What’s your name? – Melissa. – Melissa, where you from? – Santa Clara. – What do you do? – I win things on the radio. – You win things on the radio? – Yeah. Follow-up question, how’d you get tickets to this? Let me ask you this. You ever, uh… you ever find a body in the woods? Ever do that? No? It’s okay. I have. I was walking through the woods one day and… some poor bastard had stepped in a bear trap or something. I never told anybody about it. But I went back there a week later, and he was dead. Yeah. I do crazy shit like that all the time. What can I say? I’m wacky. The other night I was driving my car. I was driving my car and I ran over a deer… a dear, dear friend. I’m torn constantly. At night, I do shows, but during the day, I’ve got a hobby. During the day, I go from town to town… and I shut down the local abortion clinic. You heard me. I shut down abortion clinics everywhere I go. It’s easy for me. I’m charming. I stand outside the front doors all day long and… consistently underbid them. You guys mad about that one? It’s gonna get so much fuckin’ worse. Gotta talk to one more person. You, sir. What’s your name? – Allan. – Allan, where you from? – Frisco. – Frisco. I can tell you’re a local ’cause of how cool you are. What do you do, Frisco? – I fight fires. I fight fires. – You what? You’re a firefighter? Awesome. What do you wanna do? If you could do anything. If you could do any job in the world, what would your dream job be? – Travel the world. – Travel the world. It’s good to have a dream. I hope you go for it. It doesn’t sound like you’re even gonna get close. I think you should do it. Travel the world. Do it. Everyone should try to live their dream, that’s my point. Everyone. I get to live my dream. I mean, not when I’m in San Francisco, but for the most part. Being a comedian was my dream. ‘Cause no one can tell me what to do. That’s all I cared about. Most people don’t ever try to live their dream. Lot of people try and they fail. Which I think is better, more noble, more respectable. I had an uncle. All he ever dreamed about, cared about, talked about… wanted to become an astronaut. Fly into space one day. And he went for it. He went for it. And he failed. He blew it. Ended up becoming one of those pussies… …on the Space Shuttle Challenger. You guys remember that, right? I think it’s funny. I think it’s funny how the things that happen to us when we’re kids end up staying with us for our entire lives. I got this little niece. When she was three years old, she almost drowned. And now to this day, even ten years later, she still will not go anywhere near me. Yeah, I was babysitting her… and trying to do laundry. And she accidentally fell into the washing machine. Thought I was quick. I got good reflexes. I thought I got her out before anyone would find out what happened, but nope. Turned everything pink. You’re gonna find out a lot about yourselves on this next one. Hey, did you guys know… Did you guys know that when a newborn baby… when a newborn baby is first born, when it’s fresh out of the womb… it can actually hear and see everything around it… for up to ten seconds after it’s decapitated? Yeah. Yeah. I never know what to say. I never know what to say to someone after they’ve lost a baby. What do you say to someone after they’ve lost a baby? “Oh, I’m sorry for your loss”? Doesn’t cut it. “Are you gonna be okay?” Not even close. That’s why I just keep my mouth shut. Let my lawyer do the talking. I’m not good with kids. That’s my point. That’s what this whole thing’s about. I’m not good with kids. Not gonna lie. Hell, a couple of months ago, I dropped my cousin’s baby. Flat-out dropped my cousin’s baby on the ground. But I don’t feel like that was my fault. I don’t feel responsible for that one, you know? Who in their right mind… who the hell in their right mind would ever ask me, Anthony Jeselnik, to be a pallbearer? It’s okay, people hate… people hate dead baby jokes. They hate them. They hate them. It’s like, “Anthony, why do you have to tell dead baby jokes? Why do you have so many dead baby jokes?” “No one likes them, why do you insist?” Well, I’ll tell you why. Because dead baby jokes have made me rich. And who was it? Who was it who said the first million is the hardest? Was it Hitler? Didn’t see that one coming, did you? That was a good response. Most audiences just pretend I didn’t say it. But I like it. I like making Hitler jokes. It’s cool for me. I enjoy it. Hell, I lost my grandfather. I lost my grandfather in the Holocaust Museum. It was the Holocaust Museum of Modern Art. Which is just like a normal Holocaust museum, except you walk around all day being like, “Oh! I should have thought of that.” My grandmother died about a year ago. And I didn’t think anything could ever be worse than when my grandmother passed away. But I was wrong. It was fine. The hard part, the upsetting part… was that we thought she died in the way that she wanted. She wanted to die in the best way possible, like uh… You, radio winner. What’s the best way you can die? This is not a trick question. – In your sleep? – Yes, thank you. Thank you, everybody wants to die peacefully in their sleep. Not me. I want to be alert, awake, surrounded by friends, in a house fire. But my grandmother wanted to go peacefully in her sleep. We thought that’s how she went. We were all excited for her. But then we did an autopsy. Found out she actually died horribly, in the worst way possible. During an autopsy. It was fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. She always said her grandkids didn’t pay enough attention to her and… and she was right. She was dead on. But I loved my grandma. Loved her very much. My grandma taught me about a lot. Taught me what religion is. Taught me everything you can know about religion, in one quick story. I’ll tell you now. When I graduated from high school… When I graduated, my grandma came to me, gave me a big hug, said, “Anthony, I’m so proud of you. You’re my first grandchild to get to go to college. What can I do for you, what can I give you before you go to college?” And I said, “Honestly, Grandma, all I need from you is money.” Yeah, I know you guys have never been, but college is expensive. And my grandma said, “Okay, Anthony, I understand.” Couple months go by. It’s the end of summer. I’m packing up my dad’s car, getting ready to go to school, and my grandma walks up. Says, “Anthony, here, before you leave, take this.” And she handed me a brand-new Bible. King James Version. And I said, “Thanks, Grandma, that’s exactly what we talked about.” I got in the car and I went off to school. Couple of weeks go by, I’m hanging out in my dorm room, having a good time, when the phone rings. It’s my grandma. “Anthony, just calling to see how college is going.” “Grandma, college is the best. I’m having the time of my life. But to be honest, I’m starting to run low on money, and I could use a little bit, like we talked about.” She said, “Okay, well let me ask you this: Have you been reading your Bible?” And I said, “Totally, Grandma, I’m on chapter four.” She said, “Okay, Anthony, I guess I’ll talk to you later.” Hung up the phone. Couple of months go by. Now I’m really starting to struggle financially. Might have to drop out of school, so I call my grandma in a panic. I say, “Please, it’s Anthony. I’m having the time of my life in college. But if I wanna graduate, and I do, I need you to send me some money like we talked about.” She said, “Anthony, let me ask you this: Have you been reading your Bible?” And I said, “Yes, Grandma! I wish it was longer!” And she said, “Okay, Anthony. I guess I’ll talk to you later.” Finally, it’s the end of the school year. I’ve got straight A’s, but I’m dropping out of college, ’cause I have no more money left. And I’m furious, close to tears, cleaning out my dorm room, when the phone rings. It’s my grandma. “Anthony, I heard you’re dropping out of school today. How come?” And I said, “You know goddamn well how come, Grandma! ‘Cause you wouldn’t give me any money.” She said, “Anthony, let me ask you this: Did you read your Bible?” And I just hung up the phone. I was so pissed off. Took everything out of that room. Last thing I took off the shelf, the last thing I took out of that room, was that Bible my grandma had given me. Took it off the shelf, held it in my hands, and for the first time, I actually opened it up. And on the very first page, in my grandmother’s handwriting, it said, “Fuck you.” Thank you everyone. I hope you enjoyed the jokes I prepared for you tonight. And all the jokes I write, they’re all made up, they’re all fake, except for Eric Clapton and the Challenger. Everything else… everything else is fake. But everything I’m about to tell you, from here until the end of the show, that’s all true. Now… I don’t tell dark jokes because I’m a comedian. I’m a comedian because I tell dark jokes. I’m kind of fucked up, all right? I’ve always been this way. I can’t really help myself. It gets me into trouble a lot. I lose friends. It’s ruined relationships with people in my family. For instance, my grandmother actually did pass away, about six months ago. I did love her very much. She was a big fan of mine. And I was asked to speak at her funeral, which was a horrible mistake. Horrible mistake. No one should ever ask me to speak at anyone’s funeral. I asked a friend for advice. Was like, “I’ve never talked to a group of people without getting paid a lot of money. How should I handle this?” “Anthony, just go up there and tell a story. Find one moment about you and your grandma you can share with everybody. And don’t tell a joke. Try not to.” So I walked up and was like, “You know what my favorite memory was? When I was like four years old, before I learned to read, Grandma would curl up with me on the couch, she had this Southern accent, and she would read to me. She would read Mark Twain to me, and I loved it. Like… Mark Twain out of my grandma’s mouth, it would just come to life.” And then I couldn’t help myself. I said, “And I know my grandma loved it too, because it combined her two favorite things: spending time with her grandchildren, and using the ‘N’ word.” Now I promise you… I promise you… until you’ve heard your grandfather gasp at his own wife’s funeral… …at a Methodist Church in Vicksburg, Mississippi… you are not a real comedian. I am a real comedian. I am a pure comedian. I think I’m one of the best comedians of all time. But here’s the thing. It doesn’t matter if you believe me. It really doesn’t matter. The important thing is that I would pass a lie detector test. I like to test myself. I like to test myself by joking about horrible things and nothing but. One of my favorite ways to test myself, I like to joke about tragedies the day that they happen. The day they happen. I don’t believe in too soon. I’m on a tight schedule. And I’m good at it. I’m good at it. Like, the day of… the day of the Aurora, Colorado Batman movie theater shooting. The day it happened, I went online, I went on Twitter, and I tweeted “Other than that, how was the movie?” Right? Right? Nailed it. Nailed it. And the reason I get away with that… the reason I get away with stuff like that is I’m just the guy who does it. People are used to it from me. It would be weird if I didn’t make a joke the day of a tragedy. Which is why I was very surprised when I got in a lot of trouble the day of the Boston Marathon. Now, I don’t follow the news regularly. But I know the second a tragedy happens because I get 25 text messages saying, “Don’t do it.” And whenever I see that… whenever I see that, it makes me sad. It makes me sad ’cause I know something horrible has happened. People will say, “Anthony, what’s funny about Aurora? What’s funny about the Boston Marathon? What’s funny about your grandmother’s funeral?” Nothing! Nothing is funny about those things. That’s where I come in. So I see these texts and I’m like, “Oh, no, what happened?” But I also think, “I’ve got a job to do.” So I go online, I start reading about it. I don’t want to watch the footage. But I’ll read about what happened. And I think, “How can I make someone laugh today?” And then I think, “I got it.” I go back on Twitter. And I tweet, “Guys, today, there are just some lines that should not be crossed.” “Especially the finish line.” And again, I think, “Nailed it. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” But then my phone starts to ring. And it’s my boss. Or should I say my former boss. And they say, “Anthony, this is unacceptable. You are not just a comedian today. You’re also the host of your own TV show, with your name in the title, on our network. You take this joke down right now or you’re fired.” And I say, “Go fuck yourselves.” And I meant it. I didn’t get into comedy for money or fame. I know that sounds wrong, because I’m dripping with both. I only got into this business so that no one could tell me what to do. And they said… Sure. They said, “Well, Anthony, you don’t understand. You don’t understand at all. If you don’t take this joke down right now, if you don’t delete this joke right now, not only are you fired, but the entire cast and crew of your television show, about a hundred people, they’re also out of a job.” And I’m ashamed to tell you this. I’m embarrassed to admit it. But in that moment, I folded, and I deleted the joke. ‘Cause I’m happy to fight for what I believe in. I’m happy to take the consequences for what I’ve done. But what I could not do, cannot do, is walk up to my cameraman and say, “Hey, buddy, no work for you on Monday. I had this sweet tweet.” Couldn’t do it. But as soon as I hit delete, I got mad and I regretted it. I would fire every single one of those fucking assholes now, I’ll tell ya that. And I got mad for betraying myself and everything I believe in. I’m just as mad today as I was then. Just as mad. So mad, I had to have a meeting with the network, where they called me in for a little lecture. They’re like, “Anthony, we’re family. Why are you so upset? Can’t you see we did you a favor? Don’t you worry about your career?” Let me ask you, San Francisco, do I seem like I worry about my career? No. You know why people who win the lottery always end up going bankrupt? Because if they’re worried about their money, they wouldn’t have played the lottery in the first fuckin’ place. I do not worry about my career. And they said, “Anthony, the problem is when you make a joke on Twitter the day of a tragedy, it seems like you’re making fun of the victims, and that’s wrong.” But that’s not what I’m doing. Because, you see, the day of a tragedy, victims are not on Twitter. Am I wrong? Tell me I’m wrong. The day of a tragedy, victims have got victim shit to do. No one is ever… No one is ever putting on a tourniquet, asking, “Hey, are we trending?” No. This is who I’m making fun of when I make a joke on Twitter the day of a tragedy. The people who see something horrible happen in the world and they run to the Internet. And they run to their social media, Facebook, Twitter, whatever they got. And they all write down the exact same thing: “My thoughts and prayers…” “My thoughts and prayers with the people in Aurora.” “My thoughts and prayers with the families in Boston.” Do you know what that’s worth? Fucking nothing. Fucking less than nothing. Less than nothing. You are not giving any of your time, your money or even your compassion. All you are doing, all you are doing, is saying, “Don’t forget about me today.” “Don’t forget about me.” “Lots of crazy distractions in the news, but don’t forget how sad I am.” Those people are worthless and they deserve to be made fun of. They’re like a wedding photographer who only takes selfies. You understand? Now I’m sure everyone here has told a joke before where nobody laughed at it. It’s fine. It’s embarrassing, but it’s fun. You can laugh at yourself. It’s not a reason to stop telling jokes. Maybe some of you have told a joke before where someone got mad at you for it. Trust me, that’s fun too. You guys ever tell a joke and then get death threats? Well, I guess that’s what makes me me. On my television show, I once did a segment that aired once and only once, before it was banned, called “Shark Party.” All right? Now… Some of you enjoyed it, but if you’ve never seen “Shark Party,” you can never see “Shark Party.” It’s been wiped off the face of the earth by the powers that be, so I will explain it to you. I love sharks. I love sharks more than anything. People… People I can barely fucking tolerate. Every single year, 100 million sharks are killed by human beings. Every year, 20, 25 people killed by sharks? So when I hear about a shark attack, I’m like, “Fuck, yeah.” Win one for the home team. So as soon as I get this show where I can do what I want, I say, “You know what? I want to have a shark party. As soon as there’s a shark attack, we’re having a shark party.” And I get lucky. About a month into my run, this guy from New Zealand gets eaten by a great white, the champagne of sharks. And I know exactly what to do. I’ve already got the script written. I walk on stage, in front of the cameras. I say, “Ladies and gentlemen, this guy from New Zealand has been eaten by a great white shark. It’s time for a shark party.” Lights go down, music comes up. Six women wearing shark dresses come out on either side of me, and we all start dancing. For way too long. A stripper wearing a giant shark head runs out and gives me a lap dance. Very tasteful. And then I stand up and we show a giant picture of the guy who got eaten. Which, in retrospect, is where it all went wrong. But I get to say my favorite thing I’ve ever said on television: “Smile, you son of a bitch. Shark party.” And in America, where I’m famous for those types of shenanigans… everybody was like, “Anthony, that was fucked up.” “It was fucked up to see you dance.” End of controversy. However, in New Zealand, where they don’t get my show, they’ve never seen me, and frankly, they don’t get out much… the New Zealand media takes the video… and they show it to the guy’s family. And they say, “What do you guys think about this?” And they say, “Crikey,” or whatever the fuck they say over there. The point is, all of New Zealand, all of New Zealand rises up against me. All 45 of those cunts rise up. And start threatening my life. Now, I don’t read the things that people write about me on the Internet. But I pay people who do. And they come to me, and they’re like, “We’ve got some terrible news. Please sit down.” They say, “You are getting a lot of death threats online from New Zealand because of ‘Shark Party.'” And I was like, “Really? New Zealand wants to kill me? That’s weird because they didn’t even kill the shark.” I said, “How many death threats am I getting?” And they were like “Oh, all of them. You are getting all of the death threats. What do you want us to do? We can send someone to talk to them. Extra security? What do you want?” I said, “No, forget about it. Leave it alone, don’t worry.” This might be hard for some to understand. I’ve said it several times tonight. Everyone is going to die. I know full well I am going to die. And most of us don’t get to choose how we check out. But if I die because someone murders me over one of my jokes? Best case scenario. If somebody murders me over one of my jokes, I immediately become a legend. I’m a comedy God. The Mount Rushmore of comedy is me, four times. I said, “Come on then.” My security guys are like, “Okay, Anthony, well, just so you know, that is the dumbest thing we’ve ever heard.” “But you’re the boss. Okay.” And they leave. And then the next day they come back. And they say “Anthony, sorry to bother you again. I know you didn’t care yesterday, but it’s gotten much worse. You’re gonna wanna hear this.” They say, “Someone from New Zealand tracked down your mom and dad’s phone number and address in Pittsburgh, posted that online… and now your entire family is getting death threats from New Zealand.” And I have to admit, that had never occurred to me before. It never crossed my mind… that my family, my loved ones, would ever pay the price, be caught in harm’s way, for something I’ve done or I’ve joked about. And honestly, I would cut my throat for my jokes. I would give my life for what I do. But if anyone, and I mean this for a fact, if anyone ever hurt my family or killed someone I cared about because of a joke I’ve made? Even better.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

ANTHONY JESELNIK: CALIGULA (2013) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/anthony-jeselnik-caligula-2013-full-transcript/

Anthony Jeselnik. -MAN: Anthony. -WOMAN: Anthony. -MAN: Anthony. -WOMAN: Jeselnik. Jeselnik! Anthony Jeselnik. WOMEN: Anthony Jeselnik! WOMAN: Anthony Jeselnik. -Anthony Jeselnik. -MAN: Anthony Jeselnik. Anthony Jeselnik. Anthony Jeselnik! [ Cheers and applause ] I know, right? [ Laughter ] Thank you, guys. So great to be here in Chicago. I love this city. I like Chicago. Like, I respect Chicago. You know what I mean? Like, if I smoke a cigarette here in Chicago, I’m very polite, and I’ll put it out in an ashtray or a garbage can. If I was back in L.A., I would do what I would normally do and just… [ Laughter ] …flick it at a kid. [ Laughter ] I really do love this town. I actually once went on a date with a girl from Chicago. Now, this was like 10 years ago, back before I was even a comedian yet. Back then I was just a regular old piece of shit like you guys. [ Laughter ] But I’ll never forget this date, you know? We meet up at a bar. We start drinking, we start talking. We’re laughing together, we’re connecting. It was great. But then we leave the bar, we go back to her place. And as soon as we walk in the front door, she passes out cold on her couch. Now, I went to college. [ Laughter ] I knew I had a million options. [ Laughter ] But I’m a gentleman, so I did the smart thing. I just got a blanket, I tucked her in, and I left her a note that said, “You got raped.” [ Laughter ] Thank you. [ Laughter ] I feel like it’s very important, very important to open up my show with a rape joke. [ Laughter ] Just to see what kind of crowd I’m dealing with here. You guys are gonna be great. [ Laughter ] But if you were upset or you were offended in any way, please don’t worry. I’ve only got two more rape jokes… [ Laughter ] …and I’ll wait about 15 minutes. But don’t think I’m a bad person for making that joke. Don’t think I’m a bad guy for saying that. I’m a good guy. Like, I would never hit a woman, you know? I would never hit a woman, even if she had a knife or… a stutter. [ Laughter ] It’s not how I do business. In fact, I might be one of the greatest guys of all time. Like, I’ve got a kid in Africa. Yeah, I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing, you know, compared to what it cost to send him there. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] You guys are — You guys are doing great so far. I love performing in Chicago. The only weird thing about performing in Chicago, for me, is that, after all my shows, everybody just wants to do drugs with me. [ Laughter ] Like, “Anthony, that was hilarious. I got a joint on me. Let’s go smoke it.” “Hey, Jeselnik, amazing job, as usual.” [ Laughter ] “I’ve got mushrooms in my backpack. Let’s eat ’em.” And I’ve got to keep telling them the same thing I’m gonna tell you guys right now. “Hey, assholes… …I’m fucking famous. [ Laughter ] Give it to me.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don’t know. I’m so bad with names. [ Laughter ] It’s tough. Smart crowd. When I was a kid, my friends and I got arrested for vandalizing a graveyard. $10,000 in damages. But we had a great lawyer who knocked it down to criminal trespassing and necrophilia. [ Laughter ] I make a lot of jokes about death. I think it’s hilarious. [ Laughter ] My whole family’s like that, actually, you know? [ Siren wails ] This is how hard I’m fucking killing. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] My whole family’s like that, kind of, you know? In fact, well before I was even born, my great-grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. Police tried to say she was committing suicide, but the family knew that she was just trying to stop civil rights. [ Laughter and applause ] Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious, you know? Nobody saw me. [ Laughter ] My little sister had a baby recently. A little newborn. Kid is so cute. But she won’t let me hold him. She refuses. Says, “No way, Anthony. I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him.” Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby. [ Laughter ] I will get it done. [ Laughter ] And people get weird when kids die. [ Laughter ] No, that’s a fact. That’s a fact. Like, about a month ago, some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek, and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It’s all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, “Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?” [ Laughter and applause ] I assume you guys all knew who you were coming to see tonight. But if you didn’t, you sure as shit know now. [ Laughter ] Like, one thing I’ve never understood is, like, the foot fetish. Like, are you guys together right here? Yeah? How long you guys been together? -WOMAN: Five years. -Five years. Wow. Do you ever suck on her feet? No? Would you if you had a different girlfriend? [ Laughter ] Or are you, like, across-the-board no feet? -I don’t really mind it. -You don’t really mind it? You just don’t do it to her because you have mistresses. I get it. ‘Cause I’m across-the-board no feet. I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking. Her idea. And while we’re hiking, she gets bit by a snake in between two toes. And I had to suck out the poison. So she’s dead. -What’s your name? -Bridget. -Where are you from, Bridget? -The suburbs. -The suburbs? -Yes, that’s right. That sure narrows it down. [ Laughter ] -What — What do you do? -WOMAN: What? What do you do when you’re not being so fucking boring? [ Laughter ] Take your time. I’m really funny. [ Laughter ] I’m a full-time student. You’re a full-time student. Okay, what do you study? -WOMAN: Psychology. -Psychology. -Where do you go to school? -Rockford College. Rockford College? So you’re not gonna be a good psychologist. Last question, darling. Have you ever been on a blind date before? -You ever do that? -No. No? You’re lucky. I went on a blind date once, just once, and I will never do it again. It was the biggest disaster of all time. She ended up being a burn victim… [ Laughter ] …by the end of the night. I mean, it was, like, the worst… -[ Laughter ] -It was brutal. I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend‘s killer. But no one will do it. [ Laughter ] My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet. Did you guys hear what I just said? [ Laughter ] She owned a parakeet. Oh, my God. That fucking thing never shut up. But the bird was cool. [ Laughter and applause ] My ex-girlfriend had a lot of, like, really annoying habits. I think the worst was that she loved to read women’s magazines, like Cosmo or, uh… or things like Cosmo. And she would flip straight to the relationship quiz. And not only would she present that to me as if it was, like, a fun activity for us to do together — even though every question is designed to fuck my entire world up. But even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me change them so we’d get the best score. Like, I’ll never forget the last time we played that game. She was like, “Anthony, if you could have lunch with anyone in the world, living or dead, who would it be?” And I said, “I don’t know. Caligula.” [ Laughter ] And she goes, “Really? Caligula? That’s your answer? That’s what you’re gonna say to me, your girlfriend? Are you sure?” I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, baby. Let me change that. I’d have lunch with you. And you’d be dead.” [ Laughter ] Yeah, we’re not together anymore. She’s got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. And I’ve heard rumors that he’s abusive, which makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat and then blame it on her boyfriend. [ Laughter ] But I don’t want to sound like a misogynist up here. My ex-girlfriend wasn’t, like, a bad person, really. She wasn’t a bad girl at all. But she was terrible in bed. Terrible in bed. I mean, she would just lie there, screaming, “No!” [ Laughter ] That was rape joke number two, baby doll. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, clap it up. My girlfriend now is great. My girlfriend now is almost perfect. And she hates that I tell rape jokes. Hates it. Says, “Anthony, how can you make light of something as terrible as rape after I told you that I got raped in high school?” And I said, “Baby, because I don’t believe you.” [ Laughter ] The point is, my girlfriend is very sensitive, all right? Like, the other day, she got her hair cut. Two inches trimmed off of her hair. Then she came home and cried about that for two hours. Over a haircut. I couldn’t believe it. Finally, I went to her. I said, “Baby, what are you so upset about? It’s just a haircut. I’m the one that’s got to find a new girlfriend.” [ Laughter ] Yeah, she got mad. She got really mad at me. She got really mad at me a couple months ago because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself, you know, which is a nice thing to do. But then I screwed up and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to everyone. [ Laughter ] Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, disgusted with me over this. But now I don’t even care about her anymore. ‘Cause now I’ve got to call up my mother on the phone and say, “Mom, I am so sorry about that. That picture, that e-mail… was just for Dad.” [ Laughter ] My girlfriend and I argue a lot. It’s mostly her arguing with me kind of thing. Like, I should just keep my mouth shut. Every fight we get into is my fault. I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t because I’m so fucking funny. [ Laughter ] Like, a couple of nights ago, we go to a party, all right? We get trashed, completely wasted. We wake up in bed the next morning completely hung over. And I know I should just keep my mouth shut, but instead, I roll over, and I say, “Listen, baby, don’t get mad, but I think your mom tried to have sex with me last night.” And she hit the roof. She goes, “Anthony, that’s impossible.” And I said, “Oh. Well, in that case, you should always wear makeup.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] I love that joke so much. Here’s why. Did you guys hear, like, the sounds you made? Like that was the worst thing I’ve said tonight? I’ve told three rape jokes. [ Laughter ] I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But, like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic. [ Laughter and applause ] I like that you laugh until I look at you, and then you stop laughing. ‘Cause you don’t want to give me the satisfaction. [ Laughter ] That’s great. You seem like a cool girl in a completely different environment. [ Laughter ] But we’d make it work, you know? Like, how long have you guys been together right here? -MAN: Three years. -Three years, okay. What would you say is, like, the secret to a good, long relationship? Communication. Communication. Wrong. [ Laughter ] The secret is trying new things together, especially in the bedroom. The other night, my girlfriend and I are in bed together. She says, “Anthony, I want you to pee on me.” Now, I have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life. Never even imagined it before. But then I got the green light. And, apparently, it’s my thing. [ Laughter ] Like, I just jumped up right away, you know? But as soon as that begins, she starts screaming at me. Like it’s my fault she talks in her sleep. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] No big deal for me. My girlfriend yells at me all the time. She yells at me all the time. And, again, I’m a gentleman. I never think it’s okay to yell back at a woman, no matter what. I mean, you saw how I handled that shit right? [ Laughter ] I never think it’s okay to yell back at a woman. But the other night, she yelled at me for so long and so loud that the cops came to the door, which is embarrassing, because now I’ve got to answer my own door and say, “Officers, I’m so sorry. There is no reason for you to be here tonight. I already tased her.” I’ve got this friend named Kevin. I call him a friend. More of an acquaintance, really. One of those people who think they’re way better friends with you than they actually are. Like, the other day, Kevin says to me, “Hey, man, you know what I like to do when I’m all by myself and no one’s around?” And before I can say, “Hey, we’re not really friends”… [ Laughter ] …he says, “I like to take peanut butter and smear it all over myself and then let my dog lick it off.” I said, “Dude, you have got to get yourself a girlfriend. I’ll trade you mine for that dog.” [ Laughter ] You guys are fantastic. It’s great. Relax. [ Laughter ] I really love performing at this place. And, you know, it’s a great place to perform. And I would know. I perform all over the world. Clubs, theaters, colleges, festivals. Colleges are great ’cause it’s just me talking to, like, 18- to 22-year-olds, you know, which is ideal. [ Laughter ] And they teach me things all the time, you know. Like, I was at a college recently, and they taught me the term — Have you guys ever heard the term “but-her-face” before? You ever heard that? Yeah. It’s been around for a long time. If you haven’t heard the term, “but-her-face” is like a girl who’s got a really hot body but her face, you know? But her face is all fucked up. [ Laughter ] Now, when I heard that, I thought that was pretty mean, you know. I’ve never dated a but-her-face before. But I did once date a monkeyface. [ Laughter ] Have you guys ever heard of that? It’s different. A monkeyface is like a girl who’s got, like, a face like a total monkey. [ Laughter ] But the rest of her isn’t that hot. [ Laughter ] Yeah, she was one in a million. I would give anything to go back and pee on her. [ Laughter ] I like telling that joke a lot ’cause people think I’m about to be racist with it. Like, “Oh, Anthony, you are racist.” Well, fuck you. I’m not racist at all. Some of my best friends are black for Halloween. [ Laughter ] Clubs are great. Colleges are great. Festivals, though — festivals are where it’s at. Festivals — it’s like musicians and comedians hanging out all week. You never get to do that. I got to go to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas, last year, which is a great festival. But I didn’t realize how popular it gets. I drive into town. I’m like, “Hey, where’s my hotel room this weekend?” WOMAN: Yeah. Thank you. [ Laughter ] Thank you for backing me up there. I don’t know. I don’t know what story you think we share, but you are wrong. [ Laughter and applause ] “Yeah, I’m on the same page as this famous fucking guy who travels around the world.” We’re cool. We’re good. So, I… So, I get into town. I say, “Hey, where’s my hotel room this weekend?” And they said, “Well, where did you book your hotel room this weekend?” I said, “I didn’t.” And they said, “Yeah? Your hotel room is in your car, you fucking idiot.” [ Laughter ] It’s 2:00 in the morning. I’m trying to fall asleep in the back of my car. And I get a phone call from the festival. They say, “Anthony, good news. There’s a hotel about three miles away. They have one room that just became available. If you get there right now, right away, they will take care of you.” So I drive as fast as I can. I get there first. Guy behind the front desk says, “Yes, Mr. Jeselnik, we do have one room available. But, by law, I have to tell you that earlier this afternoon, two prostitutes overdosed in that bed.” And I said, “Well, how much more is that?” [ Laughter ] Are you still on board at this point? [ Applause ] But I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining to you guys. I don’t want to sound bitter. Being a comedian is the greatest job in the world, like, greatest job in the world. Once you get to my level. [ Laughter ] The only thing I don’t like is all the travel. I’m always flying somewhere. I’m always in an airport. Even flying into Chicago a couple days ago, two-and-a-half-hour flight delay. I’m stuck in an airport bar talking to some random asshole. And I got nowhere to go. So I’m like, “Hey, man, what do you do?” And he says, and I quote, “Oh, nothing right now. But I used to be a priest.” As in, “Oh shit,” right? But I got nowhere to go. So we keep talking, we keep drinking. Finally, two hours goes by. Guy gets up. He’s like, “Hey, man, I got to catch my flight. But I don’t want to lie to you. I used to be a priest. I got kicked out ’cause I molested a kid.” Now, here’s the thing. After talking to this guy and getting to know this guy for two hours, I have to admit, he was actually a really cool guy, if you could forget about, you know… …all that Jesus bullshit. [ Laughter and applause ] Yeah, that’s a favorite. I’m probably gonna tell it again later. But it’s not all bad news with me, you know? My grandfather turns 100 years old next month. [ Applause ] Maybe. [ Laughter ] I’m… I’m really skeptical. I don’t think I ever got over my grandmother’s death when I was a kid. My grandmother died from a heart attack during my 9th birthday party. Literally while she was eating cake. And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit, you know? I mean, I still have birthday parties. But now I’m just careful what I wish for. [ Laughter and applause ] My dad’s been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can’t hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything, too. Little hook next to the door. Little bowl next to his bed. One of those keychains that makes a noise when you whistle, you know. Nothing worked. So, finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in and we put him in a home. [ Laughter ] And that was not easy. Not an easy decision to make at all. My dad was an amazing man, you guys. My dad was an amazing — My dad raised five boys all by himself… …without the rest of us knowing. [ Laughter ] And, sure, my dad had his problems, you know? He had his issues. My dad was a big-time alcoholic, major-league alcoholic, black-out-every-night kind of alcoholic. But, to his credit, my dad never once laid a finger on either me or my mom, not once. And I don’t know if it was just because he loved us so much or if he just hated my sisters. -But either way… -[ Laughter ] Either way, he was a great dad. I remember a tough time for me. I was like 10 years old. My parents call me into their bedroom. They say, “Anthony, we want to get a divorce. You have to decide which one of us you want to live with.” I was a 10-year-old kid. I didn’t know any better. I just said, “Dad, Dad. I want to live with Dad.” It was heartbreaking. My mom just looked at the floor and said, “Well, whatever you want, Anthony.” And my dad just said, “I don’t want a divorce anymore.” [ Laughter ] That was tough. And maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. Oh, God. The old man was into some really crazy shit. [ Laughter ] But then maybe the greatest moment of my life ever — I think this is, like, a universal things for guys — I’m 12 years old, I’m sneaking around my house, and I found my dad’s porn in the back of the attic. That was a great day. That was a game changer for me. But then the worst day of my life was the day I found my mom’s porn… …in the back of that video store. [ Laughter ] I told that joke recently on “Conan” — that’s right, “Conan”… [ Laughter ] …and immediately afterwards, my mom called me on the phone. And she said, “Anthony, what the fuck? [ Laughter ] Do you really have to make up a joke that makes me sound like I work in pornography and then say it on ‘Conan’? That’s my least favorite joke that you have.” And I just said, “Well, Mom, that’s only because you haven’t heard the other jokes I tell about you that they are not allowed to let me say on ‘Conan.'” -Per example… -[ Laughter ] My mom is crazy. People always like to joke, “Oh, my mom’s crazy.” My mom is ca-razy. Her entire house is filled with nothing but pictures of Princess Diana. And they’re all from right after the accident. [ Laughter ] And most of them she drew. Like, it’s really fucked up, you guys. [ Laughter ] My mom had one of those tiny, little dogs, those little Pomeranians. And she loved it more than any of her kids. To the point that when it finally died last year, she had it stuffed… with another Pomeranian. [ Laughter ] [ Sighs ] And my mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out she has to have both of her breasts removed… if she’s ever gonna be good at golf. [ Laughter ] Yeah. That cannot be easy to hear. So I went home to visit — I’m from Pittsburgh, originally — and just hang out with my mom for a little bit, you know? -[ Scattered applause ] -Yeah. Congrats. [ Laughter ] Wanted to go home and hang out with her for a little bit, you know, help her out, cheer her up. But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running errands for her. Like, every day. Every day, it’s, “Anthony, go play my numbers. Go play my numbers, please. I don’t want to miss out today.” Finally, after a week of this, I had to say to her, “Mom, are you out of your goddamn mind? Don’t you know you’ve got a better chance of getting struck by lightning than me doing you a favor?” [ Laughter ] Now, one thing I’ve learned in all my years of doing stand-up comedy is that people get really upset. Audiences get really upset if I ever try to tell a joke about suicide. So, because of that, here are four jokes about suicide. [ Laughter ] MAN: Ow! [ Chuckles ] That’s appropriate. [ Laughter ] I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is, it skips a generation. So if I’m lucky, my kids will do it. [ Laughter ] I’ll never forget my sister Ashley tried to kill herself last year by throwing herself off a cliff, which is awful. I’m actually the one who found her and had to drive her to the cliff. [ Laughter ] Like I don’t have better shit to do. When I was a kid, my Uncle Tom killed himself. I remember that because the family actually tried to cover it up, make it look like he accidentally shot himself playing regular roulette. [ Laughter ] No one — No was fooled. Just didn’t work. But I think the worst for me was probably my cousin Ty, who killed himself a couple years ago. That was hard ’cause he was just, like, a little bit older than me. I would always go to him for advice. And he was great with it, too, whether I was asking about school or girls, just life in general, you know? He always said the same thing to me. He’d say, “Anthony, kill yourself.” [ Laughter ] I miss that guy. No, you guys have been a great crowd tonight. You’ve gone with me everywhere I’ve wanted you to go. But if you’ve just been sitting there this whole time, thinking, “Anthony, this is all well and good, but where are your offensive jokes? [ Laughter ] Where are your showstoppers, if you will?” Well, guys, I save those for the end. I’m gonna tell you all a series of jokes right now that are going to get increasingly more offensive. [ Cheers and applause ] I like that enthusiasm. Let’s see how far it carries. [ Laughter ] They say it’s easy — They say it’s easy to make fun of retarded people. But let me tell you guys something — It is not. You have really got to explain it to them. [ Laughter ] That was the first one. Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She’s like, “Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.” And every night, I make her return it. I say, “No way, baby. You can’t take care of a houseplant. You couldn’t even keep your baby alive.” [ Laughter ] Right? Two for two, huh? [ Laughter and applause ] We just, uh — We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy. A peanut allergy, which is very serious, I know. But, still, I feel like my parents are totally overreacting. They caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts, and they kicked me out of his funeral. [ Laughter ] I feel like some of you guys might be too nice to laugh at some of these jokes. And that’s okay. Not everybody has a great sense of humor. [ Laughter ] You guys would probably love my little nephew. He’s like 6 years old. So cute. I talk to him every day on the phone. He’s unbelievable. He’s got, like, the greatest imagination ever. He’s either gonna be an incredible artist someday or he really did get molested. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I wasn’t even laughing about that one. I was thinking about what’s coming. [ Laughter ] I feel like I need to say, like, I really believe this, that being a mother seems like one of the toughest jobs in the world. Like, literally, right below comedian. [ Laughter ] So, to me, if a mother does her best, then, in my book, she’s a good mom, all right? Now, my mom did her very best. Unfortunately, she was also a terrible person. Like, my mom, for most of her life — and this is true — my mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. Does everybody know what that means? [ Laughter ] It means she couldn’t believe the Holocaust happened. It’s, like, the worst thing you can be. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch “Schindler’s List.” And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can’t believe it only happened once. [ Laughter ] I’m glad you guys enjoyed that one. [ Laughter ] Because my mom was also really racist, too. Like, when I was a kid, my mom thought it was smart parenting, she thought it was a good idea to try to convince me that Santa Claus was black. Because then that way, when I eventually found out he didn’t exist, it wouldn’t be that big a letdown. [ Laughter ] Three more. [ Laughter ] I’m not a religious person. I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it. I’m just reasonable. [ Laughter ] But my girlfriend [Chuckles] My girlfriend has got, like, the greatest story behind why she’s not religious anymore. She said, when she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25-pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. And about two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two-inch gash in the back of her dad’s head. [ Laughter ] Yeah. Like, whether you laughed or not, you got to admit, that’s a fucking great story. [ Laughter ] Now, one thing that drives me crazy with my girlfriend now is that she’s got, like, a million shoes. Like, a million shoes. And she doesn’t even like to wear them. I swear she just likes stealing from the Holocaust Museum. [ Laughter ] Now, that joke, you’re either laughing or you’ve simply never been to the Holocaust Museum. [ Laughter ] You got to believe me. It’s like a Nike factory in there. [ Laughter ] But if you haven’t been, you should go. It’s important. [ Laughter ] Now, people who fly a lot the way that I do, people who fly all the time, they all say the same thing to me. They say, “Anthony, there’s nothing worse than a baby on an airplane. Nothing worse than a baby on an airplane.” But I disagree. I can give you guys four examples of when having a baby on an airplane was awesome. Although they were all on 9/11. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Now, this is the ideal time to tell you guys that I love to meet fans after the show. I like when people come up and say, “Anthony, you’re a genius. Anthony, best show I’ve ever seen.” And that’s it. I don’t ever want to hear anything else. If you’ve got a bone to pick with me over something I’ve said tonight, instead, you should just shut the fuck up. [ Laughter ] Because, seriously, I know more about comedy than you do, and you came to see me. [ Man shouts indistinctly ] Like I said, shut the fuck up. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] But, still, even after I’ve just said all that, you still feel like you need to come up and bitch, well, then, I will be as polite as I can possibly be. However, it is ill-advised. Because you will end up as a joke in my act… [ Laughter ] …much like the blind guy who came up and complained to me in Seattle after a show. He walked up and said, “Anthony, Anthony. [ Laughter ] Why didn’t you tell any blind jokes tonight? I came here to hear blind jokes tonight.” And I said, “Well, here’s a blind joke.” [ Laughter ] Another good one for me was the lesbian in Portland who ran up after a show. And I know she was a lesbian because she ran up and yelled out, “Anthony, I’m a lesbian! And I thought you were really funny tonight, but you’re just lucky you didn’t make any lesbian jokes up there. ‘Cause I would have gotten really mad if you had made fun of any lesbians tonight.” And I wanted to say to her, “Hey, do you realize that that makes you a terrible person and that you have no sense of humor? Plus, you’re an idiot if you felt okay laughing at all the other messed-up things I joked about but you’d have gotten really upset if I’d made fun of you or something you care about.” And I was gonna say all that, but then I remembered, “Anthony, she’s a lesbian. She knows.” [ Laughter ] My second-favorite post-show interaction of all time had to be — I was in Boston a couple years ago, and a very drunk girl — they’re always very drunk — ran up to me. And she screams out, “You should never make fun of the Holocaust!” And I said, “Why?” You know, just to be a dick. [ Laughter ] And she says, “Because I lost family in the Holocaust.” And I said, “Well, you don’t look Jewish.” And she said, “Listen, asshole. There are certain lines you’re not supposed to cross, certain boundaries you’re never supposed to push.” And I said, “Hey, hey, hey. I just gave you a compliment.” [ Laughter ] But my favorite — the best, most unbeatable, never-gonna-happen-again post-show interaction of all time had to be just — just about a year ago. I was performing in Orlando, Florida, home of Casey Anthony. And this is right after the trial, like immediately after the trial. And I said, “Listen, everybody, I don’t understand what the big deal is here. Of course Casey Anthony is innocent. If she’s guilty of anything, it’s killing her baby.” [ Laughter ] Now, after the show, I’m taking pictures, signing tits — You know how it is. [ Laughter ] And a guy walks up to me, totally sober, looking very upset. And he says, “You need to do me a favor,” which is a terrible way to start. He says, “You need to never tell another Casey Anthony joke ever again.” And I said, “Why?” You know, just to be a dick. [ Laughter ] And he says — I’ll never forget this. He says, “Because her daughter, Caylee Anthony, is my niece.” And I said, “Bullshit.” At which point he takes out his phone, sadly hits a couple buttons, and he shows me a picture of him holding little Caylee Anthony, in happier times, of course. [ Laughter ] And he says, “See? See, you son of a bitch?” And I said, “No, man, I believe you. I just mean she was your niece.” Thank you very much, everybody. Have a great night. Thank you so much. -Thank you. -[ Cheers and applause ] WOMAN: Hey, everybody, I am your Anthony Jeselnik fluffer, as it were. Just gonna do a few minutes before we bring him up. I had $10,000. No, I would be happy. [ Laughs ] And then I go to London, my first day there… [ Laughter ] You walk into the house. You have a jacket, hat, and bag. Yeah, but, yeah. But very good-looking. And that is a great combination, right? And then make this very non-guilty face. [ Laughter ] It’s like, I’ve never seen… Amazing. You guys have been awesome. Enjoy Anthony Jeselnik. It’s gonna be an amazing night. Thank you! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Applause ] MAN: All right, you guys, put your hands together. Please welcome Anthony Jeselnik! [ Cheers and applause ]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Bo Burnham: Make Happy (2016) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-make-happy-2016-full-transcript/

[woman on TV] That has been, really, a difficult thing for me. My mother has always been a very difficult person all her life. Very unhappy. I can never remember my mother being happy. [inhales deeply] And as she gets older, however she was as a young person, I find it’s just now exaggerated and, uh… so, she’s, uh, 83 and now very extremely negative, very extremely unhappy, and, uh… that has been hard for me… -[classical music playing] [audience cheering and applauding] [woman] Hello, audience. Thank you for coming. You are here because you want to laugh… and you want to forget about your problems. But I cannot allow it. You should not laugh. You should not forget about your problems. The world is not funny. -We are all dying. [audience laughing] The world is not funny. Twelve percent of the world’s population does not have access to clean drinking water. The world is not funny. Guy Fieri owns two functioning restaurants. -[audience laughing and applauding] -The world is not funny. So then… now that we understand the context, now that we realize how terribly unfunny the world is… let’s do this. -[organ music playing] -[audience cheering and applauding] [man] Entertainers are not here to help you. They are here to control you. -[audience continues cheering] -Never listen to them. Never give them what they want. And most importantly, never make some fucking noise! [audience cheers loudly] [hip-hop music playing] [audience continues cheering] -[bell dings] -[rapping] ♪ Ladies! ♪ ♪ Ladies, if you feel me Say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [all women] Hell, yeah! ♪ Fellas! Come on, fellas If you feel me, say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [all men] Hell, yeah! ♪ Virgins, if you haven’t felt a person Say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! ♪ If you can divide by zero Let me hear you say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! -No, you can’t. -[audience laughing] Mathematically impossible. Listen. Don’t be Pavlovian. I’m looking for actual answers here. Trying to gather information. Let’s go. ♪ If you like drinking booze Let me hear you say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! ♪ If you like smoking weed Let me hear you say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! -Gotcha. Get these motherfuckers. -[police siren wailing] [officer 1] Get down on the ground! Get down on the ground! [Bo] Pot is ruining America. [officer 1] Where’s the weed? Where’s the weed? [officer 2] Yeah, we got a room full of potheads. We’re gonna need backup. Over. Psych! ♪ If you don’t give a fuck About the law ♪ ♪ Let me hear you say “Fuck the police” ♪ [audience] Fuck the police. ♪ If that seems oversimplified to you Let me hear you say ♪ ♪ “It’s a really tough job And they’re doing their best” ♪ ♪ If you know nothing about the conflict Between Israel and Palestine ♪ ♪ And thus feel super uncomfortable ♪ ♪ Weighing in on it Til you’ve read about it ♪ ♪ Let me hear you say “No comment” ♪ [audience] No comment! Good call. I have no idea what’s going on over there. What are they fighting about? They have similar hats. ♪ If you want to start the show ♪ ♪ Let me hear you say, “Hell, yeah” Come on ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! ♪ If my name’s Bo… ♪ -Whoops. -[audience laughing] I think you’re done with this call and response shit. That’s what I thought. If you want me to get introspective, -let’s get introspective. -[soft music playing] [singing] ♪ I can’t wrap my mind around Exactly why I’m here ♪ ♪ I know you paid money I should be funny ♪ ♪ Other than that Don’t know why I’m here ♪ ♪ To make you laugh, right? That’s only half-right ♪ ♪ Look at the world I don’t know why I’m here ♪ ♪ All this laughter can’t Feed starving Africans ♪ ♪ I just hope I don’t Get more from this than you do ♪ ♪ I would love to tell you That everything is fine ♪ ♪ You wanna be happy ♪ ♪ Well, get in line ♪ [rapping] ♪ Yeah, this is almost Musically incoherent at this point ♪ ♪ Y’all ain’t never seen a comedy show Like this in your fucking life ♪ ♪ And for good reason ♪ -♪ It gets old after a few minutes ♪ -[audience laughing] ♪ You’ll see ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Let’s get this show going ♪ ♪ Let’s get this show started Okay ♪ ♪ One, two, three, four ♪ -[music stops] -So I was at the dentist the other day… -[audience laughing and cheering] -Yeah. [audience applauding] And nothing funny happened, so I was like, “Don’t mention that on stage.” I already fucked it up. -No, you fucking don’t. -[audience laughing] You do not. Haters gonna hate, lovers gonna love. You need to reject both sides of the spectrum -to leave a… healthy middle. -[audience laughs] Stop participating. Not a participatory thing going on up here. Trying to immortalize something I’ve worked on for a long time. Shut up! [chuckles] I have not… made my mind up about… masturbation. It’s weird and I’m torn. You know, ’cause on one hand, it feels good. [audience laughing and cheering] [applauding] [cheering] Did you not think I was gonna use it, idiots? -[audience laughing] -It’s not a prop. It will be used intermittently. Guys… I’ve got a lot of problems in my life. I wrote a song about some of the problems in my life. I hope that some of you can relate to it. Here we go. [playing slow song] ♪ Walking around I got no one to talk to ♪ ♪ There’s everyone ♪ ♪ And then there’s just me ♪ ♪ If I could change Don’t you think that I’d do it ♪ ♪ God only knows Why he cursed me to be ♪ ♪ A straight white man ♪ [audience laughing] ♪ I state my problems ♪ ♪ Other people roll their eyes ♪ ♪ Three trips to the mall ♪ ♪ Zero khakis in my size ♪ ♪ I’ve never been the victim Of a random search for drugs ♪ ♪ But you can’t say My life is easy ♪ ♪ Until you’ve walked a mile in my Uggs ♪ [breath trembling] [audience laughing] ♪ Straight white man ♪ ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ ♪ The women want rights ♪ ♪ The gays want kids ♪ -What? -[audience laughing] ♪ Can’t you just leave us alone? ♪ ♪ And also “No” to the things you asked for ♪ They’re being greedy and they know it, okay? [mock sobs] ♪ Everyone thinks that I’ve got it easy ♪ ♪ And just ’cause it’s true ♪ ♪ Doesn’t mean that it’s right ♪ ♪ So pull up a chair ♪ ♪ And put down your pitchforks ♪ ♪ Give me a chance ♪ ♪ To show you what it is like ♪ ♪ To be a straight white man ♪ ♪ The churches never made me Feel ashamed of who I am ♪ ♪ But I get emails from Zappos That Gmail doesn’t mark as spam ♪ ♪ My country’s constitution Was handwritten by my race ♪ ♪ But my wife bought me The brand new iPhone ♪ ♪ With an iPod Touch’s case ♪ [voice breaking] Case doesn’t fit that phone. [audience laughing] ♪ Straight white man ♪ ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ ♪ The women want rights ♪ ♪ The blacks want Not to be called “the blacks” ♪ Sorry. ♪ Can’t you just leave us alone? ♪ ♪ Also, “no” to the things you asked for ♪ ♪ No ♪ ♪ Straight white man ♪ ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ ♪ The women want rights ♪ ♪ The African Amer– ♪ It doesn’t work with the rhythm. [audience laughs] ♪ We used to have all the money and land ♪ ♪ And we still do But it’s not as fun now ♪ [audience cheering and applauding] -[softly] Thank you. -[audience cheering and applauding] If you were offended by that, it was ironic. Isn’t that fun? I meant the whole opposite of it. White guys, it’s easy to be a white guy. Yeah, white guy, we deserve a… cheer once in a while. Very easy to be a white guy. Very easy. But white guys get a lot of shit and it’s not fair, ’cause we’ve done a lot of things, you know? We invented a lot of stuff. White guys invented everything but peanut butter, I believe. That’s what I was taught in school. Everything but peanut butter. Doesn’t sound right, but the American educational system having a racial bias? No way, Joseph. Guys, white… white people are a little uncomfortable. We’ll do a racial joke about the white people so you don’t feel uncomfortable. White people, we like the same foods. Favorite sandwich, peanut butter and… -[audience] Jelly! -…jelly. -Macaroni and… -[audience] Cheese! Our favorite chips, salt and vi… -[audience] …negar! -Wow! -[audience laughing] -Who said it? Get the cameras on them. Your grandkids are gonna see this, know what a bigot their grandfather or grandmother were. Every non-white person, see who said that, find them after the show. Put the lights down. Their faces creep me out. [audience laughing] Guys, I’m not “perfect,” okay? I don’t “use air quotes correctly,” all right? But I am against double standards across the board. Why is it… that when a woman wears revealing clothing, she’s labeled a slut, yet if I were to wear her skin as a jacket, I’m a murderer? -What? -[audience laughing] If I fuck a kid, I’m a pedophile, but if a kid fucks me, I’m the pedophile again? Twice in a week? What is this? -[upbeat music playing] -[man] Hey, Bo. Do you want to sing a song with us? -Okay. -Great! -I don’t know the words, though. -That’s all right. -You’ll figure it out. -All right! -Whoo! -♪ Hey, Bo, guess what? ♪ -What? -♪ You’re a faggot ♪ -[music stops] -[audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] Wasn’t clever, it was just mean. Bigoted. I apologize for that. So I was interrupted the other day while my– -[man] Hey, Bo. -Motherfucker. -You want to sing another song together? -I really don’t. -Too bad. -God damn it. ♪ Hey, Bo, guess what? ♪ -I’m a faggot. -Correct! It’s not funny. ♪ You’re a faggot, you’re a faggot You’re a fucking faggot ♪ ♪ You’re a faggot, you’re a fucking… ♪ Can you turn the lights off at least? ♪ You’re a faggot, you’re a faggot You’re a fucking faggot… ♪ Is this funny to you people? Turn it off. Turn the track off! -[record scratches] -[music stops] -Why was it on a record player? -[audience laughing] You got a record player back there? You have hooked up a record player? You know, it’s one thing to make that, but to press it onto vinyl is a whole other thing, all right? -It’s gonna outlive me. -[audience applauding] Just to be clear, I wrote, conceived and executed the entirety of that bit. -Do not give those dumb fucks any credit. -[audience laughing] It’s all me, baby. All me. Look at you people in the Abe Lincoln seats. Bam! Too late. Too late. How dare you make that joke so late? I’m a big fan of hip-hop. ‘Cause I like words. I like poetry. And hip-hop feels like a way to condense a lot of those things into a short amount of time. There are artists that still do that. Uh… Yeah, Kendrick Lamar, very word-heavy, very poetic. But– -[audience cheers] -What are you doing? Look, this is my show. Do not veer credit to people outside this building. -[audience laughing] -[chuckles] Most… [chuckles] most… Hip-hop artists, for me, and it is for me, hip-hop, has traded in words and poetry for beat fetishism. It’s where you make a sick beat and then you rap anything over it. And people lose their minds. I’ll give you an example. Is there a sick beat back there for me? -[hip-hop beat playing] -Oh, shit! [rapping] ♪ I am not one of you ♪ ♪ I am not a human being ♪ ♪ You know what I am? ♪ ♪ I’m a little teapot Short and stout ♪ ♪ Here is my handle Here is my spout ♪ ♪ When I get all steamed up Then I shout ♪ ♪ Sing it Tip me over and… ♪ -[audience] Pour me out! -Let’s go. [man] ♪ Pour me out Pour me out ♪ ♪ Tip me over And pour me out ♪ ♪ N i g g a, pour me out ♪ ♪ Pour me out ♪ -♪ Tip me over and pour me out ♪ -Okay. ♪ Baa, baa, black sheep Have you any wool? ♪ ♪ Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full ♪ ♪ One for the master, one for the dame ♪ ♪ One for the little boy That’s livin’ down the lane ♪ -♪ Baa ♪ -[man] ♪ Lives down the lane ♪ -♪ Whoo! ♪ -♪ Lives down the lane ♪ Why is there a young boy living alone down the lane? -Who signed this boy’s lease? -[audience laughing] Am I the only one concerned for this little boy? Two examples is enough. -[music stops] -Okay, thank you. [audience cheering and applauding] A lesser comedian would have milked that for four verses. And a better comedian wouldn’t have done it all. [chuckles] I’m right in the sweet spot. These, uh… These cannons cost $200, just for that joke. I could give that money to a homeless person, make their day, and I don’t do that very often. That is my first decision every morning. Not today. Nah. I’ll do that tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and it’s still today. Tomorrow’s a relative term. We’re not getting there. Makes Annie more depressing. [audience laughing and cheering] [woman cheers] -Fuck you. -[audience laughing] You don’t know where I’m going. Don’t act like it. You are not ahead of me. I will retain the element of surprise. [exclaims] I’m trying to work on my improv. My show is very planned, uh, to the word. -You know, to the gesture. -[spring sound effect] And I’m trying to break out of that. I want to make something brand new for every show, that only a few people get to experience. -What’s your name, man? -Rob. Rob? All right. I’m gonna try to make up a song about Rob… [chuckles] off the top of my head. This might not work. Um, it’s just… It’s to keep me sharp, trying to… I’m stalling, trying to think of rhymes for Rob. It’s not fair. Okay. Song about Rob. Hit the track. [upbeat music playing] Fuck. [man] ♪ Bo had sex with… ♪ -♪ Rob’s… ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ ♪ Bo had sex with… ♪ -♪ Rob’s… ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ Bo, I heard you had sex with older woman last night. I did. -What’s her son’s name? -Rob, he’s right there. -I fucked his mother. -♪ Bo had sex with… ♪ -♪ Rob’s… ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ ♪ Bo had sex with… ♪ -♪ Rob’s… ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ ♪ I fucked her for an hour Then left when I was done ♪ ♪ ‘Cause fucking is her game And Rob is her son ♪ -[music stops] -Did we plan that? We did not plan that. -[audience cheering and applauding] -How does he do it? How does he pretend to do it? How does he remain contrived? I’m not… I’m not honest for a second up here! Honesty is for the birds, baby. You want an honest comedian, go see the rest of them, all right? “This thing actually happened.” -Cool. -[audience laughing] [man in audience] Whoo! [Bo] Boy, oh, boy. Any big fans of country music out there? -[audience cheering] -Yeah. Ooh, some people extending my name. “Boo,” that’s also approval. -Uh, I think… -[audience laughing] I think country music… gets a bad rep. You know, why is it that when Bruce Springsteen sings about a fucking turnpike it is art, and then when someone sings about a horse, it’s dumb inherently? I don’t think… [scoffs] I think some of the greatest songwriters of all time are country artists. Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson… You know? And if you’re writing honestly, that is art. And I would never bash that. Um, the problem is… with a lot of modern country music, what is called stadium country music, the sort of Keith Urban brand of country music, is that it is not honest. -It is the exact opposite of honest. -[country music playing] Where instead of people actually telling their stories, you got a bunch of millionaire metrosexuals who’ve never done a hard day’s work in their life, but they figured out the words and the phrases they can use to pander to their audience, and they list the same words and phrases off, sort of mad-lib style in every song, raking in millions of dollars from actual working-class people. You know the words. You know the phrases. Phrases like… ♪ A dirt road, a cold beer ♪ ♪ A blue jeans, a red pickup ♪ ♪ A rural noun, simple adjective ♪ [audience laughing] ♪ No shoes, no shirt ♪ ♪ No Jews You didn’t hear that ♪ [audience laughing] Sort of a mental typo. ♪ I walk and talk like a field hand ♪ ♪ But the boots I’m wearing Cost three grand ♪ ♪ I write songs about riding tractors ♪ ♪ From the comfort of a private jet ♪ ♪ I could sing in Mandarin ♪ ♪ You’d still know I’m pandering ♪ ♪ Hunting deer, chasing trout ♪ ♪ A Bud Light with the logo facing out ♪ ♪ Hear that subtle mandolin ♪ ♪ That’s textbook pandering ♪ ♪ I own a private ranch That I rarely use ♪ I don’t like dirt. One verse, one chorus in the bag. Now it’s time to talk to the ladies. I’m hoping my Southern charm offsets all these rape-y vibes I’m putting out. ♪ Good girl in a straw hat ♪ ♪ With her arms out in a cornfield ♪ ♪ That is a scarecrow ♪ Thought it was a human woman. Sorry. ♪ A cold night, a cold beer ♪ ♪ A cold jeans Strike that last one ♪ ♪ I’m wanting you I hope you’re feeling me ♪ Subtextually. ♪ We go to bed You doze off ♪ ♪ So I take your country girl Clothes off ♪ ♪ I put my hands on your body ♪ ♪ It feels like hay It’s a fucking scarecrow again ♪ ♪ Like Mike’s Evander-ing ♪ ♪ Fuck your ears, I’m pandering ♪ ♪ I write songs for the people who do ♪ ♪ Jobs in the towns That I’d never move to ♪ ♪ Legalize gerrymandering ♪ ♪ Tolerate my pandering ♪ ♪ You got a beautiful mouth ♪ ♪ I got a beautiful… ♪ Y’all dumb motherfuckers want a key change? ♪ Thematically meandering ♪ ♪ Emphatically pandering ♪ ♪ I got a tight grip on my demo’s balls ♪ ♪ Say the word “truck” They jizz in their overalls ♪ ♪ You don’t know what land you’re in ♪ ♪ I’m in the land of pandering ♪ ♪ And I’ll be upfront ♪ ♪ I do what I do ‘Cause I’m a total fucking country boy ♪ [audience cheering] [music stops] You know, like, that genre. -[audience laughing] They’re lying to you. That’s all. They’re lying… Entertainers, they are lying and they are manipulating you. And it’s not in a good way. It’s like advertising. You deserve better. I’m not saying I’m it, but I’m the guy that says you deserve better. You go get better. You say, “Thank you, weird man. Bye.” Anyone watch celebrity lip-syncing on The Tonight Show, you know? -[audience cheering] -It’s the end of culture. Culture’s over, everybody. We lost. This is entertainment. How is this entertainment? People we’ve seen too much of mouthing along to songs we’ve heard too much of. And this the bread and butter of American television. And it’s always one of two things on celebrity lip-syncing. It’s either a male celebrity lip-syncing to a woman’s song… [laughs] “But he’s not…” Or it’s a rich, young white actress ironically lip-syncing to a hip-hop song. [laughs] [rapping] ♪ Fuck the police Coming straight from the underground ♪ Can you believe this song was once an honest articulation of class struggle? [laughs] Fuck these people. How dare they think that them fucking around is worthy of your attention? Them playing Pictionary? Your attention’s a valuable thing. I worked for three years to get it for an hour. And I barely get there. [silence] -See? -[audience laughing] [exhales] I saw a gorgeous… dick. I was in the public restroom. Some guys might be like me. I cannot use a urinal when there’s a guy beside me. I freeze up. So I have to use the stalls. In this case, all the stalls were taken. I had to use a urinal. There was a guy beside me. I took a little look. You’re not picturing this. All right. [dramatic music playing] -[angelic vocalization] -[audience laughing] The bit is over. I’m not talking into his dick now. I didn’t rip off his dick. And I’m now not talking into a severed dick. The show is a series of discrete bits. That one’s over. God, if you don’t get that… -[pounds piano keys] -[blows raspberry] Reset the momentum. I cannot be coasting off the inertia of past jokes. -[playing slow song] -[audience laughing] Need to earn it. Every bit should come out of a vacuum, eh? We all want love. How many single ladies out there looking for love tonight? [women in audience] Whoo! -Yeah. “Whoo” that sadness out. -[audience laughing] There’s more where that came from. Ladies, I know what you want. Want. Want. ♪ You want a guy that’s sweet A guy that’s tough ♪ ♪ A feminist who likes to pay for stuff ♪ ♪ The kinda guy that gets Along with your friends ♪ ♪ Without being attracted to any of them ♪ ♪ A good boy, a bad boy, a good bad boy ♪ ♪ A half-good, half-bad half-boy ♪ ♪ Loves your brother Sensitive but not weak ♪ ♪ And is a great lover Calls your mother on the weekend ♪ ♪ Though you might think That this guy only exists in your mind ♪ ♪ But guess what? ♪ ♪ You’re right ♪ ♪ If you want love ♪ ♪ Lower your expectations a few ♪ ♪ Because Prince Charming Would never settle for you ♪ ♪ If you want love ♪ ♪ Just pick a guy and love him ♪ ♪ And if he’s got a thing for feet ♪ ♪ Say fuck it, sweep me off them ♪ Now… the good thing is that, uh… At least men have very realistic expectations for women… he said, sarcastically setting up a second verse in a comedy song. ♪ You want a girl that’s nice A girl that’s not ♪ ♪ Obsessed with her looks But is insanely hot ♪ ♪ The kind of girl that you can Show to your folks ♪ ♪ Loves the movies that you like And always laughs at your jokes ♪ ♪ A real girl, a hot girl, A really hot girl ♪ ♪ A brand new really hot real doll ♪ ♪ Wants to impress you Doesn’t care if you notice ♪ ♪ And only ever uses you To tickle her throat with ♪ ♪ Though you might think that this girl Only exists in your mind ♪ ♪ But she’s real But last week, she died ♪ ♪ If you want love ♪ ♪ Lower your expectations a lot ♪ ♪ You might think your dick is a gift I promise it’s not ♪ -[women in audience cheering] -♪ If you want love ♪ ♪ Just pick a girl and love her ♪ ♪ Then whip out your dick and Let the girl you love decline the offer ♪ ♪ I don’t want a neat freak I don’t want a slob ♪ ♪ Somebody with bedhead And a dead-end job ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I won’t settle for less ♪ ♪ Than perfect ♪ ♪ We want perfect children A perfect life ♪ ♪ Perfect husband or a perfect wife ♪ ♪ But deep down, we know ♪ ♪ We don’t deserve it ♪ [audience laughing] ♪ But ♪ ♪ We all deserve love ♪ ♪ Even on the days When we aren’t our best ♪ ♪ ‘Cause we all suck ♪ ♪ But love can make us suck less ♪ ♪ We all deserve love ♪ ♪ It’s the very best part of being alive ♪ ♪ And I would know I just turned 25 ♪ [audience cheering] That’s young. [dramatic music playing] -[farts] -[audience laughing and applauding] Original does not mean good. Anyone can do anything. Don’t let me off the hook too easy. ♪ War, huh, good God, y’all ♪ ♪ What is it good for? ♪ ♪ Increasing domestic manufacturing ♪ -All right. Uh… -[audience cheering] I don’t want to get political ’cause I only know my own ideas of other people’s ideas. We just played in Alabama. They just like the lights. -I didn’t even need to do jokes. -[audience laughing] “Motherfucker’s got moving candles.” No, not quite. [clicks tongue] Alabama was actually nice. You’re elitist pricks. -[audience cheering] -Isn’t that fun? [scoffs] -[audience laughing] -Yeah, you like that. -[dramatic music playing] -[man] And now… what making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich feels like when you’re high on marijuana. [suspenseful music playing] [inaudible] -[music stops] -[audience cheering and applauding] [dramatic music playing] [man] And now… what making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich feels like… when you’re shit-faced. [slow rock music plays] [inaudible] -[music stops, door opens] -[woman] Hey, baby, I’m home. -[door closes] -[keys jangling] -Honey, you okay? What’s wrong? -[inaudible] [stutters] Are you drunk? Have you been… You’ve been drinking, haven’t you? You’ve been fuck… You’re fucking wasted, aren’t… -[inaudible] -I can’t hear you. Speak into the microphone. I’m not. [woman] What’s behind your back? What’re you holding behind your back? -Itching. -Just… -Just don’t be– -Itchy back. What is… what’re you hiding behind your back? Just show me. It’s a jar of peanut butter, all right? Sue me. [woman] That’s mayonnaise. That is a jar of mayonnaise. That is not peanut butter. Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise? Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise? I’m not holding a jar of mayonnaise. -Touché, bitch. -You know what? I am fucking done with this shit, okay? I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. -I had to be at work at 6:00. -[plays piano keys] I had an exhausting day. I just wanna come home, unwind, relax, and I come home to a mess that I have to clean up– -[stutters] I’ll clean it up. -No, no! I will have to clean it up. Because you’ll make it worse if you try to, okay? -Yeah. -You know what? I’m fucking done with this. -Are you? -You are so immature. -She’s done. -I cannot leave you alone without you getting shit-faced. This is what I deal with Monday through… -Monday. -Who are you talking to right now? You just gestured to the sink. -What does that mean? -There’s an audience full of people. Okay, you know what? This bit is getting a little too weird and meta. Okay, we’re done with it. I agree. Where’s that going? Sometimes you don’t write an end to a bit, so you skip it. Before they know it, you’re on to the next thing. Guys, I was at the store recently. -[scattered cheers] -And, uh, no, I will save you time. I bought something. -[audience cheering] -No, no, no, no. No. Sit in silence. Do you guys know what continuity errors are? It’s where in one shot something’s one way, in another shot it’s another way. You know those things? -Anyway… -[audience laughing] [man] This comedy performance is brought to you in part by… -Sorry about this. -…Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. [rock music playing] -[man] ♪ Flamin’ Hot Cheetos ♪ ♪ They’re like regular Cheetos But they’re flamin’ hot ♪ ♪ Normal Cheetos are for pussies ♪ ♪ But Flamin’ Cheetos are not ♪ ♪ For pussies, that is ♪ They’re not sponsoring me. I’m just trying to get them to. -[audience laughing and applauding] -They’re not returning my calls. Evasively cheesy is more like it. Mmm. Label-less water. Nothing tastes better than not getting sued. I, uh… I don’t love my fans. I have to be… I don’t. You don’t want that… You don’t want that desperate, sort of cloying thing from an entertainer. “My fans, oh, they stick with me through everything, through thick and thin.” Do not stick with me through thick. If I stop entertaining you, throw me to the curb. You wouldn’t stick with your mechanic if he stopped fixing your car. I’m in a service industry. I’m just overpaid, okay? [audience laughing] And a lot of… I feel a lot of artists, pop artists especially, sort of infringe upon… responsibilities that just aren’t theirs, in terms of their audience, maintaining their audience at an emotional level. Some of you might be sad and going through things. I feel for that. Life is tough. I’m not gonna fix that with a song. Like “Brave” or “Roar.” You know these inspirational… What I’m trying to say… is don’t listen to a song… like this. – [playing upbeat song] -♪ Have you ever felt sad or lonely? ♪ ♪ Have you even felt two feet tall? ♪ ♪ Have you ever thought ♪ ♪ “Man, if only I was anybody else at all”? ♪ ♪ They like to kick you When times get rough ♪ ♪ Then you give your all But it’s not enough ♪ ♪ And sticks and stones Might break your bones ♪ ♪ But words can break your heart ♪ ♪ But if you don’t know where to go ♪ ♪ I’ll show you where to start ♪ -♪ Kill yourself ♪ -[audience laughing] ♪ It will only take a minute And you’ll be happy that you did it ♪ ♪ Just go over to your oven And shove your head in it ♪ ♪ Kill yourself ♪ ♪ Really, you should do it There’s really nothing to it ♪ ♪ Just grab a mug And chug a cup of lighter fluid ♪ Okay. Now… -[audience laughing] -I feel like you pulled back. -[audience laughing] Maybe it’s on account of the fact that I’m telling you to kill yourself over and over again. I’m just trying to make a simple point. That these… That life’s toughest problems don’t have simple answers. You shouldn’t just be brave. You shouldn’t just roar. You shouldn’t kill yourself. But I understand that… it’s a sensitive subject and you’re probably just hearing me say that. And I’ve dealt with… I don’t want to be… Look. ♪ I sound un-empathetic ♪ ♪ I sound mean and rude ♪ ♪ Suicide is an epidemic ♪ ♪ And I don’t want to be misconstrued ♪ ♪ Signs of depression go overlooked ♪ ♪ So if you’re depressed ♪ ♪ Then you need to book A therapy session ♪ ♪ Talk about your depression ♪ ♪ And let a professional hear it ♪ ♪ But if you search for moral wisdom ♪ ♪ In Katy Perry’s lyrics, then ♪ -♪ Kill yourself ♪ -[audience cheering] ♪ It won’t be painful If you are able ♪ ♪ To give a little kiss To an oncoming train ♪ ♪ You’ll kill yourself ♪ ♪ It’s over, mull it ♪ ♪ There’s a trigger, pull it ♪ ♪ Get it through your head “It” being a bullet ♪ ♪ Stick your tongue in a plug ♪ ♪ Suck a pipe of exhaust ♪ ♪ Make some toast in the tub ♪ ♪ Nail yourself to a cross ♪ ♪ Hold your breath ’til it’s gone ♪ ♪ Drink a gallon of Mace ♪ ♪ Be gay in Iran ♪ -♪ Let Oprah sit on your face ♪ -[audience laughing] ♪ Jump off of a bridge ♪ ♪ Skinny dip in a flood ♪ ♪ Skydive attached to a fridge ♪ ♪ Drink a Haitian guy’s blood ♪ ♪ Break into the zoo ♪ ♪ Give the tiger a shove ♪ ♪ Eat a Phillips-head screw ♪ -♪ Marry Courtney Love ♪ -[audience laughing and cheering] Sorry. -Don’t kill yourself. -[audience laughing] I don’t like explaining jokes that… The joke where I tell everyone to kill themselves -might deserve an explanation. Do not! -[audience laughing] And if you’re offended, do not write a blog. I apologize immediately. Sorry! Right away! -[woman shouts indistinctly] -[man] Whoo! What’s that, ma’am? What did you say? This is your moment. Who said it? [audience laughing] Do not objectify me, okay? You think it’s okay just ’cause I’m a dude? You think it’s okay ’cause he’s a dude? That is homophobia. Just the fact that you find it funny. “Ooh, a guy said take off your pants. That’s not God’s way.” [laughs mockingly] Jesus Christ, you bigots. I, uh… Show’s been pretty rock and roll so far. You know, I know it. -And I… -[audience cheering] I’d love to keep it going, but life is not always rock and roll. I’m not gonna keep life out of my show. I went through a pretty rough… [chuckles] uh, breakup recently. It was a long time coming. Uh, we had a lot of conversations about it, she and I. But recently we had the conversation… It wasn’t recent, but I remember it like it was yesterday, you know? -[piano playing] -She came out of the shower, her hair wet, her shoulders wet. -It was a shower. It’s water. -[audience laughing] She turned to me and she said it… She said… [singing] ♪ It’s over ♪ ♪ We shouldn’t fight to stay together Just to fight again ♪ ♪ It’s over We’re unhappy ♪ ♪ We need to take a break From us to make us right again ♪ ♪ And even though it’s not gonna go Any further ♪ ♪ I swear I don’t regret a second of it ♪ ♪ And when the dust has settled ♪ ♪ I hope we can still be friends ♪ Then I said… -[rapping] ♪ Eat a dick ♪ -[hip-hop music playing] ♪ Eat a dick ♪ ♪ Eat a fucking dick, like this ♪ ♪ Put on your dick-eating gloves ♪ ♪ Get ready to gobble a dick up ♪ ♪ If you don’t like this dick sitch ♪ ♪ Eat a dick, bitch ♪ -[piano playing] – [audience cheering and applauding] I think I made the right decision. [singing] ♪ Okay, you’re angry ♪ ♪ I can see that ♪ ♪ But you don’t need to make this harder Than it has to be ♪ ♪ I try to speak to you ♪ ♪ But you won’t listen– ♪ [rapping] ♪ Eat a dick ♪ [singing] ♪ Hold on Please just let me– ♪ [rapping] ♪ Eat a dick ♪ Oh, my God. [singing] ♪ Honestly, are you fucking five? ♪ ♪ I am trying to talk this out ♪ ♪ You refuse to even listen to me ♪ [stutters] I’m saying how I’m feeling, okay? And then you’re saying… “eat a dick” over and over again. Does that seem mature to you? [rapping] ♪ No, it doesn’t But see, I think the issue is ♪ ♪ I’ve got my father’s temper ♪ ♪ And I’m emotionally inarticulate ♪ ♪ So rather than being honest And vulnerable ♪ ♪ I did a quick switch Because I’m hurting inside ♪ ♪ And I’m trying to hide it So eat a dick, man ♪ [sobbing] [voice breaking] I thought we had a future together, you fucking whore. [singing] ♪ I didn’t think You’d cry for me ♪ ♪ I didn’t think you cared ♪ ♪ I thought you were Lashing out in anger ♪ ♪ But now I see you’re scared ♪ ♪ I’m scared, too ♪ ♪ Maybe we can work this out ♪ ♪ And not break up ♪ [gasps] Really? [rapping] ♪ No, lick my clit ♪ ♪ Lick my motherfucking clit ♪ ♪ You think three lousy tears ♪ ♪ Offsets three years of shit? ♪ ♪ I deserve better than you ♪ ♪ Get me wetter, then screw ♪ ♪ Sorry you’re not what I need, hun ♪ ♪ Lick this clit then leave, son ♪ -[music stops] [audience cheering] Hey, if you guys are having a good time, make some silence. -[silence] -Cool. -[audience laughing] -Uh… What’s this show about? What am I talking about, you know? To… to summarize the show, though… Me! Me! Me! But… if you take one thing away from my show… I hope it’s a T-shirt. We’re selling them out there. This is all a front for the brand. But what is this show about? What do you think, industrial piping? -[air hissing] -Close. -[air hissing] -Stay out of it. [audience laughing] It’s about… Mute this. -But for real, what is it about? -[audience laughing] It’s about… performing… -I try to… -[person whistling] …make my show about other things, but it always ends up becoming about performing. I started performing very young, as a teenager, you know, professionally. And as a comedian, what you’re supposed to do… You’re supposed to talk about what you know. And what I knew always was performing. So to talk about… [chuckles] traffic or laundry felt incredibly disingenuous. But I worried that making a show about performing would be too meta. It wouldn’t be relatable to people that aren’t performers. But what I found is that I don’t think anyone isn’t. Could we get the house lights up for a second? And could you… Let the lights on stage… Let the artifice fade away. -Now we’re all the same. -[scattered cheers] -I mean, you’re all facing this way still. [audience laughs] You know, I look out at… I look out at you and, um… It’s a very diverse crowd. I mean, more European than I would’ve hoped, but… we’ll get there. If I look at the young people… You know, and I feel like… I was born in 1990 and I was sort of raised in America when it was a cult of self-expression. And I was just taught, you know, express myself and have things to say and everyone will care about them. And I think everyone was taught that and most of us found out no one gives a shit what we think. So we flock to performers by the thousands ’cause we’re the few that have found an audience. And then I’m supposed to get up here and say, “Follow your dreams,” as if this is a meritocracy? It is not, okay? I had a privileged life and I got lucky and I’m unhappy. [audience laughing] They say it’s… it’s like the me generation. It’s not. It’s not… [stammers] The arrogance is taught or it was cultivated. It’s… it’s self-conscious. That’s what it is. It’s the… It’s conscious of self… [stammers] Social media… it’s just the market’s answer to a generation that demanded to perform. So the market said, “Here, perform everything to each other all the time for no reason.” It’s prison, it’s horrific. It is performer and audience melded together. What do we want more than to lie in our bed at the end of the day and just watch our life as a satisfied audience member? I know very little about anything, but what I do know is that if you can live your life without an audience… you should do it. And now you’re thinking… “How the fuck are you gonna dig the show out of this weird hole?” Oh, you want me to be funny and make a point? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. -Batman. So… how do we do it? -[audience laughing] [cheering] We do it like this. I went to Kanye West’s recent tour, the Yeezus Tour. It was a big, dramatic, theatrical show. He did something very strange at the end of his show where he ranted… for, like, 20 minutes. It was kind of a rant, kind of a song. He had auto-tune on his voice and there was an instrumental in the background… -[instrumental music playing] -…like this instrumental. He talked about his problems… race… power. His $90 T-shirts weren’t selling very well. That was most of it. And I watched this. I thought maybe I could do this. I’ll be honest, my problems are not as high-stakes as Kanye’s, but I have problems. And maybe a crowd in New York would be nice enough to indulge me. So as we get to the end of a night of theater… and comedy and sweaters coming on and off, I got one question for you… And that question is… [with auto-tune] ♪ Can I say my shit, New York? ♪ ♪ Can I say my shit? ♪ ♪ I got lots of shit to say ♪ ♪ I got lots of shit to say ♪ [vocalizing] [audience cheering] ♪ I can’t fit my hand Inside a Pringle can ♪ ♪ I have a huge amount of trouble Fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can ♪ ♪ I can get my hand Like four inches into the can ♪ ♪ But then I have to tilt the can Into my mouth ♪ ♪ But by that point a bunch of crumbs have Accumulated at the bottom of the can ♪ ♪ So they all go Spilling onto my face ♪ ♪ What I’m trying to say Is the diameter of Pringle cans ♪ ♪ Is way too small ♪ ♪ I’ll say it again ♪ ♪ The diameter of Pringle cans Is way too small ♪ ♪ Two radiuses of a Pringle can Is way too small ♪ ♪ If you feel me Put your hands up ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ ♪ If you feel me Put your hands up ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Look at all these hands That are way too big ♪ ♪ To fit inside a Pringle can ♪ ♪ Your hands are too big To fit inside of Pringle cans ♪ ♪ Your hands are too big To fit inside a Pringle can ♪ ♪ You think you can ♪ ♪ I know you can’t You think you can ♪ ♪ Pringles, listen to the people ♪ ♪ I’m sure 90% Of the complaint letters you get ♪ ♪ Are about the width of your cans ♪ Just… make ’em wider. [audience laughing] I’ve overdone the Pringles thing. Sorry. ♪ I wanna have a daughter ♪ ♪ Wanna have a daughter ♪ ♪ So I can finally have Someone around the house ♪ ♪ Who can fit their hands In a Pringle can ♪ ♪ Yes, I’m still On the Pringle cans thing ♪ Yeah. I’ll… I’ll move on, all right? ♪ But that is priority numero uno ♪ ♪ I don’t go to the gym ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m self-conscious About my body ♪ [echoing] ♪ …body… ♪ ♪ But I’m self-conscious About my body ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I don’t go to the gym ♪ ♪ Irony can be so painful ♪ ♪ That’s a catch-22 ♪ [vocalizing] ♪ Let’s do this ♪ ♪ I went to Chipotle ♪ ♪ Went to Chipotle ♪ ♪ Got myself a chicken burrito ♪ -[trills] -[audience laughs] ♪ I went down the line I got, like, all these ingredients ♪ ♪ And then at the end of the line The guy tried to wrap the burrito ♪ ♪ But half of the shit Inside the burrito spilled out ♪ ♪ He still wrapped it ♪ ♪ I was, like “Dude, you should have warned me ♪ ♪ You’re a burrito expert ♪ ♪ You should have told me Halfway through ♪ ♪ ‘Hey, man, you might be reaching Maximum burrito capacity here’ ♪ ♪ Do you think I want a messy burrito? ♪ ♪ No one wants a messy burrito” ♪ ♪ The whole appeal of a burrito Is that all of the ingredients ♪ ♪ Are contained Within the confines of the tortilla ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have gotten half this shit ♪ ♪ If I knew it wasn’t gonna fit In the burrito, all right? Look… ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got the lettuce If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the cheese If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the peppers If I knew they wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got Half of it ♪ ♪ Like, I’m okay with small mistakes ♪ ♪ If you got no more chicken I’ll take pork ♪ ♪ But I’ll blow my dad Before I eat a burrito with a fork ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got the lettuce If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the cheese If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the peppers If I knew they wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Man, I wouldn’t have got Half of it, like ♪ ♪ Half of it, like Half of it, like ♪ ♪ Half of it, like Half of it ♪ ♪ Right now, I think it’s time ♪ ♪ I think it’s time That we break it down ♪ [audience cheering and applauding] [vocalizing] [babbles] [audience laughing] ♪ I can sit here and pretend ♪ ♪ Like my biggest problems Are Pringle cans ♪ [sighs] ♪ And burritos ♪ ♪ The truth is My biggest problem’s you ♪ ♪ I wanna please you ♪ ♪ But I wanna stay true to myself ♪ ♪ I wanna give you the night out That you deserve ♪ ♪ But I wanna sing what I think ♪ ♪ And not care What you think about it ♪ ♪ A part of me loves you ♪ ♪ A part of me hates you ♪ ♪ A part of me needs you ♪ ♪ A part of me fears you ♪ ♪ And I don’t think That I can handle this right now ♪ ♪ Handle this right now ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right now ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right now ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ Look at them They’re just staring at me ♪ ♪ Like, “Come and watch The skinny kid ♪ ♪ With a steadily declining Mental health” ♪ ♪ And laugh as he attempts to give you What he cannot give himself ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ But they don’t even know The half of this right ♪ ♪ But they don’t even know The half of it ♪ ♪ But I know I’m not a doctor ♪ ♪ I’m a pussy I put on a silly show ♪ ♪ I should probably just shut up ♪ ♪ And do my job So here I go ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got the lettuce If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the cheese If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the peppers If I knew they wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got half ♪ ♪ You can tell them anything ♪ ♪ If you just make it funny Make it rhyme ♪ ♪ And if they still don’t understand you ♪ ♪ Then you’ll run it one more time ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ Oh! ♪ ♪ Handle this right ♪ ♪ Oh! ♪ ♪ Handle this right ♪ ♪ But you don’t even know The half of this right now ♪ ♪ Right now ♪ ♪ Ha! ♪ ♪ Now ♪ ♪ Handle this right Handle this right ♪ ♪ Handle this right now ♪ Thank you. Good night. I hope you’re happy. [audience cheering and applauding] [microphone thuds] [cheering stops] Oh, good, it’s just us. [playing piano] ♪ Now the show is done ♪ ♪ I hope that you had gut trembling Or something resembling fun ♪ ♪ And if you watch this thing alone ♪ ♪ You probably didn’t laugh ♪ ♪ But maybe a few times You exhaled out of your nose ♪ [exhales] ♪ But if you hated it, that’s fair ♪ ♪ But either way ♪ ♪ Could you find a little more time For a parting questionnaire? ♪ ♪ On a scale from one to zero ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ ♪ ‘Cause you’re on your own from here ♪ ♪ So, are you happy? ♪ ♪ I’m open to suggestions ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ ♪ But what the fuck kind of question is “Am I happy?” ♪ ♪ I really wanna try to get happy And I think that I could get it ♪ ♪ If I didn’t always panic Every time I’m unhappy in life ♪ ♪ I’m owed some life Where I’m always, like, happy ♪ ♪ Which is stupid ’cause I wouldn’t even want it if I got it ♪ ♪ Wait, oh, God, my dad was right ♪ ♪ So if you know Or ever knew how ♪ ♪ To be happy ♪ ♪ On a scale from one to two now ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ ♪ You’re everything you hated ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ ♪ Hey, look, Ma I made it ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ [instrumental music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Bo Burnham: What (2013) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-what-transcript/

Bo What? Old MacDonald had a farm E I E I O And on that farm he had a pig E I E I O Here a snort There a Old MacDonald had a farm E I E I O [Applause] This is Bo Burnham. He’s 22 years old. He’s a male. And he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with Ellen Degeneres. He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples. He’s isolated himself over the last 5 years in pursuit of comedy. And, in doing so, has lost touch with reality. You’re an asshole, Bo. You hear me? You think you know better than me. You think you know better than everybody. You will die alone. And you will deserve it. But in the meantime, you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours. See if that helps. [Up beat music starts] You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny. But now you’re contractially obligated so dance you fucking monkey. DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE! Welcome to the show this is Bo, this is his show. And Bo likes to dance like this. Welcome to the show, this is Bo this is his show. And Bo takes off his pants like this. Play an invisible drum. [Invisible drum sounds] Play an invisible trumpet. Trumpet sound! Drink some invisible water, OH SHIT! That water is real! Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. Random voice Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. So sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. Lick your lips to make it more comforting. Do you wanna see a magic trick? Yeah! Do you wanna see a magic trick? Yeah! Do you wanna see a magic trick? Then pick a card any card. SIKE! Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book. Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book. Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book. Magic isn’t real. Or is it? And at that moment, Bo’s 20-year-old cynicism melted into childlike wonder. He never knew there could be so much magic in the world. It’s a world of possibilities, Bo. What do you wanna do first? Run? Yeah, sure you can run. Fly? Well yeah, you can fly. What? What are you… What the fuck you… What the fuck are you doing? Stop- St- Stop it! What the f- You fucking idiot, stop. Stop. Stop. Anyways. In the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud about being called one in high school. He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard. Bo knew that he’d have to answer a riddle to get by. The troll spoke thus: “All right, for the last time man, I’m not a troll.” “I’m homeless.” “Okay? Do you have any spare change?” “Okay, that’s a used napkin.” “I don’t want that.” “No. No, stop. Just-” “You know, leave. Just leave. Please leave.” And then, as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage, he saw a unicorn with 5 horns right in front of him. And the pentacorn spoke thus: “Hello, Bo!” ‘I’ve been looking for you for quite a long time no-” [Gunshots] [Reloading] [Gunshots] He was safe. For now… But the dark thoughts would soon return. IT’S GODZILLA! AAAAHHHHH!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! [Screeching] OH MY GOD AHHHHH!!!! [Screeching] GODZILLA!! AAAAAUUUGGHHHHHH!!! [Screeching] It’s so hard to be a lizard. It’s hard to be a lizard. Tiny arms, itchy gizzard. It’s hard to be a lizard. But it’s harder to segue. Is he skiing? Or is he in a gay porn? Is he skiing? What? Or is he in a gay porn? Is he skiing? Huh! Or is he in a gay porn? Here’s a hint. He’s in a gay porn. Okay Bo, this miming shit is getting pretty annoying. So give ’em the real thing! [Autotuned] My voice is so fucking natural. [Autotuned] It’s naturally good. [Out of tune] Naturally good! Na-a-a-aturally good. This is the end of the song and the beginning of the show. Welcome to the show! [Applause] That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid. Anyway, San Francisco! Yeah! We are a place. We are a place. In California- Um, I’d like to, uh, I’d like to start with a joke for my male audience. Uh, this is a joke for the fellas. Where are my fellas at? FELLAS?! [Fellas respond] Yo, fellas don’t you hate it when you’re blowing a guy and he ends up being a faggot? AM I RIGHT?! I’ve been blowing a faggot this whole time? Third time this week. Thank you so much. We’re having fun… This, um- This show is called “what”. And I hope there are some surprises for you, or someth- Jesus, sorry. It’s a good start. Uh, hope there’s- He meant to knock the water over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you all thought it was an accident. But, he meant to knock the water over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Art is a lie. Nothing is real! So, um, we uh- Grow up! Grow up with your applause. Stick it… He meant to knock the water over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you all thought it was an acc– Just, don’t, if it’s on repeat it will repeat. Just… we can cut all this, so… We meant to play the track again. Yeah, yeah, yeah! But you all thought it was an accident. But, he meant to play the water track a-ga-ga-gain! Art’s still a lie. Nothing’s still real! Food jokes. Let’s do some food jokes. Segues are weird. Um… [Laughs] I had a hot dog for breakfast today, and afterwards I felt like this. Cos I couldn’t control my stools. Alright, Jesus… I’m glad you like poop based puns They will be a majority of the show. Never waste a moment, every moment can become a comedic moment. See. So… Just a little lesson for comedians. This first song, is called: “A world on fire” [Screaming] This next song, it’s a little bit… it’s a little bit longer then that one. And… Thank you. It’s about how sad I am, and I’m really sad, it’s called “Sad” [Piano music] It’s about all the sad stuff Just picture a depressed onion cutting it self. [Gasps] I met a homeless man named Rich. Isn’t that terrible? I saw a flyer for a lost dog, and the dog did not have any legs. I saw a diabetic kid, trick-or-treating. I saw a giraffe who had a short neck. That was sad, or a dear? I saw an old man get hit by a train. He didn’t see it in the pouring rain. He didn’t hear me shout: “look out for the train!” Cos I didn’t say anything. I just thought to my self: “Ooh, this is going to be sad.” And it was. I’m a genius. [gasps] I saw a man with only one eye, in a 3D movie. I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone directly on his mothers corpse! I saw a kitten stuck in a tree. Then the kitten jumped off and it hung it self, I saw a boy who had red hair. I went to a store looking for something to buy. But they only sold paintings of the same sad guy. No wait! This store sells mirrors, see what I did there? LETS ROCK! No. The worlds is so fucking sad bros. Pain. Genocide, war. Sexism, Racism. But I gotta remember there’s good things about it too. Like the fact that none of that is happening to me. Score! Still though it’s hard not to be sad about it. [to audience] How do you all do it? I’ve been telling you guys terribly sad things this whole song you haven’t been sad at all, you’ve been… You’ve been happy. No… You’ve been laughing. That’s it, laughter. That’s the key to everything. It’s the way to solve all the sadness in the world. I mean not for the people that are actually sad, but for people like us, that gotta fucking deal with them all the time. Being a comedian isn’t being an insensitive prick, capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public. It’s being a hero. The world isn’t sad, the world is funny. I’m a sociopath! I saw an old man slip and fall. Hey, what a fucking idiot. I saw a woman at her daughters funeral. Ha-ha-ha. Classic comedy. Everything that once was sad is somehow funny now. The holocaust and 9/11, that shit’s funny 24/7. Cos tragedy will be exclusively joked about. Because my empathy is bumming me out. God-bye sadness! Hello jokes. Thank you. [applause] I’ve got a really good joke about video editors. Video editors are so fucking… I think we should do a poem right now, if that’s OK? This poem is a little bit sappy, a little bit romantic, so we’ll get it out of the way now, and we’ll go back to the… Oops… the dirty stuff, you know. Everyone loves at a late show or whatever. OK It’s called: “I fuck sluts” [audience member yells] It’s not a roll call but thank you. Sluts! Sluts! [laughs] Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts. Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts. No ifs ands or buts. I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts! Nice girls are nice. But no good for nut sucking. They’ll need a serene night to green-light a buttfucking. But that’ll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking. Boo to the nice girls, praise be to slut fucking. I have a list. A list? Yes, a list of all the sluts I’ve missed. I’ve never fucked or sucked these sluts. And thus my nuts are fucking pissed. So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list. Another dumb cum-bucket struck from my nut sucking, suck it slut, slut fucking, bucket list. [applause] Yes, you hear the influences: Chaucer, Keats. Um… The pages are blank, I know it. Why am I lying to you? Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond. They can be skinny with big tits, or be skinny with small ones. Sluts can be perky, prepy or posh, with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash. Excuse me. But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart. These sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science music or art. They can put you together, or they can pull you apart. But don’t trust there sluts, Don’t, don’t you dare. They’ll force you to trust them and love them and care. And then they’ll be gone and you’ll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there. Thank you very much. [applause] So, he was lashing out with sexist language cos he had his heart broken. We all learn something. Thank you all for coming. I know some of my bits are a little bit fast and dense, a little bit hard to follow, particularly that one. So I want to do something a little bit slower, for the people, maybe the older people in the crowd, or something, so umm… [laughter] This’s for you: Here’s a slow joke. [slowdown sound] [talking in slo-mo] What did the ear of corn say [talking in slo-mo] when all of it’s clothes fell off? [talking in slo-mo] Aww, shucks! [talking in slo-mo] Get it? [talking in slo-mo] Like “shucks” as in shucking corn [talking in slo-mo] and also “shucks” the exclamation. [talking in slo-mo] Am I right? [laughter] [speedup sound] Good. We’re having fun. Umm… My father recently told me that I act too flamboyant on stage. And I said: “really dad?” “Prove it!” [laughter] He sad: “Well what about that joke” “where you throw confetti at the end of it?” I said: “well I haven’t written that joke yet,” “cos it’s based of this conversation!” “Gotcha!” Keep it, keep the struggle. We are having a lot of fun guys. Don’t worry, you don’t have to fill the silences with laughter or applause. I don’t want you leaving this show thinking: “My hands hurt from clapping.” “My stomach hurts from laughing.” I just want you leaving the show, thinking: “Meh… alright…” And we are on our way. I moved to, um… Hollywood recently from Boston, where I grew up and… [audience member yells] Places! And I… [laughs] I heard about these sort of wild Hollywood party nights that people would have and I did not think they were true. Until I moved to Hollywood and I started having them. Anyway, this is a song about a crazy night that happened a couple of weeks ago. It’s called: “What did I do last night?” [Electronic music starts] Yeah! Yeah! Hey! Hey! Hey! What did I do last night? I cried my self to sleep! [Music stops] [Laughter] [applause] It was a good one. When did my mother first describe gay sex to me? Good question, I was 8 years old… I was 8 years old, she brought me into the dining room, she sat right across the table from me. She said: “Do you know how your father and I love each other” I said: “Of course.” “You and dad love each other” “more then two people could possible love each other.” She said: “Well two men can love each other in the exact same way” “that your father and I love each other.” She said: “what happens when two men love each other like that.” “What they do is, they take off all their clothes” “Umm.. they get into bed” “And they SHIT ON THE BIBLE!” [laughter] So I don’t talk to her anymore. OK [80’s sf sounds] [Robotic voice] Hello patient #24602 Hi. I’m sorry. [Robotic voice] How are you feeling? Not great. [Robotic voice] Has the treatment been working? No, it hasn’t been. [Robotic voice] What are your remaining symptoms? I just… I internalise my feelings. I have trouble articulati… Like, other people, and relating to them… [Robotic voice] So basically you’re still a little bitch? Real mature of you, disembodied voice. [Robotic voice] I was just joking n i g g e r. [laughter] We are right by Oakland, careful with that shit. [Robotic voice] I’m not human, I can say whatever I want. Alright, Just get to the… What, what’s wrong with me, please. [Robotic voice] Your emotions and your logic are at war. OK. [Robotic voice] Your creativity and your analysis are at war. [Robotic voice] And most simply [Robotic voice] Your left and your right brain are at war. My left and my right… ? [Robotic voice] To fix the problem [Robotic voice] We must separate them from each other. Separa… [Robotic voice] Splitting your neurological functions in: [5] [4] [3] We book an appointment. [2 … 1] You don’t just start counting down. [Robotic voice] This may hurt a bit I don’t even know what “it” is. [Robotic voice] Zero. Just… [high pitched robotic sounds] [Robotic voice] Isolation complete. [Robotic voice] This is Bo’s left brain. [Robotic voice] Objective. Logical. Cold. [Robotic voice] Analytical. Aware of patterns. [Robotic voice] Aware of trends. [Robotic voice] He’s efficient. [Robotic voice] And a prick. [Robotic voice] This is Bo’s right brain. [Robotic voice] Subjective. Creative. Sensory. [Robotic voice] Aware of feelings. [Robotic voice] Aware of people. [Robotic voice] He’s emotional. Yes. [Robotic voice] And an idiot. That’s your opinion… So just… Be careful with opinions… Yooo! [Robotic voice] Play nice. I am the left brain. I am the left brain. I work really hard to my inevitable death brain. You’ve got a job to do, you better do it right. And the right way is with the left brains might. I like Oreos and pussy! Yeah! ok! And I cried for at least an hour after watching Toy Story 3. I am the right brain. I have feelings. I’m a little all over the place, but I’m lustful, trustful, and I’m looking for somebody to love. And put my penis in! Here comes a female, here comes a female. Puff your chest out take your phone and check your e-mail our evolutionary purpose is repopulate, so gather data now and see if she’s a possible mate. Holy fuck! I think she might be the one! There’s something about her, I just can’t describe it. Tits. I am the earth she is the glorious sun. I want her to trust me, and I just want her to sit on my face. Sit… sit… Alright new right brain, you’re being insane. No left brain! I’m just being alive! You should try it. You might like it. I worked hard to give him everything he cared about. You were worried about the things he was scared about. I’m calm and collected when you act wild. I am the adult, you are the child. You think you are the right one every time. You think you know everything. You don’t know anything at all. Half of his problems were supposed to be mine. But you wanted everything. I hope that you’re happy. Cos he’s sure not. Well according to my calculations, you are a pussy! Name calling? Really? We’re going to do name calling? We are not calling names. We are just stating facts. And the fact is: You’re a quivering pussy. I’m the pussy? Well at least I don’t play with toys still. OK, Rubik’s cubes are not toys. They keep my spacial reasoning skills sharp. Left brain plays with toys. Look at you, Johnny fucking… toy player! Well at least I did my fucking job. I kept him working, I kept him productive. You were supposed to look after him. You were supposed to keep him emotionally stable through all this, now you are trying to blame me for how he’s feeling. How he’s feeling? If he’s feeling unhappy, it’s because you failed him. You did this to him, he hates you I know he does. He fucking hates you! [crying] Right brain, look, I’m sorry. No you’re not… Look, maybe there’s something that we could do together. Together? Take the best parts of both of us. And put them together. I’m listening… It would let you let your feelings out, it would let me analyse. So you could man the themes, I’ll man the form. It’s something that George Carlin did, It’s something that Steve Martin did, It’s something special that we could both perform. Do you know what it is? Juggling? We could juggle, and juggle our cares away! It was comedy. We could do comedy together. [Robotic voice] Initiate reassembly. Alright, right brain, we are going to do comedy together. Altight left brain, I’ll do comedy with you. Look, we can fix him like this. Make him happy again. I promise. Left brain… Left brain I love you! I know. [Robotic voice] Experimentation complete. Thank you very much. [applause] At this part of the show I’d like to talk about how deep I am. [laughter] [piano music] I’m pretty fucking deep… deep… deep… So deep… That I called this song… Hash-tag deep. Have you ever stopped to watch a bluebird drop from a tree and take to the air? Me neither. Have you ever took time out to finish a rhyme but the right words just weren’t there? Meat cleaver. The people in my life, are like grains of sand. Cos they stick together. Often near my butthole. If life is an ocean, I am a deep and handsome fish. A fish that’s drowning. If the artistic process is a birth canal then I am a freshly jellied kid, come witness my crowning. These thoughts of mine, must be a sign that I’m, hash-tag deep. If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land? Have you ever accidentally peed on the toilet seat instead of on your girlfriends face. Me neither. Me neither! Have you ever wrote a song note for note, and not a single note was out of place. [out of tune playing] The people in my life, are like blades of grass. How? Cos they’re all so grounded, But at least grass stays away from my BUTTHOLE! Art is a harlot, and I am her sassy urban friend. Oooh… That’s why you’re being so selfish. If mamma is right, and the world is my oyster, then I must have an allergy to shell… You don’t know, how could you know? If life makes you wish you were dead. Just put on a good movie then promptly put a bullet in your head. Spend forever asleep. Cos life pales in comparison to living the dream. Hash-tag deep. [music ends] Thank you. [applause] [happy music starts playing] [music stops] [sad music] Don’t you hate it when that happens? Yeah. Thank you, That’s called: “Beating off in A minor”. Yes… Yes… “A-minor”, the key, not the felony. So… I believe… [laughs] I believe there’s nothing more manly one can do then take a shower with 5 other guys. It’s true. It’s early caveman, Cro-Magnon, wandering though the fog. You know scrubbing 5 other sapiens, no homo. [laughter] I’d like to do… erm… do some poems right now. Erm… if that’s OK? We’re at this point at the show. These poems are actually… I’m releasing this special for free so I’m going to plug my poetry book. These are my new poems from my poetry book called “Egghead”. That will be out by the time this is airing. But not by the time you guys are seated here right now. They are pretty serious, and it’s all just sort of… This is usually the lull of the show. Usually. So i like at this point to sort of take the pressure of the audience. And just read some poems, and then we’ll go back to the giggles. So… This is a poem by a dog: “Roses are gray. Violets are a different shade of gray.” “Let’s go chase cars.” [Applause] + [Chimes] “Me. With my strange choice of adjectives.” “You with your muscular teeth and your clockwise vagina.” [Chimes] “I put a chameleon on a red dildo.” Well… “He blushed!” There we go. [Chimes] This is a poem about beauty, about self image, and about the ability to transform. “Martha was ugly, like a shaven baboon.” “So she wrapped her self up” “in a curtain cocoon.” “And after a week she finally emerged.” “She smelled like shit! What a psycho.” [Chimes] + [Laughter] “You’re incomparable.” “Like a … ” [Chimes] + [Laughter] + [Applause] “I want to beat you to death with a blunt object!” “I want to grab one of those” “high end fashion manikins by the ankles” “and bash your rib cage in!” “I want to sharpen 15 pencils” “bind them with a rubber band” “stick the lead in your mouth” “and punch the erasers!” “I want to strap you to a bed of nails” “then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car” “so I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps” “in a mall parking lot during an earthquake!” “I want you to somehow survive” “a terrible car crash and then somehow” “not survive a small fender bender” “on the way back from a hospital.” [Chimes] + [Laughter] Thank you that’s called “Dad”. [Laughter] + [Applause] This is a poem… It’s really a story that’s meant primarily for children. But I think it’s got a lesson we could all learn. “The squares lived happily.” “In their square houses.” “In their square yard.” “In their square town.” “But then one day,” “a family of circles moved in from the west” “Get out of here roundies!” “Shouted one of the squares.” “Why? Said one of the circles” “Cos this is a metaphor for racism” [Chimes] + [Laughter] + [Applause] “When I walk into a party” “you’d think I was one of those long straight Tetris pieces” “cos everyone’s just like: Oh yeah. This guy’s here” “Finally we’ve been waiting for him to show up” Like you wait… in the game… Forget it. [Laughter] No. You had your chance. “If I had a million dollars” “I’d pay your mother to have sex with me” “afterwards I’d probably invest the remaining $999.990” Ten dollars for sex with your mother. Comedy! I smell comedy. Well, it was comedy giving off that scent. And finally: “Mid October,” “with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings.” “The streets dicing our town into neat, unfair portions.” “And me.” “Eating that pussy baby!” [Laughter] + [Applause] Thank you so much. Um… There’s things that I don’t want to come across in my show, that I worry often come across, about me, cos people don’t realize it’s an act up here. I don’t want you to ever think that I think that I’m better then people. or that i think I know better then people. Um… anyway, sorry. OK. This is a song from the perspective of God. [Laughter] + [Applause] + [Piano music] Books you think I wrote are way to thick. Who needs a thousand metaphos to figure out you shouldn’t be a dick. And I don’t watch you when you sleep Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep. You’re not going to heaven. Why the fuck would you think I’d ever kick it with you? None of you are going to heaven. There’s a trillion aliens cooler then you. You shouldn’t abstain from rape just cos you think that I want you to. You shouldn’t rape cos rape is a fucked up thing to do. Pretty obvious, just don’t fucking rape people. Didn’t think I needed to write that one down for you. I don’t think masturbation is obscene. It’s absolutely natural and the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. You make my job a living hell. I send gays to fix overpopulation. Boy did that go well. You’re not going to heaven. Eat a thousand crackers, sing a million hymns. None of you are going to heaven. You’re not my children, you are a bad game of sim. You shouldn’t abstain from pork just cos you think that I want you to. You can eat pork cos why the fuck would I give a shit? I created the universe, you think I’m drawing the line at the fucking deli isle? [Laughter] + [applause] You argue and you bicker and you fight. Atheists and Catholics, Jews and Hindus argue day and night. Over what they think is true. But no one entertains the thought, that maybe God does not Believe in you. You pray so badly for heaven. Knowing any day might be the day that you die. But maybe life on earth could be heaven? Doesn’t just the thought of it make it worth a try? My love’s the type of thing that you have to earn. And when you earn it you won’t need it. My love’s the type of thing that you have to earn. And when you earn it you won’t need it. I’m not gonna give you love just cos I know that you want me to. If you want love then the love has gotta come from you. [Music ends] + [Applause] [Rock music] “Walking between the micorphones” “is really awkward.” Tell me about it. Um… Women are stupid! Yeah I fucking said it. They are the weaker, dumber sex. I can prove it to you. I like to practice safe sex. Why? Cos I’m a guy. And I’m smarter. What do women say, every time? Every time i put on a condom, what do they say? “Why are you wearing a condom?” “I’m fucking you with a strap-on.” To be safe bitch! Women right, they’re the dumb ones. It’s time for a story. Let’s do a story. [Happy music] “It’s time for a story.” “It’s time for a story.” “A very special story” “Especially for you.” “It’s time for a story.” “It’s time for a story!” “Sit down and listen now.” “Don’t be a Jew.” This story is called… It’s a glitch! You can be Jewish. This story… This story is called: “Andy the frog”. Featuring long and convoluted similes. And I’ll warn you when one of those long and convoluted similes rears it’s old, head. So here we go: “Once upon a time, there was a frog name Andy.” [Frog noise] “Andy lived at the patent park pond.” “And he never hopped anywhere else” “in his entire frog life.” “He had three best friends:” “Milly, who never left her lily pad.” [Laughs] “Billy, who was always hopping mad.” “And Roger, who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn.” [Laughter] “So one day…” “One day…” “Andy saw something hop across the grass” “on the other side of the pond.” “Milly, Billy, Roger, look! -Said Andy.” “Across the pond stood” “The most beautiful frog Andy had ever seen.” “She’s gorgeous! -Said Milly.” “She’s beautiful! -Said Billy.” “A bit old for my taste! -Said Roger.” “Classic Roger!” “And then she was gone.” “I need to go find her! -Said Andy.” “I need to follow my little frog heart.” “So Andy followed the beautiful frogs footsteps into the forest.” “He then came across a turtle.” “You can’t pass! -Said the turtle.” “Please? -Said Andy.” “No! -Said the turtle.” And this is the first long convoluted simile: “Then there was a rustling in the bushes.” “And, like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle,” “the turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle.” [Laughter] + [Applause] “Andy kept moving, but at this point,” “like the doctor of the Kenyan track team” “his patience ran thin.” “Andy kept moving.” [Laughter] “He then came across a giant crocodile.” “And the crocodile began to chant:” “I woke up this morning,” “And I sat on a log.” “I opened up the menu,” “the menu said FROG!” [Laughs] “Andy said: No! No! Please let go of me!” “I can feel my self dying!” “You’re ripping out my insides!” “I’m never going to find her, am i?” “There’s no God, Is there?” “Fuck!” “FUCK!!!!” The end. The end! So, that’s the end of that story. [Applause] + [Laughter] If you are curious, the moral of that story is irrelevant, cos we are humans. Why would it apply to us? Um… You know my father is so hard to get along with. Cos he’s such a man’s man. You know? He believes, like, for example: You should always fight fire with fire. Which is a horrible way to live your life. Especially for him, because he’s a firefighter so… He was fired… That was as stupid as we get. But let’s get a little stupider, ha? “There’s a creepy old man” “fishing in a park.” “and the only problem is” “he tied a candy bar” “to the end of his line.” “He’s trying to catch a kid.” You know that stuff… Trying to get a little more mainstream. [Laughs] Um… People complain about the way I act on stage very often, you know. They say, like, I repeat jokes. Or they also say that They say… They don’t get again, that this is an act, on stage. They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solipsistic, self-contained, synonyms. And they want me to be… They want me to be a comic of the people. You know. Relate to the people with the overarching glue of comedy. So I want to do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys. I’m like you guys, you know. Once a week I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I loose all my sense of oneness and self worth. Ha-ha! And what I like to do in order to assure my self that I am unique, and not just one of many small white indistinguishable perfectly cylindric checker pieces in Jesus and Satan’s backgammon game. Is, I will… I’ll say a group a words that I think no one has ever said. in that order. So that… when I say it, I feel like: “look at me!” Participating in this new moment that no one’s ever been a part of. So I’ll say something random like like: “Peanut-butter tribadism.” Or: “I’m your father and I loved your comedy show.” Or: “At first I wasn’t comfortable leaving him alone with my children” “but then I saw his mustache. Phew…” Or um… Or: “Yo! Check out this Amish website!” Or um… Or: “I work at a toll booth and I don’t want to kill my self.” Or… That’s… too… Too real. Or: “Yo man! Life’s about three things man,” “Three things!” “Gettin’ money!” “Gettin’ pussy!” “And the Dewey Decimal System!” Or… Um… Or: “Hey! Can you hold my fanny pack I’m gonna go fuck a woman.” [Laughter] + [Applause] Um… If i could break… I want to tank you all for being here because I… I’m so grateful that you’d all come here and spend an hour of your time with me. And if you are watching at home or whatever. On a computer or something. If you have made it this far, That you very much for watching. Genuinely… I… This is my favorite thing to do. And I’m so grateful for people watching it and enjoying it. Um… OK. I will now recede back into my stage persona [Scoffs] [Piano music] I just blacked out for 20 seconds. Thank you for coming. Love songs used to be so beautiful. You know: “Let us go then, you and I.” “When the evening is spread out against the sky” “like a patient etherised upon a table” -T. S. Eliot. Beautiful. Love songs now a days Just as beautiful, guys! Usher, Justin Bieber, 1D. You know them. But these new artists they’ve done something very strange to the format of the love song they’ve changed it a bit. And I try to… capture how they’ve changed the format of the love song with this love song. I hope you enjoy it and mark the differences. Jason Derulo. I love your hair, I love your name, I love the way you say it. I love your heart and you’re so smart cos you gave away it. I love your sis, I love your dad, And I love your mom. But more then all of that I love the fact that you are dumb enough, to not realise everything I’ve said has been said before in a thousand ways in a thousand songs sung with the same four chords. But you’ll still love it and let me finger you. YEAAA! FINGER YOU!! FINGER YOU!!! Oh girl, i hope you don’t think that I’m rude, when I tell you that I love you boo. I also hope that see through this cleverly constructed ruse, designed by a marketing team cashing in on puberty and low self esteem and girls desperate need to feel loved. America says we love a chorus, but don’t get complicated and bore us. Though meaning might be missin’ We need to know the words after just one listen so repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. …repeat stuff. Yeah. Oh you know it? I love my baby and you know I could not live without her. But now I need to make every girl think this song’s about her. Just to make sure that they spread it like the plague. So I describe my dream girl as really really vague, like: I love your hands cos your fingerprints are like no other. I love your eyes and their blueish-brownish-greenish color. I love it when you smile that you smile wide. And I love how your torso has a arm on either side. If you’re my agent, you might be thinking: “Oh no!” “Sound the alarm!” “You’re not appealing” “to little girls” “who don’t have arms.” But they can’t use iTunes, so… FUCK them! Who needs them? Oh girl I ho… Oh! Hello Satan! [Lewd noises] Satan you taste so good! repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. Everybody! [Audience] repeat stuff… [Audience] .repeat stuff.. [Audience] ..repeat stuff. [Audience] repeat stuff… C’mon, louder. I can’t hear you. [Audience] repeat stuff… [Audience] .repeat stuff. [Audience] ..repeat stuff. [Audience] repeat stuff… [Laughter] + [Applause] Young ones, listen up! I’m in magazines, full of model teens so far above you. So read them and hate your self. And pay me to tell you I love you. [Gasps: “I love you”] And your parents will always come along. Because their little girl is in love! And how can love be wrong? How can love be wrong? When you repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .rep… [Garbled voice] …I am a vessel… ….666… [Garbled voice] …Illuminati… We know it’s not right. We know it’s not funny. But we’ll stop beating this dead horse when it stops spiting out money. But until then… We will repeat stuff. [Music end] + [Applause] Thank you so much, you guys have been… Um… you guys have been absolutely amazing. You’ve been absolutely amazing. That’s the end of the show. I probably should have ended it on a sort of higher note there. But yeah, that’s the end of “what.” I hope you liked it… [Girl voice] Bo! [Girl voice] Oh my god! [Girl voice] How are you? [Girl voice] I have not seen you [Girl voice] since like freshman year. [Girl voice] Oh my god! [Girl voice] You were so like skinny [Girl voice] And weird back then. [Girl voice] But now you’re… Um… [Girl voice] Anyway… Um… [Girl voice] You should totally come [Girl voice] to this party I’m having tonight [Girl voice] with some of my college friends. [Girl voice] It’s gonna be off the chain hook! [Girl voice] It’s gonna be so good. [Girl voice] You can play some songs for us, [Girl voice] or something. [Girl voice] I’ve been telling everybody [Girl voice] how good a friends we were [Girl voice] Back in the day. [Girl voice] I know we never talked [Girl voice] or hung out ever, but… Um… [Girl voice] I think that’s what made [Girl voice] our friendship so special, you know. [Girl voice] Anyway, text me. OK. Bye. [Guy voice] Mr. Burnham? [Guy voice] How you doing? [Guy voice] Good? Good. [Guy voice] I’m a… I’m a agent [Guy voice] from out Los Angeles. [Guy voice] Really dig your stuff man. [Guy voice] It’s out there. You know. [Guy voice] I totally get it. [Guy voice] And the best part about it man, [Guy voice] you got all these young fans. [Guy voice] And… Which is great [Guy voice] Because young people, [Guy voice] they’re… they’re very passionate, [Guy voice] they’re very… Um… reliable consumers. [Guy voice] But what you gotta do [Guy voice] in order to take your career [Guy voice] to the next level, [Guy voice] you gotta cater more heavily to them. [Guy voice] Alright, we’ve done studies, [Guy voice] young people do not respond [Guy voice] to this, you know, introspective material [Guy voice] these challenges to the form, you know. [Guy voice] Young people want jokes [Guy voice] they can relate to. OK? [Guy voice] So… Write a… [Guy voice] Write a silly song about Facebook [Guy voice] you know, write some jokes [Guy voice] about Twitter, [Guy voice] or sugary cereal, [Guy voice] or razor scooters. [Guy voice] Relate to them. [Guy voice] You know, also [Guy voice] you gotta reestablish your presence [Guy voice] on the internet buddy. Alright? [Guy voice] It’s not important weather [Guy voice] the material is good or not. [Guy voice] What’s important is [Guy voice] that you keep the Bo Burnham brand [Guy voice] Alive and well. [Guy voice] You get it? Cool. [Guy voice] We’ll discuss more later [Guy voice] I know it’s a lot. [Guy voice] My number is 310… 555… [Bro voice] Fag! [Bro voice] What up dude! [Bro voice] What’s up? How are you man? [Bro voice] You’ve changed bro. [Bro voice] You’ve changed. [Bro voice] I never knew you. [Bro voice] But my friends old room mate’s friend [Bro voice] said he knew you in highschool [Bro voice] and that you became a real asshole [Bro voice] once all this comedy stuff started happening. [Bro voice] What is it man? [Bro voice] You think you are better then us? [Bro voice] You think you are better then us [Bro voice] just because you are tall? [Bro voice] Woah, congrats man, you are tall. [Bro voice] Wow! That’s incredible. [Bro voice] Woah! You want a trophy [Bro voice] for being tall? [Bro voice] You wonna… We should just give [Bro voice] trophies to tall things [Bro voice] and every tree, and building [Bro voice] will have a trophy. [Bro voice] Does that make sense? [Bro voice] Yo? Why are you acting [Bro voice] all quiet and weird right now? [Bro voice] Yo I know why you are. [Bro voice] It’s cos you are an arrogant prick, [Bro voice] that’s why. An arrogant fucking prick! [Bro voice] I once herd that you [Bro voice] actually act quiet because [Bro voice] you are shy and introverted in real life, [Bro voice] and that people should not expect [Bro voice] you to act the same way [Bro voice] off stage as you do on stage. [Bro voice] Ha ha! Yeah, yeah… [Bro voice] That makes no sense. [Bro voice] Anyway, you wanna buy some weed? [Girl voice] Bo! Oh my god! [Girl voice] Bo! Oh my god! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Oh my god! [Guy voice] Mr. Burnham. Bo! Bo! [Bro voice] Fag! Bo! Oh my god! Mr. Burnham. Bo! Bo! Fag! Bo! Oh my god! Mr. Burnham. [This keeps going…] [Applause] I am Satan, lord of darkness! [Crickets] [Punching noises] [Girl voice] What the hell? [Punching noises] [Girl voice] You’re not gonna hit the girl? [Girl voice] That’s sexist! [Bro voice] We think you’ve changed, bro. [Guy voice] We know best. [Girl voice] You suck! We think you’ve changed, bro. We know best. You suck! We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You [Starts playing music over voices]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

MARIA BAMFORD: OLD BABY (2017) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/maria-bamford-old-baby-2017-full-transcript/

I always like to tell audiences… pre-program, just in case you’re brought here by a friend. Sometimes friends lead us astray. I had two very close friends. My parents invite me to go see a film. I said, “Of course I’ll go see that movie with you, because you love me. Why on earth would you want to see me suffer?” And then I sat through Steven Spielberg’s War Horse, which, if you haven’t seen, as far as I’m concerned, is a 14-hour, real-time documentary about a gentle horse struggling in vain to escape from barbed wire. This may be your war horse. If that’s the case, do as I did. Take a lap outside. Get yourself a treat. There’s probably a CVS or a Rite Aid selling ice cream… nearby because you’re a good friend. You took a risk. And in fact, your relationship has only grown deeper, because now you know you have different senses of humor when it comes to certain types of stand-up comedy. Oh! What a stinging broth intimacy can be. That’s who you are. That’s it. Did you know that on Netflix, it is possible to run out of genocide documentaries? And I’ve got to fill my queue with something. How else am I gonna feel that contentment that comes from the perception I’m not about to kill millions of people, nor are millions of people about to kill me? My queue kept suggesting a reality show called Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, which is a show wherein young ladies pick out gowns for their nuptials. And it’s very similar to a genocide documentary, in that no one is learning from history! It’s my day, it’s the most important day in a woman’s life. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. I just want a pretty dress. Bigger than the other dresses. Bigger than the other dresses. Yep. I just got married last year. Uh… As an older bride. What is that, a specter from the attic? And, uh… The thing is, what you might ask, is… Whoa. The reason it happened was I had an epiphany. I was so sick of myself asking that question of people in relationships: “How did you guys meet? Did your hands come together by accident in a garden?” And what do people in relationships always say? They always say, “Um, well, we just met and we genuinely liked each other, and, you know, there’s ups and downs. We like each other, so we stay together.” Oh. Oh, I’m sorry if you’re bored with your miracle! And it seems like to me romance takes a lot more than that. Like, you gotta want it, but no. Be available. Too busy. He’s the one. But that’s the deal breaker. The odds of falling in love with the perfect person at the perfect time are about the odds of, I don’t know, being discovered in Hollywood. Wait a minute. I asked a similarly desperate question for many years, which was, how do you make it in show business? Do you move to San Diego and disguise yourself as a bush? Moving slowly northward beneath the cover of dusk? And what do famous people always say? They always say, “Well, do you enjoy doing it?” Great. Good. Isn’t it fun, yeah, just keep doing it. Just keep it doing, you know, and, um… if you don’t enjoy it, please, you know, stop. But no one can ever take that away from you. You get to do it, and it’s a privilege. And just, you know, pretty soon you’ve been doing it a long time, you go, whoa this, this is what I do. This is what I’ve done with my life. Best of luck. Which is profoundly true. Is that what a relationship is? Is it just continuing to show up without any guarantee? I can do that! I didn’t realize there’d be ambiguity, doubt, confusion, or at least the amount that there is in a job. ‘Cause people always say, once you’ve been doing something a long time, they say, “I bet you always knew you wanted to be a comedian.” I did not want to do this show today. You guys know that. And, uh… that means me and my boo-boo, me and my snuggle man, me and my Mr. Handsome Face Turkey Butt, have a chance, because we’ve had our high times. Oh, God, when you’re starting out real cocky. Oh, our kissing is so hot, it should be on TV. La, la, la, la… And then you get the craftsmanship stage. That’s when things take more effort. That’s when I get a poor attitude, like in this job. I say, “I’d like to do an invulnerable impersonation of my mother, but I don’t wanna do it in front of a sports bar, where the Raisin Bran Bowl is playing and nobody’s listening.” Well, Princess Daffodil, that would be the whole fucking thing, so why don’t you learn to project above nine television sets and make some friends? And if you’re lucky in life, you get to have those dark times, the relationship equivalent of two weeks in Laughlin, Nevada. Bombing three shows a night for hundreds of silent, angry jet skiers. Laughing, crying, thinking, this is not at all what I wanted! But there’s always one strawberry toaster pastry left in the hallway vending machine. And you break it, and share it with the opener and the headliner. And you make it through another show. And that way you get days like today, where it all seems like it was meant to be. Happy anniversary to show business audience of over 20 years. I love you all far more deeply than the day we first met, and the fact that we all still have the free will to abandon each other at any given moment… makes it all the more compelling. I’m back, I came back! But I don’t, it’s my special, but I don’t want to come back, but I’m coming back! No, okay, okay. No, no! No! But what if I didn’t come back? But I did, I did. That’s full body peek-a-boo. Not a lot of comics who are doing that. Oh! You’re right. Um… I know. I’m 46 years-old. Of course I’ve fallen in love many times before. It was always over 100% my fault, uh, that it didn’t work out, ’cause you know how it is. You fall in love with someone. You tell them, uh, that you love them, and then you share with them what you think is the single most horrifying fact about yourself. They’re gonna think it’s something else. But… For example, I would tell you, I love you so much. Heads up: mental illness runs in my family. If ever I start talking too fast about wanting to get in touch with the pope or some other ethical authority, you’re gonna wanna put me in a purple van, drive me to doggy day care ’cause I need to be boarded for the weekend. Some guys said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Fair enough. And some guys were like, “Oh, okay.” And I rejected them. They shared with me their deepest secret, and one fantastic human being to share with me. Babe, I love you, and… I think you should know, my dad’s in the mafia. I’m not, but I do have a million in cash in case something goes down. He uses my Social Security number. He will probably try to use yours, but it’ll never be a problem.” What I said was, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” What I could have said was, “I work in the entertainment industry. I am awash in filthy money!” The Disney Channel’s a front for Thai child prostitution. That’s an open secret. I’ve… I’ve paid in cash most nights with a gun on the table. I would be honored if your father used my Social, and at certain points in my life, it would have only raised my credit score. I had another, uh, handsome individual share with me, “Babe, a couple years back, I had a two-year, meth-fueled gay relationship, but then I got into Weight Watchers, and I gained back my confidence.” What I said, very judgmentally, was… “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” What I could have said was, “That sounds like fun!” Life is fucking hard. I hope you make up for it in points. And… if you want to talk about bizarre sexual behavior, I for a period of 15 years had a one night stand in a Hampton Inn or better up and down the I-35W corridor. They were always drunk, I was always stone-cold sober. It was planned, it was cyclical. Those are a few of the signs of a predator. Nobody’s perfect. Let’s work this out! So when my scrumptious beloved… explained to me that at the age of 52 he is not, in fact, a virgin, and I had always dreamed of having a clean boy… but he is a filthy little monkey. And he was okay with me. He said, “I know sometimes women who are post-menopausal… Um, well, anyways, if you go to the psych ward, they don’t let you have sharp stuff. And if-if you grew a beard, I’d come in and I’d shave your beard.” That’s about the most romantic thing I ever did hear tell! Merch! Merch! Anybody? Hi. Uh, you interested in some merch? Uh, we take, uh, cash, we take credit cards. We, uh, take barter. Um, that’s a safe dating card. It takes you through the stages of dating, all the way through rape and domestic violence. You don’t have any CDs or anything? Uh, I do not sell any CDs of my stand-up comedy. I know… I bought this already, because it’s my own merch, but wouldn’t I be interested in having a little more? Hmm? ‘Cause what if I gave this one away? The signature, I’m hiding hat. And then I would need another. These are perfect for the athletic in you. Jesus Christ! Um, this is an XXL. You think, that would be too big on me, but is it not just maybe perfect? The perfect size. If you want a conversation starter, you know, and you say, okay, I wanna wear a big short that’s gonna make people ask questions, but then also acknowledge my limitations as a personality, so that, when you abruptly walk away, look down, they’re not surprised. “Oh, do you wanna be happy?” “Yes.” “Do you wanna be a success?” “Yes.” “Do you wanna buy merch?” “Yes!” I just tricked you there. It’s a pancake stress squeezer, um, and then it reads, which is very true, “Meds are more effective.” More merch available pencil. I already want 100. Wait a minute, I bought 100! My husband has noticed, uh, something about me. I like to tear open packages of food, take caps partially off beverages, and then leave them out and around, and he said very kindly, very sweetly, “Why?” I explained, because I am raccoon. I need to get in there, okay, get what’s good, be on my way. Oh, but what if you get sick, you know, because sometimes it can go bad? You’ll fall ill. Were you not listening when I just mentioned that I am raccoon? I can digest ceiling tile. I just need to fill this up, get back to the river with my friends. Did you just bring an old salad to bed? It’s nighttime, I’m awake! Um, uh… We do not know what we’re doing, uh, so we go see a therapist, and we don’t know if it’s helping, but we have written a song about her. Scott freaked out ’cause I locked him in the garage by accident for two hours, and he’s like, “Oh, my God, I’m with somebody who didn’t even notice I’m not there!” And he told Cheryl Hirsham, and she kind of giggled, and then he felt irritated and felt unsafe. And then we all laughed. I freaked out ’cause Scott peed in the backyard, and I’m like, “Oh, my God, are we going Grey Gardens here, gonna start collecting wet newspaper and cat food?” And I told Cheryl Hirsham, and she said, “Sometimes my son pees in the backyard, and it helps scare away the deer.” That you can tell she sets in hot rollers ’cause she fucking cares about herself! And she has this Thomas Kinkade painting, I don’t know if you’ve seen it, it’s Christian painter, painter of light, a lot of… Anyways, uh, don’t judge her for it. And then she has this magazine in her lobby called Bi-Polar Magazine. Nineteen copies of the same issue. I said, “Hey, can I have one of those?” And she said, “No.” Every time we go to see Cheryl Hirsham, we can’t remember the code to get in. Is it 4-0-0-2? Wait, is it 2-0-0-4? I thought you wrote it down! You put it in your phone! I didn’t bring my phone because I thought we’re supposed to be more mindful of our time together and be off social media! It’s your fault! No, it’s your fault! Wait, wait. It’s our fault. We did all this together. We’re a team! It is so hard to love people nowadays. Uh… There is too much to keep track of. “Oh, you didn’t like my Facebook event.” I’m fucking here! You want me to Hellen Keller a thumbs up into your palm? And, uh, I love my father. I was painting him a ceramic dog bank at Color Me Mine, and of course I wanted to create something meaningful that would last forever. The plan was garishly splatter an already extremely unattractive ceramic dog bank to get the following reaction: Joel, do we have to keep this thing from Maria in the center of the living room? Marilyn! It’s a gift from our youngest daughter, and it deserves a place of honor. Oh, I just can’t stand it. I can’t stand it. Marilyn! I’m putting it in the basement. Marilyn, I get to have one goddamn thing in this house that’s mine! Are you keeping money in here? It’s my money, Marilyn. That’s a savory piece of gristle those two kids can tug back and forth over the course of their golden years. But you know how it is. You are creating something, you start out strong, but then you’re working on a Spicy V8 and you start to lose focus. And, uh, I ended up barely covering the dog in one color, brown, and shoving it into the kiln. I left sick with anger at myself. I said, “Is that all I have for my father? An unobtrusive tchotchke?” Maria! She hates it. It worked out exactly as you planned! Yeah, and I bought a China cat to sit opposite of it so there’s a real nice tension. And he’s not putting money in there, ’cause he says he can’t trust me. But when she’s looking, I put my lips to its slot and I whisper my wishes. I got secrets, Marilyn. Your mother’s been opening my mail for 45 years, which is a federal offense. I opened a birthday card from your sister. Are you hiding something? I don’t know, Marilyn. You read it. Am I? You say that you love people. I say that I love my nieces and nephews, but is that what I say when once a year I FedEx them a box of wigs? Does that… one act really make up for the fact that I never make eye contact and I am still not clear on their names? Hey, Coltnol. Oh, where are all the, the taller shadows? I have a dear friend who I know still has a flip phone, yet I continue to send her emojis of eggplants, basketballs, pieces of pizza, knowing that all she sees are squares! I need to find a way to show people how much I love them despite all my words and actions. Here’s what I’ve come up with. What’s more constant, loving, and eternal than the Internet? You make… a three-second gif saying how you feel. I care, I care, I care, I care, I care. That way, you’re covered. That’s like a flame that never goes out. That’s like that candle outside the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, like, yeah, we can’t remember who’s all stacked up back here, but we got this still going. Whenever I walk past a cemetery, I like to say, “What happened?” Wow. That way, the next time you let somebody down like I’m letting you guys down right now, there are not nearly enough punch lines per second. Jesus, what is this, a speech? Yeah, and then after the show she gives these shoulder-based hugs. Does she even give a shit? Well, why don’t you click on my… my new Snapchat story? I love you, but I have glasses and a big mustache. Rainbow vomit. I love you. Glasses, mustache, rainbow vomit. I love you. Glasses, mustache, rainbow vomit. I have a friend who’s always trying to get me to do stuff. You want to go horseback riding? What is it? You go on a dusty trail with two lesbians who used to be a couple, but now they run a small business together. And horses bite. Okay, I’ll go once, but I’m gonna have to cry all the way there, and I’m gonna need a Dairy Queen peanut buster parfait on the way back. And that’s hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream, hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream, hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream, whip cream, cherry topper. And what I do is I go for the eye, ’cause it takes the fight right out of it! Do you wanna go swing dancing? Are people still doing that? The war is over! There’s plenty of pantyhose for everyone. It’s every Sunday from 2:00 to 4:00, just when you don’t wanna do anything. And it’s side, side, back step, side, side. I’ll go for three years, but that is it! Turns out it’s pretty fun. Do you wanna go to a fitness boot camp? It’s every day at 6:00 a.m. ’cause they’re making us into a shape, and you run and there’s no game element to distract you from the fact that you keep running and running. Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna go for five days. Day five, Tanya, and I know it’s gonna be Tanya, is gonna say, “Come on, Maria! I wanna see you push it!” And I am never gonna go again. But will you forget to cancel the automatic debit coming from your checking account and pay for it for the next year and a half? Of course I will. I love you so much. Uh, I’m not very good with chit-chat. Uh, I like a structured communication, a la stand-up, you know? I like a hard out. You know, chit, chat, chit, chat. Ugh. Chit chat… Where are we going with this? There is a guy at my dog park who does not have a dog. And, um… You’re a very beautiful woman. Hmm, keep it coming. Turns out I do have all day. Uh, Howard’s 85 years-old and he used to be a dog trainer. You know, these dogs you have, they don’t know the difference between good and bad the same way people don’t know the difference between good and bad. The happiest days of my life, I was five years old, I was riding on my father’s shoulders, Times Square, end of World War II, V-Day. The war was over, but… you know, at that same moment the atomic bomb was being dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, where millions died. So was it good or was it bad? Okay, this makes much more sense than clicker training. We will sit, and we will stay, which is not a problem for our family, because, uh, everyone’s brought in a wagon. We’ve got two elderly, overweight pugs. Nobody walks. Uh, just out to get some air. And, you know, Howard’s trying to get me to teach the dogs something. You gotta give them consequences. Howard, we’re keeping them alive. Uh… Is that not cruelty enough? Well, you know, if I asked you, hey, would you raise your right hand for me, you’d say, fuck you, Howard. I don’t know you. Oh, sounds like you do know me. But if I dug you underground, put you underground for six months, no light, no sound, no human contact, and then I brought you back up and I said, “Now, will you raise your right hand for me? You’re gonna raise your right hand. Point of order. Our, uh… Our family, I don’t know if you’ve been there, but you know when you fucked up in life in a major way, and you look around and you think, I have just enough people who love me. Even if I continued to fuck up in kind of a major way on a regular basis, I’m still gonna get treats. Why strive for some imaginary standard of behavior? Even if some of us, and I’m not gonna say who… It’s me! Shit on the carpet, sometimes three times a day, I can’t make it to the toity, Papa’s still gonna helicopter us into the-the bed for snuggles. We had a great dog named Trixie. We called her Trixie ’cause she could do so many tricks. Jesus Christ, we’re not idiots, Howard! Of course her name was Trixie ’cause she’d… Sadly, Shaq is always a Rottweiler in a Lakers jersey. Pancake is a white, overweight guinea pig. These things remain true over time! She was a great dog. The only problem was she couldn’t stop licking herself, touching herself. With us guys, it’s one and done, but with you ladies there’s no reason to stop, you know? And, uh, we would throw tennis balls at us, spray orange juice in her face. We got her this buzzer collar. That just made it worse. Yeah, our, uh, Betty, our pug Betty, she, uh, she loops her leg around Arnold’s head and forces him into a position of cunnilingus… for hours. Uh, we call it The Cherry Picker. That’s when I think our animals have so much to teach us. All right. Okay, merch door open, open! Come on in! Uh… I’m changing into a more professional voice so that you’ll feel more comfortable exchanging money and credit. Hey, come on by. Uh… We have the T-shirt, uh, the one that I’m wearing, as well. All sorts of sizes. They run big because they are made in America. Uh, and they are, uh, union, union made. Everything else made in Indochina. Now these are, they’re such good quality. Uh, they’re fresh. It’s so easy to, it’s so easy… Okay, it’s not as easy as I thought. Um, I don’t want you to feel pressure to buy anything either. If you need that pen, you… You can have it. I can have it? Okay, okay! I’ve lived in Los Angeles, uh, so long that I’ve become violently positive. I am aggressively optimistic. I was, um, talking to a lady in a shop, and she said, “I’ve always wanted to open a little boutique like this, but just like a gourmet deli!” Dude, it’s already started happening. You just, you say, “I am now a grocer. I am now purveying cookies, candies, cakes, cornucopias. I am now.” Yeah, I have two kids, a full-time job. That’d be pretty tough. I know it seems impossible, but it is insane how much the universe supports you! Pretty soon you’ll be like, oh, my God, there’s a warehouse. And then like somebody’s like, I’ve got a free crate of tuna you could have! And then… I’m your first customer. Hello! Is the beef fresh? This is so powerful if you act it out. Is the beef fresh? Is it fresh? Um… Is it fresh? Um, you know what? It’s actually, uh… Probably when I think about it, it was probably just something I was just saying. I probably wouldn’t necessarily want to get into retail. Open up your fucking shop! Make real every passing fancy! My beloved husband is, of course, bearing the brunt of this unsolicited support. We were talking about Diana Nyad. She swam from Cuba to Florida, a 1,000 miles, open water, without a shark cage. He said, “Oh, I could never do that!” I said, “Yes, you can!” Maria, she’s an Olympic swimmer. She attempted five times. She almost died twice. I’m not a good swimmer. I also really don’t want to do it. Why don’t you believe in yourself? We would just incrementally increase the time you spend in the tub! I-I’d nip you with washcloths to mimic the sting of the box jelly. I was wondering why I was getting so enraged when someone suggested there are limits, and, um, it is because I think I feel terribly guilty that all my dreams came true relatively easily about 15 years ago. I just wanted to be on television. It happened. I’d like to think that, that was a result of hard work. But if you know me at all, you know that I am sleepy and I cannot remember what you just told me. That leaves luck. Luck is just another of way of saying, some of us were born sliding into home plate. Uh, I was given a full ride scholarship through the age of 25 by an organization called The Bamfords! I was talking to a group of high school students, and none of us knew why I was there. Very confusing, not a little frightening. I was saying something extremely ill-advised, like, “You could do anything you set your mind to, turtles!” Kid in the back said, “Um, it’s not that easy.” As a final lesson for Career Day, if you could take one of my head shots from 1999 of which I ordered 1,000 on rush and have never needed them, and if you guys could toss those out, I can’t seem to. And as you say to yourself, “Huh? Who was that even? I don’t even want to be what she is. It’s like, she’s all shaky.” How does she even have a job? Just know what one individual managed to accomplish with a modicum of effort… and every possible advantage. “She’s like an old baby.” Yes! That is the perfect description of what I am. Very old, and baby-like. Was getting older. I am still getting older. Heard a colleague say, “Whoa, she’s really let herself go!” And I just felt elated. uh, ’cause that… is my plan. I’m going full Detroit, abandoning all infrastructure, letting my neural pathways grow slack with disuse. People used to come here. Oh! She’s so pretty. She’s… She’s so pretty in the moonlight. She’s just a little girl. But the disgust in that man’s voice, uh, you know, like, God, is it my civic duty? Do I need to keep myself looking tight, puffy, and wet… in order to not bring down the property value of the person I’m standing next to? And then I thought about Los Angeles. We have 100,000 people living on the streets. We need more of me. More places where you can take the emotional equivalent of a shopping cart full of dead car batteries and pull it up. I’m a very good place to squat. I cannot provide you any services, but… if you’re at a party, or you stand around, don’t feel welcome, come sit next to me. I can be a shelter from the storm. Uh, I like my job, but sometimes I lie about what I do, uh… because, uh, sometimes I say I’m a bookkeeper, you know? If I’m in a closed space. I wish I am. I do all my own Quicken and QuickBooks. I have also been audited by the IRS five times! Turns out they owed me $25! Ka-blam! Uh… ‘Cause I may be eccentric, but I save my receipts in a bucket. And, um… the reason I say that, uh, I’m a bookkeeper is because one time I was on a flight from Los Angeles to New York, and a woman said, what do you do, what I did. And she went into a PTSD stream of consciousness traumatic monologue about the worst experience I’ve… The night… when my husband, we were in the front row of a comedy show, and the comedian, it was an hour and no, no laughs. He was bombing, and, you know what? We couldn’t leave. And it was so painful. It was… weird and… I will never go see stand-up comedy ever. Well, we apologize that you experienced that with our services. If there’s any way we can win back your business, in fact, I’d love to get your e-mail address and your birthday and set you up with 20 free tickets to a comedy show! As it turns out, for the most part, as you all know, comedy tickets are… free. I then very defensively asked her what she did for a living. She then explained that she was an employee of a little Canadian corporation called Cirque du Soleil as a fucking clown. Now I, of course, have dated a clown before. And I sat through six performances of a clown as a Christ figure. Crucified clown Christ. Red rubber nose, audience armed with water balloons, asked to fling them at said clown Christ while screaming, “Jew!” If you want to talk about the deep discomfort of the arts, dive in. I wish I had paid to see that show. But I was always on the guest list. Uh, I had to take a break from work ’cause, uh, I went mental. And, uh… my friend told me, hey, you’re talking a little too fast, having a lot of shit ideas. Uh, why don’t you get in my Ford Flex, and I’ll, uh, motor you over to the public storage. And, uh… I went into a psychiatric facility, which, if you haven’t been, uh, don’t feel bad if you go, and, uh… they’re uniformly awful. You’re not at the wrong one. They’re all bad, they’re all bad. Uh… It’s as if an art director came in and said, “Okay, I want to break five more chairs, and then we need… uh, at least three pieces taken out of every puzzle. And… the big screen TV, let’s have it playing Ultimate Fighting Championships at maximum volume, lose the remote.” They sat me down with the-the psych guy, and he said, you know, the usual questions. “Why are you here?” Oh, I have… explicit plans to kill myself. “Okay, great.” Uh, pretty common. “What, uh, are the circumstances?” Every moment is unbearable. “Uh, what kind of work do you do?” I’m a comedian. No response. Felt… so relieved. And he went back to his little laptop, um, and some music came out of it, and I was like, well that’s kind of weird. Uh, but I get it, uh… A lot of times, in the light booth right now actually I have a little, uh, Wimp video playing a baby tortoise trying to eat a raspberry. And it’s just so, when at work when I get bored, I have something to cheer me up. It doesn’t affect my performance at all. Um… He turned the laptop around, and he said, is this you? And I said, yes, clearly it’s me, with more make-up and better material. And, uh… he said, “I had to YouTube you because I was concerned that you were delusional.” Since when is it grandiose psychosis to claim that in any way you’re involved in the entertainment industry? It is simple courtesy to wait until someone has left the room to IMDb them. And it’s not like I said I was Richard Pryor. And had I claimed to be one of the finest comedians of our past century and been able to perform anything from his quintessential 1979 Long Beach stand-up special, or, perhaps, more weirdly, uh, been able to quote some of his lesser-known material about the difference between beating white women and black women. Uh, doesn’t age well. But the joke was on me, uh, because, uh, the psychiatrist then put me on a mood stabilizer whose primary side effects are cognitive, making it almost impossible to think or talk. Ho on! Or should I say, “Oh no.” Yeah. Seventy two hours later, you know how it is, you’ve gotta work. Oh, God, get back to work. I’m working on stuff. I’m really doing the inner work so I can get back and get, get back to work. I found myself in downtown Chicago, bleeding. I had lost all my identification and was making this noise. Ah. I called my mother and said, She… She said, “Honey, somehow, you know what? Somehow get to the airport, tell… Go to Delta Priority. Tell them you are gold medallion!” I did what my mother told me, and it turns out, uh, points is not a bad form of health-care. Got an upgrade. Uh… I was bleeding and crying, but a lot of leg room. Merch for sale. Mer… Merch for… Merch for sale! Hi, guys. Selling, um, some items. I don’t want to force you into anything. Whatever’s within your budget. All the money goes, uh, to support uh, the psychiatric hospital that is in my hometown, Miller-Dwan. My mom’s stayed there and worked there. And this is a pencil that has hope on this side. There’s the words “Hope” so you can grind down “Hope”, very slowly. And at the bottom it says, “More merch available.” Look at that, that looks perfect on you. – It works. – You know what? It’s… Everything’s free. Everything’s free. I can’t, I can’t charge these people. Just take it, take it, take it. Take it. It’s-it’s all yours. And thank you for coming to the show. We’ve raised a dollar. Every dollar counts. That dollar might go towards a packet of graham crackers that, you know, they wouldn’t have had. I finally got back to work about a year and a half later, and everybody was really nice about it, uh, coming back. But I had one coworker say, “Hey, Bamford. Heard about what happened in Chicago. Oh, man. Jeez” Yeah, it wasn’t cool. I had to cancel-cancel like six shows. I-I still owe them a lot of money. I’m on, I’m on… a payment plan. Yeah, I’ve never bailed on a show. I had a temperature of 495 degrees. I was the temperature of a fully charred pork chop. But I did my 90-minute set, then I lost control of my bowels. That’s awesome, man. Good for you. I just wasn’t able to think or talk, and I thought that might not be as funny as I’d hoped. Yeah, comedy’s gotta be funny. And it’s gotta be funny to everybody, you know? If it’s not funny, it’s not comedy. And I test my shit out. I went to China this year. I was not welcome. I did not have a Visa. But I worked it out, and now I have a tight hour of chopstick impersonations. I do kitty cat, bunny, uh, walrus, llama. You know, I could do a ten city tour of the Gansu province if need be. That’s awesome, man. So you never get scared of performing outside of certain groups or anything? No, no. I just did a pop-up open mic at a live birth. You know, Mom’s distracted, but just to be there. You know, for baby’s first laugh. And, uh, actually, somebody’s been using one of my closing bits that I use for younger crowds. And it really pissed me off, because I’ve been doing it since the early 90’s and I got tape on it. If you see anybody doing it, if you could tell them to cease and desist. It’s… Oh, shit, peek-a-boo is yours? Man. Yeah. You know, basically I decided to copyright the entire human experience. That’s awesome, man. I guess I just… I just don’t… I don’t have that ambition in me anymore. I don’t know if it’s the meds, but… Like even before tonight’s show, I stared into the reflection of my Diet Coke tallboy. And I said, “Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, kid. I wanna see 20 percent, if not five. ‘Cause you know what? So what? Who cares? It doesn’t even fucking matter.” I was so scared of going into a psychiatric institution, I thought, what if somebody finds out? Uh, this is what happened if somebody finds out. I was in there, and, um, somebody came up and said, “Hi, I’m one of the therapists here. Um. I know you. Not personally, but we have a friend in common, Joe De La Rosa? He’s a comic out of New Jersey. He’s fantastic. He does The Laugh Factory, The Comedy Store. I’ve never seen you there. They’re great clubs. Have you ever tried to get in on there? ‘Cause it just seems like, there’s just great crowds. But, um… anyways, I just, I wanted to let you know that this is totally confidential, and I would never tell anyone.” Oh. I’m in a county-stamped gown and a pair of electric green gripper socks that are not my own. You tell whoever the fuck you want. Because all is lost. I had a dream come true, uh, which I-I couldn’t believe it. Show business came to my hometown of Duluth, Minnesota and said the kinds of things that show business does, things like, “This is amazing. Oh, my God. It’s like a little San Francisco here. It’s like a freshwater Monaco. Why have I never heard of this Duluth, Minnesota? We definitely have to shoot here. We want to use local talent, all local catering. Let’s start getting lists of people who may be interested in acting in a television series in the area. We’ll see you next month.” And then what happened… is nothing. And, uh… I was left… I told my mom, and she was, “Honey, but they came to supper twice, and they said that I was very talented and your father had a gift, and that… everyone at the lake could play a part.” Oh, Mother. We just need to go to each person and tell them they’ve actually had one of the most authentic show business experiences… you can have. Which… is being given the full ghost. Don’t know what ghosting is? That’s when someone declares their undying love for you, and then disappears off the face of the Earth. Can’t happen in a small town. The person will just say, “I see you over there.” I tried to explain to my mom that show business is like having a friend with a terrible drinking problem. I love her so much. She’s so much fun if you get her at right… The just… the right time of… “You’re the most beautiful. So, you’re my best friend. I love you, okay? Only you. It’s just me and you, okay? And literally loving you.” The next day, she may have forgotten about that of which we spoke. I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are. This is hot dogs, they’re for principal talent only. The background extras’ hot dogs are behind two warehouses and a semi that’s running. They are the same exact hot dogs. But they are 2,000 yards away behind a truck that’s on. We live next to a frat house and, uh… it’s just as funny as you think. One night, they were playing Sweet Home Alabama uh, about 3:30 a.m. Which I did not realize was still speaking to people. And… my husband pulled up his, uh, pajama pants, all the way up to his little beard. I put on my t-shirt nightgown with the long slit that I got in 1994 from the Minneapolis St. Paul Airport with the moose on it. And we went on over there and said, “Hey. You guys, we don’t have jobs, but come on.” “Oh, so sorry. You know, so sorry about the noise, you guys. Hey, come on, you guys. Let’s shut it down! We’re waking up the whole neighborhood. Hey, so sorry about this, you know? Normally, you know, we’re just like you guys, you know? We’re total nerds.” Wait, nobody said anything about nerds. “Yeah, but it’s our senior year, so we’re just really trying to enjoy our house.” Oh, we get it. Yeah, Scott’s 52 and I’m 46. This year we’re gonna do it. We’re gonna try anal. So if you hear any, “Yelps!” It’s just pleasure. We’re just trying to enjoy our house. We have a lot of sex. A lot of fudging and wedging and lotions and potions and unguents and poultices, jams and jellies. Custards, mustards, sauces, souses, and foam soups, smoothing milks. Hustle, bustle, hustle, bustle, hustle, bustle. Hammer, anvil, hammer, anvil, hammer, anvil! I have to say it, I used to look down on people with hobbies. And, uh… I was like, “What are you doing over there for no money? You getting any cash on the back end of this hiking deal? This walk to nowhere?” And then I looked down at what I was always doing very happily for fun and for free. I was always filling out a self-help manual of some kind. I have not changed discernibly in 25 years, which means I’ve been playing a very long, super fun game of emotional Sudoku. My husband and I got a board going at home. Your great-grandfather was a violent alcoholic who was in the army who beat his son, who was a violent alcoholic in the army who beat his son, who was a violent alcoholic in the marines who beat you. You’re not in the armed services at all. You don’t drink. But you have PTSD so bad that you think you can clench your buttocks and fly the plane. That part’s done. My great-grandmother had six kids and then could never leave her attic to raise them. My grandmother died in a fire of her own making. My mother has 15 grand in a secret savings account just in case next time she goes manic she wants to stay in a nice hotel. I have this thing called Vaginismus. Anytime something interesting gets near my vago, she slams shut! And I gotta convince her to flower open with juice and stories. All we need is, uh… two alcoholics, a suicide, and a Seven, and we could break for popcorn. It’s so much fun! Have you ever read the work of Dr. John and Judy Gottman? They’re family therapists. You-you watch for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in all of your relationships without criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. So let’s say your friend says, “Hey, look at that sailboat!” You say “Criticism.” That’s a stupid sailboat. Contempt.” You and your fucking sailboats! Fuck. Uh, defensiveness. I’m not into sailboats, I have nothing to do with sailboats! Stonewalling. And they gave us this magnet that looks like a piece of flooring, and you hand it to your partner when you’re done speaking and you say, now you have the floor. And… It costs $900. We got our pictures taken with their cardboard cutout ’cause they couldn’t be there. And they’ve… they’ve also gave us an acronym for love, which is, Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve. It was so fucking fun! Um, my husband and I do LARP. We Live Action Role Play… as our mothers. Hey, Linda. Listen, it’s Marilyn. I got myself a new purse with my Hilton Honors Points and I just, uh, I thought of you. Oh, Marilyn, I don’t need a purse. I got nothin’ to put in one. Nowhere to go. Well, Linda, you need to treat yourself. You raised four beautiful children through very difficult circumstances, and you… I had nothing to do with it. They had a horrible childhood. I’m amazed that they even survived. Well, you know, Linda, You know, the thing, kid, the thing, yeah. I… When… I… You never worked a day in your life, Marilyn. I worked for 40 years as a nurse. I stood over men’s deathbeds as they begged for hand jobs with their dying breath. She actually says “Blowjobs”, but please don’t say that because it’s my mother. Well, I gotta tell you, once you give Maria a detail, you know? It’s kind of out of all of our hands. Uh… Linda, I get it, you know. My husband Joel, I’m a kept woman. He’s 75 years old, but he still has his appetites, you know? Sometimes I feel like I wear a diamond solitaire necklace like a yoke. Would you want to watch one of my hundreds of DVDs starring anything with Timothy Olyphant? We could have some chocolate-dipped strawberries from Shari’s Berries, still cold from the Internet. You can’t sit next to me. I don’t like people. Uh, listen, Linda. I’ll put my purse between us, and we can pretend we’re in Delta economy comfort. Give ourselves an upgrade. We deserve it. Sorry. Fine. So, it’s rude. This is more one-woman show territory. Apologies, apologies. Okay, this is the scariest part of the show. I’m trying to believe in something, and, uh… I can’t, there’s something more, more bigger than myself, and I just, I just can’t, I can’t think of anything. And, um… But then I remember there’s this game that we used to play when we were kids, and it’s called One Big Blob. What happens: I’m it, you run away from me, frightened, afraid. I begin running after you, while chanting, one big blob! One big blob! One big blob! Eventually I end up catching one of you, and it’s gonna be you. I got you. Come on, take my hand, take my hand. And now we both have to begin chanting. One big blob! One big blob! Now you catch the person next to you. I know. One big blob! And then we start catching each other. Come on, you guys! It takes a long time, and a lot of effort. Come on, everybody! One big blob! Join hands. One big blob! One big blob! I’m gonna wait! One big blob! I don’t want to do it, either. One big blob! One big blob! One big blob! One big blob! I know it’s weird. One big blob! You can do it! One big blob! One big blob! One big blob! One big blob! That’s great. Okay, now… This is great. Isn’t it uncomfortable to be in the blob? It’s so awful! Your hands are sweaty. But you have to do it, and we gotta stay together because you have to catch the one outlier, probably that guy who’s going out the back door, the apparent winner, but is he? Because he’s alone. He is alone. And everyone must let themselves be caught because otherwise the game will never end, and it is a shit game. Everybody just wants to play soccer, a game of individual achievement and glory. So, um, anyways, if we could just blob it on a few things. Um… I could hang a religion on that. Anyways, that’s my, that’s what I love. Thank you so much for cooperating! That was amazing! That was fun! One big blob. I should have blobbed with you, Arnold. I should have blobbed with you. Thank you so much. Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank everybody on this flat, and on the balcony! Thank you so much. Thank you! I have one more song. Please have your seats, have your seats. I have one more song, and, um… I love music. And, you know, I’m not trained, uh, classically. But, uh… I’ve been working on some… Oh, those are just fart noises. Yes. Yes, they are. Oh, that’s not music. That’s what they said about Stravinsky, Philip Glass, the punks. If this is my song, how can I keep from singing? The harshest criticism… has come from fellow comics. Who said, “Jesus Christ, Maria. Aren’t you even writing anymore?” No. No, I am not. Hmm, I just wrote that. Do a serious face, serious face now. Yeah! That’s good stuff. He’s so fucking good at peek-a-boo, you guys.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Trevor Noah: Lost In Translation (2015) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-lost-translation-2015-full-transcript/

Filmed at The Lincoln Theatre in Washington, D.C. [upbeat music] [cheers and applause] Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Hello. Yeah! This is us. Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Nice to see you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome. Welcome. This is us. Washington, D.C. [cheers and applause] Yeah! Okay, you guys feeling good? Yeah? [cheers and applause] That’s good. That’s good, yeah. Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo to you too. – Whoo! – And that as well, ma’am. And that as well. I love that. I love the sounds people make. It’s so much fun, yeah. We’re just–we’re just throwing language out of the window. I like that. I feel like we’re devolving as human beings now. No, ’cause that was the thing that separated us from the apes, wasn’t it? The fact that we chose speech. Yeah. The monkeys used to run around and screech. [screeching] And we were like, “No.” English. [laughter] But now, we’ve started to go back to that, started to embrace our roots. People get excited, “Are you happy?” “I’m real happy.” “How happy?” “Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo! “Whoo-hoo! “Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Ow!” That’s one of my favorite sounds. It sounds like someone’s having so much fun they hurt themselves. Like you didn’t plan ahead of time. [screeches] Ow! Too much fun. Such a weird sound. I love it. And you know what’s crazy is that we all know what that sound means. We don’t agree on anything in this world– race, religion, politics– but that sound, that “whoo-hoo,” has united us all. You can make that sound anywhere and people accept it. As long as there’s alcohol present, you can make that sound. Whoo-hoo! But there has to be alcohol. You can’t make that sound anywhere else. You can’t make that sound in the office. It’s unacceptable. Your boss won’t allow it. You can’t be like, “Final email. Sent. Whoo-hoo!” “Johnson!” “Sorry, sir. Sorry, sorry.” Can’t make that sound in church. “And that is why Jesus died for our sins.” “Whoo-hoo!” “Sorry, pastor.” “Go to hell.” You just can’t do it, but everyone knows it. Everyone knows what “whoo-hoo” means. It means happiness, yeah. The happiness of the people. Strange, because no one asked me to vote on it. I didn’t get to choose. If I was to choose, I don’t know that I would pick “whoo-hoo” as the sound of happiness. Strangely enough, I think it may be more apt as the sound of sadness. I could see it, at a funeral. Family gathered around the caskets. Tears streaming down their face. Pastor reading the eulogy. “We’ll always remember Mary “as a loving mother, “a caring friend, “foodie, blogger, “and wonderful sister. “Before we lay her to rest, “would you please join me now as we observe a moment of whoo-hoo.” Everyone’s standing there in tears. [imitates sobbing] “Whoo-hoo! “Whoo-hoo! Ow!” There’ll always be one big lady in the corner, [Amazing Grace melody] ♪ Whoo ♪ Whoo-hoo ♪ Whoo-hoo, hoo-hoo “Thank you very much, sister.” Such a fun sound. The sound of happiness. The sound of white happiness, in particular. Yeah. I’ve tracked it. I’ve searched for the source of whoo-hoo and I found it originated with white people. White–white woman in particular. Yeah, that’s where it comes from. That is the sound of a white woman’s turnup. That is the sound of her getting into the game. It’s like, “Tammy! Whoo-hoo!” And that’s where you know it’s on. Yeah, ’cause everyone else learned it from a white woman. That’s where it came from, you know? It spread through society like a virus. It’s not the natural sound anybody else makes. White women make that sound instinctively, but everyone else has learned it. Like, white men were the first ones to learn it, because for them, it’s sort of like a mating call. They know what it means. They have to reciprocate, like, “Whoo-hoo!” “Whoo-hoo!” But everyone else had to learn it. It’s a natural sound for them but for nobody else. Like, black people whoo-hoo but it’s not the natural sound black people make for fun, you know? Black people can whoo-hoo. Black people often do whoo-hoo, but it’s not instinctively a black sound of happiness. And I think it’s because black people aren’t comfortable with the whoo-hoo. Deep down inside there’s a certain moment in whoo-hoo when every black person stops enjoying it. There’s just– there’s just a moment when–and maybe this is just my personal experiences, but I fear it sounds eerily similar to a police siren. There’s just a moment where it stops being fun. [cheers and applause] There’s just that split second where it’s like, “Whoo-hoo, whoo! “Whoo, whoo, whoop-whoop, whoo. Whoop. Whoop. Boop.” [laughter] Put your hands in the air… and keep them there. It’s not the sound of happiness in my life, that’s not– Although, I guess that’s why white people do it. ‘Cause white people love calling the police, so they’re probably like, “Whoo-hoo! “Oh, my God, the cops are here! “Party time! Come on in. I thought you’d never make it.” ‘Cause white people do, white people have a very different relationship with the police. I was trying to explain this to my friend, Dave. You know, when we’re hanging out he’s like, “Dude, what is it with black people and police?” I’m like, “It’s not that black people don’t like the police or hate the police, it’s just that–it’s just that we have a tumultuous history with the police.” One day we were driving– we’re driving on the highway and the police car pulled up behind us and I got tense. I just got really tense. And he’s like, “Dude, what’s going on?” I said, “The police. The police are behind us.” He was like, “Yeah, and? Did you do anything wrong?” I said, “That’s not the point.” Because it really isn’t. For white people, that is the point. The police will send you to jail if you do something wrong. As a black person, you have a different relationship. The police may send you to jail just because. I know this because I was– I was driving– I got pulled over by the police for the first time in my life in America. And already, I’m not very comfortable when driving in the United States, you know. Not because it’s the other side of the road, but because it’s the other side of the car. I’m not used to that, you know. Like–like, I always get into the car on the wrong side. I’ll be shopping and I’ll come back to my car confidently, and I’ll jump inside and put the things down, and then I’m like, “Ah.” [laughter] And then instead of getting out, I sit there. I always just sit there, because I always think somebody’s watching me. So I just sit there and I act like I planned it all, like… “Where is my driver?” [laughter] “Where is my– He should have been here by now. Where is my–Oh, well, I guess I’ll drive myself.” [laughter] I don’t know why I do that. I’m not comfortable. But you have to drive in Los Angeles. So I had a little rental car and I’m driving on the freeway and this police car pulls up behind me. And he drives behind me for a little bit and then he flashes his lights. And I was like, “Oh, he probably wants to go past.” And so I moved over to the middle lane and then he came with me and he flashed his lights again. And I was like, “Oh, come on, just go past me, man. Just go past me, man.” And I went back to the fast lane, he came back with me. And he hit–flash the lights, and this time it was like, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. And I was like, “Yeah, go past. You keep coming with me. Go past.” ‘Cause I didn’t think he was stopping me. I thought it was basically the vehicular equivalent of that moment on the sidewalk when you both don’t know which way to go. I thought we were doing that with our cars, like, “Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, all right. Ahh.” I thought that was happening. I thought that was happening. And clearly he thought that I was evading him in the most polite manner ever, because he gets irritated, and he’s like, “Pull over to the side of the road, sir.” Whoop, whoop. “Pull over to the side of the road now.” Now, I couldn’t hear what the hell he was saying. I’m not gonna–Which I think is part of the problem. I don’t think it’s fair that police have speakers on their cars and we don’t. I think this is a recipe for disaster. That’s the first step in mending relationships is communication, people. I don’t know what the hell that guy was saying, but I couldn’t tell him. He was like, “Pull over to the side of the road [indistinct mumbling].” If I had a speaker, I would have had the ability to be like, “Sir, I cannot hear what you’re saying. “Enunciate your words, please. Enunciate your words. Speak clearly.” “I said, pull over [mumbles].” Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. “No, no, use your words, buddy, use your words. Talk to me. Talk to me. What do you need?” “Pull over, pull over.” I’d be like, “Okay, I will be pulling over right now. Thank you very much.” Like, it would be more effective, but I didn’t know. So I’m–and he’s like, “Pull over [mumbles].” I’m like, “I don’t know what the hell you want.” “Pull over to the side of the road [mumbles].” I’m like, “What are you talking about?” He’s like, “Pull over! Pull over!” And I panicked, and so I stopped. I pulled over. Right there where I was on the freeway, which apparently you’re not supposed to do. I didn’t know this, ’cause I just know that police tell me to do something, I do it. So he said, “Pull over,” and then I stopped. and then he was like, “Don’t pull over there.” Then I was like, “Well, you should have been more specific. You can’t tell me to pull over and then tell me not pull over. You should’ve said pull over at a time that is more appropriate. You can’t just tell– Now I’m panicking. He’s like, “Get back onto the road.” I’m like, “This guy does not know what he wants. I’m–” Now, I’m back on the road. He’s like, “Take the next exit.” And now, we’re driving and now he’s guiding me along. It’s like I had a really angry GPS. It was the weirdest thing ever. And, so he’s driving me like, Make a right at the light. Make a right.” It’s like I chose angry cop on my Waze. That’s what it felt like. He was like, “Turn left. No, I said left. Turn left.” No, recalculating. When it is safe, Mickey.” [laughter] And so finally– finally we stopped. We stop, I pull over on the side of the road. He pulls over behind me and he gets out of the car, and I’m shitting myself. As he gets out, he goes, “Keep your hands where I can see them!” I’m like, “I don’t know what you can see or not see. “I don’t know. “These are very vague instructions. I don’t know what you can’t”– So now, I’m doing this. ‘Cause I don’t know what you can see or not. I was– Like, don’t get me wrong. I just– You know what the thing is. I just don’t want to die. That’s all, I don’t– I just don’t want to die. And I know I don’t look like– but I’m not the dying type. I really–I’m not. Like, I’m a chill-out guy who likes living. I don’t want to die, and the worst thing is I don’t know how not to die. That’s the thing. I don’t know how not to die. ‘Cause every day, I turn on the TV it seems like another black person is being shot. So I just want to know how not to get shot, you know? I try and learn, I really do. I try and learn, you know? It all started in the lower– in the lower echelons of enforcement, community watch, George Zimmerman, shot Trayvon, the young boy. And the story started off with “Man shoots boy.” Everyone was like, “Yeah, this is horrible. This is disgusting.” But then the news, for some strange reason, the next day they just forget and then they start asking other questions. “Well, why was he wearing a hoodie? What was he doing, and why was he wearing a hoodie?” I was like, “Oh, is that–so that’s–so don’t wear a hoodie.” That’s what it is, the hoodie. It’s very frightening. You don’t know what’s going on under there. Yeah, we’ve all seen Star Wars. It’s the creepiest thing ever. Yeah, yeah. It’s the dark side. And so I was like, oh, if I don’t wear a hoodie then I’m safe. No one’s gonna shoot me if I don’t wear a hoodie. you cut forward, and then the next thing you know it’s Mike Brown in Ferguson, and he gets shot by the police. Unarmed, gets shot. You know, like a man was unarmed and he got shot, and I was like, “Oh, this is disgusting.” And they said, “But also, he approached the police officer “apparently, and he may or may not have scuffled with him. We don’t know, but he approached him.” And I was like, okay, okay, don’t wear a hoodie and don’t approach the police. Don’t go towards the police. You see police, you go the other way. You got the other way from– Okay, cool. I got it. So no hoodies, no approaching the police. This is it, I’m learning. I’m learning. This is– But then–but then the next guy comes on the news, Eric Garner in New York City. And there he is, he’s standing and the police, they apprehend him and they start choking him. He doesn’t go towards them. He doesn’t– He’s standing there with his arms up, and he gets choked to death by six policemen. And then they come on the news and they say–and they go, “Well, you gotta understand, for these police, I mean, “this was a– this was a pretty big guy. “He was a pretty big guy. He was scary. He was a really scary, big black guy.” And I’m like, “Okay, cool. So don’t be a big black guy and then you should be fine. Don’t be a big black guy and then I should”– And every day I look in the mirror and I’m like, “Good job.” And I’m like, “Okay, fine, fine.” Okay, so don’t wear a hoodie. Don’t wear your hoodie and don’t approach the policemen and don’t be a big black man. I think–I think I’ve got it all down. I think– And then I turn on the TV and then I see Walter Scott. A 50-something-year-old man running away from a policeman getting shot in the back. Running away from the policeman. And again, the media, for some strange reason, just seems to forget what the main purpose of–of the discussion is. ‘Cause on day one they go, “Unarmed man shot in the back.” Day two they’re like, “Who was Walter Scott? “Let’s find out about it. Apparently he had a charge of assault against him in 1987.” So he gets shot for it? How hard did he punch the guy that he gets shot for it in 2015? What, did he punch the guy into the future and then he came back to get him? Is that what happened? I mean, it was the ’80s. Everyone punched somebody in the ’80s. I don’t understand why this is a big deal. They were saying the craziest things. They were like, “Walter Scott, I mean, this is– “Everybody’s talking about the police officer. Let’s talk about him. Why did he run? Why did he run?” ‘Cause he didn’t want to go to jail. Are we really gonna live in a world where police no longer want to chase criminals? Is that what we’re saying? Is that what we’re saying? Police no longer want to chase criminals. That’s the whole point of the game, isn’t it? We played it as kids, cops and robbers, yeah? You’ve seen the movies. That’s what makes it fun. “Freeze!” “You can’t catch me, copper.” And then you run. That’s what makes it fun. Now, police no longer want to chase criminals. We’re gonna live in a world where police– Can you imagine what that’s gonna do to the movie industry? It’s gonna be horrible. We’re gonna be watching “Bad Boys Five,” Martin Lawrence and Will Smith, “Freeze!” “Okay.” End of movie. Done. It would be the worst movie ever. This is the strangest thing. They ask all the weird questions, questions that have nothing to do with a man being shot who is unarmed. They come on and they go, “Also–also noted is that Walter Scott owed $16,000 in child support.” To the cop? [laughter] No, no, I mean, like– [cheers and applause] To the– ‘Cause–’cause that would be a different story. That would be like if that was the mother of his children that shot him, then you know what? I may–I may actually be on her side. You never know, yeah. I might have been there like, “You know what, sister, “you shoot him in the back, girl. “That’s right, you shoot him “thinking he ain’t gonna pay after he play. “You shoot him in the back thinking he gonna run away “from his responsibilities. Shoot him dead.” But this has nothing to do with it. A policeman shoots an unarmed man. He’s running away, and they have the nerve– They have the nerve, the crazy nerve to say, “This officer feared for his life. He was afraid.” Afraid of what? The man’s running away. There’s nothing less frightening than somebody running away from you. That is the definition of fear. He’s running away. The only thing he could have done to be less threatening is to cluck like a chicken as he–[clucking]. There’s nothing less frightening than a man running away from you. Like, what are you afraid of? You can’t say he was running– “I was afraid.” Afraid of what? He’s running away from you. That makes no sense. You’re seeing him from behind. No one’s threatening from behind. They’re running away. There’s no one who’s– Like, maybe Kim Kardashian, but nobody else is– He’s running away from you. You shoot him in the back. Like, yeah, “I was afraid.” Afraid of what? What, do you have abandonment issues? Why would you shoot a man– “My dad left when I was five.” Makes no sense. So I don’t know how not to die. And here I am in my car on the side of the road in a random street in Los Angeles, and the whole time it was like, “I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die.” And the policeman gets out of his car and he starts walking towards me and his hand is by his side. And it’s doing this. And I’ve watched westerns. [laughter] I know what this means. This is never good. This never turns into friendship. [laughter] So now, I’m starting to stress and I’m looking at him in the side mirror of my car and I’m panicking, because objects in the mirror are closer than they appear. So he’s gonna get there at any moment. And I don’t know why, I don’t know why I did this. Like as soon as he–I panicked. I completely panicked, and I launched myself out the window. I took my body and I threw it out the window, and I fell under the side of the car just like… [imitated explosion] and onto the side of the car. I basically went back to nature. I thought of a predator. You don’t make eye contact and you play dead. That’s all I did, I just played dead on the side of the car. Which freaked him out. He was completely– He was just like, “What? Hey, hey! Hey, what’s going on?” I said, “I’m sorry, officer. I’m sorry.” He’s like, “Sir, what are you sorry for?” I said, “Whatever it is that’s gonna make you shoot me, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, officer.” He said, “Sir, get back in the car. Get back in the car.” I said, “No! I don’t wanna die. “Please, I’m not falling for that trick. Please, officer, I’m sorry.” He’s like, “Sir, I’m not– I’m not gonna kill you. Just get back in the car.” And I mean, this guy was just as freaked out as I was. I’m not gonna lie. ‘Cause I mean, when I put myself in his shoes, what does he do? Imagine that, you’re standing on the side of the road, a guy jumps out of his own car. What doe he– He can’t even call for backup. What does he say? “10-4, I need backup.” “What do you need?” “I got a black guy, killed himself?” “10-4, you gotta make something up better than that. We’ll back you up, don’t worry.” Like, you can’t– Like, what do you say? It’s just like a weird– The guy’s freaking out. I’m freaking out, and I’m lying there. And this guy, he–he approaches slowly. He approaches, he finally gets to me and lifts my arms, and he’s like, “Get back in the car, sir, get back. Get back in.” And he stuffs–he stuffs me back into my window. “Get back there.” I’m like, “No, no, I’m not– Please, I don’t want to die.” He’s like, “Sir, sir, calm down. Calm down.” I go, “Okay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He’s like, “Sir, have you been drinking?” I said, “No, sir, I haven’t been drinking.” He said, “Okay, calm down. Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?” I said, “Is it because I’m black?” And now, I wasn’t being an ass, nor was I joking. I’d just been informed that as a black person in America, if you drive a really nice car, there’s a good chance you’re gonna get pulled over by the police. Yeah, so in my world, he was doing his job as I had been told. Yeah, I wasn’t judging him. In fact, I was– I was a little flattered. I was like, “Well, thank you very much, Mr. Officer, “for noticing this bad boy right here. That’s right, 2015, baby.” I was really excited. He was more freaked out, though, ’cause I–’cause I said to him, I said, “Is it because I’m black?” And then he did this thing that I’ve come to learn is the reaction of white people in America who, when they hear information they can’t process fast enough, have this–this thing where they smile on the outside, but on the inside, it’s almost as if they’re short-circuiting. [laughter] Like, he looks at me and he goes, “I’m–I’m sorry, what?” I said, “Because I’m black, that’s why you pulled me over.” And he goes, “Uh, no. Hey, no, no. Hey, we– “No, that–that is not–that– No. No. Hey, um, who– I don’t–I don’t–No. No, that is not why–” [stutters] [imitates explosion] I felt so bad for him. Yeah, I think we both learned a lot that day. The two of us grew from that experience. Yeah. I was speeding, that’s why he pulled me over. [laughter] Yeah. But he let me go. Fear. I’m having a great time, I really am. I’m not getting speeding fines, enjoying my time out here. Some of you may or may not know, I got a job. This is fantastic for me. [cheers and applause] Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much, yeah. [cheers and applause] That’s–and that’s– That’s how my grandmother put it, funny enough. I phoned my grandmother to tell her that I’d be working on “The Daily Show,” and she was really excited. She was like, “Whoo, Trevor! “I’m so happy for you! Well done. You got a job.” I said, “No, no, Granny, I already had a job.” And she’s like, “No, you didn’t. Did you have an office?” I said, “No.” She’s like, “Then it wasn’t a job.” That’s all she cares about. My mom was a bit better. I called her to tell her the news, and to give you a bit of a backstory, I’ve got two younger brothers. Right, so one brother is nine years younger than me, and then the youngest is 20 years younger than me, right. And so the youngest just became one of the student council members in his school, right. So he got onto the student council. So I phoned my mom to tell her my good news. I’m on the phone with her and I’m like, “Oh, Mom, I don’t know if you heard, I’m gonna be on ‘The Daily Show.'” And she’s like, “Oh, my baby, I’m so excited. “Oh, praise Jesus, this is wonderful. “Well done, baby. I’m so happy for you. And did you hear what happened to your brother?” I’m like, “No, what happened?” “Oh, he’s on the student council at his school. “Oh, I’m so excited. “Both my boys are doing big things in the world. I’m so happy. Oh!” [cheers and applause] And I was like, “Yeah, some things are bigger than others.” [laughter] She’s like, “No, it’s all the same.” I was like, “You say that, but I mean, you know. Come on, you know.” [laughs] She’s like, “Okay, fine, fine. You were never student council. So let’s cheer for him.” I’m like, “What?” It was a wonderful experience. Changed my life completely. Come into the U.S., feel like people are smiling at me more. Might just be my imagination. ‘Cause I noticed at the airports when I’ve been flying in, probably a combination of–of my job and the fact that the Ebola crisis is now past. That was probably the worst– the worst time ever is flying into America as an African during the Ebola crisis. It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen in an airport. You’d walk in, there’d be tension. They’d usher everybody into a special quarantine area. Ask you questions, questions that they don’t normally ask. The number one question they always asked was, “Sir, have you been in contact with Ebola?” They’d always ask, “Sir, have you been in contact with Ebola?” I love–I love the sincerity of the question. Like there was a chance my answer could be, “Yes. And next stop, Disney World.” [laughter] [laughs] Like, what kind of person do you think I am that I’d still be embarking on a journey having knowingly been in contact with the most deadly disease on the planet? Like, who do you think I am that I’d be there like, “[coughs] “I don’t care! “Booking.com has a zero refund policy. “I’m going to Disney World even if it kills me, “Mickey Mouse, and everybody else. I’m going!” “Have you been in contact with Ebola?” And they always say that like Ebola was like a distant relative. I love the phrasing. “Have you been in contact with Ebola?” “Yeah, I spoke to him last week. He’s doing well, eh. Thank you very much for asking.” Ebola made flying a nightmare. One of the worst flights, I was coming from Johannesburg, South Africa, going to San Francisco. Flew and then because the distance of the flight, you have to stop over in Washington, and they change over your flight, so you go on to another plane, and then that plane takes you to San Francisco. And when we were changing planes, when we were switching over, the air hostess on the second plane tells the passengers that Africans are coming on board. Right, and so because of this, they’re gonna be spraying the cabin with a light pesticide. Right. No, I understand. Like, when people are afraid, they do stupid things. I get it. But what I didn’t understand was why she told them this as we were boarding the plane. [laughter] Have the decency to speak behind our backs. ‘Cause we’re walking onto the aircraft and she takes her little microphone, she goes, “Ladies and gentlemen, “please note we have some passengers joining us “from the South African flight. They’re coming from Africa. “If everybody could please stay in their seats “as these passengers find their place. “We’re gonna be spraying the cabin with a light pesticide “due to the Ebola crisis. “And feel free to cover your nose, eyes, ears, and mouth. “The pesticide shouldn’t be harmful, but it may be. “So if everybody would just cover up, and we’ll be “coming down shortly as everybody takes their place. Thank you very much.” She says this as we board the plane. This is our introduction, “Ebola crisis.” And we’re there like, “Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hi.” Do you know how hard it is to find a seat in a plane with people that think you’re bringing them death? Do you know how hard it– Like, you’re sitting there and everyone, you go– It almost felt like that scene from Forrest Gump. Like, as I’m walking down the plane, people were like, “Mnh-mnh. You can’t sit here, no space.” You’re just walking down trying to find your Jenny. [laughter] Finally, everyone’s seated. We take off, plane heads out to San Francisco. And it was by far the most tense flight I have ever been on. I coughed once. [laughter] The plane shook. It wasn’t even a bad cough. It was just like a little tickle. I was just like, [coughs] The guy opposite me was like, “Ebola! Ebola!” I was like, “Yo, dude, calm down, man. “Calm down. It’s just AIDS. You’re safe, buddy. “Calm down. It’s okay.” Everyone was so stressed. The plane was tense. No one wanted food nor snacks. We finally land at the airport. The plane is taxiing to the gate, and everyone, everyone was waiting for that seat belt sign to go off. Everyone was just– Like, it was more than normal, ’cause already– I never understand why people are in a hurry on a plane to get out of their seat, like, ’cause you can’t go anywhere. Whenever a plane lands, everyone’s just in a– “Come on. Come on. Come on.” You can’t go–You’re gonna go there. That’s where you– You literally go there. “Come on, come on.” Boop! Yeah. You can’t–I don’t understand why people are in a hurry to go. You know who’s even worse? The people at the window. You have no right to be in a hurry. You’re sitting there like, “Come on, come on. Come on!” Boop! Yeah. Oh, that’s good. Yeah. Yeah, pass me my luggage, pass it to me now. Right now. Yeah. I’m glad I didn’t sit down for two more minutes. This is much more comfortable. Just stay in your seat. Just wait. Ebola made it worse, a hundred times worse, you know, ’cause now everyone wants to get out of the plane. Coughing, sneezing, you can feel the tension. And as we’re about to leave, the air hostess comes back on the P.A., and she goes, “Ladies and gentlemen, back in your seats, please. “Everybody back in your seats. Unfortunately, right now, “we have a health and safety official “that needs to come on board just to make sure “that everything is A-OK, due to Ebola. “We’re just gonna make sure that everything is fine. “So please stay in your seats, ladies and gentlemen. Again, apologies for the delay.” She says this and then this man comes on, the health and safety official, right. And he has with him a list of all the African passengers and a thermometer, right, a digital laser thermometer. And he comes on and his job is to scan all the African passengers and get their temperature. And I think the way it works is, like, if you’re very hot, then you’ve got Ebola, right. So he’s got the list and he walks around, scans the passengers and gets the thing, walks down, takes their names off the list, gets the temperature, gets the names, temperature, names. Finally gets to where I’m seated and does the weirdest thing. He scans the passenger opposite me, moves to my aisle, looks at me, looks at my name, looks back at me. And then he just shrugs and walks away. [laughter] Nah. [laughter] Almost as if I wasn’t African enough. [laughter] I’ve never felt so conflicted in my life. You know, because don’t get me wrong, right. I never want anyone to think I have Ebola. [laughter] But I also don’t want anyone to assume that I can’t have Ebola. [laughter] You don’t know me. You don’t know what I’m capable of. I could have all the Ebola in the world. – I’m there trying to cheer myself up. Like, “Chin up, Trevor. You could have Ebola. “Chin up, kid, come on, come on. Come on, you could have Ebola.” And he walks to the back of the plane, scans the rest of the passengers, gets to the tail, and he realizes he’s now missing a name. So he looks back through the plane, can’t figure out what’s going on. I know it’s me. I know it’s me, but I’m not gonna help him. No. He had his chance. He had a good Ebola man and he let him go. And so I watch him panic, and as he panics, the air hostess comes back down the plane. She goes, “Hey, what’s going on? I need to get the people out.” He goes, “Yeah, I know. I got a problem with the Ebola list. I can’t figure out where the– where the passenger is.” And she’s like, “Yeah, I gotta get the people out.” He’s like, “Look, I know. This is killing me as well, but I just gotta figure out.” She’s like, “Yeah, yeah, “if I don’t get them out, I’m dead. I’m dead. I gotta get the people going.” He’s like, “Yeah, I know. Just calm down. Just give me a second,” and now– now you can feel the tension building on the plane. People start whispering, there’s murmurs going around, ’cause some people are hearing pieces of the conversations. Like broken telephone as it goes down the plane, all they’re hearing is, “Yeah, yeah, Ebola. Ebola. Killing the people. Dead, dead, everybody out of here. Dead.” You can feel the tension. People start looking at each other. The guy opposite me didn’t even hide it. He was like, “It’s you. It’s you! Ebola, it’s you!” I was like, “Dude, I do not have Ebola. Stop saying that. Stop saying that.” He’s like, “It’s you, damn it. It’s you with your coughing.” I was like, “If you don’t shut up, I’ll cough on you. I’ll cough on you now.” He was like, “What?” I was like, “I’ll cough… [coughs]” He was like, “What, I’ll kill you.” I was like, “I’ll kill you first. [coughs]” Aah! Everyone on the plane starts losing it. The people are going crazy. Everyone is stressed. People want to leave, and in the middle of the chaos, in the midst of all of this, I’ll never forget. A Middle Eastern man maybe four rows behind me dressed in very traditional garb, he stands up and he sticks his head into the conversation being had between the air hostess and the safety official, and he goes, “Excuse me. Pardon me. Sorry to interrupt. “I couldn’t help noticing what you are talking. “I just want to say maybe you want to check. “I noticed that gentleman over there was coughing little bit, “and then he never liked anything [indistinct]. “Yeah, I thought he was wearing a hood. “Something about him, I don’t know. “Something just made me a little bit uncomfortable. “I thought maybe you want to check. There, I said. “You know–you know what they say, see something, “say something, yeah. Just maybe you check there.” [laughter] I’m like, “Really? Et tu Ahmed.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] How the wheel has turned, my friend. You quickly forget there was a time when Muslims were the black people of the sky. [laughter] And yet, now you have deserted me. ‘Cause I thought he’d be on my side. I thought if anyone understood what it would be like to be stigmatized, it would be that man. You know, I thought we shared something. I thought he’d look over and be like, “Don’t worry, brother. I got your back.” Instead, he sold me down the river, threw me under the bus, like, “Hey, it’s your turn now. I’m free, bitches.” [laughter] And he was. I don’t blame him. He was. ‘Cause Ebola was one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen in terms of the human condition, how quickly we’re taught to panic. You know, one minute I’ll be flying and I’ll see people of Middle Eastern descent getting pulled, you know, random selections beeping through the machine. And then Ebola happened, and all of a sudden the focus shift– The focus shifted, and now it was Africans being pulled aside, Africans waiting. Middle Easterners were cruising through security. And then almost as quickly as it started, it flipped back overnight. And I’ll never forget when it happened. Right after the “Charlie Hebdo” attack in Paris. That attack happened, and almost the next day Ebola wasn’t a thing anymore. Middle Easterners were back in the spotlight. Normal service had been resumed. ‘Cause after “Charlie Hebdo,” I would walk through airports and no one gave a damn. They didn’t care about me, where I was from, nor the bananas in my bag. [laughter] [applause] I just–I just cruised through security. “Charlie Hebdo.” “Terrorist attack in France.” Everyone led with it. CNN, “Breaking news. Terrorists have attacked ‘Charlie Hebdo’ headquarters.” BBC, “And in breaking news, unconfirmed report says–saying 12 people have been killed by terrorists who’ve attacked”– Everyone said they were terrorists. It was weird to me ’cause we didn’t know that they were terrorists. We just knew that they were Middle Eastern. But immediately we went to terrorist, because if you’re Middle Eastern that’s a terrorist. That’s the world we live in now. Yeah, if you’re Middle Eastern, terrorism is your trademark. It’s so crazy how easy it is to get people to hate a group of people, ’cause that’s what happened. “Charlie Hebdo,” and then everyone started saying things about Muslims. “These damn Muslims. These damn–We gotta stop Islam. “That’s what we gotta do. We gotta stop these Islamists. “These Muslims. “Now, I’m not saying all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims.” It sounds really smart, doesn’t it? Sounds really smart, but it’s not. It’s stupid and it’s hate speech. That’s what it is. It really is. [cheers and applause] Terrorism is not a race, it’s an act. It evolved over time. Yes, right now we’re dealing with extremism, Islamic terror in some parts of the world. But if you go to other parts of the world and ask them what a terrorist is, they’ll show you a different face. You go to England 20 years ago and you said, “What’s a terrorist?” They’d show you a drunk Irishman, right. I didn’t need to say drunk. I could have just said Irishman. [laughter and applause] There was a time when– when Nelson Mandela was labeled a terrorist. Like, terrorism is an act, it’s not a face. People say these things, “Well, these Muslims, “you gotta admit, there’s an awful lot of them. Awful lot of them doing the same thing.” I’m like, “Yeah, but you know who’s not terrorists? Most Muslims.” Yeah, most Muslims are not terrorists. I’m not even Muslim, but it gets to me, because I’m like most Muslim people are not terrorists. You know how you know this? Because we’re still alive, yeah. They’ve had ample opportunity to take us out, people. There’s a billion Muslim people on the planet. They’ve had every chance. They could have killed us using those falafels they sell us after midnight when we come out of the club. They could have wiped us all out with their killer kebabs. They’ve had the means. It’s so weird to see our prejudices, you know, the way people are labeled in the media, in society. It’s not just Muslim people. You see it with black people as well, you know. People saying these things like, you know, I remember when the–when the riots were happening in Baltimore. People quickly jumped, “These thugs. “These are a bunch of thugs running around. These thugs. “You know, I’m starting to think that black people like crime. “That’s what I’m starting to think. “Is that the only way they can deal with it? Black people like crime.” No, no, black people don’t like crime, because you know who’s not a criminal? Most black people. Yeah, most black people are not criminals. [cheers and applause] Black people hate crime just like everybody else. It’s not like black people are cheering crime on. It’s not like they’re watching a black guy do some shit. Like, “Yeah, Darnell, you steal that shit, man. You steal that shit. Yeah!” No. When black people see a black person doing a crime, they’re also looking at the person like, “That n i g g e r crazy!” You gotta fight the act, not the face, not a face that you put the– It’s not the– It’s not the same thing, and everybody has it, you know. If you’re Middle Eastern and you do something, if you’re a black person– black person gets shot in a bad neighborhood, the first story they always lead with– Always lead with the same thing. “And today in Compton, a man was shot in what is suspected to be gang-related violence.” It’s always gang-related violence. It never says anything else. They were just two guys. Gang-related, probably gang-related. “Why do you say that?” “Well, because, you know, in this area there’s… hip-hop.” Why is it gang-related? It’s always gang– It doesn’t matter who it is. Could be two kids, someone got shot, “A three-year-old was shot today by a four-year-old in what is suspected to be gang-related violence.” “But they’re kids.” “Yeah, they recruit very young.” “It wasn’t a mistake?” “No, it’s not a mistake. It’s never a mistake.” But if it’s in a rich neighborhood, the story changes, ’cause you’ll never hear them reporting the same thing about the Hamptons. “And today in the Hamptons, a man was shot “in what is suspected to be gang-related violence. “The Burberry gang have been known to operate around these parts and recently”– They never say those things. In fact, you’re more likely to see the police commissioner going, “A lot–We’ve just conducted an investigation. “We found out that a firearm was discharged earlier today “and the bullet left the–the weapon… “penetrating a victim, and we’re gonna investigate whether–whether it was misfired or”– “I’m sorry, did you say– Did someone shoot the gun?” “Well, we’re not–we’re not ruling anything out right now, “but–but we’re checking to see if there was a mechanism failure or”– “What about the person?” “Well, we–we don’t think that this was intentional. We don’t”– “So wait, we live in a world “where you investigate a gun before you investigate a rich white man, is that what you’re saying?” “No, no, no. No, that– That’s not what we’re saying. “But I mean, you must remember, the gun is black, “but that’s not the point. The point is”– [cheers and applause] It’s so weird how our prejudices have given everyone their lane. Middle Easterner does something, they’re a terrorist. Black person does something, they’re gang-related, they’re a thug. But if a white guy walks into a church killing nine people dead, what do they lead with on the news? “And today in an isolated incident “a lone gunman walked into a church, opening fire and killing nine people.” It’s always a lone gunman, yeah. “A lone gunman with no ties to society whatsoever.” They always separate him as quickly as possible. I love how they do that. “He kept to himself and was notoriously unfriendly. He had no friends whatsoever.” No, no friends, really? No, no friends? Not even one? Not even one? [cheers and applause] No friends? I– Not even on Facebook? No, everyone has friends on Facebook, come on. You’re telling me the guy had no friends. It’s almost like as the shooting happens, everyone’s like, “What? Dillon? Unfriend, unfriend, unfriend, unfriend, unfriend, unfriend, unfriend, unfriend, unfriend.” It’s the weirdest thing ever. And the first thing they always go to is mental instability. That’s what they go to, the first thing. They never go with terrorism. “What happened? Are we–are we saying this was terrorism?” “Whoa, wait. We’re not gonna jump to that conclusion. “This was a young man who was really mentally– He was unstable. He was a troubled young man.” But he was a terrorist ’cause he committed a terrorist act. He walked into a building, shot a bunch of people to try to spread a message of hatred, right. He was trying to pass something. He was trying to do something. That’s an act of terror. “Now, well–well, look. No, not necessarily. He was a troubled young man.” “Yes, and a terrorist.” “Yeah, but he was mentally unstable.” “Just like terrorists.” That’s exactly what a terrorist is. There’s no normal reason to blow yourself up. That is ridiculous as shit. You’re crazy. [cheers and applause] You’re crazy, but you’re still a terrorist. It’s weird. It’s almost like without realizing it, what they’re saying on the news is, “You know, this young white man “is clearly struggling with something. “I mean, because why would you forgo all that privilege? Why would you”– [laughter] “I mean, he was a young white man. “Why would you throw that all away by– “I mean, if he was a minority, I get it, ’cause that shit sucks. But I mean, why would you throw it–He must be crazy.” [laughter] This is madness. I refuse to be part of this. I refuse to live in a world who will deny white people, the moniker of terrorist. That’s racism, people, that’s what that is. If a white man, through hard work and determination, commits an act of terror, he deserves to be called a terrorist. He worked for it, damn it. You don’t deprive him of that because of the color of his skin. You give it to him and you put him up there. Bin Waleed and Charlie. It’s terrorism. We all–we all have our prejudices, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I– You know, I try to be better. I really do. I realize every now and again I do things that I’m not particularly proud of, you know. Like, for instance, whenever I fly into America, if I’ve been out of the country and flying back into America, I always try to fly on Middle Eastern airlines specifically. So I’ll fly on Emirates or Qatar or Etihad or one of those. And the reason I do this is because I feel there’s less chance… [laughter] That somebody– [laughter] [applause] That some–And this may sound a little bit racist, You have every right to be offended, you really– But I feel like there’s less chance that somebody will attack one of those planes, for–for a few reasons. Number one, because they’re not proving a point. The plane’s already Muslim owned, Muslim run. They’re not converting anybody. And secondly, and more importantly on my side, I think there’s a small chance somebody could defuse the situation. Someone could talk them down just because they speak the same language, yeah. That’s–that’s half of terror for me is the fact that you don’t understand what the person says. The guy’s speaking Arabic. Arabic, it puts fear in the hearts of all men. [imitating Arabic] You never think good things when you hear Arabic. Yeah, we watch–we watch too many movies and TV shows. Like, you–whenever you hear Arabic, then some bad shit happens immediately. That’s always what happens. [imitating Arabic] [imitates explosion] It’s never something cool or sexy. It’s never like, [imitating Arabic] [whooshes] It’s never that. And so it makes you think, it makes you think a certain way. I know–I know I’m not any different. I was on a flight, my first Middle Eastern flight, flying on an Emirates plane, and this man emerged from the galley. He had a long beard and he was carrying a box, and he just went off, he was like, [imitating Arabic] And I was like, “Aah!” [screaming] [scream fades] Chicken, please. Chicken. Sorry, I– I get really excited with chicken. I’m–I’m sorry for that. Sorry. “That, my friend, excited? You looked petrified.” I said, “I am, of the flavor. “Chicken, wah! I love chicken. I love chicken so much.” He’s like, “Oh, is that the– is that the black thing?” I said, “That’s racist.” [laughter] It’s just– it’s just a little thing that makes me think there’s a chance that if someone understands the language they may be able to talk the guy down. You–there could be. There could be a terrorist on the plane. Guy with a suicide vest. We’ll be flying 40,000 feet in the sky. Man jumps off, losing his head. There he is, [imitating Arabic] And just maybe, maybe some guy will be opposite him like, “Hey! What are you doing?” “I’m going to blow up this plane to show everybody that Allah is great!” “Yeah, but… we know this.” [laughter] “Everybody here knows this. So what are you doing?” “I wanted to show all of you the power of–” “What are you showing us if we already know, huh? “What are you showing us? Are you saying “we are not good Muslims, is that what you are saying, huh? “Are you saying we do not know the power of Allah? “Is that what you are saying? You are saying we are bad Muslims. What are you saying?” “No, my friend, please, I was not trying to offend you. “I was just trying to kill you. Listen to what I wanted to show you.” “What are you showing me, huh? “Are you saying I do not pray, is that what you are saying? “You’re a better Muslim than me? “You think I’m not good Muslim just because “I’m watching Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, is that what you think, huh? What are you saying?” “No, I’m not saying that. I wanted to–” “What are you show–You show nothing. You make us look bad. “Why don’t you preach? Why don’t you talk to people, huh? “This is not Islam. What are you doing with your stupid dress? Blah blah blah, blah blah blah. You make us all look bad.” “No, no, I was not–” “No, you’re not trying nothing. “No, you even got your vest backward. You don’t even know what you are doing here.” “Sorry, it’s my first time. I never done this before.” “Yeah, yes, story, story. Sit down, shut up, eat something.” “I don’t know if I can–” “No, it’s all challah. “You can eat it. Don’t worry, you can eat it. “You can eat it. [indistinct] Stupid.” There’s a small chance that could happen. And that’s why I do it. [cheers and applause] I’ll do anything that makes my flying experience a little bit more comfortable. Ah, you guys are fun, man. You really are. Thank you very much for coming out. Thank you. I appreciate it. [cheers and applause] I really appreciate it. It means the world to me. And I mean that, literally, it means the world to me. Stand-up comedy changed my life forever. I don’t think I would have ever had the opportunity to travel. Grew up in Soweto in South Africa. [cheers and applause] Oh, thank you. Thank you. I didn’t choose it, but thank you. [laughter] I don’t say it in like a– like a sob story way, you know. ‘Cause everyone was poor in Soweto, which was cool, you know. Like, when everyone’s poor together, it’s cool. It’s fine, yeah. ‘Cause you don’t feel it as much. It’s not like anyone can tease you and be like, “Ha ha, you are poor.” “Yeah, so are you.” “Ah, this sucks.” But I would–I probably never would have traveled the world were it not for stand-up comedy, you know. I’m the first person in my family to ever board an airplane. First person in my family to ever get kicked off an airplane. I would have never–I would have never learned about America. I would have never come out to places like Washington, D.C. I would have never learned to travel on the other side of the road. I would have never learned about charming racism had I not come to this beautiful country, yeah. Probably something that changed my life forever, charming racism. Classic American charming racism. [laughter] I never knew there was such a thing, growing up. And I thought I knew all about racism. I was, you know, coming from the home of some of the best racism in the world. No, and I don’t mean to brag, but South Africa is, by far– Like–like we’ve got–we’ve got top quality racism out there. Like, it’s handcrafted. You don’t get racism like that anymore. Like, I’ve seen racism all over the world. To be honest, the standards have dropped. It’s not what it used to be. Like, I’m–I’m talking about quality racism, you know. Now, it’s cheap and mass-produced, probably made in China now. I’m talking about real racism. And America showed me, showed me a wonderful, new type. You know, I’ve always considered myself a racism connoisseur. I appreciate the finer racisms in life. Not all racisms, don’t get me wrong. I have my favorites. I have my not-so-favorites. You know, like, blatant racism, I love. I love blatant racism. You know exactly where you stand with the person. It’s often old people that exhibit blatant racism. Yeah, they tell you exactly how they feel. “This is what I think about you.” And you’re like, “Yeah, and you’re gonna die soon.” I love this. We shared. There’s racisms I don’t particularly care for, like subtle racism I don’t like. Really don’t like subtle– You know where people don’t tell you they’re racists. They just leave a series of clues, hope you’ll figure it out for yourself. I hate that, who’ll say things like, “We don’t need your people around here.” “Who?” “Your people.” “Tall people?” “No, damn it, your people.” “Friendly people?” “No, I’m talking about your–” “Well, I’m not gonna help you. Say it. “If you believe it so much, say it. “Have the balls, stand behind your convictions. Say it. “Don’t leave a series of clues, and now I’m working this out. “What is this, racism sudoku? Are you serious? Just–just say it. Be proud.” But don’t justify it. Rather embrace it, be blatant. Or be American and be charming. I discovered charming racism in a place called Lexington, Kentucky. [laughter] I don’t know if you’ve ever been, but you really need to go. It’s a beautiful place. Old-school charming racism with a smile and the tip of a hat. Everyone in Lexington had this vibe, this smile, the charm, the drawl– Oh, the Southern drawl, I love it so much, the way they would speak out there. The grammar’s horrible, but it’s still beautiful. Well, ’cause the sentences don’t really make sense. They’d be like, “Y’all ain’t never done gone see none of them out”–and it’s like, that’s–that’s– That’s not English. Your autocorrect is broken. I don’t know what that is, but it’s–but it’s beautiful. You know, in fact, when they speak really fast, sometimes it sounds like somebody’s playing a banjo inside their mouths, that’s– That’s what it sounds like to me. I asked two men for directions, and this–They started arguing. It was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life. The guy was like, “Where you goin’, boy?” I said, “I’m going to the–to the theater. Can you direct me?” He said, “Y’all get on the [indecipherable accent] road. [indecipherable accent] that way.” The friend was like, “No, [indecipherable accent].” “[indecipherable accent].” “[indecipherable accent].” It was almost– [laughter] [cheers and applause] It sounded like someone started a Mumford & Sons concert in their mouth, ’cause one minute they were talking and then they got into it and the guy was like, “[indecipherable accent].” “[indecipherable accent].” “♪ [indecipherable]” “♪ [indecipherable]” “♪ [indecipherable]” [continues singsong indecipherable speech] ♪ [indecipherable] that way [cheers and applause] N i g g e r. [laughter] [sighs] The reason I’ll never forget Lexington, though, is because I met a woman out there. A gorgeous, gorgeous woman. I’ll never forget her till the day I die. She walks into the lobby of the theater where I was standing with some friends, and she was absolutely stunning. A classic Southern belle. She had long, big blond hair, giant boobs. [laughter] She strutted her stuff into the lobby, pushing people out of the way. She made her way straight for me, straight for me. Came to me, pointed me in the face, and she was like, “Excuse me, baby. Excuse me, honey. May I chat to you for a moment, please?” I said, “Yes, of course. Hi, hi. How are you? How are you, ma’am?” She said, “Honey, I just want to let you know “that you are by far the funniest and handsomest n i g g e r I done ever seen!” [laughter] And I was like, “What?” I was so shocked. ‘Cause isn’t it “most handsome,” not “handsomest”? [laughter] Their grammar is just crazy, man. No, you guys have been too much fun. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. I had a great time with you. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] [jazz music] ♪ [cheers and applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Joe Rogan: Triggered (2016) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/joe-rogan-triggered-2016-full-transcript/

[rock music playing] [audience cheering] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Joe Rogan. [audience cheering and applauding] What the f*ck is going on, San Francisco? Thanks for coming. I appreciate it! God damn! Put your phone down, f*ckface! I see you, b*tch! Put your phone down! Motherf*ckers. They can’t use their eyes. Everybody’s gotta live through their goddamn phone. Whoo! I’m high as f*ck. Whoo. It’s strange. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna do this sober. I’m like, “Ugh…” It’s not the move. Not in San Francisco. This is… I love pot, but the people that are making edibles need to slow the f*ck down. Oh, my God! What are you trying to do to people? I had a pot gummy bear the other day. I think we can all agree a gummy bear shouldn’t be able to steal your soul. Right? How the f*ck are these people making these things, man? They’re not consistent. That’s also part of the problem. You don’t know what you’re getting, ’cause they’re not making them the same place where they make Tylenol. Nah, it’s some greasy dude with a Grateful Dead T-shirt on and a gray ponytail. He’s got a bowl of ingredients, and he can’t remember whether or not he put weed in yet. This dude’s time traveling, just back and forth. He just keeps chucking weed in there until it looks like lawn trimmings. You eat it, and it’s not what you’re looking for. It’s not regulated. You gotta ask questions. I asked a dude at the pot store. I go, “Hey, man, how strong are the gummy bears?” He goes… That’s not a unit of measurement. He’s like, “El diablo. El diablo.” “F*ck, man. How much should I take?” “Just the leg.” “Just the leg? Why are you selling whole bears? What the f*ck are you trying to prove, man?” They just watch you leave with that bear. They go, “Oh, shit.” They know. They know you’re not gonna die. You’re gonna think you’re gonna die, but everybody lives. Learn some shit. We learn some shit from the scary trips. See, the thing about edibles, one of the problems with it being illegal, is that a lot of us don’t have a lot of information that we could use. Like, there’s a difference between smoking it and eating it. When you smoke it, you get THC. But when you eat it, it’s processed by your liver, and it produces something called 11-hydroxy metabolite that’s five times more psychoactive than THC. And it lets you talk to dolphins. [audience laughs] This is a real moment that changed my life. I was in Hawaii, and we were on a boat, and we were fishing. We were pulling these lines behind the boat, and I was so high, I was trying to figure out which way the Earth was spinning. Like, the boat’s going this way, and the sun’s up there. I’m like, “Um…” For like 20 minutes, I’m paralyzed. So, while this is all happening, these dolphins just show up. And if you’ve ever been around wild dolphins, they’re very trippy. It’s very different than you expect, because they look at you. They, like, check you out. They, like, pop out of the water and they, like, look at you… like a person, not like a f*cking deer or woodchuck. They look at you like another person. Granted, I was so high I thought I was gonna die, but… I’m making eye contact with these dolphins, and I started thinking, “How smart are these f*cking things?” Because we’re fishing. Dolphins eat fish. But you never catch dolphins. Ever. No one has ever gone fishing and accidentally caught a dolphin. And all I could think of while these dolphins were, like, hopping through the water, and looking at us and shit… I was thinking, “If people lived in the water, you’d f*cking catch ’em all day.” They wouldn’t even have to live in the water. If cheeseburgers just floated down Geary Street… at least once a week, a guy would be like, “I’m taking a chance.” And you see ’em getting yanked up to the clouds. “F*ck! We lost Billy!” The bottom of his sneakers in a puff of cloud. You don’t catch dolphins on fishhooks, man. That’s weird. They’re around fishing all the time and like, “B*tch.” They’re f*cking smart. How smart? Well, I watched a dolphin documentary, and it said they have a cerebral cortex that’s 40% larger than a human being’s. I don’t know what that means, but if you say it right and don’t f*ck up the words, it makes you sound smarter than you really are. I think what it means is they have big f*cking brains. But we don’t think of them as being smart ’cause they don’t do what we do. Right? They don’t send e-mails. They don’t have houses. But if you lived in their world, you don’t need anything. You don’t need your fingers. No one’s typing. They have a language that’s so complex, we can’t understand it. All the food’s free. They stay where the water’s warm. I started thinking, “How f*cking smart are they? What if they’re exactly the same as us? What if it’s just some different branch of evolution? We went one way. They went the other. What if consciousness is the same?” I was thinking, “What if me to me is the same as me to a dolphin?” The way you think of yourself when you say the word “me.” I was like, “What if that’s exactly how a dolphin feels? They’re just living life through different biology, different genetics, different life experiences. But if I lived a dolphin’s life, I would be him. And if he lived my life, he would be me.” And then I started thinking, “What if that’s the case with people? What if everyone is exactly the same? We’re just living life through different bodies. What if that’s the secret of happiness? Treat everyone as if it’s you living another life.” [audience cheering and applauding] I mean… And then I thought, “God damn, how good is this weed I’m getting in California? Whoo! I’m on a f*cking floating craft out in the middle of the ocean, talking to water people.” The problem with treating everybody as if it’s you living another life is you wanna f*cking smack yourself. Half the people you meet, you just wanna f*cking smack ’em. We live in the weirdest time ever. I mean, it’s the most awesome time ever. But it’s the weirdest time ever, too. We’re, like, that close to President Trump. [man 2] No. Boo! “No. Boo!” You boo, but you won’t vote, you f*cks! All those Bernie Sanders people, “Yo, Bernie’s the shit.” “Did you vote for him?” “Voting ain’t real, bro. It doesn’t even work, dude.” We are that close to President Trump. Bill Cosby’s a rapist, and Bruce Jenner’s a chick. We’re in an episode of Lost. Down is up and up is down! This is the type of world you get when you give kids participation trophies for getting their ass kicked in soccer games. This is the world we get! We get a goddamn Nerfed-up world filled with nonsense. Nobody wants to be president. Nobody. I hope Hillary wins. That way we can realize chicks can’t do that f*cking job either. It’s a stupid job. It’s a stupid job invented back when people used to write with feathers. It’s dumb! It’s just some old-school shit that we need to get rid of. It doesn’t make any sense. Being president is great if there’s like 50 people. If there’s 50 people, you can figure out which one’s the best. Three hundred million people? I have three kids. I don’t know where the f*ck they are right now. How is this one dude in charge of 300 million people? It’s nonsense. It’s so old and stupid. They make this guy sleep in this f*cking White House. If Trump wins, you know his house is cooler than the White House. He’s like, “I’m not sleeping in that shitty-ass, stupid house.” Trump’s probably got, like, a tube at home that he opens up, and a Chinese girl just pops out of it, and sucks his dick and goes right back in. That’s what I would do if I had that kind of money. We’re down to assholes! Where’s Elon Musk when you need him? Where’s the f*cking geniuses? Where’s Mark Cuban? No. We got an old lady trying to get back at her husband for a blowjob he got in the ’90s. We got an old man who hates money. And we got a reality TV star with a plastic set of hair. You can’t have a president with environmental concerns, when every time this motherf*cker does his hair, we lose a foot of ozone layer and a polar bear bursts into flames. He’s got, like, a closet full of Aqua Net at home. You can’t pretend you don’t give a f*ck when you have that thing going on, dude. Stop that. The White House got broken into while Obama was in office. The first time in over 100 years that someone broke into the White House. Also, the first time a girl was guarding the front door by herself. “What are you trying to say, that women can’t do everything men can do?” Exactly. That’s exactly what I’m saying. That seems sexist, right? People say, “You’re sexist.” No, it’s not sexist. Here’s why it’s not sexist. ‘Cause men can’t even do everything men can do. See? There’s no physical equality, folks. That’s why we have the Olympics. ‘Cause there’s people that can do some shit that you and I can’t do. One of those things is guarding the f*cking White House. I know I can’t guard the White House. You know how I know? Because I’ve met Shaquille O’Neal and his dick is where my face is. That’s not equality. That’s not white privilege. Listen, if the White House is experiencing a Shaq Attack, I’m the wrong dude to save the world. I did Fear Factor with Shaq. If we’re holding hands, it’d be like a six-year-old at the park with his dad. We’re barely the same thing. So, do I think women should guard the White House? No. I don’t think I should, either. It’s not sexist to say that women can’t do big physical labor things as good as giant men can. But people will tell you it is. Well, I’m not sexist. As a matter of fact, my favorite people are all female. I have a wife and I have three daughters. They’re my favorite people in the world. But I could beat the f*ck out of all of them. Okay? Listen… If they’re guarding the door, I’m getting in. I don’t mean to sound cocky. But I’m just real confident. I could f*ck them up if I had the flu. Okay? Yeah, we’re different. We’re different. I could beat up my cat, too. I’m not proud of it. I just tell you what’s up. If you wanna bet money, bet money on me. I’ll f*ck that cat up. Most likely. Cats are f*cking weird like that, man. I was petting my cat once and he bit me. I was like, “Whoa! Are we gonna do this? What the f*ck are you doing here?” I got a little nervous. Got a little nervous. “Women can do everything men can do. This guy’s a piece of shit. We’re leaving. Too much information is going in that I don’t agree with!” “What the guy said was total bullshit. Total bullshit.” How’d that girl get that job? I’ll tell you how that girl got that job. Because someone let her have that job. Which means, either there were a bunch of guys that were trying to f*ck her… or her boss was a chick and she hated her. Either one’s possible. Look, if there was a bunch of guys that were trying to f*ck her, that makes total sense. If there’s one hot girl and she’s working with five guys in an office, no work’s getting done in that office. That office is now just an audition to see which guy gets to f*ck her. Each one of those guys will just slowly start to morph to figure out what this girl likes. Men become like an octopus that tries to fit its way through a keyhole. “There’s gotta be a f*cking way. There’s gotta be a f*cking way!” You got this girl who’s like, “I could guard the front door.” “Oh, you could definitely guard the door. No doubt. No doubt.” And over time, if this woman doesn’t sleep with one of these men and claim him, over time, these guys will just start morphing. And they’ll just start saying ridiculous, preposterous shit. “Debbie wants to guard the front door. Do you have a problem with that?” “No, I don’t. As a matter of fact, I think women are amazing. Plus, I’m vegan.” And they will just… They will wear patchouli. They will do what the f*ck they have to do. Next thing you know, poor f*cking Debbie at the front door… “Why am I alone?” [chuckles] The whole story is so bananas. And it’s one of my favorite stories. So I’m gonna give you the whole story of the break-in at the White House with no edits and no comic exaggerations. This is the real story. ‘Cause a lot of people think there’s some grand conspiracy. There’s some cabal of evil geniuses that’s pulling the strings on everyone in America. It’s most likely that people are just dumb as f*ck, in all sorts of walks of life. This is the story. This is the real story about the person who broke into the White House. First of all, people are always worried, “The government’s checking out my e-mails, bro. The government’s watching us all the time.” They pulled this guy over two months before he broke into the White House. He had four handguns, two rifles and a machete with him. They didn’t even watch him. He had a map. On the map was Washington, and it had an “X” where the White House is. They’re like, “You’re good to go.” They let him go! Two months later, this motherf*cker broke into the White House. And why did he break into the White House? Why do you break into the White House ever? Because you want to die. You don’t… That’s like a suicide run. That’s the only reason why someone runs toward the White House. If you had to ask someone, “What kind of security do you think they have at the White House?” “Oh, dude… they got snipers on every corner. They got lasers in the grass. If you get too far, they open up a door, you drop right into jail.” Nope. Turns out they don’t even have a dog. You just f*cking run. The guy who made it into the White House, he had 800 rounds of ammunition in his car. Left that there. Took a knife. That’s a guy who wants to die! He’s just sitting in his f*cking car going, “F*ck the government! F*ck my ex-wife! And f*ck everybody! I’m gonna do this! F*ck you!” Just sprinting, “Oh, my God, I’m doing it! Oh, my God, I’m doing it!” Thinking, with every step, “This is gonna be the last step of my life. No, this is gonna be the last step of my life. No, this…” And he gets to the front door. It’s unlocked! He opens it. There’s a girl there by herself. Smacks her to the ground and just starts running through the hall. Ah! He’s probably going, “Why am I alive?” He’s probably thinking… He was inside for minutes. For minutes, running around. He got tackled by an off-duty officer. He was probably thinking, “I wanted to die. I don’t want to go to f*cking jail. Will somebody please shoot me?” Then he was probably pissed. “Where are my tax dollars going? What kind of security are you f*cking people running in this place?” [chuckles] Imagine when Obama found out a girl was guarding him. He was probably like, “Everybody, everybody, not that much diversity. I mean, what, are you playing f*cking fairy tale games here?” Obama’s got a hard job, ’cause he’s the first president that’s ever been around while Google was here. You know, he could Google his own name if he gets crazy in the middle of the night. Right? “So, let me see what the people have to say.” He’d just go, “Obama is a…” [groans] “I’m none of those f*cking things.” Freakin’ out. Shit. [sighs] Probably thinking, “Why the f*ck did I do this?” I think the guy who broke into the White House and Obama probably have a lot in common. In that… they went for it, but they probably never really thought they were getting in there. You can’t quit once you’re the president. The moment Obama actually got into office, like, “Good morning, Mr. President,” he was probably like, “Oh, no! What the f*ck did I do this for? I didn’t think I was actually gonna get in. [sighs] I can’t sleep. I’m freaking out. Everybody wants to kill me. [exhales heavily] Who the f*ck is guarding me?” Looks out in the hallway. There’s a girl taking selfies. That’d be the greatest selfie of all time. A girl with her ass out, duck lips, in the background, a dude’s breaking into the White House. [laughs] You know I’m not making this up. You’ve all seen this. This is recognizable. Pigeon-toed is a good move ’cause you can’t get away that good. You just, like… Like there’s something wrong with your back. That’s a recognizable pose. When did that start? ‘Cause if you look at the original pictures back when people first invented pictures, everybody just stood there looking hungry. Like, if you saw a photo from the 1800s, and in the background a girl was going… She’s a f*cking time traveler! Nobody knew that move back then. Somebody had to see their face. “Oh, people like that. They like what I’m doing.” Combo. A two-hole combo attractor. It’s all over online! It gets you a lot of likes. I saw a gal on Instagram, she has eight million followers. All she does is take pictures of her ass. That’s it. She’s got a winning formula. She sticks with it. No witty memes. There’s no inspirational quotes. Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh. Just a lot of this. Different ways. And she’s just a regular girl, man. I’m watching this, I’m like, “This is a different kind of person.” She has eight million people that have no idea what her voice sounds like. She doesn’t have a job that they like. She doesn’t have an occupation that they follow. They’re just staring at her ass. This is a new kind of human. There’s never been a person, psychologically, that’s had to navigate those kind of waters. If you really stop and think about it, science should really step in and start looking at this. Don’t go to South America to study some new frog that nobody gives a f*ck about. There’s a girl in Florida with eight million people staring at her ass. How does this girl keep a relationship? What is her day like? How many dick pics does she get sent? How many dick pics does that girl receive on a daily basis? Is it like the national debt counter was just f*cking spinning out of control constantly? I bet if she turns on the notifications, her phone just starts screaming and runs away from her. I bet if she deletes all the dick pics from her phone, it would be physically lighter. This is a new kind of person. We really have to understand, there’s never been a person like this before. And she’s just a person. Like, that kind of influence, that kind of attractant, that’s a very strong drug to have in the hands of just a girl. And as a guy who has daughters, I just think of that, like, that’s kind of f*cking… That’s weird. Because this girl has eight million people staring at her ass. Eight million creeps and weirdos and perverts objectifying her. I mean, I follow her, but I’m not like those other assholes. I’m different. I care. I care about who she is. I’m a nice person. I’m a hero or something. [laughs] “I’m different. Those other guys are assholes. Men are noble. Men are noble and true.” Mmm. If we get to come. If men don’t get to come, we get real Sméagol-like real quick. Just a few months of no dates, [imitating Gollum] “Mesus is just so disappointed with all the mens mesus meets. Mesus is so embarrassed at how other mens talks to you. Mmm. Oh.” Everyone wants to set themselves up as being the noble one. Everybody wants to be Matthew McConaughey, to save the world on a rocket ship. There’s people that are signing up to go to Mars. Do you know about this? There’s a mission to Mars, a manned mission to Mars, where 200,000 people have signed up to be amongst the four people to die on Mars. They’re gonna take a one-way trip to Mars. That’s some sad shit for a bunch of reasons. First of all, it’s some sad shit, ’cause that’s 200,000 people that don’t have any real friends. Right? If it’s someone you love, your real friend… If one of my friends is gonna move to Florida, I’ll be like, “B*tch, where the f*ck are you going? You’re gonna go to Florida? We can’t hang out if you go to Florida. Why the f*ck are you moving to Florida, man?” But you might be able to deal with it. “We can just visit each other every now and then.” But if your friend was gonna move to Mars, you’d be like, “Oh, really? Get in the f*cking car! Just get in the car, dude.” Take him out to Death Valley, “Look around! Sucks, right? Mars sucks worse. Get back in the car, stupid.” Jesus Christ! There’s places in America you can’t live, man. You don’t wanna live in Detroit, why the f*ck are you talking about moving to Mars? People really consider moving to Mars. It’s one of the dumbest ideas ever. But if you say that, people will eco-bro you. Have you ever been eco-broed? These people will find an opportunity to virtue signal over you, as Michael Shermer likes to point out. Like, puff their chest out and say that they’re probably better than you. “Hey, dude. Seriously? You think there’s something wrong with going to Mars? Well, I don’t know if you’ve paid attention, man. We maybe should colonize Mars ’cause California’s almost out of water.” Then he’ll nod, like, “Yeah, b*tch.” We’re right next to the ocean. What the f*ck are you talking about? Look at all that water. You fly over it, it takes a day. The world’s blue. It’s more water than it is not water. We have a salt problem. We don’t have a water problem. Suck the salt out of the water, we got a goddamn party. Instead of pissing and moaning… “Too complicated, bro. We gotta go to Neptune.” Oh, my God! You’re f*cking crazy. We’re a crazy race filled with crazy people. We’re like a dude with a dirty house. Like, “Man, I gotta build a new house.” No, you gotta stop shitting in your kitchen. Stop piling up newspapers you’re never gonna read in front of your bathroom, you f*ck! We’re crazy! One-way trip to Mars. A one-way trip in coach with three other people so f*cking stupid, they’re willing to die on Mars with you. Great. What great conversation you’re gonna have. It’s nonsense, folks. My friend was like, “They’re not gonna die on Mars, man. If people are smart enough to figure out how to get to Mars, they’re smart enough to figure out how to get back.” Here’s why that doesn’t make any sense. People smart enough to get to Mars aren’t going. See, that’s the dirty secret about rocket travel, ladies and gentlemen. Nobody smart enough to make a rocket ever gets in one of those f*cking things. No. No, they look at each other right before the launch and they go… They talk German and they get behind giant f*cking concrete bunkers. They take some square-jawed, corn-fed dude from the middle of the country, tuck a Bible under that dude’s arm and strap him into that giant metal dick, and shoot it off into the heavens. That’s what we do. And that is what that is. That is a metal dick. It’s a robot dick, and we’re trying to f*ck the sky. We are literally trying to come people out of the tip of a metal dick onto other planets. Our ultimate goal is that we get those planets pregnant, and they’re too filled up with people, and then they gotta make a new metal dick. “Bro, we gotta go to Jupiter.” Then they make another one. They shoot that f*cking thing, and they fill Jupiter up. We just keep filling the cosmos up with people. And we never evolve. And we never change. We stay perfect, like we are right now. Who’s in? You’re gonna all come with me. We’re gonna leave here right now and go to the Church of Scientology right down the street, and it’s all gonna make sense when you find out that you are an eternal being that created reality so that you can enjoy it. I watched that HBO documentary a couple too many times. I went Clear, I think. I think I’m Clear. I’m back! I’m back now. If you haven’t seen… [chuckles] I had to watch Going Clear, a Scientology documentary, ’cause I have a neighbor who’s a Scientologist, and I don’t even think he’s gay. I don’t know what the f*ck’s going on. [exhales heavily] But he sleeps really close to me, you know. Like, my bed’s here, this f*cking dude’s bed’s, like, over there. His house is… I mean, if you take away the walls, he’s f*cking right there. It’s like, “What does this crazy f*ck believe?” And Scientology is a wonderful religion. Not just because it was written by a science fiction author who wrote more fake shit than anyone that’s ever walked the face of the Earth. And not by a small amount. This dude never made a second draft in his f*cking life. Everything was one draft of nonsense. And he wrote more of it than anybody. Not in his neighborhood, not in his state, not in a year, not in a decade. More than anyone that’s ever lived, ever. And Scientology is still like, “I don’t see any red flags. I think we’re good. I think this is legit as f*ck.” If Scientology is a good religion, it’s because other religions get to make fun of ’em. It’s like it’s the one religion that even the Mormons are like, “B*tch, you believe what? Hold on. I mean, at least we don’t have video of Joseph Smith. There’s some f*cking shitty black and white footage of L. Ron Hubbard with a captain’s outfit on. You wanna explain that? [chuckles] Why does he have all those awards on? Why is Tom Cruise wearing a gold medal the size of a dinner plate? What the f*ck is going on with you people?” I watched it with my mom, and it was like… First of all, Scientology, they don’t pay taxes. That’s disturbing. They’re tax-free, which means they’re a recognized religion by the government of the United States. Which means the government of the United States had to go over what they believe and went, “Everything seems in order. None of this shit seems like a cult.” Well, what the f*ck is a cult, and what’s a religion? So I had to look it up. Turns out… I don’t know who wrote this, but it’s a perfect definition. A cult is bullshit. It’s created by one person. That person knows it’s bullshit. In a religion, that dude’s dead. So it’s a religion ’cause L. Ron Hubbard’s dead. So I guess they got it on a loophole. I watched it with my mom, and my mom was like, “I can’t believe anybody would fall for that.” “You made me go to Catholic school. The f*ck are you talking about? There was a child molester dressed like a sorcerer sitting on a golden throne, and you made me call him Father. Slow your roll, lady.” Imagine if I talked to my mom like that. Oh, my God. Jokes, folks. Just jokes. I don’t have a problem with people being religious because I just think life itself is too open-ended. It’s too confusing. And I think we’re evolving. And part of our struggle in evolving is unanswered questions. We wanna seek these answers. But in the meanwhile, they just give you so much anxiety, and it f*cks with you so much. There’s nothing wrong with joining a cult. I think you gotta just join a nice, friendly one. Like, the Mormons are a good cult. Here’s why. They don’t get mad at anybody. Like, they never kill anybody. Like, here’s a perfect example. Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the guys who created South Park, they made a hilarious musical called The Book of Mormon. It’s fantastic. If you haven’t seen it, it’s so f*cking hilarious. But it’s also brutal! Brutal about the Mormons. You know what the Mormons did? They went to see it, and they took out a full-page ad in the playbill. It said, “If you enjoyed this musical and you wanna find out more about being a Mormon, please visit our website.” They just took it right on the chin like champs. They didn’t get mad. They didn’t get defensive. They didn’t kill anybody. That’s a good cult. They just said, “What do you wanna do?” “We got nine wives. Shut the f*ck up!” “Everybody just… Everybody, just chill. Just chill.” That’s a good religion. That’s a good cult. Some cults aren’t that good. They get f*cking testy. You know the one. We don’t have to say who. You know what I’m talking about. There’s that one that will kill you if you draw their guy. “Come on, man. I can’t even draw your dude? What if I draw a dude drawing your dude?” “No loopholes!” “F*ckin’ relax, bro.” And this isn’t just theoretical. People have died ’cause they made cartoons. Before the most recent Paris attacks, there was a magazine called Charlie Hebdo, and they were attacked, where 11 cartoonists were killed. Eleven more were wounded, and they killed a cop, too. F*cking crazy! Over cartoons! And when you… When there’s radical, crazy people in the world, what’s interesting is the reaction to radical, crazy people and how everything just sort of kind of balances itself out when things get weird. Because when these people got killed over a cartoon, the whole world was in shock. The whole world was outraged. But one of the scariest things about it was nobody wanted to print those pictures. You couldn’t see ’em in the LA Times. You couldn’t find them in Time magazine. You had to go online and find them. It was a dark moment for free speech, because everybody’s like, “Oh. I don’t wanna get killed. I don’t wanna show the pictures.” It was weird, until… the balance. Because after they got killed and nobody wanted to print the pictures, word got back to Texas… where they promptly held a “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas. I’m not making a word of this up. You can Google it, and I’ll wait. They had a “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas. Two dudes showed up, started shooting at the building. They were killed almost instantly. Why? Because they were at a “Draw Muhammad” contest in Texas. How obvious does a trap have to be before you start getting suspicious? What, are you livin’ in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, motherf*cker? You ever go to Texas? That’s not Santa Monica, b*tch. That’s a totally different kind of white people. Those are some Wild West people that have computers and modern guns. They’re not supposed to be there. People didn’t evolve in Texas. It’s not like they were monkeys, then they became people and they stayed in that spot. No. No, they landed on boats on the East Coast. The stubborn ones stayed. The smart ones made it to California. But along the way, we lost a bunch of people. [audience laughs] And some of them just stuck around. “Y’all go ahead. We’re gonna hang back here. I’m gonna draw the biggest dick the world’s ever seen in the sand. My wife’s got the biggest titties. I’mma try to f*ck a snake. I think it can be done.” They just stayed. They just gathered cattle, stockpiled ammo. And they all talk alike. And that’s why you gotta be nervous. You gotta be nervous in places with accents, okay? It’s one of the reasons why I can prove that California is the best spot to live. ‘Cause all the spots that suck, they all have to sound like each other. ‘Cause I grew up in a place like that. I grew up in Boston. It’s not that the people in Boston suck, but the weather sucks. It’s f*cking horrible. And in the winter everybody gets in their car in the morning, and just goes, “F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!” And everybody’s worried about… It’s a real possibility you might starve to death one day. You might freeze trying to walk home. [imitates Boston accent] So they all talk in the same way. “Oh, my God. How many more months till summer? Ahhh! When is this f*cking winter gonna be over? We need more firewood.” [whines] They have to sound like the people around them. So if other people invade, like, “We stick together. We’re all in this together.” That’s how they are in Texas, too. They’re like, “Y’all ain’t from around here, are ya?” They have a f*cking certain way of talking. Which is proof positive why California is the best spot. Try making fun of a California accent. What are you gonna do? Speak clear and concise? What are you gonna do? You gonna mock us? You’re gonna say some shit that everybody understands? They’re not supposed to be in Texas, folks. It’s not even a state. It’s a republic. They were like, “Man, we ain’t so sure about this whole United States thing. We’re gonna hang back. Hang back, see how this plays out.” They don’t have any rules. They have like three pages of rule books. Here’s how I know this. I’m gonna tell you a fact, a fact about Texas that will change the way you think about Texas. There are more tigers in captivity in Texas, in private collections, than there are in all of the wild of the world. I’m gonna repeat it because I know you’re like, “Oh, the Fear Factor guy is just making shit up to make his jokes work.” No. There’s more tigers in dudes’ yards in Texas than the rest of the f*cking planet! How is that possible? Because they can. Because they went through the rule book… [mumbles] “It don’t say shit about tigers. Order it up, dude. Order it up, dude!” One guy got a tiger, and his neighbor’s like, “Shit, I didn’t know we could get tigers.” And he got two tigers. And the first guy was like, “I ain’t about to let this faggot out-tiger me.” And he opened up Tiger World with his oil money. We’re gonna need those people, folks, if the Russians invade. We can’t make f*cking warrior babies with those chicks in Marin County with fake asses and rubber lips, okay? We’re gonna need some real warrior genes. We’re gonna need some women who wear non-ironic Daisy Dukes. They got cowboy boots with no socks and stinky feet. And they yell out, “Chris Kyle, rest in peace,” when you make ’em come. We need those women! If the Russians come, we gotta be ready. Think about the children. Think about the children while I get a sip. This is super important, ladies and gentlemen. A lot of people are sleeping on… [laughs] Imagine if I had real points. Oh, Jesus Christ. [audience cheering] I love you f*ckers, too, man. So excited to be here. [sighs] I have kids and I lie to them. I get high around ’em, too. People say you shouldn’t do that, but they don’t see it. They say you shouldn’t be intoxicated around your children. Well, I’m not. I’m high. I call it “elevated.” It’s a different thing. The people who have a problem with that, they don’t understand what getting high is. Like, they think you’re gonna be to your kid, like, “Who are you?” What do you think? What’s the worst thing that can happen if I’m a little high around my kid? They’re gonna get extra hugs, and daddy’s going to be paranoid about objects. “Look out. Don’t go there.” That’s it. Plus, I have cool conversations. I have a six-year-old daughter, man. There’s not a lot of 48-year-old man and 6-year-old girl have in common, other than the fact she’s my daughter. And so, our conversations are normally pretty boring. But when I’m high, I’m like, “You know, you call that thing your baby, your doll. You call it your baby, but you know it’s not a baby, right?” “Yeah, I know it’s not a baby.” “Do you call it a baby because you’re the youngest and you like having someone who is responsible for you?” “Maybe.” “Okay. That’s cool. That’s cool. Give me a hug. I love you.” [kisses] It’s weird, man. It’s weird raising little people. There’s some things that I didn’t expect. One of the things I didn’t expect is you have to lie to them. Like, you don’t have to lie to them about a lot of things, but you have to lie to them about Santa Claus. It’s just one of those things, man, ’cause it’s like a community. You have to think about what your kid’s gonna tell other kids. Because when it comes to Santa Claus, you don’t want your kid to be one of two things. You don’t want your kid to be the first kid that tells everyone that Santa Claus is bullshit, ’cause that kid’s an asshole. But you don’t want your kid to be the last kid that figures out that Santa Claus is bullshit, ’cause that kid’s a moron. So you got… You got a little bit of… You’re like, “Oh, no. When do we do this? When do we do this?” And no one knows when to do it. You just let the kids figure it out. Then they’re like, “Dad, what the f*ck?” You’re like, “Aw… Oh, I missed the boat. I missed the boat.” Nobody knows when to do it. Nobody can be honest about it. They have little meetings and shit. And I’m like, “When do we tell ’em?” This lady goes, “When they’re 11.” They’re gonna be f*cking by then. I told her it was funny. She didn’t believe me. I’m like, “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m off by a year.” That’s not as funny, but it’s… I didn’t mean it. But it’s this thing. They want to keep the kids in the dark. And they wanna pretend they’re the only one that’s teaching the kid. This is a weird thing that people do. They’re like, “I teach my kids, man. I teach my kids.” “Eh… when you see ’em.” But unless you’re some freak who homeschools your children in the forest, your kid’s gonna go to school. They’re gonna go to school, and they’re gonna be in a class with 50 other kids. The teacher only makes 20 bucks a year, and she’s thinking about dick. That’s all she’s thinking about. She’s thinking about getting stuffed. She’s a young, fertile woman who loves kids. And she’s writing on that chalkboard. And the kids all huddle up and share information. Like, “Yeah, what did your dad tell you? Your dad tell you that, yeah? My dad says Santa Claus is f*cking bullshit, okay? You ever go near a chimney? It’s that big. What the f*ck? Teacher’s coming. Play with blocks. Act stupid. Uh, how does this work?” They play dumb. They play dumb! They’re like little prisoners, trying to figure their way out. They make little papier-mâché heads and pretend they’re napping. They’re little humans. They wanna run shit. “Who is these people telling us what to do? Are they being straight with us, man? What the f*ck is going on?” I knew the day my daughter knew that Santa Claus is bullshit. She came home, stared me down. She was, like, mad-dogging me. She took her book bag, and just goes… [scoffs] Walked right up to the chimney, looking at me. “How the f*ck?” “Dad, have you ever met Santa Claus?” “No, honey, I’ve never met him.” “But you let him in the house?” And there’s this moment… It was a moment where a seven-year-old has you at checkmate. You’re like, “Oh, shit.” I don’t know whether to high-five her or to keep lying. You wanna go, “Yeah, you got me. You got me. You got me. That’s bullshit. No, the big bang is real, but this is bullshit.” The big bang sounds even less real. The problem is, you have to be consistent. If you’re teaching your kids nonsense, you gotta teach ’em only nonsense. You can’t mix nonsense in with, like, real stuff. Like, my daughter will go like, “How do birds fly?” I go, “Birds have bones that are hollow, so they’re really light. Then they have feathers, which cover a large surface area. And they use the hollow bones and the feathers to push down on the air. See, the air looks like it’s nothing, right? But it’s actually a bunch of gases. That’s why the trees move when the wind blows. The birds can manipulate that and go through 3-D space.” “Whoa!” “Yeah, nature is crazy.” “Yeah. How does the fat man get through the little hole?” “Magic! Christmas magic! Now go to bed. I’m trying to f*ck your mom! Go to bed!” [audience laughing] Jokes, folks. Just jokes. Can’t talk like that. That’s how you make strippers. You gotta be nice. They’re little, tiny people. They’re adorable. They don’t know anything yet. You gotta teach ’em everything. You can’t talk mean. [inhales sharply] Kids are a lot like really f*cking stupid people… in that if you get ten really stupid people in a room, the most confident one just starts running shit. They don’t have to have any more information, they just have to be more confident. If you get a bunch of dummies together, they’re like, “I don’t know what’s going on.” “I don’t know what’s going on.” “I f*cking do. I f*cking do.” The guy doesn’t have to have any extra data, he just has to be the only one that’s confident. And that’s what it’s like in school. My daughter’s class has this f*cking kid named Debbie. And every day it’s, “Debbie says…” Oh, f*cking Debbie says. Debbie says what? You don’t think about that before you have kids. Not only are you gonna have kids, but your kids are gonna make friends, and then you have to make friends with the f*cking parents of your kids. And some of ’em are crazy. My daughter’s like, “Debbie says Adam and Eve are the only two people in the world, and all people came from them. Is that true?” [sighs] And this is weird. Like, you don’t know what to do, right? You want to be diplomatic. You don’t want to cause problems at school. But you gotta be honest. And one of the most difficult things to say to a kid is, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “Sweetie, I don’t know. I don’t know if Adam and Eve is where people came from. But nobody knows, because no one from today is alive back then. So it’s not something you can measure. So it’s not something you can see. So we don’t know. But here’s what we do know. You know how some people have big ears and some people have little ears?” “Yeah.” “Well, some people have brains that are made out of dog shit. And they get horny, too. And what happens is, they have to find someone even dumber than them to have sex with. It’s like the opposite of evolution. And then they have a kid, and their kid is f*cked. Their kid is f*cked! And everybody wants to pretend it’s a level playing field. There’s no level, anywhere you look. Is an eagle and a salmon level? Does the salmon ever get to eat the eagle? No. The universe does not want even! It wants conflict and resolution and constant improvement. Okay? I’m gonna shut this light out, and I’m gonna go f*ck your mom right in the mouth. All right?” I don’t say these things. I don’t say any of these things! I was like, “I don’t know. Maybe Debbie’s right. Doesn’t make sense to me. How would that work?” “How would that work?” “It wouldn’t work, would it?” Adam and Eve are the only two people. They have kids. And then, where do all the other people come from? I guess the kids just start f*cking each other. Is that what happens? Mom f*cks the kids, or the… Yeah, exactly. Debbie’s parents. They were at my house, man, for a cookout, and the dude told me the Earth’s 10,000 years old. They’re Young Earth Christians. They’re sweet people, by the way. Before I shit on them… I’m gonna shit on them, but before I shit on them, they’re sweet. They’re really nice people. I hug ’em every time I see ’em. They’re really kind, nice people. But they just found a part of their brain, they’re like, “I have no use for this.” [grunts] Chucked that whole logic, discerning-reason part. “This f*cking thing’s confusing.” They’re Young Earth Christians, which means they follow the strictest interpretation of the Bible possible. I’m like, “How many people believe the Earth is less than 10,000 years old?” Uh! I looked it up. There’s a recent Gallup poll that said that 46% of America believes the Earth is less than 10,000 years old. [audience booing] Here’s why you shouldn’t be scared. They can only measure people dumb enough to answer polls. And when you factor that in, you’re talking about a really small number. ‘Cause you know what the average response is if you call people up and say, “How old’s the Earth?” Number one answer is, “Older than your mother’s pussy.” And then they hang up. Number two answer is, “F*ck you!” After that, you start throwing numbers around. And only 46% of those dummies were stupid enough to think the Earth is 10,000 years old. That’s Debbie’s f*cking parents. So out of the people that answer polls… Is it even 1%? It might be 1%. Only 46% are that f*cking stupid. And that’s the 1% we should really be worried about. We’re worried about the wrong 1%. Not that we shouldn’t be worried about the really rich, greedy people. We definitely should. We should definitely worry about bankers and people who… They’re just stockpiling resources. They could help the world in some really impossible ways for anybody else. But they don’t. They’d rather just pile up their gold. [grunts] Yeah, that 1% is awful. But there’s another 1% that freaks me the f*ck out that no one’s talking about. That’s the 1% who leave comments on YouTube videos. Who the f*ck are those freaks? Could you imagine people talking to each other like that in real life and not beating the shit out of each other? I mean, if Jesus Christ himself came back from the dead and had a YouTube page, the first comment would be, “You ain’t shit without your dad, pussy.” These are monsters. This is not a normal person’s response. Normal people don’t leave comments. What a normal person does, they watch a video. They like it or they don’t like it. That’s it. It ends right there. But what you’re dealing with is the process of racism, and child abuse, and neglect and shitty genes. And the Insane Clown Posse is playing. They know all the words, and they’re wafting up their farts, and their Cheez Doodle fingers. And like, “An open letter to Jennifer Lopez… Let me pause and just jerk off in my shirt real quick, here. [mimics fart] Ugh… Dear, Jennifer, don’t you think it’s about time you dress a little more classy? What are your children gonna see when they see…” Just f*cking think of the meanest, most biting shit that’s gonna cut it. As if Jennifer Lopez has time in between eating diamonds and f*cking all her background dancers in a castle that she built with her ass. But you know, “Let me check the YouTube comments to see if my self-esteem’s on point. Oh!” And you know who’s dumber than them? Me. ‘Cause I read their shit and I get mad. I know they’re stupid. I still get upset. F*ck! This is the world, folks. This is the world we’re living in. Are we happy? I’m not sure. Is this what we wanted? I don’t know. [woman] No! No. [woman] No! Are you sure? [woman] No! Why are you doing this? What is this? What are you doing? Are you fighting for freedom? What’s happening? [woman 2] No! Are you White Panthers? What is this? [man] Life sucks! What are you saying? [man] Life can kind of suck sometimes. Life can kind of suck? Maybe it’s how you’re livin’ it, b*tch. “Life can kind of suck.” It’s the greatest time ever to be alive. “Yeah, I’d live in the old days when you could die from crabs.” It doesn’t get any better than today, man. So stupid. “Make America great again.” It’s as good as it’s ever been. What the f*ck are you saying? We have 4G everywhere. When has it been better? We have Netflix. When has it been better? Come on, man. Stop. It’s never been better. This is as good as it’s ever been. It’s just weird. It’s just weird. You gotta get your shit together, b*tch. Don’t blame the world. God damn it. Damn it, man. And listen, if you’ve seen any of this show, and you said, “I think some of the stuff you’re saying is really funny, but I sense a lot of, like, macho posturing from you. I sense a lot of, like, bullshit, tough-guy stuff.” You’re totally correct. And what it is is I live with all women, okay? And I’m becoming more of a b*tch every day of my life. And I just wanna say I’m not unhappy. I’ve never been more happy in my life. This is the happiest I’ve ever been. But when you’re with all girls, like, you have all girls all the time, you have to make little compromises. You don’t think about it while it’s happening. It’s like the rock doesn’t think about the water carving a path through it, but eventually, that f*cking path is gonna get deep. And when you’re with all people that are different than you, they just go, “Hmm…” They just start looking at you like little raptors testing the fence. [squawks] They’ll just start poking at you. It’s what people do. It’s natural. It’s just what people do. If you live with people that all are on AT&T and you’re on Verizon, they’re like, “Dude, look at my bars. Make the switch. Come on over. What are you, a f*cking Democrat, dude? Libertarian is where it’s at. Wake up! Join us!” When you’re with all girls, they just start… They constantly f*ck with my manhood. It’s like, I’ll come home and some new thing is painted pink. I’m like, “Why is this pink?” “It looks better pink, Daddy.” “It looks better pink, Daddy.” And my wife’s like, “I think they’re right.” I’m like, “Oh… I see what the f*ck is going on here. It’s mutiny!” They just chip, chip, chip away. It’s like if my manhood was a mountain of marbles. Every day they steal two. They just walk up to my stack… You can’t say shit. You can’t say shit, ’cause it’s only two marbles, and you’re like, “I still got all these marbles. Everything is gonna be okay. I’ll deal with this eventually.” But you’re not gonna deal with it. Every day, two more marbles. You never get those marbles back. You see it comin’. You don’t do anything about it. You’re like, “I gotta go to sleep. All right, everybody stop crying. I gotta go to sleep.” And men don’t want to admit that. “Not me, bro. Not me, bro. I’d rather just live in the woods by myself.” What are you, a f*cking Coldplay song? Huh? What are you, a character in a book, you piece of shit? No one’s honest. No one’s honest about how much we need other people. That’s why the characters that we adore so much in the movies are the people that don’t need people. The people who just walk away from it all, like, “Wow, what a rebel!” But in real life, we need people so bad that the worst shit you can do to a prisoner is put them in solitary confinement. So think about that. You’re in a cement box filled with rapists and murderers. And the worst shit they can do is leave you alone. We’re f*cking weird. We are weird, ’cause what we are really is we’re some weird superorganism that, like, needs each other in some sort of strange way. But we’re all in denial. “I’m kind of a loner.” Oh, shut the f*ck up. There’s no such thing. It’s not real. Every person in this room, me included, all of us, we are all a calculation. We’re all an ongoing, on-running calculation of all the interactions you’ve ever had with all the people that you’ve ever met. And you do a bunch of things that people like, and start doing more of that. You’re like, “I’ll do more of that.” You find things that people don’t like, you’re like, “I’ll keep that shit to myself, hmm. I don’t like that feeling. Hmm.” That’s what we do. That’s what we do. It’s weird. We don’t want to admit it. But that’s who we all are. And I’m just telling you this because I’ve never been more of a b*tch. Right now, I have slowly but surely bent until I’m in this position. This is how I’m riding out my days, just like this. “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” But I’m also telling you right now that I’m not going out like Bruce Jenner. Oh! That’s right, politically correct San Francisco. Here’s my take on this Bruce Jenner thing. And, you know, everybody has their own… Not really. This is what everybody’s take is. This is the take that you’re supposed to have. “He’s always been a woman trapped in a man’s body.” Maybe. Definitely maybe. Definitely people are like that. Definitely, there are people who were born in the wrong gender. And am I saying they should stay their gender? No. Who gives a f*ck? You should do whatever you wanna do. You should be happy. You should be free. I don’t care what you do. But… it’s also possible that, maybe, if you live with crazy b*tches long enough, you become one. That’s all I’m saying. I don’t see this discussed. It is entirely possible. If you put a praying mantis on a leaf, it becomes the color of the leaf. Why? Because it wants to live. It wants to survive. It wants to be accepted by its environment. You show me a man who’s lived with the Kardashians for ten years who didn’t come out a chick, and then we’ll have some data, okay? ‘Cause right now, we lost a f*cking American Olympian, and I want you to have some respect! We’re down Bruce Jenner. And I’ve got a close eye on Kanye West, and I don’t exactly like what I’m seeing. [audience applauding and cheering] Look at Kanye West. He’s a very talented, young, heterosexual man who starts a clothing line… he’s clearly jealous about Taylor Swift, and he tweets like a coked-up stripper in the middle of the night. You don’t see what I’m seeing? We are watching the plot of a f*cking Stephen King book play out! An American athletic hero moves in with a woman who’s made hundreds of millions of dollars through no way anyone can explain to anyone. He breaks up with her. She turns him into a chick. The whole world tells him he’s beautiful. You tell me you don’t see what I’m seeing? You have to say… You have to say she’s beautiful. “She’s beautiful.” She’s not beautiful, and neither am I. Look, I look like a thumb with two thumbs. Okay? You put me in a dress, I’d be even more disgusting. “Beauty’s unusual.” There’s a lot of cool shit that isn’t beautiful. Sixty-year-old dudes in skirts are on that list. Jesus f*cking Christ! What kind of games are we playing here? Why are you lying to children? That’s beautiful. What are my kids gonna think when they see a mountain or a rose? “Is that beautiful too, Daddy? Explain.” Ahhh! Bang! I can’t! The world’s gone f*cking bananas! “What you’re saying is horribly transphobic and incredibly regressive. You should be embarrassed at what you’re doing. You’re doing this just to get laughs at someone else’s expense.” Maybe! Or maybe Bruce Jenner lived with demons. Maybe they waited by the bed… until they knew he was in heavy REM sleep… so they could assume their true form. [squawking] Climb up and kick off their designer shoes to reveal black raven’s claws. Clutched the edge of the bed and just… whispered in his ear. [snarls] [imitating demon] “Bruce… [breathing heavily] we would like you better if you were one of us.” “[groaning] I can’t. I can’t be one of you. I was… I was born a man.” “Nonsense! [snarling] [hissing] Nonsense. Bruce… you no longer can be held prisoner by the gender of your birth. You’re free. Bruce… [snarling] your lips are too thin… for the cover of Vanity Fair.” “Huh? What? Wait. Wait. Did you say the cover? Okay. Are you f*cking with me? Because… you know the cover’s always been my dream.” “It can be real! [snarls] It can be real. All dreams… can be real through surgery. Sleep.” [audience cheering and applauding] Thank you very much, San Francisco! I had a great f*cking time with you savages! Let’s take a selfie. Shit. We got it. Putting together one of these f*cking specials is stressful as shit. I appreciate the f*ck out of all you people being here tonight. And I love you guys. Thank you very much! [cheering and applauding continues] [rock music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Michael Che Matters (2016) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/michael-che-matters-transcript/

Voicemail again? Yo, Che! What they doing out here, man? People out here doing specials, they just up there, just talking. What they doing up there? Like, they don’t even make their specials special no more. You talking more like, that night, like the leather suit special. Remember when they used to do that back in the day? Remember when they came out, they knew it would be their night, or some kind of extraness? Yo, these dudes going on stage but they ain’t saying nothing. You gotta say something that matters, Che, like what’s going on, man. And I like you did it in the right spot, say it the way you wanna say it, say it the way you feel, don’t hold back. Ladies and gentlemen, I need you to make some noise right now. Give it up for Michael Che! Oh! Thank you! Thank you so much! Holy shit! That makes me feel good. I had a rough day. That made me feel better. I had a homeless guy call me a n*gger on the train. I let him because he was homeless and I thought that was the rule. I thought you’re supposed to let homeless people say whatever the fuck they want then just act like you don’t see them. Fuck you. That’s just me, really? When a homeless guy gets on a train and yells awful shit, I turn into one of those British guards, I stand still and look straight ahead, “Say whatever you want, homeless man. You can never break me.” “Just don’t touch me with anything wet.” I’m not… trying to be insensitive. I gave a homeless dude $20, I didn’t even want to. I wanted to give him money. You ever see somebody and just wanna help them out? I just wanted to help this guy out, so I walked up to him and I reached in my pocket, but I felt I had one bill in my pocket, and I pulled the bill out and I saw it was a 20… …and he saw it was a 20… I was like, “I can’t blue-ball this guy, I gotta give him the whole…” You can’t just walk up to homeless people and be like, “Oh, no! Not for you, dude. I almost gave that bum 20 whole dollars. Let me go to the store and buy something I don’t need to make change suitable for your life. Maybe I’ll buy a $3 Snapple and dump half of it out… as to not waste any money.” I didn’t do it. He’s a human being, so I gave him $20. And he was happy to get it. First he was confused. He was like, “Are you sure?” I was like, “Of course I’m sure. You’re a human being. You deserve this.” He said, “God bless you, brother.” I was like, “Hey, it’s the least I could do.” He was like, “Can I get a hug?” and I was like, “No.” I said, “I’ll shake your hand.” He shook my hand and it was soaking wet. -I was furious. I wanted to hit him but I was afraid to make a fist. I didn’t wanna activate whatever liquid was on my hand. I just stared at it. I was like, “Please don’t dry sticky.” He called me a n*gger. The N word’s a tricky word, you know? I told a joke about the N word at another show. The crowd got real quiet, like it just did. I felt bad so I tried to do crowd work to loosen them up, make them have fun again. And it worked. People had a good time, forgot what I was talking about. I forgot what I was talking about. Then I go, “What was I just talking about?” and this white lady in the back yells out, “N*ggers!” You laugh at that shit but that other audience did not. They were horrified! They gasped! They were like, “Hit her!” I was like, “I’m not gonna hit her.” “She’s 100 percent correct. That’s exactly what I was talking about.” I didn’t say, “We were playing basketball. What was I talking about?” “N*ggers!” It wasn’t that. It was also the way she said it, too, because she wasn’t like, “N*ggers!” she was like, “N*ggers! Oh, God.” She clearly wasn’t being racist, she just wanted to hear the punch line. I couldn’t be upset with her for that, you know? I couldn’t be upset with her. If it was a white guy, maybe I would’ve been more upset. Only because it puts a lot of pressure on me as a black dude. I don’t know if you know this or not, but if a white guy says the N word and I hear it, it means I gotta fight him. Even if I’m not that upset, I gotta fucking fight him. It’s in the black dude contract for some reason. And I gotta win the fight! Because if I lose, that means he gets to say it again. I gotta go tell people that shit. I can’t be like, “This white dude called me a n*gger.” “What did you do?” “Well, then I got my ass kicked for 15 minutes.” “Then he yelled it again and rode off on a Citi Bike. It was embarrassing.” That’s just the whitest vehicle I could think of, a Citi Bike. I don’t know why. I don’t know the answer to that question a lot of white people ask, “When can you say it, when can you not say it?” I don’t fucking know. “Can I say it?” I don’t know, try it. I don’t believe that every white person that’s ever said the N word is a racist. I don’t know. Maybe you just like music, I don’t know. You can’t just be a racist. You gotta earn racism for me. This is how I feel. You can’t just say n*gger. You gotta earn racism. I had a white girl call me a n*gger in an argument and I didn’t even get mad because I’ve known this girl for 20 years. And she can’t be a racist. Because she’s got low self-esteem. You can’t think you better than n*ggers if you don’t believe in yourself. Sorry. Do you know what kind of self-confidence you gotta have to be a supremacist? You think Hitler had body image issues? No, man! The motherfucker believed in himself. He had goals. Say what you will about Hitler… That might be the name of this special. Say What You Will About Hitler. I don’t like when white people ask me can they say the word? It makes me, you know… Any time a white guy asks me if they can say the N word, it feels like an alcoholic asking if they can have a sip of my drink. It’s probably harmless but it’s a slippery slope that I don’t wanna be… I don’t wanna be responsible for that. I don’t understand why white people can’t just accept the fact that there’s just some shit you can’t say. As a black guy, I know there’s shit that I can’t say. Like “screwed the pooch.” I don’t feel comfortable saying that shit right now and this is my special. I didn’t even know that was an actual saying. Have you ever heard that before? I didn’t know that was a real saying. The first time I heard it, I was at work and these interns were bringing us coffee. And they brought me the wrong coffee. And I was like, “Hey, man, I didn’t order this coffee.” And he goes, “I’m sorry about that, Che, I really screwed the pooch on that one.” And I said, “What was that?” And he goes, “It means I made a mistake,” and I was like, “No, man, it means you fucked a dog.” “You should probably stop saying that shit in a workplace environment.” Turns out this is a very popular phrase that white people just use all the time. Which leads me to believe that somebody fucked a dog one time… …and just kept comparing it to every mistake anybody else has made… ..until that shit stuck as something normal to drop into conversation. “You messed up the coffee? Now who fucks dogs?” “Still you, dude. You’re still the only guy that does that shit.” “I’m just saying, you messed up the coffee, I fucked your dog, people make mistakes, man.” “You ask me, we both shit the bed on that one. Also, I shit in your bed. That’s another normal thing people do.” I like to start with race stuff because I feel like right now there’s a lot of tension. Blacks and cops aren’t getting along. I don’t know if you’ve seen the news in the past 400 years, but… I don’t know if you’ve seen it. Apparently we’ve hit a rough patch. My brother’s a cop, actually. I don’t fuck with him. I love him! I love him. I don’t fuck with him. Not right now. It’s too hot. I only see him Thanksgiving. And even then, I’m like, “I’m reaching for the potatoes.” He hates that shit. He doesn’t find it funny at all. I think it’s hysterical! We can’t agree on anything any more. As a country, we just can’t agree. We just fight about everything. We can’t even agree on Black Lives Matter. That’s a controversial statement. Black lives matter. Not matters more than you, just matters. Matters. Just matters. That’s where we’re starting the negotiations. Matters. We can’t agree on that shit? What the fuck is less than matters? Black lives exist? Can we say that? Can we say… Is that controversial? We always ask for the lowest common denominator. We ask for the lowest rights. Gays are fighting for equal rights. Equal rights. That’s… Can you believe that’s an actual stance you can have? You can be for equal rights? There’s people saying, “I think everybody should have the same rights as everyone else.” And there’s other people like, “No, son, I disagree.” “I just don’t think so.” Black people was fighting for civil rights. Not even equal. Just civil. “Can we get civil? I’ll take civil rights. Just be civil.” “We just want civil. Can we get civil? Turn the fucking hose off. Can we just get…” They don’t tell you black lives don’t matter. That’s not what they say. That’s not the argument. They hit you with that slick shit. Like, “Well, all lives matter.” Really? Semantics? That would be like if your wife came up to you and was like, “Do you love me?” and you were like, “Baby, I love everybody. What you talking about?” “I love all God’s creatures. What are you saying? You’re no different.” Why do black people always have to get over shit so quickly? Thanks, black lady. Right? Why do we always gotta get over shit? Every time we bring some shit up. Slavery. “Oh, that was 400 years ago.” Segregation. “Oh, you guys got Black History Month out of it. Come on. -We gave you February.” Police shooting. “That was two weeks. Come on, you still…” 9/11. “Oh, never forget.” That’s why this September, I’m getting a T-shirt that says, “All Buildings Matter.” And I’m gonna see how that works. -No? You want one? I’ll get you one. It’s a crazy time to do comedy even. There’s too much shit going on. Blacks are getting shot. Cops are getting shot. Gorillas are getting shot. Fuck that gorilla. I don’t give a fuck about that gorilla. I would’ve shot that gorilla after I saved the baby. Just so other gorillas know that I mean business. I don’t give a fuck about Cecil the gorilla. -I know his name’s not Cecil. I just refuse to learn his name on account that he’s a gorilla. His gorilla parents didn’t name him that, some goofy white lady in cargo shorts did. And I refuse to play along with her sick fantasy… where gorillas have people names. I’m looking at the audience, I know a lot of people aren’t coming with me on this. You don’t give a fuck about gorillas, do you? You’re like, “I kinda do.” You don’t. Why are you pretending to give a fuck about gorillas? You don’t care about gorillas. -You don’t. You do? You don’t. I bet you you don’t! If every gorilla on the planet just vanished tomorrow, just vanished in some weird gorilla rapture… …just all at the same time, no gorillas exist, and nobody on the news reported it, how long before you’d notice? Never? -Nobody gives a fuck about gorillas. And you shouldn’t, because there’s real shit to give a fuck about. There’s shit happening to people. That’s when I’ll give a fuck about a gorilla. When I see a gorilla holding a sign that says, “Black lives matter,” then maybe… There’s real shit going on! Not just blacks. Gays are getting shot in nightclubs. By the Orlando ISIS. I didn’t come… That’s what they called them, the Orlando ISIS. I know it sounds like a WNBA team, but it’s a real fucking thing, and they… Last night, the New York Liberty lost… …67 to 52 to the Orlando ISIS. As fucked up as that was, it did bring to light a lot of issues that we needed to discuss. Right? Big issues, like gun control. I don’t know a lot about gun control. I live in New York City. We got bodegas. When I’m hungry, I don’t gotta dress up like a tree and sneak up on a deer. Get a whistle and seduce a duck. I don’t gotta do that shit. I don’t gotta hunt. We got Pizza Hut and shit. Gun rights are in the Constitution. Or as I call it, the list of white guy perks. Don’t get uncomfortable, you know who the fuck that list was for. The Constitution is white FUBU. For you, by you. But gun rights are there, number two. Number two on the list. Guns. Which makes sense that it’s number two. It should be number two. Because if number one is, “I believe I should be able to say whatever the fuck I want”… number two definitely has to be, “I probably need a gun, too.” Right? Probably, right? Gun control, I don’t know. It’s tricky. Do I think you have the right to buy a pistol to… defend your family? Sure. I can understand that. Do I think you need an AR-15? Seems excessive. I can’t think of a reason why a regular person should just be able to purchase an assault rifle. The only reason for a person to be able to purchase an assault rifle is if maybe you’ve gotta discipline a gorilla. Gorillas don’t matter. I don’t care. That’s just how I feel. Not just gun control. Not just gun control. It brought up a lot of other shit, too. Homophobia. Hm? A lot of homophobia in this country that needs to be addressed. Let’s do it right now. I’m not homophobic. I don’t… I’m not homophobic but I don’t judge people… that are homophobic because I don’t know your life, I can’t tell you what to be afraid of. Maybe you got some real spooky gay guys in your neighborhood that I don’t know about. Maybe you had a gay ghost hide in your closet when you was a kid and he’d… jump out and tickle you. I don’t know what you went through. It’s none of my business. I don’t know exactly what gay guys do. -I haven’t read the brochure. But tickling’s gotta be the scariest of them. If I had any fears, it would be a gay guy tickling me. Because if you tickle me, I’m gonna laugh. Now how am I supposed to tell you I don’t like it? And what if I do like it? What does that mean? That we go together? We gotta go get gay married? I gotta explain to our son how we met. “Dad, how did you meet Dad?” “Well, I was sitting at the bar mad straight and…” “I was straight as fuck, for real.” “All of a sudden, your dad came up behind me and was like, ‘coochie-coochie-coo!’ And then my dick moved and now you’re here.” “That’s the story of the birds and the birds, son.” Is that homophobic? Maybe. Does that make me a homophobe? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think we’re all, as adults, we all have little things that we’ve gotta get over. You might not be homophobic, you might not be racist, but maybe you’ve got some fucked-up views on something, and if you’re not honest about it, how are you ever gonna get better? If I’m not able to say an honest thing, how am I supposed to get past that? Like, I just recently stopped using the word tranny. Because a trans friend of mine… told me how much it hurt. She was like, “That really bothers me when you say that. It’s a very hurtful term.” And I was like, “What?” “Tranny? How the fuck is tranny hurtful? I just added a Y.” “It’s a fucking Y. What’s so hurtful about a Y?” And she was like, “Well, how would you like it if I called you blacky?” Well played, tranny, well played. That’s… pretty good. Pretty good. I’ve been accused of being homophobic. I have. In an interview. Just for being honest. You gotta stop accusing people… just for being honest. That’s a teaching moment. You know what I’m saying? You could school me. Don’t just call me something just because I said some shit you didn’t like. That’s all I’m trying to say. I’ve been accused. In an interview, somebody asked me, what would I do if I had a gay son, and I just answered honestly. I was like, “If I had a gay son, I’d probably be sad. But I’d also be sad if I had a straight daughter. I just don’t want anybody to fuck my kid. I just don’t want my kid penetrated, boy or girl. I don’t… I don’t want some dude showing up at my house in a tuxedo like, ‘I’m here to fuck your son and I brought him this corsage.'” I don’t even have any kids because I’m man pro-choice, but if I did and… You gotta do more than march sometimes. I don’t have any kids. But if I was a father, I’d feel like every man instinctively… just has this need to protect their family… from dicks. Boy, girl, doesn’t matter, you just gotta keep dicks away from your… Instinctively, I just wanna keep dicks away from my family. The longer I can keep dicks out of my family, I feel like the better dad I am. Is that weird? I feel that way. I feel like I’m gonna be that kind of parent. My daughter asks me, “Dad, can I go to the party?” I’m like, “Is there gonna be dicks at that party?” I see any locked doors… I’m like, “What y’all doing? Any dicks down there?” “No, Dad, we’re just doing drugs.” “All right, cool.” “What kind of drugs?” “Weed.” “All right. No crack.” “I know, Dad.” “Why?” “Because crack leads to sucking dick.” “That’s right, crack leads to sucking dick. No dicks in this family.” No? I don’t know where that comes from, that’s just how I feel. But I can be honest about it. Somebody else might feel that way and go see a therapist. Me, I’m here. You know what I’m saying? I don’t know where it comes from. Maybe religion. If I had to guess, I’d say religion. I’m not a religious guy. I believe in God, I just don’t like to bother him. I only talk to God when I’ve got tough questions, like “Why are we here?” or “How we gonna get rid of this baby?” It’s never anything more… I’m man pro-choice. I’m mad pro-choice. Are you miked? I don’t wanna any offend Christians. Are there any Christians here? Anybody Christian? Christian. Yeah? My mother’s a Christian. My mother’s a very religious woman. She used to take me to church all the time. It was cool. I just couldn’t buy in. I’d go in that church, I’d see that big old picture of white Jesus. I was like, “Nope.” I just never believed Jesus was white. Never. Why? First clue, his name’s Jesus. When have you ever met a white guy named Jesus before? In the history of the world, there’s never been another white Jesus. That doesn’t strike you as a little fucking odd? You’re a white guy, right? What’s your white name? -Huh? Nick? Nick, if your white friend said, “I’m having a baby,” and you said, “What you gonna name him?” and he said, “Jesus,” you’d be like, “What the fuck is wrong with Bill?” I just saw that picture, I just couldn’t believe it. Looking like Jeff Foxworthy. If his name was Cody Christ, I’d be like, “Maybe he looks like Jeff Foxworthy.” Nobody named Jesus looks like Jeff Foxworthy, Nick. And all his friends was named Peter and Paul and Matthew. Those are white guy names. I think Jesus had a lot of white friends. Probably why they sold him out. I think Joseph was definitely white. That’s how he knew it wasn’t his son. He’s like, “Mary, where you get this black-ass baby from?” She was like, “God? I don’t…” “It’s a miracle, yeah.” I also think Jesus… was black because they couldn’t find a place to stay. They was like, “Y’all can come in, but that n*gger baby gotta sleep in that puppy bed outside.” “Keep him in that manger over there if you… insist on having that black baby.” “I don’t trust it.” You understand what I’m saying, Nick, right? I don’t wanna be offensive. Let me know when I go too far. This shit’s being taped. All right? There’s still states I haven’t been to. I wanna make sure I can still go. -What’s your name? -Paul. Paul? What are the fucking odds? Black guy named Paul. It sounds like an improv group. A Black Guy Named Paul. It’s not offensive, is it, Paul? I’m fair game, fair game? Because I do wanna be respectful. Like I said, my family’s Christian. Very Christian. I used to go to church. Even though I didn’t buy in, I still paid attention, I still learned a lot. I did. I learned a lot about Jesus. One of my favorite things about Jesus, you ask me, Paul? I don’t know if you noticed, but Jesus… was a miracle-worker. Uh-huh! Jesus was a miracle-worker. He performed miracles. And… he studied carpentry. That’s not funny? He performed miracles… and… …studied carpentry, Paul. Paul, do you know what carpentry is? -Why the fuck would you… …study carpentry… if you can perform miracles? That’s a much less impressive skill. How many times was Jesus’s carpentry teacher like, “This table’s not level,” and he’s like, “All right, check it again, I’m Jesus”? “I could make a table out of fish if I wanted to. Do you know who you fucking with?” Also, nobody saved any of Jesus’s carpentry. Nobody? There’s no museum where I can go check that shit out? Nobody thought that shit might be valuable? “Hey, Fred, that’s a nice armoire. Where did you get it from?” “Jesus Christ.” “Heard of him? He’s that white guy with that black guy name.” Paul, I think Jesus was a shitty carpenter. I think he was bad at carpentry and they destroyed all his work because they knew we wouldn’t respect him. It’s like, “Jesus died for your sins.” “That motherfucker that sold me that three-legged table?” “I’m not following him nowhere.” What if you found out IKEA died for your sins? You’d be less… It’s not that impressive, is it? The only proof of Jesus’s carpentry is if maybe, in that Last Supper poster… he’s showing off a table he just made. Not bad! Not bad. Seats 13 on one side, huh? Who’s buying? I didn’t go too far, did I? Still with me, Paul? Good. Let me ask you one question, Paul. Think about it before you answer, don’t freak out, this is just… a question. You think when Jesus was on the cross, part of him was thinking, “This is a pretty good cross”? As a carpenter. As a guy that works with wood. As a guy that works… No? As a craftsman? “That’s some sturdy shit. Man, who built this? I’m gonna be up here a while. Three days at least.” No, never? Okay. Moving on. I’m just fucking with you, Paul. I gotta ask. I know a lot of Christians is like, “You gonna get struck by lightning.” Really? That’s what’s gonna set Jesus off? All the awful shit going on in the world, nothing’s happening about it. Meanwhile, Jesus is in the back like, “Who the fuck is making fun of my carpentry?” “I was a damn good carpenter! Oh, he gets all the lightning bolts. That’s priority number one.” I don’t know. I do wanna go to heaven. I wanna go to heaven but I wanna, like, just make it. I wanna just make it. I wanna go to heaven like I wanna catch my flight, like just… No time to spare. I want people to be like, “How the fuck did you get in?” -“Just made it!” I know, I didn’t think I was gonna make it, but I gave up that kidney and… here I am.” “Where the bitches at?” No… I definitely don’t wanna go to hell. I don’t wanna got to hell. I don’t wanna go to hell, Paul. I don’t even know how hell works. I don’t. Because there’s only one hell, right? There’s only one hell. But how do you regulate who goes to hell? Because there’s shit that was okay a long time ago that’s not okay now. And there’s shit that’s okay now that wasn’t okay a long time ago. But they all go to the same hell? That never made sense to me. You know what I’m saying? Like, that guy from the Orlando ISIS. He’s gonna go to hell. And he should. But he’s also gonna meet somebody that was alive at a time… when what he did was okay. He’s gonna go there and some dude from 500BC is gonna be like, “Why you in here, young blood?” I don’t know why they talk like that. I’m just guessing. “Young blood, why you in here?” “I killed a bunch of gay dudes.” “You can’t do that no more?” “Damn! The world is crazy!” “Well, what you in here for?” “I ate a hamburger on a Saturday.” You see what I’m saying? They’re in the same hell, though. That sound weird? Speaking of hell… Donald Trump‘s making a strong campaign for… For president, for president. Not hell. He’s making a strong campaign. You’re not gonna like this. I actually like Donald Trump, to be honest with you. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t think he should be president. I don’t think Donald Trump should be president, but I do think he’s a real shitty guy, he’s hilarious and he should be my best friend. -Is that okay? He shouldn’t be president. He shouldn’t be president. But he’s fucking funny. We gonna pretend he’s not funny? Really? If Donald Trump showed up at the after-party, I wouldn’t be like, “Urgh.” I’d be like, “Oh, shit, Donald Trump’s here!” I would be so pumped to see that guy. He shouldn’t be president. Turns out I look for different things in a best friend than I do a president. If you can believe that. Like, I think Obama was a fantastic president but I wouldn’t wanna fucking hang out with Barack Obama. If I got drunk and told Obama a dirty joke, he’d be like, “Michael, that’s not how we talk about women.” Like, “Okay, dude. All right.” Fucking guy. I don’t wanna hang out with him. I wanna hang out with a piece of shit. I’d rather hang out with George Bush. If I told George Bush a dirty joke, he’d be like, “God damn, them n*ggers funny.” “Tell Jeb.” And Clinton would be like, “I got a better one.” That’s who you wanna hang out with, right? Why are we pretending we don’t all have a Donald Trump friend? We all know that guy. We all have that shitty, over-confident, quasi-racist, orange friend. We all do. And we keep him around because he’s funny as fuck. He makes us laugh and he makes us feel better about ourselves. We just don’t want him too close to anything important. That’s the only thing. We keep him at a distance but not too close to anything that’s important. You know what it feels like, Donald Trump’s campaign? Like your shittiest friend came up to you at a bar one day like, “Yo, man, I think I could fuck your mom.” And then you found out he could. It’s not funny any more, is it? Now we gotta stop that guy or he’s gonna fuck Mommy. I don’t hate him. I’m not gonna pretend to hate him. He just shouldn’t be president. Not right now. The country’s in too rough of a point. -Never? -Never! When we’re doing really good, I think maybe we should give him a year. Just to let him fuck around, just to see what he does. You wouldn’t wanna see it, just a year of it, just to be like, “Ah…”? When we’re doing good, when it’s safe. Like when you let a baby drive a little bit, like… Not on a mountain. Not on a mountain. Just like… Like on a straight way, you just let him… “Ahhh! Okay!” No? All right, I guess I’m just more fun than you. But I agree, right now is not the time. We need too much help, man. People are out of work. This economy’s fucked up. I do agree with them there, the economy is fucked up. They say this economy’s getting better, but I don’t believe that shit. Because they’re starting to legalize marijuana everywhere. -Yeah! -Only when you’re down to your last dollar do you start thinking, “Yo, we should just start selling weed, because… I don’t know…” I don’t know how we’re gonna come up with China’s money.” They’re always trying to blame that shit on us, too, like we fucked up the economy. I was watching the news, some lady from the government was on there, she looked right in the camera and she was like, “We owe China $11 trillion.” I was like, “We?” “I don’t owe China shit.” “You owe China $11 trillion. We owe Sprint $90.” “So you must’ve been roaming. I don’t know how the fuck you…” I think Hilary Clinton will win because she’s a white lady. White women take whatever the fuck they want. They took Brooklyn. I didn’t see that shit coming. Do you know how dangerous Brooklyn used to be before white women took that shit? Brooklyn used to be the scariest place in the world, man. I was terrified of it. I used to listen to rappers sing about that shit. They were so proud. “Don’t ever come to Brooklyn, I’ll fucking kill you if you ever walk through.” I’m like, “This is a dope song but I’m never going to Brooklyn.” I was terrified of Brooklyn. All of a sudden, a bunch of rich white girls from Seattle was like, “Brooklyn’s mines now,” and then they just owned it. Just took it. Just took the scariest part of my childhood. I don’t know how the fuck they did it. I think white girls killed Biggie. I think that was phase one. I think they shot Biggie and took Brooklyn away. White women just take whatever the fuck they want, man. I’ve seen it. You know what a white girl could do? A white girl could walk up to you drunk, she’ll be drunk, just walk right up to you at a bar and just take your hat off your head… -…put it on her head… …and then just walk the fuck off with your property. And that’s… That’s just how that shit went for you. Nothing you could do about it. She needs your hat. She needs your hat to dance. White girls need hats to dance. They can’t dance without a hat. They can’t dance without a hat and they can’t dance with their mouth closed. It’s just two things they can’t do. White girls don’t close their mouth when they dance. White girls dance like they can’t believe their legs are doing it. They take your hat. They’ll just take that shit. Doesn’t matter how gangster you think you are, they’ll take that shit. Don’t matter who you are. Don’t feel bad. Anybody. You ever seen a drunk white girl dancing around in a cop’s hat? You’re like, “How the fuck did you take a cop’s hat? He’s got a gun. How did you fucking take his hat?” Only white women get away with that shit. You ever seen a drunk black dude dancing around in a cop’s hat? “It’s my birthday!” “I wanna get your hat, my boy’s getting married!” We can’t pull that off, man. Black guys can’t pull that off. We’re not that fearless. We’re a little fearless but we’re not white-girl fearless. White women are fearless. They’re not scared of shit. White women rescue pit bulls for fun. They don’t give a fuck about nothing. Do you know how dangerous a pit bull is? If I seen a pit bull walk down the street, I wouldn’t walk down that street any more. A white girl would take that pit bull home, put a sweater on it… This dog used to win tournaments, now his name’s Nicole. He’s eating vegan treats out of some white lady’s hand. If I was president, I’d have an all white girl army. That’d be my first line of defense. ISIS? Send white women. I’d build a Trader Joe’s right in the middle of Syria. I would. Put up some Prosecco fountains. Give me two summers, ISIS would be the first terror organization forced out due to rent increase. I’d do it. I’d gentrify the fuck out of ISIS. Like, “ISIS is mines now.” “I live in downtown Syria.” “Syria used to be sketchy, but now it’s pretty chill.” “I got to Soul Cycle there.” “Give me your hat, Abdul, I wanna dance.” I don’t even know if white women know that shit. Do you realize how powerful you are? You never think about that. You have the power to gentrify a neighborhood. Do you know what the fuck that means? It means you can move into the worst neighborhoods in the world and they will increase in value just because of your presence. Do you know how rich I’d have to be to gentrify a white neighborhood? Impossibly. I’d have to be impossibly rich. My neighborhood got gentrified by baristas. I’m richer than a barista. I would love that. I would love to be able to gentrify a white neighborhood. Just move in and have them start building shit that I like. Just start selling cigarettes one at a time. Put bulletproof glass in all the restaurants. A lot of white people don’t know, but that happens to black neighborhoods. They put up bulletproof glass in all our dining establishments. They feed us like they feed shark. “Ah, take that chicken. Agh!” I grew up poor. I grew up very poor. I grew up in a bad neighborhood. My mother did she best she could, man. We was broke. She was proud. She would never tell us that we was poor. She would just make it seem like our fault that we didn’t get the shit she couldn’t afford. Did anybody’s parents do that shit? I’d get a bad report card and she’d be like, “A D? Oh, you can forget about Christmas.” “It’s March! I think I got time to…” “Nope, no Christmas for you. 13 years in a row.” Like, “God damn!” Not any more. Now I’ve got a decent job. I live in a rich white neighborhood called Harlem. It’s amazing! I’ve got a black doorman. He’s so proud of me. He’s an old black man. He’s so fucking proud of me. When I walk in, he stands up and slow claps me. One single Morgan Freeman tear, like… “You did it, young brother.” I’m like, “Yeah, I made rent again. Okay. Thanks, Willy.” Remember that cat-calling video? Remember that shit that went viral? If you haven’t seen it, there was this white lady that videotaped herself… walking through Harlem for ten hours. She showed what happened. Black guys were yelling awful shit at her, like, “Hi.” “Hello.” Real nasty stuff. And, uh… I made fun of it because I’m from New York, like I said, and I remember when Harlem was Harlem and you couldn’t walk there for ten hours with a video camera… …and leave with your video camera. When she made it to the end of the video, I was like, “Wow, progress! Harlem’s gotten a lot better! White women are safe for up to ten hours. That’s amazing!” Should start buying in Harlem. I thought it was a tourism commercial. I got in trouble. I got in trouble for that shit. People were very upset. I became the poster child for cat-calling for some reason. Which is ridiculous because I’d never cat-call. I’d never cat-call. I think cat-calling is the dumbest, most humiliating thing in the world. I hate it. I don’t know who has the stomach for it, honestly. It’s really… It’s awful. Could you imagine? Do you know what it feels like to compliment a moving target? How humiliating that feels? “Ma’am, I just wanna tell you, you have the most beautiful eyes I ever… Okay.” You let that shit happen to you 10 to 15 times a day, you gonna start yelling, “Hey, titties!” too. That’s just frustrating. After a while, you just wanna know if your voice works. I don’t like cat-calling. I hate it. I don’t like the way it feels for me. I don’t like the way it makes women feel. Women, you know… are turned off by it. It’s creepy to them. It’s fucking creepy. They’ll tell you when that shit’s creepy, too. I hate to be called a creep. You ever been called a creep, Paul? Just for doing something creepy? Never? You’ve never been called a creep? You’ve never been on a train just staring at some lady’s sandals too long? Nothing creepy ever? Don’t feel bad. If you have, don’t feel bad. There’s nothing… I’m not… I’m not trying to down creeps. We need creeps. I’m not gonna pretend that creeps aren’t important. If it wasn’t for creeps, we wouldn’t know that milk is delicious. That’s not some shit you just stumble upon, all right? Some creep was standing in the farm watching some big-tittied cow walk by. He was like, “God damn!” “I don’t know about you boys, but I’m thirsty.” “I’m gonna suck that cow’s titty. Get that discharge.” That’s the creepiest motherfucker that ever lived, man. Came back to his friends with a big milk stache, like, “All right, hear me out. Just…” It’s frustrating to be called a creep because women are just as creepy as men. We just never bring that shit up. We never bring it up. To the point where you don’t even think you’re creepy. I’m serious. Women are looking at me like, “What the fuck you saying? Creepy? How so?” Women, you’re very creepy. Very. I work at a TV show and sometimes we’ll have, like, One Direction or Justin Timberlake on the show, and when they walk on stage, all the women in the audience do the same creepy shit. “Aghhh! Justin! Aghhh!” That’s weird. You’re an adult. Why are you screaming? That’s fucking creepy as hell. I can’t do that shit. If Beyonce comes out, I can’t be like, “Aghhh! Beyonce! Aghhh!” They’d taser me. They’d be like, “That creep’s gonna kill Beyonce. Get him out.” But I’m creepy. Because I watch porn on a subway. Who don’t watch porn? You watch porn, right? Nick watches porn! What’s your favorite porn category? Nick… What’s you’re favorite porn category, Nick? What kind of porn do you watch? What do you type in the box? What do you type in the search box? At least tell me that. What do you type? You gotta type something, Nick. You don’t go to a restaurant and say, “I’ll have the food.” -What do you type? -Lesbian. Lesbian? I don’t like lesbian porn. That’s the one porn I don’t like. Lesbian, really? I hate lesbian porn. For two reasons. One, I never know when it’s over. I don’t. They just… They just hug it out and we assume some shit happened. I need proof. I need proof in liquid form. Two… Two, there’s never any lesbians in it, Nick. Never. It’s just the same straight girls from straight porn. That’s how discriminated against lesbians are. They’re not even in their own porn. I don’t wanna live in a country like that, Nick. If I’m gonna watch lesbian porn, I wanna see actual lesbians. I wanna see a girl that looks like Lil Wayne have sex… …with a girl that looks like Allen Iverson. I wanna see something cool. I wanna learn a thing or two. -You know what I’m saying, Paul? You watch Christian porn or something? Instead of a blur over the genitals, it’s a fig leaf? So much tension just asking somebody what kind of porn you watch. It’s just sex, just video sex. If there was two people having sex right here, you wouldn’t be looking at me. It’s just sex. Why is that weird? If I asked you, “What’s your favorite horror movie?” nobody would bat an eye. Isn’t that crazy, that’s the way we live? As a society, that’s who we are? We can watch movies of people killing and dying and blood and gore. All that shit’s perfectly acceptable. But if I wanna watch two people make love, I gotta close my laptop because I’m disturbing the other passengers? Fuck you. Who’s really the sick one? Not me. But I’m the creep. Women watch love stories. I think that’s creepy as fuck. I don’t wanna watch two people fall in love. Urgh! I feel like I’m intruding. It’s uncomfortable. But I get it. Maybe that’s your fantasy. Maybe that’s what you wanna… Maybe you live through the characters. You’re like, “Someday that will be me, I’ll fall in love, it’ll be beautiful.” And that’s your fantasy. That’s why you watch that shit. I get it. But that’s not my fantasy, Nick. You know what’s my fantasy? I’m delivering pizza to a sorority… …and they can’t pay for it. Those are the kinds of movies I watch. I was watching a bunch of inter-racial porno for Black History Month. I wondered, who’s the first black dude in an inter-racial porno and why don’t we know his name as the bravest motherfucker in civil rights history? Do you know how dangerous that was, to fuck white women on tape in the 50s? Jackie Robinson got death threats, he just played baseball with white people. Could you imagine what that n*gga went through? He should be on every stamp. But we’re creeps. Because we watch porn. Women do creepier shit than that. Women have sex toys. You know what I’m saying? Sex… Like, toys that they have sex with. You get what I’m saying, Nick? Remember when you was a kid and you used to play with toys? They fuck their toys, dude. Adult women. And not like a whole toy dude. No, no, no. Just a severed penis toy. They fuck a severed penis toy. But we’re the creeps. I know there’s sex toys for men, but we can’t actually buy one and have it and let you find it. And then explain it. “Well, you know, it’s really hard to meet people, but…” “But a boy’s got his needs. Am I right? So I stick my dick in this rubber Pringles can. Anyhoo… You said you’re a Virgo? That’s cool. Who was… What’s Mom like?” They don’t stop there. We never make fun of them. They can fuck whatever they want, we don’t judge them, we don’t call them creeps. They go fuck all the toys, shower heads, washing machines… carrots, cucumber, we don’t give a fuck. Yeah, vegetables. You ever had a salad? They’ll fuck what goes in a salad. You get what I’m trying to say? That’s why they don’t cat-call. That’s why they don’t have to be creepy. They can fuck salad. You don’t gotta cat-call when you can fuck salad. You think if there was a vegetable that felt exactly like a vagina, we would ever talk to you? No, man, we’d be too busy farming. Every dude in here would be in overalls. Like, “When is this show over? My crop’s coming in.” “I’m growing some lesbians.” You on a date? You sure? -Are you single? -Yes. You like red lobster? Why did you nudge her? You took her side over me? Really, motherfucker? I thought we was friends, Nick. I thought me, you and Paul had a thing going, man. Thought we were gonna go to a strip club after this maybe. Me, the whitest guy I’ve ever seen and Christian Paul. We are gonna go to the strip club after this. We are. I like to go to strip clubs. The most fun I ever had at a strip club… Hustler! It was in Baltimore, Maryland. To give you an idea what these girls looked like, I walked in with $50 in singles… and walked out with $47 in singles. Good night! Thank you so much! Good night!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jim Norton: Mouthful Of Shame (2017) Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-norton-mouthful-shame-transcript/

First of all, thank you so much for doing this. I know you’re busy. I was kind of embarrassed to ask you. What do you need, exactly? Because I’m… Um, I want you to… – You’re gonna look into the camera. – Right. Get the audience really psyched up to see me, a nice introduction. Just get them really juiced to have me coming out. What about “Ladies and gentlemen, you are in the for the night of your lives. This next comedian makes Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock look like rubbish. George Carlin and Richard Pryor were shit compared to him. Please welcome the greatest comedian – Jim Norton.” Nah, it’s just too much. It’s a little over the top. Is it? Yeah, too much. Oh. Kind of hard to believe all that. Well, yeah. I was trying to big you up. So… Something a little bit less pressure-inducing. Right, okay. You don’t want pressure. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you didn’t want pressure when doing a special on Netflix that’s gonna be seen by millions of people. But you don’t want pressure. It should feel honest. – Honest? – Honest is important. Okay. Honest. Yeah, honest. “Please give it up for the dirty, disgusting, depraved little peeled turtle with AIDS, the king of cum-guzzling himself, Mr. Jim Norton.” Too honest? – Yeah? Sorry. Hey, buddy. I’ve got a favor to ask you. I’m shooting a special, and I’m looking for someone to introduce me, and I would love it to be you. You’d just kind of say something nice about me and bring me onstage. If that would… Look, I appreciate you doing this, but it just doesn’t seem like you really mean any of it. You don’t believe what I just said? Ladies and gentlemen, coming up to the stage sometime soon, in a little while, is Jim Norton. See? Right there. It’s no good. What do you mean? You don’t sound like you mean it. You’ve got to say it with conviction. You’re telling me how to deliver lines? Your goal here is to get people really happy and excited to see me. I’m an actor. I’m not a fucking magician. You don’t like the way I did that? Huh? I didn’t say I didn’t like it. Stop being so nervous. Do it again, you fucking nervous little prick. Go ahead, do it again. – Your motivation should be… My motivation? Should be… Now say it again with conviction, you ugly little slug. Your motivation should be… You dirty, nervous prick! Jimmy, come on! You can do it! Ladies and gentlemen, do me a fucking favor and please welcome Jim Norton! ♪ The world today Is such a wicked place ♪ ♪ Fighting going on Between the human race… ♪ Thank you. Thank you very much for coming. I really appreciate you being here. How about that? Robert De Niro spanked my bare ass. I was sick the day we shot that, and my whole fear, I was like, “Please, don’t shit on his hand. Don’t shit on his hand.” Look, I have a decent comedy career. I’m doing stand-up over 20 years. I’m not mainstream famous, obviously. Kevin Hart is mainstream famous. I have the type of fame where people will see me, and they kind of… Sometimes they know they’ve seen me somewhere, but they’re not sure where. It’s never attractive women. Even if they know me, they don’t say it, ’cause they’re not sure. “Did I see him on stage somewhere, or did he follow me home?” I always have that… “Did I see him on Louie or in my bushes?” But I don’t know what you know about comedians, but there’s nothing we hate more than some random guy going, “Dude, where do I know you from?” The last thing I want to say is, “I’m a comedian. Oh, don’t pick on me. I’m gonna use you in my act, buster. Come on, let’s sit down.” It’s repulsive. So, whenever someone says, “Where do I know you from,” I’ll usually go, “I think I sucked your dick. You like it down to the root, right? You like it down to the root? Two fingers in the ass, thumb on the balls. I know you. Don’t get mad, dude. I thought it was you. Maybe it was your dad. He looked like you. I apologize. Don’t get mad. You tell me, do I look familiar?” I feel so good. I’m happy to be shooting in New York. It’s nice to be back home. And I feel rested. I’m always tired. I fell asleep last night, got eight hours, had an amazing dream that Kim Kardashian was sitting on my face and just grinding. Well, but then I woke up and realized my nose was just stuffy. I like a fat ass more than a white guy is supposed to. Black guys are supposed to like fat asses, but I really like a big, fat ass. But I tend to date small women. So, it’s awful when I see a big, fat ass if I’m with a small girl, and they’re like, “That’s disgusting.” Then I have to kind of sell out. “Yeah, it’s terrible. Oh, that would feel awful, those birthing hips. I’d hate to hold onto those and slide in. Ugh! Oh, her pussy would probably grip you like the mouth in Aliens. Oh, disgusting! How awful, that soft flesh bouncing back against you. I like your skeletal hips. That’s what I like, your skeletal… Ass like a leukemia patient. That’s what turns me on. Oh, I love it when you turn around and go…” I got into a fight recently. I don’t fight a lot. I’m not a big guy, so I really don’t fight very much. But I have a big mouth. I won my fight, though. I actually won the fight that I got into. It was a guy. He was a little drunk, I think. He was in a store, and I just overheard him, and I couldn’t help myself. He had a fedora on. And he’s talking to the salesgirl, and he’s like, “What do you think I should wear with this?” And I said, “A rope.” Which is actually very sound fashion advice. But he grabbed my shirt. That’s why I think he was drunk. He grabbed my shirt, and he’s like, “What did you say?” And I was like, “I’m gonna cum.” Then he gave up immediately. Too late, unfortunately. Guys are so homophobic. It’s really funny to me. We use a homophobic thing to make each other uncomfortable, to dominate each other when we’re growing up. You remember ten or 11 years old, you’d be sitting at your friend’s house, watching TV in the living room, and then he’d just walk in out of nowhere and start humping the side of your face? Remember? I still do shit like that. It’s still fun to fuck with your friends. I walked into a public restroom, and a buddy of mine was at the urinal, and you gotta do something when your friend’s at the urinal. You just gotta fuck with him a little bit. He didn’t hear me walk in, so I snuck up behind him very quietly and I stood about an inch behind him, and then I put my mouth right behind his neck hair, and I just went… “Hey!” And he freaked out, and it wasn’t my friend. Yet. Do you know how hard that is to explain to a stranger, why you just spoke onto his neck? Oh, man. I feel great. I feel really, really good. Life has just been good lately. And it’s so funny, ’cause you find things you like as you get older. I’m in my 40’s now, so you find shit that makes you feel good. Like, I have a hatred of somebody telling me a story, and at one point in the story, you know how they ask you to guess at part of… It’s usually because the story is shit, and they think that your guess will propel their story into interesting. They’ll say, “Guess how many?” Then you guess the number, and then they tell you the real number, and you’re like, “Holy shit! I should’ve guessed…” I’ve begun over-guessing on purpose just to totally destroy the momentum of the story. Once you do it, you’ll never not do it. And I know I’m a piece of shit for robbing little victories from all my friends. Fuck them. Their stories are terrible. My manager Jonathan… I love him, but he does this to me all the time. He bought a watch, and he paid 1,500 bucks for the watch. And if he had just said, “I paid 1,500 for this watch, but it’s worth 2,000,” I would’ve been impressed. I would’ve been like, “Oh, cool, you saved 500 bucks.” But he tried to have, like, a “holy shit” moment with it. He’s like, “Dude, I paid 1,500 for this watch. Guess how much it’s worth.” “I don’t know. A hundred-and-thirty-thousand?” And I’m still giddy at the memory of that stupid fucking smile melting off his face. ‘Cause now his real number has no impact whatsoever. Like, I guessed 130,000. He can’t go, “No. 2,000.” “Oh, hey, that’s a heck of a savings, too!” Fucking shoot yourself. Your story was terrible. And I started doing it… It’s weird. I begun… The joy of over-guessing, I discovered by accident. I was trying to do the right thing. A friend of mine is really fat. Wouldn’t it be great if I just left it right there? “A friend of mine is fat” and moved on to something else. Like, that was just me talking to him. “You know who you are.” A friend of mine is really fat. He started losing weight, which was great, but instead of just letting somebody notice it, he told us that he lost weight, which was kind of awkward ’cause it wasn’t really noticeable yet. He’s like, “Dude, I lost some weight.” In my mind, I’m like, “Allegedly.” I didn’t see evidence of that at all. But then he puts me on the spot. He’s like, “Guess how many pounds.” And I don’t want to be a scumbag. “Uh, point…” So, in an effort to be nice, I over-guessed. I was like, “50?” He was like, “No. Six.” And I realized that by over-guessing, I had totally robbed him of that moment and made him feel horrible. And it made me so fucking happy. I feel so good. I don’t know how to handle feeling… I don’t know how to live feeling good. I’m so not used to it. I go through my depression, though, like everybody else. I go through my feeling like shit. You ever get suicidal thoughts? Anybody? Oh, yeah. That was a very fast… Whenever you say “suicidal thoughts,” you never want the answer to be that quick. “Yes!” Hope you’re not on a first date. That’s the wrong time. “I’ve wanted to kill myself and everyone else in the theater.” Oh, good. That’s… But it’s weird how sneaky it is and how it hits you out of nowhere. You’re not prepared for it. Things are great, then all of a sudden, your voice, like… “You forgot to hang yourself.” “What?” I’m not trying to bum everybody out. It goes away in six months. And I don’t want to kill myself, but I’ve kind of come to a peaceful conclusion, that if I ever do decide to kill myself, I’m gonna go out in style. And before I do it, I want to write a note blaming someone I hardly know. How hilarious would that be, just to wreck somebody’s life for no reason whatsoever? But it’s got to be totally random. Pick some guy at work you’ve talked to once in eight years. Not even a guy from your department. Just make it, you know… “Murray in Human Resources will know what this is about.” And fucking hang yourself. For the rest of his life, Murray will be all fucked up and socially awkward. “I don’t know. I said hi to the guy once in 2014.” I’m a terrible liar. I’m a very, very bad liar. And I wish I was better, ’cause it’s hard for me to be good in relationships. So, the fact is, I just give myself away when I’m lying. I always feel like it’s obvious. Some guys are literally masters of lying. Your girl could walk in and catch you fucking one of her friends. “What are you doing?” “She fell, baby. I was picking her up.” Just so smooth. And I admire your ability to do that, because I just… my eyes get wide. I sound like an actor from the 1940s if I’m texting the wrong person. “Who is that?” “It’s a buddy, see? Ahh.” Fucking throw the phone into the tub. “Nothing to see there, chum. Ahh.” Have you ever been such a bad liar that you try to lie by just telling the truth with a sarcastic inflection in your voice, ’cause it feels less like a lie? Like, if your girlfriend knows you cheated on her. “Did you have sex with her?” “Yeah! Oh, yeah, yeah. I fucked her twice while you were in the hospital.” That reads pretty honest in a transcript. My ex-girlfriend caught me. I got busted so badly. Has anybody ever gotten busted talking to someone you shouldn’t be? Because it’s in black-and-white… Here’s what it was. One morning, I was having a nasty conversation with a girl, who I had met one time. And that’s what we do now in the digital era. You talk to people who you probably wouldn’t talk to before, because you can just do it on your cell phone. And it was one of those three-hour, lathered-up, fucking filthy… I was offering her $500 to come over and stick her feet in my mouth. Which, you know, obviously, I would never do that. Three-fifty is the cutoff for foot worship. Everybody knows that. But I was talking to this girl Maria. And again, we’d never hung out. We’d only met one time. But it was a three-hour… I was so finished. I just jerked off and fell asleep. I didn’t even clean up until the next morning. Literally, I sounded like a Fruit Roll-Up when I was pulling my… This is 2011. I remember this like it was yesterday, ’cause my girlfriend at the time walked into the bedroom, and she goes, “Get up, Jim.” You know how you know you’re fucked for some… The tone of voice implies this is not gonna be great news. “Get up, Jim.” I’m like, “What?” I don’t know why that was my impression of myself waking up. “Wha…” I don’t talk like that. See, I overact, even in real life. “Wha…” I’m like, “What?” And she says, “I know about your fucking conversation with Maria last night.” And I’m a little freaked out, but I look over, and my phone is exactly where I left it the night before. I’m like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She’s like, “$500 to lick her feet, you piece of shit?” So, now I know she knows. Either that or she’s an amazing guesser. But I wish I would’ve improv’d that line I did before: “Hey, I wouldn’t go over 350 for foot worship.” Ha ha! Elbowed her. Ohh, we’d have made love. But I knew I was caught somehow. I didn’t know how she knew. But you know how it is when you get caught. I’m just like, “I’m sorry. I’m a sex addict. I don’t know.” There’s no way to fish for information when you’re trying to save your relationship. I couldn’t go, “Baby, I love you. How did you know, for future reference?” Here’s how she knew. She told me how she knew. ‘Cause none of us are as smart as we think we are. None of us understand the technology as well as we think we do. And we’re all on Wi-Fi, and all the devices are connected. And I was in this chat, and I’m lathered up. I only have one hand to use on the phone, obviously. I hit the wrong button and I printed the entire conversation in the living room… a seven-page PDF file. Clear, too, ’cause I’d just put in fresh ink. It was very readable. And by a terrible coincidence, she needed the printer the next morning, ’cause she was taking a college course at the time. She was very advanced for her age. So, she takes this conversation out of the printer, and the paper she wrote, and she heads off to class with this. And this is absolutely the truth. Thank God she didn’t hand it in. ‘Cause she was crazy. I firmly believe she would’ve woken me up by putting a knife in my stomach. She would not have been… But it would’ve been a funnier joke. There’s no funny part. It would’ve been a much cleverer joke if she had handed it in, and I would’ve… “I got an A. She got a C. Hey-oh!” The truth itself is not funny. It’s just sad. The way it played out was she read the text, and she felt really betrayed, and she cried. You know? That’s what I’ll do. I’ll jazz it up with one of those. “Got a lot of…” you know? But I kind of regret it. You’ve got to be so careful what you say and what you put in text, because this day and age, anything you do can fucking ruin your life. You’ve got to be so scared of every text you send, every dirty picture you send, everything you put on Snapchat. I mean, I’ll tell you who has struck a blow for privacy. Hulk Hogan did more for privacy than any shitty politician has done in the last ten years ’cause he sued Gawker out of existence. And that was a very big thing. You guys know the story. Hulk was fucking that woman. He did not know he was being filmed. And Gawker, I guess, put a link to it up, and he says it ruined his life. I think there was racist language or something. I guess at the time, Brooke was dating a black guy, and I guess Hulk was none too pleased. And apparently he said the word “n i g g e r” so many times that Dog the Bounty Hunter hung up on him. So, WWE fired him, and he said it ruined his life. But I’ll be honest. I’m a bigger Hulk Hogan fan now than I’ve never been. Did you see the cock on Hulk Hogan? I ran out and bought a little yellow headband. I’m a Hulkamaniac. Jesus Christ. I never understood why that stupid leg drop was such an effective finishing move. But now I’m just amazed nobody was killed with that Civil War cannon strapped to his leg. “I’m gonna rip your asshole apart, brother!” Thank you. That’s my Hulk Hogan. That’s what you do when you can’t do an impression as a comedian. You just jazz it up by moving funny. You like Christopher Walken? “Oh! You know, my watch. Ow!” You name a person, I’ll do him. I don’t care. I do good. I thought you were gonna name somebody. Okay. Oprah! Oprah? Worst guess ever. You got to watch it. I was bummed I fucked up that relationship, because that girl, she was dirty, man. She would, like, lick my ass. She was a trooper. Every guy likes their ass eaten. Let’s not pretend that I’m the only one who likes their ass licked. Here’s why that did not get the rousing round of applause that ass-eating does deserve. Literally… No, you don’t have to do it now. But whenever someone mentions ass-eating, here’s what people ought to do: “Hold on. Let me put my drink down and applaud for the idea of ass-eating.” No, no, no. Hey. Easy. She would eat my ass, and she would… Look, here’s the thing with getting your ass licked. It’s… It’s embarrassing to ask for. There’s nothing worse than asking for something and having a girl go, “No.” Then you’re ashamed of liking it. If you want a girl to suck your dick, you might go, “Come on, suck my dick.” And if she says no, then you can kind of coax her a little bit. Like, “Come on, suck my dick. Eh? How about it?” But it’s embarrassing if you’re like, “Come on, just lick my ass a little bit.” “No.” “Come on, what are you doing? Just get back there and eat it. Part the hair with a comb and slam your face in there. What are you doing? You’re gonna feel like you’re kissing the scalp of a marathon runner. Get in there, you silly goose.” So, you gotta kind of hint at it. ‘Cause you can’t be ashamed about something if you’re hinting. So, say your girlfriend is sucking your dick, and she pops it out and she’s, like, licking the back. Exaggeration, obviously. What do you want, truth in comedy? All right, so, she’s licking the… “What is he doing? Is he sealing an envelope or rolling a joint? I don’t understand.” But if you hint at something, there’s no shame in it ’cause they can’t reject it. So, if your girlfriend is giving you head, you start raising your hips… just a little bit. And moaning. Get a little help, like… Your balls will slowly drag over her face like a street sweeper. Then they’re finally just sitting on her forehead. She looks like Tiberius Caesar. She’s like, “All right, I get it. You want your ass licked. Got it.” And then they always do that little tester lick on your asshole. Just a little… You ever lick an asshole? It’s like testing a battery. And I’m gonna brag a little. My asshole passes with flying colors. My asshole is like two immaculate, hairless peach halves. And that’s exactly how I describe it on PlentyOfFish. “Two immaculate, hairless peach halves, just meant for nuzzling.” But I’m a dirty guy. I’m a dirty person. And it’s funny. My whole career… for those of you who are familiar with me… I’ve always said, “I’m a pervert.” But I’m not a pervert. ‘Cause a pervert implies you like a victim, or you like tricking people. And I realized that recently. I don’t like anybody vulnerable in sex. I don’t like drunk girls. I don’t like underage girls. I don’t have sex with children. And I don’t why more men don’t talk about that. That’s my best quality. I don’t like virgins. I don’t like women who’ve only been with a couple of guys, ’cause then it means too much to them, and I know I’m kind of a piece of shit. So, I don’t want a girl to look at me with puppy love, just kissing it like, “You’re so special. Do you love me, too? Oh, my God. I’m so happy.” I want a girl to look at my dick and go, “Ugh, I wish it was black,” and then blow a snot rocket on it. Jared Fogle is a pervert. How do you fuck up the Subway endorsement? Jared’s whole job was to hold up those big, fat-fuck pants. That was his job. Don’t get fat, don’t fuck kids. How hard is that? I could do that in my sleep. If you just it say to yourself on the way out the door… “Don’t get fat and don’t fuck kids. Don’t get fat… don’t fuck kids. Don’t get fat, don’t fuck kids.” But it’s amazing how many people… you realize their sexual behavior is so fucked up. Obviously, Cosby. I love his new excuse now. “I couldn’t have committed those rapes. I’m blind now.” Oh, that’s how it works. And I feel really bad for his wife, Nelson Mandela. Jesus. But you knew Cosby was guilty when Oprah… Oprah. You got me on fucking Oprah. You knew Cosby was guilty when Whoopi Goldberg stopped defending him. Whoopi defended him for years, and then finally she had to… But first of all, what happened to Whoopi Goldberg? She looks like KRS-One now. What the fuck happened to her? And a lot of those women… Here’s what tells you that he did it. A lot of those women were in their 70s, and 70-year-old women just don’t lie about rape. I’m not saying that young women are liars, but women that old don’t ever talk about sex. They don’t lie about sex. Seventy-year-old women lie about other shit. “My grandson called.” “Fuck you, liar. No, he didn’t. It was a wrong number, and you kept him on the phone for an hour and a half. You lying old bag!” But you try to find something good in everything. And the wonderful thing about that relationship ending was that it forced me to start working out ’cause I knew I was gonna have to meet women again. And I lost a lot of weight. Has anybody lost weight in the last few years? How much weight did you lose? I lost 100 pounds. I lost 100 pounds. What? You lost 100 pounds? Jeez. What, did you drown your girlfriend? What happened? – How’d you lose 100 pounds? – I don’t work out. I just… You don’t work out? Come on. You mean that’s natural? That’s like me saying, “I don’t play center for the Lakers.” No shit, stupid. When you start losing weight, here’s the thing. A hundred pounds, congratulations. That’s awesome. Oh, yeah. Give him a hand. The weird thing is, I lost about 30 pounds over the years, and when you start losing weight, the first five or six or ten pounds, people are like, “Wow, you look great.” But after you lose, like, 15 pounds, people don’t know how to respond. Twenty pounds, they’re like, “Uh… have you been dieting, or did Charlie Sheen bleed in your mouth?” Is it okay to joke about Charlie? Was anybody shocked when he announced he was HIV-positive? No. I like Charlie Sheen, but that’s how you know you’ve lived a pretty AIDSy life… when you’re that famous and you’re like, “I’m HIV-positive,” and the whole country is like, “Well, yeah, I hope so.” For Pete’s sake. I gotta be honest. Charlie’s HIV diagnosis really scared me. It really shook me because… I don’t know Charlie. We’ve never met, never hung out. But it just kind of rocked me, and I started thinking about my sexual behavior. Even though we’ve never met, Charlie and I have had sex with, I think, four of the same people. And there’s only one I can mention publicly because she and I have discussed it publicly, and I don’t ever want to out people. But for many years on the radio, we would interview Bree Olson. Bree would come in. If you don’t know Bree, she’s a beautiful blond porn star. She’s fun. She’s really sexy, and whenever she was on our show, she’d always flirt with me. She’d always be like, “I like you. You’re really cute.” And I was always like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” ‘Cause I thought she was just doing it for the radio. She’s probably thinking, “This guy is blowing me off,” but meanwhile, I just have no self-esteem. I’m just like, “Oh, come on.” She thinks I’m too cool for the room. Meanwhile, I feel like the Elephant Man when he has the tuxedo on in front of British high society. “Everybody’s been so kind!” But one day, her publicist says to me, “No, Bree actually likes you. She’s not joking.” And whatever cool, detached attitude I had built up evaporated. I was at Bree’s hotel in less than an hour. Like, really… “Hi!” This close to the fucking, you know… peephole. You think my face is unpleasant now? Look at it through the hole. It’s just a fucking… stupid half a moon. And we fucked. And I gotta be honest. It’s one of the most earthshattering sexual experiences I’ve ever had. It was beautiful. And I don’t think that she enjoyed it as much… ’cause she would never do it again. I tried for years to make it happen again. I would text her, “What are you doing?” She’d write back, “Anything but fucking you.” It just was… I think I blew it. Let me ask you, is it a turn-off to say “I love you” too quickly? All right, let me ask the women. Is it a turn-off if the first time you fuck a guy, as he’s putting it in, he’s mumbling, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” and crying onto your face? Is that a turn-off? And I was talking to a buddy of mine. He was like, “Did you wear a condom?” I’m like, “What a cute question. No, stupid. I didn’t. When you’re getting into a Lamborghini, you don’t put on a body bag, do you?” I wouldn’t have worn a condom if I looked into her pussy and saw Magic Johnson waving up at me. So, then, you fast-forward. We have sex. She goes out to LA. She dates Charlie Sheen at one point. Then all of a sudden, Charlie comes out and announces he’s HIV-positive. So, I just backtracked a little bit. I’m like, “Oh, no, did I get the whole ball rolling? Oh, no, I gave AIDS to the guy from Platoon. I’m a piece of shit.” But luckily, Bree Olson has been tested multiple times. She does not have HIV. She is totally negative, which means I’m HIV-negative. Yeah, that’s how I take an AIDS test. I’m too freaked out to go to the doctor, so I just fuck a girl and then see her in a year, and, you know… “Hey, how are you?” “I’m great.” “Makes two of us.” She had the strength to smile. That’s six more months of no rubbers for the kid. And it’s hard for me to meet people, to be really honest with you, because I’ve talked about myself so much publicly. People know so many things about me, and none of it’s a secret. Anybody familiar with me knows I like transgender girls. That’s not new information. And if it is, well, now you have it. But it’s so funny. The whole country is, like, trans-crazy, and we’re really obsessed with it, and it’s so funny how when the new thing happens or becomes in the lexicon, you can’t joke about it on TV. I tried to do a Caitlyn Jenner joke, and the network said, “Oh, no transition jokes.” I’m like, “It’s not even a mean joke.” They’re like, “Yeah, but we just don’t like it. They’ve been marginalized.” I’m like, “Look, just ’cause you’ve been marginalized doesn’t mean that you’re removed from the humor spectrum like everybody else.” It wasn’t even a mean joke. First of all, the network canceled her reality show. How shitty is your reality show when you were on a Wheaties box, you’re now a woman, you were a Kardashian, you killed somebody driving, and the network goes, “It’s boring. There’s nothing happening to talk about”? And I think Hollywood means well. Their hearts are in the right place. But it’s a little bit phony. Some of it is just a little bit fake. You know how they can’t talk about Caitlyn without saying how beautiful she is? “Have you seen how beautiful Caitlyn is?” No. She looks like the gypsy from Thinner. But it’s so funny. Not one of these freethinking, progressive celebrities who always use the right pronoun, not one of them has admitted to having sex with a transgender girl, to watching trans porn, to being attracted to trans women. Not one of them. That’s being supportive. Don’t tell me what words to use. You want to support a young lady? You lift her skirt, you suck her cock. That’s how you say, “I’m with you.” Don’t tell me what to joke about until you’ve laid in bed with a sore asshole, mumbling, “Who am I?” You ever brush your teeth and scream “f a g g o t” in the mirror for a half hour? I have. And I know why they won’t talk about it. I know why they won’t admit it. ‘Cause they don’t know if it makes you gay. “If I have sex with a trans girl, does that make…” It does not make you gay to have sex with a trans girl. But even if it did, I would tell you. I wouldn’t care. But I understand why certain people think it does. We can’t be so pro-trans or politically correct that we forget that differing opinions are gonna pop up. An open and honest conversation doesn’t mean that you just shut down somebody when they say unpleasant shit. I get why some guys think it’s gay. But it’s just not. Until you’ve done it… Like, when you kiss, it’s a feminine energy. It’s not a masculine energy, or it wouldn’t turn me on. The breasts are normally fake, but so what? Every stripper I ever fell in love with had fake tits. That never turned me off. I never threw a girl out of the Champagne Room. “Beat it with your augmented bosoms, madam!” You know, then the skirt comes up. All right. It’s a large clitoris. But what, am I gonna be rude to my guest? Get over here. Just look at the breasts, that’s all. If you’re new to the game, look at the breasts. “Oh, I love her so much. I love her.” If it’s your first time at the rodeo, don’t look at the feet. That’ll put the whammy on you. “Oh, no, those feet scored 13 points in the fourth quarter. I’m fucking gay.” And it’s funny, too… I’ve talked to a lot of trans girls about… One girl told me that, just to feel feminine as a kid, she used to wear her mother’s underwear. Whew. That one affected me. I mean, your mother’s underpants. I don’t care what gender you are. Is there a worse item in the house… than your mother’s underpants? I wouldn’t touch my mother’s underpants if she was hanging off a bridge by her underpants. I’d probably just blow her a kiss and then step on her fucking fingers. Did you ever see your mom’s panties on the floor? You gotta take a stick and knock them under the dresser. Can you imagine putting those on? I’d rather wear my father’s used condom on my nose like an aardvark. I saw one pair of my mom’s panties when I was a kid. Thank God they weren’t sexy at all. I feel bad for any kid that has the hot mom who all his friends want to fuck. We all had that one friend, everyone wanted to fuck his mother. And that’s gotta be awful to find your mom’s panties, and it’s just a pair of boy shorts with a little arrow in the back. Like, “Ugh. Oh, no. Mom’s a three-holer.” My mom’s panties were awful. They started at the middle of the chest. They ended right above the knee. It looked like an androgynous bathing suit on Boardwalk Empire. That’s what you want your mother… If you see your mother in her panties, you want to start thinking, “♪ Hello, my ragtime gal ♪” You don’t want to think about your parents sexually at all. You know your parents fuck because we’re all alive, so we’re evidence of it. But my parents told me, like, when I asked about it, they said, “We just made love because we wanted to create you and we wanted to create your sister Tracy. That’s the only reason.” So, they made it look like it was purely something they suffered through to make me. That’s how all of you look at your parents. You don’t even want to think about your mother kind of drunk on the bed going, “Come on, hurry up!” And your father going, “You’re not even wet yet!” And her going, “That’s my asshole, stupid!” And he’s not hard. He’s got paintbrush dick. You don’t want to think about your father with paintbrush dick. Looks like a snail trying to break into an aquarium. You don’t want to picture your mother going, “Hold on. Hurry up.” I’ll give you all a second to insert your parents into that thought, like I have to do every time I tell that fucking stupid joke. But it’s so funny how we just don’t think of them that way. And I grew up in a pretty conservative… I don’t know how I turned into such a monster growing up in a conservative house. Did anybody have kind of open-minded parents who would talk to you about sex? Anybody have parents like that? – Yes. – Who said “yes”? You’re nodding. How old were you when your parents talked to you about sex? – Thirteen. – Thirteen? – They broke it to me hard. – They broke it to you hard? How’d they break it to you? They just straight up told me, “This is how this happens. There you are.” They straight up told you, “This is how this happens, and there you are.” And when you were 13, you didn’t know… Oh, no, what else did they tell you? “And we’re the ones who put the gifts under the tree.” Did you ever catch them having sex? Anybody ever catch your parents? Oh, I did. – There’s always a couple. – I did. – Who’s the woman who said, “I did”? – I did. Hello, miss. – They talked about it to me… – Hold on, miss. You’re panicking. I feel like… She’s been waiting 30 years for someone to ask her, “Did they ever talk to you about it?” Hold on. How old were you when you saw them? I tried to block it out. Are you trying to block it… I’m just asking in general. About how old? I don’t know. I would assume, like, ten or so. About ten. What were you doing at the time? – Were you in the house? – Yeah, I had a bad dream. – I walked into their room. – You had a bad dream. Oh, Christ. Then you walked into a nightmare. That’s nice. That’s the last thing you need after a bad dream. “Oh, I dreamt there was a ghost under my bed. Oh, terrific.” Now, you walked in. – Were they in the bedroom? – Yeah. – Did they know that you saw them? – Yeah. Yes, they did. Did they talk to you about it after? It was obvious. No, my dad asked me if I wanted hot chocolate. Your dad asked if you wanted hot chocolate. Oh, no. They were having anal. Oh, no. Well, that’s what you need after you catch your parents fucking. “Aah!” “Let’s have a cocoa.” Now, okay, so you had hot chocolate, and they told you about what happened and what it was? No. Like, my parents… I knew what it was when I walked in. You knew what it was when you walked in. Some people just don’t talk about it. It’s just no eye contact at the breakfast table until you’re 18. Like, “You want milk for your Cheerios?” “No, I’ll just fucking cut it with a fork and knife.” I know you kind of don’t want to think about it. I understand. What position… were they in? It depends, is this gonna be aired? Are they gonna know? Is it gonna be aired? No! No! No. No. Why would we air it on a Netflix special? Wow. Somebody’s not very observant. What did you think that was? Did you think that was LeBron James’ arm taking a selfie? Yeah, so, we don’t know who you are, we don’t know who your parents are. What position? – Oh, you’re really waiting for… – I’m really waiting. Of course I am. Please. You think that thing just jumped up for no reason? It’s not dripping down my leg for nothing, sweetie. – I don’t know. Just, like, regular. Regular. Missionary. Okay, cool. Were Mom’s legs wrapped around Dad? Like, was she trying to keep in that seed? Or were the legs wide open ’cause Dad was drilling that pussy… so hard that her legs just shot open? Thank you very much for sharing that with us. It’s funny, people’s reaction when they catch their parents. I’ve never caught my parents, thank God, but you kind of know when they’re doing something. I would always know my parents were doing something ’cause it’d be in the middle of the afternoon and the bedroom door would be closed, and then you’d just hear, like… And then the telltale… of the Polaroid. And you knew they were almost finished as it started getting faster. And then you’d hear, “My eye burns!” Then your mom and three of your dad’s coworkers would walk out of the bedroom. But some people… Like, we talked, some parents… some parents are just open-minded, and they’re more liberal about it. My buddy Scott knew where his mother’s dildo collection was. And we did not handle that information responsibly. As ten-year-old kids, as soon as his parents left the house, we would grab the dildos, start sword-fighting with them. We’d try to chase him and shove them in his mouth. I got one shoved in my mouth. I had to pretend I didn’t like it. “Cut it out, guys!” We used to throw them at his cat… which I wouldn’t do now, but in 1979, that was Xbox. That was all we had. And I wish I had an iPhone back then. What a great video that would’ve been, just a cat under a sofa with its ears back, hissing at a pile of dildos. And his mother must’ve wondered why all her dildos had scratch marks and cat hair on them. She’d probably grab the cat and smack his face. “What were you doing with my dildos?” I don’t know if my mother has dildos to this day. I’m in my 40s. I have no idea. When my parents die, I’m not going through their shit. I’m just going to take the dresser and kick it into the front yard. Let the homeless people take whatever they want. Maybe I’ll look out the window and see a homeless guy running away with what is hopefully a small white dildo. That’s all you can hope for. You definitely don’t want to see one of those over-the-shoulder jobs. Bouncing in the front and the back. With two heads on it. “Oh, Mom.” Or “Oh, Mom and Dad. Ohh. Oh, no. Mom and Dad were bookending.” Yeah, they were pretty normal people. And I turned into such a dirtbag and a dirty guy, and I just… I don’t know. I was always kind of antisocial. You ever look back at your life and realize, “Wow, I was a fucking antisocial human being.” When I was 13, I used to drink with my friends. I stopped when I was very young, but for the few years I did it, I was a weirdo. Like, a real weirdo. We used to get drunk at my friend’s house, and I wouldn’t do fun drunk stuff. I used to get drunk and then just go into his family’s bathroom and urinate all over the sink handles and, like, on the toothbrushes and in the soap dish. And here’s the psychotic part. I wouldn’t even tell my other friends I had done it. When you’re that young, no matter what you do to make your friends laugh is okay. But I didn’t tell my friends. I just kind of sat there, just smirking like a fucking serial killer, just thinking of his family washing their face with my piss soap. Like, what a fucking creep. And I’ve talked about this before on the air. The cat… I would always take the cat, and I would unroll his father’s newspaper and scoop all the cat shit out of the litterbox and put it in the newspaper and then carefully roll it back up and put it on the coffee table. And to this day, I still think I’m kind of a genius for having done that. But I never got to see the results of it. Like, if I had a time machine and I could only use it once, I wouldn’t save Jesus. I wouldn’t stop World War II. I’d go back to North Brunswick, New Jersey, in 1979 just to watch that man open his newspaper and see his face as animal shit fell on his lap. You know how many times that cat probably got beaten with a shoe? And the cat can’t articulate. “Really? You think I took my own shit and put it in a newspaper and rolled it up carefully like I’m fucking hosting a cat prank show, you dummy?” You ever have memories come flooding back? That happens sometimes, too. I blocked a lot of shit out when I was young. And this one is not even traumatic. It was just weird. I was with my friend, and we were stealing Star Wars figures. They were the original Star Wars figures. Remember them? They were, like, four inches tall, and some of them are worth thousands of dollars today because they’re ultra-rare. So, it was one of my best friends. He was a really good dude. He had a huge dick. And we’re in a department… I’m saying that for a reason. I’m not just throwing… That would be great if I didn’t go back to it for any reason. “Did he elaborate on his friend’s dick?” “No, he just threw it out there and smiled.” He was just the guy that we all knew had a huge dick. So, we had on shorts and tank tops, so we couldn’t put stuff down our shorts. So, we were taking the action figures out of the package and kind of walking up to the front of the store and hiding them, and at the end of the day, we were gonna scoop a bunch and just run out the door. So, security sees us at one point, takes us downstairs. And he says, “What the fuck are you guys doing?!” We’re like, “We didn’t do anything.” And then he looks at the bulge in my friend’s pants, and he goes, “What have you got in there?” Again, I knew my friend had a big dick, so it didn’t surprise me that the security guard thought he had a couple of Chewbaccas and a Vader. I got it. He looked at my shorts and knew there were no stolen figures. Maybe a Yoda. So, my friend’s like, “I don’t have anything.” And the security guard goes, “Let me see.” So, my friend pulls his shorts aside, and this gift of a cock rolls out. Have you ever seen a cock roll out? It was like watching time-lapse photography of a flower. It was like watching a cinnamon bun in reverse, on how it’s made. It actually made, like, a little noise. I’m trying to remember the noise it made when it hit the chair, ’cause it was a plastic chair. Have you heard a ham dropped on linoleum? And it’s a surreal moment in my childhood. We were all just kind of looking at my friend’s big stupid dick. And then the security guard looks at me, and he goes, “Wait outside.” Sends me outside. So, I’m outside the security office 15 minutes. He comes out, puts his head out the door, doesn’t even open it all the way. He goes, “All right, I’ve decided not to call your mother. Now get the fuck out of here and don’t come back. I gotta talk to your friend for a while.” And he closes the door. I walk out that side door. I wipe it from my memory. Something sparks it this year, and the whole day comes flooding back, and I’m like, “Oh, no. Oh, you idiot. You never got the rest of those Star Wars figures.” Thousands of dollars’ worth of merchandise. And I never would’ve got caught ’cause the security guard was busy choking on my friend’s giant dick. So, that’s the type of stuff I talk about, and I wonder why I can’t find a gal. I wouldn’t mind a girlfriend at this point. I really have been single for five years, and at this point, I don’t even know where to go to meet women. I sincerely don’t. I don’t know what women want. We all think we know. You know, dressing a certain way. Obviously, I’m not a great dresser. Do you like my shoes, by the way? Yeah! Yeah. I mean, someone told me these Yeezys are fake. I don’t think they’re fake, ’cause if they are, somebody owes me 20 bucks. I don’t even what women want. What do women… I’ll ask you as women, what is it you look for in a guy? – Humor. – Humor. Okay. I’ll address this myth. I think women think they’re supposed to say “humor.” “I love a funny guy.” No, you don’t. No, you don’t. ‘Cause if you asked me, “What kind of women do you like?” I’ll be like, “Intelligent.” It’s nice, but it’s not number one on the list. Believe me, if you have fat enough nipples, I don’t care if you eat paint chips for breakfast… and fucking bang your head into a screen door like Rain Man when the toast is burning. But sense of humor… Like, I’m a funny guy. Being a funny guy has never, ever helped me get laid. Here’s the only time that being funny has helped me get laid: When a woman’s only other option is a guy who looks like me who isn’t funny. Then it will kind of get you the nod. Like, “All right.” It’s never enthusiastic. Like, “Oh, my God. You’re really…” It’s always a kind of a default. It’s never overcome good looks. No one’s ever looked at me and went, “Ah, I don’t know. That guy’s six-foot-three. He’s got a great body. He’s a triathlete. But the little fella… his anecdotes will have me in stitches the entire evening. Come on, big boy. Slam your face into my pussy and do some knock-knock jokes.” And I’m a good guy to date ’cause I’m a dirty guy. I figure women would like a guy like me. Like, I love giving oral sex to women more than I like anything. And I like… I mean, immediately. I go right down there. And I like things on women that you don’t even like on yourselves. Every special, I talk about liking a bigger pussy. I like an untraditional vagina. A cock. No, I’m kidding. I like the type of vagina that a woman is self-conscious about. You remember in high school, if you had to keep your crotch in the locker ’cause all the other girls were cruel and they’d walk by… “Hey, it’s Big Pussy McGillicuddy” or whatever they’d say. And I’ve learned a lot about what’s sexy and what’s not sexy. Don’t talk when you’re going down on a woman. There’s nothing sexy you’re gonna say when you’re giving her head. If a girl’s going down on you and she’s like, “I love sucking your cock,” that’s kind of sexy to hear. But there’s nothing you’re gonna say when you’re going down on a woman that’s gonna make her happier than what you’re doing. I had a girl tell me that one time her boyfriend was eating her pussy, and he stopped, and he looked up and he went, “Mmm. You taste scrumptious.” It’s actually sexier when you’re eating pussy if you look up and go, “ISIS beheads people.” I hate using my fingers. That’s the only thing I don’t like, when a girl’s like, “Put your fingers in me.” ‘Cause I have little hands, and every time I put my fingers in, I never quite get to where… I just barely can touch the bottom of the G-spot. And they’re always like, “A little deeper.” “But the webbing.” I gotta take my left arm and push the right one. And one of my closest friends was Patrice O’Neal. You know Patrice. And it’s funny. Patrice would annoy me, ’cause he would always brag about how great he was at finger-popping. But Patrice would always brag about finger-popping, and I watched him one time in Brazil make a girl squirt using his fingers. ‘Cause Patrice had fingers like ballerina legs. I was in one bed with my girl. He was in one with his. And he was like, whap, whap, whap, and she would squirt. And then my girl is squirting, but out of her eyes, watching the other… And I’m doing the best I can, but I just couldn’t… My fingers were like two polio legs in a swimming pool. The girl finally got annoyed and just pushed my hand out. “All right, Peter Dinklage fingers. Fucking…” I really don’t know where to meet the women. After that bit, I don’t expect to meet a lot of you. I’m on the social media apps. I use Tinder. Anybody else use Tinder? Whoo! The woman who said “whoo,” how long did it take you to meet somebody? – Just yell out the number. – I’m married. You’re married. Oh, good. So, your parents fucked missionary, you’re married. Great. I’m ruining a lot of lives tonight. Now, was this before your husband, or is this how you met him? After. Whoa! After. Hmm. I fucking love that. “Who are you talking to?” “It’s a buddy, see? Ahh.” I am on Tinder. And I’m sure most of you know what it is. You upload photos, you swipe “like” or “nope,” and if you have a match, you can talk to that person. And before you do it, you have to set the parameters you want to search, the distance. I live here in New York, in Midtown, so I set it to search a three-mile radius. And you gotta set the age range. I’m in my 40s, so I set it for 18. That’s as far left as it would go. Heh heh heh. I actually called Tinder to complain. “There’s something wrong with your app, goddamn it. It keeps getting stuck on 18. Oh, legal stuff. No, I’m just getting… Norton, yeah.” It’s very addicting. We always say, “Oh, there’s nobody single,” but you realize when you get on an app like that, there are so many beautiful single women. I was swiping for hours. Like, like, like. I didn’t swipe “nope” on any… I didn’t give a shit what you looked like. A little, teeny Zika virus. Fuck it. Like. Shotgun wound to the face. Fuck it. I’ll play with her nipples till the ambulance gets there. Like. I heard somebody groan at that. It’s okay to laugh. It’s not a real scenario. You think that really happened? A woman got shot in the face with a shotgun and had the wherewithal to snap a selfie? And then I happened to go, “Hey, what are you up to?” “Bleeding to death in the hallway.” “Well, how about I tweak those nips till help arrives?” But I was on for three days, swiping for hours, getting no responses, and that’s a gut-punch to your self-esteem. I’m like, “I’m a worthless piece of shit.” But then I’m like, “No, maybe I just didn’t put broad enough options.” I only set it for three square miles. Midtown New York… what is that, 1.8 million people? So, I kind of opened up my search options. Maximum age, maximum distance. I pretty much set it for, if you have a pussy in North America, or hope to someday… I finally got a Tinder match, and I’m actually going to read the interaction to you. I was talking to this girl. It was going really, really well. Talking to her for five days, back and forth, every day. “Hey, good morning. How are you?” On the fifth day, I finally said to her, “I’m really enjoying speaking to you. I’d love to talk on the phone. Can I have your number?” Nothing. No response. Absolutely ghosted me. So, four days later, I write back, “I guess that’s a no. LOL.” You know. Laughing out loud, just to keep it good-natured and fun. She responds, “To be perfectly honest, I googled you.” I don’t know what your lives are like, but when you’re Jim Norton, that’s the last thing you want to read. “I googled you.” “Cosby Hitler” has better Google results than “Jim Norton.” “I googled you and was watching a video of you talking about sending photos of your penis to a girl. I didn’t know if it was a good idea to give you my number. So sorry. Just trying to be honest.” I felt awful. I had no idea what to write. I just wrote back, “Cunt. LOL.” Thank you guys very much. You were amazing. I appreciate you being here. Thank you guys very much for coming out. ♪ The world today Is such a wicked place ♪ ♪ Fighting going on Between the human race… ♪ What should I do? Left hand now, like this? Yeah, really give it to me. Okay. Say it with conviction, you ugly slug. And then I start… Then I slap you again. I’m all right. – Okay, so, the left one. Yeah. And then slap. Then, “Say it with conviction, you ugly slug,” – and then again. Yeah. Ay-ay-ay. Okay. All right, do it… ♪ …they say is very high ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

George Carlin at USC (1977) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-at-usc-1977-full-transcript/

Good evening, I’m Shana Alexander. Home Box Office has asked me to introduce tonight’s On Location featuring George Carlin. Tonight you will see a performance usually seen only if you can get to the nightclubs, college campuses, and theaters where George Carlin is a constant sell-out. A portion of Mr. Carlin’s performance needs special introduction, at least for television. His target is language, how we use it and abuse it. Some would simply say that tonight’s language is very strong. Others would say it goes beyond this, and would find it vulgar. Aristophanes, Chaucer and Shakespeare were vulgar, too, at times. Anyway, the segment is controversial; it provoked a legal proceeding At the Federal Communications Commission. In March of this year I am happy to say, a federal court of appeals ruled in favor of Mr. Carlin’s right to freedom of speech. Home Box Office intends to provide top programming to subscribers of widely different tastes. One proof of that has been their commitment to bring you the best in contemporary comedy. In the United States in 1977, that includes George Carlin, one of this generation’s philosophers of comedy, defining, reflecting and refining the way we see our own time. Home Box Office is proud to present this very important performer, but we respect your decision about whether you want to see the program. It contains language you hear every day on the street, though rarely on TV. For those of you who already know George Carlin, you’re in for a special evening. For those of you who want to know George Carlin, I’m glad to be here to introduce you. And now, George Carlin, On Location. The people who have influenced me, uh, for the most part, I don’t know about influenced, but made me laugh the hardest, and I guess the influence would be part of that, uh, was, as a child starting out with Danny Kaye, Abbott and Costello, Spike Jones, the Marx Brothers. Uh, then a little older, like Ernie Kovacs, Bob and Ray, and Steve Allen when, when he first had those late night shows. Mort Saul, Lenny Bruce, Jonathan Winters, Nichols and May, and, uh, that line of… of craziness. I don’t know how many had their influence, some did obviously, some more than others, but Danny Kaye was the biggest influence because it made me want to be in show business. So that would have to be the, the starter, you know? What are the most dramatic ways you’re forced to alter your performances for television? Well, the, the most important alteration is that you can’t use the body of language that’s generally called dirty or bad or filthy language. Um, that’s the primary, and that’s not a big restriction if you have something to say, obviously you don’t need a series of, uh, of… of street terms to make your ideas clear. But they’re very useful in enhancing ideas, and enhancing characters. And in, and in giving the element of… of reality to speech that, that you want. You can suspend that for six minutes on television. I wouldn’t like to suspend it for two hours on the stage, cause I think it would take something away from it. Although I’m sure I could do two hours without it, I just feel that I’d missed a lot of important emphases if I didn’t, uh, have access to the whole language, you know? When I was on the Ed Sullivan… this is the funniest censorship one I know of, when I was on Ed Sullivan, uh, I had two jokes and one monologue in… in one six-minute area I was doing. One was about Wallace, it was during the time of that election, it was about Wallace, George Wallace, and I said he keeps calling everybody pointy-head… he… he refers to pointy-headed intellectuals. I said, have you ever seen the sheets they wear down there, or something like that. It was, it was said better so that it was a good joke. I was referring to the Klan, of course, right? So that was a Klan joke. The other thing was I was referring to little crimes we don’t worry about in this country, like padding your income tax, cheating on the expense account, and genocide. And that, and that was right in the middle of the Vietnam War. So they told me I had a choice, they said you can either have the Wallace joke or the genocide joke, but you can’t have both. So I said take out the Wallace, give me the genocide. It seemed like a better joke. So that’s, uh, all I can tell you. But you don’t go in there to try and change their system usually. You go in there to fit within it for, for your own narrow purposes, you know? Hello, thank you. Thank you. Thank you all, Hello. Yeah, thank you. Within the first few moments he had the snakes going. How are you all, all right, huh? You sound, geez… Yeah, you sure sound like that. Did you all come in the same van, by any chance? There’s an awful lot of unity here. Anyway, good to see you. Fucking tourists, hmm. What can you do? Yeah, it’s Home Box Office, you know? It’s not our home yet, but we can watch it at home. Cause, uh, I never did a concert before where I got a chance to look at it later, and, uh, tape it. You can do that thing, but I’ve always just avoided it. But, uh, we’re doing a little tape for home consumption, and, uh, are you nervous? Yeah, you have a nice character. It’s, uh – – pardon me? What, what, louder, is the louder family here? They follow me everywhere. They’ve been in every city I’ve ever appeared in. They just sit there and yell their name, louder. Yes, I know. I know. This is the Los Angeles louders. Yes. Yeah, when you do a sound check with no bodies here, it always changes a little. Later we’ll all get used to how this place sounds, not only to you and me, but to the guy who’s going (sound). We’ll all meet each other somewhere in the middle. And if I think of anything really intelligent, I’ll say it slowly and clearly. But those periods will be quite noticeable. So, have you noticed there aren’t many Chinese guys named Rusty? It’s true. I assume the name just never caught on over there, you know? Well, that’s sort of my job to think about stuff that a lot of us are too busy for most of the time. Little things that occur to us, we have universal ground, you know? We have little common areas of turf that we all meet, but stuff we don’t talk about, little experiences that happen, they’re just not important enough. You’re thinking about the economy, you’re thinking about your future, you’re thinking about your family, you don’t have time for little things like did you ever, did you ever belch and almost puke? I almost puked. It was a belch, but puke was involved. Sometimes you belch and taste a hot dog you had two days ago. You might even remember the setting, you know, and the temperature, there was a breeze, who you were with, you know, a lot of things, just… just gone so quickly, you know? Did you ever clear your throat for another person? Someone’s talking and he has a hocker and he’s going (sound) And you go (clears throat). That ought to knock it loose. So we share a lot of little funny things. Uh, when you’re alone, when someone in… when you’re in someone else’s house and they leave you in the room, any room, alone for a moment, do you look in the drawers? Yeah, I do. Yaaah! Yeah, I don’t want to steal anything, you know, I just want to know where everything is in case I’m asked. That’s right, Officer, the third drawer on the left. Yeah, there it is. You’ll never get me for withholding evidence. Sure well, anyway, we get to travel around in a lot of spots alone. You know, most places we go, we go alone, sometimes two people go places, you know, two people, three, four, a lot of different size groups we have. You know, we go places in a lot of different sizes. Sometimes there’s 73 of us… in the place, that’s it, 73 of us went there. Stadium, 80,000, a jammed stadium. Wow, 80,000 of us went there. A million and a half view parade. Boy, a million and a half of us getting together, that’s really a big bunch, you know? Come on, everybody, okay. You know there’s no place that we’ve all been together, there’s no place where everybody goes. Wouldn’t that be great to have a meeting that everybody would have to go to. Everybody, over here. Wouldn’t it be great if everybody came to your house? (knocking) Who is it? Everybody. Hold on a minute, Marge, chairs. She’s not prepared, you don’t just drop over. Well, anyway, so you know some of the kind of places I’d like to, to bring us, we could go to play Monopoly… in groups of, uh, four, five, six, huh? I guess, Monopoly. I still play now and then. I think you never leave that completely. You know, if they need an extra guy, you know? I don’t start them up. Come on, we need… okay, put me in, I’ll play. Cause I was never very good at it, you know? I didn’t, uh, do very well. Well, all right, I have a couple of railroads, you know? I’m not a complete asshole. I have a couple of railroads, snap up Baltic Avenue as soon as that became available. How much is that, 60, let me have that mother. About the best thing that I’d ever have would be, oh, maybe one piece of property in the light blue series; Oriental Avenue, nothing on it, of course. Maybe an excavation, that’s about all I ever had on my stuff was… plans… surveyors marks. All my friends had industrial parks, condominiums, shopping centers, malls, oh boy, Carlin, you’re coming down my side now, man. Wow, big one. Ha ha, hot shit, a 12. Of course, you can’t move your token till you… remember which one you had. Which token did I have, which did l… you had the… maybe you had the… I got the ship, I get the battleship every game. The worst token to have was the gun, the big cannon. It was the only token that kept falling over, you know? It was the only top heavy. Throw the dice anywhere near that one, boom, boom. What are you, are you the gun, are you the gun? Pick it up, would you please? And you, are you in jail or just visiting? Okay, well, put the car on the outside if you’re just visiting. Some guys cared. That’s right. That’s why they won. I never won. I was always in there at the end, though, at the end of the game, cause I’d have all the one dollar bills, man. Sure, 1500 in singles and they needed me to make change, man, for all their filthy deals. No, I wasn’t that good at the game. I, uh, generally I used to… I would land on Chance all the time, I was constantly landing on Chance. Tried to buy it. I’d get in more fights trying to buy Chance. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, Chance, (pop) little man with a hat. $200 for being an asshole. Shuffle them good, that’s the second time I got that one. Did you ever go to shake hands with a guy and he doesn’t notice? And you go… and you have to make believe it’s something you do all the time, you know? Something I picked up in college. Seeing at the supermarket, a lot of things happen in the supermarket that we all I think experience when we’re there. Obviously it doesn’t happen to you when you’re not there. But, uh, little things like have you ever selected an item at the supermarket… and begun to put it in someone else’s basket by mistake. You feel alien for a moment, it’s like, ooh, ooh, I almost put that in his basket. My basket, my basket. Are those mine? Yes, with the macaroni and the cupcakes, that’s mine. My goodness, look at this here, we’re going to… oh, we have a little trouble with the mike? Okay, tell Johnson I’ll call him at the end of the week. I figure why not utilize the contact to pass along information, no wasted things. Yaaaah! Well, let’s see if the jokes get any better. We’ve got a new microphone. Where was I, oh, yes, I believe I was over here. Supermarket. Did you ever in the supermarket walk away with someone else’s cart? They get mad. Hey, come here, that’s my stuff. Not yet it isn’t. Still belongs to all of us. And if I want to shop out of your cart, I’ll shop out of your cart. You got any scallions? Okay, let him go. Did you ever look at someone else’s cart and say, ooh, goddamn, look what they eat, yech? Do this, get your cart full, get a full cart, a whole mound of groceries. And fill up the bottom part, too, you know what goes down there, case of Shasta, large box of Tide. Get the whole thing full and go on down to the check-out counter and look for somebody with just one item, and ask them if you can get ahead of them. Do you mind? Yeah, pardon me. Do you mind if I get ahead of you? Okay. All I have is a full cart. Did you ever try to go through the express lane with more than the prescribed number of items, and you have to give them the quick count? One, two, three, 111 packs of franks, it’s all one item. Go ahead, it’s quicker than arguing. I find the best way to go shopping at the supermarket is to be a little hungry. Don’t eat for a couple of days, two days is just about right. You go any longer than that, you begin to hallucinate and all the cans look the same. But two days is pretty nice. And get good and hungry, and then smoke eight joints, take $500 and go to the supermarket. You buy everything, canned cans, just what I need. And things you really love, you buy two of them, cause you know you’re gonna eat one as soon as you get home. But you get over a few aisles in that condition and you realize that well, you’ve overdone it a little bit. You have a motorcade of carts, complete with tow hitches and reflector raincoats, man. You’ve lost control again. And whenever you spend too much money in the supermarket, you have to start putting back some of the expensive items, like ham, canned ham, $8, fuck ham, boom. Get some more Junior Mints, honey, I put the ham back. Yeah, and you know the nice thing about putting things back in the supermarket, when you return an item you know where you put it don’t you? You put it anywhere you want. They expect that, eh, put it anywhere, Marge, they don’t care, they don’t give a shit. They have guys who straighten that out, guys with purple fingers come around at midnight. In the morning everything is back. It’s the mystery of the supermarket. Uh… did you ever go to the supermarket in a head neighborhood? Obviously you have. Did you ever go to the supermarket in any neighborhood where people are getting a little higher than they are in the average neighborhood, which is pretty high already, when you think about it. But any neighborhood that’s near a university or near an old, uh, an old beatnik ghetto, you know, or a bohemian area, hippie neighborhood. You know, the supermarket in that area, go into the supermarket in a head neighborhood and take a look at the cookie section, looks like a war zone. Half the packages are open. And all the good cookies are gone. Where the hell are the Mallomars? Oh, hell, we can’t get them in the store, they line up at the truck for Mallomars. There’s always lots of shitty cookies, you know? Local cookies, fucking Jim’s Cookies, 63 varieties. Man, if you can’t make cookies in 62 tries, leave me out, man. I don’t want to be part of your experiment, Jim. Hey, you know, in the supermarket I’m really a sucker, at the checkout line, well, I’m kind of an impulse buyer, you know? Anything that’s hanging up, I want it. Give me a case of C batteries, please, a dozen razors, subscription to, uh, Women’s Day, and how about that cash register, is that for sale, by any chance? It’s a lovely model. I think that’ll be it. Oh, no, I gotta buy the bargain of the week, you know? The garbage can full of Juicy Fruit. Forty-four cents, shit, can’t go wrong, you’ll never need gum again. Hey, Marge, we’re set on gum. That would be a good feeling, you know? To be really ahead on one commodity. Never have to worry about it again, you know? Like buy, you know, sneakers, hey, let me have 66 pairs of sneakers, would you please? Shit, that’s it, never have to sweat that again. Never have to shop for sneakers again as long as I live. Yeah, that’s gotta make you feel good. Then you go on to other things, you know? Now the real work. Well, anyway, walking, just plain old walking is a source of a lot of experience we’d recognize. Just, I mean, of course, you know, we walk pretty well, humans. Got it down pretty good, wouldn’t you say? Hello there, hi Dan. Look at this, still walking. Especially I’m talking about walking erect, right, yeah, home erectus, or whatever he was. This dude, cause I mean, uh, it’s one of the few things that separates us from the lowest, lower animals, walking and hats, right? Rarely see a lower animal with a hat. If he does, chances are a man put it on him, you know? But, uh, there are some animals that walk erect for short bursts. You’ve seen them, you know? Ahhhh. That’s not it, and we know it, man. This is fucking walking. We know what walking is, we have a right to be proud, being able to walk like that. And a right to be embarrassed when it doesn’t work, when we walk dopey. Sometimes you do something dumb, you know? Sometimes it’s not your fault, but you always blame it on something else. Just a little misstep, blame it on the sidewalk, it can’t be me, I’m graceful. You’re singing, oh, da, da, da, da. Not me, fucking boulder in the road. Might be the shoes, they’re not mine, I borrowed them. Not used to the soles, goodbye. Couldn’t be me. That’s why I like with a limp, you know, if you limp, some people go ooh, that’s not right, a guy who limps don’t do that, unless he just got the limp. But you’ve seen some guys, some guys are good, man. Some guys are really into their limp, they’ve had it a long time, man. You’ve seen guys like that, man, shit, they pivot on it, shoom. Hey. You’ve seen those guys. They go up a, you see them go up a spiral staircase. You see that shit? Screws himself… Guys can handle it when they’ve had a limp a long time, it’s when you just get a limp, when it’s a new limp that you’re not good at it yet. Then you go, ahh, ahhh, like a steal beam on my leg. That’s when you’re not too cool. Did you ever walk and count your footsteps? You know how many of them fall in each box on the sidewalk. One, two, one, two, one, two and a half, carry a half, one, two and a half. I hate doing math when I’m walking. Do you ever look at yourself in store windows? Got to check it out, right? Trying to see your profile. Let me see it. Sometimes you’re walking up the stairs… and you think there’s another stair. You have to go into a little routine, you know, to throw them off. Hi there, hi. Good thing stereos on mezzanine. Sometimes you’re going down the stairs… and you think there’s another one. How’s your dog, how’s your dog? What? Said, how’s your dog? He’s fine, man, fine. Got new neighbors, man. How’s our dogs. My dog has complete freedom. How’s he like it? Don’t know, we haven’t seen him in eight years. What do dogs do on their day off? They can’t lie around, that’s their job. Get up, it’s your day off. Does this ever happen to you, your dog and you are home, and you’re home with your person, whoever your person might be. And, uh, you’re upstairs watching TV late at night in bed got the dog with you, got the light on, you’re reading, talking to each other, you got half of a Pepsi there, some Doritos, man, everything is nice. And, uh, a dog is shown on television. When a dog is shown on TV, do you try to get your dog to look at the dog who’s on? Look at the doggie, look at the dog, look at the dog, you asshole, would you look at that dog? Look. They never look where you want. If you point, they look at your hand. Yeah, you try to get them to look, they watch your hand. Hey, look at this hand, it’s pushing my head. What did I do now? Well, for one thing, you missed the dog. Same situation, late at night, you’re with your person, you’re with your dog in the bedroom, television’s on, the lights are on, you’re talking, still got some Pepsi left, Doritos are holding out good. And one of you says to the other, (sniff) Honey, did you fart? Did you? Not me. I thought you farted. Not me. Now that’s not even one of my farts. I know, the dog farted. Look at him, Kippy, why did you fart? Look, he knows he farted. I seen his ass open up. Well, I just happened to be looking at his ass by chance. I thought he was doing deep breathing exercises, I don’t know. What the hell do I know about dogs, for chrissakes. Now your dog, you may know this, your dog… doesn’t care. Dogs essentially don’t care. Don’t, don’t really care at all. You’ve never seen a dog with a list of priorities. Dogs have no standards. Most things they do, they will do anywhere at any time, except the few that you taught them better never do that or I’ll beat the shit out of you. They do catch on to that. They can also be made to appear smart by performing a series of meaningless tricks, like chasing a rubber newspaper that squeaks. This doesn’t make for intelligence. As far as I’m concerned, dogs are highly emotional, ESP going for them, they’re telepathic but not so greatly smart. A lot of that. Now, your dog might just embarrass you if it gets the chance. Let’s go out to the front of your house, out to the living room, and, uh, you’re there now with dog, he’s there, of course. And you have some friends in, some neighbors over, sitting around the coffee table. And, uh, chit chat, you know, talking to each other, you brought your Pepsi down, but fuck ’em, let them get their own Doritos. I’m not here to feed the neighborhood. And everybody’s sitting around, and the dog is licking his balls. And nobody mentions it. Spectacular thing going on there. If I could reach, I’d never leave the house, man, are you kidding me? They don’t even mention it. They say things like, isn’t he cute? He’s taking a bath. He appears to be licking his balls to me, Marge. Yeah, he’s been on that one spot for over an hour. That’s a mighty selective bath. No, no, no, no, nice doggie, no, no, nice doggie, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nice doggie, no, no, no. Don’t you know they have the cleanest mouth of any animal? I’m just going by where he’s been, honey. I am not a chemist. And when we have cats, we usually have them for a different reason, because of their independence. I mean, that’s generally one of the qualities we like, there’s a certain affectionateness which I think has to do with static electricity. But, um, cats are cool because they’re independent. That’s usually, people always who have them they say well, you know, hey, he takes care of himself, makes his own clothes, drives himself to work. I never have to do a thing for him. Cats are cool, cats are aloof and separate, you know? And that’s kind of nice. Uh, you ever pet a cat who’s lying flat, and by the time you get half way, his ass is way up in the air? Oh, look at the nice… holy Christ, how did he do that? What the hell is that? And there he goes… there he goes again. And they jump on your chest, they put their ass in your face and go. What is that, get him off me, will ‘ya? I don’t even know what that is and I don’t like it. I think it has to do with ecstasy or something. He misses his mommy. Yeah, bullshit, you always say that. You said that about the mailman. I have a theory on why people moan at certain jokes… envy. I’m… I’m forced into that position. Uh, cats have a great quality. Cats have the quality of somehow never having to pay dues for things they do that are really moronic. Dumb things. If you see a cat do something really poor, for a cat, that is, like jumping from the floor up onto a table and landing in four coffee cups. Did you ever notice that somehow they get out of it? They just go on to the next thing, there’s no postmortem, no reference to the dumb thing. Hi there, I’m doing this now, look at this, you know? I mean, a cat can race across the carpet and crash into a glass door… (crash) I meant that, I meant that. I’ve been practicing that for a year. Fuckin’ meow, fuckin’ meow, fuckin’ meow, fuckin’ meow. That’s what they do when they get behind the couch, fuckin’… look behind your couch, you will find a cat recuperating. They have little slings and crutches and shit. Hi, I like tried to make it to the window sill from the bed, didn’t make it. It’s my theory that old folks, old folks and kids got a lot in common. Uh, for one thing, they both look like this. We call them both farts. Right? Cute little farts, and old farts. I’m just an old fart. But mainly they’re both discriminated against because of… their… age, how old they are, or how old they aren’t. That’s how it starts out, you’re too young, you’re not old enough. Pretty soon they’re saying, sorry, you’re too old. Jesus, that was quick. I was standing right here. Yes, uh, old folks are really just… bent kids, you know? Used children. Sure, it’s in between that we forget how to act, in between those two states, in that awe, you know, in that innocence that we, uh, have to act a certain way. I’m 21 now, gotta stand, talk and walk a certain way. How do you do? I’m 25, 30 now. How do you do? I’m grown up, 35, 40. How do you do? Play some golf, good to see you, say hello to the wife. 45, 50, I’m 55, 60, 65, I’m 70, 75, oh, now I can piss in my pants again, man. Goddamn, I’m 1. Whoooo. So anyway, kids, besides being… too young, are also too little. That’s another thing they have to put up with, they’re too goddamn little. You’ve noticed them, haven’t you? I wouldn’t laugh in front of them, man, but they’re too fucking little. Kids spend all that time, all those important years way the hell down there. Teeny little things. They really do start you out small when you’re a kid, don’t they? Look at this, Dan, we’ve got a kid. What you gonna do with him? Gonna raise him. Don’t plant him too deep, you know? Sure, for all those years, you’re stuck down there and the whole world’s up here. Or, you’re stuck down here, and the whole world is up there. Everything is up there. Everything is built for them, all the furniture, right? Oh, they give you one little table and a couple of chairs in your room, you know? But your brother sits on it and breaks it, man. You’re stuck, everything’s up there. Hey, pardon me, hey, look out for the cigarette, will ya’? Ouch, goddamn it. Hey, you wanna look for the cookies? Would you look for the cookies, please? Yeah, they’re up there, they’re not down here. They don’t keep them here, they keep them up there. I can’t see up there at all. I’ve never seen it up there. I wouldn’t know where to look, they’re up there somewhere, just take a look around, would you? Would you please look… just give it a chance, give it a try, just look everywhere, open everything up, open everything, look in everything up high. You know where they are? He knows where they are. Tell him, Ed. Tell him where they are. He knows where they are. Give him your help. Hey tell him. Just tell him you know. Hey come on. Ah hurry up, Finish your cup. Come on. Yeah, man, you don’t know much down here. Well, you know about the nap of the rug. You have a pretty clear idea about the migration of dust in an urban apartment. You know where all the electrical outlets are. Makes you handy as hell the week before Christmas. Come here, Dad, I’ll show you, come on, hey, come on over here. This one had a brown mark on it. Sure, you’re just a little guy down here, and your handle is extended. That’s the thing they use to take you places. Come on, we’re going downtown. And simply because you’re so small, just because you’re… tiny, they pick you up and throw you in the air. You don’t see them throwing each other in the air, do you? It isn’t safe. Just you, because you’re teeny. Your uncle comes over on Thanksgiving. Whoa boy, look at him. Ain’t he a teeny? Goddamn, I’m gonna throw him up in the air. Come here. I got him, I got you, hold on. I got him. Okay. Okay, okay. Okay, I got him. Oh, Margaret, I’m sorry. I lost him in the sun. We got any turkey left? Yeah, there were rules, I wasn’t too good at rules myself. Well, I was good at breaking them. You’d think that would count, you know, it’s a category. No such luck, it was marked against you. Didn’t have a lot of luck with them because they didn’t all seem logical to me. For some reason or another, some of them seemed dumb. Now, there were good rules, to be sure, there were some fine rules. No running with the scissors, that’s one I always obeyed. Made sense to me. Shit, this big mother will go right through me. What are you doing? I’m not running with the scissors. Another good rule was no sticking your head out of the high speed railroad train window. Goddamn, Dad, good rule. Oh, yeah. Doesn’t want us to get our heads chopped off. Fucking great, must be having a great day, Dad. There were some rules that were not so intelligently drawn, I felt, some things that didn’t make a lot of sense, no running in the halls. Hey, why? Cause it looks like fun, that’s why. No running in the halls. Where you gonna run, in the rooms? I keep turning in the rooms, man. Can’t get up any speed at all in the rooms. Hallways, made for running. Another, uh, dumb rule I thought was no singing at the table. Why? One guy with a bad voice a hundred years ago fucked it up for everybody else? Why? No singing at the table. Why? Because I said so. First sign of a dumb rule. Yeah, you can stand right next to the table all during dinner and sing your ass off, it’s not covered by the rule. “I’m standing near the table during dinner and I’m singing, and it isn’t even covered by your rules.” Sit down, you. That was your middle name, you. Did you ever, at home when you go to make a sandwich, you reach down past the first two or three pieces of bread to get the good bread? It’s sort of a survival thing, a self, you know, it’s sort of like a, let my family have the rotten bread, I’ll take care of numero uno. Down we go into the healthy part of the loaf. Sometimes you’re going down into the loaf not so much because of, uh, freshness or mold, but because of the size of the piece of bread you want. As we all know, the fat slices are somewhere near the middle. Down you go, and you have to go past about eight or nine slices till you get what you want, and then you hope they don’t rip on the way up. And just before you get them out, the top eight slices go boom and fall the other way. Oh, shit, I just leave them crooked, don’t you? Yeah, let them think a burglar made a sandwich, you know? Not me, honey, I didn’t do that, I never do that. That’s like who the fuck is it in my house who puts away the milk carton with this much milk in it, man? Who the fuck put that away? I thought that was full. Yeah. Frozen peas, did you ever notice that frozen peas are all the same size? There are no small frozen peas, they’re all alike. If you have a favorite frozen pea and you drop the box, you’ll never see your favorite again. A strange thing, the butter warmer. We have that. We were cold, man originally was cold so he built a house, hot box to live in, warm box, live inside the warm box, pretty cool, cold out here, warm inside the warm box. Everything was nice until he realized the meat didn’t keep in the warm box. So, he built a refrigerator, built a cold box inside the warm box. Meat keeps fine, but the butter doesn’t spread. So he built the butter warmer, put a warm box inside the cold box, inside the warm box. Strange folks. If you use vitamins, most good vitamins don’t have a trade name stamped on them, they’re blank pills. They look like vitamins, but they’re not marked. And if you go on the road and you take a lot of vitamins with you, enough for like two weeks, you might put them in another big vial, unmarked. And now you got an unmarked vial with unmarked pills in it. And if you’re going through some little place maybe where the cops got a hard on that day, and he wants to give you a little trouble, a little heat, he can hold you for a while, while they send these things down to the lab. And off your vitamins go, and that’s why I, I always travel with Flintstone Vitamins. Honest, Officer, there’s Wilma and Dino, look. Hey, you’re right, look it there’s Wilma. The guy had to cut me loose, man, he had to cut me loose, I had Wilma. Pussyfoot, interesting word, it’s a rare female birth defect. A lot of people don’t know that. Caught you again. Envy. Somebody, somebody has to think of this stuff. Oh, that’s what I wanted to do, I wanted to bring a little of the news your way. It’s time to find out… oh, yes. All right. I’d like to take a look at the news. First of all, the headlines, Welcome Wagon Runs Over Newcomer, Terrorists Blow Up Central America And Leave A Note, Off-Duty Policeman Killed By On-Duty Criminal, 21 Killed In 21-Gun Salute, and a Football Team Dies In Sudden Death Overtime. “Police fired over the heads of rioters today, however, they killed 200 people living on the second floor.” “Scientists have discovered a new disease which has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there’s no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.” “Doctors in Florida claim they are treating a 107-year-old woman who is pregnant. They say that because of her advanced age, she will have a grown-up.” “A man has barricaded himself inside of his house, however, he is not armed and no one is paying any attention to him.” “A man in Milwaukee has been arrested for attempting to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.” Christ, fucking studio audience in a newsroom, did you ever hear of anything like that? “Food and Drug Administration announced today that saliva causes stomach cancer. However, however, only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.” “A man in Philadelphia has been arrested for attempting to make an unauthorized deposit in a sperm bank.” Use vote with your diaphragms, folks. “At the lake in City Park today, police arrested a one-armed man who was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.” “A dog has exploded on a busy downtown street corner. No one was killed, however, 20 people were overcome by fur. Police claim that 50 to 60 fleas also lost their lives in the blast.” Kind of wind up the news tonight, “Scientists have discovered a vaccine for apathy. However, they claim no one is showing the slightest bit of interest in it. They’re gonna throw it away.” Thank you, thank you. La la la la. George. Well, I knew that, uh, with a name like George, uh, I would have to add something else. Any old name could have emotion for you, though, even a brand name. Product names have things you expect from them. You have a little emotional investment in certain names. I mean, you wouldn’t buy, you wouldn’t eat Good Year pancakes, right? Any more than you would drive on Aunt Jemima tires, right? It’s just, you have feelings, you have expectations about it. If Janitor in a Drum made a douche, no one would buy it. There’s no market. It’s like 20 Mule Team mini pads, man. There’s no market for them. Raid feminine hygiene spray. Raid, wow. That’s what they call them, feminine hygiene spray. They’re under leg deodorants. Why do they avoid that. It’s obvious, under arm, under leg. Why do they avoid that, you know? I know, I guess it’s cause you have two armpits, you only have one leg pit. Uh… Well, I think things ought to be named for what they are. I think there ought to be a little more truth in names, you know? They’ve tried to clean up, to clean up advertising claims, let them clean up some of the names, like Excello and Acme and Ace and Top. Bullshit. Things should be called what they are. I’d like to bring out a new car, the 1977 Piece of Shit. A Division of United Consumer Fuckers. Yeah, company names are fun. Whammo, Whammo is a toy company. Aren’t you glad it’s not an airline? Would you get in the big Whammo bird, huh? Uh, there’s some just plain old words that are sort of fun to, uh, think of or look at more closely than usual. Things like hot water heater. Have you ever, have you thought of hot water heaters? Pardon me, I said… I’d like to buy a hot water heater. What the hell for. Hot water doesn’t need to be heated. You must want a cold water heater. How about a hot water cooler? Yeah, some words are fun, words like flammable. Flammable… inflammable… and non-inflammable. Why are there three? Doesn’t it seem to you as though two words ought to be able to handle that idea? I mean, either the thing flams or it doesn’t flam. Now, flammable, flammable, that’s the one that’s on the side of the truck, flammable, as if you’re gonna get out of your car at 60 miles an hour and smoke on this truck, right? Flammable, I found out the reason it says that on the truck is so that just in case you should be spinning out of control at 70 or 80, heading for the truck, you’ll know what it was that happened, you know? Gives you a chance to make a few plans, you know? Put the cigarettes out. Put the cigarettes out. And of course, there’s a moment just after beginning to blow up when you stop blowing up for just a moment… and you say… fucking flammable. Then, of course, you do continue to blow up. Nothing we can do about that. Jumbo shrimp. Indeed, what do you expect when you order that, what will arrive? Will it be a large shrimp, or a little jumbo. Jumbo shrimp, those words don’t even go together, man. That’s like military intelligence, they have that, too. How did they do that? There’s a, there’s another phrase like that, business ethics. Say, uh, we’re discussing business ethics. Yes, no wonder we couldn’t hear anything over here. That’s like a plastic glass. They have them. Mine isn’t, mine is a glass glass, goddammit. But they have them. Get me a plastic glass. Well, I’ll see what I can do. Pretty soon they’ll have nylon rubbers. They do, they have nylon rubbers, what the fuck? Hey, all right, none of your filth. Shoot me. Hey, three moans wasn’t bad so far, about an hour and a half. Now, uh, hold on, I have a real great idea. As soon as I think of it, we’re all going to laugh our asses off. Right? The airline has given us a lot of strange words and expressions, and ways to look at language that they force us into. We have words like, from the airline, like deplane. I’ve never deboated, I’ve never debussed, by God, I’ve deplaned. We’ll be deplaning through the forward door. I’m already on deplane. That’s what they tell you, get on the plane, get on the plane. Fuck you, I’m getting in the plane. Let Evil Knevil get on the plane. I’ll be inside with you folks in uniform, you seem to know where to sit. Airlines got a load of things, they tell you to go to your gate, go to your gate, there’s no gates. Have you ever seen a gate at the airport? There ain’t no fucking gates. Where the hell are the gates at? A lot of doorways, they have a lot of pathways, they have a lot of carpeting, they have a lot of seats, they got rostrums and podiums, they got railings, they got velvet ropes, there ain’t a goddamn gate at the airport. Shit, I’ve missed three planes looking for my gate. Gate 49, goddamn, there must be a bunch of them around here someplace. Where are they? And the airlines also have another thing called a non-stop flight. Not me, bullshit. I insist that my flight stop, preferably, right at the end. That’s when they tell you you’ll be landing shortly. Does that mean we’re gonna miss the runway, honey? No, it just means we’re on our final approach. That’s when they tell you to put your seat back forward. Wow. You mean one time, or a lot of times, honey? Put, put your seat back. I don’t bend like that. And then, one further example of the airline’s perversion of language, when two airplanes almost crash right into each other up in the sky, they call that a near miss. It’s a near hit, gang. Thank you. Well, thank you, you’re nice guys. “THE FINAL SEGMENT OF MR. CARLIN’S PERFORMANCE CONTAINS ESPECIALLY CONTROVERSIAL LANGUAGE, PLEASE CONSIDER WHETHER YOU WISH TO CONTINUE VIEWING.” We’re having fun, you know? Uh, I had a couple more, uh, word thoughts, but, ah, screw ’em. I thought of most of them anyway. There is left that group of words that we, uh… Hey, hey, hey, well, they’re your words, gang, and I praise them, too because they are sort of fun. Just as a hobby, if nothing else, these words are only, let’s see, let’s call them this, they’re, uh, the words that we can’t say all the time, I find that to be about the most comfortable, um, umbrella, you know? Uh, they’re just words that we can’t say all the time. Sometimes, yes, sometimes, but not all the time. When you’re a kid, you can’t say them at all, not one. None, that’s it. Nope. But you do keep growing, they can’t stop that. Pretty soon the words hell and damn break through. Hey, I didn’t get hit. I know. Then dad tells you a joke with shit in it. Now don’t tell your mom I said that. Why not? Well, you can’t use them words all the time. I, I was, my trouble was, I wanted a list. I didn’t think it was asking much. Here are these words I’m not supposed to say, let’s have a look at them. I’ll be glad to avoid them if I could just see them and know what they are. You gotta say them to find out what they are man. Shit. Oh fuck. All right, hey, enough man, a list, please Ma. Sure, that’s all you need. When you’re six years old now, here’s the list of words your dad and I don’t ever want to hear you say. Oh, thanks, Ma. Hey, that’ll save me an ass kicking, you know? There’s no list. So, enough of trial and error, goddamn. Now, there are different places where you can’t use words, right? I mean, sometimes… the minister’s wife is one, you definitely don’t say them to the minister’s wife. And all of those thousands of other places that you don’t use those words. Come on, mixed company here, hey, there’s ladies in the kitchen, chrissakes. I got a really filthy joke for you, Bill, but there’s a lady here. Well, that’s okay, she’s filthy, too. Go ahead, Glenn, let’s hear it. Depends on who you’re with, right? They’re just the words we can’t say all the time. Now, I wanted my list to reflect an area I was interested in, the time that you can’t say them all the time that I picked was radio and television time. That’s one of the places where we can’t use them, and, uh, I guess that’s largely because, uh, television is a paid for by private industry, and regulated by the government. So, whew, you know, you think of what, think of what two groups are doing even to each other, you know? And, uh, so you can imagine what they did to radio and television, right? They turned it into a billboard and it belongs to the brillo and biscuit folks, and, uh, that’s all it’ll ever be. And so as a result they want to restrict your language some of the time. Not all of the time, some of those words aren’t always dirty. I found that out trying to make a list, trying to get a little journeyman list going here for myself. Want to know the ones I can never, never say on television, because some of the words you can say… part of the time. It’s the same word but it’s only a part-time dirty word, and 50 percent it’s okay depending on what you meant. So, I figure looking for a list, I started running into all the categories of dirty words, started to realize there were more ways to describe filthy words than there are filthy words. Seemed curious to me. Someone was awfully interested in them. They found an awful lot of ways to refer to them, and, uh, I did, too, called them bad language, dirty, filthy, foul, vile, vulgar, coarse, unseemly, in poor taste, street language, locker room talk, gutter talk, barracks language, naughty, saucy, bawdy, raunchy, rude, lewd, lascivious, indecent, profane, obscene, blue, off-color, risque, suggestive, cursing, cussing, swearing. All I could think of was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits, man… seven. And it wasn’t complete, I knew the list wasn’t complete, but it was the initial list that first evening. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, and I knew I had ones that could never be said cause they didn’t mean anything else. There are some words you can say part of the time. Talking about an ass kicking, ass is a word that’s hardly even a curse word anymore, but it still is in a little way. I mean, most of the time, ass is all right. On television you can say well, you’ve made a perfect ass of yourself tonight. But you can’t say, you half-ass. Only perfect ass is allowed. You can use ass in the religious sense, if you happen to be the Redeemer riding into town on one, perfectly all right. But don’t get off and say, you know, the donkey hurt my ass. Sometimes, that’s the way it is. Bitch, another word, another animal word, too, bitch. Bitch is all right on television if you happen to be the lady from the San Diego Zoo who brought a bunch of little canines up to Johnny Carson. This one’s a bitch. That’s cool. Don’t refer to the singer that way. Is that bitch gonna do another number? Animals are fine on TV, it’s all right. I’d like to tell a story about a cock and a pussy and a beaver and a bitch and an ass. Get him out of here. Get him out of here. Get him out. Tits, of course, doesn’t belong on a list like that. You know, tits. Tits, you know, too cheerful, nothing harmful. You know, no threat from that word, tits. Tit, tit is a cute little word, tit. Sure, any word I think that’s spelled the same frontwards and backwards is cute as hell. I think Otto is a great name, I always liked it. Here comes fucking Otto. We don’t know if he’s coming or going, cause he’s fucking Otto, you know? I also like Otto cause Otto is toot inside out. Just a hobby. But, uh, tit, cute word. Come on, tits, you can’t say tits. You can say boobs. You can say boobs. Boob starts and ends with the same letter, boob, like tit. You know, you can say it. Tits, no good, can’t say tits, boobs. In fact, boobs is an answer on Match Game. I had boobs, Gene. Boobs, $200. Holy shit. Can’t say, uh, tits. Nice tits on the singer, huh, Ed? But you can go like this, hey, she’s really built, you know? You can’t, you can’t say, uh, you can say teats. Teats is okay if you’re on at 5:00 in the morning and a cow is your guest. But you can’t say jugs, you know, or… Well, you gotta pull the cow’s knockers, Dan, you know? Now, tits also says, you know, well, it sounds to me like a snack anyway? Doesn’t it sound… Give me the Nabisco, new Nabisco double-wrapped tits, man. Pass the tits, would you, Dean? Say, these things are responding. Just a few for while I’m watching TV tonight. Uh, now, we’ve added, uh, three words have been added. There was only one official, uh, induction, one group of three words was added. Uh, there was no balloting this year, as many of you know, right, And some of you have supported some of the words that were in line to be on the list that haven’t made it, I say, you know, just hang in there. Fart, turd, and twat, of course, have. Fart, turd and twat all belong because they don’t mean anything else. Uh, they mean that only, and you can’t say them on TV. Now, fart, again, like tit in a way is, you know, a cute kind of word. Uh, fart’s, you know, a cute little fart, and hey, man, kids know farts are fun, you know? Kids know farts are shit without the mess, right? Same funny sound, same vile smell, kids, no fuss, no muss. Remember when you were a kid one time maybe with short pants on, sitting in church on a wooden bench and you had to do the one cheek sneak. [Squeak] Right in tune with the organ. That’s why they call those pews, I found that out, man, pew. Farts are, uh, hey, farts keep us in our place. Well, actually they disperse us many times. But they do, they keep you in your place, they keep you humble, they remind you of who you are. That’s right, Dr. Goddard, uh, well, the initial series of Mariner flights, of course, all the Mariner landings are complete circumnavigation of the complete global – running of the entire series on Mars with the Mariner (sound). Pardon me. Come over here, why don’t you come over here. Then, uh, we’ll be going to Jupiter right after that. Uh, this man still has exhaust of his own, you know? Did you ever notice that your own farts smell okay? Say, that’s fairly decent. I think I’ll stay home today, do some reading in the closet. Not only do you not mention the word fart, but you never refer to farts. They’re more secret and worse than fucking. No fart mentions, no references to fart. You never see a fart reference. You’d think by now after 20 or 30 years of television that some guy once would have gone, whew. Hasn’t happened. There has never been a fart as far as they’re concerned. They don’t exist, we do not recognize them. Just once I wanna see somebody on the Johnny Carson panel, you know? Whew, hey, Ed, move down, man. Whew. Fucking Ed, fucking Ed let go. Whew. Give me the lighter, Johnny, wow. Oh, hey, Ed, if you’re sick man, see the nurse, will ya’? Something died inside of Ed. Geez, Ed, it ain’t the smell, you know? It’s the burning of my eyes. Often tried to think what it might be like to have never farted, and suddenly have that happen in your thirties, maybe. I just, just had never farted before, and one day the inevitable, man. Air is coming out of me. I don’t wanna be a balloon. Man, if it happened to me, I’d probably use it to try to get out of work, you know? Wouldn’t you, yeah, that’s right, boss, I won’t be in today. Well, air is coming out of my ass. That’s right. No, air, not hair, air. Air, that’s right. Well, I don’t know, I think I might have picked it up from the dog. Yeah, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd, twat. Turd, you can’t say turd on TV, but who wants to? I don’t care if I ever hear that one again. And twat, twat is on the list because it doesn’t mean anything else, you know? No saving meaning, twat’s twat. Right in the twat, right in the twat, no mistaking that. Yes, twat doesn’t have any other meaning. It’s not like, uh, like prick, prick, you can say prick on television. If it happens to your finger, it’s all right. You can prick your finger, just don’t finger your prick, that’s all. Hey, uh, now, in line with those kinds of words, words that are dirty sometimes, and not dirty sometimes, those are the ones that got you in trouble as a kid, cause you noticed that they had two meanings and you began to make a little pun or a joke, and you got caught with it, and it was dirty mind. And it’s not a dirty mind, it’s a fuckin, okay, a little joke, you know? But that’s true, the word ball is the two-way word, the non and curse variety of ball is the most prevalent in that kind of situation. And boy, it comes up more often in real life to make it a double meaning. Uh, ball is, uh, well, every sport is played with a ball, right? Except hockey, and that rhymes with fuck anyway. Take your comfort where you find it. Well, the word ball is a, you know, a part of your life. As a kid, man, it’s one of the early, uh, toys, right? Let’s go play with your ball. What, you sure? Right, yes. That was confusing, ball. Ball has three meanings now, of course, ball also means to fuck, to get laid, to ball, to have balled, to have been balling. Actually, it always meant that, we just didn’t know, you know? Now we know that. Of course, when I was a kid, ball only meant either testicle or small round object you play with, right? That’s all, just those two. And, uh, it’s all right for Kurt Goudy to say it all across the nation, Johnny Bench has two balls on him. Fine, no problem there at all, the whole country nods in agreement, right. Shit, I figured him for two, you know, hell yeah. Hell yeah, that whole team I think. He cannot, however, although he can say that, turn to his sidekick Tony Kubeck and say, Tony, I think he hurt his balls on that play. He’s holding them, by God. Well, that’s true, Kurt, generally when they hurt their balls, they hold them. He’s holding his, he’s hurt his balls. Thank you, Tony, this team has been plagued with ball injuries this spring. Johnson pulled a ball the other day. Jamison has a sprung ball. Nicholas woke up with a tight ball this morning. Williams has a twisted ball from last night. Never hear about those injuries, they call them groin injuries. It’s a groin injury. I never knew where my groin was when I was a kid, did you? Where the hell is my groin, is it dirty, do you cover it up? Put your groin away, wow, what the hell. Where does my groin end and my loin begin. I know I have them both, I just don’t have any dotted lines like a cow picture. Where the hell are they? Just tell me what to cover, I don’t mind. Groin, they pulled their groin muscles. If I pulled my groin muscle, they’d have my ass out of the stadium in no time. These guys sit around, big stars pulling their groin muscles on the weekend. Well, anyway, there is an overlapping, there is a confusion about sex and violence. Some folks don’t know where one ends and the other begins with sex and violence. Sex and violence. A lot of people running around trying to stamp it out like it’s all one thing. What are you doing, trying to stamp out sex and violence. Starts with a S, ends in a A. There’s an overlapping, there’s a gray area, there’s some folks don’t understand. Even folks who like those things together think of them as one, sex and violence. Some people like, as you know, violence with their sex. I don’t care for that myself, I like my violence a little earlier in the afternoon. But it’s true that there’s a confusing area. I mean, even a little child might make a mistake when he’s too young, wandering into the bedroom, oh, daddy’s winning. It has the look of competition. So it got confusing enough to people that someone finally had to sort it out and said, make love, not war. Get it? We said, huh? Make love, not war. A guy finally sorted it out. Probably a lady, it sounds more like a lady’s thing, I don’t know why, make love, not war. Why must there always be killing? That was it. Shit, if I had thought of that phrase, make love, not war, I would have retired that day if I thought of that. Wouldn’t you? I wouldn’t expect to be able to top myself later in life. That would be it, go out with a biggie. I think I’d, you know, just leave my car at the red light, man. That’s it, I’m going to the beach. You guys gotta make love, not war, see you later, and be gone. Well, I have a little phrase of my own, make fuck, not kill. It’s not as graceful a phrase, I know, but I’m not looking to retire at this time. Make fuck, not kill deals with just what we call those things, not what they are, let the experts and behavior folks work on those, what they are. I just like what we call them, fucking and killing. You got fucking and killing, I say let’s change the words around. If language is our servant, let’s put the son of a bitch to work. Let’s call fucking killing, and killing fucking for about a month and a half, just long enough to confuse us a little about which one we really fear and want, all right? Fucking and killing, just anywhere you see them Movies, the movies would be great. Better get down off the horse, Sheriff, we’re fixing to fuck you now. What’s this? Mass fucker still on the loose. Man fucks three, self. No, I think we got him now. He made his first big mistake, he fucked a cop. Yeah, he’s a cop fucker now. Every cop in the state will be looking for him. Okay, thank you, Dan. Hey guys, uh, my horse broke his leg, I’m gonna fuck him. I’ll be right back, excuse me. Shamu, the fucker whale. So all I’m saying I guess really is that fuck you is a positive phrase, it’s just a way of making, you know, direct verbal love from across the street. Next time you hear it feel that way. – Fuck you. – Okay, hey. Thanks for being here tonight and being part of this. I hope we all get to see it. I love you, fuck you, see you later, bye-bye. Jack, how are you? Hello there, folks at home. Well, welcome to our place… Sometimes a girl comes in and leaves things. If you want something just have it, you know? Uh, that’s a nice chair you have over there. I’m sorry. I just feel silly. I’m off now, see? I gotta lady here, who’d like to see ya. Oh, yeah, let me say hi. You know this lady? How you doing girlfriend? Great.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

DOUG STANHOPE: NO REFUNDS (2007) – Trascrizione italiana

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-no-refunds-2007-trascrizione-italiana/

New York è sconcertante nel… è una città che si vanta di essere un totale letamaio. Fanno: “Non c’è niente di buono qui e la gente ne è orgogliosa, è felice. “Oh, è… è troppo costosa e troppo popolata… e puzza di piscio.” E i comici… i comici girano gli speciali qui. E aprono tutti con la battuta: “Si, pago 8.000 dollari al mese al metro quadro.” Gli dici: “E Perché cazzo non te ne vai?” Perché la gente resta qui? Sfortunatamente, è qui che la comicità funziona, dove la gente è più infelice. Preferirei girare uno speciale su una spiaggia in Costa Rica, in un Tiki Bar, adesso, ma non gli servono comici. Stanno già sorridendo. Sono già felici. Naturalmente. Ecco Perché faccio lo speciale qui, Perché… è l’ultimo fottuto posto in cui vorrei trovarmi. Fumerò per tutto lo spettacolo. Capito? è una delle scappatoie nella legge. Nel bando al fumo hanno mantenuto, se è parte di una rappresentazione teatrale, una scappatoia nella legge, perché non vogliono mandare in merda qualche fottuta rappresentazione di Tennessee Williams e rovinare la coerenza dello spettacolo. Quindi mi hanno lasciato questa scappatoia. Se… se la sigaretta vi da fastidio perché siete invidiosi… votate, la prossima volta. Che ne dite? Votate. Si, ogni tanto… fatevi un’idea di che succede, nella vostra comunità. No, non votate, avete roba da fare. Lasciate fare ai vecchi con problemi respiratori, che non verranno mai qui. Tutta questa cazzo di generazione è… incredibilmente triste. Se avete appena raggiunto l’età dei party, siete fottuti. Non succede più niente in questo paese. È finita. Ultima chiamata. Questa generazione fa schifo, è la generazione più fottutamente noiosa nella storia della gente. È tutto moscio e annacquato… quand’è stata l’ultima volta che avete sentito parlare di gruppi rock che lanciano televisori dalle finestre di un albergo? Dov’è finita quella roba che era… divertente! Dov’è finito il divertimento? Questo mi farà sembrare un vecchio stronzo brontolone, e lo sono, ma… ne ho tutte le ragioni. Questo… non c’è niente… Quando la gente invecchia… più si diventa vecchi, più si diventa lamentosi… è naturale, più cose fai, più diventi smaliziato. Ma penso che noi saremo la prima generazione di vecchi… Appena uno diventa vecchio, si lamenta dei nuovi ragazzi: “Questi ragazzi di oggi, sono pazzi!” Un tempo la nuova generazione era sempre troppo perversa. “Questi ragazzi sono fuori controllo, “sono pazzi, sono immorali, guarda cosa fanno! “Ai tempi nostri per divertirci andavamo a ballare nel fienile, “non facevamo nemmeno i ditalini fino ai 35 anni… ma questi ragazzi di oggi!” La nuova generazione era sempre oltre il limite, e noi saremo la prima generazione di vecchi che si lamenterà nel modo opposto, faremo: “Guarda i ragazzi di oggi, questi mezzi finocchi! “Noi prendevamo anfetamine succhiandole dalle spogliarelliste!” Nessuno si è mai fatto male e ci siamo divertiti! Abbiamo ottenuto delle belle storie e un herpes, cosi’, quanto cazzo ci siamo divertiti! Le vesciche fanno riaffiorare i ricordi. Questi fighetti bevono le Red Bull invece dell’anfetamina e preferiscono che tu vada sul patio a fumare una sigaretta. La cosa più vicina a una scazzottata per loro è una discussione su un forum! “Stai guardando la mia ragazza? “Ti cancello dai miei amici di MySpace. “Ti blocco l’utente e arrivederci, finocchio!” Faranno dei test per cercare l’adrenalina nelle urine, sui posti di lavoro. Il Paese è a questo livello di tristezza. Ti scuotono l’urina in faccia: “è tua, Donny? Sembra torbida, “non sarà che ti sei divertito, nel fine settimana? “Non siamo abbastanza divertenti per te, nella famiglia della Verizon Wireless? “Devi andare a divertirti altrove? “Non credo che tu sappia lavorare in squadra.” Mi piace quando la gente fa: “Quel paese è indietro di vent’anni, quel cazzo di posto…” Prenotami un posto lì. Mi sono divertito, vent’anni fa. Posso ancora fumare al coperto? L’ecstasy è ancora pura, non tagliata e facile da trovare? Oh, cazzo… che razza di cavernicoli devono essere. Le uniche droghe che sono popolari ormai sono tutte… quelle droghe finte, quelle che ti rendono noiosissimo: stabilizzatori d’umore, antidepressivi… A tutti è stato diagnosticato un qualche disturbo mentale e… prendono una cazzo di pillola… Ci provano con me, in continuazione. “Mandi in malora troppe relazioni.” Perché… si’, Perché penso, cazzo, penso tutto il tempo, scusate! “Oh, Gesù… “Penso sia Sindrome da Deficit di Attenzione.” No, sto pensando! Penso a un sacco di cose, non è Sindrome da Deficit di Attenzione. Si, balbetto un sacco, faccio casini, Perché sto sempre a pensare… “Ma non mi stai ascoltando.” Perché sto pensando a qualcosa di più interessante di te, cazzo… Sto cercando di… costruire una… società utopica perfetta nella mia mente, e tu di che mi parli? Di bowling? O che altro? E si, ho una testa che non vuole… starsene zitta, cazzo. è da li’ che vengono le idee. Avete anche voi una testa cosi’? Avete un cervello che non vuole starsene zitto un cazzo di minuto? Impari a gestirlo. Avete mai provato questa cosa? Ci ho provato a luglio, a Tucson, Arizona. E ho fallito miseramente. Avete mai provato a… dormire da sobri? Ci avete mai provato? è del tutto impossibile, ci ho provato! Ho una riunione alle 6:30 del mattino, ho un volo per Los Angeles per una riunione e faccio il bravo, me ne sto a letto nell’albergo… niente persone, conversazioni, distrazioni… sono sobrio, niente TV, sto solo con la testa sul cuscino. L’una, le due… ma che… Perché è allora che la giostra mette la quarta… “Hai quasi 40 anni, fottuto perdente! “Per quanto ancora sarai cosi’? “Per quanto ancora ti ubriacherai e farai divertire dei coglioni per lavoro? “Dev’esserci qualcosa che fa rima con arancia… larancia, smarancia, parancia…” Senti della musica li’ dentro, e fa sempre schifo… We didn’t start the fire… Fate silenzio, cazzo! Non riesco a dormire! Altre tre ore, devo dormire! C’è anche la mia ex moglie: “Non mi hai mai portato al giardino botanico, “pensavi solo a te stesso, fottuto megalomane! “Non te ne sei mai fregato, io morivo di solitudine!” It was always burning since the world’s been turning… Silenzio, cazzo! Devo dormire! Non prendo dei medicinali del cazzo, ed è anche da li’ che vengono le idee. Ci verso su un po’ d’alcol quando succede e tento di compensare. Devi superare i tuoi problemi. Cazzo, tutti prendono dei medicinali! Perché hanno paura di essere notati, o… Ero terrorizzato quando il mio medico mi disse che avevo un profilo della personalità unico e interessante. Ma poi mi parlo’ del nuovo Zoloft, del Prozac, e prendo tre pillole al giorno, e sono integrato in questo fottuto orribile paesaggio aziendale incestuoso, e non mi importa! Legalizzerebbero qualunque droga, purché quella droga ti lasci produttivo. L’unica cosa di cui gli frega qualcosa è la produzione. Sforni abbastanza scatole, in fabbrica? Bene, fai pure, basta che continui. Ti rende vagamente soddisfatto di star seduto alla scrivania? Continua pure, approvato dalla FDA. “Per lavoro metto in ordine alfabetico moduli assicurativi 45 ore a settimana “e ho notato che non riuscivo a concentrarmi abbastanza sul lavoro. “Allora il medico mi ha prescritto l’Etherol “e adesso la mia giornata lavorativa vola via! “Non noto nemmeno che sto buttando la mia vita vuota nel cesso “sotto lampade a fluorescenza. “Non ho alti e bassi, non ho storie interessanti, “ma sul lavoro vado forte! “Probabilmente sono la persona più noiosa che conosca, ma guarda come produco! “Faccio: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N…” Cazzo, non si prende una pillola per quello! Non ti concentri perché è fottutamente noioso, ed è una reazione naturale. È noioso, non concentrarti. Trova un altro modo. Devi guadagnarti da vivere? Pagare le bollette? Compra meno roba e divertiti… succhia un cazzo! Devi pagare una bolletta? Succhia un cazzo! Sto parlando proprio con te. Perché sei vicina. Qualunque cosa. Fai qualche giro intorno a un palo di ottone… di’ che hai trovato la Vergine Maria su un toast al formaggio e vendi quella merda su eBay, frega il sistema. C’è sempre una truffa… non devi farlo solo perché il tuo tutor scolastico ti ha detto che saresti bravissima, prendilo per il culo! Questo Paese è cosi’ privo di immaginazione, ormai. Porca puttana, probabilmente c’entrano quelle pillole. “Ero davvero una troia quando ero più giovane, “sono stata a letto con un sacco di uomini. “E non ne vado fiera. “Ma sono in terapia, e la mia terapista mi ha prescritto Wellbutrin ed Effexer “e mi ha spiegato, durante le nostre sedute, “che la ragione per cui ero così promiscua “è che vengo da una famiglia di militari. “Quindi nella mia vita non ho avuto nessun modello di riferimento maschile stabile, “e ho una bassa autostima, Perché sono un po’ tarchiata “e tento di compensare facendo sesso con tanti uomini diversi…” Forse ti piace semplicemente il cazzo. è possibile? È possibile che te ne sei fatti tanti Perché di piace quel fottuto martello pneumatico viola che entra ed esce dalla tua… fregna newyorchese non rasata, pronta per l’inverno? Fantastico! Prendi qualche cazzo, non c’è niente di male. Divertimento gratuito, serve a quello! Cristo, non prendere una pillola, prendi un cazzo! è li’ per quello. Forse… forse il tuo clitoride è li’ per un motivo! I clitoridi attirano… la salsiccia di maiale. Ecco una pari opportunità che non avrai mai. Avrai tutte le pari opportunità del mondo… Le donne, non tu in particolare, non ti montare la testa. Intendo… le donne non avranno mai la stessa… pari opportunità dell’uomo di… non puoi darla in giro senza provare vergogna. Sarai Hillary Clinton e avrai stipendi equi, ma se vuoi scopare come questo tizio scopa in un fine settimana… a lui danno il cinque, a te: “Puttana!” Devono sempre farti provare vergogna. Guarda, non voglio prendermela con te solo perché sei davanti, non importa. Ma sto affermando un concetto, so che suona… spregevole e rozzo, ma… il motivo per cui non potete farlo, come donne… è che la fica è davvero il fattore motivante principale di tutta l’umanità. Davvero. È ciò che spinge a costruire le cose. Non… non applaudite la fica, io non… questo è un difetto del sistema, non lo applaudite! è perché… sanno che è un catalizzatore! Ed ecco perché… la religione e il governo devono controllare la domanda e l’offerta della fica. E lo fanno ricoprendovi di vergogna, nel caso voleste dar via più della… quantità stanziata giornaliera di fica raccomandata dal governo. “Oh, vuole succhiare più di un cazzo? Puttana! “Rifuggi il tuo istinto naturale, puttana! “O niente sarà costruito.” O qualunque… lo sapete! Alla fine si tratta sempre di produrre, davvero, è… Devono tenere quella… quella… fica come una carota su un bastone, qualcosa che è difficile da prendere cosi’ lui continua a correre sul tapis roulant costruendo più roba, mandando altri pacchi al discount, roba insensata che non serve a nessuno. Ecco perché la cocaina è illegale: rende la fica troppo facile da ottenere. È troppo per loro. Non succederà mai. Se la fica fosse improvvisamente facile da ottenere… se fosse semplice per gli esseri umani relazionarsi a un livello regolare… se lui potesse metter giù una bella pista di coca al primo appuntamento, e tu la sniffassi, dieci minuti dopo staresti succhiando il suo cazzo in un cesso lurido… godendoti ogni secondo della cosa. Nessuna inibizione. Se fosse così facile, allora non dovresti passare 60 ore a lavorare in una fabbrica risparmiando i tuoi straordinari per permetterti un giorno uno spoiler per la tua Honda che… attirerà l’attenzione della ragazza, e poi dopo un lungo rito di corteggiamento, quando incontrerai i suoi genitori e firmerai il contratto, forse allora, un anno, per il tuo compleanno, ti succhierà il cazzo in uno sgabuzzino. “Mi sento una puttana.” Avrebbe dovuto tirare un po’ di coca. È terribile, cazzo. Si devono assicurare che tu produca. Compri cose che non servono. Andiamo, diamanti, dei fottuti fiori. Almeno i neri sapevano di essere schiavi, voi siete del tutto ignari. “Devi risparmiare… ma produci un sacco.” Il lavoro duro va bene, se è fatto per passione, ma se lavori duro solo per comprare stronzate per impressionare la gente, sei un fottuto sfigato. Un guscio vuoto. Il lavoro duro, se lo fai… gratis… se lo fai per passione, tipo, lavorare duro per imparare a suonare la chitarra acustica, se cerchi di trovarmi la prostata mentre siano fatti di ecstasy, cose così, quello è un lavoro fatto con passione, fallo! Dacci dentro, impegnati. Sapete… non lavorate duro. È terribile. “Ma tu hai lavorato duro per sfondare.” E invece no. Ho bevuto, fumato e mi sono drogato per arrivare dove sono, davvero. Non voglio glorificare questa merda. Non voglio promuoverla, ma è davvero per quella che sono qui. Non ci ho mai messo molto impegno, sono qui Perché… la droga ha allargato la mia immaginazione e mi ha fatto pensare oltre la vostra fottuta realtà, le sigarette mi hanno dato la pazienza di sedermi a scrivere quella roba in forma comica, comprensibile per voi, e l’alcol mi dà il coraggio di stare qui in piedi davanti a voi cazzoni critici e di farlo con telecamere da un quarto di milione di dollari puntate in faccia. Non mi sono impegnato molto per questo spettacolo, cazzo, è preparato male. Se c’è gente qui che aveva visto il primo spettacolo faranno tipo: “Wow, sta facendo tanti pezzi diversi.” Si. Me li sono appena ricordati. Va bene? Non volevo impegnarmi molto per questo spettacolo Perché non volevo inviare un messaggio sbagliato ai bambini che potrebbero guardarlo da casa. Non lavorate duro, cazzo. Imbecille, alla fine si muore, te l’ha mai detto nessuno? Spiacente… Questo è l’alcol. Ma mi rende più divertente. è per quello che bevo! Guarda che ironia, bevo per essere più professionale! Perché sono più divertente da ubriaco. Davvero. Sono diciassette anni. Ho degli amici negli Alcolisti Anonimi che conosco da una vita e tutti alla fine hanno dovuto arrendersi e ammettere che sono più divertente da ubriaco. Li fa morire, cazzo! è come se dovessero negare la propria religione per ammetterlo. Fanno: “Va bene, va bene, cazzo. “è stato un bello spettacolo, hai spaccato, cazzo, ma… Doug, hai un problema serio, “e ci scherzi su, ed è cosi’ che lo affronti, “ma sono nel programma di riabilitazione da tanto tempo, se vuoi parlare con qualcuno… ma non smettere stasera, abbiamo i biglietti per l’ultimo spettacolo! “Ti abbiamo visto sobrio, sei un rottame maldestro, balbettante e insicuro, “ma domani, se vuoi parlarmi, mi sveglio alle 6.” Vaffanculo. è orribile! Un Alcolista Anonimo ti dice in faccia, e lui dovrebbe essere quello che la sa lunga, ti dice che la tua carriera dipende dalla tua malattia? Un’affermazione abbastanza spaventosa. è come se il tuo psichiatra ti dicesse che non solo le voci nelle tua testa sono vere, ma hanno anche ragione. “Allora dovrei proprio uccidere la baby-sitter?” “Temo di si.” Doug Stanhope! Si, verso un altro po’ di divertimento in gola, stai calmo. Gesù è morto per i vostri peccati, io lo faccio solo per il vostro divertimento. è molto più ammirevole. Gesù non vi ha mai fatto ridere. Non siete mai stati tutta la fottuta settimana a impilare pantaloni da Banana Republic, o quel che fate voi, per correre a casa di venerdì sera ad agghindarvi per spulciare la Bibbia e vedere quali pazzie ha combinato quel buffone del Salvatore questa settimana. Non vi ha mai fatto ridere. Era uno stronzo mitologico, noioso e triste e io vi voglio più bene di lui. Ora guardatemi mentre mi masturbo. Non è uno slogan appropriato. Distrae da una parte… da questa battuta, ma… Perché dovreste… Non capisco il collegamento fra il morire per i vostri peccati… come… voi… è morto per i vostri peccati, come fa una cosa ad avere effetto sull’altra? Mi sono dato la zappa sul piede per il vostro mutuo… come… non capisco… E se ci fosse una relazione, Perché farlo? Perché morire per i peccati di qualcuno? I vostri peccati sono l’unica cosa interessante che avete, squallidi figli di puttana deprimenti. I vostri peccati sono ciò che vi rende fantastici! Sono cio’ che ci mantiene grandiosi, eccitanti e divertenti, quello che ci rende vivi! Dovreste fare bella mostra dei vostri peccati, dovreste tentare di oltrepassare i vostri peccati quotidianamente. Quando andate a lavorare, la mattina. La prima cosa da dire domani al lavoro dovrebbe essere la cosa più perversa che avete fatto stanotte, Perché è quello… che la gente vuole sentire, vi rende fichi! Giusto? Se tu mi raccontassi, per ipotesi, se mi raccontassi di che bravo ragazzo cristiano sei, e di come quel libro buono ti ha riempito di una qualche… effervescente luce amorevole di Gesù che emana da ogni poro della tua zucca… sei al settimo cielo grazie al Signore. Allo stesso tempo… tu continui a raccontare ad alta voce… allo stesso tempo, tu mi racconti di quella volta che hai scopato a calci una ragazza con la paralisi cerebrale… e vediamo chi attira una folla! Anche il tuo falso… buffone di un Gesù sul palo si allontanerà da te, adesso. “Oh, molto bello, anch’io prego per te, ma… questa la voglio proprio sentire… “Comincia daccapo! “Hai fatto cosa? “E le piaceva? Oh, mio Dio! “Che tipo di lubrificante industriale hai usato? “Non posso credere che sono morto per queste storie! Sono affascinanti!” è una cosa cosi’ stupida, cazzo… Se siete cristiani e queste cose su Gesù vi fanno incazzare, dopo dico della roba antisemita. Insomma, sei una testa di cazzo, ma posso farti sentire come se non fossi l’unica testa di cazzo. Un grosso ammasso di roba antisemita purulenta vi arriverà addosso proprio ora. Ho scritto questo… mucchio di roba antisemita. Non era mia intenzione. Ero in Scozia per… Ogni anno ad agosto a Edimburgo fanno il Fringe Festival, il più grande festival artistico del mondo. Dura tutto il mese e io sono li’ ad agosto, e qualche… giornalista idiota del London Times sta scrivendo un articolo sull’antisemitismo al Fringe. E avevano trovato una recensione… di un mio spettacolo fatto in precedenza al festival, questo tizio dell’antisemitismo, in cui mi citavano fuori contesto. Una serie di citazioni: “Ha detto cose shockanti, come… “bla bla bla, bla bla bla…” E una delle cose che avevo detto, che lui citò, era: “Odio gli ebrei.” Che sembra antisemita. Quindi all’improvviso mi ritrovo nel suo piccolo pezzo di letteratura. E l’avevo detto, l’avevo detto. Si’, senza dubbio, ma l’avevo detto in un modo allegro, divertente, antisemita, senza ostilità. Non era nemmeno una battuta, era solo una divagazione in cui deliravo… quel cazzo di Mel Gibson era sui giornali all’epoca, e divagavo su di lui, che veniva chiamato antisemita, e dicevo: “Perché parlano tanto di lui? “è un attore, chi se ne fotte di cosa pensa? “Io ho bisogno di far parlare di me: odio gli ebrei, parlate di me!” Ironia della sorte… Si! Bam, bam, bam! Bussano alla mia porta. E una storia divertente, cazzo. Se mi conoscete, se mi seguite da un po’, faccio questo lavoro da 17 anni, e… posso riempire tre CD solo degli attacchi ai cristiani che ho fatto durante la mia carriera. Ho attaccato i mormoni, i musulmani… attaccherò di nuovo Scientology appena avrò un team di avvocati più solido… Ma fino a questa telefonata… non mi ero accorto di non aver mai attaccato gli ebrei. Con tutti gli attacchi religiosi che avevo fatto, non avevo mai sfottuto gli ebrei. Mi chiesi: “Come hanno fatto a sfuggirmi?” E lo fanno, Perché, sapete, negli attacchi religiosi, non si sfottono mai gli ebrei, Perché: primo, non hanno le politiche di reclutamento aggressive che hanno le altre religioni. Non hanno cartelloni ogni 10 metri: “Diventate ebrei o brucerete all’inferno!” “Il Dio ebreo ti guarda!” Non bussano alla tua fottuta porta con degli opuscoli. “Vorremmo parlarti del giudaismo.” Allora non si sfottono per quello, non si sfottono Perché hanno quella compassione per l’Olocausto su cui possono veleggiare per altri 15 anni, finché non muore l’ultimo sopravvissuto, o finché.. History Channel non fallisce. E gli ebrei… onore a loro, non hanno… il passato di atrocità che hanno le altre religioni, non… Perché hanno sempre perso. Spiacente! Ma è cosi’, non sono come… si’… i musulmani e i cattolici, cazzo… Ho sentito molti comici fare pezzi su questo nuovo Papa: “Oh, non è spaventoso questo nuovo Papa, che era un nazista?” Non quando metti a confronto i loro precedenti… I nazisti contro la Chiesa cattolica? I nazisti sono durati solo una dozzina di anni, poi gli hanno spaccato il culo in pompa magna. La Chiesa Cattolica ha un curriculum molto più prospero e prestigioso di omicidi, torture, tirannia, oppressione e assurdità… per non parlare del fatto che scopano i bambini, e sono ancora li’! più popolari che mai! Mi spaventerei molto di più se qualcuno dicesse: “Hai presente quel nuovo nazista? “Una volta era un Papa!” “Cazzo, davvero? “Vado via, cazzo! “Quel tizio è pericoloso!” Allora fanculo gli ebrei, ecco cosa intendo. Fanculo gli ebrei, scusate… non l’ho mai detto in tutta la mia carriera, ma fanculo gli ebrei. Solo per il fatto che siete una religione siete complici come gli altri nel… ritardo nel progresso intellettuale umano, e andate affanculo pure voi! Andate affanculo. Mio fratello è ebreo. Mio fratello è ebreo e vada affanculo pure lui, lo odio a morte per… non proprio odio odio, ma che cazzo. Si è convertito, Perché con l’unica fica triste della sua vita che l’ha scopato due volte ha dovuto arrendersi e sposarla. Perché ha paura di morire da solo, ma… ma non gli importa di accontentarsi e ora stanno insieme. Impaludati in una relazione senza passione. Insegnano queste cazzate ai loro figli, Perché i suoi genitori non lo avrebbero accettato se non si fosse convertito al giudaismo. Perché sono razzisti, ed ecco un altro motivo per sfanculare gli ebrei, perché non mi piacciono i razzisti. Fanculo anche a te, ebreo. “Non vai bene se non sei un ebreo.” Vaffanculo. Soprattutto, odio gli ebrei Perché sono maledettamente fastidiosi. Siamo tutti d’accordo? Davvero, sono maledettamente fastidiosi. Rispetto a tutti i religiosi che ho conosciuto, gli ebrei hanno la tendenza a infilare il loro giudaismo in qualunque conversazione stiate facendo. In qualunque discussione, qualsiasi sia l’argomento: “Oh, divertente, Perché sono ebreo!” “Cosa?” “Ho una tipica madre ebrea. “Ti ho detto sono stato cresciuto ebreo, in una famiglia ebrea? “Ebreo ebreo ebreo… ebreo ebreo… “Ebreo ebreo ebreo, è tutto quel che dico. Ebreo ebreo.” Perché continui a dire “ebreo”? Perché continui a dire “ebreo”? Sono al bar dell’aeroporto con te. Devo parlarti, ma puoi smetterla di ricordarmi che sei irrazionale, una frase ogni tre? Sono come le persone che adorano il loro segno zodiacale e devono buttarlo in qualunque conversazione stiate facendo per definire se stessi? “è buffo, sono della Vergine…” “Ecco il mio essere Vergine che viene di nuovo fuori…” “Devi scusarmi, sono un po’ perfezionista, “è perché sono della Vergine.” No, è Perché sei un rincoglionito, e continui a rompermi le palle tutto il giorno, non ha niente a che vedere col tuo segno zodiacale o qualche allineamento delle stelle, è perché… sei una testa di cazzo, ed è ora che ti assuma la responsabilità individuale per quello che sei. Non ti comportare come se, i tuoi genitori avessero scopato un mese prima, adesso mi daresti da mangiare wurstel al chili fregandotene altamente. Sei un coglione. Sii te stesso, ma… “Sono ebreo, ci sentiamo naturalmente colpevoli, è una cosa da ebrei.” No, è una cosa da te. Tu, quello stronzo su quella sedia. Non c’entra il giudaismo. Se ti senti in colpa, forse hai un carattere debole, Forse sei colpevole di qualcosa, cazzo, non lo so. Forse hai appena rubato una bottiglia di Jager dal mio freezer e… ma non ha niente a che fare con un’antica tribù di bla bla bla, non è inscritto nel tuo DNA. Ok? Secondo la stessa logica, discendiamo tutti dalle scimmie, ma io non butto “scimmia” in ogni conversazione, non uso “scimmia” per definire me stesso, né uso scimmia come scusa per defecare nella mia zampa senza pollice e poi lanciarla contro di te. “Scusa, ti ho… ti ho forse appena schizzato con… feci bagnate? Scusa, “ho una ricchissima educazione da scimmia, “un forte retaggio scimmiesco, io… sono una scimmia scimmia scimmia… scimmia scimmia scimmia… Perché non ho nessun valore in quanto individuo.” Chiunque, chiunque si definisca esclusivamente sulla base della loro razza, religione o nazionalità, se è quella la prima cosa che dite… “Chi sei veramente?” se è la prima cosa nella vostra pagina di MySpace… “Sono un irlandese-americano…” Che cazzo significa? Non avete niente di meglio. L’Università che avete frequentato e qualcos’altro, ma usate quelle… banalità del cazzo perché non avete niente da dire. Inutili! – Ben detto, Doug! Si’… Non ho più un cazzo da dire. Non in questo spettacolo, ho della roba che ho messo su carta, ma… nel lungo periodo, penso che non avrò più un cazzo da dire. Cazzo, sto cannibalizzando il mio… sono diciassette anni, che altro puoi dire? Se dovessi morire presto, non dite mai che sono morto troppo giovane. Ogni volta che un artista muore giovane… non so, tipo nove giorni prima che io compia 40 anni, se avrò ancora quel 3 davanti al mio numero, forse diranno che sono morto giovane. Se avessi un 4, sarei morto troppo presto, forse. “Non è morto tanto tardi quanto avrebbe potuto.” Ma ogni volta che un artista muore giovane, Kurt Cobain o chiunque altro, la gente fa sempre: “Che cosa triste! “Aveva ancora cosi’ tanto da dare.” E che ne sapete? Magari non aveva più un cazzo da dare. Che ne sapete? è morto. Ha guadagnato un sacco, ha provato tutte le droghe, vi ha scopato in tutti i buchi. è il sogno americano. E quando l’hai raggiunto, fai: “Oh, ecco Perché lo chiamano sogno: sono cazzate, sono ancora vuoto.” E ha tirato le cuoia. Forse… Come fate a sapere quanto aveva ancora da dare un artista? Come fate a sapere che, se Jimi Hendrix non fosse morto, non sarebbe finito a fare duetti con Elton John durante l’intervallo del Superbowl? Rocket man! Fareste: “Che tragedia! Perché non è morto? “Era il mio eroe, non voglio vedere questa roba! “è patetico, cazzo!” Come fate a sapere che, se Lenny Bruce non fosse morto, non avrebbe preso il posto di Andy Rooney alla fine di 60 Minutes? Un vecchio coglione scorbutico con le sopracciglia ispide che si lamenta delle commissioni dei bancomat e della scrivania in disordine. Che ne sapete? Magari non ha più un cazzo da dire. Tornando al nazionalismo… il nazionalismo non fa altro che insegnarti a… odiare persone che non hai mai incontrato… all’improvviso sei orgoglioso di imprese in cui non hai avuto alcun ruolo e te ne vanti. Come gli americani che dicono: “Fanculo i francesi! “Fanculo i francesi, se non gli avessimo salvato il culo in due guerre mondiali, “a quest’ora parlerebbero tedesco.” Oh, siamo stati noi? Eravamo noi? Siamo stati tu e io, Tommy? Abbiamo salvato i francesi? Gesù… So che mi sono un po’ stordito dopo il quarto cicchetto di Jagermeister, ieri sera, ma… non mi ricordo… so che siamo passati dal Mc-drive a prendere uno di quei Crispy McBacon che sembrano cosi’ allettanti nella pubblicità, ma quando l’abbiamo ordinato e ci siamo accorti che eravamo senza soldi abbiamo dovuto sgattaiolare prima della seconda finestra… e quei tamarri dietro di noi che sentivano la drum’n’bass probabilmente hanno beccato la nostra ordinazione e ci abbiamo riso su, ma non mi ricordo che abbiamo salvato i francesi! Per niente! Ho controllato le ultime 10 chiamate del mio cellulare e non ce n’è nessuna fatta o ricevuta da francesi in cerca di una mano per qualcosa. Ho controllato i miei pantaloni e non ci sono macchie di fango sulle ginocchia di quando stavamo… scannando crucchi nelle trincee a Verdun. Credo che “noi” non abbiamo fatto altro che guardare papere sportive mentre ci stonavamo. Penso… che “noi” dovremmo stare zitti, cazzo. Tutta quella roba… la tradizione, il retaggio culturale, è il bagaglio di gente morta. Smettete di portarvelo dietro. “L’hai inventato tu?” “No… mi è stato passato” “E tu ripassalo.” Ogni discorso sull’immigrazione che si sente… non viene mai da… beh, che effetto ha su di te, personalmente? “Beh, sai, questi immigrati vengono nel nostro Paese “e gravano sulle nostre tasse, Perché vengono qui “e si inseriscono nel nostro sistema educativo e nell’assistenza sanitaria, “e io pago le tasse per pagar loro quelle cose.” Beh, e tu che cazzo fai a me ogni volta che hai un figlio? Ogni volta che hai un figlio, per il fatto che è americano dovrei esultare e sventolare una bandiera mentre 15 di quei cosi escono da te, pagando… oh, non vedo l’ora di pagare per questi, sono americani! Ho una vasectomia e un aborto nel mio passato, ma non vedo l’ora che i tuoi fottuti bambini testoni del Mid-West escano fuori da te. Che sei, cattolica? Avanti, sii feconda e riproduciti! Divertiti! Mi troverò un secondo lavoro. No, continua… “Questi cazzo di immigrati, non parlano la nostra lingua!” E tu non gli parlare! Ti ho risolto il problema, detto fatto. Sai chi parla perfettamente la tua lingua? Il tuo vicino. Vivi la’ da 8 anni e mezzo e non gli hai mai rivolto una cazzo di parola! Distogli lo sguardo, se controllate la posta nello stesso momento. Allora che cazzo te ne frega di cosa parla il tizio che vende Going su una bancarella nel parco? Non sono cazzi tuoi. E tutti questi discorsi stereotipati tipo: sono pigri, non si vogliono sforzare… sono criminali, eccetera. Tutti questi discorsi vanno contro il principale discorso stereotipato secondo cui rubano il lavoro agli americani. Vivo al confine col Messico, a sette miglia dal confine, in un… paese, Bisbee, Arizona, un paesino… Posso andar lì ogni giorno e guardare la polizia di confine arrestare questa gente a dozzine, undici alla volta, dentro una Dodge Omni, come una macchina piena di clown, con le manette di plastica… E avete ragione, non parlano l’inglese e probabilmente non hanno nessuna istruzione. Non hanno neanche le scarpe, metà delle volte! Sono a piedi nudi… dei naufragi cenciosi, come sulla spiaggia dell’isola di Gilligan… Hanno le magliette sporche e sono disidratati per aver vagato nel deserto per 4 giorni… E se questo tizio è qualificato quanto te per il tuo lavoro… sei uno sfigato di proporzioni cosi’ epiche… e umilianti… che io mi vergognerei se qualcuno scoprisse che quel tizio mi ha rubato il lavoro. Non parla inglese! Cos’è, ti hanno insegnato il lavoro mimando, testa di cazzo? “Vieni a vedere… poing poing?” “Ho capito, poing poing!” “Levati dalle palle, testa di triglia, ho trovato uno più qualificato. “Stronzo fottuto, dovevi fare di meglio.” Nessuno si lamenta che gli immigrati gli rubano il lavoro se ha delle abilita’ di un qualche livello. Non un fottuto neurochirurgo mentre è seduto nella hall di un albergo a Beverly Hills. “Sai, mi rode proprio il culo, Barry… questi scandinavi vengono qui a rubarci tutti i posti in neurochirurgia. “I norvegesi in particolare. “Facciamo che… ci scoliamo una bottiglia di Jack Daniel’s e andiamo a scovare un culo norvegese! “Il primo norvegese che becchiamo… noi… saltiamo fuori dal SUV e lo meniamo. “Fottuti immigrati. “è iniziato tutto con quell’Einstein, “quando l’hanno portato dalla Germania “non avevamo nessun buon lavoro da genio. “è stato un effetto a catena.” Vi rubano il lavoro… Odio, odio, odio. Paura paura paura, odio odio odio! Abbiate paura, avanti, vi rubano il lavoro, sono terroristi che vogliono far esplodere proprio la vostra Ford Focus… “Questi fottuti… “Giro sempre con l’Amuchina, se tocco la maniglia “c’è una nuova febbre, un’influenza, “siamo una generazione di finocchi sobri, responsabili, noiosi, idioti sterilizzatori di mani, “e non riuscirò a togliermi i germi dalle mani abbastanza rapidamente. Ho paura! “Fottuti finocchi. Finocchi…” Cerco di limitarmi, uso “finocchio” troppo liberamente, ma la uso come sinonimo di debolezza. Non sottintendo nessun significato sessuale. Se sei gay, sei qui dentro e ti senti offeso, ti aspetterò alla porta all’uscita e ti succhierò il cazzo solo per dimostrarti che non intendevo offenderti… non lo faro’ con violenza, né ti tirerò per le palle come se fossi fatto di coca e fosse l’unico modo in cui riesci a venire… Te lo prenderò fra due dita e… ma solo per dimostrarti che non voglio essere irrispettoso, Perché è una parola troppo dura per lasciar stare. “Finocchio” è una bella parola. Sapete, ho una piccola ferita sul labbro, proprio qui, che fa il paio con quella che mi si è aperta sul cazzo per lo stress. Si’, beh, sapete che vi dico? Sono stato un giocatore, non uno spettatore, nella vita, uno che guarda l’herpes come uno skateboarder guarda un ginocchio sbucciato. Quando giochi parecchio, non è questo grande problema. E non me ne frega più niente di voi. Sono vecchio, non me ne frega un cazzo. Comunque, andiamo avanti. Stavo tentando di scivolare nell’argomento della pedofilia, ma… non posso più scivolare, saltiamoci dentro a piè pari, va bene? Gli orchi di internet! Sono molto popolari in televisione. Quel cazzo di Catch a Predator, MySpace, quelle cazzate, si’… Ma non lo so, Perché… sono stato un bambino, un tempo… non me lo ricordo, ma ci sono le foto… Ma… ricordo che non c’era internet, ma… per farci evitare gli orchi, i nostri genitori dicevano: “Figlio mio, non parlare con gli sconosciuti, “alcuni di loro potrebbero tentare di scoparti.” E tu: “Grazie, grazie. Grazie per l’avvertimento.” E poi te ne andavi per i fatti tuoi. E quello non funziona con internet, oggi? Non devi fare più il genitore? “Oh, internet!”, come se fosse un modo strano di evitare il “non parlare con gli sconosciuti”, che cazzo! Se siete genitori e siete qui dentro, so che non volete sentirvelo dire… ve la prenderete con me e direte che sto… manipolando i fatti, che ho torto, ma ecco la verità: probabilmente… un’enorme probabilità… Quando dico “probabilmente”, intendo probabilità astronomiche… il superenalotto, probabilità statistiche… Probabilmente nessuno vuole scoparsi vostro figlio. So che non volete sentirvelo dire, volete pensare che quel bambino sia ultra-scopabile, che tutti i pedofili si stanno contendendo la posizione migliore davanti all’altalena. Aspettando che escano da scuola dopo la prima ora. “Aspetta!” “Non quel bimbo tarchiato, il piccolo O’Neal, puntiamo tutti a quello. “Dammi il cinque!” Se voleste che vostro figlio fosse scopato, per provare ai vostri vicini e al vostro quartiere residenziale che vostro figlio è più attraente del loro, e faceste uscire vostro figlio come un’esca e lo vestiste con un’uniforme da scuola cattolica per ragazze, senza mutande, e lo faceste saltellare su un trampolo fino a scuola… in modo che i suoi carnosi quarti posteriori rosa si rivelino in modo allettante al traffico… riuscirebbe probabilmente a finire la scuola senza essere deflorato. E allora sembrerete proprio degli stronzi quando tenterete di vantarvi con i vostri vicini durante il prossimo cocktail. “è solo grazie a Dio se nessuno l’ha mai scopato, “è solo per la mia stretta vigilanza e per il lavoro del… mio parlamentare che ha fatto approvare un sacco di leggi su internet “se non è mai stato scopato.” Se fossi un genitore, preferirei che i pedofili stessero su internet. Non ci sono più pedofili al mondo di quanti ce ne siano mai stati. Si comportano come se internet creasse dei pedofili laddove non ce n’erano. Se fossi un genitore: “Se dovete esistere comunque, statevene su internet!” Restate a masturbarvi nel vostro scantinato nel South Carolina. Non come col vecchio metodo, quando andavano per davvero nel cortile della vostra scuola ciondolavano per il parco giochi con degli Smarties su una lenza tentando di pescare al volo il vostro piccolo, dalla Oldsmobile. Continuate a farvi seghe su internet. Basta che non scopate bambini, è questo l’importante, no? Basta che non scopino i bambini, dovreste preoccuparvi di questo! Ma no, cazzo, il procuratore generale dice che il suo obiettivo principale è porre fine alla pedofilia. Ma se la prende con internet. Non se la prende col tizio con i bambini e la videocamera. Vi incutono questi timori per ottenere un maggior controllo del governo nelle vostre vite, più leggi, più… “Oh, no, non voglio essere responsabile di mio figlio, “occupatene tu, signor Governo. “E se me ne dovessi stancare, voterò semplicemente per l’altro partito.” Quello si’ che cambierà le cose. Ma basta… La pedopornografia dilaga su internet. Avete visto? Il procuratore generale: “Dobbiamo porre fine a questa pedopornografia che dilaga su internet. “C’è bisogno di un maggiore impegno del governo, Perché…” Io non ho mai visto pedopornografia su internet. Ma ne ho vista di qualunque altro tipo: perversa, grottesca, a volte stimolante, sempre intelligente… ogni altro tipo di pornografia che due bulbi oculari possano assorbire. Se ti masturbi invano fatto di coca quando sei intasato di neve e te lo meni finché non squilla la tromba, perché le troie non rispondono al telefono a quest’ora… sai che non funzionerà, non concluderai. Hai una gomma per cancellare morta in mano. “Svegliati!”, lo prendi a pugni. “Sveglia, cazzo, dimmi qualcosa! “Eri sveglio quando abbiamo comprato questa roba, svegliati adesso!” Poi inizi a cliccare su link porno a caso, ci sono pop-up ovunque, “Quella roba sembra buona, cliccaci su.” Vai ovunque e vedi solo merda, non è mai quello che dice. “Studentesse diciottenni amatoriali porche in azione”, poi ci clicchi su ed è qualche fottuto… porno con bondage e clisteri, un fottuto… porno con amputati, baldracche incinte, mamme che allattano scopando, ragazze senza tette. Lo so, sembrano strane, ma esistono tutte. Roba di cui ridere: porno con i nani, è buffo a dirsi, ma esiste davvero. è come un porno-diversivo comico che guardo dopo che mi sono masturbato su qualcosa di enormemente… sgradevole. Faccio: “Andiamo a farci due risate ridendo del porno coi nani… a qualcuno piace questa roba! “Che sfigati…” Ma esiste tutto! C’è tutta questa roba e non ho mai visto uno che scopa un bambino. Ho visto tre vecchie checche… andate sul mio sito, sul forum del mio sito, sul serio. C’è una discussione che si chiama “Lo tsunami della fica”, dove questi tizi postano le immagini più disgustose per sfottere gli altri. Tre vecchie checche, tre vecchi sulla settantina che sembrano come qualunque… sapete… adepti della Loggia del Leopardo col fez, pero’ nudi, uno succhia il cazzo a un altro e gli altri due pomiciano molto appassionatamente… che fa anche più schifo del pompino, Perché gli altri due coi capelli bianchi… Ho visto quello, non ho mai visto la pedopornografia. Ho visto ditalini al cazzo su internet. Li avete… Ditalini al cazzo! L’ho visto diverse volte navigando a caso su siti porno. Un dito nell’uretra maschile! Oggetti nell’uretra maschile! Ho visto ditalini al cazzo diverse volte, ma non sono ancora riuscito a vedere qualcuno scopare un bambino, per caso. Allora, se… se la pedopornografia è dilagante su internet… probabilmente qualcuno sta praticando un ditalino al cazzo in questa stanza, mentre parliamo. Non ho bambini, se… se ne avessi… quando la gente ha figli diventa fottutamente debole e ha quel… difetto genetico che la rende… desiderosa di proteggerli, ma vuole che altra gente, come il governo, lo faccia per lei. Non… non ho figli. Forse la penserei diversamente se ne avessi. “Beh, ma vorresti dei figli?” Non lo so. So che ho avuto un aborto… con mia moglie, e… credo che siano passati cinque anni, e voglio solo dire che… fu un’ottima scelta. Ogni volta che salta fuori una marcia antiabortista sulla “Roe contro Wade”*,  trovano una fottuta stronza piagnona dal campo caravan la mettono dietro un podio, le danno una pacca sulla spalla per darle attenzione e lei fa: “Me ne pento ancora adesso. “Ho abortito Perché mi trovavo nei guai, “vorrei davvero riavere quel bambino nel mio…” Noi? Non andiamo d’accordo su molte cose, io e mia moglie, ma… concordiamo sul fatto che quella è stata la miglior decisione che abbiamo preso. Sono passati cinque anni, siamo ancora contenti di aver ucciso il bambino. Cinque anni dopo, ancora contenti, ancora felici. Niente sensi di colpa, rimpianti… Abbiamo un sacco di rimpianti su come abbiamo gestito la relazione, ma la questione del bambino non è mai stata sollevata. Cosi’, per dire. Nel caso voi arrivaste a quel punto: “Oh, lo rimpiangerò per sempre.” Noi no. Non sentirete quella parte della storia. Tanto per dire. Ho… ho un… ho un un volantino antiabortista che… che mettevano sotto ogni tergicristalli in un parcheggio in Texas. C’era la foto di un feto morto, sul davanti. Sapete quanto gli attivisti per la vita siano innamorati della foto del feto morto… fanno una foto di un feto abortito, tornano a casa, la ingrandiscono, la mettono su un cartello, la portano alle loro marce di protesta e te la sbattono in faccia alle 9:30 del mattino… “Ecco cosa fa l’aborto! “Non distogliere lo sguardo! Questo è l’aborto…” E tu: “Sto solo andando al bancomat, non sto entrando in questo posto. “Lasci libero il marciapiedi, signora, ho un cerchio alla testa. “Probabilmente vomiterò comunque.” Ma… l’idea è che quell’immagine dovrebbe essere cosi’ inquietante, cosi’ disgustosa che da sola basterà a cambiare radicalmente il tuo punto di vista sull’aborto. Come se il parto di bambini vivi fosse cosi’ bello da vedere! Quando quel mostro vivente ti lacera letteralmente per uscire… è tutto ricoperto di sangue e mucose, moccio che vola dappertutto e quel coso fottuto grida… tu che gridi, tutti che gridano. Tuo marito che vomita nella mascherina chirurgica, mentre cerca di mantenere un contatto visivo confortante. E ora la tua fica e il tuo ano sono stati lacerati fino a diventare un unico grande tombino infetto aperto. “Guardalo! Non distogliere lo sguardo!” Oh, si’, mettetemi una foto di quello, sotto il tergicristalli, la incornicerò e la metterò sul pianoforte. è adorabile. Un piccolo tesorino. Ma quest’altro abortito, pacifico e congelato che sta steso… tutta la notte su un cuscino accanto a un righello è disgustoso! Vergogna! Come ho detto, ho avuto un aborto, ci ho preso parte. Non sappiamo cosa ne è stato. Quando abbiamo abortito, ce ne siamo andati e basta, non gli abbiamo messo un’etichetta all’orecchio, nè siamo rimasti in contatto. Rintracciandolo sul GPS: “Ma dove…?” Amici di penna… no, ce ne siamo andati, cazzo! Quindi se vedessi una foto di un feto abortito… una parte di me si farebbe qualche domanda. “Stevie, eccolo li’! Mi assomiglia un po’, dai! “Avanti, un pochettino… credo che abbia il mio broncio.” Se hai avuto un aborto… rende davvero tutta l’idea… l’intero concetto di paradiso molto più sconcertante. Se hai avuto un aborto… per quanto irrazionale o illogica sia quell’idea, pero’… è deprimente pensare che, se esistesse il paradiso e attraversassi la luce bianca arrivando ai cancelli celestiali, quello sarebbe il tuo primo parente morto ad aspettarti. Tutto arrabbiato e immusonito. “Oh, guarda chi c’è! “Oh, si’. Si’, ce ne hai messo di tempo, eh? “Pare che ti sia divertito molto, laggiù. “Sai che mi hanno fatto delle foto? Mi hanno fatto delle foto! “Mi hanno messo accanto a un righello, Cristo!” Would you know my name… Allora prendo il volantino… c’è il feto morto sul davanti… sul retro c’è tutta la solfa propagandistica pro-life… In basso, il tizio che stampa queste cose per mestiere, per divertimento o per profitto, o qualunque sia la sua motivazione, mette il suo nome e il suo numero di telefono, in basso, nel caso tu ne voglia ordinare altri. E sono ubriaco e ho un telefono. E il tizio risponde al telefono, non è nemmeno un’azienda, nemmeno… è un tizio che risponde al telefono, nelle campagne del Winsconsin: “Pronto?” E voglio sfotterlo, ma voglio essere originale. Da ubriaco, non voglio tentare di affrontare questo problema con la logica. Perderei solo credito sul cellulare, è come prendere a calci l’acqua in salita, non si puo’ fare. Allora quel che feci, quando gli risposi, fu attaccarlo da un’angolazione ancor più conservatrice, accusando lui di essere il peggior tipo di pornografo pedofilo sul pianeta! “Questo è disgustoso! “Non credo a quel che sto guardando, signore, “c’è un bambino in questa foto! “Non è una scelta, è un bambino. “E col fatto che lei distribuisce fotografie di bambini nudi… nel mio quartiere… sta attirando i molestatori di bambini più perversi del pianeta! “In questo istante… molestatori necrofili di bambini prematuri “si stanno masturbando come scimmie frenetiche in gabbia “sulla sua opera, signore. “Non mi dica ‘m-m-m-ma’! “Lo sapeva quello che faceva. “Avrebbe potuto aggiungere un bikini a quel bambino… avrebbe potuto disegnarci un raffinato costume intero… ma ha deciso di non farlo, “Perché è questo che la fa eiaculare “e spero che bruci all’inferno!” Clic. Non vengo qui spesso… sono contento di averne avuto di nuovo la possibilità. Così… così posso chiudere alla grande dicendo: Fanculo gli Yankees! Voglio chiudere mandando affanculo gli Yankees! Fanculo gli Yankees. Fanculo voi e i vostri Yankees. Fanculo gli Yankees. Si’, fanculo gli Yankees per tanti motivi. Volete che ve li elenchi? Per prima cosa, hanno comprato la loro squadra. Si, hanno comprato la squadra, hanno speso più soldi di tutti, è normale che vincano. Si, ok, cazzo… se avete investito soldi sugli Yankees, è diverso. Se avete investito soldi su una squadra, fate pure, tifate per quella squadra. è come avere delle azioni di una società, hai un investimento, tifi per quello. Ma se dovete essere un qualunque alcolista scoppiato che beve birra troppo costosa sugli spalti e paga troppo per il parcheggio, se volete gridare per una squadra, abbiate un po’ di carattere e scegliete un’outsider. Se gridate tanto per gridare, scegliete un’outsider! Perché no? è normale che gli Yankees vincano. Quindi per voi, essere dei fan sboroni e arroganti per questo motivo, è come andare in un Casino’ e tifare per il banco! E fare gli stronzi in proposito. Come se andaste al fottuto Casino’ indiano… sedendovi dritto dietro il tavolo del Black Jack e diceste: “Oh, il croupier ti ha fatto il culo, troietta, eh? “è il mio croupier, cazzo, l’ho scelto, “indosso il berretto del croupier. “Ho speso i soldi del mio cibo per il berretto. “Ho fame.” Che cazzo è? Fanculo gli Yankees soprattutto… Perché sono loro il motivo per cui voi dovete andare fuori per fumare una sigaretta. E il motivo per cui hanno bandito i grassi insaturi nel cibo. In questa città vi dicono come mangiare, come vivere, cosa potete fare a casa vostra… Hanno appena vietato… stanno tentando di vietare… i fottuti I-pod sulle strisce pedonali… La corte suprema di questo Stato dieci giorni fa ha approvato il divieto di ballare nei night club, qualcuno lo sa? Nei night club! Non nel fottuto Utah, non come in Footloose: a New York City! Siete dei duri, vero? Cazzo, ve ne state in piedi come delle troie, fumando all’aperto, vi dicono cosa potete mettere nel cibo, cosa potete mangiare, dove ballare, dove camminare, “Non posso usare il cellulare al volante della mia auto, “sono un duro, cazzo.” Prima di dire in giro che duri siete, fareste meglio ad andare in bagno a sciacquarvi via un po’ dell’odore del cazzo di Bloomberg dal buco del culo, perché mi sembra che siate solo le troiette del Comune. Ed ecco perché dico: fanculo anche gli Yankees. Perché era per gli Yankees che andavate marciando, pompandovi e facendo i bulli, quando sareste dovuti andare in 60.000 al Comune con un cazzo di megafono appena qualcuno solo avesse menzionato il bando del fumo. Voi cazzoni dovevate essere in 60.000 a fischiare e tirare batterie al tizio che l’ha proposto. Figli di puttana distratti! Me ne devo andare. Ci vediamo fuori per fumare. Non sto qua per un applauso. Qui scorrono i titoli di coda. Fa parte della cosa. Preferirei andare lì dietro. No, sedetevi. Non voglio questo. Non è vero. State mentendo. Ma mi piacete comunque. Fanculo! Va bene. Su, sedetevi in silenzio. Sarebbero dei titoli di coda migliori se voi… sarebbero titoli di coda. Sarebbe vero per circa il 60% del mio show. Va bene. Posso andare, ora? NOTE “Roe v. Wade”, una sentenza della corte suprema che legalizzò l’aborto negli USA

1686241563-67

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Lenny Bruce: The Berkeley Concert (1965) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lenny-bruce-berkeley-concert-1965-full-transcript/

Recorded December 12, 1965 (released 1971, produced by John Judnich and Frank Zappa) Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hahahaha, you like this? Be weird I have no pants on… The ecumenical council has given the Pope permission to become a nun…just on Friday’s. I can’t work with this thing..it’s a…isn’t that funny? Backstage I really loved it and I fooled around with it, but I can’t it’s too…uh…I’ll work around it. Does it look religious? It looks sorta religious… Yeah, heh heh…that’s it. That’s faith and goodness. And veneer. There’s more Churches, and people that work for the Church then I think there are eh, courthouses. And Judges. So actually what it is, Catholicism is like Howard Johnson, and what they have are these franchises, and they give all these people different franchises in the different countries and they have one government and when you buy the Howard Johnson franchise, you can apply it to the geography, whatever’s cool for that area. And then you pay the bread to the Main Office, and you have to keep a certain standard. Which is cool. But it is definitely a government by itself, and I think that’s what we’re doing in Vietnam. Because the Communists are a threat to those jobs. That’s where it’s at, and I think that’s what it’s always been, that those two factions are always bitchin’ and fighting with each other, and so actually we have the Catholic government inside our government, and they have this bitch with the Communists because they’re always fighting over the work, you know, and when they take over they do them out of a gig, so what happens is that… because Catholicism is here, and the people who work for it are here. And that’s another big problem, the people can’t separate the authority and the people who have the authority vested in them. I think you see that a lot in the demonstrations, because actually the people are demonstrating not against Vietnam, they’re demonstrating against the Police Department. Actually against police men, because they have that concept of the law that the law and the law enforcement are one, and it started: “So we’ll have to have some rules, that’s how the law starts, out of the facts, let’s see. I’ll tell you what we’ll do, we’ll have a vote: we’ll sleep in Area A, is that cool? OK good. We’ll eat in Area B, good? Good. We’ll throw our crap in Area C.” So everything went along pretty cool, everyone is very happy. One night everybody is sleeping, a guy woke up pow got a face full of crap, and said, “Hey what’s the deal here, I thought we had a rule? Eat. Sleep. And crap. And uh, I was sleeping and I got a face full of crap.” So they said, well, ah, the rule is substantive. That’s, see, that’s what the 14th Amendment is, it regulates the rights, but it doesn’t do anything about it, it just says that’s where it’s at. We’ll have to do something to enforce the provisions, to give it some teeth. Here’s the deal, if anybody throws any crap on us, while we’re sleeping, they get thrown in the craphouse. Agreed? Guy goes, “Well, everybody?” Yeah. “But what about if it’s my mother?” You don’t understand, your mother will be the fact, it has nothing to do with it, it’s just a rule. eat, sleep, and crap, anybody throws any crap on us they get thrown right in the crap house. Your mother doesn’t enter into it, everybody’s mother gets thrown in the craphouse. Priest, Rabbi’s, they all go. Agreed? OK, agreed. OK, now going along very cool, guy sleeping, pow he got a face full of crap. Now he wakes up he sees he’s all alone this guy, and he looks and everyone is having a big party. He says “Hey! What’s the deal I thought we had a rule? Eat, sleep and crap, and you just threw a face full of crap on me.” He says “Oh it’s a religious holiday! And, uh, we told you many times that you were going to live your indecent life and sleep all day you deserve to be thrown crap on you while you’re sleeping, and the guy said “bull shit”. A rule’s a rule and this guy started to separate the Church and the State right down the middle pow. Here’s the Church rule and here’s the federalist rule. OK, everything going along very cool, and guy said, “Wait a minute, although we made the rule and…how we gonna get somebody to throw somebody in the craphouse? We need somebody to enforce it. Law Enforcement.” OK, now they put the sign up on the wall WANTED LAW ENFORCEMENT, and guys apply for the job. “Look, here’s our problem, see we’re trying to get some sleep and people keep throwing crap on us. Now we want someone to throw them right in the craphouse, and I’m delegated to doing the hiring here, and, so, here’s what the job is…They won’t go in the craphouse by themselves, and we all agreed on the rule now, and we firmed it up, so there’s nobody get’s out of it, everybody’s vulnerable they get thrown right in the craphouse, but you see, I can’t do it cause I do business with these assholes and it looks bad for me, you know…So I want somebody to do it for me, ya know, so I tell you what, here’s a stick and a gun and you do it. But wait til I’m out of the room, and whenever it happens see I’ll wait back here and watch you know, and you make sure you kick em in the ass and throw them in there. Now, you’ll hear me say a lot of times that it takes a certain kind of mentality to do that work you know and all that bullshit, but you understand that’s all horseshit, just kick em in the ass and make sure that it’s done. So it happens that… Now comes the riot, or the marches, and everybody’s wailing and blopblopblopblop. And you got a cop there who’s standing with a shortsleeve shirt on and a stick in his hand, and the people are yelling Gestapo! at him! Gestapo? You asshole, I’m the mailman! Gestapo!? Now. What it is, I think that the people really want to beat the devil. Where that started was with the early, early missionaries. I think that they didn’t really…that’s why the people never could really separate the authority and the people with the authority vested in them. Because, you know with the savages they would teach them the religion, and after the speech the savage would go, “Well, are you God?” “Well, no…but heh heh, what the hell, you know…well, just never mind that, and eh, I can do you a favor, you do me a favor that’s all and, I think that’s the hang up in our country right now, is that, cause you always hear that kind of story about the peace officer who pulled the speeder over and the speeder turned out to be the governor, and he had the audacity to give him a ticket. So the fact that the people repeat that story, so much, that means the people don’t believe that the governor could ever get a ticket, man. So then it’s just the degree of the law that the governor could break. That means he can kick you in the ass, but it’s bullshit, it’s really not that way, cause everybody’s vulnerable, yeah everybody’s ass is up for grabs. It’s really a groovy, eh… groovy system, and I think that, well the problem I had a long time of understanding the law is because of the language in the law and the fact that instead of taking each word and finding out the case that the word related to, once when I get lazy, and I would apply common sense. And then I got really screwed up. That’s really weird, I went to the Supreme Court three times trying to get a writ of mandamus, and they kept sending it back, the clerk, they kept saying what the language said append the copy of order in respect of which the writ is sought. And I keep sending this copy of the lower court, they keep sending me back in respect of which the writ is sought. Then I dug, in respect of which, They use the word “of” like I use the word “to”. And ‘respect of’ means this kind of respect. In respect “of it”. So what they wanted, the Supreme Court, we want our judgement that these cats should respect us. Now the Supreme Court, right now there’s some bullshit now with obscenity. There’s an obscenity circus that’s been going on for five years. And I think, I really can’t believe that it’s not settled yet. An illiterate view of the law is that, what’s obscene is dirty screwing and fancy screwing. If a guy can tear off a piece of ass with class, then he’s cool. But if the author depicts factory workers, who are not expertise with stag shows, then it’s obscene. Which is just nonsense. A lot of the confusion maybe with the obscenity laws is this: it’s that, the judges who are confused just didn’t read. Here’s how it works: if a guy gets busted, see, and he raises a federal question and the appellate court answers it, that answer is mine, and yours. That’s equal protection from the law that decision, that one court. So in 1933 when a judge got Ulysses trying to come in the country, you dig, and the customs and tariff people said uh-uh, you can’t bring that book in, you can’t come in the country, it’s obscene. So these people said, no we want the book to come in and we want to knock of the injunction to restrain and they move forward. The judge said OK I’m gonna read the book, but I’m not gonna apply this Hickman rule anymore. The Hickman rule says that, uh, we should judge this book by the part, the portion of it, to the guy who gets horniest, quickest. The most corruptible mind in the community. I think, said this judge, we should apply to the average man, the reasonable man, the man with the normal, average sex instincts. To that cat. Then they add the balance, contemporary, to his average age, so to the guy, the average sex instincts, to his average age, his society, that’s all attested. So that means that that rule, when any judge has to judge any work, he always has to apply that rule first, and that was cool. Now goes, they said, well we better narrow it, because what’s happened here is that there is a lot of works of art, that may get people horny, and there’s a Los Angeles ordinance now in 1961 this guy got busted behind, and the judge said “I don’t need any art critics, I know what’s obscene.” But the judge didn’t know in that local court that that wasn’t the question this guy was asking. He said this ordinance is unconstitutional because it doesn’t have knowingly in it, and that’s the principle of the whole American law system, your intent. So how could I know it schmuck when these people told me in the book jacket that this is art. So it, doesn’t, the intent has to be there. So the lower court said bullshit, and the Supreme Court said bullshit to the lower court. And that’s when I started getting into trouble. Because from ’61 on came the argument between petulant lower court judges and the Supreme Court and spoiled rotten D.A.’s. When they lost the case…the city attorney in Los Angeles, every time he’d lose in Washington, I’d get my ass kicked when he got home. Just bitchin’, bitchin’, bitchin’, and still freed the Supreme Court, they keep movin’ ahead, movie’ ahead, their gonna do it their way. Now comes the California legislature, 1961. And the legislature here are geniuses and they came up with some kappa words. They said, what’s the sense of making the artistic merit of a work the defense to a prosecution? Because after the guy’s busted his ass is in jail. Then he has to defend himself. Let’s take it out of the defense to a prosecution move it to an element of the offense. Now it’s a crime to be utterly without artistic merit. That means the guy who makes the complaint the burden is on his ass, to prove it. He’s got to schlep up 50,000 art critics. And after they, if they would accomplish that…You know a lot of people say, well jeez, can’t you find anything that’s obscene, is there nothing obscene? Why we have this desperate need for it now is so many lawyers lost their ass on it, that it seems only right that we should have it. I mean, can you tell me nobody can commit treason? I mean Christ, then to you nothing’s treasonous. No it’s very tough, it’s very tough to stop the information, that’s where it’s all it’s at. Because the word the guy says is of no consequence. What the Constitution forbids is any bar to the communication system. They want nobody to abridge the right to say it one time, and one time to hear it. Nothing in the middle, nobody to tell you before hand that this isn’t too cool, because the information makes the country strong. A knowledge of syphilis is not an instruction to get it. And only if the country can know about…that’s why the Church and the State have to be separated all the time because the Church only wants a certain kind of information from their government, but since we have a lot churches and a lot of different people in this country, we gotta know about all the bad, bad shit, the worst of everything. The knowledge of it to be protected against it. Because if you don’t have a knowledge of it, and you just know about the good, and they just let the good come through, seeping through what they think is good, you end up like Hitler, cause he really got screwed around by that. He kept saying, “Am I doing it right?” “You’re doing great, they love you.” “Don’t bullshit, they don’t like me” “They love you, don’t listen to those liars. Kill him, who said that?” You really gotta separate the judicial, executive, and the legislative…and the most dangerous department, just the department itself, is the police, the District Attorney. Not the man, but the department is very dangerous for him. Cause it will gobble him up, and the whole reason for the Constitution was that there was like one King, he was the executioner of everything. So they said how we’ll do it now we’ll really make it safe, we vote on the rule, eat, sleep and crap, that’ll be the law constant, then if anybody busts us for eat, sleep, and crap, breaking the rule, they have to go first to the judge, the judge has to look up the book, and then he’ll make a round robin. Otherwise, no one guy. What happens, two hundred dollar police undercover girl investigation. Two hundred dollar call girls. Now there was no warrant for search. Now the Fourth Amendment and all those things because of a bad kiss ass newspaper have been turning into protection for thieves, but it’s not. It’s to protect the executive branch from becoming thieves. Because what happens, without judicial superintendents, in other words, if, if the executive branch can make any inquiry at all without a judge signing it, then he can go the whore house every night, and he can spend two hundred bucks a night getting laid every night and when he gets caught, “What are you doing?” “I’m investigating.” But if he’s got a whore house warrant for search, then there’s no bullshit. Then when the crap rule comes in, you, you, you, you, and you, no I’m investigating, there it is, cool. Describes particularly what I was searching for, what the complaint was. Because what happens is that you’ve… the money spent on a two month undercover investigation of hookers…maybe $15,000 dollars,, no when you go to court, the whore is on the stand she’s not gonna say she got $15,000, she’s gonna say “I didn’t get a nickel!” Cops gonna say, “Well, what do you expect from whores.” Maybe he didn’t get the fifteen grand. And that’s where, that’s always the desperate need to control vice. That’s what all the bull, that’s what all the pornography is. If you check the records, there’s not one citizen that bought a dirty book. Every case has been initiated by the police department. So it’s not literature they, just, it’s a big smokescreen. There’s money spent on those books. A fortune pissed away. How many copies of Henry Miller? And they don’t even read em, so it’s all bullshit. Uh, five dollars, OK, three dollars, certificate…then when it really gets dangerous is, see, what happens, it’s poor people who, like, get hung up with good and evil, except it’s like, right and wrong. It’s like Prohibition. Chicago is still crippled from that, from the disease of Prohibition. What happened is that the moralists who thought they were moral didn’t realize what was happening, they kept saying “yes keep the Prohibition on” meanwhile the cops are making bread on gamblers, and nafka’s and swinging. When it’s the law out in front, then nobody has any excuse. No priests can be in a whorehouse, blessing, kissing them, saving them. No cop can be, no bullshit, everybody’s up for grabs, that’s it. Stay out of there, that means everybody, no protecting, no local home rule whores. My position is that, since the Constitution says that, there has to be judicial superintendents, that there, no peace officer has any place talking to anyone or making any inquiry whatsoever, search warrant is prerequisite to the inquiry. Because if he’s allowed to make any investigation, for a noise even, then he’s allowed to make determinations of who looks suspicious, and the only people who look suspicious to Jews are Irish drunks, so it’s all bullshit conclusions. Who could look suspicious? So we got suspicious looking people, we got N i g g e r Town, Whore Town, Polack Town, Kike Town. Yeah, it’s … you can’t hear the noise, unless he sees the crime, solid. Otherwise he can take the police car, and stick in two ex-convicts, friends of his, and say “Look, here’s the area that I’m sworn to protect. We’re gonna break in this warehouse and I’ll lay outside dead. We’ll haul the shit away in my car, if anyone comes on us, we’re investigating, and if we get caught in the interim, we just caught you. Alright, solid? Solid. Well the Sally Stanford thing for Christ sake, they had a different gimmick there, the guy was off-duty, he had an off-duty detective agency, so that gave him an excuse to carry a piece. Yeah, that’s really…that’s a lot of bread, a lot of money. What’s happening, the crime rate see has disappeared almost, and the task force that we hired, are getting bigger and bigger and bigger. There’s never any layoff in the Police Department. Well, here’s what I think happened to the crime rate. First thing, the basic need to steal is like for coal, you know, you’re hungry, alright, so now the economy is up, so that went disappear-o. OK, now there’s a second need to break the law was for some sign of, you’d have some status, there’d be some virility. OK, the fact that now we have health and safety, give these people analysis, that screwed that in the ass, cause no one wants to be sick. So as soon as it could be helped, that screwed up that whole scene. Now there’s just nothing left. Narcotics, now they finished with heroin. I think in 1951 there was like about seven thousand dope fiends in this state and 50 narcotics officers. Today there probably about 15,000 narcotics officers and four dope fiends. 1500 nihiling, testing stations, lupometers…and they got four dopey junkies left. Old time, 1945 hippies. One guy works for the county, undercover, the other guy works for the Federal heat. OK, so finally they went on strike. “Look we don’ use dope anymore, we’re tired.” “C’mon out, we’re just after the guys who sell it.” “Schmuck! Don’t you remember me, you arrested me last week. I’m the undercover guy for the Federals.” “Uh, I thought he was the county guy.” it’s like Sambo running around the tree. He works for the Federal, he works for the County. “Look we’re after the guys who sold it to you, OK” “Nobody sold it to me, I bought it from him, I told ya.” “Um, well we…just point out one of the guys.” “Don’t ya know him? There’s four of us, I told ya that.” “Just tell us the names of the guys, cooperate now. Tell us everybody.” “OK, he was a Puerto Rican. He drove a Green Buick.” “OK, we’ll wait for him, OK.” Three days of that schmucky investigation…”Is that him?” “Well I think it’s so an so…I think he was Hawaiian anyway..” “OK, don’t forget, if you hear from him.” “OK, I’ll call you the first thing.” OK, now they finished up with that nonsense, and they says, “Let’s see now, we’ve got all these hospitals, you mean to tell me you guys are going to screw up that rehabilitation program? You mean to tell me that you’re, if you’re not using any dope, you certainly know some people that need help.” We don’t know anybody, we don’t know anybody, please…I can’t use anymore dope, I don’t like it.” Well, you really are selfish, that’s really, you really don’t care about anybody but yourself. You know we have a center to rehabilitate people with 1500 empty beds?” “I know I’m shitty that way. I’ll try, but…OK.” OK, so now they’ve got dangerous drugs. Now the insanity in that area, is that the reason that Heroin is verboten it’s no good for the people. Its…it destroys the ego. And the only reason we only get anything done in this country, is that, you wanna be proud of it, and build up to the neighbors, and if the opiate schleps all that away, and the guy goes, the top comment he’ll come up with, the guy who builds the building, is “Hey that’s cool..” and that’s it. So it’s no good. It’s no good for everybody, and that’s why it’s out. But that’s…the Source is no good. That’s where it goes right to the source. But dangerous drugs, the connection is Park-Lilly. It’s Olin Mathieson. The source is not bad for the people, so the only difference between the felon is the guy who can’t afford a prescription. So they legislate against poor people, which is really schmucky. Marijuana…I don’t smoke shit, I’m really glad that I don’t smoke it, I’m really gonna…in five years it’ll be legal. But then no one will smoke it anymore, you’ll see. Most of the law students I know smoke marijuana, that’s why it’ll be legal. Yeah. You know what I’d like to investigate? Zig-Zag Rolling Papers…Yeah, bring the company up on that. Now we have this report Mr. Zig Zag, certainly it must’ve been unusual to you that Zig Zag papers have been in business for 16 years and Bugle tobacco has been out of business for five years. This committee comes to the conclusion that the people are using your Zig Zag cigarette papers to roll marijuana tobacco in it . Aww, shit, that’s right. Lot’s of it. Rolling it and smoking it. You know, I really felt sorry for that cat, what was his name, Wallen….Grand Kleagle cause it’s a repeat of the Communist witch hunt. The fact that the Ku Klux Klan, one guy lynched people, that means that anyone who ever belonged to it and knows about it lynched people, which is bullshit. So what they do, and it’s really… when your ass is on the pan like that I’m sure it’s really frightening, especially when they take you…did, they didn’t…where did they hold that investigation? Oh, that’s really outrageous then, cause they can’t do that, it has to be in the district, he has to be tried by his peers, no matter what, in his district. Because when you take him out of his district, there’s one trauma, cause you take him in a whole different geography, and Southerners are, they’re people of the Earth, they don’t…they’re…it’s a different country. Religious people, and the talk is different then North, and they’re rappin’ questions at him, and he like hears one out of every ten words. And he just, is really frightened, just… Dig those schmucks, they’re pissed off – “You’re really not real Ku Klux Klan, you’re not spending the money on rope. You’re having good times with it.” Is that ridiculous? This poor cat didn’t want to admit that he was an American citizen. He kept saying I refuse, I refuse, I decline, and that asshole Time magazine, really make always make it seem shabby, the Fifth Amendment. he declined so many times, he mumbled it, and declined, declined. naturally the cat didn’t want to admit anything cause the last time he admitted anything at the Constitutional Convention the carpet baggers screwed his grandaddy ass, that was it, bye-bye, so he’s very weary and wary of the North, because he knows it’s a whole different scene. And it’s amazing that the Southerner, has no hostility for the Negro, the same way as the court has no hostility for me, they have the hostility for the people that defend me. That’s why they yell all that shit/play drop the n i g g e r, to bug them. So it’s the banner fighting between those two people. Oh. Lotta dues. Lyndon Johnson, they didn’t let him talk for the first six months. It took him six months to learn how to say knee-grow. Nig-ger-oh. OK, let’s hear it one more time Lyndon, now… OK, let him pose again, ok..neig-ar-oh…no…can’t you say, look, say it quick, knee-gro! like that. N i g g e r-oh-oh n i g g e r-oh…I can’t help it! i can’t say it that’s all! I can’t say n i g g e r-oh, pissin’ in bed and everything, stuttering, I can’t, what the hell, big n i g g r o-oh nahg-raw…let me show em a scar…no no no. Just say it, and say it, that’s it…yeah, he’s completely confused. Well, really, that family is so…that’s really…there’s a certain kind of non-Jewish look, that, they could pass any test. They are the biggest non-Jews in the world. No question they walk right through the line. The wife with the white flannel satchel, a zipper up the front, with red nail polish…she’s beautiful. She looks at home in a trailer park. Yeah. Dig. There’s…here, it’s so strange. Not the people necessarily involved with the religion but the religion itself, Catholicism. A genius religion. Three years ago I was wondering, I used to do a bit, four years ago, Religions Incorporated, so my view at that time was here’s a rich church, Catholicism, next door is poverty, so it’s hypocrisy. Obvious view, So I started digging, digging, reading really getting into it, and I realized, the reason for the baroque Church, the grand Church in the poverty neighborhood, is that, what the Church is is a school, it’s a method of instruction. And people who have no understanding, who need instruction, don’t know about Philosophy, they can only understand material things. So a raggedy ass guy won’t go into a raggedy ass temple. “I live in a shithouse, why’d I gotta go in one for?” But if you show him something nice he can understand then you can instruct him. So the ecumenical council really are geniuses and they make some tremendous moves. So I figure there’s a group looks to undermind them. Somebody talked Lyndon Johnson’s daughter into converting. That sent the religion back two-thousand years. That dress she had on, she looked like a Guatamalen slave. Real Philomena at the wedding there, with it’s, terrible, looked like a National Geographic picture. He’s-uh…yeah he’s it’s…showin’ his scar is beautiful, that’s just-uh, that’s just where it’s at, he’s a shit kicker. He’s just a….Yeah, it’s a…it was a mistake. Yeah, cause the presidency is a very sophist….Kennedy was just, yeah just a genius at organization, a sophisticated man, and sophistication just means knowledge, learning a lot of background there. And the other guy is, uh….I’d like to get some tapes of those people, what goes on…yeah, that would really be a treat to hear them. I was just thinking of the guy, you know the picture of Oswald when he got shot. That’s Lyndon Johnson’s relationed face to the other guy, with the big, you know that guy with the hat on? Like a big Texan, “Oh Shit”. To be that obvious, to be able to react, “OHHH EAAHHHUH”. Check out that practice, so you don’t get yelled at. “UHHHH UH EAAAHHHUH” You know, why Ruby did it, uh, this is subjective, but….cause he was Jewish, and uh….You know I really wanna…I’d really like to tell you that, I wanna tell Christians that…that….Why I can tell it to you because it’s all over now, ya know. I wouldn’t cop out when it was going on, but it’s, it is all over now. Up to about six-seven years ago there was such a difference between Christians and Jews that, but maybe you did know. But…you…shewww…forget about it, just a line there that was just…And the brotherhood of Christians and Jews was like some fifth column bullshit, I dunno, it was like a phony dummy board. Yeah, because…No, I don’t think so, I don’t think the Christians did know it, because only the group that’s involved…it’s like the defense council knows it because he has a narrow view, where the D.A., he’s hung up with a bigger practice, so it’s the same with the Jew is hung up with his shit and maybe the Christian…because, uh, when the Christians say, “Oh is he Jewish? I didn’t know, I can’t tell when someone’s Jewish” I say well that’s bullshit. But he….can’t, because he never got hung up with that shit, you now, who is he Jewish, and Jews are very hung up with that all the time. Why Ruby did it, see…when I was a kid I had a tremendous hostility for Christians my age, the reason I had the hostility is that I had no balls for fighting, and they could duke. So I disliked them for it, but I admired them for it and there was a tremendous ambivalence all the time of admiring somebody who could do that, you know, and then disliking them for it, and the neighborhood that I came from, there were a lot of Jews so the problem, there wasn’t a big big problem, and my elders were not concerned with punching. But Ruby came from Texas, and a Jew in Texas is a tailor. What went on in his mind, I’m sure….”If I kill a guy that killed the President, the Christians will go ‘Shewww…boy what Balls he had! We always thought the Jews were chicken shit but look at that. A Jewish Billy the Kid rode out of the West!'” And the Christians will hug him and kiss him, and love him, and boy they’ll say ‘Oh boy he saved everybody’. But he didn’t know that it was just a fantasy….from his grandmother, telling him about the Christians, who punch everybody. Even the shot was Jewish, the way he held the gun, it was a dopey Jewish way. Ha ha! Real d’Artagnan. He probably went ‘nah’ too, that means “there” in Jewish, “nah. Nah” Yeah, it’s…and Belli didn’t um…he forgot the geography. No, it’s the same kind of law, it really is in the words, you just have to speak them slower in that area and you have to dress…there’s just a few kinda changes, but they don’t change the substance of the law, it’s like, as good a case as I can have with you, if I pick my nose, although it’s not dishonest, it’s just gonna lose it, ya know. So Belli didn’t wear the right suit, because anybody who’s suit fits em good in the South looks like a damn pimp. And he should have known that but the fact that he was offended with the judge chewing tobacco, see, cause that’s the natural thing down there. There was like a dopey picture I saw going around and it said “This is your local Police Department” and it showed some kinda cops in a Southern place, and they were laughing and the guy, oh, smoking a cigar, that’s was it. But that’s just the behavior in the Southern court, and the fact that everyone was laughing they don’t know that Southerners are just…they’re child-like in that area, they’re not sophisticated with picture taking. They see a picture, you smile. That’s why they’re always smiling in the pictures , they’re not arrogant, but they’re just, you’re supposed to smile when you take a picture. And the Northerners are just hipper, they do the cool…So Belli trying to sell those jurors anything, the voir dire must have just broke their balls, you know. That qualifying must have really got ’em good and crazy, you know you have two days to…whadda ya….yeah any attorneys here forget that, the…If I was an attorney I would grab the…here is here’ll be my pitch to the jury. First place, no qualifying, I pick… no challenges at all. First jurors come up, there the jurors. “You jurors, you people think a lot of the community because you vote, and that’s why you’re jurors. Give’em all a hundred bucks a piece and get ’em laid, and that’s it.” I’d be a terrible Law Professor, “What’d he say at the end there?” “Give’em a hundred bucks and get ’em laid.” “Professor, can we talk to ya…the conclusion that you made there, give ’em a hundred bucks and get ’em laid” “Yeah, yeah get ’em laid, it all counts.” “But that don’t fit with the beginning of the conversation.” “Well it’s all bullshit, you gotta figure round.” “Ah, he’s bottled out, get him..” Yeah, Belli talking to those people, he sounded to that jury like the Southern attorney would sound to Greek-Irish-Italian Northern jurors. “Look here now Jurors, I like Italian people, that’s first off, I see we got some Italian people here by the…I’m gonna take you, a little story now, this buck n i g g e r and this Jew boy wahhhhhh! “What’d the hell everybody get so hot for?” “Just shut up, don’t say anymore.” “What’d I say, it’s a cute story, everybody gets a kick out of it.” “No they don’t, just shut up….I can’t explain it. You look South, you’re hairs wet, I don’t now what it is. Just dummy up, that’s all.” uh-huh….F a g g o t s….Dig, isn’t the argument against pornography that, what the pornog–selling the pornography, making it available to the public, is that the man is happily married, or he’s just a happy cat, and you come along now with some matter that the main thrust of the matter, the predominate appeal is to his prurient interest, and what you’re doing is entrapping him, you’re inciting him, something that the guy wouldn’t be thinking about ordinarily, you’re getting him horny. You’re getting it up, and you’re not getting it off, and you’re creating a clear and present danger and it’s worthless…and so that’s the objection to it, and that’s a valid objection. But the consistency necessarily follows that the guy who–when I hear about f a g g o t s who get arrested in toilets, and I say, “How’d you get arrested in a toilet?” “Well, I accosted a peace officer.” Well, ha-ha, that’s certainly no concept of reality there. “Well I didn’t know he was a peace officer.” “Whaddaya mean?” “Well, he didn’t have a uniform on.” “Well he wasn’t wearing a costume was he? He wasn’t wearing a low-cut gown, because what a low cut gown to a f a g g o t must be is tight Levi’s and a padded basket, like uh…I mean, he wasn’t wearing Levi’s and leaning up against the urinal like sultry like that…cause if he was that’s bullshit. Because he was appealing to your prurient interest, and entrapping you. You can’t do that. It’s a funny thing all the different stages that we’ve all…my generation was, well…me, I’m amazed by any guy who can go into a public toilet and do anything but piss and leave. Guys who can wash their hands are amazing to me. I just go ehuhehuhwwwshhhupout. Don’t ‘I want to talk to you’ “Not in there, are you kidding?” Yeah, cause if someone says, “What are you doing in the toilet?” “I don’t know…” “The hell are you doing in there? Did you make?” “Yeah, I did it…” “Alright, now hang around here, okay..” So I saw, dig what I saw, a beautiful change. I went to…Phil Spector had like a big rock & roll jamboree at Tammi’s, filming it, so I went there and I see this ten year old kids there all kids, like nine and ten years old, with no parents. So my first thought was like, what the hell, unattended, but I saw it’s like a whole different generation, everything was very cool. Nine and ten year old kids! It’s ten o’clock, eleven o’clock at night…My generation, children out at night, lurking in the bushes….I would never have the nerve to talk to any strange chick. She’s a really beautiful chick, I’d never have the nerve to hit on her. In a house, somebody introduce, solid. But guys who can like drive past in cars and go hello even, the reason I have never had the nerve is that my mother and my aunt, the way they reacted to guys, the way they told me, everyday they would come home and tell me stories about some guy that was behind the bushes exposing himself. There was a band of dedicated perverts who spent their whole life in trick positions…”Ok jim, whoo-hoo hello lady there, eh bup-bup the bushes there, ok aging seven you’ve got your position by the book, eh the newspaper, you flash, the hat, ok…you-hoo here we are here! Find the schmuck in the bush. Yeah. invidious discrimination. All waiting for them. So I know what everything is. I said “Nema, you’ve got the market cornered! We’ll film these guys, I mean they’re amazing how they…the elevator doors open up “Whoo-hoo here we are!” How do, when they separate my mother and my aunt, one’s running and so and heh, and pocketbooks, and they’re ready, boy. That pocketbook. I figured that after all these years they were really bullshit stories, like little guys always telling about, “And I said you big prick you.” Those little guys will always tell you about they knocked the shit outta this big guy, so it’s my mother and my aunt telling me this nonsense story about a pocketbook ‘and I give a hamayoupow.” Maybe that was a dopey lie, telling me they were good women everyday, right. Missed a guy, and I give em a good pocketbook, a dopey big black pocketbook at everybody. With a good parrot scream byeahhh!! Eh-heh! I know my aunt never did it to anybody. Ever. I just know it, I know I know I know. She was bald. My aunt was bald, the bald headed lady. Little teeny teeny hair. And wrinkled. And a cameo. A little little lady, she was very neat. And go “krinphkrinphkrinph” like that all the time. Krinphkrinph. There aren’t those kind of people with tics anymore, someone who go, guys really like, drive across country with those guys you’ve really had it. Ticcers, heh-ha. They’re gone all those. I think midgets are gone. And they’re only certain kinds midgets who are real midgets. They’re are no Jewish midgets. A true midget is, he’s got dirty blond hair, and neat as a pin. Little brown shoes and they’re this big. I wonder if….are Pygmies midgets? Colored midgets. Wonder would a colored cat get offended, listen any relation between Pygmies and midgets? Wouldn’t Governor Wallace shit? Demonstrating, a bunch of Pygmies. Ahhhhgh! Give em salt, give em salt, that’s all, that’s a, yeah…yeah, it’s really…Little teeny midgets, those kind I’m talking about, they’re really patties. And where do they get they’re bread from? Who supports them? They don’t pay any income tax at all. There’s a lot of people screwing our government. So don’t be too nice to them. Cause we’ll drag you up before the House of Un-American Activities Committee. Just by encouraging them, by omission. It’s your duty as a citizen to bust their ass, and demand, “Where are you getting your money from?” They hate to be picked up, they hate that. That’s why I hate them, they don’t want to be hugged. Heh-heh, I picked one up, see, and he got mad. “Put me down!” “Ok, but you’re so cute, I pick ya!” They comb their hair with soap. Bela Lugosi’s son is an attorney. Is that weird, he passed the Bar. He must hear those dopey jokes all the time. I loved that, when he got arrested, he was a dope fiend, Bela Lugosi, I almost shit. The Monster. He was the worst advertisement for rehabilitation, he was a dope fiend for seventy years, he cleaned up and dropped dead. The scene is…I was gonna relate him to Christ. Did you read that in the paper? Was it geologists, this is a vague recollection I have of it. That it was the custom at the time, Christ was crucified, for Jewish women to give the people who were about to be crucified a drug that would put them in a death like trance, and that this happened, that Christ’s mother gave him the drug, and that he was…that’s, wow. That’s amazing if that’s true. Ruby gets paid back. How the Negro and the Jew got into Show Business. The Negro had a boss that worked him twenty hours a day. So he wanted to get off a couple of hours, and the guy “Get back to work.” “I don’t feel good today.” “Don’t mind that bullshit get back to work, back to work.” He kept coming up with different gimmicks, “my kid’s sick” “back to work.” Couldn’t–kept trying to come up–how can I “Hmmm hmmm ohhh Lord” “Hey! I didn’t know you guys could sing.” “Ohh oh Looord ohohhh Lord.” “Hey, put the hoe down, come over here, lemme hear that again.” “Llooord oh my Lloorrdd” “Can he sing? He sings” “Ohhoh Lloorrdd.” “Hey get some wine, this is ok.” They partied, and the weeds went over everybody, right? And sang their ass right off the farm. Now the Jew had a hipper boss. You couldn’t bullshit the Egyptian that quick. No. Jew kept working at it, working…”Never mind the horseshit, thank you, we’ve got the pyramids to build and that’s where it’s at. We’re gonna get it up, it takes your generation, next generation, you do a nice workman like job, here.” “Oh thank you.” “Get outta here with that horseshit, now stop it now. Becoming very fine, very fine.” What a gig, right, you know you got another forty years on the job, shewww…what, that’s a, shewww…you still can’t get a piece of straw through there. So the Jew kept working at being charming, working at it, even though he never carried it off, but he got so good at it that was his expertise. “Hey, let’s go watch the Jew be charming. Hey Jew, do that charming bit for us there. We know you’re bullshitting, but you do it so good we get a kick out of it. So now the Jew has got theater. He’s the actor. He’s the charming actor. Now he has the show business industry knocked up. He has the film industry, he controls it, he’s writing the pictures, making the images that people are the good people and bad people. Now you never see any Jewish bad guys in movies ever. Ever, ever. And you see a lot of pictures about Christ, a ton of religious pictures. In the most respectful position. And the reason that is, I’m sure, the way of the Jew saying “I’m sorry.” That’s where it’s at. And I wanted to do a film showing, because I’m sure that day in the cell, it’s just like, it’s in the tank, you know like four, five, six people in the cell there, and there was Gestas, Dismas, and okay they’re gonna get crucified, this guy was probably crapped out in the corner, Gestas and uh…”OK, you two.” “What?” “You’re gonna get crucified today.” “Oh, get my file down here, that’s bullshit.” “Ok, get ready all you guys, you’re all getting crucified in this cell.” “Look, I’m the good thief, what are you bullshitting me for, I’m in here for checks!” “C’mon you get ready, you’re getting crucified.” “Heh-heh, I’m not getting crucified, get my file down here. I’m the good thief, I’m here for petty theft, you understand? Checks. I’m not gonna get crucified now. I don’t know what the hell this guy is doing, but, uh, good luck to him.” OK, now he sees their getting them all ready and they’re moving him. “Hey! What the hell are you kidding with this shit? I’m not getting crucif–hey, mister, do me a favor, there’s a mistake here, they think that I’m with you for some reason here. Christ says, “Don’t worry you’ll be with me.” “C’mon with that, I’m not with you, now tell em, c’mon it’s no joke now, we’re going up the hill here.” He’s praying, and everybody’s praying and pushing him. “Hey c’mon wit—get the Public Defender. C’mon this is bullshit now!” Now they’re up on the cross. “Hey mister, please before it’s too late, do me a favor, ok? Tell em?” He says,”Don’t worry, you’re with me…” “Stop saying that, will you? I’m not with you, ok? I mean I’m with you, I like you, but stop telling these assholes that I’m with you. They think I’m with you means that I’m with you, that I conspired with you, I don’t know. Look, don’t be pushy, I like you, ok? I don’t know what you’re talking about, I woke up I’m getting crucified, I’m here for checks, I can’t get crucified. I’m being denied due process, I’m entitled to do my time for checks first. And I don’t wanna get crucified, I can’t go now, ok? I’ll meet you later. C’mon, don’t be pushy now, okay? Okay, mah? they all went. And the guy came back…”Hey? You’re right. I knew you weren’t bullshitting, but heh-heh, I had a lot of faith in you, but you meet a lot of weird people in the joint, you know? You relax, I’ll talk to the press, that’s all. Then he started to wonder about if the Messiah is gonna come back. Moses is hanging it up. They tried to get him back like five times already and he will not come back because he’s embarrassed. Charlton Heston is 6’3, he’s 5’1. And he’s vain. “I can’t I’m a schmuck…” “It’s what ya got up here” “Nah…I ain’t got no clothes anyway, I’ll look weird. And I’ll get my teeth fixed.” “Nah” The Pope is too much. He looks like the Birdman of Alcatraz and Eichman combined, yeah. He waver…”Arrive arrive…” He’s really cute, he’s a little bird, bloobloobloo….I wonder what was goin’ on in his head there. Spellman looks like Shirley Temple. That’s what I got in trouble for in New York, for saying that. Heh-heh…but a Priest told me that! That’s what burns me up. Ha-ha! That’s what really pissed me off. That’s a spynce Shirley Temple. Ha! That’s funny Shirley Temple, that’s good imagery, right? The Post Office. Do you know how much I love the Post Office? I love the Post Man so much. I really feel that’s the only place where the authority and the man are one. That’s the man, they’re incorruptible. I don’t know anybody who knows the Post Man’s name. They’re really snotty man, it’s a…who’d have the audacity, “Come on over have a drink, leave the truck there..” I feel that the Post Man, the people that work for the po–and it’s amazing, no, there’s no, they’re maintaining any order there, no police authority, just cool Post Office. There’s always a Japanese guy behind the registry window and zaszu…Heh, it’s a trick thing to have a treaty, one Jap, one szchupbupup, heh! I know, that they’re the true Law, because with the Law, the Law’s not concerned with your purpose, with how noble it is. And the Post Man wouldn’t let a package go three cents light for the Rabbi’s Priest’s ass. He won’t get off it jim. “Are you kidding you want all those people to die for four cents?” “Sorry, knupk” Who would have the audacity to ever to try to cross that line? “Look I know where the package is..” You kidding me with that? “Open the box up right now, it’s mine…” hmm-hm. No one would even say that to him. Even if he had a gun, hmm-hm. There’s always a certain kind of wait, always somebody…if I ever heard of a theft at the Post Office I’d die. “What?” “Oh yeah, they opened up the mail and they’ve been reading letters, and…” “Nyaugch” Like that, Post Office, going through snow and sleet. But they don’t like when dog’s bite them. That’s one thing they won’t put up any shit. The dog bites? That’s it, we’re not delivering anymore mail to you. Dig what balls the Sheriff in Sacramento county had. His dog bit the Post Man, Post Man said no more mail, he said bullshit we’ll give you no more protection. Haha-ha. Schluffa they don’t need it. They got the stamps hidden. I have a book here I want to show you. Debby is a Nun. It’s another trick, a little Lyndon Johnson trick. This is a Bess magazine. What if he catch me reading this shit all the time? “This is your reading material?” “It certainly is. Photoplay, are you kidding?” “You’ve got guts!” Editorial page, ayda-eda look at the ads, Cutex, World’s Most–oh it’s all lady kinda ads…Adjustable Dress Form…I didn’t finish the story about uh, the Nun story here, lemme find it…there’s no more movie stars. Doris Day. Rock Hudson. Why Elvis locked himself in his bedroom for three days. Patty Duke. The few: There’s too good to be true, that’s the end of the two stories, now the fold out Post Man, heh-heh. Smart. The Study of Art. Hudson. Blew it, there’s not an interesting thing, I can’t lie to you. Try one more time. Okay, let’s see…Dorothy Malone’s First Interview After Her Brush With Death. Frozen. Look at that balcony up there…hope none of you guys are doing your usual chicks in the balcony. Don’t bring any heat on me, you know. Do your pervert stuff in the newsreel theater, but not…no, ya gotta time and a place you know…..heh. Ok, oh ok, I Increased My…With The Fabulous Mark Eden method I increased my bust measurement from a 34-B to a full 36-D i just eight weeks. They always give you time limits right? Just so you know you got something to look forward to. Ding-boom. Barbara Hayes received her Mark Eden Bust Developer and course on April 1, 1965, on which time her bust measurement was 34-B and eight weeks later n May 20, 1965 her bust had increased to a full and lovely god damn! A lovely 36-D! That bitch is hunchback. But we kept our promise we didn’t say it was comin’ here somewhere. The Mark Method just builds your back up. This amazing increase–I know that they put–they, the guy that makes the copy for these must know that these are gonna be read in jail because that’s the onlybody who’s got time to read all of that shit…hah. Just forever and ever and ever. This amazing increase in bust size and contour is achieved solely through the faithful use of the Mark Eden bust developer and of course during that time Barbara was adding these firm and lovely inches to her bustling, her weight did not change, her eating and living habits did not change, the only change she made in her life was to spend a few minutes each day practicing the fabulous Mark Eden method. Her bust line developed in the privacy of her own home. As you can see from her after, in quotes, photo, she has certainly achieved a most attractive, full, and shapely bust line for her efforts. She wants real numbers like that, hunch over, elbows pushing forward there, and standing on her head. Uh, Barbara Hayes is one of the many many hundreds of women across the United States who have ordered the Mark Eden Bust Developer and who through its use, are reporting gains–that’s good devious writing. Barbara Hayes is one of the many many hundreds of women across the United States who have ordered the Mark Eden Bust Developer comma and who comma through its use comma are reporting gains of two three four and even more–that one letter we got was tough. She says “You name it, it’s not stopping.” We get letters from women who were flat chested and now feel like real women for the first time because of Mark Eden…Who are you Mark Eden? A damn rascal, you, hah-hah.” Are there any real tits left? Damn your silicone. Are they real? I told you they’re real. How will I ever know though? Will you take a lie-detector test that those are your own tits? Yes, I told you. I can’t believe, you can’t….they’re too real to be real. Here’s the thing, this-this, I don’t see any chicks that turn me on anymore, ya know…but think, I ah-h, here’s how I now I’m getting old, cause I really did go through, I says, I haven’t seen any girls that really stimulate me, that look good to me. And you, it’s really corny, but dig what I miss: lipstick and powder. Is that weird? I like em with paint on em, ha-ha! To smell like ladies. Lily, lipstick, and powder. Now if I really get racy, pancake makeup. And a cheap, black, crepe dress that’s low-cut. Make a book up, see, and the book on its face will look like….it’s one of those very erudite How To Make Out, Same-Sex Marriage, those kinda nut books, ya know. But if you follow the instruction of this book, you never make out at all. Ever. Really constructed so that’s a zero no-score. Sell it for $45 in plain wrapped brown paper. Now in it says, it says, Instructions: Always go over the house for dinner and meet the folks. And don’t forget when you go over the house and meet the folks, you compliment, and it’s just the dialogue the guy is supposed to use, say, say to the father, you know, “Oh Mr. Johnson, boy your daughter’s got a terrific shape on her, ha. God bless her, boy she gotta a body I’m telling ya. And your wife has got a nice shape on her too.” Then, when you’re out on a date, they like little jokes, it’s, then there’s a certain kinds, maybe not for this generation, my generation, certain kinda things that you just couldn’t say, just verboten, that just cringe, embarrassing things, that no one ever, here’s a kinda….stab your heart joke. Just keep saying’, “Whaddaya got the rag on?” Keep saying that, they like that, they get a kick, they like people who are frank, “Whaddaya got the rag on? Whaddaya got the..” keep saying’ it all night, that’s ah okay. And then, when you’re in the car, if you just ask them in a nice way for it, just say, and be cute about it, use euphemisms, double entendres. Say, “Oh, I wonder if I could get some nookie?” That’s very cute. “Oh boy, I wonder who’d give me some nookie, boy I wonder.” And they just think that’s so cute, and you’ll get it right away. And just say extra things, like “Boy I would, would I appreciate it, hah, that always, boy I’d appreciate that boy. I’d tell everybody what a nice person you were too.” I think that, a lot of marriages went West, ya know they went split up, uh, my generation, ladies didn’t know that guys were different, I mean different…it’s very tough for chicks to realize that although we speak the same language, that yer, you can have babies that’s j-j different ya–your so, it’s like, no guy ever cheated on his wife, ever. But ladies….would get hurt and wanna leave the husband because they thought the husbands cheated and they never did cheat because what cheating means I know. To a lady, it means kissing and hugging and liking somebody. You have to at least like somebody. Guys that doesn’t enter into it, all the time, no. Ladies are one emotion, and guys detach, not consciously detach, but they just do, detach. Like, a lady can’t go through a plate glass window and go to bed with you five seconds later. But guys can have head on collisions with Greyhound busses. In disaster areas. Everybody’s laying dead on the highway, not in the hospital, in the ambulance, guy makes a play for the Nurse. “How could he do a thing in a time like that.” “Well I got horny” “What?” “I got hot.” “How could you be hot when your foot was cut off?” “I don’t know.” “He’s an animal! He got hot with his foot cut off.” “I guess I’m an animal, ess-es-eh…” “What didja get hot at?” “The Nurses uniform..” He’s a moron, that’s all, he’s just an animal, he’s a…. No it’s…guys detach, and has nothing to do with liking, loving. You put guys on a desert island, they’ll do it to mud. Mud. So if you caught your husband with mud, some how you could get over seas there, “Mmuudd!! Don’t talk to me, that’s all….you piece of shit, leave me alone, that’s all. Go with your mud, have fun. You want dinner? Get your mud to make dinner for you” that’s all. That’s-a it’s just that’s you can’t get angry at them, you can’t wanna leave them for that at all, no, it’s hum…You know, and that’s just subjective, in retrospect I really got a kick out of it. Getting divorced, the only true get even device, because I’m really convinced that no guy ever leaves a chick, you know. When chicks get cold, they really get cold, sshwooo…That’s, it’s over, really, when it’s over with them it’s really over, and guys can’t ever figure that out, they always figure there’s one more time there. And the guy is like, ss-I can’t-ss, well, I boump-boump-boump. Yeah, cause-eh, here’s what I figure it is, you always hear chicks say, ya know, “Oh I wish I could meet a man, someone with some dignity, a guy I can walk all over, you know, can really be a man-a man” but chicks don’t know that, it’s, guys are like dogs. You know you take a dog, you beat the shit out of him pow! ” Keep a “NEUUH-NEUUH-NEUUH”. Pow keep coming back. Ladies are like cats, you yell at a cat once, Siamese cat, shhhht their gone. So that kinda quality that ladies are looking for, you really want a guy to act like a lady. Cause those are lady like traits, that kinda spunk and they don’t need anything. I forgot what the fuck I was talking about…heh. I blew it completely. Where was I? I went up to za-zuh…hum…hah. Those television shows, really. Once in a while if I lose it you know and then try to bullshit and do this a while but then if it’s really gone it’s gone, so….Ya see, that’s where, the problem of being a performer, and a Judge can get away with that shit, ya know. “Hmmmmmnnn”, you know just completely dunked out, ya know. “That’s, I’ll take that under consideration” yeah, yeah. Let’s see I was here….oh, oh yeah I got it, good. I won’t lose it again but I’m trying to think where the thread of it was…oh yeah, OK. The Get Even. So the only Get Even you can have with a chick, cause they leave you, are the kids. That’s the only Get Even, that’s the sweet revenge: Get the kids. But you can’t be that obvious with it, you know, just get the kids because I want to get even with you, you shithead you. So the, all the struction, the foundation is “I went over there the kids wet” heh. Schmuck, then all of a sudden “The kids, I’m not gonna, the kid’s not gonna live like that, every time I go over the kid’s wet, the kid’s wet. Everytime, the kid she don’t take care of the kid, the kid’s wet, and uh that’s it. I’m taking that kid away from her because the kid’s wet. She’s having guys over there. “You saw any guys?” “No, but, when the kid’s are wet, that’s it. Take the kid, I got custody of my kids now, I love my kids. You’re not gonna be with that tramp anymore, blah-blah-blah…” “Where are the kids?” “With my grandparents.” Very good, uhm-hmm-hm….Now it’s, usually what happens is break up time, just like the first…if you’re gonna break up with your old lady, and ya live in a small town, make sure you don’t break up at three o’clock in the morning cause your screwed, there’s nothing to do. You sit in the car all night, park somewhere. Yeah. So make, at least, ya know, make it about nine in the morning so you can go to the five and ten and bullshit around and, worry them a little and come back at seven at night, ya know….”Oh, yeah never mind….I’m getting an apartment, that’s all, that’s eh..” Yeah because if you, eh, a bad break up then it’s like a long time break up. If you’re married seven years then you gotta kick for two. Oh yeah. I think there must be a mitzvah time. i think if you’re married fifteen-eighteen years, you get divorced, then you must lose your mind. Yeah they get senile, then they people, they get whacked out. There’s a certain critical area they’re married about seven-eight years where you really throw up for a couple of years. No really just “ORGHJK-YKKGGHH”, you know. And, the weird, if you broke up and you go anyplace alone, there’s always mamzers who ask you about you’re wife. “Where’s your old lady?” and I said, Chinese restaurants, “Where’s Momo? How come you don’t bring Momo in here anymore? Such a beautiful girl, where’s Momo?” “Look, I’m divorced.” “Oh, you better off. You don’t need her.” Where’s Momo…Now if you, go back together, the danger time, and here’s back to the religion again. There’s only one person you’re supposed to confess to. They are. Not anybody else. Priests, solid. But not husbands. They have no authority vested in them to hear any truth. So don’t listen to any of their shit, ya know, because what happens, when this–go back together, guy calls up, “Hello Vera, the only reason I called you, you left some of your crap over here. I don’t know a handkerchief, a gloves. Listen I wanna come over, we’ll shoot the shit, let’s see. Pay the tax bill.” Alright, back together, maybe kissing time, hugging time, in bed time. After bed time. “Hey Vera, uh, when we were broken up, didja make it with a lot of guys? Don’t be silly, said I don’t mind you can make it with anybody, don’t bullshit me….what the hell, it’s good for the goose, good for the gander. We were legally separated, I made it with a lotta lotta chicks, you’re entitled to make it with a lot of guys. I’d just like to know, for the hell of it, didja make it with a lot of guys? Howmanynanac’mon don’t bullshit me, I’m not gonna hit you now, I wanna know! I’m not gonna get mad, just for the hell of it, who did you make it with?” Don’t tell him, don’t cop out. Never cop out, if they got pictures deny it. Flat out. Just tell ’em it was some fag hair dresser, that’s all…thatsezya. Because if you ever do cop out, oh yeah, shih-shooo! “C’mon I’m not gonna get mad, tell me, I’d just like to know for the hell of it.” See, that’s what chicks don’t know about guys, that they…it’s that entrapment. Maybe it’s because their father’s did that to them. “Just tell me, who? Him? Pfff…I don’t give a shit but, but this is….that’s a shocker, that’s heh…heh, that’s the only thing is that it shocks me, I’m not mad but it, sfyeh what a kick in the ass that is, like…how the hell could you…you know what, you know why it shocks me cause you told me that you didn’t like him, you told me you didn’t want him over to the house, and ya go…how could you make it with him? That fat, disgusting piece of–you cunt pow. There’s a Peace Bond, schlepping away time, ah yes, with the Jewish mother in the middle with the teeth flying out vah-vah-vah!! The chenille robe, and uh…Yeah, that’s a…ha-ha. Wouldn’t this be, always wondered if ya get married again, the only problem with ever getting married again, if ya go, you have to go to some country where pfshhh…you have to marry somebody who speaks a different language and doesn’t speak any other language. Cause just in case, no but you’d always be afraid cause when your with the second old lady then you might say something in bed, and your wife would jump up behind the bed, “You aaa—-you said” oh god, “how could you say that to her when you said it to me?” “I just bullshitted her, I don’t love her…I just said that cause I knew you were behind the bed, that’s all.” Uh-huh…Jewish mothers, there are none that’s the expose. Oh another expose, I really want to confess to you one thing you never knew about me and….I have a pen name. Ralph Gleason. I’m Ralph Gleason. And I always wanted to uh, and you’re taking it good, I always thought you’d get pissed off at me for that. In fact I wrote the column for years and just drifted into this and decided I’d like to do a little comedy on the side and uh, you liked me and I thought I was doing good, so what the hell a few write ups don’t hurt anybody. And uh…you’re taking it good, that’s lovely. I want you to know that, another thing too that I’ve never been in jail, never been arrested, that’s all borshit. What it is see, I got a publicity agent that’s dynamite, and we have nine phony cops that work for Pinkerton, and we go from town to town the same bullshit, ya know. I get busted, I write the column the next day, and that’s where it’s at…heh. A few words now about Alaska and their stupidness…and ind-a…Alaska, don’t know if you know it or not, there are people up there that we’ve given a lot of money to and try to help them. Given a lotta lotta money to Alaska, to create some kind of image, we gave them statehood and they’re morons. They got one image, after all these years, some schmuck in front of a shack holding a fish knock. That’s all they’ve come up with, and some other nonsense fantasy that hookers get two-thousand dollars a minute for talking to people. If you probably go up there there’s ten-million stranded whores waiting to talk to somebody. “What’s the deal I thought there was supposed to be some talking, or…we just got bullshitted, right, there’s nobody? Just hookers up here….and Admiral Byrd. Heh-heh, he don’t go for a nickel. Now here’s a thought, I-I-I’ve….this is hearsay. Somebody told me–see they were using–the report was monkey glands on people, so you know, rejuvenate them, they live longer. Ok, now somebody told me they came back from Mexico, that they’re using human glands. “So-oh yeah? Well where do they get them?” “Has to be from live people.” Well people, there was–dying, and uh…it’s very expensive. So that’s what I said, what does it costs about a thousand dollars ya now…so I got hip, a lot of people are dying a lilschip-schzzch that’s uh, oh yeah, the hospitals a lil-bop-plah-bup, yuh, he’s dead, he’s almost dead, the hell is-uzza….Sure you’re gonna see is the more demand, the first place the state insane asylums are gonna be emptied out quick psshhhh! Yeah, that’s the first thing, all the nuthouses emptied out. All died very quickly, oh yeah, definitely. Because, all we have to do…see our moral concept is what’s–what, it’s–what’s accepted, what we will agree upon, that’s what the moral concept is. We–if we agree, that…killing a few will save the biggest, then we’ll agree on it. Like that’s–that’s was the objection that Catholicism had for many years, that contraception is murder. It doesn’t matter the degree of the murder, but-but since we all agreed on it now, contraception–bullshit, it’s cool. So it’s just the degree. So..if it comes right down to it, if we wanna live a little longer, it won’t-it won’t be accepted, just the sophisticated class, the gentry will cook with it first, ya know. Yeah, “Listen, I know a place and it’s ya now…” Yeah, and as soon as–the first time the government control–then they’ll have the farms. Yeah, raising people to, uh, to live. It’s a good liver, good heart, yeah. You’ll accept it, yeah, you’ll see. When it comes right down to the go-you go bye-bye, “These people don’t know anything, they’re raised for that purpose.” “Yeah, ya sure?” “I’m telling you…they like that.” Heh-ha! OK. “I wanna paper saying that he gave it up…oh and I can’t take the guys liver and his heart and his balls, all that stuff?” “Sure, are you kidding, he’s better off without it. He gets it the next time, don’t you know that? Nine thousand years I’ve been living now, it’s a…yeah, it’s a…schhhwoo….”

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BIG JAY OAKERSON: LIVE AT WEBSTER HALL (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/big-jay-oakerson-live-webster-hall-2016-full-transcript/

[crowd cheering] [heavy rock music] – Let’s get you going here, hey. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! [screaming] [cheers and applause] Let’s go! [cheers and applause] [heavy rock music] ** [cheers and applause] – Yeah, right? [cheers and applause] Wow. That… [chuckles] That was a lot of bravado for a fat guy who’s gonna sit down and tell dick stories. But why not, right? Might be my only one, so we might as well go big. How about it for Zero Fucks, everybody? My friends. [cheers and applause] Dave-O, Adam, and Adair. Wow, we did it, Webster Hall, huh? No shit. My very bizarre fan base is here. Purple hair, this fucking DJ. An Asian guy with long hair and a beard. You better know karate. Hot black chick next to a hot I’m guessing some sort of Middle Eastern something. Three snowboarders, an awkward black guy, and loners. That pretty much sums it up. Show me a fat Asian, we got this thing covered. This guy’s gonna be my favorite all night. I feel it. I bet you got crazy stories. Just finger-blasting girls with angel wings and shit. I know you’ve got DJ stories. One of these girls your chick? That’s your girl right there? Nice. Married, no. Thank God, right? Is this your chick? both: No. – You wish, though, right, dude? How hot is that chick? With your nervous energy, it’s never gonna happen. I like to foster love, but that just looks uncomfortable. I don’t know, dude. Try to make a move. You know her, right? – Yeah. – She’s your buddy. – Yeah. – That sucks. I don’t know. How old are you, sweetie? – 18. – 18? That’s–you’re dumb. Like, what do you mean this guy is your friend? This guy’s creepily hanging out, waiting for you to make a 19-year-old dumb decision. Have fun. I’m not here to goddamn judge. Why do I give a shit, right? You guys are in love. That’s all that matters. You gonna get married and all that shit? You’re engaged already? – Not yet. – Not yet, but you already know you’re going to. That’s serious as hell. How long you been together? – Six years. – Six years? How old are you? – 27. – 27? Don’t get married to the chick you found when you were 21. That has no chance of working out, dude. There’s no way. Were you just crushing puss at 15 or something? What a dummy. Why would you do that? How old are you, sweetie? – 27. – 27 also. – You were 21. You were ready to shut it down for this dude. Wow. Were you a raging whore when you were younger? Now I feel bad asking. You made such a shameful face. Good for you. You’re gonna do it, dude. Good for you. Kids, the whole thing, you want, right? Don’t do that. I did that 13 years ago. It is quite a price… for some sweet, sweet pussy, dude. That is quite a price. What kind of kids you want, boys, girls? You don’t give a shit as long as they’re healthy, right? – Yes. – Lies. You want a boy so bad. I only have a girl, and I want a boy. I don’t even want any more kids. I just wish she was a boy. I tell her that every day… not with words, with actions. I peg her in the chest with a football. When she’s rolling around on the ground, I’m like, “If you were a dude, you’d have caught that.” And then I step over her like Iverson in the Finals. “Get up. You just got faced.” I have a daughter. It’s cool, I guess, to some degree. She plays sports, but… she plays soccer. – Whoo! – Really, whoo? 13-year-old girls’ soccer, dude? Do you know how boring 13-year-old girls’ soccer is? The same exact boring as adult men’s professional soccer. Extraordinarily. Three hours for 0-0 scores. But you got to support. I show up for the last five minutes of the game, and I run up, and I’m like, “All right, I’m here. Don’t be a whore. “You don’t have to blow everybody. “I’m here, I love you. You shouldn’t feel abandoned.” You know. “Give you some money, I’ll help you with your homework. “Just, please, don’t blow everybody. But, God, I can’t watch this whole game.” Life and the world would be an easier place if she was a boy, man. Girls make father’s lives very difficult with things they don’t even know. They don’t even realize they’re making it difficult. Laundry. Can’t do laundry anymore with my daughter’s stuff. It’s just uncomfortable. Looking how I look and folding little-girl underwear does not appear as if I’m doing a good deed. It looks like I’m, like, organizing the trophies from all my victims. “Ah, I remember her. Pigtails, Central Park.” Sometimes it’s the first time I hear it too. Folding little-girl underwear made me feel like I have just a mustache, if you know what I mean. Just-a-mustache, the most divisive piece of facial hair. It’s weird, the just-a-mustache. It’s coming back in the hipster community, I think. But it’s always off-putting. Although, sometimes in life, you want to see a guy with just a mustache. But sometimes you do not. Like, if your house is on fire, you hope to God you see a guy with just a mustache floating around, ’cause he knows how to help or radio for somebody who can. But if you’re dropping your kids off at, like, practice, you do not want to see a guy with just a mustache in an abandoned ice cream truck with binoculars, yelling at the cops, he’s 100 yards away. “I’m 100 yards away. Lay off, fuzz.” [laughter] “Lay off me, fuzz. I’m within my legal limits.” “Just gorgeous athletes.” That’s how I feel folding little-girl underwear… like I’m in an abandoned ice cream truck. I stopped when she was 11. She’s 13 now. When she was 11, I stopped doing laundry with her shit in it, ’cause the last time I was folding her laundry, I’m folding hear underwear– already weird– I start noticing these huge holes in her underwear, which sucks because I got to find out why that is. I’m her father. I can’t let that go. I have to ask, and I know the answer’s not gonna be good. She’s not gonna tell me some awesome answer for why there’s holes in her underwear. Like, “Oh, Dad, I forgot to tell you, I invented sharp farts.” Like, yeah. Show me. We can share everything now. Take me into your world. That was not the answer, by the way–sharp farts. I wish. You know why there was huge holes in her underwear? She was 11 at the time. She goes to the bathroom by herself. I guess sometimes she doesn’t wipe that great. Little shit stain in her underwear. But instead of throwing the underwear out, she cuts the shit stain out with scissors, ’cause she’s embarrassed of a shit stain, but not embarrassed to walk around in crotchless panties all day. And for weeks, in the garbage, I’ve been seeing little shit-covered Hannah Montana faces and shitty Tinker Bells. And I just thought she was doing voodoo or something, which I was intrigued by. Kids, man, don’t have them. I already got mine. She’s here now. I love her. It’s too late. But if you can avoid it, dude, avoid it. I don’t know what kids are gonna become anymore, anyway. We’re only making a generation of assholes. They don’t want to be anything important anymore. Kids, the YouTube generation, everybody wants to be famous. My daughter’s lazy. All kids are lazy now. They just want to be famous quick. My daughter doesn’t want to be a doctor or a lawyer. She wants to be Rihanna. And granted, she could take a punch, but… talent, that does not make. [cheers and applause] Don’t applaud her. It’s my good jaw genetics. We’re a scrappy-jawline family. Kids are lazy, but you got to teach them to not be. That’s what I try to do. I try to be a good dad, try to teach her to not be lazy, and she’s lazy a lot. She came home last year from school one day, and I was like, “Walk the dog.” And she goes out with the dog for, like, a minute, which is not enough time. She comes in, and I go, “Hey, the dog’s got to shit. You got to take the dog out.” She goes, “She did.” And I know she’s lying already, because I can see that look in her eyes. The problem with kids now is, all those shows on TV make the dads like dopes. She watches all that Disney Channel horseshit, and literally it’s like the kids are, like, sneaking out and the dad’s, like, stuck in a water bed, like, “How do you work this crazy thing?” [mumbling] Like, “Dumb dad. Let’s go fucking do blow off hooker puss.” [laughs] So she goes, “The dog did go to the bathroom.” And I know she’s lying, and I go, “Yeah? “Why didn’t you pick it up? You didn’t bring a bag out.” And she goes, “I’ll pick it up.” She walks outside with a bag. And I go outside to smoke a cigarette and watch, ’cause I know she’s lying already. And she comes over to the trash can with a bag that I know has no shit in it at all, whatsoever. But she’s so cocky and thinks that I’m an idiot, that she waves the bag at me, like as if to show me, like, “Look, idiot, here’s the shit.” And that bag is just flopping around like “American Beauty.” There was nothing in it. And I go, “What are you talking about?” I go, “There’s no shit in that bag.” And she goes, “Oh, it must have fell.” And then I just see her, like, scurrying around lawns, trying to find something to give this bag some heft. And finally, I’m like, “Cut the shit. “It’s over, it’s done. “There’s no poop out here on this car. “Get inside. “I’m gonna teach you a lesson right now about being lazy. “That’s just you being lazy, “and you want to be a singing celebrity. Let me show you something.” And I sat her down on the couch, and I watched an episode of America’s Got Talent with her. There was a girl, like, two or three years ago who came out and played House of the Rising Sun on a keyboard and sang with the voice of an adult. I would have paid $100 a ticket to see her the next day. That’s how amazing this girl was. And I made my daughter watch the whole performance. And when it was over, I’m like, “Do you see now? “Do you understand? “If you’re not lazy and you work hard “and you try your best, “you can never do what this kid is doing, “because she’s focused and has talent, “and you’re lying to me about a bag of shit. Just know where you come from, dummy.” But her mom pumps her up. Her mom’s like, “You could be whatever you want, baby. You could be an astronaut.” And I got to speak reason, like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. “Small-business owner, tops. “Let’s not gas her up. “Astronaut? What do you think you’re dealing with here?” She has Justin Bieber posters. She’s not above and beyond. [chuckles] She’s a good kid. You know, I try to instill good things in her. I wouldn’t let this shit be happening, this friendship nonsense. I’d tell her that guys aren’t your friends. They’re always looking to fuck in some way. How long you been friends for with this guy? – About a year. – A year. That’s good patience, bro. You are hanging in there good. Do you know this Asian long-hair guy too? No, he’s much more interesting, though, isn’t he? Look at him, he’s so weird. I bet he knows how to do two-sword stuff, where he just spins it all around. Those crazy fan dances. * Boon-bing-boon-boon * Boon-bing-bing Lives in a house made of bamboo and tissue. “Oh, please, no shoes.” [laughter] [exhales deeply] This guy’s great. A year of friendship, that’s cool. And you think he’s your friend. You believe that in your heart of hearts, that he’s your friend. – Yes? – Yes. So if you were like, “Hey, we should totally fuck,” he’d be like, “No way, bud. “What are you talking about bro-skiff? I don’t even look at it like that, home slice.” He’d say yes. – Yeah, no. – I would say all of those things. – Yeah, but he’s like– is that a friend, honestly, if he would fuck? – Then I have no male friends. – Yeah, you have no male friends, exactly right. You said it. These are all guys waiting for you to cash in. We’re not your friends. Young girls, you guys give all great excuses for how a guy is your friend too. Those are my favorite. They’ll be like, “What do you mean he’s not my friend? He helped me move apartments twice.” I’m like, “Oh, my God.” That guy was so furious those nights after you didn’t fuck him. He thought that was the day. And then he’s lugging your shitty IKEA furniture up five flights, while your gay friend’s laughing at him. “Ha ha. You want to fuck her. She’s not gonna.” You need to jerk off with a sore back. Breaking up one pizza amongst 12 other shitheads that fucking think they’re fucking her too. I’ve helped fucking chicks move before. I know that game. “We’re all getting laid.” And they’re just fucking splitting a pizza 12 ways, 8 slices. This guy’s not your friend. Hook up with him. Why not? What’s wrong with him? – Not my type. – He’s not your type? What does that mean? What’s your type? [crowd groaning] Don’t listen to this crowd. Crowds don’t even know what the hell they’re talking about. They’re trying to bully you into fucking a guy you might not want to fuck. “Aw, come on, he’s not your type? “Just suck his dick, whatever. “You’re 18. Who cares? Live.” [cheers and applause] What? “Yeah, get her on the pinball machine. Let’s take her to task.” She’s 18, you pieces of shit. Maybe she’s not ready for that. Whew. Cut this friendship off, dude. End the sham. We just resolved the problem for you. It’s never gonna happen. Maybe tonight. You should fuck this guy tonight. [cheers and applause] Well, listen, you’re a young girl. I’m not forcing you or telling you to do anything. I’m just saying you should. But I say that because that’s the best wingman I could be to this guy. That’s the best I can do, do you understand? Because now he has a reason to bring it up to you later. And throw me under the bus, dude. I don’t give a shit. I don’t care if you use me. You can be like, “Remember that fat asshole “said we should fuck tonight? That guy was obnoxious, if you ask me.” [laughter] [chuckles] “You know, it would be funny, though, if we did, “because we could always be like, “‘Remember we went to that show and the guy said the thing, “and then we did it?’ We’ll always have that thing.” Maybe, dude. You never know, it might work. How great would that be? If not, just end this friendship. It’s ridiculous. We’re not your friends. Young girls argue that all the time. A lot of guy-girl roommates in this city, not fucking, just living together as friend roommates. That’s insanity to me. That is asinine, to live with a girl you’re not fucking. Fellas, if you do that, and I mean this– harsh sentence here, but hear me out. Fellas, if you live with a girl you’re not fucking, you have no respect for women. You have no respect for them. You don’t know what you’re capable of. Men, we’re garbage. And you got to know what you’re capable of. Listen, when men have our– when our balls are full– This is a hackneyed subject at this point, but it’s just the facts of life. When our balls are full, we are a different human being than when our balls are empty. Does that make sense at all? So the girl you live with has to be a girl you’re fucking, or else weird stuff’s gonna happen. When our balls get full, we’re not the same person as when they’re empty. When our balls are empty, that’s when we’re the person that our parents made. When my balls are empty is when I’m doing everything good in life. I pay my bills. I shoot hoops. I say hi to friends. I high-five a lot of people. When your balls are full– that’s why guys, like, jerk off so much. You just got to, like, change that state of mind and get back into the world functioning, empty-balled again. And when our balls are full, we’ll do fucked-up shit. And to live with a girl who’s just your friend, like, you’re gonna fuck that friendship up. I know you will. I would. If I had a girl roommate who I wasn’t fucking, two seconds, I’d ruin that. First time she’s like, “Hey, I’m going to my parents’ house for the weekend,” 20 minutes after she leaves, I’m gonna go smell all of her panties. Then… then I’m gonna rub her vibrators on my face while I jerk off with a fist wrapped in her dirty underwear. [laughter] Yeah. It’s horrible. And don’t even waste your time judging me on that, for a few reasons. One, I’ve never done that. I’m just telling you that’s what I would do. And two, there’s no reason to judge it because I would judge myself. Do you get it? That’s the whole full-balls, empty-balls thing. The juxtaposition, right? As soon as I was done jerking off in her room, I’d be like, “Oh, my God, what the fuck have I just done? “This is my friend’s end table. “What am I doing? “My buddy! She trusted me, and I ruined it!” Then I would clean up meticulous. And I would try to stack the dildos back the way I found them. Like, “Oh, my God, I should have took a picture.” I would turn off the light switch with a tissue, and I would step out in my own footprints. And I would be appalled at myself, judging myself for you. Like, “How can you do that to your friend? “She trusted you around her stuff, “and she’s gone, and you ruined it, man. “You spoiled the sanctity of your friendship. “Well, you know what? She’s gone the rest of the weekend. “No big deal. “I cleaned up, it’s over. Never again, lesson learned.” And 30 minutes later, I’ll be right back in that room, rubbing dildos on my face. Just shaking my head in the mirror like, “Do I know me, or do I know me?” And I’ll clean up meticulous after that time, and I’ll leave the room again. And every time, I’ll leave that room believing that I’m never going back in that room again. I’ll believe it when I say it. But I will be jerking off in that room every half hour on the half hour until moments before she comes home. It’ll be a race for the clock. ‘Cause that’s how our balls work. They fill up, we make terrible decisions. Then they’re empty in this big explosion of, like, you know– And you have this moment of clarity where you’re like, “Where the fuck am I? Chinatown?” Then they fill up again. You’re like, “Oh, right, Chinatown. “Good call. “Good call, earlier full balls. Nailed it.” And our balls win. We are not to be trusted. We’re not your friends. If you call this guy tonight like, “Dude, let me come by and suck your dick,” he’d be like, “Yep.” He wouldn’t even be like, “Why? “What’s changed? Are things different now? Are we seeing each other?” He’d be like, “Get over here.” That’s not friendship. Friendship doesn’t have that kind of sexual tension. Real friendship does not have that. My best friend’s name is Dave. If Dave called me at 2:00 a.m. and was like, “Dude, let me come by and suck your dick,” I’d be like, “I’m gonna have to say no, Dave.” Because we’re friends. And that friendship’s real, man. That friendship means something to me. That’s real. I know it’s real. ‘Cause if me and Dave weren’t friends, I’d be like, “Yeah, dude, come over here.” I’m a liberal dude. He’s a good-enough-looking guy with soft lips. I bet he sucks a mean dick. But then what happens? What happens then? Dave’s sucking my dick. He probably gets a boner. I can’t let my boy go home with a boner. Now I have to suck his dick. Now we’re sucking each other’s dicks, and we’re not even gay. We’re not gay. We’re not gay, man. We’re not gonna do that for long before we’re like, “Dude, what are we doing, man? “P’ugh. What are we doing here? Let’s stop wasting time and start plowing some ass.” So I’m gonna have to let him fuck me first, because I’m the fat chick in this story. So I’m gonna have to lay back with my ankles in the air, knees akimbo, while Dave takes these long, rhythmic pounds into my shitter. Sweetie. These long, rhythmic pounds into my shitter. I thought I lost you for a second. But I’m bigger than Dave, so eventually I’m gonna want to dominate him. I’m gonna flip Dave over. I’m gonna start tagging him in his knuckly ass and then pull out, shoot a couple ropes of friendship across his butt cheeks, and then… collapse my tit-sweat-covered chest across his spiny and rib-cagey back. I know. Sounds like a great night. Sounds fantastic. But I can’t cross that line, because we’re friends. Real friends, right? I got to think about tomorrow, when I want to hang out and play video games with my friend Dave, but I can’t even look him the eye because I’m still picking his butt hairs out of my pee hole. Not worth it. Hey, look, you don’t have to laugh at that. I’m happy you even sat through it, honestly. That is a really tough one to get through. Yeah. [cheers and applause] I appreciate it. I appreciate you guys not walking out on that one. That is tough to hear front to back. You know who really hates hearing that joke? My friend Dave. It’s his least favorite of all my jokes. He’s like, “Man, that was very vivid.” I’m like, “Right? “It just came to me too, dude. I didn’t even write it down or nothing.” [laughter] “It was weird, man. I just improv’d that shit.” Straight-up improv. That was good. You guys are great. What a fun crowd. There’s love in the air some places. Indoor hat like a snowboarder– that’s pretty cool. These guys over here– it’s all indoor winter hats. What’s going on, guys? Is Blink-182 coming back around or something? These guys are so emo. I dig them. Is this your girlfriend? Wife? You guys are way too young for that crazy shit. How old are you? – 26. – 26? How long you married for? – Four years. – Four years? Where the fuck are you guys from? Better be a bomb shelter or something, whatever it is. Trying to restart your own society or something. Why? So young. Where you from? – Cape Cod. – Cape Cod, you are isolated. No one comes there till the leaves change colors. Cape Cod. You rich sons of bitches. Was this an arranged thing? Your dad owns, like, a boat dealership, and her dad’s a hardware magnate or something? Is that the right word? Cape Cod– isn’t that ritzy out there? – It depends. – Unless you’re born there. – You were born there? – Yeah. – Oh, yeah, that’s right. I watched that– Was that Cape Cod, that heroin documentary that came out? Oh, my God. That’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard in my life. People falling apart, addicted to heroin, from Cape Cod, with that accent. “Ah, I’m disappointing my mah. “She thought I was gonna play for the Sox, but, you know, here I am, banging junk into my ah-rm.” “If you shoot it right in the yah, you get higher quicker.” Thank you, Dan Soder, for making me do voices. [cheers and applause] I’m sure I’m just doing a shitty impression of something he does way better. Good for you guys– Cape Cod. You have kids and shit already, huh? – Yeah. – Fuck, you just threw it all away so young, man. Last vag the rest of your life. You’re into it, though, right? Who cares? Did you hook up with an Asian girl before you got married? No? – No Asians. – No Asians? What an idiot. There’s no Asians on Cape Cod? None? There’s no casino riverboat or something? Never banged an Asian chick, and you got married? That’s gonna ruin your marriage at some point, man. It’s gonna fall apart. Aren’t you curious? Why would you marry some not-Asian girl before you see one time in your life how big your dick looks in teeny-tiny Asian-girl hands? Before you marry some white girl and those–pardon me if I say– catcher’s mitts that she calls hands… All these goddamn pigs. Look at them. It’s like getting jerked off with Hulk fists. Be ashamed of yourselves. Not you, Asian girl. You be loud and proud. Those little, tiny doll hands. Fucking white girl jerks you off, looks like she’s gonna arm-wrestle your dick at a truck stop for ownership of an 18-wheeler. The thumb’s over the top. She turned her hat backwards. [laughter] It’s like a switch goes off, and you just… Not Asian girls, man. They look at every dick like it’s a palm tree they got to climb to save themselves from a village flood. It’s like, “Oh, help! ‘Virrage frood’!” You tell me two funnier words to say in a racist Asian accent than “village flood.” There’s so many Ls. “Virrage frood”? You pick two better words than… Asian girls are so hot. Not even interested, though, huh? You don’t give a shit. Dude, they’re amazing. Pubes like kitten fur– true story. You can lay your head on their belly, blow through it like a wheat field. [blowing softly] It’s like a fabric softener commercial. And it stays wherever you blow it, like when a cat walks in front of a fan. Like… [blows softly] It’s like, “Mm. This is so relaxing.” It’s the best kind of bush. You know the second best? Black girls–nice. That’s interesting pubes, man. Looks like crumbled up hamburger meat– every hair. Each hair is its own individual coil. It’s amazing. It’s like a whole bunch of those things that were behind the door when you were a kid. Like, b-r-r-r-r-r. B-r-r-r-r, b-r-r-r-r-r… B-r-r-r, b-r-r-r-r-r. B-r-r-r-ahh. [laughter] I’m a bush guy. But every girl shaves her pussy bald now, which is weird. I know porn told you that’s the way to play it, but you shouldn’t do that. Every girl goes bald. So not unique. You’re all just following– I see a zillion different head hairstyles here on the women. Why do you think you should all have bald pussies? Porn? That’s our best and our brightest pussies. Before you shave your pussy bald– And don’t do this for me. Do this for your husbands and boyfriends and fiancés. Before you shave your pussy bald, take a good look at your pussy in the mirror, because if I’m being honest– and this is harsh. If I’m being honest, some of your pussies need hair. Some faces need a beard. Some pussies need hair. [cheers and applause] Yeah, I need a beard. I need one. That’s how you know I have a jawline, or I’m all face and neck, like a thumb wearing shoes. Some pussies need a beard. You ever see a ginger chick with no bush? It’s freaky. They’re too pale. It’s almost see-through. You need a bush so you know where the pussy starts, or you have no idea. Just a belly button, then a long white stomach. Then out of nowhere, these blue lightning strikes of veins going down the front of her fetus-like thin pussy skin. It’s freaky. You can see her heart beating right through her fucking box. You’re like… You’re like, “Oh, shit. You are worked up, lady.” Some pussies need a beard– trust me– especially up here. We’re in New York, man. New York winter– are you kidding me? Who wants a cold, bald winter puss? Just bald and freezing cold. You go to eat your chick’s puss, you get your tongue stuck like “Christmas Story.” “Ah…ahh!” Got to have a neighborhood kid come in, pour hot water on your face. And he’s gonna tell everybody. He’s running right outside. “Old Man Oakerson had his tongue stuck to this chick’s pussy.” [laughing] Old Man Oakerson. Grow a bush, ladies. Give it a shot. Why not? What do you got to lose? Who gives a shit? I got to go old. If I like a bush, I got to go old. I got to go for older chicks. You want guaranteed bush, you got to be willing to go old. I’ll go old for guaranteed bush. 75. [groans and laughter] I don’t give a shit. Don’t come with me. I’ll fuck her myself. 75-year-old has guaranteed bush. She’s too tired to shave. She goes to bed right after “Wheel of Fortune” and wakes up at the crack of 4:00 a.m. to feed a bunch of birds that never show up. She’s confused. Doesn’t know she’s inside. She’s like, “Hmm…” You’re inside, dummy. “What?” Living her old life in that big woolly muff… wrapped around an old lippy and leathery pussy. That’s right, everyone. We’re gonna test this crowd out right now. A lippy and leathery pussy… lips like Saint Bernard cheeks, just hanging down. There should be a barrel of beer under her asshole. Lips. And a big old brown clit coming out of the top, like a cigar in a war vet’s mouth. “Yeah, I’ve seen things a man shouldn’t see.” [applause] And leathery. Lippy and leathery. Leathery and lippy. Are there any Latinos here at all? [cheers and applause] Lippy y leathery. A leathery pussy. Leather. I mean, leathery. Like, if she tries to shave it, it won’t even take off the hair. It just sharpens the razor. [imitates scraping] Look at your enemies in the cold steel, cut a work boot in half. This crowd’s pretty cool. My favorite Asian guy, how you hanging in there? Good to go? You gonna hook up with this 18-year-old chick? This guy ain’t doing shit in the middle. – What? – Too young. – She’s too young? – How old are you? – 34. – 34, is that too old for you? – Yeah. – Yeah? All right, her dad’s still alive–big deal. [scoffs] What kind of girls you like, dude? – Uh, any. – Any? You have no choice whatsoever, really? Asian girls? – Never gotten one. – Never gotten an Asian girl. How about, like, black chicks? – No. – Never, just all white girls? – Yeah. – No shit. Good for you, man. How many white girls in here have banged an Asian dude? Isn’t that crazy? One. Just one back there. And why, ’cause he wrote a term paper for you or something? Did he teach you some dark arts afterwards or something? What was it? You just did–two? At the same time? Yeah. You tried to get one normal length of dick inside of you, right? [groans, laughter] Relax, just laugh at it. You’re fucking, “Uhh…” “Ahh…” I hate when crowds get whimpery during comedy. You should never get like that. Never do anything but just laugh. If it ain’t funny, don’t laugh. But if it was funny, laugh, but all that, like… [laughing hesitantly] Ooh. Such a waste of time. Letting words affect you at all like that is a waste of time. I’ve had so many situations where if people would just laugh and get over themselves, it would be such a better time. And also, I give you this as a lesson for life, if you want to take lessons from a guy who wears a wallet chain still. [laughter] [cheers and applause] Zero Fucks said it was cool, so… Take my advice, please. If you could learn to not let words affect you in a way that makes you, like, cringe up and ooh and ahh, it is so liberating in life. You will never lose an argument, ever, because if you have no fear of what’s coming your way, you can say whatever you want to people– horrible, terrible things. And words do hurt most people, and it’s fun to watch them just crumple into a ball as you’re saying viciously crazy things. I do this for a living, you know. So this is something where a lot of mean stuff gets thrown my way. You got to learn how to, like, just Teflon. You can’t hurt me with words– that’s for sure. I had a thing with a guy a few years back– not even, maybe about a year ago–here in New York. He was talking during a whole show at a comedy club. They were gonna kick him out. He was there with his wife and his daughter. His daughter was an adult. And they were gonna kick him out for talking. I go, “No, I like to talk to the crowd. “Let me see if I can save this guy. “Maybe he’s an all-right dude, just a little drunk. Maybe he’s an all-right guy. Let’s try to save him.” Now, I was wrong. He was a piece of shit. But that’s hindsight. At the time, I’m like, “Let me see if I can save him.” And I said to the guy, I go, “Hey, buddy, what’s going on? Who you here with?” And he goes– with this attitude too– he goes, “My wife and my daughter.” I go, “Cool, man. How old’s your daughter?” And he goes, “None of your fucking business.” And I was like, “All right, man. “I didn’t ask you if I could butt-fuck her on your table. I just asked you how old she was.” And the girl was like, “I’m 26.” I’m like, “Okay, she’s 26. “Like, what’s the big– why are we fighting, dude? “You’re at a comedy club. “We’re just trying to have fun, right? What’s the big thing?” And I go, “I’m trying to relate to you, man. “I also have a daughter. How about that?” And he replies, he goes, “Yeah, I know. I met your daughter.” Like, implying something. And I was like, “Where, on ‘To Catch a Predator’? She’s 13.” And then I was like, “Oh, wait, you know what, dude? “She actually told me all about you. “She said she could fit her whole 13-year-old fist around your pencil dick.” [groans and laughter] Yeah, and then, just like you queefs, that crowd was like, “Whoa… “How can you say that about your daughter, man? How can you say that about your daughter?” And here’s how I can say that about my daughter. And listen up, this is a good one. It’s because I fucking made it up. It never happened. Turns out my daughter never jerked that guy off. Don’t even worry about it. If she did jerk him off, I probably wouldn’t bring it up at a comedy club to the very guy she jerked off. I’d probably handle that in some sort of a legal forum. She’s my daughter, and I love her. That’s the whole– It’s the middle of a comedy show, like, “You’re going to jail, mister. “Sorry, everyone, I’ll be right– “You son of a bitch. My apologies, it’s the man who fucked my daughter.” You got to have a tough skin for shit like that, man. World’s too tough. If words are taking you down, you’re not ready for the world. I have people yell out– people don’t know me. They yell out all kinds of things. I had a guy yell out one time from the audience– This is like a 1950s insult. He goes, “Your mom sucks dick down by the docks.” That should have been followed by a “see.” “Your mom sucks dick by the docks, see?” I’m like, “Well, tell her to change locations.” We bringing our boys back home from the war? Like, fucking, by the docks? You trying to blow merchant marines? Like, hit the city, man. Get some foot traffic. Not gonna make any money blowing dudes by the docks. Some people are like, “How can you say something like that about your mom?” And it’s like, because my mom’s fine. I don’t know that guy. What am I supposed to do when a stranger says my mom sucks dick by the docks? Just call her right away and be like, “Mom, I just heard! What’s happening?” “Is Joe not working?” Joe’s my stepfather. Probably should have mentioned that before I brought him up. I grew up with a stepfather. Anybody else here? [scattered cheers] Oh, sorry you all came from fantastic homes. You guys were all tennis prodigies or something here. You had a steppop? – Boyfriends of Mom. – Boyfriends of Mom– that’s even worse. What were some of their names? I bet they’re great. – There was this guy named Big Mike. – Big Mike? You had to call him that? “Hey, it’s me, Big Mike. I’ll be eating Chinese food in your mom’s room.” “If you’re wondering what that smell is, it’s Peking duck and fuck.” “I brought you a Nintendo game. Stay out of our hair.” My mom had some boyfriends growing up. She dated a lot, which was always hilarious, because I was just a little fat son wearing medium pajamas, because nobody believed I was fat. So I would just always have my shins and belly button hanging out. Some jerk-off sitting on a couch, playing my mom acoustic-guitar songs. * Lady… I’m like, “Mister, give me 20 bucks. I’ll go to bed.” “She’s good to go, bro. You just need me out of your hair.” “Oh, she’s a party, man.” Stepdad’s a good dude. Still is, Joe, great guy. Huge dick, true story. Big… real big. Was Big Mike’s dick big? You never saw it? You never got a glance? Boy, I did. I saw Joe’s dick. The room’s uncomfortable. I’m not sure why. If I brought it up in a comedy situation, it’s probably a funny story. I’m not here to break down to you. “In the middle of the show, it took a dark turn. “He just started having these memories like, ‘Oh, my God, I was just a boy.'” [laughs] I saw Joe’s dick. It was no big deal. I bet when I tell you how it happened, a lot of you are gonna feel weird for being weird about that. You’ll be like, “Oh, that makes sense. That happens. Things like this happen.” I was ten years old. My mom was at work, and Joe was holding me down and making me look at his dick. And he was like, “Scream for God.” And I tried. But God couldn’t hear me, because Joe’s balls were in my mouth, and… you try pronouncing a G with balls in your mouth. It’s damn near impossible, if not just impossible. I’m making that up. That never happened. I did see Joe’s dick, but it wasn’t under those horrible circumstances. I saw it by accident. I grew up in an apartment, so close quarters, man. Shit happens. And I remember one day I was in the hallway of our apartment. We had a mirror on one side, bathroom door on the other. Joe was coming out of the shower. Bathroom door was open. He turned around. I looked up at the time. Bank shot off the mirror– wasn’t even a dead-on shot. And he turned around, man, and I saw his dick. And wow. It was huge. I mean, it was– came in and out of the frame when he turned around, like… [imitates whoosh] It blanked out his face for a second. It hit his thigh. It was like a Rocky punch. Like, water shattered off his leg slo-mo. Pff, pff-pff, pff, pff, pff, pff-pff-pff, pff, pff. He’s playing ball-in-a-cup. It was a big dick. And when any kid sees his stepfather’s dick is that big, I thought what any kid would think– “I wish this guy was my real dad, honestly. “I could use some of that hog in my bloodline. Man, oof.” My dad has a little dick. And that’s what he gave to me, passed it right down. [chuckles] Just very sentimental about it. I know–I saw my dad’s dick, too, when I was younger. That’s not as weird, right? Most kids see their father’s dick. That’s how you learn how to take a shower when you’re a kid, right? Jump in with your dad, he shows you what’s up. And then at some point, that gets weird, and you get out, and you do it yourself. That’s what I did. I don’t remember how old I was when I stopped taking showers with my father. It may have been too old, in hindsight. It may have been too old. I was definitely too tall. I know that. I don’t remember all those showers, but I remember that last one. That was… [laughter] His dick hit me right in the face. I know. It seemed like I was gonna be suggestive, but I just said it– cock-slapped by my father. Not on purpose. We were in the shower. I don’t remember how old I was, but I just remember he was like, “Son, hand me the shampoo,” and I was like, “Yes, Papa.” I turned around, and his dick went boom, right in the face. And I was like, “Dude…” And if you’re old enough to call your dad “dude,” you probably shouldn’t be in the shower with him. “Dude.” [laughs] And he was like, “What?” I’m like, “What? “Your dick just hit me right in the beard, man. “What the fuck? Oh, Christ, oh, Christ.” Hi. “I’m gonna be thinking about this all day at work.” “Hey, Dad, I think I’m gonna stay at my place for a few nights.” “How old was he?” That’s a fake story too. My apologies, everyone. I hate lying to you. I’ll tell you the true story about how I saw my dad’s dick. And it was little. I’m not lying about that. I saw it. Here’s how little it was. The situation when I saw my dad’s dick was so chaotic, I shouldn’t even have noticed that his dick was out. That’s how little it was. It drew my attention. I was a little kid. I was at his house for the weekend. And I’m up at, like, 2:00 in the morning, probably eating snacks, watching TV. And somebody started trying to violently break into the house, like, kicking in the front door violently. And I was a little nervous fat kid, and I go running for his door like, “Daddy, help! Dad, help, something terrible is happening!” And to his credit, he wanted to answer my cries. He opens the door butt-naked, and he just goes, “What is it?” And even in all my fear, I was like, “Dad, someone’s… “Oh, what? “No way, dude. Come on, really?” “Chip off the old block, asshole.” And I was like, “You know what, Dad? “Go find a hiding spot, never mind. “I’m gonna call Joe, “get some big-dick advice on how to handle this. This seems like a big-dick job.” I can’t send my dad out there to fight that guy in the nude with that little dick. I love my dad. What if that guy kills my dad? That’s our family’s legacy? Front page of the paper– “Local little-dick man dies in tragic home invasion.” And there’s his fat son covering his dad’s dick with one hand, crying and yelling at everyone. “Stop laughing at him! Stop laughing! He’s my daddy!” “He was a good man!” Right from him. What do you do? I don’t even ask if dick size is important anymore. I know it is. That’s why I’m so envious of, like, black-dude dicks, man. They are so– Whew. What a work of art. I mean, just mind-blowing. There’s Asian girls here. I always worry about– You ever see a black penis before, sweetie? You hooked up with a black guy before? True story? Yo, this Asian girl right here. Did you really? Oh, my God. Was it terrifying? Those dicks are so big, and you’re such a tiny Asian person. When he put is dick in you, did you take the shape of his dick, like when a snake swallows a dog house? Pff! Oh… Pff! Oh, God. Oh–Pff! Jesus Christ, no, no, no, no. Oh, jeez. Just veins going up your chest and pink dick-head meat behind the whites of your eyes. “Pink dick-head meat behind the whites of your eyes.” Come on, that one had to get you. You get the concept, right? She’s so full of this hypothetical black dick, that it’s moved everything in her body out of the way, and behind her eyelids, pink dick-head meat. That’s even funny if you write that down. [laughs] Black dick, yo. You ever see one? Never, not even in film or something, huh? You never even looked it up. Is this your boyfriend, husband? Your husband, that’s good. You keep her away from it. You don’t want her to know what she’s missing. They’re out there, dude. Black dicks are everywhere. And they’re looking for white girls like you. They live in the ground like Tremors. Remember Tremors? Just lying dormant, waiting for you to play catcher in a softball game. Like, k’shh! You need Kevin Bacon and the dad from Family Ties, or you’re assed out. I’ve seen some black dicks that have, like, changed the course of my day, just made me like, “Oh, that brought me down.” I had a thing a few months back at a club here in New York. My buddy Will was hosting the comedy show, and Will is Haitian. And I was onstage, and I was talking to him from offstage, and I go, “Will, you’re Haitian. Do you have, like, a crazy huge Haitian dick?” Because Haitian, that’s like island black dudes. So that’s like “give girls their groove back” size dick. That’s like– straighten your back out, have you typing faster and stuff. And I was like, “Do you have a big crazy Haitian dick?” And he goes, “I don’t know.” And I was like, “Do you have a cell phone picture of it?” He goes, “Yep.” And he handed me the picture. And here’s how I knew it was gonna be huge before I even focused on the dick. And it was huge. What he’s handing me, I realize quickly, is a full-body nude picture. Yeah, that silence is ’cause everyone’s impressed. And the guys are confused, because dick pics doesn’t blow anyone’s mind anymore. It’s 2016. Every guy in this room’s got a dick pic. But most of us take dick pics the same way. You want your dick to look its biggest. So you put the camera right against your dick so it takes up the whole picture, top to bottom. I leave a little room on the side so you can see, like, an apartment building or something in the distance to give it some depth and perspective. But never in my life would I show you how small my dick looks against my giant fucking body. [laughter] Just dwarfing it. But Will did. Confident, with his dick out. Confident. You know why he was so confident? True story– dick touches the top of his knee. Top of his knee. And I said out loud to the crowd, “Oh, my God, Will. Your dick is touching the top of your knee.” And you know what some idiot in the audience yelled out? I swear to you, he goes, “It’s probably hard, though.” Okay. What? Does that negate a knee-length dick to you? If it’s hard? It’s touching his knee. Sorry, everyone, false alarm. It’s just regular old knee-length boner. I thought it was– Didn’t mean to stop the presses. It’s touching his knee. That’s awesome. My dick has never touched my thighs, hard or soft. And my thighs are right here. But, funny enough, if I put my thighs together, it mushes my balls to the top, and my dick’s all short and fat, and it looks like I dropped an ice cream cone on my lap. Aw, stupid ice cream cone. Aw, now there’s hair in it. I’m joking. [laughs] I’m not sure why I had to tell you I was joking. “I’m joking.” This has been so gross. I really do– I say have a little dick a lot. And then girls come back like, “Nuh-uh.” And I’m like… And then they’re like, “Oh, eh…” I lie it down a little bit so they always go, “It’s not that bad.” I’m very insecure. I used to ask women in the audience, as, like, a unit, just a whole group of women, I’d be like, “Hey, what’s the smallest dick you’ve ever seen in your life?” And I stopped doing that quick, because I was looking for answers that would me feel better about my dick size. You know, they’d be like, “3 inches,” or, “4 inches.” And I’d be like, “All right, I’m doing okay, then.” That’s not what happened. I found out from that question, from that polling system, how horrible women are. You’re really terrible, terrible people. It’s unbelievable. If you ask enough women in one group, smallest dick you’ve ever seen, you know the answer most of them give? A lot of them give the same one. It’s not even a measurement of numbers or anything. They just hold up a pinkie finger. “Mm, pinkie dick.” Pinkie dick? Pinkie– that’s a lie, number one. There’s no man in the world with a pinkie dick. A pinkie dick? If you have a pinkie dick when you turn 18, you kill yourself. That’s respectable. You jump off a bridge or something more hilariously small dick related, but you do not press forward in life with a pinkie dick. You girls are laughing. [women laughing] Was that your answer? Was that what you would have said, pinkie dick? You saw that in life? No shit? Guy pulled it out for you. What’s your name? – Christine. – Christine. A guy pulled out a pinkie dick for you. – [laughs] – Is that how it happened? Sexual situation, guy whips it out. – Yep. – Christine, if you don’t mind, what did you do? – I told him I had to go home. – You told him you had to go home. [laughter, cheers, and applause] I don’t know why you’re applauding her. That’s the shittiest thing ever. This guy pulled out a pinkie dick, and she told him she had to go home. How fucking horrible is that? Are you kidding me? You just left? Christine, you are a rotten person. But can I say you’re not alone? Any girl who tells me she saw a pinkie dick, my next question is always, “What did you do? What did you do when the guy pulled it out?” And most of the time, they always leave. They walk out. Some girls are nicer than others. I don’t know how you handled it. Like, some girls, you know, the guy pulls out it, they’re like, “Oh, shit. “I just remembered. My sister’s on fire.” “I should have left, like, an hour ago. “I was having so much fun. But I got to–eh…” And then some girls are just mean, like, “Oh, shit, pinkie dick,” and then start trying to, like, periscope or something. Do you think if a guy’s got a pinkie dick– if this is real, right, and the guy’s got a pinkie dick, do you think he’s unaware of the fact the has a pinkie dick? He knows. It haunts him every day of his goddamn life. Every morning he wakes up, and he stares at it angry, and he grabs it with two fingers, and he stretches it as far as it can go, until it’s so thin, it looks like a goddamn Capri Sun straw. And he lets it go, hoping it’s gonna stay where he pulled it to, it just snaps back all angry. Now, if he pulled that shit out for you, that was a big thing for him. All day long he was talking himself into it, like, “Okay, all right, here we go. “Tonight’s the big night. “I like this girl. She likes me. “She’s different. “She’s not gonna walk away like all the rest. “This is a good girl, cool chick. “I’m gonna pull out my pinkie dick tonight. “And she’s gonna go down there, and she’s gonna suck it with the mouth of a whistler.” But they never do. You know what a shot that was, how much of a shot that was to that guy’s psyche? You didn’t care at all, did you? You know why that is? Do you know why you’re callous like that, Christine? Because it’s a pain you will never feel. That’s it. Women walk away from sexual situations like that, laughing, giggling, high-fiving with their girlfriends. But you’ve never had the flip side of that. No guy has ever walked away, ever, from a sexual situation. We don’t do it. We come to do a job, and we finish at all costs. And the problem with that is, it has made you women believe that, like, you’re perfect. And why would a guy ever walk away? Well, let me tell you something. There’s plenty of reasons to walk away. We just don’t do it, because we’re better people than you. There’s a million and one reasons. We should walk away, but we don’t. We come to do a job, and we finish at all costs. And sometimes there’s a price. Do you know how many vaginas I’ve had my face in front of that smelled like boiled hot dog water? Tons, tons. Like Chinatown Dumpsters on clams casino night. Countless. That means more than I can count. Do you know what I did to every one of those vaginas? I ate them, because my face made a promise when I went down there. You don’t walk away from that. You finish the job. You come and you finish. [cheers and applause] Look, don’t cheer me on too much. I mean, you know, I make little comments during it for myself. Like, I’ll pop up, and I’ll be like, “Did you jog here?” And then I’ll go back down. I’m like, “Did you shit while hand-standing today?” I got 80 of those. “Were the front half of a two-person horse costume this afternoon?” “Did you and your best friend fart into each other assholes?” I have a question for you, Christine. Why didn’t you try anal with this guy? If you thought you wouldn’t feel it in your puss, why didn’t you give it a shot in your butt? Grow up. Not into butt stuff at all? You’re not into butt stuff at all, huh? No? How about you, couple? What? – Exit only. – Exit only? And you’re marrying her? Dipshit. You want to be with me, we’re going butthole… at some point. Time and a place, you know? You don’t butt-fuck at home. It’s a hotel game. That’s an away game. [laughter and applause] You don’t butt-fuck at home. Home is where you have, like, you know, family events and host the holidays and shit. You can’t, like– You can’t have your nana eating pumpkin pie on a couch you know you butt-fucked on. She doesn’t know, but you know, and that’s enough to make it weird. Like, “Oh, Nana.” She’s just eating away, has no idea. The ghost of butt-fuck past dragging around. You butt-fuck in hotels. ‘Cause what’s the big concern with butt-fucking? Messy cleanup. It’s not your problem in a hotel. That’s some Mexican lady’s problem in the morning. Don’t feel bad. That’s what you’re paying for, man. You’re on your way to brunch. You’re like, “My bad, Guadalupe. There’s an extra 20 on the end table there for you.” She’s confused. She’s like, “¿Por qué? “Oh, no! “Mi Dios! Está poop!” You could laugh at that joke. You could not laugh at that joke. But you have to admit, that was all legit Spanish. “Está poop.” “It’s poop.” I try to think of things for little dicks. I try to reach out to other little-dick guys and give ideas for things. That’s why I’m so intimidated by black women. This beautiful black woman here. Yeah, fuck, I’m very intimidated by black women. Do we have a lot of black women here? Way in the back, then one up here. Fantastic. This is your boyfriend? White dude. Unfortunately, yeah, I hear you. Hey, whatever, you need a cosigner for a car loan. Big whoop. Got yourself a Kia Sportage now? You fucking… Good for you, dude. You got to be confident for that. Black women intimidate the shit out of me sexually. I’m so attracted to them, but I can’t make a move. I get very nervous. I don’t even jerk off to black girls in porn, which isn’t racial, by the way. I love black dudes in porn. They’re my favorite. Five black dudes banging a chubby white chick while her husband jerks off and cries in a corner… that’s my shit. I keyword search that whole phrase every day. There is a staggering amount of updates. I don’t even do the whole thing. I just put in “Five black,” and it fills in, “…guys fucking…” [light applause] It’s a weird thing to clap for, but all right. The black women– you know what it is? Black women got those big old booties, which I like. That’s my thing. Yeah, you’re an ass man, right? I love it. I love looking at it. And then when I see it, I’m like, “I want that.” And then I put it into, like, an actual sexual context, and I get very insecure. You know what I mean? You get it, right? You understand what I’m saying. Like, the big–and then you– I see that big butt, and as a white dude, I don’t know if I have enough dick to get through all that cheek to hit the holes. And I feel like, with a black woman, I’m gonna end up, like, titty-fucking her butt cheeks for a half hour. That’s not gonna make her have a good time. That’s gonna make her make a hilarious black-woman phone call, like, “Girl, this white boy “just titty-fucked my butt cheeks. “Leg of lamb, leg of lamb. [humming soulfully] * *White boy just titty-fucked my butt cheeks * * Oh, wow, wow [laughter] Can I say something to you guys real quick? This is–with the exception– This sounds like Rocky speech. With the exception of the day my daughter was born 13 years ago, this is, hands down, the most amazing night of my entire fucking life. It is, you guys. [cheers and applause] And I love you so much for sharing it with me. And it wouldn’t have happened without you guys. So I fucking love you so much. Thank you. I love you. Good night. [cheers and applause] – Ladies and gentlemen, Big Jay Oakerson! [heavy rock music] ** [cheers and applause] [heavy rock music] *

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

AZIZ ANSARI: INTIMATE MOMENTS FOR A SENSUAL EVENING (2010) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-intimate-moments-sensual-evening-2010-full-transcript/

Recorded on July 1, 2009 at The Brentwood Theatre in Los Angeles. – Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Aziz Ansari! – Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Whoa, whoa. Oh, wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That’s so nice of you guys. Thank you. “Gay Rights” I recently moved to Los Angeles and, you know, a big issue here and everywhere in the country right now is gay rights. And I was walking down the street once, and this guy came up to me with a clipboard. And he goes, “hey, man. Do you have a moment for gay rights?” and I went, “sorry, man. I’m in a little bit of a rush.” and then that dude watched me walk into a Jamba Juice. And he was a little upset. He was like, “really, man? “you’re in a rush to get to Jamba Juice? I’m out here trying to make a difference.” and I was like, “well, actually, man, “there’s a guy that works in that Jamba Juice “that said some really hateful stuff “about a close gay friend of mine and I’m going in there to stab him.” and then I pulled out two knives and I tossed him one. I was like, “do you have a moment for gay rights? “oh, didn’t think so. “so sit there with your little clipboard and judge me. “I kill for gay people. I make a difference. You don’t do shit.” I actually had a gay friend of mine get real mad at me ’cause of a text message I sent him. And I looked at my phone and I realized it wasn’t my fault. It was my phone’s fault. I got that feature on there called smart type, where you type things and it guesses what you’re typing. But sometimes it guesses wrong. Like, you’ll type in “gave.” it’ll guess “have.” texts get misinterpreted. That’s what happened to me. What I was trying to send my gay friend Greg was a text that said, “hey, Greg. “don’t think I can come to the bar. Tired. Gonna hit the hay.” that’s what I was trying to send. But what smart type decided to send was, “hey, Greg. “don’t think I can come to the bar. Tired. Gonna hit the hay, you faggot. Fuck you.” whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Smart type, that ain’t what I was trying to say! Why you getting all homophobic on me? Greg’s gonna pissed off about that text! Now my whole take on, you know, the gay rights issues, particularly gay marriage is- let’s be honest. If you’re against gay marriage, you just don’t like gay people, and you want to stick it to ’em. And I’m not saying I wouldn’t do the same thing if I was presented with similar opportunities. Like if there was a law up for debate where it was like, “hey, man, you think guys that wear tight t-shirts “and get bottle service at nightclubs should be allowed to own property?” I’d be like, “no! Fuck those guys!” ha-ha-ha-ha! Yeah, um… It violates the sanctity of owning property and it says in the bible they’re douchebags. Whatever I need to say so you don’t think this is coming from purely a place of hate. “Sheets” I was getting some sheets down at bed bath & beyond. Man, they got so many sheets! I was looking around and I saw this guy and he didn’t know what to buy, and he looked all confused. And he looks over at me and goes, “man, this is why I need a girlfriend.” and I was like, “really? This is why you need a girlfriend?” So if you had a girlfriend, you wouldn’t even be here. You’d be back at your house sitting on a la-z-boy, drinking a beer, going, “bitch, go get me some sheets! “Yeah, I’m in a relationship now! “I don’t have to buy my own domestic goods! “pick up one of those bottles we can put sticks in “and make the room smell like vanilla bean. “I been farting all day. It smells like shit in here!” Now all I know about sheets is… The higher the thread count, the better the sheet, right? This lady’s like, “right. Yeah. “I got 700 back at my house. It’s like sleeping in lotion.” So I’m looking around, trying to find some nice sheets. I see this brand called hotel luxury linens. 600-thread count. That sounds fancy too, right? Got a girl back at your place, she’s like, “oh, my god. Did we just teleport to a five-star hotel?” Nah, baby. These are just hotel luxury linens. By the way, the technology for teleportation doesn’t exist yet. You must be kind of stupid. So I grabbed the sheets and I get ’em home. And I’m psyched to put ’em on my bed, right? And I feel ’em and they feel a little rough to the touch. I get a little suspicious. I do a little googling. I find an investigative report in Southern Living magazine, where they investigated thread count claims, an issue that definitely needed delving into. And they had a little chart, and it said “brand, advertised thread count, actual thread count.” so it’s like, “brand, Wamsutta. “Advertised, 500. Actual, 497. “brand, soft sheets. Advertised, 600. “actual, 600. “brand, hotel luxury linens. “advertised, 600. Actual… 296!” are you shittin’ me, man? I almost slept on that shit! 296 is sandpaper as far as I’m concerned. If that was a drug deal, I would have shot hotel luxury linens in the face. Where the rest of my threads? You didn’t think I was gonna count that shit, motherfucker? “CVS / Getting the Sniffles on a Flight” I was down at CVS, and I had a rather odd assortment of items I needed to get. I had to get a liter of jack Daniels, a two-liter bottle of coca-cola, a box of condoms, and a ten-pack of blank CDR discs. And I thought it’d be awesome if every morning I went and bought those same four things for, like, six months, just to develop this really weird reputation with the staff there, where they’d be like, “hold on a second, man. “This guy drinks a liter of jack and coke every day. “Has sex 12 times a day. “And then burns ten blank CDs? “ten blank CDs? “10 discs, that’s like 7.5 gigs a day. “What kind of data’s he backing up? “Would it make more sense just to get “an external hard drive at this point? “is he burning music? “wouldn’t it make more sense just to get an iPod? “maybe he’s making mixed CDs for all these girls “that he’s fuckin’. “Two of those girls ain’t getting CDs though. “which two are those? Which two don’t get the CDs?” I got to travel a lot when I’m doing stand-up, and I was on a flight one time and I had a little bit of a runny nose. And so I went like this… All of a sudden, the guy next to me goes, “hey, man! “you gonna blow your nose, or am I gonna “have to listen to you have the sniffles for six fucking hours?” and I was stunned for two reasons. One, I couldn’t believe he’d be so rude to a total stranger. And two, I never heard the word “sniffles” and “fucking” in the same sentence together before. “Craigslist AD” Clap if you use Craigslist. Hold on a second though. I’m not talking about like, “oh, hey, I’m looking for an apartment,” Craigslist. I’m talking about, “give me a handjob, I’ll give you my coffee table.” like that kind of Craigslist. That’s Craigslist. I saw a post like that once where this guy was trying to sell concert tickets and this is what he posted up there. He goes, “willing to give up two tickets “for the sold-out show tonight. “must be female, age 20 to 25, “and be willing to perform oral sex “for a half hour in my car. “must remove shirt and bra. Your friend can be there for security.” now that guy’s insane and you can tell, ’cause he put that phrase in there. “must remove shirt and bra.” ’cause that implies he’s done this in the past and the girl was like, “hold on! You didn’t say nothing about my shirt and bra coming off.” he’s like, “damn, I gotta remember to put that “in the ad next time. I want to see some titties.” and then he acts like he’s throwing you a bone by putting that phrase in there. “your friend can be there for security.” really? Well, that’s gonna be a tough favor to ask for. “hey, Denise. “yeah, it’s me, Carol. “let me ask you something. “you ever done any security work before? “well, it’s nothing too crazy, “but I’m gonna be blowing this guy “for a half hour in his car, “and I just need you to sit in the back seat “and make sure he doesn’t do anything sketchy. “by the way, you mind holding my shirt and bra? Those will be off!” Now, I went to that concert. I got tickets in advance and I got there and you know what I saw? They were selling extra tickets at the door. Selling extra tickets at the door! Could you imagine blowing a guy for a half hour for sold-out concert tickets and then finding out they’re selling them at the door? That’d be like blowing a guy for a half hour for sold-out concert tickets and then finding out they’re selling ’em at the door. There’s no other way to complete that analogy ’cause that’s the shittiest thing that could ever happen to you. “My Random Roommate” One thing that scares me about, like, Craigslist and stuff is that people go on there and they find random roommates. That’s a terrifying proposition to me. Like, the one time I had a random roommate, it did not go well. Like, I would come in the room and it’d always smell like tuna. And I’d be like, “whoa! “not in my top five smells for the room to have. Why’s it always smell like tuna?” and it’s ’cause this guy will eat cans of Starkist tuna all the time. And you know all the juices there at the bottom when you’re finished? He’d shoot the juice back like a tequila shot. Yes, I agree it’s disgusting. If you’d approached me on the street like, “hey, Aziz. “what’s the most disgusting thing you can catch your new roommate doing?” I’d be like, “drinking the tuna juice at the bottom of a Starkist tuna can.” they’d be like, “man, that’s a really specific answer.” there’s other things like he played the flute all the time. Nothing wrong with playing the flute, but he’d only play one song on the flute. Celine Dion’s My heart will go on, the theme song to Titanic. If you’d approach me on the street like, “hey, Aziz, “what’s the most annoying song a dude could play on the flute all the time?” I’d be like, “Celine Dion’s My heart will go on, the theme song to Titanic.” and you’d be like, “god damn, you’re really good at this game.” but the craziest thing was towards the end of our time together. He was acting really weird and I didn’t know what was going on, so I asked a friend of his. I was like, “hey, man, what’s up with this guy?” and he goes, “oh… “he thinks he’s possessed by scar, the evil lion from the lion king movies.” oh, yes! That happens! Sure! If you’d approached me on the street like, “hey, Aziz. “what’s the most random Disney villain a kid could think he’s possessed by?” I’d be like, “scar, the evil lion from the Lion King movies.” and you’d be like… “Sorry, it’s actually the hockey team from Iceland in the Mighty Ducks 2.” now… I have a small update on that joke. I was looking around on the internet one day, and I saw this blog had written about me. I looked in the comments thread and some guy had written, “I lived with this guy. He’s a douchebag.” it was that fucking guy! Oh, really? I’m a douchebag, huh? Well, you don’t tell all these people about how you did tuna juice shots all day. Oh, you don’t talk about that. You just say I’m a douchebag. Well, if I’m a douchebag, this is what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna find out where that guy lives, right? I’m gonna go outside his house, like, outside his window real late at night, right? And wait till it’s, like, really late and I’m just gonna go, and he’d be like, “no! The demons! “they’re back! Scar, get away from me! Leave me alone!” what I should have done is just went on the comments thread under the username “hyenas” and wrote, “watch out, motherfucker!” “Getting Recognized in New York” I used to live in New York and I love living there ’cause you can walk around everywhere. And, you know, when I walk around, sometimes people recognize me from things they’ve seen me on TV or whatever and they’d say, you know, stuff, and a lot of times I wouldn’t hear what they said ’cause I’d have headphones on. So I’d kind of just go, “cool, man. Glad you like the show,” and I’d just keep walking. And this one guy said something to me one time and I went, “cool, man. Glad you like the show.” and then right when I walked past him, I realized, “oh, man, that guy didn’t say anything about the show.” He went, “hey, man, your fly’s down.” And I went, “cool, man. Glad you like the show. “glad you like seeing my dick pop out of my pants. Come back next week, you can see one of my balls.” “Walking with Dinosaurs” I went to a cool show in New York once called walking with dinosaurs. And it was this thing where they had these, like, Animatronic Dinosaurs that would, like, walk around. It was really cool. But I was the only person there really in my age group. It was mostly, like, little kids and their parents. And I was bored waiting for the show to start, so I started talking to this little kid next to me, and he was pretty cool. He was, like, maybe eight, ten years old. We had a lot in common though, you know? Like, we both played call of Duty 4 on the Xbox. We both really had similar theories about what was really going on on Lost. And he was just a cool kid. And eventually his dad was like, “hey, Brian, “I’m gonna go make a couple phone calls. “you think you’ll be all right here talking to your new friend?” he’s like, “okay, dad.” and the dad leaves for, like, a really long time. And, you know, I’m not a child molester at all. But if I was, I’d have been like, “somebody’s doing some molestin’ tonight! “let’s do this shit, Brian! “your dad doesn’t give a fuck about you! “he left you alone with a grown man “with a full beard at walking with dinosaurs! “clearly I’m out here scouting and you are my man!” I’m just saying I could have fucked that kid. “Simple Man Cruise” I’m originally from South Carolina, and- thank you. And my brother sent me something that really reminded me of how crazy it is down there. It was a promo video for this thing called “The Simple Man Cruise.” and this is this cruise ship where they get all these southern rock bands like.38 special, the Marshall Tucker band, Lynyrd Skynyrd and they throw ’em on a boat. All these rednecks get on board, they set out to sea, and it’s scary as shit! ‘Cause I’ve never seen rednecks like this before. I lived in South Carolina for 18 years. Never saw people like this. This one dude gets on the screen, he’s like, “aw, hell, man. “you can swing a dead cat around here, you bound to hit a good guitar player.” what the hell does that mean? I don’t know, but I like the way this guy talks. I want him to review everything for me in my life. Like when I need an opinion, I’ll go to him. I’ll be like, “hey, man, I was thinking “about buying some CDs at that music store “down on, like, sunset. Is that a good place to buy music?” “aw, hell, man. “you can go in there and sling a pot “of creamed corn, some of it’s bound “to land on some great new and used CDs. “you might get a little corn on your CDs, “but that’s easy to clean off, especially if you have a biscuit.” okay, man. I was thinking about buying a Prius. Is that a good car to get? “aw, man, here’s what you need to do. “run down to the woods, find two dead possums, “pick ’em up, turn ’em into puppets, “be like, ‘hey, man, I was thinking about “‘buying a Prius. That a good car to get?’ “‘I don’t know nothing about cars. “I’m just a possum.’ to answer your question, yeah.” Uh, hey, man. I was seeing about buying an LCD TV. Is it a good time to buy an LCD TV? “here’s what you need to do, man. “go down to that electronics store in la brea, “jerk off on 12 biscuits, sling ’em around, “one of them’s bound to hit a great LCD TV. “you might catch a little hell for what you did to those biscuits, but you’re gonna get a great deal.” “My Cousin Harris” How many of you guys- clap if you still haven’t seen The Dark Knight yet. If you still haven’t seen The Dark Knight, clap. What the fuck is wrong with you people? That movie’s incredible! My favorite review of that movie is from my little cousin Harris that’s 14 years old and lives in Georgia. And I love Harris ’cause he has really odd choices in entertainment. Like, his favorite TV shows are hour-long dramas on USA and TNT. Like, you know how you see billboards for shows like burn notice. You’re like, “who the heck watches burn notice?” Harris watches burn notice! He loves it! Harris told me his senior quote’s gonna be, “TNT knows drama.” you call up Harris, you hear things like, “hey, Harris. What’s going on?” “I’m pissed off, man! “my dad just erased all my shows from the DVR. Guess I won’t find out what happens on Las Vegas this week.” who DVRs Las Vegas? Josh Duhamel doesn’t DVR Las Vegas. And you don’t get that joke, ’cause Josh Duhamel’s the star of Las Vegas, and nobody watches Las Vegas! So I asked Harris- I’m like, “hey, Harris. You like The Dark Knight?” “yeah.” “is it better than burn notice?” “yeah.” “is it better than Las Vegas?” “yeah.” “is it better than eating at cinnabon?” “no.” hey, I knew that would get him, ’cause he’s a little chubby guy and he loves shoving cinnabons into his little chubby face. And I love that about him! I love that he’s chubby. ‘Cause there’s not a lot of chubby little Indian kids. Most of them are small and skinny like me, but every now and then you see a chubby one and it’s awesome! It’s kind of like seeing a shooting star only it’s fat, brown, and on the ground. “Harassing Harris on Facebook” I’ve found Harris to be most entertained at me when he’s really angry at me. And I found the quickest way to get him angry is to fuck with him on Facebook. He does not like it. He’s got his little updates meticulously planned like, “Harris just became a big fan of will smith.” and I’ll write up there, “fuck will smith.” and he’ll be like, “why did you do that?” and so one time I noticed he was posting a lot on a study group for his world history class. And I was like, “I know what I’ll do. “I’ll join the study group. “I’ll write all this dumb shit on there, “Harris will get really pissed, and it’ll be awesome.” and that’s exactly how that shit went down! As soon as I started posting, I started getting all these, like, angry I.m.s from Harris. He’s like, “hey, man, you need to get off the boards.” and I was like, “why?” he’s like, “the admins are getting on my case.” and he posts this conversation he had with the admin, where the admin’s like, “hey, Harris, who’s Aziz?” he’s like, “my cousin. Why do you ask?” he goes, “he’s posting on a.p. World wall. Do you know what period he has a.p. World?” and Harris writes in all caps, “no! You got to boot him now!” with, like, 30 “o”s, 30 “w”s, and 50 exclamation points. And other people are starting to get suspicious of my presence on the board as well. Maybe because I’m supposed to be in the ninth grade and I have a full beard. But I’m trying to act like I belong, right? That I’m in the class and I know what’s up. So there was, like, a controversy about this one quiz question, and I was like, “I know what I’ll do. “I’ll go independently do some research “and I’ll post my findings on the board. They’ll think I’m smart and that I belong in the class.” so the next post I wrote was, “guys, I’ve been doing some research. “I think the views on salvation in Buddhism and Christianity “are far from similar. “in Buddhism, salvation is something one can only “achieve through the noble eightfold path, “whereas in Christianity, salvation is given “to all those whom accept Jesus Christ as their savior. “quote, ‘for whomsoever shall call upon the name of the lord’ “‘shall be saved,’ Romans 10:13. “I hate to say it, guys, but our teacher Mr. Edelstein is right.” bam! And then I waited, like, two minutes and then I wrote this. “guys, I just got an email from Mr. Edelstein! “he read what I wrote here and gave me “an extra point on the quiz. “he said I showed initiative and critical thinking skills. What a cool guy!” and then this kid replied, “what?” and then at this point, Harris got fucking furious. He’s like, “I don’t know if you should have wrote that wall post, Aziz,” and I was like, “why?” he goes, “what if people go in tomorrow and say, “‘hey Edelstein, I heard you gave Aziz “‘an extra point on the quiz. “‘can I get an extra point back too, “because I put the same thing he did?’ “and he’ll be like, ‘I don’t teach Aziz. That person doesn’t exist.'” and I was like, “fuck you, Harris. I do exist.” and then he starts attacking me publicly on the boards. He writes in all caps, “Aziz, get out of this group!” with, like, a bunch of exclamation points and then emoticons that are like- and I was like, “what’s that supposed to be, Harris, you eating cinnabon all day?” and then I started mounting my offensive. I started poking him like crazy. I started sending him vampire requests, whatever the fuck that is. He’s like, “I don’t know what’s going on.” and then he writes up there- he goes, “hey, everyone. “if I were you, I wouldn’t go to Edelstein “and ask for points back on that question. I’m positive you won’t get the points back.” and then I write, “no, guys. “I just talked to Edelstein again. “you’ll definitely get the points back. “just mention my name and the fact that I exist. Fuck you, Harris!” then- and then this kid writes, “you’re not even in this class. You’re the guy from that TV show.” and some other kid writes, “what TV show are you on?” and I write, “gossip girl.” and then I got kicked the fuck out. “Are White People Psyched All the Time?” I do this- do this TV show right now, and, you know, when you promote a TV show you’re on, you got to do a lot of interviews and stuff. And I was doing an interview once and this guy goes, “so you must be pretty psyched by all this Slumdog Millionaire stuff.” and I like, “um, yeah, I am! “I have no idea why though. “I had nothing to do with that movie. “it’s just some people that kind of look like me “are in this movie that everyone loves and winning Oscars and stuff.” and I was like, “whoa, whoa, whoa. Are white people just psyched all the time?” it’s like, “back to the future, that’s us! “Godfather, that’s us! Godfather Part Two, that’s us! “departed, that’s us! Sunset Boulevard, that’s us! “Citizen Kane, that’s us! Jaws, that’s us! “every fucking movie but Slumdog Millionaire “and Boyz n the Hood is us! We are white people! Suck our dicks!” “MTV’s Next” I did this show on MTV once and, um, MTV’s great. They let us do this show, and let us make it awesome however we wanted, and creatively, they were so awesome and it was so cool. However, I got to say, some of the shows on the network, not really my cup of tea. Uh, mainly because I don’t like huge pieces of shit in my tea. I- I was watching this dating show on there called Next. Man, if anyone here has ever been a contestant on Next, do me a favor and go away and die. ‘Cause you’re a horrible person and I don’t want comedy bringing any kind of satisfaction into your miserable existence. First guy that comes out, right? He’s the guy going out on the dates. And he comes up there and he says this-he goes, “yo, this girl better be pretty, “’cause if she’s a pain in the ass, I’m gonna need something cute to look at.” and I was stunned that he could say that. That’s so offensive. And at the same time, on my show, they didn’t want us to say that a character was raped by a dinosaur. Raped by a dinosaur! ‘Cause that’s too offensive. Oh, I guess they didn’t want all these angry letters from paleontologists who are like, “hey, man! “there’s nothing in the fossil records to suggest “that kind of behavior. So why don’t you chill with your accusations?” And then after you meet this dude, then you meet the girls he’s going out on the dates with. And they come up there and they say things like, “if he has a neck tattoo, I’m gonna lick it.” It’s like whoa! How slutty can you be in five seconds? And after they say that, they freeze, and, like, three facts about ’em pop up on the left side. And the first two facts are always really normal, but the third fact always comes way out of left field. It’s always like, “Monica’s 22. “she’s a hairdresser in Hollywood and she hates purple gift wrap.” Like, how does that define her as a person?” and the whole show just bummed me out, man. ‘Cause the things they try to keep off TV are just, like, really explicit sex or violence, and no one cares about their kids seeing attitudes like that on TV, and that’s way worse to me. Like, I’d much rather have a daughter that grew up and shot me in the leg and burned my house down, then some really slutty girl that, “hates the sound of people eating bananas.” My favorite third fact I ever saw on Next though was this one guy named Clarence. His third fact was that he hates the phrase “river view.” you didn’t mishear me. When the words “river” and “view” start coming together, Clarence is like, “hold up! Don’t do that!” I was like, “what would make a man hate the phrase ‘river view’?” and I could only think of one scenario and it’s terrible, but I have to share it with you. So one day, this guy Clarence is coming home, right? And he’s walking down a dark alley, and gets jumped by this motorcycle gang and they just start raping him, right? And all he can see is this sign that says “river view.” and these guys are just like, “say it, Clarence! Say it!” he’s like, “river view! River view! River view! River view! River view! R- r-r-r-r-roo!” so, yeah, if you were raped by the river view rape gang, sure, hate the phrase “river view.” otherwise just stop looking at property in that area! I think you noticed something really weird about me when I do that bit, and that is that I’m a very lazy rapist. I just bend my knees a little bit, very low impact. Anybody that’s worried about getting raped by me after the show is like, “man, it’s not gonna be that bad. “I got raped by Aziz after the show last night. That was pretty refreshing.” “The J-1 Waiver” I met this guy when I was back home last time who was a doctor and he moved from some country in Asia to Alabama. And I was like, “man, out of all the states in the country, why would you choose Alabama?” and he goes, “oh, well, I don’t have my green card yet, “so if I work in a place that’s underserved, like Alabama, they’ll give me a waiver.” I was like, “whoa, that’s kind of a weird deal.” government’s like, “oh, yeah, you can come “to the united states. Come on. Come on. “yeah, you, come on. Come on. Come on. But you got to go to Alabama.” it’s kind of like a girl going, “yeah, you can see me naked, “but you can only look at my left elbow and my left elbow’s racist.” “Using My BlackBerry While Driving” I like living in l.a. One thing I don’t like about living here is driving. I always get bored when I’m driving. And when I get bored, I go on the internet on my blackberry, so I’m gonna die! And whenever they go through the wreckage, they’ll find my phone and be like, “whoa! That’s what he looked up right before he died?” gonna be so sad. It’ll be like, “comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. “he was struck by another vehicle “while using imdb to see if Val Kilmer “was indeed in the film willow. “representatives from Mr. Kilmer confirmed he was “indeed in the the film, and hopes this will prevent “future tragedies of this nature. “this is the third willow-related death this year. “Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. “he was struck by another vehicle while checking “showtimes for up on fandango. “he just purchased a single ticket for a 4:00 show “at a $2 theater in order to live out “the saddest afternoon of all-time. “comedy bad boy Aziz Ansari, a- k-a comedy heartthrob “Aziz Ansari, was killed in an awful automobile accident today. “he was struck by another vehicle while googling his own name.” I do do that, man. It’s hard not to. Everyone I know, they google their name, see what people write, and it’s so funny to read it, ’cause people always think like, “oh, man, there’s no way he’d have time to ever read this.” ha-ha! Yeah, I do. I don’t do anything! I take naps all day! And… I read this one time this girl, like, had written about, like, how she had a celebrity crush… On me. And it’s funny, ’cause she never thought in a million years that I’d read that. You know, never in a million years would I read that. But I did. So one day I’m just gonna email her and be like, “hey! It’s me, Aziz! “I heard you have a celebrity crush on me. “I’m a lot lonelier than you think I am. Where is your house? I will come there now!” “Bonnaroo” I love performing at music festivals. That’s always fun. I did this festival called Bonnaroo and it’s really cool, ’cause they have, like, indie-rock stuff and, like, hippie stuff coming together. Like, they had this weird hippie thing there called “the sonic forest.” and that was basically- they’d have these poles set up and you’d slap the sides of the poles and all these bells and whistles and lights would go off and they had, like, 30 of ’em in one little area, and it was like, “that’s the sonic forest.” I was like, “man, how dumb are those hippies to be entertained by something so stupid?” and then the last day I was there, I ate mushrooms. And then I was like, * sonic forest * I totally get you now and I slapped the shit out of those poles for, like, four hours, ’cause the sonic forest is the greatest idea ever! I did a festival in Telluride, Colorado, once. It’s a ski town. Not a lot of minorities there. And I was talking to this dude and he was like, “yo, man, before you go, I got to ask you one thing. Where are you from?” And I went, “well, I’m from south Carolina, but my parents are from India.” And he went, “what? But you talk exactly like I do!” And I was like, “well, I mean, here’s the thing, man. “There’s a lot of people that come here from other countries “and, you know, they have children here, “they grow up in this society, “and sometimes they don’t have accents. They’re called immigrants.” And then I showed him a video of an Asian kid rapping, and his head exploded. “Cold Stone Creamery” I went to a place recently I think is one of the most fucked up places I’ve ever been to. I’m convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I’m talking about a place called cold stone creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of cold stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape shit with it. They’re just, like, slamming brownies and gummy bears and just hammering it in there. Whatever fat people want in there. Snickers bar, cheeseburger! Let me fuck a butterfinger into it for you. It’s like, “whoa! Whoa! Whoa! “Jesus! “this is way too intense for me. “is that guy’s dick a butterfinger? “what just happened? “whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! “I think I’ll just have a small cup of vanilla if that’s okay. This is just too intense for me.” lady behind the counter’s like, “no, no, no! “you should try one of our creations “like birthday cake remix, where we take cake batter ice cream, yellow cake, fudge chunks, sprinkles!” It’s like, “you know, that just sounds too intense for me. I’ll just have a small cup of vanilla.” she goes, “quit being a bitch!” Whoa! And then I couldn’t even get a small ’cause their sizes are actually, “like it,” “love it,” and “gotta have it”! What kind of crackhead terminology is that? “hey, what size you want, man?” “I don’t know, man! I just gotta have it! “put some ice cream in a cup! I’m tweaking! I’m tweaking! I’m tweaking!” And, you know, I felt bad for people that had to work there, man. So I was like, “aww, I’m gonna drop a couple of dollars in the tip jar on my way out.” whoa, that’s when all hell broke loose! ‘Cause apparently whenever they get even $1 in the tip jar, all five employees are required to bump out into a song and dance number where they take current popular music and shove cold stone lingo into it, as if they’re some retarded second cousin of weird al that’s obsessed with ice cream. And it’s ridiculous. Five people are singing and dancing for $1. That’s 20 cents a person! If you saw a homeless dude outside a cold stone, you’re like, “hey, man, I’ll give you 20 cents to sing some songs about cold stone.” He’d go, “hey, man. Go fuck yourself! That’s degrading!” “Something Cool to Say to M.I.A.” One thing that’s cool about doing those music festivals is, you know, you get to meet musicians and stuff that, like, you’re a fan of, and, you know, that’s always cool for me. Like, I met m.I.a. Once, and, um, I was like, “man, I got to say something cool to M.I.A. She’s so cool!” I was like, “this is what I’ll do. “I’m say something in Tamil, “this obscure, southeast Asian language that we both happen to speak.” here’s the thing. I don’t speak Tamil that well. Like, I would never say something like this, but if I wanted to say, “you have beautiful breasts,” I couldn’t say that. What I’d have to say is- which translates to, “for you, right here, it’s awesome.” which is a terrible line! “A Night Out with Kanye West” One time, in L.A., Kanye West came to one of my shows, and I was so psyched. I’m such a huge Kanye West fan. And everything he did to me was so funny. Like, he was in the bathroom for, like, a really long time. And then he came out, he goes, “yo, just so you know, I was on “an important phone call. I wasn’t taking a shit.” But, um, when he was leaving, he was like, “yo, man, we should hang out sometime. That’d be cool, right?” and I was like, “yeah, that’d be crazy. I’m such a huge fan. That’d be awesome.” so this is the story of the first time I hung out with Kanye West. So he texts me, he’s like, “yo, we’re at this club. Come down.” so I grab my friend Jason, who’s another guy that does not look like he belong in a hip-hop nightclub. And we head over there, right? And we get there, we get in the club, and they’re like, “yo, we’re at capacity.” I was like, “well, Kanye West told me to come down.” and he was like, “somebody’s gonna have to come and get you.” and so I texted Kanye. I was like, “hey, man, like, they’re at capacity.” I said, “someone needs to get me.” and then before I could even hit “send,” I get a text from him, “on my way!” and he comes out. He’s like- and we go in. It was really cool of him to come get us. And we go inside, and, like, he’s sitting there at a table with, like, jay-z and all these models and stuff and, like, we just did not belong there. Like, if you had a photo of that table, you’d be like, “who photoshopped those two dudes in there? That was a really good job.” and- you know, Jay-z’s there drinking vodka he makes. Like, how baller is that? Jay-z signed the tab, money went back into his own pocket. He was like, “you’re crazy for this one, jay. Hov! Pshh!” and so Kanye eventually goes, “yo, man. “we’re heading back to the crib. You want to come down?” I was like, “yeah, that’d be awesome. That’d be crazy to see your house.” and so we go down there, me and Jason, and we get there pretty early. And there’s no one really there, and I walk in and I hear 808s and heartbreak playing, which is his album. And I walk up and I see him sitting on the couch. He’s like… “shh!” I was like, “yo, man. “are you listening to your own album in your own house, bopping your own head?” and he goes, “yeah. These beats are dope.” and I go, “that’d be like if I had a stand-up album, “you came over to my house and I was listening to it going, ‘ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! These jokes are dope.'” and we’re sitting there hanging out at his house, and, like, everything that Kanye said to me made me laugh so hard. Like, at one point we were, like, sitting there talking about music. Like, talking about TV on the radio or something, and, like, he just, like, cut me off. He was like, “yo, man. Hold on a second.” and he said the greatest thing I will ever hear in my life. He goes, “hold on a second. “I’ma go over there and look in the telescope with this girl with the big titties.” and then later on, you know, he was talking about coming to my show, and he was like, “man, I had a good time at your show.” and I was like, “oh, thank you for coming.” you know, and he’s like, “yo, man. “you know what you need to do tonight? You need to do some of your jokes.” and I was like, “oh, man. “you know what I need to do tonight? Not do that.” but he kept bringing it up. He was like, “come on, man. Please? “it’d be really cool if you did some jokes, man. It’d be really cool.” and eventually I had a couple more drinks. I was like, “fuck it! I’ll do some jokes!” and next thing you know, like, my friend Jason’s in the living room like, “this next comedian coming to the stage… ” and, like, I come up to the living room, and, like, he’s got, like, 30 people arranged in his living room and I’m, like, telling my jokes and this is a nightmare situation for a comedian. But everyone was very quiet and nice. They listened, they laughed, and it was great. But my favorite part was, every now and then, someone would be in the kitchen, like, making a drink or something like that, and they’d make a little noise, and then Kanye would jump up and be like, “yo, shut the fuck up! Homie’s over here trying to tell some jokes!” which is the best thing anyone’s ever yelled at a comedy show. “Kanye West vs. Darwish” My cousin Darwish, who is Harris’ older brother, actually got into a little bit of a tiff with Kanye. And, you know, Darwish is, like, 18 years old, so he just started listening to music. And, um, he would always I.m. Me about new bands he’d heard of or whatever. And one time he’s like, “Aziz, have you ever heard “of Kanye West? That song amazing, it’s amazing!” and he was like, “are there any other good rappers I should listen to?” I was like, “oh, you ever listen to any Wu-tang clan?” he’s like, “no, but I’ve heard of him. He raps a lot about karate, right?” and I was like, “not exactly.” and… So I copied that conversation and emailed it to Kanye. And he responded back right away. He goes, “wow! New fans! Yay! More people that don’t hate me!” that’s how his emails sound to me. And- and then a little bit later, I get another I-m from Darwish. He’s like, “Aziz! “that Kanye song flashing lights, “that’s a rip-off of a NE-Yo track. Kanye stole that beat!” and I was like, “really?” he’s like, “yeah. What’s Kanye’s email?” and I was like, “you’re really gonna email him?” and he goes, “I don’t know. It’s pretty messed up.” and so I was like, “I’ll email him for you.” and so I send that conversation to him. I was like, “oh, shit. Darwish is accusing you of jacking beats, homie!” and then responds back right away. He goes, “no! That song came out afterwards!” and I showed that to Darwish, and, you know, Darwish apologized and, you know, I just pasted all those conversations on my web site. And then the next day, I went on Kanye’s blog and I saw this. That’s my cousin Darwish! Kanye west versus Darwish! So I called up Darwish, and I’m like, “hey, Darwish. Have you been on Kanye’s web site before?” he’s like, “no. He’s got a web site?” keep in mind, Darwish is now, like, the hugest Kanye west fan right now. And I was like, “have you been on his web site?” he was like, “no.” I was like, “go on there right now.” he goes on there. He goes, “what? I gotta go change my Facebook status!” click. “R. Kelly: The Pied Piper of R&B” You know, my favorite musician that I’ve ever met was, uh, r. Kelly, I think. And, um, in case you’re not familiar, R. Kelly is a brilliant r&b singer/crazy person. Like, they did an interview with him on b.e.t., right? And the guy doing the interview was probably a guy like me. You know, huge fan of R. Kelly and his music, and hopes he really is innocent of those terrible things he’s accused of. So first question, the guy goes, “now, Robert, are you attracted to teenage girls?” and R. Kelly- you know, if you’re R. Kelly, that’s easy, right? All you gotta do is be like, “no, not at all. No!” that’s all you gotta do, right? That’s all you gotta do. That is not what R. Kelly does. R. Kelly goes, “define ‘teenage.’ ” literally the worst answer! The only worse answer would have been he went, “ha, yeah.” so that’s the person we’re dealing with. So I go to his concert with my friend Jason. We get there. Show’s sold out. People are psyched for R. Kelly. Jason looks over at me and goes, “hey, Aziz. “me and you are the only two white people at this concert.” and I was like, “first of all, Jason, I’m not white. “second of all, you’re the only white guy at this concert. We might kill you, Jason!” so the concert starts, and it’s incredible. R. Kelly is the best showman. Like, he has this part in the show where he has sex with an invisible woman. You can see the sound effects. So he’s, like, taking off her blouse. And then when he does the… A spotlight shoots out of his cock, and then goes over the whole audience like he’s coming on the whole crowd. And then a spotlight hits a screen, and the screen explodes! And I was like, “whoa! “you are not gonna see shit like that at a modest mouse concert!” wow! And then, like, there’s all this other weird stuff. Like, at one point, he leaves the stage, right? And they cut to a video of him playing basketball with his friends. Lasts about four minutes. Comes back on stage. Goes into the next song. Doesn’t address why he showed that video! You can’t do shit like that! I can’t leave the stage, show you some video of me playing foosball with my buddies, and then come back and be like, “man, iPhones are crazy.” you’d be like, “yo, man, what was up “with that video you showed? “you got to explain that shit! That was weird!” then, you know, we go backstage and meet him at the end of the show. He’s very nice. He’s like, “hey, you guys should come to this afterparty we’re doing.” and I was like, “yeah, sure.” and so we go to this nightclub and once again, Jason and I are the only two white people there. And when people know R. Kelly’s in a nightclub, they lose their shit. And then he took the stage and people went nuts. And he started doing that song that’s like, “I’m in love with a stripper.” and he’s doing the song and at one point, this woman just jumps onstage and starts giving him a lap dance. She finishes the lap dance and R. Kelly goes, “* who can top that shit * who can top that shit ” second woman comes onstage, gives him an even crazier lap dance. And R. Kelly goes, “* who can top that shit * who can top that shit ” third woman comes onstage with humongous breasts, whips ’em out, slaps the first three rows, grabs R. Kelly’s head and just goes, “arrgh!” and then R. Kelly pops out his head and goes, “* whoa “* ain’t nobody gonna top that shit * * I’m out ” and he leaves. And I was like, “whoa! What a performance!” But… My favorite- my absolute favorite part of the R. Kelly show was, like, 20 minutes in, he stops everything, and he starts talking to the crowd. And what’s great about that is that r. Kelly does not talk like you and I talk. He talks like r. Kelly talks. So he goes like this. “* ladies and gentlemen “* I don’t know the name of this building * “* but the people that run this building * “* they said ‘Robert’ “* ‘you’ve been only doing your show for 20 minutes * “* ‘and it’s already getting too fre-e-e-e-e-e-e-eaky tonight’ * “* they said ‘Robert’ “* they said ‘motherfucking Robert’ * “* ‘there will be no touching of yourself * “* ‘in this area tonight’ “* do you wanna know what I told ’em * “* I said L.A. Do you want to know what I told ’em * “* I said L.A. Do you wanna know what I said * “* to these people when they said that to me * “* do you want know what I “* to-o-o-o-o-o-old ’em “* I said I’m a grown “* ass “* man “* and I can do whatever the fuck I want tonight * * L.A. Can I do my show ” and everyone’s like, “fuck, yeah! I don’t know what this is!” and that was the greatest concert I’ve ever seen. Thank you, guys, so much! Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Um… “RAAAAAAAANDY” This next bit I wanted to do, uh, it’s something a little different. Um, I played a character in this movie funny people, uh, named randy, who is a stand-up comedian. And when I did the movie, I wrote, like, some jokes for randy and I enjoy doing them and so I thought it’d be fun to do a little bit of randy in this special. So, uh, we’re gonna do a little bit where it’s basically like, “what would randy do if he had a special?” so give me a second. I’ll be right back. – y’all are about to be amazed in ways you’ve never been amazed before! If you got a second set of skin, y’all better break it out, ’cause we fixing to burn it off, y’all! Y’all ain’t seen shit like this since you turned around, saw your mama’s vagina, and watched yourself getting born! Let’s get it started! Yeah! Prepare to be amazed! It’s coming down! Put your hands together! Make noise! Smack a bitch in the face if you can, ’cause here comes my man randy! Yeah! You are about to witness the best! He’s putting money on y’all fools! I hope you got bank accounts, ’cause he’s spreading out large amounts. They call him Randy! Straight randy, y’all! – what’s up? My name is ra-a-a-a-a-a-a-andy with eight “as”! If y’all are ready to laugh your dicks off, let me hear you say, “yeah.” all: yeah. – I said, “if y’all are ready to laugh your dicks off, let me hear you say, ‘yeah.'” all: yeah! – all right, then it’s randy time. Let’s do this shit. First joke. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. – what’s up, randy? – it’s time for another one of randy’s crazy fuck stories, a.k.a. A fuck tale. If y’all want to hear a fuck tale, let me hear you go, “fuck tales. * oh-ooh-ooh ” since you asked so nicely, I’ll tell you one. I was hooking up with this girl recently… * in a fuckin’ hot tub and we’re sitting there doing our thing and it’s going great. And eventually, she’s like, “randy? “randy? Randy? Will you go down on me?” and I was like, “yes, I can definitely do that.” but here’s the thing, y’all. We’re in a hot tub. So I had to do that shit underwater! So I hold my breath and I go down there. I’m just swimming around looking for the pussy, looking for the pussy, looking for the pussy, looking for the pussy. Bam! I find it! I start doing my thing. It’s going great, but eventually I’m like, “damn! “I can’t hold my breath that much longer. I got to come up for air.” but this girl holds my head down under the water. That ain’t cool, ladies. This guy knows what I’m talking about. This guy definitely knows what I’m talking about. But… I came up for air. And things are fine. But I kind of wish I would have drowned, ’cause that would have been the most baller death of all time. They’d be like, “hey, randy’s parents, “there’s been a terrible cunnilinigus accident. “yeah, randy was eating pussy underwater. I know it’s awesome, but he’s dead.” I’d have this awesome headstone. It’d be like, “here lies randy. He died while eating pussy.” and then it’ll have my handprint right there and you walk by, the handprint will give you a high-five. Ba-pam! Ba-pam! Ba-pam! Ba-pam! Fellas, you ever been in this situation? You got a girl back at your place and she’s down. You’re all excited. You’re like, “* I’m gonna get my fuck on “* I’m gonna get my fuck on “* I’m gonna get my fuck on tonight * “* yes I’m gonna get my fuck on * “* I’m gonna get my fuck on “* I’m gonna get my fuck on tonight * “* yes I’m gonna get my fuck on * “* I’m gonna get my fuck on * I’m gonna get my fuck on tonight *” and she’s like, “randy, stop dancing.” and you do. You stop dancing, then you head to the bedroom, and you about to set it off. And what happens every time you get to this moment, fellas? What happens every time you get to this moment? You got to take a huge shit! So you run in the bathroom and start playing the game that randy likes to call, “make a lot of noise so it don’t sound like you taking a shit!” you cutting on the sink and shower. She’s like, “randy, what’s going on in there?” “nothing. I’m just brushing my teeth and taking a shower at the same time.” but that’s enough noise either, so you got to run in the kitchen. Next thing you know, you’re blending carrots and celeries and tomatoes. She’s like, “randy what are you doing in there?” “bitch, I’m making you a smoothie!” and you go back to the bedroom, and what does she say? What does she always say? “randy? I got to go pee.” “no! You gon’ smell my shit!” – * randy – I was thinking about this the other day. You know what must be crazy? Getting your dick sucked in an igloo. How you supposed to stay hard when it’s so cold? It’d be like, “eskimo randy? “eskimo randy? “eskimo version of randy? Can I give you a blowjob?” I’d be like, “no! Give me a blanket! My dick’s cold!” – * randy – knock that shit off. It’s too cold. – fellas, do you know how to get your girl to do the crazy shit? I mean, the crazy shit? It’s simple. You can’t ask her in your normal voice. If I got a girl back at my place, I’m like, “hey, let’s have sex in my kitchen.” she’d be like, “no, randy! No!” but if I ask her in my smooth, sexy, r&b voice- if I’m like, “* girl “* I’m saying girl “* I want to fuck you in my kitchen tonight * * by my fridge by my oven by my foreman grill *” she’ll be like, “damn, randy. Let’s do that shit now!” next thing you know, you’re fucking and making chicken. – that’s right. Randy fucking and making chicken since ’86, bitches. – you guys like impressions? All right, this is my impression of me, randy, getting a blowjob at an ikea. “excuse me. “can you tell me where the lighting and home furnishing- whoa!” – they call that shit a “oofsk.” – this is my impression of me, randy, getting a blowjob at a whole foods. “excuse me. “are those your organic strawberries or are- whoa!” – she gave you a fair-trade blowjob. – yeah. You guys, now- anybody shout out a suggestion. I’ll do my impression of me, randy, getting my dick sucked there. Six flags. Here we go. “um, excuse me. “can you tell me where I can find the thing where you- “you know, where you roll the-what is it called? Skee ball!” – you must be this tall to ride randy’s dick. Randy. – keep ’em coming. Keep ’em coming. Where else? What else? Funeral? Oh, you trying to stump randy, huh? You don’t think randy gets his dick sucked at funerals? You about to get dealt with. This is my impression of me, randy, getting my dick sucked at a fucking funeral. “hey, I just wanted to say that, um- “this is really hard for me to say this, “but I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for your loss!” thank you, guys, so much! My name’s randy, y’all! Good night! – make some fucking noise for randy! Straight up doing it to you every time! – get that money!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

NICK OFFERMAN: AMERICAN HAM (2014) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nick-offerman-american-ham-2014-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome America’s humorist: Mr. Nick Offerman. Good evening. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good Christ, people. Yeah! Minor nudity was advertised. Minor nudity achieved. Drink it in. Life can be this delicious. Before I wrap it all the way up, I’d like to extend a… personal thank you to a local establishment known as Virgil’s Barbecue. The left portion is the pork ribs. The brisket’s sitting on top. Hush puppies, mac ‘n’ cheese, beans, – ridiculous jalapeño corn bread muffins. – Yeah! People often say to me… well, enough that I would remark upon it. “Nick,” they say, “where the hell did you come from? How did this occur that you are standing on the stage of the venerated Town Hall speaking to us?” And I answer them the same every time. I honestly have no fucking idea how this happened, but I’m very grateful. I’m minding my manners. And I’m reminded of some words of Thomas Jefferson, of course, who said, “I’m a great believer in luck. And I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it.” So if we’re going to talk about hard work, if we’re going to talk about luck being the moment when opportunity meets with preparation, I can’t do that without immediately thinking of my mom and dad, Ric and Cathy Offerman, two of the finest Americans you will ever hope to countenance. They did this. I don’t know that they particularly meant to do this, but, by God, they did it. They have been incredible teachers to me in my life. I’m interminably in their debt. And they’re followed closely by the ridiculous stack of curves and comedy juggernaut that is my legal property, Megan Mullally. That’s right. That’s how I feel about that lady. Some of my most beautiful acreage. Read the paperwork. Shit is mine. Despite a life full of jackassery, I’ve managed to retain some of the choice lessons from these teachers of mine. And I thought I would pass them along to you in a show that I’ve entitled American Ham: My 10 Tips for a Prosperous Life. I’m not gonna be testing you this evening on my 10 tips, but life will be giving you a pop quiz for the rest of your livelong days. So it might behoove you to mind your P’s and Q’s. End preface. Number one: Engage in romantic love. I don’t know what I did to get so goddamn lucky to land the wife that I did. But I’m what the literati have often referred to as “A lucky son of a bitch.” But I can tell you that I intend to keep this sweet gig that I found myself, and one of the ways I do it is by indulging in romanticism. I’m a sap. My whole life I’ve been a romantic. I used to be made fun of in school. And I learned later that it was because the people making fun of me were not getting any. I knew even in school, you know. “Oh, you guys kissing in the hallway?” Yes. That’s because I can’t get a blowjob in the hallway. How’s football goin’, bro? That’s what’s up. I realized one day… I was driving to work. We had been dating, and I realized I was going to marry her. And I was pissed off because I would have liked to have been consulted in the matter. But I was not. We’re very lucky, Megan and I. We have figured out how to stay together in a business that’s really hard to stay together in. As a couple of Hollywood hotshots, people expect us to be skipping down to the Whisky a Go Go with the Sheen family and eating bath salts, or whatever they’re eating now to see shit weird. But we do not. Every time Emilio calls me, I demure, “Not tonight, bro. You guys have fun.” We stay home. We’re boring. That’s a key. It really is. We’re homebodies. We love to stay in and read books and play cards and do puzzles. We watch HGTV. We do a shitload of cocaine and then… and mainly focus on puzzling. “Honey, give me the fucking sky pieces!” Fucking love puzzles. There’s something so soothing about a field of cerulean blue when I’m using amphetamines. We make our marriage a priority. That’s key. If you want a healthy marriage… It’s like raising a shrub. You have to make it a priority. You have to water it and fertilize it and talk nice to it and caress it and nibble on its clitoris… with regularity. You gotta stick with it. That’s a horticulture term. I don’t know if we… have a lot of green thumbs in the house tonight, but… look it up. In our business, one of the things that can kill a relationship is success, ’cause one of you gets a sweet job in L.A., one of you gets a great job in New York. You get the call. Peter Jackson wants you in New Zealand for 38 months for a role called Frodo Baggins. I turned that shit down. For love. I think that kid that got it did a nice job. He was also very cute. I did, however, get to read for… Gimli the dwarf. I’m still trying to… trying to ferret the compliment out of that situation. My wife turned 50 a few years ago, which is a big birthday in a society that bases a lot of systems on the number 100. And I said, “Honey, this is a big birthday. Do you want something special? A bauble of some sort?” And she said, “No. You know, just make me one of your cards.” By the way, if you’re in a relationship, make your significant other a fucking card, please. I always make cards for Megan. I make her lots of gifts as well. Every time I’m doing it around my friends or coworkers, they always say the same thing… “Oh, thanks a lot, man. You make us look so bad. Every time you make a card, my wife points it out to me.” And I say, “Let me tell you something, Rob Lowe. I’m gonna tell you right to your face, you turn those blue-gles on anybody and you don’t have to do shit. Please just keep looking at me.” His face is magic. I say to the rest of my friends that don’t have insane blue eyes, “Go to your printer. There’s paper in there. Find the paper. Take a sheet of it. Fold it in half. Draw a heart on it. Open it up. Write ‘I love you.’ Sign your name. You will get so kissed. You will be kissed so much more voluptuously than from any bullshit you can buy at the mall.” Thank you. Here’s a bonus: Go outside and find a tiny piece of nature… a leaf, a twig, a stone, a shell, a chrysalis. Adhere it in the center of the heart… and then get stretched out because you’re going for a ride to the realm of coitus. So she said, “Make me one of your cards. Do one of your funny dances. You know what? Actually there’s something I would love for my birthday. I would love a rainbow for my birthday.” And I said, “Thank you, honey. I’m very glad I asked you.” And I made a few calls that were fruitless. NBC did not help. And I thought I was fucked until I realized an important lesson… that I could make a rainbow out of art. And so this is actually the first song I wrote. I wrote it for my wife on her 50th birthday… The Rainbow Song. ♪ You read me my rights When you arrested me ♪ ♪ You put me on trial And gave me life ♪ ♪ But orange you glad I didn’t say “banana” ♪ ♪ When you made me your bitch And I made you my wife? ♪ ♪ “You yellow,” you yell when I ball a melon ♪ ♪ But you don’t complain when I cook up some smack ♪ ♪ We’re both agreein’ to serve our time ♪ ♪ If I drop the soap I know you’ll watch my crack ♪ ♪ Please enjoy this rainbow song ♪ ♪ And this gift of leprechaun romance ♪ ♪ Please enjoy as part of this well-balanced breakfast ♪ ♪ The Lucky Charms You will find in my pants ♪ ♪ You blew me away ♪ ♪ When you sang “Shock the Monkey” ♪ ♪ Your fingers inside me Let the games begin ♪ ♪ Indigo is a tough one to pun with ♪ ♪ But when we’re apart It’s the mood that I’m in ♪ ♪ We get along so well We could never be compared ♪ ♪ To Jesus of Nazareth and Pontius Pilate ♪ ♪ But if you’ll endure the slight of calling me “sir” ♪ ♪ I’ll be Peppermint Patty to your Violet ♪ ♪ Please let this song be a rainbow ♪ ♪ I’ve got my Cialis So I shall not fail ♪ ♪ Please don’t deny my advances ♪ ♪ For tonight you’re going to take it in the pail ♪ That’s the butt. It’s what you thought. ♪ And please let this song be a rainbow ♪ ♪ I made it for you This shit cuts like a knife ♪ ♪ Forever I’ll follow this rainbow ♪ ♪ To that 50-year-old sweet pot of gold ♪ ♪ That seems to grow foxy instead of old ♪ ♪ From which I hope to never be paroled ♪ ♪ My angel in a centerfold ♪ ♪ She plays more than Sousa upon my fife ♪ ♪ My jaw-droppingly beautiful wife ♪♪ Thank you. Thank you. Number one: Engage in romantic love. Number two: Say “please” and “thank you.” Good manners should be applauded. I recently landed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin to go… Thank you for your beer and sausage, not to mention your motherfucking cheese curds. Oh, boy. I was going to do a show in Milwaukee. And thanks to a U.S. air flight on an airline that shall remain nameless, that was 90 fucking minutes late, I was in a hurry. I was in a rental car. I was trying to get onto a crowded highway to get to my show, and I was on a ramp that was merging with another ramp. Folks, let’s talk about merging for a second. What the fuck? I think we all know by now you take turns. But sometimes when you’re in that side that has the advantage ’cause the other side’s trying to get in, you just can’t help it. It’s their turn, and you’re like, “No, motherfucker. No, no, no, no.” A gentleman performed this act upon me, and naturally, I was fucking incensed. You fucking kidding me? It’s merge, dude. It’s my turn. I had steam coming out my ears. And I pulled behind him, and everything changed. I realized that he was driving a salt-caked, pearlescent Chrysler 300… which is a fucking seriously badass attempt at a car… with the vanity plate “Thunder Road.” And I said, “You magnificent motherfucker. If you’re going to whip out your throbbing cudgel of a cock and bludgeon the rest of us about the face and mouth with your hot rod fuck wagon, you may have my place in line, sir. You, my friend, are living.” We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t care if you’re a librarian. I don’t care if you’re a litterbug. I don’t care if you’re a fan of celery. I don’t care if you’re that fucking guy. I don’t care how low you are. We’re all brothers and sisters on this planet. We’re all sharing this space, and we deserve the respect to treat one another with good manners. Say “please” and “thank you.” Get the door for each other. If somebody needs help with their groceries, jump up and give ’em a hand. You’ll feel so much better, you’ll blow their minds. It feels incredible. I can tell you I’ve crunched the numbers again and again. It’s a lot more fun to have eight people with one beer each than to have one dude with eight beers. It doesn’t… It sounds… incongruous… It sounds incongruous, but I’m telling you, I’ve been back and forth with this thing six ways to Sunday. I believe it was Jesus of Nazareth himself who said “love thy neighbor as thyself.” Wise words from the lamb of God. I just want to take a moment to point something out about the Bible. We’re gonna talk a little bit about the Bible tonight, you guys. Is the Bible full of great lessons? No question. Religious writings, in general… the Bible, the Qur’an, the Tao Te Ching. Grimm’s Fairy Tales, Battlestar Galactica, the redux. These holy texts are rife… with morals and lessons of value about how to be decent to one another and how to share our space and our planet. But when Jesus said something like “love thy neighbor as thyself”… I heard that in Sunday school, and I said, “Fucking nailed it, Jesus. That… That’s why you’re the teacher, my friend. Thank you.” And I went home, and I went to my neighbor Mr. Severson, and I said, “I like it like this, Mr. Severson. I get a little… It’s a little backhand. I’ve got this cleft in my palm. You feel that?” Mr. Severson liked it as well. He was my neighbor. We got along great. Into junior high, into high school, we had a great friendship. We don’t know that’s not what Jesus meant. We don’t. My interpretation provided a loving friendship… between two peoples on neighboring lands. Talking to you, Gaza Strip. Again, I have nothing against any religion or club, especially any get-together where people are like… “You know what? We’re fucked-up monkeys.” Like, a great part of our innate being is we wanna, like, fuck each other and eat each other and kill each other, and many of those things at the same time. We want to fuck each other while we shit in each other’s mouths, some of us. The permutations are endless. But we’ve learned, with socialization, it’s not cool to just go up to people and start doing stuff like that. So we’ve established these guidelines and we have these get-togethers of like… Everybody come to the big building just once a week. Let’s just remind ourselves not to shit in our neighbor’s wife’s mouth. Unless it’s consensual, you know. Nothing is set in stone. That’s great. And here’s all I’m requesting of our religious groups in the country and world, is go to that place. Go to your club. Go to the Bible… barn where you all get together, and talk about the lessons and learn about decency and compassion and how to treat one another. Then go to your job at the Senate and don’t talk… you don’t have to talk about the Bible. Just bring the decency and compassion like that… That’s all… I want to coin a phrase, and let’s try and get this going as a catchphrase. “A separation of church and state.” Or something like that. Like, just spread it out, see if it catches on. I really love that saying of Jesus, “love thy neighbor as thyself.” Unfortunately, he said it in the Book of Leviticus. And I think we all know by now that Leviticus is the most fucked-up book in the Old Testament. Leviticus, of course, is the book that details the punishments for menstruating women. If you like comedy, go home and curl up with Leviticus. The writers of The Onion are handed Leviticus when they show up for work the first day. As they say in Leviticus of a menstruating woman, “when her flowers be upon her, she is unclean, she must be sent away.” If she should touch any linens, those linens must be burned. If she sits in a chair, the chair is fucked. This is the Bible, you guys. What dicks who wrote this book of the Bible that were so freaked out with the simple nature of a woman’s body that they wrote it down in the Bible? The fuck? Do not fret, ladies. If you should be so filthy… there is hope in Leviticus. You may be exonerated if you bring two turtles to the priest at the temple. What the fuck is that? I’ve lost so much sleep on these turtles. What value did turtles once possess that we have no record of? I love… I love animals. I love nature. But I have torn open so many fucking turtles, looking for a pearl or… ambergris or spermaceti. I don’t… There must be something beyond their delicious meat. It’s upsetting to me. And I love to imagine these dicks that wrote the Book of Leviticus hanging out at the temple. They’ve written these guidelines. They’ve been disseminated among the people. And they’re just hanging out waiting for people to start showing up and being holy. And the leader of the dicks at one point says, “You guys, what’s with all these fucking turtles every place?” “Oh, sorry. Steve wrote that part. He just loves turtles. We don’t… I don’t know what it is with the turtles.” “Steve! Money or fucking wine, bro. We’ve been over this. You know what, Steve? You’re not writing any more of the Bible. Go… press some more olives. Shithead.” And that is the story of the lost book of Steve. Considered lower even than the Gnostics. Leviticus is also one of the places in the Bible that tells us homosexuality is an abomination. And I quote, “if a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, they have done what is detestable. They must be put to death.” The Bible! It fucking says that in the Bible. I disagree with that notion. I’m astonished that this never comes up. And these writers… “Hang on. Just give me one second, please. Two turtles to the temple, and she may be exonerated. Yeah. Two what, now? Excuse me? Two bros? What? Uh, they… Oh, Jesus. That is so uncool. They… And they fully love each other? Uh, yeah, kill ’em. I guess. Right, guys? What choice do we have?” And I’m very glad to be alive at a time when it’s finally evolved to the point where this issue is in the public eye and we’re finally fucking slowly turning it over. Thank God. 2013. How many decades has it been… The… How many years has it been since we shitty white people, with our hands in our pockets, were like, “You know what, you guys? No, no, no. Um, it’s cool. Everyone can ride the bus and sit wherever you want. That’s our bad. Um, it was confusing ’cause we used to capture you and own you like a commodity, so, you know… But, no, use the water fountains, all that stuff. Sorry.” That was before my lifetime. And now it’s 2013, and we’re still debating if, like, I don’t know, if we should give everybody the same stuff. Here’s the thing. It’s like two people loving each other and, with or without children, trying to build a loving, productive household and be good citizens. It sounds good, you know. They play a good game, but have you read Leviticus? So it’s great this issue is getting attention. However, I am irked by all the attention that it’s getting, all the ruckus and hubbub about same-sex marriage when all the while motherfucking vegetarians are marrying, bearing children… right on these streets. Their fucking… filthy herbivorous urchins are prancing down your sidewalks with a canvas bag full of kale. “I use one bag. I know how to pronounce ‘quinoa.'” And I am fucking pissed. They’re making a mockery of the sanctity of eating animal flesh. It shall not stand. Please. Please. They call it the Good Book. I find it a bit uneven. You know what is a good book? The motherfucking Hobbit. Or There and Back Again. That is a good fucking book. Instead of legislation founded squarely upon the Bible, I’d like to see… some laws pitched based on the writings of John Ronald Reuel Tolkien. That shit makes sense. Elrond was elected to lead the elves at Rivendell not only despite his androgynous nature but quite likely because of the magical leadership inherent in a well-appointed bisexual elf wizard. That’s the guy you want picking shit out for your community. Who do you want throwing your gala? Who do you want to hand menu selections and a color palette to? David Bowie or a fucking Mormon? What the fuck? Was Elrond in a gay marriage? We don’t know because it’s none of our goddamn business. Whatever the nature of his elvish lovemaking, which I happen to know a little something about… I can tell you this is a frighteningly accurate depiction. Their genitals are more velvety and bluish, but if there was a sheet here with a light behind it, you could not tell the difference. And they like to bring ’em in and stop, which is not quite touching, and then back out again. Fucking drives ’em crazy. That’s neither here nor there. The point is, no matter what Elrond was getting up to in the bedroom, it doesn’t matter what you do in your bedroom. You can do whatever you want, as long as you don’t hurt anybody or anybody’s property. If you’re in your bedroom, if you want to get it on with your elvish weird genitals, or if you want to take a cantaloupe and throw it in the microwave for 20, 30 seconds… Don’t go over 40. That pulpy center heats up. Let me tell you something for nothing. You want to put a 45-degree chamfer around the edge of that hole because that outer rind can really chafe. I’ve read this. I don’t know if it was Martha Stewart or… Dr. Phil. I don’t care… If that’s your thing, if you’re a melon fucker, don’t bring it in to the workplace. No matter what Elrond got up to, it did not affect his ability to perform his job like a boss. And that is to provide travelers with great directions. No matter what, the citizens of Middle-earth seemed to remain in pretty good spirits as long as they were packing Longbottom Leaf into their pipes. A lesson we could all do to pay a little attention to. And even on a long road trip to the dragon’s mountain lair, they did not forget to say “please” and “thank you.” I think you get it. Number three: Use a handkerchief, hand kerchief or hanky. Let’s see what I’m rockin’ tonight. Field of light taupe with red roses. Weren’t expecting that, were you? Another bonus: If you want to get with a lady… of a higher quality, start throwing around the color taupe. Boom. It’s quite magical. My dad had two rules when I was a kid: wear a clean white T-shirt every day and always carry a handkerchief. I said, “Dad, you can wear a T-shirt and look like a nerd or Ron Swanson. I’m gonna show a little chest bush and look like motherfuckin’ McConaughey.” Sadly, the reality is somewhere more between Chiklis and Sizemore, weird Belushi or Galifianakis cousin. When I suggest it, they say, “I don’t want a rag full of snot in my pocket or my purse.” Nor do I. Suggesting that you have toilet paper in your home doesn’t mean I want paper full of effluvia hanging around in the house. But if you’re at a bus stop and someone has a face and hand full of snot and mucus, you’re a motherfucking superhero. Think about all the occasions that a handkerchief saves the day. The list is endless. For drying someone’s tears… If a… Fuckin’ New York, man. An old lady is crying in the gutter. Yeah! Humorous in the right context. If someone’s tears need drying, if a severed artery is in need of a tourniquet. Use it as a hot pad to change the smoking magazine on your anti-tank weapon. Poke it into your hand to make a nifty pouch for collecting pussy willows and acorns and bear’s teeth down by the fightin’ ring. If you should find yourself in the vicinity of the Netherlands and you spot a hole in a dike, plug the hole with your hanky and go get some apple pancakes because that shit is delicious. There’s no way this is not gonna be my first hit single. ♪ Keep a handkerchief in your pocket ♪ ♪ That was my father’s rule ♪ ♪ It looked bitchin’ on my neck in Cub Scouts ♪ ♪ And it saved my bacon in school ♪ ♪ ‘Cause when I’d get whooped in a fight ♪ ♪ I’d never soil the floor ♪ ♪ I’d wrap it around my knife handle tight ♪ ♪ And even the fucking score ♪ ♪ Hankies can make you seem politer ♪ ♪ Wipe ejaculate from your chin ♪ ♪ Or when you break and enter ♪ ♪ Erase the prints from where you’ve been ♪ ♪ For gravy or mud or even menstrual blood ♪ ♪ It can protect your eyes from a spunky flood ♪ ♪ You just gotta have your hanky ♪ ♪ For wiping your tears when you wish ♪ ♪ You could still get hard after all of that wine ♪ ♪ And when you run out of toilet tissue ♪ ♪ A hanky will do just fine ♪ ♪ For a sniffle or a sneeze It’ll shoo away bees ♪ ♪ When you have to suck a dick It’s a cushion for your knees ♪ ♪ You just gotta have your hanky ♪ ♪ In love play with Justin Bieber ♪ ♪ Use your hanky as a gag ♪ ♪ Then he can play the naughty sweeper ♪ ♪ And clean your chimney with his sooty rag ♪ ♪ When your lover has been pleased it’ll wipe away the cheese ♪ ♪ And the suppuration from your venereal disease ♪ ♪ You just gotta have your hanky ♪ ♪ Dad, I always carry my hanky ♪ ♪ Thank you. Thank you. The Hanky Song. Number four: Eat red meat. Number five: Get a hobby. “Hobby” is an unfortunate word for something that can have such beautiful meaning in one’s life. On the plus side, it shares a root with the word “hobbit,” which could not be a more charismatic sequence of consonants and vowels. But on the downside, it’s just one of those words that sounds wrong. “Hobby.” Like “underpants.” So instead of “hobby” I choose to use the word “discipline.” Get a discipline. You may or may not know that when I’m not making an ass of myself in front of you or working as an actor, I’m making things out of wood in my shop in Los Angeles. Thank you for applauding. But I want you to take the notion of that applause and find the dozens, or hundreds, of local artisans around you that aren’t on Parks and Recreation. Go watch them make boots and stained glass and fucking soup and applaud for them and support them. Right now. Go. Good night. Woodworking and making things with your hands is not only not nerdy, it’s fucking sexy. It you want to, like, up the delicious factor in your life, find out what you love to make. And it could be so many things… food, music. One of my best friends is a CPA, and his thing is that he… Yeah, right on. Thank you. He loves to make all the numbers right. He’s admittedly OCD. But that’s his jam. He’s like, “I love to get everybody’s fucking paperwork.” And like… You’ve seen it… You know, simple mind. Like, all these fuckin’ numbers going down the screen. And he’s like… That’s his trip, where it’s like, yes, done, boom. Whatever it is, whatever it is you love to do, that is the sexiest part of you. And it hits a button. When you see somebody making something, it just hits that nesting button of, like, “Oh, you’re fucking knitting? You want to make a fucking nest and shit? Fuck yeah.” One of the things that, I think, keeps us from doing what we love and expressing what’s great about ourselves as individuals is the amazing inventions that have taken over the world, certainly our world. These things are incredible. It’s a miracle machine, these and the computer and the Internet and all that stuff. It’s insane. It’s going to, hopefully, bring our planet together in a network quickly enough so that our children and grandchildren can save the planet from us. Please. We’re sorry. Please clean up our shit. We love you. But the thing that I don’t like about those… And I’m speaking to you as an addict here. I tried Twitter last year for a couple of weeks. It pissed me off so much. I think it feeds on this part of human nature that always thinks things could be better for us somewhere else. If you’re not experiencing ecstasy, then you’re like, “Yeah, this is okay. But, man, it’d be fucking cool if I was in Tucson right now.” It’s something that we have. It’s the human condition where it’s like, “Aw, man. Here I am at NYU. Man, it’d be fucking so cool at Stanford.” Well, now we have a window in our pocket to Stanford and Tucson and wherever the fuck else we want to be. And we can distract ourselves. We fill in the lulls in our day with nothing on these devices. You finish your transaction. Gotta do my work. I gotta do this. I gotta pay attention. That’s done. What’s going on in Tucson? Okay. Kind of boring. Oh, that’s kind of fun… Eh, next. And when you add that up… For me, after a couple of weeks, I was like, “How much time did I just fuckin’ spend idly going like this down my phone?” That’s when I used to read books. That’s when I used to talk to the people standing in front of me. And it really made me mad in New York because something I love about New York is its obviously vibrant citizenry fucking shoving, elbowing down the streets. Everybody’s living like a motherfucker. It just… Children, little old ladies. “Get the fuck outta my way.” And there’s this sense of like, “Hey, move. Move! Fuck you!” There’s a life. There’s a vibrancy. And now everyone is doing this, and so you have to go up to people and be like, “Excuse me. Fuck you. Sorry. Go ahead.” And so, what I said was I have to wean myself off of this. I eventually came back to Twitter, admittedly, but I announced I’m only going to disseminate information, I’m not going to participate socially, and it’s working. Because I made that announcement, I don’t feel like I have to like, “What did everybody say?” Because that would take up my whole day and I wouldn’t get to make shit out of wood and I wouldn’t get to write these hilarious jokes about the Bible. Here’s the thing that I’m suggesting. Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something. That’s what I’m saying. Take the cleverness you apply to Words With Friends or Scrambly Town and apply it to making some kick-ass cornbread. Cornbread With Friends. Try that game. Everybody loves that fucking game. I liken learning a new discipline to, uh, giving oral sex. The first few times you do it, you’re gonna embarrass yourself, you’re gonna ruin some raw materials, you’re gonna contract some flesh wounds. And after a few times, you start to get the hang of it. In woodworking… Everybody knows what a chisel is. It’s a long, flat piece of steel, the end of which forms a wedge-shaped tip that you sharpen to a very sharp edge, so sharp and strong that you can use it to shave wood like soap or butter. And the first time you do that correctly, you’re hooked, you’re bewitched. And everything in a wood shop is just some version of that chisel. A saw blade in a circular saw is just 36 little chisels in a machine that spins around. It’s all just a form of a chisel shaping wood. And when you realize, “I can shape this wood into anything I want to,” it’s so powerful and I know that I have a lifetime of study in front of me that will be incredibly pleasing, just like eating pussy. And furthermore, if you have one of these miracle machines called the human body, these things are insane. Have you guys seen shit like… fuckin’… Have you seen crazy, like, fuckin’… That’s just the tip of the iceberg, ladies and gentlemen. These things are insane. We all have one of these. I can shovel a fucking trench a mile long. I can build a barn. There’s all these things I can do, and then there are things much more talented people can do that are way better than that. But we all have our place. And I just feel like, if you have one of these, we’re somewhat obligated to do more with it than work out these muscles and these muscles. That’s all. I feel like it makes for a much more delicious life. And I can’t talk about tips for prosperity without talking about the joy of work, finding work that you love. It’s so sad that so much of our society says, “Man, thank God it’s Friday. Thank God five of the seven days of my life are fucking over, because I hate five-sevenths of my life. Now I’m gonna spend two-sevenths getting drunk at The Olive Garden so I don’t have to think about the upcoming five-sevenths. Thank God!” That’s so sad. Find something to do that you love, or at least something you can do that you can tolerate so that you can then have time to do what you love after work. Maybe it’s grow things in the garden or whatnot, fuck cantaloupes, whatever your thing is. It’s your business. I’m not asking questions. But, I mean, work is a privilege. You just have to find the right work. I mean, we’ve got a long life to live, and you can’t just watch videos and hang out in the pool. I’ve tried that. It’s cool for a minute, and then you’re super depressed. Like, “What, am I gonna just fuckin’ lay in the pool? I should be fucking making salad forks.” We’ve lost the notion that working outside and working at things that take muscle or things that get you dirty… We’ve come to think of those types of work as being beneath us, and that’s wrong. Those kinds of work are really noble. It’s amazing. Like… Don’t clap for me. Clap for the farmers of America. ‘Cause they’re still there. Like, there’s this huge population that we’re not really aware of ’cause they’re not on UpRocks.com or wherever else we look. They’re not there. They’re out there, like, shouldering the burden for so much of our country. All I’m saying is that the internal combustion engine, the telephone, the hardline telephone… amazing miracles in their day. But the thing about the phone, when you hang it up on the wall, you then don’t come back every few minutes to see if it’s gonna do something cool. “No, hang on, you guys. Hang on. No, it just… I wanna see if it’s gonna refresh or… I know. I wanna come play baseball, too, but… there might be a worthy distraction. You guys go ahead.” That’s all I’m saying, is baseball is better… than waiting for that. Get your hands dirty. Make shit with your hands. Give excellent head. Get a hobby. By the way, had a little news. I’ve heard some rumblings. I just want to take a brief moment to say something to the gentlemen. If a lady says to you, “I can’t wait to get your dick in my mouth, I love to suck your dick,” she is lying to you. She’s telling you a beautiful lie. She’s giving you a generous gift. You need to reciprocate that shit. You guys, it’s a relationship. It’s absolutely equal. When you think about it, a dick… is like a thumb with a pee hole. How good can your thumb taste? You know, they’re not sitting at work, thinking, “Man, I wanna fucking get Eric’s dick in my mouth ASAP. I just love the way his dick tastes.” That’s false. They’re giving you a gift, guys. Give it back. It’s only fair. I wish this song was about eating pussy. I just wrote this. ♪ On the Internet ♪ ♪ It’s all intercept… ♪ ♪ But not every opinion is rendered… ♪ – Stop the audio. Shut it down now. – Why? Who the hell are you? I’m an intellectual property attorney, and you have stolen my client’s melody. No, but it falls under parody. Biggest misconception in the world. No, you can change all the lyrics you want, but that tune of notes belongs to the Cash estate. Your musical plagiarism is perfectly actionable. – Actionable? – It means I’m able to take action, which is what we’re doing. I’m sorry, but my hands are bound. Is “actionable” a word? “Actionable.” Yes, it’s a word. – In Cambridge, perhaps. – It’s a word. What you’re saying is talking-able. The tune of your song, I state offline, that we just interrupted is obviously recognizable as I Walk the Line by Johnny Cash. I really think Johnny Cash would enjoy my song wholeheartedly. It’s about getting off the computer and going outside and respecting life and tasting… Please. Stop saying “tasting.” I’m not interested in your blue prurient language. Oh, for example, may I draw your attention, please, to the line, quote, “my wife and I will use one another like whores.” “Whores,” Mr. Offerman. What is that poetry meant to evoke? Love or laughter? Perhaps you’re right. Maybe he would have taken pleasure in your particularly vermillion tint of smut. Maybe his family is better off without his disgusting habits of rutting and buggery, and whatever other Pink Floyd scenarios he enjoyed. Maybe Johnny Cash was a disgusting monster. Go on. You know you don’t have to hit me for it to be assault. Um… it’s a good-hearted song. It’s about tasting… Oh! Oh, here we go, Margaret. Exhibit B: Quote, “my wife and I like to suckle at each other’s tits. I jam my balls inside her so deep, it gives her the shits.” Are you enjoying this? – Are you proud of that? – It gives her the shits. You’re laughing? That’s the best lyric in the song. Hang on, sir. If you’ll just let me… Let you what? Jam parts of you into me so deeply that I, too, am forced to defecate? No! God. I… I will comply with this order. I get it. I don’t agree with it, but I will respect it. I just wanted to say that my song is about tasting… Fine. Tasting what? Pussy. A song no one will ever see in this special because it’s cut. They can probably find it on YouTube. Who are you… Don’t worry about it. – What are you doing? – Nothin’. Why are you looking over my shoulder and winking? I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s just you and I here in my wood shop. Mr. Offerman, if you are somehow suggesting that you’re going to inform people that they can search for your songs on YouTube, I must ask you to stop. The song that I am legally prohibited from showing you is about eating pussy. Thank you. I thank you. That’s what I love about Megan. I was working on that song. I was running her through these lyrics, and she said, “That one is pretty good, but I feel like it should be dirtier, like we should be sucking on each other’s tits or something.” And I said, “I fucking love you.” And then, of course, I had to top it. And so I said, “Okay, how about this?” And I read her back about shoving my balls inside her, and she laughed so hard, she fell on the kitchen floor. And I said, “We’re gonna stay together forever. You’re all right with me, lady.” Number six: Go outside. Remain. Ooh. Number seven: Avoid the mirror. The mirror, avoid it. The mirror should be a maintenance tool. The mirror should be for checking to see if you have shit on your face. It is not. It has become so much more. It’s even more evil than that bitch in Snow White or that even more evil bitch in The Chronicles of Narnia, because the mirror is a conduit. You can imagine the tunnels that shoot off your mirror and connect with a network that go to all the billboards and magazine stands and advertisements. Bless you. And we’ve all been programmed for decades with this barrage of messaging, so that when you look in the mirror, you don’t just see this. You see this, but you also see what you’ve been taught to compare it to. So I see my face, and I see Keira Knightley. And you get stressed out that you don’t look like people on magazines. You get upset. It’s so sad when you see your friends. You’re like, “Why do you weigh 72 pounds? There’s bacon.” Like… And you go buy shit or pay surgeons to cut your face open and take shit out or put shit in. What the fuck? If you’re gonna spend your money, get something that works every time, like bacon. How… How bad can it be that cutting your nose off and, like, sculpting it with inorganic shit… Be like, “Oh, thank God. Phew! If you saw me before. My nose was a slightly different shape. Like… But after like thousands of dollars and a painful surgery, now it has a slightly… more of a button on it.” What’s the matter with you? Are you a human being? Then you’re beautiful. Do you have one of these? Then you’re fucking beautiful. Go out… What you’re doing is comparing an organic form, designed by nature, with an anorexic, airbrushed erotic cartoon. It’s never gonna match up. And if it does, it’s gonna be gross. If you go out in this beautiful part of the country and collect one leaf from every deciduous tree and one needle or pinecone from every conifer, take them all over to the Javits Center and lay them out in a vast array and then go through them one by one, you will not find one that’s not fucking gorgeous. There are some that are super fucked up compared to that other one, but those trees aren’t worrying about it. “Yeah, being an elm is okay, but have you seen the sycamores? They’re fucking amazing.” It’s all beautiful. Do your friends and family, do your loved ones give you affection? It’s ’cause you’re beautiful. If you’re not getting enough affection, try upping the hygiene. You’re beautiful. Just wash it. I eschew the mirror as much as possible. We have a mirror in our foyer. I keep my keys and my pocket items there. When I’m leaving the house, I get my keys, my knife, my vise grips. Good to go. And I’m out the door. Just give it a glance. If you have leaves in your hair, that should be addressed. Draw a line. Avoid the mirror. Number eight: Maintain a relationship with Jesus Christ. If it is getting you sex. I love that pause. When I was in high school, there was a cheerleader who was also a ballerina, who was also a born-again Christian. Fucking hot. Right? So hot. I was obsessed with her. She was super smart, super funny, charisma coming out of her ears. I wanted her. The problem was she would only date you if you went whole-hog, full-on born-again Christian, which would have been insane. So I did that. “I go where? Yeah. And I cry? Okay, great.” No hesitation. “Jesus? Yeah, I fuckin’ love him. He’s my savior.” I got saved, and we started dating. And after four or five months of fellowship and prayer, togetherness, we rutted like filthy beasts. We would say, “Mom, Dad, Lynette and I are gonna go to Jesus camp in Wisconsin for three weeks.” Because we did. We went to Jesus camp. And we took part in the Jesus activities… the Jesus log roll, the Jesus potato sack race… the Jesus hammer throw. That was my event. They say one of mine is still going. On a clear night it can be sometimes seen over the upper peninsula of Michigan. “There goes that Christian boy’s hammer. 1986.” That’s what people from Michigan sound like. “Welcome to Detroit.” We would take part in all of the Jesus games with the other children. Then we would go and 69 in the woods for three hours. And we were just discovering the joys of mawing each other’s crotches. Like, “Oh, it feels like that when I fucking maw on your crotch?” Just fucking mouthing pussy and balls and taint and mud and leaves. Wisconsin mud is both clean and tasty. Just fucking rub our face in that shit. “Whoa, that feels amazing. Whah! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!” Remember those first sensations? Yah! You’re like… I’m either going to the hospital or this is amazing. Whoo hoo-hoo hoo-hoo-hoo! Then we would go sit around the campfire and sing Jesus Is the Rock and He Rolls My Blues Away with the other children. The moral of this story… is that no matter what religion or school of thought or scout troop you belong to, you should always remember that it’s just a school of thought. And I don’t like the way organizations like that can really judge and single people out and make them pariahs. If we had been found out that we were simply having a really great sex life, we would’ve been, like, cast out of our society, and I think that’s terrible. We cared about each other. We were good to each other. It was consensual. It went on for three to four years. And it was a great time. We learned to have a nice relationship. And so I think, rather than pay attention to the hard-fast rules, we should pay more attention to simply how decent we are to one another, especially if you’re getting laid. Jesus camp fever. Catch it. It’s worth it. Number nine: Use intoxicants. Tonight I’m going to alter that to simply say: “Continue to use intoxicants.” I feel like you might be the choir in this instance. I’ve spoken a little bit tonight about the pleasures of hard work. One of the greatest pleasures of hard work is, when you’re done, you get to put on a fucking buzz. It’s a deal that we have in our country that’s an amazing deal. If you see your wastrel friend at the liquor store, like, “John, what’s up with the 12-pack?” “Sorry, man.” “Do you even have your paper route anymore?” “Sorry. I’ll put it back. I’ll just get beef jerky.” But if you see the same friend and say, “John, what’s with the 12-pack?” And he says, “I just got off a shift at the lumber mill,” you say, “Enjoy those 12 beers, John.” That’s the deal we have. It’s a great deal. I love working hard. I love it, spending a day in my shop, using my muscles, getting filthy. It’s so fun. Maybe it’s a boy thing, but I love to get dirty. Covered in sawdust, sweaty, exhausted, that first icy Corona tastes like the jizz of the Lord, ladies and gentlemen. Which I have to imagine is the most magnificent drink, that luminous pearly mead. The beverage of glory. It’s gotta be the best. When we work hard, we have earned the right to use intoxicants. If you just use intoxicants… and I’ve crunched the numbers on this one, too… you get depressed. It’s so great to strike a balance. Beer, wine, whiskey and the lesser spirits. Taken in the proper doses and used safely, intoxicants can provide some of the most beautiful and joyous moments in your life. They can certainly ignite your creativity and just be fucking really fun. Or you can use them like an asshole and ruin it for the rest of us who just wanted to get high and go outside and look at a maple leaf. Sometimes religion and intoxicants can be combined for an especially far-out trip. Some years ago, a lovely young lady exploded onto the national pop country Christian scene with her nauseating hit song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. I’m really upset about this song. This song has a terrible message. This song was hugely popular, and I don’t understand why Miss Underwood was not called out for her asinine message. This young lady is driving to Cincinnati to spend Christmas with her mom and dad. Her baby is in the backseat. She’s got a lot on her mind. She hits an icy part of the road. The car begins to skid. She throws her hands up in the air… and exhorts, “Jesus, take the wheel… because I can’t do this on my own.” You better fucking do it on your own. Your child is in the vehicle. I have nothing bad to say about prayer. Maybe pray while turning into the skid. Definitely keep your hands on the fucking wheel! So I’ve written my own version of that soulful ballad. Let’s all bow our heads for this one, please. ♪ I was haulin’ ass… ♪ ♪ Told me to come to the town hall tonight and sing you this song ♪ Whoopsy-daisy. Me again. That’s right. I also represent Carrie Underwood. She makes me wear bolo ties, bathe from head to toe in Chaps cologne, and speech it mellow like the juveniles. – Oh, Jesus. – No, no Jesus. Not for you. In regard to your laughable parody of her widely lauded song, Jesus, Take the Wheel, Miss Underwood has given me the directive to perform upon you a metaphorical basketball rejection. So please consider your shot forcibly blocked, Dr. Julius Swerving. You have been acquired by me. Are you trying to say you owned me? There is no trying up in this mug, no. You belong to me. I think the saying is “I owned you” or “You were owned.” I’m afraid you have it backwards. You are the one who has been taken possession of by me… in this milkshake yard. Okay, here’s the deal. Jesus, Take the Wheel was actually not written by Carrie Underwood. So you can’t actually stop me from playing this song. It was written by three other people… uh, Brett James, Hillary Lindsey and Gordie Sampson. I know. Will you please excuse me while I make an emergency phone call totally unrelated to this? Hi. Penelope? No, three others. Uh… Mm-hmm. Yes. Very good. Oh, dear. I regret to inform you that I now represent all three actual writer-composers. So it would appear as though I have neatly shoved the basketball downward through the goal hoop. And what is their objection to this… Please, Mr. Offerman. It is egregiously sacrilegious. In your work you claim that Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth got so much smoke it would have made Galactus, Eater of Planets, choke. I’m familiar myself with Galactus. I asked Shale from our I.T. department, a young person, what that meant, who informs me that Galactus is a deity of fictional stripe, a denizen of the universe created by Marvel Comic Book scribes. You don’t know Galactus? Galactus is amazing. – I’m not a Scientologist. – Marvel universe? He’s enormous. He’s purple. He looks like he’s got an end table upside down on his head. He’s so big that he eats… Please don’t say “pussy.” I was going to say that he eats planets. Don’t act like it’s insane for me to say you were going to say “eating pussy.” You’ve been talking about eating pussy a lot. Well, my audience thinks it’s funny. Funny? In the song you threaten to lynch the pope. That was written before this cool new pope. Oh, my God. Do you think the cool new pope is Galactus? Galactus eats planets. The pope… The pope does not eat pussy, Mr. Offerman. – He’s pretty cool. – That’s right. He’s probably up in the Vatican with all those nuns… No, Mr. Offerman, the pope does not eat nun pussy. I’m saying he gets some nun pussy. Please tell me I did not just witness the birth of a song called Some Nun Pussy. You may well have. It’s outrageous, and my clients will not have it. Don’t worry about it. Stop looking over my shoulder, Mr. Offerman. Please stop it. One second. Anyway, Galactus, I’ll catch you later. You can check out my song on YouTube. ♪ Then Jesus ♪ ♪ Cleaned the screen ♪♪ Thank you. Let’s just review… Let’s wrap it up real quick. Engage in romantic love, which will give you many opportunities to say “please” and “thank you” and use your handkerchief. Eat red meat. Perhaps make that part of your discipline when you get a hobby. Go outside. On your way there, avoid the mirror. And maintain a relationship with Jesus Christ, preferably while using intoxicants. All of these nine tips add up to form number ten: paddle your own canoe. Thank you very much for having me. ♪ Siddhartha says ♪ ♪ Life is like a river ♪ ♪ The thought of watching it pass me by ♪ ♪ Causes me to shiver ♪ ♪ So I grab life by the balls ♪ ♪ I got 10 tips to deliver ♪ ♪ Get off your caboose ♪ ♪ Paddle your own canoe ♪ ♪ Take the road less traveled ♪ ♪ Says Robert Frost ♪ ♪ Keep your stone rollin’ ♪ ♪ So it don’t accumulate no moss ♪ ♪ Leave the faint of heart ♪ ♪ Sucking on your exhaust ♪ ♪ Thunder Road ♪ ♪ Live a little life ♪ ♪ And paddle your own canoe ♪ ♪ Don’t while it away ♪ ♪ Masturbating in the ditches ♪ ♪ Put your tackle away ♪ ♪ And hitch up your britches ♪ ♪ Then provision your boat ♪ ♪ With several pulled porks and witches ♪ ♪ Indulge in savory meat stuffs ♪ ♪ Paddle your own canoe ♪ ♪ Young Teddy Roosevelt ♪ ♪ Was a weak little puss ♪ ♪ But he exercised ♪ ♪ And became quite an ornery cuss ♪ ♪ Till he could whoop a bear ♪ ♪ And also Cuba without a fuss ♪ ♪ But got number 26 ♪ ♪ And paddled his own canoe ♪ ♪ You like to smoke some reefer ♪ ♪ And you like to dance ♪ ♪ The preacher tells you to keep your pecker in your pants ♪ ♪ But that preacher’d be kissing your nephew ♪ ♪ Given half the chance ♪ ♪ You should spend your Sundays ♪ ♪ Paddling your own canoe ♪ ♪ I might have mentioned ♪ ♪ Jesus Christ himself got high in my van ♪ ♪ I told him I wouldn’t go to church ♪ ♪ And he shook my hand ♪ ♪ He said, “My son, just let me run inside and use the can ♪ ♪ Number two ♪ ♪ Then let’s get some Doritos ♪ ♪ And paddle your sweet canoe” ♪ ♪ What would Jesus do? ♪ ♪ Paddle my goddamn canoe ♪♪ Thank you. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Neal Brennan: Women And Black Dudes (2014) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/neal-brennan-women-and-black-dudes-transcript/

[Hip-hop music plays] [cheers and applause] man: * a’ight * [cheers and applause continue] Brennan: what’s up, y’all? Hi. How are you? [cheers and applause] Good. Um, hey, thanks for having me, first of all. Thank you, New Orleans. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] So, hey, have you guys had that thing happen to you yet where you realize you’re too dependent on technology? Yeah, it happened to me. My buddy was visiting from out of town, and he called me up. He was like, “dude, I need directions to your house.” I was like, “all right, cool. You got a pen?” And he goes, “yeah,” and I go, “write this down. “here’s the directions. You’re gonna go to google.com.” [laughter] “You’re gonna type in my address.” [laughter] “Do whatever they say.” [laughter] He was like, “I’m not near a computer right now,” and I was like, “all right, do you have GPS on your phone?” He goes, “no, I have, like, an old flip phone.” Like, “well, then I don’t think you can come to my house.” [laughter] I have cable and running water. It’s gonna freak you out. [laughter] I was just in Seattle a couple weeks ago. Washington state now… [crowd cheers] yeah… Washington state said, “you know, weed legal.” [cheers and applause] “Weed legal, texting and driving against the law.” [laughter] So, basically, a cop could pull you over, walk up to the car, see you rolling a joint on your lap, and be like, “oh, I’m sorry, sir, “I thought you were texting and driving. Have a great day.” [laughter and applause] So, I live in California, and California, the law is that we can’t talk on the phone and drive. We can’t text and drive. To talk on the phone and drive, we got to have the hands-free device. But my hands-free device broke recently, like a year and a half ago. [laughter] So, we all have same plan pretty much for not getting pulled over… Here’s what we do. We’ll be driving along, talking to our friend, look over, see a cop. [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] [laughter continues] Then you got to yell to your friend like, “yo, there’s a cop next to me.” Just hang out for a second, all right?” [laughter] Same plan? Yeah. Never catch us, these bitch-ass cops. [laughs] Texting and driving… Also illegal. That, I got to say, I agree with, though, ’cause texting and driving is some mind-bending shit, isn’t it? You’ll be driving along and be like, “you know what?” let me just click on…” [laughter] “text my friend here.” You look up, and you’re like, “wow. Was I driving that whole time?” [laughter] “That shit was dangerous. Fuck.” [laughter] “‘Cause when I looked down, I was on the highway. And now I’m in my garage.” [laughter] “Well, at least it was an important text.” [laughter] “No, you’re retarded.” [laughter] [laughs] Not supposed to say “retarded.” but I think we all have a word that we’re like, “no, I’m gonna keep saying that one.” [laughter] I got a couple. Um, you know why we all have a word? You know why we keep saying “retarded,” even though we shouldn’t, is ’cause, uh, ’cause we’re dicks. [laughter] You know how you know human beings are dicks is by who we hold up as great ’cause they’re not even really that great. Like, Mother Teresa’s famous ’cause she gave away free soup. But we’re such dicks, we heard that and like, “wait a minute. “She gave away free soup? “she didn’t charge for croutons or nothing? This woman’s a frickin’ saint.” Martin Luther King’s famous ’cause he said, “hey, despite the differences in the color of our skin, let’s all be good to each other.” Again, we’re such dicks, we heard this, we’re like, “racial tolerance?” “who thinks of this shit? “You’re getting your own holiday, Martin Luther King. “Yeah, your birthday, I don’t go to work. That’s how much you mean to me.” [laughter] Jesus is famous ’cause he said, “treat other people the way you want them to treat you.” We heard this, we’re like, “this Jesus is on some next-level shit.” [laughter] “We’re gonna worship you, Jesus, and your dad. This doesn’t end tonight, believe me.” [laughter] “Necklaces with you on it, t-shirts.” ‘You’re my homeboy.’ “We’re gonna worship your mom but not your stepdad, ’cause fuck him for some reason.” [laughter and applause] Joseph got a raw deal, huh? More on that in a second. [laughter] You know, Jesus… Like, we’re crazy into Jesus. Like, if aliens came down to earth, they’ll be like, “who is this guy with the beard” you guys are so into?” “Oh, his name is Jesus. From Nazareth.” [laughter] “Really? What did he do that was so great?” “What he did that was so great was, he told us to be nice to each other.” [laughter] “This was recently?” [laughter] “No, actually, this was a couple thousand years ago, as a matter of fact.” “And no one else has said that since?” “Uh, no, one other guy… Black dude with a mustache. Martin Luther King… He said it, too.” “All right, so, let me get this straight.” You guys are such dicks that in 2,000 years, “only two of you went around saying, ‘hey, everyone, let’s be nice’?” “Yeah, but I don’t think that makes us dicks.” “All right, well, what’d you do to those two?” “All right, we’re dicks.” [laughter] [applause] So, yeah, so, back to Joseph. [laughter] Worst part of the Bible! Worst part of the Bible. He goes out of town, comes back, Mary’s like, “I’m pregnant.” And he’s like, “we haven’t had sex in six months.” “No, it was a ghost.” “Oh, that’s gonna be easier for me to deal with emotionally. All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I got to say, I’m way too passive-aggressive, ’cause if I were Joseph and Mary was like, “hey, would you mind changing Jesus’ diaper?” I’d be like, “no, but maybe the ghost will. “Any word from the ghost? “Anything about chipping in a jerusa-dollars “for Jesus’ preschool? Nothing?” [laughter] “I got to get a bartending job ’cause of the ghost? All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I’m all gacked out on… On Jesus. [chuckles] Now, I went to catholic school 12 years. So, catholic school… All right, first of all, catholic school 12 years, people’s first question when they hear that is, “hey, Neal, did you get molested?” it’s the sign of a classy organization, isn’t it? And to answer the question, no, I didn’t get molested. I fucked a few priests. [laughter] But I didn’t get… I didn’t get molested. I ain’t no bitch, you understand? 8-year-old me fucking a priest. “Forgive me, father. You know why. “[laughs]” wshoo! [laughter] [cheers and applause] Catholic school is like prison. You got to strike first. [laughter] [laughs] see, growing up catholic, it, you know, it makes people crazy. Like christian politicians are nuts to me, like where we can’t have any contraception anywhere in the school. They’ll be like, “we can’t have condoms in the schools”, “’cause if we have condoms in the schools, kids will automatically have sex with each other.” Which makes about as much sense as kids being like, “hey, I got some band-aids. We should cut each other.” Makes no sense. [laughter] and then there’s all this stuff in the bible that you kind of take at face value, growing up. And then you get a little distance from it, and you’re kind of like, “wait. What?” like, “this is a letter from Paul to the Philippians.” like, “all right.” when you give it a little distance, you go, “who writes letters to entire groups of people?” [laughter] “this is a letter from Larry to the Puerto Ricans.” [laughter] “dear Puerto Ricans, would you mind keeping the music down?” [laughter] “Sincerely, big Lar.” [laughs] [laughter] So, 12 years of catholic school, then I moved to New York, started hanging out with black dudes. [laughter] Bang. Bang. Bang. [laughter and applause] I don’t know them. They just are here. [laughter] [sniffles] You barely qualified, you’re so light-skinned, by the way. [laughter and applause] [laughs] yeah, so, I got a lot of black friends. I have like over, uh… Over 20. Now it’s like almost 30. Um… No, I got a lot of black friends. Here’s the thing about my black friends. My black friends can relax in a way that my white friends can’t. White people, we’re not very good at relaxing. You know why? I figured it out, ’cause we’re always worrying about the rules. And who’s breaking the rules. The other thing about being white… You got to admit it… We got tattletale in our DNA. [laughter] we got snitch in our blood, white people. I’ll be at a nightclub with my black friends. It’ll be packed. Everybody’s drinking, dancing, laughing, having a great time, and I’m trying to fit in like, “there must be 350 people in here right now.” I wonder what the fire marshal would have to say about that?” [laughter] [laughter continues] white people love the rules so much that we will go on police ride-alongs… For fun. [laughter] do you have any idea how white that is? You ever try to explain that to black people, like, “yeah, I call the precinct. “I say, ‘hey, this is Neal. “I’m white, and I’d like to go for a ride-along.’ “they send over a squad car. “I get in the back seat, which is fun for me ’cause what other opportunity would I have to do that?” [laughs evilly] [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughs evilly] [laughter] [laughs evilly] White people… We love the rules. And we should, white people. We made ’em. [laughter and applause] we made ’em. Native Americans had their rules. We’re like, “no, thank you. Brought our own.” some rules are really obvious white people made. You know what the most obvious white rule of all time is? “no loitering.” [laughter and applause] [scoffs] you know what black people call loitering? “chillin’.” that’s correct. [laughter] but white people tried it, they were like, “all right”, “let’s see about this chillin’ here. “try this out. No, we’ve got to outlaw that. I don’t like that one bit.” [laughter] “it’s far too relaxing. We’re not making a profit. We’re not invading anything. I don’t like it.” [laughter] but there’s a price to pay, white people, for loving the rules as much as we do. We can’t sleep. Never… I’ve never met a black insomniac in my entire life. [laughter] meanwhile, every white person I know has sleep issues. You know why? ‘Cause we’re up tossing and turning every night, thinking about who broke the rules that day. [laughter] “he doesn’t think I saw him, but, oh, yeah, I saw you, Chet. “And guess what? “tomorrow, I’m telling. “You know when I’m telling? “White people’s favorite time of day… First thing in the morning.” [laughter] [applause] Can’t sleep, white people. We need body pillows to get to sleep, need the mattress with the red wine balanced on top of it. [laughter] humidifier, dehumidifier… [laughter] an ionizer from the sharper image, a white- noise machine from the skymall, sleep masks, breathe easy nose strips, ambien, tylenol p.m. You want to know what it takes my black friends to fall asleep? A bite of a sandwich and a moment of silence. [laughter] [applause] They’re out. My white friends, asleep, it looks like they’re on life support, they have so much shit in their room. [laughter] My black friends, it looks like they fell asleep midconversation. [laughter] Here’s the other thing about my black friends. They’re all in better shape than me. All of them… The old ones, the babies… They’re all in better shape than me. [laughter] I have a ton of black baby friends. I’m not gonna apologize for that. No, they’re all in better shape. I’m white, I’m vegan, I work out twice a week, and I basically have the body of a black dude who just got out of a coma, pretty much. [laughter] Like, I was thinking it’s a good thing Superman landed in Smallville and not, like, Detroit. [laughter] ’cause if Superman landed in Detroit, he would have been, like, the fourth fastest dude on his football team. [laughter] “You’re fast, Clark, but you’re no Jevaris Morrison.” [laughter] [laughs] Yeah, I’m vegan. Please, please hold your applause. No, I got… I, you know, I live in L.A. So it’s easy to be vegan. You need big cities. New York, L.A., it’s easy, but the rest of the country, you might as well walk up to people and be like, “hey, where do faggots eat?” [laughter] I wish I had more on that joke. That’s the whole joke. [laughter] [laughs] But that’s what’s great about stand-up. It’s like, I say “faggot,” you know I’m the faggot in that joke. It’s fine. That’s… Offstage, that’s… We can say stuff. Like, offstage especially, like, me and my black comic friends will have the best conversations where they’ll say funny stuff about white people and I’ll say funny stuff about black people, and it’s cool. But they’ll be like, “Neal”, “you know white people are sick in the head, right? “that’s why y’all be killing motherfuckers “and freezing them and eating them months later. “So you people are deranged, brother. “That’s why you never see any black serial killers, “is ’cause black people aren’t sick in the head like white people are.” I’m like, “no, dude”, “the reason I’ve never seen a black serial killer “is ’cause you guys kill one person and are immediately arrested.” [laughter] “Maybe if you didn’t write a song about it that afternoon.” [laughter] “How’d you catch me?” “Hot 97.” “All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I got a lot of Mexican friends. Here’s the thing. I live in the southwest. People want to deport Mexicans. Why would you want to deport the hardest-working people on the planet? Mexicans are the hardest-working people on the planet. Mexicans… [cheers and applause] Mexicans, please, conserve your energy. We need you for work tomorrow. [laughter] Two more jokes, and it’s vámonos, okay? [laughter] White people are gonna need you tomorrow. You know what time? First thing in the morning. That’s correct. [laughs] [laughter and applause] [chuckles] People want to deport Mexicans. Mexicans are the hardest-working people on the planet. You know why I say “the planet”? Look at Europe. You know why everything’s so old in Europe? ‘Cause they don’t have any Mexicans there to build them new shit? [laughter] Mexicans would have a new Colosseum up in three days, for real. Two days if we paid them cash. [laughter] Still not convinced? All right. Mexicans will stand around… All day in a parking lot… Just in case some work breaks out. [laughter] Do you understand that? They’re like hookers for construction jobs. [laughter and applause] You won’t see any other race of people doing that. Whenever I see a bunch of Mexicans standing in line in a parking lot, I think home depot. Whenever I see a bunch of white people standing in line in a parking lot, I think “Harry Potter” premiere. [laughter and applause] [chuckles] I got a lot of Asian friends, as well. I got in trouble with my Asian friends and people on twitter, ’cause last… When Jeremy Lin first started playing well… The kid plays for the rockets… He used to play for the Knicks… “linsanity”… First Asian-american basketball player to do really well… And everybody was calling him “linsanity,” “Cinderella story,” “the underdog”… So, finally, I went on twitter, and I said, “you guys”, I’m afraid if you keep calling Jeremy Lin an underdog, “his family will eat him.” [laughter] I thought I beat them fair and square, but I lost a lot of followers that day. That’s all I’m gonna say. [laughter] I’m stupid about this race stuff, ’cause I used to always ask people if they were mixed… If they were half white and half Asian… I would always ask them which parent was what race. But I realized it’s a stupid question. You know why? If someone’s mixed… If someone’s half white and half Asian… The dad was never Asian. [laughter] [applause] Ever. White girls are just not into Asian dudes. Like, I’ve never been to the club and been like, “fuck, the Asian guys are here.” [laughter and applause] White dudes, though, we’re, like, Asian-girl-crazy. We got all these dumb-ass old stereotypes about them, too, like, “she’s gonna make me soup.” What? [laughter] “She’s gonna walk on my back.” What are you talking about? [laughter] Like, when I see Lucy Liu, I’m like, “God, I got to have her.” When the average white girl sees Jackie Chan, she’s like, “huh.” [laughter] “I wonder what Chris Tucker has been up to recently.” [laughter] [chuckles] So, yeah, I think about race all the time. Solutions… Eh, I don’t know. People try to come… White people especially have terrible solutions for it. Like, they don’t even know what the… Like, there was a story on “60 minutes” last year about “Huckleberry Finn,” the book… Mark Twain book, “Huckleberry Finn.” all right, “Huckleberry Finn”… I didn’t even remember this… “Huckleberry Finn” has a bunch of “n” words in it. It’s got 219 “n” words in it… Yeah… Which to me is six too many. [laughter] There’s a line. You know what I mean? All right, so, now, the story was about white people’s big plan is, they want to get rid of all the “n” words in “Huckleberry Finn.” It was just some typical white-people shit for you. Like, that’s white people’s grand solution for helping black people. Like, some white statistician’s like, “you know, fellas”, “I’ve been looking at the numbers. “black people have shorter life-spans, can’t get loans, “and don’t have access to fair education. “But I think I have the solution. “We’re gonna get rid of the ‘n’ words in ‘Huckleberry Finn.’ It’s gonna change everything forever.” Like, some black kids dropping out of school will be like, “fuck school.” I’m gonna sell drugs for the rest of my life,” and they’ll be like, “hey, Donnell, we got rid of the ‘n’ words in ‘Huckleberry Finn.'” “You did what, now? All right.” [laughter] All right, this is where I over-think it, this racial stuff. ‘Cause you know who I feel bad for now? I feel bad for Mark Twain aficionados. ‘Cause think about it. Now when they go to get the original “Huckleberry Finn,” they’re gonna seem like complete racists. [laughter] they’re gonna have to go into bookstores like, “hi.” [laughter] “hey, kind of a crazy question, but, uh…” [laughter] “do you guys happen to carry ‘Huckleberry Finn’ with the ‘n i g g e r s’?” [laughter] [applause] [laughter continues] And the redneck behind the counter is gonna be like, “sure do, brother. “Comes with a free confederate-flag bookmark. That’s for you.” [laughter and applause] [chuckles] Relax, you babies. That joke’s entirely fictional. A redneck will never work at a bookstore. [laughter] [chuckles] [cheers and applause] Redneck at a bookstore would be like, “Pride and Prejudice is the name of my truck.” [laughter] [chuckles] That is a very good joke. That’s my smartest joke. [laughter and applause] [chuckles] So, now, all right, so, I said the “n” word. We’re all still here. Like I said, I got a lot of black friends, and, white people, I have actual black friends. And I know a lot of white people, like, think you have black friends, but you’re not really friends with somebody unless you can yell at them and they can yell at you back. A lot of white people have two standards for your white friends or your black friends. If one of your white friends screws up, you’ll get legitimately pissed and be like, “dude, what the fuck?” but if one of your black friends screws up, you immediately go into human-resources mode, like, “Malik…” Malik, your behavior has made me very uncomfortable.” [laughter] “I think, going forward, we need to be more cognizant.” [laughter] “I’ve drawn up a powerpoint.” boop. [laughter] plus, I’m a hip-hop kid, so I’ve been messing with the “n” word since n.w.a. That was a big one, yeah. Yeah. [cheers and applause] n.w.a. If you don’t remember them, they were a rap group. They were… They were “straight outta compton.” [laughter] [laughs] it was… It was easy-e, ice cube, dr. Dre, a couple other dudes. All right, so, eazy-e died of aids… Hilarious. Um… [laughter] [laughs] Dr. Dre doesn’t make music anymore. He just makes headphones, and, um… [laughter] ice cube just makes these shitty-ass family movies. I actually had a movie idea for ice cube where ice cube from 1989 travels forward in time and beats the fuck out of ice cube today. [laughter] he didn’t want to do it. All right, so, if you don’t know what n.w.a. Stood for, it stood for “n i g g a z with attitude.” now, the way I always felt about it, once they had the “n,” they kind of didn’t need the w.a. [laughter] the “n” did most of the heavy lifting for them. No one was ever like, “sir, there’s some n i g g a z here to see you.” “do they have attitude?” [laughter] “I’m afraid they do, sir.” “shit!” [laughter] Also, I get called the “n” word every day. Thanks, fellas. No, I get called the “n” word… No, I get called the “n” word every day… Text, phone, person, constantly. My black friends constantly call me the “n” word. It’s so bad and it’s been going on for so long that I call myself the “n” word when no one’s around. I’ll be in my car around lunchtime. And I’ll be like, “n i g g a, you need to eat. Who are you talking to?” [laughter and applause] [laughs] I remember when my black friends first started calling me the “n” word. Let’s face it. It was pretty exciting. [laughter] but it was always confusing ’cause they were doing it to make me feel like a part of the group, but it actually had the opposite effect ’cause I couldn’t say it back to them. So it just made me feel that much whiter, you know? I’d walk up to the group, and they’d be like, “what’s up, n i g g a?” and I’d be like… [laughter] “hello!” [laughter and applause] [whimpers] [laughter] So, then… So, then, finally one day, I just asked them like, “hey, fellas”, can I start saying it back?” so they had a meeting. [laughter] and I got approved. Yeah. [cheers and applause] [chuckling] thank you very much. They said I’m one of six white people that’s ever been approved, three of whom… Beastie boys. All right. So, now I could say it, but I forgot I could only say it around brothers I was friends with, ’cause a couple weeks later, walking down the street. I listening to my ipod. Something called the Craig Mack “flava in ya ear” remix comes on. All right, a lot of people know. For the rest of you, biggie is on the song… Notorious b.I.g. [cheers and applause] Puffy’s friend. [laughter] biggie’s first line is, “n i g g a s is mad. I get more butt than ashtrays,” which is a wonderful double entendre. [laughter and applause] biggie really spoke to me. So, I’m walking down the street, not paying attention, like, “n i g g a s is mad.” I get more butt than ashtrays.” and I look up, and this brother’s glaring at me. He goes, “yo, motherfucker”, who the fuck said to say ‘n i g g a, ‘ white boy?” I was like, “um…” [laughter] “do you know Jamal?” [laughter] [applause] and he was like, “oh, you must be Neal. “I heard a lot about you, n i g g a. Heard you got approved. Give me some love.” [laughter] [applause] [cheers and applause] and then he stole my ipod. Look… [laughter] he had every right. You know I had all the music backed up, ’cause that’s what white people do. To the cloud, white people, to the cloud. [laughter] [laughs] All right, so, race, religion. Let’s go politics. I’m an Obama dude, if you can believe it. Um… [cheers and applause] you know what’s amazing about Obama is people don’t even realize it. Like, being the first black president isn’t even, like, the biggest thing he’s done. You know how he met Michelle? Michelle was a lawyer, and he was her intern. Is not the most pimped-out shit you’ve ever heard in your life? So, she was like, “go make some coffee.” he was like, “yeah, and then, after that, you’re gonna give me some pussy?” “what?” [laughter] I like Barack. I got to meet him. That’s part of the reason I like him. I met him last… No, I mean, when you meet somebody, you’re like, “he’s my friend.” no, I can call him whenever. I met him for 30 seconds.” I met him last year at the white house correspondents’ dinner. My buddy Seth Meyers hosted it, and I wrote a bunch of jokes with him, and… And we got… I got to go, and the day before, I got, like, a tour of the white house… Like, a good tour. Like, I met the dog. [laughter] totally cool dog, by the way. Hasn’t gone to his head at all. Just a real regular dog. [laughter] and then we go through the white house. Then, we go to the oval office. In the oval office, across from the Clinton blow-job desk, it was, like, literally, like the first thing you think is, like, “oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.” they’re like, “you want to touch it?” I’m like, “no thank you.” there’s… There was a coffee table. On the coffee table, there’s a bowl of apples. Seth’s mom is on the tour, as well, and she goes, “hey, are those apples real?” and the woman giving us the tour was like, “yeah, would one of you like one?” I’m like, “yeah, I’m a fucking taxpayer.” [laughs]” [laughter] So, uh, so, I’m eating an apple in the white house, in the oval office. On the wall, Obama has the original copy of the emancipation proclamation, yeah, which I’m pretty sure is just there in case the tea party’s like, “we don’t think you’re free.” “all right, look at the wall.” [laughs] that’s all they have left. This is literally all they have left. So, then, the next day, we go to the correspondents’ dinner itself, and… And beforehand, there’s, like, a little reception, like a small room, like 100 people, probably. We’re all in tuxedos. At a certain point, they let the president and first lady in, and they put them behind red-velvet ropes. We’re supposed to go up, introduce ourselves, say who we are, get our picture taken. All right, so, I’d heard Michelle was a “Chappelle’s Show” fan, so I was like, “all right, you know what? Let me exploit that shit, for once.” kidding… I… I exploit it every day. [laughs evilly] um… So, it’s my turn, and president Obama’s here. First lady Obama’s there, and… And I walk up to the president. I go, “hey, man,” which I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to call him. [laughter] but it was better than like, [coolly] “hey, man.” um… “is this your girl? What up, ma?” um… [laughter] [normal voice] so, so, so, I go up, and I go… I go, “hey, man, my name’s Neal Brennan, and I created ‘Chappelle’s Show’ with Dave Chappelle.” and he goes [as Obama] “oh, man, we love that show. “in fact, that’s got to be considered one of the greatest shows of all time,” [normal voice] which I got to say… [laughter and applause] I got to say, felt pretty good. Like, if he’d wanted a hand job, I would’ve given it to him. [laughter] so, he goes, [as Obama] “Michelle, this guy created ‘Chappelle’s show’ with Dave Chappelle,” [normal voice] so Michelle comes over. And goes, “we were so upset when it went off the air,” and I go, “how do you think I felt?” [laughter] so, uh… [laughter] so, now we’re getting our picture taken, and that day, Obama had gone to Alabama to look at tornado damage, then he went to Cape Canaveral for some NASA stuff, then he goes to Miami, gives a commencement address at a college, then he’s gonna come back to d.c., take pictures with weirdos for an hour. Then he’s got to do stand-up… Big day. Kills bin laden the next day. Did more in 36 hours than George Bush did in his whole life. All right, so… [laughter, cheers and applause] Yeah. Yeah. All right, so… So, now we’re getting our picture taken. And there’s people lined up to meet him like he’s Santa Claus or something. It’s like Rupert Murdoch and Sean Penn… Like, literally, wanting to meet him like he’s Santa Claus. Like, “what do you want for Christmas, little boy?” “tax cuts.” “all right.” [laughter] so, this is how smooth Obama is. We’re getting our picture taken, and I say to him… I go… I go, “god, man, this is all so weird.” I go, “do you ever get used to this?” and he goes, “nope.” and then I swear to god, he goes, “but, you know”, I can’t just up and retire like Dave Chappelle did.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] And I was like, “motherfucker, what did you say?” [laughter] and he’s like, “you heard me. Chicago, bitch.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] secret service was like, “let them fight, let them fight. I got $50 on the white boy.” [laughter] it was awesome. Smooth dude. Which brings me to Mitt Romney. Doesn’t he feel like a weird-ass, like, ’80s movie-dad dream we all had of him? [laughter] thing about Romney… Super rich dude. That’s the thing. Everybody wants to be super rich, but here’s what you don’t think about. If you ever get super rich and then you have kids, there’s like a 98% chance that your kids are gonna be dickheads. [laughter] and then you start to get older and dying, and then they’re grown up, wearing yachting outfits, just waiting for you to croak so they can spend your money on cocaine and boats and shit. If I ever get super rich and if I have kids, like, if they’re nice, I’ll leave them money in my will, but if they’re dickheads, I got a whole nother plan. Hear me out. All right. Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna gather my kids around my deathbed. I’m gonna be like, “look, kids”, “I’m gonna pay for my own funeral. “whatever’s left over, you kids can split up amongst yourselves.” and then I’m gonna have the most expensive funeral… in the history of death. [laughter] I’m gonna have, like, a platinum casket, my name written in diamonds on the side. My social security number beneath it, too, ’cause, fuck it, I’m dead now. What are they gonna do with it? Open casket. I’m gonna buy all kinds of movie props and demand to be buried in them. I’m wearing Humphrey Bogart’s hat from “Casablanca”… [laughter] Darth Vader’s cape. I got Indiana Jones’ whip in my right hand… [laughter] Jimi Hendrix’s guitar from Woodstock in my left. I’m wearing Rocky’s boxing trunks. I got Dorothy’s ruby-red slippers on from The Wizard of Oz. [laughter] my kids are gonna be like, “we’re out $15 million on the casket alone.” yeah, that’s just the beginning. Then they’re gonna hear, “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jay-Z, Kanye West.” [rapping indistinctly] those guys come out. They do the full “watch the throne” show… Pyro, monitors, standing ovation, then, Jay-Z’s like, “Neal couldn’t decide.” who should say his funeral mass, “then, he realized it could only be one person. “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the pope. Here comes the pope.” I don’t know what the pope would say, but based on his outfit, it should probably be something like, “boo-oo-oo-oo!” [laughter] then the… Then the pope’s like, “Neal always loved comedy.” “please welcome the cast of ‘Seinfeld’ reunion. Here they come.” Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, George. Kramer steps up. He’s like, “are Jay-Z and Kanye still here, by any chance?” [laughter and groans] “look… “look, fellas, I just wanted to apologize “for that night at the laugh factory. “as a show of reconciliation, I’d like to donate $10 million to the united negro college fund.” and then a hologram of me appears, and I go, “and, Kramer, I will match that donation.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] and my kids get like 80 bucks each. [laughter] everyone else there is like, “that’s the best fucking funeral I’ve ever been to in my life.” [laughter] hey, you know what I’m sick of? I’m sick of everybody telling me what tv shows I got to watch. It’s, like, all people talk about. “I like ‘game of thrones, ‘ bro.” “hey, ‘mad men.'” “uh, ‘breaking bad.'” “uh…” [laughter] “uh…” my buddy wanted me to watch Battlestar Galactica for years, he bugged me. I avoided it. People still into it. I avoided it. Now it’s on Netflix. My buddy Kev’s bugging me, so, finally, I broke down and watched one episode of Battlestar Galactica. and it turns out, you guys, I don’t give a fuck about space problems. [laughter] I personally like shows like “hoarders” and “teen mom”… Shows that make me feel… [cheers and applause] yeah. Shows that make me feel good about me. I watch an episode of “teen mom,” and I’m like, “you know what, Neal? You’ve made a lot of really good decisions, yeah.” [laughter] so, I say to my buddy… I go, “look, man”, I tried to watch your show, and I didn’t like it.” and he said what people always say when they recommend a show and you don’t like it. He goes, “dude, you got to watch the whole series.” [laughter] do I? It’s six seasons long. It’s 12 episodes a seasons. It’s an hour long an episode. That’s 72 hours of shows. That’s a big commitment. Pretty much, I can either watch Battlestar Galactica or get, like, a helicopter pilot’s license. [laughter] it’s a long asset. I got to say, it was way more fun before Netflix and iTunes and DVD, ’cause it used to be, in the ’80s and ’90s, if you didn’t see a show when it first aired, it was great, ’cause you were off the hook. Someone would go, “hey, Neal”, did you see ‘blossom’ last night?” “nope, and I never fucking will, either.” [laughter] “shit’s gone with the wind, my friend.” [blows] [laughter] “sure, they’ll rerun ‘blossom’ in the summer, “but on summer nights, I ride bikes and finger chicks, ’cause I’m 11.” [laughter and applause] [laughs] [laughter] who… Anybody here married? [scattered applause] really? Geez. So, marriage is pretty much over, seems like? [laughter] I think people are coming to the same conclusion. I’m scared to get married, man. I’m in my 30s. I’m supposed to be. But it just feels like gambling. Feels like gambling. Marriage is basically a woman saying to me, like, “hey, Neal, you still gonna love me in 30 years?” and it’s like, “I hope so”, but I don’t want to bet you half my shit over it.” [laughter] plus, I don’t think women even care about it. I think… Here’s what I think women care about. I think women care about being cute. Ladies, I think you spend most of your lives in your own heads, thinking about cute things that you’re gonna do in the future. And basically, guys are just props in that. [laughter] and you like a lot of lead time to think about this cute shit, too. That’s why you’re always planning ahead so far, ladies, where you’ll be like, “hey, can we go to the botanical gardens” three Sundays from now?” and we’re like, “sure, babe.” and in the back of our heads, we’re like, “hopefully, I’ll be dead by then.” [laughter] it’s so that you can take the full few weeks thinking about how cute you’re gonna look, and you don’t even care about these places. You don’t care about the botanical gardens or sailing or wine tasting. You go to these things for one thing and one thing only, ladies. You got to get a picture… [laughter] of yourself… [laughter] looking cute… [laughter] [applause] as, like, a receipt or a proof of purchase… [laughter] that something cute happened… [laughter] and you were the one who did it. Fellas, we can be in the picture, but it’s for her, looking cute, so that she can post the picture online so that her enemies can see it. [laughter] yes. [cheers and applause] she wants her enemies to see it and be like, “shit, this bitch is cute.” [laughter and applause] Cute, cute, cute. It’s huge. It affects everything. You know what I noticed recently, ladies? Because of this cute thing, every girl I know, all the time, is two things… Freezing… [laughter] [chuckles] [cheers and applause] starving. [laughter] “oh, my god, I’m so cold. Is anybody else freezing and starving?” no, it’s 75 degrees in here, and there’s food everywhere. [laughter] “rude.” [laughter] ladies, you all say the same thing, too. “I haven’t had anything to eat all day.” [laughter] you haven’t had anything to eat all day? “I had lunch.” [laughter] [chuckles] but, like, you don’t have lunch? I don’t know what the hell you eat at lunch. You eat the most obscure stuff in the world. Always like, “all I had for lunch today” was, like, a little bit of coconut water “and a handful of hummus.” [laughter] were you captured by AL-Qaeda at lunch? What happened at lunch? [laughter] you know why you’re freezing and starving. ‘Cause you don’t wear enough clothes, and you don’t eat enough. [laughter] problem solved. [laughter] no, I just realized the eating thing is a whole nother thing, but the dressing thing… I realized how women dress. Women dress for the first 30 seconds of wherever they’re going. [laughter] [applause] you basically… You basically dress for the entrance, like, “he-e-e-y!” [squealing indistinctly] [laughter] [squealing continues] [laughter and applause] And then you spend the rest of the party like [moans] “I’m freezing, my feet hurt, we have to go home!” [laughter] [chuckles] so, the cute thing is big… And the emotional thing. [light laughter] women being emotional has weird side effects. One of them… The big one, to me, is the way women tell stories, ’cause, ladies, I don’t know if you knew this or not, but a lot of guys think that your storytelling stinks. [laughter] it doesn’t stink. We just don’t want to hear it. That’s the thing. Women are emotional. So your stories are subtle and emotional and relationship-based. That’s not how men like our stories. We like our stories like three-panel cartoon strips, like, “he punched me, I stabbed him”, we both went to jail.” great. [laughter] it’s a great story. Again, women’s stories… Subtle, emotional, relationship- based. It’ll be like, “sheila came into work today. “she was being all weird to me. It was like, ‘is she being weird or I am being weird?'” [laughter] and women hear that and are like, “that’s an amazing story.” [laughter] And guys hear that, we’re like, “nothing happened.” [laughter] being the only guy in a roomful of women, listening to one woman tell a story, is like being in a 3-d movie theater, and everyone’s got the glasses on except for you. [laughter] where they’re like, “aah!” you know, like, “this is blurry and confusing.” [laughter] the cute thing… All right. You know what, women? You know what you do that’s crazier than any… Anything else to be cute? Pretend like you’re tall. [laughter] you’re not. [laughter] you’re not tall when you’re wearing your… You’re wearing your fake heels. You… It’s like, you know the average woman’s 5 1/2 inches shorter than the average guy. You forget that ’cause they wear heels all the time. You think your girl is like around your height, until the end of the night, when you get home and remember how short she is when she takes her shoes off. Like, “wasn’t tonight a fun night? “such a fun night. We should go out to those bars more often.” [laughter and applause] “Such a fun, fun night.” “look, I’m gonna go to the bathroom and take out 60% of my hair.” [laughter and applause] “and when I come back, we need to talk about you being more honest with me.” [laughter and applause] chicken cutlet, chicken cutlet. Now… [laughter] yeah, so, fellas, you know, we got to empathize. Empathize with your girl. Tell her she’s cute. She’ll be like, “oh, I wasn’t even thinking about it.” she was thinking about it. Don’t even… [singsong voice] “selfie!” [laughter] [chuckles] [normal voice] and then, ladies, we need empathy in a whole nother direction ’cause I don’t think you understand what it’s like to be a dude. ‘Cause I had a girl recently ask me… She goes, “what’s your type?” I was like, “I don’t really have a type,” and she goes, “why not?” and I go, “um, ’cause I never get to pick.” [laughter] It’s never up to the guy. It’s up to the girl. Girls are the buyers. Men are the sellers. Basically, me and every guy in here are pretty much… Dick salesmen. [laughter] [applause] In fact, you know what? I’m a used dick salesman. [grunting] [laughter and applause] no payments till June. [grunts] [laughter] low miles. [laughter] leaks a little bit in the summer. [grunts] [laughter] I just got turned down by 3 women in like 10 seconds. As a guy, it’s about average. [laughter] basically, a guy’s entire life is just like [grunting] [laughter] and then we die. That’s what our life is. A party is, basically, a guy’s like [grunts] and a girl’s like, “I’m freezing!” [grunts] [moans] [grunts] [moans] [grunts] [laughter] [chuckles] [laughs] [grunting] [laughter] yeah, guys get rejected constantly. That’s the thing. Like… It’s why we can’t have feelings. [laughter] it’s too much… Too much dick to sell. [laughter] [chuckles] women have feelings, which is why you don’t handle rejection well. Women will hit on a guy like once every two years. And if it doesn’t go your way, you get furious immediately. You’ll be like, “hey, I kind of think you’re cute,” and the guy will be, “I’m gonna stay with my friends.” “you’re a fucking asshole. You know that?” [laughter] it’s… Ladies, ’cause you don’t [sighs] you don’t live… This is where we need empathy. You don’t live in the sexual tyranny that men live under just constantly. [growling] [laughter] men get erections in our sleep. [laughter] do you understand that? Basically, our brain’s are like, “I’m gonna go to bed,” and our dicks are like “fuck that, bro. I’m staying up.” [laughter and applause] [chuckles] Bro, you don’t know what’s gonna happen here alone in your locked house at 3:45 in the morning. A girl could just come busting through the wall, kool-aid-man style… [laughter] [chuckles] demanding some sex. I, for one, am gonna be awake when it happens. [laughter] [laughter continues] uh, I’m in the middle of something. [grunts] [laughter] yeah, it’s hard being a dude. I don’t think… Like, I’ll… Sometimes I’ll have a girl with me, and other girls will come up to me and be like, “you know”, you could do so much better than that.” and it’s like, “oh, I know, but I can’t take that chance.” [laughter] [chuckles] and guys will be hateful in a different way, ’cause, you know, they’re fellow salesmen. [laughter] So if I have a good-looking girl with me, they’ll be like, “dude, you know that girl’s only with you” ’cause of your career, right?” and I’ll be like, “um”, yeah, of course I know that.” [laughter] “why do you think I have a career?” [laughter] you think I’m gonna rely on my body to get women? No. My 18th birthday, I stood naked in the mirror, and I was like, “you better write some jokes.” [laughter and applause] yeah, it’s also exhausting being a guy. A girl said recently… She goes, “I’m so sick of guys hitting on me.” great, I’m so sick of hitting on you. [laughter] it’s boring. It’s so… You don’t think I hear what I’m saying? I know it’s terrible. I’m there. It’s also so time-consuming. Like, I just want to, like, run into the store and run out. Next thing I know, I’m stuck in the parking lot, like, “hey, miss, I love your blouse.” “where’d you get it? “I personally don’t give a shit, but my dick wanted me to ask.” [laughter] “also, he wanted me to say [grunts]” [laughter] [applause] [laughs] be gay! They tell me. [laughter] [laughs] I’d love to be gay! Sexually, they know how to treat a guy over there. A gay club is basically one group of guys like [grunts] then another group of guys like [grunting] [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] [laughs] [speaking indistinctly] [laughter] [chuckles] like, gender- wise, there are massive differences when it comes to sex. That’s why women date guys… It’s because you’re emotional that you can date guys that are locked up of in the military. First of all, I think you like dating gates that are locked up, ’cause you like knowing where he is. [laughter] [chuckles] where you be like, “he wants to be with me, but the state won’t let him.” [laughter] and, fellas, I know what you’re thinking. “locked up? Well, what about sex?” they don’t need us for sex, dummy. You think you can please your woman more than she can please herself to the idea of you? You know how much hotter you are in her head than you are in real life? [laughter] You know, you’ll look at your girl, and be like, “why is she dating?” she’s not dating. She’s dating a way hotter you in her head. [laughter] also, a woman’s sexual-fantasy world is bananas. Every time a woman pleasures herself, she makes like a hundred-million-dollar epic movie in her head. Dozens of horses and carriages, it’s thunderstorming, thousands of extras in period garb. [laughter] that’s why guys, we got bad sexual imaginations, which is why, like, we need a woman or porn. ‘Cause if we don’t have a woman or porn, we’re fucked. [laughter] ’cause all we can come up with on our own is, like, a person and a place. [laughter] so they’re like, “I’m gonna have sex with Angelina Jolie” in my basement. [grunting]” [laughter] so, a girl asked me… She’s goes, “why, when guys jerk off”, “do they always bend over like that? It’s so creepy.” I was like, “yeah, but it’s not nearly as creepy” as not bending over and jerking off.” [laughter] this is, like, some Nazi shit, right here, like… [laughter] “what have we here? [laughs evilly]” [laughter] [chuckles] So, ladies, um, size? Does size matter? [crowd cheers] yeah? [grunts] [cheers and applause] ladies, I always heard it’s not how big you are. I hear it’s what you do with it. So what I thought I would do tonight is give you ladies a brief synopsis of what I do with it. [cheers and applause] yeah. What’s your name, sugar? – Amy: Amy. – Brennan: Amy? – Amy: Amy. – Brennan: Amy. What a beautiful, exotic name. [chuckles] [laughter] Amy, here’s a brief synopsis of what I do with it. Amy, first, I will get it erect. [laughter] then, Amy, I will stick it in your vagina. [laughter] The end. [laughter and applause] And that, ladies, is how I work mag on your vag. [laughter] [cheers and applause] Guys are funny about sex, ’cause we act like we don’t care about giving girls orgasms, but we do care, and you can tell that guys care by our sex stories. Do you ever hear a guy’s sex stories? They’re all exaggerated, blown out of proportion. Even the words are exaggerated. I saw my buddy Mike today. He goes, “yeah, dude, I was with this girl last night, right?” So I whipped it out.” [laughter] “Yeah, Mike, did you whip it out? You whipped it out, huh?” No, “whip” is the right word when a penis is 7 1/2 feet long… [laughter] And it’s got a wooden handle at the base. And every time I take it out, I do say, “hyah!” [laughter] [applause] wshoo! Wshoo! [laughter] “Whip” makes me laugh. The other phrase the guys use that makes me laugh is, “yeah, then I blew my load.” [laughter] Did you blow your load, or did a quarter-ounce of goo come dribbling out of your dick? [laughter] Did it go “pow!” or did it go… * boo-boo? * [laughter] I think I know. I think it went * boo-boo * “yeah, I blew my load. “Then, there was, like, an explosion and, like, a rockslide.” [laughter] A lot of guys died down here in the valley. [laughter] They had to shut down the interstate. The sheriff said he’s never seen carnage quite like that before. [laughter] They’re gonna do a benefit concert. [laughter] John Mayer is scheduled to play. [laughter] Listen to me, ladies. If you’re gonna fake an orgasm… You got to sell it. [laughter] Seriously, you got to sell it, ’cause I was with a girl recently who was clearly faking. Put absolutely no effort into it. [laughter] Yeah, she just went, “ah, orgasm.” [laughter and applause] “Really, don’t want to shake your leg or anything, no?” [laughter] “What am I paying you for?” [laughter and applause] [mouthing words] [laughs] What kind of girls do I like to sleep with? Great question, guys. Thanks for asking. Um… I don’t like them too young. I don’t like them too old. Too young… 18, 19, 20… Girls that age don’t really know their bodies that well, so they’re trying to act like they’re having fun, but you kind of tell by the noises they’re making, they’re not. They’re like, “yeah!” you’re like, “that’s not convincing.” [laughter] And then girls in their late 30s, early 40s, you know your bodies too well. So it’s basically like we’re just… Working for you. [laughter] Where you’re like, “all right, young man, “go ahead and hop on there real quick. “Why don’t you start me off with 15 or 16 good pumps? Let me see what I’m dealing with?” [laughter] “That’s fine. Look, I’m gonna take your right hand, put it on my left breast.” [laughter] “Young man, go ahead and kiss my neck. “And kiss it again. And pull my hair. I just came twice. Get the fuck out of my house.” [laughter and applause] [laughs] [laughter] 69-ing. [laughter] These ladies up front have been giving me a vibe all night, which is, “Neal…” [laughter] “Neal, are you gonna talk about it?” Yeah, I’m gonna talk about 69-ing. [laughter] Do people still 69, or is that shit like rollerblading, where it’s kind of not… [laughter] [laughs] I would do it more often. It’s just too hard. 69 takes so much focus, concentration. You’re, like, giving and receiving. You’re in two places at once. 69-ing is like this shit. Like… [laughter and applause] [laughs] I think about 69-ing a lot. [laughter] maybe too much. Here’s what I’ve come to. All right, the people who invented 69-ing… Were they in a hurry? [laughter] do you follow me? Like, “we’re late for the theater, but we both really need some head.” [laughter] “I think I have a plan. To the batcave!” [imitates chord] [laughter] or [sighs] was 69-ing invented… By an old white-trash couple… [laughter] [laughs] who no longer trusted each other? [laughter] [laughs] you follow me? Like, “every time I go down on you, you have an orgasm and pass out.” [laughter and applause] “so guess what, you son of a bitch? Tonight, we’re doing it at the same time.” [laughter and applause] “on my command, 3, 2, 1, munch.” [laughter] you guys, I got to go. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause continue] man: * unh * [cheers and applause continue] * a’ight * [cheers and applause continue] [cheers and applause continue]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Hannibal Buress: Comedy Camisado (2016) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hannibal-buress-comedy-camisado-2016-full-transcript/

[indistinct conversations] [woman laughing] [host] Please welcome to the stage Hannibal Buress! [audience cheering] [hip-hop music playing] What’s up, Minneapolis? Thank you. Thank you, Minneapolis! Yeah! [audience cheering] Yeah. A lot of people were asking me, why am I filming my special in Minneapolis? [man] Why? Even people in Minneapolis were like, “Why are you doing this?” [audience laughing] “Why are you doing this?” And it’s because… The rest of the country doesn’t know this, but touring comedians… know and recognize Minneapolis as one of the best cities to perform comedy in. You know? I’m just sayin’. [audience cheering] And also, four years ago, I had a threesome here, and… [audience laughing] I chase that moment with every visit I… [chuckles] Every time I return, I chase that moment. [chuckles] I gotta tell y’all something. There’s something I have to tell you guys. These are fake glasses. I don’t wear… I got… These are fake glasses. I just wear these glasses to make you comfortable, ’cause that’s how I am on television. With glasses on. But I don’t wear glasses anymore. I got LASIK. Look, these are fake. Watch this. [audience cheering, laughing] [applauding] It’s fake glasses. I’ll do this, too. I don’t need this. I got LASIK eyeball surgery. LASIK surgery, perfect vision. Perfect goddamn… Hey, don’t cheer for me like I won a raffle or some shit. I paid for it, full price. These ain’t no Kickstarter eyes right here. One swipe, the transaction was done. No downside to LASIK. Except for the fact that without my glasses, I sort of look like how Milhouse from The Simpsons looked like without his glasses. I have very beady, shady little eyes. But besides that, it’s been smooth sailing. I see all types of stuff I wasn’t able to see. Even with my glasses, I was missing details. Like, sir, you in the balcony, all the way in the back, in the center, with my LASIK… I can see… that you’re a real piece of shit. [audience laughing] And I wasn’t able to see stuff like that. I wasn’t able to make easy dumbass jokes like that either. But lately, I’ve been firing ’em off all the time, and the people love it. You have to sign a waiver when you get LASIK. You can’t just get it. I signed a waiver that said that if I went blind because of the surgery, they could just say, “Sorry about that,” and that would be the end of it. I signed a piece of paper that stated if I went blind because of the surgery, they could just say, “Our bad,” and they would hand me a cane, some sunglasses and some jazz CDs. And then send me on my lonely blind-ass way. And I’m glad I didn’t go blind. I’m really glad… I didn’t go blind. That would have been incredibly ironic to go blind in the quest for perfect eyesight. I don’t want to go blind. I’m 32, I’m a young guy. There’s still lots of shit I want to see out there. Like, they set up the movie Guardians of the Galaxy to be a sequel. [audience laughing] I definitely wanna see that shit. [chuckles] I don’t wanna go to that movie as a blind man. Even though the dialog will probably be dope, they’ll still charge me for 3D and shit, ’cause they’re petty. Corporate, they suck. They don’t care about blind people. I don’t want to go back to jacking off to my imagination. Not ready for that. Also, I don’t wanna make the tough transition of being a newly blind comedian. Even though my ticket sales would probably skyrocket ’cause of the curiosity factor. “Wait, so you’re telling me he wasn’t blind, now he is blind, and he’s doing stand-up? All right, I’ll check that shit out! All right, I’m interested! Where’s he playing? Eleven shows at Target Field? Holy shit!” “Yeah, it’s crazy. They’re moving some Twins games to accommodate him.” People will get to the gig and be pissed… ’cause all my blind material will suck. It wouldn’t be good jokes. It would be awful material I churned out to feed the beast that’s my growing fan base. Just awful jokes, like, “Uh… you ever smell, uh… So, anyways, I was at the bakery. Talk about sensory overload. [laughs] So, yeah, the other day, I was touching some stucco. At least I think it was stucco. Shit, man. I don’t know, I’m blind. [laughs] Turn up. What else? Where are you guys from? No, you guys. I don’t know who I’m talking to right now. I’m just having fun. Minneapolis! Target Field, holy shit!” Did you know… that there’s an Internet conspiracy going on suggesting that Stevie Wonder isn’t really blind. Now… I think Stevie Wonder is blind, I just think it’d be funny if he wasn’t. I think that’d be funny if Stevie Wonder, out of nowhere, did an interview with Oprah, said, “Oprah… [breathes deeply] I never said I was blind. I just like doing this shit all the time. That’s it. I like doing this. I like wearing sunglasses. And I love singing songs with my friends. That’s all.” I think Stevie Wonder’s blind. I just think it’d be funny if he wasn’t. And if Stevie Wonder came out as being able to see… it would give all the other children that have been faking like they’re blind the courage to do the same thing. I think Stevie Wonder’s blind, but he does some weird stuff for a blind dude. He goes to NBA games and sits courtside. [audience laughing] What are you doing courtside? You just really like the smell of competition? Why are you there, Stevie? How do you even explain basketball to a blind man? “Hey, Stevie, Ricky Rubio just laid the ball up.” “Okay, cool. What’s a layup?” “Oh, it’s when you lay the ball up off of the backboard, it goes through the rim of the net.” “Okay, cool. What’s a backboard? What’s a rim? What’s a net? Who is Ricky Rubio? Who are you? And what city am I in right now? I’ve never smelt this city before. Siri, what city am I in right now? Siri… [sniffing] location, please.” I know that joke seems harsh. But it’s okay. I can do that bit, because one of my best friends… is gay, so… you could talk about whatever you want. I’m 32… 32 years old. It’s a meaningless age, 32. It’s a goofy, meaningless age. Thirty means something. Thirty is a milestone, it’s worth celebrating. I’m not gonna celebrate… My friend’s turning 30… “Come to my 32nd birthday party!” No, you go to a dinner with one person and you go to bed. I’m not coming… I’m not coming to your 32nd birthday party. Go to dinner. Go to bed, loser. [audience laughing] Thirty-one… is meaningless. At least when you’re 31, you still have days on a calendar that match up with your age. So, if you’re 31, you can say goofy shit. “I’m 31! It’s the 31st!” You can say goofy shit like that. You probably shouldn’t, but you could if you wanted to. But 32 symbolizes the end of that era. And one thing I don’t like doing at 32… I don’t like showing my ID to get into bars. ‘Cause I feel like… you could tell that I’m not 20. There’s easier ways than showing ID. I feel like, if you speak to me and I speak back, I think you get it. “Hey, what’s up? How’s it going?” “I’m good, how are you?” – “All right, come in.” [audience laughing] “Wait a second, did you check his ID?” “No, I just spoke to him for two seconds. Saved everybody some time.” I don’t like showing my ID. “ID, please?” “You want ID? How about you look into my eyes? Do I look like I have the soul of a 20-year-old at all? You see all this bitterness and shit in my eyes?” “ID, please?” “You want ID? How about you look at my body? Do I look like I have the metabolism of a 20-year-old at all? I don’t have a metabolism anymore. Everything just stays.” [audience applauding] Also… there’s certain situations where I don’t wanna show ID. Certain situations. One time, me and some friends had a layover at Minneapolis Airport. It’s about 11:00 in the morning on a Sunday. And we ordered some breakfast. And I say, “Hey, let’s get some Bloody Marys for the table.” And the waitress says, “Oh, Bloody Marys? ID, please?” “Oh, you need ID? You want ID ’cause that’s what the kids are getting into these days? Who knew these kids were coming to the airport and getting fucked up on Bloody Marys and mimosas? These teenagers are out of control with their raging airport brunches. ‘Cause that’s definitely… That’s what I was doing when I was growing up in Chicago. Me and my buddies, every Sunday, we would go to O’Hare Airport. We would buy the cheapest one-way plane ticket we could find, and we would drink mimosas and Bloody Marys, stuffing our faces with frittatas. Oh, those crazy brunches! Oh, man! We would just talk about whatever. Girls and sports and our teachers! Oh, do I miss those days! Oh, my high school brunch crew! Oh, do I miss them! Oh, to be a boy again! Here’s my ID, lady. Let’s keep it moving.” Last summer, in the middle of a tour, I lost my ID. Which sucked. But what I found is that you can fly domestically without ID. Which makes sense. It’d be weird if you showed up to the airport and they said, “Oh, sorry, you don’t have ID? Oh… I hate to tell you, but… I guess you live in Dallas now. [audience laughing] I think you need to start a new life here in Dallas, and work hard until you get a new ID. And then you could use that ID to fly back to your old life and get your old ID.” No, you can fly without ID. TSA treats you like you lost your ID just to disturb their day, though. They treat you horribly if you forgot your ID. They give you a thorough, full-body pat down if you don’t have your ID, as if you might’ve just lost it in your own asshole on accident. They search your bag, they give your bag a thorough search if you don’t have your ID, as if that’ll be the time to commit a terrorist act. [chuckles] “Yeah, I don’t have my ID, but this plane needs to go down no matter what. I had a goal, I need to follow through, that’s what Tony Robbins told me. I gotta follow through with my goals. If I don’t follow through with this goal, then that pattern of behavior is gonna spill over to other aspects of my life. I can’t have that happening.” So I found that I was able to travel with relative ease… with no ID. I was able to check into most hotels. Most hotels. Not the Embassy Suites in Downey, California. They are very much sticklers for the rules. I show up at the Embassy Suites, I had my script ready ’cause I had been doing this a few trips. So I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t have my ID. What I do have is a copy of that ID, I have a copy of my passport, I have the credit card I booked the reservation with, I have my birth certificate, a prescription medicine label, and one piece of mail. I know that this is not physical ID, but I feel like these six items are more than enough for me to check into your two-and-a-half-star hotel.” [audience applauding] And the lady says, “No! No, no, you need a physical government ID!” I was a bit thrown off, ’cause I was trying to give her so much, she wasn’t trying to help me at all. I was like, how do I prove that I’m me? I gotta think outside of the box. “All right, lady, can I order Chinese food on my phone? And the guy shows up, ‘Chinese food for Hannibal.’ Is that ID? No? Okay. [clicks tongue] Yeah, can I call my mom on speaker phone? And she’s like, ‘Hey, Hannibal.’ ‘Hey, Ma.’ ‘Sounds like you, Hannibal.’ “Cause it is me, Ma.’ Is that… [audience laughing] Is that ID? A mother’s acknowledgment of my voice is not ID? What ID is better that that? Oh, you a tough one. Shit. Okay. Oh, perfect. This is all right. You got a computer right there. Ah, now, we’re good. ‘Cause I got a website. It’s hannibalburess.com. You can go on that website, there’s pictures of me, there’s videos of me, speaking in a similar manner that I’m speaking to you right now.” [audience laughing] And she says, “No, I’m not looking at that. You might’ve just made that website up.” “What? What, you maniac? Are you suggesting that I learned how to design websites, so one day, I can sneak into the Embassy Suites? In Downey, California, 35 miles south of Los Angeles, you maniac? Is that what you’re saying right now? Are you saying that I started Twitter and Instagram accounts with the same name, worked and built a following over the years, so one day, I can sneak into the $110-a-night Embassy Suites in Downey, California? $64 on Priceline. Is that what you’re saying to me right now, you maniac?” [audience cheering] “Are you suggesting that five years ago I hired David Letterman to introduce me on his show as Hannibal Buress… with a studio audience there, and he let me do five minutes of stand-up as Hannibal Buress, just so one day, one glorious day, everything would come together and I would be able to sneak into the Embassy Suites, the likely bed-bug-riddled Embassy Suites in Downey, California? Is that what you’re saying, you maniac, you?” By now, I’m shaking with anger. I was so angry. If my name was Bruce Banner, I would’ve been green at this point. I was pissed off. I wanted to mess that lobby up, I wanted to kick the door in, flip the couch, knock her computer over, throw all the magazines, ’cause then she would’ve got on her phone, dialed 911, “911… Hannibal Buress is in the lobby right now, and he’s fuckin’ shit up…” “Oh, now you know my name, you wench, you?” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Yeah. I’m trying to bring back “wench.” [sighs] I’m trying to bring back old terms, like “wench.” “Toots.” And I invite women back to my hotel room for… heavy pettin’. [chuckles] [laughing] All right, sit down. You’re ruining the shot, all right? [laughing] Oh… comedy. I try to find inspiration where I can, you know? You never know where you’re gonna get inspired. I was on a plane… and the guy sitting next to me pulled out his laptop and just started watching episodes of that show Wipeout. You know, Wipeout is based on a Japanese game show. People just trying not to get knocked into water. It’s a goofy-ass show. It’s something that, if you’re flipping through TV, you’ll watch it for a little bit, but it’s not something I would think you would wanna take with you. Usually, on a plane, I like to catch up on something with a narrative, but he was just watching episodes of Wipeout. And this plane didn’t have Wi-Fi, which means that he downloaded three episodes of Wipeout. And he was happy, I could see in his eyes, he was happy watching Wipeout. And I was happy, ’cause I was watching it, and I had my headphones on, and my music started syncing up with all the shit that was happening in Wipeout. People started falling into the water on beat, it was great. So I started thinking, what… what is my version of watching Wipeout on a plane in life, you know? How can I be different like him? How can I go against the grain? How can I not care what others think? How can I do what makes me happy? How can I inspire others in the same way that he inspired me? And I figured it out, my new thing is that… if somebody tells me my zipper‘s down, I tell him, “Let that shit go.” [audience laughing] People love telling you your fly is down without even knowing your position on zipper politics, so… “Yeah, my fly is down, this is my new thing I’m doing. Stop looking at my dick, first of all. How about that? My fly is down? Yeah, you’re looking at my dick, though, which is worse? This was an accident.” People tell you “Your fly is down” with the same energy as if they just saved you from getting hit by a bus. “Hey, your fly is down! What are you gonna do with your new lease on life, huh? Are you gonna talk about me in your memoirs? Please!” “Sir, your fly is…” “Yeah, my fly is… Is my dick out? ‘Cause if my dick ain’t out, I feel like you’re over-exaggerating right now. My fly is down, ’cause I’m not a conformist piece of shit like you! It’s anarchy down here and I’m livin’ it! What’s up?” [audience cheering] I was downtown Chicago, a homeless dude walked up, “Hey, sir, your fly is down.” “Hey, man, your life is down. Couple things, hey. I didn’t ask you for shit. This is a quick fix for me right here. You don’t know what I’m up to. I’m living life a different way. Wipeout. I’m living life in a different way.” I’m from Chicago, originally, and I was back home hanging out with my dad. I get there, he was excited, he said, “Hannibal, you ever hear of this show, The Wire? This show is great.” My dad just got into The Wire. [chuckles] “Show was amazing, Hannibal. The story lines, the writing, so many characters, it’s great. I’m on Season Two, I love it.” Didn’t have the heart to tell him that Season Two was the worst season. I’ll let him… I’ll let him finish that way he can talk about it on his own. Then I started thinking, “Why am I judging my dad for just now getting into The Wire?” People find stuff when they find it, you know? Everybody doesn’t discover somethin’ at the same time. It doesn’t make it any less good if you found it late. I can’t judge him for getting to The Wire now. I found out about Jimi Hendrix because Hulk Hogan used to walk out to his music. [audience laughing] In WCW, Hulk Hogan used to walk out to “Voodoo Child.” [vocalizing] And I’m like, “This song is amazing! This is great! Who is that? That shit is amazing!” Somebody like, “That’s Jimi Hendrix!” “Man, he’s about to blow up, man, with this Hulk Hogan exposure. It’s so cool for Hulk Hogan to give new artists a platform. He’s gonna be able to tour, he’s gonna sell so much merchandise, ’cause of this exposure that Hulk Hogan is givin’ to him. It’s a new audience!” Turns out, Jimi Hendrix is dead, Hulk Hogan’s a racist. My world is crumbling all the time. [audience applauding] I’m a little bit older than my father was when they had me. So naturally, that makes me wonder, “Do I want kids? Do I wanna deal with children’s quirks?” There’s quirks that come with having children. Do I wanna have a small person fall asleep in public and have to carry it around the rest of the day? Even though it knows how to walk. Shit like that. Or… Like, “How many horrible children’s basketball games can I watch?” I don’t know how many 16-8 final scores a man can stomach. “It’s scoreless at halftime, 0-0.” I don’t know how many back-to-back double-dribbling traveling violations a man could handle. “Traveling!” [imitates whistle] I’m like, “This is a referee’s bonanza right here. These kids suck, but the referee is killin’ it right now. He hasn’t missed one travel, huh? He’s heartless.” They gotta learn some way. No kids. I’ve thought through some scenarios of having children. Just in case. Unlikely scenarios, but I wanna be prepared. Here’s one… If my lady has triplets… we have to give one away. [audience laughing] I refuse to keep three of the same baby, man, I can’t. That shit seems so overwhelming, man. I’m open to having three children, but not three of the same baby. I wanna mix it up a little bit. Come on, man. What do I want three of a kind for? This ain’t Texas hold ’em, this is real life. Get one of those babies up out of here, man. You know how goofy that stroller situation would be? How dumb that car seat situation would be? Get one of those babies up out of here. Give that baby to somebody that can’t have babies. Her body, her choice, so she can pick which baby we give away. Unless we have two girls and a boy, she can’t just give away the boy. That’s… Come on, balance. She can pick which baby we give away. If I’m being honest, I’m hoping she picks the first one. I want her to pick the first baby, ’cause I’m the type of dude… I don’t like to grab the top newspaper at the newsstand. [audience laughing] It just seem like it got something on it, you know? And that’s my main message today. That’s really what I came here to say. If you have triplets, give one away, and I’m sorry that rhymed. That sounds like a Sugarhill Gang rap. [chuckles] # My name is Hannibal And I’m here to say # # If you have triplets Just give one away, hua! # – I’m sorry. No. [audience cheering] No. [cheering continues] I promise, give one of ’em away. You wouldn’t even miss it. You’d forget all about that extra baby once you got so busy with the twins. Look, I’m already calling ’em twins. Fuck that third baby. I can’t worry about other people’s kids when I have a family to take care of over here. No kids. I have nephews and nieces. Which is a perfect relationship… because I don’t live where they live. So whenever I visit them, it’s a goddamn event. Every time. ‘Cause absence makes the heart grow fonder. I come to my sister’s house, they’re so psyched, “Uncle Hannibal’s in town!” “You goddamn right I’m in town, kids! Hell, yeah! Uncle Hannibal’s in the building, what’s up? High fives all around.” “Yeah! Uncle Hannibal!” And I always come through with the cool-ass, fly uncle gifts. Video game systems, GoPros, helicopter drones. “Yeah! Thank you for the drones, Uncle Hannibal.” “You’re welcome for that drone. Now how about you come here and tell me a boring-ass school story? Oh, this is a horrible story. You didn’t establish any characters or anything. This story sucks. But I love you. I won’t say this to your face, but this story is garbage.” And it’s perfect. It’s a perfect relationship. They get gifts, they get to see their uncle, I get to feel something outside of show business, we get what we need from each other, then we separate. It’s perfect. They’re like hookers for my sense of nurturing. [audience laughing] I was filming a movie and I did a scene where I had to act with a baby. Me and a ten-month-old baby. There’s a couple other people there, but I was the one interacting with the baby, and what I found… babies are horrible actors. Don’t respect the process. Showed up late, unprepared. Didn’t read the script, obviously. Not good at improvising. I could go on and on. This baby sucked, man. And it was an easy job for him. Basically, be a baby. Visually, remain a baby. Don’t grow up and become a toddler in the middle of a scene. As long as you still a baby, be a baby, be quiet, make a couple grand, leave. That was it. But everybody’s not built for the business, man. [chuckles] Everybody’s not ready for it. We get him on camera, he wasn’t ready. He was chillin’ before the camera started. I’m holding him, director calls, “Action,” he just starts wailing. [mimics wailing] “I’m afraid of success. I’m wasting a huge opportunity right now. I have no future in this business.” They call, “Cut,” man, I snapped out on the director. I say, “Hey, Shaun, get this baby the fuck out of here, right now! Get me a new baby right away, or I’m walking off set, asshole. How about that?” No… I didn’t say any wild shit like that, man. But guess what? I work with very intuitive, smart people. They read my frustration, they saw the situation, so they got a new baby in there right away. Because you can’t just hire one baby for a job. You gotta have a back-up baby. The motherfuckers are unpredictable. So… we get the back-up baby and then had the same problem. We holding him… “Action!” [mimics wailing] “I’m not about my paper. I have very short-term thinking. Hannibal will never work with me again.” “Get him out of here, Shaun!” Man, we got a third baby in there. What a pro. What a pro. He came in, knocked it out. Ten minutes, three takes. He did something a little different each take, he was amazing. Came in, made a couple grand, bounced out like a G. He came in there a baby, he left a member of the Screen Actors Guild. If he ever needs anything from me, recommendation, I’ll help him out. Who knows? That kid might be the next Brad Pitt. Twenty years from now, he’s giving me all them Morgan Freeman roles and shit like that. “Hey, Hannibal, what’s up? It’s the baby from the movie. You wanna play God?” “Yeah, I do. Hell, yeah!” [chuckles] “In the follow-up, you wanna play an old-ass president?” “You’re goddamn right I do, man. You never forgot where you came from.” I left out a major detail about those first two babies. They were white. And… I’m not the type of guy that will say that babies can be racist. But I will say… that they can have favorite colors. And also, the third baby was white, too, man. That wouldn’t make any sense if they switched the race of the baby. They were all white babies. See, the third baby was a cool baby that could hang, like J. J. Redick or Justin Timberlake, you know? – A cool-ass baby. [audience applauding] I guess, the children thing, if you’re planning a family, it comes down to perspective, what you see. Like, some people, you’re at the airport, you see a man, wife, two kids, some people say, “Wow! Look at that beautiful family.” But… I just see a dude… that had to buy four plane tickets. And that shit adds up over time, man. [clicks tongue] I’m just trying to figure out life, you know? Figure out life just like you guys. Trying to figure out math. Not general math, but specific math that applies to my life. I’m trying to figure out… how many strangers I have to have empty sex with before I propose to my ex-girlfriend. And… the numbers are mounting irresponsibly. It’s messed up, ’cause I’m not even a good first fuck. I’m not a good first fuck. It takes some time. My dick gotta grow on you like the Yeezus album. It takes a few listens. At first, you go, “I didn’t like that! But after several listens… I have to say that he’s one of the best.” [audience laughing] Sometimes, I find myself in a situation where… a woman I’m seeing wants more than I’m willing to give. And that’s not to say that she doesn’t deserve what she wants, that’s just to say that I’m not the one to give it to her. Does that make sense? I’ll give you an example of a situation that happened. One time, chillin’ out in the bed, I got my left arm around this woman, we had just finished up and we’re chillin’, and she was trying to get me to double-arm cuddle hold her like that, and… I didn’t feel like we were there yet. I didn’t feel like we were double-arm… cuddle status yet. I feel like I was giving a lot, holding her with my left arm, I was holding her tight with my left arm, which is a lot considering we had just met about, probably, three hours ago. And I’m holding her tight like this. And she kept on trying to get me to hold her like that and… I didn’t want to. And that’s not to say that she didn’t deserve to be held like that, that’s just to say that I wasn’t the one to do it at that moment. How do I put this in a better way? A dollar bill isn’t worth that much in England… but it’s worth a lot in Mexico. We all mean different things to different people, is what I’m trying to say. Finding true love is about finding your Mexico, where you go somewhere and you say, “I get how many tacos for $3? Holy shit! I wanna stay here forever.” And you just hope that that feeling is mutual, and that’s love. [sniffs] There’s an interesting energy around me sometimes when I’m… I’m skeptical of people. [stammers] It’s a weird emotion when you’re… when you’re flattered and cynical at the same time. People you see… “Oh, that’s nice that you would say that, but what the fuck are you up to? What are you up to, lady? What’s your motives? What are you doing? What’s going on here? Why are you so giddy? I don’t know you. Where were you six years ago? What’s going on here? Is this a setup? What’s happening? Is this a setup? Did Bill Cosby send you or some shit? What’s going on right now?” [audience cheering] “I’m not falling for it.” Well, that situation got out of hand. Yikes! I was just doing a joke at a show. I didn’t like the media putting me at the forefront of it. They were sly, dissing me in the news. “Unknown comedian, Hannibal Buress…” [audience applauding] Just awful, that was how their leads were. “Broke-ass comedian, Hannibal Buress, took the stage…” “Homeless comedian, Hannibal Buress, took the stage in Philly covered in rags.” I got a lot of flak for that. People were writing me awful things. I had people writing me, “Bill Cosby’s not a rapist, Hannibal. You are!” What? What? That’s not how that works. That’s not how that works at all. You know, the weirdest thing about getting a death threat from a male bodybuilder/stripper on Facebook is… when you click on his profile and see that you have one mutual friend. And then hitting that friend up and saying, “Hey, man, can you tell your buddy to stop saying that?” Not that I think he’s really gonna do it, I’d just rather him not say it to me. You don’t wanna take that energy into your brain if you don’t have to. ‘Cause I don’t think that’s how killers operate. I don’t think a killer… “I’m gonna kill Hannibal Buress. First… I’m going to the coffee shop, buying the cheapest thing, so they give me the Wi-Fi code. Then… I’m sitting down, pulling out my Acer laptop and logging on to Facebook. Then I’m searching ‘Hannibal Buress, ‘ then I’m spelling ‘Buress’ correctly, then…” It’s an interesting situation, man. It’s very weird. Who knew? Who knew that an off-hand joke… about Cosby-raping would lead to me having… amazing consensual sex across the country? [chuckles] [audience cheering] And… I like to chase adrenaline, excitement. That’s why I do this. It’s exciting. I do other things to chase the excitement after the show’s over. I like to gamble. Like in an old casino, I like craps. I like craps because you can bet against the person that’s rolling the dice. You can be negative. You can just walk up to the table, “I don’t believe in him, for $20. I don’t believe in him.” “I don’t like his hat. $30 against his hat.” You can bet against people for whatever reason. It doesn’t have to make sense. “Hey, I don’t like the cut of his jib. $50 against the cut of his jib.” I play blackjack, too. And they say go by the book to give yourself the best chance at winning in blackjack. It’s called basic strategy. Certain things which you’re supposed to do to give yourself the best chance of winning. Like, certain things. Don’t split tens. Double down on 11 when the dealer’s showing a three, these different rules. One of those rules is, you’re not supposed to hit on 17. But if I have 17, and the dealer’s showing 10, I’m supposed to assume the dealer’s down card is a 10, so I’m staying on 17 against a 20. I’m going out like a bitch. That’s not how I like to live. So sometimes, I hit on 17. Situation came up, packed table, I had 17, dealer’s showing 10, I was the last one to go before the dealer flip, I said, “Hit,” and everybody at the table gasped and went, “Holy shit, no! No! He’s on full tilt, holy shit!” Even the dealer said, “Are you sure?” “Yes, sir, I’m sure. Yes, I’m sure! Hit! Hit! I’m hitting on 17!” I busted out, 27. [audience laughing] Turns out, dealer’s down card’s a five, I took his 10. He would’ve busted out with 25. His next card was a six, he got 21, everybody lost. I took everybody down with me. Yeah. [audience applauding] Yes! Now, that’s kamikaze blackjack right there. And, you know what, to be honest, that shit was way more fun than winning. It’s only a $10 table, on to the next one. It’s gambling, baby! We’ll get that shit back. We got all night! Drinks? Drinks? Drinks? All right. [audience applauding] I’ve been trying to come up with a way for me and my friends to play Russian roulette without anybody dying. – [chuckles] – [audience laughing] Because I feel like Russian roulette, at its core, is a very exciting game with extremely high stakes. So, how do I bring that excitement into my life without the threat of death while maintaining the integrity of the game that the originators would have wanted? And… I think I figured it out. Me and my friends go out into a field, we have a revolver, put a bullet in the chamber, spin it, and you have to pull the trigger with the gun pointed directly at your Xbox. [audience laughing] I feel like that’s high stakes and low stakes at the same time. You get a lot of feelings from that. One, you get to take a shot at an Xbox. Two, you get to see if the Xbox works after you shoot it. Three, you get to see if the Microsoft warranty even covers a shot-up Xbox. And if they don’t, you get to see if you could get a cool customer service person that says, “Man, we don’t cover that, but y’all are crazy as hell for that shit, man. That was so wild! I really respect the gamesmanship. Thank you so much for bringing that new energy into my job and my life, ’cause I really hate my family right now, man. You guys brought a jolt, I can’t even describe it. I’m gonna give you these free Xboxes, but in exchange, can I please join your crew for two months, probationary status, please, man? I feel like I’d be at a good… You know what? I said too much. My apologies, sir. This is unprofessional.” I did a charity show in New York a few months ago and it was for Gilda Radner’s Club. Gilda’s Club, and it was me, eight, nine other comedians. We signed this poster. There was two of ’em, two posters. They had all our pictures on them. Before the show, we signed them, and they were auctioned off in the middle of the show. Rachel Dratch was hosting and she was auctioning off and she was like… And they sold for $8,500 each. Seventeen grand for two posters. And then Rachel was like, “Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, Hannibal Buress!” Hey, wait a second, don’t just bring me on. Right, don’t just do that. Wait a second, okay? I’m not used to going on stage right after some posters just sold for a Honda Civic. Like, kill some time, Rachel. Give me a little time to process what just happened. I’m not used to this. This is new energy. Seventeen grand for two posters! If I was on Price Is Right, I would’ve been completely off with that. I’d be like, “Two posters, huh, Drew? Uh… [audience laughing] Uh… $1.” Seventeen grand for two posters! That is fuck-you money, right there. I don’t have fuck-you money. I know a couple people that got it, I don’t have fuck-you money. I have “Hey, excuse me, don’t talk to me like that, please” money. I don’t have fuck-you money. I got “strongly worded e-mail” money. I got… I got that “limp handshake, no eye contact” dough. But I’m trying to get it, trying to figure it out. Get a side business. Entertainment is too fleeting. You gotta get something stable. I wanna have something. Just so that, 15 years from now, when somebody comes up to me, “Hey, Hannibal, what happened? Haven’t seen you on TV in a while. Haven’t seen you touring. What’s going on, man?” I say, “You’re right, you’re right. And, you know, while I’d rather you not bother me while me and my family are at this Bloomington Denny’s, you know…” [audience laughing, cheering] “Let’s talk about it, you know? You’re correct, my comedy career isn’t going how it used to be going. But guess what? My gourmet deviled egg business is flourishing right now.” [chuckles] Deviled eggs, that’s the biggest racket in the restaurant industry. Three eggs cut in halves, sprinkle some bullshit on ’em and charge $9. Wow! I want in. I want some of that deviled-egg money. Use the deviled-egg money to fund my next racket. I want my own liberal arts college. Yeah. “Come to Hannibal’s Liberal Arts College.” You know what my pitch would be? “You wanna spend more money in four years than you’re gonna make in the next 25 years? Well, come on! Come on here!” [audience cheering] “If you gonna be in debt, you might as well be in debt with somebody you like a little bit. I’ve been on TV at least six times. Come on!” Use that money to fund my next racket. It’s a solid, practical business. I want my own toilet paper business. That’s a stable business. Everybody uses toilet paper. Unless you use baby wipes, which… Everybody should use baby wipes. I don’t know why we decided, as we get older, we have to treat our assholes worse. But toilet paper it is, and toilet paper companies never shut down. You never hear about it. “Yeah, we had to shut our doors. People stopped shitting.” You never hear that. You never hear that! And let’s say, hypothetically, people do stop shitting. Guess what? Toilet paper doesn’t spoil. You put it in your inventory in storage and wait it out. They’ll be shitting again, they can’t hold it forever. You just have to be patient and believe in your business. I’m kind of talking to myself right now, not y’all. And toilet paper companies rarely advertise. And when they do choose to advertise, the concepts are very flimsy. Like, “I don’t know, man, what we gonna… Who cares? Just put a bear on there. Who cares, man? People are gonna come to us eventually. They have to shit. Get money, man. The money’s out there, we need to go get it. This meeting’s over and no more meetings. I hate talking about this shit, let’s go. Lunch? Lunch? Lunch? Let’s go! Sushi.” But before I embark on my journey as a multi-faceted businessman, there are some steps I have to take to ensure success. I gotta buy a printer. I don’t own a printer… and I’m pretty sure you need at least three printers to run your own liberal arts college. I need a printer! It’s been holding me back, not having a printer. I’ve been on the phone with people, “Yeah, Hannibal, just print that out, sign it, get it right back to us. We can get started working right away.” [groans] “Here we go again. I’m sorry, I don’t have a printer. Thank you for the opportunity. I hope we can work together when I get a printer. I hope you guys find someone to work with that has a printer. Thank you. Goodbye.” I have to get a printer. I’m telling you. That’s the only difference between me and Kevin Hart. He has a printer and I don’t. [audience applauding] I’m telling you! He’s able to print out all the contracts and scripts. He’s printing that shit out. I’m at Kinko’s, he booked the gig already. Story of my life. I should’ve been in Ride Along, is what I’m saying. It’s interesting being a performer in this day and age… you know? Everybody has cell phones. Cell phones. And people try to film. I saw people filming the beginning of this. Like, it’s gonna be on Netflix. Way better. [laughing] “Let me get this shit, so I can show that I was there. Hey, y’all, look at what I was sort of paying attention to.” We like to show that we saw stuff. We gotta show it. Social currency. “Look at what I saw. Look at what I saw. You don’t get to see what I see. Except for when you’re looking at pictures of me seeing that shit.” Makes for some interesting situations. One time, I landed in Columbia, Missouri. Garbage, garbage airport. Garbage airport. One gate, one bathroom. The bathroom is on the ticketing side, which means as you go through security and something happens with your stomach, you gotta go back on the other side of security, handle your diarrhea situation and then go back over, but they still search your shit like they did the first time. Awful airport. I would compare that airport to a bus station, but that would be disrespectful to some of the nice bus stations I’ve been to. – Some of ’em would be offended. [audience applauding] So I land there… and I’m walkin’ to get a taxi out front. And there’s a police officer there. He recognizes me. He fans out, “Holy shit! Hannibal Buress!” “Relax, Officer…” It just seems weird. It’s weird to see a cop fan out, “Holy shit!” “Dude, relax, you got a gun, man. Don’t act like that, dawg. Come on, man, you got a gun, you doing… [exclaims] That shit don’t look good in a uniform. Save that behavior for plain clothes. Or, not at all. How about that, man?” [exclaims] “Dude, stop doing that with your leg, Officer.” Just makes me wonder, how… Expect him to protect and serve, he’s out… fanning out in these streets. He’s chasing down a robber, he gets distracted, “Hey, you get here right now! Come here! Holy shit, come here! Police, stop it! Whoa, is that Waka Flocka? Holy shit!” Pow, pow, pow, pow! Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow! So the cop calms down and he says, “Hannibal, I know this is unprofessional of me as a police officer, but can I please take a picture with you?” And I didn’t wanna take a picture with the cop. For a lot of reasons. One, he posts it on social media… people can caption it whatever they want. It’s out of my hands. “Comedian Hannibal Buress snitching at the bus station.” [audience laughing] Also, I don’t know if he’s a good cop. I don’t know if he even likes black people, and just really likes a few that’s on television. It’s messed up, but it’s how some white people are, unfortunately. Some white people are like, “I don’t like n i g g e r s, but LeBron James is amazing.” [chuckles] But I just took the picture with him. ‘Cause it was quicker and easier to take the picture with him than it was to explain all the reasons why I didn’t want to. Also, these days, you deny a cop something, that shit can go left real fast. “Hannibal, can I please take a picture with you?” “You know what, Officer, I’m sorry, I’d rather not.” “Hey, stop resisting!” [mimics gunshots] “Stop resisting!” Then the news story is, “Comedian Hannibal Buress… grabs police officer’s gun at the bus station.” Now, there’s an eyewitness all of a sudden. “Yeah, I saw the whole thing. Let me tell you what happened. Hannibal walked off the plane, went to the bathroom, took a shit. And he walked right up to the cop and started grabbing his gun. And he’s way bigger and stronger than you think. And I don’t like his stand-up. His show sucked. Broad City is okay. Guilty.” [audience cheering] Ah. I had a weird situation recently. My cleaning lady brought her kid with her. I hear you, I know that sounds obnoxious to start a joke with “my cleaning lady,” but the shit, it’s not that extravagant. It’s like 60, 70 bucks. A bunch of you motherfuckers spend that on vaporizer accessories easily. So don’t… judge me and my 60-buck cleaning lady. She brought a kid with her. Here’s the problem with that. I’m 32, I live by myself. You can’t just bring a kid into my world unannounced. Give me 15 minutes heads up out of courtesy at least, God damn. But I have empathy, so I realized she brought her kid because she had to. Not because she wanted to. So I didn’t kick them out. I didn’t say, “Hey, both of you get the fuck out of here! You come back by yourself when you’re ready to clean for real, all right?” I didn’t say that, ’cause I’m not a goddamn monster. I welcomed them to my place. I popped the Xbox on. I grabbed the kid some juice. I’m a great host when I’m under pressure. I go into my room to do some work. I overhear the kid say, “Ma! Ma, is there another room to chill in? Because this couch is really uncomfortable.” “Oh, for real? You’re uncomfortable, little homie? That’s interesting that you’re uncomfortable, ’cause I’m uncomfortable, too. First of all, I didn’t know your ma was doing an impromptu bring-your-child-to-work day. I’m uncomfortable. I don’t want you here, man. There’s lube and drugs. You might find a fake pussy if you look around enough. I don’t want you to see that stuff. You don’t deserve to see that stuff this early.” [audience laughing] It’s called a Fleshlight. And… And I got it as a gift once. I used it twice for the novelty, once for loneliness. And… then I stopped after that. You know you gotta put that shit in hot water every time? Get out of here. Every time? No, not a chance. Let the dust settle on that device. Man, it’s messed up. Pornography has changed how I view some situations. Porn has changed how I view some situations. Now, because of porn, any time a white couple in their 40s or 50s is really nice to me, I think it’s ’cause the dude wants me to fuck his wife in front of him. “Hey, Hannibal, good show. Can we get you a drink?” Uh… Uh… Uh… “I’m not really with that cuckold stuff. Man, I can’t… Can’t do that. Can’t fuck her with you in the room. Apologies, man, I’m flattered. I’m skeptical, but, uh… you all do your own thing, man. I’m not into that.” “Okay, maybe we could negotiate some type of Skype situation where… you can’t talk during the Skype, though. I will mute you if you say anything. So don’t pop into Skype with, ‘Yeah, you fuck her with that big, black… ‘ Hey, you’re muted, man. Come on!” I’m a big sports fan, man. I’m a big sports fan. I’ve spent a lot of time in New Orleans over the past year. And I went and watched their basketball team. Their basketball team changed their name to the Pelicans. The New Orleans Pelicans, which I thought was a goofy name change at first. But it’s not the worst NBA franchise name at all. There’s the San Antonio Spurs. Spur is part of a boot. There’s the Phoenix Suns. That’s stupid. There’s only one sun. [audience laughing] There’s the Orlando Magic, that’s stupid. You’re just gonna name your team after another basketball player. There’s the Utah Jazz. Used to be the New Orleans Jazz, but they moved to Utah, keeping the Jazz name, even though there’s nothing jazzy about Utah at all. It’s the least jazzy place I’ve visited in my life. It’s actually a misdemeanor to own a saxophone in Utah. Minneapolis Lakers changed into the LA Lakers. LA is in a drought, there’s no goddamn lakes there. People are dying right now. You clappin’ about people dying? Y’all suck. [audience laughing] So I thought the Pelican name was goofy… and so I researched pelicans. If you search “pelican” on YouTube, the first result is a video of a pelican calmly walking up to a group of pigeons chillin’, and then just ate one whole. [audience laughing] Just ate it whole. And didn’t even run away afterwards, he sat around. “Holy shit, I just ate your friend in front of you! Wow! I gotta say, I feel very powerful right now. God damn! Your friend was right there, now he’s right here. He’s gone! Holy shit, I’m shaking right now! One by one, you bitches look at me in my eyes and tell me how that made you feel. Wow! Whoo! Hey, human, were you filmin’ that? If you gonna post online, make sure you post it on YouTube and WorldstarHipHop to maximize the views. Very different audiences, not a lot of overlap. You gotta post on both. We can go viral, man.” So I got respect for the pelican after that. The Pelicans play basketball in a building that recently changed its name to the Smoothie King Center. Yeah, the Smoothie King Center. I’m like you were, I didn’t know Smoothie King was crushing shit like that either. I didn’t know they were doing that well. I knew they were doing all right. I didn’t know Smoothie King was doing NBA-arena well. I thought Smoothie King was doing well in the same way where your favorite taco spot opens up a second location. Where you’re like, “Oh, shit. Good for Gustavo, man. He crushing it. Got his number two spot. Good for him.” But Smoothie King is smart, ’cause they’re one of the few companies that have NBA arenas that can sell their product effectively in the arena. You can buy a smoothie in the Smoothie King Center, then sit down and watch the game. Well, nobody’s going to the Staples Center and then buying three printers and watching the Lakers. I know they don’t sell printers there. Do they? I don’t know. Nobody in Orlando’s going to the Amway Center and getting caught in a pyramid scheme real quick and… watching the Magic. I guess what I’m saying is, good for Smoothie King, in a very long-winded way. So, we watched the Pelicans play at the Smoothie King Center. Me and my lady at the time, we leave, we’re looking for a taxi. We get a few blocks away. We find one. It’s a guy leaning on his taxi, arms folded. And I walk up to him, I say, “Hey, sir, can you take us to Frenchmen Street, please?” He says, “I can’t take you. I’m already hired. Waiting for someone. I can’t take you.” And my girl, she was kinda… We were both a little drunk. She was a little oblivious and slightly white, so… [audience laughing] So she just said, “All right,” and was ready to walk away, but I’m a skeptic at heart. I’m a skeptic, ’cause I’m thinking, “Wait a second, who the hell ordered a yellow taxi ahead of time to leave the basketball game… and also told it to be three blocks away?” What? In my mind, nobody, that’s who. So, I’m a gambler. I’m a gambling dude. I politely, calmly, call his bluff. I say, “What’s the name of the person that you’re waiting for? Because maybe it’s me.” This guy proceeds to just crumble under this very light pressure. [audience laughing] He crumbled. He started screaming. “Do you have permission to ask me the name of the person? You don’t have permission to ask me the name of the person that I’m waiting for! You don’t have permission to ask me that shit!” And I’m looking at him, “Dude, you could’ve just said, ‘Michael.’ Lie to me, man! You could’ve said anything!” So now it’s obvious he’s not taking me because I’m black, which was upsetting. And now my lady realizes he’s a piece of shit, so she says… “You’re a piece of shit.” [chuckles] And I’m yelling at him, “Why won’t you take us?” He’s yelling back. We’re yelling back and forth, back and forth, yelling horrible things at each other. Just a real unproductive conversation. It’s funny how some people see that, they wanna help out. This bigger white guy saw the whole thing. He walks up and says, “Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! Stop arguing with this asshole! You don’t need to do this. This is what you do. You write down his taxi number and you call the Taxi Commission. Then they’re gonna fine him, and then they’re gonna get his foreign ass out of the country.” I was like, “Holy shit, dude! Yo, did you just double-down on his racism right now? Did you just see him not giving us a ride and raise it to a get-the-fuck-out-of-the-country? Because that’s next level shit. I don’t think you’re helping right now, man.” Sports are amazing. Sports are so crazy. There’s dudes that get paid millions of dollars just to talk about sports. There’s a segment during the NFL season called “Bold Predictions.” And it’s where four dudes sit around a table and just say outlandish shit for a few minutes. “Hey, what’s your bold prediction for Sunday?” “I think Peyton Manning is gonna throw for nine touchdowns.” [laughs] “Wow, that’s a very bold prediction!” “Hey, that’s the name of the segment, isn’t it, man?” “Well, okay, but what if he doesn’t throw for nine touchdowns?” “Man, I’m not accountable for any of the shit I’m saying up here. Thought we were just tryin’ to fill time and fill these segments until we die, man. How about you never challenge me on television again, you nerd? How about I got another bold prediction? If you say some shit like that again, I’ll punch you in your face, dawg. That’s two bold predictions. And now next, for the Hot Seat…” [audience applauding] I enjoy sports. I’m not a… I’m not a big… Not a big baseball fan. I respect the skill. I respect the discipline it takes to be great. But it’s just… It’s tough to watch. Give me situational baseball. Give me bottom of the ninth, tie game, bases loaded, full count, two outs. But don’t show me what led up to that shit. Baseball is boring. A baseball game is good to go to if you got a friend you haven’t seen in eight years, and you wanna just go somewhere and talk for a few hours, with no interruption. Baseball stinks! One of the greatest achievements in a game of baseball is the “no hitter.” That’s when nothing happens. “Oh, man, he was so good. Nothing happened, man. He was amazing! It was an amazing afternoon of pop flies and ground balls. It was great. Everybody was a-swingin’ and a-missin’. It was amazing!” I don’t like some of the rules in baseball. I don’t like the intentional walk rule, which allows a pitcher to avoid his fears and problems. “I think this guy’s too good. He’s very good. Y’all think he’s good, too? I think he’s too good. That motherfucker’s amazing. Back there, y’all think he’s too good? All right, cool, we’re not gonna do that. We’re not gonna throw to him, so, uh… Catcher, please rise and move a comical distance away from the plate. Just a goofy-ass distance away from the plate. I’m gonna throw to you four times, ’cause if I throw it to him fairly, he might have me on TV doing this shit, right here. ‘Oh, man.'” That has to suck, as a pitcher, you have to look at your bad job in the sky, “Oh, no. Not again.” Sometimes there’s fireworks when you do a bad job. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop! “Oh, man! It’s messed up, ’cause I like fireworks, but not like this, man. Context is everything, for real.” Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, oh! Pitcher. That’s one of the few jobs, where if you do poorly… there’s explosions in the sky. One of the others is TSA agent. [audience murmuring] Like, “Oh, shit. Oh, man.” So, I don’t like baseball for those reasons. I’m a huge fan of steroids, though. I love steroids. I’m flattered when athletes do steroids. Thank you. Thank you for sacrificing your long-term health for my short-term entertainment. Hell, yeah. Thank you so much for taking drugs to excel at this child’s game. But they get upset when they found out athletes was on steroids. They get mad. The game gets mad. The game of baseball. Not The Game, the rapper. I don’t know his feelings on steroids. “We found out you were on steroids in 2008.” They find out really late sometimes. It would be way more exciting if they found out midgame and shut it down. Like… [imitates siren wailing] “Stop the game right now! He is on drugs! You don’t believe me? Grab his balls, they’re very light. That’s a symptom. He’s on drugs. Game over.” “We found out you were on steroids in 2008.” Well, you know what? Sometimes you gotta let it go. ‘Cause you know what that person was probably doing on steroids? They were probably hitting home runs, creating happiness, making strangers high five each other and bond. Like, Sammy Sosa was on steroids years ago, and he was hitting home runs. And you know who was watching Sammy Sosa in the stands? Probably lots of fathers and sons and they remember that moment. “Hey, Dad. Do you remember when Sammy Sosa hit three home runs in one game?” “Yep, I remember that, son. That was your first baseball game.” “Oh, thanks for that moment. That was amazing, Dad.” “It was great to share that moment with you, son. I love you. You’re my only son.” “I love you, too, Dad.” Steroids did that shit. Steroids created that beautiful memory for that father and son. So, if you’re against steroids, you’re against family, I guess. Because PCP never did that for a father and son. There’s never been a father and son… “Hey, Dad, you remember when that naked man wouldn’t stop punching us? Oh! What a horrible night, Daddy. He had so many combinations, and so much speed, and it felt like he had equal power in both fists, Dad. What a… He was a beast. He had no weaknesses, Pop.” They found out Lance Armstrong was on steroids and I say, “Who gives a fuck? He was riding a bike. Let him do drugs. How about that? How about you stop bothering that boy, let him ride his bike and do his drugs?” Also, Lance Armstrong somehow became a millionaire for riding a bicycle, so he’s a goddamn magician in my eyes. How do you do that? How do you make any money riding a bike, if you don’t have a sandwich or a pizza you’re delivering to somebody? So, let that magical drug boy ride his bike and do his drugs. And, of course he was on drugs. Did you see how long he had to ride a bike for? I take an Adderall just to clean my apartment. [audience laughing] And even then, I don’t finish. I just end up super-focused on some weird shit from my past. Like my high school yearbook. “Damn, I miss my friend Ken, my friend Torian, my homie Black, my homie Scuba. Look, debate team, football team. Miss Carter’s English class. Oh, shit, it’s my high school brunch group! God damn, man!” All right, good night, y’all. Thanks a lot! [audience cheering] [hip-hop music playing] [host] One more time for Hannibal Buress, everybody!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny (2010) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-seriously-funny-2010-full-transcript/

Whoa! Yeah, Cleveland. What’s up, Cleveland? How you all feeling? Everybody good? Y’all good? Everybody straight? Cold as shit out this bitch, ain’t it? I don’t like that— All this snow. I don’t like that shit. Y’all got that slushy shit, that slipping snow. Hey, look— God damn it. There’s slush. There’s slush right there. Watch the slush. I don’t like that shit. Y’all ain’t supposed to have snow out here. I don’t like that shit. Y’all ain’t supposed to have snow out here. Good year for y’all though. Right now got— Before I even get started, shouts out to— — Hey, sugar foot. How you doing? How you doing, sweetie? Get it out now. Before we get started, shouts out to my man Shaq up front showing love. The cavs. My man LeBron in the house. Shout out to our boy LeBron in the house. It’s a good year for y’all. A good year for y’all. Y’all might do it. Y’all might do it. Y’all might do it. Y’all might do it. All right, y’all got me up here for a while, all right? And this time— About an hour. I’m gonna be up here about an hour. Now in this time y’all gonna hear a lot of stuff. I’m not gonna lie to y’all. Don’t judge me. I don’t want nobody judging me. I love to be honest when I’m on stage. I talk about things that I know— My family, my kids. I love to talk about my babies. Two babies— Little boy and little girl. Now I used to talk about my son being a dumb baby. I used to. I’m serious, I did. I thought my baby was a dumb baby. But now I’ve realized he’s not dumb, he just does dumb shit. Like, I don’t like the way my son throws his tantrums. You know, when a baby throws a tantrum he’s supposed to fall out, cry, roll on the ground. That’s a tantrum. This is not a joke, this is for real. This is what my son does when he gets mad. I’m not lying. Don’t make me laugh. Look. This is what he do. He goes… This is what he do. He go… It’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t say nothing. I got to wait till he’s finished then explain to people what happened. Then explain to people what happened. He got an attitude ’cause he can’t get no candy. My baby is weird, man. When he gets mad he gets in the oven. I swear to God. He gets in the oven. Then get an attitude with me when I get him out. Boy, get your ass out of the damn oven. Get your ass out of the oven before I turn it on. When I say that he go, “hot. Hot. That thing hot, daddy.” I love him to death though, man. Two— A little boy and little girl. Now my daughter, my daughter’s a different ballgame. My daughter’s spoiled, man. About to be five. Spoiled. I’m not gonna lie. I spoil her. That’s what I’m supposed to do. She’s at that age now though where she knows. She knows how to play me and her mom against each other. She knows how to make us fight. Here’s how she got me in trouble the other day. She came in the room, she hit me with the soft voice. She’s like, “dad, can I have a cookie?” I said, “yeah, baby. Let’s go get a cookie.” I start walking towards the kitchen. Out of nowhere all I hear is, “don’t give her no goddamn cookie!” Scared the shit out of me. I stopped. I didn’t know what it was. I thought it was Jesus at first. I went, “why can’t she have a cookie, Jesus? What did she do?” But here’s how smart she is. She knew how to get a reaction out of me. She looked at me. She said, “dad, I thought you was the king of the house.” When she said that, it set me off. It riled me up. So I snapped. I said, “what the fuck you mean she can’t have no goddamn cookie? Why’d you buy the cookies if can’t nobody eat a cookie? That makes you stupid for buying uneatable cookies. Ain’t nobody getting a cookie.” I shut the whole cookie operation down. I grabbed the cookies, got my ladder, put them on top of the refrigerator. Then I hid my ladder. It wasn’t a big ladder. Three steps. It’s a ladder for thugs. Pap pap pap, real quick. Little thug ladder. This parenting thing is hard. You need patience. Got to have a lot of patience to deal with these kids. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t have a lot of patience. I’m learning. I’m trying. Certain things make me mad. Like, I don’t like it when I tell my kids to do stuff and they do exactly what I say. I want you to do what I say, but I want you to do it how I pictured you doing it. but I want you to do it how I pictured you doing it. Don’t do it the way you want to do it. Do it the way I saw you doing it when I told you to do it. It might be confusing, but this is serious to me. The other day my son, he’s suped up off candy. He’s running all over the house. I got mad. “Hey, that’s it. Come here. Shut it down. Go to bed.” Swear to God, this is what he did. This made me so mad. Standing up, this is what he did. I said, “go to bed.” He said, “ah” I was so mad. “Wake your damn ass up. You don’t sleep standing up. You’re not no vampire.” You’re not no vampire.” I was mad ’cause I didn’t know how to explain why I was mad. You don’t close your eyes till your brain tells your body to shut everything down. I got a lot of fears, man. I got a lot of fears as a parent. Let me tell you guys one of my biggest fears. One of my biggest fears is my son growing up and being gay. That’s a fear. Keep in mind I’m not homophobic. I have nothing against gay people. Be happy, do what you wanna do. But me being a heterosexual male, But me being a heterosexual male, if I can prevent my son from being gay, I will. Now with that being said, I don’t know if I handled my son’s first gay moment correctly. Every kid has a gay moment. Okay? Every kid. But when it happens, you’ve got to nip it in the bud. You got to stop it right then. “Hey, stop! That’s gay!” It’s quick. “No!” I don’t know if I handled my son’s situation right. Okay? He’s at a birthday party, right? My son’s at a birthday party, he’s playing. My son’s at a birthday party, he’s playing. You know when kids play, they just play. You don’t know what they’re doing but they’re having a good time. They’re just doing a bunch of stuff, right? They’re moving around. I said, “okay, he’s good.” I finished talking, I turn back around to check on my son again, a little boy was grinding on my son’s ass. He was like this. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I knocked them both down. “Hey, what’s going on here? What kind of party is this? Huh? What kind of party is this? What’s going on here?” This lady came out. She was like, “what are you doing? They’re kids, let them play.” She was like, “what are you doing? They’re kids, let them play.” I said, “you show me another kid getting fucked in the ass and I’ll calm down.” My son had on corduroys. That’s why I had attitude. I didn’t see it, I heard it. All I heard was… Brr brr brr. “What the? Who the hell is playing with cards? What is that? Is somebody shuffling cards? They’re too young for spades here.” The thing that pissed me off— Here’s what pissed me off, man. I was eating a buffalo wing when it happened. I was eating a buffalo wing when it happened. I should have dropped the wing and ran over there, but I licked my fingers first. I didn’t mean it. I said, “hey! Boy!” The black in me came out. There’s a lot of pressure dealing with kids, man. But I’m learning. Here’s one thing I’ve learned. Here’s why my patience is getting better. My kids are gonna make mistakes. The reason why— When I was a kid I made mistakes. I did a lot of stupid stuff as a child. My blood’s in them. They’re gonna follow suit. With that being said, I don’t get as mad as I used to. With that being said, I don’t get as mad as I used to. I’m calming down. My daughter cursed for the first time the other day. I didn’t get mad. We was watching “SpongeBob.” Something happened to Patrick. Out of nowhere she got mad. She’s like, “shit!” I said, “wait, what? What did you say?” She’s like, “shit! They got Patrick, dad. You not watching?” I said, “whoa. All right.” Here’s why I didn’t get an attitude. I’m gonna tell you why I didn’t get an attitude. I didn’t give her attitude because I remember my first time cussing. My first time cussing was ’cause my mom smacked me in front of company. My first time cussing was ’cause my mom smacked me in front of company. My friends was over my house. I’m downstairs. We’re playing, we’re having a good time. My mom comes downstairs, she said, “hey. I told you to keep it down. You don’t run this house, I do, okay? With that being said, that’s it. You’re done. Go to bed.” Smacked me. Sent me up to my room. Now you know when you get smacked when you’re a kid you get hyped when you get by yourself. “You gonna smack me, bitch? In front of my friends? You gonna smack me?!” I was emotional. I was an emotional-ass kid. I was emotional. I was an emotional-ass kid. “I’m running away! That’s it!” I packed a bag and everything. You know how many times I packed a bag with a toy? I packed a bag with one toy. “I’m out. I’m sick of it. Me and He-Man are out.” My mom gave me permission to cuss one time. One time she gave me permission to cuss. I’m in school, I’m being bad. My teacher got mad. Said, “Kevin, come here.” Told me to come to the front of the class. Wrote a note, stapled the note to my chest. Said, “make sure your mother reads the note.” I get home, my mom reads the note. The note said, “maybe if you showed your son some more attention at home, he wouldn’t act like a fool in school.” My mom read the note. She said, “let me tell you something. You tell her mind her damn business before I come down there and I beat her ass.” Before I come down there and I beat her ass.” I said, “okay. You want me to say it like that? Or do you want me to take some stuff out?” “What I say? Tell her mind her damn business before I come down there and I beat her ass.” I said, “no, I heard what you said. I just want to make sure that you know that you’re telling me to say the same thing.” “Kevin, if I tell you again I’m gonna smack the shit out of you.” “Okay. No, I got it. Okay, I got it. Okay, I got it. No, I got it. All right, okay.” Keep in mind it’s a lot of pressure, all right? Keep in mind it’s a lot of pressure, all right? My mom just gave me permission to go to school and cuss my teacher out. I didn’t feel comfortable with the situation. So I wanted to practice. I wanted to go upstairs, I wanted to go over my lines. So I’m in the mirror, I’m going over my lines. I’m like, “okay, all right. Okay, all right. Okay. My mom told me to tell you to mind your damn— No, that’s too loud. That’s way too loud. That’s not believable. It’s too loud.” Finally I go over it. I get it down. I’m like, you know what? I’m gonna go to bed early, get some rest. ’cause I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow. ’cause I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow. I don’t want to mess this up. So I go to bed. I wake up, get dressed. Put on my pants and my shirt. I get on the school bus. All my friends see me. They get hyped. “Ooh, Kevin’s on the bus. Everybody look. Kevin’s on the bus. What up, Kev?” I was like, “yo, not today, y’all. I got a lot of stuff on my mind. I can’t really have y’all throwing me off.” My friends was like, “what are you talking about?” “I can’t really get into it. All I can tell y’all is that it’s about to go down.” He was like, “what?” I said, “look, man. He was like, “what?” I said, “look, man. It’s about to go down. Just be behind me when I walk in class.” He said, “all right, cool.” I walk in class, miss green my teacher, she starts speaking to everybody. “Hello. Good morning. Good morning. Hello. Hello. Good morning.” She sees me, she was like, “Kevin.” I said, “miss green.” She said, “did you let your mother read the note?” I said, “yes I did.” She said, “well, what did your mother say?” I took a deep breath. I looked at my friends. I was like, “it’s about to go down.” I said, “well… I said, “well… My mom told me to tell you to mind your damn motherfucking business, bitch. Little stupid bitch. Little dumb teacher bitch. 2+2 not knowing what the fuck it is bitch. Cross-eyed, crying down your back fat foot ass bitch. Long tittied, no nipple having ass bitch.” The shit was crazy. My friends was in the back and they was like, “oooh! My friends was in the back and they was like, “oooh! He said she ain’t had no nipples.” I got suspended. I got suspended and an ass whipping. My mom beat the shit out of me when I got home. “I told you to say two cuss words. You said 76 of them.” I thought I was Samuel L. Jackson. I’m sick and tired of these motherfucking teachers in this motherfucking school. I had a trench coat on and I flapped it. You know when you flap it, you got to get that air under it. Like fuck everybody in this bitch. I don’t give a shit. Like fuck everybody in this bitch. I don’t give a shit. I’m a goddamn thug. You can’t be so hard on your kids, man. One of my friends got a teenage daughter. He too strict. I told him, “you got to relax. That girl gonna do what she want to do when you’re not around anyway. Relax, man.” He said, “Kev, let me tell you something. Do what you want to do with your kids. Don’t tell me how to raise my kids.” I said, “you’re right. I apologize.” Now this isn’t funny, but it made me laugh, okay? He goes to his daughter’s phone and he finds a picture of a little boy’s thing on the phone. Right? of a little boy’s thing on the phone. Right? Now it’s my friend, okay? Tells me everything. It’s not funny that he found a picture of a little boy’s thing on the phone. It was funny the way he told me. He confides in me. He tells me everything. He comes on the tour bus, he mad as shit. He says, “Kev, you’re not gonna believe this. I go through Tiffany’s phone. I found a picture of a little boy’s, uh, situation on the phone.” I said, “what? What?” “I found a picture of the hot dog without the bun on the phone.” “What are you talking— ” “A tallynackle. She had— “What are you talking— ” “A tallynackle. She had— It’s a dick on the phone! She got a dick on the phone!” I didn’t know what to say so I just kept repeating what he said. I said, “so you’re telling me he is a dick on the phone?” He said, “there’s a dick on the phone.” “So right now if I look in the phone there’s gonna be a dick in it?” I said, “well, what you gonna do?” He said, “what you think I’m gonna do? I’m about to go to the school.” I said, “why you going to the school?” He said, “why you think? I’m about to find out whose dick it was. That’s why I’m going to the school.” I said, “yo, I don’t think that’s a good look. I don’t think you should do that. I don’t think you should go to the school with a picture I don’t think you should go to the school with a picture of a little boy’s dick in the phone and try to match it up to other little boys. That’s a little pedophile-ish, don’t you think? You’ll be in jail before 3:00.” He said, “well, what would you do?” By far the most difficult question I’ve ever been asked in my life. He said, “what would you do? ” I thought about it. I don’t know. I don’t know what I would do if I found a picture of a little boy’s thing on my daughter’s phone. I don’t know what I’d do. I’d probably punch her in the throat. I don’t know. ‘Cause I got a son too, okay? If I found out that my son is pulling his thing out at school, when his mother’s around I’m gonna have an attitude. When his mother’s around I’m gonna have an attitude. I’m gonna have a lot of stuff to say. “Really? Really, dude? That’s what you do at school? So you don’t need pants ’cause your dick is out, that’s what you’re telling me?” As soon as his mom leaves— “Hey, come here. What she say when she saw it? Give me some. Give me some. Yes! Hell yeah! Sometimes you got to put it on the table, son. Let ’em see it. We small but we big at the same time. Let ’em know.” I’m a different type of parent. I’m a different type of parent. I am a different type of parent. I’m not gonna lie. Certain things I do differently. I don’t like babysitting. I can admit that. I don’t like watching my kids by myself— Too much pressure. No man does. No man in this room is a good babysitter. I can tell you how every man in this room watches kids. We sit on the couch and listen for shit. That’s how we watch our kids. Kids do whatever they want when they’re with dad. “Hey! Hey! I know y’all not in that toilet. Y’all better not be in that toilet!” We ain’t gonna do nothing. I definitely don’t like watching other people’s kids. It’s too much pressure. There’s nothing worse than watching somebody else’s baby and you give them their baby back in a condition that they didn’t give you their baby in. Like you ever have to explain something before they see their baby? Like you ever have to explain something before they see their baby? “Hey, real quick before you look at your baby. Uh, your baby had two eyes for sure, right? Okay, so it happened here. Gas went off in the kitchen, blew the back of your baby’s face out. It was crazy. My baby knew what to do. He got in the oven. Your baby just stood there. Y’all don’t run in your house? Don’t nobody run in your house?” I had one little girl get hurt over at my house. Scariest thing ever, man. One little girl, right? My daughter got real big bunk beds. I’m in the living room. I’m watching TV. I’m in the living room. I’m watching TV. Her and her friends, they in the room playing. Out of nowhere, I hear a loud bang. Bang! Little girl start crying. Aah! Aaaaaah! I come in the room, the girls are standing around her. They all standing around her. One girl is on her knee looking at her face to face. This is what almost MADE ME LAUGH: When I came in the room, the girl looked at me like “hm hm hm.” But I can’t laugh ’cause I’m in daddy mode. I’ve got to figure out what happened. I go to my daughter. It’s her room. She’s responsible. I said, “heaven, c’mere. Come here. I said, “heaven, c’mere. Come here. It’s your room. You’re responsible. What happened?” It’s very hard to take a kid out of play mode. When kids are playing, they don’t know that shit just got real. They don’t know. In her mind it’s still a game. I said, “what happened?” This is what my daughter did. She said, “ho! Daddy! Daddy!” You ever see kids do that shake shit? “What is wrong with— Stop. Stop shaking your face. Stop. What happened?” Stop. What happened?” This is the story my baby told me. She said, “we got monsters, daddy. There’s a bunch of monsters in here. The prince came out, told us to get in the castle. The castle was at the top of the bunk bed. We got up there, there was too many people in the castle, so… Somebody had to go. We took a vote and she lost. I kicked her off.” “Wait, what? What?” “I kicked her off, dad. It could’ve been anybody.” My baby made an executive decision. I said, “all right. My baby made an executive decision. I said, “all right. She had to go. I get it. I understand.” I’ll tell you another fear of mine. I’ll tell you another fear of mine. Here’s another fear of mine. My biggest fear is getting knocked out in front of my babies. That’s a fear, man! As a dad, what do you do? What do you do when your kids come get you? “Dad, they messin’ with me?” “Who?” “Them!” As a dad, you gotta go whip whoever them’s ass is. That’s your job as a dad. What do you do when you go down there and get your ass whipped? What do you say? What do you say to your kids? “Dad, they messin’ with me?” “Who?” “Them!” “Stay right here. Hey, motherf— “Stay right here. Hey, motherf— Come on, come on! Let’s go! These n i g g a s are real! Let’s go! Hurry up! Get in the car! Was that a kid? Was that a kid? When we get home, I’m whippin’ your ass for putting me in that situation. I had nothing to do with that. I woke up this morning as a Christian. You don’t do that to me.” It’s a different ballgame. See, me? I’m gonna be honest with you guys, man. I’m not that guy. I’m not a fighter, man. I’m not. I won’t act like I am. I won’t. Seen too many bad things happen. I saw my dad get knocked out one time. I was 13. It traumatized me. This guy hit my dad twice in the same spot— Uhn uhn— Quick as hell. Quickest two punches I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve never seen anything like it. Hit my dad so fast I’ve never seen anything like it. Hit my dad so fast in the middle of the fight my dad stopped and asked me what happened. In the middle of the fight. He’s like, “shit! Hey! Kevin, hey! He just hit me twice?” “Yes. Yes he did.” “Are you sure it was him?” “It’s only y’all two out here, dad. Ain’t nobody else out here with y’all.” “So you telling me he that fast? They not jumping me? Ain’t nobody jumping me?” “No, nobody jumping you. It’s just him.” “Well, he must be an octopus. I saw a lot of stuff goin’ by my face.” “Really? Really, dad? “Really? Really, dad? An octopus? That’s what you just fought? A human octopus? Really?” When my dad called another grown-ass man an octopus, that was the day he stopped being my dad. I lost all respect. He didn’t understand that. He was still trying to discipline me. “Kevin! Hey! Didn’t I tell you to get the trash out? Get up, get the trash out before I crack your damn face.” “Shut up. Shut up! You get the trash out before I get Steve over here, put his damn hands on you again.” “Oh. Oh. “Oh. Oh. Oh, you gonna get Steve, huh? You are something else, you know that? You are something else. Give me the trash. I’ll take the trash out. Give me the trash.” He didn’t want to see Steve again. Steve beat the shit out of my dad. You ever see somebody lose a fight and talk like they won? That’s my dad. After he got knocked out, he’s like, “you good? Are you good now?” I said, “dad, I don’t think that’s your lines. I think the winners say that. I think the guy who won say that. I think the guy who won say that. You just lay down for a second and let him finish his speech. I think you got up too fast anyway. You gonna be dizzy.” When I saw my dad get knocked out and I saw my brother get knocked out, it made me feel like, as a family, we’re not good at this particular activity. We’re not fighters. We’re readers. We’re good readers in my family. You don’t know what people are capable of now. Too many people know too many different things. I’m serious. Know what I’m scared of? I’m serious. Know what I’m scared of? U.F.C. Fighters. You know why? Because they’re real. That is not a game, people. They are here. They exist. They know shit. Touch a pressure point, shuts your whole body down. Pow. “It’s a wrap. Can’t move none of that.” “Fight back!” “I can’t. Everything is shut down. I don’t know what he did. Everything. I can’t move anything.” You know who gonna get their asses beat by these guys? Thugs. I’m gonna tell you why. Thugs. I’m gonna tell you why. Thugs, y’all don’t know how to just fight. Thugs always got to give you a speech before they fight. You ever see how long it take a thug to fight? Gotta give you his whole background before he fight. It take too long. “Yeah. Real n i g g a s. All day. Just me. By myself. On the block. Holding it down. Gun at my waist. Straight face. All day. Not a game. In jail. By myself! One bed. No pillowcase. One pillow. Didn’t nobody write me. It was early. Woke up. Went back to sleep. Took a nap. You ever go night night, n i g g a? Took a nap. You ever go night night, n i g g a? You ever go night night, n i g g a?! Everybody goes night night, n i g g a!” “What? What does this have to do with the fight? Are we fighting or not? ” “You didn’t write me.” “I don’t know you.” These guys are gonna be the ones, man. Everybody can’t be a thug. Everybody cannot be a thug. I can’t stand TV thugs. You know what a TV thug is? Those the guys who do what they see on TV all day, every day. All day, every day. all day, every day. All day, every day. You ever see those guys. “Yeah, nig’. What, nig’?” You never seen the dancing thugs? Get out the car… “It ain’t a game. You think it’s a game around here?” I don’t like those guys. I know real thugs. My uncle is a real thug. Certified. Put a stamp on him. Locked up 15 years. Got out of jail, ain’t nothing changed. Very serious. When my uncle talk, this is how he look. I don’t care what he’s talking about. This is how he looks… I don’t care what he’s talking about. This is how he looks… I don’t care what he’s sayin’. “Put the goddamn jelly on the motherfuckin’ sandwich. Do it! Spread it!” He’s crazy. He’s crazy. He’s institutionalized, man. Understand when you’ve been in jail 15 years, all you know is jail. Your mannerisms, your language— You eat, sleep and think jail. Okay? Your threats aren’t even the same. When you threaten somebody, they should know what’s about to happen. When you threaten somebody, they should know what’s about to happen. It’s a transition into a fight. “I’m sick of your ass. Get up.” When they get up, they know there’s gonna be a fight. Stuff my uncle says leaves you in suspense. They’re like the worst jail metaphors I’ve ever heard in my life. I don’t even know how to explain ’em. He gets out of jail, my brother calls me. “Kevin, uncle Richard just got home.” “I’m on the first flight. I’ll be there in the morning.” I ain’t seen him in 15 years. I got to see him. I get there, my uncle’s in the middle of the living room. I’m hyped to see him. “Uncle Richard, what up, baby? 15 years. That’s a long time. How you been?” 15 years. That’s a long time. How you been?” I swear to God this is what he said. “Say it with your chest, little-ass n i g g a!” I didn’t know what to say. My brother grabbed me. He was like, “chill. He’s been saying this all day. We don’t know what it means. Wait till we figure it out.” Here’s the thing, right? I said, “I’m not gonna chill. I’m gonna talk to him. Y’all not talkin’ to him.” I pulled him to the side Y’all not talkin’ to him.” I pulled him to the side and said, “look, unc, a lot of stuff has changed since you’ve been gone. I’m doing well. I’m making good money. Let me take you out, put you around some women, get some drinks. We’ll have a good time.” He said, “all right, cool.” I take him to a lounge, right? I’m at the bar. I’m drinking. There’s women around me. I’m having a good time I can’t see him, but I can hear him. I can’t see him, but I can hear him. Out of nowhere all I hear is “I’m sick of this motherfucker, man. Kev, pin the tail on his ass!” “Is it his birthday? Why would I do that? “Is it his birthday? Why would I do that? W-why would I do that? What do you mean?” “Peel this motherfucker’s muffin cap back blue.” “Is that drink? That’s probably a drink. Can I get a peel his muffin cap back blue?” “Say it with your chest!” “Can I get a peel his muffin cap—” I didn’t know what to do. I was confused. My family threw him on me, man. They threw him on me. They said, “Kev, look, you’re making money. Give him a job. They said, “Kev, look, you’re making money. Give him a job. Give him a second chance at life.” I said, “fine. I’m gonna let him train me, okay?” I was about to go to Australia. I was gonna film a movie. I wanted to get a little bigger. Let him train me. Reason why? My uncle had that jail body. Up top, solid. Not a game. Rock hard. Didn’t work on his legs that much. Sometimes you could see him struggling to keep the top half up— The stick legs. Looked like this n i g g a was tip drilling all the time. Looked like this n i g g a was tip drilling all the time. “What are you doing, unc? Why you keep shakin’ your ass? What are you doing? Relax your ass, man.” “I ain’t shakin’ it. It’s my legs.” Now for those of you who do not understand the job of a personal trainer, I’ll explain it to you. A personal trainer’s job is to do what? Motivate you, people, make you feel like you could do things you never thought you could do. Here’s an example of a personal trainer’s conversation. “Come on, man. You can do it. “Come on, man. You can do it. Push it. You got it. Breathe. Three more. Last two. Get it up. Last one. Good set. Go wipe off.” That’s a trainer conversation. Once again, I didn’t like the way that he talked to me, okay? We’re at the gym. I’m on a weight bench. I’m not gonna lie. I’m struggling. I couldn’t get it. I couldn’t get it. Out of nowhere, he came up behind me. “Close your mouth Out of nowhere, he came up behind me. “Close your mouth before somebody come up, put their dick in it on the yard.” “What’d he say? What’d he just say? Somebody get the weights. I just wanna ask him something. Somebody get the weights. Let me ask him something. Uh, is that a dick out behind me for real or is he just joking? No, if it is, that’s gotta change. Somebody’s got to put that up. I’m not gonna work out if that’s gonna stay out. I pay my membership like everybody else. I don’t need to see that. Fix it.” That’s when I stopped messing with him. Hey, real quick. This is not a joke. Hey, real quick. This is not a joke. I just want to know what you guys think. Be honest. You don’t gotta lie, okay? This is true. It’s me being honest. I’m opening up to y’all for a second. Does this make me gay? I was at the mall, right? Some guy saw me. He was like, “oh, Kev Hart. What up, man? I’m a big fan. I love you, dude. Funny as hell. Keep doing you, man. Swear to God. Funny.” And I caught it. Does that make me gay? Does that make me gay? Does it make me gay? I thought he was waving. Put yourself in my shoes. I thought he was waving. I thought he was waving. Put yourself in my shoes. I thought he was waving. By the time I realized it wasn’t a wave, it was too late. I was like, “hey, man. No no no. I got it. Too late. Okay. Ummm.” It was weird. What do I do now? I held it until he left and then I set it down. I didn’t use it. I set it down. I swear to God. I’ll tell you the truth. I didn’t use it. I didn’t put it in my pocket. I just set it down. I wanted to be like my uncle for a minute. I did. This is me being honest with you guys. Reason why? My uncle got so much respect, man. People feared my uncle. I was like I want that fear. People feared my uncle. I was like I want that fear. Don’t nobody fear me. People think I’m a bitch. They do. My lady think I’m a bitch. Call me a bitch all the time. “You a bitch!” Right to my face. “So? Now what? What happens now?” It’s not that I’m a bitch. I’m just smart. I don’t put myself in situations where I’m not gonna win. That don’t make me a bitch. Here’s what really PISSES ME OFF: If I am a bitch, that’s our business. Don’t nobody know me. You don’t know me, man. If me and you get into an argument, it don’t matter what I say. If me and you get into an argument, it don’t matter what I say, you got to believe me ’cause you don’t know what I’m capable of. Same thing vice-versa. Only way you could tell if I was a bitch is if somebody close to me says something to set an alarm off in your head. That’s the type of shit she do. We’re at dinner. I’m a little drunk. I’m not gonna lie. I get into an argument with this guy, hit him with some thug shit. “Say something else to me, I’m gonna go to my car, I’ma pop the trunk on your bitch ass.” That means I’m gonna go to my car, get a gun, come back, shoot this shit up. When I said it, she was like, “what you gonna get, the car seat?” “Bitch, what— “Bitch, what— Oh my God. Why would you say that out loud? Way to go. Congratulations on messing this up for me. Congratulations.” Women, y’all make me mad with that. I’m gonna tell you what pisses me off, ladies. I hate the fact, women, that you cannot control your anger. I hate it. I really hate it. Women, you need to learn to put a cap on your anger. You know what I mean when I say “cap, ” sweetie? A cap. It means a point that you will never go above. It means a point that you will never go above. That’s a cap. Men, we have a cap. What’s the worst thing you’ll ever say to a woman? – Shouldn’t take that long, fellas. – Bitch. “Bitch.” There you go. Come in different levels. “Bitch! Hey! Bitch! Bitch!” Different levels. Different levels. Women, y’all don’t have a cap. Y’all try to cut so deep when you get mad. You want to mess with a man’s pride, his goals. Y’all say stuff that ain’t nobody’s business. It’s Christmas. My mother’s here. It’s Christmas. My mother’s here. You bring up personal stuff ’cause you got an attitude. “Yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. Whatever. Fuck you, pissin’-in-the-bed boy. Uh-huh! What now? That’s right. Go upstairs, flip the mattress. It’s a big-ass piss stain on the other side ’cause you don’t know how to control your bladder. Boo-ya! Right in front of your ma.” Now you gotta sit there with the “she lyin'” face. “What? You’re a liar. No, you’re a liar. You’re a liar. No, you’re a liar. You’re a liar. That’s Mountain Dew. I didn’t pee on anything.” That’s the difference. Ladies, y’all go too far. When you get mad, y’all see red. Y’all go to the point of no return, man. Why do you grab the steering wheel while a man is driving? Why? Why?! We both in the car. You’re gonna kill us both. But you don’t care ’cause you see red. “Fuck you! Kill us! Kill us both!” Kill us! Kill us both!” “Hey. Hey! Kill your side, bitch. Ain’t no ‘kill us.’ us ain’t mad. You got the attitude.” I know women. I can break women down. I’m gonna tell you guys something that you’re not gonna like, but you need to hear it. You need to hear it. Not one woman in this room likes for her man to have a good time when she’s not around. Not one. It’s a true statement. I see some of y’all lookin’ at me with attitude. I see some of y’all lookin’ at me with attitude. “Not true. I don’t care. Have fun. Shut up. Kill yourself.” Let me tell you why. Just listen. Let me tell you why I feel like this, okay? I don’t say anything that I cannot prove. That’s your lady right there, right? If I’m wrong, sweetie, tell me I’m wrong. You ever been out with your boys? You’re with your boys. You ain’t doing nothing wrong. Ain’t no women around. You’re having a good time with your boys. She call you while you out. When you pick up the phone, she hears fun in the background. That’s why they get an attitude. ’cause she hears fun. You pick up the phone having a good time. “Hey, shut up, Steve! Hey! No, hey, I ain’t gonna take another shot. No, hey! Yo, I swear to God that was like the best night of my life. I swear to God. Hey. Hey, what’s up, babe?” “You know what? Nothing. Do you. I haven’t got time for this. Do you, boo boo. Do you, boo boo. Do you, boo boo. Do you, boo boo. You know why? ’cause I’ma do me! Do you, boo boo! Do you! Every time I call you always laughing. What the fuck is so funny?! You laughing at my stretch marks?” “What? Nobody knows you have stretch marks.” “Whatever!” Y’all crazy, man. Y’all are crazy. I’m very serious, man. I’ll— I’ll go a step further. For those people that are not believers yet, I’ll go a step further. For those people that are not believers yet, I’ll go a step further. Fellas, you ever have a genuine laugh around your lady? I’m talking about to where your stomach hurt. You know the good laughs? One of them. You ever look at your lady’s face? See how mad she get ’cause she’s not a part of the laugh? Look at her face. You think I’m lying? “What the hell are you laughing at? ” “I don’t know. I thought everything was cool. I didn’t know.” I thought everything was cool. I didn’t know.” I know what I’m talking about. Ladies, I know what you guys are thinking. You’re like, “whatever. Men, you do the same thing too. Y’all get an attitude with us when we go out.” I’ll tell you something, ladies. We don’t really give a fuck. Let me tell you why. Hey, listen. Listen. We don’t. It’s all an act, okay? If you guys could see how much fun we have when you leave the house and we’re alone— There’s so much fun stuff that happens. You’ll never know about this stuff. It’s just a good time. We got to put on that show so you feel like we care. We got to put on that show so you feel like we care. It’s all a show. “Babe, no. Come on, babe. Babe, please. Every night with them. Come on. Spend time with me, your man— And the bitch is gone. Yeah! Yeah! * Oh oh, I’m by myself * * What? Oh, I’m by myself * * What I’m gonna do? What I’m gonna do? * * I’ma beat my dick, I’m gonna beat my dick * * I’ma get it, I’ma get it * * Where the laptop at? Where the laptop at? * * I’ma get it, I’ma get it. *” That’s what we do. That’s what we do. Soon as you leave, there’s so much filth that goes down. If you don’t believe me— If you don’t believe me, ladies, next time you leave the house, come back in five minutes. I bet you catch him doing nasty shit. Bet money. Bet money you catch him. Soon as you leave, come back in. “Hey! Get the— Hey, girl. I thought you said you was going to work. God damn it. You got somebody with you? Is somebody with you? Wait a minute. Let me clean up. Let me blow these candles out. God damn it. I thought you was gonna be gone all day. Set up an evening for myself, you gonna come back all fast. Why didn’t you ring a bell? You don’t ring bells? You just gonna use a key ’cause you live here. You are something else. Something else.” I know what I’m talking about. I know what I’m talking about. Ladies, I’m gonna be honest. I understand you guys. I really do. I understand you guys. Your biggest fear is not being fun. You don’t ever want your man to think that you’re not fun. That’s why you’re always looking for validation. Always. You’re always looking for validation. “Babe, I’m fun, right? Huh? Babe, look. Remember? Right? Remember that time? Remember? Jump shot. Remember, I was like, ‘ahhh, in your face. Michael jordaaan.’ remember? No?” Michael jordaaan.’ remember? No?” See? That’s why we try to make you feel fun. That’s why we listen to your stories. To be honest, I can’t stand when women tell stories. I hate it. It makes my balls itch. I hate it. I swear. It’s just a bunch of words with no plot, no middle, no ending and it’s always angry. Why are all your stories so angry? Everything about work is mean. How come nothing good ever happens at work? It’s always bad. “Babe, let me tell you about this bitch Sabrina at the office today. “Babe, let me tell you about this bitch Sabrina at the office today. First of all, she comes in the office with white stockings on and black shoes. Uh, excuse me, bitch, Labor Day is over. Huh? ‘scuse me. Boop. Thank you. Backspace. Delete that. Huh-uh.” They start talking about problems in the office. We don’t fuckin’ know. “Let me tell you what she did, baby. She come to me talking about, ‘can you go print this out the fax machine?’ ‘uh, no. I am an executive administrative assistant, not your assistant.'” we got to act like we know what’s going on. “Whaaaat? “Whaaaat? She told you to print it out the fax machine? Huh-uh. No, she didn’t. That bitch is crazy. Not my baby.” “Thank you.” They all turn into the computers. “Thank you. I told the bitch, ‘boop. Backspace. No. L-o-l. R-t-o-f-m-a-o. Thank you. Delete that. M-t-f-o-m-o-f-o-h-s.” “What did you just say? ” “Get the fuck out of my face. We can’t curse in the office.” “Okay.” I don’t understand you guys. I love you, but I don’t understand you. I love you, but I don’t understand you. But as men, we have to. I’m not gonna lie. We’re not perfect. We are not perfect. I know I’m not perfect. The reason why, ladies? You’ve got a little to do with that. You put men on too high of a pedestal. Whatever pedestal you have us on, take us off. It’s too high. We’re never gonna meet your expectations. Take us off. I’m serious. Once you realize we do dumb shit, we’re dumb sometimes, we’re gonna fuck up— That’s our nature as a man. we’re gonna fuck up— That’s our nature as a man. Once you guys realize that we’ll get along so much better. If you don’t believe me that men do dumb shit and don’t realize it, listen to ’em. Listen to the answers we give you when we do dumb shit. You ever hear how dumb our answers are when we do dumb shit? “So you just gonna sit down there at the pool with all them naked bitches?” “Well, I thought it was cool. I’m waitin’ on you to come down.” This right here is the national dumb n i g g a stance. Whenever your man— Whenever he get bow-legged and touch his face… “I’m waitin’ on everybody else. “I’m waitin’ on everybody else. I’m thinkin’ everybody gonna eat the chips.” “What? What are you talking about, man?” I know I’m not perfect. I know I do dumb shit. I do. I can admit that. I’ve never done crazy stuff. I ain’t never put my hands on my lady. I never went that far. I plunked her one time. I did do that. Right in the forehead. Mm, it was solid. It just jumped out my body. I don’t know where it came from. She was driving, I’m like, “bitch, you think it’s a game?” She was driving, I’m like, “bitch, you think it’s a game?” You would’ve thought I’d hit her in the head with a bat. She went… I was scared. I thought I was going to jail. “Hey, I’m sorry. Get your plunk back. Here. Get it. Plunk me back. Let’s be even. Come on. Plunk me back. I just wanna be even. Please please? Can you please plunk me back?” That’s just me being honest. There are certain things I’m not good at. I’m not a good storm-outter, people. I can admit that. For those who do not know what storming out is, that’s when you leave the house angry. that’s when you leave the house angry. “I’m sick of this! I’m gone!” Slam the door. Boom! The purpose of storming out is to leave the illusion in your lady’s head that you’re never coming back. When you slam the door, she’s supposed to break down. Soon as you slam the door. “I’m gone!” Boom! She breaks down. This is my impression of a woman breaking down. “No. Oh my God, please don’t. No. No, don’t do this to me. No, every time I do this, you do this. No.” I hate when women cry and try to talk. I can’t stand that shit. I can’t stand that shit. “I ain’t wanna do that. I ain’t tryin’ to do nothing.” I look like the first slave to ever walk. “I don’t want to do nothing. I was just trying…” It’s too much. I’m gonna tell you why I’m not a good storm-outter. You know why? I forget stuff. You can’t storm out and forget shit, ’cause you got to go back, get the shit you forgot. You look stupid. Trust me, fellas. I know from experience. You leave angry— “I’m sick of this, man! I’m done! You leave angry— “I’m sick of this, man! I’m done! I don’t care! I’m done! Forget you! Forget the house. I’m out!” Boom! “Don’t give a shit, man. My keys. God damn it. My keys on the thing. Babe, let me get my keys on the top of the thing. I left my keys up on the top of the thing. Please.” I need my keys. I need my keys ’cause I got to get in my car. When I get in my car, I get my car on, step on the gas, make the tires burn out. Reason why I do that? Women, you can’t handle it. You break down after a while. Women, you can’t handle it. You break down after a while. “Oh my God, no. He’s gonna kill himself. No no. Don’t do it. Do the speed limit, please. No. Every time…” That’s my impression of women. Had to get out of there. Tell you another reason why I can’t storm out of the house correctly. My son always want to come. Can’t storm out with a kid. It take too long. A storm out’s gotta be fast. In and out. Boom boom, quick. My son be at the door. “Mm mm.” “No! No! Stay with your mother.” “No! No! Stay with your mother.” “Boy, God damn it, stay with your ma.” This is when women try to use kids as ammunition. “Look at you. You can’t even take your son with you. He want to go with his dad, but you can’t even take your son with you.” Now I can’t be a piece of shit. I’ve got to prove a point. I got to take him. I’ll tell you something, fellas, you look stupid when you try to keep your attitude and get a baby’s shit together. You look dumb. From experience, you look stupid. “I don’t give a shit. I’ll take him. Get the diaper bag. Put the sippy cup and shit in the bag. Get the diaper bag. Put the sippy cup and shit in the bag. Put the change of clothes and shit in the bag.” This is when I knew I looked stupid. When I did this with the diaper bag, “bitch, you think I give a fuck about you— Let me tell you something, you got another thing coming.” When I swung the diaper bag over my shoulder— “You got another goddamn thing coming if you think I give a shit.” It wasn’t good, man. This is me speaking the truth. See, I can talk about relationships. I’ve been in one for years. I know relationships. I’ve been in one for years. I know relationships. I see a lot of couples here together. You guys don’t understand what you’re in. You don’t know how serious it is. I don’t mind seeing couples. I don’t like seeing new couples. I can’t stand new love. I hate it. That’s me being honest. It’s too much. I don’t like over love. You ever see those couples that go too far, that’s too much? You ever see a couple that’s newly in love try to share? You ever witness that? “Hey, babe. Hey. Babe. Hey, love button. Hey, love button. Hey, I got a little bit of juice left. You want some juice? Yeah? You wanna take a sip, I’ll take a sip, you take a sip? You want to do it like that? You wanna go ‘sip sip sip’ like that back and forth? Yeah? Go ahead. Take a sip. Ah. Give it to me. You do it. Same time. Do it. Your nose is in the way. No, your nose is in the way. I love you.” Too much. I fuckin’ hate it. I like older couples. I like older couples. I like couples that’s got time in, man. You know why? I like to see those couples argue. Couples with time in, small problems become big problems. If you’ve got time in, juice can become a problem. Let you go buy some juice and she’s with you while you buy the juice. You go outside, open up the juice, she asks for a sip. Bet money you lose your mind over that sip of juice. Bet money you snap. Soon as you get outside, “babe, let me get a sip.” “Uh, bitch, didn’t you just see me buy the juice when I was inside? “Uh, bitch, didn’t you just see me buy the juice when I was inside? So if you wanted some juice, why didn’t you ask for some juice? Now you want a sip of my juice, fuck around, take a double sip, I’m left with a little ass sip ’cause your over-thirsty ass want to take a double sip. No, get your own juice. Walk your fat ass inside, you sippin’-juice bastard. You wasn’t even thinking about juice.” That’ll be on your mind all day. Seven hours later, you’ll bring it back up. “A sip of my goddamn juice. You are something else, you know that? You are something else. You weren’t even thinking about the juice.” I got into an argument over mashed potatoes one time. We almost broke up. I’m very serious. You know what I don’t play? I don’t play that picking off my plate stuff, ladies. Don’t pick off my plate. I’m very serious. I don’t like it. In the beginning, men, we have to do it. The reason why? We’re still trying to impress you. So we go overboard. “Hey, you want a little piece? Yeah? You want me to cut it? Yeah, I’ll cut it. I’ll give you all this. I’ll just leave this little piece for myself. Yeah. No no no. I probably should eat the whole thing ’cause I’m a diabetic, but no, I just want you to be happy. Yeah. You should definitely drive home. I can’t see. It’s a little blurry.” We go overboard. I’m gonna tell you why I got mad. We’re at a restaurant getting ready to eat dinner. Her food comes out before mine. “You want me to wait?” I said, “no, eat your food. Mine’ll be out. Don’t worry about it.” She’s eating. I don’t ask for any of her food. “Enjoy your food, babe.” My food comes out. He says, “enjoy your meal.” I said, “thank you, sir.” I take my napkin, fop, put it on my lap. The reason I go fop, it’s big to me ’cause I’m small. The reason I go fop, it’s big to me ’cause I’m small. It takes up a lot of space. So I bow my head to say my grace. As I’m saying my grace, I hear a metal fork on my plate. “Uh, bitch, you can’t wait till I’m done talking to Jesus before you touch my goddamn plate?” You know how mad that made me? “Take the goddamn food, bitch!” I snapped. I get mad fast. Little shit pisses me off. Takes a lot of patience, man. Whole lot of patience to be in a relationship. I’m understanding that now. I’m understanding that in a relationship, I’m understanding that now. I’m understanding that in a relationship, things will change, people. Nothing stays great forever. Sex will change. In the beginning, it’s amazing. You know why? Men, we’re creative. We’re spontaneous. We’ve got a bunch of stuff we want you to do. “Come on, let’s do this. Let’s try this.” We’ve got a whole bunch of stuff. But after a while, fellas, we get repetitive. We start to do the same thing over and over again. Your lady will never tell you this. You got to be a real man. You got to check your ego to figure this out. I’m gonna tell you how you can tell if you’ve been doing the same stuff for years. She ever get into a position before you put her in it? She ever get into a position before you put her in it? Think about it. Just think about it a second. That’s how you can tell. That’s how they mess with you. You’ll be having sex, she’s like… “You want me to turn over, right? I knew it. Same thing since ’88. You ain’t changed.” She start answering questions before you ask ’em. “It’s yours.” “I ain’t say shit.” “You’re about to. You say the same thing every time my ass get up in the air. You’re about to come. Watch, here it come. You’re about to come. Watch, here it come. You came? I told you. High-five. What’d I tell you? I know my man. Give it to me. Up top.” Your dumb ass get up dancing. “You’re goddamn right. I tore that thing up.” No, you didn’t. No, you didn’t. It’s the same dumbass moves that you’ve been doing. I know I’m not good at sex anymore. I know it. No need for me to lie. We’ve been together too long. I’m not gonna lie. I’ve tried to rekindle this flame, people. I have. I tried to spice it up. Tried having phone sex and stuff, Tried having phone sex and stuff, but it’s hard for me. I’ve got too many people in my house. I got kids, I got a nanny. I got to call at the right time. I call one time, she picked up. I was like, “what you doin’? ” “Nothing. Laying down” I said, “why don’t you lick your finger and touch your nipple?” She said, “what?” I said, “shut up. Just do it.” Out of nowhere, all I heard was, “daddy, you want me to do mine too?” “Hello? Hello? Hello? Is that the baby on the phone? Well, what the hell is the baby doing on the goddamn phone?” Well, what the hell is the baby doing on the goddamn phone?” When I came home, it’s like, “daddy!” “Hey, no! No! Come here. That’s gay! Come here. Let me tell you something!” I didn’t know what to do. I did not know what to do. It’s a difficult time for me. I’m gonna tell you something. I’m gonna tell you where all of my sex advice comes from. My grandpop. My grandpop gives me the best advice ever. I love my grandpop to death. I wish everybody could meet my grandpop. I love my grandpop to death. I wish everybody could meet my grandpop. If you’re lucky enough to have your grandparents in your life, and you wanna laugh— Listen to me. Shouts out to all y’all with grandparents. If you got a grandparent in your life and want to laugh, ask your grandpop— Just see what he say— Say, “grandpop, when’s the last time you had some ass?” Just to see— Just to see what he says. I promise you it’ll be the funniest shit you ever heard in your life. My grandpop never answered. He just said a bunch of stuff. This is not a joke. I said, “grandpop, when’s the last time you had some ass?” “Hey hey, look at me. “Hey hey, look at me. Okay? Hey hey. Hey. What’d I do? You know what I did. All right? Okay? Let me tell you something. I put that key in that door and locked that motherfucker, didn’t I? Hey. Okay? Hey. Gave her that goddamn ‘wha-whan,’ yes, I did. Yes, I did! Look at my eyes. Roll ’em.” “What? What does any of that mean? What did you just say? What did you say, grandpop?” I’m telling you, man, he’s funny. My grandpa’s one of those old down-south old men. When my grandpa cuss, he pronounce every letter in the cuss word. “Sh-ee-it-tt!” Like he’s serious. He’s serious old, man. Let me tell you. This is what he does every day. All my grandpop do every day— He just stand at the screen door and just complain and shit. He just fuss all day. “Look look look look look look look. “Look look look look look look look. Look look look at this. Somebody come look at this. Look at this. Somebody come look at this. Look at this. Goddamn cat drinking milk out the bowl. Get out the bowl! ” This is what makes me laugh. After he yell at somethin’, he stare at it for a long time. “Get out the bowl!” He was asleep. He fell asleep. I wish y’all could see him. Kids be teasin’ him. Kids are mean, man. Why are kids so mean? ’cause they know he can’t get out the screen door. They tease him. They come up to the door. They tease him. They come up to the door. Shit. He gets so mad. Have you ever seen an old person get real pissed off till they start making them noises? “What? What’d he say?” “He’s just angry. He’s an angry old man.” I saw my grandpop fall one time. Funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Took my grandpop 47 seconds to fall. Took my grandpop 47 seconds to fall. It took too long. It took way too long. It’s funny, but it’s not funny. I’m gonna show you exactly what I saw. This is how my grandpa fell. This is exactly what I saw. Ahh… I got tired of watching. I just kicked it. “Stop. Let go. I got tired of watching. I just kicked it. “Stop. Let go. Stop it. Stop it. It could have been over. You’ve not even got that far. Stop. It’s too much, grandpop.” Watching people fall is funny. When was the last time you really fell? “Oh oh oh!” One of those. “Oh no no!” Hey, Shaq, when you fall during the games, it’s the funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Hey, you ever see his legs after he fall? Next time, look. I’m telling you, y’all. Next time you watch a game and he fall, this exactly what he do. Look, it’s always something stupid. He go up to get a rebound, he don’t get it. “Oh. No.” LeBron. This is LeBron. Look at him. LeBron. This is LeBron. Look at him. “God damn it, Shaq. Get your ass— Shit, man. Get up.” “I didn’t know. I didn’t know.” Okay, one more, one more. Shaq, this is how you fall frontwards. “Hey, no. Oh God, please.” Holy shit! Holy shit! Oh, y’all got to look at the coach’s face. Y’all don’t watch the right shit, man. This is Shaq falling and this is the coach. “Somebody help his ass up. LeBron, get him up!” “No no no. I pushed him too hard.” I told you I was gonna fuck with you. I’m gonna tell y’all, the fucked-up part about that joke? I fucked my knee up just now. That shit hurt. That shit hurt so goddamn bad. I tried to run it off. That shit locked up on me, didn’t it? That age is coming out. That shit hurt like hell. Talking about people falling. Talking about people falling. Tell you who else is funny to watch fall. Women, you don’t fall, you buckle. I like watching you guys buckle— That heel. Fop fop. I like that. That heel get hold of y’all. Fop fop real quick. Oh, that’s the funniest shit ever to me. Y’all don’t know how to play it off. Y’all don’t know— They don’t know what to do so they try to stay regular. It’s always on a cute night. “No, girl. They talkin’ ’bout— Tonight— No no, bitch. Please, get the— Get the heel. No, it’s slushy. Get the heel. No, it’s slushy. Get the heel. Get the heel back there, please.” Or y’all do— Or y’all do that shit— Or y’all do that shit where y’all miss a step. You ever see a girl miss a step? She don’t fall down the steps. Y’all ride ’em. “N-n-no.” Y’all do that right there? “N-n-no no no. N-n-no.” You ever notice there’s always a pervert guy to catch you? “N-n-no.” “I got you. God damn. I got you. Oh, damn it. God damn. You almost fell, didn’t you? You almost fell, didn’t you? I got you. No, I got you by your titties. That’s what I caught you by— Your titties. Jesus. I’ve never seen anybody fall like that. That was good. I caught her right there. Did you see how I caught her? Her titty was in my hand.” I’m joking around and making fun of people falling, old people and stuff, but I can do that. Know why? I have old people in my life that I’m close to. My road manager and I are very close. He’s older. He’s old. We fight a lot though. It’s kind of like a relationship. Been around me for years. He was with me before money even came into the picture. He’s the one scrambling up for me. When you’re around somebody for so long, naturally you start to butt heads. Little shit annoy you. I don’t like the way he sneezes. I don’t like it. I swear to God, when he sneeze, it’s a close call. I swear to God, when he sneeze, it’s a close call. You think he’s about to die. This is how he sneeze. I’m not bullshitting. It’s the scariest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. I’ve never seen nobody catch their breath from a sneeze. He’s old though, man. He does so much shit that pisses me off. I don’t like it when people are slow. He’s very slow. When you get in the car, how long does it take you to pull off? When you get in the car, how long does it take you to pull off? A couple seconds, right? Okay. It took him 25 minutes to pull off the other day. I’m dead serious. I can’t— I can’t tell you. I got to show you. But don’t make me laugh, okay? I’m gonna show you exactly what he did. Okay. I’m in the car. I’m in the passenger seat. I got my seatbelt on. I’m ready for him. All he’s got to do is get in, pull off. I’m gonna show you. Don’t make me laugh though. “All right. Let’s go. Okay. Oh. Oh no. Okay. Hey hey. Hey, Kevin. Hey, Kevin. Hey, Kevin. Hey. Hey hey, Kevin. Look where they at.” Now I don’t wanna laugh ’cause I wanna see what he’s gonna say about taking so long. This is exactly what he did. I’m not bullshitting. “Oh God. All right. All right, let’s go. All right. Got it. All right, got it. Got it. Got it. You ready? You ready to get on out of here?” You ready? You ready to get on out of here?” “What the f— Yes. I’m waiting on you. Come on.” This is the shit that pissed me off. He’s all, “let’s go. Gotcha gotcha gotcha.” What the fuck is this? “Why are you shooting at me? ” That shit made me so mad. Like “what the fuck? Don’t put your hands in my face. You’re being an asshole. Just drive, man. Don’t say shit to me. Just drive the car.” That is the only time I’ve ever cussed at Nate. He’d never got mad to the point where he’d cuss back. This is the first time he ever cussed back at me. I could tell how old he was by the way he cussed at me. I could tell how old he was by the way he cussed at me. “Let me tell you something, sucka. Hey! Listen, Jack, you ain’t nothing but a piece of cheese without the corners. In other words, you ain’t never gonna be a slice, bitch.” “What did you just say to me?” “You heard what the fuck I said.” Here’s the thing— I give Nate a lot of shit. I tease Nate a lot, okay? But at the end of the day, he’s got my back. I know he does. Nate’d take a bullet for me if he had to. How do I know this? It’s been confirmed. All right? We was in Dallas, Texas— We was in Dallas, Texas— Me, Nate, my boy Harry, Wayne, spank— My lady was with me. We having a good time. We do a show, we’re at the after party. We gettin’ it in. * Mmm mmm * * Get money, mmm mmm * * Get money. * We gettin’ it in, right? I look up, the owner of the club, he got my lady by the arm, her girlfriend by the other arm, he’s throwing them out. I saw it happen, but I acted like I didn’t ’cause I didn’t want to be a part of it. I didn’t want to be involved. My boy Wayne was like, “yo, he got your girl by the arm.” “What? Chill. Don’t nobody do shit. I got it.” “What? Chill. Don’t nobody do shit. I got it.” I run up to him. I say, “don’t put your hands on my lady, man.” I pushed him. He didn’t go back that far, but it was a good push for me. It was all I had. When I did it, he was like, “security!” Security came up, grabbed me, put me in a full-Nelson. Now you know how you think you making somebody struggle? You think you give ’em a hard way to go? I thought I was, but I wasn’t. I was just moving my face. I was like… So now in my mind, I’m like, “where is Wayne at?” That’s my security guard. That’s who I pay for shit like this not to happen. On cue, Wayne and my boy spank come running up, On cue, Wayne and my boy spank come running up, they grab the security guards. They’re like, “get off him. Let him go.” Now I hear ’em. I’m still in a full-Nelson, but I hear my friends so I feel better. I know I’m safe now. But before they let me go, the owner mushes me! He puts his hand on my face. “I said get the fuck outta here.” Mushed me. I never had nobody put their hand on my face. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to get it off. I panicked. I panicked. I licked his palm. I licked the shit out of his palm. “Get your hands… Off my face.” He was like… He was like… Then they let me go. Now I’m free, but I’m not leaving ’cause I don’t want him to think I’m a bitch. So I run back up to him. “Yo, man, don’t put your hands on my face. You don’t know me like that.” As I’m talking to him, I’m like, “oh shit, he’s in a fighting stance. Kev, he about to hit you. Protect yourself. Better yet, hit him first.” I throw a punch. Punched him right in the face. Bow! Never hit nobody in the face before. I was excited. I celebrated. I was like, “yeah, bitch. You don’t want it. Real n i g g a s. All day. D-block. All day. By myself. Gun on my waist. By myself. Gun on my waist. Smile on my face. In jail. One bed. One blanket. You wanna go night night, n i g g a? You wanna go night night, n i g g a?” So now he tries to tackle me. As I’m in my speech, he tackles me. Why would you tackle me? I’m small. I got a low center of gravity. I get him off me. I start uppercutting him. Mmm mmm mmm. Whipping his ass. He realizes that he’s losing. He tries to call his security guard back. “Thomas, Thomas, come help.” I look over. Wayne, my security guard— Wayne got a real big stomach. Wayne had Thomas on the wall. Wayne got a real big stomach. Wayne had Thomas on the wall. When I looked over, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAW: Wayne was like, “what you doin’? Where you goin’? No, what you doin’? Where you gonna go? What you doin’?” It didn’t look good. I didn’t know if he was helping me or helping his self. I never brought it back up. I didn’t want to know. So now reality has kicked in. “Oh shit, I’m in Dallas, Texas. If I get arrested out here, I’m not getting out of jail till, like, Tuesday.” I’m like, “yo, let’s go. Get the car. Nate, get the car! Let’s go!” This is how I knew Nate was O.G. This is how I knew Nate was O.G. Nate got the car, pulled the car up on the curb, blocked the whole curb off, right? I’ve never seen Nate this hype in my life. He was hype as shit. He’s like, “hey! Get Kev in the car! Hurry up, man! Hurry up before the cops come. Somebody grab his head, push his head down so they don’t see him.” When he said that, I was like, “oh shit. Nate used to be a killer. How else would he know what to do in a situation like this? I don’t even know who he is anymore.” Then he snaps on me. “I can’t believe you, Kevin. You got a career! You doin’ television, you doin’ movies. You gonna jeopardize that shit for a street fight? You gonna jeopardize that shit for a street fight? That’s stupid! Let’s go! Hurry up, man! Hurry up ‘fore the cops come. We don’t have time. Y’all wanna do what y’all wanna do. We got to get the hell out of here. We don’t have this type of time.” We never pulled off. We got locked up on the spot. Cleveland, I love y’all. My name’s Kev Hart. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

AMY SCHUMER: LIVE AT THE APOLLO (2015) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-live-apollo-2015-full-transcript/

My name is Amy, and it’s my show! ♪ Man ♪ ♪ Uh ♪ ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Man, I been did that ♪ ♪ Man, I been popped off ♪ ♪ And if she ain’t trying to give it ♪ ♪ Then she get dropped off ♪ ♪ Let me bust that U-ie ♪ ♪ Bitch bust that open ♪ ♪ Might spend a couple thou’ ♪ ♪ Just to bust that open ♪ You know her from her hit TV show. You loved her in the movie “Trainwreck.” Harlem, it’s time to give it up for the one and only Amy Schumer! ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ Get up! Get the fuck up, Apollo! Come on! Thank you! Please, sit, I– I would never ask you to stand. I can’t believe you all stood… of your own volition, thank you. That’s never happened. Thank you so much for being here. This has been an insane year for me. I started out– I made two New Year’s resolutions. I, uh… Number one, I wanted to catfish someone. Did it, loved it, recommend it. And number two was to this year just once take off a pair of underwear and have it not look like I blew my nose in it. Now… Same? Same? No? You’re kind of like, “No, no.” So you find a pair of underwear on the floor and you’re like, “How do I know if I wore it?” Please, you know. You know. She knows. I’m like, “Oh, cool they filmed “‘Charlotte’s Web’ in my underwear, wow. ‘Salutations’? Okay.” I don’t know why the guys look grossed out. Your underwear looks like a coal miner wiped their brow… at the end of a shift, a long shift. So my name is Amy, and I’m at the Apollo. Um… Right? You guys all look like you’re from this neighborhood. So… Here’s how I wound up here. Okay? Let me just catch you up. My two front teeth didn’t fall out until I was in fifth grade. Which is late. And that same week, I got my period. Which is early! So I was just like this jack-o’-lantern with tits walking around, like… Trick or treat. I was like Pinocchio transitioning to a donkey. I was like, “Hee-haw!” And I had one of those really cool moms who told me, “You don’t need to shave above your knee, just… here down.” So here up, I was just a werewolf, just… Mr. Tumnus here to here. Benicio Del Toro… beneath my torso. I’m so happy to be filming my special here in New York. I grew up here, I was born here, um, did my first everything here, um, still no anal… But I just love New York, ’cause it’s a town where I can get laid. Like, I can catch a “D” here kinda whenevs, yeah. And, uh, I was in LA for a little while, and, um… can’t, can’t there. Uh… Just in case you’ve never been to LA, it is, um, filled with the most beautiful people from all over the world. So, picture the most beautiful girl in your high school, like the one that you wanted to be. Okay? I’m talking to the guys right now. And everybody was like, “You’re too pretty for Buffalo, Brittany, go to LA. Go.” Everyone is hot there. Everybody, okay. I saw a guy, he was cleaning up a Pizza Hut bathroom. I would have paid this guy to fuck me. I would have paid him good money. I don’t– People don’t even see me there. Like, I just– They’re just like, “Is that a fat tumbleweed? Like, what’s…” My body type there, they’re like– My arms register as legs there. They’re just… They’re like, “Is that an octopus? I don’t understand.” And my legs register as firewood. They’re just like… like, “Why is the BFG on Sunset?” Just… It got to the point– I was in LA, I was so excited. Somebody tweeted about another actress. They were like, “She looks like a fat Amy Schumer,” and I was like, “Yes!” “It’s not me!” It’s so insanely— Like, if I go on an audition in New York, it’s for, like, the cute girl you didn’t notice ’cause she was, like, wearing khakis or something. Like, “There can’t be a pussy under there, those are khakis.” How would that even work? But then in LA, I’ll be in a waiting room, they’re like, um, “Amy, it says here– “Are you reading for the girl getting gastric bypass? Is that correct?” “Amy, who did you– Did you play Gilbert Grape’s mom? I can’t place you.” I’m like, “No.” They’re like, “Okay, well, you didn’t get the part. “But do you want us to put a hose on you, keep you moist, so we can return you to the sea, Blackfish?” It’s fucked up. And that’s not how it is for the dudes at all, okay? Like, I just happened to see the movie Zookeeper. Did you ever see that movie? Okay, if you didn’t, don’t, all right? Don’t see that. But… So Zookeeper is about talking animals, okay? And the male romantic lead is… Kevin James. Um… Oh, my God, I know. Is it wet in here, ladies, or is it us? The real King James. And, uh… And Kevin James is dating a beautiful, blonde skeleton. And… And he’s sad because sometimes she’s mean to him. And then… the girl who is in love with him, who he doesn’t notice, who’s been there all along, waiting in the wings, is Rosario Dawson… arguably the most fuckable actress ever. Rosario Dawson is just, like, working at the zoo, just, like, sweeping up koala shit. Like, “Please fuck me, Kevin James.” “Why won’t Kevin James give me his dick?” And he’s like, “Ew, you’re wearing khakis, never.” Like, that movie’s about talking animals. There is a beaver and a penguin that are friends and talk about opening a bed and breakfast. But that’s not the most unrealistic part of that movie. It’s Rosario pretending– She should get an Oscar for that fucking movie. Let’s see Meryl do that. I dare you, Meryl. Pretend like you’re dying to have Kevin James deep dick you. I… I dare you. It’s fucked up in Hollywood. That’s why I– I wrote a movie last year and I, uh… Yeah, thank you. Thanks. I did it. And I went like that, and then send, and I’m a hero and, uh… But they were like, “We’re gonna make your movie.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, this is so great, ’cause I love money.” Um… So I wrote this movie and, uh, and I just assumed that they would cast, like, a beautiful model-y actress to play the lead role and, uh, you know, like a Blake Lively or like a… Sofía Vergara… Verge… Verchair… Vergina… and, uh, and then I’d be on set just as, like, a writer with, like, a messy bun and a laptop like, “Um, Miss Lively, the line’s actually ‘My pussy hurts.'” And… And she’d be like, “Why is there a garden gnome on set?” And, um… And I would just, like, stumble back to my sad office. But… they were like, “No, we want you to be in the movie.” And I was like, “Oh, my God. Me?” They were like, “Yes.” They were like, “We just need you to do three things. “One, just be yourself. “Two, have fun. And three, stop eating food.” And I was like, “Wait a minute! I’m sorry, don’t people need food to live?” They were like, “That’s a myth.” So, I was like, “Okay.” And they were like, “No. You promise?” I was like, “You guys… “like, I don’t even like food. “I was just eating it ’cause I was bored. “Like, ugh. Who wants to, like, chew and eat food all the time?” Me. I do. It turns out, I need food and, uh… So they got me a trainer. And I’ve never had a trainer before, and this guy is the trainer. He’s like, trains all the Hemsworthses and, um… …like, Megan Fox and, like, an actual fox. Like, everything that you wanna fuck, this guy has gotten his mitts on, and, uh… And so, we’re meeting for the first time, and I can really picture him, like, it was like slow-mo. I saw him see me and wince. Like, “Ooh. Um…” He wasn’t used to this kind of cargo. So, he’s walking toward me and he’s smiling at me, like, trying to be brave like you would for, like, a burn victim. Like, he’s like… “I can see there’s a human under there somewhere.” And, uh… And like, I– I see him looking at me and I know he’s, like, assessing what’s up with me. So I’m trying to make muscles that, like, my body doesn’t even support. I’m just like… Like, I look like one of those inflatable things outside a car wash that are like… I’m like… And, uh… And so… he gives me this, um, this, like, questionnaire. He’s like, “Okay. How many drinks do you have in a week?” And I’m like– you know how you get just, like, just once in a while, you’re like, “What if I’m just honest for the fuck of it?” Like, “What if I just… What if I keep it real with this guy right now?” So, I’m like… “36.” “36.” And, uh… And he’s like, “No, alcohol.” And I’m like, “No, alcohol.” And… And, uh, he’s like, “All right, take me through what you eat in a day.” And he stops me at noon. Like, he had heard enough. He’s like, “I get it.” So… And then he’s like, “Okay, well, here’s your new diet, all right? “So for breakfast, you’ll have a smoothie. “And then for lunch, you’ll journal “about that smoothie. “And then, you put a peanut under your pillow and you hope you dream about pizza.” And I’m like… I’m like, “Um, I kind of have to stop you here. “It’s sounding like at times I will be hungry. “Um… Did I miss a couple of courses in there? Uh…” And he had to explain to me, like, “No, sometimes people are hungry.” And I’m like, “Oh, my God. Well, where are they? Can we bring them food?” Like, “I’ve got some extra stuff in my apartment, like, not a lot– Actually, let’s just get them their own food.” Um… And, like, that’s the secret I found out. Like, that’s Hollywood’s secret. They don’t put food in their faces, and that’s not an option for me. Like, I don’t know how it was… how it was in your house growing up, but in our– in my house, it was, like, you would eat till you were in a lot of pain… then you’d take, like, a little breather… and you get yourself back in even more pain, right? Like, I was born weighing 150. Like, I just came out swinging. Like, “Give me linguine, Ma!” That’s how it’s been. Like, I have never in my life– I’ve never said this sentence in my life– I’ve never said, “Oh, my God. I forgot to have lunch today.” Like, never in my life. If anything, I’ve been like, “Oh, shit. I had two lunches today… that lunch and that other lunch.” Um… So I was like, “I don’t think I can do this not eating thing. “What if I… just develop an eating disorder? Like, I’m a white girl. I can do it, you know?” So, I, uh, I made a decision. I was like, “I’m gonna get a late-in-life eating disorder.” And… So I binged regularly, and, uh… and then I was like, “Here we go. First day pukin’.” And… and my body was like, “No, bitch. No, we keep our food here.” It turns out that’s not available to everybody. What was available to me was popping all the blood vessels in my left eye. So… Not only… was I super bloated, but then I had this weird, dead lizard eye. People thought I was an oracle. They were like… asking about their future. And I was like, “I’m just hungry. “I don’t know. I don’t know about your future.” So I… Even from just not drinking, I did, I lost like ten pounds. And this trainer acted like he taught Helen Keller how to read. He was like, “There she is. There’s my girl.” So I showed up to film this movie and I was like, “I think I’m a model now.” Like, ten– I was seriously– I think a lot of girls are like this. I– We have like a sneaking suspicion, like, in the back of our heads, like, “Am I maybe gorgeous?” “I think I’m gorgeous.” Right? I’m gorgeous, but I just haven’t stumbled on the right hairdo, you know? But one day, on a whim I’ll just, like, cut bangs and everybody will be like, “Damn!” And I’ll be like, “Oh, my God, like, treat me the same, you guys.” “I’m the same person under here.” And they’re like, “We can’t, we’re too hard,” and I’m like, “I get it.” But then… But then my stunt double was a guy. Um… I– I thought I was so cool that I had a stunt double. I was just like– I walked into set like, “Where is she?” and they were like, “That’s Troy.” And he was dipping and had a beard. I was like, “That’s me?” They were like, “That’s you!” Totally tried to have sex with him. Um… I’ll admit that to you fine people. I learned, and I should have already known this because I’ve been on the road doing stand up for 11 years, and– Thank you. Now I get to be here. And I– This is gonna make some of you gasp. I have never gotten laid after a show, okay? I know, but that is the truth. Male stand-ups– puss as far as the eye can see, okay? And female comics– it is not that way. What I’m saying is I’m not in this for the dick, okay? ‘Cause it– I mean, I would be if it had led to that, but that’s not what happens. The stunt guy, it’s not my fault I tried to fuck him. He was very hot. I’m hot as a guy, it turns out, and… He was from South Africa, and I’m just, like, such a sucker for an accent, you know? Like, an English guy or, like, a deaf guy? Mmm. Mmm! That was a test to see if you were bad people… which you are. Um… I do feel bad about that. My mom’s a speech and hearing therapist for the deaf, and she’s gonna hear that, but they won’t. So… Cheers, you guys, thanks for coming out. I know that, um, some of you are here by accident and I’m sorry. Uh… The Apollo is a beautiful theater with subscribers, so some of you thought you were seeing “Godspell” tonight, but… Like, I have no information. I have no… I don’t know what’s going on in the news, ever, like, at all. My friends do. They’re very smart and they’re up to date, and, like, I try to chime in. Like, they were all very upset about Ferguson, and I was like, “I know, I can’t believe he left the show. “Um… I don’t know about this new guy. What do you guys think?” And they were like… I kept telling people I was gonna do an ISIS bucket challenge. Like, I… I’m doing the UTI challenge right now. Can you… Thank you. Thank you. A UTI, in case you don’t know, it is not a college online. It is… a urinary tract infection, and, um, I just got my first UTI at 33. Woman: What?! Yes– I made it this far. I know, unbelievable, right? 33, first– And nobody tells you how embarrassing it’s gonna be ’cause no one’s like, “How’d you get it?” Like, you know how I got it. I had sex… and then I was too lazy to pee right after. I chose to lay there, like a cum dumpster, just… Just a receptacle. Was I savoring the moment? What was I doing? And I didn’t want to use condoms, ’cause I’m like, “What if I’m allergic?” Like, I don’t want to risk, you know? A UTI, it’s so embarrassing, and then everyone’s like, “Just drink cranberry juice,” and that doesn’t work at all. And if you order it, everybody knows what’s up. You’re, like, at a steakhouse… “Yeah, the fillet and, uh… Can I have a cranberry juice? Um…” The waitress is like, “You want a cranberry juice?” You’re like, “Yep, yep.” She’s like, “Why?” “‘Cause I love it.” “No, you’re disgusting.” I got it. I was sleeping with a guy who’s my friend. Having– Like, friends having sex, there’s a real sadness to that. Like, I don’t know if you’ve experienced it, when, like, two friends are like, “We could stomach fucking each other. We should try that.” Just, like, hurl your bodies at each other and… and you’re just, like, thinking about it the whole time, like, “Ugh, I can’t believe Luke’s eating my pussy right now, like…” “That’s fucking–” And Luke’s thinking, “I’m eating Schumer’s pussy right now?” Like, it’s bad. It’s all bad. It’s really sad. And then… And then, you know, and he was like, really worried about getting me pregnant. And I’m like, “I was born wearing the NuvaRing, like, I came out ringed up.” And, uh… And also, I’m like, “Guess what, Luke? “If I got pregnant with your baby, “I would ignore all red lights on the way to Planned Parenthood.” Just… It would look like “Snowpiercer” out my window, just… It’s always the guys you would never have a kid with that’s like. Like, “I’m not trying to get your seed, thank you. Thank you, though.” Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on in the news. I read about the, um, when the celebrities’ photos got hacked. I read that. Did you guys look at their beautiful little pussies? I’m the only one, really? I looked at every little pussy I could find. I wanted to see if they were, like, magical and, like, almond-sized. Not that mine isn’t. I mean, you guys, I didn’t know you’d be sitting this close. Like, it’s very small, right? It’s a– I have a tiny— It’s like a Barbie. You can’t even find the hole. You’re like, “Is there a hole?” Tiny. Even in a light days tampon, I walk around, like, “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow… Ooh! Mmm!” No, if I, like, sneeze, that would fall out of me. I, um… At the drugstore, I’m like, “Do you guys have any futons I could maybe borrow?” No. It’s normal. I think my pussy’s good. Like, people always come back, you know? I’ve got a good… good return rate. Like, I’d know by now if it was, like, jacked up. I, uh… I don’t know, though. I’ve never really looked at my pussy, like… but it got into my head. “Amy, what does your pussy look like?” Um, probably like the mouth of, like, an old lounge singer, there’s, like, a cigarette hanging out of it, just… She’s like doing the Charleston and scatting. She’s like… She calls everybody honey. Just– I’m guessing. I don’t know. It’s a guess. They’re all beautiful, they’re all equally beautiful, I believe, but… The reason I don’t know what my pussy looks like is because women never look at their vaginas. Like, men, you look down, you’re like, “Oh, there’s my dick.” Well, like, hopefully. Um… But, girls, you would need, like, a hand mirror and to do some, like, “Cirque du Soleil” type… Like, it’s hard to find. And then the only time you see it is if you get a bikini wax. And they wax you and then they show it to you, and there is no faster response time in the world. You’re just like, “Yep, that looks great!” “I see it. Yeah, that’s great.” It’s like identifying a body. You’re like, “That’s her! Yeah, definitely her. Thank you.” Right? I don’t know any girl that’s like… “Hmm… Maybe a little more off the top.” No one… No one does that. I got a massage recently. I hurt my neck doing something that’s my business and, um… I know, that’s supposed to sound like I was, like, giving a blowjob, but I was honestly opening a jar of salsa con queso. I was like… And, um… So that I could suck it off of a cab driver’s dick and, uh… Never. – Uber, yes. – Uber… But, um… That’s me in an Uber. Mmm… mmm. So, my neck hurt, and I looked at this website, and it had music and it looked like a nice spa, and I realized– realized a little late in the game that it was a rub and tug. Now, it is fully my fault. Like, all the signs were there. This is– It’s on me. I’m taking responsibility. Like, I had to be buzzed in. Um… I don’t know a spa that’s like, “Who’s there?” Like, they usually let you come and go at your “leis,” and, uh… There were gold bars on the windows. I was like, “Ooh, exclusive.” And, uh… I swear, I got in there and they were like, “Are you law enforcement?” And I was like, “No, but I have been working out more, thank you.” Uh… And then the girl who came to get me, she was leading the guy before me out by the small of his back, which is body language for, “That’s okay you came on my foot. That’s okay.” And, uh… And then she walked me back to the room like she was walking me through, like, a fun frat party. She like– she’s like, “Come on!” She’s like, “Woo!” And I’m like, “Okay.” And then we get in there and that’s when I knew, because it was just two– It was just a steel table, like– like you’d examine people on in “Lost…” and towels, like, hardened towels. You know the color. And… and there was no face cradle ’cause no one had ever laid facedown before. So, uh, I still laid facedown. I was like, “Fuck this, I am not finding out what they do to girls here.” So I just put my head over the edge. And I was really trying to keep things on the up-and-up. I’m like, “It’s just my neck, girl, like, just my neck.” And she’s all upper thigh. She’s like, “Is this your neck?” I’m like, “You know that’s not my neck.” And then I just kind of accept it into my heart. I was like, “Amy, you know you’re getting a thumb right in the butthole. “Just accept it. Embrace it. “This is God’s plan for you, Amy. “♪ Let it go ♪ ♪ Let it go ♪” And then, she didn’t do it and I was fucking furious. Just… What about my butthole? I, uh… I– I would have let her go down on me, I bet. Like… I would let anyone go down on me, actually. Um… you ever think about that? Like, sometimes I’ll see people on the street, I’m like, “How bad would it get before I said no?” Like, when would I… I see kinda, like, a hot, like, newly homeless dude. Like, I mean, week one, doesn’t even have a sign or a dog yet, you know, just, like… just got out there. “Yes,” I thought. “Yes, that’s fine.” Some family members… like a cousin. Like… Not like a cousin you grew up playing with, like just one that you see at funerals, like that kind of a distance. He could go down on me. Any girl, any girl. I mean, I could never go down on a girl, though. I couldn’t do it. If a pussy were ever in front of me and it was, like, go time, it would be like I was, like, trying to jump into Double Dutch. I would be like… “I can’t. You’re a beautiful girl. “I’m so sorry, I can’t. Thank you for braiding my hair.” Um… I’m, like, seriously winded from just, like, moving my body for two seconds. They’re like, “Oh, she’s gonna sweat again.” I, uh, before I left LA, I– my agent got me courtside seats to a Laker game. And I don’t care about basketball, or any sport, at all. But courtside, I thought it would be free booze, and it’s not, it turns out. I’m like, “Do you have to be, like, the point guard to get a merlot? This is horrible.” But I go to the game and I was like, “This is a fancy event. Like, I want to bring it, I want to look great,” you know? And I did. I put on, like, blush, and like… that’s it, but, like… Like, so much blush, you know? Like, a lot of blush and… I was really kind of feeling myself, you know? I just walk in and I’m like, “Here I am. Like, feast your eyes,” and then the first person I saw was literally Kate Upton. And I was like, “Oh, I get it. “I’m not a real woman, I’m just harvesting organs for one.” So if Kate was ever like, “My liver feels weird,” I’d be like, “Well, here,” and then, like, bleed out. And she’d be like, “Do you have anything smaller?” And, uh… I don’t know why my, like, liver’s flopping around her hand. So I see Kate Upton and I knew, I knew she wanted to talk to me because beautiful girls love funny girls. They think we’re like clowns, you know? Like, I just knew. She’s gonna, like, poke me. Like, “Do your clown thing.” And I’m like, “I don’t want to.” But… And funny girls do not want anything to do with beautiful girls. And you guys are like, “Amy, but you’re both.” Oh, my God, thank you guys for all thinking that. All of you, every one of you, every single one of you, and all my ex-boyfriends. Oh, my God. Like, you can have it all. Um… I don’t like talking to really hot people. I’m very grossed out being around someone gorgeous. But my friend talked to her and he was like, “She was actually really funny,” and I was like, “Fuck you.” No way. There’s no way. We just have such low expectations for hot– for hot people to be anything. I’m like, “You were probably blown away she wasn’t just sitting there playing with her tits and drooling Like… I’m like, “What did she say that was so funny?” And he was like, “Well, we were talking “about playing pool later and she was like, ‘Get ready to lose.'” I was like, “Oh, when’s her hour special coming out on HBO? What a great…” Fuck you. Wouldn’t that have gone so different if it were like just a normal-looking girl? She’s like, “Get ready to lose.” They would have been like, “Did you hear that cunt? Like, what a fucking…” But instead they were like, “Oh, my God, you should be Seinfeld.” Um… Ugh. Attractive people have their own weird rules. They have hot people contests. Did you ever see a beauty pageant? Has anybody? Okay, here. I saw “Miss USA” this year. Here’s what happens, okay? These very tan… very hungry… cadavers… they walk back and forth… across the stage like they’re haunting it. Just… You’re like, “We see you.” They’re like, “No, you don’t.” And they make them wear a sash so they can remember where they’re from. And these girls, it’s the weirdest thing. Different outfits all night. Just… And they’re so nervous. And you’re like, “Why are they so nervous? Like, they’re just walking.” “Oh, this outfit. What is it?” But it’s because at the end of the night, they make them do this thing, it’s so fucked up. They dim the lights, and they change the music, and they make these poor girls answer one question. Just one. They’re just like– The hosts are very patient with them. They’re like, “Okay, look, ladies, “you knew this was coming. You’re gonna have to form a sentence.” And they can’t believe they have to– They’re all holding each other and weeping. Like, “No! Words!” And they can’t do it. And you know they’ve been coached. Like, just say “education” and get the fuck out of there. And they can’t. They can’t do it. The one who wins, the one they crown the winner is just the one that doesn’t, like, blurt out the N-word. They’re like, “You did it!” She’s like, “I did it! But I was thinking it!” They’re like, “Shh!” Like, “Oh! I wanna thank Michigan and…” It’s insane. They all answer like that one person on “Family Feud” that just blows it, you know? I love “Family Feud,” first of all. Isn’t it the best? Everyone’s in the same shirt and they’re just like, “We’re the White family!” “And we’re the Black family!” And then… And then there’s always one person. It’s like a softball question, too. It’s like, “Favorite place to see a movie.” “Microwave!” And the family is like, “Good answer. Good answer.” But you know they’re thinking, “You’re not gonna be buried with the rest of us, okay?” I want them to do a “Where Are They Now?” with people who blew it on “Family Feud.” Like… just, like, ten years later. Forget about the plane ride home, which you know is horrible. It’s like Thanksgiving ten years from then and he’s like, “Can somebody pass the mashed potatoes?” They’re like, “Why don’t you look “in the microwave, Terry? You fucking idiot! Watch a movie while you’re in there!” So anyway, I’m at this Laker game and, uh… Actually, I, um, I didn’t see “Miss America,” but I heard that the girl, like, had a really good response. They asked her, like, “How would you solve ISIS?” And, yeah, she had a good answer, but, like, why are you asking her that? Like, in the middle of her– Like they’re just gonna, like, chopper her to the Pentagon and be like… Obama’s gonna be like, “We like what we heard back there, we want to hear more.” Like, why? The whole reason I got tickets to the game, um, he gave me these seats because he thought I was mad at him for sexually harassing me… which I wasn’t. Like, I’m 33. I really appreciate that shit right now. I just… You know, when you’re in your 20s, if you walk past a construction site and they’re like, “Yeah,” you’re like, “How dare you! My secret bits!” But… In your 30s, you walk past and you’re like, “What about this, huh?” My skirt’s, like, over my head. I’m like… “Aah!” They’re like, “We’re eating.” I’m like… “Aah!” That shit changes. It does. Who here is in their 40s? What about 30s? 20s? Do you hear that hope? Remember? Do you remember 20s hope? Do you? I kinda do. You know, you just walk around like, “Everything’s gonna work out. Everybody’s always gonna want to fuck me!” And then you’re like, “Oh, cool. Cellulite on my hands and feet.” Um… In your 20s, you’re so corrupt with power, especially if you’re in love in your 20s. Remember 20s love? You’re just so arrogant. You’re like, “We’re so lucky we found each other. What are all these sad songs about?” I think of 20s love the same as the tsunami, because I read that in the tsunami, the tide was way in, so, fish were flopping around the shore and people were, like, psyched. They were gathering them with baskets. Like, “I can’t believe my luck. Look at all these fish!” That’s, like, 20s love. You’re like, “For me and me!” And then you’re like, “Oh, fuck!” And it murders you. But yeah. But enjoy it. Um… Enjoy it. That’s why I’m so annoyed I’m single again. That means I’m gonna have to go out with a new dude and he’ll– We’ll go to the movies and he’ll be like, “Do you want to get a popcorn?” and I’ll be like, “Oh, my God, “I hadn’t even thought about it. “Um… that’s not the whole reason I wanted to come see this piece of shit movie.” I’ve left so many movies right after the previews ’cause I finished my popcorn. And then he’s like, “What size do you want?” and I’m like… “Small, look at me.” Meanwhile, a small popcorn, like, that’s like taking one Advil. Like, get the fuck out of here. It’s like taking six Xanax. Like, why are you wasting my time? Small popcorn. And then the cashier is like, “For $15, you can get one more handful,” and I’m like, “That sounds like a great deal. We’ll take it.” You sit in there and you’re supposed to act like you’re not thinking about the popcorn and you’re just watching the movie, like, “Oh, I forgot that we even had popcorn.” But really, I just want to, like, push his eyes in with my thumbs… and just dump the popcorn all over my face and head and just run out screaming, “You would have found out anyway, motherfucker!” So I’m single. Um… I know, you guys are all thinking, like, “Amy, this is all great, but how do we date you?” Um, you can’t. And not just ’cause I’m not totally out of the woods with this UTI, but also… I am not on any dating sites. Like, the only app I have on my phone like that is Foodspotting, which is like Tinder but for food. So, it lets you know about foods in your area. Uh… Like the other day I was, like, eyeing up, like, this one scone and it was under a mile away, I was like, “Is this a coincidence? Like, I don’t–” It’s like, “Yes.” And then, uh… I’m like, “Should I go?” and my friends are like, “Go! Like, go! See!” and I’m like, “Okay.” So I went and I kind of, like, sidled up to the scone and it’s like, “Oh, my God, you look just like your picture. Do you want to come home with me?” Um… And I was, like, I was hungry, so I was putting a little butter on saltines… but then I kinda took a look at myself. I’m like, “Hold on, Amy. “Like, you’re not Martha Stewart, “just put the butter and the cracker in your mouth and they’ll find each other in there.” Who am I? I’m like the “Barefoot Contestant” or whatever. I’m like, “Uh!” Dirtying a knife. So, I was dating someone for a little bit this year. I was dating an infectious disease doctor ’cause two birds. And… What do you want? And he wound up being a, like, an insane alcoholic and that’s my thing. Uh… I feel like in most relationships, there’s, like, one alcoholic, and then, like, one person who’s sad about it, and I wanted to be, like, the fun one. So, I called my mom, um, because nothing makes her happier than me being alone, and she’s like, “Oh, my God, will I be seeing you more?” Um… and I’m like, “Yes, Mom,” and she starts giving me advice. She’s like, “Am, you need to love like you’ve never been hurt,” and I’m like, “Are you reading off of a bumper sticker right now?” Like… she’s like, “Dance like no one’s watching.” Like, dance like a couple of people are watching. Right? Even if you’re alone, maybe hold it together. Cross the street like no cars– What? I was thinking about this last night and I was having a little, um, wine and… weed and an Ambien, um… or as I call it, tucking myself in. Um… Good night, moon. And… I… I am a good person. I swear to you. Like, I’m very old-school. I think the guy should always pay on the first date for sex and… I’m a romantic. I’m labeled a sex comic. Like, that’s in interviews. People are always like, “So you– you talk about sex,” and I’m like… I think it’s just ’cause I’m a girl. I feel like a guy could get up here and literally pull his dick out and everybody would be like, “He’s a thinker.” But… Right? It’s true. But then I mention one UTI and everyone just thinks I walk around leaving, like, a snail trail of cum, I’m just like… And they’re like, “Oh, Amy’s been here.” Cum is unsettling, isn’t it? I don’t say that to shock you or– or get your attention– Like, “Oh, no she didn’t.” Like, I’m just reminding you that we’re all disgusting. No one in here is better than anyone else. Like, you’ve all caught a hot load, you know? Like, if that provides you with discomfort, you’re just looking at it the wrong way. We need to be nicer about cum. We really do. Cum gives us life, you know? Gandhi was cum. Oprah– cum. Oprah could have wound up all over somebody’s tits, but no… we got Oprah. Thank you, cum. And yes, it is sticky and gross and no one ever wants it in their mouth ever, ever, ever, but… we need to change how we’re thinking about it. It’s not a wonderfully regal moment as a woman when you take a load. Um… when someone cums in you, you’re not like, “We can do it. I’m glad I leaned in.” It’s not– But it’s a fact of life. All the greatest women have dealt with it, okay? Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Diane Sawyer. Michelle Obama, who I love, like the rest of us, probably once a week has to carefully walk to the bathroom. Just squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish. It’s the White House. It’s probably a long hallway. Squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish. And with her perfect arms, she has to deal with it. Just… “This is more than normal. I wonder what’s…” Barack’s like, “Get out here. I want to talk about those e-mails.” She’s like, “I’m cleaning out your troops right now.” Yeah, I am labeled a sex comic and… I just think that sex is explained incorrectly as far as men and women’s roles go. It’s like, we’re all told over and over again, men love sex and women just deal with it, right? Like, every article, every sitcom, it’s always the guy getting home from work like, “Honey, how about tonight, huh?” And she’s always like, “Blah! You know I hate your dick. Laundry, laundry.” It’s insane. I don’t know any girls like that. Every girl I know likes having sex. I love having sex. Not a weird amount, but like a normal person. All of my friend– I mean, one of them doesn’t, but we think something, like, happened to her. But… but you’re made to feel really disgusting and weird if you’re a girl who likes to have sex. Like, I’ve dated some guy– I would say 50% in the relationships, I initiate the sex, and then 50% we don’t have it. Um… No, but I’ve been in relationships where it’s always the dude, like and then you, like, later realize he was a sex addict, which– Have you ever dated a sex addict? It’s so fun at first when you don’t know. You’re like, “Am I the hottest piece of ass in the world?” And then you’re like, “Oh, no, he would fuck a mailbox.” Um… Which is why I’m dressed like this. Uh… but… And then, you know, I’ve dated guys where I always have to initiate and that’s embarrassing. It’s because I used to fuck really dumb guys and I miss that so very, very much. Dumb guys really pound you… ’cause they’re dumb. I love men, though. I really do. I was on the subway the other day and I heard these two guys having this conversation. So there’s two of them. They’re standing on the subway and they’re like… He’s like, “Dude, you gotta go to this bar. They give you chips as soon as you sit down.” And the other guy goes, “Yeah, but they don’t refill ’em, right?” He’s like, “They refill ’em the whole time. He goes, “Sick!” And then they were quiet for, like, ten stops. Just kinda like… just, like, basking in the great exchange. I just– I just loved them, you know? I just looked at them like, “I want that. Why can’t that be me?” ‘Cause you know, if it had been two girls, I would have been looking, thinking, “That’s so cool that these two special needs women… found each other, you know?” If it had been me and a girlfriend and I was like, “They give you chips. They give you–” You’d be like, “Oh, my God, where’s their stop? Like, don’t they have an attendant?” You’d be worried. But I like creative types. I fucked up. I got to an age, I want to be able to have a conversation with someone, like an idiot, and the creative types, they’re all… ugh, like, comics and artists. They all– You have to treat their dick like a soufflé in the oven. You can’t make a big motion or loud noise near it or it’ll fall and you have to start over with a good attitude. Is that how you jerk someone off? Am I doing it? It’s crazy. Like, we– It’s crazy that we get– we get guilted about this. Like, women wanna cum. Of course we wanna cum. What girls are having sex like, “Oh, no, I’m just– I’m just honored to be “witnessing your process. I– It’s just so cool “to be a part of– No, I don’t want to feel “the one good thing we’re allowed as humans. No, I– This is just you. Please, anywhere.” Um… Make your girls cum, guys. It’s just explained incorrectly. It’s just… I remember as a very young girl, too young, it was broken down for me. It was like, “Be careful, Amy. “Men only want one thing. They are all gonna try and fuck you!” I was like, “Okay.” And then I waited. “Let’s see. Am I on the wrong street? Are they…” I do like talking about sex. I like hearing about it more. Like, I love hearing sex acts, you know? There’s, like, terms for all those– all that stuff. Like, there’s a… the donkey punch, you know, or, like, the dirty Sanchez. These are the ones– the classics that we all grew up with, right? Those are, like, the “To Kill a Mockingbird” of sex terms. But there are so many that you’ve never heard of. I love hearing new ones. There’s, like… there’s the dirty Rochester… Did you ever hear of that? Okay, that is where the guy shits on your chest while he’s on a business trip to Rochester. Is that maybe not really a thing and I was perhaps lied to? I love– There– there’s the dolphin. That’s where the guy tries to put it in the girl’s butt and she goes, “Ehh-ehh, ehh-ehh.” That’s, like, a fun family one. There’s… the Alaskan pipeline, which, um… a guy shits in a condom, freezes it… and then you know what? I won’t say the end of it ’cause it doesn’t end, like, in a super romantic, like, “Notebook-y” type way. She doesn’t like, pull it out and find a ring on it and say, like, “Yes!” There’s no good one for the girl. There’s no, like, wacky Shirley where she sits on his face and reads her tweets, like, there’s nothing. We have nothing. Does anyone know one that’s good for the girl? Anybody? No, right? I asked that– I asked that in the first show and somebody said the minivan. Two in the front, five in the back, and… I don’t even know what he was referring to, actually. Do you guys know any? I love hearing new ones. Does anybody have– Huh? Man: The angry dragon. The angry dragon? What is that? Um, basically, when you’re– When a girl is sucking your dick– When a girl is sucking your dick– Oh, my– Wait, I love how your girlfriend looks right now. She’s like, “Please…” You’re his mom? Oh, my God! This is totally your fault, Mom! This beautiful boy you raised. Well, let’s hear the story of how you were born. Go ahead. Angry dragon. All right. Uh, basically when you’re about to climax, when you’re getting a blowjob, you push her head– When you’re about to climax, you push her head… You push her head at the back of her– I like that he’s acting it out. Like, he’s like, “This is what it looks like! Yes!” …and the jizz goes up through the nose. Up through the nose. What’s your name? What is it? George? Jordan. Jordan, I think you’re grounded. I love you, Mom. Thank you for bringing him. For raising him into the perfect gentleman. There’s none that are good for the girl. There’s one called the raccoon where you just punch her in both eyes and knock over her trash. Like, they’re not… That doesn’t even make sense. There’s the Abraham Lincoln. That’s where he– the guy trims his pubes, – cums on the girl’s face, and then… – throws the pubes… so she has that facial hair. You guys don’t like US history? I can’t gauge the crowd. What’s wrong? The worst one I’ve ever heard is the Houdini, which is where the guy’s having sex with the girl from behind, then unbeknownst to her, his friend subs in for him. Guy number one runs outside, knocks on the window, waves to the girl… which is just rape. Like, that’s just rape. It’s not fair to Houdini. Like, no girl is gonna think that’s hilarious. No girl’s gonna be like, “What? “Ahh! “Baby, I thought you were fucking me, but it’s Phil! I love you!” Thank you so much, Apollo! Muah! ♪ Yo ♪ ♪ Man ♪ ♪ Man, uh ♪ ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ Young Amy: ♪ Let me entertain you ♪ ♪ Let me do a few tricks ♪ ♪ Some old and then some new tricks ♪ ♪ I’m very versatile ♪ Man: Mm-hmm. ♪ And if you’re real good ♪ ♪ I’ll make you feel good ♪ ♪ I want your spirits to climb ♪ ♪ So let me entertain you ♪ ♪ And we’ll have a real good time, oh boy ♪ ♪ And we’ll have a real good time ♪ Woman: So easy!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jim Jefferies: Alcoholocaust (2010) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-alcoholocaust-2010-full-transcript/

[Horn honks] [Indistinct conversations] [scattered cheers and applause] [Rock music plays] fuck. [Speaking indistinctly] [laughs] ladies and gentlemen, this [Laughs] is your cue to start clapping, start cheering, start whooping, and welcome to the stage Jim Jefferies! [Cheers and applause] Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming to my show, “Alcoholocaust.” [Laughing] Fucking look at this big theater, man. I appreciate you coming out. People who are watching this at home might know that this is a fucking Monday night, so I appreciate how many people have come. I realize that in this economy, tickets for things such as comedy shows aren’t that cheap for men. For women, same price they’ve always fucking been, aren’t they? Women don’t pay for things like this. There’s women in this room have no fucking idea how much the ticket for this show cost. No fucking idea! Your husband came home, said, “remember, we’re seeing Jim Jefferies,” you said, “who?” And now you’re fucking here. Women don’t pay. Basically, women are a bunch of cunts. To summarize, women are cunts. See, and I don’t know if women even know that drinks cost money, you know? Ugly chicks know. If you know that drinks cost money, you’re a fucking ugly bitch, but otherwise, you’re a good-looking girl. Good luck to you. See, my birthday’s on Valentine’s Day, so even on my fucking birthday I’m buying some bitch dinner. If I meet a nice girl and I’m in a restaurant and the check comes and I put the credit card down — And she’s a nice girl — She’ll do the purse grab. And if I go, “no, no, no, it’s okay,” she’s very quick to give up on that argument. Other arguments, she can keep going for fucking years, but that one she’s ever so gracious about. This is why I think I’d like to be gay. I think gay would be a good move for me. I wouldn’t enjoy the sex. I’d have to get through the sex. I would have a cock in my mouth, with tears streaming down my face. And as the jizz hit the back of my throat, I’d be thinking of my happy place, but it’d be worthwhile just so I could split the occasional bill. [Cheers and applause] That’s why gay guys are happy, and that’s why lesbians are fucking miserable. Lesbians are fucking miserable people ’cause they have to hang out with women all day. It must be fucking horrible. They must just be sitting there at dinner, going, “I’m not gonna pay for this bitch. I’ve just worn my best plaid shirt and shaved my head. She better treat me like a princess.” Now, if there’s any lesbians in the room — And I assume there’s not, because laughter’s not your thing — But if there is, I’d like to apologize for that last joke. But if you hate men so much, stop trying to look like them. You never see a jew dressed as a Nazi. [Cheers and applause] See, I did that joke in America. I said lesbians have no sense of humor and they’re not fun or whatever. And these two lesbians stood up and stormed out of the room as if to prove my point. They’re just not fun people. Gay guys are fun. I don’t care how homophobic you are. If you’re holding a dinner party and a gay guy shows up, you get a little bit excited, don’t you? You’re like, “oh, fucking a gay guy. Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh? We got a live one.” Right? But if you’re holding a dinner party and a lesbian shows up, you’re just like, “aw, fuck me. All I wanted to do was relax and play Pictionary. She’s drawing something political.” [Chuckles] you can’t even point lesbians out, and they’re so fucking obvious. They’re so obvi– But you can’t point them out. If you saw, like, fucking — If I see like two lesbians in the audience and go, “excuse me, are you lesbians?” They’ll be like, “what? What the fuck? What? What do you mean by that?” Right? But if I see two gay guys in the audience and go, “excuse me — Are you gay guys?” They’ll go [singsong voice] “guilty!” [Normal voice] ’cause gay guys fucking love being gay. The word “gay” comes from “happy.” They like fucking men in the ass so much, they’ve called it “happy.” I-I have been a heterosexual my whole life. I would not call the experience “happy.” I would call it a struggle, at best. I’ll tell you another reason why it must be awesome to be a gay guy. It must be wonderful to be in a relationship where, if you’re partner’s being a dickhead, you can punch him in the head. Hasn’t that got to give your relationship a whole new dimension? I can’t tell you the amount of arguments I’ve had with women that could have been sorted out quicker with a punch. And while we’re on the subject of domestic violence — It’s a horrible thing. Of course it is, and… now, you ever met a woman who’s, like, been married like four times and she’s like, “I guess I just choose the wrong type of men”? “I’ve been married four times, and all my husbands beat me.” And you’re like, “all of them? All four? One, two, three, fucking four? They all beat you? Someone doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up, now, do they?” ‘Cause I’m a tolerant man. I’ll give anyone three, but four? You’re a fucking button-pusher. Come on. That’s a nice, cheery way to That’s a nice, cheery way to start the show. That’s a nice, cheery way to I do a lot of gigs — Well, not a lot — I do some gigs out in Iraq and Afghanistan and stuff like that, which, if I was in an American crowd right now, they’d go, “whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!” But I’m not, so I can be honest But I’m not, so I can be honest with you. But I’m not, so I can be honest I do it for money. Um, the first time — Um, the first time — Over there it’s like I’m king. Um, the first time — The first time I go do a gig in Iraq, they fly me and my manager in a passenger plane into Kuwait. Now, it turns out that Kuwait is a regular country that anyone can visit. Then a military truck gets me and my manager and drives us over the border into Iraq and drops us off. And we’re standing in the middle of the desert of a war-Torn country. We can’t see anything on the horizon. And I turn to my manager and go, “good booking, fuckface.” And then this helicopter comes in over the horizon and lands in front of us, and the blades are still going. And this soldier runs off and goes, “excuse me! Are you Jim Jefferies?” And I went, “what other white cunt were you looking for in the desert at this exact location?” Then he hands me my bulletproof vest and my helmet. He’s obviously wearing his bulletproof vest and his helmet. His are camouflaged. Mine? Fucking blue. And I said, “why do I have a blue vest and helmet?” He said, “that’s so the enemy know you’re a civilian.” I’m like, “does the enemy give a shit? That’s my main concern, because I’ve never been a sniper.” But every time I got off the helicopter, I was surrounded by soldiers protecting me. If I was a sniper, I’d be like, “the cunt in blue looks important.” Right? So…we got in this helicopter. [Laughs] and we’re sitting in this chopper. That’s what we call them in the biz — “Chopper.” And I got two soldiers sitting next to me there, my manager, Brett, sitting there. He’s got two soldiers sitting next to him. There’s two soldiers in the cockpit. There’s a great big door open next to me there, and there’s another door open there, and at that door is a soldier with a great big gun on a hinge, with bullets coming out of it like that thing that Chewbacca wears. And we take off, and off we go to Baghdad. And as we hit the border of the city, I hear a great big “bang!” And these two small flares shoot out from the small wings of the helicopter, followed by a trail of smoke. And the helicopter goes, “fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!” Now, the reason they do this is, when they get over the danger area, if there’s a heat-Seeking missile, it’ll be distracted by the flares, and then the helicopter will fly out of range — Very clever. Now… they never told me this was happening. As far as I’m concerned, the wings have just exploded and we’re now plummeting to our death, but it’s nice to know how you react under pressure, because I reacted thusly — By vomiting over my lovely blue vest, ironically making it more camouflage than it was before, and yelling out, “we’re going down!” The two pilots, the sergeants, the gunner — They all start pissing themselves, laughing. They’re reaching through. They’re high-Fiving each other. They’re tearing it down. They’ve been waiting for this joke for months. I’m cleaning vomit off myself, going, “oh, you, that was a good one. Thank you for defending my freedom.” freedom.” Right? Freedom.” So, I sit back down, covered in vomit in the helicopter — “Ugh.” And so I’m trying to look out the door to try to un-Quease myself. And I’m looking out over the ground, over Baghdad — By the way, Baghdad, beautiful city, untouched — And I look out on the ground, and I see a little Arab fellow with a handgun shooting up at the helicopter, just — [Imitates gunshots] once again, I freak out. “We’re being fired on!” The gunner now is laughing so fucking hard. He’s laughing even harder than he was before. He’s laughing so hard, he’s The gun’s just dangling out in the hinge. And I’m like, “what’s your fucking problem, man?” And he’s like, “Jim, you’re gonna have to calm down, mate. We’re in a military helicopter with a bulletproof bottom. That’s a handgun. can’t even reach us. We’re so high up, the bullets They just sort of go — [Whistles]” and then I jokingly said, “[chuckles] I bet our bullets can reach him.” And he went, “oh, yeah.” [Imitates gunfire] And the little cunt died. And — And I was like, “[sighs] I was just saying, mate. I was just saying. I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s day.” [Laughs] isn’t that a fun story about a man dying? It’s funny, though. My limited time in a war zone, I really, you know, didn’t see what all the bad stuff was. They were very nice to me. But this was kind of crazy to me ’cause I don’t know, historically, how we’re gonna talk about it. See, like, my grandfather — He fought during the Second World War, for the Japs, weirdly enough. No, no, for the Australians. He killed a lot of Japanese — Hated them till he died. “Love the food, hate the people,” he used to say. What a complex man. And… I used to love listening — When I was a kid, listening to him tell stories about killing Nazis. There was always something exciting about it, you know? I just don’t know what I would tell my grandson about what’s happening in history now. I imagine I’ll be 80 years old, I’ll be sitting in my chair, and my grandson will be on the floor, looking up at me adoringly. And I’ll go, “now, there used to be these people called Arabs. And they lived in the middle east, or, as you call it, the radiation zone. In 2020, president Macaulay Culkin got really upset with the Arabs, and he nuked them all. But what Macaulay Culkin and the rest of the Americans hadn’t realized was that china had slowly but surely become the superpower of the world. So, while the Americans were nuking the Arabs, the Chinese nuked the Americans, and that’s why we have no Americans and no Arabs.” And then my grandson will look up at me and go… “mashaba awa.” [Applause] [laughs] You know what I like about that joke? It has the feel of racism, but you can’t pick the exact moment. Like, you know it is. It’s definitely racist. So, let’s change the subject quickly. How do blind people wipe their asses? I know you’re thinking, “the same as us,” but you’re not thinking outside the box, ’cause wiping your ass is a very visual activity. No one’s ever just leant up, wiped, then dropped into the bowl. You wipe. You check. I’m gonna wipe again. There’s still a lot of poo. It feels dry, but there’s still poo. I think I left one up there.” I bet that’s where the dog comes in handy. [Audience groans] ohh! No! No, don’t — I’m not saying the dog licks the blind person’s ass! I’m saying these are very intelligent dogs. They would have worked out some form of barking system. So, the blind guy would have the dog, like, sit in front of him. “Woof woof woof.” “Woof woof.” “Woof.” And they’d probably work out some special morse code-Y bark for when there’s blood in the poo. No, ’cause they’ve already been through a rough time. They’re blind. No need for ass cancer. Not that blood always means I suffer from hemorrhoids, have done since I was 22 years old. And it’s a very young age to get hemorrhoids, but there’s a lot of blood involved. If you’ve never had one, there’s a lot of blood involved in a bad hemorrhoid. I’ve had toilet bowls that look like abortions. Now, I’m not — It’s not good. 22 and you get one, your brain And the first time, when you’re goes to ass cancer. You’re like, “oh, I got ass cancer,” because no one ever told you about hemorrhoids when you’re young. Your dad never sits you down and goes, “when you get a bit older, you’ll be pushing a poo a little bit hard, and a small portion of your asshole will fall out. Now, it’s nothing to be alarmed about. It’s just part of becoming a [chuckling] man.” So, the first time I got a hemorrhoid, I didn’t tell anyone ’cause I thought I was dying, obviously. And I go to see my doctor, the same doctor that I’ve had my whole life, and he makes me — I go, “I got ass cancer.” And he makes me bend over a chair. And then he gets a rubber glove on, and he sort of prods around my ass a little bit. And he goes, “oh, you’ve just got hemorrhoids there.” And I said, “I thought that only happens to old people and pregnant women.” And he went, “and you.” So, I live in America now, and I — [Cheers and applause] [chuckles] people get so entertained by that, but where else am I gonna put them? We’ll put that away for continuity, in case they cut the jokes up differently. There we go. That’s a bit of a — ‘Cause I know there’s people that are sitting at home, going, “[laughs] that beer went like that, then it it went like that, Fucking nerds. So, I live in America, and it fucking blows my mind I live in America now, man. I — Coming from Australia and everything, I never thought I’d sort of go this far with my career or anything. And I find myself — Now I’m out there auditioning for major movies and shit, man. And I still feel retarded every time I go in there. Now, the first time I went for an audition, I’d been in L.A. For like a couple days. And my agency sent me to this audition and I went along and I met this girl in the corridor called Carla. And I was really nervous, and she could tell I was nervous. And she sort of calmed me down and we had a little bit of a chat and she was really cute, and we flirted together and stuff. And then I went and read the little bit, and then I went home. And then I got a call later on that afternoon, going, “they loved you. You’re gonna come back for a callback.” So I’m like, “excellent. That’s good. So, I go back for the callback, and when you do callbacks, often they have you reading with another person. So, I’m in the room, reading with this girl, and it’s the same girl from the corridor. It’s Carla, right? And we’re sort of flirting, going, “hey, from the thing before — Ahh.” And so we’re reading. We have great on-Screen stuff. Then after the audition, I said, “Carla, do you have any taxicab numbers? I got to get to my next audition.” She said, “where are you trying to get to?” And I went, “Santa Monica.” And she said, “that’s where I’m going. I’ll give you a lift.” Now, please note at this stage of the story I didn’t ask for the lift. We go down to the car. She gets in. She unwinds my window. She looks out and goes, “Jim, what’s your full name?” And I went, “Jim Jefferies.” And she went, “wait there.” Then she called her mom up and said, “hi, mom. It’s Carla.” I just met a very nice boy at the audition today, and I’m going to give him a lift. But in case I get raped or murdered, his name’s Jim Jefferies. So if you don’t hear from me in an hour, assume something bad has happened and call the cops. Get it, Jim!” So I get in. We got like a 15-Mile drive. I say fucking nothing for the first 5 miles. I just look forward. And eventually I turn to her and go, “you’ve just made this rape really awkward.” She fucking freaks out! She slams her foot on the brakes. She skids off the highway. She starts slapping at me. I’m grabbing her wrists. Now I feel kind of rapey, and I didn’t want to. And it’s like, “you offered the lift! I didn’t ask for the fucking lift! You seem more concerned in solving this crime than preventing it.” So, I raped her to teach her a lesson, ’cause… [applause] … how else would she learn? […] We’re trying to sell this show to the Americans. I don’t like our chances. So, let’s do something we can all enjoy. Sometimes when I’m fucking a chick, I go to fuck them again in the morning, and they’ll say something like this — “No. When we fucked last night, it was a little bit dry, and now I’m sore.” Now, to any woman who’s said something similar to this, may I say, “your problem. My job was to get an erection. Your job was to get your hole wet. Didn’t you get your hole wet? We both had things to do”? See… if I don’t get an erection during sex, I’m called impotent. But a dry hole is the same as a flaccid penis. A dry hole is an impotent hole and you’re not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself. [Cheers and applause] But women don’t take responsibility for the dry hole. If I go to fuck a chick tonight and I get too drunk, which I will — And I go to fuck a chick and I don’t get an erection, she’ll go back to her friends and go, “oh, I went to fuck that He couldn’t get an erection.” But if I go to fuck a chick and she doesn’t get wet, she’ll go back to her friends and go, “I fucked Jim Jefferies. He didn’t even get me wet.” Do you see the problem there? I’m in charge of everything. It’s like — I used to fuck this chick for a while. I start fucking her, and she sent me a text — Well, you know, I just stopped calling her, you know, just ignored her. And she sent me a text message a month later that went, “oh, by the way, you never made me come.” And I was like, “pfft, really? You think you’re the one who makes me come? Do you want to know who makes me come? I make me come! All the horrible thoughts I have in my fucking head makes me come! You have very little to do with it. You’re just the container I shoot it into.” [Applause] But let’s go back to the dry cunt. There are women in the room who are thinking, “maybe I wouldn’t be dry if there was a bit of foreplay.” Let’s explain foreplay. Foreplay is what we do to each other to get each other ready for sex. If I have an erection, that means I’m ready for sex and I’m all foreplayed out. Now, the foreplay that’s necessary for a woman goes like this — You got to start by kissing them. Women love kissing. Men don’t give a shit about kissing. We kiss you because we like you and — Let’s be honest — We spoil you. Men don’t give a fuck about used to like kissing when we were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. And then, “what’s this kissing thing? Why am I kissing this person? Why would I ride on the swings? I’ve already been to Disneyland.” But we kiss you ’cause we like you and we’re a charitable bunch. Then you start kissing down the neck. Now, the whole time you’re doing this, you’re working downwards, towards the cunt. Now, you know you’re going to the cunt, she knows you’re going to the cunt, everybody knows… you’re going to the cunt. But for some unbeknown reason, you have to act like you’re not going to the cunt and that you’re enjoying the journey of this creature. Women — You got to give them a journey. Men don’t give a shit about a journey. If a man’s driving from point “a” to point “b,” we fill the tank, we get on the motorway, we make good time, right? With women, you got to give them a fucking journey. You got to take them by the water or antiquing or some shit. See, the thing is women read so many magazines about how to send your man wild and how to titillate your man and all these 25 steps to do all the — It’s a lot of fucking bullshit. Oh, “get a feather.” “Involve food in the relationship.” This is all bullshit. “Play with his nipples.” These things are fucking dead! They’re dead to me! These mean nothing! You could cut these off and donate them to some poor African child without nipples! I wouldn’t give a fuck. This is what we want you to do — Fucking suck our cock and cup our balls. And when you’re sucking our cock, look like you’re in a bit of pain because we enjoy it if you look uncomfortable. Anyway, but back to the lady — You keep kissing down. Now you’re at the tits. Now, tits are a mixed bag. Some tits you got to be firm with. Some tits you got to be soft with. Some tits, you can bite the nipple. Some tits, don’t even go near the nipple. Tits are like golf — You play the course you’re on. Then… you keep kissing down. Now you’re at the cunt. But even when you get to the cunt, you have to act like you’re not at the cunt. You have to act like you’ve stumbled upon the cunt by accident. So, you’ll be kissing, like, a dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and the cunt’s there. And you have to sort of almost, “oh, hello! I was visiting dimple-Y thigh. I forgot you lived down here. No, always a pleasure, never a chore. Do you mind if I pop in?” Then you lick the whole general cunt area. Then there’s a bit at the top of the cunt — If you lick that, they seem to enjoy it. This all takes between 10 and 40 minutes. And she might be wet. And that’s the foreplay that’s necessary for a woman. Now the foreplay that’s necessary for a man — We just need to see you naked. Maybe you need kisses, caresses, compliments, and licks, when all we need is you. Maybe we take our relationships seriously. Wasn’t that a romantic joke? Alright, we need to keep moving the show ’cause I need to have a piss now, because I’ve been drinking too much. I always get nervous before things like thisI got hammered in the dress room. This show is called “Alcoholocaust” because I’m planning — to me it means the death of alcohol — ’cause I’m planning to stop drinking after this Edinburgh festival. I’m not — you know, I’m not promising anything but I like to — this is might be the last DVD I record while I’m drunk, so the next DVD is gonna suck balls. The thing is, I called this show “Alcoholocaust” and now, because I live in America, some Jewish people have gotten offended by it. And I’m like, not like just a funny word — I tell you what though, I did a gig in Poland and I went out to Auschwitz and I went out there and a part from the concentration camp in the corner — the rest is delightful. It’s a beautiful little village. I bet the tourism board needs to get together and go: the “okay we have a bit of a bad rep does anyone got any ideas? Haans give it to me. Yeah, that’s true, we have the second biggest tower of shoes in the world — I don’t know — I don’t know if that’s a keeper — but write it down.” Johan, even though that’s a Scandinavian name, huh, huh, huh huh — pizza festival you say — as we can cook hundreds of pizzas at once. This bit won’t be in the DVD! It’s a funny joke though. I like living in Britain because my obvious alcohol problem isn’t a problem here. Before I came on stage here, my manager, the last thing he said to me was “do you need another drink?” That would never happen in America. When I recorded my special in America they employed someone to stand by the bar, to make sure I didn’t get wasted. ‘Cause Americans they don’t really drink like you people drink. Like, they think they do, but they are very into, like drinking games. Whenever I’m drinking in America college boy who comes “Hey, dude ever played beer pong?” And I went like “what’s beer pong? We gotta get a ping pong ball, throw it in the cup. If you don’t get it in the cup, you gotta chug the beer. And I’m like “Let me get this straight — I’m trying to get drunk — and you’re putting an activity in front of me that may impede me from getting to my beverage. I said, they have a drinking game in England, do you want to know what’s called? DRINKING! And this is how it’s played: what you do is you have a drink, and another drink, you have a drink, have a drink, have a drink, have a drink, have a drink, have a drink, have a drink — you do this as fast as you can, and if you get so drunk that your friend has to drive you home — then you fucking win! How many more do you reckon there is behind there? There’s a dwarf behind there mixing me a cocktail. I am fucking drunk, though. All right. I’m gonna tell you a story. This story’s very long. The first three minutes of this story are very depressing. Just hitching up my pants. story are very depressing, but there is a moment where this story takes flight. And you have to hang in there with me until this moment and trust me that the story’s gonna get good. I grew up at number 3 Turramurra Street. At number 5 was my two best childhood friends, Andrew and Daniel Connor. Daniel was born with a disease called muscular dystrophy. If you don’t know what muscular dystrophy is, it’s a horrible disease that wastes away at your muscles. It’s the same as Lou Gehrig’s disease or motor neuron disease, except you’re born with it. You get diagnosed when you’re about 6 years old, when you’re not walking right and they put you on crutches. By the time you’re 10, you’re in a wheelchair. By the time you’re 20, you’re in a completely vegetative state. Most people die before their 25th birthday. Dan’s lived to be 33 years old, still alive and kicking. Let me rephrase that — Still alive. [Scattered applause] he’s actually died seven times in his life and been resuscitated — Seven. And I once asked him — I said, “Dan, what happens after you die?” And he said, “nothing.” So, good luck with your religion and your faith. I’ll take an actual statistic. Now, his family had since moved to Melbourne. I had moved to Great Britain. I went to do the Melbourne Comedy Festival. This was about a year ago. I hadn’t seen him in all that time. His brother Andrew came to see my show, and then Andrew took me to see Dan. And I went in to see him, and I’d never seen anyone live this long with this disease. And he’s laying on a bed. His eyelids are a muscle that he can’t keep open anymore, and he’s just squinting through these little things and has a breathing mask on him to keep his lungs working because the lungs are a muscle that he can’t keep pumping. He has a heart-Monitoring machine in case he flatlines in the middle of the night and someone has to resuscitate him. And as soon as I walked in and saw this guy that I used to run around with as a child, I burst into tears. There’s nothing worse you can give anyone in this world than pity, you know? I went in the corridor. I felt like a right prick. And I was fucking wiping my eyes off. And I went back in and I sat with Dan, and his brother Andrew went off to work. And me and Dan chatted for a while. 20 minutes into the conversation, Dan says to me, “Jim, I’m 32 years old. I’ve never been with a woman. Will you take me to a prostitute?” And that’s where the story picks up, ladies and gentlemen, ’cause I went, “fuck, yeah!” And he went, “but don’t tell my brother. He wouldn’t understand.” And I said, “that’s where you’re wrong. I’ve known your brother my entire life. Trust me — He will understand.” And against Dan’s will, when Andrew came home from work, I pulled Andrew aside and said, “Andrew, look, here’s the deal. Dan’s asked me to take him to a prostitute. I’m gonna do it whether you like it or not, but I think, as his brother, you should come along and help out.” And Andrew went, “we’re not doing it.” And I went, “why?” And he went, “it’ll kill him.” And I went — [Exhales heavily] “he’s gonna die soon anyway. This is a good way for him to go. Like, sure, we’ll have to answer a few questions.” And he said, “we’re not doing it.” And I said, “why?” And he goes, “’cause mom doesn’t like you already!” And I went, “your mom’s never liked me! That’s why I’m the right guy to kill your brother!” And he said, “all right, we’ll do it, but he can’t have full sex. Full sex will kill him. He can only have a blowjob.” And I thought that was fairly reasonable. So, we went back in and saw Dan. He was where we left him. “Dan, here’s the deal — I know you told me not to tell your brother, but I told your Me and him are both gonna take you to the knock shop tomorrow, mate, but you can’t have full You can only have a blowjob.” And Dan went, “I want full sex.” And his brother Andrew went, “Dan, you’re in no position to argue with anyone, ever.” Then Dan reluctantly agreed. Now, prostitution in Australia is legal, so I spent the rest of the afternoon going through the phonebook, trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access. Best afternoon ever! eventually, I found one, the biggest brothel in the southern hemisphere, the daily planet, or, as the Australians call it, “four floors of whores.” It’s a 24-Hour brothel because Australia’s a go-Ahead country. So, we decided we were gonna go early in the morning, like really early, like 6:00 a.M. We wanted to go in when the place was quiet and we weren’t gonna cause a scene. So, we wake him up at 6:00 in the morning. It’s hard to tell if he’s awake. And we get him in his chair. Now, he hasn’t got your bog-Standard fucking wheelchair. He’s got one of those big sort of silver-Looking things with the truck tires on it. I think the model’s called a hawking. And even though his muscles don’t work, they get sore. So, this thing can move him from side to side and back to front and even into a full bed. So, we get him in the chair. Then we order a taxi. And then — It’s not like you have black cabs out there. It’s like a normal car, but they’ve modified the back to go higher, and they drive him up through the boot and they strap him in there and he sits up high, with windows all around him, like a big, retarded pope… or, as the Catholics would say, the pope. and we drive up to the brothel. Now, when we get to the brothel, it takes 10 minutes to get him off the taxi. I see this as my window of opportunity, so while they’re getting him off the taxi, I run into the brothel. Now, there’s two ways that brothels work. Either the prostitutes will stand in a row in their lingerie and you just pick the one that you want, or they’ll stand around in a bar in evening gowns and high heels and you walk up to the one that you like the look of, chat to her for a bit, act like you’ve got some type of connection with an eastern European woman, then take her upstairs and fuck her if you need your life to be this delusional. This is one of these situations. So, while they’re getting Dan out of the cab, I run into the brothel and go, “everyone, quickly, gather ’round! I haven’t got much time!” And these 14 bemused hookers shuffle over, and I went, “look — Here’s the deal. I have a severely disabled friend with me. If you’re not up for it, speak now or forever hold your peace.” And one of them went, “how bad is he?” And I went, “[chuckles] pretty fucking bad.” And 10 of them said they wouldn’t do it, and I said, “well, I respect that, but can you please go and hide? Because I don’t want him to be rejected by hookers.” And these 10 girls shuffle away in their evening gowns and their high heels, with gonorrhea falling out of them. I am now left with four girls. The best-Looking one by a mile stays. Dan wheels in, looking like Jabba the Hut, breathing like Darth Vader. Two of the girls run away, and i’m like, “are you fucking kidding, you sluts? I just asked you nicely.” So we’re now left with two girls. The best-Looking one’s there. The other one’s a fucking troll. Now, out of respect for the ugly one, I go to Dan — I go, “Dan, there’s only two girls working today, mate. Which one do you want?” And he said, “the one in the green dress.” Now, neither of them had a green dress. I stand up and look at Andrew and went, “what the fuck is all this about?” And Andrew went, “oh, yeah, his eyes are fucked, as well.” Now, it turns out that Dan’s colorblind. It’s not part of the condition. It’s just unfortunate. So…I sat with the hooker. Now, i’m gonna pay for everything. Now, the reason i’m gonna pay for everything is simple. I told Dan and Andrew that I would pay for everything, as long as I got to tell this story to hundreds of thousands of people in the future. And they said, “of course you can, Jim, but be respectful and change our names,” which sounds like the right thing to do, now, doesn’t it? Now, I haven’t changed their names. Their names are Andrew and Daniel Connor from St Kilda, Melbourne, Australia. I would have liked to have changed their names. It is the right thing to do. But I look at this way — Even if I changed their names and their parents started watching my comedy, they’d be like, “my word, doesn’t ‘randy’ and ‘Steve’ sound like our kids? Didn’t Jim grow up with a lot of people with muscular dystrophy?” So, I sat there with the hooker, and I said, “how much for the half-Hour?” And she said, “$180.” And I said, “i’ll give you $250 ’cause I realize this is a specialty thing you’re doing.” And she goes, “i got one question for you,” and I said, “shoot,” and she went… “is he mentally retarded?” And I went… “oh, yeah. That’s what I do. I find mentally retarded people and take them to prostitutes. I’ll be masturbating in the corner. He doesn’t even know he’s here.” And she went, “okay, then, but if there’s two of you –” “No, he’s not mentally retarded! It’s his choice to come here! There’s a good chance he’ll die!” And she went, “what am I meant to do with him?” And I went, “i don’t know. I’ve never been a hooker. But i’m thinking give him a bit of a show. Dance it around a bit. Rub your tits in his face. Then suck him off. But don’t sit on him or fuck him. It’ll kill him.” So, we go up to the room, which, thank god, was on the first floor. And me and Andrew look at Dan like two proud parents, watching our child go to school for the first time. And then we leave. And as we proceed to leave, I pat Andrew on the back, and I said, “Andrew, you’ve been a good brother today.” He said, “thanks, mate.” Then we had a hug. And then we had that moment after our hug that Australian men have, where we go, “ah, get out of here. What’s wrong with ya?” And then I said, “hey, Andrew, how does Dan get his clothes off?” And Andrew went… “fuck!” And we went back in. Andrew looks him up and down, and he turns to me and goes, “look — He’s very fragile. I know how he likes to be picked up. I’ll lift him up. You take his pants off.” Andrew gets behind, lifts him up by his armpits — Like I couldn’t have figured out their magical hold. I’m on my knees taking Dan’s track-suit pants off. He always wore track-Suit pants, never got into fashion. And as i’m taking his track-Suit pants off, what many of you are wondering is, “can Dan get an erection?” And the answer is, “yes.” Even though none of the muscles in his body work, the cock is not a muscle. The cock is a bit of skin that fills with blood. If he gets aroused up here, blood will rush to there. Now, what nobody knew about this 32-Year-Old virgin is that Dan’s packing heat! I’m talking 9 1/2 inches of disabled misery. This cock’s so fucking big, I think that’s why the rest of his muscles didn’t work. I take the pants off. This thing springs up and hits me in the mouth. Then the hooker goes, “let’s do the light.” Let’s explain the light. When they legalized prostitution in Australia, they didn’t legalize it in all forms. For instance, you cannot get a street-Walking hooker. You cannot get a prostitute to your hotel room. You can only go to a brothel, in a safe environment, where they have security for the girls in case a man shows up being a drunken dickhead or whatever. And also it’s safer for the people that go to brothels because the girls get tested for stds every month. So, arguably, you’re better off in Australia fucking a prostitute than picking up a girl in a bar. But i’m not gonna have that conversation again. All my — You try explaining that to a girlfriend. It’s a fucking minefield. But also they make it safe for the girls. If you’re a guy who goes to a prostitute, you have to undergo the light. It’s very simple. It sounds like what it is. You put your cock under a very bright light, and they look around the shaft to see if there’s anything untoward. Then they get a magnifying glass out, go through your pubes to make sure nothing’s running around. It’s not a big deal. I’ve been rejected heaps of times. Now, the chair’s here. There’s a bed here. There’s a hot tub there. The light’s over there. Now, we try to get the chair past the bed and the hot tub, but we can’t get it through. So, me and Andrew walk over to the hooker, and we’re whispering ’cause we don’t want Dan to hear. We’re like, “um…we can’t do the light thing.” And she goes, “if you don’t do the light, i’m not doing it.” And me and Andrew went, “aw. He’s a virgin. What’s the worst that could happen?” And she whispered, “actually, i’m more concerned about his cleanliness.” And then his brother Andrew said loudly and proudly, “I washed it before we came out!” Now, you may think you’re a good brother, good sister, good mother, good daughter, whatever the fuck you think you are in this world, but you’re nothing until you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock to take him to a prostitute! That is love, ladies and gentlemen — Tangible fucking love. So, we looked at Dan. Everyone agreed it was time to We looked at Dan. Me and Andrew looked at him and went, “we’re going now, mate. If you got anything you want to say to us, say it now, ’cause, uh, we’re gonna leave, mate.” And this is what Dan did. [ Imitates wheelchair whirring ] “Leave!” So, me and Andrew went back down to the bar, and we hanged out with the hookers. There was like 10 of them sort of mulling around there. We’re standing there. We don’t know what Dan’s up to, but we’re standing around the bar with all the hookers. And then five guys from London walk into the bar, who are obviously out of their fucking skulls on coke. Now, if you’ve never taken a lot of coke, and I’ve — [Mumbles] if anyone’s got any… no, if you’ve never taken coke, you don’t — When like five or six guys get together and take coke on, like, a Tuesday, there comes a point at about 6:00 in the morning when they go, “we better call up some chicks, maybe –” And you call up ex-Girlfriends, like, “bring some friends, bring some friends.” And it’s like — I don’t know what you’re expecting. So, basically, this — I think it was a Wednesday we did this, and I think these guys had been on coke all night. And they’ve obviously gone, “all right, let’s go down the brothel. We’ll go down the brothel. It’ll be fun. We’ll go down the brothel.” And i’m standing at the bar, chatting with all the hookers, and these five guys from London walk in, and one of them recognizes me and goes, “Jim fucking Jefferies, Jim fucking Jefferies. I know you, mate. I know you. You’re the comedian — The ‘spaz approved’ guy, Australian comedian.” And I went, “hey, how you doing, man?” He goes, “hey, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim… want a line of coke?” And I went, “yes.” And I went up to the toilet and did a line of coke. And I come back out, and, obviously, I’ve left Andrew alone for too long, and he’s sort of panicking all by himself. And I sort of walk in, like… “what’s wrong?” And he goes, “what if we’ve done the wrong thing here? What if he’s in there dying right now? What if he stopped fucking breathing or — What the fuck — Or his heart stopped? What the fuck are we meant to do?” I said, “uh, not a problem, not a problem. Um… i’ll resuscitate him.” And he said, “do you know how to do that?” And I said, “no, I don’t, but how hard could it be? Push, push, blow, blow.” I haven’t embellished that in the slightest. That’s the exact thing I said to him — “Push, push, blow, blow.” Then the prostitute walks back in the room, who was with Dan. So, i’m standing with the 5 coke fiends, 10 prostitutes. She walks in the room. It’s like that moment in a movie where the needle on the record just sort of goes… [imitates record scratching] and everything stopped. And she walked in, and she said, “well…it’s over.” And me and Andrew, in unison, went… “is he dead?” And her exact words were, “oh, I didn’t check that.” So, me, Andrew, the 5 coke fiends, the 10 hookers — We all run to the room. No, he’s not dead! His chair’s back in the upright position. His cock is still sitting up, majestically, covered in jizz and spit. But for a man who an hour ago couldn’t lift his eyelids, he was sitting there like this. now, you might be wondering why his eyelids were up like that. Let me explain something. It wasn’t through happiness. Tell you something about myself. I’m 33 years old. I’ve been masturbating since I was 10 years old. And in that time, I have not missed a day. Every single day, I masturbate. Haven’t missed a fucking day. Every day, i’m in a hotel room with a laptop way high up on my chest here, so I don’t have to look at the filth i’m doing to So, i’m watching porn here. And 9 times out of 10, I hit the apple sign, right? and I do this every single fucking day. Yet I would be mortified if any one of you was to ever see me doing this. I would want to fucking kill Now, imagine if you’ve never ejaculated through the power of yourself, you’ve never had another person do it, you’re 32 years old, and for the first time you’ve shot a load of fucking stale jizz all over the fucking room and you’re sitting there with your cock out and 15 strangers walks in and you do not possess the power to put your cock away. Can you see how that might be a bit unhinging? So, we had to get him dressed But there’s come everywhere. And this time, I look him up and down. And I turned to Andrew and said, “Andrew, I don’t give a fuck how fragile he is. I’m taking the top half this time.” And we lifted him up… and we put his pants on and we proceeded to leave the brothel. Now, as we left the brothel, I turned to dan. I said, “dan, I paid for a story. Please tell me what happened.” And he said, “well, she danced around a bit, rubbed her tits in my face, and sucked me off,” which is what I asked her to do. It’s so nice to be a disabled sex puppeteer. But even nicer than that — I used to have a preconceived notion on what I thought about people such as prostitutes, man, but I was wrong. That woman treated him with dignity and respect and made him feel like a sexual being for the only time in his life. And you can’t put a price on that, all right? Well, $180 is the — The exact — The exact figure. Then we go out front, and we go to call a taxi, and the taxi driver who drove us there is still sitting out the front in his car. And he winds his window down and looks out and goes, “I’ll drive you home for free. I just need to know what happened.” Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night. Hey! ¶ she’s an natural mover ¶ ah ¶ does it like a hoover ¶ ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ¶

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

AMY SCHUMER: MOSTLY SEX STUFF (2012) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-mostly-sex-stuff-2012-full-transcript/

Fuck, yeah! This is such a big night for you. but I’m celebrating. I finally just slept with my high-school crush. Right? Thank you. Thank you, but I swear, now he, like, expects me to go to his graduation. Like I know where I’m gonna be in three years, right? I’m like, “Whoa!” Slow it down. Fucking kids, right? Fucking small kids. You look, like, upset. Like, I don’t fuck kids. That’s a joke. Like, I would never… I shouldn’t say never. That’s like… you don’t know… I feel like I just painted myself in a corner there. But… that’s not a good way to start. This is a beautiful theater. I should be really grateful. I worked at a fish restaurant last week. Like, I did stand-up at a fish restaurant, just so you guys know. That’s not a joke. People were, like, eating mussels, and they were just like, “Check”. And I was like, “Can you just let me try and pursue my dream?” And this place is so beautiful. I should have started off with something other than kid fucking. You guys are right. Start over. Class it up. My mom’s a cunt. Hear me out. Go with me on this, you guys. I know, like, not everyone’s comfortable with that word. Half of you were like, “Ugh,” right? “No, don’t say that”. And the other half of you were like, “Oh, my God. What a coincidence”. “That cunt should meet my cunt mom”. I just… I brought her to a soccer game ’cause I wanted her to see what boundaries looked like, you know? I was like, “Look, stop wearing my clothes”. Ugh. She’s always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she was like, “You know, I can still fit in my wedding dress,” I was like, “Oh, my God. Who cares?” Right? I mean, it is weird that she’s the same size now as she was when she was eight months pregnant, but I just… I don’t think bragging’s cool. Are you okay? You’re, like, choking. No? Are you allergic to talent? Hi. Hi. I’m just kidding. Are you okay, really? You need anything? Okay. Oh, God. I don’t need another death under my belt. Speaking of me taking Plan “B” last week, I… I did. You know… you know what it is? There are some people here… it’s the morning-after pill. I take it the night before ’cause I’m smart. But… some people like to… I’m with you good people. I believe birth begins at conception. So I just, like, beat that shit. Plan Bizzle. Who’s taken it? Who’s taken it? Thank you. Oh, sorry, a room of heroes. Everyone’s like, “Eh” This place is old. There’s probably… you’re probably being inseminated by the seats right now, let’s be real. I did, I took it. It’s over the… I went to my normal pharmacy. I walk in. The pharmacist is like, “Hey, Ame”. I’m like, “Please don’t call me a nickname”. He’s like, “What do you want, Ambien?” I’m like, “No, I’m not addicted to that. “You guys know that. I only take that when I’m drinking”. They’re like, “What do you want?” I was like, “Plan and they were like… they didn’t even hide it. They were like, “Ew, you whore”. I was like, “You can’t… you can’t say that”. They’re like, “You’re gonna feel nauseous”. I was like, “Ugh”. I took it, I felt fine. I went to yoga. I’m like, “Can these people tell “I’m, like, mid-aborsh right now? This is…” This is not good. It was easy. They should call it Plan That’s how I used it. It’s a great plan. Let’s start with this one. I… I don’t… I don’t think that’s, like, adorable that I just took Plan I’m 31. Like, that’s not cute at all. That’s cute when you’re, like… you’re, like, 21, right? You go, you sit on your mom’s bed, you cry, you’re like, “Oh, the condom broke”. I’m like, “The what broke?” “What now? What’s this you speak of?” I do, I still think I’m 20. It’s so gross. Like, every bar I go to, I show my I.D. They’re like, “No, that’s okay”. Like, “Wow, they’re really relaxed here. “I hope they don’t get raided. This place, I don’t know”. But the girls I grew up with, they’re living normal adult lives, you know? So they call me now, and they’re like, “Ame, I’m pregnant”. And I still react like, “What are you gonna do?” “No…” I’m like, “I’ll drive you, I guess”. They’re like, “No, you’re gross,” I’m like, “Oh, we keep them now”. Keep them. That’s my favorite reality show. You know the show Teen Mom? Or if you’re from the South, Mom. They don’t wait, right? This is poor planning on my part. I’m kind of dizzy. I donated blood today. That’s what I call getting an AIDS test. I know, that j… people, like, hate that joke if they have AIDS. So if you didn’t laugh, get tested. Check it out. Check it out. You have it. You have it. I’m a healer. I went through a breakup this year. I was dating this guy. I walked in on him masturbating. Yeah, he’s like, “Are you mad?” I’m like, “No, but you seem to be. Holy shit”. I’m like, “Does it owe you money? “Why are you…” “Is that waterboarding? I don’t feel safe”. Me and this guy, we were so different. I knew we were… like, he was, like, really into family. You know, and I mentioned my mom. Like, he’d never come on the road with me on the weekends ’cause he wanted to spend time with his wife. And I just… I’m better. No, the truth is I thought he was gonna break up with me the whole time for the lamest reason… because I wouldn’t swallow. But I have a nut allergy. Like, what did he expect? I’m gonna risk my life… for his empty calories? No! Stop telling us it’s good for our skin. Fuck you guys. One girl was like, “Oh, okay”. Guys are so gross, right? Guys are gross. You’re gross, okay? They’re so gross. I had sex with a guy recently, more semen than you’ve ever seen in your life. I was like, “Did you just get out of jail? What’s… what is the meaning of this?” “It’s a compliment”. “No, no”. But that’s what guys want ’cause they’re so gross. If it were up to them, we’d all look like Carrie in the prom scene at the end, just, “Ugh” No girl wants that. We don’t want that. We’re lazier than you. If it were up to me, the cleanup would be me taking a Q-tip going, boop, asleep. That’s it. Instead I was like, “I’ve been slimed”. “I feel like a contestant on Double Dare right now”. “Let me just get this self-worth off me real quick”. That’s why I don’t like porn. Well, I like to watch porn. Like, what girls in here like porn? Thank you. I love it. All the… all the whores are in the front. This is the best. Girls in the back are, like, reading books. They’re like, “50 shades of what?” That reference will not be funny by the time this show comes out. People will be like, “What a hack. Oh, God”. More references about right now, how about Sandusky… no. Wasting everyone’s time in the editing room. So, yeah, I like porn. I like that casting director one, that’s funny. He never finds the right girl. What do these girls have to do? I don’t like to watch the end of porn. I don’t like to watch the end of any porn, ’cause guess what happens at the end of the rainbow every time. Spoiler alert, he cums on her face. Oh! What an amazing choose-your-own adventure that always ends exactly the same. There’s never a twist, right? He’s never like… the guy is having sex with her, and he looks off camera in her backpack, he’s like, “Oh, are you reading that Nicholas Sparks book too?” “Oh, my God. What are the chances? Let’s start a bed and breakfast together”. No. He just cums on her head. We don’t wanna see that. I don’t want… ’cause we think about that girl. Like, that poor girl, and we know, as soon as the director yells “cut,” that she’s just stumbling around like Helen Keller looking for a towel, just where… “Did you guys go to lunch? “This isn’t cool. You promise this is good for my skin?” That’s so funny. Am I the only person who ever walked in the audience during their special? Three little Asian chicks were just like… And that’s not racist, that’s just… I’m just saying that that’s how all Asian people walk. Just very creepy. I know I’m in San Fran. I should watch my back. But… I think I could take those girls. That was funny. I was watching them. Like, every time I referenced semen, they were just like, “Oh, no”. Yes. It’s not for shock value. This happens, right? Come on, you guys, we’ve all taken a load somewhere we’re not proud of. So… Like, my mom’s here. So the guy I was dating, he was, like, so lazy. He was one of those dudes, like, he wouldn’t go down on me. I had to become a climber every time, you know? Head up there, just holding on to the headboard like a nosy neighbor peeking over the fence. I feel like Wilson from Home Improvement. I’m like, “Hey, Tool Man, what’s…” That was embarrassing up there. That’s the worst dismount in the biz. I don’t care how you slice it. So I’m, like, single now. I’m dating. I suck at dating. I go outwith these guys. This guy wanted to go dancing the other night. Like, have you ever had a guy who’s trying to date you be like, “Let’s dance”? It’s like, “I don’t know”. I’m like, “It’s…” I’m like, “Look, I think you wanna go to the parade”. And it’s also ’cause I’m the worst dancer. I dance like your… like your aunt at a wedding. Like, every move I do, I’m surprising myself. I’m just like, “Oh, wh… what? “Whoa, whoa. Nobody saw it going this way”. Everybody saw it going that way. It’s so awful. So I’m, like, dating now. I’m, like, going on dates. Whenever I start seeing someone, I’m, like, this alternate version of myself. It’s just like… I’m just, like, you know, trying to be super-cool new girl. I’m like, “Let me just sweep this crazy under the rug “for a couple months. “You don’t need to… you don’t need to see this till month three”. I went on a date with a guy recently, and he was, like, really hot. So I was pretending to be a good person, you know? I was saying things like, “I love kids, and I’m not racist”. Just vague lies. And you have to, like, pretend like you wanna use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I’ll be like, “You’re gonna wanna wear this. I’ve had a busy month”. “It’s like a Petri dish right now. I don’t know what’s happening”. People are so upset about my vagina right now. They’re like, “No!” Here… but this guy, we went out, and he was like… you can tell when a guy dates a lot. He had, like, date questions. He was like, “if you could have lunch with anybody, living or dead, who would it be?” I thought about it. I answered honestly, I was like, “Mark Twain. I think he was hilarious”. And he goes, “Pfft, Amy, it’s got to be somebody real”. I was like, “Oh, you’re legit retarded. That’s so cute”. “I’m gonna sleep with a retarded person”. I did. So I’ve been on the road a lot lately, and every town I go to, you have to do, like, local press, you know? The, like, Greenville Who Gives A Shit. Like, everybody has a paper. And they all ask the same questions every week. They ask me the same, exact question. They’re just like, “What’s the hardest part about being a female comedian? What is it? What’s the hardest part?” And, like, what would you guess? Well, it’s the rape. The three Asian chicks just walked back in here, and I said that, and they went… No, but it is. It’s all the rapings. No… but they ask… they’re just like… and I guess it’s a normal question, “Is it harder for female comics? Is it harder?” And it’s not. Like, they think we just get up here and just bleed all over the stage. I’m just, “Oh, my ovaries. How do I keep them in my body?” Like, it’s totally not harder. It’s harder to be a chick in general, for sure. That sucks. That’s not fun. Right? Right girls? No, it is. It sucks. Just in terms of laziness. Like, look at the guys you’re here with tonight, okay? Some of them bangable, not all of them. Let’s be real. Let’s keep it honest, okay? But, like, what did you do to get ready, you know? Like, how long did it take you to get ready? You didn’t get ready is the answer. Guys don’t do shit. They put a shirt on, give themselves one of these in the mirror, they’re out. They’re like, “I did it, bro. I fucking did it”. “What did you do?” Some guys take a little more time. I dated a guy from Philly for a while. Is anybody here from Philadelphia? Yeah? Okay, some sassy babes. No dudes, though. But tell me if I’m right about this. Well, just agree, ’cause this is for my TV special. Like, those dudes will beat you to death with a sack of batteries, but they get their eyebrows waxed. You know the kind of guy I’m talking about? I was at a Met game… thank you. And… it was Mets, Phillies, and I’m sitting behind third base. And these huge Philly meatheads are heckling David Wright. They’re like, “You suck, Wright. You’re the worst. We hate you”. And so I said, “You’re very attractive!” And the biggest one of them goes, “True”. But most guys don’t do shit. Like, look at the shirts you guys are wearing. Every one of you that I can see, you could have worn that when you were a toddler on picture day. Every one. No difference. Check it out. But look at the beautiful girls you’re with. Look at… it’s so much work for us. It takes me 90 minutes to look this mediocre. 90 minutes. Tonight it took eight hours, okay? I slept sitting up. I slept like this. It’s so much work. Oh, we’re like clowns. We are circus freaks, women, we are. We… we put paint on our faces like warriors. We’re… I’m wearing stilts. We wear stilts. We wear heels all night. And we put a string in our buttholes, just… “Ah… am I pretty?” We wear jewelry, shiny shit… “Look over here. Follow me to the altar”. Ugh. It sucks. It sucks. I think as a woman as you get older, you get lazier just by looking around. No, I just… I work in Vegas a lot. That doesn’t sound awesome. But I do stand-up in Vegas a lot, and I see these packs of young girls that still have the energy, you know? Just a pack of girls all wearing tube dresses, right? And just… the heels they can’t handle. They have to hold each other and do, like, Wizard of Oz walk, chain gang kind of… They all look identical. It looks like a whore computer just shot out a prototype, and they just started walking. “Tonight, tonight’s the night, you guys”. I like seeing them at the end of the night, you know, like it didn’t work out. They’re carrying their heels. They’re crying their makeup off. It looks like they’re melting. “Why didn’t anyone pick me?” “You have puke on your tube, Amber”. It’s all work. It’s work having a vagina. That’s work. Guys don’t think that it’s work, but it is. You think it just shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first quinceañera, believe me. Gets an updo, it cries. It’s a lot of work. It didn’t used to be work. I know that from watching vintage porn. It was no work. Zero. I even… I remember my mom bottomless when I was a kid. And it was just… poof! It looked like the black smoke monster from Lost was just following her. It’s like, “Is Mom being swarmed by bees? “What is… “Is that a tumbleweed? We’re not even in the West”. And then something happened. I don’t know. Like, 10, 15 years ago, all the dudes got together and had, like, a meeting. Like a fantasy football draft about our privates. They were like, “We can’t get in there. “It’s like Vietnam trying to… What do we do?” And then they just came to us, and they were just like, “Ladies, would you mind looking like babies again?” And we were like… “Like, what do you mean? Just clean up the sides a little bit or…” “The whole enchilada”. And we were like, “Yeah, that’s not super weird”. So now we go, we get it done. We have to go get it done. Ugh, yeah, like, that does… she… we go and get it done, guys. Like, it doesn’t just happen. I don’t care how cool your girl is. She doesn’t have, like, alopecia of the crotch. It just falls out in the shape of your initials. That’s not what happens. That’s not how it goes down, no. We get it done. We have to go see a woman, usually from a third-world country. It’s never from, like… like, it’s never me that comes and gets you from the waiting room. Like, I’ll never be like, “Hi, I’m Ashley. I’m here to take care of your pussy”. Like, no. “Pussy!” No, it’s not… that’s not how it goes. Like, the chick who does it to me in New York, I think she’s from, like, the killing fields of Cambodia. Like, this poor woman… I can tell, like, she has seen some shit, you know? She has been through it, and she was, like, a doctor there. And now she does this, and she hates me. And she doesn’t even hide it. I walk in, she’s like, “Ugh”. I’m like, “Sorry”. But she should, she should hate me because I’m like… we’re the worst, white, entitled girls. I walk in chewing gum, I’m on my phone. I’m just like… I’m like, “Don’t get any wax on my new UGGs. What?” She’s like, “My parents were murdered in front of me”. I’m like, “I’m on the phone. What?” “It’s about True Blood. Give me one sec”. She hates me, but she wins. Like, those chicks win every time, ’cause what they do, and I always forget this, they go… she goes and gets a mirror, and she shows it to me. She shows me my own vagina. And I have to act like I’m not horrified. And I’m horrified. It’s the worst thing in the world. And what she’s saying in that moment is, “Are you happy now, you dumb bitch? You just paid me to assault you”. “And now you look like a toddler. Is that what… is that cool, yeah?” And it’s not cool. It’s the worst thing you’ll ever see in your life. It’s red. It looks angry. It looks like an old man frowning. Just, “No!” “Visit me!” “Birds!” I don’t know. Old people like birds, right? I don’t know. They’re always like, “Oh, look, a bird”. Ugh. It’s so much work. I think guys have it easier. I’m not sure. What do you guys think? Yeah, you do? Did you ever see an uncircumcised penis? You did? Did you know… did you know you were gonna see it? No, it’s always a fucking surprise party, right? It’s a big… it’s him, right? It’s him. Wait. Here’s the funniest thing. I’m sorry that everyone knows about your penis now. But here’s the best part, he’s wearing a shirt that says “Browncoats”. Now, if that’s not funny… And that’s what it looks like. It looks like your penis is wearing a little brown coat… if you’ve seen one. You just… nobody ever tells you, right? He didn’t tell you. They don’t tell you shit. They’re just like, boom, reunited with Snuffleupagus, enjoy. Enjoy. You guys are so cute. Why don’t they tell us? Tell… tell me. We have to become award-winning actresses. Like, “Oh, no. That’s totally cool. “Mom, can you come pick me up? “I don’t know. It’s wearing, like, a hat or, like, a cape. Like, a brown coat type thing”. Why don’t they tell us? I would tell you if I had an extra flap over my clitoris. I’d give you a heads-up. I would. I’d be like, “You’re gonna encounter a wizard. “Keep going. “Go. Take this compass”. I’d make it exciting, play the music from Zelda. It’d be great. Men don’t care. They don’t tell you. I hooked up with a guy one time that had no testicles. Count them, zero “testicalo”. You think he brought that up at dinner? ‘Cause he didn’t. I got to find out in real time. It was dark in the room. Let me paint the romantic picture here. And I went right to the spot I know them to always be, no GPS necessary. I picked up the main event and noth… I felt like a girl learning Braille. I just kept… And, like, we don’t… like, girls don’t care about your balls. Like, no one care… like, I would never call my sister the morning after and be like, “Hey, okay. So, like, the sex was lame, “but this guy’s balls…” No. But when they’re not there, you miss ’em. They’re like grandparents. Thank you. I like that that’s the one that was too much for you guys. You’re like, “Rape, AIDS, whatevs. Grandparents? Whoa!” So, yeah, the way I saw an uncircumcised penis… I had met this guy at a bar. He was French. So I should have known, but I didn’t know he was actually French. I thought we were both just, like, wasted and faking the accent, you know? I was like, “Rosetta Stone!” ‘Cause I do, I can only drink beer and wine now ’cause I, like, my parents are… anybody have alcoholic parents? Anybody in here? Oh, no, everybody was raised awesomely? Like, my dad used to apologize to me for missing volleyball games that he was at. So, anyway, I meet this French guy and… ’cause I don’t think that’s a cute accent on dudes, right? The French accent. It just… it makes my vagina shut like a steel trap, Just pshh! I mean, thank God for that other hole, but… My butthole. Oh, you knew. Okay, you knew. So I went home with this French guy, ’cause he said something adorable like, “I have an apartment”. I was like, “Oh”. So we go… I go home with him, and we’re, like, making out. He was very sensual. He’s one of those dudes, like, he started to pick me up, and then he realized he was in over his head, and I got planted back down. It’s hard to feel sexy when a dudes winded from trying to hoist you. His, like, legs are shaking. He’s, like, wiping sweat. I’m like, “Can you just put me…” I tried to land cute like a gymnast. I was like… No, but I do… but I know I have a body type. Like, I know, like, I’m not a twig. Like, if a cheerleading pyramids being made, I know I’m a base. Like, I get right down… I’m not like, “Hoist me up on top “like a star tonight, you guys. I wanna fly”. Like, I know where I am. I know my body type the way guys hit on me at bars, like, when it happens. And it’s usually my idea. I’m usually like, “Hey”. And they’re like, “No, thanks”. And I’m like, “Hey!” And they’re like, “Oh”. But when I do get hit on… Like, this guy just came up to me, and he was from, like, Texas or somewhere I’m not going. And… and he comes over, and he’s like, “Hey, I like you. You’re sturdy”. I’m like, “I’m sorry?” He’s like, “You look like you could take a punch”. I’m like, “Oh”. Oh, don’t I feel like the belle of the ball. So I’m making out with Frenchinator, and… he did… he put… he, like, gave up right away, ’cause he’s French, I guess. And… Oh, my God. Thank you. So we’re making out, and… he… he pulled his dick out immediately. He must have been thinking like, “She’s the one”. And I’m looking at it. I’m just like, “What… what is that?” “Are we having, like, a pillow fight? “What’s… Why is the gnome from Travelocity in your underpants?” But, like, you can’t… guys are sensitive too. I couldn’t do what I was, like, thinking, like… “Aah!” Like, run down the five stories of his walk-up. I had to be, like, a team player and be like, “All right, here we go”. Just, like, fighting through the skin trying to find his actual pe… I felt like a magician with the scarves, I’m just… Waiting for a dove to hit me in the face. It sucks getting older as a chick. In your 20s, you’re just like, “Life is awesome. Everybody wants to fuck me, you guys!” Then you turn 30, and you’re like, “You guys?” It’s like a bus that never comes. But as I’m getting older, what I’m doing now is I’m just making sure I’m the best-looking one of my friends. It’s really easy. I cut certain people out of my life. And I now hand-select strangers off of Facebook and surround myself with real trolls and reptiles. You should see these monsters. I had a friend, Nikki, she kept losing weight. I took her out of my phone. Fuck her, I’m sorry. But there’s one chick I’ve been friends with forever. Her name is Sabina. Like, she’s gorgeous, and of course she is, with the name Sabina. Like, what a white, annoying name, right? You have to be so hot to pull off names like that, like Sabina, Priscilla. You can’t have, like, a bum knee and a lazy eye and be like, “I’m Sabina”. It’s like, “Nice try. “We’re gonna call you Bertha, bitch. “But that was cute. That was cute”. Guys go crazy over her. I never get hit on like that. The only time I get hit on is last call at the bar. Right? That’s when I shine, I’m telling you. What a weird time of night, right? The lights go on. It just feels real rape-y all of a sudden. Post-apocalyptic. Something happens to the men. They’re just like, “I need a woman”. Like, they all just start pacing like gorillas. Their eyes widen. It looks like they can only see by heat. They’re like, “What?” Like Predator. I see some dude in a full blackout just walking at me, like a zombie just pointing at his own dick. Like, “Here”. I’m like, “I’ll get us a cab”. I know I make it sound like I’m so slutty up here, but I’m… I’ve only been with four people, and that was a weird night. That’s my business. Oh, it doesn’t matter what you do, ladies. Every guy is gonna leave you for an Asian woman, and you know that. That’s right, I’m saying it in San Francisco, in the hotbed. In the hotbed. I get it. I can’t compete with an Asian chick. I can’t. They’re better. I’ve been thinking about this. I did the math. I know that’s their thing, but I did it. I’ve been thinking about it. I can’t win. How can I compete with an Asian chick? They’re smarter. They have naturally silky hair. This Jew denial took me, like, 40 minutes. They laugh like this ’cause they know men hate when women speak. They’re better. They’re just better. And how do they bring it on home for the win? Oh, the smallest vaginae in the game. I can’t compete with that. What do I have? What am I… I’ve got a B.A. in Theater and HPV. No one’s buying my stock. I am plummeting. I’m going to black guys. That’s what I’m trying to do. That’s what I’m doing, yeah. I’ve… I can’t believe I’ve never done it. I’m built for it. It seems weird I haven’t. Gotta go for the black guy. Have you ever… black guy? Yeah. She’s like, “Yeah”. She’s like, “Yes, look at my shirt. You know I fuck black guys”. How cute are you? You’re so cute. You’re hot. I’m not gay. I’ve caught a finger, but you get what I’m saying. Black guys are the future. Some chicks are scared. You know what they say, “Once you go black, your parents don’t talk to you anymore”. Something like that. I don’t know. I don’t know. Something, like, to that effect. But black guys… No, I want to do it. I almost did it last weekend. I was… like, after the show, I was standing out, and… and I was trying to sell my CDs, and people were like, “No, thanks”. And not even of my stand-up. Just, like, some shit I needed to get rid of, you know, like, the Forrest Gump soundtrack, just some Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott. I’m like, “I don’t need this”. But, no, this dude comes up to me, this black guy, and he was into it, ’cause, come on. And… he walks over, and he’s like, “I’m Derek”. And I was like, “Derek?” He’s like, “Derek”. And he had on, like, a nice shirt, and he had, like, a job. And I was like, “No, I want a brotha”. If I’m gonna do it, I wanna really do it, you know? Not Derek. I want him to, like, not even have a name, just like nicknames. Everyone’s like, “Pookie!” He’s like, “What’s up?” No job. We need, like, a ton of lube, but just, like, for his elbows. You know what I’m talking about? Oh, that was insanely racist? You’re right. You’re right. I love joking about race. It’s, like, my favorite. I was talking about this the other day. I was hanging outwith literally all my black friend. And… And… and I remember I was like, “Tamambe,” or whatever. Tapestry… it’s something wild, you know? It’s something crazy. I mean, that’s why they need Google in the delivery room, I think, right? It’s everywhere else. Why not there, right? So when her mom was like, I’m gonna name you “Tamambo”. Google would show up and say, “Did you mean Jennifer?” And her mom would be like, “Yes, Google, I did mean Jennifer. Thank you”. No, Tamambe. So I’m hanging out with Tapioca and… Tempura or something, and what was she saying? She… she was like, “Girl”. Like, I won’t do some racist impression, so don’t worry. But she was like, “Girl!” I mean, we were, like, mid-double Dutch, and… And I’m just like, “Stop yelling. We’re not at the movies”. Thank you. Thank you. I’m glad you guys laughed at that. That does not always work, I’ll be honest with you. I mean, nothing works 100% of the time, right? Except Mexicans. I’ve noticed… That’s the one? Boo! Right? Boo, Mexicans. I hear ya. You guys are preaching to the choir. So, ass play, you guys, what do you guys think? For or against? Every night? Okay. I’ve dealt with two kinds of guys when it comes to my personal asshole. There’s the kind of guy that never acknowledges it, right? Like, the whole time you’re together just never… which is awesome because who needs the extra maintenance? Can I get what-what, ladies? What-what! Thanks, sister friends. That guy’s awesome, right? You know what you’re getting with that guy. And then there’s the other kind of guy who goes for it immediately. Like, you’re not even fully kissing yet, and he’s trying to grab you like a bowling ball. You’re like, “No!” He’s like, “You said you like Jeff Dunham”. You’re like, “No!” You can’t trust those guys, all right? So I was dating the first kind of guy, no ass play. Like, the sex was very vanilla. There was no funny business, no dirty talk. If I sent him a naughty photo, he would just write back, “Thanks,” like I sent him a fax he needed. Like I had forwarded him an e-vite. So we were together for, like, years, and one night, out of nowhere, we’re at dinner, and he’s like, “I’d like to talk about something. I’d like to talk about ass play”. And I’m like, “Is that a Broadway show? “That show sounds awesome. Let’s go see that show”. And he’s like, “No, ass play”. And as I’m asking him questions, I realize he hasn’t thought it through at all. ‘Cause I was just like, “Do you mean on you or me?” And he was like, “Oh”. I was like, “Oh, Jesus, no”. This is not a brainstorm sesh here. Your PowerPoint, buddy. So that night, I was like, “I’m gonna call him on his bluff”. I don’t usually joke around in the bedroom, but I was like, “Fuck this guy”. So… I’m like, “This J.V. player is gonna get it from me,” so… So we’re, like, making out, and I’m just like, “Psst, where is all the ass play?” And like a frightened child, he goes, “Tonight?” And I’m like, “Uh-huh”. And he can’t think… he goes, “Well, did you shower?” I said, “I’m not gonna answer that, ’cause I’m not a homeless woman”. Just some schizophrenic with a cart like, “Wash me!” So he can’t think of any other way to stall, so this is what he does, okay? This is my asshole. This is his finger. He goes like this. And he holds it there, like he was checking it for a pulse. Like he thought a groundhog might pop out, and he’d have to Whac-A-Mole it. And then I fist him like you wouldn’t believe. He’s dead. Oh, God, you guys are awesome. I… seriously, sometimes that goes so awkward, and during a set, I just want to, like, tap out. I’ve had this image. Not like a wrestling tap-out, but just sort of soft-shoe out of the room in an awkward situation. Like, why can’t we do that? I was working at this club, and… I walked in the first night. And I realized at this club, there was a bathroom attendant. Have you ever been like, “Oh, dope, a bathroom attendant works here”. No, you’re like, “Ah, it’s awkward”. They hate you. You hate… you’re just like, “Oh, please”. Like, you know, it’s unnecessary. Are you ever peeing like, “How am I gonna leave here without a Starburst?” “I don’t like going without somebody listening”. No. I go in the bathroom the first night, and the bathroom attendant stops me at the door. And she’s like, “They’re all full right now, so you’re gonna have to wait a minute”. And I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, I know how bathrooms work”. Like, if she hadn’t said that, I was just gonna go rogue and start pounding on all the stalls, up and down with a shiv. “No!” Peeing in the sink. “I do what I want, bathroom attendant!” I come out. She hands me a paper towel. “Thank you. “If you hadn’t saved me, I would have just bled “and dripped like stigmata. Thank you”. So unnecessary. So, the last night I’m at this club, I go in the bathroom. She’s, like, facing the wall. So I’m like, “Oh, good”. I go right in the stall. And I’m not gonna say anything gross. But I’m in there just dropping a ton of heat, Just… massacring this bowl. Just… I’m texting people, like, “Am I dying?” It’s like, “Your sister’s a nurse”. Things like that. To a lot of my family, I just wrote, “Good-bye”. Like, whatever you’re picturing, like, triple it. I’m sorry. None of that happened. You guys, none of that happened. You two, you two, none of that happened. Hey, did you know there’s a show? Come on, you’re pretty. Just stop talking. No, I appreciate you supporting live comedy. No, none of that happened. I didn’t really… you guys… oh, my God, you guys, then just… what’s go… what are you guys talking about? What’s happening? Oh, you love me? It’s… It’s their anniversary. Oh, my God, do you remember that I don’t care? No, I’m just kidding. No, that’s exciting. How many years? I’m just kidding. I don’t care. I don’t care. No, I don’t care. No, do you guys care? No? Okay, sorry. Sorry, nobody cares. Nobody cares. No, but seriously, thank you guys so much for coming. Nobody cares. What’s your name? Erin. That was a test. Nobody cares, Erin. You guys are so cute. I’m sorry. Thank you for spending your anniversary with me. Mom, thank you. I’m sorry you have to sit next to your daughter when I’m talking about semen the whole time. Where do you stand on ass play, Mom? You’re good? Okay, you don’t want her to know, but you can’t get enough? Okay. You guys won’t forget this anniversary. What am I… what am I talking about? Like, what was I talking about before I just talked to you guys? Does anybody remember? Shitting. I love you guys. I fucking love this crowd. The sweetest voice too. “Shitting”. Oh, God, I wish that happened. Like, I wish I was able to… to do that. But I did, I just… she was facing the wall, and I’m like… I hear that she’s crying, so I’m like, “Excuse me. I’m about to wash my hands, so you… “you better get fucking ready.” No, she’s crying. No, I was like, “Well, what’s wrong? “Like, is it your choices? Like, what’s…” No, I asked her what was wrong, and she was like… she told me, she was like, “My dog died”. So I was like, “I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. “I’m gonna go get us some shots. “We’re gonna get weird in here tonight, okay? You and me”. And she goes, “it just really doesn’t feel like six years ago”. What do you say? I just looked right at her and just… What do you do? I found the owner, I was like, “She’s doing a ton of blow in there. You should get rid of her”. I… I’ve been really enjoying being on the road ever since the roast, because I’ve been on the road, like, for years, but… but people had no idea who I was, so they would see a picture of me, and they’d be like, “Oh, she looks sweet. “She kind of looks, like, Amish, you know? “Like… kind of Cabbage Patchy up top, right? “We should bring the family. I bet she talks about, like, shopping”. And then they get here, and I’m like, “My pussy…” but it’s way better now, ’cause, like, a lot of people saw that roast, and they just are like, “Oh, she’s, like, a bad person”. So that means you guys are dirtbags too, and I appreciate you coming out. You are bad people. Thank you, bad people. But I’ve been really lucky. Like, my whole life, I found friends just like me. Like, at a young age, I found girls that were just like me. Like, we were all whores. You know? Just little drunks running around. But in every group of girlfriends, there’s always, like, one that’s the sluttiest, you know? If you don’t have that friend, you’re that friend. Let’s be real. And it wasn’t me in my group of friends. Shocker was my nickname. But, no, in my group of friends… in my… the sluttiest of us was this girl Katie. And… we didn’t judge her for that. But she… she wouldn’t own it. Like as soon as she would have a boyfriend, she’d start acting like Mother Teresa, you know? She’d, like, walk different. She talked differently. Like, I remember one time she walked over with her new boyfriend, she was like, “Adam and I are thrilled you could join us for brunch”. I was like, “I’ve helped you get cum out of your hair”. “Remember, we tried using peanut butter ’cause we’re stupid, remember?” We didn’t talk about that at brunch with Adam. So she moved to Connecticut and, like, was getting married, and she had a wedding shower there. And I was the only friend from home that could go. So I met all of her new, fancy Connecticut friends. And, like, you know women like this. Like, these girls, they were all, like, very Stepford wife, you know? They all, like, wore, like, pastel cashmere cardigans and pearls and Burberry, like, tampons. And they all spoke like this, like almost in a whisper. Like, they all were… everybody just walked around whispering to each other. Like, “Oh, I guess we were just born “with different vocal cords ’cause I was raised better. Do you ski?” So I’m at this party, and I’m, like, mainlining chardonnay, trying to remember fun. Just like, “Why?” So one of the girls was like, “Let’s play a game”. And I’m like, “Suicide pact? I’ll go first. This party’s the worst”. And she goes, “No, let’s all go around and admit something”. And I’m like, “Oh, no”. So these girls are going around. They are… the shit they’re admitting is so boring. I can’t… like, one girl was like, “Once, I forgot to let the dog out all day!” And they were all like, “No!” I’m like, “Is this happening right now?” So the girl that goes right before me, Bridget, the worst human I’ve ever met. I hope she sees this. That’s how bad of a person she is. Like, Bridget, I hope you’re watching this. But she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t be up this late. She spoke the softest. You had to, like, lean in and squint and read her lips, ’cause she just… Bridget talked like an angel was sleeping on her tongue. # No one wake the angel # On my tongue That’s not a real song, Comedy Central. So, anyway, she’s like, “All right, you guys, it’s my turn. Bring it in”. And we’re like, “We’re in ’cause we have to be, ’cause you talk like Fievel”. Use your diaphragm, Bridge. So she’s like, “I’ll admit this. “Sometimes after Richard falls asleep, I get up and eat ice cream”. I just wanted to find one other pair of eyes being like, “What a dumb cunt, right?” But nothing. No one. They’re all looking at her like, “Bridget! You should be asleep”. “Bridget, it’s night. Carbs? Come on”. So then it’s my turn, and… I don’t look at my friend Katie. I just feel her just glaring at me, just like, “Don’t be yourself right now, bitch! This is my new life”. And so I’m like, “Okay… first of all, Bridget, thank you for being so brave”. “I’ll admit this. “It’s kind of like your ice cream thing. “One time I let a cab driver finger me”. And Katie’s like, “That’s not how you play, Amy”. I’m like, “Really? ‘Cause I feel like I won. I feel…” You guys, you were an amazing crowd. Thank you so much. I feel like this is what I would feel like, like, if I ever kept a baby. You know, like, this kind of joy. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Fuck, thank you. Oh! I want to jerk you all off, even the girls. Even the girls. Guys, thank you. I really, really appreciate it. I know you guys are thinking like, “What are you doing back out here?” And some of you were just thinking like, “You’re so pretty”. Thank all of you. But I wanted to come out and just sort of, like, give you an opportunity if anybody wants to ask a question, like, now it’s the time. It doesn’t have to be about my set. Yeah? What’s your name? And what… what actor are you? I’m Cubed. What? My name’s Cubed. Cubed? Does anybody different have a question? With a name that makes sense? No, I’m just kidding. What… what happened? Where… where are your parents from? What are you doing later? What am I doing later? Ooh, Cubed. Do you have HPV? Do you want it? I haven’t drank in two months, getting ready for this. So I’m gonna, like, black out. If anybody wants to get down with me, like, sexually, tonight is not the night. But, yes, I’m gonna tie one on. Anybody… yes, you, sir. What’s your name? – Rick. – Hi, Rick. I want to give you a standing I think we all should give you a standing ovation. This guy’s sad ’cause he’s wasted. You don’t have to… thank you. This is good for the camera. Wow. Thank you. Okay, okay. Thank you. That was… that was nice. A lot of people weren’t into it. Like, a lot of people got up and were just kind of, like… “Our reservations were, like, ten minutes ago. When’s this bitch gonna wrap it up?” Yes, you, gorgeous. Hi. Can I buy you a drink, possibly have a cocktail with you at some point? Ooh, this is awesome. You can definitely buy me a drink. I don’t… I’m not gay. I mean, I’ve caught a finger. I’m not boring. Trust me. But, yeah, I could totally see that happening. I don’t think that would be weird at all. Your boyfriend doesn’t seem too psyched, but he’s all fired up about Pride. Oh, yes, you. Hi. So… who is your comedy mentor? My comedy mentor. That’s a good question. I hang out with mostly 45-year-old dudes. Thank you. They’re all comedians. They’re alcoholics. Like, they don’t drink anymore ’cause they can’t, you know? And it makes sense, because, like, they look at me, and they’re just like, “Oh, my God”. Like, they think I’m so hot just ’cause I’m not their wives. I walk in, they’re like… # Who’s that girl? # I’m like, “What?” But out, like, you know, in the streets, people are just throwing lit cigarettes at me. They’re like, “Ugh, pass”. So, like, Dave Attell and Jim Norton. Right? And so… yeah, you gotta love those guys. Yeah… yes. – Of women… – Women. – Comics, who is your mentor? – Okay. Okay, well, Jessica Kirson was my mentor. Like, she’s in New York, and she’s amazing. And then… sort of where she left off, I just like… my mentor, like, those guys took me on the road to open for them a lot, so that’s why. But I grew up loving Gilda and Goldie Hawn, and I love Margaret Cho, and Sarah… Palin. I’m just kidding. You, sir. What’s your feeling on anal bleaching? Anal bleaching. I’m glad somebody brought this up. That’s a great question. Okay, so here’s how I feel about it. When I heard about it, I was just like, “Ew, everybody, chill out”. But then I looked at my own asshole, and I was like, “Whoa! “That looks like something out of the universe. Maybe we should hook that up”. But I still haven’t done anything. But I keep a low pro, butt-wise. You… I’m doing God’s work. I mean, am I healing people? Yes? What’s your favorite city? My favorite city? New York City… Yeah… Sorry, one girl’s like, “Boo”. I like Madison, Wisconsin. Nice. And I think Cleveland’s the worst. Yes, you, sir? Why is your sister here? Why is my sister here? You know what? I have no idea. I didn’t fly her in. She showed up. She shows up wherever I am. My sister is here because… she’s my best friend in the whole world, and I love her and trust her more than anyone. And I dedicate this show to her. And I want to thank my mom, who’s not a cunt at all. My mom… please clap for my mom. She’s not a cunt. But her bush was huge when I was growing up. That was true. Okay, yeah? Do you have to pee as bad as I do? Oh, okay, she has to pee, and she’s really pretty. So everyone’s, like, given her whatever she wants her whole life. I don’t have to pee at all. It’s pretty sweet. I feel, like, physically, real comfortable up here. I could hang out. If you don’t mind, I’m gonna do my 90-minute one-woman show now. Thank you. Thank you, Comedy Central, and thank you guys. Thank you. Oh, God, Dad died. When? I guess, like, today. Are you gonna talk about it onstage? Yeah. Yeah? You should open with it.

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BILL BURR: WHY DO I DO THIS (2008) – Testo italiano completo

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-i-2008-testo-italiano-completo/

Va bene, grazie, grazie mille. Va bene, Gesù. Va bene, va bene. Sedetevi, sedetevi. Avremo di che parlare… Va bene, grazie, grazie. Grazie mille. Grazie. Va bene, va bene, grazie, grazie… Gesù Cristo! Distribuisci un po’ di biglietti omaggio e si presentano tutti. “Questo tizio spacca! Biglietti omaggio! Mi piace!” È bello essere di nuovo qui a New York. Non ho fatto un cazzo oggi. È vero. Sono uno sfigato, sono rimasto spaparanzato a guardare la TV. Lasciate che vi dica una cosa: sono stanco dei pedofili! Sì! I molestatori… Sono su ogni canale. Tutti hanno qualcosa da dire sui molestatori. L’ho capito. Ci sono persone, là fuori, che toccano i bambini. Ma non sono mica tutti! Si tratta di una porzione molto piccola della popolazione. Per cui abbassate i toni, perché state rendendo insopportabile la situazione lì fuori, cazzo. Non si possono più salutare i bambini. Io adoro i bambini. Io amo i bambini. Mi piace far loro delle smorfie in aereo, farli ridere. Ora i genitori pensano: “Per caso è un molestatore?”, e li nascondono. Mi fanno sentire un pervertito. Ora sono terrorizzato dai bambini. Una volta, quando un bambino camminava verso di te, potevi scompigliargli i capelli: “Ehi, piccolo, come stai?” Ora se un bambino cammina verso di me dico: “Amico! Porta via quella cosa! “Scherzi a parte, porta via quella cosa! “Le mie mani sono ben in vista, non sto toccando nulla, “per l’amor di Dio, porta via quella cosa!” Non voglio l’FBI od un tizio di ‘To catch a predator’ che mi dice: “Che stai facendo qui? Che stai facendo qui? No no, siediti!” Quello show, ‘To catch a predator’, è davvero una cattiva pubblicità per i bianchi. Gesù Cristo. Non potrebbero andare in un ghetto di tanto in tanto, e prendere un paio di R. Kelly che pisciano su di un bambino? Per bilanciare un po’ le cose. Ogni tizio che entra in quella casa deve assomigliarmi? “Sì, mi scoperò un bambino di 8 anni!” È incredibile. Tutti parlano di pedofili e quel tipo di cose. Forse ce ne sono di più al giorno d’oggi. Forse è più facile, grazie ad internet. Perché una volta dovevano impegnarsi, dovevano comprare un camion di gelati, dei ricoperti al cioccolato dovevano capire quando i bambini uscivano da scuola, scegliere un ritardatario… Ora basta andare su internet e cercare con Google “bambino di otto anni con i genitori che dormono”… È incredibile. Quand’è l’ultima volta che avete visto un bambino che si fa un giro in bici? Non vedrete mai più una scena del genere. Non vedrete mai più bambini che giocano in strada… I genitori li barricano in casa, oggigiorno. Continuano a dar loro da mangiare e loro diventano sempre più grassi. Cercano di renderli impossibili da scopare! Ecco perché vedete questi bambini obesi di 8 anni che ondeggiano in giro per la casa… Non si possono far salire in macchina. I pedofili, tendenzialmente, sono scheletrici, dovrebbero strozzarli con l’avambraccio e trascinarli… È solo una teoria, ragazzi, davvero. Non prendetela troppo seriamente. “Lo pensa davvero? Pensa che sia quello il motivo?” Ho visto il film Pride, recentemente. Voi l’avete visto? Riguarda la prima squadra di nuotatori composta da sole persone di colore, e le difficoltà che hanno dovuto affrontare, essendo la prima squadra di nuotatori composta da sole persone di colore. Lasciate che vi chieda una cosa. Quanti di quei film del genere “I bianchi sono malvagi” hanno intenzione di fare? Siamo arrivati fino al nuoto. Il mio senso di colpa bianco sta iniziando a scarseggiare. Il capostipite di questo filone cinematografico è stato Roots. Il senso di colpa bianco era al suo massimo storico. Feci fatica a vederlo: “Ho capito, i miei antenati erano malvagi. Puoi cambiare canale per piacere? “Li stanno ancora picchiando? Cazzo, cambia canale! “Manderanno in onda delle repliche per tutta la settimana? Gesù Cristo! Cambia canale!” Poi negli anni ’80 c’è stato quel film sul football, poi quello in cui Cuba Gooding voleva fare il sommozzatore, vi ricordate? Ed ora siamo arrivati al nuoto, e devo ammetterlo, non penso che me ne freghi un cazzo. Non voglio fare il coglione, ma è un’attività ricreativa. Sono stato in svariate piscine, c’erano persone di colore, e non ho mai visto un bianco che cercava di impedire alle persone di colore di entrare in piscina. Si stanno inventando tutto? Non voglio fare il coglione nemmeno in merito a questo argomento, ok? Giusto per chiarire. Non voglio che nessuno venga da me dopo lo show a dirmi: “Stavo pensando alla stessa cosa, e poi tu l’hai detta, cazzo!” Non sto dicendo che le persone di colore non dovrebbero essere autorizzate a mettere un costume e farsi un tuffo. In questi film i personaggi non sono credibili. Ci deve sempre essere il personaggio bianco esageratamente disinibito e razzista. È il tizio che dovrebbe rappresentare tutta la malvagità dei bianchi. È il tizio che urla durante il trailer del film. “Erano la prima squadra di nuotatori composta esclusivamente da persone di colore”. “Uscite dalla piscina!” Ha una grande vena sulla fronte… Urla stronzate senza neanche guardarsi intorno… È ridicolo. Il vero razzismo è silenzioso, è sottile. Le persone si guardano intorno, controllano che non ci sia nessuno in giro, piazzano un disclaimer: “Sai che non sono razzista, ma… “questo [nome di un etnia seguito da un ragionamento insulso]…” Ecco come funziona. Non si vedrà mai un tizio che urla: “Ci son dei negri in piscina! “Sei d’accordo? “Lavoro in banca, posso essere licenziato all’istante per cortesia?” Sto solo dicendo… Rendete quei film credibili. Sapete qual è la cosa più strana? Quei film stanno cominciando a crearmi un complesso. Perché ogni volta che fanno un film su un gruppo di persone che pensa stronzate ignoranti riguardo ad un altro gruppo di persone, sono sempre dei bianchi. Quindi, i bianchi sono gli unici che pensano stronzate ignoranti riguardo alle altre persone? Nessun ragazzo messicano si è mai avvicinato ad un indiano dicendo: “Amico, che cazzo è? Ti prude? Ti da fastidio?” I bianchi sono gli unici a dire: “Perché voi non mangiate le mucche? “Branco di froci! “E perché indossi dei sandali? Questo tizio indossa dei sandali. È un frocio!” Sto solo dicendo che… Dovreste bilanciare un po’ questi film: piazzateci alcune delle cattiverie che i neri dicono dei bianchi quando non siamo in zona. Quali sono alcuni esempi validi? Stai bazzicando in giro, hai avuto una giornata dura… Mettete alcuni dei classici. Puzziamo come cani bagnati, giusto? Siamo pidocchiosi o qualcosa di simile… Inserite un po’ di quei luoghi comuni… – Esci dalla piscina! – Lavati le mani, figlio di troia! Fatelo sembrare un po’ più… Siamo arrivati fino al nuoto. Quale sarà il passo successivo, cazzo? Cosa farete? Un film sul ping-pong? “Erano la prima squadra di ping-pong composta esclusivamente da persone di colore”. “Ruberanno le racchette!” “Mia figlia non sta giocando a ping-pong!” “Devi andare là fuori e dimostrare all’uomo bianco che lo puoi battere a ping-pong!” Non so, è sempre strano parlare di questi argomenti… Non sto dicendo che i bianchi non siano malvagi. So che siamo malvagi. La malvagità è parte di me. È vero, riesco a sentirla. Ecco perché cerco di sopprimerla. Cerco di vestire in maniera informale. Dico sul serio. Ho provato un completo, l’altro giorno, e l’ho sentita salire: “Fanculo, voglio conquistare qualcosa! “Voglio iniziare a dire alla gente cosa fare. “Voglio andare a inquinare un lago per poi dare la colpa alla mia segretaria”. Non mi piacciono neanche i film in cui bianchi e neri vanno d’accordo. Anche quelli mi sembrano ridicoli. Deve sempre esserci una sorta di lezione in quei film… “Non c’avevo mai pensato prima!” Perché non succede mai! Ogni volta che sono uscito con un nero, in nessun momento della serata ha cercato di insegnarmi a ballare. Quel momento interrazziale alla Footloose, che devono sempre piazzare in quel genere di film. E io non vado mai nel suo quartiere a cercare di salvare una scuola. Quante volte faranno ancora quel film? Un bianco che va nei ghetti, deve cambiare le cose… Hanno appena fatto di nuovo quel film. Con chi era? Hilary Swank? C’è nemmeno il bisogno di andare a vederlo? Fatemi indovinare: si presenta nel ghetto, e non la accettano. Poi va a casa e piange sulla spalla del suo ragazzo effeminato che indossa una tuta e sta cucinando, per qualche motivo. E lui la convince a provare un’ultima volta. Allora torna laggiù, inizia a far crescere la sua bellezza interiore, le mettono una bandana in testa e lei inizia a ballare, cazzo, ed è semplicemente imbarazzante per tutte le razze coinvolte. Per l’amor di Dio, smettetela di fare quel film, cazzo! Impiegando il tempo perso per fare quel film, avrei potuto conoscere un bianco che l’ha fatto sul serio. “Quello è Mike. Già, salva i ghetti. Eh, è quello che fa. “Io rimango spaparanzato a guardare ‘SportsCenter’ mentre lui è nei ghetti ogni weekend”. Sta scrivendo il suo nome sulla lavagna: “Il mio nome è Michael… “Chi l’ha lanciato? Chi l’ha lanciato?” Diventa fastidioso dopo un po’. E i problemi si risolvono sempre, ogni volta che il bianco va nei ghetti. Voglio vedere un film in cui le cose non funzionano. Il bianco va nel ghetto e durante il primo giorno viene picchiato a sangue, e se ne va sconsolato: “Queste persone non si possono aiutare, cazzo! “Vai lì, tenti di fare qualcosa di bello… Non mi hanno nemmeno avvertito. “Ecco la prescrizione per gli antidolorifici!” L’altro giorno ho visto una cosa che non vedevo da molto tempo. Ho visto un cane con le palle. Ve li ricordate? Non ne vedevo uno dalla fine degli anni ’90. Ero seduto e pensavo: “I cani erano soliti avere le palle, adesso me lo ricordo!” Davi gomitate ai tuoi amici: “Ehi, guardate quelle palle!” e tutti ridevano. Ad un certo punto è diventato socialmente accettabile tagliare le palle del tuo cane indipendentemente dal fatto che stesse creando problemi o meno, adducendo delle motivazioni infondate tipo: “Se non lo facciamo scoperà un altro cane, “nasceranno altri cani, e che ne faremo di tutti questi cani? “Non avranno una casa. Che cosa faremo?” Mi piace quella domanda: “Che cosa faremo?” Sono animali, basta lasciarli andare. Non avranno alcun problema. Hanno zanne, artigli, formeranno dei branchi, limiteranno il problema dell’obesità in questo paese. Esci barcollando da un fast food ed un branco di rottweiler inizia ad inseguirti, sei costretto a correre fino al tuo SUV e ad entrare dal finestrino in stile ‘Hazzard’… Sono un fautore delle palle dei cani! È vero. Non penso che ci sia nulla di sbagliato. I cani dovrebbero poter scopare chi vogliono. È ridicolo. Io volevo un cane. Morivo dalla voglia di avere un cane, e subito la mia ragazza mi disse: “Se vogliamo un cane, dobbiamo farlo sterilizzare”. – Perché dovremmo farlo sterilizzare? – È ciò che bisogna fare! – Non sei una veterinaria! – Nemmeno tu! “Bene, allora è una situazione di stallo. Nessuno di noi sa di che cazzo sta parlando, “per cui evitiamo di asportare parti dell’animale!” Naturalmente, in quanto femmina, doveva dimostrare che avessi torto. Ha preso un libro… “Ok. Vedi? Lo dice proprio qui: “se fai sterilizzare il tuo cane, ha meno probabilità di essere aggressivo. Ok? “No, ascolta. Sei proprio uno stronzo. Ascolta! “Poi dice che è meno probabile che rovini i mobili”. Le dissi: “Tesoro, quando eravamo bambini, avevamo un cane. Aveva le palle. “Ok, certo, di tanto in tanto ti scopava la gamba, “ma in genere bazzicava in giro, chiedeva del cibo, quando tornavo a casa era contento di vedermi… “Non indossava un impermeabile per potersi masturbare! “Ha vissuto per 15 anni senza incidenti, ed aveva le palle. “Nessuna molestia sessuale, niente di niente”. Penso che sia strano che gli uomini tentino di controllare la popolazione animale. Ogni volta che la popolazione dei cervi cresce eccessivamente, un tizio va in TV e dice: “Allora, la popolazione dei cervi è di circa 1.700, 1.800 unità. “Realisticamente, abbiamo bisogno di ridurre quel numero di circa 300 unità, va bene? “A partire domani, se avete una pistola, sparate loro in faccia, cazzo! Sono seduto sul divano e penso: “I cervi cosa stanno facendo di così deleterio per l’ambiente?” “Mangeranno tutta l’erba, cazzo! “Arriveranno fino agli alberi, e poi li rosicchieranno!” I cervi non sono la causa del buco dell’ozono, va bene? Non sono stati i cani ad intasare le autostrade. Siamo stati noi, giusto? Possiamo scopare quanto vogliamo. Nessuno la smetterà. Puoi avere 15 figli ed un 16esimo in arrivo, nessuno andrà in TV a dire: “Va bene, Paul sta ancora scopando! “A partire da domani, se avete una pistola, sparategli in faccia, cazzo! “Fate quello che dovete fare, quel tizio è fuori controllo!” No, è fantastico. È fantastico. Puoi continuare a scopare, mettendo al mondo un inutile, mediocre, incapace bambino dopo l’altro. Non capisco quella gente: non ti rendi conto dopo il tuo terzo bambino sfigato di non avere il DNA adatto per procreare qualcuno di speciale? Che cazzo fai? Stai solo creando gente che guarda per aria e che ti intralcia mentre cammini sul marciapiede, o il tizio che ogni volta in cui andate in gastronomia è davanti a voi e non sa quel che vuole… “Uh, che tipo di pane è?” Smettetela di far nascere gente del genere, cazzo! Gesù Cristo, quel tizio è ovunque. È per questo che amo le persone anziane. Ti mostrano sempre le loro foto di famiglia, mi fa troppo ridere. Sono orgogliosissimi: “Abbiamo cinque figli, che a loro volta hanno cinque figli a testa”. “Già, e nessuno di voi ha fatto un cazzo nella vita! “Non riconosco nessuno in quella foto. “Hai generato 30 persone che fanno una cagata che finisce in un fiume ogni giorno. “Non è una foto di famiglia. È un disastro ambientale, e tu l’hai incorniciato”. Questa è la mia soluzione per il riscaldamento globale. Tutti stanno parlando di auto e petrolio, ma non sono quelli i problemi. Ci sono troppe persone che lo fanno. Se vuoi aiutare l’ambiente smettila di scopare. Cioè, non smettere di scopare, ma almeno tiralo fuori prima di venire. Puoi comunque divertirti, giusto? Ma devi smettere di guardare i bambini come se fossero cose carine: non lo sono. Sono carini, ma la maggior parte di loro crescerà e finirà per diventare un altro coglione in un SUV che non va sufficientemente avanti in un incrocio. Ora devi aspettare che il semaforo diventi verde di nuovo per girare a sinistra, e tu stai impazzendo, urlando al parabrezza, per colpa di questo tizio che non aveva bisogno di esistere. Non c’è ragione per cui quel ragazzo debba esistere, eppure è lì. Non lo so… Questo è il mio piano. Dovremmo rendere i bambini illegali per i prossimi 25/30 anni. Non sarebbe fantastico? Pensateci. Tre persone nascono ogni secondo, mentre una sola persona muore. Quindi se non sta nascendo nessuno qualcuno è appena morto, giusto? Qualcuno è appena caduto dalle scale. Qualcuno è appena inciampato su di uno skateboard. E sapete che succede? L’autostrada improvvisamente si svuota, cazzo. Arrivi al lavoro un po’ prima, sei di buon umore… Bisogna far scendere la popolazione a 30.000 persone. Un mondo con 30.000 persone sarebbe una figata. Si gioca il Superbowl? Tutti possono andare allo stadio. Tutti possono andarci. Ci sono 22 giocatori in campo: le probabilità di giocare nella NFL sono pazzesche. Anche se sei scarso puoi comunque placcare qualcuno sui punts, oppure essere un wedge breaker, o il tizio che regge l’indicatore del down. “Già, anch’io sto facendo qualcosa, cazzo!” Non avresti bisogno di riciclare i rifiuti. Se ci fossero 30.000 persone al mondo, tutti potrebbero guidare il proprio carro armato. Potresti guidare un carro armato, gettando rifiuti tossici dalla torretta. Potresti sparare in testa ad un’aquila calva: “Eh, ce ne sono un sacco! “Stanno ricoprendo di guano il mio carro armato! Cos’altro potevo fare, cazzo?” Ascoltate, gente. Io non leggo, ok? Seriamente. Non mi documento su niente di ciò che dico. Ma fra tutte le stronzate di cui parlo, penso che questo discorso sia davvero sensato. Sto eliminando persone ma nessuno deve morire. Smettetela di fare… Diventeremo come la Cina. Sono oltre un miliardo, sono stracolmi. Ogni giorno è come stare in metro. Devi stare in piedi, non puoi nemmeno addormentarti. Sono stracolmi. Non ci avete mai pensato? Prima di tutto, quant’è facile farla franca dopo aver commesso un reato in Cina? Se rubi il portafoglio a qualcuno non hai nemmeno bisogno di scappare: ti basta tornare in mezzo alla folla. Il tizio urla: “Qualcuno ha appena rubato il mio portafoglio! “È proprio lì! È proprio lì! “Ha i capelli neri, è alto 1 e 65 ed è vestito come i tizi de Le iene, è proprio lì!” È lì che siamo diretti. Quanti altri centri commerciali si possono costruire? Posti dove comprare ciambelle e dove la gente si sistema le unghie. Tutti sono eccitati… “Questa zona è davvero carina!” Le persone stanno scopando e stanno costruendo altri edifici del cazzo. Devo mettere la testa a posto. Sono davvero ad un punto critico della mia vita. È vero, dico sul serio. Sono uno psicopatico, cazzo. Me ne sono reso conto. Non sono sposato, e sto per arrivare a quell’età critica in cui dovrò scegliere una strada. O mi sposerò, o diventerò il vecchio raccapricciante che bazzica nei bar, coi peli del petto rossi che fanno capolino… Sul serio, non so cosa c’è di sbagliato in me. Penso di essere rimasto single troppo a lungo, sono brutale. C’è un punto cruciale quando si rimane single troppo a lungo, cioè quando il cervello passa da: “Meglio non dirlo” a: “Fanculo, dillo, vediamo che succede!” E una volta attraversata quella linea la malvagità che salta fuori… Penso che le donne siano fantastiche. Non voglio che pensiate che io le odii, So di essere uno psicopatico, ma penso che siano implacabili. Ogni giorno ti stanno addosso. Si svegliano, hanno un programma della giornata, sono come dei robot psicopatici che non finiscono mai le batterie, e ogni giorno… Continuano a starti addosso! E devi averci a che fare ogni singolo giorno! Ogni giorno, sono come onde che colpiscono una spiaggia e che erodono un po’ della tua vita. Centimetro dopo centimetro. “Perché esci con lui? Beve troppo!” “Dove hai comprato questo? È brutto, buttalo via!” Finché un giorno stai galleggiando nel bel mezzo di una laguna con le tue figurine del baseball, e gesticoli ai tuoi amici sulla riva: “Prendetemi i biglietti! Mi piace ancora lo sport! “Eccola che arriva. Ehi, tesoro, come stai?” Sto cercando di imparare a scegliere le mie battaglie con la mia ragazza. Ero solito litigare sempre. Sto cercando di imparare a scegliere le battaglie. Alcuni giorni, ti stanno addosso, devi lasciar stare e seguirle in qualsiasi stronzata vogliano fare. “Facciamo un picnic! Facciamo un picnic!” In certi casi devi opporre resistenza, creare una barriera su cui rimbalzino, in modo da indirizzare quell’energia psicopatica in un’altra direzione, e guadagnare un paio d’ore di libertà prima che rimbalzino da qualche parte e ricomincino a starti addosso… “Vai a trovare i miei!” Sono implacabili. Non la smettono mai, e non hanno alcun motivo per smetterla. Sapete perché? Perché non si può picchiarle! È quello il motivo. Pensateci. Non ci sono conseguenze fisiche se fai cazzate e sei una donna. Sapete quanto farei il coglione se fosse socialmente inaccettabile picchiarmi a sangue? Romperei i coglioni a chiunque! Se vedessi qualche energumeno gli farei cadere il frullato di proteine… “Fanculo!” Ma non posso farlo, giusto? Ogni uomo ha una linea, e se supera quella linea gli arriva un cazzotto in faccia. Totalmente accettabile. Ma per le donne la linea non esiste. Possono continuare a starti addosso… Possono fare cose meritevoli di un suplex e rimanere sul luogo del delitto. Non hanno nemmeno la decenza di scappare. Danno alle fiamme i tuoi vestiti… “Tadà! Sono stata io! “Già! E sono così fiera del mio lavoro “che sono rimasta in zona per vedere la tua reazione. “Ho invitato un paio di amici per prenderti per il culo “mentre tenti di spegnere le fiamme a piedi nudi”. Se ti rigano l’auto ci mettono la firma: “È stata Suzie!” “Posso almeno farle una headlock?” No, mi dispiace che le donne non possano provare quella sensazione. Dovreste picchiarvi l’una con l’altra, una volta ogni tanto. Così, dal nulla, tirare un pugno in faccia ad una vostra amica. Vi farà bene. Lo so, fa male. Non puoi sentire il naso, le tue orecchie fischiano, ma vi sgombrerà la mente, così sarete costrette a valutare voi stesse. Giuro su Dio, ogni volta che ho preso un pugno in faccia mi sono sempre incazzato, ma ad un certo punto durante il ritorno a casa ho sempre pensato: “Mi son comportato da coglione! “Adesso che ci penso, probabilmente non avrei dovuto dire quell’ultima stronzata!” Così fate quella sistemazione… “Questo tizio è uno stronzo. Non posso credere che abbia detto…”. A dir il vero la mia ragazza mi diede un pugno in faccia a San Valentino, qualche anno fa. Già. Volete sentire questa storia? È fantastica. Ecco quanto sono coglione. Posso addirittura dire ad una ragazza che la amo, darle un regalo, e in qualche modo, alla fine della serata, lei mi prende comunque a pugni. Non ricordo cos’è successo. Lei ha detto qualche cazzata, io ho detto altre cazzate, lei ha detto ancora cazzate, al che ho detto: “Fanculo, adesso faccio la giocata!” Ho detto l’ultima cazzata, in un attimo lei è volata fino a me, coi pugni chiusi. E in un primo momento lei mi colpì in questa zona. Il che è accettabile, giusto? È una vacanza, non roviniamola, cazzo! Devo ammetterlo, stavo bloccando la maggior parte dei pugni in un primo momento, facevo la ‘Rope-a-dope’, mi appoggiavo, le afferravo la testa, la spingevo, dicendo stronzate, cercando di stancarla… E poi, tutto ad un tratto, lei ha mirato in alto, cazzo. BAM! E mi ha colpito proprio sulla tempia. La cosa che fa più male, non è il fatto che mi abbia colpito, ma che, dopo avermi colpito, non ha avuto nemmeno la decenza di mettersi in guardia, come se potesse succedere qualcosa. Sapeva che non sarebbe successo nulla. È contro le regole. Quindi non solo mi ha colpito in faccia, ha iniziato ad urlarmi in faccia come se fosse un lottatore della UFC, indicandomi… Oh, è stato brutale. Poi ha iniziato a rompere alcuni oggetti. Ovviamente erano tutti miei, ed io ero fermo lì: “Ok, non la guardare negli occhi, rimani immobile, lascia che si calmi. “Fantastico. Sono dei ricordi del liceo che significavano molto per me, evidentemente non per te. “È divertente. Se facessi una cosa del genere ci sarebbe un poliziotto con un ginocchio piantato sulla mia schiena “ma evidentemente hai una vagina, quindi non ci son problemi. “Devo star fermo qui “mentre tu rompi tutte le mie cose”. Dev’essere colpa mia. Litigo troppo spesso. Ho litigato con una ragazza l’altro giorno. Avete mai conosciuto qualcuno, che appena dopo avervi incontrato, pensa di sapere tutto di voi? “Sai qual è il tuo problema?” E voi avreste una gran voglia di prendere la loro testa e ficcarla in quel che stanno mangiando e tenerla schiacciata lì per un secondo, e sentire il panico nella parte posteriore della testa mentre le bolle d’aria diventano sempre meno frequenti? Avete mai pensieri strani come quello? Pensieri violenti e casuali… Volevo dare una gomitata in faccia ad una vecchietta l’altro giorno. È stato incredibile. Giuro su Dio. Stavo per scendere da un aereo. Conoscete le regole. Quando si scende dall’aereo, si scende fila dopo fila. E questa signora deve aver pensato: “Ho 90 anni, posso superare tutti!” Così ha cominciato ad ondeggiare intorno a me. Io sono competitivo e mi son fatto valere. Stavo prendendo il mio bagaglio, giuro su Dio, in questo modo. Stavo occupando l’intera navata, e tutto ad un tratto…”Faccio il giro”, ed ha iniziato ad ondeggiare intorno a me, e il mio gomito ha pensato: “Non fai niente a riguardo? “È un tiro a porta vuota. Basta darle un colpo rapido, non se ne accorgerà! “Lei cadrà a terra, tu potrai camuffare…”. Ma non l’ho fatto. Ho tenuto il mio corpo sotto controllo: “Non posso farlo! Sarebbe sbagliato!” Credevo di essere in controllo, ma mentre mi stava superando ho sentito il mio piede che pensava: “Possiamo farla inciampare!” Sempre così… Non l’ho fatto. Qualcuno ha appena emesso un gemito. Non l’ho fatto! Non pensate mai a stronzate del genere? Non vi capita mai di camminare per strada e vedere qualcuno in cima ad una scala, e vi vien voglia di agitarla? Senza alcun motivo… Di veder persone che mangiano su un tavolino all’aperto divertendosi… e di aver voglia di buttar via tutto il loro cibo? È tutto quello che sto dicendo. È tutto quello che sto dicendo. Era uno di quei momenti. Questa ragazza mi stava infastidendo. Stava mangiando qualcosa, ed ho immaginato di ficcarle la faccia nel piatto. Va bene, questo è fondamentalmente quel che è successo. Ha cercato di dire che ero omofobo. Penso che sia una stronza, e questa è la storia. Eravamo andati in una tavola calda. Avevamo appena finito di mangiare ed eravamo usciti. Stavo guardando per terra, e quando ho alzato la testa c’erano questi due tizi che ci davano dentro. E non ero pronto, cazzo. Ecco tutto. Non ero pronto. Se noleggio Brokeback Mountain, o se sto camminando nel Village, posso preparare il mio cervello per quello che potrei vedere, ma non ero pronto, cazzo. Avevo appena mangiato delle patatine fritte. Stavo pensando: “Ah, devo andare in palestra”. Stavo pensando ai fatti miei, e quando ho alzato lo sguardo questi due tizi, di cui un barbuto, ci stavano dando dentro. per cui appena ho visto la scena ho detto: “Bleah!” ed ho distolto lo sguardo. Questo è tutto quello che ho fatto. Molto velocemente. E questa ragazza mi guardò schifata: “Oh mio Dio, che hai? Sei omofobo?” “No, non sono omofobo. Non ho alcun odio in quell’area”. “E allora cos’era quel gesto?” “Era solo una cosa visiva”. – Cosa stai dicendo? – Mettila in questo modo. “La prima volta che ho visto un porno avevo 14 anni. “Non avevo idea di che cosa fosse la pecorina, “ma il secondo in cui l’ho vista, il mio cervello pensò:’Questa è una bomba!’ “Voglio farlo, cazzo. Prima o poi convincerò una donna a farlo con me!” Il mio cervello approvava, il mio cazzo era duro: tutto conveniva nel dire che quella fosse una cosa meravigliosa, pur non avendo idea di cosa fosse. Per la stessa ragione, se in qualsiasi momento durante quel porno, qualcuno avesse iniziato a baciare i piedi di qualcuno, o a succhiare le dita dei piedi, mi avrebbe fatto schifo! Ma questo non significa che io odio i piedi e non li voglio nel mio quartiere. Significa solo che non mi piacciono quelle cose. Vale lo stesso discorso per i gay. Non c’è odio nel mio cuore verso i gay. Sono simpatici, sono divertenti, generalmente sono puliti. Ho un sacco di cose positive da dire sul loro conto. Se si trasferiscono nel tuo quartiere il valore degli immobili sale, perché lo rendono favoloso. Non si possono riprodurre, così non creano altra gente che si piazza in mezzo ai coglioni. Sono meravigliosi per l’ambiente. Dio li benedica. Ma fino a dove può spingersi il politicamente corretto? Guardando una cosa che sta facendo pensare al mio cervello: “Guarda da un’altra parte, cazzo!” dovrei far finta di niente ed invece tifare per la loro relazione: “Whooo! Palpagli il culo! “Strofina le dita tra i suoi peli del petto!” È ridicolo. Volete dirmi che nessun gay camminando per strada e vedendo due etero che limonavano abbia mai pensato: “Oddio, perché?” E se ne sia andato schifato. Non puoi farci niente.​ ​Dipende da come il cervello è cablato, giusto? Il suo pensa: “Patata? Bleah!” Il mio invece pensa: “Cazzo? Bleah!” Ma non c’è odio in questo. Non riuscivo proprio a spiegarlo a questa tizia, cazzo. “Sei omofobo”. Ecco un altro esempio: avete mai visto un tizio enorme che mangia un panino? E che poi si sporca con un po’ di senape sull’angolo della bocca? Guardate da un’altra parte, cazzo. Ma questo non significa che volete che si soffochi col panino e che volete chiamare un gruppo di amici per picchiarlo a sangue, giusto? Qualsiasi cosa su cui posi la bocca è la cosa più intima al mondo, giusto? Non c’è una via di mezzo. È o “Sì!”, o “Fanculo!” Non c’è una via di mezzo… “Beh… Palle!” E vi inserite nella situazione. Quando guardi un porno, ci sono un tizio ed una tizia, ma tu non guardi il tizio. Anche se è proprio lì, guardi solo la ragazza, pensando: “Esatto! Ecco cosa le farei anch’io!”, giusto? Ma se si togliesse la ragazza, e ci fosse solo un ragazzo che scopa l’aria penseresti: “Questa roba è orribile!” Per cui quando sto guardando due tizi che si baciano, è una situazione di stallo. Non posso inserirmi in quella situazione. Non è orribile, vero? Significa che sono pazzo? Sapete cosa mi piace di questa battuta? L’avete capita dopo il primo esempio, ma ho sentito comunque il bisogno di farvene altri 58. Devo mettere la testa a posto. Ecco il problema. Dovrei tornare di nuovo a fare terapia. Non riesco proprio a fare terapia. Ci ho provato… Quando comincio a raccontare le mie storie inizio a ridere, cazzo. E poi lo psicologo mi guarda perplesso. – Dai, è divertente! – No, è orribile! Stava cercando di farmi abbattere le barriere… Finalmente, durante una sessione di terapia, cominciai ad emozionarmi un po’, e poi, tutto ad un tratto, egli mi disse: “Va bene, respira…”. E in un secondo il mio cervello pensò: “Che imbecille!” e le barriere si sono formate nuovamente. Non so, forse sto solo lottando. Forse questo è ciò che sono. Mi piacciono le Corvette. Forse dovrei iniziare a raggranellare un po’ di soldi? Non pensate mai a queste cose? Non so come facciate a rimanere sposati. So che avete la felice foto di famiglia. Ci avete mai pensato? Chiudere la testa nella porta del garage, entrare in coma, tutto felice… Ok, evidentemente questo è un pubblico felice. Sono l’unico che pensa queste cose? Va bene. Mi piacciono le cose assurde. Mi piace quando succedono cose pazze, tipo negli sport. Amo guardare lo sport. Amo tutte le cose in cui la gente bara, tipo con gli steroidi. Sono pro-steroidi. Non me ne frega un cazzo. Non me ne frega un cazzo sul serio. Non so cosa stia facendo Barry Bonds, ma qualsiasi cosa stia facendo, spero che continui a farla. Spero che diventi un grande muscolo pettorale con una mazza che spunta fuori. e continui a spedire palline fuori campo. Chi se ne fotte? La gente bara fin dall’inizio. Guardavo il baseball negli anni ’70. La metà dei giocatori tirava bamba. Non credete che aiutasse a vedere la palla un po’ meglio? Sei concentrato a livelli assurdi: “Posso vedere ogni cucitura della pallina! È una palla curva! Adesso la mando fuori campo!” Al 12esimo inning sei ancora bello pimpante: “Quella polvere è pazzesca!” Mi piacciono tutte quelle cose. Mi piace quando la gente cade dalla tribuna superiore, quando gli atleti prendono a pugni persone sugli spalti… Voglio dire, il divertimento è quello per me. Mi piace quel momento ‘Jimmy il greco’ che accade nello sport. Una volta ogni quattro o cinque anni, un 50/55enne bianco cerca di spiegare perché i neri facciano il culo ai bianchi in praticamente ogni sport di rilievo. Succede sempre la stessa cosa. Ci sono tre tizi bianchi, e quello in mezzo è quello che ha una teoria: “A quanto pare questi atleti afro-americani, “sembra che abbiano questa rapida contrazione, “della fibra muscolare. C’è una contrazione lenta ed una contrazione rapida…”. Ed appena lo dice, gli altri due tizi bianchi escono dal campo visivo della telecamera: “Ok, sta per essere licenziato, ed io non voglio far parte di questo highlight. “È stato bello conoscerti, Ned”. E il tizio nel mezzo naviga con decisione verso il licenziamento. Comincia a tirar fuori la schiavitù. “Evidentemente, se gli uomini più forti procreano “con le donne più forti, rapida contrazione, bla bla bla”. Letteralmente venti minuti più tardi, quel tizio è in TV, ed è già stato licenziato. Sta piangendo. La sua famiglia è lì. Ha una scatola con gli oggetti della sua scrivania con un Emmy che spunta fuori. “Non so quel che ho detto. Stavo solo parlando della contrazione veloce e della contrazione lenta, “stavo solo cercando di fare un ragionamento”. Adoro quelle cose. Mi piace vedere la gente che rovina la propria carriera in quel modo. È divertente. In più, devo ammetterlo, in quanto bianco, a qualche livello, devo credere a questa teoria, perché… I bianchi sono davvero così scarsi a basket? Non riesco più nemmeno a guardare la N.B.A. In ogni highlight, il bianco è messo così mentre il nero gli agita i coglioni in faccia. Sono seduto a casa, pensando: “Per l’amor di Dio, stendi quel tizio! “Gesù Cristo, togliti di mezzo. “Non ti sei ancora stancato di quei due coglioni che volano sopra la tua testa? “Sai che andrai su ‘Sport Center’, togliti di mezzo!” Ci deve essere qualcosa di vero in quella teoria. Ho visto in TV un programma sugli schiavi fuggiaschi. È stato uno dei programmi più belli che abbia mai visto in vita mia. Quando uno schiavo fuggiva, non bastava che corresse fino al cancello per poter dire: “Fanculo a quel lavoro” ed iniziare a camminare tranquillamente. Doveva percorrere interi stati, con dei cani che lo inseguivano, saltando ostacoli, nuotando… Quelli erano i primi triatleti, cazzo! Non c’era nessuno ad aiutarli. Non c’era un tizio sul lato della strada che diceva: “Andiamo! Ancora due stati e sei in Ohio. Bevi. Dai che ce la fai!” Ti dovevi arrangiare. C’è da meravigliarsi? 250/300 anni di quelle cose, e io dovrei far meglio di voi in educazione fisica? Non può accadere. Io discendo da centinaia di anni di alcolisti. Ho mezzo fegato… Sapete cos’è divertente secondo me? So che quella teoria è pazza, ma non si può dire quanto le persone di colore siano brave negli sport. Tutti si sentono a disagio, ed io non capisco il perché, visto che è un complimento. Sentite il disagio che c’è nell’aria adesso. Da quando ho iniziato questo ragionamento… Sto dicendo qualcosa di positivo, giusto? Ho visto un allenatore cacciarsi nei guai per quel motivo. La sua squadra perdeva sempre. Non riuscivano a vincere, e ogni settimana la stampa gli metteva sempre più pressione. Il tizio era agitato ed ebbe un momento di onestà. “Perché non riuscite a vincere nemmeno una partita?” Lui disse: “L’attacco non segna, la difesa è troppo lenta… “Dobbiamo ingaggiare più neri in questa squadra”. E subito tutti: “Che cosa, che cosa?” Tutti impazzirono, come se non avessero idea di ciò che quel tizio stava dicendo. Guardate ‘Sport Center’? Avete visto le olimpiadi? Io amo i 100 metri piani. Ci son sempre nove tizi neri, ed un pesce fuor d’acqua bianco in corsia otto. Ed io penso: “Andiamo amico, una volta. Solo una volta. “Vinci il bronzo. Fai quel che devi fare”. E il tizio bianco rimane sempre con loro fino alla prima curva. Poi gli esplode un ginocchio. Gli altri otto tizi neri volano fino al traguardo… Dov’è quel tizio alle prossime olimpiadi? È nella cabina di commento. La sua carriera è finita. Fa il commentatore: “Sì, sarà una grande gara. “Ancora non riesco a sentire le mie dita dei piedi”. Non capisco. È un complimento. Sto dicendo che sei veloce. Questa è una cosa positiva, giusto? La gente si arrabbia: “Parli come se fosse tutto ciò che possiamo fare. Stai dicendo che non possiamo essere scienziati”. Non è vero. Sto solo dicendo che se ci fosse una gara verso il microscopio, voi stronzi vincereste. Sto dicendo che siete veloci. Arrivereste prima. Il vostro camice svolazzerebbe nel vento… Io arriverei tre minuti più tardi, con crampi ovunque… “Cosa stai guardando, batteri? No, vai tu per primo. Gesù Cristo! “Quel tizio è una Volvo con le scarpe da ginnastica! Non avevo mai visto niente del genere!”. Litigo sempre su questi argomenti. Sempre. I miei amici mi chiedono: “Perché ogni volta che un atleta nero fa qualcosa, dicono che è una mossa atletica, ed ogni volta che un atleta bianco fa qualcosa dicono che è una mossa intelligente?” Il ragionamento è corretto. Dipende da quello che han fatto. Se anticipi le mosse della difesa, bianco o nero, è una mossa intelligente, Ma se stacchi i piedi da terra sulla linea del tiro libero, salti nove tizi e schiacci quei nove tizi non stanno pensando: “Cazzo, perché non ci ho pensato prima? “Io cerco di dribblare gli avversari”. Stanno pensando: “È un supereroe! “Dovrebbe avere un mantello svolazzante nel vento, con una grande S sul petto…”. Ve lo dico io, è la cosa buffa di Hitler. Lasciatemi finire. Lasciate che vi spieghi questa mia idea. La mia clip sportiva preferita è quella con Jesse Owens. La amo, perché tutte le loro teorie erano una cazzata. Ha fatto sì che Hitler se ne andasse nel terzo quarto. Ha abbassato il suo indice ed è uscito dallo stadio, cazzo. Gesù Cristo. Continuavano a dire: “Creeremo una razza superiore!” Penso che per sbaglio l’abbiamo già fatto. Abbiamo inviato un gruppo selezionato di persone in palestra ogni giorno per un paio di centinaia d’anni. Sta pagando i dividendi. Ci schiacciano in testa ogni giorno, cazzo. Quant’è stato silenzioso quel ritorno a casa in limousine con Hitler? Di sicuro era esaltato quando stavano andando allo stadio. Era tutto gasato… “Domineremo ogni gara! Sieg heil!”. Era scatenato. Durante l’intero viaggio di ritorno è rimasto seduto lì, in silenzio. Sei seduto accanto ad un Adolf Hitler ancora più arrabbiato del solito. cercando di parlare del più e del meno: “È una bella giornata, non è vero?” Devo ammetterlo. Sono affascinato da Hitler. Come cazzo ha fatto quel tizio a conquistare il potere? Sembra di buon umore, in almeno una di quelle clip? In ognuna di esse urla, con i capelli che ondeggiano… Nessuno, anche ai suoi esordi, ha mai detto: “Forse è una mia impressione, ma questo tizio “sembra un po’ pazzo, vero? Sembra spastico! “Figa-repellente. Non può neanche avere donne intorno”. I matti possono conquistare le cose. Ecco il problema. Le persone normali, non so… Non dicono nulla. L’avete mai notato? Se su un autobus ci sono 30 persone normali, un pazzo può prendere in ostaggio l’intero bus. Sei seduto lì… Tutto va alla grande. Poi un matto inizia ad urlare. E appena ciò accade, tutte le persone iniziano a piagnucolare: “Oh mio Dio!” Impazziscono tutti. Perché non lo riempiono di botte? Ogni persona normale dovrebbe avere uno straccio imbevuto di cloroformio nella tasca anteriore della camicia, ed appena succede qualsiasi cosa pazzesca, se sei dietro di lui, devi agire. Lo tiri fuori e stendi il tizio. Tutti gli saltano addosso e poi lo legano. Poi gli tatuate “forse il prossimo Hitler” sulla fronte. Lo tenete d’occhio! No, ma è difficile farsi valere. Ecco il problema. Ero in un supermercato Target, l’altro giorno. Non me ne vanto. È vero. Sono lì con un mio amico. Lavora come buttafuori in alcune bettole, quindi conosce un bel po’ di teppisti. E, casualmente, uno di loro entra in quel momento, così il mio amico lo saluta: “Ehi, come va?” E questo tizio, invece di rispondere: “Oh, abbastanza bene” si è lanciato in un’invettiva contro gli immigrati, nel bel mezzo del supermercato. “Come va? Te lo dico io come va! “Questi dannati messicani continuano a venire in questo paese per rubarci i lavori!” Immediatamente, tutti i clienti: “Oh, M&Ms! Leggiamo il retro della confezione per un po’. “Wow, guarda! Glucosio! È ancora lì? Non voglio guardare. Ho guardato l’ultima volta. “È il tuo turno di guardare. Non voglio guardare”. Questo ragazzo era scatenato. Nessuno ha fatto un cazzo, me compreso. Io lo stavo ignorando. Anche i cassieri del supermercato continuavano a far finta di nulla. “Tre calzini per un dollaro, incredibile! Pensa che dopo pioverà?” Era un classico momento-cloroformio. Questo tizio sembrava Hitler ad una serata a microfono aperto, era scatenato. Stava imparando come mettere insieme i pensieri. Come arringare le folle. Qualcuno avrebbe dovuto arrivare… Gettare alcune caramelle per terra in modo da farlo cadere. Questo è tutto. È finita. Ma nessuno ha fatto un cazzo. Di sicuro c’era un dipendente del supermercato, un pazzo che guardava da dietro uno scaffale: “Mi piace questo tizio. Sta dicendo delle cose sensate!” Lo segue fino al parcheggio. Saltano nella sua El Camino. Ora sono in due! Io credo alla teoria della cospirazione. Voi ci credete? Avete letto qualcosa a riguardo? Penso che i fast food siano parte della congiura. Penso che contribuiscano a mantenerci stupidi. Non si riesce nemmeno a pensare dopo un po’. Vi è mai capitato di avere tutta la giornata pianificata, mangiare un Egg McMuffin, e rimanere sul divano: “Fanculo ai miei sogni. Rimango qui per un po’, “mi stiracchio, cazzeggio…”. È incredibile. Il cibo sano… Non si può nemmeno sentirne l’odore. Ho un sacchetto di mele proprio di fronte al mio viso, con gli occhi chiusi: non riesco a sentirne l’odore. A 350 chilometri di distanza: “È un Kentucky Fried Chicken? Chi ha voglia di pollo?” E ne mangi un secchiello. Avete notato che ogni volta che il governo fa una cazzata, tutto ad un tratto da McDonald spunta un nuovo panino? Sei seduto davanti alla TV, urlando: “Come possono perdonare tutti questi amministratori? “Oh, il nuovo McRib! Lo voglio provare cazzo!” E ti abbuffi… Comunque, sì. Faccio un sacco di pensieri folli. È vero. Questo è il più recente che ho avuto. Vi è mai capitato di guidare, vedere 30 persone su un marciapiede, e pensare… Non lo fai. Lo pensi e basta. Ecco cosa separa gli psicopatici dagli psicopatici funzionali. Gli psicopatici pensano: “Fanculo”, e lo fanno. Puliscono il parabrezza con i tergicristalli, e danno un senso alla loro giornata. Ma, in quanto psicopatico funzionale, non solo non lo fai ma analizzi quel pensiero: se lascio la mia mano qui, nessuno sa chi sono. Se la muovo di due gradi in questa direzione, sono sulla copertina di ‘Newsweek’. Sono immediatamente famoso. Qui, nessuno mi conosce. Solo un comune imbecille: “Ehi Bill, vuoi venire alla grigliata? “Potresti portare l’insalata di patate. È stata un grande successo l’anno scorso”. “Una delle scene più orribili che abbiamo visto negli ultimi anni”. “Dovresti venire. Ci sarà anche Amy. “Potresti parlarci e chiederle di uscire”. “Nessun segno di frenata!” Faccio sempre quel genere di pensieri. Recentemente la mia ragazza mi ha portato ad una fiera di strada. Siete mai stati ad una fiera di strada? Chiudono le strade del quartiere, c’è il tizio che fa i kebab, ci son cianfrusaglie fatte con dei bottoni, persone senza denti che fanno portachiavi… È una tipica idea da fidanzata. Fa schifo, ed impegnerà tutto il sabato, giusto? Lei è eccitatissima, fa oscillare il mio braccio: “Oh mio Dio, sarà fantastico!” Io sto pregando perché cada un fulmine, che un’impalcatura mi cada sulla testa… Il primo posto in cui lei si ferma è un grande tavolo colmo di nient’altro che gioielli fatti in casa. Ci son ramoscelli e maccheroni. È una schifezza. È un tavolo di schifezze. Ma a lei piace: “Oh mio Dio, questi oggetti sono così eccentrici!”. Sta provando gli orecchini… “Ti piacciono questi?” Volevo dirle: “No! “Se fossero belli sarebbero in un negozio, va bene? “Ci sarebbe un tetto, una specie di struttura sarebbe stata costruita intorno a loro. “Questa è una schifezza. È un tavolo di schifezze”. Ma non volevo fare il coglione, per cui le ho detto: “Sono bellissimi, tesoro. Vado a prendere un po’ d’aria, ok? “Anche se siamo fuori, penso che ci sia più aria lì in fondo”. L’ho sentito, stavo per schizzare. Sono andato a due o tre tavoli di distanza, e c’era questa signora con questo grande tavolo di muffins. Muffins fatti in casa. Ci son 30 gradi, e lei era lì con questo grande tavolo di muffins. Ha questo grosso e stupido sguardo tipo: “Ehi, guardate i muffins che ho fatto”. Appena ho visto quella scena, una parte del mio cervello ha pensato: “Cosa accadrebbe se arrivassi e chiedessi: ‘Signora, sono questi i suoi muffins? Sì?’ “ed iniziassi a colpirli… BAM, BAM, BAM!” Quanti di questi muffins potrei ridurre in poltiglia prima che qualcuno faccia qualcosa? Realisticamente, penso che potrei spappolare l’intero tavolo, perché anche se tu mi vedessi comportarmi in quel modo, ti ci vorrebbero almeno 5/6 secondi per elaborare la cosa: “Hanno detto che poteva farlo? “È un gioco? Mangia i residui di muffin dal suo pugno? “Ma così buona parte dell’impasto verrà sprecata!” Non ci sono buttafuori in eventi del genere. Non c’è un tizio che dice: “Sta spappolando i muffins. Ok, ci penso io “Signore, dobbiamo chiederle di andarsene” e mi trascina via… Così ho iniziato a pensare al volto inorridito e sconvolto di questa donna che mi guardava spappolare i suoi muffins, e, dal nulla, ho iniziato a ridere come un maniaco. Mi sono accasciato su questo carretto di frittelle, stavo morendo dal ridere. La mia ragazza mi guardò e mi chiese: “Perché diavolo stai ridendo?” E, come un idiota, ho cercato di spiegarle questo pensiero folle. Come se lei potesse capirlo. Le ho detto: “Stavo pensando, “cosa succederebbe se iniziassi a spappolare i muffins? Hai capito cosa voglio dire? Spappolare i muffins…”. E lei mi ha guardato come per dire: “Perché esco con te?” Giuro su Dio, se non avessi smesso di fissarla dopo aver cominciato a colpire i muffins quella ragazza non sarebbe nemmeno riuscita a chiamare aiuto. Sarei entrato nella sua testa. Sarebbe stato troppo personale. “Ho fatto le superiori con questo ragazzo? Perché dovresti fare una cosa del genere? “I muffins sono un alimento felice. Non capisco”. Va bene, ascoltate, ho esaurito il tempo a mia disposizione, siete stati divertentissimi. Vi ringrazio per essere venuti. Lo apprezzo veramente. Grazie. Grazie mille. Grazie, grazie!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RICHARD PRYOR: …HERE AND NOW (1983) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-here-and-now-1983/

Richard Pryor will make me laugh until I cry. – I just I love his humor. – He can make anything funny. He hits home. After all, that’s why I’m here, ’cause of the people. It’s not something that was made up in some agent’s office. Tell the world go out and see Richard Pryor. The man is phenomenal. He’s the best comedian I’ve ever seen. He’s the best in the north, south, east and west. I’ve never seen him in person, but I’m gonna see him tonight. I wanna laugh till it hurts. He’s live, always live. They pull for me to do well. You know, I feel it. I admire his courage. – He’s an artist. – He’s like being at a party. – It’s like he’s telling the truth. – I like everything about Richard Pryor. – I don’t like him. I love him. – Hey, he’s just the most, man. – I think he’s the comedian of the ’80s. What can I tell ya? He’s the most from coast to coast. Richard is. Richard Pryor! There’s something in me that’s dying to express itself. The changes are so immense. It has to do with the work. What kind of shit you handing me? – Sign it. Fuck is it? I don’t know what you handing me to sign. What the fuck it say on there? Champagne list? I ain’t signing for no goddamn champagne. Here. You take this shit, boy, and you stuff this up your ass. I ain’t signing it. I’m an old man. I know about things. And I know I ain’t signing shit now. I’m up here trying to earn some money, boy. I’m working hard. For all these people, son. You know what? You remind me of– You know– Do you know Junior Shore? You any relation to Junior? You his nephew, ain’t ya? You see, I remember when you was little. You, Sarah Thompson– Yeah, that was you. You, Sarah Thompson, son of Poole… was over there in that car in the junkyard. You boys had her panties down. Didn’t you? I remember you was fucking on each other. I’m the one that told you don’t do it. Remember that? I made you leave that girl alone… ’cause she was young and pretty too. And she was sweet. Breasts smelled like Carnation milk. – What’s your name, boy? -Joe. – What? -Joe. That’s all? You brought your big ass all the way back there… and all is your name is Joe? Goddamn it. ”To Joe.” Fuck it. I thought your name would be Kunta Kinte or something. It’s a great gift to be able to laugh. I remember when I was 20, I used to could fuck all day. Quick, but all day, right? Excuse me. Pop! Thank you. Excuse me. Pardon me, miss. And I’m sober. I’m not doing drugs. That’s a damn good accomplishment. See, I stopped drinking. I haven’t had no drugs in five months, man. For real. Nothin’, right? People applauding knew me when I did drugs. ”Boy, are we glad.” I’m ahead. Wow! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! Ladies and gentlemen… the two most beautiful words in the world of comedy… Richard Pryor! Hello. Good evening. How you doin’? Welcome. Glad you come this evening. Why are there people in the aisle? Listen, these people, shit, done snuck in, fucked with your seats. Oh, boy. What’s happening? How you doing, white person? This man got eight drinks. He’s gonna– Sit your ass down. What happens– You go out and the lights was out, and you went out to get some shit. Now you don’t remember where you were sittin’. ‘Cause he see the people, come back like this. How’s our baby? How you doin’? I’m happy to be here in New Orleans. I really am. This is a beautiful theater. What? Well, thank you. Thank you, baby. Going to– You gonna out-drunk each other? Sho’ you right. I love you too. I love you back. I’m waiting for– You know, this is– Shut the fuck up. Hey! Sometimes people just want me to talk nasty to ’em, right? They get it and then they satisfied. Shit. That’s right. Talk to me like a woman. Shit. No, but this theater is something special. What, the man taking tickets? What’d he take? What kind of shit you got in your hand there, sister? Oh, they just pass out all that shit. Why are all these people coming this way and there are no seats? Oh, there’s two seats. There. They’re not taken. Please sit down. That’s right. Get in there, motherfucker. Hi. Hello. Hi. See, you sat in the right seat ’cause when the show don’t be funny… I take my dick out and piss. This is called the garden row. Yeah. No problem. No problem. So I– Them’s cameras and shit, but you know that. This is the shit we do. This is the movies. I came last night, man. I had a– You have to match the shit to the lights, right? And I came last night, man. I had on some beautiful shit. I sent it to the dude, man. They said they gonna dye it for me. You know, so it would fit with the lights. Let me show you the shit. This shit is– Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is what the shit looked like when it came back. Boy, I was mad than a motherfucker,Jack. I saw all this shit and I said, ”What the fuck happened to my jacket?” And they was very diplomatic ’cause Jim Brown brought it to me, you know… so I couldn’t jump on that motherfucker, right? I looked at the jacket and said, ”Oh, that’s nice,Jim. Shit,just the way I like my jackets.” You know, the motherfucker left. I talked about his ass too. ”Big black motherfucker. Look what he did to my jacket. Fucked my shit– Fucked my shit up.” ‘Cause he was sitting in there in the room with me… I didn’t want to fuck around ’cause his whole leg was big as me. So I say, ”Hey,Jim, shit, this is hip. I can’t wait till I put this shit on tonight.” I ain’t gonna wear this motherfucker. Fuck you, jacket. This is the set and shit. This ain’t real, now. ‘Cause there might be some tourists and shit be saying… ”Hey, there’s Bourbon Street. It look like my house.” But they fixed this shit up. In Hollywood, them motherfuckers, boy, they’re good, ain’t they? They done created an illusion. Hey, I like the way that did that. Shit. Creative. Listen, listen. This motherfucker would be fucked up,Jack. You should have this on the street when the motherfucker leave home drunk. You flip this shit out in front of your house. Right? Motherfucker come back– ”Hey, baby! Shit! Baby? Bitch, what’s happening?” But this is always the impression that people get of New Orleans, right? This Bourbon Street. Like I said. Like there ain’t no more of New Orleans. If you ain’t in the French Quarter, fuck it. But they got a whole lot of shit here. How you doin’, sir? The motherfucker walk like he dared for somebody to be in his seat. Look at him. You knew wasn’t nobody gonna be in your shit, right? This is a strange place though, New Orleans… ’cause you can’t tell what no motherfucker is down here. No, ’cause you motherfuckers look white and be black. So– And then the black ones talk that funny kind of shit. You know, you talk to ’em, say– ”What you want? You come back– You like me, yeah?” And the girls say, ”You gonna fuck me for true?” Shit like that. You know. Shit! See, you go up north, white folks don’t know what to do,Jack. ”Why, this is a different kind. Shit, he must be from Brazil or somewhere.” You know what? Down here, motherfuckers have the biggest fun of anybody. Motherfuckers have a parade, start dancin’ at a drop of a hat. Right? Just go outside in the sunshine. ”Say, have you a buzz on yet? I like it, me.” The motherfuckers start dancin’ and shit. Be 400 people be dancin’ down the street… talking about, ”The sun is shining, hey!” And I understand like you dance at funerals and shit. Have a good time. You don’t be fucking around. ”Motherfucker dead. Let’s dance his ass off. It’s a good day to die, motherfucker, ’cause we having big fun.” That’s the way to do it. It ain’t supposed to be around cryin’ and shit. Motherfucker’s gone. That’s it. You say, ”Shit, we had big fun when he was here. Ain’t no need to start crying now ’cause he’s gone.” That’s the way life is, isn’t it? Brother over here look mad. What’s the matter, they stole your seat? You had to whup somebody to get it back? You see, you come too late. Tough shit. Act a fool. You’ll get your seat. ”Where’s my motherfuckin’ seat?” Yeah, you’ll get a seat. Motherfucker say… ”No, don’t worry. We have a seat right here.” It’s just so hot down here now. You know, it get hot down here. Hey! People be in the street you don’t wanna be fucked with either. They be just walking just like– Really. ”How you doin’?” I don’t know how they had no slavery when it be hot down here… ’cause slaves would’ve quit, say, ”Hey man, fuck you. Shit. Carry that shit yourself.” I think all this shit, slaves built all this shit down in here… or carried the shit that built it, right? I looked at the Mississippi, I said, ”Motherfucker had to walk across that.” ”Get your black ass on there and walk. Carry that tree. Don’t start no shit.” You all some cold motherfuckers, boy. Your ancestors. You know, you guys didn’t do nothin’ on no holidays… or like weekends or somethin’. You motherfuckers just hanged black people, right? Be bored and shit. Motherfuckers would say– Saturday night be hot. Can’t get no pussy. ”What you wanna do? Shoot, ain’t nothin’ to do… go down to jail and string one up.” And black people be standing around, watching ’em. The guy be saying, ”Fuck that. Help me!” See, you all, if– Does it snow down here sometime? No? You’re all spoiled, see. You all don’t know about cold and shit like up in Illinois, where I’m from. You all should get some cold. I guess it get cold here, it get 50? You all get mad than a mother– ”You know it’s 50 outside, man? Shit! Done fucked up my day! Shit!” Back there in Chicago, in the Midwest, boy, it gets cold. – I’m talking cold. Make you change– – How cold? What? This ain’t Johnny Carson, motherfucker. I mean, it get cold when you go outside. The wind be waiting on your ass around the corner like this… waiting for you to come outside. ”Here he come.” And that shit, boy– I came from California. I hadn’t been home about five years, and I went back home. And I had some summer shit like this, and it was cold. That wind waited for me to get into the street. It didn’t even do nothin’ while I was walking through the airport. And soon as I got outside, it was– ”Get your shit– Put that shit up around your head. Stop fucking around.” And you can’t be prejudiced in the winter ’cause it’s too cold, right? You’d be trying to find a doorway and shit. You’d be– ”Shit! Hey, man, it cold. Be prejudice this summer. It’s all right now.” Bullshit! – Bullshit? My dick. People in the audience get hostile. You drunk, motherfucker? ”Fuck it! Bullshit!” I stopped drinking. I used to drink a lot. Stopped. It’s been seven months. That’s a strange– It was really– it’s really strange. – I don’t believe that shit. – Oh, you don’t have to. I know you ain’t gonna believe it ’cause you fucked up. ”Listen, I don’t– Hey! Shit!” No, I just thought I’d try that for a while after 20 years. Motherfucker, give yourself a break. I’ll probably die tomorrow. Trying to slow down, you know. – But it’s different. – Don’t do that! Don’t do that. Well– You fucked up, Rich! No, I just been through like a life– in your life. I guess you go through changes in your life, you know. You get one moment, and then you just fucking change. Something happened in my life fucking changed my mind about all the shit. ‘Cause I used to think I knew everything, man. I’d be fucked up. I just knew it. I knew all the shit. And all of a sudden, I don’t know shit. I’m one of the dumbest motherfuckers ever lived. If you catch me on the wrong day and ask me my name, you gonna get trouble. ”Hey, what’s your name?” ”Uh, wait. Shit. Motherfucker, don’t rush me, motherfucker. Just take it easy.” ‘Cause I feel a lot different. I feel a lot of different shit, man, you know. When I was drinking though, it was fun. I stopped drinking ’cause I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90. You know, trying to talk to the police… when your mouth don’t work. I don’t know what it is that make drunk people want to talk. But you can bet if somebody drunk, he gonna talk. You know what I mean? You ever be driving and the police ease up behind your ass… put them bright lights on you? And your brain start going, ”Don’t worry about it. Just be cool. Everything– Don’t worry. Just be cool. Now straighten up. Just put your arm– put your arm on the window. That’s right. Put your arm on the window. Be cool. Lay back. All right. Just get it together. You’re ready now. When he come up, say everything’s fine, all right? Just say everything’s fine. Everything’s fine.” Now, that’s what you say in your brain, but your mouth has made up its mind. Your mouth be saying, ”I’m going to say these words the way I fuckin’ want to.” Policeman come up talkin’ about, ”How you feeling?” ”Yeah, right. Wanna get out?” ”Shit, ain’t I out?” I had a partner they used to make walk that white line. Motherfucker mashed potatoes. Mother– ”Just fuck it! Shit!” Split and shit. I don’t know, man. I used to get drunk and try to talk. And you can never understand a drunk… and he’ll explain anything to you. Right? Police come up– ”What happened here?” Hey! I know! I was in the– Shit! I was– Wait. Hey, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Shit! See him drunk outside. Motherfucker get drunk, start cryin’ and shit. You– Shit. The motherfuckers! Motherfucker– You go home, be fucked up. You ever– – How’s your mama? – How’s my mama? I beg your pardon. I’ll slap you in the mouth with my dick. One at a time, please. I gonna finish with this motherfucker ask me about my mama. How’s your mama? You ever go home drunk and you try to get to your bed… and the house moves? You know, it just moves. I don’t know where it’s going, but it’ll be– And you can’t get to it. You say, ”Just let me get this foot moving… and I’ll make it to this fuckin’ bed.” And your mind start fuckin’ with ya. ”Don’t be sick.” Uh, I’m not gonna be sick. Goddamn it, I’m not going to be sick. ”Yes, you are.” No, I won’t. I won’t be sick. I don’t wanna be. Let me lay down on the floor. This shit– Just lay on the floor. Please, just– I’ll lay down here. I’ll be all right. Just let me take the rug and cover myself. Just– And you start prayin’ and shit, right? Oh, God. Oh, God. Don’t let me be sick, God, please. Oh, God. And you can’t find a position that’s comfortable. I don’t give a fuck where you lay when you drunk, it ain’t comfortable. Uh, here it is. Right. No, that ain’t it. I’ll just– There. That’s it. Now that’s real comfortable. Oh, God, no, please. Oh, God, I’ll never drink again. Believe me. Just let me make it to the toilet. And you crawl to the toilet bowl. Let me crawl to the toilet bowl. My place of rest. And we can make some funny-ass sounds when you get sick. You throw up, I mean, it’s unique. You never hear that shit any other time. You know, the– I never make that sound ordinarily. And you ever just– You ever heave from your nuts… like you just get– get one of them going? And it look like you become a decorator. You know, like one spot ain’t good enough. No, let’s– Over here. Get a little on your shoes. That’s nice. You wake up in your garage. Under your car. Dogs be looking at you and shit. That’s when– That’s when you know you fucked up, when your dog won’t come to you. And I don’t know– Where does that breath come from? Where does the breath come? It’s like somebody just shit in your mouth. And walked in it and shit like that. You ever wake up and it hit the pillow? You’d be sleeping, it hit your pillow, you be– And you’d be sick, your head be hurtin’ and just– You don’t wanna move. Help. Shut up. I got a motherfuckin’ hangover. ”Were you drunk last night?” Just kill me bitch, but don’t torture me. ”You need to eat some eggs.” Oh, God, no, please. I don’t know why my wives put up with my ass so long with me. ‘Cause I would get– act ignorant. I wasn’t even close to being normal. I was ignorant. I couldn’t stop drinking till the bartender said… ”We got no more fuckin’ liquor! Take your ass home, pal!” I’ve been married about four– five– four times. Married to white and black. I’m tellin’ ya– this is a bitch– there is no difference… except subtle shit you can pull on white women you can’t pull on black women. You know, like in an argument or somethin’, you can pull that shit. ”Hey, baby, it’s a black thing! I’m a black man. You do not understand or get… the motivation of the black man, you understand?” ”Oh, yes, dear. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” Black women, you cannot do that but once. And they get that motherfuckin’ head goin’. You know what I mean? ”Oh, no, motherfucker! Don’t you– That’s gonna be your ass… ’cause you shouldn’t have had the bitch in there the first time! Yeah, you bad. Now be bad now!” And then you end up, ”Hey, darling, no, dear, I was just kidding. Go over here. I won’t do anything.” I don’t mind the divorce and shit. It’s just they want the money when you get divorced. And I’ll be going, ”Wait, bitch. You ain’t told nary a joke.” They say, ”Well, maybe you’ll think this is funny.” Hand you some papers from the lawyer and shit right here. ”Holy shit, that is funny.” And you feel bad when your lawyer turn on your ass, right? He be saying, ”I think you should settle. No,just take my advice. Settle. She’s gonna say a lot of things that you don’t want known.” ”Wait. She gonna tell about me and that goat?” When I was married, man, I tried to be whatever it is. I tried to do it, whatever the fuck it is. I can’t do it. You just have to be a special kind of man to handle that shit. I can’t handle it. I mean, I go home, man… sometime my wife would start shit that I didn’t understand. You know, like, ”I don’t want those people in this house again.” What? What? ”I don’t want them here.” You’re married, you know. You say, ”Fuck it, I’m in love. Maybe I’ll try it. Maybe I’ve been wrong three other times. Shit. I’m gonna try to make this shit work. Hey, you don’t want ’em in the house, baby? Their ass ain’t gonna be in the house, okay? What? No, I’ll handle it. Don’t worry. Hey, you motherfuckers, get out! No, partner. Hey,Jack, you gotta go. Don’t come back no more, motherfuckers. ‘Cause you got somethin’. My wife’s seen it. I don’t wanna get it.” ”You gonna be all right, Rich?” ”This is it, Jack. I’m in love now. Just don’t come around no more. Meet you around the corner.” Then they start talking about come home earlier. Wait. Come home? What the fuck you talking about? ”You’re out too late and you do drugs all night and you’re just out.” ”But I be having fun. What time is a good time?” ”10:00.” Hey, man, I’m wrong. Could be. 10:00. Shit. You’d be in a restaurant, eating. Drinking fast. ”What’s the matter, Rich?” ”I gotta be home by 10:00!” Come home, be a house full of women I don’t know. Be sitting around, talking shit. Eating my food. Ask me to serve them something to drink. I’d say, ”Bitch, who are you?” ”I’m an old friend of your wife’s.” ”Yeah? Are you a nurse? ‘Cause that’s what she gonna need if you keep fucking with me.” Sometime, though– sometime you can be in love with somebody, and it’s great… then you fuck around and marry ’em. And I don’t know, somethin’ happen when woman get married, man… that you’ve been with a long time, there’s somethin’ about their attitude– ”Good morning, dear.” ”Good morning. How are you today? Have you been to the bank yet?” I’ve had some fun. I meet some strange women, being in show business. I’m glad of that, but strange. You know, I met one lady, came to my hotel room. She was a weight lifter. She was beautiful, man. And she went to the– come to the hotel room. Beautiful body. She talk all that cosmic shit. And you know, when you want some pissy– ”Pissy”? When you want some pissy– That’s the new thing. I hope to get some soon, some pissy. But you do. If you want some pussy, you’ll talk all that shit with ’em. ”Hey, yeah, sure, the cosmos, yeah. Study it often, you know.” And we got ready to make love, man. She was naked and stuff. I said, ”Boy, I’m gonna tear this pussy up.” And she got in. I got ready to get on top of her. She said… ”Oh, we’re not going to fuck.” And I always be thinking about my career or somethin’. I don’t want to be fucking around, end up in the paper. ”Man Tries to Take Pussy.” You know, ’cause that’s low-down. I don’t wanna be like that. I don’t want nobody say that– Ha ha, made you move. Stole the seat, had to move. April fool. Right? You know. But I don’t wonder why women don’t say that thing before your dick get hard. You know, when they get to the hotel: ”We’re not fucking.” Thank you. And I tell my dick. ”We’re not gonna fuck. So be cool, right? It’s just some bullshit conversation till some pussy come along. So shut up.” But they wait till your dick hard enough to cut diamonds. Then they be talking about, ”We’re not going to fuck.” ”Listen, what am I gonna do with this? I will beat your brains out with this! What do you mean?” I was readin’ something in the paper or– What, Libya? Are we fighting Libya yet or somethin’? I don’t know. I was hearing it on the news, something about Libya, Khadafy. – And Chad. – Chad. Motherfucker going somewhere to die, don’t even know the name of it. We’re going to Chad We’re going to Chad They start shootin’, you say, Get the fuck out of here That’s funny. America used to be a different kind of country… like we didn’t fuck with people smaller than us and shit. You know, but now, I mean, little Libya and shit. Look like America go, ”Shut the fuck up! Just sit your ass down somewhere. Don’t you be fuckin’ around. Just shut up, motherfucker.” But Americans act like they take that shit serious… like little Libya gonna kick our ass. ”Shut the fuck up, goddamn it.” I remember when America used to be that kind of country, right? We didn’t fuck with nobody. Now we be fuckin’ with people in El Salvador and shit. How we gonna lose? Thirty-five people in El Salvador. Right? We be sending advisors and shit, right? ”That’s how it goes, pal. Take my advice and do it that way.” I don’t know– ‘Cause this is the greatest country in the world, right? Man, we ain’t supposed to be fuckin’ with nobody. Have any of you ever been to Africa, back to the motherland? That’s something. One person held their hand up, way in the back. Two. You came from there, motherfucker. You ain’t bullshittin’. No. It’s something. I had big fun. I went to Zimbabwe. And it’s a new country, right? It’s about three years old now. It used to be Rhodesia before they killed all them white motherfuckers. It’s the only country I’ve been to black people kicked ass over there. Seven years they killed motherfuckers,Jack. They happy too. You walk down the street, they’re just smiling. ”Hello. Oh, they don’t fuck with us no more, no.” I was over there with some American brothers, man. I met an American brother. He came over there on vacation. He called home and said, ”Bitch, sell all the shit. I ain’t never coming back to that mother. Sell my motorcycle and my shirt. Bring your ass on.” We had a good time. We was sitting around talking, about four Americans. We talked about five hours. Talked about some good shit, right? And an African man asked us, we was talking, and he said… ”What language do you speak at home?” You know, we looked at each other, you know. ”What? English?” ”Everybody speak English, but what language you speak when you’re home?” One of the brothers looked at him and say, ”Uh,jive?” ‘Cause I guess that’s right. Right? You know. I don’t know where in the fuck I came from over there. No, it’s just a nice feeling. I know how white people feel in America now. Relaxed. That’s right, ’cause you hear like a police car coming… you know it ain’t coming after your ass. Right? You just– ”I wish they’d keep that goddamn noise down.” I hear it, I wake up automatically, start thinking about shit I did. ”What the motherfucker done? Oh, shit, let me see.” Till they go by, I say, ”Shit, oh, it ain’t me.” In Africa, though, I had that feeling, man. I just was comfortable. I knew the police wasn’t going to be fucking with me… unless the government changed overnight. That’s a good feeling though. You can go out. We went out into the bush and stayed– That’s like the country, you know. That’s where you see the animals and shit… ’cause the city’s just like anyplace else. But you go out in the country– You see some lions and shit. I’m talking about real lions. Not them kind you be fucking with in the zoo. You know how you go fucking with the lion. ”Hey, lion, motherfucker.” Be throwing shit at it. Lion be, ”Hey!” You don’t throw shit at them real lions, boy. If they don’t eat it, they kick your ass. And somebody always wanna go up and fuck with the lions. Tourists always want– ”Oh, George, stop here. Look at those lions. I’ve got to go stand next to them.” And the lions snapped all the ass off of’em. George would be grinning and shit, talkin’ about– ”Wanna try that again, dear? I didn’t get that one.” We saw– I saw a lion kill a water buffalo. Two women lion killed him dead… and the male lion come to eat, chasing them away, right? He come to eat, and we went to take a picture, and he didn’t like it. And he bent down and picked the water buffalo up by its nuts. He picked it up by its nuts, threw it over its head. Turned his ass to us. You know, it was like, ”Take a picture of that.” Every place I go though, man, everybody I meet, they wanna come here. They wanna come to America, all the three countries I’ve been to. I don’t wanna sound like I’ve been everywhere. You start talking to ’em, and they start talking about America. And it makes your dick hard for America. They do. They finish talking, you be saying… ”Shit. I gotta get my ass back there. We got all that shit in America?” ”Yes, you can eat I say, ”Yeah, that motherfucker right.” You got some money or a pistol, you can get something to eat. But in Africa, man, if after 9:00, if you haven’t eaten… that’s your ass till in the morning. You just be hungry, even with a pistol. There ain’t nothin’ to hold up. You’d be going, ”Stick ’em up.” ”What you gonna stick up? We got nothin’ to steal. Why don’t you go out in the bush, fuck with them lions?” And in the country, it’s nice, like if you go somewhere like– you know, you go on tours, like tourist hotel. And you’d be in the hotel, bunch of tourists and shit. And early in the morning, you hear some of the warriors come back from hunting. You hear ’em out there singing in the night. That shit’ll wake you up too,Jack. You’ll be asleep– You go outside to see that shit, see about a hundred dudes coming back. It’d be beautiful, man. And white people start asking you questions then. ”What are they saying? What are they talking about? What’s going on? Rich, you got any idea? What are they doing? There’s a hundred of them. What are they planning, anything?” I like to go– Pretend like I know what’s happening, right? ”Shh! Keep it down. Keep it down. I think you better get back in your room, sir. This could be it.” I don’t know. It’s just– It’s so different though. Things are different, like here, man. I don’t understand sometime what goes on with people here. ‘Cause like here we are here in this theater… we’re getting along real good until we go outside… then the shit change. So we just must be some crazy motherfuckers or something. ‘Cause we can get along real great for a moment and then we can’t… so that’s insanity, you know? ‘Cause we must be good all the time if we can get good for a little while. But don’t take my word for it. Ask the president. I met the president. We in trouble. I went to the White House. They had this big receiving line and shit. You know, you go by. I went for this movie, Superman, you know. I was standing in line and shit, and I say… ”I know the motherfucker didn’t invite me. I’m just here for this movie.” I walk by in the line, gonna meet him. Said, ”Don’t be prejudice. Open your mind. See what kind of dude he is.” I walk up, the motherfucker looked at me like I owed him money. You know, I said, ”Hi, Mr. President.” ”Hi.” ”Well, I guess that’s it, huh? Well, I’ll just walk on out here, sir, and, uh… I guess this is where everybody else will be, huh? Well, nice meeting ya. I’ll just be right– I’ll be out here. If you’re interested, I’ll be right outside here.” Then you get mad. I said, ”I didn’t ask to come to this motherfucker! I know you ain’t getting no pussy.” Right? ‘Cause he looked like a dick. You ever notice? He does. Like, not even a hard-on. But just a dick with clothes on, you know? That’s why he want them MX’s and shit, so he can get off. ”Shoot one of them big babies off.” No, ’cause they be talking about dropping bombs and shit, man. I’m talking about nuclear bombs. I’m talking about fucking up our Sundays. I mean, motherfucker say– If they had a nuclear war, they wouldn’t have to drop no bombs. All they have to do is tell us they’re going to, then announce to us… ”Find the fallout shelters.” ‘Cause there ain’t a motherfucker here know where one at. ”Let’s get to the shelter.” Right! Oh, shit, uh– Wait a minute. I knew where it was in high school. Wait a minute. ‘Cause they say we have a half a hour warning. That ain’t enough time. I want at least nine, ten months. Can you imagine what the highways would be like? You’d be– Motherfucker say, ”We got a half-hour,Jack.” Beep, beep! You ain’t gonna get nowhere. I know what I’m gonna do. There’s a lady I’ve wanted to fuck for eight years. I’m gonna run over to her house. You know, say, ”Hey, look, baby, we got about 1 5 minutes.” Hope I get a nut just as the bomb go off. ”Thank you.” ‘Cause they got people building fallout shelters in their homes and shit. And that’s all right if you home when they drop the bomb. But if you out, and the motherfucker say, ”The bomb is dropping”… we fucked. Motherfucker say, ”What? Not now, motherfucker!” ‘Cause all of us can’t get in the ladies’ room. ‘Cause they drop the bomb, that’s some fine shit. I’m gonna get out. I don’t know about you all. I’m getting out if there’s some fire. I know all the exits and shit. I ain’t even worried. Even if people climbed the doorway… I’ll eat through somebody’s ass to get out. Oh, yeah. I’ll be outside laughing with the firemen and shit. What’s happening in there? ”Hey, damn, boy. It’s a terrible thing. Twenty people in there with their asses eaten out. You know anything about it, fella?” What wereJapanese people thinking in 1 941 , huh? What was they– What was on their mind to be bombing Pearl Harbor? They sat around and said, ”We bomb Pearl Harbor. They never fuck with us again.” Right? What they say? ”We going to California, then we bomb– No need. Pearl Harbor is enough.” ‘Cause they’d been to the University of California… and saw white people laid back. They hadn’t been to the University of Alabama or Mississippi. Right? I mean– I’m not lyin’, man. They got white folks down there… they keep on a leash in the basement. ”Hold it! Not yet! Just a minute! Maybe Central America will let you go, but not yet. Hold it. Sit. Sit.” Shit, man. You know, when I first– When I first came up here… I use to live down this way. Shit. Don’t tell me shit. Came up here– That’s right. I went to Illinois. – Mudbone! – That’s right. That’s my name. That’s my game. I went on– Shit, where’s the mike? Here. Well, they move that shit everywhere. You can’t reach it. Shit. Had to go behind my back. Shit, I’m a little old. I ain’t spry as I used to be. I can still kick a little ass now and then. I left here– me and my partner Ray… Sweet Chocolate Brown. Do you know Sweet Chocolate? Boy, that was a pretty man. One of them brown-skin boys. Had that smooth skin. He sweated, looked like a Hershey bar. That’s right. Girls come up, lick him on the hand. And he smile. He had one of them teeth, gold teeth with a diamond in it. He’d smile and then he’d put that smile on you, that was your ass, see. Lord, he had so many womens. He tried to give me some… but I didn’t fuck with them womens, you know. I don’t mess with ’em. I had about four womens in my life. That’s right, ’cause they drain ya. They do. They fuck all the time. That’s right. If you fuck one of them good, you in trouble. ‘Cause she gonna tell her friend. She gonna want some. That’s right. And you fuck her, she gonna tell somebody. And the next thing you know, you got to fuck eight or nine times. Then they leave you sapped. You’ll just be laying there all dried up. They don’t give a shit about that. Give you a pot of soup, go on about their business. So, me, Chocolate, Bob T., we all left from down there. Went to California. We had a good time out there too. We was out there for a long time. Do you know what? When I first got out to California– Where you boys going? No, no, no, thank you. I’m fine. I’m– I’m all right. I don’t know what you gonna put in it. Be out there, liable to put your dick in it or somethin’. No, that’s all right. Go ahead. Have fun. I remember when womens used to go to the bathroom together. When we first– When I got out– That’s something, you know that? The world done changed, ain’t it? Mens is womens, womens is mens. I talked to a woman. I went in a little truck stop restaurant and asked… ”Got some coffee and shit?” And she talked to me. Shit, she sound like an opera star. Big voice, you know. ”What you want?” Shit! You know, hair all on her legs and arms. Scared the shit out of me, you know. I don’t want none of these. One of them doughnuts. Let me get my ass on. Other day, man, a little boy come down through here… had one of them little hats on all cocked, all sideways. He had a shoe untied, them tennis shoes on, you know. I said, ”Boy, tie your shoe.” The little boy told me to go fuck myself. Just about this tall. ”Go fuck yourself.” Said, ”I hope you fall on your ugly-ass face.” I seen boys now that cuss their mamas and stuff in public. That’s right. The woman stand around, look all silly. You know, I told her, I said, ”Bitch, that’s your fault. That’s right. You the one let him do that shit. Go put his ass out two or three weeks. I bet he come home, he talk right then. Them miss-meal cramps, that motherfucker get real polite. ‘Yes, ma’am,’ and ‘No, sir.’ That’s what he say when he come back.” Shit. Hard times. We had hard times out there in California… ’cause there wasn’t but three or four black families when I went out there. That’s right. There wasn’t. About four– twenty white people. That’s right, and nine or ten of them Japanese… and whatever they was, mixed-up people. They was out there. Nice peoples too. You know, they’re out there, minding their business. Twelve-thousand Mexicans. I’m not lyin’. Mexican people used to own all of this shit west of Chicago. There wasn’t nothin’ but Mexican people. That’s all there was. That was all theirs. Fucked around, negotiated with white folks, lost all that shit. a thousand Mexican ass. Now, that’s what kind of army they had. kicked 2,000 people in the ass. Now, that’s somethin’. Mexicans didn’t wanna fight about nothin’. No, they was good people. They just trusted too much. That’s how they get fucked up, you see. When you own the property, they should’ve kept their mouth shut… and said, ”This is mine. I don’t wanna deal nothin’. Fuck you. Keep your shit.” Well, I had a Mexican friend, the nameJesus. He was a good friend of mine. We used to hablo espanol. That’s right. He went to jail with me. We went– We did time together out there in Los Angeles County. That’s right. It was a hell of a time, boy. You ever heard of lice? We was in jail, them little bugs like that. You know what I mean? They get on you in your sleep and they eat you up alive. They make you just scratch your damn near– I’ll tell you something. You ever had them crabs? You ever heard of’em? It’s a little teeny bug. They like pubics. They get in your pubics. And it’s hot like this, they drive you crazy. They’ll make you scratch in public. I’m not lyin’. You be walking down the street like this… and that heat and them crabs start moving back and forth like that. They’ll make you get down in there. I damn near pulled my nuts off one time, man! They were down in there so– But you have to put that blue ointment and shit on ’em. I don’t know what it does to ’em, but they don’t move for a while. You put that on there and then they cool down. Make ’em drunk or somethin’. I don’t know. I remember one time we was out of ointment… and Jesus gave me some of his cologne. I don’t know, mister, if you ever done this or not… but don’t ever put no cologne on your nuts. ‘Cause I didn’t know. I took two big handfuls of this cologne… and I hit it on my nuts all under here like this. Well, it was cool at first. It felt real soothing. Pretty soon it come next the burning and shit. And I was fannin’ them. Crabs was movin’ every which way. I said, ”Oh, Lordy, Lordy, please!” I said, ”Chocolate, help me. My nuts are on fire!” I said, ”Blow on it, Chocolate! Blow on it! They’re gonna burn up!” Chocolate said, ”They be burned to hell if I got to blow ’em.” Then Jesus come around. He was smoking a cigarette. And he got real close, and I guess them fumes– Somethin’ happened… ’cause a big fire went– foom– like that. And jumped up, and I was back like this. I’m trying to put that shit out. Them crabs went crazy then. They just jumped every which way. I ran and sat on the toilet. And damn Jesus, he flushed the toilet! My balls was hanging down there in the toilet. And that water was pullin’ them too, real hard. I said, ”Goddamn,Jesus, help me out of here.” Just as I got my nuts off, a goddamn earthquake. I’m standing there, ”Help! Burned-up nuts is hurtin’!” Oh! The damnedest time I ever had, man. Yeah, I ain’t going back there no more. I left there. I had fun, but I left there. Had a nice lady friend. She was good to me. We never did no sex or nothin’ ’cause she had a ”rectomy.” You know. That’s where they scrape the pussy out… and just leave the box that it came in. Me and her got along real good, you know. – That’s Mudbone. – I love you, Richard! Y-You love me? Shit, I love you too. It’s easy to love somebody. That’s all you got to do. Sit with ’em a little while. Talk to ’em. Most people you talk to, they’s intelligent. Most people, as I said. Thank you, Mudbone. Drink some of this water, I hope. They say your water is bad. Good. Just checking. I thought they was joking. I ain’t gonna take no chances… ’cause I don’t wanna have the shits in the middle of the night,Jack. Ain’t nothin’ worse when you got to shit and can’t sleep too. That’s miserable than a mother– You lay down, get a good– ”Hold it!” ‘Cause you can’t fuck or nothin’ when you gotta go to the bathroom, right? ”Say, baby– Oh, hold it!Just a minute. Hold the pussy right there. Just a minute. I’ll be right back. Hold it.” I haven’t done any drugs now. It’s been seven months. I haven’t done any drugs now. It’s been seven months. All right! And that’s a lot for me, you know, ’cause I done– I think I done drugs since I was like 1 4. You know what I mean? Off and on. But when I was about 1 9, I started doing it real heavy, right? And this is the first time, I think, in my life I feel like this… being sober and then being off drugs too. It’s a real strange feeling. And I get scared when I’m out here sometime. I get real nervous about it, I wanna fuckin’ run, you know? I look out there– ”Shit! It’s scary!” And I say, ”Fuck it. Go through it. Just feel the experience. Go through it and just fuck it.” ‘Cause if I had some drugs and shit now, I wouldn’t give a fuck. But I wouldn’t– I’d come off stage, I’d still wouldn’t give a fuck. Then by the time you’re 50, a lot of no givin’ a fuck… you miss part of your life. ”So what happened to your life?” ”I didn’t give a fuck.” But I had some fun. But I had some fun. It just was strange, like the people you meet… that remember shit you did when you used to get fucked up… and you don’t wanna remember. But they know the shit real well. ”Richard! Don’t you remember me? We was fucked up together,Jack. We was walking down the street, right… and you stuck your arm up that elephant’s ass. Don’t you remember that? Elephant tightened his ass up around your arm… went walking down the street with you. You was swinging back and forth like that. You looked like a turd with a hat on. Don’t you remember that?” And you meet women that you’ve been with… and you meet ’em, you see ’em, you go, ”What? I was not with this motherfucker.” ”You remember me? You said I was so beautiful. We made love for 1 4 hours.” And you’d be saying to yourself, ”Oh, shit.” ”I’m going to have a baby.” ”Not if I can help it, motherfucker.” I’d be right to the abortionist. ”Please. ”Doc, there’s me and there’s this lady, and both of us is ugly. Please don’t let us have a child. Please don’t.” What is that, sir? Oh, don’t snatch it. Wait a minute. Hold it. I know he’s white. Give him a break. Oh, what is that? What is that called, sir? Oh, shit! Oh, it’s a crab. Uh, what is it called? A crab? And it’s a drink? Oh, well, thanks a lot. Next time that motherfucker come up here… beat the shit out of his ass. Well, this crab, man, he ain’t gonna do nothin’ but die. – You know, well, shit. – Attaboy, Rich! Let’s listen to the crab. ”Why are you fucking with me?” What? ”I wanna know why you’re fucking with me. I was in the ocean just crawlin’ along and some asshole grabbed me. I’m trying to find my way back to the ocean.” No, no, sir. See, you’re here on stage. ”Oh, shit, on stage? Let me get back in the shell.” Come on out. ”Yeah, okay.” ”You know I got kinda drunk in that glass. Just a minute. Where in the fuck am I? Oh, boy. I thought this was another woman. It’s just a brown chair. Holy shit! Hey, the world is round. Whoopsy-daisy. Holy shit! Good thing you caught me, pal. You ever had crab piss on you?” I’m gonna put you back in the jar. ”That’s a good idea, asshole. And put some water on me too, schmuck.” I’m gonna get him some– Can we put this in something? Well, here’s some water. Do they live in water? Not in– Y’all wouldn’t even put a crab in your own water. ”Please. Don’t put no crab in the water.” Where’s someplace where there’s some water? I mean, that’s not– I’m gonna take this motherfucker to the bay or somethin’. Put him back in. No, give him a chance. He gonna live. We gonna save this one. Can we put him in somethin’, man? Please? We gonna save him. ‘Cause this motherfucker did a show. He’s gonna get off. Send him back. Here. No, I’m gonna keep this rubber duck. This I wanna talk about here. This is– This is intelligence. What? What, motherfucker? Well, I should’ve let the black man do his job. Oh, now, what– A racing crab? A racing crab. Oh, the thing is up. I like the way you talk though. I don’t give a fuck. You all talk cool. I don’t give a fuck. ”It’s a racing crab here.” This will go on– I will scare a bitch to death with this one. Come out and say, you go… ”Darling, are you ready?” ”Yes, Rich.” Ha ha ha! Well, I don’t want no more shit now. Thank you very much, sir. He gave me the rubber thing and, I don’t know, this– It’s a balloon. It’s a swan balloon. No, that’s really nice, yeah. That’s real clever. Real intelligent. Really, really. Come on. Come on out. Come here. Let the people see you, motherfucker. Come on, man. Thank you. Hey, Rich, how’s your daughter’s girlfriend? How’s my– How’s my what? Wait.Just take your time. Don’t get carried away now. This is not participation. A lot of shit happened in your life you don’t–just don’t remember. I guess I should have learned from people that I knew… that would get fucked up when I was little. I didn’t think that they were on dope or nothin’. I thought they were cool. ‘Cause I had friends like– I had a friend, Motif. The motherfucker, he just sounded so cool. Anything– He took his time to answer. You talk to him, you go, ”Hi, Motif.” He go… ”What’s happening?” I was young. I thought that was cool. Me and my friends would go around and talk to him. ”Say something to Motif. Go ahead. Say something. Come on.” Hey, Motif!. Watch, man. Motif was cool,Jack. I didn’t know he had shot his brains out. But he liked to talk to me sometime, you know. It was real nice, you know. I’d see him around. Hey, Rich! Hey, man, come here. Come here. Dig this. Look, uh, you do me a favor. Now don’t be bullshittin’ now and do somethin’ for me. I want you to take these watches in the bag back here. You take these– Just some watches, motherfucker. Take these watches down the street for me. No, I can’t carry ’em ’cause the police are looking for me. No, I ain’t stole ’em, no. I ain’t no stealer, goddamn it. I wouldn’t be givin’ them to you. Shit. They’re watches, man. Five for a dollar. No, they good. What kind of shit you think? Yeah, they’re good. Check this one. Check this one. This is one of the bad ones, but– I got us some good ones and shit, man. It’s there. So you carry ’em for me? What you mean? No, they not looking for me. You know who they looking for, man? They’re looking for my brother Bobby. No, ’cause the bitch up the street talkin’ about I broke in her house. She said I broke in there and stole some of her shit. I didn’t do it ’cause I told her, you know. I said, ”Look, I want your shit, I just come in here and take it.” You know, I ain’t got to break in. I’m bold. You know, I walk in the door. You know, yeah, but then Bobby do that shit, right? Do you see Bobby? Bobby was with them two white dudes… and they popped that liquor store. Yeah, Bobby. And you know Bobby like to be hanging with them motherfuckers. He’s crazy. I seen him. I was with him, man. We wandered in the liquor store. Bobby bad. He put his pistol on the counter, stepped back. The motherfucker bad. He say, ”I want the money. See that pistol, motherfucker? Beat me to that.” Man, I told the man, ”Don’t move, mister. He got another one.” Shit. And Bobby, he crazy, man. He threw the other one on the counter and say… ”Beat me to either one of’em.” See, that’s the way his mind be poppin’, man. But he be fucked up, right? You know, see, he be going– They gonna send him to jail. Then they’ll send me along just on G.P. I told him, I said, ”Bobby, I ain’t going to jail for nobody.” You dig? Shit. I done told on too many people up there. They get me back up there,Jack, I’d be pussy nine years. Shit, yeah, I told on the motherfucker. I ain’t goin’. Shit. It was easy too. Mother say, ”Wasn’t that hard?” Fuck it. Shit. Him or me. Motherfucker talkin’ about five years? Shit, I’ll just tell on any motherfucker I know. I ain’t gonna be able to get no shit for five years? I start naming off names like a motherfucker,Jack. Alphabetical order too. Shit, yeah, they like to be fuckin’ around. Hey, Les, where you been, motherfucker? What took you so long? We supposed to do business. Yeah, but you be fuckin’ around. Where you been, motherfucker? What you been up to? Where? You see Bobby? Yeah, what the fuck is the deal, man? No, ’cause the cops come over my house. Where was you guys? No, I didn’t do shit. Don’t be putting me in that shit, man. No, ’cause they gonna get Bobby ’cause that one honky is tough, man. I saw that motherfucker, boy. He jumped down in the pool hall. He whupped three or four motherfuckers. So I know you ain’t gonna be fucking with him. You– Take the baseball bat,Jack. Bust his motherfuckin’ head. You ain’t got to take that shit. Let me tie this motherfucker off. Tie it up there. Shit. There it is. Shit. I had it here yesterday. Shit. Shit. There it is, motherfucker. Now, partner. Oh, yeah. In the vein, motherfucker. What are you– What, is you high? Well, why you wait to get off and then you gonna come in and jab it on me, man? There you go. Yeah. Mmm. Yeah, let it ride. Shit. Yeah, shit. Man. Baby. This some shit there, man. That’s– Shit. That mother– Hey, man, this shit was– Shit. D-Did you– Motherfucker. I got the crabs. Shit. No, I ain’t got no motherfuckin’– What? The critter? Look at– Look at this motherfucker, man. Look. Listen. Look, look. I can’t get over there. Listen. Motherfuckin’ thing. Look at them motherfuckers, man. Now, that’s– that’s– that’s life. That’s into the realm of life. Dig? See how he was in life? Then he fucked around and wasn’t in it no more. He fell off, man. You– You can do that. You can– You couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that, but he could. This is relating. You got to relate to life… to the– to the utmost. Sit down, my nig! Hey, man! Why don’t you stop jerking with me, motherfucker? Man, I’m over here doing my little business. I’m cool, but I ain’t fuckin’ with you. You– You come– You came by here yesterday with that same old shit. You be jaw-jackin’. Yeah, I know. I know you cool. I know about all you got your shit… but, man, I’m Superman. Yeah, dude. As long as you don’t hit me in the vein, motherfucker, I’m all right. Yeah, you have to kill me two or three weeks. Shit. Wait a minute. What the fuck you gonna do? What you sayin’? Ah, man, bullshittin’. Junkie serenade or somethin’? That’s right. I’m– Dig this. Check the logic. Check the logic. I went downtown, right? Now, this is me, right? I’m gonna try to get the job… the motherfucker tell me I can’t have the job… but I can take a application. Are you ready for that? I say, ”Well, what’s the logic? What is the logical conclusion of the logic of it?” I just wanted to know. I figure it was something wrong with the logic. Yeah. Motherfucker tell me I ain’t dependable. Shit. Say, baby, I got a $200-a-day habit. I ain’t missed a payment. Shit. Is that dependable? Shit, what is? I say, hey, you know what I would like to have? The job as the town junkie. Right? ‘Cause I could stand around the corner… I could get fucked up for the tourists. They– You know? Shit, that’s work. ‘Cause I like to get fucked up. And we’d both be doing each other a favor… ’cause the motherfucker keep trying to rehabilitate me. Methadone. Shit, I got hooked on that in two weeks. You ever fuck with that methadone, man? That shit– Shit’ll send you off. You’ll be talking about you going to hell. Shit, I’ve been there. I had so much fun, they kicked me out that motherfucker. Shit. I know I ain’t going to heaven. Shit. I’m just going. That’s right. I’m gonna do it in my own time. Just go. I don’t have to do nothing. Right? Motherfucker change. Feel sorry for me? Shit. I did it to myself. Yeah. Fuck it. If I come back, I hope you motherfuckers have this shit right… ’cause you done fucked it up this time. That– You just– You weren’t sensitive, you motherfuckers. You weren’t sensitive. You just– Well, you just didn’t like a motherfucker sensitive, man. You run over people. You put ’em– You put ’em in a position that they can’t do nothing in it… then when they can’t, you all say, ”See?” That– That wasn’t right. That wasn’t right. That’s the same. That ain’t right. I know it ain’t right, and I tell the motherfucker about it… and they tell me I’m crazy. I know the shit is foul… with a capital ”foul.” I wish you the best. I– Thank you. I– Thank you. – Means, uh– – Tell ’em, Rich! I just– Thank you very much. Thank you. You know, I just was thinking now that I’ve been off drugs… I wanted to relate something to you. I can remember when I was just off drugs for a little while. Yeah, I am. You don’t believe it. I know a lot of people don’t, and I don’t give a fuck… but I remember when I was– Yeah, ’cause I meet people since I stopped doing drugs… I found out there’s more motherfuckers doing drugs. I mean, doctors and shit. Old ladies. ”Give me that blue one. And give me another red one, please.” Right? They call it an epidemic now. That means white folks are doing it. ‘Cause you all used to drive through our neighborhoods and shit… and go, ”Oh, look at that. Isn’t that terrible?” And then you’d get home and your You’d go, ”Oh, my God! It’s an epidemic!” Maybe next time you see black people in trouble, you’ll help. Maybe. Right? But when I stopped, I noticed something real strange, man. I noticed about the fourth month… that my dick was smaller than I thought. No, I did, ’cause I knew I had 1 4, 1 5 inches. And I was in the bathroom one day, taking a piss. I said, ”Hey! What happened to my dick? Hey, I’ve been robbed! Somebody stole my dick, left me with this little child’s pee-wee!” And women go, ”Do men have dick hang-ups?” Shit. You don’t think they do. Like if you’re with a guy and you plan on– First date, right? You might give him a shot tonight. You wait till you get home and he gets undressed and then give him that look. You know, that look you women have when you go– You talk about a motherfucker getting dressed fast, right? ”Well, gee, it was all right when I left home.” I remember when I was 20, my dick was hard all the time. It’d wake up at attention. I’d be– ”Rich, are we going out on patrol today?” I mean, some mornings, it would wake me up. You know, I’d be sleeping, hit me on the chest– ”Rich! Rich, wake up. I gotta go to the bathroom.” You know? And it would lead me to the bathroom. I’d be– Over there. Right into the dock. Yeah! And it’d piss hard. You’d be going– Half an hour. Go back to bed,Jack. Now some mornings I wake up, I wonder whose dick it is,Jack. Hey, speak to me! ”Huh? What? What is it, Rich, we on fire again? What? What? Hey.” And I’d be kinda scared about today, man… ’cause women, we’re lucky they fuck us ’cause they got them machines. You ever seen ’em? They got numbers on ’em. Plug them boys in. And you be standing there with just a dick, right? ”Tell me when it’s my turn, will ya?” ”Uh, that’s all right. Thank you. Never mind. I’ll come back tomorrow.” Women know they got the pussy, man. They know we like it too. They know it. I mean, they know. The bottom line: Women know. I got the pussy And it’s good ‘Cause there ain’t no such thing as bad pussy, right? If there are ladies here tonight think they got a bad pussy… I’d like to see you after the show. I’d like to give a second opinion. I’d sure want some water, but I don’t wanna drink none of that shit now. You got me scared. Spring water? Rainwater? What is this little bug in it? – Thank you. What’s your name? – Luanne. Luanne, take your ass back to your seat. Thank you. Thank you, Luanne, very much. You’re just– That’s a very kind thing to do. I can’t get this little motherfuckin’ thing out. See, I’m very crazy about shit. When shit in somethin’, I like to go, ”Hey.” Thank you, Luanne, very much. No! Don’t! Thank you, Luanne. That’s– – Can I get a kiss? – No, baby. You might have herpes. I don’t wanna be fucking around. No, sirree, Bob. Now they got that herpes and shit going around. That makes me be very careful,Jack. I wanna examine the pussy real good now. Don’t women do that? If you gonna have a one-night stand, don’t you be very cautious? It’s like, ”Put the dick right here in my hand.” Right? Get that jeweler’s glass out and, ”Just a minute.” ‘Cause they got some shit out there, make your dick look like a foot. For a long time. I’m not lyin’. You look down, look like a little baby’s foot hanging there… walking up your leg and shit. No, you gotta be very careful. That’s why I– I go to public toilets, man, I’d be watching them motherfuckers… because I know some shit in there waiting on me. I’d be real careful. One thing about a public toilet is if somebody recognize my ass. You know, ’cause you could go in the toilet all your life– You go in the toilet and take a shit and nobody say nothin’. They may make a face when you leave, right? But they see me, they start talkin’, ”Richard Pryor! That was you in there shittin’? Man, you don’t never need to shit in public. Hey, everybody, come here. Richard Pryor is in here shittin’!” And they got them– You ever go into them urinals? Ladies probably never seen this. It’s got them big urinals and shit. And the men go in there and stand right up in the urinal… like they hidin’ their shit or somethin’. They’d be right up in there like– And look each other in the eye. That’s the way men look each other in the eye ’cause you don’t look down. You look down– ”What you looking at?” Only trouble I have in there, people wanna meet me. Be pissing, talking about, ”Richard Pryor! Oh, shit, I’m sorry, man. Here, shake my hand.” Fuck you! Everybody be standing up like this and be cool,Jack,just lookin’ in the eye. Then some big dick motherfucker come in, right? Stand way back here. ”What’s happening, fellas? You wanna stand to the left? I’m gonna shake it to the left, pal. You better move over.” Good night. I love you. Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=richard-pryor-here-and-now

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Richard Pryor: Live And Smokin’ (1971) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-live-and-smokin-1971-full-transcript/

Richard Pryor: Live & Smokin’ is the first stand-up act of Richard Pryor to be filmed out of the four that were released in total. This film was filmed in 1971 but not released until 1985, on VHS. This was the first stand-up act that Pryor did before he hit the mainstream audience. With only 48 minutes of footage, it is the shortest of Pryor’s stand-up routines. Filmed at the New York Improvisation on April 29, 1971 I’m very happy to be on film, and a motherfucking live audience. I’m really nervous, ’cause l ain’t had no cocaine all day. Love cocaine. I don’t know what I’m going to talk about, but I have a list. No, it’s exciting. I’m very excited and stuff, I’m glad y’all didn’t move, a lot of y’all. But I imagine a lot of y’all will be leaving during my shit, but that’s cool, too. ‘Cause that shit’ll be in the film. And, I’d like to… I hope I’m funny and shit, you know, ’cause, you know, just to be a n i g g e r standing up here and just be sayin’ nothing… ain’t shit. But, I hope my shit is funny. And I like to. I always wanted to do that, man. No, white dudes used to do that in gym class after they take a shower. They come out of the shower and be going, “Hi, Dick. Can you do that?” “No, but I will tomorrow, motherfucker.” You gotta process and shit, you know. Be Puerto Rican. You can be Puerto Rican with a process in the Midwest. Puerto Ricans was famous. Not like in New York. No, ’cause they got a lot of Puerto Ricans in New York, but in the Midwest they don’t have many Puerto Ricans. They have, like three, in the whole Midwest. I was one of ’em. I was jivin’. But I had my shit together, man. Got some pussy too. Only thing that gave me up when I was coming, “Oh, shit!” “That’s not Puerto Rican.” I always wanted to be something. I never wanted to be white. Hope not out of line. No, I always wanted to be something different, you know, than a n i g g e r, ’cause n i g g e rs have it so rough. I tried to be, you know, a black cat with neat hair. I thought that was the problem, the hair. I said, if my hair was straight, then whitey’d dig me. So I got a process. Wrong. I lived in a neighborhood with a lot of whorehouses. Ah, not many candy stores or banks. Liquors stores and whorehouses. You know, n i g g e rs love to drink. They say. No I went through, like, white neighborhoods, you have banks and shit. You have to go four miles to get some liquor. N i g g e rs can get liquor, just walk outta the house, “Oh, this a liquor store. Eh, OK.” And I remember tricks used to come through our neighborhood, that’s where I first met white people. They come down through our neighborhood to help the economy. Nice white dudes, though. ‘Cause I could have been a bigot. You know what I mean? I could have been prejudice. I, I could have been prejudice. I could’ve been, man, but I met nice white men, “Hello, little boy. Is your mother home? I’d like a blowjob.” I wonder what would happen if n i g g e rs go through white neighborhoods and doin’ that. “Hey, man, is your mama home? Tell the bitch we wanna fuck.” “Ah, I’ll see. She says you have to come back after lunch.” I got get my belt. I gotta be cool when you be on film. N i g g a gotta have belt in loop. Above suspicion. Is my make-up looking OK? I think it’s very exciting. I don’t know about you all but I like being on film. I always wanted to be in the movies myself. Like Johnny Mack Brown. Y’all don’t remember Johnny Mack Brown? You ever saw Lasch LaRue? Dude was cool for a f a g g o t. Fuzzy Cool Jones was his main man. It was exciting. I saw them at a state fair in Springfield, lllinois, that’s why they… Why you lookin’ at my dick, man? Oh, you’re not… ah you’re certainly not looking that long. I mean its not true what they say about colored guys. People believe that. “You colored guys really have big ones, don’t you?” “Yea, wanna see, it’s…” I’d expose myself but too many white ladies in the audience. They’d be goin’, “I thought colored guys were built better than that.” I always wanted to get some ’cause I like watchin’ the tricks getting’ pussy, right. I use to peek through, like, the keyhole. You can’t peek through a keyhole, right, ’cause your head keep hittin’ the door. Ya have to look over the transom and shit, right. And the tricks would be fuckin’, right. They be “Oh, oh, gosh, golly ma’am, it’s really good, it’s really good.” And the whores be going, “Ah-h, shit baby. Ah-h, god damn that. Ah-h, shit. Yea, honey, ain’t no white man ever fuck me like you, baby. Ah, goddamn.” It was weird. I remember white dudes used to come down, “Do you have any girls here that cover you with ice cream?” “And little boys that lick it off?” He was the mayor. I lived in what you call, the ghetto, as Elvis Presley “In the ghetto. I may look white but wait till tonight, I’m a n i g g e r.” But I grew up, ah, I learned about white folks. ‘Cause I use to eat with a white friend of mine, Dickey Lemon, had a white friend. White folks eat quiet. I learned that. No, they do. “Pass the potatoes, darling.” “Thank you, dear.” “My, that smells scrumptious.” “Here you go, young fellow. And how are you doing in those grades, Dickey? Well, you must keep your marks up, you know. By gummy.” “Are we having sexual intercourse this evening, darling? I was hoping I could insert my penis into your vagina. Well I can’t? What the heck.” N i g g e rs made noise when they ate. My daddy, man, he pitched a bitch, “Say bitch, where the food? Well goddamn, I’m-a come on. Shit. What, you wash your hands, boy? Yea, the n i g g e r’s hands wash, mamma. Shit. We’re ready t’eat. Damn. I’ll git. All you motherfuck. Goddamn. Goddamn. Shit, ya pass shit n i g g e r go for yourself. Motherfucker. Motherfuckin’ shit.” My daddy suckin’ a bowl and shit, “Oh, goddamn, n i g g e r you better get that meat outta there, motherfucker. Look-it, look-it, there’s some meat in there, n i g g e r. Shit. Look down in there, boy. Look-it there. Mother. Shit. You can throw shit away, n i g g e r, shit, better eat with your white friends.” It was exciting. HA-HA-HA. It was, though. It was exciting. I’m glad I’m black, ’cause, I’d hate to be white, ’cause y’all got to go to the moon. Ain’t no n i g g e rs going to the moon, you know that. First of all, ain’t no n i g g e rs qualified, so y’all tell us. So we ain’t go to be worried about that. N i g g e rs was hip, they’d help y’all get to the moon. “Hey, man, let’s organize and help them white motherfuckers get to the moon so they’ll leave us alone…” But I don’t hate white folks. No-siree-bob. One of my great-great grandparents was white. I’m sure of it. ‘Cause I know I didn’t look like this when I came from Africa. You know what I mean? I’m afraid you do. But I like white women. That’s my only… I have a white women disease. I could be a revolutionary. But I like white women with big titties. You know, ’cause they have titties that have skin when you rip their clothes off, “Bitch!” Rip. You know, and their titties pop out. And they come so loud. That’s great. “A colored man, what have I done?” And you can do your black shit, “This is for the Congo.” Then, ah. Fuckin’ was always the thing, you remember that? You could never get no pussy in the 50’s, ’cause all the girls had the disease call “the virgin.” “I’m a virgin!” DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DAAA! It was hard to get some pussy, man. You had to be scheming, ‘specially. Like you could easily get some pussy, like some dudes could get pussy, right, “Bitch.” “Ooh-ooh-ohh.” I try that, get an ass whippin’. “I ain’t no bitch, motherfucker.” But you try to get pussy, you know, like you even fall in love with a bitch to get some pussy. “I love you darling, yes I do. Why, you remind me of the sunset. You remind me of the ocean waves that fall across the seashells on the shore. I want to touch your body, just like that, dear.” And then they give you a little pussy, but a little. But you can’t come in them. Right, they always say that. “Don’t come in me.” “Oh, no-siree-bob I never come. It’s not my thing. It’s not how I get my kicks. Coming’s not my trip. Almost coming, that’s how I fill… Or bitches always be saying shit like, you know, “Don’t come yet.” That’s the lowdown when they do that. “Don’t come yet.” “No, no! I’m not coming yet. No, I’ll hold on! Oh, God, yea! O-o-o-h-h.” It’s great coming. I know, like, some folks don’t come, white folks don’t come. That’s why they fuck quiet. As I was saying two hours ago. Man, they do, they be “Mmm, mmmm, mmm I’m coming.” N i g g e rs make noise when they fuck. “Ah, shit, baby. I goddamn… don’t move it now… ah, shit,… you motherfucker, you.” And then you come and fart. Blame it on your old lady. “That you, baby?” “Did you fart, mother?” “Aw, shit, you farted, bitch. You know you farted, motherfucker. Girl, you better get operation. Bet you done tore somethin’ loose. Shit.” “You know I don’t fart, I poot.” ‘Cause the girls, they always poot, they never fart, right, they go, Poot “scuse me.” They always ease ’em out, them stinkin’ motherfuckers, they ease out. Like you be in the car, somethin, you can’t say nothin, you be… “Oh, no nothing dear, it’s, just God, ah, get me to the hospital, please, I’m…” My grandmother could fart, but she’d fart early in the morning, right about five o’clock, and sit on the toilet and never, ever shit, but made a loud noise. You know what I mean? You know, like sit on a toilet and never shit, just make a, you know, like a boat coming in. “Eh, must be four o’clock.” Getting filmed is a drag, you know. No, because, I’m nervous. I don’t want to be nervous ’cause I’m… ain’t lyin’. People shit. People will not admit they shit. “No sir, I never had a bowel movement ever in my life.” Right, yes, people like Nixon, “I’ve never had a bowel movement. And I think it’s communistic to assume that American’s move their bowels.” Ya know Nixon don’t come, right, you know, if he does, he apologizes. Let me make this perfectly clear… And his old lady, man, he can’t come in her ’cause she ain’t got no pussy left. That many facelifts she had. Pussy all up in her ear. And Trisha Nixon can’t give her pussy away. Even the Secret Service man, “Ah, no, I gotta watch the car.” “No, no, I understand.” “Ever heard of Massengill.” Massengill’s a douche powder. Maybe white girls don’t douche, but I remember that was a big thing in whorehouses, ya know. “Bitch, you better get some douche powder.” You know, that was the thing. All the whore’s sound like Flip Wilson, “Better get some douche powd.” That was my, I was the errand boy for all the whores in the neighborhood. You know, I used to run and get Ktex and all that shit, before Tampax came along. I remember the white, burlesque girls always use Tampax and the n i g g e rs used Ktex. ‘Cause we bleed a lot because we’re so real. I said “we” like I’m one of the bitches. Can we edit this? No, never fuck a f a g g o t. No, I like to say this on film because, to all the American male persons, never fuck a f a g g o t ’cause they will lie. They always say, “I won’t tell.” They lie. They can’t wait till you finish fuckin’ `em. “Well guess who was here, honey? Girl, look it, here. Well the n i g g e r got more bitch in ’em than me.” Don’t ever give a f a g g o t head. ‘Cause you really be lowdown, then, right. You all act like you ain’t never suckin’ a dick or somethin’. Y’all be like, “No-siree-bob, we’ve never, ever touched a penis in our lives. We’re real men.” I sucked a dick. You can get a habit from suckin’ dick. You can be a dick junkie. You can only do it maybe three times. You do it more than that, you get a habit, you be, “I gotta have a dick. Now, please, unless I have a cock in my mouth.” I used to give head to dudes who’d always say, “Don’t come into my mouth.” “Our father, who art in heaven.” No, but, no buts about it, fuck it. But it’s exciting, man, being black, because being white ain’t very exciting, ’cause the best you can do when you white is go to heaven. You know what I mean? But n i g g e rs, n i g g e rs can’t go no place. That’s what’s so exciting about being a n i g g e r. You know what I mean, might fuck around and luck up on heaven. Negroes can’t go to heaven. They can get a promise to heaven. I was a Negro for 23 years. I gave that shit up. No room for advancement. I was, too, man, and I had my shit down pat. I had a lot of fun being a Negro. Got to fuck a lot white girls. That was the most important part, fuckin’ white girls. Huh? It’s my nose. You never ate a booger? No, some people don’t eat boogers, man. Boogers are hip. I like my boogers. I do. I like boogers, I like boogers and I like the way I fart. I have great smelling farts. People can’t dig it, but, I like the way I shit. I shit cool, don’t smell bad or nothin’. I don’t care what anyone says. I’m religious. That’s right, I used to go to white Protestant church. Used to scare the shit out of me, right. ‘Cause they had that strange music. You expect Dracula to jump out on you any second, right. If he did I’d a held the cross up. ‘Cause he’s allergic to bullshit Drac didn’t have no n i g g e rs in his day. He just had pretty bitches, And it was hard for a bitch to turn Dracula down ’cause he promises somethin’ that any bitch in the world could not refuse. “How would you like to be beautiful forever. Bla Bla.” “Fuck me, Bite me, motherfucker, anywhere, I don’t care.” For a bitch to be pretty forever. “You never will change” “Oh, yea, where you gonna bite me. Here?” But no n i g g e rs, ’cause n i g g e r s’d kill Dracula. And as soon as them motherfuckers goin’ to sleep, I’m going take this motherfuckin’ toothpick and stab the n i g g e r in the chest. Don’t be fuckin’ with me. That’s why you never saw a movie where Dracula be walkin’ down the street with a n i g g e r, right? Like say him and a brother be walkin’, Ah, hey bro, what’s happenin’?” “You got it. Bla Bla.” “Yea, a, you know, what’s your story mornin’ glory?” “There’s nothing to it. Bla Bla-la.” “Look man, where you goin’? Which way, you know what I mean? ‘Cause I don’t need to be walkin’ which you, man. You know what I’m sayin’, I ain’t for dat shit. You know what I mean, I ain’t for no ‘blah-la-la-la’, you know what I mean. I ain’t in ‘ta that. I ain’t nothin, ain’t no f a g g o t in me.” “But I’m not a f a g g o t. I vant to suck your blood. Blah.” “Yea, you want to suck my ‘blah-a-a-a’. I know what you want to suck motherfucker, but I don’t play that. You dig? Now get your hand off me you motherfucker! You don’t be touchin’ me! Ya understand? ‘Cause I kick your ass, baby.” “If you hit me, I will fly away. Blah.” “Well, motherfucker, you gonna to have to go somewhere. Now get, get up off me! Sissy mother. You see that dude, that motherfucker I was talking to… bit me where? Say, man, the fuck you doin’ biting me on the neck?” Drac had the heavy shit. He’d bite you. He’d bite little bitches, too, little girls, too. “Anything you say Dracula.” I think my naval wants to say something. Now lets pretend like the lights are out and there ain’t no cameras and none of that shit, you dig? Then I can get down. I have to tell that to myself, then, ’cause you all don’t give a fuck one way or the other, “So what if there’s no camera. You’re just not funny, Dickey.” Thank you, Mom. You fool around? Ah, so, uh… any requests? If this mirror, well I looking in this mirror. I wish I was nude. Hey, does your dick really look bigger on camera? I always wanted to smoke shit, ’cause Clifford smoked shit, made cool sounds, a friend of mine, “This some jammin’ shit. Where’d you get this shit at, man? This is outta site. You want some Rich? Here you go. Yea, it sound cool, bro, but you gotta light it first.” I was always fuckin’ up, man. I never got my shit together. But I tried. I did, man. I always wanted to be cool ’cause you could get pussy if you was cool. Right, ’cause the girls give you pussy. Nobody like pussy nowadays, huh? But in the old days, when you liked pussy, but you couldn’t get it… does anyone remember liking pussy? That was the thing, that was like status, man, if you could get some pussy. And dudes always be like, “Man I had two bitches the other night, The bitches was freakin’ off. The other bitch licked the other bitch’s shoe heel. That’s right, you know, you dig? Ha-ha-a-a! I told her, I said, look here, I’m gonna put a chair in the bitch’s cli-tor-is. I want you to suck the, little bitch.” Had some beautiful stories, man. I always had fun being black. I guess y’all never know. But that’s the price ya pay for being white. ‘Cause it’s hard being white, it ain’t easy. You have to be a certain kinda dude. Can you imagine, like, white dude, Like a dude like you, you go to your job tomorrow, if you walked into your job and go “How’d feel Fred?” “Fuck you!” “I beg your pardon, Fred? Why don’t you just take the day off. You must be overexerting yourself.” You know, they think you’re crazy. N i g g e rs is in trouble. “Well, that’s the way they talk all the time. Just discharge him.” N i g g e rs got to talk that way when you all don’t understand “Please get off my back.” Y’all don’t understand that, “What does he mean by ‘on my back?”‘ Got to articulate it. “Your standing on the man’s sleeno splataurus along with the elevation of the dual process within the limitations of the foot as it processes.” N i g g a s ain’t gonna wait that long for y’all to get up. ‘Cause they got black motherfuckers, now. They be black. Black. I remember when black wasn’t beautiful. Black man come to our neighborhood, “Black is beautiful, Africa’s your home, beware the black man, be proud to be black.” And my parents go, “That n i g g e r crazy.” “Better get your ass away from here with that shit. Don’t start no trouble ’round here.” “When you want me to move ask me to move. I’m Allwell. That’s right, Allwell Jones B.T. Johnson. Ya, understand? You don’t be No n i g g e r, you ain’t gonna hit me with nothin’, Mr. Officer. I don’t take no ass whoopin’, and don’t know nothin’ about unconscience. You got ta kill me. You remember last summer when them 15 police come got that crazy n i g g e r, eight or nine of ’em got fucked up? That’s me! You hit me, I’m gonna bite your dick. I’m gonna die with some nuts in my hand, man. Now, what you gonna do?” Alright, well, we’ll be back. Hangin’ out was the groovy, right? If you could hang out, ya know. I always like to hang out with wino’s and shit ’cause wino’s always new Jesus. Like I said, I was religious? ‘Cause in the Midwest, right, the hillbillies own God. “Hello, out there friends and neighbors. Has God touched you today? Have you been touched by Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ, the Savior of us all. The very same Jesus who touched the rock and turned it to stone. He will be in town June 13th, 14th, and 15th. Coupons will be accepted at the door.” Hope I’m not out of line. I hate to see folks leave when I be talkin’. I hope y’all get raped by black folks with clap. And nothing worse than the black clap. I had the clap once. I thought I was cool, man, ’cause the dudes knew I was getting’ some. “Richie got the clap! Outta site! My man! Yea-a-a-.” I thought that was cool. The clap. Nothin’ like the clap. “There is nothing like the cla-a-a-p.” Moving right along. No, but Oral Roberts is the hippest religious person I know. Ya ever seen his show? The Oral Roberts show? Never seen Oral Robert? He be healin’ motherfuckers? They be goin’, “I’m goin’ see Oral Roberts.” And he straighten them out, and they be goin’, “It was really wonderful.” I can see him in his dressing room, “Five minutes, Mr. Roberts.” Thank you. I’ll be right out. “How’s the house Freddie?” “Ah, ‘s OK, ah, couple real cripples up front. Wanna move ’em back?” “Ah, no, we’re working on cataracts tonight, it’s…” Wino’s are religious, though. ‘Cause they puke. You can’t be no more religious than that, to vomit. “What do you think of life?” Wino’s and fighters. I never could fight, and never could be a good wino. ‘Cause fightin’ was serious. Ya know, n i g g e rs could fight. I never could fight, man. But I had a cool run. In case the girls see me runnin’. “Look, Richard’s runnin’.” “Yes, but he’s cool.” ‘Cause, dudes, I remember the cool dudes, when the cool dudes fight the big dudes, they always fought cool, right? “Ah, what you mean, man. Huh? No wait, hold it. No wait a minute. Oh, get up. No, what you mean? What, you gonna jump on who n i g g e r, Huh? Ya jump on whom? When? Well, you ain’t jumpin’ on nobody. I’m the one in charge. Want to jump on me, motherfucker? Get. Mmmm. Mother. Yea. Ahh. Now do somethin’. Come on, Fred, yea, motherfucker, yea. Frankie!” This shit be getting’ down, boy, they be dukin’. It was beautiful. I never could do it, though. I always wanted to sit on the porch and just look at pussy. Or hang with the winos ’cause they knew Jesus personally. If you die, you could go to Heaven from a wino. “Man, I know Jesus. Shit, live over there in the project. N i g g e r ain’t shit. I new the boy’s mama. That’s right, man. Girl with big titties? Pretty black girl, man. Had personality all over her face. Well, that’s right. I knew her. I’m the one responsible for that girl. She wasn’t no virgin, neither. ‘Cause I knew a couple n i g g e rs eased up there and got some. Shit, be tellin’ me. I ‘member when her son, Jesus, was born ’cause her husband Joe damn near killed ‘er. ‘Cause she told him God made a baby. He beat her with a pool stick. Said ‘Bitch, you gonna tell me who the daddy of this baby is.’ Damn near broke that bitch’s neck. She fessed up. Found out it was Jimmy Walker. That’s right. I knew Jesus when he was nothin’, man. Little boy. I remember when he got killed. I’m the one tried to save the boy’s life. 1935, June 10th. People talk about it was, what, Easter. Motherfuck that… it was June 10, 1935. I said, ‘Boy, don’t you go down to the railroad track fuckin’ with them Jews without no money.’ That’s right. N i g g e r went down there, they killed his ass. Talkin’ ’bout he rose from the grave, shit he wouldn’t get up in the mornin’. Shit, I been around. I ain’t no fool, I studies peoples. I know what peoples comin’ from. Shit, I’m a peopleologist. That’s right. People don’t know what I been doing, man. I’m one of the first colored’s man in the FBl. That’s right, J. Edgar Hoover ‘pointed me personally, girl. Wanted somebody on the railroad to watch the Mexicans. That’s right. Cause couldn’t nobody on the bureau at that particular time speak Mexican talk. Then they hired me. I can understand Mexican ’cause I hear ’em takin’, I say ‘what you say, motherfucker?’ They tell me. Damn. Whew. Whoo. Let’s see you birds sing that! Tweet, tweet my ass. Ya gotta get down. See the people gotta understand this community.. Say fool! You better slow that car down! Goddamn, you don’t come drive down through here Iike you crazy! This a neighborhood, man, this ain’t no residential district! Shit, you coulda kept that sign anything. That ‘ol bitch. You see, that, girl? What you lookin’ fer, a match? Well, go for youself. See, I’m gonna tell you somethin’. See, that fool that just drove, there. That don’t mean nothin’ to me. I lives around here. I’m in charge of this district. I directs traffic every day. I handles these peoples. Listen, this..look, watch. Say ice cream boy! No, we don’t want no ice cream. Can you turn that goddamn noise off? Well, don’t nobody want to hear that tink-a-ling shit this time a mornin’. Yea, I get some of them Pampers on your ass n i g g e r, you don’t turn it off. Well, jump out that car, you bad motherfucker. Yea, I know how get your ass back in there, n i g g e r. Shit, I don’t take no shit. I was in World War I, boy, I’m a vetran. That’s right, I was in France. I was at the battle at Chateau-Brion. You don’t fuck with me. I ain’t no fool. I got mustard gas wounds all over my body. Mess with me. Shit, I understand. I’m pure. My great-great-great-great grandmother was African princess. That’s right, I ain’t got no white blood in me. I’m pure. Name was Cleo. Cleo Johnson. Shit. I been aro. Tryin’ laugh at me. You gotta call, honky. Is that a camera? What that motherfucker over there doin’ with a camera, man? You can’t film this. Can’t get arrested for drinkin’ nothin’. See, peoples got to understand what’s going on with the world. When I was young, I used to pimp. I been around. Shit, Mae West was my whore. That’s right, little short-legged bitch. That’s right. Bitch gave me plenty money. Me and Jack Johnson. I used to box, I boxed Jack Johnson, boy. I boxed that n i g g e r 17 rounds. June 5th, 1905. We fought for 17 rounds, boy, I’d-a won if it don’t snow. N i g g e r saw that white, damn near kilt me. See that boy over there in the street? See that boy? Used to be a genius. Boy used to book the numbers, didn’t need paper or pencil. Now the n i g g e r can’t remember his shoe lace. Get off the street, boy! Look at the n i g g e r. Move, motherfucker! ‘Fore you get run over, boy, get outta the way! Willie! Move outta the street, man. What’s happenin!’ What’s happ. What’s happenin’! What’s happenin’! What’s happenin’! Shit. I see you ‘ol motherfucker. I’m mean motherfuck these calls. I’m directin’ this shit. Oh-h. Say, man, I feel bad enough to drink some milk. Ya got anything?” “Yea, boy, I got somethin’. I got some advice for your ass. You better lay off that narcotic, n i g g e r, that made you null and void. That’s right. You’d better try to go to work and get a job, be somebody respectable. Fuckin’ around out here on the streets like a fool. You could help the community. You better get it together.” “What’s happenin’! Shi… Motherfucker! I used to work motherfucker! I worked for five years in a row when I was in the joint. Pressin’ license plates. Kiss my ass. Truck. Where the fuck a n i g g e r gonna get a job out here in the street pressin’ license plates, man. Ya, understand, ya motherfucker? The motherfucker! Kiss my motherfuckin’ ass, n i g g e r! Kill me, motherfucker! I… I went down to the unemployment bureau, baby, you dig, that’s right. I went in there, put on my white voice, walked in the office, talking ’bout, ‘Good afternoon, I’m applying for a job, I’m wondering, can you help me.’ Freaked the bitch out. Ah-h-h. All be talking ’bout, ‘Oooh, what you been doin’ to your voice?’. Everything, motherfucker. Myyyy. Bitch starting askin’ me who invented Palm Beach, all that motherfuckin’ shit. I said ‘Hey, I gotta get through this shit to get a job!?’ Motherfuckin’ job. Shit, I’d rather be hi-i-i-i-g-h.” “We’re all gonna get high today, boy. Can you get high offa some of this, n i g g e r? Try some-a that.” “What you tremblin’. No, you can’t have none of this now. You gonna tremble, n i g g e r, now what’s wrong with you?” “I’m sick motherfucker. I’m sick, man. I ain’t had no shit, man, in motherfucker. The n i g g e r told me I gotta have some money to get some dope? I did sixty days for that n i g g e r. Ya understand? The motherfucker saw me in the street, man. I was sick in the street… and needed just a little bit a dope. Ya, know, just shoot me up. I be cool ’cause he the n i g g e r who turned me on, man, told me it was cocaine, baby! Say ‘it ain’t gonna fuck with you’, ‘little cocaine’. It be cool. You dig. And my line, man. You know, that motherfucker shot me up with some big boy. And then I got… My momma called me a dog. My momma, mother dear, called me a dog. That’s right, the bitch called me a dog. My daddy told me he don’t want to see me inna vacinity. Just ’cause l stole his television. Shit. And, I’m sick, man, I need some help. I need somebody to walk with me and talk with me till two o’clock tomorrow afternoon when I can get some shit. I’ll be alright, I can handle this white world, then, baby. Ha-ha. I get a little shit in my veins, I can take all the shit. Ya know what I mean? I can take it now. ‘Cause my mind think the shit out I want to think about. But if you hang out with me and lie to me you ‘ol wise thinkin’ motherfucker. You ain’t do that for me.” “I’m gonna do it wit you, boy. I’m gonna walk with ya. ‘Cause I believe you got potential. You could be somebody with a little opportunity like I had back in 1905. I went down to Mexico City ’cause that’s the only place a n i g g e r could go enjoy hisself without prejudice. I went down there, spent my money. I was in Mexico City, right across from the Garcia Hotel. Poncho come out an’ recognize me, man. Poncho, said, ‘hey, baby!’ ‘Poncho, motherfucker.’ And we hugged and kissed and shit, and now, keep walkin’, walk with me, man, I’m gonna tell you ’bout it. Me and Ponch, we worked down here, was just… Black people have a lot to overcome and it ain’t just the mountain. Martin Luther King, said, “l have been to the mountaintop…” I’ve been to the mountaintop too, and I looked over the top, and what did I see? More white folks… with guns. This ain’t as funny as we thought it was gonna be. Motherfuck show biz.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dylan Moran: Off The Hook (2015) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dylan-moran-off-the-hook-2015-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage Mr Dylan Moran. [CROWD CLAPPING] [CROWD CHEERING] Hey! Hello! Thank you! Hello, thank you very much for coming out, thank you for leaving your computer screens and all the arguments you were refining at home, I am very glad you came. Um, now you people, all of you here are the survivors, as far as I am concerned. You are the people who are tough enough to live in London. I didn’t quite make it, I tried it some time ago, but, you know, you need a lot of grit, a lot of gumption. You’ve seen people who wimp out. They move to Kent or whatever and they still think that they’re sort of, you know, in the mix, and they’re not, you know that. They’re finished, they’re not even human beings. You’re glad to see them go, that’s it, you didn’t have what it takes, you couldn’t handle the irony before lunch. Jazzercise for dinner. Didn’t have that thing in you, that makes you hungry, that gives you what you need to live in a paper cup at the bottom of somebody else’s garden in Balham. You gotta have that thing. Twelve hundred pounds a month, it’s a fucking bargain. ‘Cause it’s tough, you know it’s tough here, look at the faces outside. Look, the streets are thronged with people who look like they haven’t been able to take a shit in years. It is tough out there, you know it. Everybody’s here, everybody. Everybody came from everywhere. That’s why all those right wing parties all over Europe, we have one here in Britain, UKIP, telling people to stay away, people. Going, “Stay away!” They’re never going to succeed long term anywhere, because, you know what, everybody goes everywhere, you may have noticed. And we need them, we need everybody. We need all the people that come here. We need all the people from the east, clever, ingenious people from Eastern Europe that came over. A lot of suspicion at first. These are ingenious people, look at what they did after the second world war, after 1989. These people didn’t have a whole lot in a lot of these countries. Their inheritance was, you know, half a cabbage, a rusty spoon and a cow with a cough, so… They had to think and make it work and they did, and now they’re here and people were suspicious for superficial reasons. You know, just because their names look like wifi codes. It’s a name, what does it matter? Does it matter? These people can pickle anything, of course you need them. Nowadays, when you see a Russian in a Hollywood movie, they’re always a villain because of one man, because of Putin. Everybody else is a villain all of a sudden, if you see a Russian in a Hollywood movie, he has a scar, it starts here, it goes over his face, over all the furniture in his apartment, out into the street, he doesn’t have a left hand, he just has a blender or something, and all he says is, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] “Since I come to your country, “it’s very easy for me to make bomb, “from old cereal packet and dead cat, “ha ha ha ha ha.” You need all the voices. You need American voices, you need the American voices from the further west to counteract our European attitude, ’cause those people are so positive, they’re who walk around going, [IN AMERICAN ACCENT] “Giving it 100%, 5,000%, I’m so glad to be here. “Are you good? Hey, how are you? Are you good?” To us that sounds like a threat. What is this giving it 100% stuff, we’re European, we give it 11% okay, that’s it. If somebody you know is on fire in front of you, maybe, you’ll knock it up to 13, but that’s it! But we need them. Even here within these islands people have suddenly gone all suspicious. I live up in Scotland, okay. You know, the other place. It’s become this weird division now, where people are regarding each other with a lot of suspicion, and wariness. You need all the voices of these parts. You need Scottish voices, these people are very good to talk with and argue with, they’re very good at catching you out, they’ll get you on a technicality even at 2 a.m., in a pub. If you listen to them they are very, very refined in their thinking. They’ll say, [IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] “Actually, you’re talking radioactive piss.” The Welsh people, of course you need the Welsh people, the Welsh people have sort of been side-lined because of what’s going on between England and Scotland. Wales is the traumatised child in the car being driven around by the bickering couple looking out the window going, “Oh please!” And you need all the voices, you need Welsh voices, they have the best voice in the world for breaking bad news gently. [lN WELSH ACCENT] “Well, it just sort of exploded you see, it just, “it was fine one moment, we were there and now we don’t go near it, it’s just…” You need, you need English voices, of course, you need English voices. They are very reliable voices for explaining why nothing works. [IN ENGLISH ACCENT] “It’s never worked, it’s always been like that, “it’s fine we like it, don’t touch it.” And you need, you need voices from the Republic of Ireland, of course, ’cause they’re the best excusers in the world. The most carefully crafted excuses that ever existed. People say, [IN IRISH ACCENT] “Oh well, now we would have had it, “but my brother gets wet very easily.” You need voices from Ulster because… I wasn’t actually doing this thinking everybody would be here, but you are, that’s okay. You need that really amazing voice from there because that just sounds like a brain talking to itself, you don’t know what’s going to come out next, it’s like a Van Morrison song. [IN NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT] “l was just there alone with my grapefruit, you know, “so I put it on a piece of wood, I like it in a box. “I go synchronised swimming by myself, you know it saves on the cost. “l haven’t slept in 17 years…” The point is, you need all these people, because people are always blaming other people for the crisis and you are constantly told there is a crisis, we’re in a major crisis all the time, because of the rolling news culture we live in, financial crisis, the collapse happened in all the fun countries, places where you go to have a good time, Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain, you know. Places where people run around in front of you and go, “It’s nice, I make! “You sit, eat, drink, it’s nice!” West of Ireland, very dependant on tourism, and, um… The… You need everybody. The thing is you know, the crisis come and go and you blame this person or that group of people, but the ultimate crisis never changes, it’s always the same. You know, and that’s that we’re all going to die. We’re all going to die, all of us. Yeah, I’m sorry that’s a spoiler, but we are, we’re all going to die, and people hate it when you say it out loud. Most of the time they hate it, especially if you’re having sex. If you’re afflicted with that condition that makes you go, “We are all going to die!” every time you cum, it’s very hard to get the mood back. But we are, and we are all, you know, there’s no point blaming everybody else ’cause we’re all ultimately alone, as well. Here we are, hot fleas in the gulping dark. We are alone. ‘Cause people don’t really have religion any more, you know. You don’t really have religion in this country anywhere, I mean, you know, the Christian religion doesn’t really exist in a big way here. You never really had it, to be honest. We had it in Ireland, that was religion. What you had was a dressing up box with some cardigans with holes in the elbows, everybody would meet up and have some ginger nuts and sing a few tunes and go home, we had religion. The thing that makes you feel bad from the moment you’re awake with God squatting on the end of your bed with his fist pressed between your eyes going, “Wake up, shit bag!” That’s religion. Now that was a very confusing time for a lot of people. I grew up in the ’70s in Ireland and it was intense, the religiosity of the whole country, you know, it was confusing if you were young. I remember saying to my granny, “Granny, how many priests do you have to blow to get into heaven?” And of course, she was an older person, she didn’t want to talk about these things. She would go, “Oh, stop it now, eat your tea,” but I was persistent, “Come on, Granny, how many?” And she would go, “Oh, I hate putting a number on these things “about 40! Now come on, eat!” But that’s not really around, so much, any more. Religion, people are very pleased that religion doesn’t exist. Secular people are delighted, they are thrilled with themselves, their material view of everything, congratulating themselves in the queue outside the Apple shop, which lights up the street the way churches used to, filling in there, feeling the shame, shuffling in because they have the old phone. They go in there to be told how to be liberated by the high priest who are all dressed in black with their piercings and ponytails who explain how the new pocket altar will release them from their earthly burdens. “Now it’s fox, pinker and humptown, “you can upwind monkey fuck on trickle back.” “Oh, great! “l didn’t know what I was doing there for a while, “you’ve completely set me free, thank you so much.” That’s the new religion. My son comes in, he’s completely, excited, you know, he’s 12 and everything, that whole generation is excited about all this technology but he’s kind of ambiguous about it, as well. He knows it’s not real fun a lot of the time, but he goes, “Oh, look, you’ve got to see this game or this app, it’s really interesting.” I grab it off him and I say, “Get out of here, “go and play, go and fall out of a tree, have a fight. “Don’t phone me until you’ve been arrested. Obviously, on a landline from some station. “Come on, this is just gonna waste your time.” Three hours later it’s me stood there going, “Haha!” On Candy Flaps or whatever that thing is. I looked up recently, it was one in the morning, I thought, “What am I doing with my life?” Species are being wiped out, glaciers are melting, somewhere somebody is eating a Swiss roll, and I am doing this, what the fuck am I doing? You know, life is so brief, here we are, there are four ages of human being, child, failure, old and dead, that’s it! That’s all you have. You have to be here and enjoy it. So I said, “What am I doing?” and then I realised I had to get to level 19 or it would all be meaningless. Now, of course people want distraction, of course we do, because reality is pretty tough stuff. The news, you know, all that stuff, the so-called Islamic state people. I tried to look for, you know, some bright points with these people, that’s a bit of a struggle, you know. At the beginning I was watching them and going, “Oh, come on, you scamps. “Stop it now.” But they don’t even take weekends. Somebody needs to tell these people they are seriously interrupting brunch for a lot of people. You look at them and you think, “Oh, my God, this is so bleak, this has got to be peak bleak. “I can’t… I don’t know who I am any more. “I can’t stand this,” you look at it and I don’t even know which snack to eat with which war. Look, say what you like about fundamentalist death cults, they go very well with the heavier cheddars. But you do think, “l don’t know if I can take much more of this shit.” I don’t really watch the news any more. I just have two old men sitting at the end of my room staring at each other, on the hour, every hour one of them shouts at the other one, “Terrorist!” And the other one shouts, “Paedophile!” And then a woman walks in between them and says, “Rain expected.” I’ve got it pretty much covered, I think. No wonder then that people look for other things to watch. Television, you know, all kinds of shit television. Television which was invented in Scotland, of course. My Scottish wife, we live in Scotland, reminds me all the time about all the amazing things Scotland has invented. It goes on and on, lists of things that you depend on every single day of your life, you’re not even aware of. Monkeys, steam, paella, lightning, kung-fu, pubic hair, the list is endless, and… Golf, that’s another one. Golf, you get that at the end of your working life, you’ve worked for 45, 50 years, that’s your reward. You get to hit the tiny ball into the tiny hole four miles away behind the tree using a shoe horn, well done you! To show everyone how into it you are, you have to wear these sexually repellent clothes, so they know just how hard you’re avoiding your wife, well done! But they also invented television which people are very addicted to in terms of distraction, you know. I started watching a lot of television in the last year or so, ’cause I gave up smoking, okay? Yeah, thank you very much, but the thing is, that’s… That revealed to me how exposed I was, ’cause it’s a prop, you know, you depend on something, putting something in your mouth all the time. It’s a screen against the world and so on, and I suddenly felt incredibly alone and depressed, you know, but it’s okay we can talk about depression now, that’s okay because of all the lovely celebrities who’ve come on and talked about their therapies and treatments, they’ve normalized it, and it’s fine now, you can talk about it. Although, I did notice when they were talking about it I felt the same way I feel when I listen to my own friends talk about their depression which is, “You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about. “My self-loathing is much worse than yours. “What’s that you say? “Face down in a pool of Cocoa Pops all day Wednesday? “I wish I had the strength for that.” But it’s good to be able to talk about it, and then, of course you get depressed, of course you get depressed, look, life is hard sometimes, you know? That’s why we don’t want to spend time alone, some of you came here alone and will return home alone and that’s okay but most people are trying to avoid that ’cause they’re afraid of their own thoughts. Have you ever had a bath? That goes on a bit too long, doesn’t it? By the end of that you think, “Get me out of here! “It’s enough, get me out! “I’m alone and I’m wet, I have to dry myself, I hate this bit, “so tedious. “Why do I have to manage all this pork?” And then… I don’t even remember what I was talking about now. I suppose it doesn’t really matter, we’re just talking. Um… Oh, distraction, that’s it. And then… I don’t know where I… Reminder came from but the um, but that’s, I mean, that is something that people do. You drink, drugs, food, shit television, amazingly shit television. The things people watch in this country. Everybody goes on about how Britain makes the best television in the world, it does, but David Attenborough is not responsible for everything. So there’s some extraordinary crap out there. The thing, the baking thing, people are baking and they’re talking about it, baking, bake, bake up. That thing. Cake is a beautiful thing. Why fuck it up by talking about it? The, the whole point of cake is to shut people up! [CROWD CHEERING] You’ve got a cake, it’s a, it’s, it’s, it’s it’s a semi-religious moment, you don’t ruin it by standing there and going, “l did cream and sugar and…” Just shut up and eat it! What’s the other one, that the, the, the you must dance, dance with the old man, get in and dance with the corpse, that one. Who, what genius came up with this? And people are watching this. What’s wrong with them? I mean look at the austerity, the cutbacks, the schools, the funding for hospitals and all that stuff. If you wanna cut stuff back, shut that shit down. If you absolutely have to watch something that stupid… [CROWD CHEERING] If you have to see something, if you need to zone out of your own life so badly, save the money, just draw some smiley faces on cocktail sausages, cram them into Christmas decorations and rattle them on a tray. People will watch anything. I travel around in these hotels, turning on the telly looking for local news and Jeremy Kyle comes on. Who’s watching this horrible man? Somebody… He’s like a drunk seagull, badgering pregnant voles with his beak. [MIMICKING] “You did, didn’t you, you fucked him, didn’t you? You did?” He should be strapped to the front of a fast car and driven into a big hole. But… The, the, the way… No, stop with the… Hang on just… So sorry, wait. The whole clapping thing is great for you, I know you’re there okay, I know, if you… Now, you’re annoying me now. Just… If you’re enjoying this, just give each other a hug, okay. I don’t… ‘Cause l, I talk quickly, I forget. If you clap I’ll forget stuff, okay and the laughing also, we could take that down a bit. They… People will watch anything! Twilight, pale teenagers sucking the lifeblood out of everybody around them. Where is the escapism in this? Anything. Game of Thrones, which has been running for 35 years by my calculation. I can’t look at that, I can’t watch the, the little hunchbacked man put on the amulets and the thongs and the swords and the helmets and the pelmet and the cloak and the daggers and the necklace of dead crows’ arseholes, just to crawl up the hill and go, “The boats are coming.” Oh, please. Do something with your life. People, people engage with this stuff ’cause it’s easier than talking to the people they live with, you know, it’s not so intense. You know, House of Cards or whatever, Francis Underwood isn’t going to turn around to you and go, “Why did you eat all the ham in the fridge, you fat fuck?” You know, you watch these things for years. So that’s what I was doing when I wasn’t smoking, I was watching television, I did some of these drawings as well ’cause you have to do something with your hands you know, you can’t masturbate all day long, I mean that’s… You know it’s, it’s easier if you’re a woman or something, you just hook yourself up to a clock radio or something and wait till it goes ding and you’re done. If you’re a guy it’s complicated, you have to get tarpaulin and ropes and secure the perimeter. I don’t want to get involved in all that shit. So… The… Mainly what I was doing was I started, I was watching a lot of television, a lot of television, and I realised, you know… Do watch the… You sort of absorb voices from around the world anyway. That’s why the people who are trying to keep people out of countries, they’re really not going to succeed long term because not only is everybody everywhere, you’re globalized, they’re in your head, all these voices, little cartoon representations of all the cultures in the world. I realised this ’cause I was doing one of these drawings one day and I thought… I was quite pleased with one of them and I found out I have an African-American man inside me. I didn’t know this but I do. ‘Cause I did one of the drawings and before I knew this or thought it I heard myself say, “That pretty.” Now I didn’t know that was going to happen. But the point is you’re in there, all the people are in there, you have a crew in there. When I was eating in the house, I was eating all the time, all the time and I knew this, it was sort of building up, I began eating in a sort of pretty much semi-professional basis. So I would wake up, it was like I was being sponsored by rival teams of scientists, trying to see if it was possible to eat with your left and right hands all day and night and it is, it’s a question of focus, you have to commit. I was walking around, putting things in my mouth ’cause it’s comforting. I mean babies know this, they come out, they look around, they see it’s a stressful world, they go [MIMICKING CRYING] and they go to the breast and they stay there, they don’t take calls or meetings or anything. They just go, “l don’t want to hear about it numnumnum…” “This is all… I don’t like, numnumnumnum…” “l understand this, the rest of it I’m not so sure.” We should have a giant tit on the wall of every office in the country. If you get stressed out, you can just zip your desk over there, your whole chair and desk and go, “I hate Peter!” “Numnumnum…” “The fucking printer’s out of ink again, for fuck’s sake. Numnumnum…” It calms you down. Putting things in your mouth calms you down. Most of the great times in your life were about putting things in your mouth. A lot of the time. You know, it goes through all your life, not just food but drinks and alcoholic drinks and cigarettes and body parts of people you admire, sometimes all at the same time, some mash potato and vodka martini and, “Hey, you busy?” You know, it’s calming and of course I started getting fat. And that’s what happens. You know, I started creeping up on myself from behind and around, getting cuddly in all the wrong places. Nobody wants cuddly eyes, nobody. And I was deluding myself as well ’cause I was telling myself, “It’s culture, “it’s just part of culture, you know.” You can pretend it’s cultural by having lots of cheese and wine and asking where everything is from. Great big pile of stinking cheese there, “Oh, and where is the cheese from?” “Who cares where it’s from, “it’s here now, “people are fleeing the building, “windows are melting, eat this shit before it kills us all, will you?” “No, I have to know where it’s from. Oh, the Catalan cave cows. “Oh, I love them, “they’re so musical, thank you so much, numnumnumnum…” Eating all the time, walking around eating. I had a drone of self-disgust watching me at all times as I was annihilating any possible moments of thought by eating all the time. “Look at him, look at him, “he’s buttering something as he’s still chewing the other thing.” How disgusting can I get? I am preparing for the next oral event even though I am still in one. Oh, God, I’m disgusting. Look at me, I make sex noises from the strain of buttering the toast. [GROANS] I am vile. “Quick, your wife is coming, hide! Take the hummus.” And… So disgusting to yourself. It’s terrible. This is how religion must have started in early cave times somebody had a tiramisu all to themselves, they finished it and they hung around going, “Oh, God, I’m so disgusting.” And somebody came around the corner and said, “God thinks so too.” “Oh, really, can I meet him?” “No, I’ll tell you what he thinks, “just give me money.” That’s how it began. So, all the time, all the time, all the time. And uh, you know, ’cause the, the mouth is just… It’s good to put things in there. You know, the ear, you can kill half an hour putting things in your ear, tops really. If you use every available orifice and you’re with a friend, maybe two hours tops. But once one of you has the dodecahedron up there and the other one has the triangle, it’s time to hit town and get lunch, you know, so… But I was deluded, I was deluded by my own snobbery ’cause I kept telling myself, “Well I’m getting uh, yeah I’m getting a bit fat, I am.” “That’s the way it is. But I’m still, I’m interesting fat, I’m European fat. “This is interesting, existential, detective, delicatessen fat. “Somebody wandering around, moodily chewing on a piece of prosciutto “as they wander down to the docks to see if the doughnut boats are in. “It’s not like I’m American fat. I’m not one of those guys, one of those huge people. “They wouldn’t even know if they had a monkey hanging from their cock, “too busy blodging around going, ‘ls there any more? “‘Any more cheese? I just want to eat it until I can feel my heart beating in my face.”‘ Um, but you know it just comes, it just comes to you anyway, you suddenly get seriously uncool, that’s how age functions, everything is sort of the same, everything is the same for ages you know, it’s like you’re there and you’re talking to your friend and you’re going, “Yeah, yeah, anyway and we did this and we did that and…” You know, Madonna is there reassuringly in the background going, # Like a virgin # [SCATTING] “And then, so we did this…” And then, you turn around and suddenly it’s Nicki Minaj going, “Ha ha, ha ha!” It’s a totally different kind of poetry and you just… The world has changed around you, and you are older, older, because the middle-age bus arrives. Nobody knows it, nobody wants to get on, it just comes for you, screeches to a halt right beside you, “It’s time to get on.” You don’t want to. Everybody gets on resisting, going, “Not me, “I’m too young, I don’t want to get interested in architecture, please, not yet!” “Oh look, an inscription, argh it’s happening, help me somebody!” And then you’re taken away to become a different person. And it’s alienating and frightening because you start liking things you don’t like. Quiet music, “Mmm,” “Put that Buble bullshit on again, I really like that.” You never liked it before, and now you’re going… [SCATTING] Serial killer music. That’s what’s happening in a serial killer’s head when they’re sawing somebody else’s off. [SCATTING] Ripping the spine out and playing Jenga with the vertebra… [SCATTING] Vaginating the bladder and making a hat… Let’s not get into details. The… The things appeal to you that used to disgust you, why else do people vote conservative? That must be what happens, it must be what happens to people. [CROWD CHEERING] ‘Cause they suddenly get, they start getting attracted to the, to the semi-repellent things. It’s like the really, really strong cheese and conservatism are basically the same thing. Um… A cruise, the idea of a cruise. I mean that would have made you just vomit all over yourself. And then suddenly you’re going, “Oh, yeah, travel without moving, I’m in.” “l can just be there like a starfish, “every hour and a half somebody will come and pour gravy all over me, yeah. “Where do I sign?” So yeah, you become this older person and it is quite odd, you know, and you can feel young people judging you to a degree. ‘Cause I’m at the other end of the telescope now. I remember… A lot of young people here, I remember being in my twenties, looking at people my age going, “What is wrong “with these, those people, why are they so weird?” “Why are they so shapeless and sexless?” “Why do they talk about renewing their car insurance for 45 minutes.? “What the, what the fuck are they up to?” “They must be smarter than that, what are they doing?” “Why are they so deliberately bland?” But now I’m here, I can tell you what’s going on. This is what’s going on, death becomes real and you think, “Maybe he won’t notice me “if I don’t experience anything intensely.” You just… All the gestures you used to have, all the big denunciations and accusations and declarations all the, “You!” and “Me!” and “That!” Suddenly just becomes, “Hmm, yeah, I know, kind of, yeah.” Um… He can’t kill you if you’re not properly alive, can he? Um… So, that’s why. And l, you know, I went to um, when I was eating all the time professionally, I would uh… My wife was really good about it, she didn’t refer… Never called it my stomach or anything, she would just sometimes mention, “The situation.” And um, sometimes she would say, “Why don’t you take the situation for a walk?” So, I would go to the supermarket ’cause you can eat there and nobody stops you, ’cause if anybody comes up to you, you can just go, “Fuck off, I’m going to buy it.” Um… And actually when I was there I found another voice inside me, this spirit guide, this elderly lady. And she looked after me. I think she was Asian but the main thing is she was wise. ‘Cause when I was reaching out for the thing I really wanted, the honey, nuts, cluster, fudge, fuck bomb, or the Iemon, coconut, apocalypse, ripple, yum-face dish, whatever it was, when I was reaching out she would leap into my frontal cortex and scream at me, [lN ASlAN ACCENT] “It’s a not for you, it’s not for you, walk away! “You go salad bar or some shit like that. Leave for other people, fatty!” She was there for me. More proof, if we needed any, that you need a team inside you. But you can’t go to the supermarket all the time, not all the time. So, one day I went to the art gallery and there was this old man there by himself and he was sort of quite striking, he was carefully dressed and looking at the work and walking around, obviously just you know having his own experience, and I am sort of moved by him ’cause he looked quite elderly and alone. And I thought “Oh, wow, that’s great you know, he is out and “registering his own responses, that’s how, you know, “how you should be living when you’re older.” And then he turned around and saw me and he sort of had this wrinkle of disgust in his face and moved away because I was wearing these crappy cut-off jean things, the sort of things that you paint a house in or bury a dog in. [CROWD LAUGHING] I had on these odd socks, a blue sock and a brown sock, ’cause I wasn’t paying attention when I was dressing and l’d cut the tops of the socks so my circulation still works. [CROWD LAUGHS] And I had some rubbish T-shirt on with stains and things, I didn’t look you know, as incredibly stylish as I do now, and he just maybe thought I was wandering around and he went away. And then this beautiful couple came in, people in their late 20s roughly and they were you know, tall elegant people, Iots of cheek bones and four elbows each and long and sinuous and elegant and wafting around, looking at the stuff. And then I saw them elbow each other and sort of point over in my direction and they were sniggering and then they disappeared, and I thought, “Well you know, they’re young, it doesn’t matter, “I’m a mature person that kind of thing doesn’t bother me.” But I’m not a mature person and it did bother me and I really wanted to find the young man again so I could tell him, “Listen, “this, all this, “do you think anyone chooses this?” [CROWD LAUGHS] “This just comes, this is for free, “this is the future, it belongs to you. “Right now you are walking around this art gallery with this beautiful young woman “and you’re talking about these paintings “and how they make you feel and she is listening. “You have peaked as a human being. Believe me.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “It doesn’t get any better than that. “You, you don’t know anything, “nobody chooses this, “l didn’t ask for one tit to be bigger than the other, -“I really didn’t.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “l never dreamed that one day I would be sitting on my couch with my one huge ab.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “Covered in crumbs, listening to the sound of my own mouth breathing. “ldly watching Dragon’s Den, the invention programme thing “where somebody comes around and they pitch ideas, “waiting for the genius who will finally walk in with the discrete spatula, “the thing you thread through the arm of your jacket, “that goes all down through your clothes “and dislodges your bollocks from the side of your thigh “when you’re standing in the supermarket queue so you don’t have to do this, “‘Hey, Mrs Johnson, how’s it going?”‘ [CROWD LAUGHS] “But he hasn’t appeared, that particular genius hasn’t showed up yet, “men are still not free, one day somebody will figure out “how to quietly peel the octopus from the wall of the aquarium tank “but not yet!” [CROWD CHEERING] “I didn’t ask for any of this! “Sonny Jim, okay! “You sit around on Sunday mornings propped up on your elbow, “looking at your beautiful girlfriend brushing crumbs of toast “from her beautiful breasts with her coppery hair falling all around her shoulders “and she’s looking at you, thinking you know, “‘When are you going to get a job,’ as you talk about your fucking “starts ups and your pop ups. “And the organic runway and how you’re the eyes inside the bleeding edge of the cloud “and you’re going to deep dive your own dot bomb and all that shit. “And she’s thinking, ‘When is this guy ever gonna earn any money “‘or am I gonna pay the rent by myself ’til we’re both dead, is that the deal?’ “And a few years later you’ll have a child “and she’ll walk up to you one day after an argument and say, “‘Here, hold the kid, I’m going for a walk,’ “and you won’t be sure if she’s ever gonna come back. “And then a little while after that you’ll start waking up in the morning “and putting your hand in the sock drawer “and pulling out and putting on whatever is in there “as long as it’s not a bra or the torso of an action figure. “You don’t need a bra anyway ’cause your t-shirt has ridden up overnight “and sits nice and snuggly there where you need it.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “And you’ll just be glad to be alive. “You don’t know anything right now, “all you know is romance, that’s the easy stuff! “Standing around your loft apartment, you’re both dressed in white “throwing each other annoying looks all day long. “The cats are walking over the piano “and giving each other more annoying looks, ‘Oh, I know you, you know me, “‘l know you, we have made love 10 minutes ago, “‘we will probably do it again in another 10 minutes, “‘l know you and your crazy genitals.’ “The cats are drinking espressos and reading the Sunday supplements.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “Let me tell you something, when you really know somebody, “when you both really know each other you don’t look at each other at all! “You don’t need to, you can feel each other walking into the postcode. “It’s like that old song ‘why do birds suddenly burst into flames.’ “I’m talking about love! “Not romance, “that thing that makes you grip your own skull and scream for death “and then look up and say, ‘Coming!’ “That special something that gives you the energy to go and “pick scatter cushions with another human being. “Even though you have no clear conception of what a scatter cushion might be “or why anybody would buy a cushion and throw it away. “You agree to do this even though the person you’re doing it with “has an inhuman degree of refinement in the act of choosing “and they look at you with an intense face and say, ‘What about this one, “‘do you think it’s green enough to be green, green?’ “ls that even a question? Can that be answered? “l don’t know. “‘What about this, do you think the waffles underneath it are creepy? “‘Feel them.’ ‘I’m feeling them, okay, I’m feeling them.’ “‘Are they creepy waffles?’ “‘l don’t know, to be perfectly honest with you.’ “‘But they’re creepy cause they’re underneath.’ “‘Well, couldn’t you turn it over?’ “‘Don’t be insane! “‘What about this one, do you think it’s weird?’ “‘Well, it’s a bit weird.’ “‘Why are you saying that, I knew you would say that!’ “‘Well, it’s made out of willow twigs and snow and krill, “‘it’s a little weird, it has a heron skull in the middle also.’ “‘l knew you would say that, you never let me get anything I want.”‘ But you know, you figure it out, it takes time but you figure it out. Basically, in any relationship you work this out, it took me years, one of you is Bert, one of you is Ernie. That is what it comes down to, one of you is really good at chopping up vegetables really small and explaining factional loyalties in the Middle East. And the other one is really good at saying, “Help! I’m locked outside, I can’t feel my arms!” [CROWD LAUGHS] Let’s have a little break, I’ll see you in a minute, thanks, bye. Thank you, thank you. Okay, now, so… I don’t remember what we, how we ended this the last… I don’t, but anyway, the um, this is my… I realised I am very lucky to have this job, um, you know I know lots of people that do similar stuff, they make things, they work in theatre, you know? People who come into places like this and they go… “Oh, I love this space, I love it! “ls there any way we could make it bigger and smaller at the same time? “Somebody get me a cappuccino, please, no coffee or milk. “I love this…” You know, tossers, they’re my friends. People are scared, the young people out there are worried about getting jobs and everything and you know, resentful also, not just thinking my generation is weird ’cause we’re middle aged but also resenting us ’cause you know, nowadays there’s no money, no jobs, the planet has about eight weeks left. Well, you know, we’re sorry and everything but we had a long weekend and it got out of hand. We needed iToilets, that’s what happened. You’re always whining, you lot though, I mean look on the bright side, you’ve got Mars, that’s exciting. You can pick out the bath mats for that and everything and enjoy the solar wind. We’ll all be dead but you’ll have a great time. I mean, my children are in the school system, they panic about jobs and what’s gonna happen out there, they freak out ’cause all the exam stress and all that stuff. They keep changing the exams and everything and they come in and say, look at this maths, what the… x-y=c and c is an integer and also maybe a negative value, hmm? What’s that? They’re panicking. I say, “Don’t panic.” They say, “Of course we’re panicking ’cause we’ve heard the news, “it’s hard out there, what do we do?” I say, “Listen, don’t panic, when we get panicky we get snappy “like you’re being right now, and also we get shaky. “We look for the little door under the stairs and we go in there “and we rock back and forth, don’t we? “Milk builds up at the front of the house, cats take over, we die, they come, “they kitten into our skulls and then “our corpses are found by future generations. “It’s distressing, so let’s not panic… “x-y=c integer, what’s it all about? “Look, here’s a pound, “you know almost instinctively “how many sweets you can buy with a pound, right? “Here’s the thing, here’s five pounds, “imagine how many teeth you can make explode with this. “I didn’t understand all that maths stuff the first time around, “I am not looking at it again, take the money, I’ll see you later!” ‘Cause, you have to be straight with your kids. It’s confusing out there. My son comes to me and he says, “Hey, Dad, can I get an ice-cream?” And I say, “Have you cleaned your room?” He says, “No,” I say, “Well no, “work and reward, that’s how it goes, no chore, no ice-cream.” He goes, “Yeah but Dad, I’m just talking about you know, a thinking person’s ice-cream. “No flake, no sprinkles, just you know, I’ve got to work a couple of things out. “Come on, Dad, I’m from the old country like you, come on.” I say, “Forget it! I’ve got a headache we’ve spoken about it so many times,” and he goes, “Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, “a ball of ice-cream suspended mid air, no cone or anything, “I’ll run around very quick underneath it. Come on, Dad, “be a mensch, don’t put it through the books.” And I say, “I’ve got a headache,” and he says, “Would you like an ice-cream?” “I would like an ice-cream actually.” “I can make that happen.” “Okay there’s the money, I’ll clean your room.” You have to have a system. You have to have a system. Now I wasn’t ready… I’ve got a fantastic daughter as well, 17 years old but she still takes the time, that’s the nice thing, she still takes the time to sit down beside me and go, “Ew! You’ve got hair in your ears, “you couldn’t get any more disgusting but you did! “Ew! “Here, I’m gonna take a selfie of your ear, look at that, “look at the pig’s bum on your head.” The thing is, you know, I wasn’t ready for children, of course I wasn’t, I’m a man, men are not ready for anything, men spend their whole lives going, “Huh, now? Really? Ah, okay, ah, ah…” That’s how they die. [WHIMPERING] Not ready for any of it. Women are ready, women imagine it, emotionally, imaginatively, they have a time machine, they can travel, and imagine possible futures, ’cause they’re interested in life, you know, they’re quite interested in living. Men are afraid of life ’cause it involves loss so, and change, and they can’t stand that. Women go, “Yes, maybe this, maybe that,” they imagine a possible future with children and they go, “Yeah, let’s do that.” They know the man’s not going to be ready, he goes, “Yeah, one day, not today.” ‘Cause men are really good at wanting things. They go around wanting things. “Where is all the stuff I want? Is it here? “No? Fuck it!” And children are really good at needing things, and that trumps wanting. Because, I mean, children have weird needs. I didn’t know the things they need, they need pets, it’s not a whim, it’s not a fanciful desire, it’s a need. For years the children were coming to me going, “Daddy, please! Daddy please!” “No,” I said, “be gone!” In my throne of skulls in the kitchen, “Leave this place!” “Daddy, please! “A little furry with eyes and it goes mm-hmm, “please!” “Leave now! Take your sister with you.” In the end, you know, I realised, it’s good for the children, of course it’s good for the children. The child is, you know, with the parents all the time, looking after it, and they are in charge of this child and the child has to do whatever they say, whatever is going on. “Eat the crazy food we made. “Oh, look we’re having an argument, what’s happening, nobody knows, “never mind, it will all be fine tomorrow, “probably, good night!” So of course the child wants a little creature it can look after and you know, care for and say, “Have you been a good guinea pig? Have you been good guinea pig? “Have you been good guinea pig! “How would you know, you have no moral compass! “Do this maths homework!” And… You know really, the other thing is, I mean it’s the way people learn about grief, that’s the other function of pets, that’s the truth of course. When you open the door of the pet shop, really what you’re saying is, “Which thing that dies do you want?” That’s the truth. So they chose a hamster and the hamster was this size, this size, okay? He ate my couch, and he… There was one leg left and some foam, that was it, grrr, then he ate the cables to the fridge, then he ate the Internet, and then he fucked off, gone. The pamphlet from the pet shop said look for a bad smell, we found 4859 different bad smells and no hamster. When we did find him, it was a week later in the hotel my children had made me buy him. He was dead at his desk, he had been writing prison poetry. Tiny bottle of Jack Daniels beside him and a pile of pills. Both hands down his shorts, he had been writing terza rima. And then of course we had floods of tears, all over the house, floods of tears, wailing, weeping, nashing and then more replacements. There was Dieter, Fenula, Cukoo, all these different people arrived, guinea pigs, hamsters arrived and they would last about seven minutes. They’d come in and go, “Hi, I’m so excited to be working with you people, “I’ve heard a lot about you here, very, very exciting time for me, ahh!” And they would have a stroke, that’s it, and then the tiny garden at the back of the house is a mass grave full of these fuckers. One morning my wife woke me up, I just heard this voice, Sunday morning, 7 a.m., midnight, right? And I am in deep communion with the pillow, the pillow is here, I hear this voice, “Dylan.” “What?” “Dylan, wake up.” “What, what is it?” “The rabbit.” “What rabbit?” [NOISES] “No, listen, the rabbit is dead!” [GROANS] “No, really! He is. “Listen, he has no head.” [LAUGHS] I had to get up. I went into the garden and there was this perfect rabbit, perfect! Not a hair out place, not a drop of blood not a blade of grass moved, no head! Nothing, and a five layer modernist fox shit right beside him. Might as well have had a card on it saying, “That’s how I do, I see you later!” It was amazing. The threat, and then we had to get a dog, they wanted to get a dog. “Dog, dog, dog,” “No, no, no, no, no.” I’m saying. Now, of course we have a dog, of course we do, because I’m the father, people don’t listen to fathers, that’s the truth. ‘Cause fathers are not considered people in families, they’re not. A big force, yes, an elemental force even, sure, but not a person. Look at the Christmas presents fathers get. Nobody knows who this guy is, that’s why they come up to him… That’s why they come up to him and they go, “Here you go, we got you a… what is it, “it’s a woolly penguin, you squeeze it and says ‘fuck’ in Dutch! “You might like it.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] They don’t know who he is. “It’s a giant clog made out of lunch meats from all over the world. “You get into it and it plays the Austrian national anthem. “l don’t know, we thought it may be your thing.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] They don’t know who the guy is. So, of course we have a dog. Now, I don’t want to be here standing, talking about my fucking dog either, okay, that was never the plan for me. I didn’t want a dog, I didn’t want to stand up here and talk about it. You know, I remember passing these guys in the hills around where we live. These guys standing there in their barber jackets with some huge animal on the lead, taking a shit in the weeds and they would look at you with this face as if to go, “What can you do, eh?” Well you could not look around for excuses for giving up on your dreams, you fucking loser, that’s what you could do. I used to think that, I didn’t say it, now I don’t think it, I just say, “Morning, Bob.” So, anyway… So we were going to get this pup, from this friend of mine, and… He wanted to meet in this coffee shop place near where he lives, so I went and it’s one of these places, and they’ve popped up everywhere, they’re everywhere now, London’s full of them. You know what I’m talking about, they’re really cool, and this stripped back wood, and just bare brick, no real furniture just coffee sacks, it’s too cool for furniture, just coffee sacks and half of an old surf board signed from the 1950s, something like that… Very intimidating ifyou are of a certain age. I walked in, I was the only person who did not have an Edwardian cricketers beard. Very excluded I felt and everybody has a lot of tattoos. Tattoos used to be an anchor or a girl or a tiger, now there is the Book of Deuteronomy, and it’s becoming Lord of the Rings, it doesn’t stop, it just goes wrap around the whole, piercings everywhere, it looked like somebody’d gone by the building and just gone… [IMITATES SHOOTING] [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] A lot ofvery earnest conversations, “Mmm, mmm, “yes, Hugo, we should, we should open a cauliflower bar, “we fucking should. “Yeah, brilliant idea, “a ukulele patio, that’s fucking great idea Miles. “Yeah, let’s do it, let’s crowdsource that shit.” People having those conversations, the tattoos, the piercings, one man with an actual javelin through his chest, nodding in the corner. So I’m very intimidated. I go up to the chief beard in front of his Harley Davidson coffee machine, there’s too many coffees, there’s too many different types of coffee. I wouldn’t… “Fetafetaggo”, I don’t want that, scaraccino, just give me a cup of coffee please. I say, “Do you put two shots in the coffee here?” He goes “Yeah!” Like I’d insulted generations of his family. I say, “Well, can I get it in a slighter bigger cup please, thank you,” and he went “Yeah, you could,” and he didn’t move. I thought maybe this is a new thing too so I just stood there looking at him, he didn’t move, thinking…. “Hmm. “Make it so… “l know you’re resentful of me and everything “because you have a degree in Marine accountancy or whatever it is, “and you have to pour coffee for a living but that’s the way it happens sometimes… “Just please, can you do this, what happens next?” And he is staring at me and he said, “You could, but you’re going to lose the umami-ness of the single origin bean.” That’s what the man said, okay. I said, “Okay, but you can still do it, right?” It was pretty neutral, very mature, isn’t it mature? Then he said, “Yeah, but it will get radially diffused on the camber of the cup.” I don’t know what I said then, ’cause we were on the street all of a sudden and he was saying some stuff about coffee, I was making some speculations about him and his place in the universe and in what possible continuum he might get laid. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And it ended with me walking away and him shouting after me, “Enjoy your attitude problem, enjoy your life.” So I was really, really mad, okay, I was furious mainly at myself for losing my temper. So I go to my friend’s house, and my friend is annoying at the best of times. He didn’t understand the situation at all. He’s one of these people that’s always keeping up with cool stuff and telling me what I should watch and read and what I should be doing and all, you know… “Have you seen the new Scandinavian crime series?” “l haven’t, no.” “It’s brilliant!” [FAKE SCANDlNAVIAN LANGUAGE] “It’s Finnish, it translates as ‘hush,’ “It’s about these… “It’s about these three detective fishermen who get trapped in the hut over the winter, “they’re all in love with each other, “one of them goes deaf because it’s so cold, “the other one gets fat because he’s got a lot of bait hidden in the hood of his parka. “The other one is narcoleptic and insomniac, he spends the whole time just doing this.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “lt lasts for a year and a half, “you have to see it in the original Finnish otherwise you lose all the ‘nawaganas,’ “which is Finnish for nuance.” So, there’s all that, right, and he didn’t understand the coffee situation. He was just following me around going, “How can you argue with the coffee guy? “‘Hi, can I get coffee,’ how can you have an argument?” I didn’t want to talk to him. I just wanted to sit down. I wanted to sit down, and I tried to sit down on this woolly chair but it shat on me. And then he came running over, “Oh, you found the dog, “you found the dog!” ‘Cause he didn’t have a proper dog, you know, he had one of these modern fucking “fadududuru schnoodle” dogs. What happened to dogs? The dogs. You know dogs, Labradors, I grew up with those classic dogs. Labradors, it’s a human being in dog form, you know what it is, it’s walking around going, “Have you seen my glasses? “l don’t know where they are I can’t find the… Where is it? “I’m sorry, have you got the crossword?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Even if they’re annoying you can recognise them, you know a spaniel, you know, is like some drunk auntie at a party, one whose ears keep going into their mouth and they have to spit them out. I’m a spaniel, I’m a spaniel, I’ll always be a spaniel. Or the St Bernard, they are ludicrous looking but you know what they are, they are that dog, the one where, you go up the mountain, because you’re a dick. All those people doing those sports, ridiculous sports, calling you in the middle of the night in January, “Hi. I’m stuck up the mountain, it didn’t go well…” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] The mountain at night in January, how does it go right? “What are you doing?” “We are having a curry, go away,” click. All of those people doing those sports, fly diving and hole finding. They’re responsible for their own actions, okay. If you want a sense of danger, stop wasting everybody’s time, okay? Blindfold yourself and walk around your flat, have a friend hit you with a stick. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] But, if you go up the mountain, you know the dog, it’s the dog that comes over and drinks brandy watching you die, it’s that dog. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But he didn’t have a proper dog. He didn’t have a proper one, he had one of these dogs, you don’t know what they are. It looks like a car wash with teeth, you don’t what it is. And he came running over saying, “You found him, that’s our ‘Schnaper Daniel.”‘ He’s on his knees tickling the dog. “He’s called Mr Beans, isn’t he adorable? “We called him Mr Beans “because the first thing he did when he came into the apartment was “he jumped up on that table over there and he ate a plate of beans. “Isn’t that adorable?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I said, um… “l also like beans. “My name is not Mr Beans. “My name is Mr Shit Shoes, ’cause I have shit on my shoes. “When you are quite finished giving Mr Beans a hand job, or whatever you are doing there, “l would like a towel or a shovel or something okay, thank you very much.” Because the thing is he had gone for the easy relationship. Which is with a dog, that is not challenging. The dog never says anything difficult, like at meal times, doesn’t turn around and go, “Tut, tut, tut, why do you do that thing with your mouth? “Are you always going to do that, “am I going to have to look at that shit for the rest of my life?” All the dog ever says is, “l can’t believe you came home again, I can’t believe you came home again.” Is that it? Is that all the challenge you want in your life? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I happen to live with somebody who’s very stimulating, who asks me deep, philosophical questions that are hard to answer. Like she’ll walk through the kitchen and see me and go… “You’re wearing that shirt?” “It’s looking that way…” “But we’re going out, out of the house, people will see me with you, “works out rather well for you. “You look like you make a living fighting pigs in a hole, “put a different fucking shirt on.” I don’t argue, I don’t argue, I am not good at the arguing thing, it’s not my field. Some people are good at it. Somebody who knows you, don’t argue with someone who really knows you, ’cause they can just flip you, one handed. She knows all the moves. She’ll walk in, “You’re in a bit of a weird mood… Ah!” There’s no way you don’t react to that. “What, what do you mean?” Huh! “Well look, you’re being so aggressive.” And then you sort of twig what’s going on and then you go, “l am not, I am not, I’m not aggressive.” “Well, you’re very passive aggressive.” “I am not passive aggressive.” “Okay, but you’re very defensive or something, “I’ll see you later when you’re in a better mood.” And you’re just left there going… [SCREAMS] Very hard to think of a comeback. “You are just using me for sex!” -Um… [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But the thing is it’s great to be known by another person as well. You don’t know what to give each other at anniversaries ’cause you’ve been together for so long. You know? It’s not like when you first meet, there you go, cotton or silk or whatever it is, or when you are ancient you just roll on top of one another open your mouth and rubies fall out. It’s this ambiguous middle passage, nobody knows what you’re supposed to do, 18 years, 17 years, “There you go, “There’s a remote control covered in Nutella, I thought you’d enjoy that.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] You gotta work it out, you know. How you’re gonna do it. I mean, what happens is, you end up dividing tasks. You know, you are good at this, the other person is good at the other thing. My wife is, one of her areas is, you know, the future. What that is, where it’s happening, what time it starts, what’s gonna happen in it. The past is also something she has made her own. What actually happened, who is responsible, how the crime shall be remembered. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Sometimes while we’re busy talking about something else! And my overwhelming resemblance to all the villains in history. Also the present is something she curates, something she understands. But no one person can do everything, that’s out of balance in a relationship, you can’t have that, that’s, you know, it’s stupid, so, I taste the crisps. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] There’s a lot of new flavours out there now. Beetroot and vertigo, Horseradish and deja vu, people don’t know how to approach those sometimes, you have to step in for them and tell them it’s okay… You know, you work it out… And of course it’s very rewarding, but people are misrepresented, men are misrepresented to women, you know, they’re always built up as heroes in films and so on. My favourite bit in those action films is when the ordinary guys who turns out to be a hero turns around to his own family and goes, “Everybody just shut up, stop arguing, “do what I’m saying, trust me for a minute!” That’s when all my family burst out laughing and point at me, and go, “Hahahah, imagine how quickly we would be dead.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “Imagine all the different ways we would be dead.” Men are not heroes by and large, you know, you make it to middle age, you’re not hero most of the time, you are just, a jelly baby with a few quid. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Women are misrepresented of course as well. I mean young men are full of nonsense about women, now, because of all the way they’re described, also because of pornography, that’s part of it. I didn’t know anything about pornography growing up, it didn’t exist in ireland. If somebody had a picture of a woman’s arse, it was a huge deal. People would start arranging ferries. There were power surges in the infrastructure. Now, you wake up and go, “Take the anal wall paper away, I just want some Weetabix please.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Why are they called adult films anyway, what’s all that about? What’s adult about putting a part of yourself in and out of somebody else thousands of times in the space of a couple of minutes and looking pretty unhappy about it? A really adult film would be some bored looking woman sitting at a kitchen table looking out a rainy window and some depressed looking guy comes around the corner and says, “The bowel condition is fatal.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And she goes, “Mmm, well I still don’t love you.” And then “The End” appears. That’s an adult film. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But women are misrepresented because a lot of young men are told about hot babes, “Check out these hot babes, look at these hot babes, “listen to these hot babes walking around on modern flooring surfaces, “look at them, look at this hot babe over here taking her contact lenses “in and out, ooh, that’s hot. “What about this one? Look at her, she’s thinking of moving to Shrewsbury, mmm. “Saucy! “What about this one over here on the bus, “staring at her feet wishing they were a bit smaller. “She’s regretting that argument she had with her sister at Easter, ooh, that’s hot!” All women are hot, scientifically they are hot because they all regulate their temperature in a totally different way to men. Now this is the science section, okay. Some of you don’t understand science, it will sound like generalisations. They… [CLEARS THROAT] The… [APPLAUSE] During the day, the day light hours all women, all over the world, are freezing. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And there’s a reason for this, it’s got to do with information processing. Women, as you know, were the original model for the lnternet. If the woman is doing something and she goes over here, she travels, she goes somewhere else, she goes, “Oh, I’m over here now, oh, it’s windy, oh look I found a grapefruit, brilliant, “I’m bringing that home.” She talks to another woman, “What’s it like over there?” “Well, it’s a bit windy but you get a grapefruit.” “Brilliant.” That’s the lnternet! Now. A man gets hold of a piece of information, he thinks, “Hahaha, I have an advantage over everybody!” He curls into a ball and dies there on that spot. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] It’s a totally different process, I know this ’cause I come home with a cool story to share with my wife, you know, this is just a gender split, ’cause I’ll come home with a cool story like you know, “l saw your friend in the supermarket!” You see, that’s something to share. And… And she’ll… I’m not a trained sociologist with a coat and everything, but then, what they probably call, all the crazy shit starts because she turns around with her insane requirement for detail, she’ll turn around and say, “Oh, really! Who?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I don’t… You have 4,000 friends, I have no idea, there was a woman I recognised, she has big hair. “Oh, Angela!” “Yeah. I think that’s her, yeah.” “ls her husband’s cousin’s orthodontist back from Peru?” “l don’t know that, I don’t know… “She was buying tomatoes, I didn’t talk to her in case she asked me something.” It’s a totally different way of sharing information. So all women during the day are freezing because all the kilojoules in their bodies are burnt up, by knowing everything about everybody around them, for a two-mile radius. And to make it worse, everybody they live with is a clueless zombie. So the women are standing around all day generally just freezing, just feeling cold, “Oh God! Somebody give me a cardigan, “please fix the draught, what’s with the fucking radiator in this house, “what’s wrong with everybody? “Nobody knows anything, they’re gonna come in and ask me stuff, “here they come, here they come “and they come, ‘Hey, have you seen my…’ ‘Yeah I put on the stairs an hour ago, “‘l knew you’d want it yeah, are you running for the train? “‘Yes, I made you a sandwich, I knew you wouldn’t think of it, “‘Yes, it’s vegetarian. That’s gonna last for a day and a half, you fucking moron. “‘What is that dear? Irregular Spanish verbs, “‘yeah, bring them over here, I can’t wait, there you go. “‘There you go, yeah.”‘ Freezing all day long, she gets into bed, she’s doing nothing, she falls asleep. Boom! She goes on fire. [LAUGHS] And then turns around and says, “Why do you never put your arms around me any more?” “That’s because I want them back, that’s why. “l don’t want two charred stumps. Thank you very much. “Nobody told me I was marrying fissile material. “What are you burning in there?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And… They’re all hot. Now, you know, I’m not a hero, but I sort of imagine like most people, I think of myself as reasonably, not brave, but you know, sanguine or cool about most things, and… I said that after… We got this film, we were watching this film, it was, you know, a heroic film and I was thinking, I can’t do any of that stuff, but I can’t remember the last time I was really afraid and my wife said, “Oh, well, I can.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] We were watching television and she was right, ’cause it was one of those scary films, I love bad scary films, that’s what it was, it was from the ’70s or ’80s, it was terrible, it was you know, creaky landing and a woman with a nightgown with a candle, and there was a window with net curtains going “ooh,” and my wife was petrified, it is very funny watching, I wasn’t watching the film, I was just watching her. ‘Cause she was going, “Oh, the candle, the curtain, the curtain, the candle, “oh, something’s gonna happen.” I was laughing and falling around, I went to get some more wine or a cup of tea or whatever it was, I came back and she flipped to that thing, where babies, actual babies are coming out of real people! Born in a minute, that thing, and they are coming out and I was going, “Ah, no, no, no!” And she was saying “What’s the matter?” Eating lasagne. “It’s just twins.” -And… [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] She’s feeling very brave then but she couldn’t handle it if there were curtains down there going “ooh,” and the babies came out with a candle going, “ahh, ahh.” So different things get you and the other thing that got me was we were walking along the river, and I don’t like heights or the dark, they are pretty much universal fears. I thought I was good with everything else but I don’t like small flying objects coming at me at high speed. And that’s what happened, a small flying object came at me at high speed, I shrieked as I fell, I’m a practical person. [CLEARS THROAT] Got into the foetal position, you hear a lot about how empathetic women are, I am not sure how empathetic my wife was feeling at the time ’cause she was busy laughing, it was that silent laughter where there’s nothing, she was just rocking. And after about half a minute she was able to work me into her schedule and go, “A leaf, “a leaf, a leaf, a leaf.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] In some cultures people would probably call that fear. And um… [CLEARS THROAT] [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But… Actually I’ve talked for far too long, I should go. The… I’m gonna tell you this and then I’m gonna go. I don’t think… I don’t… Oh, thanks, that’s very, that’s very… There’s nothing left. [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] There is but I am not going to remember it. You get to a certain part and that’s it, the car stops. Then it’s this, okay. One of the few things I can imagine that probably is easier, a bit easier for women, if you happen to be a woman, is flirting… That’s because it’s hard for men, there’s no guide, at least there’s a protocol for women, there’s a template, there’s something you’ve seen before. You know. In films and so on, the woman talks to someone and goes… “Oh yeah I’m kind of interested, “maybe a little talking and then maybe slightly laughing. “Hahaha yeah, well, I suppose it’s possible. “And then slightly more intrigued and listening and… mmm yeah… “And then maybe slightly shy about her own interests, looking away but “not being able to resist looking back frankly more interested this time and looking, “and thinking and then hahaha! Laughing and enjoying, “Oh, you really are rather, hmm… “And then revealing something more of herself possibly, “maybe just as a suggestion by accident and then disappearing.” So that person is left going, “Who is that amazing woman, wow!” Try that as a man. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Talking to a woman going, “Yeah, yeah, hahaa. [MUMBLING] “Oh, I looked too interested there, look away! “Wait, wait, I can’t help it, I have to look back. “I’m really interested.” “Hahahah.” [LAUGHS] “Judging just the right amount of scrotum to reveal before you.” [LAUGHS] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. [LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Thanks a lot. Night, night. [CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDING] Okay! Okay. I forgot a thing. It’s not a huge surprise. So look, I’m going to do this, this is what happened. This book came out a couple of years ago and it was very famous, it was around for a while, it was around for a long time actually and the movie is just out recently and when the book came out I was thinking, “Oh, that will go away,” and it didn’t. So, I got very intrigued. I went down to the book shop and I read a little bit standing there. It was called Fifty Shades of Grey. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And it’s just an erotic novel, it’s written, you know, it’s targeted at women. So, it’s, you know, obviously interesting… Well it is ’cause it’s such a success and I was reading a bit and I thought this is kind of funny but it’s also got to be possibly an easier way to make a living. So… I started, I started… It doesn’t have a title, there’s no title, it’s just called Erotic Fiction Blockbuster. Okay. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] So, I hope my hair looks good. The… [CLEARS THROAT] If you get aroused, don’t worry about it, it’s happening to everybody… [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “Yes!” You see that, straight in there… “Yes! She said, “looping with her fingers a wayward glossy comma of fringe from her brow, “yes, yes, yes, yes, yes… “‘Who are you?’ he said. “‘What are you doing in my bathroom?’ “She approached him like a panther, “a drunk panther who was walking on their back legs as a party trick. “She looked at his midriff “naked under his vest, shirt, cardigan and three quarter length duffel coat. “Her breast heaved… “She saw the testicles bag twisting against his knee… “Her other breast heaved. “‘What’s in the bag?’ she said. “He stepped closer, wary, frightened, disbelieving, disorientated “but definitely aroused. “‘What’s in my bag?’ He said. “She raised her chin to him “showing no trepidation apart from some brief intense fiddling “with her hospital bracelet. “He stepped closer. Cruelly, deliciously, his duffel buttons pressed into her, “she thought she might cum, right there all over the loofah and everything. “His gaze was stern, unyielding like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS] “‘Soup,’ he said! “Although because he had a cleft palate, it came out as ‘Clup!’ “‘Bite me using only your gums,’ she screamed, “‘Fling me into a windmill, “‘hide my phone charger.”‘ Thank you very much everyone, I’ll see you later, night, night. [CROWD APPLAUDS AND CHEERS]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Marc Maron: More Later (2015) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/marc-maron-more-later-2015-full-transcript/

– I don’t feel great. It’s not—like, I think it’s gonna be fine, but I just— like, I feel bloated and gassy a little, maybe a little feverish. Is this for anybody? – Mm-hmm. – Like, here’s what I’ll do. I’m just gonna have the healthy— just have a healthy salad. What am I doing, dude? We got to start— we’re starting the show in, like, fucking… This is meat-lover’s? Oh, it’s so dense. That’s a veggie? You kind of want— I don’t have to eat the whole thing. Jesus fuck, why am I eating this? What am I doing? Thing is, like, I could have eaten between shows. But in my mind, it’s like, not gonna be hot. You know what I mean? It’s gonna be shit. So now I’m eating before the first show. I’m eating this. I think we just have to… take a second and understand what’s going on here. This isn’t just—this is not just, like, a party. Got to do a fucking stand-up special. It’s like a job. – What are these notes? Will you talk to me about what’s here? – This is the leftover of a mistake. Look, the notes are— it’s just evolving, you know— like, the different processes of me, you know, putting things together. I don’t even think— I think this is maybe a song I’m writing. But these are the original post-its of things that were—like, these I did a lot time ago. And sometimes when I look at all this stuff, the actual evolution of things, like this stuff— like, this is the old hour, so I wanted to sort of check. Oh, a lot of this stuff, I didn’t do. So this is sort of the act, give or take. And these are the callbacks here. I’m not doing that one. Oh, no, these are stories. Mustang’s out. Captain Billy, Jesus. MRI is out, ice cream is in. Time Warner is out. MRI’s pretty good, but, meh… People like callbacks. And I thought, why not do that? Why not show that I have— that I’m professional enough to do that, to structure something? I can’t say it’s gonna fucking work, necessarily. But I think I figured out a way to end it. Like, I’m working on this ending. See, that’s who I am. It’s like, I’m taping this special tonight, and I think I’ve got the ending, but I’m not sure. And I’m not even fucking kidding. This is crazy. Like, you would think the best way to go into it is, like, have it all, like, “I’m set, man. I know exactly the hour.” What’s up? Five? [opener performing] [laughter] It is different when there’s cameras all around. But, like, you just can’t think about it like that necessarily, right? Am I good? My nose bleeding? – No bats in the cave. – All right. I get hung up on shit, man. Like, I start feeling like I have a snot in there, and I’m trying to do my show, but all I’m thinking about is this snot in my nose. All right, he’s gonna close with this. [opener performing] Oh, my god. [cheers and applause] – How was it? – Awesome. – They’re fucking unbelievable. – Really? – Yeah, it’s your crowd. – [exhales] emcee: Chicago, are you ready? [cheers and applause] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Marc Maron! [cheers and applause] Thank you. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Holy shit. All right. – Whoo! – Yeah, whoo! [cheering] That was a properly placed “whoo.” No out-of-context “whoo”s. I do not indulge “whoo”s that happen in weird places. – Trying to keep it under control. – You keep the “whoo” under control. I just wanted it to be weird right when I came out, and it’s happening. I was backstage, I’m like, how do I really want to open this thing? Why don’t you just attack a woman for no reason about something she didn’t even really do? That’d be a nice way to start your big night. I don’t know what to do sometimes. I just—I can’t handle the love and respect from you people. So make no mistake, I’m hating myself inside. They brought pizza backstage, Chicago pizza. I’m not gonna mention any names, ’cause I don’t want to start any shit. But it was one of them. That’s all you’re getting. And, of course, like, I got to do this show. I got to be up here and perform to the best of my ability. And I thought to myself, why not not have two slices of deep dish pizza? Why not not do that? That voice was not honored within me. And now I have two slices of that pizza in my stomach, which I will blame if this goes badly. That’s how I plan. “That didn’t go well— fucking‘ pizza.” Got a plan. I’ve got an inner blogger that reviews my show as it’s in progress. “Maron started off kind of awkward, “making notice of the woman who went, ‘Whoo!’ “Then he just started talking about pizza for no reason, “like he’s got all day up there. “I don’t know how this is gonna go tonight. “Clearly he doesn’t have a plan. “He’s already brought me into it. More later.” I don’t know. Like, I’m old. I’m not gonna complain about being old, but I’m starting to realize that—like, I’m 51. I’m a 51-year-old man, twice divorced. I have no children. And I live with two cats. And it’s fucking amazing. [cheers and applause] That’s right. That’s right. I’m winning. I’m the winner. For years, I used to think, like, why can’t I manage a relationship? Why can’t I have a marriage? Why don’t I have a normal life of any kind? Why can’t I just be a regular person? But now I’m starting to think, like, I think I dodged a few bullets. I think I’m starting to realize that. And all it takes is one conversation with a friend of mine that went the other way. He’s got the wife and the kids and everything else. One conversation for me to know that I’m okay. Have you ever had that conversation where you don’t know if the guy is talking to you or trying to convince himself that he’s made the right decisions with his life? It takes nothing to provoke these conversations. I could not have seen the guy in, like, three years, and I’d be like, “Hey, man, how you doing? It’s been a while. How are the kids?” “It’s fucking hard right now, man. “It’s bad, it’s bad. “I can’t handle it. “I want them out of the house, “but they’re 7 and 4, “and that’s just not the right way to be thinking. “But I love them a lot. “They’re great kids. “I but I just— it’s fucking awful. “It’s awful. “One of them’s smart. “The other one seems to have a thing with his hands. “He’s okay. “But I just want out, man. “I want out. But I love ’em, I love ’em a lot.” That’s sort of a confusing sort of message you’re giving me. Is everything okay with your wife? “Can’t look her in the eye at all. “Can’t even maintain eye contact with her. “Most of the time, I want her dead, “or I want to be dead. “It’s just—it’s fucking awful. “But I’m blessed. “I mean, I’m really blessed, “because she’s a great woman, “and we’ve been through a lot together. “But god damn it. “You know where I can get a boat? “I think if I had a boat, “then I could just go and change my identity somehow. “But I’d miss my wife, so that’d be kind of crazy. But, god, I want out, man.” I’m like, wow, that doesn’t sound great. It’s still kind of confusing. You okay with money? “I have no money. “Where am I gonna have money? “I have a wife and two kids. “Where does money come into that? “I think about faking my own death all the time, “just so they can have the insurance money “and I can have my freedom. “I’m serious. “Do you know where I can get a boat? “I’m not kidding about the boat. “But I’d miss my family, “and I like eating dinner with them. “But, god, I just want to leave. How you doing, Marc?” I’m great. This conversation’s been great for me. It’s been very helpful, actually. I feel okay. I mean, it’s a little weird sometimes. I’m lonely, but I’ve got the cats, but, you know, I’m okay. And then the guy always goes, “Well, I really appreciate you being my friend, you know, “and hearing me out, “because I can’t talk about this stuff to a lot of people, and I love you, man.” I’m like, “Well, I love you too, man. Good luck with everything.” And I know that fucker goes home, and the second he sees his wife, says, “Ran into Maron, still sad and alone. “Just him and those damn cats. “When’s that guy gonna get it together, right? I told him how great we were doing, baby.” Judas. Yeah, you know, I got the cats. You know, it’s kind of getting hard to sell the whole, like, you know, 51-year-old dude with two cats as being, you know, an endearing thing. It’s a fine line between, “Aw,” and, “Eh, no, no.” I have weird moments with my cats. You know, I don’t— I guess I could share them. I don’t know. “Maron’s gonna struggle for a minute or two, “try to figure or not he’ll share this information, “like it’s some big secret. “Seen him do this three times. “I wonder what he’s gonna do. More later.” All right, well, one time, I was on the bed With Monkey and Lafonda. And this came out of my mouth. Out loud I said, “I guess it’s just us now, you guys.” That’s kind of sad. It’s a real moment, though. Said this to Monkey out loud the other day, not long ago anyways. I said, “You’re getting old, buddy. “Look at you, you’re like an old cat. You’re all old and shit.” And you don’t think that affects cats. You don’t think that they register that kind of thing. But two days later, Monkey shit on my carpet, while maintaining eye contact with me. Nothing you can do when a cat’s doing that. Just go, like, “Okay, that’s happening?” And they’re like, “Yes, it is, I’m doing it.” And then I thought, like, “Is this about the comment I made? It is, right?” And he didn’t say anything. But you project. And then he tried to bury his shit on the carpet, which I thought was spiteful, and I did feel it was personal. but it wasn’t. They’re just dumb cats. They’re just stupid animals. It’s hard for a cat owner to admit this kind of thing. Like, it wasn’t personal. He just had some sort of brain skid and thought he was outside and shit on what he thought was grass, and was the carpet. But we project all kinds of shit onto cats, because we’re cat people. And just, like, you don’t want to believe they’re just dumb animals. You’re like, “Not mine, nuh-uh, he’s genius. “He’s a genius. “He’s like a mystical wizard “who understands everything, my cat is. He’s a genius.” I don’t think so. But it happens to me all the time. I’ll just see Monkey laying on the bed, just looking out at nothing, and I’ll be like, “I wonder what he’s thinking about. Probably Egypt.” No. No, he’s just like, “Light— ooh, is that a bug? “Nope, okay. Nap time.” And I used to think my cats were fucked up. I used to think that my cats are, like, crazy, ’cause they were wild when I found them. I always had that excuse in my head for why my cats were so skittish and weird. But now I’m starting to think it’s me. I’m starting to think it’s me. I’m the reason. Like, they’re just cats. Like, you’ve been with me now for, what, ten minutes? Imagine if you were a cat. I’m not the optimal owner of a cat. My cats go through a horrible experience almost daily. I mean, it’s not unusual for me to wake up and within five minutes go, “God damn it, what’s happening today?” And I have to assume the cats are like, “We were just sleeping! “What could be the problem already? We were all just sleeping; what’s going on” And then I’ll say, like, “You guys want to eat, or what?” “Why is it a question? “What’s going on? “Oh, no, he’s playing guitar. “I’m going under the bed. I’m going under the bed, can’t take this shit today.” And they’ve become really friendly now with strangers, which they never were, and I really think it’s, they’re trying to— they want out. Like, they just jump on strangers’ laps. I can barely get them on my lap, but I think they’re like, “Please, take us, take us. “I don’t know how we got his guy, but it’s exhausting, it’s exhausting.” I don’t like when people say, “You’re cats are like your children.” No, they’re not. Not unless my children are severely mentally challenged, they’re not like children. Cats are not children. They’re never gonna surprise you with a word. They’re not gonna win a sports trophy ever. Like, a cat is what it is when you get it, give or take a few movements, slower or faster, but that’s it. Maybe if you have a certain kind of of cat, once or twice in a lifetime you’ll say, like, “How’d you get up there?” You know, and then… And then you’ll be like, “I knew you were a genius.” But if that was my child, that’d be horrible if that was the proudest moment. Like, “What are you doing “on top of the refrigerator, son? “That’s unbelievable. “You just got up there by yourself? “At 7 years old? “That’s amazing. We didn’t think you were gonna do anything ever.” God forbid I become like that kind of cat parent, where I’m just standing over Monkey going, “Say Daddy, say Daddy. Come on, say it.” “Meow.” “That’s what he meant! He said it!” I would hope anybody who witnessed that would say, “We got to get you outside, man. “This is sad. “Too much time at the zoo here. Time to socialize.” But my cats are a little tweaky, because I—I’m an anxious, angry-ish person. Someone’s laughing at that already. That’s all it took? Just my rationalization? Just the setup? No, you’re really angry. I’m not as angry as I used to be. I’m trying to get better. Here’s the thing, man. I have an anger problem, and that’s not— Like, there’s people in here who have anger problems. I know who my people are, and I know you know who you are. And when you admit you have an anger problem, that’s not casual conversation. That’s not something that just comes up, like, “Oh, yeah, I’ve got an anger problem a little bit.” If you admit that out loud, it’s a default, and usually there’s at least one crying person in the room. You know, it’s a Hail Mary pass. It’s not a rejoicing moment. It’s like, God, I fucked it all up. Better try to get this back together. But the weird thing about having an anger problem is that the one thing we can admit when we have an anger problem is, we fucking love it. We love yelling. We love it right up until you’re crying, and two minutes into you crying. We love it. And then we get scared that we fucked things up permanently. But it’s in us, and we can’t admit that. I’m not saying it’s good behavior. But what I am saying is that angry person can’t— Like, I can never say I’m not gonna have an outburst. I can’t—that’s a lie. It’s gonna happen. What I’ve agreed to do with myself and with others is, I’m just gonna try and tighten up the space between outburst and apology. I’m just gonna try and bring those a little closer together. It’s gotten pretty close. This recently came out of my mouth. “Shut the fuck up, I am sorry.” That’s tight. That’s very tight. I don’t think it was an effective apology. I don’t think that the apology landed, because I think it was tonally inappropriate. But my brain is working in the right direction. I’m getting better. I don’t know what to tell you. I just have a river of rage running through me at all times. It’s just right there. And as I get older, I realize it’s really up to me as to whether or not I’m gonna put the kayak in the water. That’s really what it comes down to. But some days you just want to spend going, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” And people you know will get out of the way. It’s like, “He’s in the boat; get out of the way. He’s got the oar.” And I don’t—you know, it’s like, anger, it’s satisfying in a way, and, like, sometimes I’ll even talk to myself. That’s ridiculous, talking to yourself in public. That’s why I believe you shouldn’t judge people who talk to themselves in public as crazy too quickly. I know it’s fun to be like, “Oh, shit, look at that guy.” But, like, don’t judge. Don’t be so quick to judge, especially men. If you see a man talking to himself in public, he’s probably not crazy. He’s probably just in a relationship. And what you’re seeing is, he’s taken the fight to the street, where he’s gonna win it on his terms. That’s what’s happening. If you see a man talking to himself in public, he’s probably doing the right thing. He probably just left a situation where he said, “This is bullshit, I’m taking a fucking walk!” And you just caught him in the middle of his process. It’s something along the lines of, like, “Fuck her, I don’t deserve that shit. “Why am I even living with that bitch? What a fucking mistake that was.” He’s actually on his way to apologize. That’s what you’re seeing. He’s making the loop, where he’s gonna walk in and say, “Sorry, baby. It’s my fault, I apologize.” And you’re gonna say, “It’s okay. I’m glad you took a walk.” But just know, out there on the street, we won that fight. There was no gray area either. We won it. Yeah, anger’s like— like, I feel good right now. I’m actually—I’m not as angry. And it’s weird to perform being pleasant. Like, I’m pretty open, and, like, I saw some of you outside on the street. We had a nice conversation. I’m like, oh, look at these nice people who’ve come to see my show. But I don’t like me. You know, like, so— But it’s okay, but, like, I had to realize. I remember the moment where I knew that I liked being angry. You make a choice. Like, there’s a moment there where you’re like, “You don’t have to do that.” And then you’re just, like, in it. I’ll explain, here’s what happened. I’d spent about— I have to preface this story by saying I can’t seem to leave my house without forgetting at least three things. I don’t know if it’s my age, but I can’t— like, I’ll leave, I’ll get to the bottom of my hill, and I’ll be like, “Fuck, my pants!” And then I got to go back. Obviously, I didn’t really not have my pants. “I don’t know why Maron feels “like he has to explain that joke. “It’s okay just to have a ridiculous punch line “that’s abstract and ridiculous. “Every night, he explains that joke. “Stupid. More later.” So…all right, here we go. So I spent about 20 minutes making a cup of coffee. And you’d be right to ask yourself, like, that seems long. It seems like a long time to take to prepare a cup of coffee. Well, what happened was, I’d gone to a hipster coffee shop, and I ordered—once, once— I ordered the single-source pour-over cup. That’s where they take a cone and put it over one cup of coffee with just enough grounds in the cone for that one cup, and then they trickle hot water over it, because it’s the best way to have a cup of coffee. Once, I did that. Now, when you do that, part of your brain is like, “What is this bullshit? What are we fucking standing here for?” And then the other part of you is like, “No, it’s the best way to have coffee. “It’s a nice way to have it. You can really taste the flavor.” It’s like, “What are you, a fucking sucker? “It’s coffee! “What are we standing here watching this idiot trickle water for?” And I’m like, “Well, can we not do this in front of the barista?” “We’re not doing it out loud yet.” You know, okay. So something resonated about the process, because now I was doing it at home, which is why it took 20 minutes. So I’m at home, and I’m trickling water into a cone, and that part of my brain is like, “Are you fucking kidding me? “We’re doing this at home? You idiot!” I’m like, “Why are you yelling? What do we got to lose?” “Life! Time!” And I’m excited. You know, I made the cup of coffee. I’m like, this is gonna fuel my rage on the highway. I’m gonna be jacked up. And I put it in my travel cup, and I hit the road, and I got to the bottom of my hill, and I’m like, fuck yeah, coffee—god damn it! Coffee’s on the counter in the kitchen. Now… In that moment, I should have just let it go. But for no reason at all, none, I was like, “I’m backing up the fucking hill.” Now, it’s a quarter of mile. There’s cars on both sides. And no reason. I’m like… [angry revving noise] “Fuck this!” Now, when I got to the front of my house and I had not hit any cars, my first thought was, “You’re a fucking idiot.” But the louder thought was, “Nailed it. I fucking nailed it.” That was impressive. I mean, I think there’s an argument to be made we do that every morning. I’m invigorated. I don’t even need coffee. Maybe you could get the neighbors involved. You get to the bottom of the hill, honk the horn, everyone comes out, you wave and smile and just jam it up the fucking hill backwards. That’s how my brain works. I don’t know what— I don’t know how it all happened. I don’t know why—I don’t know why I’m like I am. Do you ever think about that? Not why I’m like I am. But like why you’re like you are? Do you ever think about, like, when you were a little kid? Like, what happened to that kid, right? Sort of a sad moment. Like, there was a time where some of us could just be like, “Look, I have a rock!” And that was enough. That was enough. What happened to that kid? He’s in there still. I still think he’s in there. But, you know, you just crush him down. Like, you’re just walking down the street, and he’s like, “Look, a rock!” You’re like, “Shut up. “No time for rocks now. Rock’s not gonna fix it anymore.” Sometimes, like, do you ever look at other people and, like, see them as a kid? Like, sometimes I have to do that just so I don’t hate them. Do you ever, like— You ever have that moment where you’re just like, “Ah, I fucking hate that guy,” and then you picture him as a kid, you’re like, “Oh, he was that kid, yeah. It was never easy for that guy.” That’s the other thing that’s weird about me. Like, contempt and empathy are very close together. Like, I don’t like— There were things I used to be angry about that I’m really not angry about anymore. But my brain doesn’t know that. You know, it’s like phantom limb anger, you know? Like, it’s just— my heart’s not into it, but my brain will still do that. Like, I’m a 51-year-old man. I never have to have this thought: “Fuck that beard!” I don’t like—it’s not— Why would I fucking have that thought? That guy’s beard isn’t doing anything to bother you. But, like, my brain is like, “There’s no integrity in that beard. “That’s not a real beard. “That’s a coffee shop beard. That kind of—” “That beard in the wild lives off the grid “and shits in an outhouse “and thinks the Jews run the government. “That beard, that guy did not earn that beard. He’s a victim of the Mumford-ing of America.” [applause] So my brain has to roll through all that to, like, let it go. Like, it’s just— it’s gotten better. I see this as a sign of progress, you know? Like, I was walking down the street near my house, probably talking to myself. And I look up, and I just see this dude walking towards me. I don’t even know. I don’t even know what it was, but my brain just went, “Fuck that guy,” like immediately. “Fuck that guy.” And then, like, two seconds later, my brain went, “Aw, he’s sad.” And I think when they’re that close together, we can call it “contempathy.” And that’s a sign of progress. I think that’s a sign of progress. Thank you very much for the consult. [applause] Let’s walk around. “Maron’s up; he’s off the stool. “This never goes well. “He does it on impulse and then just makes his way back to the stool.” “More later.” What was I talking about? Childhood. It’s weird what sticks in your brain from childhood. I think there’s a couple of things I remember. Like, one thing happened just out of nowhere. I went to Trader Joe’s, and— Let’s not get excited about Trader Joe’s. Let’s get over the excitement about Trader Joe’s. It’s not that great. I know we were all excited at first. Like, “Do you have a Trader Joe’s?” “Yeah, we just got one.” But now, like, you’re over it, right? You go there, you get the three things you get there. All Trader Joe’s did was add another stop. That’s all it really did. Now you got to go to the regular supermarket and go get the three things at Trader Joe’s. That’s all it did. Produce is never good, to the point where you’re like, “What the fuck is wrong with this?” You know, I got—I don’t want to talk about Trader Joe’s, but the point is… It just gets to a point where you’re like, something’s got to be evil here. There’s got to be evil at Trader Joe’s. I don’t know what it is, but I think we’re all gonna find out all at once eventually. The point being, I bought a bunch of bags of the trail mix, the raw mix. It doesn’t matter what kind. It doesn’t matter; it’s a detail. “Maron, just get on with the joke. More later.” Childhood, so here’s— So I dump a bag of the trail mix into my face, and there’s, like, a bad nut in there. I chewed it, and it was all bitter. It was bad; it was bad. But it was too late to spit it out, so I swallowed this bitter, bad nut. And I had a moment of panic, and then that song from childhood popped into my head. * Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a— * And then, all of a sudden, I’m like, “Oh, I think that guy dies in that song.” Like, I’m freaking out. Like, I’m pretty sure he dies in that song. So I go to the computer, and I’m like— and I Google the lyrics to “Found a Peanut.” Did not Google what to do if you eat a bad nut. Googled the lyrics of “Found a Peanut.” And I’m like, “He does die. “He dies. I’m gonna have to ride this out.” And I think, if I’m remembering correctly, the last verse, he goes to heaven and gets a better nut or something. And it’s way too late for me on the heaven thing. So now I’m just like, “I don’t know what’s gonna happen for me in this.” I made it through. I made it through. It was touch-and-go. Thank god for that song. Had that to kind of comfort me, in a way. Transcended that element of childhood. What are you rambling about? “Keep the meta voices just to one, please. More later.” So—oh, the other memory from childhood that was very important to me is that, when I was a kid, I grew up in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and we had a local children’s show host in Albuquerque named Captain Billy, and we liked Captain Billy. We loved him. We watched him when we were eating our cereal, like, me and my brother. I was eating my Cocoa Pebbles, and he was eating Fruity Pebbles, which are bullshit. Never got it, just never got the Fruity Pebbles. Like, I still resent him a little bit now, even, for putting me through watching him eat Fruity Pebbles, just— But it’s just, like, you know, with Cocoa Pebbles, you’re working towards chocolate milk. You’re gonna get chocolate milk. I mean, what do you get with Fruity Pebbles? Just, like, this gay milk. It’s just gay milk. “Maron feels weird about using the word ‘gay’ in that context, “but he rationalizes it by thinking “that Fruity Pebbles had many colors, “giving it a rainbow theme, “which poetically gives it a pride element. “It’s a stretch, “but that’s how Maron makes that joke okay. More later.” So… How about Captain Crunch kids? What the fuck was wrong with their mouth? How could you eat that shit? Like, there were people that could eat Captain Crunch, and then just— I had it once, and you’re like, “What—it just ripped my mouth up!” Like, I think all those Captain Crunch kids just became, like, psychopaths or football players or circus performers— I don’t know. I couldn’t eat it. How about these kids? “I like Cheerios.” No, you don’t. And you really got to start pushing back now, or it’s gonna be a long, sad life for you. Tell them to get you a fun cereal. They can afford it. Get your own cereal. “But I like Cheerios.” You don’t. And if you don’t push back now, you’re gonna be a Cheerios pussy your entire life. Metaphorically. Just middle management for you and your Cheerios. So, anyways, Captain Billy. Is this getting through to the balcony? Are you okay up there? [cheers and applause] Do you feel alienated? [applause] You want me to deconstruct what just happened in my head and why I checked in with you? So I’m doing good down here, but somehow in my mind I’m like, balcony’s not with me. Like, I just made the decision based on nothing. I think I looked at one person up there, and I just see, like, a vague head, and this is what it looked like. But, like, I project all the time. I don’t know what people are thinking about. Why do I assume it’s about me? I don’t know what kind of life you live or what kind of day you had. That guy could be like, “I hope I hid that body well. “Maron thinks he knows his fans, “but I just buried someone today. “Bet you I’m the only one in here who did that. Fuckin’ Maron.” Anyways, Captain Billy. So here’s what happens. We used to watch Captain Billy. Wore a captain hat, had a big mustache, captain’s blazer. He had puppets, and he’d show cartoons, and he’d teach us things. And we loved him. We loved Captain Billy. At that point in my life— I guess I was about 7— my father was a doctor. It’s unclear what he does now. We’re in touch, but I don’t press him for any information, because it just doesn’t go anyplace good. But he was a doctor. And one day he came home from the hospital for dinner, which was rare, and he sat at the dinner table, and just out of nowhere he said, “Someone shot Captain Billy today. “He’s at the hospital. He’s in critical condition.” I couldn’t even wrap my brain around it. I’m like, “Wha-what? “Why would anyone shoot Captain Billy, Dad? Why?” And my father, never being appropriate in his life, to this day, looks at his 7-year-old son in the eyes and goes, “Some guy caught him screwing his wife.” And in retrospect, that is the most important lesson I learned from Captain Billy. [applause] Don’t do that. It’s a commandment for a reason. That commandment will lead to the other one: murder. Do you ever think about how fucked up the world must have been when they wrote the commandments? Like, how out of control shit was, for a group of guys to come up with those fucking rules? It was a group of people. It was not—God didn’t say that to anyone. I don’t want to shatter anyone’s—okay, grown-ups? So the— [laughs] [applause] But could you—I just picture, like, five guys, like, locked into a barn, just panicked. They’re like, “We got to make some fucking rules! “It’s fucking crazy out there! “Some guy shot my brother ’cause of his hair. “No reason! “Just killed him on the street, didn’t shoot him, “because we don’t have guns yet! “Killed him with a rock! “Saw a guy fucking a dog on the street! “It’s impossible to run a business in this environment. We have to make some rules.” “How do we get them to listen to the rules?” “We’ll invent a god. They’re morons!” “Maron feels a little uncomfortable “that he’s going into religious-type material, “because it’s not what he does right now. “But I think they can handle it. More later.” Yeah, I don’t, like— you know, whatever. Do what you want. You know what I mean? Hang your hopes on whatever you got to hang your hopes on. You know, it’s like life after a certain point, like, whatever meaning you’re looking for, you’ll realize one day, like, “Shit, I think all I’m doing is buffering disappointment.” “Marc just crashed it. “Just threw the whole fucking set in the garbage. “Everything was going fine. “Just got to throw out some amateur existential garbage “into the brains of his adoring fans “so that they doubt everything. “This is the best part of Maron. More later.” I—I don’t have time to— I’m a Jew, whatever that means. Yeah, we “whoo,” but what does it mean? I’m a Jew; culturally I’m a Jew. I was brought up a Jew. I did the thing. I made a little money. Then you—what, it’s, like, a language you don’t understand. You don’t even understand when you learn to read it. There’s no real message there. And if you grew up, like, middle-class conservative Jew, you don’t get any real lessons. And at some point, when you’re a kid and you’re a Jew, you say to your mom, “Mom, do Jews have a god?” And your mom goes, “Just eat. And remember we’re better than other people.” That’s it. That’s American Judaism in a nutshell. I don’t know if this is gonna be in the special. [applause] My neighborhood is— Let’s just do— let’s get through it. I don’t know a lot about religion. I’m not very sophisticated with that stuff. I just—I don’t have a god in place, and that doesn’t seem to concern me. Like, I’ll just deal with my weird discomfort existentially with, you know, with food and masturbating and, you know, movies. Just keep feeding the hole. I don’t know why that— Isn’t that what being American is all about? [cheers and applause] I got a gig in North Carolina, in Raleigh, North Carolina. I had booked a gig on Easter weekend, and I didn’t even know it was Easter weekend. All right, so I booked a gig. They were sending a neurotic, godless, angry Jew to the American South on arguably the most Jesus-y weekend of the year. And I didn’t know anything about— Like, I don’t know anything about it. I know who Jesus is. I know he was a man. Like, I know he had a beard. I know he took the hit for everybody. I get the concept. I get the concept of the Jesus religion. “Oh, you think you got it bad? Get a load of that guy.” “Cancer, huh? That’s sad. Look at Jesus.” “Your dog is sick?” But, you know— But I’m an empathetic person. I figured that out. I learned empathy. Like, I always had it, but I had to reengage it. I didn’t know what the word “empathy” meant for a long time, and I didn’t really experience it very effectively during that time. But now I kind of know what it means. I think, like, for me, the working definition of empathy is being able to put yourself in the place of the person you’re yelling at. Like, I think that’s the primer. That’s how I learned it. So I’m going to the South, and I’m starting to feel empathy for the people that are gonna be in my audience. It’s an important weekend for them that have Jesus in their heart and might still believe, and I don’t want to be rude to them. And I like Christians that are like, “Yeah, I grew up with it, but I don’t got it anymore.” So it’s like he’s just out? He’s just out of your heart? He just goes? But he’s close by, right? Like, in a pinch, he’s back, right? Like, Jesus is just— he’s just down at the drug store having a Coke, right? Could you just picture Jesus at the counter of a drug store like, “Oh, shit, he thinks he has something on his dick. “I got to—all right. “What? “Yeah, I don’t know what that is either. “Why don’t you go to a doctor? I hope it works out okay.” “Oh, shit, he’s on an airplane. “What? What do you want? “I don’t know if it’s gonna crash. “Yeah, it’s scary. It is scary.” Okay? Okay. So my first gig is Good Friday, and I don’t know anything about it. I genuinely do not know what it is. So I’m in my hotel room in North Carolina, and I Google Jesus. And I read a little bit, and then I’m taken to the Good Friday Wiki. And I read a little bit, and what I learned fairly quickly is that that was not a good day for Jesus, at all, really. Arguably the worst day of Jesus’s life. And I don’t know, those of you who are hanging on to hopes that he’ll come back, maybe one of the reasons he’s not is the cold, hard, literal irony of calling that day by that name. Maybe you should rally a little grassroots momentum towards the Pope to change the fucking name to something more honest, like The Worst Fucking Day of Jesus’s Life Day. Then maybe Jesus will be like, “All right, that was a nice gesture. I’ll go down and see if I can salvage some of those morons.” And by morons, I don’t mean anyone in here. Are you getting mad, lady? Are you getting upset? You okay? Okay. I just projected a personality onto her. So anyways, so I’m reading the story of Good Friday, and I have to relate to it in a personal way, because that’s how I read things. I’m not saying that I’m Jesus-like or that I have any aspirations to being a Jesus. I mean… I think I have the charisma and… charm to be a cult leader, but I lack the vision, quite honestly. I lack the vision. Clearly, I can bring people together. I can get people into the room. But if you guys had those kind of expectations, I believe you’d be disappointed. You’d be leaving going like, “I wasn’t uplifted at all. I don’t think that guy has got his message together.” ‘Cause it would get sad. Eventually you’d all be like. And I’d be like, “Aw, I’m sorry. “I guess I’m just gonna get something to eat and go back to my hotel.” But 200 years from now, theologians will be like, “What Maron meant by a hotel “was, aren’t we all guests? “We are, aren’t we? “I think that it fell on deaf ears “when Maron was preaching his gospel. “But now he’s more understood. “And sadly, that was the last night “anyone saw him in Chicago. “Rumor has it he entered the water trying to catch fish underneath the water.” “Maron’s riffing about Jesus for no reason. “Gone completely off-road now. More later.” So…okay. Let’s stay in it. It’s all gonna turn around. I want to make sure I got this in the can. Good Friday, let me see if I can get it right. Jesus is in trouble. He’s standing before Pilate. Pilate’s like, “Oh, this guy. “Oh, god, I don’t want to deal with this. Go to the Jews, let Herod deal with you.” Jesus goes to Herod. In my mind, Herod goes, “Oy oy oy. “What am I gonna do with this guy? Troublemaker, this one.” Some Christian came up to me after a show and he said, “You know, Herod wasn’t a Jew.” I’m like, don’t buzzkill with truth. So…so then Herod goes, “Go back to Pilate; I don’t want to deal with this.” And then Jesus goes back to Pilate, and Pilate’s like, “Why are you back? “I don’t want anything to do with this. “Let’s ask the crowd what to do. What should we do with Jesus?” And the crowd goes, “Kill him!” That’s the story, right? So Jesus died because of a shitty crowd? [applause] I’ve had that experience. But I can just come back and try again. Jesus really died, right, adults? He died, and then he came back from the dead, right? Grown-up people? Came back from the dead. That’s it, right? And people believe that. They’re like, “Yeah,” and you can’t argue with them. Like, it’s impossible. “No, it’s Jesus.” I just want to postulate this idea. Is it possible that, like, a few of the apostles were like, “Fuck, he’s dead, we’re out of work. “We got to… “Where’s the body? Where’s the body? “I think we can hoist it up. “Let’s just get behind this hill right here. “Are they looking? “Are they looking? “They’re crying and praying? “Great, we did it. “Throw him back down. We’re set, we’re set.” Reasonable question in the culture we live in today: Do you think Jesus was a fast zombie or a slow zombie? [groaning, laughter] Why? Why? Why’d I have to do that to people that had Jesus in their mind? I just sullied your pristine image of your—of Jesus. Like, you had the like… And now you had to indulge… [roars] Wouldn’t that be insane, if he came back like that? People would be so freaked out. They’re like, “Oh, Jesus is back.” “That’s great.” “No, it’s not, it’s not great.” “What are you talking about? We’ve been waiting.” “He’s eating children.” “Wait, Jesus is eating children?” “He’s eating everybody. He’s just eating people; it’s horrible.” “Wow, this is not what we expected.” “I know, right?” “What are you gonna do?” “Well, I’m gonna follow Jesus. “I’ve been waiting. I don’t see why this should stand in the way.” – “All right, well, fuck, he’s coming. Let’s just run for now.” “All right, Maron’s gonna not talk about Jesus anymore now.” I don’t love kale; I don’t love it. You know, I eat it, but I don’t love it. Do you love it? Like, when did it happen? When did the kale thing happen culturally? When did the cultural conversation about kale begin? I went through my whole life, never had one conversation about kale. Now one out of three involve it somehow. It was recent. Like, maybe three years ago, the first idiot came up to me and said, “You eating kale?” I’m like, “No, I’m not.” “Then you’re dying! “You’re dying! “You need to eat kale. “Juice it or something. Get it in you.” All right, I’ll make note; I’ll eat it. “Do it in front of me!” Now you’re weird. Now it’s just a weird thing you’re doing. Maybe I had one conversation about kale. When I was a little kid, my family went to an all-you-can-eat restaurant, and I was getting food with my dad, and I think I said, “Dad, what are all these green leaves on the ice around the food we’re getting?” And my dad—I’m paraphrasing— said, “Oh, that’s kale. They grow it for garbage.” When did kale make the jump from buffet garnish to life essential? When did that happen? It’s around the same time that people started putting bacon in everything. I can track those. Same time I had the kale conversation, the first one, it was around the same time the first guy came up to me and said, “You ever had a bacon cupcake?” I’m like, “No, bacon’s not for cupcakes.” “It is now, man. Sweet and savory, get on board, bro.” About three years ago, kale and bacon replaced good and evil in our culture. And you just have to find someplace between them to lead a moral life. And let’s be honest. There’s only two ways to prepare kale that I have found. You can either prepare it sadly or self-righteously. Those are the only two ways to prepare kale. [applause] This is sadly. “God, this is bullshit, man. Why am I eating this?” And this is self-righteously. “Mm-hmm, yes, I am eating this. “Daddy’s eating healthy, Monkey. Look at Daddy eating kale.” Let’s talk about love, I guess. What are you doing down there? What’s the matter? – I have to take a picture. I can’t help it. – You have to take a picture? Of me? – Yes, I don’t know why— – I know why, ’cause you’re drunky. You’re all drunky. – If I’m totally sober, I would still do it. – If you’re totally sober, you’ll still do it? All right. Well, I don’t know that I want to stop the entire momentum of the show to indulge your drunken desire to take a picture of me. I know that you’ve had a few cocktails, and somehow or other, you’ve decided that this is just about me and you. But no, it’s not. The whole night—okay, okay. Here, I have an idea. Don’t ruin the rest of the evening. [cheers and applause] So… Okay, yeah, I’ve been through some relationships lately. Some of you are up to speed on some of that stuff. Some bad ones, there’s been some bad ones. Like, I was with a woman for a few years, like 3 1/2 years. I almost married her, until I realized I don’t think she likes me at all, ever. That’s a weird moment. You ever had that moment where you wake up and you’re with someone for 3 1/2 years, and you’re like, “You’ve never liked me at all, have you?” And then you have to ask yourself, “Why the hell did I let that happen?” And for me, it was like, that was the best three years of my life every other way. Career picked up, I was making a living again. I wasn’t hating on myself at all. But some part of my brain was like, “We can outsource that job.” Bring her in to do it, be fine. And that was an angry relationship, man. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t do the angry— like, I’m so much better. I’m so much better. You know when you’re an angry person, and then you find another angry person, and you just yell and fuck and cry, and you think that’s intimacy, the crying part, and… It’s just crazy. It’s crazy, and it’s embarrassing. But, like, it’s hard to get out of that, because there’s no sex better than the sex had on a pile of clothing taken out of drawers to leave you with. I mean, there’s really no sex better than that. So much depends on that. You really got to show up for work that day. No sloppy apologizing in the middle of that one. You don’t want to end with, “Sorry, I don’t know what happened.” You need to end with, like, “That’s right, baby. What do you say we put these clothes away?” But it’s embarrassing to be in a yelling relationship, because, like, you have neighbors. It’s like, you get ashamed of yourself. You’re screaming at each other, and then one day you realize, like, they’ve got to be hearing everything. Like, I see my neighbor putting his garbage out, and I got to fight the urge to not say, “I’m not hitting her. “Not hitting her. “Just emotional abuse, we’re both doing it. “We’re both doing it. “I mean, you hear the shit she says, right? “You hear that shit, right? “Why you looking at me weird? “She doesn’t even live here. “You’re my fucking neighbor. Pick a team, asshole!” Yeah, almost married that one. Then there was the age-appropriate one who I thought I was in love with, and that was rough. That was crazy. She started the relationship by saying this to me. “I will not tolerate yelling, and I will not tolerate leaving.” So—so what do I do, then? When both of those would be the right thing to do. Crying was the answer. Crying was okay. I’ll squirt out a few tears. I don’t mind. That’s what’s right underneath the angry, just a sad little boy with a rock that no one cares about. How come no one… Don’t you like my rock? That it, really. That’s all that’s under there, under anger. Like, if you’re ever yelling at a woman and you’re a man, 95% of the time, all you should be saying is, “Why can’t you be my mommy? Why are you not my mommy?” I know men in here are like, “Thanks for giving them that tool, Marc. “That was really gonna help us. Whose team are you on, brother?” Just think it’s true. But I’ll cry, I’ll cry a little bit. I don’t mind crying; it’s good for you. But I will say this. The two most embarrassing things you can be caught doing as a man— or maybe I should just say “as this man,” are either crying uncontrollably, just weeping uncontrollably, or experiencing profound joy. Let me try and— I’ll illustrate it for you physically. Like, either this: Oh, god, what am I gonna do? [blubbering] Why?! [sobbing] [screaming] That. Or this: Yay! Ooh, yay! [applause] And if you think that you have profound joy in your life and you’re not doing that, you’re tempering it, and probably for good reason, because who would tolerate that for more than once? Ooh, breakfast! Yow! Okay, turn it down a little bit. Turn it down. Not attractive. But I feel so good! So that relationship didn’t work out. Then I had a long-distance relationship, which was— “Maron apparently needed to fiddle “with the mic stand for a little while. More later.” The long-distance thing is weird. You can actually make it work because of technology. You can have a long-distance relationship with some sense of intimacy, because you can Skype. You can talk in real-time to a person and watch them talk to you in real-time on your screen, and you can say things, like romantic things like, “Move closer so your head’s actual-size.” “It’s weird, right?” You can have Skype sex, which is a cute way of saying masturbating to each other, masturbating in real-time while you watch each other masturbating. That’s cool. Everyone’s done it, or you will do it. It’s only the first time that it’s weird. The first time, when you’re like, “I guess we’re doing this. “Are we doing it? “We’re doing it. Oh, shit.” But by the second time, you’re like, “Are you set up? “All right, get set up. “I thought it was now. I’ll Skype back in five, get set up.” There’s only one rule for Skype sex, really. The only advice I can give you is, stay focused on what’s happening. Just stay focused. Don’t let your eyes drift to the little box in the left-hand corner. Just stay on this. Try to avoid that moment where you’re like, “Who’s this sad masturbating guy? “Oh, shit, that’s me. Why do I even keep that box open?” Positioning. “Am I in? Is everything in? “You good? “You can see all of it? It’s all in? Okay.” It’s the universal sign for jerking off. That doesn’t mean anything anywhere else. There’s no culture where this means ripping your dick off. Or there was one, but they didn’t survive. “Maron’s so proud of that stupid joke. More later.” It’s weird, though. Like, I don’t know where the gender conversation or debate is on any given day. You know, I know there’s constant issues and struggles. I understand that. But I do know that one show, a woman came up to me after the show, after I had done that, and she said, angrily, “You know, women masturbate too.” And I’m like, “Oh, I didn’t know I had to cover… What do you want me to do?” Like, so now I’ve got to be like… or… Do you remember the first time you saw a woman masturbating in front of you, and the first thought you had was, “Wow, that thing can take a beating. “I thought that was a fragile flower. “But you look like you’re digging for something. “Oh, my god. “Do you want me to touch it like that? “Like that? Really, like that? “Oh, my god, we got to ease into that. I can’t even look at you the same way right now.” I don’t know. See, I don’t talk about sex that much, because for some reason, we decided it’s not— I have to talk about it a little bit. I’ve been talking about it more lately on stage. Like, it’s— there’s a weird difference between, like, pants time and no-pants time. Like, you know, no-pants time, we all do that. We’re all, like— we’re fucking filthy animals, you know? It’s amazing. And then we just have to, like, “Now I’m going to work.” Right? I’m fascinated with it, kind of. It’s weird, like— I’ll share this. I don’t really know why I do, but I kind of know why. Like, that woman who I almost had a baby with, the one who I was gonna marry, like, she really wanted a baby, all right? I’m gonna try to walk over here. She really wanted a baby. And I didn’t really want one, right? But I didn’t use protection or anything, because I’m like, “Let’s roll the dice.” So… And I’m a child when it comes to protection. Like, “I can’t feel anything.” Yeah, I’m that guy, at 51. I’m not proud, I’m not proud, all right? People are like, “What about diseases?” Well, you know, you speculate. So… Anyways, I’m sharing this for reasons that I don’t know, but I’m going to. Like, she— Maybe it’s to find out if anyone’s ever felt this. Like, she wanted a baby so bad, and I didn’t want one, but she did badly. So, like, if I came anywhere within a foot of her vagina, I swear I had to keep an eye on that come. [groaning, laughter] It’s like, “All right, I’ll get a Kleenex, “but that stays out. “That stays on the tummy. “It doesn’t go in, right? “Don’t want a finger baby. I’d like to be part of it.” [groaning, laughter] Really, that’s where you’re gonna draw the line? That, to most of you, is like, “I don’t know if we need to know that.” Isn’t that weird, that that’s it? Like, we’re all people here, right? Everyone in here, everyone, has had come on them. Every one of you has had come on you. Every woman in here has said, “Can you get something, please? “Yes, it is a lot. “Could you just get something? “Just get a towel— not that towel. Get the shitty towel.” Every man in here has surprised himself with the masturbation session he didn’t think was gonna happen. “Oh, shit, oh, fuck, okay, okay.” Everyone has had come on them. It’s where we come from. It’s what bonds us. Come. It is. And we’re all filthy— It’s just so funny to me. Like, you know when you do something sexually one night, and you look at your partner, and you’re like, “Holy shit, did that happen? Wow, we are dirty.” And then you just got to go to work the next day and just act like a person, and not like a filthy monster. It’s like… It’s the only thing that keeps society, like, together, is pants and shame. That’s the only thing that— All right. Let’s close with something big. Ice cream can go fuck itself. I know some of you are like, “I don’t understand. “Ice cream is fun. “It’s, like, great. What would be the problem?” Because it’s fucking horrible. Because I can’t—like, I have an issue with ice cream. For me, ice cream is for children to enjoy and for me to feel ashamed of, all right? This is just the way I operate. I’m a drug addict. I haven’t done anything in, like, 16 years. [applause] It’s all right, no. Doesn’t make me a good person. My point is, if I eat a little ice cream, I don’t know how long it’s gonna go on for. It could go on for fucking weeks. Like, I have a daily struggle with ice cream. And it’s pathetic, but it’s real. Because ice cream, it’s the perfect drug. It can work both ways. Like, this show’s gone well. Like, I could end the show, and part of me would be like, “I kind of want to keep this party going. Could get a little ice cream, just, like, keep rocking.” Or let’s say the set went badly and I was like, “Ugh, why do I even do comedy? “I don’t want to live anymore. I’m gonna get some ice cream.” It’ll work both ways. It’s a beautiful drug. But it’s a struggle for me, because I’m compulsive. Like, maybe if I walk you through it, you’d have move sympathy for this struggle. Okay, let’s do it. [laughs] What am I doing? You don’t know what I’m doing? It’s like this weird— like, could you imagine if you had OCD as a comic, and you only have, like, three things to work with? Ah! I guess that was a short performance piece called “OCD Guy.” [applause] Thank you. [applause] Okay. So here’s what’ll happen. Ice cream, this is the struggle. Let’s say I just did—let’s say I just did a good set at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, and I drive home. I get home at 11:45 at night. I walk into my house, and I think, like, that was a good day, had a good set. I’m just gonna get some sleep like a grown-up. I’m gonna go to bed now. And then part of my brain will be like, “Fuck that. “It’s fucking ice cream time, let’s go! Let’s get some ice cream!” I’m like, “No, you know, it’s late. “There’s no reason to eat ice cream at this hour. “You know, we’re adults. I don’t think we need to do that.” “Fuck you, adult asshole. Let’s get some ice cream.” And then I might try to do this one. “No, the store closes. It’s closed; we’re never gonna make it.” “You can make it, man. “You can make it if you leave right now. All right, it’s open for ten more minutes.” And I’m like, “I don’t really think we should— ” “Shut up! Go get it!” I’m like, “All right, all right.” So then I’m driving. Going to get ice cream. And you know when you have that singleness of purpose where you’re like, “Oh, this is gonna be good,” because nothing—ice cream’s always going to deliver. There’s nothing in life that is that steady, where you’re like, “I’m gonna get it, “and it’s gonna go in my mouth, and it’s gonna be fucking great.” So I’m driving, and I get to the store, and I can see they’re trying to close, and I have to fight the urge to not say this out loud. “I’m getting ice cream.” So then you kind of scramble to the ice cream freezer, and, like, and you just stand before it. “Yay! Ooh!” And then, if you haven’t been there in a few weeks, then the next thought is like, “Wow, Ben & Jerry’s has been up to some shit. What is happening?” It’s like 90 new flavors. Why don’t they just make a flavor that’s called “There’s way too much shit in this ice cream, yay”? You always have that moment where you pick it up, it’s like, “Wow, Cheddar Goldfish. “Well, I guess they know what they’re doing. “Bacon, of course. “Pennies, that’s weird. “Pennies. I’ll try it.” So… In my mind, I’m gonna get one pint of ice cream. I mean, it’s gonna last me a couple of days. What? And I always think that. Every time I do it, I always think that. And this is what happens. I get a complicated flavor, maybe a new one, maybe an old standby, like Peanut Butter Cup perhaps. So I get the complicated flavor, and I’ll be like, “All right, this is good. We’ll just spread this out a couple days.” I’ll walk three steps, and I’ll be like, “Shit, need some vanilla to cut it with. “Gonna need a cut. “Got to cut this. “You can’t eat this straight. You know, you got to step on it a little bit.” So… So now I’m walking out with two pints of ice cream. I didn’t want any ice cream, and now I’ve got two pints. And I’m going home thinking I’m gonna be responsible with the ice cream. Now, here’s what happens when I get home. I get inside my house, and I think, “All right, this first bowl is gonna be a grown-up bowl of ice cream.” See, I already fucked up, ’cause I’m saying the first bowl. My only bowl… is gonna be a grown-up bowl of ice cream. So then I’ll thaw the stuff out, take a few minutes to thaw it out. Then I’ll take the tops off, get a bowl, a spoon. Put about a third of the complicated flavor in, then a couple hits of the cut in there, put the lids on, put it back, in the freezer, and then go sit down on my couch and eat a grown-up bowl of ice cream with a spoon and bowl. So I just sit there watching TV. “Oh, it’s so good.” Maybe I’ll even put the bowl down. I’ll eat the whole bowl like that. And then I’ll go into the kitchen. I’ll put the bowl in the sink, and I’ll put the spoon in the sink. I’ll go sit on the couch and watch a little more TV. 23 seconds go by. And I’m like, “Oh, god damn it!” Now, I take the pints out of the freezer, put them on the counter, pop the lids off. No bowl necessary. [grunting] Just eat some of that complicated flavor. [grunting] And then, like, eat some of the vanilla. Throw the lids on. Throw them back into the freezer, because now I’m pissed, and then walk around my kitchen going… [exhausted mumbling] “Ah, so good, okay.” And then I’ll go sit on my couch for five seconds, and I’m like, “No, no!” Then, now I’m just eating over the freezer, like someone’s gonna catch me, like… [frantic grunting] So I eat, like, all of the complicated flavor. There’s only, like, four tablespoons left. There’s about an eighth of a pint of the vanilla cut. And in my mind, I’m like, “I didn’t eat it all. “I didn’t eat it all. There’s still ice cream.” Have you ever been to someone’s house, and you have to go into their freezer for some reason, and you see ice cream in there that looks like it’s been in there for, like, months, and there’s part of you that’s like, “What kind of fucking people… “could just have ice cream in their house? “What kind of control-freak monsters live here? “Who—I thought I knew these people. “I got to get out of here before they try to control me, these freaks.” All right, so now I’ve consumed well over a pint and a half of ice cream. And I feel gross. I’ve just fed the shame engine. That’s what my body is. This is a shame engine that runs on specific foods. And I’ve got a phantom fat issue, which I know is not a sympathetic position. I’m an idiot that always thinks he’s fat. So, like, I feel it in my heart, even though I know it’s not there. Body dysmorphia, it’s my mom’s fault. Try to have a little compassion. So now I’m just like, “What did I do? I’m all full of ice cream, and it’s gross.” And like, in my mind, I’m like, “Oh, no, what did I do?” And then I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I guess I’ll just go to bed.” And then I get into bed, and I don’t know where to put my phantom fat. I’m just laying there like, “What the fuck happened? “Pint and a half of ice cream is bullshit. “I didn’t even want it. “Now I can’t fucking sleep. What am I gonna do now?” Some voice goes, “You know what you’re gonna do now. “You’re gonna sadly masturbate. That’s what you’re gonna do.” And that’s, like, the worst kind of masturbation, when you don’t even want to do it, and you’re just doing it because you don’t feel good and you’re awake. And you, like, can’t even commit to it. You’re just like, “Blough.” And when you come, you actually go, “No! Ugh.” And you’re like, “Oh, shit, okay, okay.” And you get a towel. “Don’t look at me, Monkey. “Daddy’s sad. Get out, get out.” You get back into bed. You lay down. You’re like, “That was fucking horrible. “Fucking sad. How’d this night end like this?” Then you, like, lay there for, like, 40 seconds, and then you’re like, “There’s still some ice cream left. I’m gonna go hit that shit.” “Think Maron did a pretty good show tonight. “I’m proud of him. More later.” Thank you. [cheers and applause] Aw, thank you. [cheers and applause] Like, I’ve sort of evolved into a fairly kind of like… very personal, it’s my world, my brain, kind of comic, you know. And I used to be a lot more aggressive politically and more provocative in certain ways, but I don’t feel like I want to do that anymore. – Is it comfortable now? – Yeah, it is comfortable, and I enjoy it comfortable. But, like, you know, it’s like, I don’t want to divide people. And I think, like, the shit I do about God, you know, Jesus can handle it. Jesus people can handle it. It’s not that racy, you know. But Jesus Zombie, I’m very happy with.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

DANIEL TOSH: PEOPLE PLEASER (2016) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/daniel-tosh-people-pleaser-2016-full-transcript/

Comedy Central Stand-up Special performed at The Wilshire Ebell Theater, in Los Angeles, July 2015 [“Pepper” by Butthole Surfers] Some will die in hot pursuit In fiery auto crashes Some will die in hot pursuit While sifting through my ashes Some will fall in love with life And drink it from a fountain That is pouring like an avalanche Coming down the mountain [cheers and applause] I don’t mind the sun sometimes The images it shows I can taste you on my lips And smell you in my clothes Cinnamon and sugary And softly spoken lies You never know just how you look Through other people’s eyes Wow. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Ugh, believe it or not, that gets old. It is great to be here in America. Oh, yeah. The greatest country in the world… if you haven’t traveled a lot. Do we have to constantly scream we’re number one? It’s always the people that live in the most boring parts of this country that scream the loudest. People in Kansas, “We’re the greatest country in the world.” It’s like, do you guys have Internet there? You ever seen a photo of Fiji? I’ve never been to Fiji, but I’ve seen photos. It looks pretty amazing. It’s hard to think we’re better than that. We’re top ten. Maybe if we started screaming that every day, maybe terrorists would stop trying to saw our heads off. “We’re top ten.” And they’d be like, “That’s fair.” “It was that number one stuff that was getting old.” America’s basically turned into one of these factories where we just have a sign up like, “It’s been 22 days since our last horrible thing.” Then it’s like, “Oop, all right, rip it down. We’re back at zero again.” These things just keep happening, you know, whether it’s Ferguson or Baltimore. I can solve racist cops. That’s an easy fix. But nobody comes to me for the answers. You want to get rid of that forever? How about this? Only black people should be allowed to be cops. Boom, problem solved. And if any of you have issue with this, it’s because you’re racist. “Well, what about white people?” White people can be firefighters. We’re more outdoorsy. It makes sense. White people, firefighters. Black people, cops. Who wants tickets to the softball game now? Yeah, it’s gonna get pretty tense. Might want to put in a mercy rule. And the next time we have one of these tragedies– inevitably, we will– and you happen to be so unfortunate enough to know the person that’s being accused of the crime, do us all a favor and don’t get on TV the next day and be like, “I lived next to him for 32 years. I never could have seen this coming.” Maybe you should be locked up for six months. I find nothing more disrespectful. You never could have seen it coming? I’ve never met anyone in my entire life that I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that they are capable of awful things. Literally no one. My mom could blow up a nursery. And if you put me on TV the next day and I was completely honest with myself, I’d be like, “I can fucking see it. “No, it makes sense. “Sometimes when I was a kid, I’d come home from school; “she wasn’t happy to see me. I think she hates children.” Ladies, know that every man you’re sitting next to tonight, if you could get into their head and see every thought they have ever had, you would immediately pull out a gun and blow your head off. Because trust me, they are capable of anything. All day long, every day, nothing but twisted, weird, awful shit is just going round and round and round. And what do you do at night? You snuggle up next to him because you’re so happy that you’re not alone. And I think that says more about you. That notion that your parents raised you on, “Stand by your man”? If you’re insane. The second your man gets accused of anything, you immediately distance yourself. Just be like, “Eh, I don’t know what the fuck he’s into.” Buy clothes in the next town. We’ll forgive you. By the way, I do love this country. We’re the only place with any diversity. The entire planet’s segregated. You realize that when you watch international sports. Like, I was trying to watch the World Cup, uh, despite hating it. I get it; soccer’s the most popular sport on the planet. That’s because half the world can’t afford AC. And that’s about how long you have to run just to get tired enough to fall asleep in these godforsaken countries. You ever try to gamble on soccer? “What’s the over/under, 0.5? Mm. How much time’s left?” “It’s a secret.” I’m out.” But we have diversity. Other teams don’t. Or if you look at the Olympics, you look at our, uh, U.S. Gymnastics squad, we have an Asian girl, a white girl, a black girl. Look at the Chinese squad. Any guesses? Did you guess exclusively Chinese bitches? Yeah, that’s all that’s ever been on that team. That’s all that will ever be on that team. Then they wonder why they’re not getting golds anymore. Well, you better get a Harlem in China. You think snapping together iPads all day is tough? It is. Not as tough as it used to be. Now they have suicide nets around their building so they can jump out, bounce right back. “Sorry, boss, just needed some fresh air. “Back to making Americans more stuff? You got it.” This is a tough joke to do as a white comedian, but here goes. Because where this country is now, from where we came from is pretty remarkable. There’s nothing more shameful in our country’s past than slavery. Okay, it’s horrible. But I’ve grown up in a generation where I’ve idolized black people my entire life. They are better at everything. So the fact that we pulled off slavery– I’ve already said it’s awful. That’s off the table. I’m just saying it’s kind of neat. I mean, at any point, they could have been like, “You know we can just run away, right? “And you will never catch us. And if you do, we will beat the living shit out of you.” All right, that’s about how well that joke should go over. There’s a fine line between appreciating the sarcasm and, “Ooh, this feels like a rally.” And you did well. That’s a joke I do not do everywhere. That’s a joke if the audience gets a little too excited, I shut it down. You start hearing a couple “yee-haws,” trouble’s a-brewing. As soon as “yee-haw” hits a certain octave, hate crime in T minus ten, nine… The unemployment rate in our country’s around 6.5%. I’m told that’s pretty good. I could care less. I wish a president would have the balls to say what I’m about to. 10% of Americans don’t deserve jobs. Good night. Like, that’s a number I can get my head around. Of course, there’s exceptions to that. That’s not who we’re talking about. But if you don’t think 10% of Americans are lazy pieces of shit, then you have never traveled anywhere. Because the number that blows me away is that over 90% of Americans have jobs. Who the fuck is hiring you morons? Because I wouldn’t. The sense of entitlement? Everyone thinks they deserve more than they have. No one’s content. Young kids–I won’t even talk to them anymore because you parents have done such a bang-up job. If I meet one more kid and ask him what he wants to do when he gets older and he replies, “I want to be famous like you,” I’m gonna kick him in his teeth. You’re never gonna be famous. Never. You have no chance. I didn’t get here because I work hard. I have a gift from God. “Everybody gets their 15 minutes of fame, buddy.” Excuse me? That’s an average. Yeah, that’s zero for you, you, you, you. Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, 20 years, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero. Everybody gets 15 minutes? You know Andy Warhol was on drugs when he said that, right? He didn’t think he’d be quoted for the rest of eternity, let alone taken seriously as an artist. You ever go into, like, a cute local café and an artist has their work for sale on the walls? Has anybody ever not walked up, looked at the price, and gone, “Who the fuck do they think they are?” Just once, I’d like to walk into somebody’s home and be like, “Wow, that is a beautiful piece. Where did you get it?” And they’re like, “Oh, funny story. “I was getting a spinach wrap the other day for lunch, “and I had $750 burning a hole in my pocket, “and I was like, ‘Hey, guys, unbolt this from your urinal and get it into my living room.'” You know what the unemployment rate in China is? Neither do I because I’m American. I’m fucking stupid. It’s got to be low, right? Those people get up at 3:00 in the morning to practice the violin for 4 1/2 hours, then they work on math for 12 hours, and whatever’s left, they’re ninjas. If you think for one second, we will ever catch up with them, you are out of your mind. Just sit at home and be patient until they take over. Quite frankly, they deserve our country. Like, “Oh, shit, China’s here. Do we take off our shoes? How does this work?” Would you like me to fix all the environmental problems on the planet? I can do it. The solution’s simple. You won’t help. That’s the real problem. Stop having kids. [cheers and applause] You hear that? That’s not enough support. That’s why we have to contaminate the water. Because most of you are not on board yet. But that’s all that has to happen. Just stop having kids. And I’m not one of these people that cares about the planet. I hope it blows up the day after we’re gone. But stop having kids, and then we can have the greatest party for the next 60 to 70 years just pissing through all the natural resources. It would be amazing. But what happens? Some of you, you get fed up. You’re like, “Uh, I hate my life. You try.” [sputtering] [laughs] “Look, it looks like me.” Selfish. That’s what I think of your families… selfish. China has the right idea. They’re the smartest people on the planet. If they think boys are more important and two should be the cap, good enough for me. We have a TV show in our country called “19 and Counting.” That show should be called “Wrecked Pussy.” Shocking that one of those kids turned out to be a bad egg. You mean you can’t keep your eye on 19 children? You can’t be a good parent to three kids. Do you know how I know that? Because my parents had four. What are you gonna do when one of them asks, “Who do you love more?” “I love you all the same.” “Oh, really, a 19-way tie? Fuck you, Mom.” And you deserve that kind of language. You can’t sell a 19-way tie to anyone. You’re gonna have to be honest with those kids. Like, “All right, let’s see. “One of you’s a predator, so you’re out. “Not even sure these three are mine anymore. “No idea why the ginger’s staring at me. “You have no shot. “What, you think I enjoy dunking you in a tub of sunblock “just to bring you outside, you mutant? “What is your X-Men power besides killing every boner in every room you walk into?” I tease, redheads. You’re just as pretty as prettier people. The reason so many people in this country keep having litters of children are all these fertility drugs. You’re not gonna like this joke, heads up. Know that if you have to take a ton of fertility drugs to get pregnant, that is God just saying you’d be an awful parent. Yeah, maybe if you weren’t such a cunt in your 30s, you’d be a mother in your 40s. Let’s be clear. I don’t want to do that joke. I have to do that joke because statistically that will ruin at least two people’s night this evening, and for some horrible reason which I can’t explain, that brings me joy to know that there’s a lady here right now just going, “Fuck him. I deserve a family too.” No, you don’t. You don’t. It’s called the American dream for a reason. It’s unrealistic. It’s not gonna happen for everyone. You want a kid so bad, adopt one, you selfish wench. We’re only halfway through this joke. Hang in there. You ever seen an orphanage? I ask this from time to time because I know the answer. Most people haven’t. It’s a real problem in this country. There’s kids that need homes, yet where they’re located is a goddamn mystery. You’d think that’d be a crucial part of the orphanage’s business plan… being very accessible. Like, “Hey, hey, we’re over here.” Nobody’s ever given me directions to their place, been like, “You go to the orphanage. “You take a right. My house is right there. You can’t miss it.” Maybe this is a better way. You ever go to a grocery store on a Saturday and out front, they have a pen set up for rescue dogs? I’m not imp– I’m not implying putting the orphans in. I’m just pointing out that that’s also a real problem. They were smart enough to realize, bring the problem to us, shove it in our face, makes the problem go away. Now set up a nicer pen. Put it in the shade. If you can afford Whole Foods, you can afford another child. And if you can’t, at least put some hand sanitizer on and sit in there and play for a couple minutes. That’s the very least you could do. You ever watch your morning local news where once a week, somebody from the animal shelter will bring a dog on? Do you know why they do it? Huh? Because it works. Because bringing that dog on TV makes somebody at home go, “You know what? I could take that dog,” and you saved his life. Why aren’t we doing that with orphans? I don’t understand. Honestly, like–like, “This is Carlita. “She’s only five. You can change her name. “She doesn’t give a shit. “Come on, Carlita. Can you dance, Carlita?” And she’s like… She just wants a home for Christmas. Life is about perspective. I see a handicap person, I don’t feel sorry for them. I’m like, “Hey, it’s like being employee of the month for the rest of your life.” That’s half full. “Pretty sweet parking spot. How’d you get it?” He’s like, “Bullet in the spine.” I’m like, “Worth it. Low five, roll it in.” You don’t go high five unless you have a hill and a ramp. Then get a camera. That’s got to be pretty exciting to watch. You can laugh at this joke. Handicap people like it. And if they don’t like it, turn their chair around. I don’t give a shit. Stare at you, depressing us. You don’t hear a lot about the charity work I do, and it’s because I don’t do any. You know what’s better than tax write-offs? Keeping your money. That’s just a fun joke to tell rich people. It’s not true. I work with Make-A-Wish all the time. That’s an incredible experience, uh, for me, not the kids that are dying. Yeah, they chose to hang out with me. They knew what kind of jokes I told. They were okay with it. I don’t pander onstage, and I certainly don’t pander offstage. And I’m telling you honestly, these dying kids have the best sense of humor on this planet. Their parents, not so much, but I don’t care. As soon as I meet them, I start giving it to them. Like, “Are you sure you’re dying? You know this is my weekend, right?” And they’re like, “I’m dying.” I’m like, “All right, let’s go. Don’t cough on me, motherfucker.” They want to be teased like anybody else. They can handle it. Trust me, they’ve handled a lot worse. This kid I was hanging out with last year a bunch was 17. I’m like, “This is awesome that you’re dying now. You got this in right under the wire.” If you don’t know, the organization is 18 and under. So if you’re dying of cancer at 19, they’re like… [blows raspberry] “Hope your dreams are cheap.” If you’re laughing right now, it’s because you’re a good person and you realize how absurd that statement is, to think that they draw a hard line, but it’s funny to think they might be holding their doors shut. “You can’t get in, kid. You’re too old.” And they don’t even have to hold tight because they kids are so weak because the disease is winning. Don’t feel bad for this kid. The first thing he said when he met me was– he told me I was his third choice. And to this day, I don’t know if he was fucking kidding or not. That’s not cool. I’m healthy. I’m gonna live a long time. I don’t need that noodling around up there. And if it makes you feel any better laughing at these jokes, know that he is cured and healthy now. He’s not. He’s dead. But if some people need that, let them have it, right? “Oh, he’s okay? Oh, good.” [laughing] “You know me. I can’t accept life.” That’s a perfect gauge for if we would ever hang out in a social setting. Know that if you’ve ever said any form of this statement, we would not. “Uh, there’s nothing funny about blank.” Any form of that, know that I hate you to your core. Because I, along with some of you, respectfully disagree. You can accept that things are tragic and awful and still have a sense of humor about them. It doesn’t make you a bad person, despite what some blog may say. “Oh, there’s nothing funny about AIDS. There’s nothing funny about rape.” Uh, yes there is if you write a good joke. There’s funny things about it. And some of you may be aware I took a ton of bad press for making that statement verbatim. And then a women screamed at me, “There is nothing funny about rape.” And I’ve never defended myself publicly, despite misquotes. Mainly because I’m rich. I’m like, “Fuck it. “I make my living saying shocking things. There’s consequences. I can accept that.” And people wrote me horrible stuff. Like, “Hope your daughter gets raped one day, and we’ll see how funny you think it is.” Well, first of all, she’d have to survive the abortion. [laughter and applause] [groans] Talk about two strikes against a kid, huh? Yeah, I appreciate your well wishes, kind soul. It’s a joke, and it’s my choice to have it. Yeah, this is where the feminists are usually torn, because we’re on the same side on most issues. Abortion? Over here, you have a lifetime of stress and inevitable disappointment. And over here, you have freedom. Well, how much does freedom cost? A couple nights’ sleep and around $750. Seems extremely reasonable. If nobody is looking, I will take freedom. “But they have fingernails at 14 days.” Yeah, and I clip them. I’m pretty sure Dyson makes an attachment. Guys, it’s a great product that never loses suction due to the engineering. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I’m sponsored by Dyson. I get a couple thousand bucks for the plug. They’re like, “Is there any place in your act where you could fit in our product?” I’m like, “I’ve got the perfect home for it. Quick question, what’s your company’s stance on fetuses?” “We fucking hate them.” “All right, let’s move some units.” I don’t know what show you thought you bought tickets to, but I assure you this one’s not getting softer. All right. [cheers and applause] “There’s nothing funny about cancer.” All right, if you haven’t been affected in some way or another by cancer at this point of your life, uh, and haven’t developed a sense of humor about it, you’re the crazy person. I saw a campaign in Phoenix where it says, “The first thing you should do “if you find out you have cancer is get a second opinion.” Oh, really? The first thing? I was gonna cry for a bit, but all right. Let’s make another doctor’s appointment with somebody that probably can’t see me for a few weeks. That has to be a fun time. Just sitting around your house praying to God your first doctor’s an incompetent pile of shit. Then you finally see him, and he’s like, “Yeah, yeah, she was spot-on. “You should have been getting this treated. You have cancer.” What if he says you don’t have cancer? What is it, two out of three? When can I get some sympathy strange? That’s what I’m looking for. [cheers and applause] “There’s nothing funny about child molestation.” All right, then don’t hang out with me. Yeah, because if you tell me a funny joke about a priest diddling a boy, I’m not gonna be like, “What is wrong with you? Don’t you know how serious that issue is?” I’m gonna laugh because I’m not 11 or Catholic. I don’t give a fuck. I can separate between reality and jokes. Who in here at one point in their life hasn’t laughed at a Michael Jackson pedophile joke? Let’s see if you laugh at this one. Did you know, last year, dead Michael Jackson made $180 million thanks to his new show in Vegas? Which is amazing if you get a chance to see it. There’s a hologram of Michael. It sings and dances the hits. And for an extra $500 a pop, you can go backstage and watch him try to ghost-fuck your kid. Uh, you’re laughing at pedophilia. Look at that. Oh, and you can’t even be offended by the joke because ghost-fucking’s not real. But I’m sure there’s one dingbat in here, “Yes, it is. “I had a friend that was molested by a spirit. #GhostFuckingIsReal.” I’ll laugh at the real thing from time to time. How about when Sandusky was asked point-blank on national television if he’s sexually attracted to boys and he waited around 16 seconds to apply, and I quote, “Eh”? If you don’t think I was at home pissing myself… Like, “Oh, did he just waffle on that softball question?” “Eh.” Ask me if I’m sexually attracted to kids. I’m not. That’s how long you should wait to answer that question. You don’t mull it over for a bit. You certainly don’t eyeball your lawyer. “I wonder how he wants me to answer this one.” You come out swinging in a hurry, or you deserve to burn in hell. He said the only thing he’s ever been guilty of is, he liked to put his hand on boys’ legs. I’ve heard enough. On that alone, you should be in jail forever. You want to hug your son longer than three seconds, you should be in jail forever. Yeah, my dad didn’t hug me very much. He wasn’t the best father, but he didn’t fuck children, and I’ll take it. [cheers and applause] I don’t believe he has. That’s my biggest fear in life, that I do that joke and people are cheering and there’s one guy in here, “He fucked me.” And I’m like… I am sorry. I am 99.8% positive he hasn’t. He hasn’t heard this joke yet. And my gut instinct is, he’s not gonna like it. But if he gets too upset, I’ll be like, “What are you hiding?” How many minutes of “Hoarders” can you watch before you have to start cleaning your place? Ugh. Who are these people? I can’t watch it. I’m a minimalist. I still want to be on the show, a “Hoarders” episode, as a minimalist, where the entire episode is me struggling with the one knickknack that’s on my mantel. And they’re like, “You got to get rid of it.” And I’m like, “I can’t.” With this many people in here, guaranteed one of you is a hoarder. And I’m not looking to out you, and I don’t want your friends to either. But this is what needs to happen. Tomorrow morning, okay, wake up early. That’s gonna be new for you because you’re a piece of shit. That’s fair, right? You think hoarders get up early? Uh, they do not. They sleep in. They wait till the thrift store’s open, and they pray there’s new bric-a-brac on the shelves. Get up early. Head on down to The Home Depot. You’re gonna go to the equipment rental center. Okay? Get yourself a wood chipper. It’s gonna run you around $175 for a half day. On your way out, grab a couple day laborers. When you get home, gas it up. Have them throw you into it. Because you’re a disgusting person and no one likes you. And by the lack of people laughing right now, my guess is, there’s more than one hoarder in here. “But I love cats.” We know; that’s why we want you in the chipper. Nobody can breathe in your place. I love the show “House Hunters.” I don’t know why we can’t gamble on that. Make it legal, Vegas. How much fun would that be? Like, all right, here we go. He’s the breadwinner. She’s a bitch. Put it all on two. God damn it, they went craftsman? I want to be a realtor on that show just to set people straight. When they’re like, “Okay, my must-haves “are ocean views. My budget is $250,000.” You better learn Spanish. Because you’re not gonna see the water on our soil. You’re gonna stare at the freeway from your comfy condo. They cancelled the TV show “Intervention” this year after ten years. That’s amazing. That show was on for ten years, and every episode was a success. Not at curing someone of drugs or alcohol– that never works– but tricking a druggie into being on television, which is all they really cared about anyway. “You’re on ‘Intervention.” “What? Oh. Man, I thought you guys were shooting a movie about me.” Is there no word of mouth in the junkie community? No one’s shooting a movie about your crappy life. Sit down; we’re gonna listen to your illiterate parents stumble through a letter they wrote in crayon. “Jon…” J-O-N, the dumbest of all Johns. “Jon, hey, it’s me, Dad. “Real sad seeing you not good. “You used to be good. Now you’re not good, and that’s bad.” Quite the tearjerker this week. “You were a straight-A student. What happened?” Everyone was a straight-A student. Was I the only C student in this country? Fair enough. Just know that if you’re a straight-A student, one day, you’re gonna suck cock for heroin. How’s that feel, nerds? Maybe get outside and play a little more, a little less cocksucking in your future. And not even the fun kind, the “I need heroin” kind, which is way more panic-stricken and aggressive. I’m guessing. I saw a sign outside of a storage unit complex, said first month’s rent, $1. I know a good deal when I see one. I’m guessing that’s a cash transaction. “Here’s my dollar.” I’ve never had a storage unit. I’m gonna put tons of fake treasure in it. Wall-to-wall fake treasure, like, a chest, coins everywhere. Maybe get a skeleton, put that in the corner. Then month two’s gonna roll around. Guess who’s going delinquent on their unit? Yeah, just come up with another email address. I’m going home, waiting for this episode of “Storage Wars.” Time to watch some hill people overbid. They pop open that unit; they’re like, “Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, we hit the jackpot on this one.” Standing there with their flashlight. “I think a ghost is guarding the good stuff in the back. No, I’m definitely interested.” Anytime your livelihood depends on you uttering the phrase “I got a good hunch about this,” know that you’ve made a lot of bad decisions. Don’t put stickers on your car. Despite what you think they say, know they read, “I’m poor.” No one cares who you cheer for or what you believe in. Just drive a little faster. And God forbid if you lost a loved one and you think the best way to memorialize him is by turning your Honda Civic into a moving tribute. Don’t. Because the only thing that makes me want to do is T-bone you so you and Junebug can finally be together again. Like my morning commute isn’t depressing enough? Now I’m stuck behind you and your word problem, trying to figure out how old this shithead was in the first place. There’s not enough information. I got to pull up next to you. “Was he a Gemini by chance? “15, too soon. Speed it up. Some of us aren’t dead.” Don’t text and drive. It’s the law. Yeah, way to fast-track the big issues in this country. Do you know what you are allowed to do? Write a letter longhand while driving. Completely legal. I would argue just as dangerous, if not more. Do I have to be a martyr for this issue? I’ll do it. Get on the freeway, like, “Dear Grandma, It’s been a while.” “Winter is coming.” Kill a couple dozen people, like, “Oh, no. We should make writing letters illegal too.” Can’t we use common sense? No, we have to spend millions of taxpayer dollars passing laws. Have you seen the campaign to stop texting and driving where they show you real final texts? “Be right…” They’re like, “Was it worth it?” I don’t know. Were you trying to get laid at 3:00 in the morning? I’m not gonna judge you. Maybe it was. Maybe you finally had sex with that one person you’ve been chasing your entire life and you can’t wait to text your buddy. “You’re never gonna believe who I…” and then boom. Congratulations. You went out on top. Yeah, I promise you life wasn’t gonna get better after that moment. Best-case scenario, six months from now, you’re sending her texts. “Yeah, Thai food’s fine. Whatever.” You can’t text and drive, but you can have a three-course Taco Bell meal in your lap at 2:00 in the morning? Everyone knows you’re drunk as shit. You ought to be arrested as soon as you place the order. [cheers and applause] “I’m sorry. “We’re gonna need you to step out of the car. “There’s no such thing as a gordita “wrapped inside a gordita wrapped inside yet another gordita.” “There will be.” Why do people make a big deal about last meals in prison? “What do you want for your last meal?” “Uh, I don’t know. I kind of lost my appetite. Don’t know if you heard, gonna be murdered tomorrow.” “Well, you have to eat something.” “Make it a burrito. “You’re gonna clean some shit up. “Yeah, now neither one of us are looking forward to tomorrow.” I was watching one of those “locked up” shows. I saw a guy that was shanked 682 times. Now, let’s all agree that that’s a lot. Do you have any idea how long it would take to stab somebody 682 times? I did the math. Don’t rack your brain. At two stabs per second, which I believe is a doable rate… That’s still 5 minutes 45 seconds-ish of stabbing someone. That’s not even factoring in getting tired, having to switch to your nondominant hand, like… Here’s the crazy part. He lived. Yeah, there’s your upside for obesity, America. Why don’t you get back in line, hit that buffet one more time on the off chance you get stabbed 682 times? Like… [huffing] “Walk it off.” Off topic, if you’ve ever bragged about doing a half marathon, you can shut the fuck up forever. [cheers and applause] When did that even become a thing? A half marathon? Ooh. I just finished reading half a book. Yeah, big, thick one. Got to the middle, set it down. I’ll never look at it again. I can bench press around 450 pounds one half time. Just the down part. The point is, until you’ve shit yourself and your nipples are bleeding at mile 26, you’ve accomplished nothing and no one wants to hear about it. [cheers and applause] Mexicans? You know who you are. You are not supposed to be here. I love Mexicans. I love Mexican food, but next time I’m in your restaurant, please don’t come up to my table and ask if I would like to start with the house-made guacamole. You know good goddamn well I want that guacamole. Let’s just bring it out. I make that kind of money now. What’s upsetting to me is when my entrée comes with a free side of guacamole staring me in the face, teaching me a costly lesson in patience. That’s too much guacamole. What kind of Ponzi scheme are you Mexicans up to? This joke is stupid. I don’t care. What happened in the last ten years in this country where we’ve become so obsessed with guacamole? “Is there gonna be guacamole there?” “Honey, get dressed. It’s avocado season.” This joke doesn’t work in Canada because they’ve never heard of Mexicans. Canada has the greatest fence ever built… America. It is foolproof if you can afford it. Really easy to be the cool, open-minded, hippie country when there’s a Kevlar Snuggie of America draped around your fat, frozen asses, daring the world to talk shit. “We don’t use our military.” Uh, we know. We got you taken care of. Go back to bed. We’ll wake you when the NHL play-offs start. [cheers and applause] By the way, has enough time passed in this country that we can openly and honestly talk about the great things Osama bin Laden did for us? And don’t act like he didn’t do anything good. How about the fact that we immediately know September is nine? That’s not nothing. That’s not noth– Do you remember what we used to do? January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August… nine. Honey, it’s nine. I use it for August. 9/11 minus one… eight. How about the fact that every time you take your wife or your girlfriend to the airport, you no longer have to walk her all the way to the gate? Yeah, maybe next time you do a drop-off, you give him a quick, “Thanks, Osama.” “Hope you’re enjoying that good young tight stuff they hand out up there.” Are we okay with mocking his beliefs? I did that joke in Utah, and they laughed like that’s the crazy religion. “Those stupid Muslims. They only have one heaven.” I believe Mormons have three. I’ve never read their plates. Some of you are too young to remember pre-9/11 airport drop-offs, but they were the worst. Your girlfriend’s like, “Can you give me a ride to the airport?” And you’re like, “Yeah, I’d love to. “Because there’s never been a service invented “that would take you to the airport. What time’s your flight?” “4:15 a.m.” “Perfect. “No, I was gonna get up at 2:00 anyway, “so that works out. “No, you know me; 2:00 rolls around, and my body’s like ‘Start your day; it’s 2:00.'” Then you’re driving to the airport; she’s like, “You gonna come inside?” “Yeah, why wouldn’t I? “Parking there’s so convenient. “Besides, I like to start every day with a two-mile “stress-filled sprint walk. “Oh, your flight’s delayed an hour and a half? “Perfect, I’ll get a Cinnabon, get diabetes before you take off.” Do you remember? Some guys wouldn’t even leave after they boarded. They would just stand at a window waving at a machine backing up because they were so happy to finally be alone. Now what do you get to do thanks to Osama? Barely slow down and kick them to the curb. Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I say that’s worth a tower. [audience groans] Not two–not two. Not two. Whoa. That was close. No, no, no, rightfully so. “I fucking thought he meant both of them. “He didn’t. He only meant one. He cleared it up.” “Which one?” “Does it matter?” “To my uncle.” There you go; now everyone’s offended. If I can take a– a quick moment to be sincere, and then I’ll go back to being an asshole, know that I appreciate this, uh, that this isn’t lost on me. I didn’t have dreams of grandeur getting into comedy. Uh, it’s overwhelming. Uh, thank you for coming out. I know that eventually this will come to a crashing halt. I’m not gonna stop saying awful things. Eventually I’ll say the one thing where it’s like, “Oop, there goes his career. Wow, he thought he could say that, huh?” I actually wrote a career suicide note. Would you like to hear it? Dear Jews… That’s all I’ve got so far. This–right? Right now, people are like, “Oh, fuck, he’s doing it. Here we go. God.” Start out strong. Burn some bridges. No. I don’t meet fans after the shows mainly because I don’t want to. For good reason. I have a very large social media presence to pat myself on the back about things that don’t matter. On average, I receive around 1,200 death threats a week. Yeah, no, it’s fun standing up here. Sorry I don’t want to shake hands with the guy that wrote, “Die, fag, die. #YoureAFag.” “I’m a fan, I was kidding.” I apologize sincerely about ticket prices, but you have to understand, I can’t risk performing in front of the type of people that can afford $10. [cheers and applause] And as hard as that joke is for some of you to swallow, there’s other people in here that are like, “I actually appreciate him saying that “because I was like, ‘This is way too much money,’ “but now that I think about it, yeah, I wouldn’t stand in front of those monsters either.” You can get lucky and find a ten. Like, “Oh, I’m gonna murder someone.” [laughs softly] People accuse me of everything online. Misogynistic, I get that. No, I’m just a male comic with dumb jokes. If I was a female comic, the jokes would be completely opposite and empowering, and the crowds would be a lot smaller. Yeah, ’cause you don’t support your own, ladies. That’s on you. Racist– I don’t like hearing that. I never, never use the N word… into a microphone… anymore. I’m so aware of social issues. Even when I’m home alone doing laundry, I won’t use the word “colors.” Yeah, I do a load of whites and a load of darkies, and that’s it. That’s it. Because I want to be on the right side of history. My parents live in the same house. Just to point out what kind of maniacs some of you are. Every day of my parents’ life, somebody will ring the doorbell and just be standing at the door and just, like, staring at my mom. And my mom will be like, “Yeah, I’m his mother.” And they’ll be like, “Is he gay?” And then they run away. I’m not gay. I have a– I have a girlfriend, not by choice. I blame Hollywood for ruining every relationship that I’ve ever been in. What you don’t realize is how negatively they affect your relationships. Everyone’s aware of the liberal media bias in the news, but what about the way they portray couples in every sitcom, where there’s a dumb husband chasing his wife around the whole episode like, “I want to have sex,” and she’s never in the mood? They just hammer that stereotype home that men always want to have sex and women never do. Let’s get this out of the way right now. Women want to have sex way more often than men. [cheers and applause] I assure you, ladies, this is not the perspective you’re going to enjoy. I don’t know if you’re new to my comedy or not. I have a very gender-specific slant that I ride pretty hard. Because the reality is, whether you want to admit it or not, no man’s ever loved you more or been more physically attracted to you than he was the first time he had sex with you. And from that moment, it goes down. Okay, now, don’t look at him right now and make the evening uncomfortable. “Is that true?” And then he has to be like… “No. I’m pretty sure he’s queer. I don’t care what he says.” It’s true 100% of the time. How fast it dives is case by case. It doesn’t have to fall off a cliff immediately. We’ve all been there when it does. Can you be happily married for 50 years? Of course you can, but know that for him, every time you have sex, it’s going down a notch. Men die ten years earlier because we fucking want to. Don’t make him feel inadequate. Don’t challenge his drive. “I’m with the only guy in the world that doesn’t want to have sex all the time.” Uh, no, you’re not. When I’m in a relationship, I can go two to three weeks without thinking about sex. When I’m single, I need to masturbate twice a day before I step outside, or I will sexually assault someone. I assure you his drive is fine. It’s the product that’s sour. Is that too harsh? Your snatch has spoiled. Is that softer? And I know what your response should be. “Well, then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship if that’s how you feel.” But that’s not how I’m wired. I like to be in a relationship at first. And I won’t cheat on you, and I won’t break up. So every time I fall in love, I’m like, “Fuck, here goes three years.” I don’t even understand how real dating sites exist. Whenever I’m in a relationship, my dream scenario is that I come home from work, open the door, and catch her blowing someone. That’s not a big laugh. But notice, there are people laughing. Do you know why? Because for the first time in a long time, there’s guys in here going, “I’m not alone.” That they can understand that twisted logic. They just come home, open the door, and there she is just… [guttural humming] “You’re home early.” And you’re like, “Oh, shit. You can’t do that. I’m out of here.” Yeah, no, we don’t even talk anymore. I’m just magically happy again. Do I get that? Nope. Every time I open the door, there she is, “Hi, I’m not blowing anybody. Where should we go for dinner?” Gun range? [laughs] I’m teasing. I’m teasing. I’ve never drugged a woman. I feel it’s good if you’re a comic and can say that truthfully. Okay– sure, if my girlfriend asks for Tylenol, I’ll grab Tylenol PM, but that’s only because I want to watch TV by myself. I don’t think I’ll go to jail for that. If you’ve ever convinced your man to go to a Halloween party or a costume party of any sorts and he’s dressed up, know that he’s cheated on you. You’re welcome. Now, what you do with that information is up to you. It’s just a theory I’m working on, but I think it’s foolproof. Because this is how this conversation should go if you’re in a relationship with a man who’s never cheated on you. “Hey, honey, next week, we’re going to go to this funny Christmas sweater party.” “Fuck that.” “What?” “Nope, no, I’m not. I’m an adult. “I’m gonna stay home and watch TV and then go to bed.” That’s what a man says that has never cheated on you. A man that’s cheated on you goes, “Oh, I owe her. “Yeah, that sounds fun. Let’s go.” I only like this joke because I know there’s a guy in here right now going, “What the fuck was that about? Out of nowhere.” I grew up in Florida. I’m a die-hard Dolphins fan. Cheering for the Dolphins is like getting tested for an STD. I think I could win, but I know I don’t deserve to. And I don’t care that people boo. You need people to hate your team, or cheering for your team’s no fun. That’s the whole point. If I make a sexist joke and a group of women are offended by it, these same moron guys will be like, “Oh, the world’s so PC. You can’t tell jokes anymore.” But if I make fun of their team, they’re like, “I will fucking kill you.” Oh, it is so fun to make fun of people’s sports teams. I’m actually one of the few people that’s a die-hard Heat fan that’s glad LeBron went back to Cleveland. If you’ve never been to Cleveland, congratulations. Cleveland’s one of the few places ISIS could fly over and they’d be like, “Oh, my goodness, what happened down there? “No one should have to live like that. “Is there anything we can do to help them get back on their feet?” That’s how bad Cleveland– you can take a newborn baby onstage in Cleveland, Ohio, douse it in gasoline, light it on fire, and punt it into the crowd, and they will be less offended than if you go, “Well, I see why LeBron left this shithole.” Which is all I said to start my show, and it ruined it. Like, they literally were like, “Well, we’re not gonna laugh anymore.” “Well, I’m not gonna give you your money back.” I don’t– Oh, no, I burned this market. Let’s just put it in perspective for you. They crucified this kid for leaving. You forget he was a kid ’cause he looked 40 when he was 8. But he left when he was a 25-year-old billionaire. And he’s not even from Cleveland. He’s from Akron. That’s a shittier city 90 miles away, and–wait for it– he’s from the shitty part of the shittier city. And he just wanted to play basketball someplace else, and they killed him. I grew up on a private golf course in Florida. If I had a billion dollars when I was 25 years old, I would shit on this stage mid-set. Just shit, stare at you people, continue my act, like, “Hey, pick that up.” You’d be like, “What? I’m not picking that up.” And I’d say, “What’d you say?” And then I’d throw a million dollars at your head. And you’d be like, “God damn it, I’m picking this up, aren’t I?” I would be out of my mind. Or when people get on Justin Bieber for drinking and speeding in his car. Yeah, a 21-year-old billionaire. You want to know how I would act if I had that kind of money at that age? I would rollerblade around Los Angeles, jerking off on hot chicks. None of you would have an issue with it. You’d be like “That’s Daniel, ah.” “He’s only 21. “He hasn’t figured things out yet. “He’s worth a billion dollars. That’s pressure that I can’t relate to.” My opening line in New Orleans, beautiful theater like this, nice ovation. I walk onstage. The first thing out of my mouth before thank you, “Fuck the Saints. “I’m not gonna pander to your city just because Mother Nature gave you a much-needed bath.” Trust me when I tell you no one in here has ever experienced a wave of hatred like I have… as if the levees had broke again. They lost their mind. They couldn’t even comprehend it quick enough. “What did he say? I will murder him where he stands.” But then they had the inner dialogue. “That was his first joke. We paid a lot. Go on.” And the only reason I say things like that anyway is because backstage, I have friends like, “I bet you won’t say it.” And apparently $5 still means something to me. I’m like, “What? You don’t think I’ll ruin the show? Watch this.” I hope the world ends in my lifetime. I want to see it. I don’t want it to end tonight. And I know the hand that I was dealt. When shit hits the fan, I don’t make good decisions. I die hour one. “Hey, we need to go north.” “I don’t know where north is. I’m gonna stay here, guys.” Dead. Some of you, you’re gonna survive for a while. Good for you. Sizing people up as quick as you can. “Do you know how to fly a plane?” “No.” Knife to the throat. “Out of my way. You’re useless.” That’s what I’ve learned from watching movies. If anybody ever comes running up to you screaming, “Do you know how to fly a plane?” muster up some courage in a hurry. “Yep.” Nobody screaming, “Do you know how to fly a plane?” doesn’t have horrible things happening right behind them. Just jump in that cockpit. Just start flipping switches. “Calm down. My plane’s a little different. “Have you out of here in no time. “Does this have a mirror? No. Okay, that was a joke, haha.” That’s how you survive a little bit longer. I watch any TV show with Alaska in the title just so I can see what a real man is supposed to look like. Or Bear Grylls? I love him. A British Green Beret giving us survival tactics while we sit on the couch and snack. Come on, who’s that show for? I can rule out half the planet. I don’t know a woman that can do one pull-up, let alone climb a vine up a waterfall to eat a bat. Yeah, heads up, ladies, you’re gonna die at the bottom. I’m going up there to eat bat. Do you know how to eat a bat? I saw this episode. I’ll tell you. It’s not as hard as you think. First thing you have to do, catch a fucking bat. I’m out. Catch a bat? Yeah, I can’t kill a fly in under three hours in my house with equipment. You want me to blindly walk into a scary cave and barehand a flying AIDS rat? That’s literally all he does. He just walks in and just snatches it by the feet or hooves or whatever the fuck bats have. And close your eyes, PETA. Here comes the tough part. Then he just bashes it over a rock ’cause he wants his snack tender. Meanwhile his camera crew’s just laughing, eating Luna bars, like, “What the fuck is wrong with him? “Doesn’t this stinky Brit realize “American reality television is fake? “We can pause the camera and put granola and pudding down “and be like, ‘You have to eat your bat to survive.'” He’s chewing on a real bat; he’s like, “Uh-oh, this could be a poisonous bat.” What the fuck did you just say? It’s 11:30 at night. I’m trying to go to bed. Now I have to get up and Google what bats are edible? “If there’s a faint yellow diamond under the left eye, be wary.” I’m looking at women that aren’t laughing. My guess is, you’re hung up on the part where I said you can’t do a pull-up and you checked out? “I can do a pull-up.” Yeah, and there’s a reason you’re here alone. Your shoulders are gross and nobody likes you. You should knock it off with the CrossFit. Nobody needs to flip a tire in 2015. We all have AAA. You haven’t had your period in four years for a reason. You’re growing a dick. Now– now lighten up. May I open the door for you? “Nope, I’ve got it.” [blows forcefully] “Woman.” You’re the superior sex. I don’t care. You ever get road rage? That’s embarrassing. I’ve had road rage before and won, and I’ve had road rage and lost. I’m gonna tell you two different stories. You can determine which is which. And the first one, I want to point out, I was pretty young at the time. And the only reason I want you to know that is because I don’t approve of what I said. But I had just moved out here to Los Angeles. I was in traffic in my Acura with the sunroof open. Yeah, I was doing pretty well from day one. Started from the upper-middlish. Now I’m here. I was yelling through my sunroof at a guy in a delivery truck, and I don’t remember what we were fighting over. But at one point, I may have yelled, “That’s why you have to work on Saturday, you piece of shit.” And then he spit a mouthful of Doritos onto me. So I lost, right? If a man spits a mouthful of Doritos on your face, you have two options. You can, one, get a machete and murder everyone in his family. Or, two, you can close your sunroof because that psycho is not bluffing. I had chewed-up Dorito on my lip. I can still feel it right now. I didn’t have any napkins in my glove compartment. That was over 15 years ago. You think there’s napkins in my glove compartment today? You’re goddamn right there is. Every time I go to a restaurant, I take a big “fuck you to the environment” stack. And they’re like, “Hey, don’t take so many napkins.” I’m like, “I had chewed-up Dorito from another man on my face.” Now, here’s a time more recently that I had road rage. I think I handled things a little more maturely. Again, I was in Los Angeles. I was on the 10 Freeway eastbound, middle lane– don’t know what that says about my personality, but that’s where you’ll find me. I’m not an aggressive driver. Drive a station wagon. I was doing nothing wrong. I saw a car changing lanes, driving like a maniac, cutting people off. He was coming toward me. He wanted me to get out of the way. I chose not to. I’m like, “Fuck it, slam into me.” He didn’t, but he got on my bumper, and he was irritated, and he was flipping me off. I notice he has a wedding ring on, and his wife’s in the front seat. And at that moment, oh, I got real confident. Because I’m like, “There’s no way “you’re gonna go to the level of crazy “that I’m about to, not with your wife sitting next to you.” Like, at some point, she’s gonna have to be the voice of reason. Like, “Stop it, Phillip. Just drive. I’m scared.” So I got real brave, right? I’m flipping him off. I’m brake checking. I’m holding the windshield wiper fluid on. Like– is that your move? Yeah, oh, very passive-aggressive. I’ve cleared my calendar. I’m doing nothing for the rest of my life except irritating this asshole behind me. We’re going about ten miles an hour on the freeway at this point, and he won’t pass me. I kind of respect it. I’m out of fluid. My exit’s coming up. So I get off the freeway, and then he follows me right off the freeway. And at that moment, the real Daniel came crashing back, where I’m like, “Aw, shit. “You were supposed to keep driving. “That’s not your wife. That’s a hooker you’re gonna murder, isn’t it?” Like– You got to think fast. What do you do? Well, I know this exit. It’s the Robertson exit, if you want to verify it. There’s a very large black homeless guy at the bottom with a sign that just said “Food.” I aggressive drove toward him with this guy right on my bumper, slammed on my brakes to a dead stop so he’s pinned behind me, can’t get around. I roll my window down. I give the guy $20. I say, “You need to go crazy on the car behind me.” I swear, he doesn’t even hesitate. Both hands on the hood, cocks his head, starts screaming at the guy. Meanwhile I’m like, “Oh, shit, he’s gonna murder him too.” Now I got blood on my hands, but I don’t really care ’cause it’s a homeless guy. And I’m like, “It’s probably not even the worst decision he’s made today.” So I take off. And the driver shoots me one last look, and I appreciate it because he certainly didn’t have to. But he gave me the, uh, “You won.” [cheers and applause] And I’ve never felt better about anything I have ever done in my entire life. You know, for the rest of his life, every time he gets in the car with his wife, she’s gonna be like, “You remember the one time “with the homeless guy, uh? Maybe I should drive. That’s all I’m saying, hothead.” So remember that next time you lose your cool behind the wheel. Calm down. Find a homeless person. Pay them to do it for you. Way safer, and you feel good about yourself. And the only part of that story I embellished even the slightest bit was the amount of money that I gave him, because if you think I’m giving out 20s, you’re fucking crazier than he was. Thank you very much. Good night. [cheers and applause] [“Pepper” by Butthole Surfers] Some will die in hot pursuit In fiery auto crashes Some will die in hot pursuit While sifting through my ashes Some will fall in love with life And drink it from a fountain That is pouring like an avalanche Coming down the mountain I don’t mind the sun sometimes The images it shows I can taste you on my lips And smell you in my clothes Cinnamon and sugary

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Norm Macdonald: Hitler’s Dog, Gossip & Trickery (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/norm-macdonald-hitlers-dog-gossip-trickery-2017-full-transcript/

Then people go, “Goddamn, at least he’s not a hypocrite.” “You’ve got to give it to him, that’s the worst part of it.” All right. I ate a pork chop. I don’t want to brag or anything like that. But it’s in my belly right now as we speak. And I realized that you… you eat at a restaurant different than you eat at home, you know? Like, at home you would never cook up a pork chop on your skillet, you know, and make it nice and hot on one side, then turn it over, make it hot on the other side, and then cut into it and see how it’s going in the middle. And then you go, “Man, I’m going to love eating this delicious pork chop.” As soon as it’s hot enough to eat, I’ll eat it. But while I’m waiting, “I’m going to eat a big loaf of bread.” Who would do that? “With, like, 35 pats of butter, and I’ll eat that loaf of bread.” “And that will get my appetite sharpened up…” “For the pork.” I also noticed that desserts are different nowadays. When I was young, the waiter would come and go, “What do you want for dessert – cherry pie or apple pie?” And you would go, “I will have a cherry pie.” And the guy would bring me… Very simple. You know, things were simple back then. Now desserts – oh, my Lord! The guy shows up and he’s got a big tray at a canted angle, and every confection known to man is on it. He’s… And I don’t like the way he talks, because he doesn’t talk, like, the pork-chop talk any more. All of a sudden, for the dessert, he’s, like, all the sexual undertones. You know, the… I mean, he’s all like, “Ah.” “Why are you saying ‘ah’ like that?” He’s like, “Ah.” “May I tempt you with something?” “Tempt me?” “Do you like decadent things?” “Well, I don’t…” “I hope you left some room in your belly.” “OK, listen.” “Are we still talking about desserts here? What the… is going on?” “I don’t want to end up blowing you in the bathroom or something.” “I don’t want to end up blowing the guy in the bathroom. Listen…” I can be tricked as much as the next fellow, and… I don’t want to be in the bathroom. “Hey! Wait a second! Whoa!” “Hold on here, maestro! I…” “I thought we were talking about a butterscotch pudding or something.” “I don’t care much for you, Captain, I’ll tell you that right now.” “I’ll continue, I’m a man of my word, but I’ll say this.” “I’ll say this, Chief.” “Were my word not my bond, then none of this…” “I’m doing it reluctantly. I don’t know if you noticed that, but…” Sex to me is… First of all, I’m an old man, you know? I… I’m like uh… threescore and… twelve, or something like that. I’m trying to get “score” going again. I feel that Lincoln, when he thought that up, he thought that was going to go. You know what I mean? Like, his wife was like, “Why don’t you just say ’87’?” He’s like, “Why don’t you shut the fuck up?” “Last I checked, I was the orator in the family and you were the fucking insane lady.” “When I say fourscore and seven, believe me… ‘score’ is going to catch on big time.” But… it never did. Here’s another little presidential thing. You know there’s a story about George Washington, and they say, “Oh, He chopped down a cherry tree,” when he was a little child. When his parents came home they said, “Who chopped down the cherry tree?” and Little George said, “It was I who chopped down the cherry tree.” I cannot tell a lie.” And you go, “Wow! What a great story.” But then you think about it a little bit, right? Imagine if you drove home to your house, right? And you get there and go, “Hey, what the fuck happened to the cherry tree?” “Did somebody chop it down or something?” And then you go inside, and there’s your child… with an axe. So you go, “What happened to the cherry tree?” and then he goes, “I chopped down the cherry tree.” “I cannot tell a lie.” And then you go, “OK.” “The first part of what you said, it bothers me a lot.” “The second part scares the fuck out of me. You…” “You can’t tell a lie?” “You’re incapable of lying?” That would… That would scare me. Now I live in LA. We go to parties in LA. And I go, too, but I’m no good at them. Here’s my problem – I have no opinions. You know how people have opinions? I don’t got none. I… Like political and… So sometimes before I go to a party, I’ll just turn on the TV, and whatever that guy said, I’ll say that. But I’m not good… Like, when I go to parties, I don’t want serious discussions. I try to find somebody that is at my same level. And I’m good at it. I can… Like, you know how they say guys have gaydar – they can see other gay people? I’m like that with guys at my same level of smartness. Like, I can see a guy in the corner and go, “I can keep up with that motherfucker right there.” And then I make a beeline for that character. And then we talk about Jughead comics for a couple of hours… And everything’s fine. Sometimes people go, “Why do you even go to these parties if you don’t like, you know, talking?” Here’s why I go to parties. There’s only one reason why I go to parties. The reason why I love parties, because I love those little sandwiches where they’re triangles… And they cut the crusts off, and then they’re little equilateral triangles, and they put a little toothpick. And it has, like, golden cellophane… And red cellophane. I can eat 30, 40 of those fuckers. And you can only get them at parties. Like… I have gone to restaurants and I go, “You got any of them sandwiches that are shaped like triangles?” And they go, “No, all our sandwiches are shaped like sandwiches.” I go, “Oh, fuck.” And then… I go to, like, a grocery store. I go, “Yes, where is… What aisle is the sandwiches with the toothpicks?” They go, “We don’t got none.” “Have you tried a party?” I go, “I’m trying not to…” “Go to those things.” But I don’t drink, so I’m no good at parties for that reason. And drugs, I don’t do them. Used to. When I was a boy, young, I would do anything, you know? LSD, that was about the strongest drug I ever did – acid. I don’t know if you’ve ever done acid, but… When I was young, they would tell me, “You have got to be careful with that acid, on account of you can do it,” and then you have a flashback. Like, ten years could pass, 20 years could pass, “and then you get a flashback.” So I thought, “Well, that sounds like a good deal,” you know? I went to my drug dealer Frank. I said, “Frank…” is there a drug on the market where I pay you $5… I take the drug, I get high, “and then, 20 years later, I get high again?” He said yes. And I think of myself as somebody who’s good at stretching his drug dollar. But the point of the whole thing is for me to tell you young folk… that it’s not… it’s not true at all, you know? Because I have not done LSD since I was a teenager. Ten years have passed, 20 years have passed. Sadly, 30 years have passed. And still… no flash… What a gyp that turned out to be. I… Just more horseshit by the big acid companies if you ask me. I don’t want to… I don’t want to get too political, but… If you think big acid… cares about you, the little guy… They care about their third-quarter profits. That’s what they care about. You know, my friend is a vegetarian. And have you ever been wrong, and you suddenly realize, you know, like… Because she… all her arguments are right about vegetarianism. She’ll go, like, “How can you kill an animal” when you can get the same from the grass of the field? “It makes no sense.” And then I go, “I like pork.” So… Of course, she’s right… and I’m wrong. And it’s weird when you realize you have been wrong about everything that you ever believed – about vegetarianism, not everything. Imagine if you woke up and you realized you were wrong about everything. You just woke up and you go, “Goddamn. I have been wrong about every single thing I have ever believed.” Then it’s time to go down to the rope store in my opinion, because… It’s not going to get better, you know? Go to the rope store – that’s my suggestion to you… and get a hunk of rope about this big… and then go to the rickety-stool store. And, listen, it’s no coincidence that the rope store and the rickety-stool store are always right beside each other, right? I don’t want to get political or anything like that, but… When people commit suicide, no one ever understands. You know what I mean? People commit suicide and people go, “I don’t understand why,” and I go, “You don’t?” “What, do you live in a cotton-candy house or something? What the fuck?” “You don’t know about life?” “How it only disappoints and… gets worse and worse, until it ends in a catastrophe?” “What the fuck?” There’s two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck. One is, like we said, to escape this worthless masquerade of a life we pretend we have. And the second reason we hang ourselves from the neck is to whack off. These guys… I don’t understand. It’s called autoerotic asphyxiation. It’s a big, fancy word, but it’s a filthy thing. And this is my problem with it. The risk-reward… Is not good. And I know of the reward because I read about it. Apparently, by cutting off the oxygen, or something like that, you increase your orgasm until it’s one-and-a-half times as powerful as the one you had the Thursday before last. Is that really that important? I mean, we have a lot of things in this country. You know, it’s raining in the forest. There’s all kinds of shit we have to think about… let alone whacking off. That’s our big problem? But the risk – good Lord! People always wonder, “What happens after you die?” No one knows, you know? People pretend to know, but no one knows what happens after you die. But I know what happens to you right after you die. I know what happens directly after you die. You are found. And this is where it gets tricky. And it’s always by a loved one. You know? And you don’t want your son walking in, going, “Ah! What the fuck?” “What the fuck is Dad… What kind… Huh?” And that’s how you’ll be remembered forever, you know? It doesn’t matter what else you accomplish in life. See, people are under the misapprehension that their life is like a motion picture that will be remembered as such, but it’s not. It’s just a photograph, you know? A still photograph, and that’s unfortunately how it is. But, you know, like, if you think your son will remember you as, “I remember my dad took me to Disneyland in the blistering heat,” and, by God, he stood in line to get Mickey Mouse’s autograph. It took him two hours. “It was for me. He knew it wasn’t the real Mickey Mouse. He had to have.” “It was an unemployed college kid.” “And yet he stayed – stayed for me.” “Dad.” “He had two jobs.” You know, to put food on my plate, “and my brother’s and my mom’s.” “Two jobs.” And I remember one time – I’ll never forget it – he came home late at night and I was in bed. I was pretending to be asleep, but I wasn’t. And he came in, and he was very quiet, and he came up to me, and he kissed me on that area between my uh… my um… forehead and the bridge of my nose. He kissed me right there, and he said – quietly, so as not to wake me – ‘I love you, son, ‘ and then he left. And the next day, I wanted to say something to him at the breakfast table, but he was already out, he was driving hack. “That was his second job.” “But, my God, my dad…” Anyways, they don’t remember that at all. All they remember is… “Ah!” You know? Because… Unfortunately, that’s the way human beings are. I think if I were to do it – and I don’t think I ever would… But you never know. You can’t predict the future. I could wake up one day and go, “I want to have one of them orgasms” that’s uh… “three-over-two times as strong as the…” “I knew that advanced-math degree was going to come in handy sometimes, I just did not know when.” This is what I would do if it ever happened to me. I would disguise it so it looked like an actual suicide, because then, when I was found, my son wouldn’t go, “Ah!” he would go, “Oh! Oh, mysterious.” “Dad’s a mysterious guy.” “This is going to be a pretty cool story for me right now.” So I would pretend, you know, that it was a… it was a real suicide. Like, I would write a note – a suicide note. Do you think this would be funny, just as a practical joke, if you just wrote a suicide note and just blamed some random guy? Do you think that would be… Do you know what I mean? You know, like, your barber or something like that, you know? You go, “It was all Ralph Abernathy’s fault!” Because you know the police would be compelled to go to Abernathy’s barber shop… and go, “Have you ever heard of a fellow, name of Norm Macdonald?” The guy goes, “Yeah, he would come in every couple of months for a trim.” “Oh, OK. Well, anyways, he took his life because of you.” “He wrote it here in this letter. Would you like to keep the…?” Then Ralph Abernethy would have to spend the rest of his life walking down… Life’s hard enough without having to walk… That’s not a good practical joke. I should never have… framed that as a good practical joke, because it’s probably the worst practical joke… You know? It’s the kind of practical joke that gets you raped by the devil for all of time. I uh came here from Las Vegas, Nevada, and when I was at the air… Uh… Where do airplanes go from? Airports. I was in the airport, and guys were asking me for my ID, and it occurred to me that ID is a strange abbreviation, because “I” is short for “I,” and then “D”… is short for “dentification,” so… It seems to me “D” is doing most of the… legwork on that one. But Vegas was cool. They have a motto in Vegas. They got their own slogan for the city. It says: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Which is not true. You know, you can’t kill a guy and then just leave, you know? They’ll follow you, they’ll find you, they’ll bring you back, and they’ll try you in front of a jury of your peers. So I thought, well, what does it mean, anyways, you know? And I ruminated about it, days and days and nights. Sleepless weeks became sleepless more weeks. And, finally, it occurred to me. It was so simple. It was right in front of my face the entire time. “Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” all it really means is you can go to Vegas, you can have sex with a prostitute… And she will not tell your wife. They’re very discreet, the Las Vegas prostitutes. You know? Not like these gossipy, small-town whores back where you live, you know? These fucking blabbermouths. Down at the beauty parlor with that pale blue thing over their head, whatever the fuck that is. “Oh, you’re Marge Majerson?” You’re Neil’s wife? “Well, by God!” “I took a shit on him last night…” “In exchange for cash.” “Nice fella.” My favorite thing is the magic phones that we all have. You know, not so long ago, phones were not magic. They were just used to telephone people. And uh… they couldn’t take pictures. You know? If you wanted to take a picture – this was only, like, 20 years ago – you would have to use a… you couldn’t use a phone. I remember I tried. “OK, just hold on there. Just…” People go, “What are you doing?” “Don’t worry, it’s…” I was kind of ahead of my time, but they thought… No, you had to use a camera, and then you would put film in the camera, and then you would go to a Fotomat. It was wonderful. And you would give it to this old man, and he would go behind some beads and stuff, you know? And then you go, “When am I going to see them pictures?” He goes, “I don’t know.” And then you go… “I’ll phone you every couple of weeks. How would that be?” And then, one day, you got the news your pictures were ready. And so you brought your whole family, and you all showed up, and you got that envelope. It was wonderful. And you opened that seal, you know, and then there were the pictures – a whole handful. Like, you would go, “Hey, look at this.” It’s a picture of Aunt Ida, “but her eyes are red like the devil.” “Maybe Aunt Ida’s the devil.” “Hey, look at this!” It’s a picture of my dog, “but I put a hat and glasses on it so it would look like a person.” “It still looks kind of like a dog a little bit.” “Hey, look, it’s a picture of you!” But look at your jacket and your hair! “Ha!” “Look at the way you used to… Ha!” “Remember that hair?” So you needed that time for the picture to make any sense or have any resonance. Nowadays, you go, “Hey, would you like to see a picture of you standing right where you are one second ago?” “I got one here.” “Your hair is identical.” “I guess it would be, huh?” In the real old days, they would take pictures like… At my house I have a picture of my great-grandfather, and I only have one, you know? Back then, they only had one picture of everybody, because they would pull that thing, and it would explode and all that shit. And it was just my… Nobody was happy… because it took so long to get your picture taken. So it’s just my great-grandfather like… “How long is this going to take, sir?” “Who’s going to feed them hogs?” “It damn sure ain’t going to be Marjorie, I’ll tell you that.” Do you know what else I like about the magic phone? Wikipedia. Oh, have you ever used that? That’s the best, man. It makes a democracy out of smartness. Everybody’s equal now, you know? Used to be a guy would go to school five, six years and then he would talk to me, and I would be like, “Uh…” But now… Now it’s all different… because I have got my magic phone in my pocket. So a guy will say to me – he’ll go, “Hey, Norm”, you ever hear of a fella that went by the name of Claude Monet?” And I go, “Why, of course I have.” I got to go to the bathroom.” And then I go to the bathroom, and I’m in there 20-25 minutes, and I come back. I go, “Hey, listen, I was just uh…” We were talking about Claude Monet, and I just wanted to say “that, you know, what I liked about him was his paintings.” “I like the way he painted.” He was a painter, “and I loved how he used the paint to make paintings.” And then the guy goes, “Goddamn, Norm!” “I’ve never been able to stump you in two years.” But I looked on my… Because I like learning on my Wikipedia. And I looked, because I was wondering about fame, the nature of fame, because it’s changed so much, you know? And when I was young it was one thing, and now it’s a whole different thing. And uh I was wondering how many people have been to the moon – like, have actually walked on the moon. So I looked on my magic telephone and I found out. Only 14 – 13 or 14 – in the entire history of the world. You would think that would make you very, very famous. But no. The last guy who walked… Now, you think he would be famous for being the last guy to be on the moon. His name was Harrison Schmitt. Now, whoever heard of him? Meanwhile, he goes all the way to the moon, hangs around there for a while and comes back. He’s not famous, but a girl with a giant ass is famous. Now, when I was young, a man who went to the moon was famous, and a lady with a giant ass, you would go, “Can you stand over there? Because this is…” Harrison Schmitt. So how many people that went to the moon do we even know? There was… We know the first ones. There was Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin. They went in Apollo 11 – Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin. And even the third is hard to remember. His name is Michael Collins. And Michael Collins, in one of the… just most unfair jokes – I don’t know what it was – he got to go all the way to the moon but not go on the moon. All the way to the moon, and then, that little rope ladder, he wasn’t allowed to go down. He had to stay in the lunar capsule… while Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong went on the moon. Michael Collins just looking out the window, going… “Are those motherfuckers golfing?!” “Good God! They’re golfing!” “Wait a minute, they… they have got a dune buggy now!” “I was only allowed to bring so much and they brought dune buggies. This is…” “I have to keep up a good face, I guess.” And then Buzz and Neil, I’m sure they were nice guys, they didn’t want to hurt Michael Collins, you know? So they probably went back, you know, to the lunar capsule, you know, and Michael Collins was like, “What do you think, guys? What was the moon like?” And they were like, “Ah.” “It was all right if you like that kind of thing, I guess.” “I prefer the lunar capsule myself. I…” “I can’t speak for Buzz, but…” “I really do like the lunar capsule.” Because that’s what you do. You know, most of your life is mundane. I decided to write a book, right? So, it was a book about my life. They said, “Just write about your life,” so I said… Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. It turned out to be the greatest comic novel ever written, but when it started it was supposed to be a memoir, you know? A… An autobiography. So it makes you think, “Well, what is my life?” So I started thinking about it, right? So I said, “OK, I wake up in the morning”, and I eat some Count Chocula.” And then I watch Sports Center while I’m digesting my Count Chocula, and I phone my friend Fat Freddie. And I go, “Hey.” You want to eat a cheese sandwich or something around three o’clock? I… I got to wait for my Count Chocula to digest, “but how does that settle with you?” He goes, “Yeah, great,” so I get together with him. And on my way, I get some groceries to bring home for later, and uh… and then, of course, there’s dinner, you know? So most of my life is finding and consuming food. So it doesn’t make for a riveting read. It’s incredibly repetitious. When you’re writing, you learn a lot. I went to a guy who’s a big writer guy. He told me about things I didn’t know about. Metaphors – have you ever heard of them? He said, “You have got to use metaphors.” I’m like, “What’s that?” He was like, “That’s a thing.” So, a metaphor is like, ‘You can lead a horse to water, “but you can’t make it drink.’” I’m like, “What the fuck does that mean?” So he was like, “That means you can take a person, you know,” and you can give them all the information and everything, “but he still has to be the one to absorb it himself.” So I was like, “Well, why the fuck didn’t you just say that? Like, what…” “Why did you have to put a horse into it? Like, what…” “You thought I was so stupid you needed to make it into some fable? Like, what…” “A horse?” “Or sometimes the metaphor part of it is true,” but then the literal part is not true. They will go, like, ‘That which does not kill you makes you stronger,’ right? Now, metaphorically, that’s true, like maybe a woman breaks your heart, you know, or life deals you a bad hand. And then the next time you’re prepared for it “and uh… and it doesn’t hurt you as much.” “But, literally, it’s not true at all.” Literally it’s, ‘That which does not kill you makes you weaker… “And will probably kill you the next time it shows up.'” That’s why I like – personally – I like the ones where the metaphor is true and the literal part is true. Like… They say, like, “Beauty is only skin deep.” I think that’s beautiful, because it is. Like, you know, really, what makes a person attractive is what’s inside – their friendship, their conviviality, their goodwill, not this uh… optic trick, you know? And so it has that, but also, literally it’s true, because you could be the handsomest guy in the world, you know? You could have, like, this chiseled jaw and beautiful, thick mane of hair, you know? Large shoulders and narrow waist. Are you guys horny? Is it just me, or…? Giant quads, a perfect body. Six percent body fat, you know? But you take that same guy and you skin him. All of a sudden… he is not so easy on the eye. I’m getting old, you know? I asked my doctor… This is interesting, because I wondered… You know, I know the first two causes of death – heart disease and cancer, neck and neck, you know, to kill you. So I said to the doctor, “What’s the third most common cause of death?” What is the third?” And he said, “Complications.” That’s… That’s like the doctor fucking up. Like, how is that the third? That’s the third? You go, “Hey, Doc, I can’t help but noticing my father is dead uh…” “And I remember yesterday you said it was a simple operation.” And he was like, “Yeah, we thought it was.” “Looked simple in the book, I’ll tell you that.” “But uh… you cut open a man, by God, it’s…” “All this red stringy stuff and everything.” “Are you a doctor?” “No.” “Ah, you wouldn’t have heard. Way too complicated for you.” But you worry when you get old, you know? You get concerned, scared. I remember my grandmother, you know, she was like… I think she was like 85 at the time or something, and I looked at her – she was sitting in her chair – and I said, “Hey, Grandma.” She had a bruise, right? And it went from her… from her wrist, all the way up her arm, right to her shoulder. A big bruise – purple, green and yellow. A third of each. And I said… I said, “Grandma, where did you get that bruise?” and then my grandmother said, “The wind.” I said, “The wind?” And she said, “Yes. Do you remember that gentle breeze yesterday?” I was like, “Yeah, I remember.” My parents were teachers, which is a noble profession, everyone says. They’re fine people. But do you know what’s weird? They all say, “Teachers are the real heroes.” My folks – not heroic at all. And, as a matter of fact, I have never met a teacher that showed any heroism. And I have known a lot of teachers, because I was a student for years and years. And never once did I go, “Hey, Barney, man,” I was just looking at old man Abernathy, you know, at the way he was erasing that chalk on the chalkboard, where he put the chalk earlier… “and I was thinking, he cuts a heroic figure, doesn’t he?” “No? Me neither. I didn’t think that, either. I just heard that somewhere.” And it’s not that hard a job when you think about it. You know what I mean? Like, it’s a pretty good… If you have a job where you go to work – like Grade 3 – you go to work, and you’re 50 times bigger than everybody else that you work with… That’s a pretty good job. Plus, they do all the work. You do nothing. That’s… How about the students? How about giving some of them the “heroism”? You know, the… five-year-olds that are working for free. What do you need, really, to be a teacher, anyway? What’s the, you know, qualifications? Let’s say you’re teaching the Third grade. What… What do you need? A Fourth-grade education. Really, anything above that… You’re overqualified, really, you know? I didn’t like school. I liked before school. Man, do you remember that? Before you had to go to school. Man, that was the greatest time ever. I’ll never forget it. Those were my finest days, man. I loved them so much. I remember, like, I would go over to Shawn Kay’s house, and I would have a stick, and that would be the whole day. I would go, “Shawn, I’ve got a stick!” He would go, “Goddamn! We’ll go play.” It was so much fun. And then, one day, suddenly I’m in school. They were dragging me in, and I remember there were tears and… I’m like, “What the fuck?” There were these windows that made it even… You would look out the window and sometimes you would see the stick, you know? And you would go, “Goddamn!” Do these people’s cruelty know no offense?” Nowadays, you know, they have the ADD and stuff like that. For kids in class who are like, “Hey, I would like to go out!” they go, “We’re going to drug you.” “Then you won’t want to get out… and run around in the grass and have fun with the stick.” “You’ll be fine. You’ll be good.” But, anyways, I’m old now, you know? I was young. Now I am old. Yeah. I learned some things in school. Now that I’m old, things scare me, you know? I think it’s the media that does it. Like, they go, “North Korea,” you know? And, I don’t know, it kind of scares… It doesn’t scare me that much, but… it’s supposed to scare you. But, like, are you really scared? Have you ever woken up, gone, “Ah!” and your wife says, “What?!” “North Korea!” That little, tiny country, way the fuck over somewhere. “I’m scared, honey. I’m scared.” I’ll tell you, Iraq doesn’t scare me, North Korea – none of those countries scare me. There’s only one country, really, that scares me in the whole country. Or in the whole… What do you call that’s bigger than a country but less than a galaxy? Earth. The entire earth, there’s only one country that frightens me – that’s the country of Germany. I don’t know if you guys are students of history or not, but… For those of you who aren’t, Germany, in the previous century – in the early part… they decided to go to war. And who did they choose to go to war with? The world. So you think that would last about five seconds and the world would fucking win, and that would be that. But it was actually close. And then… I don’t know how that worked, but… Then 30 years pass, and Germany decides to go to war again. And, once again, they choose as their foe… the world! And now… this time, they really almost win. So at this point you would think the world would go, “Germany, you’re fucking not a country any more, all right?” “What the fuck?” “You’re not a country because you keep going to war with the world,” and… no one does… “What do you think you are, Mars?” “Do you think you’re Mars or something?” But it’s fun to get old, you know? You start watching old things. You know those commercials that are toward old people? I was watching, for instance, on MeTV, I was watching uh… The Six Million Dollar Man, right? And he was in Paris, jumping over the Arc de Triomphe and everything like that. And then, just by luck or coincidence, they went to a commercial, and it was a commercial starring Lee Majors, the Six Million Dollar Man, but as he is today, like an old man. So he’s jumping over… And it was for the bionic ear. And it wasn’t the real bionic ear from the show, it was a fucking hearing aid. So you see him jumping over the Arc de Triomphe, and then it cuts, and he’s in a studio, like, “I can’t hear too good out of…” “This one’s no good at all. This one’s all right.” “This one may as well not even be an ear.” And you go, “Goddamn.” You can’t help but feel sorry for a man like that. Because you know, at one time, he got a phone call from his agent, you know? And he probably had all kinds of hope, you know? He answers, “Hey, Jerome! My God! I haven’t heard from you in 30 years.” “You’ve got something for me? Well, let me guess.” I bet I know what it is. It’s that movie I wrote: The Return Of The Six Million Dollar Man… starring Ben Stiller. “And then I show up as a judge for two minutes.” “Is that the one?” “No? What is it, then?” “It’s a… No, not out of this one. No.” “Well, what…” “What is that?” “That’s a hearing aid?” “Well… how much does something like that pay a fellow?” “It’s funny you say that, Jerome,” because when you say it, I realize that that’s only one tenth of what I used to get from a single episode of… “No, I’ll keep… I won’t… Sorry.” “Um… When do they have to know by?” “Oh, within the hour, huh?” “Well uh…” I guess, then, I would say um… “Yes, I’ll take that.” “Jerome, I have to ask you this.” Is there any way in the contract that you can put in that um… “I’m sad?” What about those commercials… Where the guy just tells you stuff you already know? There’s this one with William Devane, and he goes, “Do you like gold?” You’re like, “Yes, of course.” “You should buy a big bar of gold and put it in your safe.” You go, “Well, I wish I could. That would be very nice.” “Do you know gold’s always been valuable?” “Yes, I know everything you’re telling me.” “Daffy Duck told me that when I was a little kid. I know all about how gold is valuable.” There’s one that I don’t understand, but it’s kind of… It’s called “reverse mortgage.” I had never heard of one of these things. It has a guy on it, and he goes, “I’m a guy…” And I want to tell you about reverse mortgages. “You’ve probably never heard of them, but you all know what a mortgage is.” “That’s when you and your loved one,” you get together a grubstake – you know, a little bit of money – and, by God, you put it down on a piece of land or a house, you know? And then, every month, you pay what’s called a mortgage, you know? Which is some money to the bank. And then 20 years pass, or 30, and you have a big party with your friends. All your kith and kin come, and you burn the mortgage, and, by God, “you own a piece of the American dream.” “Anyway, this is the complete opposite.” “So uh…” we would be glad to send you some brochures. “It’s uh…” “It’s a picture of you with no shelter.” You know, I’m trying to be a better person. I don’t know if you’re religious or not. I’m sort of half religious, half not. I try to uh… obey the commandments. And it’s funny that some of the commandments are very easy to obey, and some are very difficult. You know what I’m saying? Like, “Thou shalt not kill.” Well, it’s pretty easy to obey that, you know? But then there’s other ones that are really hard to obey, like there’s one that says, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ox.” Now… I have this old scraggly fucking ox. I bought him used – that was my first mistake. And uh… the guy who sold it to me didn’t tell me about all the fucking diseases this thing has. So he fucking wanders around. He can’t pull anything. And he has a big thing around his neck, like a bell, and that causes him… neck problems, so I have to take that off. And then… Then I walk past my neighbor’s house, and I look in his garage, and here stands the most beautiful… like, blue-grey… Belgian ox… that I’ve ever laid eyes upon. And he’s brushing his lustrous… And I’m not supposed to covet it? I… “Thou shalt not bear false witness.” That’s a tough one. But it’s good, you know, not to lie, but it’s very, very hard, you know, not lying, because you want people to like you and… Do know what I mean? You want to… All kinds of reasons to lie. I thought of a way of not lying, and I’ll… I’ll share it with you, if you like? You can tell the truth, word for word, absolutely true, but when you do it… You use a sarcastic accent. So I’ll give you an example. Your wife goes, “Hey, I noticed at dinner you were looking at my sister.” You’re… You’re not attracted to my sister, are you?” And then you go, “Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you, I’m attracted to your sister.” She’s like, “All right, Henry. Never mind.” You go, “No. Why? It’s true. I want to fuck her. I…” “Hey, the only reason I married you is to fuck your sister, right?” She’s like, “No, I shouldn’t have brought it up.” “No! Why wouldn’t you bring it up? I mean, you’re the victim in this whole thing.” “I remember at the vows, I kept thinking,” I am going to seduce “every member of my wife’s family.” “Regardless of gender, I’m going to fuck all of them.” “Then, afterwards,” I’m going to invite them over to the house “and set it on fire, killing them all.” “And then I’m going to move on to the next town, where I do it again.” It’s like, “All right, Henry. We don’t need to hear it.” “You don’t have to be like this.” “Why? Why?” “You’re the good person in this scenario.” “I’m the guy that goes from town to town…” fucking and murdering entire families… “And leaving conflagrations of ashes that used to be human beings.” “I’m the most savage” and prolific serial killer that ever was… and I’ve just never been found out yet, “that’s all.” “Just go to sleep.” “Yeah, I’ll go to sleep, or maybe I’ll buy kerosene all night.” So, that’s just an example. You don’t have to do that one. I’m just… I’m just saying, that’s all. But, listen, there’s important things going on in the world, it’s raining in the forest. I don’t want to get too political with you, but it’s a true fact. Now, I know… You know, I know uh… science, and I would not be surprised at all if, like, ten years from now, scientists went, “Goddamn! It’s good we burned down that motherfucking rainforest.” “It turned out that’s where all the spiders and snakes lived and shit.” “It’s what started that snake flu that nearly took everybody out.” Nobody knows nothing. But, you know, you’re supposed to crunch up cans, and I think it’s a good thing, you know? You’ve got the orange and then the green, there’s blue. You crunch the cans, and then you put that… And you should do that. I’m not doing it, but you guys… Should do it, because it’s important, you know? It’s always supposed to be for the people from the future. That’s how they try to trick you, you know? They always go, “The children are the future,” which is true, but they said that when I was a child. Then I grew up. I was like, “Here I am!” They were like, “Now it’s the other kids.” I go, “You fucker.” “I had a feeling there was something here.” “I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.” “And now it’s the other children.” [cheering and applause]. Listen, this has all been wonderful. But I will tell you this. Nothing I have said, really, is of substance. I-I find… And it’s not just me. I find… Like, most of my act is just, you know… uh… gossip and… and trickery. Do you know what I mean? Like some cheap magician, you know? So, I’ll tell you the only thing I know for a fact, and it’s something that we all know. Everybody knows it, but it’s harder to act on it, it is. But the only really true thing is that… we all must love each other. And it’s very difficult, you know? It’s very, very hard. Hey, what about this? A dog loves people. Like, you think it’s hard to love people – a dog loves everybody. Like, a dog… Like, my dog, right, I’ve never seen such a… No judgement. Like, my dog, all he does is love me. When I wake up… I think he watches me sleeping, because when I wake up, he’s right there, and he’s like, “I love you!” He jumps up. He’s licking my face. “I love you more than anything! You’re the greatest!” I go, “Thanks. You’re cool, too. I love you.” “I love you more than anything!” “I love you, too.” “Remember yesterday when you threw that bone and it turned out to be a rubber bone?” “Yeah, it was a joke. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” “I wasn’t! I wasn’t! I was laughing. It was funny.” “Oh, you love me so much, and I love you.” This is the greatest thing. “I’m just going to kiss you and kiss you forever.” I go, “Yes, you can do that.” “I’m just going to keep kissing you.” Then I go, “OK, get the fuck away from me, all right?!” “Just leave me alone, would you?” “I’ve got to write shit into a magic phone and stuff.” I’ve got no time for this… “fucking dog stuff.” Then my dog goes, “You’re right.” “I find… You know, I love you, but I… I just push too hard.” “I push and I push and I push, and I push you away.” “I’m no good.” “I’m no damn good.” “But what say…” what say I just stood here and stared at you… Completely quietly… until, finally, you looked at me again… with some look of love, “and then I jump up and love you again?” And you go, “Yes, that would be fine.” “Do that.” They don’t judge, dogs. We judge, you know? All our love comes with caveats, you know? There’s no such thing as unconditional love with human beings. But dogs, they don’t care. They love… Hitler had a dog. Now, you think of that. I’m no fan of Hitler. I never liked him. I didn’t like him before it was cool not to like him. But there was a dog in history who loved Hitler more than anyone. He would wake up in the morning and go, “Where’s Hitler?!” You know? And Göring, or somebody, would go, “He’s not here. He’s doing some evil stuff.” “I’ve explained to you, he spends most of his time doing evil stuff. You can’t see him that often.” He goes, “OK. Yeah, I know.” I’m not trying to… Listen, Göring, I love you, you know? I love Mengele, I love everybody. All you guys are the greatest. “But it’s just Hitler is the greatest man who’s ever lived.” This is why we ask that you don’t use recording devices. Just… I don’t want to be with fucking Harvey Levin tomorrow or something. “Did you say Hitler was the greatest?” And what would be my fucking answer? I would go, “No, it was a dog.” That wouldn’t work. I would be fucked. But… I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to end a special talking about Hitler. Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do – end a special… I’m going to call my special Hitler’s Dog.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

ALI WONG: BABY COBRA (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ali-wong-baby-cobra-2016-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage: Ali Wong! Hi. Hello! Welcome! Thank you! Thank you for coming. Hello! Hello. We are gonna have to get this shit over with, ’cause I have to pee in, like, ten minutes. But thank you, everybody, so much for coming. Um… It’s a very exciting day for me. It’s been a very exciting year for me. I turned 33 this year. Yes! Thank you, five people. I appreciate that. Uh, I can tell that I’m getting older, because, now, when I see an 18-year-old girl, my automatic thought… is “Fuck you.” “Fuck you. I don’t even know you, but fuck you!” ‘Cause I’m straight up jealous. I’m jealous, first and foremost, of their metabolism. Because 18-year-old girls, they could just eat like shit, and then they take a shit and have a six-pack, right? They got that-that beautiful inner thigh clearance where they put their feet together and there’s that huge gap here with the light of potential just radiating through. And then, when they go to sleep, they just go to sleep. Right? They don’t have insomnia yet. They don’t know what it’s like to have to take a Ambien or download a Meditation Oasis podcast to calm the chatter of regret and resentment towards your family just cluttering your mind. They have their whole lives ahead of them. They don’t have HPV yet. They just go to sleep in peace at night. Everybody has HPV, OK? Everybody has it. It’s OK. Come out already. Everybody has it. If you don’t have it yet, you go and get it. You go and get it. It’s coming. You don’t have HPV yet, you’re a fucking loser, all right? That’s what that says about you. A lot of men don’t know that they have HPV, because it’s undetectable in men. It’s really fucked up. HPV is a ghost that lives inside men’s bodies and says, “Boo!” in women’s bodies. My doctor told me that I have one of two strains of HPV. Either I have the kind that’s gonna turn into cervical cancer… …or I have the kind where my body will heal itself. Very helpful, this doctor, right? So, basically, either I’m gonna die… or you’re in the presence of Wolverine, bitches. We’ll find out. Um, I can also tell that I’m getting older, because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library. I’m not interested in books like Fifty Shades of Grey, OK? I’m interested in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Yes. Yes, that’s right, how to declutter my home to achieve inner peace and my optimum level of success. That’s what your 30s is all about. How can I turn this shit around? I’m a horrible person, I’m not happy with where I am, how can I turn this shit around? Help me, Tony Robbins, help me! I have a hoarding problem, which I’m hoping is the center of all of my other problems. I’m hoping that if the hoarding goes away, the HPV will also disappear. I have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world country and she taught me that you can never throw away anything, because you never know when a dictator’s gonna overtake the country and snatch all your wealth. So, you better hold onto that retainer from the third grade, ’cause it might come in handy as a shovel when you’re busy stuffing gold up your butt and running away from the Communists. The last time I was at home in San Francisco, I was trying to help her get rid of shit. Don’t ever do that with your mom. It was like the worst experience of my life. It was so emotional. We were screaming and fighting and yelling and it all came to a climax when she refused to let go of a Texas Instruments TI-82… manual. The manual. She don’t even know… where the calculator is. Those of you under 25 probably don’t know what that calculator is. It was this calculator that bamboozled my generation. We were all required to buy it when we were in eight grade. It cost like $200. And everybody thought it was like this Judy Jetson’s laptop from the future. All because what? It could graph. It was like the Tesla of my time. And my mom got so emotional about the manual and she was like, “You never know when you might need this.” And I was like, “But… I do know… that I’m gonna have to clean all this shit up when you die.” “And I’m not trying to be a procrastinator anymore. Because according to Deepak-Oprah, that’s not the way for me to achieve my optimum level of success.” I grew up a lot this past year. Uh, this past year I also got married. Yeah. To a man who now has HPV. Very lucky guy. He gave me something. I gave him something. That will also last forever. No, really. I’m the lucky girl, because before him, I dated a lot of losers. Lots of losers. A lot of skaters. You wanna be a grown-ass woman, stop dating skaters. Stop dating skaters unless you wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen. They’re sexy on the outside, malt liquor on the inside. Horrible. But my husband, I first met him at this wedding and, uh, he’s– he’s much better looking than me, he’s way out of my league, and I saw him and I was like, “Oh, my God, who is that?” And the first thing I learned about him was that, at the time, he was attending Harvard Business School. And I was like, “Oh, my God, I’m gonna trap his ass.” “Going to trap his ass!” And I trapped his ass initially by not kissing him until the fifth date, which is a very unusual move on my part. But I did it on purpose, because I knew that he was a catch. So I was like, “All right, Ali, you gotta make this dude believe that your body is a secret garden.” When, really, it’s a public park… …that has hosted many reggae fests… …and has even accidentally let… two homeless people inside. I thought they were hipsters, OK? That store Urban Outfitters has made things very confusing… for my generation. You homeless or you a hipster? Is that beard for fashion or for warmth? It happened to… It happened in San Francisco, when I was living there, and I saw this guy in broad daylight and we had, like, we had… We had so much chemistry. He was like, “Hey, wassup?” I was like, “Wassup?” And we– The next thing I knew, we were getting busy in the back of my Volvo. And then after we were done, he was like, “Hey, can you drop me off?” I was like, “Where?” He was like, “At the park.” And I dropped him off at Golden Gate Park and watched him run into the middle with all his other homeless friends, and I was like, “Oh, no!” “I just fucked a homeless dude! Again!” My husband is Asian. Which a lot of people are shocked by, because, usually, Asian-American women who, like, you know, wear these kinda glasses and have a lot of opinions, they like to date white dudes. You go to any hipster neighborhood in a major city in America and that shit is turning into a Yoko Ono factory. It’s… too much. I don’t know what’s wrong with these bitches. I get it, you know, because being with a white dude you feel very… You feel very picturesque when you’re with a white dude, you know. You feel like you’re in a Wes Anderson movie or something. And you know, white dudes, they teach you about a lot of cool stuff like voting and recycling, and disturbing documentaries. They introduce you to cool stuff like that and it’s very, you know, it’s hot hookin’ up with a white dude. I mean, nothing makes me feel more powerful than when a white dude eats my pussy. Oh, my God. I just feel like I’m absorbing all of that privilege and all of that entitlement… …you know, just right there, through the money hole and just… And then also, he’s so vulnerable down there. I’m, like, “I could just crush your head at any moment, white man! I could just kill you right now! Crush those brains! Colonize the colonizer!” You know? But I think that for marriage, it can be nice to be with somebody of your own race. The advantage is that you get to go home… and be racist together. You get to say whatever you like! You don’t gotta explain shit. My husband, half-Filipino, half-Japanese. I’m half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese. And we spend 100 percent of our time shitting on Korean people. It’s… amazing. It’s what love is built on, you know? My last boyfriend was Cuban and his family would shit on Mexican people all the time. And I was like, “Hold it. You guys aren’t Mexican?” Asian-American men are very underrated. I don’t know why people don’t go for them. They’re the sexiest. Asian men are the sexiest. They got no body hair from the neck down. It’s like making love to a dolphin. Oh, my God. It’s so smooth, just like a slip and slide. Just black fish, Tilikum, all up in my bed every night, you know? Ooh-wee. You mess with a Jewish dude and your body is all fucked up afterwards. It’s all red and inflamed and you’re like, “I did not ask to be exfoliated today.” “This is the last time I go on J-date, more like loofah date. Thanks for the rug burn, Avi.” And then Asian men, no body odor. None. They just smell like responsibility. That’s where the umami flavor comes from. I think my husband and I have a huge unspoken understanding, uh, between each other, because he’s half-Filipino and half-Japanese and I’m half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese. So, we’re both half-fancy Asian… …and half-jungle Asian. Yeah! You guys know the difference. The fancy Asians are the Chinese, the Japanese. They get to do fancy things like host Olympics. Jungle Asians host diseases. It’s… It’s different. But he grew up on the East Coast, going to private school, playing lacrosse, uh, you know, learning Latin and playing chess and rugby. He grew up like Filipino Carlton, OK? So, he didn’t know anything about Vietnamese people until he met me. And on one of our first dates, he took me to this restaurant on the west side of Los Angeles called Pho Show. He was like, “It’s authentic Vietnamese. I read about it on Yelp!” I was like, “It’s not authentic, OK?” You can tell, first and foremost, by the name, ’cause it don’t got a number in it. Second of all, you can tell by the bathroom. If it was legit, the bathroom would double as a supply closet. When I pee, I need to see ten gallons of bleach, an ATM machine and a grandma with glaucoma napping in the corner. And the wait staff here is too nice. We need to leave this restaurant deaf and emotionally abused. I grew up going to private school, too. Him and I are both total, like, private school Asians. We both are big hippies, too. We like to backpack through Southeast Asia. We like to do yoga. We do ayahuasca ceremonies. We do silent meditation retreats. That’s right, we pay $800 to shut up for a weekend. We do shit like that. Uh, we eat gluten-free, which means we eat all that bread that tastes like free-range Chewbacca. We eat that lesbian bread that’s like… …a thousand percent of your daily fiber… and 20 percent spoken word poetry. When you eat it, you queef a shitty poem about… …supporting Caitlyn Jenner or whatever. And so, it’s funny, right, because he’s Asian, too. But sometimes, all of this hippy-dippy shit we do… makes me feel like we are white people doing an impression of Asian people. Like, we have these Chinese scrolls up on the wall… and neither of us know what the fuck they mean. We’re like, “Oh, that seems to go very well with our Buddha piggy bank from Pier 1 Imports. That seems to be providing some good feng shui for the house. Him and I had been dating for four years and I– I just had this sneaking suspicion that he was gonna propose… because… I had been pressuring him to do it. So, you know, I just had this wacky women’s intuition. That’s how proposals really work, OK? A woman has to incept the idea into the man’s head. First passively and then if he doesn’t get the message, extremely aggressively. You gotta threaten to leave without ever actually leaving, because you know that you’re too old and it’s too late to go back out there and find a new man and start the whole manipulation cycle all over again. So, you’re like, “I’m just gonna stick with this dude, focus on trapping this dude, and just nag the shit outta him until he becomes weak and caves in and gets fed up and is like, “Shut the fuck up! Fine, will you marry me?” And then afterwards, the woman is always, like, “Oh, my God! He proposed!” “It came outta nowhere. And look, he got me the exact ring I wanted. How did he know? Maybe he saw it on my Pinterest page or something… that I sent to my best friend, that I told her to send to him every day.” Let me tell you something. If a man has a Pinterest page… he’s probably Pinterested in men. We got engaged on a Saturday. I bought my wedding dress the following Tuesday… because I had tried it on in 2012. I was ready. I was ripe. I was rotten. I need to be made into banana bread. That’s how rotten I was. People are always very surprised at how, off-stage, with my husband, I’m a completely different person. You– Like, you would not recognize my personality at all with him. With him, I’m very soft, and, like, very nurturing and very domestic. We’ve been together now for five years, and for five years, I’ve packed his lunch every single day. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. I did that so that he’d become dependent on me. ‘Cause he graduated from Harvard Business School, and I don’t wanna work anymore. I don’t. I straight up don’t wanna work anymore. I don’t feed him out of the goodness of my heart. I do it as an investment in my financial future. ‘Cause I don’t wanna work anymore. I’ve been reading that book by Sheryl Sandberg, she’s the C.O.O. of Facebook, and she wrote that book that got women all riled up about our careers. Talking about how we as women should challenge ourselves to sit at the table and rise to the top. And her book is called Lean In. Well, I don’t wanna lean in, OK? I wanna lie down. I want to lie the fuck down. I think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women. Our job used to be no job. We had it so good. We could have done the smart thing, which would have been to continue playing dumb for the next century and be like, “We’re dumb women. We don’t know how to do anything. So, I guess we better just stay at home all day and eat snacks and watch Ellen.” “‘Cause we’re too stupid to have any real responsibility.” And then, all these women had to show off and be like, “We could do it! We could do anything.” “Bitch, shut up!” “Don’t tell them the secret.” They ruined it for us, and now we’re expected to work. When I hear the phrase, “Double-income household,” I wanna throw up. A lot of women get very upset with me about those comments. And they’re like, “But, Ali, we have so many more options now.” Oh, you don’t think we had a lot of options when our day was free? Unscheduled, unsupervised, and most importantly, sponsored? Do you know how much shittier food tastes when you know you have to earn it? A lot of my friends, when we walk around together, they’ll get very judgmental about housewives that we’ll see on the street. And they’ll be like, “Look at that fucking housewife. Not doing anything. Look at that housewife, just walking around all day, getting massages in her Lululemon pants.” I’m like, “That bitch is a genius.” “She’s not a housewife, she’s retired.” I do write for Fresh Off the Boat on ABC. Yeah. Which is… It’s a great show. I love it a lot. I love my co-workers. It’s a great writing staff and in terms of day jobs, it’s probably one of the best you could ask for, but I still gotta work at a office every day. Which means I gotta shit in a office every day. Housewives, they don’t gotta shit in a office. Housewives get to shit in their house. Skin to seat. They don’t gotta use that horrible toilet paper cover. They don’t gotta… …ten times a day, every day… like you’re about to eat a sad-ass meal. They don’t gotta do that. They don’t gotta use that one-ply toilet paper, that office toilet paper, that they purposely make difficult to pull out. They try to ration me with their communist toilet paper that’s not even effective. It basically just dehydrates your butt hole. It’s basically like wiping your butt with the desert. I literally spat on my toilet paper two days ago, to try to make a MacGyver baby wipe, to moisten it, and then it backfired ’cause my fingers broke through and digitally stimulated more doo doo to come out, and then I had to start all over again. And you can never finish wiping at work because you always feel rushed ’cause you’re paranoid that your co-worker’s gonna recognize your shoes underneath the stall. And you’re like, “Oh, no! Courtney’s listening. She’s waiting. She’s timing me.” And then you hurry, hurry, hurry, and then you never finish wiping and then your butt hole feels caked in doo doo all day long. And then if you dare scratch yourself, your underwear at the end of the day looks like it’s been run over by the Goonies. Housewives, they don’t gotta muffle their shit, too. They don’t gotta worry about the velocity with which their doo doo comes out. They don’t gotta try to, you know, squeeze the butt cheeks together to make sure that the doo doo comes out at a slow and steady pace, so that no unpredictable noise suddenly escapes and brings you deep, deep shame. Housewives are free to just blow ass into the toilet and let it echo and reverberate to the ends of their hallways while watching as much Netflix on their iPad as they want. They don’t gotta take these boring, repressed shits. They can listen to podcasts. Planet Money. They can do whatever they want. You know, it’s– it’s very distracting for me when I hear my co-workers blow ass into the toilet. I lose respect for them. Nothing they say to me anymore holds any sort of credence. I heard one of my co-workers blow ass into the toilet the other day. This bitch had the nerve to come up to me and say, “You need to get to work on time.” I was like, “You need to eat bananas.” “I saw those green ballet flats. I know that shit was you. Don’t try to tell me to get my shit together when I heard you not have your shit together.” My father-in-law had this huge sit-down with me and my husband recently. Um, and he was like, “Hey, I wanna talk to you guys about money. You guys need to make a lot more money if you wanna provide your children with the same kind of privileged childhood that you guys had.” I was like, “Why you telling me this shit? I should not be a part of this conversation. You tell you son that. Don’t your understand that I trapped your son for his earning potential? Why else would I choose to fuck one person for the rest of my life? I chose to marry him on the promise of early retirement, and when I said, ‘I do,’ what I really meant was, ‘Oh, I’m done.'” I’m done. I don’t wanna work anymore and I’m not dieting anymore. Since I got married last year, I’ve been eating fried chicken skin every day since. That’s right. And just fulfilling my destiny. Which is to turn into a circle with eyelashes. Like Mrs. Pacman, just… Let’s redecorate. I gave up a lot of myself when I got married. I’m a– I’m a disgusting pervert. I’m a pervert. I’m a gross filthy animal. And I think it’s because I started watching porn at a very young age. And what happens when you start watching porn at a young age is that… y-you get sicker, and sicker, and sicker. The images you crave get sicker, and sicker, and sicker, but it’s OK, because the Internet will always catch up to you. I broke up with my last boyfriend because he refused to put it in the back. I was like, “Uh, you’re a idiot, dude. Do you realize that if I went on Craigslist… and posted ‘Tiny Asian female seeking anal…’ the Internet would crash.” “And all the Jewish male heads in the universe would simultaneously explode.” They would explode. A lot of women get really, you know… freaked out about anal. And they’re like, “Oh, I don’t wanna do that. I’m scared of– of the pain.” You ain’t scared of the pain. Women, they wax their eyebrows, they do all sorts of crazy shit. You’re not scared of the pain. What you’re really scared of is doo doo on the dick. You’re scared that he’s gonna see that and that’s gonna be all of your shame, your inner evil, all your secrets and lies. Sephora can’t help you now. But don’t worry, ’cause when he puts it in the butt, all he’s thinking about is, “I just put it in her butt.” “I gotta go call my mom, my dad, Dave, my grandma.” You’re– If you’re married, you’re gonna have to do anal eventually, OK? You have to, because you gotta change it up. You gotta change it up, so that you don’t cheat on each other. You gotta keep it interesting. If you put it in different holes, maybe you’ll feel like you’re fucking different people. I was very sexually active in my 20s, and as a result, I’m a little bit… …stretched out down there, OK? So, when I finally did anal, I just felt like I got a second chance at life, you know? I was, like, “Oh, my God! It’s like I’m going back in time!” ♪ A whole new world ♪ It was magical. A big fantasy of mine before I got married was to help as many men as possible discover their prostate. Yeah, like a conqueror. I just wanted to… Now, if you haven’t done it before, ladies, go home and treat yourself. Do it tonight. You only live once. YOLO. Just sneak your– Just give your man a little– a little push-push in the tush-tush. Just give him a little Atari, you know, and you’ll get a lot of resistance from the man at first. You’ll get a lot of “No! No! No! No, please! No, really, I don’t– No! I don’t! I don’t! No!” They get all squirmy wormy because… they’re scared. They’re scared that if you stick your thumb up there and succeed, and they like it, that then, it might mean that they’re gay. And I like that fear. That shit turns me on, you know? Especially when that fear metamorphosizes into pleasure. Oh, my God! And you just see the look in the man’s eye like he’s discovered nirvana. And it’s like you’re the first lady to show him that he had a magical clit in his butt hole. And then, you as the woman, in his eyes, just become the Lord of the Rim, you know? My husband is unfortunately just not as freaky as me. When– When I’ve asked him to spank me, this is what he does. “Hey. Hey, are you OK? Are you all right? You know I respect you, right?” I’m, like, “Yes, I know you respect me and that’s why you need to abuse me. OK?” ‘Cause it’s the most strong-headed, loud-mouthed women who like to be abused the most in bed. Women who are C.E.O.s, they just wanna be roughed around. They just want their– Glasses always means the woman wants some– It’s because we’re so in control all the time, that we just wanna experience some risk and be out of control, you know? Like, “I don’t wanna die! Don’t kill me! I don’t wanna die!” But I also don’t want to be sure that I’m gonna live. You know? I just wanna be out of control for once. Just– Just choke me enough so that I can’t talk. ‘Cause if I can talk, I’m gonna tell you what to do. And I’m tired of being the boss. I’m the boss all the time, so, in the bedroom, you be the boss. Yes. Because I’m the real boss. And I told you so, motherfucker, so do it. Sheryl Sandberg, that woman who wrote Lean In, has had such a big impact that now, because of her, there is a ban on the word “bossy” in elementary schools, because according to her, it’s sexist to use the word “bossy,” because boys are never called bossy. So, now, instead of saying, “You’re bossy,” you’re supposed to say, “You have executive leadership skills.” Which is a very roundabout way of saying: “You’re a little cunt.” I’m just waiting for the right moment to, like, become a housewife, financially, you know? I want my husband to get us to, like, a certain point financially. I wanna get to the point as a couple where I can comfortably afford sliced mango. Know what I’m talking about? I’m talking about that Whole Foods mango. That $10-a-box Whole Foods mango that was sliced by white people. That’s the kind of income bracket I’m striving for. That’s when you know you’ve made it, when you’re eating mango that was sliced by a dude named Noah. I want Noah mango… …Rebecca kiwi, Danielle pineapple. You know what else I want? I wanna be able to take a stroll on a sidewalk, see a quarter, and just keep on walking. Like a princess. I have some useful advice for all my Asian-American brothers and sisters. Yeah! Never go paintballing with a Vietnam veteran. So, I don’t know if you guys can tell, but I am seven and a half months pregnant. Yeah. It’s very rare and unusual to see a female comic perform pregnant, because female comics… don’t get pregnant. Just try to think of one. I dare you. There’s– None of them. Once they do get pregnant, they generally disappear. That’s not the case with male comics. Once they have a baby, they’ll get up on stage a week afterwards and they’ll be like, “Guys, I just had this fucking baby. That baby’s a little piece of shit. It’s so annoying and boring.” And all these other shitty dads in the audience are, like, “That’s hilarious. I identify.” And their fame just swells because they become this relatable family funny man all of a sudden. Meanwhile, the mom is at home, chapping her nipples, feeding the fucking baby, and wearing a frozen diaper ’cause her pussy needs to heal from the baby’s head shredding it up. She’s busy. So, I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. You know, a lot of my female stand-up comic friends who are a lot more successful and famous than me discouraged me from having a kid. And they were like, “Ali, why are you gonna have a kid? You just gonna become– You’re gonna disappear, and you’re gonna become some lame stay-at-home mom.” I was like, “Yeah, that’s the dream.” That’s the point. This is the ultimate trap. I won, you know? Another thing a lot of my friends said to me when they were discouraging me from having a kid, they were like, “Why are you gonna have a kid? Why don’t you just travel the world with your husband and just do whatever you want for the rest of your lives with no kid attached.” I was like, “Yeah, that’s cool… until my husband dies.” Which he’s definitely gonna before me. Because I’m a Asian woman, and therefore, guaranteed to live until I’m a billion. I’m guaranteed, like a turtle from the Galapagos, OK? We all know the phrase “black don’t crack.” Well, Asian don’t die. We don’t die. Especially the women, we live forever. And you know why we’re such bad drivers? Because we’re trying to die. We’re like, “Yeah! Let me see how invincible I really am!” “Imma make this left hand turn signal and ignore this red light completely.” “I’m gonna make a right turn– I changed my mind, it’s a U-turn!” “I changed my mind again. It’s a O-turn!” Every time I get into a car accident… …I’m like, “Oh, my God, not again!” I need to hide my face so that everybody doesn’t see that it’s what everybody thought it was gonna be. So embarrassing. My Toyota Corolla is a mess. There’s this huge bear claw scratch on the side from this aggressive brick wall that came out of nowhere. And then, on the hood, there’s multiple hand prints from pedestrians who have had to alert me of their existence. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m still here, you know? I need to have children to keep me company when I get older. It’s lonely. My mom is 80, going through a full blown mid-life crisis. ‘Cause she knows that she’s got a century more to go. And she is so lonely. All of her white friends, dead. Her Mexican friends, dead. Black friends, dead. I’m just kidding. She doesn’t have any black friends. Life is not Rush Hour, the movie, OK? I need children to be there for me when I’m older, when I get as old as her. And when I say be there for me, I mean pay for me when my husband isn’t around to support me anymore. I’m not trying to be one of those old Chinese ladies who recycles for a living. That’s not my destiny, OK? Old Chinese ladies, they don’t give a fuck. They got no shame. They’re like, “I’m just gonna recycle… go bald… go to the park, do this shit.” They do that ’cause it’s a free activity. For them. They do it in their– their big-ass V. Stiviano visor, their Darth Vader-Tomb Raider- Boba Fett helmet. They wear that to protect themselves from their arch-nemesis, the sun. Their in a contest to see who’s gonna burn out first. Old Asian ladies and the sun are like the Tupac and Biggie of longevity. I also decided to have a kid because uh, I’m only 33, which, I know, is not technically high-risk, but my body was starting to show signs of change. And it– And it scared me. Like, I’m only 33 and… …my pussy is not as wet as it used to be. It’s very demoralizing, OK? Do you remember when you were 18 years old, and your pussy was just sopping wet all the time? All the time, you just took it for granted that you could just reach your hand down your pants at any given moment, you throw up the peace sign afterwards, and there would be that snail-trail in between your fingers. Oh, my God, it was so juicy. You could just blow a bubble wand with it, just… “I slime you, I slime you. Ghostbusters!” I don’t know what kind of mother I’m gonna be. I’m– I’m 33, and I did have to get a little bit of science involved when trying to get pregnant. And a lot of that… is most likely my fault. Because, when I was in my 20s, I ate Plan B like skittles. So, my uterus probably looked like a smoker’s lung. And I found out that my progesterone levels were alarmingly low. So, then I had to take these hormone pills that were suppositories, and Push Pop them up myself every single night. And then, at my writing job, at Fresh Off The Boat, I would be storyboarding in front of my co-workers, and then, at some point, the pill would inevitably dissolve and melt into my underwear, and I had to act like everything was OK, when everything was clearly not OK. And then, a side effect of the progesterone was that it made me extremely itchy. So, then I had to find ways to discretely scratch myself underneath the conference table, and then resist the urge to immediately smell my fingers afterwards. I want to be able to smell my fingers when I wanna smell my own goddamn fingers. Housewives, they can just scratch and sniff all day long. They just vacuum, scratch, sniff. They make a sandwich. “Uh, mmm.” They watch Property Brothers, scratch, “What’s crackin’? Mmm.” Every time you scratch yourself, all you can think about is, “When can I smell my fingers? When can I smell my fingers? When can I discretely find a way to…” “…smell my fingers?” Nature made you urgently curious to protect you, ’cause you gotta check that it’s all good in the hood. If it’s too funky, you need to see a doctor. Your fingers are your first WebMD. When my husband and I were trying to have a kid, a lot of people were like, “Oh, my God, that’s so hot. You guys doin’ a lot of fuckin’?” No, dude. That’s– That’s shit you do in your 20s, OK? When in– When you’re in your 30s, and you’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while, it gets very clinical. You pee on these ovulation strips that tell you when the eggs are droppin’. It tells you when it’s Easter time. And I would only fuck him when it was Easter time. It was, like, only four days out of the month, and outside of that, I would be like, “We’re not fuckin’. I need you to save it. I want your sperm to be as pent-up, and as angry and rapey as possible. So that, when they come out, it’s like, ‘Release the Kraken!'” And they just come out like a bunch of angry refugees escaping a dictatorship, you know? And, um… yeah, and most of the time, like, we wouldn’t even have sex, ’cause I was so tired when I would come home, and see the smiley face on the ovulation strip, and I’d be like, “OK, it’s go time,” and I would just give my husband a hand job most of the time, and he would close his eyes immediately. I know what that means, OK? When somebody closes their eyes during sex, it’s not because they’re in such ecstasy with you that– that they need to close their eyes. When somebody closes their eyes during sex, it’s because they’re literally trying to shut the image of your face out of their head and instead project two Latina lesbians that they saw earlier that day on RedTube onto the back of their eyelids. Which is fine by me, because then he doesn’t have to see the expression on my face that says, “Please, hurry the fuck up.” And then, when he was about to finish, I could always tell because the indication is very universal when a man is about to finish. It’s when they get that… that stupid-ass look on their face… …where they look like they just got bit by a zombie, just… And then, because we’re hippies, I’d be like, “Hey, hey! Please look me in the eye and remember to come with intention, OK?” And then, I would jump on him, and hold onto his neck, and I would just twerk, twerk, twerk the shit out of him… and do some of this shit that I learned in Atlanta. And then I would turn upside down immediately afterwards… to make sure all of that Harvard nectar would just drain inside of me. That’s right. ‘Cause I don’t wanna work anymore. I’m very grateful to be pregnant and to be… this far along, to be seven and a half months pregnant, because, last year, I had a miscarriage, which is very common. And a lot of women who are in their 20s flip out when they hear that. They’re like, “Oh, my God. That’s so dark and terrible. I can’t believe that.” I’m 33. Girl, when you’re 33, you’ll know plenty of women who have had a miscarriage. It’s super common, and I wish more women would talk about it so they wouldn’t feel so bad when they go through it. When I told my mom– She’s from a third world country, and when I told her I had one, she was like, “Uh, yeah. Where I’m from, that’s like losing a pair of shoes. It’s whatevs, OK?” And everything happens for a reason. I found out at my six-week sonogram, which is very early. And the doctor says to me, “Oh, my God, I see two sacks, which means you’re having twins.” And I was like, “No!” And then she said, “But what I don’t see is a heartbeat.” And I was like, “Yes!” “The Lord is mysterious!” Don’t feel bad, OK? They were the size of poppy seeds. I’ve picked boogers larger than the twins that I lost. And most women won’t let their husbands watch when they’re going through a miscarriage. I sat my husband down in front of me while I sat on the toilet, and I was like, “You look.” “You watch the whole thing.” And he felt so bad for me. And I used it as leverage and held that shit over his head for a month and got him to do whatever the fuck I wanted him to do for 30 days. He took me to see Beyoncé. He bought me a bike off of Craigslist. That’s my miscarriage bike, and I love it very much. For 30 days, I finally had the marriage I always wanted. I’m scared about giving childbirth, though. I’m– I’m very, very scared of childbirth. That’s why I’m going to hire a doula. You know what that is? You know what a doula is? That’s a white hippie witch… …that blows quinoa into your pussy to Keyser Söze all the pain away. A lot of women tried to freak me out. They tried to freak me out about childbirth by saying, “Ali, did you know that you’re gonna poop on the table?” I was like, “Yeah, I look forward to it.” I’m all backed up from holding in my shit at work. I can’t wait to cleanse. It makes sense, like, that you– that that happens because when you’re in labor, you push, you push, you push, and your husband will be asked to assist in the labor by lifting up your leg, which subsequently turns into a soft serve lever. You just shit on the floor in front of the love of your life. And just when you think that’s enough to make him finally leave you, boom, a baby comes out, and he gotta stay. That’s the real miracle of life, right there. I can already see how a child can really take its toll on a marriage, because the baby hasn’t even come out yet and I am already so resentful towards my husband. So much resentment, especially when he asks me to do shit around the house. “Hey, can you wash the dishes?” “No!” “Can you water the plants?” “I am not doing jack shit anymore. I’m busy makin’ a eyeball, OK? Are you makin’ a foot? I didn’t think so. You change the channel.” I can already see how there’s, like, this crazy double standard in our society of how it takes so little to be considered a great dad. And it also takes so little to be considered a shitty mom. People praise my husband for coming to all of my doctor’s appointments with me. “Oh, my God. I can’t believe he comes to all your doctor’s appointments. He is so supportive.” Guess who else has to go to those doctor appointments. Me! I’m the star of the show. There’s nothing for the camera to see if I’m not there. But he’s the hero for playing Candy Crush while I get my blood drawn. Meanwhile, if I do mushrooms seven months pregnant, I’m a bad mommy. You know, I– I– I, like, I berate my husband on, like, a daily basis. Partially because I really am mad at him. But mostly out of survival, because if he leaves me, I’m fucked. So, I have to chip away at his self-esteem on a daily basis… to keep him down so that he doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of another woman’s affection and leaves me. I gotta keep him around by keeping him down. People don’t tell you about all this shit that goes down with your body when you get pregnant, you know? Your nipples get huge and dark. I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that they get dark so that the baby can see, like, a bullseye. So that the baby can find it easier. And then, you know, they get big– they get big, like fingers. Like, “You, you. You owe me money, you.” My nipples look like Whoppers now, and naked, I look like a Minion. But I’m not gonna be one of those crazy pregnant ladies who tries to get all back in shape right after they get pregnant. No. Hopefully, if you see me in a year, I will have the kind of body where, if I do a nude scene on television, people will commend me for being courageous. For doing it. Now that I’m seven and a half months pregnant, my pussy’s all wet again. But it’s different. It’s not like when I was 18 years old, when it was like, really hot, you know? And I was like, “Why is it different?” And I looked it up, and my pussy’s all wet again because my– my body’s secreting mucus to protect the baby from bacteria attacking it. That’s not the same. When it’s straight up soldier glue, when it’s Neosporin. So, you know, I– I, in– previously, before I met my husband, I had dated a bunch of losers. And then, I meet this dream guy, who’s, like, way more handsome than me, out of my league, graduated from Harvard Business School. Worked hard to trap his ass. Got him to propose to me. Oh, my God, then we got married, all my dreams coming true, and then we got pregnant, and recently we bought our first home together. And, uh, two weeks into the escrow process, I discovered that my beautiful, Harvard-educated husband was $70,000 in debt. And me, with my hard-earned TV money, paid it all off. So, as it turns out, he’s the one who trapped me. How did he do it? How did he bamboozle me? Oh! Maybe because he went to Harvard Business School, the epicenter of white-collar crime. He Enron’d my ass. And now, if I don’t work, we die. Why else do you think I’m performing seven and a half months pregnant? All right, I’ve been Ali Wong. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Donald Glover: Weirdo (2012) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/donald-glover-weirdo-transcript/

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, gonna talk about a lot of stuff. My parents are gonna see it. They’re the ones in the other car. My mom hasn’t. Yeah. I want her to see what I do, you know? Yeah… but you know, if you gotta do that… You know, you can’t live in fear. You see I’m trying to make a turn, right? It doesn’t matter. But you see I’m making a turn. You gotta pull all the way up and fucking bother me. You could have just stopped back there. This asshole’s awesome. He sees I’m making a left, so he’s gonna pull up to make it hard for me. New York is the best. (Cheers and applause) Hey, guys. So cool. Thank you guys so much for coming, this is awesome. This is so great. How many of you guys know me from my show, “Community”? (Cheers and applause) Great. Just want to let you guys know, this is gonna be nothing like that. This is gonna be a lot grosser. I feel bad… I feel bad for a lot of people who come to the show, like, people bring their kids and stuff like that. Like, “Oh, he’s gonna do Troy and Abed!” And I’m just like, “D!cks, d!cks, d!cks, d!cks, d!cks, d!cks!” And they’re» “Let’s go!” I mean, ’cause I did… I can be gross sometimes and I know it’s bad. I mean, ’cause I did a half-hour special for Comedy Central, and the way I got that half-hour special was I did an hour in New York. I did an hour on my own and Comedy Central was there, and they were like, “We really liked your hour.” I was like, “Oh, thank you, man, that was really great.” They were like, “We would love to give you a half-hour.” I was like, “Great, I would love to do a half-hour.” They’re like, “Great, but don’t do any of the shit you did in that hour. It was disgusting, don’t do it.” Did you guys hear about that Spider-Man thing that happened with me? (Cheers and applause) Okay, for those of you who have a life, basically what happened was there was… They were talking about on this geek blog, about making Spider-Man, you know, they’re redoing it. So they said that maybe this new Spider-Man, since they’re making it so quickly after making these other Spider-Mans, maybe they should make it real different, you know, make it kind of, like, dark and edgy like The Dark Knight, and put it in modern-day times and stuff, and maybe… You know, Spider-Man maybe doesn’t have to be white, maybe he can be black or Hispanic or something like that, and then somebody put a big picture of me in the comments and was like, “Donald Glover can play Spider-Man, he’s nerdy!” And I was like, okay. And somebody sent that to me so I was like, “Oh yeah, I’ll put that up.” So I put it up on my Twitter and I was like, Oh, Donald for Spider-Man, let’s do this. You know, kind of a joke, but also, like, who doesn’t want to be Spider-Man… That’d be cool. And that’s when the world went crazy. And half the world was like, “Donald for Spider-Man! “We’re only gonna watch the next Spider-Man if Donald Glover’s playing Peter Parker!” And the other half was like, “He’s black, kill him!” Like, it was so fast. It was so fast. It was insane, like, you were either very hot or cold on the subject, and I didn’t… I didn’t say anything, I didn’t do anything during that whole time, I just laid low, but I did read one comment that was like, “Oh, we’re gonna make Spider-Man black now? We’re just gonna make Spider-Man black now? That’s what we’re gonna do, we’re just gonna make Spider-Man black? That’s what we’re gonna do, we’re gonna make Spider-Man black now? Gonna make Spider-Man black? Well, why don’t we just have Michael Cera play Shaft?” And I didn’t respond to any of the stuff I saw online, except for that one. I wrote back, “Uh, dot, dot, dot, yes! That would be fucking amazing! Fucking Michael Cera playing Shaft. I’d watch that movie every day… I’d go broke. I’d go broke, just like, yes, one more for “Shaft,” please. Like, I’d be there every day. I mean, like, wouldn’t that be awesome, to be watching the movie, just be like, “Hey, Shaft, what’s going on, baby?” “Oh, nothing. Let’s find some hoes.” Like, that’d be so awesome! I’d watch that all the time. The thing that bothered me the most about that, the thing that really got under my skin, was that people kept bringing up Shaft. Like I care about Shaft. Like I must care… He’s black, he must love Shaft. Like I give a fuck about Shaft. Like, I’m like, oh no, don’t take our Shaft! Like, I don’t care, I don’t care about Shaft. Like, it’s just like… Like Shaft was the black Spider-Man or something like that. It’s just like, oh yeah, white people, you guys get this dude who swings from building to building and saves people, and black people, you get this dude who slaps women sometimes. Enjoy! Like, what? No, that’s not okay. He’s not even a superhero. He’s just a black guy. He’s just a black dude. You couldn’t… He’s not a superhero. You couldn’t have no Shaft ride at Universal Studios. You couldn’t have, like… Yeah, what we do is, we put you in the car and then we set up like, five women mannequins, and then you hold your hand out and you just slap ’em all. Just slap ’em all. $5, please. That’s ridiculous. That really bothered me. Like, no one… Like, Shaft… I don’t give a fuck about Shaft. I don’t care about Shaft. The fact that they kept assuming that… Like I woke up every morning, like, in my Shaft pajamas, jumped out of bed, ran down the stairs, drank a cup of Shaft juice, turned on the Shaft television… I just realized “Shaft juice” sounds like semen. Don’t wanna drink that. That’d be gross. I just like… I was just doing some stuff with, like, music, and I just put out that EP, and I was like… (Cheers and applause) Thank you. And I was listening to it in my car, I picked up… Like, it was in the mixing, and I was like, oh, I want to see how it sounds in the car and I picked up a friend of mine, she got in. And she was like, “Is this you?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And she goes, “You listen to your own music?” I was like, “Yeah, yeah, I listen to my own music.” Like, being a… being an entertainer… Being an entertainer is the only job where you can enjoy your own stuff. Did you know that? It’s the only job where you can enjoy your own shit. Like, if I made sandwiches for a living, like, if I made sandwiches for a living, like if I worked at Subway or something, I make sandwiches for a living, and then I go home and I make myself a sandwich, nobody in here is gonna be like, getting a little conceited, aren’t we? Like, no one cares, no one cares. It’s also the only job where you have to keep proving you can do it. Like, you can… You have to keep like… Like, if you work at Staples, you don’t have to be like, “Oh yeah, I know how to move paper from here to here.” Like, you don’t have to do that every time you go in. As an actor, I have to prove I know how to act every time I have to audition and prove I know how to act like I’m just gonna forget how to act one day. Like, I just won’t know. Like, I’ll come back from summer break, go to “Community,” and they’re gonna be like, “Okay, and action!” And I’ll just be like… “What are you doing?” “I don’t know! Is this acting? Help, help!” It’s ridiculous. But like, I was talking about music. I like music a ton, but the problem is, is like, I like weird stuff. I like weird, crazy music, like, weird people making music, and we really don’t have that anymore. Like, you know, we got Lady Gaga and stuff like that, but that’s… I don’t think that’s really weird. I feel like that’s planned, like, I don’t… We need weird stuff. But as an adult, we’re not really allowed to be weird anymore. Like, the older you get, the less you can take weird stuff. That’s the truth. Like, you can’t take weird stuff anymore. Like, as a kid, the idea of Santa Claus is really weird and fucked up. It really is, but you’re… Like for some… Just like, “Hey, there’s this fat guy “that comes in your house, eats all your food, “and he leaves little gifts for you and while your parents are sleeping, he runs up the chimney.” You’re like, “He gives me gifts… cool.” You’re just fine with it. You’re fine with that guy being in your house. As an adult, somebody’s like, “Hey man, ‘Glee’ comes on at 9:00 instead of 8:00 tonight.” You’re like, “Fuck you, really? “Why’d they change it? Why’d they change it?” Can’t take any change whatsoever. But that’s basically what it is, is like, you know, I’m 27, like, I’m about to become who I’m gonna be for the rest of my life. Like, basically, once you hit around your 30s, that’s who you’re gonna be for the rest of your life pretty much. Like, if you’re conservative and you’re around your 30s, you’re probably gonna be conservative for the rest of your life. If you’re like, liberal, and you’re like, in your 30s, you’re probably gonna be liberal for the rest of your life. You know, if you’re a girl and you don’t give blowjobs, curl up to your nine cats and your “Twilight” DVDs, ’cause you’re gonna die alone. You’re gonna die alone. Sorry. I love that joke because guys are always like, “Well put, Mr. Glover.” But it’s true, like you can’t take any… Like, as you get older, you can’t take any weird stuff, that’s just the truth. Like I know… That Lady Gaga! Kanye West tour. I was super stoked about that. That was gonna be so awesome and weird, it’s gonna be so crazy. I was having dreams about it, that’s how much I was excited about it. I was having dreams about it. I was like, there’s gonna be, like, two big pillars on stage, like, one big pillar here, like, Lady Gaga’s there and her hair’s, like, blowing in the wind and she’s playing the bass, like this, going… like a huge bass, but the bass isn’t a bass, it’s just a huge tampon, she’s playing a huge… She’s just plucking at a huge tampon. And at the end of it is Tony Danza’s face. He’s just like… He’s just going, like, crazy on there. And then, like, there’s another one, there’s like, another huge pillar, and then, like, Kanye West is on it, he’s playing a piano, but the piano’s not a piano, it’s just a bear, it’s a live bear. For some reason, he’s playing… And the bear’s not eating Kanye ’cause he has so much respect for him, he’s just, like, looking at him. He’s just like, “Oh, I want to eat you, “but you made ‘Graduation! You motherfucker!” He’s like, mad. And then, like, in the audience, there’s like, a big, clear beach ball that everybody’s pushing and kicking around, and in the center of the big clear beach ball’s just this one lone baby, just like, one lone, naked baby, and he’s not crying or anything, he’s just confused and shit. He’s like, why did my parents put me in here? I’m… I thought they loved me! And I was like, yes, that’s worth $50. I wanna see that. And they canceled it. They got rid of it. They were like, it’s too weird, it’s gay, I don’t get it, get rid of it. That hit home for someone. “It’s funny ’cause it’s true!” Well, they got rid of it. They canceled it, and that’s ridiculous. That’s crazy. Only adults would do that. Like, as a kid, we watched the weirdest stuff and nobody cared. Nobody… You guys remember “Muppet Babies”? (Cheers and applause) Let me refresh your memory what “Muppet Babies” is about. “Muppet Babies” is a show about a lady with no face who takes care of a frog, a pig, a dog that plays the piano, and an alien named Gonzo that fucks chickens. And adults were like, “Yeah, watch it, I don’t give a fuck. I got things to do, I gotta go.” No one cared. You guys remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sounds like a homeless person’s fever dream. If you… If you were walking down the street and you saw a homeless person and they were like, “They’re all named after Renaissance artists and their father’s a big rat,” you’d be like, “Get the fuck away from me, man!” I’m kind of obsessed with homeless people. I really am. Because, I don’t know, we have a long history together. We do, we have a long history together. Like, when I first moved here, when I first moved here from Atlanta, like, the only thing I knew how to do to make money was to babysit, ’cause my parents, like, they ran a day care, we had a lot of foster kids, so the only thing I really knew how to do was take care of kids. So I had this job, I was supposed to pick up this kid and I was running late and I was leaving a message on the phone, and I was like, you know, talking, and I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going. And a homeless man… punched me in the face. And I think he was like, schizophrenic or something, ’cause he was like, “Stop following me!” And I was just like… Just ran away. So anyway, I go and pick up the kid, I pick him up, bring him home, make him dinner. His mom comes home, she’s like, “Hey.” She goes in the back room, she comes back out and she goes, “Hey, are you okay?” And I’m like, “Yeah, I’m fine, I kind of forgot…” She’s like, “Are you sure?” And I’m like, “Yeah, what’s wrong?” And she plays me the voice message I left. And I didn’t keep it, but I remember it very well, and it went a little something… It went like this. Boop. “Hey, it’s Donald, I just wanted to let you know that “I’m running a little bit late picking up Ben, but I just wanted to let you know…” (screaming) “What’d you do? “What’d you do? I gotta hide!” (panting) “I’ll hide in this tree! “Get away! “Get away! Leave me alone!” (sobbing) “I want to die, I want to die.” That’s pretty much how it sounded. So- (cheers and applause) Thanks. So I’ve had a lot of run-ins with, you know, like, homeless people and stuff like that. And you know, I lived in Downtown LA, and Downtown LA is kind of like the ’80s decided to stay there. They’re like, oh, yeah, you guys go ahead and be the ’90s, go enjoy Ace of Base. We’ll be here, practicing the Moonwalk and selling crack. Like, that’s everything in Downtown LA. And I… You know, I’m hanging out in Downtown LA and I would always have… You know, I would have, like, parties or something or watch movies and stuff like that and I’d have girls over and I’d always had to walk them back to their car. Like, they ask me, like, can you walk me back? And I’m like, sure. And around the seventh time, I was like, wow, every girl who comes over asks me to walk them back to their car, like, no matter what time. And like, I realized, I was like, Oh, they’re afraid they’re gonna get attacked or raped or something, and I was like, oh, my God, like, that’s ridiculous. Like, as a grown man, I never think of that, like, that’s never in my head. Like, oh, will I get… Like, rape isn’t right around the corner for me like it is for women, which is so messed up. Like if someone… Like, I’m an adult male, I’m a grown man. Like, if someone was gonna rape me, like, someone’s gonna attack me and rape me, like, they had to be, like… Like, real tricky about it, you know? Like, real tricky. Like, I’d be, like, going in the movie theater, I got my popcorn, you know. About to go see, like, a movie with a bunch of explosions in it. Just like, “Hey, what’s going on? “Sorry, man, sorry. “Oh, sorry, man, sorry, just trying to get through. “It’s The Expendables. “Sorry, excuse me, trying… “Sorry, all right. Ah!” And then I see, like… Then I see, like, a man dressed like a chair running away. Goddammit! “What up, man?” “Nothing… I got raped again, man.” “Can you believe this? No, I don’t want to watch Expendables anymore.” I was hanging out in my neighborhood and this girl was jogging and we started talking about a rape that had happened in the neighborhood, and we were talking about… “Oh, this is awful, this is so messed up. I can’t believe this happened so close to us.” And she goes, “Yeah, well, “if anybody ever tries to rape me, I’m just gonna shit on ’em.” “Yes, I will. I have no problem.” Uh… Two things, lady. Number one, he’s a rapist. So his tolerance for gross stuff is probably pretty high. It’s probably pretty high. Number two… you can shit on command? Like, you can just… You can just poop whenever you want to? Just be like… Hyah! He’s like, “Oh God, no!” Like… You can poop whenever you want? Like, you got… You’re a national treasure. Like, you can… You got more superpowers than Shaft if you can poop whenever you want. That’s amazing, okay? No, I can’t poop whenever I want. Somebody can run down… down the stage right now and pull out a gun and be like, “Shit yourself! Poop yourself right now!” I’d be like, “Blow my head off.” I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I’m not… Me and my butt are, like, always on the third date, I feel like. I feel like, me, I’m always like, come on, let’s… hurry up, let’s do this. And my butt’s always like, stop rushing me, when the time is right. I’m not in love yet. That was me in a domestic dispute with my… with my butt. But with all this, like, crazy stuff going on, with like, you know, rapes and, like, earthquakes and all this… I know, I put, like, rapes and earthquakes in the same category. Like if my sister was like, “I got raped yesterday,” I’d be like, “Did you hear about that earthquake? “It was like a 4.5. It wasn’t huge, but it was big enough.” They’re not the same thing. But with all this crazy stuff going on, people feel like it’s the end of the world. Like, people just… People talk about… Like, people say this is the worst time. I was talking to my dad the other day and he was like, “Oh man, things are so bad, man. “Things are so bad out here, I’m sorry, I just like… “It feels like this is the worst time to be alive, man. “This is the worst time to be alive. “I’m sorry, son. It’s the worst time to be alive.” And that’s bullshit. That’s crap, that is total crap. This is the best time to be alive ever. This is the best time there has ever been to be human and alive. That’s the truth. (Cheers and applause) It’s the absolute truth. Do you realize, like, just a couple hundred years ago, just a couple hundred years ago, people could come into your village, your community, whatever you want to call it, people could come in there, just a bunch of them, kill you, rape your wife, sell your kids into slavery and people would be like, “Well, what’d you expect?” “It’s nighttime.” “My hands were tied, the sun went down.” You couldn’t get away with that stuff now. Somebody would Twitter that shit, it would be everywhere. Be like, “Someone killed my mom “and sold me and my brother to Greece. W-T-F?” It would be everywhere. People say the same stuff about rap music. People are just like, “Oh, rap music now, oh, it sucks so bad. “Rap music now sucks. “Now, back in the day, that was the good rap music. “That was where the good rap music was at. “I’m gonna walk around with my… Yeah, that’s the good rap music.” No, it’s not. Have you ever listened to rap back in the day? It’s always some dude being like: Well I went to the hat store today And I bought myself a hat Ha-ha-ha-ha! It’s like, “N*gga… N*gga, I don’t want to hear your hat stories.” So lame. You know, I think people don’t like rap nowadays ’cause they say it has, like a bad influence on kids, they have, like, a bad influence on kids. And I grew up with a bunch of kids, like, my mom ran a day care and we had foster kids and we had adopted kids. I know kids pretty well and I’ve got to be honest, kids are pretty fucked up anyway. They’re awful people. They’re tiny, tiny little Hitlers, all of them. They’re all awful. No, seriously. The thing that makes everybody in here a good person is empathy and sympathy. When you learn, like, “Oh, I’m not gonna punch that person, ’cause if he punched me, I wouldn’t like that, so yeah.” When you learn that, that’s what makes you a good person. Kids don’t have that yet, so they’re awful, awful people. They’re terrible people, they don’t have it yet, that’s the honest-to-God… You ever see those kids in the supermarket? They’re just walking around, they’re just like… Just screaming and their mom’s like, “Zachary, Zachary, I mean it, Zachary. “Zachary, Zach… Zachary, remember? “Remember, Zachary? “Remember the… ‘dolphin.’ “Remember, ‘dolphin’? “Remember we made the secret word “that means you need to behave? “‘Dolphin’ is the word, I just said it, “so you need to behave, you understand? “You understand, huh? Okay-r. Like the kid’s gonna be like, “Oh, you’re right, we did agree upon that.” “I’m gonna stop pissing in this Nutella jar and really… really start behaving.” He’s three years old, he doesn’t know. He… He can’t even talk. He can’t even talk, he doesn’t speak English yet. If… That’s the thing, when they’re going, like… And they’re screaming and they’re spitting and they’re screaming at their mom, they’re not saying anything. That’s because they don’t know words yet. If they could talk, they’d be cursing their mom out. They would. They’d be like, “Oh yeah, Mom, I’m just gonna… “Yeah, I’m just gonna eat this cookie for dinner. “Yeah, I’m just gonna eat this cookie for dinner, “it’s not a big deal, I’m just gonna eat this… “What are you doing? What are you doing? “Oh, you fucking bitch! “You knew I wanted that cookie for dinner “and you put it somewhere I couldn’t reach it. “You’re dead, you’re fucking dead. “I’m gonna tell Dad “and he’s gonna beat the living shit out of you. “Dad, Dad? “This cunt that you married “put a cookie somewhere I couldn’t reach it. “Fucking kill her. I’ll wait.” That’s what’s in a kid’s head. Kids are awful. Kids are awful people… You want to… You want to know a testament to how awful kids are, how terrible kids are? Um, I was walking down the street in LA, just walking down the street from a restaurant, from one of my favorite restaurants, and I had, like, a bag full of food, and it’s right across the street from a school. And I saw two kids fighting over a basketball. They’re like… Fighting over it, I’m just walking by. And one of ’em just goes, and just pulls it. And the other one goes, “That’s why your mom’s in a fucking wheelchair!” And I dropped my shit, I was like, Wha… Wha… What? You can say that? You can say those words in that order and you don’t explode? Like, the people police don’t come down from the sky, like, “Oh, I’m sorry, this person’s a demon. “I didn’t even know… I don’t know how… I don’t know how he got out.” That’s the most awful thing in the world. Nobody in this room could get away with that. If you went to work tomorrow and it was like, “Hey man, Dave is being a real jerk today.” “Yeah, I know, what’s going on?” “I don’t know, but that’s why his mom’s “in a fucking wheelchair. “All right, I’ll see you later, I’ll see you later. Basketball later?” “No, no basketball later. I’m not playing with a monster.” Tiny Hitlers. All awful. Seriously, that’s why I wear condoms. I’m not having a baby. I’m not ready to have a baby. And I know a lot of people are just like, “I wear condoms ’cause I don’t want to get AIDS.” But I gotta be honest, I’m sorry, I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby. Sorry, AIDS beats baby by this much. Seriously. People get all upset when they hear that. Think about it, they’re not that different, you guys. They’re not that different at all. They’re both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made, and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference? What’s the difference? The only difference is, you can’t go to jail by accidentally dropping AIDS. So AIDS wins by this much. I’m serious, I mean, like, people… At least people, “when you have AIDS, people are, like, aware of it and people want to help you. People feel sorry for you. Like, people want to help you out and make other people aware of that when you have AIDS. People don’t give a shit when you have kids. No one’s just like, “Yeah, man, I’m living with kids.” “Been kids-positive for about five years now. “I lost a lot of my friends in the ’80s to kids. “We’re doing a kids walk tomorrow and just… “I’m sorry, one of my kids coughed in my face, I have to leave,” like, no… No one cares. And it’s weird… Like, I remember, here’s… I was babysitting this kid once, this mean kid, and I remember the first time I saw him, I opened the door and there were tears streaming down his face, tears streaming down his face, but he wasn’t crying. He wasn’t crying. Just tears, he was giving me this mean mug, he was like… I was like, what the fuck is wrong with this kid? What’s going on with this kid? I found out later that his parents were very organic and they wouldn’t let him have any sugar, they wouldn’t let him have any candy. He would… The sweetest thing he was allowed was mints. He was just allowed to have mints. So he would steal mints by the handful. So his breath was so fresh… the vapors from his own mouth made his eyes water. Like, he’d be like, “Hello!” And then like… Just, they would just bleed… It was crazy. I would take him to the park, right? Washington Square Park, and all the babysitters in New York for some reason are Trinidadian. They’re all Trinidadian babysitters. And I would take him to the park and I was the only boy there, you know, I was hanging out. You know, they were cool. You know, we’d trade jerk- chicken recipes and stuff. And he… he was just a mean-spirited kid, like, he kind Of… Like, he watched HBO just a little too early and was just kind of a mean kid in general, so he would just come through and just… He wanted to get to his slide, so he just pushed over this little girl, she fell over, and her Trinidadian babysitter comes over and goes, “Hey! You leave that little girl alone.” And he goes, “Shut up.” And she goes, “Don’t you talk to me like that, I am a grown-up, you will respect me.” And he goes, “Suck my d!ck!” And the lady goes… I shit you not… The lady goes, “Someone betta get this little niglet away from me.” And I fell out because I have never heard the word “niglet” before! I never heard… My brain started… I was like, niglet, I haven’t heard that one! It was, like, insane. Like, the first thing that came to my head was, like, the name of a band or something, like, everybody give it up for Bobby Johnson and the Niglets! And like, three little kids in like, slim-fit suits come out. They sing, like, exclusively Hall & Oates songs. I was like, “niglet!” I was taking him home while it’s still in my head. I was like, niglet, like, is that like the black version of Piglet, like, Niglet? One of ’em’s just like, “Hey, I’m Niglet!” And like, Pooh’s at the door, he’s like, “Oh, come on, man, it’s 3:00 in the morning, you smell like malt liquor.” “Shut up, I’m Niglet!” Like… And like, I couldn’t… I couldn’t even get mad at the slur because there’s just something about racism that’s funny… when it’s tiny, you know? When it’s tiny, it’s just hilarious for some reason. Like, if a tiny Klansman ran onstage right now and was like, “Get off stage, you n*gger!” I’d be like, “Look at the little guy!” Pick him up, tickle him. “I’m gonna burn a cross on your lawn,” like, “Shut up, you little motherfucker. Get out of here!” “Aw, I mean it!” That’d be hilarious. It’d be like a messed-up Webster. We’d like, share a split-level house. He’s going up the stairs with his tiny cross. And he’s like, “Hey, Donald.” “Yeah?” “I hate you.” “I hate you too, tiny Klansman. I hate you too.” It’s funny how, like, the N-word still comes up in weird places. It does, like, it’s strange ’cause, like, it doesn’t really affect me like I’m sure it does like it used to. Like, I don’t really think about it, it doesn’t really come up and like, I don’t really care about that shit, but it still comes up in weird places. Like, I like… Like, I write raps, so sometimes I will write them in my iPhone, so I was like, writing, you know, the N-word in my iPhone, N-I-G-G-A, I was writing the N-word. And my iPhone goes, “Did you mean ‘niggardly’?” And I was like, “No, iPhone. “I meant ‘n*gga.’ Write it.” But then, like, two weeks later, I was writing “jigga,” which is the shortened form of Jay-Z, J-I-G-G-A, and my iPhone goes, “Did you mean ‘n*gga’?” And I went, “Whoa, iPhone!” “You do not get to say that.” I like to… I like… You know. I’ve said this in my raps before. I like to date the black girls of every culture, you know. Like Filipinos. They’re like the black girls of Asians. Armenians, who’s like the black girls of white girls. And I was dating this Armenian and… Someone’s racist. Armenians! Oh, God, but seriously, who were you dating? I was… No, I was dating this Armenian girl and we were making sex. I was having sex with her. I know, I wish I could start every sentence that way. Just like, “I was having sex with this girl, and enjoy ‘Black Swan. “Oh, I liked that. I liked the part where he said he was having sex.” But I was having sex with her and we were towards… towards the end, and she goes, “Fuck me harder with that N-word d!ck.” And I stop, look at her right in the eye… and I came harder than I’ve ever come… before. It was so awesome, you guys, it was so great. Like, I was like, wha? Like, I couldn’t believe it. Like, it was almost worth being black my entire life. It was so great. It was so great, I actually felt bad for white dudes, I felt bad. I was like, you guys’ll never have that! You’ll never have that… what do you guys have? “Cracker d!ck”? That’s not… That’s not sexy at all. That sounds like a virus you pick up on a cruise ship. Like, yeah, you’ve got cracker d!ck. Yeah, just hold it together, I don’t know. People always want to know who can say the N-word and who can’t say the N-word. You know, like people always… You know, I’ve got a lot of white friends. And they’re all just kind of like, “Oh man, I wish I could say that stuff. “It sounds so cool when you say it in rap songs. Like, I want to say that, it sounds cool.” And I’m just like, oh, it doesn’t really, like, do anything… it’s not that great, you know? Like, it still comes up in weird places, like… You know, like that niglet joke? I told that joke in Alaska, and Alaska, for some reason, has a large deaf population. So they hired a woman to do sign language with me for that joke, and she comes up to me and she goes, “I’m sorry, but are there any terms or phrases in your act “that don’t exist in sign language that I have to make up on the spot?” And I was like… “Yeah. Niglet?” And she goes, “Oh.” There’s already a term for “niglet” in sign language! They already have it! Deaf people have been saying “niglet” for years! For years! A n*gga that is tiny, that’s what that means! Was it… Why is this “n*gga”? Why is this… This is… I feel like it should be… Or… Way, way before this. I’ve done this walking down the street. Like, when my nose itches, I’ve done that and I feel like deaf people were looking at me like, “That motherfucker’s racist.” “That guy hates his own people.” But like I was saying, people always want to know who can say it and who can’t and it doesn’t help me, it doesn’t help anyone. Like, it doesn’t… Like, being black and being able to say, like, the N-word doesn’t help at all, like, no one’s ever… I’m not gonna get a job off of it or anything like that. It’s like, “This dude is extremely qualified for this job… “but this guy can say n*gger whenever he wants. Which one do we choose?” Like, no one cares. But there is one person in the entire world I know for a fact who can say the N-word, who isn’t a minority. There’s one person, there’s one dude. There’s one dude in the entire world who can say the N-word and he’s not a minority, he’s not black. And that one person in the entire world who can say the N-word is… Charlie Sheen. “Why does Charlie Sheen get to say the N-word, Donald?” I will tell you, audience. The reason Charlie Sheen gets to say the N-word is because Charlie Sheen, before all this crazy stuff happened two years ago, got in a fight on the phone with his ex-wife, Denise Richards, and just straight up called her a n*gger. Just called her… Just called her the N-word, like literally. He was like, “Listen here, you n*gger!” Like, really, really gave it to her, and I’m sorry, give that man the NAACP Award. That is… Seriously, that is amazing, think about it. A white dude called a white woman a n*gger. Straight up, he didn’t say, like, “I hope you get raped by…” Or something like that. You know, he didn’t Mel Gibson it, like, he just… totally just called her… I’m sorry, and that’s amazing, that really is an amazing thing, like, think about it. Like, see, black people use the N-word for everything. We use it for everything, like, mother, brother, sister, like, love, hate, we use it for everything. I called a seat belt a n*gger earlier today. I called a seat belt the N-word. I was putting on the seat belt and I was like… “N*gga, if you don’t…” I called it… it just needs a little flavor, so I gave it the N-word. You never… Like, we use it for everything. You never see any other minority… You never see white people just using it, you never see that… Just using it for everything. Like, you’ll never go in Ikea and see, like, two white undergraduates from NYU just holding… just holding up, some, like rugs and being like, “What do you think of this rug, Denise?” “I hate green.” “Oh, stop being a n*gger, what do you think?” You’ll never see that. You’ll never see that, and that’s the problem, it has to become a bad word for everybody. I hate it when black leaders are just like, oh, we’re getting rid of it, everybody’s got to stop saying it. No one… Like, rappers will still say it because you told them not to. That’s what makes them badasses. Like, you got… Everybody’s got to start saying it. Everyone, like white people. Like, you guys have got to start saying the N-word. You guys gotta start saying it. We will lose some of you in the process. Not all of you will make it home. But you’ll be dying for a good cause, it’ll be great. I saw a lot of white people here just like, “No, I would never… Uh-uh. “Not me, I won’t be doing that. I will never… I would never do that.” And let’s be honest. White people have been getting pretty bold with the N-word lately anyway. Like, seriously, I was at a Kanye West concert. I was at a Kanye concert the other day, right? I was at a Kanye concert and he was doing “All the Lights,” and you know how “All the Lights” starts. He does like three… three parts of a verse and then he gets to the end, and then he holds the mic out for the N-word part and everyone was like, “N*gger- Like, everyone, everyone. And I was in… I wasn’t in Detroit, I wasn’t in South Africa, I was in Texas, where they make white people. I was surrounded by white people and I was like, what the hell just happened? And they all looked at me like, what you gonna do? It’s a Kanye concert, we outnumber you. I was like, okay. I’m, like… I just got out of a relationship that was, like, pretty, like… Pretty hard. Like, I mean… ‘Cause I was, like… Really, like, fell for this girl. And the thing is, like, well, I learned a lot, which is always good. Like, you want to learn from stuff like that and like, one thing I did learn… I guess the biggest thing I learned was, like, if… If a conversation starts with, “What did you mean by that?”, it is not gonna end with, “Oh, now I know what you mean by that.” “Let’s go to Game-Stop.” Never happens. The thing is, is like dudes are pretty… Like, we’re pretty simple. We’re dumb, but we’re simple. Like we’re very simple. Like every dude pretty much is like, oh, I woke up, now I want to eat, did I eat? Now I want to fuck, did I fuck? Time to sleep again. That’s pretty much all… That’s all dudes. Girls, they’re, like, individuals. Like, all of them very individual, very different, and sometimes they will want two opposing things at the same time, like two opposing things, which is crazy to me, like that’s insane. Here’s a perfect example, is Destiny’s Child. You guys remember Destiny’s Child? Destiny’s Child? Yeah, Destiny’s Child. Women love Destiny’s Child. And remember what their first big hit? Their first big hit? “Bills, Bills, Bills.” Remember that? “Bills, Bills, Bills”? Every girl in here is like, “Yes, I do, I remember that. Totally do,” because it was just like… Everybody was just like, can you be… can you be responsible? That was that whole song. Can you be responsible? Can you pay my bills? Can you be a man who provides for me? Can you be… can you be there? Are you responsible? Can you be there? And then we were like, yeah, sure, yeah. Dude, we can do that, we can totally do that. Not even a year later, they come out with another song called “Soldier,” all about dudes who smoke weed in the middle of the street and shit, with two pit bulls working out. It was like, hey, Destiny’s Child, make up your fucking mind, okay? The dude working out in the middle of the street is not the dude paying your bills. I’ve never… I’ve never been… I’ve never seen a 245-pound, buff, like ripped dude wearing no shirt wearing a bandana and sunglasses, holding a briefcase at the bus stop, like, “I’m gonna be late for my data-input job at Google.” ‘Cause it doesn’t exist. You can’t have a thug and a working man. They’re not the same. You can’t have it, like, that’s… I hate this “Sex & the City” guy that every girl is looking for where it’s just like, “Oh, he makes chairs, but he also fixes babies.” That doesn’t exist. That dude doesn’t exist, okay? Being a girl and wanting that type of dude is kind of like being a dude and being like, “You know, I want a girl who will willingly do butt stuff. But I also want a girl who wasn’t molested.” Doesn’t exist. Doesn’t exist. No girl wants a penis in the butt. Sorry, guys- No girl wants a penis in the butt. Penises are gross. That’s why we talk about them all the time and hold ’em and stuff, ’cause we know they’re gross. We’re trying to talk ’em up like a used-car salesman. We’re trying to make ’em sound cool. It’s kind of like your friend who bought a Zune when everybody else bought an iPod. He keeps talking about how awesome it is. He’s just like, oh, mine has bigger battery power and it picks up the radio. It’s like, “it’s still a Zune, n*gga… nobody wants it. Put it away.” “Obama has it!” “Get out of here.” I’m sorry I’m being so crazy. It’s weird. I mean, like, I grew up with, a bunch of, like, kids, and that’s basically how I learned all about, like, insane stuff, like all the crazy stuff we used to do, was like, that’s how we did it, and you know, I want to make people happy. And it’s hard to find that balance sometimes, because like, I know I’m gross. People laugh, but some people think it’s kind of gross, too. But I always try to make people happy. Like, when I was a kid, like, we had a bunch of kids come and we had my cousins coming over once, all… like eight cousins. They’re all coming and I wanted to do something, like, special for them, I wanted to do something really cool, so I used my allowance money, which took me a long time to get. I had like… I get like a dollar or two dollars, like, a week, so I saved $20 and I went to the store and I bought all the stuff to make s’mores. And I was like, oh, I’m gonna make s’mores with my cousins, it’s gonna be great. I was like, this is my money, I can do whatever I want with it. I’m an independent woman. So, like, I buy all that stuff and then, I like, take it home and all my cousins are there and I’m, like, handing out the stuff. But I bought two for me. Like, I was like, it’s my money, you know, it’s my money. I’m gonna get two for me, I’m the oldest, it’s my money. I’m gonna get two s’mores for me, everybody else can get one. It was just like, okay, cool. I hand out the s’more stuff, we’re all getting crazy and stuff, we’re really excited, and one of my cousins just looks at it, looks at me, and then he just goes… (squishing sound) It’s not warmed up or anything, he just took all the ingredients and crushed them in his hand. He was just like… Just looking at it. All my other cousins were like, what the fuck is his problem? What is going on with him? He’s a weirdo. And he’s just like… whatever, so we make our s’mores, they’re really good, we’re making all our s’mores on the stove and we’re just, like, oh, this is so good, mm, mm, mm. And he’s just like… “I broke it, my s’more, I want a s’more.” And like, I was, like, “You messed up, “I’m sorry, dude, I don’t know what to do. You… I saw you do it.” And my mom was like, “Donald, give him the s’more.” And I was like, “What?” She’s like, “Just give him the extra s’more. He’s crying, give him the extra s’more.” And I was like, “No! No, no, he can’t have it, this is mine.” Just like, “Donald, don’t be selfish, give him the s’more.” I’m like, “No!” I was, like, crying. I was like, “No, please! This is my s’more, I did it with my own money!” She’s like, “Donald, you’re being selfish, this is your cousin, be nice to him, give him the s’more.” And I’m like… And I give him the s’more and he’s like… So, you know, I’ve been getting a little more famous lately. You know, I’m on TV and stuff like that, so a lot of relatives have been reaching out to me and stuff like that. So this cousin… I find him on Face… He contacts me on Facebook and he’s like, “Hey, man, what’s going on?” I’m like, “Oh, hey, how’s it going?” It’s like, oh, we catch up, we’re going back and forth. Like, “Oh, man, it’s so great.” “Oh cool, how you doing? I saw you on TV.” I’m like, “Oh, thanks, man, that’s really cool.” He’s like, “Man, you’re doing big things, that’s awesome, man, like, great.” “Thanks, man,” he’s like, “Yeah.” I’m like. “How are you?“ He’s like, “Yeah, man, I… “I got this girl pregnant, man. I don’t… I don’t know what to do.” And the first thing that came to my head was… good. I’m glad. I’m glad you’re in a dilemma. ‘Cause you ate my s’more. I hope he comes out and he’s a giant s’more and you crush him in your hand, because that’s what you do to awesome stuff. That’s how fucked up I am. This guy’s having a serious dilemma, like a serious thing. This will… It’s gonna change his life forever either way and I’m like, good! That $2 s’more. Yes, success, revenge! So ridiculous. I like… ‘Cause, like… You know… ‘Cause that stuff is important to you when you’re a kid. That stuff is really important. Like, that was like the world to me as a kid. Like, we like… ‘Cause kids love sugar. Like, my brother, Steven, loves sugar. He loves sugar. And I remember, like, we weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals as a kid, we weren’t. We just weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals. And, like, my mom would, like, get us… Like the two cereals we were allowed to have was Cheerios and Kix, and Cheerios is like cardboard doo-doo, and Kix is kind of like the handjob of cereals. It’s like, a little sweet, it’s like… It’s the handjob of cereals, ’cause it’s like, this is pretty good, but… you know what I really want. So, like, we would always go to the store and my mom… And my brother would be like, “Mom, can we get Cocoa Puffs? “I really want Cocoa Puffs! Can we get Cocoa Puffs? I want Cocoa Puffs!” And my mom would be like, “No, no, no, no, no,” like, “No, we’re not getting Cocoa Puffs, no sugar, no, no, no, no.” And then one day my brother just snapped. He just snapped. He was just like, “Mom, everyone’s eating it!” My mom goes… grabs it and goes, “Fine.” Throws it in the cart and just walks away and me and my brother go, what? It was that easy? So we go home, we go home and we’re like skipping around, we’re like, yes, yes, yes! We’re gonna get Cocoa Puffs, this is gonna be so awesome! Yes, yes, yes, yes! I can’t wait. Oh, this is gonna be so great, we get to tell everybody at school we had Cocoa Puffs! And she… My mom was a Tupperware woman. And my mom goes over to the cabinet and does the most devious thing I’ve ever seen anyone ever do. She takes a big Tupperware container meant for cereal, like, one of those big things that you pour and stuff, opens it up, takes a quarter of the Cocoa Puffs, like, just the top, like 1/4th of the Cocoa Puffs, pours it in there, like… Then takes a big ‘ol box of Kix, pours like the whole thing on top of it, shakes it up. So like, the ratio is like, 13,000 Kix to one Cocoa Puff, like, it was like one spot of brown… It looked like a Kanye concert. That’s what it looked like. It looked like a Kanye concert. She takes the box and slides it across the table and was like, “There you go.” And my brother’s just like… (crying) And continues to pour himself a bowl! You bitch! How could you ruin this? Like, crying. But he still ate it! That’s how much kids love sugar, that’s how much my brother loves sugar. He was an addict. He could have been like, fuck this, I don’t need this, whatever… He was like, “No, no, I still want it! I still want it!” It’s just like, if you love pizza and then a dude’s like, “Hey, you like pizza?” “There you go!” You’re not gonna be like, “Oh, you asshole! You asshole!” Don’t eat the pizza! Don’t eat it! There’s not people lined up around the block, just like a Domino’s, like, “Oh, come on, baby. I used to be a lawyer.” Don’t eat it. Like I said, like, I grew up with a lot of foster parents… foster kids and stuff like that. Like, I mean, like, my parents were my parents, I never had foster parents, but like, we had a lot of kids going through there. And that’s how I learned about all the stuff in the world, like sex and all that crazy stuff, ’cause they would talk about this crazy stuff. I’d be like, what? Like, I was so, like, sheltered. Like, my parents did a good job about that. Like, they did, like… And it would be weird, because I remember we would have kids coming in. And Dimarco’s like my little brother, and he’s adopted, but we had him since he was little, so he’s like, my real brother, for all intents and purposes, like, he was there since he was a baby. So, like, I would mess with him like he was my little brother, like, I’d be on the top bunk and he’d be on the bottom bunk, I’d be on the top and be like, “Hey, Dimarco.” He’d be like, “What?” I’d be like, “When you fall asleep, I’m gonna piss in your mouth.” “stop!” And my dad would be like, “Quiet down in there! I’m trying to masturbate in the den!” You can’t do that stuff to kids who have been in the system. You can’t do that stuff to kids who have been in… like, in house after house, like, because they’ve been in the system too long. They’re too rough. Like, I tried to pull this stuff on this kid named, like, Teddy. I tried to pull it. You know, I was, like, on the top bunk and I was like, “Hey, Teddy.” And he was like, “What?” And I was like, “When you fall asleep…” “… I’m gonna pee in your mouth.” And he was like, “You piss in my mouth, I’m gonna bite your d!ck off.” And I was like, “Good night!” Like, terrified. Like, every Saturday morning, we would come down and we would, like, rule the whole house, ’cause there was, like, a bunch of us, not including my cousins that would come over sometimes, and some kids my mom would babysit. So there’s like a bunch of us, there’s eight of us just jumping around, banging around the walls, just like going crazy and my mom would be like, “Get these kids out of here, they’re driving me nuts.” And my… Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go on a Saturday morning more than anywhere else, where do you want to go? Where? Where? Park. Park, I heard park. Chuck E. Cheese makes me really sad. Someone had a stepdad. “Yeah, Chuck E. Cheese, whatever. I’m gonna go call your new mom.” Oh, “new mom” hit a sore spot for a lot of people. No, but it was like… Yeah, you go to Toys R’ Us, guys. Toys R’ Us. That’s where you want to go. Toys R’ Us was the illest place on Earth. It was so dope. Like, Toys R’ Us was so dope, you didn’t even need to go home with anything. That was how awesome it was. Sometimes you just want to hang out there, just look at all the new stuff, get on bikes, like, ride ’em in the aisles. And somebody’d be like, “Hey, get off that, you can’t do that!” And you’d be like, “Oh, I’m sorry.” And as soon as they turn the corner, you’d be like… “Ahh, fuck you!” Just run around, be awesome. But like, we would always ask to go to Toys R’ Us. We’d go, like, “Dad, Dad, can we go to Toys R’ Us? We really want to go to Toys R’ Us.” My dad would be like, “You guys want to go to Toys R’ Us?” We’d be like, “Yeah, we really want to! Let’s go to Toys R’ Us!” He’d be like, “Well, get in the van. We’re like, “Yes, we’re going to Toys R’ Us! We’re going to Toys R’ Us, we’re going to Toys R’ Us.” Toys R’ Us dance. We get in the van, we’re like all happy and stuff, like, yes, we’re going to Toys R’ Us, we’re going to Toys… We’re going to Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us! And we never went to Toys R’ Us. We never went to Toys R’ Us. We always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids, fucking Home Depot. Fucking worst… Worst place on Earth. Fucking hate Home Depot. I hate it. It’s the worst place, ’cause that’s where your childhood goes to die, it really is. It’s where your childhood goes to die. The second… The one day you walk into a Home Depot and you’re like, “Oh, knobs,” you’re dead. You’re dead inside. ‘Cause all of us have had that moment when we’re at Home Depot and was like, “Oh, that’s a cute little mailbox.” Bury your dreams ’cause you’re not a kid anymore. You’re dead. And we would always go in there and it’s the worst place as a kid, it’s the worst place ever, because you want to touch stuff, you want to hang out, and then, just a bunch of quiet adults looking around like, “Oh, don’t touch that, that’s sharp. Hmm, I can make my house a mansion.” No, you can’t. You can’t make your house a mansion with a bunch of 2 X 4s. Like, it’s not gonna do anything. So it was me, my brother and this new kid we had just gotten named Terry, and he was new, brand new. And we go in there, we’re like, “Hey, come on, let’s go.” He’s like, “What?” And we go to the toilet section and we pretend to take shits. Like, that was a fun thing. We’d go to the toilet section and pretend to make poops. Like, we’d go over to the toilet and be like… “I ate a lot of beans,” like, and that was, like, a fun thing. “Ooh, I must have had a lot of fruit.” Like, that was, like the fun… the fun thing to do. And Terry went over and took a real shit. And I remember it so vividly because he pulled down his pants. And I remember thinking… he doesn’t have to do that. And he sat down and he just goes… And he gets up. And me and my brother look at each other. And no one in here knows fear until you’ve seen a dry turd in the middle of Home Depot… at 11:00 a.m. in the morning. People are eating waffles and jogging. People are like, “Muah, I love you, honey, I’m gonna go to work.” And someone pooped in the middle of Home Depot. And I think my brother kind of lost it for a second. He kind of went crazy for one second, ’cause he was like… “I’m… I’m… I’m gonna try and flush it.” I was like, “What are you talking about? “There’s no water! “We’re in the middle of Home Depot! We’re right by a washing machine!” And like… We’re freaking out. “We’re dead, we’re dead, we’re gonna die. “We’re dead meat. Oh, my God, we’re gonna die, we’re dead meat.” And then, like, I look over at Terry and Terry’s freaking out, he’s like, “I don’t wanna go back to the house. I don’t want to go back to the other place.” And I just grabbed him and I was like, “Get it together, Terry! “Get your shit together. “We are no longer children. “You took that away from us, man. “You took that away from us. Get your shit together.” So, we’re freaking out, like, “what are we gonna do?” And I’m like, “Okay, I’m the oldest, I’m the oldest. Okay, I’m the oldest.” So I run to the toilet-seat section, pick up a toilet-seat box, and just put it on top. Still in the box, just a box with a picture of a toilet seat on it, on top of a turd. And I look at my brothers and I was like, “Let’s just fade away, guys. “Blood oath, right? Just fade away.” And then for, like… like for five minutes. Like, my little brothers, like, they hid underneath some, like, 2 X 4s for, like five minutes, and like for ten minutes, I hid in, like, some rakes. Just be… super quiet. And for the next five minutes, we were the most well-behaved kids in Home Depot history. Like we were the most… Like kids are just going, “I don’t wanna be here.” And we were like, “What’s wrong with that kid? Need a back massage, Dad?” And my Dad was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s… What’s going on?” And we, like, look at him and he goes, “You want to go to Toys R’ Us.” “All right, well, you didn’t have to work that hard, it’s okay.” And he goes and me and my brother look at each other and… “What the fuck? “We… we gotta shit in stuff more often. We have to poop in stuff more often.” But we look over at Terry and Terry’s losing it, he’s never lied like that before. So he’s just standing there… He can’t look at my dad, he’s like, freaking out, shaking and stuff like that, I’m like, “Terry, we’re almost home-free. “Just hold on, we’re almost there. Just hold on, we’re almost there.” And that’s when we hear it. That’s when we hear the loudest sound I’ve ever heard in my entire life. And it was… “Oh, my God!” And it was the… oldest Asian woman I’ve ever seen, just on the ground, like… “Poop! Poop” And she didn’t know much English, but she knew “poop,” and she was screaming it. And the manager runs over, he’s like, “What’s… what’s wrong? What’s going on? What“ what-J’ “Oh, my God!” Like, he’s screaming. “Someone pooped in the toilet!” And then, like, adults run over there. “What’s going on? Oh, my God, who did this?” Everybody’s screaming, crying and stuff like that. It was like the end of the movie Se7en and shit. Everybody’s crying. Morgan Freeman was there, he’s like, “Oh, how can someone do this?” Like, everyone’s going nuts. I’ve never seen this many adults cry in my entire life. Never. And the thing that gave us away, the thing that gave us away was that everybody, everyone is running, everyone is screaming, everyone’s crying… and me and my brothers are like statue kids. We’re just staring at my dad just like, maybe if we don’t move and we don’t breathe like normal kids do, he’ll know that everything’s fine because we haven’t moved for 20 minutes. And he looks at us, looks at the poop, looks back at us and goes… “Let’s go.” And we all ran out. You guys have been so awesome. Thank you guys so much, I really appreciate it. (Cheers and applause) Night.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

John Mulaney: New In Town (2012) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-new-in-town-2012-full-transcript/

[funky 90’s beat and cityscape pan] [singing] ♬ New in town, [John Mulaney jumps out of apartment with rolled up papers] ♬ John Mulaney’s New In Town… [John tries to put mustard on his hot dog and dramatically squirts his shirt] ♬ He’s spilling mustard on his shirt, [John is in an office setting and comically drops an armful of rolled papers] ♬ He’s got some papers to deliver, but oh no! [Switches to shot of a newspaper that reads “John Mulaney is a Great Architect” and John does an “all right!” motion with his fist”] ♬ He’s successful, and he’s got so many crazy friends! [A black man carrying a small Asian man walk into the shot. Yellow serifed lettering reads “WITH “POUNDCAKE” WALKER & MICHAEL ITZOFF”] [John exasperatedly rolls his eyes, puffs his cheeks, and lowers his arms in front of him] ♬ Ooh, new in town, John Mulaney’s New In Town! [Pans in to a New York apartment building] (low narrator voice) New In Town was filmed in front of a live studio audience. [Fades into the actual stage and the crowd is cheering while upbeat music plays] * * * [John walks on stage with a cartoonish grin and picks up his microphone with a flourish] Hi! Hi! Hello! [crowd continues to cheer] Hi! Hahaha, how are you? Thank you, that’s very nice of you, thank you. [cheering fades away] Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That’s so nice of you, I hope you’re having a good week, thank you for being here! I, uh, am doing well myself. In a couple days I’m gonna turn 29 years old and I’m very excited about that. I was hoping, uh, by now that I would look older but that didn’t happen. [light audience laughter] I don’t look older, I just look worse, I think. Honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible!” [slowly turns head with shocked expression to pantomime someone looking at him walk by] [audience laughter] “Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!” You ever seen on “America’s Most Wanted” when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like “This is what he would look like now” [puts hand in front of him as though he were showing someone a picture] [audience laughs] I was a very nervous kid, I was very anxious all the time when I was younger. But what’s nice is that… some of the things I was anxious about don’t bother me at all anymore. Like, uhhh, I always thought that, uh, quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. [audience laughter] Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life, behind real sticks of dynamite [holds up one finger] and giant anvils falling on you from the sky [holds arms slightly away from body and looks up] I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand! I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, “Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?” [audience laughs] [John turns head sharply to the side] Now I’ve gotten older, and not only have I never stepped in quicksand, I’ve never even heard about it! No one’s ever been like, [slight Brooklyn accent] “Ey, if you’re comin’ to visit, take I-90 ‘cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. [moves hand in circular motion] Looks like regular sand, but then you’re gonna start to sink into it.” [lowers hand to gesture sinking] [audience laughs] I was nervous all the time, but I had a good family, I have wonderful parents. A lot of guys my age I’ll hear them say this, they’ll go, [slightly lower and slurred voice] “Every day I think I’m becoming more like my dad”. I think I’m becoming more like my mom? Because I- I was watching that show “Access Hollywood” and one of the reporters said, [switches mike to other hand and imitates facial expression and voice of a reporter and bobbles head while speaking] “Up next, we’ve got an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock’s former husband Jessie James,” and out loud, I went, [slightly higher and harsher voice] “Euch! This oughta be good!” [audience laughs and John nods curtly] That’s pure mom. [a little more audience laughter] My parents are both lawyers, they are BOTH lawyers, and sometimes they would be like lawyers with us when we were kids. I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said “Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?” and I said, “Yes”, But here’s the thing. [light audience laughter] [John smiles mischievously] I hadn’t. [quickly turns head with serious expression] But who cares? I didn’t have, like, a job interview or anything. So my dad comes back and in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush [raises his arm up by his head as though holding a toothbrush] He says, “John, is this your toothbrush?” and I said “Yes”, and he said, [moves hand with emphasis with every word] “So we agree that this is your toothbrush?” [audience laughs] But he said, “John this toothbrush is [looks down and looks up quickly] bone-dry.” Yea, like he looked down and he said [looks down and looks up quickly] “bone-dry”. [audience laughs] He said, “You lied to me!” and I said “Dad, [holds up a finger] I did not lie, I said that I brushed my teeth, I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight! [points to the side slightly behind him] And if the court reporter reads back my remarks, you will see that I did not perjure myself.” My mom’s also a lawyer, she was a different kind of lawyer with us when we were kids. My mom was more like Nancy Grace. She would just make wild accusations all day long and wait for something to stick. [audience laughs] My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. [dramatically turns head to the side while smiling] That is true. I woke up one morning when I was a kid and my mom was standing over my bed and said, [vibrates head dramatically on italicized words and speaks in a slightly higher and more frantic voice] “I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed in Paris” [turns on his heel and takes a couple steps to the side] Like I had something to do with it! I was like, [defensive tone] “Mom, I have been here all night. You can feel the TV, it’s warm.” Luckily, I had a good alibi since I was in Wisconsin and 12. [audience laughter] My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids, and I was [hushed tone] in love with her. I was in love with Veronica. She would babysit us on Saturday nights. [return to normal volume] And in my head, when I was a little kid, I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old. I was just talking to my mom the other week, I found out that when I was 10 Veronica was 13. [audience laughs as John wears a confused expression] So why was she in charge? All she could do was dial the telephone a little better than I could. 13 when I’m 10? That’s just like hiring a slightly bigger child. That would be like if you’re going out of town for the week and you paid a horse to watch your dog. [audience laughter] Like, [turns head as though looking up and a horse and holds out hand as though holding a piece of paper] “All right, here is the number where we’ll be, [maintains eye contact with imaginary horse and moves hand to gesture lower to the side] and here’s where we keep the dog food, [moves hand up to pet imaginary horse] and you’re a horse.” [audience laughs] [John continues to move arm in dramatic sweeping motion to show petting the body of a horse] [hushes horse] “Shh shh shh shh shh, shh shh shh, shh shh” [turns towards audience and lowers arm] Why do people do that? People always shush animals. They’ll go, [mimes petting a large animal] [speaks in soft voice] “Hey, shh shh shh…” [turns sharply to face audience with a cheeky expression and bobbles head, speaking in a matter-of-fact high pitched voice] They’ve never spoken. [as the audience laughs, John walks slowly to the side] I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid, I’m so excited that I get to live in New York. I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. It is a sequel, [audience starts clapping] Yeah, how about that movie? [audience laughs lightly] It was a sequel to the movie Home Alone. [starts speaking in a hushed tone] I remember in that movie — oh, the kid in Home Alone 2. He gets into a stretch limousine on 5th avenue with a large cheese pizza and I thought, [turns head upwards and outstretches arm and yells] “THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY!!” [light audience laughter] Now I live in New York and I’m psyched, [turns head to the side with dubious expression] but that is a stupid movie title. [turns head sharply] Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How’d you get lost in New York? [turns head with condescending expression and tone of voice] I know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasn’t a comedian back then. So I have to do it now. I wish I’d been. I wish I’d been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [aggressively] I would have torn it to pieces! Be like, [imitates a “ghetto” manner of speaking and voice with increased volume and paces back and forth quickly] “You seen this shit? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? It’s a grid system, motherfucker! [audience laughs] [John raises his eyebrows and whips his head to the side and begins speaking more rapidly] Where you at? 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th? 11 up and 1 over, you simple bitch!!” [audience laughs and applauds] [John returns to his normal voice and demeanor and raises an arm in a sweeping motion] That’d be my big joke. That’d be the closer. If I was a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [weakly holds up a finger] But alas, I was not. [turns head after every comma] I think the bullying that young people have to go through now is really rough, I really sympathize, ‘cause I was bullied when I was a kid. When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian-American. Aaaand, the biggest problem with that… is that I am not Asian-American. [presses lips together tightly] [light audience laughter] But when I was younger, [turns head quickly and says while laughing] and this is absolutely true, people thought that I might be Asian-American. [turns head with serious expression and holds his hand at eye level] I have pretty thin eyes, I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid [sweeps hand down from top of head to eyebrow then moves it straight horizontally] and I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut. And from the ages of 3 to 8, people thought that I might be a young Chinese person. On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend — he met me the first day of kindergarten — he went home that night and said, “Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes.” [audience laughs] [John smirks and sways his head with swagger] And that was me. Kids would make fun of me in middle school. Kids would call me a “china man”, which of the racial slurs has got to be the laziest. [audience laughs] That is just pushing two words together, [dramatically shakes head with eyes closed] no work was done there. [speaks in an incredulous tone] It was very confusing to me because I’m not Chinese, no one in my family is remotely Asian. I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside, but that was more of a carpeting thing that anything else. [light audience laughter] Here’s how bad it got, though… I remember when I was in junior high, we had this music appreciation class that we never appreciated. And they took us to hear some classical music once at a symphony orchestra. So we go to a symphony orchestra. In one of these classical pieces, there is a moment where they [pantomimes hitting something with his arm] bang a gong, and every time they banged the gong, all the kids sitting in front of me would stand up, turn to me, [places hands together and bows deeply] and bow like that. [audience laughs] Which is some racist-ass bullshit, but also [turns head with impressed expression] incredibly well coordinated for a group of 13-year-olds. 13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day. If I’m on the street on like a Friday at 3 PM [moves hand with emphasis on each word] and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street [points to the side and then dramatically moves point towards the audience] I will cross to the other side of the street. [moves pointing finger with emphasis on each word] Because 8th graders will make fun of you, [changes point into an “okay” with his hand and continues to move it for emphasis] but in an accurate way. [speaks with a spiteful tone and expression] They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even need to look at you for long, they’ll just be like, [uses high obnoxious voice and shuts eyes while doing a goofy dance] “Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [sharply turns to side and points with alert and mocking expression] Hey, look at that high-waisted man! He got feminine hips!” And I’m like, [John moves to side where he was pointing and screams in a high but gravelly voice while shutting eyes tightly and moving fist and upper body down in unison for emphasis] “No!! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about!!!!” [audience laughs] [John straightens up and turns to the side and pouts] [John returns to regular demeanor and expression and paces the stage in silence for a moment, smiling at the audience occasionally] When I was a boy, I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone, because before I went through puberty, I had a voice like a [stands up on tip toes and makes voice slightly higher] little flute! [audience laughs] I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. And — [audience laughs] It is! I was on the telephone with Blockbuster Video… that’s like when your gram would be like [narrows eyes and covers upper teeth with his lip while bending over slightly, yelling in a high obnoxious voice] “We’d all go play jacks down at the soda fountain!” [turns to the other side] and you’re like, [holds hand out in exasperation and narrows eyes while bending over slightly while yelling in a rude manner and shaking head slightly while speaking] “No one knows what you’re talking about, you IDIOT.” [John straightens up and audience laughs] [looks an audience member in the eye] You know how you talk to your grandma? [turns and holds up hand at about shoulder height] So… [John freezes his pose for a moment while waiting for audience to finish laughing] [lowers hand to side and turns slowly] I was on the phone with Blockbuster, and I’d called them a couple of times in one day to ask about a movie, and I called for a third time. I said, [holds up hand to ear to pantomime holding a telephone and speaks in a very high nervous voice] “Hey, yeah, I-I was just calling to see if you had Addams Family Values yet,” [returns to normal demeanor] and the guy at Blockbuster went, [holds up other hand to pantomime a telephone and speaks in a very low aggressive gravelly voice while shaking head and hand for emphasis] “Hey lady! I’ll tell you when we get Addams Family Values!!” [returns to normal demeanor] But look, I wasn’t offended as a boy being confused with a lady, I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist asshole that works at [mockingly] Blockbuster video, talking to me like I’m some floozy… [with confidence] I am a proud Asian-American woman [audience laughs] and you will treat me with respect! [audience applause] I am a tiger mom! [turns towards audience with dramatically serious expression and tone of voice] Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it. Uhh, I do. [nods] When people get mad at me now, it’s my fault, when people get mad at me on the highway that’s all my bad, I’m a terrible driver, I know nothing about cars. [regretful] I meant to learn about cars, and then I forgot. [audience laughs lightly] Nothing that I know can help you with your car ever. Unless you’re like, uh, [turns head side to side as though looking for someone while pointing behind him with his thumb] “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about The Cosby Show?” and then I could be like [hunches over slightly and walks with swagger with a comically “mature expression” and low voice] “Oh, perhaps I could be of some assistance.” I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, [colloquial yet condescending tone] I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. [audience laughs] I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it! [audience laughs] I was on the highway in Texas recently which was like a highway filled with 13-year-olds. [uses hand to represent his car and slides it to his left] And I was in the far left lane and then it turned into a U-turn only lane and I started to make a U-turn [turns hand inwards] [begins speaking rapidly and with urgency while shaking head] but then I panicked because I didn’t wanna make a U-turn! So I put the car in reverse [pulls hand back to where it previously was] and then merged right back onto the highway [turns hand to his right and pushes it forward] [returns hand to microphone] The best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and [turns head to side while pantomiming steering a car] looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, [audience laughs] expecting to see like [straightens up and speaks with emphasis] a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best. [audience laughs and claps lightly] It’s wrong to make fun of people, you know, but it’s so fun sometimes. [voice becomes increasingly low and hushed as sentence goes on] I’ve written for some TV shows, and, you know, on a major TV show you have to be careful about what you say about people ‘cause a lot of people get offended, or so it has been explained to me. I was once — I’ll tell you this, I was writing for an awards show once, and I got into some trouble. I wrote a joke for this awards show that had the word “midget” in it. And someone from the network came down to our offices and he said to me, “Hey, you can’t put the word midget on TV,” and I said [turns head and gestures to himself with his hand] “I sure would like to!” And he said, [turns to the other side and points finger and speaks more aggressively] “No! ‘Midget’ is as bad as the ‘n’-word.” [turns head towards audience] First off, no. [audience laughs and John chuckles] No, it’s not! “Do you know how I know it’s not,” I said to him, “is because [gestures back and forth to himself and the imaginary other person] we’re saying the word ‘midget’, and we’re not even saying what the ‘n’-word is! If you’re comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them… [nods head with energy] that’s the worse word.” [audience laughs] [accusatory and incredulous tone] Also, I don’t mean to gloss over what, like, little people have been through in this country, but you cannot compare the plight of midgets to African-Americans. That is outrageous! Midgets were never enslaved, [widens eyes and uses a dramatic tone] unless you count the Wonka factory! [audience laughs] So we get into this argument, we’re going back and forth, he goes [points and speaks sternly] “You can’t put that word on TV,” [turns to face other side and points while whining] and I said, “I want to,” and he said [outstretches pointing arm and moves it for emphasis] “If you put that word on TV, there could be a protest of midgets on this building!” [turns dramatically and leans over] and I said, “Promise?” [audience laughs] How tempting would that be? I don’t mean to complain about censorship at all though, because as you probably have seen by now, you can basically say whatever you want on television. It’s ridiculous. You can say anything you want! And if you don’t believe me, you should watch a little program called Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. [audience applause] Yeah. A show that I LOVE, because on that show you can say the grossest things you’ve ever heard in your life. No, you can’t say like the “f”-word, you can’t say that on Special Victims Unit, but people walk around on SVU going like, [walks to one end of the stage and quickly turns on his heel and walks with purpose while looking at the audience and imitating Ice-T] “Looks like the victim had anal contusions. [audience laughs] [points over his shoulder with this thumb] Yo, looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victim’s ear canal.” [audience laughs] Those are two real things that I heard on Law & Order: SVU at 3 in the afternoon, [audience laughter] both spoken by Ice-T. [audience laughs and John laughs as well, causing his voice to crack] Ice-T is a detective with the special victims unit, he handles New York’s most sensitive cases. I love Ice-T on SVU. He is fantastic, he’s awesome. What’s so great about him is that he’s been with the SVU for like, mmm, 11 years now, but he still treats every case like it’s his first in terms of total confusion. [light audience laughter and John chuckles] Sometimes they’ll be in the middle of an investigation and Ice-T will be like, [impersonates Ice-T and wears a skeptical expression while darting eyes side to side] “Yo, you telling me this dude gets off on little girls with pigtails?” It’s like, [condescendingly] “Yeah, Ice. [tightens lips and nods] He’s a pedophile. You work in the sex crimes division. You’re gonna have to get used to that.” [looks at front row audience] You know how they try and tie in, like, current events to every episode of SVU? [looks up] So there was this episode I saw a while ago that was about sex addiction, ‘cause a lot of celebrities have come out as sex addicts. So the episode’s about sex addiction. There is a scene in the episode where the other detectives are trying to teach Ice-T what sex addiction is, [with emphasis] and it takes a couple of minutes. [audience laughs] And finally, Ice-T gets it, [sharply jars upper body backwards while framing his face with a hand] and they cut to him in this close-up and he goes, [darts eyes side to side while impersonating Ice-T] “Oh, I get it. [looks straight on with wide eyes] You mean like when someone drinks too much, or snorts cocaine, or bets the house on the ponies?” [nods while smiling and speaks in a amiable tone] I was like, “Yeah you got it, man.” [audience laughter] And I was psyched that Ice-T understood so that they could continue with the investigation, but I could’ve watched another four hours of Ice-T just naming examples. [sharply jars hand up to frame his face] Just that close-up and Ice-T like, [impersonates Ice-T with a wide-eyed expression, looking side to side after each sentence] “Or like when some smokes too many cigarettes? Or like when someone shops too much with credit cards? Or like when someone plays too many scratchy lotteries? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake and then barfs it up?” [makes talking motion with hand] And he would just keep talking and it would slowly fade out and say [flicks hand forward] “Executive Producer: Dick Wolf.” [audience applause] That’d be my ideal episode. That’d be a good one. I saw this SVU a little while ago, I saw this episode of SVU, and Dean Cain was a rapist… [suddenly looks surprised and holds up hand with a defensive explanatory tone] ON THE SHOW. [audience laughs] And there was a scene where they do a line-up with Dean Cain and four other guys and they bring in this woman who’s gonna look at the line-up, and it’s her behind the glass and they open the curtain [pantomimes opening a curtain] and she’s standing with the two other detectives. [hushed tone] And I knew she wasn’t gonna say this, but part of me was hoping she would just be like… [squints and looks back and forth from towards the audience and to the side with a puzzled expression] “Is that… Dean Cain? [audience laughs] [John points towards the audience and nods before turning towards the side again while nodding] Fucking Dean Cain? [shrugs and nods] That’s pretty cool.” I also watch this show called Cold Case Files. On Cold Case Files, they solve old murders, and it’s really interesting ‘ cause what I learned from it is that it was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA. It was ridiculously easy. Like, what was even going on back then? What was a murder investigation like in 1935?? One cop would just walk in and be like, [speaks sharply with an old-timey accent] “Detective! [points over his shoulder with his thumb] We found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway!” and he would just be like [low voice] “Hmmm… gross! [audience laughter] Mop it up. Now then, back to my hunch… [holds chin with hand and looks around the floor] Hmmmmmm…. Look for clues. [stands up straight and looks into the audience with a confident expression and speaks with purpose] I’ll tell you what we’ll do! [chuckles] We’ll draw chalk around the body is. That way, [narrows eyes and looks side to side and speaks with a suspicious tone] we’ll know where it was…” [audience laughs] A couple years ago, I saw this movie called Public Enemies with Johnny Depp, it was about old bank robbers and stuff. Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the 30’s. As long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it. To the point that, like, those old bank robbers, they take credit for the bank robberies! Like, they come running out of there and they’re like [jumps up and squats while pretending to hold a gun, speaking in an old-timey accent] “Ha ha ha! And if anyone asks, you tell em it was Golden Joe and the Suggins Gang!” [pantomimes shooting to the side with his imaginary gun] And then they like shoot “Suggins” into the side of the wall. It’s like, what, were bullets free back then? And they don’t even disguise themselves! [stands on tiptoes for emphasis] They dress up for the bank robbery. They’re rolling in there in, like, [walks a few steps with swagger] big suits and hats like they’re going to church in Atlanta. They make a day of it! [audience laughter and applause] [John walks around for a while, steps over his microphone cord and looks into a camera] [mumbles to the crowd while gesturing to the camera] I don’t know about that. [camera moves side to side] [John laughs nervously] Oh ho ho! Oh good, it has a mind of its own. [camera moves up and down] [audience laughs] That’s very reassuring. No, no no no… [John walks away from the camera] I don’t like robots… [waggles finger by his head] thinking of things. [audience laughs, and John paces for a moment] [looks himself over] Hope you don’t mind that I dressed up. It was my first communion today so I decided to come right from it. [audience laughs] I was a very good first communicant. Thank you for coming to this show by the way, I really do appreciate you coming to a thing because you didn’t have to, and it’s really easy not to go to things. [light audience laughter] It is so much easier not to do things than to do them, that you would do anything is totally remarkable. [audience laughs] Percentage-wise, it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them. [slowly turns head with excited expression] And so much fun not to do them! Especially when you are supposed to do them. In terms of, like, instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin. [audience laughs] It is an amazing feeling. Such instant joy. Kids don’t like that. Kids always wanna do stuff. Kids get angry, they go, [mockingly high and whiney voice] “Aw, we didn’t do anything ALL DAY.” You ever ask an adult what they did over the weekend and they say they didn’t do anything, their faces light up. Be like, “What’d you do this weekend?” [puts hand on hip and looks down and speaks softly] “I, um, I did nothing. [looks up with bright expression] I did nothing at all. [looks down] Did we do anything? [looks back up with epiphanic joy] No, I didn’t do anything.” [light audience laughter] People especially don’t wanna do their jobs. I’ve found that out recently too. I have a friend named Megan, she’s an elementary school teacher and I was out with her one night and she was drinking like a monster. And I said to her, [holds out arm and looks to the side with a confused expression and an accusatory tone] “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” And she went, [closes his eyes and slurs his words] “Ahh, I’ll just show a video.” And I was like, [shocked but excited expression] “That’s why teachers show videos?” [audience laughs] She said this, she goes, [closes eyes and slurs] “Yeah, I don’t wanna work!” And I was like, “You know the kids don’t wanna work either” and she was like [closes eyes and slurs] “Good!” [pantomimes taking a shot] I, uh, really do — I was psyched to do it in New York. Uhh, I’m really happy to live here and was glad that we could do it in New York City. And, uh, I’m not sure how you all got here tonight, um, but I did wanna say this, I’ve never been, uh, killed by hit men so I don’t know what it’s like in the moments just before you’re killed by hit men, but I bet it’s not unlike when you’re on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. [audience laughs] Just that brief moment where you’re reading and you’re like [looks up from imaginary book with a pleasant expression and tone] “Oh, a guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, another guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, an accordion player — [expression changes to a cartoon-like dread and surprise and he speaks in dramaticised slow motion] OOOHH NNNOOOOO” [audience applauds] [John begins imitating mariachi music] [sings with a slightly slurred and lower voice] ♬ This is the loudest thing in the world! [audience laughs] [low and almost mumbling] Uh, I was really excited a lot of people, uh, showed up. They told me that it was a big theater and I thought that no one would come. So thank you for coming. I wanted to, like, take ads out in the paper. Like, be — you know, do something to a tot so I get in the New York Post or something. [light audience laughter] Uhh, the New York Post is my favorite newspaper. I think it’s great, I read it every day. I like reading the New York Post because reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now they’re trying to give you the gist. [audience laughter and applause] It’s like, you’d get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, [pantomimes grabbing someone by the shoulders and shaking them violently, yells shrilly] “WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?” and they’re like, [throws arms out with a shocked expression and speaks in a low voice with a New York accent] “There’s a perv in Queens!” You’d be like, [pantomimes tipping a hat] “All right, thank you.” [audience laughs] Or rather, it’s like someone read a better newspaper and now they’re trying to text you everything they can remember. [moves thumb to pantomime texting] [audience laughs and John chuckles] Doesn’t have to be right, just has to be short. I really do love the Post, I read it a lot and there’s a hierarchy in the New York Post. Uh, different people that they like [gestures hand up at head level] and different people that they don’t like. [gestures hand down at waist level] Uh, and if you pay attention, [moves hand down from head to waist level in segments] you can start to identify some of the rankings that they have. Um, the number one thing that you can be [holds hand up and head level] in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. An angel is a child who has died. That is the best thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post. The less amount of time you live, the better… in the eyes of the Post. After that, [moves hand slightly lower] under an angel is a hero. [lowers arm to his side] A hero is any man who does his job. [audience laughs] You’ll a lot of times see headlines that are like, [announcer voice] “Hero Tutor Teaches After School,” and you’re like [shrugs and uses a low voice] “Yeah.” [shrugs] [audience laughs] [holds up hand at chest level] Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. Pervs touch tots, [moves hand slightly higher] tots are angels who haven’t died yet. [audience laughs] [points behind him] There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. [chuckles] You’re either a tot [points next to him at shoulder level] or you’re dead and you’re an angel. [points next to him at head level] [turns on his heels toward audience and holds up a finger] I did leave one out, sorry. [turns back towards his imaginary chart and gestures from chest level to slightly higher] Above perv is a bozo. [audience laughs] A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. [bobbles head and speaks out the corner of his mouth with an old-timey accent] That guy’s a bozo! [audience laughs] I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife and it says [mocking announcer voice] “Tiger says he’s sorry, but Elin says [turns sharply and speaks with emphasis] ‘Beat it, bozo!’” [audience laughs] No, she did not. [audience laughter] She is from another country. And even if she was from this country, no one has said “bozo” in 1,000 years. Who was your source on that, New York Post? Some tiny old lady that chain smokes all day long? They met her in a parking garage and they were like [squats down and speaks with excitement] “Madge, give us the scoop! What did Elin say to Tiger?” [turns and squats lower, pantomiming smoking a cigarette while squinting and speaking in a low gravelly voice] “Eh, she told him to ‘beat it, bozo.’” [audience laughs and John straightens himself up] I’m feeling good tonight though, I got a massage recently. Went to a spa to get a massage, [chuckles] I went into the room to get the massage and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level. Those were her words, she said, [bends over slightly and speaks in a gentle feminine voice while doing a “calm down” motion with his hand] “I’m gonna leave the room, you undress to your comfort level.” [quickly straightens up and turns] So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe. [light audience laughter] I’m trying to, in general, take better care of myself. I’m trying to stop smoking, I’ve smoked since I was 13 years old. I started when I was 13 years old ‘cause I stole 2 cigarettes [holds up two fingers] from my older sister and I hid them in a shoebox under my bed with a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. [light audience laughter] And one day, my mom cleaned under my bed, and she [hushed voice] found the shoebox. I came home from school and my mom was standing there holding it and she said, [pantomimes holding a box and stares forward with an accusatory look and speaks with a loud sharp voice] “Hey mister! I found your treasure!” [audience laughs] [waggles his finger] And I never liked the way she phrased that, you know, ‘cause that made me sound like the world’s lamest pirate. Like, a guy whose treasure chest is two cigarettes and a woman’s magazine. [audience laughs] And my dad came home from work, and my mom told my dad that she had cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan to which prompted my dad to ask, [low deadpan voice] “How does John know how to make a cosmopolitan?” [audience laughs] I’m trying to eat better. I was out to lunch with a friend and I got a chicken sandwich and the waitress said to me, [light casual voice] “Oh, you’re getting a chicken sandwich! Well that comes with a choice of either salad or fries.” Those were the choices — salad or fries, the two most different foods in the universe. [light audience laughter] That’s like saying, “What kinda day do you wanna have? [raises arm to side] Do you wanna be active and go to the bathroom and stuff, or [gestures to the ground] do you wanna lay on the floor moaning?” [audience laughs] [mockingly casually] “Oh, you’re getting a chicken sandwich? Well with that, you can either [gestures fingers as though counting] go for a jog or smoke crack cocaine.” [audience laughs lightly] [mockingly light and slightly feminine] “Oh, huh, well… [moves hand in circular motion to gesture to imaginary table] if I get a plate of crack for the table, [outstretches hand to imaginary person] would you have some? You’d have crack if I got a plate of crack? Yeah, okay, yeah we’ll take an order of crack.” [light audience laughter] [suddenly turns and speaks with purpose] Sometimes when people order fries, [playfully] they act like it’s a little adventure. They’ll be like, [turns to side and speaks in a feminine voice] “Should we get a plate of fries for the table? [looks side to side] Should we do it? Should we-should we share some fries? [nods] [returns to normal demeanor and turns toward audience] They gotta make sure that everyone’s onboard with it, it’s like [outstretches arm to gesture to imaginary table and returns to feminine voice] “If I get fries, you’ll have a couple, right? If I get fries for the table, you’ll have — [bats hand at imaginary person and speaks playfully] I know you’ll have fries if I get fries — should we do it? Yeah, let’s be bad! C’mon, let’s do it, all right, [looks up and behind as though speaking to a waiter, speaks with confidence] we’re gonna take a plate of fries!” [return to usual demanor] It’s like a group of couples agreeing to do ecstasy together. [audience laughter] I have a girlfriend now, uh, myself, which is weird because I’m probably gay based on the way I act and behave and… [audience laughs] have walked and talked for 28 years. [light audience laughter] [shrugs] I think I was supposed to be gay. I think, like, in Heaven they built, like, three quarters of a gay person and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just [gestures pushing something] sent me out and it was like, [turns to one side] “You marked that one gay, right?” and it was like, [turns to other side with shocked low voice] “Oh no! Was I supposed to?” [audience laughs] and they were like, [slightly lower and frazzled voice, looking side to side] “Oh man, well this’ll be a very interesting person. [audience laughs] [lighthearted playful voice] This’ll be a very silly person.” [audience laughter] I was definitely gay when I was a little boy. [light audience laughter] A lot of little boys are gay. You know, they’re very [sways arms and legs] flowy and they have [chops air with hand] very hard opinions on things. [audience laughs] I don’t mean that I was a sexually active gay man when I was a little boy, that’s not what I mean. When I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man [slowly and gently tosses hand in front of him] that’s kind of over it sexually, you know. I was just like an old queen, I would just come out of the recess yard and be like, [closes eyes and dramatically sweeps arm to the side, speaking in a high slightly drawled voice] “Everyone get outta my way, [audience laughs] I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.” [audience laughter] The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball and I’d be like, [narrows eyes and speaks with a slight drawl] “You want me to do whaaaat?” [turns head and chuckles] [audience laughs] Real quick, this happened pretty recently, I was in a restaurant near here in the West Village and I was at the urinal [gestures in front of him as though there were a urinal] and an old gay man came in the bathroom with a walker like this [squats slightly and pretends to have a walker] and he said this to me, he went, [closes eyes and leans back slightly, speaking in a high voice with a New York accent] “I’m either having a drink or I have to pee, you’re livin’ the golden years, kid, not me,” [stands up straight with amazed expression] like, he spoke in rhymes, it was crazy. [audience laughs] It was such a weird interaction that I wasn’t sure if it actually happened. I came out of the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend, I was like, [points behind him with a confused expression] “Did you see, like, an old man follow me in the bathroom?” and she was like [looks down slightly and speaks with a slightly higher voice] “John, [looks up and turns head suddenly] that bathroom’s been closed for forty years! [audience laughs] [John shakes head up and down to make his voice fluctuate] Whooooooaaaa!!! Whoooooooaaaaaa!!!! [audience laughter] Where was I? I’m not gay, but I might be, and I have a girlfriend, aaand she’s a female person. [chuckles] [audience laughs] It’s going very well, I love her very much, and so a few months ago she was like, [moves hand in a circular motion and speaks deadpan] “Okay, it’s going well, so now I should meet your parents.” Because that what people do when a relationship is going well. They meet each other’s parents, and I’ve never understood that. I’ve never been with my girlfriend and thought like, [slow suggestive voice] “Oh, honey, tonight is going great, but do you know what would make it perfect? [audience laughs] Charles and Ellen Mulaney. [audience laughter] Come on! [chuckles] Let’s get them in the mix. We’ve been going pretty hot and heavy lately, I think it’s time we bring in two older Catholic people.” [audience laughs] My girlfriend’s a female and I had all these friends that were female. So when I started dating her I was like “oh great, they’ll all get along… no.” Not even a little at the beginning. I don’t want to make any generalizations about women because I don’t know shit about women, but if there is one thing I’ve learned in my personal experience is that I think women can be friends with each other, (In a hesitant tone) but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you force women to hang out with each other. I think that sometimes doesn’t work. Like, I don’t think that you could ever put together a heist with women. Does that make sense? Oceans eleven with women would never work! Cause’ two would keep breaking off and start talking shit about the other nine. Or not even talk shit, just say weird passive aggressive things while they break into the casino.(Pretending to break into a safe with a stethoscope) Just be like: “aww, I love how you just wear anything.” (Audience Chuckles) My girlfriend is wonderful though. I listen to everything my girlfriend says. I don’t mean she bosses me around, I just listen to everything she says because before I had a girlfriend, I never had someone whose always standing next to me (Steps to the side and acts as if someone is currently standing next to him) who can just point out obvious things that are happening. Like we’ll be in a restaurant and my girlfriend will be like: “you ordered your food an hour ago. It should be here by now” and I’m like “yeahhh it should!” It’s like having a lawyer for everyday life. She’ll be like: “the bus driver shouldn’t talk to you in that way” and I’m like: “no he shouldn’t!” (As he waves his arms around as if in confidence). Before I had a girlfriend, I had no standard of how I should be treated as a human being. You could do anything to me and I was just like a young Motown singer. I was like shiny and dumb and easy to trick. I’m like (in a Motown/black accent): “aww man, you’re gonna give me a whole hundred dollas for all of my songs? Where do I sign Mr. Berry Gordy?”And now when I’m not with my girlfriend you can still do anything to me. I can tolerate any treatment. Like I try to travel alone sometimes you know and I’ll put up with anything. Like ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. You know I don’t want to name any actual airline so lets just make one up and so lets just call it delta airlines. So I’ve got my ticket at “Delta Airlines”(Does air quotes) and I show up at the airport. “Can I get on the plane now please (figuratively hands ticket to fake person)?” And their like (In a maniacal irritated tone): “NO! ITS BEEN DELAYED 9 HOURS! (Spits)” and I go (Like a child) “Okayyy” and I go to the bathroom. Then I come out of the bathroom and I go(Like a child): “any updates?” and they go (In a maniacal irritated tone): “yeah, we took off while you were in the bathroom. BECAUSE WE HATE YOU. Now take this meal voucher that doesn’t work, GO! FETCH! (As if he pretends to throw a stick for a dog playing fetch).” And I go (Like a child): “Okayyyyy” and I go over to the Wolfgang puck express and am like(Like a child): “Can I have a sandwich please?” and they go (In a maniacal irritated tone): “NOOOOOOOOO!” and I go(Like a child): “Okayyyyyy” and they go(Like a bully at school): “You’re a little fat girl aren’t you?” and I go(Like a child): “noooo! Noooo!” and they go (Like a bully): “Say it!’ and I go (Like a child): “I’m a little fat girl.” And then I go over to the Delta help desk, which is an oxymoron and I go(Like a child): “Can I please go home on an airplane?” and they go(In a maniacal irritated tone): “Nooooo! In fact, we’re gonna frame you for murder! And you’re gonna go to jail for 30 years!” and I go(Like a child): “Why are you doing this to me?” and they go (In a maniacal irritated tone): “Because we’re Delta Airlines: life is a fucking nightmare!” But with my girlfriend she would be like: “Let’s see if Southwest has any flights?” So it’s better… (Audience laughs and claps lightly) My girlfriend is a Jewish woman, which is I did on purpose. (Audience laughs) Uhhhh, that sounded creepy. I don’t mean like: “ahhh I got one!”(Pretending to grab someone) I mean I… I… I’m not Jewish, but I’ve always liked Jewish people. I just like them a lot. And I really like dating Jewish women. They’re great! Because I think what a lot of people have in relationships is communication cause guys don’t know what women are thinking. And with Jewish women you don’t have to guess what they are thinking. They will tell you. Yeah, this is going to get playfully anti-Semitic so just allow it to go there. I’ll get in trouble, you won’t. I really do mean this though I… I really admire that Jewish people, in my own personal experience, have, are very up front with their feelings. They’re very… they’re very vocal about their thoughts and feelings and I just think that’s really admirable. You know, I’m Irish, and Irish people wont tell you a thing. Irish people keep it so bottled up you know? Like the thing with Irish people is: “I’ll just keep all my emotions right here(Points to heart) and then one day, I’ll die.” Like in Ireland it’s like(In Irish tone): “oh your boy, he died.” And it’s like(In Irish tone): “Alright bury the boy, do it bury the boy. Burry the boyyyyy.” (Audience laughs) Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. Its like a turtleneck made out of “Brillo” pads. I used to date gentile women and… (Pauses)… (Audience laughs)… I dated this girl she used to stare out the window all day long and I’m like, what’s wrong (In a sarcastic playful tone)? And she’d be like: “you wouldn’t even understand if I told you.” (In a pissed off tone) What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?!? (Audience laughs) My Jewish girlfriend and I don’t have to guess what’s wrong! She comes in the room and…(stutters) and then we can move on from there. That’s what I mean. She’s very focused. She’s very in the moment, you know. And that’s a good thing in a significant other. She’s very present. Jews don’t daydream, (In a playful tone) ‘cause folks are after ‘em and they gotta stay sharp, you know what I mean? They have to be there. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt. They just stay sharp. They go (frantically speaking and pointing): “Who’s that? Who are you? What’s that? What’s that over there? Don’t do that!” (Audience Laughs) “I’m Irish… I keep things very bottled up, and I don’t drink. Which is not what you’re supposed to do when you’re Irish. I don’t drink. I used to drink and then I drank too much and I had to stop. That surprises a lot of audiences because I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. (Audience laughs, Mulaney imitates sitting in a chair eating) I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here. But I did, I used to drink a lot and then I stopped. I don’t know if anyone here is thinking about quitting drinking but you need to know 2 things if you’re thinking of quitting drinking. The first is that when you stop drinking and you still go to parties where people are drinking, they will have no idea what to offer you. Like once people start drinking for the night, they forget everything that isn’t alcohol. Like ill show up at a party and they’ll be like: “(acting as if to point) Hey everybody! Alright we got Coronas in the fridge and Oh! Hey! Mulaney! Would you like, like an old turnip we found in the cabinet? Would that be good for you? Would you like that? (His eyes are now wide open). I know you don’t drink (winking, audience laughs). Or my girlfriend left a Nuva Ring in the fridge, would you want that? (winking) I know you don’t drink!” (Pauses) Also if you quit drinking you’re about to lose the greatest excuse in your life, which is (As if talking to a girl):“I’m really sorry about last night. I was just too drunk…” That is a get out of jail free card that you don’t even realize you’ve had until you lose it. I can’t say that anymore. I can never be like: “Sorry about last night, I was just so drunk.” Now I have to be like(As if to a girl again): “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud, (pauses) it probably will happen again.” (Audience laughs) Now I, myself — I quit drinking ‘cause I used to drink too much and then I would black out and I would “ruin parties”… or so I’m told. (Audience laughs) When you do that enough, you black out drinking and you do crazy things, you kind of become like Michael Jackson. Like any story anyone says about you might be true and (Acting mysterious) even you don’t know by the end. I saw an interview with Michael Jackson before he died and they were like(Like a reporter): “Is it true you bought the elephant man’s bones? And he was like(Pretending to be Michael Jackson): “I don’t know!” Ya know, cause how could he keep track of that? (Audience lightly laughs) So I would hear stories about myself. Here’s a story I once heard about me. I guess I was 20 and I was at a party at someone’s house and I had blacked out drinking, and someone came out of one of the rooms at this party holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it, and they said, “Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?” And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it (pretending to drink a bottle), “ and said (pretending to throw the bottle behind his head): “It’s perfume.” And it was. Another story I heard about myself — this one happened in high school. Uh, We had this teacher in high school whose kid went to our high school. His name was Mr. McNamara and his son Jake McNamara went to our high school. He was a sophomore when I was a senior. So he was two years behind me. And Mr. McNamara was an asshole. And one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town, which you should never do IF YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE! (Audience laughs) And Jake McNamara decided to throw a party at the teacher’s house. (Sarcastic) Hooray! And everyone around town heard about it and we all got up individually and thought(Speaking maniacally), “Okay, let’s go over there and destroy the place.” I walked into this party. Everyone I had even met was at this party, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. (Audience laughs) People were drinking like it was the civil war and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off. (Audience laughs)It was totally unsupervised; we were like dogs without horses… we were running wild. I walked down (pauses) I walked down to the basement, they had a pool table in the basement. One dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half. Another kid found out which room was Mr. McNamara’s and went upstairs and took a shit ON HIS COMPUTER! (Audience laughs) So the party was going great (sarcastically). I’m standing in the basement, and I’m holding a red cup you’ve seen in movies. And I’m standing there and I’m holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said like “something something police.” and in a brilliant moment of word association, I YELLED “FUCK DA POLICE! FUCK DA POLICE!” (In a drunken accent, Audience laughs). And everyone else joined in, 100… drunk… white… children yelling “Fuck da police” with the confidence of guys who have already been to jail and aren’t afraid of it anymore. (Audience Laughs)You know, like the: “I served my nickel! You come and take me!” confidence, but white children. (Audience laughs) The reason someone had said “something something police” was because the police were there. So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers YELLING: “FUCK THE POLICE” In his face. He was almost impressed. He was like [whispering] “WOW.” And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and my friend john, who is now a father — this man now has a baby — (Imitating the action)he grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground and yelled: “SCATTER!!” And everyone ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in “Ratatouille” when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways. (Audience laughs as Mulaney acts frantic)We all ran in different directions, I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on the washing machine and I crawled out through a window into the backyard and now I’m running through the backyard and there was this big chain link fence and I thought I’ve never climbed a fence that high before. And then I woke up at home (pauses, audience laughs). On Monday, I went to school, cause that’s what we did back then. (Audience laughs) And I’m walking into the school building and who do I see but Jake McNamara. And he says to me “hey, were you at my party on Saturday?” and I was like: “No” you know, like a liar (Maniacally, then pauses). And he said things really got out of hand: “Someone broke the pool table, someone took a shit on my dad’s computer, But the worst thing” he says — “the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother and my parents are freaking out about it.” and I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have (pauses, audience laughs and claps while he says): “Did I do that?” I figured no, I would never do that. I was never sure until two years later (audience in shock) … relax. I’m playing video games with this kid named Alex that we also went to high school with. Two years later, we’ve graduated by now. We’re playing video games for a couple hours, and then Alex says to me(in a hushed tone), “Hey, come here. I want to show you something.” And he takes me into his bedroom and then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom. Never a good thing to have. (Laughing) (Mulaney is in a hushed voice even worse than before) And he shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from different people’s parties over the years. (Audience laughs) And I said: “Why? Why do you do this?” and Alex said “Cause it’s the one thing you can’t replace.” (Long pause, Audience is laughing hard now) That’s the end of that story but how fucked up is that? That’s crazy! (audience laughs more and claps) So I don’t drink anymore… and its weird you know? I miss it sometimes because drinking can kind of calm your nerves and I live in New York now and sometimes you can see things that will make you anxious you’ll see troubling things out on the street. I was coming into my apartment building one night and I saw in front of my building a wheel chair, knocked in its side with no one in it. (audience laughs but almost in confusion) That’s a bad thing to see. Something happened there… you hope it was a miracle… but probably not… probably something worse. (audience laughs) And I don’t like argument, some people like to argue, you know? They think it’s like an art. And I don’t like it, I think its because really ordinary arguments can get really dramatic really quickly. Like I was talking to a friend recently, and I told him I didn’t think I believed in the death penalty, and my friend said to me: “oh, so you’re telling me, that if you saw Hitler… walking down the street… you wouldn’t kill him?” (Audience chuckles) That wasn’t what I was telling you, but alright, lets talk about this entirely new topic. What would I do if I saw (giggling) Adolph Hitler (acting out a walking motion) just walking down the street? Well first off I wanted to know what did my friend mean? Did he mean I see a guy in like the military outfit with the little moustache, cause then I would assume that’s someone dressed up as Hitler. (Audience laughs) I’m not gonna kill that guy. I’m not gonna kill an actor and ruin Indiana Jones 5 just cause I don’t understand costumes. Or does he mean I’m walking down the street and I see like an old old man who I think might be Hitler based on my memory of what Hitler looks like. I’m not gonna kill that guy either, because I am often wrong. Id murder him and people would be like: “Woah! You just killed an old old man! (Acting it out)” and Id be like: “he looked like Hitler!” and they’re like: “Yeah, a little…” (Audience laughs and claps) I have a lot of strange interactions on the street. Years ago, I was walking down the street and a homeless guy came up to me. And he walked up to me he pushed me like that (as he acts out a pushing motion), he pushed me in the chest. And then he said these things in this order. He pushed me and he said (in a strange accent): “Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have aids, I’m new in town.” (Mulaney looks confused as the audience cracks up) You’re gonna close with “New in town?” that is not the most dramatic thing you just said. As they said in the movie Jerry McGuire: “You had me at AIDS.” Here’s how I would’ve ordered those things, I would’ve said: “Excuse me, I’m new in town, and it gets worse.” Didn’t that guy practice his like pitch at all in the mirror that morning and just figure out what he was gonna say? Ya know in the morning ya know just be like (He then imitates what this gay man would be doing in the mirror): “Alright now what am I gonna do today, what am I gonna do tonight? Imma walk up and say hello, no that’s too subtle imam push him. Imma push him. And I’m gonna say I’m new in town, no no hold back hold back. Save it. Build to that. I’m about to walk up to him, imma push him and go I HAVE AIDSSSS, no that’s too strong… alright. (Cracking himself up as he does this) imam walk up to him, push him and start with the fact that I am homeless, as that is a given. Then for back story I will pepper in the fact that I am gay.” (Audience laughs) Which I know its tough for gay youth on the street, but that’s not like a reason for money. You cant be like, hey would you help me out I’m very gay? (audience laughs) Like a few dollars… I always love how he phrased it by the way. He never mentioned living on the street, he said I’m new in town, like it was intriguing. Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody. Like I have a friend whose like: “There’s no single guys (‘guys’ in New York accent) left in Manhattan.” And I’m like: “I know someone whose new in town.” (Pretends to be his friend now)“What are 3 other things about him?” (Audience claps and cheers) Just too anxious for a lot of things, I get nervous all the time, not even about like major life things, just about like everyday situations. Like this is my regular speaking voice, but if I’m in a pubic bathroom and someone knocks too suddenly on the door or stall door, I go into a whole different speaking voice. Which is “Eh, someone’s in hereee. Someone’s in hereee. (In a strange almost British accent)” so they’re gonna be like: “I think there is a carnival barker in there. I think someone’s trying to drum up business for a carnival.” I decided to do something about this anxiety recently. I decided I was gonna try and get a Xanax prescription. I don’t know if anyone here has ever tried Xanax, but its fantastic (a few claps) very muted claps for Xanax. You don’t really get woos, its more like yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I didn’t know how to get a Xanax prescription though, drugs like that a tricky sometimes, but I talked to a friend of mine and he said oh yeah, I did this. He said that he had a regular doctor’s appointment and at the end of it he said to his doctor: “Hey doctor, sometimes I get nervous on airplanes.” And the doctor just wrote him a Xanax prescription. And I’m like yeah, that’s the type of lowbrow shit I’m looking for. Ill take your advice, friend I’ve never listened to before. (Audience laughs) So I go to a clinic, and I go in and I’m just going to go in for you know a regular type of check up and at the end, I’ll ask about Xanax. So I get to the front desk, and they have a “why are you here sheet.” And I wanna pick something that will get me out really quickly. And I look down and I see frequent urination. And I was like, perfect that’ll be a super quick visit you know? Ill just be like hey, sometimes I pee a lot and the doctor would be like (Mulaney pretending to be the doctor): “Me too, crazy right?!?” And I’ll be like: “I get nervous on airplanes.” (Audience laughs) So I checked off frequent urination and I sat down in the waiting area and I waited for 3 hours. I finally go back to the observation room and oh! In the observation room there was a male nurse standing there and he has a Batman sticker on his stethoscope, a Batman necklace and a Batman watch. He was kind of moving around the whole time, he was just like: (acting this out) “alright! I am too blessed to be stressed! Lets do it! What are you allergic to, besides work?” and then he’d take something and throw it over his shoulder and be like: “Beats working.” And all of his jokes were anti work, which is not always what you want from a health care professional. (Audience laughs) The doctor comes in the room and the doctor looks at my chart and he says: “Oh, you’re here for frequent urination, how many times a day are you urinating?” And I tried to think of a number that would warrant a doctor visit. So I said 11.(Audience is shocked)That was too many times to say. The doctor looked at me and said: “You’re peeing 11 time a day? Then you may have something wrong with your prostate. So, what we need to do…” Some of you are ahead of me (addressing audiences laughter). So I don’t know exactly how he phrased it, but the gist of it was: “Hey, if this visit was to continue, I’m going to stick part of my hand up your ass. And I didn’t know what to say. Cause I couldn’t be like: “No that’s okay, I was lying. It was a lie… to get drugs. You know? Like a crime!” (Audience laughs) So what I did was, I pulled down my pants, walked over to the observation table and I put my hand on the observation table like this (puts hand on stool) and by the way, part of me was like: “Whatever… you know? You ever have those days where you’re like: “This might as well happen. (Pauses) Adult life is already so God damn weird.” (Audience laughs) So I’m bent over like this on the table, and the doctor comes up behind me and says “ no no no, not on your hands, your elbows” and he knocks me down like that (putting elbows on the stool now). And this is so much worse than this (gets back to his hands). I don’t know why, I think its cause this has a little remaining dignity to it, you know what I mean? (Audience laughs) This is sort of like, go stick it in, I am an American. This is like you’re leaning over the edge of a cruise ship and you’re like: “ahhh we’re approaching Martinique!” he knocked me down to my elbows and then, he stuck his hand in. and you know how sometimes you’re like, I bet I know what most things feel like ya know? You just think you’ll know? I did not know, what this was gonna feel like. And this was the actual sound I made, I went: “ooooooohhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm.” (Audience laughs and claps) But I didn’t say it, like it came from my vocal chords but it was totally involuntary. It was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly and finally flew out towards the light. And then, when he pulled his hand out, we had gotten to know each other pretty well, so ill phrase this a delicately as a can. I didn’t not realize than when the doctor pulls his hand out it feels like your shitting cause the only thing to come out of your butt before has been shit. (Audience laughs) So, he pulls his hand out and I thought I was shitting into his hand. So I yelled: “I’M SORRYY! This is a very routine procedure by the way for most doctors. And so far he’s had to deal with “OHHHHHMMMM” and “I’M SORRYY!” (Audience laughs) And he didn’t even let me off the hook you know? He wasn’t like: “Oh don’t worry, you didn’t shit into my hand.” He just threw his glove away and went(As if enraged)“Ahhhwahhhahwa.” And I was about to ask about Xanax but he was like: “Alright your prostate’s fine but we still need to do a blood test.” So I pulled up my pants and shuffled away, (Acting this out) feeling different. And he yells out into the hall, he goes: “Hey! We’re doing a blood test in here. Get in here!” Batman dances back in and he’s like: “(pretending to dance) Alright, we gonna do a blood test. You look different, let’s do it.” The doctor left the room, so I’m alone with Batman. I just need this blood test to be over. But first I had to tell Batman something, I was like “Batman look, I’m one of those people who, when you take blood from me, sometimes I can faint. And I was in the waiting area for 3 hours and I haven’t eaten anything all day and I’m really worried I’m gonna faint.” And Batman said to me, and ill never forget it: “pshh, you’re not gonna faint!” So, I stick my arm out, Batman puts the needle in my arm, and I’m immediately on the ground. (Audience ‘dies’ laughing) I wake up and I am covered in sweat lying on the observation table. I wake up, I open my eyes and I see Batman’s face. He’s looking at me and he goes: “you gotta go!” and I go: “Can I please talk to the doctor though for a sec because sometimes, I get nervous on airplanes.” And Batman said: “the doctor’s gone!” so I got my stuff… and I left. The moral of the story is… that if you’ve been nervous your entire life, you should ask your doctor about Xanax because if you lie to him, he will stick his finger in your ass. And if you do suffer from frequent urination, keep it to yourself. I went to that clinic 2 years later for a different checkup and as I was leaving, who do I run into but Batman. And he smiled at me and he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed. Thanks very much for listening to me, my name is John Mulaney. You were really fun, thank you. (Walks around the auditorium as a joke, sits in a chair and applauds himself. Says thank you again, then leaves.) (The intro music for the 90’s like sitcom plays again as the special ends and rolls its final credits) (End)

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NORM MACDONALD: ONE NIGHT STAND (1991) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/norm-macdonald-one-night-stand-1991/

Transcribed by Brian Soule I BIT MY TONGUE Well, good to see ya- good crowd here. How ya doing tonight, ya alright? (Crowd cheers) Good stuff, there. Well, I’m doing alright, too. I, uh, not much of a day for me- I, uh, I bit my tongue today, that was about all. You ever do that? Man, that hurts, eh? Still hurts. It’s very embarrassing, biting your tongue, y’know? You just be walking down the street, minding your own business, y’know- (singing) “Doodly-do, doodly-do- doodly-HO!” Then everybody’s looking at you (over there), y’know? And you’re ashamed, y’know? You feel ashamed that you bit your tongue. People go, “Hey, what’s the matter with you there?” You go, “Oh! (weak laugh) A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. My uncle’s sick. Yeah, I didn’t bite my tongue, if that’s what you think.” I’m surprised I don’t bite my tongue all the time, actually, y’know, ’cause I’ve got so many teeth, y’know? I’ve got fifty, a hundred teeth, something like that- and, uh- they’re all right around my tongue there, y’know? They don’t get out much. CAUGHT SMOKING AS A KID Ah, I quit smoking- that’s good for your teeth, man. Ya ever try that? Holy cow, is that tough, huh? I smoked ever since I was a kid, I always remember smoking, y’know? One time I remember, I was a little kid, I was like eight-years-old, and I was behind my garage. I was sneaking a cigarette back there, and my dad caught me- I’ll never forget it. His big head came around the corner of the garage. There it was- my dad’s big head, and then his body right after it- there was his body. Trailing his head, as it often would. And he grabbed me, and he hauled me in, and I thought I was in for the strapping of my life, y’know? What he did is, he pulled out this giant cigar. Must have been half the size of my arm, this big cigar. Stuck it in my mouth, lit it up, made me smoke it. All the way through- right to the end. That’s when I started smoking cigars real heavy. That plan backfired on him. Then there was another time I remember, now that I’m thinking about it. I was behind the garage again, as luck would have it, and, uh, this time I was smoking a big, fat joint back there. And, uh, (weakly) heh, heh- “don’t do drugs”- ha ha ha ha, and, uh, my dad’s big head showed up again! And- with no body this time, just a big head. That was the funny part. He liked to mix it up like that, y’know? So anyways, he grabbed me there with his teeth and he hauled me in and, uh- I thought I was in for the strapping of my life, y’know? But, uh- he injected me with heroin. So he was a strict man, I’ll tell you that. TOUGH OLD CODGERS But, you gotta quit smoking, that’s all I know, man- ya gotta quit. It’s not all I know, I know other things, too, but, uh. It’d be kind of a wasted life if that’s all I combed out of it there. But, uh, you gotta quit smoking, because otherwise, you get old and then unhealthy, y’know? You see a lot of that, y’know? Though some guys don’t. Ya ever see those old guys, doesn’t matter what the hell they do to themselves, they just grow old anyway, y’know? Meet a guy- he’d be the oldest bastard you ever met, y’know? (He) just does everything wrong, y’know? (Old man’s voice) “Every day, I smoke four packs of cigarettes, I drink a bottle of Jack Daniels, and I hit myself in the head with a shovel, every goddam day. I’d like to die- God, I’d love to die. One time, I put a shotgun in my mouth, blew the whole goddam back of my head off, there. Just a slight ringing in the ears. I can’t die.” BUYING AN ENGAGEMENT RING I think my girlfriend wants to get married or something, y’know? She’s dropping hints now all the time, y’know- I think she wants to get. Last week, she got a one-year subscription to, uh, “Bride” magazine, y’know? And, uh, I renewed it for another five years. Man- them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot, boy. I was looking at (’em). Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y’know- three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways. And, uh- you can get cheap ones, too. I saw one ring- twenty bucks, there. An engagement ring, y’know? But, uh- what the hell ya gonna do with that, huh? Y’know? You go, “Here ya go, honey- I- I love you a little bit. I’d get down on my knees, but it seems kinda stupid for twenty bucks.” I don’t mind spending a lot of money, but a ring- hey, that’s a kind of a pointless thing there, y’know? I dunno- I think I’m gonna get my girlfriend a nice engagement stereo, y’know? That’s right. SHOPPING FOR A NEW PET I went to buy a dog- I couldn’t believe how much these dogs cost. (The) salesman in the store, trying to sell me the most expensive dog in the store, y’know? Big six hundred dollar dog, this big pit bull, six hundred bucks, y’know? And I was looking to pay, y’know, maybe, uh, a buck, something like that, y’know maybe- two bucks, something like that, y’know? But I was going, “Hey! Don’t ya got a bargain dog around the joint here? You got any kinda “dog-of-the-week” going on this week, or a big bin of dogs, maybe, that I could pull something outta there?” But this guy goes, “No!” He says, “Why don’t you buy this pit bull?” He says, “This’s (a kinda) expensive dog,” but he goes, “This will protect your valuables, this dog.” Y’know? And- y’know, I don’t have anything very valuable, y’know? I don’t own a lot of stuff, there, y’know? I- I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own, right? I’d have to buy something to protect it, then, y’know? I’d be out shopping for wolverines the next day, there. “Show me something in a timber wolf, my good man,” I’d being saying to some good man there. No, you don’t want a dog like that, man. I- I want a dog to do things for me, y’know? Fetch my slippers, that’s the joy of having a dog, y’know? Pit bull won’t do that stuff, you go, “Hey, pit bull- fetch my slippers!” Pit bull’d go, “Hey! I could kill you, pal. I’m a pit bull! Don’t you read the papers or anything? I- I kill, that’s how. I don’t fetch! I fetch people, that’s all I fetch. I could fetch you a guy, that’s the best I could do there, and, uh- maybe he’ll be wearing some slippers. How’d that be?” FALL OF THE DOBERMAN PINSCHER When I was young, no such thing as a pit bull. When I was a kid, it was the, uh- the meanest dog around- the doberman (pronounces it “dober-man”) dog, y’know? And, uh- they’d kill you, too. They’d rip your throat out just the same, y’know? But not fast like a pit bull, eh? A doberman’d always give you a little headstart there, y’know? They were a sportin’ dog, them dobermen. They’d see you in the street, they’d go, “Hey, that your house over there? Ah, go ahead.” Then they’d soar through the air and rip your throat out, and do a flip, y’know? And, uh- you’d be impressed, even though you’re dead, y’know? (You’d go,) “Man, look at that flip, there.” But, I don’t know why, you don’t see dobermans around anymore. You ever notice that? Pit bulls now, they got all the work and everything. All the domestic security jobs go to the pit bulls. Man, the doberman’s like the forgotten dog now, y’know? Once in a while, you see ’em on a park bench with a Frisbee there, y’know? (As dog) “I used to be somebody! I’m a dober-man! Got a buck? A buck for the doberman?” So I don’t get any of those killer dogs, y’know? I always buy a dog- when I’m buying a dog, I think to myself, I go, “Hey, if this dog goes berserk, could I take him?” BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE But, the hell with dogs. I’m gonna get to be a big guy and just defend myself, y’know? I’m gonna be- I’m gonna work out. That’s what I’m gonna start doing, y’know? I haven’t worked out for uh, forever. I never worked out. Good God, has it been that long? Ever? But I gotta start, y’know, because, uh- man! (Alright then.) I used to be in good shape. When I was younger, that’s when I was in good shape, y’know? Back when- I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh- one. Man, you should’ve seen me back then, when I was one. Oh God, I looked good- young and fresh! You wouldn’t know me now if you’d seen me when I was one, y’know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, “What are you, zero?” And I’d go, “No, I’m one over here!” They’d go, “Man, you don’t look a day past zero- I’m not bullshittin’ ya there. (Ya) look good.” And I go, “Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate it, but, uh- I’m one!” WEIRD SPORTS ON THE TV So, you gotta stay in shape, and I watch the TV- watched a lot of sports on the TV. Everything on the- any sport at all, y’know? I don’t care, y’know? And some of those sports are not even sports. y’know? Ya ever see those sports on the TV, where they just try to take two different sports and combine them together- make up a new sport? Y’know, and they don’t even work together, y’know? Like, (a) guy’ll run a hundred-yard-dash and then– fish. I saw this one- cliffdiving. There’s a weird sport, eh? A guy diving off a cliff there, and they’re trying to pass it off as a sport, y’know? It’s like, uh- attempted suicide pretty well, eh? Next week, I saw in the TV Guide, they got, uh- “washing down quaaludes with wood alcohol.” Can you believe that? How about that for a sport, eh? THOUGHTS ON CLIFF DIVING It’s tough to know who’s better in cliff diving, either. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, “Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff!” And then another guy’d dive- “Oh, there’s another guy diving off a cliff there.” But you can’t tell who’s better, y’know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you’re a great- you’re a- you’re a great cliff diver there. There’s only two classifications in cliffdiving there. There’s, uh- “Grand Champion” and then, uh- “Stuff On a Rock.” Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I’ll tell you that. It takes a lot of dedication there. THE DATING GAME I love the TV, though. Anything on the TV at all. I watch game shows- ya ever watch them? You ever see that game show “The Dating Game”? That’s the oddest game show I ever saw, that show, y’know? They got no prize on the show, they just give you, like, uh- another contestant, that’s your prize. Just pair you off, no budget at all on the show, y’know? And they always do the same thing on the show; they get a beautiful girl (and) match her up with three giant geeks there, y’know? Last week they had a guy on, it was like a crazy guy-loony bin. Kind of a psycho-wingnut, y’know? You can tell by (the way) they introduce him: “Bachelor Number Two is a shadowy, lurking character. From no fixed address, please welcome — he’s just a guy!” A menacing figure shambles into the studio there, y’know? Then they make the girls, y’know, ask those questions there. They’d always be about sex, y’know? Always thinly disguised sex, y’know? Never direct, y’know, insertion or anything, but it was always something about, y’know. Like the girl would go, “Bachelor Number Two, if I were a popsicle, what would you do to me? What would you do to me if I were a popsicle? That’s what it says on the card here.” So he goes, “Oh, if you were a popsicle, eh? Well, first of all, I guess I’d, uh- take your wrapper off- if you know what I mean! And then, I’d, uh- grab ahold of your sticks- if you know what I mean! And then I’d press you against the counter ’til you broke in two!” PLIGHT OF THE BACKSEAT PASSENGER Well, it’s good to be here, man. I came down here, I got a dri — I got a lift down here. We drove down, me and my two buddies there, and, uh. Four hours it took us to drive down here and, uh- I was in the back seat all the way. Ever be in the back seat for a long trip? Aw, man, does that stink or what? Man! What a rough place that is! And when there’s only three of you in the car, y’know, and you’re in the back seat, y’know, you know you’re not the most popular guy in the car there. (You’ve) got no dignity back there at all, y’know? Didn’t even have a door for me, just one of those two-door cars. Only had doors for the front seat guys. I didn’t have a door at all. I had to bum a door off one of the guys to get out of the car. Man, (it’s) lonely back there. You wanna be in the front seat, that’s where you wanna be, eh? Right beside the driver- that’s the place. Second-in-command there. You get to look at a map and everything and check out the tapes out of the box and all that stuff. You go, “Hey, man, the driver dies, I’ll be the driver!” You’ve got responsibility there, y’know? Back seat, man, you’re just cargo back there, y’know, just, nothing back there. You can’t talk to them, y’know? You’ve got that class barrier- front seat/back seat thing there. You can’t- you can’t smash through that, y’know? You ever try, you just stick your head into the front seat? You’re, “Hi! What are you guys talking about? It’s me from the back seat! (dejectedly) Okay, I’ll go back there, now.” Well, after a couple of three hours on the highway, you get so lonely in the back seat, y’know? After a while, you start trying to make contact with other people in other back seats along the way there. You ever do that? Look out your little excuse for a window there, “I’m back seat people, too, over here. We must band together. I have some literature for you to look at there if you want.” (It) could be a cow on the back of a flat-bed truck there, “Hello, there!” It’s livestock, but it noticed me there. You really tell how they care about you in the back seat by the fucking seatbelt they give you, eh? It’s just right here, no shoulder strap or nothing, just — Same seatbelts they banned from the front seat back in the Fifties. They said, “Man, we can’t have these in the front seat, we’ll throw them in the back seat! We’ll give you shoulder straps up here, and air bags and, on impact, uh- a medic will jump out of your glove compartment there. You’re good up here!” (They) even got a headrest for you, y’know- so your head doesn’t hurt or anything, y’know? Man! You be in the back seat, eh? That headrest just be like a face smasher to you, y’know? Just grimly mocking you for the whole trip there. (Your) head’d go into that like an over-ripe cantaloupe there. Just “splash!” TRYING TO RE-DREAM A DREAM Ah, the only way you can escape is to sleep, y’know? That’s the only thing you can do in the back seat. Sleep and perchance to dream. I love sleeping, eh? Don’t you like to sleep? Oh, it’s the best, man. You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh? So then you fall asleep, try to re-dream it? Man, that never works out there. You always end up with some weird mutation of your original dream there, y’know? Well, the other night, I was dreaming, y’know? I was in a pool with Christie Brinkley, and we were approaching each other, me and Christie Brinkley in a pool, and we were just about to touch, and I woke up. So then I fell asleep, tried to re-dream it there. Ended up shooting pool with David Brinkley. That wasn’t very much fun there, I’ll tell you that much. A LOTTERY TICKET IS A TERRIBLE GIFT Well, I’m looking for gifts. You ever get a, uh- you ever get a bad gift? Y’know? Last Christmas, man, I got the worst gift a guy ever give me. He gave me a lottery ticket. You ever get that for a gift? Man, what a stinkin’ gift that is, huh? You know, what’s a guy even thinking there, right? (He goes) “Here you go. Nothing! Merry Christmas! It’s nothing! From me to you- not anything!” You know, unless it wins, then it’s something. But let’s face it- if you give a guy a lottery ticket, you know, you don’t want it to win. What kind of fucking nightmare would that be, y’know? Imagine that, you get a call a week after Christmas there? (You) go, “Hey, Fred. What’s happening there? Yeah, I remember that ticket I give you. Fourteen million bucks, eh? (Anguished laughter) Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha aha ha ha (voice cracking) Good for you, Fred, yeah. No, I’m happy over here, no, I. Listen- what’d you get me again there, Fred, I- I can’t remember what you got me, I- I know I got you the fourteen million, but I can’t. I can’t remember for the life of- Oh, yeah- the cup! Yeah, I remember now. Yes, thanks for asking, I’m enjoying the cup there. I, uh- had some tea out of it the other day there, and, uh- some coffee, I’m hoping to have some soup there and, uh. Guess (there’s) no chance of that cup skyrocketing in value at all, eh? No, I guess that’s the sensible you. Well, I gotta go now, Fred. I gotta go apply a shard of glass to my throat. Okay, goodbye.” GIFTS FOR MY DOG But, I gotta buy for my dog, now, I gotta buy gifts for him, y’know? And, uh- man, he has a birthday, like, seven times a fucking year, too, y’know? So I’m always out shopping for him there. Man, you don’t know what to get a dog, eh? Very hard to buy for a dog, y’know? What the hell’re you gonna get him, y’know? You wanna get him something he wouldn’t ordinarily get for himself, y’know, but that’s, that’s just strewn garbage, that’s all he ever gets for himself! I got him a rubber bone, I thought he’d like that, y’know? Dog gets it and goes, “Oh, great! A bone! Ah, yeah- it’s not a bone. A million laughs, pal.” I LIE A LOT (The) dog doesn’t really talk, by the way. I know my dog talks in a lot of my little jokes there, but, uh- I’m just lying there. He’s a regular dog, y’know. I lie like that sometimes. You ever lie? Who the hell doesn’t lie, eh? Ya gotta lie, but, uh- You ever lie for no reason? That’s the worst kind of lie, eh? You know? ‘Cause usually, there’s a reason you lie, like you want to protect somebody’s feelings, or, y’know, fuck over your buddy, or something like that. But you ever- just a big lie spills out of your evil head all of a sudden, you don’t even know? You know, like a guy’ll come up to you and go, “Hey! You ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and the horse?” And then you go, “Yes.” And in the back of your head, you go, “What the fuck am I lying about over here? I- I stand to gain nothing by this lie. What the hell am I thinking back here in my head?” “IT’S ME BOB!” Lot of bad people, man. Lot of bad — I was reading this one guy, in the paper, y’know? Baddest guy I ever read about. This guy killed his family- if you can believe this, folks- killed his family because the devil told him to. Can you believe that? Man! What a dork, eh? That was the headline, actually: “What A Dork!” “Guy Kills His Family Because the Devil Told Him To.” But can you imagine that, and then afterwards, you go back to the devil, y’know, you go, “Yes, Devil! I did as you instructed- I- I slaughtered my family as they lay sleeping, and then I chopped ’em up and put ’em in a duffel bag. Here they are, I got ’em here in the duffel bag. I’ll be burying them tonight at the shallow grave by the side of the railroad track, as you have commanded, O Lord Host of the Hoary Netherworld.” And then the devil pulls off a mask, “It’s me! Bob!” Then you go, “Oh, Bob!! (sheepishly) Jeez- you got me there, Bob, you got me. Is my face red or what over here? I got my family in a duffel bag! That’s one for you there, Bobby Boy!” Okay, listen folks, you’ve been great. Thanks a lot, eh? Enjoy. (Cheers) Originally published here

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NEAL BRENNAN: 3 MICS (2017)- FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/neal-brennan-3-mics-2017-full-transcript/

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Neal Brennan. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. I’m vegan, but I’m a hypocrite about it. Like, I wear leather and I eat meat. [audience laughing] The Internet is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, except every adventure ends with me masturbating. The Little League World Series, or, as pedophiles call it, the World Series. Good to be here. We’re shooting for Netflix. Yeah. Here’s why I like Netflix, because Netflix… You get a rating on Netflix, one through five, but you know the person giving the rating is a certain class of person who can afford eight dollars a month. Or at least knows someone who can afford… Yeah, whereas… Which, a lot of these sites, like YouTube, you got people giving thumbs up, thumbs down, that are just not qualified. Because I was on YouTube… Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. ♪ Dun-dun-dun-duh Dun-dun-dun-duh ♪ The most famous song of all time. Ten thousand dislikes! On YouTube. I’m not kidding. That many people are, like, “Your music stinks, bro!” And I know music… I’m from Tampa. “Thumbs down!” You guys seem young. Who’s under 25? A round of applause. Under 25. [cheering] Yeah, you guys are dorks. Let me explain why. You’re the first generation ever to have fewer sexual partners than their parents, you fucking dorks. And your parents grew up in the middle of AIDS and were still, like, “Fuck it, I can’t be stopped.” You’re dorks. Your drug of choice was Adderall. You know what that means? You did drugs to get better at school. You fucking dorks. You’re not having sex because you’re too busy online trying to get likes. You know how your parents got likes? By fucking people. Yeah. They’d fuck somebody. They’d be, like, “Do you like me?” “Yeah, I like you.” “Great, I just got a like.” If they told someone about you, and you had sex with that person, that was a retweet. If you’re under 25, you’re probably in school or just got out of school. Student loan debt is fucking awful. How many people have student loan debt, by a round of applause? [cheers and applause] That’s so many people. College makes me insane. The fact that they charge one price at one college and another price at another college is so dumb. It’s not like you’re getting better facts, you know? It’s not like a community college history class, they’re gonna be, like, “Well, the Revolutionary War started immediately after the Boston Tea Party. At these prices, that’s all the information we’re willing to give you.” Yeah, I was lucky enough to have dropped out. Because I realized early on that these student loans are basically small business loans, and the business is you, and you’re maybe not such a great business. If they called them small business loans, no 18-year-old kid would ever get the loan. It’s a bad idea for a business. If you had to go to the bank, to the small business desk, and ask, “I’m gonna need $150,000.” They’d be, like, “What’s your business idea?” “Here’s the idea: For the next four years,” I’m going to get black-out drunk. But also… “I’m gonna get a degree in Sociology.” [cheers and applause] They’d be, like, “Get the fuck out of our bank.” You’re, like, “I will, but I did have a way to pay you guys back.” I was gonna give you $80 a month for the next 240 years.” If you’re under 25, you’ve grown up in a world of constant scandal. Because of the Internet and technology, everything’s out on the street now. There’s a new scandal every three days. I like the sports ones. The last decade’s been crazy. Oscar Pistorius, Tiger Woods, Donald Sterling. The one that got me the most, though, was Lance Armstrong. Here’s the thing: They’ve made some good documentaries about him. There’s one on Netflix called Stop at Nothing. Going into the movie, I thought what we all thought about Armstrong… Maybe he’s a piece of garbage. But now that I’ve seen the movie, it’s more complicated. He won the Tour de France seven times on drugs every time, but because of that, he was able to raise $100 million for cancer research. Say what you want, but he figured out a way to do drugs for charity. Yeah. That must have been hard to resist, too. If someone came to me: “Neal, you can cure pediatric AIDS, but you’re gonna have to do a ton of cocaine”, I’d be, like… “Let’s help some kids, huh?” I’d be willing to do Molly as well, if it helps just one child. Actually, if it helps no children, I will do Molly. “Fuck it, if it harms one child…” Lance Armstrong was everywhere. Now he’s gone. I was talking to my buddy. He was, like, “We were hard on Armstrong because we don’t like cheaters.” I was, like, “No, because we don’t give a fuck about bicycling, that’s why.” If he played a good sport, he would’ve been fine. Baseball and football players cheat constantly. In fact, up until a couple years ago, if you were good at football, you could do crime, we were fine with it. Michael Vick, Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis tackled so many people, we were finally, like, “Ray, you get to murder one.” Because if we like you enough, we will figure out a way to justify whatever you did. Like LeBron James. At this point, LeBron could stab an old lady in public. Everybody would be, “We all talk about stabbing old ladies; LeBron had the guts to do it!” Yeah. “He’s a leader, do you understand me?” Michael Jordan could shoot up a shopping mall. Everybody would be, like, “He’s still got range from the outside.” There’s a new NFL scandal from a player three times a week. Most famously was the Ray Rice one, the guy who punched his girlfriend in the elevator. People are always surprised. You can’t be surprised. Football players are violent. First of all, their job, in and of itself, is attempted murder. Like, that’s their job. The football roster is two guys that can catch, two that can throw, kicker, punter, 40 murderers. Whenever I read, “Ray Rice punches girlfriend on elevator,” all I see is, “Football player does football at the wrong time.” It’s their whole life. They get trained from the time they’re little kids. “Go to practice. Do football. Go to the game. Do football. Be with your girlfriend. Do football.” “Shit. I wasn’t supposed to do football that time.” I was supposed to do elevator, and I did football. I better get her body out. I don’t want her mad at me. “Better get her flip-flop. I’ll never hear the end of that.” Went back for the flip-flop because he cares. A lot of these NFL guys get gun beef. I’m not a big gun guy. I was just in Colorado, a big gun state. I go there with my girlfriend, meet her father. Her dad’s into guns, carries a concealed weapon at all times, which makes sense, because he is in real estate. At a certain point, he pulls me aside and he’s showing me his guns, and he finally goes, “Do you got a gun at your place in L.A.” so you can protect my daughter?” I was, like, “Do I have a gun in my place? Dude, I don’t even have an umbrella.” I can’t protect your daughter from a light drizzle… “let alone an armed intruder. Your daughter’s in real danger.” Concealed weapon is one thing I don’t feel I could pull off. If I had a concealed weapon, that’s all I would think about all day. I’d go to Whole Foods, someone would cut me off, I’d be, like… “Am I about to smoke this motherfucker?” I’m pretty sure I’m about to smoke this motherfucker. Because otherwise, how will he learn… about the 12-items-or-less line… unless I fucking murder him? Guess we gotta have guns to protect ourselves from terror. ISIS has struck a few times in the States. One was near here, in San Bernardino, California. What bugged me about that one, the husband and wife team? The woman came to the States and was able to wait eight months before the attack. I got to say, I personally couldn’t have pulled it off. If ISIS sent me over here, I’d fall in love with American culture and then fuck the whole plan up, you know? They’d call me: “You’re gonna kill the infidel next week.” “Look, fellas, Game of Thrones just started back up.” We wait a few months. “I’ll gain weight, maybe bigger explosion. I’ll let you know.” They’d text me: “Go to the park. Kill everyone.” I’d text back: “LOL!” I’m in the park now, chasing Pikachus.” ISIS has gone after a rock club in Paris and a gay club in Orlando, but you know what kind of club they haven’t gone after? A hip-hop club. Yeah. They realize it’s not gonna go down the way they want. ISIS can try, but you’re gonna turn the news on and see a reporter in the parking lot: “The gunman reached into his jacket, yelled ‘Allahu Akbar, ‘” and was immediately punched in the face by a woman named Brianna… “who said, ‘Not tonight, honey. Tonight my birthday.'” [cheers and applause] So, I’m depressed, and not the way you normally hear that. Like, “I’m so depressed. Kobe retired.” I mean, I have clinical depression, the mood disorder. And I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. I don’t know if you know about me, but I’m the youngest of ten kids. I don’t know if you know much about math, or kids, but ten kids is too many kids. Also, my father was a violent alcoholic. He didn’t hit me that much, but he used to terrorize my brothers. My parents were old when I got here. I’m the youngest. So, they were in their forties when I got here. They were born in the 1930s. They were from the “We did the best we could” generation. If you criticized their parenting, they’d go, “We did the best we could.” I always felt, “Really? That was the best?” So, Dad, you’d get drunk, hit your kids, and think, “‘Now, this is me at my best.'” My father was also a narcissist. So, the entire mood of the house was dictated by him, and all the attention went his way. I think me and my brothers and sisters realized early on the best way to deal with him was to minimize our feelings as much as possible so as not to call attention to ourselves. But you do that long enough, and your feelings start to atrophy to the point that you’re incapable of having them. Two things I knew I could feel were ego and adrenaline, so I basically just set out to achieve a bunch of shit to give myself a surge of good feelings. Like, I got into NYU film school, which was a miracle at that time. I did so bad on my SATs. I ended up dropping out after six months, but that was a huge rush of adrenaline. Then I ended up at a comedy club… Not as a comedian, as a door guy, taking tickets and barking for people to get in. But I also started giving actual working comedians little tags for their act. “Hey, try saying this or try saying that.” And to see my jokes work onstage was a huge burst for me. Then I started getting real writing jobs. “Real” is a big word, but… I wrote for MTV’s Singled Out. You’re welcome. I wrote for All That on Nickelodeon. Yeah, applaud. [cheering] Yeah. Then, when I was 23, me and Dave Chappelle wrote Half Baked, so, at this point, my system of keeping myself afloat via accomplishments was working beautifully… until it stopped. After Half Baked, I started writing with a guy named Mike Schur. And he and I had sold a pitch, which should have made me feel great, and I remember hearing the news as I drove along, and I heard the news on my cell phone, and I just had tears coming down my face. I was, like, “I guess my plan of achievement isn’t cutting it anymore.” So, I knew I had to go to a psychiatrist and get antidepressants. So, I did. And the antidepressants worked, sort of. They definitely raised the floor on my mood, but none of these pills are panaceas. They just kind of lessened the symptoms. Depression to me has always felt like a virus that attacks your brain with negative thoughts. The medication staved off some of the thoughts, but a lot of them would break through and would leave a void in their wake. Like, to say I have low self-esteem is not true. I have no self-esteem. I don’t have the architecture for good feelings. You could give me a trophy, it will slide right down. I just don’t have the shelving. In fact, I used to have to carry around an index card of funny things I’d written or said or directed just to try to remind myself that I was okay. Depression feels like you’re wearing a weighted vest. I always felt like I was at a disadvantage mood- or energy-wise to my peers. It was never life-threatening, it was just life-dampening. And the medication could take weights out of the vest, but I still came across as either bored or cold or superior, none of which I wanted to come across as. Although, you know who always loved my attitude? Black dudes. Always. Yeah. They’d be, like, “Neal, man, you don’t give a fuck.” And I always wanted to say, “That’s because I’m sad.” I think black dudes appreciated how openly sad I was, because black dudes aren’t allowed to be sad in public. The only way a black dude can openly express sadness in public is if he does it with a saxophone. So, I think people with depression have the reputation for feeling sorry for themselves or they fell into a bad mood and were too lazy to get out of it. But, believe me, I’m not lazy, nor did I approach this lazily. Like, I went to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. If you don’t know the difference, congrats for having a great life. I became a vegan to feel better. I quit smoking to feel better. Every exercise plan there is, I tried to feel better. Meditation. I went on a seven-day silent meditation retreat. Medication. I’ve tried every medication they have. They all have side effects, whether it’s weight gain, weight loss, nausea, grogginess, memory loss… Which, for my job, is not good… And, worst of all, dick stuff. So, I’d been on antidepressants for 17 years, and finally I was, like, “I have to try something else.” So, I was so sick of the side effects, I was like, “I need to throw a Hail Mary.” Heard of this drug ketamine? If you know what ketamine is, it’s a horse tranquilizer that’s also a party drug, and they’ve started prescribing it for depression. I know it’s legit because I saw it on Reddit. So, I found a doctor that prescribes it. I went to his office. And I can’t explain to you how normal this doctor’s office was. A bunch of other people waiting for other doctors, fill out the form, old magazines. They call me back into his office, put an I.V. in my arm, drip ketamine into it, and I tripped my fucking face off. On a Tuesday afternoon in a doctor’s office, immobile, out, music festival level, not on this plane. Gone. And it lasted about 45 minutes, but the comedown was rough. When I came out of it, I felt like I just came out of surgery, which makes sense because it is an anesthetic. So, I decided not to do it again. Woke up the next day and felt better than I’d felt in months. I was, like, “Fuck, I’ve got to do it again.” Did it five more times in the next two weeks. But long-term, the side effects from ketamine were bad for me. I got nauseous for months, I was groggy for months. Worse than that, my eyes burned for four months straight. It was crazy. So, that didn’t work, for me. Then I heard about something called TMS. TMS is short for transcranial magnetic stimulation. All right, so, looked it up online. Go to a doctor’s office, and they put a contraption on your head, looks like kind of a halo, and they basically shoot magnetic beams into your brain, about an inch deep into your brain, to a certain area that stimulates growth and can alleviate depression, allegedly. I did that. That lasts about a half an hour. It just feels like tapping. Just feels like kind of a shitty woodpecker. You’re, like, “Okay, let’s wrap it up now.” And by the second treatment of that, I felt great. Something definitely lifted. The depression’s still with me, but not nearly as bad as it was. I ended up doing 45 half-hour sessions of TMS, which is a lot. And the reason I itemize it is because when you have any kind of mood disorder, it’s not provable to people. All I have to show you is my work. I had 45 half-hour sessions. It’s really aggravating when you have a mood thing. You can feel people’s suspicion. Imagine if you had a cold, and people were, like, “He doesn’t really have that cold. That stuffiness is a choice.” It’s really frustrating. It speaks to people’s ignorance about depression. I’m in the Big Brothers program, because I’m an angel that fell to earth. No, I actually joined because I heard volunteering releases endorphins, which I gotta say… eh. But the kid is great. So, one day, nine-year-old kid, we’re hanging out. He sees me take an antidepressant, put it in my mouth. He’s, like, “What’s that?” I was, like, “An antidepressant. I do it to make myself feel better…” and I’ve also shot ketamine into my veins.” You know when you forget to lie? You’re, like, “Oh, here’s everything.” “And I’ve shot magnetic pulses into my head, but only, like, 45 times for half an hour.” And he’s looking at me, and I can see his wheels are spinning. When a nine-year-old is ready to say something, you’re, like, “I have no idea which way this is going.” I don’t know if this is gonna be great or crazy.” But he goes, “You do all that stuff to try to feel better?” I go, “Yeah.” And he goes, “So you’re like a cucumber… “but you’re trying to turn yourself into a pickle.” I was like, “Yeah.” [cheers and applause] Women love the movie Pretty Woman, but they do not love it when you bring your new prostitute girlfriend to their birthday party. Getting a neck tattoo is people’s way of saying, “Yeah, minimum wage is fine for me.” One hundred percent of people who eat in that dining section of the grocery store are murderers. If I were black, I would stand in front of tanning salons all day and laugh at the customers. [cheers and applause] I grew up Catholic. Anybody else? [cheering] Still doing it? [man in audience] No. No? They never… Being Catholic’s like playing trombone. After 12th grade, you’re, like, “I don’t have to do that shit anymore.” The older I get, you know who I respect more and more? Muslims. What they believe feels foreign to us, but they’re committed to it. They’re, like, “God came to us a couple of thousand years ago”, had some simple rules: Pray five times a day, don’t eat ham, women gotta dress like ninjas. Those are the rules. Until we hear back, “we’re sticking with those rules.” Whereas Catholicism will change whenever. The new Pope is barely even Catholic. He is. And he’s trying to be, like, a cool stepdad about shit. “So, I understand drugs are called ‘Mollys’ now? I get it.” I feel the Pope just makes shit up. Last year they asked the Pope, “Can pets get into heaven?” And he thinks for a second, he goes… “Yeah.” “Fuck it, everybody gets a plus-one. I just decided.” At one point, they asked the Pope, “What do you think of gay marriage?” The Pope goes, “Who am I to judge gay people?” Dude… you’re the Pope! For the last thousand years, you’ve had two jobs: One, judging gay people, and two, covering up gay things that your coworkers are doing. Those are your jobs as the Pope. That, and dressing like an outer-space pimp… with an unlimited budget. He has red shoes and a clear car. That’s a pimp. I hang out with a lot of black dudes. White people are always, like, “What’s it like?” We don’t do anything crazy, we just eat and talk. I don’t have to rap. Here’s the shitty part about hanging with black dudes: Guys try to out-tough each other to see who had it worse growing up. I try to compete with my black friends, but they always beat me. They’ll be, like, “My fucking dad vanished on my sixth birthday.” I’m, like, “I can relate to that”, because my mother would often disappear into a good book.” Too close to call, am I right? Let’s play a game called “Sounds Racist, Isn’t Racist.” Ready? Such a horrible setup for a white person to give. No, here it is. “There have been a lot of good slave movies lately.” Sounds racist. I just enjoy them as movies. You guys think I think it’s a documentary. I get it. Here’s what I’ve learned hanging out with black dudes: When a new slave movie comes out, can’t be your idea as the white person to go see it. Can’t be, like, “Have I got a movie for us. Follow me.” “Hi, could I get 14 for Django, please? Thank you.” Slavery is such a big deal. It’s such a big deal. If I were black, I’d talk about it constantly. A lot of white people go, “Black people talk about slavery too much as it is.” First of all, if Italians went through slavery, they’d never shut the fuck up about it, you know that. You know it. And they’d all have some heroic story of escape. “Finally, my Uncle Fabrizio was, like, ‘Fuck this shit!'” And he punched the slave master. “And he walked from North Carolina straight to Jersey.” All right. I would talk about it constantly. Constantly. If I were black and waiting tables, I’d be, like, “Here’s your check. And don’t forget: Slavery.” If a cop said, “Know why I pulled you over?” I’d be, like, “To apologize for slavery?” Look, say what you want about cops, that’s an awful job. Everything is their responsibility. It’s all your responsibility. Traffic’s your responsibility. Burglary is your responsibility. Murder is your responsibility. We’re, like, “Solve the murder.” They’re, like, “Me?” We’re, like, “Yeah, you went to high school. Solve the murder.” That’s not even the worst part about being a cop. The worst part is that, at any point during the day, anyone you’re talking to might just break out running. And you have to chase them no matter what. “God damn it, I thought we were just talking about baseball.” I don’t know what you do for work. No way you’re chasing people down, like, “We’re gonna have this meeting whether you want to or not.” We signed out the conference room, motherfucker.” I don’t think white people have enough empathy for slavery. Here’s how I know that. When all that Confederate flag stuff was happening last year in South Carolina, people in Boston and New York were especially smug about it. I was, like, “I’m sure slavery was legal in the North at some point.” I went on Google to find out, and I saw how cold white people are. I typed in “Was slavery,” and the autofill said, “Really as bad as they say?” Swear to God. Yes. And to answer the question, yes, it was as bad as they say. How bad? Well, how about this: Slaves used to break into song just to get through it. That’s pretty bad. I’ve been in some awful situations, never came close to singing about it once. I’ve been at the airport, boarding a Southwest flight that’s three and a half hours late. All the restaurants are closed because it’s after eleven. My phone’s out of battery, but I’ve never looked around and been, like… [humming tune] ♪ Jesus, save me ♪ ♪ From boarding group C ♪ I don’t think people in the South understand the Confederate flag. People in the South on the same truck will have the Confederate flag and the American flag. “Do you not follow history much?” Having both flags on the same truck is like a woman having two tattoos. “What’s this one for?” She’s, like, “This one is to commemorate my love for my husband Steve.” “How about this one?” “This one commemorates the time I tried to escape from Steve.” “But he caught me. Now we’re making the best of a bad situation.” White people have a hard time communicating with people that are non-white on a corporate level, advertising level. Like, marketing. Like, the NBA has been trying to get more Latino fans. They were doing this thing… It’s so condescending… Where a couple of games a year, they change the names of the teams to Spanish names. So, the Lakers become Los Lakers. And the Heat become El Heat. First of all, shouldn’t it be El Calor? They’re, like, “Let’s ease into this.” Sounds like a white dude’s idea for how to trick a Latino. In his head, he’s, like, “Hector, want to go see the Heat play the Lakers?” “No, thanks.” “Hey, Hector, would you like to see El Heat play Los Lakers?” Hector’s gonna be, like, “Ay-yi-yi! How do I see this game?” I think I’ve figured out a way to end racism, by the way. Here’s how we do it: We just gotta end race. From here on out, we’re gonna have nothing but mixed babies. Listen to me. Listen to me. Mixed people will end racism because you can’t hate… what you don’t know what they are. We’re too separate. Black, white, Asian, Latin, Middle Eastern. We gotta spend more time together, and we gotta fuck our way out of racism. Who’s with me? Yes. Yes. It starts tonight, and I’m calling dibs on Asians. Look… I don’t like this any more than you do, believe me. I’m saying no more black, no more white. I’m talking about khaki. Khaki-colored people with Asian-yet-round eyes, nappy yet flowing hair. I want every man in America to look like those LMFAO “party rockin’ in the house tonight” dudes. And I want every woman to look like Bruno Mars, because she is a fine bitch. [cheers and applause] So, up until five years ago, I’d never been in love before, and then I met a woman, and we fell in love, and it was great. It was as good as advertised. And then she broke up with me. Yeah. And that was really painful. That shit was as bad as advertised. That shit hurt. Then a few months passed. I met another woman. She and I started falling in love. And I was, like, “It’s official: I’m a lover.” And then she broke up with me, like that. Yeah. That one destroyed me. I was beside myself blubbering. She and I were both in a 12-step program. She basically said, “You need to go to more 12-step meetings and get some more recovery, and maybe we can get back together.” So, I started going, and came to the conclusion, like, I shouldn’t date her. And the reason why is because she’s famous. Like, in the 12-step program, I had to do a lot of unflinching, honest writing about myself, and I came to the conclusion that I’m a star-fucker. Yeah. And I don’t mean I like to have sex with celebrities. I mean, I know a lot of famous people from work, but certain ones I become friends with, and I obsess about them and worry if they’re mad at me and why they haven’t texted me back in an hour or if they heard about that thing I said about them three years ago. Like, really childish, embarrassing shit. I think I’m a star-fucker for a few reasons. Number one would be the thing we already discussed, which is ego and adrenaline. Like, meeting Taylor Swift feels good. That’s why it’s the prize in radio contests. Yeah, and if I met a famous person and we were cool and spent the day together, and they liked me, that filled me up. There’s a movie called Devil’s Advocate… Which I’m betting you didn’t think I was gonna bring up… Where Al Pacino plays the devil. This is where Al Pacino finally just said, “I can’t play people.” “I can play archetypes or weather systems, but I can’t play people.” Al Pacino says to Keanu Reeves, “I’m just warming my hands off your fire.” That’s how it felt. I always felt I don’t have enough talent on my own. I need to warm my hands off of other people’s talent, you know? And people go, “That’s so lame of you. I act totally normal around celebrities.” Stop it. No one acts normal around celebrities. Celebrities don’t act normal around celebrities. Being near a celebrity is like driving next to a cop. You can pretend you’re acting normal. You’re performing normalcy. “Ten and two, officer. What do you know?” I also think I’m a star-fucker for professional safety. Like, if you Google me, most of the things that come up are things I’ve done with other people. Especially Dave. You want to talk about professional safety. There’s no position safer than being Dave Chappelle‘s comedy writing partner. Being on a writing team with Dave is like being on a basketball team with Michael Jordan. You just win more. And don’t get me wrong. I am Scottie Pippen. And not just because we have the same facial structure. So, I think the blubbering over the woman was the culmination of something I started ten years earlier… when Chappelle’s Show ended. By the way, if you don’t know much about Chappelle’s Show, it was a sketch show on Comedy Central. Me and Dave Chappelle made it together. We’d write it together, he’d star, I’d direct a lot of it. And imagine if you and your best friend would have a conversation and go, “We should do a sketch about this.” Then you’d make the sketch, and it would be the most popular shit week after week after week after week, to the point that it was weird. And then it was just over, like that. When that happened, I realized, “I gotta take better care of myself.” I gotta write for myself, do stand-up for myself, because I was basically just hiding behind Dave. So, that’s what I’ve been doing. But I might have fucked up. Because I was popular as a writer and director. As a comedian, I had to start from square one. I went from getting nominated for an Emmy for directing to signing up for open mics, which is not the way you’re supposed to do it. A buddy of mine calls me Benjamin Button. He says I’m doing my career backward. What was I supposed to do? That’s what my gut told me to do. My gut told me to write with Mike Schur, then to write Chappelle’s Show, and then it told me to do stand-up. You gotta follow your gut, right? Here’s the thing about guts, though. They’re wrong, like, 85% of the time. We only acknowledge the times they’re right, but they’re wrong 85%. You just have to hope they’re not catastrophically wrong. You can be in the middle of a bad marriage, a bad relationship, a bad business partnership, and not even know it. You can spend, like, a day, a month, a year… You can spend a decade on the wrong thing, and by the time you realize it, it’s too late. That shit is breathtaking. So, yeah, like, basically, the way Chappelle’s Show ended, I was forced out of hiding. I tried to hide behind the woman, and she kind of forced me out of hiding. Like, hiding kind of comes naturally to me. And there’s part of me that still loved to do it. I love to find someone to hide behind, but this is the right thing to do. Me doing stand-up by myself is the right thing to do. It’s just more honest, you know? I could find somebody to hide behind, but that would just be… fear and habit. So, yeah, like, I can’t hide. Like, I want to hide. I’m dying to hide. But, win or lose, I can’t. [cheers and applause] If we talk, and you have an accent, when you walk away, I will do a very disrespectful impression of your accent. If you’re a restaurant and you close at 9:00 p.m., you’re a lunch place, you bitch-ass motherfucker. I believe that there is a God and He hears our prayers and most of the time is, like, “Nah, fuck that.” When I orgasm, I yell out, “Worldstar.” [cheers and applause] So, people in your twenties, enjoy your twenties. It’s great. You’re so far from death. But dating in your twenties is the best part. You don’t know who you are, so you think anyone would be a good match for you. You end up saying, “You know what?” Maybe I’m supposed to be with someone who’s bipolar. I don’t know. I don’t care that she burnt my stuff and punched my dog in the face. “She’s Latina. They’re fiery.” Yeah, in your twenties, you don’t know anything, and then, in your thirties, women, you start to get smarter. Men kind of stay dumb. Women, here’s something men don’t realize about you. Fellas, every woman in here is settling. Yeah. They’re all settling. Because girls have huge egos. Women think they have a shot with every guy on earth. Women will be, like, “If I meet Ryan Gosling and I wear my blue dress…” [giggles] Trust, trust. So, women have these big egos. You have this guy in mind you think you deserve, but you get lonely and have to settle. Women will be, like, “I want a guy who’s tall, broad shoulders, and I want him to be cute, rich, thoughtful, romantic.” And then the world’s, like, “How about five-seven, broke, super into college football.” Girls are, like, “That’s fine.” Is he on his way now? I can’t eat alone again. “I literally cannot eat alone.” Yeah, my girl is Asian. Look, guys, I walk the walk. And… My girl’s Asian. I’ve dated Asian girls before. She doesn’t like that. She’s, like, “You’re just with me because I’m Asian?” “Yeah, clearly, that’s part of your appeal.” She doesn’t like that. Here’s the thing: “You’re not allowed to like women for the reason you like them.” If your girl’s got big boobs and says, “What do you like about me?” You can’t say, “I like your big boobs.” You cannot say that. You have to like her for some little character reason. Even though I’ve never heard a woman describe another woman by her character. I’ve never heard a woman be, like, “You have to meet my friend Jill.” Twenty-eight, from Arizona, brave. You’ll know her when she gets here by her bravery. “You really can’t miss her.” She’s gonna come rappelling down from the ceiling. Those are all the little strikes against women. Strikes against women are little. You have big egos or whatever. The strikes against men are, like, “Creep. Just lecherous creep.” Like, we’re sexually harassing women on the street. Did you see the video of the woman who walked around New York, got harassed the whole time? Different dudes, like, “What’s up, baby? Where you going?” Ten hours straight. She put the video online. My female friends see it. They’re, like, “That’s the bullshit we deal with on a daily basis.” My guy friends, on the other hand, were baffled. “Wait a minute. When I see a hot girl now, I’m not supposed to say anything?” “Yeah, don’t say anything.” “Then these girls better stop complaining about not being able to find a good man.” As if good men are out harassing women. Like Bill Gates and George Clooney are standing on the corner: “Damn, Ma, your titty game is bananas. Shit!” “Butt cheeks on swole.” Yeah, that same guy was, like, “A lot of those guys on that tape were being nice.” Stop it. No, they weren’t. No guy yelling at a girl is being nice. It’s always sexual, always about her boobs or her butt. Never about her personality. I’ve never seen a guy on the street: “Damn, baby, you look like you got leadership skills. Shit!” You an active listener, Ma? You an active listener? “Straight up, you seem punctual.” Also, I never know what guys think is gonna happen. Do you think you’re discovering her? You’ll be, “Damn, baby, you fine as hell.” She’ll, be, like, “Me?” Plus, if she’s hot, she’s been hot since she was, like, 12, or whatever age you think I should have said. Yeah. Those are the big strikes against men. And women, you can be paranoid, overly suspicious. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had is always looking for proof that I don’t really love her. And you’re bad detectives, too, women. You read into things that are not there, draw conclusions that make no sense. One time, I took my girlfriend to dinner to a fancy restaurant. I forgot to pull the chair out for her at the table. She’s, like, “You’re not ready to be a father.” What? She was right, but how’d she know? Women, you think however we treat you in one scenario, that’s how we’ll treat you in every scenario. Because a couple of weeks ago, I’m watching TV with my girl. I absentmindedly get up, go to the kitchen, get some chips, come back, sit down. As my butt hits the couch, I realize I didn’t ask if she wanted anything. And I can feel the nuclear reactor starting. So, women, if you don’t feel safe or protected or thought of, your brains go to the worst-case scenario fucking immediately. Like, the darkest place. I go, “Why are you upset?” She goes, “You didn’t get me chips. What are you gonna do when there’s a fire?” A fire? How did we get to a fire from here? That’s how dumb and weird my girlfriend thinks I am. I’m gonna be in a house fire… Hot flames and falling beams. Be, like, “Oh, man, this is just like that time I went to get chips!” Yeah, so… And then, back to men… Just gigantic creeps. Women, you gotta understand, it’s not even really our fault. It’s testosterone. It’s a creepy hormone. It’s got nothing but bad ideas all day. Women have estrogen. The worst thing estrogen suggests is, “Let’s get some wine and go on Etsy.” Not that bad. Whereas testosterone, everything it wants is against the law. It is like having a prison inmate living inside you. He’s, like, “Let’s fucking do it, ese!” You’re, like, “Take it easy, man. It’s 7:30 in the morning.” “I don’t give a fuck, bro. I’ll be doing dips till you’re ready.” “All day, bro.” Yeah, men never say this, and I’ll say it right now: Having testosterone is legitimately scary. I hear horrifying stories from my girlfriend. You’re at a grocery store, some creepy dude will start following you. That’s scary, women. What’s also scary: Being a guy standing in a grocery store, having a woman walk past you, and then your brain goes, “Follow her!” “For how long?” “Until further notice. Say something romantic, like ‘her titty game bananas.'” Being an adult man is basically about controlling testosterone. Marriage, especially. The marriage vows are: “Do you promise to love, honor and cherish?” It should be, “Do you promise to not let your testosterone” try to fuck the babysitter?” We’re, like, “I do.” Meanwhile, testosterone’s like, “You can’t promise that, bro. I fuck babysitters. Straight up, I fuck babysitters.” Gold-diggers. Let’s talk about them. They exist. Not as much as you’d think. Yeah, you know how I know? I have a little bit of gold. And there has not been as much digging as I’d hoped. I gotta say, men assume there’s gonna be a gold-digging system in place. Everything we do is to impress women. Every accomplishment by men in history was to impress women. Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb. They were, like, “This is gonna change the world.” He was thinking, “And wait till these hos see it!” You think girls want a rich guy. They’d way rather have a cute guy. In their heads, they can make a cute guy rich, but you can’t make a rich guy cute. I’ll prove it to you. Mark Zuckerberg. That guy’s got $65 billion in the bank, but girls look at his face and go, “Not enough.” If you gave girls the option between Mark Zuckerberg at full strength and, say, Channing Tatum, with, like, a traumatic brain injury… women would still be, “I’ll go with Channing. I have flash cards. I can nurse him back to health.” Because you’re cute, women. So we chase you around. You’re cute, with your heads and your bodies. It’s creepy to separate the two, but they’re both cute. Women, your bodies are great, but make no sense from a design point of view. They make no sense. Big boobs, small waist, wide hips, big butts, then short legs, small feet. If you told an architect to build a woman, he’d be, like, “It’s not safe!” Meanwhile, testosterone would be, like, “Build that shit, bro.” “Fuckin’ build that shit, bro.” My girl’s a yoga instructor. Every guy says the same thing. “Yeah. Nice and flexible then, huh?” Meanwhile, flexibility has never been an issue in my entire dating life. I’ve never once been sleeping with a girl and been, like, “You can only open your legs 120 degrees?” Clearly, you’re not fucking at my level, baby. “You need to warm them hammies up and come back to me.” Guys say endlessly dumb shit about sex. It’s this constant drone of dumb shit about sex. Buddy of mine recently is, like, “There’s over 180 sexual positions.” Stop it. There’s, like, five sexual positions that we actually use. I know there’s more than five, but it’s like a Thai food restaurant. There’s a ton of shit on the menu, but you just get Pad Thai every time. Plus, the other positions are, like, “put your foot in the toilet.” Why would I do that? Let’s go through them. There’s missionary. People shit on missionary. Stop shitting on missionary. That’s a damn fine position. It is solid, it is reliable, it gets you where you need to go. Missionary is basically… Missionary is basically the Honda Civic of fucking. First in its class six years running. There’s reverse cowgirl, good for hitting her G-spot, breaking your penis. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Stay close, stay close, stay close. A position I like, but it also creeps me out, is where men are on top, women are on the bottom, and your legs are pushed far back so your knees are touching your shoulders. I call it the Samsonite. It looks like we’re trying to stuff you in a suitcase. “Get in that luggage!” I am putting you in the overhead compartment! I am a ventriloquist, you are my puppet, “and we have another show in 20 minutes!” Good luck not thinking of me next time you do that one. What’s the side one, where you’re facing the same way? [grunting] Spoons? Let’s call this garbage. This is a garbage-ass position. “Why are we fucking like we’re underneath the bed?” And then, finally, there’s… There’s doggy style. Here’s something you might not know about doggy style: Sometimes we’ll be back there and your legs are too close together, so you’re too high for us. We have to take your legs, pull them apart and lower you like a tripod. It’s the only time in adult life where you actually use geometry. You’re, like… Isosceles. [cheers and applause] So, back to my dad. I almost couldn’t get a one-man show license, unless I did a full monologue about my dad. Like I said, violent guy. Abusive. Volcanic temper. But he grew up in a really tough background. He was one of 13 kids born in the heart of the Depression to Irish immigrant parents. His twin died when he was six months old. Apparently, his parents put my dad up for adoption at some point. They just openly… A couple just came and took him for a test-drive, and brought him back. Like, that was the system. Needless to say, he wasn’t approaching emotional things with a full cup. I basically tried to stay away from him. That was my M.O. Like, I started work when I was 11, and then moved to New York when I was 17. And we basically just got into a pattern of me getting my hopes up and him kind of letting me down. No one wants a bad relationship with their father. He never understood, I wanted a relationship with him, so I would always try, you know, despite his behavior. Like, when Half Baked came out, it wasn’t well reviewed… And I’d say correctly. But my dad was such a narcissist that he was mad at me somehow, like I’d embarrassed him. You know, famously, Harry Truman, the president, when he was sitting president, his daughter did a play and got a bad review, and Truman wrote the reviewer a nasty note threatening to fight him… on White House stationery. Yeah, like, that’s the way you’re supposed to do it, whereas my dad would have written, “Read your review of Neal’s movie. Spot-on.” And when Chappelle’s Show got popular, he was interested again, but I was, like, “I don’t… Man, come on. Take a walk.” I don’t need you when things go well, I need you all the time.” Then he started to get sick, and everyone I knew that had had an ill parent was, like, “You gotta make it right with him. If you don’t, you’re gonna regret it.” So, I was like, “Okay.” I took it to heart, and I wrote him a long note, and I expressed all the things I was grateful to him for, and all the things that I was angry at him about, and sent it his way. And didn’t hear back for nine months, and then I got a voice mail where he goes, “Neal, it’s your dad. I never check that e-mail address”, and I just checked it, and I gotta say, I read your note. “Pretty fair.” I was like, “Okay, cool.” So, he’s gonna take responsibility for his behavior. “That’s great. This could really help.” So, we started talking. And we actually got along really well. Like, we had rapport. We’d read the same books and felt the same way about things, and I was definitely his son. It was cool. Then his health took a turn for the worse, and my sister was, like, “You should really come to Chicago and say good-bye, potentially.” So, I went to Chicago, and I was hopeful, you know? When you have a parent like that, it really fractures the whole family. So, I went there hopeful. He’s taking responsibility for his behavior, and hopefully we can all coalesce around him. So, I go to his hospital room, and within five minutes of sitting there, he’s trying to get me to trash two of my brothers. I was, like, “Why did I think this guy was gonna be any different?” This is just who he is.” And I spent the day with him that day, and then I went back the next day and the day after that, and on the fourth day, I got a phone call from my sister. She goes, “Hey, Neal, did you tell Dad you didn’t want to be in his will?” I was, like, “Let me guess… I’m not in it?” She’s, like, “You’re not in it, but he wants to change it.” Come talk to him about it.” So, I go down there and I talk to him, and he goes, “Neal, do you remember telling me to take my money and shove it up my ass?” And I was, like, “I remember the sentiment. I don’t think I would have said it in such a hacky, 1970s way.” Basically, when he came around during Chappelle’s Show, he was always lording money over my brothers and sisters and their kids, and whether he was gonna help them with school or not. He was manipulative about it. I was, like, “I’m not playing your game. Stop with that money talk.” And he took it to heart… and wrote me out of his will. And we sat in his hospital room in silence. And I could tell he wanted me to grovel for it. I finally said, “Dad, I’d rather you put me in your will than not.” Just… I don’t want to have to beg.” And he fell asleep. He didn’t answer. And… I had to leave town. I had a job to do in New York, that I had to go to for, like, three days. I was gonna try to make it back, but it was that hard, end-of-life thing for someone where I don’t know if I’m gonna make it back. Or if I should just quit. I didn’t know what to do. “All right, I’ll just try to make it back.” But I knew this might be the last time I would see him, so… it was hard to know how to be… affectionate with a guy I hadn’t been affectionate with in 30 years, so… I just, like, kissed my hand and put it on his forehead and just, like, empathized with a dying man, you know? And on my way out, I saw my sister. She’s, like, “Just so you know, he wants to put you in the will.” There’s a lawyer coming tomorrow. It’s gonna be taken care of.” I was, like, “Okay, cool.” So, I went to New York, and two days later, he died, so I didn’t get to see him again. The funeral was gonna be the next week, and I didn’t want to go, because, like I said, the family doesn’t all get along, and I felt I had done the difficult part. I’d gone to my father’s deathbed and tried to make it right with him. I didn’t want to participate in the theater of a funeral. But, through various levers of guilt, I ended up going. It was tense and awkward. I stayed for a while, and then left town. And the next week, I got an e-mail on my phone, and it said, “The will of Daniel J. Brennan.” I was, like, “I guess I’ll open it.” Which, by the way, isn’t in the commercials. It’s not like, “Listen to music. Take selfies. Open wills.” So, I opened it on the street in New York, and I’m scrolling down, and it says, like, “My son Joe gets one-tenth. My daughter Sheila gets one-tenth.” Then it got to me… and it said, “My son Neal gets nothing.” Which still hurts, you know. I know you’re thinking, “Didn’t you just say you got a little bit of gold?” It wasn’t about that. If my dad was giving out blankets, I would have wanted a blanket. Just felt like a little flick to the back of the ear. “This is what your relationship with me was like,” and now it’s over, “and there’s nothing you can do.” There’s a silver lining to it. You’ve got to squint to see it, but I guess I choose to squint. When things had thawed between my father and I… I was talking to him one day and I go, “Dad, I feel like you didn’t love us.” And he’s, like, “Yeah, you’re right, I didn’t.” Which is a horrible thing to hear, but it also felt good. Because my whole life, I felt like I was insane. I’d say to people, “I don’t think my dad loves me.” They’d be, like, “Of course your dad loves you.” I’d be, like, “No, I’m pretty sure my dad doesn’t love me.” So, for him to just say it, point-blank, “I didn’t love you,” was both excruciating and liberating. Because it meant… I wasn’t crazy. And I tried to tell my brothers and sisters what he said, but a lot of them didn’t believe me, which I get. Who wants to think their dad doesn’t love them? The way I see it now… I feel like they all got money… but I got something I needed.. Which was… the truth. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Sometimes the world can feel like a room that’s filling up with water. And for me, to be able to think of a joke is like an air bubble. [inhales] And I can take the oxygen I get into my lungs and it can carry me forward. Things can be overwhelming and scary and hurtful, but thankfully my brain can descramble things… and form a joke. Like, just for one second, things slow down… and I can win. Like, I can beat life. It’s the best. And it’s so personal. And it’s something I’m so grateful for. Jokes. I got one more. How about I do it and we get out of here? Cool? [cheers and applause] I like how on cop cars, “To protect and serve” is in quotes, like they’re being sarcastic. [cheers and applause] [music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

AL MADRIGAL: WHY IS THE RABBIT CRYING? (2013) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/al-madrigal-why-is-the-rabbit-crying-2013-full-transcript/

[dog barks] [FisherGreen’s Sisters Brothers plays] II – Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Mr. Al Madrigal. [cheers and applause] II – What is happening? How you guys doing? Thanks for coming out. I really appreciate it. Hey. My name’s Al. I’ll tell you guys about myself. I live in Los Angeles, and near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall that I love to take the wife and the kids- and we got some dogs. We take them up there. But it’s also near a sketchy neighborhood, so there’s a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. It’s like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it. And at first, I got to tell ya, it’s scary ’cause you don’t really- you don’t expect to see gang members at the waterfall. And we actually witnessed this. This is a conversation that we overheard right when we got up there for the first time. We saw a gang member run up to another gang member with something in his hand. I was like, “Oh, my God. “My family is gonna watch somebody get stabbed creek-side.” The guy runs up and goes, “Hey. Check it out. It’s a tree frog, homes.” Happened. Then the other guy says, “How you know it’s a tree frog, bro?” “I found it by a tree, stupid.” And everyone in my family at the same moment went, “Best waterfall ever.” It’s nature-loving cholos. This is fantastic. And it is fantastic. I find myself watching the gang members appreciate nature more than I’m appreciating the nature. I like to imagine that they’re all up there on an organized retreat to get away from gang life, like a field trip that they signed up for to come together as a unit. They’re up there doing trust exercises. Like, “I’m gonna fall back. You gonna catch me, bro?” “I always catch you. I always catch you.” I also like to imagine that they’re up there to take care of the forest. This brown beret, conservation corps. A Smokey the Cholo, if you will. They graffitied the waterfall, which sucks. And it’s not nice graffiti either, because there’s good graffiti and then there’s bad graffiti. Like, it’s not some tasteful mural that’s been done to remember one of their fallen homeboys that died of Lyme disease. Airbrushed, “R.l.P. Carlos. There’s no ticks in heaven.” Just says, “Chucho.” And you’re giving me a funny look. They didn’t graffiti the actual waterfall. It’s like the dumbest gang members ever. “It’s not working.” No. So it just sort of proves that anytime you take a gang member out of their element and you put them anywhere, it’s automatically going to be funny. Cholos in space. Hilarious. “Hey, Houston. You got a problem, bro.” Sorry. Which leads me to my favorite character that I’ve met of all time. Cholo soccer dad. They’re everywhere. I didn’t-l had no idea. So we’re down in Los Angeles, and we take my son to his first practice of Mighty Mites football, five- and six-year-olds playing flag football. It’s adorable. When out of the corner of my eye- I’m there with the whole family- I see a Cholo coming straight for us. Everybody close your eyes and imagine your scariest Mexican gang member. That guy’s walking right for us. Now I’m using “cholo” a lot, and I’m not sure if anyone’s traveling or from out of town. A cholo is a Latino gentleman that you may have seen with white socks pulled all the way up, plaid shorts to meet the white socks, white T-shirt oversized, very similar to a Catholic schoolgirls uniform. It’s a lot scarier. I’m not sure if you’ve seen the movie Training Day with Denzel Washington. That’s cholo-heavy, all right? If you ever watch the Prison Channel, AKA Nat-Geo, there’s a lot of cholos in that. Think you’re going to tune in and see some pygmy titty. No, it’s MS-13 shanking people by the handball court. Maybe some neck tattoos, gold chain. I’m not sure if anybody wants to stand up and make this easier. Shaved head, mustache. See yourself a cholo. You’re not cholo-y. You’re, like, cholo adjacent. You’re like- I’m sure you’re friends with some cholos, but with a V-neck T-shirt like that, I’m not too worried. So… [laughs] He’s got a Caesar. I’m sure you know some, but I’m not-l don’t feel threatened. Anyway, guy’s coming right at us. Now, me and my wife have been together for about 12 years at this point, married almost about that long. Oh, yeah. Please, don’t clap. Don’t clap for her ass. Me and my wife are in sync. I know everything about this woman. I know her favorite everything. When we go to Target, we don’t shop. We run plays. Right? She knows exactly what I’m thinking, and she is right. I do think everyone in her family lacks ambition and will be a drain on us financially at some point. We have eye signals for stuff, hand signals for stuff. It’s incredible. For example, if my wife has too much to drink at a party, I don’t have to say anything. She starts yapping too much, I get to just go like this. Doo, doo, doo. Three little, discreet leg squeezes under the table. She knows that means, “Put a sock in it, drunkie. “Time for you to wrap it up. “Somebody didn’t have “dinner like I suggested. “Now you’re spouting off at the mouth, “divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down, or we got to go.” And she’s cool with it. That’s the best part. She’s like, “Was I talking too much? Thank you.” And it works for me. So I rub the back of my wife’s thumb. She knows that means, “Cholo, 3:00. Look alive.” He’s coming right at us, like I said. Lot of neck tattoos. I’m trying to decipher ’em on the fly. But I didn’t watch Prison Break or Oz. They all mean something, right? So I’m going, “Why is the rabbit crying? “What does that mean? He did something to a rabbit.” Me and my wife held each other for a little bit, thinking, “Okay, we had a good run, baby. Now we’re going to die.” The guy comes up. Turns out he’s our son’s coach. No shit. He goes, “Hey, everybody. My name’s Coach Frankie. But you can call me Rascal.” “See, honey? We’re not going to die. Coach Rascals here. It’s gonna be fine.” He then presents us with a snack list. When your child is in any sport, the team mom, or in this case, a very scary Mexican gang member, has prepared a document to determine what family is responsible for snack on any given game day. He’s laid his out perfectly in Microsoft Word tables. He left-justified all of his text. He didn’t go with a gothic-y cholo font like you’d expect him to. He used Arial, like we all should. He centered his header, he imported some clip art, and he was very proud of it, so we found ourselves-he- “I wrote a snack list.” “Check it out, my snack list.” So me and my wife found ourselves in that great couple moment where you’re holding hands trying not to laugh at somebody right in front of you, doing the Morse code hand squeeze, going, “Cholo made a snack list. Cholo made a snack list. “Don’t laugh at the cholo. Don’t laugh at the cholo. “Oh, my God. Cholo made a snack list. So proud of it.” Now, if you’re a young couple doing this for the first time, this snack thing, and you have kids in any sport, you want to go at the beginning of the season when expectations are low. You bring some Teddy Grahams, some Capri Suns, fruit, you brown bag it. Wanna go the extra mile? Freeze a Go-Gurt. They fucking love that. What happens is you wait too long, then in the middle of the season, some asshole with disposable income brings Happy Meals, ruins it for the rest of the families yet to go. Then by the end of the season, you’re forced to bring pizza, a DJ, and a stripper. And everybody’s still complaining. They’re like, “Are these songs fast to you? She seems older.” So he’s made a snack list. He’s also the worst coach ever, but you can’t do anything about it. He’s so intimidating. He actually said this to the kids. They’re five and six years old. When they get the football, they run in the wrong direction, they tackle each other. If there’s a dog, they chase the dog. They’re idiots. And he says- this is a quote, “You guys got to pay attention, or you’re gonna have bad dreams.” Which is not in the John Wooden coaching pyramid, I think. Leaving all the parents on the sideline going, “Did he just fucking say that? “Because I have a hard enough time “getting that guy to sleep as it is. I don’t need Coach Rascal giving him cholo night terrors.” Then my wife gives me one of these. You know this? You should know, yeah. A hand squeeze with a squint and a head nod, which means, “Get in there, asshole, and say something. Time for you to man up, or I’m gonna say something.” And there’s a counter-move to that. I squeezed her hand even a little bit harder, looked her in the eyes and said, “We’re not saying shit. “You let Coach Rascal conduct his business, “or we’re gonna find out why the rabbit’s crying, and I don’t wanna find out why the rabbit’s crying.” I don’t wanna find out. – Whoo! [cheers and applause] Not sure if anyone’s done this. Over the age of 35, I hurt my neck sleeping. You ever do that? I was dreaming of falling down the steps. Now, as a man, you have very few massage options. Option number one, I could trade one with my wife. Three minutes in, she’s gonna complain her hand is tired. Then I’m gonna owe her one. It’s a bad deal. Number two, the chair. You ever go to the mall? The uniformed Chinese guys want you to get in a chair, sit ass-out, Potsie-style, put your face in the doughnut that’s seen a thousand other faces. I’m a germaphobe. I’m gonna put it in there. It’s disgusting. Not to mention, it’s all open air. I got some fat kid eating a piece of Sbarro right next to me. It’s not relaxing. It’s not gonna work. Option number three, fancy place. Spa, real spa. I don’t have that kind of time. I don’t need to spend four hours in some cucumber water utopian environment. I don’t have the time. I want Jiffy Lube of neck fixing. I don’t want to go to some relaxation room where you got some menopausal hippie lady walking around with an open robe, some car crash of a vagina hanging out, you know, to give somebody a last look before they retire it for good. It’s gross. I don’t have the time or the stomach. Brings me to option number four. Strip mall massage. You guys know what I’m talking about. Huh? You especially know what I’m talking about. You know the strip mall too. A bunch of shitty businesses that got together to become roommates. Always a Quiznds, nail salon… Liberty Tax. They con some poor Mexican-American teenager to dress up like the Statue of Liberty out front. [cheers and applause] Be ashamed of themselves. Laundromat, cigarette wholesaler, karate studio… Thai massage. Every one of the businesses is owned by somebody of a different ethnicity. It’s like a giant stucco American dream catcher. So I got the neck I can barely move. I got a big show to do that night. You guys see how much movement l do onstage. It’s important for me to get that worked out. So I go to the Thai massage, first appointment of the day. You don’t want to show up at the end of a long shift because those places are shady, right? How do you know if it’s one of the shady places? First of all, it’s in the strip mall. And secondly, if it’s got the same hours as a Jack in the Box… it’s probably a Jack in the Box. So… I go in, first appointment. Nice Asian lady gives me the neck massage part, 40 bucks. I don’t know if it was Thai, but she gave it to me. Feels better. Now it’s time for her to ask me if I want the extra part. But she can’t say in the words she wants to because it’s illegal. So she whispers these words in my ear, “Do you want me to make banana cry?” Uh… [laughter applause] “No, I don’t want you to make banana cry. “But can you ask me again? Because that’s fucking hilarious.” I was thinking, “What did banana do to you?” Banana feels bad enough being in here in the first place. What a family-friendly way to ask somebody if they want a strip mall hand job. It’s not something you ever expect to hear. It’s something you expect to read from the transcripts of when Mr. Rogers is brought up on charges. The banana part we all get, right? The banana part we get. Crying, though? Rarely when I cry do all my tears shoot out at one time. “I’m so sad! I’m so sad! “I’m so sad. I’m so sorry. For your loss. I’m so sorry for your loss.” Crinkle up a sock. – Whoo! – “I’m so sorry.” ls anybody lonely out there? Clap if you’re lonely. Anybody want to admit it? [scattered applause] That’s a pretty good, solid clap. Because loneliness is underrated. You don’t realize what you have. Lonely people make the mistake of crying themselves to sleep at night. They go, “Oh, I wish I had a companion, someone to watch Criminal Minds with.” [blubbers] You don’t realize what you got. I love going on the road. I don’t want to tell my family this, but I love to go on the road and go on a nice, king-size bed, spread out. Because at home, any parent can tell you, you got some sweaty, little fucker, gets up at 2:00 in the morning ’cause they’re not properly sleep trained. So you wake up startled, you hear this pitter-patter of feet, shadow. You’re like, “What the fuck is that, Chucky?” My wife won’t let me have a gun in the house, so I got a marble egg in a tube sock. I’m like, “Who’s there? Identify yourself.” Hammer stashed under the couch for this imaginary fight sequence that’s never gonna go down. And you’re too tired to put up a fight, so you let him in bed with you. And an hour later, you wake up clipped on- they’re clipped on like the koala bear on your fourth grade pencil. Like, “Get the fuck off me.” And why are they so sweaty? Are they on drugs? Are they taking mollies down by the preschool, or is that just what happens when you properly hydrate yourself? And then I got to wake up at 6:30 in the morning every single morning, no matter what I’ve done the night before. You get to sleep in till whenever because nobody loves you, and I got to wake up at 6:30 every single morning because I have a cute, little girl or guy that comes inside of my bed and goes, “Daddy, wake up. Daddy, wake up. Daddy, wake up. Daddy, wake up. Apple Juice. Apple Juice. Apple Juice. Apple juice.” That’s not an alarm clock you can hit. There’s no snooze on a three-year-old. Then I got to go to a bouncy house party every Saturday or Sunday. You know what that is? Inflatable castle on some dickheads front lawn. All kinds of kids in there jumping around like coked-up young Republicans at a John Boehner warehouse party. “Aaah!” And I’m not sure what happens when my kids get in there, but something switches, and they start trying to take other kids out at any opportunity. It’s forearm shivers for everybody. It’s like an illegal cage fight for them. It’s like, “Welcome to the Octagon. Two babies enter, one baby leave.” Vietnamese baby starts smoking cigarettes and gambling outside, screaming, “Take him out! Take him out!” Little baby throws a rooster in just to make it interesting. But luckily, a bouncy house is like an alternate universe where pain doesn’t exist. They’re so happy to be in there. I saw the same little, shitty kid who’d cry if you looked at him funny, little sensitive boy, come shooting out of the bouncy house. He hit one of the bumps the wrong way and then came firing through the Velcro straps, circus cannon style. Just shoo! Mangles his ass on the driveway. And all the other dads are like, “Holy shit. Try not to react, so he doesn’t realize how jacked up he is.” And then, I swear to you, he just rose up, popped his shoulder back in like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon, mumbled some shit about whores and Jews, and went back into the bouncy house, jumping around. [cheers and applause] I have no privacy. You have privacy. You don’t realize, but, yes. It’s great. I have people tracking me at all times. I really do. I can’t go to the bathroom without people following me into the bathroom. It’s constant. A year ago, this really happened. My daughter’s 2 1/2 years old, and all I want to do- how I really want to unwind is that I want to go to the back bathroom, I want to sit there for 20 minutes until my leg goes numb with the sports page. It’s your body’s sign of, “Okay, that’s enough.” I’m gonna sit there and look at some stats, and that’s it. In peace. But I’m not allowed because they’ll find me. This happened. I had to Swiff. I pretended I was Swiffing to throw ’em off my trail. I was going to do some Swiffing, and then when no one was looking, I grabbed the sports page, and I snuck back into the back bathroom. And I went back there, and I sat down. 20 seconds in, my daughter with the sippy cup comes busting open the door like SWAT. She just stands there and then looks back like, “I found him. He’s over here. “He tried to throw us off with the Swiffer, but I got it. Another case solved.” Then she did something- she just stayed. She just stood there like this. ‘Cause she knew I couldn’t do anything about it. She’s very smart. And I go, “Get out of here. What are you doing? “This is Daddy’s privacy. “His private time in the bathroom. “Get out of here. This is gross. Get out of here.” And I’m not sure if anyone’s got a little girl, but they’re all kind of creepy. Look at something. Then I called for help. I go, “Honey! Honey! Honey- “Krystyn. Krystyn! Please help me! She won’t leave!” And there was no answer. So my daughter looked at me like, “No one can hear your cries. Just me and you.” Then, I’ll be honest, I tried to hit her with the paper a little bit. Nothing hard. Just a couple little, gentle swats, but she immediately contorted her body to stay an inch away like, “Ha, ha, ha.” And worked her ass around me, came around the side of me, and then got a quick look at my butt crack. And her first words in the bathroom are, “Hey, Daddy’s got a ‘gina.” Immediately I go from trying to get her out of the bathroom to defending my manhood to this two-year-old. “What are you talking about? Daddy doesn’t have a ‘gina. “Daddy’s a man. Get out of here. “Daddy’s a ‘gina-less man. “You get out of here. He’s a-‘gina. “Doing man stuff in the bathroom, “reading the sports page. Get out of here.” Finally I hit her with the paper pretty good. And in the scuffle, a towel fell, and then the door stayed open. I got her out. And she knew she got to me because she took an opportunity. She walked around and just in the crack of the door, you saw two little eyes appear with a Disney Princesses sippy cup. She just looked at me and started going, “Daddy’s got a ‘gina. Daddy’s got a ‘gina. “Daddy got a ‘gina. Daddy got a ‘gina. Daddy’s got a ‘gina.” Leaving me mumbling in the bathroom going, “Daddy doesn’t have a ‘gina. Daddy’s a man. “Get out of here. Daddy’s a ‘gina-less man.” And she must have left at some point because my wife popped her head in and goes, “What the fuck are you talking about? Daddy- I thought you were Swiffing.” “Where the hell were you? Daddy’s a man.” “Daddy’s a man.” [cheers and applause] They want to watch so much TV. And I don’t allow that much TV, which makes them want to watch it more. They can’t get enough of it. I’m trying to micromanage what they watch too. They watch the worst crap. It’s amazing how quickly a kid can take over your DirecTV controller, start DVRing their own shit. You’re like, “What is all this crap?” They watch- this is crazy. They watched Animal Planet, first of all. They watch that idiot the Turtle-man, Call of the Wildman. You see that show? You love him? Yeah. Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! If you don’t know this, it’s a guy in Kentucky that if you have a possum on your property that won’t go away, him and his buddy will come over and they’ll fight it, and then you don’t have to give him any money. You can just pay him in an apple fritter, and he’s thrilled. “It was a good day today. “We fought a possum, and he gave me an apple fritter, and I was, ‘Whoo-hoo!”‘ And my kids think it’s great, and they love the guy. I don’t like it at all. I don’t want my kids growing up thinking “turtle fighter compensated in doughnuts” is a viable career option. Is that wrong? Is that micromanaging? They also watch House Hunters International, which I hate. Don’t-no. You love that show? I hate it. It’s the worst dialogue of any-it’s like, “Yeah, I could really see myself showering in here.” Yeah, ’cause it’s a bathroom, lady, it’s a bathroom. My kids argue about it. That’s the worst thing. It’s like a three-year-old going, “Pick the second one. Pick the second one. “It’s got granite counter-tops and an open floor plan.” The fuck? They watch- and this is my bad. I recorded a show that I shouldn’t have recorded. It’s-l recorded Hardcore Pawn. You see that show? [audience members cheer] No, that is the worst show on television. Of course, cholo adjacent likes it. It really is bad. It’s the most racist show. The description for that show, if you clicked on info, should read, “Man in Detroit takes advantage of black people.” That should be the show. That’s the show. There’s a lot of racist stuff on TV that we’re not even looking at. First of all, we had some stuff grandfathered in that we’re surrounded by. Black people should be upset about Uncle Ben still being on the market, Cream of Wheat guy. We’re still pouring syrup out of slave head and Aunt Jemima. Let’s retire her ass. We’ll name it something else. It’ll be fine. But then for the Golden Corral people to come in and think they can just introduce racist ads to the market is not fucking cool. You guys know what I’m talking about? First of all, Golden Corral is a chain of bad buffet restaurants where- first of all, it’s named Corral. Have some respect for yourself. “Here, go and feed on them- they feed the animals. Here we go.” It’s like cut-up hot dogs. I don’t care if it’s golden. I’m not eating there. But the commercial put me over the top. If you don’t know the ad, it’s a white couple and a black couple on a double date. Have you seen it? No. And so the white lady is really annoying. She turns around to the black couple and goes, “We’re going to have such a great time at dinner. “We’re gonna go to a seafood restaurant, “and Chef Jason’s gonna be there, and then we’re gonna share a $20 appetizer.” And the black people hear, “$20 dollar appetizer,” and they look at each other like, “Fuck that shit.” And then they throw themselves out of the moving vehicle, risking their lives to- roll, dust their asses off, and show up at cheap-ass Golden Corral where they can eat all-you-can-eat tilapia, which in culinary circles is known as the rat of the sea. It’s not a well-thought-of fish. There’s so many questions. First of all, just like Facebook is lowering the value of what it means to have a friend, Golden Corral is lowering the standard severely for what it takes to jump out of a moving vehicle. It used to be brakes, all right’? Pump the brakes. “Aah!” You throw yourself out and barrel roll. Bomb about to detonate. Cliff. You throw yourself out, you climb up. “Ah, he’s still alive.” Maybe it’s a kidnapping, right? And that’s a possibility. Maybe these white people are so desperate to have black friends that they’ve taken these black people and kept ’em in their basement, and they haven’t fed ’em at all. And their first eating opportunity was Golden Corral, and they’re like, “Let’s go for it. Go! Go!” I don’t think that’s the case. My son said this, “Why didn’t they stop?” That’s an awkward moment as a parent where you’re like, “I don’t know. “I don’t know why they didn’t stop. “Why didn’t Golden Corral just put “a brake sound effect in there for us, like the white people gave a shit?” There should be brakes, and then the white people should run into Golden Corral after the black people and go, “What the fuck? “If you wanted to eat here, you could have just told us. “We were trying to take you someplace nice. “I didn’t know you wanted cotton candy as a dessert option. “What, are you gonna eat it with a knife and fork? I don’t understand.” But because of TV, they’ve started talking back, and I know this for a fact because I just did all the investigative work in the house. My son said, at six years old, “That’s how I roll.” I’ve never said that in my entire life. My wife has never said that. That’s one of the reasons I married her. My son says that. I said, “Where’d you hear that, buddy?” Turns out these two little douche bags from the Disney Channel, Zack and Cody, Suite Life on Deck. Two little twins who live on a cruise ship for some reason. I watch a couple episodes. They call, like, 13-year-old girls “baby,” stuff like that. Got the controller- never thought I’d be this guy- and I blocked it ’cause that’s how I roll. Shut it down. [cheers and applause] I really never thought I’d be the guy that’s gonna, “You wanna- I’m gonna shut it down.” But I did it. Then my daughter- I tell her- my adorable 3 1/2-year-old daughter, I tell her to do something, and she sticks her ass out at me and says, “Talk to the booty ’cause the hand’s off duty.” And I look at my wife like, “What the fuck is this?” Block another show. Then the last straw before I gave up-my son. We taught my son how to make his bed. He does shoddy work, but that’s not the point. So I say, “No more TV. You’ve got to go make your bed.” And he walks off all pissed off, and he turns back around and goes, “Watch out, Dad, or we’re gonna beat you when you’re old.” And I just went straight for the controller. I was like, “Okay, you want to play with me, huh? “You want me to block another show? “What show is that? What show is that?” And he got nervous. He knew he was busted. And he admitted, “it wasn’t a show. I just made it up.” And then immediately as a comedian, I got so proud because… it’s funny, it’s a legitimate threat, it implies he’s been keeping track of all this stuff, and he’s gonna take it out on me when I’m old and unable to defend myself in a retirement community somewhere asleep at night. And him and his sister are going to pop up out of nowhere, Full Metal Jacket my ass, like, “Aah!” [wails] “Remember Zack and Cody, motherfucker?” [wails] – Whoo! [cheers and applause] – I just got to watch what I say to the kids. You see, my wife has a master’s in education. She’s a reading and writing specialist. She’s read all the parenting books. And then she leaves, and it all goes out the window, and I say horrible things to the children. I was getting the kids ready because I was gonna go over to a comedian’s house for a barbecue. We all hang out. But she’s gone. So I get the little girl ready, but I make the mistake of sending my son to get himself ready. Any parent knows that’s a crapshoot. He’s gonna come out wearing a cape and a bathing suit like, “Let’s do this.” No. But sure enough, he comes out, but instead of the cape and the bathing suit, he got into the bottom of his drawers and closet. So he got old pants. He had floods, holes in both knees, old T-shirt. Two years old, so it doesn’t fit him anymore. There’s skin showing. So he comes out looking like this effeminate European drifter. “Hello, father. I’m ready for the barbecue. “I hope they have those little smokies there, and I will suck on them.” Like, it’s hard not to laugh. “No, you can’t wear that. What are you doing? Why don’t you wear the good clothes?” Then he got upset because he put a lot of thought into his ensemble. He goes, “Aw, these are my favorite pants. “I’m gonna wear ’em. I just found ’em. “You said get ready. “This is my favorite T-shirt, and I got ready. I’m gonna wear it.” And here’s me saying something stupid. I go, “Dude, you’re gonna be embarrassed.” And without missing a beat, he just steps to me a little bit. He goes, “I’m not gonna be embarrassed. They’re your friends.” [cheers and applause] Yeah, that’s pretty good. Sol made him wear the outfit, and it turns out we were both embarrassed. Taught a six-year-old shame, and I never told my wife about it. I do it all the time. l get- It just comes out. I say this horrible crap. l can’t- It’s what my dad did and his dad did before him. You know, it’s just a long history of saying terrible shit to kids, I’m sure. He said this to me, and it really, legitimately pissed me off. So I was trying- it was hard not to react. But he said, “Dad, when are we going to get the big house?” [audience groans] And I wanted to- we live in this little, 1,300-square-foot house in Los Angeles. It’s nothing much, and I paid way too much for it, so that just hit me, like, that he’s not happy with this, and we’re lucky to be affording anything. And so when he says, “Dad, when are we going to get the big house?” It took everything I could not to fucking grab him and shake him and say, “Do you know how much money I spend on your sister and you, “you son of a bitch? You are the big house. You are the big house!” That’s what I was feeling, but you can’t do that because you get arrested. So instead, here’s me saying something stupid. I go, “Dude, “lam very proud of this little house. “And I bought it with my own money doing a job that I love, “and very few people can say that. “And the people with the big house get their money through inheritance.” And then he goes, “What’s inheritance?” And I go, “Shit. “Okay, um… “That is when Grandma and Grandpa pass away, “and then they give you a bunch of money, “and then you can buy stuff you wouldn’t normally be able to afford otherwise, like a big house.” And not only did I do a shitty job of explaining inheritance, but what I really did is put us on Nana and Papa deathwatch. Now my mom comes over and so much as coughs, he’s like, “Fuck, yeah. Here comes the big house. She’s about to go. I want a pool.” He’s leaving his skateboard out. “Die, bitch.” [scattered applause] You don’t have to clap every time I take a drink. I really am just thirsty. [cheers and applause] You guys are a great crowd. This is nice. [cheers and applause] Are you having a good time? You sure? [audience cheers] No, I know you guys are, but there’s some people who are like, “Meh.” Does it feel weird that you’re up front like this? Are you- Okay. All right, well, try to look like you’re fucking- just because the theater is called Moody doesn’t mean you fucking have to be. All right. I do have some advice. I think we all need somebody five years ahead of us to give us a little bit of advice, and this is weird stuff that you’re probably not going to hear anywhere else. But first of all, if you have a little kid and you go- don’t give anybody your phone number at the park. And it sounds like something you would never do. Why would-like, that’s where the hobos exchange information. But what happens when you have a baby is you go to the park, and your kid starts playing with another kid, and then they get along, and then some weird mom comes over and goes, “Hey, how you doing? “My name’s Gloria, and the kids seem to be getting along. Can I give our number?” And then you start hanging out with those people. And then your wife goes over to their house for a play-date because the kids get along and it’s a proximity thing. And then the wife comes home and says, “Hey, her husband Bob seems pretty cool. You should start hanging outwith Bob.” Now I’m hanging out with fucking Bob. I don’t wanna hang out with Bob. I wanna hang out with my friends, people that I think are cool. Right? I took over the play-dates at one point ’cause I just couldn’t take it anymore. And see, I don’t care if my little kid matches up with the other kid. I just wanna hang out with cool people. My little kid- my kid hated this other kid. And we were at a play-date one time. He comes running up and goes, [panting] “Scotty bit me.” And I said, “Come here. “Let me explain this whole thing to you. “See, Scotty’s daddy has box seats at the Staples Center. “And Scotty’s mommy is a former Hawaiian Tropic model “and likes to wear tight-fitting clothing and high heels. “So you better work it out “cause we’re staying friends with Scotty. “And I don’t care if he’s a cannibal, you make it happen. Daddy needs this.” [cheers and applause] You don’t have to breastfeed, ladies. Don’t. I don’t encourage you to do that ’cause- See, what happens when you breastfeed and you’re pregnant, the boobs are fantastic. They’re bigger, they’re faster, they’re stronger. But as a husband, you can’t touch ’em because they’re too sensitive. And then by the time you’re ready to get in there, you’re not left with the original product that you started with in the first place. It’s purely selfish. See, my wife had a nice “B” going, nothing crazy. But then, that’s when you get to a “C” or a I get excited. “Oh, this is awesome.” But you can’t touch ’em because they’re too sensitive. And then they go down again. And then the process repeats itself. The second kid really does a number on them. So now, what was a nice now one looks like a man’s wallet, and the other one looks like a leather satchel you might see at a Renaissance fair after it was dropped by a falcon at a high altitude. Now I got all kinds of little hairy guys coming up to me going, “Sire, is that the satchel that holds the one ring?” “No, it’s my wife’s titties, Frodo. You and your buddies better back the fuck up.” It’s solid advice, I think. I can’t stand people who are married without kids, always rubbing their disposable income and their travel plans in your face. They always come up and say horrible shit like, “You know, we’re thinking about buying a second place in France.” Oh, that’s great. The closest I’ll come to a place in France is I might buy a crepe at a food court, and one of my kids will drop it inside of three seconds, and we’ll all cry. That’s my place in France. They also say, “We just really like our life the way it is.” Basically saying, “We’ve seen you, and we’ll take a pass.” I’m finally comfortable with “sir.” I’m not sure if anyone’s there yet. No. No, you’re not a sir. You’re not a sir. You may be. Are you a sir yet? How old are you? – As. – as? You’re approaching it. Right, because if somebody calls you sir, you’re like, “No, man. “My name’s Jason. I’m not a sir.” Sorry, that’s my impression of you. “No, man. I’m- Does Steve still work here? I’m his buddy.” But with me- I don’t know what happens. There’s-at a point in a man’s life, “Mix-a-Lot” becomes “Sir Mix-a-Lot,” you know what I mean? It’s like it switches. Somebody drops a “sir,” and then you can’t help but think, “Hey, where the fuck’s my ‘sir’? “I got a ‘sir’ coming over here. “I just dropped a shitload of money in this place. I think I got a ‘sir’ coming.” I’m fine with people cleaning up after me. I just am cool. Because when we first had a cleaning lady come over to the house, it was like I was cleaning up before the cleaning lady gets there. “Cleaning lady’s coming. “Come on, let’s get straightened up. “Don’t want her to think we’re complete assholes. Come on.” I was over at a guy’s house in L.A. They had a chef. We were making fun of him when we were walking in. “Can you believe this fucking douche bag’s got a chef?” Me and my wife left that party going, “We need a chef as soon as possible.” I had a cleaning lady in college. No shit. I really did. It wasn’t my cleaning lady. It was-l had a rich druggie roommate in college freshman year. It was roommate lotto. It was like a Rodney Dangerfield Back to School situation that I just stumbled into. Moved off campus, luxury apartment, beer on tap. It was awesome. And one of the craziest things happened to me in my entire life, I think. We had a cleaning lady come every single Monday. Her name was Leonicia. We called her Liam Neeson. We thought that was hilarious. Who knew it would still be relevant from Darkman to the Taken 2? You know, this guy’s cranking out the movies. So Liam Neeson is down in the laundry room. 50-year-old Guatemalan woman, the Bible in her purse, nicest lady you ever met, downstairs and doing laundry. Druggie roommate’s not home, but druggie roommate girlfriend is. Nobody knows this character better than Austin, I’ll tell you that. Because I’ve been walking around. This baked, freshly showered but still a little dirty Rosanna Arquette look-alike, eating Grape Nuts, cackling at the television, going, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” She’s on the couch like she always is. We get a knock at the door. It’s Super Mario. The super from the building whose name was Mario. It’s the easiest nicknaming anyone’s ever done. Overalls, plumbing equipment, mustache. We’d be playing Nintendo, going, “He’s right there. This is so crazy.” So Super Mario knocks on the door and says, “Hey, man. Liam Neeson is down-” He was in on the nickname too. “Liam Neeson is down in the laundry room acting crazy, mumbling something about chocolates.” That’s when druggie roommate girlfriend Rosanna Arquette goes, “U h-oh. What about chocolates?” Turns out that they had a bowl of mushroom-infused chocolates on their dresser. So psychedelic mushrooms injected into the heart of, like, See’s candy wrapped in foil, like you’d see in somebody’s cubicle. Reese’s peanut butter cups, the miniatures. Like, “Go ahead. Take one.” Well, she did. She’s on two, tripping her balls off in a laundry room. I’m the only one capable of helping out, so I go down there, investigate. Look in the laundry room. Sure enough, 50-year-old Guatemalan woman holding a sock, laughing at the dryers. “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!” Holy shit. This is happening. Okay. I say, “Leonicia, are you all right? Everything okay? Es bueno?” “Mr. Al, ha, ha, ha, ha. “I haven’t eaten anything all day except the chocolates. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!” Holy shit. Okay. So I gather her laundry and some lint animals she’s created, and I bring it upstairs. Rosanna Arquette, no help at all in this situation. First words out of her mouth, she goes, “Liam Neeson. You should go dancing.” “Come here for a second. Can I talk to you? “First of all, she doesn’t know her nickname is Liam Neeson. “Secondly, no one’s doing any dancing. “We’re lucky we don’t go to jail here. “This is a serious situation. “If you don’t have anything useful to suggest, you need to shut the fuck up.” So now I’ve got to explain to this woman that she’s on drugs for the first time in her entire life. I’m third-generation Mexican from San Francisco. I’m assimilation mission: accomplished. All right? But I’m working on speaking some better Spanish. My Spanish is shit, but I got CD’s and some tapes. You know, I’m listening, and I got something- program on the Internet that I’m doing. No Rosetta Stone will ever prepare you to tell a 50-year-old Guatemalan woman with laminated letters from the Corinthians in her purse that she’s about to take a solo trip to ‘shroomtown. But I do my best. And one of the side effects of listening to this many lessons is that I can’t help but sound like the guy in the tapes. So I say, “Leonicia, escuche. Los chocolates son drogas.“ [laughter applause] “Los chocolates son drogas?“ ”S I. Los chocolates son drogas.“ She reacts the same way you’d expect a 50-year-old Latina woman to act when she has found out she has taken mushrooms for the very first time in her entire life. She freaks the fuck out. “I don’t do the drogas! I don’t do the drogas! No drogas! No drogas!“ I think partially upset because she’s having a pretty good time on the drogas. You should have seen her in this laundry room. It was amazing. Calm her down, rub her back. Oprah’s on. Bring her a water. Rosanna Arquette fucks me up again. She goes, “You should get her a beer.” Before I can say anything, Liam Neeson pops her head up and says, “Yes, I would like a beer.” Oh, shit. Now she wants to party. And I say, “Sorry, ladies. “I just went to the refrigerator and got the water. “And while we have mushroom-infused chocolates on the menu today, we do not have any beers at the moment,” forgetting that she is a referral from other people in the apartment building. She holds up a big-ass set of keys and says, “I know who has beer.” Within seconds, I’m off on this mushroom-infused, Scooby-Doo, Goldilocks quest with these two idiots, looking for brewskis in other people’s apartments. She really does take us right to the beer in this old guy’s place. You know, an old guy you’d see in an apartment building you never talk to. You see him at the mailboxes, and you’re like, “Oh, there’s that fucking guy.” Right? I’m in his place, and she’s wanting to dish now on all of his stuff. She wants to tell me all about him. She says these words. She goes, “He has antique dolls on his bed, and sometimes when I’m cleaning, they look at me.” And I was like, “Well, fucking don’t go in there now.” That’s the last thing you want to see on mushrooms is some porcelain antique dolls. It really is number one on the things you don’t want to see on mushrooms. Second being taxidermied wolves, and number three, if you’re a Guatemalan lady doing mushrooms for the first time, a mirror. “Look at my face.” So we get the beers. We go back to my place. She never came back that day. I don’t know what happened to her. I do know that she had to go to a hair appointment over her pastor’s wife’s hair salon. She must have been fucking crazy. And I’m pretty sure that’s the title of a Tyler Perry movie. But she did leave us with this. We were holding hands at one moment right before she left. And she said, “Mr. Al, on Sunday, I was reading “the Bible to the children, and now I’m on the drogas.” [laughter applause] I was like, “Yeah, that’s pretty much how it fucking happens. “You got to watch out. Watch out for that stuff. Bad news.” [cheers and applause] I do hate my neighbors. I’ve invested way too much in this little house. Bought it at the worst possible time. I live across the street from blue tarp guy. You ever see that house? Where it rained and they couldn’t afford to fix their roof, so they put a blue tarp over the problem area. Class it up with some bricks. It’s like somebody threw a 99¢ poncho on their house. It makes me crazy. I mean, because I find myself now scrutinizing all of his purchases, thinking he should be saving up for his roof. So you’ll see me looking through my blinds going, “Are those fucking new Adidas? That son of a bitch. Fix your roof, asshole.” Finally I snapped on him. He came over. He was like, “Hey, man. You see Smurfs on Blu-ray?” I’m like, “Did you fucking see Smurfs on Blu-ray? “Fix your roof, dickhead. “Save up. The only thing blue “you should be worried about is on your roof. Fix it.” It’s made me a crazy person. Really, this house is making me a lunatic. Because I’m worried about my property value and all the neighbors with the weeds, and it’s- it’s horrible. I recently figured out how to combat everyone. And I’m going to pass on this advice to you. I was on the subway in New York, underground, between 14th and 23rd on an “F” train. And for those two stops, you get a cell phone signal. So I had looked at my phone. In about three minutes, I’m desperate to take a look. Whip it out. “Select a wireless network” comes up, the box. The wireless network that’s available to me on the subway underground is “lick_my_ass.” It’s amazing. It’s changed my life. Because it used to be if you wanted somebody to anonymously tell you to lick their ass, you had to go to a truck stop restroom and see “lick my ass” etched into the side of the toilet paper dispenser. A trucker worked on it overtime. There’s a little hairy ass with a tongue next to it. It’s a piece of art. Now with technology, you can send the signal of “lick my ass” by creating a mobile hotspot on your device to everyone in a two-block radius. Lick my ass. Lick my ass. Lick my ass. It’s an untraceable crime. I’m not going to walk around in a subway car going, “Lick my ass? Lick my ass? Lick my ass?” No. It’s genius. Why aren’t we all doing this? Do you have wireless at your house? You have a wireless network? What’s your wireless network called? – “AT&T. ” – “AT&T. ” “AT&T.” This fucking stupid lady. I’m sorry, but you got to change it. It’s a missed opportunity. We all live near creepy people. Don’t we? People you suspect of doing weird things. You’re like, “There’s that fucking guy again.” Just change your network name when you go home. Change it from “AT&T” to “I see what you do.” “They’re onto us!” I changed mine right away when I got home. I have one in the front and one in the back because I have this little detached garage where I have my office. And so in the front, my network name is now, “How many cars do two people need?” And my one in the back is, “Awful lot of vodka bottles in your recycling.” Just saying. I want to change and do this. This is what I’m gonna do. This is my new plan. I am going to get- $125 a month- I’m going to get a wireless tower in my backyard. I’m going to send out a signal to everybody in my entire neighborhood and provide free wireless for everyone. ” Ow! – Right? It’s gonna be open. It’s gonna be strong. There’s no boxes you have to click, nothing. But I’m gonna call that network, “Hulk Hogan’s nut sack,” just so I can make a large group of people think about Hulk Hogan’s disgusting nut sack. I’ve never seen it. I didn’t see the tape, but I assume that it’s gross. One’s bigger than the other. It’s like the tan-orange. Not-it’s like orangey-tan, but like a tan you’d see on a Nerf ball after it had been left out in the sun and chewed by a squirrel a little bit. And sun and rain, and sun and rain elements on a Nerf ball. You know what I’m talking about. That orange. It’s got long, blond hairs hanging off of it. They’re highlighted. It says, “Brother One,” and, “Brother Two.” That’s what his nut sack looks like in my mind. And you see what I did to you people. I made you all think about Hulk Hogan’s disgusting nut sack, and I can do that to a large group of people on a regular basis. And then what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna let it go for four hours strong. Just run it. And I’m gonna shut it down for 15 minutes. I’m gonna turn it back on, and then I’m gonna turn it off. Just so people in coffee shops in my neighborhood are gonna be going, “Excuse me, are you on Hulk Hogan’s nut sack? “Because I just got dropped by Hulk Hogan’s nut sack, and it’s usually such a strong signal.” I have something that I do right now. I do this. I send my daughter out on Halloween, which is coming up. And you can do this too if you have little kids. I have her communicate messages to the neighbors. So my daughter, at 3 1/2, she’ll say anything I want her to. And she goes up as Tinker Bell, dressed super cute, walks up to the door and says, “Trick or treat.” And they give her the candy. She says, “Thank you very much. When are you gonna do something about your fence?” And walks away. [applause] And I’m just at the bottom of the steps eating some Nerds. “That’s right.” That’s nice. – Whoo! [cheers and applause] It’s an exciting time to be Latino. I got to tell you that. – [screams] [applause] – Latinos are everywhere. It’s pretty exciting. I mean, look. Eventually we will start voting and making a difference, but for now, I’ll just settle with us being everywhere. We really are. I went with my dad. We were in New York. He was visiting me at a show, and we were there at, like, a New York deli, restaurant, big diner thing. And my dad, he orders the enchiladas. I go, “What are you doing ordering the enchiladas? “You should get a Reuben, a pastrami, or matzo ball soup. What are you doing?” He goes, “Well, on my way to the bathroom, “I couldn’t help but pop my head in the kitchen. I feel pretty good about my order of the enchiladas.” He was right. They were delicious. There’s day laborers everywhere. I take advantage of that all the time. Have you guys ever done that, by round of applause? Anybody ever pick up a day laborer? You done that? [sparse applause] See, you guys haven’t done it? Don’t be intimidated by this. It’s easy to do. You wanna go to Home Depot. You also wanna go in the morning. You wanna get yourself a first-round draft pick. You don’t wanna show up in the afternoon when the “C” team’s out there. One-eye guy- “No, gracias. I prefer dos ojos on my day laborer, por favor.” So I show up in the morning. 30, 40 guys out there. I decide I’m gonna mess with ’em with my bad Spanish, try to make ’em laugh. So I roll down the window, and I say, “Quien es mas fuerte? Who’s the strongest?” And instead of laughing, they all started spontaneously flexing. So it turned into day laborer Mr. Olympia. “Hector. Hector es mas fuerte.“ Now I got to pick one. I just need one guy. So it becomes this weird Bachelor rose ceremony where I got to select my fella. And it really does become this day laborer dating game show. It’s like, “Contestant Number One. …He.s 5.2..’ but don’t let that fool ya. “He can strap a refrigerator on his back “like a 12-year-old puts on a summer school backpack. “Meet Enrique! [cheers and applause] “Contestant Number Two. “Not only does he praise the Lord Jesus, “his name’s Jesus! [cheers and applause] “Now let’s do some question and answer, shall we? “Contestant Number One, “do you feel that the regulatory reform “passed by Congress known as Dodd-Frank was too constricting, “or do you think that it was not restraining enough in banks known as ‘too big to fail’?” “I can do the plumbing.” “He can do the plumbing. “That was Enrique. Contestant Number Two, same question.” “Okay. “Well, first of all, the fact that any legislation “could get passed by this do-nothing Congress “is shocking in itself. “Secondly, it seems like every single month, “there’s a new CEO that’s retiring “with a golden parachute or an investment banker “that is bilking his clients out of millions of dollars. “Now, can we blame our government officials “for trying to curtail what is obviously “a major problem, or can we claim this “as a positive step in the right direction? “In conclusion, I’d like to add that I can also do the plumbing.” [cheers and applause] So me and Jesus go driving off, and it’s awkward. It’s first-date awkward. We want to be talking to each other, but we’re not. My Spanish is horrible. You’ve heard some of it. His English is nonexistent. Let’s be honest, he didn’t say any of that shit. So we’re driving 20 minutes in the car. I’m going from Home Depot to go to lkea to get one of the kitchens. You ever go to lkea, and you see the fully done kitchens? You’re like, “This is affordable, and it’s nice.” Don’t do it. If you have a difficult time assembling the bookcase, don’t ante up to the kitchen. Stakes are high. Even Jesus knew when he saw the building. He goes, Ikea es e! diablo. ” [laughter scattered applause] So we’re driving. No conversation is being had. You can tell we’re fun guys, but we’re just not talking. We need a miracle to bond over. That miracle happens. Spot an African-American woman at a bus stop with humongous boobs. Real nice ones, racism-ending boobs. Jesus sees the boobs. I see the boobs. Jesus turns to me and takes a chance. Says, “Amigo, te gusta chichis negra?” [laughter] Translation, “Hey, friend. You like black tits?” Oh, I know this. “Si, si. Me gusta chichis negra, Jesus, me gusta.“ Friendship forms. At that moment, I realize I have more in common with this day laborer than my two brothers and my wife. And we held on to that for the rest of the day. It was amazing what it did for our relationship. I’m not sure if anyone’s assembled a large amount of Ikea stuff at one time, but it’s one of the most horrible things I’ve ever done in my entire life. I was so frustrated at one point, I was ready to drive back to Ikea, kidnap anybody in a yellow and blue polo, take them hostage, do like this Baghdad-style videotape with an Allen wrench to their temple, saying, “Either this shit gets assembled “and aligned properly, or this guy gets it. “And throw in some of those meatballs ’cause Jesus is starving.” And no matter how frustrated I got- Shit would break as we were making it. If you don’t have a buddy to hold it in the right place- it’s made of press-board and glue. And my wife was on my back, and my contractor was on my back. And here I am fixing up this house that my son doesn’t even want in the first place. I’m in this neighborhood with this blue tarp guy. I don’t know if I’m gonna get my money back on this thing. I’m near a cholo waterfall. What am I doing? And I walked away at my ultimate moment of frustration, just not knowing how this job was going to get done, a tear brewing up from my eye. And I just- I didn’t know what to do. But my new friend Jesus knew exactly what to say. He stopped me, and he goes, “Amigo… Chichis negra.“ “Ah, right. Oh, you’re right. That totally works.” All right, thank you very much, everybody. [cheers and applause] [FisherGreen’s Sisters Brothers plays] II – I Put your hands together I I Stomp your feet on the floor I II I We’re gonna try it again I I Like they did before I II I Open up your mind I I Turn off that radio I II Ain’t sellin’ nothin’ here I I Just sharing a little bit of soul I II I Come on sisters, brothers I I We owe this to each other I I Yeah, come on brothers, sisters I I Sit back let that music hit ya I II I Let me see ya I I Let me let me see ya shake it loose I II I Don’t worry what that toots I I Thinkin’ next to you I II I Drop it like it’s hot I I Right down on the floor I II I When you think you’ve had enough I I Get up and get you some more I II I Put your hands together I I Stomp your feet on the floor I II I We’re gonna try it again like they did before I

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

DANIEL TOSH: COMPLETELY SERIOUS (2007) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/daniel-tosh-completely-serious-2007-full-transcript/

Recorded at OC Pavilion in Santa Ana, CA Dan, in five minutes. Daniel. Let’s begin. Ladies and gentlemen. Daniel Tosh. Thank you. Thank you. I deserve that. I’m really good. One of the best. That’s yeah, the best. Currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up, you guys are in for a treat. 19000 people. This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously don’t look around. It’s 19,000. People watching the TV they never know. They’re so stupid. That’s why they watch TV. It’s great to be here in the OC. Diversity. That’s what I like about the OC. You know between upper middle and upper. My people. Oh, there anything more annoying than the poor? Always complaining: “Aw, I can’t afford a two-bedroom townhouse for six hundred thousand dollars.” Good, move east. Yeah, that’s what the middle of the country’s for. People that gave up on their dreams. Oh, that’s gonna, sting isn’t, tourist? Alright, how much longer do I have— holy cow! That opening did not take long enough. We have another 55 minutes. I tell you how long I’ve been on stage. I think that’s nice. I don’t have to. Ever been in church: “Hey, when’s this fucker going to wrap it up? We got kick off! Why does God hate football season? I wish he was arrested on a Wednesday. It’s so hard to be a Christian in the west coast time zone. I probably shouldn’t talk about church and say fucking in the same sentence. Or on Comedy Central. They don’t want me to swear. But, I love to swear and I don’t know that I’m not allowed to swear. Right? What if I die get up to heaven and God’s like: “Hey, man. Welcome to fuckin’ heaven.” “Oh, my. What did you say?” He’s like: “Welcome to fucking heaven.” “You can swear?” He’s like: “Fuck yeah! It’s fucking heaven.” “Oh, see I was always raised as a child never to swear.” “Where in the Bible does it say you can’t fucking swear?” I’m like: “No fucking where.” He’s like: “Yeah. Now you’re getting it. By the way I saw some slutty bitches by the pearly gates. You can go tap that. They ain’t getting in.” I’m like: “What?” He’s like: “No, I’m kidding. You’re not in heaven. You’re in hell. You’re on PUNK’D.” Oh, damn you, Ashton. That one was elaborate. Way to go the extra mile. Even in the afterlife you’re a douchebag. Hope you enjoy charity banging that geriatric for eternity. Am I right? It’s so gross. “I hope I get famous in my early 20 so I can settle down and marry some middle-aged forty-year-old with a bunch of kids. That’ll throw off the scent of the gay trail.” Haha. I guess it has, I guess it has. Women like that Demi married a younger man because guys do it all the time and no one gives him grief for, but if a woman does it becomes an issue. OK. But the flip side of that is how about when a hot female teacher bangs a 14 year old student and nobody in society really has a problem with it. They all the same stupid joke: “Probably made the kid more popular.” That’s disgusting. She’s a pedophile, she should be in prison forever. I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn’t make me cooler. And a lot of you’re like: “That’s because you were home schooled.” OK. Valid. Valid point. Doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It just means statistically I’m smarter than you are. And I had game. A leopard can carry two times its body weight into a tree. I don’t have a joke for that yet. But it is accurate and just in case you hate my stand-up at least you can leave going: “You know what I learned something. That guy’s like a damn Snapple.” Right? You might not like the flavor, but once you pop the top you’re: “Ohhh, the Sun is hot! 45 million degrees Fahrenheit! It feels warmer. Tahoe’s west of LA? Bullshit, Snapple!” Then I saw a globe and I’m like: “I’m sorry, Snapple. You are always right.” Got to seal up the borders in this country that’s for sure. Yeah, I’m not talking about Mexico, either. I love Mexico. Beautiful beaches and fifty dollars never bought me so much weed. Sure, there were branches in it. I don’t care. In a garbage bag. I was king for a day. I’m talking about Canada. Stay in your own yard. I’m so sick of these Canadians down here. Always complaining, right? “It’s nice here but I couldn’t live here. I love seasons, too much. I love seasons.” So do I. That’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones. Because, I love seasons. Why don’t you ice skate your ass back up to your log cabin and enjoy that 10-month dead period? Where you get to stay inside day after day and eventually have to stab your wife to death that just so you can see some color. Oh, that’s my favorite season. Where your wife is lying dead on the floor. Those reds! Am I right? It’s like Maine. We should get lobster. I don’t think I could ever stab somebody because I’m really bad with the Capri Sun. And other reasons that even fewer would laugh at. No? Okay. No Juicy, Juicy, Juicy. This is my water. This is gonna be exciting. I wish it didn’t have that many rotations to take the lid off. Had I known that I would have pre-screwed it two turns. Sometimes I feel bad because secretly I hope New Orleans gets nailed again. But, but, but, but, then I don’t. What? You’d rather spend billions rebuilding the city that’s below sea level? I’ve got another business plan. Cut our losses and finish the job, Lord. I’m sorry s– one guy. Yeah, that’s like: “You know what, I came to a comedy club. I hope there’s jokes and sarcasm.” The rest of you are… I’m a half full guy. New Orleans gets flooded, I said to myself: “If any city in this country needed a bath, it was New Orleans. That. Cajuns are dirty. That’s a fact. That’s French and redneck merging. That’s a hygiene combination no antiperspirant can tackle. And I’m not– I’m not somebody that doesn’t understand why you would “oh”. We had a horrible tragedy in our country, that’s not bad enough. What’s right around the corner to make everything worse? Blatant racism. And it was obvious in New Orleans. We all know it wasn’t just black people looting, that’s for sure. There were tons of Mexicans there. There were. And nobody was pointing the finger. I will. I see a Jose. “Drop the VCR! The hell are you stealing a VCR for, anyway? They don’t even make VHS tapes. Why don’t you steal a TiVo? That’s what I would steal.” But, I don’t have to because I’m white and I’ve had one for 3 years. That’s– That’s not racial. That’s a fact. I’ve almost had one for 4 years. I’m not gonna say that. How does that make the joke better? “I’ve had a TiVo for 4 years.” “Who’s the dick?” So I say three years to soften it. Wherever you live there’s risk. I mean we accept that. We live here. Oh, California. We have earthquakes, mudslides. The rest of the country thinks it’s hysterical: “Haha! That’s what you guys get for building your houses on the side of cliffs.” That’s because we have shit to look at, Tulsa. Why don’t you keep your mouth shut and enjoy that new strip mall? Oh, I hear they’re gonna put a Chili’s in it. That’s gonna be super sweet. On Thursdays they’re doing 2 4 and appetizers. I’m gonna go Pizza Pop where you get spinach artichoke dip. I wanna get chicken fingers. You’re chicken Caesar salad. It’s a different kind of chicken. Oh, that joke was long and worth it. Do you know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable. I wrote that joke so children could watch my show on TV and not be embarrassed in front of their parents. I was watching the country music channel the other day and I fell asleep and I woke up racist. Ah, that explains the holes in my linens. Saw a guy driving on the highway with his bare foot out the window. Can we agree that that’s disgusting? Right, so I was gonna pull next to him to scream at him and then I realized it was an amputee making a left. I know but I already started to yell so I’m: “Oh, your blinkers out!” And he waved or kicked. Received the information. If anybody ever asks you for directions and you have to point, point with 4 fingers. The look on their face will be the funniest thing you saw all day long. Just be: “Oh, yeah. It’s over there.” “Are you yelling at me?” “No. Just go that way to the left. That’s how you get there. Well, then you should have asked the walrus.” My girlfriend is Korean for this joke. And we met online and people make jokes about it but that’s not how eBay works. You research, wait for one without a reserve. None of this buy it now. I don’t have a girlfriend, oh. She got so mad. She hated I that always corrected her. And I told her: “How do you think it made me feel? Knowing I was dating someone who was always wrong?” And I’m in show business. Oh, she would get so jealous when I cheated on her. And I would tell her: “Maybe if you had a better body, I wouldn’t have to. Instead of ‘Ohing’, why don’t you get on a treadmill, put on 8 with an incline because I’m not gonna stick around with back fat.” And she’s like: “I’m not fat, I’m pregnant.” I’m like: “Whatever. It’s gross. Now make me a sandwich.” Then I give her kidney shot. Not a hard one. Just so “You know I love honey turkey.” POW! “He likes turkey. I need more iron in my diet.” That’s a bruise joke. People are like: “Oh, he punched a pregnant  girlfriend.” She wasn’t pregnant. She’s pro choice. Does that make you uncomfortable? Move to South Dakota. Hear they’re taking rights. You know that South Dakota is the first state in our country to make abortion completely illegal. And it doesn’t affect me because good luck finding someone in South Dakota that I’d have sex with. Have you seen them? There is no talent on that team. That’s a AAA club at best. And if you’re not pro-choice, all that means you’ve never slept with a stripper in Kansas City. Cause that’s a phone call no man wants. “Guess who’s gonna be joining us for breakfast? Cinnamon Junior.” “Not if my seven hundred dollars has anything to say about it. Now clean it out.” I know. But he had a really bad dad. I’m reading the crowd. One more abortion joke? You got it. All right. I could tell. I could tell. I do this for a living. Have you heard about this morning after pill or as I like to call it breakfast in bed? That a few women have taken and died a few days later? Ho, talk about two birds. Oh, yeah. “Looks like I will be going to the game this weekend, fellas. Drinks are on me. I had a great week.” Poker’s a sport? Then put it in the Olympics. And you can only play with what your country’s worth. How great would that be, being American? “Looks like Costa Rica’s all in with 15 coconuts.” “We’re gonna to call. Hasta luego, small blind. Shouldn’t have limped. Go cry about your bad beat to Nicaragua. They got guns. Do you guys even get what my show’s about? Huh? Do you? I’m talking about bringing the troops home. That’s the message. It’s not obvious, but it’s there. Bring the troops home tomorrow and continue the war here! Because we owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds with their families. Wake up in the morning have a delicious breakfast, drive to war. We can have it in Nebraska. We don’t need that horrible state. That can be our field. Some of you are: “Oh, it’s not nice! Then we wouldn’t have any corn!” My SUV doesn’t run on corn. Ethanol is a dream and a dumb one. And let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why there’s storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me anyplace. Get me the hell out of there! No wonder they’re all fat. It’s so they will stay on the ground. And yes I do that joke in Omaha. And I stare at them while I’m saying it. And I’m sure they’d love to scream at me, but they can’t because they’re too busy eating fried mayonnaise ball. “I’ll get to you later, boy. These are delicious! Server! Another bucket! Quickly! I felt my blood moving!” Parade or fireworks? Which do you go to? Fireworks. Of course. I don’t even have a joke for the moron that yells: “Parade!” “I would go to a parade. I’m here alone because I make horrible decisions.” You don’t even know when a parade’s finished. Do you? Like: “Oh, is that it? Can we go? I’d like to wash the gay off me.” And it’s sticky. Fireworks. You know when they’re finished. The finale. It’s pretty impressive. Parades could learn a thing or two. They need a finale. My recommendation? One more lap. 60 times the speed. Bands on a full sprint. Floats going 80. Midgets falling off cause they have little fingers. They can’t hold on. Right? So kids are catching them. “Mom, can we keep him?” “I don’t see why not. They’re not real.” They’re not. They can’t even vote in our country. OK. They can vote, but they’ve no clue who they picked. They’re jumping up, grabbing levers. And that’s the story of how President Bush won the election. Oh, yes I did. That joke had a happy ending. Mmm, I was like a– Bless you. They say bless you because they used to believe evil spirit were in your soul. So whenever I have to sneeze I encourage my friends to be like: “Get out of him! Get out of him!” You ever have to sneeze and you can’t sneeze and have the worst feeling? Do you know what it means? An angel in heaven faked an orgasm. It’s true. I read that in Revelations. Or had a messed-up dream. Either way it was hard to believe. My jeans faded, your jeans with holes in them. Yet they’re not this old. That’s how we bought them. That’s ridiculous. I say give them brand new to the homeless. Let them age it. Then take it back, wash it, sell it. That way we can clothe the homeless, but we can still look down on them, because they’re not in style. We need classes. Know your role. Don’t you love that one: “Money doesn’t buy happiness.” Do you live in America? Because it buys a waverunner. You ever seen a sad person on a waverunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a waverunner. They’re so awesome. It’s just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren’t laughing. We all miss your cousin. But not not laughing is not gonna bring him back. I don’t think that’s right. He’s dead for a reason. He’s was a show-off and he tried to spray us. “I didn’t wanna to get wet!” I yelled at his mother at the funeral. Do you like how I start jokes with mass appeal and continue till only six people have a clue what I’m talking about? That’s not a good style. That doesn’t make you famous. Of course money buys happiness. Ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s: no. They’re not allowed. I once saw a homeless person start to skip, bottle him right in the dome. He forgot the rules. He’ll remember next time. Yeah, I threw it. I don’t care. Why is he happier than me? He shouldn’t be, I’m rich. Spiritually. You ever hear a girl say that? “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” I reply: “I’m not honest, but you’re really interesting. Let’s have cider and talk about your crazy cats. Maybe three hours from now I can dry hump you. No? Okay, then scattergories.” That’s second base in Christian baseball. Some loose girls play as a singles. Slow down ladies! I’m all for women that decided to get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you the rare opportunity to make your outer appearance reflect your inner appearance. Fake. Which is a positive joke for women unless of course you have fake boobs. Let’s be honest you’re not bright enough to get that joke. How’s that feel, whores? Yeah, just keep telling yourself you did it so your shirts would fit better. You did it because you’re a whore. You forgot because you’re stupid. Enjoy your free drinks. I’ll buy. I love big titties! Yeah! You got big titties then top-shelf. Small titties? Beer in a can. You ever been to a third world country? Not a boob job in the bunch, yet they still find happiness. And that’s discouraging because they’re tough to look at. No, no, I know you have a harelip, but why not work on that rack first? I’m from America, I don’t speak your booga-booga language. By the way, I hate soccer. And we wonder why other countries think we’re a trainwreck, when we have shows like “The Swan Extreme Makeover”. “I don’t wanna develop a personality you’re better off cutting my face.” “Am I happy? Am I– This is the expression I ordered. Happy.” Put me on Extreme Makeover. I’d like a vagina under my arm. Yeah, that’s extreme. I don’t even know if they can do this surgery. Whatever. I signed the waiver. Let’s go, doc! Drill! You know how I like it. 516 and juicy like a starburst. This joke get’s worse. Hang in there. Alright? My friends be: “You look different.” I’ll be: “Uh huh.” “Oh man! Are you ticklish? Are you?” “All right, come on, guys! Two fingers. There you go. Oh, yeah. That feels so good. Now I know why I call you best friend forever.” I think it’s pretty obvious that I don’t pander in my act. But just in case there’s any women in here that have had plastic surgery or considering getting plastic surgery know that I’m just making light of a social issue. I don’t give a shit either way at all. Please save your breath. Don’t come to me after show make: “I’ve got fake boobs and I’m not stupid.” That’s the only thing I’ve come up with to make that moment equally uncomfortable for you. I know you’re not stupid. I’m telling jokes. I’ve had plastic surgery. I could care less who knows. I have. How old do you think I am? Mm? I’m 59. I am. Check my Myspace page. You can’t lie on there. I’m 59. My lips are not this voluptuous. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the procedure, but they will take some from your back section inject it into your lips. What? I don’t have a lot back there. So I was forced to use my dick fat. Because, I’ve always been told I have a fat dick. That’s why I wear black condoms. Because, they’re slimming. That’s a joke. I don’t wear condoms. I don’t. I don’t. It’s against my religion. I’m kind of mad that you asked. Do you know how hard it is to grow up when you’re a little bit different than all the other kids? Every day in school I would hear it: “There goes Daniel. He’s got a fat fat dick!” And I would run home crying: “Mother, why is my dick so fat?” And she’d like: “Because, your real father’s Samoan.” “Is that why I hate The Rock?” And she said yes and then we watched “The Rundown” and we wept. And yes chronologically this joke makes no sense at all. But I don’t know any older Samoans so The Rock is my dad. Whoa! That joke was loooong. Oh, yeah. Guess who has cat-like reflexes? Me. Thank you. Cat-like reflexes. Look at this. Watch this. I can do that every time, ladies. Am I right? “I’ll put it in.” Alright, let’s edit out the me going like that. My mom would absolutely So disgusting. What’s wrong with me? Chapstick. You know what, let me tell you something. Chapstick. First of all, if you’re a man and you put your on, you have to put it on all the way around. You can’t just put on the bottom and go… I mean you can, but then you have to keep the chapstick in your asshole. Which isn’t a bad idea because I’m always losing my chapstick. My favorite part of the day is when my upper lip gets dry enough that I can tuck it in and it stays. I’m always like: “Yay! It’s this time!” Because, it reminds me of how shallow I really am. Because I could meet the most beautiful woman in the world, but if her lip was like that I’d be: “Ho-ho! No way! Seriously, somebody get me a stick. I’m gonna beat this mutant.” Okay, here’s a joke that’s not gonna work, but I have to do it. Why? Because there are people out there that will find this funny and I’m not so selfish that I don’t care about them as well. I’m sick of the media making female sport athletes into supermodels when they’re clearly sixes at best. I don’t need to be told how hot Danica Patrick is. Do you really think she’s beautiful? Danica? She’s 4’11 and bowlegged. You ever watched her walk to her car? There’s nothing hot about her. Maybe it’s sexy when her hair is blowing in the wind as she’s in last place. Or Maria Sharapova. “She’s breathtaking!” Really? When she was 13 and grunting I was into it, but now it doesn’t do much for me. It’s like the Olsen twins. It’s just gotten sad. I kind of hope one of them ODs so I can stop guessing. Applause break on a joke I’ve never said before on my special. That’s rare. I’m just saying. I’m not tooting my own horn. I’ve never said that in my life. Fucking improving up here. God. It’s unbelievable. I can kegel 75 pounds. Is that a lot? Is that good? I don’t know. I’m told it’s good. Three sets of 40. Is there any men in here that have a ponytail right now? I swear to God I want to see some of it. Do you have a ponytail? No, you don’t. Oh, you were just trying to help me? Like, like– I hate him. A man with a ponytail is saying: “Hey! Don’t fuck with me.” While a man with pigtails is saying: “Here. Hold these while you fuck me.” It’s a subtle difference, but it speaks volumes. It’s all about that part. You think there’s any case of polite Tourette’s in the world? Like one random person yells out random compliments for no reason all. “Lovely smile! Sorry, I have a disease.” You’d be: “Don’t worry about it. That was nice.” “Lovely hat!” I think two examples is enough. Next joke. How does Superman fly faster? Can anyone answer me this? How did Supe– I get that he can fly. I accept that. I just wanna know how he flies faster. Is it just like more… It’s the only part I don’t understand. Does he have different settings like: “Oh, this is my cruising speed I can one-arm-it with a bitch. You know, take her around town.” I just need some nerd to talk to me after a show: “See, what happened when the planet exploded…” And I’ll tell you what a vagina feels like. Are we even? You know there’s actually a blood test out now where you can find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it’s an HIV test. I know. OK, I know. It’s not a great joke, I know, but it’s a hundred percent accurate. I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I’m tired of walking 5k. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sweat for cancer. I’ll write a check. I have high-definition television because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on CSI. I need some more clarity in this house. Have this case wrapped up in a half an hour. That way I don’t have to listen to Gil Grissom ramble on about bugs. We get it. You like maggots. You’re weird. I just burped. Did you guys hear that? It’s weird I’m actually mad because earlier today I had a black and chicken wrap and they forgot the ranch and when I burped I was like “You know what? I’m mad again that there was no ranch on it.” Like that burp would have been better had there been ranch. Did anybody see the Oprah Winfrey episode where she had a little girl in there born with a rare disease where she didn’t feel pain? Like she put her hand on the stove she knows it’s hot she’d leave it there. It was a nightmare for the parents. They had to check on their child constantly to make sure she wasn’t hurt, because she would never cry. And I got so sad because at that moment I realized I can never have kids. If that was my kid I would’ve been like: “Honey! We have to talk! Our kid is a fucking superhero! Yes! I got her in the UFC fight this weekend. I don’t know. I think she’s gonna do great. I snapped her arm six hours ago. She didn’t tap out! I love her! She will be the next Royce Gracie!” I love that Kobe Bryant puts out a commercial this year: “Hate me because I’m a champion. Hate me because of my work ethic.” It’s like we hate you because you were accused of rape. What planet does he live in where he’s like: “Seriously guys, why are they pissed off? Because of the rape? Are you sure? That doesn’t add up.” I love basketball and I love college basketball and I’m happy that the NBA finally made a rule change. Forcing high school athletes to play at least one year of college ball. It’s a great rule change for college basketball. I came up with one more. Just for college. Why not let white players get one more point? Right? Who cares? Not gonna affect the games at all. Gonna make them feel like they’re contributing. A valuable lesson to learn in college and to remind the black athletes that no matter how hard they try in this country, they’ll always make less than their white counterpart. Laughter is the right response. White people going “Oooh” is ridiculous. You reap the benefits, you just don’t like it thrown in your face. “I hate making more money for no reason!” Secretly, I love it. I just wanted the black people here to see me go “Oooh!” So they be: “Oh, that most be one of the good white people.” But, you’re not. That’s why they’re gonna shoot you after the show. Oh, how’s that feel, you cracker? My fo-fo makes all your kids don’t grow. Miss you, 2Pac. I love when people act like they don’t understand why the rest of the world may hate our country. We have a game show in our country called Survivor. That’s a game in our country. Where you can win a million dollars for surviving 30 days in a place where people already live. Do you realize what kind of message that sends? “I’ve been here for 60 years. May I have some bread?” “No. We’re Americans. This is a game. We don’t have our cell phones. This is really hard. I don’t even get service here anyway. I’m a Cingular. They merged with AT&T. I’m suppose to have double the bars. I have no bars. And I hate this island of Wahapui. Which I thought was a shampoo by Paul Mitchell. It’s not. That’s Awapuhi. And it smells good.” You can’t celebrate in football anymore. That’s a rule change. Are you kidding me? If I score a touchdown, which is unlikely because I went undrafted yet again. Despite a solid 40 and great hands. I will celebrate. And I’m not gonna point to the heavens either, I’m gonna go like this. Because God is everywhere. He is. He’s in my soul. He can be in yours you have to invite him. He’s like a vampire. The dude’s got rules. “Stop celebrating and just do your job.” Their job’s to catch a ball. I don’t care if you get in the endzone and have a 10-minute tea party. It’s a game. Just don’t get mad at me when you’re paralyzed from the neck down, being carted off the field cause some free safety took your head off. And you see me in the stand going: “Ho-ho! Dance now, you overpaid clown! How does it feel to know God hates you? Maybe V8 will sponsor a vegetable!” Yeah, moan all you want. I love defense. DE-FENSE! That’s what chant I start in my section. Usually 118, lower bowl. You see me at a football game, I got a big letter D. I’m going: “D!” My friend Carl he’s got a fence. Chain-link not white picket. We’re not faggots. One of us is. It’s gross. Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult. Am I right? Saw a guy wearing a What Would Jesus Do? bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes. And the kid could see. And he wasn’t used to the light and it was bright and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. OK, people that are laughing I’m gonna call you half-full. Because you’re focusing on the important part of the story. The bracelets are working. I took my What Would Jesus Do? bracelet and put it on my Jewish friend’s wrist, it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent. We both started laughing. We left it there. We hate snakes. We think they’re slimy. Even though we know they’re not. Do you get the joke? I’m making fun of people take the bracelets too literally. They’re not magical. They’re a reminder to be a better person, to live a better life. And if you need a rubber band around your wrist to be that, here’s an idea. Take it off and snap yourself in the eye and see if that wakes you. I wore What Would Jesus Do? bracelet. In a movie theater once to see if it worked. A cell phone went off. One of those obnoxious rings where it’s a song. And he didn’t want to answer because the good part’s coming. Then he answers the phone in the theater. “What’s going on? No, I’m in the movies.” This is what I said verbatim and I’m not going to censor myself: “Hey, buddy. Get off the phone, please.” This is what he says to me: “Shut up and mind your own business, asshole.” Ha! Now, there’s trouble in River City. I’m a man. Not much of one, but a man. I will choke you if you’re younger, smaller and preferably white. I had my hands on his neck and then I saw my bracelet staring right back at me. What Would Jesus Do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell. I did. I had to. Amen. I waste so much time in my life. I could’ve accomplished so much more, but I have no dreams. Like real dreams. I sit at home thinking about: “How come nobody with a Lamborghini ever pulls up next to me: ‘Hey, man. You want this car?’ I’m like: ‘Fuck yeah! I do! Yes! I got a Lamborghini today!'” This never happen. Think that’s wasted energy. I want to get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be: “Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves. It was beautiful. I bet that’s John Woo’s kid.” Oh, balcony appreciating a Woo reference. Front row guy’s going: “Yes.” The rest of you google it. I don’t care. Hate you, Google. You’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I shared a computer with my girlfriend. She’d look up anything. “I’m gonna look up apples today.” She sets to “A”. Asian ass porn instantly! Google’s like: “I’ll take it from here. I know exactly what you’re looking up. Every time you hit A it’s Asian ass porn!” Google, all I ask is you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. It’s bad enough I’m clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. I’m trying to have an honest relationship and you’re fucking my shit up. And guess what? When I’m looking up Asian ass porn, guess who has all the time in the world? Oh, I do. I’ve got the house locked. The plantation shutters are closed. My keyboard is in a safe but reachable distance. Do you appreciate the picture I am painting? I am jerking it in this joke! This is highbrow stuff, guys. I’m gonna be so famous. I shave all my pubes. I don’t know why I looked at you when I said that. But I thought you would appreciate it. Why? Because I’d like to have the fastest sex ever. That’s why. I got three and a half seconds off my best time. Congratulations, little Phelps. Check off swimming joke. Got one! I wrote that joke because my friend’s a swimmer. He’s like: “Why do you shave all your pubes?” I’m like: “Why are you in my bathroom?” “Cause, I enjoy watching you poop.” And I’m like: “Okay no more slumber parties. That’s creepy.” And sure I do it adorable. Both elbows and knees, fingers crossed, chin down. That’s my business. Close the door! I got the Bellagio coming out of my ass, I don’t need an audience. Highbrow poop joke. My father said “Impossible”, I said “Nay”. Top that, Bob Newhart. Do you love goose down feathers? Do you have the trifecta? Mattress pad, pillows, comforter. Oh, it’s like sleeping in heaven. Till that quill comes through the pillowcase and sticks you in the eye. And says: “How’s that feel bitch? Huh? You like sleeping on my carcass? Do you?” Goose why do you hurt so good? Maybe a higher thread count. 600 does the trick. Quit sleeping on 12. That’s hay. Spend the money. It’s 1/3 of your life. Sorry. My nose itched. Hello, Carol Burnett’s daughter. I think I’m too young for that reference and it doesn’t warrant an “Awww”. When I die, which is gonna be in four years. Yay! It’s the only thing I can plan. I’m gonna be cremated from the neck down. Yeah, then at my funeral when people are talking about me they have to hold my head. And then at the end they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least 3 hits or else you have to start the whole service over. And no cradlement. I want legit sets. Anyone seen Karch? Do you guys daydream about being on the Price Is Right as much as I do? Contestants throw the last bid of the sweet spot. What are you gonna do? You’re the last bidder. “One dollar.” Does your hoodie sweatshirt say “I go to the University of I waste my bid”? Because that’s what you just did. That’s dumb. The best bid statistically you have to muster up some courage to go, OK. “I need to know what the highest bid was. “7.” “OK, 7,1.” “Ruined your day, didn’t I, lady? Huh? You got an awfully small window. Hope you nailed it.” I don’t know why you wanna nail it anyway. So you can go onstage, reach into some old guy’s pocket for a hundred-dollar bill? My grandpa used to do that all the time. There was no hundred-dollar bill. There was a whole in his pocket and no underwear on. Excuse me. Don’t you go “Ooh.” My grandpa was a great man. If wanted his balls touched by a little boy he was gonna to get it. He shed blood for your freedoms and don’t you forget it. I think I’m on the wrong side of that one, I get it. You ever said the silent prayer when you see the old lady spinning the wheel hoping once in your lifetime she gets caught underneath and it snaps her back right in half? And a pool of blood comes around and lands on a dollar. Bob starts peeing himself. He can’t hold it. Not at that age. It’s dangerous. So he’s peeing, laughing. “Get up bitch! You have a bonus spin!” Take the bonus spin seriously. What are the greens worth in the bonus spin? 5,000. That is a lot of coin. It’s gonna slow your heart rate down, you gonna bid more effectively in the showdown. Now you’re in the one seat, you gonna bid or pass? Bid or pass? Pass! Pass! Of course. It’s rookie! The first showdown? Carpet, couch, the net set. I’m not on the Queer Price Is Right, am I? I signed up the straight one, yeah. I’m gonna send that South. I’d like the second showdown. That one has a waverunner and a camper. It’s a white-trash starter kit. I know, I know. A lot of you’re like: “We don’t even have a trailer hitch.” Screw you. You’re camping in your driveway. Maybe you can buy an inflatable pool so your kid can drown. Or maybe you can spend more than a hundred dollars on a pool. You’re a horrible parent and I’m glad your grass died. Are we down to six people? Perfect. Okay. “Well, I don’t get the last part. I mean, obviously the last, but what? The grass died? What does that mean?” “Well, if you leave the pool out for a day or so it kills your lawn.” “I rent an apartment.” “That joke’s clearly not for you. Maybe if you’re nice I’ll do a poorer version later.” I won’t. I will not. I heart President Bush. President Bush has done some great things. I don’t know if you’re aware of this but ’07, extending daylight savings time two months longer. Yeah, I’m aboard. Thank you. That’s great. Do you not know this? Next year it’s two months longer. It’s not new months like Recktober and Toyotathon. Which I’m sure he tried. “What are you talking about?” “Nevermind. I’m gonna go to the ranch. I’ll see in seven weeks. That storm cut my last one short.” Okay, first of all day light savings time was created for farmers and there’s only four of them left, so I don’t think they warrant half the calendar year. I say keep it 50/50 but instead of one hour forward, ready? Ready? Five hours forward! Suck it! By the way if you ever have a job where you have to give speeches in front of people pepper in the phrase “Suck it!” Very empowered. Just be: “As you can see from our PowerPoint presentation suck it…” And your clients be: “Did he– did he say suck it? I like this guy. He’s a go-getter.” Okay, I say change from 1 to 5 hours forward because people with 9-to-5 jobs you’ve gotten so selfish and complacent with the daylight. You get it all the time. People that work at night, a third of this country according to a survey I made up for this joke, we get robbed. It’s not fair. Half year. 5 hours forward. Means the sun’s rising at noon. Means I don’t feel like such a piece of shit every morning when I’m waking up. I’m like: “Wow, the sun’s just now coming up? I’m might mail a letter and get groceries today. Time for me to turn his life around. Starting tomorrow. Because today there’s a Laguna Beach marathon on MTV. And I’m gonna get caught up on season 3. Try to figure out why they’re so fucking ugly this year.” And that joke’s not even over! Are you kidding me? And sexually transmitted diseases would drop off completely! Oh, I’ll feed you, baby birds. Do you think I’d leave you with a cliffhanger? That’s not my style. 5 hours forward, think about it. That means the sun’s setting at 2 in the morning. Means, guys you are at a bar, pumping drinks into some girl. You get to bring her outside in the daylight. Yeah, you’d be like: “Noo! I had a lovely time this evening, but I will see your ass back in standard time where you belong.” And she’s like: “Oh, he’ll be back. They always come back for my coochie in the dark.” And you will be like: “Thank you, Daniel and your new daylight savings time. You kept me from having sex with a pterodactyl.” And you don’t want to sleep with a pterodactyl. Not at your place. They have a 14 foot wingspan minimum. They’re knocking everything off your counters. Then you have to go to Target, you’re on a budget. That place gets expensive. You go in there for two things, but then you see the frames. Who can pass up brushed silver? “I say we change all our socket covers, not just the bathroom.” Ah, you see that guy? One guy! That’s why I just kept going till one person was like: “Holy shit! That joke had everything! Oh, my goodness! Do you mind if I recap? There was sex, there was pterodactyls, the knickknacks at target. I was just telling you we should change our socket covers. This guy’s more of a prophet less of a comedian.” You’re welcome. You are welcome, sir. I think we should legalize marijuana in this country. Just so potheads have nothing to talk about ever again. Come on! It does get a little annoying after awhile. Just the: “Hey, you want to get high? – “No.” – “Why not?” “Because I’m not in the seventh grade and I have things to do. Why don’t you grow up and do coke like an adult?” Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Let’s get some meth! No? Alright. Sorry. I went too far. Oh, nothing like tweaking for 3 days. Am I right? I love flip-flops. Do you? Women it’s OK love them. Men? It’s 50/50 right? Because, you’ve been stuck, you’ve been caught, you’ve been at the airport urinal in your flip-flops. Ha! Not the best time. You’re standing there, your feet get a little wet, you haven’t started yet. Now there’s a problem. You got two choices. You can 1 ignore it live that “Kite Runner” shame as long as you can bottle it. Or you can 2 face your attacker, whisper in his ear: “Thank you. That’s what I like before a flight to Phoenix. Get me ready for the heat.” That is a golden shower and “Kite Runner” reference in the same joke. Almost impossible. Almost impossible. I pull it off because I care. Alright. I’m pro-gay marriage. Just the idea of having a man around the house. Finally I get some stuff done. “Let’s go! We got chores this weekend!” “God hates queers!” That’s me pretending to be a right-wing redneck radical protesting. Not double-fisting a black cock. You have to have the right visual or this joke’s gonna hold no weight. “Oh, he’s picketing! Okay, that makes sense.” “That didn’t look like picketing. That last part didn’t look like that.” “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!” Do you wanna know the answer between a religion and gays? Look in the Bible. Look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. We all know who sinned first. Come on ladies. Do you have to eat everything? No, I know. You were hungry. There was a snake talking to you. Stick to that story. That’s scary. If a snake told me: “Eat an apple.” I’d be: “Alright. I didn’t know you could talk! Oh, man. I hope it’s a Granny Smith. I like those. Those are sour. If it’s a Golden Delicious I’m like: “Leave me alone, snake! I’m eating peaches. You talk to me in 2 months when Fuji apples are ready.” And chronologically that joke is accurate. I know a lot about apples. Now we have to be punished for all mankind? Because of you women eating an apple? What was women’s punishment? Do you even know? Painful childbirth, menstrual cycles. Man’s punishment? We have to deal with women. That’s why I get so upset with: “God hates gays!” God doesn’t hate gay people, he’s just upset because they found a loophole in the system. Wouldn’t that upset you if you came up with a great punishment and they’re: “We are just gonna sleep with each other.” Yeah, it’s a lot easier than listening to that: “Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, if I lost a leg would you still love me?” “What? No! A leg? Are you kidding me? That’s a bold move to test our love with a limb. You could’ve started with a fingernail, found out real quick I’m shallow. You lose a leg, I saw a guy on the freeway you’d be perfect for. Matchmaker! Honestly, girls. If there’s any woman in here that ends up dating me and you lose your leg. God forbid, I hope it doesn’t happen. But if you do and we’re dating, the only thing you can be sure of is: I will push you over. All right. I will push over and be like: “You aint’ no Weeble Wobble!” “You aint’ no Weeble Wobble!” My job is so good. That whole joke, that whole stupid long joke is just to get to a point where I can yell: “You ain’t no Weeble Wobble!” I always think it’s funny when guys find out that somebody is pregnant. And you’re a guy and you’re always talking and arguing: “Hey! Bet you hope it’s a boy! Ha? You want a boy? Right? You want a boy?” This is cheesy to say this, but in my heart, honestly, I just hope it’s black. “Thank God! I’m out of here! That was close. Sorry you have to give up on your dreams. I’m gonna go back to being selfish.” Everybody get the joke? It’s not my kid. Because I’m white. I know! Oh. You guys waited. “Is he white? Oh, he is white!” That joke is safe after all. You ever notice when people talk about where they live is a good place to raise kids what they’re trying to say is: “Where I live is really segregated.” Little too close to home for you Orange County? Got it. Got it. You definitely win that round. I didn’t have a privileged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into my yard. You don’t hear a four when you’re mowing. Nothing runs like a Deere, till there’s a Titleist lodged in your carburetor. Public golf course. Way to aim for the middle, dad! Thank you. That joke actually hurts to say, but I can do it. I think this country is ready for another Civil War. Because these NASCAR fans are out of control. Oh, there’s the line. I’ve drawn it. Pick your side. Let’s do battle. I hate NASCAR and I hate hunting. Let’s combine them. Every year at Daytona 500 we release thousands of deer on the infield. Let him roam wherever they want. No restrictor plates at this race. I want top speed. 215 plus. They’re hitting deer. They’re exploding. People in the front row they’re treating it like a Gallagher show with plastic, you know. As guts come flying over the wall. Some lucky toothless broad jumps up: “I got antlers from Jr. This is the best day of my life! Y’all wanna see my titties?” What? No. Ok. Now if we can just incorporate spousal abuse it will be like a redneck triathlon. By the way, everything I say is wrong. I get it. I don’t– I’m a complete hypocrite. I’ve dated girls with boob jobs, breast enlargement. But, she was an A cup. That’s gross. Get it fixed, girl. You’re not even real woman. I know. You wanna scream at me, but you can’t. Because your training bra’s too tight. Now, she didn’t go overboard like a lot of girls do. She got a nice full double D. Classy. She had a 5’3 frame. It worked. She put squeak toys in there, I thought that was a wonderful decision. She was a clown, so it was a tax write-off. She was a sad face clown. I could never tell if she was really happy. I’d be in the bedroom for hours: “Are you there yet, Snickers? And she’d just be… “Well, could you untie my penis out of a puddle? It’s really starting to hurt.” That’s how clowns blow you. I don’t know how to do it. It’s an Asian method. And by Asia, I’m mean eastern Russia. None of that Indonesia stuff which involves a pinky around back. I don’t like it. I do like it, but on stage I say I don’t. I’m not an open book. “Guy had sex with clown. That’s disgusting. I mean it’s awesome.” No, it’s not, guy who’s still high fives. Soon as you take off the wig, the funny shoes, she’s just like any other retarded girl. I loved her. Supported her. She was in the Olympics. The ones you’re not suppose to laugh at. But when you watch the hurdles, they knock over every single one. You start to giggle. Now you’re going to hell. That’s not fair. They’re supposed to be athletes. Reube in lane 6 is chewing on the second hurdle. Sorry, I found that funny. I’ll tell you what’s not funny. They sell those foam hands “You’re number 1” except they’re shaped like that. How does that build character? Thank you. People that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone. But I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh, feel shitty about themselves. Because, you’re all hypocrites. Televise the special winter Olympics. You’re not gonna watch? Really? “Is that guy’s standing up in the bobsled? Oh, yeah. Does he know the tunnel’s coming? Why did he pick today not to wear the helmet?” “You don’t make fun of me. I’m a handicap.” I agree with you balcony. Even though you sound like half a tard to begin with. Maybe you shouldn’t be the group spokesperson. You don’t. For many reasons. First of all they have the strength of 10 men. Which is equivalent to one chimpanzee. That’s why if you ever see retarded chimpanzee you turn and run. Okay? Because, that thing is a borderline superhero. But, Hollywood on their moral high horse, they won’t make movies about a retarded chimp. Unless of course you count a Vin Diesel movie. Which I do. Which I do. And in all fairness to me, if you’re a Vin Diesel fan, you shouldn’t be here watching me, anyway. You should be at home coloring, praying your next one gets on the refrigerator. But it won’t, because elephants aren’t orange, you idiot. Thanks a lot you guys. Have a good night.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

JIM JEFFERIES E IL CONTROLLO DELLE ARMI IN AMERICA

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-e-il-controllo-della-armi-in-america/

Il comico australiano Jim Jefferies ridicolizza l’ossessione americana per le armi nel suo speciale BARE Netflix (2014) Ciò di cui parlerò ora dividerà il pubblico. Ah! Controllo delle armi! Ora… Aspettate… non scaldatevi, perché qui c’è gente con la pistola. Quelli contro le armi diranno: “Si’ Jim, forza!” No, dai shhh! Ora, prima di parlarne, voglio dire una cosa: sono per il diritto, da americani, di tenere armi. Non vieterei di tenerle. Quello che dico è solo la mia personale opinione. La mia opinione sul… oh, non importa! Non mi piacciono le armi. Ok? Parlerò solo di fatti. Ok? In Australia una volta potevamo tenerle. Fino al 1996, quando in Australia c’è stata la più grande strage di sempre e che è ancora imbattuta! Ora, dopo aver proibito le armi… Nei 10 anni prima della strage di Port Arthur, ci sono state 10 stragi. Dalla proibizione delle armi nel 1996, non ci sono state stragi. Non so come e perché sia stato possibile. Forse una coincidenza, no? Ora, voglio che sappiate che capisco che Australia e USA hanno popoli e culture differenti. Ok? Capisco. In Australia c’è stata la strage più grande della storia e il Governo ha detto: “Basta! Niente più armi!” E noi: “Ok, bene. Ci sembra giusto!” Ora, in America c’è stata la strage di Sandy Hook, in cui morirono dei bambini piccoli, e il vostro Governo ha detto: “Forse…. “dovremmo sbarazzarci delle armi grandi!” E il 50% di voi ha detto: “Fanculo! Non toccate le mie armi!” È qui che la cosa comincia diventare ambigua, ok? Io appoggio i diritti derivanti dal Secondo Emendamento. Penso dobbiate tenere le vostre armi. È nella Costituzione. Ciò che non condivido sono le motivazioni del cazzo e le bugie. C’è una motivazione sola per tenere un’arma ed è questa: “Fanculo, mi piacciono le armi!” Non è la migliore delle ragioni, ma è l’unica, e non c’è nulla di sbagliato nel dire “Mi piace questo e non toglietemelo!”, ma non ditemi altre cazzate. La principale è: “Mi serve per protezione!” “Devo proteggere me e la mia famiglia!” Davvero? Ecco perché si chiamano fucili d’assalto! Mai sentito parlare di fucili da protezione. Protezione? Di che cazzo stai parlando? Tu… hai una pistola in casa tua. È all’80% più probabile che la utilizzi contro te stesso che contro qualcun altro. La gente pensa: “Non succederà certo a me!” Non lo sapete. Sapete perché? ♪ Di tanto in tanto, tutti diventiamo tristi… ♪ ♪ Un giorno sei felice, poi sei triste e poi… ops! ♪ Protezione? Una volta a Manchester entrarono in casa mia, mi legarono, mi fecero un taglio in testa, minacciarono di violentare la mia ragazza. Erano entrati dalla finestra con un machete e un martello. Gli americani dicono sempre: “Immagina se avessi avuto una pistola”. Io gli direi: “Beh… “Ero nudo in quel momento! “non indossavo la mia fondina. “Non ero li a fissare fuori dalla finestra, “aspettando che arrivasse un coglione col machete”. Ok? Che cazzo di mondo è quello in cui si vive sempre sull’attenti? Cazzo! Avete armi perché vi piacciono. Ecco perché andate alle convention sulle armi o perché leggete riviste sulle armi, non vi frega un cazzo della sicurezza domestica. Nessuno di voi va alle convention sulla sicurezza domestica, nessuno legge riviste come “Amo il mio lucchetto!” Nessuno ha delle foto su Facebook dietro una porta blindata con voi che fate: “Cazzo, si!” Come se foste sempre pronti in caso entrassero in casa vostra. Ad ogni modo, gran parte di quelli che entrano in casa tua vuole solo la tua cazzo di TV. Pensate che entrino a uccidere la tua famiglia? Quanti cazzo di nemici avete? Cristo, avete una gran considerazione di voi se pensate che stiano venendo ad ammazzarvi. Se state sempre sull’attenti, diventa sempre meno sicuro. Se tenete l’arma nel comodino, uno dei vostri bambini la prende, crede sia un giocattolo e spara all’altro vostro bambino. Succede ogni cazzo di giorno. Penserete: “Non succederà mai a casa mia. “Perché io sono responsabile. Tengo la mia pistola “in una cassetta di sicurezza”. Allora non protegge un cazzo! Qualcuno entra in casa tua e tu: “Aspetta qui, faccia di cazzo!” “Ooh! Sei entrato nella casa sbagliata amico mio!” “Sai che ti dico?” “Sei fottuto eh! Ok?” “È 32 a sinistra o 32 a destra?” “Il compleanno di tua madre? “Perché cazzo dovrei sapere quand’è il compleanno di tua madre?” “Forse se non avessi lasciato la finestra aperta “perché c’è troppo caldo, “non ci starebbero per uccidere ora, ok?” Credo che l’NRA sia incorreggibile. Pensano che la soluzione sia sempre “più armi”. Dopo la strage di Sandy Hook, l’NRA disse, e vi cito le esatte parole: “Non sarebbe successo “se gli insegnanti avessero avuto armi!” Io… Credo che si siano dimenticati di come sia la scuola. Qualcuno ricorda le supplenti? Ogni volta che arrivava una supplente tu e i tuoi compagni pensavate: “Oh oh oh! La faremo piangere!” E lei stava li di fronte alla classe con un gesso e la mano tremolante… E voi: “Non si sposerà mai, vero prof.? “Non si sposerà mai!” E tornava alla sua Volkswagen Beetle del 1967 e piangeva sul volante. “Perché non gli piaccio?” “Diamo a questa stronza una pistola e vediamo come cambia la situazione!” E allora dicono: “La soluzione sarebbe: più pistole” e poi: “Mettiamo una guardia armata in ogni scuola d’America. “Funzionerà!” Le guardie in America prendono in media 16 dollari l’ora. Non un granché per fare l’eroe, cazzo! Qualcuno arriva a scuola e… Ma c’è Kevin. Ora, sono sicuro che Kevin è un drago a Call of Duty, ma potrebbe non uscirne vivo, signore e signori. Capisco che con questa battuta, 50% di voi è d’accordo e l’altro 50% non lo è e rispetto le persone che non sono d’accordo, davvero. Del 50% di quelli che non sono d’accordo, il 20% è abbastanza sveglio da capire che è comicità da non prendere sul serio e ride perché sono battute divertenti, ok? E un altro 20% è già un po’ oltre e, guardandosi intorno, pensa: “Perché hanno messo quel lampadario proprio lassù?” Poi… C’è l’ultimo 10%… Sono fottutamente furiosi! Ora, in questa sala e tra la gente a casa il 10% di voi sta bollendo di rabbia per un paio di ragioni: la prima, faccio giuste osservazioni. La seconda: la seconda, questa è la più importante. Sono straniero. E questo vi fa uscire di testa, cazzo! E il vostro cervello è in loop. E non potete spegnerlo, cazzo! Vi ripete: “Se non ti sta bene tornatene a casa! Se non ti sta bene tornatene a casa!” E la mia risposta è: “No”. Sono qui legalmente, pago le tasse, dico quel cazzo che voglio! Il vostro Primo Emendamento dice che posso dire che il Secondo fa schifo al cazzo! A meno che non siate Indiani d’America, siete immigrati anche voi, quindi vaffanculo! Fate così gli splendidi su questo. Capisco che per gli americani la Costituzione sia importantissima. Lo rispetto, ma capite che ogni altro Paese ne ha una e che non è più speciale delle altre costituzioni. Ne abbiamo una anche in Australia. Non so cosa dica… Non l’ho mai letta, ma se c’è un problema la ricontrolliamo e tutto torna a posto. Non fraintendetemi, so che la Costituzione è importante per voi. Io… cazzo, l’ho capito, ok? Delle persone mi hanno affrontato e urlato in faccia in un parcheggio, mentre andavo via dopo lo spettacolo. Dicevano: [imita l’accento americano] “Non puoi cambiare il Secondo Emendamento!” E io: “Certo che si può… “Si chiama emendamento”. Se non si può cambiare un emendamento… Vedete, molti di voi hanno bisogno di un Thesaurus più che di una Costituzione. E se non sapete cos’è un Thesaurus, prendete un dizionario e lavorateci su. Non pensate che la vostra Costituzione sia scolpita nella pietra, l’avete già cambiata varie volte. C’era il proibizionismo prima, no? Poi la gente ha detto: “Ehi! A chi piace sbronzarsi a merda?” “Si, anche a me piace sbronzarmi a merda. “Leviamo quella parte” “Leviamola!” Avevate anche un’altra cosa in America chiamata… schiavitù! Poi arrivò Lincoln e disse: “Basta! “Niente più schiavi!” E il 50% di voi disse: “Fanculo, non toccare i miei schiavi!” E diedero motivazioni del cazzo, simili a quelle sulle armi. “Perché mi dovreste togliere gli schiavi? “Sono un padrone responsabile, “so benissimo come utilizzare i miei schiavi senza rischi. “Solo perché un altro ha trattato male i suoi schiavi, “non vuol dire che dobbiate togliermi il diritto di averli. “Uso i miei schiavi per proteggere la mia famiglia. “Tengo i miei schiavi “chiusi in una cassetta di sicurezza!” Questo è il punto: “Perché mi togliete la pistola? “Non ho fatto nulla di sbagliato!” Senti, sono d’accordo. Se sei un proprietario responsabile e non fai cazzate, dovresti poter tenere la pistola. Ma la nostra società non funziona così. Dobbiamo convivere con quell’1% di persone che incasina tutto, anche agli altri. Dobbiamo progredire lentamente, quanto le persone più lente, per poter mandare avanti la società, ok? Io assumo droghe come un cazzo di campione! Ok? Dovremmo tutti poter assumere delle cazzo di droghe, ma non possiamo, perché Sarah si è strafatta e ha accoltellato i suoi cazzo di figli. Ah! Ah, grazie Sarah, ci hai fottuto tutti! Tutti dovrebbero poter guidare la propria macchina quanto più veloce possibile, ma non possiamo, perché Jonathan si è ubriacato e ha investito una famiglia. Grazie Jonathan! Ora devo guidare a 30 mph, merdoso idiota! Vedete, questo è il punto: “Perché dovete togliermi le armi, sono responsabile. “Solo perché quel tipo è pazzo?” Chi dice che tu non sia pazzo? Succede questo con la gente pazza. Non sanno di essere pazzi. È questo che li rende pazzi! L’unica cosa che sappiamo su questa Terra è: “Penso quindi sono!” Sapete di esistere. Ogni altra cosa è aperta a interpretazioni. Ok? Sapete di esistere e basta. Ora penso di essere a Boston e di parlare a 1200 persone. Credo questo. Ma c’è una grossa possibilità che io sia in un manicomio, di fronte a un muro bianco e che stia dicendo: “Odio le armi! Odio le armi! Odio le armi!” Uno degli argomenti migliori è: “Bene, se ci togliete le armi, allora solo i criminali avranno le armi”. Non è vero! Quando hanno vietato le armi in Australia ha funzionato. Quando l’hanno fatto in Inghilterra ha funzionato. La pistola Bushmaster che il ragazzino ha usato a Sandy Hook costa 1.000 dollari americani e la si può comprare al Walmart, te la spediscono a casa, ed è fatta! 1.000 verdoni, ok? La stessa pistola, in Australia, al mercato nero, costa 34.000 dollari. Ora, se hai 34.000 dollari, non hai bisogno di essere un criminale. Hai 34.000 dollari, sei un gran piccolo risparmiatore, continua così. Questo contrasta i criminali, ma non quelli che vogliono uccidere te e la tua famiglia. Potrebbe anche contrastare i responsabili delle stragi perché… Il ragazzo in Colorado che credeva di essere Joker, diciamo che a livello sociale aveva dei problemini. Al ragazzo di Sandy Hook, l’Asperger se l’era già fottuto. Ok? Non so se conoscete bene il mercato nero, ma non puoi irrompere al molo dicendo: “Pistole!” “Chi mi vuole vendere una pistola?” Ok, basta così, non parliamone più! L’unica cosa che posso capire del diritto a tenere armi è che la vera ragione per cui fu messo nero su bianco era il poter formare una milizia per poter combattere i governi tirannici. In caso il governo fosse diventato una squadra di stronzi, tu potevi tirare fuori la pistola e sparare. Con questo sono d’accordo! Si! Questo aveva dannatamente senso quando c’erano solo moschetti. Ma sapete? I governi hanno i droni! Capito? State portando pistole in una battaglia di droni! Se tornassimo tutti ai moschetti, ok! Teniamo il Secondo Emendamento! Se tutti avessimo moschetti… I moschetti sono fantastici! Ogni stronzo dovrebbe avere con sé un moschetto tutto il giorno. Sapete cosa mi piace dei moschetti? Ti danno un sacco di tempo per darti una calmata! Qualcuno chiama tua moglie “cicciona” e tu: “Fanculo, amico!” “Ah, non sei poi così cattivo!”

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Saturday Night News with George Carlin [11/10/1984] – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/saturday-night-news-with-george-carlin-11-10-1984-transcript/

…..George Carlin …..Pamela Stephenson …..Gary Kroeger Lew Goldman…..Billy Crystal Announcer: And now, “Saturday Night News”, with guest anchorperson George Carlin. George Carlin: Thank you, Don Pardo. Our top story tonight: The crew of the NASA space shuttle Discovery spent their fourth day in orbit posing for television pictures and waving at relatives. However they got a great view of the Earth. As they flew over North America, they learned the results of Tuesday’s election. [shows view of the North America from space drawn like a map of the United States and Canada, with Minnesota is highlighted in red] Kinda makes you feel humble, doesn’t it? George Carlin: And now, a Saturday Night News commentary. Pamela Stephenson: Hi, I’m Pamela Stephenson, and I’m new on the show. Um.. I came from England to do “Saturday Night Live”, in fact. Now, I love America. Please don’t get me wrong, but.. well, I have noticed that American men have a fondness.. well, let’s be absolutely frank, okay? They have an absolute obsession about women’s breasts. They seem to have a lot of trouble maintaining eye contact with me, and I find it a little disconcerting. So what I thought I’d do is introduce you to my breasts. You know, just sort of point out their various features and invite you men to stare at them for a while, and.. just get that right out of the way so you can start treating me like an intelligent person. [takes off her jacket, revealing her breasts are large and the nipples are sticking out] Okay, so um.. here they are. I admit they’re just a little bit larger than average. I can balance a couple of tubs of Haagen-Daas on them, that’s a clear advantage, but.. um.. [camera zooms in on her breasts, as she points to the right one] This is the right one, and.. [points to the left one] ..this is the left one.. [points to her nipples] ..and of course, they both have.. uh.. well, since I’m on American television, I guess I’d better say they are the customary bumpy things on the end. So, you know what I’m talking about. So, that’s all there is. You can look up now. [snaps fingers at cameraman, signaling for him to pan up to her face] Hi? Hello? Fine, um.. I trust I’ve kinda de-mystified the situation now so you can see me as just what I am – a normal, real person, and I hope, a pal. Okay.. [she doesn’t notice her left breast move slowly up and down] ..now another observation I’ve made about American men is their uncomfortable behavior when they walk small dogs. Sometimes, the size of the dogs to them indicates something about their individual.. [notices her left breast is up – it quickly moves down] ..virility. Most men would rather be seen walking a massive cow than a dog. In fact.. [left breast keeps moving up and down, Pamela holds in down] ..most men who take a small dog for a walk only do so after dark.. [breasts pull her around in circles, screaming, as she is thrown over the desk] George Carlin: [calling to Pamela] Thanks! Thanks a lot, Pam! I’ll see you later, huh? Maybe we’ll go out for a milkshake! Well, the race for the 1988 Democratic nominations started last Wednesday, the day after the election. Possibilities include: New York governor Mario Cuomo, who says that as ridiculous as it sounds, an Italian male can run for national office; Colorado senator Gary Hart, who may be hard to beat, unless of course, you’re Walter Mondale; and the perennial possibility, Senator Ted Kennedy, but Teddy says he has as much intention of running as he has of driving his car off a bridge. The Republican possibilities are really interesting: Senator Howard Baker, Senator Robert Dole, Representative Jack Kemp, and Vice President George “Kick a little” Bush. Not a lot of charisma here. But warming up in the coliseum bullpen, old Ben-Hur himself, Charlton Heston, who plans to start out by running for the senate in 1986. Political consultants say Heston is the perfect replacement for Ronald Reagan. He’s from California, he’s an aging actor, and he too worked with monkeys in The Planet of the Apes. That’s not all. Charlton Heston was Moses, remember? He led his people out of Egypt, parted the waters of the Red Sea, received the Ten Commandments, and delivered his sermon on the mountain. And his slogan is, “Let’s win one for the altar cocker.” But don’t forget a lot depends on who he picks for vice president. Right now it’s a toss-up between Robert Cummings and Buddy Ebsen. Right now I’m willing to just wait and see. George Carlin: Controversy his risen regarding the distribution of tax dollars toward medical research, specifically which programs received the aid and which programs are virtually ignored. Here to comment on this is Saturday Night News corresponder Gary Kroger. Gary Kroeger: [Painfully] Thank you, George. I would like to call attention to a disease called “spot bleeding”. Now that is when your chest starts to bleed in five or six different places, and the pain is unbearable. And yet nothing is being done about this. I am uniquely concerned because.. [pulls off jacket, revealing his shirt has several small blood stains] ..I am a spot bleeder. [writhes in pain] Millions of dollars are spent on cancer research and related projects which is fine, but no one in the medical community is doing anything about spot bleeding! There are no research foundations, nothing in medical journals, and I demand an explanation! George Carlin: Gary, can I ask you something? Gary Kroeger: Yeah. George Carlin: Is that a brand new shirt? Gary Kroeger: Yeah, why? George Carlin: You have to take the pins out of it before you put it on. Gary Kroeger: [Realizing he didn’t take out the pins] Oh. George Carlin: The straight pins. You have to take them out first. Gary Kroeger: [embarrassed, removes shirt pins where the blood stains are] This is rather embarrassing.. George Carlin: You’re a moron, Kroger. Back to the news. This morning, officials at the state department and the Pentagon are denying rumors that the United States is planning to invade Nicaragua. President Reagan could not be reached for comment; he’s holed up in his ranch in Santa Barbara trying to memorize his lines for his next term of office. George Carlin: And now, to tell us what’s happening in the world of sports, here is the inimitable Lew Goldman. Someone in the Audience: Lew! Lew! Lew Goldman: Shut up, you idiots! Where are you, at Yankee Stadium? Huh? [clears throat ] Put a jacket on! And now, here is the sports report just for my family: For my sister Rose in Miami, the Dolphins are playing the Eagles, and you shouldn’t worry, Rose. Miami will win again. They keep winning because they’re afraid to get the old people upset. [clears throat] My prediction: [prediction appears on screen] Philadelphia, you should live so long! For my son Lester, an orthodontist who lives in Washington, and makes more money than God, but can’t go to the Redskins game this weekend because he has a virus, which is not surprising, because orthodontists spend half their life with their face in somebody’s mouth, my prediction: [prediction appears on screen] Detroit, I’m nauseous from you already! [clears throat] And for my other son, Stanley, the bigshot, who moved to Kansas City.. [points at his head, indicating craziness] ..where his in-laws have him wrapped around their pinkies, my prediction: [prediction appears on screen] Stanley will not come home for Thanksgiving. And finally, here in New York, the Giants are playing Tampa Bay. My prediction: [prediction appears on screen as “Who cares? What’s so important?”] Who cares? They moved to New Jersey! What the hell am I, ten years old? I got to go to a game? [clears throat] Enough of this sports stuff! I hate it! George Carlin: Thank you, thank you, Lew. Lew Goldman: What? George Carlin: That’s the news. Good night.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

GEORGE CARLIN: RELIGION IS BULLSHIT [TRANSCRIPT]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-religion-is-bullshit/

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit! But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up. Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would’ve been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say “this guy”, because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results. So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn’t give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can’t see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I’m big on that. If I can see something, I don’t know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we’re not setting people on fire simply because they don’t agree with us. Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I’m unworthy. Doesn’t tell me I’m a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn’t said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don’t pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn’t presume on our friendship. It’s not polite. I’ve often thought people treat God rather rudely, don’t you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It’s not nice. And it’s no way to treat a friend. But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you’d really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you’d have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan? Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn’t in God’s Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn’t it seem a little arrogant? It’s a Divine Plan. What’s the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan? And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It’s all very confusing. So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don’t pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he’s a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn’t fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat. So I’ve been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don’t. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit’s foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles, it’s all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself. And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that’s a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I’m sure you’ll like that. Then there’s Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn’t care for, by the way. And finally, I’ve always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.” That’s because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I’m gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody’s okay? All right, tell you what, I’ll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I’ve got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I’m blind. I’m blind, oh, now I’m okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You! George Carlin, from the album You Are All Diseased, 1999

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COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS: DANIEL TOSH (2003) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/comedy-central-presents-daniel-tosh-2003-full-transcript/

Comedy Central, Season 7, Episode 23 One, two, three, four… Announcer: From New York City, comedy central presents: Daniel Tosh: Thank you. You guys are ready to go. I hope you don’t mind if I just warm up a little bit first, just a couple of these. There you go. All right. You remember that exercise in P.E. Class? Have you ever done it in your life since? [Laughter] The answer’s no. You ever woke up in the morning, said, “you know what I need to do today? Some a these.” Yeah. There you go. That feels great. Now the other way. Well, that’s awfully tricky. [Laughter] We wonder why we have a weight problem as a nation. I’m pretty sure this isn’t cuttin’ it. [Laughter] Oh, this is a great job. People applaud when I go to work. Yeah. That’s a lot better than your job. I mean it– don’t get me wrong. It’s not like a rock star, where people lose their minds screamin’. Could you imagine that at your job? Going in, “hey, how’s it going, Kelly? Listen, I’m gonna need that memo on my desk by noon.” “No! Oh! Oh, God, I got sumthin’ from ‘ya! [Laughter] “Well, thanks, but I’m gonna still need that on my desk.” I don’t even know what women do in there. That’s witchcraft. That’s voodoo as far as I’m concerned. It takes me two hands, a pair of pliers. Three hours later, I’m pleadin’ for some teamwork. Now you can reach in here and grab your panties, for cryin’ out loud. The heck is going on down there? Do you have a magic midget runnin’ up and down your back, unhookin’ stuff? What, do you give him a crouton and then he disappears? [Laughter] I don’t know how the magic midgets work. I recently bought a pair of cargo pants. I don’t even cargo. Yeah…They don’t even check at the register. Anybody can buy those. They got all the pockets down the leg. Then one day I’m walking down the street, and I said to myself, “Daniel, this is not how your father raised you. You’re wastin’ space.” So I started to collect change from that day forward. Yeah, I have a five gallon jar at my house like to fill with change. I don’t stop till I reach the tiptop. And then a little bell goes off, and I know cargo pant day is here at last. And I dance. [Laughter] Yeah. And I put the cargo pants on with a belt, extra tight because I don’t wanna have an embarrassing situation on such a great day. And I fill up all the pockets with the change. And then I get a car alarm. Not a car alarm with a car, just the car alarm. And I hold it to my chest really closely. And then I go walk around the streets of Manhattan, and I wait for the first homeless person to come up to me and say, “hey, you got any spare change?” Then I set the car alarm off. [Car alarm sounding] You hit the jackpot, mofo! [Laughter and applause] Oh, and then I start throwin’ all the change. And that hurts. But he doesn’t care because he won. So he’s jumpin’ up and down. “I won! I won! Call the pit boss.” And I’m like, “calm down, smelly. I don’t have to.” It’s under $400. And that’s how Oktoberfest started. [Laughter] Yes. That is a true story. [Cheering and applause] Sometimes when I’m home alone, i feel sad, and i feel like nuthin’ in my life is going right. So i like to take a home pregnancy test. [Laughter] Yeah. That way I can utter the phrase, “hey, at least I’m not pregnant.” And I realize better days are right around the corner. I’m not very good with people, either. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. Yeah, and I’d be like, “hey, I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “whatever, queer.” Look, that’s not nice at all. [Laughter continues] You think it’s trendy for young kids in Japan to get tattoos of words written in English? [Laughter] Huh? Do you think they’re walking around over there, “hey, Kim, check this out. I just got it yesterday. It means love and water.” [Laughter] Oh, that’s sexy. Nah. I don’t like tattoos. I know my generation loves to get ’em. I’m not a fan. My friends try to always sell me on ’em. They’re like, “tattoos, that’s an artistic expression.” I’m like, “wow, because it looks like a butterfly above your cooter. [Laughter] But i guess in your circle, that’s art.” I think if you’re gonna get a tattoo, just get one, the words, “I’m dumb,” that’s it. That way, in ten years, when you go, “why did I get this? You can be like, “oh. I’m dumb.” [Laughter] “Me not talkie no more.” [Laughter] I live in Los Angeles. Girls in Los Angeles like to say this. “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” Ooh. I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.” [Laughter and applause] Yeah. All right. [Cheering] I know a lot of you think I’m kinda crazy. I am. I have voices in my head. But they speak in Spanish, and i have no idea what they’re saying. [Laughter] That’s irritating. I wish one of ’em would get a job. They’re my voices, don’t worry about ’em. What’s a good time for me? I’ll tell ‘ya. My favorite robe, some yogurt, and an episode of trading spaces. Oh. Then I’m in heaven. [Cheering] Do you love Trading Spaces? I do– I would never be on that show, though. You wanna know why? ‘Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. [Laughter] They do not have my best interest at heart. ‘Cause it’s always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer comin’ in, going, “oh, my goodness, I love this place. This is what I’m thinking for your friend’s house. Circus tent. Big circus tent. [Laughter] Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?” “Oh, yeah, he’d love a circus tent.” [Laughter] “No, no, no, yeah. Why don’t you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt. That way, the ponies will feel at home.” “Great. We’re under budget.” Now I’m a lousy piece a ass, and I should know. I’ve been there almost every time. Well, but it’s not my fault. I never got a “birds and the bees” speech as a child. I remember the closest thing I ever got. One time my dad was cooking breakfast. He’s like, “son, you better listen up, ’cause I’m only gonna say this one time.” He was in the fugees. [Laughter] Thanks. “Sex is a lot like this egg.” I’m like, “egg? Dad, i think that’s drugs.” [Laughter] “Whatever, queer.” “Why is everyone saying that?” “Just listen, all right?” “First thing I do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then you gotta take her, crack over the head, and lay her out flat, all right? Come on, now. Wait till she starts sizzlin’ really good. Then you can flip her on over. There you go. Yeah. Oh. Don’t get too excited, or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.” [Laughter] What’s going on? Oh. Ooh, that’s a gross– no, it’s not. That’s a breakfast joke. That’s the most important joke of the day. Yeah, if you don’t laugh at that, you’re gonna get sleepy around 11:30. And you’ll be like, “why am I so tired?” Maybe not. I was dating this girl. She got a boob job, a breast enlargement. But she puts squeak toys in ’em. [Laughter] Yeah. And I’m like [Squeaking] ah! She was a clown, so it was a tax write-off. Ah, the floor is lava! [Sighs] I almost got burned there. Well, yeah, you don’t know what that is? Fine, I don’t care. That’s a game I used to play as a child, the floor is lava. It’s when you’d climb on all the furniture in your house, and you couldn’t touch the floor. Yeah, you might have called it something completely different, but it meant the same thing. You were poor. [Laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause I remember going, “mom, I would like a Nintendo.” And she’s like “the floor’s lava.” I’m like, “what the hell is wrong with our house?” “Why can’t we afford carpet?” It’s called two jobs, bitch. No. That’s how I used to talk. I was very street. All right, maybe not. I uh…I’m gonna be a horrible father. But I know this. And I don’t have any kids. So I think that’s pretty good. Trust me, I have a lot of friends like, “I’m gonna make a great dad.” Wow, because you’re a complete loser now. You know I’m not against responsibility. I’m actually looking into legally adopting a granddaughter. [Laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause being a grandpa is cool, and it’s really easy. It’ll be awesome. I’ll adopt some cute little 14-year old girl. And she’ll be like, “hey, dad, thanks for adopt– ” I’m like, “whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m your grandpa.” And she’ll be like, “oh. Well, see ‘ya at Christmas.” Couple years go by. She’s in college. Comes home with some of her friends. Be like, “hey, girls. Why don’t you come over here and sit on grandpa’s lap.” Then she’ll be like, “oh, grandpa.” Because you never report grandpa for being creepy. [Laughter] Life is what you make it. Have you heard that? Yeah. Do you live it? You don’t. I live it. I have a great life. My friends think it’s so much better than it really is. Why? Because i make it better. That’s right. You wanna know where I’m working next week? Hawaii. Yeah. I’m gonna be in Hawaii. All right, really, I’m gonna be in New Bern, North Carolina. Yeah. But in my mind– [laughter] I’m going to Hawaii. And you can do it, too. And it is a lot cheaper. [Laughter] Any time you’re going someplace that you don’t wanna go, just pretend you’re going to Hawaii. Pack a bunch of flowered shirts, jump off the plane, be like, “aloha, everybody. [Chuckles] Where’s my lei?” “You’re in trouble.” Order tropical drinks all week. When you get home, your friends’ll be like, “hey, we’ve never been to Hawaii. How was it?” And just be like, “eh– was all right.” I even took my girlfriend last week to Paris. The whole time she’s like, “this looks a lot like Birmingham, Alabama.” And I’m like, “shut up, Britney Spears.” And she’s like, “quit calling me Britney Spears.” And I’m like “no one talks to “the rock” like that, bitch.” [Laughter and applause] Yeah. [Cheering] Which is really funny, because i don’t have a girlfriend. [Laughter] That was just some lady on the bus. She did not smell what i was cooking. [Laughter] Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European. [Laughter] It’s not fun to fly, I’ll tell ‘ya. I have one of those cell phones with the ear-piece that hangs straight down. So when you talk, you look like you’re crazy. Everybody eavesdrops on your conversation. They don’t want to. They’re forced to because you project right onto the air. So when i get a phone call at the airport, I’ll admit it. I like to have a little fun. Go ahead. [Laughter] Gate 47 is completely clear. People notice in a hurry. “Honey, something’s going on. That guy has a wire hanging down. Maybe we shouldn’t be standing right– ” “stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!” “Honey, there is a sting going on here at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please let’s– “stand down, blue team! Don’t– hold on, the suspect’s approaching. He’s in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.” And i find some random businessman. I run, i just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping. “Thank you for making our airways safe.” And then i go get on my plane. And that guy’s just got a weird story to tell for the rest of his life. [Laughter] Yeah. He’s like “I’m never going back to Los Angeles again. I was at the airport a couple days ago, and this guy came outta nowhere. And he just beat me up.” [Laughter] “And everybody just clapped. [Laughter] What is wrong with those people?” I think boxers are the greatest athletes of all sports, for the simple fact that they don’t cry. That is mind blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh, my gosh, it hurts so bad. [Laughter] They have to go back to a corner where some little man yells at ’em. “Shut up, i just got punched in the face.” [Laughter] “Yeah, i know, dodge and punch more. It is a very simple concept.” If i was a boxer, you know who i would hire for my corner man? My mom. [Laughter] At least she could make me feel good on the inside. “I don’t wanna fight anymore.” “Who’s my big boy? [Laughter] You are. Yes, you– do you want me to call his parents? No? Okay, then dry those tears, pussy, that’s why dad left.” Cannibalism is a horrible scenario. I’m not gonna argue with you. But if you had to eat another human being to survive, do you think they taste like their ethnic background? [Laughter] Do you think Mexicans are spicy? [Laughter] Do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into one? You can start laughing now. I’m gonna do everybody in here. [Laughter] Chinese people, are you hungry 30 minutes later for more? [Laughter] Let’s go, everybody. Black people– taste like chicken. [Laughter] All’s fair, all’s fair. White people? All right, you don’t eat white people. I’m sorry, i don’t make the rules. [Laughter] Do you at least understand why i end the joke that way? Because it’s so funny to make a room full of white people uncomfortable. “Oh, see, we laughed at black people taste like chicken, ’cause we kinda thought you were gonna throw one in our direction. And now you pretty much hung us out to dry.” It’s just a joke. What if that joke is the reason i don’t get into heaven? Like i get up to heaven, find out God’s black. Yeah. He comes walking up to me. “Ah, that joke wasn’t funny, mother(Bleep). Lemme tell you sumpin’, that black people taste like chicken. White people taste like macaroni and cheese, bitch.” [Laughter and applause] All right. Calm down, crackers, this ain’t a rally. I don’t want anyone gettin’ the wrong idea. I know– that– i doubt God’s usin’ that kinda language. And that’s a very stereotypical voice i used for an African-American. I apologize. How many black comics have you heard in your lifetime go, “you know white people. Hi, Bob, how are you? Good, tom, thanks for askin’.” [Laughter] I don’t sound like that at all. That’s very offensive. I do that joke one night– and of course a white lady came running up to me after the show. She goes, “what gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that?” I’m like, “listen, lady. My best friend is Cuban, and that’s close enough.” [Laughter] Yeah. She was like, “oh, I’m sorry.” [Laughter] Does everybody hopefully their wjd bracelets on? Do you know what that is, everybody? ‘What would Jesus do?’ They’re not magical. They’re just a reminder to be a better person, to live a better life. It’s true. ‘Cause i was wearing my bracelet recently, and i was in the movie theater. This guy’s cell phone went off. Don’t you just hate that? Yeah. And I’m like, “woo.” And then he picked it up. “Hey, how’s it going? I’m in a movie.” And I’m like, “hey, get off the phone.” And he’s like, “mind your own business.” And i almost went crazy. But then i looked at my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So i lit him on fire and sent him to hell. [Laughter] Yeah, i did. [Cheers and applause] I’ll be honest, i felt a lot better afterwards. Those things work. Money doesn’t buy happiness. That phrase should end with, “just kidding.” [Laughter] Good. I’m not a good sport. I’ll admit it. I don’t enjoy watching other people succeed. That’s why all my best friends are in the seventh grade. [Laughter] You can do it, too. It’s great for your esteem. No matter what, they come– “oh, i got an a on my paper.” “Oh, i have a car.” [Laughter] I don’t like game shows. I don’t like watchin’ people win money. My biggest fear in my life’s my next door neighbor knocks on my door one day. [Knocks] “Hey, Daniel, get out here. I just won the lottery. I’m outta here for good.” “Hold on. Now have you told anybody yet?” “N– n– no, you’re the first one.” [Bang] [Laughter] Yeah, i don’t know if you can cremate someone in a gas fireplace, but I’ll find out. [Laughter] And these game shows giving away millions of dollars? Who wants to watch that? I’d like a game show with millionaires on it. And they have to play with their own money. Yeah, and they can’t win money, they can only lose, till one of ’em goes completely broke. And the show’s called, “ha, ha, now you’re poor.” [Laughter] I’d watch that show every day. What time is it? It’s “ha-ha now you’re poor” time. [Laughter] That’s the dance you do when it comes on, i guess. [Laughter] Now you know the worst television, mtv. I can’t st– music television. They call it that. They don’t even play music. How’s that legal? [Laughter] What if everybody did that? “Hey, thanks for callin’ New York pizza.” “Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.” “Oh, we don’t sell pizza.” “What?” “No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call the book store if you’re hungry.” They have a show on mtv that i can’t stand– “cribs.” You ever watch “cribs?” Yeah, that show should be called “wanna feel like a failure?” Little bowwow has an s series. That’s not right. [Laughter] Tell you what, though. If i ever get really famous, i promise you the greatest “cribs” episode of all time. Oh, you can trust me on this one. I’m gonna hire universal studios to come over to my house, build an extension of caves and corridors that go from my bedroom to the bathroom. That way, every night, when i wake up to go pee, the adventure begins. [Laughter] So i wake up, right? I’m like scared and nervous and i have to go. And the camera crew’s following me. And I’m like, “ooh.” And i hire Vin Diesel to hide and jump out and scare me and sword fight me. And he’s like “prepare to die.” And I’m like, “calm down, you over-actor. I’m paying you to lose.” And he’s like– and then i kill him. And there’s a princess tied up. And she’s like, “thank you. I’ve been here for so long.” I’m like, “no time for talkie, gotta tinkle. Let’s run.” We start going. The walls street closin’ in. Yeah, there’s doors going down, and rocks everywhere. And we have to go across an old rope bridge. But halfway across the rope bridge, the bottom one sets on fire and it snaps. And she falls, but i got her with one arm. Yeah, i can feel her slippin. But she’s looking up at me, going, “I’ll never stop loving you.” Close up on my eyes, and a close up on her eyes, and i close up on my eyes… Like– and then she falls. Like, “aaaah!” And I’m like, “whyyyyy? Whyyyy?” And i snap outta that. I gotta pee like a racehorse. Back up onto the rope. I get to the bathroom. I pull my pajamas down, ’cause i sit down and pee like a girl when I’m at my house. It’s my house, i feel more comfortable that way. Don’t judge me, the Bible says not to. But as soon as i sit down, a hologram of my dad pops up. And he’s like, “Daniel, this is your father. Make sure you look behind the shower curtain before you–.” Too late. A dragon comes from behind the shower curtain. Yeah…It’s gonna spray me with fire, but i rip the medicine cabinet off, right? Mirror ching-ching, kills the dragon. And then i got to the bathroom. I go back to bed. And no one even knows i added these extensions on to my house. It’s top secret. My maid comes runnin’ in. “Daniel, Daniel! What’s with all that ruckus?” And I’m like, “oh, Helga, it was nothing. Now get back to your quarters.” And she’s like, “hmmm.” Then i roll over and stare at the camera crew, and I go, “shhhh.” [Laughter] And then the camera goes back onto Vin Diesel’s body. Close up on his face. And then his eyes open. Well, did you get chills? Yeah. Let’s see p. Diddy top that crib. Thanks a lot, you guys. [Cheers and applause] captioning made possible by comedy central. Captioned by mccaptioning services.

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JEN KIRKMAN: JUST KEEP LIVIN’? (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jen-kirkman-just-keep-livin-2017-full-transcript/

Hello. I should use a microphone, really. Hi. Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That was the perfect amount of applause. I didn’t have to stand here too awkwardly long. Thank you for coming. I am Jen. If you didn’t know, maybe you wandered in, now you’re having a fun time with me. Um… It has been brought to my attention by doctors, some codependent yoga teachers, and everyone who’s ever met me that I am high strung. And… it’s been suggested… that therapy isn’t enough, that I need to meditate. And so, now, I am one of these people who meditates. And by “I meditate,” I mean, “I do not ever meditate.” But… I have a meditation playlist, some gongs going, “gong, gong.” I’ve got apps, I think about meditation. I have a meditation chair in my living room. You have one, too. It’s just a fucking chair. But… I put a candle next to it and I call it my meditation chair, yeah. And when you come over, I point out to you, “Oh, don’t mind that, that just, um… That’s my meditation chair, yeah. No, every morning I get up and I think about doing it and I don’t. I get up and I… sit in it and take a few deep breaths. Don’t be intimidated, you can sit in it if you want. Yeah, it’s not… Not everyone’s on the same spiritual plane, but we don’t have any rules in this… happy home with the chair and the… Don’t worry about why the candle has never been lit, just…” But this one day, I did meditate because I had an important thing to do. I wanted to get a job. I wanted to write and I wanted someone to pay me for it. I wanted to have an interview and I wanted to get it. So, that being said, there were a little nerves in the morning. I thought maybe I’ll try this meditation thing that everyone is talking about. And I did about five minutes of meditation. And if you’re not impressed with that, then you’ve never meditated. Because after five seconds, you’re like, “Why did the Lord stop time?” Five minutes is a long time to clear your mind of things and I did it. And I woke up and came out of it and I was like: “Oh, I get what everyone’s talking about. I feel… so… Like, I could handle anything. If I didn’t have to leave the house today, I could really handle anything.” But I did have to leave the house. And so, I got in my car and I’m driving in the Los Angeles 9 a.m. traffic. When I saw the green light, I was like, “Green’s pretty.” And I was trying to figure out what green meant, like, on a deeper level. And I’m like, “Green, what can that tell me?” And I didn’t realize in that moment, all I needed to know about green is it means fucking go. And so, I’m, “Green,” and I start to slow down. And the people behind me are starting to lose it because they are late for work. And so they’re just, “beep!” and they’re honking and their horns, and I’m like, “Oh, now it’s yellow. Oh, red. Oh, that was fun.” And I realized… I’m stopped at the red light, which is normal, but I really stopped at the green light. And then I realized, “Oh, my God, I… I screwed these people.” That could’ve made the difference between them being early and being late. Guy behind is pissed like: I see him in my rear-view mirror. And I just… I feel so calm, though, because I meditated. Yeah, so… I just turned and give him a wave that just says like, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you think you’re late for work, but… you don’t know what I know. There is no time, so, yeah.” I’m even embarrassed to say that I heard his horn. That’s not very meditation of me. What is a sound, right? That’s… That’s just the meaning I placed on it, right? I could’ve heard anything. I could’ve heard butterflies eating candy. So… I’m driving, feeling really good about myself, and just, like… Just so much better than everyone else that’s so mad. And that’s what meditation’s for, is to feel superior to others. So… I turned the corner and we go to the next stoplight… and I pull up to it and so does the guy behind me that was all pissed. And I’ve got the sunroof open, the windows down. I’m just happy as can be. Again, did I mention I had meditated that morning? And the guy next to me, typical what you think of Los Angeles if you’ve never been. Producer-looking guy, kind of chomping on his cigar, bald, kind of chubby, in his red BMW, probably 50, two divorces. And he’s sitting there and he is pissed at me. And he’s in his car… and he just looks over and goes, “Hey, dumbass, what were you doing at that light?” And I’m just sitting in my car like: “I meditated today. Can’t get angry. What would it be like to kill him? Don’t think about that.” So, he yells again, “Hey, dumbass, what were you doing at that light? Texting your boyfriend?” That one got me. Because I didn’t have a boyfriend and I was not happy about it. Then I got pissed. I’m like, “He thinks I’m texting my boyfriend? That’s what he thinks when a woman makes a mistake in traffic? It’s always about a man. Anytime you see a five-car pile up, it’s like, ‘Are you coming home for dinner or not?'” You know? So, I was like, “This guy is not gonna bully me. Fuck this. I don’t care about meditation. Everybody gets angry. I’m not a goddamn saint.” Not that they meditate, but whatever they do. And so, I put the car in park and I stood up in my seat and I put my head out of the sunroof and then I went into the passenger seat. And I leaned over and I went, “What the fuck did you just say to me?” For those at home watching, this isn’t being taped in New York City. He said, “I said, what were you doing at that light, dumbass?” Now, I didn’t wanna tell him, “I meditated today and I got loopy at the green light.” I didn’t want to tell him that because he was mean to me and I wanted to win. I wanted to say something that would make him feel so bad about what he did that he’d be like, “Oh, my God, I have to think before I speak and put myself in other people’s shoes. You never know what someone’s going through.” Right? So, I said to him something that’s true, meaning, I actually said it. The content is not true. I said, “What was I doing? I was thinking. I just found out that my mother died this morning.” I didn’t say I was a good person, I just said I meditated. He goes, “You’re still a dumbass.” And I was like: “What kind of person says that to someone whose mother just died?” She didn’t, he doesn’t know. He is a bad person. I am the winner in this story still. And then I just lost it. And I went, “Oh, go fuck your car.” I don’t know what that means either, but I just… I had to keep going, like I knew what I was talking about. Like, “Yeah, stick your dick in the tailpipe, buddy. I know who you are. What are you, a producer? Divorced? You had two wives and left both of them for your assistant. And what, you…? You tell young girls you’re gonna put them in movies? You don’t have any movies to put them in. You’re a loser.” And the light turned green and he… The light turned green and he drove off. That’s what you do at green lights, you drive away. So, as he drives off, he screams, “You’re crazy.” And I was like: And I screamed out of the… Out of the passenger seat sunroof: “I’m not crazy. I meditated today, motherfucker.” Thank you. Which is an ancient chant from the Buddha. So… But then I thought… My adrenaline’s going, I’m shaking. And I went, “Holy shit, all this happened and I meditated today. What if I hadn’t, you know?” And just a little lesson for you guys, do not call a woman crazy unless you wanna see a woman go fucking crazy, okay? Just don’t. Save yourselves. If you wanna see… If you wanna tell a woman she’s crazy, just call her calm. It’ll just throw us off and the whole thing’s dissipated. Just go, “Hey, you’re being really calm right now.” “Oh, thank you. A psychic told me I was calm once. Thanks. What were we fighting about? I didn’t even know.” So… I’m driving and I’m like: “Okay, just calm down. Adrenaline’s coming down.” I get to the next stoplight. This stoplight never changes. The guy is there again and I’m like, “Okay, don’t start anything, Jen. Stay in your lane and, literally, do not be or seem crazy.” So, I put on some music and I’m bopping around happy as can be. “Look at me, I’m not crazy at all. I wasn’t just screaming, ‘I meditated, motherfucker.’ I am fun and happy.” And he’s kind of looking at me and he yells into my car, “Hey… sorry about your mom.” And I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I forgot my mom died.” And so, you know… I suddenly get real upset, I go: “Oh, I know, it’s been a tough morning. So much paperwork.” What? I don’t know… What is…? Why would there be paperwork so soon, an hour? If it’s real, she lives in Boston, I live in L.A., she died an hour ago, there’s paperwork, do I have a fax machine that’s like, “Someone died, come on,” you know? And so, he looks at me and goes, “Well, love, we got kind of heated, but I hope you have a good day whatever you’re doing.” And I’m like, “You, too, man.” And he drives off and I start sobbing. I’m like, “Oh, my God. So full of emotion, you know. I don’t know if it’s just my mom or just… I… It just kind of… You know, I’ve talked to two people this morning already and I would never do that, but that’s the meditation, it brings us together. It’s so powerful.” So, then I parked the car. I’m no longer crying, or passionate, or crazy, or condescending because I’m meditating. And I walk in into this meeting, introduce myself, we have a chitchat, they’re gonna pay me, I’m gonna do the job, I nailed it. I’m like, “I shouldn’t be allowed to do that. I should not be allowed to act normal ’cause I was acting like a maniac.” How come they don’t have to know what I was doing. You’re allowed into a building and be whatever you want even though you were screaming. I can’t believe we do that, but we do. I’m like, “But registered sex offenders don’t get to do that.” I feel like, I should… When I get crazy like that, I should be treated like a registered sex offender. Like, they have to go door-to-door. “I’m your neighbor. I have things in my past.” Like, I should have to go to a meeting, like, “Hello, I’m a nice person, but I just screamed, ‘I meditated today, ‘ in the middle of the road and…” But I got away with it. It’s like… If you’ve ever been going to a party and you’re in the car with your partner and just… You hate them and you’re like: “That outfit doesn’t match. What’s so funny is you talk about how much you love your mom and she used to put you in these outfits. She fucking sucked at teaching you how to dress. Oh, yeah, I am gonna start in on your mom. Oh, yeah, I am. Oh, yes, I am. Oh, no. No, don’t even… No, no, no. Know what? I wanna go to this party for five minutes and I don’t wanna look at you. They’re my friends, not yours.” Then you walk in, “Hey, I brought muffins,” and you’re like… You wanna stay all night. “Aren’t we having fun?” He’s in the corner and your friends are like: “Isn’t she great?” And he’s like, “She’s fucking great.” And you get back in the car and you forget about the fight from before and you’re like, “Weren’t those muffins great? I’m great.” And he’s just looking at you like, “Shut up. I know who you really are.” I know you can probably sense I’m a bit of a badass. Um… Not… I don’t mean because of that story, but you can tell I have a tattoo. I know you can. Um… I have… Not everyone gets one, you know. There’s badasses and the rest of you and, um… But I have a tattoo and I’m only gonna have one. I think the whole tattoo thing is a lot like kids. Like, first of all, some people want one, some people want none, some people want a bunch, like… And it’s all over their arms and it looks like a lot of work. But… But you go to a place, you lay down, there’s a lot of pain and you’re like: “God, I hope I love it. It is permanent.” So… So, I’m having a tattoo instead of a child. And… So, for me, I’m one of the one-and-doner types. So, you know that my tattoo has to be very meaningful, right? If… If you’ve ever thought about getting a tattoo, you think about it for a while. “I don’t wanna get something dumb. I have to have something that means something.” And I’ve been waiting my whole life to find something succinct that means something that I can put on my body permanently. I thought of something a couple of years ago and I was like: “Don’t do it, give it another year and if you’re still thinking about it, do it.” That’s what I did. And I was inspired by my friend who got a tattoo of her grandfather’s name on her wrist and his birthday because he has an amazing story, so… My… My friend’s grandfather survived the Holocaust because he was a Nazi. But… No, that’s… Okay. Sorry. That… That’s just a fun joke. That is not… I didn’t set you guys up, there really is a story about my friend. I just had to throw in because he was… My friend’s grandfather survived the Holocaust. And my friend, just like her father and her father’s father, and like many of us in this country, suffers from depression and anxiety. And the story he would tell was the survival story of his mind. When he was in the camps, he would say a prayer of gratitude to God and say, “I don’t… If this has to end this way, fine, but thank you for making me me and not one of the evil people. Thank you for putting love in my heart.” And that is mind-blowing. Of course you put that guy’s name on your wrist. The most beautiful story I’ve heard. And I don’t have anyone in my family like that. I… I come from a family of Catholic people from Boston and we don’t talk to God like that. We don’t like God. We are mad at God and we assume he’s mad at us. “Jennifer, why would you have gratitude for a bad thing that happened? That means God’s mad… Mad at you. He’s punishing you. Jennifer, why would you have gratitude for God being so mean to you? Maybe he’ll think you like it there and he’ll keep you in there. We’re not bothering God with all this gratitude unless something good happens. Nothing bad’s ever happened in our family, but it could and we’re gonna complain in advance and we’re gonna stay vigilant. So, no tattoos of anything our family said, please.” So, I had to go elsewhere. So, I’ll show you my… My tattoo… and then I’ll explain. Thank you. It’s on my ankle. It’s on my ankle. It says, “JKL,” which stands for JK living, which stands for just keep living, which is Matthew McConaughey’s catchphrase. Thank you. This tattoo could not be less ironic at all. I mean it with all my heart. Just keep living… inspires me. And I’m not suicidal. But I am a soul trapped in a body. I didn’t ask to be born and I’m afraid to die. And that’s the shit I live in every day. And so… Yeah. I love what you get excited about. “Yeah, that’s right. We’re trapped!” Before you judge, or if you think I’m just some shallow Hollywood person. No, no, no. There’s a story behind “just keep living.” Just like my friend had a story behind her tattoo of her grandfather. So, I’m at the nail salon and I’m having a bad day… but I don’t know why I’m having a bad day. I just don’t feel good. Physically, I feel fine. Mentally, not into it. So, I’m scrolling through People magazine and I see an article about Matthew McConaughey. Well, he had a tough day once, too. I’m not sure why you’re laughing. This is very serious. He was filming Dazed and Confused and he knew he was going to be a big star, but his father is dying, so, he was like: “Something good and something bad is happening at the same time. Well, I guess I better just keep living.” And then that became his catchphrase. And I see you’re not as moved to silence by it as you were the Holocaust story. And that’s fine. Different things for different people. The thing about this tattoo is it’s in an inconvenient place. If my friend is having a bad day, she can remind herself, “Not as bad as my grandfather had it,” by going like this. I have to be like: “I will board this plane in a minute, I’m having a bad day, and I need a reminder… Go… Go ahead. Go. Go ahead.” People say things about tattoos like, “You’re gonna regret it. It looks dumb.” I’m like, “It looks dumb now, I’m all set. Thank you.” I got the, uh… I actually got the tattoo on my birthday last year. Didn’t do anything fun for my birthday this year. Got a gift from mom. It wasn’t my only gift, but she handed me this piece of paper. Um… She does that now that she’s getting older. I don’t know if she’s made a will, but she seems to send me things and hand me things whenever I see her and it’s always a dramatic speech. “Jennifer, I had to give this to you because if I die how would you know I had it?” I go, “I’m gonna ransack the house. Yeah, I’ll get everything, don’t worry.” But she give me this thing and it is as old as I am. It is 42 years old. It is the piece of paper they gave her when she left the hospital with me when I was a little baby. I know, so cute. I was 7 and a half pounds when I was born. So thin. Now I am 42 years old and I’ve been over this before, you know, when we talk about complimenting women and men, too, of telling people they look young. It’s a scary thing. Do not do this to people, okay? Stop complimenting people by saying, “You don’t look your age.” Don’t do that. I don’t like when women in their 20s are like: “Oh, my God, I thought you were my age.” Not a compliment. I’ve been in my 20s. I don’t wanna look like I have four roommates and shitty towels. I don’t wanna look like that. So… Thank you. I’m the only one I know that loves being called “ma’am.” I love it. I… Whenever someone goes, “Your change, ma’am,” I’m like, “You noticed. Thank you. Yeah. I have had a really rich and storied life. Yeah. I, um… No, I’ve got time to tell you. I had a pager, sure, yeah. I… I was a cashier before scan technology, made change in my head. And I was around when Bruce Willis thought he should record an R&B album. So, yeah. Survivor, seen a lot. Thanks.” Anyways, my mom gives me this. This is all they gave you in the ’70s when you had a child, a living thing that you had to take care of. Not even 8-by-10. “Here you go. Bye.” This I found very strange. It says, “Friends and relatives, these people are interested in your baby.” Oh, thank you. “And they want to hold and hug him.” Oh, they didn’t have girls in the ’70s. “We must caution you to keep visitors away from your baby. The newborn baby is best kept as much to himself as possible.” Which is different than now. I go to my friends’ houses, they’re like: “Look at the baby, swaddle the baby, you can breastfeed the baby. It’s fine.” But in the ’70s, it’s just like, “Joyce, didn’t you have a baby?” “Yeah, three months ago.” “Where is he?” “He’s in the other room. We haven’t taken him out yet. You know, they say, the doctor says too much looking, and touching, and fussing, it… It can lead to a sense of well-being, so we don’t want that, we’re just gonna… Don’t look at him.” But… This is my favorite part, we might have to go over it twice if there’s any confusion. It explains crying. Why does a baby cry? Well, he’s too hot, he’s too hungry, he’s too thirsty. We got it. Here’s one. “If it is less than three hours from the feeding, check to make sure there are no pins sticking in him. And change him.” So, I’ll explain for anyone very young. Velcro, although invented in the ’40s, was something they didn’t put on diapers. I don’t know if they didn’t put it on diapers. We didn’t have Velcro diapers in the ’70s in my house. Whenever we didn’t have something, we were told it wasn’t invented yet. I’d be like, “Can we get a microwave?” My parents were like, “Not invented yet.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, I must be so genius. How did I know there was…?” But we… We did not have Velcro diapers. Back then, you’d wear a cloth diaper and then they’d put safety pins to keep it on. So, that’s fine. Make sure no pins are sticking in him. But why must you wait three hours? Can’t you…? Can’t you feed the baby, put him down in the other room where no friends or family can see him… If five minutes goes by, can you check and see if there’s no pins in him? If there aren’t, then go, “I guess he’s gonna cry for a while.” But, no, this says three hours. You could see a movie in three hours. But you don’t have a VCR back then. So, you have to go to a movie and you can come all the way back, and have 15 minutes left before you check on your kid. “Should we check on him?” “It says three hours. We don’t wanna be smothering.” “You’re right, we got 15. Make me a drink, then we’ll go in, I’m gonna…” So… I basically know that I was just thrown in another room with pins sticking in me growing up. Which is why I’m so comfortable being alone and I do acupuncture. But, um… I travel alone, I went to Italy by myself this year. And it invoked a lot of reactions from people. You would have thought I said, “I started a race riot this year.” People were like, “What? You did what?” People are very freaked out with being alone. Like, I love being alone. I think it’s great. People are like, “How do you do it?” How do I decide that I don’t like other people and make sure I’m not around them? Pretty easy. People are like: “I don’t even wanna go to the movies alone.” Why would you wanna go with another person? What can you do at the movies with another person besides jerk them off or something? There’s nothing to do at the movies. And I’m a grown woman. I don’t care if people think I’m a loser for being alone. I was excited for this trip before people started putting a damper on it. My dad was saying, “Aren’t you afraid of ISIS? ISIS is everywhere. Be afraid of ISIS.” I was like, “Who… I’m a woman. I don’t have time to be afraid of ISIS. I’m just busy being afraid of plain old men. Are you kidding me?” You ever walked by a bar at 1 a.m. when dudes in baseball hats are getting out? Fuck ISIS. ISIS are adorable. ISIS have costumes and beards, look like bartenders. ISIS, they’re not… I’m not afraid of them at all. So… I’m packing for my trip and I’m thinking like, “Where should I go?” Like, you know, I’m making list of, like, where I’m gonna see and what I’m gonna do. Then I Googled just at the last minute, ’cause I booked a trip to Venice. I just Googled, “What are the safest places in Italy where woman don’t get raped?” – Oh! – “Oh! Oh! She said rape.” Let me fucking tell you something. Rape exists, I’m gonna talk about it. That’s not a joke, that’s a fact. I looked that up because I didn’t wanna get raped. I’ll stop talking about rape when men stop raping. So, don’t give me your little outrage, “Ooh, oh, oh!” So… But it’s true, there are websites for this stuff. Well, it’s just Yelp. There should be… There should be “Relp” for like, “Where will I get raped? Help.” And so you go on that website. So… I felt very safe in Venice, and if anyone cares I came out of it unscathed, it was a very safe time. But people were saying to me: “Wouldn’t you rather wait and go with a man?” Not for safety, just it’s not fun to go, I guess, without a man. And I’m in a relationship and that’s what shocked people more. “Why isn’t he going?” ‘Cause I’m a comedian, I happen to be in Europe for some work anyway. I thought I’d just jaunt over to Italy for a couple days, and he has a job and so he can’t just do that. And they’re like, “He’s abusive.” I’m like, “No, no, he just… He just has a different job, and I have free time, and… It’d be a waste to not go to Italy, it’s just two hours away.” And they’re like, “He should be by your side for this.” I’m like, “It’s not chemo. I’m just going on a trip. I’m just going on a trip. It’s all good, they have food there, they have wine, they have people that talk, it’s just like here, it’s just like here.” But I don’t understand. Obviously, you wanna sometimes spend time with your partner. But traveling… Why risk the relationship? Why travel with a partner, right? I went to Paris once with my husband. Guess what, now he’s my ex-husband. It… You don’t have to travel with your partner. It’s the time that you see them 24 hours a day and everything they do, you’re like: “Why are you walking on the plane using your legs? God!” When you travel alone, you can eat with your hands. I don’t mean pizza. I was eating a salad. I would rub it on. It was great. The only thing that sucked about my trip, and I hate to complain about such a privileged thing as to go to Italy by myself, is that I booked a walking tour ’cause I love that stuff. And I booked the ghost tours of Venice, which I thought was gonna be so fun. I was reading the website, people were leaving comments. “It was so fun, then a theater troupe jumped out at us and they tried to scare us and we saw sites where people got slaughtered back in the 1700s, we heard these crazy ghost stories and we saw secret canals and secret this and secret that.” And I was like, “I want that. I want all the secrets.” So, I signed up for it. And it was my last night in Venice. And so at the last minute, I checked my e-mail confirmation from the company. And I had accidentally booked a private tour. And I was like, “No. No.” Thank you for understanding. “I don’t wanna walk alone with someone for 90 minutes. That’s my worst nightmare.” And they make me meet him on the bridge, like some romance story. And he sees me and he goes, “Is it just you?” And I go, “Yeah.” And he goes, “Oh, this breaks my heart.” And he was doing this big thing. “I don’t wanna give you the ghost story tour. Oh, it’s too sad. You’re alone in Venice. Oh, no, no, no. We do the love story tour.” I go, “I wanna see where people got murdered. Tell me about dead babies. I wanna hear all kinds of crazy shit.” And he asked, “Where is the man?” I don’t know if he meant my boyfriend or “the man” that’s coming down on us. I’m like, “If I knew where ‘the man’ was, we’d all be free,” right? And so… I didn’t know what he was talking about. He was very concerned, I had to explain, “I’m in a…” You know, like all walking tours start this way, you explain. You’re in a relationship, very happy. You’re just taking sometime alone. Don’t worry. And then I got down on my knees and screamed: “Why, God, I miss him! I haven’t seen a penis in a week! Oh, God!” But then we started the tour. But when… The other problem… Not just being a woman with a man. When you’re anybody with anybody, when you’re alone on a walking tour, they can start taking advantage of you. So, he was like, “Miss, if you don’t mind, I don’t feel so much like walking tonight.” I’m like, “You picked the wrong job.” He’s like, “I’m a little tired. It’s been a hard day. I am sad and it’s hot. Could we stand here?” And so I said yes. I stood under a bridge with a man while he told me stories that were not ghost stories for 90 minutes, okay? And I knew the inevitable was gonna happen. I knew it was gonna happen. He asked me… why I was in Italy. And I said, “For vacation.” He said, “But why alone?” I said, “All right, I was in London doing some work and I came here.” “What work do you do?” And I… I don’t wanna tell him I’m a comedian. You guys, you’re nice to comedians when we’re on stage, but in real life, people say awful things to us. They find we’re comedians they’re like, “You don’t seem funny.” “I’m getting my fucking colon removed, that’s why.” So… I always have a lie whenever I check-in to a hotel, get into an Uber. “What brings you to town?” Shuts them up. “My friend’s having an abortion. I had to come right in. And it’s a guy so it’s a weird procedure, so just please leave me alone. I don’t wanna…” So, I just tell him I’m a comedian and then he goes: “Madam, this is not a provocation… but your life does not seem interesting enough that you have to go around the world and tell it.” And he’s right, isn’t he? And that was how the tour ended is he said “not a provocation” and then gave me a big old provocation. And then he did one nice thing. I was trying to look at the positive, I’m a meditator. Is he took me to an Italian restaurant. Obviously, I was in Italy. He took me to a restaurant, I don’t have to say Italian restaurant. “Is this here an Italian restaurant or what?” So, he took me… He took me to a restaurant. He didn’t sit with me, he just brought me there. And I was actually very grateful because it was on the Grand Canal and if you’ve ever been to anywhere, you sometimes don’t know what’s the authentic restaurant and what is the cheesy tourist place. And so, I said, “I never would’ve picked this place. I had no idea by looking at the restaurants on the Grand Canal what was authentic and what wasn’t, so, thank you for bringing me here.” Now he’s standing over my table, waiter is bringing the wine, things are starting to happen and he says, “May I tell you one more story, then?” I go, “Okay.” He hadn’t told me a ghost story yet, so I was like, “Maybe this is it.” He goes, “You remind me, there’s a story about perception. You bring up you don’t know what restaurant is good based on looks. Isn’t that life? You don’t know a man or a person, just based on looking at them, what’s in their soul. Maybe there’s a man and he’s fun and he walks and he tells the stories. But then maybe he goes home and he kills himself.” “Is that it?” He goes, “Yes.” I go, “Okay, well, have a good night. Thanks for the tour.” What…? “Just keep living.” I was annoyed because he never told the horror story. He only told me the love story. I was like, “Oh, that’s so… I don’t… Not everyone’s meant for this world. Whatever he wants, I don’t care.” But I thought, maybe I should complain. Like, I don’t wanna get him fired, but I wanna complain and get my money back and then just have the manager just tell everyone, “Hey, you know, we can’t mess around with the tours. Give people what they want.” So, maybe, what if I call the manager right now? What if she was like, “Sergio? He did not meet you on the bridge at 7.” I’d be like, “He did.” She’d be like, “Oh, no, ma’am, at 6:30 he killed himself.” I’d be like, “Oh, my God, that was the greatest ghost tour ever!” Yes. Now you like a suicide joke when it has a little punch to it, right? So, you know, I’m a hypochondriac, but not… I don’t invent things. It’s just that when something happens, I think it’s worse than it is, right? I had an incident with my doctor six months ago… where she told me I couldn’t come back for a year even if I really was dying. Because I had such a hypochondriacal episode… and made an ass of myself. Now, I wanna tell you the story, but it’s gonna be filmed… and now a cliché is gonna be stuck on me. Because the story also involves my period. And people have a problem when women talk about their periods. “People.” Men. So… the common wisdom that people say is women aren’t funny. Okay, great. I can’t do anything about that. If you don’t think I’m funny, check out other women, right? “Women” is not a type of comedy. “Women” is a type of person. I think women are people, I’m not sure. Anyway, but… Let’s take apart why it’s so difficult to talk about a period. I think sometimes people just don’t know what a period is. And so, a man doesn’t wanna hear about it because he’s like: “I feel stupid. I don’t know what it is.” And no problem. They didn’t explain it to us either. I turned 11, mother said, “You’re gonna get your period.” “What’s that?” “A thing you’re gonna get.” “When?” “Anytime between now and the next seven years.” “Oh, God.” And then you’re just walking to school like, “Gonna get my period. What’s my period? Comes out of here. Do I have it? Can anyone see?” And so, it’s… It’s… Here’s what a period is. Let’s start with education and get to the fun story about hypochondria and my period, right? Here we go. In case anyone doesn’t know what a period is, every month a woman sheds the interior of her uterine lining because she’s not pregnant, because she’s a dirty, dirty whore… who didn’t do the one thing God put her on earth to do, which is make a baby. And that’s her three- to-five-day punishment. So… that’s what a period is. Now… I think men can handle that fact, right? And I’m not making fun of men. I mean, I… The thing… Men aren’t ever mean to us about our periods when we talk about them. They’re never mean to us. They just don’t wanna hear it. And I understand that because the world caters to you and you don’t have to hear about anything that you don’t know about. And that must be really scary when you have to, so, we must… We must be kind to men. I don’t like the old hacky thing of, “If men had their periods, they’d be like, ‘Yeah, blood everywhere. Gonna name a bar after it. Yeah… ‘” You know. Maybe that’d be true, maybe it wouldn’t. But I don’t know if it’d be true because if men were the ones getting their periods, then women would be the ones not getting their periods. And so, it would be unequal. And I know what I’m like when I don’t understand things in a man’s body. Know what I mean? Like, “Why do you have balls?” “‘Cause I have them.” “Get rid of it.” Like, I’m not necessarily nice. And so, I wonder what I would be like if I had a boyfriend who got his period because men get the periods and I’ve never had one. If I’m at dinner… and my boyfriend comes out of the bathroom and he’s like: “Uh, Jen… we gotta go.” “Jonathan, we didn’t order an appetizer yet.” “Jen, I just got my period a day early and I’m wearing white pants. We gotta go. We gotta go.” “Uh, what do you mean you got your period a day early? Doesn’t it come on the same day every month? “” No, it’s a hormonal thing, it’s irregular. I can’t control it.” “Oh, I can’t control my body. Oh, it’s hormones made me do it. Come on, you can control it.” “Jen, I can’t.” “They have tampons in the bathroom?” “No, they’re out and I… So, we gotta go.” “You have a tampon in your purse, Jonathan?” “No, I forgot.” “Jonathan, how many times have I told you be a fucking man and keep a tampon in your purse in case… you get your period early. And why wear white pants anywhere near the week of your expected period? God, what…? How long have you been getting this, 20 years now? Why can’t you do this, Jonathan? You can leave. I’m eating here. We’ve had this reservation for two weeks. Leave, I’m staying. Go. Tie your jacket around your waist, Jonathan. Everyone can see your period.” Then I call my friend, “I’m at a restaurant alone. Yeah. But Jonathan got his period. No, of course he didn’t. He didn’t know it was coming, no. He never knows. Oh, like Jonathan had a tampon. Are you crazy? We’re talking about Jonathan. He’s the… I don’t know if I can be with him ’cause if he can’t plan for himself, then, like, how can he plan for me, you know?” So, that might be what women are like if men got their periods. Here’s what happened to me. Now, my period comes on the same day every month. Never been early, never been late. I don’t get cramps. Thank you. So… One morning… when I was 41 and a half years old and really feeling it… just thinking about it, God… almost 50. I mean, not really, but… closer than I was when I was 13. Right? I woke up in the morning and I went to the ladies’ room. There’s not a ladies’ room in my house. It’s not like ladies, men, wheelchair, you know, it’s… I went… I was going pee. And I looked at my underwear and there were some fresh drops of blood. Now, again… it was two weeks from when I was supposed to get my period. And this was not uterine lining-looking blood. This was prick-your-finger fresh blood. It actually looked like the blood… that my roommate’s cat had years and years ago. When I was just a young thing with a roommate in Brooklyn and she had a dying cat. And the cat dragged its body across the floor as little drops of blood came out because the cat’s kidneys were failing. That’s right. And my roommate had to put the cat in a cage and the cat got put down that day, the same day that the blood drops appeared in the morning. And I looked at myself and I went, “Today is the day I will be put down. I don’t have a human-sized cage and I live alone. I knew if I didn’t start a family this would happen, but I’ll have to put myself down. I will call the vet and I will make an appointment.” Because I knew that’s internal bleeding. My kidneys are failing. I have internal bleeding. But before I freaked out, I checked my vagina for glass. And so I just wanted to make sure… Because I take sleeping pills sometimes, you can sleepwalk on those. I wanted to make sure that in the middle of the night I didn’t start sleepwalking, then get into a bar fight, break a bottle, and then put it in me and you go, “Come at me!” So… I called friends, I’m like, “Did I get in a bar fight with my vagina?” They’re like, “I don’t think so.” I was like, “Thanks. The bad news is then I must be put down today. It’s internal bleeding. I’m gonna call my doctor.” So, I called. I said, “I have to come in. I have internal bleeding.” I get there, she puts me in the stirrups, which is stupid. I’m like, “This isn’t a period thing. Do an x-ray. I have internal bleeding. My kidneys are failing. Rapidly. Come on.” She looks up and goes, “Jen, this is your period.” I go, “No, it isn’t.” And she goes, “Yes, it is.” “It’s not supposed to be here for two weeks.” She goes, “Two weeks early.” I go, “Well, I want a second opinion.” She goes, “What do you want a second opinion about?” I said, “I still think this is internal bleeding.” And she said, “It’s not.” And I said, “How do you know?” And she said, “Because you’re seeing the blood externally.” “Oh, that’s such a fucking amazing point. I never thought about that. That’s why people die from internal bleeding, because they don’t see the blood. Okay, I got it. Good. All right. I am stupid.” She looked at me and went, “Are you okay?” And I went, “I don’t think so. No, I don’t…” And like a child being handed a toothbrush by a dentist, she just handed me a tampon and was like, “Get out of here.” And, um… Now, the worst part is, I have a subscription for tampons on Amazon. And I keep forgetting to cancel it, and so every month, I get so many tampons. And I have a closet filled with them. They will outlive me. I will not… I will be in menopause before them. I’ll be dead. I will one day be in a chair, no blood left in my body, like: “I haven’t even seen blood on a tooth, let alone this.” I have no kids, I have no one to give them to. I’m the weird lady at Halloween every year where it’s like, “Trick or treat.” And I’m like, “You’ll be a woman someday. Yes, take this.” Even you, little boy, you never know. Take it, take it. Take it, everybody.” It’s amazing what we don’t know about our bodies, we don’t think about things. Like, I was taught nothing about my body growing up. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was basically almost 22 years old, which I have a lot of shame about. I think it’s kind of old, kind of dorky. And even the person I lost my virginity to does not know that he took it, ’cause I had to lie that I lost it at age 16 under a creeping willow tree. You get real detailed when you lied about stuff, right? I lost my virginity at age 21, but, like, almost 22, like, 21 and 11 months. And it wasn’t ’cause I was a prude. I wanted to lose my virginity. It had always been my life’s goal ever since I was a little girl. Just grow up someday and lose my virginity. And the thing that stopped me… It was a Catholic thing. Well, first of all, I didn’t really understand even what sex was, right? I mean, I had sex education, as we all did. They didn’t, like, teach you how to fuck, it was just like… They never said anything about, like, making love and sensuality, and… There’s never gay people involved. It was just a man lays next to a woman, they get pregnant. I was like, “Why would anyone do that?” And so… Single bed for life, right? And so… All we had in sex education for the girls, we had a big poster of fallopian tubes. And I was like, “Those are inside of me?” They looked giant, like, “Why aren’t they coming out my mouth?” It was just like… And there was just a vagina right there with an egg right here. Looked like a ball in a catcher’s mitt. It looked like the egg is always there, like, “Let’s play ball. Impregnate me. Come on, we’ll go around the bases.” And then for the boys, they just had a poster of sperm. And they taught us in one little drop of semen there’s billions and billions of sperm. I was like, “Okay.” That’s all I remembered. As I got to be a teenager, my mother was like: “Never have sex, you’ll get pregnant every time.” And I was like, but I think she’s right ’cause I thought back to those two signs, the egg waiting and ready and then billions and billions of sperm. What are the odds? A billion to one. You’re going to have a baby, right? I was like, “How come women just have one? How come they’re aren’t like:” Like, why aren’t babies just, like, spilling out of everybody? Like, there’s billions and billions of sperm and one egg. So, I didn’t wanna… I didn’t wanna, you know, lose my virginity so fast. It was the Catholic Church’s fault. Like, now, I’m cool with Jesus. I knew Jesus didn’t mind if I had sex ’cause Jesus loved whores, right? It’s in the Bible. He hung out with prostitutes, they were his favorite people. When he was fed up with the apostles, “Where are my prostitutes?” “We’re here.” He’d be like, “We’re not gonna write about you in the Bible.” And then he was friends with them. So, I knew that once I had sex, I would just confess to Jesus, “I had sex.” He’d be like, “I love that.” I’d be like, “Just telling you.” And so that would be fine. What I was afraid of was getting pregnant. Obviously, I didn’t want to be a teenage mother or a mother period. I knew if I got pregnant, I would have to have an abortion and I was very afraid of abortion because of church. Not ’cause of Jesus, but because of the priest at church. Every single sermon the priest at my church did were about abortion. Even though it was not in the Bible that day, you know. They would be like, “Merry Christmas, everybody. And we are here ’cause Mary had a baby. She kept it even though she didn’t know who the fuck gave it to her. And we will celebrate Mary. She didn’t have an abortion like you girls who go to the clubs and use it as birth control. Then if you had an abortion, you go to hell. If you know someone that’s had an abortion, you go to hell. Guys, don’t worry. We’ll high-five you. You got a woman pregnant. But the women are going to hell.” And I was like, “I don’t wanna go to hell.” I decided I’m never gonna get pregnant and the easiest way to do that is to never have sex. And I really didn’t understand what an abortion was. I didn’t know it was a safe medical procedure that prevents a pregnancy from becoming a pregnancy. I thought you carried a baby to full term and then in a doctor’s office, they, like, shot it in the head. You know, I was like, “I’m not doing that.” I’m not judging, but I’m not doing that. So, instead of sex… Instead of sex, I was the girl who loved being fingered. I loved fingering. Loved? I still love it. I love fingering. I am bringing back fingering. It’s amazing. Do it to everybody. It’s not just for… It’s not just for kids. It’s like sugar cereal. Adults can enjoy it, too. It’s wonderful. You’re going right to the source. Greatest feeling on Earth. And so… I had a lovely boyfriend who used to finger me. And the first time I ever got fingered… Oh, my God. I mean, I touched myself before, but when you get to go hands free, it’s like, “Whee!” It’s so exciting. And the feeling was so powerful that after I got fingered, every moment after that that I wasn’t getting fingered, I was in a deep, dark depression. That’s why when you see Goth girls walking around, they’re not trying to get attention, they’re upset. They got fingered once and haven’t been fingered since. They’re like, “It’s so dark. Everything is horrible. I don’t feel anything.” So, anyway… My boyfriend usually went first on me ’cause he was a good guy. But this one time I wanted to return the favor. And so I took my two dry hands, and I rubbed his penis up and down like you do, and it almost caught on fire. And… So, like a skilled firefighter, he grabbed it like a hose and was like, “I got this,” you know. And he came on his hand like a young man of 17 does, wiped it on his T-shirt in the basement and then he kindly went in to return the favor. All I saw on that finger… I couldn’t see it, but I knew it was there. Billions and billions of sperm. I didn’t wanna be like: “Can you wash your hands? I’m not ready to become a mother.” ‘Cause that’s dorky, right? Then I was like, “You can’t get pregnant from fingering. They would’ve told us. They would’ve told us that in school. Unless they don’t know what this is, and we just invented it.” I was like, “I need that good feeling,” so I let it happen. No consequences. I didn’t care. I woke up in the middle of the night and put my hand on my stomach and I felt a heartbeat and I was like: “Oh, my God. I’m a mother.” I was so dumb. I didn’t know that you could feel a pulse anywhere else but your wrist. That was the first time I had noticed a pulse anywhere else in my body. And I thought I’d grown a baby in four hours. I was like, “Whoo! That happens fast. No wonder this abortion is such a hot topic. There is a living, breathing person in there.” Well, I couldn’t tell my mom. She’d kill me. I didn’t have the Internet back then, not just ’cause my mom wouldn’t let me, it wasn’t invented yet, okay? So, all I had was a typewriter, and you can’t ask your typewriter: “Can I get fingered, and then get pregnant from that?” ‘Cause your typewriter just has a piece of paper looking back at you, like: “I don’t know if you can get pregnant. I’m a typewriter.” So, you’re just stuck. It’s a standstill, right? So, I had to go… to the library. And I couldn’t ask the librarian because she was a friend of my mom. I couldn’t be like, “I got finger-blasted. What do you think, baby or no?” So, I had to take a walk to the card catalog. Which if you’re younger and you don’t know, it’s what we had before the Internet at the library. It’s a catalog filled with cards. And in it are cards that have the name of every book in the library. Now, as years go by and more information is out there, they keep jamming more cards in the catalog. They don’t get extra catalogs, no, no. Just shove it in the one. You put your finger in and take a risk. You might not get your finger back. Like, “Aah!” And so I had to look for books about pregnancy. Now, again, the card catalog is not in alphabetical order. No, no, no. It is in something called the Dewey Decimal System, which is a complicated series of numbers that librarians have to go to college to learn. But they throw it in the lobby at us, like, “You’ll figure it out.” And so… I find books on pregnancy and, you know, of course, it doesn’t just say pregnancy and then aisle P. No, I have to memorize, like, 12 numbers. And so, back then we used to be smart. We could memorize 12 numbers. We didn’t have to take a picture or anything. And so… Then I walked all the way back… to the shelves. I didn’t give an example of the 12-number thing ’cause I’m too stupid now. There was no book What to Expect If You’re Expecting ‘Cause You’ve Been Fingered, so I was like, “Argh!” So, I just didn’t do anything. If I had been pregnant, it would’ve been like those TV shows where I just have it in a toilet. But nine months later, when no baby came, I was like, “I must have miscarried. So tragic, but so right for me, you know.” So, then I found out. I found out all the facts. The egg’s not sitting there, it only comes once in a while. And if you use condoms it’s 99.9 percent effective. I was like, “I gotta lose my virginity then.” But my boyfriend and I had broken up and I was about to go to college, I was like, “How am I gonna lose my virginity now? I don’t know anyone at college yet. What, am I gonna walk in and go to a guy and go, “Wanna have sex?” They have to be in love before they do that. I didn’t know anything. And then I thought, “Wait, how am I gonna get a guy to be interested in me unless he thinks I’m experienced? No guy wants to sleep with a virgin.” I didn’t know that either. So, I spread a rumor about myself. I told everyone that at age 18, entering college in 1992, that I had already fucked ten guys. That’s a lot, ten guys. I mean, not now, but then. That was a lot. Ten guys at 18 was a lot. Some people don’t have ten people in their town. Ten guys. And 1992 was an innocent, innocent time. Beverly Hills, 90210, Brenda and Dylan, they waited a year to lose their virginity to each other. Dylan was an alcoholic who lived by himself. He was a virgin. It was an innocent time. So, no guys wanted to have sex with me because they thought I had an STD because I’d fucked ten guys. And so, I went year after year after year not getting laid until I met someone who transferred into my college my senior year and he hadn’t heard the rumors and I didn’t tell him. We had sex, it was fun, it was fine. I don’t remember every detail ’cause it was long ago, but it was lovely. And I walked home that day, just, you know, listening to my Discman, listening to Madonna, you know, Bedtime Stories album. I’m like, “I get it. I’m sexual, too, Madge.” And, um… But something stopped me dead as I was walking and I was like, “Wait a minute, my hymen didn’t break.” That’s another thing they teach us girls. We have a hymen. It’s a piece of skin that’s somewhere in our vagina and a penis pokes it and we bleed and get sheets dirty and we suck, fuck you, you’re dumped. So, now… my hymen didn’t break and I was like, “Uh-oh. I hope my hymen didn’t get pushed up into my body and now it’s strangling, you know, my internal organs.” I don’t even know what a hymen is. How strong is it? How does it work? And I was like, “I gotta go to a doctor.” And so, I went to the school nurse, but I didn’t wanna act like I just lost my virginity, so, I tried to play it all “cas.” I walked in, I was like, “Hey, quick question. Um… When I lost my virginity, whenever that was… uh… my hymen didn’t break. What’s up with that?” She was like, “That’s an old wive’s tale. It’s fine. If you’ve used a tampon or ridden a horse or took a dance class it can stretch, it can break.” I go: “Okay, it can’t get shoved up and start strangling your organs?” “No, it’s a tissue.” “Can it get wadded up and…?” “No, not a tissue. Like, it’s a…” I go, “Oh, okay, okay.” She looks at my chart like, “About to turn 22.” She goes: “So, you didn’t just lose your virginity, did you?” “No, I fucked like ten guys.” And that’s when I got my first STD test. So… So, I’m in a relationship, and I don’t have jokes about it because it’s a nice story. I’m with someone that I love a lot, we’ve known each other for a long time… And look at you get quiet. No one likes nice things, I understand. But there was a time in my life when I was what I call “single” single, when I was like, “God, like, no one seems to like me.” I wasn’t getting picked and I didn’t like how it felt. And I read a self-help book that was like, take yourself on a self date. And so, I did that. And I would sit at bars and… guys would come up and go, “Can I sit here?” I go, “No. I’m also sitting there, please stop. I’m on a… I’m on a date with myself, so, would you please?” I started saying bullshit things, you know, after reading these books, like, “You know what? Gonna take some time. Can’t love someone till you love yourself, you know?” What bullshit. You can love someone when you don’t love yourself. What a fun distraction, right? So… But my friend did this. She decided to have a party. She called it Facebook in Real Life. And she invited a bunch of people… Really good idea. She invited people that sort of know each other. You could vouch for someone if you don’t know them well. So, you could be like, “Oh, hey, John’s fun. He’s a murderer, though. Don’t go home with him, but fun at parties. Okay.” They’re like, “Oh, cool.” I met this guy, really nice guy. He was age appropriate, we got each other’s numbers, started texting. We liked the same things, talked about the same stuff. He didn’t send a dick pic, nothing inappropriate. I felt respected and then, you know, after a couple of weeks, he asked me to go have wine with him. I was like, “We’re going on date.” We’re sitting there and drinking and talking. I’m not getting a vibe he wants to sleep with me, but I’m like, “I’ll loosen him up a little.” Waitress comes and she’s like, “Want a third?” We do that dance you do when you, “I don’t normally drink more than two. Do you? I don’t. I could if you… I… You will? I’ll have one, yeah. We’re gonna fuck. Yeah, we’re gonna fuck. Bring a third.” So, she brings the third. As I’m taking a sip, he’s like, “Anyway, my girlfriend…” I’m like, “Pfft! Your fucking what? What kind of shit is this?” I don’t say that, but… No, I act interested. I’m like, “Tell me about your girlfriend?” And… Nothing wrong hanging out with a woman if you have girlfriend. Absolutely nothing. I have tons of male friends. But that’s it, the door is shut. Thank you, I have male friends. I don’t need any more. I don’t need any more. I have plenty, right? I didn’t understand what his angle was. I said, “Does your girlfriend get upset that you go out with women?” He goes, “Oh, no, she knows I love women. I’m a male feminist.” I go, “‘I’m a male feminist.’ Thanks so much for being on our side, male fucking…” If I wanna fucking drink wine with a feminist, I’ll stay home by myself and I might even get laid. I… And my fingers do not have billions and billions of sperm. I started to figure it out, like, “I see how life is different. I see how it’s different.” Back in the day, men would marry the woman that cooks and cleans and has the babies and he starts to look at her more like a mother. So, he needs to get sex on the side. Now, men are smart. They live with the sex and they want the brains on the side. Well, me and all the other women are not gonna be your mind whores, dude, all right? You’re not gonna finger her then come out, have a drink with me and talk about documentaries until midnight, you pig! Thank you. So… we’re not friends anymore, but I really… I know it sounds like I hate men. I really don’t. I love men and I look at them the way I look at children, which is like, “Oh, my God, for people who don’t know what you’re doing, you have so much energy about it, you know.” But… the… The one… The one area that is really cool, I like that people say they’re feminist, and it’s like, you know, white people can say they identify for Black Lives Matter, and men can say they’re feminist. It’s really cool. There’s one area, though that I don’t know why we can’t nip this, it would be so quick and easy to do, is street harassment. It is still a thing that we are shouting at some men to understand, you know, that it is a really serious scary thing. And I feel like if you’re going to yell out of your car at a woman, commit to it. Get an old-timey car with a horn that’s like, “Aooga!” It’s so stupid. So, you know, mo… All of my guy friends are not idiots, they do not act this way, but I found out one of my friends who I respect does this. I’m like, “You street harass?” “It’s not harassment, it’s a compliment.” And I go, “What kind of things do you do?” “I’ve yelled, ‘Nice tits.'” “You yell ‘Nice tits’ at a woman?” He goes, “Her tits were nice.” “I understand the inspiration behind that, I’m just… You can’t do that to us. It’s… It’s… It’s scary.” He goes, “What’s scary about ‘Nice tits’?” I go, “Well…” He goes, “It’s a compliment.” I go, “I get it. Let me take this apart. I get on its face that ‘nice tits, ‘ dictionary, technically a compliment, yes. But we don’t know, if we don’t respond the way that you want us to respond, or if we don’t respond at all, ‘nice tits’ can be followed up with, ‘Fuck you, bitch, ‘ and then we get scared.” And my friend goes, “Oh, I got it. What if I just yell ‘nice tits’ but don’t yell ‘fuck you, bitch’ after?” I’m like, “No, but we don’t… We don’t know. We don’t know. ‘Nice tits… ‘” Compliments and murder both start with compliments. So, we don’t know. We don’t know. We don’t know when someone says “nice tits” if it’s just, beep, beep, “Nice tits, bye,” and they drive off, or if it’s gonna be like, “Nice tits” stop the car and like, ‘”Nice tits. So nice. Gonna chop them up, put them in a blender. Then I’m gonna put them in a freezer and make tits pops. Tits, tits, tits.'” We don’t know. So, my friend goes, “What should I say?” I go, “Just say nothing. Say no words. Say no words.” He goes, “That’s my free speech. That’s free speech. You can’t do that.” I go, “It’s not… Whatever free speech means. But, okay, fine, free speech. I didn’t say you couldn’t say ‘nice tits, ‘ I said, please don’t yell it to us. So, maybe if you’re driving by a woman who has nice tits, you roll up your window and smash your face against the glass and just go, ‘Nice tits.’ You could do that. Or see a woman with nice tits and call a friend and go, ‘Nice tits, nice tits, I see nice tits. Okay. Nice tits.’ Or if you have the time, veer off the road, go into a field, get on your knees and let God know. ‘Nice tits!'” My friend and I could not come to any agreement on this. And so, I was like, “Maybe he’s right.” If we just yell, “No, no, no,” guys just hear their mothers: So, we can’t just say, “Don’t say this, don’t…” Maybe there’s a middle ground. Maybe there’s something you can say. I don’t know what it is. But I had an experience recently that gave me kind of an idea. So, I was in North Carolina and I was walking by myself. And I was on the side of the road and it was dusk. And a white guy in a truck… drove by. And then he stopped… and he pulled back… and he just stared at me out the window. And I was like, “Oh, fuck.” Because if you’re a woman or not white or gay and you’re walking alone in the South and a white guy in a truck pulls up, you know in 20 minutes there’s gonna be candles and flowers right where you were standing, right? That’s… Yeah. Guy rolls down his window and goes, “Excuse me, ma’am. You mind if I say something real creepy to you?” And like an idiot, I walk up to the truck. “Okay.” And then I get mad and I think of… I take a minute and think of all the women from real… Real severe street harassment, acid in the face to just little infractions like “nice tits,” and I’m like, “No. No, you cannot say something creepy.” I go, “No, you cannot and fuck you.” I start walking away proud of myself and realize, “I look crazy.” That’s what happens, is if you’re talking to a girl in a bar and it’s going well and after a minute she’s just like, “Fuck you!” “What did I do?” “Nothing.” But we’re taught to be polite and so, we’re holding it in. All we have to say is, “I don’t feel like talking.” But we talk and we’re like, “Eat shit!” And you’re very confused. And so… We have to get better at that. And so, anyway… he goes, “Ma’am, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry. I…” I just wanted to say I love your boots. That’s it, I love your boots. I was wearing big, black platform boots, he goes: “I’m a married man. I’m not trying to pick you up. I’ve never noticed fashion in my life. Well, I have one more question.” “Here comes a creepy question.” I go, “What?” He goes, “Are they comfortable?” “Yeah.” “That’s a win-win for you, ain’t it?” I’m like: And he said, “Thank you. Thank you for letting me give you that compliment. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t.” And then he drove off. I was like, “He couldn’t have lived with himself if he didn’t give me that compliment.” That is so dramatic. And again, it is hard for men in the world. We must be kind to them. And so… But part of me is evil and I was like: “God, it would’ve been great if I didn’t let him compliment me.” Somehow I got to see the rest of his life played out, that deep regret, you know. It’s just like some kind of play set in the South and he’s just at home every night and he’s like: “I’m not hungry tonight, Martha.” She’s like, “Henry, I made your favorite. Two nights and you haven’t eaten it. You’re all bones. “Are you cheating on me, Henry?” “No, Martha, it’s not about sex. Sometimes things are about… fashion. Son, if you ever get the chance to compliment a woman and don’t take it, you might not be able to live with yourself. Listen to your daddy.” He’s on his death bed, his father is like, “Son, any more wisdom before you go?” And he’s just like, “Black boots,” and then he dies. No one knows what he means. His wife never understood. “Black boots? I know what that means. His daddy was in the war. His daddy wore black boots. He wants to wear his daddy’s boots in his coffin.” And he doesn’t. She’s shoving the daddy’s boots on his corpse feet. And he’s up in heaven, like, “That’s not the black boots I meant. I like women’s shoes. That’s right, Jesus, I like women’s shoes. I can be myself up here.” So… that’s when I started to think. The compliment, if you must yell at us, yell about our outfit, not our bodies. We don’t wanna think about the fact we have a body every five minutes, and you make us think about it all the time, and we don’t want to. You know that feeling when you just have keys and your phone and you feel so free? We’d love to feel that way at the bank, but can’t take our tits and vagina and leave them on the table. So, we’ve got to take these things even at 8:30 in the morning. We’re like, “Oh, God, everyone’s looking.” And, you know… And if someone is like: “Nice ass,” but we don’t feel good, we’re like, “Is that sarcastic?” It’s a whole mind fuck, right? But if you just compliment clothes, we can all get along, right? If you wanna street harass us and you drive by and you’re like, “Sweetheart. Hey, honey… that little bow matches that detail in your shoes. That is not lost on me, baby. I love a good accessory. I hope you’re going to dinner tonight. Doesn’t have to be with a man, could be by yourself. You seem unafraid. I like that. You’re walking with your job and your freedom. And I’m not threatened by that at all. I don’t have to man-splain to you. I’m just letting you know that a plaid and a polka dot can sometimes match. You go, toots.” Thank you guys so much. You’ve been amazing. Thanks again. JKL. Jennifer. – Oh! – Sweetheart. – Hi. – Lovely to see you. – You looked so gorgeous up there. – Mom. Oh, thank you. – Jennifer, what’s all this food? – Oh, that’s part of my rider. – What’s a rider? – It’s like, you know, food they bring backstage. Part of your budget. – You like the show? – They take this out of your pay? This is wasteful. Jennifer, you’re not good with money. It’s not my money. Didn’t like the show or anything or…? Oh, my God. No. Mom, Dad, get out, we’re filming. We’re filming. Cut. – Jennifer, who is this? – Filming what? – This is my real family. – Still speeding. – We can still roll on this? – Why would you do this? Why would you hire people to play us? We’re here. Well, that’s you. It’s already done. She doesn’t look like me. I have blond hair. She has gray hair. And I’m not Oriental, Jen. Oh, my God, Dad, don’t… That’s racist. You’re… I’m Japanese. Oh, Jennifer’s best friend at school was Japanese and she taught Jennifer how to say the word “hello.” – “Konichiwa.” – Konichiwa. But it doesn’t matter. Konichiwa to you. Listen, these are actors hired to represent the character of Jen Kirkman, right? That make it better? What? There’s no character based on your sister, Gail? Okay, Gail, I would’ve put you in it, but you told me when I used to have that joke about how you got caught smoking pot, you said: “Don’t put me in your act anymore.” So, I do not say anything about you anymore out of respect. Jen, you just told that story again… on camera. That’s what she does, she talks about everybody. She called Dad a racist. – He said, “Oriental.” – Maybe we can take a break. Yeah. Where’s the pizza? Did you get any pizza? No, I didn’t get any pizza. I just did a show. And I’m sorry, there’s no part for you, and the reason is not because I didn’t think you’d be good, but you’d make a scene. It’s happening. You’re making a scene. I’m not all comfortable. I’m really not comfortable. – You’re not comfortable? How do we feel? – Jen, why do you ruin everything? – Yeah. Jeez, you know. – I know a great place, guys. – You do? – We should just leave. – Just forget about her. – Were you in the audience, – because I didn’t see you out there. – Yeah. Can we use any of that? Can we use any of that because my parents just ruined my Netflix special and it was kind of fucking awesome.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

CHRIS ROCK AT THE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (1996) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rocks-monologue-saturday-night-live-1996/

Saturday Night Live Season 22: Episode 5 November 2, 1996 …..Chris Rock Chris Rock: What’s up! Good to be back – I live here! So, I guess it’s not good to be back. It’s good to be here – my alma mater. This is where it all started. You know, I’ve been doing a lot of things the last couple of years – doing commercials, Lil Penny, stand-up. What makes me the most happy is doing stand-up – you know, the road, going on tour, checking out America! There’s no more America! Remember when you were a kid, there’d by an America? You’d go see your Grandma, and go to her little town? There’s no more little towns – it’s all malls! And they’re all the same! The mall in St. Louis is the same mall in Detroit.. it’s got the same Gap, Banana Republic, Chess King, Sunglasses Hut, all the same crap! And every town’s got tow malls! They’ve got the white mall, and the mall white people used to go to. ‘Cause they’re ain’t nothing in the black mall! Nothing but sneakers and baby clothes! So, we got a big election coming up. Who’s gonna win – Bill or Bob? Does it really matter? Is there anything you can’t do on Wednesday ’cause your guy didn’t win? “The A Train ain’t running – Dole won.” No! Nothing you can’t do. I like Clinton. You know why I like Clinton? Because he’s got real problems. No, he don’t got President problems, he’s got real problems, like you and me: he’s running out of money, his wife’s a pain in the ass, all his friends are going to jail.. I know Bill Clinton. I am Bil Clinton! And they’re always trying to get Clinton. It’s almost as if we have a black President! They second-guess everything he does. Really, you would think he’s black! And they’re always trying to get him with sexual harassment. Sexual harassment! What is sexual harassment?! What’s the difference between sexual harassment and just being an idiot? I mean, if my father didn’t harass my mother, I wouldn’t be here! I mean, I understand some sexual harassment.. if a man is your boss and says, “Hey, sleep with me, or you’re fired.” That’s sexual harassment. And that’s the only thing that’s sexual harassment! Everything else falls under “Just trying to get laid.” You can’t put a man in jail for that! I don’t care how hard he tries, that’s all he was trying to do! Anita Hill started this whole thing. It’s all about looks, you know? Because if Clarence Thomas looked like Denzel Washington, this would have never happened! She’d be all, “Oh, stop it, Clarence, you nasty! Your fine self!” So, what’s sexual harassment, when an ugly man wants some? “Oh, he ugly! Call the police! Call the authority!” The other thing they’ve been trying to get Clinton on is gays in the military. Everybody’s all homophobic – “Ooh, don’t let him in..” Hey! If they want to fight, let ’em fight, ’cause I ain’t fighting! I wouldn’t care if I saw a Russian tank on Flatbush Avenue. I’m not fighting nobody! And everybody’s so homophobic – everybody in this room has at least a gay cousin! All of you, thinking about it right now. Some of you got gay daddies! I got a gay uncle – I call him “Aunt Tom”. I love my Aunt Tom. I know right now, if I was in a fight, Aunt Tom would come in here, take off his pumps and whoop some ass! You want to vote for somebody that’s gonna change the world? You know what I mean? You don’t want to just waste your vote. Everybody talks about making taxes lower.. I don’t mind the taxes if they go to the right place, you know what I mean? It’s sad that your taxes don’t cover any medical. No medical! I think doctors make too much money. You know why? Because they don’t cure anything! Everything they cured, they cured 50 years ago! They ain’t cured nothing in a long time, man! Diseases are just piling up, man! You got cancer, and sickle cell.. Jerry’s Kids still limping around. Come on, man! Get rid of something! Some diseases they just gave up on! They just said “The hell with it!” You know, like blindness. If you go blind, they don’t got nothing for you! If you go to a doctor and tell him that you’re blind, they say, “Hey, why don’t you get this dog to drag your blind ass around?” What kind of cure is that?! Where’s the medicine? Where’s the science? “I’m blind! I can’t see!” There’s people that can see that can’t handle a dog! Come on, give me a midget, or something! Hey! We got a really great show tonight! The Wallflowers are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

ERIK GRIFFIN: THE UGLY TRUTH (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/erik-griffin-the-ugly-truth-2017-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, live from Laugh Factory Long Beach, Erik Griffin! Hey! What’s up, Strong Beach? Um… I’m feeling special for this special, right? Uh… I’m gonna be honest with you, the ugly truth is, I wanted to be in shape for this. I had big plans, too. I was like, I’m gonna get in shape. Um… hurt my ankle, um… Hurt the ankle. Wish I had a good story, like, I was out on the basketball court and these young kids was like, you can’t guard us, old man. I was like, please, crossover, crossover! That’s not what happened, um… I was actually on my way to a basketball game, opened up the car door and stepped wrong, you know? That’s some old fat shit right there. And then when you sprain your ankle, you do this weird thing where you go like this. Ahh! Ohh! Oh, my God, oh, my God. And then when I was doing that, I sprained the other ankle. So, I needed to go to the doctor, okay? Um, went to the foot doctor, right? And this bitch, right? She looks… She looks at me and goes, you need to lose some weight. And I was like, looking up at her, like, um… cool. But can we discuss my ankle? This one is swollen and… You probably should start exercising. I want to do that. But my ankle… Bitch, man. I’m telling you, you would only say that to a man, you know what I mean? You could only… Can you imagine a woman? You imagine… Ladies, you imagine a doctor looking at you and going, you’re fat and you eat too much. You would kill yourself. It’s much harder to be a fat guy than it is to be a fat girl, I’ll tell you that right now. But of course, women are always like, you don’t know the pressures of being a woman. Hey, there’s no fat guy empowerment song on the fucking radio. There’s no “All About that Bass” for dudes. But every single year, there’s some new song. Big bitches unite! Woo! Big bitches unite! You know what I mean? Every single year, you know? ♪ Big bitches unite ♪ ♪ I’m a big bitch and you know it ♪ It’s like… And we coddle… We like to coddle fat people, you know. You should feel good about you! No. What the fuck are you talking about? I tell the doctor, I… She says to me, she’s like, I say, I was gonna work out, you know. She was like, well, listen. The real problem is fork-to-mouth. You know what I hate when you tell your friends? I told all my friends, I’m gonna lose some weight, watch. They… Everybody becomes the food police. You know, when you’re… Everybody becomes the food sheriff? Every time you reach for food. I thought you was, uh… I thought you was trying to lose some weight. Everybody’s a nutritionist all of a sudden, too. Ooh, that’s not good for you, that’s not good for you. I thought you was… I thought you was trying to lose some weight. I’m in church trying to get communion. Ooh, that’s a lot of Jesus. How much Jesus you gonna have? Why you take peanut butter up there? What you trying… Mind your fucking business. What I’m doing with me and my Lord is none of your business. And then, what… You know what really pisses me off? When they’re hungry, you know? When your friend… When they’re hungry, they… “Hey, let’s go to Fat Burger!” What? I’m an addict. I can’t go to… Fat Burger’s like going to the club, I’m in there like, oh, shit! I’m like, they’re playing my jam. Is that bacon sizzling? So of course, I fall off the wagon, I get the double king burger with the Oreo cookie shake and the chili cheese fries. My friend turns to me. I thought you was, uh… I thought you were trying to lose some weight. Hey, bitch. We’re in Fat Burger. It’s in the name. Fat Burger… They’re not trying to hide. This isn’t a wellness center up in here right now. That’s when they want to look at the menu and tell you what you should’ve ordered. Well, they have a veggie burger on a gluten-free bun. Shit. That’s like going to a whorehouse and cuddling. Um, I’m here to fuck, so… Bring out these Asian girls with the fat burgers, please. So my doctor, though, I’m sitting there and she tells me, since you can’t “work out,” I’m gonna put you on a calorie diet, she said. 2,000 calories a day. That sounds like a lot to me. But apparently, calories are on some kind of peso exchange rate. You have no idea how much calories are until you start counting the shit. Let me tell you something, 2,000 is like, a muffin, two basil leaves, and some Vitamin Water, about that much right there. So I have no idea, so I go to the restaurant, you know, and I’m like, okay gotta count calories. But I still don’t know, I’m like, let me get an appetizer. Uh, let me get the onion ring loaf. Just bring me the onion ring loaf appeti… Okay, that’s 2,000, all right. Um, this is probably 250, 275 calories. This shit was 3,000… 3,000 calories for the… That fucks off my whole day and half of tomorrow. And I’m still waiting on baby back ribs. Had the key lime pie for dessert, had a potato, had a Coke. Had ranch with the… With the onion rings, ranch. Do you know how bad for you ranch dressing is? Let me tell you something. This much ranch right here, that’s like 500-700 calories. That’s the devil’s love juice right there. The devil’s in every kitchen going… Aah. Okay, good, I’m saving lives in here right now. The next time you order ranch, you gonna see this. Ahh! See, the main problem too is how funny fat is. See how we’re laughing? Fat is funny as shit. I’m an actor, okay? When you… When you’re in a… You see the script and it says, you’re a thief. Guess what? You’re not a thief. It says you’re crazy. I’m not crazy. When it says you’re fat. You’re probably fat. When another actor says to your character, you fat fuck! I have a moment of, like… Is that me? Fat is just funny. Fat is the only disease that we just, like, we don’t care, we just laugh at it, we make jokes about it. It’s the only disease. Obesity kills people every single day, right? But nobody else would be like, oh, there go Cancer Charlie! Ahh! What up, Cancer Charlie! Oh, there go Cancer Tina. No-Titty Tina! What up, girl? Oh, look, you’re mortified. See what I’m saying? That’s my whole fucking point. But if it’s somebody fat, you’re just like… Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, hey, hey! Like, it doesn’t matter how tragic a story is. If you find out the person’s fat, you’re not as sympathetic to their plight. They’re about to do a movie about those, like… Remember those miners in Chile that got trapped? Like, what if they were fat? You can’t… Fat guys in a hole, that shit is funny. All I’m saying is it makes a bad situation worse. Like, what if, like, Helen Keller was fat? I know. I know, she’s already deaf and blind! Which begs the question, why wasn’t she fat? Like, what was her workout, you know what I mean? She wasn’t in an aerobic class, ’cause the teacher would be like, Helen! Helen! Helen! Can this bitch hear me? Helen! She’s just standing in the back. She was probably fat. This is a bad example. This is a bad example. Okay, uh… Bad situation worse, okay, like, all right. What if, like, Anne Frank was fat? Aww! I know, the guards would have heard her breathing. She can’t even walk in the attic. Like, imagine how mad the family would be. Anne! Would you shut the fuck… up? What? Are you trying to get caught? Who brought this big bitch up here? Was it you? The diary’d be full of recipes, you know what I mean? Day four. Apple strudel. She just eating chips. Anne! How does this bitch get chips? How the fuck… We up here starving. It just… It makes a bad situation worse. Maybe you couldn’t accomplish the things you accomplish. You know, maybe if it’s brain things, you know, Einstein probably still would have been smart, but would we know who Kobe Bryant is? We wouldn’t know who Kobe is. It makes your achievements harder to achieve. That’s all I’m saying. Like, you couldn’t have a… A fat Jesus. I mean, imagine the logistics. Trying to get fat Jesus on the cross. I mean, you’d have to have a rope and pulley system. They’re trying to nail him, he’s sliding down, you know. All the miracles would be different. He’s walking on water waist deep. I’m your Lord. The last supper’d be a buffet, you know. Judas would be at the buffet. Really, Jesus? How much ranch you gonna put on that lamb? You couldn’t have a fat Moses either, you know? I mean, Moses went on a long walk in the desert. He had all the Jews behind him. Fat Moses would have been like, come on, Jews. Come on, Jews. Ooh… Oh, shit, this is… Goddamn, it’s hot as a motherfucker out here. Hold on, Jews! Oh, shit! Woo! Moses need to stop for a second, Jews. Jews, Jews, oh… Anybody else feet fucked up in these sandals? Okay, new plan, Jews, new plan. The promised land is gonna be right here. Look at all this land. Get comfortable, motherfucker, get comfortable. Oh, God. Such a fat fuck. The problem is it’s so easy to put on weight and so hard to take it off, right? That’s why when I die, I’m going right to human resources. I’m gonna fill out one of those comment cards. I’m gonna change some shit. Food that tastes good should be good for you. If I eat one pound of food, how much weight should I gain? One pound. One pound of Oreos… What the fuck happens to the Oreos? Are we cloning shit inside? We need to figure out this technology, we could feed the fucking world. And what is all this in the toilet? I’m still gaining weight. The human body is a wondrous machine, but there’s some stuff about it I would change. Like, I don’t get balding. Balding doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Right, sir, I see you over there. Like, if hair is gonna arbitrarily leave your body, it should be the ass first, right? You’d be showing off. Baby, you better come in here and look at this shit here. I’m like a ten-year-old boy back there, look at that as. And look at the balls, look at the balls! The human body is weird. How about this, let’s have male and female sexual peaks at the same time, you know? 18 to, like, 27, men are just fuck machines. We wake up in the morning, I gotta make some ranch. This is… Isn’t it crazy that that’s our sexual peak? Women, your sexual peak is, like, 89. Women are, like, you better come tear this pussy up. Don’t make me chase you. It makes me feel like, are men and women even compatible? You know, it doesn’t even make sense to me, like, especially sexually, like, men and women, we don’t even like sex the same. I think women enjoy sex far more than we do. Half the enjoyment for men is getting to yes. We love that. Hey, you wanna fuck me? No? Okay. You wanna fuck with me? Hey, you wanna have sex? No? You wanna have sex? Fuck you, bitch. You wanna have sex? You wanna have sex? Yes? Ahh! See, we wanna… we wanna be with a thousand women. Every woman wants to be with their man a thousand times. And you just enjoy it better, you love it. Like, the female orgasm is probably the most demonic… You ever see one of those scary movies when somebody gets a demon in them and they’re like… Eat my pussy! You know what I mean? It takes over their whole body, like, the female orgasm starts in the leg and they just… Oh, my God! And like, their face looks like somebody hit ’em with a brick. Then they get super emotional. I fucking love you. I fucking love you! I fucking love you! You make a woman do that, she’s like, well, we’re getting married, just FYI. Our… our orgasm isn’t like that, right, fellas? We’re just trying to get rid of it. Get the fuck out of here, you get out of here! Don’t you come back in here, you hear me? Not women, man. You know, some women fake it. You know when they’re not faking it? I’ll tell you right now. They flip you over and get on top. That’s what women love that the best, right? They get on top, they’re crazy. I fucking love you! I fucking love you! That doesn’t feel good. We be down there, like, oh, shit, okay. You just broke my tailbone, we on a mattress. Ooh! That’s when they get the ponytail in, too. Ahh! I love you! And then you make it last forever, too. That’s what I would change. If you’re gonna give women multiple orgasms, let ours last longer than a moment, right, fellas? Right now, we’re just… Okay, wait. If you’re 18… Not women, man. Women are in there. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! You can go to the bathroom, come back. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! You in the kitchen making her a sandwich. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Hey, do you want tomato? Yes! Can you put tomato in the sandwich? Bitch, I’m in the kitchen! I’m in the kitchen! You need to finish in there. Give us some of that, right, fellas? Give us that… You know why we don’t have that? Imagine the mess. It’d be… Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Just get a towel, get a towel and I’ll… Shit. Put down a bucket, put the bucket down, I told you. Close your mouth, I’m a shooter, you know I’m a shooter, just… And women will be like… Ugh, stop it! Turn it off! It’s on my back, it’s on my fucking back, it’s on my back! Do you know I got my fucking hair done today? I can’t even open my eye. So lose weight, you know what I mean? That’s… That’s the whole point of this. Lose some weight. So that’s why I’m a little chubby. Um… just a little bit. Let’s get to the shit, like, why I’m really here, though. I’m here to bitch about shit, you know? I don’t know how to let stuff go. I’m the don’t let stuff go guy. Like, if I… If I pass a store I’ve had a problem with, every time I pass that store, I’m like this. There goes that motherfucking store. And I bet that bitch is in there, too. See, I… I get… I get pissed off about shit. People piss me off, you know? And if I didn’t have comedy, you know what I would need? The Purge, that’s what I would need. The Purge. Oh, God, I wish that was real. The Purge is, like, the best concept for a movie ever. So society can blow off steam, murder is legal for one night a year. Man, you walk out of that theater like… Who would I kill? Like, I don’t care who you are, you had a purge list in that movie. You were in there, like, okay, that bitch is dead. Even the person you were with, you had a moment of, like… Do you understand that we would interact with each other differently if The Purge were real? Like, if you went to work and your boss was yelling at you, you would be like, um… you know the purge is coming, right? I mean, I’m not threatening you. You just acting real purgey right now, that’s all I’m trying to say. I mean, I’m gonna do the reports, but let’s tone it down a little bit, let’s tone it down. Every relationship, that… It would always get to, oh, you gonna purge me, bitch? Like, we would interact with each other… You know, like, there would be jobs that would disappear, professions, gone. Like meter maid. Gone. Who the fuck would do that job? Airport security. Gone. Black women in customer service. Sorry, boo-boo. Sorry, boo-boo. Nobody’s putting up with that bullshit anymore. I’m just trying to return something and she back there, well, you need to have a receipt. Oh, you don’t got a receipt? This motherfucker don’t got a receipt? I can’t see your tag. Oh, Tanisha? Um… You know the purge is coming, right, Tanisha? You should probably take this sweater back without the receipt, I’m just throwing that out at you. And it’s just one night. It was just one night, 12 hours, not even a full day. And they even had an alarm. Like, in The Purge, there was an alarm, like… Purge over, stop killing. I always thought, what if you’re in mid-kill? What if you’re just in mid… You motherfucker… Shit! Fuck! Ahh! Ha ha! You know I’m just playing! Come here! You know I would never… Sit down, boo-boo, sit down. Let me go get that receipt out the car. I had a list of thing I call my purgeable offenses. Things I would purge… I have a list, it’s in my phone. I add to it all the time. Like, pedestrians that are walking across the street with that “we have the right of way” attitude. You supposed to walk across the street with an apologetic skip. You’re supposed to hit the intersection like, oh, car, my bad, I’ll get out your way. Oh, shit, you in a rush, my bad. Here’s how people walk across the street. Purge. They gotta die. They gotta die. They gotta die! Right in the middle of the street. How about these companies and organizations that are asking you to fax them documents? It’s 2016. Who the fuck has a fax machine? I don’t even have a home phone to hook a fax machine up to. You gotta go to Kinko’s and send ’em a piece of paper that says “purge” on it. How about this? I love going to restaurants. I eat out a lot. I love to eat out and I love waiters and waitresses, I know it’s a tough job. I know there’s waiters and waitresses in here and I love you, but I have a request at a restaurant. Write down my motherfucking order. This little up-close magic trick you like to do with your little memory game, I don’t give a fuck. Keep that skill to yourself. Go juggle in the circus or some shit, I don’t care. Write down… You’re giving me anxiety, that’s why I need you to write the shit down. Okay? My order is finicky. I’ll go as far to say as my order is a purgeable offense, I get that. But I need you to write it down, okay? Like, you know… This is my order. They come over. Okay, everybody is done? Okay, cool. Um… turkey burger. Wheat bun, lightly toasted. Let’s get the mayo on the bottom bun, pickles on the side, no tomatoes, let’s grill the onions. I haven’t even got to the French fries and the salad, and don’t get me started on the Arnold Palmer iced tea-lemonade ratio. Here’s why I need you to write down my order, ’cause when you leave the table, this is me. She stopped at another table. How the fuck is she gonna remember all of that? Is this bitch on break? Where’s she going now? Now for 20 minutes, I’m ruining the whole table, ’cause this is me at the table. There is no fucking way… There’s no way she’s gonna remember this order. Here come the burger with tomatoes. Purge. That bitch has to die. She gotta die. How about this? Clubs, bars, restaurants, hotels. Any place that uses cheap toilet paper. Hey, guess what? You’re not saving money. I have to use nine times the amount just to put a dent into this mess. You get some Charmin in here. I have a simple rule. If there’s anything on my finger… Purge. Yeah, that’s… That’s dookie, we gotta burn this down. Um… Who’s in charge of purchasing? They have to die. I travel a lot, too. I travel a lot. I’m a comic, I’m always on a plane, I’m always at an airport. I fucking hate the airport, okay? First of all, people are the problem, all right? There should be two lines at the airport. One for experienced, considerate travelers and then one for assholes. The asshole don’t even know he’s the asshole. It’s the dude that’s overdressed. Too many layers. You know the guy? Three-piece suit, poncho, beanie, wrestling belt buckle, janitor keys, pager, change in his pocket. Hey, are you doing laundry on the plane? Is there some kind of vending machine on this motherfucker I don’t know about? And then he’s got too many trays, ’cause he’s too cheap to check in his big electronics. You know the big electronics guy? Six laptops, a VCR. Where the fuck are you going with the VCR? Check this in, dude. And then you can’t go to the bathroom at the airport, because everybody’s in a rush. Pull-out-his-dick-too-soon guy always comes in. The guys know who I’m talking about. You know this dude? Just dick out, early, for no reason. There’s no business for his dick to be out this early. Like, this is the urinal over here and the door is over here. And he wants to walk in… Excuse me, why is your dick out already? Okay, this is the dick out zone right here, dick out zone. Okay, all this was dick in, this was all dick in. Yeah, over here was dick in, this is all dick in. And then I thought he grazed me with it on the way by. You know, I’m peeing and just like… Ooh, is that dick? And it took him too long to put it away, I had to step in. Hey, man. Can you put your dick away? What’s it to you? Uh, this is baggage claim, okay, so… Your dick has been out since gate 75. Put the shit away. I tell you the people that get on my nerves the most at the airport is when you’re at the gate trying to board. Now, look, I got to… I’ve done well for myself, okay? I got a lot of airline miles, I travel a lot. I’m in the good group. I got the credit card. I’m zone one. They call me first. Zone one. Zone one can board the plane. And you know I got that zone one walk. I’m slapping five with zone two. What’s up, zone two? Keep working hard, zone two, keep working hard. I can’t stand when I’m trying to board the plane and these zone seven people are standing in the fucking way. You know, and they’re looking at their ticket like they don’t know. Is it our turn? Who is it? Oh, it’s not… Oh, okay. Hey, riffraff. Can you please get your middle-seat ass out the fucking way? People that made good life choices are trying to get on this plane. Listen to all these zone seven motherfuckers right now. There should be a purge line into an alligator pit, you know what I mean? But I tell you the people you need to set on fire is people with babies. Babies. Oh, fuck you. Babies on an airplane? I’m always like… When I see the baby, I’m like, hey, where the fuck are you going with this baby? Whoever you’re taking this baby to see, tell them to come see you. Hey. Tell Nana get her old ass on an airplane. If she can’t fly, get that bitch on a Greyhound, all right? But you know people with babies, they always say, well, we deserve to have a real life, too. No. No, no, you wanted to have a baby. That’s your life now, don’t put that shit on us. I didn’t get to enjoy making this baby, I don’t want to deal with this little motherfucker. People with babies shouldn’t be allowed to do shit in public for five years. Or until their baby learns the words “shut the fuck up.” You ever at a restaurant, trying to impress a chick, here comes the toddler cockblocking you in the booth. Hi. Hi! She’s pretty. Who the fuck’s kid is… I can’t stand to see babies out… At a grown folks’ activity. It’s selfish. You know what it is, you know what it is? Parents are desensitized, that’s all it is. They don’t know all the nonsense that’s going on is supposed to be at home. Remember your friend before they had the kid, you would go to their house, you had to use a coaster. You had to take your shoe off to go inside, the walls were clean, there was adult shit on the stereo. Two years later, it’s Jumanji in that bitch. Monkeys on the chandelier, you’re stepping on toys, Elmo is blasting on the goddamn TV. And they’re oblivious. Hey! Come on in. Just step over all these fires, it’s fine, we’re gonna put them out later. And then they bring all that to a restaurant like the shit is okay. You know what I resent at a restaurant? Is that you have to pretend like you’re okay with little kids. You know, you have to be like, oh, he’s adorable! Oh, how old is he? Oh, look how fast. He’s fast, he’s so fast, look how fast he is. Ooh, his little legs are so fast in the restaurant, he’s so fast. Let me tell you something. Bringing your little toddler to a restaurant is equivalent to bringing an exotic bird to a restaurant. Imagine you’re in the back of a… You just enjoying yourself and all of a sudden you hear… What the fuck is going on in here? Oh, it… It got my bread! It took my bread! Let me tell you the difference between a bird and a toddler. Nothing. The only real difference is how we can respond. At least with a bird, you can be like this. Hey! Get your fucking bird! Who the fuck brings a bird to a restaurant, man? I’ll eat this motherfucker, I swear to God. Can’t do that with a four-year-old. Haven’t you been close, you just want to snatch a kid. Come here! Stop moving! Whose is this? Is this you? Is this you?! You take him, you just throw him on the table. Seat belt that motherfucker. So annoying. But I gotta say, babies are still the worst. People take babies places, I don’t know why. You know, two places I can’t stand the most. The first one is Vegas. You ever go to Vegas? And there’s the young parents with their new kid, you know, the mom’s over by the slot machine, pregnant with another one. Hey, you’ve already made a bad decision. You gambled on the pull-out and lost. So let’s take the little money you wasting on this trip and put it in a college fund so your kid can escape your bullshit. Vegas, listen, young parents, Vegas is over for you, or get a babysitter, okay? I should be able to walk down the strip, I need some pussy tonight! Here you are with your kid. Oh, hey, my kid! You know what? Fuck your kid! This is Vegas! But you guys know the absolute worst place to take a baby is a movie theater. Yeah, you’re a selfish bitch. Oh, I know, Batman Superman’s out. But guess what? You don’t get to see it. Netflix for you, Amazon, Hulu. They’re always in the theater like they’re helping, too, right? Shh… Shh… Get the bag. Shh… Shh… Is somebody making a latte in this motherfucker? I’m in the movie and this woman’s breastfeeding. Titty out, no regard. I know it was out, I didn’t need to see it, you know what I mean? You know how I know? This is all I heard. You are tearing that titty up. I mean, is there titty for everybody? I mean, is there chocolate on that nipple? Then there’s cell phones going off, and let’s be honest. Isn’t vibrate a ringtone? Your phone is on. Man, you don’t hear your phone? It’s in the cupholder. Purge. That bitch has to die. The baby dies. I personally… I can’t stand people that don’t know how to use their cell phone. So annoying, you know. People are so inconsiderate with their phones, you know? Girls will text you an important question and then throw their phone across the room. Hey, what time’s the movie? – Every guy gets right back to ’em, right? – 00. Now we’re walking around for 20 minutes. Hello? Hello? Hey, are we going to this motherfucking movie? Hello? That’s when they come back, calm down. I’m busy, I’m not waiting by my phone for you. Oh, for sure, if this was 1987. I’m sure you wouldn’t be waiting by your one phone that’s connected to the den wall. Since we’re in 2016, you’re literally always waiting by your phone. Too busy taking a selfie. This is me not returning your text. So annoying. My mom is the worst with the cell phone. The absolute worst. She had to have an iPhone, right? My mom’s not dumb, she just stopped learning shit in ’83. You know what I mean? Like, ’83 is when she was like, you know, I don’t need any more knowledge. Like, my mom has a fax machine. This bitch has a fax machine hooked up 24 hours a day. Who is faxing you, Mom? She’s stubborn. My mom is so stubborn. Like, this is an example. I’m in the car with my mom, I’m driving. She looks out the passenger window and says, Eric, look! It’s Antonio Banderas. Listen, I don’t even need a long glance to know that’s not Antonio Banderas, okay? I just needed one of these. Ma, that’s not Antonio Banderas. She’s like, I know Antonio Banderas when I see Antonio Banderas. That is Antonio Banderas. Okay, I’m gonna go over why it probably wasn’t. Let’s open with the 1997 Ford F150 that the dude was driving. But you know what? I’m not gonna assume shit. I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that’s the first car Antonio bought and he’s feeling nostalgic. He went into the garage, like, you know what? Get me the F150! I’m gonna give her that. But I thought the gardening equipment in the back of the truck… and the phone number to his service on the side… I know my mom saw that, but she’s so stubborn, she had to come up with a story. Well, Antonio is a nice man, his gardener obviously hurt himself and he is taking his truck back to his place, obviously. My mom had to have an iPhone. I said, okay. She can barely work the remote control to the TV, so I said, okay, I’ll get you an iPhone. For the first week, every first text message was completely blank. With a follow-up phone call, “Did you get my text?” She figured out the texting, right? And then the second week, she ask me these dumb questions. Hey, how do you get out of this window? The iPhone has one button. You would think out of curiosity, she would just press that one button. But apparently, that’s the… You know, the… the conveniently placed self-destruct button. My mom is on Facebook, so this is a can of worms in itself. My mom can’t figure out that status messages aren’t private messages. So she’s having a full-on conversation with her sister about going to the gynecologist on one of my pictures. I got friends and fans and people chiming in. Man, your mom’s pussy… Now I gotta block her. I had to block her on Facebook and then lie to her. I can’t seem to find you. You don’t know what you doing, Mom! You know… My mom, she’ll… She’ll ask a question and the nature of the question, you know, she don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. Here’s a Facebook question from my mom. Erik, when I get a Facebook message on the cell phone, I get that same message on the computer. How do I make that stop? I was like, okay, let’s roleplay, Mom. I’m gonna be you. I’m gonna ask you a similar question. Maybe that’ll help you understand. Erik… “Scandal” came on on the upstairs TV. And on the downstairs TV, “Scandal” came on. How do I make that stop? Well, she got mad as shit, just so you know. That’s not the same thing. She was like, I’m not stupid, I know how to do stuff. That’s her favorite thing to say. I’m not stupid, I know how to do stuff. So I’m gonna tell you guys the moment that I was, like, do not call me for customer service for this phone ever again. Here’s what happened, my mom uses Gmail. I put the Gmail app on her phone, got her password, boom, boom, boom, save. Now she can go to Gmail on the phone. My mom can’t remember her password to save her own life. Now, she’s on the computer and she can’t log in. You know what she does? She clicks the link “forgot my password.” That makes you change your password. So boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, change, save. She’s working, working, working. Let’s go back to the cell phone. The saved password on the cell phone no longer works. You know what she does? Forgot my password. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, save. Let’s go to the computer. Forgot my password. My mom’s caught in an iPhone Groundhog Day. And then she calls me on my stepfather’s phone mad. You know you got me a faulty iPhone. So now, I gotta rush over there and try to help her out, right? So I… What I did was I sat and watched her for, like, an hour, like this. Now Google is making her verify her identity. She done done this shit so many times, like, bitch, who the fuck is this? So she had to use an alternate e-mail. Okay, my mom put my stepfather’s e-mail in, I just wanted to make sure it was okay. I said, Ma, you know you put Michael’s e-mail. This is my mom. No, I didn’t. Why would I do that? I’m not stupid. Ma, I’m not calling you stupid, I’m just saying, you put Michael’s e-mail, do you know you did that? I didn’t do that, why would I do that? I’m not dumb. So I say, okay. Tell me your theory as to how this e-mail got here. This is what my mother said to me with a straight face. Well, maybe Google knows we’re married. Purge. That bitch is dead. She’s got to go! You know they say you end up with someone like your mom? That scares the shit out of me. That’s why I online date. I like to go… Online dating is great. You gotta go into online dating, but it’s just… There’s too many sites for people that already have something in common. Like, JDate seems like a stupid site. Jews already know where Jews are. You don’t need a site for that. Black People Meet, another dumb site. You know what’s the worst? Christian Mingle. Christians already have a place that they should meet other Christians. Are you telling me that Christians are at church going like this? Uh… I don’t trust any of these motherfuckers. We should go to the internet, let’s go to the internet. Farmers are the only people that should be online. And the reason is is they gotta walk 65 acres to get to the next… By the time you get to the next farm, you like, what’s up, girl? It’s hot as a motherfucker out here, huh? Anyway, would you like to go out? No? Fuck! You gotta put a sign up. Look, we’re all online. That’s why I need to know about you, you need to know about me, so let’s have all your crazy on your profile. I’m just saying, be you. Be who you are currently… online. I don’t want to see a picture that’s 30 pounds lighter. 15 years younger. Whatever defines you, have that on your profile. When I shake your hand is not when I’m supposed to find out about your hook. First date is not hook time, okay? I’m not supposed to be like, oh, okay, this bitch has a hook, okay, um… Hey! No, all your pictures should be like… You should be hanging on shit. Fuck you, you can’t come with the hook on the first date. And I want to plan a proper date, too. What if I want to do something off the beaten path, I want to take you to make pottery. I’m trying to redo “Ghost” and you fucking it up. Would you use your other hand, bitch? What are you doing over here? No, if I find out you have a hook, I’m taking you fishing. You on the side of the boat… You fucking pull out a marlin and shit. Be you online. And don’t have this picture, either. From here to here, that’s catfishing. That’s not enough. I don’t know what you are from here to here. You could be anything, you could be a centaur for all I fucking know. You imagine you get on a blind date and some chick is… This bitch is a centaur. Hey! What? Centaur! You know, when you said bring a saddle, I had a whole different… you know. You gotta ride her on the date. Oh, is that your titty? I’m sorry. You… This is not enough. She could… She could be a mermaid. Just in water, waiting for you at the restaurant. This bitch is a mermaid. We’re at a sushi restaurant. Do you see how that’s not a good date? Okay, that’s all make-believe. Let me give you a real example. Let’s say you seen just this picture. You hitting it off, two, three weeks. Get on a date and she’s in a wheelchair. Oh, really? Oh, really? So let me get this straight. I don’t know the chick’s in a wheelchair and somehow I’m the asshole right now? Just ’cause she texted I’m rolling through around 7:00. And you know what? Fuck all of you hypocrites. If this was coming at you at a restaurant… Hey! You’d all be like, this motherfucker’s in a wheelchair. Hey! Excuse me. Is the centaur still here? Can you… Look outside and see if the centaur is here. What if you, like, you all the way across the room, restaurant, and here she coming in, I’ll be right over! Is that your purse? Oh, God, did I spill your drinks? I’m so sorry. You’re gonna be like, this motherfucker is in a wheelchair. All I’m saying is the chair should be in the picture. Is that fair? The chair should be in the picture, you know what I mean? She should be just like… She should be popping a wheelie in the picture. That’s like every online profile picture should be this. And you should be able to turn it like a car website. Put different clothes on it. Let me see these titties in a sundress, you know what I mean? Even wheelchair girl should have to do it. Put some spinners on that. Okay. That part was too far, fuck you. But my whole point is I want to plan a proper date. Right? I don’t know what… Where the hell I’m gonna take… What if I want to go dinner and dancing? What the fuck do you do? You know, if you’re… You know, every guy would do the same thing. You just roll her ass out on to the dance floor and just fucking go for this shit. While she’s doing the electric slide. Two hops. Please, fuck… The whole crowd would be like, Oh! We doing it! All I’m saying is you gotta tell me you’re in a wheelchair so I can plan a proper date. You tell me you’re in a wheelchair, we’re going to Six Flags. We got the good parking out front. And we get to jump the line, too. Excuse me. My boo boo is on wine. So we gotta go online. But have all your crazy, by the way. Not just physical. If you got Tourette’s, that’s a first date… That should be on your profile, TourettesGirl87. I don’t… Dick, pussy, butt, fuck, shit. This bitch has Tourette’s. Like, whatever your crazy is, you gotta tell it. Like, let me tell you what happened to me. I went on this date. And we about to order food when she hits me with this little gem. Hey, you know I’m a vegan, right? No, bitch. Would we be in this barbecue restaurant? You know why I was mad? She didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. You tell me you’re vegan, I’m taking you to the broccoli shack. We’re going to the celery hut. Wherever the hell you need to go, I’m gonna take you there. What really pissed me off is she smoked. She was a smoking… vegan. I told her, I said, that’s like wearing a condom with a hole in it. And I don’t hate vegans, I’m not trying to hate on vegans. I’m just saying, you know, don’t disguise your nasty food with shit that I like. Don’t misrepresent what this is. Like, have you ever had vegan pizza? Ugh. Vegan pizza is like a transvestite. From a distance, you’re like this. Well, what do we have here? And then you take a bite. Is that dick? I think that’s dick. There’s dick on this. Can you get me the real cheese? Listen, you guys have been a very fantastic crowd. Thank you very much for coming out. I love you Long Beach! Thank you. ♪♪

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COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS: DAVE ATTELL (1999) – Full Transcript

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Dave Attell (S02E07) is the seventh episode of season two of “Comedy Central Presents” released on Sat Jul 10, 1999. Announcer: From New York City… ( Cheering, applause) Thank you very much. All right, back at you. Yeah, mm-hmm. Yeah, uh-huh, why not? How’s it going? You guys are into it. I like it. For those of you who don’t know me, get a look at it. You see it? I have kind of a weird look. I have kind of a, uh… Andre-Agassi-with-a-drinking- problem kind of look. Not many ladies go for it. It’s their loss. That’s the way I see it. We’re here for fun and this is when fun happens– late. Hanging out with your friends– late. Listen to that mother of two. (Light laughter) that’s when all the fun happens– late hanging out all night. You know how it is… fun. Go home a little early, right? Mistake. You get that call the next day. You know that call. “You shoulda hung out, man.” (Laughter) “You shoulda hung out, man.” Well, what happened? ( Deep sigh): “Oh…” That’s what a lie sounds like. ( Deep sigh): “Oh…” Ten minutes after you left…” It’s always ten minutes after you leave. That’s when all the fun shows up like the fun mobile’s ten blocks behind you just waiting, watching. “Ten minutes after you left, the spice girls broke in “and had sex with everybody, yeah. “Even the fat kid wearing the Babylon 5 t-shirt “he got a little. And it’s never going to happen again.” Yeah. I make my own fun. Like today, I’m sitting on the couch, right? My dog’s licking himself, right? I’m touching myself, right? We catch each other’s eyes, we both start laughing. Now, uh… He went from pet to friend really quick you know what I’m saying? You got to make your own little fun that’s the way I see it. Go out, have a couple of drinks. Why not? You know what my drink is? Jack Daniels. Yes. That is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money you know what I’m saying? ‘Cause on Jack, you don’t know where you’re going to end up but you know when you get there, you won’t be wearing any pants. That’s the way it works. I’m drinking Jack and I started blacking out. You ever black out? Or as I call it “time travel.” You ever do that? Oh, yeah, you know how it is– you’re drinking, you black out, you wake up you’re at another bar, you’re drinking you black out, you wake up you’re playing that knife game with a half-Indian somewhere in north Dakota. Yeah… yeah… Winner fixes the trannie, yeah! You’re drinking, you black out you wake up, you’re in white castle… (Laughter) Working there three years still not assistant manager. Your buddies tell you to quit, but you can’t ’cause your banging the slow girl on the fry-o-later. (Laughter) They say she’s a little dim, but those titties ain’t dim! (Laughter) That’s sounds like a little country Western tune. (Humming country Western song) (Laughter) No, this is New York. This is like the house-music capitol. ¶ You got to work it ¶ ¶ you got to push it. ¶ I don’t got to do anything! (Laughter) I don’t like being ordered around by my music, all right? Take it down a notch… Just a little bit. There’s one guy– the worst guy in the music– the yanni man. You know yanni, right? First of all anyone who looks like a magician and doesn’t do magic I don’t like. I don’t even like magic. I hate it, but I love the word “ta-da.” I love that word. I don’t get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You can’t just walk around going: “Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da.” (Laughter) The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising like if I go out drinking all night hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money. “Ta-da.” I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt? Now, I feel like a cigarette. You can’t smoke anymore. It’s sad, right? I like smoking, ’cause when you smoke you know what you won’t be doing tomorrow like kayaking and bungee-jumping and bike riding and Mountain climbing. I had a hat blow off in a strong wind I’m like, “I’ll get another one. I ain’t moving for nothing.” (Laughter) Sometimes you need a cigarette though, right? Like after sex, you want a cigarette. After you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man… (Laughter) You need a cigarette. ( Light laughter) you don’t roll off someone and go, “ooh, that was amazing. Skittles? Would you like a skittle?” (Laughter) “How about a jolly rancher, baby? You want a jolly rancher?” (Laughter) And after bad things happen, you need a cigarette, right? Like, let’s say, I don’t know… You kill a guy with a hammer, you need a cigarette ’cause sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both, don’t you? “Damn, I got to get the hell out of here. What was I thinking?” (Laughter) I know what women like. I know you’re looking at me thinking, “how does he know?” I know. I know what they like– lots and lots of attention. You might call it stalking, but they love it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Come on. They’ll try and fool you with a restraining order “whoo! Oh, you got me.” I’m hanging out in a bus station guy comes up to me, he’s just got one tooth, just one and he’s not even taking good care of it, neither. (Laughter) You think when you only got one tooth that you’d take really good care of it. Not this guy. He had his own agenda. He comes up to me, right? He’s like, “can I help you?” Help me do what, remember to brush and floss? What can you help me do? He’s like, “oh, no, I thought you needed some directions.” If I need directions I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg ’cause he definitely knows the easiest way to get there. Am I right? Oh, yeah. (Laughter) So why not? Why not? Why not? If there’s a shortcut that one-legged guy knows where it is. You won’t be hopping fences or climbing ladders. He’ll get you right there. I like a man with one leg. I like that look. You like that look? I like it, the way they come up to you. ( Groans) they always look like they’re going to tell you something really important, you know what I’m saying? “It’s very slippery out today.” (Laughter) “The elevator’s broken.” That guy’s got information. He’s helping everyone. Thank you, one-legged man. Thank you. “It’s all right.” ( Light laughter) when you got one leg, you got a good story, right? When things are boring, you can always tell that one-legged story. How’d you lose that leg? It’s always something really manly, right? “Land mine, ’69.” See, a guy with one arm, he’s got a story, too. “Snowblower, bottle of whiskey.” (Laughter) You see a guy with one tooth, where is the story there? What could the story be? Well, how did it happen? “Well, I like a lot of Taffy. (Laughter) I got into a couple of fights in my time… right? You know what happens when you get in a fight sometimes? You wet your pants. (Laughing, groaning) It’s not ’cause you’re scared. That’s just your balls telling your legs it’s time to move out. I’m getting into a fight with guy– a crazy man. After a show, it turns out he’s an ex-Navy seal. These guys know how to fight on the land, sea and in the air. There’s no escaping them and I’m doing all right until he starts fighting. Now it’s really a brawl, you know what I’m saying? Anyhow, I wake up, I’m at home I’m sitting on the toilet, crying. Not that kind of big girl, we-ran-out-of-ice-cream cry. I’m really crying. Thinking, “it’s over. “Thank God I’m alive. Tomorrow is another day.” Who comes swimming up the toilet? (Laughter) The Navy seal man, right into my butt, making me do things! (Laughter) I like that story ’cause it starts really manly and ends kind of queer. That’s the way I like it. (Laughter) You’re thinking I’m homophobic. I hear it all the time. “Dave, you’re probably gay.” What? “Well, you talk about being gay, so you probably are gay. “You probably secretly want to have sex with another man.” And I say, “listen, voice in my head…” (Laughing) “I do not.” “How do you know you wouldn’t like it? How do you know you wouldn’t love it?” I know I wouldn’t like it or love it, ’cause one time during a terrible gardening accident… (Laughter) I sat on a cucumber, all right? It happens… yeah. You never see it on E.R., but it’s happening! Every eight minutes out there, someone’s sitting on a cucumber or a papaya, if you live in Hawaii. We need programs. If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quick: a pair of ice tongs and a friend who can keep a secret. I got a little secret: I’m a fat pig. How’s that? I’m getting fatter as we speak. I’m getting fat. This is [Indistinct] And you can’t see it, ’cause I’m fat. I am fat, everyone. Oh, yeah. And the summertime is not fat-man weather I’ll tell you that right now, right? You ever see a fat man in the summer? He always looks like he’s trying to remember something really important. He’s like… (Laughter) Oh, wait. I remember– I’m fat. I got it. I like a fat man in the cold. That’s when he looks good, right? You see a fat guy in the cold, he’s not fat. He just looks prepared. Look at him! He knows what he’s doing. He’s got supplies right on him. Ready for the winter months. Yeah, you know what I like to do on a night like this? Sit in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: Find the smell. Have you ever played that game? Okay. (Laughter) I was playing… Luckily, it was me you know what I’m saying? It was that kind of scary smell. I hate when I go over to someone’s house and they got that air freshener smell. Who are you fooling? I know you did something smelly and now you don’t want me to smell it, right? It’s some kind of illegal odor out there and I’m going to get to the bottom of it. Right? It’s always some lemon-scented thing, right? Lemons. I’m in the bathroom. Lemons. What, is there a lemonade stand in here somewhere? I’d like a glass of lemonade. And it never just smells like lemons. It always smells like lemons and ass you know what I’m saying? Like a lemon ass (Laughter) And nothing beats ass. (Laughter) Lemon’s just trying to catch up. Ass is laughing. Hah! Never drink alone, that’s what they say, but you know what? If you drink enough, you will never be alone, all right? People will find you and that’s when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sitting around, doing nothing. Right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothing to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fish tank, all right? No, I did it just to show them who’s boss, all right? They were getting a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubbling. He’s like, “bla…?” Then they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn’t it? (As grandmother): “Get that (Bleep) out of the fish tank! Time for supper.” I’m in there for the porno. I like a good porno movie. I’m even watching gay porno now. I’m running out of straight porno. I just pretend it’s two straight guys that got there really early you know what I’m saying? Oh, you’re right, that is a great joke. (Laughter) That one is good. If only it was a joke. Some people are against porno movies, and I say: “Hey, Ohio, Kentucky and Iran…” I say, hey. (Laughter) Whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and midget do to a donkey that’s their gosh darn business. (Laughter) It’s just masturbation. Where’s the harm in it? Where is the harm in it, I ask you. I masturbate. I do it like I think if I keep doing it I’m going to win something. That’s the way I do it. One shot, one kill. Two men enter, one man leave. There can be only one highlander. (Laughter) Have you ever got caught masturbating? And I hope it doesn’t happen to you all right, now, listen up. There’s a lot of young people here. Listen up, this could save you a lot of years, all right? I’m telling you. This is what you do: You get caught masturbating, okay? Your fantasy world has collapsed on you, all right? Now, it’s just you and shame hanging out together once again. This is what you do: First, look surprised. And don’t worry, you will be surprised. “Huh? What’s happening?! Oh, bad locksmith.” (Laughter) Then say this, okay: “Quick, get some help! “My hand and peenie are fighting. “Get some help, a hot towel and a chicken burrito. This is a battle royale.” (Humming country tune) I’m bombing. So… (Laughter) That’s not what I wanted. I wanted balloons with happy faces. (Laughter) Yeah, my brother’s a pilot. I got another brother who’s a computer expert and I’m a comic. We’re like some kind of weird a-team. (Laughter) I want to see that mission. “We need you to fly into Iraq, get into the computer system tell a couple of midget jokes.” Yeah… that’ll distract them. (Laughter) We live in a racist world. I know. I was down in Augusta, Georgia. Ever been down there? Klan meeting going on. Why is the klan still having meetings? Is there any new business with the ku klux klan? (Laughter) “Well, we do hate… We hate everybody, right? Okay, see you next week.” (Laughter) The most racist place I’ve ever been– Alaska. Up there working for the government– operation: Blue ball. Can’t tell you anymore about it. Thank God I did it. They got a klan up there, too, and they are bitter. Why? There’s only one minority guy in the whole state. You go to a klan meeting, it’s like, “we got to get Eric.” (Laughter) It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do men like breasts, and that’s the way it works. They like breasts and they like looking at them. It calms them and quiets them. It’s like a mace shot without all the rolling around and screaming. Men like looking at breasts, especially the cleavage. The cleavage… Thrusting it out at me making me do things making me listen to you. It’s crazy. I can’t do that. I can’t walk around with half a testicle hanging out, can I? Oh, I’m sorry, you caught me. That, too, is a fashion statement. It’s called “time for a new pair of bloomers.” (Laughter) So, I’ll give you a little advice– never let a woman put a condom on you. It’s embarrassing. It’s like, “oh, look. “Oh, look, there’s still more room. ( Dry chuckle) “We could tie it off and use it again “and again, it seems ’cause you’re kind of tiny, tiny.” (Laughter) Every man wonders about the size… Their size of their member, right? Whether you’re a new cop to the force or a young man yawning. What are you yawning at? What, were you building a tree house all day? This is the most exciting thing that’s going to happen to you so focus! (Laughter) Laying in bed alone at night, I started thinking crazy thoughts at first, right? What kind of job could I get? What would be a dream job for me? Manager of a chocolate factory run by big-breasted hookers. (Laughter) No, I don’t got the schooling for that. Then you settle down and you focus. I wonder if I have a small penis or just gigantic balls? I don’t know. (Laughter) Luckily, there’s a test. The first time you show it to your girlfriend or fiancee or press it up against a bus window or something… (Laughter) If someone looks at it and stares and goes: ( Baby talk): “Oh… look at it. “Look at him, like a little baby Jesus. Look at him.” Time to buy a Porsche, I’m telling you right now ’cause you’re going to need a little help. Women love mystery, that’s what they like– little surprises. Tonight, when you go home add a little mystery to your relationship. When your lady leaves the room take a dump on the floor. Honestly. No, really. Hear me out. There is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor and it always starts a conversation, am I right? “Honey, is that what I think… “I think it is! You better hold me, ’cause I’m afraid.” Get a load of this, everyone. Even as we’re all sitting here somewhere out there somewhere someone’s having sex with an animal. Yeah… And some of you are thinking: “Let’s get there before there’s a line.” Well, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m not even… ( Sputtering) No. People are having sex with animals and then we wonder why the animals attack us. I’ll tell you why. ‘Cause of that sick man and it’s up to me and a half-Mexican to stop them. (Laughter) I’m watching that animal attack show, right? It’s a bullfight in Spain, right? The bull… the bull, he’s, like, got the guy down, right? So then this other guy jumps in and the bull sees him and gets him down with his horns and rips off his pants and underwear just with his horns! Not with cocaine or promises of acting work or something. No. Just the horns that God gave him. Then get a load of this. It gets scarier, right? The guy gets up and he starts running and running with his penis flapping around in the air. He doesn’t even try and cover it ’cause he’s so afraid screaming, “help! Help!” I don’t know what that is in Spanish. “Help-o! Help-o!” — Whatever it is. This guy is afraid. ( Laughter, applause) ‘Cause that’s what fear looks like, I’m telling you– a man running around with his thing flapping around in the air. If you walk out of here tonight and you see a man running down the street with his thing flapping in the air run with that man… (Laughter) ‘Cause there is some scary stuff coming the other way. Thank you very much. You guys have been a lot of fun. Thank you. Cheering)

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

LISA LAMPANELLI: BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD (2015) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lisa-lampanelli-back-to-the-drawing-board-2015-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lisa Lampanelli! ¶ Hello, New York! All right. Welcome to the best night of your sad, pathetic freakin’ lives. This is gonna be a great night ’cause not only am I hilarious, you get to look at me for over an hour. Go ahead. Oh, yes. Work, bitch. No, I’m telling you, you may have noticed I made some appearance changes, recently lost 107 pounds. What! “What’d you say? Ooh, 107. She look good.” And here’s the thing. It’s enough of an accomplishment to lose that weight, but I actually kept it off for three freakin’ years, and I know, that’s the hard part, right? And you know what? I know you guys look at me like a life coach, a mentor, a role model, and so I’ll you how I kept it off. I don’t hold no freakin’ secrets. Listen to this shit. If you learn to use bulimia the right way– Just eat stuff that tastes as good coming up as it did going down. Just saying. No, that actually isn’t even true, but it’s God’s cruel joke that I was ever freakin’ fat. It freakin’ sucked, ’cause I was born skinny. I wasn’t born to be a fat cunt. Guess what happened. I hit 18, everything went crazy, it did, so I went every goddamn diet in the world, and let me tell you all about ’em, ’cause they’re all designed to make us fucking failures and hate ourselves more, this diet industry. First of all, that Weight Watchers, they can lick my left clam, okay? Right? And oh, my God, Nutrisystem? Are you fucking kidding me what that shit? All I can say about Nutrisystem is that Marie Osmond is a lying freakin’ whore, okay? That boxed food tastes like Mrs. Dog the Bounty Hunter’s snatch hole. Ugh, and then this Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig. I tried that horrible program twice, it don’t work. Maybe the reason it don’t work is ’cause every time I go there, the counselor who’s trying to make me lose weight is still fucking fat. Really? Oh, okay, I’m gonna trust a fat bitch on how to lose weight. Why don’t I just call up Bill Cosby for some rape prevention advice? Yeah, you can clap. He’s a raper. He is a raper. But seriously, I wasn’t even supposed to be fat during my life. Oh, my God, but I went away to college. That’s when it all started. I was lonely. It’s terrible. I used food for emotional reasons. Some of you fat bitches know what I’m talking about. Look at this whore. No, not by rubbing it on your junk, bitch. I’m talking about you use it as a friend, and yes, did I eat an ice cream sandwich in the shower? Yes, I did, but I’m a freakin’ lady. The one time I ate pork chops on the toilet, I flushed those bones. But college was hard, man, and honestly, I’m telling you only the truth tonight about myself. Okay, the worst thing that happened to me in college was the night that I had a date rapist who took no for an answer. How unattractive must you feel when the known rapist you thought you could count on just to stick the tip in just a little after all the sororities rejected you, how must you feel when that guy looks at his watch and says, “Eh, you know what? “It’s kind of late. Those joggers in the park ain’t gonna rape themselves, so–” I’m like, “Come back, Dr. Huxtable, come back!” So honestly, I struggle with my weight. 18 years old to 50, and three years ago, I said, “Fuck it. I’m gonna save my own life.” ‘Cause let me tell you, if I die, who the hell else is gonna come out here and call you all spics and blacks and cunts? Nobody’s brave like Lisa Lampanelli. So here’s what ha-happened. I go to this doctor, and he says he’s gonna do this operation called the “gastric sleeve.” This means they cut out 85% of your stomach so you can’t eat like you got ten rectums no more. And of course I get the funny doctor. Like, this is the thing, man. Okay, everybody’s nervous during surgery, but my doctor thinks he’s hilarious. He’s one of them Indian doctors, you know? No, no, not the, you know, laying in a curb drunk by a casino Indian. You know, not the bad negotiating, they’ll take a fucking necklace and give us Rhode Island fucking idiots. Feather-headed morons. No, I’m talking about that other type of Indians. You know, the stinky cow-worshiping guys. Expedia.com thinks a freakin’ cow is a god. Are you fucking kidding me? So headset not headdress Indian. So anyway, so it ends up, I go for the surgery. 5:00 a.m., I get to the hospital. I get all nervous. I said to him, “Listen, Dr. Apu, I have a question. “Can I get my stomach back reinstalled if I get hungry?” And guess what he says. He’s like, “Oh, no, no, no, no, “no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, “my friend, my friend, my friend, my friend. “We’re going to use your stomach to cover the infield at Yankee Stadium.” You know what’s wild too? Ever since I lost the weight, every interviewer starts with, “Oh, my God, you must love the way you look.” Let me tell you something. I’m 53 freakin’ years old. In clothes, I’m clearly ridiculously hot. In clothes, I am a tasty piece of ass. However, out of clothes, just like the rest of you messes over 40, I am freakin’ horrifying. No, people, I don’t give a crap if you were a supermodel when you were in your 20s. Right now, keep your goddamn clothes on. You make me fucking vomit. I hate you. Especially you men, have some goddamn dignity. Shower in a freakin’ robe. Spare your fucking significant other some stress and drama. Because there’s always something wrong with somebody’s body over 40. There’s always, like, a cellulite mass bubbling around back there, a freakin’ varicose bumpy vein threatening to pop all over TSA, and then my flight is fucking cancelled, a stray cunt hair flailing in the breeze. Now, I make it a specific point never to see myself naked in a mirror, just to preserve the shred of self-esteem I have mustered, but oh, my God. Today, the hotel they have me in, that mirror snuck up on me, and I caught a glimpse of my naked, cellulite-y, flabby, flat, Howard Stern-looking ass. It looked like I sat on a gravel driveway naked for five hours. Like, “Holy crap. “Is that an ass or a relief map of the Himalayan Mountains, for God’s sake?” Now, here’s the deal. As you probably know, ’cause I’m quite famous, I recently got a divorce from my ex-husband, Jimmy Big Balls. It’s okay, it’s very amicable, thank God, and he also lost 98 pounds. Now, the reason I call him Jimmy Big Balls, you might not know if you’re fucking stupid. You can’t put two and– Okay, picture this guy’s freakin’ head. Imagine two of those in a pair of Hanes tighty whiteys. Actual size. I mean, that sack, Jesus Christ. It looked like two little midgets fighting their way out of a pink, hairy parachute. I hadn’t seen anything that big and hairy since I gave Snooki a Pap smear. But see, this is how I know that God hates me. Even though Jimmy loses all this weight and looks great, every time he lost an ounce, it gravitated and it migrated and eventually settled in that fucking beanbag chair of a nut sack until he had to hold it up when he took a shit just in case. And you know how I knew it was big? Oh, Madone! One day, he’s laying in bed naked, and he goes, “Hey, check it out.” I look, sir. His ball was resting on my side of the bed. See, now, I try to be positive ’cause I’m a person who projects much light and love, and it was like, “Oh, my God, wow! At least we never have to buy throw pillows again.” But you know what, folks? Since I’m telling you the truth, I will tell you this. I think that is the night that I knew the marriage was not meant to be. No, you laugh, but seeing, um, that ball on the sheet and, um, the other one on the nightstand was– Now, like I said, I am one lucky bitch that I do not have a nasty divorce, and part of it I think is– Is that we didn’t have kids. Now, black guy, are you a black or a half spic, half black? That would make you six years a slave, my friend. The gay guys are getting worried. “Oh, my God! Help us.” Okay, are you a black guy then? Let me– Oh, you’re Jamaican. Oh, that–okay. No wonder this hot bitch is with you, holy shit. How many kids you got? You got “keeds”? You got “keeds,” motherfucker? You got “keeds”? How many you got? Two? Two, two, two, two, two, two. Yeah, son. Yeah, son. How old are your kids? Four and ten? Is this their mom? Of course not. Why would she be? You don’t want to mess with fine traditions. No, but hey, God bless you for having those kids. Divorce is hard if you have kids, but here’s the thing. I never wanted no “keeds.” I’m like the gift to the world, you know. I don’t want you to be tied down to only loving two little fucking idiot kids that I gave birth to. I am a gift to you people. I’m like all of your ma, but here’s the problem. I’m sad now ’cause I’ll never have grandkids. That makes me kind of sad. Like, does anybody here have grandchildren? Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Sir, sir, do you love them? – Is it so much fun? – Yes. Oh, my God. It’s got to be a blast. Listen, all of yous, when you have grandkids, do what I would do and I’m sure what this guy does. You have them over to your house for a nice sleepover, and you spoil the crap out of those kids, and you get them all hopped up on sugar. They get whatever they freakin’ want, and then you get ’em their own first Starbucks, ’cause it’s never too early for the one-year-old baby’s caffeine. It’s a beautiful thing. Then you keep ’em up all night as a way of paying back your ungrateful piece of shit son who married that know-it-all cunt that he met in medical school, and she thinks she’s better than you and wouldn’t take no suggestions for the wedding ’cause she’s so fucking high class with the fucking house in Martha’s Vineyard. Fuck that cunt. She don’t know it all. You even made your dress for the wedding, and she didn’t even put out nice feelings for you from the goodness of your heart. Well, fuck that whore. Yes, you return that kid to them with no sleep, hopped up on sugar, and with a big shitty diaper. That shitty diaper– The shitty diaper is king. The shitty diaper is the way of sending a message home to your son. “Aha! “This is what you get for hitting puberty and jerking off into Mommy’s fur coat.” You know who hates that joke? Lesbians. Dykes hate that joke. They’re all into the environment and these fucking animals. Who gives a shit? Minks and chinchillas were bred to be worn by Lisa Lampanelli. I–they love being killed for me. No, lesbians really do hate that joke. Oh, my God, I remember. Oh, my God. I once got an angry email from some “lesbeen” because I had had a chinchilla coat made. Now, by the way, don’t even think of booing fur coats, okay, ’cause the only people who boo fur, hello, can’t freakin’ afford fur. I will kill and wear anything. I do not give a crap. Hector, I will come to your house, take your five little Chihuahuas, sew ’em together, and wear ’em like Cruella de Vil on a Wednesday. I don’t care. Hey, I’ll do you one better. If your children have an interesting skin tone, I’ll skin those little bastards and rub the lotion on its skin. Oh, my God, not even one moan for killing children and wearing them. I think this is my type of town, folks. Party! Now, I called you a Latino. Are you Latino? Oh, my God, 100%? Yes, Papi Chulo. What don’t you do for a living? That’s so unfair. There’s black people behind you. I find that fascinating. Thank you. Speaking of black people, here’s the deal. I–now that I’m single— Oh, my God. Now that I’m single, my whore friends are like, “Oh, Lisa, you should go out there, and get out there. You’re like a cougar.” People, I’m 50-freakin’-3 years old. That’s too old. Cougar cutoff is 49. I’m not a cougar. I just have an old pussy. Bob Barker keeps chasing it around trying to spay and neuter the freakin’ thing. But here’s what ha-happened. I don’t know what type of guy I’m supposed to date right now ’cause think about it. Before I married Jimmy, I had actually enjoyed the chocolate love. It is well documented. I had more black guys behind me than Obama. Yes, I did. But now, these freakin’ black guys, they won’t look at me no more ’cause I lost weight, and they don’t like that I have no fucking ass. They don’t like that, ’cause you know, Tyrone, the blacks enjoy– They like an ass with its own address so the welfare checks will go to the right place. But then I said to myself, “Ooh, Paco, maybe I should date one of these illegals.” No. Are you legally in this country, sir? Yeah. No, I thought to myself, maybe I should date a Latino, but oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That’s a little risky for me, ’cause right now, I’m a rich white woman, and a rich white woman dating a Latino, please. That’s like somebody who adopts a pit bull. At some point something’s gonna go horribly wrong. So I thought, “At least give everybody a chance,” and I figured out the only type of nationality I never had a date with was an Asian. I know. It was just an oversight. It’s easy to see over those little fucking flat heads and squinty eyes. And I was like, “Oh, my God, I am not dating an Asian.” I’m sorry. No–no offense, but I spent so much effort getting rid of my extra chins. I am not inviting anymore in. But that did seem racist, so I said, “You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna check it out slowly. Put a toe in.” Figuratively. Freakin’ fags, always go to putting something in the ass. I rented this porno, and it was an Asian dude with a white broad. No. It was way too scary. Every time she said she wanted it doggy style, he whipped out a frying pan. Somebody has to explain this to you? You fucking retard. He goes, “I don’t know. I don’t know.” They eat dogs. Putting two and three together, you fucking idiot. Jesus Christ. What are you? – Are you a Latino, man? – No. What are you, sir? Half black, half white. Yeah. Nice combo. So he works part-time. Very nice. Very good. So who–who was black, mom or dad? Mom? What’s your father’s name? Dwight. Isn’t that impressive, that he knows who his father is? Shocking. You’re a nice guy, man. What’s your name? I like you. Don, is this your white bitch right here? This your white bitch? Who are you hanging on, lesbian Flock of Seagulls haircut? Who am I to fucking talk, right? Justin Bieber fucked Miley Cyrus for this hairdo. I like this crowd. This is a really good crowd. Here’s what I’m telling you. You know why I like you? ‘Cause you get the jokes. You’re supportive. Here’s LL’s deal. I’m talking about myself in the third person. Yes. With initials. How freakin’ pretentious is that shit? Okay, here’s how I roll. I feel like the biggest thing I hate is when comics come up on a stage, they just get a divorce, and then they’re anti-marriage. That’s bullshit. I think marriage is a beautiful thing, a wonderful thing, and I plan to do it at least three more times, ’cause I love weddings. What I think is even great is most of these states are getting on the case and legalizing gay marriage. Isn’t that fantastic? I do not understand how people can be against gay marriage. Guess what I figure. If they’re against gay marriage, they’re big closet-case dick suckers. That’s what they are. Yup, they are deeper in the closet than Melissa McCarthy’s workout clothes. Fuck you. I can say it till I gain my weight back in three years. But honestly and from my heart, I really feel like if, as a gay person, you are lucky enough to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, you have every right to be just as miserable as us straight people are. In fact, you know what? I think tomorrow, all 50 states plus Guam y Puerto Rico should legalize gay marriage, but then the very next day, they should outlaw gay divorce. Ah! You asked for it, you got it, cornholers. Good luck splitting up that Crate & Barrel registry, you dirty homos. You too, lesbians. Fucking go to Home Depot and get your money back. I’ve been thinking about marriage a lot, and I’ve been thinking, do you know what? I have noticed the only two people who shouldn’t be allowed to get married, two freakin’ ugly people. Have you seen the travesty that can result from that unholy union? I’ll give you a nice little illustration and a parallel. Say two nice fags like them get married. They move in next door to you. They have a beautifully manicured yard, a lovely organized toolshed with the vibrators in descending order. All the little cock rings are color coded on penis-shaped pegs. Pretty soon they adopt a little Asian baby ’cause an Asian is easier to get than a real kid. Pretty soon, around the neighborhood, a dry cleaning establishment pops up, then a nail salon. Then when she’s 21, they buy her her own happy ending, rub-and-tug massage parlor. What’s the worst thing that could happen when two ugly people get married? Three words, Honey Boo Boo. That’s what can happen. Honey Boo Boo’s the worst. Did you see how Honey Boo Boo’s mom was dating a pedophile, and Honey Boo Boo’s so fucking unattractive, that guy wouldn’t even fuck her? Oh, come on, man. You ever notice fat kids never get molested? ‘Cause the guy never has enough candy to get the kid into the van. You know what’s funny? My audience happens to always be the coolest people, ’cause they can really take a joke, but, oh, my God. In 25 years in this business, I’ve only gotten protested four times. That’s pretty freakin’ good, right? I mean, hello. The first time I got protested– You can look it up. This is absolutely true. I got protested in Rochester, New York, by deaf people. Now, you laugh, but you didn’t have to be there. Do you know how confusing a protest by deaf people is? I go up to the theater, like, “Uhh!” I’m like, “Oh, my God, did you just say I’m pretty?” Now, the other three times I got protested was by the most disgusting, hateful group on the planet, the freaks at the Westboro Baptist Church. – Boo! – Thank you. If you don’t know who the Westboro Baptist Church is, first of all, I object to anyone who calls themself a church when the church has nothing to do with love, God, or spirituality. It’s all about hating other people, so don’t use the word “church,” bitch. They are actually a group of 70 inbreds in Topeka, Kansas, who have three real teeth and four slack jaws between ’em, and they’ve developed this disgusting hate website called godhatesfags.com, which is reprehensible, except the name’s really funny. I wish I had thought of it, personally. Now, these Westboro inbreds don’t like Lisa Lampanelli because I have some gay fans, so I figured out how to get those assholes back. I decided to become an ordained minister and marry 20 gay couples right in front of their inbred eyes. Oh, yeah. Yes. Isn’t that great? But sadly, I find out right before I get there, they don’t have no fag marriage over in Topeka, so I had a better idea. I ran into the theater, gathered all the gays, and we ran outside. We stood 10 feet from those sign-waving retards, and we all had a big, huge, gay make-out session, with tongues and everything, and we all chanted, “We’re here. We’re queer. One beer and you’ll be here.” John Travolta was right there beside us. Oh, finally, people are getting on board. Travolta–Danny Zuko is a fucking fag. Please, are you kidding me? 50 massage therapists are not lying, all right? Grease is the word for what’s up his freakin’ butthole. Now, gay guys, if you ever get married, do you want children? Do you want kids? No, no. Listen, man, I have a maternal instinct, though, about one thing. I always wanted a dog. No, I love a little dog. No, do me a favor, though. I’m gonna say this in all serious– If you want to get a dog, don’t be a douche bag and go buy one. You go to the North Shore Animal League, another shelter, and you adopt one of these little homeless mutts. They need a home. Now, this is a win-win for everybody. Think about it. If you buy a dog, that’s like 1,500 clams at the least. You adopt one of these scroungy little homeless mutts running around, you don’t like him in two days, just put him right back in the middle of the street. Nobody knows nothing. Just give it to the Asian bitch. She’ll cook it up with tofu. It’s like when you adopt a little kid. You’re not really that attached to that fucking kid. He didn’t come out of your clam. You don’t care. Send him back to Russia to hang out with the other communists, Ivan the Terrible. I give a fuck less. Oh, adoptees are here? Wah. Yeah, you’re special ’cause you were chosen. That’s what the Jews thought too. I joke, you know I love my heebie friends and accountants and lawyers. So anyway, I adopted the greatest dog in history. Oh, my God. I named him Parker after Sarah Jessica Parker. No, because of the really astounding resemblance. You know what, people? I’m, like, really disappointed in you right now. Let me set the goddamn record straight. SJP does not look like a dog. She looks exactly like a horse. Okay, this is really mean. I can’t even believe I joke about her, ’cause she is, like, my hero of my whole life, but okay. Listen, listen, listen. Don’t tell her. There’s a website that’s literally called, www.SarahJessicaParker lookslikeahorse.com, and they asked her on a talk show if she ever read it, and she went– And the host said, “Come on, how many times have you looked at it?” And she went– Anyway, my dog is awesome, but see, you got to know the rules. Here’s what you do. The first thing you do when you get your dog home, you go onto the computer, and you Google the words “service vest.” Ah, she knows the scam. This thing is a vest that you get to put on your little, rotten dog, and you get to take him anywhere you want, and nobody’s allowed to ask you what the hell is wrong with you. Somebody made the mistake of asking me why I had the dog. I said, “‘Cause I’m retarded.” Now, honestly, your dog doesn’t even have to be helpful. My dog seriously doesn’t do shit. He is about as useful as a Kardashian in a library. Okay, I’m not gonna get all derailed and talk about the Kardashians, but I am gonna say one thing about them that I’m pretty freakin’ pissed at. They stole my whole game, okay? I was banging the black guys first, all right, not those three hos. And by the way, they’re freakin’ hypocrites. Their names are Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé, KKK. Why do you fucking guys take the risk? So anyway, this vest you put on your dog, you take him anywhere, because it’s frowned upon, apparently, to leave your dog in a car with the windows rolled up. And you–you don’t want to be late. Like, black guy, suppose you are late. Well, that’s a given. But suppose you’re late for your appointment with your parole officer. Other black, suppose… they’re about to rerelease the McRib. Black people love ribs. It’s a fact. It’s not something I made up. We all know. Now, like I said, my dog’s useless, but now that the airlines are asking for a little note of what’s your problem, I had my shrink write me the note of notes, ’cause, first of all, he’s a perfect combo to be a good fucking liar. He’s spic and a fag, so this guy, Dr. Lopez or some shit, Lopez-a-fag-corn. He wrote on my note that I need the service dog because I have a rare fainting disorder, and my dog wakes me up if I’m about to hit my fucking head. Is that not the best excuse ever, combining the shifty Hispanic with the creative fag in one? But trust me, when you fly on these airlines and– Freakin’ airline– You know what, what the fuck? Who’s old here? Sir, you on the end. It’s not an insult. You’re an older man. How old are you, sir? 73. God bless you. Means he ain’t long for this fucking world. Sir, don’t you resent– Remember in the old days when you’d fly and everybody would get dressed up, and it was like an actual thing, and the stewardesses were sexy? They were hot. There was a weight requirement. Oy vey, I had two goddamn stewardesses on the flight. Looked like Shrek One and Shrek Two. I’m telling you, they won’t help you with nothing. They will not put your crap in your overhead bin, even if you’re faking a really authentic-looking rotator cuff injury like I was. Matter of fact, the only guys who ever helped me, the only stewardesses who ever did put it in the overhead for me, were a gay stewardess, a man. Those men will help you. Right, faggot? You’re very helpful. I know. Gay men love doing that for you ’cause they’re used to shoving big things into tiny little spaces. So I know all the rules about taking my dog on a plane, but one day, I have him in his little bag. He starts barking. Now, come on. Your heart’s got to go out to a pet like that. Oh, because I turn into a total queer when I’m talking to my dog. You guys would not recognize me in private. I’m like– “Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?” But then I turn that way, and I can’t turn it off, and my gay friends come over, I’m like– “Who’s a good faggot? Who’s a good cornholer? Who’s a good cornholer?” And then they all lick each other’s asses, so it’s nice. So my dog’s barking, the plane’s trying to take off, I feel bad for the passengers, I put his little bag on my lap, and then all I did was I took his little head out. It was so cute. I know, right? He was looking around, and then I took that zipper, and I put it against that goddamn larynx of his, and I put my lips to his little doggy left ear, and I said, “Shut the fuck up, Parker. “Shut your fucking mouth. “Mommy’s a fourth level fake-ass celebrity. “Shut your goddamn mouth. “I’ll fucking kill you in your sleep and feed you “to that chinky lady over at the fucking buffet. Shut the fuck up.” So he and I come to a nice understanding, but then guess what. Shrek One has to come up and interfere, and she’s like, “Uh, you have to put the head of the dog in the bag.” People, I’m no terrorist, so I’m not gonna yell at some bitch on a plane, but I just poked the dog in his ribs. I said, “No, it’s so he won’t bark,” and I poke him, and he goes, “Ahh.” So she’s being cool, but guess what. Guess who has to pipe up, get in the conversation. Fucking asshole sitting next to me figures he’s gonna state his opinion, but he don’t realize who the fuck he happens to be sitting next to. Another benefit of losing over 100 pounds and getting your hair cut to look like Rod Stewart’s half-a-lesbo sister. So the guy has the nerve to say, “Uh, why don’t you just leave the freakin’ dog at home?” Now, ladies and gentlemen, come on. I don’t act. I react. And I’m Lisa freakin’ Lampanelli. Are you kidding me with this? So, like, I can’t help what I say. So I honestly said this. It was so horrible. He goes, “Uh, why don’t you leave the freakin’ dog at home?” And I go, “Really, sir, great idea. “In the meantime, why don’t you go fuck your mother? “How’s that sound? “Yeah, ’cause I’m sure at one time or another, “I’ve had to listen to your ugly kids “screaming away when you should have had them “stowed in the overhead compartment wheels first, bitch.” Oh, oh, you guys didn’t know? That’s the new rule. If you have children under ten, they must be stowed in the overhead compartments. Would that not be the greatest? Oh, my God, I fucking hate those screaming kids. Oh, but by the way, there’s always a woman after the show who, like, really hates that joke, and, um, she finds it very difficult to hear humor like that. And she’s always a mom, always a white mom. The healthy snack mom. The mom who buys her kid food gluten-free as if gluten’s actually “a thing.” And she’s that mom who, now that she opened up her horrible, splotchy, bumpy thighs and that little freakin’ bloody head skyrocketed across the room, that she was suddenly reborn– Mother Earth knows all– When a mere three years ago, she had five black cocks stuffed up in that freakin’ thing. Well, you know something? Due to your response to those women, I can tell you all have a bone to pick with that type of mother, so you know what, I think it’s my responsibility as an elected official to give a public service announcement to those mothers out there who are like that. Yes, ’cause I don’t know how, but always at least a couple find their way into my show. I don’t know how they even heard of me. It’s like their husband said, “No, no, honey, come on. “No, she’s fine. No, seriously. No, come on, man. “She’s like Kathy Griffin. It’ll be great. Don’t worry about it.” Okay, so this is a public service announcement for those mothers, and by the way, if you guys look around and you don’t see one of those moms, guess what. You are that freakin’ mom. Okay, mothers, PSA number one. There is no such goddamn thing as a “peanut allergy.” That is a bullshit made-up allergy that your little, rotten, spoiled white kid made up in his own head, so he could get a delicious bologna sandwich instead of the peanut butter and jelly on two stale heels of Wonder Bread that he so richly earned. Yeah. If you think your kid is allergic to peanuts, guess what. Go home tonight, spread a jar of Jif all over his ugly, splotchy body. He’ll either break out in hives and be cured instantly, or he’ll be dead, and either way is fine with Lisa Lampanelli. PSA number two. Mothers, stop shopping at Whole Foods. Fuck Whole Foods in the ass, mouth, and cunt. Fuck ’em. Who on God’s green earth needs two grapefruits for $79.99? They’re like, “Oh, they’re organic and fresh.” Really? So’s my twat, but I don’t charge $79.99! And by the way, did you ever notice the only bitches who shop at Whole Foods are 400-pound women? Bitch, it’s called Whole Foods, not “eat the whole fucking store.” And PSA number three. Stop with the god… damned hand… sanitizer. Quit it with the Purell. You’re turning your little boys into little germophobic people with compromised immune systems like these two fucking fags. This has been a public service announcement… By Lisa Lampanelli. I approve this message. That was insane. I was, like, yelling really loud. Where was I? Oh, yeah. There’s always that bitch who comes up to me after the show. She’s like, “Lisa, that joke about the overhead compartment “is very dangerous and irresponsible. “If I put my child into the overhead compartment, he could suffocate and die.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, maybe if he does, isn’t that what’s meant to be?” See, I believe in all that stuff. “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.” I like all the sayings, you know, ’cause I work on myself. I’ve been doing very intense work on my– In fact, couple weeks ago, I went on this seven-day yoga retreat, and get this, I don’t do yoga. I don’t even know what the fuck yoga is. I thought it was a frozen yogurt retreat. Now, I can tell you honestly, after seven days of boring hell watching these fat bitches who just wanted a place to go for a week that they didn’t have to put a zipper on their fucking pants, after watching these yeast infections waiting to happen for a week, I can honestly say and observe that I am sure that yoga was invented by some fag who wanted to learn how to suck his own cock for himself. Pretty confident of that. So I’m at this yoga retreat. I’m bored to death. There’s no TV. There’s nothing. I said, “Okay, I’m gonna go to the gift shop.” Well, get this. All these rich whores who go to those things, they’re easy marks. They’ll buy anything with a nice saying on it. They’re so fucking stupid. There was a little basket. You’re gonna die. Spic, you’ll die. Freakin’– They have these rocks. These whores are buying rocks with a saying on it. Are you kidding me? Collect your own, you stupid bitch. You got a Sharpie? They’re banging ’em each for 20 bucks for a rock, and it says nice stuff on ’em. It says, “Believe. “Dream. ‘Nam-ast.'” I don’t know what that is. I don’t speak Spanish, but I will find out. So I was so angry at these women spending their money on that crap, I said, “I’m gonna– When I go back, I’m mixing up a few rocks of my own.” I can do shit that I would say to people. Screw that, I need a couple of rocks and a freakin’ Sharpie. I’m golden. My rocks will say stuff that’ll set these bitches’ heads spinning. My rocks will say, “You’re worthless. “You’ll never find love. Black guy, that’s not your real father.” the best new thing for me to go into? I could become this crazy spiritual guru who just got everybody going on my wavelength. I had my first inspirational greeting card. I’m going to perform it for you right now. “Dahnce” as if no one’s watching. Love as if you’ll never be hurt again, and queef as if nobody’s listening. Old guy, do you know what a queef is? It’s a cunt fart, is what it is. The faggots are laughing really hard. His butt plug almost shot right out. What’s a butt plug for? Like, I don’t even know. Do you know? Which one of you is the guy, and which is the girl? You don’t have that logic? No, you just versa? Anytime, anywhere? Well, good for you. Boy, I tell you, I did have to start working on myself after a divorce. You have to figure your stuff out. Guess what my shrink says to me, this bitch. She told me I have effed up ideas about what a relationship’s like. She told me I had to go and take an inventory of the crappy ways I was a wife during the marriage and how I also contributed to its demise, and I trust you people. Can I read this to you tonight? Is that okay? Okay, ’cause it’s very vulnerable. Okay, here it is. It’s six faults that you probably don’t know about me. Okay, okay. “I, Lisa Lampanelli, am overly sensitive.” No, it’s true. I cannot take a joke. I get my feelings hurt so easy. How freakin’ hypocritical is that, though? Right? I’m an insult comic who can’t take a joke. That’s like being a pedophile who can’t stand children’s parties. That’s like being an NFL player who just can’t bring himself to punch his wife in the face in an elevator. Number two. “I, Lisa Lampanelli, have huge anger issues.” I do. Honestly, my temper is hotter than the black guy’s television set. It’s true. If I was any angrier, I’d be dating Rihanna. I would. Oh. Shut up. She asked for it. Big mouth. Oh, and here’s three. Okay, fault number three. I’m not technically bipolar– But my moods swing a lot. Like, when I’m not yelling, I’m crying. Honestly, my eyes leak more than Cloris Leachman’s “vaginer.” But here’s the thing, I won’t cry in front of a guy, boyfriend, husband, nothing, ’cause it makes me look too weak. I’m afraid to be vulnerable. I have put up more walls than Pink Floyd. I’m more emotionally distant than Terri Schiavo. Wait for it. Oh, too soon? It’s ten freakin’ years. Let it go. She has. No, seriously, I could be colder in a relationship than a penguin’s asshole. Bruce Jenner’s face is more expressive than I am. Okay, this is a tough one. Always get to number five and I kind of struggle with it, but I’m gonna be real. I told you I would. When I was married, I weighed 248. It’s okay. I’m not ashamed. Now I’m fucking sexy and hot. However, when you’re that big, sometimes you hate your looks, and, oh, man, it was terrible in a marriage. I couldn’t take a compliment. Poor Jimmy, he’d be like, “Oh, you look nice.” I’d be, “Shut the fuck up, you fat piece of shit.” After a year of intense four-time-a-week therapy, I have come to realize that may have not been the right response. No, it’s true. I learned that. Like, they have this thing in therapy called “positive self-talk.” That’s when you look in a mirror and you say nice things to yourself, so even back then, I shouldn’t have been so hard on myself. I should have looked in the mirror with a little self-compassion and said, “You know what, Lisa? “It’s okay you have a huge gut. At least it makes your dick look smaller.” Oh, my God. Would that not be the coolest thing ever if I had a secret hidden penis that I could whip out and use whenever I needed to? ‘Cause you know my thing would be big, and you know my shit would be black. Am I right? See, you people laugh, but I’m gonna tell you something. If you have never been overweight, you do not understand how hard it is. Do you know how difficult it is when I would walk onto a plane, celebrity that I am, 250 fucking pounds, and looking at all you skinny fucking assholes dreading that I would sit my fat ass next to you? You don’t even have the nice temerity to lift up that armrest so it doesn’t hit my ass cheek every time I walk down the aisle. One time I sat next to a guy, a skinny bastard, and he gives me that look like, “Ugh.” I just snapped. I go, “Oh, really? “Uh, you got that screaming infant on your lap, “and you’re worried about my love handle ruining your flight? “Tell you what, stop whining like a cunt, “tuck in your elbows, and just be happy you’ll have something soft to bump into when the plane crashes.” That being said, you know what, if you’re out there and you’re overweight, you always have a place on a plane next to Lisa Lampanelli. I love it. Fat people, come and sit next to me, man. I love sitting next to fat people. They don’t talk. They’re too busy chewing. And also, guys, do yourself a favor and your woman. Even if you sense she’s getting a little chunky, do not call your woman fat. That is the last word that a woman can be called, or she will twist your penis into a balloon animal elephant. And I’ll prove it. Even if you all are skinny women in here, you would all rather be called the C word than that particular F word, and you know it. And I’ll prove it. Not one of y’all bitches has ever said to your husband, “Honey, do these pants make me look like a cunt?” We don’t care. Ah, my last fault. Kind of–kind of hard to admit, but it’s just forewarning. If anybody wants to ask me out, this is what you get. Fault number six. LL, lousy in the sack. Terrible. Sexually repressed, won’t try anything new. Do you blame me? I’m from Connecticut. Oh, you know the sign going into Connecticut says, “Welcome to Connecticut. You won’t find your clitoris here.” I didn’t learn how to do no sex. I didn’t know what to do. I had one position– “Ugh, hurry up.” No, really, at heart, I– In a lot of my specials in the past talk about sex, but it’s all fucking stories. You know, in reality, I think I’m kind of more of a Charlotte than a Samantha. Gay guys, could you explain that to the straight guys in this area? No, ’cause you guys heard of adventurous chicks. I ain’t one of ’em, uh-uh. You guys all heard of three input girls. Ew. Three input, that ain’t me. I’m a three output girl. I can burp, fart, and queef at the same time. But hey, who knows? Who knows what’ll happen in my life? I feel pretty freakin’ lucky, you know what I mean? I got a great career going, I’m working on my health, and hey, who knows? Someday, I might find true love. We’ll see. We’ll see. I am just always reassured by the words of my life coach and mentor Meat Loaf, who once said, “Two out of three ain’t bad.” Love me some Meat Loaf! Now, I didn’t always play lovely places like this. In your career, you have to play some dumps, right, so check this out. Ten years ago, I’m working at this crap hole in Vegas. I won’t even say the name of it, but it rhymes with Shmarrah’s. So I’m doing the show, and I always bring my opening act with me because I find them really funny. I bring people I like, so I have this gay guy opening for me years ago named Wendel. He is the funniest fag. Oh, my God, and he was super gay. I mean, this guy is so gay, Cher buys his albums. This guy is so gay, whenever he farts, it lisps. Sssss. So he’s up onstage, right? I’m watching from the back, and I’m cracking up, but get this rude crap. I notice there’s six people in the front, “high roller” types, who keep heckling him with homophobic slurs, and I see that, and I freakin’ snap. I call over the hostess. I’m like, “Get your freakin’ minimum-wage, $10-an-hour twat over here, “you fucking suck-a-high-roller- cock-for-money bitch. “Those people are calling Wendel homophobic slurs. “Get ’em out of here. “I won’t have that energy in the room. “Pay their ticket prices back out of my pay. Get ’em out right now. Buh-bye.” Am I right, or am I wrong? I think that was moral. Well, I got to come up onstage after him, and, oh, one other little character flaw I have. Whenever I do something nice, I can’t keep my mouth shut about it. I always have to brag, you know. Oh, maybe that’s why God didn’t give me a soul mate yet, ’cause he’s like, “Lisa, if you would just “shut the fuck up, do nice things, maybe I’ll give you a fucking good boyfriend,” and I’m like, “What the fuck are you talking about, God?” And he’s like, “Yeah, bitch, maybe do something and not tell the freakin’ world, like, for charity.” I’m like, “How dare you, God? “You have that goddamn book full of all that crap “you ever did for anybody. “I see it in every hotel room. That’s bragging if I ever saw anything like that, God.” And he goes, “Fuck you, Lisa.” I’m like, “Suck this, God.” Maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend. Jew, are you allowed to say “suck it” to God? Jews, Jews, Jews, Jews? So anyway, when I get these people kicked out, I come back on the stage, and I’m all self-righteous. I come up, and I’m like… “You may have noticed there’s six empty seats up front. “That’s ’cause these homophobes were calling Wendel fag “and faggot, and nobody does that in a Lisa Lampanelli show except Lisa Lampanelli.” Oh, yeah. So the audience is cool. They start laughing. They’re having a good time. Well, get this. Halfway through the show, I spot the guy. There’s always this guy at every show that I do. The arms folded like, “You ain’t gonna be funny ’cause you a bitch” guy. Now, sir, I know you had your arms folded the whole show. No, no, no, no, no. No, shut up. No, he’s great, he’s laughed at every single joke. The arms folded was just to separate the tits from the gut. I get it. Tit sweat is a bitch. I’ve been a victim of it myself. No, but the guy in the audience had the arms folded mean and scowly, so I look at him, and I’m like a dog with a bone. I won’t let it go. I’m like, “Oh, really, sir? You’re not gonna laugh once? “Really? Really? “Really? Really? Really? Really? “Really? Really? Well, guess what, bitch, you can get the fuck out too!” And all of a sudden, his wife goes, “No, no, no, “no, no, no, no, no, no. He’s deaf.” And you know what, folks? That is the moment that I learned a little something about this elusive concept we call self-esteem. I should have realized, if he wasn’t laughing… He must be deaf, ’cause I’m Lisa Lampanelli. Thank you, guys! I love you all! Thank you, New York! You freakin’ rock! ¶

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RORY SCOVEL TRIES STAND-UP FOR THE FIRST TIME (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/rory-scovel-tries-stand-up-for-the-first-time-a-netflix-special/

[speakers: pop ballad playing] [crossing bell clanging] I was, like, “You know what? If you’re gonna fuck with me, I’m gonna have you killed.” But then that guy was like, “I don’t know if I can handle it.” And I was like, “Of course you can’t! Nobody can handle the heat!” You guys know. I bring heat. Buddy, it’s broken glass, so don’t touch it. Yeah– No, don’t walk around with your shoes off. Okay. All right, buddy, I gotta go. Tonight’s the big show. Okay. I love you. All right, bye. All right. So I had that guy fucking killed. I had him fucking killed. And that guy was a theater owner too, right? Yeah, that guy was the theater owner. He was the owner of the theater. Now he’s dead. -[coughs] -What, do you got Zika? Hey. Bob. Theater owner. You guys can start the show whenever you’re ready. Crowd sounds electric. Yeah! Why wouldn’t they? Well, I trust you guys to know where the stage is. Obviously we know how to get to the stage! Jesus Christ! Cheers. Ah. Yeah! Let’s rock! Whoo! [rock funk playing] [man] ♪ You know that man ♪ ♪ He’s a hell of a man ♪ ♪ He’s a bad motherfucker With a mike in his hand ♪ ♪ Pimpin’ stages all over the world ♪ ♪ Stackin’ paper Gettin’ all the girls ♪ ♪ When you see him walking by ♪ ♪ You better step aside ♪ ♪ Rory ♪ Ahh. ♪ Rory ♪ Yeah! Oh, my God. Rory! Can I get your autograph? Yeah– No! Get the fuck away from me! I’m sorry. Oh, God, you are so fucking cool. Yeah! No fucking shit. Mike! Let’s go. See that? Remember it. ♪ Rory ♪ ♪ Rory ♪ [audience chanting] Rory. Rory. Hey, good luck tonight, Mr. Scovel. [audience continues chanting] Rory. Rory. Rory. Rory. What’d you just say to me? Just saying good luck. Yeah. I don’t need your luck, pal. -I love you. -Me too. Now I gotta go rip some dicks off. Rory! Rory! [cheering] Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Whoo-hoo! [groans] What’s– What’s happening? Gilbert’s gonna bring you on stage soon. What– Hey, Scott, hold on. -What do I do when I get out there? -I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. Okay, this next guy is a comic. Uh, everybody give it up for… Cory Scravin! [cheering, applause] Thank you. Thank you! Thank you, Atlanta! Thank you, Atlanta! Thank you! Thank you, Atlanta. Thank you, Atlanta. Thank you, ’Lanta. Thank you, ’Lanta. I did the research. I know the nicknames. Thank you so much, ’Lantans, coming out tonight. Coming down to ’Lanta. Coming out to see the show. Thank you so much. Let’s get right into it. Anal. Who’s done it? Who’s done anal? Who here has done anal? Who’s done anal? Who here has done anal? This is the show. Who has– Earlier it was like, “Wait. So is this the show?” This is the show. This is the show. Anal. Who’s done anal? But, like, anal. Anal, though. Anal. Who has done anal? I have one joke, and I’m halfway through it. This is– This is it. I do sort of a reverse Louis CK. I write one new joke a year. And this is actually a three-year-old joke. So, should be a pretty good special. You guys made a good choice, watching. Thanks for being here. Ah, anal. We’re still– This is still– Anal. Anal. Anal. Does that sell it if that’s my posture? Anal! Who’s done anal? I’m the brattiest comic on the circuit! [shrieking] Who’s done anal though? [Rory laughing] “Butt-fuck.” Does that help? Does that help? Does that help though? Butt-fuck. Some people– [Southern accent] “Oh, butt-fuck. Okay, yeah. Okay. Yeah, dude said ‘anal,’ I was like, ‘Who’s the doctor-lawyer on stage?’ Anal? What? Butt-fuck. That’s more my speed.” That’s more my style! Truth be told, that’s more my style. I butt-fuck! Wanna know somethin’ about me? I butt–” You have to say “butt-fuck” with an accent. If you say it without an accent, you sound like a goddamn serial killer. “You guys ever butt-fuck?” “Oh, my God. Karen, put your fucking hand down! It’s obviously a trap. It’s a death trap.” “Well, I don’t know. I’ve never been to one of these things.” [Southern accent] “Yeah, whatever. Butt-fuck!” Isn’t that– It’s kinda– Immediately you’re, like, “Oh, that’s not so bad.” “Y’all ever butt-fuck?” “Hey, it’s the guy from the gas station! Answer his inquiries.” “I just wanna know if y’all ever butt-fucked before! Y’all come on now! [laughs] Unleaded, fill it up? You got it! You ever butt-fucked?” “Hi. I’d like to fill it up. I’m over on pump ten. I gotta tell you, that one employee, he is a lively sort. What’s that? That’s not an employee? I’ll be right back. No, it’s on me. There were a lot of red flags, and I– I should’ve– I should’ve tuned in. Should’ve tuned in.” [Southern accent] “Y’all ever butt-fucked? Butt-fuck!” My wife and I tried anal sex once, and– Shut the fuck up! Shut up! I already asked you if you did it. Nobody said shit. And now I have to talk the entire show. This job sucks. Right now some people are like, “Maybe he does only have the one joke. Where we thought he was being facetious.” The twist in tonight’s show was honesty. Hmm. My wife and I tried anal sex once, and I didn’t like it, and for some reason I feel like that makes me a gentleman. Huh? That’s pretty cool, babe. We don’t have to go down that road again. Lord knows you hated it. All the tears. If your wife cries during sex, she is telling you something. Check in. You know what I mean? Do a check-in. “You okay?” Just one of those. “Hey, everything cool? What’s going on? [prissy accent] Got a little misty here. I don’t–” Also, talk like that. That’s a big turn-on for women. That’s a huge turn-on for women. “Hey, just a quick question! [shrieking] What’s going on with the tears?” [laughing] Be that– Be that ecstatic. “Hey! What’s the deal with the tears? Let’s get back into it!” [chuckles] Where did I lose some people? The visualization of my wife crying during anal sex? Is that where some people were like, “You know what? No. No, next exit. We’ll take the next exit. I’m not here for this.” If you’ve ever tried it, that’s one thing. Fine. You tried it. You ever try to try it? You know what I mean? You know what I’m talking about? That means you’re about to try it, and then you stop and you’re like, “I can’t pull this off. Who do I think I am? Just ’cause I see it in all the laptop movies. That doesn’t mean I know what I’m doing.” It’s tough to do. It’s like trying to get a lime into a Corona. Your first thought is always, “Who cut these? Didn’t they know what I was gonna do with this?” It’ll go. It’ll go. Know what I mean? It’ll go. Like, it will go. You gotta want it. You have to want some things. It’ll go if you want it bad enough. Yeah, my jacket’s a problem for a lot of people. I’m not stupid. I caused this problem. I fucking know what’s going on. I don’t have to look at it. That’s how much of a dick I am. I know that you have to look at it. Oh, so many people are already like, “Ahh! Unzip it! Unzip it! Or buy your size! You know what I mean? You’re fucking… How badly do you need to fit in? You’re 36. The dream is over.” [chuckles] This? Oh, fuckin’– That shirt? That shirt flap? That’s the worst part of it all. All the way around. Just that extra– Hi! I’m shirt flap! Oh, that’s the cringeworthy part there. Oh, God. Some people are like, “Tuck it in.” I can’t. I tuck it in, I look like an undercover cop who coaches Little League. “Get two, Kev! Kev, get two! Kev, you gotta get down. You gotta slide, Kevin! Your dad was shit too! We played together. You’ll never go pro.” He’s that hard on the players. “You’ll never fucking go pro, dude. You don’t know how to fucking slide? I’ll go back to my dugout in a second. I wanna talk to your team. You’re shit. You are shit. We have seven of you on my team. Yeah, you hear me? [chuckles] We got seven of you. Some of you guys might go pro. Not you, Kev. What’d you say? What did you fuckin’ say to me, Kevin? [whispers] I’m a goddamn cop. This is my cover. My cover is aggressively coaching Little League.” I did a show once– I did a show once where I had a hoodie on, and I pulled the string on one side all the way down to my knee, and I left a little bit on this side. People didn’t even see the show. The rage in their eyes– It’s like, “No! We paid to be here! Fix it!” I was just twirling it around. “So, I’m married.” Like, whipping it. “Marriage is fun.” Oh, what does that do? What’s that do for some people? Does that help anyone? Does that help? Is there anybody who is like, “I didn’t like it, but if you go a little deeper I’m okay with it”? Just leave it like that for a little bit. [chuckling] I can’t even use the pocket. Hi! Yeah. Table for one. Yeah, table– M-Me again. Me again. Table for one. My “yoush.” Put me on my “yoush,” my one high-top place. It’s not even comfortable to use the pocket. Hi! In three years Kanye’s gonna invent this jacket, and then everyone’s gonna be like, “Oh, now I like it.” You laugh at me now, but then you respect it three– “Now I think it’s cool.” Bullshit. I set the trend. Look at this shit. “Oh, remember? Remember Kanye, he’s got that new jacket. Remember we saw that comic. He wore his jacket like that first.” “No, I don’t– I don’t remember.” “You don’t remember? He killed himself two days later.” You don’t remember that? He said if we didn’t laugh at every joke, he was gonna kill himself. And that was the one joke he wasn’t joking about. Remember he had the suicide note in calligraphy, so you know he wanted to do it. Probably took him two weeks to write it. He thought it out.” My suicide note is just gonna be the “Thong Song” lyrics. People will discover my body. They’re like, “Oh, my God!” “Thong, th-thong-thong-thong.” “Hmm. Why so much Sisqó on the way out?” If you’re thinking of killing yourself, why not try autoerotic asphyxiation and see what all the jazz is about! We’re all curious. We’re not gonna do it. “What if I accidentally kill myself?” But if you already want to die, give it a go. See what it’s like. What if it’s amazing? What if it’s so amazing, you’re like, “I think I wanna live”? “Suicide saved my life.” Coming this fall to CBS. Suicide Saved My… [applause] I love– I love it when– I love it when people bow too appropriately. It’s so gross. Just bow. Just be like, “Okay, thanks.” [chuckles] No, but you guys were right to applaud there. Everybody watching at home, I assume you also gave me a standing ovation. No, the crowd didn’t give me a standing ovation, but at home it’s easier to do. Do a standing ovation, they’d be like, “While I’m up, might as well take a piss.” “Honey, should I pause it?” “No, I think I get it. I think I get most of what he does.” Remember, like, ten years ago someone would be, like, “I saw a documentary,” and we’d all be like, “Nerd!” Now if someone’s like, “I saw a documentary,” it’s like, “Of course you did. How else can you keep up socially? You’ve gotta see all the documentaries to know what’s going on, and what did go on, and what will more than likely go on.” Did you guys see that O.J. documentary? [smattering of applause] How did more people not see that? It’s incredible. His one friend he grew up with, with the raspy voice? Know who I’m talking about? That dude– [raspy falsetto] “O.J…. Growin’ up… O.J. was always murderin’ people. I was like, ‘O.J., you can’t be murderin’ pe–’” His voi– What did he do for the– Why? Why was– [raspy falsetto] “O.J.” His whole life his friends are like, “I don’t– You gotta speak up.” “O.J.! I don’t think O.J. killed Nicole. I think he killed Ron Goldman. And then Nicole accidentally killed herself.” Like, he has the shittiest theories. “I mean, I think Nicole and Ron… killed O.J., and then the two of them, together–” [laughs] “embodied what we now know as O.J.” The documentarian’s like, “I can’t use any of this footage. I can’t use any of this. Where did you even get that?” “I don’t– I don’t know. I haven’t seen him in, like, 35 years. He might have done it– Actually, he might– He did it. He did it.” I don’t think we even need some of these documentaries. Like, The Planet Earth and Life. Like, who is that optimistic about our intellect… as people? Like, we’re not there yet. I don’t need to learn about a species at the bottom of the ocean I’m never gonna interact with. Let’s pull it back. Let’s do some documentaries about some simple shit. You know what I mean? How does this microphone even work? None of us know. None of us know. None of us have ever known. Our entire life since we were kids– “That’s the voice stick boom machine.” If someone asked me, “How do you think it works?” I’d be, “Well, I guess the sound kinda drifts over the metal cage. Then the metal cage is like, ‘Get in here!’ Then it just goes through the sound hose.” [screaming] Blaaaaah! That’s my best guess. I’m 36. My best guess is something a child would just rattle off the top of their head, in their first time ever thinking about it. “I don’t know. I guess it just– Blu-Blah-Blu-Aaaah!” Like, okay. Well, either you’re advanced, or you’re heading down the wrong road. Oh, concrete? Sorry to turn this into a TED talk. What the fuck is concrete? You know what I mean? Like, liquid soupy shit, then it’s hard forever? It’s just hard forever. Okay, Illuminati. Okay. Okay. “Good luck transporting me in a normal truck. It won’t work. You have to put me in a cartwheel funnel truck that’s always in motion. I’m high maintenance. I’m concrete.” You could ask people who work in concrete, “How does it work?” “You know what? I don’t even… Just, like, it’s liquid soupy stuff, and then it’s just all of the buildings, you know. It’s literally all of the buildings.” You ever ask a friend how a record player works? Like, “Well, the needle grabs the sou–” “The wh-what? Fuckin’ listen to yourself! ‘The needle grabs the sound’? What does that even mean?” “Well, there’s grooves in the vinyl, and the nee–” “What is happening in the grooves that the needle is aware of and grabbing? What physical thing is happening in that–” The show is now over. The show is over. Turn off the fake cameras. We won’t need ’em. We’re just gonna rant and get to the bottom of stuff now. Ultimate Frisbee. That’s still going on. You guys ever watch Ultimate Frisbee? What does that say about you? What are you even watching? Watching someone on defense, like, “Don’t you throw that Frisbee!” Somebody on offense, like, “I have to, Jason! Get out of the way! Jason, get out of the way! The game is to throw the Frisbee.” Every time someone asks me to throw the Frisbee, I say yes. And then my brain’s like, “Dude, you don’t fuckin’ know what you’re doing.” I think you’re either great at Frisbee or you’re all like me, where for every throw you’re like, “Oh, please, God, just go. Get somewhat near the person. Sorry!” You yell “I’m sorry” super fast. “Sorry!” Right before you release it. “So sorry! There!” You ever go to throw the Frisbee and it’s immediately sideways? Can’t have those moments back. Just go to throw it and you’re like, “No! Fuck! That’s not me! That’s not me.” You ever see somebody throw the Frisbee like this? Nobody’s getting laid off of Frisbee, pal. Put it away. Nothing wrong with your classic 1950s-style discus toss. Plenty of children were conceived the night of a toss like that being witnessed. “Oh, look at this guy throw it.” “Neil, go deep!” “Ooh, great angel follow-through.” “Hey, what are you ladies getting into tonight? There it is!” “Did you see that guy throw that Frisbee? Ooh. I hope I get the opportunity later to suck his dick a little bit. Anyone who’s innovating the Frisbee pass at that level, that’s the kind of dick I like to suck a little bit of. If I get the opportunity. There’s gonna be a line, I’m sure.” [woman laughing loudly] Nice. I know a guy you should meet over here. You got that laugh, this guy’s got this l– Would you watch it if this was my set? “Anyways… What else is goin’ on? [laughs] Uh, anyways, you ever had a meatball sub?” All right, all right, all right. Let’s get this… Let’s turn the cameras on. Let’s do it. I usually like to run about 20, 30 minutes to an hour, and then I like to actually tape it. I’m gonna do a couple election-type jokes for you all, if that’s… -[applause] -I know– I know people– I know people, wherever you’re watching this, whenever it is you’re like, “Wait, the election’s already happened. We already know the results.” Guess what. Everybody in this room, we don’t know. So look at us. Look how happy we used to be. We used to be so happy. Then it all fell apart. I, personally, am very excited, because this election is about inspiration. When Barack Obama was elected, he was the first black president. That’s inspiring. If Hillary Clinton wins this election, she’s the first female president. That’s inspiring. If Donald Trump wins this election, that’s inspiring for your average Joes like me. I’m not walking around, assuming I have a shot at the presidency. But now it’s like, I don’t know. He did it, you know? What is it? I fill out a form? Do I send in a tape? How do I start the process? You also gotta be optimistic. I mean, if he does win, we’re all gonna get to die at the same time. That’s a special you can’t buy. You’re either born in that time or you’re not. It was the dinosaurs, and now it’s us. That’s awesome. That’s so cool. What a way to go. You know what I mean? Like, right now if you die you’re like, “But all my friends are still alive! Aw, everybody’s going out to eat!” Let’s– [laughs] Let’s just– Let’s admit something right now. You know that’s the most adrenaline we get at this age. “Hey, we’re going out to eat tonight.” “What? I can go too?” “Bottle of wine for the table? We’re skydiving without parachutes now.” I wanna be socially present for these conversations, but I’m doing math the whole time. How are we splitting this bill? Is Kathy pitching in? Does she pitch in? Who here is in their 20s? Anybody here in their 20s? -[cheering, applause] -Yes! Get some whoo’s and some claps. [chuckles] Soak it up. Enjoy it. I mean that. I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m saying you have something right now and you need to embrace it. I know you’re like, “I go out. I fuckin’ stay out so late. I stay out till like 3:00 or 4:00. I fuckin’– I shut it down. I shut it down. I do so many shots. Oh, you should see me. I do so many fuckin’ shots. You wanna know what separates me from the herd the most? All the shots that I do. So many, I can’t even stop. I force ’em on other people. You do one with me. You have to! We have to do it together. And I hope it tastes gross so we can see who can handle it the best.” A shot is the only thing that, when it tastes like garbage, everyone’s like, “Now, that’s a real drink.” If food was like that, you wouldn’t eat the food. “You know what? If it tastes like garbage, that’s how you know it’s good.” “I just did a shot, and it tasted exactly like an apple pie.” “That’s ’cause you’re a fuckin’ pussy.” Who wouldn’t want to drink an apple pie? Yeah, when you’re 30 and up, oh, it’s over. It’s not even your choice. You think you can just keep doing it, but you can’t. Your body starts to get involved. Your body’s like, “What’s that? Wanna do a slice of pizza at 2:00 a.m.? All right. Okay. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck, dude. Good luck. Hope you’re ready to get up at 3:45 with fuckin’ scorched earth right through here. [screams] Yeah, go get your Tums. Go get your Tummies. Go get your Tums. ‘I need my Tums!’” When you’re in your 20s and you have a hangover, you’re like, “God, I need some Advil and water.” In your 30s, that’s like throwing darts at a tank. And you only had three drinks. One of ’em wasn’t even alcohol. But it was soda, and I’d been off it for so long. Well, if someone told you that you could go out and stay out as late as you want and drink for free every single night or pay $20 to go to bed at 8:00 p.m., you would put down $40 just to make sure it definitely happened. You’d be like, “There’s double. Let’s not fuckin’ fuck me over on this, dude. I’m not talking, like, get ready at 8:00. I mean, at a quarter till we’re picking out our jammies. When 8:00 rolls around I wanna almost be there. You know what I mean? I’m almost asleep! Leave me alone!” I get old people now. Like, I get it. Growing up, I didn’t understand my grandparents. I didn’t get it. Now I get it. “We have dinner at 4:30.” “Why wouldn’t you?” Dinner at 4:30. Bed at 6:00. Up at 2:00. See the world! See the entire world. That’s the only way you’re gonna do it. The only way you’re gonna do it is to be up at 2:00. ’Cause when you’re waking up at 2:00– Yeah! My grandfather would be on the porch to catch the morning paper and then yell out, “Why have I been waiting a half hour?” That’s an explorer. Look, all I’m trying to say is, if we all die at the same time, that’s like nobody died. If Trump wins this election, you guys, we’re all gonna live forever. And the sad thing is, that might be a real slogan you hear before November. “Vote for me, everybody lives forever.” Like, “What? Okay. And recess will be longer? This guy knows something the rest of us don’t know. I like it.” [chuckles] If I could have it my way, I’d say let’s get another Kenyan for four more years. You know what I mean? [applause] [chuckles] Yeah. Huh. Some people are like, “That’s where the jokes stopped and the manifesto started.” Also, people applauding to that joke, it’s kind of a mixed signal. It’s like, do you think he’s not an American citizen? Are you agreeing with my sarcasm, or do you not interpret my sarcasm? “Yes! Get another Kenyan!” I know Barack Obama is a US citizen. A lot of people don’t think he is. One of those people might be president. So if you’re not scared now, think about it. I kinda like imagining that he’s not a US citizen. To be the first black president in this country, with the shit that this country’s been through, and the current racial tension in this country, to be the first black president, that’s amazing. But on top of it, to not even be a US citizen? What? I’m sorry. What? That’s astounding! It’s your job until you don’t want it anymore. If he really was not a US citizen, it’s like, “Well, you got us, so it’s yours. Obviously we’re not qualified to do it. It’s yours, dude.” If he truly is not a US citizen, can you imagine night number one with Michelle in the White House? He’s like, “Can you fucking believe this shit?” I was joking! I was joking. I never thought it would go this far. I genuinely never thought it would go this far. Michelle’s like, “What are we gonna do? What the fuck are we gonna do? Just go make an announcement– Just kidding– and we’ll get out of here.” “Okay, okay, okay, okay. Calm down.” [laughs] If you knew that was a scene that actually happened in the White House you’d be, “Let’s give ’em 12 years. They’re that adorable? Twelve years it is.” [laughs] I would love it if, on his last day, he just comes out and he’s like, “I gotta come clean about something with you guys. I am not even a US citizen.” Wouldn’t all of us, even if you hated him, would be like, “Get the fuck out, Barack! What? You son of a bitch! You’re good! You’re good, dude. You’re good. You’re the tops. How did you do that? We looked into it. You are literally the only president we ever looked into it about.” Nothing racist about that. Let’s keep moving on, you know? Scoop it under the rug. No aftereffects. You guys know. If you think it’s so easy, you guys do that. That’s my declaration to everybody. If you think it’s so easy to fuckin’ pull that off, you go to another country and you get as far as president. You won’t even get as far as solicitor because none of us know what that is. We’ve never known. Every time you get into a voters’ booth, you’re like, “Solicitor? All right. Who’s got the cooler name? I don’t know.” You don’t know what solicitors do. You don’t know what mayors do either. You thought you did growing up. You’re like, “A mayor runs the town. I saw it in a Richard Scarry book.” Then Marion Barry gets caught smoking crack in the ’90s. People are like, “What? But he’s the mayor!” Then Rob Ford in Toronto, he gets caught smoking crack. Maybe we, as people, need to step back and ask ourselves, “Do mayors smoke crack?” They might all be smoking crack. We don’t know. We don’t know what they do. We don’t fuckin’ know. That’s what they do. These two just happened to get caught. You know how not everybody in this room has a DUI, but we’ve all been eligible for one? It’s like that, except it’s crack. And it’s an elected government official. Otherwise, it’s the same thing. That’s what they do. They walk around smoking crack, carrying their big scissors. You can’t find those scissors anywhere. That’s the biggest crime of it all. Where do you get those things? Some of you are like, “Look on Etsy.” I did. It’s the only research I did in this entire show. I could have googled “solicitor.” I don’t give a fuck. Get me to the scissors gold. Here, cut the ribbon with these normal scissors. No! It’ll never work. They’ll never be able to get through this kind of silk. I need my giant scissors if we’re ever gonna open the skate park conservancy. I also don’t know what a skate park conservancy is, but it’s fun to say, and people laugh, and that’s really what it’s all about. Gay Republicans. What do they know that we don’t know? I mean… is there something online I can read to get caught up? It’s like I’m trying to support you, but are you even trying to support you? “Yes, I realize I affiliate myself with a political party who doesn’t believe that I deserve to breathe the same air as other people. And a lot of ’em, if they knew they could get away with it, would probably try and kill me. But you want to know something? At my core, I’m fiscally conservative.” You ever been in your backyard at night, and you just look up at that endless sky and you just wonder what it’s all about? Here we are, on a rock, floating through space. Whatever this even is. We don’t even know how we got here. We don’t know where we’re going. We don’t even currently know what this is that we exist in. You see those stars up there, and they’re not even there. It’s just we’re finally seeing the light from those stars. And just something like that is so mind-blowing, you just want to yell out to the heavens… [shouting] “Are we spending too much?” You guys know. The bigger questions in life. We’ll be right back after these messages. Jack White, you’re a revolutionary artist. You’re known for doing a lot of firsts in lots of different fields. Rory, you’ve never done stand-up before. I have never, ever done stand-up. Rory, let me handle this. Jack’s got it. Rory has never, ever done stand-up in his life. Throughout the years, every single time I’ve watched a stand-up comedian or late-night show appearance of people who’ve rehearsed their material, written it, done the research, done the roadwork, paid their dues. -Professionalism. -We’ve seen that. What about a guy who doesn’t know what he’s doing, is completely out of his element, unattractive, probably not that funny– What would that be like? Rory, why would you put this interview right in the middle of your special? Well, Ben, as a complete amateur, first-timer stand-up, I actually don’t have a lot of material. Enough, actually. So I thought, we’ll do a sketch and put it in the middle. That’ll fill some time. Jack came out. So that’s kind of a cool thing, I think. Plus– [coughing loudly] Pl– [coughing continues] Plus– [coughing continues] Um– No, wait. That was actually my final thought. Thrilled. Excited. Ecstatic! Okay. Could you move over just a little bit? Yeah, yeah. Just slide over? -Getting too close. Is that an adequate– -Sure. But the thing is, when you’re that excited, when you’re that into it– Actually, I would move you over even more. Come over here? So you wonder, where are the ideas gonna come from if I have this much energy, if I’m this excited? Since I’m brand-new to the whole process– Can you stop for a second? Is there another couch we can bring in? It’s new territory, something I hadn’t done before. And so just, I was… one word, ecstatic. What is this stuff? It’s small-batch Kentucky. I bring it in for all of our guests. It’s a nice, special way to wind up. -Really kind of you. Thank you. -Cheers. -Yeah, cheers. -Glad I can share it with you. Smells really great from even this far. [sniffs] Ooh. Might be fun, maybe you could do a few jokes now for everybody. -I– What? -You should do it. Okay, yeah. Just right here in the studio? Yeah, just right here for the audience. What’s best? Kind of be here on the couch? I would stand up. It’s called stand-up comedy. Yeah, okay. -How ’bout–? -That’s right. -Is this–? -How ’bout over here maybe? Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah. -A little bit– -Flying is, obviously– No, a little bit farther for a second. I don’t mean to cut you off. When you get to the airport– -I would go even farther. -Okay. You’re getting a lot of shadows. -You get there, and TSA, they’re like– -No, no. Couple more. Couple more feet. A little more. Further out. Okay. And then you’re already nervous to fly. And another foot. -Couple bits. -And there we are. When is TSA finally gonna realize that we all know the shoe thing? You know what I mean? You get to the airport, they tell you to take your shoes off. It’s like, “Who doesn’t know by now?” Is someone getting to the airport, like, “What? I have to take my shoes off?” If that happens, arrest and kill that person. They’re probably not terrorists, but they’re holding up the line. And what is terrorism on a local level? On a local level, what is terrorism? Holding up the line? We don’t need those people. “When did this start?” “Kill him!” And I’m way too far back. “Kill him! In front of everybody! Everybody watches! Everyone. No, sweetie, everyone watches. Everyone. Everyone watches. Everyone watches. Never become that.” It’s a fuckin’ high-pressure situation the moment you start dealing with security. No one gets dressed and undressed while moving sideways at home, but goddamn it if you’re not an Olympian when you get there. Hurry up! [shouting] People in tears, like, “I just want to see my family again! Am I allowed to leave my pullover on? Oh, my God! I forgot to put my wallet in a bin! What’ll happen?” [imitating machine gun fire] No wallets! It’s so fuckin’ tense. Like when you’re in line with everybody and you’re going through the zigzags, yeah, you’re having the time of your life. The moment you touch a bin, you’re in the Octagon. Nobody’s your buddy. Nobody’s your pal. They’re timing you. As soon as you touch a bin, go! “That’s as fast as you can go? How many bins do you need? Laptop and an iPad? Where the fuck are you going?” Then you gotta go through that goddamn Stargate machine. What is that? Why do we just do it? What is it? If you asked TSA, “What does this even do?” They’re like, “Well, shows us where your sweaty spots are, and then we tackle ’em.” Next time you’re at the airport and you step into that Stargate machine, look at the person on the other side and be like, “I guess Los Angeles, 1984, please.” [vocalizing Terminator theme song] “Sir, please come out.” “Oh. How long was I gone?” Do all that. “Sir, you can step out.” “How long was I gone? Where am I?” “Very funny, sir. Please go, get on your flight. You, ma’am, with the baby formula, why are you here?” “I think I was sent from the future to kill a boy.” “Sir, please, grab your bag. Go get on your flight. Ma’am, get over here! Why are you trying to feed infants?” [chuckling] Anyways, that’s my airport jaunt. If you think Jesus was white, you’re not allowed to have an opinion on gun control. [groans] Not everyone’s gonna agree. We know now, more than ever, education’s expensive. Also some people in the crowd are like, “But Jesus was white.” And you’re doing the best. I want to live like that. I can’t. I gotta be up here. I gotta look into it. All I’m saying is, if you guys want real change, you gotta limit some people’s ability to vote. I know. I know. I know. It doesn’t sound progressive. Neither does genocide. People hate genocide. Why? Because it’s been used horrifically every single time it’s been used throughout history? That doesn’t necessarily make it a bad thing. If I told you guys tomorrow that we were gonna round up all of the racist, homophobic people and kill them, you’re telling me all the smart people wouldn’t be like… “Well, shit, we haven’t tried that version. That might actually have an impact.” Maybe it’s not based on skin color or religion. Maybe it’s just, “Who’s the dick? Get him out. Get him out of here.” Lump in global warming deniers. Let’s clean house. You guys get it. You guys are hip. You’re cool. You get it. I’m one of those people that doesn’t believe in global warming, but I’m pretty sure Noah’s ark was a true story. Where the guy was warning everybody about the insane change in the weather, and everyone’s like, “Shut the fuck up, Noah. Quit hoggin’ all the wood so you can go off and fuck those animals. Well, that’s what it looks like. That’s what it looks like to us, dude. Looks like you’re building some kind of sex ship out there. If that’s not the case, you need to come down to the pub, and you need to give a speech, ’cause people are talking, dude. People are fuckin’ talkin’. We don’t know you. We don’t know you. People are chattin’, dude. You’re like a thousand. No one else is a thousand.” [chuckling] On the topic of guns, not everyone here likes guns. Not everyone here hates guns. Maybe some guns shouldn’t be available. But what we do know for a fact is that right now, all of the guns are currently available. And some people are collecting guns. And some people are picking flowers, hoping it all goes away one day. I assure you, it is not going to go away. You’ve been led to believe at some point, it’s gonna be us versus them. We just don’t know who “them” is. But in reality, it’s gonna be red versus blue, and it’s gonna be a fuckin’ bloodbath. So while guns are currently available… consider having a few around. You know, for when the shit hits the fan. You don’t want people barging in in your house and you’re like, “I got a ton of steak knives!” I told my wife, “I think we should get a gun.” She was like, “Why do we need a gun?” I was like, “I don’t know. We’re probably gonna want water in ten years.” I want to live for today like everybody else, but I gotta live for tomorrow a little bit. You know what I mean? Look down the road. Look down the Fury Road, you guys. Did anybody see that documentary? Anybody see that? “I thought it was a film.” Did you? [raspy falsetto] “O.J. hated water. He hated water.” We’d go out, and I’d be like, “O.J. Need some water.” [chuckling] I will say this. I don’t do impressions ’cause I’m shitty at ’em. But I promise you, this one is pretty close. It’s pretty close. When you finally watch that documentary, you’re, “Oh, my God. It’s a shame that guy killed himself. He could have made money doing voices.” [high-pitched voice] You know what? [chuckling] O.J. I don’t like how some people react when glass breaks. Have you seen these people? What if this was my whole show? “Have you guys seen these people?” Glass breaks, they’re like, “Nobody touch it!” Shut the fuck up. This is nobody’s first broken glass rodeo. Nobody’s running over like, “Here, let me scoop up a lot of the shards with my bare forearms. Put all the pieces in my mouth till I find a trash can at some point. No, put the shards of glass into my mouth.” “Nobody walk around with your shoes off.” Are you sure? When I heard the glass break, I immediately threw on my bathing suit. Was that for nothing? Where’s the glass? Yay! Get these “save the dates” for people’s weddings. You guys know what I’m talking about. The “save the dates.” When did this start? Why did this start? Why was someone like, “You know what? In advance of the invitation, let’s send our friends a ‘save the date,’ as to say, ‘Psst! Heads up. Invitation on the way. You’re one of the chosen ones. That’s right. Identical information on both pieces of paper. Except on that save the date, you’re gonna get a pretty cool, insecure picture of the two of us. That’s a magnet. Put that on the fridge. Decorate your home with our faces.’” You see those pictures, you’re like, “Oh, fuck. I can’t go to this.” They’re just looking at you like, “This is what love is, right? We’re in a field in the middle of nowhere, standing next to an abandoned barn. Come to our wedding. Look at us. We’re spooning backwards while standing, laughing about something one of us brought up. Be at our wedding! Look, we’re on a dock in the middle of a lake. We don’t even live near a lake. How did we get there? Love! Love drove us that day to get those candid photographs. We didn’t even know the photographer was there. We’re just always standing like that.” Also, those pictures, that’s never the dude’s idea. When you get that “save the date,” and it’s like your buddy, you’re like, what the fuck is this? The dude is never, “You know what? Let’s take one where our foreheads are touching and our eyes are closed. You know, as like a backup. As a backup, in case we don’t use the one where I’m shirtless on a horse. You know.” If you want to invite me to your wedding, just send me a piece of paper. Loose-leaf is perfect. Scribble it with crayon. Save the money. Just send me a piece of paper that’s got the date of the wedding and tell me if you’re gonna have alcohol at the reception or not. Because if you’re not gonna serve alcohol at your wedding reception, show some balls and put that on the invitation. Find out the hard way how many of your friends and family… truly give a fuck about your wedding. [audience applauding] [chuckling] You get to a reception– “Yeah, I’ll take a beer.” “Oh, we don’t have any alcohol.” “Then what the fuck did I just sit through? A shitty play?” That’s what a wedding is. A wedding is a shitty play. The only people who like it are in it, like all plays. Everybody else is in the audience like, “Twenty more minutes, we are getting fucked!” “Not at our wedding! We invited Jesus.” I was at a wedding. It was a non-alcoholic reception. I was like, “I hope they get diarrhea on the honeymoon.” That’s not a very nice thing to say. I was like, “Really? I was gonna say I hope they die tonight.” Nothing gets me on the dance floor like a big old pint of sweet tea! I like to be fully present in the moment, fully aware I’m not a good dancer. The sweet tea reminds me every step of the way. [chuckling] I’ve used a Fleshlight before. [laughing, applauding] Guys, don’t be like that. Don’t be like that. I was at a show, doing a festival in Texas. They gave all the performers a gift bag. In the gift bag there was a free Fleshlight. I don’t know if they gave us those as a joke. I didn’t take it as one. I pulled myself aside… and immediately reprioritized my entire afternoon. I said, “Rory, we skipped lunch before. Didn’t kill us then. Will not kill us now.” “Fuck this thing!” Out loud in a hotel lobby. “I gotta get my dick out! I gotta do it!” Some women in this crowd, you’re like, “I think it’s gross he used a Fleshlight.” Some women don’t care. Some women still think I said “flashlight.” Now you know who you are. So do the people around you. “Well, then what is it?” “I don’t fucking know. Dude fucking loves 9/11. I don’t know. I don’t know.” If you’re a dude in here, and you think it’s gross that I’ve used a Fleshlight, you need to look at the facts. You’re in a city that you do not live in, in a hotel room by yourself. Someone gives you a free Fleshlight. You can go fuck yourself if you think you’re not gonna go fuck yourself. You’re immediately going to go fuck yourself because you have to know. [shouting] What is it like? I know some people are in here, “Oh, I don’t need a sex toy.” Grow up. If you were out on the sidewalk right now and someone pulled up in a Ferrari and was like, “Get in,” you’re not gonna be like, “But I already have a car.” No. You’re gonna get in. And you’re gonna find out the hard way it’s a Kia Rio in disguise. Here’s how they work. [chuckling] Whoo, this joke is a two-parter. You have to take a fake, rubbery vagina… out of a flashlight casing and put it in warm water for five minutes. Never in your entire life will you feel more ridiculous. Standing in a hotel bathroom… naked, ’cause you’re ready. You’re ready. You don’t know. You don’t know what’s about to happen. Be ready. Be naked. Be ready. Standing over the sink like a kid who just dropped one of those dinosaur sponge pills into the water. Can’t wait for my vagina to be ready! I love going on the road! Brings out the best in me! When you’re doing that in a hotel bathroom, there is one other person in there with you, and you lock eyes the moment you look in the mirror. And he’s got questions. Rory, how did we get here? How did we get to this point? You’re married. Surely your wife knows someone you can sleep with. Not a lot of people ever laugh at that part. She certainly wishes I would stop saying it. But now we got these cameras. Can’t go back now. It’s out there. [chuckles] I think what life is actually about– Now actually– And action. Now the special is starting. Action. I think what life is actually about– [chuckling] is realizing that we’re all covered in layers that we’ve put there for some reason. For protection. Whatever reason it is. The only way you’re gonna get to know who you truly are and expose your true self to everyone else is to get rid of those layers. And you see some people get rid of those layers at a young age. You see they have a very happy life. Then you see some people that are your age who haven’t removed one layer. You’re like, “Ooh.” That’s the layer that I removed that day. I found out… that I’m a guy who will just fuck whatever you got. What have you got over there, a pile of inanimate objects? Cool if I put my dick in ’em? I’m one of those people. [chuckling] I’d fuck a fake ass, if you had one. Don’t act like you don’t know what that is. Nobody can clear their pop-ups that fast. Not saying you have one, but you know what’s on the market. No legs, no torso. It’s just an ass that you have sex with. Yes, the show is surprisingly bookended. [audience applauding] I hope that’s the point that the guy was taking an hour-long shit comes back in. “Why are you still watching this?” “You missed a lot of other stuff. He hates women.” [chuckling] I looked at one of those fake asses for about five– Shut up, guys. Not now. Not this close to the end. Don’t you leave me. Lock those doors. They are locked? So all the doors are locked. I looked at one of those things for five minutes. I was like, “You know what? If no one was ever gonna know, then, yeah, I’ll have sex with it. I’m gonna jerk off anyway.” Fellas, am I right? The shittiest choreographed ending. All right. Just me. Just me. I thought we’d all stand up and get into it, but– Women, I don’t know if you know this about men… but when we’re in our 20s and our brain is, “Jerk off right now,” we’re like, “You got it. You got it.” When we’re in our 30s and our brain is, “Jerk off right now,” I promise you, all of us are like, “When the fuck does this stop? I don’t wanna do this shit anymore. It’s been 20 goddamn years. I haven’t liked it for ten. I just kept doing it ’cause I thought I’d die. Stay away from me… and stay away from my family.” My question is, if you buy one of those fake asses… where do you even keep that? “I keep mine under the bed.” Do you, you lunatic? I would rather my child find a loaded gun in the house. Far less awkward than the day my kid comes into the kitchen, “Daddy, what’s this?” Well, that’s kind of your mom when she’s out of town. You guys, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. -[audience cheering, applauding] -Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. [cheering continues] [audience chanting] Rory! Rory! Rory! Rory! Rory! Ror– [crickets chirping] [Rory] Oh, this is fantas– Guys! This is the best. You guys do this at the end of every show? -[man] Get him in there. -You guys are the absolute best. No, don’t throw me in a Dumpster! -That sucked. -[Rory] Hey! -He was better than Todd Glass. -Who? [man] ♪ Broken bodies line the dance floor Piling on top of me ♪ ♪ I’ve tried my luck, now what the fuck To do with the misery? ♪ ♪ Witness all the mess I will regret ♪ ♪ By this time next morning ♪ ♪ Broken bodies line the dance floor Piling on top of me ♪ ♪ Lights on, last call ♪ ♪ Lights on everywhere ♪ ♪ Oh-oh ♪ ♪ Oh, so far across the sea ♪ ♪ Broken bodies line the dance floor Piling on top of me ♪ ♪ Lights on, last call ♪ ♪ Lights on everywhere ♪ ♪ Lights on, last call ♪ ♪ Lights on everywhere ♪ ♪ Home, go home ♪ ♪ Go home ♪ ♪ Broken bodies line the dance floor Piling on top of me ♪ ♪ I tried my luck, now what the fuck To do with the misery? ♪ ♪ Witness all the mess I will regret ♪ ♪ By this time next morning ♪ ♪ Broken bodies line the dance floor Piling on top of me ♪ ♪ Broken bodies line the dance floor Piling on top of me ♪ [whistling] [snorts] Oh. Um–